#can you tell i’ve never done a analysis post before

[slotumn]

Some notes on how I personally like to write the lords + Rhea+ Shezleth wrt sacrifices and deaths and moral dilemmas they face when they make decisions

Basically,

Edelgard: People will die because of my decisions, but it must be done in order to bring change and ensure more don’t die in the future under an unjust system

Rhea: People will die because of my decisions, but it must be done in order to maintain stability and ensure more don’t die in the future under chaos and turmoil

Dimitri: People have died because of me and my decisions, I know it’s unforgivable no matter what and I will atone for it by avenging them (feral mode)/saving as much as or more than I have killed (post-feral clarity)

Claude: People have died because of me and my decisions, but that was the best I could do in my situation, and as long as I/we stay alive thanks to that I/we still have a chance to turn things around for the better

Byleth: People dying is people dying and nobody knows if any of your decisions will be “justified” until it plays out. I’ll help you get the results that will hopefully “justify” your decisions because I love and support you, but honestly, all that shit you're saying is just cope

Shez: Cool cool, where’s my fucking money

As you can tell the main foils/contrasts I like are Rhea <–> Edelgard, Dimitri <–> Claude, and Shez+Byleth. More rambling about it under the cut

For Rhea and Edelgard, I like to focus on them being similar people at different points of life/the project they’ve dedicated their lives to. I’m sure people have already made the analysis about parallels between them, from losing their families/conquering the continent/etc etc but basically, they have very similar philosophies/attitudes/outlooks, and the difference is whether the current system and dominant ideology is what they like or not.

I think that a young Seiros, fleeing a genocide and recruiting allies in the south, would have had faced similar objections Edelgard did; Nemesis may not be the most benevolent ruler, yes, and we don’t literally believe everything his regime preaches, but at least things are manageable and stable if we play along, especially down here in the south. Do we really need to risk everything we have to go up and fight him? Your ideas hold appeal, but some of us don’t find it appealing enough to die for it.

And similarly, I think Edelgard, if she grew old enough to see her system really take root in society, would say a lot of the same things that Rhea would've liked to say, when younger generations complain; look, what we have isn’t perfect, but you really don’t want to see what it was like before, and the fact you can have these complaints at all are a testament to the system I’ve made working. And if you try to burn all this down out of youthful passion, it’s more likely that we will regress instead of progress.

For Dimitri and Claude, it’s about how they deal with guilt; on a personal level, specifically. Politically I think they’d take or dodge responsibility as is necessary lol

Dimitri is straightforward, almost too straightforward. Not great at coming up with excuses, or rather, excusing himself. His way of facing the guilt is very one on one; taking blood for blood, while he's feral. Saving life for life taken, post-feral clarity. And even then, deep down he feels like ("knows") it's will never be enough. And he takes on all that guilt head on even in places where it's not his fault, a.k.a. survivor's guilt.

Claude, meanwhile, dude is a mental gymnastic gold medalist (affectionate). It's not that he doesn't feel guilt, but I think he's very good at seemingly minimizing it, excusing it, and convincing himself that he's better off focusing on other things. As for survivor's guilt, I'm not saying Claude wouldn't ever feel it, but he'd focus on the fact he survived, rather than the guilt.

Finally, Byleth and Shez. Honestly I think they have pretty similar outlooks, it's just a matter of how they explain it lol. The role I like to give these two is reality checkers; because the lords and Rhea can have their debates about Ideology™ and The System™ and Morality™ and Responsibility™ of it all they'd like, but in the end, it's people like Shez and Byleth doing the dirty work and dying on the field for the decisions.

And when people die, the physical, material reality is that they're fucking dead. Attach causes and justifications and obligations and excuses to their corpses as you want, but at the end of the day, it is a corpse and the person is dead. That's the reality they've always lived in, and not just as a one-off incident, either; the thing they do for survival is fighting and killing. They have a "It Is What It Is" type of attitude as a baseline, because, well... it is. Doesn't mean they don't feel things about it. Doesn't mean they don't want to save people where they can. Nonetheless— they know all too well that what happens is what happens.

For this reason, I like to think that grand moralistic judgements are not their thing, no matter the route; they don't even think the lord they sided with is fundamentally more correct/better. Like, come on, when they were asked to choose a house upon arriving at Garreg Mach, they probably weren't weighing their options based on who'd be the most "objectively" "morally" correct if a war broke out between the three (+the Church).

That being said, I think they definitely have a sense of what's good. But it's not the philosophical/abstract type of good you might hear the other four get into debates about. Shez and Byleth's idea of good is, in many ways, very small and inconsequential— but grander concepts of morality can't exist without it. And I like to think that the reason why Shez and Byleth become so important to the side they picked isn't just because of their powers, but also because the constantly they remind others of those small good things.

"Good" to Shez and Byleth is having enough to eat; having warm clothes and bed to sleep in and a roof over their heads; spending time with the people they care about and seeing them safe. It's quite animalistic, in a way; interesting, considering that Agarthans belittle their enemies by calling them beasts.

But I don't think those two would be particularly affected by being called animals for that reason. "These beasts are happy— what about you?"

[stromuprisahat]

The fact that Malyen felt ashamed of the feelings he had for Alina already tells us a lot about these supposed feelings.

In reality, who would want to fall in love and date a stick...

Hey nonny, next time add a quote or at least a chapter please, because I'm not sure which of his star moments you're referring to. I don't think he ever speaks about shame- that's Alina's domain.

What I DO remember is his surprise he misses his "oldest friend", which like... okay, who wouldn't be shocked to care about losing something they took for granted?

Forgive the sarcasm, but I'll never cease to be baffled this is supposed to be peak romance. I miss my own bed, when away from home. You're telling me he didn't thought he might feel the same about a PERSON he spend most of his life with? One he ALLEGEDLY ~cares~ about?!

That whole scene leading to his great declaration lies somewhere between laughable, pathetic and repugnant. I've already done its analysis, but let's try again:

“Did you miss me, Alina? Did you miss me when you were gone?” “Every day,” I said honestly. “I missed you every hour. And you know what the worst part was? It caught me completely by surprise. I’d catch myself walking around to find you, not for any reason, just out of habit, because I’d seen something that I wanted to tell you about or because I wanted to hear your voice. And then I’d realize that you weren’t there anymore, and every time, every single time, it was like having the wind knocked out of me. I’ve risked my life for you. I’ve walked half the length of Ravka for you, and I’d do it again and again and again just to be with you, just to starve with you and freeze with you and hear you complain about hard cheese every day. So don’t tell me we don’t belong together,” he said fiercely. He was very close now, and my heart was suddenly hammering in my chest. “I’m sorry it took me so long to see you, Alina. But I see you now.”

Shadow and Bone- Chapter 19

“Did you miss me, Alina? Did you miss me when you were gone?” Looking for assurance Alina DID miss him. Which could be innocent, except his next sentence makes it sound as if she chose to leave of her own free will. To abandon HIM.

“Every day,” I said honestly. “I missed you every hour. Trying to outdo Alina in how much. It's pretty childish- Malyen is no poet going for hyperbole, even unintentional, it's as if Alina's feelings weren't enough. HE's the one giving more (and deserving greater appreciation).

And you know what the worst part was? It caught me completely by surprise. Yup! Here's the one on how much did he value her company before she became important to others...

I’d catch myself walking around to find you, not for any reason, just out of habit, because I’d seen something that I wanted to tell you about or because I wanted to hear your voice. Again, another half-innocent sentence, that grows much more negative in context of his previous and following (S&S!!!) behaviour towards Alina. He doesn't seek her out because he enjoys her company, but because he's used to her unwavering presence. It's about what she can do for him.

And then I’d realize that you weren’t there anymore, and every time, every single time, it was like having the wind knocked out of me. Yes, that happens, when you lose a constant in your life, but that doesn't mean you love or care about it. It might be about a comfort of routine.

I’ve risked my life for you. I’ve walked half the length of Ravka for you ... now he's listing what she should be grateful for as if she asked for any of it. Knowing Alina at this point, steady glance in her direction would be enough, but that's no grand gesture, is it?! This makes me think how often Alina has to listen to the list of what he gave up for her post-R&R. How often he seeks loud appreciation of his "sacrifices". Happy home indeed.

... I’d do it again and again and again just to be with you, just to starve with you and freeze with you and hear you complain about hard cheese every day. So don’t tell me we don’t belong together, Again, this one started nice... for Malyen to fuck it up with the last sentence. That one isn't reassurance. That's an order. What if Alina only wanted to be friends? The excerpt above follows Malyen's anger over Alina's performance at Winter Fete: That night at the palace when I saw you on that stage with him, you looked so happy. Like you belonged with him. I can’t get that picture out of my head. What if Alina realized Baghra was lying and wanted to regain Aleksander's trust? What if she found someone else? What if she decided she has plenty on her plate as it stands, so she won't start a romantic relationship with anyone? The next book will show us neither of those options are an option, when Malyen's concerned. He'll guilt-trip her into being with him want it or not.

And here comes the cherry on the top- I’m sorry it took me so long to see you, Alina. But I see you now. I don't need to be mean to say too little- too late. Hell, Alina could (should) have! This sounds like he's expecting a pat on his head and a badge of honour for his accomplishments. Admitting he wronged her in the past shouldn't earn him a clean slate, he should first change his ways. Not to mention he'll soon prove "see" and "accept" are a whole different beasts.

Geez, it gets worse with every re-read!

[shimmeringweeds]

EDIT: this is a outdated mid S2 analysis. It’s not a terrible read but - my thoughts are always evolving with new info and greater understanding. So if you’ve finished S2, I’ve got a better take :)

Cheng Xiaoshi always dives blind.

He knows his instructions: deliver the message, find the secret, change nothing. He may even have a rough time frame for when the information can be found. Still, Cheng Xiaoshi never knows what's coming.

But Lu Guang knows. (Spoilers through s2 ep 9 + ep 10 preview)

Buckle up. Long post. This knowledge has pestered me for two years. Since Emma. I've found ways to chalk it up. Lu Guang just scans the photos, and doesn't see details until they happen; or Lu Guang thinks this will ensure past remains untouched; or Lu Guang is doing this to protect Cheng Xiaoshi.

I've also chalked it up, predominately, to story telling. What fun would there be if Cheng Xiaoshi knew what was going to happen? There would be no surprises! Boooooriiiiiing.

I'm not satisfied with that.

You know, each time Lu Guang withholds information, I find a way to forgive him. That is to say, I feel distrust; a need to forgive him that Cheng Xiaoshi never seems to let linger because of his unyielding faith in Lu Guang.

There are many moments where, if Lu Guang had just told Cheng Xiaoshi what was coming, he could have prevented discomfort and pain.

Exhibit A: Emma.

Instead of telling Cheng Xiaoshi that the situation is going to be okay, that nothing will happen, that her mom is going to call and interrupt. Lu Guang tells him to basically get on with it and then proceeds to lecture him in typical fashion.

"What a great personality," we think sarcastically, having known him for all of 5 minutes.

The scene is played off comically, because what else can Cheng Xiaoshi do? But he's visibly flustered on rescue, and I don't think that has to do with feeling Emma's emotions.

Okay, you say that this is how the writers are narrating the rules. Driving into our heads that the past cannot be changed. Yeah. You're right. How convenient for the writers.

That is not the only moment in this episode where Lu Guang essentially just tells Cheng Xiaoshi to be patient or ignore it instead of giving him the information he needs, but this post will be long enough. And again, we can chalk all those moments up to Lu Guang thinking he knows best (and being wrong).

Episodes 2 and 3 are tame. There are no surprises in the narrative except Cheng Xiaoshi's own mistakes, which cause Lu Guang to be sightless. Nothing to hide until episode 4.

The Earthquake:

Lu Guang makes the call to not tell Cheng Xiaoshi about the earthquake. Gods, I wouldn't either, spare him that pain. But that kindness backfires spectacularly, and the pain dealt is greater than the pain spared.

Does Lu Guang learn a lesson here? He's so careful with Xiaoshi, keeping his distance and not pushing him to do anything he doesn't want.

The next photograph is for DouDou. It's a surveillance footage and Lu Guang's knowledge is limited. Nothing can be done about the mess up. But the next dive is into Doudou. Cheng Xiaoshi smells the ball and looses consciousness. At the start of the photograph, Lu Guang says. "But the whole time, I was unable to get a good look at the human trafficker's face, as well as how she took DouDou away." He warns Cheng Xiaoshi to be careful, and when the ball rolls he declares, "It's here!" before falling silent. He doesn't warn Cheng Xiaoshi about the ball until it's already too late.

Chalk it up. After all we don't know what exactly it is Lu Guang can see in the photograph. Just that he can see 12 hours into it. Maybe he couldn't deduce sniffing the ball would lead to DouDou's abduction? That's reasonable. But how could he miss the ball entirely? Why not warn Cheng Xiaoshi in more detail? Even if Doudou needs to be taken, doesn't Lu Guang trust Cheng Xiaoshi to act? I'm left scratching my head.

For the rest of the season, the lead is predominately taken by Cheng Xiaoshi. Lu Guang is there, but he lets Cheng Xiaoshi have this. He trusts. And for the first time before diving, he warns. Before diving, he warns that Xu Shanshan may not be alive. But he doesn't know the future. And the decision to dive is Cheng Xiaoshi's to make.

Li Tianxi's photo.

Lu Guang hides the photo. He say's he can't see all the details due to his condition. I'll believe that. Flash back to Lu Guang looking at his phone, like he's trying his power on other, familiar, photographs (before deleting them, I guess, but.....didn't they already do that? Is he trying photos of the present?)

Of course he doesn't tell anyone about the photo. He wants to protect Cheng Xiaoshi. He can't see what it is they'd be diving into.

Of course this is no big deal to Cheng Xiaoshi, because Lu Guang himself has ensured that Cheng Xiaoshi will be a pro at diving blind.

Cheng Xiaoshi makes the call and, by god, if Lu Guang doesn't look exhausted when he agrees.

Lu Guang doesn't even warn him that Li Tianxi is mute. Right out of the gate. Is that really how little he could see? Okay. So we operate with the assumption that, right now, Lu Guang cannot see far in advance. Cheng Xiaoshi stresses, did he mess up? Isn't this a big deal? Lu Guang assures him that he can still see where the are going. Doesn't say where. Okay. That just means the future isn't dark. Lu Guang really can't see ahead right now. That's reasonable. And so we let the rest of the dive go... watching in horror at the events that unfold. Lu Guang apologizing to Cheng Xiaoshi in the photo. That if he could have seen, he wouldn't have let him dive.

Here's the thing. Two(?) nights prior, Lu Guang shows off a pretty bad ass skill. He sees into the security footage of the WHOLE DAMN HOSPITAL. How is that easier, soon after surgery mind you, than quickly scanning the photograph for even a hint of what might happen? (Or maybe Lu Guang can only scan the photograph once, before diving in. And he really couldn't see in that moment with a freshly opened stab wound. Apparently that's my new "chalk it up" theory, as of just now.) Remember, Cheng Xiaoshi doesn't know Lu Guang did that. He thinks Lu Guang was guiding them using live security footage, not becoming the eyes of the whole damn hospital.

When it comes to any present moment between them, Lu Guang is quick to give advice, nagging after Cheng Xiaoshi's behavior like a mother hen. But giving advice about the future? He doesn't do that. Maybe he can't do that.

Maybe no matter how badly Lu Guang wants to shout the future loud and clear, he is being prevented. Maybe it's a rule bound to his power. Maybe it's a rule bound to this "game."

Episode 10 preview. We want answers. We suspect Lu Guang has them. But guess what?

His lips are sealed. Literally.

[pesky--dust]

I love Chiyoh, but I feel like in a lot of fanfics she is portrayed as horribly cold, emotionless and she doesn't like Will and would do everything to protect Hannibal from him. We don't know much about her, practically as much as nothing, but I'll allow myself an amateur analysis of her person. 

(I spent too much time to read scripts of episodes with her). In inverted commas I placed dialogues and italicized the descriptions from the script. I also added screenshots of scripts, if I felt the need to. In bold letters I wrote the titles of the episodes I discussed and the summary of the whole post, because it turned out to be much longer than I expected. 

Secondo:

We meet Chiyoh in Secondo when Will went to Lithuania to better understand Hannibal. She is an excellent shooter and has a very good intuition — being watched by Will while hunting, she realizes that something has changed on the property (Something is off in this place she knows so well.). 

When she finally meets Will, who tells her he's Hannibal's friend, Chiyoh dips [shotgun’s barrel] slightly, either in hesitation or relief., but when he tells, he is looking for him, she raises the barrel again. She is apparently surprised that Will knows about Mischa, which shows the fragment of the script:

Chiyoh also asks Will how he knows Hannibal and when she hears his answer, she comes to the right conclusion:

Then Chiyoh asks Will to tell his story. We don't know exactly what Will told her, but he must have said something that made her react that way:

Finally she comments his story with: “Hannibal took someone from you, are you here to take someone from him?”, so I guess it's safe to assume Will told her about Abigail, but probably without details about complicated relationship between him, Abigail and Hannibal.

She tells she can understand Hannibal, because he is doing what has been done to Mischa. So she rather knows about killing and cannibalism, however I guess she has no idea about the fact that Hannibal ate his own sister, but about that a little bit later. In my opinion she sees Hannibal's actions as a coping mechanism to deal with what has happened to Mischa (and it wouldn't be wrong, people deal with trauma in different ways).

As I mentioned before, Chiyoh has perfect intuition and realizes that Will is similar to Hannibal (“You're nakama. Aren't you alike?”) and that he thought about killing and eating her (“You've given that some thought.”). Here is a script of that moment:

Will tells her also infamous: “I've never known myself as well as I know myself when I'm with him.” and Chiyoh’s reaction is: She considers that, recognizing the feeling.

Choyoh tells Will her story — she didn’t let Hannibal take the life of Misha's killer, so he left the prisoner's life in her hands. There is a dialog:

Not only Hannibal is curious if Chiyoh would kill the prisoner — Will is also curious, so he frees the prisoner. Prisoner, overwhelmed by the freedom he regained after twenty-five years (Outside for the first time in twenty-five years, the man shivers with terror.), returns to his cell and attacks Chiyoh, when he gains an opportunity to do so. Feeling life slipping away, Chiyoh drives a pheasant bone into the man's neck, eventually killing him, which results with: She does what she has always resisted and deliberately kills the caged man. He slumps and falls off her. She lies still for a moment, then lets out a SCREAM.

She knows Will is responsible for that and tells him that, but the shock of what she did caused also dialogue, in which she begins to wonder if Hannibal lied to her about what happened to his sister:

She decides to help Will to find Hannibal, because she had no reason to stay in Lithuania after killing that man.

Contorno:

On the train, Chiyoh tells Will how she came to meet Hannibal, how they played together as children and Hannibal was, “charming the way a cub is charming, a small cub that grows up to be like one of the big cats.”, with Will commenting, “One you can't play with later.”.

Will talks to her about the prisoner she killed. He asks if she sees herself killing that man, to which Chiyoh responds she does not see herself, but him:

When they are getting ready to bed, they are also talking and the dialogue I'm pasting in the next paragraph, makes me think that Chiyoh, despite living twenty-five years in solitude, can read people like Hannibal like an open book. Will says that violence can be used to control behavior, and Chiyoh notices that Hannibal is affecting Will and wonders if Will is also affecting Hannibal. She also realizes that Will wants to kill Hannibal because he fears otherwise he will become like Hannibal, so she comments with the words, “There are means of influence other than violence.”.

Later she repeats words, “There are means of influence other than violence.”, followed by:

(I really wanted to use that fragment of the script)

Dolce:

In this episode, Chiyoh introduces herself to Bedelia as Hannibal's family. She also tells Bedelia that they are like birds and that Hannibal puts them in cages, wondering what they will do.

When Bedelia asks her what she wants, Chiyoh answers, “I want to cage him.”. Bedelia tells her that she thought that the biggest Hannibal's mistake was Will Graham but maybe it's Chiyoh.

The next time we see Chiyoh, she shoots Will. While treating Will's gunshot wound, Hannibal tells Will that Chiyoh has always been protective of him and is delighted that she, not Will, killed the prisoner.

Later Chiyoh gets into the elevator where Jack is. Realizing that Jack is going to the same floor as she and that the man is watching her suspiciously, Chiyoh tells him, she has mistook the floor and leaves.

Digestivo:

This is the last episode where Chiyoh appears. It is also the episode in which Chiyoh meets Jack Crawford. After Hannibal and Will got kidnapped and Jack is about to be killed, Chiyoh rescues him by killing corrupted police officers, because she thinks she should have done it (“I ought to. I should. Therefore, I must.”). 

At the same time, she apparently realizes that Jack must know both Hannibal and Will. She understands that when she's talking about Hannibal, she apparently must also talk about Will (“You're sitting at Hannibal's table. You know him. You know Will.”).

Jack sees that Chiyoh can be violent, when the situation demands it and being asked, to where Hannibal and Will were taken, he tells her, he will tell her that information if she take his IV away, so she does so. He tells her where to find them and assures her he won't interfere.

To save Hannibal, Chiyoh travels to the United States, to Maryland. There, on the Muskrat Farm, when Hannibal carries Will half-conscious in his arms and is followed by Mason Verger's employees, Chiyoh kills them to keep Hannibal safe.

Next time when we see Chiyoh, she is on the porch of Will's house, where she finally meets Hannibal again. Hannibal asks, if she will go home, if she can go home, to which Chiyoh replies, “No more than you can.”, which is followed by the dialogue:

Much of this dialogue did not end in the episode, but despite everything, Chiyoh has changed her mind and does not want to see Hannibal in the cage anymore. The words “I see the best of you and the worst with steady hands and a slow heart.” I understand as the fact that Chiyoh knows Hannibal, she knows his good and bad traits; she's not afraid of him, but she knows she should be careful and not put her gun down.

I come back also to the topic of her knowledge about Hannibal's actions. As I wrote, she rather didn't know about the fact that Hannibal ate Mischa and it's pretty clear in that moment. She asks him about it and is actually relieved he only ate and didn't kill his sister.

Hannibal’s words “The most stable elements, Chiyoh, appear in the middle of the periodic table, roughly between iron and silver. Between iron and silver. I think that is appropriate for you.” mean to me that even though she killed a man, she's still the same Chiyoh he knew, since she is violent only when situation demands is and she's still going to protect him. Despite what she did, she didn't betray herself, as he did after Misha's death — she's better than him.

The last time we see her is when Hannibal surrenders. She's pointing a rifle at the officers and Hannibal, ready to fire if the FBI wants to kill Hannibal on the spot. Eventually she goes into the woods. It's the last moment we see her, the last moment we hear about her.

Summary (tl;dr)

All in all, Chiyoh is an excellent shooter. She also has great intuition, because — even though she barely met Will Graham — she practically immediately realizes how similar he is to Hannibal. She knows Will and Hannibal must be close if Will knows about Mischa. She also knows Hannibal took away someone close to Will. However, she says she accepts Hannibal because he does what has been done to Mischa, his sister, whom he loved above all else. She sees herself as Hannibal's family, but cries, realizing that maybe Will knows more about Hannibal than she does, because she asks him if Hannibal lied to her about what happened to Mischa.

She had a strict rule not to take a human life, but she's forced to do so in order not to die herself. She wants to protect Hannibal, because he's probably the only family she has.

Her words that there are other means of influence other than violence and her kissing Will, I understand that seeing how identical he and Hannibal are and that Hannibal influences Will's behavior and Will influences Hannibal's behavior, Chiyoh wants to convince Will that he doesn't have to kill Hannibal because violence is not the only means of influencing people's behavior — it can be also love. In my opinion, that's why Chiyoh doesn't kill Will when he pulls out a knife to hurt Hannibal. She shoots him to simply disable him, to give him a chance to reconsider his decision to take Hannibal's life.

She also realizes that apparently when talking about Hannibal, she must also be talking about Will, because in a conversation with Jack, she points out that Jack knows both Hannibal and Will.

At first, she wanted to put Hannibal in a cage, but: 1) after hearing from Bedelia that she thought Hannibal's biggest mistake was Will Graham, and yet maybe his biggest mistake was rather Chiyoh; 2) and after the massacre at the Verger farm; Chiyoh changed her mind.

I think it might have something to do with Jack's words, “I know them. They are identically different, Hannibal and Will.”, and with Bedelia's statement that she thought Will was Hannibal's the biggest mistake, and with the massacre at the Verger farm itself, as everyone Chiyoh has met tells her about closeness between Hannibal and Will; she also saw Hannibal rescuing and carrying Will, taking care of him at his home. 

She realizes that all of this can't be the result of violence. I think she sees that both Hannibal and Will are beasts, but they can control each other to a certain extent. She promises Hannibal that she will continue to protect him, but not in a cage, as some beasts are better not be caged. However, seeing that Hannibal decides to let himself be locked in a cage, she allows it, because it’s his decision.

I believe that after these events, Chiyoh remained in the United States to keep her hand on the pulse in case Hannibal needed her. Given that Chiyoh herself said she can’t go back home for the same reason Hannibal can’t (bad memories) and that, according to Bryan Fuller, she was the one who took care of the house on the cliff, I think that theory makes sense.

[shaunashipman]

With all this build up to the finale, some of which I’ve enjoyed (Buck and Tommy stills and people just enjoying the fact they’re together) and others I definitely haven’t (the constant bucktommy bones posts, that one person… again, and the whole talking about sex is gross and wrong).

But one thing that’s been fully solidified in my mind is the phrase “missing the forest for the trees” is the best way to describe the toxic buddie shippers.

Because tell me why every single time there are stills of Tommy it’s always about how his face looks like he doesn’t want to be there. Even though Tim showed these people they’re wrong before with the smiling Tommy picture with Hen he shared from the award ceremony. Like the stills don’t portray all emotions of a scene, it’s only that moment. Like act like you know what a picture is, it’s a moment in time and they aren’t always accurate.

Sometimes when it looks/walks/sounds like a duck, it’s just a damn duck. Not everything is some secret code saying that buddie is ever going to happen.

they are intentionally ignoring what is in front of their eyes. saying tommy never looks happy around buck, when he literally smiles in every scene they have together. there is no explanation for their "analysis" there is no basis for their "conclusions" other than the selfishness of a toddler who really thinks if they scream loud enough and stomp their feet hard enough that mommy will give them the toy they want

tho I have seen a few of them in the last few days whining that the season is "probably" going to end with bucktommy together and no buddie hint because "tim hates us and doesn't want to give us buddie"

I thought he was their biggest warrior?

like i'm done being any sort of nice about it: they're dumb

I'm just going to enjoy the finale tomorrow and spend the hiatus reading fics and making gifs and they can continue to cry into their froot loops

[the-exhausted-dumbass]

Hello everyone. I am the man that you all know as Panda. I ran the pandasanddragons blog. Most notoriously, you know me in association with “Rai” who is now going by Kip and by he/him pronouns. His tumblr blogs, as far as I know, are notaguyrai, slaps-and-scribbles, volcanic-penis, and terracotta-crockpot. He also made an Instagram account at one point. I don’t think he uses it anymore but it is boopyboopcoup. I have been able to prove with certainty that me and Kip are not the same person. I had a voice call with @theintrovertbean who had been in voice calls with Kip and was gracious enough to join me in one so that I could prove once and for all that we are different people. @iliveforyouilongforyouvesuvia was present during the call as well to serve as a mediator and can also confirm this information.

If you are not familiar with the situation, the original callout post is here.

I want to say that I am so sorry for everything. I let myself get caught up in all of this. I let Kip do horrible things, and encouraged him. I helped him, and I am deeply, exceptionally ashamed of that. I know that nothing I do can ever truly fix what I’ve done. I know that I messed up. I have no excuses for that. It was more terrible than I have words for. You don’t have to forgive me, I don’t expect you to either. But you all deserve a real apology. Not the fake bullshit one I had originally made.

Those posts original apology posts I made were made to try and cover things up, and to try and work out ways out of the whole situation. Those posts were also in some ways an attempt to pull all the blame onto myself, and take it off of Kip so he could keep doing whatever he wanted to do.

This did all truly start with a miscommunication, I vented to Kip. He decided he needed to do something and eventually we both got called out for that in August. Even before that, though, I had started to resent him. Afterwards, it all got worse. If I wanted to talk about it, he would brush me off. He would tell me that since it had already happened, there was nothing to talk about. And we started to argue more, I started to get more distant and he got angry about it.

I also want to apologize for my old blog. I originally made it so that I could make a post about my own opinion/analysis/whatever of Asra and Julian. I didn’t expect to get any attention and I hadn’t even planned on making more than one post. Kip encouraged me to keep posting, he helped me with the blog a lot. But I never wanted to just be a hater or be inflammatory with that blog. And so I am sorry for everyone who I hurt or upset with those posts.

The rest of this post discusses Kip, what he’s done, and my experience with him. Some of it is…a bit graphic and absolutely disgusting. But I feel it’s important to put it all out there. This is the last post I am going to make. After that, I’m leaving this fandom entirely and completely.

Recently, Kip has become active again, trying to cause harm to the Arcana fandom. This had brought attention to me, and to old posts I had made to vent about the situation and lead people to believe that the account was Kip and the source of the harassing messages.

I have decided to come forward with what I know about Kip and his current whereabouts, little as that may be. I do not want to run away from this situation anymore and let him have continued power over me.

I had at one point believed Kip to be my best friend and so I trusted him. I vented to him, I confided in him. I now believe that he saw me as not a person but as a toy. There were times when he would ask me to send messages to people, usually harmless. But he would also ask me to harass people on his behalf. When I expressed that I wasn’t comfortable with that, he would often call me a coward. I told him I sent things so he would leave me alone. He would even get angry with me for not wanting an ongoing conflict with someone I had had a slight miscommunication with. He was always pushing me into things because he “stupidly believed” that I was finally gaining confidence

Kip heavily manipulated me to believe that he was right, that he cared about me, and that anything he was doing was for my honor, as he put it.

He would often belittle me, implying that I was stupid or inferior to him, and also often ignored my boundaries. Much of this came in the form of talking about our OC’s. Often times, Kip would tell me that he was horny. He would then proceed to write about how his OC would assault mine. I participated and I wish I hadn’t. Because it was horrible and I never actually enjoyed it. Kip viewed my OC as his own personal sex toy. He wanted to write “dead dove” content about my OC. I had expressed not liking an idea he was writing out, and he ignored it and kept going with the scenario. I even framed it as my OC’s boundaries but it all went ignored and he would continue. I would try to steer it in a more palatable direction. But that turned into Kip wanting my OC to assault his.

After a creator was sent suicide bait, and a different user, wanting to defend them, came to my blog saying it had been me, I panicked. All I knew was that I had not sent anything like that, and I wanted people to know. It was then doubled down that I did it, with reblogs stating it, several non anon asks, and several anon asks. I couldn’t take it anymore, and I wanted to just delete the blog and be done with it all. Kip, however, told me that many people loved that blog and I should leave it up so they could revisit if they wanted to. So he offered taking it so that I could have some peace while everyone else got to still have access to the blog as an archive. After that I had no control over or access to that blog. In some respects, Kip had access over all of my socials, or at least my tumblr blogs. He would tell me to send asks to people, and I would as long as it was harmless. I never sent anything that would have been harassing or cruel and he called me a coward for it.

Kip often edited my posts, he had access to them before they were posted, he read pretty much anything I posted before I posted it, and put his own suggestions into them.

Some of these images may be a bit blurry, but I needed to put them together since I’m on my phone. These images are from the discord server that me and Kip shared. After the initial call out post, I deleted my old account and joined the server from a new account. So the “deleted user” is me, and I took screenshots from the new account.

This group of images is Kip describing how everyone has always been nothing it a social experiment to him, myself included

This group of images is how Kip liked to abuse my OC. Mostly starting with things like “Your OC is afraid of [x] right? So what if…” it got intense and this is the most mild of it all.

This one is specifically something Kip came up with because both me and my OC share a fear of being pregnant

These images are of Kip…generally manipulating and guilting me. And getting upset that I had wanted to apologize for everything

Kip guilt tripping me, riling me up, and just being awful in general

More guilting, and mistreatment. Things that hurt, and in the top left corner, when this all started. And I told Kip to drop it all. And of course, that he was angry with me for making amends with someone immediately instead of holding a grudge and being mean to them.

These last two are our last conversations. I was angry at him and I finally confronted him about everything. And of me having had doubts, having been disgusted with myself about everything that happened and Kip telling me that we were doing the right thing.

[letteredlettered]

Hi!! Have you ever struggled with burnout, depression, or overwork? Currently in my first job post college and it’s been very intense as we are currently like 3 people doing the work of a team designed for 7 people (two roles they are working to fill and two people are out on leave -> one is out on vacation and the other on parental leave). Have spent many ours on overtime (around two days a week I usually sleep five or six hours and spend a few more hours working —> other days I work a bit less but still some overtime) for the last few months. It’s really hard to decompress and stop thinking about work as I work remotely. I need to get better at setting limits and advocating for myself but I think one issue I’ve been dealing with is getting caught in a cycle of having a lot so having not a lot of time to do an analysis of like what needs to change and this is my bandwidth. Also it’s hard to predict bandwidth sometimes because I’m still very new to this industry and department, so I’m still learning how much coordination is necessary to get something done. Another problem is that everyone is stretched to their limit and extremely busy, so I feel kind of bad rejecting projects. I think an issue is that I also have relatively low self-esteem and confidence but a deep desire to be “good” from like an academic perspective and a work perspective, and the main leader of my team is someone who I like a lot and appreciates what I do, so I keep trying to do more or at least meet expectations. I also receive assignments from different people (five people total, usually), so people generally don’t have visibility as to my bandwidth unless I speak up. One person in particular gave me a lot of assignments with a good deal of time pressure and was the person that I was working the closest with —> still trying to catch up to some of the more evergreen projects I had with him because the other projects I’ve had in the last two months have even way too intense to do anything else. I’m really grateful for this job and I like a lot of the people I work with, but I’m kind of struggling.

I mention all of this because I really respect the way you are able to commit to creative projects and create incredible works and really focus on making something. I’ve never really had an ability to stick to a creative project or hobby for an extended period of time —> frequently I disappoint myself in my lack of consistency or follow-through for a lot of my personal goals. I also really appreciate the way that you engage with certain themes in your work and value your perspective. So just kind of curious if you’ve been through this before or have any thoughts about this sort of thing

I've thought a lot about what to tell you here.

What anyone would recommend is that you set boundaries and take care of yourself. They'd say that your well-being is more important than your work. If they read your ask carefully they'd realize that maybe your performance in this job is connected to your well-being in your mind. If they're looking at the strings that control the system they're going to tell you capitalism has brainwashed us into thinking that we should sacrifice our health for the sake of production, and then they'll tell you you should do what you can to break out of the capitalist mentality. If they're not excited about seizing the means of production then their in-universe advice (in-the-capitalist-universe advice) is going to point out that you cannot produce more for the capitalist machine if you're burnt out (I'd call these people the neoliberals of tumblr but I'm not sure that exists; I haven't seen it).

But none of that is really addressing the problem here, because you already know all of that, or if you don't know it, knowing that isn't going to help you. You don't need to be told to set boundaries. You know you accept too many projects; you know that you haven't been clear with your colleagues about your bandwidth. You know you're trying too hard to please others and that part of the reason is you have a low self-esteem.

Something that people don't talk about enough is how bad it feels to set boundaries. When people advise others to "set boundaries" it's always as if it's never occurred to anyone else to stand up for themselves. The problem is that it usually has occurred to us, but it's hard to do and feels bad. Hearing "stand up for yourself!" repeatedly can sometimes help us feel like we did the right thing when we do manage to stand up for ourselves, but it can just as often make you feel even worse when you can't stand up for yourself. You're being overworked and you're not doing the thing that everyone tells you you should do.

And another thing that people do not talk about enough is that most workplaces do not like employees who set boundaries for themselves. They like people who say yes. You often won't get in trouble for setting reasonable limits for yourself, but you won't advance. The ones who work late and work on weekends and take on every project and say nothing about bandwidth are usually the ones who get promoted. I'm not saying this because it's right or okay. It's another flaw in the capitalist system. But it is very often true, and I've been a little frustrated that in all these glorious discussions about boundary-setting, this is not something that gets talked about more.

So what to do, when you know the answers, but it doesn't feel great, and might not get you where you want to go?

Spend time with your feelings. A lot of time with your feelings. Imagine ways to communicate your bandwidth. Imagine how you would feel in each scenario. Pick scenarios that feel more comfortable and less intimidating for you. Imagine saying no to a new project. Imagine how you would feel doing that. Pick a way of doing it that feels the most manageable.

Think about your colleagues, what you like about them and why. Imagine how they would feel if they knew that you were struggling. Imagine having an honest conversation with them about how hard this is for you. Would they listen open and compassionately? Would they try to make changes that could help you? Or would they say, "We're all going through it," and "there's nothing to be done?" Imagine saying to them, "I know we're all going through this, because of the staffing challenges we're facing," and "I know there's not much to be done about this, but this is how I'm feeling." Would they accept your vulnerability? Would it make you feel bad to be vulnerable in that way? Would it make you feel worse to be vulnerable in that way or to say nothing?

That's not a leading question. Saying nothing is okay. There have been many times where I am facing a problem and I realized that doing nothing was the thing that made me feel best. There were other times when I really didn't want to do something and I knew it would be incredibly hard, but I knew I would feel much better having done it.

Think about your self-esteem and confidence. Why don't you feel confident? When you imagine saying no, and it feels bad, what makes it feel so bad? Is it because other people don't say no? Are you measuring yourself against those other people? How can you stop doing that? Or is it because you feel like a good worker always says yes? Where did you get that idea? Was it an idea communicated to you by people who love you? By society? Are there people who haven't made you feel that your worth as a person was predicated on how much you were able to accomplish? When is the last time you spent time with them? What makes you feel good about yourself? When is the last time you did it? Are there things you can do outside of work to boost your confidence? What are they? Can you do them? Why not? If work is holding you back from doing them, is it worth it?

It's okay if work feels worth it. I'm not endorsing the capitalist machine when I say that it is okay to do something that is really difficult or unpleasant for a certain amount of time to get where you are going. But if that's what you're going to do, then develop a plan of escape. Ask yourself how long you're willing to put up with this. Ask yourself what the next step in your career or life journey is. Ask yourself what you will put up with to get there and what is unacceptable. Write it down if you have to, then try to abide by that, and if you are unable to bear your plan six months down the line, make a new one.

I am fortunate in that these kinds of questions come really naturally to me, and I think they must not come so naturally for a lot of other people. Definitely, there are blocks in my mind; I'm not always able to understand myself or my own feelings; I don't know what's best for myself or how to make myself do things I want. But this kind of thinking is not going to give you immediate answers. Instead, it's going to build the skill of getting to know yourself.

The ultimate question you should be asking is "What will make me happy?" It sounds like a simple question, but it is in fact the most difficult of all. It is the question we struggle with every day, and every book that was ever written, every song that was ever sung, every painting that was ever painted is about that, in the end. The answer to that question is the meaning of life. Most people never find it, but the search is worth it.

It's definitely worth it.

[jazda-iga]

"I don’t suggest or hint at anything. She has trainers for that." - interview with Iga Swiatek's father

The interview was translated from Polish:

**In your relationship, are you the one who motivates Iga to keep pushing the limits of endurance, for example, by training in a mask to improve fitness?**

Iga is so intelligent and independent that we don’t even talk about it. I don’t suggest or hint at anything. She has trainers for that. I have stepped aside. Tomasz Wiktorowski is responsible for tennis issues, Maciej Ryszczuk for general preparation, and Daria Abramowicz for psychological matters. The team works very well, and they themselves make sure that the workload is at the right level.

**You and Iga live sports practically all year round. Can you talk about anything other than tennis?**

It’s amazing, but even when I come to Iga for tournaments and spend a lot of time with her, we don’t talk about tennis at all. We decided long ago that it’s impossible to live the sport all the time. Even during important tournaments, you have to escape with your thoughts from tennis, because constantly thinking about it would not do any good. The best tennis players are characterized by the fact that they devote one hundred percent of their time to the discipline - at training and during matches, possibly during post-match analysis. They devote the rest of their time to other issues.

**Don’t you miss your role as head of your daughter’s team?**

I’m glad I’m no longer one. I’ve never been a tennis player, so I’ll never feel it all as much as Iga and others do. Now she is the one who manages the team, makes the key decisions. She’s doing very well.

**Was it easy to cut yourself off like that?**

I didn’t cut myself off, after all, I’m still with her, I go to many tournaments. However, I try to have my own life and let Iga live and work as she wants. Before coming to the Olympics, I also talked to her about it. She agreed, she wanted me to be by her side during the tournament. I’m happy to be by her side as a parent. It really is more beneficial for everyone when there is a division of roles and competencies. The result is good results on the court. We are first and foremost a family, and family is not work. That’s what Iga has specialists for.

**Many parents can’t find themselves in just such a role....**

... And belong to the committee of crazy parents. Of course, it wasn’t easy for me at the beginning, but there was a moment when I processed a lot of things and understood what my role was. That, however, was quite early, even before Iga started her career in the WTA series. I’m glad I figured it out so quickly.

**Not so long ago, Magda Linette’s dad admitted that he had trouble focusing on his other responsibilities. Do you also experience your daughter’s matches so strongly?**

This is something that cannot be taught. When Iga enters the game well, there are indeed easier matches. I will admit that then I can actually relax. The match becomes a bit of such a self-play, and I watch the competition completely at ease. Still, there are some matches where you can see that Iga has difficulties from the beginning and struggles to play her tennis. This hurts me as a parent, but we have learned that losing is part of the sport. You can’t win all the time, especially in tennis.

**Isn’t it that with each success it becomes harder and harder to come to terms with Iga’s losing matches?**

Maybe, in fact, Iga has accustomed fans to the fact that most matches go quite easily for her. However, one should have a distance from this. It’s not that she has to win every match. I myself explain to her that she has already done so much that now she doesn’t have to prove anything to anyone and should focus on enjoying it.

**Can you say that you know your daughter so well that just by her stepping out on the court you are able to tell what kind of match it will be for her?**

It doesn’t work that way, because after all, every match has its phases. Tennis is interesting because practically until the end there is a possibility to make up even the biggest losses. However, I can see when the match is under her control, and when the bigger problems actually start.

**Many experts say that during the Olympic Games we didn’t watch the real Iga, that she was too tense, nervous. What do you make of this?**

The Olympic tournament is special because it is unique and is played only every four years. The extra stress was evident not only from Iga, but also from the other athletes. The favorites didn’t always win and it felt like a completely different burden.

**It seemed that until now such issues as too much external pressure had not affected Iga. Why was it different this time?**

The pressure to win the gold medal was very high, a lot of articles were written, everyone was already hanging this medal around Iga’s neck before the tournament, and this certainly did not help. Iga is only human. And it’s not like we push a button, the machine will go out on the court, win all the matches and leave Paris with the gold. I saw up close how much this tournament cost her, how stressed she was and how much she cared.

**Iga herself said that she cuts herself off from the media for the duration of the tournaments, but you probably read them. How do you react to some of the experts’ opinions, such as the one about not having a plan B for the matches?**

People write all sorts of things, but I decided from the beginning that I would not fight windmills. If I wanted to straighten out wrong assumptions, I wouldn’t do anything else, and I don’t have time for that. People judge differently, but it has the common feature that when it goes well, almost everyone praises, and when there is one stumble or loss, immediately the criticism begins. It’s hard to say what this is due to.

**I understand that you as a father are hurt by the critical comments against your daughter, but I think you have to admit that this is not the norm, that it is incidental.**

My point is not to elevate her on a pedestal, but to treat her like a human being who also needs support and is not an insensitive machine. I wish she could feel appreciated even in her weaker moments. It’s great that there are a lot of fans who give support and positive comments or messages also in more difficult moments.

**Do you have any examples of specific allegations that have outraged you the most?**

I’m not going to talk about specifics, because it’s pointless. However, the point is that many “experts” speak up, although they have absolutely no idea about the factors that affect performance and career or tennis development. They make theses that are often not supported by reality. This does not lead to anything, but creates chaos. However, I realize that I can’t fix the world by myself.

**Do you wonder how long Iga’s dominance can continue? Are you afraid of a real crisis?**

I’m not afraid of that at all, because it’s clear that there will come a moment when she trains or plays worse. Or simply the motivation will be less. This is part of life and sport. In her case, it’s all a matter of intrinsic motivation. If she drops for various reasons, it is clear that the ranking position will also drop. However, I don’t think it will be a drama. This is the natural course of things, after all, life is not a straight line going upwards only.

**Do you think Iga is ready for something like this? Are you preparing for such a moment?**

We don’t talk about it. The key is for Iga to continue wanting to do what she likes. So that after one tournament she still feels like going to the next one and competing. I assume that she is young enough and motivated enough to achieve more success that she treats her career as a great adventure. We are enjoying it all and doing everything we can to help her seize the moment.

**In the past, there were times when Iga called you and had moments of doubt about the sense of what she was doing?**

There were no such radical cases, but Iga pays attention to the WTA calendar, which forces players to constantly move and play with great frequency. After all, more and more tournaments are compulsory, and tournaments such as the Olympic Games have little room in the calendar, as this edition showed - they require an unfavorable change of surface twice. Such a system will lead to a decrease in the quality and level of play of the players. Already there are a lot of injuries, injuries or simple fatigue. All this causes the rank of the tournaments to drop. Fortunately, Iga is physically well-prepared and for the time being is able to manage the load properly, but it is a very demanding process.

Interviewed by Mateusz Puka, journalist at WP SportoweFakty

[notsocheezy]

Brain Curd #176

Brain Curds are lightly edited flash fiction - practically first drafts - posted daily (haven't missed one yet!) and sometimes written with the express intention of being terrible… but, you know, in an endearing way. Please like and reblog if you enjoy - the notes keep me going!

He's gonna be Frank with you. Read the rest of The Frank Program here on Tumblr!

Last time on The Frank Program, Frank caught Daryl watching something on his phone during recording, and he didn't like what he saw.

Daryl exploded out the door to the parking lot, anger in his stride, fear in his posture, and tears in his eyes. Chad, leaning on a car, got up immediately when he saw the kid running off.

“Hey!” He called out. Daryl wasn’t stopping for anything.

Cautiously, Chad poked his head back inside. Frank was stoic, silent in his host’s seat, a lit cigarette in his left hand. He took a drag from it and sighed out a puff of smoke.

“Come in, Mr. Graves. We oughtta finish the show.”

“You alright, bud?”

There were bags under Frank’s eyes that Chad didn’t recall seeing before. “I’m plenty content to finish recording.”

Graves sat down in his chair. The corner behind him was conspicuously empty. The chair which had been there before sat askew and on its side at the other end of the room.

“You know, Mr. Graves -”

“You can just call me Chad.”

“Well, Chad…” Frank took another hit. “I ain’t touched a cigarette in ten years. Kept this one in the studio just to prove to myself I didn’t need it.” He chuckled. “Funny how I keep proving myself wrong, huh?”

“How’s that?”

“Oh, the usual. I think o’ someone as a friend, or a wife, or… or a son. And I come to find they never were, really. They stab me in the goddamn back.”

“I take it that your chat didn’t go too well?”

Frank sneered. “You have no idea.”

“I’m sure he’ll come around. You know teenagers, I mean… I remember when I was a teenager, I got in arguments with my parents all the time.”

“We’re no stranger to arguments, Chad. This is somethin’ else. I’m losing my boy.”

“What exactly happened?”

Frank huffed and smothered his cigarette in the ashtray. “We better get back to my prepared questions.”

“Yeah…” Chad nodded slowly. “Alright.”

Frank shuffled through pages, looking for a question he still felt like asking. “Uh… Do you and your friends ever have creative differences when working on the show?”

“I don’t think we’d be as effective at doing our jobs if we did. Really, all four of us try to stay out of the creative side of things most of the time. Our producer decides what the story is for a given episode. He takes our full night of footage, and our analysis of the findings, and he gives that to his editor to make the pieces fit together.”

“Does the show replicate the experience of actually bein’ there, do ya think?”

“To be honest with you, I don’t usually watch it. Kind of a ‘been there, done that’ situation. But I have been channel surfing before and caught a rerun from a few years ago, and it definitely brought back memories.”

“Well that’s nice. Nice to have something to look back on. I guess I’ve got that too, huh? A little piece of the past… to bring back memories.”

“Yeah, I guess so. The nice thing about the show is it cuts out all the boring bits. The parts where we’re just sitting around, whispering to each other like we’re trying not to wake up the parents at a sleepover.”

“Right,” Frank said, a lump in his throat. “Those are the parts you really miss when they’re gone.”

Chad tilted his head to look around his microphone. “It’s gonna be okay, Frank. He’ll -”

“Mr. Graves, I don’t want another grown man to see me cry. So thank you for being here, but I must be signing off. Go ahead and tell the people where to find you.”

“I’m on all the socials as @GravesGhostVisions, so just search that up if you want to see where we’re headed next.”

“Thank you. This has been The Frank Program…” Frank struggled to get the words out without letting tears come with. “So long.”

[russilton]

BODY LANGUAGE ANALYSIS BODY LANGUAGE ANALYSIS BODY LANGUAGE ANALYSIS BODY LANGUAGE ANALYSIS BODY LANGUAGE ANALYSIS BODY LANGUAGE ANA-

ALRIGHTY HERE WE FUCKIN GO-

So this is about the Silverstone ‘23 hug, my beloved, my hyperfocus for the past week while I poked around and wrote this, and also because I say this every time but you can see a visual development jump in how George used to approach Lewis, how hes matured, and how much more at home he feels in Lewis’s space- I’m going off already…

Get ready for far more photos than anyone needs of this, in so many angles because…I have an archival hoarding problem! We know this!

Hug Video, for anyone who hasn’t seen it yet

So, unsurprisingly, I want to start by talking about what happens before George and Lewis even touch, because I never know quite how to launch into curated insanity (fun fact I wrote the second half before the first because I hate writing intros, you will probably be able to tell)

Silverstone marks the first time I’ve ever seen George deliberately wait for Lewis, especially when he doesn’t beeline for Lewis as his main focus. It’s good of George to congratulate Lando but I personally find it pretty distinct to how he goes to Lewis. Lando is a quick companionable slap and move on, they’ve been trying to get on a little better recently I think and it shows. But its an entirely different vibe than when he goes for Lewis, who he slows down for and requests the full focus of, by waiting and tapping at his back.

George has a thing for tap tapping Lewis for his attention, its a bit like watching a cat paw at someone to be noticed. I remember George doing it when he and Lewis climbed the fence after Brazil and Lewis was still waving to the crowd when George stole a phone off a merc staff member and began going tap tap slap tap on lewis’ shoulder so he’d focus in on George again. It’s oddly adorable to watch him become at ease with going ‘hey hey Lewis Lewis hey look at me’

This one (I couldn’t find a gif at this second of the slap slap tap but I have no doubt it exists. If it doesn’t,… ill make it exist), George has gone from a guy who would hover awkwardly to see if Lewis would even glance his way, to someone perfectly comfortable demanding his attention. And that’s what I was so fond of seeing at Silverstone, George getting right into Lewis’ space, patting his lower back (rather than shoulder or arm) and essentially going ‘hey! Hug?’

Which Lewis then grants immediatly, grabbing Georges hand and falling into a position that must be becoming muscle memory the amount of times they’ve done it

I MEAN LOOK AT THIS, Left is Hungary 2022, Right is Silverstone 2023. In Hungary they double podiumed (L P2- G P3), and yet the only difference between it and Silverstone is that now George tucks into Lewis even closer.

Maybe it’s something only I notice, but George ducks his head a little more every time they hug, almost like he’s trying to get closer and closer to tucking himself inside Lewis’ suit entirely. He always angles it like he’s going for the weirdest kiss, fitting his head up next to Lewis’. George is 6’2 or so, to Lewis’ 5’9 and yet every time George is the one trying to crunch himself into Lewis’ space, get their heads as close as he can with the HANS device and thick crash foam helmets obscuring the way. They always seem like they’re millimetres from clunking their heads off one another the way George always goes for it.

For a guy who likes to strut with all the confidence in the world and drive like it too, George always seems to ache for those tangible reminders that Lewis cares about him, be it his praise or this, wrapping a clingy arm around Lewis’ neck and making it feel as all encompassing as he can before he’s straightening up and acting like nothing has happened… usually only for the pair of them to post 4 different angles of photos of them together as soon as the race weekend ends….

(Gif courtesy of @princemick , posted with permission because, ‘I’m not putting that on my blog Markus’, thank you Kyle, sorry I made you scroll into one of the middle of my rambles to find your own name)

I feel something we also glossed over in the original fervour and shouting is that they never let go of one another’s hands during the entire movement, Lewis’ fingers remains clenched tight around George’s as they pull one another in. I watched this gif on loop, you can’t really tell who begins the whole movement, they meet one another rather than George pulling Lewis to him or vice versa. But the whole time their hands are pressed into one another’s ribs, a block of hooked contact between them. It’s not quite as desperate as say, Brazil or Australia, where George threw himself wholly into Lewis and earned a proper two armed bear hug, but its not a situation that asks for it, even in its above tenderness its a warm ‘well done, good job, even if its not me I’m glad its one of us, no hard feelings’ hug.

Hard feelings George would be somewhat entitled to have! It’s his home race, he wants that podium as much as Lewis did, if not more, but he himself said after that if not for the safety car, NEITHER of them would have gotten that step, they couldn’t clear the McLarens and well, Max might as well be considered an automatic first. So at least its one of them up there, one Mercedes. It’s not Merc’s fault the safety car came out, and Lewis has experienced plenty of his own disastrous safety car luck last year, it’s just unfortunately the way George’s luck fell… But George still seeks Lewis out for a moment of comfort, a congrats for getting points for the team, before he returns to the garage to lick his wounds.

It’s a big but gradual shift in their partnership, the way they’re not just coming to one another when they are BOTH happy, but in other moments too, for comfort and congratulations right after the race ends and before anything else. Last year if they weren’t both on the podium or side by side, they tended to go their separate ways and roll into separate routines. Even at Georges first podium in Aus 22 Lewis didn’t haul him in for a hug until they were both in the TV pen (and I’ve gone over how emotional that moment makes me before lol). But this year I’ve seen so much more how they just… hang around one another. After qualifying or sprints they show up side by side weighing in together, talking before helmets even come free, simple little moments of being relaxed in the others space, George knowing Lewis wont rebuff him.

Casual intimacy is a rare thing with Lewis, I honestly never saw much of it with ANYONE other than Valtteri and Seb and his team. Lewis is touchy, he’ll congratulate anyone, but then he seems to prefer to drift into his own quiet area, doing things alone and focused on himself. With the exception of people he’s really fond of, and I truly think George is entering that little group, tentatively. He’s doing what Val used to, sliding easily up to Lewis, patting him casually, knowing Lewis wont jump and back away, but will allow him in instead. It’s not a hopeful guess anymore, George expects Lewis to let him in because Lewis has initiated it over and over.

Lewis doesn’t have to do this honestly, he has been subject to multiple teammates who he didn’t get along with from the second they stepped into the paddock each week, hes seen and outlasted hundreds of drivers he barely spoke to. He’s beholden to nothing. But George he allows close now, likely because as he’s said so often these days, hes trying. He’s trying to be the best teammate he can be, someone who doesn’t force George to deal with the ice he turned on Valtteri at times, someone who’s trying to trust from the get go, and George returns that trust with physical contact and adoration in ample supply.

It’s good for both of them honestly, and each week I post their hugs and get a cacophony of tags going ‘see they get on!’ As if its up for debate anymore. Sure they have their rough and snippy moments, their radios are never perfect, but they’re human beings, and I really think anyone under the assumption these two aren’t deeply fond of one another is wilfully ignoring ample evidence to the contrary and just, what they both want?

They both want to be seen as friends, they both want people to know they like one another, and they go out of their way to show it. I mean God damn you don’t take side by side half nude ice baths with a guy you hate, and you certainly don’t post an artful depth of field photo of you tucking your head into his fuckin neck, do you.

There you go, my long, insane, only slightly winding and off topic ramble about boys, body language, and big soft hugs. Anyone who read to the end of this- why.

[atopvisenyashill]

i think the problem with hotd is that people are expecting asoiaf levels of writing or early got levels of writing but they're just not built like that lol martin is a generational talent but f&b is not that good and some changes are needed

okay so-

f&b is bad

objectively yes. i think it has better world building than a lot of other fantasy out there but the concept of “hiding my hints about the main series through world building with an unreliable narrator” is not done particularly well with f&b. i think it just doesn’t fit george’s gardening writing style and i wish he’d let it go or at least rework the concept.

some changes are needed

again, yeah objectively, and that’s not even just an f&b thing. adapting a series with this many characters and this many moving parts is monumentally difficult and that’s not even getting into how moving from book to film is always a challenge bc something that works on paper won’t work visually. but also, with how all over the place f&b is, it makes sense to tweak things to be more thematically resonant.

people are expecting better writing but these people do NAWT have that dog in em

again objectively right. it’s not just that no one can stand up to george’s writing, it’s that d&d just fundamentally misunderstand or don’t care about a lot of the main themes and characters in the books. they specifically spoke derisively about fans of the books who were “moms” (what the fuck does that even mean!) and nerds who like to analyze themes, because d&d are fake nerds, they are NOT fantasy lovers and they are NOT good writers. then you get condal, who imo buys way too much into the idea of the divinity of nobility in fiction (which is a very common thing in american fantasy. i think i’ve talked about this before, but mia from btb had a really great thread basically saying that divine nobility is so common in american fantasy bc we’ve never culturally HAD a monarchy & therefore don’t have that cultural memory of “this system sucks and we should be guillotining these freaks post haste” and this is something george is specifically critiquing!) which is why he’s so willing to cut lowborn or what i like to call “middle class nobility” like jeyne poole, beth cassell, and nettles (and tbh i think there’s shades of this in why sandor is written so abysmally too) and i do think ryan UNDERSTANDS that monarchies are Bad but he has this preoccupation with Exploring Divine Right that eclipses a lot of the class analysis. and hess is just like. idk what that woman’s problem is tbh i think she has a preoccupation with women being victimized and while i think understanding the ins and outs of what Being A Woman In The World is incredibly important to have in the writers room, i also think what she wants is catharsis and that’s just not something this series is ever going to offer anytime soon.

all of that to say, condal & hess may have a better understanding of the series and less weird hang ups about gender, race, and sexuality than d&d, they’re already kind of fucked bc the og show is such a bad adaption and they have their OWN hang ups that they seem completely unaware of, and no one to tell them no bc this ip is hbo’s cash cow.

the problem

HOWEVER. i feel similar about like, the last jedi for example in that i think that was a deeply flawed and annoying movie that misunderstands the entirety of lucas’ skywalker saga and is way too focused on kyle ron’s whiny bitch baby tantrums over his parents getting divorced when it should have been focused on THE MAIN FUCKING CHARACTERS in rey & finn, ntm the incredibly weird racial dynamics of how rian wrote finn, poe, rose, and tio benicio’s character who i forget the name of. BUT. i also think a lot of the good, necessary, and CORRECT criticism of tlj gets lost in the misogynistic racist nerdboy backlash to Women And Brown People Existing, and then further buried by Disney running the IP into the fucking ground (as well as, unfortunately, queen carrie fisher dying before production was finished).

So IMO i think there’s a non zero chance that HBO does some meddling with hotd bc it’s expensive and a big ip, and because tbis is a series that means a lot emotionally to a lot of people, including some of the most annoying illiterate assholes on the internet, a lot of the really good, necessary, and CORRECT criticism gets lost under the sheer amount of people with nicola-or-holliday-as-rhaenyra-icons bitching about how they don’t let rhaenyra look girly enough and never mind that outside of like two scenes where she HAS to wear trousers, she’s ALWAYS WEARING DRESSES AND JEWELRY??? it’s like, yeah i DO think the way they write daemon’s interactions with his daughters & laena is stupid & bad & makes him less interesting as a character and i think part of that is hess’ preoccupation with victimization and catharsis but do NOT put me in the same goddamn conversation as people unironically saying that targaryen problems started when they started fucking andals, it’s not MY fault the h particles go craaaazy in this fandom!

[trans-luis-serra-navarro]

Hello EveryPony this is my analysis of why ‘The Milk Carton’ by Madilyn Mei is The Most Luis Serra song Ever Created that I was peer pressured by my friends into posting (/j)

((Continued in the reblogs!!))

* I would also like to note that this is all copy and pasted from DM’s between me and my friends, so if the grammar/spelling seems a little wonky or silly, that’ll be why BXBBSNSJX

Ok so the intro is all sad and whatnot. This is him as he’s dying. In those inbetween moments after he’s called Ada and before he shot Krauser. He’s reminiscing on his life and just how much he misses his childhood bed. He thinks about how good he had it as a child and at umbrella and how he’ll never be able to retrace his steps and fix his mistakes or go back to a home that doesn’t exist anymore

Taking this one literally it’s him as a kid being very carefree. He doesn’t know the forest is full of wolves and he doesn’t know what’s coming up next for him in life

And then this line kind of makes me think of how he had a pretty sheltered upbringing. Like the rabbits he sees while hunting aren’t white and fluff and cartoony like on tv. The wolves aren’t friendly like the dogs in town and he finally wonders only after his grandfather was attacked if they’d domesticated him

These lines, again, make me think about how he was living so carefree with umbrella. He knows maybe deep down that what he’s doing is illegal but does it matter?? He’s living the highlife

And then the beat drop is him finding out Oh!! They’re gonna use what I’ve made to Kill People!! And suddenly the ‘in crowd’ he wanted to be apart is the one thing he’s trying to run from and get them to let him out

And then this is him returning home, but this time with his face plastered on wanted posters everywhere- and people recognise him from the missing posters his face was put on when he ran away as a child and he realises he’s drowning in his own guilt, his work, everything- bht he quite literally never learnt how to swim

This I imagine is him right before and right after he meets Leon. He’s forgotten things. He’s left them at a home that no longer exists. That he can no longer return to. He’s left his belongings and bits and pieces of himself in his burnt home and with umbrella. Life was one big race to make it but now it’s one big chase to make up for everything he’s done

These lines I imagine are him ALWAYS telling OTHER PEOPLE that they can still win- they’ve just gotta be faster, cuz that’s been his method his whole life. Be faster than your mistakes, be stronger than you realise. He tells this to Ada, Ashley and Leon and eventually he tells it to himself

Then this big portion I imagine is him riding the high of thinking he’ll make it out alive. That he can have one more adventure as don Quixote with his Sancho- defeating giants and cracking jokes etc etc. he reminisces on what he’s done but he’s riding that euphoria that he’ll make it out (think like when he turns around to face Leon and says “we made it all this way- you know it means we’re almost-)

This one honestly kind of reminds me of him running into his lab to get the treatment, always throwing himsled in danger to save others- but it also reminds me of his he’s literally struggling to breathe and stand while shooting Krauser. One last stand. But whose gonna be there to save HIM when HES suffocating

[bluvlet]

hi ted!!

can you please talk about your opinion/thoughts on the relationship between robbie and drew bc you've mentioned it a few times in your posts and I'd like to know more about it 💕

Hi!! Thank you for the ask!! I’m afraid I can't offer a very well thought out analysis for you. But I’m happy to just ramble for a few paragraphs about some of my most steadfast thoughts about Drew and Robbie!

I really like the dynamic between Drew and Robbie; I think its significance can easily go overlooked compared to the other relationships in the episode. I suppose that my thesis statement is that it’s a parallel to Blake and Ellie’s relationship. Of course you have the general narrative parallels between Ellie and Robbie: the faceless children. And the parallels between Blake and Drew as fathers, which all work to naturally create a peculiar sort of four way mirror of reflection - where everybody's relationships are comparative. In that sense, Drew and Robbie mirror Blake and Ellie by virtue of what the narrative puts them through.

But I also understand this to be how Drew himself views his relationship with Robbie. I’ve talked about this a few times before - I think Drew purposefully recreates the circumstances surrounding Ellie’s death with what he does to Robbie. ‘I want you to know what it’s like to be me.’ he tells Blake, rather solemnly. If we take Drew as telling the truth (which I do here) then he’s admitting what he’s doing is supposed to represent Ellie’s death. I don’t mean this in a literal sense (that whatever Drew imagines happened between Blake and Ellie he recreates with Robbie) but more as a lens through which Drew constructs and executes his plan.

To Drew, Robbie is Ellie. Robbie represents this precious thing that Drew has lost, his daughter he is prepared to die for to avenge. He wants Blake to know what it's like, so he will try his best to replicate the circumstances he lost Ellie in with Blake’s son. But for Blake to know how it feels to be Drew, Drew has to assume Blake’s role. Drew has to be Robbie’s abuser in order for his plan to work. As a consequence, Robbie takes on two juxtaposing identities to Drew - something precious Blake should sacrifice everything to keep safe, and a pawn Drew can bury in a box underground to punish Blake.

There’s a sequence in the first half of the episode, before Drew drops his act, where I think these two roles merge into one in Drew’s mind. I’ve said all this before. Drew knows what he’s done to Robbie is killing him. I interpret Drew’s ‘I think I might’ve killed somebody’ and the outburst that follows as a genuine slip of his composure. I’m struggling to find the right way to word this but I think that in that moment Drew views (if not entirely then at least partially) what he’s done to Robbie as how he views Ellie’s death. He recognises that he’s buried Blake’s son alive, outside of the game he’s playing. That despairing recognition turns into anger, and he snaps at Blake. He then composes himself in the bathroom, and channels that rage back into acting on his plan. It’s hard to say how guilty Drew feels over what he does to Robbie. As a father who has lost his child he knows the pain he’s inflicting on Blake, and is willing to put him through that regardless. But he also formulates his plan so that if Robbie dies he dies, meaning he would not have to live with the guilt.

We never find out how Drew got Robbie into that box underground. In the same way we never know exactly what Blake was doing at the hotel room. The only thing we know for certain is that Drew spoke to Robbie at some point. During his phone call to Blake, Robbie tells him: ‘He said you’d come get me. He said everything would be fine. He said you’d do the right thing.’ I’m sort of obsessed with this. I just think it’s such a choice, that this is the only thing we find out about what Drew did to Robbie. I fluctuate between interpretations of this but in general I think Drew is comforting Robbie - whether insincerely or genuinely is debatable. You could interpret this as Drew imitating Blake. Again I struggle to articulate this; that reassurance that everything will be fine whilst you’re twisting the knife - it’s twin with Blake and Ellie. If that’s the case then it feels almost spiteful, that Drew knows Blake isn’t coming. He’s almost indulging in replicating Blake’s cruelty. Or, you could understand Drew as genuinely comforting Robbie that his dad will save him - perhaps instead indulging in that precious aspect of Robbie I mentioned earlier. It all depends on how much faith you think Drew has in Blake to ‘do the right thing.’

Robbie’s phone call itself acts as a sort of imitation of Ellie’s audio recordings. Drew had to listen to Blake prey on his daughter, knowing she was already dead and he could do nothing about it. Now Blake has to listen to his son cry and suffocate, knowing he doesn’t know where he is to save him.

Drew also acts as a surrogate for Robbie. How Drew is treated by Blake directly influences Robbie’s fate. Drew dies, Robbie dies. Drew’s identity in the episode is one of my favourite things to rack my brain about. He is Robbie and Ellie.

I hope these were the kind of thoughts you were looking for! I have a few more thoughts about Drew and Robbie but they’re more like little fragments than real points. I'm always concerned that what I’m thinking doesn’t translate well to written words when it comes to this episode. Do let me know what you think!

[mintea273]

so I was thinking about the surprise songs for Tokyo and I came to Conclusions about how connected they are. I think they're teasing themes in TTPD and that's why Taylor didn't play them last year hehe

this is a slightly long post so please bear with me

and to clarify, this isn't me speculating about how she feels/felt in her personal life, this is me speculating about the kind of story TTPD will tell through Taylor's singing/writing (analysis below the break)

N1: Dear Reader and Holy Ground

"to a house, not a home, all alone cause nobody's there"

“no one sees when you lose when you’re playing solitaire”

“I guess we fell apart in the usual way, and our story’s got dust on every page.”

Isolation and longing/reminiscing

Dear Reader is non specific, Holy Ground is about missing a specific person

With the “friends found friends who care” in Dear Reader, we can assume the theme is being left behind and alone

N2: Eyes Open and Electric touch

"And nobody comes to save you now / But you’ve got something they don’t”

“Everybody’s waiting for you to break down”

“Got a history of stories ending sadly”

“(the ENTIRE second verse lol)”

“Fill this ghost town up with life”

Isolation and longing/looking forward

Eyes Open is isolation in a crowded room where everyone wants you to falter (contrast to Dear Reader and Solitaire lyric)

Electric Touch is longing for someone in the future and hoping it goes well (contrast to Holy Ground and reminiscing)

Finding someone/wanting to find someone who doesn’t root for your downfall

N3: Superman and The Outside

“Come back, I’ll be with you someday”

“Don’t forget, don’t forget about me”

“Wishing the call was from you”

“I’ll never let you go”

“I’ve been a lot of lonely places”

“I would give it all up to be / A part of this, a part of you”

“You could’ve helped”

Both are about being left behind and longing! (like the themes of the two songs are more clearly converging?)

Superman still has hope, The Outside is slowly losing it (or perhaps already has - I would argue this)

We now know what led to the isolation of night one - being left behind, but also being left out.

(It’s like with every song she gives us more context about how exactly she was "left alone.")

N4: Come In With The Rain and You’re On Your Own, Kid

"I'm too and tired at night to call your name/for all these games.”

“I don’t wanna have to go that far”

“I’ve got you down, I know you by heart / And you don’t even know where I start”

“You’re on your own, kid / Yeah, you can face this”

“I’ll run away”

“I gave my blood sweat and tears for this”

Left behind but knowing she deserves better and learning to do it on her own

In Come In With The Rain, she’s tired of waiting for this person to come back and care about her (but still hopes)

In You’re On Your Own, Kid, she can do it even from The Outside

It’s a hopeful note to end on. She’s not waiting for anyone to make her happy, she realises she deserves better and can do it by herself

It transforms it from being left behind to being the one who leaves

So I think we may be getting You're Losing Me very soon - a song about realising she's not valued as highly as she should be, but also about the sadness of it all. Alongside this, she may play We Were Happy or Bye Bye Baby, but I don't think she'll do Fearless and Midnights together so soon. Other songs she could do are happiness and closure. This is if she continues singing mostly songs she hasn't done before (with the exception of Holy Ground and You're On Your Own, Kid, I believe.)

I also think it's interesting that the songs across nights are related and almost lead into each other:

Dear Reader (N1) -> Eyes Open (N2)

Holy Ground (N1) -> Electric Touch (N2)

Superman (N3) -> Come In With The Rain (N4)

The Outside (N3) -> You're On Your Own, Kid (N4)

All I know is that TTPD is going to be a banger that is going to destroy me emotionally if I'm right about these themes hehe

[jenyifer]

Breaking Boston pt4

Pt1 Mew Pt2 Ray Pt3 Nick’s Love

im going to talk about episode 12 discussing all the ways they destroyed my favorite boy (so I can process heal) and how I’ll tell you guys how I’d fix things.

I have no idea why they did this. The skate date in general is actually Fucked on a second watch. The audience is supposed to believe Boston is too much for Nick. He’s just too much in general and Nick isn’t a good fit for him. That Boston won’t be there for him. That Boston would leave Nick and enjoy himself alone. Anyways after the cut I’m going to talk about the scene before the star gazing cause that has to be in its own bullshit post. You don’t want to know or care that’s okay skip this one

I want to talk about the date idea in general. Boston wanting to do something vintage is on brand but things were new to him too. He wanted to face a challenge with Nick by his side. Nick gives up almost immediately because? Nick was scared? My Nick? Scared? No. He’s brave he’s done crazy shit for Boston. Boston holding him while they try together. My Nick would have loved that… Boston wanting to do things for the first time with Nick? Symbolic don’t you think? Nick would have seen Boston’s date idea for what it was. A sweet attempt to give Nick what he wanted Boston’s firsts Boston’s insecurities.

Jenny’s fix: Boston won’t leave Nick. If Nick fell Boston would catch him and suggest they go slower. Or Boston would suggest he can take photos of Nick instead. Let Boston Show Nick How BEAUTIFUL he is. How much Boston wants to be next to Nick.

Boston’s confidence won Nick back? Is Nick Atom now? Atom was the one dazzled by Boston’s confidence. Nick could see past the confidence to who Boston really was. The reason Nick was on the same Level as Boston is that he could see under the surface. They clearly saw eachother. Episode 12 Nick loses the ability to see Boston IMMEDIATELY? how does this make sense everyone? I never wanted to bring up Atom again but did Nick catch the dumbass eyes from him when they kissed? Scary new STD acquired.

Also. Boston Babe. Nick came back to you because you genuinely promised him you’d take better care of him. Boston tried to prove to Nick he was sorry. Boston truly missed Nick and could finally see him because now they loved eachother on the same step. Did you see Boston being confident? No. I’ve done eye analysis on it here go go look at him. BOSTON WAS SCARED NICK WASNT GOING TO TAKE HIM BACK. Boston wasn’t confident he was not sure Nick should take him back.

Jenny’s fix: Boston telling Nick he’s so extremely cute. Nick joking with Boston about being there for his first time on rollerskates asking him if there is any other firsts Boston wants to try. Flirtations ensue.

[go-to-the-mirror]

I really wanted to draw for this episode, but my head's been kind of messed up lately, so I'm just gonna ramble I guess. I've been so excited for this episode :3

Firstly, this is one of my absolute favourite episodes ever, and I Will Not shut up about it, because it's so good! Literal suburban hellscape!! To be honest I relate a little more to the other themes in this episode, being quiet fear, no one knowing or caring that you died in some supernatural suburban hell, and your body is just rotting there. An irrelevant name, an irrelevant face, just another victim of this place. Spooky stuff! Not too afraid of suburbs themselves lol, though I doubt many are.

This episode is SO neat! :D Right, on with the ramble/analysis because I have GREAT words for this episode.

@a-mag-a-day

Content warnings for everything in this episode + some themes of domestic violence/abuse.

Before we go ahead with the episode, here are some highlights from text conversations.

WHEN YOU CANT TRUST COMFORT!! (MAG 162, MAG 170, MAG 181, MAG 186, MAG 187 (to an extent)) MAG 150 (I love Cul-de-Sac and will never shut up about it) MAG 188 but when Jon' talking about how The Lonely is familiar to Martin and how the suburbia domains have quiet suffering (Will never be over that actually i have So Many Feelings) MAG 32 I can make a little quote thig one second actually because I have Thoughts god i'd be so cool on tumblr but i'm too anxious to post there, this is a tragedy [...] "I was going to die. I knew that now, just as she had, just as anyone else who came here had. How many corpses lay waiting behind the placid façade of this endless false suburbia?" Screaming Every time I think about cul-de-sac it becomes even more my favourite statement

(Messages to Mapleejay, 22 December, 2022)

One day I am going to write a statement and it's going to be like eye, lonely, idk, but it's definitely going to be eye and lonely and it's going to be so horrifying because combination false comfort + THAT being desperate for help people watching and laughing and judging but passing by + that line from cul-de-sac I'm obsessed with [...] Being lonely isn't just about being alone physically Being alone in an uncaring crowd [...] No one knows or cares what you're dealing with The line from cul-de-sac is "Her face was bloody but I was sure I didn't recognize her. She had a bag with her, and her ID read "Yetunde Uthman," not a name I'd ever encountered before. Just another victim of this place" but also "How many corpses lay waiting behind the placid facade of this endless false suburbia?" And "I checked to see if I could find anything out about Yetunde Uthman, and I did find a few old social media profiles, but I wasn't able to get through to any family or friends. As far as I can tell she disappeared a year ago and nobody noticed."

(Messages to Mapleejay, 29 December, 2022)

Now, onto the actual reaction, posting it on tumblr dot com because I am no longer too anxious! Hell, I might even post the previously mentioned compilation of quotes with commentary! Fun times.

You’re all alone, trying to connect with people, trying to find your place in the world, but in the end the only person you really know is yourself, and even then, not all that well. There’s plenty of things I’ve done I couldn’t explain to you.

Shout out to that time my sister tried to convince me that she knew me better than I knew myself. Not in a malicious way, mind, we were kids, and she just figured that because she could remember more of my life, she knows me more.

Yeah, I mean, I guess it's for everyone I guess, but here I am with my impulsivity and memory issues having no idea why the hell I did so many of the stupid things I've done. You whole life is just justifying to yourself the decisions you've made, so maybe I'm just not grand at that /hj.

“What an idiot! How the hell could he have done such an obviously stupid thing? How was I surprised it went so badly? What a relief I’m now so much older and wiser.” Except that last part never really turns out to be true, does it? The line of when you were your dumb younger self seems to keep moving forward with you, until each more mature and reasonable version of you eventually falls foul of it and becomes a young idiot.

A year ago, I thought I had really worked on my anger and just become an all-round nicer person to be around, and then I look back and realize that yes, my anger was still very much there, and also that I was quite... passionate? I am still, I'm pretty loud, it comes with the territory, and that can be misinterpreted as or become anger, given the right (or wrong) circumstances.

It's not really worth it, is it. I can berate myself from 4 years ago for being an angry, clingy little prick, but there's not really a point anymore. I understand them, I understand why fae was angry and clingy and sort of mean, and now I know how to not be angry and clingy and mean, and being angry at your younger self really doesn't accomplish anything. This is @ jon sims, pull yourself together man.

The thing is, when we both found ourselves in positions to be working from home, we actually thought it was going to be really good for our relationship. The two of us, spending all our time together; we reckoned it was going to be real romantic. We were real stupid back then.

If I know anything from the statistics of domestic violence in the pandemic, then yeah no. No. Not that their relationship was abusive or anything.

Also, I like how Herman goes from saying how believing you're much older and wiser is a lie, to saying that they were really stupid "back then," there's something in that. I don't know what.

Hell, technically it’s not even a suburb. It’s just a village that looks so much like a suburb that you could pull it up drop it on the edge of any dull town in England and it would look the same.

Can't believe the suburban hellscape episode isn't even set in a suburb.

Just street after street of identical, blandly pleasant houses, all winding around each other in dead ends and cul-de-sacs and one-way streets, making sure every house has plenty of inoffensive garden. I’ve never seen people happily living in a place so obviously dead.

CAN I QUICKLY TALK ABOUT GRASS?

Grass, the short lawn grass, it's not great. It is bad for the environment actually. Suburbs slash neg.

Just that last bit of that paragraph. Real.

I’d say that cheating on him was a foolish act of past me, but honestly, it’s one of the few decisions I’ve ever made that I completely understand. I didn’t even try to hide it, not really, and when he found out and it all ended, I kind of hated myself for just how relieved I was that I’d finally be able to leave that place, to get in my car and drive away from that gentle suburban nightmare.

I like that phrase, "gentle suburban nightmare."

I got a cheap apartment in Liverpool and tried to tell myself I was happier. The single life, footloose and … sitting at home binging bad TV. I tried to get back into the club scene, but honestly, I think I’m just too old now. The music was too loud, the drinks were too expensive and the sort of thing I used to take to be dancing all night now hit me with a comedown so hard that I had to write off almost the entire week.

As mentioned above, I don't really think The One Alone is only about physical isolation. It can be, sure, but I feel like it's also about the failure to connect. There are so many people and none of them see you, and you don't see them, and there's an insurmountable difference between you and them.

It didn’t help that, over the course of a ten-year relationship, “my friends” had become “our friends” and there weren’t any of them siding with me in this situation. Some would drop platitudes about maybe reconnecting after the fallout was done with, but I know when I’m being handled by people who “don’t want to create any more drama.”

✨ loosing all of your friends at once ✨

Ah... good times, good times.

It's like, not only have you lost one person, then you lose everyone, and if you had anyone left you just sort of... assume you don't. It's so easy to cut yourself off, and when you've done it once you can do it again, and again, and again, and again.

I don’t know. I was younger, then. Foolish.

There is something there!

Then Jon does a litte laugh, assuming in statement character, so I'm guessing the statement giver was laughing at himself. Neat detail.

It was late when I got to what I thought was his street, driving through the one-way signs and well-maintained gardens that bordered that snaking road. The sun had disappeared, but the sky was still fairly light, that late-summer twilight that seems to just drag on forever.

Mate, I love the aesthetic of the fog and The Lonely, but that's not really what feels lonely to me. This feels lonely, slightly humid, sun shining into your eyes, slight breeze, no one around, flat and empty.

Yes, I know I'm just describing an Ontario summer.

There was no answer at any of them. There were no lights on behind the drawn curtains, and all the house numbers were zero.

It's so freaky! The growing dread, you know this could almost be an I Do Not Know You statement, what with the things playing at being normal houses, and the tv show shown later.

I wished I hadn’t thrown away the wristwatch Alberto had given me, but it was too late for those regrets.

I may be reaching, but could this be a microcosm of Herman's regret at having thrown away him and Alberto's relationship, and seeing it as too late to salvage it. Now he's left with no way to tell the time, as it were, in a manifestation of The Lonely.

At the start, I was counting how many houses I passed, but when I got to a hundred, I stopped. It was beginning to eat away at my careful rationalisations, and I couldn’t allow that.

I'm just highlighting it because I find it interesting how his mind works. Not in a bad way or even a good way. It just is.

I marched up to a nearby front door, prepared to kick in the flimsy-looking wood, but trying the handle revealed it was unlocked. I don’t know why I picked that house. It was exactly identical to all the others, and I’ve often wondered if there was anything that drew me to it. Perhaps I was just unlucky, or perhaps there only ever was one house.

I just really like this section. "Perhaps there only ever was one house," should be up there with "the blanket never did anything," as creepy lines. The theme of inevitability. This is going to happen, there is only one possible way this can end.

It feels tired, that's the lonely to me. Just being tired. You can cry all you want, you can be afraid but... at the end you're just tired and alone and it hasn't changed a thing. Inevitability in that way.

Or maybe, inevitability that you were always going to be alone. Maybe there's just something wrong with you.

Hhhh I love this episode so so so so so much.

The lights worked, which was a relief, and the inside looked exactly how I expected it to. And I mean, exactly how I expected it to: from the blank IKEA furniture, to the subtly-patterned cream wallpaper, to the picture frames lining the wall containing what were clearly stock photos, each of a different family pantomiming a scene of domestic bliss.

Firstly, the line "pantomiming a scene of domestic bliss" is just so... I love it so much. I love this episode so much. A family home, a happy family home from the outside looking in.

Secondly:

I did find several pictures of her and her new boyfriend though, which puts my mind somewhat at ease. Well, mostly. There’s something about him that doesn’t seem quite right. Something about the smile, maybe? I mean, they’re all pictures of Sasha and Tom, as I’m told his name is, having fun together, but… it’s hard to put into words exactly, but every one of them looks somehow like a stock photo.

(MAG 57 - Personal Space)

I could point to this and say that this is an example of it potentially being The Stranger, however I'm going to use it to point out something else.

You’re thinking too literally. Examining the physical categorisation, but ignoring the meaning of the thing. What are the bones? In the Distortion, your “Michael”, the structure of a skeleton, an established reality in your mind, is twisted and warped into an impossible form. But in other cases? Are they a symbol of slaughter and butchery? Are they the familiar made wrong? Or are they simply part of the messy, physicality of flesh?

(MAG 80 - The Librarian)

What matters is what it is, in this case the stock photos, what matters is what it means, what it makes the person looking at it feel. In Tom and Not!Sasha's case, it's representing how Not!Sasha is pantomiming as a real person, everything looks like a stock photo because she isn't actually a person going on dates with her boyfriend, she's pretending to be.

The stock photos in this episode are representing the pretense of this home where atrocities are committed being a normal family home. It's set up like a little suburban home, beige walls, sofa tv, family pictures, lovely place to raze a child - sorry raise a child - just so long as you ignore the blood dripping down from upstairs!

She was talking, or at least, it sounded like she was. The cadence and the sounds were so much like English that it took me almost a full minute to realise that she wasn’t actually saying words.

I recently relistened to episode 48 - Lost in the Crowd, and it's reminded me just how much I like the little bits of it focused on language. Easy to feel alienated when you don't know what people are saying.

The Lonely and The Stranger are pretty similar - one could say that they're part of the same thing and separating them with no room for nuance was a stupid thing fictionalized Robert Smirke - but yeah I mean, it's pretty easy to feel lonely in a crowd of people you don't know. The Lukas', the crowd, these people on the TV, they're all strangers, people you don't know who you feel scared of.

It's interpretation, really.

I hit the remote again. A shopping channel. The host was a tall, clean-shaven man with close-cropped hair. He was holding a brick and talking about it in that same flow of non-words, that still had a familiar salesman’s patter. The screen scrolled the message “buy now!”, though there was neither price nor contact details, as this man, who wouldn’t look at the camera, earnestly pretended to sell me a brick.

Firstly, Spamton G. Spamton is that you? Secondly, this is so freaky, I like it a lot. Just someone really trying to sell you a brick in complete gibberish, that's just so cool! Jonny just blew it out of the water with this one (it's my favourite non-metaplot episode).

I didn’t know them, as it turned out.

OOOOH JUST! HM! Just another person, dead upstairs, unknown even in death, not missed, alone even in death.

"I didn't know them."

She had a bag with her, and her ID read ‘Yetunde Uthman’ – not a name I’d ever encountered before. Just another victim of this place.

The line "just another victim of this place" is making me so unbelievably bouncing at the walls, tearing and ripping. Just another person, one of a million, just happened to be here, just another victim of this place.

I... don't know how to describe what I'm thinking when I hear that line. Just another victim of this place, just another poor unfortunate soul (in pain, in need) who somehow stumbled upon this suburban hellscape and died for it. Just another person with no one who would miss them, no one who'd notice they were gone. Just another lonely person, one of millions.

I am so abnormal about that line.

It looked as though she had forced her head through the mirror on the dressing table, the shards cutting her face and neck to ribbons, a particularly large piece piercing her jugular, spilling blood all down the unremarkable white table and onto the light brown carpet below. I don’t think she’d been dead that long, but I’m not a doctor and I didn’t really try to check.

I like how it's noted that their blood was spilled onto another piece of set dressing for this ordinary suburban household. "Spilling blood all down the unremarkable white table and onto the light brown carpet below." Noting the how the table is "unremarkable"... I just think that's neat, you know? How her blood has shattered the illusion of a normal home, a normal family posing in the picture frames.

How many corpses lay waiting behind the placid façade of this endless false suburbia?

Quiet terror. Private terror - you can't let anyone know. Put up a united front, and let things fall apart at home. Houses so put together in the front exactly like the others, but when you get inside there is the unmistakable sent of rot.

I need to write something with this, good lord.

Also, this reminds me of a line in 188.

ARCHIVIST But if you think there’s a lack of violence or suffering, then I’m afraid you’re mistaken. There’s plenty, it’s just… hidden. Trapped behind identical doors and down silent streets of unknown neighbours. The suffering here is deep. And it’s private.

(MAG 188 - Centre of Attention)

I say this as if I did not already think this already. I was not just reminded, I think about this podded cast quite a bit.

He was calling me; I don’t know how. But the tears came even faster now, as I answered, sobbing with relief to hear him yelling at me for taking so long. Had I forgotten? Was I even planning to bother? I tried to reply, to explain, but all I could manage to say, to get through the shaking sobs, was, “I love you.”

That's just a really beautiful moment, you think you're going to die and then you remember you love someone, and then someone comes to help you, because people love each other.

It's just... I really love that the way to beat The Lonely is love. Being loved, loving, not necessarily romantically, but human connection, love from person to person, in families, romantic partners, strangers, friends.

I think it's really great, I think this moment is really great, and I know Gerry says there are no entities of hope or love but I don't think we need them, 'cause we love enough on our own.

We’re working on it, the two of us. We’re not exactly back together yet, but I think it’s going well.

Yay! Fuck yeah! They're okay, or they're getting there, and you know what, great for them, great for them. Goddamn horror podcast with hope? And love? Hhhhh /pos.

As far as I can tell, she disappeared a year ago. And nobody noticed.

I've said this before in this, and I'll say it again. That really gets to me. Just being alone there, having no one even look for you, notice that you're gone, even care.

It's... horrible.

It’s not that easy though. When everyone has so many walls, so many defences, sometimes you can feel lonely even when you’re all in the same room. But it’s better than the alternative, and at least none of us are suffering alone.

That must be so awkward, like they all have so much baggage with each other, what do they do? Play scrabble? Jenga? They can't play cards 'cause Jon would accidentally cheat - or they'd accuse Jon of accidentally cheating - which sucks, because Sevens is fun. I learned Sevens from some guy in a pub in Ireland. It was fun.

MELANIE Jon, have you got a moment? ARCHIVIST Uh, course, I was just, um, having a statement. MELANIE Oh … A-an old one? ARCHIVIST Wha— Yes, an old one! I’m not— I’m doing my best. MELANIE Sure. ARCHIVIST What do you want?

My first reaction was "there was no reason for it to get so antagonistic in five seconds, Melanie" but then I reconsidered, and I understand why Melanie would say that, but why did she though? Like, what was the reason? He's in his office? The statement's right in front of him? Why? Like, fine, whatever, I get it, I can be nice and nuanced or whatever, but sometimes I don't want to and I want to get a bit miffed at Melanie for making it an angry conversation when it didn't have to be.

MELANIE Look, I’m not going to do my job anymore. ARCHIVIST I’m not sure I follow. You know we can’t quit. We’ve all tried. MELANIE I didn’t say I was going to quit. I said I’m not going to do my job: no researching, no filing, no field trips, nothing that is going to help the Institute in any way. I’ll still be around, I just … I can’t be a part of this anymore. If I get sick, I get sick, and if I die …

I get why they were still doing their jobs, out of the fear of getting sick or dying from it.

MELANIE Because this place is evil, Jon. And so, doing this job, helping it out, even in small ways, is in some ways evil tool. Every time we try to use it to do good, it just seems to make everything worse. And … And I will not be a part of that anymore. ARCHIVIST What about the Unknowing? W-we saved the world. MELANIE Did we? I-I mean, I think it was the right thing to do, but how many people were killed to do it? W-we weren’t even a neutral party. We did it as agents of The Eye, because Elias told us to.

Yeah! Yeah it is evil! Good on Melanie, honestly, for Jon it's... less of an option, but I'm glad Melanie's doing it. Also why is she nearly spot on-

MELANIE Martin put him there. A-and he’s still doing harm! You ever think that maybe this whole ritual business is just an excuse, and that we’re all just part of some huge, miserable fear machine?

So, what if I told you-

I mean, she's not wrong. She is not wrong.

Does this count as striking? Is she striking from her evil eye job?

MELANIE Right, right, okay. I know. That is why I ruined my first four sessions and almost torpedoed the chance at a genuinely really good therapist, because I was so paranoid that she was going to turn out to be some … some thing trying to manipulate me. But no. She’s not full of spiders, or made of wax, or wearing the therapist’s skin or whatever. She’s just a well-trained professional, who I am paying to help me.

Look hm I'm just, I'm cheerleading. Go Melanie! (woo) Idk what to say. Don't really care about this post statement.

MELANIE Look, I didn’t come here for a fight. I just wanted to let you know what was going on. If you need me, I’ll be trying to get Daisy drunk.

Hey, I mean. High stress situation, they're bound to be a bit snappy. And by them I do mean both of them, whatever, my blorbo isn't infallible or something.

I don't really care about the post statement.

In conclusion, I love this statement so much. I think it's really cool, I like the themes of quiet and private terror, and love saving people. Cul-de-Sac my absolute beloved, I started this at ~4pm, it is now ~8:30pm.