#but no I’m up crying over something probably stupid and I’m probably overthinking

[wyrm-with-a-why]

Having a crisis I NEED MEGATRONS VALVE

[nochukoo97]

boyfriend drabbles (pt.13)

pairing: jungkook x reader

summary: after you and jungkook’s argument, you decide to sleep in the guest room, not wanting to see him. but when a thunderstorm strikes, you find yourself back in your boyfriend’s arms.

word count: 500+

boyfriend drabbles masterlist!

You’re staring blankly at the light on the ceiling, its glare causing a strain in your eyes to slowly form.

Sighing as you wrap yourself tighter under the blanket, the sound of the rain pattering against the window of the guest room fills the air.

You know that the right way to resolve your argument with Jungkook wasn’t to hide in the guest room of his apartment, but rather to talk it out with him.

But you were way too emotionally unstable to even begin to talk to your boyfriend, afraid the moment he says something to you, that you would lose all control over your emotions.

The argument you had an hour ago replays in your mind, you’re overthinking and cursing at yourself for saying some things.

Maybe you shouldn’t have yelled at Jungkook. But to be fair he had raised his voice at you in frustration, which ticked you off at the point of time.

Both of you had been in the wrong, blaming each other for it when it was a huge misunderstanding. But both of you were equally too stubborn to apologise first.

You jolt and squeak in shock as a huge rumble of thunder rings through the air, you should have expected it considering the flash of lightning that came before that.

The light in the guest room gives way, causing the whole room to turn into a void of darkness.

You only hear Jungkook’s muffled gasp from outside the room, before you begin to hide under the blanket in petrifying fear.

It was a stupid fear you had, you weren’t even scared of horror movies, yet the darkness had brought out another side of you, making you vulnerable and scared, of not being able to see your surroundings.

Normally, you always had Jungkook to run to, your boyfriend who would oh-so-sweetly comfort you and embrace you in his hold, whispering sweet nothings into your ear.

But this time instead of running to you, Jungkook is hesitant, he’s standing outside the guest bedroom, unsure if he should step in to embrace you like he always does, or if you would push him away because of your unresolved conflicts.

Your boyfriend immediately cranks open the door knob the moment he hears a sob emit from inside the room, rushing over in the darkness, tripping over something on the floor.

He spots you curled up under the blankets in the darkness, but he can barely see from the lack of light in the house.

“Baby,” Jungkook hushes you as he guides you to sit in his lap, your face now buried in his chest as your tears soak his shirt.

He can feel your hands grip onto his shirt, as you sob, body shaking.

Given the chance to, you would’ve probably stayed mad at him, but you were so terrified being alone, in the darkness, not being able to see anything at all.

“Kook,” You sob as Jungkook shushes you, trying his best to comfort your crying self.

“Jagi, I’m right here, breathe for me yeah?” He’s whispering in your ear, tightening his hold on you.

Jungkook guides you to lay on the bed with him, as he let’s you cry into his chest.

“I’m sorry I yelled at you Gguk,” You hiccup between sobs, feeling terrible that Jungkook had put aside everything to come and console you even thought you had been screaming at him earlier.

“Baby, it’s okay,” He laughs, petting your head, “We’ll talk it out when you feel better ‘kay?”

You nod, snuggling deeper into his hold as your sobs turn into sniffles.

[wickjump]

I’M SO GLAD THAT I’VE FOUND SOMEONE THAT ENJOYS CREPIC. THEREFORE YOU ARE GETTING A HC.

I’ve recently seen a trope somewhere that if partner A has noticeable scars, partner B will kiss them as a small romantic or comforting gesture. Ever since I’ve seen this trope I have not stopped thinking about crepic. IT FITS SO WELL???

Like, obviously Epic has the scar on his eye. His magic eye has caused him years of suffering and awful nightmares. It’s been nothing more to him than a burden. And the scar is just another reminder that he can never let go of everything that’s been done to him. But whatever, he’s gotten over it. But imagine Epic going over to Cross’ house for a sleepover, and late at night the two are just lying in Cross’ bed talking about something stupid, when their conversation suddenly turns more personal. This slowly leads to Epic opening up about how much of a struggle it is to live with his eye. Of course, he doesn’t go too much into detail, since he was never really one to speak about his personal life.

And Cross can’t help but feel so guilty for his poor best friend after listening to him talk about how much pain he had to endure for so long. Epic keeps insisting that he’s fine and that it’s not a big deal, but Cross wants to give the person he cares about so much the desperate comfort he needs. One way leads to another and Cross ends up leaning over and kissing the scar on Epic’s eye while gently cupping his face or something. (bonus points if Cross also kisses the scars on Epic’s hands). AND EPIC WOULD PROB BE HOLDING BACK TEARS THE ENITRE TIME BUT WOUDL EVENTUALLY CRAKC CUZ SOMEONE ACTUALLY FINDS BEAUTY IN HIS INSECURITIES AND UHHUHGH.

I’m so ashamed that this became a huge rant when it didn’t need to be 🙏🙏 (But seriously I’m so starved of crepic that it’s becoming torturous. I need to be fed more fanfics bc there’s only 30 on ao3. Nsfw or not I need to be fed.)

WEEPING CRYING YES!!!!!!!!!! epic is so ignored in crepic fics mostly because people don’t bother to read his au’s comic (it’s… a long one… so i get it lmfao), and i might be one of those people though not because a lack of adoration for his canon but because cross is my favorite idiot and epic is hard to write. BUT!!!!!! I LIKE THIS A LOT.

scar kissing can go one of two ways, very very good, or very very bad. personally if anyone tried to kiss my scars they’d get clocked, but it depends for the character (and person). some people think it’s cringe worthy, other people think it’s sweet. EYE SCARS HOWEVER? OH HO HO. THOSE NEED TO BE KISSED RIGJT FUCKIJG NOW… ABSOLUTELY YES. epic’s whole eye ordeal like ruined his life and made him damn near suicidal. i haven’t read the side comics in a little while for epic but iirc when he’s killed he thinks something along the lines of ‘isnt this what ive been waiting for?’ or something? could be wrong idk i haven’t read it in a few months. but either way that eye, and that scar as a reminder, really fucked him up. and epic’s the kind of guy to gloss over that entirely. but cross is an overthinker at his core so when he catches wind of this it’s going to be on his mind forever probably.

i love. i love the idea that cross just holds epic’s face and kisses his scars. holy shit i love that so much. dear god. he absolutely should get to do that. cross cares sososo much about epic but epic never tells him anything!!! so when cross gets a whiff of his internal turmoil he is gonna DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!!! and epic is gonna FEEL EMOTIONS!!!!!!

I LOVE characters cupping someone’s face while kissing them while paying mind to their traumas and letting them know that you treasure them and and and combusts into a superbillion molecules

goddd this idea. /pos. AND YOURE SO REAL ABOUT THE FIC THING THEY SHOULD HAVE MORE FICS LIKE??? WHAT???!!!!! there’s barely any fics out there for them compared to so many other ships. every night i pray that i wake up and someone dropped a 200k+ word slow burn crepic ‘forbidden’ (because cross’ job and epic’s residence) romance best friends to lovers au fic. but those prayers always go unanswered. ive scoured the entire site for them, ive started going to WATTPAD, DAMNIT!!!!!!!!! bleh. i don’t even care about ratings or tags anymore as long as it’s consensual and legal im fine please give me more content with them 🙏

[supernovafics]

✧∘ଂ ࿐ ཾ 𝑳𝑬𝑻𝑻𝑬𝑹 𝑭𝑰𝑽𝑬. ✭・.・✫・゜・。.

pairing: ex-bestfriend!steve x fem!reader

word count: 543 words

warnings: explicit language

series masterlist | last part — next part

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

❝ 𝒄𝒉𝒆𝒎𝒊𝒔𝒕𝒓𝒚 '𝒕𝒊𝒍 𝒊𝒕 𝒃𝒍𝒐𝒘𝒔 𝒖𝒑, '𝒕𝒊𝒍 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆'𝒔 𝒏𝒐 𝒖𝒔. ❞

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

Dear Steve,

This may not make a ton of sense, but the hardest part about me realizing that our friendship was over was me finally accepting that fact. 

Because before I accepted it, there was still a small sliver of hope that lingered inside of me. 

Hope that we could be us again.  

Everyone says that breakups are hard but I honestly think that friendship breakups are harder. Because we were such big parts of each other’s lives that going from that to nothing was so weird and felt so wrong too.

I want you to know, though, that you were never “nothing” to me. You were (and still are) always something. Even if it’s now just a person from my past. 

Although we never talked, I found myself thinking and wondering about you so often, especially after your dad’s party. Since that night was when I knew things were over for good, for some reason, my mind couldn’t help but find you in the most random of things and circle back to you at the most random of times. 

I actually had to fight the urge to call you so many times, and instead, I would just ask my mom how you were doing since she still always talked to yours. 

I still wanted to know everything that was happening with you, even though I didn’t have the courage to hear it straight from you. 

Somehow, also through my mom, I heard about all of the weird shit that was happening in Hawkins. Like, the random mall fire that happened last year. And also now this insane earthquake that just happened, which was actually all over the news too. 

When I saw that, and after staring at the television in shock for a solid ten minutes, I dialed your number five times before hanging up each time before it even began ringing. And, instead, I called my mom. (and then proceeded to happily cry when she told me that you and your parents were okay)

A part of me kept telling myself that I didn’t deserve to reach out to you because of how badly I fucked things up between us, but then the other part of me told me that I was overthinking things too much and that maybe you actually would want to hear from me. But, I was still too much of a coward to call you. 

Which is another reason why I’m writing you these letters, instead of calling you right now. 

Because hearing about that earthquake finally put everything into perspective for me. Even though we aren’t in each other’s lives anymore, the thought of you truly being gone, of truly losing you for good, hurt me so fucking bad. And then the thought of losing you and knowing that the last words I spoke to you were during a conversation that was horrifically awkward only hurt so much more. 

However, it still doesn’t feel right to call you without finally addressing and having closure from everything else that happened. And maybe that sounds stupid, but for some reason, my mind can’t let me move forward without first looking backward. Does that make sense? (probably not)

Anyway, I know you’re okay though, which is all that matters. 

Sincerely, 

Y/N

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

next part

[junhanndee]

on stage. goo gunil

~ warnings : smut, angst (with good ending), y/n is afab, mentions of y/n being insecure, impreg, and fluff (pls lmk if i missed anything!)

(this is my first fic pls bear with me there might be some spelling errors or maybe choppy writing but LOL with time, i’ll get there!!)

- dating an idol is never easy. from the fanservice to the crazed fans, it was a hard thing to balance. nothing had ever really set you off until gunil decided it would be a great idea to let a fan come and play the drums during a fan meet.

you sat there, watching as the fan came on stage. her perfect hair, her perfect face, even the perfectly ironed clothing she had on. the first thought you wanted to have was , ‘oh ! this is nice! this will probably make her day’ until gunil signals for her to play on his drums.

it wasn’t until she started playing a little too well that you began to feel that feeling of annoyance and jealousy run over you. all you could see is memories of you two tied to that drum set. in that moment, seeing somebody else playing on his drums seemed almost like something was being shared that was special to you.

as she steps off the stage you can’t help but let all of your insecurities take over the best of you.

the show finally comes to an end and the lucky fan made her way home. she was probably giggling and telling all their friends about ‘how gunil admired her playing the drums’ or whatever little fantasy she was living in. quite frankly you didn’t care or, didn’t want to care.

when you hear the boys begin their way down the hall to the dressing room you fill with even much more annoyance and even sadness that it’s everything in you to not just run out crying like the child you wanted to be.

walking through the door, nothing could have made you any more upset until gunil doesn’t even say hello.

“did you see how good she was at the drums? i mean, wow she could have even replaced me” gunil says while laughing as the other members try to nod and agree but they can’t help to notice the cloud brewing over your head.

as your mind continued to wander and gunil went on and on you began to mumble under your breath.

“yeah” you said with a huff “i bet she just plays soooo fucking good” you said

“woah y/n…… what’s up with you?” jooyeon said sitting down next to you. he meant it lightheartedly, but you couldn’t help the anger that began to take over you.

“well maybe since somebody plays the drums so well you should go give her a little drum lesson just like you do with me!” you said with tears beginning to fall down your red cheeks.

“y/n what’s wrong…..? It was nothing like-“ gunil begins to say but you cut him off.

“i’m going home.” you said in a stern tone.

after grabbing your belongings while hearing a couple of ‘y/n he didn’t mean it like that!’ or ‘y/n it’s okay don’t worry!’ from gaon you made your way towards the door. the members went silent and you slammed the dressing room door shut. you were so pissed that you didn’t even hear a snarky gaon say “you fucked up hyung…” and quite frankly you’re glad you didn’t.

the uber you called to go home was painfully silent and almost felt like the first day of winter. so out of place and cold after all the warmth the past had brought you.

so many thoughts were just eating at you and your overthinking brain.

once you arrive back to the dorms the only thing you wanted to do was to lay down and try to sleep whatever rage was still left in you. that didn’t last for about 10 minutes once you heard the door open.

seemingly enough, it was quiet. the boys had went to eat and gunil was the only one who thought it would be best to come home.

you hear the bedroom door open hoping and praying that he wouldn’t hear your sniffles from something stupid, really.

“y/n, why are you crying?” Gunil says as he sits down next to you on the bed. His voice being laced with concern.

“i don’t wanna talk.” you said as your voice cracked.

in all honesty you wanted nothing but this insecurity and loneliness to go away. in that moment, he was the only person that could fix that.

“look, I don’t understand why you’re so upset? It was nothing but fanservice and you know that’s how things are my love!” gunil said while trying to hide the frustration in his voice.

to him, no matter who he met or saw, you were always the most beautiful person he’s ever seen. gunil swears you are an angel and reminds you that every single day. every single morning he wants nothing but to wake up next to you and see you in every moment. even moments like these.

after all those thoughts cross his mind he grabs your shoulders and turns you around to see your tear stained face and can’t help but almost be annoyed that you could cry over something like this.

you know that he loves you and only you but sometimes, you let it get the best of you.

“you know i love you more than anybody right y/n? do I need to remind you who I belong to?” he says with almost a desperate tone. desperate to get those tears off of your face and see nothing but you smile.

with that, his actions speak louder than his words at the point when he rips his hoodie off of you and begins slowly, but surely, leaving marks all over your neck and onto your chest.

“just love you so much” he mumbles into your neck as his hand slides down to your underwear.

a choked moan was all you could get out as so much stress and tension began to leave your body.

gunil made it his number one mission to look into your eyes and tell you how much he loves you through the skill of his fingers. the slow drags of his fingers on your clit and his lips on yours was almost like heaven.

two orgasms and many many hickies later you suddenly felt the weight shift as gunil made his way down your body.

“gonna make my baby feel so good, isn’t that right? all mine.” he mutters as his slides your underwear off of you and tosses them somewhere in the room.

nothing could ever compare to this feeling. gunils pink plump lips wrapped around your clit with the thrusts of his fingers sending you to a new high.

“gonna cum please please gun-“

“cum for me love please” he says with a whine and an increase of speed with his fingers inside of you.

as you cum, your brain goes blank. All you see is gunil in between your legs and his insanely fucked out face.

he comes back up to your face to give you a long kiss as you taste yourself on him.

“can you… please? Inside me?” You said not being able to form a coherent sentence.

he chuckles and pulls his boxers down allowing his ridiculously hard cock to spring onto his stomach at his v line. that was a sight if anything.

“ready my love?” he says and after some frantic nods he finally slides in.

nothing compares to the first time you feel him entering you, slow but warm.

as time passes you’ve reached your fourth orgasm and you can tell he’s at the brink of cumming.

“love I think i’m gonna-“ he begins to say but before he can say another word you lock your legs around his waist in hopes he would fill you full. make you feel like his even more.

“do you want me to? inside?” he grunts out.

“please, need you” you mutter nearing your fifth orgasm of the night.

one small whimper and a snap of his hips and he’s filling you fuller than you’ve ever been before.

as he pulls out and watches the cum drip from your pussy, he sighs. almost a moan but more of a love hmm than anything.

“i love you so much y/n, you know that right” he says while laying behind you, bringing you closer to him.

“hmm idk….. I think you might need to show me more…” you say while giggling

“you’re gonna be the death of me my love” he says while turning you back around to face him.

you knew he was yours and you were his, it just took him showing you for you to truly understand.

[cittielinks]

Yoo Joonghyuk has been eyeing his ex-wife’s cute assistant for a while now. Don’t get him wrong he is not cheating, they broke off like normal people both fell out of love thus they decided to get divorced. In fact his ex knew about his growing infatuation with the man and is very supportive! ( she had warned him constantly that Yoo Joonghyuk ever made Kim Dokja cry she will make sure Yoo Joonghyuk will rot in hell but that’s a story for another time). It’s just that Kim Dokja still knew him as his boss’ husband which is frustrating because he knew Kim Dokja liked him too but was too scared of ruining their relationship. 

When he did try to talk to Kim Dokja and give him presents, Yoo Joonghyuk would become a coward! He couldn’t even speak right and would always ended up in a very awkward bubble. Like now, 

“Good morning, Mr. Yoo! Are you looking for Dr. Lee?”

Kim Dokja greeted cheerfully, tilting his head ever so slightly. 

Yoo Joonghyuk gulped, really he can’t talk properly when he is faced with such an ethereal human as Kim Dokja!

Yoo Joonghyuk gulped and opened his mouth. 

“I uhhh” I’m here for you— “waiting for Seolhwa, I’ll wait for you in the office”

Stupid stupid. Forever a coward, Yoo Joonghyuk. 

Kim Dokja’s eyes flickered into something then smiled albeit not as bright as before. Kim Dokja lead him to Lee Seolhwa’s office and left him to get him something to drink.

When he is finally alone, he clenched his fist. Another attempt failed.

Maybe if he wasn’t a coward, he could’ve kissed Kim Dokja senselessly but alas, fate isn’t as imaginative as Yoo Joonghyuk is. 

He sighed, when the door opened again Yoo Joonghyuk corrected his posture but then another assistant place the coffee, he frowned. Kim Dokja must be busy he thought, he waved the assistant to leave him alone and drinks his coffee at the lonely room.

Kim Dokja knows it’s wrong to like someone else’s husband! He knows this but even then he couldn’t stop his certain feeling towards Dr. Lee’s husband. Joonghyuk-ssi is so cool, so handsome and so kind ( to him!) he would always hear Dr. Lee mention Yoo Joonghyuk whenever she can ( she’s trying to set them up for awhile now but they are both cowards ), and sometimes Kim Dokja wished he was the one who married Yoo Joonghyuk instead but he wasn’t so here they are. Han Sooyoung told him that he should just confess to Yoo Joonghyuk and dip if it all goes wrong but he knows he couldn’t so he opted to look at Yoo Joonghyuk from afar.

When Lee Seolhwa returned, she saw Yoo Joonghyuk sulking holding yet another boquet he probably wanted to give to Kim Dokja but was too much of a coward. She sighed, already feeling a headache.

“You really should just go and confess to him.” She started, sitting parallel to this pathetic man, she always wondered why she married him if he was this pathetic and cowardly over a big fat crush.

“You know I can’t! He will overthink things and would feel bad for you and me.” 

Idiots, both of them are idiots. She could clearly see that these two are so inlove that they would start making out if given the chance.

“If you won’t do it then I will.” She muttered.  She took the sorry excuse of a bouquet and dragged Yoo Joonghyuk’s ass to the reception. She greeted, Kim Dokja who has arranged the files. 

“Dokja-yah, Here this is for you. From this idiot over there.”

he said, smiling at her assistant fondly, handing him the flowers. 

Kim Dokja looked at both of them, a pink flush spreading all over his face and he stuttered. 

“I-I can’t take this m-maam! This is meant for you!” He stumbles his words as he tries to return them to Lee Seolhwa. Lee Seolhwa shook her head and pushed Yoo Joonghyuk in front of Kim Dokja then she retreated elsewhere. 

Yoo Joonghyuk bit his lips and decided to just go for it. 

“It’s indeed for you, Kim Dokja. Please take it.” 

“But? I can’t have this! I really can’t, Mr. Yoo!” Kim Dokja said hurriedly.

He can’t ruin relationships like this! Dr. Lee has nothing but kind to him, he shouldn’— 

“Seolhwa and I are already divorced. For a long time now. The only reason why I still visit here is to see you.” Yoo Joonghyuk said slowly making sure Kim Dokja gets every last bit of information.

“If you could have me, Can I take you out on a date today?” He added, trying to look cool as his hands sweat.

“I—“ Kim Dokja struggled to find words. Yoo Joonghyuk chuckled, holding his hand and pressing his lips against the palm of Kim Dokja’s hands. 

“Please?” Kim Dokja could only nod. 

Later that night, they talked and talked. A big W for these cowards. Lee Seolhwa finally gets to rest easy.

[ramblingsofafanatic]

Highway Don't Care

Summary: They fight, Jim gets in a car accident, McCoy worries as Jim's in critical condition, but everything turns out okay in the end.

Word Count: 880

Relationships: Leonard McCoy/James T. Kirk

Warnings: Car accident, hospitals

Can also be read on AO3 here!

McCoy doesn't even flinch as the door slams shut. He sinks onto his bed, holding his face in his hands as he calms down. They fought, actually fought, not just their usual banter and bickering. After a couple minutes go scrubs his hands over his face before getting up to grab a drink from their secret stash. He drinks and overthinks things as he usually does, waiting for Jim to return after he’s calmed down as well. ‘If he comes back’ His brain helpfully supplies. Leonard shakes the thoughts away and gets up from the chair going to lay on his bed and try and sleep instead. It isn’t until he’s almost actually asleep that his comm goes.

“Typical.” He mutters as he flips it open, “Hello?” He answers.

“McCoy?” Chapels voice rings out from the device.

“Christine? I’m honestly not in the mood for a chat right now.” McCoy replies.

“This isn’t a friendly chat McCoy, i’m on shift.” Chapel replies, this gets McCoy’s attention.

“What happened?’ He asks, sitting up.

“It’s Jim, he’s-”

“I’ll be right there” And McCoy hangs up, muttering about the stupid kid who probably got way too drunk and into another stupid fight. He arrives at Medical and makes his way straight to Christine.

“Where is he?” He asks.

“He’s in surgery.” Chapel replies, looking at McCoy with sad eyes.

“What?” McCoy’s voice cracks.

“A car hit him as he was on his motorcycle, he’s in critical condition.” Chapel explains softly, resting her hand on McCoy’s shoulder. McCoy brings his hand up and runs it over his face and through his hair.

“Chances... chances of recovery.” McCoy asks, and Chapel saddens.

“Very low, I’m sorry Leonard.” Chapel says.

“Not your fault, it’s mine.” McCoy says, going to slump down in one of the chairs in the waiting room, knowing he won’t be able to see Jim until he’s out of surgery.

“If it makes you feel better M'Benga is the one doing the surgery.” Chapel says, sitting next to him. McCoy smiles at her, though it doesn’t reach his eyes because yeah it does make him feel better that it's at least one of the competent doctor’s here doing the surgery, but it’s still his fault that Jim’s in surgery at all.

“Why did we have to fight?” McCoy mumbles hanging his head.

“All couples fight, it happens.” Chapel replies, rubbing McCoy’s back soothingly.

“Yeah, but we never did, at least not this serious, and look where it got him Chris.” McCoy says, voice weak as he tries not to cry, he’s stronger than that dammit.

“If I know Jim, he’ll pull through.” Chapel reassures, patting McCoy’s back before returning to her post at the Nurses station.

~~~

It’s a really long before McCoy hears anything and he’s ended up asleep in the chair. It’s M’Benga that comes out to talk to him this time, shaking McCoy’s shoulder gently. McCoy startles and shoots up.

“Woah there, no need for more injuries.” M’Benga says putting his hand on McCoy’s shoulder to assure he doesn’t fall out of the chair.

“How is he?” McCoy asks, looking at M’Benga hopefully.

“Hello to you too, he’s alive, he’s in pretty rough shape but he should make a full recovery in due time.” M’Benga answers. McCoy sighs in relief, rubbing his hand on his face as he finally relaxes after so long.

“When can i see him?” Leonard asks.

“Well now i guess, but he’s asleep.” M’Benga answers, McCoy nods and gets up following the other Doctor to where Jim is. ‘Rough shape indeed’ McCoy thinks solemnly as he sits in a chair next to Jim’s bed, he’s covered in small cuts, bruises and bigger cuts covered gauze. M’Benga takes his leave to allow McCoy to be alone with Jim.

“Dammit Jim, why’d we have to fight over something so stupid.” McCoy says laying his head down on the bed.

“Because we’re both stubborn idiots.” Jim replies.

“Ah, so you’re awake.” McCoy says moving his head up to look at Jim.

“Yeah, guess I am.” Kirk replies, trying to smile but can’t because he doesn’t want to open the cut on his lip.

“I’m sorry” McCoy says.

“I’m sorry too, though you’ll have to remind me why i’m sorry because i honestly don’t remember what started the fight.” Jim replies. “I’m kidding! I have all my memories! It’s just that the reason we fought was stupid.” Jim continues when McCoy looked scared at jim having possible memory loss. He went to put his hands up in defense but quickly stopped when there was a lot of pain suddenly.

“Don’t move, you’ll hurt yourself more, and yeah, it was a stupid thing... Glad you’re alive to say that” McCoy says.

“Aw Bones, don’t go all soft on me, anyways do you really think you’d get rid of me that easily?” Jim says.

“Maybe next time you’re in surgery i can ask M’Benga to remove your vocal chords.” McCoy jokes.

“But then how will I tell you how much I love you?” Jim says.

“Now who’s going soft, and i can think of a couple ways you can tell me without speaking.” McCoy replies.

“Bones! That’s dirty” Jim says.

“Get over yourself kid.” McCoy says, rolling his eyes, glad that Jim’s okay.

[etceteira]

06 28 2024

almost 3 weeks since the breakup.

first two weeks, i’m in denial. and when realization hits me, sadness overflows and takes over me.

i’ve cried my little heart out too much. i’ve cried a lot that i couldn’t bring myself to tears now.

i lost weight - i couldn’t eat much due to sadness. body clock has been more of a mess lately. i couldn’t go back to some activities and it’s all because of you.

as stupid as this sounds, i couldn’t get myself to eat something spicy. i couldn’t get myself to eat that particular dish we prepare whenever you come over. i couldn’t get myself to play games on a certain device.

heck. i couldn’t even get myself to listen to a certain group because of you.

and now, i’m still not okay.

i’m fueled by anger. i’ve realized a ton of things - after overthinking the breakup, the conversation, and the past issues.

i feel used. i feel disgusted with myself.

i am disgusted with you.

i feel like i’ve been invalidated most times.

i feel like i’ve been manipulated and gaslighted whenever i voice out my feelings/thoughts about us or a certain situation.

every time i open up about my feelings about a certain situation, it gets discarded because of the reasons you give me.

and you. never. listened. to. me.

you left me when i needed you.

i’ve been so burnt out lately. even before we broke up. so exhausted that i feel like crying all the time but i can’t.

you didn’t help me.

i remember opening up about me breaking down, a day before we went out. i remember breaking down in the shower, crying my heart out so bad but you didn’t notice that. you were too busy with your shoes.

i am happy for you. i’m very happy and proud of you.

but you didn’t really hear me out and asked me about what’s wrong with me.

i was fighting sadness and trying my best to not cry that day. but i was happy because i was with you.

^ basically same situation as the day before we had a fight, before breakup.

and this time… you said i ruined your day? after giving you all the damn attention, listening to all your stories and taking all those stupid crumbs and believing that you still love me.

i hate how you blamed me for everything.

you are also the reason. don’t blame me for everything.

keep in mind,

you’re the one who broke up with me years ago.

and you’re the one who came back and asked to be together again.

AND.

You. pressured. me.

I told you to wait. but you picked fights and told me shit.

you did not care about my feelings back then. you only cared about yourself.

and now, you’re probably making everyone believe that i’m the toxic one.

you’re basically subtweeting shit about the relationship between us.

you’ve reached out a few times and gave me even more mixed signals.

what the fuck was that, mr. Mature and Perfect guy?

i don’t really cuss people but damn. fuck you.

you don’t deserve me. you don’t deserve my love.

[6lost6but6trying]

April 7 1:53am

Im here sitting in front of my tv after a gaming session with my best friend…

Wishing u were playing with us

I miss ur voice

I miss u giving us heads up and knowing where they are

I don’t know how you know but you do in detail which amazes me

If sitting here in front of my tv about to cry myself to sleep

Because I feel like I got nothing figured out

My relationship I have is feeling like it’s turning bad

But besides that I just feel useless

Like I’m not anywhere I wanna be yet

No goal

Nothing

Just here

Alive

When I don’t wanna be

I wanna cry myself to sleep

But I don’t wanna cry myself to sleep…

I don’t know

Im just really tired

Im overthinking so many stuff and as I hear my thought telling me I’m useless and i will never reach whatever goal I may have or a better future

I found myself just remembering the time I laid with u with my head on ur shoulder so close to your chest telling u that I’m nowhere financially stable and feel useless and I shut me up as u play with my hand that I had up and gently point to the middle of my palm tapping it gently telling me “ you will catch up to her financially, u will have money, you’re not useless, you’re somebody, you will make it, I believe in you”

Your words still run through my dull brain and it’s making me miss u more

I know if this ends,

You May or may not take me back in as a friend and I’ll respect either choice…

I just know I probably won’t be over you even tho I haven’t seen u in a while…

Haven’t heard that voice in a while…

I found myself the other day hearing ur voice saying “ look you little shit” and I smiled…

I was at work and he asked me why I was smiling and I just told him I remembered something funny that’s all

It’s not something funny

It’s something I like u calling me

I find it cute I don’t know why…

Im still so sorry all this happened this way

I just feel like I’m now being pushed against a corner of a wall and I want to be killed….

Don’t get mad at me

I thought about it again but then remembered that I promised you I wouldn’t do it…

I didn’t

But I did hurt my leg physically

It may be bruised in the morning, I have no idea but I got some sort of high which made me take deep breath and wanted to keep doing it til my thigh purple…

I stopped…

But please don’t get mad…

I turned to alcohol

I drank a little bottle I had then I created a ice tea drink and put the last bit of alcohol mix into my drink

I was feeling a buzz as I played my game

I told him I didn’t wanna video and just play

I didn’t want my best friend knowing I wasn’t ok

I did squats and spins in my room to feel a buzz and it somehow worked…

Im not ok.

Just glad there wasn’t anymore alcohol

All I want rn if to have things calm…

I just still catch myself missing you when I shouldn’t be

Im with her, I do love her but what does it say when I do love her and don’t wanna lose her but the more we fight the more im craving YOU …. You’re so close to me that I can walk to you…. C

I can drive 3 min just to see you…

With her it’s 10 mins by car…

That’s more than a 40 min walk….

I asked god so Many years ago when I came out to give me a gf so close to me….

He gave me you two…

At the same time…

I met you both in July 2022

Im so mad at god for doing this…

Im not even religious anymore but a part of me is still kinda religious….

I begged him for a person close to me and gave me you both…

Obviously you’ve always been the first choice….

I just choose her

And you already know why…

But then I question if I made the right choice or if I should’ve stayed friends with u and see where that could’ve gone before I did anything with her and kept her as a friend…

It’s all stupid and I wish I had a manual but that’s impossible….

When I find myself depressed I still think of me laying with u and I feel safe…

I know if I got to know u way more…

I could’ve loved you

Yes I was “ in love” but like as in “crushing hard on you” where my tummy gave me butterflies everything im around u….

I just wanna be in your arms again….

I even miss your natural scent I don’t know what it is but it’s YOU

You see right through me when I’m hugging you and I miss you not letting go til I do…

This sucks… I’m sorry

I hope I do see you again…. And everything isn’t so hectic …

[love-advice-on-call]

hi, I just did something very stupid and I don’t know what to do. I told my partner I think I loved them, and they didn’t say it back. I know this isn’t the worst thing in the world, but I feel HORRIBLE! I didn’t even mean to say it, it just finally slipped. I apologized profusely afterwards, because I didn’t know what to do after. They said I didn’t need to apologize, I felt so embarrassed, I couldn’t look them in the eye. This is my first real relationship, (not theirs, they have more experience with this stuff) we are both still in Highschool. And I’m so afraid I’ve ruined everything. I don’t think I did? Ok we made out afterwards (sorry tmi) but I still feel weird. I’m afraid that this might be the tipping point. But also, we’ve had no trouble before so it wouldn’t make sense that they would break up with me over this. But also I am asexual and they are not and I’m uncomfortable performing any kind of sexual act besides kissing which this doesn’t really have to do with anything but I feel bad for that as well and I just feel like a nonhuman mess because I don’t have sexual urges LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING and it’s stupid stupid But I’m an overthinking mess and take everything too seriously and I’m afraid because not only are they my partner but a good friend of almost 3 years and I don’t know I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO :( this is dumb dumb silly dumb but I’m crying and hyperventilating over it (once you answer this I probably won’t be so do abt that :P) I wear my heart on my sleeve and tend to blow small things out of proportion, am I doing that? Or am I an overbearing person that needs to not be so insane? I really really really care about them and UGHFJFB WHY DO I HAVE TO BE AN OVERBEARING MESS??? anywho it’s late I’m going to cry out of embarrassment to sleep

Yeah you don't need to apologize, the best way to get through this is to keep going. The more you make a fuss over this and the more you worry about it, the more it will affect your relationship. Saying "I love you" to your partner and them not saying it back just lets them know that you love them and they know what level you are at. It is great they know, but you don't have to read too much into it and just because they didn't say it back doesn't mean they feel any type of negative about you or what you said.

If you want this to blow over, then you just need to calm down about this. These types of things happen and it's not the end of the world.

[predatoryminds]

Chapter one - Dull office makes for dumb days! I watched shapes fly by in a blur outside the car window, music blocking out everyone and everything. My headphones sat tight over my ears, tangled in amongst my wavy length. As irritating as it was, I put up with it. Every movement I made, a hair would get caught and I’d feel a sharp tug at my scalp, but I just ignored it. I could feel Father’s gaze turn back to me every few minutes, dark blue eyes trying to figure me out, wanting to know what I was thinking, what I was feeling. Subtly, I pushed my round glasses up and kept quiet, not going to feel obliged to respond to these desperate attempts of futile bonding, it wasn’t worth the hassle. It never was. Just focus on something else, anything else. That was what I told myself, and that was what I would stick with. Mother, on the other hand, was too occupied with the road ahead to bother with an attempt at conversation. I was thankful for this, if they both had been on my case, then I would have been doomed. As sweet and innocent as she seemed, the woman was pretty damn persuasive. Keep on acting as if I don't know, The thought left a bitter taste in my mouth. Should I be offended you think I'm so stupid, or be 'grateful' since we haven't had the 'Divorce' talk yet... Pretending everything was alright was stressful for all parties involved, besides, as a government official's child, appearances obviously had to be kept up. Scrolling through my phone, I smiled at the pictures from the party I had DJ'd the other night, not that anyone knew it was me under the helmet. I could feel fathers gaze continuously turn back to me every few seconds, He wasn't subtle, bluntness and making things clear was both his biggest strength, and yet also his biggest flaw. I kept quiet, focusing on my phone, on the music, on something else, anything else. But either way, I was drawn back to my awkward and hurtful reality. When green orbs met blue, Father turned away, bearing the same burden known as awkwardness. That was one of the few things we had in common. We both were rather uncomfortable people. Father looked out his window, thoughts crinkling his face almost to the point of a scowl. Huffing, he placed his hand turned over next-to mother's. It was a desperate attempt to apear calm and 'happy'. Mother let out a humm of surprise, but then smiled, enterwining her fingers with his. She pulled off a cheerful and egar look better than my dear old dad did, yet there was always some sort of telltale sign I could find in the image. This time, gazing just beyond her seat, I could see her hand on the wheel slightly grip. I didn't like feeling anger, and frusteration, but the more they delayed telling me that they wanted to split up, the more I wanted to throw things, throw a tantrum, cry, scream. Anythign to show them how it effected everyone in our house. They might not think it, but for me, they both were easy to read. It was so obvious to tell the mood they were in. The little habits they had, like Mother tended to clean when she was stressed, and Father baked when he was anxious and needed to relax, and he brushed his hair back alot when he overthinks. That's probably why his hair was so greasy. Stop trying so hard, Rolling my eyes, I chewed the inside of my cheek to at least try to calm down my stomach. I know you're forcing it... My parent's were obsessed with public image, or rather to seem togeather. They wern't even close to being the happy family people thought we were. They argued, threatened divorce and worse, as if i'd turned deaf, like I couldn't hear them. It happened almost everyday, and made the atmosphere so incredibly uncomfortable. It was painful to watch, even just hearing it put a strain on my already fragile heart. But, i'm used to this, they've been doing this for almost two years now. I kind of felt guilty, like it was my fault. I mean, why else would they stay togeather if they hate eachother so much, if not to taking care of me? They must feel guilty, so it's to the point they go through a whole grin and bear it routine. Well, it's that, or they did it for their job. I mean, if someone can't keep their marrage togeather, how could they hold such an important government job's? After driving for what felt like hours, we finally entered the cage of a forest, making our way to what I called ' The safe hold.' The New Hampshire Divisional Covert Facillity, or, if you prefer're lazy, the N.H.D.C.F. It was really out the way of any people, off the grid, deep within the thick dense forest to a far off clearing. I had wondered many a time how my parents even had landed this job, but I never asked. I never expected a reply. I had no clue what they actually did in their 'very important job's' but whatever it was, it was extremely top secret, or something like that. After a excrutiatingly long bumpy drive through the rather unstable road, I tried to surpress the strange chill coursing through my body, and the feeling my heart had taken a trip to my throat. Unease washed over me, and I had the strangest feeling something was wrong. Oh so very wrong. Pulling my red and black flannel shirt closer to my body, I focused on my breathing as we pulled up to the gate. It's ok, Bridget, everything is fine, I reassured myself, wondering what this sense of dread was. It's probably just the atmosphere in the car! Perking up, I watched the road ahead, pausing my music. I had been here before, but it wasn't too often I came with my family to the facillity. Usually I would be at school, or when they travelled overseas, i'd go with them (Which happened alot). They did tend to work most weekends, not that they complained, if anything, they both were rather passionate about their jobs. But on weekends, i'd stay home, so I couldn't understand why today was different. The only conclusion that my already strained mind could comprehend, was that it must be 'the day'. The day they finally talk to me, and tell me 'We are getting a divorce'. My thoughts only could line up to that, maybe it was because I constantly was preparing myself for the conversation. I mean we'd be in a professional enviroment, i'd have to be just that, professional. No way could I have a tantrum, or cry out here. But then and again, whenever I came here, they'd send me to another room to wait while they did work. And today was going to be a special day, since I wouldn't be alone. Some of our interational representatives would be visiting with some of their kids, so i'd have them for company. Oooh, they want to socialize me, and that way by being around others, I still can't cry! Very clever, I narrowed my eyes, swallowing a whimper as I felt tears pricking my eyes. My overthinking was getting the better of me. I didn't notice we had pulled up to the front security box as I buised myself with wiping away tears, hiding my look of dispair. Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry, just breath, I repeated the mantra, avoiding the obvious gaze of a curious old man sitting in his booth. "Afternoon, Henry" "Afternoon, Ma'am, Sir" Something about the crickity old man always set me off into a spiral of bad vibes. He made me rather uncomfortable, and he always stared so intently at me, like he was expecting something. As we pulled up to the car park, I could just feel the sentence coming as I slipped out of the car hastily. "You--" "Need to stay in the room, follow the rules, etc. etc, we've been through this, I got it" I muttered curtly, abnormally harsh. Despite my tone not being appreciated, Father nodded. "Let's go, team!" Mother cheered, almost skipping as we walked into the building. The overpowering smell of Cleanex  stung my nose as I scrunched up my face. As always, the N.H.D.C.F was impossibly ugly. Mismatched colors, and dieing plants. It was rather warm as well, and it blasted you in the face when you entered the building. It was never appreciated and the heat carried all sorts of smells that made you feel delirious. I hated it, I mean, how could anyone work in such an enviroment?! The Michaels trio were uniform, falling into the usual line. Mother in the lead, head high, chest puffed out as she walked with a cheery confidence. People tended to double take when they saw her in the facillity. She had soft youthful features, and a childish quallity to her. She was full of life and playful, yet set and determined, always fixated on the task ahead. She had persistance on her side, and could get anything acomplished if she tried. Father followed percisely 4 steps behind her, standing up straight, shoulders taught, gaze clouded with a dilligant seriousness and a whole universe worth of crunching numbers flowing from his mind. Almost everything the tall man did was maticulously planned out, he was set in his ways, and had a no nonsence attitude. And then there was me, meekly taking the rear of the line, lagging almost 12 stes behind, spine curved reflexively forward, nose glued to my phone as I tugged my headphones around my neck. I was a teenager, was what most would think, but it was actually a form of coping with the stress of meeting expectations. If I engaged or looked like I wanted to interact with others, I'd have to be all 'Adult-y'. I hated that, and the staff members of this place always asked the most awkward questions. Quickly pressing a tight hug to my mother and a mild bow to my father, we headed off our seperate ways. When I was finally alone, I let out a groan at the secenery around me. The halls stunk of a mixture of unsavoury air freshners, markers and cleaning products and the colors were so dull and bland. My sneakers squeaked relentlessly on the sticky marble floors. "I guess this is the place where all creativity comes to die" I murmered to myself, mildly amused. I always had some form of witty critisism about this place. It wouldn't be the same without a snarky remark about how utterly dead and ugly this place was. The dull grey and blues made me want to be sick, being the visually driven person I was. "If only they'd let me fix this place up" Breathing a sigh, I chuckled to myself, flicking through a few of my Pinterest boards, ideas flowing through my mind. It made me miss my room. Shutting off my phone, I stopped in front of a door. It muffled cries of anguish and mockery, despite being 'Sound-proof'. An familier and rather high pitched 'SHUT-UP!' could be heard, illicting a grimace and the tightening of my shoulders as I prepared for a head-ache. Flinching at the impact of cold steel in my palm, I pulled the door open wide. Warmth and sunlight hit me in waves of jubilation, and my world exploded with color. Red velvet furniture, couches, purples, black and white walls, colored glass panes. Everything looked and felt so inviting, I was in awe. This place had look so distasteful and honestly kind of tacky the last time I had been here, they must have done some serious renevations since then. The first thing you saw when you walked in was a huge, clear window spanning from the floor to the roof that had to be at least 3 meters long and 4 meters tall. We were on the 5th floor, so you had a beautiful view of the forest-scape and a far away lake, all set up with a rosy sun shining in the background. A boy sunken in a giant purple beanbag sat by his lonesome infront of the window, facing away from me. Shifting from foot to foot nervously, I noticed he was reading a thick book on Quantum Mechanics and Physics. Despite soaking up the rays, he wore very formal, and layered clothing. Long black trench coat, high waisted triple button jeans, a tucked in white button up, and a setesdalsgenser lay seated beside him. His pale skin gave off the illusion that he was glowing in the sun. Shifting my gaze, I turned to an argumentative pair, the girl in which being the voice I heard before. Without a door muffling her, she made me want to cover my ears, her voice echoing across the room and into the depths of the hall. She was a petite girl, thin, with almost a doll-like regal quallity to her, though she was shorter by several inches. She had a childish quallity to her, and yet a mature look as she clenched her fists, poking her tongue at her counterpart, who leant against the kitchen counter, grinning lazily, "Am I bothering you, Mulan?~" I hesitated, edging forward, then backwards. What should I do? "Could you two please act more civilized, in case you hadn't noticed, there is someone at the door" The beanbag boy's voice was sharp, yet dancing with the notes of a usually gentle forgien tone. His please was laced with poision, and he acted as if his 'civilized' mannerisms were met by ailens. To him, he was talking to the unruly wildlife and the seemingly illiterate. Or at least that was I read in the glint in his eyes. "The door?" The girl repeated with a naïve innocence radiating as she tilted her head. "You know, that peice of wood with metal sticking out of it that you had to open to get in this very room" Beanbag-boy mutterred sarcastically. A chuckle on the couch allerted me to the figure lounging on the red velvet couch. "Easy now, she is just distracted by her 'best friend' " A gorgous tan figure lounging on the couch piped up, stiffling a yawn. He had a genuine smile written all over him and a relaxed, calm manner. In the sun, his eyes glowed, beconing me forward. Taking a few more hesitant steps, I edged closer into the room. Beanbag boy scoffed quietly, dark blue eyes flicking back to me briefly, yet he never turned around, muttering a string of incoherent sentences into his book. "..." Swallowing, I looked to the ground for comfort, feeling a tad unwellcome. "Sorry about him, he's a little intense " The boy on the couch ran his fingers sleepily through his hair, standing up good mannerdly. I didn't even have a chance to respond as I was tackled in a hug, "BRIDGETTTTTTT" Glaring, Beanbag boy had somehow gotten up without our realization, and kicked the door shut illicting a yelp out of me and my petite friend. He stalked back to his seat, muttering something along the lines of, 'Raised in a barn, I swear' "H-Heya Jai--" The smaller girl nuzzled into my shoulder affectionatly, giggling like a mad woman. Long, gorgous brown- black hair loosely tied back with thin red, blue and black silk ribbons rubbed against my skin, frizzing up from the casual display of affection. Bound in tight, yet beautiful traditional chinese clothing, her posture was rather tense and unaturally straight. "You know 'Her Highness'?" The Russian with whom she had previously been arguing with loomed over us, curiously bright. Mainly it was because of his large build, but I couldn't help but shrink down. It was hard to describe the feeling, but he at the same time, was and wasn't intimadating. "She's my bestfriend!" "Heyyyy, I thought I was your best friend" "In your dreams!" "You dream about me?~" "Shut up!" "Very persuasive argument" "I said shut up" "Wow, your vocabulary of insults is just  soo fascinating, isn't it, so extensive, so broad" Beanbag boy piped up sarcastically. He wanted to start something. Maybe it was his only source of entertainment. "Extens-wat? What does that even mean?!" Jai lee turned back to beanbag-boy, starting a mini argument over his words. I was admittedly surprised the stoic (and stuck up) boy indulged her nonsense. He must have been incredibly bored. "You must be the illustrious Dimitri Ivanov, i've heard so much about you" My words felt awkward, and I could only guess how anti-social I was coming across as. "That I am, I cannot however say I am aware of who you are, дорогой друг (dear friend)" He was tall, Russian accent thick, yet he had a rather soft voice. Set amongst pale skin was the most eye catching deep-set blue orbs, with the most unique shade of blue i'd ever seen in a persons eyes. They were dark and light at the same time, purple dancing inbetween a thin line of grey and a dash of green. It was strangely hypnotic. "I--" Cut off by a loud hiss, sounding scarily like a pair of feral cats, my head whipped around, eyes blown wide in surprise. Covering my ears, Dimitri leant against a counter, amused, "They should call her, 'Your Loudness' rather than highness" "Oh shut up" Jai lee rolled her eyes moodily, fists clenched. She stalked away from Beanbag boy, clearly through with whatever he had said to her. The said boy grimaced, gritting his teeth in an ill tempered manner. "I'm Bridget Michaels" I tried again, introducing myself nurvously. "Lovino Ricci" The Itallian on the couch smiled lightly. Lovino was nice. Well, he seemed nice. There was a certian genuinuity to him. Then and again, I couldn't judge a book by it's cover. Or could I? I mean, I was assuming the best in him, so this was the exception, wasn't it? "You already know i'm Jai lee, and this is Dimitri, aka the most annoying man in the world" Jai lee's words were basically rushed and incomprehensible due to the fact she was acting like child high on caffiene, bouncing about and babbling nonsence. Glancing over my shoulder, I gazed at the boy on the beanbag. "Oi, introduce yourself!" Jai lee snapped at him. "Stop being rude, jerk!" Could have sworn I saw a vein protruding from his temple, and he tried to ignore us by holding his book up higher. Jai lee won't let this go.... "I won't stop nagging you, what's your name, what's your name, what's your name--" "ANDERS BORJA" Anders slammed shut his book, looked over his shoulder and literally threw his book in her direction. I barely had time to react as Dimitri became a blur, snatching the book up before it hit the floor. "You know this book is important to you, what have we said about throwing your belongings when 'Her Highness' is being annoying?" Dimitri purred, sounding like an adult talking to a small child. Anders rolled his eyes, muttering under his breath, moodily he slowely took his heavy book off the Russian. Sitting down at the table, Jai lee and Lovino joined me. *********************************************************************************************************************************** "What subject's do you like in school?" Lovino asked curiously, glancing up briefly from his drawing. "...Math(?)" I sounded more like a question rather than an answer, but I was subsenituatlly more relaxed than when I first arrived. Green eyes smiled at me, clearly pleased with my answer, yet I knew no matter what I would have said, he would have smiled. In the few hours I had known him, I could tell he was a kind soul who cared about those around him, no matter who you were. "Yessss!" Jai lee cheered, throwing her hands up in the air, knocking pencils to the tiled floor with a echoing clatter. Lovino rested an elbow idily on the table, delicatly shading his drawing while continueing the conversation, "I love math as well, i'm not very good at many other subjects admittedly" "Really?!" The moment it came out of my mouth, I immediatly slapped a hand to my mouth, "I'MSORRYTHATWASRUDEOFME--" Light, musical laughter sounded from his mouth, and in the corner of my eye I saw a sickly dark blue glare. "It's ok, I never really spent much time in school anyway, I was usually out at photoshoot's, so I tended to miss alot of school," Lovino shrugged. "I tried to fit some studdying in between, but the work never really clicked with me because I was mostly self taught, and I rarely had time for a  tutor... my parents never really pressured me to do better either, so learning was kind of hard for me... only math, Itallian and english stuck" I had learnt that Lovino had become a young model in his pre-teen years, and was rather well know in Italy for some of his work. Made sense based off his looks and style. "Math was fun for me, it always made sense, well, actually no, alot of questions were weird... like the sentences they'd be written in" Jai lee piped picking up the pencils from the floor. "You mean context that'd be given~" Dimitri singsonged. "Ah yes, math, the only time where people buy inconspicuous amounts of sh*t and NOONE thinks to ask why. One of the many mysteries in life" Anders rolled his eyes with biting sarcasm. He lay bored in the sun, book skewed on the floor ontop of his neatly folded jacket. Jai lee poked her tongue out at him, to which he responded with a lazy raised middle finger without opening his eyes. Another half hour passed and everyone was growing bored. Many topics had be issued and the conversation was beginning to drown out. General chatter and questions about eachother had been asked. It was interesting to find that everyone in the room knew at least one person in the room in some way. I knew Jai lee, Jai lee knew Dimitri, Dimitri knew Anders, and Anders knew Lovino. It felt a little coincodental, but then and again, with the line of work out parents were in, I shrugged the thought away. Dimitri had long since abadoned his strange looking phone, a very D.I.Y looking piece of technology that rested for an eternity in his had as he typed away with speedy thumbs, walking circles around the table whilst he chatted egarly with the recipiant. Lovino was drawing picture after picture, it seemed he had a real artistic tallent, and Jai lee... Well, Jai lee had taken to rolling around the floor since she was bored of raiding the pantry, and Anders had threatened to break her hand if she poked him again. She offered me to join her, to which I politely declined the princesses offer. Yes, she was my best friend, however 'rolling about the floor was best suited for the professionals', as Dimitri had stated. It was, however, nice to be in the same room with my best friend. It wasn't too often we got to meet in person, due to the whole 'living in different countries' thing. Scrunched up bundles of paper that littered the floor all ended up in Dimitri's hands eventually and would make a swift course to the back of Anders head. The Norwegian refused to aknowledge the constant cycle, but it was clear he was getting irritated if his growling meant anything. "You're really good at art" I complimented, to which I earned a stunning smile. "Thank you, I spend alot of my time drawing, so I appreciate the compliment" "Yeah, actually Lovino here designed my tattoo" Dimitri pulled down the corner of his shirts neckline, revealing a black bird mid-flight with a blue flower in it's beak. Underneath the tail feathers lay four stars. A blush covered my olive skin at the amount of flesh he was showing, shoulders tucking in to my body. Chuckling, Dimitri let the fabric run back up to it's original position. "I got it a few years ago, to commemorate my mother's... passing" My heart twinged, Jai lee looked away, and Lovino dipped his head in respect, whispering a small prayer. Gazing at the inside of his right forearm, I noticed another tattoo. "What's that one?" I asked, Jai lee rolling over to us from her spot on the floor, clutching his arm curiously to inspect the black markings up his arm. "血で血を洗う。(Washing blood with blood), a Japanese proverb" Dimitri translated. "What's that supposed to mean?" Jai lee asked confused, running a dainty finger along the markings. "I don't remember this one "I got it recently, it's to do with family, I would explain it, but it will just go over your head" Dimitri pat her head, ruffling her hair. "Family is the most important thing in the world to me" Jai lee, though irritated she was being undermined, sat back, mentally trying to work out what it meant. How can you wash blood with blood? You could practically see the confusion written all over her face. Humming, Dimitri swiftly made a paper plane, setting it's course for the back of Anders head. True to his aim, it hit it's mark. It was like setting off a bomb. Or, at least that's what I visualized with that short tempter of his. "That's it," He stood up, shoved his book in his bag and made his way for the door. "F*ck you, f*ck this place, f*ck--" He cut himself off to curse some more in his language, teeth grit, fists clenched. He seemed rather unsettled, like something was bothering him outside of the room. The whole time we were here, he kept glancing back at the door with a dark gaze. It wasn't irritation, but like he was expecting something bad to happen. The anticipation had him on edge, his nerves were getting to him. "W-wait, we aren't supposed to leave the r--" I shrunk back at his seething glare, letting out an involuntary squeak of distress. Shrinking down, I shifted closer to Lovino and Jai lee, swallowing nervously. "Oi! You don't talk to my best friend like that!" Jai lee's words were thrown over everyone's head as the pale boy scoffed, silencing any words from his mouth with a look Lovino sent his way. "Hm..." Dimitri leant against his knuckle, a thoughtful smile lighting up his features, along with an inquisitive, knowing likeness in his eyes. "Bridget has a point, Anders, we aren't supposed to leave the room, what if we get caught?" Lovino stood up, placing a hand lightly on his friends shoulder. The next words to come out of his mouth were much more quiet, and felt rather personal. "Look, don't get me wrong, I know what you think about them..." "After all we researched, I need physical proof, Lovi" Anders whispered back, eyes meeting Dimitri. The Russian blinked slow, giving nothing away except a flicker of agreement. "I wanna explore too!!!" Jai lee jumped about cheerfully. Turning to me, Lovino sighed, "It seems we are two to two...." Biting my inner cheek, I felt the soft plush flesh slide between my teeth. It was to calm my racing nerves. I didn't want to disappoint my father, but why did I have the feeling something more was going on? Something didn't feel right. Ever since we entered the forest, I could feel something was off. The atmosphere, my instincts screaming to run, and that weird pulsing feeling in my throat. All that topped off by Anders behavior unsettled me, I felt like something bigger was going on. Am I missing something? I wondered anxiously. Lovino and I communicated with our eyes, gazes turning from doubt, to concern to something that said, 'I need to tell you something...' "Umm, Bridget, there's something--" Turning away, we came to the realization that we were the only ones in the room. "Come on," Rubbing his temples, Lovino sighed, used to Anders stubborn nature. "Looks like it's up to us to keep them in check...."

[loveisonlyrealinmymind444]

I’m so fucking embarrassing it’s so annoying. I take things so literally when I have a drink it’s unreal. Like I want to cry rn cause I don’t believe my boyfriend that he was joking when he called me a bitch. But like how am I meant to trust that he’s not just saying that so I don’t get upset. I think I truly love him and that’s frightening. I don’t want to fuck this up. I don’t want him to think negatively of me at all. Sometimes I can’t tell if he truly likes me or loves me. On occasion, like sometimes after we do things he just stops and goes on his phone and it makes me really insecure and makes me overthink, like what if I’m not good enough and he doesn’t want me anymore. It scares me that he doesn’t actually love me or like me at all and I don’t like the feeling. I feel like crying again now because I’m so scared that he doesn’t feel the same way towards me. I don’t think this boy knows what aftercare is at all, but I’m too scared to tell him. I get too scared and nervous to say any of these things to him incase he takes it the wrong way and I get scared to ask for things, like simply grabbing his face and kissing him, I’ve done it twice in the whole relationship. I like him being in control, I love him being in control, but there are things he needs to learn and understand that my emotions are fragile and I need reassurance. You can’t just roll over out your clothes back on and go on your phone without saying anything to me, because that makes me think I’ve done something wrong. I literally wanted to start crying when he did that, he didn’t even check on me or anything. I’m just too much of a pussy to say anything and I know I need to. Sometimes he makes me feel so worthless due to my overthinking over tiny things. I hate that I need constant reassurance but I do. I think I genuinely do love this boy and I really truly want things to work out. I think he believes that he doesn’t have to try as much now that he has me, he thinks that now I am his he doesn’t have to put in as much effort as when he did when we were first starting out the relationship, they really isn’t the case at all, he has to work the same to keep me. I don’t want it to end at all but it’s making me feel like shit whenever I think about it, he needs to try just as hard to keep me or I’ll end up going down a spiral and leaving when I don’t really want to, I just won’t be able to handle it. I just don’t know if I am allowed to (I get scared) ask for things. I mean I probably am, but I’m afraid of rejection, or the word NO. I don’t want to turn around and ask for something and say anything incase he says no or thinks I’m being stupid for thinking these things. He hasn’t even messaged me all day when I have. He’s probably been asleep but it’s still shitty. I just want my boyfriend.

I really needed to get this off my chest so I appreciate if you read this all. I’m just a little bit drunk and in my feelings atm.

All my love,

R xx

[leahkenobi]

afraid

cassian x fem!reader

word count: 7.4k

summary: cassian can’t stand seeing you scared.

warnings: panic attacks, fear in the general sense, torture, pain, crying, blood, bruises, mentions of eating and throwing up, keir is an ass, protective cassian

a/n: okay so i got insanely carried away with this one. i ended up getting really into the dynamic of the reader being rhys’s sister, so i kept writing scenes with them. also i’m open to requests for cassian and azriel, whatever they may be. i tend to write hurt/comfort, which i love doing, but please let me know if you would like to see anything else, or something more in this trope! also, if you would like to be added to a cassian tag list, i would be more than happy to add anyone! i hope you all enjoy, and thank you so so much for the support <3

within the inner circle, you were known as the rock. you were the light everyone turned to in the times of darkness, the sunshine on the rainy days.

when rhys was taken from your small group of friends who became family, you were the one who held everyone together. you never questioned if he would return, rather you reminded the others it was indefinite. he would make it back home, any day now.

you held cassian as he sobbed, you listened to azriel talk it out. you picked mor up from the clubs when she couldn’t cope without alcohol, and you sat with amren in painful silence as she processed her feelings.

no one asked after you besides cassian, though his reaction was delayed. he, along with the others, were so caught up in their feelings that they didn’t take a moment to think that the one keeping them together might be falling apart as well.

it was early in the morning, and he had been thinking of rhys again, and he tried to remember what you told him when he felt a wave of panic begin to come over him. “take a deep breathe, and remember the good,” you would say, “i promise there will be more good with him.”

moments later, it dawned on cassian that you might need help too, and he nearly leapt from his bed to find you. he felt some tugging, like he knew that wherever you were, you needed him, and quickly. how had he been so stupid to not check up on you? you, who had held him as he wept, who had been the rock of your little family.

the rock was crumbling, eroding and turning to sand. when cassian reached your room, it was like he could hear you breaking. he knocked with urgency, knowing he needed to be in there before you got too deep into your own mind, as he knew you could. you used to tend to overthink, and he feared the same thing would be happening now. based on those sounds from the other side of the door, he knew it was worse than he had ever witnessed.

“y/n/n, let me in,” cassian said, trying to keep his breaking voice steady. you couldn’t hear him, it was as if your senses were blocked. all cassian could hear was your breathing become more and more labored.

“i’m coming in,” he said as a warning, though he knew that since you hadn’t responded, you probably couldn’t hear him. he pushed on the door, breaking in with his sheer strength, and the sight before him made his heart beat erratically, full of nerves.

he’d seen you nervous and paranoid before, but he’d never seen you looking so helpless and small. you were on the floor on the far side of your bed, pushed into the corner. you were mumbling to yourself, audible grunts and groans slipping from your mouth. your head was between your knees as your whole body seemed to be shaking.

cassian moved quickly, not aware that his swift and hard footsteps would cause a reaction. your head snapped up rapidly as you tried to move yourself farther into the wall, whimpering like an injured animal. he saw your timid movements and stopped where he stood.

“hey, hey, y/n it’s just me,” cassian said, and you shook your head, like you didn’t want to know. “shh it’s okay, you’re okay,” he said softly. he couldn’t get over how scared you looked.

once again, he approached, and you just quivered where you sat. he knelt in front of you, slowly taking your face in his hands, allowing you time to move if you were uncomfortable.

when you didn’t shy away, he cupped your face in his hands and wiped away a few tears. your body, primarily your hands, were still shaking. cassian looked you in the eye, very gently saying, “what’s going on in that pretty head of yours?”

you didn’t answer for a minute, staring anywhere but his eyes. he grabbed your hands, trying to put an end to the shaking. he rubbed them softly, hoping maybe he could calm you, just a little.

you finally spoke lip quivering and voice weak, “i’m sorry, did i wake you?” cassian was a bit taken aback by your question. here you were, in shambles in the corner of your room, shaking right in front of him and your very first thought was “am i causing a problem?”

“y/n, no honey. you didn’t do anything, nothing at all i just need to make sure you are okay. can you tell me what’s going on?” cassian spoke, speaking to you in a hushed tone. he didn’t want his normally booming voice to overwhelm you while you were in an obviously fragile state.

“sorry,” you mumbled. once again, cassian was stunned. “what do you have to be sorry for? it’s okay, y/n, you didn’t do anything,” he said.

your initial state of panic had started to wear thin, and now all you could think of was how embarrassing this was. cassian, the male you had been in love with for years, had just seen you scared as a child in the dark.

he met your eyes once again, and moved in closer, pulling you to his chest. he wrapped his large wings around the rest of your body, protecting you from the outside world.

he whispered in your ears, “if you don’t tell me what’s shaken you, honey, i can’t help you.” and that’s what broke you down. he wanted to help you. you started crying into his chest, which cassian welcomed, stroking your back.

“i’ve got you, i’ve got you,” he said. you let your emotions run dry, until you couldn’t produce any more tears. “i-i-,” you started, but couldn’t spit it out.

cassian knew it took a lot to get you to this point, to get you speechless, so he was patient with you. he did his best to let you express your emotions, considering he had never see you so distraught and he didn’t know the best way to help you.

“i’m scared,” you said, though barely audible. cassian heard, though, he heard you utter those two words he never thought he’d hear leave your mouth.

he kissed the top of your forehead, pondering what could cause you to be in such disarray, but he only came to one conclusion. “is this about rhys?” he said, and he knew the answer before the question even left his mouth. he was your brother, of course you were scared.

you nodded, “i just- he can’t be gone, cass. i still need him,” you said, eyes watering up again. cassian just listened, knowing you needed to let this out, hell you probably needed to let this out long before now.

“he’s not gone, y/n, i know he isn’t,” cassian said. he was internally beating himself up. how the hell did he not see you suffering, like this? how didn’t he assume, for cauldron’s sake you were his little sister.

“but-but he could be, or he could come back and not be our rhys at all,” you continued, letting all your fears off your chest. cassian was having a hard time too, he didn’t know the answers to these questions, he didn’t know the right thing to say when you were feeling like this. hell, you were the one he would go to in situations like this.

“then we will remind him who he is, who we are,” he said with confidence he didn’t feel, but right now you needed it, needed him. you nodded again into his chest, then lifted your head.

“i’m afraid cassian, i’m so damn afraid,” you said, not knowing how else to convey how you felt. “i know, y/n, i know. but i swear to you, you’ll make it through,” he said.

he took a private oath at that moment, that he would never again see you this afraid. he vowed that he would look after you so well, it would never get this bad again.

————————————

for over fifty years, cassian kept that oath. while rhys was away, he never left your side. he was basically attached at your hip, in fear that the moment he left you alone, he would have to see you cowering in fear again. the idea of that was simply unacceptable, he refused to see you so scared.

the day that rhys came home was an emotional whirlwind for everyone. when he winnowed into the townhouse, he shouted your name. you could hardly believe what you were hearing, denying the possibility it could be him.

“y/n!” rhys shouted again. you sprung from your bed and turned to cassian, who was sitting in the chair in the corner of your room. his eyes were wide, disbelief flooding his features.

within a flash, you were scrambling to the door, running into it on accident in all the excitement. when you finally opened it, you bounded down the steps. when you eventually reached the living room, you saw him. there, stood in the middle of the living room, was your brother, rhysand.

your eyes flooded with tears as you leapt into his arms. he hardly had the reaction time to catch you and the force of the hug nearly knocked him clear over. cassian stood at the bottom of the stairs in absolute confusion and awe. because there was rhys, his best friend, home where he belonged.

the sobs that left your mouth were loud, your whole body shaking against rhys. “i’m home now, i’m here y/n. i’m not going anywhere,” he whispered. your loud cries caused the others to seek you out, and when they saw the scene before them, they quickly understood your reaction.

rhys smiled, pulling you off his chest and wiping a tear from your face, “i’ve missed you,” he said. you smiled up at him, you missed this, missed your family.

soon enough, cassian was crushing rhys in a tight hug, followed by azriel. now it was your turn to watch as the best friends who were closer to brothers hugged and reunited again.

that night, you dined with your entire family for the first time in fifty years. you felt whole once again with all of you together. though you could tell rhysand had been through a lot (what exactly happened, he hadn’t yet disclosed), he still found a way to ask about you. he asked all about what you had been doing, how his duties were fulfilled in his absence, anything new or exciting that happened in velaris. you were mesmerized by your brother’s resilience, how he could so easily seem unaffected.

when dinner came to a close, azriel, mor, and amren all retired to their rooms, while you sat with rhys. cassian didn’t move, which was to be expected, at least in your mind. he never left you alone for long, and you loved it. though sometimes it could make you feel claustrophobic, you enjoyed having his company most of the time, and he made you feel safe.

rhys gave you a look, one that said “i would like to speak alone.” you nodded at him, almost forgetting cassian was still there because his presence was such a constant. eventually, rhys gave up on the idea of cassian leaving, and proceeded with conversation.

“y/n, i’m afraid i have some bad news,” rhys said, and you began to panic. bad news? what could be so bad right now? he was home, safe again. nonetheless, you said, “what’s going on?”

“keir hasn’t been missing me and is running a muck in the court of nightmares. he needs to remember who is in charge,” rhys said, but continued, “and i need you to remind him.”

with that your, face fell. why the hell would rhys want you to do that when everyone so easily and compliantly followed him. “um.. i- i guess i can, but i just don’t understand why you can’t,” you said to your brother, turning to see cassian equally as confused.

“because they need to know it’s not just me they should be following, they need to follow you too, the whole high court really. after all, gods forbid something happens to me again, something i don’t come back from, you are their leader. you need to show them you can be,” rhys said, and you still couldn’t grasp why now? why hadn’t he made you do this before?

he could practically hear your thoughts, and responded, “i’m home now, y/n, yes. but what if i wasn’t? what if something had really gone wrong? would they have listened to you, or turned hewn city against all of the rest of the court. i need to see you put your foot down, y/n, show them the strong leader we all know you are,” he said.

you nodded, understanding a little clearer now. this wasn’t just about you, it was about keeping his court safe in the event of another untimely disaster. you got that, he wanted to know that push come to shove, his people would be well taken care of.

“okay,” you said, “i’ll go.” rhys gave you a grin, a grin you had come to miss so much over the years without him, a grin that reminded you of trips to the sweet shop in velaris you took as children, of sneaking out and going to rita’s with cassian and azriel as teens.

“great, you’ll leave tomorrow at dawn-“ rhys was saying but was quickly interrupted by cassian, who had been silently brooding this whole conversation. “i don’t think so,” cassian said, to which rhys raised his eyebrows.

“you don’t think so?” rhys quipped back, almost amused by cassian’s interruption. rhysand was many things, but he sure as hell wasn’t blind. he knew that cassian was in love with you, he’d known since you were kids and cassian protected you from some nasty illyrians by wrapping his wings around you. he’d taken a rock to the wing for you, which was nothing to scoff at.

while rhys was under the mountain, the only peace he had was knowing cassian was fiercely protective of you. he knew you were in good hands.

“rhys are you crazy? sending her into keir so exposed! you know how insane he is!” cassian shouted, his protectiveness over you really coming out. rhys looked over to you and saw you staring cassian in the eye, like you were trying to communicate to him to calm down.

somehow, cassian understood what you were trying to say, and took a breath before continuing his argument. “i don’t like it rhys. i don’t want her going in there without us,” he said.

and all of the pieces fell right into place for rhysand. what he once assumed a crush was much more than that. the protectiveness cassian had for you, the communicating the pair of you did without speaking at all, the longing looks he had seen and the feeling of love he sensed. you two were mates, he concluded, then wondered how long it would take for you to admit it to each other.

“you can go with her, cass, but you’ll have to wait outside city limits, she needs to go in alone,” rhys said, eyes flitting between the two of you. “but-“ cassian started to argue. rhys cut him short, “but nothing, you will leave at dawn tomorrow, that’s final.”

you smiled, standing to give your brother a hug. “i’m glad you’re home,” you said, “i’m going to bed so i can be ready for tomorrow. sleep well, rhys. i’ll see you soon.” rhys placed a loving kiss on the top of your head, and you left the kitchen.

cassian didn’t follow immediately, choosing to stay back with rhysand and chat. “how long have you known?” rhys asked cassian, and he knew exactly what rhys, was talking about, though he didn’t care to admit it.

“i’m not sure i know what you mean,” cassian said, and rhys smiled again at his friend’s avoidance. “don’t play stupid, cass, i can see it in your eyes. and can you be anymore obvious? you don’t leave her side for cauldron’s sake!” rhys exclaimed with amusement.

“you don’t know rhys,” cassian said. “there’s a reason i don’t leave her side. you didn’t see her the way i did after she left, you didn’t see her shaking in the corner of her room,” cassian continued, “so you’re right. i don’t leave her side because i can’t let that happen to her again, at least without me being there i can’t.”

“i’m sorry-“ rhys started, “there’s nothing to be sorry for, okay? you didn’t do anything. i just need to keep her safe, and you’re right. i know why i feel that need to do so, and i’m pretty sure y/n might know too, but it wasn’t the right time to address it. we couldn’t talk about it with you being gone, it just didn’t feel right,” cassian said.

rhys nodded, “okay, cass, it’s alright. and thank you, for keeping her safe. it feels good to know you always had an eye on her.” cassian mumbled a “you’re welcome.”

“you should go to bed, cassian, you have a long day of work ahead of you tomorrow,” rhys said. cassian nodded and hugged him once more before retiring for the evening.

————————————

the next morning you woke up early, feeling nervous about your assignment. not only did you not want to fail your brother, but you were scared of the court of nightmares. you knew how awful keir had been to mor, to your brother and friends too.

you walked downstairs and into the kitchen for a light breakfast. at the table, you saw cassian and rhys sitting and chatting, even smiling a little.

when they noticed your presence, cassian perked straight up. “morning y/n,” he said with a smile and you smiled back. how could you not when he smiled at you like a child?

“how are you feeling?” rhys asked as you grabbed an apple, not wanting to eat too much before the big show.

you shrugged, “alright, i guess. i just want to get it over with.” both boys nodded and looked to each other as you bit into the apple.

“remember y/n, you’re going in alone. cassian will be waiting outside city limits, okay? it shouldn’t take you more than two hours to discuss with keir and explain to him his behavior is unacceptable. be sure to remind him of the consequences, should he not listen to you,” rhysand said, to which you nodded.

“and one more thing,” he said, “don’t mention i’m home. for this to work, for him to fear you the way he should, you need to show him that you are strong by yourself, without me and the boys behind you.”

“okay, i promise,” you said. rhys and cassian both looked a bit nervous, but they tried not to show it. “you are strong, y/n, i know you can do this,” cassian added, to which rhys agreed.

“you better get going then,” rhys said to the two of you. you hugged him tightly as a goodbye, then walked out of the kitchen and out the front door to wait for cassian, as he would be flying you.

cassian and rhys remained in the kitchen, when rhys said, “if something goes wrong, shout for me, please. i need her to be okay. she needs to go, but that doesn’t mean i want to put her in this danger.”

cassian agreed, he didn’t want to put you in this danger either, but he knew rhys was making the right choice for the court. “i will do everything i can,” cassian said, and walked out as well, to fly you away.

————————————

not thirty minutes later, you arrived on the border of hewn city. the ride was smooth, as it always was when you flew in cassian’s arms. however, you had this sinking feeling inside of you, a feeling that something was going to go terribly wrong.

cassian set you on the ground gently, and took a look over your appearance. he could visibly see your nerves in your scrunched nose and less than steady hands. “it’s going to be okay, y/n,” he said, picking up your hands.

you smiled and looked him in the eyes, saying, “i know, it’ll be fine.” you didn’t know what else to say, considering you didn’t believe it was going to be fine, so you said, “i’ll show them who is boss,” with a grin.

“that’s my girl,” cassian said back. your heart fluttered at that, he thought your were his. “but, y/n/n, at the first sign of danger, i want you to get out of there. meet me back here. more than anything, i need you to be safe,” he said with conviction.

“i promise,” you said, and then you gently kissed him on the cheek. it was a kiss that couldn’t be shared between friends for it was too soft and dainty. it was a kiss that could only be shared between those who loved each other deeply. cassian’s cheeks blushed a pretty pink, smiling at you as you turned and walked into the court of nightmares.

————————————

you reached the gates of the palace, where guards roughly grabbed your arms to bring you inside. this had to be your first show of power, you had to demand them to release you and lead you to keir.

you made an attempt to get out of their hold. “let me go at once,” you said firmly, and though their grasp loosened, they didn’t let go.

“i am the sister of rhysand, high lord of the night court, and you will do as i say,” you attempted to order, and the male guards only snickered.

“we don’t give a shit who you are to the high lord, you aren’t him,” one of the guards said. that was your first sign that you should run.

“keir is going to be thrilled,” one of the other guards said, and you felt your stomach drop. this wasn’t good, you were screwed.

you reached the throne room, and there sat keir, looking sinister as always. he gave you a disgusting grin as you were presented before him. “what a surprise. little y/n, come to play ball with the big boys,” he said mockingly.

“keir, we need to speak of the mockery you have created of your jurisdiction. this city is a disaster, and you will do well to fix it immediately,” you spoke, trying not to appear afraid, though you never did have a good poker face.

“or what, princess, hmm? what are you going to do without your big brother?” he said, and you couldn’t help but feel embarrassed.

“i do not need rhysand to strip you of your power,” you said. “i can easily replace you if you do not behave in compliance with the orders of your high court,” you continued, though he didn’t seem to believe you, instead he laughed.

“we will see about that,” he said, “take her to the room,” keir said, a dark look passed over his face, one that was enough to make you quiver in fear. this was your second clue that you needed to get back, get back to cassian before this got bad.

and oh, did it get bad. his guards gripped your arms harder, and when you demanded to be released, they simply dragged you along, as if you were just a toy, not a real being.

you reached the room keir had mentioned and worry flooded you. it only took one look around to know what kind of room this was, and it only took you a moment to realize you needed to escape, and quick.

he brought you to a room similar to the ones where azriel did his work with truth teller. a room where you had never been before, and thank the gods for it. but now that you were, you were terrified.

the guards dropped you to ground like rag doll, and you quickly scooted to the corner of the room, which in hindsight, probably was not the brightest idea. because when keir entered moments later and asked all of the guards to leave him, he already had you right where he wanted you.

“so y/n,” he said, “nice room, isn’t it?” you couldn’t believe how he was mocking you right now, but you were so scared all you let out were pathetic whimpers. “oh don’t worry, if you listen, and do what i ask, none of these blades will touch that soft skin of yours,” he said.

keir was power hungry, and he felt so strong with you completely at his mercy. “let’s start with the easy questions. why are you here?” he said, and you didn’t respond. you wouldn’t break, not for him.

“cmon dear, don’t make this harder than it needs to be,” he said, keeping his distance, but you could tell he was getting impatient. when you didn’t answer, he picked up a sharpened blade and stormed toward you. he held it to your neck, saying, “do you need a little motivation to tell me what’s going on?”

his smile was evil, pure devil visible in his teeth. but when you didn’t answer, he took matters into his own hands. “very well then,” he said, and slashed you right above the collar bone. you cried out in pain, lunging to get away from him. you couldn’t make it though, he pushed you right back into the corner.

tears flowed down your face as he said, “i wasn’t joking about using my resources, i’ll do what it takes to get the answers i want.” he dropped the blade and lifted your chin so you would be forced to meet his eyes.

“such a pretty face, it would be a real shame if something happened to it,” he said while caressing your cheeks and you whimpered again. you were scared, so scared of what was to come. your mind was a mess, jumping from thought to thought, like “would rhys find me?” and then too, “what if i die before he does?” your mind went to cassian, wondering, “will he know how i felt, even if i’m gone?”

you were snapped out of your thoughts as you heard keir speak again. “it’s okay if you don’t tell me why you’re here just yet. but i want to hear about rhysand. where has he been, y/n? i must know,” he whispered, his face too close to yours.

“i don’t know what you are talking about,” you said, using all the fighting strength you had left to answer that question.

he sneered, “oh i think you do.” when he slid sharp pieces of metal over his knuckles, you began to panic. he spoke again saying, “if i were you, i’d tell me everything you know about him and his whereabouts these past fifty years, or you won’t like what comes next.”

you shook your head. you weren’t going to let keir scare you, no matter the consequence. you were going to make rhys proud, you weren’t going to fold and give him what he wanted, even if it meant not making it back to your family.

“well if you insist,” keir said, and punched you straight across the face. you could feel the metal puncture your skin, the blood dripping down it fast. you could feel your face pulsing, and you knew it would swell instantly. “it’s going to be a long morning for you miss y/n,” he said with a disgusting smile.

————————————

all morning cassian had been scared for your safety. but his nerves worsened the further you got from the two hour window rhys had said would be the maximum amount of time needed to smooth things over in hewn city.

two hours and fifteen minutes in, he began pacing. he had this feeling, this feeling he couldn’t describe, but he knew it wasn’t a good one. it felt like something was calling him, like he needed to get inside the city as soon as he could.

but he did as rhys said, and stood on the outskirts. he had waited another half hour before he started to think about all of the things that could have gone wrong. his mind flooded with vile images of you, images that he hoped he would never witness, ones that would stay in the back of his mind forever.

when it had been three hours and thirty minutes of him waiting while you were in the city alone, he sent a message down to rhys. “no word from y/n/n yet, and i’m getting nervous. what should i do?” cassian said.

rhys answered immediately, saying, “wait another half hour. if you have no word by then, go into the palace and see what’s going on. i’m sure it’s okay, just running a bit long.”

cassian nodded, “okay,” he said. he trusted rhysand’s judgement, though he still felt something was wrong.

he should have listened to his gut.

————————————

you had lost all sense of time. for a while, keir had slapped you silly with metal on his knuckles. you had begged and pleaded for him to stop, but he wouldn’t let up on it.

then, he had switched over to his blade again, cutting away pieces of your clothing to humiliate you, and leaving cuts that were oozing with blood. you had kicked and screamed when he used the blade. there was nothing that hurt worse than having your skin cut open, you thought.

then, he was back to abusing your body with his own. he kicked your stomach, breaking you ribs as you doubled over, coughing up blood.

“please,” you begged, “please stop.” he only laughed in your face, saying, “i told you the terms of the end of punishment. you must give me the answers i’m looking for, and if you refuse, i’ll continue,” he said smuggly.

at this point, you were begging to pass out. you were scared to be conscious any longer, you were scared that you would give him what he wanted and rhys would be disappointed. you couldn’t do it anymore, your skin was a mess of bruises and blood, and you couldn’t even open your right eye as it was swollen shut. the blood was soaked through your hair and the ripped pants and top you still wore. your body was shaking from the strain of staying alert, and that’s how cassian found you.

————————————

the second he reached the fourth hour of waiting, cassian flew directly into the city, over palace security gates, and right to the front door.

he pounded on the door, and after a few moments, when there was no answer, he used his strength to push through it. he found no guards, no people at all in the main entrance of the palace, which he thought was very peculiar.

what he did hear, however, shook him to his core. he heard blood-curdling screams coming from the hall to his left, and he took off in a sprint in the direction of the screams.

“no! no!” he heard as he approached closer to the door. and it was his worst nightmare come true when he realized it was your voice.

he didn’t know what to do with himself. he couldn’t believe he had let you be alone in this hell for four hours while you were only supposed to be gone for two. he was angry, so angry with not just himself, but whoever was hurting you. and he had a bad, bad feeling he knew who it was.

cassian did know one thing, he knew he had to be calm for you when he got in there. he didn’t know how long this had been happening for, but he did know that you didn’t need someone to scare you more than you already were, you needed someone to rescue you.

when he blasted through the door with his siphons, he thought he was going to throw up. because sitting there, barely recognizable, covered in blood and bruises and vomit, was his y/n, shaking and crying, screaming and pleading no.

you didn’t even realize that keir had stopped touching you the second cassian entered the room, hell you didn’t even realize cassian had entered the room. you just kept whimpering “no, no,” over and over.

“what the hell did you do to her?” cassian growled out in a low tone, as not to scare you with his loud voice.

“i needed some answers,” keir said, “and this pretty little thing wasn’t giving in. you should be proud, general, she didn’t reveal anything this whole time, and we’ve been going at it for quite some time.”

cassian was filled with rage. it had been the whole four hours, and had he listened to the voice in his head telling him to find you, he could have saved you two hours or more of unnecessary pain. “don’t fucking talk about her like that,” he said defensively of you.

“poor thing was begging for mercy, but what kind of ruler would i be if i listened to those pleads for relief when i needed information?” keir said with a grin, knowing this was getting to cassian.

it took everything inside cassian not to blast him into oblivion, to take one of the bloodied blades off the ground and stab him through the heart, but he knew he couldn’t do that right now in front of you. you were shaking, so small and afraid looking that he couldn’t bare the thought of you seeing him doing something so cruel.

cassian shifted to move in front of you, wings guarding your body from keir’s gaze. “don’t even think about touching her again,” cassian said.

“oh i’m not. you can take her, she’s worth nothing to me now. probably doesn’t even remember her own name,” he sneered out.

“but cassian? know that i will figure out what happened to rhysand, and know that i will not stop running my city how i please.”

with that, keir left the room. you were still hidden behind cassian’s wings, but he could hear you whining, he could practically feel you shaking. he slowly turned around, and just like all those years before, he knelt in front of you. he remembered what he promised himself, and was so disappointed that he broke his oath. he had seen you terrified again. the first time he left your side for longer than an hour and a half in fifty years, and here you are, cowering in a corner.

your sounds were breaking his heart. he slowly removed your hands from your face. you pushed yourself farther in the corner and cassian sat back on his heels to let you have a minute.

seeing your face so bloodied and bruised and knowing the pain behind it made cassian want to rewind time and put himself in your place. but he couldn’t do that, all he could do was move forward and give you the help you needed.

“hey y/n, it’s just me, just cassian,” he said softly, showing you his hands. you shook your head, repeating, “please don’t,” to him.

“i’m not going to touch you, honey, i’m not going to hurt you. but i do need to take you home,” he said softly. you continued to whimper when you looked at him. then, his heart shattered when you mumbled “cass?”

“yeah, y/n, it’s me. i’m going to take you back to rhys, okay?” he said so sweetly. you scrambled into his arms when you realized it was him, your cassian. he was here to hold you, he was always here.

when you made it to his arms, you pushed yourself into him, hiding your head in his neck. then, the first cry left your mouth, “cassian,” you let out, tears running down your face.

“i’m here, honey, i’ve got you now, you’re safe with me,” he said, rubbing up and down your back. when he pulled his hand off, there was blood on it.

as much as he wanted to let you stay in his arms, as much as he wanted to hold you until you cried all of your tears, you were bleeding and injured. rhys would have his head if he didn’t get you back immediately.

“we need to leave, y/n, so i’m going to pick you up and fly us out of here,” he said calmly, trying to keep this facade up for your sake when deep down his mind was screaming at him so many different things. to panic, to run, to scream, to kill those who hurt you.

you nodded into his chest as he got up and quickly walked out of the room. he ran through the halls and out of the palace into the stale air of late fall.

as he took off, you muttered, “i’m scared.” cassian heard you and pushed the hair from your face as he was flying.

“it’s okay, y/n, i’m going to take good care of you,” he said. and finally, after hours of ruthless pain and torture, the altitude and blood loss were enough to knock you out.

when cassian felt you go limp, he panicked. “rhys!” he shouted to his friend through his mind, “it’s bad rhys, it’s really bad. get madja, and get her room ready,” cassian said.

rhysand panicked, responding, “oh shit, okay. i’ll get everything together. fly safe cassian, bring her back as safe as you can.”

————————————

cassian did as he was told and brought you home, barreling through the door and into the living room where everyone was waiting.

mor gasped as she saw your unconscious frame and azriel’s shadows curled around him. rhysand stayed silent as madja muttered, “this way.”

cassian carried you to your room, rhys behind him. just as he went to set you on the bed, you began thrashing in his arms, screaming, “no! stop!” it was as if you were awake, but not aware of where you were.

“shhh y/n, it’s me. i’ve got you, i’ve got you,” he said, and you opened your eyes as well as you could. “cass,” you said, voice breaking. he nodded his head and you continued, “are we home?”

“yes honey, we’re home,” he said. rhys came into view and he looked at you, and said, “you made it y/n.”

you gave him a faint smile before you cuddled into cassian. cassian looked to madja who motioned for him to sit on the bed. he sat on the bed, holding you against his chest when madja looked to him, asking for him to explain what was happening. she knew how disoriented you were, how right now, cassian was the only thing that made you feel safe.

“okay, y/n, madja’s going to help you out now, get you cleaned up,” cassian said, trying to warn you for what was to come. you shook your head, and asked him, “can you do it?”

he gave you a sad smile and said, “i don’t think that’s a good idea, madja is really good at her job. and i’ll hold you the whole time,” he said.

you supposed he was right, and nodded your head. that didn’t help the pain that came with the alcohol she used the clean your many gashes. you bucked up into cassian’s grasp and he brushed the hair from your forehead, hold the top of your head and leaning to whisper, “relax, honey. i know it hurts, but i’ve got you.”

rhys stood and watched as madja cared for you and cassian did his best to hold you still and keep you comfortable. he was wracked with guilt for all of it. he never should’ve sent you alone and never should’ve asked cassian to wait. if he could’ve saved you from just a little of the pain you were feeling now…

he could hardly stand to look at you, his little sister, so weak and broken. it was hard to look at cassian too, who looked on the verge of tears every time you cried out in pain as madja attempted to heal you.

it was a mercy when you passed out again, this time from sheer exhaustion. madja left promptly, as she was done with her work. as she was leaving the room, she said, “she’s going to be just fine.” rhys nodded a thanks.

cassian didn’t make a move to leave. he let you lay in his arms and rest. rhys looked at the two of them and said, “i can’t believe he did this to her. i’m going to fucking kill him.”

cassian nodded, asking, “could i have the pleasure?” with a smirk. rhys knew how much self control it had to have taken for cassian not to kill him right then and there. you were his mate, and someone had hurt you. he had to fight against all of his biological urges.

“thank you for getting her here safe,” rhys said. cassian nodded, “anything for her.” he smiled down at you sadly, looking at all of the scars and stitches and bruises that littered your body.

————————————

when you woke hours later, you were still in cassian’s arms. rhys had long since left you room, but cassian stayed.

he must’ve felt you shift or heard you groan because he said quickly, “how are you feeling?”

you groaned again, “like shit.” he chuckled, as did you until he started again. “y/n you were… you were so scared. i can’t - i can’t see you like that again,” cassian let out with a serious tone.

“i’m sorry i didn’t-“ “no!” cassian interrupted, “please don’t apologize you didn’t do anything wrong i just… remember all those years ago, a few days after rhys left, and i came into your room and i saw you so afraid? well that day i promised myself i’d do everything i could to make sure you never felt like that again, that i never had to see you like that again.

“but i broke that promise. i let you go for the first time in fifty years and i come back to find you shaking with blood covering every inch of your body and i- i…” he stopped, breathing becoming labored.

“breathe cassian,” you said, seeing how worked up he was getting.

“you, y/n, you are it for me. you are the stars to my sky, the flowing water to my riverbank. you complete every part of me, and when i see you like that… it’s painful to see you so afraid. it physically hurts me,” he said, letting it all out.

“and i think you know what this all means. and i think you feel like this too, and i know this is bad timing but i can’t do it anymore. i can’t see you like that again, and i need to do everything i can to protect you from it. so i’m asking you now, as you’re lying in my arms, probably in an unbelievable amount of pain will you please, please let me keep you safe? will you let me guard your body, heart, and mind from those who can hurt you?” he asked.

you nodded, taking in all that he said. “please cassian,” you said, and that was all he needed to hear. his mouth was on yours in an instant, pressing you to him quickly, like he couldn’t wait another minute.

he could taste the tang of blood from your mouth, could smell it all over your body too, but he he couldn’t care less. he finally had you, safe in his arms.

it wasn’t always easy. what keir did to you stayed a part of you for a long, long time. it woke you up at night with terrors. you’d scream so loud that cassian would have to rock you in his arms to get you back to sleep, but he didn’t mind. he wanted to protect you, and he swore he would do so forever more. he wouldn’t let anything happen to cause you to be so afraid ever again.

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[mar-the-magician]

Be Well, Dearest Love

Not enough Cam and Lasko (Easy Breezy) out there so I made this— pls be kind 😅 

Sitting across the table from his close friend-turned-crush in a quiet cafe filled with abstract art and baked treats, Lasko twisted the fidget ring Cam had given him a while back to help with his nerves. It did help, a little bit, but it was no match for a the gulf of anxiety in the pit of his stomach. He was about to confess to his crush, for crying out loud! It was completely natural to feel a bit unsettled. But maybe not quite so unsettled that he might throw up…

"Lasko. What’s wrong?" Cam's sympathetic eyes helped Lasko more than any ring ever could. He knew he couldn’t hide his feelings from the daemon— and no matter how Cam felt about him, Lasko knew he would be kind about it. So he decided to get straight to the point. 

"N- ah, nothing's wrong, Cam, I just, ah, I-I-I need to tell you something. S-something really important to me. I-i-if you don’t mind…" 

"Of course, I’m happy to listen. What is it?"

"I-I-I guess you probably already know, or— or, or at least suspect, since y'know, you can sense my emotions— I mean, daemon and all that!" He chuckled nervously.

"… But ah, but since you ah, never said anything about it I figured maybe, y’know, you just, wanted to hear it straight from me, or, or, maybe you just somehow never noticed, or didn’t connect the dots— n-not that I think you’re stupid! Or anything like that! Fuck, no, you’re like, one of the most intelligent, understanding people I know, I would never… think that about you o-o-or want you to think I thought that or a-a-anything like tha—“ 

"Lasko."

"Hm?" His voice was squeaky.

"You’re spiraling. Do you… want to take couple deep breaths with me before you tell me what you needed to tell me? I think it would help make it easier for you."

"Y-yeah. Yes please. I-I'm so sorry, I always do that— and I get all wrapped up in my own head and then you have to try to calm me down and— fuck, Cam, I-I'm sorry I’m always like this—“

"You’re not a bother, or a burden, or a nuisance, or any of the things I know you’re thinking right now. Everyone has the things they have to bear. Yours happens to be… nervousness. Overthinking sometimes. That’s natural and okay, and I’ve been in situations with people who had far more… inconvenient problems many times in the past. Now breath with me?"

"Yes. Thank you, Cam."

"Don’t mention it. I think you know this one— it’s intended to slow your heart rate and prevent hyperventilation, or anything along that line. Breathe in, slowly, while counting to four." Lasko inhaled and counted.

"Hold your breath while counting to seven." 

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven…

"And now breath out, again slowly, while counting to eight. Very, very good. Now we’re going to repeat that five times, okay?"

At the end of the exercise, Lasko realized he had closed his eyes. Cam's voice was just so calming… fuck, he loved his voice.

"I’m just gonna say this all in one rush, because if I don’t say it now, I might not ever say it. Camilopardalis, I… I think I’m in love with you and— I've-never-felt-so-strongly-about-someone-and-honestly-it-kind-of-scares-me-because-what-if-you-don’t-feel-the-same-way-and-then-I-can’t-get-over-you, o-o-o-or-what-if-it-ruins-our-friendship— and it’s totally fine if you don’t feel the same way and when I actually think about it, I know you wouldn’t let it ruin our friendship, but it’s still just really nerve-wracking and I—“

Hand. Warm hand. On top of his hand. Cam had put his hand on top of Lasko's. 

"Hey," he leaned his head forward until they made eye-contact. 

"I like you too, dearest."

"R-r-really? I mean, you, you don’t have to say that just to make me feel better, seriously, I’ll be okay if you—“

"If I didn’t mean it, I wouldn’t have said it.” He touched his forehead to Lasko's. 

"You were right earlier. I wanted to hear it directly from you. While I could sense the rush of joy and affection every time you saw me (and I am flattered by the way) I didn’t want to act until you were ready to tell me. It didn’t seem fair, especially to a humanborn who hadn’t had exposure to magic from a young age. I love how intelligent you are, how dedicated to your work you are, how much you care for the people around you. I love your sense of humor and your deeply engrained morals. I love your eyes and your soft, fidgeting hands and how you always order the same thing or some variation on it, no matter what cafe we're in, and your unmatched prowess in Super Smash Bros. I love you, and I want to be your boyfriend if… you’re ready for that." Lasko was blushing and gasping. Then smiling. Then laughing.

"Yes! Okay! Yes! I am absolutely ready for that! I’ve been ready since like, the third time we saw each other!" Cam started laughing too. They sat there like that for a while, just existing close to each other. Then Cam looked down.

"Lasko…"

"Yes?"

"I have to go soon— may… may I…" 

"Hm…?" Cam whispered "May I kiss you?"

"Oh! Um— y-ye-yes. Yes please." Cam chuckled a little.

"Thank you." And then they were kissing. And oh wow Cam's lips were soft. And warm. He was so close… what did he smell like? Some kind of spice that Lasko couldn’t identify. And lotuses. He smelled like lotuses. Lasko was tingling from head to toes, tunnel vision on Cam's lips and his lips.

Finally they broke away.

"I have to go. I’ll message you later… be well, dearest love."

Don’t touch me, I am soft. I love them together so much. Anyway, first time really posting any of my fanfic online, so pleeeeeaaassee be kind to me.

[scenefox2003]

“Can I call you dad?”

Aka I found out that “master” can mean the same thing as prince/princess and I’m losing my shit

Andrias lounged contentedly in his throne, leafing through yet another book that could give some answers on the stones or the three temples. He wasn’t finding much, but he enjoyed reading, so it didn’t bother him.

“King Andrias?” A voice called from the end of the room, interrupting his reading. But he didn’t mind, he recognized the voice immediately and smiled.

“Master Marcy! Come in, come in!”

Marcy was peeking her head through the massive doorway, as she always did when she asked to come in. Andrias loved it when she did that, it made her look comically tiny. But even from afar, something seemed off about her. Her expression was less curious and more… nervous. This was made even more apparent when she walked into the room. She usually ran down the hallway eagerly to greet him, but now she walked slowly, almost hesitantly, pulling her cape tighter around herself and wringing the fabric in her hands. Andrias had come to recognize that as a sort of nervous stim of hers, something she did to soothe herself.

Once she’d reached the throne, Andrias picked her up by her cape and sat her on his knee, their usual configuration for conversations.

“It’s good to see you! Things have been so busy recently, hm?”

Marcy nodded, not making eye contact. Of course, this was normal for her, but it seemed more significant this time. Andrias frowned.

“Are you alright?” He asked, concerned. “You seem worried about something.”

Marcy pulled her cape even tighter, and hunched her shoulders.

“Yeah, I’m okay. I just… have a question, that’s all.”

“Okay then, shoot!”

Marcy didn’t match his lighthearted attitude.

“This is dumb,” she laughed nervously. “I’m probably just overthinking things, but uh… I was reading up on Newtopian royalty and traditions and stuff like that, and uh… you know how you call me Master Marcy?” Andrias nodded. “Well apparently the ‘Master’ title is for the king’s child… and I was wondering if that meant… anything…” Marcy pulled her hood over her head, hiding her face. “Like I said, it’s dumb! I’m probably just being stupid and making things awkward like I always do, but-“

Andrias smiled, and gently pulled Marcy’s hood back down.

“You could never be stupid, Marcy,” he said kindly, rubbing her head with his finger. “And nothing is awkward. You’re all good.” He paused for a second, trying to figure out what to say next. He was admittedly a little bashful that Marcy had found that out. “And… yes, that is what that title means, you are correct. If you don’t like it, I can stop calling you that-“

“No!” Marcy immediately shouted, pulling the edge of his sleeve. She quickly let go, embarrassed. “I like it, a lot, actually. it’s funny, I-“ her voice cracked, and she tried desperately to hold back tears. “This is weird, I shouldn’t be telling you this but…” she squeezed her eyes shut, and a tear rolled down her nose. Andrias gasped softly, taken aback.

“Marcy, Marcy… Don’t cry…” she let out a sob, and Andrias placed a massive, comforting hand on her back. “Oh sweetheart… you can tell me anything, you know that? I won’t judge you.”

Marcy tensed and hunched her shoulders, then spilled her guts out.

“I just… sometimes, I wish you were my dad instead of my real dad, and I think about what it would be like if I was born here and if things would’ve been better, and I daydream about it a lot, and it feels so stupid and wrong but I-”

“Shhhhhh,” he cooed, “it’s alright, you’re alright. You don’t need to be ashamed of any of that. I’m glad you told me.”

“You are?”

“Mhm. I’m honored you think so highly of me.”

“Well, it’s not like my father set the bar very high…” Andrias let out a hearty laugh at that, nearly bouncing her off his knee. “…but yeah, I really do,” she finished. “Would it- um… would it be okay if I called you dad?” She asked shyly, wrapping her cape around herself again. Andrias smiled.

“You can call me whatever you’d like.”

Marcy smiled, and Andrias did his best to wipe her tears away.

“Now, no more tears. Why don’t we go grab Yunan and Olivia and play a game of lawn darts?”

“Aren’t they working?”

“I’m their boss, they’re only working when I say they’re working.” Marcy giggled, and Andrias grinned and lifted her onto his shoulder. “Now come on, Master Marcy! Let's go have some fun.”

[harcove]

you uh. wouldn't mind an angst request would you haha because I have had this one scenario stuck in my head where leon (probably resi 6 leon) has been drinking a lot more and has been neglecting his s/o and they finally call him out on his shit

anyway ooga booga they fight and decide it's best they give leon his space and take a break and maybe he finds them at a bar he goes to to get wasted to already find them drunk off their ass

Angst is absolutely one of my most favourite things to write and to read like damn I do be out here making myself CRY. So I definitely don't mind angst like hell yeah!

I was gonna end this was a happier note- but uh, I really love angst so I left it semi-open ended but also pretty sad I think. Also not really dialogue-heavy, more like... I write too much detail-heavy :,) Also this isn't edited, I spent days on this cause I was overthinking it and felt it was just not good so oof I'm sorry!

Length: 2k

Request: in the ask

Warnings: angst, drinking, lowkey it's alcoholism on Leon's part, being drunk

Leon x Reader - "I know."

How long had it been since you had held your boyfriend's hand? Since the two of you had really sat together and done something together, fully, completely, involved, and focused on one another. You didn't even remember, which was agonizing to think about.

You had been through so much with Leon. And you knew where his deepest thought lay, but you could never truly know. And it didn't help that over the years the two of you had together, he had started to become more distant. And instead of finding his comfort in your arms, he found it in some glass bottle.

At first, you didn't really protest much, you didn't say much about it. A drink every once in a while couldn't hurt. Yet, it wasn't every once in a while. It was more often than you'd have liked. And he was using it to forget. To focus on anything else but his life and his memories. Your soft words trying to talk to him didn't do much to stop him or dissuade him. He brushed you off more often than not. It tore you up from the inside out that you couldn't help him, that at some point a bottle was his chosen form of comfort over you.

The guilt mixed with sadness, and then with anger. And in the end, those feelings came together and created an explosion between the two of you one night.

Your throat was hoarse as you swallowed as much air as you could. You couldn't exactly remember what the argument stemmed from but you knew it had to be related to him drinking.

"Will you just listen to me?!" You shouted, the words coming out uneven as your throat begged you to stop, "put that shit down Leon, and look at me!"

The man sitting at the aisle in your kitchen put the flask he had down in front of him, but still had his hands on it. He turned his head to look at you, barely even moving at all, and his eyes were looking at you like he was unimpressed or annoyed.

"I'm listening."

You wanted to pull on your hair and scream because he wasn't. He wasn't listening, and he hadn't been, at least not for a while.

"No you aren't, you are not listening to a word I say, you never do!"

He scoffed, turning back to his drink and taking another sip.

"Where am I going on Friday?"

"What?" He looked at you incredulously, completely lost as your voice went from yelling at him to speaking relatively peacefully, but there was no peace in your voice.

"I said, where am I going on Friday, Leon," you repeated with clenched fists, "if you listen to me if you even bother to pay attention to me, you would know the answer. So where am I going on Friday?"

The silence was your answer, as you expected it to be, you just hadn't expected it to be so painful.

"I'm going to visit my family in the town over," your voice was low and tired, and you wanted to cry but you couldn't even find it in you to do that, "I told you that a thousand times Leon I..."

Biting your lip hard, you felt yourself break skin, and the metallic taste of blood invaded your taste buds. You were so angry at him moments before, angry enough you had been yelling. But suddenly you weren't angry anymore. You were just so sad; sad for yourself and sad for him. He wasn't going to listen to you, not right now, that much was clear.

"I've been busy Y/N-" whatever he said was wasted on deaf ears as you drowned them out unintentionally, your eyes trained on the flask he nursed.

For once, you knew you had to let it be. You had to give him space, and give yourself space.

"I'm sleeping in the guest room," you offered lamely after the long silence between the two of you after he had finished whatever he had said. Leon looked up at you, with a look of surprise, and confusion, "we both need space. From each other. I just... Don't stay up drinking all night."

"Y/N-" his words once again fell upon deaf ears, and his fingers just missed your arm as you turned and went upstairs to the room usually used by people like Claire, or Chris, sometimes Sherry.

When morning came, you had gotten up later than usual, Leon was already gone as he usually was early in the morning with his job and everything. Your heart felt heavier as you walked into the empty kitchen and noted the vodka bottle you two had been given as a gift was half empty. Something in you asked if it was all worth it; did it really do so much that he drank more than he should've? Did it take away the feelings of hopelessness, like the one you were currently stuck in?

Those were the thoughts that followed you the entire day as you went about your routine. They followed you all the way to the spare bedroom of one of your old friend's homes as you decided you and Leon needed to take a break. If you didn't do that, you feared you would only lose him completely. Or lose yourself. It was exhausting.

But what was even more exhausting was not seeing him. You worried for him, and even if you sometimes felt like he didn't, he worried for you.

It would take about a week before something would crack, before the storm that had been brewing between you two, the one that laid dormant after you walked out to take from your relationship, would begin to thunder again, but in a much different way.

"We're here to have fun," your friend who had been letting you stay over said as she pushed a shot of... something into your hands, leaning against the bar from your side while you said on one of the barstools, "and loosen up. You specifically."

You rolled your eyes; this wasn't in your plan for the day, going to a bar. But it was more than you had done in the past week now. Your routine consisted of going to work and heading back to your friends. Nothing more, nothing less.

You wanted Leon. But you couldn't have him right now. You were still upset, and you didn't even know if he wanted you right now. Everything was a mess.

Things seemed to blur together over the course of the night in the bar, your friend insisting on you trying each new drink she got, some not new too. You had had one drink that you ordered of your own volition, and it had been a regular bottle of beer. But the shots your friend got for you two, and the sips of the drinks your friend ordered, culminated into more than you realized and you could say you were a bit more than just tipsy.

For some reason though, your friend seemed to be chugging along much better than you, you must've been a lightweight.

You hadn't even seen your friend in a while, but you also were so out of it that you couldn't exactly comprehend time properly at that current moment in time.

A hand on your arm and a familiar voice seemed to sober you a bit as your eyes met familiar blue, but they were clouded over with pain, with worry. Confusion too, and a bit of shock. Your fingers twitched, aching to touch his arm. His face. To smooth the furrow that seemed to be etching itself into his brow, threatening to become a new and permanent feature.

But the sober feeling you experienced also stopped you from doing any of the above. Rather, your body stiffened a bit and you pulled away from his touch, only barely missing the look of hurt that glided over his features as you did so.

"L-Leon?" the alcohol in your system made it sound more like you were questioning if he was real rather than saying his name, "What are you-"

The question you were going to ask didn't even need to be finished. It didn't even need an answer from him, because even if you were drunk, you knew Leon. And you knew why he was there.

"Oh," you couldn't help but scoff, "you want my drink? It'll start you off-"

Leon wasn't going to pretend that he hadn't come to the bar to drink away his sorrows; to forget all the pain he held onto and the nightmares he couldn't escape, and now the pain of not having you around. But when he walked in and saw you? Something in him stopped. Something in him twisted and he felt nauseous and for once it wasn't because of a hangover, but it was because of you.

You looked so miserable. Not that you realized you were wearing your heart on your sleeve at the bar, with the dejected look on your face and the limp hand holding onto a beverage you clearly didn't enjoy. Whilst at the same time, you looked empty.

Is that what you saw? Is that what he looked like to you when he was drinking? When he was at home or at a bar, focusing on anything but reality?

Leon didn't want a drink anymore, he wanted to get you out of a place that didn't suit you whatsoever. He wanted to take you home, he didn't want you to be him.

"You didn't come here alone, did you?" He cut off whatever you were trying to say as he looked into your eyes sternly.

"What? N-no I'm not stupid... I came here with a friend."

It didn't take long for Leon to figure out the friend because he spotted her coming near the bar, and recognized her.

"Hey, I'm taking Y/N home," Leon tried to not sound aggressive when he spoke, but it may have only made him sound more upset.

"Leon? Oh, ya, of course. Are you two...?"

"We'll be fine," Leon replied as he helped you stand up, "thanks for being with them."

He hadn't just meant in the bar but in the past week. It was left unsaid, but it was laid bare.

As much as you wanted to pull away from the man who gently wrapped one of his strong arms around your waist, and used the other to hold your arm behind his neck, you couldn't. You didn't have the strength to, and you missed him.

Leon was glad he had taken the car and not his motorcycle. There was no way in hell he would've been able to keep you on a motorcycle all the way back to your home that you shared, or well, you hadn't for the past week. But that wasn't the point.

"You're so mean Leon..." you mumbled as he helped you get into the passenger seat of the car. He all but carried you into it like a child and leaned across you to put your seat belt on. You leaned your face into his neck as he did so, breathing deeply.

"I just... Want you to be happy," you continued sloppily, "but you won't... Let me in..."

Leon's breathing stopped for a moment as he stilled, his hand still on the seatbelt he had just finished putting you in. He quickly pulled himself together and pulled back, adjusting the belt on your body so it wasn't digging into your lazy form, but it was still doing its job.

"I know."

There was so much more he could say, but he couldn't.  He wasn't sure if he ever could.

He settled himself into the driver's seat and got ready to start the car up.

"I still love you though..." your words were slurred as you rested your head on the car window, feeling your eyes grow heavier.

"I..." Leon's hand was turning white at the knuckles from how hard he was holding the steering wheel. He didn't deserve you. And you didn't deserve this.

"I know..."