#considering i haven’t drawn anything since middle school…so like 10 years or so

[silentgrim]

your art has been so cute and it's so sweet of you to do too! i keep looking forward to seeing whoever you end up drawing next :)

aaa thank you!!! 😭 i’ve been really insecure about it,,, tho i’m glad you like it! you just gave me a confidence boost so thank u! 🤍

[justablobfish]

Finding a present for that person that is impossible to find a present for

Day 13 of my Advent Calender. A new drabble or oneshot everyday until Christmas, following the Continent’s favourite found family and what they’re up to in the winter season. Based on this prompt list

Read on AO3

Day 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12

______

It's going to be Jaskier’s second time visiting Kaer Morhen. 

Two years ago, Geralt had asked him only a few days before they were scheduled to separate for the winter. It had all been rather sudden and the whole season had passed in a blur of anxiety and excitement.

He hadn't even met the whole family then, Geralt's little brother Lambert hadn't made it to the keep that year. Then, the year after, Jaskier got delayed by his family until he couldn't make it to the keep anymore; the path had already snowed over. 

This year though - this year Jaskier is determined to make the most of his time at Kaer Morhen and charm his way into the hearts of Geralt's family until they can't imagine winter without him anymore. 

Step one is to make a good first impression after the Wolves haven't seen him in so long. And the easiest way to do that is to get the perfect welcome gift for everyone scheduled to be there. 

He comes across the first gift mere weeks after the snow of the previous winter has melted. After the tedious experience with his parents he decides to spend some time in Oxenfurt to recuperate. 

In his favorite dingy little bookstore he finds the perfect present for Eskel. 

Yes, yes, a steamy romance novel might not necessarily be the best way to prove himself to his lover's family, but the cover of the book shows your usual handsome warrior with very revealing clothing clutching a swooning damsel in distress in his overly muscular arms. Except this protagonist is drawn with an enormous scar covering the left side of his face. 

He's extremely handsome. So is Eskel, of course, but whenever Jaskier tells him as much he just dismisses the compliment. With this book though, Eskel will have to believe him that scars are seen as attractive by quite a number of people. Why else would they draw the cover like this? 

His second gift he also finds in a bookstore, though this place couldn't possibly be more different than where he found the book for Eskel. 

The "Ye Olde Books" in Toussaint sells only the most esteemed antiquities to rich noblemen who never intend to read them and only display them to prove their supposedly good taste and to exaggerate their riches. 

Jaskier quickly determines the oldest book the store has on offer. It's still younger than the recipient of the gift, of course, but the fairy tale stories it holds should still be similar enough to the stories that must have been popular when Vesemir was a child. 

After the events of the last winter Jaskier at least managed to guilt trip his parents enough that he has no trouble paying for the delicate tome. 

As for Lambert, Jaskier didn't meet him the one year he spent at Kaer Morhen, but he and Geralt ran into the younger Witcher on the Path once. It was a brief encounter and Lambert didn't seem to particularly like Jaskier. 

Geralt reassured him afterwards that it's nothing personal and that Lambert doesn't like anyone. 

Even though they couldn't possibly be more different, Lambert somewhat reminded Jaskier of himself. Jaskier is happy with his place in the world now, but he had to carve it out for himself, which hadn't always been easy. He remembers a time when he, too, felt trapped in the life he was born into, never good enough to satisfy his parents or to become a person in his own right, not just the heir to a legacy he wanted nothing to do with. 

So the bitterness Lambert carries around with him feels very familiar. 

His third gift, therefore, is just as expensive as Vesemir's and on top of that requires a large amount of convincing to work out. Luckily, Jaskier has practice annoying someone enough until they agree to anything. He spent most of his life perfecting the skill with the involuntary help of his lover.

By the time winter comes around again, the specially commissioned Gwent card will have started distribution. Though of course Jaskier will carry a copy of the new Lambert hero card with him as well and present it to Geralt's younger brother. He's made sure it would be stronger than the White Wolf card that became popular in recent years. 

Ciri's gift is easy enough. Jaskier simply buys the biggest, fluffiest teddy bear he can find. Ciri is going to roll her eyes at him and claim that she isn't a kid anymore, but that's exactly what makes it the perfect present. With all that destiny business, the kid forgets far too often to allow herself to be a child sometimes. 

How to get this monstrous thing, which is nearly as tall as Jaskier, back to Kaer Morhen is an entirely different story, though… 

The gift for Yennefer isn't hard to find either once he meets up with Geralt and travels with him again. In a run-down little general store in a village in the middle of nowhere, in the furthest corner of the shop, hidden under a fishing net and a set of gardening tools, lies the most atrocious knitted sweater Jaskier has ever seen. There's no reason to abandon old traditions, even if he and Yennefer don’t meet up at Oxenfurt anymore. And in case Yennefer doesn't attend Kaer Morhen this winter, he'll simply keep it around until the next time they meet. The knitwear is so incredibly ugly, it would be a shame to waste it. 

Geralt informs him one day that Lambert will bring a plus one. Not a boyfriend or close friend or anything, just a superficial acquaintance. The fact that Lambert risked his own hide to save the man's life is - apparently - entirely coincidental and without meaning. It's just that this other Witcher of the Cat school has no other place to spend the winter. Nothing more. 

Geralt calls his little brother an emotionally constipated idiot and Jaskier can't help but burst out laughing at the hypocrisy. 

Jaskier isn't sure whether to get this Aiden a gift as well since he never met the man, but as so often in his life, fate takes matters into its own hands. 

He's perusing his favorite clothes store in Vizima when he finds the most beautiful scarf. It's big and woolen and perfectly flashy. Every handspan or so the pattern and colours change completely. All in all it shows every colour of the rainbow. 

That is not the gift for Aiden, of course. But it's going to look great on Jaskier, especially since Geralt still insists he wears that old grey winter cloak. Granted, the cloak is warm, but oh so boring looking. The scarf will be just the right accessory to add a bit of color to his winter wardrobe. 

The gift for Aiden he comes across as he leaves the store. A little boy, who must be the owner's son, sits at the side of the road and busies himself with thread and needle. 

Curious, Jaskier steps closer and finds that the boy is attaching pieces of felt to a simple hairband. 

Once the kid is done he puts the headband on and the felt pieces stand up in such a way that it appears like the boy has kitten ears growing out of his head. 

Jaskier considers for a moment but then decides that if this Aiden is voluntarily hanging out with Lambert, he must have a good sense of humor. He buys the headband off the boy and heads back to his and Geralt's inn room. 

Maybe it's because he's traveling with Geralt and can't really go looking for a gift for the White Wolf, but by the time their departure for Kaer Morhen rolls around, Jaskier has a little something for everyone, except Geralt. He doesn't even have an idea what he could gift to the man. Anything practical like a new whetstone, better armor or a fancy dagger is something that Geralt is far better equipped to pick out himself. Jaskier has little knowledge about such things. 

And while Jaskier has spent the last twenty years of his life convincing the big oaf that he deserves pretty things every once in a while, too, Jaskier can't think of anything that wouldn't just be in the way when they eventually set out on the Path again. 

The end of autumn creeps closer and closer and Jaskier’s head stubbornly remains empty. It shouldn't be this hard to think of something that Geralt would enjoy. After all, Jaskier has known him for over two decades now. But it seems like everything he could get his favorite Witcher he has already gotten him at some point during their travels. 

He still has no idea when they pass the last village on the way to the Witchers’ keep. 

Or when they start making their way up the mountain path. 

Maybe there's a pretty rock he can pick up? 

What? No, that's a dumb idea. He's not just gonna pick up a random rock just because he's desperate. At this point he'll just have to accept the fact that he has no gift for Geralt.

They reach the keep after two days of tedious climbing - not something Jaskier missed from his last visit - and are greeted at the gates by the other Witchers. Geralt's family members each welcome Geralt with a short hug and a pat on the back, while another man, who must be Lambert's tagalong, awkwardly stands to the side. Vesemir and Eskel nod at Jaskier courtly, Lambert only grunts at him. 

Jaskier makes eye contact with Aiden who rolls his eyes at him apologetically over Lambert's behaviour. 

Then Geralt brings Roach to the stables and they all quickly make their way inside. 

In the large dining hall they meet Yennefer and Ciri. Apparently they only came here a day earlier via portal, making Jaskier and Geralt the last to arrive. 

"I have welcoming gifts!" Jaskier addresses everyone. 

Eskel reacts to his present with eyes narrowed in confusion. Then they grow wide with realisation and wonder. 

Lambert scoffs when Jaskier hands him his parcel. He doesn't scoff again after he unpacks it. 

Aiden grins at him widely and immediately puts his gift on. 

Vesemir simply hums appreciatively. It reminds Jaskier far too much of Geralt. He supposes the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. 

Ciri, as expected, reacts with a pout and the declaration that she's not a child anymore. Still, she clutches the plushy to her chest and refuses to let it go when Aiden says he'll take it if she doesn't like it. 

Yennefer snarls at her sweater and quickly turns away from the group to hide it, but just like Ciri does with the teddy bear, she clutches it to her chest protectively. 

Which only leaves Geralt. 

"I, uh…, " Jaskier stutters and stares at his empty hands. 

"Hmm," Geralt hums. "Saving the best for last?" 

He grabs Jaskier by the shoulder, turns him around so that he's facing the room. He hugs Jaskier from behind and places his chin on Jaskier’s shoulder. 

"Seems like you got me the best gift of all," Geralt hums. "Look!" 

Confused, Jaskier glances about the room. Vesemir and Eskel are sitting in a corner, flipping through their respective books. Lambert is chasing Aiden through the room, who has stolen his Gwent card and is waving it around tauntingly. Ciri holds the teddy out to Yennefer, who's holding her sweater to the bear's chest to see if it would fit him. There's nothing out of the ordinary that Jaskier can spot. 

"I don't under-" he begins. 

"Everyone's here," Geralt explains. "My whole family in one place for the very first time. I couldn't possibly ask for more." 

[icharchivist]

Thank you for taking the time to reply to my ask! 😊

Now... How much, out of 10, are you of each summer troupe member?

I hope you also find this a fun ask to answer!

ahah sure <3 thanks for sending them and well, indulging in my answers!

i do find it fun to answer it's just that i worry my justifications may be too much infos ahah

anyway for summer...

for the vague notes: Tenma: 1/10, Yuki: 4/10, Muku: 7/10 Misumi: 2/10, Kazunari: 8/10, Kumon: 3/10

under the cut for more justification (again which are infos about me so go in with caution)

if we don't see again under the cut, now i say, take care! :3c

(Links: Spring, Summer, Autumn , Winter ranking)

Tenma: 1/10. I don't. think i actually relate to Tenma all that much dKLJFDLFK I think all i can really relate to is that he loves his friends even if he doesn't really know how to show it at times. I adore him but i really don't know if i have anything in common with him DLKJFDKLF

Yuki: 4/10. Yuki's interesting to me because i was a lot like him when i was his age, actually, but i'm so different now that i can't say i relate to him as much, but i still see my younger self in him? When i was his age i was really rejected by my peers for a lot, lot of reasons, one of them being the way i decided to dress (though it was not like. the worst reason. i think?). Early teen i was a recluse but at 14, i developed thick skin and would snap back at people pretty easily, i would try to stand out proud about who i was, that doing stuff i enjoy is worth going through this sort of humiliation. There is a lot about Yuki's defense mechanisms, from his sass to the way he tries to keep people at armlength, that brings me back to middle school. He's healthily growing past that in a way i don't as much relate to (took different path and all) but it makes me happy to see him grow and feel safer. So it's a weird one to answer to ahah, when i was 14 i'd say i would have given him maybe a 7/10? but nowadays maybe just a 2/10 just because now i dress very cutesyly and always wear dress and stuff, or the fact i don't feel interested in being in romantic situation myself. i'll make it round at 4/10 for that.

Muku: 7/10 Oh, to be an anxious romantic with passions for lovestories and blaming yourself for everything you ever do because you MUST be doing something wrong. I feel that. I relate more with Muku now that i did when i was his age for instance ahah but yeah that'd be the gist of it. Also relating to his habit to get lost in his own fantasy world, in unrealistic scenarios, wanting to be something you can't realistically be. I do relate to how much he loves lovestories though (like i just mentioned tho i just. don't like the idea of being in one irl. so i really love stories much more about it where i can explore all of this in a safe way with no engagement ahah) But for various reasons (from his athletics to the confidence boost he can get) i can only give him that much point LDKJF

Misumi: 2/10 Misumi's complicated to discuss for me DKJFDFLK but as for what i relate about, some elements about his family life hit ways too close from home and i don't like thinking about it too hard, it's too real dLFKJDFLK. Other than that one of the major thing i can relate with for Misumi is the way he's genuinely taken aback when people say they care about him and his health because he's not used to his family doing that for him, and that he's been really lonely because he's been considered "weird". While not to the same extend though i do understand the happiness of seeing stuff you care about somewhere (though for me it may be plushies kjfdhdf) but really not to his extends

Kazunari: 8/10 oh yeah we're in it now he's one of the first chara i actually projected on hard (because i didn't think about whenever i related to spring charas before and he was before the slaps in the face). Anyway i too, am a massive people pleaser who don't really know how to voice my own opinions on stuff when it's not too important. I'm indecisive as hell when i don't have a strong opinion about something and i will generally just be trying to go with the flow. I've been trying to work on that those past few years and be a little more assertive, but so i can also relate to how Kazu tries to push himself out of this comfort zone in later plotpoints. As much as i think i'm more assertive now it's a constant work and it's not always linar. I don't like upsetting people, i'm extremely conflict avoidant, and i always feel like i have a responsibility to keep up a cheerful Face. I was a very quiet kid then a very quiet teen and i didn't have much friends then, until about high school, where i was finally in good surrounding at school and made a lot of friends, though i do keep my friends at a distance in general and wouldn't say i form. very deep relationships. so like him. though different reasons why. When i was in high school i was so much more loud and i faked a lot of confidence i didn't have and pretending to be always happy and unbothered by anything. It completely disappeared after high school though, i'm. so much more calm in general nowadays. anyway, turns out people always complain i'm very loud when i do talk especially if it's something i'm excited about (which is something i'm super insecure about when people points it out but LDKJFLDF ANYWAY). To that i'll just add too that i also pursued art school and art cursus but i stopped because [spoiler alert for why i relate to Kumon]. When Kazu ends up showing his enthusiasm about art it brings me back to back then tbh. Even though i don't do art anymore i'm really appreciative of that in general. Points off because of how social he can be or how he seeks getting into social situations like. Nope. Not for me. But i'm happy for him.

Kumon: 3/10 this kid is too energic he exhausts me just when i see him, so in general i have to keep the number low because. Kid. I can't keep up TwT. That said the two things i'd relate to with Kumon is, first, his geeky side in general which is very cute. A bit like Muku, in the way he lives in his own fantasies, though he's more ashamed than Muku to talk about it and i relate to that too bc i refuse to share what my fantasies are about DLKJFLDKFJ. Second, as i first hinted at, is that i had to give up a lot of what was important to me because of my deteriorating health, more specifically, illnesses related to stress that made themselves.... too dangerous for me to ignore. I gave up art school because a deadly skin sickness i had developed because of stress was eating my right hand (well not just there but it is the biggest problem) and by the end of my first year i couldn't hold a pen anymore. It was only one of the various illness i had manifesting from the stress, but i stubborningly tried to ignore the others and push through and it's just that this one was not ignorable anymore. It crushed my spirit ngl and it was even worse realizing i didn't manage to bounce back - i haven't drawn anything since, and i can't use my hand at my full capacity so i can't do other stuff to bounce back - and i'm stressed about getting stressed and triggering back all those illnesses and so i end up even more stressed and yeah. So when Kumon's fevers hit and it's explicit that it's due to his stress while still being very real and not something he can ease off just by "calming down", and that he can get stressed about his fevers triggering, and Juza talking about how he worries that if Kumon's sickness acts up it might break his spirit, it. hit very very close from home ahah. Tho despite the long entry i don't relate to anything else about Kumon, he's too energic, too athletic, has a good relationship with his family and all that jazz i can't relate to ahah. But yeah this one was. A Painful thing to have to face back dLKFJDF.

So yeah in general i can say that i don't relate as much to Summer as i can relate to for Spring or Winter. I see more of my younger years in them (to some details here and there) so there's also a much bigger distance with what i'd relate to them about.

but yeah that'd about sums it up o7

Take care :3c

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #364

“you wanna know what zeus said to narcissus?  /  ‘you’d better watch yourself’“

Do you change your type of music regularly? Nah. I've ben all about metal and rock since middle school. Would you want to visit Tokyo, Japan, someday? It's not actually on my bucket list or anything, but I'd do it. Do you curse like a sailor? Sailors are better than I am, aha... Do you hear trains pass by where you live? No. Ever been in a race? Haha, no. Last time you’ve eaten a taco? I hate tacos. Do you like horses? Sure do! Do you like Starburst? omg YES. What is your favourite wild animal? MEERKATS!!!!!! :') Do you like hamsters? They're very cute, but I've never met a nice one. Do you eat bananas? Yeah, I like bananas, but I'm VERY picky with how ripe it is. There's like, barely a two-day span where I'm willing to eat them. What is your favourite bookstore? I don't have one. What is your favorite fast food joint? Sonic. Do you sweat easily? Ugh, you haven't the slightest idea. As a side effect of one (or two?) of my prescriptions, I have I N S A N E hyperhidrosis. I can stand outside for a millisecond in like 70 degree weather and I'm already sweating. If you could move (and SERIOUSLY think about this) where would you move? All factors considered, being entirely realistic, the mountain-y region of western NC. Why would you go there? I want to stay in NC to at least not be a massive ways away from my family, and I loooove mountains. Plus, there's a lot of cool places on the other end of the state. Do you want to travel? Yes. I want to see so much more than this boring 'ole state. What was the last vaccination you got? For Covid. Have there ever been any forest or grass fires in your area? There have been wildfires towards the beach, I believe? Any time it happened we would always get the smoke all the way where we live. Are you Italian? Not to my knowledge. Do you own an acoustic guitar? No. What is something you have given a lot of thought to lately? My physical health. When did you last swallow your beliefs to avoid an argument or confrontation? Recently. Can you roll your own cigarettes? I've never smoked, so. Are you mentally strong? I think so. I hope so. Are you physically strong? I am like, comically weak. Are you heartbroken right now? No. Do you ever get complimented on your eyes? What color are they? It's happened, but it's definitely not a regular thing or whatever. They're grayish blue. What facial feature do you like the best on a person? I'd say I'm most attracted to pretty eyes. What is the weirdest animal you’ve ever held? I helped hold a massive snake as a kid (I don't remember what it was), and I've also held a rose hair tarantula. I can't think of any truly strange animals by my opinion, really. Do you get extremely hyper when under the influence of sugar? No. Sugar seems to have zero effect on me, probably because I'm over-exposed to it thanks to soda... What about caffeine? Not at all, likely for the aforementioned reason. Have you ever tried any drugs? If so, did you regret it? Besides alcohol, no. I don't regret having drank as it was never a lot. Do you have any pregnant friends? A high school acquaintance is pregnant. I THINK she's the only one now? I swear I see a new pregnancy announcement on Facebook like every two days, and mind you I don't even have all that many "friends." That being said, I may definitely be forgetting someone. When ordering food, what do you usually get as a drink? Depending on whether they have Pepsi or Coke products, either Mountain Dew or Coke. When drawing something, do you try to be super precise or do you not care? I am so, so, SO obsessive over getting everything right, but things never come out as good as I want them to/imagine them. Have you actually read Twilight? I haven't. What about Harry Potter? Never read any of those, either. I started one in elementary school, but didn't get very far at all. Out of the two, which is better? I have like no interest in either, so. How often do you read books? It various. I go through like reading episodes, and then I don't read for months. Are you the jealous type? I'm not like, an insanely jealous person, but it's still the worst it's ever been at this point in my life. I hate it. Are you the type of person who gets jealous of people’s pasts? Nah, no reason to. Do you know anyone who faints at the sight of blood? Not blood, I think, but needles and drawing blood, yes. I know my dad's fainted at least once at the doctor, and Jason fainted when I was getting blood drawn at the ER. What colors are the eyes of your family members? Just about everyone has brown eyes but me, I think my maternal grandpa, and my brother. Are you related to anyone with red hair? Not to my knowledge. Were you a chubby baby? No, I was pretty average. What’s something that makes you incredibly nervous? Social situations with strangers especially. Asking for things. Public speaking/presenting. What’s the latest you’ve ever stayed up to finish homework/a project? God, I remember there was this one night in particular where I stayed up SO late, but I don't remember the exact time. I think I actually cried because I was so stressed and tired. How many vegetarians do you know? In my personal life, I don't believe I know any, but I could be wrong. Have you ever had problems falling asleep in class? I never did, even though I was always tired. Have you ever been on the barrier or front row at a concert? No. Favorite episode of Spongebob? The pizza one, probably. Or the Hash Slinging Slasher episode. What bug frightens you most? Wasps, probably. Are your parents supportive of you? Yes. <3 How often do you take the train to go places? I've never been on a train. Have you ever participated in a mock trial, or a real trial? No. Do you own a pocketknife, or any other kind of multi-tool? No. What was the last thing you took a video of? Hm... I honestly don't remember. What’s something that used to really stress you out, but doesn’t anymore? Thunderstorms. Have you ever had famous neighbors? No. Pick your three favourite vegetables. Broccoli, green beans, and uh... I'm blanking... Habitually I wanna say "corn," but I know it's not technically a veggie, but starch. Have you ever broken a movie or game disc? I think I have? What is your favourite type of cookie? Chocolate chip. Can you rap freestyle? Or at least sing raps from songs? Ha, no. Have you ever shared a house with a significant other? Yeah. Do you scream at scary parts in a horror flick? No. I might jump a bit, but not always. What do you spend most of your time doing? Watching YouTube. Do you really care what’s going on in celebrities' lives? More like the YouTubers I watch. Have you ever broken a plate/bowl? Accidentally by dropping them. When was the last time you felt like you didn’t have a care in the world? I couldn't begin to guess. Has anyone ever drunk called/texted you? No. Can you do a backwards london bridges? God no, I'd bust my back. What smiley do you use the most on the computer? (: maybe. Or :') Are any of your pets “overweight”? No, but why is "overweight" in quotations as if overweight pets aren't a real and serious issue? Has anyone ever bought you a ring? Yeah. On a scale 1-10, how funny are you? I honestly don't think I'm funny at all, so I'd put myself at a 1. Pretty recently though it was very surprising and flattering to have my dad and older sister point out that I'm "hilarious" with my wry sense of humor. I don't see it, but I mean, it was surely appreciated. What’s a song that is overplayed but you still like it anyway? I barely ever listen to the radio, yet I still know "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen is played a lot, but I could never get tired of it. Are you excited for Christmas? Christmastime is my favorite time of year nowadays, mainly because of how excited my niece and nephew always are, and we spend most of Christmas Day and usually Christmas Eve with them. I love the weather, the focus on togetherness, all that. What are you thankful for? Man, a lot. I try my best to never overlook all the truly amazing things I do have, like a loving and supportive family, a home, food and safe water, Internet haha, access to medical care (regardless of the complaints I have about American healthcare)... I've got a lot of bad going on in my life, but I've also got a great amount of good things, too. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up on? Internet. What’s your favorite color combination? Maaan, don't do this. I really don't know. Probably two pastels, idk. Do you have any internet friends? I have more Internet friends than I do "real life" ones. What was the last song you listened to? "Deep Six" by Marilyn Manson earlier. How are you feeling right now? My arm is really sore from my second Covid shot, and I'm also having trouble breathing thanks to the dog (apparently, I'm allergic to whatever she is). I know it sounds bad, but I cannot wait 'til she's gone (from this house, no we're of course not euthanizing her). What color is the shirt you’re wearing? Burgundy. Do you play video games? Yeah, just not as much as I used to. Have you ever been to a club and had someone slip something into your drink? I've never been to a club period, and I don't plan on it. Do you know anyone who’s done ecstasy? Not to my knowledge, anyway. Are you on birth control? Yes, but only to regulate and soothe my menstrual cycle. My cramps were insufferable prior. Does your sibling have a significant other? All but my younger sister. Like she's in contact with who she calls "contenders," haha, but she isn't officially dating anyone. She's MEGA picky with who she dates. Have you ever cried at a real wedding? Yes, because it was very triggering to my PTSD. Any idea what you want for your next birthday? That's quiiite a whiles away, so I have plenty of time to think about that. I don't know if I'll be employed by then and thus able to buy some things myself, but I'll just say I won't be (because I'm I think rationally fearful that's where I'll still be). For Christmas I plan on just asking for a new terrarium for Venus plus better materials for it (like a proper temp gauge and hygrometer, etc.), and with that taken care of, then I might be interested in asking for a hognose for my bday, but idk. I'd want to ensure (s)he starts out with a perfect terrarium, and seeing as I want a hoggie morph, that's a lot of money in one go that idk if I'd be comfortable asking. So I'unno, maybe I'll go for a tattoo again. Wow, this was a lot of rambling for something so far off, pardon me haha. Are there any gadgets of yours that need charging right now? My Nintendo DS Lite, actually. I can't find the darn charger for it, and I really need to so I can bring it to Ashley's again for the kids to play the Pokemon game I have that they love. Aubree especially is really into it, and she adores Pikachu and Eevee. :') Which awards show would you wanna go to the most (e.g Oscars, Grammys etc.)? I don't even know what most award shows are for, if I'm being honest. I'm not really interested. What colour is your keyboard? Black, but each key glows red. Have you ever been called a skank/slut because of the way you dress? No. Are you a fan of acrylic nails? Not for myself; I think they'd drive me insane. I do, however, think they look nice on others.

[shurisneakers]

espresso [11]

Summary: In which your best friend’s brother begins to set you up on dates when you mention that you haven’t been in a relationship in years, but things don’t go as expected.

Warning:  mentions of past cheating, angst, anger, family problems, homophobia, sadness,

Word count: 4.8k

A/N: im returning after 2 months again oops im sorry does anyone still read this anymore, also this is the longest chapter of espresso so far go us!! this is my entry for @viktordrago‘s writing challenge. listen this chapter seems to be @samingtonwilson approved so i think y’all will like it too. also give her some love, she deserves it

here’s my ko-fi if you’d like to support my writing <333

Previous part- Part 10 || Espresso Masterlist

“Y/N, I’m glad you could make it!”

Stepping into Becca's house cautiously, you sent an awkward wave to Bucky’s mother who beamed at you in disproportionate reciprocation, rushing to help you with your coat and giving you a quick hug in the process.

“Hey Mrs. B." You tried your best to speak through the thickness of your throat, forcing yourself not to stiffen in her embrace. “How ya been?”

“Exhausted,” she laughed, shaking her head gently. “Ain’t easy getting all of them to get along for three days.”

You felt that. You were tired too.

You offered her a sympathetic smile and followed her lead to the dining room, scanning your surroundings for any sign of her son and not engaging in her spirited chatter. 

The house smelled like pine scented candles and vanilla essence, the same as it did every year without fail. Since you were last there two days ago, a large tree now sat in the living room, too tall to stand upright with the top pushing against the low ceiling at an odd angle. It wasn't a real tree but, in your experience, was considered a part of the Barnes family and decorated to the nines.

You quietly slid into the seat next to Rebecca who only then seemed to pick up on your arrival, looking away from her phone. A quick glimpse of surprise flashed over her face, and understandably so.

“I remembered all your favorites,” Becca’s mom proudly gestured around the countertop where dishes were stacked, covered with lids or sheets of foil.

“It smells great.” It wasn’t a lie; it really did smell like a feast, but your wide range of junk food and Netflix at home was just as appealing, if not more.

Still, you forced a tight-lipped smile at her, thanking the heavens that she bought it a second later without so much as a question.

Eyebrows drawn together, you took a closer look at Becca’s mom. The bags under her eyes were more pronounced and her steps were heavier as if carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders was finally getting to her.

She seemed distracted, distant almost. You knew she had learned to detach herself from a lot of the negativity around her over the years but it was beginning to feel like she was tuning out altogether.

You felt Becca lean in to whisper to you, asking for your attention but never once taking her eyes off her mom who had turned to double checking everything she made while giving a brief rundown on each dish. “Hey.”

“Hey.”

“How you holdin’ up?”

“Fine,” you answered shortly.

She spared you a brief glance to raise her eyebrow. “Really?”

“Always.” Becca didn't say anything but you didn't miss the slight twitching of her jaw as she looked ahead.

You know she hadn’t expected you to show up after the call you’d shared the night before. It lasted well into the late hours, and you weren’t sure when it had ended since you’d fallen asleep from the emotional toll the evening had taken on you. Obviously, you had left out the parts about Bucky, figuring that it was something you both had to talk about yourselves, whenever time demanded it.

Speaking of whom, he was nowhere to be seen. It was a good thing. Longer the delay, the better.

“How’s your vacation going so far, Y/N?”

You hesitated but quickly recovered. “Good as it can get, Mrs. B.”

She smiled at you before she looking to the clock, “George and Bucky are at the store, they’ll be home any minute.”

“Tell them to take their time, we’re in no hurry,” Rebecca drawled in a dry deadpan, eyes narrowed at her nails to avoid her mother’s glower.

“Please try to be civil tonight.” She sighed, rubbing at her temples. You couldn’t imagine how the last few days must have been for her, stuck in the middle of the endless anger and pettiness from Becca and her dad’s feud.

“Me? Be an intentional pain in the ass? I would never.”

Her mom didn’t bother refuting the statement. She just absentmindedly untied the well-worn apron from her waist and, for a second, you thought she might strangle your best friend with it.

Instead, she hung it on the handle of the oven and exited the room to change into something that wasn’t covered in flour, leaving you both alone.

Becca waited until she was out of sight to spin around in her seat and face you. “Listen, you don’t have to stay here if you don't want to be around people right now. They'd understand.”

“I’ll get through,” you mumbled, shutting your eyes and leaning back in your chair.

“You don’t have to. Don’t do anything you’re not comfortable with just because of some dumb tradition.”

“It’s just one evening, Becks,” you muttered as you wrapped your arms around yourself. “Besides, I promised.”

She mulled over your words. Her teeth gently nipped at her bottom lip. “You wanna talk about it?”

“Not really, no.”

“Now or ever?”

“Right now it feels like ever, but we’ll see.”

“I knew I was right to spill my drink on Ronald McDonald.”

“That’s a new one,” you said, cracking one eye open to peek at her.

“It’s the hair,” she huffed as she gestured to the top of her head with a roll of her eyes. “I’m running out of characters, we need to eliminate her soon.”

“If it helps, I don’t think she-“

The reverberation from the loud slamming of the front door interrupted you mid-sentence. Becca stiffened at the boisterous laughter of her dad, and you were about to reach out a hand to comfort her but stopped when you realized it was accompanied by the more subdued chuckles of Bucky.

Fuck.

“Y/N!” Her dad’s voice made you jump from your chair instantly, knowing from years’ of experience that he was an old fashioned man, and sometimes not for the better. “It’s good to see you! How are you?”

“Hey, Mr. Barnes.” He had his hand out for a handshake and you remembered to comply firmly, a satisfied grin growing on his face at your actions. “I’m okay. How are you doing?”

“Clinging to life by a thread at this point, I’m afraid.” He shrugged off his coat and slightly ruffled his neatly combed back hair to get rid of the water droplets that had accumulated there.

You could hear the rustling of a paper bag as Bucky handed something over to his mom but you didn’t spare him a look, instead choosing to keep your eyes trained on his father.

“George!” Bucky’s mom scolded, joining in on the conversation as she placed the bag Bucky handed her on the counter.

“What?” Bucky’s dad laughed. He removed the scarf from his neck and took the place opposite to you at the small rectangular dining table.

You took a second to quickly assess Becca, only to find her mostly unfazed except for the slight edge in the way she was looking at her father and the way her leg was bouncing under the table, a habit she had been asked to get rid of multiple times but never really paid consideration to.

You could see from the corner of your eye Bucky standing awkwardly to the side, trying to find a place to sit down. His issue must have been that the only place left was next to you.

You focused ahead and prayed he would just sit down instead of drawing attention to himself and the glaringly obvious tension between you both.

He appeared to have the same thought, taking the seat but not offering a word of greeting or acknowledgement to you.

_________

You quickly found that your attention wasn’t very missed during the evening as long as you supplied occasional laughs or nods, whichever seemed appropriate given everyone else’s response. Most of your time  was spent watching Becca bounce her leg under the table.

“That’s basically how I started a Steve Buscemi fan club in my first year and didn’t realize I was president until like, six months in.”

“It’s not a club if you were the only member.”

“False, Y/N joined.” You perked up when you heard your name, taking a moment to register what had just been said. Up until then, you’d been playing around with the food on your plate, pushing around any vegetables in your path.

“I did?” you asked when it finally clicked in your brain what had just been said. It was safe to say you had no idea how the conversation ended up there, but you didn’t bother figuring it out.

“Yeah, I gave you a badge and everything.”

“Does Y/N even know she was a part of the club, or…” her mother asked, a good-natured smile on her face as she took a sip from her glass.

“I very much did not.”

“Excuse me, what?” Becca dropped her cutlery incredulously. “I just- okay. Fine. I see how it is.”

Another pretend laugh and you were out of the conversation again, for which you were thankful because it was taking all your energy to talk and your social battery was practically drained to begin with.

You’d forgotten Bucky was next to you until he reached over to fill your glass again, startling you. You had seen his hunched shoulders and a thousand-yard stare on his face make an appearance quite a while ago and it hadn’t changed since then. He looked like he would rather be anywhere than here.

You subtly nodded in thanks, to which he just went back to looking down at the plate. Guess he didn’t see it.

“College was different back in my day,” Bucky’s dad smiled reflectively, placing his fork and knife down to talk, his eye catching yours.

“Is it very different from what it is now?” you asked in response to his nonverbal cue to. You hoped he would launch into one more of his long tirades to pass the time.

“It was a smaller community back then. Most kids you went to school with ended up at the same college as you so y’didn’t make a lot of friends but you sure kept the ones you did.” He sounded wistful, nostalgic. “It’s one of the reasons I tried to get these two to stay here.”

“Oh?” Becca swallowed what she was chewing, her tone challenging. Her eyes were narrowed. Uh-oh. “I thought it was so that you could have complete control over me and my love life.”

A silence that could only be described as awkward ensued. The only sounds were of Becca’s fork and knife scraping against her plate as she ignored the surprise she elicited from her words.

“I wouldn’t have to if you didn’t get yourself mixed with the wrong crowd, Becca.” Her dad laughed but you could tell that it was dry and forced as he picked up his silverware, pretending like nothing out of the ordinary had been said.

“The wrong crowd- alright.“ she scoffed, single eyebrow skeptically cocked.

“Y/N-” he turned his attention to you, expression unaffected. “How did your semester go?”

“It certainly… went,” you tried at a poor attempt to diffuse the tension in the room, which was surprisingly well-received by him. Though at this point anything would be a saving grace for him.

“Ain’t that the same for all of us. Don’t think I ever learned what I paid for.” He shrugged. “What about you, James?”

“Huh?” Bucky only just seemed to snap out of whatever trance he was stuck in, looking around wildly for a second. “Oh, yeah, semester went okay.”

“And Becca?”

“It was okay,” she replied curtly.

“Only okay?” He raised his eyebrow at her. “Is there a specific reason for that?”

“Nope.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive.” She flashed him a big smile and you could see the look of utter distress begin to set in on her mother’s face.

“Fine.” He cleared his throat. “Because I hope you don’t forget why we’re sending you to college.”

“To fuck girls and make bank,” she muttered under her breath. 

You had to suppress a snort and disguise it weakly as a cough. Real smooth.

“What did you say?” Oh shit.

“Hm?” she asked, feigning surprise.

“I want to know what it is you said to yourself.” His eyebrows were knit together in brewing anger, jaw clenched and eyes cold.

“Alright,” she said easily, fearlessly. Putting her fork and knife down, she leaned forward, her chin on the palm of her hand. Her stare was bold. “I asked why you weren’t asking Bucky all of this.”

 “Becca, don’t-“ her mother started, only to be interrupted by Becca’s dad’s response to her question.

“Oh please,” he scoffed as he looked away in annoyance.  

“No, seriously. Why aren’t you telling Bucky these things? He didn’t say his semester went all that great either.”

Bucky coughed and sunk back into his chair as if to move away from the conversation. You looked at him, tilting your head in a silent bid for him to intervene and put a stop to it before it got out of control.

He bit his lip and remained silent. He didn’t seem to notice your action.

Their dad’s response was defensive. “I’d tell him the same things if I was concerned about him.”

“No, you wouldn’t. We know that.” She shook her head and you could see her leg stop bouncing under the table. “What’s the real reason, huh? You worried I’m gonna go get hitched to the first person I see?”

“Absolutely not.”

“I’m sorry, I should have specified.” She cleared her throat. “To the first girl I see?”

You could see his posture straighten further, something you didn’t even think was possible. His Adam’s apple shifted as he swallowed thickly, remaining speechless.

Becca hadn’t moved an inch.

“Did you tell him about Natasha?” She looked at her mother, who was as still as she could be other than a slight shake of her head.

“Who’s Natasha?” Mr. Barnes’ voice cut through before their exchange continued, alternating glances between his wife and her.

Becca leaned back in her seat with a subtly smug expression, arms crossed over her chest. “My girlfriend.”

You inhaled sharply, dreading what was to come.

There was complete silence for a moment before her dad laughed nervously. “I can’t be expected to know every new friend-“

“Not friend. Girlfriend.” She clarified. “Two very different things.”

“Maybe we should discuss this after dinner, hm?” Her mother looked around the table, giving everyone a shaky smile. “Does anyone want anymore-“

“Why? Isn’t this normal dinner talk?” She tightened her arms over her chest further, defiantly. “I tell you about what’s going on in my life, give you a little background on who I’ve been seeing-“

“Not now, Becca.” Her dad’s voice was lower than usual and he was avoiding her stare.

“She’s Russian, by the way. Met her at a party-“

“Rebecca.”

You looked back at Bucky, unsure of what to do.

For the first time that night you met his eyes, only to find him as uncomfortable as you. You could tell he’s biting the inside of his cheek, but he hadn’t said anything yet.

“Been together a couple of months, she’s got a big family-“

“Enough!” Her dad brought his hand down harshly on the table, making you jump and gasp. His fists were clenched to the point of whitening his knuckles, a vein was prominent against the skin of his neck.

Rebecca didn’t bat an eye. “No.”

“Becks-“ Bucky finally tried, snapping you from your daze to reach for her hand. She gripped onto you tightly.

“Stop,” she said to him making him shut his mouth as quickly as he opened it. You could see red rimming her eyes. “Just stop. He needs to hear this.”

She looked back at her dad, a slight quiver almost unnoticeable in her otherwise strong voice. “My girlfriend’s name is Natasha, and I love her. I won't let you erase her existence like how you did with all my ex-girlfriends.”

“You didn’t have ex-girlfriends, this is just one of your-“

“What? Phases?” She paused, waiting for him to agree with her. “It’s not. And even if it was, so fucking what?”

You could see her mother flinch at the curse word but maintained her silence. She looked like she was dissociating from the situation again.

“I’m a lesbian, dad. My girlfriend is bisexual. We’re together,” she emphasized the last part. “It’s about time you accept it or learn to live with it.”

Her chair scraped behind her loudly as she stood up, her hand letting go of yours.

“Dinner was delicious, Ma. Thank you.” She flashed her a shaky smile before spinning on her heel and leaving the room.

Bucky and you shared a nervous glance before you broke it to look at his mother.

With a subtle tilt of her head in the direction Rebecca had gone in, you knew you had her permission to leave so you just quickly stacked your plate on top of Becca’s before taking off behind her.

“Becca!” you called after her, taking two steps at a time to catch up with her.

“M’fine,” she grunted, shoulders stiff as she walked into her room, slamming the door behind her.

“Let me in, Rebecca.” You hastily knocked on the wood.

You could hear loud arguing in the dining room, but you chose not to discern its content. You figured it wasn’t your place to listen in.

“Everything’s fine, Y/N, don’t bother.” Her voice was muffled. You couldn’t tell if she was crying, which only stressed you out more.

You leaned your forehead against the door, hoping your words would be clearer. “You know it isn’t. Just open the door and we can talk about it.” 

The door swung open and you staggered back in an effort to not fall face first to the ground. Becca had pulled on a hoodie and had changed into sweatpants, hair in a loose ponytail.

“Y/N,” she began, “I’m fine. Seriously.”  

“Becca, you don’t have to-“

“I just need to clear my head.” The redness around her eyes had reduced significantly, but was still present. It gave you all the more reason to believe she wasn’t being completely truthful. “Really. I said what I had to say, I just got overwhelmed while doing it.”

You remained silent, lips pressed together in a tight line, waiting for her to go on.

“I just need to be alone for some time, to think some things through. I’m-“ Becca lingered, letting her shoulders relax. “I’m okay. I got this, I promise; just… trust me.”

You stared at her, trying to formulate your next move. Would you be a shitty person if you left her alone like this?

“Tell me if you need anything, and I mean anything. I’ll be right here.”

She nodded, slipping you a small smile before closing the door softly. You heard the click of her lock, indicating that you made the right choice.

You sighed, sinking to the floor adjacent to her door. You could stay there for some more time, just in case. 

You were probably just being too paranoid, but just in case.

You weren’t sure how long you sat there to see if she’d rush back out, but you stopped keeping track after a while.

Someone’s heavy footsteps alerted you of their presence as they paced down the hallway where you were perched. You didn’t have to look up to know who it was. You didn’t spare him a glance even as he paused for a second next to you before joining you on the floor, crossing his legs in front of him.

“She doin’ okay?” Bucky sounded out of breath and you wondered if he ran up the stairs like you had.

“She said she was,” you mumbled, picking at your cuticles. “She isn’t leaving her room though.”

He exhaled, followed by the dull thump of his head falling against the wall behind him. “Beck’s strong. She’ll pull through. Just gotta… just gotta give her some time.”

You closed your eyes. You just wanted to sleep. It was just so tiring; everything was so tiring.

“’m sorry you got caught up in this.” He pulled his knees up so they were tucked against him. “It shouldn’t-“

“Why didn’t you stand up for her down there?” you cut him off and opened your eyes to look at him. “You’re her brother. She needed support and you-“

“Think of what just happened. Would that have helped?” he asked coolly.

“It sure would have helped her-“

“This isn’t the first time it’s happened, you know that.” He turned his head towards you. “We’ve been through this before, I’ve been through this before. I’ve tried to help, so many times. It ends up with either Becca or my dad despising me. It’s just… it’s exhausting.”

You bit your tongue and forced yourself to calm down before your anger got the best of you. You knew about this, Bucky himself telling you about his involvement. How you let yourself forget it so carelessly was beyond you.

“You’re right, though.” He shrugged, surprising you. “I told my dad this time that if he cuts her off, he can- he can do the same for me. ‘M sticking by her side.”

He let out a shaky breath.

“I’m sorry,” you said softly.

He shrugged again, looking straight ahead at the wall. He was chewing on his lip, eyebrows pulled together as he toyed with what you just noticed were bandages on his left knuckles. You wondered how the hell he managed to get those within two days.

It was close to nine thirty. You were beginning to question if you should pack up and go since there was no sound coming from Becca’s end. She had probably gone to sleep.

“I’m gonna-“ you began to tell Bucky that you were leaving, only to be interrupted.

“I didn’t do it, y’know,” he said quietly.

You stop for a moment before you finally look at him. “Do what?”

It was a dumb question. You knew exactly what he was talking about. You just weren’t sure if this was the time or place to talk about it.

“Set you up like that. I had no idea he was going to be there.”

“I know, I shouldn’t have said that.” You didn’t bother hiding that you knew it was plain overreaction on your end. It would be completely out of his nature. “But it doesn’t mean you didn’t know about him and Dot, or that you didn’t pair me up with people you knew I wouldn’t like.”

“You really believe that I wouldn’t tell you about Dot and Rumlow if I knew?” He twisted his body to face you. “That I’d spend even a second with her if I knew she was the girl he cheated with?”

“Rumlow and you spent too long together for me to not believe you had not even the slightest clue, Bucky-“

“But I didn’t. Rumlow and I- we never got along. Never spent any time that I wasn’t forced to with him. Couldn’t stand the guy, especially since-“ Bucky hesitated, before clearing his throat. “Doesn’t matter. The point is I wasn’t aware at all.”

“Especially since what?”

“What?”

“You said you didn’t like him especially since what?” you pressed on it, your curiosity too eager to ignore even though it was probably insignificant anyway.

“It’s nothing, doesn’t even matter now.” He scanned you for a second. “He just had a chance at something I never did.”

“At what?”

“Nothing, Y/N, just drop it.”

“Fine.” It didn’t make sense to dwell on it further if it just meant you getting riled up on something small that didn’t even matter. “What about the others?”

“Who?” He squinted, trying to find a connection to what you were talking about.

“Vision. Tony. I don’t even remember the others.”

He sighed and rubbed his temples. “If you’re asking whether I handpicked people you’d hate just to make you waste your time and energy, the answer is I didn’t.”

You crossed your arms over your chest. “Well-“

“But-” he continued at the same time as you, in all seriousness. You both went quiet at the same time until he clenched his eyes shut and shook his head. “Nevermind.”

“What?”

“It’s nothing, it’s bullshit.”

“I didn’t care about the last one, but this clearly includes me so speak up.” You narrowed your eyes at him.

“Both of them include you,” he said under his breath, almost inaudible expect for the fact that you were sitting right next to him and you could even hear every breath he took.

“Wait, what?”

He stared at you, panic written on his face. “I didn’t think you’d hear that.”

“I did, so explain it.”

“I told you, it’s nothing-“

“Why are you being so secretive all of a sudden?” you exclaimed, throwing your hands up. “I don’t get it, what’s your issue here? Why do you keep hinting at things like you expect me to understand everything?”

“I don’t expect you to understand any of it, Y/N, because you haven’t all these years,” he snapped, making you tilt your head in confusion.

Your eyebrows were raised so high you thought they might touch your hairline. “Excuse me?” 

“I couldn’t make it more obvious at this point.” He sounded annoyed, but it didn’t seem directed at you. That didn’t make it less infuriating though.

“What the hell are you talking about, Bucky?” you were amazed at how cryptic he could be.

“If you still haven’t gotten it, then-“

“Is this about the cups?” you interjected, mouth moving faster than your brain. “Because I know about them.”

He froze midway running his hand through his hair in frustration. “The what?” 

“I know you write stuff on them,” you continued calmly, realizing you had hit some kind of a spot. You didn’t tell him you didn’t know what exactly he wrote on them because no one had told you yet.

“Oh.” He choked out. “For how long have you- have you known?”

“A month or so.” You shrugged. “So if that’s what you’re referring to then-“

You trailed off, not knowing what to say next. He had gone still. An uncomfortable silence blanketed you both.

He swallowed thickly, jaw clenching. “I guess I have my answer then.”

He wordlessly got to his feet, shoving his hands deep into his pockets and began walking towards his room two doors down, leaving you utterly confused.

“What?” You scrambled to your feet to follow him. “Where are you-“

“Listen, Y/N, I got it,” he murmured, “I’m sorry I brought it up. You don’t have to explain anything.”

“Yeah, you might be the only one here who got anything, buddy.” You grabbed onto his shoulder in an effort to get his attention. “Will you please just stop-“

“I got your message,” he said quietly, stopping in front of his door. “Loud and clear.”

“James-“ You frowned because suddenly this felt way bigger than what you previously thought it to be. It was just a disagreement; you didn’t expect to see yourself losing a lifelong friendship over it.

“I’m, uh, sorry about the dates. I know you won’t believe me, but I truly didn’t mean for them to turn out like that.” He twisted the lock to his door open and walked in.

You chose to stay at the doorway, not wanting to intrude on his personal space without asking him if he was alright with it. You didn’t know what to say, he just seemed so dejected for some reason he wasn’t letting on.

He went to his table, pulling open a drawer and shifted some books from it before retrieving something else. He wiped at it with his sleeve, briefly looking at it while returning to where you were standing.

“This is yours,” he mumbled, handing it over to you. “As promised, since I didn’t keep up my end of the promise.”

It was a white envelope, frayed at the edges but still fairly surviving the years of being kept in the drawer. It didn’t take you more than three seconds to realize what it was.

It was the letter he promised you at the beginning of your deal.

“I’ll see you later. Have a good Christmas, Y/N.” He forced a small smile on his face before gently closing the door, leaving you alone in the corridor.

You flipped the envelope over to the front, fingers scrabbling to open it. After a few seconds of tripping over your own impatience, you tore the top open. You pulled out the paper, stomach lurching at the sight of his handwriting.

Dear Dolores:

Part 12

[mysideblogofsurveys]

Survey 16.

Favorite beverage: Well, Water I guess.  I like drinking Mt. Dew or Coffee but I’ve cut back on all that stuff (but I will have a cup of coffee every morning)

When was the last time you had ketchup? On Saturday.  We made Sweet Potato Fries but they don’t really good with ketchup

What is the most recent gift you've been given? My co-workers gave me a GrubHub gift card for all the help (they’re working from home but I still go into the office so they e-mail what they need to do to me so I can do it for them - I actually hate doing it but..we don’t really have a choice).  Anyway, they wanted to give me something as “Thanks for all the help” and I told them a simple “Thank You” is all I want but people don’t listen. (Not to be ungrateful but I don’t like receiving gifts from anyone other than family and NO ONE listens and gives me things anyway).

Did you leave the house today? Not yet, I’ll be leaving about 8:10 to go to work

Are there bumper stickers on your car? Yes :) a “Straw Hat” pirate one from the anime One Piece and an EXO sticker for the kpop group.

Are you watching tv right now? Kind of.  “Dark” on Netflix.  I paused it briefly though to read these questions - its in German so I need to read the subtitles.

Are you wearing anything blue? No

Do you have a job? Yes..but I’ve been thinking about quitting so I can move back to the city I loved.  Life is too short to live in a place you don’t like and I’ve seen other jobs I can apply for so I’m not worried.

Is your car messy? No, I like to keep it clean.

When did you last have whipped cream? This morning..I like using heavy whipping cream in my coffee (as opposed to the other creamers that are all sugar).  My husband uses the canned/aerosol whipped cream in his coffee though.

How far away is the closest house? Literally down 2 flights of stairs.  I live on the 3rd floor of an apartment.

What street do you live on? On one that has a cool name

Are you dating anyone? I’m married.

What color is you computer? Both my laptop and desktop are black

Do you own an iPod? What color is it? I do!  I won an iPod at my high school graduation celebration (my class had a “lock in” at the school - basically they “lock” you in the school (from like 6pm to 6am) where you can play games, nap if you want, eat all sorts of junk food or just hang out and have a party for everyone graduating, it was a lot of fun.  They had a raffle before everyone went home the next morning and I won an iPod (this was in 2006 so a long time ago lol) But it was just the standard black one.

What is the most recent picture on your phone/camera of: UGH OMG so I forgot I took a picture of this DISGUSTING roach that I found in our apt on Friday night.  They’re not the tiny/infestation ones, they’re large “Palmetto Bug” roaches that tend to wander into houses that have cracks and our vents.  Since I live in an apartment, theres not much I can do about it. I can’t wait to move!!!

Have you ever shot a gun? Oh definitely, we like to go to the gun range with my father-in-law.  Its a great way for us to bond and I hope to God I’ll never ever have to actually use one but I like the idea of not being completely defenseless if someone breaks into my house (as I’m small and could easily get overpowered)

What temperature is it? Maybe 70 in the apt but probably 80s outside? Do you know anyone with a third nipple? Uh..no.

What do your parents do for a living? My Mom is a dental hygienist and my Dad is an Electrician.

Have you ever had a pet that had babies? No :/ I always thought that would have been fun though

Which grocery store is closest to you? Publix

Do you have a hamper in your room? Yes

Do you know anyone that's a nurse? Yes but I haven’t talked to him in years.

Do you know someone with the name Alaina? No

What color is the blanket on your bed? Ahh, black blankets, blue blankets, purple blanket..we have like 4 or 5 blankets on our bed.

What are your parent's middle names? Well, one starts with an “S” the other starts with an “E”

Have you ever broken a bone? Yes, kind of

Do you wear braces or glasses? I wear glasses and had braces growing up.

What color are they? I’m assuming my glasses?  They’re black and have tiny stars in the corner. 

Are you currently reading a book? Yes, I’m reading “Legends of the Alfar” by Markus Heitz

When did you last get your blood drawn? Its been quite a few years

Have you ever done hard drugs? No, I’ve smoked weed before but didn’t like it.

How many contacts are in your phone? A lot but thats because I haven’t deleted them.  If I deleted everyone I don’t talk to, there wouldn’t be many.

Does your toilet have a seat cover? No.

What's currently on your grocery list? I have a whole list.  We haven’t been to the grocery store in a few days but we need to go when I get off work.

What things do you take with you everywhere? Wallet, phone, car keys..and my Zune (yes, the MP3 player from like 2000 lol)

Do you know someone that is/was over 100 years old? No but my Great-Grandpa is still living and he’s 96

Was your HS principal a girl or a boy? Woman I think..I actually don’t remember

Have you ever eaten a raw egg? No

Do you own any rings? Yes

Have you eaten fruit today? Not yet.  I’ve peeled 2 clementines for my breakfast when I get to work though

What about milk? Nope, not for a couple weeks.

What letter does your state start with? F

Could you list all 50 states? Easily.

What about their capitals? No, I used to be able to though

What internet browser do you use? Firefox.

Do you know anyone that lives in Wyoming? No, but my Husband and I joke about just leaving everything and moving there sometimes (to just get away from all the idiocy we see in this city).  I can’t believe there are only 500,000 people living in the entire state!

Do you smoke cigarettes? No

Which person you know has the most unique name? A few I suppose

Do you know someone that's missing a limb? No

Do you have facial hair? I don’t but my husband does Are you a bad person? I’m not and I hope no one thinks I am

What was the last swear you said? Bullshit (referring to my state closing beaches for Independence Day - yes I realize this was over a week ago but it still annoys me)

Have you ever called the police on someone? No

What is the most amount of pets you've had at one time? Two - a cat and dog

When did you last check your email? Yesterday.

Have you ever had a 3rd degree burn? No

Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? Yes, I fainted at work on time and they brought me to the hospital to find out what was wrong - thankfully it was nothing major

How long is your hair? About the middle of my back

Do you lock your doors at night? Oh yeah, they’re always locked even when we’re home.

Does your bedroom have a lock? Our bedroom doors do not

What do you have at your bedside? I have a table with old mail, a clock and sometimes my book (I want to read more before bed instead of looking at my phone)

How big is your bed? King

Do you know someone that was murdered? No

Do you know someone who's pregnant? No.  My friend was pregnant recently but she miscarried :(

Do you wear a watch? No, but I want to start wearing one!

What was your first pet? A cat

How much jewelry do you own? Not too much.  I don’t really wear jewelry.

What is the closest purple thing? My EXO pencil bag - it has their logo in a galaxy themed colors (purple, blue and green)

Green? Same thing as above

What time is it? 7:44am

What is your ideal profession? I wish I knew!! I have no idea :(

How tall are you? Like 5′0

Have you ever gotten x-rays? Yes

Do you wear gloves in the winter? I would but its never Winter in FL.

Do you consider yourself smart? Eh, so so.  I’m not stupid but I”m also not a genius.  I’m just average.

What color eyes are the prettiest? Gray-Blue eyes or Dark brown

Are your teeth straight? Yes

Do you like chocolate milk? I do but I don’t drink it because of all the sugar

Do you own a bike? No, I haven’t in years.  I want to buy one though but theres not really a place to bike where I live right now.

Are you taller than your mom? No, she’s like 5′1 lol so she’s just barely taller than me

Have you ever been engaged? Yes :)

What, in your opinion, is the ugliest name? I dont’ know, I don’t particularly like the old style names though

[graciebirdie]

The Sun The Moon and The Stars Chapter 7

Chapter 1 / Chapter 2 / Chapter 3 / Chapter 4 / Chapter 5 / Chapter 6

me showing up with a new chapter of a fic i haven’t updated in like 10 months: i made this.

you guys: *reads it*

Wednesday morning was relatively quiet after the FBI had left. Deputies doing paper work for the most part. Peter was certainly glad he’d never felt the need to join law enforcement if this was what they spent the majority of their time doing.

He sat outside the station going back through the box of his favorite books on magic, both the theory and practice, to make a reading list for Stiles.

He could feel a migraine building above his nose and blamed the perfume someone had sprayed in the car. It was fading but still too strong for werewolf senses.

He’d been able to ignore it relatively easily the day before but even with all the windows rolled down it was starting to grate on his nerves. He missed his own car. It was an odd feeling to have considering he’d had so many different ones over the years. He enjoyed driving as many different kinds as he could, forever looking for the perfect one.

Out of all the cars he could have been thinking of, for some reason the car that came to mind was Talia’s boring and dependable four door soccer mom van. Every time he’d been forced to pick up her kids that was the car he had driven. He could still remember the distinctive scent of it. Pack-food-dirt-cigarettes. Laura’s bad attempt at teenage rebellion.

A creaking sound snapped him out of his thoughts and he realized he was holding onto the steering wheel tight enough his knuckles were white. If he held on for much longer he could easily break it.

He took a long deep breath and forced himself to let go. He was sick and tired of sitting around doing nothing and was still smarting over Stiles inadvertently humiliating him.

Obviously it was time for a bit of a change of pace. The Sheriff would be safe in the station for a few hours while the hunter’s were all being distracted by dealing with the FBI.

Peter drove the borrowed car back to it’s garage, strangely pleased he wouldn’t be needing it anymore but also a touch annoyed he hadn’t thought to do this before.

Peter ran across town to one of Beacon Hills’ self storage lots, the slightly more seedy one. He walked to the front gate, hoping his password still worked. After all, he hadn’t been inside in almost seven years.

He had had automatic payments set up through his personal bank account, the one the pack had known about. Even after almost seven years and being his Power of Attorney Laura haven’t touched it. No doubt she thought it was full of blood money instead of everything he’d made through legitimate work. It was even the account he paid his taxes out of.

The unit he went to wasn’t his only one and of course he had more than one bank account, more than one identity. He liked to be prepared for all different contingencies.

His password to the front gate did work and he ducked through the opening gate, easily avoiding the camera on his way in.

He walked down the road between units until he came to his. He didn’t have his key but he did have a lock picking set in his pocket for just such occasions. He pulled the set out and quickly popped open the lock and slid the garage door up enough to duck under before pulling it closed behind him.

The unit was stuffed full of moving boxes and right in the middle of the organized mess was Peter’s newest car. The one he’d bought just a few months before the fire.

He’d put the car and the boxes in storage only two weeks before the fire. Talia had finally pushed Peter over the edge and he’d been all set to move out of the pack house and into an apartment full time.

He’d had a small one bedroom he rented for when he couldn’t stand to be around the pack, usually only spending a night there every few weeks, but Talia had started to push Peter harder and harder to fully conform to her ideals.

He and Talia had always butted head, fighting over everything from the colors of the living room walls to how to dispose of threats to the pack. They had usually been able to come up with some sort of compromise.

The move had been a compromise. Peter would still have been at Talia’s beck and call but he’d at least have a sense of freedom.

Now he had all the freedom he had ever wanted.

He crouched down to inspect the preservation runes drawn on the floor.

The runes were supposed to keep the unit in exactly the same state it had been the day he’d drawn them. The crystal that was the power source for the runes was still glowing very faintly so he knew so long as the runes were intact everything inside would been as good as new even after years of sitting untouched.

The little tiger’s eye next to the crystal was also glowing softly and Peter smirked, pleased that the witch he had bought them from hadn’t been lying when she’d told him they could last for years.

While the crystal was the power source the tiger’s eye was there to keep the mice out of Peter’s clothes, with the added bonus of keeping other people out too. Even if the payments had somehow stopped no one would have been able to get inside the unit and there were a few other runes beside the preservation one to make sure that no one would have noticed the lack of payments if it had come to that.

He flicked the tarp that was covering the car off to admire it full and  lightly ran his fingers over the sparkling green paint of his 1969 Gran Torino. It wasn’t exactly his type or color but he’d seen it at a vintage car show and had been mesmerized by the way it sparkled in the sunlight. He’d had to have.

He wandered around the car, wondering what had happened to his other cars. He’d had three in the garage at the house. He’d grudgingly allowed other pack members to borrow them, in exchange for favors. Usually just picking the kids up from school so he wouldn’t have to, sometimes taking his turn to make dinner when he was too busy with work.

He shock his head, dispelling such maudlin thoughts. The pack had been dead for years now. It was time to move on, on to something better. Stiles’ was going to be more than the pack had ever been and that was really all Peter needed now.

He looked over the boxes and wondered if there was anything in that he would need. Stiles had taken Peter’s jacket, there should be another one somewhere.

He moves the boxes around until he found one labeled winter clothes and smirked at it. He remembered one of the jackets in it vividly. It would be perfect. And if he ran into Derek while wearing it it would make an amusing declaration. His finger’s brushed supple leather and he pulled it out of it’s box. He held the jacket up and grinned at it. “Perfect.”

***

He drove his own car back to the station, smirking the whole time over how well the runes had kept the car and the gas in it in perfect condition.

He settled in to keep watch, in a considerable better mood than he had been since the need to keep watch had started. He’d even found some more books on magic that he’d recently bought. Or rather, bought just before the fire had happened, making it so that he hadn’t had the change to read them yet.

He half read his books and half watched FBI agents slowly bring in hunter after hunter through out the day.

After hours upon hours of waiting he finally heard the Sheriff say something relevant to him. “Well I’m off. I think I’m going to have dinner with my kid.” his tone suggested he was attempting to drop a subtle hint to someone. Peter suspected it was McCall the taller.

As Peter had thought McCall spoke next, sounding patronizing. “How nice for you that your schedule allows that.”

The Sheriff didn’t miss a beat replying “You’re right, it is nice.”

He didn’t wait for answer, instead calling out last minute reminders that the over-time budge was still maxed and to make sure that the FBI had all the assistance that they needed while he was gone.

Peter didn’t hesitate to tail the Sheriff back to his home and settle back down the street. There was a broken street lamp within his hearing range and he was fully intending to nap in the shadows while the Stilinski’s had their dinner and a quiet night in. But of course within minutes the Sheriff was deciding to have dinner out.

And Peter found out Stiles was grounded for some reason. It was incredibly amusing to think that it was because the Sheriff had found out about Stiles mixing with dangerous creatures of the night. It sounded like something his parents would have done to him, only in reverse. Peter had gotten in trouble more than once for attempting to corrupt poor innocent humans. He smirked as he remembered he hadn’t really changed much.

The Stilinki’s went to a tiny diner that was supposed to look like something from the 50s but just ended up looking kitsch and slightly rundown. Certainly, no place Peter was interested in going to. Although he was tempted to go in, just to see how Stiles would react. And the Sheriff too, for that matter. Peter thought the man had probably figured out about him at this point, and if not, it would be at least fun to watch the Sheriff’s face when he did work it out.

Maybe Stiles had even told him a bit about what had been going on, although Peter wasn’t sure when they would have had the time, he’d been watching the Sheriff like a hawk after all. He winced when he remembered he had been asleep at one point. Deeply enough asleep that Stiles had almost snuck up on him.

He pushed the thought away and saw to his delight that the little bakery next door to the diner was still open despite the slightly late hour. He parked and walked up to the bakery’s door to look at the times listed on it and blinked in confusion. The bakery didn’t even open until five in the afternoon and didn’t close until three in the morning. Which were, even for Peter, odd hours to keep.

Maybe the bakery was owned by an independently wealthy elderly person who liked working the night shift. He had certainly seen weirder establishments in his life. Although admittedly not in small town Beacon Hills. Either way, there were only two people inside and Peter was feeling a little hunger.

With a book under his arm he wandered in and ordered a sandwich and black coffee from the stoned looking college student sitting behind the counter. Her eyes were so red she could have passed for an alpha to an equally stoned werewolf.

He took his sandwich, coffee, and book and settled down at a little table in one of the front windows.

The only other costumer in the bakery was a man that had had either much more coffee than was advisable or was planing on robbing the place. He was practically jittering out of his seat and the stench of his anxiety was almost enough to make Peter leave. The tastiness of the sandwich was enough to make him stay.

Eventually the man left and Peter let himself actually pay attention to his book for a while. That was, until he caught the sound of the Sheriff’s voice outside. The tiny hint of concern in it was enough for Peter to jump out of his seat and out of the building, just in time to hear a gun shot.

He saw red and didn’t even try to stop himself from racing towards the sound of Stiles’ frantic screaming. He rounded the corner into an alleyway and there in front of him was gun powerder-blood-fear-Stiles’ fear.

Without hesitation he slammed into the man holding a gun. A gun pointed right at a very terrified and frozen Stiles who was still screaming.

He curled his hands around the man’s neck and wrenched. The man was dead so quickly he didn’t even get a final death rattle in. Peter was actually impressed that he’d managed to have enough restraint to just crush the would-be assassin’s neck and not completely decapitate him. Or tear his insides out.

He took several long deep breaths as he listened to the frantic but steady heartbeats of both the Stilinski’s in the ringing silence left behind once Stiles finally, finally quieted down.

Almost like a switch had been thrown Stiles’ heartbeat slowed and the fear scent was replaced by a numb calmness.

He was still visibly shaking, something that was only made more obvious when he pulled out his phone for it’s flashlight and tired to hold it steady while taking off his, Peter’s, jacket.

Almost on instinct Peter stepped closer, surprise that he was already standing. He didn’t remember standing up but he must have at some point.

Shrugging it off he took the phone from Stiles’ trebling and blood stained hand, holding it steady on where the Sheriff was taking off his own coat to study the long bloody gash on the back of his arm.

The Sheriff would probably be fine. The amount of blood told Peter that the bullet hadn’t hit any major arteries or entered his body. The fact he could move his arm at all was a good sign.

Stiles covered the Sheriff’s arm with Peter’s jacket, no doubt completely ruining the lining with blood. Blood that was filling the air and making Peter feel nauseous because, fuck, he’d almost let the Sheriff get killed, he’d almost lost every change he had at Stiles and it hadn’t even been a week.

“Peter.”

He felt his breath hitch and his spine straighten at how calm and commanding Stiles sounded. His voice didn’t tremble in the least as he asked Peter to call the police and get rid of the body. He didn’t even sound overly concerned that Peter had killed another person in front of him.

Stiles’ calm seemed to flow into Peter and he breathed easier. Stiles wasn’t mad that Peter had let the Sheriff get shot. Peter suspected Stiles didn’t even know about keeping his eye out for them.

The Sheriff, on the other hand, was looking at Peter with calculating and narrowed eyes but his protest against Peter taking the body was weak.

Dead body over his shoulder and an ambulance on it’s way Peter set off to make sure that if Peter got distracted again there wasn’t going to be any hunter’s around to take advantage of it.

***

Peter pulled up in front of the wear house the hunter’s had been using as a second base. He listened for a few minutes, a slow almost feral grin spreading over his face as the five remaining hunters fanatically tried to make contingency plans for in case their attempt on the Sheriff’s life didn’t pan out.

Peter had no idea why they thought killing the Sheriff would help their case when the FBI was in town but he wasn’t about to look the gift horse of panicked and disorganized hunter’s in the mouth. They were making sloppy mistakes and that would just make it easier for Peter to take care of them in one fell swoop.

He got out of his car and pulled the dead hunter of the trunk and over his shoulder again.

Without hesitation he walked right up to the side door of the wear house and knocked it down with one sharp kick.

The metal door made an ear splitting crash as it hit the concrete but Peter didn’t even blink. He throw the body down and smirked at the stunned hunters. “I think this belongs to you.”

The hunters all stared at him for a few more seconds, enough time for Peter to pick up the fallen door and use it as a shield against the hail of bullets that flew at him.

He rolled his eyes at how predictable hunter’s were, quickly sliding down the wall to the little office in the corner. The lack of plies of weapons inside the main part of the wear house told Peter that they were no doubt being kept there.

The door knob turned easily in his hand and he slipped in, crouching so the hunter’s wouldn’t be able to see him through the windows in the office that faced the main wear house.

He glanced around and grinned hugely at the box clearly labeled grenades. He pulled the top off the box and lovingly picked one of the grenades. “Hello lovely.” he cooed.

He propped the metal door against the wall to use as a makeshift barrier, pulled the pin out of the grenade, and thew it out the window towards the shouting hunters.

He curled up and pressed his hands tightly over his ears just before the explosion hit.

Unfortunately he underestimated how much damage a grenade could due and ended up with a thick wooden beam falling right on his head.

***

He woke up to a headache and the familiar feeling of being tied to a chair, his burning writs telling him the ropes had wolfsbane in them.

He sighed deeply.

“Oh? Are you finally awake?” Gerard Argent asked, voice full of grandfatherly interest.

Peter thought the it sounded disgusting, especially with the way it was making his head ache even worse.

He rolled his head up to squint at Gerard. “I so appreciate you waiting to kill me until I was wake enough to enjoy it.”

Gerard smiled at Peter and gave his knee a patronizing pat.

“Allison my dear,” Gerard called, beckoning the girl over from where she was leaning up against a charred wall.

Peter snarled as he finally realized where they were. Fury welled up inside, burning hotter and brighter and more painful than the fires that had taken his life away.

How dare they, how dare they, bring him back here.

He heard Allison gulp loudly, saw her start to visibly tremble, could smell her terror over the stench of smoke.

He snapped jaws that felt too big at her.

She stumbled away from him, loaded crossbow up but shaking too hard to be able to hit him if she let the arrow loose.

Gerard tutted at her and picked up the bright red gas can at his feet. It was the kind that didn’t come with a nozzle and he had to step closer to reach Peter with it. He uncapped it and plashed the disgusting liquid in Peter’s face. It splashed into his mouth and he gagged harshly.

Gerard stopped and grabbed a handful of Peter’s hair, tipping his head back. They stared at each other for a moment before Peter grinned at him and spit the mouthful of gasoline in Gerard’s face. He kicked out and knocked the can out of Gerard’s hand. It splashed over both their legs and the floor around them.

Gerard hummed thoughtfully and wiped his face off with a handkerchief.

Gerard’s hand shot out and caught Peter’s check but the slap didn’t even sting. Peter raised his eyebrow. “Is it your age or the cancer that’s taken all your strength?”

Gerard smiled and pulled a knife out of his pocket. He dragged the tip down Peter’s check and that actually did hurt because the gasoline dripped into the cut before it could heal.

Peter didn’t even blink.

Gerard smiled wider. “Allison sweetheart please bring me another can from the car.”

Allison didn’t move.

“If you were looking for another Kate I don’t think you found her.” Peter said, smiling at Allison.

Her hands trembled even harder.

Gerard sighed and sent her a sad look. “He’s right dear, your aunt would be so disappointed in you.”

Allison dropped the cross bow and doubled over, retching all over it and her shoes.

“Oh how the Argent’s have fallen.” Peter said mockingly.

Gerard sighed again before walking out of the run, presumably going to get more gasoline.

“Does your daddy know where you are?” Peter asked Allison conversationally.

She didn’t even look at him, too busy sniffling into her hands.

“After he forfeited his life just so you don’t have to go to jail this is how you’re going to repay him?”

That got Allison’s attention. “What the hell does that mean?” she asked, voice wrecked from tears and vomit.

“Oh come on Allison I thought you were smarting than that.”

She glared at him, trying to threatening but missing by a mile.

“Don’t you know what happens to hunter’s who betray their own?”

She slowly shook her head.

“They die, Allison.”

She let out a retched sob.

There was a creak of floorboards as Gerard stepped back into the room. He gave her a pitying smile and said “He’s always been too weak for our way of life sweetheart.”

She shook her head vehemently, looking at Gerard with pleading eyes.

He patted her on the head as he walked past her.

Gerard opened the second can and walked around the chair so Peter wouldn’t be able to kick him again.

He pored the gasoline over Peter’s head again and said conversationally “You know, it’s poetic really.”

Peter had no desire to listen to whatever gloating bullshit Gerard had to say. He tipped the chair back, he and Gerard going down with a crash. The chair was rickety and seemed to have barely survived the fire because it and the floor boards all collapsed under the impact.

Peter rolled to his feet to look down the hole where Gerard was laying in a heap of charred wood and spilled gasoline.

“You’re right.” Peter said quietly, pulling a lighter out of pocket. “It is poetic.”

He flicked the lighter open and watched the flame jump up his arm before he dropped the lighter down onto Gerard.

***

Peter laid on the grass next to the lake, staring up at the stars and trying to ignore the tight familiar feeling of healing burns.

Allison was sitting next to him and crying softly.

He was tempted to kill her just to shut her up but she had sprayed him down with a fire extinguisher when he’d been foolish enough to open a lighter with accelerate on his hands. Gerard might had been dumb enough to try and kill Peter with fire but he hadn’t been so dumb he’d forget the fire extinguisher.

Not that it helped him at all in the end.

But it had earned Allison a free pass to cry too loudly next to Peter.

There was the crunch of tires on gravel and a car pulled slowly up to the smouldering house.

“Allison?” Chris Argent called, voice sounding tremulous and stuffy, like he’d been crying too.

Peter rolled his eyes while Allison shot to her feet and ran to her father.

Peter carefully pulled himself up and brushed himself off, winching at the dull pain of the burn scars. They were healing more slowly than he would have liked but he supposed he should just be grateful that they were healing at all.

Argent was standing next to his car and holding onto Allison like he was afraid she was going to disappear like smoke while Allison held on to him just as tightly.

Allison was sobbing into his chest, repeating over and over how sorry she was while Argent shushed her and gently petted her hair.

Peter walked a bit closer, close enough Argent could see the sad state he was in and maybe take pity on him.

Argent stared him down and Peter gave a helpless shrug, winching exaggeratedly at the pull the move made on his scars.

“What happened?” Argent asked quietly.

Allison babbled out a story about Gerard taking her from their hotel room and telling her the only way he would forgive her and her father for giving statements against him was if she helped him kill the rest of the werewolves in Beacon Hills. But when they had gotten to the wear house base and found it mostly rubble with a few dead bodies and a very much unconscious Peter Gerard had been unable to resist. He’d taken both Allison and Peter to the Hale house, stopping along the way for gasoline, and Peter tuned out the rest of her story, he’d been there for that part after all.

“Dad?” Allison asked, obviously about to start crying again. “Is what Peter said true?”

Argent winced and gave Allison an awkward pat on the back. “Usually…the head of the family would say whether another member of the family should be killed.” he paused and gave her a slightly watery smile. “But considering we’re the only two…left maybe it would be for the best if we…”

He trailed off but Allison didn’t hesitate to finish the sentience for him. “I don’t want to do this anymore.”

Argent nodded and ushered her into the car. He stared at Peter for a moment before sighing and gesturing vaguely towards the car with his hand.

“Oh are you offering me a ride?” Peter asked, pressing his hands to chest and making a face of exaggerated shock.

Argent glared at him before saying “No.” and getting into the car.

They drove off and Peter fraught the urge to yell that he hadn’t wanted a ride anyway, just to get the last word in. It wouldn’t do him any good to try when Argent wouldn’t even be able to hear him.

Peter sighed and resigned himself to a long and uncomfortable walk back to his car. He just hopped it hadn’t gotten impounded while he was gone.

***

Not only had Peter’s car not been impounded no one had even called in the half caved in wear house. He shook his head in mock disappointment over how uninterested the residents of Beacon Hills had gotten.

He slipped into the driver’s seat and groaned loudly over the eventful night he’d had.

Peter glanced over to his old/new leather jacket sitting innocently on the set next to him and suddenly had a vivid sense memory of Stiles on his knees in front of him, bright red blood smeared on his face and shining in the half light. He grinned at the jacket and decided that just because he was fairly sure he’d solved the last of Beacon Hill’s hunter problem didn’t mean he couldn’t drop in on Stiles and his father and make sure they were alright.

***

He leaned up against the side of the house and listened to sound of the shower running and Stiles very softly, almost silently crying.

Fuck, but Peter had had enough of crying for one day. He was about to climb up to Stiles’ window when he heard the soft whoosh of it sliding open and looked up to see Stiles leaning out.

“Peter?” he called softly, his voice breaking in the middle of the word.

And, well, Peter wasn’t about to turn down an invitation like that.

***

Poor Stiles was stressed out, over tired, and under feed and if Peter didn’t like the Sheriff so much he might be tempted to kill him.

The Sheriff closed the door to Stiles’ bedroom the moment Stiles was gone. He turned to Peter and carfully crossed his arms over his chest, leaned his back against the door and raised an eyebrow. “What did you mean by that? He doesn’t have to worry about someone taking a shot at me?”

Peter smiled and it was all teeth. “Just that there wasn’t anyone else to take the shot.”

The Sheriff manged to look even more disgruntled. “And why is that?”

“They were, unfortunately, all of them victims of their own hubris.”

The Sheriff didn’t so much as blink.

“If you want a detailed description of what happened I suggest you ask Allison Argent.” Peter said with a smile.

That, the Sheriff did twitch at. He rubbed his hands over his face and groaned deeply.

“If it makes you feel any better you won’t have to take Gerard Argent to court now.”

The Sheriff groaned again, even louder, and swore under his breath for almost a solid minute. Peter was quietly impressed.

“Let me see if I understand this correctly,” the Sheriff started, staring Peter down almost threateningly. “You killed several hunters tonight and now you’re trying pin it on Allison Argent because you know she’s going to skip town without talking to me.”

Peter grinned. “You know, you’re a very clever man Sheriff Stilinski.”

The Sheriff just glared harder. “There are three reasons I’m not going to arrest you.” he paused for a moment before adding thoughtfully, “Or take the law into my own hands.”

Peter leaned forward eagerly.

“One, you’ve saved Stiles’ life twice now. Two, you’re a werewolf and Stiles says you could very easily escape from prison. And three, for some reason I don’t understand Stiles trusts you enough to leave me in a room with you alone.”

“Sheriff, I wouldn’t have gone through all the trouble I went through to keep you alive if I wanted to just kill you.”

He didn’t look impressed. “So you are my new stalker.”

Peter gave him an innocent smile, not trying to deny it nor surprised the Sheriff had noticed Peter following him around.

“I don’t…like this.” the Sheriff said haltingly. “I don’t…I don’t like any of this. But I know my son, and I know there is absolutely nothing I can do to keep him away from this. So. If you’re going to be hanging around Stiles you’re going to be stuck hanging around me too.”

John gave a decisive node and Peter gave him a huge Cheshire cat grin.

[sebastianxnott]

Sebastian Valiente Nott + Questionnaire

trigger warning ; abuse, drugs & ptsd. 

ORIGINS & FAMILY

Name: Sebastian Valiente Nott

Nickname(s): Seb, Bash, Sebby, Basty, mi soldado (by his mother), hermanito (by his sister) &  ahijado (by his godmother)

Reason for name:

Sebastian is a name meaning ‘venerable’ which means ‘accorded a great deal of respect‘ which is one of the reasons his mother gave him that name. It was also his maternal great great grandfather’s name.

His mother gave him the middle name Valiente because he was very ill when he was born. She was told not to name him until he survived a week but she did anyway and that was the name she gave him because it was the Spanish word for brave.

Birthday: Nineteenth of January, 2004

Age: Nineteen

Gender: Male

Place of birth: St Mungo’s, London, England

Places lived since:

Nott Manor in Cheshire, England

Hogwarts for most of the year starting at age eleven

An apartment in London with his mother from age twelve when he wasn’t at school

In an apartment with Brett Holland and Archer Selwyn in Hogsmeade

Parents’ names, backgrounds, occupations:

Edgar Nott - Father - He is the son and younger brother of known Death Eaters who fought in the Second Wizarding War. He is a pureblood wizard and Slytherin alumni. He took part in the Second Wizarding War but not in the Battle of Hogwarts itself. He has dabbled in other illegal activity and eventually set up Nott Industries as a cover for his drug ring. Up until recently, he was the biggest drug lord in Wizarding England. In 2022, he was arrested for his drug activity and links to the Death Eaters escape from Azkaban. He married his betrothed, Andrea Valazquez at age twenty two, who he has since separated from. They have two children together Verity and Sebastian. Following his trial and sentencing, Edgar received the Dementor’s Kiss.

Andrea Nott (nee Valazquez) - Mother - She is the eldest daughter of a well-known pureblood, Mexican family. She is a pureblood witch and a Castelobruxo alumni. She is a kind woman who has lived her whole life honestly. She never really believed in her family’s supremacist ways. When she married Edgar, she hoped to change his illegal ways and was unsuccessful. She worked as a waitress to provide for her son and continues to do so even though he is financially independent. She married her betrothed, Edgar Nott, when she was twenty one - who she separated from when she found out he was abusing Sebastian - and has one other child named Verity.

Number of siblings: One

Verity Nott (older sister)

Relationship with family (close? estranged?):

Sebastian does not get along with his father. He abused his son when he refused to join the family business. When Andrea left Edgar and took him with her, they both cut off all contact with him. Seb suffers from PTSD because of his relationship with his father. He testified at the Nott trial and was attacked by his father’s men as a result. He visited Edgar in prison before he received the Dementor’s Kiss, got closure and forgave him for all he’d done.

Seb is a mama’s boy. Not only is this because she is the only parent he still talks to but she always doted on and even babied him a little. Since she separated from his father, he feels the need to protect her from any kind of harm.

Verity and Seb haven’t always been close. When their parents separated, things became tense. He tried to get her to see the real Edgar with little success until he was arrested. He still would do anything to protect her though. Since the arrest though, they’ve gotten closer and Verity has seen the truth. Seb even reunited her with their mother.

Happiest memory: When Verity came to have dinner with him and his mother for the first time in five years.

Childhood trauma: The time when his father attacked him so bad that they had to say it was an animal attack when he went to St Mungo’s. 

Children of his/her own?: N/A

PHYSICAL

Height: 5″10 / 178 cm

Weight: 159 lbs / 72 kg

Build: Slim

Nationality: English & Mexican

Disabilities (physical or mental, including mental illnesses): PTSD

Complexion: He has a few freckles / moles on his chin and cheeks. He also has a scar along his left cheekbone from one of the times his father lashed out at him with a knife. He also has scars scattered along his arms, legs and torso as a result of the abuse in his childhood and also fresher ones from his attack in 2023.

Hair color: Black

Usual hair style: Kinda sticks up around his head even when he doesn’t gel it up.

Eye color: Dark Brown

Glasses? Contacts?: Contacts

Style of dress/typical outfit(s): Seb’s style is jeans and brightly colored t-shirts, occasionally comic themed. He also has a dark denim jacket that he wears almost all the time. He’s also prone to wearing high top Converse.

Health: Seb rarely gets colds or stomach bugs but he bruises like a peach and scars easily.

Grooming: Seb showers every evening. He doesn’t wear makeup or pluck his eyebrows but gels his hair frequently. He doesn’t wear dirty clothes, unless it’s by accident.

Tattoos? Piercings?:

‘Still I Rise’ on his outer right wrist with the ‘I’ designed to look like an arrow.

Compass / Arrow on his inner, upper arm. 

No Piercings

Accent?: British but the Mexican comes out when he gets angry and speaks Spanish.

Unique mannerisms/physical habits: He bites and picks at his nails frequently.

INTELLECT

Level of education (high school drop out, undergrad BA/BS, PhD, MD, etc.): Hogwarts graduate, currently carrying out the healer training programme at St Mungo’s.

Gifts/talents/skills:

Seb is very good at cooking because of his mother. She taught herself and all of his favorite meals are the ones she cooks, even when he lived in Nott Manor with a five star chef. So he asked her to teach him so he could cook when he was at Hogwarts and when he finished.

He is currently teaching himself how to play the guitar and has been for about a year now.

Sebastian speaks English, Spanish and French.

Seb was the Quidditch seeker for the Hufflepuff team and considered himself very good at it.

Shortcomings:

Sebastian is a little unstable do to his PTSD and tends to change his mood from day to day or even hour to hour. He has nightmares almost every night and his thoughts are frequently haunted by what his father did. Though he is improving, he is still very unstable.

Due to his history, Seb has a tendency to be paranoid and finds it difficult to trust people. 

Style of speech: He speaks with great articulation but his voice tends to get quieter and more shaky when he’s unhappy.

Religious stance: Wizarding Catholic

Cautious or daring?: Cautious but with infrequent daring streaks.

Most sensitive about/vulnerable to: Showing off his arms because of the scars

Optimist or pessimist?: Pessimist

Extrovert or introvert?: Introvert

RELATIONSHIPS

Current marital/relationship status: In a relationship with Ariadne McLaggen

Sexual orientation: Heterosexual

Past relationships:

TBD

Level of sexual experience: He has had sex with three people, including his current girlfriend.

Most comfortable around (person): Brett Holland & Archer Selwyn

Oldest friend: Wyatt Holland (deceased)

Pets?: He has a white cat named ‘Posa which is short for Mariposa.

VOCATION

Profession: Healer-in-Training

Past occupations: Student

Passions: Cooking, Guitar & Quidditch

Attitude towards current job: All Seb wants to do is bring good to the tainted Nott name. and the way to do that is by helping people instead of harming them. So he loves his job and looks forward to being fully qualified as a healer.

Attitude towards current coworkers, bosses, employees: He is impartial to most of his colleagues but attempts to get along with them the best he can.

SECRETS

Phobias:

Losing anyone else he cares about.

Life goals:

Sebastian would like to finish is healer training and become one of the best in whatever field he ends up choosing.

Greatest fears:

Seb is afraid of his father getting let off with no prison time and coming to get him. This is a result of his PTSD.

Most ashamed of:

Despite all the good it has done, Seb frequently feels ashamed about becoming an informant in his father’s case. This is more because he did not tell his sister about it than getting his father imprisoned.

Compulsions:

Whenever Seb is upset or angry or just wants to get away, he is automatically drawn to the roof. Not because he wants to jump off but rather just to escape. It was a tactic as a child and it was usually Ver who found him.

Crimes committed (and was he/she caught? charged?): N/A

What he/she most wants to change about his/her self/life?: He wants to change most things about himself.

DETAILS/QUIRKS

Daily routine:

Seb gets up about an hour before he has to go to St Mungo’s for training, eats a small breakfast and showers quickly. He apparates to work. He eats lunch, usually in the hospital cafeteria, at about 12 but that depends on what he has to do in the morning. He finishes at around 5 but again that depends on what he has to do. Seb does not leave until he’s finished with what he has to do. Depending on the day, he has dinner with his sister, his girlfriend or his housemates. He usually cooks. His evening plans and who he spends them with depend on the day as well. He usually goes to sleep just before midnight.

On the weekends, Seb sometimes goes to St Mungo’s depending on what training he has. If he does not do this, he frequently visits his mother on the weekends but also spends time with his girlfriend, his sister or his best friends.

Night owl or early bird?: Night Owl

Light or heavy sleeper?: Light Sleeper

Favorite food: Anything his mother cooks

Favorite book: Comic books mostly.

Favorite movie: Anything from Marvel or DC.

Favorite song: Anything by Panic! At the Disco.

Favorite color: Gold

Coffee or tea?: Coffee

Crunchy or smooth peanut butter?: Smooth Peanut Butter

Type of car he/she drives (or wishes he/she drove): Doesn’t drive.

Lefty or righty?: Lefty

Cusser?: Yes and usually in Spanish.

Smoker? Drinker? Drug user?: No. Socially. Never.

[lovemesomesurveys]

1. Why did you stop liking the last person you liked?: Over time I just moved on. Nothing was going to come of it and we had drifted apart. He honestly just like disappeared. One day I saw he had deleted Facebook and Instagram and I have no idea what happened.

2. If you were dating someone seriously for a long time and were considering marriage, would them not wanting kids (or wanting kids; if you don't want them) be a deal-breaker?:
 This is an interesting question because I don’t see myself ever getting married or having kids, so it’s hard to answer this. I’m not sure what I would do because I can’t even imagine myself in that situation to be honest.

3. If someone cheated on you, would you give them a second chance?: I don’t know. My first reaction is to be like, “NO”, but again, I think you don’t really know unless you find yourself in that situation (which I hope I never do). I think it would depend on the situation and other factors.

4. What do you think about before you go to bed?: Everything and anything. For some reason my brain likes to go to some weird, sometimes dark, places.

5. Are most of your friends virgins?: Just me.

6. Could you date someone who was a different religion than you? What about be just friends with someone of a different religion?: I could be friends with someone of a different religion, but as for a relationship that could be complicated. I’m not sure.

7. Do you enjoy sexist and racist jokes?: No. 8. What about dirty jokes?: Eh, some can be funny I guess. 9. Could you date someone with a kid?: No.

10. Do you respond to texts that just say "lol" or "haha" or just a smiley? Why or why not? Not usually. I don’t know how to respond to that and I feel it doesn’t need a response.

11. Do you think you're easy to talk to? Are you a better talker or listener?: I’m a better listener. 12. Who was the last person you were "in a relationship with" on Facebook (including anyone you may have put "in a relationship with" for a joke)?: I’ve never been “Facebook official” with anyone, ha. I also haven’t done that for a joke.

13. Do you think a relationship with a 16-year-old girl and a 35-year-old man would work out? Do you think age differences like that (when they're under 18) should be legal?: Uh, well, that’s illegal first and foremost so there’s a lot of issues there. I wouldn’t support any relationship if one of them involved was underage.

14. What's one job you would HATE to have?: Shout out to the janitors out there for real. 15. Be honest. When you hear someone wants to be an artist or musician, do you automatically think "Oh gawd, they're going to fail and be a loser forever..."?: No, I don’t think that, but I do think that it’s going to be hard for them to find work because that’s just the reality of those professions.

16. When you write, what do you usually write about?: I haven’t written anything since I last was in school. These surveys are the only writing I do anymore.

17. Were you ever "the other man/woman"? How did it turn out? How do you feel about it today?: No.

18. Have you ever cheated? What have you learned from it?: No.

19. What do you think of open relationships? If your partner suggested it, what would you say?: I wouldn’t be okay with that all, personally.

20. If you had a girl right now, what would you name her (full name)? What about a boy?: Sigh.

21. Are you crushing on anyone right now?: Alexander Skarsgard.

22. Are you a party animal? Why or why not?: No I'm lame as shit. <<<< Ha, same.

23. Do opposites truly attract, or would you rather date someone more similar to you than different?: Of course I’d like to have things in common with the person I’m with, but differences are good, too. We don’t have to like or do all of the same things. We’re different people. It’s good to have your own interests as well. Plus, when there’s differences you can inform each other of things that you may not know about it and it can be fun and interesting.

24. Could you date someone with no job, no car, and no goals?: I instantly want to say no and then I realize that wait, that someone is me.

25. Would you ever date out of your race?: Yes.

26. When you have old clothes/whatever that you don't want anymore, what do you do with it?: I donate them.

27. Do you still have a landline, or does everyone in your family just use cellphones?: We do still have a landline. We give that number out to doctors and such.

28. Are you religious?: Yes.

29. Do you like the "guys/girls you can't have" or would you rather have someone upfront, honest, and good for you?: Apparently that’s the case because no one wants to be with me.

30. Are any of your clocks set in the 24-hour (sometimes called "army time") format? Do you knowwhat 18:08 would be in "regular" time?: No they’re not. Yes, it would  be 6:08PM.

31. What are five personality traits that would make you instantly not want to be with someone romantically?: Cockiness, arrogance, controlling, disrespectful, and humorless.

32. What about five traits that would immediately catch your attention?: Sense of humor, patience, compassion, reliable, and trustworthy.

33. Ever had a relationship last under a week? Do you even count those as relationships?: Ha, after my first boyfriend and I broke up we got back together at one point for a few days. I don’t count it as a relationship.

34. Do you celebrate "month-a-versaries" or do you just do it yearly?: I would just do it yearly.

35. Is it okay to fool around when you're single?: Yeah.

36. If you're single, do you still mess around?: I haven’t even been talking to anyone in that way for a few years now.

37. What does your work uniform look like?: No job.

38. What's the oldest age someone should be living at home at (if they're NOT going to school or because they moved back in due to a divorce/lost their house/or another tragedy)?: Who am I to say.

39. Is there anyone you know who hasn't changed much (personality-wise; not maturity-wise) since middle school?: Yeah. 40. Are you attending college after high school? Which one? If not, whatcha gon' do?: I did, yes.

41. What curse words do you find to be the most offensive?: The F word when used excessively.

42. Do you have any sexist beliefs?: I don’t think so.

43. A teenage girl wears a revealing outfit to a club and gets date raped. Did she "bring it upon herself" because she was dressed that way? Or is that mindset just sickening?: Wow, absolutely not. That mindset is very sickening. Let’s put the blame where it’s due, which is on the rapist. No matter what someone is wearing, it’s not an open invitation for someone to take advantage of and abuse them. Ever.

44. What kinds of books do you normally like to read?: Young adult/New adult novels.

45. What do you put in your coffee?: Flavored creamer or cream and sugar.

46. Do needles make you pass out?: No, but I do get really hot and weak whenever I have get blood drawn.

47. Do you have any friends who spend all their time with their partner, but when something goes wrong, they come back to you? Even though they ditched you for their partner a bunch of times?: It was like that sometimes.

48. Do you think being gay is a choice?: No.

49. Do you think you're good-looking? Why or why not? Nope.

50. Would you have sex before dating someone?: No.

[natsthinkitythinkthinkthonk]

Happy 32nd Birthday Nobuhiko Okamoto!

Personal Note:

I’ve been preparing for a while because I wanted to make this with a lot more thought. Sorry for the length of this post. I spent quite a bit of time on it, but I didn’t realize it would get so long! He is one of my top favourite voice actors (both English and Japanese) ever. To me, he’s a relatable, awesome, and passionate inspiration. He puts his all into every role he does, and he never gives up no matter who tells him to. 

I could probably go on about how much I like many of the roles he’s done, but that would be a whole other essay in itself. I even considered watching Corpse Party (the scaredy cat I am) because I heard he was in it. Yeah, I’m one of those people who gets drawn to anime when I figure out certain studios and voice actors are attached to it. I have watched a few episodes of some really bad anime because I heard he was in it. No regrets! Okay, maybe I have a few... I still haven’t watched them all though! I plan on watching a ton more, and that includes a few bad apples here and there.

Despite all the hurdles and adversity he faces, he overcomes it! He has had so many amazing roles, he sings, he’s good at shogi, and he’s just a good person. I respect him a lot. Honestly, I can’t word stuff too well, but I sincerely hope he continues working, maybe gets married and has kids (since he said he wanted to), and experiences all the happiness he deserves.

Table of Contents:

Top Roles (+ clips)

Trailblazer arrangement

Facts + Q&As

Music Recommendations

Additional Sources + other cool posts

Top Roles:

I watched to include even the ones that I didn’t watch entirely, so I put together a whole list. It’s generally not too strict in order, but I went from his good to his best. If I wanted to put a few words, I just included them in square brackets. In those, there will also be recommended clips if I feel the need to add any in.

* = ones that I haven’t watched completely (or up to its current point)

Rui Tatsumi* - Starmyu

Ivan Karelin* - Tiger and Bunny

Shin-ah - Akatsuki no Yona

[This character didn’t talk much, so he actually got to play a MOB character as well. I found this character kind of charming though.]

Mitsuo - Danshi Koukousei no Nichijou

[He’s the one who dropped the hot dog. Rest in Pieces. This anime made me laugh, and even though this character barely appeared, he made me laugh every time he did. Recommended clip: “Glasses”]

Gladion* - Pokemon Sun & Moon

[He’s actually the perfect choice to play this edgy boi.]

Yumeji Fujiwara* - Yumekui Merry

[RIP the can]

Makoto Kashino* - Yume-iro Pâtissière

[I just started this one]

Mizuki* - Kamisama Hajimemashite

[I watched six episodes of this one.]

Rei Ogami - Code:Breaker

[This wasn’t a very good anime, it’s a mediocre manga, but I still enjoyed it.]

Nikaidou Harunobu* - 3-Gatsu no Lion

[I watched around 6-8 episodes of this one. This character is a pure round boi, and I like the way Nobu portrayed this character. Recommended Clip.]

Io Otonashi* - Acchi Kocchi

[I watched around 5 episodes of this one. His bishounen game is very strong.]

Takeru Fujiwara* - Prince of Stride

[These anime characters run like how I run from my life responsibilities and problems. His bishounen game is also very strong. The strong and silent type is always popular. Sadly, I’m the quiet and extremely frail and weak type.]

Shouta Kisa* - Sekaiichi Hatsukoi

[According to Tumblr, he has never done an R-rated (18+) BLCD, but he has been in some shounen-ai anime.]

Issac Foster - Satsuriku no Tenshi

[My reaction to this anime. Don’t worry, I’m following this to the end.]

Ryousuke Kominato - Diamond no Ace

Ryou Kurokiba* - Shokugeki no Souma

Age - Sakasama no Patema

[Yeah, that’s his actual name. If you name your child something that stupid, I would personally like to have a word with you. This movie was really nice though.]

Accelerator* - Toaru Majutsu no Index

[I had to include his laugh to this]

Jurai Andou - Inobato (Inou-Battle wa Nichijou-kei no Naka de)

[And jail is just a building you live in! I can’t remember the context of this line.]

Kiyoharu Hyoudou - Welcome to the Ballroom

Yoichi Saotome* - Owari no Seraph

Eiji Niizuma* - Bakuman

[Recommended Clip]

Obi - Akagami no Shirayuki-hime

[When he looks into the mirror and realizes he’s missing his eyebrows.]

Takumi Usui* - Kaichou wa Maid-sama

Yuu Nishinoya* - Haikyuu

[Recommended Clip: ROLLING THUNDER!]

Rin Okumura - Ao no Exorcist

[He’s such a likeable protagonist. Recommended clip: Rin x Shiemi because they’re adorable]

Mikoto Mikoshiba - Gekkan Shoujo Nozaki-kun

[This character made me laugh so much. He and Seo are my favourites. I haven’t seen another amazing anime with both Miyuki Sawashiro and Nobu. They’re my two favourites. I hope to see them acting together eventually (even if Mikorin and Seo never really communicated). Thanks to Nobu, we have a voice to this madly embarassed bishounen. Recommended Clips: Mikorin Clips, Mixer Clip]

Katsuki “Kacchan” Bakugou - Boku no Hero Academia

[Bakugou might not always be my cup of tea as a character, but his voice made me like him somewhat anyway whether he’s an asshole or not. There are a few scenes in season three that hit me with mad feels,, but even during season one and two, Nobu aced this role. This role is what shot him up to one of my favourite voice actors. Recommended Clips: Rage moments, Kacchan vs Deku audio segment (scroll down a little for this Tumblr post), Salty Bakugou S1]

Karma Akabane - Assassination Classroom

[While Bakugou is one type of crazy, Karma is another. Honestly, he’s such a sly, cunning, and mischievous character, but that’s what we all like about him, right?]

Trailblazer Arrangement:

This is my first time transcribing a song and arranging it! I improvised and made up some stuff (mostly guitar solos that just didn’t fit as well logically on piano). I usually don’t like (actually, I kinda hate) transcribing because it’s basically like trying to copy down a book that someone reads aloud (and you can’t look at the text). But it was worth doing this! He’s definitely not my favourite singer, but I’d still listen to him.

I didn't want to go with an original score for this one because I felt like I wanted to improve a lot more as a composer and artist (as if I'm qualified enough to be called those terms). When I make one for him, I want to go all out.

Facts:

I found some other interesting facts online. There are quite a few different sources. I’ll try to list them below all the facts (but I might link them to the actual facts as well. There are a lot, so there’s that.

All [Nat Notes] will be put between square brackets “[these]”.

These are all from THIS POST:

After graduating from secondary school, he entered some voice acting training courses associated with his agency (Pro-Fit) to pursue his dream as a seiyuu.

To be able to pay for his training, he worked at a 7-Eleven and a post office.

His family is very strict and conservative.

He was into video games when he was younger, but his parents were against letting him play video games and ended up limiting him to a one-hour per day time limit [THIS POOR BOI]

[Regarding his gaming] his parents told him, “If you want to play games, you can play shogi.” This ended up being the reason he started playing shogi.

He is a practicing Catholic [ironic since one of his most iconic roles is playing the son of Satan]

He’s a 3rd dan ranked shogi player, and he once aimed to be a professional shogi player.

He has a huge love for sweets. I follow his blog, and a lot of his posts involve sweets.

“His favourite [candy bar] would be Black Thunder chocolate bars (same as Kamiya Hiroshi and Ono Daisuke), and at one point, he always ends up buying Black Thunder by the box, stocking up on it, and eating up to 10 bars in one day, that his agency decided to restrict him into eating just one bar a day.” [let the poor guy eat his chocolate]

He is easily bullied by other seiyuu [check out the original post which has gifs of his mishaps]

“[While recording] …he ran away from the mic, forgetting that he was wearing headphones connected to the mic and ended up messing up the recording room, and the staff had to rearrange everything.”

He’s a big fan of Pokemon [He now plays Gladion in Pokemon Sun & Moon]

These are from “More Nobu Facts”

“As a student, he used to fall asleep on the train and miss his destinations sometimes. He thinks that it’s really comfortable to take a nap there.” [Yeah, you say that until you somehow end up in the middle of nowhere and wonder where you are and why you even exist.]

“He suffers from hay fever in the spring. Said that the symptoms kill him.” [You and me both except mine are year-round and gradually getting worse.]

“He played with Lego bricks when he was a kid.” [If he’s the type of person who left out the bricks and made people experience pain because of it, I will personally leave Lego bricks outside his door. Those things hurt when they’re unexpected.]

“He loves the indoor life.” [don’t we all…]

“He read the Harry Potter series.” [I did too! Not that I remember any of it.]

“His cute, foreign Furby only speaks English. Noburin stated, “English is very hard.”” [HOW DO PEOPLE SLEEP KNOWING THEY OWN ONE OF THOSE? I WOULD BURN IT IF I GOT ONE.]

“In elementary school, the girl he liked gave him chocolate on Valentine’s Day. He said he felt like crying from the shock.” [I haven’t experienced that. Was he happy because it was that girl who gave him chocolate or because he got free chocolate?]

“He was hospitalized before when he was a child due to a bad cold (or maybe the flu).” [Well, that diet sure doesn’t help, and I doubt screaming all the time is good for you. Weirdly, I can’t say anything more than that because I do both too except I scream internally while he does it as his profession.]

He tends to get sick within the first two weeks of October, right before his birthday. [I wish you luck!]

He likes to watch lightning and thinks that it’s cool. [I’M SO SCARED OF THUNDER]

During the summer as a kid, he liked to catch cicadas and dragonflies, and play with water guns. [SAME DUDE]

He was in the badminton club during secondary school.

These are all from his Q&A! [Part 1], [Part 2], [Part 3], [Part 4]:

I’m not going to include quotation marks for this one for the most part. I changed some awkward phrasing. I left out some questions from the original posts as well. Check the sources out!

Nickname: Pikorin

Favourite animal: Dog [Same. I love my dog, Penny. She’s my little sister. I have no shame.]

What are you fond of?: Squirrels [why?]

Description of your personality: Moody [Same.]

Favourite Colour: Black

Health and Beauty Routine: I drink two cups of milk in the morning and do squats two times a day. 

First thing you do in the morning?: Rinse your mouth

First thing you wash in the bath: Face

Amount of sleep you get: 4 hours on the weekdays, 10 hours on the weekend  [I wouldn’t live with that kind of schedule.]

Rain or sunshine: Rain!

What did you play as a child?: I slid down the slide and got many scratches. [I ran up slides a lot in elementary school]

Something you’re proud of: “I have a shiny legendary Pokemon.” [I ALMOST NEVER GET SHINIES. LET ALONE LEGENDARY ONES. THAT’S AN ACCOMPLISHMENT RIGHT THERE. The chances of getting one kinda vary, but it’s less than 0.1% I think.]

Favourite school subject: Math [Can’t relate. I’m dumb.]

Least favourite school subject: Civics

Best school memory?: I won a badminton tournament. [Can’t relate. I’m a blob.]

Previous part-time jobs: [...]post office, fast food, convenience store and then accounting, I’ve done different jobs.

If you could be reborn, would you be a man or woman? A woman!

Who was your first love?: We were in elementary school, in the same class. [Related post]

Any gesture of women unnerving to you?: My heart skips a beat when ousted or “shooed” by hand.  [He gets shooed like a bug XD]

Where would you go for a date?: Tokyo Disney Sea.  [You know you’re at the height of luxury when you can afford to take someone there. I want someone to take me to Disneyland or Disney World, or a Disney Cruise.]

Morning person or night person?: Morning person.  [Can’t relate.]

If you could drive to any time period, what would it be?: Jurassic Period! [If it just so happens you do, *pats* it was nice knowing you (even though he doesn’t know me). He’ll get eaten by a dinosaur.]

If you were stranded on a deserted island, what would you want there with you?: My Nintendo DS or PSP.   [Good luck without a charger or electricity. What games would he bring though?]

Favourite music genre: Anime songs [Me too fam.]

Do you play any instruments? No, playing the F chord on the guitar is my limit. [I like playing and creating music. I’m just not any good at it. XD He should try learning though!]

Favourite sports: swimming and badminton [I’m not good at swimming. I’m not good at badminton. I’m not good at sports.]

Sweets you usually eat: Macarons and chocolate-related sweets [AYE, that’s pretty much my taste too, so we pretty much have similar taste.]

Something you’re self-conscious about: The thickness of my eyebrows. [If his eyebrows were ugly, I would’ve commented on that already. XD (I usually say something along the lines of, “Is that a caterpillar on your face? It’s so thick and bushy! It looks like you took hair from your head and put it on your eyebrow! Maybe you can’t grow facial hair because all of it goes to those eyebrows.”)]

What will you do when and if only you became an invisible man one day?: Secretly observe Sugita Tomokazu-san. [Well, alright then. Fangirls have some competition? More importantly, Nakamura has competition!]

What’s the scariest thing to you?: In a sense, the most intimidating people. [All people are intimidating for me O^O’]

What is the title of the first game you’ve ever played in your life?: “Super Mario World”. [For me, it was Pokemon Pearl]

What would you be if you went into the fantasy world?: A witch. [Nobu, defying gender barriers. He’ll be a fabulous witch. I would similarly want to be a mage.]

What if I want to use a weapon to fight monsters?: Bow, crossbow. [I would want to use magic or a sword!]

Favourite season?: Spring. [I like winter because plants are dead (I have extremely bad allergies), snow, Christmas, my birthday, and New Year’s!]

At what spot do you like to linger around?: Starbucks. [Again, the height of luxury is when you’re able to afford Starbucks regularly.]

How’s your tolerance to alcohol?: I can’t drink much. [I don’t drink]

What good books do you usually read?: Original works that are adapted into anime. [I don’t read a lot. I’m an illiterate fool.]

What do you buy at convenience stores?: Fresh premium caramel roll cake. [I wish they had those in Canada…]

Favourite place in the country?: Okinawa. [I gotta go there someday!]

What countries do you want to go abroad?: Italy. [He recently said he wants to go to Italy for gelato and to be honest, I relate. Europe has good chocolate and cheese from what I hear.]

What are the challenges to your trip destinations like?: Pickpockets like to snatch! [He better watch out for those vans that say “Free Candy!” They might be meant for kids, but he might just stumble in.]

Are you nervous in public?: Recently it’s been okay; still nervous during events. [I’m always nervous in public. I would like to attend an event by the end of my life though.]

What would you tell your past-self (10 years ago)?: “Don’t give up and eat your dinner properly!” [I tell that to myself now XD If I were to send a message to myself, it would be something along the lines of, “What you feel, what you think, and what you believe is important. Listen to yourself. At the end of the day, you will figure out what to do. Don’t be afraid of being alone, and don’t be afraid to wander. Loosen up.”]

What would you message to your future-self (10 years from now)?: “The you in his twenties is having lots of fun. Are you having fun?” [Message for me ten years from now: PLEASE TELL ME YOU AREN’T AS DEEP INTO VOICE ACTORS AND ANIMATION. I BEG YOU, GET A LIFE.]

If the world was going to perish in 24 hours, what would you do? Gather all my friends and family, and have a BBQ party. [I would just write something in case it resurfaces. I would want to write my thoughts, opinions, and experiences along with the people around me.]  

Where do you want to work?: A place where I could grow. [Same!]

What are your thoughts when you look back at 2010? I issued a sex appeal to play [Usui], and worked hard to reach the targets! [From the amount of screaming fangirls, I think you did just fine.]

What is your current aim?: To be more playful and get more out of acting.

Finally, a message to the world: I’ll work hard from now on to make a voice that everyone will not have a hard time to listen to. Thank you for your support! [Thank you Nobu! You inspire a lot of people (including me) everyday!]

Additional Facts! [SOURCES WILL BE LISTED BELOW!]

He likes watching horror movies (especially with his friends Ryouhei Kimura, Kouki Uchiyama, and Yoshimasa Hosoya. Kouki is a scaredy-cat.) When watching a horror movie, he experienced scary unknown noises and used salt to ward away ghosts.

His birthdate is October 24, 1986

He is 168cm tall

He is affiliated with the agency Pro-Fit

He won: - Best New Actor Award at the Third Seiyu Awards for his roles as  Shin Kanzato in Persona: Trinity Soul, Ryuji Kuhoin in Kurenai, and Accelerator in Toaru Majutsu no Index (along with Yuuki Kaji!) - Best Supporting Actor Award at the Fifth Seiyu Awards for his roles as  Takumi Usui in Kaichou wa Maid-Sama, Eiji Niizuma in Bakuman, and Accelerator in Toaru Majutsu no Index II

He loves sweets... a lot: - He’s a qualified patisserie - Where his love of sweets came from [I can also say that is a good portion of his blog]

He tried to be rebellious as a kid but got “clobbered” by his mom.

He would purposefully wear long-sleeves while in the hot recording room for “My Hero Academia” so that he would be agitated enough to play Kacchan!

He adds chocolate to his curry sometimes

He gave Ayane Sakura the nickname “Ayaneru”

He often celebrates fictional characters’ birthdays on his blog for series that he’s involved with!

He was once told to give up on being a voice actor!

Thank you for not giving up Nobu!

Music:

月刊少女野崎君-俺の手でSPARKING!! 御子柴實琴(CV:岡本信彦) - Gekkan Shoujo Nozaki-kun: Mikorin Character Song

Kamisama Hajimemashita: Mizuki Character Song

Welcome to the Ballroom: Kiyoharu Hyoudou Character Song

『 サクラメント』By Okamoto Nobuhiko Ending for Vatican Miracle Examiner

Promise - Kaichou wa Maid-sama: Takumi Usui Character Song

Restoration to 0 - Code:Breaker: Rei Ogami Character Song

Tiger and Bunny: Character Song

スタミュ Starmyu S2 Shadow & Lights 「沈黙のディアローグ」Ver. Tatsumi Rui

Blue Flame - Prince of Stride: Takeru Fujiwara Character Song

99.9% Noisy - To Aru Majutsu no Index: Accelerator character song

Oikaze ni Tsugu - Diamond no Ace: Kominato Ryosuke

Trailblazer - Ao no Exorcist

Kimi wa Hitori Janai

List of Links (Sources and other cool stuff!):

Some of the links were included in the actual facts themselves! If a source and other stuff is missing, they’re included above!

Voice Compilations:

25 Anime Characters That Share The Same Voice Actor as Boku no Hero Academia's Bakugou Katsuki

Voice Compilation [ 1 ], [ 2 ] 

Wikipedia:

Nobuhiko Okamoto

3rd Seiyuu Awards

5th Seiyuu Awards

Haikyuu Stuff:

Haikyuu Awards Basically, they got the fans to nominate for awards like “Who’s the best dressed?” Then the cast got to comment (and maybe get praised by the two female cast members)

“Imagination Game” - Seiyuu Event Long story short: to win a pair of Karasuno boxers, the voice actors must answer all the same character when asked something like, “Out of the Karasuno team, who’s the most likely to [blank]”

Cast Pictures

Drama CD: Why Noya isn’t popular with women (This one is because I fricking relate because I’m too short for this tall world)

“Who’s Best Girl?” - Cast Comments + Nobuhiko’s comments [video with cc]

Nobuhiko Okamoto & Yuuki Kaji being bros [ 1 ], [ 2 ], [ 3 ], [ 4 ], [That time they challenged a Guinness World record], [Nobuhiko’s message for Yuuki Kaji’s 30th birthday]

Nobuhiko’s athletic ability

Kouki Uchiyama, Daiki Yamashita, Nobuhiko Okamoto: [Comic] BNHA Cast Comments

Daiki lending Nobuhiko his jacket (this can potentially fuel Bakudeku fanfics. I can feel it.)

Nishinoya and Bakugou at Jump Festa

[emma-christine-spoole]

My Muse Does the Vanity Fair Interview

https://www.vanityfair.com/magazine/2000/01/proust-questionnaire

Tagging: @normalouisebatesrp @itsnormanbates @leather-lover-massett @xeffie-thredsonx @maggiexesmerelda @tillhumanvxices  @foxbelieve @danascullyeffect @costaricaaguitars @theirlament

and anyone else who wants to. (repost, don’t reblog)

1. What is your idea of perfect happiness?

Wow, we’re jumping right into the deep philosophical questions, huh? I don’t know if it’s possible to have completely flawless, perfect happiness in this life. The world has too many flaws and too many people with high capacity for senseless evil. I think the closest we can get to perfect happiness in this life is having strong bonds with those you love, the kind that will give you the strength to face down that evil when you have to face it.

2. What is your greatest fear?

I try to stay out of political discussions and keep my views to myself most of the time. I’ve just found it’s the smartest thing to do, having spent so many years living in the nation’s capital and considering where I was working. But here’s an exception. My greatest fear currently is that we’re sliding toward a Gilead-like nightmare, slowly like a frog in a pot, so we aren’t going to notice until we’re being boiled alive. Scared that women are going to be stripped of all the progress made over the last half-century, including rights my mother and her mother demonstrated in the streets for. But then I look at my daughter @xeffie-thredsonx and know that’s not going to happen without a hell of a fight from the next generation.

3. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

I can have a streak of hypocrisy, unfortunately. I can condemn and punish others for the same perceived wrongdoings I’ve been guilty of myself. I do that by rationalizing, believing my reasons are justified and even noble when theirs aren’t, that I’m bending or even breaking the law to protect those I love or to bring down those who otherwise would’ve gotten away.

4. What is the trait you most deplore in others?

Cowardice. It’s so often an underlying root issue of criminal behavior. I deal primarily with criminals who keep other humans as slaves to be sold. They put on such an act they’re such big, tough dangerous guys. But they’re really cowards; it’s obvious once you know how to scratch the psychological surface. Also cowards are the violence-fetishists who hide behind their keyboards and post death-bounties on my head on 4Chan. Pffft. Whatever. That’s been going on for years. Nothing new at all.

5. Which living person do you most admire?

Captain Tammy Duckworth, U.S. Army. She piloted a Black Hawk helicopter with both her legs and part of one arm blown off after it was shot down by a grenade missile in Iraq. Still landed it and the rest of her crew to safety. I met her once when she was campaigning for the Senate, and she’s an amazing person. That’s a true warrior and American hero. People overcome once-fatal childhood diseases every day now. That’s not a warrior. That’s called advances in modern medicine.

6. What is your greatest extravagance?

My white Mustang convertible. I love that car like no other. I bought it when I still living in D.C. and there was no need to drive, but so what? I got it anyway. In Oregon, there’s nothing comparable to driving along the coastal highway with the top down on a rain-free day!

7. What is your current state of mind?

Guess you could say I’m pretty introspective because of these questions. I’m also curious and a little bit apprehensive how this interview is going to be received once it hits the news stands. I know we talked about me being known in some circles as “The Sex Trade’s Most Hated Woman,” but I’d really NOT like that moniker splashed all over the cover, if you possibly have any control over it.

8. What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

Conformity to “traditions.” I have no patience with people who feel it’s best to be conservative, unremarkable, ordinary, to blend in and to blindly follow the life-script that gets pushed on all of us. To me, that’s consigning yourself to a lifetime of mediocrity and dead dreams.

9. On what occasion do you lie?

I lie when I have to protect my birth family, and that’s not the only thing I’ll do to keep them out of harm’s way. We’re not the typical close-knit family. We even have a dangerous side we show to those we perceive as threats. Spend some time in White Pine Bay, and you’ll soon hear all sorts of whispered rumors about us. And whispered warnings to stay off our bad side. Some of those people even act like we’re the Mafia or something! We might not have quite that much pull, but any of us will lie, defend ourselves, and more, when it comes to protecting our own.

10. What do you most dislike about your appearance?

Nothing, to be honest. I’ve always thought I look pretty damn good. If I had to pick one thing, I might’ve liked to share my sister’s bigger breasts. But trust me: they look best on her.

11. Which living person do you most despise?

It’s almost a tie between Ellen Sanders and Alex Romero. The former: Nearly assassinating the President while taking away another woman’s husband is one thing, BUT the latter: taking emotional and sexual advantage of my sister and trying to have my nephew locked up in an institution for no valid reason: NOW it gets personal.  

12. What is the quality you most like in a man?

Knows how to treat a lady. Ripped. Obedient. Has Mommy issues.

13. What is the quality you most like in a woman?

Sweetness. A great body. Willingness to give me complete control. Not only willing, but eager.

14. Which words or phrases do you most overuse?

“‘Fuck.’ It’s such a blunt, to-the-point, attention-grabbing word in one syllable. Used the right way, it can express anything. Anger, excitement...climax...

15. What or who is the greatest love of your life?

At one time, I didn’t believe having one “great love of your life” existed in reality. That was before I met my sister’s oldest son @leather-lover-massett. My sister’s his mother and my brother’s his father, so the only thing I’ve heard is accurate to call us is “aunt and nephew twice over.” DNA-wise, we’re closer to being mother and son than regular aunt & nephew. We were strongly, inexplicably drawn to each other from the minute we met, and over the course of one evening, we felt like we’d known each other our whole lives. Before anyone gets up in arms over the taboo of it: Genetic sexual attraction is real and happens 50% of the time in cases like mine. I didn’t believe in it either, until that indescribably intense love - and yes: lust - hit me like a ton of bricks. We’re two consenting adults, we’re hurting absolutely no one, and that’s the end of that discussion far as I’m concerned.

16. When and where were you happiest?

Cliche’ as it might sound: when I was an undergrad at Ohio State. I’d wanted to go there since I was 11 or 12 and watching the Buckeyes basketball games with my dad. I was a two-hour bus ride away from my parents, away from home for the first time; everything was so full of possibility. No one’s college experience is perfect. I would of course face challenges and pitfalls, but there were plenty of good times too. I haven’t been as completely, enthusiastically optimistic since.

17. Which talent would you most like to have?

It would have been cool to be able to learn an instrument. I suffered through piano and clarinet lessons before I started middle school, and I was terrible. It sounded like throwing metal trash cans down a flight of stairs, and I feel sorry for our neighbors back then. Tried some of my bandmates’ guitars when I was older, and I wasn’t much better. I can hear all the rhythms, timing, and such when I sing, but instruments: something just never computed.

18. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

It’s all in the past now, but I would’ve changed the amount of courage I needed to first contact my birth family. I needed a lot more of it, which is why it took me so long. A lot of years were lost, and it would’ve been so different if we’d met earlier. I never got to meet my birth parents, and in a weird way I have some deep-down gratitude towards them, for putting me up for adoption. But then I start to feel guilty about that when I think of Norma and Caleb left behind with them, and the hell they were put through.

19. What do you consider your greatest achievement?

I don’t think about it much, and sometimes I lose sight of it, but yeah it’s achieving the rank of Special Agent. The exams and PT for it are quite challenging, and it can be very taxing mentally, physically, emotionally, every which way. Only 5-10% of field agents make it every year. Sadly, that percentage of women is even smaller. I’ve love to see that number start climbing within my lifetime.

20. If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be?

I haven’t thought about that one! If I got to come back as a whole new person and got to do it all over again, I’d want to come back as the rock star who makes it big this time. Recording contracts, sold-out arenas, the whole nine yards. No law enforcement career this time, in this next life.

21. Where would you most like to live?

I’d love to have a private island off the coast of Oregon and Washington State, and have a big fancy cabin built there for Dylan and myself. Since I spent time with my bio family, I’ve also fallen in love with this beautiful area of the country. Our island would have a causeway bridge and of course gorgeous views of the ocean and forests. Definitely with enough space and privacy for all of us in the family.

22. What is your most treasured possession?

My riverfront house I ended up buying, in northern Portland. Not that I don’t miss downtown Bethesda and all the urban excitement of D.C., sometimes. It was a big change, but I felt like I was home. On a deep level I’d never felt before. I can’t see myself living anywhere else, even after not this long a time. Now, if I could only get the city to sign off on the building permit for a hot tub on the back deck, that’d be great.

23. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

That’s a tough one to talk about. I’d say it’s the feeling of being alone after a traumatic loss. A sudden loss of someone or something who’d meant the world to you, and you couldn’t have guessed it was coming. People can say they sympathize and understand how you feel, but they don’t. Not really. Not unless they’ve lived through the same kind of loss.  

24. What is your favorite occupation?

Ask me that a few years ago, and I would’ve said “Mine is! Working for the FBI, of course!” But lately I have low-key thought about what other career I would’ve pursued given the desire and the circumstances. The first one I came up with: I would’ve gotten my Krav Maga instructor certification and opened my own KM studio. It would be in White Pine Bay, because god knows women there especially need to learn self-defense. Then maybe I’d open another one in Portland, and after that: who knows? Another, very fleeting career thought: If I’d really pursued it seriously when I was younger, I might have ended up singing in a band that made it big, or *laughs* otherwise ended up in show business. But it wasn’t the path meant for me, in reality. 

25. What is your most marked characteristic?

I’ve always been told I pull the energy right to me once I walk into a room. Most people already there, their attention gets drawn to me even when they’re doing something else. I suppose that’s defined as magnetism. Others’ attention gets me energized and even more confident, though I’ve also been accused of arrogance. It’s something I’ve honed for years: the need to mentally and emotionally grab people and shut down any flickers of doubts they may have about me, my leadership, and my convictions that my course of action is the right one.

26. What do you most value in your friends?

I don’t have many female friends, except my sister and a few from the Academy or college that I keep in touch with on Facebook. It’s not that easy to make friends with most other women because we end up having nothing in common, and of course I’m guarded about my family. If I did have them, I’d value a lack of jealousy or toxic emotional fuckery that’s so prevalent among adult women who never matured past high school age. When it comes to finding a beautiful fuck-buddy, I don’t have nearly as much trouble ;)

27. Who are your favorite writers?

Anyone who has written a good autobiography or memoir. I love following other people’s journeys and experiences through this crazy life with all its highs and lows. They can be famous or not; it doesn’t matter to me. Everyone’s life is a story to tell. Some of my favorites: I’ll read anything by Haven Kimmel, most of Stacy Layne Wilson’s books, and similar. I’m currently reading “The Woman Who Smashed Codes” by Jason Fagone.

28. Who is your hero of fiction?

Most of what I read is non-fiction, like I said. I think anyone who writes down their life story and all its intricacies is pretty heroic, putting it out there for the world to read. If I had to pick a fictional hero, it would have to be Molly Bolt from Rita Mae Brown’s Rubyfruit Jungle. You don’t have to be gay or even female to love this character. It also brought me a long way in realizing how much my own bisexuality is to be owned and celebrated.

29. Which historical figure do you most identify with?

Gloria Steinem. I consider myself a Steinem-era feminist; I was raised that way and it definitely comes from my mother. I see all the ways feminism has changed over the decades, and it’s funny how some of those beliefs are downright conservative when you compare them to some of what’s considered “feminism” today.

30. Who are your heroes in real life?

I don’t truly have a lot of hero-worship for much of anyone. It goes back to my being a supposed egomaniac, which I still think is an exaggeration. Like a lot of kids, especially cops’ kids, my dad was one of my heroes when I was that young. Until I grew up some, then learned he (and any law enforcement officers) isn’t all-powerful against the evil in this world.  

31. What are your favorite names?

Those of us three Calhoun siblings: Emma, Caleb, and Norma. They sound rhythmic together. Even though I take serious issue with what my brother did to my sister, we are still bound by blood and that’ll never change. Caleb and I have a rocky relationship, and I would slap handcuffs on him in a second if he ever tried to hurt her again. But he’s still my brother too. Part of me will always believe there should’ve been three of us growing up together. I still wonder how different our lives would’ve turned out if we had.

32. What is it that you most dislike?

People who exploit and harm those who can’t defend themselves. They don’t even have to technically break the law, although most I’ve encountered do just that, over and over. There are too damn many of them in the world.

33. What is your greatest regret?

Shit, I was hoping I wouldn’t have to talk about this. *deep breath* My greatest regret is losing someone I loved deeply and highly valued as a colleague. He was married and a father of two, and I had no business falling for him. Of course that does nothing to stop it, ever. Neither of us could control falling in love. It’s taken me years to accept and believe David’s murder wasn’t my fault, that there was absolutely nothing I could’ve done to stop it. I’m just now coming to accept that what happened to him after he died isn’t my fault either.

34. How would you like to die?

In the words of John Lennon, “I’ll probably get popped off by some loony.” Haha! I kid! Ideally, I’d like to die naturally as an old lady, surrounded by loved ones. I don’t think the odds are much in my favor for that, but we can only wait and see...

35. What is your motto?

If you’re physically and mentally able to do something to make things better and punish the deserving, then you no longer have the luxury of shirking that responsibility.

Also:

“Do what you feel in your heart to be right--for you’ll be criticized anyway. You’ll be damned if you do and damned if you don’t.” --Eleanor Roosevelt

[mind-body-and-spirit]

I’m bored ignore me

Describe your current mood/feelings

I feel awful. I’m so unhappy in my current situation and I got a glimpse of what it’s like to be outside of it and I can’t wait to make that happen.

Which is your favourite country that you’ve been to?

Ireland probably.

What are the first things you notice when you look at/meet someone?

Smile and usually eyes but I haven't been great at that lately.

Have you ever been in love/are you in love currently?

I have been in love, I’m not currently.

Are you currently in a relationship?

I am not. 

Would you ever date someone online?

I’d date someone that I met online but not someone I couldn't be with in person.

Is there anyone of your friends that you would ever consider having sex with?

Yes.

Sex in the morning, afternoon or night?

Night is more my thing.

What side of the bed do you sleep on?

Left.

Have you ever taken your clothes off for money?

LOL no.

Would you choose love or money?

Right now, money probably except for one person that I would choose over that. 

When did you lose your virginity?

When I was 18.

 Do you prefer men or women?

Men usually but gender really doesn't matter to me. I’m attracted to personalities.

Do you have a sex playlist?

No but I’ve heard someone else’s and I am totally into it.

When was the last time you had sex?

Saturday 🙊

Has anyone ever gone beyond your personal line of respect sexually?

Yes.

Where is the most romantic place you would want to have sex?

When I picture romantic sex it’s usually in a bed, sooooo.

Where is the weirdest place you would want to have sex?

Balcony.

What would you do if you were ever caught having sex?

Depends who caught us.

Would you ever go to a bar just to get sex?

I’d go to a bar to flirt.

Has anyone ever tried to pick you up in a bar?

Yes.

Would you have sex in a movie theater?

YES that’s so risky I dig it.

Would you have sex outside?

I would as long as its not dirty.

Would you have sex in a bathroom?

Probably.

Does anyone have naughty pics of you or are you on film?

There’s pics of me out there.

Have you ever had sex with someone and called them the wrong name?

Not physically said it but I have thought of someone else and almost said it.

Would you ever use ‘toys’ in bed?

I would.

What would you do if your partner suggest a threesome?

I’m down.

How many people have you slept with?

5.

(1/2) If your lover/crush were in your bed right now, what would you do?

Sex probably.

(2/2) Then?

CUDDLE he’s great at that and probably talk a lot. 

What are your favorite bands? 

Set it off, Beartooth, Grayscale, As it Is, Mayday Parade.

What are your favorite singers? 

Barret Wilbert Weed, Taylor Louderman, Carrie Hope Fletcher, I’m obsessed with the Broadway stars right now.

What are your favorite albums? 

I’m LOVING the Mean Girls Cast Recording right now, also Dear Evan Hansen and Heathers. Only Human by Calum Scott is pretty good, and The Greatest Showman.

What are your favorite songs? 

Would You Be So Kind - dodie

Someone Gets Hurt, Revenge Party, World Burn, I’d Rather Be Me, and Apex Predator all from Mean Girls

Requiem, Waving Through a Window,and You Will Be Found all from DEH

And I’m gonna stop now because this list could go on forever.

What is the best concert you’ve ever been to? 

Oh gosh. Can I cheat and say Warped?

How did you first find out about your favorite band/singer?

Okay top two: I found SIO by accident at the mall in Hot Topic in 2009. Loved them ever since. And I found Barrett through Heathers.

If someone asks you what music they should check out, what are your go-to recommendations? 

Usually SIO unless were talking about musicals.

What was your first concert? if you haven’t been to one, what do you want your first concert to be? 

Omg Hilary Duff when I was like 8 probably.

How do live performances, whether they’re from your friends or professionals, tend to make you feel? 

SO HAPPY

Singing in the shower or singing in the car?  

Both but I sing in the car more. I only sing in the shower when I’m home alone, but I love that more cause acoustics and the steam is good for the voice.

If you could pick one instrument to learn how to play, what would it be? 

Trumpet!

What is your singing voice like? what singers do you remind yourself of? 

I’m a mezzo/alto. I try my hardest to be like Barrett tbh.

Have you ever been involved in any music programs? which ones and for how long?

Uh yeah like all through high school and college.

Which instruments do you know how to play? what’s your skill level? 

Flute/picc - advanced but I’m probably a bit rusty since I haven’t practiced in a while.

Piano, guitar, and ukulele - self taught/beginner

How do you feel about video game soundtracks? 

I like them if they’re super dark/edgy cause it’s fun to dance to.

What soundtracks do you enjoy listening to the most? 

Mean Girls, Heathers, DEH, Man of La Mancha, basically any musical.

How do you feel about musicals?

You’ve probably figured this out already but I live for them.

What are some songs whose lyrics you relate to? 

Would You Be So Kind - dodie

Are You There? - Bare (taken out of context, of course)

parts of Beautiful - Heathers

Breathe In Breathe Out - Tich

I’d Rather Be Me - Mean Girls

Someday - Zombies (taken out of context)

Do you prefer songs that have good melodies or songs that have good lyrics? 

BOTH. I usually really like songs that feel good to sing (good melodies) but I will download and listen to a song just for the lyrics.

Look at your country’s song charts, listen to the first unfamiliar song you can find, and share your opinion on it.

Billboard Top 100 said Psycho - Post Malone. And I hated it. 

Any cover versions that you think are better than the original? 

Chandelier - PVRIS from Punk Goes Pop

Uptown Funk - Against The Current & SIO

How often do you listen to music? 

Literally every day.

How do you feel about classical music? 

I love it.

Would you ever want to have a career in music? 

I think it would be fun but like realistically probably not.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how important is music to you? 

16.5 I couldn’t live without it.

How do you feel about rap music? 

Not a fan.

How has music affected you as a person?

It’s been my life since like 6th grade so it pretty much made me who I am.

What songs do you listen to when you’re sad?

I just listen to Mean Girls all the time

But sometimes Bare bc sad

What songs do you listen to when you’re in a great mood? 

Still Mean Girls.

What songs do you listen to when you’re getting ready for sports/to work out?

Anything from Mean Girls (do you see a trend here?)

What is your favorite movie?

The Kissing Booth was good, The Greatest Showman, I mostly listen to music.

What are you currently watching on Netflix/Hulu?

Skins UK (for the second time)

What shows have you finished?

13 Reasons Why, Grey’s, The Fosters, Misfits, Skins UK, Dance Academy, Degrassi, Backstage

Do you binge watch shows on Netflix or Hulu?

Netflix if I can find a good one. Hulu is for episodes that I missed when they aired.

What colour palette are you most drawn to?

Cool tones. Blues, purples, silver, but also rose gold.

What other country would you move to if you could?

Ireland or England

Which accent do you find most attractive?

IRISH

Would you rather be able to shapeshift or teleport?

Teleporting would solve a lot of my problems.

Would you do a destination wedding? where at?

Does Disney World count?

Dream honeymoon?

....Disney World.

Which celebrity’s voice do you wish you had? 

BARRETT

Would you rather live on a beach, mountaintop, on a farm, in the city, or in the forest?

The middle of a big city.

Do you still want to be what you dreamed of as a kid?

No I wanted to be a marine biologist and work at Sea World.

Would you rather live in a functional tree house, a rustic but renovated barn, and old stone cottage, a tiny house, an antique victorian character home, or an artistic cob home?

Antique victorian character home with an updated interior that's modern but still preserves the charm.

What do you want your life to look like in 1 year?

Living in a big city (preferably Baltimore or DC) and having a real job.

4 favourite youtubers?

I've really been into Shane Dawson and the squad lately. Also Soph (Sophdoesnails), Shelby’s DCP vlogs, and Sophie Lousie

What would your absolute dream partner look like?

Goofy smile, bright eyes (not necessarily in color, but like they light up when they’re excited and have life to them), taller than me, got meat on his bones

What would your absolute dream partner be like?

Sweet, an absolute nerd, adorable, knows how to charm the heck out of me, ambitious (I’m describing someone if you haven't caught on yet)

7 names that you really love?

James, Amelia, Sophie, Noah, Riley, Madison/Maddie, Samuel

Do you like your name? what would you change it to if you could?

No I hate it, I’d change it to Elizabeth which is my middle name. 

What is your biggest but most impossible-seeming dream in life?

Living in the middle of NYC

Do you collect anything? why’d you start?

Tsum Tsums because they’re cute af and I can’t resist, and I really want to start collecting pins.

When you’re hanging out in your room, do you usually sit on the bed, a chair, the floor, or somewhere else?

Bed.

How many pillows are on your bed?

6 because I bought all of the pillows for the apartment aside from the two he brought and I took them when I left.

Do you share a room with anybody? Have you ever (as in long term, not a sleep over)?

I don’t currently, but I shared with Lexi when were little, I had roommates for 3/4 years of college, and I shared with Nick in our apartment until the end.

Are there any posters or artwork on your walls? What are they?

I have an SIO poster, a One Direction poster, posters of the 5SOS boys, and a Callahan family crest from Ireland. (I really need to redecorate).

Where do you keep your clothes?

Dresser and closet (and the laundry basket of unfolded clothes that never seems to get emptied)

What color are your walls?

Purple.

Is your mattress on a frame or the floor?

On a frame.

What position do you sleep in?

On my side usually but I can sleep in all positions really.

What’s your favorite part of your room?

My bed.

What’s your least favorite part of your room?

It’s a god damn mess right now and that it heats up with the morning sun so it’s always hot.

How many hours a day on average do you spend in your room?

LOL way too many.

Have you ever been told that you spend too much time in your room/never go outside/live in your room/etc?

Yeah all the time.

Is there a desk in your room? Do you actually use it for homework?

There is and no I literally don’t but I should.

Is there a tv in your room?

Yes there’s a TV in my room.

If your bedroom could look any way you want, forgetting cost and practicality, what would it look like?

Clean and Tumblr-y

Do you put stuff under your bed?

I don’t try to but stuff ends up under there.

If you play an instrument, do you practice in your room or somewhere else?

When I was in college I rarely practiced in my room. If I do practice now (rarely) I do it in the living room.

Do you charge your phone next to your bed?

On my bed.

How many windows are in your room?

Just 1. 

Do you have a private/connected bathroom?

No I wish.

Do you keep makeup, jewelry, lotion, perfume/cologne, and hair stuff in your room or the bathroom?

It’s in my room. I keep it all in the Alex 5 drawers from IKEA.

What is your dream job?

HR but I’ve also been super interested in marketing lately? Also interior design or wedding planner.

What’s your favorite sport to watch on TV?

Baseball but also hockey? I’ve never been a hockey fan until I started watching the Preds in the playoffs this year and I’m totally into it now.

Who is your favorite athlete?

Nick Castellanos 😍

Have you ever been in love?

I have.

Do you currently love someone?

It’s unrequited and complicated so I just say no usually.

Do you want a relationship?

Not right now. In the future, yes.

How long was your longest relationship?

Over 2 years.

How long does it take for you to know you love someone?

Not long.

Is it special to you if your s/o meets your parents?

Depends on the situation. Like for my exes it wasn’t but if I started dating someone in Tennessee it would be different cause my parents live 500+ miles away.

Do you watch Game of Thrones?

I’ve watched parts of it.

Have you ever been to Michigan?

Lived here for most of the 22 years I’ve been alive.

Have you ever went on a road trip with a boyfriend?

Nick and I drove back to Michigan once but we were mad at each other the whole time so there's that.

Do you support abortion?

I have no say over what someone else does with their body.

Are you an extrovert or an introvert?

Introvert hardore.

Glitter or feathers?

GLITTER

Daisies or buttercups?

Daisies

Have you ever self harmed?

Yes.

Are you more rational or emotional?

Emotional lmao.

What’s something you love to do but feel guilty about after/during?

Inevitably someone makes me feel bad every time I have sex with someone I’m not dating. 

Have you ever had sex with someone you weren’t dating (but had feelings for) in the hopes that they would ask you out later?

Lol, not for that reason, although I would love it if he did ask me out.

Do you ever turn your phone off because you don’t want to talk?

The only time I ever did that was after Ashlyn died because I was mad at Nick because he wouldn’t stop playing video games with his friends to come over.

Have you ever been to a gay pride parade?

Not a parade but I went to the pride festival in DC this past weekend.

Would you take your dream job if it were out of the country?

More than likely. I’m in a position where I could right now.

What is your zodiac sign?

Libra

What do you like to do when you’re home alone?

Sing very loudly.

Should the guy always pay for the date?

No. I’m hella independent and most of the time I hate when other people pay for shit.

What kind of music calms you down?

Most music calms me down.

Who did you last go to a park with?

I went walking on a path/river thing with sunshine this past weekend. It’s not really a park but like idk?

Have you ever been robbed?

My iPod got stolen when I was like 12.

When was the last time you were on an airplane?

Last week.

Are you currently crushing on someone? 

Yeah.

Do you think your crush likes you back?

I actually don’t know how he feels? I know he liked me at one time and then a thing happened and we accepted that we couldn’t actually be together but then we were together and it felt really right and I don’t know how he feels now.

Is anyone currently crushing on you?

Other than him probably not.

Have you ever been in a long term relationship? 

Yes two.

Have you ever been asked out? 

Yes.

Have you ever asked someone out? 

I've pushed someone to ask me out but that’s the closest.

Have you ever kissed your crush? 

Yes.

Has your crush ever kissed you? 

Yes. 

Are you more of a flirt or a hopeless romantic? 

Both

Do you have a crush on the person you last kissed?

Yes.

Have you ever confessed your feelings knowing they were unrequited? 

Lol story of my life.

If the person you like/love was with you right now, what would you say/do?

Um we would probably be cuddling and talking or kissing honestly. 

Have you ever broken up with someone? 

Yes.

Have you ever been broken up with? 

Not officially. Only for a break and then he begged for me to take him back.

Do you like cuddling? 

I LOVE IT

Have you ever had romantic feelings for a best friend?

That’s usually how it works for me.

Tell me about your crush:

Hair color? 

Brown

Eye color? 

Brown or green(? I’m pretty sure they’re brown and I suck I know)

Age?

We’re the same age but he will not tell me his birthday so

Build? 

He’s a little bit taller than me, he’s not scrawny but he’s not big either, like the perfect dad bod.

Clothing style? 

He barely has any clothes. He wears like jeans and t shirts and shorts he can find on sale basically. 

Stereotype? 

He's a TOTAL nerd and I’m so into it.

Hobbies? 

Computer stuff. He likes techy stuff and board games.

Are they your type? 

I don’t really have a type. He's got a killer personality and he’s SO sweet and charming and that’s what gets me. 

When did you started liking them? 

Like January I think?

Do you talk to him/her everyday? 

Not everyday.

Do you talk about them to your friends? 

Yes Colby lets me talk about him all the time.

Do you like hearing their voice? 

Yeah, it’s nice.

Do you like receiving text messages from them?

Um, yeah? That seems like a weird question.

Do you like their laugh/giggles? 

His laugh is adorable. 

When you see them, are you shy? 

NO he makes me feel so comfortable. I’ve never felt so comfortable around someone I wasn’t dating.

One day will you be with him/her?

Honestly, probably not but maybe?

Do you get jealous when he/she talks to the opposite sex? 

No. This is weird, but we actually encourage each other to get out there and be with other people since we really can’t have each other and we’ve accepted that.

Will you wait for him/her, to be yours?

I honestly don't want anything right now, so I’m willing to wait for now. Once I’m settled and know what I want in life I’ll move on if were still not together. 

Are they more shy or outgoing?  

He's outgoing

Y'all have the same group of friends?

No 

Does your crush smell nice?  

I mean, yeah. He doesn’t wear cologne or body spray or anything but his normal human smell was nice?

Does your crush have a nice smile?

That goofy smile tho (yes).

Are they kind to you?  

Yes he is SO sweet it hurts.

Are y'all considered friends or acquaintances?  

We’re friends. 

When’s the last time you saw them?

Saturday.

Do you have their phone number?  

Yeah but we usually talk through snapchat.

Is your crush talkative or more of a listener?

He's a talker but he’s a good listener too.   

Can they speak more than one language?  

90% sure he can speak at least some German. 

Where did y'all meet?  

Work.

Do they live close to you?  

No. He's literally over 500 miles away.

Have you ever been to their house? How about their bedroom?

Yes and yes.

Do you even vaguely believe your crush is interested in you? 

I answered this earlier. It’s complicated.  

If given the chance, would you have sex with them?

Yes.

Have you ever hugged or kissed your crush?  

Yes.

Ever seen em naked? Do you wanna?  

I have, and I wouldn’t say no to doing it again.

Does your crush have long hair?  

No it’s super short.

Do you think you’ll lose contact with your crush within 5 years?

I hope not but maybe.

Is your crush more naughty or good/innocent?  

He can be both.

Is your crush gay/straight/bisexual/transgender?  

When I asked him he said “bi-ish” so 

Is your crush a freak? Sexually speaking…

I’d call it adventurous and experienced.

Is your crush a virgin?  

No.

Do they have any pets?

No. 

Do they have a job? If so, where do they work?

Yes he has a job at a company which I’m not going to name. 

Do you know if they have an STD or not?

If he does he hasn’t told me, and it’s kind of common courtesy to tell someone you have an STD if you sleep with them sooooo   

What kind of music are they into?  

Um, rock probably? He also likes musicals so there’s that. 

Their fave color? If you don’t know just guess

His favorite color is blue (even though he’s blue/green colorblind). 

How long have you known em?  

Less than a year.

Their fave type of food? Guess if you don’t know

I don’t know but probably like burgers cause he tried to take me to a bar for food. 

When will you see your crush again?

Quite possibly never which is literally awful to think about. Hopefully sometime in the future.

Is your crush extremely confident?

He’s pretty confident.

What’s ultimately stopping you from making them yours?

Distance.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #342

“in this farewell, there’s no blood, there’s no alibi  /  ‘cuz i’ve drawn regret from the truth of a thousand lies”

What’s your all-time favourite cartoon? Does anime count? In which case I'd say Fullmetal Alchemist, or the original Pokemon. If we're not including anime, then uhhhh Avatar: The Last Airbender, even though I have much more to go in the series. Have you ever taken dance lessons? What kind? Yeah, I've done a few for many years: jazz, clogging, modern, and hip hop. When did you last run and why? I literally couldn't tell you. I don't even know if I can run with the current state of my legs. My knees would probably crumple. Does your house/flat/whatever the hell you live in need cleaning? Not necessarily cleaning, but sorting. I still have boxes outside and inside my room of my stuff I need to put up somewhere... but whenever I prepare to do it, I just get so overwhelmed and shy away from it. Then there's the spare room, that's a total mess loaded with boxes and the like. Mom and I have just avoided it like the plague. Was your last relationship with a man or a woman? Woman. What do you think your next achievement will be? HOPEFULLY getting a job... Do you like mushrooms? NOOOOOOO. What dream do you remember most vividly? I'm not talking about it. Favorite kind of bread? Pumpernickel. Rabbits or hamsters? Rabbits. I've never met a nice hamster, and I just think rabbits are cuter. A movie you’ve never seen that it seems like every one else has? Harry Potter films. Favorite dog breed? I'm biased towards beagles. When was the last time you climbed a tree? Never, actually. Where I live, there aren't really many weighty trees with low branches. Just pine trees. Most common lie you tell? That I'm "fine" when I'm not. Ever seen your parents make out? Jc no, I'll take a hard pass there. Do you put your hair up a lot or down? It's too short to put up. Most of the time do you straighten or curl your hair? Neither. What piercing do you hate? I'm not a fan of cheek dermals at all, but you do you 100%. Were you raised in a religious house? Yes; I was raised Roman Catholic. Do your parents get mad when you're on the computer for hours? Mom used to for many years until I became an adult and she just realized it was in vain. I haven't lived with Dad since I was a teenager, but when my parents were together, he usually didn't say anything. Have you ever been asked for a nude picture? No, thankfully. I'd stop talking to the person immediately. What would you do if your parent hit you? I honestly feel like I'd slap them back and get the fuck out. Or just freeze in shock and cry. What's your most common mood? Stressed but distracted. Do you like poems? Yeah, usually. Ever kissed someone half-naked? Uh yeah. Have you ever been in a parade? No. Do you still play Pokémon? I play Pokemon GO, and I've actually been tempted to get out my DS and play one of the games I have (I can't remember which). I do find Pokemon games to be VERY grind-ey, though, so I can't play them for too long without getting bored. What is your favorite Pokémon? Ninetales. I also really love Espeon, though, and Charmander will always have my heart. Is there an animal you like that most people don't? Bats! :') Is there an animal that you think is overrated in terms of how it's liked? No animal is overrated. Have you ever "quit" a site and came back to it more than once? Uhhhh I don't think so. Do you have an "odd" fascination with anything? Most would probably consider "vulture culture" to be pretty weird, being drawn to dead animals and all... What's the hardest thing you've been through, & what did you learn from it? The breakup with Jason. I learned that some people make promises they aren't afraid to break, that someone can promise "forever" and not mean it, that the most unexpected can just snap their fingers and forget about you... I learned a lot. And most things, not positive. What are three "unrealistic" things you want most? 1.) To be able to financially support myself by just freelance nature photography; 2.) sooo many different kinds of pets; and 3.) to be totally rid of my mental illnesses. Do you take any daily vitamins? No, but I would if I was the one who bought groceries and stuff. I do however take Vitamin D once a week for my legs. Who are three of your favorite fictional characters of all time? JUST THREE??????? FUCK MAN idk. Uhhh well there's of course Darkiplier and Wilford Warfstache, then uhhh probably Pyramid Head. If you had to give the world a pre-existing mythological/fictional being, what would it be? Idk, I'd really need to be more educated on their lore before I made that decision. Do you have any desire to learn (a) foreign language(s)? Which? I both do and don't want to resume learning German. I got very good at it and could have basic conversations, but lack of application has slaughtered my vocabulary. Now it's like, it'd be nice to try again, but for what purpose? I don't think I'll ever actually apply it to my life, so it just seems like it'd be a load of wasted effort. But then on the other hand, I also feel that doing something you simply want to do isn't a waste of time. Idk. What is one of your firmest beliefs? Equality for all. No race, religion, whatthefuckever makes you more or less valuable than someone else. Do you have anything that keeps you from doing something you'd truly enjoy? Oh yes. Depression and anxiety, mostly. Do you work to fix your faults? Or at least, admit to them? I definitely try, and I'll certainly admit to them. How do you hope the world will change, if at all? I just want more compassion, less violence, more understanding... What is/are your view(s) on god, religion, spirituality, or relations to? In short, I believe that something sentient created the universe, and it/they/he/she/what-have-you just... let life play out from there, I think. I like to believe there's a plane of consciousness like an afterlife that exists, but if not, I don't really care. I hope the evil get what was coming to them, and the good get back what they gave, but maybe we're all better off without life after death. We'll all find out one day. Are you arachnophobic or scared of spiders in the least? Some, yes; others, not so much. This is very situational. Do you play WoW? What do you think of it either way? Haha, you're asking an avid player. I enjoy it, but not as much as I used to. At one point I was a Heroic raider, sometimes dabbling in Mythic, but now I'm just mostly a casual mount collector that likes chatting with my guildies and just doing dailies 'n shit. I owe a lot to the game, honestly; it helped me stay occupied throughout the breakup, and still today gives me something to do. What kind of computer do you have? Windows 7/Vista/XP/Other? I have an Acer Nitro with Windows 10. Are you taking any interesting classes in school/do you not attend? I'm no longer in school. If you don't attend, are you taking any "lessons" for anything? No, but I would like to join a photography course somewhere. A book/piece that has had an exceptional impact on your life? Johnny Got His Gun by Dalton Trumbo just made me hate war more than I innately did. What genres of music are your favorite? Just metal as an umbrella term. Some heavy stuff, some less, some in the middle, some leaning towards other genres... but I just like metal. Do you think that fate plays a part in people's lives? No. Wouldn't "fate" just make it all... worthless? Like we're just storybook characters with a predetermined ending? What are your opinions on the media? One word: manipulative. What's a piece of technology you'd like to own? I REALLY want a PS4, especially lately. There's just a lot of games I REALLY want to play. Are you afraid of technology developing to where we're too reliant on it? We're already *too* reliant on it, which I do believe is a bad thing. I know, absolutely hysterical for me to be talking. What's your favorite odd ice cream flavor? I don't think I've ever had a truly odd ice cream flavor. There's this local place though that makes a kind that tastes JUST like s'mores, and I can fucking murder a cup of that. What's your opinion on stereotypes/labels? They're limiting and devalue uniqueness, imo. I know very, very few people who totally fit a certain stereotype, so why even bother. Like I don't care if you use them as adjectives to some extent, just don't put too much weight on them. Just be you. Do you believe that history repeats itself? It's not necessarily doomed to, but it happens sometimes, obviously. Would you rather learn from your mistakes or just undo them? Depends on the mistake. What was the most interesting class you had in school? Probably Mythology in high school. Do you write? If so, what? Yeah, meerkat role-play. And every now and again, poetry. Do you have a favorite culture? No; I'm not educated on nearly enough to pick one. Do you believe in global warming? Have you researched it? Lol no shit I do. I don't exactly think it takes much research to see with your own two eyes that it's factual. Do you prefer piercings or tattoos? Tattoos, if I had to pick. What comedy movie is your favorite? White Chicks. Have you ever meditated? Yes. Doesn't work for me. What comes to mind when you think of a great moment in your life? Realizing it was my choice to liberate myself and my happiness from my ex. He didn't and never should've carried it, because that's my right. What do you like about springtime? Aaaaall the flowers. <3 How have you handled having to stay in? It's not really different from my average day, so... How would your friends describe you? Quiet and overthinks literally everything. Have you ever hallucinated? When I was coming off a certain med in middle school, I saw black moving shadows. What (or who) is the best thing that ever happened to you? The partial hospitalization program I attended for two months following my suicide attempt. It's where I met my psychiatrist, who set my medication straight. Medicine besides though, I learned so many coping techniques and just how to deconstruct my trauma. As well as possible, anyway. What is the worst decision you ever made? Handing over the ability to make happiness for myself to another person. What is your favorite arcade game? Don't have one. Do you feel neglected? No. What school subject(s) are/were your best? English, Arts, Science. Are you allergic to pollen? Yep. What style of wedding dress do you like best? Probably ballgown. Are you over your first love? I probably never will be in complete totality. Do you always answer your phone? No. I only ever do if I recognize the number. Who was the last person you know to have a birthday? Today is actually my sister's birthday. What song is currently stuck in your head? I have Halocene's cover of "What I've Done" on a loop right now. It has me absolutely covered in goosebumps. Do you ever use coloring books? Not really anymore. Do you personally know anyone who is an author? Not to my knowledge, no. What’s your favorite kind of salsa/dip to go with tortilla chips? Just your normal, mildly hot salsa. Do you wash your car by hand or drive through a car wash? Mom's car hasn't been washed in... well, years, given its bumper. Mom worries that in a car wash, it'll be broken off (it is literally held on with a lot of zip ties and duct tape), and we ourselves don't want to wash it, so... Do you have any uncommon kitchen appliances, such as espresso machines, waffle irons, etc? I know we have one or two, but idk what they're called. What did your parents major/minor in in college, if they went? Dad never went to college. Mom changed her major a few times, but her latest was social work, I believe. Has either of their careers influenced what career you chose or want to pursue? Not at all. What kind of natural disaster is most common where you live? Hurricanes. Why is your least favorite season your least favorite? Because it's hot as fuck and humid. Have you ever had an animal get into your attic? No. When was the last time you started a “new chapter” of your life? I don't know. Hopefully I'll start one soon when I leave PHP and pursue a job... What room in your home do you spend the least amount of time in? I'm always in my room. Do you do anything to reduce the amount of electricity you use? I feel awful admitting I do quite the opposite... Being in the dark during the day affects my depression, so I'll have my lamp (or both) on even if it's just sort of shaded inside. Are you usually open to trying a new food that you aren’t familiar with? Eh, it depends on the food. I'm not very adventurous with foods though. Do you listen to Panic! At The Disco? I do. Have you ever had a kinky dream about a celebrity? ... It wasn't "kinky," but it was a dream lmao. Has anyone ever told you that they loved you, and you couldn’t say it back? That's how I ended the whole Joel childishness. Which friend do you confide in most? My mom. Do you wear a cross? No. What is your favorite doughnut? That's so hard. :( Krispy Kreme's normal glazed though probably takes the cake. I also love chocolate frosted and just totally plain, though. Do you have a hot tub? If so, where is it located? No. Did you read the Twilight series, or jump on the bandwagon after the movie? Neither. Do you or your parents rake your yard? Dad did growing up. Now nobody does or needs to. Who did you last go to the movies with? Dad, I think? What color was the last vehicle you were in? White. Do you have any family members in the military right now? No. Is there a ceiling fan in the room you’re in? Yeah. Have you ever heard voices? No. If you’re not straight, who was the first person you came out to? Sara. Do you remember the first time your first crush ever said hi to you? No. Do you ever go places with wet hair? Yeah, idc. Who is your favorite little girl? My nieces. What do you want the most in life? To feel like I made a difference, even a tiny one. If you could have anyone’s singing voice, whose would you choose? OBVIOUSLY Amy Lee's. What’s the most expensive thing you’ve bought that turned out to be a waste of money? *shrug* What’s something you’ve bought that turned out to be way more useful than you anticipated? Hm. Have you ever been on a ship? No. Would you ever date a disabled person? (Be honest) Yes. Would you rather adopt or have your own child? IF I wanted kids, which I absolutely do not, I'd rather have my own. I know I'd feel a deeper connection. What would you class as cheating on someone? As soon as you do/say something you don't want your s/o to know about, you're cheating. As far as earrings go, would you rather wear hoops or studs? Studs. Do you recycle? Yes. If someone dislikes you, what is most likely to be the reason? People have thought I don't try hard enough before. Do you put a line through your "7"s? Yes. ^ What about your "Z"s? Yes. What are you most known for? My art "skill," at least irl. How do you feel about shameless self-promoting? Depends on when, where, and how. As someone who's trying to be a freelance photographer, I get that it's sadly necessary, but there are some places it's just uncalled for.

[yumeka36]

Being bullied for your hobbies

I didn’t experience any kind of teasing or bullying for my hobbies in school until my second year of middle school, which is, ironically, the same year my Pokemon fandom began. Unfortunately I went to a private and snobby middle school, and none of my classmates shared my interest in it. One reason could be that I got into Pokemon at an older age than most kids at that time; the majority of kids getting into it were around 7-10 years old while I was 13-14. So many of the younger boys at my school were into it, so of course, being in middle school where peer pressure is rampant, you were considered a nerd if you were older than them but liked the same things. All the girls my age were into boys, glamour, dating, the latest hit movies and TV shows, and other teenager stuff. So liking Pokemon and cartoons at my age was out of the question! As far as actual incidents of bullying, there was one girl in particular who would always mock my Pokemon obsession. She wouldn’t attack me directly per se, but she’d do it by making subtle comments in my presence. For example, she had a 6 year old brother who also liked Pokemon and one day when I brought my Poke-Dex toy to school, she said something like “Oh, my brother has that, but he’s 6 years old…the right age.” And another time when I brought a magazine to school that had Pokemon fan art drawn by artists in their late teens and I showed it to her, trying to prove to her that older teenagers like Pokemon too, she said “Well, they must have no life.” Then another time when I took a Pokemon book out of my locker, she tried to take it away from me and give me a fashion magazine instead.

There were countless other incidents like that with her, and a few with other students too. When we were talking about going to high school one day in class, and this other girl found out I like Pokemon, she was like “You’re going to high school? Drop the Pokemon” (wish I could tell her now how Pokemon is what helped me make friends in high school!) Then I remember another time Pokemon somehow came up in the topic the teacher was discussing and some boy blurted out “Isn’t Pokemon for preschoolers or something?” and the whole class laughed while I just sat there feeling awkward. I even recall a couple of my teachers saying Pokemon is stupid, and one time, when I had brought my Pokemon Red version to play on the bus when we were on a school trip, one of my teachers noticed it and, after confirming that it was Pokemon I was playing, he asked the girl next to me “You like Pokemon too?” and she said “No, I hate Pokemon!” Then he turned back to me and said, “Hear that? She HATES Pokemon!” I don’t think I responded at all and just continued to feel bad.

As you can see, compared to extreme bullying cases you hear about, this is pretty mild. I wasn’t being verbally or physically abused and no one was vandalizing my stuff or anything like that. It was just a lot of hurtful remarks which, at that impressionable age, inhibited my self-esteem and made me keep thinking something was wrong with me for not being like everyone else. Luckily I had a couple of friends outside of school who liked Pokemon and I could share my hobby with.

Thankfully I went to a public high school with thousands of students, so there were plenty of “nerds” like me who liked anime and video games. That, together with the fact that during those years, anime was becoming more well known as a form of entertainment for adults too, with anime DVDs becoming available everywhere and anime airing on TV via Adult Swim and Toonami, so that helped make it more acceptable to like by the time I got to high school. Surprisingly, despite covering my school notebook in anime pictures and wearing anime shirts to school, I don’t recall being put down about it at all. Everyone just ignored it, or, if they were anime fans too, they’d compliment my stuff. That’s how I made a lot of friends in high school actually. It was also around this time that I started learning how lucky I was in terms of having a mom who supported my anime fandom and didn’t put me down for liking so-called childish things. A couple of my friends in high school weren’t so lucky and were constantly being harassed by their parents for liking “cartoons” at their age. While my mom was always buying me the anime stuff I wanted, it baffled me how my friends’ parents would never buy them anime stuff for their birthday, Christmas, etc., even though that’s what they really liked. Some years later when I was in college and I was telling one of these friends how my other friends who like anime got accepted to these prestigious universities, she said she had to tell her mom about that – that she had to prove to her mom that you could be an anime fan and still be smart and do well in school. It made me sad to think that people were that ignorant.

Luckily my only account of bullying in school was when I was into Pokemon in middle school, and luckily I never had any family members put me down about liking the stuff I like either (since my family is basically just my mom and she has total respect for it, and the 2-3 other family members I have I’m hardly in touch with, but they don’t mind either). But besides school and home, there is another place where you have no choice but to interact with people who might not approve of your tastes: the workplace. At my first job at a greeting card/gift store, a few of the girls working there would tease me about liking anime, insisting that it was all hentai and I was watching perverted stuff. Of course I would try to tell them that not all anime is hentai, but they wouldn’t listen. I would even fantasize about how I would someday get up the nerve to tell them about the stories of good anime series I was watching at the time, like Nana and Fullmetal Alchemist, so they couldn’t keep saying all anime is hentai and may even get interested in watching it themselves (I never did get up the nerve though). But it wasn’t anything serious, just a few remarks here and there, and unlike being teased for liking Pokemon as a kid, I was an adult by then and I didn’t let it get me down at all. It was just a little annoyance.

Looking back on these incidents now, I have to say that it’s true that people act differently as a group than by themselves. Back in middle school, most of the girls acted alright when it was just me and them. Even that one girl who always teased me about Pokemon acted nice to me when it was just me and her. I remember we used to both get dropped off early to school before most of the other kids and so we’d hang out together and I’d be playing Pokemon and she wouldn’t have any snide remarks. Sometimes she’d even talk to me about it in a friendly way. But once the other girls were around, she changed her tune. Another girl even went so far as to act like she liked Pokemon too when it was just me and her, saying how she would have certain Pokemon cards I would tell her about. But then she’d make fun of it as soon as the other kids were around. And even among the adults at my first job, they wouldn’t make any hentai comments when it was just me and one of them, only when they were in a group. It really is interesting how people can be persuaded to act differently than they normally would when they’re in a group and they don’t have enough self-confidence to overcome peer pressure. Which is why I’ve always felt that “I like individuals, but not people so much.” Unless the thing that someone likes is immoral and by taking part in it they’re causing actual harm to others, I don’t think anyone should be put down for the things they enjoy.

Anyway, I guess I’m lucky that my mom always respected my hobbies, and once I got away from that snobby middle school, I met a ton of fellow anime fans throughout the rest of my school years, many of which I’m still friends with today. And at my last job and the one I’m currently at, I haven’t had any teasing. In fact, I’ve met many coworkers with the same interests. I even have a group of coworkers from my old job that I get together with sometimes outside of work to play Pokemon and talk about anime. And at my current job, I completely decorated my office desk with Disney, Pokemon, and other cartoon/game pictures and figures and nobody cares – most of my coworkers think it’s cool actually =) I really feel that during the past several years it’s becoming more and more acceptable for the adults of the new generations to like these kinds of things. If that’s the case, I’m very glad for it ^_^

*This is a revision of a previous post I wrote on my old anime blog. You can also comment on the revised post here*

*Crossposted from my main blog, Yume Dimension*

[fallingfromdepression]

10/14/20: something i wish i could post on my personal IG but never will

back in april of 2019, i watched spiderverse for the first (and so far only) time. it was also the first time since middle school i considered seriously a career in animation, in character-focused stories. i admittedly have not consumed as much western animation as i should have before making this next claim, but spiderverse was one of the first western animations i had seen which felt similar to the animes i watched that i felt pushed the boundaries of the medium (namely, mob psycho 100); growing up, i had seriously (but maybe not as seriously as some of my peers who did go on to schools specializing in the arts) considered growing up to be a manga/anime artist, but manga/anime as a career had always felt distant since it was based in japan, an entirely separate country and far away from me (yes i was aware western comics and animation were a thing but i didn’t care about /their/ aesthetics at the time even though in retrospect some of them do have very dope styles and animation). spiderverse was one of the first times that i felt maybe the style i grew up consuming and wanting to create myself was possible in the west where i lived, accessible to me and not unreachable in a faraway land (theoretically. it is only a plane-ride away and manga/anime very much do influence current western media/animation).

the rekindling of my interest in art as a career also came at a time when i was entering grad school for an industry i was not really sure i actually wanted to pursue (public policy). i had already had doubts about even going to grad school for this from the beginning of deciding to apply for the program, but as i had done no job searching or had any job offers waiting post-graduation, grad school seemed to make the most sense (as other people told me. and honestly i believed too as someone who had gone through college and yet never found my “passion”). i hoped that i would somehow fall in love with public policy, or at least learn to like it enough to drive me through the next 2 years. back in april, i had just recently either submitted my application to grad school or had just received my acceptance offer (i don’t remember which), so this rekindling did not come at a great time since i had to start priming my mind for a policy career rather than an art career. i’m writing this as me who is currently in my 2nd year of the public policy program, and i’m sorry to say to my past self that i still haven’t fallen in love with public policy as i had hoped (in fact, i had imagined being able to drop out of the program but it could only be in my imagination as it was ridiculous to quit after only 1 quarter in grad school. and a potential waste of time and money despite literally my microeconomics professor in that first quarter saying ‘if, theoretically, someone here were to regret coming to grad school for public policy ... it’s better to quit now rather than slug through the next 2 yrs in a program you don’t like’). in the past year, i have continued to struggle with the idea of pursuing art as a career... and with my own art.

this latter is a completely new struggle, as i have enjoyed drawing for, the most part, my entire life. while i did try to wean myself off of this interest in high school in preparation for my (assumed) future career as a medical doctor, i still went back to it at the end of high school/beginning of college and have been drawing on and off ever since. it really is just a hobby, as i do it in my free time and i don’t make money off of it. however in the last year, i have really struggled with keeping my art as just a hobby, especially with my desire/dream to do art as a career. despite my excitement in april 2019, i don’t believe i can ever make it in the art industry and this is a belief i’ve had since high school: i don’t have much creativity or unique new ideas to bring to the table (most of my current creative endeavors usually include fanart or being inspired by memes/someone else’s work that my own work is then based off of) and i don’t have the drive that i feel like i’ve seen from actual art professionals. depression and mental health issues that influence this drive aside, the reason i never pursued art seriously back in high school was because i didn’t think i had the ability. the people i know who did end up going to school for art had styles different from mine -- admittedly leaning on the photorealistic side, which now i consider a separate style from manga/anime and both are just as valid as art. but back then i didn’t think of it like that -- and they were thinking about art and creating almost all the time. (admittedly again, they did have more art classes in their schedules but i had my hands full trying to keep my grades and motivation up for science and math classes. obviously other things were at play here from that very sentence alone, but moving on.) all in all, i don’t think i have what it takes even though admittedly the drive i keep mentioning is kind of something i need in /all/ industries, regardless of whatever i’m producing for it... so time and time again i keep coming back to square one. i want to pursue a career but also i don’t/can’t. but well, you don’t have to go to art school; i’ve seen people online who manage to side-gig or get by by just posting online while doing other things academically/professionally full-time.

but in a recent attempt to do a month-long drawing challenge, i realized ... i don’t know what i want to do with my art. my frustration with my art during that challenge (which i only ended up doing a full week of before i stopped) coupled with me reading write-ups of artists talking about their inspirations to create made me ask myself ... what am i drawing for? what do i want to ultimately create? at this current point in time i’ve realized those reasons again, but during that challenge i thought that i didn’t have any reasons. i was just drawing just to draw... which is fine as a hobbyist but as a professional who is creating character-driven/focused stories? now, i said i’ve realized those reasons again, and they revolve around me wanting to create stories about mental health, stories with representation. except for the former i have never successfully drawn anything pertaining to my own mental health story bc i find it impossible to put down tangibly, and the latter i feel like i don’t feel as strongly about it as some other artists i follow (namely a specific artist who had talked about how important it was for them as a malaysian singaporean to represent muslim malaysian culture well. and you could tell through their writing how strongly they felt about it. it’s a level that i am not at admittedly with my own representation goals). and not having a strong sense of direction with my art is the same problem i have with public policy, in which i don’t know what exactly i want to do with it. i have a concept, ideas of what to do but i have no idea what it actually looks like in practice to execute. as someone who is most comfortable coming up with ways to execute other people’s ideas and not coming up with and executing my own, trying to figure out my own life trajectory for myself with a limited time frame (i’m in my 2nd year of grad school for christ’s sake) is a Feat to say the least.

in spiderverse, in the mangas i used to read and still do today, characters with problems like me get to see them solved linearly and with good endings. they struggle to get to that ending though, and so i should expect to struggle too. but as someone who has not maintained friendships through any period of my life (separate can of worms to open) nor has any concrete idea/desire for what i want to do in the future ... i’m already missing 2 major factors that the fictional characters i read about usually have to help guide them. i’m still struggling with this desire to pursue art as a career as i currently take classes on public policy, and with my motivation to draw. i’m struggling to draw now because i feel that there is no future in my art, that even if i keep it as a hobby it isn’t worth it. i get it, you don’t have to monetize your hobbies, and if it’s just a hobby you can go at it at your own pace and not compare to others. but being on social media more recently and looking at more art has been really damaging lately, even if i keep reminding myself that these artists are good because they’re either 1. younger and have more time to draw and churn out art to practice more or 2. have literal careers in art and have studied art and drawn repeatedly for essentially years ... it still hurts to see art and realize how much work you have to do yourself to get to that level. this fear of that amount of work is almost an entirely different issue than just a struggle on whether or not to pursue art professionally though... 

recently, in a fit of frustration, i considered just not drawing ever again and to try to forget about art and attempt to more seriously pursue public policy. but the idea of just not drawing ever again literally brought tears to my eyes, and i feel it’s because drawing has been a part of my life for so long (it was essentially my identity in middle school, and maybe that’s why i have such a complex with art) that i don’t know what i would do if i gave it up. drawing and my confidence in my ability to draw has been there for me through decades now, and i still like being able to visually depict others’ and my ideas. but sometimes i look at my art and i’m like ‘wow i’ve improved a lot since back then’ but sometimes i look at my art and think of everything i’m lacking compared to what i want my art to be like.

[whereintheworldisbella]

Spelunking in Russia

-- Disclaimer -- This story is from summer 2014. I wrote the beginning shortly after it happened, and never penned the rest until just now, six years later. So sadly I can’t remember a lot of the small details, but I try to recount the story to the best of my recollection. Here goes nothing...

Hi all, sorry it's been so long since my last post, but I promise this story's worth the wait.

So last week was the final week for the students on the 4-week program. To celebrate, we all went to a bar on Friday night and I tried a vodka milkshake.  I'm not sure if I liked it..I think I would have preferred just the milkshake.

Then I walked home with some friends and was finally out late enough that I got to see the city "at night" - I say this in quotes because at 1 or 2 AM the sky still wasn't completely dark. St. Petersburg at night is absolutely beautiful.

When Marie and I got home (Marie is the other student who lives with the same host family as I do), we went into the kitchen for water and a snack. Alexey, the father of the 3 small girls who all live with us, comes into the kitchen and prepares himself a meal (remember, this is about 2, 2:30 in the morning). He starts talking to us pretty quickly (well, normally I guess, but to us it seems fast) and we nod along, even though we don't understand what he's saying.

Then his father-in-law, Sasha (a diminutive for Alexander), comes into the kitchen and asks us if we understand. We admit that we don't and he gets annoyed that we didn't say anything, but to be honest it's late and we're pretty tired. Sasha explains that Alexey and Julia (his wife) met in a cave. "Ahhhh" we say, as if that explains the entire 5 minutes of talking we just heard. Then Alexey, speaking slower, goes on to explain something to us. All I am able to distinguish is: "forest," "photographs," "festival," "you will get dirty." He asks us if we want to come with him. Marie passes but I, feeling adventurous, say I would like to.

The next day (well, technically later on the same day), on Saturday, I finish my homework and wait for Alexey to return. **Now writing in retrospect, 6 years later, based off memory.** I’m clad out in a new pair of hiking pants and some sneakers. When Alexey returns he looks at me and asks if that’s what I’m going in, because it looks too nice to get dirty. I feel self-conscious and say it’s fine. He packs some bags and we head down the old staircase to his old jeep and take off.

The car ride is bumpy to say the least. As a typical driver in St. Petersburg, Alexey zooms in and out of traffic in his very used, very noisy jeep, the safety of which is questionable. At one point the car stalls. Russian music plays on the radio as this stranger that I’ve known all but a few interactions drives me toward the outskirts of the city and beyond, out into the country where the roads are narrow, without shoulders. Since he doesn’t speak English and I barely know Russian, we don’t hold a conversation.

After about 45 minutes or an hour, he pulls over the car and informs me that we’ve arrived. I look around. All I see are fields and forests. Still, I’ve been to a huge music festival in Denmark before that’s held in the middle of farms, so I go with it. I get out the car to help him unload the trunk but he just changes shoes and says to get back into the car, that he’ll go another way. Confused, I get back into the car and Alexey starts driving off the road and into the forest. There’s no road, but Alexey weaves between trees, as he did in traffic, the car bouncing so violently that I picture the screws falling out and the whole car just going to pieces.

By this point, I start to get a little worried. Why did this man take me out to the middle of nowhere? Surely I can’t be in any danger because the school program know him, right? I mean, they are letting me live with him and his family. Yet I can’t help wondering…

Then he stops suddenly - trees are blocking the way. He backs up, driving just as fast in reverse as he was going forward, weaving through the trees backward. Stops. Forward again. Then we’re there, and I see a bonfire and some tents. Relief washes over me. We set up a small orange 2-person tent a bit away from the others and Alexey tells me to follow him through the woods. Despite the signs of other people, I don’t see anyone.

We leave our stuff in the tent and walk a few minutes until we get to a crater in the ground with a small hole at the bottom, like a tunnel. We’re close to the roadway - I hear a truck go by. Alexey starts speaking quickly in Russian. He hands me a flashlight, motions to the tunnel in the crater and says “You go first.”

I’m starting to suspect that there’s no music festival, after all.

I climb down, turn the flashlight on, and enter the cave. Alexey follows behind me. The space is small, dark, and damp, and every time a truck passes on the road the earth trembles. Alexey motions for me to follow and we venture further into the cave, at some points squeezing through narrow spaces to get into the next “room.” I feel extremely claustrophobic. Some water drips on my head, or is it slime from bats? I don’t like caves one bit, I conclude.

Alexey starts speaking to me. I think he’s explaining different types of rocks, but I have no clue what he’s saying. I try asking what the caves are used for. I think he mentions something about bunkers in the wartime. Makes sense, I think.

Then, much to my relief, Alexey motions back to the single entrance and we exit the cave. Nearby is another crater - in fact, they’re everywhere. Now I hear voices. We enter another hole and it’s like some sort of art exhibit, or the private meeting place of a secret society. Candles are lit, figures are drawn on the cave walls, and a small group of Russian boys and men are drinking and talking in the cave. Alexey greets them and introduces me.

I’m embarrassed when he says I’m American and they all are suddenly fascinated. They start asking me questions, practicing their broken english, and laughing. I have a sinking feeling that they’re laughing at me and slinging some insults. I try my best to respond, and not feel self-conscious. I spout my rehearsed intro about myself and why I’m in Russia - to learn the language because I think it’s a pretty language. They offer me alcohol but I decline.

When we get outside, we head to the tents, where others have now gathered, among them women and children. I start speaking with them and we eat dinner (I think some sort of hot dogs and beans? Though I can’t say I remember). We talk about Russian novels, and poems, and music. I’m embarrassed that I don’t know more but they’re impressed with what I do know, and I feel a bond. Vodka is passed around. Then someone breaks out their guitar and the whole camp - about 10 of us maybe - starts singing together.

We stay that way for a while, until the sun finally disappears and night falls. I get to know a young mother (Irina) and her young son, and another girl from Moscow, Natasha, who’s about my age (I will go on to visit them each again, twice, during my stay in Russia. I’m still friends with them on Facebook and Vkontaktya).

I feel much more at ease now that I have made some female friends. Then someone picks up a shovel, yells “Davai!”, and heads off into the darkness. Everyone follows with flashlights, still singing and strumming the guitar. We get to another crater and two men jump in and start shoveling, one of them now shirtless. The music continues and the shovelers swap out. I think they’re trying to find an entrance to another cave. (I don’t remember if they actually did, but I don’t think so.)

It seems like hours pass like this before people start heading back to camp for bed. It was starting to get light again, but because it was summer (white nights), it was still the middle of the night. Alexey and I made our way to the small, orange tent and, exhausted, fell asleep. I slept in my clothes, next to my host-brother, and though we each had our own sleeping bag, I felt quite weird about the situation. Anyway, he snored, and the next thing I knew it was morning.

We ate some kasha or bagels and cheese (I think) for breakfast and packed up. I guess the cave exploring was over (thank God). I swapped telephone numbers with Irina and Natasha, and made plans to go to the beach along the Baltic with them later that day. Then Alexey and I drove back home.

The beach we went to was close to Irina’s dacha, out in the country. We had to take a train and then stand on a hot and overcrowded marshutka to get there. Many locals spent their summers at their dachas, or traveled there on weekends, which was the case for my host-family. On the train I could see travelers hauling bags of freshly picked mushrooms and berries from the countryside back into the city.

By this point, my Russian improved a lot and I was able to have pretty meaningful conversations with Irina and Natasha about the differences between the US and Russia, especially around finances. Sadly, Natasha had to return to Moscow the next day, and although we met up when I visited Moscow one weekend with the school program, we haven’t kept in touch. I feel like we would have become friends if she lived in St. Petersburg.

Irina did live in St. Petersburg, in the outskirts, and I did visit her for dinner one evening. Because I was super late, I didn’t have time to buy any food or housewarming gift. I know is considered rude to show up empty-handed, and I tried to explain that I didn’t want to be more late than I was already, and apologized many times, but honestly I was too embarrassed to hold close contact with her after.

Overall, spelunking in Russia was the craziest thing I did there. I was uncomfortable the entire time, but I’m so glad I impulsively decided to go. I can’t say that anything tangible came out of if (lasting friendships, hard skills, or even photos because I was too nervous to take any), but this memory sure does make for one hell of a story, and I’ll never forget it.