#but like my friend basically had a breakdown over a bunch of stuff this weekend and like about other serious stuff too

[sinsistersin]

ready to kill the mom of a friend of mine, i was already, but after this weekend even more

[brokenbutunbowed]

Should I try and post more about my animals again. Hmmm. This has always been a very mixed blog but I've barely made an original post in a few years cause I just never feel like I have anything to say. Or the energy.

Coming up out of a few-month-long depressive episode and starting to feel joy about my hobbies again. Most of which revolve around my animals. I'm sure the depression will catch back up soon now that the sun is starting to disappear, but in the meantime... it's nice to feel a bit of excitement again.

I quit a very bad job back in March because I was pretty much one bad day away from killing myself. Like, I had plans. I was ready. My wife more or less forced me to quit for my own good. I had somehow saved up enough money to survive just fine without it and spent 6 weeks at home, catching up on projects, deep cleaning, and recovering. Then in May I got a job I thought I really wanted. I planned on staying long term. They said constantly I was doing a great job learning (it was a very hard job) but then did a 180 and fired me just before my 90 days, when I would've finally had health insurance.

Had a really bad breakdown over that, because at that point I didn't have money in savings and there was basically no jobs on indeed. I ended up having to go through a temp agency the next week to finally find a job. It's a boring factory job, but it pays the same as the hard job and it's so easy it crosses over into downright understimulating for parts of the day. I don't get benefits/ sick time/ holiday pay/ anything until I get actually signed on with the company, and I don't know when that will be, but I know I basically can't lose this job unless I skip work or come in late a bunch, which is not the kind of person I am, so I'm at least secure there. Now that I'm away from hard job and I've been at this job about a month, I'm actually glad I lost the other job. That job had so much pressure and stress and since I was the only girl in the department I was treated noticeably different (I believe that's half of why I was fired but I won't go there) but my current job is so simple. I spend at least half of every day marveling at the fact I'm getting paid to do such simple shit.

Anyway, yeah... hello adhd I was trying to talk about my animals.

We've been at this house 2.5 years now and finally starting to feel like the farm is getting to how we want it. We've got most of our birds pens up, except the breeding pen my wife wants to build for some of her chickens, but I finished the pheasant pens this spring that I started last year and the remodel of the duck/turkey pens.

We fenced in most of our property last year, and we finally got gates for the driveway last weekend so the horses and sheep can graze our yard and help keep the grass short.

When I was off work this spring I started working on deep cleaning the basement, where all my exotic animals stayed when our parasitic ex friends lived with us. The basement had a minor flood two years ago and still needs some remodeling and cleaning, but someday I plan to finish that and turn it *back* into an animal room. Though I plan to keep the tarantulas and geckos upstairs in their current room and set up all my snakes in the downstairs room. I have a crazy vision for that room that's gonna take time and money but I'm so excited to get there one day. I hate racks and I'm planning on pvc enclosures for all my snakes. It's gonna be expensive but I'm so fucking excited for it.

We're hoping to pay off the stupid PMI to drop our monthly house payment by the end of next year. And the escrow stuff was messed up by the township so our payment is currently 1700/month instead of the 1300 it was, and they refuse to change it even though it was a clerical error on their end, but hopefully we'll get at least some of that wasted money back next June when they reassess and our payment will go back down. 🤞 without that fuck up and the PMI, we could maybe get lucky and have, like, a 1000/month payment instead of 1700. That money would be so useful for other shit.

How did I get here. Where was I going with that. Hmm.

Oh yeah because money and animals lol

Anyway I don't know why I'm typing this and nobody is gonna read it anyway but maybe I'll actually try and post some animal pics soon.

[snowe-zolynn-rogers]

Pairings: None

Word Count: 1,958 Words

Summary: Midoriya’s store run, Todoroki kills everyone with laughter, and girl day has been moved to Bakugou’s room, and Shigaraki and Dabi have a talk.

Warnings: Food Mention, Death Mention, Caps, Child Abuse Mention, Cursing, Period Mention, Menstruation Mention, Murder Mention, Grooming Mention, Burn Mention, let me know if I should tag anything else.

Notes: Shigaraki's alias in the group chat is Ren, Dabi's alias is Haruhi, and Hime is Toga's alias.

Usernames: Area 51   Aoyama: bonjour je suis Dora, Ashido: aggressive chicken dance, Asui: wut, Iida: Human Porche, Uraraka: Fuck Gravity, Ojiro: ceouolo, Kaminari: pikachoo, Kirishima: ordained, Koda: the muffin man?, Sato: dammit kevin, Shoji: pIaNoMaN, Jirou: neko neko kneecaps, Sero: wine and cheerios, Tokoyami: brb drowning, Todoroki: daddy issues, Hagakure: oreosandpussy, Bakugo: mother i crave violence, Midoriya: mistakes were made Mineta: Mineta, Shinsou: its a mental breakdown, Yaoyorozu: single braincell

Usernames: Emo Sanctuary  Jirou: tell tale heart, Tokoyami: eldritch peep, Todoroki: i love you 3000, Bakugou: knife tag, Midoriya: bitchasaurus, Shinsou: unhappy meal, Kuroiro: meth and deadamine, Shigaraki: depresso extra shot, Dabi: *sad kazoo*

Into The Group Chat We Go: Chapter 2

10:00 AM

Area 51

Midoriya: I'm heading to the store and then to my apartment for the weekend, so if anyone needs anything while I'm out, tell me now.

mother i crave violence: Pickled daikon, seaweed chips, pea sprouts, spinach, enoki, and sausages.

Midoriya: Ew.

Midoriya: Fine.

mother i crave violence: Breathe one word of what you know and you're dead meat, Deku.

Midoriya: Not very nice to say to someone buying you food, now, is it?

mother i crave violence: Sorry, Deku.

Midoriya: Now send me the whole list. I know you don't buy six things and call it a day.

mother i crave violence: Also chapaghetti, eggs, and probably tofu.

mother i crave violence: And coffee pudding.

Midoriya: And?

mother i crave violence: Aloe yoghurt and ham.

Midoriya: Got it.

mother i crave violence: I hate you.

Midoriya: Yeah, yeah. I'll say hi to Hotaru and Hikaru for you on my way home.

Hagakure: Who's that?

Midoriya: NOTHING.

Midoriya has deleted one message

Midoriya: See? nothing.

Hagakure: Suspicious.

mother i crave violence: I'm not even going to deal with this. I'm too busy crying.

Midoriya: Overdramatic much?

mother i crave violence: I'm not, I'm dying. I deserve to cry if I'm dying.

Midoriya: Drama queen.

mother i crave violence: Stop arguing, I'm hungry.

Midoriya: Fine, fine.

Iida: What are you two on about now?

Midoriya: Kacchan needs some groceries that I offered to grab for him on my way out.

Todoroki: I'll go with you. I have to grab a few things for my dinner. I'll bring everything back to the dorms so you can head straight home.

Midoriya: Cool. @its a mental breakdown, do you need anything? I know you said something about needing to grab groceries to other day. I won't have you surviving off rice.

its a mental breakdown: My guy, it's 10:10 in the morning. Why are you waking me up so early on the weekend?

Midoriya: Groceries. Fork over the list, my guy.

its a mental breakdown: grocery.link

Midoriya: Looks good. Anyone else need food?

aggressive chicken dance: I forgot to pick up rice yesterday. I can't make my green curry without rice.

its a mental breakdown: I have a big container of rice you can steal from, Mina. Remember, the rice container that's as tall as a toddler?

aggressive chicken dance: Hells yeah. I'll hit you up at like 6pm. Raincheck on the rice, Midoriya.

Midoriya: 👍

Hagakure: Why do you have so much rice, Shinsou?

its a mental breakdown: it used to be the only thing I was allowed to eat at the orphanage because they could get a 4 pound bag and feed me for two weeks. I got used to eating rice a lot and I usually will just add things to rice.

Hagakure: Shinsou, that's like half a cup of rice a day.

its a mental breakdown: I never said they fed me correctly. thus why I had a job to make money for extra food. the nuns hated that, though, so I had to hide it or make it at a friend's house. thanks for those days, Bakugo.

mother i crave violence: No problem, Toshi.

10:25 PM

Area 51

Uraraka: We're missing shit.

Uraraka has changed their name to Fuck Gravity

Fuck Gravity has changed Asui to wut

Fuck Gravity has changed Iida to Human Porche

Fuck Gravity has changed Midoriya to mistakes were made

Fuck Gravity has changed Todoroki to daddy issues

Fuck Gravity has changed Aoyama to bonjour je suis Dora

Fuck Gravity: Much better.

Tokoyami: DADDY ISSUES OH MY GOD

daddy issues: I wasn't aware we were having a therapy session. I can talk about my daddy issues if you want.

Tokoyami: No, Shoto.

daddy issues: I mean, it's not a secret that I have daddy issues. Just look at him. Of course I have issues, he made me.

Hagakure: Hold on, I'm wheezing.

daddy issues: Like I do when I look at his face knowing there's a possibility of me growing into its image.

daddy issues: No wonder Touya was constantly depressed to look so similar to him. I'd be depressed too.

Ojiro: Send help, I can't breathe.

daddy issues: It's no wonder Natsuo is so proud to look like our mother but as a guy. And Fuyumi is basically mom's twin but with a different quirk and some red in her hair.

daddy issues: Lucky motherfuckers.

bonjour je suis Dora: Mon dieu, Shoto, stop, everyone's dying.

daddy issues: ...

Fuck Gravity: Don't!

daddy issues: Like I wish my father would.

daddy issues has set "that's a lot of damage" audio to play

Fuck Gravity: Shoto, please, we're suffering.

daddy issues: Okay, okay. I'll stop tormenting you all like I wish I could my father.

aggressive chicken dance: Savage.

11:00 AM

Area 51

daddy issues: I'm coming home with the groceries. I put our stuff in separate bags. Shinsou, you'll have to come to 1-A dorms because I don't know where your room is.

mother i crave violence: just give mine to Toshi for now. I can't move yet.

Hagakure: Alright, I've been wondering why it is you said you were crying for like an hour now. Why are you crying, Bakugou?

mother i crave violence: I'm having my period. It's bad, I can't move.

Hagakure: I have midol!

aggressive chicken dance: time to spoil Baku.

wut: I'll bring heating pads.

Fuck Gravity: I'll grab his food. Do you want any of it made before I go up?

mother i crave violence: I was just gonna destroy the chips, coffee pudding, and yoghurt.

Fuck Gravity: I'm making you eat. It'll be good for you.

daddy issues: I bought a bunch of extra ready made bentos because they were on sale for you girls' Girl Day. Take him two or three up and make sure he eats.

Yaoyorozu: We're moving Girl Day to Bakugou's room, if that's alright with everyone.

mother i crave violence: Why do I feel appreciated? Make it stop.

Yaoyorozu: Because we appreciate you, Bakugou.

mother i crave violence: I don't like this.

Yaoyorozu: So you don't want us in your room?

mother i crave violence: I guess it's fine.

Hagakure: Alright, Girl Day in Bakugou's room!

neko neko kneecaps: Alright, Todoroki, bring the stuff up to Baku's room.

daddy issues: I know, I'm on the way. I was waiting for Hitoshi.

its a mental breakdown: thank you, Sho.

daddy issues: You'll have to show me to your dorm one of these days.

its a mental breakdown: oh. it's floor five room four on the boys side in the 1-C dorms.

daddy issues: You say this like I won't now make a bridge to walk from my room to yours.

its a mental breakdown: I know this and I love you.

daddy issues: Good, someone has to.

its a mental breakdown: No airing therapy sessions in the group chat, Sho.

daddy issues: Damn.

daddy issues: Anyway. I'm thinking of playing musical rooms with Aizawa and freezing the empty girls rooms on floor two. Any oppositions?

Tokoyami: My only opposition is not today. I'm working on a time sensitive commission and I don't want to see a month of work go down the drain if the ice creeps over.

daddy issues: Tokoyami, the real MVP, running his business as a profit hobby so UA can't stop him.

Fuck Gravity: What a king.

Tokoyami: Thank you both.

Tokoyami: I'm going back to Hime's fourth dress.

Tokoyami is now offline

Hagakure: Alright.

Hagakure has changed their name to oreosandpussy

oreosandpussy has changed Ojiro's name to ceouolo

oreosandpussy has changed Koda's name to the muffin man?

oreosandpussy has changed Shoji's name to pIaNoMaN

oreosandpussy has changed Tokoyami's name to brb drowning

oreosandpussy has changed Yaoyorozu's name to single braincell

ceouolo: I'm not shocked, just disappointed.

oreosandpussy: That's normal, Mashi.

1:45 PM

Emos Sanctuary

depresso extra shot: Has anyone heard from Haruhi? I haven't been able to find him for like a solid five days and he last messaged someone in here from what I can tell.

*sad kazoo* is now online

*sad kazoo*: Sorry, man, I've been doing some shit for a few days so I can find a way to adopt Toshi.

depresso extra shot: Nobody's heard from you for days!

*sad kazoo*: Well, yeah, I mean, I bought a house, I'm working, I got stuff to do.

depresso extra shot: How the fuck?

*sad kazoo*: I had Hime help me.

1:50 PM

private chat with depresso extra shot and *sad kazoo*

depresso extra shot: How the fuck did Himiko help you?

*sad kazoo*: Himiko hooked me up with one of her friends who can change appearances. The girl made me look how I would if the accident never happened.

depresso extra shot: So you're never coming back to the League.

*sad kazoo*: No. I'm not, I can't. I have a son, man. I need to be there for him.

depresso extra shot: I'll still be your friend, right?

*sad kazoo*: Of course. And you can always have Himi's friend make you look different too. You can get away from this life too, Tomura.

depresso extra shot: I can't just disappear, Dabi.

*sad kazoo*: Why not? I've already found a way to disappear without questions. I could take you into it.

depresso extra shot: Tell me why I should? I have All For One's legacy to uphold!

*sad kazoo*: Who are you even carrying his legacy anyway? Because he saved you? You don't have to risk your life for his legacy because he saved you once. Following his legacy will kill you. I should know, I was held to a legacy too and look where it got me. I'm a murderer, a wanted criminal. This path isn't one you'll survive. He groomed a child and forced his own destiny onto you.

depresso extra shot: I'll think about it.

*sad kazoo*: You could really be Izuku's brother then.

depresso extra shot: You say that like I don't have a quirk that would kill this family like I did my last one. How am I supposed to explain to Izuku that I killed our father? My mother and sister?

*sad kazoo*: Himiko knows someone who can change your quirk. I was going to see him right before I stage my disappearing act. He was going to make my fire red again and give me some ice control so I won't turn into a burnt chicken nugget again.

depresso extra shot: So he could make my quirk something else?

*sad kazoo*: He can make your quirk into whatever you want.

depresso extra shot: I've always wanted to have a healing quirk like my sister did.

*sad kazoo*: And he can do that.

depresso extra shot: I think I'd like that.

*sad kazoo*: So you wanna make the League a family instead? We can all move into my house. We can be normal. We can have lives.

depresso extra shot: I could probably talk everyone into it.

*sad kazoo* So it's a plan then.

depresso extra shot: We'd have to tell the others.

*sad kazoo*: Himi's already onboard. So are Magne and Twice. I haven't raised the question to Compress or Spinner yet.

depresso extra shot: So we just need to talk to Atsuhiro and Iguchi.

*sad kazoo*: Yeah.

depresso extra shot: Iguchi is a lost cause. He's a devout Stain follower. He won't ever agree to it. Compress we might be able to convince. He's said how his great-grandfather is a famous criminal. He might have it though his thick skull that he needs to bring honor to his family name by reforming the hero society.

*sad kazoo*: So we've decided to kill off the League.

depresso extra shot: For our second chance at life.

Taglist: @lgbtforeverything @rin-tanaka @everythingisstardust @paint-in-flames @hakodas-tits

[bronanlynch]

bi-weekly update

it sure has been a wild time here and tbh I had enough to do one of these last week and just. didn’t?? for some reason?? anyway

listening: the Promare soundtrack went on sp*tify recently so I’ve been on Promare soundtrack lockdown over here. I know Kakusei is the iconic Promare song but Inferno (the opening song) always makes me tear up??? love to experience emotions about a movie in a reasonable and normal way. so anyway my standout track from the OST is Piromare because I am so very not immune to sad soft piano renditions of a motif that is usually triumphant/cheerful/etc

reading: I have, for once, read a bunch of books. I got a giftcard to my favorite local indie bookshop for Christmas and finally got around to using it to buy two books I’d been looking forward to, Dowry of Blood by S.T. Gibson (bi polyam Dracula retelling, kind of) and Winter’s Orbit by Everina Maxwell (gay arranged marriage space opera)

Dowry of Blood was very satisfying to me, someone who has lots of opinions about how vampires ought to be sexy and also terrifying, and I really enjoyed this specific take on vampire lore. also the formatting/pagination was really really cool and reminded me more of poetry books than prose usually does. for the first couple of pages there’s only text on one side of the page and then there’s one line on the back of a page and it hits really hard. extremely good and cool printing choices. would def recommend, but it is also explicitly an exploration of getting into and then out of an abusive relationship so. warnings for that in addition to the murder/blood warnings

also look at how sick this cover is (by Marlowe Lune, an artist whose work I really like in general)

I previously read Winter’s Orbit when it was on ao3 as an original work (called Course of Honour) and it was really cool to read a familiar story that I uh. read several times on ao3 but with added layers, because the author added a bunch of worldbuilding and an entire overarching higher-stakes political plot. I really really liked the added worldbuilding, and for the most part I enjoyed the new plot stuff, though at times I felt like it distracted from what I liked the most about the original, and there was one specific scene that was taken out that I was disappointed about. fave thing about the worldbuilding is when something is referred to by normal familiar words (like pigeons or bears) and then the actual thing is like, a fucking dinosaur that only vaguely resembles the word that’s used for it. very fun

also slightly mixed feelings about the framing of empire in the book, since there is some discussion about the consequences of imperialism and the resolution of the plot involves getting more rights and political sway for colonized planets. but the majority of the plot is about preserving an unjust status quo, and the representative of one of the colonized planets is working for the interests of the empire so that they can appear unified in the face of a larger-scale potential threat, which I’m not sure I love. and I also didn’t really care for the way the resistance movement (whenever it came up, which wasn’t often) was portrayed. so. on one hand yes there is a message of ‘empire bad and we should maybe try to be less Like That’ but on the other hand sometimes it did feel like the imperialism was an under-examined backdrop for a romance. like don’t get me wrong, I love the romance, I love the characters, it’s just that some of the politics didn’t quite do it for me and I think I just wanted More of things that just. weren’t the focus of the story

warnings for discussions of abusive relationships in this one, except this time it’s backstory for one of the characters, not something that’s present in the central relationship. and for all of the things that I wasn’t quite satisfied with, the parts of the book that are about like, learning how to be a person again after being in a situation where you’re not allowed to be yourself are still very well-handled and hit me real hard.

I also read a whole bunch of KJ Charles because sometimes all my brain can handle is marathoning romance novels, but I’m not gonna talk about all of them because this is already long enough (have not read the new one that came out today yet though that’s what I’m gonna do after this)

watching: Supernatural season 13 is incredibly boring and bad in ways that aren’t interesting or fun to talk about so I haven’t watched any recently. I did watch the first episode of Lupin, and really enjoyed it! will definitely watch more, though slowly because it takes too much of my brain to marathon it, partially because I know just enough French to almost not need the subtitles but having to read and also automatically trying to translate as I’m listening takes more brain energy. love a good heist though, and it has some good social commentary on race and class and crime

also the main character is very good. fucking superb you funky gentleman thief

playing: still making my way through the last mission of Knife of Dunwall. I made a bunch of progress since I whined at my friend about how hard it was and they told me to just stay in the building that has places to hide (the one you have to make your way through as Corvo, so I already know the layout, which helps lol) instead of the one that’s falling apart with nowhere to hide. who would have thought.

have also watched my roommate play lots of games and have thoughts on those too. Final Fantasy games (or at least the ones I’ve seen anything from, which is 7, 14, and 15) really appeal to me on a character/aesthetic/plot level but the gameplay looks like it would be bad for my brain. and yes all of those have very different gameplay but they would all be not fun for me in different ways. my roommate showed me like an hour of cutscenes from 14 last night that was basically a movie of tropes I love but holy shit I could never play a game where I have to wait for other people to be ready to also play the same part of the game before I can advance the plot

they’ve also been playing Persona 5 Scramble/Strikers (I don’t know which one the S stands for and at this point I’m too afraid to ask), which I do intend to play myself some day. it’s a sequel to Persona 5 with the same characters and damn they really nailed the feeling of seeing your friends again after not seeing them for a while, both in terms of. I care about these characters and am happy to see them again and also, they haven’t seen the protagonist in a while and they’re so happy he’s back and it makes me very soft. would love to reunite with friends whom I haven’t seen in a while

making: haven’t worked on cosplay but we did make some very tasty tortellini soup last weekend, and then last night we made fish & chips which was a lot easier than I was expecting and turned out pretty well? we just used frozen fries instead of like. frying them ourselves but we did make some very tasty lemon-garlic green beans

writing: well. I have a couple of things I’ve been noodling away at for a bit, and then a couple days ago I had a little bit of a breakdown and wrote 3000 words of angst in one sitting for an entire different new fic (Persona boys having a miserable time), and then yesterday decided to get in on a thing in The Untamed fandom of people writing short ““boring”“ domestic oneshots, and I love domesticity so I wrote one, which various reviewers have called “very sweet” and “a callout post” (it is both of those things)

I’m also organizing an event for P5 trans content because someone was shitty to one of my roommates over a trans headcanon and I got so pissed off that I’m running a prompt week now. love to have reasonable emotional reactions to things that happen in my life. why would I think about my actual problems when I could get petty and spiteful over someone saying that a fictional character couldn’t possibly be trans

[blueybunny]

I’m back from the dead (sort of)

TL;DR: my confession (see previous post) didn’t go as planned. E didn’t react to it, we didn’t talk about it, I got confused. For the past I-dont-know how many months I’ve been trying to figure out what was going on, with some success. E seems to have taken it okay-ish in the end, and a lot of personal issues factored into the whole situation so that’s why she has taken some distance, but we are still in speaking terms and she’s doing well! Even though I got somewhat lucky, please please please don’t confess yourself!

This is gonna be a lengthy update, so bear with me.

Hey. It’s been a long while since I’ve updated on the situation between me and E. I think it has been some 9-10 months since I continued the story, and i left it off without any conclusion. I feel like you can already tell that me confessing to E didn’t go as planned - far from that.

To preface this, the only reason I decided to confess to her was that it got too difficult to hold my feelings steady. I was leaking out all my emotions, and I had no idea how to gain solace apart from just letting them out, properly. It was a purely selfish reason, and I elaborated to E that I was doing it for myself, and I knew it could make things worse for her. She insisted on me telling her. And yes, I could’ve backed out, and I hated every second of it because I didn’t want to hurt her.

So, after that talk in her car (i still remember it so vividly, god i wish i was there), I waited the weekend to finally tell her. This was when everything shifted and took a turn for the worse. E had told me we could talk on Monday, and when Monday finally came, she texted me to let me know that she also had something to tell me face to face. I didn’t have the slightest idea what it could be.

This is how it went down. E said she had 15 minutes before she needed to head home. She sat me down, and told me to essentially stop coming to her with all my problems because she had no idea what to do with them anymore. She felt completely helpless and wanted me to get some “real” help. And at the time, that completely broke me. For weeks – no, for months. She telling me she wouldn’t be there for me anymore? I wasn’t sure i could take it. I just sobbed for the whole 15 minutes, and she asked why i was crying??? At this point i still hadn’t told her about my feelings, so she just assumed i would be fine with losing her. I didn’t have the courage to confess, and i even went as far as saying i was mad at her. Then the situation ended, as rapidly as it had begun.

Oh god i loathed myself so indescribably much after that, i still do. I had no idea what i was doing to her, when she had so many issues of her own she had to take care of to begin with. I should’ve known better. Why did it take so long to realise how much i was hurting her? She’s an extremely sympathetic person so making her feel helpless is the worst thing i could’ve ever done. I couldn’t forgive myself, and still can’t. I feel like i broke everything. I was so selfish, so naive, so dumb. The worst part was that she told me she had spent the entire weekend worrying about me, and that just broke me.

So what did i decide to do? Well, the first thing i had to do was apologise. And the second, well, was to confess. Why, at this point? It was to grant her at least some peace of mind, no matter how strange it might sound. I thought at the time that the best thing would be to just tell, so that she could stop worrying about me - once and for all. Also, I had a feeling she knew about my feelings, since I hadn’t been particularly good at hiding them, and so I thought that telling her about them would make things easier for both of us.

Tuesday rolls around, and i gather the courage to tell her everything in five minutes (that’s how long our break lasted, and i had to run to my next class). Bad idea, i know. I still remember what i said: “i like you a lot more than i should”. And i think it got through to her. She looked at me, saying how it came out of the blue. Then she told me i should go, and it was the coldest “goodbye” i have ever received.

Yep, not the best it could’ve gone. Also not the worst, because in the end she took it relatively well, she wasn’t visibly upset or disgusted, she didn’t tell me to stop speaking to her. But do i regret it? Absolutely. No matter how much i tried to convince myself it was the best of both worlds, i still did it in the heat of the moment.

What happened afterwards? Oh god how much i want to say it’s been a nice uphill climb from there, but nope. Everything’s been static, nothing has really changed between me and her, and it’s still that loud, awkward silence clouding our “relationship”, or at least what remains of it.

I asked her in a text if she felt distraught or shocked by what i had told her, to which she said no. But she also said she doesn’t want to talk about it any more than that - which i totally understand. I felt like i needed to clarify things so i asked if she had time to chat. It took a month to finally talk face to face again, and in that time she basically banned me from texting her. I didn’t bring up the confession at first, and we spoke as if nothing had happened (and it felt amazing). But then i asked her if i we were still friends. Bad wording, i know: she hesitated a bit first but didn’t deny anything. It was truly hanging by a thread.

We spoke a few times after that before quarantine happened in late March. They were normal conversations, mostly related to school. However, since E had told me that she wouldn’t be staying behind after school to talk to me like she used to, she now had to find time for me in her already full schedule. She was always in a rush, and every time we spoke, I cried afterwards – not out of happiness, but out of discomfort. I wasn’t sure what was happening. She suddenly became very cold and distant towards me, and it felt like she was pretending that nothing had ever happened between us, not even last fall when we grew quite close (at least in teacher-student terms). It was as if I had never even known her in the first place, and it hurt. A lot.

During the time when we were quarantined and school was still in session, I texted her a few times just to ask how she was doing. I had to be very careful in doing so, and I made sure to leave at least a month between texts because I didn’t want to annoy her. Even then I noticed changes in the way she talked to me (or texted me, rather). All that made me incredibly scared and confused, because I wasn’t sure what she was thinking, or if she felt uncomfortable or disgusted. Back when I confessed to her, she told me that nothing would change, yet now virtually everything has. I understand why, at least mostly, but I really thought at some point that our relationship would stay the same.

Nothing really happened over summer. I thought about her a lot, and I thought about how I could fix this and perhaps salvage at least something from our “friendship”. Even though she had told me we were still friends, I couldn’t bring myself to believe it. She felt like a stranger who was saying stuff out of pity.

Then, September rolls around, and we go back to school. The pandemic is still very much present in my country, but we didn’t have to continue our lessons online. On the first day of school, i saw E, and I talked to her a bit. I hadn’t done that in about 5 months, so it felt weird, but I was glad to see her regardless. I told her about an exciting thing that happened, but she didn’t really seem that interested. And again, I was left with tears in my eyes. I didn’t want to believe it – was this how things were going to be for the rest of my time in high school (mind you, I am a senior)? I had a complete mental breakdown the following weekend. I just couldn’t handle it. Where did E go?

On the second week of school, we had a school trip which meant E and a couple of other teachers spent a few nights with a bunch of students. At first, I was unsure whether I should attend because I feared that I would get jealous, but i ended up going. The trip was fun – if you don’t count the fact that yes, I got jealous, and that E essentially ignored me and didn’t talk to me during the whole trip, something that she’s never done before. I spent the nights panicking about the situation, trying to figure out if I had done something to upset her or to otherwise make her feel uncomfortable (because I definitely had, but that - my confession, that is - had happened over 6 months ago). Something was off, I could feel it.

And then, when I return to school the next day after the trip, certain that E hates me, everything goes back to normal. I went to ask her if she had time to talk, and she was all smiles and told me that I could come by later that week. We also joked about the fact that she still hadn’t given up her habit of drinking coffee – something that was an inside joke of ours a while back. That was the first conversation in ages that didn’t leave me with tears in my eyes. That week, we spoke on three separate occasions. The first conversation was relatively normal. The second was about me going to a professional to seek help for my mental health issues (finally). We talked briefly about why E had set strict boundaries – she wasn’t doing well either, and she almost cried when she told me about it. I said something, and I felt bad for bringing it up, so I apologised to E the following day. Then she told me that she would keep listening, that i could still talk about my problems. I thought that she wouldn’t allow that anymore, so that came as a surprise. Of course I don’t want to keep complaining to her about virtually everything, but I’m glad she didn’t set a boundary there too. That was a pleasant end to the week.

We’ve had a few chats since then. She’s still very busy and won’t be staying after school to talk to me, meaning that I have to find time in her already packed work days. But I’ll take what I get, because it’s still something that E is willing to give up her time to just chat, even though it’s mostly nothing of importance. She also gets very apologetic every time she has to tell me that her schedule is full, which is both sweet and a bit sad. During one of our chats, we spoke about gap years, and to my surprise, she had one right after high school. She told about her reckless young adult years, when she would live at home and spend her savings on weekly visits to a local karaoke bar. She apparently excelled at school, yet she was very different from me in many other ways. At one point she sighed and wondered why she was even telling me this, and I had to hold back my laughter. That made me quite happy.

But alas, the situation still didn’t fix itself. There were a number of reasons as to why I still felt uneasy about everything, and almost scared whenever talking to her. There were times when I could’ve swore last spring never happened, but something was off. At one point I really thought the best thing to do was to just stop talking to her altogether, to force my overflowing feelings back under my skin, but I soon realised it was not going to work. My idea initially was to tell her that I was going to take a time-out and wait until she would have more time to talk about things thoroughly, but soon after it occurred to me that it would be the ultimate guilt trip for her. Don’t get me wrong, there have been many things she’s done that have hurt me one way or another, but I don’t hold her responsible. I know she means well and that yes, she probably felt shitty after what happened last spring, but she would never intentionally hurt me. She has, even after all this time, the right to be mad at me – I sort of broke her trust.

Since radio silence was not going to work, right before we went on fall break, I tried to find E at school to talk things out. Of course I didn’t find her, so in an email thanking her for a thing I also mentioned that I had something I would like to talk about. She responded, saying that we would return to the topic after the break. Well, come next week, and I was sure she forgot about it. Tbh she was probably expecting me to remind her (not the other way around), but I told myself it was not a thing that needed rushing anyway. On Thursday, however, I passed her in the hallway and took the opportunity to talk to her. “I haven’t sent you another email yet –”, I said, before she interrupted me mid-sentence with “next Wednesday. I’ll have a free period from x to y.” She was in a hurry, for which she apologised - but she was in a good, almost delighted mood. She remembered, after all!

Come Wednesday. I had been preparing for this moment for so long I had pretty much scripted the dialogue out in my head. But, as usual, things didn’t go according to plan. I hesitated, I completely chickened out. We did talk, but at first it was about everything else except the actual topic. Only in the last 15 minutes of our conversation did I open my mouth. I asked her if we could go out for a short walk before my next class, and so we did. The air was crisp, and neither of us had coats on. I told her there were still some things that bothered me about what happened last spring, a bit vaguely. She did take the hint, saying in an almost teasing tone: “ooh, so about the time when you said you liked me more than you should?” That took me aback a bit. I was surprised by her directness – I was expecting euphemisms, awkwardness, the like, because to me, it felt as if I was tearing open a half-healed wound. This just proved to me that it wasn’t a big deal to her (which was a relief!) and that she had always taken it somewhat well. Anyway, I revealed my reasoning behind the confession, and she told me that at some point in the spring she did feel a bit shocked by what I told her that day and that her personal boundary had been crossed. Fair point, E. I did violate her boundaries, I lost control, I was sure that the whole thing didn’t just fly past her head. But, that’s the opposite of what she initially told me: remember, she said she didn’t feel distraught. It wasn’t a lie at the time, but I wish E would’ve confronted me about it instead of having me second-guess each and every one of my actions. I am bitter, yes, but I’m sure E had good reasons to act like she did. It’s not simple to talk about these sort of things. I’m glad I got my reaction after so many months of waiting. Before our time ran out, I asked her about boundaries and I got the same answer she always gives me: “you can always, always come talk to me.”

We’ve been in and out of school this fall, reflecting how erm... well our country is dealing with the pandemic. We have had face to face classes almost periodically, but currently we’re in lockdown and thus back to online school for the rest of the year, at least. Quite ironically, I was supposed to talk to her at the start of last week, but it just so happened to be on the day schools were closed again. Just my luck, though I’m starting to get used to it. Things are okay between us – not the best, but not nearly as bad as a few months back. I’m currently fighting a pretty bad episode of seasonal depression, which in turn has made me an emotional mess, exaggerating my feelings for her once more. I’ve tried to keep myself together whenever we’ve talked since I kind of promised to her to keep these things to myself since E starts feeling really helpless if I burden her with my unwellness again. I want to talk about happy things, but right now I find it difficult to even point out something I would deem “happy”. Whenever I complain, however, she does the same, so I guess we do have some kind of mutual understanding in regards to that. I’m not exactly sure what to do now, what to tell her and what to leave out of the picture. I do want to be honest thought, because we all know how exhausting putting on a happy face is. The only thing is that I don’t want her to worry.

One thing is for sure: I want to fall in love like this again. I have only now begun to realise how much E actually gave of herself – I still can’t believe we’ve been driving around town together, or that she remembered my birthday, or that she has given hours of her time to just listen. And she still continues to do the latter, whenever she does have time in between lessons. I wish love was easy, all butterflies and rainbows and glitter. But it’s not: it’s bold, it’s giving, trying, failing all over again, in a loop. But to say that love, even in its ugliest forms, isn’t worth all the heartbreak and hurt and pain, is wrong. I would do this again and again, shatter my heart into a million pieces and glue them back together just to experience all the happiness that it has brought me.   

To quote a manga I absolutely adore, “Those treasured moments we shared are still with me now. And the bond we made will continue to support me, tomorrow and so on. I’m sticking to my dumb and ridiculous unrequited love.”

One day I’ll hug her again. One day. I have something to look forward to in this life.

[xseildnasterces]

resentment.

Another week, another nap, another day I wish was over and I could be in bed sleeping. That, I think, it my current weekly cycle. Right now, the weather is beautiful, and I am really hoping I can pull together the motivation to actually go out this weekend and do something. Yesterday I went to see a dermatologist for the very first time ever, and it felt good! As much as it should not be the case, private healthcare does seem to be much more thorough than public healthcare. I do not believe it should be this way, and I am also certainly not advocating for healthcare in the UK to be sold off to private companies. All I am saying, is when budget is not an issue, like it is for the NHS, healthcare can be very different. I acknowledge that I am very lucky to work for an institution that provides us with incredibly good health insurance, which of course we pay for out of our salaries, but all the same, it is very good health insurance and includes a lot. I honestly do not understand how people cope living here without health insurance – well I guess I answered my own question there, they don’t.

 Anyway, as soon as the dermatologist realised that I was English the first thing she asked me was whether I watched the Harry and Meghan palaver. Of course, I had, so we chatted a little about that before actually moving onto what I was there for. She took one look at my skin, which I must admit looked better than it had in ages (typical), and she said she knew what I needed and that she could definitely help and improve my skin. I felt so relieved. I have tried so many things, both prescribed and other topical skincare and nothing has helped even a little, so I felt incredibly relived. We discussed my skin care routine, and the possible side effects of taking the medication I have been prescribed. I will go back in three months to check how things are going and she also said it could take that long to noticeably work. We talked about my other medical issues and as I expected we addressed how PCOS certainly made hormonal cystic acne worse. I have been provided with medication that is only for women and is specifically for hormonal cystic acne, which is why she said it should definitely work for me. Whilst I was there she asked what I was taking for my PCOS and I said I had never been prescribed anything before other than birth control when I was in the UK (which was not good for me). She urged me to set up an appointment with a gynaecologist to address my PCOS because she said it would be very beneficial for me to have that checked on and dealt with on a regular basis. Of course, I was diagnosed with PCOS almost ten years ago, so it’s perhaps a little late in the day to prevent any damage, but it will certainly be good to have it monitored. My insurance also allows me to set up appointments with specialists without referrals from my GP which is wonderful! I now have a dermatologist, an OBGYN, my usual GP and a gastroenterologist. Who knew I would have my own entourage of doctors and specialists? At least I feel like I am being well looked after. I have annual checks on everything and so far, all is good. I feel glad to have this amount of care. I now just need to get myself a dentist, optician, and orthodontist and then that’s the health stuff all out of the way! Along with the medication, I have also been given a medicated topical cream which I am super scared to use. I am so nervous with anything like this considering the ridiculous allergic reactions that I have had in the past. Tonight, is my first night starting both… so lets see how it goes.

 I got upset last night. Yesterday I had my usual weekly meeting with my boss and without going into all the details of it, she made a comment about how she doesn’t want me going home any time soon and how she needs me in the office. I wasn’t even suggesting going home any time soon, nor did I intend to, but as soon as she said I couldn’t, all I wanted to do was run and get on a plane. I felt really upset and sad about it and ended up crying later on once I was in bed. I expressed that my sister would be home in a week and I had not seen her in two years so I fully intend on heading home for a while during summer. As soon as I said that her mood changed and she was super pissed off with me. It’s so frustrating. I have quite a lot of leave to take yet my boss is basically telling me that I cannot take it because she knows I will have to quarantine when I get back. It’s incredibly annoying and upsetting. My intention was to head home for a short while perhaps in May or June, most likely June, but now I feel like I will not have my leave approved. If that is the case I will certainly end up having another breakdown and end up crying down the phone. By June it will be six months that I have not seen anyone, so I cannot cope with not seeing any of my family and friends for longer than that, and personally I don’t think my boss should expect me to. It’s annoying that I am literally the only person at work who lives alone and is living here without any family members, so when other people are allowed to go wherever they want and I can’t its very stressful. I took is badly last night and was very upset, but I woke up this morning feeling a little better about it. I will be going home at some point this summer whether my boss likes it or not. I’m just not quite sure how I will be able to wing it.

 I had therapy today and I had a really good session. We discussed my recent realisation and some of the regrets in my life. We talked about the progress that I had made over my time in therapy so far and how much I have developed. It made me feel good. I think I am starting to recognise and accept things about myself that I hadn’t before and although there is still work to do I feel better for it. I feel that I am no longer undergoing a fight in my head on a daily basis, nor am I constantly terrorising myself over things that I cannot change or do anything about. I know this is not permanent and I am not silly enough to think I will always feel this way. My struggles will come back, of course they will, but right now I feel more content with what is going on in my head, and that is certainly a bonus. We also discussed ‘someone I used to know’. We talked about feelings. We talked about the ‘magnetic pull’ I have always felt from them and how no matter what has happened I still feel that pull. We talked about what it was about this person that created that pulling effect and how to address and deal with that. We also talked a lot of about my feelings towards that person, both the good and bad and how things had changed for me since certain things occurred that I never believed would, and I learnt more about the person that I felt I knew pretty much everything about. It was a good session though and I felt that I was growing even during it. These are topics I have avoided a lot and it was the first time that I really opened up about my real and honest feelings towards this person in detail, and it felt like walls were really beginning to fall for me surrounding that topic in regards to discussing it.

 I also sliced my thumb open at work. Do not let anyone tell you that there are no risks associated with being an archivist. I promise you, there are many. Today I was working with a super old file that had a small metal closure. As I was trying to release the papers from the metal closure, it slipped from my hand and ran all the way along my thumb cutting right down into it. Now, I hate blood, and my god, there was blood. I was dripping all over the floor and I couldn’t find any tissues or anything to stop the blood so I just grabbed an old cardigan and wrapped my hand in it whilst I ran through to another of the girls in the office to see if she had a plaster. She didn’t, and we spent the next ten minutes running through all the offices to find a plaster or first aid kit. When we did find a first aid kit it was empty… fabulous. We eventually found a plaster in someone’s drawer and I cleaned my thumb and put it on. Before I had even made it back to my office the plaster was completing sodden with blood and it was dripping again. It’s a wonder I didn’t faint. I pulled the plaster back off, with my blood splattering all over some documents on my desk – thankfully not the old records! And I made a makeshift bandage out of tissue and tape. Thankfully it lasted until I got home where I could properly wash and dress the cut properly. It is still incredibly painful, but it has finally stopped bleeding – so that’s something.

  I am currently IN LOVE with the new ADTR album. I cannot stop listening to it, all day, at work, at home, whilst cooking, whilst walking. It is absolutely amazing. I think it’s just what I needed right now. I’ve really been into listening to Kerrang! radio again recently and after a weekend of female fronted metal bands and emo playlists, I am just loving this album. I would even go as far as saying it might actually be my favourite album from ADTR. I just adore every single song. ADTR really do make me think of Download. They are such a good festival band and so many songs of theirs are major crowd sing-a-longs. I’m so unreliable sad that I have to wait over a year to be in a field with a bunch of people singing our hearts out and dancing to our hearts content, but god damn, Download 2022 is going to be SOMETHING. And I cannot bloody wait.

[a-rat-ranting]

Wohoo! I hate-love Fridays & vacations!

Note: TW: Depression, Anxiety, Suicide & Self-harm

Also, I use the word mental breakdown a lot, and I actually mean it, don't worry, I'm not a white girl that thinks crying once in a while and then smiling at the mirror equals mental breakdown, I don't intend to offend anyone.

Why? Well, here's the deal: Monday, ✨Tuesday✨ (if Tuesday was a person I'd beat the shit out of them), Wednesday, Thursday and the school hours of Friday aren't my favorite. I wait for them to just be another blurry memory, I just want them to end so I can leave and stabilise myself at home. Basically, I'm waiting for 5/7 parts of my life to end so I can enjoy the rest, 2/7.

Isn't that sad? Waiting for your life to end so you can enjoy only two fucking parts of it?

"You fucked up just today, there are new days coming"

And you know, I realized that the first time I wrote here. And you know what else I realized? That is a loop. I'll be feeling shitty and like giving up for the rest of my school ye- correction: life, if I don't do something about it.

In January I started isolating from others 'cause I lost my social skills during winter break and also because I realized that, in a group of 8 (including me) I'd never do shit, it's too much people, and I was a painting, or those things human-size that are at supermarkets, one of those two. So I decided to leave them for... A bathroom! Because I cannot approach new people! Anyways, so every weekend I cheered myself up:

"You can do this: just go and say hi and ask some basic questions, not a big deal"

"You fucked up just today and there are new days coming up"

In the first day, all my positivity was drained, yet I drank more of it after coming home. Next day? The same, but with a little less of it. Next day? Half of the positivity. Next day? Non-existent. Next day? The same that yesterday UNTIL I arrived home.

It worked only for around 4 weeks, after knowing nothing changed, if I tried or not it didn't matter, nothing changed. I gave up and I went to school the same way I used to just that without expectations so I couldn't get hurt, again. But my surprise was that, I was still getting hurt! Either I still had some hope or that method didn't work that well.

In my first mental breakdown of the year, January 10th I think, I was drawing or so and I started making myself feel better with stuff like:

"Don't worry, when, in the future, you look back at this memories you'll laugh"

Here's the problem: and if you don't swim back at the surface? Because that's the only thing you have been doing. It won't change because you think it has to, it will change because you do everything to change it.

"Don't worry, when you leave the city you'll feel better"

Nope, even tho I know that maybe starting all again can help, it isn't the right way AND it can not help since, no matter where you move to, where you are, the problem is you. You have noticed it: all those 8 schools, you changed schools 'cause you thought it was as easy as leaving and starting all over, they were the problem, right? but you ended up being a ghost. Who remember you? All those kids? Ha, sure. Even your only best friend, who you were her first option, left you because you couldn't go to school for two months, you came back and bam! You're forgotten again. I mean, it was 2nd grade but,,, that happened again years later, you know that? It wasn't a child's thing at all, you were later a background character for everyone else.

Then I had another second mental breakdown on January 14th-15th, I had no purpose at that point, I was hopeless, and I needed a deadline.

At the end of the day, life is just a bunch of deadlines, we keep on living because we have things to do yet, and they just keep being added. The day some doesn't have a special day to live for, a goal that has never been achieved, it's gonna be the day they start thinking "whoa, what I do now?".

So whatever, I only had one deadline at that point: that day we were moving out to a bigger, memory-free house. I was excited, it was pretty and had a lot of space to have a cat. I was really excited. I was packing all my things, indeed, I haven't unpacked them yet, and I don't plan to either. It was perfect until my mom called and said that, at the last moment, the night before moving out, the owner decided to ask us for more information about us. My parents declined since they were being plainly petty.

So I just laughed at first to then laugh-cry, and finally cry. The only reason I was still with hope, I couldn't believe we were moving out, and effectively, we didn't.

Next day I didn't leave bed, except for self-harming, I skipped school only two days because otherwise I would fail my classes, I only have the right to miss school 6 days for no reason.

It was hell, now I didn't have purpose. And then, every Friday took a toll on me, along with my mental breakdowns every two weeks, when my suicidal thoughts were now real, planning the day and the letters and the method to die. It was real, but I didn't have the place or time, I'm still on not trying to have it [the place or time] though.

Now I have Monday off bc of a women's pacific protest where I'm allowed to miss school.

[iamphella]

The Difference A Year Makes

I almost titled this “the difference a tear makes” but that would’ve been corny and forced. Sometimes you just need to relax. But that other title would’ve been appropriate because there really are different types of tears and different levels of crying. I’ll explain.

About a year ago (spring 2018), I was in what I can now describe as the late stages of a dark period that seemed to have gone on forever. It began in the Fall of 2017, possibly before then, and got very ugly in the winter of 2017. I spent my New Year’s Eve in my bedroom by myself with such incredible brain fog and just pain and doubt and worry and wondering if it would ever end. It wasn’t pretty or fun and even putting myself in that place now as I write this makes me wanna stop writing, but let’s continue.

As I’m working my way through the haze in Spring of last year and trying to step back into the light, one of the things that helped me and gave me a shot of hope was this lengthy interview Charlamagne tha God did with Kanye West. I can’t remember everything in the interview, but there was a part where Kanye went into his mental and physical breakdown from 2016, an event that kind of threw me off for a second when it first occured. I was on some hilly sidewalk close to downtown LA when my mom called me and said “you heard Kanye West was rushed to the hospital?” I finished up what I was doing then got on my phone to get the details and while I was a bit worried, my faith which was still in tact at the time, didn’t let me worry much. I knew he’d be good because his story still had much more to come.

Back to last year and the interview. The interview came at a time when I was a crying machine (see attached photos). After a near decade-long drought of never feeling much of anything, I was feeling everything all at once and it just wouldn’t stop. For at least a month between April and May I cried at least once everyday. I felt alone and I was in pain and just wanted to know when and how it would be over. In his interview, Ye talked about how that episode led to him losing his confidence. He talked about how what led up to it was basically taking on too much. Being the person who has to be there for everyone, not sleeping or eating right, stressing, not fully healing from emotional traumas, the list goes on. 

As Kanye told it to Charlamagne, you can see someone who once thought himself to be invincible who came face to face with his own mortality and how it can all really be over just like that. That was similar to what happened to me and I could completely relate. I was just going about my life, kind of feeling exhausted mentally and physically but still trying to be there for everyone and then the next thing you know, ambulance, hospital, mental and physical shutdown, wondering how you got there. Then months and months of isolation wondering how to get back to your old form or create a new one. Questioning everything about life as you knew it.

I fought tooth and nail for months to get the old me back. I wanted to erase the pain of everything that happened. Not just from the episode but dating as far back as my adolescent years. There was a lot of stuff I never really stopped to unpack. I had been carrying it with me for so long and with such a rigorous daily schedule, I never noticed that that’s what was weighing me down emotionally. I thought it was just the norm for me to feel so detached. Only while unpacking, did I see where a lot of my thoughts and feelings (or lack thereof) stemmed from. And I was doing all this unpacking, mental and physical rehabilitation, without the aid of any kind of therapist or doctor or any medication. That was another part of the interview that struck a chord. Kanye talked about how he wasn’t seeing a therapist and didn’t like taking medication because of how they made him feel (note: please see a therapist or doctor and take medication if you believe you need it. There’s absolutely no shame in it and it’s actually the wise thing to do if you need it.)

I was relying on some of my trusted methods to get me into feeling like an actual human again. God first. I prayed and prayed and prayed some more. Music. Any music that was positive or spiritual or soulful or had anything to do with pain and loss and love and life, I listened to on repeat. I couldn’t socialize or work, so the music was basically my only thing to do. That and watching sports. I meditated. I created a routine and stuck to it. Began using my social media apps a little more actively and cleaned up any kind of content that would trigger me or make me feel lesser because of what I was dealing with (there was a lot to clean up). I became comfortable with uncomfortable conversations and set boundaries for people around me. For the first time ever I also learned how to say no without feeling guilty.

Realizing that you mean a lot to a lot of people will reshape how you go about life. A lot of things suffered because of me not being myself. I came to the realization that it’s actually a selfless act to protect my well being so that I can be of service to the world like I was meant to be. We are all needed. Being in a prolonged “dark space” or being weakened mentally or physically causes a ripple effect on many more lives than we can imagine. It’s like a lightbulb that has a broken switch. You’re there but you’re not lighting the way for others to see clearer. You see them stumbling and kicking things and you know that you can easily help, but the switch needs to be fixed and needs to be protected from being broken again. 

I don’t wanna make this any longer than it needs to be and I don’t like talking about myself for this long so I’ll start to bring it home. Almost all the books I read and the videos I watched during my healing always emphasized SERVICE. I remember Will Smith preaching the importance of service so I’ve always believed in it and I’ve basically spent my life serving. But I didn’t realize that the absence of serving was partly what caused my breakdown and what was keeping me there.

I needed to feel like I was of use to the world again. Needed to start doing things to positively affect others. Whether in my family, in my community, online, wherever there was a need. The more I did that, the stronger I became and the more my confidence began to restore. Parts of the old me that needed to come back were coming back, the parts that needed to be shed were shed and were making room for new habits and new ways of thinking and being.

This past Easter weekend was extremely powerful. night I had a haircut appointment set up with my friend and barber for about a decade when I’m home on the east coast. As I was rushing to get to his shop, I accidentally left my phone at home. Me 6 months ago wouldn’t even want to go to that barbershop. It’s at the mall, so many familiar faces who knew me before I got broken down by life. Why go there when I can go to any generic barber and get a decent cut? Me a year ago wouldn’t even go to the mailbox without my phone. What if my body shuts down on me again and I have an emergency? What if this? What if that? But Saturday night there was none of that. I was good. I was confident. I was....me. Went and kicked it with my guy, got a nice cut, went in the mall and then came home and watched some incredible basketball games. Hardly a worry in the world.

The next morning--Easter Sunday--I woke up early and starving. I shared Happy Easter greetings with my family and friends then headed to a brunch spot to get breakfast. Everything was so peaceful and serene. The girl at the bar taking my order didn’t seem to be in the best mood, but I didn’t let it change my vibration. I know she’s up early on a Holiday making drinks for people and taking food orders to make some money. Not being all smiles is definitely understandable. I spoke politely to her and tipped as best as I could then I left and returned thirty minutes later to grab the food.

Headed home and set up my battle station to watch Kanye West’s Sunday Service at Coachella. For the past year since the Charlamagne interview, I’ve watched Kanye slowly gain his confidence and his swagger back. From ranting at TMZ and in the Oval Office to selling sneakers at a Lemonade stand with his children for mental health awareness, to the weekly Sunday Services where he and friends and family gather to sing praises and dance. I’ve seen him skateboarding, go to Tokyo to hang out with his old friend Dave Chappelle, seen him stumble through his raps in the few live performances he has done (SNL and Camp Flog Gnaw). I’ve seen him basically just be human. I’ve seen him healing while simultaneously I was going through my own healing. I’ve seen try to be of service to people because that’s what we need to do to feel fulfilled.

The show starts. It’s everything you expect from a Kanye West show when all the chips are on the table. The fans were read; the curious folks were too. The doubters and the critics already began to build narratives and telling people what to think about an event yet to take place. But none of that mattered on this Sunday. When you’re called to serve, you’re called to served and that is your only mission. Everything else can be addressed later or never addressed at all. 

The music was big and bright. The clothes were dull, I would assume by design. Almost like everyone there was covered up but naked at the same time. There was nothing to distract from the mission: to give praise for healing, for overcoming, for the strength and wisdom to navigate through trials and tribulations, both past and the ones to come. It was a bunch of creative people from all walks of life going to tell it on the mountain. There was no hierarchy. Everyone was on a level from the security guards to the Coachella attendees to Kim Kardashian to Kanye himself. The cameras never focused on any one person for longer than two minutes. This wasn’t to be watched. It was to be experienced. It wasn’t to be judged. It was to be partaken in. 

And partake I did. As the huge blueberry pancakes and spinach omelette I just downed were settling in, my spirit was being lifted by the moment. Every sound was reminding me of how far I had come. Every person’s smiles and dance steps was contagious and made me smile and dance. And then came the one brief moment where the music stopped. Chance the Rapper had just flawlessly delivered his verse from Kanye West’s “Ultralight Beam” which was a moment in itself. Chano from 79th standing on a platform being proudly looked at by his Chicago idol. This is the stuff hip-hop dreams are made of. Chance steps down and DMX steps up. Yes, young Chance the Rapper who just recently came into fame in the last half a decade is being followed by legendary Earl Simmons at Coachella in 2019 and it doesn’t seem weird at all because we know why X is there. A video went viral three weeks prior of DMX delivering one of his signature prayers at Kanye’s Sunday Service gathering. 

Now it was time for X to deliver on the big stage. Probably the first time in life where I saw DMX look a little bit nervous. He once was a headliner at Woodstock in front of a crowd of 200,000+ people so this wasn’t exactly new territory. But that was in 1999--two decades ago. Before he had to prematurely let go of the chokehold he once held on the rap game. That was before the memes of him breaking down crying on reality shows about his childhood, marital struggles and drug addiction. That didn’t matter on Sunday. DMX was there to perform a service and a sermon and he quickly shook off the nerves and did exactly that. My mom even called me later and said “that DMX needs to be given a church; he’s gifted.” 

As X stepped down from the highest platform on the mountain and the choir and band were beginning to rev back up, the camera pans to Kanye West with his face buried in his hands crying unconsolably. I was already having an emotional and spiritual weekend and the Chance the Rapper portion was already making me feel all kinds of proud, just to be a child of hip-hop and just be alive. But then within seconds of seeing Kanye cry, and DMX and Kid Cudi-- two of the biggest survivors the music industry has ever seen--place hands on him to comfort him, the tears began to form in my eyes. Yes, it’s as cheesy as it sounds and I was really laughing at myself but I couldn’t stop it. Other choir members, men and women, were crying also. Everybody for their own personal reason that doesn’t need explanation. 

My tears from a year ago were from pain and from confusion. My tears on Easter Sunday (also known as the day of Resurrection) were from triumph and clarity, and optimism and gratefulness. The people on that mountain had done it. I had done it. God, especially, has done it and will continue to do it. And that shift in perspective, and then in reality, is the difference that a year can make. 

Peace and Love

[jump-off-a-clifford-universe]

ok i don’t normally do this but i really really need to rant

i literally do not want to wake up because there’s too much to deal with. 

so i live in hong kong (city in south east asia), and obviously most schools do hong kong exams (except some international schools??i don't really know), but my school chose to do the international GCSEs in grade 10 which is an UK exam, and go back to the hong kong exams (equivalent to SATs or A-levels) in grade 12. so naturally there are some differences and the gap between is quite wide and there are a lot of catching up to do cuz we’ve lost the whole year 10 to the GCSEs already and there’s only roughly 1.5 year to prepare for the exam at the end of year 12. 

the GCSEs ended last last week and we’ve had a week of holiday. and now we have to go back to school for “post exam activities” which I thought was gonna be chilled, but noooooo honey. they made us start year 11 now. literally wtf. i’ve just finished the first public exam in my life and now you’re telling me i’ve got to start preparing for my second one in 3 years. and that’s not even the problem. 

so i went back to school and i had chinese lesson, and i thought it was gonna be chilled, like nothing to do and just chat kind of chilled, but as soon as I got in the classroom, the teacher made us do a year 12 chinese public exam paper WHILE IM STILL IN YEAR !!!10!!! and told us we should at least get 75%. literally what the heck again. people who do this paper at the end of year 12 are still failing or getting bad grades and now my school be telling us we should get a 75% when i’m still in year 10. what. the. hell. 

(but if you’re wondering i got 81% so that’s not bad) 

then I went to english class and woohoo the teacher told us we have to submit 2 research papers on either a documentary or movie and either a fiction or nonfiction book. again, i just finished my exams. let me live. 

normally i won’t complain about school but i’ve literally been taking tests and exams all school year. october to november - test season (3 tests per subject, 13 subjects), december to january - exam season, february - test season (3 tests per subject, 13 subjects), march to april - mock exams, may to june - real GCSEs. non stop. i swear this whole school year i spent every single weekend studying or taking extracurriculars. 

and i feel so lied to?? every single teacher in our school is telling us that if we get As, we’re average, and Bs are below international average because the hong kong curriculum isn’t the most academically challenging. really? then why the high suicide rates? 

i’ve never realised it but our school has always been indoctrinating us to believe that our only choice is to get into a good uni after secondary school. just like last month we had a “careers’ choices and future planning” workshop where we were introduced many universities and stuff, our school didn't even bother to tell us about the less prestigious school??? so like they said we could go study abroad in the uk, and some uni examples are oxbridge, uni of manchester, london school of economics and imperial college, and that’s all. literally. they were literally hinting to us that these unis are the only choices and withdrawing information about less prestigious unis from us. same for the US unis where they only told us about the ivy leagues. 

and so last year i’ve decided to do vet med at either Cambridge or Cornell, and ever since i’ve been studying my ass off and joining a bunch of different activities (related or not related - I need the certificates and experiences). i didn’t realise it but i’ve got so much on my plate. to illustrate here’s my usual timetable for the majority of the year 

monday - school 7:45 to 4:00                 athletics 4:00 to 7:00                 dinner 7:30 to 7:45                 shower 7:45 to 8:00                 homework and studying 8:00 to however late it might be 

tuesday - school 7:45 to 4:00                 french 4:00 to 5:30                  homework and studying 6:00 to 7:30                  dinner 7:30 to 7:45                 shower 7:45 to 8:00                                 piano practice 8:00 to 9:30                  homework and studying 9:30 to however late it might be 

and basically everyday is the same but with different extracurriculars. some days i even get at 5 to get some shit done before school. 

i rmb this one time i was painting at night cuz i study art and it was really late. it was so late that i heard birds chirping outside to i knew i had to at least sleep for an hour or two before school. i packed up and went to the washroom to pour away the dirty paint water but accidentally spilled everything on the floor. now normally i would’ve cleaned it up. no big deal. but that day i was so tired that i sat in the puddle on paint water and cried for an hour then got changed and went to school like nothing happened. no one knew because i handed in everything. i had good grades. i didn’t complain. but that doesn't make it ok. it doesn't change the fact that the school is pushing the students too hard. 

another one of my friend was so exhausted that she had to stay in a hospital for 2 weeks. all because of school. another one of my friend wrote and typed so much that she pulled some muscles in her hand and she couldn’t play guitar now. 

and i’ve been holding on so well because i was literally too busy to feel the stress?? but that’s a lie cuz i have so many breakouts. i used to have such good skin but now i have breakouts all over my forehead cuz of stress. 

so long story short i had a breakdown today and now i think i’m sick but i don't wanna skip school.

[deadinsidedressage]

Anonymous Barn Drama #28

The Worst USPC Show Jump Rally, Literally Ever: Part 2

You’ve Never Seen a Little Kid Truly Devastated Until a Whole Team of Them Are DQ’d

Well, the Rally rolls around.  Let me start with a really brief breakdown of how Rallies function: 

Everyone has to arrive before a certain time, you can overnight or morning of.

Everyone has to set up all their stalls and tackroom/feed room between specific time parameters (generally it’s roughly an hour to do so)

Parents are not allowed. At all. Ever. Trainers are not allowed outside of the warm-up ring.

You have 3 rides in a Show Jump Rally: Equitation, Take Your Own Line, and Normal Knockdown w/ Jump Off

The morning competition starts (or at times the night before, wholly dependent on whose hosting the Rally & official times, OR both) everyone has to do official jogs and get their horses passed for competition. This literally involves SOME version of everyone being in a line for way too long.

Horse Management judging breaks down like this:

Your tack trunk/feed room/WHOLE setup is judged all at one time. You can regain points if you can prove they just missed something, usually your Stable Manager helps walk them though.

Your cleanliness of stalls & overall well-being of the horses is generally judged at least once more in an unannounced walk-through, sometimes they do 2 or 3 walkthroughs

You have an official judging of you cleanliness and turnout ONCE the whole weekend, other times you are just given a safety check before riding. 

You are judged on the condition of your horse, tack, & boots an HOUR after your last ride of the day is completed (Rallies are generally 2 days of riding)

NOW, keep all the above in mind.  So, let’s start with the night we all roll in. We’re allowed to bring in the tack trunk but not set it up, are allowed to set up the feed room since we have to feed and at this Rally everyone had to be there by 8pm or something stupid like that because it was SUCH a big Rally that we needed to start riding ASAP in the morning. The horse I brought is on the smaller end, BUT has horrible, horrible ground manners. Charges the stall door when opened, kicks at anything and everything, and desperately wants to bite everyone to death. Obviously none of the kids can or should be handling this horse. Which also means... I can’t help them because I’m too busy keeping this horse from going on a murder spree. Now the OTHER upper level riding brought a 17.2hh RIGHT off the track OTTB. Literally, it’s been maybe 2 full months AND he was raced up until the end. He’s TOO big for his own good and just the flightiest, stupidest motherfucker. Clearly none of the children can or should handle him either. Which means SHE also cannot help any of the children.  Our Stable Managers (SMs) consist of one 17 year old and one 7 year old. The 7 year old is useless. Cue one 17 year old trying to user 8 horse & rider combos down to jogs with the appropriate footwear, helmets, gloves, and competitor numbers. Cue all but one of the 6 children combos not being used to leading their ponies EVER and therefore this being an impossible task. Imagine my 17 y.o. SM singing “The Impossible Dream” and sobbing as she tries to herd one thousand cats that are just spraying piss and that’s probably a pretty close mental image to how this went down. We all end up being cleared, BUT we’re not cleared until almost midnight. We’ve been in that line since 8:30. All those kids were tired. I was tired. My friend was tired. The two green jackasses were somehow NOT tired and had never ceased their shit.  So it’s day one of riding. We have the EQ & make your own course rides. Already in the morning everything is a clusterfuck. One of the ponies does not have a breakaway halter and NONE of the ponies have emergency contact on their halters. If you do not have these things, you lose points. We make tape tags and realize we’re already off to a bad start with our Horse Management (HM) score. At some point between either taking the 6 children to get either their coursewalks in or hot chocolate OR a group pee break... the pony without the breakaway has a... different fucking halter on...  The only way that pony had a different halter on would be if a parent came into the barn and changed it. Parents are not allowed in. The entire team will be disqualified, not allowed to ride, and sent home if someone finds out a parent came in. We’re paranoid as fuck and make the pony another tape tag. We pray this doesn’t happen again. But it does. Approximately three more times. Two of which happened inbetween judges coming through so we lose a total of 4 points for this pony’s halter because the two times they come through the pony has a different non-breakaway (-1) and non-tagged (-1) halter. Jesus fuck.  They started with the super high classes, came down to about 3′3 (1m) at this Rally before then building back up from the trot poles. Idk what the method to their madness was, but I just remember we had a pretty long time before we needed to actually get ready for inspections and our first rides.  During ANOTHER break for either food or peeing or the kids wanted to look at the people selling sweatshirts... we come to find a pony has disappeared. The three young adults are FREAKING THE FUCK OUT until the little girl who belongs to that pony goes “Oh, he needs to be lunged before I ride him so my trainer probably came in and took him.” What. The. Fuck. 

Again, if this was discovered we would ALL be disqualified and sent home. The official ruling at the time was that if a horse needed to be lunged it could be lunged by anyone on the team who was a C2 or above BUT couldn’t be lunged by someone not on the team. I was a C3, my friend was a C2, my SM was an HB. One of us could have legally lunged that pony...  Oh and it should be noted that the trainer who lunged the pony ended up not even being the same trainer we had paid to coach our team. One of these girl’s mom’s literally paid her regular trainer to drive a 1 1/2 hour distance to lung this pony ILLEGALLY for 30 minutes.

This is where the real fun begins. Formal inspections. So, as stated in the last part of this story; my friend and I are competing at a lower level than the children on our team which means we have to leave to do formals and ride before them. WHICH MEANS we cannot help get any of them ready. We are not able to get any help while tacking up our horses because of aforementioned issues with the horses themselves BUT ALSO a) My SM is literally have to babysit 7 kids b) These kids don’t know how to tack up c) Even if my SM could help, she wouldn’t have time to help 2 riders AND have enough time to get 6 kids ready. She starts trying to orchestrate 6 kids getting ready when both of us upper level girls are about halfway through getting ready. We with her godspeed and leave.  We both end up having GREAT formal inspections, both get a lot of exceeds standards and no loss of points. We ALSO both have amazing EQ rounds. We’re feeling like we’re on cloud nine! We go back into the warm-up arena to cooldown and all 6 children are THERE, so that’s GOOD. When our horses are chill, we leave and prep for the upcoming follow-up inspections.  What we learn upon returning: There wasn’t a single child who didn’t manage to get at minimum 5 points off. This is thanks to none of them knowing how to put ANY tack on their horse, insisting they HAD to have their standing martingales on (NOT LEGAL TACK, -1 AND REMOVED), and apparently readjusting a bunch of shit on their horses after the SM had put them in line for their formals and since they didn’t know what the fuck they were doing they just fucked it all up.  My favorite is the girl whose trainer insisted her horse needed SMBs put the SMBs on backwards. As in the part the fetlock clearly goes in was on the front of the ankle. She was the oldest kid too.  What we learn upon ride scores being posted: All of the kids were at minimum 90 seconds over optimum time (factored into the EQ score) because they apparently refused to canter and the trainer being  used as the coach for our team thought there was somehow a different optimum time for ponies despite IT BEING LISTED THAT OPTIMUM TIME SHOULD BE DOABLE FOR PONIES and the THERE’S ONLY ONE OPTIMUM TIME. So, we’re already completely fucked over for placing in this competition. Both teams are so dead last it’s laughable because there is no way in hell we will ever catch up to any of the other teams. We’re just in competition for who between our two teams will be second to last.  We manage to be successful in not racking up anymore bad points for the “turnback” inspections (which are basically, hey is your stall clean did you clean your horse and did you clean your tack again). Miraculous. HOWEVER... during the inspections of our tack trunk/everything else we manage to earn over 20 negative points PER TEAM.  PER GODDAMN TEAM. So all the stuff that we didn’t have that that one mother offered to buy? She didn’t. She bought like one tube of neosporin and called it good. The grooming boxes we wanted to go through with the kids? Yeah, none of the kids had the right brushes... or wash buckets and sponges... OH AND, when they checked the overall cleanliness of the stalls, well that was after the one competent SM had trucked 6 kids down to get their formals done and she hadn’t had time to pick out 6 stalls yet. Cause... none of those kids were going to do it. In fact they straight up refused.  So we are SUPER fucking deadlast.  Second round of rides are Take Your Own Line, I grew up knowing that if you didn’t want to put any effort into designing a course you could just redo the EQ course and it was FINE. No one CARED. You don’t get extra points for creativity. Right so, all 6 kids want to come up with some special course. None of these kids understand crossing their line. Apparently when they have the coach review their courses he doesn’t notice it either. He ALSO doesn’t notice that the start/end line is just the middle of the direction and you have to pass it FACING the gate to start and pass it AWAY from the gate to end. He ends up okaying 7 courses that are going to get disqualified for crossing the line or not entering the start flags.  Now, side note: I hate this coach and did not pay for his coaching and refused his coaching. I try and point out the start/finish line but he fucking hates me back so he insists he’s correct. I’m like okay whatever I’m repeating the EQ course but making sure I cross this way instead. SIMPLE.  My friend gets DQ’d for not crossing start before going over her first fence. All 6 kids get DQ’d for that OR if they make it past that they get DQ’d on their 2nd or 3rd fence for crossing their line.  I had a really super round if anyone cares.  We end up doing a team/club dinner when we’re dismissed for the night and it consists of 6 children sobbing about the unfairness of the world because they were all DQ’d and had the worst EQ scores I’ve ever seen at a USPC Rally thanks to the optimum time shit. The coach is too ashamed to show his face.  BUT WAIT, IT ONLY GETS BETTER ON DAY 2 OF RIDES!

[sandcastles-hedestroys]

1-70 I want to know it all in great detail

I see, the key to getting asks is to passive-aggressively tag your friends.

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

Anyone who has ever known me in real life knows I absolutely do not. I have an alcoholic, compulsive liar for a mother and an absent father, plus some grandparents who are so convinced that they are my actual parents that they would probably kick me out if they learned I refer to them as my grandparents. Fun times.

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to?

Either my dog or yours lol. I don’t like telling people I love them. That’s something to be shown through your actions, otherwise the word loses its meaning. 

03: Do you regret anything?

I don’t even know where to start with this one. I’ve regretted basically every major decision I’ve made, and I probably shouldn’t be allowed to think for myself. If I had to name a few things that I regret right now, I would say I regret spending my spring break being so bitter. I really did have a good time, but I would have enjoyed myself more if I hadn’t tried to make it about me. My other big regret at the moment is cancelling my campus residence app. I screwed myself out of a guaranteed place and now I’m stuck with a bunch of drama and uncertainty. Also, there’s a friend that I’ve had for years and there were times when I was pretty horrible to her and she stuck with me despite it. I wish I had been mature enough at the time to be the person she needed in her life, instead of causing drama.

04: Are you insecure?

Extremely. I have a lot of insecurities about my body, mostly my face and hair, but a lot of my family in underweight and it was kind of instilled in me, that to be attractive I had to be underweight, like I remember when I started high school I made it a goal to stay below 110lbs until after graduation. I was still growing so that goal was as unrealistic as it was unhealthy. I’ve struggled with disordered eating since I was like 12. Other than that I can be really insecure about asking for the things I want and need. One of my biggest fears is people seeing me as selfish.

05: What is your relationship status?

I’m a single Pringle! I was in a relationship for a few months, but I got dumped because I consistently put my friends before her, which is funny because I’m in the middle of some conflicts with friends over not talking with them enough. I’ve been on a few dates and stuff since then, but I’m in a bad place right now mental health wise, so being single is probably for the best rn. 

06: How do you want to die?

This is kind of dark, but I don’t really care how I die as long as I’m in control of how it happens. If there’s a really wild and interesting story involved that would be even better. 

07: What did you last eat?

I’m munching on some green chili peanuts with a crap ton of Diet Coke. I’m at home right now so I’ve been eating way more than usual.

08: Played any sports?

I used to do ballet, gymnastics, contemporary and jazz, as well as various ballroom dances. I’ve blocked most of it out and lost a lot of my flexibility, but I would love to return to ballet at some point. I miss gymnastics too, but I’m too tall for it lol.

09: Do you bite your nails?

I’ve always been weirdly prideful of my nails and the thought of biting them has always freaked me out, like my nails are my babies. Keeping them nice is a big deal to me so my chompers can stay the hell away lmao

10: When was your last physical fight?

I’ve never actually been in a physical fight. The closest encounters were last semester, when my old roommate got a concussion from a crazy person that used to live with us, and a few years ago when I let a friend slap me.

11: Do you like someone?

I’m assuming this means like like. I’m not super interested in dating right now, but there have been people that have sparked my interest recently.

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours?

I am smol and weak. My fragile shell of a body would actually start to disintegrate if I tried this. I’ve only made it to 24hrs once and my body like completely shut down.

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment?

I don’t like using the word hate for the same reasons I don’t like using the word love. There are people that I will not associate myself with and there are people in my life that I don’t feel any positive emotions towards, but there isn’t anyone that I could comfortably say I hate. 

14: Do you miss someone?

There are a lot of people from my life a few years back that I really miss, but I have to remind myself that I was a different person then, and some bonds are meant to be broken. I also really miss a lot of the friends I have at school. I take them for granted until we’re apart and then I feel all hallow, like part of me left too and that really sucks.

15: Have any pets?

I have a Chihuahua-weiner mix. He’s super old and he doesn’t have a tail and his name is Bob. He’s great. My aunt’s dog is basically my dog too, and he’s a pit mix. His name is Chester and he is actually a giant teddy bear. My friends have a doggo too, her name is Gwen and I am her aunt. She is the most talented and amazing fluffer who deserves the world.

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment?

I’m at that weirdly numb point right now where emotions are like a foreign concept to me. I’ve been super stressed and I have a lot of pretty serious decisions at the back of my mind that I can do nothing about at the moment. I’m super behind on my schoolwork and with all this stress, I know I can’t catch up. It’s super frustrating and there’s been a lot of drama amongst my friend group, making me feel like I can’t really trust anyone in my life right now. My age has been preventing me from doing so much recently and since my birthday is around the corner, even the people who claim to understand have been super condescending about my anger over it. There have also been a lot of deaths recently in the city where I go to school, and I’ve learned that death is a bit of a trigger for me, so that hasn’t been fun. I feel like I’m one serious breakdown from being there myself and that’s super scary. 

17: Ever made out in the bathroom?

Somehow, no.

18: Are you scared of spiders?

When I was little I was really afraid of spiders and would go out of my way to have them killed. I had intense breakdowns whenever I thought a web touched me. Now, I regret having hurt innocent creatures and I think spiders are really cool. Leave the land crabs alone!

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?

Yeah, knowing what I know now, I think that it would be cool to try and get myself to the point where I am now, but without a lot of the drama.

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone?

My dorm room lol. 

21: What are your plans for this weekend?

I’m taking a greyhound back to my college town on Saturday, and Sunday I’m returning to my normal schedule. I’m not looking forward to that eight hour bus ride.

22: Do you want to have kids? How many?

I’m kind of a lone wolf, and I really want to travel so kinds aren’t really in the picture, at least not until I’ve gotten my doctorate. Even then I would either adopt or use a donor, and I wouldn’t have more than two. 

23: Do you have piercings? How many?

Right now only my ears are pierced, but I plan on getting my septum done in May, followed by a double medusa. I also really want dimples and a brow done. Eventually I’d do my nipples and stomach as well.

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)?

I’ve always been geared toward the liberal arts. I love all things involving art, history, and languages. I low-key have always enjoyed math too. I’m working on my bachelors in comparative cultural studies with minors in queer studies and museum studies. I want to carry that on to a masters in gender studies and a phd in Buddhist art. After that I’d like to go back to school fo economics and eventually obtain a masters in economic history.

25: Do you miss anyone from your past?

I miss people from my past when I’m unsatisfied with the people currently in my life. I have to remind myself that they aren’t around anymore for a reason and that it’s more important to work on the relationships that are relevant. Dwelling on the past does more harm than good. 

26: What are you craving right now?

Some love and affection? I’m not craving anything really. I could just use some peace and quiet.

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

Yes. I’ve broken an ex’s heart when I ended the relationship. I was unhappy, to the point where I cheated. This was also the point when I started to question if I was actually a lesbian. I dumped him and never told him why. I broke my friend’s heart when I led her on, but then rejected her because I was in love with someone else (who did something similar to me). I broke my aunt’s heart when I told her I felt like I don’t have a family. I broke my biological mother’s heart when I made it clear that I didn’t want her in my life. I’m pretty good at the whole hurting others thing. 

28: Have you ever been cheated on?

It’s very possible, but if someone did, they never told me.

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?

I can’t name a specific time, but I’m sure it’s happened.

30: What’s irritating you right now?

What isn’t irritating me right now? Oh my god. 

31: Does somebody love you?

I’ve had a lot of people tell me they do, but I have a hard time feeling it most of the time.

32: What is your favourite color?

I love every color, and I don’t like making colors feel left out, so my favorite changes a lot. Right now it’s yellow, because yellow is a bright, warm, happy color. I also really like pink. The pastels of both of those are 10/10

33: Do you have trust issues?

I legit don’t even trust myself. The only person I honestly trust 100% is my aunt. I have really bad trust issues, but I also overshare a ton. My life is a cycle of sharing my life story and then panicking. 

34: Who/what was your last dream about?

The other night I went to sleep while drunk and I had this wild dream where I met someone, learned his whole life story, flirted and eventually fell in love with him, came out to him, saying I’m not sexually attracted to guys (he came out as ace too so it was perf), and then he was hit by a car, causing irreparable brain damage. I woke up right after, but that dream will haunt me.

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of?

My aunt. I was updating her on my life in college, and it’s been less than ideal.

36: Do you give out second chances too easily?

I’m a huge believer of forgive but don’t forget. I used to be so bad about grudges that I would be angry even after forgetting what I was upset about. I guess I have the opposite issue here.

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget?

Forgive. Like I said above, I might forgive you, but knowing what someone did before will always leaving me searching for instances of them doing it again. Trust issues who?

38: Is this year the best year of your life?

It’s only March and I already know that it will be one of the worst years of my life. Ugh.

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss?

I think I was thirteen. I didn’t know how I felt about guys at the time and I almost puked in that poor dude’s mouth. 

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked?

I have, and it was terrifying. Midday skinny dipping wasn’t one of my greatest ideas.

51: Favourite food?

Avocado on toast with a poached egg on top, muffuletta, yellow curry, and eggs benedict are my top ones.

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

Absolutely. I didn’t really believe this until my roommate’s big fight last year. So much happened in one night, that wouldn’t have happened if we had done things even a second later. It was wild, but it was like there was so much pent up negative energy that the universe needed to release, and it found a way to make that happen.

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?

I put some food away.

54: Is cheating ever okay?

The thing about cheating is that it’s when you go out of your way to do something with someone else when you know it would hurt your current partner. It’s something that happens when you aren’t happy in your relationship, and in a lot of cases it can be a cry for help. It is hurtful and a sign that a relationship isn’t meant to be, but cheaters shouldn’t always be villainized.

55: Are you mean?

I can be, but I try not to.

56: How many people have you fist fought?

None, lol

57: Do you believe in true love?

Not really. There are so many people that we have things in common with or who exist on the same wavelength. We might find someone that makes us happy for a long while, but nothing is permanent.

58: Favourite weather?

I love hot, sunny days when you can leave windows open, wear shorts, and only drink things with ice. 

59: Do you like the snow?

I lived in Alaska for over nine years before moving to the Sonoran desert. I moved to Northern Arizona for school, and when I saw snow again, it was as an adult who only saw the negative aspects of it. I hate being cold.

60: Do you wanna get married?

I don’t see myself ever being married. I would have to really love someone if I were to actually settle down and start a life with them. Right now I really only see it as something that would tie me down.

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?

I honestly hate baby as a pet name. It freaks me out. The only pet names I find cute are the unusual ones, like once when an ex accidentally called me cornbread.

62: What makes you happy?

Getting my nails done, binging my favorite show (Archer), travel, doggos, wandering around in stores with my music blasting so I can feel like I’m somewhere away from my problems, seeing people impressed with food I made, completing a project and being proud of my work, etc.

63: Would you change your name?

I hate my birth name, but I’m also afraid I’ve been conditioned to feel that way by my grandparents as a way to attack my bio mom. Because of that, I’ve been going by my middle name and various nicknames. Most people close to me call me Abby, but my favorite thing is to be called Lynn. I’m pretty hesitant to legally change it though.

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?

Yeah, the last person I kissed kinda sexually assaulted me, and I’d like to avoid that.

65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

Reject them as nicely as possible. Dating would be bad for me right now, and I’m pretty sure I’m not sexually attracted to men.

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?

I don’t think I have a best friend, period. I don’t think I’m entirely myself around anyone through. Different people will bring out different parts of my personality.

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

Not sure tbh. 

68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

My aunt. The conversation we had about my life at school was pretty emotional.

69: Do you believe in soulmates?

No, for the same reason I don’t believe in true love. Life is too impermanent for there to be someone our soul fits with perfectly. There is too much change for something to be predetermined like that. 

70: Is there anyone you would die for? 

Anyone who has ever been somewhat nice too me. Honestly though I would be willing to die for a lot of people. The thought of anyone else having to suffer really sucks and if I can save them from that, I would.

[nightcoremoon]

tw: drugs

well, after the stressful family gathering where thankfully nothing happened (except I ate a lot of bulgogi, fried rice, and handmade egg rolls, and continue to pretend to be a cis man in front of a bunch of transphobes) I went to go hang out with my sister, our cousin, and some of their friends at a park about half an hour from my house, and they were all super supportive of me (and really liked me for me) and they had some marijuana and I tried some. for the first time in my life. I made a mistake. "triple inhale" is what my sister said that I did, and I held it in my lungs for like a full fifteen seconds. when I breathed it all out I went from "oh hey I feel no difference" to literally hacking my lungs out, crying from choking, & spitting at least a pint of saliva, in the time it took to pass. and then I felt fucking fantastic for several long minutes that felt like an hour. I ended up on the ground somehow, unable to even force myself to think negative thoughts. I got helped back up to the bench and felt a little more clear-headed, but was unable to form any coherent sentences. and then I hit again. way less inhale this time and way less smoke, and way less coughing. I felt really nice for a while, just sitting down and listening to the conversations going around me. one of the friends I hadn't met before and after a somewhat ill-thought-out comment on my part about being envious of girls with breasts, I ended up coming out to her and the other girl, who I met last weekend but didn't really talk to because she was super high. the girl I just met and I really clicked and we ended up cuddling on the bench for what seems like another hour... a bit after I broke down crying due to my whole issue with physical contact. anyone who hasn't religiously followed all of my posts (probably like 99% of my followers basically, lmao; no salt, just true ;) should probably know that I had sort of a breakdown recently over how touch-starved I am and how I really wanted somebody who I could hug and cuddle with after such a long time of not having touched anybody who wasn't in my immediate family [and those hugs don't have the kind of intense pressure my autistic ass wants and needs]. so basically I really really needed this tonight. I like this girl. not as in like a /like like/ as in a crush but as in I'm glad I met her because she's really cool. but she's also really cute too. so I'd definitely like to see her and talk to her again and luckily I exchanged facebook information with her so I'll message her tomorrow at a sane and rational hour. I hope she wasn't put off by my... well, anything. I don't know what kind of shit I overshared while high. which was great, by the way. and don't worry, I was safe, and it all passed by the time I got back behind the wheel. but like. when I was being introduced to her by my sister and my cousin's friend who I already knew, all they were focusing on had to do with her sex life. a) as if that's my business, and b) as if having sex, whatever amount, would get in the way of my being friends with her, & c) that's like really super slut-shaming and a huge violation of her privacy. they didn't tell me anything about her personality. which is a real shame because from what I gathered about her she is incredibly respectful of personal boundaries (I offered to shake her hand in greeting and she responded with "i'd hug you but I don't know if you'd like it" so I was just like "go for it" and we hugged 😊and she didn't ask any weird questions of me, just what cis meant and what pronouns to use and other stuff), she's really open about all her emotions and thoughts, we share a lot of really similar tastes and outlooks, she's got a nice ear for music, some other personal stuff that I'm not gonna write because it's personal, she's really physically affectionate (😍), shes a really nice hugger, and she's really pretty. she'd probably be my long term appearance goals too, if I were black but since I'm not I can still appreciate how aesthetically attractive she is. her hair was really cool but even high I knew not to ask to touch it because that's a thing I've seen bothers a lot of woc, so even though it was just like one of my favorite fallout 3 hairstyles (like the one with the several small ponytails but not that one you're thinking of) and as much as I'd really like to run my fingers though people's hair I wasn't gonna do or say something that could potentially upset her. I just really hope we can continue to mesh so well together in a friendly environment. and though unfortunately the time that we all spent together was cut short by a sudden burst of rain I'm really glad this happened to me tonight. I'm really glad that I met her and that she exists. ☺️ also I think I'm still kinda high. remember kids, if you're gonna smoke weed, make sure that you have a designated driver, a responsible sibling or designated mom friend, and are around some people who know what the fuck they're doing. or you're with your parents or legal guardians. and don't have an internet connection or the ability to blow $20 on shitty Taco Bell burritos at 2 AM. be safe if you experiment with marijuana. also have a water bottle because godDAMN am I thirstier than I was throughout all of high school.

[itsworn]

Brains of the Operation: Catching Up with Brian Lohnes and the New Season of Put Up or Shut Up

Yesterday, the second season of Put Up or Shut Up kicked off with a bar fight between CorteX Racing’s 1966 Ford Mustang and the mad Stuttgart scientists’ 2017 Porsche 911 Turbo S. The show is basically this: $10,000 is put-up between hand-picked match races, and the best-of-three wins. The series has seen everything from drag racing 18-wheelers to dirt modifieds duke it out, and it’s a non-nonsense look into the science of how these machines dominate their sports. We caught up with Brian Lohnes, friend of HRM and host of PUOSU, to see what’s brewing with the show and what wisdom hindsight has given him with a show season behind him.

How did this carnival of horsepower begin?

Lohnes: “So the concept was pretty wide open. Freiburger at the time came to me and asked if I’d be interested in being involved with the show. And I said, of course I would, sounded like great opportunity but we didn’t even so much as have like a format really. We really started as kind of a blank sheet of paper. We all kind of bounced ideas around about what we wanted it to be and ultimately we all kind of met in the middle when it started to kind of obviously a motorsport show that showcases either motorsports that people don’t know a lot about or showcases traditional motorsports in a non-traditional format. And it’s funny because conceptually the show has changed some over time were like, at first it was going to be all about the 10-grand that somebody won for winning the show. And what’s evolved is there’s still money involved for the winner of the show, but we evolved way more into a showcase of racing in a fun way as opposed to just being about somebody winning 10-grand.

It was not going to be some overhype thing that everyone’s going to chuck and wrenches at each other and whatnot. It really needed to be about competition. And uh, in some episodes have been, you know a little bit more emotionally intense than others when you have people that do have a natural rivalry. But at the end of today, the highlight of the show is always the wheel-to-wheel or tractor-to-tractor battles that we’ve put on.”

You’ve talked and written a lot about how different sportscasters have influenced you, but how does it feel to bring that childhood influence full-circle now as a full-time announcer with the NHRA?

Lohnes: “Incredible. I mean, it’s the most cliche thing ever, but it’s like you wake up and you’re like, ‘Oh my God, like this is actually what I get paid to do!’ To me, it’s like a kid who grew and was able to become a professional athlete. Really, to me, it’s like that. You grow up and he kind of idolize these guys and you’re looking at what they’re doing and you try to be like them. Not copying them, you try to put your mark on things to be able to do this thing professionally.

Growing up, what TV shows affected how you approached Put Up or Shut Up?

Lohnes: “For me it was American Sports Cavalcade, a show that was on TNN for 20 years and it was every Sunday. Back in the day before you had to get your paper TV guide and read it. But the cool thing about it was that we never knew, like week to week, what was going to be shown. So you could be watching one week and it would be the drag races and then the next week it would be swamp buggies and the weekend after that it will be a World of Outlaws race. That was a show that literally formulated by life because I loved watching it every week and learning something, and even when they did ridiculous things like the swamp buggies, they treated everything really seriously. So like you’re watching a swamp buggy race, and they treated those guys like they were Top Fuel racers and it was cool because the racers got respect.

And that’s like, to me, that’s like the most fun thing about what we’re doing with Put Up or Shut Up: no one has come to me and said we can only do this or that. We get to explore different things and honestly it’s kind of fun because you really get to see like you get to see people both like or dislike different things, like I was really interested to see what the response is going to be when we ran our first dirt track episode. People know me from drag racing and many were the kind of people started who watching the show at the beginning because we were doing drag racing stuff.  Then when we were able to branch out of the drag strip, it really opened up our audience. So a lot of people were super excited that we’re weren’t just doing drag race and stuff and that’s what led to the road racing episode obviously.”

“Where’s the engine?” asks the film crew while filming the beauty shots of our 2017 Porsche Turbo S — a technologically belligerent, modern super car.

Now that you mention it, how did this shindig get together?

Lohnes: “So the way the matchup kind of shook out was we wanted to do something along these lines, like we wanted to do a modern pro-touring car and some sort of an exotic. And initially we, we’re thinking about Mike Musto, really, to be honest with you, we wondered if Musto would race his Daytona against somebody. And so when I went to Mike, he  says ‘I got a buddy who was tailor made for this.’ And I’m like, okay. And I had never met Filip , uh, and then when he showed me his car, I seen the car before because it had been featured in magazines and stuff like that.  And thankfully Randy Pobst has as such a great relationship and presence with Motor Trend and the channel,  he was all on-board. Then we looked at what was in the fleet, we got permission from Porsche and off we went!”

No bias, where did you place your bet before filming?

Lohnes: “Oh, without bias, I thought the Porsche was going to handle it, I thought the horse was going to out-handle the Mustang even though the Mustang had all the great chassis, big tires, and a bunch of horsepower and stuff. I figured: one, with Randy [who practically lives under the porch of Willow Springs, rent-free], and two, with the amount of technology in that car,  that he was going to be a runaway. I had no conception that it would be literally a dead heat.”

One thing that seperates Put Up or Shut Up from other shows is the amount of data in the post-run breakdowns — how does this help put things in perspective?

Lohnes: “It’s really fun for me. So data acquisition on the car, you have info coming from all different directions, loads from all the corners, it accurately clock speeds and everything else. So the fun thing is a once that we get the data, we have it delivered to us in a bunch of different forms in terms of how you graph it, which axis of the graph is what. So we get to kind of look at it and go, ‘Okay, this is what’s interesting, let’s focus on this or that.’ So it’s kind of a neat element to be able to post-fact look at what happened and then decide you know, what you want to explain or what the numbers tell you.”

The data-logger’s brainbox is secured in the floor, providing accurate G-load and speed data.

What’s one of the unique difficulties from a production side that Put Up or Shut Up presents?

Lohnes: “One of the things that’s not really a challenge as much as it was one of my greatest joys is our production crew. Most of them aren’t racers and most of them have never been exposed to any of the things that we do. And so for me it’s always cool when we get to a shoot and everybody’s hanging out and drinking a beer the night before, like you talk to some of the guys that are running the cameras or the sound guys, and they’re like ‘We love doing the show because we get to do cool stuff,’ and we’re going to places that they’ve never been to. We’re seeing things they’ve never seen. To me it’s a great kind of test audience because ultimately, you know, somebody who’s never seen any of this stuff when they’re getting a look at it for the first time and they think it’s awesome, that’s when you know.

But challenge wise? Logistics — it’s one thing to come up with an idea and it’s another thing to find a racetrack, rent the race track on the dates that you want it, then get to racers who aren’t going to blow their stuff up the week before trying to test it or aren’t going to flake out and not show up. That’s the part that keeps me up at night, we come up with a lot of great ideas and then it’s actually getting the rubber to the road, so to speak, is what’s hard. and it’s getting easier, it gets way easier when the show has the notoriety which it has gotten so far. So when you call up and you ask them if they’d want to do it, they know what it’s all about, and that helps a lot.”

It’s a good problem to have for our automotive culture, but with the explosion of shows in recent years — especially in drag racing — how does Put Up or Shut Up try to stand out?

Lohnes: “Yeah, no, there’s a ton of stuff on right now! So, how do you stand out? And for me it’s like, I think my involvement in the sport of drag racing [as an announcer for NHRA, Drag Week, countless local races, and even land speed events], it’s a benefit in the sense that I know a lot of the gems that a lot of people don’t know. You know,  there’s a lot of big obvious things people know about, you know, whether we’re talking about the normal NHRA or Street Outlaws stuff, but there is so much awesome variety in drag racing. We’re going to shoot an episode with Top Fuel dirt drag racing motorcycles. We’re going to that next month, and I guarantee you there’s a tiny handful of people in the world that even know that guy’s race 2,000hp motorcycles on the dirt.

They’re full-on supercharged, nitro-burning, billet-block four-cylinders with basically a giant-ass bogger tire on the back. They’ll go 160mph in 300 feet on dirt.”

Dream match-ups, go:

Lohnes: “I want to drag race one of the top level swamp buggies versus an airboat. There’s an airboat drag strip in Florida that’s only two and a half feet of water, so I want to put one of the bad ass, blown big-block, mountain-motor swamp buggies up against an airboat in an eighth mile swamp drag race.

Also no-bar-style motorcycle — like no wheelie-bar style bikes — they run mid-to-high 6 in the quarter, 220, 230 miles an hour, and put it up against a Pro Stock car.”

  The post Brains of the Operation: Catching Up with Brian Lohnes and the New Season of Put Up or Shut Up appeared first on Hot Rod Network.

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[elsa-autumn]

I stepped foot in the States one year ago, and to be honest, at that moment I would never believe if anyone told me that this country would hold on to my heart.

However, this is not a story about how well America treated me, but the story of me being beaten up by the United States. which we always refer to "tough love." This is the story of me learning to become a young adult while I was in the USA.

08/2017: Over-excited

After a 2-day flight, I finally landed at Los Angeles International Airport (LAX). It was the most terrible flight that I could imagine. Instead of 14-hour straight flight from HongKong to LAX. I had to take off and landing 6 times, arrive 4 destinations, go through 4 different time zones due to the technical and medical issue.

Despite the long tired flight and being jetlag because of 14-hour different time zone, I managed to get super excited about everything around and got back to my normal health condition after 3 days.

I study in the Southern California, my University located near Los Angeles (LA) - the angel city. I was so excited about the new country which I have only seen through movies, books...I could not believe that I was there, in the scene of the movies that I have always watched.

During the first month, it seemed to be that nothing could ever bother me. The weather was perfect with the sun, blue sky and of course, the palms. Just took a deep breath and I could feel the ocean breeze into my lung, the wind went through hair, and the most wonderful thing was the sun. The sun was not so hot but shine enough to warm you up and make everything looked beautiful. People around me in that little city was very nice and friendly, stranger greeted me with adorable smiles, uber drivers asked me about my day and told me about theirs.

Above all, one of the things I enjoyed most was being free from the control of my parents. I lived with my parents for 20 years and never got a chance to be independent. So yes, I was willing to fly across the world, to study in a country that was 12,000 miles away from home, just to experience the "independence."

No one from home could reach me physically, I had my own world, follow my own rules. Me being stupid thinking: what could go wrong?

And yes, everything could go wrong, and there came September...

09/2017: Language barrier

All the excitement gradually ended while August passing by. It left me confusing with the new month: September.

By that time, I started the school year for about 2 weeks. Nothing much happened in class but it was enough for me to lightly realize the difficulty in a daily conversation. I was totally fine with the lectures, however, when it came to a normal conversation with a new friend, I was shocked by how terrible my English was.

It seemed like all the English I have been taught in school had nothing to do with whatever language I was hearing. They pronounced differently, they used all kind of slang words and idioms, they spoke so fast while I stood still with my mouth open.

I was so shocked, how was I able to make friends when I could not even understand the language?

I tried so hard to start and keep a conversation with my classmates, but I could not get any further than the basic questions: "what is your major?" "how many classes do you take?"

It took me no less than a month to "kind of" understand and be more fluent in the language. But I could never be a "native speaker" (I still have my American friends laugh at my pronunciation today).

I thought that language barrier was a shock to me until I realize that things were going to get worse. And this time, it got me really hard! Say hello to October...

10/2017: Cultural shock

After I reached the level of “kind of” understand what my American friends were talking about, I realized that I had no idea what did they mean.

In turned out that understanding the language was not enough to participate in a conversation, obviously, I needed to have common cultural background knowledge which I did not have at that time. And this so-called "cultural shock" hit me so hard. I felt like I was a 5-year old child who was trying learn to speak and act among a bunch of college students.

My American classmates talked about all kind of stuff and I could not even understand the most basic things. For example, when we asked each other about our days, they told me about the "animal style" meal they had at In n Out, or the very cheap bottle of water they just got at Walmart. And while nodding at their stories, I secretly tried to remember all the brand names so that I could google them at home later that day. Another time when my friends asked me how far was my home country, I proudly answered: 15,000km, just to realize that they used mile instead.

There was one thing I noticed about students in my University, which I believed that partly contributed to my cultural shock: although that they were very nice and tried to help me, they were not open to another culture. Everything around me was not as easy as people always pictured about an "international life." This was not a summer camp where everyone came from different parts of the world, tried to learn a new language, a new culture and made the world a better place. This was nothing like the international student events that many people talked about or might be experienced (as I did when I was at home).People around me were at their home, there was almost no one else in my classes but me being an international student. They were not in a mood for openness or tried to learn a new culture, they were in their homeland, and there was no reason for them to try to "blend-in" another culture.

I had a very hard time making friends and felt lonely more than ever. I was a super extrovert person when I was in Vietnam, and then I could even dare to start a conversation with anyone. I registered all of my classes alone (without any Vietnamese friends), therefore my schedule was also different and I had to do everything alone. If I could not make any friend in my classes, then I did not have anyone to talk at school. Then there came the chain of alone days, when I just wondered around campus by myself. I often sat at a small corner in the campus, had lunch alone and wished that someone could come and talk to me. And of course, the obvious result of culture shock was depression which I had in November...

11/2017: Depression and Anxiety Disorder

While I was suffering from culture shock, I also took 6 classes - the maximum number that anyone could take in one semester. And it was a stupid idea to take that many classes!I also had a high expectation of myself. Well, after all, I came to the US to learn, and I had nothing much to do but learning, I should be good at it. That was exactly what I thought during the first semester, I aimed to have straight A in all of my 6 classes (another stupid idea of mine, however, I got 3.9 GPA after all).

I was overloaded by all of the school work, by my high expectation on myself. And I missed home at the same time, I felt so lonely and being left out of the society, the only one I could talk to was my roommate. However, I could not reach for help from my family or my friends since everyone was half a globe away. The reason made me felt so happy in the first month also was the same thing that broke me down: independence. I struggled in my own world, no one could help me or even gave me a hug to tell me that everything would be alright.

My friends and my family at home just could not understand what was happening to me in a land so far away, and my new friends here could not understand how everything worked for me in a land so far away too.I was tired, I had a nervous breakdown. I could not sleep for a few weeks, I could not eat, I felt like vomiting all the time. I cried a lot (almost every day, sometimes even in the middle of the campus) and hide in a corner of the room.

I felt like I could not take it anymore, I could not be in the USA for even another single day. I could not remember how many times I searched for a flight ticket to go back home on the next day. I just remembered sat in the bathroom at 4am and cried my eyes out, I felt so hard to breathe and all I could say to my friend at home was “take me home, please. Take me home, I can not handle it anymore, I just want to go home”. At a point, I even felt like I was literally dying, I came to the medical center at the university and sought for the help of a psychological counselor. I just sat there and cried non-stop for half an hour. But when she asked me if I wanted to have permission to reduce the classes, I said no, I wanted to extend my limit of handling the stress but not giving up and run away. It was even harder for me to give up than struggling because of stress. To be honest, I did not know what kept me going forward through those tired lonely days. I just knew that I had to get through that, that was how I could grow up!  

12/2017: Identity Crisis

Just right after I thought I’ve got myself together, and I finally got everything better. I had the biggest crisis of all: identity crisis. After more than 3 months staying in the United States, I started to get along very well with my American friends. I enjoyed being surrounded by many friends, and I loved the feeling of finding a place I could belong to. However, in order to blend in, I had to dress like American, talked like American, acted like American and partied like American. I gradually changed into a different version of myself.

I learned to talk like my American friends, I made stupid jokes and pretended to care about things that I did not. I started to do my make up differently (normally I just had my lipstick on), I tried to have a tanned skin, with dark eyes shadow and nude lipstick. I said yes whenever a friend asked me to go to the bar. Me, a 21-year old girl who never drank before, got drunk every weekend.

Then it got worse, at the beginning, I got home at 2:30am and felt so terrible about that. Then gradually, I got home later than that, 3:00 am, 4:00 and I even did not get home at all. At first, I just got drunk over the weekend so that I could recover in time for a new week. However, I then found myself was drunk on Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday...I was drowning in the circle of getting drunk and hangover. Since I spend too much time on hanging out and drank so much alcohol. I felt my health and my mind was damage seriously. I felt weak and my grade dropped a little bit just before the final exams.

But I had fun at least? No! It might be fun for the first few times. To be honest, the fun was not worth the cost at all. It cost me my health, my grade, my money and still, I felt extremely unhappy when I woke up the next day. It felt like in America, they did not talk about their problem. They would party and swallow that problem themselves by alcohol. I did the same thing, although I missed home so much and I was going crazy because of the loneliness. I could not talk to anyone about it, everyone had their own problem and I learn to suppress my problems in the American way. However, because I did not solve my problem, it did not go away, it was still there and got bigger every single day. And the worst feeling was not when I was drunk, but after that, in the next morning, when I found myself hangover as hell and I was still lonely in a place that I did not belong to. I have drifted away with all the parties and alcohol. At one point, I looked back and freaked out realizing that I was not myself anymore. Actually, I did not know who I was back then. I was not a Vietnamese girl and not an American girl either. I felt like I was stuck in the middle of two worlds. I did not belong to anywhere.Lucky for me, I had a very long vacation after the first semester. I went on a very long trip to the East Coast and to Canada, just to find the old me back. And I did, I was back to being me, just me.

2017 was one hell of a year, but I got through it, proudly!

[martin-duran]

I want to revisit this very post in a year in the hopes that I am at eased with what I’m calling “the Silver Lake experiment”.

First off, a tip of the hat for having survived five of the most arduous months of your life. From the moment we decided to bid farewell to Sherman Oaks, operation down size started. It’s pretty insane how much stuff we accumulated over 20 years. I’d guess we parted, sold, and donated close to half of our belongings. Clothes, Art, music, movies, furniture, kitchenware, books, sporting goods, decorations, electronics, collectibles and all sorts of junk too. In the end, not everything was as precious as we thought prior to leaving the Valley. 

The day our two former tenants moved out we had our work cut out for us.

It also marked the start of 3 and half months of countless and grueling home renovation projects. On TV they have a crew, no...an army of people helping. For the most part it was the amazing Ramon, Felipe, Tere and I. So many hiccups and set backs, I often felt like I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

Underneath all of the agony of what seemed like never ending projects, was the adjustment of moving into a smaller place in a much different neighborhood than I had grown accustomed to. 

Here are a few things that stung from the jump.

My first night in the new place, Tere was working out of town. I slept on a mattress without any bedding. It was a eerie reminder things were about to change. It felt like we traded in a Tesla for a Prius.

I also went to the local super market on Sunset that first night. I stood at the check out line and watched a woman, in multiple transactions, pay for food with food stamps. 

It was a reminder we had gone from the Chateau to the barrio.

For the first two months Fireworks went off at night and I hated being startled by boom after BOOM.

There’s graffiti in the area, some spots are trashy & the occasional back yard boogie with a dj cranking Rancheras is known to go down. 

Yeah, Silver Lake is Hipsterville and all but it’s still rough around the edges.

Where was I? Oh yeah- Recycling scavengers going through our trash bins seemed like a violation of privacy but that seems like a normal thing around here. 

We also found out our new postman was held up months early and some thug took possession of his master mail box keys. We had to pay a locksmith $75 to secure ours properly. 

It was real bummer to come home after a 4th of July weekend in Santa Fe to find out someone had sheered off our front gate lock and stole a few Amazon boxes from our front tennant. 

Then there was the car wash episode when a mentally ill homeless man incoherently yelled at patrons and gestured a stabbing motion. He approached us near a cross walk and followed us for a while. 

But the biggest challenge is probably living so close to our neighbors. It goes without saying there are no Sergy’s or  a Ron Wallace nearby. 

On the right and left, they feel pressed up against us. Factor in a yappy dog and a quirky next door neighbor whose place might be the block eye soar, it makes me long for the quiet privacy of the Valley.

But I do have to note, we recently went back to the old neighborhood for the first time in over 3 months. Our old house only took 3 months to sell and the house next to Ian & Lisa’s had been rented out to family friends of one of the party houses at the end of the cul-de-sac. It was packed with cars. That was something that drove me bonkers, it felt like an intrusion.

Which leads me back to the Silver Lake Experiment.

Now there are several positive notes. I never thought Sal & Blanca would leave, they’re gone now and we  finally got to update the back two units immensely. 

I finally have a bedroom away from the street which is quiet 90% of the time.

Those new appliances I wanted on Summerfield, got’em.

The proximity to DTLA & East Los is convenient. We’ve taken Lyft to birthdays and gatherings a few times already. You know what else we did the other day? We walked home from a Dodgers game. We’re also blessed with a ton of great bars and restaurants in our backyard.

I think what it is, is the idea that moving to our rental property in Silver Lake was always posed as a worst case scenario. But if you factor in the fact that we no longer have to pay Carol mortgage for the Summerfield house and basically live somewhere for FREE in Los Angeles is pretty extraordinary. Especially if you factor in the housing shortage and the frightening spike in homelessness. 

Tere & I did a great job renovating and the decision to move here has cost effective benefits. In November we’re heading to Australia for close to a month.

That baffles most people. 

This experience is a constant reminder that life is a series of give and takes.

No scenario is perfect. 

 I sort of feel like a stranger in a strange land longing for what was familiar to me for 13 Brady Bunch years. 

I guess the point of this post is that our bungalow home in Silver Lake doesn’t feel like home just yet.

Hopefully, a year from now it will. 

If not, we’ll be in search of new Frontiers.