#but seriously i am always hit hardest by characters who are so so tired of caring and just can't stop

[hawkeyequeerce]

I can’t get over the genius and tragedy of Hawkeye’s character. He is a study in contradictions, tearing himself apart from the inside and being torn to shreds from without. What happens to a man whose defining character trait is love in the middle of a war?

He says (sometime in season 3, can’t exactly remember what episode) that he had no choice but to become a surgeon, to become a doctor; it’s all he ever wanted, all he ever thought about. All he’s ever wanted is to help, to fix the hurts, to heal the world. He’s a staunch pacifist, he’s full of an anger that is burning him to ashes, he’s living his own worst nightmare and yet he’s still trying--still hoping that this time, maybe this one will be okay, maybe there is a happy ending, maybe he can fix something in this living hell.

And failing that, at least he can make someone smile. If he pastes a smile on his own face, makes fun of the trap they’re all in, pretends he’s not a cog in a machine that takes in boys and futures and spits out blood and mangled bodies, he can keep going. And maybe tomorrow (or the day after, or whatever time is when he’s done with a 36 hour straight surgery stint) the future will look bright again and some corner of the world can be stitched together and repaired.

[elysianslove]

hi eli bby !! its me vio again shhshf

i loved ur vball player crush hcs w miya twins && suna and can i have that too w sakusa, semi && shirabu ? MY UNDERRATED BOYS CRIES SM <//3 thank u sm <33

hiiiii my love!!! tysm for requesting these boys i love them so much. i hope you like this lysm <3

sakusa kiyoomi 

considering what i’ve seen in the anime, and some manga panels, i really don’t think omi’s a peoples person. so even in school, i doubt he was very involved with other students, and probably kept to himself 

he’s also hyper-aware of his surroundings constantly, including the people around him, so the fact that he noticed you wasn’t a shock

it’s that he noticed you, and then he couldn’t stop thinking about you

probably had some dream about you that same night that cursed him with a crush on you yk the dreams i’m talking about right? 

he still continues to keep to himself, and whenever he spots you from his peripheral vision he just dashes out of there. he realizes that forcing himself to act normally around you might actually improve his situation and help him get over whatever this stupid crush was but he was not taking any chances

he also knew nothing about you, just your last name! 

so anyways both the boys and girls vbc’s are heading the same school, so they got one bus for the both of you and combined them. 

because his general dislike for crowds, omi usually sits out in the front, especially because the door to the bus is right next to him. idk he just seems like the kind to map out an escape plan for every room/vehicle he enters i don’t have a reason why i think so

the game was happening on a weekend, really early, like way too early, so it wasn’t a surprise that you were tired. it’s an unspoken rule that those who sit in the back make a lotta noise and all that, so you opted for the front seats instead to at least try and rest a bit before the game

you don’t sit directly next to him, but there’s only an aisle separating the two of you

because, yk, manners, you give him a small smile before saying, “good morning!” and settling in your seat, your bag between your legs

omi on god freezes up lmfao

he doesn’t mean to sound so rude but it just comes out that way! he says something along the lines of “what are you doing here?” and immediately regrets it after it leaves his lips. he visibly cringes 

but instead of being thrown off, you just laugh, and sakusa curses everything behind his mask because holy shit were you gorgeous and wow was his stomach just somersaulting 

not a nice feeling 

you explain to him briefly that you’re on the vbc and you were heading to play the girls of the same school he was gonna play against and all that, and he just hums and nods and tries to ignore the thump thump thump of his heart 

you don’t really interact during the bus ride going to, it’s coming back that you do 

you tell him that you managed to glimpse the last bit of his game, where he was landing a spike, and you complimented his skills and pointed out his freakish wrist move 

he noted that he didn’t get to see you play and your brain went opportunity! 

you go “well maybe you should come to one of my dates” like the absolute smooth talker you are 

omi just hums and goes “i’ll see” 

absolutely is there lol

the development into a relationship is more implicit than explicit. the two of you don’t announce to the world, but honestly, neither do you do it to yourselves. like you’d been on a coffee date with him at some point and your parent or sibling texted something you found funny and mentioned him as your boyfriend and you showed it to him and he was like

hm

am i your boyfriend 

like idk am i your girlfriend 

he said yeah obviously 

i love this boy so fucking much pleaseeeee

but yes just as your development into a couple is subtle, so is your overall relationship. and honestly? you wouldn’t have it any other way

semi eita

omg pretty setter semi eeee

so yk how shiratorizawa students live in dorms? there’s no way semi hasn’t noticed you before, even if it’s separate dorms for different genders. like you two probably come across each other every once in a while at a vending machine or something, and exchange a word or two 

it’s not until when semi starts to look forward to seeing you, or when he gets disappointed every time you don’t make an appearance, that he realizes, you know, he’s kinda developed a liking to you

he doesn’t really know much about you, aside your name and your favorite go-to snack from the vending machine, so he’s left a little frustrated at the lack of interactions you two have. like he’s just living off that small laugh of acknowledgment and the hi, hope you sleep well! you know? like he wants more from you. he wants to get to know you

he can’t seem to ever see you in school either, because the stars hate him that much and don’t wanna align for the two of you, not even a little to share one class with him. just one

it’s just his luck, though, when a busy weekend for all the sports teams comes along, and each sport is sectioned off to a bus. volleyball boys and girls in one bus, swimming boys and girls in one bus, etc. 

he really doesn’t expect it when you get on the bus, because what the fuck you play volleyball??? and then he really doesn’t expect it when you recognize him, gasp and grin, and wave at him, and go over to sit by him

his brain’s short-circuiting 

you immediately start conversation as you’re setting your bag down like “i didn’t know you played volleyball!”

and he laughs and nods like “i didn’t know you did either” 

it’s honestly a really cute and satisfying moment like okay maybe the stars were just taking their time aligning thank you universe 

the two of you click immediately. like annoyingly so. you have so much in common, and you spend the entire ride chatting excitedly about everything and semi’s wishing he’d just asked you to hang out way sooner, like as early as the first time you’d met at that vending machine 

the girls’ games finish a lot later than the boys, so he comes and watches you play, and is enamored by you, completely. in his head he’s just ‘this girl just keeps growing more perfect.’

he walks back with you to the bus, and sits next to you as well. when you arrive back at the school, you don’t immediately go to your dorms, and he suggests grabbing a refreshing drink from somewhere nearby

it’s incredible how you still have so much to talk about 

the time passes really quick with him

it’s while you’re having that drink with him, probably iced tea or boba or something, he tells you about his small passion for music, and you make him promise to play you something at some point. he loops his pinky with yours :)

he also confides in you about having been replaced on his last year, and how he tries not to let it affect him but he really can’t help him. from then on, after each of your practices, you invite him in your gym, and have him set to you, just so you both have an excuse to spend time with each other, and so that he gets to practice and play the way he really wants to, without any restrictions placed upon him and no one waiting to take his place

i think as a couple you’d probably really bring out the best in each other, and you’re constantly always, always there for each other. really, really reliant and supportive as partners, you know? 

you go to all his games, and whenever he’s pitched in, you scream his name the loudest and cheer him on so much. one look at your face, and he’s reminded of who he is and why he does what he does, and he’s immediately grounded aw <3

shirabu kenjirō

omg shirabu with a crush 🥺🤲🏼 i love it when characters seem so cold and standoffish but as soon as they’re around the people they care about they do a 180. that’s shirabu 100%

he really, really, really liked you. like it was embarrassing at this point. he totally denied it every time anyone even thought it, and he really tried his hardest not to be obvious around you

i like to think he saw you around school and that’s how it developed a little, but maybe you were friends with some of the vbc boys because of your shared interest in the sport, and you come to play with them sometimes after practice, he’d just never be there

but one time you walked in and he was like guess im not leaving 

he was a little starstruck at the fact that you played volleyball. he honestly wouldn’t care, but it sorta felt nice that there really was something that you two had in common

and you were good. at everything. you received semi and ushijima’s serves, and goshiki’s and ōhira’s spikes, perfectly, and reacted to tendō’s blocks so well, and hit his tosses just right. you were incredible. maybe your skills were magnified from his specific lens, but there really was no denying you were skilled 

damn this. all this. 

especially any time you’d spike his toss and give him a really wide smile and say, “nice toss!” like seriously the way his heart’s spasming cannot be healthy what the fuck 

and then he finds out the girls are sharing a bus with them, and then you walk in

and then you walk towards him

obviously, outwardly he looks unimpressed and unfazed but trust, his palms are sweaty as fuck 

before the bus moves, you stand by his seat and make small talk with him about volleyball, before you realize the bus is moving and you have to sit down, but you’re still in the middle of a conversation with him, so you just sit next to him and continue like nothing happened

he just. allows it. 

the school you’d been going to had a really big court where both the girls and boys were playing in the same gymnasium on opposite sides of the court, so when you arrived and changed and all, you were like “wanna warm up together” couple goals <3

pls semi, taichi and tendō would probably tease the fuck out of him lmfao. he’d just glare at them but he has such a big blush on his cheeks as he stretches and warms up with you that the glare is completely ineffective 

you go to sit next to him on the bus ride home, but the day’s exhaustion catches up to you, plus the bus’s movements are lulling you, so you end up falling asleep on his shoulder, and when shirabu first notices that you’d actually fallen asleep, he looks down at you with such a dreamy and awestruck face. goshiki took a picture and likes to torment him with it. shirabu has it as his lockscreen now lol 

as your boyfriend, he’s the exact same. very standoffish to everyone outwardly but to you? it’s a different story. 

nonetheless it’s not very obvious. so yes, he will have a scowl on his face as he tells you off, but his lips are slightly upturned and there’s a little pink shade on his cheeks that show just how endearing he thinks you are 

really loves to practice with you because he loves seeing you in your zone like that. also you look hot

anyways yes he’s such a cutie i will not take criticism 

[cades-outsider]

Eli/Hawk X Reader

Warnings: This may get you in your feels for a sec! Very slight smut warning!

Fighting Gravity

You would be lying if you said it wasn't tough, it was the hardest thing you have done. It's not easy breaking up with someone but you felt as if you had no other choice.

You were with Eli before he turned into Hawk, before he started becoming someone who he despised the most, he became his worst enemy; a bully.

Just as if the day could get any worse you had to be at school, well it was lunch time so it wasn't so bad. I mean you were already halfway through school just two more classes, that you also share with Demetri.

"Listen to me Y/n" Demetri says catching your attention.

You playfully roll your eyes as you know that he's going to tell you a cheesy Star Wars joke, that will most likely be funny to only you and Demetri and we'll Eli if he were a 'nerd' again as he calls it.

"Which Star Wars character works at a restaurant?" He questions, already laughing at the joke he was thinking of.

"I don't know who?" You ask sarcastically.

"Darth Waiter" Demetri says, now fully laughing at his own joke.

He laughs at his own joke caused to you to laugh, plus it was a cheesy move. The laughing dies down as you and Demetri stop, in the middle of the hallway. Eyes subconsciously connecting with each other's, you both feel yourselves being pulled towards one another.

"What the h*ll do you think you're doing nerd?!" You hear someone yell causing both you and Demetri to pull away, have being caught.

"I-uh well-" Demetri stutters before you speak up, Demetri sighs in relief.

"Why do you care? We aren't together anymore" You exclaim, as Hawk walks closer to you both.

"Yeah I wonder why, it's not like I wanted you anyways" He smirks.

You knew what was happening, you knew that he was just putting on a facade to the students that don't give a crap about him.

"Oh yeah? And how's that working out for you" You smirk.

"Quite well actually, I don't have to see your ugly reflection everyday" Hawk snarls.

"Yeah well neither do I" You scoff, almost saying something bad but you bite back your lip. Knowing that's Eli's insecure spot, that you shouldn't bring up.

  You bite back the urge to say something you'd regret in the long run "whatever I'm not even in the mood" you roll your eyes and walk away.

"Come on Demetri" You demand as he follows behind.

  "Uh- what was that?" He asks referring to the almost kiss.

  "I- I don't know" You admit honestly.

  He decides to not ask any more questions even though it kept running around his mind. After lunch, the day went by pretty fast you were driving on the way home when you got a call. It was Demetri.

Both Demetri and Moon decided to get your mind off of things, so she threw you a as she called it a 'get over hawk' party. Which was what Demetri called to tell you about of course.

"Come on Y/n! This will help you in-lighten your inner spiritual self!" Moon says jumping up and down, clapping excitedly.

"Fine fine fine...." you mumble, knowing you couldn't say no to Moon.

"Yay!" She exclaims happily.

"Come on I have the perfect dress for you!" She says pulling you into her closet full of dresses and unique outfits.

"Here! Take this!" Moon pushes the dress into your chest, excited.

  You don't even get time to check out the dress before Moon rushes you into her second closet, "rude..." you mumble playfully.

  You slip on the dress, with no problems at all. It fit ever curve just perfectly. "Wow.." you gape as you spin around looking at yourself in the mirror.

  The dress included a slit in the middle from your thigh and it was a sparkling blue shade, with spaghetti straps.

  Not even a second later Moon barges into the closet causing you to jump, she squeals cheerfully "o-m-g you look so sexy!" She says smirking, proud of herself.

"Wait, why am I wearing a dress when I'm just going to swim anyways?" You question.

"Oh you silly Y/n! We're showing Hawk what he's missing!" Moon says smiling as she grabs some of her green juice that she made.

"Okay.." You nod your head, trailing off.

"Plus I bought me a matching colored dress!" She says holding up the dress.

You gasp "it's beautiful Moon! You'll look gorgeous! As always" You gush.

Moon smiles slightly at the compliment "well what are you waiting for! Let me do your hair" She says ushering you in the chair.

After a couple hours Moon had finished your makeup and hair turning you around to see your beautiful reflection in the mirror.

"Wow.." you gape at the magic Moon had put into.

  "I know right!" Moon agrees.

  "Oo- I'm going to slip on my dress!" She exclaims happily as she rushes into her bathroom.

  An hour went by and people were finally here, kids eating pizza in the corner, some drinking beer, and some already throwing up in the lawn.... 'pfttt lightweights' you giggle to yourself.

  In the middle of your direction you seen Hawk and a group of his friends sitting around him, a red solo cup in his hands as his fierce eyes scan over the partying people. Only to be met with your beautiful shinning eyes.

  His demeanor changes almost immediately, he was tired of putting up this act yeah. But he did not want to go back to the kid with the weird lip, so throwing this act away was a no at least for now.

  His eyes sparkle with admiration as he scans your beautiful features, and your sparkling blue dress. He couldn't help but let his eyes wander to the slit in your dress which revealed your right thigh.

  Just then Demetri walks over to you with a wave "hey Y/n, would you like to I don't know per say go for a swim?" He asks, beating around the bush.

  Sparing a side glance at Hawk you notice his jaw clench as he squeezes his red solo cup causing whatever liquor that was held inside to drip down his hands and onto the floor.

  Deciding what harm could do you nod "I'd love too" you reply as he leads you both to the pool outside, few people in the pool which confused you considering it seems like people always head for the pool first at party's.

  Unzipping the side of your dress you reveal your white bikini that Moon had bought for you three days prior as a best friend-adversary gift along with a matching gold necklace.

  You of course returned the gesture as this was your best friend were talking about, you fold the dress and put it under your towel so it wouldn't get wet.

  Demetri had already started getting in the pool, sitting down as you got in slowly enjoying the cold water against your warm skin.

  "You know Y/n, you look not the term I would use... but you look mighty fine" Demetri compliments causing you to giggle but roll your eyes playfully.

  That is until you hear a cup hit the concrete ground next to you, "you just can't stay away from what's mine can you Demetri" Hawk interrupts.

  You look up at him in shock, obviously it was just a compliment so why is he getting all worked up. I mean when people compliment Hawk you certainly try to start anything with them.

  "Hawk, cool it" You say softly, not wanting to come off as rude.

  "Oh so I'm supposed to 'cool it' while I watch Demetri flirt with you? H*ll no." He states bluntly as he starts walking closer to Demetri.

  Deciding you didn't want to see one of your friends get beat today, you pull yourself out of the pool. Gently you grab hawk by his forearm, grab your towel and push him into the pool shed full of floats.

  Roughly you slam his back against the wall causing a couple floats to fall off the wall "we need to talk" You state.

  Hawk's breathing picks up at how close you both are, "no talking" he says sliding his hands onto your cheek, rubbing his thumb in circles against your skin.

  "Just kissing..." He mumbles before placing his lips upon yours, pulling your body closer into his causing him to get wet since you just got out of the pool.

  You pull away leaving Eli with a hurt look as you push onto his chest pressing him against the wall firmer "we talk and sort things out then I give you what you want." You state firmly.

  Slowly Hawk nods, giving you puppy eyes "Look Eli, I love you I really do. But I don't like watching you become someone who you used to hate, I don't want you to inflict pain mentally... and physically like others did to you" You exclaim softly, rubbing his cheek soothingly.

  His jaw clenches before he soon relaxes "i understand Y/n, and I'm sorry I just didn't want to be the weird kid with the lip anymore..." He mumbles, slowly tearing up.

  "Eli... baby, you were never the kid with the weird lip. I love you for you, not strength, muscles, or popularity but you. I loved your corny jokes-" You rest your arms around his neck "-I loved your shyness, I loved your battle scar baby... it's what makes you my Eli" You finish as a small tear falls down Eli's eye.

  "Don't get me wrong, I love your confidence now and I love your hair but I didn't want you to get to wrapped up in it" You mumble softly.

  "I'm sorry Y/n, I really am" Eli mumbles, digging his head into your shoulder and wrapping his arms around your waist.

  "Don't be Eli, baby I understand what happened and I know why it happened but just know I always loved and always will love the real you" You say smiling as you lift his head up with your thumb.

  You run your finger over the scar on his lip before placing a gentle, loving kiss upon the scar "this is beautiful Eli, don't be afraid to love who you are" You praise as Eli feels his heart warm up with love.

  Eli reaches down and picks you up by your thighs before placing you on the little couch that laid in the room, he places his smooth lips on top of yours letting you feel his vulnerable state.

  He tugs in the middle of your bikini asking for permission if he cold take it off but before you could respond someone busts into the shed causing you both to jump.

  It was some horny couple making out and slamming each other against the walls removing clothing not even paying attention or noticing you two.

  "Seriously?! Get out!" Eli yells, startling the couple causing them to rush out half naked.

  You giggle as you rest on your elbows, sitting yourself up a little as Eli sits on his knees halfway straddling your thighs.

  "You think this is funny huh?" He teases has he bends down leaving kisses on your neck.

  "Yeah, I love the rush of being caught" You exclaim, catching Eli off guard.

  "Oh really? We'll see about that"

_______________________________________________

Thank you @peachymelon69 for requesting! I hope you enjoyed!

[nagito-kissmaeda]

Arcade - Komaeda x Reader

ミ☆  Just a silly thing I wrote about an arcade employee being baffled while Komaeda clears out all the machines lol ミ☆ I’ve been feeling kind of down about my writing so i just wanted to do something fun. It’s not very good haha. I’m tired and i can’t write good asjfkakd

Night shift at the arcade is usually pretty quiet. Most people start leaving around dinner time and while there are usually still some hardcore gamers lurking around until the AM, most of them only come in on Friday’s or weekends. So the job is usually easy breezy, most nights you lean up on the counter and browse the internet on your phone until your shift ends.

Tonight though, you have been acutely watching as this guy moves from machine to machine. Absolutely clearing them out. You’ve never seen anything like it. Presently, you are crouched behind a claw machine filled with Hello Kitty plushies as this guy slips two bucks into the Big Bass Wheel cabinet. Your eyes drift over to the last cabinet he used, the Wizard of Oz coin pusher. It is empty , you have never seen that happen in the whole time you’ve worked here. You weren’t even sure it could happen.

The guy spins the wheel, it spins and spins and spins. Jackpot. Your eyes narrow, a jackpot isn’t too uncommon, it honestly isn’t even worth that many tickets, but then he nonchalantly slides in another two dollars and hits jackpot again . This is starting to get suspicious.

The machine is spitting out tickets now, so many tickets. Even the guy looks surprised, you are definitely surprised. Two jackpots is not worth that many tickets, but they just keep coming and coming. Machine fault? Must be. The guy looks almost resigned at this point, sighing unhappily as the tickets keep spewing out, like they’re wasting his time and not like this was a superhuman feat of luck. Then, the machine starts smoking.

“Shit!” You hiss, jumping up from your hiding place behind the claw machine and dashing over to the guy before anything catches on fire. You’ve caught him by surprise, he probably didn’t realise you were following him around, “out of the way, please!”

He ducks out of the way, pulling his armfuls worth of tickets along with him as you switch the arcade cabinet off at the wall. The machinery inside stops whirring and the smoke calms down. You wipe your forehead with the back of your hand, you’ve never seen a machine fault this badly before, you were probably going to need to file an indecent report. What a pain.

“You okay?” You ask the guy. He is a lot taller up close, and the shock of messy white hair on his head only makes him seem taller. He sways like a palm tree in the breeze, clutching onto his massive wad of tickets for dear life.

“I’m sorry. I broke your machine.”

Oh...his voice is softer than you had expected it would be. The lights from a nearby Daytona cabinet are reflecting in his green eyes. You swallow, “You didn't break anything, machine fault, it happens sometimes.”

His eyes drift away from you and over to the cabinet, the smoke has stopped now, it doesn't look like there was too much damage, but he looks very upset about it anyway.

“Hey, seriously, dont worry about it.” You give him an awkward pat on his forearm, “The machines in here are really old, stuff like this happens all the time.”

“Oh...ah…” He bites his lip, “If you’re sure…”

You smile, “Yeah, don't even sweat it. You can keep the tickets by the way, once they're out of the machine it's a nightmare to get them back in again, so consider it an apology for almost setting you on fire.”

He laughs weakly, “Thank you.”

“Hey, uh…” You start, not so subtle eyeing his ticket collection. A decent chunk of it was from that Big Bass Wheel malfunction, an already exorbitant number was won legit. More than you had ever seen anyone win before, “are you a cabinet master?”

“A...what?”

“Like, you know all the sweet spots on the machines. Technically not cheating, but not entirely legal either.”

His eyes widen, “Did I do something wrong?”

“No!” You shake your head at him, “You just won a lot of tickets is all. I’ve never seen someone win that many tickets.”

“I’m just really lucky. It’s all i'm good at, honestly.” He’s fiddling with the tickets in his arms, “My friend’s birthday is coming up and i'm trying to win her that Sailor Moon statue.”

It is true that there is a coveted Sailor Moon statue amongst the arcade’s prize collection. It’s huge, beautifully painted and according to your boss, incredibly rare . It’s been sitting there on the shelf for god knows how long, still tight in it’s shrinkwrap. Generally the most any player is able to afford is three or four sticky hands and a glow in the dark spider ring, but this guy is getting tantalisingly close.

You cross your arms and smirk at him, “You’re really that lucky?”

“Most of the time.”

“Okay then. You’re going to play Monster Drop next, it's the hardest cabinet we have.” You start heading over to the machine in the back of the arcade, it’s huge, you always forget how huge it is. The guy is diligently following behind you, shoulders hunched like he’s trying to make himself seem smaller. The pile of tickets in his arms rustling as he walks, “I’ve never seen anyone get a monster jackpot on this thing. Also my boss filled it with a bunch of different sized balls, so it's basically impossible to get a standard jackpot too, even after practicing at other arcades.”

“Hm. Is that really fair?”

You shrug a shoulder, “Nope. It’s big and loud, so lots of people want to play it and Boss doesn't want too many people winning. there's a catch though, raise the difficulty and you also raise the ticket payout. So if you manage to beat it, you'll be able to afford Sailor Moon.”

The current ticket payout is displayed in flashing red lights, 72,483 . With every failed attempt at hitting the monster jackpot the payout just gets higher and higher, those tantalising numbers draw in more kids hoping to be the one who gets lucky. A number that big means the cabinet has never been won, a smart arcade goer knows that a number like that means stay away.

“How do I play?” He asks, dropping his ticket collection on the ground at his feet.

“Ah, it’s deceptively simple.” You grab his hand and tug him over to the machine, gesturing up at where the balls drop down from, “You just need to press the button to let out a ball, and that’s literally it. The base of the machine spins around to make it harder to get the balls in. Monster jackpot is in the middle, so you would think a straight drop down would jackpot you every time but-”

He smirks wryly, “it’s never that easy is it?”

“Of course not! We’d never make any money if it was.”

He laughs to himself, pulling another coin out of his pocket and clinking it into the machine, “Ah, only one turn?”

You hold up a finger, “Just the one.”

He laughs again, “Brutal.”

“Very.” You take a step back to give him room to familiarise himself with the machine. Most people like to observe it from a few angles, take some time, watch at least one cycle before using up their one shot, “Good luck.”

He turns to you and smiles, “Thanks, but like i said, this is the one thing i'm good at.” He pushes the button, he isn't even looking at the machine, the rotating base hasn't even finished half a cycle. This guy is ballsy.

Despite his gumption, the ball falls a little short of the monster jackpot, “Aw, bad luck-” you start saying, but then it starts bouncing. Once off the base, three times off the sides, up high into the air and then plonk . Straight into the monster jackpot. All you can do is stare. Not only did he get the jackpot, he got it in a rigged machine while he wasn't even looking .

He laughs politely, the sound barely audible of the cabinet’s furious ringing bells and sirens signalling an impossible feat just happened here, everyone look! The tickets have started dispensing, with over 70k to print, it's going to be a long wait, “Jeez, that was scary. I almost thought my luck had run out there!”

He looks completely relaxed as he starts folding the fresh tickets into the neatest pile he can manage, “Are you a god or something?”

“Huh?” He says, blinking down at you, “That’s such a strange thing to ask me.”

“You just beat Monster Drop without looking . I’ve seen professional cabinet masters come in here and still lose after examining the machine for a good two hours!”

“Oh, no need to be impressed. I didn't actually do anything.” He smiles sadly and continues collecting his tickets, “It’s not really much of a talent, but i suppose it comes in handy sometimes.”

You clap a palm to your forehead, unable to believe what you are hearing, “You’re going to have enough tickets for the Sailor Moon statue and enough leftover for like...unlimited sticky hands.”

He taps a finger to his lips, “Oh! I would like some sticky hands.”

“How many?”

His brow creases as he considers it, “Three or four, i guess.”

“Three or-” you start laughing, “Buddy, i could pour the whole box into your bag if you wanted.”

“I don't think i need that many sticky hands, but it's very kind of you to offer.”

“We also have glow in the dark spider rings, and a robust selection of slinkies. Oh! If you really want to splurge we have a pair of slippers that resemble a character from Rick and Morty.”

He grimaces, “I would prefer the slinkies.”

You hear the arcade cabinet’s ticket dispenser finally come to a stop, and despite his good natured effort to collect the tickets in a neat pile, they are still all bunched up around his ankles. You are about to ask him another question when you quickly realise that the Monster Drop machine is now also smoking.

He sighs, “I should have known.”

You don't have time to look into that comment, you are too busy scrambling around to the back of the machine so you can turn the power off at the wall. Much like last time, you catch it before anything actually catches on fire. This has been a very eventful day.

“Hey, uh-” you start awkwardly, pulling yourself up from the ground and moving to help the guy contend with his ticket pile, “I finish in like half an hour...if you need help carrying your miscellaneous arcade prizes back to your car or whatever…”

He blinks at you as you both reach the prize counter and deposit the monstrous ticket collection onto the bench, “I should be okay on my own...but if you want to come I wouldn't mind, though I can’t guarantee I won’t set anything else on fire…” he chuckles nervously and you give him a quizzical look.

You do want to go with him, you aren't sure if it’s just a morbid curiosity about his luck with the arcade machines, or a fascination with the soft halo of white hair falling into his eyes, but you want to get to know him better, “I’ll come with you. You don’t have anywhere near enough fingers for all the glow in the dark spider rings I’m about to give you.” You say as you round the counter and start organising his tickets into more manageable piles.

He smiles, “that does sound like a good idea. I don’t want to drop any of my brand new sticky hands, after all.” He leans forward on the counter, blinking up at you. He’s got really pretty eyelashes, “I’m Nagito Komaeda, in case you were wondering.”

You laugh, “Nice to meet you, Nagito. Now give me 20 minutes to count all your damn tickets.”

[hybrid-in-progress]

9:15pm

Warnings: anxiety; worrying; paranoia; vivid imagination; descriptions of a horror story; frightened character; comfort; one kiss at the end (if there’s any warnings I forgot please let me know and I’ll add them)

A/N: I was feeling particularly low this evening and felt like I needed to write something. 9:15pm is when I felt low and my brain is too tired at the moment to come up with a better title. 

What happens to the main character, Alexandria, is something that has happened to me many times. My imagination, as proud of it as I am at times, can sometimes be my own personal hell. I’ve never read anything that deals with this, which has left me feeling really lonely and embarrassed because as people always say, “It’s just in your head��. I did not write this to upset anyone, it was just my way of getting something out that’s been digging a hole in my brain and heart for years now. I am so sorry if this has upset you and I hope you have a good rest of your day. Take care of yourself. 

I hope you don’t mind the tags, if you want to be removed let me know: @jarpad24, @natasha-romxnoff, @phoenixhalliwell, @whatafuckingdumbass 

Feedback is greatly appreciated!

***

I could faintly hear the music playing from my iPod next to me. I remember turning the volume up higher than usual, since I was the only one in the house and a particular song I liked was playing. What was the song called, again? God, c’mon Andy, it’s one of your favourites!

Madness by Ruelle, that’s it. 

As if tuning back into a radio, the music hits harder and louder on my ears and I feel my head swaying with the beat as a ribbon dancer comes to mind. Why is it always a ribbon dancer I imagine when listening to this song? 

I look down at the sketchbook in front of me, my hand lying limp on the paper with a pencil between my fingers. What to draw. what to draw, what to draw? My mind comes up with nothing interesting or concrete, only blurred things that I can’t really identify. How am I supposed to draw a blur, huh?

The blurs continue to dance in my head, slowly dragging me back into myself until I don't know where I am anymore. I can feel the bedsheets underneath my crossed legs and I can still hear the music, but it’s all very distant. Too distant. 

The blurs have a hold on me now, their shapeless forms gripping at all sides of my brain like dried glue. The view of my bedroom from my seat on the bed has blurred, too, though it’s staying back as if it’s scared of what’s in my head. 

My chest tightens and my breathing picks up, and I can feel a very small (barely there) lump beginning to form in my throat. It doesn’t do anything as usual. The lump doesn’t grow or stretch or rise, it just sits there at the hollow of my throat taunting me, tugging my heart gently but with enough pull to notice and irritate. 

The sudden urge to cry and ball my eyes out takes over, but no sting comes to my eyes to warrant tears. The lump in my throat doesn’t grow either, but I can feel my chest preparing itself for a sobbing fest. It’s like a pool is overflowing in my ribcage, spilling out over the bones and coursing over my muscles, trying to find a way out. 

My mouth is dry. My shoulders are slumped more than usual. I want to cry, I most likely need to. The blurs are still there in my head, floating amongst nothingness and contemplating what form to take. When they finally do decide my heart tightens and my throat goes raw. 

‘This is why you should always check under your bed for monsters-’

“-No.” The word comes out in a whisper as I clench my eyes shut. That horrifying story has been in my head for days; I’ve lost sleep over thinking about it!

I suddenly open my eyes again, terrified and half expecting a man with a knife like the one from the story to be peeking his head out from under my bed frame. I squirm at the thought, my wide eyes staring at the edge of the mattress expecting a jump scare like in the movies or video games. 

‘It’s there. It’s there. It’s there.’

I shake my head slightly to get rid of the thoughts, bringing my hands up to my chest and cradling them for comfort. 

‘It’s under the bed. It’s under the bed. It’s under the bed.’

“There’s nothing there.” I tell myself, my toes curling and tucking underneath my knees, “There’s nothing there.”

The lump in my throat has tripled in size now and I can feel it trying to push its way into my mouth. I let out a high pitched whine instead, my eyes narrowing to slits and never leaving the edge of the bed. My spine has gone cold and the back of my neck feels unbelievably exposed, making my bring my hands there to cover the skin. I turn my head to look over my shoulder and see if the man under my bed is behind me, waiting for me. 

He’s not there. I whip my head back around to see if he’s taken his chance to reveal himself in front of me, but he’s not there either. He’s nowhere. 

“Nothing is under your bed, Andy.” I tell myself, subconsciously rocking myself back and forth, “You’ve been in the house all day, there’s no way a fully grown man could break in and hide under your bed without you knowing. There’s nothing there.”

‘Are you sure?’

Another squeal leaves my lips and I curl in on myself even more, falling back against the pillows. I bring my shoulders up to my jaw to protect my neck, which feels like it’s about to collapse. My chest is heaving and forcing huffs and gasps out of my mouth, the occasional squirm and whine escaping with them. 

“You’re ok. You’re ok. You’re ok. You’re fine. You’re ok. You’re fine.”

My attempt at self comfort does nothing but swell the lump in my throat, forcing out another choked whimper. I’m pushing myself against the hard wooden headboard, trying to distance myself from the imaginary man under the bed. 

“Andy?” says a voice. 

I’m snapped out of my stare towards the edge of the bed and I look towards the bedroom door, where Desmond stands with his hand on the door handle. He looks worried, but not surprised. 

“Dez...” I say, the word coming out choked. 

Without hesitation he’s making his way over to me. He’s not coming at lightening speed, which I’m grateful for, but he’s not slow either. He approaches the bed at the same speed you’d approach an animal that was greatly hurt; cautious but determined and steady. 

My eyes flicker down to the edge of the bed, waiting for a hand to lurch out from underneath and grasp Desmond’s ankle. But it doesn’t happen. Instead, Desmond slowly and carefully crawls onto the bed and over to me, reaching out one of his hands as a silent question,

Can I touch you?

As an answer, I reach out both my arms like a child and instantly Desmond is falling into them, wrapping his own around my shoulders as he takes his place against the headboard next to me. I bury the side of my face into his shirt, clenching my eyes shut and letting tears fall. My cheeks are already a little wet but I don't care. 

A sob wracks my body and I cling to Desmond for dear life, trying my hardest to ground myself with the feeling of his arms around me, of the feel of his shirt in my fists, of the smell of him. He smells like his car, of the rain outside, and of something else which I’ve never been able to place but has always only come from him. 

We lay there like that for what feels like hours. My knees tucked up to my chest, my entire body shaking with sobs, and Desmond just sitting next to me, holding me as steady as a rock but still feeling as soft as a pillow. His heartbeat thrums against my ear from under his clothes, reaching out to me like a little guardian inside a hero. 

‘My hero. My guardian.’ 

Finally, the sobs turn into small gasps of breath, hiccups almost, and I feel my own heart calm down inside my ribcage, the overflowing pool being reined under control again. I let out a long sigh, feeling my entire body relax against Desmond’s. 

We sit in silence for a few minutes more, Desmond kissing my head and rubbing my back soothingly. The gesture almost restarts the tears. 

“Do you want a drink?” Desmond asks. 

My immediate thought is yes, but that would mean leaving the bed and the position that we’re in. I don’t want to leave this, just yet. So, I shake my head no. 

“In a bit.” I whisper, my voice not having the strength to speak any louder. 

“Okay... Do you want to talk about it?”

‘It’s so stupid.’

The lump in my throat, which has gradually been going down, decides to jump, threatening to rise again. I swallow harshly in an attempt to bury it. 

“It’s so stupid.” I rasp out, leaning my head into Desmond's chest even more, if that’s even possible. 

“It can't be stupid if it’s got you like this.” Desmond says, “Did you see another idiot on the internet again? Because those stupid shit-heads can make anyone cry at how hopeless they are.”

That gets a chuckle out of me, one that has my bones feeling like jelly with how tired I am. 

“Seriously, though, what is it Alexandria?”

“... I heard a stupid story a couple days ago... it was in an art tik tok I think... about how you should always look under your bed for monsters. It was about a woman who dropped her phone, then when she picked it up she saw a man under her bed, but he didn’t see her. She said to the person on the phone she was gonna take a shower, then hung up and went to the bathroom. She turned the shower on and then climbed out the window, then she called the police. When the cops arrived and arrested the guy inside her house, one of them came over to her and said that the guy was standing outside her bathroom door with a knife, waiting for her...”

I take a shuddering breath, a silent tear gliding down my cheek. Desmond doesn’t say anything, just waits silently for me to continue while holding me tight, his thumb rubbing up and down on my arm. 

“... That story’s been stuck in my head the past couple days since I saw it. Every time I’ve gone to the bathroom, whether you’re here or not, I’ve been terrified of seeing someone just standing outside the door waiting for me, or even around the corner. I’ve barely been able to sleep, always wondering or even expecting something to come out from under the bed to grab me. It’s so scary and it’s so stupid because it’s just a story but...”

I can’t continue to talk because the lump in my throat has returned. Sensing my discomfort, Desmond tightens his hold around me and pulls me into his chest, his lips pressing into the top of my head. Releasing his shirt, I grab one his hands in mine and bring it up to my chest, feeling comforted by the feeling of his fingers in mine and against the skin where my chest and neck meet. 

A few moments of silence pass before Desmond speaks, 

“You’re alright, Darling, I’ve got you. I’m here. You’re alright. Nothing can hurt you while I’m here. Besides, if any idiot did decide to break into our house you’d send them flying out the window like the spiders we find in summer.”

Once again I chuckle, my body jostling with Desmond’s. It’s true that every spider we find in this house, especially in the summer, either goes flying out the window or gets sucked up the vacuum cleaner if I see it. And those are only the lucky ones. 

“And nothing can even fit under our bed in the first place.” Desmond adds, earning yet another chuckle, a louder one this time. 

There truly is no room under the bed for anything, given with how many boxes there are filled with either family pictures, family nick-naks from holidays, a few Christmas decorations and some other stuff that can just be labelled ‘junk we refuse to throw out’. 

“Nothing is going to hurt you, my Darling.” Desmond says, planting another kiss atop my head, “Nothing is strong enough to.” 

“Thank you, Desmond.” I say, tilting my head up to to meet his beautiful eyes, “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

He cranes his head down to kiss the spot between my eyes, before looking at me with a smile and a determined knowledge gleaming in his eyes. 

“You’d survive.” He says, before finally leaning down and connecting our lips in a soft kiss. 

[adoraang]

She-Ra Week Day 5 by @fauxghosts

Prompt: PRINCESS PROM / healing

Summary: When Glimmer and Bow bet Adora she can't ask Catra to prom before the end of the spring musical, she gets frustrated with her feelings.So what do you do when you've got a bunch of pent up frustration?You duke it out in the Denny's parking lot with your crush in a lightsaber duel.

Read it on AO3

“You’re not gonna do it.”

“I am not gonna do it,” Adora said dramatically as they stepped off the stage after finishing Act Two.

Their school, after constant begging, had finally decided to do a production of Les Miserables. After doing things like Seussical (they don’t talk about that) and High School Musical (nothing wrong with it, just mundane), the theatre department wanted something more serious. Something that would challenge them.

So they forced their director, Double Trouble, to fight with the school about doing Les Mis. Despite some of the… suggestive stuff from the show, the school probably didn’t want to fight some theatre kids, and let them have their show.

The audition process is always the scariest. Being a soprano, she only had one role really available to her: Cosette. Glimmer and Bow peer pressured her into auditioning for a lead instead of going straight to ensamble, and she still wasn’t going to do it, but then Catra asked her to do it, and she couldn’t say no.

Adora ended up cast as Cosette, and she had practically cried of happiness when the cast list came out. Glimmer had gotten Fantine, being a very low mezzo. But then Catra’s name was listed for Eponine, and she just about proposed right there.

They were far from love interests. In fact, they were love rivals. Sea Hawk was the one playing Marius, and the two girls spent the entire show in love with him, which wasn’t the funnest. Neither of them even liked boys, so for Catra’s character to die because she was delivering a letter to Marius… It was a trip.

Even if they weren’t true love interests, and only shared one song with each other that wasn’t the Act One finale, Catra and Adora still spent the most time in rehearsal together. Ironic, because the one song was called A Heart Full Of Love, and it’s Adora’s hardest song, in her opinion.

She gushed about Catra to Bow and Glimmer everyday in the car home from rehearsal. “Guys, I think my heart is full of love. Would it be weird to ask Double Trouble to switch Marius and Eponine? I’d rather spend the whole show simping about Catra then Sea Hawk-”

“Adora!” Glimmer cut off. “You’ve been halfway in love with Catra since Seussical, and I think that’s saying something. You should tell her. What’s the worst that can happen?”

“She rejects me, never talks to me again, drops out of the show, and I can’t spend the rest of senior year with her or college, since we’re both going to University of San Diego together to major in theatre, and she’ll never want to be in another role with me!”

“You’re freaking out again,” Bow childed, not turning away from the street as he drove. “You know Catra isn’t like that. And I don’t think she’ll reject you in the first place.” “I am so tired of hearing Adora talk about Catra when Catra probably likes her back,” Glimmer growled. “I’m going to do something about it.”

She reached into her pocket, and Adora almost hopped over the console. She thought they were going to call Catra and tell her something, and it was enough to make her take off her seatbelt, despite Bow’s car safety. “Glimmer, wait-”

Instead, she pulled out her wallet. “I will give you fifty dollars if you ask Catra to Princess Prom as a romantic date. I’ll double the offer if you do it before closing night.”

“An extra twenty if she says yes!” Bow chimed in.

Glimmer and Bow don’t struggle with money, so a hundred wasn’t a lot for them, but Adora’s eyes grew wide as she thought about it. Of course, it involved asking Catra out, but she’d figure that out later. “You have a deal.”

“Now please put your seatbelt back on!” Bow screeched, his voice cracking.

Which brought them to now, as they got into position for curtain call. She’d be bowing with Sea Hawk after Catra had hers with Kyle (who played Enjorlas, and it’s still shrouded in mystery how he got the role). Glimmer was one of the first to bow, but she still caught the wink as she walked away.

“That thing is huge,” Catra mumbled when she got in line backstage, waiting for their cue.

Adora looked down at her costume. The huge wedding dress wasn’t her favorite costume from the show, but it couldn’t be more appropriate for the moment (or inappropriate, take the pick). Catra couldn’t look more beautiful in her sleeveless white shirt and brown skirt that hit the floor. Despite the fact that the belt on her waist was big on her and she had dirt slathered all over her, she’s never looked better. Plus the red cap… That stupid thing was going to be the death of her.

“It’s always been like this,” Adora replied, falling into her place next to Sea Hawk, who busied himself with Kyle. Her heart thumped with the question. She doubted Catra had feelings for her, but she could always ask as a friend. Not like Glimmer and Bow needed to know anyways…

Bow had been a life saver in tech. He always knew when to turn off people’s mics, including that one time he turned off Catra’s when she started shit talking principal Hordak backstage when he came to watch rehearsal. Luckily, he turned them off now as Adora made her attempts to approach the subject.

“Princess Prom.” That’s not a question, it’s a statement! “Uh, I mean…”

“Catra, you and Kyle are next,” Scorpia, their stage manager, said.

Catra nodded, then turned back to her. “So, this is it, huh.. Our last curtain call as seniors, being cast as the leads for the first time, our last show in general until San Diego.”

“Don’t remind me.” She already cried in her car as she drove herself and Catra to school, emotional about ending her last show already. Closing nights are always a mess, but it just hits differently as seniors, and when you’re playing love rivals with the girl you’re pretty in love with.

“I’ll see you on the flip side,” she whispered before she ran out on stage, the bright lights shining down on her.

Even though Adora could only see Catra’s back, they were both sad about this being their last show. They had identical tears pricking their eyes, and when she rushed off stage with Kyle, she braced herself for the emotions to come.

She took Sea Hawk’s hand, and they ran to center stage when Scorpia gave them their cue. She couldn’t stop the tears from coming, even as she bunched her dress in her hands to give the curtsey bow. Sea Hawk did the Jeremy Jordan bow, where he clasps his hands in front of him and takes his bow.

Their last show…

The cast got into a line going horizontal, pointing to their lovely orchestra for their part of the bow. They started to make their way backstage again, and Adora took Catra’s hand. For emotional support, you know? She wasn’t going to see the blinding lights or the tech week shenanigans or the mic taped to her forehead in high school again! Obviously she’s going to be very dramatic about it.

As the cast made their way to the green room, everyone was in the same mood: sad. Catra had opted for letting go of her hand to wrap an arm around her shoulders as they silently sniffled. She was going to miss this…

“Closing night isn’t over, people!” Sea Hawk shouted, pumping a fist into the air. “Let’s go say goodbye to Double Trouble, and head over to Denny's!”

Ah, yes. The theatre kid ritual. Every show, they have to go to Denny'safter closing. It’s the law, and she looked forward to it every time. It always created the best memories, like when the obnoxious senior from last year, Octavia, got arrested for stealing a shopping cart.

Denny's always made her night.

“He’s not wrong,” Catra said to her. “Am I driving with you?”

“Duh.” Wasn’t that a given? Or was it too forward to assume. Or maybe-

“That’s what I thought.”

But when they stepped into the green room, all thoughts of Catra disappeared (for one second exactly) as Double Trouble walked in, whopping loudly. They gave their speech about this being one of the funnest shows to do, but Adora was too busy wiping her wet cheeks to really listen.

“Go out there, kids, and rule the goddamn theatre world!” Double Trouble finished, dismissing them for the night.

“To Denny's!” Glimmer exclaimed, giving everyone the pick-me-up they needed.

“To Denny's,” Catra repeated to her, quieter. To Denny'sit was. They walked to the parking lot, heading to her car, but Glimmer caught her wrist as she was opening her door.

“You only have a couple hours left. Use them wisely.” Satisfied with her words of wisdom, Glimmer got into the passenger side of Bow’s car parked next to them.

“I’m really going to kill them,” Adora whispered to herself as she put the key into the ignition. Her little yellow beetle may not be anything for any other high school kid, but it was perfect for her.

“Why?” Catra asked, having apparently heard her. Rats.

“Because.” And it was left at that before Adora opened her mouth again. “Princess Prom. That’s a thing that’s going on. It’s going on very soon. Like, in a month soon.”

“Yes, what about it?” Catra seemed so dismissive of it. She looked out the window, listening to Somebody’s Watching Me on the radio. Was she even going to go? What if she asked and Catra had no plans of going, and Adora’s unknowingly forcing her into it?

“Nothing.”

“Oh…” Catra traced the window with her nail. Now why was she all deflated? This girl is way too confusing for her brain. “I want to go, but I don’t want to be alone.”

Adora is going to kill someone. Seriously, all it would take is driving the car into Denny's. “Really? You’re going?”

“Not as of right now, but I kind of want to. Like I wouldn’t wear a dress or heels. But… I would want to wear a suit and maybe get my nails a color that isn’t black. But I don’t know who I’d go with.”

She momentarily turned away from the road to look at Catra. Bow would be screaming at her right now, but she couldn’t find it in her to care. She was basically given an invitation to ask, but what if Catra didn’t want her to ask? What if she’s just talking about it? What if she wants Adora to set her up with someone else?

Catra opened her mouth to say something, but she got distracted by something gleaming in the backseat. “There’s no way I didn’t notice these earlier!”

She reached into the back, leaning across the console. Her white sweater rode up on her waist, and Adora exploded into a blush at the sight of some skin. Seriously, what is wrong with her? And because she doesn’t get cold, she wore a cropped red cami and regular black jeans. Her outfit did nothing to hide the blush.

Catra came back up, holding the hilt of two lightsabers. They were both big Star Wars nerds, and she spent thirty dollars (each) on these sabers. But the money from the bet would pay it back, if she actually did it. Catra dove into the backseat again, bringing the two sticks of plastic that she fastened back onto the hilt.

She pressed a button, and the blue light from Anakin Skywalker’s lightsaber lit up the car. Catra stared at the saber, and Adora couldn’t help but notice how her skin managed to light up perfectly in the blue light. “Try the red.”

Catra turned off the blue saber, and grabbed a hold of Darth Vader’s lightsaber. The red added a dangerous feeling to the atmosphere. Blue was fun and playful. Red was full of passion, and the silence that followed afterward proved her point.

Finally, Catra cleared her throat, moving the saber around a bit. “Oh, I like this one.”

“But I like that one,” Adora protested as she pulled into a parking space at Denny’s. She could see everyone had already arrived. Not like she was driving slower than usual just to get a couple more seconds of conversation. No doubt they would see the red light and question what they were doing.

She pointed the end of the saber at Adora. “Well then, I guess it’s going to have to be a duel to the fate.”

Adora rolled her eyes at the reference, but grabbed the blue saber from the console, igniting it with the push of a button. “Okay, Eponine ‘I Died Delivering A Letter To My Love Interest That Was Actually About Another Girl’ Thénardier.”

“That’s the show’s fault, not mine.”

“Unimportant.”

Catra opened the car door, bouncing to Adora's side within seconds. She hastily took off her seatbelt, practically sprinting out of the driver's seat, spinning the hilt in her hand. “I’m pretty sure you’ve never fought with one of these.”

Adora scoffed. “I own them.”

“Yeah, just like I’m gonna own you!” Catra charged forward, raising her saber above her head before bringing it down on Adora. She barely had time to respond, lifting her own saber to block it as she sunk down to her knee.

“Hey, I just ordered our table! It’ll be ready in a couple minutes,” Scorpia said as she came out the door in time to see Adora stand and knock Catra away from her. “What are you guys doing?”

Catra held Adora in a parry as she turned around to yell, “Fighting, duh!”

“Yeah, we see that!” Bow shouted as Adora brought her sword back to her chest, making Catra stumble as they slowly moved away from her car. “Why are you guys mad?”

“Not real fighting!” Adora answered, moving in closer to Catra as their sabers met in the middle time and time again. “I’m defending my honor and rights!” “Yeah, her rights to dance with me instead of fighting in a parking lot!” Catra responded.

Adora faltered at that. Before she could begin overthinking what that meant in the middle of a lightsaber duel in the Denny's parking lot with the entire cast of Les Mis watching, Catra caught her saber and twisted her arm, causing Adora to completely let go of her saber.

“It’s over, Adora. I have the high ground,” Catra boasted.

“Not yet!” She dropped down low, catching the saber by the hilt before it hit the ground. She brought her blade back up, the two of them getting caught in another round of aimlessly swinging and blocking.

“You guys are ridiculous!” Glimmer shouted, her head in her hands.

“You don’t appreciate the true art of Star Wars like we do!” Adora yelled back.

Truthfully, this isn’t how she expected her last post closing night dinner at Denny’s to go.

When she was talking about it to Catra on their way to school, they imagined a tearful night. Majority of the cast and crew were seniors, and everyone loved them. Glimmer had basically adopted a little sophomore, Frosta, who played Gavroche (no one even noticed the genderbend!). They all thought they were going to be sad, and cry in the back of Scorpia’s pick up truck as they sang One Day More as a cast, one last time.

Instead, Adora was sword fighting Catra in the parking lot as all of their friends watched.

A great conclusion to her senior year musical, honestly.

Adora stood in front of Catra for a moment as they caught their breath. In an instant, they started twirling their sabers in their hands. The light from the blue and red was a whirlwind, and Catra laughed as they recreated that one scene from their favorite Star Wars movie: Revenge of the Sith.

Catra’s laugh was intoxicating. It made Adora let out her own giggle. They went back to fighting after a second, but Catra’s face illuminated by the red light in the nighttime made her stomach go up in butterflies.

“You were supposed to join me, not leave me in darkness!” Catra recited, smiling the whole time.

Adora swiped the saber at her feet, and Catra hopped over it. “Well, I love you!”

She froze, and Catra even faltered. But because she froze, Catra pushed her onto her back, pointing the red saber at her. “I know!”

For a moment, she forgot it was a reference to another one of the movies. But Adora let her saber fall out of her hand, looking up at Catra. The red light was stunning. Everyone else around them had fallen silent to watch the exchange. She then realized no one else knew what the reference was from.

“Guys, it’s from one of the movies!” Adora called out from her place on the ground. “Empire Strikes Back, it’s pretty good. You guys should watch it!”

Catra panted, looking down at her. “What?”

She was equally as confused. “What? What happened?”

“Oh, forget it.” Catra turned off the saber, holding her hand out instead. “Want to rule a galaxy together instead?”

“How about we start by taking over Broadway,” Adora grinned, helping herself up with Catra’s assistance. She turned off the blue saber, but they continued to stare at each other. Catra continued to hold her hand, but neither made any attempt to move away.

“Did we just hash everything out in a Denny’s parking lot?” Catra asked.

“I think we did..”

“Adora!” Glimmer shouted, interrupting their staring contest. “So like, I have a hundred with me. Bow has a twenty, but…”

The bet. A hundred and twenty dollars if she successfully asked her crush out to Princess Prom and didn’t get rejected. But they just beat each other up with plastic toys from the Disney store. Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. Or maybe they were, but then one of them would fall to the dark side and tragically die. Who knows?

“Oh, that thing where Glimmer and Bow were going to give you money if you asked me to Princess Prom?” Catra raised an eyebrow, laughing at Adora’s horrified face. “Bow told Scorpia, and she accidentally let it slip.”

Adora groaned. She wanted to go fall in a hole and die in a ditch. Maybe she should’ve been shot on stage instead of Catra. “Yeah, about that-”

“I’ve been waiting for you to ask me,” Catra said, tightening her hold on her hand. “I didn’t think I wanted to go, but then I heard that and I realized… maybe I did. The dances and stuff always felt really corporate to me, and it wasn’t my thing. But I went home everyday wondering why you hadn’t asked me yet, and then I realized-”

“Oh my god I am so sorry,” Adora interrupted. She was horrified. Catra knew the entire time. She’s been tripping over herself for the two months of rehearsal and three weeks of the actual production, but never stopped to think what if she already knew. She’s absolutely mortified. “You got dragged into this mess of a joke between me and Glimmer then Bow came in and I just thought, I don’t know. I don’t think or I think too much. Oh my god, I can not believe this is happening!”

Catra chuckled when she spoke without a pause. “Breathe. I’m not mad. Or upset or anything like that. I like you too, Adora.”

Her cheeks flamed. “You did?”

She nodded. “You’re not exactly subtle, per say…”

Adora didn’t feel like crying out of embarrassment anymore. She put her free hand in her pocket, ghosting her fingers over Catra’s knuckles with the other. “You actually like me?”

Another nod, accompanied with a gorgeous laugh. “Yes. Yes, I like you and all your high notes. You think I liked seeing you kiss Sea Hawk every rehearsal and show?” They both laughed. Neither of them like it, apparently, because Adora didn’t. “You and your private story where you rewatch Clone Wars with me and we both cry, and I get to see the video and laugh at how oblivious you were to notice that I liked you. You and your bootleg pirating, despite the fact that Newsies is your favorite and it’s literally proshot. So yeah, Adora. I do like you. You and your overthinking.”

Adora was over the moon, and she wanted to stay here in the parking lot all night and talk. But first, she had something to conclude. “So, Princess Prom. That’s a thing we should go to together.”

“We should.”

They did.

[heyitsmarysblog]

You are a fighter and warrior, you’ve got this Mary…

I have to admit that this pandemic really hits me the hardest and i do believe i already shared about this but right now i am finally slowly step by step having the courage to share and speak again.

I know that there where a lot who has been shocked about my sudden change what happened to “ica” where is “ica” to start it off i know i’ve already said this but i will said this again start calling me Mary because just as i said i am Mary.

I know for years i kept saying to addressed me as “ica” and now here i am telling you to addressed me as Mary because that’s my name not ica going back to that question to what happened to “ica” and where is “ica” the encourager and on fire why the sudden changes.

With this article or post your questions will be answered bare with me because this is a novel article or post i hope you stay till the end of this article or post so let’s start i was supposed to make a vlog about this stuff but i just couldn’t find the time and courage to vlog it that’s why i choose to write this way.

Answering the questions what happened during the pandemic where there is ecq, gcq and mecq all those stuff my faith and beliefs has been shaky in the latter part i was still worshipping, praying and devoted to God with my relationship with Jesus i was praying for my uncle but also depression hits me not only that i did several attempts and thoughts yes you read that one right and clear.

Off course i went with my silent battles i tried but i got lost of tracks i started developing trust issues that’s why i had a hard time to reach out to my support group, my mentor and spiritual families you all knew how religious i am back then i also know i dissapointed a lot even God because i was the encourager and active one yet i went and been through depression.

Why? I’ve been caught up and i’ve got a lot of loads in my plates my traumas from the past, family, trust issues, my horrible traumatic experiences, the bullying, rejection, my encounter and how i was treated on my former church, frustrations, anxieties, insecurities and depression even the unforgiveness in my heart.

Yes there where a lot who where and was been there but because of my trust issues i really had a hard time reaching out i remember how i ended up isolating myself how i diverted my attention watching netflix and kdrama series, karaoke, tiktok, working out.

As i watched 13 reasons why and finished every season i thought of myself i should have done the same thing “Hannah Baker” did a decade ago because what her character portrays almost the same of all the things i’ve been through how i was been bullied in high school, the embarrassment and humiliation i encountered due to the malfunction of my costume, how i was been entitled “darna” and been in a issue that i was been a third party which i was never was.

When how was this transferee student and his troup and the rest of the curriculum in our batch bullied me when he humiliated me by saying in front to our advisory class and our classmate that i was the first to get married and be pregnant on our batch one of the reason why i vow that i will never get married or be pregnant (because my uterus is inverted and i am not having any period) how my english teacher when i was freshmen humiliated me just because i was the only girl got the zero score on the quiz and when my specialist told me i have no talent maybe she’s right i couldn’t sing or dance just a frustrated singer and dancer i know it’s obvious.

How this transferee student when i was in high school in senior year humiliated me just because i got no choice but to cheat in our exam because i know nothing about the spanish class, how i was been underestimated during college and basically been bullied as well and when they told me if ain’t drinking that beer they wouldn’t help me with the dance steps anymore because it’s true that i don’t dance believe it or not you may see me with my tiktok dances where i am a trying hard it’s my bestfriend influence why i am in tiktok but in regards to dance or dancing i couldn’t do it i actually have a traumas with that as well even myself i am shock that i am dancing where clearly i am not a dancer.

I would say that maybe my specialist was right when she said i have no talent because i couldn’t sing, dance or even play piano or guitar i wanted to i tried and no i am not intelligent i suck in math real bad my english? Nah even though i write and vlog i barely have 66 subscribers and no readers my childhood dream that i couldn’t reach even my audition in pbb yes i widthraw my audition this year it also made me frustrated while i see someone i know reach and achieved her dreams don’t get me wrong i am sincerely happy i also know she been through lot before she reached it but i couldn’t help not to feel insecure plus i never got any moral support from my family with the things i wanted to pursue and achieved.

I choose to cut my ties to all my classmates and batchmate of high school and college i only have communication with my grade school buddies why because it frustrate me how successful there it’s been a decade yet here i am baby sitting my nephew still jobless that’s why i never involve myself with any forms of reunion not unless it’s my grade school buddies all of these hits me including my horrible traumatic experience when i almost got rape not just once but twice.

Among those two the one that was traumatic most is what i encountered 5 years ago although the person is already in heaven maybe and how i was been called a slanderous and how they sugar coated me i thought i already let go of all these things but i was wrong it even left me with the thought knowing that i am a 8 months premature baby and being in depression i wished that i didn’t survive knowing how and what i’ve been through for the past 25 years of my life.

Having depression and with these thoughts i only had my bestfriend and cousins with me also loosing my one and only close auntie on the day of Valentine’s Day everything started to fall apart i tried fighting this battle silently where i would cry it all out to God but one day i just find myself the fire and passion got lost i stopped worshipping and praying even doing my devotion a lot has triggered me being ghosted by whom i thought gonna be my first and last after what i experienced and encountered the wall that the person broke where i thought i already knew my value and just enjoying my season having a good testimony it was broken i stumble and fail.

Where i thought that my heart is renewed it has been cold and hardened again the walls and bricks became triple a lot of people thought this is the only reason why i have depression yes it is a part and one of the reason but it’s not just it although this person ask for forgiveness but at this point i can’t because of everything i was in pain and hurt with the words that this person or “taurus” couldn’t accept my bad sides and got tired where “taurus” was the reason there is a huge differences between seriousness and sureness i should have known.

With these i did and been through a lot of things that i am not proud i know i was and i am a failure and dissapointment to my mentor, support group, spiritual families specially to God i kept resisting and running away, avoiding His presence i diverted it in a wrong i started having vices (alcohol, tried to smoke, pornography, cursing) my anger management and temper i even went to psychiatrist i only had one meeting because i don’t have my own money and i was only able to buy few pieces of my medicines during those moments i thought and i can already feel that it was God the whole time why i couldn’t consitently do it.

However i’ve been resisting it my heart is and was been cold and hardened even though His been using a lot of people and that i can still feel His presence yet i run away and avoided everything i committed sins curses and cursing, vices (alcohol and smoking) went through a bar been watching porn and porn sites i even installed apps about horoscope listened through music and songs that are not worship i downloaded different genres of songs, watching adulting stuffs and series various of vlogs.

My mindset changes a lot with a thought of my preference changed somehow due to my horrible traumatic experience and encounters of rejections towards men i even downloaded apps and create various of dating profile accounts which i am not even active then i ended up deleting everything and installed bible app it’s been 2 years the last time i open my bible and have my devotion i even threw away on the river the bible that was been gifted to me of the one who ghosted me.

I am left with the question that can i still go back? Will i be still accepted and forgiven even i myself still can’t forgive and forget or even let go before this pandemic i wanted to ran away to be in Manila that’s the only place i wanted to be with even those moments when i was been bullied i didn’t want to see or face someone i knew but i always ended up being with the same circle of my past one thing i regret is that if only i was really be courageous enough to speak up and face confrontations i always run away and avoid.

Why because i know that my voice won’t matter and will never be heard that’s why i rather rant or write it i always have this mindset that i don’t want to leave this country if i will be leaving i want to left this city where it cost me painful and bad memories horrible and traumatic experiences i’ve been wanting to have a new environment alone and away in Manila never have i thought that i would agree on migrating soon in New Zealand to be with my frontliner sister and maybe then i will be able to finally move on and let go.

Where there is peace and joy however there is this question remains where i know that His presence never left me despite everything that i knew He has and will always has new mercies for me even thought i stumble and fail where i committed sins but i still find myself crying out, kneeling down before Him, praying and worshipping.

I couldn’t promise that it will be instanly go back after a day but step by step it’s been awhile the last time i did this but if you were able to came through this point thank you specially i am in awe and grateful for those God used as an instruments all this time although i always feel frustrated even with my journey and relationship with Him

Yet here i am having realize all of this that no matter how i run away, avoid, surrender and give up His presence remains and His love endures forever thank You for saving me and opening my eyes though i fail and sinned my love for You was never gone and Your love never change i don’t even deserve it but You give it.

Mary, you are a fighter and warrior you still got of fight left in you Mary you’ve got this because the Lord is with you the angels and heaven is backing you up and those people that God brought you.

Here i am Mary i hope the way you embraced “ica” is the same way you will embrace and accept me as Mary after all this is the name that God gave me Mary so for starters please call me Mary because that’s my name i am Mary for 3 years i lived myself as “ica” and created sorry just because i hated my name i invented the name “ica” which upon that name traumatic experiences happened however within the name “ica” i met people God brought me that will always be and has a special place in my heart yes i already said goodbye to “ica” let’s all say goodbye.

Now let’s welcome, embrace and accept Mary now i am ready to accept and love my own name Mary yes my name is Mary everyone and Mary we are now rising back up let’s continue our journey Mary remember you are a fighter and warrior Mary.

You’ve got this Mary you are not alone Mary Jesus is with you keep fighting Mary

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #409

“when everything is wrong, we move along”

Are you a good kisser? I mean there's no way for me to actually know, but I guess history suggests I'm not bad. What question do you hate being asked the most? "What does your tattoo mean?" I'm so self-conscious of my "strange" interests that I can't stand that question and I get SO awkward. I know, I know, "Then why did you even get it?" Reason being it makes me happy and I don't want my fears to win anyway. What do you think the hardest part of surviving is? Just that very thing: surviving. Getting through rough patches with your sanity and good health intact. Do you own any clothes you wouldn’t wear in front of your mother? No. Do you honestly hate anyone? Sometimes I think I still hate the girl Jason dated after me. It's entirely unjustified, and even knowing they're not together anymore (at least, to my knowledge), thinking of her just... makes me angry and jealous and just generally uncomfortable. I also sincerely hate someone who violated my best friend. What song did you hear last? I'm listening to a slowed down mash-up of "Circus" by Britney Spears and "Poker Face" by Lady Gaga. It's actually p dope man. Have you ever walked in on your friends having sex? YIKES no. Where do you find you take most of your naps? I nap in my bed. Do you like sleeping just wearing your underwear and a top? No. I had to do that once and I was SO uncomfortable. Are you named after a parent or grandparent? No. Who was the last person to ask you out? Girt. Do you have nice legs? No. Has a boyfriend’s brother ever hit on you? No. Do you have a nice butt? That's an even bigger "no." I have like, no ass lmao. What do you have a massive attraction towards? Some short Korean dude that is the literal avatar of "chaotic good" lmao. Have you ever made a sex tape? NOOOOOOO and I never will. How do you feel about your weight right now? I am immensely unhappy and just seriously depressed by it. Have your parents ever told you that you’re a disappointment? Oh my god, no. I would die. I feel like they think that, but they've never said or acted so. Do graveyards thrill or terrify you? They give me a feeling of peace, and I find them humbling as a tiny, mortal being that's only here for a flicker in time. They remind me to try and make use of that spark. What song’s your current favorite? I've really been digging "SAVIOR" by SWARM as of recently. Do you miss any of your exes? Yes. Did you ever take pottery class in high school? They didn't offer a course for specifically pottery; it was just included in Art. I made one or two things. Have you ever felt yourself fainting? A few times. Who’s the last boy to make you cry? Guess. His memory, anyway. Did he know that he made you cry? I honestly wonder what he'd think if he knew all these years later, I still have times where I cry over him. When’s the last time you felt like a total asshole? I don't really know. Has anyone ever threatened you? Yes. Would you ever own a rat? I've owned quite a lot. I LOVE rats, and a part of me wants another pair, but I'm just not a great owner of pets that require so much cleaning. Would you or do you ever spank your kids? NO. I will ALWAYS say this regarding this subject: you do not teach your children through fear, nor do you instill in them, deliberately or not, that it is okay to hit people when they upset you. Have you ever considered being a cop? Nope. What’s the longest amount of time you’ve ever kept a goldfish alive? Not long. Fish husbandry is more complicated than people make you think, so your ordinary fishbowl situation isn't going to work long. Have your parents ever questioned your virginity? My mother has. Dad has never said anything regarding this subject, thank god. That would be uncomfortable as shit. Have you ever spent over $100.00 on an article of clothing? What was it? Fuck no. Honestly, have you ever mooned or flashed somebody? No. Have you stayed up past 3 in the morning this week? Actually, yes. I pulled the first all-nighter in eons a few days back. What was on the last sandwich you had? Ham, cheese, and mustard. Do you own a trenchcoat? Bitch I wish. Name the hardiest piece of technology you own? Christ, my iPod that I've had since middle school. Seriously, a 4th gen. iPod Nano is still running, and I use it HEAVILY. I have no fucking clue how it's still alive. Tell me the last thing you searched on the internet? A definition just to make sure I was using it correctly. Are you currently in a smoking environment? Nooooo. Ma would never allow someone to smoke in here, and I honestly wouldn't either. Have you ever owned a tire swing? No. Have you ever taken care of a drunk friend? No. How about a hungover friend? No. What’s your opinion on people who go hunting for sport? You gross me out. (: Do you know anyone who can fluently speak more than two languages? No. Have you ever gone in a sauna? NOOOOOOOOOOOO. I would hate that SO much. What animal have you always wanted as a pet but couldn’t have? ALWAYS wanted? Probably a ferret. I don't actually want one now, but the idea is still nice to imagine. They're such characters. Is there any TV show that ended that you wish hadn’t? Ugggghhhh, Deadman Wonderland. It ended on SUCH a cliffhanger. I mean the manga continued, so I could've chosen to read that, but I don't read manga. Have you ever seen your parents drunk and what was your reaction? I saw my dad drunk all the time when I was younger because he was an alcoholic for as long as he lived with us. I knew he was either going to be hilarious or volatile and withdrawn. 50/50 chance. I've seen my mom drunk a couple times, and it was always surprising to me because she drinks very rarely. She's a very social and silly drunk, and it's a rare occasion where she seems happy. What’s your biggest body worry when you wear a bikini? Hunny, you would NOT see me in a bikini. Even if no one else was around, I wouldn't put one on. If you had the chance to redo high school knowing what you know now, how would you redo it? I think I probably wouldn't have dated Jason. Do you or anyone you know have an account on deviantART? I have for many, many years, and have friends that do, too. Do you get your eyebrows waxed? Not anymore. If you draw, what's one thing you always have trouble with? HANDS. Who was the first person you made out with, and where was it? Jason, in his bed. When was the last time someone said you were attractive? WOW, who the fuck even knows. Have you ever had to pretend you were sober, even though you were wasted? How did it turn out? No. Have you ever smoked at school? No. Have you ever thrown up from working out? No. Do you think machines will take over the world? I think it's a possibility. Technology keeps advancing faster and faster that I wouldn't be all that surprised if we design them to such an advanced state that they have some sort of sentience. Is the way you typically behave congruent with your ethnic background? What the ACTUAL fuck is this question. Literally fuck off. Have you ever lived in a brand new house? No. Has the last person you kissed met your father? Yes. What’s your favourite breed of dog? I have a strong bias for beagles. As far as visual appeal of breeds goes, I REALLY couldn't tell ya. There are so many beautiful dogs. Do you think more about the past, present or future? I'm pretty obsessed with the past. Do you swear in front of your parents? Dad, freely. Around Mom, I try not to say "fuck" or "goddamn" because she really doesn't like those. I still say some words, though. It's just pure habit. What’s something that’s bothering you? I've just been having envy problems lately, and it's not an emotion I'm used to or enjoy whatsoever. Have you ever been asked out by someone you didn’t want to date? Yeah. Did any particular thing brighten up your day today? Not really. Do you know who your latest ex is dating? Nobody. What are your plans for the weekend? My sister Katie and her husband are coming to visit, and we're probably driving up to a lake that Ash and her little family stay at all the time so Katie can meet the kids. But with that storm coming through, it's questionable if we'll actually go, because it's an hour drive. When were you last in a car? Earlier today to go to the TMS office. I officially start my tapering sessions, so I won't be going every day now. Have you cried today at all? No. Have you ever gone out in public in your pajamas? That is noooot rare, honestly. Depends on where I'm going. Have you ever had bronchitis? Nope. Think back to the last person you kissed, how many times have you cried in front of them? Twice, I wanna say? What do you want right this second? To actually have motivation to draw a picture I have planned. If you were offered to smoke some weed right now would you accept? No. If I weren't so opposed to smoking because of the lung damage I honestly would, though. I'm curious how it would affect my anxiety. Can you control your dreams if you realize you are dreaming? No. When was the last time you cried really hard? I'm really not sure. Do you think you can last for an hour without talking? Very, very easily. I probably do that on a daily basis. Do you know anyone else with your name? Yes, but spelled differently.

[gothamstreetcat]

Please share your thoughts based of the bingo cards below because I wanna know 👀

i am absolutely going to be talking about all things controversial below the cut: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᵈᵒⁿ'ᵗ ʳᵉᵃᵈ ᶦᶠ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ ᵃ ᶠᵃⁿ ᵒᶠ ᵇᵃʳᵇᵃʳᵃ ᵃⁿᵈ ᵗᵃᵇᶦᵗʰᵃ 

season one

there isn't much I think is super controversial in season one, but I will definitely be talking about selina, the batcat kiss, and the overall season itself

on selina i have to say i was a little nervous before the show aired. it’s silly but also understandable for me because i always find myself getting nervous whenever someone new takes on a character I love. but honestly, i think camren is the best selina kyle we could have asked for. there is just always something about each catwoman/selina kyle i didn’t like, but with camren i think we get the most true and genuine portrayal because gotham shows her childhood—a obviously important part to selina’s character. it’s a side of her we never get to see much of in the comics or in films, and i just find it a very important part to her character. 

sometimes I think people are too drawn into making selina something more (holy tim burton, batman! she’s got cat powers!). and I hate to throw tim  under the bus with this, but over time the whole cat powers thing really pissed me off because part of what I loved about selina was how she was a regular person. she didn’t need cat powers to be great or special. it also kinda makes me sad when people compare cam’s selina so much to pfeiffer’s because a. camren is her own selina and shouldn’t be put under that kind of pressure and b. I really can’t see someone as tough as camren’s selina becoming some old man’s assistant with “corndogs” as a (cat)chprase(?) 

i know it’s silly, but another thing about cam’s selina is how much i just love her. i just grew up wanting to be her and be like her. i wanted to be hardened by city streets and i know it’s dumb but i don’t think i have to explain why i feel such a strong way about her. we all have our favorite characters. **more of this hot mess in the tags

moving into the batcat kiss i was initially really uncomfortable and disappointed with it. david and cam were young at the time, therefore, so were bruce and selina, and i just honestly feel like it was too soon. however, i know in an interview they talked about it and were okay with it—cam saying how she was able to separate herself from the character—so I have grown to be more tolerant of it (is it dumb to say i was a little embarrassed for them because that’s how i would feel if it was me?) i am also not innocent because i did make a gifset of the kiss but it was also paired with selina asking for bruce’s consent, and i only made it because i liked the parallels (queue a young me making gifs on makeagif.com) Now, I will highly advocate for that gifset because to me it really shows how much selina went to get bruce’s ‘okay’ before she kissed him. i feel as though we are always advocating so much when it comes to a woman’s consent but never when it is a man’s and both are equally as important but we’ll get into that later in this post. 

another thing i want to add, is how i’d like to believe i have some idea as to why they did the kiss in the first place. i want to believe it had something to do with the trauma of the day, or the fact that bruce is a boy who showed selina genuine kindness when she is clearly someone who has gone without. god forbid it only to be seen as ‘cute’ but perhaps, because selina wanted to know what it felt like to be touched in that sort of way. by someone like Bruce (who was innocent and had never been kissed) maybe it was some sort of way to thank him or a parting gift, to which i’m sure people would say that’s wrong but i feel with selina’s background it makes sense. as if it was a way for bruce to remember her by. now, i personally wouldn’t know what any of that feels like so maybe that throws all my credibility out the window but these are just my ideas.

the season overall i hold onto dear, i know we all have our favorites and this isn’t controversial, but you can’t beat the first. sometimes, i do feel like shows lose their way and loose that little spark when they first got started. and to be honest, i did feel that a little with gotham. not only that (and i’ve said this before so i’m sorry if i’m a broken record) but with gotham it gaves us these characters we are so used to seeing a certain way. the show took these seeming monsters and turned them human and we as watchers related to them. edward nygma was a nerd working at the gcpd. oswald was a guy holding an umbrella, turned dishwasher who then became the king of gotham. poison ivy was just a kid. everything was so new and fresh and exciting. so yeah, i think that’s a wrap on season one

season two

the only thing i am really going to talk about from this season was ‘babitha.’ again, i am sorry for anyone who follows me, is reading this and is a fan of them but in all seriousness: their relationship was toxic as hell. first off, i really didn’t like barbara nor tabitha before hand. barbara always felt whiny and needy while tabitha was played like some ditzy woman for her brother. together they were highly annoying, and i almost hate say that because independently tabitha was a really strong character. i still didn’t like her but i see and appreciate her without her brother. 

going into that i really think there where times barbara dragged her down. times where barbara was unstable, power-hungry and it just seemed like tabitha was not enough unless she had more. barbara also didn’t seem to like the idea that butch had a special place in tabitha’s heart (and then later killed him). i mean this is a funny way, but barbara can come off like that kid who was never told ‘no’ in her life.

not to mention when tabitha died and barbara went and fucked jim for the sake it of, i guess. i know everyone grieves differently and holy batgirl, batman! but it doesn’t seem right.

i wish i had more to say on them with better examples, but i honestly have way more to say regarding the sirens so i’m gonna let you read that instead.

honorable mentions include: bridgit pike deserving better because that girl could never catch a break. and the true ending of herself and karen jennings meeting, falling in love, and leaving gotham together. it honestly makes me sad i made up this ship and it feels like i’m the only one keeping it afloat. 

season three

again, i have my issues regarding the siren’s team up, so i was unhappy when they decided to make tabitha galavan selina’s mentor. i personally would not want to pair someone as vulnerable as selina with someone who physically and mentally abused her, but okay gotham. so that is where my ted grant comment came in, i assume you’ve read the comics and know that ted was one of the few who originally trained selina before becoming catwoman. therefore, i was disappointed they didn’t use him as i find him a better canidate for a mentor but also such an important person in her story. he would have been a great addition to the show. 

of course my first honorable mention must go to the batman returns scene because you’re only hip if piggy-back off of tim burton. as i mentioned above i don’t like how much cam’s selina is compared to pfieffer’s. i don’t understand why they had to re-create something i already think is over hyped when gotham is already a great show on it’s own, it would have been redeeming if they had not done the ‘cat power’ thing in season five but thankfully they didn’t really use it.it really pisses me off how much they really tried to make that scene frame for frame. 

my second honorable mention is going to be given to selina not knowing five was bruce because of his scars & alfred and maria respectively. i could talk a lot about why i love maria and alfred--i understand why people don’t like her and they’re right to do so, however, i do think they are right for one another. they both have jaded pasts, and yeah, the show was teasing love-interests for alfred a here and there but how can you not be happy for him when he saw selina’s mom? i think people should be redeemed and i honestly think maria was at least changed by her time at wayne manor and if you want i wrote a fic about alfred and maria but it’s totally bad writing wise so don’t read it. also. i’m sorry it’s dirty and i couldn’t go through with it. it’s kinda bad

as for selina and five i think there is something imamate about selina knowing bruce’s scars (not gonna lie,i was honestly going to talk about this but i’m too tired and don’t think i have anything meaningful to have)

season four

this is probably going to be the hardest season for me to talk about. and the only two things i’m going to cover are the toxic manipulation and abuse between the sirens team-up, as well as the sexual abuse bruce endured.

on the sirens i just wanna say i hopefully plan in the future to make a master-post involving this trio. i want to be as clear as possible and include the episodes but in case i don’t i’m just going to try my best. keep in mind i made this post regarding this topic a long time ago if you want the quick version. if you do check it out it’s been a while since i read it so it is probably messy and ugly. i also want to point out i’m going to try and talk about how much of the adults in selina’s life failed her. barbara and tabitha hit this mark pretty hard since at least barbara was there in the beginning stages of her life, and the trio themselves were made to appear as some sort of strong power-house.

i get on a surface level why fans like the barabra/tabitha + selina team-up (because girl power i guess), but i honestly can’t get over the abuse selina endured to even get to the point of being in a group. much of their relationship seemed more about tabitha and barbara loving to have her rather then love her, period. there were times during their involvement that it was clear selina was not an equal, and times where being with them made selina weaker (speaking about when she called upon them for help in that one episode where she was trapped, yet you’re telling me this is the same girl who took out that guy’s eyes from season one?) several times, selina appeared to be talked down to and treated as though she couldn’t handle tasks, yet has been homeless her whole life and has broken in and out of prison. 

the interaction between barbara and selina from season one haunts me a great deal for the way barbara spoke to selina and was objectifying her. i made a long-post/ask about it here which i encourage you to look at. this is particularly hard for me to talk about for the simple fact of selina being a child of the streets and barbara speaking to her like she’s trying to pimp her out *for lack of a better way of saying it* i just don’t think this is something an adult should be saying to selina because the truth is that barabara is the adult and should do better. her and tabitha even dressed her up for that club commercial (in which selina was clearly unhappy) and had her running a club full of underage kids developing a drinking problem and one very small boy being taken advantage of. 

people hate it when alfred slapped selina but when tabitha punched selina unconscious and kidnaped her for barbara it’s no big deal

and the episode “to our deaths and beyond” hits deepest and is a clean sign of manipulation when they both tricked selina into bringing bruce so they could mutilate him for his blood. even when he was crying and panicking barbara help him down and tabitha held selina back from helping him. 

here is a gifset about the scene and *lex i’m sorry for using your set if you happen to see this (but please don’t see this because i don’t wanna make anyone feel bad and i just want to speak freely about what i believe) 

again, not treating selina with respect, and when she straight told them she would have not brought bruce BECAUSE HE IS HER FRIEND, tabitha got defense and questioned her loyalty. first off, you are an adult and should know how to act better. she knew selina wouldn’t have brought bruce otherwise because they knew what they were doing was wrong. they knew how much bruce meant to selina and for them to try to guilt her is awful in itself. tricking and manipulating bruce is awful. mutilating him is awful. and holding selina back from helping her friend after you lied to her is awful--this is honestly one of the most sickening things for me to watch *not to mention why you would not want selina to be friends with bruce when he’s clearly a great guy* (but the gifset is pretty no question. shout-out to lex for being so talented)

in addition to this, the entire selina getting shot storyline is right up there too. i understand the writer’s didn’t have enough time to flesh everything out but it wasn’t even mentioned once that barbara and tabitha went to visit her. i believe tabitha might have mentioned it but it was only to get revenge over jeremiah, but they never visited her or checked on her, and she tried to kill herself and still nothing. 

now, i’m not trying to be all biased for bruce wayne because he was there for her every singe day and never left her side. nor would i ever mention that idea of bruce physically helping selina care for her own body when she couldn’t. how he got her that medicine to heal her pain and held her while she screamed that she wanted to die. all the while doing everything he could to help her not feel that way again.

you can say a lot of things about bruce wayne. people love to talk shit about him. but at the end of the day you can never say he was a bad friend, because he was the best. and you can’t say that for barbara and tabitha (not only to add how all the abuse was never brought up nor apologized for)

now, onto something that i am a big advocate for and particularly boils my blood. bruce’s alcohol problem and constant physical abuse by the adults in the show. 

i am mainly speaking about ivy (peyton list) however, while reading a reddit thread someone said that grace’s actress as twenty-one years of age, also kissing david (who i believe was sixteen at the time). someone else, also said that it wasn’t really illegal but i honestly do not care. if the roles were reversed and it was a young girl vs an older man, people would be in outrage and i don’t think that should change be it david.

the scene with peyton particularly bothers me because she is substantially older, and while you could argue it might not be david based off how the scene was shot, i highly doubt it. it’s wrong no matter how you slice it and it particularly bothers me because the abuse surrounding men/boys is taken so lightly. i’m not trying to put presidency over female abuse, as i believe both are equal in how awful they are, but there is evidence behind males being mocked. something that is at a higher volume, and it makes me wonder the number of rapes that go unreported or those who can’t talk about it because they won’t be believed. i’ve already seen it but i would be lying if i said i wasn’t worried for david to be conditioned to think what happened to him was fun or cool.

on top of all the kissing in the club scene followed by waking up in bed with the two girls--i would not hesitate to think he was taken advantage of in some way. i also can’t even think of his drinking days and not think of all the people who potentially abused him.

i obviously can’t speak for david and perhaps i’m grasping at straws but this is something that bother me and no one talks about enough.

season five

nothing to add here except while i did miss cam in the final and it wasn’t complete without here, i very much respect her for her choice to walk away. i think it shows a high level of intelligence and integrity (something i wish i had). and i most admire her for passing on the torch when she felt she wasn’t ready, which i think speaks volumes of her and her character. again, selina one selina will always be my favorite so i love the idea of my favorite staying a young girl before she was ready. i don’t think the show was ready. and as much as i would have loved for her to have a cameo like david did, it isn’t here or there and she said she favorite scene was on the staircase. so as far as i’m concerned, that’s the best place to leave on (even though that wasn’t the last scene but we’re ignoring that)

i hope this wasn’t too wordy or long!

[chiseler]

Eve Arden: She Knew All the Answers

“When men get around me, they get allergic to wedding rings,” says Eve Arden’s Ida in Mildred Pierce (1945), a film that won Arden her only Academy Award nomination. Ida is a good egg, a steady, loyal friend to Joan Crawford’s Mildred. “You know, big sister type,” she says, in that inimitably sardonic, wised-up, swooping voice of hers, as she pours herself a stiff drink. “Good old Ida, you can talk it over with her man to man,” she says, of those men who treat her as if she isn’t a woman. Ida says that men are “stinkers” and “heels,” but she doesn’t sound all that mad about it. There isn’t a trace of self-pity in her tone, either. Arden never asks for sympathy. In fact, she never asks for anything. Some things seem to confuse, or bemuse, her on screen, but she was usually just playing that for laughs.

Born Eunice Quedens in 1908 in Mill Valley, California, she was a child of divorce raised mainly by her mother, who encouraged her to drop out of high school and go on the stage. She toured with a stock company and made her film debut in Song of Love (1929), a creaky musical where she played a romantic rival to the heroine. She went back to the stage, only making a brief, uncredited appearance in the Joan Crawford vehicle Dancing Lady (1933) as a blond actress who gets fired when she objects to her treatment in rehearsal. She speaks in a thick Southern accent but then drops it: “I told you that Southern accent would sound phony!” she tells her agent in her own voice. There could be no such artifice for her. Even when she later did Russian and French accents on screen, they were burlesque routines and not meant to be taken seriously.

Statuesque at 5 foot 8 inches, she joined the Ziegfeld Follies in 1934 and was encouraged to change her name. Spotting a perfume bottle in her dressing room with the name Evening in Paris and a cosmetics bottle labeled Elizabeth Arden, she came up with her new name: Eve Arden.  There were a few more years on stage before she returned to the movies in 1937 to play a girl called Eve in Gregory La Cava’s Stage Door. If that movie makes a religion of wisecracking, then Arden is its high priestess, lounging around the Footlights Club for out-of-work actresses with a white cat named Henry draped around her shoulders like a stole.

Eve has lines under her eyes and looks a little tired; she always seems to be reclining. She’s mainly an audience for the other girls, waiting out their carbonated and inventive complaining until the moment when she can add her own topper and make the whole place explode with laughter. “There’s no such thing as a fifty dollar bill,” she insists, and of all the girls she gives Katharine Hepburn’s society dilettante the hardest time. “Is it against the rules of the house to discuss the classics?” asks Hepburn, to which Arden replies, “No-o-o, go right ahead…I won’t take my sleeping pill tonight.”

I’ve seen Stage Door countless times, and so I know what Arden will say and when she will say it and how, but when I try to re-create some of her line readings by saying them out loud, I am unable to get them right. I think it’s because she weights every single word heavily as her reading goes playfully up and down the vocal scale but her overall delivery is still somehow airy, both throbbing with thick sarcasm and strangely light. “Olga wants peace, peace at any price!” cries one of the girls, to which Arden sharply cracks, “Well, you can’t have peace without a war.” That “war” comes out as “wa-a-er,” as if she likes to pick one word to spread her thickest sarcasm over.

When Hepburn asks her what she’s done in the theater, Arden says, “Everything but burst out of a pie at a Rotarian banquet,” a weird line, but one that Arden plays against with her facial expression. She seems to be signaling that Eve has done things like that, but she’s too tired now for chorus girl hanky-panky with jerky businessmen. “Never heard of him,” she says, when Hamlet gets mentioned. “Oh certainly you must have heard of Hamlet,” says a dim Southern girl, to which Arden replies, “Well, I meet so many people,” in a “nice,” polite, nearly ghostly fashion. It’s a profound kind of wisecrack in the very original way that Arden delivers it. She was capable of hitting a pure note of comic exhaustion, like a faded memory of a past life that does not touch her anymore.

Arden never signed to one studio for long, and she made a surprising number of poverty row and independent productions in the 1940s and early ‘50s. She wrestled with Groucho Marx in At the Circus (1939), meeting his aggression with her own, but she often found herself dead last in the cast list. In a bit in Raoul Walsh’s Manpower (1941), the 33-year-old Arden says to pal Marlene Dietrich, “I’m 25, look 35 and feel 50,” and this pitiless line got at something essential about Arden, because there isn’t much difference between her at age 30 or 50 or 70. Her type stays the same no matter what her age, a woman who is past it all and unimpressed and just making the best of things.

Weary of typecasting as sarcastic secretaries and good sports, Arden returned to the stage for a bit but soon went back to support glamour girls like Rita Hayworth in Cover Girl (1944) and Ava Gardner in One Touch of Venus (1948), which is really a film about Arden and her deepening existential dilemma as she looks at gorgeous Ava and looks at herself and wonders, “Why am I me, and why is she that?” Arden flirted with prettiness whenever she opened her blue eyes wide, but she usually did this only for parody purposes. She seems uncomfortable as a promiscuous actress in The Voice of the Turtle(1947), as if she knew that her natural role on screen was to patiently listen to the Joan Crawford’s of this world and gently mock their emotional grandiloquence from the sidelines.

After years of playing support, Arden finally won a star vehicle of her own, first on radio and then on television, as schoolteacher Connie Brooks in Our Miss Brooks, which ran through most of the 1950s. Arden was consistently, tirelessly inventive in that long-running series, mastering the art and timing of situation comedy and providing a template for later players. In the twenty or so minutes of each Our Miss Brooks episode, Arden generally manages to get at least three to four laughs. The writing for that show was usually good or at least serviceable, and if it was ever a little less than that, Arden would still find her laughs in between the lines with little looks and reactions of distaste, disgust or dismayed confusion. She could get a laugh just by smoothing down her skirt, or wincing slightly.

She returned to the screen in Otto Preminger’s Anatomy of a Murder (1959), wearing some grey in her hair as James Stewart’s loyal, kindly and largely unpaid secretary, a woman who will pour some more coffee for you in the middle of the night. It might do to say that Arden’s film characters are stoic or resigned, but that’s not quite it. There’s something else about them, something unclear but suggestive. There’s something even a little mysterious and unplaceable about Eve Arden on screen, as if she isn’t giving too much of herself away for us. She does her job, like her characters do, and we get to enjoy the sound of her helplessly skeptical voice, which enlivened many movies less classic than Stage Door, Mildred Pierce and Anatomy of a Murder, but we don’t ever really get the real her and how she actually feels. She and her characters have retreated somewhere private where they cannot be reached. Maybe that’s why she had such a long career, because audiences always wanted more of her.

She appeared on television a lot as an older woman, dryly reacting to the wacky Kaye Ballard in another series, The Mothers-In-Law, and matching her sour comic timing with Bea Arthur in an episode of Maude. She was still at school as the principal in Grease ( 1978), as if Connie Brooks had climbed up the ladder but still had to put up with inane students and low-level jokes. One of her last credits was as the Wicked Stepmother in Cinderella for Shelley Duvall’s Faerie Tale Theatre series in 1985. Rather satisfyingly, the 77-year-old Arden is asked to gloat over treating the pretty young Jennifer Beals “like dirt” because she and her daughters have not been as well-favored by dissembling nature.

Arden married twice, the second time happily to actor Brooks West, and she raised four children, three of whom were adopted. After her death in 1990, her long-time publicist and manager Glenn Rose said, “She kept being cast as this sarcastic, acid-tongued lady with the quick retort and put-down. In real life, Eve would have never put anyone down. She wasn’t that kind of person.“

by Dan Callahan

[0poole]

The Best and Worst parts of past Pokemon games

I’ve watched ShayMay’s 7-hour analysis on Omega Ruby and as you’d expect it’s getting me to think about what are actually the best and worst parts of Pokemon in the past. I’m still glad he literally goes through the entire game going into both the good and the bad of the game, and I’m basically only bringing it up because of the sheer amount of effort put into it. Obviously the video was made before Sun and Moon came out so thankfully some of his quandaries have been solved, but still it’s interesting to see the on and off of certain things throughout the series. Most of the time it gets better as time goes on, but still, it feels like you could get an amazing Pokemon game just by piecing together the features of past games (even if you’d definitely need a few additions to get it perfect, if that’s even possible). 

To be honest I really am slowly falling out of favor with Sword and Shield, and it kind of makes me hope that Gamefreak can still get better. Even though the games sold like hotcakes, hopefully they have the heart to realize a ton of people didn’t really like the direction, even though it still isn’t “bad,” just worse than it feels like it should be. Even though bad direction can’t be remedied by other things, the fact that they are a multi-billion dollar franchise really makes it feel like they could afford to make it better, especially when past games did do what people wanted...

Since it’s the most relevant...

DLC/”Enhanced” Versions:

I will genuinely take DLC over “enhanced” versions any day. Even though you’d think a lot could be improved between the base versions and enhanced ones, that’s usually not the case. The only ones that truly changed the game were Black and White 2, since they were treated more like sequels. Even golden games like Platinum didn’t divert much, even if it is an objectively better version than Diamond and Pearl. Considering the games are now going to be a solid 60$ each, it would be even crazier to expect someone to buy the base and enhanced versions. Only paying 30$ for multiple expansions (at least two, could be more) with the content of said expansions being put out as a free update otherwise is a much better deal. The only people this hurts are the types who reasonably wait for the inevitable enhanced version and only buy that instead, since it’s always better, even if only a little. As far as I know, however, Pokemon is one of the only game franchises that releases enhanced versions of games soon after their release (as in, not years later when technology advances and they can profit off nostalgia), so really they’re just becoming more normal by doing this. 

Of course there’s the argument that there shouldn’t be any DLC or “enhanced” versions, and all the content of the game should be included in the base game. It would obviously be preferable to not pay for it, but as is painfully obvious, even the richest groups can still be money hungry. Considering they’re inevitably going to make one or the other, DLC is going to be the better choice overall because it’s much more expandable. You rarely got to see a substantial amount of content added on in the enhanced versions. If they made us pay 30$ for the Isle of Armor and Crown Tundra separately, that would be crazy. But, since it’s 30$ for both, they could easily insert more bits alongside the rest of the Expansion Pass, maybe allowing them to carry a game for multiple years under less resources on their part compared to trying to make a whole new game. That way, maybe they can devote even more resources to future generations and remakes. That’s all just speculation though. I’m kind of impatient, writing all this before the day it releases and when we get more info for the future, so basically just take this as my opinion the whole time before the DLC came out.

Honestly, though, I almost always fall into the camp of gamers completely misrepresenting the concept of DLC, saying they just cut off some of the content and made you pay extra for it. A few bad apples really soured the bunch in this case, because, even though Sword and Shield did feel kind of lacking in some places, saying the Isle of Armor or Crown Tundra would’ve been a seamless part of the game no matter what is just obviously wrong. The games felt “complete” in the sense that it is all they wanted it to be, and it has a clear start and end. Just because you don’t like it doesn’t mean it’s unfinished. Again, obviously it would be better if it was free/included already, but that’s just a given. 

In a similar vein…

Remakes:

Basically, I love the usual formula for remakes. I actually really liked ORAS, and I feel like it improved on so much, making me actually like Hoenn as a region. Even though I played them closer to when they game out, RSE feel like a slog compared to modern stuff, especially with the lack of the physical/special split. I can definitely feel some nostalgia for the originals still, but 90% of the time I go back to those games looking for nostalgia, getting bored by the time I get to Rustburo, and turning it off. As mentioned by Shaymay, there’s still a ton wrong with it, but I’d much rather play them all the way through compared to the originals. I do still want to force myself through them eventually, though.

Heartgold and Soulsilver are widely considered to be the best games in the whole franchise, so I don’t have to say much. I’m not a Johto nut so I’m not the best at selling it, but I will say it feels so much more colorful and polished visually than the rest of Gen 4. 

Firered and Leafgreen have the same problems that make me dislike RSE, but Let’s Go Pikachu and Eevee are the strange cases that make the future so uncertain. I liked them for what they were, but I swear God if they do that one more time it’s going to make the fanbase erupt. The Let’s Go formula worked for Kanto because a lot of the people playing Go are people who knew the original games but not the newer ones, making Let’s Go a good entry point with mostly familiar territory and slightly dumbed down gameplay. It may work again if they do a Let’s Go in Johto, but if they do it for Sinnoh, since it’s the next one on the chopping block, it’s going to fall insanely flat. Barely anyone who only loves Go also seriously wants to play through Sinnoh. There’s little nostalgia there, and the nostalgia with Sinnoh resides in everyone else who loves the games as they are/as they originally were. Plus, people say they’re some of the hardest games, so dumbing them down ruins part of the appeal more. Since remakes pretty much entirely profit off of nostalgia (and partially from people wanting to experience a region without the limitations of its origins) they really need to just, you know, remake the game. Same deal as any Pokemon game, just with better (if you’d call it that) graphics and modern sensibilities. Considering all remakes (IMO) look better than their originals, I don’t think we have to worry an insane amount about them looking as iffy as SwSh. I don’t think they look THAT bad already, but I definitely think they’re some of the ugliest in the series. 

I will say that I do still want remakes to happen. I’m a sucker for nostalgia, and I love seeing graphically enhanced versions of past regions. Also, my favorite region is up next, so I really just want to see what happens. I’m a shill so it can’t make me hate the originals more. Or, you know, maybe that just makes me a normal, reasonable person...

Graphics:

Obviously we just want texture quality, model quality, etc. But, I think there’s something to be talked about with the overall art style.

I’m not gonna lie, I was kinda into the chibi-esque models of X/Y and ORAS. It did feel like it trivialized the more serious characters, like the villains and major legendaries, as they looked too cute, so it’s probably for the best if we stick to “normal” proportions. It felt weird when I first saw Sun and Moon, but I got used to it. I always wanted to make my character look as cute as possible so the chibi style helped with that, but I have gotten some good results from Sword and Shield. 

For character customization (if it even counts as “graphics”) I think Sword and Shield really hit the nail on the head. I’m kinda biased, because Moon and Ultra Moon had a really shitty shade of purple as their designated “purple” clothing, and SwSh really got my favorite shade of it right. I do think it’s great to have one style of clothing under different, generally standardized colors. But, I definitely think we need more body types. Like, one of the main reasons I play as a girl in games like this is that the boy character doesn’t even look like me anyway, so there’s really no good reason to play either. Even if it’s just one separate character option for each gender, like a Skinny male/”Round” male/Skinny female/”Round” female I’d be fine. Obviously I’d want some character sliders at some point, like pretty much every other game with character customization does, but I can settle for one more generation. The alts could even be more shoehorned rivals like in X/Y, so they basically have the design cut out for them.

One weird graphical thing I want brought back is the little circular platform your Pokemon lands on in a battle. For some reason, I really liked that. It does make the battle feel more in tune with the overall environment without it, but sometimes the battle fields look really bland and flat without it. I’d at least want the floor to be designed in a way to look like there are devoted spots for each Pokemon to stand on, even if it’s not a separate thing like in X/Y. It just feels more satisfying. Not really a big deal though, since I’ve been able to ignore it for this long.

The big thing is animations. I am getting extremely tired of the X/Y models. That’s 3 generations so far that use them, and some of them aren’t even good. I’ll never hesitate to drive this point into the ground, but I really wish Pokemon like Xatu, Charizard, Dragonite, and Salamence are permanently floating/flying in air. If it isn’t obvious, this is the way it is because of Sky Battles in X/Y, since they didn’t want to do extra work for the Pokemon permanently suspended in air. The problem is that those four Pokemon (and probably many others) really don’t feel like they are supposed to be in the air 24/7. According to their official art and sprites, they’re all on the ground. Xatu especially was made to look super tall and stout with its geometric wings flatly put on his torso, like the totem pole it’s supposed to be. In the air, it basically just hovers with his wings out, and for some reason it looks like there’s a large gust of wind keeping it afloat. It looks really weird. Salamence is also in the same boat, since its wings are so weird and not wing-like that making it constantly fly just looks so unnatural. Mega Salamence was at least designed to look like it’s supposed to be flying, but normal Salamence really should just rest on the ground. He’s too fat to be permanently lifted by his weird wings. Charizard and Dragonite aren’t as severe, since both are clearly shown to be otherwise super capable of flight, but they do feel better on their feet. I remember watching TyranitarTube’s series on one of the Extreme Randomizer hacks of the game, and in there somehow they made a Dragonite use it’s Amie/Refresh animation of sitting still on its feet in battle. It seriously felt so much better to look at, instead of this giant, poofy dragon being carried by its comically small wings. Basically, the way you should tell whether to keep them on the ground is based on the official art/sprites. That is the way the designers intended them to be depicted, so that’s the way they should be. Some exceptions that I’m actually fine with are pretty much all the regional birds, except Unfezant. They all look pretty decent flying, since flying’s basically all they do… Even Swellow, who has the same strange gust of wind as Xatu, feels more fitting like that because it seems so much more aerodynamic. 

Apart from that, I just wish they were at least a little different. I’m not super against the muted colors they have compared to the sprites, but I wouldn’t be against more saturation. Considering how much work was put into all the different animations of the battles, Refresh, and both walking AND running animations, I unfortunately don’t think they’re going to change any time soon unless they explicitly say they’re going to change them for quality improvement. I would say the Pokemon from Gen 6 up are still pretty fine, since they were more meant for 3D.

As for battles, one of my favorite Pokemon games is, in fact, Pokemon Battle Revolution on the Wii. Not only was it super Sinnoh-focused, but it had multiple body types (even if I still look like none of them) with character customization for all, and great graphics for the time. People always look to it after citing the lacking Double Kick animation from SwSh, saying how animated the models were and how they liked the Pokemon actually running up to their target when using a physical attack. I will say that the model quality for a lot of them were still kind of iffy, and that some of the animations were a little too much. Specifically Pidgeotto, who was on one of the rental cards, was super energetic so as to seem a bit crazy, and felt a bit low-poly for the otherwise high quality of the environments and humans. However, going back to such a formula would be extremely welcome. I’m totally fine with the Pokemon not running up to their targets, but I wouldn’t be mad to see it put in, especially since the walking and running animations are already in the game. They would need to be balanced in terms of speed, though, since some of the animations in PBR felt really, really slow with that animation in there. Plus, some moves just need speed, like Quick Attack. 

In terms of the move animations themselves, I do think some of the water effects in PBR felt too realistic compared to the rest of everything. Also, people say Double Kick looked bad in SwSh (like it ever looked good), but a hell of a lot of Fighting type animations in PBR were literally just the Pokemon walking up to their target, smacking them with nondescript flashes, and that’s it. So many of them could hardly be pieced apart depending on whether they were kicks, punches, or whatever. It would’ve been better either way if they put the physical move attack animation in for Double Kick, but PBR has its fair share of shitty move animations too. Moves like Seismic Toss looked fucking insane though, and I loved it. Seismic Toss specifically is the true test of move animation quality. 

Also, it’s kinda irrelevant to anything, but I could totally get down with the Announcer from PBR returning for major battles like Gym battles or League battles. He was so much fun, even if a bit repetitive. All you need for that is a setting to turn him off, and bam. He’s a true classic.

More generally, though, I think Sword and Shield is a seriously mixed bag of graphical quality. I give the SwSh haters a lot of flack, but the one thing I 100% agree with is the texture of the trees from the Wild Area. They are god awful, even if it was in a game a decade ago. I seriously don’t know how they messed that up, since you can download better bark textures for free on the internet. Surely someone at Gamefreak could’ve done better there. If this was just a random tree in the background of some random route, then who cares, right? But no, this is practically every single tree in the Wild Area, the biggest selling point for the region and the game, where you would always spend the most time. You see so many of these trees everywhere, and they look horrible. I also hate the look of the berry trees, since they don’t seem to use the same lighting effects as everything else (just a guess though), but even apart from that the batch of lighter leaves on top of the bottom ones just looks so artificial. It looks as if they dumped a sphere of leaves on top of another sphere of leaves, like it was ice cream. Maybe some trees in the real world look like that, but sometimes it’s an artist’s job to take what sucks about reality to make it better for fiction. 

On the other hand, I think locations like Motostoke look genuinely amazing. The brick textures are pretty good (compared to the tree), and all the colors and shapes of the place look really good. Also, when they go into full-on cutscene mode, the models, scenery, and everything else really shine. Obviously I’m not the king of all visual media, but it’s just weird to see that. It’s hard to compare to past games, because everything else was either 2D or on the 3DS, which wasn’t as powerful. Even though the Wii is definitely less powerful than the Switch, it doesn’t really count since there’s infinitely less content to worry about in PBR. Much more of the work could’ve gone into the graphics. Really, there doesn’t feel like there’s any excuse unless crunching is involved on the business side of things, which I really hope isn’t an issue for their sake. I would honestly love to see them announce that they’re taking a year or two off to devote themselves fully to a new generation, instead of trying to keep a yearly schedule. Something something Miyamoto quote something something.

Stylistically, it’s also a mixed bag, but at least this time it’s all just subjective. It feels like a lot of the game is meant to be somewhat blobbed together in some ways, like its a painting meant to be looked at from afar. It feels like there aren’t major outlines for things. Specifically with the Pokemon, they don’t have that outline they’ve had for the 2 generations before. It’s never been a big deal, and I really hate how low quality the outline made the models feel, so I don’t really know which style I want. Even though it’s still decent, I feel like most 3D models made to have a super notable outline on them look a little funky sometimes with it, so I don’t know if I want that, but without it they just don’t feel as solid. I really just don’t know there. 

Music:

It feels like, even if a franchise is kinda iffy, the music is still consistently top tier. Like, no one thinks Sonic games have objectively bad music, even if they don’t like it. If they do, they’re just wrong. Pokemon’s the same, so thankfully this isn’t a test of which past game had the highest quality music. I do think the Wild Battle theme in SwSh does feel like it has a weird melody, but that is super outclassed by universally acclaimed bangers like the Slumbering Weald, and the battle themes of Marnie, Bede, Oleana, and the Battle Tower. Those aren’t just the best the generation has to offer, they’re seriously amazing themes. 

Back in Gen 7, we have the Kahuna Battle, all themes of Team Skull and the Aether Foundation, Lillie’s theme, the Ultra Beasts (which might be more contentious but I like it) and Hau’oli City at night. In Gen 6, I at least liked the themes of Laverre City, Team Flare, and ESPECIALLY the Xerneas/Yveltal battle theme. Don’t even get me started about Pokemon Battle Revolution. I could go on and on, but I at least want to spotlight ORAS here because they knocked it out of the park with Archie and Maxie’s battle theme. It was the perfect drop, because the intro felt super muted and boring, and I was afraid they completely snubbed it, but the drop completely blew me away, and absolutely perfected the theme with the crazy trumpets Hoenn is known for. Also, Zinnia’s theme is amazing, as well as many other themes that are just improvements over the originals. The one thing I’m semi-iffy on is the Regi theme, an amazing theme for my favorite trio, but I never think anyone really makes it feel as lumbering and deep as it should, considering what it’s supposed to represent. The beat is arranged as it should, but it never feels punchy enough for me. 

I’m really just praising the music here. Frankly, I see no reason to think the music is getting any worse.

Difficulty/EXP Share:

They’re basically the same thing, at least according to Gamefreak.

I always keep the EXP share on, but I do think that making it a permanent addition to the game was a major mistake. As explained in Shaymay’s video, it actually increases the overall experience you gain in battle, at least before. That seems absurd to make a permanent addition (although they likely changed it in SwSh because of that). I honestly just use it because I’m not into a challenge in games, but it should definitely be optional, if for no other reason than to be a bootleg difficulty slider. However, What about the difference between the Gen 6+ version and previous versions?

I think it’s easy. Make it like pre-Gen 6, but give you multiple shares. So, if you want to train up two underleveled Pokemon, make it so you don’t have to swap it between them. That way, if you really want to just spread the EXP thin, you can give one to everyone you have, and that’s that. Also, I think it should perfectly split the EXP, not adding anything onto it. If everyone on your team has one and you get 120 EXP, that’s 20 EXP for everyone. Of course, I do actually love the mechanic of being able to switch the share holder in to give them a disproportionately larger amount of EXP compared to everyone else. It just doubles the effectiveness of switch training, and makes it better for when you want to train them up but specifically not the higher level Pokemon you’re using to fight.

Some part of me wants to keep my precious easy mode in, but then I realize… Just make actual difficulty differences. Just give us a choice. Even if it’s just a “How well do you know the Pokemon world?” with a “I know all about it/I’m a bit unsure” text box in the beginning. In the harder variant, tutorials will be skipped automatically, trainers will have higher AI, and better teams. However, I don’t think higher levels is a perfect foil, because that can just be beat with grinding, and grinding is boring. Also, I’d have to guess the main reason why Gamefreak didn’t do this in the first place is that trading Pokemon would differ a bit between difficulties with different level curves, although apart from it just sounding like a bad thing I’m struggling to think of a genuine reason why it is. But, for the sake of playing, grinding sucks. It’s not fun, and I honestly think you shouldn’t just bump up levels and call it difficulty, because you don’t actually need skill to beat a higher level, just a better level and maybe RNG. But, if you actually had to effectively train a team of more than six, with Pokemon you swap out depending on your opponent, you would actually need to think of how you play the game. I think the main reason Pokemon games are so easy is that you can basically choose whatever you want and do almost whatever and still win. Some fights, as far as my playstyle goes, are still decently challenging because I just choose what Pokemon I like and not as much what’s good (unless something genuinely just sucks), and those battles, even though I would probably get annoyed at losing over and over, feel so much more rewarding to beat. And, of course, that’s only like a few major fights. I’ve never had any real trouble with trainers. I only think I’ve had a bit of trouble with the elite trainers in Let’s Go because I always try to use my lowest level Pokemon first to level them up, and keep my team at completely even levels. If I always just switched in the foil to my opponent, which I inevitably had, I would almost never lose a single Pokemon, mostly because of the “switch” battle setting.

But of course that begs the question of Pokemon being balanced for children and inexperienced players. I know way too much about this game, so obviously it’s a piece of cake for me no matter what, and what I want is supposedly what would frustrate everyone else. But… again, just put in the choice. People can choose whether they want to be challenged, or if they just want to play Pokemon, and if they choose wrong that’s on them, not anyone else. They could just reset the game and try again on an easier difficulty. It’s crazy to have to vouch for this, since it’s a staple in pretty much every other game in existence. Even in my casual state, I want to play a harder Pokemon. I want to test myself. Online competition is a bit much for me, but the AI is too little. Even in me replaying Pearl right now, I’m trying to use weirder and weaker Pokemon than I usually use for difficulty, and even that game was mostly a cakewalk. I’m only stuck at the Elite Four because I was somehow super underleveled. In the generation where I experience the AI switching out the most, they still just do that at random and keep in certain Pokemon that get completely walled by what I have out, only for me to stall them to death. AI definitely should switch out (and I honestly can’t remember it happening once since Gen 5, if even then) so if anything, just give them a more solid switching ability. Considering we have the opportunity to switch in whatever we want when they are about to send out something, they really need to take advantage of the power of switching.

Gyms are a big piece of difficulty that falls apart 90% of the time. The gym puzzles are rarely hard, with only a few notable exceptions requiring major thought, like the Circhester, Snowbelle, Snowpoint, and Sootopolis gyms. See a pattern? Why the heck to Ice types/themes get the worst resistances yet the best gym puzzles? Otherwise, if you’re not just fighting trainers (which you were going to do anyway) you’re bashing your head against a wall until something sticks. The Trials of SM/USUM were universally a joke, and were it not for the Totem fight they would’ve actually made me mad by how easy they are, considering they had the opportunity to revamp the whole system and knock it out of the park.

As for the Gym Leader, assuming we have to stick with the idea that they can only use one type still, they really have to cover their bases. Like, a Water gym leader would really have to have Flying type moves or Pokemon to counteract the easy Grass weakness, or something. You can’t get to the top with just one single type and nothing else. I do kind of think a master with no specific type speciality should only be reserved for the Champion, since it makes them more special, and because it seems like any old trainer can become one if they beat the last one, meaning it’s illogical for too many of them to have one special type. I can appreciate the choice philosophies of the Gyms like Raihan and Volkner, and Flint of the Elite Four, where they do specialize in one type, but they have a lot of different Pokemon involved who only have moves of that type. It still feels consistent, but also more varied. Also, I love the 1v2 dynamic of Totem fight. Not only does it blatantly put you at a disadvantage, but since the battles aren’t explicitly type based, they can put together some seriously unique strategies, like the Sunny Day Castform partner to the Totem Lurantis. It’s literally the most basic plan you can formulate, but it sure as hell made that one of the hardest early boss fights in the series, at least for me. It was pretty good stuff. Too bad other bosses like the Ultra Necrozma fight was just kind of cheap, with a +1 to all stats and super high level… Better than nothing though.

Versions:

I get that it’s a staple of the franchise, but I really hate version exclusives/differences. They’re just dumb. Specifically the differences of Black 2 and White 2 pissed me off the most, because guess what? They did have difficulty options! But… they were version exclusive. Like White Kyurem more than Black Kyurem? Or, maybe Reuniclus is your favorite Pokemon? (not bitter) Well, too bad. You’re only allowed the expressly easier mode of the game, which you only unlock after beating it normally????? That’s just stupid. I’d sort of be okay with it if you unlocked easy mode after normal mode, then unlocking hard mode after beating easy mode (like how I thought it was before I looked it up), but limiting stuff like that is just ridiculous. I mean, it’s dumb to have to unlock an easy mode after beating the normal game to begin with. I’m honestly considering trying to beat easy mode without evolving any Pokemon though. Self-imposed difficulty is fun sometimes, but yeah…

Also, the differences of Sun and Moon also are dumb. Like playing in the day, but like Lunala more? Maybe Purple is your all-time favorite color and you want to wear it? Well, too bad. Go ahead and flip your 3DS’s internal clock around, messing up all other time based games you play. It’s a gimmick that transcends Mega Evolution, Z-Moves, and Dynamax.

Now, there’s a completely new problem: Some people bought the wrong expansion pass for their game. Because there were two versions, people literally just wasted money on absolutely nothing. To be fair, those people are blind idiots, but still. I really just want one version. Please.

The whole semi-in-grouping that happens when the version exclusive Pokemon are first revealed is kinda fun, but 90% of the time people have to settle for a few Pokemon they like and a few they don’t. For example, I bought Sword specifically because I like Zacian more, and the legendaries would be much harder to come by than other version exclusives. In the meanwhile, I preferred practically every other version exclusive over Sword’s, including but not limited to my boy Reuniclus. I don’t use old Pokemon in newer generations anyway, but it still sucks to have to choose like that.

It was obviously meant to give people much more to look for, since they physically can’t get some Pokemon, and have them interact with others to get them. The only problem is that we just have the Internet now. It doesn’t help to just ask someone online for a trade for a version exclusive. It’s just an extra stepping stone that really isn’t that fun to deal with.

I was originally going to say that the games/console cost more so less people would buy them, but considering SwSh absolutely knocked it out of the park, overselling even the highest selling games from the past, that’s clearly not an issue. My sister even bought Let’s Go Pikachu after buying Let’s Go Eevee for herself, since we both initially got Eevee. Thankfully she seems relatively into buying the games now, so we can coordinate and get different versions. That’s how I was able to complete my Pokedex for the first time in Sword (although obviously there’s less Pokemon to find). I think she even bought a separate Sword version for herself too… Is this what the average consumer is like?

Honestly all of this is just sort of subjective because really it’s not a big deal, but it would be so much less of a deal and make the games much more perfect and reasonable story wise if they just used one version. For example, Circhester is clearly an Ice-themed location, but in Sword you face a Rock gym leader, instead of the Ice one. And, the opposite is true in Stow-on-side, because Sword has the more logical gym with the boxing gloves punching you around and the tough city that feels as Fighting as Fighting could be without being a literal dojo. But, in Shield you face some Ghost kid. To be fair, I do like that version exclusivity is bleeding into some of the characters too, so if there is to be version exclusives at all let there be version exclusive characters, but it would just feel so much better to have it all sorted into one place. Also, to consider past installments, Ho-oh is clearly more important to the overall plot of the world than Lugia is, as shown by Ho-oh always being an important, mystical lore figure in the Anime and such, while Lugia is just like “Wow, there’s Lugia! So powerful!” Thankfully the plot didn’t entirely revolve around them, but it could’ve if they just focused on Ho-oh. 

Story:

Pokemon has definitely had its fair share of dumb stories, which is excusable because it’s not actually the focus of the game, but it doesn’t hurt to have.

You obviously can’t talk story without talking about Black and White. Also, you really can’t talk a Pokemon story without talking about the evil Team in each game, because they’re basically the entire motor for plot. Still, though, Team Plasma is easily the best Team in the franchise for story purposes. The biggest thing is that they seem like the most reasonable team, making them seem like people who are just so into their ideals that it looks like a cult. Also, in B2W2, they actually split up into the friendly division of Plasma, where they actually carry out their goals of wanting Pokemon to be happy and free, while Neo-Plasma does all the Team Rocket-level shenanigans that mess everything up. Not only is it just reasonable, but it answers a question that comes with the overall concept of the franchise: How can Pokemon want to battle for the sake of humans, etc? It doesn’t make sense, and naturally someone in the world would take that to the extreme when they realized it. It also makes sense why the grunts are so hellbent on wreaking havoc around Unova, because they are each led to truly believe what they are doing is right for the world. Other villains like Archie and Cyrus are just like “humans are bad, let’s destroy them” which is like a lite version of this idea, but it feels almost too supervillain-y to take seriously, and the grunts just feel like henchmen. Plasma feels just real enough, with somewhat level-headed people like N making it seem like they’re almost not crazy. 

People always say Team Rocket is the best, but even though their motives are so simple enough so as to seem real and good story-wise, they do feel like they don’t really add anything to the overall idea of Pokemon. At the time it was just “Pokemon are strong so bad people can use strong Pokemon for bad” which makes sense, but really doesn’t feel like it extends beyond that. Don’t get me wrong, I would say they’re objectively second best (because subjectively Galactic is my #1) but I do think Plasma is better.

Since they’re the most recent, Team Yell is the most nothing out of this list. That only makes them second worst, above Team Flare, who felt like they were trying to do something big but fell flat. Team Yell as the resident “evil Team” feels weird, because they do almost nothing. They are only similar to Skull on the surface, that being all rough-and-tumble teenager types, as underneath them being a toxic fanbase is somewhat interesting, but they, again… just felt like nothing. The plot wasn’t even close by to them, like with Skull was, being tied in with the Aether Foundation. They’re just there to be goons and go away. At least they did lead to the first Dark type gym leader, but again… their leader is a Gym leader. We would’ve seen him no matter what he did, so it feels less interesting. I do want the Team to actually do something.

The problem is that, since Plasma already did good, how do you do something that’s original but still good? To be honest, I want it to involve Foundations, like a morally good alternative archetype to the evil Team. Our first run-in with a Foundation was led astray by a crazy leader, but it seems like they’re still good overall, so I at least want to see more of them. Maybe instead of the Team searching for world domination by using the box legendary, maybe you and the Foundation have to search for the box legendary so they can help you defeat the Team, who may or may not have the third/another legendary on their side, and you have to prove yourself to it to get it to trust you. Sort of like Sword and Shield, but more involved. Zacian and Zamazenta just sort of appear when things go bad, and that’s it. You just hear stories about them before that. That’s at least better structure-wise, although the motives and themes would still have to be dealt with. There are so many possibilities there it’s hard to choose. 

One thing, though: I definitely believe that Pokemon was never even close to an open world game, and people thinking the new games are too linear compared to the old ones just have rose tinted glasses on. Kanto had bad crossing over, where you’d sometimes find yourself severely overleveled when interacting with a story event, and beyond that all other games were pretty linear too, with only a few slight special, optional areas that aren’t involved with the plot. Of course, I still think the game would benefit from being open world. Some games don’t have to be open world, and that makes them feel sort of empty, but Pokemon as an idea is exactly perfect for that. They were toying with the idea a bit with the Wild Area, and I do think if they really went crazy with that idea it could be fun. Everyone always wants to compare it to Breath of the Wild, but I do love how seamless everything is in that game. Even with the enemies popping up out of the grass/flying down from the air/just romping in a set area like Pokemon would. Gym leaders could just use different teams based on how many badges you have, like how they imply it works in that Pokemon Origins series. Then, you might be able to scale up the Pokemon you can find too that way, like with the Wild Area. BotW’s story was very light, but if you just either use a quest system/map markers you can still manage a decent story in an open world. Plus, Pokemon has a ton of side quests anyways, like all the ghost quests they always seem to put in. You can literally “get” the quest, get distracted, and completely forget you were even doing any sort of quest because they don’t remind you in any way. Side quests could even get you extra doses of EXP for your team, giving them a use.

The Gimmick:

I don’t want every generation to have a gimmick. Ideas are severely limited in that front, and when everyone’s special, no one is. 

Mega Evolution was kinda cool, as it improved on old Pokemon without making them another part of an evolutionary chain. Also, it lets some Pokemon get different forms with entirely different strategies to them (even if they’re version exclusive…) But, as someone who plays Pokemon for the monster designs themselves, I actually kinda don’t like it. No, not because Mega designs are bad, but because they completely trump the designs they evolve from. For example, Mawile isn’t just “Mawile” anymore. It’s more of a “Not-mega Mawile.” It feels so much less complete now that it has a form on top of it that isn’t permanent. Same goes for starters like Sceptile, who feels kind of boring compared to its Mega. It always sucks when a Pokemon you like evolves into something you don’t like (Popplio for me) and you have to deal with the fact that, even if you like a Pokemon, you aren’t supposed to keep it like that, and it’s brought down because of it. I mean, I guess this is all just personal. Obviously it’s easy to like an early evolution, but it feels so much better to like a final evolution. Since Megas are both temporary in battle, not available outside of battle, and limited to the very late game usually, liking a Mega feels kinda pointless for in-game purposes, where you interact with your Pokemon the most. Plus, for Pokemon like Mawile, you’re using an “incomplete” Pokemon for as long as you don’t have the right Mega stone. It’s obviously fine when all your other Pokemon are incomplete as well, but yeah… Just kinda sucks sometimes. Plus, anything achieved by Mega Evolutions could just as easily be achieved by normal evolutions. The only issue is Pokemon like Beedrill not being able to evolve again, and Pokemon like the starters or legendaries who are already too good to get another stage. I feel like weak, 3rd stage Pokemon like Beedrill deserve that kind of treatment the most, but no one else. If they can evolve normally, evolve them normally, and if they’re already too good, just let them be.

Then there’s Z-moves, which solves one problem of Mega-Evolution: All Pokemon can get involved. No matter what, your Pokemon can unleash super cool but sometimes questionably named moves. And, apart from new animations, the special Z-moves aren’t so insanely preferable to the normal ones. It’s cool, but if every Pokemon gets to use them, it kinda gets old after a while. Also, it’s a one-time use, so if you fuck it up it’s wasted. It’s definitely not perfect, but I will say I love the special Z-move animations, mainly because it’s not just Pokemon doing stock animations for a quick little attack. They animated that Pokemon specifically for this attack, which is basically a cutscene, and it always looks better. It is a bit strange, though, that even though Z-moves are seemingly named after Zygarde, it doesn’t even get a special Z-move of its own. That dude really got the shaft when it comes to 3rd legend attention...

Now we have Dynamax and Gigantamax. I just want to say that, when it first was revealed that you can turn your Pokemon into Kaiju I was extremely hyped. More hyped than I had any right to be. Considering nothing else, Dynamax definitely is the winner in terms of visual concept. Not only does it just look cool, but I love how Gym stadiums are designed specifically to accommodate them. It’s a nice touch of worldbuilding (even though it’s basically necessary). Unfortunately… It’s easily the Jack of all trades, master of none in terms of gameplay. It’s like Mega Evolution in how you change the appearance and power of your Pokemon, and it’s like Z-moves because they have super powerful moves with special effects. Sounds alright I guess, but I really just wish they kept the previous two gimmicks instead of just making a new one that checks them both off. Also, Gigantamax actually annoys me. They try to make it seem like your Pokemon changes, but the vast majority of them either look worse or hardly change at all. Specifically, Copperaja looks like an absolute joke, even though normal Copperaja is one of my favorites of the region. But, ones like Hatterene, Corviknight, Garbodor, and Grimmsnarl hardly look any different at all. Even Appultun and Flapple have the exact same Gigantamax. Who cares? Even their moves have almost exactly the same animations as their type’s counterparts, with a slightly different particle effect. It’s so much less interesting than they make it seem, and it has all the problems of liking Megas over their base, but worse, since they’re more temporary and only allowed in certain areas. Plus, Gigantamax isn’t even a thing possible with all members of a single species. Obviously now they’re introducing a way to change that, but at that point why not just do it Mega style? It’s not even that much better, but there’s so much more work in it. It’s like less rare shinies. It did bring about a decent event in the games, those being the Max Raid Battles, which both have good rewards and good challenge to them. I don’t have friends so they suck for me, but with friends it looks awesome.

I feel like the worst part is that they probably are just going to retcon these gimmicks in the future, like they did with the Pokedex. It makes sense, but each thing was made to be such a massive deal in their respective regions, it feels lame that they’re just gone now. 

But, oh my god. You have no idea. Regional Variants are the best thing to happen to Pokemon since, I dunno, whatever. They’re amazing, and something that should never leave the franchise ever. Like a Kantonian form more than an Alolan form? Sure. It’s still there with all its power, it just has a different style in this region. That is not only biologically logical, but it brings back interest in a Pokemon without outclassing the classics. Plus, now it feels like every single Pokemon has a possibility to shine that is both permanent and preserving of the original. I just can’t get enough of it. Then Sword and Shield introduced the idea of Regional Evolutions, which can be both plain evolutions and split evolutions from the normal form like with Cofagrigus and Runerigus, meaning the possibilities are endless. Then, even further, regional LEGENDARIES. It doesn’t make sense lore-wise but who cares, the new birds look awesome as all hell and I actually like them now. It’s so perfect, I don’t want anything more than this in future games. I would kill for some Sinnoh variants of post-gen 4 Pokemon in the remakes. Hell, I hope Sinnoh gets revamped with a ton of different options across the later generations so it feels significantly different from the originals. 

As for things like Primal Reversion, I honestly don’t even know. It’s even less significant than Gigantamax, but since it has more interesting lore I’m sort of fine with it. I do hope they use it for other legends too, especially since Palkia and Dialga are just asking for it, with their respective orbs, and Dialga already having the “Primal” title elsewhere. And yes, I know he’s called “Dark Dialga” in Japanese. 

If I may be so bold, I think a neat gimmick that can be both unique, interesting, and completely alter the strategies of battle, would be some sort of temporary type inversion. That is, everything going out of and coming into the inverted Pokemon will have reverse effectiveness. It’s like the fringe little Inverse battle you can go through in X/Y, but turned into a mechanic that’s inserted into normal battles. Visually, it would give the Pokemon a negative look, as in inverting their colors and shading. I don’t see how this could single out certain Pokemon in a special way, like with a form change or anything, but maybe there could be one specific Pokemon that has an ability that does something special when it inverts. Maybe items could be made for a special use too. I was sort of half-using it for a fan region I’m half-devoted to that will likely not be a full fledged idea, but I do like it.

Roadblocks/HMs:

I’m entirely fine with the way things are now, where you just get the HMs as key items you use whenever you want, but I can sympathize with the small contingent of people who like using their Pokemon to traverse the world, instead of anything else. I definitely think anyone who prefers HMs beyond that reason is an absolute lunatic, but I think there is some sort of a point to be made, and I think a combo of Let's Go and Sun and Moon have the answer. It is so much more fun to ride your Pokemon around than it is to get a bike (and put on some seriously ugly clothing, mind you), and I think Let's Go with giving you the option to ride your Pokemon instead of using a bike is seriously fun. I used a Rapidash almost exclusively for that purpose in my run of that game. Who the hell wouldn’t want to ride a Rapidash, assuming you weren’t going to catch fire? Plus, it’s YOUR Rapidash. Ride Pokemon in Sun and Moon were still pretty good, because they served functions you wouldn’t normally expect from HMs, like Tauros being both your bike replacement and Rock Smash, while Stoutland is a dowsing rod. It does get a bit weird when you “ride” a Machamp just so it can push rocks for you, but it’s better than forcing you to teach one of your team members a normal type move at the very end of the game since you absolutely need it to move on, and having to keep it until you can fly back to the move deleter. Honestly, if you could just delete HMs on the fly, they would be so much more acceptable. Still would be worse than what we have now tho.

Basically, I think Pokemon should have inherent HM abilities in them. That is, every single Tauros you catch can smash rocks, and every single Machamp you catch can push rocks. Each Pokemon would either be capable or incapable of a task, and you only need that species to go through it. That way, you’re both using your own Pokemon, while also not limiting their moves. It also makes it easy to tell why birds like Starly shouldn’t be able to carry you and fly you around, while birds like Staraptor can. I also think any road blocks using Rock Smash or Cut should be entirely optional, and for secrets only. In order to make Fly a limited option, maybe only fully evolved Fly-logical Pokemon can use it, so you can’t just fly somewhere in the early game. But, another thing: if you can fly early, so what? It’s not like you get extra options, you only can go back to places you’ve already been to. Even though it doesn’t make sense logically, it’s a very fair piece of game design that really doesn’t have a super obvious reason why it’s limited to the middle few gyms. If you have a strong bird that can pick you up, you obviously worked enough to get some convenience. 

But then, what would be a roadblock to keep you from going too far? A horde of dancing men? Honestly, that’s just one of those things fixed by my open world idea. Maybe some areas can be super strong so as to tell you that you shouldn’t be there, and maybe implement the idea of the Wild Area where you can’t catch the strong-looking Pokemon, but apart from that make most of the world scale up with you. Surely some areas would be slightly higher leveled then the rest, though, for the sake of variety. The Wild area does get a bit stale when literally everything you encounter is exactly lvl 60. Obviously there could be some pointless story-focused roadblocks that only clear when you progress, because that is how it is in real life. You can’t just walk into some business’ office unless you have business there. Of course, you can’t exactly walk into random strangers’ houses either, but still. 

I do want to praise ORAS again because the Soar feature with the Latis was extremely cool. It was like Ride Pokemon but using the objectively coolest possible HM to control. If they sort of nerfed the Fly mechanic and made it so you did have to ride your Pokemon and fly them there like the Latis I wouldn't mind that at all. Although, surely some other people would...

Other Bits:

- I still think that, even though having every Pokemon in the game would be great, I think if it can improve the game elsewhere I wouldn’t mind them saving some space. The problem is that Sword and Shield really wasn’t the best way to suggest it would vastly improve anything. I’ve gone on ad nauseam elsewhere about that so bleh

- I love seeing Pokemon in the overworld. I do think it would benefit from the Let’s Go treatment, where you can at least see if a Pokemon is shiny or not. Either way, it gives them so much more personality, like how some charge head-first at you while some walk up and casually examine you.

- I don’t really care too much about Pokemon following you to be honest. It would obviously be preferred over the alternative, but I’m not gonna riot if it doesn’t happen. It did give a lot of personality I didn’t expect in Lets Go, like Bellsprout being so darn speedy.

- I could probably make a whole nother giant rant about the overall designs of Pokemon but needless to say I’m fine with it overall. I do sort of wish they’d do something else with the starters though, since I haven’t genuinely loved a starter since Gen 4. Honestly Chesnaught was pretty close, but I still get the urge to replace him with something more interesting. Outside of them, though, I think things are going good. Some are duds, but some are bangers like Corvinight, Grimmsnarl, Hatterene, Frosmoth, and a bunch of others which I could easily list but this is supposed to be succinct comments so

- There definitely has to be some sort of endgame content, but everyone already knows that. Seriously though, what if the colosseums from PBR become the replacement Battle Frontier? That would be dope. Although the normal Battle Frontier would be fine too, I guess…

- PBR PBR PBR. PBR is great for it’s realistic sizes of Pokemon. If you’re going to use full-size models of humans, the Pokemon should match. Or, at least make it a little more true to reality. Yes, Wailord is too damn small.

[atc74]

Thinking of You

Square(s) Filled: Artist Au for @spnfluffbingo2019 (I am taking some creative liberty here as both characters are written as songwriters, therefore...artist)

Warnings: Breakup, mentions of Jensen being a playboy, angst, fluff

Summary: Y/N feels the need to make it on her own without Jensen’s name to help her career, but he’s still always there, with her. 

Pairing: Jensen x Reader, featuring Christian Kane

Word Count: 1570 (with lyrics)

Written for: @spnfluffbingo2019

Beta’d by: @amanda-teaches, I love you girl!

A/N: I’ve been listening to a lot of Christian Kane lately. Like A LOT, so here is another fic inspired by his song, Thinking of You, which he performed on the show Leverage. I use a local LA station and radio personality as a setting for a portion of the story. 

** As a reminder, this is a work of fiction and should be regarded as such. No harm is intended toward the actor(s) or their families.

Like Jensen’s scent? Buy it here from @scentsfromthebunker!

Jensen stared at the headline of the daily paper over his morning coffee: “Heartbreaker Jensen Ackles leaves another girl in the dust as his music career picks up speed.” It’s been on his mind for days, but he finally made the call.

“Chris, man I need your help,” Jensen pleaded with his longtime friend.

“The infamous Jensen Ackles needs my help?” Christian Kane marveled.

“Infamous, really?” Jensen scoffed.

“Would you prefer notorious, nefarious, scandalous?” Christian was laughing hard on the other end of the phone. It was no secret in their younger days, they all had plenty of women throwing themselves at the pair, but Jensen never found the right fit. The world just assumed he was a playboy, and he did nothing to prove them wrong.

“She dumped me, Chris. I was ready to give her everything and she dropped me like a hot potato. Said she needed to focus on her career and wanted to make a name for herself on her own,” Jensen sniffed.

Kane sat up a little straighter, phone still in hand. “I’ve had your back for twenty years buddy, I ain’t about to say no now. What do you need?”

“I’ve got a writer’s showcase next weekend. I’ve got an idea, but I need your help,” Jensen explained his idea to Christian and they agreed to meet the next day.

~*~

Y/N Y/L/N had been performing show after show in little rinky dink clubs and county fairs. Her debut single was climbing the charts, but she felt like she was losing a part of herself in the process. Maybe the hardest part was having to sing that song every other night for the last three weeks. A song she wrote with Jensen. A song she had recorded and Jensen provided harmony on. A song that spoke about their love.

Now, what did she have? A hit single with her ex-boyfriend. How’s that for irony? She broke up with him because she wanted to make it on her own. Her own talent, her own name. And, it’s the song they co-wrote while they were together that was pushing her toward the top. She read the headline one more time as her tour bus rolled to the next town and her tears fell, staining the newsprint.

The entire world thought he kicked her to the curb but it was all her doing. It had been three weeks and she hadn’t seen or heard from him since she walked out on him. But she would have to see him next weekend at the showcase. They were expected to perform for everyone. She didn’t know how she could look him in the face now. Making it on her own? It was still him pushing her to chase her dreams like he always had. She wouldn’t be where she was if it wasn’t for him.

~*~

“Hey Los Angeles! I’m Christine Martindale and you’re listening to KKGO, Go Country 105 and have we got a show for you today!” Christine opened her broadcast for the day. “Tomorrow is the Ivories and Strings Songwriters showcase and we have a few of the songwriters in the station today to give all of us sneak peeks into their new music.”

Queuing up the next song in the lineup, Christine hit a couple buttons on the board in front of her before looking to her producer. “Who do we have first, Rudy?”

“We’ve got Y/N Y/L/N, Jensen Ackles with Christian Kane, and Steve Carlson all in the building today. Who do you want first?”

“Seriously? What is wrong with the booking agents? They booked both of them to be on with me today?” She rolled her eyes at Rudy through the glass. “Let’s go with Ackles and Kane first. I’ve loved him since he was on Days of Our Lives and Christian was on Angel!”

“Welcome back LA. That was Kane Brown with Short Skirt Weather and, speaking of Kane, I’ve got Jensen Ackles and Christian Kane here in the studio with me today. We’ll be hearing from Y/N Y/L/N and Steve Carlson both a bit later, but gentlemen, welcome!” Christine smiled brightly at both Jensen and Christian sitting across from her with their guitars. “Jensen, now that Supernatural is winding down, we understand you’ve been working on some music. What can you tell us about your newest project?”

“Hey, Christine. Well, yeah, after fifteen years of playing the same character, who to be honest, will always be a part of me, I decided it was time to delve a little deeper into something that I’ve always loved to do. I have been working with Steve Carlson and Jason Manns on a new album of original material,” Jensen chuckled a bit, clearing his throat. “And Chris tagged along with me today to debut my newest song which he co-wrote with me.”

“Well, I am excited. Christian, it’s always good to see you. Let’s hear it!” The announcer flipped off her microphone and watched as the singers readied themselves. The soft strums of their guitars filled the studio before Jensen started singing.

Well I know they say all good things

Must come to some kind of ending

We were so damn good, I guess we never stood a chance

Go and find what you've been missin'

When that highways tired a listenin'

You'll see I'm not that easy to forget

Jensen closed his eyes as he sang, his voice filled with emotion. He opened them to meet Christian’s as he joined him on the chorus.

And when a new moon shines through your window

Or you hear a sad song on the radio

And you don't know why but you just start to cry

Or you’re driving round on a sunny day

And outta nowhere comes the pouring rain

And a memory hits you right out of the blue

That's just me

Thinking of you

The constant commotion inside the radio station seemed to cease and all ears were tuned to the overhead speakers broadcasting Christine’s midday show and the singers in studio. Y/N looked up from her phone and froze when she heard a familiar voice coming from above.

I'm not gonna try to stop you

Duddn’t mean that I don't want too

If I know you, you've already made up your mind

To go on and go if you’re leaving

Put a million miles between us

But you’ll still feel me like I'm right there at your side

Tears filled her eyes as she listened to his soulful voice as he sang the words that she knew must have been painful for him to write.

And when a new moon shines through your window

Or you hear a sad song on the radio

And you don't know why but you just start to cry

Or you’re driving round on a sunny day

And outta nowhere comes the pouring rain

And a memory hits you right out of the blue

That's just me

Thinking of you

And I'm thinkin' about the road you’re on

I'm thinkin' about you coming home

I'm wondering if you got your radio on

Y/N jumped to her feet and threw open the door to the green room. She rushed down the hall toward the studios, searching frantically through the windows for any sign of the ball cap and ginger beard she had yearned for since the day she walked out of his life. And, there he was, in the last window on her left. Her body skidded to a stop, but her heart and mind were racing with anticipation and jittery nerves as she met his emerald gaze through the glass as he sang.

And when you find your way to another town

And someone tries to lay ya down

And a feelin' hits you right out of the blue

It’s me thinking of you

That's just me

Thinking of you.

Jensen finished the last chord and dropped his guitar as he rose from the stool. He hurried from the inner studio and wrenched open the outer door. “Y/N…” Her name fell from his lips as it had a thousand times before, as a tear slipped down his face.

“I’m sorry, Jensen. You were right. Every town. Every song, the sun, even the rain. It was all you. It’s always been you. You’ve been there every step of the way, even after I turned my back on us. I was so wrong to think I needed to do this on my own. What good are the victories if I don’t have you to share them with?” Y/N professed.

Fresh tears fell once more from her red rimmed eyes as he took a step forward and brushed his thumb across her cheek. “I never stopped thinking about you.”

“I think about you every day and how stupid I was to leave. It’s not worth it if I can’t share it with you,” she cried, her hand covering his, still cupping her face. “I don’t want to share it with anyone else.”

“Good,” he sighed, pulling her into his warm and certain embrace. “‘Cause I’m pretty sure we just wrote a hit song about you and I’d hate to have to celebrate that without you.”

“I’m not going anywhere. We’ll celebrate all the number ones together,” she whispered.

“It doesn’t matter anymore. This is my greatest hit, right here.”

The Whole Enchilada: @iwantthedean  @dolphincliffs @mrswhozeewhatsis @meganwinchester1999 @cherrycokegirls1 @closetspngirl  @roxyspearing @flamencodiva @blacktithe7 @sis-tafics @just-another-busyfangirl @evansrogerskitten @amanda-teaches @hannahindie @wotinspntarnation @winchesterprincessbride @winecatsandpizza @kickingitwithkirk  @wi-deangirl77 @hobby27 @mogaruke @gh0stgurl @paintrider13-blog @hunterscabin @alleiradayne @idreamofplaid

The Dean’s List / Jensen’s Jamboree: @jerkbitchidjitassbutt @dean-winchesters-bacon @maddiepants @adoptdontshoppets @mtngirlforever

[roses-ruby]

7

part 2

00:00- You know how BTS always say they know how hard we have it and they want to be a source of comfort for us and that is a big reason for their existence? The vocal line deliver us that very comfort through this song. Jimin and Jin’s soft harmonization with V is a masterpiece. They want us to come back safe after a long day and just turn this song on, they want to relate to our pain and even if just a bit, lessen it. They want us to take a breath with them. The fan and celeb relationship has always been an equal give and take in my eyes - you give them happiness by supporting them and they give you happiness by supporting you. BTS are really the only idols out there verbalizing their love for us to this extent. I love this song, I could listen to it forever.

Inner Child- This song is so beautiful omggg Tae had one of the biggest character developments in the public eye imo. He used to be so so so silly. To me he is still the hardest person to figure out. If you think about it, how much do you actually know about Kim Taehyung? Has he not been the most private member in BTS by far? His aura’s just so different now, like he has gone through way too much. And as of right now, do any of ya’ll think of him as the same kid who said “turn up” in front of Coolio??? 🥴🤧 idk idk I’m rambling but the point is, Taehyung is different. His eyes were bright and heart was big but he was hurting. You’d never think that hyper, smiley kid was worried about the future. Someone who said he thinks bunnies are on the moon didn’t believe in galaxies. The always laughing kid, Taehyung wishes he would smile more genuinely. Imo we don’t know who the past Taehyung was and we never did. Tae is the only person who knows his true self, he’s the only one who will take care of himself. I’m just glad he has his own back.

Friends- Sounds like a movie honestly. The beat feels like an early 2000s romcom sksksk. In the idol life, the people you are in a group with are your coworkers. But Taehyung and Jimin have built a relationship beyond that. They’ve become so close and they are recalling all of that through this song, it’s so endearing. They do fight often but they also have the healthy understanding that these petty fights will never damage their relationship as a whole. They call one another soulmates because they honestly believe they were destined to meet. This is a sweet and intricate song that I don’t think needs an interpretation. If you met someone like Tae met Jimin, then you can truly relate. That feeling of “shit this is my other half...i wanna stay with this person” ssjhdshkd bruh singles look away. Vmin out here breaking hearts and I hope they will stay together far longer than forever.

Moon- Jin always out here making us feel beautiful wtf wtf. Jin my lovely boy, the one who always teases us first sldkhd he’s seriously such first love material it hurts. I love him. I love the way he loves us. The lyrics are so beautiful he wants to be our moon and we want to be his plz this is that “I love you more” “no I love you more” couple everyone hates but secretly wants to be sjkssk imo Jin has the most beautiful vocal tone, I’m addicted to his voice which is why I loved epiphany as much as I did. we all know he deserves so much more appreciation. I just want Jin to know he consistently awes me by his choice of solos and I’m desperately waiting for that solo album. I love him so much thank you for being my brightest moon.

Respect- Literally screamed when I saw the lyric to this song. YES kings tell them you remember how they treated you before the fame! You remember the constant bad mouthing and hate comments and lawsuits. You remember the disrespect. Tell them their “respect” means nothing now akhdka The industry treated them like dirt cause they weren’t one of the big 3 and I know OG ARMYs remember it. I love Yoongi and Joon’s interaction in this. Rapline is so tired of fake bullshit and I am so HERE for it. Yoongi’s always been the more blunt, hard hitting rapper and he really shows that through this song. Ya’ll know I’m a shooter right? And we all know the biggest shooter for BTS is BTS jahgdjag

We Are Bulletproof: The Eternal- Two seconds in and I was in tears??? They’ve worked so, so hard to reach where they are now and I hope no one forgets that. Literally bawled at “We were only seven but we have you all now” It’s so wild to look at BTS and think they are the group that made it. The group that broke endless boundaries. The group that became worldwide. Shit remember when we thought 100,00 preorders were hard?? jsksk The way the melody hits and their sweet voices one after the other just *chef’s kiss* Not to get emotional on main but the fact that their name is bulletproof? A word that has become symbolic in the means of striving through hate and pain. First they had one another and now they have us? The song that originally went hard and they rapped about having no fear and dissed others who looked down on them became a soft love song to talk about their pain and vulnerability? How they manage to survive hardships makes them move forward, how having loving people by their side is what makes them bulletproof? THE CHARACTER GROWTH? Yo BTS are god’s children ya’ll.

Overall, I love this album with my whole heart. They fully incorporated what it means to be 7 and as an OG ARMY, I cannot be more proud. Just compare their music from even ‘HER’ to now. Their is such growth in their lyrics and love in their hearts. Thank you to BTS for giving us bigger and better music to this day. For providing us with performances we can awe over and not losing their roots just because they’ve become big. I’m so grateful that they continue to be by my side.

part 1

[thebrochtuarachs]

I just watched it and I just cry because I suddenly don’t recognise Claire and Bree anymore and I feel super bad for Jamie - not because Roger deserved that beat up - but that Brianna and Claire did nothing - NOTHING - to, at least, make him understand.

HERE ARE SOME OF MY OTHER THOUGHTS ON THE 4x10 EPISODE: 

1. Though I really missed the JB fireplace/cuddle scene (which I feel is equally, if not more important scene to be featured), I did like that they included the part where Jamie provoked Brianna and showed her that she couldn’t fight Bonnet even if she tried her hardest. I loved that Jamie was hesitant about hurting her but it was the only he knew how for her to realise that it wasn’t her fault. I hope Brianna knew that Jamie did it as his way to show his love for her. 

2. That scene in the end where Bree revealed he knew Jamie understood what was done to her because she knew it happened to him is indeed another block in the building of their relationship. I loved the fact that Bree opened up to him even though the topic was about murder, but trusted Jamie enough to guide her  in understanding the situation. I loved that Jamie said that he did for Claire and he would do all over again if need be - in some way, its his way of telling her that he’ll do anything for her too. 

3. I skipped all the Roger parts. All of them. 

4. I felt that the “abortion” conversation ran too long and Claire keep circling around the topic in very vague terms which elongated the conversation. When Bree asked if she considered it with her, my heart swelled a bit when Claire declared that “she and her father wanted and loved her” (I just didn’t like that the dialogue went ‘I wanted you, I loved your father and he wanted you’ - I mean, why can’t it be a collective like ‘we loved each other and we wanted you’, small thing but meh). I loved that revelation thinking about what happened in 2x13 and Jamie and Claire’s decision to part forever for her sake. Brianna, I think, also needed to feel that she is loved unconditionally by both of them and that they’ll do everything they can to help her whatever they decide. 

5. Loved that when Claire suggested that she leave back for the stone now, she didn’t want to leave. I think she wanted to spend more time with her mother and Jamie as well. She wanted to know Jamie. 

5. Again, bummed that the writers didn’t include Jamie and Claire’s argument when she was contemplating suggesting abortion to Bree. It was to be another impactful moment for J/C as they navigate being parents together, especially to a daughter caught in a complicated situation as Bree. 

6. TIME TRAVELING THEORIES TIME!! Hahaha!

7. Wee Ian being all grown-up and Brianna finally having a cousin! What a momentous moment. 

8. Am I the only one who cringes and hurts for Jamie every time Brianna refers to Frank as “my father”? UGH UGH UGH 

9. “I CAME HERE TO FIND YOU TOO” JUST PULL MY HEART OUT ALREADY. I NEED MORE JAMIE X BREE MOMENTS. THANK U, NEXT.

10. Is Lizzie even sick anymore? I guess not? 

11. I honestly didn’t get the trade scene? Is it important? Was it in the book? 

12. Claire must’ve really done herself in with all the gardening cause she looked awfully tired in the dinner table. 

13. Love Claire and Bree scene just talking about stuff in the future. Of course, these are things they cannot mention to anyone but to each other and surely, there’s a certain relief and freedom that they can talk about it now and its such a relief for both of them. Love this mother-daughter scene (though not sure how this scene adds to the story, I mean they could’ve used this airtime for some other important thing?)

14. OMG THE NIGHTMARE SCENE - DANG, BREE IS GOING THROUGH PTSD JUST LIKE JAMIE DID BEFORE AND I FEEL SO BAD FOR HER. It’s the same when Jamie thought he saw Claire and then Randall will seep through. For a while, I thought Bonnet was really there! I guess that’s how victims feel inside their head - good representation for me. Kudos to Sophie and Ed for giving me the chills. 

15. OH GOD HERE WE ARE IN THE MISUNDERSTANDING SCENE THAT TOTALLY MISSED THE MARK FOR ME. Though I dinner justify Roger’s beating, Jamie couldn’t have known what Roger looked like. Lizzie said it was the man and she was sure and Jamie was acting on pure instinct to save his daughter’s honour. But the way Bree explained it to him at the beginning of this argument was confusing already and Jamie, albeit not intentionally, thought otherwise of Bree’s intentions because he did not know there was another man. But slapping him? I get she’s angry, but he’s still her father and he deserved some respect. I wonder how many times in his life Jamie have been slapped, not many I’m guess, and especially from the people he loves. I think this part went a bit far especially when the “other man” is revealed. AND CLAIRE JUST STOOD THERE AND NOTHING, DID NOT EVEN MITIGATE A BIT, DID NOT DEFEND HER HUSBAND NOR LIGHTLY REPRIMAND HER DAUGHTER. I get that she had to appease Brianna but her face says that she’s angry with Jamie too but that was not the time nor place to show that anger. Jamie apologises and Brianna just blurts out “go to hell” I MEAN WHAT IS THAT. THAT IS JUST CRUEL. AND CLAIRE DID NOTHING STILL. (I AM SO ANGRY AT THIS SCENE AT THIS POINT). AND THEN WE GET “MY FATHER WAS A GOOD MAN AND YOU’RE JUST A SAVAGE” MORE CRUELTY THAT JAMIE DID NOT DESERVE. Gosh, I wonder what Frank Randall would do if he found out his daughter is unwed and pregnant - I bet he’d suggest losing it first. Brianna has been Frank Randall’s daughter for 20 years and it shows and I don’t like it one bit). 

16. WHEN CLAIRE REVEALED IT WAS BONNET, THE WOMAN HAD THE NERVE TO LOOK AT HER HUSBAND WITH ANGER AND RESENTMENT - WHEN SOME EPISODES AGO, SHE WAS TELLING HIM ITS NOT HIS FAULT BUT NOW, SHE’S BLAMING HIM. I HATED THAT LOOK CLAIRE GAVE HIM. I HATED THAT SHE HAD THE GALL TO EXPRESS IT. I JUST HATE THAT SCENE. THAT IS SO NOT JAMIE AND CLAIRE. THAT IS NOT HOW THEY DEAL WITH FIGHTS AND ARGUMENTS. NOT LIKE THESE. THEY DO NOT RESENT EACH OTHER BUT NOW, APPARENTLY, THEY DO. Jesus Christ, I AM SO SAD. 

17. DEAR LORD SAM HEUGHAN. HE IS THE SAVING GRACE OF SEASON 4. THE LOOK OF DESPAIR IN HIS FACE WHEN BREE ASKED “WHERE WAS ROGER” AND HE HAD TO HOLD HIMSELF TOGETHER. DAMN, THAT WAS SOME FINE GREAT ACTING. WHEN HE GOT ANGRY AND BRIANNA CALLED HIM OUT, THE RESTRAINT IN HIS ACTING, JUST WOW. HE DESERVED ALL THE NOMINATIONS THIS YEAR. JESUS, HIS ACTING IS JUST SO STRONG AND IMPACTFUL THIS SEASON. 

18. BREE IS JUST ALLOWED TO HIT PEOPLE, SERIOUSLY?! HERE WE ARE DEFENDING ROGER’S BEATING AND BREE JUST HITS PEOPLE. AND JUST THEN DID CLAIRE TRY TO REPRIMAND HER. SERIOUSLY. THE INCONSISTENCIES OF THE WRITING THIS SEASON IS JUST DESTROYING THE SHOW. 

19. I don’t even have words for the “Planning” scene other than Brianna is so demanding and Claire is being dramatic and everyone is just in a foul mood. 

20.  AND THEN WE GET ANOTHER UN-JAMIE/CLAIRE-LIKE SCENE. Jamie, now, wants to understand and he asks his wife for answers too. He’s asking so he can understand the extent of the damage he’s done, if he can repair his relationship with his daughter, he just wants to know and understand and what does Claire do - WALK AWAY. If this was the Jamie and Claire I know, they would hash it out all in the open until all is said and done (aka First Wife scene, Blade under the grass scene, FAITH scene, etc..) SHE DIDN’T WALK AWAY. HE DIDN’T WALK AWAY. THEY TALKED THE PAIN AND ANGER OUT BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT THEY DO - that’s what healthy relationships do, that’s always been them, it’s why they work. Secrets but no lies (well, Jamie lied about the hand but the Claire I knew will call him out then shut him down). I AM SO ANGRY THAT THIS SCENE DIDN’T GO TO AN ALL OUT CONFRONTATION CAUSE THAT IS WHAT I EXPECTED FROM JAMIE AND CLAIRE. Clearly, the writers had them in a different light where they walk away from each other - I DO NOT LIKE JAMIE AND CLAIRE WHO CAN EASILY WALK AWAY FROM EACH OTHER. NO. NO. NO. Because if it was easy to do that, then Jamie and Claire’s relationship are in trouble. 

21. I hated this “goodbye” scene too. ALL JAMIE WANTED TO DO, AND YOU CAN SEE IT IN HIS FACE, IS TO HUG IS DAUGHTER AND SAY A PROPER GOODBYE TO HER - BECAUSE TO HIM THIS IS A MISSION HE MIGHT NOT RETURN FROM (spoiler: it’s why Bree made her mama go with them). NOW MAYBE I JUST WANT JAMIE NOT TO RETURN TO BREE CAUSE SHE DOESN’T DESERVE HIM (okay, I went a tad overboard with this but I am so frustrated with these characters and story, im letting me feelings out). AND CLAIRE JUST STOOD THERE, DID NOT EVEN ENCOURAGE HER OR HIM TO PROPERLY SAY GOODBYE. SERIOUSLY, WHERE IS CLAIRE FRASER? THE REAL CLAIRE FRASER?! Seriously, and then Claire and Bree hug and Im just imagining Jamie there at the side, wishing he could too. I mean, he even passes by them again just so maybe he could but still, nothing and they all went in their merry way. (im so emotional about this scene) 

22. MURTAGH AND JOCASTA MEETING AND REMINISCING ABOUT ELLEN IS THE ONLY SAVING GRACE OF THIS EPISODE. I HAD SO MUCH FUN WITH THEIR INTERACTION. 

23. “WHILE MY MOTHER AND JAMIE...” Wow, I just don’t like Bree in this episode. So Jamie is relegated from Da back to calling him Jamie. Wow, such a disrespect. Could’ve called her “father” if she wanted something more formal or distant to call him. But calling him just “Jamie” just boils my blood with anger cause Jamie doesn’t deserve this cruelty. Jesus Christ, he sacrificed himself for all and it still is not enough, especially for the people who mean most to him. Brianna’s bratty attitude didn’t sit well with me this episode and I hate it. 

Bottomline, I knew this scene was coming. From book to TV, I didn’t expect the writers would delete important parts to give more context to feelings to justify it. No, they just jumped from one place to another, trying to go through the chapters so fast, they missed the point of it all. I missed a lot of scenes from the fireplace cuddle to the abortion argument. But Brianna’s and Claire’s attitude towards Jamie in this whole ordeal have felt nothing short but cruel for me. They didn’t give him a chance to explain, give themselves a chance to make him understand the depth of the situation. Instead, they shout at him, keep secrets from him, call him names, don’t acknowledge them, walk away from him, shut him out, and I hate that because he knows he’s done wrong and just wants to make it right but no one would tell him how or at least, again, make him understand. Jamie must be frustrated as heck between his wife and daughter, the only family he cares most about but he just stays silent. The turmoil inside must be killing him and he’d already decided that he will bring Roger back even if it costs him his own life. 

But damn, the writers just missed the mark so much with Jamie, Claire and Bree and how to handle the progression of their situation and I am so sad because I’m anticipating this moment most and they ruined it. 

Now, I don’t even have the courage or will to watch the last 3 episodes. They story, characters and actors (except Sam) aren’t just there this season and I just sad because this is my favorite book in the series. 

Fin. 

[swingbeard]

🌈 🌈 🌈

Hey, it’s my girlfriend. 

Fun story for the folks who read this - we actually met through Tumblr. I had followed her blog for quite some time and I really wanted to write with her, as I thought her characters were so rad, but was actually a little nervous and afraid to do so. A mutual friend of ours prompted me to reach out, and I’m pretty sure the PM I sent her on this site is… around. Somewhere.

That was… early 2016. 

Look where we are now, babe.

I tell you every day that I love you. So much. And I mean it everytime I say it. There is no one else in this world who makes me smile the way you do, and just getting to talk with you each day is great. I don’t care if it’s in the morning when you call me, or when I get home from work and am just downright tired and exhausted so we hop into a Discord call.

Any chance to talk with you is an opportunity I relish and love. Any chance to just… be around you is the best. Seriously. I don’t think I’ve ever gelled with another person in real life the way we did. Was there some initial awkwardness or nerves I had to sort out as I knew at that point when we first met in real life that I liked you?

A whole lot?

Oh yeah, but still we were already friends and what we cultivated on the internet translated almost immediately from digital to real. It was an incredible thing. You’re incredible. You know that. I tell you that every day, and I want you to know it.

Rachel, you’re doing so great with life. I know the last year has been a little rough here and there, but you’ve managed in the best way you can and I can’t begin to say how proud of you I am. Just keep doing what you’re doing, and know that I’ll always be there for you. No matter what. 

I miss you so much, and every time I have to leave whenever we get together (or you have to leave) it’s just the hardest thing. Really. Seriously. The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. We have plans to make this change VERY SOON, but we’re doing great as we are and I can’t wait to see you again.

(No really. I can’t wait. Did you want to come out in June? July? I know we’ll be at D*Con, but still…)

At the end of the day, I love you so much, @entropytea. I truly hit the lottery with you and you’re the best thing in my life. Thank you for you.

@entropytea

[cloverhighfivewritestoo]

The Empty’s Curse

👉 Read it on Ao3

Characters – Dean, Castiel (Destiel eventually), Sam, Jack, Rowena, Billie/Death mainly. A few others.

Warnings – Angst, fluff (eventually). Dean having a hard time with his feelings (duh). Destiel fluff.

Summary – Dean is dying and there is no getting out of it this time. After a round of goodbyes from friends, Castiel takes Dean on one last ride.

Words – 5390

A/N – Theme clearly heavily influenced by this week’s episode (14x07) (it was the one where Jack is sick and coughing up blood and they couldn’t find a cure)(And yes I wrote this right after 14x07 - Cas’ deal is in 14x08. So. !!!) A/N2 - Special thanks to @licieoic​ for the wonderful painting! Our soft boys were in good hands! <3

The entity from The Empty had had it. A number of people had risen from its depths over time, and the entity seriously had had enough. It knew it was all linked to Dean somehow and had decided to end this charade – it needed its sleep. And so, in a tongue-in-cheek fit of rage, it had cursed Dean to get a little more sleepy each day, losing his vital energy until there is no more.

It took a few weeks before anyone noticed something off. But at some point Dean fell asleep at the wheel, scaring Sam and Jack. The following days had been spent trying to figure out what’s wrong – and not letting Dean drive, which made him extra grumpy although he agreed.

They’d found nothing. They’d read every book in the bunker – again – and every book in the other capitum, and turned out nothing. Some Egyptian spells, some mesopotamian legends, but nothing really fit perfectly.

They’d taken him to the hospital. They’d found nothing.

They’d called Ketch, who, in spite of his vast knowledge, had no idea what could be wrong exactly. He’d contacted a few trusted old friends (much to everyone’s surprise) to try and search the Men of Letters library. After a few days, they hit jackpot – if a curse by The Empty’s entity can be called jackpot. Someone back in Egyptian times had had too much power and the entity had decided it was enough. The story said no god could change the entity’s mind, and the Egyptian man had withered away slowly.

So Dean was dying. Slowly. He was not in any particular pain, he was just tired, a little more each day. He would sleep a lot and, the little time he was awake, he would keep to his bed. He would not eat. He hardly drank a little water.

Sam was by his side almost every waking moment. Jack too. Castiel had gone to try and find some Shaman or anyone the Shaman would recommend. He called to check in every now and then.

Rowena had managed to get Death to come – without killing reapers – so they could talk to her and try to convince her to talk to The Empty’s entity. The tall, dark, timeless woman stood in the doorway. “Hello Dean.” “Hey Billie.” Billie – Death – stood there, unmoving. Dean added, “So, when you said, ‘see you soon’, did you think it would be this soon?” “Actually, no.” “Hah.” “But it is one of your possible deaths.” “Oh yeah, the books with all my deaths, I remember. Really?” “Yes.” There was a moment of silence in which Death walked to the side of the bed and looked down at Dean. “I’m sorry, Dean.” “Me too.” Sam, who was sitting by the bed, asked Death, “Can’t you do something about this?” “No. This death is one of the possible ones. Things will keep in balance if this death happens. It is sooner than I thought, but, then again, I’ve come to expect the Winchesters to live much longer, or many more times than the usual Joe.” Dean didn’t like the answer. “So you’re not going to help us. But you said to me, I remember, you said I was important. That I had work to do. And there is still work to do.” Death turned to Dean. “You have a point. I’ll try to talk to The Empty. But I can’t promise anything; I have no power over it.” Her gaze became unfocused a moment. She blinked. “It said no. And it said it’s claiming you. I’m sorry, Dean, I am.” So Death couldn’t help. The Empty wouldn’t let Dean live. That meant Castiel’s search wouldn’t do anything to help. But even with this news Castiel just kept pressing on, hopelessly trying to find a loophole, something they could try that they hadn’t thought of. He literally scoured the Earth for any specialist in supernatural matters. Yet his hope was his only; everyone else had understood Dean was dying for real, for good, forever.

The first few days after they all realized the inevitable, Sam had cried in silence by Dean’s bed. A lot. He had tried to keep it in when Dean was awake but sometimes Dean was only half asleep and a tear would roll down his cheek as he heard his brother’s muffled sobs. Days passed, and Sam simply felt numb. A kind of routine settled in, a familiarity with seeing Dean bedridden. Dean had told Sam to get out, go on hunts, get some air. Sam had tried, but had botched the jobs, unable to focus. He even got a few bad injuries. So Sam stayed at the bunker. Dean didn’t have enough energy in him to tease him about being a sloppy hunter.

One afternoon, Dean waited until Jack had left to run some errands to talk to Sam. “I’m sorry, Sammy.” “For what?” “I promised I’d look after you, and here I am, dying on you.” “Dean, don’t say that.” “Still…” “Dean… It’s not your fault.” “But it’s not what I wanted.” He looked at nothing in particular, and said, mostly to himself, “Plus, I’m a hunter, a warrior. I shouldn’t go out like this. This is unfitting.” Sam couldn’t come up with anything to say to that, really. So he just sat there. Dean laid in silence. Sam had his head down, his hands white with clasping them together too hard, his mouth a thin line. “Sammy.” Sam looked up, his hands regained a little colour. He waited. “Sammy, I wish we’d spent more time together.” Sam cocked his head. “But… we’re almost always together.” “That’s not what I mean. I mean, we should have done things together, have a little fun. Not just work. When’s the last time we played pool just for fun, not to hustle anyone?” Sam looked down at his hands. “I honestly can’t remember.” He looked up in Dean’s direction, his eyes unfocused. “But… you know… between everything that’s happened… When’s the last time we actually had time to even think about doing… anything, really?” Dean looked away. “I know.”

Days passed, and turned into weeks. Sam still couldn’t hunt. He felt the more time passed, the closer they must be to the end, and he couldn’t bear thinking of being away when it would happen. Castiel checked in more often, but kept searching still.

Ketch had come by and had told Dean he had pulled every string and every favour to try to find someone who could help, without any success. Dean had thanked him for his efforts. Still, Ketch insisted he was profoundly sorry. He added, with more emotion than both thought possible, that he had hoped he could have made it up to him and he had hoped they could have been partners, even friends. Dean had just said, “alright, alright” but had shook his hand nonetheless, adding, “sorry man, we’re out of time.”

Other people had come – Jody, Donna, Claire… Most didn’t know what to say, cried, held Dean, he cried, held them, they tried to find something to say, couldn’t find much, sat around a while, told stories, memories they’d keep with them of time spent together on hunts and whatnots. Made promises of being badass and keep helping people.

Who took Dean’s going away the hardest? It was not a contest anyway, but Claire sure stood out. She kept apologizing for her behavior, Dean kept telling her it’s fine, she’s turned out a strong, capable, resourceful woman, whispering he’s proud of her into her hair as she held on to him, trying to calm down between sobs.

With people coming and going, Sam and Jack had taken turns watching over Dean, who slept even more. After people had stopped coming, they’d kept to this habit, with Rowena popping in from time to time with some spell she’d found to give him more energy or keep him more awake – the effects of which would be very short-lived, at best.

Castiel finally came back. He looked exhausted, but the kind of exhaustion that goes beyond the body. Sam and Jack welcomed him back, hugs were exchanged, news of Dean’s state given. Sam warned Castiel, “Don’t get too startled, he’s lost quite a bit of weight. I kept his beard a little longer so he wouldn’t look too scary with his sunken cheeks. Of course, I didn’t tell him that. I don’t want him to worry about it.” Castiel had assured him he could not be scared by Dean and proceeded to go see him. Sam and Jack let him go alone. Watching Castiel walk away, Sam coughed down a lump in his throat.

Castiel came into Dean’s room. Dean was sleeping. Castiel usually stood around, forgetting altogether the use of chairs, but this time, he pulled a chair, wanting to be close to Dean, knowing he’ll be there a while. Dean was lying on his back, seemingly sleeping peacefully. There were a few comforters on top of him; he was probably cold, what with his lack of energy. Castiel touched his shoulder. Indeed, Dean was colder than a human should be. He tried to warm him up with his grace, but it didn’t work. Dean didn’t even wake up. Castiel looked at him, his hair grown out, his beard short, but effectively covering some of the sunken in cheeks. Dean wasn’t scary, Castiel thought. He was heart-wrenching. He took Dean’s hand in his, looking at his face.

He felt a squeeze of his hand as he saw Dean’s eyes open slowly. “Cas…” Dean squeezed Castiel’s hand harder. “Cas…” “Hello, Dean.” They looked at each other with horror and sorrow, realizing those two words were probably spoken for the last time. They both knew Castiel wouldn’t leave Dean’s side a single instant now.

Castiel was surprised that, in spite of his state, Dean’s eyes were still a most vibrant green. Castiel didn’t understand why, but he had the sudden urge to get a few strands of hair out of Dean’s face. It was unnecessary – Dean’s hair wasn’t that long – but he wanted to touch him, to feel he was still here. He was already holding Dean’s hand, but it didn’t seem enough. He bent over a bit and smoothed out the hair out of Dean’s face, gently. Dean closed his eyes and turned his face ever so slightly into Castiel’s touch.

Castiel let his hand rest by Dean’s head and, with his thumb, stroke his hair by his ear. He shifted his weight, knowing he’d stay like this for a while. Dean leaned in a little. Castiel looked at his beautiful face, still beautiful in spite of the weight loss. “How did we get to this?” Dean opened his eyes, but didn’t look at Castiel. “You know. It seems I managed to piss off a cosmic entity.” He looked up at Castiel, and, with a sad smile, said, “seems we have something in common.” “Yes, but I pissed him off to come back to you.” Dean closed his eyes, his brow furrowed, his face a grimace of sadness, as he leaned more into Castiel’s hand. “I’m sorry.” “That’s not what I meant – Dean…” Castiel took Dean’s face in both hands. “Dean, don’t… I’m not saying…” He let go of Dean's face. Dean grabbed Castiel’s shoulder and pulled at his trenchcoat. “Cas…” Castiel, without even thinking, bent down and took Dean in his arms. Dean wrapped his arms around Castiel, sobbing. “I’m sorry… I’m so sorry…” “It’s not your fault.” “Yes, it is.” “It doesn’t matter.” “Don’t go.” “I’m not going anywhere.” They stayed like this for a while, Dean going from calming down to panicking again because he knows this is the end and there’s nothing he can do. The powerlessness was unbearable. Abandoning everyone in his care was unbearable. Focusing back on Castiel’s arms around him made him forget his guilt for a moment. But then it came back in waves and he panicked again. Castiel would hold him closer then and Dean could feel Castiel’s eyelashes brush close to his own.

Sam, having heard nothing for a while, thought Dean had fallen asleep again. He went by to talk to Castiel but, as he came to the door, he saw his brother holding on to his angel for dear life. The joy of seeing Dean finally letting his walls down about Castiel filled him with tremendous joy. And knowing the timing was the worst filled him with immense sadness. He didn’t know if he was smiling or crying, but his heart was the heaviest it had been in a while. He closed the door silently.

Inside, Castiel felt Dean’s arms fall to his sides. Exhausted, Dean had fallen asleep. Castiel straightened up, stroke Dean’s cheek softly and tucked him in. He took Dean’s hand in his and watched over him.

Dean’s eyes opened. How much time had he slept? He couldn’t tell. The light in the room was the same, Castiel was the same, sitting by the bed, holding his hand. Cas. The only true constant in his life. Cas. Castiel, looking at Dean waking up, didn’t go for his usual 'Hello, Dean.' He couldn’t anymore. Every 'Hello, Dean' would feel like it was the very last one, as if it could provoke Dean’s end. Instead, Castiel smiled at Dean. Dean smiled back and gave Castiel’s hand a little squeeze. Looking into his angel’s blue eyes, he felt his heart grow in size, his breath hitch. “Hello, Cas.” Castiel smiled even more. “Hi. Did you sleep well?” “I dreamed you were holding my hand everywhere we went.” “We’re not going anywhere, but it is not a dream, I am holding your hand. I’m not letting you go.” “It felt nice in my dreams.” Castiel stroke Dean’s hand with his thumb. “It feels nice right here.” “We should go somewhere.” “What?” “We should go somewhere. I’d like to be with Baby again, ride in her.” “You can’t drive.” “You can.” “You never let me drive her.” “Soon I won’t be around to keep anyone from driving her. Hell, I even taught Jack to drive with her. So, you know, of course you can drive her.”

On the front seat was Dean wrapped in blankets, buckled up tight so he didn’t have to spend too much energy sitting up. Castiel was at the wheel. Sam was leaning on his arms into the window, asking where they were going and how long. Castiel didn’t know. Dean didn’t know. “For a drive.” was the only answer. Sam made sure Castiel had his phone and wished them a good afternoon.

Castiel kept his eyes on the road. Now and then, he’d glance to see if Dean was still awake. Invariably, he’d see him leaning against the door, not unlike a human burrito in all his blankets, his eyes half closed against the sun, a soft smile on his face. Sometimes Dean would close his eyes and breathe deeply as he listened to Baby’s engine as if it were the only music he’d ever cared for, and then he’d open his eyes again, looking at the scenery through his eyelashes.

Castiel wondered how far they’d go like this. Not that he minded going to the ends of the Earth with Dean. And he liked driving Baby, he realized. He turned to look at Dean again and saw a flash of green staring at him contently. He looked like he had been staring for a while. “Cas, do you think you can drive with one hand?” Castiel didn’t know what to make of that question. “Um…” “Cas…” Castiel saw Dean undo his blankets, lean a bit closer and offer his hand. “I’m tired, Cas.” Castiel took Dean’s hand in his. Dean looked down at their hands, his eyes drooping. He unbuckled himself and scooted closer, and he laid his head on Castiel’s shoulder. He interlaced their fingers. The touch of Cas. The smell of Cas. The low rumble of Baby. He fell asleep with a smile.

Dean woke up in a hotel room at the crack of dawn. The weight on his chest… Cas’ arm. His left side being warmer than his right side… Cas is… Oh. Cas is lying against him, holding him. “Dean…” “Hello, Cas.” Dean closed his eyes as he moved to hold Castiel closer. He almost fell back to sleep. “Did you sleep well?” Dean opened his eyes again. “Better than in a long time.” Dean turned his head to rest his cheek against Castiel’s forehead. “If I’d known I’d sleep so good with you by my side, I think I’d have done it sooner.” Dean closed his eyes, and turned his head a little more to brush his lips against Castiel’s forehead. He absentmindedly gave him a little kiss.

Castiel shifted a little and looked up at Dean. They stayed like this, lost in the green, lost in the blue. In that very moment, Dean had no concept of the bad luck that had befallen him. There was no curse from the entity from The Empty. There was no having lost so many people over the years, there were no epic battles against demons and angels. In that very moment, all of Dean’s universe was Castiel’s eyes and Castiel’s touch. Dean, without even thinking about it, cupped Castiel’s cheek. With his thumb, he stoked his eyebrow and trailed down his cheek to his jaw. He slid his hand to the back of Castiel’s head and played in his hair.

Dean suddenly stopped, his eyes wide. “Wait. How did we get here? Last thing I remember, I was falling asleep in the car.” Castiel smiled. “I kept driving, seeing you slept so soundly. As the sun started to go down, I spotted a lake nearby. I carried you by the lake and sat us on the shore, holding you close so you wouldn’t fall. I thought, if you’d wake up and see the sunset, you’d like it. Then night fell and there were so many stars it was beautiful. I thought, maybe you’ll wake up and see the stars. At some point, I couldn’t keep you warm enough, so I found this little hotel and got us a room. I did my best to keep you warm. You don’t seem so bad.” Dean thought for a moment. “You mean… You took me on a date and I slept through it?” Castiel was confused. “Is that what a date is?” Dean laughed softly. He started playing in Castiel’s hair again. “And a good one, too. I’m sorry I slept through it.” “It’s alright, Dean. You can’t help it. And, I saw you smile a few times in your sleep. You never smiled in your sleep.”

Even if Dean knew Castiel had watched him sleep often, so often, it dawned on him that Castiel didn’t do that with anyone else. Since the very beginning, Castiel had watched over him, making sure Dean is alright. Maybe Castiel didn’t know human emotions at first, but his care for him was already present, very present. He always came when he called. He even came when he didn’t really call, but just… thought of calling. Dean had been demanding sometimes, and Castiel had been very busy with angel wars, but Castiel had come and helped Dean. Dean realized that even if Castiel had been grumpy or even angry at him sometimes, he never felt Castiel would stop being his friend, ever. And then he realized how stupid it is to use the word 'friend' when you’re holding each other, in a bed, looking into each other’s eyes, playing in his hair. Dean thought about the things he’d done without thinking about them – holding on to Castiel, holding his hand, that little kiss he just gave him, being calm whenever he felt Castiel close to him. And Castiel never shying away, always welcoming every one of Dean’s touches, sometimes giving him what he needs before he even knows he needs it.

“Cas…” “Yes, Dean.” “Do you…” He couldn’t say it. Love. He just can’t say it. If Castiel said no, he’d die, for real, right here, right now. Castiel squinted a little. What was it that Dean wanted to know? “Do I what, Dean?” Dean was stuck. It all seemed ridiculous. Here they were, in each other’s arms. But, then again, Castiel always did exactly what Dean wanted or needed, nothing more. He responded to Dean, but did anything come from Castiel himself? Did Castiel want any of this? Dean’s head started spinning with questions, doubts, fear. He let go of Castiel and shifted on his back, looking at the ceiling, sighing.“

“Dean, what’s wrong?” Castiel propped himself on his elbow, looking down at Dean. “Dean. What’s wrong?” Dean passed his hand in his own hair, looked up at Castiel. His question came soft, almost a whisper. “Why do you do all this anyway?” Castiel cocked his head. “All this what?” Dean gestured vaguely, looking about the room. “This. All of this. Everything you do, everything you did. Like, watching me sleep. Or, I don’t know, running complicated errands to get stuff for us. Or… You know, all the things you did. Every time you came when I called. You know. Everything.” “You ask me why do I do all of it?” Dean looked intensely at the wallpaper. “Yes…”

Castiel took a moment, looking into Dean’s eyes until Dean looked back into his. “I love you, Dean. Always have.” Dean seemed surprised. “Since we first met? But I stabbed you.” Castiel smiled. “Before that. Since I rescued you from Hell.” Dean’s eyes were wide. “Whoa… Really?” “The angels were right when they said I was lost as soon as I laid a hand on you. I had never felt emotions like this. I was, indeed, as an angel, lost.” Dean was speechless. Tears brimmed his eyes, he didn’t know why. Castiel continued, “Everything I did, I did for you. I still do. You’re the most important thing in my eternal life.”

Dean’s vision blurred. He felt the tears rolling down. He blinked, trying to keep Castiel in focus, trying to not lose a single instant of his blue eyes looking at him. Castiel didn’t understand the tears. “Dean, are you OK?” “Yeah, I…” He grabbed Castiel by the shoulders. He didn’t pull him in, he just held on. “Dean… What’s wrong?” “Nothing, I…” Dean lifted himself up on his elbows and reached up to Castiel’s lips, but stopping right before he got to them. What was he doing? He looked at Castiel, who hadn’t moved, seemingly waiting, looking into his eyes. Castiel passed an arm around Dean’s back to help him stay up. Dean’s mind went blank. He closed the distance and pressed his lips against Castiel’s. He saw Castiel close his eyes, felt him press his lips against his, but nothing more.

Dean fell back down to the mattress. He didn’t know if he did something he should regret or not. Castiel’s voice came low. “Well, that’s new.” Dean looked up at Castiel. “New? You’ve kissed before. You even…” He couldn’t bring himself to say it. Castiel laid back down by Dean’s side, took Dean’s hand in his. “It’s new because I thought my heart would explode. It’s a strange effect.” “But did you like it?” “Yes, it’s strangely pleasant.” “Do you want to try it again?” “Yes.”

The first kisses were soft. Dean’s head was spinning so much, he felt he’d never kissed anyone before Castiel. Sometimes they’d stop mid-kiss, their mouths still open, catching their breath. ”Dean?” “Yes, Cas?” “Is my heart really going to explode for real? It’s beating really too fast.” Dean chuckled. “Don’t worry. Mine exploded a couple times already.” Castiel opened his eyes in horror. “How…?” Dean laughed. “It’s a manner of speech. Hahaha… God I love you, you’re the best.”

Dean froze. He said it. He told the words to Cas. He started to panic, but Castiel had already his lips on his, kissing him harder. He felt Castiel’s hands in his back, gripping at him. Soon all that mattered was Castiel’s mouth, his tongue against his, hearing their breaths hitch, a low moan escape from… who, he couldn’t tell. Dean’s lips got numb from kissing, but his longing for Castiel just made him kiss him harder, slower, longer.

Dean woke up in his bed in the bunker. Opening his eyes, he saw Sam sitting by the bed. Only Sam. As a reflex, he tried to sit up, panicking. “Where’s Cas?” Sam put his hands up. “Hey, it’s fine, he just left two minutes cause Rowena wanted to talk to him.” Castiel appeared, having visibly ran to the bedroom. “Dean!” He went around the bed, ignoring Sam. He sat by Dean, taking his hand. “I’m sorry. Rowena wanted to tell me something, and…” Dean put his other hand on Castiel’s. “It’s OK.” “But I promised you…” “It’s OK. I’m sorry I panicked.” Castiel bent down, kissed Dean’s forehead. Dean closed his eyes. Castiel kissed Dean’s lips, softly. Dean kissed him back. “So I guess it wasn’t a dream, then.” Castiel cocked his head. “What wasn’t a dream?” “The car ride, the hotel room…” They heard Sam clearing his throat. It didn’t seem to register with them. Castiel answered, “No, it wasn’t a dream. You just fell asleep in the middle of…” They heard Sam really, really clear his throat behind them. “Um, guys, I’ll just…” Sam stood up. Castiel turned to Sam and stood up. “No, you stay, Rowena’s not done with me.” He turned to Dean. “I’ll be right back.” Dean smiled. “Hey, I’m not going anywhere.” Castiel pursed his lips, not laughing at Dean’s joke. Dean looked fondly at Castiel. “Hey, love you.” Castiel’s expression softened. “Love you too.” And he left.

Sam sat back on the chair, looking at his brother who was smiling stupid to himself. Sam couldn’t help but smile, too. “So, you two, uh?” “Yup. Who’d have thought!” Sam chuckled. Dean turned to him. “What?” “Well, Dean, come on. You guys have been into each other for… well, forever it seems.” “You’re kidding me.” Sam only laughed softly. “I’m happy for you two.” “Thanks. I’m happy too.” Dean’s smile faded. “It’s just… the timing…” Sam’s smile faded, too. “I know. But, you know, at least…” “Yeah.”

“So when did Cas bring me back here?” “Um, three days ago.” “THREE DAYS?” “Yeah. It’s the longest you’ve slept so far.” Both brothers got lost in their thoughts. They knew that meant the curse was progressing. Dean broke the silence. “And I’m awake less time each time.” “How long were you awake last time?” Dean rearranged his blankets, thinking. “Well, the ride in Baby, I was awake maybe three hours. Then I slept for about 14 hours. Then I was awake for maybe one hour, and then – he gestured to the room – slept for three days.” “Fuck.” “Yeah." Dean scoffed. "Actually, no.” “What?” “I’m too tired, I can’t.” It took a moment for Sam to make the connection. “Really, Dean? You’re really telling me that? Seriously?” Dean chuckled. He added, more to himself, “Cas probably doesn’t even know how with a guy anyway.” Sam leaned in a little. “And you, do you?” Dean looked at him sideways, a smirk lifting his lips. Sam threw his arms in the air. “Shouldn’t have asked!” Dean chuckled.

Rowena came in with Castiel. Castiel sat by Dean on the bed, their hands finding each other. Castiel looked into Dean’s eyes. “Dean, Rowena has an important message.” Sam got up and offered his chair to Rowena, and stood by the bed. Rowena looked at each man in turn before speaking. “I’ve been keeping in touch with Death and a couple more people, to try and see if the entity from The Empty changed its mind. As it turns out, it seems the entity is waiting for Dean and so it’s been awake the whole time. And it hates being awake.” Castiel added, “Oh yes. It really does.” Rowena nodded. “Yes. And so it’s gone out of patience and it seems it’s going to claim you sooner than later.” Dean’s brow furrowed. “How soon?” “Yeah, well, that’s the thing. Really, really soon.” “Rowena.” “Tonight.”

The news dropped like a bomb. Castiel felt his hand squeezed so hard he winced but didn’t move. He turned to Dean, whose face was already wet with tears, his eyes wide in despair. Sam walked to the door. “I’ll get Jack.”

When Sam got back with Jack, Dean was sitting up, holding Castiel, his face buried in his shoulder. Rowena was still sitting on the chair, her head down, hands folded in her lap. She looked up at Jack. “Jack…” “Yeah, I know, Sam told me.” Dean, hearing Jack’s voice, let go of Castiel. He looked up and extended his hand. “Come here, kid.” Castiel got up and went to the foot of the bed. Dean took Jack in a hug. “You take care of them, alright?” “Yes…” “And of yourself. OK?” “Yes.” Dean patted Jack on the back, broke the hug. He looked at him, patted his shoulder. “Alright.”

“Hello, Dean.” Billie – Death – stood in the doorway. Dean looked at her, eyes wide. “What? Rowena said ‘tonight’, aren’t you early?” Billie walked in as she answered, “We are officially at night, now.” “But…” “Dean, I’ll let you say your goodbyes, but I have my orders. Sorry.” Dean turned to Sam, whose face was red, tears rolling down his cheeks. Dean opened his arms. Sam sat on the bed and took his brother in almost violently. They held each other for a moment, immobile. It seemed they almost had stopped breathing. “Come on, Sammy…” “No.” “You’ll be alright. Come on.” Dean broke the hug, took his brother’s face in his hands. “I’m proud of you, Sam. You’ve become a great man. I’ve always been proud of you.” “Me too.” Dean pulled him in again shortly. They finally let go, and Sam stood up and walked out of the way.

“Rowena.” Rowena went to Dean, gave him a hug. She was so small in Dean’s arms, in spite of him being but a shadow of his former self. “Well look at me, I’m crying too. For a Winchester!”, she laughed, sobbing, trying to brush off the horror of the overwhelming emotions that come with loving people again, and losing them. “I did everything I could, Dean, I swear.” “I know, I know.” Rowena broke the hug, looked at Dean and stood up to go back by the chair.

Dean turned to Castiel, still standing at the foot of the bed. “Cas, help me stand.” “But you’re too weak.” “Cas, come on. Help me. If I’m going, I’m going standing. Not like a bedridden wuss.” He shook his hand in Castiel’s direction. Castiel helped Dean out of bed and held him up. “Alright, Billie. But before you take me, tell me, what will happen with me?” “Part of your self will be scattered throughout the universe of every dimension. Part of your self will be in The Empty.” “Wow, no chance of coming back at all, then.” “No. Not this time.” “Alright.” “Are you ready?” “No, but do I have a choice?” “Not this time, no.” “Let’s go then.”

Dean turned to Castiel, and, losing himself in his blue eyes one last time, kissed him, leaning his body into Castiel, Castiel holding him tight. It was a long, silent, soft kiss. Dean stood there a moment more, his forehead on Castiel’s. In barely a whisper, he said, “Cas, never forget I love you.” “Never,” came the answer, more calm than both thought possible. “And I love you too.” Dean closed his eyes against fresh tears, kissed Castiel one last time, trying to imprint the taste of his lips in his mind for eternity.

Dean finally let go of Castiel and started walking towards Death. But Castiel still held his hand. Dean turned around. “Cas, you gotta let me go.” Billie and Castiel exchanged a look. Dean caught it. He asked Billie, “What’s going on?” Billie nodded towards Castiel, saying, “We have an agreement.” Dean turned to Castiel. Castiel stepped in closer to Dean. “I’ll go with you.”

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