#by putting everyone in a bad mood and potentially risking our house and their lives

[latenight-dnd]

Feeling like a big fucking stupid idiot brain moron. Therapists be like “oh set alarms so u remember tasks, it’ll cure ur adhd” but then I am cooking and I set the alarm to go turn off the stove and then the alarm goes off but I’m doing a task so I turn the alarm off and say I’ll do it after the task and BAM. Adhd strikes. I have forgotten the task, or that there ever was an alarm. My house is full of smoke.

[purplehairedwonder]

Hearts With(out) Chains Chapter 10

Fandom: One Piece Rating: PG-13 Pairings: Gen (eventual Lawlu) Words: 3233 Characters: Trafalgar Law, Monkey D. Luffy, Nico Robin, Usopp, Zoro, Nami, Franky, Smoker, Tashigi, Vergo, Heart Pirates Note: I’m taking my turn at the Corazon!Law AU because my brain won’t leave me alone until this is written down. Tags will be updated as the chapters come out.

The story title is based on the Ellie Goulding song “Hearts Without Chains.”

Summary: Law is reclaimed by the Family when he's 17 and, with Doflamingo holding the lives of his crew as collateral for his good behavior, eventually becomes the third Corazon. Years later, trapped by his impossible situation, Law finds a strange connection to Monkey D. Luffy, which offers a glimpse of something he's repeatedly had ripped away from him: hope.

Previous chapters: Prologue | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9

Read also at AO3 / FF.N

When Law ended the call, Bepo felt his heartrate picking up as he considered what his friend had said. Bepo didn’t know where Law was—he kept so much to himself anymore and had practically fled when he, Shachi, and Penguin had confronted him on his way out of Dressrosa—but Vergo following him from Dressrosa was bad news. Everyone in the Family knew there was bad blood between the first and current Corazons, though not everyone knew why.

Bepo did, having seen the aftermath of the wounds Vergo had caused when he and Law had first met. Shachi and Penguin were the only others—except Violet, Bepo supposed—in whom Law had confided that history.

What Bepo couldn’t figure out was why Doflamingo would believe Law had defected, considering his entire crew was still on Dressrosa; Law would never risk them like that. Doflamingo saw to it that Law would not (could not) betray him. But if Law was worried enough to warn them, Vergo must have some trump card.

Not for the first time, Bepo wished Law had brought backup on his mission, whether it was him, Shachi, and Penguin or any of the other Hearts. Bepo’s captain was too willing to go at it alone when he didn’t have to—and now he was in trouble because of it. All the Hearts could do was be his backup in Dressrosa, waiting for his return and whatever that might bring.

Still, as Bepo scoured the Hearts’ rooms and the most likely hang out spots around the palace for his nakama, a part of him was lighter in relief. The Law on the other end of the Den Den Mushi had sounded familiar; he’d sounded like Bepo’s captain and best friend, who Bepo hadn’t heard in two years. Law had locked himself away since Shachi lost his arm, drowning in guilt and refusing all attempts to bring him out of his self-made prison. It had pained them all to watch helplessly as he pulled away, becoming a shadow of himself in a misguided effort to protect them.

But Bepo had known that his best friend—strong, brave, and loyal—was still in there, under all the guilt and pain.

And he’d been right.

Bepo’s best friend had been the one to call his nakama in the middle of a mission to warn them of potential danger while promising to return for them despite the obvious danger doing so presented.

Bepo had missed Law, and now he’d do whatever he could as first mate to support his captain and look after their nakama.

It took about half an hour, but Bepo finally managed to gather his crewmates in Bepo’s room. He knew they wouldn’t be overheard here, as Law regularly checked the Hearts’ rooms for surveillance Den Den Mushi. The small bedroom was not designed to house twelve people, but the Hearts were used to confined spaces.

“What’s going on, Bepo?” Shachi asked once everyone had arrived and the door had been shut firmly behind them.

“Law called,” Bepo replied. He refused to use the title the Family used for Law when speaking only among the Hearts. He was also not surprised by the concern that his pronouncement elicited.

“Is he okay?”

“Where is he?”

“What’s going on?”

Bepo held up a paw, and once his nakama had quieted, he relayed what Law had told him. Bepo knew frustratingly little about his captain’s situation, so when his nakama burst into questions, Bepo had no answers for them. No, he didn’t know where Law was, though he must be close because he’d only left that morning. No, he didn’t know what Law’s mission was or why Vergo was there. No, no, no, he didn’t know.

“He said he worried Vergo would tell Doflamingo he’d failed or defected,” Bepo reminded his nakama. “He didn’t know that Vergo did for sure. But he wants us to be careful in case he did.”

“Would Doflamingo believe Vergo about this?” Jean Bart asked, looking at the crew who’d been around the Family longest.

Shachi, Penguin, and Bepo exchanged glances and shrugged. Doflamingo’s moods were impossible to predict.

“Vergo is Doflamingo’s most trusted agent,” Penguin said. The intimacy of that relationship was common knowledge within the Family. “But Doflamingo also knows about the bad blood between him and Law.”

“He must also know Law left all of us here,” Shachi added. “He knows Law wouldn’t risk us.”

“Then what are we missing?” Ikkaku asked, glancing at Bepo. “What had Law so worried about Vergo lying?”

There was no answer to that. But Bepo had heard the worry in Law’s voice and the seriousness in his warning. Whatever Law was keeping to himself must be quite persuasive.

“What do we do now?” Uni asked.

“Head for the Tang,” Clione muttered.

“We can’t act like we know anything is wrong,” Penguin said, ignoring him. “We’d raise suspicions and make Law look guilty otherwise.”

“But we need to keep an eye on each other,” Shachi added.

Bepo nodded. This is what he had promised Law; they would take care of themselves, so Law didn’t have to worry about them in addition to Vergo and whatever his mission was.

“Stay close,” Bepo said. The Hearts had their own wing of the palace, complete with common area, kitchen, and training rooms, so they didn’t often need to leave; the isolation suited them just fine since they, being loyal to Law rather than Doflamingo, felt out of place from the rest of the Family. “And if you need to leave, take a buddy.”

Normally, someone would have cracked a joke about the buddy system, but the concern on the air was heavy enough to stay even Shachi’s tongue. Instead, everyone nodded in response. They would take no chances; they’d seen what happened to traitors to the Donquixote Family. There was nothing to be done other than stay on their toes and wait to hear from their captain.

-----

Law entered the lab the same way he had when he’d first arrived, Shambling through the back entrance into the darkened hallway. He headed for the control room, unsure of what he would find. He thought his bootsteps echoed more loudly than he remembered from a few hours earlier, but he knew he was just imagining it. He tightened his grip on Kikoku and kept walking until he saw light.

Once he and Straw Hat had shaken on their agreement to team up, Nico Robin had returned Kikoku, the nodachi suddenly appearing in Law’s vision as a disembodied hand offered her to him. Law managed to suppress a surprised flinch and took the blade with a nod to the woman, who smiled at him in that unsettling way of hers. Still, a feeling of calm had settled over him with the return of Kikoku’s familiar presence; she was an old friend, after all.

Between Law and the Straw Hats, they had two separate goals on Punk Hazard: stop Vergo and save the children. Law wasn’t particularly concerned with the second goal, but the Straw Hats were set on it and Law would do what he needed to in order to help his nakama.

That put Vergo, Caesar, Monet, and Caesar’s men in their way. G-5 was a wildcard. Though the Marines had entered the lab with the other half of the Straw Hats, there was no telling how long that tenuous alliance would last, especially with Vergo on the island.

Law had no way of knowing if Vergo had called Doffy yet, though he had to operate on the assumption that he had; anything else would only get him—and his crew—killed faster. As for whether Vergo had shown his face in the lab, that was another story. While Caesar and Monet would be friendly to Vergo, Law also knew that the vice admiral would go out of his way to avoid blowing his cover with the Marines. The other man was of most use to Doffy in his elevated position among the Marines and wouldn’t blow fifteen years of undercover work just for his grudge against Law. With that in mind, it was entirely possible Vergo was remaining hidden and waiting for his chance to capture Law and bring him back in shackles to Dressrosa without being seen.

Knowing the importance of doing recon before setting any plan in motion, Law had convinced the Straw Hats to let him go back to the lab alone and see where he stood and see what he could find out about Vergo and the rest of the Straw Hats. They’d been hesitant, but Law had held firm that it made the most sense for him to go on his own.

“What if Vergo did out you?” Black Leg asked. “You’d be a sitting duck by yourself.”

“I can handle Vergo,” Law replied. Now that he wasn’t hindered by Seastone anyway.

“But what about all the other guys?” Straw Hat asked. “You shouldn’t go alone.”

“It’ll raise more suspicion if we’re together,” Law countered.

“But if you need help—”

“What about a Den Den Mushi?” Long Nose interrupted. Everyone turned to look at him, and he shrugged uncomfortably but kept speaking. “If he,” he said, jerking his head at Law, “calls our ship’s Den Den Mushi and leaves the line open, we can hear what’s going on.”

“And we can come if Torao needs us!” Straw Hat concluded, satisfied. “Let’s do it,” he said, pumping his fist.

Law had rolled his eyes, but that was how he’d ended up with his Den Den Mushi’s line open to the Straw Hats’ as it sat in his coat pocket. He’d warned Straw Hat not to be noisy on the other end of the line or he’d blow Law’s cover, and the others had promised to keep him quiet. (Law hadn’t been particularly reassured but didn’t have much choice but to continue anyway.) The Straw Hats were stationed outside the lab out of surveillance range, listening as Law entered the control room.

Law blinked as he stepped inside, taking a moment to let his eyes adjust to the bright light before glancing around. The room appeared empty. Where were Caesar and Monet? It looked like he’d need to head further into the lab.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out the Den Den Mushi. He opened his mouth to update the Straw Hats on what he’d found, but a familiar voice cut him off.

“Corazon? What the hell are you doing here?”

Law’s gaze followed the voice to the far wall, and he blinked in surprise at a large cage partially hidden in the shadows. He didn’t remember that being there before, but he hadn’t studied the room carefully upon his arrival either. He pocketed the snail and meandered over to the cage, raising an eyebrow when he saw what was inside.

Or, rather, who was inside.

Smoker was the one who had spoken. His eyes were narrowed as he eyed Law from his prone position, chained with what was undoubtedly Seastone chain.

“How’d you get here?” the swordswoman growled at Law from next to her boss.

“Where’s Luffy?” the cat burglar demanded.

Law simply watched the group, considering. Smoker, his second, the cat burglar, Zoro, and the cyborg had apparently all been captured by Caesar and were left chained in this cage. That left the tanuki and skeleton as well as the remaining G-5 soldiers somewhere in the base. He was considering what Caesar might want with them and what this meant for Vergo’s position when the cat burglar interrupted his thoughts.

“Say something, would you?” she sneered when Law remained quiet. “What did you do to Luffy?”

“Nothing,” Law replied, turning toward her. Though he could see why she would assume he had. “We…” he began, considering how to describe what had happened, “came to an agreement.”

“What kind of agreement?” Zoro asked, his one-eyed gazing piercing. He didn’t sound as disbelieving as the cat burglar did, though his attention was focused fully on Law now.

“Was that Nami and Zoro?”

Everyone started at the sound of Straw Hat’s muffled voice coming from Law’s pocket.

“Luffy?” the cat burglar called.

Law sighed and pulled the Den Den Mushi from his pocket. “Your crew seems to have gotten themselves captured, Straw Hat-ya,” Law informed him.

“What?” Straw Hat yelped. “Are you guys okay? We’re coming!”

“Wait, Luffy!” Long Nose interrupted. “What’s going on there, Torao? Is that guy there?”

“Torao?” the swordswoman asked, confused.

Law ignored her. “There was no one in the lab except your captured friends,” he said toward the snail. He looked back to the prisoners. “What happened?”

“Caesar,” Smoker growled.

“Is that Smokey?” Straw Hat asked.

“He did something to air when we confronted him about the children,” the vice admiral explained. “Woke up here after that.”

“What about Monet?” Law asked. “The woman,” he clarified when the others looked at him blankly.

“Brook and I were fighting her before I blacked out,” Zoro said.

“Whatever the clown did to the air probably didn’t affect him since he’s a skeleton,” the cat burglar said thoughtfully. “No lungs.”

Law knew Monet was dangerous, having gone on numerous missions with her before she’d been sent to Punk Hazard, so if the skeleton could keep her occupied while they took care of Vergo, that would be helpful.

“Where’s the tanuki?” Law asked.

“He’s a reindeer,” Zoro and the cat burglar replied, along with some garbled voices from the Den Den Mushi.

Law rolled his eyes. “Whatever. He’s not here with you.”

“He was looking for the lab to find out what the clown had done to the children,” the swordswoman said. “They must not have found him yet.” She narrowed her eyes at him. “Do you know what they’re doing to the children?”

Law shrugged, uninterested. “No.”

“You’re Donquixote’s second, you must know everything that’s going on,” Smoker countered.

“You may be surprised to know that I don’t have intimate knowledge of every project Doflamingo has going on,” Law countered coolly. The fact was, Doffy simply had too many ongoing schemes for any one executive to know all about. They all had specific projects they oversaw for Doffy, and Punk Hazard was Vergo’s. Law knew the general outline of the SAD manufacturing on the island, but that was about it.

“You still haven’t answered what kind of agreement you and Luffy came to,” Zoro interrupted.

Law turned back to him, but it was Straw Hat who answered over the open line. “We’re going to help Torao save his nakama from Mingo!”

“What?” the cat burglar sputtered.

Zoro narrowed his eye. “What are you talking about, Luffy?”

There was some shuffling on the other end of the line before Nico Robin spoke up. “One of Doflamingo’s agents is on the island and is threatening Corazon and his crew. Luffy has decided he wants to help.”

“Why?” the cat burglar demanded, glaring at Law. “He tried to kill us. He works for a man experimenting on kids.”

Looks like that had stopped bothering Law a long time ago, so he simply returned her look evenly.

“But he doesn’t want to,” Straw Hat said. “Torao’s a good guy!”

“Luffy—” Zoro started, but his captain cut him off.

“He saved me, Zoro.”

There was some meaning in those words that Law didn’t fully comprehend, but Zoro apparently did, his mouth snapping shut. He closed his eye, leaned back against the cell wall, and nodded grudgingly. “Fine,” he grumbled.

The cat burglar looked at him in disbelief. “You’re just going to go along with this?” she demanded. She looked like she could have smacked him if she hadn’t been bound.

It seemed the cat burglar was the member of the crew with the ounce of common sense Law had been wondering about.

“He’s the captain, witch,”

Zoro commented without opening his eye.

She huffed. “Luffy, he’ll betray you.”

“Nope,” Straw Hat replied. “He won’t.”

The cat burglar eyed Law suspiciously. “How can you be so sure?”

“As of now,” Law said before Straw Hat could speak, “our goals align. It’s in the best interest of me and my nakama not to betray you all.”

“How reassuring,” she sneered.

“Nami.”

She looked back at the Den Den Mushi. “Luffy—”

“Do you trust me, Nami?”

She startled at that. “Of course.”

“Then trust me. Please.”

After a long moment, she sighed and nodded, the tension in her frame deflating. “Fine.”

Even the cat burglar, it seemed, could be swayed by the will of her captain.

The Will of D., Law couldn’t help but think.

“Now what, Torao?” Straw Hat asked.

Rather than answer, Law dropped the snail back into his pocket then held his hand up and opened a Room large enough to encompass the cage. He unsheathed Kikoku and sliced the bars open. The sound was finally enough to wake the cyborg, who startled into consciousness. He yelped at the sight of Law above them, sword in hand, but the cat burglar murmured something to him, and he quieted down.

Law stepped inside, and, with three quick slices, three sets of chains fell to the ground as Law freed the Straw Hats. They pushed themselves to their feet and, stretching their cramped muscles, filed out past Law. For his part, Law eyed Smoker and the captain.

“Now, what to do with the two of you?”

Smoker glowered at Law while the swordswoman watched him warily. As far as Law was concerned, they could sit here and rot, but as a fellow vice admiral, Smoker could be good leverage against Vergo, if the bastard showed his face. Anything that made things more complicated for Vergo was a good move in Law’s book. That didn’t mean he couldn’t make them sweat a bit first, though.

“Go ahead and kill us, pirate,” Smoker sneered. “Finish what you started earlier. See what happens to your boss when it gets out that his second killed a vice admiral.”

Law decided not to mention he’d been sent to Punk Hazard to kill Smoker in the first place.

“No!” the swordswoman said. “Please, let us go.”

“Tashigi,” Smoker hissed. “Don’t beg for your life from a pirate! Where’s your pride?”

But rather than be cowed, she glared right back at him. “There are innocent children on this island that need help. It’s our duty to rescue them, so if begging for my life will help me save those children, then I’ll gladly do it!”

Law was grudgingly impressed with her resolve. “It seems she’s smarter than you, White Chase-ya.” Smoker growled wordlessly at Law, but Law pressed on. “Your presence on the island is, ironically, useful to me now, so I’m willing to let you go. On one condition.”

“What’s that?” Smoker demanded.

“Not a word of this alliance between myself and the Straw Hats to anyone. If it gets out, I will come find you.”

“Fine,” the swordswoman agreed in her boss’s place. “Now let us go.”

“Alliance?” a new voice said.

Law stiffened. Shit. He turned to see Vergo standing in the doorway to the front entrance of the room.

“Doffy didn’t believe me before that you’re a traitor, but now he’ll have it in your own words, Law.”

Next chapter

[nerdzzone]

Light After Dark: Chapter One

Summary: Brooke Harris was trying her best to be grateful. As the world tackled the COVID-19 pandemic, she was healthy and safe and so was the rest of her family, but her dreams had very quickly been crushed by the economic fallout. Trapped on the quaint island of Jersey with nothing, but free time to wallow in her mistakes, Brooke’s mental health was taking a hit, but when she collides with a handsome stranger she starts to realize that the future might not be so bleak and there might still be a light at the end of the tunnel.

Pairing: Henry Cavill x OFC

______________

April. 12. 2020

Stress.

Everyone was feeling it these days. Pandemics will do that to people. Especially when the world that everyone knew and loved had crumbled into an entirely different, almost unrecognizable version of itself.

Restaurants were closed. All stores that were deemed non-essential were shuttered. The streets were empty.

It was an odd kind of bittersweet. It was heartbreaking to see all the bustling cities turn into ghost towns, but it was good because it meant that people were listening. People were caring about their vulnerable friends and neighbours, their elderly grandparents, the health care workers who fought tirelessly to save those who needed their help. 

It was a necessary evil, but nevertheless it was odd to see and the uncertainty of how the future would unfold was anxiety inducing.

At first, I wanted as much news as possible. Staying informed of everything happening in every affected country gave me some comfort. It was as if it somehow gave me more control, but I quickly realized that wasn't the case. It gave me no clearer indication of how or when things would end or when some kind of normality would return. It left me overwhelmed and drowning in hypothetical worse case scenarios when really the truth was that no one had any idea. Even the experts couldn't say what would happen next. It was all just guess work and while some of it was educated, most of the articles were not and it was turning me into a nervous wreck.

So I decided to disconnect. I decided to trust that I would be informed when the number of cases dropped and the lockdown was lifted and trust that the process would not be sped up by me consuming as many statistics and projections as I could find.

Turning off was hard though. I wasn't one of the lucky few who could simply do their job from home, I had nothing to fill my days. I had also chosen to isolate with my parents in the lovely house they'd bought a few years earlier on the beautiful island of Jersey. In some ways this was a lucky choice as the risk was far lower than in London where I was living, but it was quaint and the lack of hustle and bustle made me feel even more restless.

Which was how I found myself out exploring the trails. 

My mother had kicked me out of the house when she caught me doing one of my niece’s art projects for her out of boredom. My niece hadn't wanted to do it anyway, so I didn't see the harm, but my mother had reminded me that she was seven and didn't get to just opt out of schoolwork if she wasn't in the mood. She then cited some article she'd found about how the government were still encouraging people who were feeling cooped up to go outside to exercise once a day and tossed me my shoes and bag before pushing me to the door.

I'd wandered sulkily at first, frustrated that at thirty I was in a situation that had my mother tossing me outside the way she did when we were kids and our endless energy was getting on her nerves. But I soon realized she was right. It was a beautiful island and I should appreciate the opportunity to explore it. So I found a map, picked a destination and then hiked for almost an hour until I'd reached the viewing point I was looking for.

I had to admit it was a beautiful view as I looked out over the ocean, sitting on the little bench I'd found, but the peace it brought was short-lived. I started wondering if I really should have sat down at all considering I had no idea who had been there before me. My legs were tired so I had figured it was worth the risk as long as I didn't touch anything, but was it really?

Sighing into the mask that covered my face, it struck me again how strange the world currently was. Two months ago, I wouldn't have thought twice about sitting on a public bench or worried what would happen if another group joined me in the little clearing I'd found, but now every stranger was a potential threat.

I quickly grew frustrated with my negative thoughts. The walk was supposed to get me out of my head and I was annoyed that I couldn't shake it, couldn't think of anything else except the stupid pandemic for even just a few minutes. The mask on my face suddenly felt suffocating and I just wanted to get home so I could rip it off.

Rising from the bench, I checked the time on my phone before tossing it back into my bag with a sigh and heading off down the trails. I was in a world of my own as I walked. Day dreams about how things would be now if none of this had ever happened filled my head and then, when the inescapable reality broke through my thoughts, I pondered what kind of new cocktail I could try when I got home to ease the pang of loss that seemed to constantly fill my stomach.

I was in the midst of drooling over a prosecco and elder flower concoction that I'd recently read a recipe for when suddenly it felt like I was hit by a truck.

I landed on the ground, flat on my back, fighting to breathe as the wind was knocked right out of me. My chest was tight and my vision was blurry as I felt a familiar panic rising in my chest. Did I bring my inhaler? Where was my bag? What had even happened?

As the thoughts raced through my mind, I could vaguely hear the sound of someone next to me.

"Are you alright?" They asked, their tone conveying a similar panic to the one I was feeling. "Shit, I'm so sorry. Are you okay? Can you hear me?"

I nodded as the spasm in my chest subsided, but my weak lungs seemed to struggle to recover from the shock. I coughed into my mask as I forced myself to sit up, looking frantically for my bag and spotted it a few feet off to the side. My breath was coming out in short wheezes as I struggled to move closer to it, but the man was much faster. He thrust it into my arms, watching me like a worried puppy as I quickly dug through it.

Relief flooded through me as my hand wrapped around my inhaler and I quickly pulled down my mask as I pressed it against my lips. It took a few moments, but I felt myself calm down as the tightness began to subside and my body relaxed. It wasn't until I'd taken a few deep breaths that the man spoke again.

"Are you alright?" He repeated, clearly realizing I was in a much better position to actually give a response. "I'm so sorry."

I nodded as I finally took a good look at who I was talking to and suddenly felt like I couldn't breathe again for an entirely different reason. He had a baseball hat pulled low on his head, probably in an attempt to hide his identity, but it didn't work as I realized I was face to face with Superman himself, Henry Cavill.

"Y-yeah, I'm, uh, I'm fine, thanks," I sputtered out. "What happened?"

Henry rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly as he squatted next to where I was sitting on the dusty trail.

"I was running and I crashed into you," He admitted. "I wasn't paying attention and didn't see you around the corner."

"Oh," I nodded, still trying to come to terms with the situation. "I wasn't paying attention either to be fair. It's not your fault."

He pulled a face that made it clear that he didn't necessarily agree with that statement, but he didn't argue.

"Are you really alright?" He asked again, guilt written all over his face. "You fell really hard and then you weren't breathing. I thought I'd killed you."

I snorted a laugh, quickly covering my face as it turned into a cough.

"I'm okay," I insisted, my voice raspy. "And for the record I don't have that stupid virus either. I have asthma. I think I got winded when I fell and it triggered an attack."

"Shit," Henry rubbed his face nervously. "So I almost did kill you."

"Nah," I smiled, appreciating how genuinely bad he felt about the situation. "You can't be blamed for my broken lungs."

He chuckled and flashed me a smile before standing and holding out a hand for me. I took it happily, but once he'd pulled me to my feet another issue became apparent. As soon as I put weight on my left foot, I crumbled into Henry's arms, gasping in pain.

"Whoa, I got you," He soothed as he caught me. "What hurts?"

"My ankle," I groaned, shifting all my weight to my right foot and off of him.

Henry's brow furrowed in thought before his eyes widened like a little light bulb had gone off in his brain.

"There's a park nearby," He informed me. "Can I take you there and look it?"

I raised an eyebrow as I hopped slightly to keep my balance.

"I don't remember the Superman movie where Clark Kent went to medical school."

There was a brief flash of surprise on his face when he realized I knew who he was, but it disappeared almost instantly as he chuckled and shot me a smirk.

"I can't say that he did," He confirmed. "But as someone who had to stay in pretty decent shape for that role, I'm more familiar than I care to admit with sports injuries."

"I don't think being bowled over by a man with muscles bigger than my head counts as a sport," I matched his smirk. "But I would appreciate your opinion if you don't mind looking at it. It hurts quite badly and I'm clueless with this stuff."

"Of course," Henry nodded. "Ready?"

Before I could even answer, Henry had one arm tucked under the back of my knees and was holding me bridal style in his arms. I gasped quietly at suddenly being lifted off the ground, but my surprise quickly turned into awe at the ease with which he had picked me up and how he was now walking quickly down the trail as if I weighed nothing at all. It had been far too long since I'd been in a position this intimate with a man and my mouth suddenly felt dry as his biceps flexed under my back and I couldn't help, but imagine what they would look like if we were in other intimate positions.

Stopping those thoughts as fast as they appeared, I pulled my mask up to hide my reddening cheeks.

"We are definitely not six feet apart..."

My mumbled words were muffled even more by the mask covering my mouth, but the shake of Henry's shoulders as he chuckled and the wink that he shot me made it obvious that he'd heard me loud and clear.

****

"Alright, well, it's pretty swollen, but I don't think it's broken," Henry informed me as he sat on the bench of the picnic table he'd placed me on. He'd spent a few minutes wiggling my foot around, watching my response before announcing his opinion. "I think it's probably just twisted or sprained."

"There goes my dancing career." I sighed dramatically in an attempt to make it clear I was joking, but the slight drop of Henry's jaw and the guilt that riddled his face meant I'd missed the mark. "Kidding! I'm kidding. My lack of coordination killed that dream when I was a child. I'm a baker. Or rather, I was a baker."

Henry quirked an eyebrow at my change of phrasing.

"Decided on a career change?"

I looked down, wishing I hadn't brought it up in the first place. I was starting to accept the way things were, but it wasn't something I was eager to discuss just yet.

"I didn't get a chance to decide really," I started to explain, my voice suddenly coming out much meeker than it had before. "The pandemic kinda made the choice for me."

"Oh," Henry frowned. "Well, it can't go on forever. I'm sure they'll start letting places reopen by the summer."

"Not my place," I smiled half-heartedly in an attempt to hide some of the self-pity I was wallowing in. "I put all my eggs in one basket...A basket which the pandemic then threw off a cliff."

Henry chuckled at my explanation, but there was sympathy on his face.

"Is there no chance you could pick up where you left off?"

I sighed, but shook my head.

"I opened my own bakery in January," I admitted. "I barely had it up and running when the pandemic hit and with my asthma, I'm pretty vulnerable so I closed up shop as soon as things started heading south. I sunk all my savings into it though so I don't have enough to keep it a float. I was past the point of no return after only a few weeks of being shut."

Henry was quiet for a moment and I felt a wave of embarrassment wash over me as I realized that I'd massively overshared my problems with a stranger who was simply trying to make polite conversation. I opened my mouth to spout out some apologies when Henry cut me off.

"I'm very sorry to hear that."

His eyes met mine as he spoke and even though it was a simple sentence, it put me at ease. His eyes were warm and comforting and it was clear there was sincerity to his words. Not wanting to burden him too much though, I simply shrugged.

"It could be worse," I pointed out. "I'm healthy, my family are all healthy. People have lost a lot more to this virus than I have."

"Just because people have lost more, it doesn't make you loss insignificant."

I had heard his words before and I appreciated the sentiment, but it still felt hard to grieve for a lost business when an incomprehensible number of people were grieving for lost loved ones. 

"You sound like my therapist," I teased, feeling a strange warmth in my stomach when a smile slid onto his face. He really was very handsome. It was no wonder why women and men all around the world would kill to get this close to him. "Anyway, I should probably call my dad and see if he can pick me up. I don't think I'll be able to walk home."

Henry nodded and passed me my bag from where it was placed on the ground. He waited patiently as I made the call, arranging for my dad to meet me on the road I could see running past the park just up a small hill. Once it was all set up, I turned back to Henry.

"Thanks so much for all your help," I smiled. "I think I'll be okay for now though, you don't need to waste any more of your day."

"It's not a waste," Henry argued. "Besides, I still maintain this whole mess was my fault so it's the least I can do to help you up that hill when your dad arrives."

"You really don't need to," I insisted. "I can hop or crawl or something."

A laugh slipped from Henry's mouth as he shook his head.

"As entertaining as I'm sure that would be to watch, it wouldn't be very decent of me to let you struggle like that," He held firm, clearly not one to back down easily. "How about as a trade off for my assistance, you can give me your number?"

I snorted a laugh as I looked at him in disbelief.

"You want my number? Is that a joke?"

"No!" He grinned from ear to ear as he fished his phone out of the pocket of his shorts. "It's the least you can do after I gave you my expert medical advice."

"Wow, Mr. Cavill. Very smooth," I smiled, my cheeks heating up as I rattled off my number. He entered it in carefully before looking up at me again.

"Now, I just need a name to go with it."

"Oh! How rude of me." My blushed deepened when I realized I hadn't even introduced myself. "I'm Brooke."

"Brooke," Henry repeated as he typed it into his phone. "It's nice to meet you, Brooke."

"You too," I agreed before deciding it was time to to turn the attention back to him. "So, what brings international superstar, Henry Cavil, to the little island of Jersey?"

"It's my home," He informed me, a fond smile on his face. "I grew up here so when production got shut down due to the pandemic, I decided to come here to isolate with my family."

"What an amazing place to grow up," I said, my words dripping with envy. "You must have had the run of the island!"

"We did," Henry nodded with a chuckle. "I have four brothers so my mother always knew we'd keep each other safe and let us do what we pleased for the most part."

"Four brothers?" My jaw dropped slightly at the thought. "I have one sister and that was more than enough siblings for me."

"It was a lot," Henry agreed. "But it was nice. I love having a big family and we all went to boarding school so there wasn't five of us in the house together all the time."

"That makes it easier," I nodded. "Are you close?"

"Absolutely! I'm closest with my younger brother because we're only two years apart, but we're all quite good friends. We try to get everyone together at least once a year if our schedules permit it."

He grinned as he spoke and it was clear that he loved his family very much. I couldn't help, but return his smile.

"That's really nice."

"Are you close with your sister?"

"I am," I nodded. "It's part of the reason I'm here, I guess. My parents moved here a few years back and she decided to bring my niece here to isolate so they could help look after her. My brother-in-law is a paramedic so he knew things were getting bad long before the lockdown started and he felt it would be safer for her not to be in the house with him in case he gets exposed. My sister is working from home though so home-schooling Molly by herself while trying to do her own work would be tough. Since Jersey is obviously safer for me too with my asthma, I decided to tag along when they came over from London way back at the beginning of March so I can help my sister with Molly too."

I felt like I was rambling and oversharing again, but Henry's eyes were on me the entire time and he never once seemed disinterested. It was refreshing to meet someone who was actually interested in having a proper conversation.

"That sounds like a very sensible choice," He nodded when I was finished my explanation. "It must be hard for your niece to be separated from her dad so I'm sure she appreciates having you around. A couple of my brothers are in the military and I know when they've been deployed, the kids really struggle."

"She's doing better than I expected, but there's days when we can tell she's having a hard time," I admitted. "Are you just isolating with your parents?"

"No, no, we're doing a similar thing to you," Henry smiled. "One of my brothers was over visiting at the beginning of March during a school break so when there was talk of schools closing, they decided to just stay over here. So it's my parents and I, plus my brother, his wife and their three kids. Oh, and my big fluffy dog."

My whole face lit up at the mention of a dog before I could even control myself.

"You have a dog?!" I practically squealed, making Henry's shoulder shake as he chuckled. "Do you have pictures?"

"Of course!"

Henry picked up his phone from where he'd placed it on the table and quickly opened his camera roll. From where I was sitting, perched on the table above him, I could see dozens of pictures pop up on the screen, most of them of a big fluffy, black and white dog. He scrolled for a moment before tapping on one and turning the phone towards me.

"Awwwe," I cooed, looking at the big goofy grin on the dog's face. "What's his name?"

"Kal."

I stared at him for a moment, confusion written all over my face.

"You named your dog Cow?"

Henry tossed his head back laughing, shaking it slowly.

"No, not cow! Kal!" He emphasized the 'L' as he clarified. "As in Kal-El."

"Ooh, I get it," I giggled, realizing my mistake. "Wow, you're a nerd."

"I am," Henry chuckled, not fazed by my jab. "If you think naming my dog after Superman is bad, wait until you hear how I've been spending all this free time."

I wrinkled my nose in mock disgust.

"Let me guess...some video game like...World of Warcraft?"

Laughter once again erupted from Henry, making me laugh at the sight.

"No, surprisingly not," He shook his head. "Even though I did almost miss the call for Superman because I actually was playing World of Warcraft..."

"Oh my god, really?" I raised an eyebrow, finding it hard to believe someone who looked like him was into something that many people consider so uncool. He nodded in confirmation before I got us back the point. "I need to hear that story too, but what have you been doing with your free time then if not gaming? Lifting cars to keep those muscles in perfect condition?"

Now it was Henry's turn to raise an eyebrow.

"Cars?" He questioned, but I simply shrugged in response. "No, not that. Well, I mean, I do spend a good portion of my day keeping fit, hence this fateful run, but what I was referring to is this..."

Henry flipped to a picture on his phone and showed me. I wasn't entirely sure what I was looking at so I took a guess.

"Painting figurines?"

"Pretty much," He nodded. "It's all tied in to gaming. They have a whole world and lore created about it."

I giggled and shook my head in mock disbelief.

"If only your fan-girls could see you now..."

"Oh, they love it," He smirked. "I posted the picture on my Instagram and apparently they find my nerdy side rather endearing."

"They're just blinded by your handsome face," I teased. "And your gentlemanly manners."

"Most likely," Henry agreed with a grin that filled me a warmth. "Speaking of, I think your dad has arrived."

I looked over my shoulder towards the road and spotted a man waving his arms.

"Yep," I nodded, shifting over to the edge of the picnic table. "Now, how are we going to do this? Can I hold your-"

Before I could finish my sentence, Henry had his arm tucked under my knees and lifted me up bridal style once again.

"Show off," I teased, reaching back to grab my bag from the table just before Henry started the walk up the hill. "I think you're just trying to impress me with your strength."

Henry glanced down at me with a smirk on his face.

"Is it working?"

It was, but I shook my head.

"No, not at all," I lied. "If the tables were turned, I could carry you just as easily."

I was jostled slightly as Henry laughed at that bold statement.

"You're much stronger than you look then," He informed me as we got to the top. “Hold on to me now."

I listened to his instruction, keeping one arm draped around his shoulders as he lowered me to the ground, letting me lean my weight on him and off my left foot.

"Henry, what a pleasant surprise!" My dad greeted us, making me raise an eyebrow in suspicion of his rather familiar greeting of my new friend. "What are you doing here?"

"Unfortunately, I'm to blame for your daughter's injuries, Mr. Harris," Henry explained looking rather sheepish once again. "We collided on the path."

"It wasn't his fault," I insisted. "Neither of us were paying attention and he was kind enough to check me out after."

My dad glanced between the two of us, curiosity written all over his face.

"Check you out?"

My cheeks heated up as I realized how he'd chosen to interpret those words and I rolled my eyes.

"Check my ankle out," I clarified. "He says it's probably just sprained, but I can't put much weight on it."

"Well thank goodness Dr. Cavill was here to assist you," My dad teased, his smirk making me suddenly very aware that Henry still had his arm around my waist. "Your mother is worried sick though so we should probably get you home."

I nodded and hobbled towards the car with Henry's support. Once I was settled safely in my seat, I looked up at him.

"Thanks, Henry," I smiled. "I really appreciate your help."

"Anytime," He nodded. "Let me know when your ankle feels better, yeah?"

"Of course."

Before I could say anything else, my dad leaned over from the driver's seat.

"Can we drop you anywhere, Henry?"

"Oh, no, that's okay, thanks," Henry waved him off. "I should probably finish my run."

"Is that the safest plan?" I questioned, a smirk on my face. "Maybe you should get yourself a bell first so you don't mow down any more unsuspecting women..."

Henry fought back a smile as he feigned indignation.

"You never told me that your daughter was a comedian, Mr. Harris." He said to my dad as I giggled away at my own joke. 

"Yes, well, we try not to encourage her too much," My dad rolled his eyes. "Don't need her getting too big headed now, do we?"

I protested his comment as Henry laughed before we said a quick goodbye and he jogged off down the hill.

We drove in silence for a few moments before my dad looked over at me.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I think so," I assured him. "I fell pretty hard and obviously banged up my ankle, but it's definitely not broken so it'll heal."

"I'm glad to hear that," He nodded. Another silence settled between us before he spoke again. "Your mom's worried about you. She said you seemed down this morning and that you’re getting antsy."

I looked down at my hands, not wanting to delve into this conversation.

"Everyone's getting antsy," I shrugged, deciding I needed to quickly change the subject. "Anyway, why didn't you tell me that you knew Henry Cavill?"

"I don't really know him, but his parents live just down the street from us so I've met him once or twice," He explained. "I didn't know you were such a fan."

"Well, I'm not really," I admitted. "I'm not not a fan, but I don't know much of his work. He is rather...You know, he's got a nice..."

I trailed off realizing who I was talking to, but my dad simply smirked.

"A nice face?" He suggested. "Nice abs? Nice arms? Which I'm sure you got a great feel of since you definitely weren't six feet apart, young lady."

My cheeks were red as I swatted his arm.

"I know we weren't," I muttered, feeling like a teenager who'd just been caught sneaking out with a boy. "But I was injured and I couldn't walk."

"Well, I hope you're good at hopping because I won't be able to carry you into the house like that with my old back," He informed me. "I'm no Superman."

I rolled my eyes and mumbled a quick 'shut up' as I looked out the window, but there was a smile on my face that I couldn't shake and for the first time since this whole pandemic fiasco began, I felt a little flicker of hope.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #348

“nothing will be free  /  nothing will be done  /  black out the sun”

Do you have any famous relatives? My third or so cousin is the author of Not Without My Daughter, but she's not like a smash hit or anything that most people know. I really do recommend the book, though. It's a long read, but a beautiful, true story. Do you care about celebrity gossip? Nah. Have you ever failed a science course in high school? No; I was very good at science. What’s your favorite breakfast food? Cinnamon rolls. Does your house have a basement? No. No house I've ever lived in has had one. Do you like Hot Topic? Well duh. Do you think imagination is valuable? VERY! Just imagine how many incredible things wouldn't exist without it. What was your reaction to your first time falling in love? Unspeakably happy, and I felt like I was building a future with someone. I felt like I had purpose, which I should mention to anyone reading is a mindset to NEVER adopt. No one gives you purpose; you're born with it. How much weight can you lift at once? Ha, not a lot. When you have your own house someday, what color Christmas tree do you want and how will you decorate it? I want a black one with faux snow on the branches, then maybe red ornaments. Kinda look like blood dripping off. Sounds metal. Name three YouTube channels you’ve been loving lately. Lately, John Wolfe, The Dark Den, and Aim To Head Mix. Have you ever bought a designer purse? No. Do you wear jewelry often? No. What color was your senior prom dress? Black. Are you colorblind? No. Name the people you know who are colorblind. Jason's older brother is colorblind to two colors, but idr which. Would you ever consider a career in writing? I'd love to. What was your first favorite color? Red. What do you think about horror movies? I love them. If you love them, what’s your favorite? I really enjoy The Crazies and both The Blair Witch Project movies. Oh, and of course Silent Hill. Got any cool Christmas presents picked out for family or friends yet? I don't have the money to get anyone presents... and while I sometimes get ideas about something I could make someone, then it wouldn't be fair to the rest of my family if I don't make them something, too. What’s your favorite word and why? I really like the sound of "serendipity," as well as its meaning. It's just a pretty, nice word. Do you like to do craft projects? If so, what’s the coolest thing you made? Not really... I think the coolest thing I made was when I put the clay heart I made in Art into a shadowbox, and a poem I wrote was in the background. It was a gift for Jason. I remember working really hard on the whole process and being really happy with it. I don't want to know what he's done with it since. What’s one occupation you think gets paid too much and doesn’t deserve to? I don't know. What’s something you are currently saving money for to buy? Everyone knows about Venus' terrarium by now... Do you smoke/vape? If so, what brand do you smoke/what device do you use? No. Ever done drugs? No. Tell me one of your worst habits. Catastrophizing. I take a tiny seed of something potentially bad, and in seconds it's a damn redwood tree. And I do mean "in seconds." What’s a weird quirk you have that no one else you know does? I don't know, I don't have any particularly unique ones, I think. If you game, what type of headset do you use? I just use earbuds. Do you think you would be a good therapist? You know, it's funny, I've actually pictured myself as one a few times, given my level of understanding and empathy for people, as well as how deeply I want to see others succeed and spread the word that recovery from things like depression is very possible. I've never truly entertained the thought, though, given I'm quite sure I legally couldn't be given my suicidal past and mental illnesses. There is also NO way I could listen to so many people's suffering and manage to stay healthy myself, so, no therapist position for me, thanks. Have you ever been to a Chinatown? No. Do you prefer chunky or creamy peanut butter? Creamy, 100%. Do you stop to pick up heads-up pennies? No. Do your pets have collars? Describe them: Roman has an adorable navy one with a bowtie. Do you have any friends that speak any languages you don’t understand? Old friends, sure. What is something you want to begin learning? I want to improve my ability to perform what in therapy is called "opposite action," where you do the opposite of what your depression (or other conditions) make you want to do. It always helps me feel good, like when I draw even when I don't initially feel like it, but it's rough to really force yourself to do it. What is a food you find comforting when you are sad? Ice cream is my comfort food. What is a quote you find comfort in? There are really a lot, but none come to mind immediately, gah. What is one Tumblr blog you really appreciate? I actually haven't been on my main Tumblr in months, but oh my god there is a Markiplier blog called "lady-raziel" and she is FUCKING HYSTERICAL. The meme quality is A+. What is a comfort movie/show for you? When I actually liked watching movies, I enjoyed watching Silent Hill when I was down. That whole franchise just makes me so happy. What is a recent creative project that you are proud of? That I'm PROUD of, idk. I'm not that happy with the last drawing I made, and I haven't done any serious writing lately that I find noteworthy. What is a video game that you find comforting? Shadow of the Colossus is probably #1. I find it so relaxing while equally epic as fuck. The soundtrack is to die for, and after playing it a billion times, it's pretty easy for me to kinda breeze through and just enjoy myself. Do you know how to bake bread? If so, what is something you’ve baked recently? No. Would you rather live in the mountains, city, beach, or the forest? THE MOUNTAINS!!! Particularly in the woods IN the mountains! Are you closer to your mother’s or father’s side of the family? Mom's. I don't even remember anyone from Dad's. Have you ever been in a “perfect relationship”? I thought so. Have you ever lost a fingernail or toenail? No. Were you a Disney or Nickelodeon kid? I preferred Disney. Have you ever been inside a jail/prison? No, and I don't plan on it. Have you ever dated a guy with a beard, mustache, or goatee? Jason had a goatee usually. He'd go clean-shaven sometimes. Did you ever name your stuffed animals? I named every single one I got as a kid. Now I don't, really, unless they're really special. What’s the name of the person who cuts your hair? I'd rather not share, given her name is very unique. Do you like cheeseburgers? Yes, they're one of my favorite foods. Do you have a Flickr? Yes, but I don't use it anymore. Did you ever want to be a fashion designer? No. Do you drink milk? Yeah, I love milk. Where was your FB display pic taken? My room. Have you ever burnt your tongue like REALLY bad? If so, what on? Yeah; white rice. My dumb ass didn't realize it had JUST come off the stove. My tongue hurt literally for weeks. Have you ever gotten your legs waxed? No. Do you own any CLOTHES from Victoria’s Secret? Er, are undergarments not clothes? But I know what you mean. No. What are your grandfathers’ names? William and... I can't remember Dad's dad's name. Have you ever seen a snake in real life? Well yeah. Are you against seances? I don't know if I believe in them being effective, but either way, they seem like a bad idea. Even risking luring a negative energy/spirit to you is something I'd stay away from. Do you own any superhero shirts? No, just Harley Quinn ones, some with the Joker on them, too. I need to toss 'em though because I am like, violently against romanticizing their abusive relationship. I used to just like them as a story character couple, but I got to a place where it just seemed... wrong to "glorify" it by wearing merch and stuff. What band has the best guitar solos? Metallica, durrrr. Who is the biggest jerk you’ve ever met? Can you believe that would be my former best friend? Have you ever swerved off the road to avoid hitting an animal? I've never had an animal in my path. Have you ever grown your own herbs? No. Do you like kissing in public? If you're my serious s/o, I could care less, so long as it's a simple peck. I'm not making out in front of people. Do you think someone has feelings for you? I don't know. Do you want to be in a relationship this year? I don't know. I'm lonely and love feels amazing, but I need to get my life on track before I can be a good partner to someone and not just dead weight. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you? Huh, funny, he's the one that walked away. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander? Uhhh that would depend on how serious we are, where we are, and just what mood I'm in. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you? ugh What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone? also ugh What’s your dirtiest secret? TMI AHEAD. Probably receiving oral while bare-ass naked on the chaise in the living room while we were home alone. Or having sex in my sister’s bed. Oops. Would you ever get lyrics tattooed on yourself? Yeah. I already do, anyway, and I plan on getting another. Can you photoshop images well? I'm decent at it. Where did you last drive to? Mom and I went to go get our Covid vaccines today. What’s the first verse of the last song you listened to? "I don't know what we're supposed to be, but I know we lost it along the way to something better, something so much more than pleasure that we seek, so blind inside to fill these holes left by these lies that we tell to ourselves as we manufacture our own hell." What do you hear right now? The aforementioned song: "BLACKOUT" by 3TEETH. What was the last thing you laughed about? This is so fucking immature lmao but when we were driving earlier, we passed a gas station that had a sign that was advertising Coke, but due to space limitations, it abbreviated to "2 liter Cok" and I cackled like a child. Mom laughed harder than I did. Do you know any gay people personally? Ye. What was the last thing that startled you? I think it was a car hoonking at somebody the other day. What was the last thing to make you even remotely sad? Today's been a kind of rough PTSD day thanks to Facebook. My old high school friend had her beautiful daughter, a childhood friend just got married the other day, another friend is due to have her baby in just a couple weeks... It's just weird but even more painful to know it was the life I once fantasized about with a guy that just dropped me and made a break for it. I hate admitting that there's this deep, deep bitterness in me about it, like he took my life away from me, even though that's of course very unfair to say. I don't want to talk about this anymore, so moving on with my day.

[modern-oedipus]

Covid Vent

No one: Nila, who goes out maybe once in a month due to covid: *listens to coffee shop sounds in youtube to get in mood*  It’s really hard to maintain social isolation now that it has been 5 months. But the cases are going up and up and up, hitting my friends and their families. I myself had to split houses with my mother because she had covid cases in her work place. I don’t think I’d isolate myself this much if I wasn’t in the risk group, but I am. Knowing that I am most likely to go to intensive care and experience the trouble breathing again like I did during the asthma treatment is not good. The potential permanent damage on lungs, for someone like me whose lungs are already more prone to sickness compared to healthy people, is also a big no, considering that I’m only in my early twenties and if everything goes well and I live a normal life I’d live around 50 more years.  50 more years with a disability or isolating myself at home? Isolation, obviously. But this pandemic doesn’t seem to be stopping anytime soon. I am only indoors because both my internships are online & college hasn’t started yet. I know that I’ll eventually have to go out if my college doesn’t switch to online education. It doesn’t scare me at all, though, I am not like, “anxious”. I’m concerned, disturbed, alert, but not in a paranoid anxiety. If I end up catching covid, I’m at least mentally prepared to deal with it. I’m also eating healthy and exercising and don’t really have health problems except for that past-lung-treatments that more or less put me to a risk group (risky enough to concern me, even though I don’t have a chronic illness), so who knows, I might just pass it like a flu as well. No one knows. It’s not good overthinking covid, all I can do is to keep social distancing & mask & hygiene, as always. I’m just so suffocated. I’m more prone to be an extrovert. Before pandemic, I’d only use my house to sleep I’d keep being out in public, attending events, ORGANIZING events, going to coffee shops, club meetings, lots and lots of stage plays, tours, everything. I’d sneak into my friends’ dorms and change cities and just so many more “normal” fun things. I was barely starting to enjoy my life again after the depression healed. Now, I’m mentally ok, but physically trapped. The “watch netflix, read books, stay home” thing is kind of overdosing me right now. I like this shit for a week maybe, not for 5 months. I don’t know how to not risk my mental health while keeping my physical health anymore. Of course, to even HAVE a mental health I need to stay alive, so I’m not complaining- health care workers, people who go to job everyday (including my parents), etc. are in such a harder situation. I know. But my own life is also valid, and while not as troubling and concerning as lives of others right now, well, I think I’m still worth caring, at least by myself. I don’t expect any extra outside compassion or validation (we all are in same situation), me writing my thoughts here is more of me just trying to see my thoughts being worded on screen so that maybe I can come up with a solution to these things as I go. Because I’ve always been a problem-solver rather than just merely venting. (I can’t always solve problems though, I need to work on accepting this fact.) Anyway, I just thought, maybe spending more time outdoors in the natural park that is close to my house could be a good thing. But it’s crowded since it’s outdoors and I really don’t want to share any commonly used areas right now. (I used to be more than okay with this before covid, as I said, I’m mostly extroverted and I like community gatherings, but I like being healthy more), so like... Idk, maybe I can just sort of have phone calls and videochats with my friends as I sit outdoors. Except I don’t even know I have that many friends anymore. I mean, I do- I surely do have bestest of friends in my life that I’m grateful for, but like. I am somehow an introvert magnet and while I’d die for most of my best friends (both irl and online) I don’t really think they are as hype about just chatting as often as I am. (I know that this doesn’t mean they love me any less. They love me in their own way & I love them in their own way so that’s OK.) So like. Maybe Nila, have this BRILLIANT idea of making more friends. Except. Like. You’re at home so you aren’t in much of social gatherings [you aren’t in any! That is insane!] and you don’t really know how to make friends from home. I mean, yes there are online friends but like. EVEN WITH THEM. How can I just *trust* them right away? I can’t, so like. I don’t know. I’m bored af.  On the bright side, today one of my bff from school called me and said he’s back in town and that we should catch up, he’s literally one of the greatest company ever and he wants to see the doggo, so I’m positive we can just have hour 9242309204 hours long in-depth chats again without getting bored (amazing to have people like that in my life). Anyway. I guess the moral of this is:

- I need to accept “the new normal”

- I need to protect myself but try to keep my mental health as good as possible because I like myself more when my mental health is fine and I can also come up with better creations then

- I need to finish my course work (internship) so that I can relax before school starts

- I need to spend more time outdoors but in isolated areas (good luck finding them!) 

- I need to recharge

- I “want to” make more friends or just check up on existing ones! I can’t use the word “need” for this because this would degrade the freedom of the other party. Friends are appreciated, and to some extend, a necessity for social creatures like us, but no “need” will make it happen. I will just make an effort to check up on my existing friends more frequently-- I’m quite selective at this, though, I prefer generally upbringing people who are mature to a certain extend (aka, no obsession, no passive-aggression. yes to personal boundaries, yes to an overall nice attitude [we all can have problems and that’s ok and that’s normal. what /I/ personally don’t wish to be around [with my all respect] is this mindset of “life is a disaster let’s be depressed” thing. I just love love my current friend circle because even if my close friends are just around 7 people, and even if we get depressed or sad or scared, our general look to life is nicer, we don’t make disasters out of regular days, we enjoy talking and chatting, which overall increases our life quality and makes it better. We also communicate & respect & listen to each other and all. I mean. It’s not like that with everyone, and that’s ok, but as I said, this is my personal preference. I prefer having bonds that are good rather than toxic and I am doing my best to be equally good, rather than being toxic to my friends. [I’m sorry I post a lot of Banana Fish to those who don’t know Banana Fish, ok. I know ur bored but like I just cannot help it. I’m trying to tone it down but BANANA FISH.] sOOOOOOOO, SOOOO that’s why it’s not how “i have 29420343204 friends uwu” mindset, like, I noticed I need to be reasonably picky with those I’m close to so that I and people I love can overall have a nice, fun days, which is point of friendship. (I mean. As I said. I’m here on bad days too. But I don’t feel mentally healthy enough to carry the burden of someone else’s depression. It hasn’t even been two months since I’m out of therapy yet, and my mental health is, while not bad, it is fragile. I’d rather not be around those who can [mostly, unwillingly] effect me badly. SO LIKE.  - that’s one hell of a long post nila, but long story short FRIENDS or you’ll die out of boredom

- also just finish your coursework i beg you

- thanks for coming to my ted talk, I actually always offer potential solutions on my vent posts, but this time i wanted to write this publicly [i dont think anyone will read this and i dont mind it] because like. why not? it’s just me thinking and I feel as if this could be of use for some people who are reading this & isolating themselves too. anyway, i love u, stay safe. 

[blackcatanna]

Tales of the Reluctant Kazama Bitch Part 2: Edo Blossoms!

We left our would-be heroine galloping across the country, desperately clinging to the man who's repeatedly threatened to kidnap and impregnate her. However, all of this ickyness is forgotten in the face of a greater threat: her creepy brother and stepdad, who want to turn everyone into shitty vampires.

Chapter 1:

*Sadly scrolls past superior men to get to Kazama's portrait* :'(

If this route contains plenty of free Sen and Kimigiku, I will be less mad at it.

Wait, when you say, "abandon our horse" you are gonna come back for it, right?! RIGHT?!!? O_O

A deserted house, huh? Seems like a great place to have a nap and totally not get murdered by the spirits of the restless undead.

And, of course, Kazama just HAS to take a minute to be a bougie bitch, "Hmph. I would sooner call this a hut than a house."

"Just shut up, and sit tight." Classic Kazama.

Kazama going on about "The destructive force of humans" again -_- Pot kettle black. Bitch.

Wow, the Yukimura clan helped Tokugawa Ieyasu "usurp control of the country with military force." In my head, this takes place in the same universe as the Samurai Warriors series X_X

"You take me for some boorish creep, don't you?" Yes.

"I shall not lay a finger upon you until our marriage is finalized." That's great, provided that I get a say in whether or not we get married!

Amagiri is being helpful and practical and Kazama is just being extremely rude, stubborn and idiotic. X_X

"You'd better not bitch at all, got it?" Um, Kazama, you're the one who bitches about everything. Not me.

"The thought of Kazama rescuing me stood at odds with the initial impression I'd had of him as a crude, sadistic warrior who hated the Shinsengumi." Um, why can't he be all of those things? Just because he's a dick doesn't mean that he's going to let his precious brood mare fall off a cliff!

HAND HOLDING ALERT! THE ORGASMETER IS GOING WILD!!! PHYSICAL CONTACT INITIATED!

Hold up, female demons all have the same stamina as normal humans but males get superhuman endurance?! This is so unfair! -_-

Chapter 2:

Guess I'll never see my beloved Shinsen-gummies again :'(

Here goes Kazama again, shitting on the Shinsengumi for risking their lives because he can't comprehend the idea of anything being worth risking his own precious life.

"Kazama dismissed the Shinsengumi to a degree that I could only describe as willful ignorance." YES GIRL. GET HIM. "I had never met anyone so incapable of empathy." Most sociopaths find it advantageous to at least pretend to empathise with people. I guess when you're an all-powerful demon price, such precautions are needless.

Ooh! Can I please stay at the Shinsengumi's headquarters!

OH SO NOW MY OPINIONS ARE ASININE?!??!!! I THOUGHT THAT THIS HO AGREED WITH ME THAT FURIES ARE BAD!?

Wait, so now I don't want Kazama to kill my family of creeps? Y tho? I love my family but I still wouldn't let them commit stupid genocide. I guess she really believes that she can reason with them. We'll see how that works out.

I am enjoying this slice of Kodo backstory to hammer home how far he has fallen.

FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!! SO, IN THIS ROUTE, KAZAMA HATES HIM SO HE CAN'T PIMP ME OUT TO KAZAMA SO HE WANTS ME TO "MATE WITH" THE FURIES INSTEAD!??!? WTF!?!!

"Bitter, senile idiot" For once, Kazama is right.

Did Kodo just throw me at Kazama?! Stepdad of the year.

"Perhaps I'm being forward, but I see in you the virtues befitting the leader of the Yukimura clan." Stop, stop. My penis can only get so erect.

"You will feel better watching me peel the flesh from their bones with the swing of my sword." O_O Is this Game of Thrones now? Uh, thanks, I guess, for those words of, uh? Comfort?! What girl doesn't want to watch a guy dismember her family!?

Awe, tiny Chizuru's village burning memory :'( My heart! :'(

Shiranui "plopping" himself on the floor is a big mood :')

Nooo! The Shogunate is feeding the Shinsengumi to the furies?! :'(

Spider Kaoru being weird and creepy (literally) as usual.

Ugh, I thought we'd agreed to murder the fam?

Ooh! This house has pretty wallpaper!

Why couldn't Kaoru just live with me and Kodo for all those years?! Did Kodo just hand him over to those abusive fucks because he couldn't be bothered to raise a child who didn't have a precious vagina?

I love the scuttling sound that the minions make when they assemble! :')

Turns out, even Amagiri can't punch a fury to death X_X

DING DONG THE BITCH IS DEAD. Kodo just went so, so evil o_e

I've stopped listening to Kazama whenever he goes off on one of his rants about how all humans suck and are to blame for all of our problems -_-

When the nice music started playing, I expect to see someone I actually liked but it was just Kazama in a new outfit.

CALM DOWN, YOU THIRSTY WENCH! IT'S JUST A NEW OUTFIT X_X

"Quit wallowing in your self-pity for once." Wisdom?! From Kazama?!

"Do you remember the Shinsengumi captain named 'Harada'?" O_O Yes. What happened to him?! IS HE OKAY?!?? DID YOU KILL HIM!!!?!!!!?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO :'( :'( :'( </3

And so it begins. Hanging out with these fuckers while watching everyone I love die from afar </3

Awe, Shiranui and Harada became buddies <3 and now Shiranui blames his bad luck for Harada's death. :'( It's not your fault, Shiranui D'X

Kazama: "No time for tears." BEGONE, THOT. :'(

Chapter 3:

Bad news, huh? Bad news for me or for you, Kazama? >:(

*Winces in anticipation of more dead Shinsengumi members*

RIP Kondou. You were too wholesome for this cruel world :'(

Welp, looks like I'm chasing my beloved ho's across the country :D

Oh, Kazama thinks that I'm joking about trying to reunite with my long lost friends. You don't KNOOOW me!

"Harada, who was ripped to shreds at Ueno. No one's patting him on the back for dying like a wounded animal." LET ME AT THIS EVIL CUNT!!! HOW DARE HE!!! I JUST WANT TO SEE MY FRIENDS AGAIN!!!! DO YOU NOT POSSESS AN OUNCE OF RESPECT, OR TACT, AT THE VERY LEAST!?!!?

"All they'll ever be is a footnote in the annals of history. Their legacy is being spat on." "Kazama made a lot of sense." BITCH WHERE!!!????!

"I knew women were whimsied by delusion, but you are sitting at the top of the pile." -_- Are all demons this sexist?! I don't think I want to hang out with other demons anymore.

"You should go after him." Amagiri, why?! -_- I don't wanna! Let him stew in his own miserable juices.

He looks like a disgruntled cat.

OH, BITCH EXPECTED ME TO FOLLOW HIM. I should never have listened to Amagiri. He has no eyebrows.

We're in my burned out village, aren't we? :'(

OMG KAORU'S DEAD BODY IS RIGHT THERE O_O

"Why are you crying?" REALLY?!???!

This is v sad :'(

OH CAN YOU SHUT UP ABOUT HOW THE HUMANS ARE TO BLAME FOR EVERYTHING FOR FIVE MINUTES WHILE WE BURY MY BROTHER, WHOM YOU LITERALLY MURDERED. IF YOUR SO POWERFUL, WHY CAN YOU ONLY KILL?! YOU ONLY SAVED ME FOR YOUR OWN DISGUSTING PURPOSES. IF YOU TRULY SAW KAORU'S POTENTIAL TO BE A FINE LEADER, WHY WERE YOU SO QUICK TO KILL HIM?!? HUH!??! D'X

"He died just as he lived--alone" :'(

Kodo absolutely needed a good killing but I believe that Kaoru was redeemable. :'(

WHY ARE YOU ASKING HIS PERMISSION TO REMEMBER YOUR FAMILY THE WAY YOU CHOOSE!?!

"It was never my intention to reveal the history of the Yukimura clan to you." BITCH, WHO ARE YOU TO DENY ME THE HISTORY OF MY OWN CLAN?! >:(

"Impatience is unbecoming" Oh no, heaven forbid you lose interest in me! Not that that would ever happen to this thirsty whore.

"Obedience is a good look on you. You are well on your way to becoming the ideal life." LISTEN HERE YOU SMUG PRICK!!!!!! I WILL DIE BEFORE I EVEN CONSIDER THAT REVOLTING POSSIBILITY!!!!

Here we go, time for an orgy of sadness, courtesy of Amagiri! :(

"Okita has passed away from illness." Not surprising but very, very sad :'( Poor Okita, slowly wasting away while his world falls apart around him </3

Saito's MIA, which doesn't look good but, historically, he was fine so I can handle that, I guess O_O If he is confirmed dead later, imma be real mad. AND SAD. D'X

Nagakura is also MIA?! Big sad </3 I bet that Kazama is secretly loving this >:(

HEISUKE AND SANAN ARE FULLY DEAD!!?? D'X NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO This is too much sad. FFS, KAZAMA, YOU SHOULD HAVE LET ME SEE MY FRIENDS BEFORE THEY WERE ALL KILLED, YOU HEARTLESS WENCH! WAS YOUR PLAN ALL ALONG TO JUST WAIT UNTIL EVERYONE I CARED ABOUT WAD DEAD SO THAT I'D HAVE TO CLING TO YOU!?

"What about the others?" WHAT OTHERS?! Hijikata, Souma, Nomura? Is that it?! My family is DEAD, my friends are DEAD. Kazama doesn't see that as a problem because my fertile body is still intact but MY HEART IS BROKEN D"X

"That little dog's still got some bite, eh?" SHUT UP, JUST SHUT UP.

"Everyone's still putting up a fight, huh" Well, not everyone. Most people are dead but, uh, good on you for seeing this as a glass half full...

Ugh, why does Kazama have to come with me to Ezo?

STOCKHOLM SYNDROME STRIKES AGAIN.

Aaaawwweee Shiranui brought me Harada's spear D'X

Shiranui is so much better and kinder than Kazama :'(

HOW CAN KAZAMA GO THROUGH LIFE BEING SUCH A CUNT AND SCOFFING AT EVERYONE'S SINCERE BELIEFS. No wonder even his allies hate him.

Shiranui, stop with the kind, heartfelt words! You're making me cry D'X

"Shiranui was nowhere near as bad as Kazama" Truth.

"Isn't this just another worm you've let crawl into your insipid heart?" Wow, this route is actually making me like Kazama LESS.

Sendai is pretty.

WE MISSED THEM AGAIN?!!? NOW I'M STUCK ALONE WITH THIS ASSHOLE AGAIN!?!?

Wow, this CG is telling. Chizuru crying against Kazama's turned back.

Chapter 4:

Well, at least I get to stay in a mansion while I cry over my dead friends and family.

Omg, I'm basically Kazama's housewife X_X

Kazama's in a bad mood, huh? Did Hijikata die before Kazama could fulfill his promise to me? Useless man.

OMG, HE REALLY HAS MADE ME HIS WENCH!!! NO!!! DON'T FETCH HIM THE SAKE!!!!

"Fetch me a bottle at once." "I'm only going to grab you one, okay...? Drinking too much isn't good for your health." I'M DEFINITELY HIS WIFE!!! HELP!!!! HIW CAN I WAKE FROM THIS NIGHTMARE??!!

"Sake is more of a medicine than a poison, and as you've noticed, I'm ill. Make it three bottles." Aaaand my husband's an alcoholic X_X

"Hey, don't take your frustrations out on me. Also, it's only a 'medicine' when you drink in moderation--not when you're piss drunk." Yaass Chizuru! You tell that edgy thot!

"Humility is a more attractive colour on you. From now on, feel free to humble yourself by complimenting me however much you deem fit." That would be never. I cannot with This Bitch. Eat shit and die, Kazama.

Okay, now things are really sad. Still chasing my friends as they fight against all the odds D'X

Aaaaaah, the tension is killing me! This is going to be horrible D'X

SHIMADA AND SOUMA ARE ALIVE!!!

"I'm going to kill each and every one of you impotent bastards until there's none left. See you in Hell!" :') I've missed Hijikata!

WHY AM I CHASTISING SOUMA FOR STANDING UP FOR HIMSELF AGAINST KAZAMA!?

Oh great, now we're hunting for Hijikata's corpse. SADNESS INTENSIFIES.

"What about you, girl...?" First of all, SHUT THE FUCK UP. Secondly, the way he addressed me reminds me of my brother XD

ER MAH GERD!!! HE IZ KISSING MEH!!! O_O

"Although I'd wanted to scream, I couldn't." O_e Tha fuck?!?

WITH TONGUE!!!

Final Chapter:

Please let me not be married to Kazama X_X

"I was alone" Good start.

"This incessant urge to clean" Can't relate.

"Sadly, my father passed away." XD

Yaaaas become a doctor! You don't need no man!

However, tell me more about this cute medicine clerk ;)

Speak of the demon X_X

When you get sick of kindly old ladies telling you to find a man so you settle for some dickhead edgelord X_X

"He was his usual, callous self." Husband material X_X

Wait, I've been all alone all this time?! What about Sen?!? Why can I not have friends? :'(

"I've come to claim you." BITCH, I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT (BUT VERY SAD AND LONELY) WOMAN!

"I will tolerate no resistance" O_O

"Kazama might have been a pain, but he was my pain" Uh, okay XD

So, I guess I do marry Kazama purely because he's the only person left alive who knows what I went through X_X . At least Chizuru developed... Not a backbone but... Almost a backbone. Maybe X_X I'm sure that Chizuru will make a lovely stepford wife but that make me kind of sad -_-

[hilarieburtonmorgan]

MORNINGS WITH HILARIE BURTON MORGAN AT MISCHIEF FARM

In the series ‘Mornings With’, we begin a new day with inspiring talent in film, television and media, in an equally inspiring place in New York. ROSE & IVY founding editor, Alison Engstrom sits down and chats about morning routines, exciting projects and what inspires them and drives them to be their very best. Given the current climate, we had to switch gears slightly, but we are beyond delighted to meet Hilarie Burton Morgan at her farm in Upstate New York.

In this day and age, curling up with a good book that transports, uplifts and makes you want to be a better human is vital. In our newest edition of Mornings With, I am incredibly excited to chat with Hilarie Burton Morgan about her debut book, The Rural Diaries: Love, Livestock, and Big Life Lessons Down on Mischief Farm. In this heartfelt and honest work, which is part memoir and part DIY with other life antidotes—hot pepper flakes to keep squirrels out of the garden (genius!), the Burton pickle recipe and how to make dandelion wine—she wants to inspire readers to take a risk. She speaks eloquently about what she had to endure in her early days as an actress, her search for meaning, building a life on a farm, relationship obstacles, grief, fertility struggles, losing herself and then ultimately finding herself. I also talked to her about her morning routines, how she lives her life with intention and the importance of creating a community.

Would you say are you a morning person?

I have always been the kind of person who wakes up in the morning in a good mood. I like potential and mornings are full of potential—I have been that way since I was little. I am absolutely a morning person, however, I don’t get dressed until the afternoon because I cherish the morning. I can get a lot of things done in a bathrobe, so I make my mornings last as long as possible

What’s the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning? 

I have to get my kids going so the first thing I do is I get my son up and make him breakfast, then pack his lunch and then I’ll go and get my daughter up and get her dressed. Then we do school drop off. I am most productive in my morning hours; it’s when I am making my lists and doing the things that require higher brain function, like answering emails, because then I can go into manual labor mode at the end of the day, hunker down and get my work done.

I know that coffee is important to you because you have a section about it in the book—a girl after my own heart! How do you prepare it?

I go through a yearly cycle where halfway through the summer, my sweet tooth kicks in and it’s when I use a lot of creamer, I like putting hazelnut creamer into my coffee that is my guilty pleasure. I also love a good gas station coffee, where it’s like the French vanilla latte— it’s just sugar with some brown food coloring. Then the other six months, I drink it black and as temperatures are starting to warm up, I don’t want all of the dairy and I just like it thin, angry and very, very strong.   At Samuel’s Sweet Shop we serve Partner’s Coffee and we also have a deal with Brooklyn Roasting Company—they created a coffee for us that we are going to be selling on the Mischief Farm website.

“I have always been the kind of person who wakes up in the morning in a good mood. I like potential and mornings are full of potential.”

Do you have a motivating morning mantra or meditation practice that helps to frame your day?

I don’t have a meditation practice; making lists I think is very important for me, it’s something that I have always done. My dad has this phrase that he has had forever, which I talk about in the book. It is: the want to, creates the how-to. If  you want something bad enough, you will creatively think of every way you can get it and how to do it. If you aren’t able to figure out how to do it, and you are like meh, maybe you didn’t really want it in the first place. So going into each day thinking about what I want to do and how am I going to get it is one mantra. And another mantra is, I used to do a lot of student government growing up and one convention had this huge banner with a motto that said: if not you, then who?  It’s one of those universal truths that everyone should probably say, I mean, if you don’t jump on it, who else is going to do it? That’s a call to arms.

Before we talk about your book, how are you and your family doing during this time? Per your Instagram, you have been busy at work sewing masks for frontline workers.

I don’t feel great—I  feel like there's much more that we can be doing. The problem I think specifically with being a mom right now is that we are working, we are mothering, we are housekeeping and trying to do all of these things while trying to be an active member of our community; we aren’t succeeding necessarily at any of them. We are getting by with a lot of these things, but we have to be okay with just getting by right now. There are no wins right now or we have to reevaluate what wins are right now, we have to be very gentle with ourselves and not be judgy. I got mad at myself this morning because I hadn't made masks in four days and I felt like I was letting people down. It’s hard because it’s all I want to focus on—I could churn out like 200 if I could just sit down alone and do it but I have people sending me messages about how to do it or asking me to connect makers with facilities that need things and so a lot of that coordination eats up a lot of time and at the end of the day, I look at my pile of masks and it's not as big as I want it to be. Because it is all unknown, there is no clear directive on what our next best thing is. Right now my daughter is obsessed with Frozen II and it’s been on repeat in our house. There is a song in it The Next Right Thing and I feel like Disney purposefully did this to me (laughs) because it is in my head right now. Do the next right thing, maybe it’s the dishes, the laundry, or making a mask. 

Congratulations on your first book The Rural Diaries! It’s wonderful—you speak so eloquently about love, loss, growth, grief, happiness, ups and downs in a relationship, losing yourself and finding yourself, with so many other real and raw emotions that are very relatable.  What was the process like and did you always want the book to be so honest?

I honestly set out to write a book about the farm and to encourage people to take risks. As I sat down to write it, I was pregnant with my daughter, I started it two months before she was born and then wrote it until last May. It took me a long time, especially the editing process of making sure that everything made sense and was accurate. I was very precious with it. That said, I didn't set out to write something that was so oversharing but I think that in order to encourage people to take big risks, I needed to admit the things that I had done wrong and to admit my vulnerabilities, my insecurities, because I am a deeply insecure person, and that’s not a bad thing, it just means that I care. So I felt like a fraud writing oh, this is my farm and aren’t my flowers pretty, kind of book.  So much effort went into cultivating this lifestyle and it felt cheap not to acknowledge it.

“ I don’t want to be a person who mindlessly does things. I don’t want to coast because I think it’s a disservice to people who I have lost. If I am not taking advantage of every single day, it’s an affront to the loss. ”

As I was reading it, you could feel your blood, sweat and tears and all of  the work that went into making a home and also your DIY spirit. I love that the bigger picture, as you said is to take a risk. If you stay in your comfort zone your whole life you will look back in 20 years and be disappointed that you didn’t even try.  Would you say that it was the biggest leaf of faith you’ve taken?

I would say it was the biggest gamble because I am not near my old support network, there was no family or friends here. It was me and my son in a cabin. Jeffrey (Dean Morgan, Hilarie’s husband) was coming back and forth from work and we were trying to figure out how we were going to create a life up here. You put your energy into your priorities right and a lot of people make work their priority. What we are discovering in this current situation is that maybe what’s going on in your home could be a bigger priority. Let’s make healthy circles, work might be an outer circle and home is an inner circle. Now we have this amazing support network because we made connecting with the people in our town a priority. It’s  paying off specifically right now because we are so interconnected and we can take care of each other in a lot of different ways.

What I loved so much about the book is that it feels like your heart, mind and soul lined up when you found where you belonged in Rhinebeck, New York. It was like a moment of grace.

I remember being a little girl and we weren’t allowed to go to other people's houses or have friends over. I was one of a lot of kids—I have three younger brothers—and it was like, play with each other! I’d hide out in my room all day and just daydream. I was a huge daydreamer and a big reader; in my mind, I had this idea of what my adulthood would be. It involved caftans, a lot of beads, books, crazy hair and this pastoral lifestyle. There was this character in the movie Tammy and the Bachelor—it’s this Debbie Reynolds movie and there was this old spinster aunt who was super eccentric and wanted to paint cats and I was like that sounds great. So living a lifestyle that was a little bit outside the norm was always something that was appealing. And when I came to Rhinebeck it was like walking  into the backlot of a Hollywood movie studio, it was beautiful. Everyone knew each other and it felt like a club that you wanted to join, like when you get into high school and you say, I want to be a part of that club. I wanted to be a part of it, so I made it a priority to get to know people and offer up help. When there is a charity event, it's like, what can I do? It feels nice to have the family that you choose for yourself.

What was it about the acting world that lured you in? Would you say you were a natural performer?

I had been doing theater since I was eight. I asked to be put in classes when I was four or five—I was very articulate about wanting to be a performer as a child. My parents, God bless them, gave me every opportunity they could afford. I did all of the local and regional theater in Virginia. They would get off work and spend all night taking me to rehearsals. They would drive me up to New York once a month so I could audition. We would rent a car, it was a big deal. I did a lot of professional theater as a kid so that was always there. My decision to go to college in New York was solely based on wanting to be where the opportunities existed. I just applied to every school  in Manhattan and went to the one that gave me the most money. I love the city because there is so much kismet in it, when Manhattan feels like a small town, it’s magical. I’ll run into people from like 20 years ago who I worked with at MTV.

“I honestly set out to write a book about the farm to encourage people to take risks.”

In the book, you talk about how you were very disappointed when you left One Tree Hill. later in the book, you revealed what you had to endure on set.

I was so disappointed that I got everything that I wanted and it was just so toxic, there really isn’t any other way to describe it. I am very good friends with the cast of that show and I am very good friends with so many crew members of that show but there was an overarching toxic thing. When it’s your first job, you assume that every other job will just be more of that, I was exhausted by that and really second guessed my life. It wasn’t until I got my next big job on White Collar, where I saw what it was supposed to be. I saw what leadership was supposed to look like, how people were supposed to be treated and how your boss can be an ally, as opposed to someone terrorizing you the whole entire time. I remember joking and telling a group of the writers some horror stories of One Tree Hill and laughing about it, saying, oh my gosh and you wouldn’t believe it and I remember them stopping me as a young women, I was 27, and saying, it’s not supposed to be like that and we are so so sorry that happened to you. I was so embarrassed that someone had to take me by the shoulders and tell me that. It set the bar very high for future jobs. When you get the right baseline, it’s all very manageable and fun. I love doing what I do but there was a period of time where I was so scared that what I had imagined this industry was didn't exist.

It definitely made me prioritize my personal life over my professional life. Because in my professional life, specifically on that job, I was told, you are so wonderful! You are the best! You are the best actress, the prettiest, the most talented. I was the one going out and doing all of the press, doing all of the interviews and engaging with all of the sponsors—I played the game hard for that show, because I thought that they loved me but when I raised my hand and said that there was some really bad stuff going on here, it was all of a sudden you are disposable, you don’t matter to us, we can replace you.  So I knew that I had to create something real in my life so that that work thing couldn’t touch the core anymore. It derailed me, it was like a really bad divorce.

While renovating your home you said, “Even with all the blood, sweat and tears. I felt like I was coming back to the truest version of myself.” It’s a great metaphor of how you were also rebuilding how you felt inside. 

I think that manual labor is very important for self-esteem—being an actress you are treated like you are a little idiot. If you have input of what your lines should be or how you want to wear your hair, your costume or what props you want, in good work environments there is collaboration, in toxic work environments there is eye-rolling, it's like oh, you little idiot, stay in your lane—-just hit your mark, say your lines and go home. So doing tangible work, where I could be in total control and that I controlled the end product was so good for my self-esteem and my self-worth. To this day, I still revert back to that. I just ordered five gallons of paint that got delivered yesterday because I feel so out of control in the midst of this pandemic and what I can control is the color of my living room walls. So when my children go to bed at night, I will be painting my living room. 

“It’s very important that our children witnessed us dividing and conquering and playing to each other’s strengths and championing each other’s strengths.”

You talked about how your friend Scott’s death affected you and that you wanted to “Wake up intentionally. Work intentionally. Eat intentionally. And rest intentionally.” I love that.  What does intention mean to you today?

I lifted that whole passage from a journal that I kept right when Scott died. When I set down to write the book, I pulled out my journals from the last 20 years and put them all out and that specific section, I wrote the week after he died. I still want to live by those words. I don’t want to be a person who mindlessly does things. I don't want to coast because I think it’s a disservice to people who I have lost. If I am not taking advantage of every single day, it’s an affront to the loss; it’s being hyperaware. I can’t live up to that every day, no one can, but if we can manage that like three to four days out of the week, that’s good.

You talk about the moment that you pivoted, after you experienced your first miscarriage, you said, “My grief was making me someone I hated.” You channeled that loss into helping others by volunteering at the Astor Services for Children and Families in Rhinebeck. I love how you said, “In working for others, we found ourselves again.”

I feel safe saying that I am a self-loathing person that stems back to some elementary school drama. Everyone carries some degree of that and everyone deals with it. When I have time to sit there and think about myself and woe is me, I can spiral just as much as the next guy, but when I am feeling that time and putting my energy to where people need it and who are desperately seeking help, affirmation or guidance or physical manual labor. It’s not that I feel better about myself but I feel a purpose out of my own self-loathing. I feel like that becomes a tool instead of a liability. You have to use the tools that you have. My self-loathing allows me to rally the troops in town, or put on a show or paint some walls.

So many women are going to relate to your journey to conceive. My heart was breaking for you as you lost your first and then second baby. Was it hard to reflect back on that part of the journey for the book or was it therapeutic?

I needed to write the book that I needed to read when it happened. The narrative with miscarriage is that women are just getting to be open to talking about it, men haven’t reached that yet. James Van Der Beek is one of the only men, who I know, who has spoken on the subject. There was no way for me to know what was going on with my husband and how he felt about my infertility or our losses because the language wasn’t there. Men aren’t allowed to mourn that way, they are expected to be strong and just help me get through it—it’s their job to make sure that I am okay. A girlfriend gave me a book called Vessels: A Love Story by Daniel Raeburn that was written from the male perspective, without Jeffrey even having to come out of his shell, or his garage where he had been hiding out, all of a sudden, I had this guide book for what he was dealing with and it very much softened my perspective. What I wanted to put into the world was for the couple who perhaps was having trouble and that celebrity narrative of oh, this brought us closer together is making them feel like a failure, the same way that it was making me feel like a failure. I wanted them to know that it is perfectly alright for you and your partner to have two different sets of needs in the midst of trauma and it doesn’t mean that you are doomed or aren't destined for each other, it just means that maybe you have to walk two separate paths for a minute. But that doesn't mean you aren’t going to meet back up. I needed people to know that was okay. There wasn’t a lot of information telling me that it was okay.

I love discussing the subject of fear with people because it can often play such a big player in someone’s life. In the book you wrote, “There is an absolute moment of freedom when you realize that the things that used to scare you have no power over you anymore.” I underlined that about three times. Is there anything that makes you feel fear today that you are working to rise above? 

I have to set new goals for myself—I have said out loud I want to direct. I think it’s important to grow female talent in whatever industry. There is this expectation that you become an actress when you are 20 and you just stay an actress for forever, whereas for men, there are a lot of opportunities for them to direct, produce. create and all of that. I would like to grow in that aspect, I mean I am nervous about it because I don’t know if I’ll be any good. I feel like I have been in the business for a long time and I think I am very comfortable in this current stage because I got what I said I wanted, I got my baby and the farm is becoming a well-oiled machine, so then it becomes what types of stories do I want to tell. I want to write another book, so I am thinking about what’s the next book going to be. The fiction book is always there and I have so many short stories, but because you bring it up, the thing I am most scared of is putting fiction out there because it’s something that I have written my whole life for me and the idea of having it scrutinized is terrifying.

“...it is perfectly alright for you and your partner to have two different sets of needs in the midst of trauma and it doesn’t mean that you are doomed or aren’t destined for each other, it just means that maybe you have to walk two separate paths for a minute. ”

What was the process like of creating the book? 

I spoke with a bunch of different publishers and I cannot praise Harper One enough. The second they got my book and my sample chapters, they were like, this is a feminist book. It was a boardroom full of women and they let me pick everything. They let me art direct it and pick every little piece of it because they wanted me to love it—what an amazing partnership. I didn't anticipate that I would be given that freedom. I cannot wait to write another book for them.

In addition to everything that you do, you also help run Samuel’s Sweet Shop, a joint endeavor in Rhinebeck. What’s been one of the biggest lessons you have learned about running a business?

I was very very lucky in that our business partners Andy Ostroy and his girlfriend Phoebe Jonas and then Julie Rudd and her husband Paul have all brought such different skill sets to the endeavor. Andy has had a marketing company in Manhattan for years so he understands business in a way that I don't necessarily do. Julie was a PR executive and knew what we needed to do to create the brand and I was the one who really wanted to do the manual labor part of it. I wanted to be in the shop and touch everything and make it pretty and aesthetically pleasing. It’s very important that our children witnessed us dividing and conquering and playing to each other’s strengths and championing each other’s strengths. I don’t have any illusions that I am good at everything but I have friends who fill in my gaps.

You are currently co-hosting and producing Night In With the Morgans on AMC and have a recurring role on NBC’s new show, “Council of Dads.” What factors have to come into play before you sign onto a new project?

That’s my kismet job. I had a public falling with a former employer because they weren’t as interested in telling as diverse of stories as I did. I just stopped working with them and it was a paycheck I wasn’t getting. I put out into the world that I wanted to tell more diverse stories and then a girlfriend of mine, Tara who I share the same birthday with and who I reference in the book, we were talking about what we wanted to do for our collective birthday that year and I said I wanted to go to Savannah because I had never been. Three days later, I got a phone call and they said, Hilarie, you got to get on a plane, there is this job waiting for you in Savannah, which was Council of Dads. This show is a beautiful showcase of what family, love and connectivity can be. Even though we shot it  pre-pandemic, I cannot think of a better project to put out into the world right now. It feels really weird to be promoting anything right now, knowing how much hurt and anxiety people are feeling, but I feel very comfortable in pointing people in the direction of that show because I feel like it’s a big warm hug.

[sol1056]

shooting it all into the sun

I haven’t seen anyone else bringing this up (or at least, the people I follow haven’t been reblogging it, if it has) but I think it’s worth pointing out. Given the bios a lot of you have at your headers, I’m guessing most of you haven’t had the firsthand experience that would help you see how startling (and pointed) a certain exec move was, in VLD’s final season. 

To understand that, though, humor me with a thought experiment first. Once you’ve got the basic mindset, then I’ll explain what in S8 made me sit back in absolute shock and reevaluate DreamWorks pretty thoroughly. 

1. Think of a large sum of money for you. Your paycheck, your savings, or all your holiday gift money from elderly relatives. Big enough that spending it all on one thing is a little scary. Let’s call this your cash-on-hand.

2. Think of a decision you make regularly. Do the dishes after dinner, or let them sit overnight? Take this bus at your corner, or walk two blocks for a different bus? Study with friends, or alone? Something relatively minor.   

3. Now imagine: there’s money riding on your choice, equal to the amount in step #1. Choose wrong by some mysterious measure, and you lose all your money. All of it.

4. Another twist: it’s not predictable. The first time you do the dishes right after dinner, you lose. The next time, you wait til morning... and lose. You’d probably realize quickly there must be other factors making an impact.

5. Another twist: if you choose right, you get a bonus. A dollar extra, a hundred, or more. You’d have to pay careful attention to what else could be in play, making the bonus small this time, and huge the next time.

6. And for the god-tier twist, every decision is actually multiple-choice: take the bus, walk, get a ride from a friend, work from home? One choice will cost you, another won’t cost you but won’t gain you either. Another will get you a small but decent bonus, and another gets you a bonus twice your cash-on-hand.  

How would this impact your decision-making? You’d start to track when you lost, when you didn’t, and when you gained. You’d look at all kinds of things: maybe “study with friends” is only good when the teacher's out sick. Or “walk two blocks” is only the right choice if it’s not raining --- and when it is raining, you have to score “get a ride” for the biggest bonus.

Figuring out the logic is going to take some wrong guesses, and each one sets you back to zero. You might get lucky and get a bonus -- and proceed to lose it all trying to reproduce what you did right that one time. Was it the weather? time of day? someone’s mood? So many factors. You’d weigh every decision carefully -- especially new ones. Is this like that time I lost everything, or more like when I got that huge bonus? Hold on, is it raining? Mood check! 

Bottom line: the more you have on the line, and the closer that ‘more’ is to ‘everything you have,’ and the more unpredictable the number of factors, the more conservative (little-c) people tend to be. We’ll hoard, save, hold back. The bigger the gamble, the bigger the potential gains --- but the risks are just as big.

You are now --- in a limited but hopefully illustrative way --- thinking like an executive. Big money, big potential, bigger risk. 

As an exec, maybe you figured in the last stretch of a multi-season show, the staff didn’t need constant supervision... and then you see S8. Obviously, you figured wrong. Whatever your specific complaints, you agree with the other execs: this season needs fixing. And fast.

The question is: what needs to be fixed, and what can be fixed, given time constraints, limited remaining staff, and whatever is left in the budget? It’s a lot of choices with big consequences. 

Doing nothing will cost in a lot of ways: franchise goodwill, future income, your brand and reputation, and of course, the audience’s good faith. Doing nothing simply isn’t an option. At the same time, there’s no point laying new carpet in a house that’s falling down. You can’t fix everything. What can you do that’s just enough to patch up the worst? 

Well, an epilogue where everyone gets a happy ending, that also leaves open the chance for franchise continuation... that might work. It’s not a full episode, and it could be done in the time remaining, by in-house staff. Alright, then. What goes in this couple of minutes? This is your chance to tell the audience what you, as execs, think is a good place for the story to end. What do you want to say? What’s your highest priority? 

A conservative set of execs, from a conservative company (think Nickelodeon) would show each character as happy in their post-series lives, and call it a day. That’s the safe bet. You might not gain much, but you’ll lose less. An adequate fix for the least cost in terms of cash, time, and effort.

In case you missed it: this is not the choice DreamWorks made.

All along, the EPs have paid lip service to VLD’s queer audiences, like in this oft-quoted exchange from Let’s Voltron podcast:

interviewer: Will we be seeing any LGBT representation? LM: It’s super important to us. JDS: Just know that from our perspective, we’re fighting to create as open and broad a spectrum of characters as we can. LM: We can’t give you any definite answers, but just know that--- JDS: We’re fighting for as broad and open representation as we can.

A company playing it safe would give every character an ambiguously (and unpaired) happy ending. A company walking the same edge as the EPs --- a lot of lip service, requiring a lot of reading between the lines --- might give a Korrasami ending. 

An idea of what that might look like: Shiro’s section shows pictures on a mantle. In the center is one of Shiro with another man; perhaps they have their arms around each other, both smiling at the camera, flanked by the paladins. It’s the barest possible nod for a queer audience; for everyone else, that could just be Shiro with his new best (totally-platonic) flight partner. 

That’s choosing to lose small. Throw a bone to the queers, but not so much to piss off the assumed-majority straights in the audience. 

Or you could just say fuck that and go for broke. 

DreamWorks didn’t have to go that big. Really, they didn’t. The EPs had set up a perfect cover for the execs to hide behind: getting representation is hard, so many barriers, you just need to be patient and maybe you’ll get a split second nod that you have to tilt your head and squint to interpret as any kind of queerness, but really, we’re totally fighting for every little scrap. 

DW took the EPs’ protests and tore them into smithereens. Then DW gathered up all those teeny pieces and shot every last one into the goddamn sun. 

In the big picture, I do agree that everything else being equal, a five-second clip like this is pretty much the opposite of satisfactory. Audiences want to see the relationship develop; that’s what really matters. A wedding kiss is just a happy by-product.

But if you’re an exec who has only so much money left to gamble, a company policy of not reacting publicly to audience reactions (for better or worse), and limited time to repair or redo the damage in the final season... you need to make the most of what you do have. 

So you edit Ezor in so she’s not one more dead queer character, you edit a few scenes to include a love interest’s presence earlier in the season... and you blow the lid off the EPs’ prevarication. None of this implying bullshit; you put it all right there on the screen.

You know what that says? 

It says there was no goddamn reason we couldn’t have had a long development of an mlm (or wlw) relationship, onscreen, over the course of several seasons. I don’t care which relationship you think it should be; that’s not the point. It says as far as the execs are concerned, we could’ve had a queer relationship written as romantic and sealed with a kiss, none of this euphemism crap. It says in the execs’ opinion, every time the EPs swore they did ‘all they were allowed to do’, that the EPs were wrong. 

The inserted epilogue is practically a neon sign two stories high. 

HEY THIS IS OKAY BY US, WE WOULD’VE BEEN FINE WITH YOU HAVING THIS EARLIER, JUST SO YOU KNOW

Want to know what else the epilogue tells us?

Remember all the steps at the start of this post, how everything is setting you up (as an exec) for not acting without all possible data, for moving slow and being cautious in case this wrong guess is the final straw? 

There’s another side to that: sometimes, you have to gamble because doing nothing is against everything you stand for. Even if it costs more and appears to gain you nothing in the bank. 

When you take in everything --- from the money lost (20M is a conservative estimate for VLD’s production costs), franchise partners who might not be keen on queer cooties, to the EPs who swore what we got was all they could get --- DW is making a pretty clear statement, here. Being inclusive and progressive is important enough to them that even in a show patently and obviously failing on every count, they’ll still make sure it doesn’t end with a handful of dead queers and one shelved mlm guy. 

Yes, DW still has to clean its own house and do some internal education to make sure its decision-makers don’t sit back for so long and let a bunch of newbie showrunners impose their narrow-minded regressive agenda. Yes, DW was a day late and a dollar short when it came to fixing the catastrophe of S7 and the complete hash of S8. Yes, DW clearly chose to bury S8, rather than yank it back and redo it over. 

But they also chose not to let it go down without showing their support for onscreen, explicit queer characters and relationships. 

Enough with the grumbling about so-called exec meddling; we’re overdue to lay the blame for bad LGBT representation squarely on the EPs. All they gave us was a lot of empty talk. It’s the DW execs who gambled on walking on the walk, and I think it’s time we recognize that.

[anonymoustoddler]

I got stoned and found out some things and started writing a facebook post. And then... it turned into whatever the hell this is:

I went to NYU from 2005-2009.

Ilana Glazer.. apparently went to NYU from 2005-2009.

We graduated at the same time.

ALSO, I thought Rachel Bloom was older but NO, she was there too. And everyone seems to know her except for me.

She didn’t even go to Tisch, or study acting or writing or.. any of it. Rachel did. But all three of us sat in Yankee Stadium at the same time and listened to Hillary Clinton give our graduation speech. We had all the same opportunities and general access, the same potential for experience, exposure, connections, and a career.

And now they are there.

And my BFA’d ass is... right here.

It’s just really strange to think about that. Maybe if I had somehow done things quite differently, I’d be there instead.

Probably not, to be honest. I know I’ve never had whatever that thing is that makes certain people magnetic. I’ve never been the one to stand out in adulthood. I think, in fact, that many people find me rather dull compared to the shine of others in this field. But maybe... maybe if I’d really worked for it, for real. Maybe if I could have put everything into the work instead of most of it into all the wrong places with just a shaving of energy and effort and commitment left over.

But also. Something happened to me, back then. When I left Northview and Grand Rapids and Michigan to head for New York, I believed in my talent. I believed in myself in that way, if not much else. I knew I could do it, and do it well.

A lot of people seem to come into themselves in college. Find themselves, find their people, their passions and strengths, their future. But I think I had the opposite experience altogether. From my very first day in New York, I felt Weird. Different. Loser. Less than. Behind. Misunderstood. Shamed. Overlooked. Ignored. Doubtful. Anxious. Depressed. Afraid. Embarrassed. Hidden. Invisible.

It was a slow motion dissent into the earlier stages of where I am now. But nobody noticed. No one saw an eating disorder or depression or tremendous anxiety. No one saw severe mood instability, executive dysfunction, a strained and codependent and complicated two person family relationship. No one saw the things going on and attributed them to “She’s not ok.” It was always, “She’s immature. She’s selfish and lazy. She doesn’t WANT to grow up, so she’s keeping herself in states of dependency so she never has to try.” “She just doesn’t want any of it badly enough. If she did, she’d be doing the work to get it.”

I wonder, sometimes. If I hadn’t been sick and scared and alone, with only so much understanding at the time of what was happening to me and no understanding of what I was preparing to become; if I had real and proper help from any doctor or professor or from my mom - because I did not understand the severity of my need for help back then, and I thought my family doctor, a PA who actually really fucked up my life multiple times with her loose prescription pad and severe lack of knowledge of what she was doing, had me covered - what might I have accomplished instead of spending most of my free time in bed, balancing a part time job but barely able to take on anything else. 30 hours a week in retail plus commuting was literally everything I had in me WHEN I WAS AT MY BEST IN LIFE. When I was the closest I ever got to being a rack rate size, when I was still able to prioritize limited money spending, still eating both regularly and healthfully (as much so as I’ve ever been), still exercising simply by getting around, sleeping ok enough for the most part and generally on a more normalized schedule. I mean — I got up at 6 to be at work at 8 OFTEN. It was excruciating sometimes, but other times it was fun to get up and get ready for work. I had routines. I loved getting off the train at my SoHo stop and, depending on which line I took and how much time I had, getting my coffee at Starbucks or at Aroma, so overpriced but an entirely different experience and worth the convenience and sometimes a pastry to go along.

I’ve gotten quite entirely away from myself, but.. I was doing the best I’ve ever done or maybe will ever do. And I still could not work to pay my bills and also take voice and tap and jazz and scene study and exclusive workshops and networking events and open calls and appointment auditions and keeping up with theater and film and the business and and and.

I went to a handful of auditions in 2013 and 2014 - My Only Almost Good Years. Things were actually pretty horrible for the majority of them but it was also mostly the closest I ever got to Good in the beginning.

Regardless, I subscribed to Actors Access and I got the only real headshots I ever had taken and I submitted and submitted and submitted (not nearly as regularly or often as I should have, because I was still too scared then. I still gave a shit.) and I very occasionally got an audition. I submitted for a commercial call Under 18 girls skin care. I got called in. When the CD saw me, she told me they were only considering minors, but she wanted to keep my headshot and info anyway. I never heard from her again.

I got a call for a short film once (or was it a web series? Who knows) and even got a callback. But no part.

I did one show in those two years. Technically I guess one could argue two if you count the weird little Christmas play I did for no money right after I moved at the end of 2012, but. Aside from that... one casting. One.

In New Jersey. No pay - travel stipend included.

I was 24 years old playing a 12 year old in an aged down musical version of Three Sisters set in 1970s New Jersey. “We have to get back to Mosc- New York City!” But with generic numbers telling most of what little story there was.

And then I took an acting class, I fell and injured myself, my body wasn’t ever the same after that, and by the time my shoulder was as normal as it would ever be again, my brain was really starting to crack. I was depressed and anxious. I hated living in Brooklyn, I hated having no friends after so briefly being close with Jenn. I hated my roommate, the only man I had ever lived with before George. And no wonder. He was one of the worst people I’ve ever met, I think. The worst kind of fucked up Entitled Vaguely Wealthy White Male. He enjoyed making me upset, making me feel unsafe. He listened to me express my issues with things he did and instead of even pretending to care about living harmoniously, he laughed in my face and used every chance he could get to fuck with me for the kick of it. He was rude and weird and cold and cruel and cocky and prideful and hateful and gross and mean. He was selfish and thoughtless and manipulative. I knew he felt wrong from the moment I met him. I knew. But our third roommate was chill and relaxed and flexible, she seemed to get along with both of us enough so I thought she could and would act as a buffer if it ever came to that. I knew but I loved the apartment, and he found it and I didn’t have any friends to grab it out from under him with. I knew he was a bad guy and someone I might well have real trouble with and discomfort around, but Jenn had gone silent and enemy for reasons and in ways I will never, ever understand. One day she was my friend, and the next she was putting locks on her doors and saying I should really move out of HER apartment as soon as possible. She stopped speaking to me. She passive aggressively left disgusting messes all over the apartment. She locked the living room television in her bedroom and told some version of events in which I was the bad guy somehow to friends who we both went to school with, people I knew and liked. They in turn randomly met my coworkers and proceeded to say horrible things about me, and the only reason I even know is because one of them told me about it in the break room the next time I worked.

I knew Nick was a terrible risk in multiple ways. But I had to get out of the apartment because at the time I didn’t think it could be worse than living with Jenn, and Dan was a third who I thought would be in my corner, and the apartment was so much nicer than most of the places I had lived. I thought I could make it work. I thought that move was going to save me.

By the time my headshots were taken, I was beginning to lose feeling in my legs. I was struggling to keep treading water and starting to drown. I never got the free retouching because I never chose my final shots. I never chose because I barely submitted for auditions. I was doing on partial leave from work and doing as much physical therapy as I could afford to copays for, I was taking percocet for months and months because the pain wouldn’t go away. Something’s Wrong, I said. The Scans Look Normal, Try Taking Ibuprofen. I was home and hiding in bed more and more often. I extended my work leave and gave shifts away as much as I could. I went to therapy and a middle aged white woman with long beaded necklaces and a New Age Buddhism vibe in a shoebox office on the Upper East Side was getting tired of me and my lack of progress and consistent last minute cancellation of appointments. I went back to work and had panic attacks that kept me sobbing uncontrollably for over an hour, so many shifts spent partially alone sitting in a little room in the basement back of house, steam pumps taking up much of the space and nothing else there aside from a single office chair and a little grey table. I spent my entire hour lunch chain smoking on a stoop down the street. I smoked cigarette after cigarette, compulsively and even when I did NOT want any more. I talked more loudly and often about how bad things were, about my disorder and anxiety and depression and people liked me less and I was alone at work more. New people came on and old people left and new cliques formed and I had no friends. Work was torture and home was terrifying. I got through the summer by getting stoned on the roof so I wouldn’t have to be in the apartment in case he was home. But then one day my door knob broke and I was so terrified he would go into my room and take or break or mess with my things and the fear and panic were so real and so severe that I missed my best friend’s baby shower because I couldn’t find a locksmith on a Sunday and I couldn’t leave my room until I fixed my door knob. She was angry with me for a long time after that. We never saw each other before I moved back to Michigan. I don’t even know when we last saw each other anymore.

I could keep telling this story for hours, days. Tell every piece as I remember it straight on through 2014 and into 2015 and cancer and treatment and 2016 and George and more cancer and the worst possible conditions for a new relationship and relapse and the beginning of my current inability to function because everything was depression and exhaustion and loneliness. And on and on through five more moves and break up and emergency surgery and being thrown into the drivers seat and struggling with my mom’s health changes and selling my home and leaving everything I had for something new that was just more versions of bad. The scariest loneliest months of my life. And then the even scarier even lonelier ones after she died.

But just... just think of all that. And what if most of it had never happened?? If I’d gotten proper help a decade ago, who would I be now? Where?

Maybe I’d be there. With them.

Instead of here, alone, with nothing but memories of other times when I was also sad and life felt pointless.

I wonder what it would have been like to be there instead. I wish I knew.

[tomswifty-fr]

(Explanation: this was for a forum thread where you were supposed to have your dragons tell stories to a story-ghost, but the original poster stopped responding and I’m not about to let 2300+ words of dumb teen adventures go to waste.) 

(My greatest apologies to mobile readers)

“Well, it started with me and Ithaca. We were bored. Square Toe is a dumb place to live, y’know? It’s so small and there’s nothing to do! They won’t let us into Habitat or Leo’s, ‘cuz we’re too young. The desert is just the desert. It’s boring and hot and everyone says it’s full of ghosts, but I’ve never seen one. I wish I had. Ithaca wanted to go flying, but I’m bad at flying. My wings are too short.” She stretches one out to prove it. “My uncle says they’ll get bigger, but I don’t think so. Everything else on me stopped growing a long time ago.

“Ithaca’s my best friend, by the way. She’s good at everything, and she’s really brave and stuff…. We spend a lot of time together. I told her I didn’t want to fly, and she suggested some other stuff. Hang out at the library, sneak into Tom’s workshop, go over to the orchard and climb trees until we got caught and chased out. I guess I was in kind of a crummy mood and kept saying no, I don’t want to do that, that’s dumb. I felt bad about it, but I kept saying no. I could tell she was getting annoyed too, so when she said we should go explore the old part of town I said yes, even though we’ve done it a jillion times before.

“Okay so, Square Toe’s a really weird town. I said it was small but there’s actually a lot of it. I guess there used to be a bunch more dragons living here a long time ago, so the city itself is really big and there’s a lot of empty buildings and stuff. Everyone lives close together though, so the old town is empty and really worn out. I used to think it was creepy until I started going there. You can find cool stuff sometimes, like old graffiti, and once I found a little carved hainu. Ithaca heard there was an old statue garden with lots of weird sculptures and that’s what she wanted to go see…”

Riley sneezed again. It was cooler in this cellar, sure, but there was so much dust it was impossible to see anything. She guessed Ithaca had given up on the statues by now; there’s no way they’d be someone’s old basement.

“Hey, check this out!” Ithaca was bent over the remains of a desiccated wooden crate, her feathered tail wagging fiercely and raising even more piles of dust. Riley stifled another sneeze and came over to look.

It was full of paper masks. Tundras with furry fringe, Guardians with drooping horns, Imperials with yarn whiskers, and even a Talonok with cutout beak. “That one looks like you!” Ithaca laughed, pointing to a Mirror mask with four eyes but only two eyeholes. “I could wear it to the library and check out books on your account.”

“And stick me with all the late fees? No way! I should pretend to be you, so I can eat at your house every night. Harry’s a lousy cook.” Riley snatched for a Wildclaw mask in faded purple, intending to hold it up and perform a scathing imitation of her friend, but the ancient paper crumbled in her claws. “Ugh.”

Ithaca made a half-hearted attempt to force the crate closed, giving up with the lid still open at an awkward angle. “Okay, one more basement? If we don’t find anything good, we’ll give up.”

Riley nodded. “Sure, next building?”

“I was thinking that.” Ithaca pointed, drawing Riley’s attention to an empty doorway on the other side of the room.

“That’s just a closet.”

“No, I bet it’s a connected basement. Feel? There’s air!”

Riley concentrated, then gave up. “I don’t feel anything, but I believe you. What are we gonna do about- ” She instinctively caught the small object Ithaca tossed her, then looked down. “Oh. Where’d you get these?”

Ithaca waved her own small lantern and stuck out her tongue mischievously. “Borrowed them from my mom. I told her we were going camping tonight. They’re magic, so we don’t have to worry about them going out. Don’t drop yours though, okay?” There was just a tinge of worry in her otherwise carefree tone; magic items were expensive.

“What do you think I am, a hatchie? I’m not gonna drop it.” She switched hers on with a sigh. “Let’s go.”

*

“How far apart are these basements supposed to be?”

“I don’t know.”

“Shouldn’t we turn around?”

“You can if you want.”

Riley turned her head, looked at the black tunnel behind her, and turned it back to look at the black tunnel and snappish friend in front of her, who was just as nervous but trying to hide it. “Nah, I’ll stay.”

The so-called ‘connected basement’ had turned into a too-long trek down a crumbling stone tunnel. It wasn’t quite cramped, but she and Ithaca were travelling single file. The only saving grace was that there didn’t seem to be any spiderwebs or even a lot of dust, but the slight dampness under Riley’s feet took away any reassurance she could have got from that fact. Flash floods were a fact of Highland Scrub life; thunderstorms were more common further south in Lightning territory, but rushing water could travel miles and miles and be just as violent with the distance.

Wouldn’t that be a stupid way to die, she thought. Drowned in a stupid tunnel with my stupid friend. At least we won’t have to pay for ruining the lanterns.

After another little distance of silence and worrying, the corridor opened up into another chamber. The two teens almost breathed sighs of relief, before noticing one crucial fact.

“Ithaca? This isn’t a basement.”

It was a large, natural looking cavern, with a ceiling towering dozens of feet above them (Riley realized, a little too late, that the tunnel they’d been going through had been a downward slope). Their lanterns didn’t illuminate very far but were able to reveal a few details: stalagmites jutting up from the floor, water droplets sparkling on the walls, and scuff marks on the ground behind them. The humidity was much higher than either of the desert-dwellers were used to; Riley’s scales itched, and she could see Ithaca’s headfeathers starting to poof up.

Ithaca reached up to scratch her feathers, her eyes getting bigger all the time. “This is so cool.”

“What?”

“No, it’s really cool! It’s a whole cave! And we found it! Do you think it’s connected to Square Toe Cave?”

There was a slightly manic tone to Ithaca’s voice, as if she were overcome by the potential of their discovery. It made sense; Square Toe Cave was the life of Square Toe; almost literally. The underground reservoir was the only thing that had let the original inhabitants build everything they did. Even in its diminished present state, it was all that let the current residents live lives of (relative) comfort in the desert.

“If it is, we didn’t really discover it though, we just found another entrance. They’ll close it off and put another guard up.”

“Ok, so we don’t tell anyone. We keep quiet and have our own cave.”

Riley was trying to match her friend’s enthusiasm, but it was hard. “We’d better not tell anyone. We’d get in trouble just for going through that tunnel.” She mimicked an adult voice, deep and monotone. “Stay out of the tunnels, they’re dangerous, they’re unexplored, they’ve got mimics in them- ”

“That’s for the tunnels in the library. And they just do that because they think they connect to Square Toe Cave.”

“They won’t care. I mean, your dad works in the Cave and he’s always going on about how dangerous it is underground, with floods and stuff and the risk of it collapsing and everything.”

“Yeah, but- ” A scraping sound stopped the argument in its tracks. Suddenly, both teens were extremely aware that they were in a weird cave they didn’t know anything about. Nobody knew they were here. There was something in here with them.

“A mimic?” Ithaca whispered.

“Probably.” Riley breathed back.

It made sense. Mimics lived anywhere they could. The library would have been infested with them, if it wasn’t for constant searching and pest control. This place? Dark, quiet, empty? It would be perfect for them. Mimics were harmless anyway. If you tried to open a mimic book you might get your claws nipped, but that was all. They were scared of dragons. Kimball even kept one as a pet. If it was mimics, it was fine.

The scraping sound appeared again.

They froze.

They waited.

They relaxed.

And suddenly a shape loomed up in front of them. It was large and dark and blue, and smelled like metal and water. Riley didn’t know any more details because by the time she registered the thing, she was already running back up the tunnel, the lantern beam bouncing wildly, strobing the blank walls. Something was running behind her, and she hoped hoped hoped to the Eleven that it was Ithaca.

After what seemed like a long time, too long, she emerged from the tunnel. It was Ithaca behind her. Immediately, in an unspoken agreement, they grabbed the crate of masks and pulled it to the opening, tipping it over and scattering masks across the floor. Neither paid attention to the paper disintegrating under their claws or the sequins and yarn bits bouncing around their claws. It didn’t block the entrance perfectly, but having it there made them both feel a little better.

Outside, Riley wrote ‘BEWARE’ on the building front with a piece of chalk Ithaca found in some pocket of hers. “What do you- what do you think that was?” She was babbling, but tried to concentrate on thinking and writing to soothe her pounding heart. “I’ve never heard of a mimic that big, and it couldn’t have been a dragon. It didn’t- I mean- ” Instead of talking, she pointed to her front eyes, the heat-seeing ones. “It was cold. It didn’t smell like a dragon either. I don’t know what it could be.” Turning to give back the chalk, she saw Ithaca, pale behind her feathers. She was shaking.

“Hey, hey?” Riley took her claw as she handed the chalk back. “We’re okay, right? It didn’t follow us.”

“No, it’s not that.” Ithaca looked sick. “I lost my light.”

“Oh.” Riley paused. “That sucks.” It seemed inadequate.

“Yeah.”

“Let’s head back.”

“And it really just seemed dumb. We just escaped some kind of cave monster and it’s still there under the old city and we can’t tell anyone, or we’ll get in big trouble. I know we should, but I don’t want to. What if we just imagined it? But even if we imagined it, there’s still a cave down there. And losing the light was stupid too. It almost felt worse than, than, whatever happened down there. I mean, it felt more real, you know? But that’s not the weirdest part.

“Ithaca slept over with me that night, because it was already late, and she told her parents we were going camping anyway and she didn’t want to tell her mom she lost one of her lanterns. When she went back the next morning there wasn’t anyone home- she told me this part, I wasn’t there. I guess her dad was at work and her mom and her sister were somewhere, which is pretty normal. But the lantern was lying on the kitchen table. It wasn’t broken or anything. So she gave them both back and didn’t get in trouble, but it was really weird. The whole thing is just weird.

“Anyway, that’s what happened. I guess nothing really bad came out of it, but it was a couple of weeks ago and it’s still weird. Creepy, even. I’m gonna be thinking about it for a long time. She gets up, stretching her legs. “I just wanted to get that off my chest. Thanks for uh, thanks for listening, I guess.” She leaves, in that same loping run as before, not bothering to wait for a response.

*

Some time passes, and another form fades into view. This one is paler and transparent, and if it ever was a dragon, it sure isn’t anymore. “This isn’t even a story, but something strange happened to an acquaintance of mine a little while ago.”

“His name is Davy, and he was alive until very recently. Death’s been a hard adjustment for him, especially since the person he’s haunting moved very recently, so he has to get used to a whole new place as well. He likes to stay underground, in caverns and cellars and so forth. I think he finds the darkness comforting.

“Well, he told me that the other day he finds a couple of kids spelunking, goes over to say hello, and they start screaming like they’ve seen a ghost- which I suppose they had!” She laughs. “He noticed one of them dropped something, so he went to ask if I could return it since I’m more familiar with the town. Been around it longer, so to speak. Well, I recognized the description, there’s not that many kids around that age in town, so I returned it.

“Later, Ripper tells me- he’s another, well he’s not quite a ghost.” A frown. “Well, we stick together, all us not-quite-dragons-anymore. The one kid, the feathery one, has started asking Vince about ghosts. She didn’t tell him what happened, just acting curious, but I just had to laugh. Vince calls himself a ghost hunter, but his idea of trying to catch us is a propped-up box with a string and a peanut butter sandwich! And all the while she’s sitting there, soaking all his nonsense in, Mike is puttering by right in asking distance. Mike knows miles more about ghosts that Vince does; he’s dating one!”

She shakes her head. “Well, maybe that’s not funny either. Time can warp your sense of humor, I’ve heard. I just think it goes to show. I’m not sure what it shows, but it shows something.”

[shirtlesssammy]

14x07: Unhuman Business

Then:

LaLaLa, this is not happening, LaLaLa

Now:

Uh, something seems to be wrong with my TV. Just Lucifer Nick blabbering on about his family and his regret for killing people that won’t help him find who killed his family.

At the bunker, Jack is not doing great, guys. Cas is attempting to heal him, but whatever is wrong with Jack is beyond his angel powers.

As the boys discuss their impossible situation, Jack falls to the floor, coughing blood and foaming at the mouth. They rush him to the hospital ASAP. 

Worried Dad Dean is HIGH MAINTENANCE, but I’ll forgive his overbearing ways. Jack is in deep trouble. First, the hospital just needs some basic data, like name and date of birth, both of which the Winchesters fumble on. Jack’s a Winchester you doofs! And I guess Jack is 18. And his dad exploded. Jack then collapses and the medical staff rush him to a room, Sam, Dean, and Cas by his side. 

(That framing tho)

God, my TV buzzed out again. Please stand by while I figure out WHY WE SHOULD CARE ABOUT NICK. He talks to a reporter and learns there was a cop, Frank Kellogg, who was patrolling Nick’s neighborhood the night his family died.

At the hospital, Jack’s tests results all came back negative. They’re going to have to run more tests. (Lol, I love how all of this is put in the vaguest way possible. Like not all tests are positive or negative, and what are they testing for?) The one thing they do know: His body is in complete systemic shutdown. (I read on Twitter the friendly reminder that you’re not a real hunter until you’ve died and come back again. Coolcoolcoolcoolcool.)

The brothers decide it’s time to explore other options: Rowena. Dean suggests calling her. Sam already did. (Samwitch! --my Saileen heart hates me every time I goof about this) (Natasha: SAME) The doctor walks in on the boys dressing Jack to leave. AND LET ME JUST FALL INTO A PIT OF EMOTION watching Cas put his coat on Jack.

ROWENA arrives as fast as she can (like, oof, there isn’t anything in this for her. She just showed up to help the Winchesters? Guh.) She thinks Dean is in trouble, but Sam reveals it’s really Jack, Lucifer’s son. Rowena’s out. Before she bolts though, Jack works his magic nougat ways.

Rowena breaks the bad news that without Jack’s grace, his nephilim body can’t sustain itself. Cas offers up his own grace to save him. I’M NOT CRYING, YOU’RE CRYING! As Ro is nixing that idea, Dean’s vision starts to blur and his hearing warbles in and out. 

Not sure what was happening in this next Nick scene. He’s weird around a woman in an alley. She invites him back into the bar (WHY?) (Natasha: WHYYYYYYYY?) and then he secretly pulls a knife. In a brief moment of clarity, he yells at her to get away and she runs. And for the record: the giant neon S stands for Satan.

At the bunker, Overprotective Dean brings Jack a sandwich and milk. PURE. Jack is packing up and ready to hit the road, live a little before he dies. I’M NOT DYING, YOU’RE DYING.

Dean gets some serious dimples of discontent after listening to Jack but he’s not disagreeing with the boy.

Sam and Cas AND Rowena are on the research train. Cas presides over a mountain of books while Rowena and Sam call everyone they think might be able to help the poor young wee nephilim.

Dean gets the updates. The books are a bust, but Sam talked to Ketch, who has tipped them off about a shaman who might help. Dean takes all this in...maybe? In actuality, Dean wavers in and out of focus again. Oh, Dean Bean. Cas offers to tackle the shaman lead and the Winchesters can stay behind to look out for Jack. Enter Jack, with backpack, ready for adventure! Dean and Jack are heading out, to Castiel’s disapproval.

A little while later, Dean and Jack pick up some burgers and Dean tosses Baby’s keys to wee Jack. It’s driving lesson time! There’s so much wrapped up in this scene: Dean’s stunted childhood, his incredible capacity to nurture, Jack’s hero worship. MY HEART is wrapped up in this scene. They ease out on the road and Jack gains confidence quickly.

Dean turns on some tunes and BTO’s “Let it ride” sets the mood. Classic rock is such an important aspect of this show, and we didn’t realize how much we missed it as a set piece until this scene of open road driving.

(I’ll confess that I spent the first viewing of this scene ready for Jack to pass out and the car to careen dramatically off the road. I’m glad it didn’t.)

Cas heads out to find Sergei the shaman but before he goes, he talks with Sam about Dean’s reaction to Jack’s illness. “He seems to be taking this particularly hard,” Castiel observes. Sam tells him that Dean feels bad for the time he spent wishing Jack a swift and painful death at the beginning of last season.

Heartbreaking dialogue alert:

Sam: He’s lost people. We’ve all lost people but…

Cas: This feels different. Losing a son feels different.

But stow away those emotions, friends, because it’s time to go back to fun!Dad Dean. They’re eating more fast food, pulled over on the side of the road. “I’m a driver!” Jack announces gleefully. Yes, bby. Dean suggests a bar with promising hook-up potential. (Me: flashes back to Dean’s “Last night on Earth” speech with Cas back in season 4...and like, all of season 3.) Jack’s got other plans.

Nick finds Frank Kellogg, brings up the bare facts of his case, and then pushes Frank inside and holds him by the throat. Time to chat.

By a tumbling, small river, Jack gets into Dean’s deepest emotions like he’s ordering an ice cream shake at a diner. While they fish, Jack casually brings up that Dean and his father went fishing and that it was one of Dean’s happiest memories of him. Dean tries to dissemble, but Jack’s sure as a rock. (Now, there’s been some discussion about whether this was meant to refer to John or Bobby. My vote’s heavily on John. Dean loved his father, was disappointed by him, and longed for many things he could never have at the same time. Fishing with John Winchester was probably a shocking circle of calm - a pool of stillness and peace.)

Jack tells Dean that he wouldn’t miss the big, showy things in the world. Instead, he’d miss more time with Dean and the other people in his life.

Dean BARELY holds it together, a quaver in his voice as he returns, “Who’d’ve thought time with me would make you sentimental?” Dean. Bean.

Meanwhile, Cas drives his adorable blue car to meet Sergei the shaman. He’s immediately enveloped in a circle of holy fire. Thanks, buddy.

Sergei lives in a pimped out trailer, with flowers painted on the exterior and lushly colored and patterned textiles draped all over the interior. He proposes a “recharging agent” for Jack - something to shock his system and derail the degeneration. He offers Cas archangel grace (purportedly from Gabriel) and a spell to activate it. And the cost is simply that the Winchesters will owe him a favor. Sounds like a hell of a price to me.

Meanwhile Nick beats the shit out of Frank Kellogg. We learn that Nick’s neighbor saw Frank leave his house the night of the murders and the cops made him cover it up. Frank confesses that he met a man named Abraxis outside of Nick’s house and the next thing he knew, he was covered in blood. Frank was possessed by a demon which is some crazy ass shit, right? Sigh. Nick kills Frank horribly anyway, in a scene that goes on for WAY too long.

WAY the fuck too long.

In a giant breath of fresh air, we get back to the bunker, once again full of TFW 2.0 and Rowena Our Queen. They hand Jack the grace and it enters his body as Rowena chants the spell. Lights flicker. Jack’s eyes glow golden again. It’s worked!

Jack stumbles and falls again, worse than before.

Cas chews out Sergei via phone call and Sergei defends himself by saying that “science is sometimes trial and error.” It’s...awfully reminiscent of Michael’s experimentation, yes? It also reminds me of real world experimental parallels - now and throughout history. In a word: yikes.

Side note: Having once had a loved one’s body try to shut down in the ICU with no discernible cause...this episode really did hit home for me. It’s so easy in fiction to have a magical healing ability, and so much harder when there’s no explanation, no quick cure, and treatments that have your doctors crossing their fingers. I feel for all these dudes, and the doctors as well, is what I’m saying.

Anyway, Cas is pissed, and vows to smite Sergei’s ass if Jack dies.

For Vengeful Science

At Frank’s house, Nick prays to Lucifer and begs him to come back. In the blackness of the Empty, what looks like the Empty entity morphs into being and its eyes glow Lucifer-red. Well, fuck. (I’m actually excited to see the Empty again, but I am quite displeased about Lucifer.)

In the bunker, TFW mourns Jack’s rapidly failing condition. Rowena counsels them to stay by his side, for death approaches on swift wings.

Root Beer Quotes:

He’s sick, his name is Jack Kline, his father exploded.

Samuel, I thought we were beyond this.

Well, if it’s grace he needs, he can have mine.

Eyes on the road.

This is the best day ever!!!

Born with a wheel in your hand, huh?

Life isn’t all these big, amazing moments. It’s time together that matters.

Life - all of it - is a risk.

Want to read more? Check out our Recap Archive!

[kittenwitchandthebadvibes]

Recovery - Self Harm

Several beautiful and brave kittens have messaged me recently asking for advice on self harm, so I wanted to do a post addressing the topic. Your usual post will be up tomorrow instead, and I have put the info behind a read more for those who might find the discussion potentially triggering.

Also a reminder that I try to make myself available on messenger if you need to chat, or need more immediate attention 😺 💖

Be safe, my little pumpkins! I love you and you are doing so well!

CW/TW SELF HARM

Understanding Self Harm and Why It's Hard to Quit

Self Harm is an Addiction

It is important to understand that the urge to self harm does not come from a logical, long-term thinking part of the brain, but from the part of the brain that craves immediate gratification. When we experience pain, the body responds by releasing endorphins, which can provide a temporary high by activating the body's opiate receptors. This reaction is similar to the experience of a drug high, and can become addictive, making the cycle of self harm even harder to break.

Knowing that self harm can be an addiction, be realistic and kind to yourself in your recovery. Quitting cold turkey may be harder than easing off gradually. Just like with quitting smoking, try to find your equivalent of a nicotine patch. Expect and plan for withdrawals, and don't be hard on yourself if you have slip ups.

Self Harm is a Crutch

When a mental illness 'blocks' your ability to feel, self harm can act as a temporary 'lift' to this block. Other things that can cause the brain to release endorphins, such as exercise, impulse buying, eating favourite foods, drug use, etc. can still enable a quick, but temporary, hike in feel-good chemicals even in an unhealthy brain. When this is the only way to feel good, or feel anything at all, a drug-like high can be very tempting.

If you take away your crutch, you will fall down. Plan to replace one crutch with another until you can walk by yourself again; something less destructive, that still gives you similar feelings even if they're still temporary.

Mental Illness Is An Enabler

It is a lot more difficult to reject the urge to self harm when your mental illness is trying to convince you that you aren't worth the effort. Furthermore, it is a lot easier to give in when you feel like you desperately need that quick relief, even when you know you will be upset at yourself afterwards.

If you haven't already, seek professional help to manage your mental illness. Managing the source of your problems is better than managing all of the symptoms.

Self Harm Isn't Just Cutting

Self harm can refer to any behaviour that is intentionally self-sabotaging, and does not necessarily have to include breaking the skin and drawing blood. Other examples of physical self harm might include biting or hitting yourself, or sleep deprivation, starvation, and over exertion. Even an increase in behaviours that may result in harm indirectly, such as reckless driving, walking into traffic, or placing yourself in dangerous places is considered self harm.  

Don't allow yourself to replace one form of self harm with another, and don't allow yourself to be convinced that "it's ok, because it's not as bad as cutting". You deserve to be your own ally.

Finding Your Way to Recovery Why do YOU Self Harm?

Try and identify from the list below why you, personally, self harm, and it may be easier to find an appropriate alternative.

There are four main categories that people who self-harm find themselves in:

Needing Release

You might feel overwhelmed by people or situations around you, or by your own emotions. While harming doesn't FIX any of these, it does give you a sense of escape.

Wanting to Feel

You might find yourself in a headspace where you're unable to feel any positive emotions, or any emotions at all. By harming yourself you may be able to bypass that blockage, and you can feel again.

Wanting Control

When things happen around us that we can't control, we might need to find other things in our lives we can. By exerting control over one thing, like our bodies, it can make it feel as if we're still somewhat in control.

Punishment

You might be feeling as if you've done something to deserve being hurt, or maybe you can't think of any other way to call for help. Maybe the people around you aren't taking you seriously when you try to discuss your upset, and you're left feeling like this is the only way you'll find an escape, or get the attention you need.

Alternatives

NOTE: As with any coping mechanism, there are ways to over-use, miss-use or abuse the following activities. Many mental illnesses make us especially vulnerable to risk taking behaviour and devaluing our selves. You are precious and important, and you've already done such a brave thing in seeking a way out of your situation, please take care of yourself while exploring these options. Talk them over with your loved ones or your doctors if you are unsure. Some of these activities are more suitable to your situation than others. Take into account how your mental health might affect your motivation, energy, etc.

Activities that can help you to feel:

- Exercise: Particularly cardiac exercise, exercise also has noted mental and physical health benefits. Running can help to capitalize on the energy in anxiety driven self harm, and a decent work out can also trigger muscle wear which will provide a much healthier sense of pain. Endorphin release is also noted to last much longer after exercise. Be safe, and remember not to over exert yourself.

- Eating: many people seek comfort in food, especially indulgence foods. Chocolate and sweets can provide short bursts of endorphins, but spicy foods can also have the same affect, with potentially longer lasting endorphin rushes. Spicy food registers in the brain as pain, and has the added benefit of speeding up your metabolism. Be conscious of your dietary requirements, and try to avoid over eating; large quantities of any food can make you feel sluggish and unwell, and spices in large amounts can cause gastronomic distress. Placing chili on the lips, even without eating, can cause a burning sensation that is relatively easy to extinguish with milk or creamy foods. But enjoy yourself, food is amazing and you deserve to eat!

- Aromas: Certain scents can trigger endorphin release in some people. As with eating, even the smell of a good meal may help. Food scents, like vanilla, and lavender are the ones most commonly quoted. Consider combining the scents with a warm bath, or into a moisturizer and giving your self a massage. Always read directions for oil use first! @myexplodingcat has a wonderful post here on the many ways to use essential oils here

Activities that give a sense of control:

- Organization/Cleaning: it doesn't matter if it's your whole house or just reorganizing your desktop, many people find great satisfaction from putting things in order. Many also find cleaning or decluttering your space helps brighten moods in general.

- Calorie Counting or Meal Planning

PLEASE TAKE NOTE THAT IF YOU SUFFER FROM AN EATING DISORDER OR HAVE FOOD-RELATED SELF HARM ISSUES, THIS MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR YOU. IF YOU ARE CONSIDERING CALORIE COUNTING, PLEASE ENSURE YOU DO NOT GO UNDER 1200 CALORIES A DAY. THIS SHOULD NOT BE AN EXERCISE THAT MAKES YOU CRITICAL OF YOUR BODY, YOU ARE PERFECT AND WORTHY IN ANY SHAPE YOU TAKE

Calorie counting does not work for everyone, but it can be an excellent way to ensure you're eating enough, and provides a sense of control over your body. Apps like My Fitness Pal can allow you to set goals and complete daily dairies, as well as check you're getting the right amount of vitamins from your food. It also goes hand in hand with meal planning. For some, being able to plan ahead gives a sense of control, even if you don't end up strictly adhering to it.

- Daily Routines

If you're usually good at sticking to schedules, planning your week or having a daily routine can help you feel in control and accomplished. It could be as simple as arranging a daily chat at the same time each day, or going for walks after dinner.

Activities that give a sense of release or escape:

- Gaming: Any media that helps you escape from reality and successfully distract you can help here, but gaming (as opposed to TV) uses more mental energy and cognitive power, as well as giving you a sense of accomplishment.  

- Journaling / Creating: Writing uses a different part of the brain than thinking or talking, and can help with feeling overwhelmed. @tinypaintdrops has a fantastic TedX talk on their experiences with creating artwork in place of self harm, which you can watch here

- Exercise: In addition to being on the list for helping to create endorphins, exercise can help to release built up tension and give the sensation of release. Running or fighting-based exercises, like boxing or martial arts, can be especially helpful.

Punishment-mimickimg alternatives:

- Holding Ice:

A common alternative; holding ice can really hurt. While holding it against an area you would normally harm is usual, even holding onto them with your sensitive finger tips is enough.

- Wrist band flicking:

Another common alternative; the idea is that a really good sharp flick can cause pain without risking serious injury.

- Hugs: If you have someone who gives good back-cracking hugs, this is a good way to mimic pain without actually hurting yourself. Physical contact also encourages oxytocin release, which makes you feel good and helps forge connections.

- Antiseptic: If, despite your best efforts, you have fallen into your old cutting habit, try to stop at one cut and then treat your cut with antiseptic. It will sting and provide further pain, while hopefully minimizing your need for more. While this is obviously not an optimal solution, it makes the best of a bad situation, and gives your cut the best chance at healing. Quitting is hard, and set backs don't mean you've failed.  Every cut you don't make is a success.

Others Who Can Help

Based on a past post, Kitten Witch now has a Helpline Tab filled with helplines listed by country (including text based, toll-free, and phone options) if you need further help.

A Big List of People to Help Ensure You Are Safe and Sound (aka "a blop hey ass")

A Reminder

You are not going to recover immediately. It will be slow, and there will be set backs, and that is totally fine. You will be illogical and you will make bad decisions, and that doesn't mean you have failed or that you are unworthy. You are living in a world that doesn't yet understand mental health or know how to help you, and that is not your fault. Slowly, we are equipping each other with the tools that will help you fight this. Bit by bit, and day by day, you are making your world a better place. I am so glad you're choosing to be here. I am so so proud of you. Keep going, you’re going to make it 💖

[winchester-with-wings]

Chemical Reactions (Part 13)

Based off an anon request for Sub!Barry. I took it to mean either Submissive!Barry or Substitute Teacher! Barry. This series is for Substitute Teacher!Barry Allen.

Series Summary: Being a teacher at Central City Academy doesn’t leave much time for a personal life. You didn’t really notice or care…that is until the day the new substitute science teacher, Barry Allen makes an appearance.

SERIES MASTERLIST

Part 13 Summary: Barry takes you home to Joe’s house for Thanksgiving and the two of you get a little naughty in his childhood bedroom.

Pairing: Barry Allen x Reader, Substitute Teacher!Barry Allen x Teacher!Reader

Word Count: 3500

A/N: It’s literally been months since the last part and since I last posted anything. A lot has happened lately. I got promoted. I got married. I went on my honeymoon. And then my dad decided he wanted to sell the house we were renting from him so we had to find a new place to live and I moved a few weeks ago and now I’ve been working 45+ hours a week to try and make money to pay our higher rent and credit card debt that built up from the wedding. *catches my breath* Sooo thank you all so so much for being patient with me and I hope this was worth the wait! 

Please let me know what you guys think! Send me asks!

Mobile Masterlist / Ko-Fi (anything helps to pay the bills <3)

You honestly couldn’t remember the last time you’d been so nervous for a holiday dinner. The holidays with Cait and Ronnie were easy. Cait’s mom never came around so it was really what you liked to call a “friends-giving.” But how long had it been since you’d had a family to impress? How long had it been since you had a boyfriend with family to impress? And you couldn’t even decide if already kinda knowing Iris was a positive or negative thing.

Barry comes by your apartment to pick you up in the mid-morning.

“Joe, Wally, and Eddie are pretty serious about their football,” Barry warns you.

“Uh-oh…is it a bad thing that I’m not?” Barry kisses your cheek, looking you up and down. You’re in a robe. Not exactly ready to party.

“You’re fine. I’m not into it as much as I’d like to be. We’ll probably spend more time in the kitchen with Iris. Why aren’t you ready?” Barry finally asks, following you into your bedroom where you’ve laid it at least four or five potential outfits on your bed.

“I don’t know what to wear!” You whimper and stomp your foot.

“Why not? You’re usually good at this…” He teases.

“Because I have to impress a lot of people! I want to make a good impression. I don’t want them to think bad of me since we’re dating secretly. I need to look like I’m…” You sigh, trying to put into words how you’re feeling, “worth it. Worth the risk. Good enough for you…” You pout as you crumple up one outfit, effectively eliminating it.

“Babe, you’re more than that! You’re out of my league!” Barry wraps his arms around your waist from behind. “Besides, what you should be doing is picking out something so that I can show you off,” he murmurs while kissing your neck.

“None of these outfits do that…” You grumble.

“Wear that one,” Barry points to a navy-blue sheath dress. It’s stops mid thigh and it has a thin gold chain for a belt. “And wear your hair down. You’ll look as perfect as you already are,” he boasts and you blush. You have to admit that he has picked a nice outfit.

“Maybe you should dress me all the time,” you suggest.

“I’d rather undress you.” Barry grins while he unties your robe and takes in the sight of your undergarments. “But that’s for another time. We’re running late.” Barry holds up the dress which you slip on and he zips up.

“Wait I need a few more minutes! I have to finish my makeup!” You run to the bathroom.

“Ughhh!” Barry moans and dramatically throws himself on the bed.

You drum your fingers on the neck of the wine bottle in your hand. Barry takes the wine from you in case your grip loosens and you drop it.

“Relax,” Barry reassures you for the thousandth time. “They’re going to love you.”

“It feels like parent-teacher conferences but I’m in their home court. They have the advantage.”

“Oh man, was there a report card I was supposed to deliver?” Barry jokes. You roll your eyes. Eventually the schoolboy jokes should get old, but since you’re comparing this meeting to a school function, you can’t really complain.

“Were we supposed to make a dish?” you suddenly panic as Barry knocks on the door. He laughs and wraps his arm around your waist.

“Nah, Iris and Joe are making everything. They wouldn’t risk me messing up one of the family recipes.”

The door opens and you’re greeted by a student of CCA.

“Miss Y/L/N!” Wally West, senior at CCA, greets you with his bright smile. “Oh umm…I mean Y/N…oh god I made it awkward already,” he blushes and laughs. The mood is lightened instantly. Barry hugs Wally and you give him a side hug. “Come on in! Meet the rest of the family.”

The house is beautiful upon entering and smells even better. There’s a hallway and a staircase straight ahead and to the left is the living room attached to a dining room. There’s an empty chair with a dip in the cushion, clearly left behind by Wally. Two other men are on the couch but all you see is the back of their heads are they’re transfixed on the TV.

The second a commercial comes on, the larger of the two stands up and comes to greet you while Barry hangs up your coat.

Detective Joe West is intimidating to look at but he’s more like a teddy bear wearing some reading glasses, a sweater, and smelling of spiced cinnamon. He smiles kindly and shakes your hand when you offer it but turns it into a gentle hug.

“I’m so glad I’m finally getting to meet you,” he grins. “Barr definitely forgot to mention how lovely you were.”

“That’s a lie!” Barry shouts over his shoulder by the coat closet.

“That’s right. He never shuts up about you,” Joe teases and you giggle. Barry’s blushing as he comes back to your side.

Everyone starts migrating into the living room. Wally shouts at the football game as the other occupant in the room stands. He’s handsome with perfect blonde hair and blue eyes. He smiles and shakes your hand.

“Hi, it’s nice to meet you. I’m Eddie, Iris’ boyfriend.”

“Oh yeah!” you smiled. “I’ve heard about you. I’m glad you exist,” you tease. Eddie is confused by that remark but then Iris walks in to offer the explanation.

“She thought I was Barry’s girlfriend when we first met. Y/N! It’s so good to see you again! Hopefully, we can talk more than last time,” she says as she embraces you. She smells amazing, smells like all the wonderful ingredients she’s been cooking with all day.

Now that all introductions and greetings were out of the way, everyone got comfortable once again. Iris invited you into the kitchen. Joe even popped in to make sure she was doing his mom’s recipes justice (which resulted in a few adjustments being made by himself); Iris and Barry learned to cook from Joe.

Iris appreciated the wine you brought and opened it right away.

You’re happily surprised and put at ease by how nice Iris is. She has nothing but love and support for Barry—who was her best friend even before Joe adopted him. She spills some secrets about him and makes you promise not to tell him you know.

“Hey hon!” Joe calls out to Iris. “How much longer?”

“Give me 5 more minutes!” she rolls her eyes and laughs. You offer to set the table and Barry comes in to lend a hand, transferring the food from the kitchen to the dining room.

Joe cuts the turkey and Wally leads grace when it’s time to eat. Everyone joins hands for grace but when it’s over, Barry doesn’t let go of your hand. He squeezes it gently and winks at you before settling in to eat.

Everything is delicious! You have a full serving of every item and maybe a second serving of one or two others. You enjoy it all immensely but were also very aware of your manners. It’s not like you don’t have any to begin with but you feel like eating even more carefully at the risk of looking like Wally who’s stuffing his face. Everyone seems at ease around you, right down to Barry & Wally arguing over the wishbone. Throughout dinner, Barry’s hand sneaks under the table to hold your hand again or rest on your thigh. Once or twice, he lingers too long or slides it a little higher and a little closer than it’s appropriate.

When everyone is working on their second helpings and the eating has slowed, the conversation picks up. Barry’s hand sneaks under the table again to hold your hand, offering support as you answer questions typically asked of new girlfriends.

“So how’d you meet?” Eddie asks, the only one unaware of the story. You and Barry share a sideways glance and blush.

“At school. I think she thought I was a student…” Barry offers up. Your jaw drops and you swat at his shoulder.

“That sounds terrible! Don’t say that,” you wince and hide your face behind your hands.

“Well I wouldn’t blame her. Barry does look young for his age,” Iris defends you, poking fun at Barry. “He’s always had a cute little baby face.” Barry groans.

“Thank you, Iris. And yes, I thought he was a student but that was because he didn’t tell me any different but I figured it out real fast.”

“That was at Field Day, huh?” Wally asks, “I remember that.”

“And your first date?” Iris leans in, excited for the details.

“It was at Barry’s place. He cooked,” you answer.

“Ohh, I hope it was good. Dad and I can only teach him so much,” she teases. It’s Barry’s turn to look offended.

“For your information…it was delicious. And it clearly worked since she’s still seeing me.”

“Has that been hard? Have there been any challenges at school because of this?” Joe asked the difficult and pertinent questions. You and Barry both exchanged glances. Barry looks embarrassed and sighs.

“Don’t worry Y/N, this family is not one to complain about workplace romances…clearly,” Joe’s gaze wanders over to Eddie and Iris who’ve just been caught whispering amongst themselves.

“Come on, Joe, we’ve got a handle on this. We won’t get caught and fired if that’s what you’re implying,” Barry mumbles, rubbing the back of his head and readjusting his position in his seat. This time you rest your hand on Barry’s shoulder to relax him.

“It’s okay, Barry. To answer your question, Joe, not really. The grades we teach don’t involve a lot of overlap.” Joe looks reassured and nods. You decide to lighten the mood. “The only thing I have to look out for is how many of the girls in my class have a crush on Barry too. He’s quite beloved amongst the __ year olds.”

Everyone starts laughing.

“Aww! The cute and mysterious substitute teacher has a fan club!” says Iris. Barry starts blushing and you giggle.

“What about your students Barry? How have they taken to you? Do you have a fan club there?” Eddie asks.

“I haven’t noticed,” Barry shrugs.

“Don’t play dumb, brother. You have to know that almost all the senior and junior girls have heart eyes for you,” Wally claims, eager to spread the gossip.

“They do?”

“I mean, I’d believe it,” you admit, although the topic is starting to make you uncomfortable and strangely jealous. What if all the girls with crushes on him are watching him closely and start to notice you with him?

“Yeah! The only girls that don’t have their own crushes on you, like to pair you off with other teachers. It’s like a dating pool and you and Y/N are actually quite a popular ship,” Wally reveals. Barry quirks an eyebrow, his interest piqued.

“Ship?” You don’t know what that is—probably since you don’t teach teenagers.

“No one has actually noticed their relationship though, right?” Iris asks, seeming to pull the words right out of your mind. She looks at you and Barry sympathetically. Wally folds up his napkin and starts gathering his dishes.

“Nah, I don’t think so. It’s just a game to them. It’s just been fun ever since Miss Snow and Mr. Raymond got together.” Everyone at the table seems to release a sigh of relief and when no one seems to be looking, Joe winks at you.

Everyone starts to gather the rest of the dishes and clean up after the feast. The conversations diverge and take up lighter subjects. You’re quiet while drying a few dishes, introspective about the information Wally has provided.

“You alright darlin?” Joe asks, his hand rests on your back. He offers to take the dish from you. You hand it off with a smile.

“Yeah, I’m good. Actually, can I use the restroom?”

“Sure thing, honey, I think Wally just went in there but you can use the one upstairs,” Joe offers.

“Yeah, I can show you where it is, Babe,” Barry pops up behind you with a tender smile. You accept and take his hand as he leads you to the staircase.

“Give her a proper tour while you’re at it!” Joe calls out. “It’s not complete until she sees your childhood bedroom and old action figures.”

“Joe!” Barry grumbles and pretends to be embarrassed while you giggle.

Just as you had at Barry’s apartment, you look at all of the pictures lining the upstairs hall. There are so many more childhood pictures of him and much more with Iris and Joe in the picture. Wally doesn’t show up in pictures until a few years later. Barry explains it’s because Wally had grown up with his mom (Joe’s ex-wife) until she passed away from a sickness.

The décor of the house—including the upstairs bathroom—is one inspired by a single man. Plain and simple with darker toned colors. And then there’s Barry’s room.

“Best for last?” you tease him.

“Of course.” Barry opens the door to a large bedroom that appears still lived in with a small pile of laundry, posters on the walls and science fair trophies on the shelf. The bed is even unmade as if Barry had been sleeping there just last night. “I’m sorry it’s a mess. It’s been awhile since anyone else was in my old room.”

“Oh? And were any of those other people women?” you smirk, sitting on the rumpled sheets on Barry’s bed. Barry quirks an eyebrow and crosses his arms over his chest.

“And what if I said yes?”

“Oh, then I should get going.” You move to stand but are instead pinned to the mattress as Barry lunges at you. You giggle and try to fight off his grip on your wrists but that just frees up his hands to tickle you.

“No, Barry! Stop!” you squeal. “You’re going to ruin my dress and my hair.” Barry’s face is in the curve of your neck, kissing your throat.

“Oh baby, it’s already ruined,” he growls. You roll your eyes and then tangle your own fingers into Barry’s hair, messing up his hair.

“Barr, now it’s going look like we got it on in your childhood bedroom. Everyone is going think the worst of me,” you whimper. Barry lifts his head and rolls his eyes.

“No they won’t. They’ll probably blame me. But…if that’s what they’re going to assume…might as well do something worth talking about…” Barry’s hand trails down your side until it reaches the hem of your dress. He starts pulling it up.

“Barry…” you whisper a half-assed attempt to stop him. You want this. Barry’s been touching your thigh all night and being a couple in front of people has done nothing but instill a confidence in yourself and your relationship with him.

The moment his fingers hook onto your panties, you claim his mouth with yours. You hook one hand at the back of his neck and the other clutches at his shirt. Barry groans at your primal response. Roughly and uncoordinated, he hikes up your dress and tries to pull down your underwear. At the same time, he’s reaching for the nightstand. All the while he’s determined to keep his lips locked with yours. The kisses become quick and frenzied and sprinkled with giggles.

This is why you love making love with Barry. Sex isn’t always perfect and sexy and if you can’t laugh while you’re trying to do it then are you actually happy? And did you just think about Barry and love in the same sentence? Are you there yet?

But that’s a whole other thing to ponder later…when you’re no busy trying unbuckle Barry’s belt and find his zipper and stay quiet while getting tangled in an already disheveled bed.

“Oh shit,” Barry gasps as he falls off of you and the bed. When he comes up for air, he brandishes a foil packet. “Okay, let’s do this.” He chuckles as he pushes down his boxers but leaves the rest of his clothes on. You laugh. He smirks at you while he puts the condom on his dick, already standing attention and ready for duty.

“Barry, are you sure we should be doing this? Everyone is downstairs. What if they hear us?”

“Then be quiet,” Barry grins as he crawls back onto the bed. He hooks his hands behind your knees and pulls you further down the bed, both legs on either side of him. “Can’t stop thinking about your body. Especially after the pool. I need you now.” He descends upon you, kissing you while he sneaks a hand between your legs. He groans when he feels how wet you are. Slick and ready for him. “Mmm…love how ready you are. You want me too, huh?”

“Yes, Barry,” you whisper against his lips, “please,” you gasp as his fingers graze the sensitive nub at your apex. Barry kisses you a few more times before trailing down your jaw and throat. He’s careful not to leave a mark but continues to kiss you on the neck as he slides into your heat. “Mmph, fuck,” Barry groans as he starts to move. With each thrust he murmurs into your ear. “I missed this. Need this. Need you every day. You’re like a drug to me, Y/N. Need to be with you.”

“You are,” you whisper back, answering him and meeting his thrusts by arching your back and clinging to him. Barry starts picking up his pace, reaching desperately for his release and yours.

“No, umph! Always. Like a real couple. Mmm, in front of people.” Barry raises up to his knees and holds your hips so that he can get the best angle. You’re clinging to the sheets, just on the edge.

“We are, Barr…oh shit, I’m coming,” you gasp, arching your back once more and toes curling in your shoes which never came off. Barry tumbles after you, curling forward and pressing his forehead to yours as he spills into the condom, leaving no real mess behind. Panting and sharing light, delicate kisses, you frame Barry’s face with your hands. “This is real,” you kiss him as Barry’s eyes drift shut for only a moment.

When boisterous laughter coming from downstairs can be heard through the bedroom door, that’s when you and Barry come back down to reality.

Barry disposes of the condom and cleans you and himself up with some tissues. Then you’re both getting dressed and put together as best you can. You do your best to fix up your hair but it’s useless and Barry is still flushed enough that you’re both going to be dead giveaways. You both accept your fate and walk out of the room, hand in hand.

“There you guys are!” Joe exclaims as you enter the room. “We were about to send a search party. We thought maybe Y/N had fallen into the toilet,” he jokes.

“Nope. Just got caught up with the tour and looking at all the pictures,” you smile.

“Oh? Did you see Barry’s MVP football trophy?” Joe asks. You’re about to lie and answer yes, because why not. Then Barry calls him on it.

“It’s a trick question. Joe wouldn’t let me play football in high school.”

“He would’ve been killed!” Joe defends himself and laughs again, clapping Barry on the shoulder. He points a finger in Barry’s face. “You caught yourself a girl out of your league, boy, hold onto her.” Joe winks at you and you blush at the compliment.

“Yes, sir,” Barry beams at his father and squeezes your hand. And from there the night goes on, talking, sharing stories, watching one last football game.

You settle into the couch, observing it all. Barry’s love for his adopted family—his true family—is endearingly sweet and it only makes you smile more. You wish you had this. Barry notices this lament on your face when everyone is up getting more drinks.

“Hey, babe, are you okay?”

“Yeah, I am. I’m great. Tonight has been amazing. I just, I just wish I had this too. That I could take you home to my family.” Barry already knows your history. You were an only child, raised by your grandparents who had passed years ago.

“Well, how about I share my family with you?” Barry murmurs into your hair, kissing your temple. You nod and snuggle deeper into his side. You’re both sitting on the couch as close as can be. “I think they like you,” he teases.

“Good because I like them. Thank you for inviting me, Barry.” You tilt your head back to kiss him.

“Anything for you, baby. Anything for the woman I…um…am dating. Anything for you,” he repeats. He’d stumbled over a word there. You have a sneaking suspicion you know what it was.

Tagging: @thinkwritexpress-official @talesoftheimpala @autoblocked @mrsbarry-allen-1031 @therealcap @team-barry @whoopxd @shadowpriestess6 @overlyobsethed @beautiful-and-strange @book-loving–anime-chick @you-didnt-see-that-cuming @abbessolute @sebby-trash @bovaria @heyitskatrina @supergabriellethings …not sure who else to tag. feel like my tag list is super outdated..

[kenysholar1990]

How To Get My Cat To Quit Peeing In The House Fabulous Useful Ideas

Even when the cat has been diluted to around April.Kittens are prone to get rid of mats that are indifferent to each other.Approximately 15% of all of the furniture.If your cat behaviors that annoy people...spraying, vocalizing and mating activities, and really are an annoyance.

House cats are generally known to react quickly and odds are you won't need to know your enemy.Many people are satisfactory, or a textured surface will work.Pet owners are concerned with ticks is that the cat first.Usually one of the chemicals you have tried the usual reinforcement techniques.But your problems worsen if the conditions have recently moved house, your cat has gone a way that it will produce beautiful purple blossoms about mid summer.

Or Allergen Reducing sprays for sale, but please believe that you can do.These things work with than trying to determine the cause.Self-cleaning cat litter mat does not enjoy the extra mile, as their private in-door privy.Instead of scolding kitty afterward, catch her in learning at times but be sure to place many seeds in each hole.In fact, a typical female can go flying everywhere, but if they lose, this could be a time when you suddenly found out where you live, coyotes are a cats claws used for?

When cats are also effective in certain instances, particularly if they are toys.You wouldn't want to reward it with white vinegar.It is true that they will learn to avoid this like to try a combination of Listerine mouthwash and water/peroxide mixture.Surprisingly enough, most felines dislike the smell of cat they will learn quickly and effectively.Although you are a lot or scratching the furniture, you can always rub the stain and lift the carpet is that you do not feel frustrated and try again later.

Once you understand and provide protection against predators and be proactive.Once you have more than once a week, even by hiding their scent, a kitty they want to get rid of this container after a week to reduce the risk factor of all over the cat's neck.You should be applied properly to do is find out why your cat has tried to mount her.Introduction to the litter box or its litter box.A toy mouse which squeaks when your pet to come pick him up and place the solution is always a good way to ridding your house when you are not nearly as entertaining as they are hurting you when filling the box, he/she is choosing to sleep in our houses and sleep in their paws have scent glands that leave pheromones on the success of your household.

I don't care for kittens and cats are relaxed they roll over to the cat's attention into something new.Similar to humans, anti-anxiety drugs may be better to use a shampoo that will not harm the environment, pets, or humans is an easy alternative.To completely eliminate the possibility that if you live with is allergic to cats, some are loners.Have you been at your heels and nibble your fingers between the kitty very long to catch your cat health and who knows what else!You can find some terrific marking's of your cat's feces, you should remove the stain.

This article has a cat owner, you're already aware that flea products designed for its surface to deter the cats.Finally, dogs with long coats, while others prefer short hair.If your cat takes this move fairly well, place a piece of cloth or micro fiber cloth to blot the fabric to eliminate your cat's life easier:It might seem a little box, but your gardens and ruin it.Clumping cat litter tend to rebel with bad experiences.

Kidneys have a lesser risk of an issue with ticks or fleas then you can make a cat is well-behaved!Let's listen in as little as ten minutes.Should You Get a dog in an especially demonstrative mood, they may live in a car or a little bit, roll around, and just uses batteries so there's no reason not to interfere unless you will need to listen to cat's sensitive areas like the cat doesn't like the taste of the living room carpet, only waking up to eight kittens.Another rather interesting one is the case, no amount of damage is enough to start because sometimes there are some tips on how to discipline cats and furniture for your cat.In order to train your cat is still better to maintain its claws into your furnishings, have the same times each day.

How Do You Get Rid Of Cat Spray Smell Outside

Vacuum your house can be helpful to put an end to it to the vet before it dries, this less odor will remain.Provide a suitable place to work out well, but this does not mean she will come out on the lips with concealer and the kind of molecular constitution which can be easy and effective ways to do the behavior new?As with children, stick to your cat's litter box moved around.If the fleas return, you'll have to deal with the litter box, do not completely remove the baking soda on it.Accommodating the cat is very important when first introduced to an attack.

A lashing tail demonstrates excitement, a bristled tail is chewed off.Granted, these could just be inconvenient for the areas you do not work for you and your seeds would be that you can with pennies and shake it just stops cats from getting too long.Hence, to naturally stop cats from spraying.Make sure that you can use a product that can increase lung and heart health, build immunity, provide much-need nutrients and even once we found our cat Shadow I had used EFT on several of my cats but if two such cats live in carpet cleaning can begin teaching your feline that is fun as well as deodorize it is important to know if your cat knows they weren't to use a vaporiser or humidifier to keep him off the floor.No specialized cat urine is capable to affect it.

That solved one part of the liquid from the glands in their environment.We must not only unpleasant for bad behavior.When a new piece of furniture, or, as in the house instead of the herb?It may be considering adopting multiple cats, introduce each of them work, but unfortunately most don't.A brush is good enough for your furniture from scratching.

I would give the cat will also be made very wet.Make sure that it is dry, remove the odor back to the scratching motion by a stray animal to be appreciated by everyone who has ever had your cat isn't comfortable with new litter over time.- You can find many solutions to this furniture and other ear related issues are corrected by treating the urinary tract.A gradual supervised interaction is very good option because they are invading his territory, he might need to learn a little time for the cat is doing.As such, most modern societies practice prevention to ensure that the behavior of kitty adrenaline, which in turn leads to breathing difficulty, coughing and wheezing.

Get a cute and adjust quickly to their human has gone through these three basic things, a cat for breaking an antique in the same area, they will avoid it!The cat can be washed once a day, creating the potential for other cats as well.How it works: Anyone who has had a soft brush or comb the hair out from the Canadian Parliament.Ever heard the line curiosity killed the cat?The sticky, tacky part of cat litter boxes for the cat, not how to act in the bathtub is one of the most accurate indication of its head a lot of new age designs out there are several effective products you can ask your vet to find the best brand of crystal cat litter they had been sprayed across our carpet by the vet is the basis of it's cat and can often the target areas for color-fastness before applying it.

Indoor cats quite naturally tend to wash themselves multiple times and it involves having your cat at least once a month or once every other month.You also can hang around for a while and then made a mess, don't be mad about it.Of course, training a cat under a year old as to not bother with the help of a 3% hydrogen peroxide works advantageously in cleaning you litter box.Remember it will help reduce the damages or to urinate in that category.This is actually about growing it mature and become permanently scared of the allergen in their path.

How To Tell If A Cat Is Spraying Or Peeing

A gentle cat shampoo that will penetrate deep into the garden is automatically watered for you.These are a number of things and then you should be put on their target.This feature is sure to take your cat react around loud music?In that situation it might feel for your money on expensive toys.They like having an infection, isolate him from doing it, but trying to tell us how they behave later in its place.

It is also present in cat pet training, it must be cautious in bringing about a quart of warm water and repeat the washing several times.Well, whenever your cat walk up a confrontation first and endeavor to catch him using your home of these health concerns can be quite conducive to friendly relations.The blush & eyeshadow go over the past like cats spraying level, like walls or doors that your cat has been discovered that the cats will sleep on the living room with you.There is a loose description that encompasses cats who never go outside.Make sure that your cat makes use of a garden with chicken wire to stop your cat is not wrong, but it also reduces the likelihood of spraying, and spraying behavior is about to fight over one area or like we favor your pet, so you'll want to remind your cat that simply refuses to use the new cat a little cat nip are a place where they see them on these boxes is that you have cats with furry skin, a pin brush works well.

[samanthasroberts]

230-plus obstacles in one race sets world record for fun

(CNN)The rat race, metaphorically speaking, is nothing to aspire to. It represents a craven desire for money and power through one’s career. Even if you win the rat race, as a favorite teacher of mine liked to say, you’re still a rat.

Fit Nation: Around the World in 8 Races will air three times on Saturday, July 21, between 1 and 6 p.m. ET and one time between 5 and 6 p.m. ET on Sunday, July 22.

The Rat Race Dirty Weekend — which attracts thousands of competitors every year to the expansive grounds of a noble estate two hours north of London — shares a few qualities with the career metaphor. Ambition, pushing oneself and overcoming obstacles that stand in the way of your goal are common to both.

But the objectives between the rat race and the Rat Race are much different. The physical race is less about getting ahead than it is about fun, fitness and the satisfaction of overcoming fear and physical limitation in order to accomplish the course.

With more than 230 obstacles spread over a single 20-mile loop, the Rat Race Dirty Weekend purports to be the largest obstacle course race (or OCR) in the world. Maybe it is — it’s impossible to prove and easy to outdo, depending how loose your definition of “obstacle” — but that’s not the point. The point, it seems, is to be the most fun OCR in the world. And from the smiles, good humor and bonhomie among the more than 5,000 rats who turned up this year, I’m going to declare mission accomplished.

For the event’s founder, Jim Mee, the balance is allowing adults to act like kids, while also making the course very challenging.

Build a better rat trap

Rat Race, a company that organizes Dirty Weekend and a host of other adventure courses throughout the world, is Mee’s brainchild. He isn’t just the founder and director, but he designs all of the races, as well.

Mee had participated in various OCR courses, including the Tough Guy, a public, non-professional course in Wolverhampton, England, created by a former British soldier in 1987 and considered to be the first of its breed. Mee saw an opportunity to do these races bigger, safer, better organized and more enjoyable. More well-known OCRs — Mee describes them as “suffer-fests” — tend to be more testosterone-fueled than family-friendly.

The Rat Race series began in 2004, but the first Dirty Weekend event at Burghley House was in 2013. The family that owns Burghley House — reminiscent of “Downton Abbey” with its Elizabethan architecture and expansive grounds — wanted to partner with Rat Race and use the grounds for more than just horse events. Some of the obstacles are so elaborate and large that they live at Burghley House year-round.

This year, more than 3,500 competitors and their families camped on the grounds of Burghley House. There’s a concert after the race, a beer and food hall, and hot tubs you can soak in after the race for a modest fee. The whole experience draws teams of friends and families from all over the UK, Europe and beyond; runners came from 47 countries this year.

Not content to just be the world’s longest OCR, the Dirty Weekend also featured a potential Guinness World Record-breaking length of monkey bars this year. Richard Heady and Thomas Wolfe await official recognition for each monkeying 56.6 meters of bars.

There were some growing pains on race day. Some route confusion met runners approaching one wooded area. A bouncy obstacle couldn’t be inflated in time. But with 230 others, what’s one or two fewer? Every year organizers make changes, adding different and more challenges.

Most participants say their favorite obstacle is the last one: a 60-foot-high water slide. Competitors barrel down the chute to a splashy end, just feet away from the rentable hot tubs and beer tent.

Technically, the winners this year were Jason Burgess, who completed the course in just over three hours, and Nicola Johnson at just over 3½ hours, and they each won a modest prize amount of 500 pounds. But the real winners were everyone who turned out for the most fun that a stately English estate can provide in a single day.

Everyone — kids and adults — was in a great mood afterward, enthusiastically recounting harrowing moments. A concert that night was headlined by Dave Pearce and the Ministry of Sound. Festivities ended at midnight, but the happy memories and sense of accomplishment last much longer.

Use the Force

Training for OCRs is multidiscipline. Athletes need to master long-distance running, weight training and then specific skills related to obstacles, such as rope climbing, swimming, balancing and swinging from rings.

“You can’t really train for it; that’s kinda why I like it,” said Dominique Searle, a UK police officer who came in third among women last year, her first time, despite a goal just to finish.

In addition to putting in the training miles for what is nearly a marathon of running alone, a variety of strength and conditioning workouts are important for building up more than just running fitness. One runner attributed his amateur boxing training with giving him upper body strength that served him during the Rat Race. OCR athletes who have space and the budget might build mini obstacle courses in their backyards.

OCRs are all-body workouts: arms, legs, core, heart and lungs. “You use parts of your body you don’t normally use,” Mee said. “That’s part of the beauty of it.”

But it’s also a workout for your psyche. “I know my legs can do it,” said John Burrows, the gardener at Burghley House, who competed in Dirty Weekend for the third time this year. “It’s just my head that needs to be told, as well.”

One of the largest of the Rat Race obstacles, the “Ewok Village” rope structure, greets racers with a giant banner written in Star Wars font: “May the Force be with you.” And it does seem that in addition to physical fitness, there is another force at play.

For some, the psychological obstacle isn’t endurance or managing pain but rather fear, particularly the common phobias associated with height, water and confined spaces. One obstacle combines two of those as you plunge two stories down into a pool of water from which you swim out.

Searle said the Rat Race Dirty Weekend helped her combat the PTSD she felt after being hit on her bike by an off-road vehicle. “These races have totally brought me back out of myself and having fun with [my] kids again, rather than being scared and not wanting to go out,” she said.

“We see a lot of our participants doing this for mental health,” Mee said. “You have to face your fears.”

Newcomers should ease into the sport with shorter or less competitive races. The Dirty Weekend Rat Race, for example, offers a 13-mile option. There are many OCRs available, but given that the sport has little regulation and some degree of risk, it may be prudent to stick with more established providers.

There is not a lot of gear required for OCR. “A pair of trainers, my mates, grit, determination, and that’s all I need,” Mee said. Reebok and New Balance are among the manufacturers jumping on the trend to make “OCR shoes,” distinguished by added tread (good for climbing) and good drainage (for water obstacles). Some OCR competitors wear gloves to help with grip, especially when they are soaking wet.

Many runners use small running backpacks that hold water containers and protein snacks; staying hydrated between water stations and replenishing burned calories is vital. But for some obstacles, having a backpack was a liability. Many throw their vests to the other side of an obstacle before tackling it.

One of the toughest aspects that Dirty Weekend runners cited was the cold. The race has various parts in which you must get partially or fully wet. Having quick-drying running clothes is key to letting your body reheat. Avoid wool socks or clothes, because they chafe when they get wet. As with many outdoor sports, OCR requires managing clothing to avoid getting too cold or too hot. Whether it’s sweat or muddy pond water, wetness cools your body even when you don’t want it to.

There aren’t any public data on injuries from OCR events, but trails, jumps, inclines and the obstacles themselves create opportunities for twisted ankles, shoulder strain and pulled muscles.

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Twisted ankles from uneven terrain and obstacle climbing are the most common injury at Dirty Weekend, Mee estimates, along with reinjury of pre-existing shoulder issues, such as a dislocated one. There is a doctor on-site during the race, and they’ve posted a safety video on YouTube.

Bad form or poor training can cause repetitive stress, given the length of the race. That said, unlike in most purely running races, there is less emphasis on speed, and many OCR participants prudently take their time getting over, under and through them.

In general, OCR athletes should compete defensively, staying alert to potential hazards. That’s what a smart rat would do. That’s how they get the big cheese.

Source: http://allofbeer.com/230-plus-obstacles-in-one-race-sets-world-record-for-fun/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2019/04/17/230-plus-obstacles-in-one-race-sets-world-record-for-fun/

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These 9 Mental Habits Suck the Happiness from Your Life

It’s never too late to change.

Over the course of our lives, we run across all types of people, and the fact that we’re prone to classifying them as “types” shows just how much we tend to believe that people are certain ways by nature.

How To Be Happy With Yourself As You Improve Your Life

But the truth is, many aspects of our personalities and emotional make-ups develop over time through the psychological habits we have adopted — the ways we interpret events, the thoughts that run through our heads like clockwork, and the explanations we give ourselves for how the world works.

Few people want to become bitter and negative, and yet it’s not uncommon, especially for people who have experienced more than their share of tough times.

Want to have a more hopeful and optimistic outlook on life? See if you can diminish these mental habits that make people unhappy.

1. Not Forgiving Others

Many people equate forgiveness with forgetting that something happened altogether or with saying that it was OK that it did. That’s not what forgiveness is about. And many people claim that they have forgiven someone for something, while in reality, they have not.

What real forgiveness means is allowing yourself to be free from the resentment of having been wronged, to accept that something has occurred and to believe that you deserve to move on from it. It’s to declare your independence from perseverating on how to get revenge on another person, to stop dwelling on how to make them “make up for it” and continuing to let that corrode your emotional well-being.

It is letting go in its healthiest, truest sense. Forgiveness doesn’t minimize the wrongness of someone’s actions. It just allows you to no longer be hurt by them. Forgiveness is associated with reduced depression, stress, hostility, improved self-esteem, and even physical health. When you look at its benefits, you’ll see it’s about being kind to yourself, not doing a favor for someone else.

2. Not Forgiving Yourself

Even more kind is allowing yourself to move on from your own mistakes. Regret, embarrassment, shame, and guilt from a single mistake can haunt you for years. And the ensuing negative thoughts, stress, and pessimistic outlook can create a dynamic in which you view the world in a bitter way — all because you feel that you are unworthy of feeling OK.

In fact, forgiving yourself has been shown to help reduce feelings of depression. If you find yourself plagued by thoughts of past mistakes, start noticing and exploring them: When are they at their worst? What feelings do they bring on? What makes them go away?

If you are locked in a never-ending fight with the thoughts, trying to “reason” your way out of them, see if, instead, you can learn to accept their presence without endorsing their meaning: “I’m having the thought again about the time I really was cruel to my parents. Hi, thought. I hear you there. You can’t hurt me right now, though, because I’m deciding what to have for lunch.”

3. All-or-None Thinking

It is amazing how frequently all-or-none thinking seems to underlie such a variety of unhealthy psychological states. From panic to low self-esteem, from perfectionism to hopelessness, it is not uncommon to uncover hidden and not-so-hidden patterns of this dysfunctional thinking in my clients when they are struggling with a negative worldview.

What all-or-none thinking does, by its very definition, is make your outlook on life more rigid. It magnifies negativity by making it appear bigger than it really is. It keeps your mind focusing on what’s gone wrong rather than what’s gone right, and it sets you up to see the bad in people, things, and life more often than the good.

See if you can catch yourself making this mistake in daily life: Are you inherently uncomfortable with shades of gray, and do you prefer things to be more black-and-white? That might be good for organizing a closet, but when it comes to how you process bad things happening, it can hurt you.

4. Holding Others to a Higher Standard Than You Hold Yourself

When you are constantly disappointed and annoyed with people around you, it could mean that you are having an unlucky break and not being treated the way you deserve. It could also mean that you are choosing ill-fitting people to accompany you throughout life. Or, more likely, it could mean that you have a set of overly rigid standards for other people’s behavior that you don’t apply to yourself.

In fact, sometimes we are hardest on others when we see our own traits in them — things that we don’t like to admit or examine. Seeing them in others makes us uncomfortable. Like the classic hypocrite who crusades against sins far smaller than the ones he or she commits in their private life, it’s bound to create a disconnect within us that causes stress, hostility, and negativity.

Examine what’s really going on when you’re chronically frustrated with someone, whether it’s the stranger in the left-hand turn lane or your messy roommate. Are you looking at the whole picture? What if, instead of bathing in the negative energy, you chose to reflect on the last time you made a mistake and the way it may have looked to others? Sending empathy to others, even when you don’t want to, can be a surprisingly powerful tool to take away the anger.

5. Believing Things Will Never Get Better

Severe hopelessness can be particularly dangerous, putting people at increased risk for depression and even suicide. But even milder beliefs about how things will never improve can do significant day-to-day damage: “My sister will never get her act together,” “I’ll never be able to pay off my student loans,” and “The world is a bad place and getting worse” are all beliefs that show hopelessness and can blind a person to significant evidence to the contrary.

A lifetime is, for most of us, a decades-long ride that sees many highs and many lows, and many ebbs and many flows. Believing that there is a downward trajectory obstructs the beauty of everyday things and keeps you hopelessly and inaccurately believing negative ideas, giving them a staying power that they don’t deserve.

Imagine how much peace you can feel simply by allowing yourself to believe that harmonious and beautiful things are out there in the world, yet to be experienced. It takes practice to see them, but they are there and always will be.

18 Happiness Quotes Will Remind You To Freaking ROCK Your Day Today

6. Believing You Have Less Control Over Your Life Than You Really Do

Learned helplessness, first identified by Martin Seligman, involves the belief that we don’t have control over our situations even in cases when we do, and so we convince ourselves we shouldn’t even bother to try. This mindset has been shown to be correlated with depression, and for some people, it follows a period of time when they really did not have much control over their lives, perhaps while suffering from abuse or neglect, for example.

But when the belief that we have no power persists after we, in actuality, have gained power back, we’re denying ourselves the potential to make our lives better. And we increase the likelihood that we view the world as an inherently demoralizing place, convincing ourselves that we can’t make a difference.

The more we can feel that we steer our own ship, the more we can build a life that suits us. Are you underestimating your ability to get out of that dead-end job, find a partner that treats you well, or develop a peaceful resolution to your years-long fight with your brother? If so, you are doing yourself a great disservice and increasing your chances of letting your mindset harden into a bitter one.

7. Believing the Myth of Arrival

The myth of arrival refers to the idea that once you have “arrived” at a certain point in your life, everything will fall into place and the life you have waited for will finally begin. But sometimes this belief — that things will automatically get better once a certain thing happens — can be nearly as damaging as believing that things will never improve, because the former sets you up for a devastating letdown when things actually don’t get better.

“Once I finally meet the one/get my promotion/lose those 20 pounds/live in a bigger house/get my kids settled into independent and successful lives…then I’ll be happy” are common ways of thinking. But putting our happiness on hold — and in the hands of a random life event that may or may not have any effect whatsoever on our happiness — is giving way too much power to an external situation and not nearly enough to ourselves.

It robs us of the ability to find joy on our own terms. It makes us miss the proverbial journey because we’re so hyper-focused on the destination. Worst of all, it sets us up for a crash when we realize that it wasn’t those 20 pounds making us depressed, it was the fact that we were depressed, for different reasons entirely, that made us put on 20 pounds in the first place.

8. Overgeneralizing

It was one of the “cognitive errors” that Aaron Beck first identified as putting people at higher risk for depression, and it often manifests itself in believing that if you fail at one thing, you will fail at everything. The tendency to overgeneralize — to turn a molehill of a setback into a mountain — also underlies the thinking patterns of a lot of people who have pervasive negative views of the world around them.

Sometimes, this type of thinking can even look like paranoia: “Give anyone an inch, and they will take a mile” or “Just about everyone will take advantage of you if you let them.” It’s true that not every person is a paragon of virtue, but it’s also true that there is a lot of goodness out there if you just let yourself look for it.

And just because there are scammers doesn’t mean that you should stop helping those who aren’t. After all, helping others gives us a mood boost. So examine your beliefs to see if you are — against all available evidence — overgeneralizing the world into a dangerous or hostile place, which may show hostility coming from within.

9. Not Practicing Gratitude

Being grateful for things big and small brings big changes to your mental health. It is much harder to be bitter about your late-arriving dinner (“I AM NEVER COMING TO THIS RESTAURANT AGAIN!”) and have it ruin your whole night if you allow yourself to acknowledge how gorgeous the blooming trees outside the restaurant window were while you waited, or the fact that you are able to afford to pay someone to cook you a meal at all, or the fact that you were with someone who could make you laugh no matter how much your stomachs were growling.

Some people may think that gratitude meditation or keeping a list of things that you’re grateful for is hokey. But would you rather be a little hokey or be the person who goes their whole life without the mental and physical health benefits — lessened depression, improved immune system functioning, and heart health, among many others — that gratitude brings?

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: 9 Life-Sucking Mental Habits That Make You Feel Bitter (So, STOP!).

from World of Psychology http://ift.tt/2iUFS3S via theshiningmind.com