#but oh my GOD with greatsword it's so fucking back

[the-punforgiven]

Y'know how people always talk about weed being a "gateway drug" that leads into doing heavier and heavier drugs as you go on?

That's what longsword was to me, I tried fighting with a greatsword yesterday and I can't go back, I need another hit already lol

[lwde-encrusted-sideblog]

Something something Pyrrha kabedon Jaune which leads to- whatever happens next, I don't know.

Jaune: ... So then you have a choice - Join the Legion, Follow Mister House, join the NCR, or be a wildcard - take The Strip for yourself!

Pyrrha: *Not understanding anything he's saying* That's a neat way to take the story! What did you ch- *Sees a spider on the Wall near Jaune*

Pyrrha: Look out! *Kills spider, kabedoning Jaune in the process*

Jaune: *Blushing* Th-Thanks Pyrrha ...

Pyrrha: ... Jaune?

Jaune: Y-Yes?

Pyrrha: What's Poking my thigh?

Jaune: ... C-Crocea Mors?

Pyrrha: *Grabbing his Bulge* Oh Jaune~ I don't like it When people lie to me~

Jaune: P-PYRRHA?

Pyrrha: But if you do have another sword, You should let me help train you!~

Jaune: ...

Pyrrha: And what a Greatsword it is~

Pyrrha: I'm going to MILK you.

~~~~~

Pyrrha: *Slamming Jaune's hips into hers, Amazon Position* FUCK! YOU HID THIS FROM ME!

Jaune: PyrrhaPyrrhaPyrrhaPyrrhaPyrrha!

Pyrrha: GODS DAMN! YOU HIT SO DEEP!

Jaune: *Aura Flaring*

Pyrrha: NO MORE HOLDING BACK JAUNE! LET IT OUT!

Jaune: PYYYRRHAA! S-SLOW DOWN!

Pyrrha: CUM JAUNE!

Jaune: WHAT IF YOU GET PREGNANT!

Pyrrha: THAT'D BE FANTASTIC!

Jaune: P-Pyrrha!

Pyrrha: *SLAM* CUM *SLAM* IN-*SLAM* SIDE! *SLAMSLAMSLAM*

Jaune: O-O-OH FFFFFUUUUUUHHHH!

Jaune Came, and Came Hard, at the same time Pyrrha did, her vice-like grip on his dick nearly breaking it, as the two collapsed into a sweaty, smelly, heaving pile.

Pyrrha: *Cups Jaune's Nuts* These are Mine. You got that? No other girls, only Me.

Jaune: Y-Yeah.

Pyrrha: Are the sore?

Jaune: Yeah ...

Pyrrha: then let me take care of them~

She began gently sucking on the wrung-out testes, almost completely drained from the near religious experience Jaune just had.

[jordansgarden]

the seas couldn't keep me from you ⋆｡♡

mommy? sorry.

AAAANYWAYS im in love, she and i are girlfriends and ning is our third shared girlfriend. and kazuha's my boyfriend.

cw: few sexual themes, stupid nicknames lmao, drunk beidou in the hcs, poly relationship w bei and ning, just some fun fluff

this woman oh my god she is so bossy but it's like a hot way ykwim like she'll order you around and you'll be like "yes mommy"

she uses stupid nicknames for everyone. shut up no one asked you.

beidou loves drinking, have you seen her??? ever??? sometimes though, she'll be drinking someone under the table and yeah her tolerance is huge just like her cock but she's still fucked up

you have to carry her home. no, no you have to. you're not weak, you're dating her. oh? you thought she was your big strong protector? no dumbass she's the one dragging you into shit and you get yourself out.

you two'll be out on some mission ning sent you on and beidou will be standing right next to a tripwire and she'll literally look right at it and be like "wouldn't it be funny if i tripped it?"

you have to either stare her down or beg to get her to not. one time she was going to waltz on into a fatui camp cause she thought it was funny and she could take them all (which she totally could but ning would crucify the both of you) and you went "i'll let you eat me out if you don't."

the way she got on her knees. this isn't even a joke i'm being fr she got on her knees and looked up with that starry look that screamed "i'm madly in love with you".

anyway, she would try to trip a wire on purpose and you'd be the one making sure she didn't try to face tank a bomb.

point is, you're strong and used to her. so you carry her back to whatever inn you're staying at and the entire time she'll be mumbling shit.

"mmmmhaha~! hi pumpkinn, how you doin'?" "ya'know what, we should get married in inazuma, 'cause eternity and shit! kazuha can be our flower girl!!"

"cherry berry sweetie pie?" goofy ahh nicknames left right and center. you knew beidou was about to ask something wildly stupid.

without looking up, you continued to rummage through the large pile of papers. who knew the fatui loved paperwork? "do not touch it."

"wha- you don't even know what i was gonna say!" "i know it'll be dumb and the obvious answer is no. don't trip any wires, don't pull alarms, nothing." "c'monn, this is so boring though! moralicious is just making us do this cause she's mad i let you finish and not her, even though SHE was the one who did without permission and-"

hearing a noise, you pulled her to the entrance, hiding on the edge and covered her mouth. "mmph-!" "shh." you whispered straight into her ear, keeping an eye on the entrance to the cave the two of you were searching. "someone's coming."

beidou pulled your hand off, sticking her tongue out at you. you stayed unfazed, keeping a hand on your dagger. she noticed, and saw a little tassel charm on the handle. the charm was the one she gave you!!

"you kept it!" "bei', shut up. you'll give us away ag-"

"HEY! WHO'S IN THERE?!"

"..shit." laughing, beidou stepped out into the entrance and drew her greatsword.

"come and get me!"

you sighed and pulled out your sword, realizing you two were not getting out of this with just one casualty. she was going to get herself injured just for the fun of it and you gotta clean up the pieces, but it's okay because you secretly enjoyed it too.

but ning was not very happy.

[thebawdybaldurian]

BG3FicFeb Day 17

SFW: Tav and crew battle the God of Death in a brief drabble.

NSFW: Tav and Astarion enjoy some post-netherbrain roleplaying, with some sexy vampire/virgin overtones.

SFW: Tav meets one of the Dead Three in the flesh

“Oh fuck!” Tav stared up at the monstrous creature that arose from where Thorm had fallen. “What the fuck is that?”

“I…think that’s Myrkul…” Jaheira frowned, her twin swords still held aloft.

“The actual God of Death…shit,” Astarion stared, mouth agape, still trying to help Tav up off the ground.

Dame Aylin’s radiant form streaked across the large room as he got Tav back to her feet, pulling her close. “At least we have her,” he added as she swooped down in front of them, the rush of her wings rustling their hair and clothing.

“Get behind me!” Aylin held her greatsword aloft, casting a protective aura around them.

The hulking skeletal god turned towards them, conjuring an enormous scythe in its bony hand. “Move!” Jaheira yelled as Myrkul slashed the scythe down between them, narrowly missing them all as they rolled away.

“How the hell do we fight a God?” Tav yelled.

“I will lead the charge!” Aylin called. “Keep moving and do not let its death touch reach you!”

They followed closely behind the Aasimar, her radiant blows staggering the avatar of Myrkul enough that they could conjure their own attacks. They were all exhausted and injured, but still supported one another as best they could. The avatar finally crumbled after one final blow from Aylin, a death rattle echoing through the entire chamber. They gathered up as group, conjuring as much healing magic as they could before Aylin opened a portal to get them out of the Mindflayer colony.

“Take the Netherstone,” the Dream Visitor’s voice echoed in Tav’s head.

Thorm lay face down, the stone affixed to his breastplate. She went to roll him over, finding that his body had begun to rapidly decay without the Death God’s blessing. “I’m going to be sick,” she turned away, already feeling ill from pure exhaustion.

“I’ll get it,” Shadowheart volunteered, prying the stone out with her dagger. “Keep it safe,” she handed it to Tav.

They returned back to the Moonrise, finding that Zevlor and the others had already gotten out and had joined the Harpers in the main hall. They would discuss their next step after everyone had rested and healed a bit. Tav, Halsin, and Astarion found their way to Ketheric’s old chambers, quickly stripping off their armor and crawling into the large bed to rest, recover, and just enjoy each other’s company, thankful to be alive.

NSFW: Creative Use of Magic/Magical Objects

Content and Warnings: Male elf x female elf. Masturbation, magical manipulation of a vagina, virginity/vampire kink, mild ageplay, roleplay, oral sex, PIV sex, anal and vaginal fingering.

Tav and Astarion arrived at the inn that sat along the road between Neverwinter and Luskan. They stowed their horses in the stable as usual and headed straight up to their room once they’d checked in. “Let’s get you in a warm bath, hm?” Tav kissed his icy lips, rubbing her fingers across his cheeks. The cold was much worse for him and even bundled up, the biting winds would get to him easily.

“Maybe we can stay in Luskan until Spring…if this cure doesn’t work out,” he shivered slightly, beginning to strip off his many layers.

“Let’s just hope that it does and go from there,” Tav removed her cloak and overcoat, going to stow it in the closet.

The door she opened was actually to a smaller room that had a single bed, likely for a child or servant. “They gave us an extra room,” she walked inside it, closing the shutters on the large window so the rising sun wouldn’t shine in. “Hmmm,” she looked around, an idea already brewing in her mind.

“Oh good, more room for my shoes,” he joked, leaning on the doorway, watching as she plopped down on the small bed. She reclined on her side with a seductive smile. “What’ve you got brewing in that little head of yours?” He could see her thinking, her hand always gently stroking her throat when she did.

“The other night…after we met my parents…we talked about a little roleplaying we might do, if this cure is real…” she grinned.

“The night you drained my balls completely?” He grinned, sauntering over to her.

“Mmmmhmm,” she purred as he climbed on top of her, hovering above.

“Spider-climbing to the innocent virgin’s window?” He leaned down, nipping her bottom lip between his teeth.

“The window is big enough for you to fit through…and this bed is small enough...”

“You mentioned something else getting smaller too…” he pressed himself against her a little more.

“Maybe I can do a little…experimenting, while you are in the tub?”

“You aren’t going to join me?”

“Eventually,” she grinned widely.

“I’ll leave you to it then,” he gave her a kiss, the porter knocking on the door of their room with hot water.

He shut the door behind him with a wide grin, leaving her some privacy while he got the bath prepared. She finished undressing and lay back down, spreading her legs a little. She would need to focus precisely on shrinking the size of her vaginal canal or else her whole body would just get smaller. She gently guided a few fingers inside herself, making the motion of the spell with them still inside her. She instantly felt the tightness around her fingers, her canal now feeling much smaller. She let out a pleased laugh at her idea working, letting her fingers gently circle around the new tightness. She felt full with just her fingers, letting her other hand slid to her clit. “Mmmmmpppphhh,” she pleasured herself slowly, playing around with the depth of her fingers as well. It might be a little snug for his thick cock, but the spell would only last a minute and then she’d return to her usual size. “Ahhh,” she let out a little moan as she felt herself enlarge again, her fingers no longer filling her. She was able to move them around more however, beckoning her fingers towards her g-spot as she rubbed her clit. She brought herself quickly to orgasm, wanting to join him in the bath. She sunk against the bed for a moment, letting her climax wash over her and then got up to join him.

“Sounds like it worked?” He grinned devilishly at her from the tub as she opened the door. The quiet little moans from the other side of the door had already caused him to stir.

“I think it did,” she smiled, climbing into the tub with him. “It won’t last long….but…do you want to try it…tonight?”

“I’ll need a little more fresh blood to be able to spider-climb…but…”

“Say no more,” she shifted around, leaning over him and pushing her hair aside. She eyed his hard cock with a smile, letting her fingers tickle it as he pulled her closer to drink from her. She squeezed her hand around his cock as he bit down on her, eliciting a happy moan from him. She stroked him slowly as he fed on her, his mouth pulling away when he’d had enough.

“Mmmm,” he sighed happily as he licked her blood off his lips, her hand taking complete control of his cock. “You know…ummm…I might miss this a little…feeding on you…it’s very…uhhhh…intimate.”

“It is,” she smiled, watching his mouth fall open as she continued to stroke him. “I’m sure we can get creative though,” she leaned down to kiss him. She could taste just the hint of her metallic blood on his tongue, sucking it gently as she stroked him faster. “Let’s get you drained and go to bed,” she gripped his balls tightly, stroking him vigorously until he erupted into the water with low moan. “All warmed up now?” She smiled, nibbling on his happy pink ears.

“Very much so,” he laughed, gripping her wet skin with his fingers.

They got out of the bath and dried off before climbing into bed together to take their four hour trances. She’d gotten used to sleeping during the day with him, but she still frequently woke up before him. She stayed nestled next to him until he awoke and then they went downstairs so she could eat. There was a small sundries shop down the road that Tav wanted to check out, so Astarion returned to their room as she went off. As much as he would miss the closeness and intimacy of feeding on her life’s blood, he’d much rather be able to walk in the sunlight with her again.

The shop had a surprising variety of goods for how small the little settlement was. She restocked a few vital supplies and spied an adorable long-sleeve chemise that would fit well with their planned roleplay. It was modest and demure, perfect for the role of a virginal nymph who’d be surprised by a seductive stranger. She normally slept naked with him, so this would add a little something extra. In addition to the chemise, she bought some nail lacquer and rouge. She hadn’t really brought anything to get dolled up with, as they’d been on horseback or confined to an inn for most of their journey.

She returned to their room in the inn, hiding her ‘costume’ in the spare room and then joined him to read on the small settee. She eventually switched to doing some writing as he finished his book. As it neared dark, they headed downstairs again so Tav could eat a rich dinner. He would need a little more blood from her in order to spider-climb, so she filled up with plenty of protein to help restore her blood supply. They slipped away to a dark corner so he could take his last drink from her and then he went out to explore a bit of the settlement now that it was dark. She went back up to their room to prepare for him.

She undressed, looking at herself in the mirror for a moment. She was still quite young for an elf, but her adventures had left little scars and imperfections on her. She thought back to the days when she was still unblemished and a virginal. She’d been a shy child, her parents content to have a quiet and studious daughter they could ignore, without caring about how isolated she was. Having few friends and no suitors as she’d grown up, she’d only known her own touch when she began attending the Bard’s College. There she’d been thrown head first into debauchery, pleasure, and excess. She slipped into it easily, finally fulfilling all the desires that she’d kept hidden under the covers, doing only to herself and written in her secret journals.

She brushed her long hair smooth, not quite the same waist-length she’d worn in her younger days, but getting closer. She put it in a loose braid that would drape over her shoulder and then painted her nails. She rouged her cheeks and lips slightly, giving them an anticipatory, youthful blush. She decided to the do the same on her nipples, making them slightly more than their rosy pink. She slipped the chemise on, already feeling a bit like that lonely girl who would’ve given anything for a handsome stranger to appear at her window. She knew it was an overused trope, so overdone in some many trashy novels, but she didn’t mind a little trash from time to time.

She pulled back the covers of the single bed and opened the shutters so he could peek in at her. They hadn’t agreed on when exactly he’d come, but she already felt a nervous excitement vibrating through her body. She lit a single candle so the room would have a little more ambience. She climbed into the small bed, taking her journal with her. She planned to fully embrace the role, beginning to write down some girlish fantasies that she might have had when she was younger.

Astarion browsed the sundries shop before it closed, buying her a small little trinket that he stowed in his pocket. Then he headed over to the small tavern to have a drink. It was fairly empty, but there were a few dedicated all-day drinkers, some folks who had just gotten off work and needed to unwind, and a couple trying to drink up the courage to make something happen. He found a secluded corner to enjoy his wine, watching all the curious creatures of the night he had formerly stalked for Cazador. A young shop girl sat at the bar facing his direction, a few interested boys chatting her up casually, but her eyes kept wandering over to him, alone in his dark corner.

He smiled a little, knowing that without Tav, this would likely be his normal life. Haunting a different tavern each night, looking for someone to pull into an alley and drain. He couldn’t have just gone to the Underdark with all the other spawn. He needed the nightlife, the humming ambience of a tavern, the attention. His life with Tav was a perfect balance of that. He could sit in a tavern or theater, watching her perform, enjoying the ego boost of lingering glances and attempted introductions as he sat alone. He’d revel in the satisfaction of the lustful and longing stares of those who watched and desired her, knowing that she only shared herself with one other man aside from him.

Another group of loud young women came in, pulling away the attention of the two boys, who went to pursue the more boisterous prospects. The shop girl glanced at him again, clearly working up the courage to approach him. He would let her down gently and then head off to find his own ‘virgin’ waiting for him. She finally climbed off her barstool, straightening her skirts a little and then tentatively walked by his table. “Pleasant evening,” she smiled shyly at him as he gave her a passing nod.

“It is,” he smiled back as she paused at his table, her hands clasped nervously in front of her. “How are you enjoying it?”

“It’s…” she looked around the quiet tavern. “Boring….What about you? You’re sitting all alone…are you…meeting someone here?”

“Meeting someone elsewhere,” he nodded as her smile faded slightly from disappointment. “As soon as I finish this,” he held up his wine glass. “May I buy you a drink before I go?”

“Ummm, sure,” she squeezed her hands together in a nervous fidget.

“Please, sit,” he motioned for her to sit at his table as he got up to get her a drink. “What would you like?”

“Whatever you were having,” Her cheeks blushed a little, glancing over at the table where the boys that had been chatting her up now sat.

He went to the bar, not ordering the heavy, austere wine he’d been drinking, knowing she would hate it. He brought back a glass of something slightly sweet and fruity, setting it next to her hand, but not sitting back down with her. “Someday, someone will come in here and recognize your beauty and sweep you off your feet, my dear, I promise,” he said sweetly to her and grabbed his overcoat off his chair.

“Thank you,” she blushed even deeper. “For the wine. I hope you enjoy the rest of your evening.”

“You as well,” he left her with a final polite nod.

He walked back towards the inn, stuffing his hands in his pockets to keep his hands warm, a heat already growing through the rest of his body. He slipped down the alley that the spare room window faced, glancing up at the soft light coming from it. He tested his grip on the wall, feeling he could spider-climb for a least a few hours with Tav’s fresh, rich blood inside him. He climbed up carefully, settling himself on the wall beside the window, peeking in slowly.

She lay reclined in bed, the covers pulled back while she wrote in her journal. She wore an unfamiliar chemise, that hid most of her body from him. “How virginal,” he smiled to himself as he watched her. She stroked the back of the pen along her chest when she paused her writing, her lip scrunching slightly as she was thinking. Even though he knew her body intimately, inside and out, she appeared the perfect, untouched girl right now. She was a fantastic actress who could slip into any role he desired of her. He watched her for a little while longer, as she began to look a little impatient, shifting her body a little and lingering more during her writing pauses. He tapped gently on the window, either truly startling her or letting her flex her acting muscles. She clutched a hand to her chest, covering the tented fabric around her hardened nipples. “Who’s there?” She gasped, trying to hide a smile, squinting at the window. She got up slowly, taking the candle off the bedside table and approached the window. He touched his hand to the glass, smiling at her seductively. She pressed her hand to the other side, trying her best to look demure and slightly scared. She finally unlatched the window, opening it slightly. “Who are you? How did you get up there?” She asked quietly.

“You can call me Astarion, my sweet,” he purred at her.

“How long have you been watching me, Astarion?” She blushed.

“Too long,” he whispered, creeping a little closer to the opening. “What is your name?”

“Clataedre,” she said shyly.

“A charming rose,” he smiled, using the literal meaning of her elven name. “Does your rose blush, Clataedre?” He bit his lip slightly.

“What do you mean?” She blushed even deeper, letting a finger tease along the neck of her chemise, as her arms still covered her breasts.

“Perhaps I can come in and look?”

“You want to come…in?” She let out a breathy sigh, enjoying playing the coquette.

“Only if you want me to…”

“I…think I do…want you….to come in,” she stepped away from the window, opening it fully for him, the cool air making her skin prickle and her nipples harden even more.

He climbed inside as she slowly backed up towards the bed, her fingers gripping nervously at the sides of her chemise. ‘Gods she is good,’ he smiled to himself as he shut the window behind him, keeping his gaze fixed on her. “Lay down on the bed for me, Clataedre,” he ordered.

She nodded, moving her journal out of the way, which he took from her. “What were you writing, my sweet beauty?” he glanced down at the open page, his eye immediately catching the word ‘cock’ written several times. “Hmmm,” he grinned widely, looking down at her from the foot of the bed. “He took his hand and slid it gently down my stomach, leaving me tingling in anticipation…” he read some of the smutty little story she’d been writing. “You…naughty little thing.” She shifted a little in the bed, still blushed deeply. “Has anyone ever…left you tingling in anticipation before?”

“No,” she said quietly, pressing her thumb to her lip to chew nervously on. “They are just stories…”

“Why not?” He set the journal down on the edge of the bed and leaned onto the footboard slightly. “Are you a virgin?”

“Yes,” she squirmed nervously, hiding her face a little in her hand. Her little act was making him rock hard already. “I’m…shy…so I just stay up here and write…about what I want…”

“Do you…want me, my little dove?” He grinned widely. “I can…show you what you are missing…”

She broke character for just a second, letting out an excited grunt, which she played off into a giggle. She was absolutely throbbing already. “Is that a yes?” He leaned further onto the footboard, ready to crawl onto the bed.

“Yes,” she said sharply, taking an excited breath.

“Pull your chemise above your waist,” he ordered, eyeing her hungrily.

She obeyed, pulling the fabric up slowly, revealing her slick, pink sex. There was nothing virginal about the honey covering every inch of her excitement. “Hmmm, look at you,” he popped his tongue against his palate. “Your rose does blush.”

He climbed onto the bed, moving slowly up her body until he reached the fragrant musk of her arousal. He teased his thumb along one of the excited lips, watching as her breath quivered into quiet huffs. He parted her legs slightly, letting his tongue barely tease against her.

“Ahhh,” she gasped a little. She didn’t have to pretend much, she’d been anticipating his touch and he was teasing her with precision.

“Do you like that?” He whispered, letting his tongue press a little firmer against her slick folds.

“Mmmmhmm,” she held in her breath, waiting for the next lick.

“Pull your chemise up more…let me see your breasts,” he ordered again, taking a long, slow sample of her honey on his tongue.

She shifted a little, pulling the chemise from underneath her as well, moving it past her still excited nipples. He grinned widely at their extra pink hue, seeing she had done the same to her cheeks and lips. He was throbbing to fuck her, but he kept his mouth between her legs for moment longer. She writhed quietly as he licked and sucked on her, letting his hand rub her clit. “Are you going to be this shy and quiet when I fuck you?” He looked up at her.

“If…you want me to be,” she replied quietly, unable to hide her grin.

“I want to hear you,” he asked, moving up her body and hovering over her, his clothed erection pressing against her wet mound.

“Okay,” she whispered as he teased his tongue across her lips, using it to part them as he kissed her.

He reached down to his trousers so he could unbutton himself and she subtly snuck her hand down as well, ready to conjure the spell inside her. He pulled his aching cock out, their hands colliding as she slipped her fingers inside for the spell and he swept up a bit of her honey to slick over his cock. They shared a knowing smile out of character and then resumed their roles. “Are you ready for me, Clataedre?” He asked as she furtively slid her fingers out of herself and gripped the bedsheet, the spell prepared for him.

“Ready,” she held an anticipatory breath in as he pressed his cock to her entrance.

He let out a low grunt, the tightness of her almost uncomfortable if he slid in any faster. He eased into her slowly, watching as her mouth fell open with each inch of him that squeezed inside her. She let out a low whimper as he reached the hilt of his cock, overstuffing her tightened canal.

“I’m not hurting you, am I?” He checked in on her. She was so tight that he could barely stand it, his cock already begging to erupt into her snug warmth.

“No,” she squeaked out, feeling about as full as when she took both her lovers in each of her holes. It was on the border of pleasure and pain.

He nodded, easing out of her a little and then back in, as slowly as he could stand. As soon she opened to her normal size, he knew he was going to have to fuck her hard. He enjoyed the tightness for now, grunting lowly as he fucked her gently. It was slow and brief and then he felt her enlarge to her normal, comfortable size and smiled widely, pressing more of his weight on her and kissing her hungrily. “I’m going to fucking ruin you,” he hissed, gripping her hips tighter, beginning to move his cock faster and with harder thrusts.

“Oh!” She let out a low, guttural moan, finally releasing her shy grip on the sheets and letting her fingers claw into his skin, also unable to keep up the act any longer. She wanted him so much. “Gods…fuck…oh…yes…fuck me so hard,” she moaned loudly, beginning to move her hips with his, the hard slapping of their bodies impacting together adding to the choir of their moans. The small bed creaked loudly as they fucked with hungry abandon, not used to such weight or force.

“Ummm…fuck, Tav…I’m…uhhhh…I’m gonna come already…I can’t hold…ummmphhh,” he gritted his teeth, trying to hold back his climax so she could join him, but he erupted uncontrollably in an ecstatic shiver. His loud groan was punctuated by the cracking of the bed frame as it snapped in two, sending the mattress and its occupants onto the floor.

Tav burst out laughing as Astarion collapsed on top of her in a satisfied heap, their bodies slightly disjointed from the collapse. He joined her laughs, giggling happily as his climax ebbed away.

“We’re not going to have a place to stay on the way home,” he nuzzled her neck, looking at her with a wide, happy grin.

“Worth it though,” she glowed warmly, the sweat of their vigorous love making dappling her face.

“Sorry, I couldn’t hold back for you,” his slid his soft cock out, replacing it with his fingers. “You just got me so excited.”

“It's okay, we can’t always come together…and I may have rubbed out a quickie waiting for you,” she bit her lip guiltily.

“Oh,” he made an offended gasp.

“What!? I expected you sooner and I got riled up too early writing that little story down. What took you so long?” she asked, her body beginning to move against his fingers.

“There was a shy girl that needed a little boost to her confidence,” he kissed her. “So she didn’t just have to write stories in her bed at night.”

“It turned out alright for me, didn’t it?” She sulked a little, feeling a tinge of jealousy.

“Let’s see,” He removed his hand from her cunt, making her whimper with need. He leaned down to pick up her journal, then lay back down beside her. They shifted their bodies slightly to accommodate the ruined bed under them. “Read it to me,” he handed it to her with a smirk.

She teased her tongue at him, rolling onto her stomach so she could lay the journal flat against the mattress. He gave her ass a good slap as she wiggled it at him, demanding his fingers in her again. “Go on now…” he cooed, letting two fingers slip into her cunt and another into her asshole.

“Mmmmm,” she let out a long sigh, arching her back slightly as he fingered her. “He took his hand and slid it gently down my stomach, leaving me tingling in anticipation. I’d never been fucked before, so I didn’t know what to expect. He brushed his fingers across the…mmmphhh…” she paused as he wedged his other hand under her, pressing his fingers against her throbbing clit.

“Continue,” he whispered, his hands and ears focused on her.

“He brushed his fingers across the little pearl that I polished nightly, my needs never feeling completely satisfied even after…ummmm…even after I…uhhh rubbed it raw…Gods, don’t stop please, love…uhhh. I knew I…hhhhnnn…needed to be fucked to achieve total…ahhhh…satisfactionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn,” she writhed against his hand, her muscles contracting against him.

She continued to circle her hips against the hand he had pressed to her clit, forcing out a final clitoral orgasm with a loud moan. She collapsed completely onto the mattress, pressing her face into the soft padding, muffling her heavy breaths. “Mmmmm,” he rested his head on her back, giving it a soft kiss. “Was that the kind of thing you were writing in your journal when you were still a virgin then?” he teased.

“Oh it was much worse,” she mumbled, rolling back to her side so they could lie face to face. “It was all just drabble written around cocks and cunts and every other dirty word I learned from reading the trashy novels I stole from the library.”

“You little thief, you,” He gently prodded her. “Would you ever…consider doing any…legal roleplay with me? I’m sure I could find some fetching old robes to wear.”

“I’m not sure,” she chewed her lip. “I still have some lingering ick from my previous encounters with the law.”

“The magistrate that propositioned you?” He suddenly remembered, feeling embarrassed at bringing up the subject without thinking.

“Yeah,” she frowned slightly. She’d never forgotten the ugly red cock he’d pulled out in front of her.

“Actually…you don’t happen to remember his name, do you?” Astarion felt another memory lingering in the back of his mind. “You punched him, right?”

“Yep, square in the nose. He was a little troll of a man. Spindly blonde hair and a mustache. Why? Did you know him or something?”

“I…think I might I have brought him to Cazador,” he tried to bring forth the memory. “We were supposed to have a date…but he said a bard who’d been caught sucking cocks in the park punched him.”

“I was streaking, not sucking cocks!” she made a face. “Though that would explain why I never received a summons after I got out of jail…”

“Hmmm,” he mused. “I wonder how many times our paths crossed, but didn’t meet? That would be the second time.”

“Maybe we were just destined to meet on that beach,” she seized one of his curls and twirled it around her finger, feeling herself sinking into deep contemplation. “At the right time and place.”

“Maybe,” he grasped her chin lightly, drawing her focus to him again. “You were exactly who I needed to meet at that moment.”

“Hmm,” she bit into her lip, feeling her eyes getting teary. “You know what I really wrote about in my journals all those nights? It was about you. Exactly you. Someone who understood me completely. Who needed me and who made me feel worthy of being loved by. Someone who made my entire being vibrate with excitement. I've been waiting for you my entire life.” He wiped away the hot tear that streaked down her face, kissing the tip of her nose. “And of course, he would also fuck me into a euphoric state of emotional vulnerability on a regular basis,” she tried to laugh.

“And who has broken two beds in a single trip,” he grinned and pulled her close. “Mmmm I love you so much.”

“I love you.” She squeezed him tightly. “Let’s get off this damn thing and crawl into our own bed.”

[elendsessor]

Whats ur fave monhun game and fave monster in the series? It can be based on the fight itself or aesthetics, whatever u want

for favorite game it’s mh4u hands down. it was technically my first monhun game but i quit playing it not long after i first got it lol. it was back in 2015 and little me couldn’t understand the controls and didn’t even want to try. quarantine made me try the rise demo and eventually buy rise, and while waiting for updates to come out for it since i got super into it, it reminded me that oh yeah i do recognize that series name, found my old copy of 4u, and fell in love. i wish i gave it a chance earlier than i did and want to strangle little me for not trying and getting mad over controls. old school monhun hits so different. absolutely nailed atmosphere and though i still really like where gen 5 took things, i feel like they’re proof that better graphics and models =/= automatically better experience. there’s a charm to older games that i don’t think will ever be captured and that just goes for where modern gaming has gone in general. 4u perfected the look while giving straight up some of the best locals in the series (i love heaven’s mount), the jank is never too, y’know, janky, generally the franchise has fantastic music but the use of wind instruments in 4u’s is mwah, i love the towns, i love the extra stuff, the story might not be the forefront but it’s really solid, the monsters are great, it’s such a damn fantastic game. (also being able to use items on the bottom screen is the best thing ever.) it’s dos 2 electric boogaloo. maybe the day i can finally get frontier to run properly on my pc since i know it’s hard to set up the private server stuff i’ll love it too since it’s also just more of dos and i think that’s a good sign.

favorite monster is so hard tho. elder dragons are inherently interesting and mostly well executed so it feels a lil cheap to say one’s my favorite but fuck it. it’s a three way tie.

while not an elder dragon exactly since it doesn’t have elder dragon status, i love chaotic gore magala. i love the magalas and their lore in general but chaotic amplifies all that. it’s not just the depressing nature of it but the concept of “hey what if this butterfly like monster doesn’t molt properly” is so interesting. sunbreak made it a lot cooler tho since wow it has an ecology intro finally and while the og fight is already one of the best fights it was improved a lot in sb. i don’t really like the sb version of its theme tho. og theme was fantastic the cover of it is pretty mid.

gogmazios is also fantastic. buildup is amazing. this really is the living embodiment of the industrial revolution’s consequences in my mind. lore wise yeah disturbingly cool. love the fight to death it’s perfect. also love the weapon designs especially for the greatsword. what else can i say it’s a big demon kaiju :)

and of course i love shantien. only issue is that i haven’t been able to properly fight him bc frontier technically no longer exists. i’d argue for most games you can get a near full experience from watching a playthrough, but for action games like monster hunter where there’s a lot of depth i don’t think watching gameplay footage gives it justice. (of course playing a game yourself provides the best experience possible in most situations too but especially nowadays it’s not that easy anymore. emulation isn’t as simple as i think people make it out to be either. it’s all based on preference but to me i like to play older console games on the consoles they were intended for whenever i possibly can.) basically i think that’s the only thing that holds him back from being my fave. if i ever get a private server to work and finally get the chance who knows he’ll probably beat out the rest of these guys. tbh it wouldn’t take much his design is amazing and his theme is god tier. those two things alone are why i love him.

honorable mention for this goober i just like because he’s super stupid

[borbsbirbs]

GI: Actor AU... but they meet their actors

Part 1

MASTERLIST

When Diluc Ragnvindr was enveloped in a sudden white light, he did not expect it to fade, revealing a room Mondstadtian in construction,  with peculiar decorations. Strange black picture frames without photos and bottles of liquids labeled in Liyuan or Inazuman, lights without candles or any trace of elemental energy.

When Diluc Ragnvindr was seemingly abducted by a magical force, he did not expect to see a whole hoard of people, also dazed by the light. A quick glance around the room revealed Vision Wielders from around Teyvat, from Mondstadt to Sumeru, and even some… Harbingers.  

A groan, a gap, and Diluc turned his head towards the other end of the large living room.

Clones.

Or at least, extremely similar copies.

People who shared their facial structure.

"Oh my god." whispered one of the copies. Crimson hair, surprisingly light voice, dressed in an exact copy of Diluc’s own clothes, the copy’s eyes were too, blown wide.. But the voice was... not his own. Too lax. Too casual. 

"Lucas?" The Kaeya-Copy mumbled back. His eyes glanced around the room- (A significant lack of Star-Pupils, Diluc saw.) At the sight of the Vision-Wielders, he stopped glancing around. "Well," he said. "Fuck."

One after another, the copies sat up. An Albedo that sank into themself. A lethargic Fatui Harbinger. A Sucrose that did not shake with anxieties but energy. That one Adeptus, but he didn't look so angry. The soft Diluc(Was 'Lucas' His name?) and the less flamboyant Kaeya.

Silently, he drew his blade, the Favonius Greatsword heavy in his palms.

~

Lucas didn’t mean to party so hard.

But what was he supposed to do? Cori had announced that they finally finished filming the prologue chapter of Genshin Impact, they had finally fucking finished Mondstadt’s chapter!

At least, until they had to film for Windblume.

But now? They had all the film they needed to edit together the First Act/Prologue of Genshin! Their little fanproject dream finally had something tangible!

Lucas didn’t mean to party so hard.

Work hard, play hard. That was his philosophy.

But maybe, he thought, waking up from a hangover, seeing the Actual Diluc Ragnvindr with an Actual Fucking Claymore with an Actual Fucking Vision,

He shouldn’t have drank so much. 

“Oh my god,” he muttered, when he realized that yes, this wasn’t a dream, and no, he wasn’t high.

Besides him, his co-actor stirred to sleep. 

“Lucas?” Mikail asked, taking off his eyepatch and rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. 

He looked around.

“Well,” he said.

“Fuck.”

[littlegoldfinchh]

A question: Those soul games you mentioned in your.. header? Intro? I can’t recall what it’s called, sorry, what are those about?

Enjoy your cheese!

OUgh hi there !!! Thank yoj for your ask im very drunk and im waiting for the water tp boil bc im making pasta so. I'll try to explain soulsborne games to you

So uhm dark souls one. Oh boy it's like

So back then there used to be nothing but. Fog? And dragons? But then suddenly there was fire and. And fire is good it's like life i guess? So fire is important

And there's Gwyn. He's kinda like Zeus in a way? He's the main god, the all father even. So Gwyn wanted to keep

To keep the age of fire? Because the fire is supposed to go out but he doesn't want that so he branded humanity with this dark curse that made them come back to life snd stuff

You should checj out. Vaatividya on YouTube he's like the lore master of dark souls. You will enjoy his videos i prommy

Also liek dark souls has amazing weapons. Like pretty big swords with pretty abilities

Have you seen the onyx blade??? Oe the moonlight greatsword?? They fuck

The games are relatively hard because you have to get better if you want to progress. But it's so beautiful it's like a challenge and every single fight feels like. The sweetest victory ever your heart will beat sO fast and it will be amazing i promise

You should check out. Bloodborne and dark souls 3 and elden ring y they're my favorite ones

Oh and the armors omg. They're so beautiful and hOt and jddkdhjd you can dress up your little dude!!! How cool is that!!!!

Like these games will hurt you in the best way possible and i cannot recommend them enough

[lidrens]

Soulsborne asks: 8, 9, 16, 23?

this became rambly so under read more it goes

8. Do you have any fond coop memories? Does a specific moment stand out to you?

yeah you know from high-level dungeons in bb come all kinds of things. so on my platinum character ive also farmed all kinds of gems and shit, and 99% of coop i do happens in the chalice dungeons with people just as insanely overleveled as me.

...that's until hunters of hunters roll in and you realise that whoever invaded your ass is probably just as high a level as you or more (which is around 300) and you're just. well that'll be a fun fight huh.

i have a vivid memory of a crow wannabe showing up and pulling out a tonitrus, the Most Okayest Weapon Ever. they chased me around ihyll and died to a fireball trap. fuxking lmao.

another one is from ds3 and it's about a greatbow user who fucking soloed midir, the big bad fuckoff huge dragon for me on my dark character run. i was doing like 20 damage? and then this guy rolls in and puts the fear of god back right into my heart. oh it was amazing.

9. What are your three favourite weapons and why?

im not gonna list all of the games because i can't remember all weapons right now, so:

- the blade of mercy. it's so worth learning how to effectively use. it's fast, it does a respectable amount of damage on a good skill build and it encourages very high mobility and less of R1 mashing.

- the onyx blade. everything about it is immaculate, from the caduceus aesthetic to the black flames, to its speed. i love how light it feels to wield too, as if its barely holding together from everything its original wielder been through.

- morgott's cursed curved greatsword. it's very satisfying to use and to land the skill attack in succession, also i absolutely love curved greatswords in elden ring. the design of the blade and the introduction of it, as the wood falls off it from the sheer force of morgott's grip? hhoh. i want this thing in my house not gonna lie.

- honorable mention of estoc, the weapon i use in every souls game until i find something i like for my specific build. also it fucking carried me through my first ds2 run, what a great weapon.

16. What are your favourite areas?

ds1: new londo and anor londo. all of the headcanons aside, i can't help but wonder what they were like when they were alive. and in their current states they're much like yourself, undead and long hollow, having forgotten what it is to be a home.

ds2: THE GUTTER. lighting up all the sconces is something i look forward to every run. and with the heartbeat... the place is so unsettling and beautiful in the dark, i just spend a lot of time wandering around and looking at the edges of structures peeking out from the dark. the runner up is shulva. i would love to live there before it went to shit.

ds3: i like carthus catacombs, sue me. mainly because invasions in there are very fun (for me). irithyll is okay. the ringed city is more okayer but it takes longer to get there, and the only reason i like two of those is their aesthetics. idk ds3 lore.

bloodborne: ...the hunter's nightmare. the ruined and warped city of yharnam in sickly daylight, drowned in blood and knowing nobody but those who spill it. to be fair i like most of all bloodborne locations with one petty exclusion (fuck you hemwick). i wish the castle cainhurst was bigger on the inside as well as the outside, but i guess i will have to do with the castle sol </3

elden ring: fuck all of you, caelid is beautiful and haunting, a festering and living grave of a land. i like it a moderate amount. i have not spent hours obsessively taking pictures of various plants and creatures there. i am normal about caelid. ...on another note, i think leyndell is the best area fromsoft ever made as a dungeon and aesthetics wise.

23. What is your favourite fashion souls?

oh man im kind of tired of listing every game, so I'll go with top three outfits i have on some of my characters:

- nights cavalry set and nox monk headpiece.

- tomb prospector set and yharnam hunter hat (or maria's hat).

- loyce set.

[glowingbadger]

Can I get a nsfw fic for Diluc where he and reader are vigilantes together? I feel like that would be hot af.

Oh-ho~ what a delightful concept, Friend Anon.

I feel like I've barely had time for fic-style stuff rather than headcanon stuff lately, so forgive me if this is like... idk.. less good xD I hope it's good idk agopwgj

Side note, y'all Genshin people tend to blow up my page every time I post something in this fandom but I get SO few actual requests for it, wtf is up with that

Diluc x GN Reader - vigilantes

NSFW 18+

There aren't many of your typical "dark back alleys" in Mondstadt, but they are there if you go looking for them. If you do, you're sure to make some friends and acquaintances of the sort who also go looking for such tucked away places. And tonight, you're expecting a meeting with a coworker.

You've been tracking a particular Treasure Hoarder for weeks now. He's a cut-throat sort, in that he literally cuts throats, and quite gleefully at that. He's scum, but he's a valuable asset. He's the only Treasure Hoarder idiotic and brave enough to have set foot inside of Mondstadt's walls as of late, and you're not about to lose the opportunity to track him back to his hive. And it shouldn't be too difficult to do so- as long as a certain "Darknight Hero" doesn't decide to step in.

Somehow, you have a feeling he will.

And as you crouch atop the sloping roof of a typical Mondstadt residence, observing your pet rat scurrying through alleyways he clearly doesn't know as well as he ought to by now, you glimpse a familiar flash of red. Moving as quickly as one can with a sword that matches his height while retaining some measure of stealth, Diluc clearly has your subject in his sights. You barely contain a sigh, your brow lowered in flat exasperation.

You'll have to act quickly- Diluc is rapidly closing in on your only source of intel, blade at the ready and eyes devoid of mercy. Never taking your eyes from his dark silhouette in the alley below, you gracefully maneuver from the roof to a nearby balcony banister, then down a railing. Your feet meet the stone pavement silently just as muscles flex and the greatsword hefts into the air above a fiery mane of hair. Without a sound, you draw your own blade and press it firmly to Diluc's throat. He hesitates for just a moment, his surprise causing his footing to waver for the instant you need to tug him back against the wall.

"You-" he hisses with fury in his eyes, "What are you doing?!"

"Keeping you from killing my only lead!" you shout-whisper back to him as the Treasure Hoarder slides around the corner and into the open streets. He's a lost cause now- acting out in the open would draw unacceptable attention to both you and Diluc. For now, the edge of your sword indents his skin, emphasizing the unfortunately seductive sight of his adams apple bobbing as he swallows hard.

"He's a killer." he spits out bitterly.

"Yes," you reply, "And so are all of his friends. And the only way to snuff them all out is to let him live- for now."

His weapon vanishes for the time being, but you know his strength well enough to know that this does not make him 'unarmed.'

"Go join the Knights if you enjoy wasting time so much."

"Oh, perhaps I should," you say, "It was a Knight who gave me the intel to track this target, after all," the playful lilt in your voice guides him to the exact conclusion you want him to reach. What you don't expect is for Diluc to use his considerable strength to spin you back against the wall, jostling your sword from your hand and swapping your positions, with your wrists now pinned to the plaster behind you. You're startled for a moment- but not so much so that you miss the way his eyes scan your body before him.

"It was a strutting peacock that needs its beak removed, more like," he says, his voice low as he looms over you. Your bodies are so close, the space between you seems charged with electricity.

"Is that a touch of jealousy I hear?"

"You're infuriating," he gives this utter non-answer just before his lips reach yours. His kiss is deep and intense from the start, pressing you to the wall as his tongue thrusts into your mouth.

This has always been your favorite way to vent your mutual frustration. There's something about each of you that only the other knows; a part of you both that only the two of you have access to. Those cordoned off sections of your hearts instinctively reach toward one another, binding you and the Darknight Hero together despite all of the myriad ways you find yourselves at odds. Adrenaline and emotion drives your bodies together, and your pulse pounds as his tongue wrestles yours and the warmth of his body catches yours on fire.

You do your best to keep up with Diluc's frenzied need, parted lips working rhythmically against his, yet you can feel the rush of arousal through your body and the fight leaves you almost instantly. In one final act of provocation, you urge your thigh between his, rubbing it gently against the growing heat you feel there. His cock twitches with interest, hardening against the front of his pants. Diluc groans into your kiss, his hands releasing yours to travel down the contours of your sides.

When those strong hands reach your backside, they shamelessly grab at your curves, pulling you firmly against him and encouraging your thighs around his hips. Your feet are barely touching the ground anymore, and you can feel his growing cock grinding into your heat. His impatience is as evident in his touch as it's always been in his fighting style; though, the difference is that now, you're happy to match his pace. Thoroughly trapped between his body and the wall, your hands run across his chest, happily indulging in the plains of muscle beneath conservative clothing.

Then, you nip at his bottom lip, dragging it between your teeth and revelling in the husky groan this pulls from him. His hips sway against you, rubbing the head of his now rock-hard member against you. Quite suddenly, his hands leave your body, then instead, cup both sides of your face. Diluc holds you in place as he kisses you so hard and deep that your legs tremble and you worry your knees may give. And at last, the airy moan you offer him in reply seems to break the last of his restraint.

"Towards the wall," his urgent whisper grazes your skin, and it's all you can do to keep from moaning at the intoxicating, masculine tenor of his voice. Instead, you obey him, turning to the wall, only to feel him pinning you once more from behind. His lips are at your ear, his tongue tracing its curve, until he says softly,

"Truly a shame you can't always be this cooperative."

"I- I'm very cooperative when it gets me what I want..." you half-moan as his lips press heated kisses down the side of your neck. His fevered touch is everywhere, running up your sides to caress your chest, fingers briefly circling your nipples and causing you to arch against him.

"One day I'll make you beg for it." he muses softly, less like any 'dirty talk' you've ever heard, and far more like he's scolding you. Either way, it sends a hot wave of arousal plunging to your core. With a soft whimper, you urge your ass back against him, grinding onto the stiff length of his cock. Tonight won't be the night you beg, but you do need to show him how badly you want him- and he graciously complies.

Diluc's thumbs hook into the hem of your breeches and tug them down over the curve of your ass. Despite his own wants and needs, he does pause to appreciate the sight of you offering yourself to him, lower body exposed and face flushed when you glance over your shoulder at him. A single large hand runs over your backside, cupping and grabbing at it idly, enjoying the sight of your flesh over-filling his grip. Then, with a low hum, his eyes meet yours as he opens the front of his trousers and reveals his thick, twitching manhood to you. It's dark and veined, a powerful, masculine member that practically makes your mouth water- and you can't stifle an eager whine as he positions himself behind you once more.

The warm head of his cock presses to your greedy little hole, and Diluc wastes no time pushing himself steadily into you. With each inch, he splits you open around him, and your body tenses and arches against his strong frame.

"Diluc..!" you gasp out the moment he's buried into you to the base and his tip hits your core. Sometimes you think you'll never truly be accustomed to how fully he fills you.

"Quiet," he whispers harshly, though the way the full length of his cock swells at your cry tells him he quite enjoys hearing you. Yet as his hips begin to move and the veins and contours of his cock grind against your inner walls, it becomes harder and harder to keep your voice down. He feels too incredible, reaches too deep, stretches you out so nicely around him until you fit him perfectly. Your entire body burns, and you cling to the wall in front of you to take some of the strain off of your trembling legs. Before long, you're gasping and panting for him as he bucks into you, the head of his cock dragging against some indescribably wonderful spot each time he thrusts forward.

"You're so... difficult..." he grumbles, and you hear him move, unsure of what he's doing until you feel his gloveless hand sliding fingers into your mouth. Your eyes roll back, your body clenches and squeezes around Diluc's shaft. Perhaps he'd only meant to keep you quiet, but the depravity of being fucked senseless by the most sought-after gentleman in Mondstadt in a back alley while being made to suck on his fingers is simply too erotic to withstand. Your lips and tongue worship those fingers as he pounds you against the wall, railing into your desperate body until the hot, winding knot of pleasure in your gut comes undone in a sudden, mind-numbing rush.

"Nngh- gods...!" even Diluc, with all of his strict self discipline, can't keep from groaning as your climax seizes you. He can feel your body tense and release, feel your inner walls tightening and gripping around him, clinging around his cock like you can't bear to be without it. He draws closer, his hard chest against your back, his head sinking down to the crook of your neck. His thrusts lose their timing, uneven and inelegant as he nears his own release.

You feel the sting of his teeth at your flesh. Diluc silences his own sounds of pleasure, burying his face at your neck and sucking a dark love-bite to your skin. But even this jolt of wonderful pain can't distract you from the way his cock flexes deep within you, swelling and straining out against your tight hole. Then, at last, his breath catches, and his cum begins to shoot out into you. The first impact causes you to whine around his fingers, which he punishes with a harsher bite at your shoulder muscle, even as he continues to fill you. Wild red hair brushes your face as you rally your strength to keep yourself in place for him and he fucks the remainder of his climax into your waiting body. For a moment, he holds within you. You each struggle to regain composure and steady your breathing- no easy feat when his manhood is stubbornly refusing to soften even the slightest bit. Then, with a barely restrained sigh, Diluc eases out of your spent hole.

His hand comes to rest on the wall in front of you, trapping you against his body for a moment longer. You have just enough room to move your hands to tug up your clothing and cover up, and he does the same with his free hand. But before releasing you, he places a lingering kiss to the spot just below where your jawline meets your ear. It's a surprisingly tender spot, and the soft warmth of his lips seems to spread across your skin from that point.

"Be safe getting home." he murmurs, and you find yourself wishing dearly that you could see his expression as he says it. Though, perhaps he fully intends to keep that image from you. Then, he straightens his posture, the cool night air filling the space where his body had warmed you.

"And next time," he adds, having regained his usual business-like tone, "Don't expect me to be so generous if you stand in my way."

[probably-haven]

Anyways continuing the Sumeru quest

Alhaitham just showed up

"Even the archons used war to negotiate the ownership of teyvat" is such a line that I need to remember

Lmao "canned knowledge" why would they called it that it makes it sound like you have to eat it pffft

Oh wait that's actually cool af

So dendro is like raw brain power lol God this lore is tasty

Can I take all the canned knowledge shits please my life junkie brain would explode

"The Architectural Styles and Construction Methods of Teyvat in the Early Archon War Period" istg anything archon war related I wish the game worked like that damn-

"Wisdom of the gods" sounds ominous- isn't that why khaenriah was smited

Oh damn someone's angry- wtf is this

Oooo the Akasha symbol is red

We just gonna sit here and let this guy get beat up?

Omg flippy boy

That's not ominous at all

Wow he just lied to our face mf

And then he pulls the capsulebout in broad daylight? Daaamn

Imagine they're pulling the festival for lesser Lord Kusanali and she just falls out of the sky dead liyue style

Dunyarzad banner when?

DEHYA!!!

omg they're so close. Them. They're everything

"My guardian knight" JSBDKDJDBFMDK

If dunyarzad dies istg- still on guard for teppei 2.0

OMG THE NPC IN THE BACK JUST SAID "what's so good about snezhnayan toys anyway" is that a childe joke?

I love illusion. Please be a literal meaning.

Rip this guy's mustache

Omg are we gonna see Dehya in action???

Damn that works too

AWWW DEHYA SHE CARES SO MUCH OMG SHE'S SO SWEET

DUNYARZAD- OMG THEY'RE LOVELY

Rippp I called it but ouch

Double ouch

GIVE HER A VISION OML

Fuck the law let her dance

well fuck you too that's bull

Omfg these guys are dicks.

You realize there's such thing as art history and dance history

Wow these guys really set up as villains can I kill them?

What the actual fuck is wrong with these guys-

Oh she doesn't think she's gonna live that long- it at least be able to move

Traveler not a morning person confirmed?

TRIPPY TIME SHIT TRIPPY TIME SHIT DOSHSNSLDISHDNDKFI

DREAM SEQUENCE OR ILLUSION OMG I LOVE LIFE

Lmao I have a feeling we dreamed it but imagine if it was just that someone canned knowledged us in our sleep

It doesn't even look bad wtf? See!

Anyway it's funny cuz I'm not a picky eater and will eat and enjoy almost anything but I'm a preferenced eater and given the choice will eat the same five things forever

Omg this I trippy. Maybe it's Irminsul shit lol

Lol they really said choose but not choose

IS THAT THE GRIM REAPER

I hate my sense of humor

Omg this trippy shit is lovely

Awww her little clover pupils

Oooo this contemplation thing sounds fun

Awwww she felt her there!! Please I need a Dehya banner

Didn't we already know the Akasha was gnosis powered tho?

Honestly if anyone could expose this- I wouldnt doubt that it'd be Dehya

Well fuck

"I'm the moon" omg that's so clever

We did not already break free the fuck? Why would you jump to that conclusion- it's just that she had memories now of his to use the greatsword we've been doing different stuff each day so can she

All this philosophy discussion

Exactly!!! Thank you Dehya! Like the food merchant would notice if his stuff wasn't fresh I think 1 day and 40 days would look different

Damn fighting smarts

Braincersize sounds like jazzersize and that's funny to me

TRAVELS VOICE LINE

Oh no they're separated damn that's sad

poor paimon omg

Well damn that's a convenient time to cut off

Wow I thought that was an association option earlier but it wouldn't let me submit ppl not dreaming as a conclusion so I thought I was wrong rip

Is this an anti-capitalist metaphor wtf?

So my simulation guess wasn't too far off

Anyway this contemplation thing is giving me danganronpa trial flashbacks

Damn teppei 2.0 I hate that I called that bit

Wow am I about to kin this child of an archon? Omg that's unfortunate

I guess Dunyarzad banner never

Rip Vihar he ain't gonna be happy

ANGRY TRAVELER ANGRY TRAVELER

hehe paimon saw it

Anyways it's totally Nilou which is why she can't dance cuz if she does she's gonna summon flowers or some shit. Please this has to be what it is I would die happy

They're totally gonna bring Dunyarzad back right! Yeah yeah totally

This is painful

Do we get to beat these guys up now?

Oh my god yes!!! Please cutscene this-

Here we go. KDBDODJD YES

DUNYARZAD!!!

She lives! Also wtf is Katherine doing there

Anyways tea I'mma call it for this post here.

[luckysliceofbread]

Genshin Characters Reactions to you having the powers of someone from another world

(Aka: yet another excuse to talk a bit about Honkai imapct)

Tw: talks about fighting but I think that was a given, swearing

Oh also just know that I’m barley ever serious, it’s not enough to be a whole crack fic buuuuuut...

Quick explanation/ the best explanation I can make about Honkai imapct and how the fighting stuff works:

People called Valkyries are trained to fight these things called Honkai beasts and use these things called “battle suits” to fight them, but there are the gods called Herrschers, they don’t count as Valkyrie’s but some fight Honkai beasts.

One person can have multiple battle suits and depending on the battle suits, they can control elements, there are no elemental reactions, but the elements are still in the battle suits.

I’ll assign you a random battle suit, with pictures of said battle suit and the stats, of course (Although the weapon stats are the stats of the weapons when you first get it).

Oh, and I should also add:

SP is like the energy that’s used for ultimates.

Some cost less than others some cost more. You get SP from hitting monsters and stuff.

Now onto the headcanons!

Prolog:

You loved Genshin Impact, playing the game when you felt like it, trying your hardest to get a good team and then build them up, you hated the constant grind, but you put up with it because you were having so much fun playing the game.

Recently you’ve heard about another game MiHoYo released a few years back, Honkai Impact 3rd, you saw a video of one cutscene from inside the game and immediately went to download the game.

Now you’ve been playing for a while and you’re also having a pretty great time there too, you’ve pulled for quite a few characters and found it fairly easy to build a team.

One night, you stay up to late playing Genshin and you wake up literally inside Teyvat. You soon discover that you have the powers and abilities of the Valkyrie you were building up.

Cool part is, you look exactly like the Battle suit, the only things you kept were your skin, eyes, hair colour and body shape, pretty cool that you somehow magically also took their fighting reflexes, fighting style, weapon and powers/abilities.

(No seriously, fighting like the Valkyrie does in the game feels like second nature to you.)

You spend a few weeks in Teyvat, and make quick friends with a few people, however you only tell one about- uh- this mess.

Albedo:

Battle suit: Stygian Nymph

Let me clarify that the more SP Stygian Nymph has during her ultimate increases her damage output. That’s why she’s op.

Oh wait that makes a lot of sense.

He knew you came from another world, you told him that

But to also imitate that person’s abilities?

How interesting

He studies you a lot, asking questions about the Valkyrie herself

You tell him that Seele (the Valkyrie that uses this battle suit), also uses her ‘other self’ to fight in battle, but you haven’t tried to summon her because you literally have no idea what would happen

Which is pretty reasonable

Albedo asks you if you’re okay with trying it out for the reasearch

You go “fuck it” and call upon your ‘other self to lend you their strength’ just like Seele does

It works, but you still have full control, no ‘other you’ sadly

You test out the fact that your sythe had turned into these giant floating claws and tenticals

You have SO MUCH fun bulling the hilihurls

Poor them

Then after clearing through many, many, many camps (listen this battle suit can solo anything), you remember Stygian Nymph’s Ultimate

You figure that you’ve definitely maxed out your SP and that the damage is going to be humongous

So you go to bully that poor cryo flower (I forgot what it’s called)

Albedo is unsure, but after you tell him that this battle suit has solo fought a god, a killing machine, a giant dog and more stronger things in Honkai impact, he agrees, completely ready to step in, only just in case though

You just run in, and Albedo goes to find a safe spot to sit down while he watches you fight for a while

He’s like ‘this’ll probably take a while’

So it took less than a minute

You used your ultimate when the boss slouched on the ground

That flower is very dead

You collect your rewards and leave

Albedo’s like wtf was that

You’re like idk man, I had a lot of SP

wtf is an SP?

Aether:

Battle suit: Herrscher of the Void

Side note: you also evade and float around like HotV I just couldn’t find a way to bring it up here without getting off-track.

This is the only acceptation to the ‘your eyes stay the same too’ bit

Your eye colour looks the exact same now

Aether looked you in the eyes and went ‘hey that looks like the person who kidnapped my sister’

He attacked you and you were like ‘Aether wtf’

You tried explaining the situation as calmly as you can while almost being stabbed

He calms down a bit and is like

“So, can you use her powers?”

“The Herrscher of the Void and that unknown goddess are probably not the same person.”

“Oh.”

“But I’m pretty sure they’re like, alternate universe counterparts?”

“Really? Cool.”

You joined his party after a few weeks of Paimon BEGGING Aether to just “Invite y/n, already!”

Paimon is getting tired of watching your semi-awkward interactions

So they hope bringing you on the team will stop making things so awkward

It kinda worked?

After gaining enough SP you used your ultimate, knowing that the missiles(?) couldn’t hurt anyone on your team

You scared the FUCK out of everyone

I mean you helped a lot but like

Give a warning please

Wait no he’s not mad at you don’t feel bad

Xiao:

Battle suit: Motolov Cherry: Augment Core

Let me tell you what an augment core is. I don’t know if they have a canon explanation because I skipped a lot of the HI3rd text, but it’s like a battle suit inside a battle suit.

They usually work similarly but in this case the battle suits aren’t very similar.

The way he met you was unique

He heard a ruckus around Wangshu inn and went to go see if it was trouble

It was but you were taking care of it

He was about to leave because you looked more than capable of handling this

But then he saw that you dual-wield greatswords (or claymores, as they’re called in Teyvat)

You were just flinging them around like it was nothing???

Curious, he stuck around to watch you fight from afar

Then you used your ultimate

Great, now there’s even more pink and blue paint every—

Wait what it all disappeared after the fight wtf

See, the thing is, you actually expected him to be there

That’s why you were clearing out any remaining hilichurl camps around the inn

But you didn’t tell him

So now your talking

You trust him a lot, considering you literally lured him out to talk to him

He sticks around, and of course he asks questions

“Are those horns?”

“Uh, I think?”

“You think?”

“How do you dual-wield strange looking claymores, and then fight with them like they’re regular blades?”

“They’re not actually that heavy.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, you can hold one to test it out.”

He then dropped it on the ground, and fell down with it

Obviously it was kinda funny, but this is Xiao, so you try to hold back your laughter in order to keep Xiao as your friend

He then disappears out of embarrassment

You make a mental note to visit him at the inn sometime

Oh, and don’t forget the Almond Tofu

Venti:

Battle suit: Starlit Astrologos

Yeah she’s a support-dps

She’s my child and I love her

So it all started when you went to the adventures guild to find a place to stay

That’s where he heard you say “I have an anemo vision, but it’s in my coat.”

He surely didn’t remember giving you a vision, he’d definitely remember someone who looked as pretty as you

You got away with it and you were allowed into the adventurers guild!

Suspicious, he goes all like

“Hey, I couldn’t help but over-hear that you have an anemo vision! Let’s be anemo buddies!”

After he says that your just like oh no he’s on to me

You feign obliviousness, pretending like this man isn’t the literal anemo archon, and you agree

So you’re doing a commission and he tags along

Mainly because he doesn’t believe you have anemo powers and he waits for an excuse to come from you

“I’ll stay a bit behind and shoot a bit.”

“Ok, be careful.”

“I will.”

You dig your weapon into the ground, it made a musical bum sound

Wait do you actually have anemo powers

You used your charged attack and deal MASSIVE amounts of damage

And you use your normal attack to heal yourself when you get hit

He’s already amazed

Then a hilichurl is about to attack you from behind, but he can’t shoot it in time

Luckily, you dodge it in time, activating your ultimate evasion

Now, ultimate evasions differentiate from different battle suits

But the most common one is literally stopping time

But an extra thing this battle suit does is release a large burst of wind at the enemy who cause the evasion in the first place

Venti is so confused because he can move, you can move, but the hilichurls are slowed down by a lot

You yell at him to come step in the formation on the ground after time stops

So you continue attacking the hilichurls, and Venti makes his way to the small formation on the ground

The entire time he’s like

‘What the fuck, is y/n actually a human? What’s happening??’

Time goes back to normal and he steps in the forma— AAAAA EVERYTHING IS FROZEN AGAIN

Then the cherry on top to the cake of confusion was your ultimate

Hoo boy

Your ultimate is a giant formation with a tornado inside it

“Ok what the fu—“

After that you tell him that your from another world and about the whole situation blah blah blah

“So, you come from a different world, and then you took the powers of someone else from a different world?”

“Yeah, she’s like, really strong.”

“Is she a god?”

“Nope.”

“Then what are the gods in that world like..?”

“You don’t wanna know.”

“I wha—“

[potatotrash0]

I saw the words “swap au” and immediately became so intrigued. Even if you barely have any content please share and perhaps I’ll share some concepts from my own

Ooo okay so I only have Lumine, Aether, and Childe down so far? It’s supposed to be a random swap but uhhhhh yeah I didn’t just Happen to get these three to swap skdjksjdksndks but the rest of them will probably be random! Other than maybe a few bc I do in fact play favorites

Aether and Lumine are the 11th and 12th Fatui Harbingers respectively, but I imagine some people might refer to them both as the 11th Harbingers bc they usually come as a pair on bigger missions.

They do in fact have Visions since they’re not outlanders in this AU. They both have Cryo Visions, but different Delusions. Lumi has Anemo, Aether has Geo. How they got their Visions is a uh. Long story. Basically, they got split up while exploring as young adventurers, around 13 or 14 years old I’d say? Lumine fell into the Abyss first while Aether returned to the guild. After about a day, he got restless and went out looking for her and ended up falling into the Abyss himself. They spent the vast majority of their time apart until the last moment, where they found each other and got out together and landed back in Teyvat after years on end. And uh. They cried. Hard. Their Cryo Visions appeared at their feet shortly afterwards, and after some debating, they decided to meet with the Tsaritsa and try their hand at becoming Harbingers. Well. Maybe less “trying their hand” and more demanding to join the Tsaritsa’s ranks and threatening anyone who stopped them?

I have set personalities for them in canon, but I imagine in this AU, they’re both a little more cold and aggressive or defensive. Lumi’s pretty snarky and spiteful when she wants to be, I affectionately call her a prideful bitch <3 Aether’s still the. Nicer? Twin? Kinda. Abyss stuff made him less so but for the most part he’s better with diplomacy and people, while Lumi’s more straightforward and blunt. I think Aether’s less impulsive but I also think he’s scarier than Lumi in some ways because he doesn’t have any anger option separating “calm :)” from “Fucking Pissed.” His troops live in fear of his wrath being directed towards them instead of the wall of his office.

Oh and as final things, Lumi and Aether use different weapons! Lumi has a polearm and Aether has a greatsword :) but they can use swords too. I think they used swords before but picked up different and more individual fighting styles during their time in the Abyss. They still work terrifyingly well together either way it’s just bc I wanted to have fun with other weapon types haha

As for Childe, I um. I don’t have a damn clue what’s happening with him dkfjksjdksjdkdjd

As of now, my idea is that he’s an outlander who works for a god from his homeworld? Whether they’re good or not I’m still deciding, but rest assured he’s not focused on conquering Teyvat dkfjksdnkdj. I don’t think so at least. Subject to change……….

Anyway!! I imagine he works as a soldier who fights on the front lines, maybe as a lieutenant or general. He probably got stuck in Teyvat after losing a fight against the Unknown God? I think he’d be in less of a hurry to move onto the next region than the canon travelers since his family probably actually. Knows. Why he leaves for long periods skdjskdnskdj. He’s not playing innocence protector here he’s not doing anything super shady ;;;;;;;;

Idk if he would have an equivalent of the Abyss thing since. Yknow. Lumi and Aether have that covered. So maybe Childe gets off with a little less trauma as a treat for me always poking fun at him lmao. He may or may not get his ass kicked in Mondstadt by Lumi depending on who I roll for the rest of the Harbingers because I think it is really fucking funny to mess with him but that’s still up for debate.

Oh, I like to think he switches what kind of weapon he uses with each element! Idk entirely what ones are gonna match up but I know I kinda just wanna see him swinging around a Pyro greatsword bc that sounds super destructive and I feel like his party would freak out over him getting that much power lmao

[memorys-skyscraper]

Endwalker day twoooooo

AYMERIC im love youuuuuu, omg papa Gaius too? everybody’s showing up all of a sudden

LOOK at this fucking crew omg, BRD, WHM, SCH, WAR, BLM, MNK, DRG and MCH job tutors??? the pirate dudes???? Lyse & Pipin???? LUCIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this is the BEST

I fuckin LOVE this pirate guy and his voice, omfg not Emmanellain lmaoooooooo he’s too much

OH MY GOD LET’S FUCKING GOOOOOOOO THE STEPPE CREW FUCK YESSSS SADU AND MAGNAI omg poor Cirina “Sadu pls don’t kill them”

LMAO YSHTOLA “not to put too fine a point on it, but I wouldn’t be caught dead in that” queen

TATARUUUUUU YESSSSSS COME HANG OUT IN SHARLAYAN, also omg “while I’m confident you won’t go collapsing again (because a certain someone who shall remain nameless isn’t in a position to transport your souls to another world)” drag him Tataru

“several cutscenes will play in sequence” this is what I like to HEAR let’s go

oh my god of course they put Graha in the fucking rebel coat, I literally almost put it on too, thank god I didn’t, also love that Urianger gets his post-HW outfit again. wait hold up where do I get that jacket Thancred has on, gimme, I want it

(also why does Thancred talk so quietly this expansion, is this like a consequence of covid where his VA was recording from home so he had to be quiet or is this just a choice)

ah shit here we go again, playing as Thancred, god I wish I could move his skills around, also I love these little portraits next to the dialogue in this, also also where do I get Yshtola’s coat too

oh hey there’s a new animation for drawing your weapon in a cutscene, for DRK at least (I tend to do these solo duties on DRK bc I look dumb as hell running around with my SMN book lmao)

also since when is Pipin a DRK???? is it literally bc Raubahn gave him his sword but Raubahn is so fucking big that Pipin has to use it as a greatsword LMAO

also love that Sadu and Cirina are dating now

Emet really gassing himself up in this little narration for entering Garlemald, we get it bud, you’re super fucking smart, why are you even still talking you’re fucking dead

boy it’s fuckin grim in Garlemald, huh. real fuckin bummer here. this lil moment with the twins is too much

LOL the WHM kid being like “jesus CHRIST get over yourselves” and aero’ing everybody

fucking hell, under the chin?? they really cranked up the blood on this one

pirate boy and Emmanellain new brotp

since when can Ascians just snatch people up?? why don’t they do that more often??

FUCKING LMAOOOOOOOO WHAT THE FUCK IS THISSSSSSSSSSSSS KIDNAPPED TO DINNER WITH ZENOS WITH FANDANIEL BUTER????? I CANNOT FUCKING BELIEVE I AM LOSING IT

“Ah. Exposition is in order.” wonderful thank you fandango please exposit

Zenos just fuckin munchin away down there, minding his own business. LMAO FANDANGO “finish your dinner!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

oh my FUCKING god no we aren’t. NO WE AREN’T!!!! NO WE ARE NOT SWAPPING BODIES AND DUKING IT OUT!!!!!!!

this solo duty is fucking NUTS, I cannot believe this shit is happening. GRAHA NO, ALISAIE NO, PLEASE, STOP, ITS NOT ME, YSHTOLA CANT YOU SEE THATS NOT MY SOUL!!!!! YES QUEEN HELP!!!!!!!!!! ITS NOT ME!!!!!!!!!! TRUST YOUR OWN JUDGEMENT GIRL!!!!!!!!!!

fucking SHIT if they had me ME kill Graha and/or Alisaie I would have lost my fucking mind

well, we made it. the fuckin moon. here we are. loving all the nice piano music this expansion

im sorry? excuse me? sparkling dog?

I FOUND THE MOON CACTUARS, they are horrifying, I both hate and love them

Hythlodaeus!!!!!!!!!! my new old friend!!!!!!!! I love him sm

“a slave to sentiment, even after an eternity” yeah that’s Emet “In you I choose to believe, as Emet-Selch did” not this...................

FLYING DOG FLYING DOG FLYING DOG, ZENOS LOOK AT MY FLYING DOG

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmaybe we shouldn’t’ve killed Elidibus, maybe Zodiark like, needed a brain. can we just pop back over to the first and get him out of the crystal tower real quick?

LMAOOO FANDANIEL “hold on ONE sec, can I just become Zodiark rq? thanks bye!!!!!!!!”

now hold up who was that? me? pre-sundering me? idfk, anyway this fight is happening way earlier than I thought which is GREAT news bc it means utterly wild shit is going to happen to keep this plot rolling, bc just based on this being lv 83 there’s 70% of the expansion left (at least I hope so)

GOD that trial was so FUCKING fun omg, I’m so excited for EX, it’s genuinely so fun to go into these trials with nobody knowing shit but all of us hyped as fuck and wiping and all being like “holy shit this kicks ass!!!! we all just died!!!! fuck yeah!!!!!”

anyway uhhhhhhhhhhh I done goofed??????? LMAO Zenos what the FUCK do you want, this is becoming ridiculous, my catboy looks so fucking over his bullshit lmao

this man is so fucking single-minded, he literally thinks of nothing else but figuring out how to fight me. like. just come with me. come hang out. it’s fine. we can be, like, actual friends. let’s go get dinner without Fandaniel. tbh I just want Zenos as a trust

THE BUNS!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY’RE SO CUTE!!!!! thancred looks like he’s gonna have a fucking stroke lmao, you okay my guy

oh im serving looks in these outfits from the bunnies, eorzea’s next top model has arrived. just kidding Urianger is the top model, yes king strike that pose

alright calling it there, I’ve slept about 4 of the past 42 hours lmao

[sometimes-love-is-enough]

I MEAN IT GAVE ME CHILLS IN A GOOD WAY. and also it would be hilarious to write imo; just these 6 dudes that all look the same and just made up A Guy.

“Thomas,” Roman announces quite suddenly, with a triumphant gesture that manages to inadvertently sweep half of the script drafts off the couch in the process.

“I still can not believe we’re doing this,” Virgil says.

“Oh, you’d better believe it, Way Down Gay-destown, ‘cause I just got the perfect name for him. Thomas. That’s his name – Thomas Sanders.” Roman pauses, and wiggles his fingers a bit. “Thoughts?”

Remus perks up. “Oh, our fictional character has thots now?”

“Crawling all over him like weevils,” Virgil nods.

“I thought we were calling ourselves ‘Sides’,” says Janus.  

“Guys, please,” Roman begs.

“Thomas sounds good to me,” is Patton’s opinion. “It’s nice and friendly, and also it has two syllables, like the rest of us! It kind of fits in like that.”

“It is a surprisingly apt name, especially when you take into consideration that Roman most likely did not know of the linguistic root when picking it,” Logan muses.

Remus waves a hand lazily from where he’s draped backwards over the couch, writing Transformers inflation porn on the notes app of his shitty phone. “Uh, noparoni, falsehood, all that jazz. I was watching. He went on babynames dot com and everything for this.”

“...What he said, yeah.”

“Ah, yes, babynames dot com, the internet’s premier and leading source for all accurate name derivations,” comes the dry response.

“Thomas means twin,” Roman says. “It means twin, and it’s funny because we all look identical! It’s like another layer of meaning! A fun little injoke, just for us.”

“Yes,” says Virgil, “you’re right. We need many, many deep layers of meaning and in-jokes woven into the shared identity we’re crafting as part of Roman and Remus’s wild, spur-of-the-moment internet scam.”

“How dare you,” Roman objects loudly, flailing so suddenly that he nearly falls off the couch. “This is polar opposite of a scam, we’re – we are merely taking advantage of our uncanny shared appearance to... share joy amongst the humble Youtube vlogging community! And perhaps show off. Just a little. But to say that it’s a scam – ”

“No, this is definitely a scam,” Janus says. “I mean, look at us. We’re inventing an entire person for internet clout.”

Patton looks like he’s having second thoughts about this whole thing. “I’m having second thoughts,” he says. “Like, on an ethical, moral sort of level, is any of this... really a good idea?”

“People invent other people for shittier reasons all the time, I think we’re fine,” Virgil says. “I mean, look at internet catfishes. Or every male fiction writer with a very obvious and creepy fetish. Or J.K. Rowling.”

“J.K. Rowling doesn’t exist?” Janus says. “Excellent. We won, boys.”

Roman grabs a pen and scribbles it into the notebook, next to a hasty little stickman doodle of an average-looking guy and a list of qualities and attributes and skills. “Well, all that aside, nobody seems to have an objection to this, so Thomas it is! Thomas Sanders. Thomas I’ve-Just-Realized-He-Needs-A-Middle-Name Sanders.”

“Thomas F Sanders,” Remus suggests.

“The F stands for ‘Fucking’, doesn’t it,” sighs Patton.

“Well, yeah.”

“Way to go for the low-hanging fruit, dude,” Virgil says. “Okay, put a pin in the middle name for now. Our collective brainchild has a name, so... that’s something. I guess.” He grabs the notebook from Roman and squints down at the short-ish list they have so far. “Any more character traits we wanna give this guy?”

“Intense love of Disney films,” Roman says.

“We’ve already got that; you suggested it about five times already.”

“Maybe he can play the ukulele!” Patton suggests.

Virgil nods, and starts to write it down before stopping abruptly. “Wait. Can any of us play the ukulele?”

Silence.

“He can only have traits that we already have,” Virgil reminds them. “That’s the whole idea. We’re derivatives of him.”

“Well, I’ll work on the ukulele thing,” Roman says decisively. “Put it down anyway. Anyone else?”

“He can’t cook to save his life,” Janus says.

“Catholic guilt,” Logan provides, with a little wince and a slight adjustment of his glasses. “It provides a good base for many of the plotlines we wish to include in this, I believe.”

“Give him a huge dick,” Remus says.

“Remus,” Roman growls.

“Just a humungous badonker of a penis. He beats his meat and the entire earth rumbles.”

“Remus,” Patton groans.

Remus grins. "He’s packing some real chunky meat down there. As in, his drill is a five star excavator. A proper manmade wonder. It's the kind of meal you get a prize for finishing. A bridge between two warring nations. And the girth! God had to resize the Earth so the radii wouldn't match. You can use his cast iron pelvic greatsword as a radiation shield in Chernobyl. His – "

“Remus, weren’t you listening? We’re only giving him traits that we already have,” Virgil says, looking Remus dead in the eyes. “I’m not going to let you misrepresent yourself like this.”

The room almost immediately erupts into a loud chorus of enthusiastic oohs. Quite a few people throw things at Virgil, who lets out a snort of amusement and ducks to avoid getting nailed in the eye by a stray television remote control. Remus just cackles.

“We’re going to have to tone back the dick jokes, probably,” says Janus with some regret, once everybody calms down a bit. “Don’t want to get demonetized within the first few weeks.”

“Well, Remus already broke the Youtube demonetization speedrun last week, so at least we know what not to do,” Patton says absently. “The real question is, though – who’s going to actually play this Thomas person?

“Don’t look at me,” says Janus. “I’m looking forward to getting the play the villain for once.”

Patton points at him, mock-glaring. “Hey, don’t think you’re missing out on a redemption arc just because you like the evil aesthetic!”

Janus lets out a little affronted hissing noise at that, but doesn’t actually object.

“Well, I’m not shaving my moustache for any of you fuckers, no matter how much internet clout we’re gonna get for it,” Remus declares.

A quick, meaningful glance is exchanged between the four remaining people in the room.  

“Leave me out of it,” Virgil decides.

“I don’t really mind, either way,” Patton says.

“In that case, I shall arm-wrestle you for the honor of portraying our glorious, talented and entirely fictional centre of being on our upcoming Grammy-award-winning sixty-part webseries,” Roman declares, flexing dramatically.

“Which may or may not be a scam,” Logan says.

“...Look, are we doing this or what?”

“Absolutely.” Logan places down his book, and shrugs off his jacket. “I should warn you, however – I am what I believe is colloquially referred to as ‘absolutely fucking ripped’.” He breaks out into a surprisingly wicked smile. “Roman, let me be clear. I am going to be the one to portray Thomas Fucking Sanders, our beloved nonexistent media superstar culmination-of-our-collective-selves. And I am about to flat-out destroy you. Let’s go.”

There’s a beat of silence as everybody stares at Logan. The stares range from impressed to terrified to obviously horny. All of these are equally valid emotions to be feeling, because Logan is ripped, and somehow none of them have ever realized this before.

“Well, before we do that, give me five minutes to make popcorn,” says Janus. “Because I have a feeling we’re going to need it.”

[goattypegirl]

Harrow the Ninth Live Read: Chapter 1-2

Poor Harrow :(

Chapter 1:

Ok back to second person! And we’re nine months pre-murder.

Is the sword actually burning or is this psychosomatic? She doesn't flinch when she pierces her hand to make the bone glove so maybe?

The muscle memory from Gideon seems to be gone. Maybe Harrow's traumatized? Understandably so tbh. And she's lowkey suicidal. Mood. Ok yeah this feels more like shock than anything supernatural. The events of Canaan House, becoming a Lyctor, being on a spaceship hospital, and unable to properly paint a skull mask... Poor Harrow.

Ok yeah being a Lyctor sounds fucking terrifying. Being aware at all times of everything around you... what a sensory nightmare.

Damn okay, Harrows being visited by the Body. Now I'm wondering if it is just a hallucination or if its something more. A part of Harrow seems to think its the latter...

"Red, and wet, and ill defined." Oh god Harrow what did you do.

Chapter 2

Knocking and waiting for permission before entering being a true sign of Divinity is sad and hilarious.

Harrow has a point. Why would necromancer demigods need swords? On the other hand, swords fuck, so.

I do wonder what life is like for the average person on Erebos. I was half thinking it was literally just the emperor and the lyctors in the First House.

Oh my god God is ghosting one of the Lyctors. "Make static noises". Slacker God is a rare character archetype but it's always so fucking funny.

And Harrow can raise eighteen thousand dead? Or is he talking about himself? Hmm...

Well thats a pretty smart way of carrying a greatsword when actually touching it makes you violently ill.

So it is trauma? I guess that explains everything being in second person; it adds a layer of depersonalization to the narration.

Wow ok being a Lyctor really sucks. Being intensely aware at all times of all the bodies on the ship...

The emperors speaking metaphorically, right? Or could we be reading a story about chronurgists now?

Yooo cryosleep! Part of me is wondering if these weren’t actually people alive 10,000 years ago who were resurrected, but frozen zygotes that have been artificially aged into people? IDK. 

Oh no. These special caskets are for the cavaliers and heirs that died in Canaan House, aren’t they? Yep, yes they are. Ok. Wait, the black casket with the rose, that has Cyntherea’s body, but it’s decorated like a Ninth house? Or has Harrow already switched to thinking of herself as First House, and black is the color for both the First and Ninth Houses? 

“You wanted to be relieved, but no longer recalled how that worked, glandularly speaking.” I really don’t think there’s something supernatural going on here, but. I once read someone’s worldbuilding notes on how liches worked in their D&D game, and it boiled down to liches are immortal, but all bodily functions have to be manually done. Swallowing, breathing, heart beating, cell division all had to be done manually. Their mind expanded to allow for that, but eventually all liches slip up and their body starts to fall apart. Anyway. That’s not what’s happening here, but I was reminded of it.

I want to see fanart of the Emperor, or at least his eyes, because I just cannot picture it. All I can picture is just oily black/rainbow eyes. I had this same problem reading the Lightbringer series. I do not know how eyeball anatomy works.

Bro what do you mean the cost is too great. Crackpot theory: there’s some kind of like thanergy pressure difference? And if the Emperor actually steps foot on one of the planets, the Resurrection is undone and everyone suddenly dies.

Of course he doesn’t know how to hug. Gods Who Are Fully Aware They Are Bastards is another rare, favorite trope of mine.

Okay this is a lot of science words but I’m following so far. Okay, so only humans have souls... Okay, I remember reading this in the guide at the end of Gideon the Ninth. It is really weird that planets in the Dominicus system have both death energy and life energy, for reasons I couldn’t quite put my finger on. But, planets have souls, apparently! Cool!

Being pissed that another major that you always thought was stupid would have covered this a lot earlier than you is kinda relatable lmao.

Okay, I can see where this is going, but there’s a wider scale story we’re only getting pieces of here. Necromancy and thanergy are like viruses that slowly kill a planet, literally. And the entire population has to be relocated, presumably to a new infected planet. Late stage necromancy capitalism.

Also, the Body moving Harrow’s arms for her is strikingly similar to her hallucination of Gideon at the end of the last book... 

OKAY COOL. PLANET SIZED GHOSTS. RESSURECTION BEASTS. UNDERSTOOD. 

GOD IS CRYING.

THEY EAT PLANETS.

LYCTORS HAVE DIED DISTRACTING THEM.

FUCK.

Okay. 3 are left. There were 9. 5 were defeated? And those were... Two, Eight, and Six. I’m with Harrow. The math does not check out.

Oh, okay, they automatically home in on the Emperor and Lyctors no matter where they are. Cool. Understood. 

(Which indelible sin lmao).

Uhhhh what the fuck? So the Body has Gideon’s eyes now. That’s not good. Okay she’s talking to it now and it’s responding. “I am half a Lyctor?” “Ortus did not die for nothing?” Excuse me?

Ooooh. Okay. I think I know what’s going on. Harrow is trying to completely erase Gideon from her mind. That’s why the Emperor’s mouth ‘looked strange’ when he said Ortus. That’s why she doesn’t have the muscle memory she should have gotten from Gideon.

Poor Harrow.

EDIT: Oh my god I'm an idiot. This totally recontextualizes the Parados chapter. It might just be Harrows perspective of that chapter in the library with Gideon, but with Gideon forcibly redacted and replaced with Ortus... that would explain why the Body said it didn't happen this way.... I've connected the two dots....

EDIT THE SECOND: thinking more about the Resurrection Beasts. The Emperor said there have been other, smaller ones besides the original 9. Perhaps created during the Cohorts campaign when they converted a planet to thanergy too fast? Second, the prologue showed Harrow and other necromancers astral projecting into the River to fight one. So, maybe over the course of the book a way to kill the Resurrection Beasts is discovered? That or they're distracting it? Third, the Emperor apparently also did the Lyctor ritual, or something close to it, to attract the Resurrection Beasts. Fourth, I was kinda right! It was a side effect of the Resurrection that prevents the Emperor from returning to the Dominicus system, and it would call all the inhabitants to die. It just wouldn't be suddenly. Hopefully.

[ravencrossffxiv]

Trial Boss Ask: The Howling Eye, Thornmarch, The Chrysalis, The Singularity Reactor, The Final Steps of Faith, Urth’s Fount,

Oh boy... This person also asked for Ultima’s Bane as well so it’s going in the same ask. This is gonna get long and it’s gonna hurt.

I feel a need to add context for these: This would be the canon timeline where everyone Raven has ever loved and cherished dies a horrible death. Most likely: The 8th Umbral Calamity. Broken by grief, her Fray takes over, lets loose and can’t control what’s happening to her. She hoards crystals and becomes Tia Lyn, goddess of grief and vengeance. (Tia Lyn was the name I snagged from Klutzy_Dragon’s Fall of the Gods Campaign that I play in. :3)

The Howling Eye -  Write a description of the opening cutscene preceding the fight.

--> As the party moves through the familiar halls of the Holy Vault, the bodies of friends and family are laid about the floor, and when they reach the top they see a woman clad in blood-stained black armor (think Abyss armor (lvl 70 AF armor if you don’t know the DRK armor sets) but stained in blood), Balmung hefted over her shoulder and crackling with black lightning. She turns to the party and her once luminous amethyst eyes were now dark and tinged red in blood, forget-me-nots woven into her short hair

She clutches a silver kite shield locket to her chest as she speaks. "You saw them did you not? Our friends, my family, all dead because of that accursed weapon. I intend to make the world BURN for the death of all those that they have taken from me! Should you stand in my way, you are no better and you will die by my sword.”

Thornmarch - What would be your character’s opening dialogue(s) upon the start of the battle?

--> “Blood for blood.”

The Chrysalis - What would be your character’s final words upon defeat?

--> "Is that...my knight?”  ((Ok I have this whole cutscene ready for after the fight and it HURTS!! As the goddess falls a familiar soul is there to catch Raven's spectral form. She looks up at him and asks if it's time to come home, if she's forgiven? He nods and her armor changes to a simple bustle, the greatsword forgotten. She looks back at the player and asks them to take Balmung with them. “To where the silent guardian rests with a broken shield.” The player nods and she walks away from the arena with the other person to the airship landing, vanishing after a certain point.))

The Final Steps of Faith - How would some of the mechanics of the fight operate? Include as many as you want and specify whether it is for hard-mode or extreme (if applicable)

--> It's a relatively simple fight with easy mechanics to dodge, though in Extreme a lot of AOEs will no longer be obviously telegraphed. The add phase might be the hardest, and only because of WHO she summons

The Singularity Reactor - Will your character summon adds and companions throughout the encounter, or would it be a single-target fight?

--> Tia Lyn does summon the bodies of her family using Myste’s powers to make them act like puppets and the party will be forced to kill them should they wish to make it through the fight. She'll summon a tank (Aymeric, Artoriel, Emmanellain, Thancred), a healer (Alphinaud, Y'shtola, Urianger), and two DPS (one melee one ranged take your pick there, some can and will interlap like Y'shtola can be either a healer or DPS, same with Thancred.) who all say the dead must not be brought back and to end them quickly before she kills the party. During this, she jumps and is charging her ultimate and if that goes off it results in the party being blown up with the Vault. (In EX, it will depend on the order, if you don’t take out the healer first the party is fucked.)

Urth’s Fount - Would there be any mechanics that when ignored would result in an instant wipe?

--> During the add phase if the NPCs she summons aren't killed in time, Tia Lyn will jump, fire and lightning wrapping around her greatsword like twining dragons and she strikes the arena, the collision of them upon hitting the party will result in a wipe (Think like in Bismarck where you get the cutscene of the whale eating the island, but instead it's the Vault exploding.)

Ultima’s Bane - On a scale of 1 to 10, with ten being the most extreme, how would you rate the difficulty of your trial?

--> It's a relatively simple fight, but it definitely is an emotional wringer. It will kick you in the emotional dick multiple times and rip your heart out. So I'd say a 3 for mechanics but an 8 for emotional damage.