#but like I gotta get up early more often because of uni starting tomorrow

[liebelesbe]

didn't even get a full 4 hours of sleep tonight. so that's cool.

[tommyspeakycap]

Cheeky

jack grealish x reader

prompt request; you're talking on the phone and your lover quietly comes up behind you, wraps their arms around you, and starts gently kissing your neck. you begin to lose focus on your phone call as you concentrate on not making any noise.

its a little bit smutty - 18+

Jack likes to think he's a fairly patient man. He kind of has to be. If he gets any more than irked when his team are down a goal then he'd lose his head a little and they certainly wouldn't make up that goal if he couldn't keep his cool. It wasn't something he was born with so much as something that was trained into him through time and good coaching from his youth days through to now, as captain.

His patience with you is tenfold. That man grew up with three women in his life. It felt like half of all his dad ever said was "Just be patient Jack, the girls aren't ready yet." when he was young, bouncing on his heels at the door desperately waiting to go out with his family and his mother could more often than not be heard saying "Patience is a virtue, Jack." So he liked to think it was something he was relatively good at when it came to both his game and his girlfriend. Though you might inclined to suggest a little bit differently.

Today had been one of those days where he got to have a lie in, eyes softly shut, chest rising and falling rhythmically with his hair strewn out in all angles well into the early hours of the afternoon. His sleep was very satisfying and the long lie much needed, but he would have preferred to have woken up with you still there next to him when his eyes finally peeled open to an empty bed.

You had gone out, as you told in a text message sent to his phone half an hour ago knowing he would wake up and see it. When he texted back to ask where, he didn't get a response until you walked through the door again with a coffee for him and two muffins in a brown bag. You'd gone out for brunch with a friend thinking that you'd be back before he woke up but she had talked for longer than you anticipated and then you got stuck in the afternoon traffic. The muffin and the coffee were your way of saying sorry you weren't there when he woke and served as the perfect temporary fix for his grumbling belly.

A lot of the rest of your day was spent working, which pissed you off to no end. The one day Jack had to spend, you of course could not escape university for. "Last two weeks and then I'm all yours," you'd assured him, "Well, 'till I can get a job and work for the rest of my life to pay off those stupid loans. Lovely." You had a bit of a habit of being a bit less optimistic when you were stressed and Jack could very well see that was the case today. He knew you'd enjoyed uni, but you and every other student in the world would hate that last few weeks with the scramble to submit projects and clean up shop before graduation.

"I told you not to take out loans, baby," He had cooed earlier in the day as he stood behind your desk in one of the spare rooms, messaging your shoulders, "I have plenty for the two of us, you know it."

His words were sweet, genuinely. Muffled by your hair as he pressed his lips down onto the crown of your head. But you laugh softly at him with a shake of your head. "Don't start with that, Grealish."

He had laughed at your retort and left you alone to work again until dinner which he of course did not make because all that Jack can make is pot noodles or toast and cheese. Neither of those things had tickled either of your fancies, so it was takeaway delivered straight to the door that had you all but floating down the stairs when the smell wafted up.

Jack knew what he had in mind for after dinner. Something that both he and you would equally enjoy that would be very de-stressing for you too. That very enjoyable thing did not include you being on a three way messenger call with two of your closest friends from uni gossiping and talking about coursework while you finished wiping up the kitchen.

That's where Jack's patience appeared to come into play once more.

One might say he had been incredibly patient. He waited all day without trying to bother or pester you while you were working like he usually might and then he waited through dinner, waiting with the TV paused when you promised you'd only be five minutes wiping down the kitchen counters and doing the dishes.

And then he heard that god forsaken phone ring and his head tipped back onto the back of the couch with a silent groan. Then he waited another short while listening to you on the phone, not much involved in the conversational aspect than you were the reacting to the story.

The sight of you made him groan again when he walked into the kitchen after hearing a few moments of silence on your end, thinking that you might've finished the phone call. He was dead wrong, you were still stood with the phone help up to your ear as you looked out the kitchen window into the garden in apparent thought. You stop Jack walking up behind you in the reflection of the window.

He wraps his arms around your waist slowly, resting his chin on your shoulder with his head against yours. You lay the phone down on the counter with your friend continuing to tell the story about her boyfriend while you turned your head to look at your own pouting man. "Sorry baby," you coo softly, "Her and Will got into this messy fight and I-oh"

Your whispered words die on your tongue when you feel his move to your neck. Instinctively, you want to push him away but the feeling of his lips, soft and cold from the ice water he'd just been drinking, moving up the nape of your warm neck if just too good for even begin to swat at. "Give me two minutes to end the call," you murmur as quietly as you can manage into his ear, but you just feel a the gently grunt of his disagreement. "No no baby, you finish that call. I'll be right here."

"But Jack- fuck-"

"Better not let them hear you, baby." He lulls softly into your ear.

"You still there (y/n)."

You almost yelp in fright at the sudden call of your name through the phone. Of course you knew the call was still on but the speaking had completely gone blank to your ears, one of which Jack currently had his teeth nibbling at. "Sorry!" You chime, voice shaky, "I lost you guys for a bit there I was," you have to take pause to release a heavy breath in both an attempt to steady your voice and to expel the pleasure building up through your body as his kisses continue over you, "Moving room. Back now though."

"Are you alright?" One asks in genuine concern. You'll need to do a better job to keep quiet. "Yeah course. Sorry, continue."

They do just that, enveloping back into a conversation that is completely lost on your mind. Jack's hands are under your top, your bra long dropped to the floor. He can see your open mouthed, eyebrow furrowed look of pleasure in the reflection of the mirror as he moved his thigh carefully and slowly between your legs, rhythmically. "Ah ah ahhh," he tuts in your ear lowly, "quite baby, shhhh."

The feeling of his hard on pressing into your ass only fuels the fire burning in the core of your belly with each squeeze and knead of your breasts. He knows exactly what he's doing with the flexing and loosening of his huge thigh muscles pressed into you. You quite literally couldn't catch the moan that tumbled out of your lips with the friction he had created with his leg as he continued those precision targeted kisses leaving marks over your neck.

Both of your friends freeze and Jack is paused in all his movements as you clamp your mouth shut.

"Ouch?" Jack groans, biting down on his lip as he looks at you. His attempt to play off your sound only elicits more silence. "Jack's just stubbed his toe." You announce in an unceremoniously high pitch with an incredibly, almost unheard-of nervous laughter to follow while Jack tries with everything he has not to burst into laughter. "Gotta go, call you back tomorrow!" You yelp out, grabbing your phone from the counter with a frantic hand, "Those feet pay the bills after all!"

Neither of your friends get in a word in before your fingers have hit the big reg end button and turned towards the now very sly looking footballer standing so close that you can still feel the heat radiating off him, that thigh attempting to creep its way back in between yours.

"I'm so going to get you back for that." You warn. He sniggers.

"You will, will you?" He teases with a smirk, jutting his tongue out over his lips.

"Yeah," you say firmly, taking a step closer to him to wedge yourself back into the pleasureful position. "Not fucking today though, Jack. You'll finish what you started today."

He is very happy to accept his marching order, hoisting you up onto his arms with your legs tight around his waist as he immediately moves to set you on the kitchen counter.

"Not a problem, baby."

[atlafan]

Take it Slow - Part Sixty-Eight

a/n: okay this is my first shot at a harry:y/n fic, and it will be multiple parts. y/n had a bad experience with an ex over a year ago, and finally accepts her coworker and good friend Niall’s invitation to go on a blind date with his friend Harry.

Warnings: FLUFF SO MUCH FLUFF, and a wee bit of smut. 

Masterpost (all previous parts can be found in the masterpost)

The next day you and Harry drive out to a Lowe’s to check out their outdoor section. Your balcony wasn’t huge, but it was large enough to fit a small table a few chairs, with room to fit a grill.

“These chairs are comfy.” You say sitting down on one of them. “Come sit, tell me what you think.” Harry shrugs and takes a seat in your lap, and you start laughing.

“Rather comfortable I’d say.” He moves his butt from side to side. “Could really see myself sittin’ on this outside.”

“Harry!” You squeal. “Get your big butt off of me, we’re in public!” You giggle. He turns to look at you.

“Oh, so when we’re in public you don’t want this ass, but at home-“

“Harry!” Your face goes beat red, and he stands up. You stand up and shake your head at him. “Please, just sit in the chair.”

“Geeze, didn’t think you’d get all flustered.” He sits down. “This genuinely is a nice chair, I think we should get a few.” He stands up and takes your hand. “What do you think of a glass table, this round one looks nice?”

“Good eye, I agree.” He kisses your temple, and then you go to look at the grills.

“We don’t need a huge one right now, just somethin’ to get the job done.”

“I don’t even know how often we’d use it, we don’t eat meat.”

“Yeah, but we could throw veggie burgers on it, or just regular veggies. Corn, god, I love corn on the cob in the summer.”

“Me too, actually.”

You both pick one out that you like, and find an associate to order everything up. The gift card your dad gave you was a big help. They said they’d be able to deliver everything by the middle of the week. Harry walks over to the paint section to show you some of the colors he’s thinking for his office.

“Lou called me yesterday, forgot to tell you.” Harry says on your drive home.

“Oh? Everything okay?”

“Oh yeah, everything’s fine. They’ve just pushed the date off a little later. El wants to wait until the baby’s born. Said she didn’t want to be pregnant in all of her photos.”

“Don’t blame her for that.”

“Neither does he. Plus it just gives them more time to save up for everything.”

“How’s she doing?”

“Oh, she’s good, about to start her second trimester. Lou said you can actually see her bump. He’s been enjoying actually gettin’ to be a part of things this time. He didn’t get to do any of the pre-baby stuff with his ex, other than a few doctor’s appointments. He said every night he rests his head her stomach and like talks to the baby.”

“That is the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard.”

“I’d do the same thing, you know?”

“I’m sure you would. You’d have a stack of bedtime stories ready to go too.”

“Mhm, and I’d sing to it.”

“Harry…you don’t sing now.”

“I do sometimes.”

“Only if the volume’s turned all the way up.”

“Maybe I get a little self-conscious because you’re such a good singer.”

“I am not, stop it.”

“You’re more confident.”

“Doesn’t mean I sound good. Although, when I can actually hear you, I have to say, you have a lovely voice.” He blushes and takes your hand to kiss it.

You get home and start up a few chores. Your sheets were in desperate need of a wash. Harry scrubs down the kitchen while you take care of the living room.

“We can go to the grocery store tomorrow right? I don’t really feel like goin’ back out.” He says.

“Of course, no rush with that. Just wanted to get some of the cleaning done today.” Harry’s phone goes off, and he answers it.

“Hello?” He furrows his brows and then his face softens. “Oh hey! Yeah, no, just took me a second, how are you?” He walks away from you. You shrug and sit on the sofa, turning the TV on. About twenty minutes later he comes over to sit down next to you.

“Who was that?”

“Old friend from uni who lives up in Vermont.”

“Oh?”

“He, uh, breeds labradoodles. Two of ‘em just had a fresh littler.”

“How often do you talk to this friend?” You raise an eyebrow at him.

“Once in a while. Anyways, I know your allergies get bad, but labradoodles-“

“Are you asking me if I want a dog?”

“A puppy.” He corrects you. “And for free at that.”

“Dogs are like three thousand dollars, he’s just going to give you one for free?”

“He owes me a favor.”

“For what?”

“None of your business.”

“Harry Edward Styles.” You gasp.

“Y/F/N Y/M/N Y/L/N.” He crosses his arms. “Do you want have a dog with me or not?”

“Do you think now’s the right time? We’re both always so busy.”

“I could bring it to the studio with me, it’ll be like havin’ a shop dog.”

“That’s true.”

“And I know a dog is a lot different than havin’ a kid, but I think it would help with the baby fever.”

“You’re just saying that.”

“I mean it! Please, please can we get the puppy? He sent me some pictures, this one would be ours.” He shoves his phone in your face, and you see the cutest little brown haired puppy you’ve ever seen.

“Harry, can we even afford a dog with everything going on right now?”

“Think we could manage it. Buy the food in bulk. It’s the vet visits at the beginning, and then it shouldn’t be too bad.”

“Is this a boy or a girl? Not that it really matters…”

“Think it’s a boy.”

“What would we name him?” Harry’s grin grows.

“Are you saying we can get the dog?”

“Obviously! Look at how cute he is!” Harry takes you in his arms and practically squeals.

“We can name him, uh, whatever you want, lemme call my friend back.” He gets up and makes the call. He comes back a few minutes later, very excited. “Said the pup’ll be at eight weeks this week, so we can pick him up next weekend if we want.”

“Next weekend?! We have to get so much stuff. Food, bowls, a collar, a tag. We’ll have to register him at town hall.” Harry grabs your face and kisses you.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.” You sigh. “Now, what should we name him, let me see the picture again.” He hands you his phone. ‘What names do you like?”

“Max?” You look at him and scrunch your face.

“That’s so generic. What about Peter?”

“Peter?!”

“Yeah, we could call him Pete.”

“We are not namin’ our dog Peter.” Harry gasps and snaps his fingers. “I’ve got it.”

“What?”

“Winston.”

“Winston?”

“How fuckin’ cute would that be?”

“Winston Styles?”

“Oh, so the dog would have my last name?”

“Duh, he’s going to be our baby isn’t he?” You think for a second. “What about Buster?”

“Buster Styles…that could work.” You both look at the picture again. “He looks like a Buster.” He throws his arm around you.

“Yeah, he does.”

//

“You’re gettin’ a dog?!” Niall says in the car Monday morning.

“Yup, his name is going to be Buster. He’s so cute Niall.”

“That’s a huge step.”

“Oh, and being on the same lease together isn’t?” You joke.

“No, it’s just…like if something happened…now a dog is in the middle of it.”

“Something as in us breaking up? Are you stupid?” He makes a face at you. “Niall, Harry and I are happier than we’ve ever been, why would you even say something like that?”

“I don’t know…just gotta think about those things sometimes. So, like, hypothetically speaking, you truly plan to marry Harry some day?”

“It’s not even a hypothetical, Niall. That’s the plan.” He smiles at you.

“Can’t wait for you two to fight over which weddin’ party I’ll be in.”

“Mine of course.” You scoff. “Fuck him.” You both laugh.  

//

Harry and your dad finish all of the major renovations by Wednesday, which leaves him to start painting on Thursday. He told Rachel he’d prime everything. She came in after her school day was over to help him finish it up.

“I’ll be able to come after work tomorrow to start Mariah’s office. It looks so great in here.”

“Yeah, we did pretty good right?”

“Harry, can I ask you something?” He puts the paint roller down and looks at her. Rachel looked cute today, she had these white painters’ overalls on with splashes of old paint all over them. Harry just had old jeans he didn’t care about on and a t-shirt.

“Course.”

“We never really get alone time to talk. I guess, I just wanna know…um, I really care about Y/N, she’s one of my best friends…and I know you both love each other, but you’d never do anything to hurt her right?”

“Oh my god, no, of course not.”

“I care about her a lot, and I’ve never really liked any of the guys she’s dated. I like you, obviously, but I’ll be honest, it took me some time to warm up to you.”

“Really? Why didn’t you ever say anything to me?”

“I don’t know.” She shrugs. “I was honestly shocked when she told me you wanted to set me up with someone, I didn’t know you cared that much. Mariah makes me really happy, so I’m sort of grateful for you.” She laughs.

“I felt terrible when all that stuff with Lora happened.” He sighs. “I’m really happy things are working out so well with you and Mariah.” You both grab the paint rollers and continue to prime the walls. “I want you to know…I’m in it for the long haul with Y/N.” She looks at you.

“What does that mean exactly? I know you two are getting a dog soon…”

“Yup, his name is gonna be Buster.” He smiles. “We’re drivin’ up to Vermont early Saturday morning. We’re gonna spend the night in the Burlington area, and then get the puppy Sunday.”

“That’ll be nice…what comes after the dog though?”

“What do you mean?”

“Like, okay, you’re living together, and now you’re getting this dog with her…it’s all so…grown up.” Harry starts laughing.

“You make it sound like I’m this thirty-year-old dude sweepin’ her off from her life.”

“It’s just…last time a friend settled down we never saw her anymore, and you know how the rest of it went. Getting a dog with someone is like the test to see how you’d be as a parent. I feel like all of a sudden you two are gonna be in the suburbs with two kids and we’ll never see her anymore. Practically lost her once after the whole thing with Jake, I can’t lose her again.” Rachel feels tears prick at her eyes.

“Hey, woah, I’m not takin’ her away from anyone. And she’s told me she doesn’t exactly want to move out of the city yet either. There’s no rush for anything.”

“But you two talk about having babies all the time.”

“Not all the time.”

“Harry.”

“Well, it’s important to talk about don’t you think? Be on the same page with your partner.”

“You wanna marry her?”

“At some point, yeah.” She smiles and nods.

“You know, I had a huge crush on her when we first met.” She chuckles. “When we became really good friends, I eventually told her. I think we both cried. She told me she felt terrible that she couldn’t return my feelings. Like she was genuinely torn about it. I think it made us closer. I got over it of course, but that feeling of just wanting what’s best for her will always linger. When we got to spend that semester in California together it made me realize that she’s so special, you know? She deserves the world.”

“And I wanna give it to her.” He puts everything down. “Would it be alright if we hugged?” He had tears in his eyes too. She puts everything down and opens her arms up. They share a nice embrace. You and Mariah walk in with dinner. Mariah coughs loudly to get their attention.

“We just had to go and date the two biggest blubber bags out there, didn’t we?” She says to you and you start laughing.

“What the hell are we gonna do with you two, what happened?”

“We were having a nice moment until you two ruined it.” Rachel says sticking her tongue out at you. You stick yours out back. “What you bring for dinner?” She asks excitedly, walking over to Mariah to give her a kiss.

“Sushi.” She smiles.

“Got some foldin’ chairs in the back, hold on.” Harry says and goes to get them. He stops short, turns around to kiss you, and then goes to get them.

“He’s cute.” Rachel says.

“Yeah, he is.” You smile.

Harry comes back with four folding chairs so you all can sit and eat.

“Harry, if you leave me the keys I can come in this weekend to paint while you’re gone.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I don’t mind. I can get Mariah’s office and the kitchen done easily. Then when you get back we can do the rest.”

“Then it’s just the furniture right?” Mariah asks.

“Yeah, we’re going to have a waiting area over there.” Harry points. “Two small love seats, and then Isaac’s desk should be here any day. Got him one that he can stand up at too like he’s been wantin’. And then our desks will be here in a couple of weeks along with our chairs. We can start bringing the equipment in once the painting is done.”

“I’m so excited, I can’t wait to put my two weeks in. It’s been insufferable without you there.”

“Right, because my attitude just brightened the whole place up.” He says sarcastically, making you all laugh.

“I swear I thought Julia was going to kill herself when she saw your office all cleared out after you left. Luckily, her and Dana are done in two weeks. We might actually hire Dana for the summer. Paige really enjoyed her help.” Harry nods. The mention of Julia’s name makes you cringe.

“You didn’t tell any of them where I went did you?”

“No, but everyone hounded me. I just told them you wanted to focus on your freelance work. Not like it was a lie.” She shrugs.

“I just don’t want any of them findin’ me. Isaac’s kept quiet?”

“Mhm, he’s just excited to get out of there too.”

The four of you finish eating, and you tell Harry you’ll see him at home while him and Rachel finish up. You’re in your pj’s, cuddled up on the sofa watching TV when he gets in. He strips all of his clothes off, besides his boxers, and plops down next to you.

“Harry…”

“Didn’t wanna get paint anywhere.” He yawns. “How’s my baby?” He kisses your cheek.

“Good.” You giggle.

“Just imagine, you’ll have a little pup all cuddled up with you on these later nights.”

“Mhm, it’ll be nice.” You yawn. “I need to set up the little bed inside the crate for him. I mean it, he’s not sleeping in the bed with us.”

“I never disagreed with you, but if he starts cryin’ you can be the one to comfort him.”

“He won’t cry because he won’t know any different. We just need to make the crate a safe space, not a punishment, then he’ll have no problem sleeping in it. Then when he gets a little older we can take the bed out of the crate and he’ll know that’s his bed.”

“You know I’m kind of looking forward to being away for the night.”

“Me too, I’m glad we’re making a weekend of it. I’ve never been to the Ben and Jerry’s factory, I’m so excited.”

“There’s a cider mill right down the road from there too that we should check out.”

“I’ve never been to Burlington either. I think I’ve been to Vermont like once in my life.” You laugh. “We never really had a reason to go.”

“The lads and I would head up there to buy weed on the cheap.” He says nonchalantly. “You know, before it was legal here.”

“Hm, interesting.”

“Alright, miss straight edge.”

“I’m not judging.”

“Mhm, yeah. There’s worse drugs out there, you know?”

“Yeah, like mushrooms.”

“Should’ve never told you that.” He shakes his head.

“Well, you did.” You crawl into his lap and he lays back so you can lay on him. “Hi.” You nuzzle into his chest.

“Hi baby.”

“What were you and Rachel doing earlier, when we walked in?”

“We just had a moment is all.” He strokes your hair and rubs your scalp. “She…really cares about you.”

“Yeah.” You look up at him. “She’s the best.” You smile and lean in to kiss him. “So are you.” You nuzzle your nose to his. “I love you so much, I’m really happy.”

“I love you too, darlin’. I’m happy too.” You kiss for a while on the couch before you both start to feel sleepy. Then it’s off to bed.

//

You both get up early Saturday to get to Vermont. It would be along, and annoying drive. You took some pills to help you not get carsick. Harry was an excellent driver, but you knew there would be a lot of back roads involved at some point.

You put on some cuffed jeans and a white short sleeve crop top. You pair it with a blue cardigan and your white tennis shoes. Harry has a loose pair of jeans on and a band t-shirt.

“I’m so happy it’s gettin’ warmer out.”

“Me too.” You look around. “Everything’s all set up for him.”

“Yup.” He kisses you and grabs the overnight bags. “Let’s go.”

Harry lets you put a playlist on. A mix of old and new songs. You gasp when a particular song comes on. You’ve Made Me So Very Happy by Blood Sweat & Tears.

“Oh my god I love this song!” You turn the volume up and sing along. “Have you heard this before?”

“Yeah, I thought a woman sang it.”

“There are a ton of covers. I think I like this one the best.”

You continue to sing while Harry listens to the lyrics. Every word perfectly describes how he feels about you.

I chose you for the one. Now I'm having so much fun… You treated me so kind, I'm about to lose my mind…You made me so very happy. I'm so glad you came into my life…

Harry makes a mental note of the song for future use, especially when he sees how much you love it. You hold his hand while you sing. You must resonate with the lyrics too.

You eventually make to the Ben and Jerry’s ice cream factory. You couldn’t wait to stretch your legs. You practically run inside.

“I need to pee so bad!” Harry laughs at you while you find a bathroom.

“Tour’s only five bucks a person, I got us two tickets.” He says when you come back. You thank him and wait to be called in with the rest of the group.

A short movie is shown, and then you all are brought in to see how the ice cream is packaged and produced. Next you’re brought downstairs where they give you a sample to try.

“Mm, oh my fucking god.” You can help but moan when you lick at the chocolate malt ice cream. Harry looks at you. “You have to at least try it.”

“I don’t like chocolate ice cream. And you better be careful that’s gonna upset your stomach.”

“No it won’t it’s only a little, and it’s soooo good.” You lick at it again and smile. “That’s some good shit, wow.”

When you’re done you take a picture together outside in front of the sign. You drive down the street to the cider mill. You go inside and see all of the things that can be made with cider and or syrup.

“Look Harry, a maple syrup hot sauce, this could be fun to try.”

“Sure.” He smiles.

“Are you feeling tired? I could drive the rest of the way to the hotel.”

“Would you mind? It would be nice to close my eyes for a bit.”

“Of course.” You kiss him on the cheek, pay for your things and head to the car.

You kept the music volume low while he slept. You pulled into the parking lot of the small hotel. It was really more like an inn.

“Baby, we’re here.”

“Hm? Oh, okay.” He stretches and gets out of the car. He grabs your bags and you both go in to check in.

You get into the room and put everything down. You both wash up and head back down to the car. You drive into Burlington and pay to park near Church Street.

“Look at all the shopping! And the lake! Who knew there was such a populated area?” You laugh.

“Well, UVM is like right over there.” He nudges you.

“Shut up.” You nudge him back.

You both do a little shopping before finding a nice vegetarian place to eat at. After dinner you head down to walk along the peer near the lake.

“I can’t wait to see Buster tomorrow, Harry.”

“Me too, baby.” He holds your hand as you walk.

“Do you think he’ll like us?”

“Of course!” He laughs. “We’ll be the best parents ever.”

You drive back to the hotel and you both get settled in for the night. You both do your nightly routines and get into bed. You face each other, limbs getting tangled in each other. Harry’s leg slides between yours, and he cups your cheeks in his hand. He pulls your face closer to his and your lips connect. You grind slightly against his lig, and he pushes it against you harder. A small moan leaves your lips. You tug at his shoulder to pull him on top of you.

He runs his fingers over your folds and fingers you for a bit to get you ready for him. You wrap your legs around him as he enters you and he kisses you. He buries his head in your neck while he rocks in and out of you. You grab one of his hands you lace your fingers together.

“Harry.” You moan. “Feels so good.” You look up at him and he’s already looking down at you. You kiss each other, and you pull him closer with your legs.

“Y/N.” He moans into your ear. “Love you so much.”

“I, ngh, love you too.”

He rocks in and out of your faster, and then with a sharp thrust, he gets in really deep and stays there. You grind against him as your tongue finds his.

“Oh my god, shit, shit, shit, Harry!” You release around his cock. You squeeze his hand tightly.

He picks up the pace again, chasing his own high. He pants and groans, and with another moan of your name he comes inside of you. He collapses next to you. You both kiss again, not leaving anytime to your breaths. He bites your bottom lip and sucks it into his mouth.

“I’m getting hard again.” He says against your lips.

“Want me to suck on it?”

“Please.”

He lays on his back and you get between his legs. Sure enough he was hard again. You don’t waste anytime getting your mouth on him.

“Fuck.” He groans. He thrusts up and you take him deeper down your throat. You swallow against him and cradle his balls. He grips at your hair and you start bobbing up and down him. “Shit, I’m gonna come.”

You give him a thumbs up as you keep your mouth on him. His come shoots into your mouth, and you take all of it. You come off him and swallow.

“Thank you.” He says, out of breath.

“Mm, my pleasure.”

You get up, use the toilet, and rinse your mouth out. You crawl back into bed, and he wraps himself around you. He kisses the back of your neck a few times before completely settling in.

//

The next morning you both get everything together, and head out to where Harry’s friend lives. It was only about thirty minutes later.

“Adam!” Harry says when he sees his friend coming out to greet him. “Hey, mate!”

“Harry!” The hug each other. “It’s been ages!” Another Brit, how interesting.

“Adam, this is my girlfriend, Y/N.”

“Hey, greet to meet yeh!”

“Same to you.” You shake his hand.

“Pup’s in the barn, follow me.”

You take Harry’s hand and follow Adam around to the barn. You hang back while he goes over to the pen they’re in.

“What’s wrong?” Harry asks.

“I don’t want to watch him take him away from his mumma.”

“Oh, sweetie…”

Adam comes over cradling the puppy, and you burst into tears when he hands Buster to you. Harry and Adam look at each other and then look at you.

“He’s so beautiful, thank you.” The puppy yips, gives you a lick on the chin, and nestles into your arms. “Harry, he’s so cute.” You say through tears and a high pitched voice. “Here, you take him.”

He smiles and takes him from you. He holds him up in the air at first and then cradles him.

“He’s perfect.”

After chatting with Adam a bit longer, you take Buster out to the car. You had a car-seat for him, but you decide to hold him instead. You just didn’t wanna let him go. Harry would occasionally reach over and scratch his little head. He slept for most of the ride. You stopped a couple of times to give him some water and let him pee.

When you finally get home you let him scamper and sniff around. When it looks like he’s about to pee you pick him up and put him on a piddle pad.

“It’ll be easy enough to let him out for a wee, can just bring him to the balcony.”

“What and have our plants and new furniture smell like piss? No, no, we’ll be taking him out. The piddle pads will work for now. We’ll have to take him out every hour so he gets used to it. C’mon baby, are you hungry?”

“Actually, yeah, I a-“

“Harry, I was talking to Buster.” You shake your head at him and laugh. You whistle to Buster and he follows you. You scoop out some dog food and put it into his bowl. You stick your fingers into the dry food while he eats.

“What are you doin’?”

“I read about this. It helps the dog know not to bite you if you feed it treats and stuff. It needs to know it shouldn’t be rough with you.” Buster eats what he wants and then laps at his water bowl. “He’s just so tiny, I can’t get over it.” You pat the top of his head. “Okay, in like fifteen minutes we should take him out. I’m working from home tomorrow so I can help house train him.”

“Sounds good.” He smiles. “So…can we eat dinner then/”

“Sure, if you feel like whipping something up. I’ll have to take him to get registered with the city tomorrow. I’ll call the vet too to set up a check up like Adam said.”

“Thank you.” He kisses you and goes into the kitchen. Buster follows him in and so do you.

You take buster out to do his business every hour like you said. You ring a little bell each time you take him out too. Eventually the three of you get snuggled up on the couch together.

“Oh, let’s take a selfie, then all our friends can help welcome him.” You take your phone out and sit between Harry’s legs, facing away from him. You hold Buster up to your chest so you can get him in the picture. Harry kisses your temple right as you snap the shot. “God, I’m gonna cry again.”

“I couldn’t believe how emotional you got, usually I’m the mess.”

“I know!” The dog huffs. “Sorry baby, mumma didn’t mean to be so loud.” You coo as you strokes his hair.

Harry was so at peace. Hearing yourself refer to yourself as mumma thrilled him. When it was time for sleep, you put Buster inside his crate with his cozy bed. You stuck the crate in the hall outside your bedroom. You didn’t want to put it in the bedroom since he would wanna get on the bed with you. You start getting teary eyed when you get into bed.

“What is it, love?”

“I just feel bad leaving him out there all alone, I don’t want him to wake up scared.”

“Do you want to bring him in here with us?”

“No, we need to be stern about this. He needs to know our bed is for us, and his bed is for him. I’ll be okay.” You wipe your eyes.

“C’mere.” You lay your head on his chest and sigh.

Luckily, Buster didn’t make much of a peep throughout the night, and you and Harry were able to sleep just fine. Your little life with Harry was growing, and you couldn’t be happier. You weren’t sure if you were ready for the responsibility of having a dog, but somehow you ended up being a natural, and Harry took note right away.

[inkofamethyst]

May 7, 2021

So, as it turns out, I approach every situation from an insecure mindset, and I evaluate all of my actions through that as well!  This means that I dwell on the past and often try to predict the future,, which, I mean, yeah.  And from that standpoint, it would make sense that I always seek out praise and would find even indifference to be negative.  My baseline is insecurity, so I don’t know that I’m doing the right thing without being explicitly told so, and I am more likely to assume that I am doing something wrong.

At least, those were my biggest takeaways from the session today [two days ago].

They still feel awkward.  I don’t know if it’s because it’s online or if it’s just me, though.

Anyway.  I might be able to squeeze out an A- in my chem lab which is pretty cool, especially since I didn’t do so hot on that one lab report.  I just need to, like, study for the final and do well on this last lab report, you know?  Gotta go to office hours tomorrow for that.

Hm, on another note I kinda wanna join the Black Engineers Society at my school if I can?  Like,,, I’m a bio major (+ anthro), so I’m not really an engineer, but they say they want to support stem folk of all sorts, and I desperately want to find smart black people on campus, especially for when I start taking biochem and physics and stuff next semester (oh and, uh, registration update, I guess: all of the anthro sections have been filled lol, but there are still a few seats left open in my theatre class, possibly because the profs haven’t been announced yet).  I have my Black Uni Bucket List that I created with my photo-friend, and we’ve lost a year to complete it so we really need to get on our game.  I just want more Black friends, okay?  I wanna know what that’s like?  And that’s not to say that I don’t love my group of friends or anything, but it’s just something I want to experience (also one of our BUBL (bubble! hehe) items is to go to a Black party and we can’t do that if we don’t make Black friends, so), you know?

I’m also wondering if I’m justified in placing myself in early classes (9a MWF, 9:30a TuTh) in order to hopefully push me into the position of becoming a morning person or if I’m just going to make my life miserable next semester, you know?  I think waking up at 8 a is fairly sustainable.  I woke up at 7 a TuTh last spring (when classes were on campus, that is) for my 8 am lecture, and I didn’t have too much of an issue with that.

As for this semester, I only need to get a 13/20 on the next homework assignment in organismal bio to end up with an A in the class.  And we get two tries on that assignment and I’m pretty sure we can see which questions we got wrong (but not the answers) before the second try.  Like,,,,,,,,,, (assuming I manage to do well enough on that assignment, of course) if I don’t feel like it, I don’t even have to take the third exam (and I’m definitely not taking the final exam).  And I think I’ve got the A in the bag for my genetics course.  I’m right on the edge of a B+/A- in gen chem 2 and gen chem 2 lab, so I’m not sweating those too badly either (though I will need to actually study if I wanna get that A-).  I feel pretty confident that I should be able to get an A in my humanities class.  This semester ain’t lookin too bad, grade-wise.  I could’ve put more effort into my chem classes, I’ll admit, and I’m really going to have to shape up my study habits when my *shudder* ~junior year~ starts cuz I ain’t truly studied since march 2020 bruhhhh.  

Actually, sorry, but going back to what I was talking about at the very start,,, I don’t think I realized before the way that insecurity clouds literally all of my interactions with the world around me.  And like,, even on the days when I feel most secure, it’s probably only because my insecurity has calmed down because, at that moment, there’s nothing stimulating anxious thoughts.  So it’s probably not even that I’m getting better, but that I’ve just momentarily treated the symptom.  And that’s really disheartening, actually.

But.

It doesn’t mean that I have to stay there.

[a day after writing that last bit]

aaaaaaAAAHHHH even me thinking that people aren’t being sincere when they say things comes from a place of insecurityyyyyyy.

Like, I don’t know if I ranted about it here, but hearing things like “I’m sorry for your loss” felt insincere or disingenuous to me ~but that was probably just insecurityyyyy~.

wackwackwackwackwackwack

Today I’m thankful that I’ve turned in my last ever chemistry lab report.  I don’t ever want to be in another one of these chem classes again (...biochem can stay but they’re on thin ice).

[islareeveswriting]

World of Our Own| Harry Styles Uni Au | Chapter 9

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LISTEN TO Keeping Your Head Up Birdy Everyone keeps a darker place To lose control, you're not alone And when you come looking for embrace I know your soul; I'll be your home Til you can breathe on your own

Harry couldn’t remember the outgoing little boy his mum described when they were looking at old family photos. Harry couldn’t remember ever being anyone but the boy who shut himself away because of nerves and anxiety, in fear of what could potentially go wrong. He knew he did it, but knowing that didn’t make it any easier to stop it. Harry often felt like he had a steam train coming straight for him, but he was powerless to slow it down let alone cease it’s journey.

If Harry stopped to think about it, he knew there were plenty of negative outcomes that could result from the photoshoot with Rae. At best he might embarrass himself or the photos might not work. At worst she could decide to mention the kiss that both of them seemed to have silently agreed to leave in New York.

Three weeks had passed since their trip and they’d continued their friendship as if nothing had happened. It wasn’t that Harry hadn’t wanted to talk about it, he had. At the time he just kept talking himself down from it, telling himself, if Rae wanted to, she’d bring it up. Of course he didn’t know she was telling herself the same thing, not wanting to make him feel awkward or freak him out. But now they’d let three weeks pass, and aside from their own personal reasons for not bringing it up, it felt like too long had passed to do so.

Despite it all, somehow, despite even himself, that morning he’d managed to push it all to the back of his mind. Front and centre was having a great day with Rae, watching her doing what she loved, and revelling in the feeling of being chosen by her to be photographed for her project. It felt great. It was the second best feeling he knew.

Harry was typically early as he took his long legged, even strides towards the studio building Rae had told him about. He couldn’t help himself. Even when Rae had told him to meet her there, she had things to set up. Even when she assured him that she’d be fine on her own, he found himself eager to make sure he was there before he was needed. It was like the airport all over again, despite everything else, he found he wanted to put himself out there more for her than anyone else he knew.

With two coffees in his hand, he was glad the door had been left open. Inside the studio was a complete parallel to how it appeared outside. Outside it was cloaked in old red brick, slightly crumbling at the edges, flaking black paint on the doors and no windows. Indoors however, was bright white, somehow clinical. Large, heavy lights hung from the ceiling casting an almost neon-esque glow. Rae had her studio lights encircled near the centre of the room, a tripod already set up with her Canon camera, wired up to her laptop set up on a table beside the camera. Harry was a little taken back by how professional it all looked.

Rae stood from where she was crouched on the floor fiddling with leads at the sound of Harry’s feet on the polished concrete floor. She smiled up at him as she sunk her hands into the pockets of her baggy black trousers, the loose jumper tucked in at the front. She looked comfy and relaxed, as she always seemed to. It astounded Harry sometimes, that she just seemed to fit no matter the backdrop she found herself in.

‘Hey, I brought you coffee.’ Harry started, handing Rae one of the cardboard cups, full of coffee. Flat white, extra hot, the way Harry knew she liked it ordered.

‘Oh thanks,’ Rae grinned taking the cup from Harry. ‘I brought you - no wait, I didn’t bring you anything, I don’t know why I said that.’ Rae backtracked quickly, creasing her brow at herself and shaking her head. Harry hummed a quiet chuckle of endearment. At the back of his mind though was the message he had, had from her sister the previous night.

‘You ok?’ Harry asked, trying to be blase, even with the message circling around inside his head.

It was on his phone when he’d gone up to bed. It was on his bedside table charging and when he’d crawled in under the duvet, his book on his lap, he’d grabbed it to have a quick scroll before getting stuck into his latest read.

@essieobrien has sent you a private message

Harry frowned at his screen. He and Rae’s sister had been liking photos on each others Instagram feeds since Christmas. Harry had done it first by accident, liking a photo Elsie posted of Rae at the airport. Since then Elsie had gone on to like anything Harry posted and so Harry had returned the favour. He swiped it open, waiting for the message to load, a little impatiently.

Hey sorry to message, hope you’re good? I just know Rae won’t have said anything but basically its Jonah’s anniversary tomorrow and I don’t like the thought of her being on her own, cause that hasn’t happened before haha. Maybe don’t say anything unless she does, I dunno, but thought you should know and maybe you could just keep an eye on her? Xx

Hi, thanks for letting me know. Yeah I’ll definitely make sure she’s ok, don’t worry. Thanks again xx

‘Yeah, are you?’ Rae asked with furrowed, concerned eyes that didn’t match how Harry knew she might be feeling inside, knowing what he knew. Harry wondered if she was ever selfish.

‘I’m fine.’ Harry smiled with a nod before taking a sip from his coffee. ‘What’s the-’

‘Hiya, I’m here, sorry I’m late.’ The, somewhat, shrill, northern voice rang through the hollow building, echoing off the bare walls and cutting Harry’s question short. Harry watched as Rae glanced past his shoulder to where the voice was coming. A shy smile crept onto her face, her eyes flicking back to Harry for barely a second.

‘Hi Lou, how are you?’ Rae moved past Harry, Harry turning to look towards the visitor. It was clear to Harry, she wasn’t a first year student, but she wasn’t much older than them. Her hair was almost silver and her skin golden. She had a grey vest on that could have done with an iron and a pair of baggy, ripped jeans, flip flops on her feet. She looked friendly, a bright beaming smile the only real thing that caught Harry’s eye.

Harry watched on from a distance as Rae and the new girl greeted one another with a hug. Harry hadn’t seen her before, even around and he knew he’d recognise her if he had. Even so, for some reason he didn’t feel particularly nervous, not by his standards anyway.  At the pit of his stomach was something that resembled anxiety, but it wasn’t half as pointed as the anxiety Harry knew, and although it rose its head at the arrival of this new person, it quickly settled back down to being simply down to the day ahead when he saw Rae greet the stranger so happily and easily. There was serenity in her ease.

‘Harry, this is Lou, she’s here for hair and makeup.’ Rae explained with a smile that Harry could tell was nervous and he was sure he knew why.

‘Hi, nice to meet you.’ Harry extended his hand politely as he spoke, looking Lou in the eye as confidently as he could.

‘You too, I’ve heard so much about you from Rae, nice to put a face to the name.’ She grinned, something endearingly warm about her. Harry chuckled and looked to Rae who he could have sworn was blushing. ‘I’ll be with you in a sec, just gotta go to the loo.’ Lou excused herself and trotted away from Harry and Rae.

‘You coulda told me it wasn’t just the two of us, would have picked up another coffee.’ Harry pointed out nodding towards the cup in Rae’s hand that she took a tentative sip from as he spoke.

‘Sorry, I didn’t want you to get nervous before we’d even begun.’ Rae explained cautiously, spinning the cup around in her fingers and trying to look Harry in the eye but he could see she was looking just shy of them, more at his left temple than anything.

‘Don’t do that.’ Harry urged, taking a step forward, closing the unnecessary gap between them.

‘What?’ Rae questioned, with drawn in eyebrows, finally finding Harry’s eyes as her shadow of guilt turned to something like confusion. She knew she should have just told him, she realised that when she saw the way he looked at her as Lou left the room. However, she hadn’t anticipated how guilty she’d feel when he looked at her like she’d done the only thing he hoped she’d never do and walk on eggshells for his benefit.

‘Treat me like a baby bird,’ Harry all but sighed, the eye roll implicit even if it wasn’t actually there. ‘I’m a big boy.’ Harry stressed with a sarcastic smile to try ease any tension that might be there, even though Rae wasn’t feeling any.

‘But you-’

‘No, I can deal with it,’ Harry cut in, snapping slightly and immediately regretting. Harry took a sign, and fought the urge to reach out for her hand, he wasn’t sure if they did that anymore. That hadn’t been any physical connection since New York, and even though Harry missed it he’d never be the one to rekindle it, so until Rae decided to grab his hand or put her arm around him, or even kiss him again, he’d resigned to learning to go without it. ‘Just don’t please?’ Harry begged.

‘Ok, sorry.’ Rae offered genuinely with a lopsided, half smile. Harry just shook his head and chuckled, as if he could even be close to mad at her.

‘So what’s the plan?’ Harry asked, moving the conversation on before either of them could dwell on what had gone before, long enough to overthink it, even though he already knew he probably would be doing exactly that in his bed that night. Rae bobbed her head and turned on her heel towards where her lights and camera were set up, taking a sip of her coffee as she turned. Harry followed her towards the crux of the setup, virtually on her heels as he walked after her. ‘A bathtub?’ Rae chuckled and nodded.

‘Yeah, don’t panic, no nakedness required.’ Rae assured before Harry’s mind could wander. Harry was admittedly relieved with that information and tried not to sign with it. ‘You bought some old jeans right?’ Harry nodded motioning to the satchel still hanging from his shoulder. ‘Good, so if you don’t mind it’ll be shirt off job.’ Rae winced, cocking her head towards Harry as she told him about the idea for the first time.

‘You’re doing it again.’ Harry told her, raising one eyebrow as if warning a child not to touch the expensive ornament again. ‘Not a baby bird.’ He reminded her. Rae just nodded and looked back at the bath tub.

‘Lou’s gonna make you look wet, you’re gonna get in the bath, shirt off and I’m gonna take some photos kay?’ Rae listed, quickly the way she always did. Rae hadn’t done many shoots like the one she had planned with Harry, as in one with a model, but she’d found, with the few she had done, the less the model knew the better the photos came out. It was as if they weren’t trying to play a part they felt she wanted or needed, and therefore they came across as very natural and relaxed in the photos.

‘Kay.’ Harry beamed, causing Rae to chuckle.

‘Harry, you ready?’ It was that jovial, northern voice that drew them from one another. Harry looked up to Lou and nodded at her, wandering away from Rae towards Lou and begging the anxiety in him to remain subdued the way it had done so far. ‘Do you want to take a sit and pop your shirt off.’ Lou instructed motioning at the chair. Harry did as he was told dropping his bag to the floor by his feet, with his t-shirt and spare jeans, trying not to spare a thought to the fact he was half naked in front of someone he didn’t know, and Rae for the first time. Lou had her things set up on a table that looked like something Harry might have normally found in a primary school. Her set up was such a contrast to how professional it all looked as Harry walked in, it served as a reminder they were just uni kids, doing uni work.

‘So Rae, says you’re an art student.’ Lou began, picking up a brush and pushing it through Harry’s hair. Harry nodded not sure what to say at first. His anxiety had a way of convincing him he wasn’t good at social interaction even though when it came down to it, and he got over the hill of it, he coped fine and could maintain good conversation.

‘Yeah, second year.’ Harry told her. At the back of his mind he was telling himself not to focus on the initial few minutes. Harry knew the first moments were the worst for him, and he was learning to ignore them and not think about them, but just get through them to the part where it felt comfortable. For those first minutes he had to just let be what would happen and not let himself get too far into his head.

‘How’s it going?’ She asked, kindly. Harry had to wonder if Rae had warned her he wasn’t great with new people. If she didn’t know she was obviously good at reading people, if she did, she was doing well to be both sympathetic to him, but not appearing to feel sorry for him.

‘Not so bad, more stressful than first year.’ Harry laughed closing his eyes as something was sprayed into his hair. Harry wasn’t sure why Lou was working on him so efficiently. Surely if Rae needed Harry to look wet he could just dip himself under the bath water, but Harry was aware Lou and Rae definitely knew better than him. ‘Are you at uni?’

‘Yeah, third year though.’ Lou explained beginning to work on Harry’s face. He closed his eyes as she did so, tilting his chin to move his face towards the light a bit. ‘And at the make up school.’ Lou added with a little laugh.

The pair continued to chat as Lou finished up with Harry. Harry felt mentally more relaxed, physically he’d been making sure he looked as relaxed as possible from the moment he sat down. Slowly, though, the urge to find his ring or tug on sleeves he wasn’t wearing, dispersed. He found himself laughing naturally with Lou and not using it as a shield to hide anxiety, because it wasn’t there.

Harry was subconsciously aware that that he didn’t normally feel so calm so quickly around new people. For a while he’d been aware he felt different, he didn’t feel so on edge all the time. Although nerves and anxiety was still a battle for him, there were more mornings than normal when he woke and his heart wasn’t already racing inside his chest for no apparent reason. Less Sunday nights were spent chewing his nails until they were raw, not really focusing on his politics show at all.

Before Harry could even get to thinking about what had happened to cause the change, Lou was humming in satisfaction and smiling happily at him, her eyes scanning over his hair and face. He knew that look, he was sure it was how he looked when he finished a page in his sketchbook that he was happy with.

‘We’re done Rae, wanna come check.’ Lou called still admiring her masterpiece. Harry looked over to Rae though, watched her push herself up from where she was crouched on the floor fiddling with wires, and wander over to Lou and himself. Rae stood next to Lou, looking like the antithesis of the blonde haired, slight, woman. A gentle smile crept onto her face as she looked over Harry, and Harry tried not to blush reminding himself it was Lou’s work that was making her smile. ‘Ok?’

‘Yes, it’s perfect, thank you.’ Rae grinned looking to her friend for a second, but quickly looking back to Harry still grinning flicking her eyes over his hair that Lou had made look wet, styling it in such a way that he looked like he’d got out of the bath. She hadn’t done much to his face, but it looked glossy and damp, the sheen visible in the light. Rae caught his eye quickly though, her smile only getting bigger when she did so. ‘Do you wanna go and put those old jeans on, there’s a toilet through there.’ Rae told Harry, still smiling as always, and pointing towards the back of the room.

Harry nodded and walked towards the door Rae had pointed to. As the door of the single toilet closed behind him, he felt nerves erupt inside his stomach. They rose up from the pit of his tummy like flames from embers that had been smouldering away. They’d been there the whole time, simmering, but now he was alone with only his mind and without Rae to focus on, they boiled over and made him feel like he was teetering on the edge of something he should fear.

With hands threatening to shake, he undid the belt of his everyday, black jeans and pushed them down his legs. Harry stood in front of the mirror over the small sink, staring at himself. He was focused so hard on reasoning with himself and rationalising the day ahead, that he didn’t even really notice the small pink petals dotted in his hair. The sink took his weight as he leant on it, gripping at the cold porcelain until his knuckles turned white. He breathed in until his lungs were so full they felt like they might burst through his ribcage, and his throat ached with the need to release the air. He let it through his slightly parted lips, painfully slowly, counting down from ten as he did so.

He was going to be ok. I’m going to be ok. It’s going to be ok. Harry reassured himself silently in his head, staring into his own eyes in the mirror and not flinching away from the confident words repeating in his mind, in his voice.

Harry took one more of the painstakingly even, deep breaths he’d trained himself into doing. When he felt completely out of control of everything, when he was in a situation that put him on edge, it helped him to feel completely in control of his breath and how far he could push his body. What made him feel worse was when he felt people could sense his anxiety and it was making them uncomfortable. Therefore it was important for him, to at worst keep it hidden behind smiles and laughter, but at best to have it so under control it was hard for him to notice let alone someone else looking on.

Once he’d pulled on the old blue jeans that had been stuffed to the back of his underwear drawer, kept for any occasion that might mean he got dirty, Harry left the toilet. Lou and Rae were around the laptop, Rae stood up and Lou sat beside her on the long legged stool. Rae was talking, Lou looking up to her with a twisted neck, looking a little concerned as she nodded at Rae’s words. Harry couldn’t hear a word of what they were saying, but the way they fell silent and quickly looked to him when they heard his footsteps made him think they might have been talking about him.

Without him wanting it, his mind fell to New York and their kiss. He hadn’t told anyone, and suddenly his heart was beating with the fear that she’d just told Lou. Despite their smiles, he couldn’t help but feel under a spotlight he knew only he could see. It made him want to tell Niall, but he knew that was very different to Rae telling Lou, even if she had, and at the back of his mind he knew she probably hadn’t. Rae wasn’t like that. Even so, Harry felt suddenly isolated. Who could he talk to about what was going on inside him when he saw her smile, saw her name flash on his phone or was in her proximity, when his best friend was her best friend?

Harry didn’t let himself dwell, he self-regulated his thoughts they way he so often did, pulling himself in and away from the feelings rolling around inside. He pushed a smile on and reminded himself of the calm feeling he’d managed to find in the bathroom, the bliss of the deep breaths and the relief of letting the air out of his lungs and his own pace. Slowly he talked himself down from the hyper aware state he felt like he was in. The anxiety that was always just around the corner for him, would not ruin this for Rae, and for once he wouldn’t let it ruin it for him either, he was determined of that.

‘Ok?’ Rae asked moving away from the laptop and delving her hands into her pockets again. Harry nodded as he chucked his jeans to the floor where his bag and t-shirt lie next to the makeup chair.  ‘Great, well hop in and we’ll get started.’ Rae instructed with a smile. Harry was acutely aware of Lou’s presence as he stepped into the bath. The water inside was pink and a floral display was floating inside it, the leaves and petals shifting abruptly as Harry moved the water and sunk into it, glad the water was warm. ‘Is that warm enough?’ Rae called from behind him.

‘Yeah it’s good.’ Harry assured, getting himself comfortable.

‘Ok, good, shout if you start to get cold though and we’ll break and warm it back up.’ Harry nodded as Rae reached his side again, camera in hand. Harry was curious about the colour of the water but chose not to ask, instead focusing wholly on on being exactly and whatever Rae needed him to be.

‘Just relax, just going to do a few test shots, completely chill yeah?’ Rae reassured kneeling beside the bath, getting comfortable on her knees whilst she held Harry’s eyes. He nodded again, relaxing, not letting the nerves inside him (whatever was causing them) distract from what Rae was saying or her comforting tone of voice.

Harry was looking down at his legs and was distantly aware of the camera shutter sound in the background as Rae moved around in his peripheral vision. The more times the camera clicked the more the butterflies wound up inside him. Harry saw Rae stand up from how she was crouched, his eyes followed after her, scanning her from behind, not being able to stop himself from swallowing down on nothing as he watched her hips swing. He was fully aware the stirring inside of him was moving on from more than just a crush, but he was more than fully aware sat in the bath then was not the time to think about it.

As Rae stood at the laptop, her fingers flicking against the trackpad, Harry saw the smile lift the corners of her lips. Nervous anticipation had kept him on edge all morning, not knowing how the photo shoot would go played right into his anxiety’s hands. However, as he saw the content smile on Rae’s face, a smile he was getting to know very well, he felt more relaxed than when he’d stood in front of the mirror taking long, deep, even breaths.

‘They look great Harry.’ Rae beamed, looking up from the screen to meet Harry’s gaze the way she so often did. Harry smiled and let his eyes linger on her unashamedly, the way he regularly caught her doing with him, as she walked back towards him.

‘Are your necklaces gonna be ok?’ Rae asked motioning towards the silver chains that were always around his neck.

‘Yeah they’ll be fine don’t worry.’ Harry told her looking back down at the water now she was next to him.

‘Ok, well just in case.’ Rae murmured, picking up the necklaces and twisting them around his neck so they lay across his back. Harry shivered at the soft brush of her fingertips, but Rae was too focused on the pendants to notice. She’d never been close enough to really see them. Of course she’d noticed the cross that never seemed to come off, but now she also saw the lotus flower engraved into the square piece of silver that hung from the longer necklace. Harry rolled his shoulders and the cross fell back over his shoulders but the lotus stayed facing her and Rae tilted her head at it, deciding to leave the jewellery be.

‘If you just put your head forward,’ Rae directed, moving his head gently with her hand. ‘I’m gonna pour some water over you, ok?’ Harry nodded and closed his eyes as he heard a surge of water from behind him and then began to feel water crashing over his head and pouring over him. Harry could hear the camera shutter clicking incessantly, but was sure his eyes closed wasn’t the look Rae was going for. Harry lifted his hands to his eyes, rubbing the water out of them with his long fingers. Rae was stood to the front of him rather than behind, when he looked up mouth slightly agape, for some reason a little breathless.

‘Look at the water,’ Rae smiled, crouching again. ‘Sink down a bit.’ Harry heard the camera click. Suddenly he was feeling on edge but he had no idea why. The camera clicked and butterflies erupted inside him, each time more ferocious than the first. He should have known it couldn’t last long. ‘Relax.’ Rae breathed, reaching out for his arm and gripping his bicep loosely. Harry looked up to catch her eyes and she had that gentle, somewhat homely smile on her face. Rae tilted her head at Harry and everything inside him calmed back down. Rae let go of Harry’s arm and he looked back down at the water. The camera clicked again, but this time no butterflies.

‘I want one of just his eye, but I don’t want that water to get in his eye, can you do something?’ Rae asked turning to Lou, and it made Harry wonder, yet again, how the water was pink.

‘Sure.’ Harry could hear Lou busying herself from behind him, but he didn’t look to her instead looked Rae up and down as she sunk down onto her bum and crossed her legs. Rae, as always, was already looking at him and smiling sweetly up to him. ‘Ok?’ She asked silently and Harry just gave her a reassuring nod and smile, because he was now.

‘Close your eyes for me hun.’ Lou asked kneeling in front of Harry. He did as he was told and felt single droplets fall onto the skin under his eye. ‘Open.’ Harry did so. ‘Ok just relax.’ Harry tried, but winced quickly at the sight of a mascara stick coming towards his eye. Harry heard Rae chuckle and threw her an offended look.

‘Hey, don’t laugh.’ Harry pouted.

‘Just relax Harry, it’s not going in your eye.’ Rae laughed moving closer to him and Lou. It didn’t matter how many times it happened, Harry could never get his head around how she made him feel so on edge with something but simultaneously so easy.

‘I’d hope not.’ Harry exclaimed causing both Lou and Rae to laugh as Lou reached out to hold Harry’s head still so she could brush the clear mascara onto his lashes without him jolting back again.

‘Good?’ Lou asks reclining back a little.

‘Perfect, thanks.’ Lou smiled happily and grabbed her things wandering away as Rae turned her attention back to Harry. ‘Just look right at the lens,’ Harry swallowed and looked straight down the barrel of Rae’s lens. Despite the huge piece of technology between them, Harry was sure he could see her dark brown, hot chocolate on a winter's night, eyes. They made him feel warm even when he couldn’t see them in front of his own eyes, they were fairly well etched into his mind. ‘Blink.’ Rae instructed and as Harry opened his eyes the camera clicked again. ‘One more time, blink again.’ Harry did the same again and so did Rae. She smiled down at her camera and stood up. ‘Ok, just a couple more, put this on.’ Rae chucked Harry a patterned piece of fabric that Harry quickly unfolded.  

‘Where’d you get this?’ Harry asked looking at the black, but red and green floral patterned shirt that fell out of itself as he lifted it up.

‘Charity shop.’ Rae told him waiting patiently for him to put the shirt on.

‘What? I love it.’ Harry’s voice was mumbled as he pulled the top over his head pushing it down into the water around his stomach. Even so Rae laughed, rather than sighed as he covered up the artwork on his body that she could have stared at all day long.

‘You can have it if you want.’ Rae told him, tilting her head and chewing at her bottom lip as she contemplated what was before her. ‘Ok, hm.’ Rae sighed, tilting her head to the other side. ‘What do you think?’

‘About what?’ Harry queried, creasing his forehead at her.

‘What do you think would look cool?’ Rae explained motioning to him sat in the bath clad in a lairy shirt, his hair letting go of water droplets that fell down his face and tickled the back of his neck. Rae hadn’t expected to feel so flustered by him, half naked and soaking wet in front of her camera. It had definitely done the job of taking her mind of what else that day might mean to her.

‘I dunno it’s your shoot.’ Harry pointed out matter of factly, Rae smirking at him and taking steps closer.  

‘You’re meant to be an artist are you not?’ Harry chuckled and shook his head. Looking down at the water, he pulled his bottom lip into his mouth and thought what he might do if it was his project. He let his mind wander the way he let it wander when he was thinking of a concept for a new project. Harry didn’t know why, but Millais’ Ophelia came to mind. Slowly he lowered himself into the water, until the back of his head was under it, his ears brushing the surface but slowly submerging.

‘Careful of your eyes.’ Rae warned as Harry twisted his head, but then she saw it and her eyes went wide. ‘Ah ok, this is great stay there.’ Rae all but ran towards the bath and Harry could just about hear her fidgeting around through the water. Next thing he knew Rae was standing in the bath over him, her culottes rolled up nearly to her knees. Rae smiled down at him, a halo of flowers around his head. She lifted the camera to her eye and began taking photos, moving herself around him to get the shot she could see in her mind. ‘That looks awesome, nice.’ Rae beamed as she looked at the screen on the camera and stepped out off the tub. ‘You can sit up now,’ She laughed as she walked away from him, looking back to see Harry still laying in the water. ‘Just stay there a sec.’

Rae did the same as she had done earlier, scrolling on her laptop as the photos uploaded from her camera. The same pleased smile drew onto her face and Harry couldn’t have been happier to see it. He twisted further watching as Rae continued to look over the photos, waiting patiently for her to say something.

‘These look so good Harry.’ Rae glowed, finally looking to him again and putting her camera down. ‘Do you wanna take those wet clothes off?’ Rae suggested, pacing back to him with a towel and empty plastic bag. Harry pushed himself up in the bath, Rae noticing his triceps twitch and wishing she’d never suggested him putting a shirt on as she imagined the rippling muscles in his back. She half got her wish though as he pulled the shirt over his head. Her eyes wandered, without her really even meaning to let them, down his body, his broad chest and shoulders stretching even wider and his tight abdomen making her own flutter.

Rae took the shirt off him and put in the bag, trying with all her might not to blush as he unbuttoned his jeans and stepped out of the bath before pushing them down his legs. They swapped jeans for towel and Harry wrapped the towel around waist as Rae stuffed his jeans into the bag and he wandered to the bathroom, grabbing his dry clothes as he went, missing the wink Lou gave Rae as Rae turned back to her, cheeks scarlet and a little lost for words.

Harry couldn’t wipe the smile of his face as he towelled himself dry and got into his dry clothes. All along he knew it couldn’t really go as bad as his brain was telling him it could, but even so he felt relieved that Rae had been so happy with the photos. For once he didn’t doubt himself either. Rae had told him they looked good, so he was happy and content that they looked good.

Harry didn’t hang around getting himself dressed again. He roughly tousled his hair with the towel to get the majority of the water out, but just left it in a wet, half curly mess as he left the bathroom. When he got out, Rae was packing her things away, no sign of Lou anywhere. Rae turned to the sound of his feet, spinning on her heels and rising to her feet as she did so.

‘I coulda helped you tidy.’ Harry pointed out, tossing the towel over his forearm as he walked towards his bag to sling it on his shoulder.

‘Models don’t help tidy darling.’ Rae mocked, sounding more like Patsy from Ab Fab than Charlene from Neighbours for, what Harry hoped would be, the first and only time.

‘What are you doing this evening?’ Harry asked stopping just short of her, Rae pushing her hands into the pockets of her jeans comfortably.

‘Nothing.’ Rae shrugged, her mouth moving to one side as she looked up at Harry, almost through her thick dark lashes.

‘Home then?’ Harry suggested, and Rae nodded, smiling happily up at Harry.

++

Over the years, Rae had managed to figure out the best way to carry all of her equipment un aided. Even so, it was nice to have Harry’s help getting her things from his car to the house and up the stairs to her room. Harry left her to sort everything out though, putting all her things back in the place she kept them. It didn’t take her long, it was a well perfected dance by that point.

With everything back in its home Rae trotted down the stairs, phone in hand, to find Harry. The house was quiet when they got in. There were no lights on, no sounds, and a lack of shoes to block passing traffic in the hallway. There was rarely a time when no one was in, but Rae found that evening, she quite liked the stillness of the house. It rested easily on her and the invitation to join her other three housemates down the pub was one she could have easily ignored had she not had Harry to mention it to also.

‘Everyone’s down at The Ship, if you fancy it?’ Rae didn’t mean to make it clear that she didn’t fancy it, but Harry could see it written all over her, traipsing down to the pub on the corner of the high street, ten minute walk away, was the last thing she fancied doing. If he was honest, he wasn’t really up for it either. Especially when the other option was some time alone with Rae, something he’d been missing since their change in schedules meant they no longer got Wednesday afternoons alone together.

‘Or we could just have dinner and watch a movie?’ Harry suggested, half tentatively. The part of his brain that made him think the worst, twinged like a twisted muscle with too much pressure on it, making him think how she would laugh in his face at the idea. Not for the first time though, the other part of his brain that was normally just a twinge, but seemed to be becoming stronger now, laughed that pessimism away and reminded Harry that Rae wasn’t like that.

‘That sounds better,’ Rae smiled gratefully. ‘What do you fancy?’ She asked turning to the cupboards and pulling them open to look at what was inside. There wasn’t a lot, the last time they’d done a big shop of sorts was nearly a month ago and supplies were running thin.

‘Why don’t you let me cook for a change?’ Harry countered, pushing the cupboard closed from out of her hands. Rae looked up to him a little hurt, but also a little surprised.

‘No don’t be silly, let me, as a thank you for today considering you won’t take anything else off me.’ Rae pushed rolling her eyes as she remembered how he’d refused money, and a coffee, and food or a drink on the way home.

‘No, I wanted to do today and I want to cook for you, so you put the kettle on, make us a cuppa and sit down, for five minutes, please.’ Harry all but begged, holding the cupboard shut so Rae couldn’t pull it open again no matter how much she tried. She eventually realised Harry was adamant on cooking, so gave an exaggerated sigh, making sure Harry could hear it, before turning to fill the kettle up not giving him another word or another glance and therefore, missing the humoured grin Harry was wearing as he watched her begin to fill the kettle.

As Rae set about making two mugs of tea, Harry began gathering ingredients for one of the only dishes he was confident he could remember exactly. Marmite chicken. Harry’s sister had made it for him one night when his mum was out, on a date, and Harry had thought it had sounded gross, but he was wrong. It was delicious and he knew he had to have the recipe. He’d been cooking it ever since, but hadn’t done in a while after Rae’s arrival and her domination of the kitchen. Not that him or any of the other boys were complaining. There was no denying she could cook and none of them had resorted to pot noodles or buttered toast for all three meals of the day since she’d been living with them.

‘Oh shit, please don’t tell me someone's finished my marmite.’ Harry groaned as he searched the fridge in case some fool had decided that marmite needed refrigerating.

‘Well it wasn’t me, vegemite for life.’ Rae quipped taking a sip of her tea and widening her eyes as she did so. Harry had to suppress a chuckle as he glared at her, one hand on his hip. ‘You can use it instead if you want?’

‘Is it the same?’ Harry queried, clearly not convinced by the alternative option.

‘No it’s vastly superior but it can only make the meal better right?’ Rae jested, tilting her head as she did so. Harry smirked. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t find it endearing how she dipped her neck to one side when she was joking with people, sarcasm dripping from her voice like honey.

‘I dunno about that.’ Harry doubted with one cocked eyebrow.  ‘One way to find out.’ He shrugged in defeat, reaching up for Rae’s cupboard and pulling down the jar of vegemite. It wasn’t the one with her name on it that he’d bought her for Christmas, that was long gone, she was at least three jars down since then. Even so the memory of how ecstatic she’d been with the gift bought a smile to his face.

The room fell silent of their voices as Harry cooked, the only sound the hissing and spitting of the wok as Harry added an array of ingredients. It wasn’t normal for Rae to sit in silence, she always found something to talk about. Harry was aware the quiet was full of all the thoughts in her head that were surely making her mind noisy. As he looked over his shoulder his suspicions were confirmed. Rae was staring down into her mug that was still mostly full, the liquid inside almost definitely stone cold by now. Harry could tell she was chewing on the inside of her cheek, the way she did when she was lost in thought or concentrating on something.

There had always been a part of Harry that wanted those in his life to feel loved and accepted and comfortable. It made him feel better in the same way seeing people uncomfortable at the thought he might be feeling anxious made him feel worse. With Rae the urge was stronger, it always had been. It was what made him arrive far too early at the airport at Christmas, what had made him share his journal with her, what had made him suggest getting her guitar sent over. There was a stirring in the bottom of his stomach, aware by trying to make her comfortable now, he could make her uncomfortable, but he couldn’t say nothing.

‘Ok love?’ Rae looked up quickly to Harry’s question and flashed a fake smile at Harry, nodding just as unconvincingly. Harry shook his head, skirting the table to pull the chair out next to her and sit down. ‘You’re a rubbish liar.’

‘I’m not lying.’ Rae exaggerated with a false chuckle.

‘You are, you’re clearly not ok.’ Harry pointed out. Rae just looked down at the tea she’d taken two sips of, not really sure what to say to Harry.  ‘It is ok to not be a ball of sunshine all the time y’know?’ Harry implored, silently begging her to open up to him, but also knowing better than most not to push too hard.

‘Just hate being negative.’ Rae murmured reaching for the mug, wishing it was still warm when her icy fingers clasped it.

‘You’re not being negative Rae.’ Harry sighed, Rae shrugging, her bottom lip pouting a little. ‘Stop it, you’re fine, you feel sad, you’re a human, you’re allowed.’ Harry stressed finally reaching for her hand, taking it off the mug and holding it tight, frozen cold as always.

‘It’s Jonah’s anniversary.’ Rae admitted quietly. Out of the corner of her eye she looked up to Harry, trying to gauge his reaction. She hated how out of sorts it could make people feel saying something like that, and he hated having no choice but to say it. There was no way she could sit and lie to Harry, not when he could see straight through her. He didn’t recoil though, and his eyes didn’t flicker as his mind raced to find the right words. He just started back at her, the only change his nostrils flaring so slightly if she’d have been any further away she might not have seen. ‘Essie already told you didn’t she?’ Harry just nodded slowly, feeling guilty, like he shouldn’t know.

‘Do you mind?’ Harry questioned, quietly, nervous that she would mind and she’d get mad at him.

‘Not particularly.’ Rae mumbled. She didn’t, not really, although she did a bit. Of course she understood why Essie had done it, but she would have preferred to be the one to tell Harry. Entering her mind then, was the knowledge he’d known all day, but she couldn’t see how he’d treated her any differently, walked on eggshells around her because of it, the way she knew he should have done according to past experiences. And then she didn’t mind at all. Harry never handled her like she was a china doll in spite of anything she ever told him, he couldn’t possibly understand how grateful Rae was for that.

‘Sorry I should have told you I knew.’ Harry fretted as moments of silence passed that felt too long for him.

‘It’s ok, it’s fine.’ Rae reassured with a smile that Harry knew meant she was being genuine.  

‘Will you tell me about him?’ Harry asked before he could stop himself. He didn’t know where it came from or why he said it, but now it was out there he supposed he should continue.  ‘About Jonah, I want to know about him.’ Harry informed her and it wasn’t a lie. Ever since the first time Rae had told Harry about Jonah, all he’d wanted was to hear all about her big brother. It was clear from the way she spoke about him, even if it was minimal, that he was instrumental to the person she’d become and was still turning into, and not just because of what happened to him.

Rae took a deep breath and thought about it for a second. Where to start mainly. She hadn’t spoken about Jonah properly in so long that it almost felt foreign to be doing so again. She hadn’t forgotten about any part of him, but it took a second to find it and bring it through the brambles of her mind that kept the part reserved for him slightly shadowed. When she started though, she found she couldn’t stop. So much of her formative years involved Jonah. He was always there, when she looked back, at every checkpoint and although it made her sad that he wouldn’t be there with his goofy grin and soft amber, brown eyes for the upcoming checkpoints it filled her with a warmth reminiscent of the first summer day to be talking about him again.

‘He had these golden bits in his eyes, me and Essie didn’t get them,’ Rae rolled her eyes as Harry thought how much he loved her pure, espresso coloured eyes, ‘He used to bag on us all the time, saying he was the golden child because of it.’ Rae chuckled and Harry smiled as she clearly filled with joy as more memories came to her mind. ‘Sorry I’m talking too much.’ Rae blushed looking down at her lap.

‘No I like it.’ Harry grinned squeezing the hand he was still holding onto. ‘It’s nice to hear.’

‘You should probably finish dinner though.’ Rae reminded Harry nodding towards the pan that Harry had turned down to a low simmer before he’d begun their conversation.

‘It’s ok, I don’t mind if you want to carry on talking.’ Harry offered, but Rae shook her head.

‘My tummy’s starting to growl at me, so maybe we should eat.’ She jested. Harry chuckled, standing and wandering over to the food.

Harry dished up the food into two bowls, handing one to Rae. They agreed they’d eat on the sofa in front of a movie, Rae’s choice as long as it wasn’t Cars again, Harry bargained because he really couldn’t watch it for a tenth time in two weeks. Rae opted for Ghost, one of her favourites and potentially the only movie of that genre Harry hadn’t seen.

They sat on the sofa, closer than they normally would and finished their dinner to the soundtrack of Unchained Melody, Rae quite happy she could use the excuse of scraping up the last few noodles to be looking away. She didn’t know why she felt hot under the collar as the movie got a little steamy, she was definitely not a prude, but with Harry sat next to her she felt like a teenage girl sitting on the couch with her high school crush after being invited round for tea for the first time. It gave her the same excited butterflies, and made her feel just as light and fuzzy.

Harry took her empty plate from her, placing them on the floor beside the sofa before relaxing back and unashamedly sliding his hips a little closer to Rae. Fuck it Rae thought to herself doing the same and letting her upper body lean into Harry’s. She didn’t feel him freeze or recoil from her, so she leant in further, until her head found a place on his chest, the broad muscles solid underneath her.

It didn’t take long for Harry to give in to his urges too and wrap his arm around her pulling her as close as she could. It didn’t take much longer for him to shift Rae so he could put his legs up and they could lay on the couch together. Rae tucked into him, pushing her back into his front as his arm gripped her securely to prevent her from falling of the sloppy sofa cushions.

The film hadn’t even really started when Rae’s body got slowly more limp by Harry’s. She squirmed in front of him, wiggling against him and groaning sleepily before turning herself over to face Harry. Her eyes were closed as Harry looked down at her, her face completely relaxed as she made her head comfortable on his arm. Harry couldn’t help but sigh contentment and give in to pressing a soft, but long kiss against her forehead. Rae didn’t seem to feel it, she didn’t make a sound or a movement, but with her asleep in his arms, Harry found himself sleeping into an equally blissful state.

++

Harry stirred, slowly. He groaned quietly as consciousness came back to him. Light was pouring into the room and it took him a few seconds, and lots of blinking his vision back, for him to realise he was still on the sofa, Rae still pushed into his body but facing the room rather than him. He could feel it. He could feel her against it, and really he should have known it would happen. Too many mornings he’d woken with the image of her soaking standing on her bed, or with a towel around her in the kitchen doorway, that he should have foreseen it being too much for his body to have her that close and not react.

Rae squirmed against him, her backside rubbing him enough that he had to bite his lips together to keep from groaning as the sensations roared through him. This can’t be happening. He cursed himself and his male urges as he peeled away from Rae. There was no way she could wake to him in this state, that’s if she wasn’t already awake and knew what was happening. Of course she knows. Harry convinced himself before he hopped from the sofa as carefully as he could not wanting to wake Rae.

His bag was by the door, he didn’t know what was in it, he didn’t care. Harry grabbed the bag, pushed his feet into his boots and rushed out of the door. He’d be spending the day at the library whether there was work he could do in his bag or not, he’d find something, let Rae get her laughter at his expense out of his system. She’s not like that Harry. It didn’t matter how much he knew it to be true, he couldn’t face her now.

A/N Thank you to @huninthesun for letting me know this was missing. Apparently it had been taken down, anybodys guess as to why, but here it is for those who were tryna find it. Hope you like it!

[mental-health-advice]

Submission from Jord@n

My house, my room, and my family are so bad for my mental health. If I go out for the day with friends/my boyfriend, I feel better; any depression/existential anxiety/suicidal ideation I had been dealing with kinda stays in the back of my mind instead of being all I can think about. But when I have to come home, it’s like I enter this intensely dark space where it all comes back full force. If I was financially able to, I would move out tomorrow, but unfortunately, I’m stuck here until I can. And that’s exactly how I feel; Stuck.

I’ve been needing to clean my room for ages, it getting messy has been a problem all my life. I actually got it fairly clean back in the early fall when we had a yard sale and I was boxing things up. But since then, I’ve had nowhere to put the boxes and things have just been piling up on top of them. It needs to be cleaned, and I want it to be clean, I just can’t seem to find the energy or motivation. The only time I feel up to it is if I get a random spike of motivation in the middle of the night (I’m a night owl) but then everyone is asleep and the sensible part of my mind tells me to go tf to bed.

It’s also hard feeling up to cleaning because I’d have to do a lot of lifting and moving things around and I have chronic back and joint pain and fatigue (which, like the mental problems, gets worse at home).

I WANT my personal space to be clean and organized. I know that having a space that is free of clutter, organized, and decorated in a way I like - filled with things I like - would help me a lot mentally and emotionally, especially if I’m dealing with any problems with my family. I even have entire Pinterest boards dedicated to organization/storage hacks and decor ideas. But I have no idea where/how to start. It’s gotten so bad and if I try to start (or even just think about starting) I get so overwhelmed and drained; which, in turn, makes my depression and pain worse.

Thank you for listening (reading?), I’d appreciate any advice <3

-Jord@n

Hi darling,

I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been struggling with this! I can relate a lot to part of what you’re going through; knowing it will help you mentally/emotionally if your room is clean, but struggling to find the motivation and energy to actually do so. This is something you’re definitely not alone in! Often it’s really hard to do the things that we know will be good for us. 

Honestly, I think it would be perfectly okay to clean your room in the middle of the night if that’s when you get a random spike of motivation. Of course it would be great if you could do it during the day, but so far that’s been proven not to happen, so then the night is a good alternative. It’s something I’ve done a lot of times as well. Of course you need to stay quiet, which can make it a bit harder, but you can still get a lot done without waking everyone up. And you can use the days afterwards to get back into a better sleeping rhythm. 

When cleaning my room, I always find it a bit easier if I divide it up into small parts. I usually start with putting my clothes away, because it’s a small task and not too overwhelming. Sometimes if I don’t really have the energy to deal with it, I’ll just put it all in my laundry basket. That way at least my clothes aren’t lying around on multiple chairs throughout my room, and I can later when I feel more up for it actually do my laundry and deal with it. I also usually have a lot of papers throughout my room, so I first go through them to see what can be thrown away. The rest I leave in one pile that I will deal with later again. If I have a lot of motivation, I make a few smaller piles (uni, work, therapy, ballet, etc.) but I gotta admit these usually still end up in one big pile. 

I don’t know exactly what kind of things are cluttering your room, so it’s hard to give specific advice. But maybe you can start (if not with clothes or papers) with the things that are on top of your boxes? Start with one box and take it from there. See if you can assign everything a place which will be ‘their own spot’. If you have a certain spot for everything, it can make cleaning a bit easier as you just put it in its spot and then you’re done. Finding this spot can be hard at first though, especially if your room is messy. For that, I find it helpful to remind myself that even if I give something a spot now, the spot can change if needed later on! 

Is there a way for you to store the boxes outside of your room, in an attic or basement for example? If that’s possible, then this could also be what you start with. Throw everything that’s on top of the boxes on your bed for the time being and first get those boxes out of your room. Maybe this is something someone else can help with as well, so that it doesn’t get too tiring for you? If it isn’t possible to store the boxes elsewhere, maybe it’s good to have a second look at what’s inside. There might be some things in there that you don’t need after all and that you can throw away instead. Or if that isn’t the case, maybe you could take the things out of the boxes and put them in compartments that are easier to store in your room. If it’s a big bulky box I can imagine you don’t have room for it, but if it’s less high it might fit on a shelf in your closet for example. 

I also don’t think this is something you have to do by yourself! If you’re comfortable, you could ask for the help of some friends for example? I know it isn’t easy to have to admit you aren’t doing well and that things have gotten out of hand, but if they’re good friends they’ll jump in to help right away! I don’t know if your friends know about your mental health struggles? If they do, it might be easier to open up and ask them for help than if it’s an entirely new topic for them, but still it would be more than okay to ask for their help! 

Sometimes if something is really overwhelming for me, I like to write down step by step what I need to do. That way I’m breaking it down on paper and I can visually see it’s actually small things. Breaking it down in my head doesn’t always give me the reassurance that it’s doable, but seeing it written down can make the difference there. 

If you want to message us back with a bit more details on the situation in your room, you’re more than welcome to! If you address the ask or submission to me, we can make a plan with small steps together. More than happy to help in any way I can! I hope this was at least a little bit helpful as well though, and that you’ll be able to clean your room and get back in control. 

For the time being, you might not financially be able to move out yet, but I hope you are soon! You deserve to be in a healthier environment and therefore not be struggling as much. Since being out and about with your friends seems so helpful, I’d highly encourage you to continue doing so! It’s the ultimate distraction sometimes, and most definitely welcome. Take good care of yourself love! 

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard.

Keep fighting beautiful <3 Love Pauline

[topfics]

Too Good At Goodbyes

Harry Styles X Reader

A/N: so I’ve been obsessed with Sam Smith’s song, Too Good At Goodbyes lately. And it’s inspired me to write something angsty. I am a sucker for angst, so I hope you like it. I’ll be writing something for Ty soon, I promise. It’s just hard as they’re on hiatus. So please stick with me. I really do appreciate all of your support. It means the world to me. The italics will either mean it’s the future or the past, or a phone call or text! Please keep that in mind as you’re reading.

Trigger warnings: angst, mention of death

“You know I love you more than anyone in this world, but we can still love each other without being together, right?” she pulls her sleeves over her hands, wiping at her eyes. Mascara ran down her face, streaking her cheeks with black. Harry broke on the inside, seeing her so hurt. He didn’t think he would ever get over that. He was protective, always defending her no matter where they were. Harry didn’t like seeing her upset. She was always so bubbly, cheerful. It was only recently that he started to notice that something was actually wrong.

Harry was always gone, never to be seen when she needed him most. Ever since they were children they were attached at the hip. The pair were inseparable, and right before he auditioned for X Factor, he finally got the guts to make things official between the two of them. She was at university and he was touring the world, so it made things hard to keep up. They facetimed every night, needing to hear each other’s voice no matter how late or early it was. They were independent, sure. But they depended a lot on each other as well. They could breathe on their own, but it was always easier when they were together.

Whenever Y/N was on holiday, she would go with Harry on tour, watching him do what he loved most. He held her heart, and she held his. Their relationship would make anyone jealous. They were truly happy, they were meant to be together. No matter what the world decided to throw at them, they would easily get through it. At first, she was apprehensive to date her best friend. He was becoming one of the world’s biggest stars, and well… she felt like she was a nobody.

Even though they meant the world to each other, she wouldn’t let him in when they began to date. Y/N had dated several others before her, and it always ended up the same: they would leave her in the dirt and find someone else. Someone “better” than she could ever be. She opened up easily before all of that, and now she was terrified to open up. She was scared to be hurt again. And when Harry asked her to be his girlfriend, she thought it was going to be easy, she really did. But Y/N was wrong. She worked hard at it. The relationship wasn’t supposed to be any different than their friendship, so what was holding her back? Perhaps it was because the stakes were higher? If things ended badly, would their friendship last?

Harry was always grounded because of Y/N. She kept him humble, she ensured that he was always a gentleman wherever he was, whatever he was doing. He was thankful for that. He didn’t ever want to lose a part of himself as he became more and more famous. Whenever things got too stressful, she was there to comfort him. To bring him home.

“H, you really need to get some rest.” she coos. “It’s been days since you’ve had a good night’s rest. I’m really worried.”

“ ‘m alright, pet. Promise. Be in bed soon, just gonna finish up this song, yeah?” he responds, the exhaustion clearly showing in his voice. “Gotta have it by tomorrow night, otherwise the team’s gonna have my ass.” he reaches for her hand, giving it a tight squeeze. “ ‘m almost finished. Stop worryin’ so much. ‘S not good for your health darlin’.”

She purses her lips and pouts, and with that Harry sighs and puts his pen down. He could never say no to her whenever she had that pleading look in her eyes. He crawls into bed with Y/N, holding her smaller frame against his larger one. She was right, he hadn’t had a good night’s rest in a long time. He was trying to finish writing a few songs for their next album.

Harry holds her close to his chest, listening to her gentle heartbeat. He closes his eyes and falls asleep to the gentle thumping that came from his lover’s body.

“Harry?” Nick snaps him out of his trance. He couldn’t lie, he was thinking of Y/N as she lie in bed alone, probably wondering if he had been getting his well deserved rest. Harry was currently in Jamaica, writing his solo album. He begged Y/N to come with him, but knew she couldn’t due to her being in school still. Harry could tell that she was exhausted and would give anything to get away, but she simply couldn’t.

“Please, Y/N. Just come with me. Want you there with me.” Harry pleads.

“Harry, you know I would love to come with you, but I can’t just up and leave uni. I’m so close to finishing, and when I’m done I will come with you on tour and everything. Promise.” she smiles ever so sweetly, standing on her tiptoes to give him a gentle kiss.

“I know, just miss you so much, love.” he sighs. The boys announced their hiatus and just got back from their tour, only to be leaving right after to get started on his solo album. He wasn’t even home for a month before he left her once more. Harry never realized how much it hurt Y/N when he left. How she would cry for him to come back after he shut the door, how the love they once shared slowly dwindled down to something that was barely holding on by a thread.

“You know I miss you too, H. And I would give anything to be with you. I’ll always be there in spirit, and you know that. I’m just a phone call away.”

“What is it?” Harry finally answers.

“You alright, mate? Seem out of it lately.” Nick inquires.

Harry shrugs and knuckles his eyes, the exhaustion catching up to him. He wished Y/N was here to force him to take a nap. He wanted her there so she could play with his hair as he fell asleep. He wanted to kiss her full, pink lips. Harry wanted her to be there. He was close to finishing up the album, and he couldn’t wait to get back home to her.

He felt awful for not calling her as often as he should’ve, or responding to her texts. Harry was worried that she was crying. He had become so busy that he didn’t seem to have a single care in the world. At times, he found himself going out to drink, getting so drunk that he would start to dance with random girls, not knowing what was getting into him until Jeff knocked some sense into him by dragging him out of the bar and showing him his phone. It was only then when he saw a picture of her that he snapped out of his frenzy.

He would rub his temples and would try to call Y/N, his attempts only reaching the voicemail.

“Hey there! It’s Y/N. So sorry I can’t get to the phone right now, but I’d love it if you dropped a voicemail! I’ll get back to you soon!”

“Hey, love, ‘s me.” he slurred. “ ‘m so sorry ‘ve been so MIA lately…” he rubbed his eyes and paused, not really sure what he was going to say. Why was it so hard for him to talk? This never happened, but it felt forced. He didn’t know why. “We’re almost finished here, be home soon. Want to hear your voice. Call me when you have the chance, yeah?”

He hung up the phone and tossed it on the pillow next to him, groaning to himself. What was the matter with him? Why was everything becoming so difficult? Harry loved Y/N, so why did he feel like things were going down the drain? He couldn’t possibly lose her, not now. Not ever.

His phone rang shortly after, her name lighting up his phone. He smiles and picks it up, groggily greeting her with a hello.

“Hey H.” she didn’t sound too happy. And she sounded tired. Mentally? Physically? He wasn’t sure which it was anymore.

“How’re you, petal?” he slurs.

“Alright, how about you?” she inquires, not much emotion showing in her voice. Y/N didn’t sound excited like she normally is. She wasn’t asking him about the album, or when he would be back. She just sounded… hurt. Was that the word he was looking for? He wasn’t sure why she was acting so cold towards him.

“Good. ‘m good. Just got home from the bar with the band. Had a couple o’ drinks… be home in a week or two.”

“I know. Seemed to be having a lot of fun with those girls grinding on you.” she spits out. Her voice cracks ever so slightly, and he knows she’s on the verge of tears. Harry hated to admit it, but this isn’t the first time it happened. He has gotten drunk on way too many occasions and found himself dancing with strangers. He never wanted to admit it, but he was close to cheating on Y/N as well. Though he never did, he found himself looking for people that looked like her. He seeked them out and his band members had to drag him out and take him back home before he did something that he would regret for the rest of his life.

“Babe, ‘s not what it looks like.” Harry began.

“I’m sure it wasn’t. It’s just not something I want to see at 5 am. My phone was going nuts. And all my notifications were about this. Look, I’ll see you when you get back. I’m really exhausted and I… I need to go.”

Harry felt his heart drop into the pit of his stomach. Y/N’s voice was trembling. He couldn’t bear the thought of her crying herself back to sleep because of him. Because of some stupid drunken thing he did. He doesn’t know what’s gotten into him. He could have any person he so desired, and he was taking advantage of it. Harry was never one to keep a relationship for too long. He hated being committed to one person for extended periods of time. Maybe he was too good at goodbyes. It was easy for him to break things off with people. He didn’t feel like he needed to be tied down by anyone.

That was until he realized that he was in love with his best friend. He noticed that he couldn’t live without her. He was a mess all the time, and he needed her to take care of him. Y/N was his anchor, his boulder. The one thing that was really consistent in his life.

“ ‘m sorry, love. Really. Go back to bed. I love you.”

“Love you too, H. Goodnight.”

And with that the line went silent. He frowned at her words. To them, “love you” and “I love you” have different meanings to it. They would say “love you” whenever they were angry and upset at each other. It never held the same meaning without the “I” in it. Didn’t feel as special anymore.

Harry finally arrived home, smiling as he saw Y/N waiting at the airport for him to arrive.

“Love!” he shouted as he dropped his bags and ran to her, picking her up off the ground as he spun her around. “ ‘ve missed you.” he begins showering her with kisses.

She laughs slightly and looks down at him, kissing his nose.

“Missed you too, Harry.” she takes his hand and walks out to the car with him, the shine in her eyes only returning a little bit. She didn’t want him to see her cry. Y/N had reached her breaking point. She worked her ass of to get into her top school, only to be denied. On top of that her grandpa died recently, and she had to go to the funeral alone because when she told Harry, he was drunk. She knew that after the release of his album, he would go on tour again, leaving her to be by herself as she finished up her studies. It didn’t help that the news outlets had articles floating around about Harry leading a mystery woman to his room while he was in Jamaica. Normally, she would never believe any of those stories, but with so many things piling up on her plate emotionally, she wasn’t sure what to believe anymore or how to feel. Her mental health was in no way in good condition. She became numb very easily.

She got in the car and began to drive to their shared home, not really talking too much on the way back. Harry didn’t seem to mind though, he was simply on his phone texting away to his friends, checking social media, whatever the hell was going on in his life.

Y/N pulled into the driveway and helped Harry with his luggage, bringing it back inside. The house still had that familiar floral scent that Y/N loved so much. He takes in a deep breath and smiles to himself, plopping down on the couch after he brings his things back into their bedroom.

“Ah, feels good to be home.” he stated happily. Harry notices that Y/N doesn’t come sit down next to him immediately like she normally does when he returns from a long time away from her. “Come ‘ere, pet. Want to cuddle yeh.”

She nods and sits down next to him, deciding to lay her head on his lap as he played with her hair. She shuts her eyes in hopes that she can prevent the tears from falling, but to no avail. He feel something fall onto his leg, warm and wet.

“Love, are you cryin’?” he asks quietly.

Y/N shakes her head and curls into a ball, wiping her eyes subtly.

“What’s wrong?” he continues to pry.

“Nothing. Don’t worry about it.” she stuttered.

“No, love, look at me. What’s goin’ on?”

Deep down, Harry knew. He knew about all the nights she cried herself to sleep, he knew how her tears would dry faster with time whenever he left. Harry knew that he was fucking up, but he didn’t know how to fix any of it. He was away more than he was home, and when he was home, he wasn’t focused on the two of them, he was focused on something completely different. Everytime she came to visit, he didn’t spend much time with her at all, leaving her alone on the tour bus. It wasn’t until the last few months when he noticed the light in her burning out. He never understood what was happening until Niall brought it to his attention.

“Oi, mate. Your girl alright?”

Harry glances over at Y/N sitting at the bar by herself, swirling her glass of alcohol around. It was untouched, and the ice was beginning to melt.

“She looks alright to me.” he half yells in the club they were in.

“You sure? She seems a bit sad. Doesn’t seem as happy anymore to me.” Niall responds.

Harry looks over one more time, now noticing her pale face, the bags under her eyes, and the dulled expression in her eyes. He was right. How could he not notice this before? Not only was she his girlfriend, but she was his best friend as well. He could always tell when something was wrong.

‘Y/N, talk to me.” Harry demands.

She sits up from his lap, using his borrowed sweater to wipe her eyes.

“You know I love you more than anyone in this world, but we can still love each other without being together, right?” she pulls her sleeves over her hands, wiping at her eyes. Mascara ran down her face, streaking her cheeks with black. Harry broke on the inside, seeing her so hurt. He didn’t think he would ever get over the sight of her breaking right in front of him.

“What are you talkin’ bout, darlin��?” he whispers.

“Harry…” she begins. “I’ve been trying so hard. So fucking hard to be myself, to be that happy, normal girl I normally am. But it’s… it’s so difficult. I’m tired. I’m drained. I can’t keep doing this whole… waiting for you to come back for me. Wondering if you’ve found someone better… the thought that you could leave me in the dirt. You know you’re my best friend and the love of my life, and you always will be… but fuck Harry! It’s like you aren’t even here anymore. Even when you’re with me… your head is somewhere else. I can’t take it. I had to go to my grandpa’s funeral alone because you couldn’t even spare a couple of days to be with me. You know how close I was with him! It would’ve meant the world to me if you were there to help me. I had no one! My mom’s a deadbeat and my dad left us. You were supposed to be the one to hold me. You were supposed to be there for me when I spoke about him, and how I was crying on the stand hoping someone would be there to let me know that everything was going to be okay. I got denied to go to my top graduate school, and I couldn’t even tell you because you were so proud of your album and I didn’t want to be a nuisance about it. It’s not fair, Harry. It’s really not!” she explodes. She’s sobbing now, the pain in Harry’s chest increasing with every tear that falls from her delicate face. He never realized how much pain she was in. Sure, he began noticing the signs that something was wrong… but he didn’t know about all this new information she just let out on him.

Harry didn’t have any words. What was he supposed to say? An apology wasn’t going to cut it, but at this point he wasn’t even sure words were going to make anything okay anymore. His vision became blurry as tears began to fill his own eyes, the emerald green that once showed so much love and light disappearing. It was replaced with hurt and anger, mainly at himself for not being a better boyfriend, and being a shit best friend.

Harry was snapped out of his trance when she spoke once more.

“We don’t stand a chance, do we Harry?”

[irish-nlessing]

Making the Grade - Ch. 2

A/N: Thank you all so much for your patience.  I’m so sorry this took so long!  This wouldn’t be possible without the support from my friends and readers.  I truly appreciate you guys!

Chapter 1

“Wait wait.  Here comes Lou - tell him what she said when you asked for her number.”  Harry’s laughter peals across the corner of the lacquered bar where Niall’s leaning with his head in his hands.  “Christ Harry, ya think you could keep your voice down to a dull roar?”  Niall can feel his cheeks burning hot with shame.  The entire debacle has been running through his head on a constant loop since the afternoon.  After Poppy had stormed out of his classroom, Niall was left standing at his desk, his mouth hanging open and his arms hanging uselessly at his sides.  For a brief moment he considered running after her, but what would he say?  “Hey, just so you know, I wasn’t hitting on you?”  Niall may have terrible luck with women, but he wasn’t a complete idiot.  Even he knew that wasn’t the way into a pretty girl’s good graces.  So, instead, he sank down into the hard plastic chair, took a deep breath, and shoved all his papers into his worn leather messenger bag.  By the time he’d made it to the pub to meet Harry, Niall’s mood hadn’t improved.  He’s skulked into the bar, heaving himself onto the stool next to Harry’s and waved Louis down for a pint and a shot of Jameson.  Harry had coaxed the entire story from Niall and was now forcing him to repeat it to the bartender for his own sadistic pleasure.  

Louis sidled up to the bar, flipping a bar towel over his shoulder.  They’d made friends with Louis almost immediately, deciding that his caustic attitude and relentless sarcasm could be tolerated because of their shared love of football and collective homesickness for the UK. “Ok Harold, you’ve made your point.  Spill it, Nialler.”  Louis was working on his Masters in psychology, a degree that came in handy more often than not working as a bartender.  With a deep sigh and a tug on his fringe for good measure, Niall reluctantly filled in his friend.

“I kinda accidentally asked out one of my students this afternoon.  Got me ass handed to me in the process.”  Niall raised his eyebrows and took another swig of his pint.  “Gotta be honest, she was fuckin’ terrifying.”  Slumping against the bar in defeat, Niall stared at the drops of condensation rolling down his glass.  

“I’m sorry, did you say you ‘accidentally’ asked out a student, Neil?”  Louis was staring incredulously at Niall, a wicked cackle starting to bubble up from his slight frame.  “How do you accidentally ask someone out?  I mean, logistically, how does it happen?”  Louis and Harry were shaking with laughter as Niall sat back and glared at both of them.

“For your information, Lewis, I wasn’t trying to ask her out.  It was a complete misunderstanding.”  Harry slapped Niall’s shoulder, shaking him slightly in his seat.  “Happens to the best of us, right Lou?”  Harry looked pointedly at Louis, nudging his chin in Niall’s direction.  Louis got the hint, and  piped up quickly.  “Sure Ni, sure.  I mean, can’t win em all can ya?”

Niall slammed his fist down on the bar, startling his friends and a few other patrons nearby.  “I wasn’t asking her out!  Fuck, mate! I just….I’m just…….”  Niall took a breath and slumped his shoulders forward.  “I’m tired of bein’ the butt of everyone’s jokes.  I don’t need to be like Harry, pullin’ a new piece of ass every weekend -”  Harry pulled a face, the corners of his mouth tugging down.  “Heyyyyyyyyyy!”  Niall rolled his eyes and continued.  “But it would be nice, for once, not to have to perform a post mortem every time I interact with a woman!”  Niall slammed the rest of his beer, and pushed his stool back.  The legs scraped harshly against the worn wood of the floor making Harry and Louis cringe.  Throwing a few bills down on the bar, Niall grabbed his bag and slung it around his broad shoulders.  “Just, nevermind.  I’ll get over it.  See ya later, yeah?”  Harry and Lou silently watched his figure retreat through the swinging doors of the bar, disappearing down the street.

The early fall air was beginning to cool down, and scattered leaves swirled across the sidewalk as Niall trudged towards his apartment.  His head swam with a tangled mess of emotions and thoughts.  He’d never blown up like that in front of his friends.  He took great pride in being rational and even-keeled, and was tolerant almost to a fault.  For the life of him, he couldn’t figure out why this one moment, this one girl, had rooted so far into his psyche.  He’d never given much thought to any of the girls that had come and gone over the years.  Even sweet Claire, the girl he dated his last year at uni.  She was nice, things were easy, and neither of them put a lot of effort into being together.  He loved her, or at least, he thought he did.  Looking back, he didn’t remember feeling particularly sad when she’d rolled over in his bed the morning after graduation and broken up with him.  He’d simply agreed that it was probably for the best and wished her well.  There were other girls too.  Megan, the barista from his favorite coffee shop who always wore red lipstick and had given him free coffee for two months before he realized she liked him.  When that had ended, he was more upset about having to find a new place to get his morning cuppa.  Then there was Alex, the French Literature major who was subletting the apartment above his.  They’d bonded over a mutual love of crossword puzzles.  Niall had actually thought that was going well until he walked into Harry’s room one morning looking for a spare umbrella and found Alex lounging gracefully in Harry’s bed….naked.  When Harry begged forgiveness for the trespass, Niall had waved him off without another thought.  Then there was Heather.  The infamous “negative date” that garnered him so much grief from his colleagues.  Niall had been drawn in by her long, fiery red hair and sharp tongue.  That, of course, had ended disastrously.  Last he heard she was dating one of the Latin TAs - some bloke called Liam that was usually described as “tall, dark, and handsome.”  That had been the last straw - it was too much effort to waste, so Niall had casually sworn off dating.  When he explained it to Harry, his friend had just sighed and shook his head.  “Hope you’re not expecting some sort of solidarity out of me, mate.”  With that he’d grabbed two bottles of water from the fridge and sauntered back into his room for round four with Mel.  Or was it Char?  Niall couldn’t remember, only that it was something short for something else.

Lost in his own thoughts, Niall failed to notice the hurried figure barreling towards him until it was too late.  His shoulder impacted something solid and warm, and he heard a screech as the person he rammed into tumbled onto the sidewalk.  His bag swung around, dislodged from its perch on his shoulder, and he tripped awkwardly trying to right it.  When he finally regained his balance he spun around to see if the other person was alright.  To his shock, he found himself staring down into the steely glare of Poppy Miller.

The first thing Poppy thought when she hit the ground was, “That’s going to leave a mark.”  The second thing Poppy thought was, “I’m going to tear this jerk a new asshole”.  The rampage of words died in her throat when she looked up and found herself staring into a pair of very familiar, very blue eyes.  Before she could think, she managed to unceremoniously croak out, “Oh fuck, it’s you.”  She winced at her own words, acutely aware at how Niall had visibly flinched at them.  She watched as he adjusted his bag, pulling it farther back on his shoulder so he could lean down and offer her his hand.  Poppy slipped her hand into his, mesmerized by how small her fingers looked cradled in his palm.  The warmth from his skin seeped into her pores as he gently pulled her up from the concrete.  As soon as she was upright he dropped her hand.  Poppy shivered at the loss, flexing her fingers over and over to try and hold onto the lingering heat from his grasp.  

“I’m sorry, I didn’t see you -” Niall started.

“You should watch where you’re going, you know.”

Poppy interrupted him, almost out of reflex.  She clapped her mouth shut, silently kicking herself.  She’d felt guilty about what had happened in the classroom all day.  As soon as she saw the look on his face when she spouted off to him, she realized she may have overreacted.  But, the damage was done and now here she was, digging herself a deeper hole.  She crossed her arms tightly around her chest and peered up at Niall.  He took in her posture and the scowl etched onto her face, and bristled his shoulders.  Poppy could tell he was on edge, like he was waiting for her next strike.

“Right.  Well, sorry - again.  Are you okay? Not hurt or anything?”  Poppy watched as his blue eyes flicked across her body looking for any signs of obvious injury.  It was a completely innocent assessment but each time his eyes found a new part of her body Poppy felt her skin tingle.  She swallowed harshly and shook her head.  “No, I’m fine.  It’s fine.  Probably just a little sore tomorrow, but I’ll live.”  She watched as Niall tucked his bottom lip under his teeth and nodded at her.   “Good.  Okay. Um, I guess I’ll see you in class then.”  Poppy opened her mouth to say something - willing any words to come out.  Before she could make a sound, Niall spun on his heel and loped off down the sidewalk shoving his big hands in the front pockets of his jeans. As he rounded the corner, Poppy’s voice finally decided to materialize.  “Sorry I’m an asshole.”  With a heavy sigh she gripped her bag tight and headed for home.

At the next editorial meeting, Sabrina made it abundantly clear how badly Poppy had handled both run ins with Niall.  Her exact words were, “You’ve let all womankind down, Miller.”  Poppy argued that assessment may have been a bit of an exaggeration, but she couldn’t deny that the simmering knot of shame over her actions had yet to unwind.  She spent the rest of the meeting stewing in self-loathing.  When the rest of the staff shuffled out of the cramped office an hour later, Sabrina got up and closed the door behind them.  She turned and leaned into the door shooting an appraising stare at Poppy’s hunched figure.  “Okay.  Spill.  I’ve never actually seen you pout and mope like this over a guy.  Actually, I’ve never seen you pout and mope about anything, Miller.  What gives?”

Poppy curled her legs underneath her and pulled the sleeves of her hooded sweatshirt over her knuckles.  “It’s not about a guy, Sabrina.  At least…I don’t think it is.  I mean I don’t even care about guys.  My happiness shouldn’t depend on whether a boy thinks I’m pretty.  And I’m not saying he was like that, because actually I think he might be the complete opposite?  I dunno.  It’s hard to explain.”

“Apparently.  Because you’re doing an absolute shit job of it.”

Poppy lobbed a crumpled sheet of paper at her friend and sighed heavily.  “Fuck off, you know I’m not good at feelings.”

“I know sweetie, and I’m not saying you need to find some sort of version of self worth by dating.  But, you know it is possible to have a relationship and not lose yourself in it, right?”

Sabrina approached Poppy carefully, kneeling in front of her.  “Not every man is looking to own you.  And despite what your mother keeps telling you,  your life will not end if you don’t have a diamond ring by graduation.”

Poppy considered Sabrina’s words carefully while replaying all the times she’d purposely pushed guys away over the years.  Poppy wasn’t prude, by any standards, but she had a knack for completely tossing guys aside as soon as she deemed them “too familiar”.  Unfortunately, at a small liberal arts university, word travelled quickly.  Midway through sophomore year it had gotten back to Poppy that she had earned a reputation as “difficult” and “not worth it”.  In true Poppy fashion, she considered that a win and declared herself better off.  She promptly shelled out some cash for a good vibrator and called it a day.  

“It’s just the way he looked at me, Sabrina.”  The picture replayed in Poppy’s mind - the blue in Niall’s eyes flashing from a deep caribbean blue to a cold steel grey as if every emotion he was feeling was concentrated in the tiny ring of his iris’.  Sabrina, trying desperately to lighten the mood, nudged at Poppy’s knees.

“What?  Like you’d gone off the deep end?”

Poppy snorted and looked away.  “No.  He looked at me like…like I had just validated every single terrible thing a girl had ever said to him.  And the instant I did it, I knew it was wrong.  In the thirty seconds we were face to face I saw every single emotion play out in his eyes, Sabrina.  And it scared the hell out of me.  I’ve never been able to read someone like that.”

“Oh honey”, Sabrina cooed, “so why’d you freak out on him the second time?”

Poppy groaned and tipped her head back, absentmindedly rubbing the fading purple hue on her hip from where she’d hit the pavement.  “I don’t know!  I panicked.  He was just right there, and he smelled good, and my ass hurt from falling, but then he looked at me and I felt like I was on fire and I just…..short circuited.”  With a frustrated growl, she hung her head between her shoulders.  “I’m a fucking disaster.”

Sabrina patted Poppy’s knees lightly.  “Think of it this way, there’s only ten more weeks in the semester.  So tops, you see him twenty more times.”  Poppy picked her head up and glared at her friend.  

“I hate you.”

Sabrina smiled wickedly and tipped her head forward.  “No you don’t.”

For the next few weeks, Poppy tried her damnedest to ignore Niall. That was a fairly monumental task considering she was forced to sit through his class twice a week.  Each time she slid into her seat she could feel his eyes on her.  But when she flicked her own eyes up, his stare would be fixated on some random part of the room.  She got the distinct impression he was determined to find any piece of chipping paint or curling tile more interesting than meeting her gaze.  That didn’t stop her from finding herself studying the way his long legs stretched out under his desk.  Or noticing that he had a system for rotating his funky socks (stripes, then polka dots, then chevron).  She even found herself craving the lilt of his voice, even though the subject matter was less than appealing.  Niall made the political tensions in eastern Europe during the 1980s sound like a Harlequin romance novel.  

Unfortunately by the fourth quiz returned to Poppy with a bright red “C-” on it, she realized even Niall’s voice couldn’t make the information stick in her brain.  It took the entire hour of class to build up the courage to approach him.  Poppy had done the quick math, and at the rate she was going with these quizzes, she wasn’t going to pass the class.  And if she didn’t pass, she didn’t graduate early.  And if she didn’t graduate early…well, technically nothing would happen, but it was the principal of the thing now.  When students around her started shuffling papers into their bags and leaving, Poppy was shocked to realize she’d basically missed the entire lecture by being caught up in her own internal battle.  The irony that she missed all the material because she was so stressed about not doing well in the class wasn’t lost on her.  She steeled her resolve and slowly packed up her things, waiting for the last few students to head out.

“Um, Niall? Do you have a second?” Poppy tried to use her nicest voice, the one she usually reserved for small children and the elderly Japanese woman who always slipped an extra spicy sauce container into her sushi takeout box. She didn’t miss the sharp breath Niall sucked through his nose at the sound of her voice.

“Miss Miller. What can I do for you?”

Poppy deflated a bit at the use of her surname.  It seemed stiff and formal, and she swallowed harshly trying to get rid of the bad taste it left in her mouth.  “I’m concerned about my quiz scores?  It’s just that…I need to pass this class to graduate early and I’m just not doing well.”  Poppy’s voice trailed off and she pulled the sleeves of her sweater over her fists; a habit that had left the ends of most of her clothes slightly frayed.  

Niall scraped his bitten nails through the short dark hair at the back of his neck.  He was slightly dumbstruck that she had actually approached him.  He’d had a email about her grade sitting in his drafts folder for two days - waiting for the moment he would find the nerve to hit send.  The thought of direct interaction with her set him on edge.  “Right, yes.  Actually, I’ve been meaning to contact you about that.  I apologize for not emailing ya sooner.”  He felt a blush rise over his cheeks and looked up to peer into her face.

Poppy was chewing on her bottom lip, leaving it a little swollen and rosy from the sharp pinch of her teeth.  Niall couldn’t help but stare at it, watching in awe as the color spread across her plump lip.  “Is it the material you’re not understanding?  I mean, are ya caught up with the reading at least?”  

Poppy nodded vigorously and released her lip from its captor.  “Oh no, I mean, yeah I’m caught up.  I’m actually a week or so ahead.”

Niall raised his eyebrows in surprise.  Being ahead in the reading assignments was not only unusual, but also not normally indicative of poor grades.  Poppy sensed his confusion and tried to explain herself.

“I just like to plan and be ahead. So I just have a schedule for the reading.  But, I guess it’s not really doing me any favors right now.”  She let out a nervous chuckle as she shifted her bag across her body.

Niall hummed and rested his chin on his wide palm.  “Well, this material takes a bit more time to digest properly, yeah?  It’s not really meant to be read and regurgitated - it takes some proper time to process and think about what the relationships we’re discussing mean to a larger world view.”  He flicked his eyes up to Poppy’s in a silent question of her understanding.  Poppy nodded slowly as she thought about his words.  

“Well what exactly do you recommend?  I mean, logistically.”

Niall shifted in his seat nervously.  The answer was staring him in the face, but he was apprehensive as hell to even suggest it lest this girl bolt on him again.  He smirked a bit at the thought that maybe “third time’s the charm”, and let his duty to his students overrule any of the wounded pride still lingering inside him.  “I think you need a tutor, Poppy.  You need to read the material and then be discussing it with someone.  Usually I suggest a study group, but in this case, I don’t really think any of the other students are up for that.”  Niall saw a flash of embarrassment pass over Poppy’s face and immediately started back tracking.  “No no no, sorry, it’s not because of you personally!  S’just that everyone else is a senior or fifth year.  They’ve all had a lot more background in political theory, so they’re better at it.  Fuck.  Sorry, I’m not trying to say you’re bad at it.  But you kinda are.  Shit, I mean it’s just….I’m sure you’re smart…”  Niall stopped himself and untucked the blue pen perched behind his ear, flinging it down onto his notebook.  “Christ, look - m’ willing to tutor you if you want.  I know you’re not my biggest fan but I’ve got the time, and I thi-”

“Yes!”

Niall gaped in surprise, finding a small amount of comfort in the fact that Poppy’s facial expression seemed to mirror his own.  She’d blurted out her acceptance impulsively and appeared to be shocked that her voice had acted without the support of her brain.

He closed his mouth and nodded.  “Ok then, well I think maybe three times a week to start?  Got my office hours, and then maybe Friday evenings as well?  So we can get ya caught up.  See how the midterm goes and then maybe go down to twice a week?”

Poppy nodded, still feeling as though she was on the cusp of having an out of body experience.  She pulled her planner out of her bag to jot down Niall’s office hours and block out her Friday nights for the next few weeks.  “Okay, that works for me.  Thank you….for doing this.  I know it’s your job and everything, but I just appreciate you taking the time.”  Poppy felt her cheeks blush and was delighted to see that Niall’s face was still tinged pink from his earlier rambling.  

Niall smiled, momentarily blinding Poppy with a flash of perfectly straight, white teeth.  His broad shoulder shrugged casually.  “S’no problem.  Want you to do well, I mean I want all my students to do well.  Wouldn’t be much of a teacher if my students were failin’ left and right, now would I?”

Poppy laughed lightly and shook her head.  “No, probably not.  I better run though, I’m sure you’re busy.  Thank you.  Again.  I’ll see you tomorrow?”

Niall clasped his hands behind his head and nodded.  “You got it.  I’ll see ya tomorrow.”  

Poppy turned to head out the door, but stopped just as she reached the threshold.  She spun around and dug into her bag, rooting around for something.  Niall stared questioningly at her, figuring she’d forgotten to hand in her work from class.  A moment later she thrust a flat, black piece of metal towards him shyly and he smirked when he realized what it was.  He reached forward and delicately plucked the phone out of her outstretched hand.  With a playful smile Poppy cleared her throat.

“Niall, can I have your phone number?”