#but then today people who literally live in the same place are posting their full on purple green beautiful sky photos???

[jakeperalta]

how did the entire world see the northern lights last night except me

[theragethatisdesire]

aot men as dads - headcanon!! some 18+!!

includes: eren, jean, reiner, & levi

i'm still working on some full-fledged one-shots and parts of my series', but i'm nannying for the summer and have BABY FEVER. please enjoy my little headcanons of my fav aot men as dads <3

DISCLAIMER: some of this post contains MATURE CONTENT that is intended only for those over 18. if you are a minor, please do not read below the cut.

Eren

ok but eren is such a cringe dad lol

buys himself all of the #1 Dad! merch. he’s got mugs, tshirts, hats, all of it, and all of it went on his credit card.

10000% a girl dad. loves all the little dresses and bows; he puts your daughter’s hair in its first bun, nearly tears up when she points at his matching hairstyle and babbles “like da-da!”

you have to parent eren as much as the children. when you turn the corner into the living room where he’s supposed to be having “quiet time” with your toddler only to find that they’re buried in a pillow fort and eren’s signed his own name in crayon on the wall next to your daughter’s scribblings. “babe, we can just repaint it! she’s being creative.”

loves when you’re pregnant. after your first, eren keeps a calendar on the wall marking off the days until it’s safe for him to fuck you again, fuck a baby right back into you. already has a breeding kink before your first. develops a lactation kink after.

TERRIFIED (and i mean terrified) of hurting your little angel. has absolutely zero concept of “cry it out”; if he hears his baby crying, he’s sprinting into the next room, kissing a nonexistent boo-boo.

refuses to admit it but he has no backbone when it comes to your daughter wanting literally anything. she wants it, she gets it.

favorite thing in the world is matching outfits. favorite. “babe, where’s her green hoodie? i’m wearing mine today for the park!” “of course it matters, we have to match! on that note, where’s yours?”

lets your daughter use his hair to learn how to braid. usually has a few pink hair ties or glittery clips sticking out of it when you come home from a mom’s night out.

really big on your baby getting to see the world. drags you on vacation to any place he can think of, even as you try to explain to him that she can’t form any long term memories yet. “but baby, she’ll have pictures. how many kids in her class can bring a picture of them at the eiffel tower to their first show-and-tell?”

accidentally ruins santa and the tooth fairy for your daughter. cries harder than she does over it.

aggressively vets babysitters. ends up settling for a nursing student in the labor & delivery school who’s the oldest of seven children and probably more knowledgeable about child development than both of you combined, but he’s still suspicious.

wants to watch while you push, watch his baby come into the world. you’ve never seen a sweeter sight than eren in his scrubs, crying while holding your baby girl.

Jean

most people picture eren as being the roughhousing dad, but it’s jean, and i will die on this hill.

freaks out every time he drops your first boy while throwing him around like a ragdoll, but he’ll never stop because “listen!! he’s laughing!”. when it comes to the rest of them, he’s experienced enough now to tell the difference between a real booboo and an imagined one, and he simply brushes their little pants off caringly before shouting “now you tackle me!”

jean’s got no gender preference for your first, or the rest of your little brood for that matter. he raises them exactly the same, regardless: tough.

it takes him awhile to get used to the concept of babies’ minds. you’ve walked in on him having full-blown arguments with your shrieking toddlers several times. “what’s not making sense? if you let your goldfish ‘swim’ in the toilet, it dies, simple as that.”

plays “bad cop” for you because you’re terrible at it, but he’s always having to turn around and snicker into his elbow in the middle of scolding because your babies get the same little throbbing forehead vein as you when they’re mad

wants a big family, and gets it. you practically have to drag him to get his balls snipped after your fourth, him reminding you that “it’s reversible!” the entire way there.

the newborn phase is his favorite. he’s rarely home for any longer than ten minutes without scooping your most recent addition into his arms, squishing their little cheeks and marveling at their gurgling noises.

the kids never give him anxiety, but when you’re pregnant??? jean’s a wreck.

“do your feet still hurt, love?” “what do you mean you have indigestion? that could be the baby coming!” “of course we can’t have sex, what if we poke its little head?”

definitely the dad that’s got a delivery bag and a backup bag and an emergency third backup of the backup bag in his car at all times. the first week of your third trimester, he starts watching you suspiciously for any signs of labor, even though this is your fourth together. you think you’ve got it down by now, you tell him, but he won’t listen.

always gets the kids to work together on little surprises for you. every mother’s day they wake you up with breakfast, every valentines day your dining room table is covered in handmade cards, every birthday your kitchen is coated in flour from jean and four little ones attempting to bake

SO HARD to drag him out for a date night. he wants to bring them everywhere: the fancy restaurant, the couples' get away trip

jean's that dad standing in the bar, watching the game, beer in hand, with an occupied baby carrier strapped to his chest

wants to watch during delivery, but he passed out the first go-round, so now he’s content standing up by your head, trying not to turn white as you squeeze his hand hard enough to break.

talks you into just one more on your fourth’s second birthday. “they’re all so big now. don’t you miss it, babe? my baby in your belly? c’mon…” turns out he reversed that vasectomy without telling you

Reiner

another girl dad. hardcore girl dad.

buys his little princess all number of dresses and barbies, is confused when she’s more interested in the baseballs her classmates have.

accidentally raises the most tomboyish, toughest little girl. still babies her, and she hates it.

cries more than you do on your first date night out when you leave her with your mom. forgets to order his entree at the restaurant because he’s watching the baby monitor app on his phone.

definitely the best at splitting baby duties with you. reiner’s up before you most nights when she wakes, grabbing a bottle and cooing at her lovingly even as she screams. you always try to stay awake to watch him on the baby monitor, though, heart melting as his massive arms rock the tiny bundle back to sleep.

all the neighborhood kids love him because of his size. at every cookout, reiner can’t help on the grill because he’s buried in the grass in a little army of toddlers, led by your daughter, shrieking with joy.

always taking pictures. literally always. unflattering ones when you fall asleep breastfeeding, candids at the zoo, eighteen identical pictures of the lock of hair from her first haircut clogging up his camera roll.

can’t be the bad cop. literally ever. he just can’t say no to his little princess, can’t break her precious little heart by telling her that throwing her food onto the floor is bad.

takes your daughter to mommy & me classes with him

DILF DILF DILF. all the moms in the classes swoon over him and gossip about him when he’s not there; much to your annoyance, reiner never notices, insisting that they’re his “mommy friends”.

always sporting a little bit of glitter on his face or a sticker on his back from your daughter

coming from a fatherless background, reiner nearly kills himself trying to be a constant presence in your daughter’s life (you have to remind him that he has to rest too)

never misses an open house night at school, even if it nearly gets him fired. coaches all of her sports teams. literally almost cries when she makes her first soccer goal. actually does cry when she tells you the boy sitting beside her in class called her his girlfriend. full-blown breakdown on her first day of school, so bad he has to stay home from work.

the absolute BEST through your pregnancy and delivery. always cooking your craving of the week, constant foot and back rubs, stays up all night with you for the three days before the birth when you’re just too swollen and miserable to sleep.

holds your hand through the entire delivery, gets in the doctors’ way when they’re performing checkups because “i’m her father, i need to know what’s going on”

Levi

levi never pictured himself as having children, but when your little surprise arrives, blinking up at levi with his own grey, owlish eyes, levi can’t believe he hadn’t thought of it sooner.

very easily irritated with anyone asking questions about your home life.

when his coworkers ask for your newborn’s name, levi simply says “child.” are you two trying again? “why the fuck do you need to know?”

super overprotective. your baby waves at someone in the supermarket, and levi’s leaning down to explain (in words your eight-month-old can’t yet understand) stranger danger.

totally one of those parents that goes half-crazy trying to get their child into the top-notch, snobby preschool in town.

“we’re not wasting his intelligence on the public school”

levi grew up with basically nothing, so he goes all out buying the best baby products on the market. $2,500 strollers, researching “best baby toys for development”, the whole nine yards.

100% spends months trying to get your child to make a game out of picking up his own toys after playtime, but it never works.

has a meal plan for your child to “optimize nutrition” that you have to sneak around to give your baby little chocolates and junk snacks.

“why are there pringles in his playtime bag? they have no nutritional value.”

vets anyone that comes around your child, even other children. “no more playtime with that evan kid. he’s always got a cold or something.”

he’s always been a light sleeper, but once you have your child, levi snores beside them watching kids’ cartoons on the tv like you’ve never seen him, even drooling as his head lolls, arm tucked tight around your little one.

learned everything he could about labor and delivery beforehand

you almost killed him in the delivery room as he explained each medical detail of your labor symptoms to “reassure” you. he finally got the hint when you threatened to decapitate him.

he thinks it’s shameful, but watching you be a mother turns. him. on. 

wants to take you right there when he catches you breastfeeding, watches you read a bedtime story, spin your child around laughing. you’re just so naturally good at it and it makes him love you all the more, all that love going straight between his legs.

[aledethanlast]

I want to clarify something about my Lawyer!Andrew post:

Andrew is not doing this to impress people. In fact he actively doesn't want to impress people. He is done being a superman who holds everyone's lives in his hands. It's not good for his mental health when he's doing it and it's not good for anyone when that he fails, because the law is too big and some of these fuckers are just legitimately dumber and more guilty than his literal murderous mafia husband.

Anyways. Andrew wakes up in the morning, goes to his closet and shoves aside the 15k dollar Armani suits so he can put on the two piece he got at Macy's (then tailored to fit, cause he still has standards), and a matching tie.

He goes to the office. Brad asks him if he heard about the latest draft picks. Andrew stares him down until Brad goes to Andrew's desk and drops a quarter in the "Asking Andrew about Exy" jar. Andrew's coworkers seem to think that he's gonna buy the office a Foosball table with the jar money. They are wrong. It is for a new cat tower. Also, no Andrew hasn't seen it, but he got the rundown from Neil and Kevin, so he knows enough to tell Brad not to bother with a season pass for the Sealions this year.

He has two cases to deal with today. The first is a vehicular manslaughter charge. The client is pleading self defense, and that the victim was a stalker. Andrew likes her because, despite bursting into tears every time they have a trial prep session, she actually listens to instructions and knows when to shut the fuck up. He's confident.

The second is grand larceny. The guy is so super incredibly guilty but Brad gave him this case because he knows Andrew loves police misconduct cases and this one is just so full of protocol breaches that Andrew only had to show Neil the file for him to burst out laughing.

Janet says he has a call waiting. Janet is the highest paid paralegal in the county, because she also filters his celebrity mail. Technically Neil's pr firm still represents him, but Janet knows to turn down the DA's gala invitations without needing to argue with him.

He picks up the phone. It's the DA. The man invites him to the police gala because he knows Andrew ignored the emails. Andrew assumes the man was banking on Andrew giving a polite refusal he can wheedle or harangue into compliance. The man is new to the job, so Andrew will forgive this embarrassing miscalculation.

They spend the next hour discussing court dates for a certain case. Andrew's client for that one is disabled and only has partial aid, and he won't let them set court dates that they know she won't be able to attend. The DA, despite his embarrassing naivate, seems to be on the same page in this regard, so hopefully this will go well when they bring the matter to the judge.

In the span of this phone call, two of Brad's clients come into the office, and within five minutes of walking in are made to contribute to the jar. They don't get their questions answered, because he's on the phone, and they're not Brad.

He has court tomorrow. Court is annoying, because it's a room full of strangers who hear his name and forget why he's there, and he's not allowed to bring the jar. Court is a chore, because he has to walk people through their own idiocy, and then occasionally convince the room of just how stupid or brilliant it actually was.

Court is also, maybe, just a teensy bit fun, because whatever the stereotype of a lawyer is, Andrew really isn't it, and that makes people take him a lot less seriously until he starts quoting their words back to them faster than the stenographer.

(Janet also filters job offers. They tend to crop up every few months.)

(It used to be more fun, back in the early days when Neil would sit in sometimes, until he remembered just how horrifically boring the whole thing is. But that's fine. Andrew is happy having his own thing.)

But really, court is easy. It's a place where your word has weight, where promises are binding, and when everything is going to shit, nobody looks at Andrew like he's the freak for keeping his head.

[rin-and-jade]

Home Sweet Home..! : A Post about Your Inner-world.

That's right, it is no other than your own comfortable place to rejuvenate and meet your beloved parts.. We all want to access the inner-world as sometimes, the outside world can be daunting, right?

Come and take a seat on this imaginary, velvet textured, freshly imported sofa, i'll tell you what's this about:

to each and every one of those who yearns to visit its own mental home, this post is for you! And also for those who are front-stuck, or wanted to see--and build its world as a better place. This is also a well-rounded discussion regarding today's topic for those seeking general information on worlds.

TLDR PASS: AVAILABLE

-- This post will be long, and be split into three different sections, 1. The Basics 2. How to create a World 3. Ways to access your World So, make sure you sit somewhere comfy before reading. --

1. The Basics

Okay, but why is it called "inner" world?

Well, in general it constitutes things around emotions, sensations, memories, or other intangible things. There is no defined meaning for the inside world, as everyone experience them differently:

"The Inner World is full of choices wherein we choose what we want to do and what not, our emotions, expectations, our perception of things, expression of our attitude, our inner thoughts and our self-concept." - LinkedIn

Though for systems, our usage for the inner-world is similar to daydreaming, or in another name, mental visualization.

This is as to how the mental mindscape is used to express different part's thoughts or feelings, and also develop a sense of appearance which is often disconnected from the biological appearance for better expression and sense of cohesion/alignment for each alters.

Hm.. does everyone have one?

If you're asking wether all system has this mindscape by default? No.

Apparently, there is a common belief where all systems have inner-worlds, but thats due to the expectations of what a system "normally" has or do. Everyone manifests their own disorders differently, there is no right or wrong way, or things that makes you more or less of a system through this topic.

How should i use my world, though?

There's more than one way to use or interpret how it is utilized. Inner-worlds isn't only about imagination,, in fact, it is a mental palace where all internal processes like processing feelings, generate thoughts, or where you also create an artificial interpretation of the outer world for a better perception.

Inner-worlds are also made of literal and symbolic elements. Both shapes how your inner-world looks like, or work like.

Some utilized the mind's world through a storyline or a simulation to navigate it's experiences, some focus on world building to portray how they perceive its own life or state, and others express mainly through feelings or inner monologue without spending time and effort to create a visualized mental world scape. Anyone can do a little bit of those, or all at the same time too, this is about how the world is utilized.

Here are some examples:

Use it as a meeting spot for better communication and identify other speakers easier

Use the imagination to explore how every alters feel with their identity, appearance, and preferences

Use it to depict your state of mind through the areas of your innerworld, that can represent values or beliefs or emotional experiences Your world can be as simple or complex as you want--go wild!

Do i need a world?

It depends on what you want to do. This isn't a yes or no answer, but i would always recommend people to spend more time creating its own mental world to create a stronger gateaway for system communication and self expression.

You can still live a good system life without having or accessing the inner-world often, you know?

But i can't see internally!

Aphantasia is a condition where you cannot imagine mental images--or keep them clear for long periods, lack of color or foggy lines can also indicate a lesser degree of the condition. For this remedy, step back and remember--your mental senses isn't bound to images only, what about vibes? Or tactile sensations? Utilize your other senses to good use, it's still possible. The mindscape is all about memorization and familiarity, you can still navigate the world, although blind, because of this.

2. How to create a World

Before we get into the steps, here is a reminder that mental sensations are reflected from real-life sensations you remember.

For example, think how you can recall that one moment with your favorite food: you can remember how warm it felt, what the texture is like, what layers of flavor it has.

The innerworld works the same too, by reliving or replicating that same detail, projecting it again within the mind's eye.

--

First phase - starting from scratch

For those who hadn't started, the area would look bland or devoid, interpretation can differ greatly for others. Take this moment to think momentarily, and select a theme or vibe you're going for, example: a house if you want to make it the world feel homey / comfortable.

Start from how big you want the floor to be, how tall the walls are, what about the color or pattern? Would you like a plank or a ceramic tile? How much of natural light do you prefer, that can answer how many windows you want to map out later.

Then the furnitures, invoke whatever you want--the perfect fluffy sofa you wish to sleep on, or that huge circular stairway you often see in the movies. Feel them, touch them as if you're currently on it,, things might look foggy at first, which is normal for developing a new item you wish to add.

Tip: laying a groundwork with the 3d interior maker or a sketch (either paper or digitally) can help you plan and visualize better when this first phase is challenging for you to finish mentally from scratch.

Second phase - getting more personal

Now that you've laid the foundation, practice recalling them and remember every crook and cranny of each rooms or paths you have mapped out even more. This will help the ease of visualization whenever you want to access your innerworld, needing minimal strain to immerse fully in your own mind.

Resuming from your previous progress, its time to add your own personal touches (for each alters)! What kind of items or belongings would you want to own? Do you like a specific decor theme? It's best to start with the things you had seen/touched due to the reason explained previously.

When you're confident and had memorized how the main place, try branching off by adding the external background. (E.g. city scenery/forest/mystical). You can even make them as floating islands, there is no bounds to this.

Tip: its best to write out what each alter likes and their preference to personalize their room/area better while also keeping track of any details of the mindscape.

Third phase - room for expansion

This is where you often stumble into uncharted areas in your world, often discovering them without proper visualization. These often get created from qualities / states that you have internalized on the outer world, they can even represent different parts of your own perception (for example, you stumble into a cemetery, where you associate dormant alters resting at) or wellbeing (for example, the weather changes depending on your mood or stress levels). Often times you'll meet interactive elements--or already did so in the earlier phases.

Expanding an area usually means it is built within a different border, separated from your main area and often has a 'transition tunnel' to access the new area. This can be expressed through magical doors, portals, teleportation, or walking. You can also redo phase one and two to expand more areas as you wish, and connect them through a transition tunnel.

As the conclusion, this phase is done through introspection, through deciphering your own well-being. This is because your innerworld is a subconscious reflection of how your mental and emotional state, and vice versa. This can also manifest in ways like designated areas or interactive elements from the world.

Tip: let your mind wander around freely. Your expectation and prediction kills abstract creativity, which your mind is designed for. This can sometimes happen when you least expected it, don't use this as a time to rush, go slow!

3. Ways to access your World

Behind the scenes

Every system processes, including your world, happens in rest mode-- this is because our brains operate through sets of programs/functions that transitions depending on demands.

There are many sets your brain operates in, but for the sake of simplicity i will educate you on the necessary ones:

DMN - activates when relaxing, exploring creativity, or performing low cognitive tasks. You don't process a lot on this state, and usually related with creative thinking moments.

Do you know why you get creative solutions when you're in the shower but not at the heat of the moment? The DMN does just that. Annoying, i know... i wish it came earlier and not when the argument is over.

VAN - activates when exposed to threats, or sudden change of stimuli. This mode is mainly tasked in selective attention, focusing on what is deemed important depending on your values. Operates in fright factors

Suddenly jerked your head to the falling sound of a plastic cup from the other room whilst focusing on your activity? VAN is the culprit, sudden yells or getting your name called also counts.

CEN - activates your directed focus and controls how long you commit to a task. It is responsible for cognitive demanding tasks that requires problem solving or decision making. You are in a state of action or processing, which is the opposite of rest.

Like how time passed without your awareness, or when you ponder less while committing all your attention to that one difficult combo you have to pull of in the game because you can't risk any distractions or disturbances until you absolutely made it to the next level after the 11th try? Now that's a CEN for you.

--

Now that you're all on the same page, time to get into the details:

The only way to access your world is to look inwards -> inwards mean you engage with thoughts and images -> thoughts and images usually pop when you're calm and not distracted -> a calm state is achieved in a safe place or non-busy environments.

So if you ever thought of being busy, or feeling stressed makes talking to your alters more difficult, you're not making that up! That's exactly what your brain modes are doing even if you are never aware of it.

Tips to facilitate better communication & access

Find videos or songs that promotes calmness

Retreating to a less bustling room, silence is your friend

Balance your emotional state to feel more stable

Tune out any distractions if any

Focus to any subtle signs or alter thoughts you've missed

These tips help you connect to your DMN state easier, which will make it easier to retreat to your innerworld or talk to your other parts.

Now it's time to bring you to your world;

(Important. Only do this when you're calm, because the only moment you can do so, is within the DMN. It is not effective nor recommended to attempt this within high stress or busy moments, and for reasons on how frustration and added stress on not being able to retreat mentally blocks your ability even further.)

Start closing your eyes, and recall a specific place you want to be in your world, determine your position, are you sitting or standing somewhere? What are you doing inside there if you can notice? Pour all your attention as your mind creates a mental picture, which brings you to your world.

Designating a real piece of furniture or item you own in the real world and associate it as an item in your mental world would also create an easier short cut to transition between two dimensions, it can be your bed, or a chair, or even a hanged painting.

Im stuck outside for a long time, help!

This phenomenon is when you are stuck within the threat-detecting mode, as your brain thinks the danger has not passed away--and should not waste time or be vulnerable to return to DMN.

When you have been struggling to access or communicate to your alters, think back on what is keeping you anxious, paranoid, or scared, as all these negative emotions keeps you away from a calm state.

Chronic exhaustion or stress also plays a role into this. In conclusion, when you have been stuck for long periods and unable to notice system activities--or happening less often, it's time to dig deeper to the root of cause.

This post right here will help you educate and prepare solutions for your stuck troubles. Here, is another post for all about system communication.

But if you need help from an experienced person, or if the posts are just not cutting it,, you can always DM me to overcome your struggles regarding this situation, im here for you!

Takeaway - What a Tour!

(this post is subjected to tweaks and add-ons in the future)

Here's two questions to end the post: what phase are you at on your world-building progress? When is the usual time your system activity peaks at? Feel free to share your experience or questions in this post, i would love to hear what you have to say and answer any concerns you might have!

I hope this post has been worth reading, this totally took longer than it should be, thanks to @starburstsystem for helping me perfect this post for everyone within this community, give some love to the bro <3

- chrono

--

TLDR SECTION

Inner Worlds: Imaginary mental spaces used by some people, especially those with dissociative disorders, to rejuvenate and meet their alters. They vary greatly in form and function, similar to daydreaming or mental visualization.

Usage: Inner worlds can be used for communication, expressing emotions, and creating a sense of cohesion among alters. They aren't necessary for all systems but can be beneficial for those who have them.

Creating an Inner World:

Starting from Scratch: Visualize basic structures and themes, like a house with specific details (floors, walls, furniture).

Getting More Personal: Add personal touches for each alter, including their preferences and items they would like to have.

Room for Expansion: Explore and expand new areas that represent different aspects of your mental and emotional state.

Accessing the Inner World:

Use techniques like relaxing environments, calming music, and focusing on subtle signs to access the inner world.

Understand brain modes (DMN, VAN, CEN) to know why relaxation is key to accessing inner thoughts.

High stress and exhaustion can block access; addressing these issues can help regain access.

Takeaway: The inner world is a useful tool for some people to communicate and process emotions. It's personalized and can evolve with introspection and creativity.

[a-dinosaur-a-day]

Tumblr, We Need To Talk

So multiple times now, posts that I have written, completely free of any sense of anger at all, have been interpreted by folks here - not just as angry - but as malicious. It has now happened enough times that we need to address the biases at hand here.

I am three things that are relevant for this discussion: I am Jewish. I am Italian. And I am Scottish.

These are three cultures that feature "loudness" as a positive trait. What do I mean by that?

I mean arguing, debate, discussion at my home growing up was louder than a kindergarten field trip to the zoo. Louder than a metal concert's mosh pit. Louder than the conure room at a bird shelter.

I am a loud, boisterous person. That's just who I am. With those three cultural backgrounds, I can't even help it. On more than one occasion, someone has interpreted my tendency for the dramatic, my eagerness, and my enthusiasm as being "too much". In fact, it is quite a point of trauma for me, the number of times that specific rejection has occurred.

But to me, I wasn't doing anything wrong! I was acting as my family acted, as people from my culture acted, as those around me in other situations acted. In Judaism, arguing is even seen as emotion-free, because interpersonal debate is how we learn and grow. Even the most stringent and austere Jewish groups will feature a loudly arguing table of scholars in the Beit Midrash. Italian dinners are filled with singing and shouting for joy. Being Scottish means yelling at everything and then yelling at it again. This was, and is, my life. It was loud. It was emotional. It was excitement.

Online, tone indicators are even worse, with many people easily being misunderstood in a given situation. Hell, there are probably those of you reading this now who are reading a higher level of emotion and anger into my words than is actually there. That added complication has now lead to multiple occurrences of this misunderstanding.

This isn't limited to the cultures I come from, of course! The anger and excitement and enthusiasm found in Black culture has been weaponized against it for as long as racism has existed (y'all can ask @ladyraekingmaker more about that). In fact, lower class Black Women in the United States were often perceived negatively for being loud and having their private lives carried out in public (because they did not have access to private spaces). Same for different cultural norms in other places, from Persia/Iran to parts of Latin America and more.

Indeed, loudness, anger, and tone are heavily tied to how different cultures are perceived. Calmness, stoicism, and a lack of "emotionalness" is a highlight of WASPy cultures, famously - "white anglo-saxon protestant" if you're not familiar. Being more "low key" and less expressive was considered high class, being less so was low class. And that still continues today - from the snide comments of tumblr anon's and ex friends, to the literal policing of impoverished communites of color for their celebrations and community gatherings.

The perception of emotion and passion as a "bad" thing is 100% tied to white supremacy. Full stop. In fact, policing people for being "angry" at certain things was a great way to shut down discussion of many important issues, that deserved anger - things like racism, sexism, and homophobia. Anger is a good, important, and necessary emotion - and being emotional in general is a way many people use to emphasize their own points and indicate how much they care about a subject. It's necessary, and it's good. Anger, emotion, excitement, these are good things.

It is better for someone to be angry and up front with you, allowing you to learn and grow as a person, than to bullshit you and mollycoddle you into a state of complacency.

So, that means that for many people reading this, you probably never really thought of how your reaction to loud, or emotional, or dramatic, or excitable people was related to upholding social norms. That's okay! It's not a big deal! We are all born with blind spots and things we are ignorant of that we have to understand and tackle. Growing up is something we never stop doing.

But I'm not magically going to stop being excitable, loud, and emotional. And I'm not going to magically stop being myself. While in person, my tone and facial expressions would help others to at least see that I am not mad but excited; here, you're going to have to take me at my word.

If I am angry, you will know it. It will be extremely, painfully obvious. I might even explicitly say it. But the fact remains is that, every time I have gotten (frankly, condescending) anons in my inbox telling me to "calm down", I haven't been angry at all. And that is a cultural bias a lot of you have to examine in yourselves. By policing how people - not just me - on how they talk and express themselves, you are upholding white supremacy. And you need to stop.

I am too much for some people. That's okay! If I am, you are free to go. No one has to follow me. But I am not going to minimize myself just to make some people comfortable, especially when I am doing nothing wrong. And if you continue to insist that I am, you are missing the point of this post.

Stop worshiping the empty alter of stoicism, of emotionlessness, of quietude. It's not how most humans act. And it shouldn't be, because emotions exist for a reason. That reason? Is communication.

And if you're still not convinced, just get invited to a Pesach seder. Good luck with that being anything close to "calm".

~ Meig

[the-s1lly-corner]

Oooh idk if someone already asked for it but what about how TADC cast would react if they were under a mistletoe with their S/O

TADC cast x reader under the mistletoe!

i know i literally just said that i was going to post because i just came down from a little..... emotional high (negative) but i feel too guilty not answering stuff today so im probably going to answer this and a few more simply because im going to feel so guilty if i dont do anything today which is just going to make me feel worse than i already do so uhuhuhuhuh... jack stauber coming in clutch rn i know i usually answer stuff in the order of them being sent in but to do a silly compromise for my silly people pleaser mindset im going to knock out the ones that are easier for me sooooooo

CAINE:

oh you just know that hes the one who planted the mistletoe in the first place.... i mean as soon as he found out about the tradition, assuming he didnt already know.. i just know hes going to do whatever he can to get you under it. does he know that he can ask for a kiss? yes! but he wants to be festive and do some traditions and stuff! gives you the biggest "kiss" he can give you when you finally get stuck together under one... probably knocks you back a little bit from how enthusiastic he is...

POMNI:

very shy about it, i think she would give you a cheek kiss rather than a mouth kiss, especially if there are other people around. pomni doesnt strike me as the type to one to full on kiss their partner when theres an audience, so i hope you can understand her aversion! its not that she doesnt want to kiss you, shes just shy about the eyes watching the two of you... though, she would be more inclined to do it if it were just the two of you in the area!

RAGATHA:

honestly she looks like she would love christmas. i dont know why and i cant explain why. so i think she would love most of the activities and traditions surrounding it. and yes, this includes the mistletoe! i think for most of these, the mistletoe would be hung up by caine to really sell the festive mood.... and ragatha likely wouldnt have planned this, but inevitably you guys get under it at the same time. not as against PDA as some of the others, i think, so i think she would give you a very gentle kiss on your lips. very bashful if you beat her to it, though. kind of folds her hands together and digs her foot into the ground... you know the stance, hopefully.. kind of swaying a little while her face is burning up

JAX:

probably makes a big stink of it, whether trying to deny the kiss or to lean into it. i can honestly see both... does NOT let you be the one to initiate the kiss, since while he hates PDA, i think he hates it more when hes on the receiving end. say it all the time, its a vulnerability thing for him. he doesnt like other people seeing him flustered... now will a simple kiss from you make him pink in the face? probably not, but he would rather not risk it! plus, he wants to take this as a moment to tease you! will not let you live it down if you even get the slightest bit embarrassed from whatever hes going to do under that mistletoe

KINGER:

think i mentioned this in the kiss cam request, but kinger is not against giving you kisses when theres an audience. like he wont full on make out with you in front of others (ignoring the fact that he doesnt have a mouth, much less a functional one) but i am a firm believer that he and other characters with a nontraditional mouth just nuzzle into your face in place of kisses... hmm... probably make a big show of asking if he can go ahead, afterall hes royalty! whats a royal without chivalry! very gently presses where his mouth would be against your lips for a few seconds before walking you guys to where ever you were planning to go before someone stopped you and alerted you both of the mistletoe above. generally very sweet and dorky, i think

ZOOBLE:

does not like giving or receiving affection in public, the furthest they are willing to go is hand holding and simple name calling.... if no one is around when you guys are under the mistletoe, theyre more than willing to let you have your kiss, but if theres even one person around, theyre going to show a little aversion to it... on one hand i want to say that they might suck it up and lean into their "its whatever" attitude, but i dont feel... like that suits them, and on top of that whats the point if someone is clearly not having fun/not comfortable, you know? so theyre more likely to gently reject you... though i like to think that they make up for it by giving you a kiss behind closed doors!

GANGLE:

freezes like a deer in headlights when someone loudly announces that you guys stopped together under a mistletoe, the eyes of her mask going wide and her mouth just going straight... if she has her comedy mask, she might be a little less.. frozen, but not by much... but with her tragedy mask? nope, shes totally still and quiet, poor thing.... you almost feel bad, so really theres a chance you just take her away from the scene rather than kissing her.... doesnt like being put on the spot for things like that, especially if the person alerting you guys of the mistletoe is making a huge scene (either caine or jax... though with caine it would be more so lighthearted fun with no malice, whereas jax is just being jax)

[comfortcomes]

i said i would make an actual post about this and my irls are sick of me talking about it on ig i’m sure but i do think it’s really really important that people know how much abortion funds are struggling rn on both the local and national levels. after the dobbs decision in 2022 there was a huge surge in donations to ab funds and a lot of them were able to expand their budgets as a result which was amazing. but that money is gone now, it is not being replenished on anywhere near the same level, and abortion access is MUCH more expensive than it was two years ago. these funds don’t just pay for abortion procedures (the cost of which has also gone up btw), they also provide direct support for flights, gas, hotels, because for people living in half the states in the US these are now crucial factors in their ability to access reproductive healthcare. the two biggest national funds (NAF and planned parenthood) have both capped their assistance for individual callers because of the demand, which in turn puts even more strain on local funds to close that gap. so basically if you’re trying to get an abortion as a US citizen today there’s no guarantee you’ll legally be able to in your state, the procedure will be more expensive and it’ll be harder to get an appointment than it was two years ago, and despite you paying what could easily be thousands of dollars to access essential healthcare, where you could have been fully funded by NAF in 2022, these orgs are now only able to pledge 30% of your total cost. funds in my state that have monthly budgets in the tens of thousands are having to close their helplines after two hours every week because of the insane amount of need. granted i live in a state that experiences unique demand as the first access point for many people living in southern states with abortion bans, but we’re not at all unique in the inability to keep up with the amount of people seeking help.

if you gave money to your local abortion fund when dobbs dropped, i guarantee no matter where it is that fund is now overwhelmed with far more demand and much less money than they had in 2022. and abortion funds are some of the only organizations you can donate to and be absolutely certain your money is going directly to people who need it—we’re a very small org but at the last budget meeting for my local fund we literally had less than $30 allocated for anything other than abortion support the entire fiscal year. two years ago people were giving “rage donations” in anger about the future injustices that would happen when abortion bans became widespread, but those things actually ARE happening NOW and there’s a really simple way you can make a small dent in a massive national crisis and it’s by becoming a recurring donor or volunteering for the abortion fund near you. as a country we’ve decided to just accept that women don’t have the right to full bodily autonomy in half of the US but you don’t actually have to accept it, you can stop numbing yourself to the grief you experienced about the end of roe v wade and contribute materially to slowly building that right back up again. and these are the places that are doing that: https://abortionfunds.org/find-a-fund/ and they really need your money

[burningfudge]

Rogue & Carol Danvers

Rogue and Carol’s relationship has been spoken about quite a bit over the years, and a ton of people want them to meet in the MCU (me included), but I always love it when they interact just because of the DRAMA. As a Carol Danvers fan, her best moments are when she’s full of raw emotion, and there’s so much of that whenever she interacts with Rogue (ironic, I know, since Rogue absorbed her memories, powers, and emotions). I also became a Rogue fan by reading about Carol's time with the X-Men.

Their first meeting was in Avengers Annual #10, but Carol was already in a dark place due to Avengers #200 (easily the worst Marvel comic ever made), where she gave birth to a son who rapidly aged and sexually assaulted her in the same issue, leading to him becoming his own father. If that wasn't bad enough, the Avengers saw nothing wrong with it, even congratulating her on the birth of her son when Carol wasn't even pregnant a few days before. I don't know how that was ever approved by editorial. It's not the focus of this post, so I won't go into detail, but here is a fantastic post about it:

Ms. Marvel gives birth to the man who kidnapped and impregnated her - Avenger #200 AKA the worst issue in the history of the Avengers

Thankfully, Chris Claremont was rightfully outraged at Carol's treatment and took over for Avengers Annual #10, where Rogue was introduced.

Destiny had prophesied to Mystique that Carol would harm Rogue, so Mystique wanted to prevent it from happening. Therefore, Rogue took things into her own hands and got to Carol first, but due to Carol's strength, Rogue held on for too long and absorbed her powers and memories. She then threw her off the Golden Gate Bridge into the water below, but thankfully, Carol was saved by Jessica Drew, who then became a long-time confidant and best friend, although everyone knows they're girlfriends. Carol survived the attack only because she was a human-Kree hybrid. After that, Rogue attacked the Avengers the next day. Teenage Rogue was a menace, lmao. Professor X then helped Carol remember who she was, and she absolutely dragged the Avengers for letting Marcus kidnap her. It's glorious. She then left the Avengers and hung around the X-Men for a while, where she could be under Claremont's supervision and not some other trash writer.

All Ms. Marvel was—all I was—she is. And will be—forever.

Uncanny X-Men #158

What I love most about this relationship is that these two irrevocably changed each other. They would not be who they are today without each other. Rogue, literally, wouldn’t be who she is because she absorbed a part of Carol’s personality, so a part of Carol will always live within her. Plus, while Rogue can’t fly anymore, she did for a while, and that’s only because she got the ability from Carol.

Rogue's even expressed how she doesn't know which parts are her and which parts are Carol and how she believes the best parts of her are Carol. She believes that she became a hero instead of a monster due to Carol's psyche in her brain, but it's actually quite sweet that Carol later acknowledges Rogue's growth and states that she wouldn't have come as far as she did if she didn't want to change. I also like that Carol acknowledged that they will never be friends, but they've gotten to a point where they can work together. I think it’s realistic that they’re not best friends and a part of Carol will always resent Rogue, but they can work together when required.

Mr. & Mrs. X (2018) #9 | Captain Marvel (2019) #5

While Carol literally shaped Rogue, Rogue shaped Carol in a much more traumatizing way. After Rogue took Carol's powers, she was a blank state and only remembered who she was with Xavier's help; however, she didn't have the emotional connection to her memories.

Uncanny X-Men #158

She was kidnapped and experimented on by the Brood, gaining her powers back and making her more powerful than ever by becoming Binary. Binary is my second favorite Carol-era (the first is her as Ms Marvel), and she has sooo much growth. Even though she was going through a really dark time as Binary since she was struggling with her memories, rape, and both the Avengers and X-Men letting her down, Binary shaped so much of Carol's character today as she became more of a space adventurer when before, she was just on Earth.

Uncanny X-Men #164

She didn’t know who she was and didn’t feel like Carol Danvers because she had no emotional attachment to her memories, so she ran away from Earth and stayed in space. However, she eventually realized that she was running away.

Binary is when she also first got her photon blasts; she only had super strength and flight when she was Ms Marvel, and this eventually helped her become Captain Marvel.

Carol’s first photon blast!

Uncanny X-Men #164

Uncanny X-Men #171

I love this panel because both sides are absolutely correct. Rogue left the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants and went to Professor X for help because she kept hearing Carol’s voice in her head. Charles, obviously, will never turn away any mutant, and by joining the X-Men, Rogue achieved her true potential and gained a better life than she ever would have had if she stayed with Mystique. Rogue became one of the best X-Men because Charles gave her another chance.

On the other hand, even though Carol understands why Charles would take Rogue in, she feels betrayed because both the Avengers and the X-Men have discarded her feelings, so who else does she have on Earth? After this, Carol would stay in space with the Starjammers as a coping mechanism. She would later rejoin the Avengers in the late '90s, where she's dealing with fluctuating power levels, leading her to drink due to the trauma of her rape, Rogue, and fluctuating power levels. The Avengers removed her from the team due to her alcoholism and tried to help her, but she started to spiral and lash out. Plus, due to Rogue, Carol couldn't form emotional connections with friends and family on top of her trauma from her rape, so she drank even more. After a long struggle, she eventually accepted help and became sober at Iron Man's insistence, as he knew exactly what she was going through and became her Alcoholics Anonymous sponsor. It's why I've always loved Carol and Tony's friendship. All in all, it's...not a great time for her, but I found Carol's struggle with alcoholism to be complex and heartbreaking.

(Also lol, Kitty saying that she'll never like Rogue when she and Rogue are now friends.)

While Carol was dealing with her alcoholism, Rogue was going on adventures with the X-Men, exploding in popularity. Life went on, and both characters went on their own paths.

Ms. Marvel (2006) #10

For context, an alternate version of Carol arrived to kill Rogue because Rogue attacking Carol is a constant in every universe. To Rogue's credit, she has repeatedly expressed remorse for what she did and has apologized many times, but how are you supposed to get over something like that? Therefore, Carol pretended to forgive her while also harboring resentment toward her.

In this comic, Carol also recounts what Rogue did to her and says, "Rogue hurt me in a way worse than physical pain. Her attack ripped my memories out, leaving me in a blank state. I was no one. A nonperson. I was unconscious for days as Xavier telepathically reassembled my mind. Afterwards, Charles was concerned that I rest and recover properly. Not that it's the kind of thing you ever recover from. It's been years and I still feel dirty. I've changed my costume. I've changed my name to Warbird. I've done everything I can to move on, but it's never worked."

X-Men: Legacy #270

Carol eventually truly forgave Rogue and was able to work together with her. I love it when they do. And it's important to Carol that Rogue asked if she could borrow Carol's powers because she's been powerless (physically and otherwise) for some traumatic moments in her life.

Captain Marvel (2019) #49

They finally buried the hatchet recently as Rogue shared the burden of Carol's powers to save the day, as Carol would've died from the power load. I love this moment.

All of this started because Destiny foresaw a possible future, leading to Carol’s life getting ruined, which makes Carol’s actions in Civil War II all the more frustrating. During CWII, she utilized the help of a young Inhuman, Ulysses, who saw a possible future, much like Destiny, and Carol prevented horrible events from occurring. The only problem was that she sometimes went too far, handing out punishment before the crime. Carol lost everything because Rogue attacked her before she could attack Rogue as per Destiny’s vision, which hadn’t come to pass yet. I know Bendis is infamous for ignoring continuity, so I probably shouldn’t expect anything else. Maybe it can be said that hurt people, hurt people and it’s a cycle of violence, but I think that’s giving him too much credit for one of the worst Marvel events in recent history.

In the end, Rogue and Carol will always be intertwined. Carol went on a traumatic path and hit rock bottom, but she came out of it stronger than ever, while Rogue went on a path of redemption and became one of the best superheroes in the Marvel universe.

[gaslysainz]

Lost (PG10) pt.2

Summary: The world is utterly unfair. He was her most prized possession, her life, her first ever commitment of love. But to him, she was just a mere person lost in his big world.

warnings: ; unrequited feelings; Pierre is a douche , arrange marriage, angst, explicit scenes and languages.

Author's Note~ Heya guys! So a few days back I posted the first chapter of my first ever fanfic! And I'm overwhelmed by the response ❤️ Really Thanks a lot to everyone who had liked the story so far. It's just the beginning of the journey, there's a lot to come. Love You All 😘 Here's my first ever story for you guys. As soon as I finish this one, I'll start taking requests maybe! Till then please show your love and support for "LOST".

Journal Entry -2

A new episode and a new day of my life. Never in my 24 years of life have I ever thought that I would have to come across this day. This awful day when i would have to sit through a whole day in my room crying my eyes out and coming out of my room only when i'm called for causes like "Julia needs a glass of water, you need to clean Julia's dress, Julia accidentally dropped food on the floor, clean up the mess" so on and so forth. Today was the day when I had to look at the most heart wrenching thing ever...

So here's what happened 

*FLASHBACK*

I was reading a book in my room and suddenly someone knocked at my door. I opened the door and came across Pierre!

"H-hey! you need something?"

I noticed him looking inside my room at our wedding picture hanging on the wall right above my head. Obviously he'd be curious about my room cause he's never been inside my room before. I actually felt a little awkward so i cleared my throat to get his attention.

"Uh! yea actually Julia was having a headache, go and make some soup or something and bring it up to my room  along with some medicine!" There was that tone! Full of despise for me.

"Sure" By saying that i went down to the kitchen to make some soup for her.

That's what my job in this house is after all, looking after the house and the people in it. Oh! Did I mention? We do not have any maids. Cause apparently according to my husband's mistress, I'm not any different than a maid so why waste money on hiring one? Anyways, after making the soup and being satisfied with it I went towards Pierre's room and stopped once I saw something that no married or committed person should ever see. My husband was on top of my sister thrusting deep inside her and them moaning out each other's name. 

You must be thinking that what am i so shaken up about? I should've been used to this by now, Well this is the first time i'm seeing them doing it in front of my eyes. Yes i admit it that i've heard them before but seeing it live, right in front of me is a whiplash of a whole lot of negative thoughts. And what did I do in that situation? Nothing! I just closed the door silently, kept the soup and the medicine outside the room and came back to my room and cried my eyes out! Why did they have to keep the door opened? Did my husband really become so heartless? Did he really want me to see that I can never get his love? Did he really have literally shove it in my face that he belongs completely and soulfully to his mistress and I can never take her place?

Oh! and the agony! My Step sister saw me standing outside the room and smirked!

Yes she had the audacity to smirk at me....

*FLASHBACK ENDS*

I know i'm young and naive. My sister is 27 and i'm 24 years old. She's more mature than I am, sexier, prettier, and more perfect , with an hourglass figure, amazing style. But all that, with a nasty heart it seems. She can easily go out wearing anything and everything that she wants whereas I tend to gravitate towards PJ's, hoodies and oversized clothes. The only time I wear dresses are at the parties that I attend with my husband. But still, he never looks at me the same way he looks at her. She is definitely Pierre's s absolute match in all spheres. And here I am, stupid little girl crying my eyes out inside my room cause my husband is making love to my step sister. 

I, Mrs. Y/n Gasly is once again LOST!

LOST in my sister's PERFECTION!

PS - Please lemme know what do you think about LOST and also let me know if you wanna be added to the tag list ❤️

@peachiicherries @crimeshowjunkie

@oblomovissad ❤️

[partoftheband04]

The Last To Make It Home (with myself I am not so forgiving)

Word Count - 2.7k

Summary - You and Sam have been together for a while but you can't help but feel like you're falling behind and holding him back.

Warnings - None really, some angst, they're in a pub so kind of some hints at drinking.

-----------

It’s only on the third call of your name that you look up from mindlessly scrolling through your phone, the sound of your local pub drowning out the people that surround your table. The loud chatter of old men, the music playing through the speaker, the conversation between workers - it all soundtracks your internal spiral that you didn’t even notice yourself slipping into, continuously absorbing post upon post as you automatically like each one.

You raise your eyes to meet Dean’s from across the table, lifting an eyebrow at him in question. He makes a point of looking to your phone then back to your face, raising his own eyebrow as if in challenge, questioning why you’ve been attached to it all night. You heave out a sigh as you put it back into your pocket and cross your arms across your chest, letting him know you’re not happy at him for pointing it out - especially in front of Sam and the rest of your friends.

“Going to get another drink,” you mutter as you stand from your seat, not bothering to ask anyone else in your desperation to get away.

The much quieter, empty bar is a comfort for you as you finally relax, reciting your order to the bartender. Ever since Sam’s music had begun to take off everything seemed to be getting louder and louder. You’d think he couldn’t get any more popular in your small hometown, but with every song the crowd that you both surrounded yourselves with was growing exponentially - chairs dragged to your table by people he had barely spoken to once as soon as you walked through the door.

It's not that you’re not proud of him, or course you are, but you miss the simplicity of before.

Before was calm. Before was just the two of you, mindless chatter as you lay bare under bedsheets, your vulnerability a comfort. Before was your small group of close friends, no secrets and so much love between you all, your family.

Now, everything was so complicated. You felt like everyone was looking into your lives and you didn’t have the power to keep anything hidden. Everything was loud. You felt isolated from your chosen family more than ever and there was nothing you could do to stop it, because that would be selfish.

How could you deprive Sam of his dream, something he had worked so hard for.

So, you suck it up. Literally and metaphorically as you take a sip of your drink for courage and walk back towards the table. Ready for conversation. Ready for loud.

As you lower back into your seat you catch Dean’s gaze again, another lifted eyebrow in question. You chuckle under your breath and give a small nod of your head to let him know you’re fine. He seems to be catching on recently, taking extra notice of you whenever you’re both in the same place.

You feel Sam place his hand on your knee in comfort as he continues his conversation with whichever random person is talking to him now. Your lips lift into a smile, and you stare down into your drink, his thumb rubbing back and forth subconsciously.

You’ve both barely spoken to each other today. Him busy with writing and you stuck at your shift in the town’s secondary school not sure how much longer you can handle the jeering of the teenagers who think it’s funny to comment on your relationship. You spend your lunches in the staff toilet trying not to breakdown, messaging Sam to check how he’s doing.

He doesn’t reply.

You know it’s not on purpose. He phones you four hours later once you’re already back home, lying in your bed, surrounded by darkness and scrolling through your phone. He’s full of apologies as he promises to make it up to you, as if he’s done anything wrong, and all it makes you feel is worse.

You’re holding him back and you hate it.

As a literature teacher you’ve read plenty of romances in your time. You thought the love and passion you see in the books was finally in your hand, but the more time that passes you begin to believe that type of love doesn’t exist - if you can’t have it with Sam then there’s no chance of you ever having it at all. 

After you left college, you knew you didn’t want to go to university but that left you without many other options, almost forced into the career of a teacher with the limited jobs you could take. You felt comfortable taking the job with the intent of figuring out your goals and pursuing something that interested you more in the near future. And that was fine, until suddenly Sam was touring and recruited almost the entirety of your friend group as his band, and you were left alone as they lived their dreams.

You’re not even sure what your dream is.

So, years went by, and you were still stuck in shields as the rest of your friends toured the world, facetiming you whenever they saw something exciting in an attempt to make you feel included. You would smile and laugh as they ranted about everything that was happening on tour but each time a little bit of you broke inside.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. You were supposed to figure it out after the small bump in the road you were dealt and get back on your feet, but you didn’t see that possibility anymore. You weren’t destined for greatness like Sam, and you certainly aren’t worthy of the love he holds for you.

But you’re too selfish to let him go. He’s the only thing you have left but you can’t help but feel that your love isn’t enough for him. Not anymore. He could get it easily from any of the girls that go to his countless shows.

You suddenly notice the lack of presence of his hand on your knee and find that everyone is getting up to leave. He hugs Dean, Drew and all the other guys (including the people that you are sure he’s never met before) goodbye.

“You know you can phone me whenever you need to, right?” Dean says as he hugs you, making sure no one else around can hear your private conversation.

“What do you mean?” you ask, faking obliviousness in the hopes that you won’t have to explain yourself because, in truth, you wouldn’t even know where to start. 

He grabs your shoulders as he gives you a stern look and tells you, “We’ve all noticed something’s up with you, and I’m not sure what it is but everyone’s worried. Especially Sam. And if something really is wrong you should tell us, we’re a family. At the very least you should tell Sam, you know how he worries when we go away.”

You take a deep breath, willing yourself not to cry as you stare down at the floor. This whole thing seems so ridiculous, and you can’t help but feel like you’re wasting the little time that you seem to get with them now.

“Shit, Dean. I’m fine, you don’t have to worry about me. Everything just seems to be moving a bit fast recently but it’s nothing I can’t deal with myself.” You add a short laugh at the end to convince him further.

He looks at you as though he doesn’t believe you but ultimately just shakes his head as he rubs your shoulder and wishes you well as he moves to leave the pub.

You look to find Sam again and realise that everyone else has left. As you go to put on your coat ready for the walk home, Sam grabs your arm and stops you. You stare at him in confusion, but as he sits back down at the table you follow his actions without question.

“Right,” he says abruptly. “What’s going on with you then?”

The topic of conversation shocks you, not expecting him to dare bring up the distance you’ve been putting between the two of you as of late, whether intentional or not.

“Dean literally just asked me the same thing. I’m fine Sam, I don’t know what you’re both worrying about.”

You’re just trying to convince yourself at this point. It’s sad really.

“Don’t give me that bullshit. We’ve barely spoken since I’ve been back, and I know I’ve been busy, but I’ve at least tried to talk to you and keep this relationship going.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” 

You’re angry now. It’s not that you don’t want to be with Sam anymore, you don’t think you could ever not want to be with him, but you’ve been a ball of crippling insecurity recently and almost don’t see the point in trying to save a relationship that is only going to stop Sam from achieving everything that he wants to in the end.

“You’ve stopped trying! That’s what it means,” he says frustratedly. “You don’t understand how much I miss you when I leave, and to come back and still feel the same distance I did when I was four thousand miles away is quite frankly insulting.”

“You don’t need to miss me when you’ve got everyone else around you. You should be having fun and enjoying touring, not thinking about me.”

“That, quite literally, makes no fucking sense. Why would I not miss my girlfriend? We’ve been together for years and you think I’m just going to forget all about you the second I leave town?”

“I wouldn’t blame you.”

The silence after you utter those four words is palpable and you don’t have the courage to meet Sam’s eyes, terrified that he’s going to agree with you. 

He doesn’t say anything in response, but he does reach out to grab your hand. You look up as he takes your hand in his expecting anything but the concerned look you’re met with.

“You really mean that?” he sounds genuinely shocked, and you find it so difficult to understand why. You just nod your head a little, not knowing how to voice your feelings anymore after being put on the spot like this. “Put your coat on, pub’s closing soon so we need to leave anyway.”

You’ve really done it now. You’ve somehow said the wrong thing again and pushed him away even further and this time you don’t think you’re coming back from it. Once you’ve put on your coat, Sam grabs your hand again and you both leave the pub together, waving goodbye to the staff that you’ve known almost all your lives with smiles on your faces as if the conversation between the both of you hadn’t happened at all.

As you walk down the quiet streets of Shields, back towards your houses, Sam starts the conversation again.

“Have I done something to make you feel like I don’t love you anymore?” his breath is almost sucked out of him as he nearly chokes on the words, tears in his eyes. “I don’t understand what’s happened. We were fine while I was on tour. How has me coming back made everything worse?”

“You were fine when you were on tour.” 

He whips his head to you in confusion, “What?”

You sigh, knowing you won’t ever find a way out of this conversation as much as you try to find one.

“I haven’t been fine for a while Sam.” It feels good to say it. “I honestly can’t remember the last time I really felt fully okay.”

As much as you feel awful for unloading all of this onto Sam, you’re glad you’ve finally had the courage to tell him and break him out of the fantasy you’ve held onto for far too long.

He doesn’t say anything, just stares at you.

“I just feel… wrecked. I’m not myself anymore. Life has moved on so quickly since everything happened and I just feel like I’m falling so far behind. I can’t keep up with you anymore, and that’s okay, but I’m just so sick of feeling like I’m holding you back Sam. I don’t want you to go away and miss me. I’m not worth that.”

There’s a moment of silence, just your footsteps echoing as you walk. 

“You’re worth everything.”

It’s a simple statement, he says it as if it’s fact.

“Don’t do that. You can’t do that Sam, it’s not fair.”

“What do you mean ‘it isn’t fair’? It’s the truth and I honestly don’t understand how you can’t see that. I fucking worship you. You’re not holding me back.”

“I’ve seen the people you’re friends with now. I see the girls that you know, that do music, that are just as amazing as you are and that’s what you deserve. You deserve someone beautiful and talented, someone that understands you and can be there for you. You don’t deserve someone stuck in their hometown that can barely look after themselves and is stuck in the past. That isn’t fair.”

You only now realise that you’ve both stopped walking and your voice has raised to the point that you’re basically shouting.

“Sorry. I shouldn’t have shouted.”

You carry on walking.

“That’s what you’re sorry about?” he asks exasperated. “I don’t care that you’re shouting. Shout as much as you fucking want. I care that you’ve kept this from me for God knows how long. You’re meant to tell me these things! We’re supposed to work through them together.”

He’s crying now, and you feel awful for causing it but there’s no way for you to see his perspective. You’re too conditioned by the social media you haven’t stopped looking at since his career took off, you’re too in your own head.

“I don’t even know how to fix this at this point,” he says. “I don’t know you can’t see how much I adore you. You’re not falling behind, we’re just… different. We’re doing different things with our lives and that's fine. It doesn’t mean either path is less important than the other.”

“It’s not fine!” you’re properly shouting now. “I don’t want to be a teacher. I don’t want to be stuck here. I’m so sick of this place Sam, I hate it. I don’t want to be here anymore.”

“Then don’t stay here. Come with me on tour, do literally anything else, you could do anything you wanted to.”

“I can’t Sam. I’m not made for any of that.”

You realise you’ve reached Sam’s house, the light still on in the porch. Your house is only about six houses down the road, and you know that it’s time to put this conversation to bed.

“Look, Sam, it’s late. Can we please just talk about this some other time?”

“No, we can’t. I’m going away again soon, if I leave this now, you’re just going to carry on not talking to me and we won’t fix anything before then.”

“Maybe that’s the way it should be.”

He doesn’t even look shocked at this point. He just sighs in resignation and runs a hand through his hair. 

“You’re serious?”

You don’t even have the nerve to answer him, simply shrugging in reply.

“Right, I guess I’ll see you then,” it’s all he can give you in response. “Please, just know I love you and, once you figure that out, I’ll be here wating for you.” He moves around you, ready to walk up the steps to his front door.

“Okay,” you say quietly, almost immediately regretting your actions over the course of the night, but not having the guts to take any of it back.

You can’t be selfish anymore.

“Get home safe.”

You nod and turn to walk away, not even giving him the luxury of a glance back in his direction, knowing you won’t have the strength to leave otherwise.

The walk back to your house is perhaps the loneliest you’ve ever felt. You flinch as you hear Sam’s front door close behind you but keep walking. It’s as if the door has closed on everything good in your life, forcing you to start a new chapter on your own.

You open your own door, met with only silence. You’re truly alone, truly the last to make it home.

[kaijuree]

THE LONG AWAITED SUBSPACE LORE POST.... yes im insane i have all this lore to explain subspace's surname. i am batshit

anyways @luckyfailuregirl COME GET YO JUICE.... lore under the cut prepare yourselves

what if i told you guys that subspace was originally part of a 'family'? a cult? imagine a huge 'family' full of a bunch of demons with tripmine gears, & they all had the surname 't. mine'

so who's behind this cult? who leads it? allow me to introduce you to-

DUAL (short for dual subspace tripmine). yes the same dual that's the elder god of reality & destruction, the same dual that's glaive/iron lotus & mystic tide's biological parent. the same dual.

dual, upon their defeat by iron lotus, was imprisoned deep within the inpherno, in the deepest & most secure cell banland had. they were imprisoned for several thousand years, before they broke out, blasting through the ground & being the very reason there are layers to the inpherno

dual, enraged & upset from being imprisoned & defeated, essentially forgotten by the inphinity, & still pissy as hell from being defeated by their own child- came up with an absolutely terrible idea. if their children didnt love them, they'd start a new family. they'd create an army to reclaim their former glory

so they literally ripped a hole in reality, creating their 'own layer', their own little pocket dimension. this place is known as the place of no stars

the place of no stars is a gallery, a empty place where pieces & fragments of civilizations, worlds, & peoples that they've destroyed all float throughout the atmosphere like artifacts on display at a museum. trophies. a thick fog surrounds the endless tall grassy fields, barely concealing the horrors of this twisted world.

after miles & miles of endless plains, floating crumbled pieces of worlds, thick fog & cold winds, there is a manor that is home to this so called 'family'

there are many 't. mines', each one of them having a specific purpose that was picked carefully by dual themselves. their goal is to fulfill that purpose, to live up to expectations & nothing more. be nothing more then a mindless soldier

each t. mine is marked with a symbol, a magical & enchanted symbol on them-

this is the mark of the iron lotus. you might be confused on why dual didnt use their own special mark or make a new one, & the answer is because they dont care. they believe whatever glory their children have, is also their glory. they did it out of spite

so, as we know- subspace is not like that. so how did he become who he was?

subspace was a warped child, curious & adventurous. his goal was to assist his 'siblings', stay to the side & never be on the frontline. he wanted more though.

curiosity got the best of him one day as he slipped out one day, walking for miles & miles in the middle of the night, somehow escaping through the hole of this 'world', seeing the inpherno for the first time since spawn. he was amazed, curious, adventurous. he saw those great mountains in the distance & made it his goal to learn more about them

so he walked, & walked. for days, coming very close to death. upon his arrival- he was nearly killed, but he lived from the pity & mercy of one guard at the border. he was 'adopted' & welcomed into blackrock

being brainwashed & clueless, not knowing any better, he idolized...questionable people. he was never properly raised, never taught how to really be a person, & always left unsupervised- so he was ruined. he became a horrible person

he continued to idolize those terrible government officials, & continued to indulge in horrible acts, making him the man he is today. that seems to have worked out well for him though, seeing as how he's literally been adopted by the leader of blackrock herself

pulse actually took such interest into him because of his strange & unknown upbringing & backstory, that alongside his 'bright mind'. shes always wanted kids ok lol

ANYWAYSSSSS.....yeah. thats it. PLEASEEEEEEEEE send me asks... /nf

[mysticbewitched]

It’s funny how you just made the post on how your perception has evolved because I literally deleted tumblr app today and continued reading The Law and The Promise and came to the same epiphany. None of Neville’s books shows how limitless we are apart from that one (to be fair, it’s just the tip of the iceberg). That is his last book as far as I’m aware, which says a lot . This book literally has a success story of a woman (lives in San Francisco) who imagined herself to be in her daughters home (in England) and imagined seeing her daughter. Her daughter turned to her, made eye contact and looked frightened and then she snapped out of the “imaginary” scene. Then the mum got a letter like a week later telling her that her daughter had seen her and she thought she was dead and had seen a ghost so her husband told her to send a letter to her mum straight away. Same day and time the mum imagined herself in her daughters home, the daughter had physically seen her there too. I never knew Neville spoke of these limitless acts but he truly evolved and so have you. He even writes about how imagination is not only within but without too and that they’re not separate and that imagination (consciousness/awareness) is “God” and all things exist because of imagination (consciousness /awareness). Whatever we become aware of we make real then and there. If only people would persist in its reality regardless of what seems otherwise, would they experience the full expression of it. There’s successes in that book that show you people who have been in the face of what seemed like they would never get their desires but returned to their imagination and had their desire fully expressed then and there.

I completely agree with you and everything you said. It's absolutely wild to me how so many people who claim to be loyal followers of Neville's teachings distort his work out of shape and spread around misinformation which others blindly accept on their journey.

What we truly are as awareness is indescribable, incomparable, infinite, and simply unmatched. We are the very source of creation itself, and it's such an incredibly beautiful realization to come to after drowning in a deep, endless sea full of ignorant misinformation for so long.

I'm grateful that I came to this realization of the true self and I was able to evolve in my beliefs just as Neville evolved on his journey. It's a beautiful metamorphosis to me.

I have heard that story about the daughter freaking out when her mother appeared to her out of nowhere and it never fails to amaze me every time I am reminded of it. All things are possible and that's only the tip of the iceberg as you said.

There was also a story from this one guy where Neville was once in two places at once which freaked the guy out and he couldn't understand how that was possible. I was floored when I first read about all of this and I thought of how funny that one guy's reactions must have been at the time.

Check out the story here.

You should also check out the story of this one woman (Louise Berlay) who manifested seeing her deceased son appear to her in her bedroom because she wanted to see him again and she was hellbent on manifesting to see him again after his death.

You can find that story here.

I recommend for everyone here to read The Law & The Promise. It's one of Neville's best, it has wild success stories, and it's simply incredible.

[bethanythebogwitch]

I've been going over my thoughts on all the aquatic Digimon. Previous posts here: all fish, all mermaids, and aquatics part 1. Since I've gone over the aquatics with a default evolution line, today I'll just go over all rookie/child, champion/adult, and armor level mons that I haven't already discussed.

I will say that my previous post's analogy on how Digimon evolution works was not at all helpful, so I'll try again. Digimon evolution is branched, where each stage has multiple possible next stages that do not necessarily need to have a thematic connection to prior stages. Stages are not mutually exclusive and separate Digimon can evolve into the same thing. Digimon can also evolve backwards and not to the same thing they started as. For example, an Agumon (little dinosaur) can evolve into Centaurumon (centaur), then evolved back down to a Patamon (winged hamster). The animes usually simplify things from the games and virtual pets by giving their Digimon characters much more linear and thematically consistent evolution lines. I may do an intro to Digimon post some day.

Starting with rookie/child levels we have an old mon that hasn't been used much: Gizamon. It's been around for a long time, but rarely gets any attention and as far as I can tell, has never gotten a spotlight, even as a monster of the week. That's too bad, it's a neat little critter. It's a marine mammal, but has the body shape and jumping ability of a frog.

Next up is Crabmon (Ganimon in Japanese). People compare Pokemon and Digimon a lot, but one comparison I haven't seen is that they both made a monster that's literally just a crab. Crabmon and Kingler are both fiddler crabs too, with one much bigger claw. I like it and there are a few crustaceans of higher level that I think could be a good pre-evo for. Crabmon also has a x-antibody variant.

Crabmon

Crabmon X

The last of this level is Sangomon, a very new Digimon. I love it so much, it's a little staghorn coral monster with polyps for arms. It's so cute and such a creative way of making coral as a monster. I wish it has a full through-like of coral reef evolutions. If I had to pick any of the rookie/child Digimon form this series as a partner, it honestly might be this one.

Moving onto the champion/adult level is Ebidramon. Ebi means shrimp and dramon indicates that the Digimon is draconic, so it's a shrimp dragon. It clearly isn't fond of shrimp being used as a synonym for tiny as it will attack those who make fun of it.

Next is Gesomon, which clearly takes ofter humboldt squids as its very violent and scary. It attacks those who enter its territory, but won't bother those outside of it. It's also very intelligent and cunning, which is very appropriate for a squid. I really like Gesomon, I think it's a great choice for an evil aquatic line. Gesomon has an x-antibody variant which is incredibly ugly and not in a good way. Its ugly in an "I don't want to look at this any more" way.

Gesomon

Gesomon X

The last aquation at this level is the excellent Octomon. I don't like any of the octopus Pkemon very much and Digimon deliverd for me. It's a kleptomanian who wears a pot for a head much like how a coconut octopus lives inside coconuts and other hard objects. The crown came from a sunked treasure chest and that gun squirts ink. Weirdly enough, the little gold barnacles on it are identified as another Digimon called Fujitsumon and Octomon's reference book entry is the only place Fujitsumon has ever been mentioned.

Next up is the armor level, which lies outside the normal evolution levels. It was introduces fro the anime Digimon Adventure 02 and outside of media related to that show, armor Digimon are often treated as being synonymous to the champion/adult level.

First is Archelomon, a sea turtle with knives for flippers. Digimon has had much more ridiculous designs, but for some reason this one seems over the top for me.

Next is Depthmon, who absolutely should have been in the mermaid post but I forgot about it. I really like this guy, a merman wearing a diving suit. The suit lets it dive way deeper into the ocean than most Digimon because it can endure incredibly high pressure. Armor Digimon are the result of a Digimon evolving with an object called a Digimental that represents some virtue like courage. The anime only used a few combinations and a lot of the official armor Digimon are the result of filling out the other matches. For example, in the show, Veemon/V-Mon used the Digimentals of courage and friendship to become Flamedramon and Raidramon respectively. Depthmon is one of the unseen combinations, Veemon plus the Digimental of sincerity (reliability in the dub). The unseen combinations don't get nearly as much attention as the ones that did appear in the anime, which is a shame because some of them, like Depthmon, are pretty cool.

Next is Orcamon and I absolutely love this goofy beast. An Orca life guard is such an exceptionally silly concept executed quite well. It actively rescues other Digimon that are lost at sea. Orcamon seems like a good friend. What's even better is that it was designed by a fan as part of a contest. That fan has some great ideas.

Next is Submarimon, which I probably could have justified in the fish post. Its a fish-shaped submarine of course, but that harpoon nose also makes me think of sawfish. This is one of the armor Digimon that appeared in the anime where it was a bit underutilized due to being strictly aquatic. Fortunately the writers seem to have agreed because it got to appear in some of the other anime seasons as an ally.

Finally we have Tylomon, which is a tyloaurus, a type of prehistoric marine reptile. I like marine reptiles like mosasaurs, so Tylomon is pretty cool to me. It also has an x-antibody variant which is a classic overdesigned form. It's kind of weird that some of the more obscure armor Digimon got x-antibody forms befrore the ones that showed up in the anime, but I'm all for more obscure mons getting more attention.

Tylomon

Tylomon X

That's it for today. Next post will finish up the aquatic Digimon with the ultimate/perfect and mega/ultimate levels

[shivology]

okay. one day i will stop talking about islam but it's not gonna be today. anyway, to overcorrect on post-9/11 islamophobia, a lot of liberal spaces infested by the types of muslims who will call you islamophobic and disrespectful of their culture when you call them out on their homophobia or transphobia and who will deny the infestations of misogyny and antiblackness and antisemitism in their (our) communities because Um Actually You Don't Get The Full Context, have started to almost . idk the word but like, deify? whitewash? sugarcoat? islam as if it's like. One Inherently Good Singular Ideology Misunderstood By White People For Racism Reasons. when yes, obviously, islam and muslims who live in the west are oppressed, but that's not all islam is. and it's such disservice to act like Islam cannot be oppressive to so many people who do live in the global south living either directly under islamist rule or just in conservative muslim-majority communities, to say that no actually we're a peaceful religion and we WORSHIP women actually! like to gaslight people who have actually been forced to wear the hijab, who have actually been victims of misogynistic honor-based violence, who have actually been pulled out of school to be married off to a 50 year old man because "the prophet did it so it's islamically ok!"

and it's tricky to talk about because you don't want to fuel islamophobia (which, like antisemitism, is obviously a legitimate tangible thing, but also can be weaponized) also it is so fucking ANNOYINGGGGG to watch discourse on islam be led by people who have never experienced oppression fueled by islam like sure you're a good ally to guys like mohamed hijab but also people like sara hegazy mahsa amini etc etc all these people are real people who were tangibly hurt in the name of islam. there is a reason why a man like andrew tate felt it was ok for a man like him to convert to islam and there is a reason why so many Muslim men welcomed him with open fucking arms. you're sure not a good ally to queer people and atheists and christians and jews who have been tangibly hurt in the name of islam.

and we can discuss the doctrine itself, we can talk about the effects of colonialism, we can talk about how no actually islam doesn't say that lets not conflate between ~ real religion and corrupt regimes but the thing issssss. religion is literally what you make of it. it is an idea. there is a book and you take what you take from it. there is no such thing as "the correct way" to practice religion, especially when all Abrahamic religions have the capacity to be peaceful AND the capacity to be violent. what is REAL representation? who are you to say what real representation is, anyway? who decides what is extremism? why do you, personally, get to pick and choose who and what represents a certain religion?

islam, like Every Religion Ever, manifests itself in different ways depending on ur social context. whether you have the means to exact oppression via religion or whether you are disenfranchised because you're an ethnic or racial or religious minority. religion has and always will be used both as a tool for good (community building, etc) or for evil (daaesh, lol) it's not about religion itself. it's about how you use it and its place in the social pecking order.

anyway. tl;dr. i hate oversimplication and i hate overcorrection. quite frankly, it's orientalist and racist, to assume that an organized religion followed by over a billion people in most countries in the world, all believe the same beliefs. even if u think these beliefs are "good." here's over a billion of us and some of us are bound to be cunts! statistically.

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #231

Do you like to cuddle with your S.O. or do you prefer your space? I like to cuddle with him, so long as I'm not hot. If I'm hot, don't touch me.

What TV shows do you watch on a regular basis? None.

What is the last thing you scribbled down on a Post-It note? I have no idea.

Do you care if your produce is organic or not? No, not really.

Do you have any children? If so, how old were you when you had them? If not, do you think you ever will? No, I most likely never will.

Do you get enough calcium? To my knowledge, yeah. I've always liked milk.

Are you nosy? Dude I am so nosy and I know I am. It ain't gotta have nothing to do with me, I just like knowing shit lmao

Are you happy with the size of your bedroom? Yeah.

Where was the last place you went that was totally new to you, as in, it was the first time you’d been there? A primarily sushi place for Mom's birthday. I tried something else (there was no way I was eating sushi), some Thai dish, and it was horrible, I had to eat something when I got home.

When was the last time you used someone else’s computer? Girt's actually, last time we hung out. Long story short and to make it understandable to people who don't play, I was storing certain things in WoW in case I ever do come back to the game.

What’s the relationship status of the last person you talked to? Divorced/single.

Do you say sorry first? If I believe I'm wrong, yes. I am not one to easily say sorry first if I believe I did nothing wrong.

Who will you be spending Christmas with this year? Without fail my mom, and unless something is seriously stopping us we go to my older sister's place, and usually Nicole (my other, younger sister) is there too. I'd like to see Girt, but we usually don't on Christmas day, we spend time with our immediate families.

Did you go to high school with your current best friend? Yes.

Have you ever been a passenger in a semi-trailer truck? No.

Whose was the last funeral you attended? I don't think I've ever been to a funeral, just a wake.

Do you avoid using public restrooms? I try to, yes. But if I seriously gotta go, I gotta go.

Have you seen any extended relatives in the last month? No, I barely ever see extended family. None live in North Carolina.

Do you like eggnog? Nooooooooooooo.

Who is the person you dislike the most? Of people who are actually in my life still, Nick.

Do you take part in paying the bills for your household? I absolutely would if I had an income. I don't have disability checks, I don't have anything. I literally get money on Christmas and my birthday, that's it.

Do you know anyone with celiac disease? I have a cousin with it, yes. I think her mom also has it.

How many siblings do you have? Are they all full siblings? I have two full-blooded sisters, one half-brother, and technically three half-sisters, but one I have never met or spoken to or know almost anything about.

What’s the weather like today? Raining cats and dogs on-and-off, windy. We have a hurricane.

How do you usually celebrate New Years? Occasionally Mom and/or I will have a drink, and that's pretty much the extent of it.

Do you currently have any alarms set? Not right this minute, but at bedtime I've been setting an 10:30-11:00 A.M. alarm lately. I've been sleeping in too late.

Do you like whiskey? Meh, I can have some in mixed drinks. I don't particularly like the flavor, but I don't like the flavor of alcohol period, so...

What type of milk do you like to drink? 2% or whole.

Do you have a first aid kit at home? Yes.

Are your parents dog or cat people? Is that different or the same as you? Mom's a dog person. Dad, I'm not sure. He has a cat and loves him, but we also had dogs while he was still with my family, so idk. I'm a cat person.

What’s your favourite flavour of potato chip? Just plain/salted, honestly. I do like salt & vinegar and french onion, though.

Would you ever get a matching tattoo with someone? Maybe my mom.

What is your Chinese zodiac animal? Rat, I think.

What form of communication did you last use to talk to the person you're currently interested in? Discord.

Do you want to see someone right now? Yeah, I saw Girt like... two days ago and I still really miss him.

What was the last thing you looked up on YouTube? Powerwolf's new album, I think.

Did the last guy/girl you kissed have any piercings? No.

Do you actually love your parents? Yes. I don't know where the hell I'd be without my mom.

What pattern do the sheets on your bed have? They're just plain white.

Where did you get the underwear you are wearing right now? I don't wear underwear with my pajamas, that's so non-cozy lmao

Do you feel uncomfortable sharing drinks with other people? Sure do. I WILL with Girt, but I'd still prefer not to.

Have you gone through a lot emotionally, or has life been easy thus far? I've been through the ringer.

Do you spend more time outside or inside? Inside, it's no competition.

Would you rather give up the computer or the TV? TV, easy. I don't even watch it on my own, only with Mom or Girt.

Last person to make you seriously mad? Tobey.

Who have you recently made up with after fighting? Nobody.

What kind of toothpaste do you use? Crest.

What were you doing this morning at 1am? Most likely sleeping. A flash flood warning woke me up at some point, though.

Have you used a tissue today? Yes, my allergies have been out of this fucking world today.

The last person that slept in your bed gets arrested, what do you do? Cry extremely hard and figure out what the hell happened, try to reach him over phone if he's allowed. I'd have no guess what he got arrested for.

When people ask "how are you?" do you say "good" even if you aren't? No. I don't info-dump, I just don't think there's shame in sharing that you're not doing great.

How was your Friday? Tomorrow is Friday, so the kids should be coming over while their parents work. I don't have a book to read right now, so it's gonna be a long day. I do like Fridays though, at least it's something different, I just get stressed out by kids too easily.

Did you speak to your father today? No, it's been a minute.

What was the last thing you drank? Raspberry lemonade flavored water.

How did you wake up this morning? Tornado warning alert. There's been three or four actual tornadoes touch down in the area since last night, but so far my city has been gratefully spared.

Some people were really destructive as a child, were you? No.

Who was the last person you were in a car with? Girt.

Who was the last person you cried in front of? My mom.

Do you know anyone that is gothic? I have a friend, as well as me, at heart at least. I definitely feel like I fit the gothic aesthetic ideally and emotionally, I just can't be bothered to dress up (that and I can't afford stuff like that), and I HATE putting on makeup.

Have you seen UP? I've seen I think most of it.

How is your mom? Stressed, always.

Do you feel comfortable getting up and giving speeches? HELL no.

Have you ever dipped french fries in a frosty? Yes, I didn't get the appeal at all.

Would you prefer eating jello or pudding? Pudding, so long it's chocolate.

Last time you ate a salad? It's been a long while. I don't really like salads.

Have you ever been described as “adorable”? It's been said before.

Are you a moody person? I can be, yes.

What are you listening to? I'm watching 8-BitRyan play Into The Pit.

What video game could you waste the most time on? It WAS World of Warcraft, but I've stopped playing it. It's the main reason I've been doing more surveys lol, I'm fighting to find other ways to kill time.

[sherrendipities]

we bein VULNRABLE on the KINK BLOG besties. mostly i needed a place to dump out some thoughts on gender and weird cultural shit and the things that led me to get into these kinks and why they've been healing. tw for non-graphic discussions of sexism, but it's really just feelsy, it's nbd

i'm in the minority of women into dykebreaking who actually ended up with this kink genuinely changing the way i think about and understand my sexuality, and outside of the context of kink, i no longer label myself as a lesbian.

i came across a post today on tiktok that was super fun. it was a saudi rapper with his whole crew, dressed in traditional garments and carrying the scimitars that are on the saudi flag. the video itself was delightful, the music was banging, and i bookmarked it so i can check out the guy's spotify when i have time.

it was a comment that really ticked me off. it said "no girls, no alcohol, no smoking. just vibes 💯". and yes i'm aware it's such a juvenile "ew girls have cooties" ass fucking perspective but it drove me up the wall cause that really is the attitude so many grown ass arab men are stuck with. and it was that comment in particular that really made me realize why i've always struggled so much to connect with men for so many years, to the point where i very much believed it was as simple as, "guess i'm gay."

and the phrasing of that really made it click in my head that to so many men, women are just a vice. this is something you'll find all over, but it's especially prominent with arab and muslim men in my experience. women aren't full human beings who you can laugh with, share stories with, be friends with, enjoy music with. we're a vice, no different from substances and gambling and other sinful things. we're something filthy, to be separated away from them (literally; i grew up in a very gender segregated country). our inclusion and our intimacy, even in a completely nonsexual context, is something that ruins the purity of the moment. we can't just fucking like rap or be full humans and equal participants in anything.

and i'm not saying anything novel or new. it's the same way that a lot of men all over the globe will talk about "the friendzone," because women aren't people you make friends with, we're objects you jerk off with. it's a very similar perspective, but i think this exact moment really made me snap because of the cultural context around it. these were men singing and dancing in traditional garb, and i was just vibing enjoying the merging of the traditional and the modern as well as the merging of black american culture with khaleeji culture. the vibes were indeed 💯!!

women are objectified all over the world. in the west (from my experiences living there), it's more so that women are something to be chased, used, then discarded, or chased, locked down, and ignored. the attitudes that i've seen from SWANA men has been that women are something impure and filthy that must be locked away. sure, you eventually have to find some wife, but trust me marriage in west asia is its own shitshow that i wouldn't touch with a 10 ft pole.

and in a weird, roundabout way, this is why it was so much easier for me to realize i liked women than men. even though i grew up in a horrifically homophobic environment, i knew from a young age that the treatment of gay people was dumb as shit and a problem of homophobia, not that the queerness itself was bad. it was easy for me to connect with other girls. i never questioned that they viewed me as a full and equal person, and eventually i ended up getting a couple crushes on them and i didn't judge myself for it at all. with my girl friends (romantic and platonic lol), i knew i was with them because they wanted me there, not because i was allowed to be there, yk?

the same can't really be said about men. and again, there's like... a million different manifestations of sexism that can make it so hard for a woman to connect with the men around her (not just romantically obvs but just as HUMANS in community together). this is just me dissecting one (1) aspect of it.

i think another part of what is making me start to really dissect this now of all times is because i recently watched khadija mbowe's video about the man vs bear debate, and she quotes bell hooks' book, the will to change. i haven't read it yet but the more i think about it, the more i think i really need to. for my soul. but anyway, the quote was:

"Every female wants to be loved by a male. Every woman wants to love and be loved by the males in their life. Whether gay, or straight, bisexual, or celibate, she wants to feel the love of father, grandfather, uncle, brother, or male friend. If she is heterosexual, she wants the love of a male partner. We live in a culture where emotionally starved, deprived females are desperately seeking male love. Our collective hunger is so intense, it rends us. And yet we dare not speak it for fear it will be mocked, pitied, shamed. To speak out hunger for male love would demand that we name the intensity of our lack and our loss."

and i think there really is so much shame around that because 1) a lot of pop feminism is centered around capitalist individualism and on some level it feels anti-feminist to admit this, and 2) it so often gets misinterpreted or belittled; either you're some boy-crazed idiot who needs to be more independent or you just have daddy issues (why the fuck do we belittle daddy issues so much i fucking hate that shit). but something about the phrasing of it (or maybe just the fact that it's bell hooks lol) made me think of it more from a hippie, commie, "the love for your fellow human is the most sacred and valuable thing in the world" perspective and it's like. yeah man that shit DO be hurting. it aint right to be so emotionally and even physically separated from a whole half of the population. and for me even though i have reasonably good relationships with my dad and brother, there's this greater sense of disconnect from my community at large BECAUSE of patriarchal influence. i wish i could feel safe and assured that my fellow countrymen would look out for me but i simply have never been given enough reason to trust arab men at large. this is genuinely one of the biggest reasons why i struggled with internalized racism so much for so long, and i often still do.

but all that said, i think in a weird way all of that fuckiness is why i ended up finding misogyny kink so soothing, and especially dykebreaking. beyond the fact that shit's sexy and it doesn't always have to be that deep, it also started off as a way for me to explore this feeling without having to label it one way or another. "sure, it's just a kink, whatever." for a long time i'd thought that small, very repressed pull towards men might just be comphet. for a lot of people that probably is it !! but as stated, i had a weird mix of factors that made me like this lol. the more i started to connect with men, the more i was like ooohh. it is not comphet, and it is not just a kink.

there's something very soothing, empowering, and healing about taking all those things that have stopped me from being able to connect with men and using them to form such loving and intimate connections. i love being treated like an object while knowing with all my heart that i'm respected and appreciated and i'm not going to be tossed aside. i love being treated as sinful, corrupting whore that tempts the worst impulses out of men, while knowing that the man in question adores and values me as deeply as i do him.

anyway, idk how to end this. i just be yapping. the moral is i love my Doms with literally my whole being and sometimes the most feminist thing u can do is slap a girl around and call her a cunt to heal a broken lil piece of her soul.