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quiet-in-the-wild · 2 years

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A non comprehensive list of queer things & genderfluid things I loved growing up and as an adult- that made me feel safe, happy & gender euphoric.

So much of the past 10 or so years of being out as queer I’ve spent quiet & timidly. When I first came out- those of you who have been around for a long time know - it was very traumatic. But I didn’t let it shove me back into the closet - however, at the same time it did make me cautious.

So these moments were small little celebrations of queerness- that I can see now with perfect clarity.

Watching Victor Victoria as a kid over and over- feeling so enamored by Julie Andrew’s character wanting to be that confident & expressive. Wanting to switch back and forth from drag to masculine to feminine.

Defiantly choosing blue to decorate my bedroom - because it has been previously decorated in a shabby chic pink ruffle theme.

Then changing it to the brightest hot pink and lime green. So bright it hurt my eyes but I didn’t admit it because it was a statement.

Being interested equally interested in boy & girl toys and hobbies, and subjects. I always followed my interests not what was expected of me. So I had too many barbies to count & loved them, but I also loved sharks and lizards and things like that.

Spending hours talking with my out gay piano teacher instead of taking lessons and instead paying attention in community theater. He was such a dear friend & mentor and I miss him so much. He made me feel so understood.

Secretly making gay families on the sims back in the early 2000s

Immediately getting a pixie cut and more masculine outfits after graduating high school.

Discovering the author Sarah Waters- Especially Tipping the Velvet. I’ve never been a fan of any sexually explicit things, but this book- and particularly how Nancy would dress as man, and found her way that was authentic to herself. It was unlike anything I ever read. I think I’ve re-read more times than I can count.

Literally wanting to be a drag queen - from like age 16-mid 20s. I would make my friends in highschool do full drag makeup. In college drag race came out and I loved it- haven’t really watched since the first couple seasons.

Rocky horror picture show. My college roommate asked me if I ever saw it- so I bought it one summer and watched it everyday all break. The queerness of that movie was so amazing. Just such a badass celebration.

Anytime I’ve ever worn a leather jacket. I felt gender euphoric. Even my wife said I walk differently, more confidently. Throughout high school I stole my dad’s bomber jacket and wore that because it was so cool. I was always finding ways to show the masc. side of me.

The first time I said “my girlfriend,” or “my wife.” to someone.

Chopping all my hair off & getting a dapper haircut & new wardrobe after getting married. The energy of having such short hair, such dapper butch clothing. I felt so euphoric. When I walked into my first class after the summer I felt like everyone saw me for the first time.

Currently, dressing in the super patterned and artsy bold clothing - I need all the color, all the prints. It fills me with so much joy.

My super awesome 70s shag. Usually I cut my hair with a completely new style every year or so. And I’ve had this shag for so long. I love it so much. (I actually first got it because I was given a photo of my birthmom and she had a shag haircut so it made me feel a little closer to her)

My mini collection of chore jackets & demin work jackets (in bright colors) I absolutely love how they make me feel. Like some 80s gender non-specific person with their 70s shag & they literally don’t give any fucks.

Deciding to not wear any makeup for a year. Letting myself love how I look as I am.

Realizing that all the people I identify with, all the characters, actors- everyone that I can see myself in- are men. Nathan Lane, Neil Fielding, Bob Belcher, Oscar (summer camp island) David (Schitts creek) Philippe d’orleans (Versailles)

Realizing that my gender changes. Loving who I am in the moment. Not wishing I was anything other than who I am.

#such a long post #genderfluid #gender queer #queer #non-binary

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honeyandbloodpoetry · 3 years

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Gender Thoughts Pt 1 and 2

The first time I put a binder on, a little under a week ago, I felt euphoric. Ever since I hit puberty very early on, I felt uncomfortable with my breasts. They never felt right on me, and even though I’ve come to love them sometimes, they still don’t always feel like they match up. I hated how people always looked at them, pointed out how much they showed in low cut shirts when I never even noticed they were--or even wanted them to. They were just there. I liked the way low cut shirts feel and look on me, I just can’t help these giant sacks of flesh that sit on my chest.

Except...now I can! I ran my hands over my smooth chest, feeling bright. I looked into the mirror, and felt something warm wash over me. I put on my new masculine clothes, letting my partner clip on my new suspenders. I realized that I was shaking as I looked at myself again… I looked like a boy. I felt like a boy. Like a man. And I liked it. I wanted it. Admitting that to myself was like coming home.

I remember being in sixth grade, walking around the track for my civil air patrol class. I had been slotted in with the rest of the girls, the boys walking ahead of us. I remember feeling uncomfortable being shoved in with only girls, and looking at the gaggle of boys ahead. The exact thought that whispered in my brain was “I wish I was a boy. I want to be like them, with them.” I never forgot that moment, and how strange it made me feel. How it was easier to shake that thought away, and dismiss those feelings. Except they never really left, did they?

I remember sitting on my bed, crying with my best friend kneeling in front of me. I remember telling her how I didn’t like feeling like a woman all the time. That I wished I could be a black shadow, monstrous, androdynous. Specifically like Venom. She took my hand, did my makeup all in black and helped me pick out the perfect black outfit to achieve that dark, gothic look. I was so incredibly happy and validated. But I still felt like something was missing.

I remember going into an Adam and Eve for laugh, not expecting much since I am an asexual with a low libido. I remember seeing packers and feeling my chest tighten. I never liked my genitalia--I had wished for a cloaca or something akin to that, but since that was biologically impossible for a human… I sometimes wished I had the opposite of a vagina. I frequently imagined what it would be like to have a penis. I frequently lamented the fact that I didn’t have one. I took the box up to the counter to ask some questions, my dress swishing as I went. The cashier told me it was for trans people only, and a girl like me couldn’t have it. She didn’t know what asexuality was, and had tried polyamory once but decided it was bad when her girlfriend kissed her boyfriend. I was upset, disheartened, and left the store empty handed feeling frustrated and lost.

I remember finally cutting the long, curly locks that had frustrated and imprisoned me for so long. Seeing all of my hair fall to the floor, staring into the mirror as the barber buzzed the back of my head… It made me want to cry tears of joy. It was the first time in my entire life that I had looked at my hair and was happy. The first time I could look in the mirror and feel like myself. Then I remember wanting to go shorter, and my barber encouraging me to keep it a little longer so I didn’t look manly, so I could still be soft and feminine. The way my stomach dropped and the sick feeling in my chest only increased when he began to make fun of the gay men who came down the street near his favorite restaurant. I never saw that barber again. I instead found a nice local place down the road from my apartment, where the kind lady cut it all off without question, other than “Why?” and accepted my warm “It makes me happy. It makes me feel beautiful.”

But wearing that binder for the first time? It was as if a beam of light had funneled its way directly into my heart. I felt like a handsome man, with just a little bit of striking man boob, and it felt so right. My partner called me a dashing boy and my heart began to race. I still feel his hand tracing my jawline as he called me handsome, and the butterflies it sent up through my belly, even after more than eleven years.

I love my partner--he identifies as agender and primarily masculine, and has been on the lookout for a good pair of size thirteen shoes to wear with a dress. They also wear joggers and flip flops and graphic tees and can’t seem to stop talking about the ocean and outer space. They’re probably one of my biggest inspirations for finding myself, and being authentically me.

I’m not super sure who or what I am right now. I’m still figuring that out, but I’m pretty sure I’m somewhere between agender and genderfluid. I feel like me more than anything else, but all pronouns make me feel good. I feel like all of them and none of them at once, but I swing between wanting to be feminine and masculine pretty strongly, though I enjoy being masculine most of all--even when I’m wearing dresses and pink. I feel like a beautiful person in a dress or a button down, no matter what gender I feel like today or tomorrow.

I am me. And I am one dashing boy, and one beautiful girl.

4 July 2021

XXX

Since first writing this little essay, I’ve been doing a lot more examination of my gender. I have come to the conclusion that I am transmasc and nonbinary, and am shaky on the title of genderfluid. I am feeling less and less like a woman--if anything, occasionally adjacent to a woman rather than actually being one. I love feeling like and presenting as a man. I have my first appointment with a gender services doctor at my local community clinic for consultation on starting hrt testosterone. I am planning to start with low dose first, and see how I feel.

I am still unsure of my exact identity, but I have found great euphoria with being and presenting as a man. I love being a man and everything that entails. I have loved myself like never before. Being with my partner is amazing, and he has been endlessly supportive--even recounting little things they had noticed throughout the years. One of the funniest being that I only ever referred to my body parts--my belly, hands, hair, genitalia--with masculine pronouns. I always seemed to see my body as male even if I had a certain sort of dissonance from it.

Coming out has been difficult. I have had both positive and negative experiences from it. I have been told going on testosterone would be self harm, and that I can’t be something I’m not. I’ve had coworkers I trusted out me without my permission. But I have also had positive affirmation, polite questions, and discussions. I am terrified to tell my mother and her boyfriend--I have no idea how they will react and am terrified that I will be disrespected and disowned.

But I am prepared to do whatever it takes to be my happiest and most authentic self.

I have been binding a lot more often, wearing sports bras for long shifts at work, and occasionally going without either when I feel like letting my man boobs hang free. I’ve had the delightful experience of going to a men’s big and tall store and finally wearing pants. I grew up as a fat girl and felt as if I had to perform high femininity to be taken seriously and be treated well--and had been told by someone I trusted that I was too fat to wear pants, which I heavily internalized. So I had completely cast them away in favor of dresses and skirts, bows and gaudy jewelry. Realizing that I could wear pants was...totally wild. That I could be comfortable and look good in pants and shorts, and that it didn’t matter what people did or thought of me was life changing. Maybe I’ll feel like being feminine again someday, but right now this masculinity and masculine clothing, with perhaps the added spice of funky earrings, feels like home.

I also grew up autistic and with PCOS, both which I think have affected my gender identity. Being autistic, I truly struggled to connect to others socially, and especially to understand societal norms. Being a proper woman felt like I was making up for everything else I was lacking--I may have been awkward, semi-verbal and weird with no friends, but at least I was cute and girlish. I never connected to womanhood though, and always felt out of place no matter how hard I tried. With PCOS, I had heightened testosterone, which meant wider breasts and shoulders, a lack of periods, and excessive body hair. I recall the endocrinologist asking high school age me if I had excessive body hair around my stomach, breasts, etc. and my mother jumping to say no I didn’t...even though I did. I remember suddenly feeling very self aware and ashamed of something completely natural, and even something I started to enjoy. I started shaving my entire body then.

I even remember being in middle school, and thinking nothing of my hairy legs. In fact, I loved my body hair and how it felt. A rude girl began making fun of me though, tutting her tongue as she cooed, “Aw, does your mommy not let you shave?” Among other things, all throughout many years of severe bullying and abuse. I remember feeling ashamed, but not knowing why, and immediately shaving my legs, covering them in nicks from my shaky and unsteady hands, that same night.

So many things set me back in my gender expression. So many things contributed to me willful ignorance and denial. I remember wanting to be butch, and everyone in my life laughing at me and saying I was too soft for that. That sweet, sharp ache in my chest. I remember going to a salad bar with my mother, wearing a button up and telling her I wanted to wear some more boyish clothes around that same time--I had already told her that I was bi sometime earlier. I remember her lip curling, looking uncomfortable, and telling me that I better not become one of those boy girls. My late father was very vocal in denouncing homosexuality and specifically men loving men--something which always sat horribly wrong with me on a deeper level.

I think I might ending up being a trans man. I am still unsure and figuring myself out, but I struggle greatly with the autistic need for sameness vs. the trans need for change. My sapphic love of women has always been very important to me, and fully becoming a man rather than genderfluid is scary for that very reason. I am still navigating my identity and what it means to me and my reality--but no matter what, being a man, being masculine is integral to who I am.

I was called a “sir” at a job interview for the first time the other day, and nearly began to bawl from sheer joy. The gender euphoria from that and so many moments is worth so much more to me than the years of suffering and ignorance and my ongoing struggles with dysphoria. I finally got a packer and have had help from my partner in learning to position it properly--I am thinking of cutting my hair even shorter. I have almost perfected a pretty basic tie tying skill. Okay, not really, but I’m getting there. I feel deep inside that even though my father loved me, he would not like who and what I am. Still, I wear the last watch he ever wore, and hope to be a good man like him--and to learn from the toxic parts of him to be an even better man.

I am very excited to start hrt. I am terrified of hair loss and vaginal atrophy, but I look forward to so much more. I cannot wait for bottom growth and body hair, for the voice drop that will hopefully get me misgendered less. I have always felt disconnected from my voice and look forward to getting to know it better as it changes with me. I look forward to meeting with new facial hair. Working out and growing muscle. I just look forward to my second puberty and becoming more like myself. I look forward to navigating and exploring my gender even further, both with loved ones, support groups, and myself.

More than anything, I am just happy to be me.

25 August 2021

#transmasc #ftm #ftx #gender #genderqueer #transgender #trans #lgbt #lgbtq #trans man #nonbinary #genderfluid #poets of tumblr #spilled thoughts #gender expression #low dose t #hrt

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mercenaryflower · 2 years

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My Re-Introduction

My name is Tiger, at least what I most like to be referred to as. I also like Merc, or in terms of “normal” names, Leo. I have been going by Lily for over a decade. (I’m 22 & I named myself on Flipnote Studios when I was 10 as it was my first online safe space) At the time, I wanted desperately to be seen as dainty, pretty, or even desirable, bc I had always been seen as ugly& fat. 4 years later I was introduced to the queer community by my first high school friend. I was sheltered, home-schooled on & off, made to go to church regularly, but they showed me a world where I finally felt I belonged. I followed them on Tumblr, as well as many other queer fandom people, learned abt gender identity, pronouns, the difference between sexuality & romantic orientation, even polyamory. (but I didn’t explore that outside my fantasies until I was an adult) I stumbled across the first term that fit my identity: bigender. It was easy to say I was simply both and I stayed that way for a couple years.

Naturally, I grew, and I found I enjoyed being referred to as ‘he’ so I felt I identified more as a trans boy. I went all in, changed my preferred name to Leon, chopped off my hair as short as I was allowed, gradually getting it just below a pixie cut (with bangs) even bought a binder. not too long after, the pastor at my church decided to hold a very special sermon. all abt how being gay and the lgbt community was sinful, and that we shouldn't fall prey to the seduction of the devil. 🙄 I cried in a pew after service. I was part of the choir. he came over and asked me what was wrong, and I told him I was just fine, bc I knew I’d never have the guts to tell a self-righteous man like him. I lost all my faith in the church that day, I even got into Wicca through an ex-girlfriend, but I ended up being a non-religious pagan.

It was rough after that. transitioning & finding love were my two pillars keeping me alive. I was taken advantage of by a long-time crush, my high school said I’d be better off in the military, so I dropped out. I came out to my mom & sister in a fit of rage. for a while it seemed they would support me, but the subject fell silent like it had never been brought up at all & I was cornered into an expectation to be perfect, pretending to be cis, straight, & christian. all I had was my online circles. I ended my 1st adult relationship, entering a new one without letting them know how I identified. it was a triad situation, an extremely toxic introduction to my poly life, but things gradually got better after that. I stayed with one of the partners in a monogamous way, we got married, had a couple of kids, but things were so off, pretending to be something I wasn’t.

I was lucky, I really was. I’m still with them, my anchor partner & co-parent. I was the first to bring up poly after a year & a half, that I wanted it in a different way, dating as individuals, ethical non-monogamy, that was the easy part. even my attraction to women was easy to express, but I kept my identity locked tight. until my partner started exploring with their identity, eventually coming out to everyone. I supported them openly, and gave it a lot of time before bringing up at least a bit of my own identity, presenting as an extremely feminine non-binary she/they person, but it wasn’t enough. and I hadn’t gave myself room to think abt that until recently. I know my identity is pretty elaborate & nonsensical, but I’m feeling myself more just by thinking abt it. I’m fluid, both & neither, my gender identity is so much more complicated than a feminine enby, but I’m okay with that. I’m Tiger, I’m a long list of queer, & I go by all pronouns, but I especially love being referred to as he or they, a woman, boy, queen, king, prince, creature, witch, mage, goblin.

It's not 'perfect' but it's me. more me than I've ever been & I'm willing to put in the effort now to keep in touch with who I am, even if it changes, I won't reject myself as I've been doing for years. I won't force myself to conform, especially in what's supposed to be my safe place. I want my kids to know me, I want my partnerships to be genuine, secure in my identity. I think I've finally figured out what loving myself entails, something that's stumped me my entire life, it finally feels real & obtainable. to love myself completely.

#journal #personal #lgbt #queer #lgbtqia #gender #gender identity #identity #diary #self love #self acceptance #queer pride #normally I'd post stuff like this on my writing aideblog but idk feels more main blog specific #ramblings of a tiger #text post #long post

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cruisingthedemimonde · 3 years

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America’s Gay Men in WW2

World War Two was a “National Coming Out” for queer Americans.

I don’t think any other event in history changed the lives of so many of us since Rome became Christian.

For European queers the war brought tragedy.

The queer movement began in Germany in the 1860s when trans activist Karl Ulrichs spoke before the courts to repeal Anti-Sodomy laws. From his first act of bravery the movement grew and by the 1920s Berlin had more gay bars than Manhattan did in the 1980s. Magnus Hirschfeld’s “Scientific Humanitarian Committee” fought valiantly in politics for LGBT rights and performed the first gender affirmation surgeries. They were a century ahead of the rest of the world.

The Nazis made Hirschfeld - Socialist, Homosexual and Jew - public enemy number one.

The famous image of the Nazis burning books? Those were the books of the Scientific Humanitarian Committee. Case studies of the first openly queer Europeans, histories, diaries - the first treasure trove of our history was destroyed that day.

100,000 of us were charged with felonies. As many as 15,000 were sent to the camps, about 60% were murdered.

But in America the war brought liberation.

In a country where most people never even heard the word “homosexual” , historian John D’emilio wrote the war was “conducive both to the articulation of a homosexual identity and to the more rapid evolution of a gay subculture. (24)” The war years were “a Watershed (Eaklor 68)”

Now before we begin I need to give a caveat. The focus of this first post is not lesbians, transfolk or others in our community. Those stories have additional complexity the story of cisgender homosexual men does not. Starting with gay men lets me begin in the simplest way I can, in subsequent posts I’ll look at the rest of our community.

Twilight Aristocracy: Being Queer Before the War

I want us to go back in time and imagine the life of the typical queer American before the war. Odds are you lived on a farm and simply accepted the basic fact that you would marry and raise children as surely as you were born or would die. You would have never seen someone Out or Proud. If you did see your sexuality or gender in contrary ways you had no words to express it, odds are even your doctor had never heard the term “Homosexual. In your mind it was just a quirk, without a name or possible expression.

In the city the “Twilight Aristocracy” lived hidden, on the margins and exposed their queerness only in the most coded ways. Gay men “Dropping pins” with a handkerchief in a specific pocket. Butch women with key chains heavy enough to show she didn’t need a man to carry anything for her. A secret language of “Jockers” and “Nances” “Playing Checkers” during a night out. There is a really good article on the queer vernacular here

And these were “Lovers in a Dangerous Time.”

In public one must act as straight as possible. Two people of the same gender dancing could be prosecuted. Cross dressing, even with something as trivial as a woman wearing pants, would run afoul of obscenity laws.

The only spaces we had for ourselves were dive bars, run by organized crime. But even then one must be sure to be circumspect, and act straight. Anyone could be an undercover cop. If a gaze was held to long, or lovers kissed in a corner the bar would be raided. Police saw us as worthy candidates for abuse so beatings were common and the judge would do all he could to humiliate you.

Now Michael Foucault, the big swinging french dick of queer theory, laid out this whole theory about how the real policing in a society happens inside our heads. Ideas about sin, shame, normalcy, mental illness can all be made to control people, and the Twilight Aristocracy was no different.

While cruising a park at night, or settled on the sofa with a lifelong lover, the thoughts of Priests and Doctors haunted them. “Am I living in Sin? Am I someone God could love?” “Is this healthy? Have I gone mad? Is this a true love or a medical condition which requires cure?”

There was no voice in America yet healing our self doubt, or demanding the world accept us as we are. And that voice, the socialist Harry Hay, did not come during the war, but it would come shortly after directly because of it.

Johnny Get Your Gun… And are you now or ever been a Homosexual?

For the first time in their lives millions of young men crossed thousands of miles from their home to the front.

But before they made that brave journey they had another, unexpected and often torturous journey. The one across the doctor’s office at a recruiting station.

In the nineteenth century queerness moved from an act, “Forgive me Father I have sinned, I kissed another man” to something you are, “The homosexual subspecies can be identified by certain physical and psychological signs.”

These were the glory days of patriarchy and white supremacy, those who transgressed the line between masculine and feminine called the whole culture into question. So doctors obsessed themselves with queerness, its origins, its signs, its so called catastrophic racial consequences and its cure.

“Are you a homosexual?” doctors asked stunned recruits.

If you were closeted but patriotic, you would of course deny the accusation. But the doctor would continue his examination by checking if you were a “Real Man.”

“Do you have a girlfriend? Did you like playing sports as a kid?”

If you passed that, the doctor would often try and trip you up by asking about your culture.

“Do you ever go basketeering?” he would ask, remembering to check if there was any lisp or effeminacy in your voice.

Finally if the doctor felt like it he could examine your body to see if you were a member of the homosexual subspecies.

Your gag reflex would be tested with a tongue depressor. Another hole could be carefully examined as well.

Humiliating enough for a straight man. But for a gay recruit the consequences could be life threatening.

Medical authorities knew homosexuals were weak, criminal and mad. To place them among the troops would weaken unit cohesion at the very least, result in treachery at the worst. In civilian life doctors had much the same thing to say.

The recruit needed a cure. And a doctor was always ready. With talk therapy, hypnosis, drugs, electroshock and forced surgeries of the worst kinds there was always a cure ready at hand.

Thankfully the doctors were not successful in their task, one doctor wrote “for every homosexual who was referred or came to the Medical Department, there were five or ten who never were detected. (d’Emilio 25)”

Here’s the irony though, by asking such pointed and direct questions to people closeted to themselves it forced them to confront their sexuality for the first time.

Hegarty writes, “As a result of the screening policies, homosexuality became part of wartime discourse. Questions about homosexual desire and behavior ensured that every man inducted into the armed forces had to confront the possibility of homosexual feelings or experiences. This was a kind of massive public education about homosexuality. Despite—and be-cause of—the attempts to eliminate homosexuals from the military, men with same-sex desires learned that there were many people like themselves (Hegarty 180)”

And then it gave them a golden opportunity to have fun.

The 101st Airborn - Homosocial and Homosexual

“Homosocial” refers to a gender segregated space. And they were often havens for gay men. The YMCA for example really was a place for young gay men to meet.

Now the government was already aware of the kind of scandalous sexual behaviour young men can get up to when left to themselves. Two major government programs before the war, the Federal Transient Program and the Civilian Conservation Corps focused on unattached young men, but over time these spaces became highly suspect and the focus shifted to helping family men so as to avoid giving government aid to ‘sexual perversion’ in these homosocial spaces.

But with the war on there was no choice but to put hundreds of thousands of young men in their own world. All male boot camps, all male bases, all male front lines.

The emotional intensity broke down the barriers between men and the strict enforcement of gendered norms.

On the front the men had no girlfriend, wife or mother to confide in. The soldier’s body was strong and heroic but also fragile. Straight men held each other in foxholes and shared their emotional vulnerability to each other. Gender lines began to blur as straight men danced together in bars an action that would result in arrest in many American cities.

Bronski writes, “Men were now more able to be emotional, express their feelings, and even cry. The stereotypical “strong, silent type,” quintessentially heterosexual, that had characterized the American Man had been replaced with a new, sensitive man who had many of the qualities of the homosexual male. (Bronski 152)”

Homosexual men discovered in this environment new freedoms to get close to one another without arousing suspicion.

“Though the military officially maintained an anti-homosexual stance, wartime conditions nonetheless offered a protective covering that facilitated interaction among gay men (d’Emilio 26)”

Bob Ruffing, a chief petty officer in the Navy described this freedom as follows, ‘When I first got into the navy—in the recreation hall, for instance— there’d be eye contact, and pretty soon you’d get to know one or two people and kept branching out. All of a sudden you had a vast network of friends, usually through this eye contact thing, some through outright cruising. They could get away with it in that atmosphere. (d’Emilio 26) ”

Another wrote about their experience serving in the navy in San Diego, “‘Oh, these are more my kind of people.’ We became very chummy, quite close, very fraternal, very protective of each other. (Hegarty 180)”

Some spaces within the army became queer as well. The USO put on shows for soldiers, and since they could not find women to play parts, the men often dressed in drag. “impersonation. For actors and audiences, these performances were a needed relief from the stress of war. For men who identified as homosexual, these shows were a place where they could, in coded terms, express their sexual desires, be visible, and build a community. (Bronski 148)”

“Here you see three lovely “girls”

With their plastic shapes and curls.

Isn’t it campy? Isn’t it campy?

We’ve got glamour and that’s no lie;

Can’t you tell when we swish by?

Isn’t it campy? Isn’t it campy?”

The words camp and swish being used in the gay subculture and connected to effeminate gay men.

I would have to assume, more than a few transwomen gravitated to these spaces as well.

Even the battlefield itself provided opportunities for gay fraternization. A beach in Guam for example became a secret just for the gay troops, they called it Purple Beach Number 2, after a perfume brand.

This homoerotic space was not confined to the military, but spilled out into civilian life as well.

Donald Vining was a pacifist who stated bluntly his homosexuality to the recruitment board as his mother needed his work earnings, and if you wanted be a conscientious objector you had to apply to go to an objector’s camp. He became something of a soldier chaser, working in the local YMCA and volunteering at the soldier’s canteen in New York he hooked up with soldiers still closeted for a night of passion but many more who were open about who they were.

After the war he was left with a network of gay friends and a strong sense of belonging to a community. It was dangerous tho, he was victim of robberies he could not report because they happened during hook ups, but police were always ready to raid gay bars when they were bored. “It was obvious that [the police] just had to make a few arrests to look busy,” he protested in his diary. “It was a travesty of justice and the workings of the police department (d’Emilio 30).״

Now it might seem odd he was able to plug into a community like that, but over the war underground gay bars appeared across the country for their new clientele. Even the isolated Worcester Mass got a gay bar.

African American men, barred from combat on the front lines, were not entirely barred from the gay subculture in the cities. For example in Harlem the jazz bar Lucky Rendevous was reported in Ebony as whites and blacks “steeped in the swish jargon of its many lavender costumers. (Bronski 149)”

The Other War: Facing Homophobia

“For homosexual soldiers, induction into the military forced a sudden confrontation with their sexuality that highlighted the stigma attached to it and kept it a matter of special concern (d’Emilio 25)”

“They were fighting two wars: one for America, democracy, and freedom; the other for their own survival as homosexuals within the military organization. (Eaklor 68)”

Once they were in, they fell under Article 125 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice: “Any person subject to this chapter who engages in unnatural carnal copulation with another person of the same or opposite sex or with an animal is guilty of sodomy. Penetration, however slight, is sufficient to complete the offense.”

Penalties could include five years hard labour, forced institutionalization or fall under the dreaded Section 8 discharge, a stamp of mental instability that would prevent you from finding meaningful employment in civilian life.

Even if one wanted nothing to do with fulfilling their desires it was still essential to become hyper aware of your presentation and behaviour in order to avoid suspicion.

Coming Home to Gay Ghettos

“The veterans of World War II were the first generation of gay men and women to experience such rapid, dramatic, and widespread changes in their lives as homosexuals. Bronski 154”

After the war many queer servicemen went on to live conventionally heterosexual lives. But many more returned to a much queerer life stateside.

Bob Ruffing would settle down in San Francisco. The city has always been a safe harbour for queer Americans, made more so as ex servicemen gravitated to its liberated atmosphere. The port cities of New York, San Francisco and Los Angeles became the prime destinations to settle. Vining’s partner joined him in New York, where they both immersed themselves in the gay culture.

Other soldiers moved to specific neighborhoods known for having small gay communities. San Francisco’s North Beach, the west side of Boston’s Beacon Hill, or New York’s Greenwich Village. Following the war the gay populations of these cities increased dramatically.

The cities offered parks, coffee houses and bars which became queer spaces. And drag performance, music and comedy became features of this culture.

These veterans also founded organizations just for the queer soldiers. In Los Angeles the Knights of the Clock provided a space for same sex inter racial couples. In New York the Veterans Benevolent Association would often see 400-500 homosexuals appear at its events.

A number of books bluntly explored homosexuality following the war, such as The Invisible Glass which tells the story of an inter racial couple in Italy,

“With a slight moan Chick rolled onto his left side, toward the Lieutenant. His finger sought those of the officer’s as they entwined their legs. Their faces met. The breaths, smelling sweet from wine, came in heavy drawn sighs. La Cava grasped the soldier by his waist and drew him tightly to his body. His mouth pressed down until he felt Chick’s lips part. For a moment they lay quietly, holding one another with strained arms.”

Others like Gore Vidal’s The City and the Pillar (1948), Fritz Peters’s The World Next Door (1949), and James Barr’s Quatrefoil (1950) explored similar themes.

In 1948 the Kinsey Report would create a public firestorm by arguing that homosexuality is shockingly common. In 1950 The Mattachine Society, a secretive group of homosexual Stalinists launched America’s LGBT movement.

References:

Michael Bronski “A Queer History of the United States”

John D’emilio “Coming Out Under Fire”

Vivki L Eaklor “Queer America: A GLBT History of America”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Lesbians

In 1947 General Eisenhower told a purple heart winning Sargeant Johhnie Phelps, “It's come to my attention that there are lesbians in the WACs, we need to ferret them out”.

Phelps replied, “"If the General pleases, sir, I'll be happy to do that, but the first name on the list will be mine."

Eisenhower’s secretary added “"If the General pleases, sir, my name will be first and hers will be second."

Join me again May 17 to hear the story of America’s Lesbians during the war.

#gay history #world war two #queer history #gay #lgbt

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felix-honikker-kinnie · 3 years

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hello charlotte - lgbtq+ headcanons (and also canon lgbtq+ characters)

#all art in this post is by etherane :) (note: literally every other headcanon is valid these are just mine <3) Charlotte Wiltshire

So, this is pretty widely accepted throughout the fandom - but I have to say she just seems transfem to me. There are even some possible hints that she might be transfem, and knowing etherane, I really wouldn’t be surprised.

First possible hint is young Charlotte. Not being feminine as a kid and then being very feminine later on obviously doesn’t mean you’re trans, I just thought it was something worth noting. In hc2, I believe there is a scene where Aiden encourages Charlotte to try being feminine, and you can see that she’s much more outwardly happy and expressive presenting as more feminine. Second possible hint is Seth. It was mentioned that male puppeteers are usually not assigned to female puppeteers, which could be a possible hint that she wasn’t biologically female.

Third possible hint was Charlotte’s haircut. Of course, any person would be upset if some people at school cut their hair, but some specific lines mentioned not wanting to let anyone see her and that a stranger stared back at her in the mirror - though that could have just been anxiety. All in all, none of these three things are for certain indicators that Charlotte is transfem, it’s just nice to have a little headcanon. And to be honest, the little hints aren’t even the main reason I think she’s trans, she just - Idk it just makes sense that she’d be trans and I just vibe with it.

I think this one is also pretty agreed on, but she just gives panromantic vibes. I also get like, demiromantic vibes? And asexual vibes. I don’t have explanations for any of these, these headcanons just vibe with me. Felix Honikker

Next up, my fave, Felix. So my biggest headcanon is that he’s asexual because - well, ew, people, gross. And he just seems omniromantic to me. Again, can’t explain, the headcanon just vibes. And he just - Idk I feel like he’s transmasc and neutrios. Someone also mentioned that he seemed genderfluid and that headcanon is extremely valid. And someone mentioned him being aroace which, is also very extremely valid. Bennett

AAH. MY BABY BOY. THAT SMILE. SO MUCH SEROTONIN. I’M CRYING. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. AAAAAAH. Okay, so he also gives me trans vibes (transmasc vibes). Charlotte, Felix, and Bennett just - radiate trans to me and I vibe so fucking hard with that. Also. Bennett is a disaster bi. He. Just. Radiates. Disaster bi. He also seems just...like he experiences sexual attraction but he doesn’t really want to do. Things. I believe the word for that is akoisexual? (Or lithsexual?) Correct me if I’m wrong. Idk. (Okay I had to stop making this post because I was trying to find the word for it and I just - I just found a post that was really invalidating to ace/spec people and I just. I’m sad now. After this I’m going to reblog all the acespec/arospec positivity posts I can get my hands on.) Florence

Florence also radiates disaster bi. That’s. That’s pretty much it for her, that’s my only headcanon about her orientation/identity. However. I do have many OTHER headcanons but they would not be relevant to this post, so.

Seth

Seth is pansexual, demisexual, and pangender in my mind because. Again. I have no reason. Just v i b e s

Aiden

Hm...he seems like the kind of person who wouldn’t really care about labels and just let people call it whatever they wanted to as far as orientation. (Sorry that some of these are so short-)

Henry Huxley

Huxley is definitely polyamorous, ace and gay. No, I will not explain my reasoning. Because I have none.

Q84

Q84 is definitely aroace. And I highly doubt she gives a fuck about gender and I doubt she’d put a label on her gender.

DelChar

I think we can all agree that DelChar is a disaster lesbian. At the very least, she canonically wlw, so that’s always nice to see. I also think she’s transfem because this is an alternate version of Scarlotte Charlotte I believe, so I just feel like she’d be trans as well.

V19

She’s also a disaster lesbian.

Scarlett Eyler

Scarlett, like flo and ben radiates bi. I’m thinking she’s either aromantic bisexual or biromantic asexual but I’m leaning more towards aro/bi.

Anri Warhol

Anri is canonically bi. I appreciate that, a lot.

Vincent Wordsworth

He seems like either he’s gay or he’s queer as far as orientation, and either way, definitely asexual. And he’s nonbinary as well.

Charles Eyler

What’s that? A canon genderfluid character? AND a canon asexual character? Yep, Charles is canon genderfluid and ace and I just freak out every time I think about it because there’s so little rep for those two things that whenever I see it, I just get really happy. As far as romantic orientation I feel like polyromantic.

Vincent Fennell

I’d probably put him about the same as his counterpart in hc3. I just included him specifically because. He’s so fucking pretty. And I wanted to show a picture of him.

I know C is technically Charles in a Vincent vessel, but shhh, I see him as his own kind of character. Like Charles, he’s genderfluid and asexual - and I could see him as being demiromantic and panromantic.

Umbrella Man

I just. I just feel like he’s homosexual/aromantic. I just. Do. And I can’t imagine he’s cis, but I don’t think he really has a label for his gender, idk.

Frei

Frei is canon agender! Or at the very least, he described himself as genderless. I feel like he would be asexual and omniromantic, kinda like my headcanon for Felix.

Freya

I know that Freya and Frei are both the Oracle, but each form the Oracle takes just seems like a seperate form to me. I can’t put Freya, Frei, and that other Oracle that was in Scarlett’s head into the same category. Freya is also probably agender but takes a feminine form and identifies with being female while also being genderless. I feel like she’d identify as a lesbian? And also be like, ace? Sorry if this doesn’t make any sense jafioejrpaewrojofjo.

Scarlett’s Oracle

They’re definitely agender and aroace.

Right, I almost forgot OSIRIS

Osiris seems aroace.

Okay, that’s uh. that’s pretty much it oof. Sorry if this post doesn’t make a lot of sense I just wanted to ramble. And all other headcanons are valid <3

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lesbian-vmin · 3 years

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The Topic of Gender Identity - JM Focus

So. This is something that I’ve gotten asked about a few times since people became interested in my analyses. And it’s something I’ve always avoided answering because it seems to me that the topic of gender is way more touchy than the topic of sexuality.

I’m also the sort of person who doesn’t like people talking about things without some form of experience on the topic. I can talk about how I see the potential of someone being gay because I’m gay. I know what it’s like to be gay. I know what it’s like to be afraid for people to find out that you’re gay (passed that, but been there). Someone who isn’t gay and never questioned it wouldn’t have any idea what it’s like.

As someone who has struggled with gender identity myself, I’ve decided that I’ll talk about this. I’d say that I have a controversial opinion on this topic, but no matter what you say about gender identity, one person or another is going to think it’s controversial. So, really, everyone has a controversial opinion on the topic. As it is not my intention to offend anyone, I decided to share that controversial opinion. Anyway. Read on if you can handle someone talking about their opinion without getting riled up that it might be different than yours, and if you’re curious about my thoughts on the topic. If not. Move on. (BELOW THE CUT)

So. Let me start by putting in the “short story” of my gender identity, so you kind of get the idea where I’m coming from when I state my opinion on this topic. You can skip this to the part where I start talking about Jimin, but I just wanted to add this in here so you have an idea of where I’m coming from.

Currently, I identify as a cis-female lesbian, but it took me a long time to accept myself as a female. Honestly. When I was a child, I was more okay with the fact that I liked girls than the fact that I was a girl. Liking girls never felt wrong to me. Liking girls as a girl is what felt wrong. I don’t know if that makes sense, but I know how I felt.

I was what they called a “tom-boy” back in the day. I’m not sure if that term is offensive now? But I always related with the label for some reason.

My parents have a lot to do with my current view on gender identity. My mom told me when I was a little baby, my favorite color was pink. It’s currently pink. She said that once I started learning the names of colors and that they had “genders”, I took a hard turn to the color blue. I pretended that blue was my favorite color for a big part of my life, throughout high school, because I didn’t want to be associated with the “girly” things.

I also liked Hotwheels as child. I was obsessed with cars. This is something I was genuinely interested in, and not just because I wanted to distance myself from girly things. At McDonald’s they often have “boy toys” and “girl toys”. I also have one brother and two sisters. When my mom took us to McDonald’s, she’d always say she wanted “two hotwheels and two barbies”. If the checker ever said “girls and boy toys” my mom would again specify hotweels and barbies. Because she didn’t understand why they were “girl and boy toys”. As a child, I was changing her perspective on gender.

We used to go to Christmas parties when I was a kid, and Santa would always hand out presents to the kids. It always seemed they gave the boys certain toys, and the girls always got dolls or doll related things. So I started to hate going to these Christmas parties. I also question why Santa didn’t buy me the gifts I wanted. He was supposed to know what every child wanted. One year, my mom talked to the people who decided the gift buying, and they got me a giant collection of hotwheels. This Santa became my favorite.

Anyhow. I always wanted to be my dad’s son. I wanted to him to play sports with me and grill with him like he would do with my brother. When I showed more interest in those things than my brother did, he started doing them with me instead. I’d help him build things. I’d play sports with him. And we always grilled together. Until I got older and started going through the inevitable changes that every girl goes through. He stopped treating me like a son and started treating me like a daughter, and it really upset me that my dad’s whole attitude toward me would have changed like that. So I started hating being a girl even more.

Anyway, long story short (believe me, there’s a lot more to this story, but this is a Jimin focus. Not a Koala focus). I eventually came to accept that I was a girl, and actually like feminine things. But, at the same time, I actually like masculine things, too. Coming out to my family as gay really allowed me to express my gender identity more. And I think it’s funny because they often point out how I became more feminine after coming out when many females do it the opposite. I explained to them that I always wanted to be “straight” and like girls, but when I fully accepted myself as gay, I fully accepted myself as female, too.

That being said, I didn’t give in to gender norms or anything like that. I just stopped pretending to hate all feminine things for the fear of being “too much of a girl” to like girls. Pink is my favorite color, but I’ll take the whole fucking rainbow any day. I love hotwheels, and I know more about cars than most modern boys do. I know about computers, and I love math. I absolutely love playing sports (I don’t like watching them so much). I love high fantasy, and I love playing d&d with my friends. But I also love sitting down to a nice romantic movie every now and then. I play all kinds of video games from fps to dress up games, and I love the fact that I don’t have to be apologetic about any of it. I can fix my own kitchen sink and give you tips about how to get stains out of the carpet. I still hate dolls, and they are fucking creepy to me.

I can accept the term bigender for myself, but I label myself as cis-female. Because I don’t want society to tell me that “feminine” things are for girls and “masculine” things are for boys. And tell me how I need to identify because of my like or distaste for either. I don’t mind “feminine” and “masculine” labels, but I don’t think it should determine how much of a “boy” or “girl” you are. I know that people identify as trans and anywhere on the spectrum for reasons that go beyond that, and that’s fine. My story goes far beyond that as well, but that’s pretty much my main focus that brings me to this point.

So. Let’s talk about Jimin now.

IN RELATION TO JIMIN

So, I’ve had exactly one ask that wanted to know if I would refer to Jimin as “they” instead of “he” because we don’t know how he identifies, but I think that can be true for anyone. Just because JK presents himself as more masculine with the fact that he works out and is a “boy” boy, we can’t presume that he identifies as a cis-male. Even if he likes all masculine things, and there’s nothing feminine about him (which isn’t true, but even if it was), we can’t just assume that he identifies as cis-male and is totally comfortable in his 100% male role. So the fact that this seems to come up mostly in relation to Jimin kind of proves how it’s a societal “masculine” and “feminine” thing when it comes many people’s view on gender identity.

I’ve also had a lot of people come to my inbox and talk about how they don’t see why people question Jimin’s gender. “He’s not feminine at all.” And, let me just say that he really is, and I don’t think it would offend him for me to blatantly state that. When he first debuted, he really tried to present himself as masculine, and he wanted to be seen as a “strong/real man.” But he’s eased himself into what he’s more comfortable with, and he, himself, talks about this transformation. How he doesn’t have pretend anymore, and he can just be who he is. And that’s a wonderful thing. And him talking about it the way he does (I’d love to go back and find examples, so people share links if you have any otherwise it’s going to take me ages to source this) kind of tells me that he wants people to realize his transformation. That he is so unbothered by both his feminine and masculine traits that he isn’t bothered if people see him more one way or the other.

Let me bring up Jimin’s bigender tattoo, if you will. (x) Well, it’s not really a tattoo, and more of a drawing. It wasn’t permanent, but still. I’ve had a few people argue that it’s not the bigender symbol because of both extensions pointing straight instead of the masculine symbol being at an angle (x), but seeing as how I don’t know of any other symbol it could be, I’m going to assume that it was meant to be the bigender symbol.

Does this tattoo mean that he identifies as bigender? I’m leaning toward yes, but I’m also going to have to say that it doesn’t confirm anything. We don’t know the reason behind the tattoo unless Jimin tells us himself, and we don’t know the reason it was altered with both extensions being aligned instead of the way the actual symbol looks (if that detail is significant in any way).

Again, I’m leaning toward a strong possibility of him identifying as bigender because BTS are pretty socially aware, and I’m sure he knows what the symbol means. There could be a list of other reasons as to why he decided to use the symbol, so we’ll never know the truth unless he tells us.

I will say that, similar to how I think TH mentioning the Christmas song to us was to see how we’d react to the idea of him singing a romantic song with a boy, I think that Jimin putting that tattoo on his arm was to raise a similar kind of topic. I think he wants people to discuss and question his gender identity. And I think anyone who has come out to their family, friends, and societies would get the same idea. Because it’s a process, and this seems like a step in the process.

I’d often talk about how I loved it when people would mistake me for a boy, and how disappointing it was when someone would be quick to correct them. I’d talk about how being a “girl” is exhausting and how I wish I could flip a switch and be a “boy”. I’d question my parents about how they’d feel if I brought a girl home. I’d use gender neutral pronouns while talking about people I was interested in. I’d question if it was weird to want to hold hands with my best female friends. And the list goes on.

The tattoo seems like a step in a process. Maybe he’s not trying to come out, but maybe he wants us to be talking about it. I don’t think we should just assume that he’s bigender because of it (the same way we shouldn’t just assume TH is gay for Christmas song talk), but I don’t think people need to be so quick to shut the idea down. Because it’s possible that he might not identify as cis-male, and to shut down a piece of evidence like a bigender drawing on his arm is to shut down a pretty strong piece of evidence. That tattoo was drawn on Jimin for a reason because it’s supposed to mean something. Until we know what that something is, there is absolutely no harm in us fans talking and wondering about his identity. As long as we don’t shove it in Jimin’s face and demand that he talks about it. Let’s wonder together. Among ourselves.

As for which pronouns to use when talking about Jimin, until he says anything official about his identity, I think “he/him” pronouns are fine. If you want to call him “they/them”, I think that’s fine, too. I won’t simply because I only like to use “they/them” if I’m intentionally trying to be neutral or if an individual specifically requests to be addressed as such, but I don’t see the harm in anyone else doing it. I think going as far as using “she/her” could be a little too much and a little too presumptive. I’m not the sort to get offended by any type of pronouns. I identify with them all, but that’s not true for everyone. And it might not be true for Jimin. So I think it’s best to stick with “he/him” or “they/them” because they’re the most gender neutral terms.

And yeah. “He/him” is more gender neutral than “she/her”. And, even if you don’t think so, “he/him” are the terms we use to refer to biological males without knowing anything about their personal identity. I don’t think it’s “assuming he’s cis until he says otherwise.” This is just as harmful as “assuming he’s straight until he says otherwise.” Because, for me at least, “he/him” is referring to the only thing I know about his gender/sex until he confirms otherwise, and that’s the biological part of his gender/sex. It’s not me saying “Oh, I think he’s definitely cis unless he says he’s not”. Because I’m leaning more toward the “not” part of that, but the only thing I can confirm is that he is biologically male. He wouldn’t be in BTS if he wasn’t.

Bringing it back to the first point I mentioned, we can’t assume a gender identity onto any of them. Jimin brings up more questions not because of his “feminine” side, but because of that bigender symbol. But it doesn’t mean that he identifies that way, and it doesn’t mean none of the other members do.

Like I said. I was hesitant about making this post and avoided asks about this topic for a long time because people get more defensive about gender identity than sexuality, but I wanted to talk about this. Because regardless of how offended people get about this topic, I think it’s something we shouldn’t be afraid to discuss.

#gender analysis #needs source #might delete...

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astral-actias · 3 years

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So, okay, I don't usually like the gender to nonhumanity comparison but let's go with it for a second.

I have always felt...something. I've settled, eventually, as an ace, queer trans man with some additional nonbinary-ness. The road I took to get here was not short or simple, nor is it over, either; as long as I'm alive I could change and settle on another label, or even a whole different identity if that suits me better.

I know I have not really been entirely cis- or heterosexual, but what I have been has changed over the course of my life. I've been female and bisexual, but a tomboy; I've been female and not feminine but definitely a lesbian; I've been genderfluid, and attracted to only women; I've been nonbinary but statically so, and attracted to other nonbinary people; I've been a trans man and back to bisexual or pansexual again as far as attraction, though really mostly asexual insofar as sex being important to me or not.

I bring this up because it's become very common, especially in otherkin circles, to justify being otherkin as something like gender and orientation: it happens to you once and you have a One True You somewhere in there for your entire life, and the only direction you can go is towards this Real You. Anything else is a mistake.

This is nothing I've ever experienced with my own identity, which has wandered around in circles and occasionally gone sideways a bit, in any sense. Cool if that describes someone else out there, but it would be the height of ridiculousness to say that I wasn't really a lesbian when I identified as female and was solely attracted to females. Of course I was, because that's the term for someone like that, and that's the label I was proud to carry for that time. The person I was then with the understanding and feelings that I had then was a lesbian. That I later changed doesn't negate what was.

My understanding of myself is still evolving and will be until I stop breathing. So then, if being really, truly, for-real nonhuman is exactly like orientation and gender...well, then, that would mean that, at least for me, it would also evolve over time, and that each new step doesn't mean the ones that came before were somehow false, mistaken, or inauthentic. (What a horrible, high-stress thought...I couldn't deal with that.)

The other point is that my understanding of myself is, partly, not at all innate. I was not born with concepts or words for anything I've experienced. I didn't even realize that having attraction for more than one gender was anything unusual for my entire life up through college, and discovering the word 'bisexual' was a trip. I had never heard of trans people until later in college. I literally couldn't have identified myself as bisexual, trans, or even queer because those were not concepts I had. Being these things with these labels, as they're defined by others, is something that came to me through culture and society, and I decided eventually that they suit me as an expression.

This doesn't make my feelings more or less real. It's a lens through which I can process them. I could have had the same feelings, been the same person, and said, "I don't like these words. I think this isn't quite right." And really, even as I use them now, the nuance is close enough for rock and roll, but not entirely, 100% identical, but it's enough to be understood by others so it works.

Here's the part where I finally get around to what this has to do with otherkin. I don't see why any other aspect of identity has to be held to such a ridiculously high standard. Otherkinity itself is a community label, just like any other. If anything, it's most like gold-star gay (which is pretty outdated as a concept); you have to have always been this one thing and any deviation from the standard is grounds for losing your label.

I could, tomorrow, suddenly feel a very different way about my gender. Happened before, could happen again! I was still a trans man when I was one. Tomorrow I could wake up and not be fae anymore. I was still fae when I was fae. I wasn't mistaken, unless I choose to interpret it that way, but that's a choice I'm making. I've chosen to look at the evolution of my identity and give my past self the grace and understanding that I was not wrong when I decided who I was in the moment, and that life is defined by changes, and to give my future self the peace of mind and space to adjust course without fear of abandoning my own history.

I can't even imagine doing anything else, especially as so much of identity is informed by the culture around you. The discourse in the otherkin community regarding choice and its role in identity never seems to give the first thought to the fact that interpretation and labels are something external. Nobody is inherently otherkin, because otherkin is just a series of sounds; people may inherently feel that they're something other than human, but exactly what that is and what that means to them is a result of choosing to interact with others and accepting or rejecting various labels and defining concepts.

For my part, I can't breathe under the label of otherkin. I tried, but in the end, it was stifling, and had much more interest in telling me what I was not, by the standards of a bunch of people I've never met and don't think I would like much if I did. I'm happier being a faery without anyone else's rules telling me how I'm supposed to believe about past lives (all physically human as far as I know), or nonhuman memories (none whatsoever, thanks for asking), or whether or not I can choose to be this (I don't think I did, but I could un-choose it if I really wished to, and that's actually innate to my being fae).

And really, of course a faery is going to be happier without someone else's rules. If anything, deciding to not be otherkin is the more faery thing to do here.

Anyway this has been another vague, rambling post about why I don't like the label or the discourse and think they're both kind of full of shit, and also why I don't like the gender comparison that much. Gender is experienced just a little, if not a lot, differently by every person in the world, and for plenty of us, it's very malleable over time and probably better viewed as an ongoing process. Using it as a point of reference for something that's purportedly immutable by the most common definition is pretty damn silly in my opinion.

#otherkin #venturing into the tags like a fool tonight because I love to suffer

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the1918 · 4 years

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Some of you are familiar with my Sugar Daddy Bucky x Stevie AU, and if you are, I have some exciting news!

Sugar Baby Stevie is genderfluid!

(In an honest coincidence I happened across this information just before International Non-Binary People’s Day-- which is today!)

I have never written a nonbinary character before, so I was very excited when Stevie finally told me this! I’d like to share with everyone how I arrived at this conclusion as an author, and also tell you a little bit more about Steve.

First, some background. When I originally wrote “All the Sugar in the World”, I set out to write a totally gratuitous porn-without-plot (PWP) story in which:

Sugar Daddy Bucky and his husband Steve shared a feminization kink. The point of this mutual kink was that they both got off on Steve, a self-identifying man (who I then assumed to be cisgendered), playing the heavily feminine character of “Daddy’s Pretty Wife”.

This was a “sometimes but not all the time” bedroom dynamic for them and it was (and still is) purely sexual. “Daddy’s Pretty Wife” is a role play character for Steve, not an identity. This is the reason why in the story, Bucky uses she/her pronouns out loud when talking to Steve in-character, but refers to Steve by he/him pronouns in Bucky’s head.

As the author, I wrote both Steve and Bucky as cisgendered men, and I specified that Bucky is attracted exclusively to other men (Steve’s sexuality was not addressed).

In the other stories and head canons I have written in this AU I have always written Steve as being moderately to very effeminate both in and outside of the bedroom. This was and remains independent of the Daddy’s Pretty Wife role play character. It was made clear that he enjoys looking/feeling pretty while still identifying as a man.

So that’s how the character started for me. But lately, as I have been preparing to write a “how they met” and “first times” set of stories, I’ve thought more and more about Steve’s characterization outside of sexual role play and I’ve realized Steve’s truth: Stevie would not feel comfortable in a strict gender expression box!

Once I realized this, I immediately got writer’s block. It was like Steve would not let me write his character without recognizing that part of their identity and fleshing it out in my head. So... that’s why we’re here! I want you all to get to know Sugar Baby Stevie better. I’d also like to keep this on my blog as a standing author’s note that I can refer readers back to, because I do not plan on making this one, lone aspect of the character central to any given story; the most important and most immutable aspect of Steve’s character remains-- as always-- that Stevie likes to bounce on Daddy’s cock.

Sugar Baby Stevie:

Stevie is a genderfluid AMAB (assigned male at birth) person who prefers he/him pronouns almost all of the time, but is also fine with they/them.

But about 5% of the time, Stevie wakes up in the morning and says, “You know what? Today I am a woman.” On these days Steve prefers she/her pronouns but is still fine with they/them. Steve refers to these days as her “girly days” (or weeks).

Steve goes by “Steve” or “Stevie” no matter what kind of gender expression day they’re having. Stevie is a nickname, not a feminized version of Steve.

Steve is Bucky’s “husband” most days, but his “wife” on girly days. Steve is Bucky’s partner every day.

Bucky checks in with Steve every morning when they wake up with their own little language. He might say, “who’s my pretty sweetheart today?” and Steve might respond, “I’m your baby boy” or “Daddy’s best girl” or “who knows?”... or Steve might groan and roll over and say “ask me later Daddy, I’m sleepy”.

Steve does not experience body dysphoria on her girly days. However, she does sometimes experience gender euphoria when Daddy Bucky or others gender her correctly! Daddy loves to make his baby girl smile bright like that.

Steve loves to feel pretty no matter what kind of gender expression day it is. He loves soft colors like pinks and pastels, and he loves glitter, and all of that is still true when she’s having girly days. Oh, and lace. Steve loves lace.

One of the many reasons Steve loves Bucky is that-- unlike some people Steve has encountered in the past-- Bucky does not fetishize Steve’s genderfluidity. The feminization kink they share (the “Daddy’s Pretty Wife” persona) is completely independent of Steve’s actual gender expression. They can even enjoy that role play on girly days if they want to and it still has the same impact, no differently than a cisgendered woman roleplaying a sexy French maid in bed. It’s a character.

Daddy refers to Steve’s ass as a “pussy” or a “cunt” regardless of Steve’s current gender expression, because Steve likes how dirty it sounds and because it’s a taboo-sounding kind of talk that gets them both going.

I have a lot of other head canons on this topic (Stevie is soooo talkative now that they’ve opened up to me about their gender!), but I’ll stop there for now.

Now that we know more about Steve’s own gender dynamic, I want to address (as a standing A/N) how my “author epiphany moment” has impacted my previous works in this series and how I have changed them (including re-writes and added author’s notes):

The AU/Series name has been changed from “Sugar Daddy Bucky and Twunk Stevie” to just “Sugar Daddy Bucky and Stevie”, because “twunks” are boys and sometimes Steve is not a boy!

“All The Sugar In The World” remains largely unchanged, because the premise is still completely valid in the context of Steve’s genderfluidity. The story takes place on a day when Steve identifies as a man (which he does most days) and Bucky is aware of that, which was also the situation when I posted the story originally.

The main thing that has been changed about ATSITW is Bucky’s sexuality. In the original story it was implied that that Bucky is attracted exclusively to men (”gay as a daffodil”, my ode to Freddie Mercury). Looking back, I realized that what I was really feeling was that Bucky is attracted primarily to masculine bodies like Steve’s. Given the fact that Bucky is attracted to Steve independent of his chosen gender expression, I think he would more closely identify as bisexual with a preference for men. TL;DR: Bucky can’t get hung up on pronouns when his mouth is too full of Steve’s pussy to pronounce them.

The remaining fics and ficlets in that series all took place on “he/him” days, so again, no changes required.

I am SO excited to write more of these two in the future. They are all different kinds of kinky and they are so very, very in love <3

Thank you so much to @andysmountains for being my counselor through this exploration and providing sensitivity reading, hype, and incredible head canons. Also, shout-out to @cantabile-l for being a magical trove of head canon detail.

Last--- I myself do not currently identify as non-binary, so I welcome input from my NB readers who have thoughts/comments/concerns/head canons about Steve!

#sugar baby stevie #my fic

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honexjams · 3 years

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just was watching an ftm tiktok compilation that featured kalvin garrah and it got me heated, i have a LOT to say about him and his influence but i will condense it to this:

all trans people have an era of discovery and experimentation, for some that includes experimenting with pronouns online to see what theyre comfortable with. the rise in people IDing with they/them or they/she or they/he is infinitely more to do with more trans kids feeling comfortable to experiment than it is with unconcerned cis people wanting clout. (i know some cis people do ID as lgbt for attention, i grew up in a very depressed/depressing and drug-laden small town where its not unheard of for people, especially young people, to go to strange lengths for relief, comfort, and entertainment. this small amount does not tend to go through the worst of the treatment i had as a young, binary trans person in this parish, which alone will garuntee those folks didnt ID this way 'for funzies' very long)

writing off all of these young people as simply wanting attention is harmful to both nonbinary people directly and binary trans people who are young and trying to figure out what theyre comfortable with.

i can say for myself personally, that i am very sensitive so if the trans online sphere was as critical in 2012 as it is today, it probably wouldve thrown a wrench in my personal process of understanding my feelings and realizing the transphobic responses i got from coming out were just that and not the absolute truth. which wouldve in turn left me IDing as non-binary or nothing at all online for a longer time because i wouldve been more concerned with my fear of seeming like i wanted attention online than actually trying to nut up and come out at school or do anything i needed to do irl for my comfort.

i first listed my pronouns on a writing site thats mostly barren last i checked, and what i put was "he/him/they/them" because i was at a place where i was caught between what i felt was true about myself, and having just come out to my mother as an 11-year-old and her not believing me.

demonizing non binary pronouns and identities will 100% effect this generation of trans kids because for those with no support, they will turn to the internet. when both their real life and the online spaces they go to are highly critical and unaccepting of nonbinary identities, any kid less than 100% sure theyre a binary trans person will suffer at the very least an extended period of confusion and denial, and at worst never fully come to grips with who they are.

ive always felt really strongly about this but i feel as i hit the 10 year mark of knowing i was trans (and still being pretty young at 20yo) its a good time to express these feelings a little more formally than i tend to. especially because i fit into the like, Ideal Trans Experience of knowing i was a boy at a young age (i mentioned finding trans people at 11 but i have Very early memories of telling other kids on the playground that 'i was born a boy who looked like a girl so my parents raised me as a girl' which is dummy accurate to a trans experience often shown in media yk).

(this next paragraph is all personal anecdotes which are important to my point but if you dont care feel free to skip over it)

I do very much believe and accept nonbinary people as truth because i can understand how someone can feel like something that isnt understandable to the society they grew up in because that was my experience as an lgbt person in the deep south. I remember hearing my mom at a local parade (a Very Community-Focused thing where i grew up), see two teen girls holding hands walking down the street and saying "theyre a little young for that, huh?" to a friend, I remember asking her what 'gay' meant as a kid bc ofc i heard it at school and just wanted padding for if i ever said it out loud because as i knew it, wasnt a curse word but it was Bad Word (bc i knew from hearing it around school that it was a Bad Word)i wanted to know what it meant, she said "some boys date boys, its not really a Good lifestyle, but sometimes they do it". Ive heard many transmedicalists say 'how can you have dysphoria for nothing?' as in how can someone be agender. I am a binary trans man in a committed relationship with another man and I am frankly bewildered as to how a binary trans person can believe such a thing as 'the only genders that exist are ones i know about, even after discovering my own queerness' because I can perfectly understand the correlation between binary and nonbinary trans people. For me, growing up as a teenager in the south in the 2010s, gays were vaguely accepted but still ostrisized, and in school i had a classmate who i knew is a binary trans man because i still know him now, and I, my insecure, weak, self concious self emailed my teachers about my pronouns and name while he was still being called his birthname in class and my cousin, who sat in front of me next to him (thats how small a fown this is) was the only person who called him his chosen name, which was how i figured he was like me.

I personally dont want bottom surgery even tho i Fully identify as a binary male, I simply came to the understanding that a 'cis penis' is not something I will ever have so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ may aswell get used to the things i can tolerate, unlike my chest and 'feminine' features that T has changed.

Long story short if You are a binary trans person who doesn't get what the whole nonbinary thing is all about, simply try describing your own trans experience as if you were really not a boy or girl. As if you really, through your deepest soul-searching, came up with the fact that you simply dont identify with neither male nor female.

Back to the original point of binary trans people in a self descovery phase, if You are a binary trans person? try to remember the first time you felt really invalidated in a way that truly struck you as like, a direct attack on how you feel (like how those depressing 'relatable posts' do), did you ever feel like if that was something you experienced in a crucial part of your discovery period that it wouldve hurt a lot? maybe even to the point where it surpressed how you felt about yourself? All i want from the trans community is to not let anyone else feel that way. I truly do fear for young trans people and how this exclusive environment stunts them.

#talkin.555 #trans #ftm #if anybody has anything to say about anything i brought up lmk id be happy to address it fr #and also fyi i am a binary trans man #i Found trans people and was like woah wtf thats a thing 👀👀👀 when i was 11 in 2012 for context of what im tallembout when i say the trans #spaces online have gotten more critical since ive been involved #this prolly #isnt thst comprehensible because i started trxting my dad for the first time in a year partway thru #im #bout to jusy #b scrolling degular now because that was a lot but i just want the brst for #other trans kids #whomped tags

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gascon-en-exil · 3 years

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It's still somewhat astounding to me that a single offhand comment about trans headcanons for a Three Houses character got me a torrent of verbose anon hate, all presumably from one very loudly opinionated person. I'm not going to bother responding to those directly or any of the many that will assuredly follow - although I am old enough to be amused by the thought that the same whining the troll makes about trans headcanons contributing nothing to fandom could have been ripped right out of 2000s-era discourse, except back then it was about gay headcanons/fic - but a combination of candor and spite has nonetheless prompted me to put my current project on hold for a moment and talk a little about why I would have trans headcanons at all, and more specifically the kind that I do.

I have in the past suggested that, while I generally identify as cis, my gender has become more fluid in certain circumstances over the past half decade or so. Sexual circumstances, to be precise, to the point that I do now describe myself as "genderfluid in bed" for men who display an interest in such things. The common term for that is feminization kink, and for the men who are into that it usually manifests in little more than a desire to see me in lingerie and/or the use of associated wordplay during sex (ex. calling my hole a pussy/cunt, expressing a desire to impregnate me). I can understand why that might be appealing for some men; gay men collectively have a bunch of hangups with regard to straight men, and while that more often manifests through lewd fantasies of celebrities or watching porn where allegedly straight guys jack off for the camera I can also see in encounters with those men a desire to in essence RP as straight men fucking women. I get that from some bi men too, men who have explicitly enjoyed my natural androgyny and in some cases have even used their sexual experiences with cis women to add some extra flavor to our time together. Obviously this isn't a thing for all or even most gay/bi men - and guys who are looking for more masc partners are unlikely to start talking to me in the first place - but anecdotally speaking there are men of varying self-identified orientations who are into feminized AMAB sexual partners.

Now of course this comes to what is probably a more salient question: am I into that, or is it just one of several types of kink I'm willing to engage in because it broadens my appeal? There's no shortage of that in my sexual CV; I've let men suck on my toes, piss on me, tie me up, flog me, on occasion done all of the above to them, and more - but I'm sufficiently aware of my own interests to know that none of those things really turn me on. Feminization however I do like, so much so that I've noticed that I'm more genuinely attracted to men who treat me in what I perceive to be a feminine way, who take the lead in social situations and in intimacy and who enjoy the contrast in our bodies (these men almost always being bigger, hairier, and hopefully more well-endowed). The concept of treating me as feminine alone carries a ton of culturally specific baggage. The French are traditionally perceived as a more feminine/effete culture in the English-speaking world. Créole women like my female relatives and ancestors are notorious for the way they control their husbands, lovers, children, and (back when we had them) domestics while still constrained by the bounds of patriarchal society. It is through them that I learned most of how I conduct myself around men both in and out of bed, that the easiest way to control a man is to appear to be controlled by him while simultaneously enslaving him to his passions - passions that I intimately understand because I too have a dick. Most of my sexual partners come from backgrounds very different from that, so they have trouble understanding how I approach sex even if I'm trying to form an actual relationship with them. Still, some of them try, and I enjoy it when they do.

I've had trouble opening up about this before on my blog, not because of any trolls (although pissing off trolls is always fun) but because I've never been quite certain of how welcome talking about this would be. Most of the content and resources by, for, and about trans women online I've come across has concerned lesbian trans women, or otherwise centered around trans women's relationships (sexual or otherwise) with other women. As someone who still conceptualizes my gender identity first and foremost in relation to my sexual availability to men, those resources are unsurprisingly not going to speak to me very well. General trans content on Tumblr and other fandom spaces is similarly of little personal appeal, with the users skewing heavily AFAB and therefore more likely to feature trans men. I fully understand why that is, and on occasion I've been known to enjoy M/M porn where one character has a vagina with no explanation. God knows I've fantasized before about having an orifice that lubricates itself, doesn't need to be flushed out before sex, and is naturally built to take a cock. The philosophy behind most trans headcanons does elude me a bit though, as it seems to me like it'd be easier to keep a character's canon AGAB and change their gender identity rather than the reverse. Apparently that approach is much less common, but I can safely say that all of the handful of trans headcanons I've had involve canonically cis male characters imagined as trans female and sexually involved with cis male characters - big surprise there, right?

I get the impression that my perspective could easily be considered antiquated in several ways: that I emphasize sexual activity over the more nebulous sexual attraction when it comes to discussing orientation; that I prioritize my sexual activity over my gender identity; that I believe there exists a liminal space between fem cis gay men and straight trans women, and that there is historical precedence for such a space in pre-modern/early modern queer communities; and that to the extent that I've internalized a feminine gender identity I do so in the context of my relationships with men. Again, a lot of that comes down to culture, to the myriad ways in which queerness in New Orleans has retained its own history and character independent of other queer cultures in the English-speaking world. Maybe some of it sounds outdated, or misogynistic (I've seen that criticism lobbied at drag queens, and it would probably apply here too), or most bizarrely of all transphobic...but it's all nonetheless a part of who I am, and at the end of the day the only people whose opinions on this subject really matter to me are the men who want to take me to bed. To quote a particularly fitting verse from "Sugar Daddy" of Hedwig and the Angry Itch:

So you think only a woman Can truly love a man? Well, you buy me the dress, I'll be more woman Than a man like you can stand

Indeed.

#Pointless rambling #My sexcapades

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the-queer-look · 3 years

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Couple Theory

Name: Lucy Age: 24 Location: Glebe Occupation: Bush Regenerator Sexual Orientation: Lesbian Gender: Female

Name: Aisling Age: 21 Location: Glebe Occupation: Customer Service Sexual Orientation: Queer Gender: Female

Lucy – I feel like I’m still figuring out how I’m comfortable presenting because I didn’t come out till I was twenty, which was quite a time after I realised I was gay at sixteen. When I moved to Sydney I really wanted to show people that I was queer, and with much of my influence being from the internet, I wore a lot of the stereotypical lesbian clothing I saw on there – mostly sporty sorts of clothing – but as I’ve gone through, whenever I find something that I don’t hate myself in I wear it over and over again until something new comes along. Recently I’ve been vibing with the look of boots, singlet tops, and making my tattoos very visible. I make myself look somewhat unapproachable with my resting face being a frown, and my outfits being if not aggressive, then non-welcoming, but if people do actually come up to me I really want people to like me, so it all falls away.

Aisling – My daily presentation is just the easy T-shirts and jeans, lots of bouldering merch, maybe a button up if I’m being a little fancy, just a classic chapstick lesbian.

Lucy – Where did your inspo for that come from?

Aisling – What? Jeans and a shirt? Does that need inspiration? I guess I tuck my shirt in to make sure its queer? I have a lot of Vans, and a milk crate full of socks I guess. I used to save up money when I was in high school to put towards my first pair of Vans and I was so excited. I think I have twenty pairs now? Lots of converse, runners, and climbing shoes as well. Colourful socks and shoes are my thing I guess.

Lucy – I remember I was sixteen when I realised I liked girls, but I don’t know what triggered it. I think it was something on TV? I think it was an NCIS episode and they had a really awful portrayal of lesbians, who were identified as gay because at the end of the episode they held hands, and that triggered some kind of twinge in my chest that I’d never felt before.

Ailing – That was your gay bone

Lucy – My gay bone?

K – Yeah, your sternum is your gay bone

Ailing – I’ve torn that twice from being too gay

K – you need to remember to stretch before going out and being gay all night.

Lucy – It was a really weird feeling, I didn’t know what it was. I couldn’t stop thinking about it, so I went and found out about the episode, and it was of course one of those “oh no homosexuals are evil” sorts of plots. I think that negative portrayal contributed to my negative feelings about being gay, and being so scared to come out. I don’t know where else that would have come from because my parents never expressed any opinion about homosexuality. Those feelings were confirmed when I had my first crush on a girl in my school. I was nauseous more than anything when I realised it, and I just ignored that feeling for years which isn’t healthy. What helped me overcome it though, as I’m sure helped a lot of people from small towns with not much queer representation was the internet, and YouTubers, The Legend of Korra, and Tumblr. (The ending of Legend of Korra) was ust so beautiful, and so revolutionary as well. I remember seeing the ship of Korra and Asami come up on my tumblr, but it was years before the end fo the show, when it actually happened. I remember watching it on a family holiday trip and had to leave the dining table and I was shaking and crying because it was such a huge, beautiful moment that was probably one of the most significant moments of accepting myself. Looking back I definitely associate that final image of them holding hands before going to the spirit world together with my final stage of accepting who I am.

Moving to Sydney was my time to finally come out and explore. I came out to one of my Canadian exchange friends who was here, and they took me to Birdcage (lesbian nightclub in Sydney) where I met some of my friends. My first time in a queer club was like being surrounded by a family who I felt like I knew even though I hadn’t met any of them. That was also the year that the marriage equality vote was passed, So I took that opportunity to find out what my parents thought about homosexuality by asking them what they were voting for. They both said they were voting yes, which made me feel comfortable enough to come out to them the next week.

I’m still learning what are the most appropriate ways to describe myself and my relationship with myself, and how to present myself to the world. The more I learn, the more I will change the way I present myself, and there is a lot more of myself to explore.

Aisling – I think I was around thirteen or fourteen when I saw the show “faking it” - a show about a girl in high school figuring out her sexuality – and I just noticed that I was relating to every situation that the character was going through, and suddenly realised I was questioning my sexuality. I mentioned it to one of my friends that I used to walk to school with, and she would just keep egging me on with “come on just say it, just say you’re gay its fine”. I came out to her as bi at one stage, but I didn’t like that term, I didn’t like the term lesbian either, and still don’t, I prefer to think of myself as queer, or just gay.

When I actually came out two or so years later, I remember telling my close friend group that I was bi… and then later that week just said “nah I’m gay actually”. It was about 7:30pm, on a Wednesday night, after basketball, in the shower talking to myself saying “im gonna do this, im gonna do this”. Just me and my dad home, I psyched myself up for ages and then walked in and out of the kitchen about five times before going “Dad, I have something to tell you” sweating bullets “Dad, I’m gay la di da.”

Lucy – La di da?

Aisling – yes, Father, it’s la di da for me I’m afraid

Lucy – please put my sexuality down as la di da

Aisling – The first thing he said to me was “yeah I always thought you had a bigger obsession with the female tennis players than the men.” and yeah damn he had me there. I hate that I remember the day and everything… like the first of September 2016?

I moved out from my mum to my dad’s mostly because my mum’s partner at the time was very homophobic, and any dinner conversation would turn to him deriding gay marriage, or coming out with some racist shit. Eventually I decided “this bothers me too much, I’m going to have to say something” and it was… really upsetting when he didn’t agree. So of course I came out to my dad first and made him tell mum, which was then an interesting conversation…

“Your father tells me you’ve told him you’re gay?”

“yep, that’s it”

She contacted my school supervisor that night and told all of my teachers to look out for any homophobic acts towards me, letting them know that I was gay and to look out for me.

Lucy – I feel like together we tick a lot of stereotypes

Aisling – We really do

Lucy – We moved in together really quickly

Aisling – We own a cat together

Lucy – Theres that Subaru…

Aisling – I also had a lot of influence from those same queer YouTubers, and seeing their coming out videos and how free they felt afterwards made me really want to share it.

Immediately after I came out everyone at school was very supportive, like they already knew and assumed I was gay because I was just that sporty chick, so being gay just sorta went with it?

Lucy – I think I looked for validation from my parents. When I came out to mum there was no huge deal made about it, butI think validation from them comes in small snippets. Every time mum sends me something, like recently she arranged her coloured chopping boards into a rainbow and sent me a picture with “these are for you!” it’s very small, but its very significant. When I had a really big hickey on my neck, my dad said

“oh who gave you that on your neck? Does he sleep in a coffin?”

“it was a she actually”

“oh does she sleep in a coffin then?”

he just wanted to channel it into a dad joke, but it was a weird way to come out to him actually.

Aisling – To me the term Queer means “everyone included” even just an ally of the community, or a parent of an LGBT person doing your best to make them feel safe and welcome, you’re welcome in the community you know? By properly supporting something, you become a part of it.

Lucy – For me it’s very similar with those lines of community and family. It can be a label, but I feel that its evolving more into a term that indicates embracing all people. I use it sometimes to refer to a collective group of… well queer people. I refer to my close friends as my queer family.

Aisling – It feels better to use than assuming someone’s sexuality or gender without knowing the specifics.

Lucy – Individually I wouldn’t refer to any of my friends as queer. I know one friend refers to himself specifically as a bisexual, man, rather than a queer person. So I definitely like its a more family, community term, rather than a specific label, though It can still be used as one.

Aisling – I like the term because when I first came out I identified as bi, then gay, then bi, then gay, than they? And it feels more appropriate to use for myself because I’m still working it out, and it can cover a lot. For example I don’t think of myself as completely feminine, but I also don’t like the term non-binary to refer to myself, but the idea of “They” still, rather than just being she/her, I like the idea of she/they. And referring to myself as queer feels more of an accurate description.

Lucy – Ever since moving to Sydney and coming out and going to that first club night I’ve always thrown myself into as many queer events as I possibly could. I want to be able to contribute more to the community rather than just be involved in it, a lot of my friends are very engaged in the queer community, and I feel like I don’t have that level of involvement. I love that I’m never scared or intimidated to go to queer events, by myself or with my friends. Whilst I feel very connected to the queer community, I wish I could be more involved. I’m scared that since my friend group is all finishing university and looking to the future, that I’ll lose that sense of connection as everyone moves away, even though I’m sure we’ll all stay in touch.

Aisling – I feel little to no involvement in the queer community at the moment because I’m focusing so hard on my training. I’m involved with Queer Climbers Sydney though, and am looking to get more involved in the future, as soon as I have the time to do stuff.

Lucy – Challenges facing the queer community here isn Sydney… I feel like we need to create a wider variety of safer spaces in more areas. There’re certain areas of Sydney where queer people I know just don’t feel as comfortable. And the ones we do have are always pubs and clubs. Not to detract from queer nightlife; but having so much of queer culture based around adult only areas reinforces the idea that being gay, or trans, or whatever is an adult thing, and makes it easier for people to excuse restricting education about it to kids, which can be so harmful growing up and not having the education to understand yourself.

Aisling – I feel like theres more acceptance towards gay, lesbian, and bi people. But there’s less of an acceptance of trans people, like they can understand being gay, but they cant seem to understand what a trans person even is, much less how to approach them. Probably need more education about it in schools. More comprehensive sex ed instead of just how to put a condom on a fucking banana.

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uncloseted · 3 years

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So I've had a conversation with a friend, and he was telling me that gay people are not Born gay but become gay because of social experiences and I called that homophobic he got really offended and said he was not that he didn't care if someone is gay or not but it's a fact and a point made by many psychologists that people become gay because of their environment, I said what I found homophobic was the implication it's like a mental disease he said he didn't believe it was a disease but that if you say it's inherent it's like saying it's genetic which it's not and that the same person has different chances of becoming gay according to their family and socio cultural experiences. It did got me thinking, are you aware of such studies and their revelance?

The answer to the question “what makes people gay” is really nuanced and I think probably more complicated than you might have expected. I’ll get into explaining those nuances the best that I can in a second, but I think the best answer to your friend’s argument is just that he has the correlation and causation backwards.

People who are raised in environments where being LGBT+ is permissible aren’t more likely to be gay; they’re just more likely to come out of the closet because they know they’ll be accepted and that they won’t be in any danger. In places where homophobia is rampant, of course there appear to be fewer LGBT+ people- the LGBT+ people who are out in those places are disowned, harassed, bullied, attacked, and sometimes killed. It makes sense that more LGBT+ people would opt to stay in the closet in a situation where violence is a possibility. This comes out in the data; although it appears that more gay men live in costal cities in the US, the percentage of internet porn searches for gay male porn are the same across all states, around 5%.

Moving on to the “causes” of homosexuality, it’s likely a lot of different things in combination, and there’s not exactly a scientific consensus just yet. Male homosexuality may have different causes than female sexuality and bisexuality, and trans identities are also a separate set of factors. For the purposes of this conversation, let’s focus on male homosexuality, as it’s the most studied.

First, a couple of things that it’s not: per the Royal College of Psychiatrists, there’s no evidence that parenting or early childhood experiences play a role in sexual orientation. Per the American Academy of Pediatrics, “there is no scientific evidence that abnormal parenting, sexual abuse, or other adverse life events influence sexual orientation. Current knowledge suggests that sexual orientation is usually established during early childhood.” Children who grow up to be non-heterosexual are, on average, substantially more gender non-conforming in childhood (even if they’re bullied for it), supporting the idea that sexuality is established early in life. Sexual orientation is not a choice (here, here, and here). In (old, unethical) studies where newborn and infant boys were surgically reassigned into girls and raised as girls, they did not become more feminine or male-attracted than their AMAB counterparts. Socialization does not induce feminine behaviors in men or make them attracted to men. “Nurture” is a lot stronger than “nature” in this case. There are no scientifically rigorous studies that support the idea that sexuality can be changed after birth, whether through surgical treatments, lobotomies, hormone treatments, electric chock treatments, aversion therapy, hypnosis, psychoanalysis, or any other type of conversion treatment. I would love to see his sources on all of these psychologists who supposedly believe people are gay due to their social environment.

Sexual orientation appears to be a complex interplay of biological and environmental (but not social) factors. Nonsocial, biological factors have more evidence to support them than environmental factors, particularly in homosexual men. So your friend isn’t entirely wrong, although he’s right for the wrong reasons. Environment is a factor, and so is family (since that’s where you get your genes and epigenetics from) but homosexuality is inherent.

Let’s start with strictly biological factors that go into sexual orientation.

One of the biggest hypotheses for the cause of homosexuality is the impact of hormones on a developing fetus. I’m going to skip over a lot of biology here, but basically the core of this theory is that gay men’s brains may have been exposed to less testosterone in the womb than their heterosexual counterparts, had less receptivity to the masculinizing effects of the testosterone, or experienced fluctuations in hormones at key times in their development. In women, it’s hypothesized that the opposite is true- lesbians may have been exposed to higher levels of testosterone. This is supported by right hand finger digit ratios (the length of the index finger divided by the length of the ring finger), which are a marker of prenatal testosterone exposure- lesbians have a lower digit ratio than heterosexual women, while gay men have a higher digit ratio than straight men. Gay men may have been exposed to more testosterone than their straight counterparts for a number of different reasons, including maternal immune response and fraternal birth order, genes, epigenetics, and prenatal environmental chemical exposure. We’ll go over each of those below:

Maternal immune responses during fetal development are demonstrated as being a cause of male homosexuality. During pregnancy of a male child, male cells enter a mother’s bloodstream. These cells are foreign to the mother, and so her body develops antibodies to neutralize them. Again, skipping over a lot of nitty-gritty biology here, but basically, the more pregnancies a woman has, the better her body gets at neutralizing male cells (particularly, Y-linked antigens) and the more antibodies she has against those Y-linked antigens.

In turn, this creates what’s known as the “fraternal birth order effect”- basically, the more male sons a woman has, the more likely it is that her next son will be gay. One study found that each additional older brother increases the odds of a man being gay by 33%. Researchers have found that mothers with a gay son have heightened levels of antibodies to the NLGN4Y Y-protein than mothers with heterosexual sons. The fraternal birth order effect is estimated to account for between 15 and 29% of male homosexuality. Some studies have identified structural differences in the brains of homosexual men as opposed to heterosexual men that are due to prenatal hormonal exposure. For example, straight men typically have right hemispheres that are 2% larger than their left, while in gay men the two hemispheres are typically the same size.

Genes also play a role in sexual orientation. Identical twins are more likely to share a sexual orientation than fraternal twins or adopted siblings (an estimated 80% of identical twins share a sexual orientation). The largest study on the genetic basis of sexuality, published in Science, determined that there are at least five different genes that are correlated with homosexuality. The genes identified do all sorts of different things, and some have functions that are yet to be determined. An estimated 25% of sexual behavior is attributed to genetics. Another study found that maternal female relatives of homosexual men tend to have more offspring, suggesting that genetic material that promotes fertility in women and homosexuality in men is being genetically passed down on the X chromosome. Researchers estimated that this explains about 20% of genetic homosexuality (which is right in line with the estimate that there are four other genes involved).

Epigenetic factors also impact a person’s sexuality. Epigenetic changes are changes in gene activity that are not caused by changes to the DNA sequence itself. Epigenetic factors can “turn on” or “turn off” the expression of certain genes. Per an article from The Guardian, “think of DNA as an orchestral score, the notes on the page unchanging. But the annotations on the manuscript will dictate how the music sounds, with crescendo and lento and adagio. The conductor and orchestra play their annotated manuscript, and each performance is unique, even when the original scores are identical.” Epigenetic marks can be “turned on” or “turned off” during gestation as well as after birth. Researchers hypothesize that epigenetic factors change how cells respond to androgen signaling, which is critical to sexual development. Like we talked about above, fetal levels of exposure to the androgen, testosterone, seem to impact sexual orientation. In gay men, the epigenetic marks responsible for managing the amount of testosterone the fetus is exposed to are thought to be too aggressive, blocking testosterone from reaching the fetus. This is pretty new research still, so the evidence to support it is limited, but one study found that the methylation pattern (the epigenetic change) in nine regions of the genome appeared to be linked to sexual orientation, and could use it to predict the sexual orientation of a group with 70% accuracy.

There are a handful of statistical physiological differences between gay and straight man in addition to the difference in brain hemisphere size I mentioned above. These are averages across populations, so they may not apply to each and every homosexual or heterosexual individual. The suprachiasmatic nucleus of the hypothalamus is larger in gay men than in non-gay men. The INAH 3 in the brains of gay men are the same size as the INAH 3 in women; both are smaller than in heterosexual men’s brains. Homosexual and heterosexual brains respond differently to two putative sex pheromones. The amygdala is more active in gay men than straight men when exposed to sexual material. Gay men are more likely to be left handed or ambidextrous than straight men. Gay men are more likely to have a counterclockwise hair whorl than the general population, which is also correlated with left handedness. Gay men have increased ridge density in the fingerprints on their left thumbs and little fingers compared to straight men. These are all minor, but support the idea that there is a biological basis to homosexuality.

Now that we’ve gotten through the biological factors, let’s talk environmental. When we say, “environmental” people usually think of the environment a child is raised in- who they parents are, how their parents act, who their friends are, what kind of activities they do, etc. But in this case, that’s not what we mean. The impact of a person’s environment after birth seems to have a weak effect on sexual orientation at best; there is no substantial evidence to suggest that early childhood experiences influence sexual orientation at all. So in that case, what do we mean by “environmental”? We’re really talking about the environment the mother was in during the pregnancy, and the prenatal environment that the fetus experienced (the hormonal influences that we talked about above). These may include things like maternal exposure to anti-androgenic chemicals and endocrine disruptors while pregnant. However, given that homosexual people have always been present, even pre-industrialization, these factors cannot be considered central to what causes homosexuality.

#Anonymous #effys-closet #effys closet

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yukiobeyme · 4 years

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can i plssss get some trans man mc who's proudly feminine headcanons with the boys? like to where you wouldnt even think they were trans but they're comfortable with their presentation, you feel? (maybe some trans Levi and mammon maybe not who knows i dunno-)

I will admit this was a little bit of a challenge, but I wanted to take a shot at it. I looked up for reference and I relate a little because I still like feminine things, but I think I turn away from them because I find it harder to pass. So with a mix of research and some of my feelings I made these hc. Thank you for asking for these, because I tended to do an insecure occasionally secure masculine trans man, so yes let's do a trans man who is confident and doesn’t mind if he is feminine cause he still valid af. Article I looked at is

Please let me know if any of these come off inaccurate, not LGBT friendly or can be perceived as offensive because that isn’t my goal. I’m totally open to having this conversation in the comments or privately.

Trans man mc who's proudly feminine

You are a transman

But you didn’t strive for masculinity

You adore being feminine

You sometimes bind but you were fine and comfortable with your chest

You didn’t feel the need to confide to people’s idea of what a man should look like

It was based on the culture of toxic masculinity anyways saying a man should be a ‘manly’ man all the freaking time. It was tiring.

You didn’t mind too much when people used the wrong pronouns, you gently corrected when you bothered but you were a man and you knew it, so it didn’t matter what others think

Lucifer:

Does have a puzzling and curious look

But completely accepts you for who you are

Asks question, being cautious to not overstep any boundaries

It was cute but also a little frustrating, but you knew he was just trying to be respectful

You finally told him that gender expression comes in a lot of different ways

Which he agreed to and then followed up with how you do it, how comfortable you were

You told him it took a few years and maybe occasionally on Earth it was hard because people are rude when they don’t understand. Like why not just be a lesbian, sometimes when you are frustrated or had enough you can get by as a gay trans man. But you came to terms with it and realized it didn’t matter what others thought. You were you and those who matter wouldn’t mind and those that mind didn’t matter

He totally gave you a small smile at that, he was really happy you felt that way and was just comfortable in your skin

He felt more comfortable to give you the occasional compliment

You would totally try and see if he wanted to test out a more feminine style simply because when he was stressed, he come and watch you do your makeup occasionally. He said your movements were really strong and confident it was relaxing.

Would never let you do it though. Except maybe one he asked about eye liner (Honestly I just want Lucifer in eyeliner tbh)

Mammon:

Asked the most question, some borderline offensive and insensitive

But you knew it because he cared and wanted to understand

In Devildom gender wasn’t a big deal here

But Mammon knew Earth and it customizes so he was just genuinely curious

Especially how men where perceived or should act

But most of these came from a place of him being trans and did get how you could do it sometimes

Because Mammon was a model and was always desperate to ensure he passed and always looked like a manly man

Mammon couldn’t truly relate but he offered modeling experiences that he thought kinda relate

Which maybe they did maybe they didn’t

But you enjoyed spending time with him and learning more about him

He would totally shyly ask you to do his makeup, especially if you wanted to practice

Either practice a new technique, product, or look

Totally enjoys it even if he denies it

But he liked to spend time with you and he actually enjoyed some of the looks you created

He ends up asking you for eyeliner and mascara recommendations

Mammon still asked questions and liked having discussions with you

And pushes his own thoughts, feelings, and opinions

Allows himself to embrace a little more of his feminine side

But usually with a lot of encouragement from you

His was on edge when he first wore a makeup look out

It was natural but it would be noticeable to his brothers

Expecting to be teasing but only Asmodeus commented on it

Saying it looked lovely and brought out his eyes

Which after you went back behind clothes doors

Mammon would be on that high for a long time

Enjoyed to indulge himself more often

Even went as far as getting a modeling gig that allowed him to be more feminine

It was his favorite gig he had ever done and he said you being there made it that much better.

Leviathan:

Wasn’t able to contain his surprise

But was quickly stumbled through an apologize

Because he didn’t mind

If he doesn’t have anime or manga with Femme Trans Men/ didn’t already know of any, he did his research and found some for y’all to bond over

And he used it for some education purposes, but asked you if it was accurate or not

He would eventually ask of the problems you face

He would eventually come around and said he has played with this idea he could possibly non-binary, but he tended to see himself as more transmasculine/ trans man but just wasn’t sure. He just knew he hated the idea of just checking a box for his gender

He disclosed how he was he was envious of how confident you were in feminine things

You totally dragged him on a shopping trip

You bought him stuff he liked and kept it in your room so he wouldn’t feel insecure if his brothers say it.

You ended up getting him a flower crown (I’m so sorry I couldn’t resist)

But you hang out a lot more and bonded with each other over anime, manga and even makeup

Levi won’t let you do his makeup, but he enjoys watching you

He says it’s really calming

You helped him push his boundaries

And telling him it doesn’t make him less of a man by enjoying feminine things

He would tell you, you helped him a lot with confirming his identity but you would refuse to take credit

Saying all you did was encourage him and create a place where he faced no judgment.

Satan:

You casually mentioned it to him while he was reading

He simply hummed in response

Until it seemed to register with him

He was really sweet but casually with it

He asked how much people’s opinions impacted you

You told him it might get to you sometimes but you were confident enough in your identity and appearance that at the end of the day it doesn’t matter

He ends going to one of his many stacks of books and pulled out a book before sitting down beside you

He tells you it from the Celestial Realm, but it contained information about Devildom

He flipped to a certain page and read it to you

That angels didn’t have genders and only adopted a gender when they presented themselves to humans

And then he was up again finding another people

About gender identity and expression

And how there are cultures that have similar ideas

It was really sweet honestly

He said he just wanted to make sure you felt valid and while he didn’t understand what it was like, he understood the concept and completely accepted it

Whenever there was an event that required dressed up

You would do your makeup in his bathroom

He would read to you

Totally gifted you makeup look books as well as magazines that had feminine male in them

Just small things that show he thinks about you.

Asmodeus:

Probably the most understanding

He loved embracing his feminine side, so he had a better idea than most of the brothers

Says he desperate needs more shopping trips with you

Does your makeup or asks you all the time to do it

He honestly just loves and adores it

Completely hypes you up all the time

Wants (he says it’s a need) fashion shows

But you also help him embrace a more feminine style as well

He would tell you about how he always wanted to try dresses, skirts, things that always seemed forbidden to him

While he might not wear it in public, whenever you were behind closed doors, he would occasionally wear one and do fashion shows for you

Then it was your turn to hype him up because you found out he was actually really insecure

Beelzebub:

Beelz never questioned it,

Was your hype man

Thoroughly enjoyed watching you get ready

And seeing your style

Would totally buy you things once in a while

He stuck more towards jewelry instead of clothes

But they were still cute pieces and kind thoughts

You would incorporate every piece into your next day outfit

Beelz reaction was totally work it

You would talk about it sometimes

He would hype you up or comfort you if needed

But a lot of times you were okay, you knew when you looked good and you identify was valid regardless of what others think

Would occasionally ask questions but nothing to extreme

Definitely made sure you felt love and valid at all times

Belphegor:

It was during lazy cuddling

Like he knew your name and how you presented yourself

But never gave it much thought

His eyes widen in surprise but went back to be somewhat shut

He told you it was all fine, all good

He made sure you felt valid and loved from his reaction

But in the moment, it didn’t go beyond that

Also lets you do makeup

Actually, you were dared to do his makeup while he was asleep

And you took the challenge

When he woke up he was annoyed at first

But later he told you, he actually liked how he looked

Eyeliner/smokey eye became a thing for him

You would talk a lot of what you thought/felt/ and your experiences

He just wanted to get to know you more and this seemed like to be an easy way to do so

#Trans MC #Trans Mammon #Trans Levi #obey me satan #obey me mammon #obey me lucifer #obey me asmodeus #obey me leviathan #obey me beelzebub #obey me belphegor #lucifer obey me #mammon obey me #leviathan obey me #satan obey me #asmodeus obey me #beelzebub obey me #belphegor obey me #yuki writes #obey me hc

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tamamonomaes · 4 years

Text

Clearing Up Misconceptions on How Gendered Language Works in Japanese

In specifically relation to Fate, how this effects how the characters present, and why these misconceptions could be interpreted as disrespectful to the Japanese trans community.

(DISCLAIMER: I am NOT cis like people seem to think! I realise you may assume that looking at me, but it's because of medical reasons. Corrections and input from native Japanese speakers welcome and encouraged!

1 The "I pronoun" is not indicative of gender as there is no such thing as a "personal pronoun. " The "I pronoun" is not primarily focused in gender, but rather, whether they are formal or informal, who you are talking to, sometimes your age, and what mood and tone you are trying to convey. "Ore" isn't a suitable option for a "personal pronoun" in the first place as it is informal and comes off extremely rude in some situations, like a job interview, so it is likely that the ore user is going to be switching to something more polite. For example, Astolfo's pronoun of boku is not indicative of them being male as its primary focus is to represent humbleness; yes it is "primarily" used for boys, however it is also considered "cute" for young girls; basically what Astolfo's use of boku can tell us about Astolfo is that Astolfo wants to be perceived as humble, and has an element of childishness to them.

2 Within the fandom, there seems to be this urge to binarise pronouns to support certain arguments that certain characters are cis and that certain characters are trans, when in actuality, the Japanese language is already far more diverse and expresses far more freedom in it's way of expressing pronouns and gender. The absolute biggest misunderstanding comes with the use of "ore" and "atashi." Basically, people believe that anyone who uses these pronouns wants to be perceived as either hyper feminine or hyper masculine, and if someone uses one of these pronouns, they want to be perceived as either female or male. However, this is simply not what these pronouns indicate at all. While atashi is traditionally considered feminine, gay men have adopted the pronoun as a means of talking casually without presenting; the same goes for ore. While it is true it is tradionally masculine, these days, it has evolved more to present the image of being casual, as well as youth wanting to sound tough. While a woman may not usually use ore irl, it is also true that anime characters don't actually talk like real Japanese people, and female characters in anime using ore is an actual thing.

You will often see this double standard that people will say they support pronouns not being idictitive of gender in English, ie, a he/him lesbian, but then binarise the Japanese language in the sense that atashi means you present female, and ore means you present male, like NB and trans Japanese don't exist. If you were told only women use atashi and. Men ore no shade, I'm just letting you know it's more complex than that. You see this particularly with ore as it creates a "tough" image, and people believe women don't want to, or even can't, be seen as tough. If you believe someone can use he/him and be female, for the sake of respect to the Japanese language and the nb community, I ask you to do the same for men who atashi and women who use ore.

3. Grammatically, Japanese doesn't actually require the use of she/him when reffering to others. This is why you don't see characters reacting to being misgendered because, quite often they just aren't there in the original. Since they are in English, this results in the translators own perception of the character affecting how they identify in the story. There are so many instances of transphobia in fate, however, because the series is handled by so many different writers and it's hard to track down who is responsible for what, I really shouldn't have to explain to you why it is disrespectful for you to put the Japanese writers at fault for getting angry because a character is being misgendered when you're literally reading a fan translation and the pronouns just aren't there in the first place. Please stop calling out "transphobia" on the writers part because you saw Astolfo being called a he in a fan translation, or even in NA where different translators with different views have to add pronouns in. There's bigger issues of transphobia you can be focusing on rather than non-existent pronouns. The only real way you can be sure if a character is being misgendered is to check the original Japanese. But reminder certain characters using the wrong pronouns, ie, Ophelia using she/her for Caenis does not necessarily reflect the views of the writers.

Contrary to what people think, Fate does actually have a way of acknowledging certain characters as GNC. This method isn't perfect and has problems, but Astolfo, Enkidu, D'eon and Avenger Nobunaga are all canonically considered GNC with the genderless attributes in Fgo. To me this includes trans as historically D'eon is a trans woman and Nobu a trans man, but nonbinary readings of these characters are still absolutely fair, so some may disagree. If you don't consider Nobu a trans man and instead nb, you could argue that the reason Mordred isn't included because the series may have a predudice to trans men considering they want waifus and have made historical men women instead.

#Fate grand order #Fgo #Astolfo

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mmmmalo · 5 years

Note

Do you have any thoughts on the super popular headcanon transgirl John?

Been pretty resistant to it, since it doesn’t seem to mesh with the idea of John seeking to merge with the image of Dad, which I’ve read as alternately realized in John becoming the Dad of a family unit and in his gay thoughts (for his Dad or others). But the fact that ‘merging with an image’ is an impossibility that requires interpretation to be brought into reality means there are some exploitable cracks in that position, which I’ll try to outline.

An acquaintance of mine once suggested that John’s dabbling in ectobiology (in Mom’s lab robes no less) constitutes appropriation of the feminine – on the grounds that the scifi trope of penis (bearers) creating life without vagina (bearers) should be viewed not simply as an aspiration to a (gender neutral) God-like capacity for emanation, but as a jealousy of the opposite sex. This would be one approach to June – to read the fantasy of reproduction via busting-out-ghosts (ie manbro bukkake theater) as necessitating a desire to embody feminine characteristics, and to proceed from there.

But I’m also acutely aware that within the confines of heterosexuality, gay thoughts can entail positioning oneself as the opposite gender (in a “i would have to be a girl to like guys!” sort of way) – which is to say, John “i am not a homosexual” Egbert could potentially reconcile that statement with his attraction to men by identifying as a girl (even if that’s in tension with the identification with Dad that’s packaged with the attraction to men?) – but this is not necessarily the case, since depending on the configuration of John’s head, he could just as easily come to the realization that he does /not/ have to be a girl to like guys, and that his statement was a denial.

[Tangential: I read Nedry in Jurassic Park as being gay before (x) on the basis of his loading an embryo (amber mosquito) into a phallic symbol (shaving cream) and later being blinded by bukkake (poison spit), but for similar reasons as the above, I suppose trans woman is also a valid reading]

There’s also the matter of Nanna – that John’s birth entailed her mortal fall from the ladder could imply that John actually sees Nanna as the image from which he is descended (and thus seeks to return to), though this is in tension with moments that imply Dad is highest… likewise, since kernelsprites represent wishes, the existence of Nannasprite swings the pendulum towards identification with the feminine… while John’s association of clowns with Dad swings the pendulum right back again, perhaps suggesting Nannasprite as the reconciliation of the competing ideals. (Perhaps related to how Jane aspires to certain masculinized ideals while still viewing herself as a girl?)

More on that tension: on pages 48-50, John swings from vilifying the aromas of his nemesis Betty Crocker (Dad is actually the one who bakes, so the aromas are actually Fatherly?), to insulting Dad and the associated harlequins, to waxing romantic on transcendent Platonic Forms at the fireplace (above which sits the image of Nanna and her ashes). This is also the moment where John invokes pale fire snatching its light from the sun, which brings us to the Thief of Light.

It’s very interesting that Vriska interrupts a dream in which John nearly re-unites (ie merges) with (the image of) Dad. (And in the subsequent conversation no less, John reads Vriska’s elongation of his name as “June”) Could be related to John discussing how Dad is more of a half-brother than a father, while acknowledging Nanna as the true source? And thus the true target of aspiration.

Also interesting that Vriska acknowledges that John’s session is doomed to fail, in light of her seemingly representing John’s realization that he cannot (or does not want to?) become his father. Her insistence that he should try to win anyway (because winning is the only point of anything) also seems loaded in the context of the parallel discussion of ideals… likewise, John’s insistence that winning is still possible becomes an insistence that dreams CAN come true. Vriska manifests again as John muses on the desecration (and decaptation?) of his Con Air poster, upon which Nic Cage has become a sad clown… which relates to John’s ongoing disillusionment with Dad…? (Finding out that Dad was a boring businessman was a while ago though). Reminds me that the phrasing of ‘reunite with your loving wife and daughter’ can at once represent union with the masculine role of husband AND union with the feminine… so I’m lost again? Very possible that masculine/feminine is just an inadequate dichotomy, but let’s ignore that and press forward.

(I am skipping around re-evaluating the events surrounding conversations with Vriska at this point, since the circumstances of her intro seem to be a pivot)

…in John’s first conversation with Kanaya (after which Vriska manifests for the Remember Me date) is prompted by John preparing to send his gift to Jade, which I don’t know what to make of. However, the conversation dips into a discussion of Contact (need to watch), pivoting on the ambiguous reality of Jodie Foster’s vision of her Dad, which Matthew [horse-noises] has faith in – so we’ve returned to the topic of John musing on his own dreams of Dad, and everything that entails. That reminder is followed by perhaps the most damning exchange:

…which suggests that the applicability of John’s tangent is gender skepticism? But let’s return later to evaluate the resulting Vriska convo – I want to stay linear here. Vriska next manifests as John prepares to kiss Ghost Dad:

…after which Vriska mostly berates John for waiting around and not doing things when he’s supposed to, despite her being the very reason that he is forced to wait. This seems appropriate insofar as union with the Father also represents union with the divine will (in the Stoic sense), to which the Heir of Breath’s openness to suggestion is an end. So the confusion and frustration of Vriska’s orders constitutes an interruption of this fantasy of doing exactly what you’re supposed to do (ie what god/the player tells you to do), which is visually represented by Vriska preventing John from kissing Bill Cosby? I think… though since John’s present objective is to meet up with Nannasprite, I feel like the roles are blurring again… (even more so when Nanna reminds John that he is also sort of HER father)

John’s penchant for playing pranks on the bossy aliens who claim to rule him, submitting disingenuous words for them to repeat, is also a disruption of this supposed order… and/or John’s way of claiming the God-status for himself? Vriska makes the disruption of the way things are ‘supposed to be’ more explicit later when she berates John for initiating a conversation…

Anyway, the rest of this gets very rambly and speculative, so I’m placing it under the cut. Long, incoherent read.

The next “moment” that strikes me spans from 3386 to 3468, from John spotting the Hussie-Rufio kiss in the clouds to Vriska’s giant X-marks-the-spot. Crucially, these moments (emphasizing a father-son kiss and feminine anatomy) are bridged by Seek the Highbl00d – implying that that flash functions as an expression of John’s thoughts, just as Return to the Core was an expression of Jade’s thoughts. What follows is an attempt to make sense of the dream – I expect to fail in some capacity, but I will do my best.

3386: Hussie emphasize that Rufio saw Peter as a father-figure, so Hussie’s attempted revival involve bestowing the breath of life upon a son-figure. SMOOCH! (It bears repeating that the insertion of the divine breath into inert matter also has bearing as John’s self-conception as a video game avatar, animated by a divine will)

3393: The kiss appears in the clouds of Skaia above John, meaning that the thought of being kissed by his Dad is running though his head. He is transfixed by this image (for hours!)

3401: Since the instillation of breath into inert matter is often tinged with traces of necrophilia (corpsesmooch!) WV imbibing shaving cream “like the wind” seems like a euphoria tinged with sensuality, as though John leafing through his Dad’s wallet with a recently conferred sense of responsibility is akin to Terezi falling in red kool-aid (there’s no way he’s not getting off on this)

3410: WV compared buckling himself into the drivers seat to his (imminent) assumption of the title of mayor. The position of driver linked to a role of authority…

3414: …so as John takes off into the sky, we get another peak at the moment that Gamzee first declared himself God, to insinuate John similarly feels like he’s on top of the world. The SBaHJ complements this – John is riding his 4-wheel device into the sky (thus achieving unreal air) up to a cloud labeled clown (which is associated with fatherhood). John feels as though he’s achieved the ideal.

3419: The main takeaway from John’s conversation with Jade for me is that he is anxious about the idea of his Dad marrying Mom (jealousy?) and also anxious about idea of himself getting married… inclined to read this as John getting antsy about some of what (he believes) being an adult man necessarily entails, which here means getting wife. The comment about “a shipping grid made by an alien” strikes me as a tongue-in-cheek jab at heterosexuality as GOD’S PLAN, given John and Karkat’s previous conversation about Superman.

It’s also striking to me that the many of the cloud visions John describes were of Jade, if the idea that the clouds function as internal mirrors holds. I suppose the vision of Jade surrounded by frogs means he’s thinking of reproduction, even before he brings of romance… and Jade worrying about if the frogs are going in a cauldron is interesting, considering her infanticide motifs…anyway,

3420: John commented about discomfort at the Crosby tops blinking at the beginning of the Jade convo, and now that it’s staring me in the face I feel compelled to contend with it. I think… it’s sort of a call back to page 1, with John blinking and staring directly at the camera. The moment of locking eyes across the forth wall – the moment orders started entering the command prompt, the moment union with God (the player) started. I’m not sure if, looking at that blinking computer, John regards himself as the player or the played.

Anyway, Karkat has manifested, and he is terrified of Gamzee – John asks him what’s up, which in context of the above is a haunting echo of Gamzee’s first line, which then too functioned as a questioning of the nature of hierarchy. (“What /is/ up? What is authority? What is divinity?” - you have to read it literally) John makes WV stop honking the car in response to Karkat’s mortal terror of honking – not sure if this means John is the Gamzee figure, all the car beeps triumphant honks upon having ascended to the domineering position of godhood, or if John is Karkat here, experiencing terror of the various potentials of his ascension. Perhaps both, perhaps neither. Moving on…

3422: John contacts Karkat (again, reversing the way that trolling is “supposed” to work… I think John is the only kid to initiate contact pre-act 6?)… but otherwise I’m not getting a lot out of this conversation. The panel though, I will note, uses the arrangement of clouds from 4 panels prior to emphasize that John is heading towards and unseen castle. After the upcoming sequence, he will crash into a tree… suggesting that Seek the Highbl00d represents an end to whatever high John’s currently on?

3427: Karkat just took a fall down some stairs in response to the terror of a honk… which places him squarely on Earth instead of Heaven… (important only insofar as it establishes Gamzee as high and Karkat as low, for the purposes of this scene). Terezi manifests, poorly attempting to hide her excitement about murder (which makes sense, since murder!Gamzee originally manifested for Karkat?). This implies that Karkat’s own terror is accompanied by titillation… and retroactively means that John’s anxiety about sex masks an excitement that he regards as unbecoming?

Then Terezi honks – ostensibly, because Gamzee has claimed her glasses (leading Karkat/us to believe she has been killed). But the appearance that Terezi honked is perhaps equally important…? It’s as though the enthusiasm for murder which Gamzee presently embodies has possessed her, as she kissed Tavros’s corpse? (Worth noting that the depiction of her corpse-smooch directly preceded the Hussie-Rufio kiss, which John responds to by… getting in the car and honking a bunch, as he approaches the sky-image of a megalomaniacal Gamzee?)

3431: Things are getting weird now, and I’m starting to lose my grip on how this all relates to John. Quoth Equius, “Are you saying the highb100d has finally embraced his position atop the hierarchy” (in response to happy Gamzee murder times) – which in context suggests that this is well within what John considers the tyrannical rights of a father, somehow. Or of a God, I suppose – whatever you wanna call that-which-occupies-the-highest-rung….

Also, seeing as Karkat is manifesting for Equius, Karkat asking if Equius is still strong means Equius is questioning his own strength… why? The only context we get is that he is looking at Nepeta, and is somehow enmeshed in Egbert’s psychodrama…

CG: THE POINT IS, IF YOU SEE HIM, WOULD YOU MIND SNAPPING HIS STUPID WAND IN HALF OR SOMETHING? CG: AND THEN CHOKE HIM TO DEATH WITH HIS OWN SHITTY PRETENTIOUS SCARF.

Weird future-echoes of Equius’s death in Karkat’s words… the motif of Breath is definitely significant, seeing as the transmission of the animating breath of life is the key act of God here, and thus representative of total domination…? Whereas choking the breath out of someone would mean…?

I’m getting ahead of myself, perhaps.

CG: JUST DO WHAT I SAY, OK. CT: D –> I will 100k into it

An ominous note to end on, given that Equius’s willingness to combat orders from above is part of his conflict here.. but also, because of the motifs of self-alienation, orders from above /includes/ orders from within (ie urges)…? Or should I consider those at odds, in an id/super-ego kind of way? God I’m confused

3437: All I’ve gathered from Terezi’s proceedings here (which lead into Seek the Highbl00d) is that she is projecting all of her concepts of criminal debauchery onto Vriska – which you could compare to all the absurd clown theatrics that John used to project onto Dad, but there’s no particular reason to privilege that at the moment…

I will admit that John’s fear of disillusionment (of the collapse of the ideal, the fall from the Pleroma to Earth) is giving me some confirmation bias which may be clouding/guiding my appraisal of the proceedings. I will try to remain openminded.

3438 (Seek the Highbl00d): Oh boy here we go

This is… something? Cats are a child symbol, so to call someone feline-obsessed is to call them baby crazy (see: Roxy). Earlier, John was “joking” about a desire to sink the Mom-Dad ship – and later, Bec Noir’s murder of Mom and Dad realizes the fantasy (Noir’s bloody footprints lead Rose to John, further implicating him as source). If Equius and Nepeta are doing parodies of eachother’s masculinity/femininity here, only to be brutally killed, could this be regarded as precursor…? But the deaths themselves bear no resemblance at all…

I guess the idea of Dad having Equius’s attitude of being SO PROUD that his son has finally decided to kill him for supremacy is funny to me (even more so, but I’m not sure that it checks out…

…okay, when Nepeta is checking out her shipping wall she emphasizes the role reversal in Karkat Gamzee so I guess that’s our focus here?

…for Nepeta to enter the grate placed along the wall of ships makes it as though she entering the wall, the unreal place where all the possible union are true? Or that could just be where the grate is

…Kanaya sliced the left most transportalizer, which prevents her from being followed, but also from going back where she came from. Gamzee’s “miracles” imply a child-like state of blissful ignorance – the announcement of a miracle at this juncture, along with Nepeta travel in the direction that Kanaya has marked as impossible, make it seem as though Nepeta is going into the past…? So the horror of what Nepeta sees in the final grate should reflect a (possibly falsified) rendition of the past?

…likewise the arrow fired into the chessman’s eyes seems to suggest being blinded by the light (also the motif with Rose jabbing her ogre’s eyes out), hinting that some horrible truth lies ahead.

The truth being that, like Equius, John finds joy not in domination but submission? Or the reverse, if Gamzee is the figure of identification…? Or if this is truly a look into the past, this would be how John has come to regard his own relationship with Dad? As brutal subjugation, and forced deference? Which he has nonetheless come to fetishize (as per Equius’s ecstasy)? (If this were absolutely a memory, it would not be outlandish to accuse Dad of sexual abuse, given how Equius looks like he’s giving Gamzee head while he’s being choked, as though Equius were actually gagging on a dick. But for lack of any other instance of this coming up, it seems more likely to me that John has eroticized otherwise normal interactions with Dad?)

…but then what of the death of Nepeta? Is her failed attempt to avenge herself upon this past also a part of the dream? Does Gamzee scarring himself imply and integration of Equius’s knack for taking pleasure in pain?

3462: …or rather, Nepeta’s death marks the exact point that we exit the dream, the car’s beeps one again replacing Gamzee’s honks. So it’s as though she was John’s eyes, preparing to die a second death at the hands of the patriarch, and the result is an awakening, and fall back to Earth (crashing the car again).

3465: Oh goody, Vriska’s manifesting in response to all of this as John arrives at the castle. Please enlighten me Vriska, I’m dreadfully confused.

3466: Vriska telling John he looks great with his hood up reminds me of Vriska telling him how great he looks in her clothes, making me wonder if the windsock hoodie is being construed as long hair. In which case, as per Egbert’s weird gendering of hierarchy, it’s possible that his ultimate refusal to consider upending the total authority of (his image of) Dad comes with the feminization of himself…? Hence Vriska’s current interjection.

3467: …the doubt and regret surrounding Vriska’s lifetime of murder is loaded in a way I am utterly failing to parse. I don’t think Homestuck ever painted aggression as a ‘masculine virtue’ or whatever so there’s no reason to take John’s vocal horror at the bloodshed as a feminine thing.

3468: X marks the spot…. why here, though?

…Vriska seems to be making the connection between violence and sexuality, both noting that the game selects players on the cusp of sexual maturity and contending that if Karkat hadn’t done such a great job of brokering the peace between teams, perhaps more of them would have god tiered…

Her observation that the dead-girl (Aradia) had John’s same laptop is ominous for some reason. I know the kids have a paranoia that they are in the Matrix, and that if the die/wake up, they will suddenly be real – but stuff like this always makes me paranoid that someone is /actually/ secretly dead, like Aradia. Hate that feeling.

…more likely that John views himself as metaphorically dead, as a mere hollow vessel before the divine will, and thus feminized before God? But my ability to parse all of this deteriorated like 20 pages ago.

3475: involves Vriska and John musing how alike they are in emulating their ancestors, for anyone who wasn’t aware that was a Thing

…and we’re done. Well that was pointless. Let’s go to the point were dead!John and Vriska go on a date. Vriska opens up with a reminder that she made John change close, then mostly teases John about how she will kill him, as John intermittently brings up Little Monsters.

Did you know that in Little Monsters, the tire swing is used to represent a noose? It’s like when Vriska accused John of being obsessed with her as he attempted to prototype Grandpa’s blue beauties… the undertone was that he was obsessed with death (through the medium of the crypto corpses). Which is, more characterization of the dead/vessel as implicitly feminine or?

…I’m not learning a lot going through their d8 again, but I sure am getting sad.

…Yeah I’m getting nothing, psychology-wise. We’re done here.

#Anonymous #homestuck reread 3 #john #dad #vriska #equius

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