#but infinity calls and the universe is beautiful. but most of all i want to go home and be with mother again

[stargazingpsychotic]

My effort felt for nothing. The first person was difficult to talk to because I was being talked to by the others and grabby hands everywhere, the person felt like a machine and I got scared so hung up. Then, trying again, talked to someone who just didn't get my situation, or at least doesn't understand where I'm coming from and how serious it is to me. And so much for support with suicide, like I get I cannot kill my body, but I definitely was unlucky earlier when I failed in what I did, despite being so close to success.

[unbidden-yidden-deactivated20240]

I mentioned this in the tags of an earlier post, but I wanted to explain a bit more about the alienated, shattered, exiled, othered imagery of the Divine in Judaism, and how that image of the Divine speaks deeply to me as a queer, non-binary Jew.

The Shechinah, the Divine Presence, is described in feminine terms and She goes with the Jewish people into galus, exile, at the destruction of the Temple in Jerusalem. What does it mean, for us to imagine G-d as being in exile with us? It's a profound image. We are exiled from our land, from the Beis HaMikdash and the closeness to the Divine Presence that it allowed, yes. But we are not totally cut off; the grief we feel is shared by Hashem Herself as we build a sacred remnant together in the diaspora. What does it mean, for the Divine Presence to be in exile with us, instead of whole? What do we learn from the idea that the sacred feminine is broken, exiled, and alienated along with the rest of klal Yisrael from the masculine Malchus? What does it say that the world will only be perfected (takken olam) when Hashem is One and Ha-Shem is One?

There is another image of the Divine that I've described here before, the holy darkness. The sacred dark that was before the beginning, that begins our days with ma'ariv, and that teaches us the lessons of infinity as the backdrop of the universe. To me it is a beautiful image, this idea that we are all sheltering under the wings of the Shechinah - that our darkness is the protective dark of an embrace. That we are held in a sukkat shalom - a shelter of peace. Like our sukkot, this does not mean we are safe or protected from the elements, but more that our home - our true home - is under the stars, and that no matter what, we are not alone. This article had a lot more fascinating things to say about this as well.

And finally, this image of a hidden G-d, a G-d that weeps for our suffering in G-d's hidden place (mistarim), who speaks silently, in the still small voice within our hearts. There's a drash that I'm still trying to track down about this because it was from several years ago, but it was about this hidden place of Hashem that G-d retreats to in order to grieve the sorrows of the world and how, if we truly want to be close to G-d, we will sit silently in that hidden place alongside Him.

These images and metaphors for G-d are not what is typically imagined. Most concepts of G-d are majestic in scope and elevated in stature. They are filled with the piercing bright light of clarity and gilded with the gold of the Mishkan, the First Temple, and the Second Temple. But we live in a humbler time. Hashem is Avinu Malkeinu - our compassionate, forgiving Father and the Ruler of the Universe, but what does that divine concept do for us when we live in a broken and unredeemed world? How can that traditional understanding of G-d speak to us when we are calling out to G-d from the depths? And especially for those of us who are seen as broken, dwelling in darkness, often hiding our true selves, and exiled from where we belong, how much more powerful is an understanding of G-d that goes into that exile with us and holds us in our grief and hard-won joy, as we endure together?

[astrolocherry]

Birthday Jupiter in Pisces - I Dreamed this Genie...

written by #astrolocherry

Jupiter is the traditional ruler of Pisces, so we have a ceremony of traditions when this pair come together. There's no place Jupiter would rather be than reuniting with infinity in Pisces where everything is possible. Jupiter in Pisces is gifted a crown at birth which may be invisible but feels inexplicably substantial, both to the individual and all those in presence. Often a lover of stories, especially as a child, letting her imagination run with wild delight, envisioning herself as the heroine, knowing one day she would be just as loved. With such powerful archetypes combined, the individual is often an heiress of intuitive gifts and closely affiliated with otherworlds. And these very often extend into the physical realm as the sense of 'feeling lucky' ascribing a string of fortune. There can be the ability to spot an opportunity and arrive at exactly the right time. She seems to be very fortuitous in terms of chance encounters and striking gold. As if the Gods are conspiring to make all of her wishes come true, she seems to be following a secret script that directs her with pure divine intention.

Jupiter in Pisces visions are previews of the world that she can co-create with the universe. The spiritual sovereignty and karmic credit of Jupiter in Pisces provides a degree of astrological affluence. She can create wealth if she wants. It's part of her Priestess that demands the luxury and comforts she knows she is worth and deserves. But in many cases, the deep wisdom that accompanies these old archetypes knows how to experience and capture organic rapture, and so discards such desires. The beauty, love, connections, and the creative Pisces delicacies make her feel rich in a way that the outside world cannot comprehend. There's a deep hunger for meaning and the metaphysical that materialism cannot fill. Art, music, poetry, and scenes of natural life transfix her in their magnificence. Her most important gift is this capacity for comprehending what most other people miss.

She is a searcher and a seeress who is called to travel by faraway places and large bodies of water. In her younger years, many years are spent under the teachings and guidance of an assigned gurus and spiritual practitioners. When she truly comes into alignment with her higher self and regains self-control, she promotes herself to the roles she gave away to others. The way she is looking for has been her own all along.

Individuals with the Jupiter in Pisces placement may suffer from issues related to fluid retention, especially in the lower extremities, and those to do with anaemia or excess iron. The feet may be abnormally large or misshaped. Immoderation and overconsumption can produce health effects in regards to an accumulation of toxins. In some cases, these behaviours can be escape measures. Due to the Pisces sign's expelling of physical energy into metaphysical realms, the individual may tire easy, sleep long hours, and require long periods in a strange reclusive recovery.

Cherry

[precious-little-scoundrel]

How would the men of "Those Who Can" react

If they received flowers from their spouse for the first time?

How would they respond if they were called "beautiful," "gorgeous," "breathtaking," or even "ethereal" by their spouse, rather than being called "handsome" or "good-looking"?

What would their reaction be if they were complimented on the beauty, color, and softness of their skin and lips, or told that they have very beautiful and delicate-looking hands?

How would they react if their spouse told them they have mesmerizing eyes?

How would they feel if they realized that their spouse is obsessed with their buttocks, constantly slapping and pinching them?

How would they respond to being complimented on how muscular and strong their legs and back look, prompting them to start wearing shorts more often or simply walk around the house shirtless and in their underwear?

Lastly, how would they react if they wore something that compliments their physique and their spouse got all flirty and tactile with them?

Those men need to be appreciated! Thankfully their partners in crime love them to infinity and beyond!

Gosh I love these sorta asks, Nonnie, as I’ve said before they make me think harder on dynamics while also being so pretty and lovely and it’s just a grand time all around. Ok let’s do this.

18+ for typical universe warnings, Those Who Can. here in lies some sexual content and illusions to past Male S.A. read at your own discretion, as always .

💐 Receiving flowers:

Gale Cleven: oddly touched by it tbh, even if it was some rose Maureen snagged from a bouquet at a wedding and tucked behind his ear. He totally treasures it and presses it in one of his study books and no one finds it until his kids are cleaning out his shit and there it is.

Rosie Rosenthal: Ida buys this man flowers like he’s a Victorian maiden she’s trying to woo, full on sprays and bouquets, vases full of seasonal market bunches and pickings from her nephews and nieces. Insists his desk is bare and bachelorly without them, and she’s got a point because any time someone asks Robert Rosenthal Esq. what the flowers are for he always beams and informs them they’re from his wife who loves him. He blushed like a girl when she first gave them to him, and still buries his nose in them as she holds them before taking them from her. Every single time.

Jack Brady: chronic gardener and wildflower picker himself, it’s hard for Tilly to one up him but she’s determined, very proud to bring him the first few blossoming branches from their orchard. They are the sort to plant certain things and dedicate them to each other.

John Egan: don’t think poorly of Jo that she doesn’t give him flowers. But here’s the truth of it, his first and most prized blossoms he ever received were dandelions from his eldest baby girl when she could barely crawl and clutch at them in the park. Later it’s upgraded to flower crowns that both daughters craft intricately and with great pride for his curly head.

✨Being Called beautiful/ethereal:

Gale Cleven: Maureen never once called him handsome and he rolled with it, he is not preoccupied with it but he’d have to be dull not to be aware of the fact he attracts a certain kind of attention, different from the sort that a man like Bucky gets. Even before Maureen’s attention came, unwanted or wanted it’s always simply been a little different for him. So he’s not weirded out or bashful for the most part. But honestly? When he wakes up to find her staring at him like he’s heaven sent it makes him blush. and her juvenile delight at the fact their children have his features is gratifying in an awful way he barely can own up to

Robert Rosenthal: a gratified and stammering blush of a man. Ida hurls the compliment at him as if she’s got a grievance to level with him and she must kiss him as punishment and it makes him feel like her loverboy in the best way

Jack Brady: quite negatively initially. It was all very funny and well to be compared to Ida as a handsome girl, etc but after the camp it genuinely smacks of something sour to him and while he’d never admit that or ask for a change in his friend’s ribbing, as it’s not something a man owns up to, it still sits uneasily. But from Tilly? After years where she’s studied his soul and crafted children by her body with his eyes and her skin? Ah his wife can call him beautiful and he knows it’s an expression of admiration for more than his physical features

John Egan: Jo calls him that one night when she’s riding him and the lamp light really makes his sweat soaked skin glow a burnished bronze -he cums instantly tbh

Ok I’ll admit -third question I haven’t got anything I didn’t overstate above, lol so pardon the skipping.

👁️ Their Eyes:

Gale Cleven: honestly it gets to him so much, melts him, he’ll turn pink and those lashes will flutter overtime

Robert Rosenthal: widens them like a dork so she can get a better look, “these ones?” usually blames it on her non-existent drinks or the orgasms talking

Jack Brady: positively loves when Tilly traces them, is immensely proud that they’re notedly remarkable according to others, almost a family hallmark, that Bradys as a whole are recognized by them, his kids, Ida and Eugene…

John Egan: was informed of this while weedling his way into something with said eyes and immediately got a big blushy smile on and kissed the daylights outta Jo

🥞Slapping/pinching of the butt

Gale Cleven: long suffering endurance and an instant shame boner

Robert Rosenthal: flexes and asks if she knew he used to play football…yes Rosie, she knows and she likes it

Jack Brady: a scowl followed by a smirk that means absolute terror for the inflicter

John Egan: high pitched squeaks every time, desperately concerned about his balls as if they’re in danger???? is mostly ticklish more than scandalized, gives as good as he gets

👔Compliments on an appealing article of clothing that flatters them:

Gale Cleven: knows he looks good in what he chooses, but is rather conservative in it. Most of the time, but he is aware nothing tickles his vain little wife more than when he rocks up to her stuffy old money family reunions looking like a matinee idol, and he’s happy to play his part once a year: good god the swim trunks and slung towel around his neck with the beach hair and golden tan?! he knows he’s pretty arm candy and he expects payment from her for it afterwards

Rosie Rosenthal: short shorts king, hysterical he pulls them out for vacations and when kayaking or at the beach or hiking because tbh he’s a bit shit at relaxing but still, he’s very pretty like that and Ida always had an affinity for his thighs, ever since his skivvy story, tbh. he maybe wears them to mow the lawn more often than necessary.

Jack Brady: speaking of mowing lawns -all that gardening mentioned earlier? Yeah, sweat soaked white shirts and singlets and faded denim baby, he’s a dream in it and he can’t get over the fact Tilly restrains him in her kitchen often to copulate when he’s disgustingly sweaty and smelling of gasoline and fresh grass. (I trust you can see where she’s coming from with this??) but also!!! When he’s not gardening he’s the most homebody of all homebody’s and he loves a good book or an easy jam session with musical instruments. His go to cozy outfit is a sweater, tighty whitey underwear and socks. Those pretty, track hardened, lean legs going on for miles…the underwear usually gets soaked. Blame Tilly again.

John Egan: short shorts and open hula shirts. I don’t make the rules, and my god he looks good in them with his chest hair and man boobs out and about and those massive thighs. When he sees the affect this dad outfit has on his wife he becomes insufferabley committed to it.

[amplifyme]

In a rare fit of self-promotion, I'm going to post a few passages from a Beauty and the Beast 4th Season novel I wrote back in 2012. No apologies here. I think it's one of the best things I've ever written and it makes me sad that more people haven't read it. I guess that's the risk you take when you write fanfic for a very small subset of a now very small fandom. I won't give away any plot details because none are really necessary to read this. It's simply one of my favorite passages. But if you're at all intrigued...

@randomfoggytiger you're not allowed to read the entire novel - if you choose to - until you've made it through S3. No cheating!

The Possibility of Being - Book 5: Never Diminish

Vincent was at the table in Father's study, a book held open in his right hand. He was looking down at the words, but they might as well have been written in Aramaic, for all the sense he could make of them just now.

He'd come here with the unquestioned need to be in his father's presence. Not to talk, as he’d summarily explained upon arriving and had then apologized for, but simply because. Father had listened with attentive concern and then waved away his appeal for forgiveness, taking him at his word and resuming whatever chore the pile of papers on his desk required of him.

It was the quietest part of the afternoon and Vincent had taken the opportunity to reacquaint himself with the study in all its complexities and treasures; its odds and ends and how, by tenuous threads, he was connected to every one of them. He was certain he'd opened every book there at least once; had blown or brushed off dust from and examined every knick-knack, statue, tapestry, candelabra, instrument, picture, toy and tool there. And it had taken him the better part of his life to do it.

He found an odd reassurance in the thought. And poking around the chamber helped keep at bay his increasing awareness of a pull; a calling that urged him to a place he didn't want to go. That was half the time. The other half he found himself more than willing - simply wanting to be done with it. But not yet: he wasn't quite ready.

Cognizant of Father's occasional assessing glances as he'd moved about the chamber, Vincent sensed in him a patient waiting, and as such felt no urgent need to speak thoughts he couldn't yet form into words. If the words needed to be spoken, they'd come in their own time. Father had always allowed him sufficient room and time to think over matters weighing on his mind. It was a gift, one borne of unconditional acceptance and love. A vast and expansive thing, yet close enough to be felt as comforting, protective arms.

He'd wandered up to the balcony and poked through the dusty and precariously stacked piles of books there, pausing as his hand passed over and then grasped the book of poetry he now held. This is the one, he'd told himself, without checking the spine to be certain, and had carried it back down the spiral staircase and to the table, where he'd settled in and begun thumbing through the pages, looking for a section of a particular poem. Having found and read it twice, he'd drifted from the clarity of the written words to indistinct thoughts.

Apparently having decided enough time had passed without conversation, Father casually mentioned, "I took a small group of youngsters to the Mirror Pool last night. We had our first lesson in astronomy. The sky was particularly clear; there seemed to be no end to the number of stars to be seen. Remarkable, really. Did you happen to notice, Vincent?"

"No, Father," he admitted quietly. "I'm afraid I didn't."

"Well, there'll be other nights and other stars to gaze upon. Ursula asked me to elaborate on the meaning of infinity, of a universe that goes on forever. It seems she, and most of the children in fact, had difficulty grasping the concept. I'm afraid I didn't do a very good job of it: they seemed more confused than ever when I'd finished. How would you go about explaining it to children that age?"

Father was wearing his teacher's face, as if this were a quiz. Vincent found himself ill-prepared. Nevertheless, he closed the book over a thumb to mark his place and tried to give the question his full attention.

"I'm not certain I can conceive of it myself, let alone explain it to anyone else. It's easier to imagine, I think, of all things having an ending. That, at least, one can envision. Everyone has experienced endings… and beginnings, as well. But forever… endless…? That is something we must take on faith… and not always," he sighed, "as easily."

He raised his head to find Father's placid eyes on him, his chin cupped in a gloved hand.

"And where do you suppose that faith comes from, Vincent, hmm?"

"I'm not sure," he conceded. "I don't think I'm the best person to be asking – not now anyway."

Father thought that over for a minute and then tipped his head at the book. "What've you there?"

"Something that came to mind last evening," he answered, closing his eyes briefly to recapture the memory of waking already joined with Diana, and of the lines that'd served as his thoughts until he'd stopped thinking and had only felt. "I needed… to see the words."

"Will you share them with me?" Father inquired lightly, feigning idle curiosity that was anything but.

Vincent's initial thought was to decline. It felt like an invasion of the privacy he and Diana deserved, this request to know what he'd been thinking as they'd made love. But that was silly. Father couldn't know under what circumstances the lines had been recalled. He opened the book, found his place, and began to recite softly.

Extinguish my eyes, I'll go on seeing you. Seal my ears, I'll go on hearing you. And without feet I can make my way to you, without a mouth I can swear your name.

Break off my arms, I'll take hold of you with my heart as with a hand. Stop my heart, and my brain will start to beat. And if you consume my brain with fire,

I'll feel you burn in every drop of my blood.

"Ah, Love Poems to God," Father said after a medium silence, one just long enough to allow the words their full impact. "Well, there you have it, then: your answer."

He glanced over, puzzled, and found a contented smile on Father's face. Vincent's brow furrowed as he looked him a question.

"There is your forever, your endless," Father explained, again nodding at the book. "Do you feel those words, Vincent? Do they… resonate?"

"Very much so," he admitted.

"Then love is the infinity of which you claim you cannot conceive. And the very same which allows one the faith to believe in it. So, is it true… or don't you believe in love as something infinite?"

"Of course I do. It's what you've taught me from as far back as I can remember. And what I've learned through experience myself, over and again. 'My bounty is as boundless as the sea, my love as deep; the more I give to thee, the more I have, for both are infinite,'" he finished, quoting Shakespeare - a favorite of theirs and a touchstone.

"Just so," Father heartily agreed, "but I also think the line that directly precedes those should be included, as well: 'And yet I wish but for the thing I have.' Ah, yes, and isn't that what we do, Vincent, as the flawed human beings we are? We always wish for more, not stopping to realize what we have may already be everything. As if the eternal things can measured, like so much flour in one of William's bowls."

Vincent found himself remembering saying something similar to Stosh when they'd met in Diana's loft several weeks past. And he wondered now at how easily the words had left his mouth, without the least thought of whether he truly believed them or not. Had such things become rote, especially since Catherine's death; a declaration simply mimicked instead of being certain knowledge?

But, no, that wasn't so. He knew it to be true. And yet something about the thought nudged him at an angle he hadn't expected and gave rise to other less contemplated and incomplete notions. Finding them vaguely unsettling, he put the book aside and caught Father's eye.

"May I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"If given the chance… if you could have Margaret back, would you? If it meant giving up everything else: your life as it is now?"

Father sat back and cast an appraising, angled look his way. His cheeks puffed out and he expelled a breath through pursed lips.

"I dare not even hazard a guess at why you'd ask such a thing, Vincent." That came with an eyebrow lifted in invitation to relieve him of the task of having to speculate – which they both knew he would most certainly dare to do, despite his words to the contrary.

He hadn't told Father that he'd be returning to the prison he'd left only days ago. He'd told him very little and meant to keep it that way. Though he found the silence hard, he knew it was for the best.

Judging by how difficult Diana had found his predicament to comprehend, he feared Father's incredulity would be twice that. Vincent was also aware Diana would tell Father - if and when it became necessary, if he himself wasn't able to, for whatever reason. He readily admitted the evasion was cowardly and the height of selfishness, but he was in no state to do anything about it.

Eventually deciding he'd get no response to his invitation, Father began thinking about the question, his eyes focused upward as though his thoughts were balloons drifting about the ceiling of the chamber, and he need only pluck the right string to bring down the answer. Vincent sat patiently as he could considering that, within, he felt as though he were spinning like the animated Tasmanian Devil he and Jacob had watched on Diana's television early one Saturday morning.

"It's a difficult question," Father ultimately decided. "I loved Margaret dearly, you know that. We had such little time together, she and I; and what I grieve most I think, as I look back on my life. But had things not happened as they did," he said, his eyes sweeping the room, "just look at all I would never have had. My home… my community. My family. And you," he said, his eyes lighting on Vincent and holding there, "you, most of all.

"Would I have Margaret back at the cost of the life I've built here? No, I honestly don't think I would. Because you see, Vincent, the love we felt for each other, Margaret and I, is a part of me and always shall be. I need only close my eyes and think of her, and she is here with me. So in essence I never lost her and can lay claim to the best of both worlds. One needn't make a choice where there is none to be made."

"But what if…" Vincent paused, finding it difficult to ask what he wanted without further muddying the waters of the conversation and piquing Father's curiosity exponentially. "What if you could no longer feel the presence of her love? What then?"

"Then I should think I'm not looking in the right place or hard enough." He crooked an eyebrow, vaguely amused. "Or perhaps, conversely, looking too hard."

"What do you mean?"

Father’s features shifted to a familiar, professorial look.

"Vincent, it is only when we try to grasp and hold the larger mysteries of life that we lose our ability to comprehend them: love; compassion; hope; death. One cannot hold in a fist that which requires freedom in order to be understood. Some things do not call for our examination but only… only our faith."

"That's an odd thing for a man of science to say," he remarked. Meanwhile, he was recalling Narcissa's words to him the day before: Do you truly believe such a boundless thing can be grasped within a fist?

Father shrugged, his arms lifting high. "'I am large, I contain multitudes.'"

"You and Mr. Whitman."

"All of us, Vincent," Father rejoined warmly. "All of us."

[mysecretboringlife]

hi!

my name is Ainhoa, I'm a senior in highschool in Spain. Here, the last year of highschool is really hard in comparison to other years, bc of the pressure students are under and the amount of things you need to study. I just wanted some place to post whatever I want to try to romanticise it or just tu have it all in one place so I decided to open this account (where nobody I know irl will found me).

So here I am. I really like reading, so if you've decided to stay you'll find some updates about it. I don't really do reviews but if I really like a book I'll rant about it. My favourite genre is fantasy of fantasy-romance. My favourite books are the invisible life of Addie LaRue by V.E. Schwab, chain of gold by Cassandra Clare, these violent delights by Chloe Gong and the poppy war by R.F. Kuang.

I'm a marvel fan. I've seen every movie like 10 times and I love remembering the dialogues. My favourite movie is Avengers: infinity war and my favourite character are Ironman, Spiderman, Wanda and Moonknight.

I love the sea. I live two and a half hours by car from the sea, but I can't go often. I usually only go during the summer a few days. The rest of the summer I spend them in my grandparents swimming pool. My grandmother always tells me that in other life I must have been a fish (I bet I was a shark, I've always liked sharks). On my last bday, my parents gifted me a scuba diving course and I still have to go to finish my lessons at the beach. I'm so excited.

Next year I'm going to university. I want to study Biomedical Sciences, in my city the degree is called "Biomedicine and advanced treatments" and even though I'm the most indecisive person you'll ever meet, that degree is the only thing I want to do. There is no plan b, I don't want any other thing. I want to study the human body and how does it work, I want to understand sickness and find ways to solve it. I want to become a scientist and discover some cure to whatever sickness I'm studying.

I am curious and love to understand how things work. I think is extremely interesting to know why do things work the way the work, because if you search deep enough there is an answer. I love to see the world in a way not many people do. There is no color green, just the light reflecting in a different way than red. I love to focus in little details. There is a small flower growing on the little crack on the pavement. My body and my cells are giving their life for me, my heart is pumping. The more you know the more beautiful it gets. I love learning bc of this.

if you've come this far, thank you! I hope you've enjoyed my rant and see you on the next post

[seasideretreat]

The world

When we occupy ourselves with the essence of the world, something dawns on us that may or may not be totally apparent. The world is insane. Still, we may say that the world obeys its own inner logic, and this means that we can see the world as a transcendental place of meditation and valour. What we know, is that the world can be understood through logical reasoning, and this makes us ponder the world in ever greater and greater depth. The things that occupy our direct attention are lurid and weird in the last analysis, but something may happen that constricts us in the most cosmological way, and this gives us an immediate attention to the little things that corresponds to true knowledge and intrepid focus. All these things are knoweable.

John McDowell speaks of a "bald naturalism" that permeates the history of philosophy. It is truly a tremendous thing, that makes us wonder about the meaning of life. It seems there is a God in heaven that told us what to do and how to live; but in the world of bald naturalism, this God has no say, there is not any true movement in the entirety of the world. We might call this the ontological disputation. Ontic essences are absolute and may be seen in the light of veiled discernments or sense-data, but the essence of the world remains obscure to the vehement elements of discernment-in-thought. When we live in ordinary ways, bad things happen to us, or our life is not beautiful. The things we do are limited by being arcane or weird, but the assertion of real things happens in the constancy of the universe, and this shows people what the truth might be, in the last analysis. A world consists of subject and object, and when we engage in proper thought, the little things become apparent. But a truly holy or miraculous order has yet to be discerned. It seems God is outside of the things, but the better things, or quintessential things, can be found only the real truth, which is just the analysis and synthesis of proper articulations of the higher order of beings.

The view of normal science is that there is no higher being, no difference between God and man, or nature and the symbolic realm of things that determine the existence of life here. We can posit a force that permeates the whole of reality, but that is not going to explain anything: we just have to look at the world the way it is, and there is no escape from the drudgery of life and the mundanity of everyday phenomena. Nevertheless, we can see there is a level of reality in which things happen, a soul world so to speak, or perhaps a spirit realm, that makes us needful of reanalyzing the known concepts of the world, and to reconsider the validity of the values that science relies on. I am not saying that there is magic, or that supernatural things will happen, I am only saying that we can be fascinated beyond the ordinary by thoughts and humanities in the vast infinity of the world in a way that prompts us to speak of a greater calling or vocation for thinking to happen. I personally do not find this present in stuff like process philosophy, and it is also mostly lacking in Heidegger's work, although both these schools presumebly have their own peculiar charm: I do find it in the work of great thinkers in general, although I find it hard to point at a particular person. Philosophy means something, and I believe philosophy can help discover a meaning to life, even if rational thought can never provide such a meaning. Verily, it seems that if we want rational meaning - in this world - we'll have to look at religions. Religions all provide, to some extent or other, a mystique that fills us with the proper need for real gratification, and that allows us to ponder existence in a very real and meaningful way; and to feel like the world makes sense. Philosophy, because it is so logical, cannot do this: it will always stumble and find itself at a loss for words - after all, our preference for philosophy over religion is a wholly personal choice.

[briskofmisery]

I KNOW IT WON'T WORK

TW: Death, cancer, anxiety

"I'd stand in the shadows of your heart and tell you I'm not afraid of your dark.” — A.J. Daniels

Death is a double-edged sword. There are moments when it can feel as if the weight has been lifted from your chest, freeing you so you don’t have to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. Yet, there are other times it seems like the world is crumbling beneath your very feet. I always knew that this dance of death was inevitable, like closing the chapter in a book that had been perused and revisited countless times. Sickness does that to the people you love most. I just never thought I would lose her, too.

Facing the inevitability that I would bring her pain was a tough pill to swallow. Perhaps it was the grace of nature's autumnal pull that killed us, too – either way, call it ill-fated timing. I harbored a fantasy that in several years, my mother would still be alive, Jere and I would become inseparable, and Belly and I would be together – happy, even. Deep down, I think I always knew I’d fuck it all up somehow. I hid behind a mask of civility, keeping secrets like hidden gems. Every smile I wore, every word I spoke, they were all carefully crafted layers that shielded people from the ugliest parts of me. The reality was never supposed to be simple; accepting my mother’s gradual decline during my freshman year at Brown University was never meant to be easy. It was all a lie; A mirage.

It had been one month since Belly’s junior prom – one month since I broke her heart. My mom was dying, and as her life slipped away, so did her breath, her vitality, and her very essence. I never intended to leave Belly in tears at her prom; a night that every child dreams about, a night meant to be special. She looked so beautiful, like a princess captured from the pages of a fairytale. I didn’t want to leave her like this, in ruins. When I tried to plead with her and tell her that I loved her, I knew she wouldn’t want to hear it. Yet when she responded, her voice a river of tears, "You're the one leaving it like this," I knew I had to let this burn. I had to let her go, even if it meant she’d hate me, just for a little while.

I had fallen in love with a girl, who I had known my entire life. She became my favorite person. Her tear-stained gaze bore into me, like a torrential rain, each droplet carrying the weight of a thousand unspoken words. Throughout last autumn and into winter, I called Belly every day, as if to hear her heartbeat while being physically apart. It was like being able to talk to her, listen to her heartbeat, and not be near her. It physically hurt every fiber of my being not being able to tell her how much I loved her. I came home sometime near Halloween, because I missed Mom, and it hurt too much to be with Belly and not be with her. A part of me believed telling Jeremiah the truth was the right thing to do, like a candle flickering with the hope of illuminating shadows. “It hurts, like, my chest physically hurts to not be able to tell her that I’m in love with her,” I confessed to Jeremiah quietly – a vulnerability I hadn’t embraced in a long time. I felt this electricity whenever I heard her speak, as I listened to her words like the sound of her voice was my favorite song.

When she gave me the infinity necklace back, she glanced at me, her eyes red and puffy with hurt. Raindrops mingled with my emotions, sliding down my face. Just as the sun, moon, and stars collide in an eternal cosmic dance that goes on forever, I wanted us to be infinite. Being with her meant everything, but my mother’s gradual decline overtook my body and soul. She was fading away, losing face, and it broke me.

Watching Belly walk away from me, seeking comfort in Steven’s embrace ruined me completely. Drenched in the pouring rain, a cold cascade of reality washed over me, and at that moment, I knew I didn’t deserve her. I knew she deserved someone who could be there for her through thick and thin, someone unafraid of sharing truths. Instead, the pain of this cosmic fracture and disillusionment tore through me like descending through the night sky. It felt final.

My mother died sometime before dawn. I remember because when I woke up that morning, it was still dark outside, and I had just returned home to Boston. I was in my childhood bedroom, reliving the prom over and over again in my mind — Like a haunting refrain, delayed anguish. I merely heard silence, broken only by sporadic sounds from a distant bedroom, and a hushed sob that made me sit up. It was Jeremiah.

I don’t remember much after that, just that when I went to go check on Mom, she wasn’t breathing — her heartbeat faltered, her countenance serene yet lifeless, her lips their rosy hue to a subdued purple.

The weight of losing my mother proved heavier than I ever thought possible. Life blended with pain and regret, a recipe for self-destruction. The sounds of birds chirping and rounding out unchained melodies became a thing of the broken, almost distinct past of heartbreak and hurt in May.

The funeral stretched on, and I felt like an outsider in my own skin. Someone sang a hymn I never heard of, and my dad said a few words, void of genuine love and devotion, seemingly falling flat. I watched as my brother and Belly wept in the church pews, their quiet sobs echoing in the four enclosed walls. Back at the house, a sense of brokenness consumed me – my heart raced, and intermittent breaths whispered like wind rustling through the leaves. My mother’s death hit me like a tidal wave, leaving me gasping for breath in its wake. I wanted to say something, but words remained elusive. Then Aubrey appeared in the hallway, seeking a bathroom of all things. A wince escaped me; the sight of her tightened my chest, and my heart clenched, especially when hearing the muffled voices downstairs. I curled into Aubrey’s lap like a child after a haunting nightmare. I wanted to cry, but no tears came out, and I didn’t want to hurt in front of Aubrey. I crumbled; it felt as if I couldn’t breathe, and I couldn’t help but wish someone else had found me at that moment. I couldn’t let myself embrace the reality I was living in. I wanted my mother to tell me that everything would be okay. Footsteps ascended the stairs, their creaking echoing like walking on eggshells. It was Belly, who swallowed hard when she saw us together; her gaze mixed with surprise and betrayal.

She froze at that moment, rushing downstairs before I hurried after Belly. And then she said something that she knew would hurt me; or rather, something she knew would hurt us, “Go to hell.”

I stared at her, my gaze steady yet pained. I could tell she was in pain after my mother died, but I was, too.

So I said something that I knew would hurt her back. “I should’ve known you’d be like this. I knew it was a bad idea, starting something with you.”

In that instance, everything felt indescribably wrong. The weight in my chest engulfed me like a distorted illusion, like a labyrinth of shadows weaving through my mind. As Belly stumbled over a carpet and rushed out the front door, I remained in the hall, looking around at the guests – some of whom I didn’t recognize at all, others whose faces were familiar but no names came to mind. Laurel looked at me then, an embarrassed look on her face, not for me, but for Belly. I turned to run after Belly, regretting my words. But I didn’t. Instead, I lifted my gaze to find Aubrey at the top of the stairs, her widened eyes locking with mine.

For as long as I could remember, it had always been Belly Conklin: the girl I kissed on the beach last summer, the girl I tutored in trigonometry in autumn, the girl who ran through winter's snowy beach in Cousins in December with me. The girl I loved.

As I stood there, I realized how screwed up everything had become. My mother was gone, and Belly and I had made a scene at her funeral, in front of an entire party. My face felt taut; I wanted to fall apart at the seams right there. Didn’t Belly understand how much I cared about her? From the moment we kissed on the beach, I thought she knew. I thought I had ignited a flame. Aubrey was just one who found me, but I really wished it was Belly. I wanted our love to burn forever.

[rec4]

Infinitesimal or Infinity?

I want you to think about these two things that I am about to tell you guys. First, consider that a man is standing away from the post with a distance of 1 unit (whatever unit meters, km, or even lightyears, it's your call). The man's goal is to reach the post in a very unique way through walking. The man reached half of the total distance and then he stopped. After a second, the man walked again reaching half of the first distance he traveled (it is just half of the half or 1/4), then he stopped again. After a second, he walked again and reached half of the distance that he traveled before this (it is just half of the 1/4 or 1/8). The man repeats the pattern, and the question is did the man reach the pose? Second, what is 1+2=? obviously, it is 3. What is 3+4? well, it is 7. And 5+6=11, 6+7=13, 7+8=15 (what I mean is this, 1+2+3+4+5+6+7+8+9+10+.......). Repeating this pattern until we are adding to a very huge number or just the infinity (∞+∞). Writing this in a Mathematical way we have, ∑n, from n=1 to ∞. The question for this second scenario is what will be the total of this?

To answer these kinds of problems, Mathematics is the only tool that can help us. Mathematics is not just a number, but it is a beautiful language that models almost everything in our universe. From the smallest and tiniest atoms to the largest galaxies and stars can explain by the use of Mathematics. It is indeed that Mathematics is the language of the Universe. These are just a few examples of the applications of Mathematics. For me, Math is the most beautiful thing ever created by human intelligence. The first scenario is what we called "Zeno's Paradox". The answer to this problem is, the man can not reach the post. You ask why? Well, the man will take forever on getting the halves of the distances that he traveled. Multiplying 1/8 by 1/2 gives you 1/16. And 1/16 times 1/2 gives you 1/32. The denominator will approach infinity, while the numerator will remain at 1. And 1/∞ gives you a very small number that is almost 0 but not totally 0. This introduces the concept of infinitesimal (an indefinitely small quantity; a value approaching zero). For the second problem, you might answer that the total is just a very huge number ∞. Your answer is......WRONG. The total of 1+2+3+4+5+6+7+8+9+10+11+12+13+14+......+..... and so on, is -1/12. Adding all of the Natural Number, at first we know that it is infinity but Ramanujan proved this (hindi parin talaga ako naniniwala na -1/12 ang total haha). Ramanujan's Summation is very intriguing.

By these, I am so in love with mathematics. Doing Mathematics makes my heart complete and makes me happy. Doing what makes you happy is one of the most precious treasures a person could ever do. Being happy and contended in life is my most priority. Working with a fine salary which is good enough to buy a burger is there. I will be infinitesimal in doing math, and infinity of Happiness. Now you see what is the reason why I choose STEM.

[fireflydreamswithadragonflypulse]

I don’t even know where to start, that’s probably why I’m typing this a day early. Tomorrow, she’s been mine for a whole year…my girlfriend, then my fiancee, but always my whole entire heart, my everything. This woman has completely turned my world upside down, in the most amazing ways. I was fine with settling, convinced that I didn’t deserve more, but throughout this entire year, she’s made me realize that I do deserve love, and she’s done it in the most patient, sweet ways. I was convinced I was damaged goods, that no one would want me or see me for who I really am, until her. She makes me feel like I’m not damaged…that I’m worthy. Of life, of love, of happiness. Of her. Isn’t that fucking crazy? She’s so fucking beautiful, incredibly sexy, the most caring and kind soul I’ve ever met, her sense of humor is out of this world (in the best ways possible), gives the absolute best cuddles, makes me feel safe and protected in every situation, and is just the most amazing soul in the universe…how in the world did I manage to score her? I still have no idea, a year later. I still won’t have any idea when we’re 87, sitting on our front porch in our rocking chairs, holding hands. But I do know that I don’t take a second of it for granted, and the rest of our lifetime together will be nothing short of full of love and happiness, without a second being taken advantage. I don’t second guess things at all, same as a year ago. I fall asleep with her on my phone and in my head, and I dream of her nightly, so I wake up happy, to her beautiful face every morning. Just like a year ago, I still can’t stop thinking about her, wanting her, needing her, caring for her, and loving her. And I’m so honored that I still get the chance to do that. I still get to call her mine, forever.

I love you Kristen…more than I could ever put into words. Like…

-honey bunches of infinity

-a whole bunch of bunches

-an infinite amount of a lots

-a million times over

-to the moon, around the sun and back again…plus a shin. 🥰🥰🥰👽♾️

[the-flower-babe-vash]

my first love

i think i should write this now. I thought i would write this down when i felt like it was the right time but maybe i should even though i don’t think it is. My first love was a boy, a very sweet boy even though i didn’t know him very well. I didn’t grow up with him nor was i his girlfriend at any point in time. Yet it’s so weird how i knew we had a connection. “Something like infinity”, I’d often like to say. Now i can’t help but feel he’s there now, in infinity, somewhere past the stars and in some corner of the universe, he’s there waiting for me. And not just me but his family too and everyone that he loved up until he died.

I’d talk about the beginning, of how we met and how he practically saved me. But I’m not going to because it was more of the middle of the story rather than the beginning or even the end. I’d never thought I’d feel the way I felt for him because i wouldn’t call it love. But I want to believe that what I felt, is something that doesn’t exist yet. The feeling was so beautiful, so heavenly. It almost felt like him and I were connected, like our souls were connected. Not like Ying or yang where one completes the other but more of, we were the same. Like that Greek story of how humans were created with two of everything, but they were separated and were bound to find the other. We weren’t soulmates, we weren’t friends, or lovers.... we just were. We existed, two completely different people who felt the same way.

I used to think eventually he’d find his way back to me, like when we were older and understood what was important. i used to think he and I were created at the right time, destined to meet. And I still believe that in every alternate reality, I meet him in every single one. I want to believe that our souls were tied together, and the worst part is, I think he knew that too. But i’ll never know because i never asked and he’s gone now. 

I don’t feel the pain of his absence as much as his family or his loved ones, but I feel it regardless. As a raging atheist, the idea of the existence of a God doesn’t sit right with me. To think that everything happens for a reason, that we are here for a reason. This isn’t me being cynical, it’s me trying to be logical. I think we are here simply because everything adapted and evolved. There is not a bigger meaning. And I think death scares most of us. It scares me. It took him away. His existence gone, just like that. I didn’t care whether there was something after death, i was ok with it being nothing. But I want to think.... to believe so hard that there is. And then maybe then I can see him again and be with him forever. To be in a place where I wouldn’t be scared that he’d leave. 

He brought much comfort to me, just knowing he was somewhere and I’d always remember thinking how someone so perfectly ordinary could make me feel like life is worth living for. It was a feeling that lived in my heart, but all that it’s doing  now is burning. I think that he’s out there, i really do. I think that he’s there and I’m going to see him again when I die. He’ll give me the same dashing smile and i’ll give him the red rubber tape that he gave me and i’ll tell him everything i didn’t get to. I’ll tell him that i loved him, every day up until the very second he took his last breath. i’ll tell him that he meant so much to me. 

I will love him forever and it’s a tragic thing to love someone as much as i loved him. I will think of him until the very day i die. And when i go, i know i’ll see him again, be it on a moonlit night or a flower field. I’ll tell him that i knew he was sitting among the stars waiting. Or maybe he turned into star dust. It’s scary because i’ll never know. I love him so much. And he died and I loved him so much. I hope that he waits for me because if i am to be turned into star dust, i think it’ll be ok, because i’ll be with him forever.

[iqsitespeed]

Quantum of solace pc review

Again, none of it is bad, but the mechanics just aren't compelling. There's the balancing act where players need to keep a wavering dot in the center of the screen with the left analog stick, there's a hacking mini-game where you'll need to match directional button presses in a kind of Simon Says variant, and then there are the quicktime melee events which get stale after a few uses. Every other mechanic just falls a little bit short. You can tell that the developers really wanted to make this game different than COD4, but that doesn't stop the roots of Infinity Ward's from being the silver lining in the package. They're all a little predictable – there's the requisite speeding train and museum levels – but at least you're not running down the same hallways over and over. Also trying to keep the action fresh are the levels which stay varied throughout. When the game tries it does do a good job of delivering intensity and flare but those moments are spaced a bit too far apart. Luckily there are moments when things aren't so mundane. That's fine if things are bright and flashy with lots of blood and guts, but when you're fighting a bunch of henchmen things can feel a little tired. Instead there are too many situations relegated to standard stop and pop gameplay.

That means that the free-flowing way of dispatching enemies from several different angles as was available in COD4 is no longer available. Another problem with the cover system is that the levels are built around the mechanic. It wasn't a massive annoyance, but the few deaths that I was able to chalk up to the faulty cover were a nuisance. Only to find out that I was perfectly aligned and it was the cover system screwing me up. There were times when I felt like I should be able to crouch behind something in front of me and I couldn't. The cover system is better than some (Kane & Lynch) but not as functional as others. It works similarly to what we've seen from the likes of Gears of War and others.Ĭlick+above+to+watch+the+Video+Review+for+Quantum+of+Solace+(HD+Available).īasically any surface can be stuck to by pressing A and you can even dash into a piece of cover by holding the button. Treyarch, figuring that they had a star that most would want to look at, decided to implement a cover system into the standard first-person shooter gameplay of QoS. The biggest deviation from the COD4 gameplay formula is actually one of the few moments when you'll be removed from Daniel Craig's point of view. As you'd expect, Quantum of Solace is played almost entirely from a first-person perspective. They're not bad additions, they just don't meld or work especially well with the rest of the game and therefore come off feeling very forced and artificial. It's just a bummer that roughly everything that was added in an effort to keep the game feeling fresh isn't done all that well. It takes the Call of Duty 4 engine and wraps it around the James Bond universe with a few new trimmings to try and keep the action feeling as fresh as possible. Of course, with every movie comes a game of the same name and Quantum of Solace is no different. Put a beautiful beau in a hot sports car, toss in a gorgeous babe for him to boink and then prop up a bunch of would-be henchman to stand in between our hero and his goal and you have the recipe for just about every Bond film in history.

[whitefluffybearcub]

9/1/2022

— there is no disorder but you can perceive it to be. All is designated and meant to be. Bad happens because the energy is trying to rebalance itself via karma and experiences.

The ones who are caught in different dimensions, splitting of the energy in which they are all experiencing different realms in one experience. From a simple eye, it can seem like a disorder.

— ego does not differentiate status. As long as you want a lesson from ego, it would give it to you, though in different ways for everyone.

— it is important to be at peace with yourself and everything else. It is one way to be truly happy if it is in the cards for you. The valuable and heartfelt lesson.

9/3/2022

The heat that makes sweats or the cold that gives shivers, whether mother-nature’s calling or so called man made, it is all a fated destiny. Try your best to enjoy it. Make the best out of it.

I choose to see everything as beautiful because it is simply part of this journey to experience. It is just a ride.

— the universe makes you sweat and it is also helping you get rid of things it wants you to shed. Replenish yourself with love, the good, and kindness. Embrace it wherever it leads you.

Experience of Summer 9/2022.

— excessively deprived and excessively of anything, is a recipe for a difficult lesson.

But the remedy, if one realizes, is balance.

— there are human beings who would follow greed and ego in a form of a trend, without any logic and rationality.

While themselves are having an experience, they also serve as a purpose for all others to see, how low energy would attract more low energy.

— reminder: a book is already written, a human is reading it page by page while experiencing it in a simulated manner.

Some think many can predict the future but they really just have the ability to read ahead of the book.

There is an infinity of books to experience thru at all sort of frequency.

9/4/2022

High vibration and low vibration is heaven and hell on earth. Each human’s experience is different yet all happening simultaneously at the same time.

What you make of this experience is what is meant to be for you.

— karmic debts come from spirits’ willingness to help others to achieve an experience, to play out a story line. There has to be villains so duality can be achieved. Of course later or rather at a different place, whether human eyes see or not, they would need to rebalance that energy.

But be reminded that even behind whatever the bad characters the spirits have to play in this story, it is still ultimately powered by love.

Hard to believe but one day you would see when you are ready.

— they who are keeping up an insidious secret inside for a long long time, is to experience carrying an very low energy in this reality. It would weigh them down and never to elevate, at least for their designated journeys.

— everything, in the names of social phenomenon, social media, mass hysteria, is a fated experiment in this reality.

What is perceived would be able to influence greatly.

— there is a space within us that is truly sacred yet most of the humans choose to exploit that.

It is part of the learning journey.

— humans all want that massive fame and fortune yet no one is truly happy while chasing and obtaining it.

9/5/2022

I have wondered, as a human, why this man stays hardened and vicious for all of his life. Why he never learned.

But there is a journey in which he serves as an example of what is not love. People around him would learn through this contrast and they would pick a different route.

That is why.

— the experts who tell you to follow the science, are the ones who are really following greed and money behind the scene. Only if one can see the whole picture. Temptations for big money, ego, greed can corruption a weak heart.

It is a karmic compartmentalized journey anyway.

— as in this human reality, people tend to fall into a vicious cycle of materialism and consumerism. Do you not realize chasing it obsessively would eventually tire your spirit and body.

Everything is connected. Ego is behind everything and is not to elevate your spirit.

— when big big money is involved, it often times corrupts and overshadows anything genuine, including essentials to be truly happy, love and kindness.

— funny how the self proclaimed pure minimalists also want to be a superstar on YouTube. And that is just one among all walks of life.

Don’t you see everything on there is just a show, an act, a self willing sales pitch, an exploitation of self or others, all for money and ego . See it as long as it is fun but don’t get too obsessed with anything that is not genuine.

— the hand, the chess pieces, the willing audiences, all are experiencing this reality via its own perception. It is ultimately just like a virtual game with many many players through different characters.

Each comes with its own struggles for learning, purpose for servIng others, and journey to rebalance its own karmic energy.

Really it is simple as that thru all infinite ways and dimensions.

9/6/2022

In the water one sees the light, one knows to elevate so he can breathe but he wouldn’t give up the gold that he has pocketed. In this reality he would drown with the gold. In a different reality, he would elevate and leave the gold in the water.

Both experiences would teach the soul from different perspective via different ways, it just is so.

— find harmony, balance, and healing in every step.

Love, kindness, patience, calm, and rationality would always be the remedy in this place.

It is all meant to be. Make the best out of everything .

— each person in this reality, can use religions and beliefs to either elevate or imprison themselves. In fact, everything in this place can either be a stepping stone for something greater or it can be a rock weighing you into rock bottom.

— people who would thoughtlessly judge others because they are not used to seeing life in a different way, are experiencing thru a lesson of ego. They shall learn from this.

— if you could see the whole picture of this reality, some of you would think there is no point in anything.

Most of you are not meant to see this reality in this manner. It is designed that you not see a certain things coming to you. If you are meant to go further, you would be pushed and guided.

Sending you love always.

— the so called retail therapy is kind of ironic because shopping can become an addiction and there is no long term therapeutic energy in this.

— profound changes come from changing at its core, truly for better. There are changes that only appear to be significant but really it is just superficial.

Look and feel intently and mindfully. You shall see.

It is a part of the lessons anyway.

— human feelings indeed change as one evolves. It is meant to be for the next step.

9/7/2022

Sending much love to Mother Nature and the earth. She will re-balance her energy as she sees fit.

The relationship between Humans and earth is also karmic, not just as a collective but also individual.

— everything and everyone must go through its designated karmic journeys to learn, to understand, to feel, and to heal eventually.

Send love but let it be as it is meant to be.

— the same energy would always expose itself by the same imprints and expressions. It is a designated way that it comes into the sun away from the dark corners.

9/10/2022

In a lower frequency of realities, no matter which characters you play, you are bound to learn a lesson of limitations. And that wanting full control is also a lesson of ego.

You who have sought the lessons, should learn from it. And you will when you understand this.

— in this reality, the bigger voice it has become, the more money it wants to make, the more audiences they have to put a show for, the more ego it wants,

There is usually somewhat deceit around all of this.

Be mindful.

— reminder: where there is deceit, there is truth. Both would have to surface at its own destined timings.

Karmic reality we live in.

— before evil knows it is time to die from one dimension, it would kick, would cry, would throw everything around creating chaos. That part is also a designated for the path of evil. Evil itself is also playing a character in this simulation game.

That is a sign renewal process has started.

Nothing lasts forever. Evil dies but its energy does not, it only transforms into other experiences, some may even become healers to balance that energy.

— In this reality, it is the small everyday encounters and individual small things that are more meaningful. Ironically and Often times the big and gigantic branded things become matter less as one continues on in their journey.

— if you are holding negative thoughts towards someone, you are also hurting them energetically. The truth is most of the negative people have had a difficult life or a difficult start and often times it isn’t seen by the most.

Be merciful. Let go of the negative. You are also being merciful towards yourself.

— sometimes pain and hurt is necessary so the one who is meant to heal it can turn it around. It is a “meant to be” journey. All of it.

— many spirits and energy who have departed from this reality but did come back, often times for one reason, unconditional love for someone else.

The ones who do leave at their designated timing is also meant to leave and transform.

A human stays in a human reality is because they still serve a purpose. When they fulfill their purpose, regardless of how it appears in the human reality, they leave to explore what is beyond human frequency.

9/11/2022

— I chose to operate at the frequency of unconditional love always and forever.

— unconditional love would provide tolerance yet self respect and self love, all in harmonious balance.

— it would be a lesson to understand and realize. Do realize that whatever you are obsessed over about, and not in the good way. You have willingly let that negative energy overtake and consume you but know that this can also possibly be changed in a instant.

— wisdom is knowing that there are limitations, things human can’t comprehend and it is not possible to know it all in this human dimension. Ego is wanting to know it all, control it all, be the supreme of it all, in an impossible manner within this reality.

It is a lesson anyway.

— each person’s journey in this reality has to pace to their own liking. You can’t force someone else to evolve spiritually nor can you hold it back. The knowledge would come to their hearts at the right divine timing. Each journey is different.

9/12/2022

In the human reality, people see only the egotistical statuses and labels. But energetically it is the vibration that attract the alike.

A so called human leader who operates at a very low vibrational state (which they mostly do) would be with the followers who operate at the same level. It is how this simulation work.

Their karmic wheel may go on forever in the infinity but each time it gains a new experience, if that’s what they choose to do at the soul level.

What a game, isn’t it?

— all things mainstream which include hypes, worships, debates, wars, fights and others, which are very very mostly based on deceit and manipulation. Its creators, enforcers, doers, fighters, followers all operate at the same very low vibration and all come together to form this karmic experience.

It has to be this way because all is destined and designated.

Their karmic wheel may go on for all eternity, one may be on top now, one may be in the low in a different experience. Same vibration but in different characters via different dimensions.

Some is designated to elevate in the midst of it and would eventually leave this narrative. Again if it is meant to be.

What a game, isn’t it?

— keep an open mind. Humans live in simulations, like a very well made virtual world. In simulation just like in a computer program, anything is possible.

Keep an open mind. Those who wish to enslave you would definitely imprison your minds, confining it to a restricted border, by shaping your perception. You then project to imprison your own minds. It is how you are stuck here.

— people with low emotional intelligence are being pushed off the cliffs.

— fear is a currency for control. How are they trying to control you by making you fearful 😧 😉.?

9/13/2022

When you become wise and I surely hope you would be with so much love.

The things that have made you so very obsessed, so consumed, so tired, were they just distractions all along and not truly important? My love.

— everyone is entitled to be able to perceive this reality the way they want. This may be the only freedom when experiencing and watching a movie unfold.

But please know that, no one knows it all, no one understand how everything works to a t, no one has the absolute right answer, not while being a human. It’s been designed that way.

— what you suppress, the harder and longer you do, the harder and higher it would eventually explode into, whether it be something good or bad.

All energy is Karmic via balance. Everything in this reality is energy.

— a human experience, symbolically, is really just a tiny spark within an infinite light in which has no bound. It is the spark that is brief and confined but that is a chosen exploration.

9/17/2022

The rich would, of course, scam off other rich people and the some willing poor.

It is a karmic game and lesson that they do not mean to understand at the time.

9/18/2022

— the luxurious diamonds plated gold crown looks so beautiful from afar, a symbol of power but not really. It soon tires the mind, the body, and the soul of its wear and its surrounded . It is a curse in this reality.

9/19/2022

In this reality, most humans would chase after fame, power, fortune, and ego but stray far away from true happiness, unknowingly at least.

Most would live in deceit, manipulated and controlled by deceit, worship the deceit and be brought down by deceit.

That itself is also an experience. Let them learn from this.

Some would operate at a different frequency. Some would elevate when they hit rock bottom. All walks of life. But most would be considered blind, it is what it is. It is what it is in this reality. Let them be. Let them evolve. Remember all things are karmic.

9/20/2022

So much to prove, to prove you are happy, to prove you are sad, to prove you deserve, to prove you are enough and more, to prove you are the best, to prove that you have the most power and control.

Proving itself is a burden. It is a restless ego in disguise. Don’t you see?

— true profound healing starts with forgiveness and kindness for self and others. I wish this would also be in store for you, even after a hard hateful road.

— relationships itself, of any form, is a karmic lesson. It is designed that there is good and bad, to learn from and for experiences, and ultimately to rebalance the karmic energy.

— In this reality, everything is meaningless by itself. human minds then perceive of it and gives it meaning, whatever it may be. The meaningfulness, how big or how small only is confined in the minds.

— if such reality exists, the disaster would kill most of the inhabitants on this planet and then the surviving elites would have to start killing each other among themselves, first because of ego then because literally nothing else exist they need food out of each other

How twisted of a movie that would be. Hunger games of the billionaires and philanthropists.

— the difference of the enlightened and the imprisoned is simply the evolution of a consciousness. A thin invisible line in which holds one’s fate yet does not forcibly bind.

— even if you know that everything in this simulation is just an illusion but you would still have emotions because it is ingrained into this heartfelt experience.

9/21/2022

Hurt others then be prepared for you and yours to be hurt. It is pretty much a guarantee in this karmic reality. Karma is only a bitch if you have been bad.

You would soon find out my darling. Kiss kiss.

— when you dance with the demons, know that demons are looking at you and have big plans for you but not in a good way. What do you expect from demons?

9/22/2022

— please accept this. I can only see and understand this through my very own perspective. As much as I would like for someone that I love to be able to heal from something. They must have to do this on their own terms. One cannot force others to heal especially from within. If force is applied, it would not be in the energy of healing.

I accept that there is a possibility that this person may not be able to heal from a certain things In this one life time. I can only hope.

All the best and love.

*****— your most painful moments and memories, do not fear them. It would help awake the strength that is within you to be strong and resilient but do not get carried away with anger, it would completely consume you if you let it. Love is ultimately the only thing that would overcome the sufferings.

9/23/2022

We all are powered by this infinite and unconditional love, in fact everything in this reality is ultimately.

But each journey is different for each spirit, some have a thick coat of karma they need to work on before revealing their core love, and all of this also play into an experience that many come here to have via duality.

Remember, all is powered by love even though in this lower frequency, it is not so apparent and seemingly so far fetch impossible.

— in this reality, it is destined that the richest, the most famous, the most powerful and the biggest ego, would have to pay a steep price eventually. after all, they do all operate at a low vibration so it is no wonder. It is as if this is a cosmic law.

9/24/2022

— all of the sparks that come from pure love, dip into a space of infinite experiences.

Each dive is different yet the goal is always to either elevate or help one another elevate.

But some has to find its own way back home by ways of healing, there is nothing others can do. Let go. Let them be. It is designated to be this way. Always has been.

Everything happens the way it is supposed to.

9/25/2022

We all are ultimately infinite love. It is the experience that is painful, that is evil, that is corrupt, that is egotistical, and that is complicated. But when the experience is over, we remember that all of our origin is pure and unconditional love which is eternal and one, but so are the experiences.

9/27/2022

Don’t judge quickly, don’t judge at all because in this reality you would never see the reality via other’s eyes, and vice versa. Nothing is what it seems. It goes with this dimension.

Only you know how it feels to be in your shoes. It is designated this way within this reality but one day your spirit would see a bigger picture when you exit this level of simulation.

— all the chess pieces would also later be blamed (if not canceled 😂)for all the moves coming from the hand. It is a guide book.

But the karma does not escape the tool and the intent masterminds, be brave and face the music when you need to ;) also a part of your experience.

Love you 😉

9/29/2022

Observed: in this reality, with the cancel culture, it comes with a train of hatred, despite, and cruelty. Many unknowingly hop onto that low frequency of hate.

But everything in this place is karmic, the cancel culture sometimes is also a rude awakening for the intended.

They all come together to dance this dance though it isn’t the most pleasant dance.

May you be aware and mindful. May you not be consumed by the anger. May you find love and kindness via the contrast.

— most people are pursuing something that would ultimately not make them happy. It is designed that they do not know this while pursuing it but once they reach a certain level they would understand this in a very heartfelt sense. Some won’t ever realize what is making them unhappy or be in denial. It is their path.

— all of the narratives and movies within this reality is basically an energy trying to balance its karmic journey and experience.

— karma would always find its way to balance the energy.

9/30/2022

— sometimes it takes a full circle for one to learn. They would have to go back to where they started. And sometimes they would have to repeat that circle a few times or more to complete the lesson.

— it is not apparent and it is usually hidden well until their karma comes. The people who are considered at the top of the chain, the elites, the very privileged, the famous or the top unknown behind the curtain, all have to pay a universal price, which is basically operating at a very low vibrational level.

They would most likely not experience true genuine love and kindness because their vibrations would naturally not attract any loving energy. Love energy operates at a much higher level and the low vibrational would often times go through their experience without ever reaching and experiencing the level of love energy.

Having said that, this is also a designated experience, what it feels like to be in a even lower and denser energy field in this already heavy and draining reality.

All is still powered by love ultimately for all experiences. I would always wish you love no matter where you are.

[doctorofmagic]

My thoughts on What If... Doctor Strange Lost His Heart Instead of His Hands?

The very title of the episode sends a shiver down my spine. And this is where we’re going to start.

~ long post under the cut ~

A year ago, I wrote this post as an attemp to dive into one of the most important traits in Doctor Strange’s personality: love. Stephen is a being made of love, made to love, no matter which interpretation you have when you watch Infinity War. If you don’t read comic books, you’ll understand the moment you meet Donna. You’ll begin to understand how her death reshaped his entire subjectivity out of fear of failing, being powerless and unable to control everything around him (especially death), thus the arrogant and yet a disaster of a man we all know.

Where do I even start? Stephen loved her sister deeply and felt responsible for her death. And then, slowly, he also lost his parents and his brother. He fell in love with Clea but he also pushed her away. He loved Zelma platonically and lied to her, which was enough for them to break their bond. He felt attracted to Kanna but screwed things up, even though they remain friends. He was forced to kill the Ancient One, the only father figure he had ever since his father died. And lastly, the only person who would never leave his side... also left. Yes, even Wong. Stephen has SO much love to give but he’s also afraid because he’s cursed. He truly believes his love in poison. And would you look at that? What If really delivered a story where this is actually true.

What If Doctor Strange Lost His Heart Instead of His Hands?

The level of understanding when it comes to the character is... inconceivable. What could possibly reshape Stephen into following a dark path but love? The very premise of the whole episode. This is so much more than a love letter. This is literally too much, in all senses.

Fine, let’s begin.

What if the best of intentions has very strange consequences?

No. You used the word “strange” for the pun but this is not the word. Nah-ah. I’d go with ATROCIOUS, for starters. Things are gonna escalate so quickly, my friends.

Seriously, tho? Christine is SO SO SO SO beautiful, they’re so cute together. I have this feeling that MCU!Stephen was quite toxic because of his arrogance and this is why they didn’t work out. But WhatIf!Stephen???????? He’s always praising her, teasing her in a healthy way, respecting her and listening to her. HE TRULY LOVES HER, I’M GONNA CRY ALL OVER AGAIN, PLEASE, NOT THE CRÈME BRÛLÉE, PLEASE

I’m going to leave this shot here because we need to go back to it later. Hold that thought.

And bonus points to “Yeah, well, I would call that quite remarkable.” / “Well, I would say the same about you.”

GODS. THE PAIN. STOP THE PAIN.

So in this reality, Stephen didn’t caused the car accident because he was checking his phone while driving. Also it was not the reckless attempt to pass the truck. Well, maybe it was the consequence of this act? The fact is, the car behind them loses control, which makes them crash. Does it matter? We’ll learn later that no, it doesn’t.

And yep... Christine dies. Have you noticed the shattered heart? Ah, the pain only gets better and better.

Again, Stephen blames himself. More than anything, this is so important because Stephen is all about guilt. We still need to meet Donna so we can add yet another layer of guilt. But the feeling exists. This is what corrupts Stephen’s heart and soul in all his iterations. This is what makes him the character I love so much. I love this SO. MUCH. In addition, his stubbornness to accept his condition. Man won’t take a no. This, this is Doctor Strange in character. Stop complaining about NWH Stephen, it’s pathetic.

Okay, “grief-stricken”, Stephen found the Mystic Arts and became a sorcerer. That’s when he learned about the Time Stone, the Eye of Agamotto and Dormammu. Nothing changes, he saves the universe. But time does not heal his deepest wound.

I love Wong so much. Every time Wong does something, the world is healed. Really. We’re going back to him as well but for now I’ll just leave this shot.

BUT STEPHEN, DOING SOMETHING RECKLESS? HE’D NEVAH

Aaaaaaaannnnnnd then he did.

He goes back in time. It’s been two years since he lost Christine. I think he reacted pretty nicely, despite the circumstances. Now let’s go back to that shot I said I was saving for later.

Stephen is so light-hearted here. Also, during the first time he lost Christine, he had no idea what “The Price is Right” was. He knows now, which means he probably tried to learn more about the show because of her, because of grief. HAHAHA MORE PAIN

AND THEN HE

AND THEN SHE DIES AGAIN

AND THEN HE KEEPS GOING BACK IN TIME

AND SHE KEEPS DYING

AND THE MUSIC

AND HIS VOICE

AND HE TRIES TO CHANGE FATE BUT IT CAN’T BE AVERTED

HE EVEN TRIES TO STAY AWAY FROM HER LIFE BUT SHE DIES ALL THE SAME, WHY

AND EVERY TIME THEY CRASH, HE FEELS THE PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL PAIN AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN, WHY

I’M-- *ugly sobbing noises*

Apparently, not.

And this scene when he simply... closes his eyes before she dies again...?

This is where this episode had me in endless tears. It got me the four times I watched it. I’m dead serious.

Okay, so, next the Ancient One appears to Stephen, explaining that Christine’s death is an Absolute Point in time. It cannot be changed. Stephen needs the accident to become the Sorcerer Supreme and defeat Dormammu.

And this is where Stephen starts his journey into darkness. “Nothing is impossible, you taught me that. I only require more power.” Disobeying the Ancient One, Stephen then travels in time, seeking the Library of Cagliostro. Now, if you’re not aware of that, Cagliostro was a sorcerer who studied time in comics, and later became Sise-Neg (there’s a recent post on this because of the new Defenders run). It’s funny to think that Sise-Neg also destroyed the world when he became a god, however he grew past his pettiness and remade reality. Stephen did not possess such power, as we’re about to see.

PS: “Stop torturing yourself, Stephen.” Naur but he should use this line like a mantra. Especially comics!Stephen.

Not gonna lie, tho. This place reminds me of the Temple of the Vishanti from T&T (of course I was going to insert T&T somewhere, it’s me).

And of course they’d go for a pun with his name haha. I don’t know how to feel about this, tho. I feel like the episode is too heavy and dark for comedy. But it is what it is.

Okay but why some books are in cages??????????? And wow, it seems Cagliostro also gathered knowledge about several fields of magic.

And then Stephen learns that, in order to break an Absolute Point, he needs to absorb more power. This is when I went “oh-oh, here we go”.

And for real, is this Shuma-Gorath? Why are they keeping his name a secret? Is this the same creature from the first episode with Captain Carter, right? RIGHT? It has to be Shuma-Gorath.

Of course he tries to be polite and ends up all hurt haha. O’Bengh warns him about love but he will not listen. “Love can break more than your heart. It can shatter your mind.”/ “Is she worth the pain?”. Please, this is Stephen. He eats pain for breakfast.

Also, also, let’s take a break. We’re finally going to get monsterf0cker tentacle-lover Stephen Strange. It will cost us everything but here we goooooooooooo (yes, I went frame by frame for your more obscure fanservice needs)

Gods, I love this sequence so much it hurts. Okay, here we go.

Shmebulock???????????

AND HE STOLE THE CAPE??????????? AND DREW THE LINE ON BUGS??????

The grasp this man is holding on me right now...

Some of you will understand. I’m with you.

And here are the grostesque ones. These are hard to take SS but I had to.

Animation, sound effects, OST? CHEF’S KISS TO ALL

And lastly... the tentacles. Yeah, if you’re new... this is a thing.

Fanservice. Fanservice everywhere. (low-key the reason I also waited to write this review, I wanted to enjoy this part so badly but I was too sad for that lmao)

Okay so. O’Bengh is suddenly OLD and DYING, until we realize that Stephen spent CENTURIES absorbing mystic beings. CENTURIES. WTF STEPHEN. He had nothing in mind but the goal to save Christine. And people wonder why he went insane???? I’m sorry, O’Bengh, but I can’t take you serious when you still call Stephen Sorcerer Armani. Oh, and also because you watched him absorb beings for centuries in silence lmao. But I guess I have to because you said that Stephen is split in two since the Ancient One cast a spell on him, splitting the timelines and making them exist in the same reality before he could travel back in time. I know, it’s complex. Anything for the plot.

And now good!Stephen has an evil!twin who wants to absorb him back in order to become whole and break the Absolute Point. Cool.

I said I wanted to talk more about Wong because I think people are not talking about him enough. Wong is so important in this episode. He’s the one who’s trying to heal Stephen after Christine. He’s Stephen’s anchor.

Also, THEY FINALLY USED A SPELL WITH THE NAME OF THE VISHANTI. HOORAAAAY

So, for the sake of our understanding, I’m addressing the characters as evil and good!Stephen. Let’s go. Evil!Stephen summons good!Stephen and gods, he still holds such a strong grasp on me... unbelievable. THE DEEPER VOICE BENEDICT USES???? PLEASE, DIDN’T WE HAVE ENOUGH?

Imagine his strength to hold so many beings inside him, fighting to control him. BRO, THIS IS TOO TOO MUCH

Fine, I’ll not post SS about the fight because I’d be here all night long but I WILL say this: NOT CLOAKIE!!!!! NAAAAAAAAAAUR

Also if you ask me if I recognize any of the spells? Maaaaybe the Flames of Faltine, the not-so-crimson Bands of Cyttorak and a little trick Magik does with her portals. That’s how far I go.

I’ll not comment on the “seducing yourself to stay in the trap”. I will not. I’ll just say that the first person Stephen thought of when “Christine” was talking about the crème brûlée was Wong. That’s it.

And finally evil!Stephen absorbs good!Stephen and releases... UNLIMITED POWER (I love when the stone goes red as if it was bleeding aaaaaaa)

I can fix him...

This scene here? Poetic cinema. (I love his wings so much)

And when Stephen says her name and the other monsters’ voices echo “Christine”, AAAAAACKKKK

AND OF COURSE CHRISTINE WOULD FREAK OUT, BRO. LOOK AT WHAT YOU’VE BECOME BECAUSE OF YOUR TWISTED LOVE. I’M NOT DOING FINE.

Oh, but it’s too late anyways because Stephen broke reality haha. This scene is interesting because Stephen is the only one who sensed and/or talked to the Watcher until now. I read an interview that the Watcher kinda showed up but it’s also about Stephen’s keen senses. Bit of both, let’s say. Still, man, 616-Watcher is not that cold. 616-Watcher would watch this and say “how about I intervene anyway?”. WhatIf!Watcher is brutal.

The way Christine looks at Stephen one last time also KILLS ME, DESTROYS ME, BREAK ME INTO A MILLION PIECES.

And this is where my soul left my body.

This is how they end the episode. This is how you leave me speechless and with teary eyes. This is how you give me a whole existential crisis.

This... this was brutal to watch. Really.

What can I say after this? I’m used to reading painful things when it comes to Stephen. Aaron’s and Cates’ runs are heartbreaking on so many levels. Hickman’s New Avengers is not easier. Coincidentally, What If? Magik Became Sorcerer Supreme and The End. And now Death of Doctor Strange. And yet, after everything I’ve been through, I’d never expect to watch something so brilliant, so tragic, so heartbreaking and unexpected in the MCU. Never. This is top tier content and this is my favorite character with SO MANY LAYERS and SO MUCH UNDERSTANDING. I can’t put into words how meaningful this whole episode is to me, or how deep it touched my heart and soul.

I’ve been struggling to find the proper words since then, I still can’t. All I can add is, I cried for the 4th time now. This is too, too much, even for Stephen stans. Even for the ones who are used to pain, regardless of which media you’re into: comic books, live actions or animated movies. This is literally more than I can take and yet I’m so, so grateful. The voice acting, gods, how did Benedict manage to create a better Stephen than the one he’s literally playing in real life???????????? HOW

This episode really took the max potential Stephen had to offer as a character, added tons and tons of layers based on his grief, depression, arrogance and need to control everything and created a tragic masterpiece. In 7 years of being a Doctor Strange fan, I've never read or watch something that could go this deep into the character. The closest I can think of is Mr. Misery and the metaphor of Stephen's depression. This is a whole new level of respect and understanding. This is more than a love letter. This is peak maestry. It’s perfect, it’s heartbreaking, it’s... gods, I can’t.

Sorry for dragging you until this far. Before I wrap up this review, I just wanted to remind you all that Stephen will appear again, he will smile again, he will be surrounded by people again. So this is not the end. It was painful but be brave. We still have a few more steps to take.

[dingdongitsbees]

Gojo is a strong person | Gojo x gn!reader oneshot (Angst)

Synopsis: Gojo is the strongest, that was an agreed upon fact, or at least he thought it was until he met you.

The first time you had laid eyes upon him, you laughed.

“This is almighty Gojo Satoru, huh?”

Ao3 Link

WC: 3k Tw: canon typical violence, death Just send an ask to be added to Gojo taglist! (specify if you don’t want angst etc)

Jujutsu Kaisen Masterlist | Main Masterlist

Gojo Satoru is a strong person, that’s what everyone knew. That fact was known by every shaman that had had their first breath and by anyone that laid their eyes on him, even if only for a split moment in the bustling crowds of Tokyo. It was a fact that the man knew himself, it could hardly be called egotistical if it was simply the truth that he was the strongest, though he toed the line of cocky so much that he had fully passed its threshold far before he even attended school. But his parents and his clan and the servants that worked there never gave him anything else to think. 

He was better than them by the time he had first opened his eyes. He was a man whose mere existence disrupted the world so chaotically that any possible adversary would tremble at the mere thought of facing him. Gojo Satoru is the strongest, that was an agreed upon fact, or at least he thought it was until he met you.

The first time you had laid eyes upon him, you laughed.

“This is almighty Gojo Satoru, huh?”

He was stunned. People rarely smiled at him, only when trying to please him or gain something from him, laughs and giggles became shushed when he came near. Never had he heard such a clear laugh from someone aware of his presence, let alone laughing at him.

And like you had expected his frozen form, you gave him a knowing look and a smile. “I look forward to getting to know you, Satoru.”

To say that he was enamoured by you by the moment your smile reached your crinkling eyes was an understatement.

His high school years began and never had he felt more challenged in his life. He was the strongest, that still rung true, but until then he had never felt a desire to prove it, a desire to impress. His ideals and methods were questioned and criticised, his techniques scrutinised and forced to improve and adapt. His teachers, Getou, Shoko, even the younger students like Nanami, all challenged him.

Prove to us that you are the strongest. We will not accept a statement like that at face value. Prove it.

Now get better.

But none of them came close to you. You hounded him at every open opportunity, around every corner. And oh, did he welcome it. You’d challenge him to fights, lose almost every time, but always find something he did badly or should have done that he would obsess over for the days and weeks to come. You’d think of new ways for him to apply his techniques and go further beyond anyone that had inherited Infinity, aiding him reach potentials he didn’t even think existed or that he needed. You’d come back with an argument to anything and everything you disagreed with, answers he couldn’t look past or debunk, forcing him into a state of reflection which his parents had deprived him of.

Gojo Satoru was the strongest, but he learned very quickly that he wasn’t perfect.

He continued to change; adapt to everything you threw at him. His cocky attitude stayed carved in stone, his laughs at the weak were never missed, but he looked forward in excitement. He had never had that before you. His life path was laid out perfectly for him since birth, a life he had never asked for he once said. And you had replied.

“Then why are you following it? You’re the strongest, aren’t you? Then do what you want, no one can stop you.”

He soon realised that the flutters his heart experienced as he laid down in the grass next to you, staring up at the stars, was not just his heart stuttering at the beauty of the universe. His heart imploded whenever your fingers came close to his, subtle shoulder touches from passing in the corridors, laughs at his jokes that would get you into stitches, smiles that seemed to lighten his heart and drop his stomach like a rollercoaster, and eyes that stared into his soul.

And you knew, oh by god you knew what effect you had on him. You were no fool. But oh my, was it fun.

You had feelings for him too, you weren’t that cruel, and you knew that he knew that too. But you weren’t going to jump headfirst into a boy who couldn’t differentiate between what he wanted, and what he was expected to want. Who he was, and who he was supposed to be.

One night, like many nights before, you laid on his bed together, chips and chocolates and any wrappers of sweets he had impulsively bought surrounding you two. And that night he turned to you, question hesitant on his lips.

“What do you think of me? Who do you think I am?”

You pursed your lips, tilting your head towards him, thinking of what to say but you already knew the answer the moment he asked.

“You’re Satoru,” you said, a grin taking up half your face. “You’re just Satoru.”

He would never admit it, but he cried that night, he cried hard. And he wouldn’t have to worry, because you expected this of him, of course you did, you always did, and you held him. You held him as tight as you possibly could, as tight as you could hold a lonely boy crushed by the weight of the world that he never volunteered to lift. He was Atlas, but you were next to him, helping hold the world on your shoulders, even if you were scared that it would crush your shoulders into splinters, never would you have mentioned it.

The two of you continued to dance to the song that the pair of you had been listening to for years, waiting for one to take the step forward, to dip the other into no return. Dance the dance that had been safely done with a metre in between the two of you, not wanting to step on the other’s feet, not wanting to come in before the bridge started, not wanting to get the timing of the beat drop wrong. Things caused chaos around the ballroom that you danced in, friends lost to death or to wars of morals and ideals, faith lost in elders meant to protect you but instead fetishized tradition, guidance into the adult world being left in the air. But the two of you continued to dance, getting incrementally closer to each other, breath reaching skin, fabrics tripping over each other, but never quite close enough to feel the other, always a hair width away.

And like you had expected, like you had waited patiently for, he stepped closer, bridging the gap between the two of you. A smile stayed on your lips as he pressed his mouth to yours gently, eyelashes fluttering against his cheeks in greeting. Satoru had finally become him. Not the shaman that was whispered between hands, the sorcerer who elders expected great things from, not just the strongest. He was Satoru, and that was as perfect as he was ever going to be, and as perfect as you wanted him.

Years passed and not even for a moment could you be bored when existing in the same world as Gojo Satoru. Every day was something new, something to tease about the other, another sign of affection that would make the other’s heart stumble, another reason to fall even more irrevocably in love.

You stood by his side with everything he stood for, staying grounded and as a point of reference of what he wanted this world to be. The world he wanted you to be able to live in. You argued by his side when trying to revoke death wishes that were put on Itadori, giving a smile to the higher ups when he insinuated the length he would go to in order to get the world of his own design. You would be slitting throats next to him before he had the chance to ask and everyone knew it. 

Your name was whispered beside his now, one couldn’t be mentioned without mentioning the other. The strongest and the tamer. The one that had incapsulated every corner of Gojo Satoru’s heart and would never leave. The one that the man would burn down the world for if it dared to insult the love of his life, and the two of you would just smile through the flames. 

Good and evil is relative, but neither compares to the terrifying ordeal yet comfort of being known by someone else through and through. Every pore and freckle and hair studied by the other until they know the other’s face and soul better than they know their own.

Satoru was only ever approached when you were away on a mission. There was no chance of compromise or pushing when you were in the vicinity. You knew what he wanted, and you wouldn’t settle for anything less than. Gojo Satoru was the strongest, but you had him happily in your hands at your mercy and direction, you were the scariest.

So it was no surprise to either of you as your missions were set far away from each other and at the most inopportune times. You barely had anytime to look in his eyes let alone talk of creating the world together like gods. But if they thought that mere curses would separate the two of you, they were fooling themselves. No amount of time, nothing the other could do, would ever stop the tyrannical love you held for each other, nothing would be allowed to get in the way.

Every night the other came home, they would hold the other’s cheeks in their hands softly, letting their love’s head surrender to gravity. You wouldn’t need to say a word, and neither would he, just quietly in your world for another moment before the other would inevitably have to leave. You would figure it out, the two of you always did, you would eventually get the world you talked about in the company of the stars like you had since you were teenagers.

When you got the call of your next mission you frowned. It seemed off, a special grade that had been spotted in Osaka, nothing you hadn’t dealt with before, but the slight stutter of the caller rang alarm bells in your head. As you packed for your mission Satoru stared at you from the other side of the living room, reading you.

“How bad?” he asked, his blue eyes caressing your face gently, a book on his chest he had long abandoned to just watch you.

“Just a special grade but…” you started.

“It feels wrong?”

You nodded. Asking him to come with you was out of the question for multiple reasons, both of you worked better alone, leaving no risk of the other getting harmed by a technique, Satoru had a lot on his plate already, caring for students and attempting to research and protect his students from the special grades that had begun popping up. And well, you were capable, this was something you knew how to do and had done for years. But still, at the back of your mind, it was screaming at you to run, to take the man in front of you and just run.

But you didn’t.

Instead, the two of you swayed in your kitchen together to silent music, his arms holding you tightly, afraid you would be stolen from him. You held your ear to him, his heartbeat calming down your neurons that were lighting fires in your brain. You stayed there for a little eternity, intoxicated with the other’s touches and love, but soon you picked your bag up from the kitchen counter, and gave him a soft and slow kiss. His eyes looking down at you half-lidded, drunk on the person in front of him, euphoric he got to be called yours. He watched as you left, your eyes catching his through the closing gap, giving him that knowing look and smile you always had.

It was worse that had been described in the report, far worse. The paper was practically a list of lies. You wished you could call for back up, to call for Satoru, but there was literally no time. The moment you arrived the scene was already in chaos, people getting eaten and dismembered like playthings by not one, but three special grades.

People weren’t listening to your directions, practically running into the mouths of the curses, several lower grade ones had come as well, as if called, making everything so much harder. You were in the middle of the war zone, trying to kill lower grades that were seconds away from killing a civilian, getting people out of there and to run, and fighting the special grades that didn’t give you a moment to breathe. Adults' limbs were torn off of them as they screamed to be helped, kids' heads exploded as you held them under your arms. The special grades just laughed.

They had cut you down more times than you could count on the fingers you had left, you couldn’t differentiate the blood pouring down your body from the ones who had died around you. You had managed to kill two of the three special grades, but the other evaded everything with a wide grin, directing the other curses like an orchestra. A symphony of shattering bones and blood curdling screams filled your ears everywhere, inescapable.

A child, one that couldn’t have been older than four, ran to you, stumbling over their feet as they sobbed. The special grade geared up, charging their attack. You took a deep breath and calmly looked at the world in front of you for a moment, time slowing down. Your mouth twitched up at the ludicrousness of it all and looked to the sky you had spent a lifetime staring at.

Sorry Satoru, looks like I won’t be coming home.

You grabbed the child, and curled around it, protecting it as best as you could, and waited for impact.

There was no other answer to draw from your mission than the fact that the higher ups had sent you on a suicide mission, they knew you worked alone, they knew that there was a limit to even how much you could handle. Because after you all, you weren’t the strongest. You were the disposable one. They had sent you, but not just so you would be the one to crumble.

No. That’s all Gojo Satoru could think as he raced through the corridors, he didn’t want to believe it, he refused to believe it. There was no such timeline where you could be separated from him, it was simply not allowed. A reality that was forbidden from coming to fruition. He slammed open the doors to Shoko’s lab, teary eyes glanced up at him before looking to the ground. They surrounded a table in the middle of the floor, barring him from seeing. He just stared with wide eyes, looking insane, not a single thought that they would be able to read. But you would know, you would only have to take one look at him and you would know what he was thinking, because you would sit up and look him in the eyes with the smile that he had carved into his soul. You would, you had to.

The group parted slowly, giving him access to the metal table.

There you were, lying down in what had to be a deep slumber, eyes closed, looking as beautiful as you always did and would continue to be. You had to, you had to. He took a step closer, his hands trembling at his sides, he reached forward, touching your cold cheek, his shaking sending little waves across your skin.

Shoko stood next to him with red eyes. She reached up to touch his shoulder, but her hand froze, stopped by Infinity. Her eyes widened. He took no notice of her, not acknowledging her for even a second. Her hand curled into a fist and dropped, looking away with a wobbly breath.

He cupped his hand underneath your head, lifting you to his chest. It was a mystery of how he managed to keep you steady. Ever so slowly he picked up your whole body, walking out of the room. No one stopped him.

He refused to acknowledge what his six eyes were telling him. There was no way, no conceivable way, that you could have left him. You would never do that to him. You would never dare leave him all alone in this world, the world that hadn’t been theirs yet. There were so many things they had left to do. So many things they were meant to fix. So many more days left to love each other. So many more days where you were meant to look at him and just see him, just see Satoru. So, there was no way you left. You wouldn’t do that to him, right?

Gojo Satoru was a strong person, that’s what everyone thought. He was the strongest. But the sound that came out of him as he knelt in the dirt outside the building as his body wracked with sobs, cradling you to his chest desperately, haunted all the hearer’s waking and sleeping states. Their dreams stayed infected with it for weeks. He begged to the universe and to you, begging through screams. It was so loud. It was so excruciating. And it was so, so raw. It sounded like his vocal cords were being ripped apart, and they wouldn’t have been surprised if that came to be true.

Gojo Satoru was a strong person, that’s what everyone thought, but now they weren’t so sure.

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Jujutsu Kaisen Masterlist | Main Masterlist

Just ask if you want to be added to Gojo taglist! (specify if you don’t want angst etc)

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[browneyes-issac]

Birthday surprise part one: how you met.

Jack " Whiskey " Daniels x Oberyn Martell x Frankie Morales x F!reader

Warnings: Talks about sexuality. ( reader is 17 and Oberyn is 18, nothing happens. Just them talking about finding both males and females attractive. ) Mention of verbally abusive parents. Small mention of sex, nothing explained, just mentioned.

AN: This is full on a self indulgent, lol. Because I'm pretty sure I'm not doing anything for my birthday this year because it's so damn hot and I don't really have the money.. So what better to do to make me smile? Write something with some of my favorite guys where it's much better of a birthday! 🥰

So as I was about to switch to current time in their lives, I realized I wrote a lot. So I'm gonna split it in two and post this part today and the other part tomorrow. 🤗 Leave it up to me to want write a cute little one shot, and then come up with so much for it that I need to do two parts.. 🤣🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Ok so we are gonna look past that I shamelessly threw my name in here. 😆🙈 I can fully see Oberyn calling a women he cares about a lot his lotus flower. And it just fits Oberyn in general to have flower nicknames for people.. So in other words, don't mind my name making an appearance in here.. 🏃💨😆🙈

Notes about what this will be: I am making an AU where there are multiple Pedro boys in one universe.. The reason is because there is amazing qualities about each of them and I think being in a friend group with them would be super sweet and amazing.

Summary: How you met the guys.

Main masterlist

Birthday surprise masterlist

You've been friends with the guys most of your life. Well scratch that.. You met Jack first when you were 17 and you guys became fast friends, Frankie and Oberyn were just pluses once Jack introduced you guys.

You and Jack met at this camp both your's and Jack's parents forced you to go to. The camp was just a basic camp for teens. You guys were paired during a fun group exercise to get to know each other and be active at the same time. The shy person you are, being very quite and only talking when needed, all that shyness jazz.

But the little shit that Jack is. Even at the age of 17. He is lady charmer, but he is different with you... You were the most beautiful girl he's ever seen he thought the first time he saw you when you guys got paired. Instantly making it his job to know more about you.

He really wasn't a lady charmer yet, still got a few years for that, he just says that about himself because he's watched too many movies and thinks he's hot stuff. He sees a lot of himself in you with how shy you are. He used to be the same exact way but his brothers got him out of his shell in the last year or so with being more brave with talking and not being shy to do anything.. The typical things siblings help you out with when you're a very shy person.

" Hey darlin, can I ask you a question? " Jack asked with that southern accent you ended up teasing him about later on in your friendship.

" Y yes you may. " you said with a stutter that was caused by being nervous because such a cute boy is talking to you.

" what's that bracelet you are wearing? I noticed you haven't taken it off the whole day, even during the activities we had to get dirty. " he asked kinda nervous that you'd think he was weird for noticing so much.

" I- You are very observant and a random question that I never thought someone would ask. You blush and smile that he noticed something so small about you. Uhh it's my birthstone color, my favorite color, and my aunt's favorite color woven together with an infinity symbol. My great aunt gave it to me for good luck. And I just have never taken it off because I was really close with her before she passed last year. " You say more confident then you thought you would.

He is blown away that you actually told him instead of giving him a basic answer. He smiles widely then says; " That is very beautiful. I'm so sorry for your loss though. "

" Thank you, it's for sure one of the things I will always hold near and dear to my heart. Not even gonna think what I'll do when it falls apart. You both laugh at the last part. And thank you, she was an amazing person. It's been tough without her but I know she's in a better place and I know she is always with me if I need her. "

" it's so easy to talk to him.. I've never felt this comfortable with anyone. I think I'm going to become friends with him, he seems like an amazing person. " You think to yourself after rambling your reply to him.

" You're welcome very much for both, darlin. That's really sweet though. How you still go about your life with the thought of her being there with you still. I thought I was the only one that thought like that with the people I've lost. " he smiles at you and takes your hand and squeezes it in a sweet way to say you aren't alone after he says that.

~~~

After bonding more throughout the day you guys become fast friends during camp. Practically became joined at the hip. Then it was time for camp to be over. You guys exchanged numbers to keep in touch over the rest of the year and all that jazz.

Come to find out once school starts up... Jack is a new student at your high school. Once you both realize it, you race and hug each other. You both are surprised by it, but quickly settle into it because you've grown so close.

Best first day ever both of you say in unison then start laughing up a storm at speaking at the sametime.

You end up having most classes together and lunch. At lunch he introduces you to his brothers; Frankie and Oberyn. They are a year older and are the sweetest & funniest guys ever.

Another thing you found out about the boys are they are all adopted. Their adoptive parents took them all in when they were 9 and 8. Jack was put into foster care at a young age and moved families a lot, he still to this day doesn't know why. Oberyn, the poor sweetheart has been in foster care since birth. His parents were horrible people but were in the right mind to give him up so he could have a better life. Frankie, he was very similar to both of them, but he acted out a lot because he was put into foster care. Which then caused no one to want to adopt him. But their adoptive parents took one look at all three of them and said they would take them because they knew they were gonna be amazing people and be the happiest with them.

" she is very beautiful and such a sweetheart. " Oberyn leans over and whispers to Jack. " I told you. I'm really glad that we moved here, and mom and dad made me go to that camp. " he says to his brother with the biggest smile on his face.

~~~~~~

You ended up being the fourth part to their group that they never knew they needed. Always to the rescue to break arguments about the most random things. Always made them laugh with how goofy you were once you opened up completely to them and weren't shy one bit.

And of course becoming the mother of the group that kept them in check when they were being too rowdy. "There is a time and place to be jackasses. " you'd always tell them after stopping them from doing god knows what and slapping them on the back of the head playfully for being brats.

You became close to all of them even more over time, especially during summers since there was more free time to be goofy, etc.

First was Oberyn, you and him instantly click with loving nature and being so open about your sexuality. You came to find out that his favorite color is a beautiful mustard yellow. You never knew yellow could be so beautiful, let alone a mustard shade. Always had a bracelet on that was the color and once cold weather hit, he always had this gorgeous jacket on that was the mustard yellow. Always teased him that you were gonna steal it from him because it was so beautiful. " Never in a million years, my lotus flower. Maybe just maybe if I find another one you can have this one. We will have to see. " He said to you with such an adoring smile one day while you guys were out getting dinner for you and the guy's weekend dinners.

Then there is sweet Frankie. He is a lot like you with being the dad of group. It's mostly with the boys, but since they have corrupted you into being a menace also, he's stern with you also. It's nothing bad.. Just like how you are with them; goofy but stern when you all need to be proper, etc. You bond with him over loving old movies and being old souls. He is the one you go to when you are struggling with your parents. They are always fighting and taking it out on you with yelling and blaming a lot on you.. So you struggle with a lot of stuff because of them. When it gets too much you go to Frankie, because his birth parents were a lot like yours, so you feel more comfortable and such talking to him about it. Besides you never want to burden the other boys, they do know about it but you never really talk much about it. They know you feel more comfortable with talking to Frankie about it, they are never upset you are and know you know they are always here for you.

Jack and your relationship progressed normally over time. You still were inseparable, definitely got worse in the best way over time. Talked everyday the whole day no matter what. Still joined at the hip when you were out with the boys. You both developed small crushes on each other but always kept it down and hidden from the light of day. Well until you guys were 24, you confessed your feelings to each other one day. There was a moment you guys thought something was going to happen, but Frankie walked in on your conversation.. And it never really was talked about after that, nothing even changed with you guys.

Once Frankie and Oberyn moved out, they got a place together, well for the four of you once you and Jack were 18 and graduated. You all made a pack early in your friendship that you all would move into a house together after high school. Because you guys were all the family you ever needed. And besides it was a perfect reason for you to get away from your asshole parents and for the boys to keep you safe.

~~~~

It's been two years since you all moved into your house. Its been the best two years ever. You have become so much mentally stronger since you left that toxic household. For real the best decision ever that you made that pact with the guys all those years ago.

~~~

Everyone in the house has had their fair share of lovers.

You and Oberyn of course having both females and males in your romantic lives. You guys even experimented with being in bed together with two other people. Exploring having that type of relationship with a group of people. You two always were each other's safe place when it came to sex. Never ashamed to ask about things or for help with a lover, just all around so supportive and helpful with it. It never made anything weird between you and him, or either of the boys. You all knew each other's sexuality and knew Oberyn and yourself were very open about it, etc.

There was this one summer that you and Frankie had this fling. It was kept secret from the other boys most of the summer. Neither of you were ashamed, it was just one of times where you both weren't in a relationship at all and thought it would be fun to try it out and it was a way to get your sexual frustrations out and not having to rely on yourselves all the time. Cause we all know sometimes it's just not enough and ya need someone else to help fully release all your worries. It just lasted that summer, there was definitely no strings attached. So once one of you found someone else, it was over. The boys found out at the end of the summer, they were very very surprised but kinda thought something was up because there was times both of you would leave the room together then come back looking a little flustered. But they were oblivious to it really, never really thought anything of it. Surprisingly they weren't even weirded out. You guys all loved each other so damn much that it didn't really matter, as long as no hearts were broken and everyone was ok with stuff ending, etc.

Now you and Jack. Still nothing ever happened with you two. Over they years. Yes that confession happened when you were 24, but nothing after that. Until you we're. about to turn 26...

The end for now... 👀💞🤗

AN after reading: Ok so! I apologize for this being so damn long and I got it deep into having back stories and everything with each of them and reader. I'm not promising anything... But I kinda feel like this might turn into a series after I write the second part today into tonight.. 🤔 We will see.

Also, I kept their spicy times very blunt because I'm stlll new to writing and I haven't really done spicy time writing yet, soooo I kept it simple for you guys to imagine. 💞

But in other news! I hope you liked this little get to know them part before we get to see what they planned for the birthday surprise. I can't wait to " put pen to paper " and write the second part, and share with you all! 💞🤗 the idea seems sweet and awesome to me, I hope you'll think so too once you read it. 🥰💗

No pressure for reading this tags: @supernaturalgirl20 @stxrrylunatic @heythere-mel @prolix-yuy

If you would like to be added to the tag list for part two ( and maybe more parts) just shoot me an ask or DM and I'll add ya! 🤗💞