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#but it’s been so fucking difficult I just don’t know what to do
evanbi-ckley · 3 days
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He feels like he’s being weighed down. Like he’s under water or a heavy blanket. His limbs are heavy, and he can’t get his eyes to open. There’s muffled sound nearby, but he can’t make out anything coherent. He’s also really warm. Uncomfortably so.
Is this what death is like? Is he in Hell? Or something Hell-adjacent? Were all the fire and brimstone idiots he refused to give the time of day actually right about something?
But then the heat is gone and there’s a cool breeze that skims across his skin.
Does he have skin? Do people feel their skin once they’re dead?
He’s still debating with himself as he gets pulled further under.
~***~
What is that annoying, repetitive sound? Did he change his alarm? Why the fuck can’t he turn it off?
~***~
It hurts.
Why does it hurt?
He can’t even tell what hurts, but something fucking hurts.
If he could just open his eyes and get up to take some ibuprofen.
Also his nose itches. Why can’t he fucking scra-
~***~
“Fucking bees.”
~***~
He’s warm again, but it’s not uncomfortable this time. 
He feels safe. And alive. 
He doesn’t feel as weighed down anymore.
It’s difficult, but he cracks his eyes open. He’s - in the hospital? That’s definitely a hospital ceiling and hospital lights and hospital machines beeping.
He turns his head to the left - slowly - and sees his arm is in a giant cast. That explains why he can’t lift it.
He turns his head to the right just as slowly. He’s surprised to see a head of curly hair lying next to his hip, a large hand in his own. 
When he flexes his hand, the curly head pops up immediately.
The man looks at him with bloodshot eyes that clearly haven’t seen sleep in days. He’s young - not alarmingly so but certainly younger than Tommy. The stubble on his jaw has gone far past 5 o’clock shadow and has entered the realm of beard, making him look slightly older. But who -?
“Tommy?” the man asks. His voice is low and raspy, possibly unused.
“Uh,” Tommy says. His own voice sounds even worse.
Without hesitation, the man turns - without letting go of Tommy’s hand - and pours a cup of water from the pitcher on the table next to the bed. Then he brings the cup up to Tommy’s mouth, a bendy straw pointing toward him.
Tommy drinks slowly, his mouth feeling like parchment that’s been left out in the sun too long. 
“Thanks,” he says.
The man sets the cup down and says, “Yeah, so um, h-how do you feel?”
He thinks for a bit, taking stock of himself.
“Sore. Numb in places. I assume they’ve got me on the good stuff?” The man nods, a cute smirk pulling at the corner of his mouth. “But there’s also the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen sitting next to me, holding my hand. So all told, I’m doing pretty well.”
The tips of the man’s ears turn pink, and a cute blush spreads across his cheeks. Adorable.
“You don’t have to flirt so hard, Tommy. You should know by now, I’m a sure thing.”
Ah, so -
“So we’re,” Tommy gestures vaguely with his head, “together?”
“Uh,” the man laughs uncertainly, “for about six months now, yeah.”
“Oh.” Tommy’s eyebrows shoot up. “But you’re so…” He trails off, not really knowing where he was going with that.
“So…what?” the man prods.
“Take your pick,” Tommy says. “Young? Pretty? Out of my league?”
“Sweetheart.” The man says it like they’ve had this discussion before, but he’s smiling. “Don’t try to amnesia your way out of being with me. I called dibs forever after our second date.”
Tommy smiles lazily. “Dibs forever, huh?”
“Yep. You’re stuck with me.”
Humming as if he’s considering the pros and cons, Tommy finally says, “I guess I can live with that.”
The man’s smile is blinding. “Evan,” he says. “Evan Buckley. In case you forgot.”
It comes back to him then - a cruise ship rescue in the middle of a hurricane, a basketball game, a kiss, a first date that ended terribly, more dates that ended perfectly, slow dancing in the kitchen, long nights together that ended too soon. A call during a bad storm, total engine failure, glass and fear and rain and acceptance and trees and blue eyes and a smile like warm sunshine.
“Evan,” Tommy says, pulling him closer. “Baby.” He kisses him softly. “I love you more than anything. How could I forget?”
Evan has tears in his eyes and leans their foreheads together when he says, “Don’t ever do that again. I thought I lost you.”
“I’m so sorry, baby. I thought so, too. I thought I’d never get to see you again. I’m so sorry.”
The next kiss is wet with tears - Evan’s or his own, it doesn’t matter. They’re here, and they’re both okay, and they’re together. That’s all that matters.
“I love you, too, by the way,” Evan says once they pull apart. “Can’t believe you waited to tell me until after you almost died, but I’ll take it.”
“I’ll say it every day until I actually die, okay?” he says. He gets a smack to his good shoulder for his effort, but they’re smiling too hard for it to have any weight.
There’s a long road ahead with recovery and therapy and stubbornness and frustration, but they’ve got this. They’ll get through it all. 
Together.
part 1
part 2
part 3
also now on ao3!
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obsessedbtch · 2 days
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𝟐 𝐠𝐢𝐫𝐥𝐬, 𝟏 𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐤𝐞, 𝟏 𝐝𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐡.
hopkins! p. bueckers x fem!reader
summary: she can’t let you read her, she is so difficult to understand, you are tired of crying because of her.
warnings: angst!! paige doesn’t know what she wants.
note: kinda short, trying to make my writing more smooth and understandable
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“sometimes it’s better to close the window no matter how beautiful the view is.”
scanning once again the notes you toke from spanish class, the blue ink keeping company to the paper and the little sticky notes spread around this one. in a few days you had an exam, being the paranoid person you are, wanting anything more than a perfect score made you study everything you have been seeing since day one, finals were around the corner. you decided to study all the way to north carolina. wanting an excellent grade wasn’t the only thing disturbing your mind, a certain basketball player was also bothering you, maybe that’s why you couldn’t make the information stick in your brain.
it bothered you, it bothered that you couldn’t understand her, you tried, but she was so difficult to read, she refused to open up to you, even though you have been dating for quite a while, maybe it wasn’t even dating, it felt like you were just fuck buddies, a shoulder to cry on, a friend.
some times she couldn’t keep her hands to herself, her hands being glue and your skin being paper, it was difficult to take off once glued together. other times, she wouldn’t even take a glance at your direction, making a conversation with everyone except you, it made your eyes itch with tears and your throat tightened.
the only ones to observe they way you will agonize for her, was the brightens of the moon and the stars, highlighting beautifully the black sky when it came dark, looking down on you laying on your backyard while your parents where gone, you thought that your pillow was sick of having to absorb your salty tears.
some how, the itchiness of the green grass beneath you, the full round moon, with small white dots shining around her, brought you comfort, when the cold was to much to handle and it felt like a rough breeze surrounding the nude of your arms and legs, it filled the noticeable hole in you heart, filling it up with comfort, the one you desired so bad.
you have a bad habit, a terrible one. is it really that bad wanting, desiring something so bad? it truly is if its making you feel all kinds of ways, but not the ways that made you feel loved, or make your breath shaky and unstable when your heart started to speed up.
you could write about her to the point of suffocating, not thinking the right words to describe her, staring at her was like looking a blank paper, you don’t know what do with it until they gave you instructions, you don’t understand why is it blank, it doesn’t mean anything, it doesn’t express anything, it’s so difficult to understand.
“i cried while writing about you in my diary.”
you couldn’t stop writing about her.
it was so late, you couldn’t bother taking a look at the clock.
the sound of little rock’s hitting constantly on your window was something to familiar, you knew that perfect aim to well, it made you write even more faster, not taking note about how awful your writing became the more you write about her, it was so noticeable, the words coming from the bottom of your heart and the cold tears threatening to came out like water falls from your eyes once you blink, it made your eyes even more watery and burn from not blinking, not wanting to ruin your perfectly done homework.
finally giving up, fixing your posture, you allowed your back to take a break while still hearing the rocks hitting on your window, taking it like a background sound, but it made you feel frustrated.
as consequence of relaxing, the tears that pilled up in your eyes came out like just like you expected, without writing anything and not being concentrated in anything, it made the sound of the rocks grow louder.
standing up from the chair, making aside the thoughts of the person hitting your window was paige.
opening the curtains not being welcomed with the shining sun of the early morning, instead, it was the sight that gave you comfort, that dried your coldly salt tears with the breeze making your once warm pinkish cheeks sticky.
but this time it didn’t bring comfort.
it made your heart explode.
the view was so beautiful, the stars filling the darkness not leaving any blank space behind, the moon, today it was a third quarter.
you stared at her, trying not to show any emotion, just like she did when you tried to talk to her, it was like you switched roles, she had a agonizing stare it almost made you cry.
she looked up to you, opening her mouth to say something but nothing came out, she didn’t know what to say, the words kept getting stuck on the bottom of her throat.
your hands made their way to your wide open glass window, you needed to close the window, right now or you wouldn’t be responsible for your actions, but it was such an amazing view.
the sound of your windows crashing because of the sudden collision made your walls shake, the sound making you shut your eyes tightly, afraid that if you opened them again you would run into her arms, only opening them again once you closed your curtains.
written by coeur!! byeeee
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andcars · 1 day
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# 𝗙𝗖𝟰𝟯 ─── MAKE IT UP OFF-TRACK MASTERLIST . . . REQUEST ME . . . TAGLIST . . . AO3
YOU'VE RACED WITH HIM AND you've been under him. still, it hurts you when he outqualifies you. it almost hurts as much when you both still think you're just fuck buddies. ────── original prompt req.
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PROMPTED DIALOGUE . . . # “You’ve been staring for a while” PROMPTED TAGS . . . # praise kink, rivalry, friends with benefits, jealousy ADD. TAGS . . . # quickie vibes, sex in the hospitality, author has a language kink, but also deepl translations WORD COUNT. . . # 1.6k
────── AO3 VERSION
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P11. Fucking P11.
Everyone else is in the garage as you come in, all angry and disappointed. You were tenth of a second behind P10 and you weren't able to push it on the last lap because you went off track limits.
What’s done is done. You can’t work with a car that clearly doesn't wanna work with you. The better part of you wants to let this go and simply rest for tomorrow. Call it a day. Think of how to dominate tomorrow. Sleep it off.
But Franco walks to the garage at P7 and proceeding into Q3. The plan gets thrown away immediately.
You don’t hate the guy, of course not. You’ve met him times before when he was still in F2. If, of course, meeting him included hotel rooms and secluded bathrooms. You met him a lot, if so.
It’s not his fault that he’s better than you, as of now. You should be happy, really. But fuck, it should hurt how some rookie is better than you in a car you’ve driven for a year.
Despite all of this anger bubbling in you, you can’t stay mad at him. You could never stay mad at him, you think. Yet it hurts all the same.
You look away as your eyes meet. Not giving him a chance to even confront you or attempt to comfort you, you leave.
It’s pivotal now to talk with your strategist. He’s expecting you, unfortunately. Knowing damn well that your next duty was to come to him to see how to improve your performance, he already had your data pulled up.
Your, and their, wrongs are being talked into your ear and out the other. The farthest screen turns black, and you see Franco in the reflection. His blurred figure is towards you, his panting from the race still evident on him.
It’s difficult to pretend to care about racing right now. It’s not like they say anything different anyway. The rear wings are fucked, the tyres are fucked, the wheel can’t turn, and your head is just in the wrong direction. All the same things said before.
To the driver’s room you go. Q3 starts and you don’t do anything. The TV screen shows the delayed race as the crowd cheers from the opposite sides of the wall. Franco is in danger, with Mercedes finally coming out from the pit—you don’t expect anything more.
After the stretched minutes alone in your room, a knock comes on your door.
You say, “I’ll be out soon, tell James to get some patience,” with your head in your phone. No fucking way you’re going to be dealing with them while you’re still pissed.
The door opened and you grunt. Looking up, Franco was grinning at you.
“I’m also hiding from Jego,” he says, the grin on his face annoying, “can I come in?”
“And we both get caught?” It doesn’t matter what you think, he puts his feet in anyway.
The couch is uncomfortable. If they aren’t spending money on the car, they might as well spend it on the seats. With you laying across the couch, he kneels between your legs. You raise an eyebrow at him as he undresses his fireproof suit.
You ask, “You seriously wanna fuck?” and he laughs.
“¿Me dirás que no? (Will you tell me no?)” he murmurs, getting on top of you with his hips pressing against your ass. “Did you know I placed 6th today?”
“Mhm.”
“No?” He places a kiss on your cheek. “Didn’t watch me? What were you doing in here?”
His lips ghost over your neck, the warmth of his breath sending a small shiver down your fine. You know he felt it when he chuckles in your skin.
“Getting fucked my brains out,” your voice is flat. “What were you doing out there?”
“Ah, amor (love), you won’t get me like that,” he whines and kisses you once in one side. Then twice the other. He says, “You are so mean though, telling me things like this. Do you wish you were with someone else? Hm? ¿No me querés más? (You don’t want me any more?)”
Franco comes up to part your lips open with his tongue. You gasp a little, your arm limp over his back. His mouth wide open, chest pressed against yours, tongue just brushing against your lips, he says—
“Quiero coger. Te quiero comer a besos. Quiero que me hagas tuyo, mi amor. Don’t go making me jealous because you are.” (I want to fuck you. I want to lavish you with kisses. I want you to make me yours, my love)
His hand is gentle on yours, playing on the hem of your pants as his kisses turn wet. Desperate. Loving. It hurts you how careful he is with you when you spent the past hour hating him in your head.
And he’s always so gentle. He always used to ask you if you liked it, his words almost always in Spanish. As if he’s lost in you, he doesn’t know what words to use.
He no longer needs your permission now. A finger rubs between your clothed cunt as his hand pushes your shirt up to hold your tits. He moans more than you, in love with your body.
“So good,” he murmurs, “don’t ever look for anyone else. For me, please?” You moan against his cheek as he focuses on rubbing your clit through your pants. “I can make you feel so good. Amor, I can be yours.”
In moments like this, he’s too drunk on sex to know the words he’s spewing. He reaches for the lube and condom hidden in your desk. His movements are sloppy. You swear he struggles a little in opening the cap up.
He asks you something in Spanish. It’s out of your vocabulary, so you tilt your head.
“I don’t need to prepare you, right? You’re still loose?” You can see his hips grinding against the palm of his hand. His cheeks are flushed, and you see drool coming down his chin. It’s pitiful.
You nod. “Yeah, just give me a bit to adjust if you wanna—fucking hell.” It’s out of your control when you laugh. Franco eagerly shoves his pants down alongside yours.
“What has gotten you so eager?” you ask.
“I got P6,” he smirks. That little fucker.
His cock is rubbered and wet when it enters you. He moans loud as your hand comes to his cheek. It’s catlike, the way he goes soft against your hold.
Shifting slowly, he grinds inside of you. The soft rubbing inside your walls almost has you mewling. But you keep your eyes on him, ignoring the pooling pleasure between your legs.
Telling him, “You’ve been looking at me,” has his lips pouting. “If I didn’t know better, I would say you were in love with me.”
“I am in love with you,” your cheeks flush, and you’re not sure if it’s the sudden thrust of his cock or his words. “I’m in love with the way you race, how you over-perform a dying car, how you move.”
His eyes drop to where you two meet, jittering his hips a little. With the quick thrusts, you’re caught off guard and moaning out his name. He looks very satisfied with it.
“Oh, amor—” his words turn gibberish to you as he starts to move. His pace is uneven, driven by the thought to take you carefully and the urge to bring the both of you to climax. Not a single word is getting into your head.
But his voice is so loving. He’s panting between every other word, lips pouted and eyebrows furrowed. His voice is getting louder, and you put your hand against his mouth.
“Shut - oh, God… Shut up,” you whine, feeling the cockhead rub against your g-spot. “You’re so fucking… good. Just like that, fuck me.”
He shuts up when he goes down to kiss you. Both his arms wrap around you, embracing you as he finds the right angle to make sure you’re still getting stimulated. His hair is rubbing against your clit, the little tickle in them getting you to moan a little louder.
You feel dizzy. It’s not the lack of air during the kiss, you know it. He’s just holding you close to him while he takes you like you’re his lover. Your heart curls in itself, punishing itself for its own stupidity.
But fuck, you want to focus on the now. The way his hands are going up and down your back, soothing you as you get lost in the pace of his thrusts. The way his body towers over you, completely enveloping you in his hold. 
“I’m gonna—” he gasps, his pace barely slowing as you assume he cums inside of you. You whine when he bottoms inside.
Franco knows you. He knows you too well. He grinds inside of you before pulling out. Still, he doesn’t let you think another thought before he’s flicking your clit.
“Shit, fuck, Franco!” he smiles under your silent praise as his other fingers tease at your hole. “I’m gonna cum too. Just like that. Don’t fucking stop.”
He only leans down to spit on your pussy, easing the rub as you’re moving your hips along him. You cum with your back arched and your hips off the couch. His hand stills on your clit as his eyes are fixated on the way cum leaves your pussy.
You drop back down when he places your hips on his lap. “Don’t get it dirty,” he reminds you, tying the condom and throwing it in the bin. “It’s embarrassing to explain to the cleaners.”
His humour comes in at the worst moments. You grunt and he only laughs. “It’s not even funny. You’re just telling the truth.”
“It’s funnier in Spanish,” he promises.
You think about how it probably sounds just about the same.
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🗒 𝗣𝗔𝗣𝗘𝗥 𝗧𝗥𝗔𝗜𝗟 . . . first time writing for bro ! i'm so open to writing more of him so i added him in my taglist options, so if you wanna be tagged for future fics of him 👀 you know what to do . if you already sent me a form before , you can resend another with him included ! anyways , fixing up the next few fics soon . ˎˊ˗ ᝰ. ──── 📨 @delululeclerc @hiireadstuff
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you support me best on tumblr with reblogs and comments ! ── by andcars ⟡
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cosmicdahlias · 2 days
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I Hate Everything About You
a ford x reader fic
MINORS DNI
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warnings: slut-shaming, slapping, oral, rough sex, choking, breeding, drugs (weed)
this is my first stab at an enemies to lovers fic. i’ve always loved the trope, so this was a lot of fun. i also definitely didn’t include them smorkig weed because i’m like missing it and living vicariously through my writing or anything. 👀💦
You sat in your dorm finishing your homework. You were in your junior year at Backupsmore University with a major in theoretical physics, winter break was two weeks away. Tonight you were on edge, dreading a knock on the door. The reason? You had been assigned to write a research paper with Stanford fucking Pines.
Oh my god how you hated him. Success and praise flocked to him. You were the only feminine presenting person in your major, and thus had to fight tooth and nail to be seen as even half as good as your male classmates.
It drove you mad how professors just seemed to naturally love him, whereas they never showed you the time of day. And worst of all? He was arrogant and self-absorbed. He thought himself so much better than the other- in his words- “troglodytes” around him.
But what you hated the most was how attracted to him you were. How could you want to fuck someone so badly when you hated their guts? You always tried to repress your feelings, but some nights you still shamefully found yourself with your hand between your legs, thoughts running wild of Stanford using you like a sex toy.
You quietly seethed over your homework when you heard knocking at your door. You sighed heavily and pushed your chair back, savoring your last Stanford free moments.
You swung the door open and there stood the man that you despised more than everything.
“Stanford.” You said coldly.
“Y/n.” He responded, not even entertaining the idea of making eye contact with you, looking like he wanted to be anywhere else.
-
Barely an hour had passed before you two found yourselves locked in a heated argument. A simple disagreement over formatting had boiled over.
“Jesus christ, Stanford why do you have to make everything so fucking difficult?”
“I’M making things difficult? I’m not the one who’s been shooting daggers all night, barely responding to my questions because apparently talking to me is like pulling teeth. What the hell did I ever do to make you hate me this much?”
“Oh you really wanna know why I hate you? Maybe it has something to do with the fact that professors fawn over you for the most menial effort, meanwhile I’ve had to work myself to the bone, slaving away just to earn half the recognition you barely have to lift a finger for.” You spat.
“Well maybe if you kept your legs closed every now and then this wouldn’t be nearly as hard as you make it.”
Hot tears formed in your eyes, you quickly raised a hand and brought it down hard on his face. He stumbled back, his cheeks turning bright red and not from the slap. You looked down, a bulge clearly forming in his pants.
“Fuck, that’s hot.” You thought, quickly growing angrier that he had managed to turn you on like this.
“For fuck’s sake Stanford, are you serious?” You said through gritted teeth.
“I- well I- it’s not like I can help it. I’ve never been slapped before.”
You stared at each other for a moment, the sexual tension building.
“Look,” he pinched the bridge of his nose in exasperation “it’s clear we both have some underlying feelings for each other, perhaps it would be for the best if we-“
“Whoa whoa whoa,” you said, cutting him off “maybe you do, but I certainly don’t.”
“Oh please, don’t lie to yourself. I catch you staring at me during lectures all the time, undressing me with your eyes, nothing anywhere like the malice you so pretended to demonstrate tonight. Admit it, you like me. Despite aaaaaall of your personal hangups about my successes, you genuinely have feelings for me.” He said, crossing his arms.
He let his words hang in the air, a smirk creasing his lips. God, he was such a dick.
“Now,” he continued “I was going to say I think it would be best if we just put this to bed, literally.”
“Stanford, no I-“ the blush on your cheeks betrayed you.
He chuckled, tilting your chin up. “I knew it, you want this.”
He pressed a firm kiss to your lips. He was right, you did want this. You’d be lying to yourself if you said you hadn’t imagined him between your thighs during class. You reached a hand down, fondling his cock over his pants.
“Mmm, fuck.” He groaned into your mouth.
You both began removing each other’s clothes desperately. He looked down at your naked body, his breath shaking. He took your breast in his hand, stroking your nipple with his thumb.
“Do you know the things those brutes in class say about you, about your body? When you walk into the room every man fucks you with their eyes, but you like it that way, don’t you?”
You took his thick cock in your hand and stroked it, he moaned and buried his head in the crook of your neck. He pulled himself away then pointed to the floor. You sank to your knees in front of him and wrapped your fingers around his cock again, pumping the near 8.5 inches in your hand. He tilted his head back, groaning and cursing.
“Put my cock in your mouth, baby.”
You went to slowly take his head in your mouth, but he seized a fistful of your hair and shoved the full length down your throat. You choked and gagged.
“You know I was thinking of being nice, but honestly I think you deserve to be brutally fucked after the way you’ve been acting. How does that sound, princess?”
You nodded with his cock buried in your mouth.
“Good, although honestly I was planning on doing it regardless.”
He gritted his teeth and resumed bucking furiously into your mouth. You to whimpered and gagged around him, tears streaming down your face.
“You’re my little slut now, you understand?”
You let out a muffled “Mhmf.”
“Look at you, letting me fuck your mouth like this. Do you let anyone else do this to you?”
He pulled out to let you answer. “No.”
He shoved his cock back in your mouth. “Let’s keep it that way. I’m not big on- mmf, sharing. I always figured the rumors of you being the campus whore weren’t true. You have too much self respect for that, but I bet you’re so dirty when you’re alone. Picturing me fucking you in every position, touching yourself and cumming with my name on your lips.”
He quickened pace, fucking your mouth rapidly in pure aggression. He growled and his hips stuttered, he was going to cum in your mouth if he kept going like this. He pulled you back by your hair and you took in a gasping breath. He didn’t give you a chance to breathe before picking you up and throwing you facedown on the bed.
He knelt behind you, slapping your ass hard a few times. “There, now I think we’re even.”
His hands pinned your wrists to the bed and he teased your entrance for barely even a second before slamming every inch inside you. You struggled to hold back a loud moan, trying to not let the whole floor know that you were getting absolutely wrecked.
He growled and moved his hands to your hips, fucking you so hard that it felt like his cock was going to split you in half.
“I have a confession to make, y/n.” He breathed between violent thrusts into you. “I saw you, two weeks ago, in the library. You didn’t see me, you leaned down to select a book off the lowest shelf and I could see your panties under your skirt. Pink with black lace. God I- I couldn’t resist, not after watching you eye me up in class. I found a quiet part of the library and stroked my cock to the thought of you.”
He picked up his pace, the slaps of his hips meeting your ass only aroused you more. “When our professor announced the assignment I knew I had to have you. I went and spoke to him after class and convinced him to pair you up with me. And now look at you, taking my cock like the whore you are, just like I knew you would.”
You gripped the sheets in your fingers as he pounded you into the mattress. Jesus fucking christ the idea of him getting worked up because of you was enough to fuel your masturbation fantasies for months. The thought of him stroking himself- in public no less- just because he saw your panties, good god you were going to savor that image in your mind forever.
He flipped you over on your back, kissing you deeply. His hands found your hips and pulled you onto his cock, resuming his aggressive rhythm.
“I love the feeling of fucking you from behind, but I need to see those eyes.”
He slid his hand to your throat, gripping it tightly. You choked out a weak moan and the corners of your vision started to turn to black static.
“God you’re gonna make me fucking cum. I want you to look in my eyes as I breed you, princess.”
He pounded faster and faster, savoring every moan and whimper that passed your lips. You dug your nails into his back causing his cock to twitch and throb, edging him closer by the second to cumming inside you.
“Look into my eyes, look into my eyes as I cum in you.” He demanded.
The sight of your doe eyes looking back at him was what did it. His brutally fast pace faltered and his breathing hitched and as he felt himself release deep in you, his hot cum coating your walls. He moaned your name loudly.
He panted, exhausted and collapsed beside you, trying to catch his breath. You were about to kiss him when he started making his way down your body.
“Stanford what are you-“
“Finishing the job, I’m not about to leave you unsatisfied like some kind of neanderthal would, I’m better than that.” He muttered.
You rolled your eyes, there he goes being arrogant as usual.
He took your clit in his mouth, you reached a hand down and buried it in his hair. He hummed against you, tongue lapping at your delicate nub.
“So desperate for me, aren’t you?” He teased.
“Nnnngh, Stanford.”
He looked up at you and chuckled. “Please, call me Ford.”
He slipped two fingers inside you, curling them against your g-spot. You arched your back instinctively and he held you in place by your hips.
“Getting close already are we?”
“Mmh, I can’t help it, you’re too good at this.”
“Surprisingly research goes a long way. It’s amazing what certain books can teach you.” He said with a devilish smile.
“You fucking nerd, I didn’t say you could stop.” You tightened your grip on his hair and pushed him against your clit, he let out a little “hmf”.
You rocked your hips against his tongue, feeling yourself tip over the edge.
“Ahh hah, oh Ford.”
Your orgasm shook you, hitting you hard. All you could do was focus on your breathing. Ford watched you intently, god you looked so perfect when you came.
He moved himself up on the bed, coming behind you and wrapping an arm around your waist, spooning you.
Goddammit, you really thought you were going to just bottle up your feelings for Ford until the day you died, but here you were in post coital bliss with him pressed against you.
-
The conflicting feelings of fucking the classmate you thought you despised moments ago started to weigh on you, you needed to take the edge off. You rolled out of Ford’s arms and off the bed, his eyes following you. You dug around in your bedside drawer pulling out a small baggie and a glass pipe.
You packed the bowl and flicked the lighter, taking in a long drag. You let out a cloud of smoke and sighed heavily before laying back down next to Ford, who was still watching you. You raised an eyebrow.
“What is it six fingers?”
“Nothing, I just-“
“Lemme guess, those anti drug psa’s really got to you as a kid.”
He looked away, embarrassed.
You rolled your eyes again. “Jesus, you really are a fucking nerd. Here.”
You handed the pipe to him, he took it in his hand, studying it for a second before flicking the lighter taking a deep inhale, you watched him hold his breath and couldn’t help but laugh.
“Dude, holding it doesn’t do anything, breathe.” You snorted.
He took gasping breath and let out a hacking cough, smoke coming out of his nose.
“That’s what they- ack- always do in the movies.” He wheezed.
“For the love of god, you really need to get out more.”
You passed the pipe back and forth for a good while, talking about random shit. By the end of it you were both sufficiently stoned.
You quickly learned that Ford was very affectionate when he was high, he pulled you close against him, nuzzling the back of your neck, peppering your skin with kisses. He traced the curves of your body with his fingers.
“You know, I was starting to think you genuinely hated me.” He murmured into your neck.
You let out a long sigh. “Ford don’t think I ever actually hated you, I envy you. Everything seems to come so easy to you, almost naturally. Your professors love you and- I don’t know- it was just hard not to feel a twinge of jealousy. Like this college wasn’t even my first choice, everywhere else rejected me and I still have to bust my ass just to be seen as being worth anyone’s time.”
Ford took a breath and exhaled deeply. “BMU wasn’t exactly what I had planned on either, I mean, remember what they said at orientation? This is no one’s first choice. My dream school was West Coast Tech, but things… fell through.”
He paused, you could tell there was weight to that last part, memories too painful to say aloud. You didn’t pry.
“Y/n, I want you to understand it hasn’t been easy for me either. I’ve had to work twice as hard just to make something of myself at a school with nonexistent educational standards.”
You felt a pang of guilt for ever assuming this was in any way easy for him. You turned to him, holding his face in your hands and kissing him deeply.
He broke away. “You know I was thinking we could grab coffee in the morning before heading to the library to work on our paper together. I- if you want, that is.” He looked away, nervous.
You smiled and kissed him again. “I’d like that.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
You laid your head on his chest and he wrapped his arms around you, kissing your forehead. His breathing deepened as he began to fall asleep. You soon felt your eyelids grow heavy, following Ford into slumber.
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biancasreign · 3 days
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STAYING HOME (SHORT) | JEY USO
summary: jey’s the biggest baby when he’s sick
warnings: none
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“Yeah girl, I’m gonna have to pass on lunch.”
“No worries sissy. I understand you wanna take care of your man! Just text me later so I can tell you the tea.” Her close friend, Nicole told her.
“I got you sis.”
After getting off the phone with Nicole she went to the fridge and instantly pull out the items to make a soup. She didn’t know what it was but Jey came down with something that made him extremely sick.
All last night he was throwing up, sweating, and sneezing like crazy. It drove her crazy not knowing what was wrong with him. All night she found herself dozing in and out of sleep, checking in him to make sure he was okay and still breathing.
When she work up this morning she spoke with a nurse to figure out what could’ve possibly been wrong with him. After listing his symptoms is was clear he had some kind of seasonal virus that was going around.
He rarely got sick but when he did he was the biggest baby in the world. He would stay in bed all day and hold Whitney right up under him.
Gathering the items for the soup she instantly started cooking so it would be done sooner than later. She made sure to add the extra spiciness the way they liked it and then started on the dumplings.
“Mmh, this is so good.” She danced to herself as she tasted the soup and then scooped some in the bowl for Jey. She then poured him a cup of lemon honey ginger tea and made her way upstairs.
When she got to their bedroom she placed the bowl and the cup down on the dresser and walked over to the bed where Jey was sprawled out. The room was freezing cold but his body was still hot due to his fever.
“Sweet face, wake up.” She called out to him a sage placed the food on the night stand and opened the blinds to let some light in.
“Baby close that.” He sucked his teeth and pulled the cover over his head to block the sunlight.
“Jey, come on.” She sat down on the bed, rubbing small circles into his back.
“Hmm?” He moved his head from under the comforter while adjusting his body to face her.
“Eat for me and you can go back to sleep. I made you some soup and tea.” She ran her hands through his small curls as he laid his head in her lap.
“I thought you were going out for lunch?” He asked.
“No, I gotta take care of my baby.”
“You don’t gotta do that. Go out with your girls.” He told her but she ignored him and picked up the humidifier so she could change the water in it.
As she did he grabbed the bowl off the dresser and instantly began eating it. If there was one thing Whitney could do it was cook her ass off. He loved all of her cooking especially when he was sick.
“How is it?”
“You know it’s good baby.” He licked his lips.
“Good, how do you feel? You look way better than yesterday.” She asked as she sat down on the bed next to him.
“Damn, I looked fucked up yesterday?” He sucked his teeth and turned to face her.
“Just a little bit.” She giggled.
“You’re not right for that. I couldn’t fucking breathe. He narrowed his eyes are her.
“Well you didn’t want to drink the tea. I bet you’ll drink it all now. It cleared your sinuses right out after I forced it down your throat.”
“That’s how you’re gonna treat me when we’re old, huh? Abusing me and shit?” He took the tea from her as she busted out laughing at how dramatic he was being.
“Hmm, maybe. You can be difficult sometimes we might have to send you to a nursing home.” She laughed once she saw the expression on his face.
“Yeah fucking right. You’ll be real upset when I find a young thang to take care of me.”
“And I’ll beat both of y’all asses. Old or not.” She pursed her lips at him. No longer thinking it was funny.
“Babe, you’re a trip.” He shook his head at her.
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tag list: @bebesobrielo @trentybenty @amandairene88 @kiki1704 @paigereeder @uceyliyahh
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Ass Play - Logan Howlett x ftm!Reader
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A/N: MORE HYBRID!READER!!! Also, sorry for the ending, I was in a rush to get this out on time. This is meant as a companion piece to Asshole, but can be read on its own
Let me know if I missed any warnings
CW: smut; explicit sexual content; Reader is a canine mutant; Reader is in heat; Reader is called pup and mutt; Reader’s parts are referred to as dick and hole; rimming; ass licking; ass play; ass fingering (idk what this is called lol); multiple orgasms; lube is used!; penetrative sex; fingering; fr what is it called when someone pushes their cum back into you?; fluffy ending; cuddling; literal petting; no aftercare; falling asleep
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You’re shaking with excitement. Well, really, your tail is wagging so hard the rest of you is shaking.
You’re all ready on the bed for him. Face down, hole dripping, ass in the air. Any other hybrid mutant would be able to tell in an instant that you’re waiting to be fucked.
It doesn’t help that you’re on the last day of your heat. You can feel it still smoldering inside you. A low burning fire of need.
You’re sure Logan can smell it in you. Can tell that you’re dying for his dick. Yet, he just grips your hips, positioning you just right. It’s absolutely maddening.
“Come on, Logan,” you whine. “Stop messing around. I need you.”
“Be quiet, pup.” His voice is gruff but not mean. “You’ll take what I give you.”
You whimper and bury your face in his pillows. Tail still wagging. You can’t help it. You’ve been planning this for almost two days. Buying the necessary things and watching videos on what to do.
Finally, Logan seems to move. He spreads your ass cheeks, running his thumb over your puckered hole. You whine and shiver, the touch alone sparking heat in your gut.
The first lap of his tongue against your ass has you moaning. You bite down hard against the pillow to keep from whimpering as he drags his tongue over your asshole. Probing at it with the tip and circling the rim.
It feels delightful. The warmth and wetness just adding to the feeling. You squirm a bit, trying to press back into his touch.
Logan growls softly and grips your tail, using it to keep you still. “Calm down, pup. Haven’t even gotten to working you open and you’re eager as a puppy.”
You whine and let go of the pillow, lifting your head to look back at him. “But Logan… it feels so good!”
He pushes your head back down into the pillows. “You’re not listening to me, pup, and bad dogs don’t get their rewards.”
That shuts you up. You sigh and settle yourself back down.
After a few moments, Logan goes back to licking at your asshole. You bite the pillow again to stifle your moans, gripping the sheets tightly under you.
He continues to eat your ass, slowly working his tongue inside. He grips your thighs, grumbling out a quiet, “Loosen up, pup. You’re too tight.”
You relax as best you can, helping him in further. It’s difficult when your toes are curling with pleasure and your head is getting fuzzy. Maybe it’s your heat, but you swear you’ve never felt this good before.
It’s not long before you cum, soaking your thighs with slick. Logan rumbles appreciatively and pulls back. “You ready for my dick, pup?”
Your tail springs to life, wagging so eagerly you almost hit him in the face with it. “Yes, yes, yes!”
Logan chuckles and goes to grab something from the nightstand. You keep your face pressed to the pillows, the anticipation building inside you.
He returns with a bottle. A few moments go by before something cold drips against your asshole. Logan smears it around, using his fingers to spread what you assume is lube around your asshole. He dips a finger in, slowly working you open.
You make a ridiculous sound, pressing back eagerly. You can’t help yourself. It feels good.
Logan fingers your ass for a little while, making you cum for a second and then third time.
By your fourth orgasm, he finally takes out his cock. He slides it between your thighs, coating it in your slick. Then he rubs the tip against your asshole, waiting until you’re whimpering in anticipation before pushing it in.
It’s a tight fit, your ass squeezing him even tighter than your hole. You moan into the pillows, feeling full in a whole new way.
Your dick throbs with need and your fingers snake down to rub at it. Logan smacks your hand away, moving to replace it with his own. He rubs you torturously slow, timing it perfectly with his thrusts.
He’s panting, groaning, muttering filthy things about how perfectly tight you are and about all the things he wants to do to you. You just take what he gives you, your mind a fuzzy haze.
The way his dick rubs against the walls of your ass is intoxicating. And when his fingers dip inside your hole, you feel so full. The squelch from your ass and hole is filthy. The sound louder than it’s ever been.
You cum, and you cum hard. Your vision blurs, your head spinning with pleasure. You can barely think, so lost you just moan helplessly.
With a grunt and growl from Logan, warmth fills your ass. Spilling out as he slowly pulls out. You groan when he stuffs it back in, hole clenching as he grumbles out, “Gotta keep you nice and full.”
You just go boneless on the bed, letting him climb in and pull you to him. You nuzzle into his side, tail giving a few shaky wags. “That… was amazing…”
Logan chuckles, sounding as breathless as you. “Yeah, pup. I knew you’d like it. Dirty mutt like you.”
You bury your face in his chest with a groan. “No more… My body aches…”
Logan laughs, but strokes your head, petting your fluffy ears fondly. “Alright. No more.”
You both relax, just basking in each other’s comfort. It feels nice, and it’s not long before you're falling into sleep.
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queerbratsummer · 11 months
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carefulfears · 11 days
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we've both talked about how scully isn't jealous fire. what differences do you see between protective scully vs jealous scully?
yeah to me the main difference is that one is more external and the other internal. she gets very emotional when she’s jealous. in episodes like alpha (literally sitting that woman down and going “i’m watching you.” cracks me tf up. Dana nobody is taking your man.) and war of the coprophages, it’s kind of angry. it’s louder, but still something very vulnerable and true to her (hater-ism). in episodes like the end, it’s heartbreak. that’s one of the very few episodes where i think she was purely jealous, and sad. she usually understands what’s going on and i think she knew as soon as she heard him call diana by her first name that something was going to change. i think it hurt her feelings, that specific display of connection, usually reserved for her.
when she’s jealous she retreats. she watches quietly. she cries alone in her car. she needs a moment to herself.
it’s when she’s protective that you can’t shake her for anything. one of my favorite images in fire is her standing in the doorway while mulder and phoebe meet with the arson specialist. i didn’t even notice she was there the first time i saw it. she wasn’t invited. she’s just keeping watch. later, she’s standing in the hallway. after that, she’s in his hotel room, and doesn’t leave when phoebe comes in. says “are you okay?” the moment they’re alone.
people write off her behavior in this one as being “jealous” because she has a lil crush and there’s another woman there, but i honestly find that dismissive. sometimes people discuss scully through such a wide lens, not taking into account who she is. she’s really surprised throughout the time that phoebe was there. it’s that soft edge that still shocks to cruelty, that she never really loses. it’s what shocks in the pilot when the doctor hits mulder twice. what shocks in the following episode when the government agents punch him on the side of the road. (look at you you’ve radicalized scully). it’s what makes her wary of jerry lamana, even before he stole mulder’s work.
but phoebe is so cruel, and so personal, and has so much history. it’s not jealousy that makes scully linger in doorways. it’s not jealousy that spawns that folie a deux. no one else understands. no one else can be trusted. (which i do kind of think started in fire, i’ve said before). she isn’t jealous that he startles when he hears this woman’s voice.
and i know that’s a lot on phoebe as an example, but it doesn’t stop. she doesn’t stop keeping watch. she doesn’t stop shocking to cruelty. she’ll get loud. she’ll make plans. she’ll surprise herself. and it doesn’t come with jealousy’s mortifying intimacy.
(don’t have much else to say but i found this from an old post of mine and wanted to share: “scully has that kind of protectiveness towards him that you have towards a child that hasn't been touched by the world yet. it's very 'the world is at least half terrible, though i keep this from my children.’ 'good bones' by maggie smith. scully in the beginning is like......there is something here that should have broken by now. and she wants to watch him be able to walk into every room with the most hopeful answer and a hand out to every stranger.”)
she shares him with the world only reluctantly, Etc etc
#she wants people to be kind to him and it breaks her over and over#i’m still not very With It but i wanted to talk about this for a sec#i do think scully’s protectiveness is a much larger topic#i think it’s a huge source of harm for her#i think it’s a constant failure to her#i think it’s a endless cycle of wanting to absorb him whole or lock him up and shut the gate and then feeling bad. regretting it.#huge plot of iwtb / msi#it almost develops from that initial s1 jumpiness of just wanting people to not fucking beat him down#into knowing that everything does. everything will.#could they ever recover from her exiling him from being with their child because she was afraid it would kill him? i don’t know#the other thing that i’ve been thinking about a lot with this is that she’s guarding something most people don’t see#this world is so cruel to him. it’s insane to rewatch and see how carelessly people just want to see if they can shake him#and this world desperately wants to beat this kind of gentle vulnerability out of people#and it would be easier for scully if they did. she wouldn’t spend her days with a weeping wound. she wouldn’t be so anxious. so on guard#but she is unwaveringly dedicated to the much more difficult task of protecting something that’s very precious to her#i do think these qualities in her are extremely moving in that respect#and i love scully’s judgmental hater-ism#i just do also think it becomes a pathology for her in some ways#anyway those are some loose threads#asks#fire#‘For long hours on his couch that night#autopsy hands on his head#in his hair#she'd thought about what it would mean to hide him away.#Thought about what it would mean to steal and stash him like fairy treasure#to draw protective rings.’#(audries ‘throat eye and knucklebone’)
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edwinisms · 3 months
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#this question is very hard for me to answer so obviously I have to torment everyone else with it#cause like. like I can really see the potential in either answer. both are feasible#I will say. most realistically. to me. edwin first charles harder#because I think…..I think the reasoning behind the other way around usually tends to be about how edwin absolutely was slower to bond and#open up in general whereas charles hit the ground fucking running#but i don’t think that particularly applies to their romantic relationship#if you mean ‘fell for’ in a general sense rather than a romantic one then yes 100%#but that’s not what im talking about here#I have a few different reasons but generally I think edwin fell first because like… the way he attached himself to charles and accepted him#as his person and etc is so unlike him to do with literally anyone- especially at the point where they first met/the first years they knew#each other. charles just seems to have hit him as something very very special and irreplaceable quite quickly for him to open up the way he#did and change and flourish into a fully realized person because of how safe and worthy charles made him feel#he took to charles with an unusual amount of ease and trust and I think that says something about how charles struck his heart Early#whereas with charles… yes on one hand he did stay on the mortal plane largely because of edwin and absolutely would’ve been impacted by the#tender act of mercy that was edwin reading to him as he died so he wouldn’t be scared. that’s absolutely what got him to trust edwin and to#want to be with him and protect him and so on#but charles would still do that and be like that under intense platonic circumstances I think#but most importantly I just think charles fell harder. when he fell is less important to me here- more important is that by GOD that boy is#down so fucking bad and outright SAYS IT in so many ways that he doesn’t realize– the sheer amount he restates how he’s content so long as#he’s with edwin. how he doesn’t want to be anywhere where edwin can’t follow. would and Did go to hell and back for him. believes him#to be the kindest and most incredible person he’s ever met. prioritizes him above anything and everything. etc etc etc#that’s not to say edwin doesn’t feel a similar amount of devotion– but charles just. really loves him with his whole person. loves him as a#fact of his existence and a piece of his very soul#idk man. it just feels like he is so incredibly smitten and he doesn’t even know it.#like I said though I can see both options and give reasons for both options so this question EATS at me I GENUINELY don’t have a super#strong feeling either is absolutely correct. it’s so difficult to answer they’re both so smitten and have such a history and GRAHHHH#payneland#dead boy detectives#rambling#polls
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iinryer · 11 months
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#said it in the tags of the marjan tk carlos doodle I posted but. feeling very unsure about how i will be engaging w ls moving forward#still very much support most of the cast and I do enjoy this silly show#but it’s difficult coming to terms w the fact that their golden boy is a nationalist and zionist#just so unbelievably disappointing and depressing to see#so unless some personal views make some drastic corrections sometime soon im going to be engaging differently than before#i don’t know what that looks like yet. bc i know there are people who still deserve the love#but it’s frustrating to see. i wish it wasn’t the case but if he wants to make this bed he can lay in it and deal w the concequences#i also apologize for wording this kind of vaguely I just don’t know how to be eloquent about it#but for clarity: im genuinely nauseated by the shit ronen has been posting#and I fucking hope he finds his sense but shit dude.#this isn’t about boohoo an actor I liked has bad views#it’s about having a moral fucking backbone and a shred of dignity and critical thought before spreading genocidal propaganda#to your massive audience#so#anyways#i felt like it was important to at least address my position bc silence is not an option with shit like this#and also it’s been making me feel physically unwell since I first saw it and i think I needed to get it off my chest lol#viva palestine. now and forever. no caveats. no ifs ands or buts#iinryer talk#also sorry for making this an all tags post but this isn’t up for discussion. so.
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bo0zey · 2 years
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when gerard way said “when i grow up i want to be nothing at all” i felt those words in my gdamn soul bro
#cried alone in my car parked in my driveway for like 17 minutes#i feel so hopeless and useless and stupid so so so stupid i’ll never be smart enough like the other nurses#i can’t fucking think im too slow i don’t know anything#it’s the emergency room and god for fucking bid i have an emergent patient i don’t know wtf to do ever#i don’t know how to initiate protocols or contact interdisciplinary or put in complex orders i don’t know anything i’m so useless#everyone thinks i’m stupid i’ve been on orientation for like 2 months know and i’m still the same useless stupid novice airhead new grad#i just get so frazzled i feel like everyone expects so much out of me and i have to be perfect to meet their standards#but im stupid im subpar im not good enough like them like#ever if they’ve been nurses for years and i’ve only been working as one for legit 2 months it’s just i still don’t know how to do anything#it’s like i can’t think i don’t do things how they want me to do them and then i look stupid im the attending doctor thinks i’m so dumb but#she wouldn’t even hear me out like i know you want both fluids running i know it’s important but he only has.1 IV and they aren’t compatible#we’re trying to start a second IV and he had difficult veins like why are you trying to tell me i’m stupid i know why you ordered it thatway#it’s like nobody gets my dumbass brain but that’s not their fault bc they can think clearly and convey their thoughts to people without#sounding like a fucking dumbass i have no critical thinking skills im just useless i hate this so much i don’t want to be here it sucks#i never wanted to be a nurse i never wanted to be anything i was 12 years old hoping i’d be dead by 18#and now i’m 23 and i’m still fucking here but it’s clear i shouldn’t be i don’t fit in im not fit for society#i should be euthanized like an unwanted dog that’s been at the shelter for too long that’s exactly what i am#20min later still crying can’t stop being a fucking crybaby pitypartying myself i’m the worst oh my god grow the fuck up already#why is everything so difficult for me why can’t i just fit in literally everyone knows i don’t belong#i’m the dumbest most useless new grad orientee and EVERYONE knows it even management it’s so embarrassing#i’m so embarrassed to be alive and take up space that could be filled by someone so much better smarter prepared someone meant to be there#i don’t want this i don’t want any of this i never wanted to grow up im just a kid in my head i’m so pathetic#i wish i was smart and good at something i wish people looked at me and thought o wow i respect her bc she’s also a good nurse#nobody likes me i’m such a burden to everyone the doctors my preceptors other nurses who deserve to be there#i’m leaking snot everywhere today wasn’t even that bad but i think it’s all just hitting me now how helpless i am#i’m so tired of myself and waking up and making a fool of myself every shift fucking stupid loser i hate myself i try so hard and it’s not#it’s not enough it’s never enough im not enough im an imposter i’ll never be as good as the other nurses even tho i’m really really trying#i seriously don’t want to do this anymore i don’t want to be here i can’t do it everyone knows i’m not cut out for this they all talk shit#ramblings
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heartbreakfeelsogood · 6 months
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#i do not want to work tomorrow i want to lay in bed and be sad#i’m really realizing how miserable of a person i am i am always fucking Sad and when i do feel happy i cry when it’s over#and i can’t even resemble a human being without medication and i know that’s fine but i’m still always sad. it doesn’t go away#i feel like nobody deserves to have me weighing them down like i’ve cried in front of people three times this week and i know it’s fine#but i feel so fucking guilty about it and i feel guilty about everything i feel like i’m doing nothing right and i’m not dealing with thing#right and i’m not living right and i feel like it must be so fucking difficult to love me and i don’t know how people do it#i don’t even feel capable of asking for. any sort of love ever#i feel like i don’t deserve like anything. i feel like nobody actually wants to do things for me lol#every single dsy i’m like wow i want to be held and every single dsy i feel bad even asking for a hug from someone#when i need reassurance i’m afraid to ask because what if i’m just being annoying and overbearing and too much Bad#i never feel like too much good. only bad.#i know a lot of these shitty thoughts are just because i’ve been unmedicated (meds will be ready tomorrow lol) but it just like#it sucks to know medication just kinda hides these thoughts better and that deep down i feel like this because i don’t want to#i feel like everyone in my life doesn’t deserve someone who doubts everything all the time#i think my mother deserved a stronger daughter and i think my friends deserve someone that’s not always breaking and i just don’t feel Good#i don’t know why anyone keeps me around#sometimes i feel selfish for sticking around and that sounds so awful and i’m not gonna act on it but i just feel like a waste of a person#the last week has been so good and now i’m just a fucking mess and i feel so fucking guilty about that :)#i feel like no matter what i always just default to miserable#i don’t feel like i’m doing enough at all#i’m struggling in school i don’t work enough i can barely take care of myself#like i wouldn’t even properly take care of myself if taylor wasn’t helping me i feel so guilty about that all the time#i feel so guilty for even thinking any of this right now and i’m trying to remind myself that i’m unmedicated and i’ve had a long day#and my best fucking friend just went back home and i’m allowed to be sad about that but i just. feel like i’m making excuses i guess#it’s not immoral to be sad but maybe when i’m wanting to die all the time i’m the problem. idk#anyway i’m gonna go to sleep and i’m gonna try to convince myself tomorrow will be better#sndnsksjkakejdkalwosjhdkwosjdjsk. i will be fine
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lavender-femme · 10 months
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#don’t mind me I’m just having a night™️#i hate living with my dad more often than not#the only consistent pro is not paying rent#which I only get because every time I ask him what he wants me to pay him he gets all kinds of passive aggressive#I got roped into being his caretaker post knee replacement just because I’m here#and he can’t be bothered to treat me with half as much respect as he does his numerous girlfriends who treat him like shit#I’m so so so tired of doing every fucking thing around here#i haven’t done laundry because I’ve been in too much pain#i haven’t done dishes because I’ve been in too much pain#so of course the sink is overflowing and his laundry just sits downstairs because he ‘doesn’t want to’#the knee replacement hasn’t even happened yet#and I just know I’m going to end up doin every goddamn thing around this house even more#doesn’t matter that I am in a shit ton of pain and can’t even properly treat it#doesn’t matter that I might be having a difficult time with my mental health#doesn’t fucking matter !! he doesn’t want to do something now so I can end up doing it later#just thinking about how he and my uncle joked about ‘if you do it wrong enough times you stop getting asked to do it’#about dishes and laundry and shit#and that is so fucking disgusting to laugh about#especially when you literally put everything off so your kid can do it despite you being perfectly capable#and then refusing help when you actually do something#I’m just so fucking annoyed#i am in so much pain and all I asked was for one thing#doesn’t matter that I’m using my limited gas to drive him to and from the hospital tomorrow#or that I’m the one who went out and found him crutches#or that I’m the one who told him to think of some meals for the week since he’ll be recovering and I’ll be cooking them and then he refused#Fuck#I’m just so exhausted#and i I have to wake up super fucking early#i wanna bury my face in a butches chest and never come out#it’s fine I’m fine everything is fine
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I actually really fucking hate how anything in my schedule not going the way I initially Intended For It To just automatically makes me a massive fucking crybaby and or a raging bitch. Like dude. The grocery store does not hate me. It sucks that my schedule requires me to get there an hour earlier no matter what but like. They didn’t do that to me. Why am I always so upset whenever I have to change plans. I change plans too! I’m a living person!!! Why am I so fucking upset about this!!!!!!
#personal#im gonna delete this later I’m just venting#I’m also fine I’m just having a rough day and I can’t figure out why my emotions have been so fucking volatile. It’s so frustrating that#I can’t figure out how to get a handle on my emotions. I know I need to feel things but the problem is if I let myself feel them too much#Then I’m going to spiral or lash out at some random bystander and both of these make the initial feeling worse#I just can’t pull myself out of that quickly enough recently. It’s not an issue of ability bc I can. I just can’t do it.#wait that’s contradictory. I’ve been really struggling too recently. There we go. There’s accuracy.#Either way. Didn’t I spend all year in therapy last year trying to get this shit together? What the fuck.#Why is it the second I show a modicum of progress I immediately hit a single pebble on the road and get sent ass over teakettle#Progress isn’t linear but it also sure as hell isn’t meant to be a time loop. That I’m pretty sure of.#God everything’s just been so difficult this year. Shit that used to be almost instinctual to me now is a nightmare.#Maybe it’s growing pains and I guess that’s valid but how long do I have to have them#The good news is that thus far I have not snapped at anyone so at least right now we don’t have any casualties of my bad attitude#I feel so bad being so worried about that but like seriously no one needs me to be snapping at them. Even if I feel catharsis in the moment#We all feel bad immediately afterwards#It’s literally not even been a bad day today. I cannot emphasize how this has been the only problem today. Literally so much good happened#Ugh#dont look at me
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placeinthisworld · 1 year
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sluttyten · 2 years
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Now I sit in my room anxiously for the next hour and a half waiting for tickets to go on sale, and then I drive anxiously across town too
#like fuck I’m nervous and I need to eat something but I’m nervous and that makes it difficult#also I fucking hate making plans with people that I don’t know all that well 😭😭 like yeah I know them at work but not outside of work#and also going places I’ve never been before?? to do things that I don’t do?? the social anxiety has my belly in knots#and then….. I have to show my parents that I pierced my nose and I think that’s my biggest fear about all of this#number one fear actually: not getting tickets#number two fear: me coming home with my nose pierced and having to tell them#I just got home from work and saw my dad was home and was like oh shit bc when I leave I’m gonna have to offer an explanation#but like once I have the tickets purchased then like 🤷🏻‍♀️ what’s my mom gonna do tell me that we’re not going#also like everyone keeps telling me I’m a grown ass adult and I can make these decisions myself#I wonder if everyone at work could see how nervous I was and how increasingly throughout the day I’ve been getting like more nervous and#more quiet but like I feel like it’s equal parts ticket sale anxiety and doing something out of the ordinary that my parents might not#approve of while I live under their roof and all that#but on the bright side my dad just left to go do something so maybe he won’t be back before I leave and I’ll just be like hey I’m leaving#um and I’m getting my nose pierced but I’ll be back soon!!#also though like a source of my anxiety right now is that I have to go pick up one of the people I’m going with and I’ve never been alone#with him not that I mean that in a bad way just an anxious way like I’m awkward as fuck#and the other girl who was maybe going with us didn’t work with us today and she seemed a lil hesitant about it and then I texted her about#what time I’m planning on going and she hasn’t responded but I’m pretty sure she read it#anyway I’m literally like buzzing with anxiety right now over getting tickets first and foremost#ALSO I’m supposed to be getting something from Amazon today and it’s not here yet plus I’m waiting on a trade to get here and I just want#it all to just be here
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