#but let me imagine these two being the least communicative roommates of all time I'm having fun

[boinin]

I've been thinking about where everybody sleeps in the German wing. We know Kurona, Isagi, Hiori and Yukimiya share a dorm room.

This seems harmonious. With the exception of Yukimiya and Isagi's tiff between the Barcha and Manshine matches, this group of four get on quite well. They're all well-mannered and respectful individuals (off the pitch). Perhaps they all agreed to bunk together.

If four to a room is standard, my headcanon is that the next room is occupied by these guys:

Raichi, Igaguri and Gagamaru are a package deal at this point. They're used to each other's quirks. Neru's cheerful enough to fit in with their clique. I can see him agreeing to room with the other three.

It seems likely that the German players may sleep separately to the Blue Lock players. While there's no evidence for this, we also don't see co-mingling between the two cohorts outside of matches, besides Kaiser barging into the locker-room or using communal areas like the training/AV rooms. Dorming separately also gives everyone a chance to take out the translators during rest periods.

If the German dorms are separate from the Blue Lock ones, then that leaves these two:

Bringing us to the point of this post.

An elaborate ploy to make you imagine these two as the world's most anti-social roommates.

[my-mindbody-problem]

reflections #2

I named it #2 because it feels weird to have a first post on "reflections." too much pressure.

but, okay. this is me going back to writing down the things that my nogging is saying. i really really really *really* need it.

i'm going to start by describing something insane. like, my past self would be freaked out (in a good way) about the following description.

i wake up every morning to the sun in my eyes. so far, at least, the sun is there. and i am... guess where i am. i am in my apartment. i don't live with my parents. i have a roommate, my sibling, and we work so well together. we had growing pains when we first moved out of our home together... pero now i feel like it's easier to communicate. and then i also have plants i tend to every two weeks or so, and they have not died. and also, i can pay rent. the apartment is not too big, but given the fact that we live in a gentrified city (IN A DIFFERENT STATE, BY THE WAY), still makes me proud. like, we've been able to survive so far. and we do groceries consistently. sometimes i do falter and spend some dimes in takeout, pero eso no importa 'cause i can still save sometimes and then we go back to having enough cash to pay for utilies, internet and other small expenses. i can't believe i'm doing this. oh, and something crazy is that now our neighbors recognize us, and... get this, one of them asked us to exchange phones in case there is an emergency, and today she dropped off some leftovers she had from some family reunion... and the food was amazing! and omg, i don't have a car and i feel scared trying to drive again, pero we have bus passes and we ride around the city and also outside of it when needed. it's amazing. we are doing this withouth our parents help. and we're staying afloat.

i remember being 13, 14 and imagining a future for myself. and this is exactly what it looked like. i never wanted anything too crazy. just wanted independence and agency. and now i have it.

it's crazy, b*tch! but i got it...

i mean, yes, this country has drained my dreams in different and in all kinds of ways, there are a lot of personal things i have to work on, and i don't have a retirement plan (thanks amerikkka), but i still have what i wanted. my own space. not having anyone else tell me how to live my life (except for the state, pero eso lo hablamos luego). also, i'm less scared of making people uncomfy when i speak spanish. or when i share something sad about my story. i don't care as much. i let people sit with the uncomfortably because i went through shit... i went through it, and all they do is hear about it. so if i went through it and i'm alive, the least they can do is listen and think.

ok ok, this is probably all over the place, but something else i've been thinking about is... my sexual orientation. oh, yeah, i also go to therapy every two weeks (i've been going for a year now!), so that's that. so today in therapy i finally shared this part of me. i shared that i've always known that i don't like people conventionally. that i need the time and space to get to know someone (regardless of gender), and then BOOM, i feel stuff. i didn't know that that was something other people didn't feel. but i've been pretty bad at accepting it. because i'm scared that some part of me is making this shit up so that i act like i'm cool.

like in high school before we moved to the U.S., i kissed a girl due to a spin the bottle situation... and it felt great. it wasn't, like, magical, but it was great. and that's when i knew i felt attracted to girls. and then i thought about it and realized that i still feel attracted to boys. and to people who present in different ways. sometimes i have preferences, but it always boils down to how people actually make me feel. the oversexualization of other people's bodies isn't something i was super into growing up... so i definitely need some time to sort out what i feel for people when i meet them. it's exhausting... but hey, it's my truth. so today i brought up a thought that i've been grapling with... and it's the possibility that my idea of romance with cis-het men... is made up. it's comp-het. like, i knew about comp-het, but i don't think i truly thought about my personal relationships with doodes like that. like, i always knew i hated dudes that made me feel uncomfortable about my agency... or about my body. but recently, i've been dissecting why i am so anxiously attached to doodes sometimes. and i have recently found out that i probably believed that taking care of people's feleings is what true love is about. but i've never experienced a relationship where someone meets me hafway. i'm always doing the emotional work. and i say this with some authority cause i know myself.... but i also want to point out that i haven't dated as much... so i don't have that many examples. HOWEVER, i also replicate this in my friendships with men. and it's brought me problems with a particular friend of mine who i freaking love... so that's why i started dissecting why i kept wanting to care so much for his heart. i realized that i was also doing this for a coworker! it's insane. so i'm trying to figure out what it is that i have felt for boys and men growing up. was it actually attraction, or was it the illusion of it due to comp-het and patriarchy?

[slimesidian]

I know this is like the third ask you've gotten from me in like the past week, but I'm also a sucker for y'all's art and headcanons.

Got anything for Cubfan?

I have let this sit in my inbox for like at least 2 months and it's because I did not know where to go I'm so sorry lol.

This is gonna be really long because I'm gonna be getting into Vex headcanon territory. It also has my Scar headcanons sprinkled in because it's hard to talk about Cub without talking about Scar.

Most of this is lore since I don't watch Cub nearly enough to form more headcanons for him. That's not to say I don't watch him because I do just, I watch other Hermits more ya know

-Mod Slime

Vex Lore

So to begin. The Vex we see in MC aren't the true Vex. They are more like henchmen, or even true Vex split up into smaller forms. 

The Vex have servants, dubbed "ConVex", and there are a few ways they obtain these servants. Sometimes the ConVex come to the Vex, seeking knowledge and getting nothing in return.

Other times, the Vex will kidnap unsuspecting players and force them into the role. Players who try to escape usually end up killed. Players who are resistant deal with severe memory removal. Other Players can be bought for diamonds and cake as if they're nothing but an object.

ConVex can use Vex magic, but most aren't allowed to. Vex and ConVex can also have a mental bond which leads to sharing magic, among other things(this comes back).

Vex can also have Player disguises(like Scar), which makes luring away and kidnapping unsuspecting Players easier.

Pre-Hermitcraft

Long before Hermitcraft, or even before meeting Scar, Cub was a ConVex with no memories of his life before. He was completely human at the time, and he was in a state where he couldn't really do anything for himself.

Then Scar showed up, offering to serve the same Vex that Cub had served. At the time, Cub thought Scar was a regular Player like himself, and Scar presented himself as such.

The two didn't talk a lot at first, but whenever they did, the conversations were initiated by Scar, who was trying to learn more about Cub.

For the start of this, Cub's answers tended to not be his own, but eventually he did start opening up to Scar and eventually Scar started using healing magic on Cub's wounds(the Vex punished him a lot). 

Now, Cub had never seen a Player with magic, let alone a ConVex. And he could tell it was definitely Vex magic, which confused him because Vex don't teach ConVex about their magic.

Scar claimed that his Vex did teach him, though. They wanted him to be able to defend himself. He shows off some of his magic and Cub is in awe because he never imagined that Players could access this kind of magic.

He asked Scar if he could teach him, and Scar said he would one day, but he couldn't yet. 

The two eventually get into a conversation about Scar's Vex and it leads to him talking about how they let him leave the mansion and that he could come back if he wanted to.

This led to discussing the free will that most ConVex aren't allowed and that's when the Vex intervened, angry that their newer ConVex was ""tainting"" Cub. 

Of course, Cub was actually terrified for what felt like the first time in a while(he just doesn't remember the previous times). Scar ran over and held him close, and accidentally revealed his true form due to the raw emotions that came from seeing his new friend hurt.

This leads to Scar paying for the Vex to leave Cub alone.

At this point, Scar takes Cub to his mansion, and heals him up. 

Cub does remember Scar's true form, and how he saved him despite being a Vex. 

The two pretty much become roommates, living together in the mansion and talking about whatever. Scar teaches Cub how to use magic and it's really sweet.

Eventually, Scar admits that he's struggling with splitting ways with Cub. He doesn't want to force him to stay, he'd be no better than the Vex, but he also doesn't wanna lose his first real friend.

The two come to a mutual decision for Cub to become Scar's ConVex, but unlike how it had been with the last Vex, this relationship was only to be mutually beneficial.

Due to the mental link the two shared doing this, they started slowly becoming more like the others' species. Scar needed to eat and sleep like a Player, and Cub was getting a better hold of magic + a pair of Vex wings.

It was apparent that the two of them were also beginning to share magic. As in, if one of them has more magic, the other has less.

Eventually the two of them decide to leave the mansion and explore, hoping to find a home that actually suits them. 

This leads to Cub having to help Scar adjust to being a Player, and Scar having to help Cub stabilize his magic. This also leads to their duo becoming a trio, as Scar finds and befriends a cat. Yes that cat is Jellie.

Eventually they decide to try and explore a different world, which leads them to realizing they don't have communicators and are going to need some. 

Cue them ending up at a world hub(portal at spawn, no need for comm) and trying to find someone who can help them get new comms.

This results in them meeting one of the soon to be Kingdomcrafters. Aka, this is how the two of them meet Iskall. The two ask Iskall if they know how to make communicators, and they do but they can't make new ones. 

This leads to the duo getting temporary comms until they can get more permanent ones. 

Iskall notices how their outfits are rundown and offers to show them around and take them to a shopping area to get new clothes.

This may or may not lead to them meeting a few of the other soon to be Kingdomcrafters, specifically Ren and Wels. 

(This part is kinda blurry in my mind but the 5 of them end up becoming friends and end up being all part of KC together until they go to HC)

Hermitcraft

(I have only watched HC7 and have vague knowledge of HC6 n HC5 so we are skipping a lot here, I will only list the notable stuff)

There’s a reason the two of them forgot what they did in S5, and it’s because Scar used his magic to put a curse on the Vex masks. It pretty much locked their memories of what they did in S5 behind said masks, and they only remembered it if they put it on. This was mostly to keep a balance on their magic. 

The two’s power imbalance makes certain magic take a weird toll on their bodies. This explains the reason Cub appeared more Vex like during Demise while Scar didn’t. Scar had less of the shared magic at the time and thus it did not mess with him as negatively.

General

Despite his Vex trauma, Cub has definitely coped better with it then most would. He finds comfort in being able to use the magic of the very things that tormented him. It's like reclaiming a part of himself that was stolen.

He's definitely the only one of the mayoral trio that had an office that was properly cleaned. 

When Scar needs a break from things, Cub tends to become Jellie's prime caregiver. To be fair she wanders around a lot even when Scar isn't taking a break, but Cub knows he'd freak if Jellie was left unattended.

During the base swap, Cub temporarily grew in goat horns. Sadly they're gone now, but he still has fluffy ears! And they're blue because of his magic so that's even better!!

[aro-culture-is]

the way everyone perceive romance like a default goal or thing to achieve is really depressing me. Are there aros who make it on their own? Without bending to fit in or not even being in qpr? I can't shake this feeling... What if I'm old and unable to live on my own with everything being influenced by amatonormativity and wish I had let the romance thing in? I'm in my 20s and never desired or had a romantic relationship but what if I'm wasting all my good years only to end up lonely n miserable

I’m not sure how best to answer you. I’m personally only 20 myself, and I don’t think I would be comfortable coming at this from some sort of mentor-feeling direction, and I think any advice I have is going to be colored by my life experience so far.

with that said: I suppose the best way I can think of to answer this at the moment is to... well. answer your questions. From what I’ve heard of yes, there are aros who make it on their own. I’ve definitely heard at least of 30-something year old aros who aren’t partnering, and I imagine that there are plenty of older aros out there who exist, they just might not interact as often with the aro community or with tumblr specifically. non-amorous aros exist now, which to me means that logically, with different terminology, they existed in the past; qprs aren’t a requirement for them either, I’d bet.

Additionally, capitalism is kinda a bitch for aros who want to live alone, so I can understand that being a difficult thing to consider. The best I can offer for that is that living with someone doesn’t have to mean being in a relationship with them. Everything is kinda influenced by amatonormativity by definition, so like... sorry. I wish it wasn’t so prevalent either.

While I can’t promise that you won’t “wish you had let the romance thing in”, I can also say that as an aro who has dated, I tried that, and it was sucky. I really loved this person as a friend, and we agreed that it was fine to date even knowing that I’m aro, and uh. Romance fucking sucked. I can’t make natural “romance talk” to save my fucking life, and even though she was still satisfied by lines ripped straight out of fanfiction, I felt like a total fraud and hated it. Romantic situations felt unnatural and boring. Kissing in a romantic way? Gross. So... that’s my two cents at least.

Honestly, I’m struggling most with this final statement of wondering if you’re wasting all your good years. I personally don’t really have that thought much on anything, so I can’t say I have any great advice or answers for it at all. What I can tell you is that if you are happy identifying as aro right now, if you feel at all like romance RIGHT NOW isn’t your thing? You’re living your best life right now for you. Don’t live your life by what makes others happy. Some people are perfectly content to spend their day belittling and yelling at others. Does that mean you should do that?

Ultimately, all I can really advise is that your life is your own. If you don’t think you’d be happier in a relationship now, you probably wouldn’t be. Your life is your own. Comparisons to other people tend to include flaws you see in yourself vs the best possible interpretation, free of fault, of the other person - and again, they are there own person with their own interests. If you wouldn’t tell a STEM person that they’d be so much happier acting, or an artist that they would enjoy life more if they just learned more math, you shouldn’t tell yourself that you would be happier trying something that you don’t want.

It is okay to be yourself, boldly and proudly. And if that doesn’t feel obtainable, try to offer realistic view. What is the worst that could happen? You later fall in love, do enjoy the romance, and are content living your life with one or more SO(s). What is most likely? You continue living life as the aro person you are, and maybe have to settle for roommates at times. You question yourself occasionally, but ultimately are content with life as is, regarding your orientation at least.

I hope this helps.

[justdani14]

“Now no more talking ok?”

This is a prequel to lovehacks book one. Its something I've been mulling over in my mind for a while now. I'm a huge Dani and Mark shipper I love the best friends turned more story. This is a combination of clues that I've gathered from the books with my own twist.

Description: In the books you see a scene of Dani and Mark before they graduate he walks her to her dorm. They talk about how she's leaving, that he should come visit, they almost kiss but they get interrupted. All I keep thinking is what if he did go to New York and they did end up kissing and maybe more. It's in Marks pov

“No more talking ok” A couple weeks after graduation I find myself in my car finally entering the city of New York. It's been a long few days traveling cross country but I'm finally here. I follow the gps directions to her apartment. I've been driving for 10 hours today and I'm dying to get out of this car. The traffic is insane here, how do people drive like this? Duh Collins they use the subway mostly. Why am I even thinking about this? Is it nerves? It's just Dani she's my best friend why should I be nervous? We've known each other for years and spend countless days together and even some nights in each other's beds. Sleeping of course there's never been anything between us. I sound a little bitter about it even to myself. Ever since the night before graduation I’ve let more and more of those thoughts come. I use to be better at keeping them away. We almost kissed though and that was enough to break a dam in me. The dam that kept at bay the feeling I have for her. Feeling that I shouldn’t have for my best friend. Maybe I'm nervous because we're in New York away from everything we know and everything we're suppose to be.

Finally I reach her apartment and I send her a text that I'm here. I start collecting my bags and I scan the crowds for a familiar face. I catch sight of her and she takes my breath away. It's not like I forgot that she was beautiful but there's something about seeing her in person again. I can't even move, I'm sure I look like an idiot but I don't care. She finally gets to me and she wraps me in a huge hug. I hold her and breathe in the sent of her perfume. As we let go and I feel a small twinge of regret, get a hold of yourself Mark you have a whole week to hug her. "Come on Collins we don't have all day" she says as she grabs my hand and pulls me away. She leads me to her apartment building and I'm still in shock that I'm looking at my best friend right now. We make it to her apartment and she apologizes for it being so small but says her roommate Rylie won't be home all week. We order pizza and decide to stay in to catch up and I'm grateful it helps me feel more like myself around her. She tells me two days after I leave she'll start her new job and you should see how her face lights up when she talks about it. It makes me want to be excited about it but a part of me still aches that her dreams took her so far away. Why leave to New York? It was selfish but the question had lingered there for months. Her smiles makes me want to smile though and I do because I should be supportive.

The next few days we spend at museums and doing touristy things. We go to Central Park and visit Coney Island and it's the most fun I have had in a long time. After a couple days I confess to her that Amy and I are taking sometime apart. We’re not the same people we were when we first meet. Things have been hard with us and Amy wasn't to happy about me coming to New York to see Dani. She’s always made a big fuss about Dani and me being so close. She thinks it’s strange I'm using my savings to do this. Its worth it right? Yes Dani is worth it she always has and always will be. She frowns when I tell her about Amy. “Oh Mark I’m so sorry I know how much you wanted it work.” she says softly not looking into my eyes. She’s looking at her feet bitting her lip. Huh most be try not to say something but what? “What is it?” I ask her curious. Sometimes even I have a hard time figuring what’s going on in her head. She sighs “I just worry that you want it too much like your forcing it, that maybe it shouldn’t be so hard?” she looks at me expectantly. “I want you to be happy I need you to be happy best friend code one oh one.” she says with wide eyes. Well shit I need that too but I say “I think that too it shouldn’t be and I need you happy too why do you think I’m here?!” I make the goofiest face I can muster at her. She giggles “Ok Collins race you to the cotton candy stand!”. Thats just how it is for us, its easy sometimes we communicate without words. I don’t need to tell her in so many words that bummed about Amy but also a bit relieved. She already knows she just does because she always been there. She knows when to give me an out and am in. I don't know what I'm going to do without her.

Before I know it the night before I'm leaving comes and it's really bumming us out. We decide to have a couple drinks and that turns into a couple more. Before we know it we're stumbling back to her apartment. Its late but we fall into a fit of laughter on the her bed. The alcohol is weakening my resolve because all I can think about is kissing her. She’s just so beautiful when she laughs. I can't help myself I push a strand of hair out of her face. She stares at me with a look in her eye I saw right after graduation when we almost kissed. Would it ruin our friendship if we did? Would it make it better? All those doubts are gone though it’s just me and Dani. “Mark?" she says breathless. Is it from the laughter or something more? “Dani?" I say just as breathless. She moves closer to me and I don't dare move I don't want to break the spell. Before I know it she's holding my face in her hands as she bits her lip. She does that when she wants to say something but doesn't know how. I want to tell her that I need her to kiss me more then air right now. I want to say something to put her at ease tell her she can say anything to me. Before I can say anything she kisses me.

It's better then I ever could imagine it could be. It goes from tentative and gentle to passionate. Like all those years of pent up emotions bursting at the seams. The admiration, familiarity and love. I crush her close to me hoping its not a dream. I kiss her with everything I have hoping she can feel it all through the kisses. I run my fingers through her hair and she starts trying to take my shirt off. "Wait wait wait are you drunk?" I ask her breathless. Terrified that she is and she doesn’t really want this that I crossed a line. She stares at me like she’s staring into my soul. Her lips slightly swollen from kissing and her hair messy from me running my fingers through it. Her eyes are so wide oh no what have I done? “No do you want me to recite the alphabet back wards for you?” she laughs. “No that’s ok.” I say laughing. Relief washes over for so many reasons. I didn’t take advantage of her and it’s not just me that wants this? She smiles at me the smile that can bring a grown man to his knees. “Mark I need you I’m not drunk but I need you.” she says it in one breath. She looks so vulnerable I know how much it took to say that to someone. She doesn’t like to need anyone for anything. So I nod and say “I need you too maybe I always have.” then I clamp my mouth shut. I say no more not trusting my own voice afraid I’ll say too much and scare her away. “Now no more talking ok?" she says nodding. I nod too and and that our lips collide and we resume where we left off.

It’s like a switch goes off in my head. That insecure voice that tells me to be smart, to think things through shuts up. It’s just Dani its all Dani. The sent of her skin, the sound of her voice and the feel of her body. I methodically take off her clothes. Im finding it hard to concentrate when she bitting my lip. I moan her name as she kissing her way down. I eventually pull her up by her arm pleadingly I need all of her not just her mouth. I flip her on her back now it my turn. I need to kiss every inch of her and I do until she’s moaning and screaming my name. My name never sounded so good. I lay down next to her trying to catch our ragged breathes. She gently pushes me flat on my back and climbs on top of me. We share more delicious kisses as our hips move in perfect unison. The moans continue into the night until were breathing each others name through ragged breaths. We stay in this perfect bubble all night. We doze off and wake after a few hours to start all over again. After we’re done again we spend the rest of night in each others arms. It’s by far the best night of my life.

The next morning though reality starts to sink in. She’s not next to me when I wake up so I get up and look for her. I find her in the kitchen but before I can say anything to her she blurts out "I'm sorry." I'm sorry is not the words you want to hear after you sleep with a girl. I study her face she's staring at me and I'm thinking back on last night. Unless she was faking it then it was good for her so what was it why was she sorry? Then I see her bite her lip and instantly I know. With those two words her walls were up again. The walls that kept her safe from getting too close to any boyfriend in college. We all have our patterns and this was her's. In order to protect her self she puts walls up. I sigh instantly more tired then I’ve ever felt. Time to say what I know she needed to hear in order for her to live out her dream and salvage our friendship. “I'm sorry.” I say feeling defeated. Was I actually sorry though? No not in the least bit what had happened was amazing. It was more then sex it was an extension of the connection we already share. She interrupts my inner monologue. "Mark please stop I started it you didn't do anything wrong." she said looking so sad. "Dani let's just forget about it ok?" Urgh I feel sick just saying it how could I ever forget about it? "Your right it was just a one time thing." she says with sad little smile. It’s working were going to be ok if I could just force a smile and make her laugh. "Well it was more then one time but sure a one time thing." I force the best smile I can and wait to see if it works. "Omg Mark stop!" She starts laughing and even though I hate it I laugh too. Huh it worked I must be better at pushing my feelings down then I thought. Maybe I’ve been doing it for longer then I was willing to admit. If I could keep it together for a little bit longer we might be ok.

The rest of the morning goes by in a blur of packing and before I know it it's time for me to go. She walks me outside and says "I guess this is your stop." Was it my imagination or did she sound wistful. I study her closely she's looking at me with a that sad smile again. Was she sad because I was leave or something else? I didn't have the courage to ask. I was too afraid of the answer or of ruining our friendship. We seemed to find a way to keep it together but it was fragile, breakable and I wasn't going to break it I refuse. The hustle and bustle of people coming and going on the street is distracting this isn't how I wanted to say goodbye. Suddenly I feels her grab my hand and lead me to a quiet alley. We stare at each other for a moment and I realizes that we are still holding hands so I pulls her into a hug. I feel her starting to cry against my chest and with all the strength I have left I forces myself not to. I blink away the tears I have to. We stay like that for a long time, until she's all cried out. She finally looks up at me a little puffy eyed but still beautiful. How could she still look so beautiful? Its like a knife though my heart. "What is it do I look like a hot mess?" she asks me. “Of course not you always look beautiful.” I tell her. I fell so tired a part of me just wanted to get in my car so I could stop pretending. She's still staring at me and blushing a little from my comment. "You better go, you don't want to get behind schedule.” she says. No we wouldn't want that would we? All I could muster was "right I guess this is goodbye." I say wistfully. Who was wistful now, I pushed the thought out of my head and hug her. Trying to commit to memory everything about her. “Take care of yourself” I say in a whisper. I kiss the top of her head, look at her one last time and start walking away. She stops me by grabbing my hand. "Wait Mark I love you, your my best friend and I'm going to miss you so much it's killing me.” she says it all in one breath. Like she was afraid that if she didn't say it fast she'd never get it out. So I hug her again and say "I love you too and I hate this so much." “Ok go before I start crying again!" she says with a half hearted laugh. I laughed too the tension gone for a moment, her laugh had a way of doing that. "Text me along the way and when you get there." she pleads. "I will." I say and that’s it I walk away and don't look back because if I do I know I would never leave. I put the bags in the car and go before I do something stupid.

I let the empty feeling wash over me, I welcome it. I had made it I was where I was suppose to be and so was she. She'd start her new job in a couple days and I’d start mine in a week. For now at least I would let myself feel bad. Id let regret, anger and sadness wash over me like waves. I let the tears come as I stare out the windshield silently, the words I never said to her choke me. I text her along the way give her updates. I'm still trying to hang on to what we had before we slept together. Four long days later I'm finally in San Francisco. I just moved into my new apartment a couple days before the road trip. I didn't know Cole that well yet but he seemed like an ok guy. I didn't know he'd become one of the best friends I’ve ever had.

“I'm home :)” I text her.

What more is there to say she was probably sleeping. My phone starts ringing and my heart jumps but it's not Dani it's Amy. What could she want? She calls again and again by the time I reach my apartment. There front and center is Amy and she runs to me and hugs me. I stiffness a little. Her arms and her should be comforting but there not. I push the feeling down. I puts down my bags and hugs her trying not to think of Dani. "Marky I missed you! Can we get back together please?” she asks me.

That was three years ago and since then I've found my calling at Zabble, made some amazing friends and rededicated myself to my relationship with Amy. I don’t know if part of it was that she'd been right about me and Dani all along. She never thought we could be just friends and she was right we couldn’t. Or maybe I just desperately wanted things to go back to the way they were. My friends say I'm a pushover, they'd call Amy names but they don’t get it. Sure Amy and I had changed since college but she cares for me. A part of me was still in love with who she use to be and maybe can be again. Why am I here at 1 o clock in the morning mulling everything over? Remembering New York with Dani and San Francisco with Amy. It comes in flashes the feel of Dani’s legs wrapped around my waist. The way she’d bite her lip and her infectious smile. Amy’s arms around me like she’s hanging on for dear life. Amy’s laugh and how her eyes light up when she talks about work.

I thought those feelings for Dani had faded it took time but they did. Or maybe I just hoped they had. It took a while to forget and in that time I kept Amy at bay telling her I needed to think. It wasn’t a lie but eventually I gave in to her. I needed to feel something that wasn’t Dani and Amy gave me that. Time made the memories fade but now Dani is here in San Francisco. She texted me a few days ago saying she was coming home. Home like it was where she should have been all along. Maybe things would have been different between us if she had never left. What is wrong with me?

Tomorrow was going to be a very long day if I don’t try to sleep. I roll over and think of New York again. The Statue of Liberty, cotton candy, holding her hand on a crowded street. The memories are faded around the edges but there still in my mind. I though I was free of them I spend less and less nights thinking about them. Until now that is, they come flooding back torturing me with guilt and hope. I roll over again as if that would knock the memory out of my mind. She had been such a big part of my life for so many years I reason. How could she not be in my thoughts? It means nothing. We did try to hang on to us and we succeeded for a while. It just didn’t work out in the end. She had some doctor boyfriend in New York and I was back together with Amy. We only randomly texted or emailed now. This last year has been more and more infrequent. We had our own lives now. So why am I feeling like this from just the thought of her being back in San Francisco?