#cant remember if i mentioned this before but when i was standing outside the stage door i saw both spike lee and adam driver leave backstage

[carcarrot]

scrolling back through my liveblogging of the day of the nyc concert because of recent notifications and its such a fun mixed bag of emotions to relive it all again

[storysofmyown]

Seven stages of Love Chapter 2: Philia

Summary: Ever since the Celestial War, since they all fell, Asmodeus has  dedicated himself to his sin. Not caring about anything else, but  drowning himself in the pleasure and ecstasy of it all. But not anymore,  now he cant even handle the idea of it. But, what else is there to  want? After so long of having indulged in his sin, what is there than  Asmodeus is looking for, something that will fill him, and that wont  drive him to destruction? Perhaps his brothers can help him with that. Warnings will appear in each chapter.

Trigger Warning: Momentary anger, sadness. Let me know if I overlooked anything.

Word Count: 2683

Read on Ao3

Pondering, wondering, with a strain in the heart that no other but himself could lift. Yet, he didn’t have the means to lift it. The feeling overwhelmed him to the point where he hadn’t left the house at all during an entire week. To him it was simply unthinkable to have to submit himself to the stares and the actions of the people that noticed him. To think that all this time he thought he needed nothing more. Nothing more but those meaningless kisses that brought satisfaction.

Now the simple thought of a stranger’s hand to even as much as caress his cheek without any feeling made him feel sick to his stomach. He wanted to be cared for. But…it had to be a very specific kind of care. One so specific he didn’t know what it was but knew he wouldn’t find it any time soon. But…what even was it that he wanted? He knew what it was called, Belphegor had enlightened that much…but he didn’t know what it was. Was there a certain definition? Was there even something that would define the exact way he was feeling, with the exact solution he needed? Perhaps, something that could define all the aspects of that craving? He didn’t know, he didn’t even know what he was looking for. So, who better to ask than Satan?

He had hundreds upon hundreds of books. Surely, he must have something that defined that intense feeling. One that gave Asmodeus some sort of clarity. That defined it beyond a feeling. Beyond a lifestyle that many searched for in their lives but can never seem to reach entirely or are satisfied with. Surely, he must have something, right? Asmodeus thought for a moment as he walked outside of his room for the very first time in a while. One of his brothers had been checking up on him from time to time. But thanks to Belphegor they didn’t stay nor bother him much. He needed time to think. And he was thankful to them for caring in any way…but right now he needed some type of answer. Or something to point him in the right direction…just anything would be helpful.

He was on his way to Satan’s room. He was determined to knock, get some books, and start some kind of research…but sometimes things don’t go the way one wishes they did. Sometimes…something makes the path that one was entrusted on, divert for just a mere second…and that’s when everything in the future changes. For just that simple misstep, for just that look in another direction and the entire path that once laid in front of one is changed, unrecognizable. It might be easier; it might be far more difficult. Perhaps it was because his mind was far quieter than it had ever been, while simultaneously making so much noise it drove him insane during the nighttime, or maybe it was the way his expression had become blank and no longer was focused in maintaining that fake smile that had become permanent on his lips. Maybe it was all of them, none, a beat, a noise, a breeze…but his path changed. And with it, his quest in search of a definition, that would set his heart at peace.

Was he stalling? Was that why he was standing in front of Leviathans door, hearing the muffled sound of his older brother laugh? If he remembered correctly, there was a new game Leviathan was looking forward this week. He remembered the older demon having mentioned it a while back. He could hear the faint sound of music through the door, it was mostly muffled, and Leviathan cheers as he won made it harder to hear. He sighed once. Starring at the door before shaking his head. He should really just focus, he needed to go to Satan’s room. Besides it’s not like Leviathan would even give him the time of the day when he was consumed by one of his games or something like that.

So, he turned around, taking a deep breath for a moment as he took a step. But…as he already knew, things don’t go as they are planned at all. A plan that was set thousands of years ago when his aching body first arrived at the Devildom. A promise to enjoy himself to the last bit. A promise he had broken the moment those doubts came to mind. After all, if he had just fallowed his promise, he wouldn’t be here, in that very moment, with those particular thoughts that made his breath caught in his throat at Leviathan’s words. A certain shout caught his attention. Leviathan had won on his game, and this prompted him to shout, to celebrate, to leap in joy and exclaim to the world some words, a specific word. Words that Asmodeus could only dream of using that lightly someday.

“YES!!!  We did it! Good work, I knew we could!!" A giggle, and then a storm. "Henry, I **** you!!”

…he had to be joking, right? He couldn’t have heard that right. He must be in a state of dream or something. Leviathan…he…he wouldn’t just throw that word around like that, and to his damn fish of all things?!

“S-seriously?!” He spoke, before knocking the door, perhaps a little too sudden and harsh since he heard Leviathan gasp, a certain ache in his knuckles that he was barely aware of.

“Sorry Lucifer, I’ll try to make less noise!” He spoke, causing Asmodeus to roll his eyes.

“I’m not Lucifer.” He simply said, a pout on his lips as he crossed his arms and waited for Leviathan to open the door.

“A-Asmodeus?!” Leviathan’s voice came out shocked, he could hear struggle as Leviathan moved inside the room, something falling and him screeching before groaning, only to open the door and look at his younger brother, a small pout on his lips. “W-wha- I mean, w-when, I just…huh?” Levi was at a loss of words as he starred down at his brother, only for Asmodeus to roll his eyes a little and go inside the room. Not caring about Leviathan’s protest on how he had not said the secret password.

He entered the room. The blues and darkness within it, meant to reflect the ocean waves and the water element which his brother controlled along with all sea creatures…only reminded him of his room for a second. It was mostly the darkness. Since that night where Belphegor comforted him, Asmodeus refused to go out, his windows permanently sealed, and the lights turned off as he refused to acknowledge himself in the mirror by the pure fear he might despise what was staring back at him. By the fear that he might look and only find the lust he had started to loath so deeply.

His eyes flew to the screen that was on, the word “Victory” could be read, a controller left on the floor as Leviathan watched him with a slight embarrassed blush on the doorway. For some reason his eyes kept scanning the room. This was possibly the thousandth time he had entered to his brothers’ room and yet, this was the first time he felt like he was in the room, and not in his own head. It was a weird sensation. Entering a place so many times, but never actually seeing it. Recognizing it, or even as simply as placing his attention in anything that was not himself. It was Leviathan’s room, and if someone asked him to identify Levi’s room and showed him pictures, he could probably tell them it was this one. But if someone asked him, to number at least 3 things of his brothers’ room he would draw a blank and just point out that he only had one mirror in his bathroom, and that occasionally he could see his reflection on the big crystal wall from the fish tank. But besides that, he…he didn’t know anything else inside the room. This included himself, and his brother.

His eyes flew to Henry, as he walked over to the small fishbowl Leviathan put him in sometimes so he was beside him when playing. He kneeled in front of it as he starred at the fish. An eyebrow raised as he replayed the words he had just heard Leviathan exclaim on passing. Such a word…were…were they supposed to mean so much? Asmodeus had just started to think about them, he had yet even to find any meaning to, yet his brother was throwing it like that to his fish? He seriously couldn’t understand it, at all. He glanced over at Leviathan who was playing with his fingers while looking a little nervous at Asmodeus intrusion on what was his room, but there was something else. It seemed like he wanted to ask something, so, for that same reason Asmo decided to stay silent for a couple more seconds and see if his brother spoke. Thankfully, he did.

“…Asmodeus” He started, and by his tone the younger demon immediately regretted having let him talk. “…are you okay? I-I mean! Y-you are always partying and in clubs and talking with s-so many people…yet we didn’t see much of you t-this week…”

That…that was something hard to answer. Was there a reason for him not to be okay? Was there a reason for him to be okay? There were doubts in his mind, questions in his heart, needs that he had not been aware of until recently. But most of all…there was…there was a void that he didn’t understand. A void he had just become aware that existed within him. Asmodeus pressed his lips together, wondering for a moment. The silence filling Leviathan with anxiety as he looked down, taking deep breaths while awaiting for an answer.

“I…” he started; eyes focused on the small fish, “…heard you say something on my way here.” Was he avoiding the question? Or was this the answer in his own way? “I was surprised that the same words Belphie muttered to comfort me you would yell them at Henry.”

“Words? What are you talking about?” He wasn’t trying to act dumb; hell knew that was Mammon’s job, but he was certainly confused. Having his brother barge into his room like this, no explanation, and suddenly ask him things like this when he had been acting off the entire week…Leviathan was worried. They were all worried.

Asmodeus thought for a moment. Why was he even here? Between the two, it was entirely possible for him to know more about those words than someone who barely left the room to get food and left the house for 3 seconds every month. The idea that Leviathan, someone that was constantly so locked away from everything and anyone, would know more about that subject even though Asmodeus had put himself out in the world time and time again…it was almost insulting.

No.

No it wasn’t insulting. It just hurt to know that the loneliness he had believed to be new, turned out to be so old that he wondered if it had always been part of him. It just to think that everything he once thought he knew of himself, had started to crumble slowly.

“Levi…h-how can you say them to an animal?” His voice was soft and low, he was sure he had spoken, but the memories of the words leaving his lips was not present. For a moment, he caught his own reflection starring at him instead of his eyes focusing on the small goldfish. And in those eyes, he saw how powerful his sadness and desperation had become…his eyes damping in tears as he looked away, refusing to let anyone see that.

Leviathan eyes went wide at his younger brothers’ words. From all the things he expected him to say, that wasn’t it. Was that…what he said before Asmodeus entered the room, was that why his brother had barged in like that? He starred at him for what felt like ages, before clearing his throat a little and taking a step close to Asmodeus. Trying to wrap his head around what was happening. Normally he would ask what he meant and why he was asking something like that, but the way Asmo looked in that moment it was like he was begging for an answer and just that. An answer, something that gave him an idea of what it all meant and what he would make out of it. Leviathan sighed, closing the door behind him before sitting down on the floor, his back to Asmo as he knew he would not be able to answer the question if he was looking at him.

“H-Henry isn’t an animal, you know?” He started, taking the controller in his hands so that it gave him something to be distracted and consumed, something to help ignore the nerves he was feeling for some reason. “H-He is there for me even when no one else is, he celebrates with me when I win. And in some way listens to me whenever I'm rambling or even feeling down... I-I know I’m an anti-social otaku that no one cares about and that barely gets out of his room, but…Henry is here with me. Henry isn’t an animal or a pet.” He paused, thinking over his words, a small smile creeping to his lips as he chuckled a bit. This all probably sounded so dumb to someone like Asmodeus but to him it was his truth. “…Henry is my friend. W-which is why...which is why I **** him...”

Levi looked at his brother, a genuine smile as his hands gripped the controller a little lighter now. Expecting to hear him laugh and talk about how ridiculous he was, thinking such a thing. But nothing came from Asmodeus side for a long minute. Instead, there was only silent as he thought about it. Trough the fish tank reflection Asmo looked past himself, something he wouldn’t even consider to do before, but now, his eyes were focused on Levi's reflection, who was looking at him. But he couldn’t find the words to answer him at all. Levi cared for Henry…because Henry was his friend. No matter how he looked at it, it was something so simple to understand, yet Asmodeus couldn’t properly comprehend what it all meant.

“…friend, huh?” He finally spoke, now looking at the small fish that seemed to be completely uninterested in Asmodeus presence. “…you can feel that way towards your friends?” He didn’t know if he was answering Leviathan or if he was talking to himself. All he knew is that he felt a pang of loneliness when the realization settled as his eyes feel to the floor, shoulders visibly slumping.

He didn’t have anyone like that. Sure, he had people that admired and envied him, that wanted to talk and have a connection with him but, nothing was genuine. Nothing would be as sweet and sincere, as the care Leviathan felt for Henry because…because Henry was his friend. Asmodeus chuckled. Perhaps at the irony of the situation or maybe at his revelation, either way, he finally turned to Leviathan, a smile that his brother had never seen pestered in the face of the younger demon as he slowly got up. Walking to his older brother and planting a kiss on Leviathan’s forehead. Only to walk over to the door and opening it. Leviathan wanted to protest, to ask him why had wanted to know about that, or to just try and comfort his brother, but before he could say anything, Asmodeus spoke.

“…thank you, Levi. For telling me.”

It was the quietest he had ever heard his brother being. And yet, there was such a plead in his voice, asking to be left alone, asking to be given the time and space to think. Leviathan didn’t know what was the best option here, but who was here to deny his brother the comfort that came with being alone, to someone that needed it so much?

Philia: Deep, authentic bond. Pure and kind. From which friendships are born.

****

Hi~

Here is the second part of this fanfic! Overall, I really enjoyed writing Levi in this chapter, and I really hope you all had liked it as well! Next chapter will be up next Saturday as well, until then!!

Previous Chapter

Next chapter

Other works

[crimsonandcloverwrites]

bhah ch3 reread u know the drill

what is Jamie doing with all this oil I am concerned

god the tension of knowing Jamie is there but not talking to her but Dani probably secretly hoping she will

aww is she picking up more wonder woman comics for mikey?? cute

gah I love that they slip back into playful banter so easily despite everything going on

also 10/10 that the gays in town would be trying on the tackiest sunglasses in the service station (and 12/10 that Jamie actually brought them)

Dani Carson car adventures!! i would read a whole 20k word chapter just on that

sdfkjdshjfhd Dani throwing herself to the ground when she sees Jamie in the supermarket I’m losing it

“Yeah and then she left” ouch

THREE GAYS IN A SUPERMARKET WHAT WILL HAPPEN

aww Jamie Carson reunion tooooo cute

oh my god the tension of them standing back to back trying not to touch lmao

Jamie rly is the teeniest in town huh

Dani getting all protective and mad over Mikey having to sit outside school is v sweet

Jamie to the rescue how cute

Jamie’s collarbone: hello. Dani’s gay panic: LOOK AWAY

also sdkjfhdkjhg Jamie working w her hands is so hot we need more fics just talking about her getting dirty. for the good of the nation

there is so much going on here the cute teasing Dani feeling all weird abt their whole dynamic jamie giving her looks the engagement ring I am not equipped to process all of it

“you think there are secrets in this town?” just ur burning love for each other ladies!

once again mechanic!jamie... i am compromised

aww Dani bby literally does not know what to do with herself. the juxtaposition of the depth of their relationship and the little moments of familiarity with the awkwardness of people who don’t really know each other properly anymore is so fucking well done here

Eddie’s “honey I’m home” moment carrying her over the threshold afkjhsdkjf good for him

Dani and this house got beef huh

Dani: sometimes things with Eddie just don’t feel right but I’m sure that’s fine. Dani when she loses a tiny piece of her relationship w Jamie: level 5 meltdown. Literally the theme of this fic is “honey you got a big storm comin” and I love it

this dig at pineapple on pizza........ offensive

“Instead, she reset her mask, pulled the rope to part the stage curtains, and tied the other end around her neck.” Jesus.

“the other part of Dani, the part that never knew how to stop missing Jamie” i will cryyyy

starting a gofundme for Dani’s car asap

Eddie putting the moves on I can’t look. but lmao when he finds a girl that’s actually into him and wants this kind of attention his whole world is gonne be rocked

can we get Dani some therapy pls this is not how u should feel abt the person ur gonna marry. or about yourself

*gasp* the wontons mixtape

hmmmm I’m Not in Love and A Case Of You really are a one-two punch huh

lol I just went to play them and I was apparently in the middle of listening to Stop Making This Hurt by The Bleachers which feels... apt

fuck. making a mixtape for someone truly is peak romance huh? music my beloved

hmmm i just realised that this timeline parallels the flashback chapters w a new Taylor in school in each how cool. and also Nan vs Jamie taking on responsibilities w these kids and stepping up for them in their own way pls my emotions

aahh the coffee date I kinda forgot how fast Dani made this relationship rekindle bless her

wait clara and horace does that mean abigail is in Dani’s class too??? she lives??

a reserved sign pls that’s so cute

OWEN! god I love the levity and banter w Jamie he brings to fics

there is just so much fondness between them it always shines through no matter what they’re talking about I love it

this backpacking chat... envisioning Dani n Jamie once Mikey is grown up going on a big tour of europe together n fufilling Dani’s dreams

the fact that Jamie was drawn back to this place... by what hmmmm ms taylor. by what

oof this really is a painful rehashing of the past huh.

“star hike” lmao

"I can fix it." "You can't." OUCH

ooft just rip the bandaid right off. “I missed you. Everyday.” god my heart

arguing in an alley behind the pharmacy that’s gay rights

"Because if it was going to end, then I wanted it over quickly!” jamie ‘everyone always leaves so I cut them off before they can hurt me‘ taylor everyone. I am not doing well

ok with the context of like... everything from the future chapters this scene hits even harder than the first time i read it jesus

still can’t get over Dani ‘trying not to recall the memories of the last time they were in this room together’ was Jamie absolutely falling to pieces in her arms *screams forever* i remember reading that line and imagning so many things it could have been and yet yall went for the ultimate stab to the heart bravo

god I’m just thinking about how much they’ve both changed in those 10 years and how much they’ve stayed the same and just. god the way they’re so drawn to each other still!!!! i can’t even comprehend

blue schrunchie cherished friend

i feel like there is a significance to the red door I cant place and all my brain will provide is “you, me, her” but polyamory adventures is probably not the direction this is going

Jamie like “want a tour of ur future home babe? lets go” (I do love how enchanted Dani is by all of it though)

gah I love Jamie and Mikey together soooo much

find u a person that eats all the foods u don’t like. pickle soulmates

heh “Miss Dani” poor Mikey is goin through it lolol

they are all so cute together i love this lil sunday afternoon family

“Dani kept her gaze fixed on Jamie for just a second longer, studying her profile” gay

there has been several mentions of Jamie’s unreadable/blank expressions this chapter and I can’t stop laughing at her losing her mind over how much she loves Dani and trying to keep it in check every time

THEY’RE FRIENDS AGAIN

AND THEY’RE HUGGING OH HAPPY DAYS

oooh the sandalwood cologne

idk why this Jamie Eddie handshake is making me laugh so much but I love them

Eddie pulling Dani in closer to himself when Jamie’s there..... he knows 

staying awake until 2am to finish rereading gay fanfiction... clownery (but fun!) goodnight

[amphii-writes]

Random Haikyuu Head Canons I Have

these are all taken from my discord server cause i remember to write them there, if you want to request fanfics, my requests are W I D E open! there is also nO order! these are just all the headcanons i could find tbh

warnings: mentions of blood, and just overall wild times, swearing

Asahi loves knitting sweaters because his shoulders are broad and he also loves seeing the reactions from his teammates when they get a sweater from him! He says he buys them but he doesn’t

Aone likes knitting socks because he has big feet and he loves fluffy knee high socks but his team will never know

Asahi and Aone regularly hang out and knit together! (after asahi wasnt scared of him anyways)

Nishinoya gives you shiny rocks he finds because “your eyes shine like them!”

Yamaguchi likes to have your head rest on his chest while cuddling!

Aone likes to bake

Aone dressed like a polar bear because koganegawa told him to- halloween was amazing

daICHI HAS A KISS THE COOK APRON

Daichi secretly can make some kick ass steak and is amazing at grilling sorry

Okay but real talk, Kenma and Yaku swear like sailors and it scares everyone because they always whisper the most foul, insulting things under their breath. Hearing it is like seeing a cryptid

Speaking of cryptids, Fukunaga and Shibayama are THE most true crime, mythology, and mystery obsessed fanatics on the team and often fanboy about it together 

Fukunaga’s obsession with moth man has gotten to an unhealthy stage

Kenma absolutely had a vampire phase and has read twilight. Only Kuroo knows and has sworn to secrecy via blood pact

Kuroo’s a musical nerd. Knows all of the lyrics to Hamilton, BMC, DEH, Heathers, Rent, Beetlejuice, Etc. Kenma considered dropping him because of it

Iwaizumi tells the worst dad jokes and Kyotani, wanting to beat him, started doing it too and it drives everyone insane

Yahaba and Matsukawa get along surprisingly well. Both are true crime freaks and bond over their forensic files obsessions

Matsukawa didn’t really like his thick eyebrows so he got one of his female friends to pluck it for him, but almost cried and gave up after the first hair. Oikawa called him a pussy for the next year

Hanamaki jokingly flirts with everyone on the team so most of them just got used to it, but it still confuses Kindaichi to the point of mental breakdown

Makki called Kyotani ‘puppy’ as a joke once and now mad dog is truly terrified of him

Kyotani’s dog absolutely ADORES Oikawa and it’s the funniest shit to the rest of the team

Mattsun and Makki play DnD and once convinced Yahaba and Kyotani to join. Kyotani kept rolling to fight everyone and Yahaba was a bard that kept rolling to seduce everyone. They kept yelling across the board so they had to kick them out

Outside of his school uniform, Goshiki specifically wears only plaid

Tendou makes little chocolates for the whole team every once in a while so they don’t think he’s scary

Semi and Shirabu once had a fistfight in an abandoned McDonald’s parking lot while Tendou filmed and Goshiki cheered them on

Everybody makes fun of Shirabu’s haircut but nobody dares to say it to his face. its gotten to the point where they say he got it done by a blind old lady

There’s a running joke about Shirabu also getting his haircut from prison but Goshiki is starting to suspect that it may not be a joke

Yamagata and Tendou are good friends with the mutual goal of collecting as much blackmail on their team as possible

Tendou loves animals generally considered to be ‘ugly’ like rats, crows, reptiles, etc.

80% of Goshiki’s playlist is shit overplayed on the radio. Him, Shirabu, Tendou, Kawanishi and Ushijima have a permanent ban from the aux cord

Nobody watches YouTube with Ushijima because he never skips the damn ads (other than tendou)

Suna once said y’all’dn’t’ve unironically and made a first year cry

Akagi once said UwU unironically and had an identity crisis.

Osamu has one of those rainbow gaming keyboards and is constantly on a discord call. Atsumu always yells weird shit in the background to embarrass him and once pretended to be him

During Seijoh group chat arguments. Hanamaki and Mattsukawa like to drop facebook minion memes in just to piss everyone off even more

mattsun and maki both have separate photo albums in their phones labelled ‘minion memes to piss everyone off’

Hinata carries a pocket knife and no one has no fucking idea why

mattsun and maki both have matching rat fursuits that look like they actually where in a sewer- they chased oikawa around

For all his talk of plant analogies and metaphors, Ushijima cant grow shit

Goshiki’s Bangs are the way they are because his favorite character was Rock Lee from Naruto

Oikawa has watched Ouran High School Host Club front to back so many times and he can quote all of Tamaki’s lines by heart -He keeps bothering Iwaizumi to “be his Haruhi, since you’re shorter than me”

Koganegawa has definitely gone as an Angry Bird for Halloween

Fukunaga has those reflective cat eyes, and he has terrified Yamamoto on several occasion

Hanamaki and Matsukawa have a teddy bear that they pretend is their child and they share custody

Suga always sprays whipped cream straight into his mouth whenever he sees a can

Nishinoya definitely bit people as a kid

Nishinoya would be the guy to wear shorts all year round and even if it's snowing, he'll insist he's not cold

Tendou is still stuck in his emo phase and would fangirl over Creepypasta with me and I appreciate that (me too buddy, me fuckin too)

Kyoutani LOOKS like he’d listen to viking death metal, but in reality he listens to Mother Mother and knows all the words to Ghosting

Sugawara would definitely encourage me to dumb shit and not stop me, and you’re all dumb for thinking he wouldn’t 

KENMA IS NOT ‘uwu owo’ SHY, HE IS ‘your fucking gross’ SHY SO LITERALLY STFU

Bokuto listens to Nicki Manaj. And knows all the words. To every. Single. Song.

Ushijima for some reason knows an odd amount of 90′s-2000′s R&B and he will hum along to the songs if they come on the radio (he also loves Dolly Parton) ((he says he relates to her music))

Bokuto once ate instant ramen for an entire month

TERUSHIMA DID TRY TO FUCK A PLANT WHILE SHITFACED AND GOD I STAND BY WHAT I SAID

atsumu let’s you put makeup on him and pretends to eat the brushes (do yk what im talking about- like n o m)

tendou ran for school president as a joke but actually won

i 100% believe that all of karasuno’s third years apologize when they bump into inanimate objects, but when suga is really tired or stressed out, he’ll yell at them instead.

Tanaka, Nishinoya, and Taketora have a group chat called "Bros who want sum hoes" and they send each other hypebeast memes and shit

Sugawara knows how to do a bunch of flexible shit because he sometimes goes to yoga with daichi and asahi's moms, its fucking hilarious

tanaka and noya both breakdance- they work as a team and sometimes go to tokyo for underground competitions- saeko drives them

Daichi knows a little ballet- nobody other than Kiyoko knows because they saw each other at the ballet class and had to work together- dont tell tanaka and noya that he lifted her though

Osamu once put glitter on Atsumu's pillow- he still finds hot pink glitter on shit

kita knits and crochets with his grandma

Kita's grandma knows everyone's names because kita talks shit bout them, her favorite is Aran

Kuroo has burnt his eyebrows off doing an experiment. His goggles didn't cover all his brows,,, so he just showed up to practice like that. No eyebrows and a chemical burn

kenma has played all kinds of games, but he was dared to play corpse party by kuroo. He wasn't scared because of the gore, he was thinking about the trauma the characters went through. Punched kuroo the next day because that game was fucked up

Lev isn't a strong swimmer, so he often grabs people by the head to keep himself up. happened with kenma and lev couldn't walk due to the force of kenmas suprised water kicks

akaashi has those fancy pens that you have to dip in ink and they're so nice

Bokuto has and will eat pencil erasers again

Daichi once almost lost his shit at his team but instead he lost his shit at the door that decided to stub his toe on the way out of the gym. not the best thing to be found yelling to.

Yamaguchi for sure has been dragged to one of terushimas parties because he didnt wanna say no. oh and terushima has like frat boy level parties too. Yams has for sure had some wild nights and doubts anyone other than Tsukishima and the party-goers will ever know

Akaashi can actually flirt very well! He reads romance novels sometimes and has analyzed any and every book in his possession! so he's actually quite charming

Daihsou unironically posted on twitter after mika broke up with him "I still see her shadows in my room"

Mattsun and Maki run a fake oikawa account; its been going ever since twitter even started getting popular and they even started sending messages in spanish. The posts would range from "I love all my fans!" to flirting with them :) Oikawa is pissed cause the account got verified before he did and most of his fans also follow the fake oikawa. Tooru has no idea who runs it JUST IMAGINE OIKAWA JUST LIKE RANTING TO THE SEIJOH 3RD YEAR ALUMNI AND JUST "no Iwa-chan, you dont understand! they run a fake account and pretend to be me!" while makki and mattsun laugh their asses off

Oh, kenma for sure has pretended to be a girl on discord and has gotten someone to buy him stuff. after they do he says in his normal voice "fucking simp" and then hangs up and blocks the other persons discord

Yamamoto, despite his rough appearance, loves kids and has and will be a human jungle gym

suna in middle school had a game with his friends about who could make kids cry the fastest

The twins switched places back in middle school and nobody could tell because of how great they are at acting like eachother

Daichi once arrested coach ukai for public intoxication after a game :|

Daichi has arrested many people from his old volleyball team but the most memorable case was when he arrested tanaka and noya for reckless driving. poor idiots got so scared when they saw their old captains face in their mirror and started to pray

tanaka, while trying to intimidate someone, once said "You dont gotta tell me twice, i may be straight but these hands are bisexual" and he often cringes at night thinking about it

Kageyama, as a comeback to Tsukishima, said "one thing about us royalty is that we love to feast" and he also fuckin hates what he said

the third years made a cult for Kiyoko. they chant every wednesday "i'll do anything for kiyoko, she makes me go loco"

oikawas fangirls are known to be fucking rabid

yAMAMOTO AND KENMA AFTER THEIR FIGHT WERE FORCED BY KUROO TO MAKE IT UP: so they dyed their hair together

Makki and mattsun sang two trucks in front of the entire team. everyone was so confused. Makki: "twO TRUCKS HAVIN SEX!!" Mattsun: "oH yEs!"THEY'D SWITCH OFF AND HAVE LIKE CHOREOGRAPHY TOO LIKE THEY'D DO A TANGO WHILE THE SONG IS LIKE "two beer trucks, making love"

tendou once called Oikawa "mr. no-nationals" and got kicked in the shins before iwaizumi could save him

Tsukishima had a my little pony phase

you work with matsukawa at a morgue and he makes dead people jokes while you fix some dead guys face with wax and makeup he'd be like "so didnt he like,,, stick his head out of the sunroof of a moving fuckin car??" he'd be singing dumb ways to die the entire day

i feel like Kuroo has one crazy accident a year. like it might not be deadly but its fucking crazy like for example: Kuroo for sure has ridden in a shopping cart at past midnight with kenma (who pushed him down a hill) causing Kuroo to get scratched up hella well. he lied and said he spent the night with a girl and kenma fucking hated himself cause he would be the girl if that was true

Mattsun has flirted with the 4th years moms before (AS A JOKE), and because of this: he is known as “fuckin milf hunter” sometimes by the team

Warning, this next headcanon is talking about cannabis, weed, mary jane, the zoink root. so if your uncomfortable, please dont read below :)

dude i wanna get high as SHIT with Asahi 

i think Asahi would be one of those mfkers who takes one hit and is gone 

ASAHI ACCIDENTALLY GOING TO PRACTICE ZOINKED 

IMAGINE HIM SEEING TSUKISHIMA AND JUST "he looks so judgemental,,, im scared" 

OR LIKE A MAD DAICHI AND JUST "i'm gonna,,, im gonna go jump out the window now" 

Noya and Tanaka would know tho, i feel like they'd have a 6th sense when it comes to weed. they probably get some from Saeko cause she'd rather they do it in the house. they'd smell asahi like fucking dogs and just so,,, big guy had fun without us huh? 

DAICHI WOULD KNOW ABOUT ASAHI BEING ZOINKED, SMASH HIS FACE INTO THE WALL, TURN AROUND WITH A RED MARK ON HIS FOREHEAD AND WITH A BEAMING SMILE AND FEUX ENTHUSIASM SAY: "YOSH, LETS WARM UP!"

[illfoandillfie]

5 Simple Rules For A Successful Fake Relationship: Drive Me Crazy

5 SIMPLE RULES MASTERLIST

Pairing: Ben Hardy x Reader

Summery: The aftermath of your night together. The premiere of The Perfect Match. Will Ben ever let you tell him how you feel?

Warnings: Angst city but it’s worth it, drinking, swearing, idiots who won’t communicate, the usual.

Words: 8392

A/N: So here we are. The end. Kind of. I've still got an epilogue planned and a chapter of moments from Ben's POV but this is the last of the main chapters. I've had an absolute blast writing this story and I am so proud of it and so happy to have gotten this far in it. I hope you enjoy it.

Taglist:  @laedymoon​​  @dtfrogertaylor​​  @vee-ndetta​​ @atomic-watermelon​​ @kellypenac​​ @labessieisallama​​ @deakyclicks​​ @jennyggggrrr​​ @drowseoftaylor​​  @hannafuckingsucks​​  @i-cant-hangout-im-drumming​​ @queenmylovely​​ @supersonicfreddie​​ @tenement-funstah @taron-egrotten​​​ @johndeaconshands​ @borhapbois​

@coni-martina​​ @hardforbenhardy​​ @cubedtriangle​​ @vicouscirce​​ @arianabrashierstuff​​ @pattieboydwannabe​​ @maggieroseevans​​ @theprettyandthereckless​​

It took you a couple of minutes after you woke up to remember why you weren’t in your bed but as soon as the memory of the previous night hit you, you felt wide awake. A soft knock on the door made you sit up, head flicking towards the noise as the knob turned and the door creaked open a crack. “Oh. You’re up,” Ben said, obviously displeased, closing the door behind him with his foot, his hands both occupied. He must have had the same thought you did, of him kicking the door shut and pushing you up against it, because his cheeks were flushed as he handed you a cup of coffee and a plate of toast, “I wasn’t expecting you to be awake yet but mum insisted I bring you breakfast.” “Thanks,” you smiled despite his cold greeting. “Right, well.” “Hey, do you want to talk about what happened? We didn’t really get a chance last night but ther-” “No. Not here, not now. I’ll be in the kitchen, take your time.” He was gone before you could stop him. You sighed and looked down at the toast, knowing full well you weren’t going to eat it. Even if breakfast had been your most regular meal you were sure you’d be sick if you ate anything. The sip of coffee you had made you feel nauseous enough. How were you meant to tell Ben you loved him if he couldn’t even stand to be in the same room as you? You dumped the unwanted breakfast on the bedside table and got up to start packing. It was easy enough, you didn’t really have that much to find, though your bra had been kicked under the bed in the previous night’s excitement. And the condom wrapper that crunched under your foot, so hastily discarded, sent another pang through you. While you dressed you went over what you wanted to say to Ben. Perhaps he’d soften once you were further away from his family and the scene of the crime. Perhaps the drive would give you time to discuss what you both wanted. With a deep breath you hoped would calm your worries, you picked up the uneaten breakfast and headed for the kitchen. It was empty. You tipped the warm coffee down the sink and put the toast in the compost bin on the bench before poking your head back into the hallway to try to find Ben or anyone else.

A noise from outside caught your attention and you followed it to find Ben, his parents, his brother, and a couple that might have been an aunt and uncle though you couldn’t quite remember. They explained there hadn’t been enough room in the kitchen and invited you to join them. Ben was standing beside you within seconds, pressing a kiss to the top of your head as if he did it every morning. Of course, you knew it was just for show, just because there was an audience to perform for. But that didn’t stop you from savouring it, breathing him in. Then he was telling you to take his seat since he had to shower and pack anyway. You chatted with his family, apologised for not saying goodbye the previous night. Ben had already covered for you, which you found out when his mum waved off your apology and said she understood all about auditions. “Ben always used to be in bed early the night before so I’m not that surprised he insisted on getting you out of the party when he did. Did you sleep okay?” “Yeah, really well.” Lie. Add it to the list. “Good. Wouldn’t want you losing out on a roll because you were yawning too much,” You laughed your agreement and steered the conversation in another direction until Ben emerged again, hair damp, smelling like unfamiliar shampoo. With no spare seat he nudged you to stand, taking your place and wrapping his arms around your waist to pull you onto his lap. You smiled as he leaned into your shoulder, trying not to draw too much attention your way lest someone realise your thoughts were stuck on last night, stuck on how he’d felt under you, your palm flat against his chest. Eager hands and harsh breaths, achingly hard, because of you. You blinked back to the present when someone directed a question your way. After a little while Ben checked his phone for the time and, nudging you off his lap, suggested you should leave. Goodbyes were said on the driveway ten minutes later, Angela catching you in a hug and promising to have you back soon, before Ben ushered you into the passenger seat with a reminder that you’d be late if you didn’t leave soon. He tooted the horn as you pulled off down the street and you waved from the window. And then it was quiet. The mood was so different to the trip there. The radio was the only sound but even it was turned down low. You didn’t know what to say. You knew what you wanted to say but not how to go about starting the conversation. Ben kept his eyes glued to the road until you were well away from his family home, as if worried someone might overhear. And then he broke his silence. “Last night was a mistake. I didn’t mean it. Any of it.” “Any of what?” “I’m not in love with you. Never was. It was a mild crush based on physical attraction that got blown out of proportion because we were asked to pretend to date. Last night happened because it had been a while and we’d been drinking. It meant nothing.” You were too stunned to do more than nod along, every word you’d wanted to say disappearing from your mind. It didn’t matter. You were too late. You’d wasted all that time pretending not to care and now that you’d finally come to your senses, he’d apparently come to his too, had the same epiphany but in reverse. It was just a game of make believe taken too far. And you’d let yourself get caught up in it.

The rest of the trip back was torture. If you’d been in a more familiar area you would have told him to pull over and got yourself home, but so far from your usual neck of the woods it didn’t really feel like an option. The one silver lining was that you’d left early enough that the traffic wasn’t too heavy. Not that it made the trip feel any shorter. For his part Ben did seem more open to conversation once he’d got his confession off his chest, but you found it hard to match him, especially since he avoided every topic related to your relationship and the upcoming premiere. The one silver lining was that you’d left early enough that traffic wasn’t heavy. Not that it made the trip feel any shorter. You were still stiff and sad when you got out of the car, a terse goodbye the last thing Ben said before he sped off.

Nothing more was said about it. You didn’t mention how enlightening spending time with his family had been, and he didn’t mention what had happened between you. But you kept in touch, mostly through text. Mary let you know the casting director of the witch movie was interested in seeing you read for the middle witch and you sent Ben an excited message to let him know and ask if he’d help film you. He sent back a congratulations that sounded, to you, less than enthusiastic (certainly, there were less emojis than normal), and an excuse about being caught up with friends. You tried a few more times to engage him in conversation, sending him a photo of your makeshift camera stand that you used to film yourself, and then when that didn’t work, a few memes you’d found funny and a message asking how he was. He replied to all of them and if you’d shown the responses to anyone else they probably would have said you had nothing to worry about, but you couldn’t help feeling they were off somehow. The more you thought about it though, the more certain you were that you should come clean after the premiere. Even if he didn’t love you now, he definitely had before. You remembered what Joe had said about how he was pretending he didn’t feel anything for you. And more than that, you remembered what it had been like when he sobbed on your shoulder at the thought of you hating him, the way he’d whispered I love you against your lips while he was buried inside you, vulnerable and honest. By now you considered yourself pretty well versed in the difference between real and fake and there was absolutely no way he’d been faking those completely raw moments. He was a good actor, but not that good. If you could just get the words out, tell him how you felt, surely that would be enough for him to admit what he’d once felt, hopefully still felt. So, after some back and forth about when would be suitable time to bring it up, you decided that you’d tell him at the afterparty. You’d been sent the details of the night and you’d be by Ben’s side for pretty much all of it. The limo would pick him up first and then you, you’d walk the red carpet together, although some interviews would be done separately, and then you’d go on stage together to introduce the movie before sitting beside each other to watch it. After that you’d leave together and arrive at the afterparty together. It meant you should be able to find the opportunity to get him on his own, pull him aside and just tell him. There’d be somewhere you could go to escape the noise and the crowd and you’d sit him down and force him to hear you out. And then either he’d apologise and say it was flattering but he didn’t reciprocate, or he’d let out a soft thank god before pulling you into a real kiss. Not done because people were watching and expecting it. Done because he wanted to and you wanted to. And then you could tell the studio not to worry about breaking you up. And you could date for real. Go back and visit his family, introduce him to yours and to Felicity, meet his friends, move in together. You shook your head to clear it. One step at a time. No point getting ahead of yourself. You still had to make him listen to you and, if his behaviour so far was any indication, he was going to stubbornly refuse for as long as he could.

The lowest point before the premiere was when Joe messaged you on Instagram. You were surprised at first though on reflection you wondered if you should have expected it. It wasn’t a long message. A simple, can we talk about Ben? followed by his phone number. You called straight away. “Joe? It’s Y/N,” “Oh, wow, that was fast,” You shrugged and then realised he couldn’t see you, “I saw the message come in, figured I might as well call now while I knew you were awake. You wanted to talk about Ben”  “Yeah, it’s….” You hoped he was going to tell you about how madly in love with you Ben was, how he was miserable not talking to you properly, how he was pining for you, wishing you’d come over and kiss him again. “This is a bit of an awkward call.” The hopefulness slipped, creating a sinking feeling in your stomach. “I know what happened between you and Ben.” “I figured you would. How long did he wait to brag or whatever,” “It was hardly bragging, he was a mess. I asked you not to toy with him and then you go and seduce him?” “It’s not like that. I didn’t plan it to happen.” Joe sighed on the other end of the line. “It doesn’t matter anyway because according to Ben it meant nothing.” “He said that?” “Yup,” you wondered how bitter you sounded as Joe paused. “How long before this is all done?” “You mean me and Ben being the tabloid’s sweethearts? Couple of weeks tops. Premiere is this weekend. I wouldn’t expect us to last too long after that.” “Okay, good.” “Is that it?” “Unless you had anything else to say?” You thought about it for a few seconds, seriously considered telling Joe how you felt. He could probably get Ben to hear you out. But who was he to know your feelings? It was bad enough that Ben ran to him with every minor shift in your relationship, why should you do the same? Especially after he’d asked to talk just to tell you off, “Nope. So, if you’re done scolding me,” “It’s a shame. I thought – but I guess not. I can’t wait for all this to be over.” “You and me both.” As soon as you’d hung up you regretted it. But it would be too awkward to call back and ask for help.

The night of the premiere was vastly different from the last time you’d got completely dolled up to go out with Ben. Felicity wasn’t there, though you wished she was. Instead you had a small team of makeup artists and hair stylists ready to spruce you up. Your dress was new, sleek and elegant, and they created a style to match it. If it had been any other week you were sure Ben would have been blown away by the sight of you. His reaction upon seeing you climb into the back of the limo beside him was a stiff complement though the not-as-subtle-as-he-was-hoping once over her gave you was very gratifying, especially when you caught him looking at you, eyes soft and lip held lightly between his teeth, twice more before you arrived at the red carpet. Perhaps there was hope. You certainly wanted to believe there was as you got out and Ben offered you his arm. Together you made your way down the carpet, breaking apart to sign posters and photos for fans, pausing for quickfire interviews, sometimes together, sometimes apart. You talked about who you were wearing and smiled whenever Ben complemented you, returning the sweet words with your own. But there was a tension in the way Ben carried himself, like he was trying to stop himself running away from you and was only barely managing it. And then there was the lack of contact. Where he’d usually grab your hand and squeeze it for support, he instead settled on bumping fingers and pulling away like a teenager on their first date still a little scared of cooties. He didn’t hug you or wrap an arm around your waist as you walked down the carpet, didn’t come any closer than he had to. Even when you stopped in front of a wall of cameras and had people yelling at you to kiss he seemed reluctant. It wasn’t the usual soft, sweet brush of his lips. It was quicker, more self-conscious, like an obligation. Like he’d have gone for a simple cheek kiss if he’d thought he could get away with it. But, if Ben was acting less affectionate, you were acting more so. You found any excuse to touch his arm or lean on his shoulder, any excuse to get a little closer. It was possible you could write his coldness off as stress or nerves about the premiere getting to him, and if that was the case you wanted to be extra warm to make up for it. And even if his demeanour was directly related to a lack of interest in you, it made you feel better to make it harder for him. But it also made you question the sanity of your plan. Was it worth it to tell him? Would you even be able to convince him to join you in a less public area so you could talk? It was an argument you continued to have with yourself the entire night. All the way down the red carpet. As you entered the theatre. Even while you were on stage, beaming at each other as you talked about how proud you were of the movie, how much you’d enjoyed making it and how much you hoped the audience liked it. Watching the film was a slightly surreal experience. You’d seen those expression’s on Ben’s face off set as much as on. The way Andy looked at Edith, the small, shy smile he got when she complemented him, the pleading in his eyes when he was trying to convince her he still loved her, the soft loving gaze as he watched her at their engagement party. You’d seen them all, directed not at Edith but you, Y/N. You wondered if he’d noticed the same things about you. Did your face give away your feelings as much as his did? Had you been looking at him like that without even realising it? You chanced a glanced at Ben, but he was staring resolutely at the screen.

Afterwards you were ushered out of the theatre along with your co-stars, back to the cars. The group split in half, you and Ben leaving with Alfie tagging along. Not that you minded, it made the drive a little more enjoyable than it would have been otherwise. You still weren’t sure what you were going to do and this way you got to escape making a decision for a little longer. But not forever. The car pulled up to a club that had essentially been hired out for the cast and crew to celebrate in. Most people were already there and already a couple of drinks in. You cuddled up to Ben at the first flash of the cameras, hanging off his arm as you headed inside. Now was your chance. The entrance was the quietest part of the building and there was a long corridor that led to a set of bathrooms, completely devoid of other people. If you were going to tell him, that would be the perfect place. But before you could indicate you wanted a private word he caught your arm. “Can I speak to you over here for a sec?” You nodded and accompanied him towards the hallway. The trim was a deep teal colour but the rest of the hallway was one long mirror and for a moment you were distracted by what you and Ben looked like together. “Y/N?” “Yes, sorry,” you said, pulling your focus back to him, “Um, actually, I kinda had something I wanted to say too,” Ben didn’t acknowledge your sentence just bowled on through with his own, “I was going to hold off until later but I don’t want to let something slip after a few drinks or anything like that. I can’t do this anymore. This whole thing was a mistake that I should never have agreed to and I need it to be over now.” “What does that mean?” “Y/N, don’t be difficult.” His sneer was reflected at you from every angle “Who’s being difficult? You know they’re going to break us up in like a week, right?” “Yeah well, that’s too long to wait. I’m breaking us up now. They can still run the story whenever they want to but I am going to tell my parents because I am so fucking sick of Mum asking when I’m bringing you back. And…” he paused as if contemplating the next part, “I don’t think I can see you again, not for a while at least. I need some space to forget this ever happened. I um, I start my new job in a few days so I think they’ll probably use that in the magazines to explain our breakup. And I don’t expect I’ll see you until after it’s finished. If then. So….good luck with that witch movie. Take care of yourself.” He pushed past you back out into the main entry before you could fully understand what had just happened. By the time you found your voice he was gone.

You walked in a daze, out the door you’d only just entered, back to where the cars waited. Your last opportunity, gone. As soon as you were alone in the back of the car you called Felicity. “Are you calling just to brag about how much fun you’re having?” Your voice was steady as you spoke, “Can you come to mine, like, now?” “Aren’t you out at the party though?” “Something happened and I left,” “Honey? What happened, are you okay? Is Ben there?” Hearing his name was like a punch in the gut and you felt your voice shake as it got harder to breath calmly, “No, h-he’s not,” “Okay, I’ll be there in ten.” By the time you pulled up outside the house, she was waiting on the front doorstep with a shopping bag. “I bought ice cream and booze. Wasn’t sure which was more necessary.” “What kind of booze?” you asked as you dug your key out of your clutch, voice thick. “Baileys,” “It’ll do. Think I have something stronger round here as well.” “Here, let me help,” Felicity took the key from your shaking hand and successfully opened the door. As soon as you were inside, she steered you to the lounge room and sat you on the couch. The baileys and tubs of slightly melted ice cream were placed on the coffee table, condensation pooling on the smooth surface. She disappeared for a bit but you, reliving everything Ben had said, only noticed when she came back by the clanking of the spoons on the coffee table. She handed you a glass and you downed half of it in one hit. “Shit, that bad huh? You wanna tell me what happened?” she asked as she took the spot next to you and settled in, legs folded up under her. “I…I think I love Ben,” it was half sob as the magnitude of his words fully hit you. “Isn’t that a good thing though?” You shook your head, trying to keep composed when you realised how much you had to explain. Felicity just looked confused as she took a spoon of ice cream. “It was fake. The whole relationship. All the dates and all the pictures of us and everything was planned out by the studio to drum up hype for the movie.” “Wait, really?” she looked more shocked than you’d expected, “Everything? Even the stuff you told me on the phone?” You nodded, “I didn’t want to keep it from you but there was a contract involved.” “Okay, that’s insane. I had no idea that actually happened! So, all of it was fake?” “All of it. More or less anyway.” “The three orgasms?” “Yeah,” you nodded slowly, not even able to laugh at where her mind went first, “Well sort of. I mean it was only two but it didn’t happened then, it was a bit later and he said…” you broke off again, trying to swallow though your mouth felt completely dry. “Wait, you gotta go back, I’m not following,” “Okay,” you tried to steady yourself but your leg bounced against the floor and your fingers twisted against each other, “The studio set up our relationship and we were just acting the whole time except…except I found out th-that Ben actually did love me,” you had to take another steadying breath, Felicity’s hand shooting out to squeeze your knee reassuringly, “I overheard him on the phone and I freaked out because I didn’t realise I felt the same. I thought it was just the job getting to me and I figured once the studio broke us up it’d be over except then we actually did sleep together for real at his parents place and he told me he loved me during it and I realised I actually do like him and I tried to tell him but he couldn’t even look at me and the next day he said it was a mistake and that he’d never loved me and then tonight he basically told me he doesn’t want to see me again and I don’t know what to do.” by the time everything was out you were breathless and well and truly in tears. Felicity got up to grab you a tissue and when she returned she sat down right beside you, practically on top of you, so you could lean on her shoulder as you cried. Your heart ached at the thought of never seeing Ben again, but Felicity comforted you until you calmed enough to repeat some of the parts she’d missed. Eventually she had enough of a grasp of it to offer some advice. “Why don’t you call him, tell him how you feel?” “You didn’t see how he looked at me tonight. He wants nothing to do with me,” “God he must have been a good lay to make you fall so hard,” You let out a watery laugh at that. “I can’t believe the whole thing was fake and I didn’t pick it. You’re a good actress. Had me completely fooled.” “That was kinda the point. Helped that we both did like each other too. I was just too dumb to see it,” “Nah, you weren’t dumb. It can’t have been easy having to pretend the whole time,” she was silent for a second, stroking your hair, “He’ll come round. You wait, he’ll be calling up tomorrow to apologise for being such an arse.”

But there was no call. Not the next day or the day after or the day after that. You waited, curled up in bed hoping that if you stared at the phone long enough you could force it to ring, but the only calls you got were from Felicity, checking to see if you’d gotten out of bed at all, and one from Mary to go over the details of the break up. Ben had been right, they were going to use his new movie as the catalyst. “Distance is a known relationship killer and Ben is filming outside of the UK so it’ll be easy to sell it as a result of that. Plus, as far as the public know, you’ve had some rocky patches anyway so it shouldn’t take much to convince everyone you’re over.” “Wait, he’s not in London?” “Not from what I’ve heard.” “Do you know where he is?” “Y/N, I’m not his agent.” As soon as you were off the phone you sent Ben a text wishing him good luck with the new movie, but he left you on read. To try and distract yourself you opened Instagram and watched some of your friend’s stories, but it didn’t work for long and you quickly closed the app down. In the first couple of days you’d spent a lot of time scrolling through social media, checking the regular hashtags, seeing what people were saying about you and Ben. To start it had just been a lot of comments, complements and criticism alike, about what you’d worn to the premiere. But gradually the speculation crept in. People could see something was off, even if they couldn’t tell what. Gossip blogs direct messaged you looking for confirmation that you were either still together or, better yet, split up. You saw tweets casting you as the jilted ex, so blinded by love she didn’t see the end coming. Others were sure you had been or would be the one to break it off, sometimes proclaiming it a win for independent women everywhere, sometimes a villainous attack on poor Ben. You stopped looking after that. It just made you more upset and you weren’t sure you could handle what else might be posted. For one thing, you couldn’t remember if there had been photos taken of you fleeing the party not ten minutes after arriving. You had to assume there had been, though at the time you were too distraught to notice. And then there was the idea that someone might have seen Ben pull you aside, might have intended to sneak some shots of you making out in a deserted corridor and instead caught the moment he broke your heart. You definitely wouldn’t be able to cope with that. Just thinking about it sent a wave of despair through you, seeing it would be ten times worse. Not that you had any reason to believe you had been seen but you never knew with these things and it was better to be safe than sorry.

You stuck to your no-social-media guns even after the breakup was officially announced but, unfortunately, all the previous times you’d clicked on article after article, scrolled through tweets about yourself, had impacted things your phone recommended to you and you found yourself being ambushed by photos of you and Ben accompanied by headlines proclaiming the split. The worst came a few days after the news broke when you saw an article about Ben being back in the dating game. According to the website his account on Bumble had been active again for the first time in months. Any notions you’d had about getting over him were proved wrong as soon as you realised what the article was saying. Your chest tightened until you felt like you could barely breathe and the words on the screen began to blur. You sent a link to it to Felicity who called you as soon as she saw it. “It can’t be real, Y/N.” “Why not. We weren’t really dating so what’s to stop him finding someone else now?” “It’s been like three days since it was announced, his PR team or whatever would hate an article like this because it makes him look like a sleezy fuckboy.” “So then it’s not leaked by his people, it’s more likely to be legit.” “Or it’s made up to get hits.” “Maybe he meant it,” “Meant what?” “That he never loved me.” “I very much doubt that.” “How would you know, you never met him,” “No but I saw the photos of how he looked at you,” “Which weren’t real,” “Fine, maybe I don’t know what I’m on about. But you met him, and I’d guess you know him pretty well by now, and to be this torn up about him you must have thought there was a chance he felt the same way.” She waited for you to say something else but, when she was met with nothing but your sniffles she kept talking, “I still think you need to talk to him. Leave him a voicemail if he doesn’t answer.” “I don’t think he’d listen even if I did,” you sighed miserably. “Y/N, honey, I know you’re hurting but you can’t keep waiting for him to call. If you really want to be with him then call him and tell him that. Or forget about him. But either way you have got to stop wallowing like this. I’m coming over tonight and I expect to see you out of bed at least, preferably showered and in clean clothes.”

You’d ended the call just as dejected as when you’d made it, though with the added pain of a headache from crying too much. Slowly you slipped out of bed and shuffled to the kitchen to search for your box of painkillers. Reaching into the cupboard for a glass your fingers brushed over your coffee mug. Distracted from your original goal, you pulled the mug down and stared at it, tracing over the design Ben had painted on it. The purple splatters, the ring, the words. We’re really good at this dating thing. If only you’d realised back then what you felt. You might have actually been with Ben by now. Certainly, if you’d known you would have said something after you overheard his phone call. You’d been standing just a few steps over when you’d heard it, his low voice and the bitter laugh as he told Joe how shit it was to unrequitedly love someone. You hated knowing how right he’d been. But the memory gave you an idea. What you’d said to Felicity was true, she’d never known Ben beyond what he let the public see so she was hardly a reliable judge of character. But you knew someone who did know Ben. Calling him was probably insane. It wasn’t like you were particularly close, and with how your last conversation had ended, it definitely felt more bad idea than good. But, then again, that had been before the premiere, before Ben had gone radio silent, and desperate times called for desperate measures. Quickly, before you could rethink the idea, you picked up your phone and found Joe’s number again.

“Joe speaking,” “Is Ben dating again?” you blurted out. “What? Who is this?” “Sorry, it’s Y/N. Is it true Ben’s dating again?” “Why exactly are you calling me about this?” he sounded completely baffled. “Ben won’t answer or return my texts or anything,” “So naturally you call me. You ever think maybe it’s a hint he doesn’t want to talk to you?” You changed tact, “Do you know where his new movie’s filming?” “Yes but I’m not telling you,” You grunted in frustration. Why was he being so fucking difficult about this, “Look if you just told me I could get out of your hair. There’s something Ben needs to know.” “What sort of something?” “None of your business,” “Okay, well, good luck then.” “Wait!” you paused, listening for the click of the phone being hung up. It didn’t come. “Can I ask one more thing?” “Go on then,” “Did Ben actually love me? At any point?” There was silence for long enough to make you think he’d hung up and then, softly, “Yeah, he did. Don’t tell him I said it, but I think he still does.” “Then can you please just tell me where in the world he is because I need to tell him I love him too and he won’t fucking let me.” “Wait, really?” “Yeah,” “I fucking knew it,” the sound of Joe slapping something in excitement echoed down the line, “I knew it!” “And you didn’t think to let either of us know?” “Well you I’d only just met so I couldn’t be sure. And Ben can be so fucking stubborn sometimes,” “Yeah, tell me about it.” Joe’s laugh was loud and clear, “He’s in Spain. Barcelona to be exact. Give me a minute and I can probably get you the name of the hotel,” you heard some paper rustling, “I fucking knew it.”

When Felicity arrived the next day, she was pleased to see you not only out of bed, showered and dressed, but busily working away at something on the computer. Her happiness slipped into something much closer to disbelief when you told her the plan you’d come up with after your conversation with Joe, but you pointed out that really it was her fault for being adamant that you should talk to Ben. “I can’t just call and hope Ben doesn’t delete the message, I have to make him listen. Otherwise I’ll never know for sure.” “Okay but you know this sounds fucking insane, right? What if he’s not there? What if he refuses to see you?” “Then I come home again as soon as I can and try to move on. Look, I know it’s like completely ridiculous and mad but I have to do something. You’re gonna help me, right?” “Well duh.” The first thing she helped you do was find a good flight. It was a little later than you’d wanted but it took off that night and didn’t stop over in any other countries. You bought a one way ticket just in case Ben wanted you to stay. Once you had it you couldn’t help but laugh. It was fitting, this grand gesture to tell Ben how you felt. The sort of thing you’d expect to see in a rom-com. And considering you’d met on the set of one, had acted out the scene already (though of course, he’d been the one running through the rain to find you in the movie), it made a certain sort of sense that this was what you had to do. Apparently the universe had a sense of humour. The rest of the evening was spent putting the plan into motion, packing a suitcase in the hopes you’d be there at least a little while. Felicity drove you to the airport, talking excitedly about how she couldn’t believe you were actually going to fly to Spain just to talk to a boy. It helped to keep you calm as you oscillated between wishing you could go faster and wondering if this wasn’t a big mistake. When you voiced this out loud Felicity made a frustrated noise, nearly forgetting to break at a red light. “You are not backing out of this Y/N. I swear to god I’ll get on that plane with you if I have to. You’re doing this.” “I know, I know. Thanks,” “It’s what I’m here for. I know how to get my best friend laid.” You snorted your laughter.

There was no need for Felicity to join you on the plane, though she stayed with you until your flight boarded, the nerves only getting stronger. You took your seat and waited for everyone else to find theirs, watching as businessmen and tourists shuffled past you. The two or so hours the flight took was the hardest part. At home you’d had the process of packing and planning to occupy your mind, as well as Felicity’s constant conversation. But on the plane, you had nothing but the entertainment screen and a magazine you’d picked up in the airport. And they could hardly be called distractions. The crossword puzzle at the back of the magazine just reminded you of sitting next to Ben on the flight to New York, the articles made you think about everything that had been published about you over the previous half a year, and the screen seemed to hold nothing but romantic movies designed to make you emotional. You had to grab the sick bag tucked into the seat pouch in front of you at one point, fearing the building anticipation would make you throw up. But you, and the woman in the seat next to yours, were able to breathe a sigh of relief when you landed, vomit free. After that you were moving again, able to focus on each step as they came. Finding a cab, telling the driver where you needed to go, watching the buildings flying past as you drove towards the hotel. You glanced at the time and wondered if it had been a mistake to not wait until morning but the idea of trying to sleep another night without knowing how Ben actually felt was impossible to contemplate. When the cab pulled up outside the hotel you fumbled pulling your card out of your purse, and then climbed out and grabbed your suitcase, hoping it hadn’t just been wishful thinking to pack it. Joe had given you Ben’s room number, so you headed straight for the elevator, counted the floors as you past each one. All of a sudden you were walking down the hall, searching for his room, standing outside his door, knocking on it. There was silence from inside, so you knocked again. More silence. You chewed the inside of your cheek as you contemplated what to do. It was possible he wasn’t in there, maybe caught up with the rest of the cast somewhere. You glanced at the time again. It wasn’t exactly early and there was a do not disturb sign swinging from the door handle, maybe he’d called it a night already and was sleeping peacefully. Third time’s the charm, you thought as you raised your fist to knock again. If he didn’t answer you’d go downstairs and make an enquiry at the reception desk, see if anyone knew if he was in or not. You’d just pulled your hand away again when you heard it, footsteps coming towards the door followed by a deep, familiar voice that said, “I’m coming, I’m coming,”, and then he was tugging it open, mumbling something about not being disturbed. He stopped when he saw you, tired eyes blinking in disbelief, wearing a t-shirt and flannel pyjama pants. Your heart was hammering against your chest as you tried to remember everything you’d planned to say. “Y/N? What ar-” You put your hand over his mouth as your brain kicked back into gear, “You wouldn’t reply to my texts and I didn’t know if you’d listen to any voicemails I left you but I have something I need to tell you so that’s why I’m here. I love you. I didn’t realise it at first but I think I started to feel something after our first date, maybe earlier, I can’t tell. By the time I started to think that maybe I liked you as more than a friend I thought it was just because we were acting like we were in love but then spending time with your family made me realise it wasn’t just pretend, I wanted to be with you. And when we slept together, that just confirmed it for me, I love you. I wanted to tell you that night but you shut me out and then you said you’d never loved me and I didn’t know what to do so I thought I’d wait until after the premiere except then you broke up with me and stopped talking to me and it’s been hell without you. I’ve missed you so much, so fucking much, and all I’ve wanted is to see you again and hear your voice and hug you and I’d really like to date you for real, or at least be friends again because not having you in my life is complete shit.” You stopped and slowly pulled your hand away from him, breathing as hard as if you’d just run a marathon, blinking away the tears that had begun to form. Ben stared at you, lips slightly parted. When he didn’t move, didn’t respond, you began to think you’d made a monumental error, “That’s all I had to say,” you mumbled, already preparing yourself to have the door shut in your face. “Thank God,” he breathed out as he suddenly moved, pressing his lips to yours, cupping your face with one hand as the other pulled your body tight against his. Pure relief flooded your system, as you kissed him back as hard as you could manage, determined to show him exactly how much you felt for him. Together you teetered on the spot, his fingers tight on your waist, yours pressing into his chest and the back of his neck. Even when you stopped kissing you remained standing close enough to see the tears clinging to his eyelashes, both of you breathing hard as you adjusted to the knowledge your feelings were reciprocated.

The creak of a door further up the hallway reminded you where you were. “Are you staying?” he asked softly, closing his eyes, nudging your nose with his. “Is that okay?” “More than okay. I’m so happy to see you.” He broke away for real a few seconds later, though his hand quickly found yours so he could pull you inside his suite. It was nicer than the ones you’d shared in America, bigger, more spacious. Perks of living there for months rather than weeks. You left your bag in the entrance, let him lead you towards the couch. The coffee table was littered with dirty dishes. “Comfort food,” he shrugged when he saw you looking, “I was a fucking idiot.” “Little bit. Can’t say I was much smarter though,” He chuckled at that and followed it up with a sigh, “I’m really sorry for how I acted,” he said softly, frowning a little as he brushed some of your hair behind your ear. You took the seat he offered you, perched on the edge of the couch, unsure how to be comfortable until everything that needed to be said had been. Ben followed suit, taking the place next to yours, your knees pointing towards each other. For a moment neither of you spoke. There was a lot to process, a lot you still wanted to know, and it was hard to work out where to start. Finally you broke the silence, “Why’d you do it?” He understood what you meant, “After that night at my parent’s…. I thought I’d fucked everything up when I said that while we were y’know. After the first time I told you and you nearly ran off, how could you ever want to see me again? And I was so worried I’d never be able to get over you. I thought if I told you I’d never been into you, acted like it, then I could make it true.” “Did it work?” “Of course not,” he said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world, “Which is why I pushed you away. I figured it would be easier to get over you if I didn’t have to see you or act like your boyfriend and I knew I’d be coming here so it seemed like a good idea to make a clean break of it.” You nodded, processing what he’d said. Hesitantly he reached for your hand again, pulled it from your lap, closer to him, so he could play with your fingers. You were happy to let him. Ben stifled a yawn, “Sorry. Promise it’s not ‘cause I’m bored,” You realised just how tired he looked. It was late after all, and he’d probably had a long day filming. You yourself felt pretty worn out too, no longer running on adrenaline and anxiety. But there was still one thing you needed to hear before you could relax. Everything else, all the questions that remained and everything you’d need to discuss, it could all wait until the morning except this one thing. “Has there been anyone else?” “Anyone else what?” “I saw a thing about you dating again,” Ben shook his head, “No. I went out with some mates back in London, before I left, and, um, they tried. Said I’d get over you easier if I hooked up with someone else, but I didn’t want anyone else.” It felt like a weight was lifted and you smiled, let your head fall to his shoulder. He kept running his fingers over yours until he yawned again, “Sorry.” “Long day?” “Not long exactly. Just, a lot, y’know.” “You wanna go to bed?” He nodded and yawned again but he waited until you’d got your suitcase before he stood up, watching you the whole time. He’d clearly been in bed when you’d knocked, the blankets out of place, the lights out, and the TV on with the volume down low. Ben replaced the light from the TV with that from a lamp and readjusted the covers as you ducked into the bathroom to change. When you exited the bathroom you found him sitting up in bed, staring at the door. “You okay?” “Brilliant,” he said softly, giving you a small smile. He shuffled down further under the covers as you climbed in beside him, turned to face each other. There was a moment where he seemed almost afraid to touch you, hand stopping short. You just shuffled closer, caught his hand and placed it around you. “You’re actually here, yeah? I’m not just dreaming it?” “I’m here Ben.” “Don’t leave, okay?” “I won’t.” He took a breath and then said, so softly you might have missed it if the room weren’t so quiet, “I love you,” “I love you too,” With that reassurance he pulled you closer still and gave you a soft, lingering kiss.

Ben fought off sleep for as long as he could, eyes slipping shut and then blinking open again until finally his breathing evened out and he dropped off. It was sweet, his attempts to keep you in sight. You still weren’t certain he wasn’t going to vanish in a puff of smoke either. It seemed unreal that you could be there with him, wrapped up in his arms, with no one trying to catch you on camera. That was something you’d have to talk about before long, the tabloids. For the moment they were preoccupied running stories about your breakup but how long would it be before they sought you out for more? And when they found you together, they weren’t going to just let it go. Even now there was probably someone camped outside your house, hoping to catch a glimpse of you with another man or a tub of ice-cream and a box of tissues. How long before they realised you weren’t there? How long before they found out where you’d gone? Ben snuffled in his sleep and distracted you from your worries. It could all wait. You could feel yourself edging closer to sleep, helped along by the steady rise and fall of Ben’s chest, the familiar rhythm of him. A pinging noise cut though the quiet of the room and you realised it was your phone. Carefully, so as not to wake Ben, you extracted yourself from his arms and tiptoed over to your suitcase where you’d dumped the clothes you’d been wearing. Your phone dinged again and then again right as you found it. Y/N, What happened? You have to have arrived by now, did you find Ben? Y/N!!! I’m dying here!!! This silence better be because you’re being dicked down right now BITCH!!! ANSWER YOUR PHONE!!! You laughed quietly to yourself and typed back a quick reply, “I’m with Ben. Been talking. Will call tomorrow.” You’d barely hit send when a new reply came in, “So it worked? You’re together?” “Yeah. For real this time.” You dropped your phone amongst your things and climbed back into bed, snuggling back into Ben’s warm embrace.

[shemetan]

rapper hc part 1

hi guys!!! so i’ve had this idea in my head forever and just didn’t have anyone to share it with but i told hedy about it yesterday and she scammed me into creating tumblr acc and sharing it here lol but when i went to write it down i  realized that i have a lot more to share so it’s gonna be just the 1st part for now, which was the only thing i had in my mind originally but now i’m working on expanding it.

i have a lot of ideas from the songs and this is no exception. this time the inspiration was NF - an amazing rapper and song writer. his songs uncover so much trauma and the things he raps and sings about are so real for a lot of us that you can’t help relating to them. NF’s real name is Nathan which also played part in this idea. lyrics of the songs are what the hc is based on so please listen to the songs i mention and pay attention to the lyrics.

ok i don’t wanna waste more of your time bc the hc is big as it is so without further ado let’s dive into it. p.s. it’s the first time i do a thing like that so im sorry in advance for any inconsistencies or the general drama:)))

TW!! (everything is just mentioned, nothing too graphic) physical abuse, verbal/emotional abuse, alcohol, drinking, drug addiction, overdose, death from overdose, kidnapping, torture (beating, skin burning, cuts – all of it not descriptive), violence, breaking one’s own bones, putting bastards to prison. also NF’s lyrics got a lot of triggers and cover very serious issues so if you decide to listen to some more of his music be careful with that. some of the things mentioned in the songs i’ve used here: depression, grave digging, guns, blood (in a non-violent way).

neil’s story: he grew up in an abusive family. his father was drinking a lot and abused him physically and verbally saying that he was nothing and nobody and would not amount to anything in his life. he despised neil’s love for music and laughed at him. he also hit him more when he noticed anything related to neil’s passion (neil humming some melody or listening to music in his headphones or trying to create smth). his mother tried to protect him but she couldn’t do much bc of her drug addiction. she overdosed during his last year in hs and surprisingly left him some money. when Nathan found out about that he was enraged and beat the shit out of neil so he would give him that money. to run away from his father neil goes to university to study his passion – music. he’s always had some kind of knack for creating music and rapping and now he could explore it more and not be afraid of nathan. he tries to overcome his trauma and even makes some friends (the foxes).

during the freshman year andrew and neil spend a lot of time together. they find the reflections of their hurt in each other and they find understanding. they share some of their past and their traumas; their view of the world and their dreams. andrew feels like he is falling because he’s never met anyone like neil. slowly there are soft touches and furtive glances but neither is ready yet to cross that line.

neil seemingly gets better even though there are a lot of hard moments on the way. however at the end of his freshman year nathan finds him and he and his cronies kidnap and beat neil up for Mary’s money keeping him in the basement for several days. this money is all neil’s got to survive and build his life so he doesn’t say anything and thinks of the ways to run. im not good with making up torture techniques and nathan is not so imaginative here but they still leave neil with scars on his face, his torso and hands (mostly burns from cigarettes, iron, cuts from glass bottles). by the end of the third day neil is physically and morally exhausted so he gives up and transfers all the money to them (he’s got a little of it left on his other acc) and they drunk on their win leave him in the basement. he breaks his fingers to get out of the handcuffs and gets out through the small basement window and runs outside. not long after that he collapses from all the exhaustion and blood loss and someone notices him. they call the cops and the ambulance. after that nathan and his cronies are put into prison and neil is left with almost no money. he leaves the state and a year later with a lot of effort, practicing and self-advertising he successfully signs with a music label under the name N/A.

andrew’s story: tilda didn’t give him up but was a shitty mother (obv) with drug addiction. andrew and aaron’s parents were divorced and their father didn’t live with them but tried to be there when he could. andrew started creating music as an outlet bc tilda’s boyfriends were physically abusing him and he tried to protect aaron from that. he and aaron were close bc they only had each other but andrew still didn’t share his trauma with aaron trying to protect him from that hell. of course he was only a child and couldn’t always take aaron’s place in beating but most of it lay on him. while at hs they became a band with the help of nicky and performed with their songs were they could and tried to self-advertise and wymack (he’s the head of the music dep at uni and also one of the profs) noticed them and offered them partial scholarships. they had some money left after tilda’s overdose (they lived for some time with their father after her death) so they went to get actual education on music production (at this point I don’t care how plausible it sounds, just don’t think too much about it ok lol)

the story:

ok so nathaniel once went to uni with the foxes (is there such a major as music production and singing or smth?) but at the end of his freshman year he disappeared. he was not very sociable so no one really cared where’d he go except for the foxes with whom he became somewhat friends. 1-2 years later he pops up as a new young and very talented rapper named N/A and he’s got burn scars all over his face and hands which he doesn’t hide so very intriguing right??? nobody knows much about him and that his name stands for Neil Abram so they take it literally as ‘no data available’ or smth (hedy also proposed “not applicable”!). foxes are like WTF we know that guy!! and wymack is also like isn’t that nathaniel??

Andrew’s become a huge fan of neil’s music. only renee knows that andrew’s been listening to neil’s songs non stop bc he can relate so hard to them and they just hit him right where it hurts. at the end of their last year they have like a huge final concert or smth and wymack organizes it to be held in one of the palmetto clubs. at the same time neil is coming back to Palmetto bc he is nostalgic of the time he spent in the uni with the foxes and he wants to escape his real life for a moment. he wants to visit the city and reminisce and he believes that none of the foxes really remembers him bc he was a nobody. I know the plot is getting ridiculous but bear with me

so it’s the evening of the gig and the students perform their music (songs, instrumentals, as solos/duets/bands etc). andrew majorly produces rap songs at this point and he performs in duet with renee with their song (NF’s “Can you hold me”). everyone is like shit it was so good but then andrew performs his solo song (NF’s “How could you leave us”). aaron is standing there and is a fucking mess bc he never knew andrew was that affected by their past and their mother’s death bc he never showed it and didn’t ever want to talk about his issues. (be warned this is a heart-wrenching song and it fits fucking perfectly). after that andrew almost runs outside for a smoke, trying to light a cigarette with his shaking fingers and thats when he sees a strange all covered up figure in a black hoodie entering the club but also cautiously looking over their shoulder like they don’t want to be caught. andrew ever the protective one follows him but loses in the crowd of the low lit club. 10 mins later there is quiet and the figure goes on stage – obv its neil. “Intro III” starts playing.

andrew is in awe and he’s never heard this song before so it must be new. he also never saw neil perform live so he cant really move bc the performance is so powerful and magnetic. *neils sitting on one of the disconnected amplifiers in the dark and the music starts building up. At 2:00 of the song after the words “I mean, what are you, outta your mind? 'Cause both of us will be, come on, let's go outside!” he pulls off his hood, his movements are fierce and aggressive and he’s almost screaming in the mic. at words “You had me scared for a second, I thought we were diggin' my grave” theres his fathers smile, vicious, crazy and cruel – thats how he remembered it spending 3 days in that basement. (fyi in the song NF’s talking to his fear and they go back and forth).* 

andrew is mesmerized, the foxes are in shock, the whole crowd does not understand who that is but they watch with open mouths. the song ends and the crowd goes wild. that’s when neil starts talking.

“hello palmetto. this is a great concert you got and some of you guys are fucking talented. my name is neil and I used to go to PSU a long time ago so you prolly don’t know me but professor wymack out there let me come here on this stage and sing a couple of my songs for you. one of them is my old song, and another is new but they both tell my story and I hope you like’em”. 

people cheer and applaud and after a moment another song starts playing. its the one andrew knows (it’s Paralyzed). the atmosphere gets way calmer but everyone is just as hypnotized. during the chorus neil is standing under the dim lights, head turned up facing the ceiling, eyes closed, his scars are illuminated. he looks almost peaceful but there’s pain and apathy showing on his face and in his posture. the song ends and neil leaves the stage. andrew cant make his legs move but he has to meet neil (he just realized that neil’s shared his name with them and it wasn’t “nathaniel” and andrew’s got so many questions).

he forces himself to move and almost runs backstage. neil is already leaving but andrew stops him by grabbing him by his arm. they stand there looking at each other, andrew panting, his body shaking a little, neil wide-eyed.

“Andrew…” he whispers obviously surprised by seeing Andrew here.

“Nath- Neil.” suddenly Andrew cant ask a single question. he’s got so many that it feels like a waste of time to ask them one by one. Neil looks down at where Andrew is still grabbing his arm and Andrew lets go off him like its burnt him. “You are here” he lets out on the exhale like he still can’t believe it.

Neil averts his eyes and puts the hood of his sweater on his head so that the shadows obscure half of his face. “Yeah” he replies and after a few seconds follows with hesitant “How are you?” It is a stupid question, Andrew thinks but he answers nonetheless with simple fine. Neil holds his head low, and Andrew can’t help but wonder if Neil doesn’t wanna look him in the eyes after his disappearance so many years ago or if he simply doesn’t want to see Andrew’s face. Both options hurt him but he doesn’t have the heart to ask.

the end of part 1. come yell at me on twt or here hihi

[is-that-another-soulmate-au]

Wuko/Korrasami/OC insert soulmate eye color change AU

@mypureessence I'm gonna tag you because I know you like my Lee 😌

"Hey Lee! You did great out there tonight!" Lee let out a huff when she heard Tenko call to her. Spinning on her heel she turned to face him. "Not to mention this new over the shoulder dress! You were absolutely stunning, here's your pay for the night"

She took the cash handed to her and gave him a small sigh "thanks Tenko, say, did I get any tips?"

"Why? You building some new explosion on the outskirts?" Tenko gave a big grin

"Perhaps" she folded her arms

"You know Lee, you being a nonbender and all, I dont think you should keep messing with those explosions"

"A nonbender? Really you think I'm incapable of protecting myself against my own machines?" She huffed "whatever, did I get any tips or not?"

"You sure did, but its not alot" he handed her a small amount of cash compared to her pay.

"Hey, its better than nothing, alright, I'm getting changed, I'll see you next week alright?"

"You better be here, people love hearing a white fox sing"

Groaning she stormed off to her small dressing room where she changed out of the God awful tight dress and slip into more comfortable clothes. Fixing her hair up she paused, looking in the mirror at her own eyes, both a pale green. Wonder which parent that came from. She huffed and pushed the last Bobby pin in and left.

It was already getting dark so she had to hury. She clung to the flyer she had already deciphered a while ago, she was going to infiltrate the equalists tonight. She hopped on her bike and sped off. Not too long after she managed to find the spot and parked her bike before heading down the alleyway.

"Invitation?"

"Here" she held out the flyer.

"Come on in, the revelation is upon us my sister"

She nodded and stepped inside, immediately setting to work scouting the building for any way to halt the performance that Amon was about to do. She'd seen it before, only a week ago when she caught a scene outside her warehouse on the outskirts. She needed to stop this.

"To take a person's bending away... permanently" she heard the man say, glancing up she watched as four people were dragged onto stage. The first was a leader of a gang.

"See those machines" she heard a man whisper by chance as she passed him and a girl "their run by steam, get some escaping and you could whip up some cover while I free Bolin"

"Works for me"

"Me too." Lee whispered and grabbed hold of the girls wrist "Follow me, I can help" the girl gave a bit of hesitation but nodded and wished her friend good luck.

Leading the girl to the steam pipes she took hold of a valve "we need to turn these to the right as far as possible to let the steam escape"

Once they did that the steam started to escape but only a little "its not enough" the girl said in frustration

"Hey you!" A man shouted as he walked in

"Great, now we have company" Lee said with an eye twitch but stood up "is there a problem my brother?"

"What are you doing back here?"

"Uh... looking for the bathroom?" The girl said with a cheeky grin. What is she five?

"You wouldn't happen to know where one is my brother?" Lee backed up the excuse with a question in hopes to get him to believe it. But no use. The man attacked. Lee used the help of the girl to get the upperhand and smash the pipes, releasing the steam, which the girl bent with ease out of the room. Causing a panic and gaining them some cover.

The group managed to escape and the duo Lee used as help managed to get this Bolin guy. Fleeing, the girl and Lee ran into Bolin and this other guy taken out by a man with electric sticks.

Of course this girl she thought was just a warebender just used earthbending to get the upperhand and escape. Oh gods, this is the avatar, this is avatar Korra and the fireferrets Mako and Bolin.

"So.. whats your name? Mystery girl?" Bolin said from the jaws of Naga.

"Lee. And youre the fireferrets and avatar, thanks for the help getting rid of that rally."

"Well, uh, Lee, thank you for helping us save Bolin" Mako said with an awkward clearing of his throat.

"No problem, but uhm, I kind of left my bike near the area so I dont exactly have a way to get home.."

"Where is your home?" Bolin piped up

"On the outskirts of the city" Lee shrugged "Im normally not here this late but I had a thing to do y'know"

"Yeah..." Mako said in what seemed to be a cold tone as they managed to get to the pro bending arena "you can crash here for the night and head back home tomorrow"

Lee sighed "yeah, okay, sorry"

Once Korra left with Naga to Air Temple Island Bolin wrapped his arm around Lee's shoulder "sooo, Lee right? Is that short for something?"

"No. It's just Lee." She looked up at Bolin with a concerned expression before pushing him back and checking him over "are you alright? No scratches or bruises? Did you hit your head?"

Mako slowed her by gripping her shoulders and moving them inside "he's fine, quit mother henning him"

"I am not-! Okay, look I just watched him almost lose his bending okay? We barely managed to get out of that in one piece! I mean, you two were almost caught again because of mister zappy sticks!" She ranted while they made their way to the apartment "okay, look, we might not know eachother well, or even at all, but tonight we were a team in taking down that rally okay? So I'm allowed to be worried that a teammate might have gotten hurt!"

"Yeah, sure, teammate" Mako huffed when they made it to their living space.

"Whats your problem?" Lee stood infront of Mako with a irritated expression

"I dont have a problem" Mako said with a small crack in his voice

"Yes. You do. You've been huffy since we managed to escape. Why would you even offer to have me crash for the night if you have a problem with me?" Lee took a step closer and Mako took a step back

"Look, I dont have a problem with you, I just hardly know you okay? I'm letting you stay here to thank you for helping me save my brother, and thats all. I dont even know if I can trust you"

"Well, since you hardly know me, how about you ask some questions okay? That should get the ball rolling" Bolin raised his hand and Lee gave him a fond grin "Bolin sweetie you don't need to raise your hand but go ahead"

"Who are your parents?"

"Dont know, I was put up for adoption before I ever had the capability to remember anything"

"Where do you work?"

"Cold spikes bar as a singer"

"Ooo! You sing?" Bolin grinned

"Yeah, I do. But Im not about to sing for you right now." She folded her arms.

"Aww" Bolin pouted

"Why is your hair white?" Mako finally chipped in a question.

"Oh wow, that's personal"

"And the parents one wasnt?" Mako snipped

"I'm teasing Mako, my hair has always been white, I dont know why it is just like I dont know why my eyes are green or why the sky is blue." Lee gave a shrug

"Why were you at the rally in the first place and what did you plan to do if you didn't bump into us?"

"Well, I planned to blow the place up with some explosives but when I bumped into you guys it was definitely a much better option"

"You... were going to blow up the building?"

"Well yeah, but not with deadly bombs, smoke bombs and stink bombs mostly." She shrugged "Im an explosives expert so I know a thing or two about how to avoid hurting people with my babies, thats why I live on the outskirts, I have a warehouse where I test my new explosives so"

Bolin looked at Mako, then to Lee, then back to Mako "I like her, can we keep her?"

"She's not an animal Bolin you can't just pick her up and say 'can we keep her' like your adopting a pet" Mako scolded "but if she wants to stick around us for a while she can."

"I'd like that, but more than that, I'd like to sleep, so I'm gonna just crash down here, got a spare pillow?"

And so she slept in the corner of the room curled around a pillow and when morning rolled around Pabu woke her up just in time before Mako left for his job and before Bolin left to go train. Sitting up her back cracked a couple times and her stomach gave into a growl "hey Bolin, I dont suppose you could skip a bit of training and come with me to go grab something to eat?"

"Uh, we're kind of... broke" Bolin said with a shy

Lee gave a laugh while standing up "i didnt ask for you to pay, I just asked you to come with. I've got money enough for the both of us to eat my dear Bolin. Now do you think you could skip your training and come with me to grab something to eat?" With a growl escaping his stomach he gave a pair of sad puppy dog eyes and Lee cracked a laugh "alright, lets be off then"

And with that Lee was taking Bolin out to a small noodle shop to eat. While sitting in the booth laughing Bolin leaned on the table "so, is this a... y'know?"

"A what?" Lee said after swallowing a bite. The look on Bolin's face said it all and she gave a sigh "no Bolin, this is not a date. I dont exactly do dating okay? I'm too invested in my work to do dates and partners and the like"

"Well, what if you meet your soulmate?" Bolin pointed out

"Well, if I meet them, then we'll just see what happens. But Bolin, youre not my soulmate, you and I both know that, neither of our eyes changed"

"Yeah, and? Both out eyes are green!"

"Mine are a pale almost seafoam green and yours are a evergreen, it would be pretty obvious" she rested her chin on her hand and huffed "besides, why would you even go for me?"

"You saved me..."

"No, Korra and Mako saved you, I managed to assist in the matter. And while yes I would save you a hundred times over if I had to, I played only a minor role in the rescue mission"

"But you still played a part" Bolin pointed his fork at her "and even though you cant bend, you managed to help both my brother and my best friend save my tail back there.

Lee gave him a grin and a sigh she really is a nonbender to everyone huh? Guess she could stand to use her bending more "I guess your right"

By the time noon rolled around Bolin and Lee were back at the arena in one of the training rooms with Bolin practicing some punches with Lee behind the padding. "So.. Where's Mako work?"

"Uh... I dunno? I just found out he had a job this morning, but he said he should be home around 2 or so, you can ask him then-"

"Nah, I'm home early... why are you practicing with white fox over here?" Mako said with a grin "and I have a date tomorrow night"

"Get outta town!" Lee said excitedly "what's their name?"

"Her name is Asami" Mako said with a blushing face and a goofy grin

"Aw, just from the way you said her name Im sure she's lovely... by any chance did your eyes change?" Lee said with a lean towards him

"No? I mean most people settle without that here, yknow, most people are so busy you won't find your soulmate anytime soon"

"I guess you're right, hm, well, I hope you two enjoy your date"

And enjoy it he did, two days later when Lee visited in the morning to train with Bolin Mako revealed that Asami was Hiroshi Sato's daughter and he was sponsoring the team in the upcoming tournament. Which that news was paired nicely by noon with Korra letting them know there was a Gala being thrown in her name. That night Korra asked Lee to stay the night at Air temple Island just so she knew there was someone by her side.

And Lee was happy to oblige, though she hadn't realized that meant that she was going as Korra's plus one.

[ace-in-a-shopping-cart]

Buaxfell

Summary:  A girl finds herself in a strange forest surrounded by strangers with magic powers and no memories. They go on a quest to find her memories and figure out where she belongs. (AKA, an original work I wrote forever ago that I want validation for.)

Main Taglist: (Send an ask to be added or removed!) @starlocked01​​​ @spoopy-turtle​​​ @lizluvscupcakes​​ @more-fandon-than-friends​, @i-cant-find-a-good-username, @vindicatedvirgil, @star-crossed-shipper

NOTE: This might be a dip in quality from what you’re used to, I wrote it when I was about 12-13.

Day 1

When I woke up, I was in a forest. There were trees all around and I seemed to be lying on a cloak of some sort.

"Good, she's awake." Someone said.

I looked up to find probably seven of the most handsome men I have ever encountered. They were all dressed similarly: brown pants that looked funky and white, button down shirts. Their cloaks were all different colors as well: red, green, blue, brown, pale blue, yellow, and gray. Their hair matched their cloaks but in different shades.

The one with the brown cloak knelt next to me and put his hand on my shoulder. "Are you alright now, miss?" I identified his voice as the one who told the others I was awake.

"I'm fine, but may I ask who you are?"

They all introduced themselves one by one but tagged something weird on the end.

"Kenna, fire." The red cloak said.

"Beryl, earth." This came from the green one.

"Ackerley, healing." The nice brown one.

"Caol, water." The dark blue.

"Akiro, light." The yellow one.

"Draven, shadow." The grey one.

"Vale, ice." This was reluctantly given by the light blue.

Ackerley took back over as he started to examine my arms. "Are you sure you're fine? You took a nasty tumble there."

"I can't remember anything after going to sleep last night and have no idea where I am. Other than that, my head hurts slightly."

His hands moved to gently run over my scalp, looking for a bump. "What are you doing?" I asked him.

"As I said earlier, I'm a healer. I can relieve the headache if you tell me where it is."

I was still very confused but went along with it. "It kinda starts from behind my ears and goes up to encase the front of my head."

He nodded as his long fingers reached behind my ears. Almost as soon as he started pressing, the pain went away. "How's that?" He asked before standing up and helping me to my feet.

"Much better, thank you." I looked down at the cloak that I was lying on and found that it was light blue, the same as the one who said his name was Vale.

"Nice!" He said when he saw my cloak. "Another ice!"

I looked at him in confusion. "I'm sorry, I don't seem to know anything about this, could someone please explain."

The one with the red cloak, Kenna, stepped forward. "We," he gestured to himself and the six men around him and included me as well, "are wizards."

"I kind of got that. What I want to know is what a wizard is."

He nodded. "Well, a wizard would seem to be self explanatory, but I guess the nasty bump must have knocked all that out of your head. So, there are many different types of wizards. It is not specifically stated that different power marriage is forbidden, but it is strongly discouraged. It hasn't truly been tested but there are some that are not even thought of for obvious reasons. If, for example, a fire and water or ice wizard had a child, the child would either take on one power or would have potential for both.

"Sometimes, the child is able to choose which power they want, but those are times when both powers are the dominant ones. The child could be completely conflicted. Just the same, there are powers that could coexist peacefully such as earth and healing or water and ice. These powers are able to be used in harmony. On the side of that, the marriage could fall apart. The fire could be too hot headed while the ice could be too cold and shut off. A light wizard could be very bubbly and outgoing while a shadow is asocial and closed off. Does this help?"

I stared at him. "No." All that did was give me more questions to deal with, not that I was going to mention this to them.

Vale patted the older boy on the shoulder. "Let me try." Kenna nodded before moving back to rejoin the others.

"He explained more of the mixs, but what I think you're looking for is what a wizard is and how their powers work. Am I correct?"

I nodded, allowing him to continue. "When a wizard is born, it takes them about a year before their powers start to show. A mix may take a bit longer on account of the powers fighting for dominance. As the power becomes evident, small parts of the wizard's personality will appear as well. An earth will enjoy playing outside, a healing won't bruise easily since they will heal quickly, a water and ice will enjoy taking a bath. The way to tell a water from an ice is that the ice will prefer the colder water while the other will prefer warmer water. A light will always want a light on while a shadow will be very sensitive to light. A fire is the hardest to control while in the beginning stages. They will be cranky, like to stay in the kitchen or near the stove when the mother is cooking. As a result, most fires end up as bakers.

"The way a wizard works their powers is harder to tell than it is to demonstrate. Would you mind if we give you a show?"

I shook my head, signalling for them to go ahead. He at least explained how to identify a wizard if they don't have their cloak. Although, I wondered if the hair color had anything to do with the power or if they had just dyed it. Pulling a lock of my hair over my shoulder, I found that it was indeed a light blue, almost white. Looking at Vale's versus mine, his was darker with a few light highlights. I lowered myself back down onto what I guessed was my cloak while the seven men still set up.

They started first with the one introduced as Beryl, the earth wizard, walking into the middle of the clearing. The others were on one side while I was on the other. He knelt down and closed his eyes as he placed both his hands flat on the ground. After a few seconds, he raised them. The ground came with him, creating a small hill with a flat top. He walked off, leaving that there while Kenna, the fire wizard, walked up and pointed his finger at the mound. A large flame appeared on the top but didn't scorch the grass underneath. The one with the dark blue hair, Caol, came up next to him and put it out. He knelt on the ground just as Beryl had done, but when his hands came away, a large water bubble came with it. He directed it at the flame, allowing Kenna to walk back to the rest. Caol pulled more water from the ground and started playing with it, twisting it into intricate shapes. Vale came up next to him and froze the water. I watched in awe as the ice crystals quickly wrapped themselves around the water, freezing it solid yet still keeping it up in the air.

Kenna came back and melted the ice, allowing it to fall to the ground and get soaked up. All three men walked away, allowing three more to take their places. Akiro, the light wizard, held his hand in the sky as a ball of light began to grow in his palm. He allowed it to grow until it was the same size as his hand before Draven, the shadow wizard, grabbed his wrist. The ball of light seemed to sputter and shrink. Akiro grimaced as his face seemed to drain of color. The light almost looked as if it was being physically attacked, it squirmed and twisted as Akiro eventually fell to his knees. Draven immediately released him as Ackerley took over, putting his hand in Akiro's still outstretched one. Soon the color came back and he was able to stand back up with Ackerley's help.

I stood up, grabbing my cloak and throwing it on as I came towards them. It seemed to be muscle memory to clasp the cloak onto the ochre colored tunic that was over my brown tights. "That was amazing guys but what happened towards the end?"

Draven rubbed the back of his neck. "I've been working with my shadow powers since I was able to understand them, but I'm an orphan. I had no one to teach me how to use them so it's a bit unstable compared to the others. Also, since Akiro's and my powers are conflicting, we aren't the best when working together."

I nodded before turning to Akiro. "Are you alright?" I placed a worried hand on his shoulder.

"Yes, I'm alright, but could you remove your hand? It's cold."

"Sorry." I said as I took it off.

He gave me a bright, box smile. "It's fine. Ices seem to radiate a cold atmosphere and have a lower body temperature than others. It's another way to tell wizards apart. Fires have a high body temperature even in the winter, earths have a steady temperature, waters seem damp or the atmosphere will feel humid around them, lights glow in the dark slightly while shadows are able to see in the dark. Healings seem to be the same as earths but have more of a mothering instinct."

I tilted my head a little as I processed this new information. "So, fire wizards or fires, as Akiro called them, and ices are more likely to shed their cloaks, waters are going to be the one staring at the fountain in the center of town, earths are going to be interested in pottery or gardening, shadows are going to look like vampires while lights are going to have a very hyper personality? What I'm getting out of this is the healings are the normal ones but also good listeners."

They all smiled at me, minus Kenna who just stood there. "That's right. Are you remembering things now, miss...?" Draven stumbled over not knowing my name. As our conversation continued, they somehow managed to herd me down the road.

"Sorry, I was just repeating what I had gotten out of the things you guys are telling me. As to my name, I don't know."

Beryl started jumping around. "Oh, oh, oh, oh! Can we name her! Please?" He did puppy eyes and clasped his hands directly below his puffed out lower lip. His head swiveled between Draven, who seemed to be the leader and Ackerley, seemingly the eldest. "Pretty pleeeeeaaaaase?"

Ackerley looked at me. "Would that be alright if we give you at least a nickname? Something to call you besides just 'the girl'."

I nodded. "That's fine by me."

Each of the boys began spitting out names, only to be shot down by Ackerley and Vale.

"Keara."

"That's a shadow name, Draven. No."

"Serafina. She could be Sere for short."

"Kenna, that's a fire name, not an ice. Denied."

"Afra!"

"One, we're looking for ice names and that's an earth  name. Two, calm down, please, Beryl."

"Jora is a nice name. 'Autumn rain'."

Ackerley looked at Vale. The younger male got the message and hit the back of Caol's head. "That's close, but you need to freeze that." He said.

"Asia! Please, pick Asia!" Akiro hopped around, causing me to laugh.

Vale, however, was not amused. "No."

"Anahita."

"Caol." Draven looked at him.

"Yeah?"

"You got no jams. Be quiet." Caol pouted but obliged.

"Kalama."

"No, Kenna, try again."

"Nara. That's an ice name." Caol looked at the eldest with hope in his eyes.

Ackerley, in turn, looked at me. "What do you think? Do you seem like a Nara?"

I gently shook my head. "Sorry, but no."

"Come on guys, let’s keep trying."

"Why don't you try one Vale." Akiro sassed at him.

"I will. Once you guys are out of options."

"Levina."

"That's another light,Akiro."

"Koral."

“Denied!” The rest called.

I walked over to pat his shoulder. "Good try, but it doesn't fit me much." I said in an attempt to cheer him.

Ackerley snapped his fingers. "Eleanor!"

I shook my head again. "It just doesn't seem to fit. Sorry."

Kenna looked at me. "People can sense if a name is theirs. Don't apologize because it's not your name. Simply accept it and move on."

I smiled. "Thanks."

"Ainsley."

"Try again, Akiro."

"Ryo."

"Kenna, isn't that your sister's name?"

"I thought it sounded familiar. Oh, well."

"Levana, I'm quite sure it's an ice name."

"It's a nice name, but no."

"Kaia?"

"Nope, sorry, Beryl."

"Neci. That's a cool name."

"That's a fire name. There's nothing cool about it."

"Kimana, meaning butterfly. If you shoot this down, it becomes her nickname. Deal with it." Beryl put one hand on his hip as the other pointed a finger between the eldest and youngest.

The two boys looked at each other before focusing their gazes back on Beryl. "Nickname, yes." Ackerley said.

"Real name, no." Vale finished.

"Blake."

"Draven, that seems like a boy's name. No."

"Alright, Leila. 'Dark beauty'."

"Once again, we're looking for ice names. Stop giving us shadows ."

"Akiko."

"N to the O, Akiro."

"Fiona."

"She doesn't look it."

"Elvira!"

"Icess!"

Vale looked up from the road when Beryl and Kenna called the names out at once. "What about, Miyuki?" He said.

Ackerley looked at me. "All three are good names. Which one?"

I pondered it for a few minutes, watching my feet as we traveled on the dirt road. "What do they mean?"

Ackerley looked at me with a gaze that held a tint of pride in it, almost as if he was proud of me. "'Elvira' means 'white', Icess is a good ice name, and 'Miyuki' means 'snow'. Does that help at all?"

I looked at Vale. "I quite like Elvira. Although, I don't know how to actually use my powers. Could you teach me? Or at least give me a quick refresher course?"

He nodded. "Sure, Elvira." I smiled at my new name, Elvira, as well as my nickname, Kimana. It just felt right when they called me those.

Our whole group pulled off to the side of the road, the six others quickly forming a circle around us. Vale unclasped his cloak, allowing it to slide down his lean frame and unhinder his movements. Gesturing for me to do the same, he stepped to the center of the circle. I followed and mimicked his stance.

"Lesson one," he said, "you must let the cold embrace you. This is why we moved to the shade of the forest, also there is more dew here. Lesson two, you must have water near you, it helps. Hence, the dew."

I nodded. "That kind of seems obvious." I replied.

He chuckled. "You would be surprised. Moving on to lesson three, kneel down and put your hand flat to the ground, just as you saw Beryl and Caol doing."

I followed his instructions. "You need to reach down with your mind and try to find the water. Since your purpose is to freeze it once it comes up, the water may not want to come. Once you find it, call it to you. You must pull hard."

I looked at him. He had knelt next to me on one knee versus my both knees. "How do I do that?"

"Look inside yourself. Feel the inner wizard in the back of your mind. She is telling you what to do."

"Wait. Inner wizard? Like an inner wolf on a werewolf?"

"No. More like, the wizard instincts that you are born with. You will unconsciously know what to do. Try it."

I closed my eyes, blocking out all distractions that come with having seven gorgeous men in front of you. Searching my brain, I attempted to locate the 'inner wizard' he had been talking about. Sure enough, the knowledge was there. I used it to do as he had said, search for water. Ironically, there was a huge cluster right under Caol. I tried to get a bit of it, but heard the boys laughing. Opening my eyes, I made a very big mistake.

I had drawn more water than I should have and it ended up coming as a fountain and lifting the water wizard into the air. "I'm so sorry!" I said as I tried to pull the water towards me. Again, it was too hard and took Caol with it.

Luckily, he was able to take control of it and stop it. Vale created an ice slide out of it, allowing the boy to get down. Vale came towards me and put a hand on my shoulder. "Don't feel too bad. It's hard for the first timer."

Kenna snorted. "Says the one who was able to make an ice sculpture on his first try. You know, a skill only someone who had trained and honed their power for at least fifteen years could accomplish."

"When did he do this?" I asked as I stood up and retrieved my cloak.

"When he was ten or eleven." Beryl replied.

"Wahh." I exclaimed, trying to clasp my cloak. My fingers kept fumbling with the latch and I couldn't do it properly.

Just as I was about to give up, Vale came and clasped it for me. "You need to give your fingers a bit of time after using your powers. For an ice, they will feel frozen. You also need to put this back on as soon as you can. Ices cloaks are specially designed to insulate them and keep them at a temperature that they won't freeze but will still be able to work their magic. The cloak is a critical part of any wizards trade."

"Noted." I said as he stepped away. We all continued on our path. "Where are we heading?" I asked.

"We," Akiro said mysteriously, "are going to the city of Tueneraza."

"What the heck is that?" I asked, completely confused.

"It's the capital city." Draven answered.

"So, are there any other types of wizards besides the seven presented here? Also, are there any normal people who are not wizards?" I gestured to the seven boys with me.

"Yes, there are a few more." Beryl responded. "There are the animals and the winds, close cousins of mine. There are also the metals, but they are rare. As for the second, no, everyone has powers."

"Then why are they called wizards and not simply by their powers?"

"If you notice, we had introduced ourselves only by our powers. We call us wizards to distinguish between the element and the person. For example, if you asked me 'could you get me water?' and I brought over Caol instead of an actual glass of water."

"Interesting. Are there any special ones that resulted from mixes?"

"Like what?" Draven asked.

"Like, clouds. Would there be wizards with that power? If so, would they come from a mix of water and light? Are there any wizards besides the animals that can talk to the creatures?"

"Interesting questions." Kenna took over. "To answer them, not that we know of. However, there are still places that we have no idea what lives there."

"Cool." I said.

"I'm fire. I'm not cool.”

After a few hours more of walking, bickering, and bantering, we crested a hill and met one of the most awe-inspiring sights I had ever seen. The city lay in front of us in all of its glory. I saw a flash of light and looked to see a section of the city release a bright pulsing light. The boys, especially Akiro, seemed to get excited at this. They began to run, Vale dragging me along.

"Come on, Elvira! They're waiting for us!"

"Who and why?" I shouted as I ran with them.

Akiro grabbed my other hand. "My family!" He said, not answering the second half of my question.

We got there in no time and the gate opened for us. Akiro left us to run ahead and embrace an older couple with cloaks the same color as his, just a bit darker, standing outside what I guessed to be his home. The rest, including me, slowed down and approached them on a walk. We could hear Akiro shouting that he had missed his parents and siblings, making me wonder how long they had been separated.

"Guys, come on!" He said. We were obviously taking too long since he came over and grabbed two random hands, pulling Beryl and Ackerley along. "Mom, Dad, these are Ackerley and Beryl." He ran back for two more random hands, this time latching onto Draven and Vale, the latter dragging me with him.

"These are Draven and Vale. The girl is a new friend we found today. We named her Elvira." He ran back for Kenna and Caol, leaving it a bit awkward with us.

"These are the last of them. Kenna and Caol." He seemed like a child bringing his friend to meet his parents.

"They all look very nice, Akiro dear." His mother said.

"What do you mean by 'named her'?" His father asked, crossing his arms.

"Oh! We found her in the woods. We had heard a giant THUD!  and thought that we should investigate. So we walked and found a tree branch right next to her." He wrapped an arm around my shoulders but quickly pulled away due to the cold radiating off of me in waves. "Ackerley healed her of a nasty bump on her head and bruises all along the side that she fell on. When she woke up, she didn't know who or where she was. So, we named her and asked if she wanted to come with us. Now we're here!"

His parents looked at me. "What did you say they called you, miss?" His mother asked.

"We had decided on Elvira, Ma'am."

Beryl walked sideways until he was next to me. "I call her Kimana because I like that name."

"Isn't it an earths name though?" Akiro's father asked.

"Yes, but it works for her."

"Well, let's go inside. We're leaving tomorrow anyways." Akiro herded everyone into the house.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"We only came to this part since my parents want to meet with me at least once a month. Otherwise, I do my own thing."

"Okay. Where next?"

"Next, we're going to the ices' district. There, we can see if we can find your family." Draven said as he took off his cloak. Most of the others followed, but Vale and Kenna left theirs on.

"Is there a reason why you didn't take your cloak off?" I asked Kenna, knowing Vale's reason and deciding to keep mine on as well.

"Just like yours will warm you up, mine will cool me down. Especially in the presence of ices like you and Vale. It basically steals the cold you radiate. I could just stand next to you with both of us having our cloaks off, but that could hurt you since I radiate a temperature higher than what your cloak uses to keep you at your perfect temperature."

"Ah." I nodded and followed the rest.

"We'll stay for the night before moving out in the morn. It's too dark to travel right now, especially in the city with a lady with us." Draven said as we all came into what looked like the living room.

The room had pale yellow walls, not too sickly looking, not too bright, just enough to create a calming effect. The fireplace had a lit log in it, which Kenna gravitated to like a moth to a candle flame. He sat by it and looked at home. Akiro sprawled out on a soft-looking, brown chair. Draven was standing in front of the fire and to Kenna's left, allowing the red head to still see the whole room. Ackerley sat on the floor, leaning against Beryl's leg, who was sitting in a matching chair to Akiro's. Caol, Vale and I sat on a bench pushed against the wall. Akiro's parents were nowhere in sight.

We all nodded in acceptance of Draven's statement of staying. Akiro seemed glad. "Sleepover!" He shouted, pumping a fist into the air and letting off a bright flash.

Draven groaned at the light in his sensitive eyes while the rest of us laughed.

"Yay!" Caol said, equally as enthusiastically.

Vale jumped up from his position next to him. "You leaked!" He said.

"What!" Caol screeched. "I did?!" His enthusiasm quickly turned into alarm.

"Yes!"

"Where?!"

"Right there!" Vale pointed at a spot on the bench and froze it.

"Ah!" Caol cried out, not liking the cold.

"Boys!" Ackerley's voice rose above the ruckus. "Vale, defrost Caol right now!"

Vale looked at Ackerley with a clearly fake innocent face. "Sorry. I only know how to freeze, not un-freeze."

Ackerley sighed. "Kenna! Defrost the poor thing so he can shut up."

I clapped and pointed at him as Kenna came to do as he was told. "Savage Ackerley! I like this!"

"Ouch!" Caol's voice whined it's way back into my focus.

"Not sorry." Kenna shrugged before walking off, Caol now rubbing his burnt bottom.

"Vale!" He yelled. "I'm going to kill you!"

Vale stuck his tongue out at the older boy before running off, Caol hot on his trail. I took this opportunity to lie down on the bench, now that the water was gone. I had no idea what would happen if I had tried to freeze that water. It might have caused bigger damage.

"Hey, Kimana." Beryl came to sit on the floor a few feet away from my head. Looking at his previous seat, it was now occupied by a tired and dozing Ackerley.

"Hi, Beryl." I said as I looked back at him. "Did you need something?"

"No, I just wanted to see how you were holding up."

"Please, rephrase and expound on that." I asked.

He chuckled. "You fell out of a tree from probably a long way up, poor tree; failed at correctly using your power when, at your age, you should have at least gotten it under control; had to deal with seven noisy five year old brains stuck within the bodies of grown men; and just had three people scream in your ear. How are you not sleeping like him?" He gestured to Ackerley.

I smiled. "My stomach was waiting for food."

He nodded. "Understandable since we found you after lunch. Akiro's mom should finish dinner soon. He says that she normally has it done around the time he gets home."

As if she had been summoned, Akiro's mother stood in a doorway that I assumed led to the kitchen, where that heavenly smell was coming from. "Dinner's ready for whoever wants it." She said.

Akiro jumped up and ran over, giving her a bear hug. "Thanks, Mom." He said before passing her.

The others and I, minus Caol and Vale, quickly followed suit, giving her a brief bow on the way past. My bow went a bit deeper than the rest as I knew that she wasn't expecting me. Soon, a loud thunk was heard. We all looked up from the bowls of delicious stew to find Caol pinned under Vale.

"Hi, guys." He said awkwardly before the younger allowed him to get out of what looked to be some sort of wrestling hold. We all laughed at how stupid they looked before turning back to our dinner, Akiro pointing out where to get their portions.

Once we all finished eating, Akiro took us up to his room. He allowed the boys to crash on his massive bed and clean floor before taking me to the guest room close by. "Thanks again, Akiro." I said, standing in the doorway of what was to be my room for the night.

He gave me his box smile. "It's no problem. I only met you a few hours ago, but you seem like my sister already. Please, just call me Akiro from now on, alright, Sis?"

I giggled. "Alright. Goodnight, Akiro."

He threw a "Night, Sis." Over his shoulder before closing the door to his and the six others' room.

A few minutes after I had closed the door, a knock was heard on it. I opened it, thinking it was one of the boys. It turned out to be Akiro’s mother, who gave me a bright smile. "Hello, dear. Akiro told me that you didn't have any night clothes, so I brought you this." She handed me the bundle in her arms. "It was his older sister's before she grew out of it. She's now married happily so you can have the gown if you want."

"Thank you so much, Ma'am, but where will I store it?"

"Your cloak has pockets that can hold almost anything that can fit through the opening. As long as it's not full, the gown should fit in it."

"Thanks again. Goodnight, Ma'am."

"Goodnight, dear. Sweet sleep."

I closed the door and set the gown on the bed before looking about the room. It was a good sized bedroom, with a window that had the curtains drawn, blocking out the city sound while still allowing light to see by. Whipping off my cloak, I set it on the bed and found the pocket Akiro’s mother was talking about. Looking at the other side, there was another pocket in the same spot. I stuck my hand into one and patted around, trying to see if I could find anything to tell me who I was. I came out with a beautiful silver necklace that had Elvira written on the snowflake shaped locket.

"I guess it actually is my name." I muttered as I clasped it around my neck.

Digging further, I couldn't find anything else in that pocket. I moved to the other and came up with a strange whitish root thing. I put it back, intending to talk to Ackerley or Beryl about it tomorrow. Changing quickly, I climbed into the warm bed. It felt a bit suffocating, so I carefully folded the blanket down to the bottom of my bed, making sure that my cloak was off to the side and hanging on the back of the chair.

Day 2.

The next day, the sun shone beautifully through the guest room window. I got up, feeling refreshed and awake. Bouncing out of the still cold bed I made my way over to the chair I had laid my cloak on. I quickly pulled out yesterday's clothes from the pocket I had shoved them in before bed. Surprisingly, they were clean and ready to be worn. Even the few holes it had gotten from the fall were patched. I changed into them, carefully folding the night gown and putting it in the same pocket. It felt good to feel the cool metal of my necklace against my skin.

When I got downstairs, the boys were already at the table, halfway through their breakfast. "Good morning." I muttered as I served myself.

"Morning, Kimana." Beryl greeted me as I sat down next to him. The others quickly greeted me.

"Eat up, Elvira." Draven said. "We have a ways to go today. The city is vast and the ices live on the opposite side from the lights."

"Can't we just hire transportation?" Ackerley asked.

"No. The reason: everyone turn out their pockets."

Doing as Draven told us, we all emptied them out. I was shocked at what the youngest three had in theirs. "How the heck did you manage to fit a rock in your pocket, Akiro. Follow-up question, why do you have the rock in the first place?" I asked, incredulous.

Caol held out his hand. "You don't want to know." He warned.

"What's with your rock, Caol?"

" Mine is useful, his is not."

"How so?"

" Mine is what is called a wind stone. It can call wind and tell which direction it's coming from. There are such things as paired wind stones, which means that in addition to doing the actions already mentioned, it also knows where the other is. His, on the other hand, is just stone wind. It allows you to use wind as a messenger and hear wind in the rock. It's about as useful as a conch shell at the beach."

Akiro hit Caol's arm. "Not fair. My message might save a life one day." Seeing my confused expression, he continued. "Stone wind is only good for one message per stone. So, best make it count."

Looking at the others, Kenna also had a rock, but it seemed to be flint. Beryl had a small jar of dirt, Ackerley had herbs and bandages, Vale had a few coins in a small bag, and Draven had a rock that looked like a cross between Caol's and Akiro's only grey.

"What's the story behind your rock, Draven?" I asked, my curiosity taking over.

Kenna looked at me. "What are we doing, comparing rocks now?" He asked with sarcasm dripping from his voice.

Draven held up a hand. "It's fine, Kenna. My rock, as you so elegantly put it, Elvira, is called a shadow stone. It helps control my wayward shadow powers if I really need it. I try not to rely on it, but sometimes I have to use it. What do you have?"

I pulled out the root I had found last night. "I was only told about the cloak pockets last night by Akiro’s mother. I found this root-like thing and this necklace." I took it off and passed it around, putting it back on when it got back to me.

"May I see the root?" Beryl asked.

I nodded and handed it over. Since Ackerley was sitting next to him, they both examined it. "This is rare, Kimana." Beryl said as he gently passed it back.

"What is it exactly?" I put it back in the pocket as the others put their things back as well.

"It's a snow root." Ackerley said.

Vale perked up. "A snow root?! Don't tell me it's an actual snow root !" He leaned across the table to me. "May I see it?"

I pulled it back out. "Only if you calm down, alright?"

He nodded and I handed it over. He gingerly turned it over in his hands, as if he held a precious artifact. He let out a low whistle while looking at the whitish root. "Awesome." He whispered.

"What's so cool about a root?" I asked, slightly annoyed.

He looked at me. "This isn't just any ordinary root. This snow root comes from one of the deepest forests known to us. Very few who have ventured into it make it out alive, especially with something like this. If ground up, even a little bit will help control an ices powers, much like Draven's shadow stone. If we use just a little bit now, we can start to get that power of yours under control. We wouldn't even need that much of the root. Is that alright with you?"

I smiled. "It's more than alright. Thank you, Vale."

Draven cleared his throat, calling our attention back to him. "As you can see, really only Vale has money that we can use for transport, but it's not enough and we'll need it for lodging later." He said.

I furrowed my brows. "Can't we try to use Caol's wind stone thing?"

Caol sighed. "It can only call a breeze. You really need a wind wizard to enhance the power or get a bigger stone. Mine was a gift from an honorary uncle who was one. He tried to put as much power in it as he could but, it was on his death bed and he wasn't that strong."

"Wonderful!" Kenna exclaimed sarcastically. "We're stuck with walking. In the mud. With those four."

He was referring to Vale, Akiro, Caol, and Beryl, who were currently goofing off.

"What's so bad about that?" I asked.

He heaved a deep sigh. "Everything. They're loud, annoying, never stay to the path, always going off on side trails, and never stay out of trouble that we have to rescue them from." He gestured to himself, Draven, and Ackerley.

"Well, now you have me."

"That has yet to be decided if you're an asset or a hindrance." He muttered. Soon after, he stood up, sweeping his legs over the bench and walking away after putting his plate away.

"What's his problem?" I muttered as I finished up.

"Don't mind him, Elvira, he'll warm up to you eventually. Let's go to the yard." I looked up to find Vale standing next to me, holding his hand out to help me over the bench.

I accepted his hand, allowing him to lead me. He didn't let go of my hand as he led me through the house and to the backyard. Once there, he grabbed a stick and drew a large circle that was more or less closer to an oval. "Is that supposed to be a circle?" I asked with a bit of a giggle in my voice.

He glared at me. "Shut up." He completed the ovalish circle and stood up from his crouched position. It had been fun to see him duck walk around while drawing whatever it was that he drew.

"Nice, an oval. What do we do with it?" I asked.

"Were you born sarcastic or have you been spending too much time with Kenna?"

"It seems to come naturally, if that answers your question. Now, what to do with the oval."

"It's a circle. " He hissed at me as he removed his cloak. "Now, give me the root."

I grabbed it from the pocket and handed it over before discarding my own cloak. The warm sun shining down felt suffocating yet slightly pleasing but I immediately wished for the cold that comes with the cloak. It felt like I was going to burn to a crisp at any second. "Can we just start?"

My voice startled him out of his thoughts. "Hmm? Oh, yeah, sure." He looked around for a second before pointing at a pump in the corner of the yard. "There should be a tin cup by that. Fill it with water and bring it here, please."

I did as I was told, excitement buzzing through my nerves as I wondered if I might actually be able to control my powers today. I brought the cup back to see that he had finished with the root. There were three small shavings sitting in the palm of his hand. I finally noticed the hunting knife he carried at his belt as he put it away. Handing him the cup, my hand shook slightly as I thought about the last time I had tried to control ice.

"Calm down, Elvira. It's going to be fine." He said as he dropped the shavings into the cup. They dissolved almost instantly and the water remained clear. "Drink it." He said, handing it back.

I took it and threw it back like a shot of whiskey. It was cold and had a tang to it while giving an invigorating feeling. I was more awake than I had been and felt ready to take on anything. In short, it was like an instant sugar high. I was high as high can be.

I stood still, tilting my head to the side as I stared the water pump down. The water from the trough below the pump lifted slightly before freezing into a hailstone the size of a child's ball. It then started bouncing around the backyard, heading straight for Vale's head.

"DUCK!" I shouted, dropping to the ground.

"What the heck!" He called as he followed my directions, the ice flying over his head. It came to a stop when it hit the back of the house, resulting in a giant THUD that the occupants most likely heard.

Meanwhile, Vale was stalking towards my prone figure, still not moving from my position on the ground. "What on earth was that?" He asked with his hands balled into fists by his side.

"A big ice ball?" I said, my eyes widening slightly.

He glared back at me. "What did you do? I didn't tell you to do anything yet."

"I looked at it."

"Very funny. What really happened?"

I stood up with a bit of effort. "It's true. I just stared at it like this-" I moved to repeat my actions but his hand went in front of my eyes.

"Do not demonstrate! One dent in the house is enough."

"I dented it?!" My eyes widened as I stared at the house. "I didn't mean to!"

The door banged open and the rest of the group, plus Akiro's parents, came out, Ackerley in the lead. "What happened?" He called. "Is everything alright? Are you two hurt anywhere?" He ran to us, cloak billowing behind him.

Vale spoke without taking his eyes off me. "We're fine. I can't say the same for the house however."

I glared up at the giant man. "I said it was an accident!"

Ackerley went in between us, checking for cuts. "You're positive you're fine?" He clearly didn't believe him.

I pushed his hands away. "Yes, mother, I'm fine."

He put his hands on his hips. "I get enough sass from Vale and Kenna, I do not need it from you, young lady."

I lowered my head. "Yes, sir." I then raised it. "It technically wasn't my fault."

Vale threw his hands up. "How could it not be your fault?! I told you to drink the mixture, not to take it like a shot of beer before blowing a hole in the wall!"

"You should have been clearer in the instructions! You also left me alone after telling me, allowing me to do it. Therefore, it is basically your fault." I smiled, a smug expression clear on my face.

Vale spluttered. "This girl is impossible!"

"Then why do you try?" Beryl asked. Peering around Vale and Ackerley, I saw that he was almost finished with fixing the wall.

I walked past the others, moving to stand at his side. "Cool. I didn't think you could do that."

He chuckled, eyes never leaving the wall. "Think about the contents of the wall. It's just dirt, clay, and water. Basically, I can manipulate the dirt and clay back into place with Caol helping after I'm done. With that knowledge, what do think Caol will do?"

I thought about it briefly before responding. "He could gently place water on the wall, causing it to be sucked up by the clay and dirt and go back to being a wall, but that would result in a wet wall that wouldn't be able to hold the roof. He could also use the existing water that was in the wall to rebuild it."

Caol's voice came from behind me. "Very good, Elvira. That's logical thinking, so we at least know that that part of your brain wasn't damaged from your fall."

"Unlike your magic!" Vale shouted.

I glared back at him. "I told you what happened, you didn't want to believe me. You now have no room to talk. Shut it." I stormed over to my cloak, angry fingers taking a few tries to clasp it before I turned to Draven. "When do we leave?"

"As soon as they finish the wall." He said.

Kenna came over to me. "You have quite the temper for an ice, you do realize that, right?"

I shrugged him off, trying to block out distractions. Reaching into my inner being, I tried to reconcile with myself on why I can't use my magic properly, how I got here, who I truly am. I looked deep inside myself and found something that I couldn't quite recognize. It felt like a string that was calling me to pull it. When I did, it dragged me deeper into myself,to a place I didn't even know existed. Looking around, it was like nothing and everything I had seen before. I realized that it was where my memories were kept. Unfortunately, most of them were behind a stone wall that I couldn't get through. The majority of the ones I could get to were of the boys and me. A few shocked me, not just for being so out of place, but also for being about ten portal looking things on a wall that could fit hundreds. The rest must have been behind the wall.

I stepped towards them, first one, then another until I was directly in front of them. Reaching out, I touched the center one closest to me. Instantly, I was dragged through the portal to a place I didn't recognize.

✽✽

Kenna watched as Elvira shrugged off his help, closing her eyes and standing as still as can be. What seemed a few seconds later, she took a step forward, then another. He followed, unsure what was going on. Ten steps later, she collapsed, Kenna rushing forward to catch her before she injured her head even more. A small part of him wondered if hurting her head again would reverse the memory loss.

"Ackerley!" He called out.

Just as Kenna knew, Ackerley was by his side in a second, dramatically sliding a few feet away on his knees until he was next to the slightly younger male. "What's wrong with her?" He asked.

Kenna deadpanned at him. "I don't know, how about the healer take a look at her?" He asked sarcastically.

"Alright, alright." Ackerley said before examining her. "She had said she was fine but I shouldn't have trusted her." He muttered as he ran his graceful fingers over her scalp.

After a while he sat back on his heels, turning pitiful eyes to Kenna. "I can't find anything wrong with her. Maybe she's just lost in her mind?"

"She collapsed . How can that be 'lost in her mind.'"

"I've heard of this." He muttered. "People with a high brain capacity can actually delve inside their own brain, sometimes going in there for days. Our only choice is to take her with us until she recovers, which could take a few hours or a few days. We won't know until she wakes up."

Kenna sighed, preparing to carry her across the city. "Alright."

✽✽

When I came back to my senses, I looked around. I seemed to be some sort of ghostly figure. The weird thing was, my cloak was red, not light blue. Tugging on my hair, it was a very light red, almost strawberry with streaks of the previous light blue. I looked at my surroundings again and saw what seemed to be a younger version of the red me playing with my parents. They both had their cloaks off while I didn't have one yet. Looking at their hair, my dad's red while my mom's was the same light blue that I have. It would explain the ice name I have, why I have a hard time controlling my magic, and why I have a very short temper.

"I'm an ice and fire. That's why I get along with Vale and Kenna so well, because I have bits of both my parents personalities." I mumbled beneath my breath. "The ice must have been the dominant gene while the fire is the dormant. Or, am I missing something?"

Suddenly, my father looked up. Even though I was in a ghost form, he still seemed to be looking directly at me rather than through me. He walked towards me, leaving the younger version of me and my mom. "It's good to see you again." He said, kneeling to stick a hand in the red cloak that was at my feet.

"What do you mean? I don't understand anything, Daddy. I'm so confused."

He smiled up at me before standing up, an object clutched in his fist. "Ask Kenna to go into more detail about mixes, you'll understand more. For now," he stood up and faced me, "always remember that we love you very much." He placed the object into my palm and curled my fingers around it. "Take care of this for me, will you?"

"Will I be holding it when I open my eyes?"

"Good question. No, you won't. It will be in your left cloak pocket. Although, it may have upgraded slightly since you last saw it." He started walking away.

"Wait! What is 'it'? What do you mean by it may have upgraded?"

He stopped, looking back at me over his shoulder. "All in good time, my daughter. All in good time."

He kept walking away as I felt the pull of the portal behind me. There was nothing I could do as it pulled me back to the first room I came to. I looked around again and a few more portals were added to the portal wall. There were now double the number that there first were. Half of me wanted to stay and explore more, the other half telling me I need to wake up. I listened to the more boring, yet logical, part of myself and woke up.

✽✽

Kenna put Elvira down, her weight finally getting to him. "I'm done with this. Caol."

"Yes?"

"Water ball."

"Why?"

He looked at him. "Do I need a reason?"

"Nope. One water ball coming up." He began making it and was done in seconds, Vale coating it with a layer of ice thick enough that Kenna could hold it.

As soon as it was in his grip, Kenna dropped it on Elvira. "Kenna!" Ackerley called as he ran over.

Elvira sat up, wiping water off her hair and coughing slightly. Kenna looked at Ackerley, unrepentant. "It worked, didn't it?"

✽✽

I became aware of my surroundings again...just as a cold ball splashed onto my face. I sat up, spitting it out and trying to wipe most of it off. "It worked, didn't it?" I heard Kenna say.

I looked up at him. "I would so kill you right now if I didn't need your help with something."

"Oh, so scary. I'm shaking in my boots." He mocked.

Vale stepped over, hovering a hand over Kenna's shoulder. "I wouldn't test her. She almost whacked my head off the last time she used her powers."

"I actually found the reason for that, thank you very much, Vale." I stood up, shaking out my cloak.

Remembering what my dad had said, I felt around in the left pocket but felt nothing. "It's just like the old coal." I muttered as I dug around in the right pocket, the one that would have been his left. Finally, I came up with something other than the nightdress. Pulling it out, I almost cursed.

"What the heck is that?" Vale asked in clear disgust.

Kenna, on the other hand, was ecstatic. "Don't tell me that's what I think it is." He said, practically vibrating where he stood at the thought of what I held in my palm.

It was a dark, slightly porous rock, most likely obsidian. It felt heavy in my palm yet, it was a good weight. The thing that made Kenna so excited was that it had names carved into it with ice that didn't melt. He seemed to know exactly what it was so I handed it over to him.

"Yes! Oh my gosh, this is just what I was thinking of! Where did you get it?" He attacked me with his enthusiasm, starting us off down the road again by pulling my by the arm.

"I don't know what it is, even though you seem to. I got it from my father while exploring my brain. If you can even call it that."

"Nice. So, this is what is called a mix stone. Yes, another stone."

"Cute. What does it do?"

He glared at me. "It doesn't do much. It just tells us who your parents are and what their powers are. In most cases, the mother's power is used to write the names on a substance associated with the father's. For your case, Seymour Fireburn is your father while Kamryn Bayard Fireburn is your mother. It can be safe to assume that your full name is Elvira Fireburn. A very nice name for a mix."

I nodded. "Could you go into more detail about mixes, ices and fires to be specific? Dad said that you would know what I need to."

"That's true, I do know a lot about mixes. Once upon a time, I had researched them as a living. So, you are a fire and ice, huh?"

"Yeah. You said that they are rare and hard to control. What did you mean by that?"

"Well, think about it. Fire and ice are complete opposites, hot and cold. At one point it was thought that they were incapable of mating and actually producing a child. Many mixes are in danger of tearing themselves apart, especially ones like you. Their power development stages are the most dangerous since that is when their powers are fighting for dominance. This perfectly explains your lack of control over your ice."

"What also explains it, is that, according to what I saw, I used to be fire."

He stopped dead in his tracks, Draven bumping into his back. "Come again?" Kenna asked.

I took off the snowflake locket, struggling to open it. I wanted to see if my suspicion about the 'it' was correct. Once I did, I showed it to him. "There's me, and there's my parents. You can clearly see the red hair with streaks of light blue." I put the necklace back on as we continued walking, slowly migrating to the back of the pack. "What I'm wondering is how I changed from fire to ice."

He was staring thoughtfully at Ackerley's back, not truly seeing it. "It is possible." He muttered.

"Explain, please." I said, furrowing my brow.

He grabbed my arm, dragging me to the front where Draven was. As we passed Ackerley, he took him with us. He pushed me to Draven's other side while he kept Ackerley on his left. "I need a slight detour that could add as much as an hour or two to our journey. My question for you two is, do I just take the girl or does the whole group come?"

"Where are you going?" Draven asked.

"I'm going to the Central Library."

"It's not that far. What do you think, Ackerley? Should we let them go?"

Ackerley nodded. "I'm fine with it. Kenna can protect them and Elvira can cause damage if needed."

I pipped up from Draven's right. "I can also accidentally kill Kenna instead of the attackers. Don't try to use a broken weapon, guys."

Draven pointed at me with his thumb. "She has a point."

Ackerley shook his head. "Kenna can protect them. Besides, by inviting her to come with him, he is placing her under his protection by law. He has to take care of her. With that logic, they'll be fine."

Draven nodded. "I agree. You can go, just meet us at the Silver Eagle Inn and Pub by sundown. If you don't, we come after you."

"Deal." Kenna said before again grabbing my arm and dragging me away from the group. Behind us, I could hear the others asking questions.

"Where are they going?"

"What are they doing?"

"Can I go with them?"

"Why are they leaving us?"

They were asking more questions, but we were quickly lost in the crowd that I just now realized had been with us the whole time. Kenna's hand slipped down my arm until he was holding my wrist rather than my upper arm. He dragged me through the crowd, keeping me close or letting me go first in the tight spots. We traveled through the city for about half an hour and in that whole time he never let go of my wrist. We approached a gigantic building which Kenna directed me through as if he owned it.

We only stopped when we came to a section close to the back. Once we were there, he gently let go of me, placing his hand lightly on my shoulder and his head close to my ear. He was so close I could feel his lips graze my ear as he whispered to me. "How about you sit down at one of the tables, I shouldn't be long. It's cold enough in here that you can take off your cloak without overheating. I'll rejoin you shortly."

I did as I was told, sitting in one of the chairs in the corner and taking off my cloak. I laid it neatly on the table next to me before idly fishing around in the pockets. I turned up nothing more than the nightgown I had gotten from Akiro's mom. Looking closer, I found one small pocket in the middle of the back. Reaching in, I pulled out a small bag of powder, which I put back for Kenna to look at later.

Getting bored, I looked around. I was surrounded by books that seemed to be older than my family line, not that I could remember how far back we go. I would have read the one nearest to me but I was afraid of breaking it if I touched it so I opted for reading all the titles, counting as I went. I had reached at least two hundred before a heavy book was placed on the table and Kenna sat in the seat beside me. I quickly brought my head back to its natural position, having had it tilted back to read the higher titles.

Unfortunately, I had moved too fast and pulled a muscle slightly. "Ouch." I muttered, discreetly rubbing it.

He chuckled. "Yeah, that hurts. Anyways." He sobered within a second as he reverently placed a hand on the book in front of us. "This is the Book of Mixes. Centuries ago, a brilliant scholar brought all known information about them and put it into this book, adding his own notes in the margins or even within the text. I used to study this for hours on end every day when I was still a child."

As he was talking, he carefully opened the cover and flipped through the contents with confidence. He knew exactly what he was looking for and went straight there. My eyes were focused on his hands the whole time. They were slightly rough from recent physical labor but looked like the hands of a scholar, which he had been.

His fingers suddenly came up to snap in my face, breaking me out of my study of his hands. "Found it." He muttered as his other hand scanned down the page.

I leaned a bit closer so I could look over his shoulder. "What does it say?"

"It talks about a mix switching power. Here it is. 'A true mix can switch powers as many times as they want.'" He read off. "'Yet, they can only switch between their parents' powers. There are two ways of doing it. The first yet least common is that a traumatic event must take place in their life. The second and more common but still slightly more rare than mixs themselves is that they can train their mind to change between powers. This is easier done if both parent powers are of equal strength, light and shadow as example.’” He looked up at me.

"What does that mean for me?" I asked.

He sighed, both of us leaning back in our chairs. "It means that you must have switched powers, simple as that."

"But how? I don't remember any traumatic event, unless the tree counts but I don't remember that, and I think I would remember if I had trained my mind to do it."

He snapped his long fingers. "There is a way. Back to the depths of the shelves." He held out his hand. "Shall we?"

"Wait, you want me to come with you this time?"

He nodded, his gummy grin on display now that he was in familiar territory. "The last time I wasn't sure how long I would take. This time, I know exactly where this book is since it's seldom used."

I nodded in excitement as I eagerly put my hand in his. "Sure, let's do this."

He pulled me up, grabbing my cloak from the table and handing it to me to hold while he carried the Book of Mixes. He led me through the labyrinth that is the bookshelves, heading deeper into the Library. I smiled at how he nodded to the few bookworms that we passed, wizard and actual worm. Fascinating creatures, bookworms. I may need to look up more about them later but for now, Kenna stopped. I almost bumped into his back, he stopped so abruptly.

He turned around. "Sorry about that, but we're here." He moved to the side for me to see a large bookcase.

Somewhere along the way, he had disposed of the Book of Mixes so he was able to scramble up the ladder like some sort of spider monkey. I took a few steps back while looking up in order to keep him within my sights. He stopped at one shelf and slowly scooted the ladder to his right. I could see his hand moving along the spines, reading each one he came across until he finally pulled one out and practically flew down to the ground.

"Found it!" He said, holding it up in the air.

I looked at it, then back at him. "What am I looking at?" I asked.

He frowned, slowly lowering the ancient book back to his side before clasping it in both arms. "Vale's right. You can be rude." His lower lip came out slightly in a mock pout.

"I'm sorry, I don't have a filter and I really want to know what I'm doing." I spoke honestly, trying to get back on his good side.

He nodded, transferring the book to one hand so he could hold the other up in defeat. "Alright, alright. No need to get touchy."

He led the way back to the table, placing the book on the surface before seating himself again. He gestured for me to sit down. I did so, again leaning over his shoulder. Just as before, my eyes were captivated by his hands as they sped through the book, this time pausing every now and then to scan a certain page before going back to flipping. His hands once again stopped at a specific page before he turned his head to look at me.

"Right here." He said, pointing at a paragraph. "It says," he turned his head back to read it out loud but still quiet. "'To train one's mind to conquer their powers, one must have a high IQ. They must also have patience and endurance. It will take time. If they try hard enough, a mix has the ability to change between their parent powers. Not only will their power change, but also their hair. It is most wise to have a spare cloak that corresponds to that power to make for easier switching. Depending on the experience level of the mix, it can take from two minutes to two hours to change powers.' It goes on to describe how you are able to change. Do you want to try it, see if any of the steps seem familiar to you?"

"Heck, yeah I do. If it means figuring out which power I can control better, fire or ice, then I'm willing to try. Where do you want to do it, just in case it gets ugly."

He thought for a minute before grabbing my wrist and dragging me from my seat, him picking up the book while I grabbed my cloak. I got tired of carrying it around, so I tied the sleeves carefully around my waist. Eventually, Kenna stopped just long enough to push open a door before continuing onward. We came to another halt as we were faced with yet another intimidating piece of wood. He pushed it open with his shoulder, gesturing for me to go first. I gave him a quick mock curtsy before going in.

I was met with a large room that matched the imposing door we had to get past. It seemed like it was an abandoned ballroom, which is crazy since this is a library. Kenna came up behind me and guided me over to a table with a hand on the center of my back. "Yes, this is a ballroom." He muttered into my ear as he placed the book down and turned it back to our page.

I moved to face him. "Can you read my mind now?" I asked sarcastically.

He smirked. "No. It's just what everyone thinks when they see this room." He turned to survey the grand room, his hands clasped elegantly behind his back. "The Central Library used to be a palace until a stupid king decided to make a new one in a different spot, close to the city wall. Not easily defended. The old palace became the Library, only a few modifications necessary. Most of the bedrooms were converted into sections of the library while a few remained bedrooms for the librarians. This room did not have a purpose in the new library and was easily forgotten. Now, shall we start?" He turned, cloak flaring slightly as he strode back to the table.

"You know, you do cut a very dashing figure." I muttered.

He turned to me, smirk still in place. "My thanks, I do try."

I waved a hand at him, trying to appear nonchalant. "Just read the first instruction."

He chuckled. "Sit in the center of the room and close your eyes. You have to trust me for this."

"Surprisingly, I do." I said over my shoulder as I unhesitatingly made my way to the center, laying down.

I once again heard his chuckle. "I said sit , not lay down . Up, please, Elvira."

I sat up, eyes still closed. "I'm ready."

I heard the sound of his boots against the floor, coming in my direction. The rustle of cloth and a small grunt told me that he was sitting in front of me, the book most likely on his lap. "Alright. Next, you have to reach into your mind. Back to where you had gone in the backyard. But first, I want to know if you had heard anything we had been saying when you had gone there."

I shrugged. "I don't really remember. I was more focused on figuring out what the place was. Can you go ahead and give me the step after that, just for good measure?"

"You need to find any memories of using the other power, in your case it's fire, and see if you can call it. I recommend the simplest trick, a small flame dancing above your palm."

"Nice. Simple, yet elegant. I like the way you think, boy."

"One, I'm older. Two, just do it."

"Alright, grandpa."

I reached inside my mind for the second time today, finding the string easily. I tugged it, allowing myself to be pulled back into my mind's room. Instead of looking around, I headed straight for the fire wall. Scanning the portals, I grabbed a ladder that was nearby and propped it up. The twenty that I had last seen were still there, along with three more. Looking at the new three, I saw myself playing with the flames in the middle one so I decided to touch that one, instantly getting sucked into the memory.

Unlike last time, I was actually seeing this as first person rather than seeing myself. It may have been that I had only heard stories of that memory that it had turned into a half memory. Anyways, I looked around, not disrupting the scene. I reach into the thoughts that came with the memory, thoughts that are strangely clear. I see how I am forming the fire on my palm and memorize it, committing it to my current memory and making sure that I have it down before I pull back.

I open my eyes to see the ballroom, now slightly darker yet lit by candles. "How long?" I asked.

"About an hour, maybe longer. We have another three-quarters of an hour to meet the group at the Silver Eagle." Kenna was still sitting in front of me. I could now see that he was sitting Indian style with the book closed and off to the side. "Now," he said, "let's see what you've got. Your hair changed, that's for sure."

I pulled a lock over my shoulder and found it to be an almost strawberry red with streaks of light blue running through it. It must have been stunning. Focusing on my palm, I thought back to how I had seen myself do it in my memories. I called the fire from within me rather than the ground like the ice. It easily came and stayed controlled in my hand.

I looked up at Kenna in shock. "Cool!"

"No. Fire is hot, not cold. Ice is cold. Did you mess up your head in there or something?"

I let the small flame dissipate before pushing his shoulder. "Brat."

He gently pushed my shoulder back. "Rat."

It became a shoving war, both of us taking turns hitting the other's shoulder and saying a playful insult. The game didn't last long as we both soon grew tired of it. Kenna eventually stood, helping me to my feet before allowing his eyes to scan my figure. I gave an exaggerated twirl.

He smirked slightly. "You should probably let me put your cloak in one of my pockets. It's safer for a person to walk around without a cloak than with the wrong type."

I agreed, handing it over. "I will get it back once we rejoin the others, right?"

"Yeah, sure. Let's go." He grabbed my wrist and pulled me out of the ballroom, depositing the book on a cart filled with similar ones before we made our way out the door.

"What is it with you dragging me around?" I muttered. "Is it fun for you or is it instinct?" I liked the way it made me feel cared for so I wasn't complaining, simply asking a question.

"Hmm?" He looked back at me, then down at his hand on my wrist. "Sorry." With one fluid movement, he moved his hand from clutching my wrist to intertwining his fingers with mine, holding my hand. "This better?"

I sighed, giving up on him. After a half hour straight of sitting cross-legged on the ground, it felt good to be walking. I surveyed my surroundings, looking at the tall buildings around us. There were people everywhere with all different cloaks. I saw the colors that I had become accustomed to: red for fires, green for earths, brown for healings, dark blue for waters, yellow for lights, grey for shadows, and light blue for ices. Mixed in with that are crème colored ones that seemed to be in constant movement, obviously winds.

The animals were the most interesting to see. They had cloaks that looked like animal skins, which I guessed told of a specific type of animal while there were others who simply had a bright orange. The mixs seemed to get the most fun with theirs. Some had it like stripes, others had solid halves, still others had it as their dormant being spots on their dominant background. I wondered how many of them decided to keep their second power hidden and walk around with a normal cloak.

My attention focused back on Kenna, his dark red hair that just barely brushed the tops of his eyes and the back of his neck, his shoulders that were almost as broad as Ackerley's. Now that I was walking next to him, I could see that I came up to his shoulder. He wasn't as tall as the others, about average height for a man.

"Enjoying the view?" Kenna's voice broke me out of my revery.

"I might be." I teased back.

He chuckled, briefly squeezing my hand. We kept walking for a while, staying on main paths, until we came to a part of town that seemed cozier than the rest. As if less crime went on here, if that's even possible. It looked friendlier, that's for sure. Nestled between a cobbler and cloak maker was the Silver Eagle. It had a beautiful sign above the door, proclaiming what it was. Kenna pushed me over to a side alley before turning me around to face him.

"How about we have a bit of fun shall we?" He asked with a wicked grin.

"How?"

"I give you back your cloak and you keep the hood up until we get to their table or room. Before we go in, we can stop off at the cloaker and get you a red one. I'm definitely not letting you use mine."

I shrugged. "I'm game for both. Also, don't get so defensive of your smelly old cloak anyways. As you said, you're older than me, you never know how much junk you have stuffed into the pockets."

He gently whacked the back of my head before walking out of the alley, me on his heels. It took us about a quarter of an hour to get the measurements for the new cloak and for me to pick the shade of red. The cloaker had assured us that we could pick it up in the morning.

It took my eyes a second to adjust to the dark interior of the pub part of the Inn and Pub. I had retrieved my ice cloak from Kenna and now needed to endure the chilly atmosphere within it while we tried to find the others. They were hiding at the back of the pub, a few already having mugs of beer. I laughed when I saw that Vale was stuck with lemonade.

"Pull up a chair!" Akiro said as soon as he caught sight of us.

I had my hood up so I just nodded as I sat between Vale and Kenna. "Do you want anything?" Ackerley asked.

"Maybe food and a lemonade." I replied.

Kenna nudged my arm, leaning over to talk to the others. "Says the girl who just laughed at the youngest for having lemonade."

I pushed him away. "That's different."

"How so?"

"He's male . It's expected behavior for him to have beer. I, on the other hand, am fe male, meaning that I'm expected to have a lady-like drink."

"Then someone get the girl a glass of wine."

I chuckled. "Very funny, grandpa."

He scowled. "I don't even know how old you are but you shouldn't disrespect your elders."

"Ha! For all we know I could be the eldest at the table, so shut your mouth, young man."

Beryl burst out laughing at my statement, almost falling out of his chair if Caol hadn't grabbed him and shoved him back. "It seems that you two have gotten close in the space of your two hours together." Draven observed.

I looked at Kenna. "We found mutual subjects, yes."

"Really?" Vale said. "Name three?"

Kenna smirked. "One, we are both sarcastic."

"How is that a 'mutual subject'?"

Kenna continued as if he hadn't heard him. "Two, we have found a mutual love for all things relating to books."

"Well, you know I'm an avid reader, Kenna." Beryl said. "You could have come to me if you wanted to talk about books."

He again ignored the interruption. "Three, we both like a certain subject that would not appeal to Beryl. Shall we show them, Elvira?"

I nodded. "Now, or later?" I knew he wanted me to do it now, I just wanted to keep them in suspense for a little while longer.

Ackerley leaned forward. "Now you have to show us." He said before Akiro pulled him back in his chair.

"Alright, give me a second." I said, motioning with my hands for them to settle down. Kenna nodded at me as I slowly pulled my hood back before letting it fall to my shoulders, exposing my new hair.

"Nice!" Akiro yelled as he leaned forward, gathering a few stares from surrounding tables. "You got your hair dyed! Although, you missed a few parts." His face turned serious as he studied the 'missed' parts.

I giggled. "Akiro? Never grow up."

"You see," Kenna said, "I've been telling him the complete opposite since I first met him. Now, you're just ruining my hard work."

"Like you were getting anywhere with the three year old." Vale mumbled before taking a sip of his lemonade.

While they were busy arguing, either Ackerley or Draven had ordered food and it arrived as they were still debating on whether to let Akiro grow up or not. I left them to their talk while I dug in, not having anything since breakfast this morning and it now being evening. Kenna was eating calmly beside me while still talking with the others.

Once we were finished eating, Draven cleared his throat. "Alright. I have a few important questions before we go to our rooms. Elvira, are you comfortable with sleeping in the same room as us or do you want your own room?"

I smiled at their care of me. "I think I would feel safer in the same room as you guys."

He nodded. "Good. Now, since they only allow four to a room and we have eight, who wants to room with who?"

The debate for rooms went on almost as long as the Akiro's age one did. It was eventually decided that Ackerley, Beryl, Caol, and Vale would share one room while Kenna, Draven, Akiro, and I would get the second room. Draven had already rented the rooms, so we all just went up and said goodnight at the doors.

I found a way to hang my cloak in the corner in a way that would allow me to change without the others seeing. I stayed there until they said I could come out, them having finished changing as well. Most of them had changed into what looked to be thin shirts and pants but Akiro didn't even bother with the shirt. I giggled at him and his cheeky grin before putting my cloak on the ground, inside facing the floor, so I could use it as a mat. Laying my head down, I felt something slightly poking into my arm. Looking at it, it was the bag. I pulled it out and turned to look at Kenna, who was already asleep. I shook my head and put it back, determined to ask him tomorrow. That night, I fell asleep to the comforting sound of the others' breathing.

Day 3

I woke up the next morning feeling a bit disjointed with the world. The others were still sleeping so I quickly got dressed, eyes still trained on the sleeping forms of the three grown men. I smiled as I saw that Draven had laid in front of the door, ready to use his shadow powers to defend us if needed. I then frowned as I realized that the door opened inward, leaving me with no way of seeing if the four boys in the room next door were awake. I leaned against the wall, tapping lightly. Surprisingly, someone tapped back.

I whispered the first name that came to mind. "Caol?"

"Wow, the walls are thin." I had guessed wrong, it was Vale. "Also, good morning, Elvira."

"Morning, Vale. Are the others up or is it just us?"

"Um, I don't know."

"Sorry, did I wake you?"

"Nope." Even so, it didn't sound convincing.

"Sure. You do realize that you have a slight hitch to your voice and it goes up when you lie?"

"As well as when I sing, but that's irrelevant."

"Now I'm curious. Can you sing without waking the others?"

"I can sing while waking them, they need to get up anyways."

I laughed, putting a hand in front of my mouth to keep it down. "I can't stop you, go for it. Just, don't wake the guests on your other side."

"Shoot, I forgot about those guys. Oh, well, let's get the others up."

I heard him start singing. I have no idea what language we are using since I instinctively started using it, but he swapped to a different language that was beautiful in the way it flowed off his tongue and out his mouth. It was soothing while being totally foreign to me. Soon enough, I heard Caol start shouting before Vale shushed him. Caol seemed to be in the same language as Vale was because I have no idea what he was yelling. Eventually, once he was calmed down, I could hear Caol sit down on the other side of the wall.

"Good morning, Elvira." He said.

"Morning. What did he do, freeze you?"

"Yeah, was I too loud?" I could imagine him rubbing the back of his neck.

"A bit. I didn't mind it, but I can't say the same for the neighbors. What was that you were speaking with Vale just now?"

"Well, that's a language that all of us know. Do you want to learn it?"

"Sure. Maybe you could teach me a bit at breakfast?"

"Fine with me."

I had my head leaning back against the wall, eyes closed as I conversed with the other side. My head shot forward and my eyes flew open when a weight suddenly found its way onto my lap. I held the back of my neck in pain while looking at the red mop of hair attached to the person who's head currently occupied my lap.

"Kenna, what are you doing?"

"You guys are so loud. Also, you really need to stop moving your head so fast. Ask Ackerley to deal with it later. For now, shut up."

Another tired voice joined us from the other room. "Good morning, Kimana, Kenna."

"Morning, Beryl." I said.

Absentmindedly, I started to run my fingers through Kenna's hair, only realizing it when he nuzzled my hand. "Sorry!"

He chuckled. "Just keep going, it feels good." I did as requested, Kenna being in a talkative mood. "I blame this on Beryl."

"How so?" He piped up from the other side. "Wait, what is getting blamed on me?"

"Me turning into a half cat." Kenna retorted. He once again nuzzled my hand, this time placing his own on top of mine and moving it until I picked up on his intent.

"Oh. Yes, you can blame that on me."

"He always wants to be pet if he's had a bad day." Kenna explained.

"I didn't ask."

"Sometimes, your body language gives you away."

Draven woke up with a start, muttering something about not breaking something. He looked around and tried to keep his eyes open. He briefly waved at us before collapsing back onto his cloak.

"Good morning to you too, Mr. Not-a-morning-person." I muttered as I scratched Kenna behind the ear.

Kenna actually giggled. "How long did you stay up, man?"

"Quite late. Why, is it obvious?"

"Kind of." "Yes." Kenna and I both answered at the same time, Kenna coming right out to say it as I tried for the nicer approach.

Draven laughed. "Thanks. You guys are so helpful."

Looking around the room, Akiro was still asleep while I could hear all the boys from the other room moving around. I felt myself drifting off to sleep again and allowed it to claim me, for some reason sensing that we won't be moving out any time soon.

✽✽

Our lives were intertwined from that day forward, we became family. We were all constantly there for each other, backing one another up. It seemed that we took on a moto, just like a band of fighters from old, "One for all and all for one." We were forever there for each other.

I learned how to control my ice and sporadically changed powers to keep it interesting and the boys on their toes. It was fun watching the others prank each other, even more so when they pulled me into the planning. I found that I preferred ice but loved to use my fire as well. Vale and Kenna taught me how to do tricks with the respective elements. The small bag of powder that I had found turned out to be a color changing powder. If sprinkled on the cloak, it would change it to whatever color I desired. I had fun changing occasionally to the others colors and confusing them.

The End.

[iblamemikegreen]

nobody talks about the destruction that being sexually abused as a child actually causes

ramblings by a survivor fighting to survive: pt 7

narcissism (noun) - selfishness, involving a sense of entitlement, a lack of empathy, and a need for admiration, as characterizing a personality type.

my mother was beautiful. it’s true. a real bonafide beauty queen. armed with poise, grace, talent, natural beauty, carefully practiced soft spoken words, and a constant polite smile. 

so shiny and perfect and wonderful. on the outside.

on the inside, however, she was one of the ugliest people to have ever stepped foot on this earth. she was mean, vindictive, manipulative, vain, narcissistic, cruel, selfish. ugly.

another doll in the dollhouse. fooling everyone she came in contact with, having them all think that she was so demure and innocent. 

when I was 11 and finally came forward about being repeatedly sexually abused for 6 years by my own grandfather (my mother’s father), my mother decided to sacrifice my safety and well being in order to protect her “Christian reputation.” 

“this is embarrassing” “what will the rest of the church think of us?” “Lindsey don't say anything to anyone about this, it’s shameful and gross” “I cant believe this is happening to me”

she never told me that it wasn't my fault. because she blamed me for ruining her perfect world. her perfect family. her perfect image. 

instead of blaming my abuser, she blamed me, the terrified and lonely 11 year old victim.  

she made the abuse that I had to endure, about herself. her permanent victim mentality bled through into everything, even her own daughter’s sexual abuse. she decided to stick her head in the ground like a coward and pretend like the abuse didn't happen, and if I ever tried to bring it up or exhibited a behavior attributed to PTSD she would cry and make it all about herself. because everything was always about her. always. 

more often than not, I find myself wishing that I had a mother that loved me. but she never did, and she never will. so I've decided to lay it all out in the open here and write a public letter to her in order to obtain the closure I need to move on with my life:

Dear Stephanie,

I would like to start off by saying that you lost the right to refer to yourself as my “mother” the second you decided to protect the man who destroyed my childhood instead of protecting me. because of you, the monster that ripped away any sense of safety, happiness, comfort, trust, and humanity from me didn't go to jail. he wasn't even registered as a sex offender. a cretin that sexually abused his own granddaughter from when she was the ages of 5-11 wasn't even registered as a sex offender because YOU and your wretched family cried to the judge and prosecutor because you wanted to protect your false pious reputation. what you did was beyond the realm of evil, and I hope you feel shame for it for the rest of your empty pathetic existence.

when I was 13 I overheard you while you were talking to your morally bankrupt mother on the phone. you were complaining about how I “wasn’t getting any better.” and how “it was embarrassing that I couldn't just let the past go.” well, while you tried to pretend like the abuse just never happened, I couldn't. you don't know what it’s like to have someone hold complete power over you. you don't know what it’s like to live in desolation as a child, fearful of being trapped in a room alone with your grandfather because you know he takes pleasure in hurting and destroying everything that you are. you don't know what it’s like to have your innocence and childhood completely ripped from your tiny fingertips before you even know how to spell your own fucking name. you never even bothered to try and understand the pain and suffering I had to endure. you didn't care about anything other than yourself, and your public image. 

you never apologized. and you never will, because you’re too far gone to even being to understand the calamity of your shitty parenting, and your heinous decisions. you created your own false reality, and separated yourself from the true world because all you wanted was attention. me being the victim of sexual abuse was just too much of the “spotlight” not being directed to you, so you decided to make yourself the victim in all of this. any mention of what I had to endure and you’d cry, asking why this happened to you. your reputation, your family, you you you you you you you. 

a few years after the “scandal,” as you so gracefully put it, happened, you and I were shopping at the mall. all of a sudden you pulled me aside into a store, giggling as you did so. when I asked what was going on, you pointed across the hall and there he was. the monster that tortured and molested me for six years, walking with his enabler of a wife, hand and hand, shopping at the same mall as us. you were treating it as if it were some kind of innocent game of hide and seek. acting as though me having to see the embodiment of detrimental and ground wavering fear and pain was no big deal. you got angry at me when I started crying, because I was ruining your shopping trip.     

you’re impossible to reach, because you don't even exist anymore. you just don't get it. you’re not even human. you’re just a phantom, remnants of some washed up beauty queen who was so narcissistic and vain that she couldn't stand her own daughter surviving life destroying trauma at age 11 because it drew attention from you. 

you were my biggest bully throughout the entirety of my life. no matter what I did, it was never good enough for you. or maybe it was, and you just thought it was fun to build me up one step, then cut me down five steps. I was always too ugly, too fat, too smart, too stupid, too untalented, too poorly dressed, too bad at makeup, too this, too that, not enough this, not enough that. it was exhausting, talking to you. being around your suffocatingly negative and jealous aura. you were so insecure about yourself and your fading beauty queen looks that you took it all out on your only child, like a miserable old hag. and yet you wondered why I never wanted to cultivate a relationship with you. 

I still vividly remember the moment I realized that you never loved me. it was June 2010, I was 15, and you and my dad were in the midst of a stressful divorce. it was stressful because you refused to leave the house, even though you weren't welcome, because you just loved to make everyone around you completely miserable; but I digress. we were sitting in your car in front of the house, and I told you that when the divorce was finalized I wanted to live with my dad full time, and for him to have full custody of me. it was then that you turned, looked directly at me, and said, “Lindsey that’s not fair. I don't want to have to pay child support.” you truly a miserable monster, just like your mother, and just like your father.     

there aren't enough words in this galaxy to explain how much you completely and utterly failed me in every aspect of being a mother. and honestly, I just don't have the time to waste on you anymore. I'm writing this to fully stop all of these thoughts, all these words left unsaid, from continuing to circle around in my brain. you aren't worth the stress, you really aren't. I cant even remember the last time I spoke to you, or saw you, because I cut off all contact years ago. maybe once upon a time I needed you as my mother, but when I realized that you were never one to begin with, that need faded. I grew strong on my own. I am who I am because I made me, and I did a hell of a good job. you don't get to take any credit in my successes, in my life, in my survival, because you are nothing to me. congratulations, Stephanie. you finally get what you’ve always wanted, the unwavering heat of the spotlight, because I'm exiting your stage for good. 

I don't forgive you, I'm not sure I ever will. because you don't deserve it. saying, “I'm sorry for whatever I may have done to upset you,” is NOT an apology. it’s not even a small step in taking actual accountability. but I don't expect much from someone as selfish and fake as you.

before you try to pretend to cry and say that I'm being mean to you, just know this, you aren't a victim. I'm not your true adversary here. you are your own worst enemy. these are just the consequences to your own narcissistic and evil actions, and you have to live with them forever in your empty, loveless, fake life.

you’ve always preached about how much of a “good christian” you are, and threw me away in order to protect that precious reputation of yours, so I'll end with this: I hope you’re somewhere praying.  

Sincerely,

The Daughter Who No Longer Thinks Of You

[tenpin-boleyn]

any stand out moments from the show yesterday? did you stage door and if you did how was it? :)

Hi this is my second time answering this because I’m an absolute dumb fuck who deleted the entire post before saving it :)

It was over 1000 words and I can’t be bothered to type it out again which is annoying but mainly because it’s over 23° here and it’s so muggy I hate it

•Ex-Wives. It was amazing, I cant find any faults at all. Pure talent from 6 women that make me so gay. Also Aimie Atkinson kept on making eye contact (perks of front row lmao) and I fucking died

•Grace Aragon. Amazing. Her vocals were off the charts and she danced in front of me a lot and Gay Panic™

•MILLIE OCONNELL THE GODDESS HERSELF. She nailed DLYH and tried to change it up vocally which was nice and refreshing but mills I miss your southern accent please come to my town in a non creepy way? She was so energetic and her skirt was swishy™ and I had another Gay Panic™

•Courtney fucking Seymour. Amazing. Emotional. Talent to spare. She made my cry. She is so talented and has amazing vocals I can’t- she was my mums favourite

•Ah yes. Haus of Fucking Holbein. The drug trip itself. It did not disappoint. Flossing galore, German jiving, and Aimie Atkinson Irish dancing in front of me. Gay Panic™ round 3. During the tinder scenes Millie was pulling funny faces at me the whole time and I just couldn’t handle it. I pulled a face back and because of me she missed her cue :) I’m very proud of that fact. Should that be my new bio? Mood. My mum also never expected a massive German rave and her reaction was priceless.

•Get Down. Ho ho holy fuck I love Vicki Cleves. It was my first Vicki show and she nailed it. I love her sm. and then she directed the Gold Digger line at me and cue another Gay Panic™ because Vicki was talking to me for a full 30 seconds. Oh and Millie was smiling at me behind Vicki and have I mentioned I love her?

•AYWD: amazing. Made me cry. Made my mum tear up. It was my first Aimie show and I wasn’t expecting much. She seemed quite stiff and bland on BGT and the Oliviers so I was kind of meh about her. But Aimie took that and threw it at Henry’s corpse. She blew me away. PURE TALENT. Gay Panic™ part 5? She started so energetic and cutesy and transitioned to traumatised so easily and beautifully she really wanted to kill us all huh? So yeah I’m now an Aimie Stan xo baby

•The Aragon vs Boleyn argument scene was so well done yesterday I was- you’ve guessed it Gay Panic™. I had a point in the last essay but I can’t remember it now so. Oops

•IDNYL. Hi I’m very gay for Maiya and Catherine Parr. That’s all I need to say. She was amazing. Her emotions were- I can’t put it into words how perfect she is as Parr. Do you guys know the ad Green Giant? Think of the jingle but instead of Green Giant it’s Gay Panic

•Six. Lots of eye contact. Lots of energy. Lots of love for those women.

•Megasix. Hi I’m still finding that confetti in my bag. I won’t say too much about it because I’ll post the video and I’m lazy but let’s just say it was amazing and I was shaking.

AND THEN I STAGEDOORED

•They roped off the stagedoor to keep some order. It did not work. At all. But they tried xx

•Grace came out and I got a selfie and she was really sweet I love her

•Nobody else came out except the goddess herself MILLIE O’CONNELL.

•She was racing through everyone to get food (same girl) and took photos etc but when she got to me she recognised me (cue Gay Panic™ number too many to count at this point) she was literally chatting with me for ages about Turkish Rugs, Vicki picking on me, finishing my first year of college etc and then we got a selfie and it’s the purest thing I’ve ever seen. She’s literally the kindest person I’ve ever met, I know we love her for her chaos but she’s such a beautiful person on the inside and outside, she would do anything for anyone, we don’t deserve her.

Sorry for the ramble, feel free to ignore this I just needed to get this out 😂

[wikipediathefreeencyclopedia]

compilation of my favorite otp prompts 5

tag

cute weather/seasonal AUs your OTP [x]

when it rains

who wears the designer raincoat/umbrella set and who is wearing oversized polkadot rainboots and a huge yellow duck raincoat

going for a walk in the rain and splashing in puddles

which one seduces the other into standing under a tree before shaking the branch and soaking them

gOING SWIMMING IN THE RAIN and making out maybe 

fall (aka autumn)

who buys mulled cider, who buys hard cider

who wears the really intense halloween costume, who wears a sheet with holes in it 

snow/winter

Who builds the snowman, who eats the carrot nose bc they weren’t paying attention (”OH THATS what the carrot was for, my bad”)

oh no we stayed out too long and need to warm up better share the shower/hot chocolate to conserve resources

person A burying person B in snow and then kissing their forehead and walking away (“YOU MOTHERFUCKER YOU CANT LEAVE ME HERE” “I love you too I’ll be back!” “EXCUSE ME”) 

imagine your competitive otp [x]

making ridiculous bets on whose wind-up toy will win the race (may include sabotage)

having a food competition (with a food both of them hate)

having a cake-baking competition

sabotaging each other in mario kart

Some height difference things for your OTP [x]

The taller one sitting on the floor between the shorter one’s knees as the shorter one braids/plays with their hair. 

The shorter one tackle-hugging the taller one when they come home from some sort of trip, hoping that they’ll both fall to the floor in a pile of limbs and cuddles/kisses, but unfortunately the shorter one isn’t strong/heavy enough and they both remain standing. 

Bonus: to compensate, the taller one decides to pick the shorter one up. 

The shorter one having to sprawl like half their body across the taller one whenever they ride the bus/train so as to give the taller one all the leg room.

Or, the shorter one sitting down and immediately noticing that their feet don’t touch the floor, becoming embarrassed by this, and then pretending that they’d rather just snuggle up super tight with the taller one.

Bonus: the taller one realizes exactly what’s going on but says nothing. Or teases them endlessly about it, up to you.

The shorter one physically sitting in the taller one’s lap.

The taller one standing behind the shorter one and putting their arms around their shoulders, then resting their chin on top of the shorter one’s head. 

Bonus if they’re watching the stars/sunset/ocean together.

Imagine your OTP: Orchestra edition [x]

‘I didn’t bring my music but you gave me your extra copy and I blurted out that I loved you, and we could have awkwardly moved past that but then you accidentally said that you loved me back’

‘I was in the very back row of your concert so I could barely see the stage but I was so impressed with your performance that I decided to hang around and see if I could meet you, and it turns out that you are actually very cute holy shit’

AU List #3 (Theme: Jobs/Work) [x]

“You stood up for me against that really rude costumer who almost made me cry, thank you.”

random aus to consider though [x]

we pulled an all nighter trying to play monopoly and i think i may have confessed some weird shit

Hospital OTP Prompts [x]

I’m a bit loopy on the drugs they gave me for the pain and I told you that I love you and it’s the only thing I remember afterwards AU

The doctor is constantly telling you off cause you keep making my heart beat go faster when you’re talking to me AU

Things I need to be written [x]

person B is a half mermaid and person A orders the salmon for the both of them

Who wants some AUs? [x]

“‘You’re gonna get a cold if you stand out in the rain!’” AU

“I’m on the swings at the park and looking real depressed why did you come over to talk to me?” AU

Weird OTP Prompts for all your fanfiction needs [x]

You’re colourblind, and I managed to get you glasses that will let you see all the colours, but instead of being amazed, you’re just really offended by the colour purple, and you’re yelling at me for wearing a purple shirt.

“Do you masturbate?” “I–I’m sorry, do I know you?” “No, now answer the question.”

I’m colourblind, and you gave me these really awesome glasses that let me see colour, and I’m pretending to really hate the colour purple because I want you to take your shirt off. But really, purple is a fucking ugly colour.

Some of my actual experiences in musicals/plays... [x]

hey we’ve never talked before so now we’re playing love interests how about that AU

hey we’ve been good friends for years so now we’re playing love interests how about that AU

I play a police officer and at one point I get to arrest and drag your character offstage and I’m having a little too much fun with it AU

Did somebody say OTP PROMPTS? [x]

Person A dips Person B (like the dance move, but then get distracted and drops them).

A walking in on B absolutely killing it at Just Dance.

Person B wins Person A a gigantic stuffed animal at the fair.

Person B reading to Person A on the couch to help them fall asleep.

A and B having no mercy on each other in Super Smash Bros.

Person A playfully teasing Person B about how cute they are.

your otp finding each other annoyingly endearing [x]

you’re so stoic or deadpan most of the time but when you get flustered your face lights up red like a beacon and it’s so cute.

you have no idea what personal space is and it’s really distracting when your face is two inches away from mine, what if i turn my head and accidentally kiss you

you don’t like snuggling or a lot of touching but when you’re asleep you’re a cuddler for better or for worse

MORE AUs for you [x]

you’re a magician and you pick me to be your assistant for a trick but the real magic is how you managed to slip your phone number to me while you were sawing me in half au

I made my thousandth paper crane and wished to find my soulmate and the next day you move in next door to me what does this mean au

AUs based (loosely) on things that have happened to me recently [x]

I just watched you fill up a container with dry dog food biscuit by biscuit what the hell are you doing

76 OTP prompts list [x]

Person B is reeaaaaaally tired, but Person A is super, super energetic and loud. Trying to get Person A to shut up, Person B kisses Person A.

Imagine person A of your OTP relentlessly flirting with B in public, just to see B blush.

Imagine Person A of your OTP seeing Person B with bed hair for the first time, and being totally blown away by how cute/hot/etc. they look with their hair being a huge mess. Bonus: if Person A gets flustered when Person B pokes fun at them for liking it.

Imagine your OTP getting in a fight and one of them yelling that they love the other one and then it gets really quiet.

Imagine your OTP cuddling under a blanket on a cold winter night. Person A gently wrapping their arms around Person B and lightly kissing down their neck making Person B shiver from something other than the cold outside.

Imagine your OTP running into each other under the mistletoe. Person A blushes and goes to suggest that they don’t have to kiss but Person B cuts them off with a kiss.

Imagine person A walking out of the bathroom after a shower, half-naked and wreathed in steam, and B immediately dropping whatever they were holding. Bonus if it’s an animal which gives them the stink eye before slinking away.

Imagine your OTP living in a dorm. Person A thinks that person B is kinda cute, but otherwise doesn’t feel much for them. Person A goes to borrow a textbook from person B and walks in on person B in their pajamas with their hair all messed up and person A thinks it’s the cutest thing ever.

Imagine person A of your otp is reading a book late at night and person B can’t sleep so they ask person A to read to them so person A starts reading out loud and a few minutes later person B is completely knocked out and person A gives them a kiss on their forehead.

Being on the brink of admitting their feelings for each other but then getting interrupted.

“You were trying to reach for a box of cereal and a whole shelf’s-worth of cereal boxes fell on you here let me help”

OTP Prompts [x]

Imagine Person A seeing Person B and just having the most powerful, undeniable urge to have sex. Just out of the blue with no provocation except for Person B’s existence. Bonus if they’re having conflicting feelings about acting upon the urge because they’re in public.

no title [x] 

‘i keep bumping into you everywhere and you’re starting to get weirded out but i’m not stalking you it’s just a string of coincidences i swear no wait let me explain’ au

Random OTP Prompts [x]

Everyone I talk to mentions you at some point and I didn’t get it but now we’ve met and I do. I definitely do.

We knew each other when we were like 2 years old because our moms are friends and we haven’t seen each other since but now your family is visiting and you’re a lot hotter than you were when you were a toddler.

Everyone thinks I have a crush on your friend but actually I like you which is even more embarrassing.

Reunited AUs [x]

“we’re texting for the first time in forever and i told you about some stupid thing i did and sent a sarcastic ‘you must really miss me, huh’ and you just replied ‘yes’ and i think my heart just broke” au

Spoopy Halloween AU’s for ur OTP!!! [x]

we were supposed to go on a double date to this horror movie but neither of our dates showed up and it’s really just our friends trying to get us together 

we both got dragged to this stuffy Halloween party by our parents wanna kiss in the corner? 

[paradisobound]

I Want It, I Got It: Chapter 14

Summary: Phil Lester was a worker for the BBC in London. Working in the advertising department, he was content being alongside his friend and fellow coworker PJ during every shift. However, the BBC is temporarily being used as a film set for a new movie staring Hollywood ‘It’ star, Daniel Howell. Being stuck as an extra on the set, Phil finds it’s hard to ignore the famous star. And maybe, just maybe, Dan finds it hard to ignore Phil as well.

Word Count: 2.4k (this chapter)

Warnings: Occasional swearing and sexual themes 

Rating: Explicit

Updates will be every Sunday at 1pm EST

**MASTERLIST | READ ON AO3**

A/N: I split this chapter into two parts so this part 1 and part 2 will be either sometime this week or next Sunday! 

Phil wants to set himself a reminder to never book a flight as early as 6am ever again. He makes it to Gatwick with bleary eyes and a small bag haphazardly packed with a set of clothes for overnight. 

He boards his plane and then when he lands, he throws the strap of his bag on his shoulder and walks through the airport to find his mum waiting for him where she always does. 

When he sees her, he gives her a big hug and then steps back with a smile. “You look tired dear.” She comments, rubbing his arm. “Did you sleep well last night?” 

Phil doesn’t want to tell her that no, he didn’t really sleep because he Skyped with Dan until he fell asleep. He also wasn’t going to mention to her how he and Dan have been slowly progressing past the friend stage and he’s getting to the point where he can hardly imagine not knowing what Dan is doing and whether or not they can speak. 

“Just pre-flight jitters.” Phil says with a forced half-smile. 

His mum gave him a knowing glance. “I know how you feel about flights, dear.” She said, pulling her hand away from his arm. “But let’s get going now. Your father insisted on staying back and making breakfast for when we get back.” 

Phil followed his mum out of the tiny airport to the carpark and got into the car with her, tossing his small bag into the backseat before climbing in the front. The Isle of Man was small and he enjoyed having his parents living here now because even if he only went for a few days, it still felt like a holiday. 

“How is the BBC?” His mum asks as they head onto the main road towards his parents house. 

“Normal.” Phil says. “I’m working on making a new website for the BBC Radio 1. Like, not an entirely new website but a new webpage. That’s taken up a big portion of my time.” 

“How is PJ?” His mum then asks. He’s actually surprised that she’s gotten his name right. The last time, she called him Peter. He still doesn’t know how she ever got Peter from PJ but he still laughs about it. 

“He’s good.” Phil says. “I actually just went out for drinks with him a few nights ago.” 

“How about him and Sophie?” 

“Mum…” Phil says with a laugh. “I’m not PJ.” 

“I know,” She says with her own chuckle. “But you know how your mum likes to gossip.” 

“How can I forget?” Phil says. 

His mum reaches over and smacks his arm gently and Phil laughs. They pull into his parents driveway and it’s exactly like how Phil remembered it. The same cozy little cottage on an old road with the same stone fence around it. The same pink and red flowers bridged the outside and the same weather grey stone shone on the outside. 

Phil honestly likes this house better than the house he grew up in outside of Manchester and his dream is to retire to such a little community like this. 

“Come on, Philip, grab you bag! Your father is waiting and you know how he can be a bit impatient.” 

Phil steps out of the car and opens the backdoor, grabbing out his small bag from the seat. He puts the strap on his shoulder again and follows him mum inside the small doorway into the kitchen. 

His father is sitting at the table with his newspaper in his hand and Phil has to chuckle at how typical this setting was for him. He remembers being a teenager and waiting up to see his dad sitting at the table with his newspaper. 

“Hello Phil!” His father chimes in. “How was your flight?” 

“It was fine.” Phil answers, his answer automatic. He always responds the same way. Maybe it has to do with the awkwardness he still feels around his dad. He’s not sure. 

“Well, that’s good.” His dad answers. “Your brother is arriving in a few hours for the weekend too with Cornelia. You’ll have to sleep on the couch tonight since they called dibs on the guest room.” 

Phil feels himself groan. He shouldn’t groan. It was quite childish. But he also wasn’t feeling like sleeping on the couch with no privacy tonight. He was looking forward to spending a few hours on Skype with Dan and he can’t do that if he’s on the couch. 

“When did Martyn decide he wanted to come this weekend too?” Phil asked, crossing his arms over his chest. 

“I wanted to spend the weekend with my boys.” His mum chimes in, leaning up on her toes to give him a kiss on the cheek.

“Why does he get the bedroom though?” Phil asks, his voice verging on a whine. 

“Because he and Cornelia can’t fit on the couch like you can, dear.” His mum says. “Oh, pip up. It’s only one night. I’m sure you can survive on the couch.” 

Phil wants to stomp his foot to put on a fake tantrum but he instead just rolls his eyes playfully and looks down at his dad. “What did you make for breakfast?” 

“There is some sausage and eggs on the counter if you want.” He responds, folding his paper and setting it on the table. “Your mum and I figured we could take you and Martyn and Corn on a walk this afternoon. The weather is supposed to be lovely.” 

Phil nods and walks over to the counter, grabbing a couple pieces of sausage and putting them on an empty plate. He begins to snack on them when his mum walks over next to him and steps close to him. “So tell us about Daniel.” 

Phil chokes and sputters, forcing down the bite he had just taken as he coughs. He sets down his plate and goes to the refrigerator and pulls out a bottle of juice. He grabs a cup from the cupboard and pours a small glass, taking a sip of it to still his coughing. He was trying to avoid this question and this conversation but it’s clear he wasn’t getting out of it. 

“It’s not polite to ignore your mother.” His mum presses, her eyebrow choked as she stands at the counter. 

“I don’t have much to say.” Phil answers. “What do you want to know?” 

“Well, how did you and Daniel meet?” She said. “Let’s begin with that.” 

“We met through the BBC.” Phil says, trying to remain as vague as possible. 

His mum waited patiently for him to continue and he cocked his eyebrow up. She tapped her fingers on the counter. 

“How did you meet at the BBC?” She pressed further. 

“His film was being filmed there.” Phil says. “The offices were shut down for it.” 

“What was the film?” 

Phil shrugged. He actually doesn’t know the name of the film. He’s never really bothered to ask Dan much about it. He’s never really thought about asking Dan about it actually. It always skipped his mind when he was speaking to Dan. 

Talking about his film was normally the last of their thoughts. 

“Well, when did you and Dan become friends then?” She continued. 

Phil was well ready for this conversation to end already even though it barely began. “He came up to me in the BBC the one day and we exchanged contact information. Then we just started talking.” 

“He’s cute.” 

“Mum…” 

“Well, I’m just being honest, dear.” She says, her lips curved into a smile. 

“We’re not dating.” Phil says. The more and more he says it, the more and more he feels like a broken record. He and Dan really aren’t dating. And in complete honesty, he’s not quite sure if they’re friends right now. They are obviously friends but recently, they’ve been slowly bridging that gap between friendship and a relationship. 

He blushes slightly as he thinks about the night before and how Dan had looked, shirtless and comfortable on his bed in Los Angeles. Dan had asked him if it was okay that he was shirtless and of course Phil said it was. But he couldn’t help staring at Dan the entire time. 

“You’re blushing, hun.” His mum comments, her hand coming up and pinching his cheek. 

Phil yips out a little noise before he jerks away and his mum chuckles. His cheeks flush even redder yet and he just smiles at her as he shakes his head and takes his bag into the living room. He sets it down beside the couch and checks his phone, something he hasn’t done since this morning. 

He has a couple messages from Dan and reading them makes him smile. 

Dan: I’ll have you know that I still cant sleep 

Dan: Thanks 

Phil let out a chuckle and began to type out his own message back. 

Phil: Not my fault :P 

Phil exited from his messages app and opened Twitter. He’d slowly been getting accustomed to Twitter and other social media. His Instagram has remained pretty tame despite having a bunch of people follow him and also his profile suddenly get verified. His Twitter got verified as well which was a shock to say the least. 

Going on Twitter and YouTube for the first time was a bit of a shock but Dan helped him through it on Skype the night he finally looked. 

“If you never do it,” Dan had said, “Then you’ll never see the support that you got for the video.” 

And Dan had been correct. He had gained a massive fanbase already and that was a big deal. He really did want to pick up YouTube more like he had when he was still in university. 

He even tweeted out that he wanted to do a Q+A and he had gotten a ton of questions already that he was eager to film when he got back to London tomorrow night. 

Dan had convinced him to do the Q+A and he even suggested filming things in LA and sending them to Phil but Phil told him that wasn’t necessary. The next time Dan came to London, they could film many more videos together. 

“I see that you have begun doing YouTube again.” 

Phil looks up from his phone to see his mum stood in the doorway now, making her way into the living room. 

“Oh yeah.” Phil says. “I wanted to get back into it. I think it’s going well.” 

“It’s nice that Dan was in the video with you.” She says, sitting down next to him on the sofa. 

“It was his idea.” Phil admits. “I told him about how I did YouTube and he thought that it would be a good idea to do a video.” 

His mum nods and Phil knows that she is waiting to say something. So he waits…with a baited breath, until his mum finally speaks. “I worry,” She begins. “I worry that Daniel isn’t good for you.” 

Phil turns his head and looks at her. “What do you mean?” 

“He’s a big named celebrity, Phil.” She says, her voice serious. “He might not be looking for the same things that you are.” 

Phil feels his stomach knot and his chest tighten. He felt like this was a middle school talk, not one he should be having at 32 years old. 

“And I’m not saying this because I believe that Dan’s intentions with you are bad. But you have to remember his lifestyle.” She continues. “I don’t want you mixed up into that lifestyle if you’re not ready.” 

“It’s not about that.” Phil says, because it’s really not. “Dan doesn’t even like the lifestyle.” 

“Oh?” 

Phil nods. “He gets overwhelmed by it.” He says. “I don’t think he’s ever admitted it to me or even to himself but I think he just enjoys doing the movies and the acting. I don’t think he enjoys the publicity that comes with it. Like, everywhere you look, his photo or name is plastered somewhere.” 

His mum suddenly bends down to the coffee table and rifles through some of the crumpled magazines until she finds whatever she was looking for and hands it to him. He looks at it and he’s not sure what she’s getting at until she’s suddenly grabbing it from him again and opening to a dog-eared page. 

DANIEL HOWELL’S NEW YOUTUBE VIDEO. WHO IS THE MAN BEHIND THE VIDEO? 

It was an entire article about his video with Dan that he never knew existed. His face was plastered in this magazine, without his consent. And here is Dan’s face as well…just covering the page with this 200 word article about the video. 

He felt sick. His hands began to shake and he felt clammy. 

How many other articles has he been the subject of that he never knew? 

“Where did you get this?” He asked, his voice tense. 

“Your father saw the magazine in the store when he picked up his newspaper. It was just meant for me because you know that I enjoy reading those gossipy tabloids every once an a while. I stumbled upon it and saved the page.” She said. “This is mostly why I wanted you to come here this weekend. I thought we could discuss this and what you’re getting into.” 

“I didn’t consent to this article.” Phil says, his voice trembling. 

“I know, dear. I know.” She comforts. “Does Dan go through this a lot?” 

He nods. Yeah, Dan does go through this a lot. He’s seen the moment Dan’s face falls when he sees an article written about himself that he didn’t even know. 

“Maybe we should hire someone.” His mum continued. “Maybe we could hire someone to speak on your―” 

“I’m not going to do that.” Phil says. “I’ll just talk to Dan.” 

“But how much can Dan really do, sweetie? He seems just as powerless as you.” 

Phil feels like he could cry. His eyes suddenly feel full and his cheeks feel hot. He struggled to hold them back but he does. He sniffles once and hands his mum back the magazine, not bothering to read it. 

“I’m sorry, sweetie.” 

He doesn’t say anything. He just sits in silence as his stomach knots and twists. She eventually gets up without a word and a few moments later, he hears the front door shut and he realizes she’s probably gone to wait at the airport for Martyn and Cornelia. 

He sits back on the couch and shuts his eyes. Maybe he can catch a nap before she gets back. 

[bufanzi]

QIN COMPLIATION

( left to right: bu fan, yue yue, xiao yu, ling chao, mu ziyang, bowen)

Yue yue

his real name is yue minghui 岳明辉 !! (92-liner) 

nicknames include 老岳 (lao yue; old yue) & 岳叔 (yue shu; uncle yue) & 中年岳 (middle-aged yue) . PLS LET YUE YUE LIVE. 

used the name 岳岳 as a stage name bc of the way it sounds & its easier for people to remember ; PINKRAY

he went by the name joey yue while studying overseas lmao

有背景有文化的团长 （ A leader with sophiscated background and culture )

Cold city boy from beijing

Engineering student!!! from Nanjing University of Aeronautics & did masters in glasgow uni!!!!!! V v v smart!!!

Great english, British accent sorta ( listen to him speak x x )

HAS A CUTE FANG TOOTH

Will trade fatty meat for lean meat if u ask

TATTOOS (I THINK THERE’S A WOLF ONE, THE ONE W AN ANCHOR+OCTOPUS not sure though :c not enough HD pics to verify ;;)

Basketballlll

Wants to collab w eminem one day

Looks up to eminem, dr dre & ice cube

STEALS MU ZIYANG’S CLOTHES VERY OFTEN (there was this vid once when yue yue was choosing btwn 5 outfits and mu ziyang was like “can u at least put one of ur own outfits in the 5”)

Voted as naggy lmao (was asked by mu ziyang whether 1 ton of iron or 1 ton of cotton is heavier, and he talked to ziyang about it for 2 hrs about the question isn’t logical cause the experiment must be held in the same conditions, the air etc etc)

His hair is a birds nest & cannot be maintained + he uses the company’s hair dryer (which actually belongs to ling chao) to do his hair

Likes to eat everything, not picky with food :”) 

THE ONE THAT ALWAYS STEALS FOOD FROM OTHERS. 

DRAMA QUEEN 

became bufan’s “woman” in IP aft the gang initiation LOL

yue likes to have clothes with holes in weird places, so i think that’s why he always wears ziyangs’s clothes 

his underwear is still outside the window ledge/roof on their old qin dorm c: 

can drive!!! has a car!!!! drives a honda w a super cool license plate number ahah 

lmao wanted to set up an emergency fund for the himself and the boys because they are always getting their salary deducted HAHAH (+ it was said that ling chao has the most money bc he listens the best and is always on time)

plays the guitar!!! 

has a tentacle fetish lmao 

initially his dad wasn’t supportive of him becoming a trainee so he secretly went to idol producer without his dad’s knowledge (his dad didn’t even know what he was doing at qin ent) but rn his dad rlly supports him!! 

yue yue’s fans call themselves 岳妻 (yue yue’s wife) 

Mu ziyang

PROFESSIONAL MODEL

His real name is li zhenyang 李振洋 (94-liner) 

his stage name 木子洋 is cause his surname 李 is formed from 木子 then they added the 洋 ; KWIN

Fans call him 小懂事 ( which means something like a sensible kid )  

Walked in milan fashion week!!!!!! WALKED FOR MANY BRANDS!!!! THIS KING

FANS CALL HIM QIN’S CLOSET/SPONSOR :”)

Also said he managed to walk for the show that he most wanted to!!!!

WENT TO THE SAME SCHOOL AS BUFAN (Beijing Institute of Fashion Technology) (and was schoolmates with dong yanlei) 

Scared of ghosts cause his mum used to tell him that ghosts will snatch him away if he misbehaves

says he isn’t of haunted houses, but then asks ling chao to hug him tightly when walking though it lmao

SCARED OF CRABS BC HE THINKS THEY ARE UGLY (this idiot lmao)

he’s scared of everything :)

PAID BUFAN 50 YUAN TO FEED HIM CRABS

LIKES TO DO “BUSINESS” ie trade stuff with ling chao so that ling chao will do his bidding

Rlly sad but mu ziyang got srsly sick during ip first evals and had to do iv drips until his hands were all bruised cause of the needle marks :c

Lmao this idiot thinks 3/6 > 3/5

wants to work with Leonardo DiCaprio

he can’t stand people sitting on his bed

“It’s not that the pyjamas are expensive, I’m expensive” 

Sang 越战越勇 on before!! 

lowkey was upset he didn’t get balloons on his birthday while yue yue got a wall of happy birthday + star balloons HAHAHA

roommates with yue in the qin dorm

threw yue’s underwear out the window bc yue forced it over his head :”) & its stuck right outside the roof at their old dorm

bought a tank for loaches/mudfish & only realised that it wasn’t meant for fishes after putting the decorations and water in it... 

apparently has a driving license 

once while driving a motorcycle, the battery died & he used a strangers phone to call yue yue. then yue yue had to come pick him up with his car. since he had the motorcycle, ziyang sat on the motorcycle and held on to the car handle & they drove back like that lmao

can play the piano!!!

THE ONE THAT DISSES LING CHAO 

THERE WAS THIS ONCE POST ON DOUBAN where mu ziyang bought ALL the buns from the convenience store & zhu xingjie came a while later and wast stuck at the store cause he had to wait until the next batch was ready lmao

Had a huge knee surgery during his trainee period :c (the boys also visited him in the hospital) + also sad bc qin3 went for a huge seafood feast at home when mu ziyang was stuck eating hospital food

before leaving the dorms he went with ling chao to the convenience store to buy food bc he says ling chao is kinda picky with his food so he doesn’t eat much & he isnt’t able to take care of him anymore now that he’s eliminated so he used up all his remaining money to buy food for him

after being eliminated, he and yue yue went to play HAHAHA

Bu fan

his real name is bu fanfan 卜凡凡 (96-liner)

the boys call him 凡子 (fan zi), where 凡 is from his name and 子 is a term of endearment :”) 

used bu fan as a stage name because he thinks bu fanfan is too cute lol; KATTO (PRONOUNCED AS KA-TOO)

192cm 对 cant play basketball though

LOVES DOGS, HUSKY

ACTUALLY DIDNT GRAD FRM SCHOOL YET :c he said his parents are pushing him to continue to study but nonetheless support him as an idol

HAS AN OLDER BROTHER (10 YEARS AGE GAP)

CLINGY

LOVES TO CRY ( crise a lot when doing stretching)

Voted most scared of pain

Once got caught eating a melon & got punished :c (+ he always steals melon from the fridge & doesn’t even close the refrigerator door afterwards...) 

Always late for work apparently until there’s no more salary to be detected

HIS ACTUAL MINK JACKET IS ACTUALLY JUST A BATHROBE

apparently owes ziyang money & gave him a rap perf for money lol

Once helped an old auntie neighbour buy a new phone bc hers was old and was about to spoil 

When asked if he likes girls with short hair or long hair, this boy said he doesn’t like any & likes computers instead lmao

He can’t stand low qualiy movies, it has to be in HD

when he becomes rich and successful, he’s going to help the manager xiao yu do some intense stretching lmao 

“ everytime bufan goes to the subway, the authorities will always check his ID ” - yueyue 

Has a wall of demoralising quotes back at the qin dorm ( iconic quotes include: “being ugly is a disease” & “the reason why you drink chicken soup is because other people have already ate the meat” & “all roads lead to rome, but some people are born in rome” )

“ 家爆脸 ”- zhou yanchen

HIGHKEY LOVES YUEYUE A LOT this sweet child tried his best to protect yue’s cake from being eaten cause he wanted yue to take a photo with it first ( in qin ent, it was said that the only way they get food is to snatch from others, so that cake was NOT safe with mu ziyang and ling chao around )

MORE INSTANCES OF HIS LOVE FOR YUEYUE, HE WILL BITE YOUR HEAD OFF IF U DISS HIS YUE :”) just look at bufan getting triggered when zhou rui mentioned about yue’s eye wrinkles

Also, he called yue yue disgusting cause yue yue didn’t come back at night & went to sleep in another trainees room ( he’s jealous )

Leader of a gang (current known members include ( xiao gui, fan chengcheng, yue yue & xu shengen) 

got tricked to eat a sichuan chilli by yue yue poor thing

KING OF SEAFOOD 

once a deliveryman misread his name as 小凡凡 (xiao fanfan) instead of 卜凡凡 (bu fanfan), then got dissed by the mu ziyang saying “omg why do u call yourself that” 

I think bufan has a habit of saying the word 对 (dui) after a sentence, its pretty cute :”)

according to ziyang, bu fan thinks he’s the smartest in the group 

has a habit of calling people 宝宝 (baobao) & 宝贝 (baobei) which means baby/babe

outed yue yue as the only one that wears mu ziyang’s clothes (when asked if mzy was really qin’s closet, he said that our group has 4 people, ling chao and I never wear mzy’s clothes)

Ling chao

His real name is li yingchao 李英超 (01-liner)

his stage name came about bc if u say his real name really fast ‘李英 (li ying) will sound like 灵 (ling) ; DIDI (lmao when he’s old he’s still going to be called didi)

call him 弟弟 (di di; little brother) or  小王子 (little prince)

Loves his candies & would probably fight u for it

Hides candies in so many diff places/compartments lmao

got a toothache bc of said candy

sings really well!!!! 

SAYS HIS FAV CELEBRITY IS 黄晓明 (& angelababy)

HAS A YOUNGER SISTER BUT THINKS HE’S STILL THE PRETTIEST IN THE FAMILY

Receives the most love from the other boys :”) ( they have a rule where the plate with the most meat goes to him )

roommates with bu fanfan

Always seen with mu ziyang ( the true otp )

Doesnt like meat with fats

CAN DO SPLITS!!!!!!! & ALSO SPLITS WHILE DOING A HEADSTAND

HAS THE NICEST LOOKING EYES

is an idiot. he went to a korean restaurant & told ziyang that the “spicy cabbage” wasn’t tasty and he preferred kimchi instead. BUT THEY ARE THE SAME THING. 

he likes white roses

likes cats!! 

likes to scare chickens (& got scolded for it)

during break time, he has to memorise Chinese vocabulary ( and is taught by the company’s ceo!!!!!!)

i think he sticks with ziyang the most! ;; (obvs they are the superior ship)

BROUGHT ZIYANG TO SEE THE TALKING TRASH BIN JUST TO MAKE ZIYANG SCARED. 

shittiest luck HAHAHA (bufan+lingchao team and yueyue+ziyang team had to draw lots to see who gets to sleep in the room and who sleeps outside in the living room, and ling chao always loses)

GETS DISSED FOR HAVING NARROW SHOULDERS 

printed his own picture on a pillow then said it was “given by fans” 

had a writer/blogger/reviewer kind of site where he wrote stuff 

looks up to xukun and zhangjing the most in ip!

 “ if your 3 qin brothers become a girl, who would be your older sister, younger sister and girlfriend? ” LING CHAO: NONE BECAUSE ALL OF THEM ARE UGLY

GETS HIT BY ZIYANG A LOT LMAO 

ling chao’s fans are called 糖精 (tang jing; candy spirit) because of his love for candy

小于 (xiao yu)

BC221’s manager!!!!!!!!! (Also helps then stretch)

very sassy & playful

older than all of the qin boys ; had to work for 4 years before attending university

he’s almost always the camera man for bc221′s trainee life videos!!!! (its either him or bowen)

Came off as a little mean in the video where the boys were stretching :c but honestly he just rlly wants the best for them

Stays with the boys in their qin dorm!!!!!!

Went to the same university with mu ziyang!!! (& says mu ziyang stole his snacks, face masks, shoes, clothes, socks etc); they probably graduated the same time cause they were classmates! 

Sometimes ppl call him 小鱼 (yu) ( word play; means little fish ) & mu ziyang called him 热带鱼 (tropical fish)

When yue yue got in trouble for playing computer games, he called xiao yu handsome and he laughed & immediately stop scolding yue yue LOL

yueyue likes to diss him lmao 

Gives ling chao sweets!!! (doesn’t give bufan and yueyue bc they apparently dont listen to him lmao) 

said to bufan : “IS BEING TALL EVERYTHING??? HUH???”

“we always get scolded by our manager, the first day would pass by normally but then on the 2nd day we would get scolded” - yueyue & bufan

“excuse you? what was that about your manager scolding you everyday? its called a heart to heart talk” 

a fan sent pig feed to the company & he said he was going to save it to give to the boys as a birthday present

WROTE MU ZIYANG IS THE UGLIEST AND LEFT IT FOR ZIYANG TO FIND 

yue yue calls him 小于帅 a lot. 

followed yue yue to his home to visit lao yue’s mum :”) helped yue yue carried the luggage up the stairs

went Thailand with yue yue and mu ziyang after eliminations!

got dragged by bu fan into the toilet  (bu fan said it was xiao yu that pushed him inside but there’s video evidence HAHAHA)

Sadly no longer part of QIN’s entertainment anymore

博文 (Bowen)

lives with the boys apparently

Shorter than the qin4 and xiao yu ahaha if you see the video angle being lower compared to others, then its bowen filming (fans call it the girlfriend angle lmao) 

I think he’s qin’s video editor/photographer!

currently now part of qin’s one man subbing team rip bowen

passive aggressively posting on weibo whenever xiao yu posts updates on their Thailand adventure bc they didn’t bring him along hahahah

he has a cat called 棉裤 (cotton pants), mu ziyang hates this cat because 棉裤 always climbs on his bed

[yminie]

realistic drabble series: jung hoseok (m)

pairing: Hoseok x Reader genre/warnings: smut, tiny bit of fluff, characters attempt at Dominant concept. words: 2312 summary: Hoseok is generally very in control when it comes to the bedroom, but you cant help but wonder what it would be like to make him do what you want.

jin. yoongi. hoseok. namjoon. jimin. taehyung. jungkook.

a/n: PART 3 IS HERE! OTHER PARTS ABOVE^ ENJOY!

Hoseok continued to stare up at your stiff form, watching the hesitant way with which you fidgeted your fingers, swapping your weight from foot to foot. He could easily tell how nervous you were, and while the thought of him knowing you so well should have calmed you in some way, it only seemed to make you more nervous. What if you made a complete fool of yourself and he could no longer see you the same way? You didn’t want to consider the possibilities wherein which you could mess everything up, feeling as though if you focused too hard on the negatives, they might just somehow be willed into becoming true.

“You know this was your idea right? We don’t have to do this if you’re not comfortable.” He stroked your outer thighs in an attempt at reassurance. You knew he would eventually console you like this and as much as you appreciated his tenderness, you were determined to follow through with your ideas.

See, late nights browsing the internet while your boyfriend was away on tour left plenty of time for exploration on your part. Endless hours of boredom and an attempted alleviation through tumblr stalking and ¬– not so – shameful reading of more than a couple fanfictions based on your boyfriend and his supposed talents within the bedroom. And on more than one occasion, you found yourself surprised at how well Hoseok’s fans could really read him and his body language through little more than a dance routine.

From as far back as you could remember, the roles with which both yourself and Hoseok had assumed – in seemingly both the sexual and non-sexual aspects of your relationship – had never been up for argument nor submitted for discussion.

From day one it had always been the same – Hoseok was the dominant figure and you were the submissive. And it wasn’t even this way because either of you consciously chose it or wanted it that way; it was just natural to the two of you. Hoseok was the man and you were the woman. Yet you never thought twice or considered a role reversal, until one particular night, a little wine in your system and some –not so little– time spent in that really very curious side of ‘AO3’.

You suspected that the reason the vivid ideas of holding your boyfriend down and making him beg became so secretly arousing to you had a lot to do with the way it seemed so unlike him. Hoseok in the bedroom was no different to how he was on stage, powerful and naturally demanding of your attention. His aura screamed ‘obey me’ and you could never argue with his will – not that you’d ever realistically wanted to.

And up until this moment, with him sitting on the edge of the bed between your legs and carefully reading your expression, you had thought the hardest part would be mentioning your newfound interest to him. Oh, but you were wrong; the hardest part is never talking about it, it’s always the moments when you actually make the idea a reality.

“No, I’m sure. I want to try it at least once, keep things interesting right?” You rested shaky palms on his shoulders and he smiled up at you gently.

“Well, you’re the one running the show. Whenever you’re ready, I’m ready.” You nodded in earnest, widening your legs on either side of his and easing yourself onto his knees, his hands gripping your hips to pull you safely into his lap while you mulled over in your mind all the things you could do. Thinking back on a couple scenarios you’d read about, you tried your best to focus on the important aspects.

Control, something you didn’t normally have with Hoseok, and now all of a sudden, you almost felt you had too much of it you didn’t know where to start.

You chose the simple start and leant in to press your lips to his firmly, pressing against him until his back was flat on the bed. He kissed you back, humming against your lips and sliding his palms up your legs to grip at your waist. Sliding your tongue across his lower lip, you tilted your head further, deepening the kiss and moaning as his hands squeezed you in response. He parted his lips for you, letting your tongue in to caress and you both simultaneously sighed in pleasure.

It didn’t take long though, for Hoseok’s natural instincts to kick in and his hands on your waist dropped to your hips and pressed against your skin, a silent demand for you to move your hips over his growing length. Normally you would obey –and you nearly did– but you quickly realized what he wanted and broke the kiss, both your chests rising and falling rapidly as you gasped for breath. You pushed his hands from your hips and lifted yourself off his lap slightly, pulling his wrists until his hands came together above his head.

You tried your hardest to hold back the pout forming on your lips at the gleam of amusement in his eyes as he looked up at you. He looked entirely too composed and at ease beneath you, far more than you’d like anyway, and you glared at the tilt of a smirk at the corner of his mouth.

“Will you behave or should I perhaps tie you to the headboard so you cant move at all?” He didn’t try to hide the smile growing across his face, shrugging his shoulders slightly with a muffled chuckle.

“Whatever you want princess.” You tutted at his cheekiness, thinking for a moment as you glared down at him. Your frustration fed your confidence however, and you grabbed his shoulders to drag him up until you had enough room for what you wanted.

“Hands behind your back.” He did as he was told, twisting his arms back and pressing his palms together. In a flash your hands were on him again, pushing him back and forcing him to lay on his arms. “Too uncomfortable?” He shook his head silently, shuffling a little to fix his arm placement and you smiled softly, stroking his cheek gently. “Good boy.”

His glare made you giggle and you shuffled back to sit on his thighs, stripping your shorts off before starting on his jeans, only bothering to push his shirt up to his collarbones. Leaning down, you press kisses to his sternum; following the pattern of his ribs down his side until you reached his hipbone.

Drawing the soft skin between your lips you sucked until little purple bruises appeared, grinning against his skin each time his hips would jerk at a particularly hard nip, and by the time you’d undone his jeans and dragged them down far enough to grip his length through his boxers he was positively restless. He was not used to teasing of any kind, always getting what he wanted from you with a snap of his fingers, and it made you feel oddly proud to see him falling apart even just a little under your lips.

He couldn’t control the automatic twitch pushing his hips up to meet your hand, head tilting back in a delicious display of his jaw line and you almost wish you were up there to press kisses to the veins peeking through beneath his skin but the way he grunted at the nips of your teeth just above the little patch of curls decorating the skin beneath his growing length reminded you exactly why you were down there.

Sliding his boxers the rest of the way down his thighs, you gazed up at his toned abdomen in admiration as you took his freed length into your hand and started to pump from base to tip with no hesitation. He hissed at the sudden pleasure, letting his hips undulate to meet you, but that wasn’t good enough. He was still trying to control the pace, and you had to remind him that he wasn’t in charge right now.

Almost harshly, you tugged your hand away, letting the lightly weeping tip graze your palm roughly before it lands back on his stomach. His chin shot down until he made eye contact with you, eyes dark and piercing while he glared at you in discontent. You were pushing his buttons and you weren’t entirely sure where his limits ended, but you were definitely excited to find out.

“You move far too much, if you can’t control yourself I’ll be forced to punish you.” His scoffed under his breath and you felt your eyes narrow. In a moment of retaliation, you leant forward with both hands on his hips and used your body weight to hold him down, quickly dipping your head to shove him as far down your throat as you could take. He choked on the deep inhalation of breath you triggered and coughed through his groans, forced to stay in place by your firm hold on him.

You held yourself there until you were compelled to pull back, choosing to pull away completely and let his now swollen and bright pink length slap back onto his stomach. He whined pitifully at the loss of contact and you swatted his inner thighs sharply with just the ends of your hands, grinning at the way he hissed and wriggled to escape the small burns of punishment.

“You’re a brat, you don’t deserve my mouth.” He controlled his reaction better this time, a slight downturn of his lips and the veins in his neck standing out as he continued to stare down at you. “You don’t deserve any part of me at all actually.”

Sliding your panties down your legs, you shuffled up the bed until you straddled his chest, legs just outside his arms, and you could see the way his biceps and pectoral muscles tensed with his own attempt at restraining himself from touching you. Lifting the hem of the oversized t-shirt you’d opted to wear up your body, you pulled it over your head and dropped it on his face, the fabric blocking his vision.

By the time he managed to shake his head free from the obstacle, your fingers were already wet and stroking against your heat, using the moisture escaping your entrance to coat your clit and make it easier to wind little circles around the sensitive bud. His head bounced as it hit the bed, eyes instantly lidded and lower lip caught between his teeth. Your breathing was labored, the teasing you put him through had effected you too, and you were always ready when it came to Hoseok.

“You can’t be serious, princess.” He groaned, eyes squeezing shut momentarily to gather himself before he opened them again. “You really expect me to lay here and watch you but not touch? You’re crazy.”

You ignored his words, fastening the pace with which you rubbed your clit, tilting your hips forward to give him an even better view, and you clenched around emptiness at the way he swore under his breath. You felt him move beneath you and tightened your legs around his shoulders, holding him in place as best you could with your eyes squeezed shut and fingertips flicking brutally across your clit.

Your orgasm was quickly building, and while you could cum like this easily, the emptiness inside you yearned for something to fill you up as well. You gave in to yourself with a light sigh, two fingers running down between your folds to smoothly slide inside, and you moaned airily, head thrown back and hips rocking to meet the thrusts of your fingers. You were so close, core gripping your fingers tightly and wetness dripping down your hand, and yet in the midst of your pleasure you had forgotten exactly where you were and why you were there.

Your back hit the mattress before you realized Hoseok had moved you, his strong arms hooked through your legs to spread you wide before him. Ripping your fingers from you he quickly replaced them with his own, lips closing around your throbbing clit and instantly setting a punishing pace. His fingers were so much better than your own, thicker and longer and so much more skilled at finding that special little place inside you to make your head spin and toes curl.

Your orgasm rushed up on you out of nowhere, body flushing a light pink as you muffled your screams with your hands; unable to move with the way he held you down and bent you in half. He controlled every aspect of your orgasm and you were dazed by the time he pulled away to lean over you and slide his hard length deep into you, finally.

You were whimpering in oversensitivity, body shuddering and nails digging into his waist as he drove his hips into yours without mercy. Your orgasm quickly rolled into another, dripping core gripping him tightly and drawing his orgasm closer steadily. His hips faltered and he growled into your neck, teeth clamping down on your neck as he filled you up with a deep grunt, hips jerking and pushing to fill the deepest of places within you.

He pulled out shortly after, landing beside you with a huff, and you gazed at the ceiling in a haze, breath heaving as you attempted to slow your heartbeat and relax your muscles. Tucking himself around you, he pulled you into his chest with a sigh, pressing a kiss to your shoulder as he stroked your hair.

“I was meant to be in control.” He could hear the pout in your voice and it drew a laugh from him, his chest vibrating against your back. He rubbed your arms soothingly, massaging down your waist to your thighs as he smiled into your hair.

“Next time baby.” You laughed with him.

“Liar.”

[supersimmer2018]

Desire Part Two

                                        *TRIGGER WARNING*      This part touches base with a very strong topic. This part mentions talk of Suicide. This story is going to talk about not only love and romance but is going to be talking about sensitive topics and strong topics. So if this topic is something you cant read then please back out.

                                              ~Nanako's p.o.v   We arrived Hazakura Lounge the place wasn't as full of people as I thought it would be. The first thing that Ryo did when we walked through the door, was buy us all a drink. I honestly didn't feel like I should, but Oliver had told me that I should take it easy and enjoy myself. Yea, that was easier said than done.    Oliver didn't stick around with me and Ryo, he walked off to do his own thing leaving Ryo and I to ourselves at the table that we took a seat at.    There were so many thoughts going through my head that I couldn't even think of a single thing to say to him. I was finally alone with him and this was how I handled the situation. I could feel my hear beating faster and faster, like it was going to explode out of my chest.   This was crazy he was my best friend, a best friend whom I had a crush on. Why couldn't I just find the words to tell him how I felt?

Ryo: Are you okay? You look like you're about to pass out. Nanako: Y-yes... It's just that.. Ryo: When did you and Oliver start dating?   He asked. I looked at him thinking that he was crazy for thinking that Oliver and I were a couple. Well then again Oliver and I were always hanging out together doing things that would maybe give that impression that we were together together. Nanako: We're not, he's just a good friend. Just because we do stuff together don't mean... Ryo: Right sorry about that... I suppose that if that were the case you and I would thought to be a couple.    He said, I wasn't sure if I put my own foot in my mouth or if he had done it for me. Nanako: So, why aren't you dating anyone? You've never seemed to interested in girls. Ryo: You know it's funny, Andy asked me the same thing before we all left the house. Why do you ask? Do you know someone that is intrested in me?    He said jokingly, before taking a drink out of his cup that sat in front of him.

Nanako: What? No, I was just trying to ask why my best friend never has a girlfriend. You know what let's move off this topic.. Ryo: So how've you been? I haven't seen you in over two years. I thought that maybe you were upset with me or something.    He siad. I understood where he was coming from, I didn't really stay in touch with him after he moved on to college campus. At that point in time it was hard for me to make sure that Oliver was okay and talk with Ryo while he was away at school. Nanako: Well we're here now, it really is good to see you. I've missed our heart to hearts. Ryo: I missed you as well. So what have you been up to? Clearly you're not dating Oliver, any guy that I should know about? Nanako: No, it's just that... These day's I like to make sure that Oliver is okay.  I said before I could stop the words from leaving my mouth. Oliver was so far into the closet with his sexual identity, that he didn't want anyone other than me to know about his secret.    Ryo looked at me as if he was concerned about Oliver. Ryo: Is he okay? Nanako: Yes.. Look he really don't want many people to know, so can we change the subject.   I said in a quick pace to change the subject. He agreed to change the subject. So we started to talk about other things, mainly how his studies were going at Britechester.   It was amazing having to hear how much he has grown, how much we've grown. God I wanted nothing more than to tell him my feeling for him. But this didn't seem like the right place or time to do so. So rather then telling him my feelings we ordered a few more drinks, and for the first time in a long time, I was having fun with my best friend. A friend that I have lost two years with because of taking care of another.  I didn't mind taking care of Oliver, but Oliver had been right I used him as an excuse just to avoid telling Ryo my true feelings for him.                                          ~Oliver's p.o.v~    I had to step away from everyone at the bar. I was having a hard time being around Andy. Besides I wanted to let Nanako have some time alone with Ryo. She needed a break from me and my own personal issues.    I walked out the back door of the bar and headed over to this fenced off area, that had a great view of a waterfall. it was an amazing sight.

 Mt. Komorebi was such a beautiful place. This was the place that I would love to settle down with the man of my dream's, maybe even raise a family with. However I knew that, that was never going to happen. No guy would ever find me attractive. If they did it was just to use me for one thing, a quick one night stand.   I honestly didn't know what I was thinking having a crush on a straight guy. I knew that it would never ever happen. Though I suppose that I wasn't to only gay man in the world to fall in love with a straight man.

 I wish that I knew what I was doing with my life. I never went back to school. I have a dead end job, and I was a hopeless romantic. Suddenly out of nowhere Andy walked up beside me, taking in this same breath taking view that Mt. Komorebi had to offer.

Andy: There you are, I suppose that the whole bar scene isn't you thing? Oliver: I just figured I'd let Nanako and Ryo have some time alone to catch up. Why aren't you inside? Plenty of girls in there for you to talk to. Andy: I've already got a girlfriend... Well if you can call her that.  He said sounding down about having to think about his so called girlfriend that he had back home. I didn't want to pry into his life, however he seemed like was just waiting for someone to talk to.    So I took in a deep breath and started to ask him why he didn't sound at all happy about the girlfriend that he had back home. Oliver: Do you want to talk about it? Andy: Bro, I barely even know you. Why would I talk to a complete stranger about my love life?   He said defensively, trying to act all tough on the outside. But I could tell that he was dying on the inside. Oliver: Because I can tell that it's killing you not to have someone to talk to about whatever was going on.

Andy: Well if you're willing to listen..   He began, while he slowly took in a deep breath. Andy: She... She caught me in bed with someone else. It was a really shitty thing of me to do but.. Oliver: You didn't want to hurt her by saying it's over, so you thought that sleeping with someone would mean you didn't have too? Andy: Not exactly. It's much more complicated than that. Look I'd really just rather drink and forget about it.   I could see that whatever this something was that it was something more than just cheating on his girlfriend. But I wasn't going to just give up on him. Something was telling me that I just needed to be here for him. I couldn't explain it, it was just something that I felt I had to do. Oliver: Drinking isn't going to make everything go away. It'll still be there the next day. Andy: And that's just it, no matter how much I seem to drink... I can never stay sleeping.     It was those words that he said that sent this rush of unexplained emotion. But mainly it was fear. He was talking about committing suicide. Oliver: Killing yourself isn't the answer.. Andy: Have you ever though about it when life started to become too much to handle?    I stood there and actually remembered that I had thought that. But I had Nanako there at my side to help me though the tough time that I was going through. I was lucky to have had her in my life.    But Andy on the other had sounded much more lost than I had been when I first came out to my parents. But I wasn't about to tell me that I had. Instead I lied. I was able to convince him to join me back inside with Ryo and Nanako. We all continued to drink and have a good time. Both me and Nanako took a seat in front of the stage while both Ryo and Andy got up there and made a total fool of themselves.

I wanted to tell Nanako about what Andy had said to me. I was worried about him, I couldn't bare the thought of him hurting himself or worse over something so stupid. I just don't understand what could be so bad that he had to cheat on his girlfriend. And why he couldn't just walk away from the relationship.   Though despite what he had told me over a half hour ago he seemed normal up there on stage playing the piano. One thing was for certain, I was going to keep a close eye on him. Just to make sure that he didn't do anything stupid.  Because if anything were to happen to him and I didn't do anything to help him after he basically said what he had to me. I would never be able to forgive myself. So for the rest of the vacation I would watch him closely, but once the vacation was over... That's when I was going to worry.                                  ~ To Be Continued ~     Even though that this is just a story, suicide is very real and is something that some think about. But if you or someone you know has ever had these thoughts, please know that taking your life isn't the answer. You have people in your life that will listen to you and will always be there for you to help you through the bad times. Remember that you are loved and you are good person and that thinking that way isn't the right thing to do.                                      ~ SuperSimmer~

[didiletyouknooow]

55. Minor Thing

Hey, 

chapter 55! Thank you for reading every chapter and supporting me. The next two chapters are special in a way....I really hope you like it!  <3

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August

„What a great show!“ I told Sebastian when he left the stage. He smiled and gave me a kiss.

I was accompanying him on tour the last two weekends. His band played some small and two bigger German festivals. This one was the last one. I was always standing at the side of the stage and watched their gig together with the engineers and some of the other girlfriends who came to their shows. They were all very nice. The whole crew was. Tonight it was the last festival gig of the season so the band organized a little party backstage. It’s not that they didn’t party during their tour. They did it every night and sometimes I was a little bit tired of it. I mean, okay it’s fun and great to be at a festival and see all those great bands playing and afterwards getting into the backstage room or into the night liner having a few drinks and then playing the next gig on the next day. But I was a bit bored of it because every night was just the same.

Sebastian noticed that I didn’t want to party anymore. I was still hangover from last night. But seemed like the band wasn’t. It’s like they were 18 again. “Hey um, what’s wrong with you?” he asked me. At least he wasn’t drunk yet. “Nothing….I just don’t like to party tonight” “Hm….are you feeling sick?” “No, I’m just bored of all this party stuff” “Well” he sighed. “I know we did it a lot in the past weeks but….you know, festival season is a great season and we’re just fucking happy to live this life, play on stage every night. We’re playing the biggest festivals in Germany” “I know….and I’m so happy for you. But tonight I’m not in the mood to party. But, go and have fun, okay?” “Well….but without you it’s not the same” he said and pursed his lips. “Basti” I chuckled. I always called him like that when he was cute to me. And now he was. “Okay, but only a few drinks okay?” I said and got up from the chair. “Great” he grinned.

The guys in the backstage room were already tipsy. There were beer and liquor bottles everywhere. They definitely understood how to party I thought. Sebastian gave me a beer and we talked with his band mate for a while. I even started dancing together with him and the other guys and girls. It was okay, but I was still tired. Plus, it was so fucking hot and sweaty in this room. I needed some fresh air to breathe so I went outside.

The backstage area was next to a forest so it was a nice location. I said down at  a bench and looked at my phone. Molly sent me a pic of her little baby. Two weeks ago she gave birth to a healthy little baby girl. Eric called me after the baby was born. It must’ve been a difficult birth and it lasted very long. I felt so bad for Molly because in the end they had to do a c-section. She always wanted a natural birth but it didn’t work. But in the end the most important thing was that mother and baby wouldn’t get into trouble. So after 20 hours little Lorraine was born. On August 20. Andrew Garfields birthday. I thought about this crazy night last year when I met him. At that night I definitely wanted to party. Now I was just sitting here hoping that this night would end soon or at least my boyfriend wanted to go to bed.

I heard some noise coming from the stage. I looked at the time table and realized that Billy Talent were playing as the headliner. So I decided to go to the stage to watch their show. I texted Sebastian that I would come back afterwards. Thanks to my backstage All Access Pass I was able to watch the show from the stage. They were so great and they reminded me of my youth. I was 16 when I listened to them for the first time.

When I heard the first chords of “Surrender” I suddenly started crying. I didn’t know why. Everything was fine, I was okay. I mean, I was here with my boyfriend who just played a great show in the early evening. Everything was supposed to be fine, right? Why was I crying?

  “I think I found a flower in a field of weeds, I think I found a flower in a field of weeds. Searching until my hands bleed, This flower don't belong to me. Searching until my hands bleed, This flower don't belong to me. This flower don't belong to me. Why cant she belong to me? Every word, every thought every sound. Every touch, every smile, every frown. All the pain we've endured until now. All the hope that I lost you have found.” (Billy Talent - Surrender)

 Suddenly I heard a female voice talking to me. “Is everything okay?” a brunette woman asked me. I looked at her and nodded. Then I wiped my tears away. “Yes” I said. “It’s just….this song is so emotional and it reminds me of my youth” "Oh, I can relate to this” she laughed. “Not with this band but….with some songs in general” “That’s the strength of music” I said. “It definitely is! Music can do so much more than just being music. It lets you feel emotions you never felt before” she told me. Wow. Who was this woman? She sounded so wise and we shared the same definition about music!

We kept watching Billy Talents gig until they left the stage. It was awesome! Such a likeable band. Their singer, Ben, was so nice and funny on stage. They people were going crazy the whole time. “By the way I’m Emily” she said when the gig was over. We shook hands. “Eileen” I said. “Oh lovely name” Emily smiled. “Thank you” “So….why are you here at the side of the stage?” she wanted to know. “Are you working here?” “No….” I laughed. “My boyfriend played here today” “Oh great!” “What about you?” “Well” she chuckled. “I played here too” “Really?” “Yes….” “In a band?” I had no idea who she was. “Yep, my band is called Warpaint. We played on the other stage” “Oh….I’ve never heard of you. Sorry” I felt a bit embarrassed. “No problem. We’re not very mainstream” she grinned.

We talked for a while and Emily told me about their tour through Europe. Suddenly she started talking about her home town LA. “Wait” I interrupted her. “You’re from LA?” “Yes” “Me too!” “What? Really? Well to be honest, I already thought you’re from the states but I didn’t think you’re from California. Where in LA did you live?” “In….El Sereno” I said because this was the last place I lived. I wondered if Josh was still living there. I bet he wouldn’t leave his house soon. “Oh I have some friends who live there. They’re also musicians” she told me. “I think many creative people live there” “Defnitely!”

Emily and I walked back to the backstage area where we ordered some beer and kept talking. Suddenly I remembered that I once heard of her band before some years ago. But I didn’t know her. I asked her some questions about her band and she told me that they are doing music for many years now and they toured Europe and of course the States several times. She said she was hoping people didn’t think they only got a bit more successful because they had a popular producer for their first EP. I asked her who it was and when she mentioned John Frusciante I wondered if she also knew Josh? “He was just helping us with the recording and producing stuff, you know” she told me. “We’re friends with him….he was my boyfriend at that time but that’s all. We as a band always wrote our songs and music without any other person or help” “Wow, I didn’t know he produced it. Well, now he has a lot of time doing stuff like that” I joked. “He still makes music but no mainstream music….” Emily told me. “He left the Chilis after their biggest tour and his friend Josh replaced him” “I know” “Of course” she laughed. “I mean, everyone knows this band. Sometimes I forget it” “No I mean….I know them. Personally. I know Josh.” “Oh he’s a lovely person” “He is” I agreed with her. “How do you know him?” She asked me. I thought about it for a few seconds but finally said “I used to….date him”. “What really?” Emily looked at me with a questioning face. “Yes” I nodded. “It’s two years ago but….I know him and the band” “What a funny coincidence.” Emily said. “We’re not just both from LA, we also both dated one of the guitarists of the Chilis….the world is so small” she grinned.  Emily and I kept talking for a while. Eventually Sebastian came to us. “Um there you are” he said a bit perplexed when he saw Emily and me sitting in the backstage area. “Yes, sorry I forgot to come back!” I realized when I looked at the watch. It was already 1am. “It’s okay” he laughed and looked at Emily. I introduced both of them and they shook hands. My boyfriend seemed a bit lost. What happened to him? “Well I guess I have to go now. Thanks for the talk Emily, maybe we’ll see again in LA some day” I told her and then took Sebastian’s hand to go back to his band’s backstage room. 

“What is wrong with you?” I asked Sebastian who kept looking back to Emily for quite some time. “Eileen” he said. “You met Emily from Warpaint!” “Um yes, actually I didn’t know who she is” I grinned. “She’s a goddess!” my boyfriend suddenly said. “She’s so gorgeous and pretty and I always adored her!” This was the moment I started laughing. Now I understood. He liked her and was totally embarrassed and nervous to meet her. I couldn’t stop laughing. “Well this isn’t funny” he said.

  October

I looked at my phone. I starred at the screen for minutes. Josh’s number was looking at me but I didn’t do anything. It was his 39

th

birthday and I thought about congratulating him. But since he didn’t congratulate me on my birthday I wasn’t sure if I should do it. Maybe he didn’t want to do anything with me anymore. Maybe he already forgot me. Maybe he didn’t want to be friends with me anymore.

“Hey my little baby” I said when I noticed a little furball at my knees. It was Vilma. Sebastian’s and my new puppy. After more than one year of relationship and living together we decided it was time for the next step and since we both like dogs very much we adopted this little Cavalier King Charles Spaniel. She was only nine weeks old and we both fell in love with her immediately. She was so cute.

 December

 I was so excited! My family would visit us here in Germany for the Holidays. Everyone was coming: my parents and even my brother Marc with his little family. Sebastian and I were so happy that both our families could finally meet. It was a wonderful Christmas time this year. Sebastian and I prepared everything for some great days. The first Christmas day we spent at our home, my mother and I cooked some American traditional food. The next day we went to Sebastian’s family who even welcomed my family very open. They all got along very well and I was just happy for celebrating Christmas in Germany for the first time since I was a child!

Vilma was happy too because Sebastian’s parents have two dogs with whom she could’ve played the whole day. All in all it was just a great time and I didn’t miss anything or anyone.

On the last day of the year I skyped with Molly – and of course with little baby Lorraine. “You both look so fucking happy” I told her. Molly smiled all over her face. You could see that this little baby made her the happiest person in the world I knew. “Thanks….wow Eileen you can’t believe how happy I am. How happy we both are. Eric is just the best dad in the world and….wow, I still can’t believe that we were allowed to spent our first Christmas with our child” “It must’ve been a great and special time of the year” “Oh it was!” she said. “Of all the Christmas days prior in my life, nothing could beat this year’s Christmas. Spending Christmas with your child for the first time is the best thing in the world” Silence. This was a moment I thought about my lost baby again. I didn’t think about it very often in the last year but in moments like this I did. It was already 2.5 years. Our baby would’ve turned two in November…. “Sorry honey. I didn’t want to make you sad” I heard Molly saying. “No it’s…..it’s okay” I faked a smile. “I’m still so sorry” “It’s okay Molly. I’m fine. I’m over it. I’m over Josh and the baby loss and….everything. I’m happy with Sebastian and we adopted a little puppy in October who is the best and cutest thing in the world” I said and took Vilma on my lap to show Molly how cute she was. “She’s very cute” Molly agreed with me.

We kept talking about the Holidays and how we were going to spend New Years Eve. I told her that Sebastian and my family were partying in our flat doing some raclette. This was just a tradition in our family. Surely Molly only wanted to spend it with Lorraine and Eric. But the little family was invited at a friend’s house with some dinner and just having a nice evening. Molly was looking forward to it. “Who will be there? Do I know some friends you meet at the dinner party?” “Um….well” she said and it was the look on her face that revealed me what she was thinking about. “Will Josh be there?” I then asked her because I already knew. After our encounter at Molly’s Baby Shower we didn’t talk. We stopped texting and weren’t connected anymore. I guess that’s just what happens if one person finds a new partner. In our case I did. I didn’t feel bad about it….it’s just life. “Yes he will be there” Molly finally told me. “Oh okay….how is he doing?” I asked her. “Well actually” Molly started. I knew if she started a sentence like this she was still figuring out how to tell me the following information. “Molly, I’m not 18 anymore. You can tell me. Did he marry yet? Is he becoming a father?” I joked. “No….” Molly said. “But he finally found someone. He has a new girlfriend” “Really? Great!” I honestly felt happy for him. If he was happy then I was happy, right? “Who is she?” “Her name is Helen….she’s very nice. Such a nice person. She’s around his age and everyone fell in love with her very quickly. She’s just a very handsome, gentle and down to earth person” “Sounds like a serious relationship” “It is….I guess. They’re dating for half a year now” “Great” I smiled. “And she’s already having a daughter” “Oh….okay” “Yes….Josh is doing great as a step dad and getting along with her daughter very well” “Sounds great” I said. “Although it surprises me that he wants to date someone who has a child. I always thought he didn’t want to have kids” “Yes, after everything that happened to you two he didn’t. But seems like he has fallen in love again and we all know, you can’t control with whom you fall in love” “That’s aright….” I sighed. “They even moved into his house. So….I guess he’s very serious with her” Wow. I wondered why he was doing it. It took him so long to ask me if I wanted to move in with him. And now this woman and her daughter were already living in his house in El Sereno? “Sounds very serious” I commented. “Yes but….it’s just because there was some trouble in Helen’s life and Josh decided that it would be the best if she and her daughter will move to LA. He cares about them very much”

Later that night I was laying in my bed and couldn’t sleep. It was great to spend New Years Eve with my family. We had a wonderful night and I went to bed at 3am. But while Sebastian fell asleep very fast I laid there awake. I thought about what Molly told me about Josh. I couldn’t believe he was dating a woman with a child. It sounded so….serious. He must care very well about them. Although I didn’t know what happened to Helen that Josh decided it would be the best if they would move into his house but….this sounded so untypical for Josh. He only acted like this if he was very serious. So he must’ve fallen in love again. After all these stories about his hook ups with young girls in the last years he must’ve finally found someone. When I heard about his hook ups before I knew that he didn’t have anything serious yet. He was just having fun and was still single. Just to know that he was still single calmed me down. I didn’t know why. But now that Molly told me about Josh’s new girlfriend I suddenly felt sadness deep inside of me. Maybe even a bit of jealousy. Although I didn’t know Helen I felt like I couldn’t hate her. She seemed very nice and maybe she was the one he needed. Maybe she was the one who made him happy.

 February

 I was walking along the Mulholland  Drive. I just loved it. This was one of the best places in LA. I loved the view I had when I arrived at one special place on the route. It gave you the best view over LA ever. I didn’t know any better place in this city. Yes I was back in LA. But just for a vacation. In Germany there was a semester break so I decided to fly back home to LA for three weeks. Sadly Sebastian had to work on their new record in Berlin and couldn’t join me but I was happy to finally see my loved ones again. I spent some days in my parent’s house, helped them with the garden and made some barbecue. Then I visited my brother and we did some tours through LA together with his kids. Noel was six years and already attending school! Wow, I couldn’t believe it! He grew so fast. I think every time I saw him again after a while I said these words.

But my brother and I also did some hikes. Just the two of us. Like we used to do when we were teenagers. We had some great conversations about life, about dreams and hopes and it was the first time I told him that I thought about living in Berlin forever. I couldn’t imagine it. I loved Berlin and I loved living in this city right now. But I couldn’t imagine living there forever. I still saw myself living in LA some day. I wanted to grow old in this city. This was my home, my family and friends lived here and I couldn’t imagine growing old in another city. I also couldn’t believe starting a family far away from LA. They should be born and raised here.

I also met Molly and visited her and little Lorraine for the first time. It felt so good to have another niece. Lorraine was so cute and she also grew so fast! Molly and Eric looked tired but they also looked like the happiest couple around.

So after almost three weeks of being back in LA it was time to fly back to Berlin. But on one of my last days here in California I did a hike just by myself on the Mulholland  Drive. When I was standing at the top of it and took a look at the city suddenly a dog passed me. He was very big and started jumping and snuffing at me. He even licked my hands. I didn’t know this dog but he looked so cute. A bit tousled but I liked dogs like him.

Suddenly I heard a woman screaming his name. First I couldn’t understand it but when the woman came closer I could totally understand his name.

“Bowie! Where are you? Come back!” she screamed. Then she saw me and the dog. I wanted to grab his collar but realized that he didn’t have one. “Oh god, there you are!” the woman said relieved when she saw us. Bowie was sitting next to me smiling. Yes dogs can smile! “Jesus Christ Bowie! What did you do? Why did you run away?” the woman asked her dog. “Sorry, he just ran away so fast I couldn’t stop him” she apologized. “Emma, why didn’t you take care?” she asked her probably eight year old daughter. “Sorry mom, he was so fast” “Yeah, I know” the brunette woman was a bit stressed out but definitely happy that her dog didn’t get lost. “It’s my boyfriend’s dog and sometimes he’s just a little bit crazy” the woman told me. “But it seems as if he really likes you” she said laughing when she saw that Bowie was still licking my fingers. “I’m still sorry”. “Oh it’s totally okay. I have a dog myself. She’s not here but I get along very well with dogs” I told her. “Emma, please next time you give me the dog leash” the woman said while leashing Bowie. Then they said goodbye and went away. I kept looking at them. Although I didn’t know this dog I was wondering why he ran directly to me. I mean, I’ve never seen him before.

Well, sometimes crazy things happen.

 July

Sebastian and I packed our bags and took a flight to Canada to travel with a caravan through the country. We even traveled through Alaska and experienced so many beautiful places. These four weeks went by so fast. It was one of the best adventures in my life. I felt so close to the nature of our wonderful planet. During this journey my feelings for Sebastian got deeper and one day I even caught me thinking about staying in Berlin forever – or at least for a longer time than these planned two years. I had one year to go now but thinking about leaving Berlin and Sebastian made me sad. He was my rock, he was always there for me, I never felt so close to someone. Yes, I even didn’t feel so close to Josh. Although Josh’s and my relationship was very close we weren’t as close as Sebastian and me. Maybe it was because Josh started to distance himself from me at the end of our relationship. I often found myself wondering who he really was.

I forgot all the discussions I had with Sebastian. They were so little right now. After our vacation I realized that living in a healthy and happy relationship with a person you want to share your life with also means compromising. Maybe I needed some time to learn it. But I guess now I was able to compromise and it made me so happy.

When Sebastian and I came back from our journey we visited his parents who took care of little Vilma at that time. We told them about our journey and showed them many pictures we made. While looking at these pictures later at night I realized that I never looked so happy on a photo with my boyfriend. Maybe I needed this vacation to realize that I really loved this man and that I was sure that I wanted to share my life with him. The only thing I didn’t figure out yet was where we should live in the future. For the first time ever Sebastian even told me that he started thinking and imagining leaving Berlin to move with me to LA. I was shocked but also very happy when he told me about it. Again it showed me that he was totally serious with what we had. Although we didn’t have a normal background. When two people from two different countries on two different continents meet and fall in love there will always be a point during their relationship where they have to discuss where to live in the future. I knew we couldn’t live in Berlin for six months and then move to LA for six months. It wasn’t working. So we had to make a decision in the next year. I was afraid of doing it but I also knew that even when we would be apart for a few months or even one year we could do it. Something I wasn’t sure about when I was dating Josh. During that time I always questioned everything. But now I was sure that this relationship would be strong enough to overcome a distance. Even if it was a distance between two continents.

 December

 “I don’t know if I really want it. I mean, it would be like…forever, you know?” I told Marc. We were sitting at a rooftop bar in Berlin. It was almost midnight and we were sitting at this beautiful vintage couch talking for hours. Again my family flew to Berlin to spend´d´d Christmas with Sebastian and me. After last year was such a great experience they decided to do it again this year. I was so grateful that my family accepted my choice to live abroad for a longer time and even visited me for the holidays so we all could spend it together. Because this year Sebastian and I didn’t have time to fly to LA for the holidays. He had to play some special concerts between Christmas and New Years Eve and I had to be back in the office at January 3.

So after the Christmas trouble Marc and I decided to spend one day just the two of us. Maggie and my parents were experiencing Berlin with the kids and Sebastian was on tour. So my brother and I had enough time to have some deep conversations about life.

“Well, it doesn’t need to mean forever. But if you really decide to stay in Berlin for a longer time because of your relationship with Sebastian then it could mean forever, that’s true” Marc said. He was always such an analyst. “I don’t know if I really want to do it. I mean, a few months ago I was totally sure about it but now that my time in Berlin comes to an end in a few months, I don’t know if it would be the right decision” “Did you talk to Sebastian about it?” “Not really….the last time we talked about it I told him that I could imagine staying here in Berlin with him” “And what about him? Can he imagine moving to LA?” “Right now he couldn’t move there but….he said when the band’s current tour will be over in a year, maybe he could move away for one year…..maybe he wants to stay in LA after this year but….in the end he has his band here in Berlin. He’s totally based here and I can’t imagine him moving away forever. I mean, moving to LA with me would mean leaving the band and I don’t think he is ready for it now. Although he sometimes tells me how exhausting touring and all this stuff is but….he loves it. He’s a musician and he’s passionate. Maybe not as passionate as Josh but still….I don’t think he would leave Berlin for me” “Well but then he can’t demand you to stay in Berlin and leave your life in LA behind you.” “I already did it. Kind of” I said. “Yes but it was time limited. Your job was temporary for two years, so in the end you would’ve lived here for 2.5 years. That’s it. You still have your life in LA” “Actually I don’t” I interrupted him. “Why? Sure you have. You have your family there, your friends….” ”Yes, they are living there but I’m not. I moved away two years ago. A lot has changed in LA since I moved away. Some friends got married, became parents….some also moved away. Some settled down. Some started a travelling journey. A lot has changed there and so did I. I also changed. My life completely changed since I moved here to Berlin” “But LA will always be your home town” Marc noted. “I don’t know” “Eileen, come on, you love this city, don’t you? It’s your city, your home” “It is….” I sighed and looked out of the window. The lights of Berlin were shining into my eyes. It looked beautiful but also a bit ugly. Winter in Berlin wasn’t as beautiful and great as some of my friends in California imagined it to be. Surely it was cold, there was a real winter. But most of the time it was ugly weather, barely snow and if there was snow nothing worked. The subway was delayed, the buses had problems and you’re late at every appointment. Yes, maybe that was a typical German thing to think about. Being late. Germans aren’t late. They’re disciplined. “Just think about all the great memories you have of LA and all the great moments you lived there” my brother reminded me of my life in the city of angels. “Yes but if I move back I would start all over again” “But you wouldn’t be alone” “I know” I smiled at him. “Well, the thing is…..you’re right….LA was and will always be my number one city. It’s my hometown” I told him. “See!” Marc grinned. “That’s my little sister!” “The thing is, you can take me away from LA but you can’t take LA away from me. I will always be that little Californian girl with a tanned skin and no matter how often I dye my hair darker it will always get blonde after a few weeks because of the Californian sun” “Yeah!” “I was always an Angelino and always will be. That’s the problem when it comes to my current relationship. Sebastian will always be a Berliner. He’s living here for more than ten years now and grew up just one hour away from the city. “Do you think he could really leave his city?” I thought about it for a moment until I finally came to the conclusion. “No I don’t think so” “Well, then you have a problem. You should really figure out what you want, Eileen. Having a serious relationship with a guy you really love and who truly loves you back is great but what if you two can’t compromise where to live? It’s not a decision if you should live in LA or San Francisco. Even LA and New York would work somehow but….it’s a question whether to live in Europe or America. A decision whether to leave your country forever to move to a new country. Maybe to immigrate here in Berlin. I mean, re-immigrate. You still have your German passport….but, it’s still something….it’s a decision for a lifetime”

Wow hearing these words spoken by my brother made me emotional. He was so right. I had to make a decision some day. Now I had enough time to think about it but in four months I should knew where I would live in the future. Coming back to LA would also mean finding a new job – or at least talking to my former boss in the US if I could still work for him like he promised me two years ago.

But it also meant that I had to think about my future. Not only about my future but also about the future of my future children. Sebastian and I never talked about having a family together and I think since he knew about the loss of my baby three years ago he tried to avoid the topic but I know that he wants children some day. Now that we both are in our mid thirties we could give it a try. But should I really think about starting a family when I still don’t know where to live?

But there was another question my brother asked me which left me questioning a lot of my current life. “Do you love Sebastian deep enough to leave your whole life behind you and stay in Berlin forever?” It hit me. I never thought about it before. I never questioned it before. I knew that I loved him and that was all I needed to know. But I realized that there was more about a serious relationship than being sure you love your partner and your partner loves you back. It’s not easy to share a life with someone else. There are many discrepancies. Maybe that’s the reason why so many marriages don’t work out in the end. People are different and sometimes two lives can’t be combined forever. But I never asked me if I could really leave my whole life behind me. I mean, in a way I already did it – but with a ticket back home after 2.5 years. Although I didn’t have my flat in LA I still had most of my stuff locked into a garage. My family was living there. My best friends were living there. Plus one guy I thought I would love forever. Josh.

Imagining don’t living in the same country as him was strange. It’s not that I missed him or so. I didn’t even listen to the new Chili Peppers album which was released in summer. But somehow it always calmed me down to know that we were both living in the same city – at least we were based there although we both were often out of town. If I would stay in Berlin it would be finally over. I mean, it was already over for three years but if I would stay in Berlin forever we wouldn’t even meet accidentally on the street. He would completely be out of my life forever. Although he already was but….if I would move back to LA we could still run into each other and maybe get along as friends. Who knows?

I looked at Marc who looked at me with this typical ‘You will find your way little sister. You always did’-face. The moment was destroyed by Marcs phone who was ringing. “Oh sorry” he said and looked at it. He obviously got a message. “Who is it?” I asked while drinking my wine. It was already 2am so it must’ve been an American friend and not Maggie or my parents. “It’s just…it’s just a friend who texted me” he said. But the look into his eyes told me that it wasn’t just a friend who texted him. “Who is it?” I asked again. Marc looked at me and finally sighed. “It was Josh” “Josh? I didn’t know you two are in touch” I said surprised. “Well, we weren’t but it changed in the last months. When a friend ask me if I know someone who has knowledge about guitars I thought of Josh and then I texted him and he was totally kind and he came to my friend’s rehearsal room and gave him and me a lot of information about guitars and gave him many tips. My friend was like ‘Did you just call Josh Klinghoffer to give me some advice for a new guitar?’. He couldn’t believe it” Marc told me laughing. “But Josh was very nice and kind and he stayed for a few hours and in the end they even jammed” Wow, I didn’t know that Marc was in touch again with Josh. I mean, it was okay for me. They two liked each other and I was the last one who could say anything against it. “So since then we’re in touch” Marc ended his explanation. “I even went out with him and the guys from Dot Hacker for a few drinks. And now he texted me to ask if I want to be at their show in two weeks” “Oh, are they really touring?” I wondered. They never really did a whole tour yet. “No, they only play a special show in El Sereno and he asked if I want to come” Surely, as nice as Josh is, he asked my brother if he wants to come. “So you go?” “I think so” “Great….greet him” “I will” he said. “Then he’s doing fine I guess” I said and I didn’t know which answer I wanted to hear. Did I want to hear that he was fine, he was happy and got his shit together? Or did I want to hear that he was not doing fine because he was still struggling with our break up because he was still in love with me? No….I mean, no….I couldn’t thinks so. “He’s doing great! He’s very happy with Helen” Helen. Right. Molly mentioned her to me once. I stopped asking her about him afterwards. Maybe I didn’t want to hear how happy he was. “Helen, his new girlfriend?” I asked my brother. He nodded. “Yes, she’s very nice” “You know her?” I was surprised. “I met her once. She’s very nice, very down to earth. She’s just a normal woman from LA. I think she makes him happy” Marc told me. “And Josh is getting along very well with her daughter. He’s a great stepdad”

Urgh. I didn’t want to hear that. Definitely not. It only leads me to the question if maybe Josh was already looking forward in having own kids with Helen? “Hm…..good to hear” I lied a bit lost in thoughts. Now my brother obviously noticed that I didn’t want to hear more about Helen and Josh. “Sorry, I didn’t want to talk about it” “It’s okay” I lied. “Actually it makes me happy to hear that he’s happy too” I said.

After a few minutes of silence and drinking our drinks my brother finally came out with one last question that totally shocked me. “Um Eileen, may I ask you a question?” “Marc, we’re talking for four hours now. You asked me so many questions…..why are you asking this dumb question? Sure you can. Go ahead” I laughed. “Okay, um….would you choose Josh over Sebastian?”

Wait. What?

“Marc, what a silly question” “No, actually it’s a question you should ask yourself” “Why?” “Because….I have the feeling you still think about him a lot. I believe you that you love Sebastian and that he makes you happy. But the way you looked at me when I told you about Josh….the way you talked about LA and always mentioned your friends and also Josh….it just left me questioning if maybe you’re still a bit into him” “No….Marc! I love Sebastian and I would never ever choose Josh over him” I said. “Okay, just a question”

But the more minutes passed by, the more I thought about this question. Maybe I should ask myself if I would choose Sebastian over Josh. And to be honest….I didn’t know the answer. They were both very different from another. Although both are musicians living with each one of them was different. Right now I loved Sebastian, I was sure. But what if I would meet Josh again. It was already 1.5 years ago that I saw him for the last time. So what if I would run into him tomorrow? Without Sebastian by my side. Would I still be so calm and unimpressed like I was back at the Baby Shower? At that time I was totally in love with Sebastian, we were only dating for a year and still on cloud nine. But now that time passed by and we were already dating for 2.5 years feelings can change. You’re still in love and you love your boyfriend or girlfriend but you’re not on cloud nine every day. That’s the difference.

“Eileen, would you?” “Well” I finally sighed and looked into my glass of wine. “I don’t know” “I knew it” Marc said. “I knew you couldn’t say if you wouldn’t choose Josh over Sebastian. Because Josh is your kryptonite” “He’s what?” “You’re kryptonite. The one that go away. The one you still think about and imagine how it could be if you two would’ve figured it out” “Please, can we talk about something else?” I asked him. “We can” my brother agreed. “But maybe you should take some time to think about my question. If you’re still unsure about the answer in three months when you should have decided to stay in Berlin or not, then I don’t think staying here is the right decision” he said.

Marc was right. I thought about his words until the next morning. I didn’t sleep any hour. I just laid there thinking if maybe he was right. Maybe my brother was right and Josh was my kryptonite I could never really forget. Maybe he was the one but now I was happy with someone else? What I was sure about was that there was still a little piece in my heart that was wondering if Josh and I could get back together someday. But how?

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