#but words aren't enough to convey what they're feeling

[barryhbo]

AUUGGJJFNFNDNNFNFNF YEAH IVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT IT ALL DAY……… just. the fact that literally everyone except nezha dies. the way i knew there was no way rin could survive there was no other way this story could be told. how she spend a the whole trilogy under someone’s thumb and being controlled and then once she BECOMES the one on the other end how the power corrupts her…….the way she’s SUCHHH an unreliable narrator at the end and can’t trust anyone NOT EVEN KITAY. THE WAY KITAY DIES WITH HER ANYWAY. the way she’s changed so much but can’t see it so she thinks kitay and venka are the ones who changed. the way rin and nezha surrender to each other when it matters. like i’m just auuiuiicucucgjbvgghfdhjdjdjdjdjhdhhj. fucking hell.

real!! the last section of the book was so painful to read, seeing rin without a clear enemy to fight and how her paranoia leads her to distrust those closest to her.... without a war to fight, rin collapses inwards. she turns against venka and kitay, and oh kitay😭. when rin realises she's hurting kitay, when she realises she's lost everything and none of it matters, that her story was written before she was even born, history moves in circles, when she realises she has to die. absolutely broke me. rin is haunted by ghosts of the past, she banished tearzas ghost in the first book, she couldn't understand why tearza did what she did. but finally, here in the same place where tearza put the blade in her heart, rin understands. she knows there is no way forward, the war will never end.

and it's like. rin also dies with kitay hating her. the only person who has always been by her side, the person she loves more than anyone, and she turns on him at the very end. and their fight is painful because rin could so easily overpower him but realising she's hurting kitay makes her pull back and suddenly everything hits her - everything she's done, the horror of it all exhausts her. and she realises that she's seen this scene play out before - kitay is jiang, rin is riga, nezha is daji - daji and jiang were terrified of and loved riga, and riga would've burned down the world. rin realises there's only one way to end this, to break the cycle. 'i'll hate you for it but i'll love you forever. i can't help but love you. ruin me. ruin us. i'll let you' and rin does. there was no world where kitay lived and rin didn't.

and nezha 😭 it's the cruelest thing she could've done. she made him hold the blade, made him take responsibility for her death. nezha is left alone, he'll be remembered by history as the one who gave the country away, a hesperian puppet. nezha is left, just like daji was and he will be hated just like her. he's the only one left alive after spending his whole life trying to kill himself.

[yumeka-sxf]

Japanese Linguistic Observations in Spy x Family - part 1

This is a post series I've been planning for a while and I've finally had the time to complete part 1! 😃 I may have mentioned here before that I got my B.A. in Japanese/East Asian Studies, and even though I'm not fluent, I know the linguistics of the language fairly well. So I thought it would be fun to examine the interesting aspects of the Japanese version of the SxF manga that aren't reflected in the English translation. It might also be an informative experience for those who don't know any Japanese to learn a bit about the language through SxF! I'll try not to get too technical with the linguistics and keep my explanations at a beginner's level.

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Part 1 - Twilight's "honne and tatemae"

One of the main themes in SxF is how many of the characters have secrets they want to hide, so they act a certain way in front of others in order to mask their true selves. Japanese has a word for this phenomena called 本音と建前 ("honne and tatemae").

I remember learning about the concept of "honne and tatemae" during my Japanese college studies – a quick google search will yield a lot of publications on the topic and its relation to Japanese culture in particular. While the idea of hiding one's true intentions behind a fake facade can exist anywhere and is not something unique to Japan, it is enough of an occurrence in Japanese culture that there are specific words for it. The Wiki article has a basic but good definition of honne and tatemae, to quote:

A person's honne may be contrary to what is expected by society or what is required according to one's position and circumstances, and they are often kept hidden, except with one's closest friends. Tatemae is what is expected by society and required according to one's position and circumstances, and these may or may not match one's honne. In many cases, tatemae leads to outright telling of lies in order to avoid exposing the true inward feelings.

Sounds very much like the characters in SxF, doesn't it? Twilight especially, because unlike other characters like Yor and Anya, who simply have secrets they need to keep but don't create fake personas for themselves, Twilight does – the cheerful, friendly Loid Forger is a different person from the cold, calculating Twilight after all. Also unlike Yor and Anya, who speak the same way consistently no matter who they're talking to, Twilight uses different speech levels depending on which persona he's using and who he's talking to.

There are many different levels of speech in Japanese, ranging from super formal to totally crude. These speech levels are distinguished mostly by the pronouns the speaker chooses to use for themselves and who they're speaking to, as well as how they choose to conjugate the words they use. For example, 座ってください (suwatte kudasai), 座って (suwatte,) and 座れ (suware) all mean "sit," as in, telling someone to sit down. But the tone being conveyed is different: the first one is polite, the second one is casual, and the last one could be seen as rude if you're not using it with a close friend/family member.

As Twilight, he uses casual speech with the masculine and less polite pronoun 俺 or オレ (ore). This is the speech he uses when talking to a fellow spy like Fiona, and for his own inner thoughts.

As Loid Forger, he uses the polite 敬語 (keigo) speech, which is basically comprised of using the -ます (-masu) conjugation for verbs and the "to be" verb です (desu). He also uses the pronoun ボク or 僕 (boku), which is the standard male pronoun and more polite than "ore." He uses keigo to address pretty much everyone who doesn't know his true identity. When talking to a higher-up like Sylvia, he'll still use "ore" but will use polite speech instead of casual speech.

Anya is an exception to this: with her, he uses his most casual speech, the same as he uses with Franky.

I discussed a bit about this in part 24 of my Twiyor analysis posts, but this could be because Anya is a little kid, so he doesn't feel the need to put on any airs with her (same with Bond, whom he also uses casual speech with).

An interesting side note is that, as a child, Twilight used the pronoun "boku" but then changed to "ore" as soon as he became an adult/soldier.

Another aspect of keigo, besides using the more polite forms of pronouns and verb conjugations, is putting the honorific さん (san) after people's names. Twilight does this all the time with Yor, as she does with him. However, he switches to casual speech and drops the "san" part in her name when addressing her in front of people who (supposedly) believe they're a real married couple, such as Yuri and Fiona – because it would be weird for a real couple who have been married for a year to address each other in such a formal way, especially the husband. In the below panel when Fiona visits them, he's calling her "Yor" instead of "Yor-san" and using casual speech instead of keigo.

Oddly in these situations, while he uses just "Yor" when addressing her directly, he still calls her "Yor-san" when talking about her. During Yuri's first visit for example, he calls her "Yor-san" when telling Yuri how much Anya loves her (talking to someone about her) but then calls her just "Yor" a few moments later when telling her that he'll clean up the spill (talking to her directly). It's strange to me that he wouldn't just consistently use "Yor" whether he's talking to her or about her in these situations...I'm honestly not sure if he does this intentionally or if he just slips up since he's so used to using "Yor-san" in her presence.

*UPDATE* Thank you to @dentedintheworld-blog for enlightening me with the below reply about this!

"In Japanese, when speaking to your spouse's family about your spouse, you address her/him by attaching "san" her/his name out of respect for her/his family. This is also to show her/his family that you respect your spouse. That's why Loid calls Yor with san when he talks about how much he loves Yor to Yuri."

That definitely makes sense for why Twilight switches between "Yor" and "Yor-san" in these situations.

Regardless, this is why the scene in chapter 86 is so significant – when Yor isn't present, there's no reason for him to refer to her as "Yor-san," especially in front of a fellow spy like Fiona who knows he (supposedly) shouldn't have any feelings for her. Yet, even after he just called Yuri by his full name "Yuri Briar" a moment before, he doesn't do the same for Yor and continues to call her "Yor-san" here, much to Fiona's dismay.

In the same chapter, it's also significant that he uses "ore" when addressing Yor directly in his thoughts. Even though he's not speaking out loud, I believe this is the first time he's speaking directly "to" her as Twilight and/or his true self and not as Loid Forger.

But despite all this, I think that both Loid Forger and Twilight are tatemae…they're both masks to hide the person he truly is. The person who fondly talked about his mother to Yor on the park bench, the person who genuinely expressed gratitude for her sacrifice when leaving the resort island, the person who refused to kill Yuri in a life-or-death struggle because he knew it would hurt her…that's his actual honne. But of course, the ongoing conflict of the series is that he has yet to realize this. He won't even show his honne to his closest friend, Franky. Seems like it mostly comes out in dribs and drabs during his interactions with Yor...no surprise there, lol. The man is certainly a work in progress. When he finally starts letting his "honne" show, I'm curious what form of speech he'll adopt.

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Continue to Part 2 ->

[whaledenwtf]

Can I request headcanons for Astarion, Gale, Wyll, and Halsin react to Karlach telling him that his gn crush likes him too but they're too shy to confess?

YES!!! I'm sorry this took so long, but its been in queue this whole time Love this idea!!

REQUEST HERE BG3 Masterlist

Headcannons: Astarion, Gale, Wyll and Halsin reacting to Karlach telling him that gn!reader likes them back but they are too shy

Warnings: None. This is just fluff and cuteness

I tried to write as much as possible but the way Halsin as a character is... I wrote it shorter considering he seeks you out in game, and wouldn't hesitate to do so in this case either. First time I write Wyll too, so I hope I gave his character justice 💞

Astarion

He felt frustrated for the longest time. How can his flirting not get to you?

He's been trying so hard to get you under his thumb.

Gods why aren't you being seduced

He sees those little blushes and rapid heartbeat so he knows it affects you.

Admittedly, he started falling for you because you weren't jumping his bones.

This man is broken, but with you he feels mendable.

He begins to slow down with the flirting, but his gazes went from calculating to longing.

Its so embarrassing that Karlach speaks up

"When will you realize they like you? Aren't you supposed to have sharp senses? Some kind of vampire you are..." She tells him one day, while they were at camp.

He drops his dagger, almost stabbing his foot.

"I'll choose to ignore that last part. Repeat what you said." He asks her again.

"They. Like. You. Too." She told him, grinning. His eyes widen at the revelation.

"I couldn't wait anymore. I feel so much better now that I've gotten that out of my system. I hate keeping secrets." She turns around, speaking to no one in particular as she walks away.

He felt... elated. You like him back!

He considers what this means for his future.

On the one hand, you could be by his side. On the other, he feels this sense of worry. Between his undead nature, and your very much not undead nature, what will that mean for you both.

He cards a hand through his curls, sighing.

He might be getting ahead of himself! After all, you still don't know that he knows that you like him.

Maybe he should say something?

He ponders what to do for the rest of the day, distracted.

Gale

Oh gods, he was so nervous around you

He tried flirting, but the things he said were so embarrassing

He still can't believe he said he likes your musk

That one-liner haunts his dreams- well nightmares

He sees how easily you flirt back with Astarion and it makes him feel... insecure (much more than he currently is)

Everytime he tries to convey his adoration for you, he says something awkward and all you can do is blush

He thought you liked what he was saying, but you haven't responded to any of his adoration

Oh Mystra, what if you blush because you're embarrassed of him

He is trailing behind the group by a couple paces, clenching and unclenching his fists with a frown on his face

"What's the problem?" Karlach whispers into his ear.

He jumps in fear, snapping out of his sad thoughts.

"Oh, Karlach! Just pondering some things..." He can't help but look at your back longingly. Karlach hums, grinning.

"Do your problems involve a special leader of ours?" She says normally. The distance has grown enough between the two and the rest of your group, but it doesn't help Gale's anxieties.

"Keep your voice down! Please." He whisper shouts. Karlach raises her hands in the air, surrendering.

"I don't understand why you're so worried Gale, they like you too." His head snaps to Karlach, his eyes searching for any deceit in her words.

"I'm sorry?" Karlach furrows her brows.

"You're forgiven?" He shakes his head.

"I was asking you to repeat yourself." He says tiredly. Her eyebrows raise.

"Oh! Well, (Y/N) likes you too."

"And how do you know this?" Karlach rubs the back of her neck.

"A birdie told me."

"A birdie." He says, deadpanned.

"Fine. It was (Y/N)." She says quietly.

Truth! And from the source, no less!

Oh gods, he was elated! Maybe he should think of other things to say to you.

Karlach leaves him be as he goes back to pondering what he should say to you.

"Your musk reminds me of home" He thinks this one's good. Until he remembers he lives next to the ocean.

I don't think they would like to be compared to fish...

Back to square one

Wyll

He really tried, the poor thing

He compares you to the most wonderful of things

The sun, the moon, the warm summer air, the cool nights filled with music and soft spoken words

He himself said he'd like to take things slow, and he is.

He'd just appreciate knowing if you felt the same way.

Today you were all traversing the woods surrounding the Emerald Grove, trying to find answers to the worms inside your skulls.

He was walking alongside Karlach, a companionable silence between them.

"You know... there's been some romances in our group recently." His ears perk at her words.

"Oh really?" He couldn't help being curious. Romance is such a beautiful thing, especially in perilous times like these.

"Shadowheart and Lae'zel... Astarion and Halsin. There's also (Y/N)-" She cuts herself off, throwing her hand over her mouth to stop talking. His head snaps to her, looking at her.

"Our leader has found romance?" He tries to ask coolly, but he can't help but feel slightly hurt.

"Well- I mean... They have a crush on someone." Wyll's heart clenches at the thought. Was it Gale? Maybe it's Karlach-

"That's... good." Karlach bites her lip.

"They told me, and now I feel like a bad friend for spilling their secret..." He furrows his brows, thinking about who you may have a crush on. What if it was on Astarion? Or Halsin... He couldn't compete with all that muscle-

"At least I didn't say they had a crush on you-" Karlach says, trying to calm herself down. When she realizes what she said, she slaps her hand over her mouth again. Wyll's eyes widen.

"They do?" He feels hopeful, for the first time in a long time.

She nods, hand still covering her mouth.

Wyll looks around, making sure no one is listening, before whispering to Karlach.

"I like them too." She squeals into her hand, jumping up and down in excitement.

He walks around with a newfound confidence, and makes sure to stay close to you and talk.

He never realized how much you blushed when he spoke to you, and it was adorable.

Halsin

He tried to be so delicate with you since he knew he was.. a lot

He may be an animal to some extent but he saw how delicate you were

He'd call you his little flower, and you'd always blush

Your shy nature made him unsure if you liked him

He was confident, sometimes stupidly so, as evident from his scars

He really should have known about bear mating season

He spent most of time in camp pacing back and forth, thinking

Despite the Shadowcurse taking up most of his headspace, like Selune, you were a guiding light in his thoughts

He loved your laugh, the crinkles by your eyes, the face you make when you're pondering something.

He would always stare and watch you in amazement.

Apparently his affections were too noticeable, considering Karlach of all people came up to him.

"Gods, I can't believe I have to be a messenger" was the first thing he heard, with the crunch of her boots on fallen foliage.

She walks into his view and waves at him.

"Hello-"

"They like you too." She said before walking away.

His eyes widen at her, before he processes the words.

They... like him too

Nobody has ever seen the gargantuan elf run so quickly in their time together.

He picks you up and spins you around, laughing loudly.

"They didn't ask you to tell him, did they?" Shadowheart whispers to Karlach as they watch them spinning and laughing loudly.

"No. I was just tired of the longing looks." Karlach tells her, smiling at her skillful execution as Cupid.

[lakesbian]

i have had like 10 friends rec worm to me but nobody’s given me a good like, gist of its vibe and what its abt because ‘its best blind’, could u please give a like brief summary and vibe check of it 😭 it’s so long i dont wanna try and invest that much time without knowing much abt it

so, worm is a 1.7 million word long webserial written in 2010. 1.7 million words seems like a lot, but it was also written over a relatively short period of time, which means the writing style is very easy to parse--the ideas aren't without complexity, but the language itself isn't intimidatingly dense. you can get through it at a very decent pace. i agree with your friends that there are vast portions of worm that hit best when you're unspoiled, but the thing is that worm is long enough that giving you the basic plot pitch is in no way spoilers for any of the things that i wouldn't want to see spoiled for someone. i'm actually kind of baffled they're not telling you Any Thing, because it is in my estimation one of the best books i've ever read, but it also Needs a briefing before you get into it for like five different reasons. which i will now provide. i swear to god this is brief by my standards it's just that i am very thorough

worm is a story about superheroes and supervillains, set in a world where superpowers are traumagenic--rather than appearing randomly or innately, some people gain powers after a traumatizing event happens to them. the protagonist is taylor hebert, a 15yo girl who has the power to control insects and desperately wants to be a superhero. and then accidentally finds herself scouted by a team of teenage villains instead. who's to say how she's going to react to all that!

one of the most compelling things about worm is that the superpowers in it serve as visceral, hyper-literal metaphors for the trauma and traumatized coping mechanisms of the characters with those powers. each power is incredibly specific and thematically relevant to the person who has it, and it's incredibly interesting and evocative. it feels so natural and well-done that it comes off like how superpowers are just meant to be written.

the fact that superpowers stem from trauma also means that worm is fundamentally a narrative about trauma. specifically, about traumatized teenagers and the relationships they form as they cling together while struggling through growing up traumatized & mutually coping with an increasingly intriguing, intense, and far-reaching escalating plot. worm's depictions of trauma + mental illness--including unpalatable trauma responses, including traumatized characters who are allowed to be complicated and nuanced and messy while still receiving narrative respect--are deeply real-feeling and impactful, and they're placed in the context of a well-spun + engaging story.

i really do have to stress how excellent the character writing is. worm is fully deserving of being as long as it is. over the course of 1.7 million words of character development, the average reader's reaction to the main characters goes from "sorta interesting" to "okay, i want to see where this goes" to "augh...really likable" to "i am now on hands and knees crying and these characters are going to stick around in my brain forever." wildbow has incredible talent for efficiently conveying complicated, real-feeling, and viscerally evocative characterization. many of the interlude chapters (chapters written from the perspective of different characters other than taylor) are so interesting, fleshed-out, and emotionally affecting that they make you wish you could read an entire novel about just the side character being featured. with that level of characterization for just the side cast, it's not surprising that taylor (& co) are genuinely just downright iconic. and i do not say that lightly--taylor is truly one of the best-written protagonists i've seen in anything. ever.

the other main pitch-point for worm is that it's a fascinating deconstruction/reconstruction/examination of the conceits of the superhero genre. it answers the question of--what would the world have to be like, for people with superpowers to act the way they do in classic cape media? and it does this well enough that it's interesting even if you have only a passing familiarity with cape media. i am not a big superhero media fan, but worm addresses virtually every aspect of cape media that was under the sun around 2010 in a way that's so interesting i still find it incredibly engaging. the approach it takes makes the narrative very accessible even to people who aren't usually cape media fans.

and speaking of the narrative: the end of the story is coherent and satisfying and deeply thematically resonant*. the way worm follows through on all of its main mysteries & plot threads is excellent. you don't have to worry about getting thru 1.7 million words and being dissatisfied by the author shitting the bed at the end, or anything like that. he does an amazing job of weaving together plot events in a way that makes each successive one feel rationally, thematically, and emotionally connected to what came before. there's really only one part where i feel the story stumbles a bit, but i think it was the best option he had for the narrative, and it's by no means a dealbreaker. it's in fact really impressive how cohesive and satisfying worm is for such a long webserial released over such a brief period of time.

*this is subjective ive seen some people who didnt love it but ive never seen anyone who downright Hated it who didnt also demonstrate egregious misunderstanding of literally everything worm is about. so thats a good sign

as for the downsides of worm/things that might put you off:

there is a very long list of trigger warnings for it. if you have any trigger warnings you want you should ask your friends to let you know about the relevant parts, because the fact that it's About Trauma (& about typical cape media circumstances presented very seriously) means that traumatic and violent things & their realistic aftermath are constantly happening and/or being discussed. i would not classify worm as needlessly dark or spiteful to the audience by any means, but it is intense and covers a lot of heavy topics. i do assume if your friends are all recommending it to you, they think none of the material would be too much for you, though!

worm was written in 2010 by a white cishet guy from canada. it's typical levels of 2010-era bigoted, it has a deeply lesbophobic stereotype character, it has some atrociously racist stereotype characters, the author really hates addicts, It's Got Blind Spots. i think worm is generally fully worth reading despite these, but very fair warning that it can get bad. i think what exacerbates this is that worm is generally extremely nuanced & sympathetic regarding ideas such as "crime is a result of systematic circumstance vs people just being inherently evil" and "mentally ill people who are traumatized in unpalatable ways are still deserving of fundamental respect as human beings" and so on and so forth, so it's extra noticeable and insufferable when you get to a topic the author has unexamined biases on and all that nuance drops out. the worst part is that a lot of this is most concentrated in the early arcs, so you have to get through them without being super attached to any of the characters yet. it is worth it though.

worm like. Does have a central straight relationship in it. and it's a very well written straight relationship for the most part and i like it quite a lot. but worm also passes the bechdel test with such flying colors that it enters 'unintentionally homoerotic' territory. which means a lot of people were shipping the main character ms taylor hebert with her female friends while the story was being released. which caused the author to get so mad he 1. posted a word of god to a forum loudly insisting that all of the girls are straight and 2. inserted a few deeply awkward and obvious and out of character scenes where he finds an excuse for the girls to more or less turn to the camera and go "i'm not gay, btw. this is platonic." This is fucking insufferable, and will piss you off immensely, but then you will get to any of the number of deeply emotionally affecting scenes between them, and at that point you will be too busy sniffling piteously and perhaps crytyping an analysis post on tumblr to be mad about all that other shit. also they're only a couple tiny portions out of an entire overall fantastic novel

overall: if those points don't sound like dealbreakers (i hope they aren't they're really massively outstripped by the amount of devastatingly good moments in worm, worm still has a thriving fandom over a decade later for a reason), you should absolutely give it a shot and see what you think. my final note is that you have to read up until the end of arc 8 to really see where what makes worm Worm kicks in, so aim for at least there to see how you feel about it if you're just thinking about dipping your toes in vs fully committing. i hope that was helpful and not too long :)

oh and don't go in the comments section on wordpress if you don't want spoilers. or anywhere else in the fandom at all. you will be spoiled. quite possibly for things you could not even have imagined were topics to be spoiled on.

[olderthannetfic]

Being a trans man and not being an anti is also isolating, which is part of why I think trans guys gravitate towards either being an anti or reposting anti posts. If you're not an anti, you get booted from discord servers, blocked on social media at best or sent misgendering rape threats, death threats and suicide bait by other trans men at worst, and now that I'm in college I've found IRL that not being an anti makes a lot of people in queer spaces available to the average college student incredibly uncomfortable. So you have to either be entirely alone - which is very difficult when you're young, queer, and just coming into your own identity - or you have to be around it a lot without saying a word. Agreeing with it at first wouldn't even be necessary. You just have to not say anything against it, and then you'll be able to be around other people.

It doesn't help that most trans men who get sucked into anti circles are teens at the time. There's 501 proposed anti-LGBT laws right now, not counting everything that has passed, the majority of it anti-trans. If you're a teenage boy seeing all this transphobia on the rise, you're going to feel powerless. Bullying people like antis do makes you feel power over at least a few people. Being told you can consume your way into being a good person via media intake makes you feel like you have power and control over at least that.

I was sucked in incrementally because I wasn't exposed to the more violent antis who fantasized about murder and hurting people for writing fiction, I met my only friend - who was an anti - after my dad had beaten me for coming out as trans, and I was sixteen. I got out when I was eighteen because once I went to live with my mom, a psychologist, she gently corrected me when I would say things that aren't based in fact. She pointed out how upset these people were making me. She taught me how to fact-check claims and look into the veracity of claims.

And when I tried to convey to my friends that no, what they were saying wasn't supported, they turned on me. Including the only person who had been there for me when I was hatecrimed, who had reached out to me specifically because she met me what day. I lost every friend I had in roughly 30 hours.

If I hadn't had a really great mom, a very intelligent rabbi who's well-versed in psychology and is a former lawyer who saw the "fiction made me do it" excuse used to defend heinous crimes and doesn't buy it, and an older half-sister who lived through people calling her a psycho lesbian because she's a lesbian who played D&D, listened to metal and dressed Goth in small-town Montana in the 80's/90's, I would have probably killed myself. Having those three people who accepted me and did not accept this extremist rhetoric kept me sane and repaired my self-esteem enough to keep me going.

But a lot of people don't have three adults who are intelligent, supportive, and know better than to fall for this faux-psychology. A lot of people don't even have one. Often, they have unsupportive people who also believe firmly in the faux-psychology of "if you watch a thing you'll do that thing IRL". So there's not only no one hauling them out of this, it's getting reinforced.

Being a non-anti who is a trans man gets me a lot of shit from a lot of people online and offline. (As other anons have mentioned during the ace discourse, online talking points come up on college campuses and in real life, because the internet is not an alternate dimension, it is something being used by the people around you who exist in the same physical space as you.)

A reality that I don't think people want to discuss is that trans men, just like all other people of all other genders, suffer a lot of psychological distress if they're put in a position where they have no support. I sure as fuck wasn't happy being in a position where I went from having tons of online friends, discord servers I could hang out in and fandoms I associated with good vibes to none of that, plus harassment, plus massive misgendering.

It's a lot less awful of an existence to be a trans man and an anti when you're young and need community and support than it is to not be an anti and be isolated. And humans gravitate towards the least awful option 99% of the time.

--

Yuuup.

Having some kind of real support network, usually offline but at the very least not randos you met a day ago on discord, is vital and is the difference between not only whether you rot in a pit of antidom forever but in stemming the massive flood of trans teen suicides. The overall queer rates aren't great, but the specifically trans rates... they're bad. They're so, so bad.

[heartfullofleeches]

“I've heard dreams are a pleasant escape for some people. Is it strange that all of my dreams revolve around you?"

fucking sobbing i love him so much (dea uses any pronouns right?)

id do everything i can to praise them in any/every way for the smallest things. theyre literally the sweetest. Any input on how they’d react if we just started calling them our spouse/partner out of the blue one day? -zs

[Using he/they for this fic but yes, Dea uses any pronouns. ]

Dea enjoyed grocery shopping with you. While the deity could simply will the ingredients needed for your meals into existence - there was something special about going out in public while at your side. They aren't one to boast about your relationship, but it's nice to have other bare witness of it. Their heart fills with joy whenever a human sees you as potential interest - only to be detered once they see the god lucky enough to reach you first hovering over your shoulder.

The two of you stand in line at checkout when someone calls your name from afar. If you noticed Dea taking a step closer as the familiar face approached you paid no attention to it. They squeeze your hand gently as you engage in conversation with your acquaintance. The god had finally worked up the courage to ask for your hand- Not in marriage, but at least whilst you were out and about. Dea had been quite fortunate when it came to your relationship however they doubted you'd go even to those lengths with them.

Alas - a god could dream-

"So who's this behind you?"

"Oh, right you moved away before I met them. This is Dea.. We've been together for a few years now- They're my spouse."

".S...."

Spouse? Surely they misheard you. Dea felt blessed just being able to hold your hand. Spouse. The word repeats in their head. A beautiful, yet hauntingly cruel title. How could you call them your spouse when they hadn't even presented you with a ring yet? Could they even obtain a piece of jewelry on that would properly convey their eternal devotion to you before you lost interest and moved on? Spouse.. They're you're spouse. What could they have possibly done to deserve this honor?

Your vision distorts as a hitched breath tickles your ear. You look up to see Dea - hiding the glittery tears building in their eyes and the cracks forming along their skin with their robes. You bite pass the dizziness you feel as their physical form slips to grip their hand tighter as they sob.

"Dea...Are you.. okay?"

'I'm fine... I am more than alright, My Grace, I just - got a little overwhelmed. Thank you. Thank you for choosing me. I promise you not a single day will go by without me expressing the depths of my affections towards you. I love you so much."

"I love you too, Dea...." You kiss away their tears, dropping your voice to a whisper.

"But we really have to work on getting you outside without tearing a hole in my reality."

[yangsharperavery]

i do find the contrast between body language/nonverbal communication and verbal communication with these two so fascinating.

especially as carmy and sydney navigate each other in a space where there's clearly something that exists between them that one, or both of them, aren't conscious of yet.

as they struggle so significantly with verbal communication, we see the way they use nonverbal communication via their bodies and mannerisms and facial expressions to convey how they feel and what they want.

what sticks out to me is the way that carmy shakes and nods his head when he and sydney are having a serious, intimate or important conversation.

as if he knows himself well enough to know that his verbal agreement or response would fall short so he simply moves his head in affirmation. letting his energy convey the rest.

this is also part of why he uses his gaze and eye contact the way that he does. he's speaking to her without words.

they often stand so close to one another. like... all the time.

in many of their scenes, one could say this is a stylistic or director's choice for the shot but that makes zero sense because the shots with everyone else don't have that level of physical closeness except for some of the obvious kitchen (behind!) scenes. carmy and sydney's closeness is almost tactile even though they only touch a handful of times.

which is why the wall tear down scene is so amusing because they literally had no reason to be in each others face like that.

carmy got in her space, looked at the demo/the guys before he turned back to sydney, but she only moved away from him after they made eye contact and she said "yeah, exactly".

as if it was super normal for him to be that close to her, whether he was looking at her or not.

the under the table moment is incredibly intimate for a number of reasons. they're already incredibly close because there's not a lot of space under there, but not only do they situate and move their bodies within the confines of that space notating physical proximity, carmy reaches out and fiddles with her side of the table, which posits her energetically directly underneath him. not just beside him.

conceptually, that is almost the closest he could be to her without actively touching her.

nevermind that moments later his fidgeting hand starts to quicken when she looks up at him and they have that moment of prolonged eye contact.

again, a form of nonverbal communication practically shouting. she can't see his hand, but we do.

the wordlessness of that particular moment, especially after they had managed to say some of the most vulnerable, affirming and comforting phrases they'd ever uttered to one another up to that point (their best verbal communication yet), is pretty extraordinary.

when they're talking about the veal fat in s1, and she's reaching over her head and says the right answer and he turns to look at her, they're SO physically close.

when they're cooking at his apt and he's cutting tape, he's so physically close to her, his shoulder is practically leaning into hers when she teases him about the chef's whites.

even in the meeting with cicero, if you look at the three of them sitting behind the table, sydney is closer to carmy than nat and carmy has his arm out, mere centimeters from sydney's elbow.

before they start their back and forth about stars, when sydney says "we're going to be better", their arms are practically touching.

even when she's walking out after saying goodnight and carmy gitches, she walks so close to him to leave. his body fully turns to accommodate and follow her energy, she almost literally physically brushes past him.

claire kind of moves out of the way but sydney walks into carmy's space and he moves his focus/attention with her as she exits.

if you watch it happen, he acquiesces to her energy and presence like a human revolving door. again, nonverbal communication.

the doorframe isn't that narrow. she could have easily said whatever polite thing to claire and not gotten THAT close to carmy to say "i'm saying goodnight."

there are a bunch of examples of their physical closeness that doesn't make sense outside of gravitational pull, a desire to be that close to one another and nonverbal communication.

sydney's body language after the under the table moment and before receiving her gift is also a huge tell, even though it's not directed at, or meant to be communicative towards, him. she's clearly impacted by what occurred.

of the two, i think sydney is the closest to realizing that what exists between them is far beyond professional likeness, purpose or partnership.

the way she's obviously trying not to get mad at him when she says "well tell claire thanks then", you physically can see her stuffing something down.

even carmy can see it, he says something about it. sydney actually does this alot with carmy specifically, ayo is so damn skilled at it.

we've seen her get mean or be reactionary with richie, tina and marcus.

but never carmy. even when she walked out on him s1, in the midst of a highly emotionally volatile scene, she didn't raise her voice.

that's why she doesn't argue with or lash out at carmy, even though it's often warranted, she doesn't want to hurt him. doesn't want to make him feel bad. doesn't want to be angry or annoyed with him.

but why? she has no problem being upfront and direct and again, even argumentative if she needs to be. but never with carmy.

to me, it seems like she doesn't want to display too much emotion with or in front of him.

but why? does the range and depth of those emotions scare her? are they messy? are they warranted? are they illuminating?

sydney is very protective of carmy (and of herself emotionally). see how she reacts when richie talks shit or when her father questions her trust in him. or even when nat makes that snide remark after he gets locked in the walk in.

she cares a lot about carmy's emotional and mental fragility and feelings.

when she came back to "get her check" they don't hash it out or fight. he just stares at her, with this unbridled relief that he can't articulate but we all see it! it's so obvious he can't even start speaking right away.

and then he launches into talking about the dining space for a new restaurant and she forgot why she was mad.

it's like when the person you have a crush on does something cute or sweet and the dumb or mean thing they did right before it completely leaves your mind.

none of this is written in the dialogue of this show. it's all nonverbal communication, toward each other or to us, the audience.

[xserpx]

What makes it so hard to watch Crowley struggle to give words to how he feels at the end is that what he is trying to say is quintessentially ineffable. Words alone aren't enough to describe his love. Not even a kiss can convey what they mean to each other, which is part of why the kiss feels so wrong IMO (among the many other reasons). They love each other, undoubtedly. But the kiss was almost entirely performative, to the point of absurdity.

Throughout the season, they use Jane Austen and Richard Curtis as guides to love, and people give them well-meaning advice, and from an aroace perspective I think it adds up to a sense of amatonormativity - a sense that because they love each other, they must show it, and say it, and give it a name. But again, they're ineffable. What does a kiss really achieve that a touch, or a smile, or putting each other first despite their better judgement doesn't?

It makes me wonder if they'll kiss again in the 3rd season, and whether that will be romantic. I do think it's possible to create a scenario in which it feels right, but at the same time I just think nothing will be more romantic for them than dinner at the Ritz and nightingales singing. Great food, great music, the best company. That's as close to a description of their love as anyone's gonna get.

[anonzentimes]

I've read fanfic where Nagito is jealous because he feels that Hajime thinks (remembers) about Chiaki at various times, but the idea that Nagito might feel guilty is new to me.

But it is true that Nagito might feel lonely or inferior, thinking that Hajime's awakening as Ultimate Hope was thanks to Chiaki and not to him. In my opinion, Hajime is likely to be depressed and mentally unstable even after 3, but Nagito might be afraid to see Hajime like that and speak harsh words to Hajime. Then he would think that if Chiaki were here, she would speak kind words to Hajime and regret that he himself couldn't do the same later.

However, in my personal opinion, what Hajime needs in the post-3 world is someone like Nagito rather than Chiaki, because Hajime has too much 'can do' due to the power of Kamukura's talent.

Chiaki has the mindset that if you do it, you can do it, but post-3 Hajime can do too many things, it will cause him to worry about where to start, and he will become impatient and overwhelmed by the need to use his talents.

Nagito has a very pessimistic view of things and (unless the other person is very talented) has no expectations of the people around him. And he might also have pessimistic opinions about Hajime, for example that he is basically an ordinary man, even though he has the power of Kamukura. But without people around him who think like that, Hajime would think that he can do anything he sets his mind to and try too hard at everything, which would probably lead to his self-destruction. So I hope that at some point Hajime will realise that he can control himself thanks to Nagito being there for him, and that by telling Nagito this, Nagito can gain a little confidence that he can support Hajime from a different perspective to Chiaki's.

Hmm, I may have somewhat forced the story into my interpretation 🤔 Well, at least I don't think Hajime would ever actually wish Chiaki had been here instead of Nagito, and he would rather strongly feel that he doesn't want to lose Nagito as well, even though losing Chiaki was sad enough. I hope that Hajime's feelings will be conveyed to Nagito at some point (for example, when Nagito is dying and Hajime is very desperate to help him) and that he will want to do something for Hajime instead of feeling guilty.

oh my word you turned on the stove and COOKED!!!!!!! This is definitely the kind of thing I was talking about!! :)

To be honest I think it'd be really sweet one way it could be resolved is that Hajime has to say that he loves Nagito and that he wouldn't replace him ever. Sure, he misses Chiaki and loved her but his love is with Nagito and he's so happy even if Nagito's beliefs and mindset are troubling to understand or bad for Nagito.

Like Hajime would have to be like, "Hey, I loved Chiaki, yes, but I love you and I wouldn't replace you for anything. You aren't taking her place" just like try to get it through Nagito's head lol. And maybe Hajime would believe that regardless in some way him and Nagito would fall in love and be happy if nothing Despair ever happened.

They definitely both don't want to lose each other, Hajime having already lost Chiaki, and Nagito having barely any reciprocal relationships besides Hajime and everyone dying around him due to his luck gives a lot of "I don't want it to happen again" for the both of them.

They're different people after Dr2 that experience and trauma of a killing game does a lot to you and at that point of growth, Hajime being him and Izuru, and Nagito having grown a bit more they are really perfect for each other imo.

[dragon-cookies]

First ep of Hazbin Hotel nearly fucking killed me, like it was PAINFUL to sit through. So, I'm gonna list off some general thoughts and critiques

I really, REALLY feel like the angels should've been revealed mid to late-season, this feels like we're seeing the Diamonds in the first season of Steven Universe. And if they don't give a shit about sinners getting into Heaven, what even is the point????

Also WHY does Adam swear and call sinners "cunts" and make god-awful ""jokes"" about male and female "eQuAliTy" when he's supposed to be an ANGEL??????? Why is he allowed to be just as awful as all the demons we see in hell yet still be an angel??? Wouldn't it be more interesting (and a hell of a lot funnier) if the angels were all proper and refined compared to all the sinners and demons?

I also get that Charlie's supposed to be the "naïve but well-meaning" princess archetype, but watching her sing happy musical numbers while stepping over the corpses of the people she claims to care about just feels so god-awfully tone deaf. It just makes her look extremely stupid, and I say that as someone who really liked Charlie in the pilot. Naivety isn't an inherently bad character trait but it needs to be at least somewhat believable. That and she also swears, the same as basically every other character on this show

On a related note, the songs just come out of absolute nowhere. Songs in a musical, as I've heard, start when spoken words are no longer enough to convey an intended emotion, and this show doesn't do ANYTHING to earn the big, glamorous broadway-like numbers they're trying to pull off. Characters will be talking and then suddenly they're singing, that's all the buildup you get. It's like if Gaston just spoke about how he wants to win Belle over and suddenly halfway through his plan he THEN starts singing about it.

Alastor is literally carrying the show solely because he doesn't swear every other word and actually has a modicum of subtlety and intrigue to his character. He's constantly smiling, which make his true emotions difficult to read, and his intentions with the hotel aren't immediately obvious. I swear to god the only times I didn't feel like clawing my eyes out were when he was on screen

I also don't want to nitpick the animation solely because I know the animators were being horribly mistreated and not compensated nearly enough to animate these overly complex character designs. The quality of the animation is definitely suffering though, and it shows.

I am, genuinely not sure if I'm gonna be able to watch the remaining episodes. At least not in one sitting. And this is once again coming from someone who enjoyed the pilot. It had potential, and it just feels like it got absolutely squandered.

[eldritch-spouse]

[There is a poll on this one. Vote]

(It draws late. You're preparing to go to bed, shutting off devices and lowering blinds, eager to get some rest for the day.)

(As you pass by the living room, something makes you linger. It was a feeling, a vibe, hairs sticking up in reaction. For some reason or another, instinct bids you to stare at the table.)

(...)

(There's definitely something sitting across from you. You're not seeing things. There, in the suffocating darkness, an almost familiar figure stands, silent, motionless. You're almost afraid to blink, lest it fade and slink elsewhere into your home.)

(Suddenly, light pierces through that pitch black nothingness.)

" Ah. Greetings. "

(You recognize him.)

" Pardon me, I'm perfectly aware of how this looks, it's not as if I had plans to intrude upon your home. "

(The demonoid seems to hum and fumble for a moment, genuinely awkward.)

" ... But I feel as if we got off on the wrong foot, back then. "

(A silent beat passes.)

" Indeed, my name is Hudsyn. I realize now I should have introduced myself to begin with. That was... My mistake, truly. It has been a while, since I procured people like this. "

" So, I suppose, it's a pleasure to finally meet you, eheh. "

(In spite of his words, he looks uncomfortable, as if expecting you to boot him out of your home at any moment. You'd certainly be justified. Silence reigns for what feels like a small eternity.)

" If my memory serves me right -And it does- You said something about angels back there, didn't you? "

(Hudd finally seems to perk up.)

" By name, I know of two. They're notorious for being connected to the god-entities currently inhabiting the surface. One belongs to the upper echelon, the other... I can't quite place. I know he dwells in that establishment. And that is enough to tell me he's anything but standard. "

(He murmurs.)

" A lot of fuckery in that place... "

" Nevertheless! There is some basis to what you suggested. All angels are, to my knowledge thus far, capable of fluently interpreting siadar dialects. Even the ones they cannot speak themselves. They could, in theory, translate anything for us. "

(The demonoid nods, offering you an almost proud glance.)

" The problem comes when trying to make them... Cooperative, you see? "

(Hudysn points to his own horns, effortlessly conveying that demons and angels aren't the bestest of acquaintances. He seems to deflate, though not for long.)

" I may have an idea in mind. Say, friend, are you willing to lend me a hand for a project of mine? In the future, of course... "

(He patiently waits for your answer, keeping a carefully neutral expression regardless of the immediate outcome, then rearranges his robes.)

" I see. "

" Well, if I'm still welcome in your living space... Perhaps we can converse? I know it's late for your kind... "

[fite-club]

The piss poor definitions of everything in the ace community lead to basically 90% of the world being able to identify as asexual. Asexuality is defined by deviance from the norm, but no one fucking knows what the norm is. If you have less sexual attraction than an 'allo' person, you're grey sexual. How much sexual attraction does an allo person have? Uhh no one knows. It's literally unquantifiable. There's no actual definition for 'allosexual' other than 'normal' or 'average' but then those words are never defined. So you just have to guess what the norm is based on the 3 people you're close enough with to talk about this philosophical stuff about attraction and hypersexualized media where everyone is fucking everyone because it makes for a good sitcom. It's genuinely impossible and that's why so many in the ace community are so confused about where they fall and so insecure about their identity because they're all just guessing.

And god, the label hopping. People find out they actually experience sexual attraction and the ace community does their best to keep them from going away, shoving microlabel after microlabel at them so they never think that maybe they're a dreaded allosexual after all.

one more thing. The ace community is so focused on separating itself from the rest of the world that they make everything more difficult for themselves. They do stuff to deliberately stand out, make awkward jokes about being too enlightened for sex (..while having regular sex half the time), make up weird relationship constructs and get upset that no one wants to be in them. They psych themselves out over feeling attraction and start acting extremely weird because tHatS wHaT tHe aLlOs dO. Plus the extremely unattractive ways they describe why they have sex and then they get upset that no one wants to date them because they say they see their partner as a flesh sex toy. Girl just be normal. Describe yourself as a low libido person and youll be fine i prommy.

that's what i meant by the ace community imploding by being too inclusive, they lost the plot as soon as the split attraction model entered the picture. the experiences of someone who is an "asexual" as in "aroace" as in "someone who wants platonic partnership only" are unique and are shared amongst other people of the same identity. when you open that up, though, suddenly there aren't those shared experiences, and those labels don't convey the same thing. there's no good reason why someone who wants sex would label themselves as asexual, just like there's no good reason why someone who wants sex with someone of the same gender would label themselves as straight. that kind of prescriptive "gatekeeping" is seen as evil by inclusionists but to exclusionists it's just basic reality. if a straight couple identifies as "demisexual", what makes their experiences different from a straight allosexual couple? the fact that neither of them were sexually attracted to each other at first really does not affect the material reality of their lives, to everyone else on earth they are a straight couple that has sex. but if you acknowledge that, you have to acknowledge that those people have privilege and are not lgbt, which ace inclusionists stubbornly refuse to do.

and yeah the worst part is all the teens who get stuck in an echo chamber of "aspec" people, their perception of how others experience attraction and relationships get so warped. like your classmates being awkward after you tell them "i have no interest in sex" isn't because they think you're messed up for being ace, it's because they didn't ask and most likely do not care. you may struggle with your own insecurities about being lonely but you can't just project them as if the norm is that being single is weird

[writingquestionsanswered]

Anonymous asked: I'm writing a dystopian-adventure-fantasy story with non-identical triplets as some of the pov & main characters. I have two questions: 1 - How do I hint at the familial reveal that will happen later in the story since they were raised apart/unaware of each other?

First, before you worry about hinting, make sure that they each have a very different adoption situation, because if you have three orphans who were adopted by three different families, it will be obvious from the start that they're going to turn out to be related. Maybe one of them doesn't know they were adopted and thinks their adoptive parents are their bio parents. Maybe another believes their parents are still alive but traveling the world. And maybe only the third knows something happened to their bio parents and they were adopted. That way, your reader's mind doesn't instantly go to them being separated siblings.

As far as hinting goes, just setting up these situations where it's plausible they were all born to the same parents and separated at birth (or early on) serves as a hint. Other potential hints: the one who knows they're adopted wonders if they have a sibling out there somewhere and if they'd ever be able to find them. The one who doesn't know they're adopted feels like there's some part of them missing somehow. Maybe the one who thinks their parents are out there somewhere finds a box of keepsakes the adoptive parent is saving for them, and in the box they find three of something... like three snips of baby hair... and they ask why there are three and the adoptive parent genuinely doesn't know, but suspects they were clippings from different times in their infancy. Little things like this work great, just be sure not to overdo it. Just one or two things for each character is more than enough.

2 - How do I still convey the themes of found family and bonds over blood (aka "blood isn't the most important thing and doesn't always mean family") with 3 of the 'found family' in the story actually being biologically related.

The difference between family and found family isn't the actual blood... I mean, it can be in situations where there is emphasis on bloodline or where there's a really strong sense of familial kinship. But most of the time the bond is less about the actual blood and more about the fact that this blood relationship foments the bond, because these people have known each other possibly since birth, have grown up together, have family members and familial experiences in common, may have certain genetic things in common, etc. Whereas with found family, the bond isn't because of blood ties or time spent as a result of blood ties, but rather randomly finding each other and choosing to spend time together, choosing to bond, and forging commonalities and shared experiences by choice.

That said, triplets who are separated at birth and find each other again will have some elements of bond through shared blood, shared lineage, and shared genetics, but for the most part their bond will be facilitated as any other found family, through finding each other randomly, choosing to spend time together, choosing to bond, and forging commonalities and shared experiences by choice.

In other words, this situation will be a great way to explore the theme of family vs found family. As far as how to do that, you might want to have some known siblings (or parent/child) in the group as a way to illustrate actual family vs found family, and then some people in the group who aren't related in any way and are purely found family, as a way of illustrating that. Then, the triplets are in the middle helping to explore aspects of both situations.

Happy writing!

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

I’ve been writing seriously for over 30 years and love to share what I’ve learned. Have a writing question? My inbox is always open!

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[relevant-wikipedia-articles]

It's come to my attention that there's something I've neglected to address. On this day, an unknown number of years ago, something very important happened that I believe not enough people know about. While I'm not, and likely won't be, the only one who could have told you, I specifically have been invited to write a post about it and it's both an honour and a privilege. While I understand a short tumblr post such as this can never truly express what an honour it is to receive such an invite, I hope I can at least show a fraction of that honour

For, you see, it isn't about the post, or the image, or however else one can choose to express themselves, but about the emotions that are behind them. Emotions are a very real thing, and, while even the most elaborate method of expressing them can never truly convey to another what one is feeling, we can't forget that those emotions are still there. Even in the cases where those emotions are behind a few simple words that are used by convention, we can't forget that, even when the noun phrase the words themselves make up don't make a proper sentence, let alone explicitly express emotion, there still can be a multitude of emotions behind those words, and, in many cases, there are

And don't get me wrong, those emotions aren't always positive. There are times when they're negative, and we can't forget that. However, I can assure you, @yes-im-youtube-kids, without even the shadow of a doubt, that the emotions behind the the words sent to you on this date, which happens to coincide with that of your birth, are not only full of positive, but are full of an indescribable love and affection that no combination of words, images, or anything else could express. That is why I hope you'll understand that I, and so many others, mean so much more when we say happy birthday

[jitterbugjive]

I hate that people can easily find the stupid and shitty things I said and did over 5 years ago and jump to the conclusion that that's who I am, and there's no easy way for anyone to see all the efforts I've been making since then to NOT be that person. It's hard to find all my apologies and explanations because I didn't tag them all properly. I've tried time and time again to explain that I was mimicking the behavior bad adults gave me when I was growing up and that no one really called me out on that behavior until it was too late. I've tried to explain that since then I've been going through extensive therapy to separate bad learned behavior from who I want to actually be. There's so much more to this whole story than what one small chunk of the internet is making it out to be. People who actually know me know that this has been eating me up constantly and that I am always living in fear of losing everything to this drama.

especially since some of that info takes quotes out of context, jumps to conclusions that aren't true, or flat out lies about what certain artworks are depicting or meaning to convey (Like claiming a grown ass adult is a child even tho I have proof the character looks totally different as an adult than as a child, or claiming that a shock piece meant to make people reel back in horror was a fetish when it was not at all that)

It takes clips of things without the full picture and puts words in my mouth.

Here's a little something about how I used to talk about sore subjects: I would make a controversial sounding statement, but then I would explain myself in a way that would show the statement wasn't as bad as I was making it out to be. A lot of the time they just take that bad statement and paste it for the world to see, without giving any of that context of me explaining why I said that and why it's not what it sounds like.

I wish people were smart enough to spot cherry picking when they see it, but they just aren't. They'll see one sentence, and someone saying "look they're supporting this bad thing" and that's all they need to think that's what it is. People aren't smart enough to really ask questions and try to understand a situation, all they want is face value to tell them how to think and feel.

People aren't going to bother to listen to me because I'm "the bad guy" and I'll "say anything to cover my ass".

Listen, if I was really that horrible of a person, don't you think there would be more evidence out there that is very clear and blunt and not just making assumptions on what a thing means?

I'm never gonna sit here and say what I said and did wasn't wrong, it was, but it was not done because I was trying to be a terrible person or prey on anyone. It was because I was insanely misguided by someone who groomed me for 5 years since childhood and then abused me for another 3 in a really toxic relationship. And then I never got HELP for it, I never got therapy to cope with it, I never even realized until way later that 'holy shit this person was 7 years older than me and was taking advantage of me the whole time'. Like I knew they were abusive but adults being friends with children was so normalized in my head, and throughout my life many adults or older kids exposed me to things I shouldn't have been and it skewed in my head what was appropriate behavior or not. Or what was okay to draw or not. And a lot of my opinions were formed around this adult who convinced me things like loli/shota were fine as long as they were strictly made up, and he fed me a lot of nonsense about what does and doesn't make a predator to cover his own ass. I was seriously fucked up almost beyond repair for a long time.

I have a warning on my blog now that minors shouldn't be following me, I make it a point to not ever work with minors on projects or talk to a minor in any capacity beyond a fan to artist relationship. I understand now that it is my responsibility as a NSFW artist that I simply cannot have minors as friends. And being much older now I don't even want minors as friends anyway. When I was in my early 20s the age gap didn't feel as bad but I'm definitely feeling it now and I just don't want to deal with minors any more.

I'm not a danger to anyone, I'm not spewing apologetics for horrible people, I've been doing my best to be a much better and more informed person

And I have no easy way to prove any of it in a way that will matter

I'm only talking about this now because once again I was kicked out of something because someone found that old info and that was all it took. No one cares about my side of things.

And I don't know if this will ever go away

I don't know if I'll ever find any amount of comfortable success because I can't get rid of this shit and on the internet it doesn't matter how long ago you did something or how much you've changed, you did it and therefor you're bad forever.

I hate this shit so much.

[butmakeitgayblog]

Did Clarke feel like she was cheating on awtr Lexa when she kissed someone different after her passing?

The first time Clarke kisses someone else it feels like she's losing Lexa all over again

It was bad enough that she actually throws up.

She hadn't even planned it. It was a moment of weakness that caught her off-guard. She'd just wanted to go out for a drink for something to do. Had learned her lesson by then that staying home and drinking by herself never led to anything good.

It felt good just to feel something again.

The girl was pretty. Nice enough, Clarke had to say. Someone from her local coffee shop who had been flirty since the second day she'd started. All of 29 with a gentle smile and a confidence that conveyed that she was someone used to getting exactly what she wanted. And for some reason, what she seemed to want was a night out with Clarke.

And Clarke's been so lonely. Can't even remember the last time she'd anything other than work, study, and sleep. Her body misses the feeling of being wanted. And it doesn't mean she has to actually do anything.

That's what she tells herself at least.

The girl picks her up and tells her she's taking her for a night of dancing. Says they're young and hot and she really wants to "see what that body can do." The brazen comment makes Clarke's stomach lurch unpleasantly. Her immediate thought is how hard Lexa would've rolled her eyes at such a tacky pick-up line, but she smothers that thought as immediately as it comes. She can't think about her wife while on this date-not-date. It's easier to let the woman think the puff of laughter was for her benefit anyway.

She never asks Clarke about the ring on her finger.

Clarke doesn't offer details about it either.

That both soothes Clarke's nerves when she settles into her seat at the bar and sets her teeth just a little on edge.

So the girl is pretty, and easy to talk to. Friendly with, it seemed, a large portion of the staff. She orders them drinks and insists on paying and looks so pleased with her herself when she gets Clarke to lift her whiskey sour in a cheers. They talk about work and what the other studied in school, chat about the weather and where they've traveled for vacation. They relay their wildest nights of ill-spent youths, trading stories of partying and hangovers.

Clarke wonders if she'd ever been the type to read a book in a bar.

She ultimately keeps that question to herself.

One drink leads to two, which leads Clarke being led out onto the dancefloor. A third drink has Clarke accepting hands on her hips and humid puffs of breath along her neck.

And in the haze of the beat and the crowd and the whiskey, she lets go for just for a moment. Let's herself forget for just one second.

That's all it takes for the whole world to come crashing back in.

Because when she pulls back and sees this fucking stranger staring her with her hunger, all she can think is how her eyes aren't aren't even close to the right shade of green. Her hands burn against brunette hair that isn't nearly as soft as it should be and her mouth doesn't taste like sweet peppermint tea. Clarke's stomach turns at how her tongue is too rough. How she doesn't smell like old books, flowers, and coffee. How her hands aren't the right kind of lovingly possessive.

This woman is not her wife and she never will be and suddenly in that sea of gyrating bodies, Clarke can't breathe.

She doesn't even say anything to the poor woman who really hasn't done anything wrong. It doesn't matter. Clarke kind of hates her in that moment for all of it. Hates her for asking her out and not being her wife and for making Clarke forget. She shoves out of her arms and out of the crowd and is out of the door without a single word. The vice of her ribcage is too tight to pull in any of the cigarette scented air, and before Clarke can really do anything more than clutch a hand to wrenching feeling splitting open her chest, she's spilling the entire contents of their evening across the pavement.