#christmas means carnage

[fortheloveofexy]

Right now, Andrew and Neil are waving goodbye to the last few stragglers (Renee and Allison) as they head out the door with an armload of opened presents and leftover Christmas dinner. The others have all left already, all equally loaded down with gifts and Tupperware of food. Neil lets Allison hug him goodbye one last time before he closes the door. He turns to Andrew with a tired smile, still a little tipsy from spiked eggnog and the last dregs holiday spirit.

Andrew quirks an eyebrow at him and nods at the tree. Nestled in the back corner are two little boxes still wrapped in red and gold. They'd decided to wait to exchange gifts with each other until after the others went home, wanting to have this moment to themselves.

Andrew extracts their presents while Neil tucks himself onto the couch. The living room is mostly tidy, the carnage of ribbon and wrapping paper already gathered into neatly tied garbage bags. All that remains are a few wads of tissue paper left out for King and Sir to play with.

"You first," Andrew says, thrusting a box into Neil's hand. Neil accepts the gift with a grin that turns into a yawn. Andrew's wrapping is surprisingly neat, with crisp even edges and a minimal amount of tape.

Neil tears open the paper carefully, revealing the navy blue jewelry box inside. It's a necklace; a silver pendant shaped like a key. There's no inscription, but there doesn't need to be; Neil already knows what it means.

Home.

"Thank you," he tells Andrew, and he knows he's being gooey when he says it, because Andrew gets that look where he's feeling something too big to name and defaults to annoyance instead. "Your turn," Neil adds, because he's capable of mercy when he wants to be.

Wordlessly, Andrew opens his gift. His box is a little bigger than Neil's was, wrapped in soft red suede. Inside is a brand new Swiss Army knife - smaller than the blades Andrew used to carry, but no less useful.

Engraved upon the handle is a single word: Always.

"I know you said you didn't need your old knives anymore," Neil explains quickly, "But this one isn't just for protection. It's got everything; a bottle opener, a file, a flashlight - anything you might need. You'll never be without again."

Andrew considers the knife, his thumb rubbing idly against the engraving. His knee is warm where it's pressed against Neil's thigh, his expression thoughtful and relaxed. Finally, he sets the knife aside, resting it gently on the coffee table.

Neil opens his mouth to ask a question, but he's interrupted by Andrew cupping his cheek with a calloused hand. "You and your 'always'," Andrew murmurs, his eyes on Neil's mouth, "Yes or no?"

Neil smiles before leaning in. "Yes," he replies, and meets Andrew's lips with his own.

[morallyinept]

🌶️ - Contains smut 🖤 - Dark Themes ☁️ - Fluff 😭 - Angst 🌈 - GN/M!Reader 🎄- Seasonal

MAIN MASTERLIST | GIFLET MASTERLIST | KO-FI ☕

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[tagsecretsanta]

From @katiedido2

From @katiedido2 to @idontknowreallywhy

Prompts:

- Scott says “Langstrom Fischler” in that way only he can.

- Marshmallows

- Christmas singalong with Virgil

I was able to incorporate two of the three prompts into my story. Happy Christmas!

-o-o-o-

“Virgil, where are you?... Virgil?” 

All Scott Tracy heard was static.

“John?... Gordon?... Kayo?” His eyes were feverish and over-bright, and he found he was trembling. His voice shook. “Alan?” 

There was static. Damned, unwavering static. 

Staggering through the carnage, he spotted Eos’ portable discus. The lights flashed, and Scott felt a flicker of hope. Pulling the discus from the debris, he wiped the screen.

“Eos? Eos, where are my brothers and Kayo?”

“I am unable to locate them, Scott.”

“What do you mean? What is their status?”

The AI was silent, the lights of its portable discus flashing angrily. 

“Eos?”

“I am unable to reach them.” Eos paused, lights blinking with uncertainty. “I fear the worst….” 

“Wha-? No. No. No!” Scott’s eyes closed, and he clenched Eos’ discus. “Nooo!!”

“This wasn’t my fault.”

Scott opened his eyes. “What?” 

An agitated man stood in the near distance with his hands on his hips. 

“This wasn’t my fault!” His indignant tone was infuriating.

A growl escaped Scott. “Langstrom Fischler!”

“Yes, that is Fischler. Somehow, he survived.”

Scott cried out in anguish, throwing Eos like a frisbee in frustration and despair. It gracefully arced, slicing through the air. And he watched as it silently, lethally, and with grim finality decapitated Fischler before zinging back to his hand. 

“Eos?”

“That was revenge for your brothers and Kayo.”

“Eos?”

“I’m sorry, Scott. You are all that remains of International Rescue.”

-o-o-o-

“NOOOOOOOOOOO!!” 

The cry of anguish died on his lips as Scott opened his eyes. He found himself sitting on his bed in his room on Tracy Island, panting. Shaking hands wiped tears from his cheeks. 

“That must have been one helluva nightmare.”

Suddenly alert, Scott jerked his gaze to the chair in the corner of his room.

“Are you okay?”

Scott opened his mouth to reply, and a sob escaped. 

Virgil leapt from the chair, crossing to sit on the edge of his brother’s bed. He gently drew Scott into his arms, cradling him. 

Scott wept, supported by the strong arms encased in warm, comforting flannel. Virgil muttered soothing nonsense words, stroking his brother’s back and carding a hand through his hair until he calmed. 

When he felt his brother’s weight sag against him, Virgil kissed his temple and pulled back to look at him. “Are you doing better?”

Scott nodded and wiped his nose on the sleeve of his t-shirt. 

“Eeww, gross. Scott, this is why we have tissues.” Virgil reached for a box on a bedside table and handed it to Scott.

Grabbing a tissue, Scott blew his nose and wiped his face before throwing it in the trash. 

“Wanna talk about it?”

Nodding, Scott scooted back to lean against the headboard. Virgil climbed on the bed, joining him against the headboard. He sat quietly, giving his eldest brother space to answer.

“It was a Fischler rescue gone wrong.”

“Ah.” Virgil squeezed his shoulder. 

“Yeah.” Scott loved that he didn’t have to explain things for Virgil to understand him. 

There was a tap at the door, which opened to reveal John holding a tray with mugs on it. 

“Oh, good. You’re awake. Do we know why he was screaming?”

Virgil grimaced. “Very bad nightmare.”

John nodded. “As we suspected.”

“What is this?” Scott was curious about the potential goodies on John’s tray. 

“We heard you shout and found you in the throes of what appeared to be a really bad nightmare.”

“Virgil offered to stay with you if I went and made you some hot cocoa. Want a mug?” John waggled his eyebrows. “It’s got extra marshmallows.” Scott held out his hand, and John handed him a mug loaded with a mountain of small marshmallows. John handed Virgil a mug and took one for himself before setting the tray on the dresser near the door.

“What else is on the tray?”

John and Virgil exchanged looks and smiled. Scott could always sniff out an apple confection.

“I warmed up a few apple pie cookies Lady P brought from London.”

“Okay, but why are you leaving them so far away?” Scott tried to hide his pout but failed.

Virgil guffawed. “Scott.”

And John laughed. “Cocoa first, then cookies.”

Their eldest brother huffed. “Fiiine.”

They sat quietly for a few minutes, enjoying their cocoa. They admired their cocoa/marshmallow mustaches before wiping them away. John collected their empty mugs and dropped them on the tray. He returned to Scott’s bed with the plate of cookies. 

“Ready to talk about your nightmare?”

“No?”

“It had something to do with Fischler.” Scott shot Virgil a look. “What? It did.”

“Okay. Then, we have to talk about it.” John nibbled on a cookie.

Sighing, Scott took a bite of his cookie and chewed. “It…it was a Fischler rescue that ended predictably.”

Virgil chuckled. “So everyone died.” 

John joined him. “I hope Eos enacted revenge and took him out, at least.”

“Um…yeah.”

The younger brothers looked at each other. “Oh.” 

Virgil scooted closer to Scott. “Now you have to tell us about it.”

“Why?”

“Because the haunting nightmare rescue nightmare will haunt you until you do.”

“That doesn’t make any sense.”

“Of course it does.”

“John.” Scott hated whinging, but he wanted reinforcement.

“I’m with Virgil, big bro. Sorry.” John crossed his arms and nudged Scott's knee with his foot. “Spill.”

Scott accepted defeat. “Fine.”

Virgil and John listened to the lethal thing Fischler had done in Scott’s nightmare, involving Fischler Industries fertilizer, the Australian Outback and sunlight. The room was silent when Scott finished recounting his nightmare. 

Virgil’s dark brows knit together. “Even Thunderbird Two was lost?” He was struggling to accept that Fischler had irrevocably destroyed his ship.

Scott chuckled wryly. “Afraid so, Virg.”

“Wow.”

“I think I need to talk with Eos about retribution.”

Stifling a yawn, Scott agreed. “That’s a good idea.”

“Okay, flyboy, time to get some rest.”

“Don’t medic me, Virgil.” 

“I’m not. We will likely have a busy day tomorrow, and you need sleep. Come on, we’ll help you remake your bed.” The brothers rose from the bed. Virgil returned the cookie plate to the tray, and John and Scott shook out his bedding. 

“I agree with him, Scott,” John said as he fluffed a pillow. “We need some sleep before a situation arises.”

“And with the holidays, people are more apt to get into serious trouble than usual.” Virgil smoothed the blanket and folded down the top sheet. 

“Okay, okay… Oh, look at the time. Well, thanks for sitting and talking with me.” Virgil and John smirked at each other. It was almost two in the morning. “What? Do I want to know?”

“You know the nightmare protocol, Scott.” Virgil drew back the bedding and gestured for Scott to lie down.

“That was for Alan when he was little.”

“It was a bad nightmare, Scott.”

“And you shouldn’t be alone.” Virgil gently elbowed his eldest brother into bed. 

Scott climbed into bed and sat up on his elbows. “What does that mean?”

“Duh. It means we’re staying,” John nudged Scott to the center of the bed and lay down. Virgil crossed to the other side of the bed and climbed in next to Scott.

“I don’t want to listen to Virgil snore all night.”

“And yet, you sleep better when you do.”

“Do not,” Scott said under his breath.

The younger brothers smirked at each other. “You’re stuck with us, bro.”

“Fine, fine.” 

Virgil held out an arm for Scott to snuggle into him. Rolling his eyes, Scott said nothing as he settled into his brother’s comforting embrace. John turned off the light and lay on his back, providing Scott the comfort of proximity without touching him.

“Good night, Scott.”

“Good night, Virgil.”

“Good night, Scott.”

“Good night, John.”

“Good night, Vir-”

“Ohmigod. Guys, stop. We’re not the Waltons.”

They giggled. 

“There are enough of us.” 

“There really are.”

“Oh, to have been an only child.”

John nudged Scott with his elbow. “You love us and wouldn’t have it any other way.”

Scott sighed. “Yeah. Yeah.”

They lay quietly for a moment before…

“Did you know it’s the early morning of the day of Christmas Eve?”

“Joohnnn.”

“What? It is.”

Virgil chuckled. “Guys. Sleep. We’re going to have a busy day tomorrow.”

“Okay, Virgil.”

“Fiine… I love you both. Thank you for being here.”

“Always, big bro. Always.” 

Shortly after they settled, all three brothers were snoring softly. 

~fin~

-o-o-o-

Footnote: The Waltons was a US TV show that ran from 1972-81. It was about a large, close-knit family living in rural Virginia during the 1930’s & 40’s. At the end of each episode, all the family members would wish each other goodnight, and, because they were a large family, it went on for a while. 

[ithebookhoarder]

🎄 Spending Christmas at Wayne manor (The Bat!Fam x Reader)

A/N: I said I'd be back with more Christmas content. What can I say? It's a Christmas miracle ✨ Well, more like the fact that the Christmas holidays are the first chance I've had to really sit and force myself to finish the things I've had sitting in my drafts for MONTHS... Who knew being an adult could be so time consuming 😅

Masterlist

First of all, Christmas would be a big deal at Wayne Manor. 

Like, if you don’t think Bruce is making up for all those Christmases spent alone with Alfred as a child then you have got another thing coming. 

No matter what villain decides to try and ruin the holiday with another crazy scheme, he WILL be back in time to enjoy the holidays come hell or high water. 

It has led to some great shots on TV of the Joker sitting outside the GCPD come Christmas morning, wrapped ornately in a bow. 

Each of you would have a stocking over the fireplace in the main hall, even if you don’t celebrate the holiday. It’s more of a commemorative event in the Wayne family anyway, offering everyone a rare chance to act like a normal-ish family for once and having your name up amongst everyone else’s makes you feel oddly gooey and warm inside. 

As does the sight of the MASSIVE tree sitting in the main Hall, absolutely smothered in decorations.

It’s a weird tradition, but Bruce insists that the tree is gathered from the extensive grounds surrounding the house, as it was when he was a kid. 

He enjoys watching everyone pulling decorations from the box, allowing them each to buy a new one of their own to add to the collection. 

How Alfred manages to get the star on top astounds you, but you suspect Damian (the sneaky demon) had something to do with it. 

Which is odd, as Damian hates the holidays - or so he says. 

He even threatens to try and stab Jason when he tries to put him in an ugly Christmas sweater for the family Christmas card photo.   

Still, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love getting gifts. In fact, he tries to act aloof but you notice him smiling to himself later on, after he opens the gift you bought for him. 

“See Todd - my gift is the best. I told you they like me most!”

He’s also very proud to give you his gift in return, having prided himself on getting the one thing you most wanted after you briefly mentioned it months ago. 

“Unlike the others, I actually pay attention and remember things.” 

Like how he also remembers to avoid all the places Jason sneakily hid mistletoe in the hopes of catching people out at the holiday party. 

You are not so lucky. 

Speaking of, Jason would be banned from making drinks after his first round of egg-nog almost blinds you all.

“I’m simply putting the merry in merry Christmas!” He’d argue, but Bruce would simply glare and swipe the key to the liquor cabinet, grumbling about why he ever thought adopting annoying teenagers was a good idea. 

Alfred patiently tolerating carnage as you all try to help with baking holiday goods. Flying flour and slipping over egg yolks is practically a tradition by this point

However, you are all banned from the kitchen when it’s time for him to prepare Christmas dinner. It’s a military operation for this one man army, and you best believe he has everything broken down on a perfectly calculated schedule. 

Not even Bruce is brave enough to get in the butler’s way.

Meanwhile, Tim would be busting the festive tunes out, knowing which songs people really hate and making sure to blast them on repeat. 

He’s also the one trying to get you all to play a game or something, even if he full well knows Monopoly has been banned in this house for a reason. 

Dick ends up trying to be the peacemaker after world war three nearly breaks out after a rather heated round of charades. 

Thankfully, dinner would interrupt you all and peace would reign long enough for you all to devour the feast Alfred has put together.

You even hold it together long enough for Bruce to attempt his usual holiday toast, before he eventually gives up after being heckled one too many times. 

You then follow dinner with a movie marathon together, whilst Alfred insists on cleaning up after everyone. You have a usual list of movies that you all can agree on watching, cued up and ready to go. 

To be honest, it’s probably the best part of the day as everyone sits there, drowsy from a full belly, and laughing at some cheesy movie playing on the screen. 

It’s never a surprise that you all end up passing out later in the evening. In fact, Bruce and Alfred think it’s the most magical moment, watching you all asleep on one another (they have taken many a picture to treasure the rare moment)

They also tuck you all under blankets with a fond smile, before wishing you a very merry Christmas. 

[emylilas]

I know Love Actually is a Christmas romcom but my fics are never ready on time (the Easter chocolate hunt fic is staring at me in my WIP files).

Now, the real question is, should I write this 👇?  I did spend way too long writing that plot that was supposed to be short.

Vincent is a stage actor. The company he’s in will be playing God of Carnage, from the French playwright Yasmina Reza. This play presents two couples seemingly politely discussing the fact that one of the sons hit the other. Vincent is one of the fathers and Adriel plays the other one. Unlike Vincent, Adriel has made his career in Hollywood, he is well-known and well-loved by the public. Adriel’s ego makes him insufferable for everyone in the company but that’s not why Vincent is having such a hard time working with him. No. They have history together, and Vincent hasn’t forgotten that. 

Beatrice, the play director ー said to be one of the most promising directors of her generation ー is trying her best to ease the tensions between her two male leads because the words have gotten out that movie-star Adriel and his co-star could not stand each other. She doesn’t want that kind of press for her play. Ava, working at the opening, lets her know whenever journalists are trying to get information. 

Ava dreams of being a movie star. Waiting for an opportunity to present itself, she shares an apartment with her older sister, Shannon, and Shannon’s friend, Lilith. 

Shannon has graduated with a journalism degree and is now struggling with her debuts. As for Lilith, she works in a small flower shop. 

SEPTEMBER, 29th. That’s where she meets Camila, a student in computer science who likes to do random good things for people and who has decided, that day, to pick flowers for people in the nearest hospital. Shannon, passing by the shop to drop Lilith’s keys she forgot in the morning, sees Camila struggling with the many bouquets she has ー she offers to help her.

Mary works in this hospital as a nurse in oncology. Her patients find Camila’s initiative lovely. As a public hospital underfunded, nurses and doctors are overworked, there aren’t enough beds, patients must sometimes be left waiting in the hallways and wait for hours before someone can come check on them. It’s a shock for Shannon, because she can tell it’s not a lack of care from the staff, it’s a fault in the system.

Shannon wants to do something. She asks Mary what she thinks of the possibility of Shannon writing an article about the current situation in collaboration with nurses and clinicians. She doesn’t want sensationalism, she wants to raise awareness and point fingers where the fault lies. Mary is reluctant at first but eventually notices Shannon only means well. She suggests she talks to upper directions.

Mary’s best friend is Suzanne, a teacher, who’s Vincent’s little sister. Between her clumsy enthusiastic assistant, Yasmine, who means well but requires a lot of her time, her kind yet exhausting pupils and her brother’s awful mood because of Adriel, Suzanne has been begging Mary for a weekend away, just the two of them, to flee the stress of her everyday life. This little getaway would also be a great opportunity for Suzanne to set Mary on a date with a perfect stranger, since Mary has rejected anyone Suzanne knows.

OCTOBER, 15th. Tonight is the opening night and it couldn’t possibly be worse. Vincent and Adriel aren’t talking to each other, they refuse to get out of their respective lodge for the finale rehearsal and Beatrice has no other choice than to call their respective agents. She regrets her decision the moment she realises Francesco Duretti, Vincent’s agent from O.C.S, and Jillian Salvius, Adriel’s agent from F.B.C, are sworn enemies in their own business, constantly trying to steal each other’s actors. Despite their mutual contempt, they need to get the two actors back on stage before tonight, which won’t be easy considering Adriel won’t talk to Jillian and Vincent is ignoring Francesco’s calls.

Ava is the one who suggests to Jillian that she tries talking to Vincent’s sister because she’s the only one who scares him enough to get him to do anything. Ava has overheard Suzanne mention her students once, but she’s not sure which school it is, just that it’s nearby. Jillian visits three schools before finding the right one. Suzanne finds it weird, yet not completely not funny, to know that this stranger has been looking for the most part of her afternoon so she agrees to talk to her brother. Vincent eventually agrees to come out of his lodge and if Adriel doesn’t want any bad press, he has to play along.

The opening night goes smoothly, as opposed to the entire day. Everyone is in the room. Yasmine came with her roommate Camila who came with Lilith who herself came with Ava and Shannon. Mary came with Suzanne. Jillian and Francesco are there to make sure their actors won’t try running away during intermission. Everyone gets to stay for the After Party, Beatrice lets Ava know her friends are more than welcome.

Suzanne gets to meet Shannon and she quickly notices her interest in Mary that has grown while the two of them were working together for the article. And Suzanne has heard a lot about Shannon from her friend. She just needs to get Mary to be brave enough to ask Shannon on a date. 

Yasmine, Camila and Lilith hang out together, they like staying near the buffet and try to guess people’s most embarrassing secrets.

Ava gets the courage to tell Beatrice that she inspires her. Beatrice could faint but eventually confesses to her that she kept her distance because she was scared Ava’s attempt at getting closer only was to get a first role somewhere. It hurts Ava that Beatrice would think something like that but she understands it must have happened before for it to be such a strong fear. She promises she has no secret interests behind her willingness to get to know Beatrice better.

Jillian manages to steal Suzanne from her brother, Francesco and their friends for a few minutes. She thanks her again for allowing the situation to go back to normal. Suzanne is reluctant to talk to the agent, Francesco has warned her about Jillian Salvius’ questionable methods. Jillian ensures her that her brother is not the one she’s interested in. She tells Suzanne that if she ever gets bored of the five men she seems to be destined to spend her evening with, she can come find her later. Later that night, Suzanne gets a text from an unknown number:

“You didn’t come.” “How did you get my number?” “Questionable methods ;)” “You had already left.”

Jillian actually asked Ava if she could ask Suzanne’s number to Vincent. Ava instead asked her sister to ask Mary. Jillian had left the party in a hurry after a call from her babysitter informing her that her son, Michael, was running a fever. Her 8 years old only recently recovered from leukaemia. His first nurse when he was 4 was Mary.

NOVEMBER, 2nd. Taking a walk in the city with Suzanne, Mary recognises Jillian and Michael in a park. She tells Suzanne she needs to say hi. That’s how Suzanne meets Michael for the first time and how Mary understands Jillian is the woman Suzanne has been talking to since the opening night without ever agreeing to meet her on a proper date. Michael tells Mary that, for Halloween, he was dressed as Dr Noru, the scary chief of oncology. Mary laughs, because Dr Noru was indeed terrifying. Later that day, Mary offers Suzanne a deal: if she goes on a date with Jillian, she’ll ask Shannon out. It’s a deal.

NOVEMBER, 10th. Ava knows it’s Beatrice’s birthday. She asks Lilith and Shannon to disappear for the night so she can have their place. She cooks, bakes, and decorates the room for Beatrice. She buys her flowers, the English tea that Ava has noticed Beatrice had run out of, and she has collected all positive reviews about the play and specifically Beatrice as a director in a journal that she’ll give to her. She knows Beatrice doesn’t have plans so she calls her and asks her to come over because she has some very important news to share with her. Beatrice is grumpy when she shows up, thinking Ava is going to tell her she was offered her first role and would soon have to leave. She bursts into tears when she realises what Ava has done for her. It turns out Ava is a great baker but a terrible cook. They end up ordering food and spend the entire evening talking. Ava asks if Beatrice wants to stay over. They fall asleep in Ava’s room, watching a movie together.

In the meantime, Lilith is enjoying board game night at Yasmine and Camila’s. They have invited their friends Hans, Todd and Chanel to join them and Lilith really enjoys Chanel’s company. 

Shannon has asked Mary if she was free tonight because her sister was kicking her out of home. Mary’s shift supposedly ended at 8pm. It’s 10 when she finally gets out. She’s too tired to go anywhere and Shannon offers to just make them both dinner and then let Mary sleep. Mary tells her she can stay. Shannon is shy and doesn’t want to cross any boundaries so when Mary is asleep, she leaves a note on the kitchen counter and goes back home where she finds burnt cannelloni in the shrink.

DECEMBER, 14th. Suzanne’s class goes to visit the Science Museum with another class that turns out to be Michael’s class. He’s happy to see her, she’s been at his home a few times lately but has never stayed long. He spends the whole visit holding her hand. When it’s time for parents to come pick their children, Michael’s teacher complains that Jillian is late again. Suzanne tells her to go, she’ll bring Michael home, she knows his mother. When Jillian opens the door, she’s paler than usual and she’s slightly shaking. Food poisoning, she explains to Suzanne. There’s no risk for Michael to catch it so they should be fine. She thanks Suzanne for bringing him home. Suzanne doesn’t leave her a choice and walks in. She helps Michael with her homework, makes Jillian rest on the couch with a bucket on the ground for emergencies and busies herself with making something for dinner that Jillian’s stomach might not immediately reject.

DECEMBER, 20th. Love actually is a Christmas movie so it’s Christmas!

It’s the last day the theatre is open for the season and the last representation of Gods of carnage tonight. They’re having a little Christmas party after. It’s just them, it’s nothing much but Ava insisted they did a Secret Santa this year with the possibility of only giving something homemade. After the party, Ava asks Beatrice what she’s going to do for Christmas. Beatrice won’t fly home. There’s nothing stopping her from accepting Ava’s invitation to come celebrate Christmas Eve and Christmas and Post Christmas with her, her sister and their friends. Neither Ava or Beatrice are very certain of what they are to each other. Both hope.

Lilith invited Camila and Yasmine and told them to bring Hans, Todd and Chanel if they had nothing better to do. Todd will spend the holidays with his family but Hans won’t go back to Switzerland and Chanel has lost contact with her family, they’re delighted to have this Christmas time with their friends. Shannon and Ava can’t stop teasing Lilith at how delighted she is to learn that Chanel will be here.

Shannon knows Mary will be working on Christmas and asks if it’s okay if she comes to the hospital to spend time with her during her breaks. She could bake Christmas cookies for the patients and the staff. Mary tells her that will make a lot of Christmas cookies. Shannon spends the whole day baking to make sure there are enough for everyone.

It’s the last day of school and when Suzanne hands the last kid to his parents and tells them to enjoy the holidays, she notices Yasmine coming back with Michael’s hand glued to hers. “He was looking for you.” Michael wants Suzanne to spend Christmas with them. Disclosed reason: she needs to save them from Jillian’s cooking. Secret reason: he saw mistletoe at the flower shop near their house and is planning to buy some for his mum and her friend who should really be her girlfriend instead. Suzanne calls Jillian to make sure she doesn’t go into cardiac arrest when Michael’s teacher tells her he’s already left. Suzanne drops him home and before she leaves, Jillian shyly asks what her plans for the holidays are.

CHRISTMAS filled with Christmas activities (hot chocolate, gingerbread houses, decorating a tree, Christmas cooking, Christmas movies, board games, ice skiing, snowball fight, building a snowman, cuddling by the fireplace, kissing under the mistletoe, last minute Christmas shopping…)

SO, should I write this?

[the-kettle-whistles]

(out of context) things my younger sister has said

y'all I have been compiling this since last year :")

“give me the crog"

“I never said an 8 ton baby could do my job”

“o̷̢̦͐̑͝ͅw̸̢̪̟̖̏a̷̲̩̮̒͋͆ ̷̼̐͝o̷̧͕̪̠͊́̚w̴̩̙͑̅̈́ḁ̷̢̾̽̋̔ͅ”

*panicking* “Why My Bed Crispy”

“She like that cheese stank”

"Why is everyone named ‘Guy’ ugly”

“I hope you explode. It infuriates me that there’s still air in your lungs”

“It’s holding on by the butt stick”

“I’m trying to reminisce on phone guy memories”

“My foot is baby sized compared to your giant man feet”

”imagine being named Mark. Like it’s so embarrassing you’re name is Markus”

“What Do You Mean I’m A Threat To Human Civilization”

“You have Walter White’s hairline”

“You just have me a glaucoma test with your mouth”

"i almost broke my toe. slay"

"i'm trying to enjoy the scenery but you just keep giving me free glaucoma tests"

"the dog is knocking. let them in"

*scooby doo voice* "come here"

“I just had a terrible vision of a ferret-rat-shark and it looked at me and smiled with human teeth”

*screams* *burps loudly*

"I want a frickin' boiga"

"You dummy, we all know it's swipe left for love!"

"my hands smell like a boiga"

"I've killed millions"

"I love it when machines do my dirty work"

"I'm stuck in a heck hole"

"It feels like I'm listening to smooth brain Christmas"

"Dude I ate like 9 enchiladas over the past 2 days"

"My spicy zinger for tonight is asbestos"

"Yo yo yo, chancy bust a move"

"This tastes like grass but with out the "g r""

"Men will be like "I'm such a gentleman" and then ruin abunch of people's lives"

"One of us is dumber and it's not me"

"You got a boy? How many you pullin'???"

"You look like baby Gabriel in those Jesus things"

"'Never have babies' that's what i always say"

"you can't have an overpopulation of 8 legged friends on your skin, you know that, right?"

"he did. he wanted me for real"

"men with beefy forearms. they're like crossfit gods"

"men are beautiful. and women, too. women are also fine" *a moment of silence* "sorry that sounded kind of sussy"

"You can find gay people in the wildest places. Just like pokemon"

"You look like a drown teddy bear"

"Thanks. I feel less evil"

"That's really ugly but there's such a beauty in things that are hideous"

"Urine throne of mass destruction and sewage carnage"

"I want the tickle me elmo so bad it makes me sick"

"This is all hypothetical. You guys are insane"

"Sometimes the world doesn't give you what you want and you have to cope with it by smelling my cheesey breath"

haha decided to post this at 11 at night and kind of sick on a whim

[mermaidsirennikita]

Have you read the Maiden Lane series? I know is a long one so I was wondering if you could rank them? I have only read up to book 5

Omg YES. I love Maiden Lane. It's so good. An all time favorite series of mine. I will say: I haven't read Wicked Temptations a) because I hear it's kinda different from the others, not surprising because it's a first book and b) it took me forever to find in paperback (I mean to be fair I could've totally gotten it on eBay lol, but I forgot and I finally found it at a used bookstore) it's never in any of my library systems in paperback or E, and I didn't want to get it on my kindle if I could possibly find it on E. c) Now I'm down to two full length Hoyt historicals and she's a top author for me, so I'm kinda saving it.

But yes, of the ones I've read:

Thief of Shadows--I find this to be an incredible book, it has my favorite virgin hero of all time, I love the emotionality, the lack of a magic baby, an incredible hero/heroine dynamic. I will never not love this book.

Scandalous Desires--another one I just adore, it has one of my favorite "rakish her/moral heroine" dynamic. I love that she is very pure but she's not a virgin. I love the baby in this book, rare for me. I love the pirate ship setting. The way she says "I love you" during sex and he climaxes IMMEDIATELY lol.

Duke of Midnight--this is apparently a controversial but brave opinion, because Maximus is a SUPER alpha, kinda major asshole hero. I just love the quiet but firm way that Artemis responds to him, and his totally deluded dirty talk (he calls her Diana, he tells her while he's literally inside her about how he's gonna keep her in a hunting lodge and shit lol), the sex scenes are FIRE. The line "take my come for it's all I can give you" is WILD and I adore it. Also, HE IS THE NIGHT!!! AND HE HAS A GEORGIAN HOME GYM.

Sweetest Scoundrel--I really love a hero who seems like a rogue but actually has a deeply good and gentle heart once he realizes that the heroine isn't as tough as she seems, and Asa Makepeace IS that. I love that he's so respectful of Eve's boundaries while also really admiring her emotional strength and willingness to try new things with him. Also--that carriage scene? GIRL. GIRL. ICONIC.

Duke of Sin--I just really admire the absolutely insanity of this book. I also enjoy a villain hero who really doesn't reform at the end. He's just in love. He still does villainy, but he's found love and he prioritizes his love. Also, Bridget, similarly to Artemis, watches his carnage and goes "Well" which is a thing I have a weakness for. Just a heroine shaking her head and being like "I don't know what I expected.

Dearest Rogue--this one is really sweet, especially by the bananas standards of Maiden Lane. I love a bodyguard romance, and I also appreciated the fact that the heroine was blind and a good bit younger than the heroine but not infantilized. Plus, it's a good roadtrip romance.

Lord of Darkness--a "put a baby in me" romance, which I ALWAYS love. I love that this one has a mild-mannered professor type hero who like, wears spectacles and a "Night Before Christmas" sleeping cap lol. But he puts it DOWN. After an initially awkward encounter. I also love an initially awkward encounter.

Duke of Pleasure--the Return of the Ghost of St. Giles, one of the truly wildest "fakeout makeout" (except it isn't fake and is waaaay more than a makeout lol) scenes, and a cross-dressing heroine initiated into the sensual world~ by an older man. So fun.

Notorious Pleasures--controversial for cheating reasons (and Maximus is introduced and... really doesn't come off well lol) but I find it so fun. Very illicitaffairs.mp3, kinda low stakes compared to a lot of the other books, a solid romp.

Duke of Desire--this one is VERY dark and very intense, and while I think it's a beautifully written recovery book, I found it a lot heavier than Sweetest Scoundrel. Which isn't a wrong move, but it is a very sad, very emotional book you really need to be in the right emotional place for.

Darling Beast--I really need to reread this one, because I don't know if I was in right mood for it. And I do appreciate the interplay between the hero and heroine, the fact that the heroine has a job (and is an actress) and the fact that they can't speak to each other for a good while? Like I said, really need to reread.

But overall, even a mid Maiden Lane book is better than a lot of other historicals. Elizabeth Hoyt just has IT. I love the fact that these books are often about more working class or middle class characters, not just the nobility. I love the big, ambitious, wacky plots. I love the heat factor (she writes a great sex scene). It's just great.

[mojowitchcraft]

Fave WIP Round Up [Part 6]

Find the rest of my WIP Recs here

offer your throat, starve without me by jackpack Rated E | Words: 139k | Chapters: 22/24

At first, it’s just squirrels. Well. Saying it’s just squirrels is like saying in a thunderstorm, what’s coming down is just water: it’s not the substance that’s remarkable, it’s the amount. So, then: at first, it’s a lot of squirrels. -- Eddie Munson is a vampire. Steve Harrington just wants everyone he knows alive until Christmas.

Chiroptera [Series] by @stevieschrodinger Rated G-E | Words: 32k | Works: 5

Steve opens his bedroom door to find...absolute carnage. His bed has moved, the mattress is off the frame, there’s blankets and pillows strewn everywhere, feathers swirling in the air. “Eddie?” Eddie pops up on the other side of the bed, shirtless and frantic looking, “I didn’t, I didn’t do anything,” he says guiltily, “it just, it just...it just exploded,” and then he mimes an explosion, waving his hands in the air. Steve stares, the feathers settling. Eddie’s actually naked again and appears to be building some sort of fort on the floor of Steve’s bedroom, Steve blinks, “the pillow doesn’t matter Eddie.” Eddie nods decisively, “good.” Then, after a moments thought, “do you have more?” And then he’s back on his hands and knees rearranging his fort, naked ass in the air, like a feral racoon or something.

In Your Room by @lostinadmiration Rated E | Words: 6.5k | Chapters: 2/?

“You’re fucking Steve Harrington.” Eddie chokes on the Pbr he was just beginning to down. “Jesus Christ!” He coughs and sputters, “what the hell—” “Oh, don’t play coy with me,” Gareth sits behind his drum kit, twirling a stick between his fingers with an utterly unimpressed look, “you are the most unsubtle son-of-a-bitch. Sir Steddingham? The new Npc with perfect hair, who regularly throws himself in harms way to protect the party? Really?” Eddie takes long sip, watching Gareth warily. The rest of the band hasn’t arrived yet, but it won’t be long until they do. “I’m surprised you didn’t break an ankle jumping to that conclusion.”

Baby Boy, Boy Toy by @eddywoww Rated E | Words: 10k | Chapters:1/?

“Your skin is very skin,” Eddie blurted out, face heating immediately as he realized what he said. “I meant nice. Your- it’s nice. You have nice skin. I sound like a serial killer, oh my god.”

Sugar's Sweet (And So Is He) by @paradimeshifts7 Rated E | Words: 27k | Chapters: 4/6

“I mean it,” Steve pushes, a soft clink echoing through the room as he sets his empty bottle down atop the glass coffee table. “I’ll show you the ropes, and you…” he makes a vague motion with one of his hands, “entertain me. What do you say? I help you, you help me?” His face is so devastatingly charming that Eddie wants to rip out his own hair about it. Fuck it, he thinks, and clinks his bottle against Steve’s, earning him a bright smile that warms his core better than any booze ever could. He watches Steve take a sip, his sinfully pretty lips tucked around the opening of the bottle, and wonders what the fuck he’s just gotten himself into. OR The sugar baby!Steve and lit professor/author!Eddie au, wherein Eddie is a disaster at fine dining, and Steve helps him out.

He's All That by @bifuriouswaterbender Rated E | Words: 30k | Chapters: 7/?

After his breakup from Nancy, Steve refused to believe his popularity could slip. Tommy made a simple bet: prove it by making a nobody so popular they'd be prom royalty. Stevie figured it would be a cinch, especially when he could date whatever girl Tommy picked to make her popular. Except Tommy didn't pick a girl. He picked Eddie Munson.

[eolewyn1010]

TAG SOMEONE YOU WANT TO KNOW AND/OR SOME OF YOUR BESTIES

@bookshelfdreams tagged me for some intel my Stasi guy isn't yet privy to. Nepomuk, take notes!

favorite color: I tend to call them "velvet colors", and what I mean is dark but not muted colors (death to this decade's everything-needs-to-be-a-shade-of-beige-or-grey mentality!), a rich, juicy, deep red or blue like a velvet would have.

last song: Spotify says it's Reinhard Mey's "Der Mörder ist immer der Gärtner" XD Oh, the taste...

last movie: repeated The Old Guard <3

currently watching: The last season of Downton Abbey, The Sandman, still catching up on Blind ermittelt, She-Ra with my sis / bestie (we're on two different mileages), and started Brooklyn Nine-Nine ...don't talk to me or my undiagnosed ADHD; I'm beyond criticism and saving.

other stuff I watched this year: Nimona (beloved!), 2003's Peter Pan, a series of cringe Christmas romcoms (don't ask), Castlevania, Venom: Let there be Carnage, Gladiator, Knives Out and Glass Onion (I started catching up on all the well-known shit everyone else has already seen. Still shirking Good Omens and Our Flag Means Death seasons 2, respectively.)

shows I dropped this year: I'm about to drop The Witcher; thought I'd watch it for improving my common media knowledge, but I'm through the first season and I just don't vibe with it.

currently reading: Percy Jackson: The Lightning Thief, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (trying to find out if I CAN still read it without constantly being bitter and angry), Terry Pratchett's Mort, Bettina & Gisela von Arnim's Das Leben der Hochgräfin Gritta von Rattenzuhausbeiuns, and my newbie, Alice Bell's Grave Expectations (My friend reignited my passion for reading. I take no responsibility. Good day, sir.)

currently listening to: Nothing in particular; I'm currently more into watching series on the side than into background music.

currently working on: my depression, writing a letter, tidying up EVERYTHING from my hard drive to my recipes to my drawings to my internet fave bar

current obsession/s: Downton Abbey's costumes. I'm mostly over the character writing by now, but the costumes. Be still, my rotten heart. Also, for some strange reason, Halloween. It was never a holiday I particularly cared for, but this year? Hell yeah, bring on the bats and eerie lights and the Wild Hunt! I even carved a glowy pumpkin.

tagging if you wanna share important data: @mordsfesch @str4wanzerin @carlomainzinger @chrisoels @khalaris @chucklepea-hotpot @itsyveinthesky @cricrithings @mutantenfisch and @annahamiltonsstuff

[vicvinegarandhughhoney]

hiding in anonymity like u will NEVER guess who i am … anyways talk abt cliff . like just cliff just completely waffle about him . i like to see other people waffle about him

Okay so let's talk about Cliff.

He's a divorce attorney with a bad relationship with his mother, so it's pretty clear that he's encased himself (voluntarily but also involuntarily) in an environment where interpersonal connections are inherently broken. He has to dredge through the rubble left behind from broken families every single day, each case another reminder that love is a fragile thing, and that sometimes it doesn't matter how much you give, it still might not be enough.

And then he meets Mindy- somebody who has the complete opposite view on love to him (at least that's the way I interpret her, especially when you view her in the context of the first season). She has a certain naivety about the purity of love, the notion of soulmates, of finding 'the one', and it opens up a whole new world for Cliff, as well as a whole new window for viewing the one he currently exists in.

Their first kiss is beneath falling snow outside a Christmas party, a setting that's so idyllic it almost feels like something out of a fairytale, and he starts to believe that maybe, just maybe, there's a sliver of pure love left in the world after all. Not just that, though, but that he, a deeply insecure individual who sometimes feels trapped in his own mind, might be worthy of it? That somehow Mindy can break past the cynical exterior?

She does, of course, because the shell he's built around himself out of protection seems to melt like ice next to a blazing hearth whenever she looks at him, and soon he's introducing her to his cat and letting his guard slip more and more with each day they spend together. He's happy, because it feels like somebody finally understands him in a way that nobody ever has before. Understands the pace he needs to go at, the small habits he has that he doesn't usually reveal, everything that makes him tick.

But then she questions his meds, makes him out to be crazy, and he feels the fairytale's foundation crack. He patches it up. She asks him to move in with her, and it starts to shake, the cracks forming anew just where he'd started to fill them in. He thought she understood him, knew him, but then when he hesitates, panic rising in his throat because moving in together means change and he doesn't like change and what about his routines?, she looks at him like a stranger.

Then just when he's moved past it, just when he's ready to take that step and push past his fears for her, she kisses her ex in a pool, and he's watching the video over and over again with tears in his eyes because that can't be right, she wouldn't, she told me she wouldn't. He calls her and she blames him. Thinks he's being ridiculous. Doesn't understand. The fairytale existence shatters, and so does he.

The breaking of Cliff Gilbert happens alone and tinged with self-loathing, because really he should have seen this coming from the start. He's seen this story a thousand times, the carnage of broken homes and couples falling apart and parents that don't love each other anymore and mothers that pull away from their children just when they grow accustomed to the warmth of being held.

And then Mindy apologises. He wants her back, God, he wants her back. She's coming home to him, really coming home, and they're going to do this. She isn't abandoning him. He pulls out all the stops to show her how worthy he is of love, to convince her that he- he- is sorry, because what is love for him except giving and giving and giving? Giving love, giving gifts, giving second chances? Giving every piece of him even though it means when they leave, there's nothing left?

He starts to piece his fairytale existence back together with shaking fingers and PVA glue, trying to let himself trust again even when Mindy starts to act strangely. He trusts, because not trusting was what made this fairytale existence shatter in the first place, she wouldn't hurt him, of course she wouldn't. Love is real, Cliff. Love is real.

His grandma dies, the only woman who ever showed him an ounce of affection as a child. He cries, because of course he does, she looked after him in a way his mother never did, and he leans against Mindy for support, allowing himself at last to break in the presence of somebody else. It's the closest thing to 'I love you' he can get when everything is falling apart at the seams. She holds him, and he pretends not to notice her feigned sympathy and barely disguised revulsion at his displays of emotion, because she wouldn't hurt him, she wouldn't she wouldn't she wouldn't, not this time.

She tells him she kissed Danny while they're standing outside the church where Cliff's grandmother's funeral is being held. He receives the news with a mostly blank expression, beneath which his fairytale existence is splintering for good, as is his trust. He has nobody, he realises.

Everyone is gone.

He wants to feel betrayed but in some sad way he'd been expecting this. He isn't worthy of love, not even the plastic facade of love that Mindy could have given him, and that much should have been clear from the moment his own mother walked away from him. Perhaps she had seen something he wasn't able to, because he was too young to even crawl, let alone have enough insight to assess his own value. She must have been right. He's been abandoned too much for her leaving him to be a unique and misguided incident.

When Danny comes back, nonchalant and lying and faux innocent, Cliff punches him in the face with all the strength he has left in him, even though deep down he wants to punch himself for his own forced obliviousness. At the very least the sting in his knuckles hurts.

Something else hurts more, though- the realisation that his fairytale existence could never be, because it wasn't his to begin with. It was Mindy's, and the knight in shining armour was always going to be Danny, because Danny is 'perfect' in all the ways Cliff isn't.

He is the prince, whereas Cliff will always be the insecure, untrusting villain.

And villains don't end up with the princess.

They just end up alone.

[chdarling]

I find it really cool that you like relate songs to the story you write, it makes it feel more complete. Are there any other moments you relate to specific songs? Im curious :))

(Sorry if theres any mistakes, english is not my first language 💕)

Oh, there are tons hahaha. I mean, every song from the playlist is there for a reason. Some of the songs that apply to more specific scenes include:

She Used to Love Me A Lot and Never Had No One Ever are both Snape wandering Cokeworth in the first chapter. (They both fit so well, I couldn’t decide lol)

Cherry Bomb is Lily going dancing with the Cokeworth girls

Father and Son is Fleamont giving James the cloak

Water Under the Bridge is Remus grappling with forgiving Sirius

With a Little Help from my Friends / Love Hurts / It’s Alright is Chapter 16: The Last Word, in which James gets absolutely smashed at the Quidditch party, talks to his friends about Lily, and then Remus and Sirius have that moment of reconciliation between them about “you’re not a bad person”

Bad Reputation is Lily and her muggle dress hahah

Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood is the jily detention (but also applies to Sirius and just about every character, actually. If I had to choose a theme song for TLE2 it would probably be this)

Blue Suede Shoes/The Princess Diaries Waltz/Astronomy are all the heist/Christmas party chapters. The waltz instrumental is Sirius dancing with Lily leading into James dancing with Lily 😌

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas should be imagined as playing over a montage of the horror and carnage at St. Mungo’s following the attack in London

Dead Mom is Lily being upset about her dad remarrying lol

Vincent is entirely vibes, but I’ve always associated that song with jily at the playground in chapter 37: The End of the World

Golden Years is, obviously, when Graham and Lily discover the record player and play Golden Years 😂

Fire is Benjy Fenwick singing Fire in the bookshop lmao

Stayin Alive & Dancing Queen are the MBSC meeting that Sirius and James attend

I’d Love to Change the World is James struggling with wanting to fix things and not know how post MBSC

Whoops I got carried away again 🙈

[ashleigghh]

Day 25- presents, 466 words. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

The Potter manor was notorious for being a haven for anyone and everyone, a safe place away from danger and away from the clutches of horrible family members. In the long time it has been standing on the vast fields it has housed many, and taken in more children than have been born into it. 

The Potters are wonderful, welcoming, supportive people who have the ability to open their hearts to every single person they meet, loving them even if it's hard too. 

This is why, even though Euphemia and Fleamont Potter only had one son, they have 12 people they treat as their own staying for a Christmas break. They fill up seven of the otherwise empty bedrooms and warm the entire house with laughter and joy, running through the corridors like little kids and clinging to the presence of their parental figures. 

There wasn’t a single day where Euphemia was alone in the garden or the library, there was always someone joining her to help and to talk. Fleamont had to place a limit on the number of people allowed in his potions room, and they would push and bicker over who got to go in. They would all cram into the large kitchen in the evenings, creating several dishes and sides, absolute carnage as they all needed the ingredients and utensils. 

It was chaos, and rather difficult to keep up with at times, you could step out of the room for 10 seconds and come back to a scene so different you’d wonder if you had time travelled. It was chaos, yes, there’s no denying that, but it was the most wonderful time of the year, and everyone loved it.

It did, however, mean that there was a copious amount of shopping that needed to be done, they went through so much food daily that they needed to shop practically twice a day to keep up, and the amount of presents that would end up covering their tree needed to be found and wrapped, decorated beautifully to show their love for the celebration. 

With fourteen people all buying gifts for the others they end up with a staggering amount of presents. It had calmed down slightly after the first year with nearly two hundred gifts under the tree and people were more inclined to get a gift for the couples and give partners gifts privately, but it was still very excessive. 

There is very little Euphemia wouldn’t do for these people, they may not be her children biologically but she’ll be damned if they aren’t shown the love, care and respect they deserve, and she is more than willing to provide that. She loves them as if they are her own, and when presented with the opportunity to spoil them, she takes it.

[ozzybutweirdthistime]

You are a mean one mister Grianch, you really are a heel!

ah the grianch. i was really surprised he didn't make an entire comeback this season. nevertheless, at least grian didn't cause as much carnage as he could have at christmas

[inspiteallthedanger]

have you decided what timeframe to set the jealous paul fix in because i am losing my mind in anticipation and would love any scrap of information about it

Hello my love! This is so kind of you to send and has encouraged me to actually do some writing because I have been a little slow with this one.

It's set just after India (yes my favourite time period for reasons). I'm just mapping out exactly the plot but suspect that a lot of it will take place during the Kinfauns sessions/White Album because fun and also allows for the maximum carnage.

So far I've got the first chapter and a bit done. But, this isn't going to be a long one (three chapters at most). So hopefully done before Christmas.

Thanks again for asking, it means a lot that you care enough to do so.

[wraith-of-christmas-future]

Side Blogs to Come

Just because I'm taking up two old characters from my past does not mean Charlie is going anywhere. Charlie is here to stay. Hate him or love him, he is my Christmas Devil who remains rent free in my mind and heart. I think my scenery just needs a variety from time to time. I miss role playing monsters. Like legitimate beast. Uncontrollable carnage. Self loathing or other wise.

As a hunter turned werewolf against his will, Grayson is one of the biggest self-loathing , if not blindly hypocritical of his upbringing and once renowned status there ever was -- and I love him for it. He holds so many flaws on his sleeve. A very passionate character. Geoffrey McCullum I've played in the past very briefly. Though I do enjoy his intensity. I'll mostly be playing him during his Leader of Priwen years. If you wish me to play him during any other AU or plot, please specify. Side blogs are coming. Unless by miracle I remember my password over on Galahad's blog.

[adamwatchesmovies]

Santa's Slay (2005)

Santa’s Slay is almost good. Writer/director David Steiman tries - and fails - to make a movie that's "so bad it's good" on purpose but when he indulges in holiday-themed puns and gruesome slayings, you'll have a good time. Call me sick, but seeing people drowned in eggnog, skewered with candy canes, blown up with trick presents and run by Santa's sleigh, it’s ghoulish fun. All that’s missing is a story worth watching to bring all the Yuletide carnage together.

The result of a virgin birth through a woman and Satan, Santa Claus (Bill Goldberg) indulged in yearly massacres from which Christians protected themselves using Christmas Mass. In 1005 A.D., an angel defeated him in a curling match and sentenced him to be nice and deliver presents for 1,000 years. Now, it’s 2005 and he’s eager to indulge in his bloody ways again.

The film’s highlights are the various killings. Some of them you see coming. Others take you by surprise. Cinema had to include someone getting skewered by a menorah eventually and if that’s the sort of thing you want to see, you’ve got it here. There is also a rather charming homage to the ‘60s Rankin/Bass Christmas specials that’s sure to put a smile on your face. It’s so ridiculous it actually works.

Every other aspect of the film disappoints. The special effects are dodgy but that’s ok. You wouldn’t mind so much because they can - at times - enhance the dark humor. The insurmountable issue is the “plot”, which should’ve been tossed away and redone completely. For the most part, there is no story. Santa randomly shows up and kills everyone in sight while making puns - if I never hear "ho ho hoes" again, it will be too soon. It’s funny (for the most part) but not so original that audiences won’t be left wanting more. When Mr. Claus isn’t leaving bloody footprints in the snow, we follow Nicholas Joseph Yuleson (Douglas Smith) and his girlfriend, Mary McKenzie (Emilie de Ravin) trying in vain to warn everyone in the town of Hell of what’s happening. It gets repetitive fast.

I know what you’re thinking. Santa came from a virgin birth. The other principal characters (other than Nick’s grandpa, played by Robert Culp) are “Joseph” and Mary, the hero’s first name is Nicholas. There’s got to be some connection between them, some twist at the end that proves these people were destined to battle, right? No, there isn’t. This is why I'm complaining about the writing. The names seem to have been chosen out of a hat at random instead of serving a satisfying purpose. In fact, when you look at the big picture, you’ll realize Nicholas has no impact on this story whatsoever. The dialogue is clunky, meandering and primarily included to pad out the movie - "say anything, as long as it helps us reach feature-length running time". At 78 minutes, Santa's Slay is more of an elongated sketch than a proper film. The ending is abrupt and unsatisfactory and the film is sloppy. A great example comes right at the beginning. The picture opens with pages of illuminated manuscript detailing through illustration the “true” story of Santa Claus but the text surrounding the drawings isn’t even Greek; it’s just random characters with occasional cast member names thrown in. At least it sets your expectations appropriately.

Santa’s Slay is bad but not so bad you can’t have somewhat of a good time with it. If you throw this on the TV during your holiday get-together, your guests can occasionally look at what's on the screen, rub their eyes in bewilderment and instantly have something to chat about. Sitting down and paying attention would only mean becoming appalled by the sloppy execution. If you choose to watch Santa's Slay, stick around for the admittedly cleverly done end credits, particularly if you’re a fan of the WWE. (November 27, 2020)