#considering the wild competition that seems to be happening. the battle live rooms are like always full

[kalmeria]

CALENDULA NAGISA I GOT CALENDULA NAGISAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!

[lesbiansforboromir]

I absolutely love your borodred thoughts, they are just *chefs kiss* so I have to ask how do you think Boromir and Theodred, who come off (to me at least) as very "expressing my true feeling??? In this economy???", get together? How do they start dating and get psuedo-married???

OH MAN ok so so- kajds FFF HANG ON hang on I’m actually... kinda writing this fic but I will never finish it so lemme try and summarise for you SO. 

Important things to keep in mind:  - Boromir and Theodred were friends as children, or rather they became friends after initially disliking each other because Theodred was foul mouthed and sharp tongued and Boromir was withdrawn and noble. Being so close in age, everyone agreed it would be a good thing for them to get to know each other as boys, since they would be interacting so much later on. This SEEMED to go badly initially, they quarrelled and tussled. But they both also... didn’t seem to want to NOT do those things. And eventually it became clear that Boromir really enjoyed having a friend he could be looser and more competitive around, whilst Theodred was quite eager for Boromir’s more quiet confidence that made him a calming presence. Everyone ALSO realised their arguments had turned to playing and they were thoroughly enjoying having a friend who was their absolute equal in social standing. Bullet points seem redundant now but I’m gonna continue with them.

- The pair actually found more than just a friend in this relationship, they got more confident and settled in their own positions too. Theodred’s manner allowed Boromir to feel more comfortable admitting when he was unsure or didn’t know things, where previously he’d considered that a weakness he couldn’t afford (due to his father’s image of never being wrong). Theodred on the other hand also felt more comfortable with the concept that Some Battles Aren’t Worth Fighting. He didn’t need to dignify every taunt with the validation of noticing it. Sometimes ignoring something is just as good as defying it. And much more! This all naturally turned into them discussing and comparing their experiences as princes and captains, which also naturally turned into them acknowledging struggles and frustrations surrounding those titles that they really never talked to anyone else about. (This isn’t entirely true, Grimbold and Theodred were very close and Boromir’s few tight friends he made and kept all know somewhat of these things, but they can’t quite understand it in the same way) The pertinent point to all this is they grew close and understood each other really well, you know those people it’s just SO easy to be around? Like you always thought you were speaking the same language as everyone else but then you find someone who ACTUALLY speaks your language and you feel perfectly understood suddenly? Yeah!

- God there’s so much to explain, this is gonna need a cut

- This development is also perfectly mirrored in their feelings about each other’s cultures. Boromir was initially fond but ignorant of Rohir ways, influenced by the Gondorian idea that they were all somewhat rugged and unsubtle. Theodred had the impression that Gondor was a very monodimensional country of just self-aggrandising scholars and dull melancholy. And then, just through sharing their interests with each other, spending time together as friends do, they’re really very much shown their misinterpretations. Theodred goes to see Boromir’s wrestling matches at times when he’s in Gondor. Boromir has a WAIL of a time watching Theodred flyting, they get into each other’s interests! Which is something that starts off unconscious, but eventually Boromir feels at home amongst the rohirrim because they are Theodred’s people. And Theodred reconnects with his Grandmother’s family still in Gondor because that’s his connection to Boromir- WE’RE GOING OFF MESSAGE BUT THIS IS IMPORTANT BACKGROUND.

- The basic point is they are both very very familiar with the other’s ‘no emotions in this ecomony’ manner and know all the ways the other avoids just such emotions whilst also being very privvy to the rare evidence that they do both, indeed, have emotions. They also RESPECT that need in the other, to be careful, it’s not pushy. Non-verbally they reach a point where emotions will be safe between them, they don’t get made too heavy, they don’t pry, Theodred just accepts that Boromir is exhausted from appearing like every victory was easy when they’re barely hanging on. Boromir just accepts that Theodred is furious and frustrated with all the scrutiny his character is under from every Thane when they have far more dire things to worry about. They both understand that they’re very very tired of grief, of losing people, of accepting that it was likely their fault, and then moving on immediately afterwards. And also OH OH ALSO!! Very important, they came to their understanding of this war they’re in together too. This sense of impending doom. I think, different from everything else, they admitted the fact that they did not believe they would live to see a new age only to each other. They always knew it, but they had the space to voice it all. Yes, it’s up to us, yes, we will likely fail, yes, we’re going to fight this fight anyway. OK SO THAT- SO JUST- KEEP ALL THAT IN MIND, that’s the foundation of where this all starts SO.

(WAIT ALSO- sorry fuck- also important.... pining. Boromir’s relationship to romantic thoughts is VERY different to Theodred’s, he has a much more like... positive idea of romantic love than Theodred does. Even if that’s not saying much. But the point is that means Boromir realised he was full on deeply ‘I hate when he walks out of a room because everything is more enjoyable when he’s around’ in love with him much earlier than Theodred did. Around 20. HOWEVER, Boromir also has a very ingrained cultural sense of ‘oh but the comradery of friendship is beautiful! I shall be content with this, Theodred deserves my respect so I won’t think of him sexually’ and he’s saying this after having had sexual relationships with men in the past AND THEN GOES ON to have romantic/sexual relationships with men during his pining which is kinda messing with him a little, especially because he ISN’T content- Boromir’s yearning and creating some cultural hurdles for himself later.

Theodred takes a while longer, in all things, he’s not content to accept that he’s exclusively attracted to men for a good long while. He gives relationships with women a go but he’s just having to try so hard for not much and it’s never sustainable. Not helped by my hc of Rohan having a kinda like... half ancient grecian concept of male homosexuality? Which is VERY muddled in with Gondorian sensibilities and creating a wild atmosphere of ‘men with men is just about sex and that’s ok, normal for soldiers sort of, something to tease about, but also don’t bottom and also don’t fall in love with a man, we all have a complex relationship to love in general as men, good luck navigating our impenetrable toxic masculine thicket’. SO Theodred accepts he’s pretty inescapably attracted to Boromir quite young. But when Theodred begins suspecting he has real serious feelings for Boromir it’s a much more frustrating discovery, he hasn’t DECIDED this is ok yet. But he still hates to see him go and prefers arguing with Boromir than drinking with anyone else and he can’t stop his mind drifting to him or missing him when he’s away. PINING, SEE? This ship has everything, anyway moving on)

((NO WAIT PPS, the fact of Boromir’s sexuality is a kind of unspoken thing between him and Theodred, everyone else chalks up his disinterest in women to Boromir being a good Gondorian but Theodred (quietly) knows better. The extent of their talking about it is in private moments when Theodred says something like ‘of course you won’t be doing that I suppose’ and it’s just a quiet chuckle and then moved on, neither of them want to tALK about it. But eventually Theodred can’t be bothered with the effort of pretence any longer. It’s not until later that Boromir notices changes in Theodred where he’s given up on trying for lovers, stopped pretending to laugh at all the jokes he hates and is acting differently around some riders that Boromir’s thoughts turn that way and he wonders. OH KAY. THERE.))

A lot… happens… between Boromir and Theodred before during and after Eomund’s death (so through their 23-24 yo years). What’s important to understand is that the ‘realising feelings’ part was not that difficult. They were very important friends for each other long before anything else. Boromir knew he was in love with Theodred early on, but Theodred realised he was loved back first. And there was about a year of time where they both silently, quietly, and with some sardonic bitterness, knew the other knew.

Because the issue they actually- ahsd damn fuck there is SO MUCH in this that you need to know, it’s tied to this sense they have of not being made for joy, they weren’t made to succeed, they were here to try, they are made to defy the undefiable and lose because no matter the end, their people and these living homes of theirs deserve to be fought for, it’s an understanding that silently connects them, that they both do accept and they find it deeply aggravating and exhausting for people to claim it is otherwise- it’s still all about love for them, it’s all true, they’re happy to do it, they would have chosen these roles if they could have but!! But that drives them into these personas and mindsets of self sacrifice and somewhat mmm young concepts of hopelessness and effort-

The point is that the difficult part was getting to the point of agreeing that this thing between them, that would be just for them, was worth pursuing, was possible and that such a thing was meant for them. Over the year and during Eomund’s death so much happens and there’s this undercurrent that specifically for Theodred is… a kind of slow angry grief, that he wants this but it would just be adding to their obstacles, that BOROMIR wants this- it’s hard for him.

BUT GETTING TO THE POINT, in midsummer of the following year Theodred comes to the festival at Minas Tirith at the Steward’s invitation (and Theoden’s encouragement, Eomer and Eowyn had to have his full attention and Theodred’s presence was as yet not a fully comfortable one for the two children) AND… Boromir had done this before, but Midsummer requires much more elaborate dress and Boromir had an outfit made for Theodred, in his colours, fitting him and his comfort, and he met him at Minas Tirith’s gates and they hadn’t seen each other a great deal since Eomund’s death and there’s a PAUSE to see each other that neither of them acknowledge and Boromir takes him up to Merethond and they get talking and Boromir shows him the garments he had made and Theodred tries them on and Boromir pulls on the waistband and collar to make sure it sits on him properly and Theodred has a look to him of withheld gutting frustration and-

And in that moment Boromir thinks to himself ‘I’m going to fix that’. Good decisions are easier to make when it’s for the both of them and there’s a right kind of defiance that he feels when he nears this decision, a galvanising excitement, and when Theodred asks him what he thinks to break the silence, Boromir tells him he is handsome in a tone he’s never used before.

Theodred turns to look at him and he can’t look at Boromir without being IN THEIR WORLD with him, in their language and the flow they have together and Boromir’s smiling at him, confident, so even if his smile’s still a little painful, he looks at Boromir in his own celebratory garb that he wears so confidently and tells him he’s handsome too. Which gives Boromir an expression that Theodred likes too much and that neither of them are turning away from, but Theodred’s still got a scowl in the silence before he breaks it.

“No longer ‘unspoken’ then.”

“It still is, in technicality.”

“I don’t see the difference.”

“Was it so different before?”

And Theodred can’t help the quirk of his lip and the hand he brings down onto Boromir’s chest that he doesn’t take back. “Glibness doesn’t suit you, be serious, we won’t walk away from this unscathed.”

“I am not intending too.”

And Theodred is caught by that, a small “Oh.” escapes him. Boromir waits but Theodred can’t get the words out he’s just… looking at him, trying to puzzle through Boromir’s mind. So Boromir takes in a breath and;

“I wanted to kiss you at the gates.”

He says with an ease born of relief, just to say it out loud, Theodred’s hand is still on his chest and his own covers it and holds it there.

“Am I allowed now?”

Theodred doesn’t quite reply before Boromir’s leans in. He’s not cautious, he tilts his head and pushes into Theodred’s space and his hand strokes up and over Theodred’s stubble like a man who’s been thinking about doing nothing else for a long long time. Theodred is still, partly on instinct and partly because he is too focused on seeking intent in Boromir’s eyes. But when Boromir pauses, their lips an inch apart, those instincts are gone. And all he can do is relax, mindless and focused, shaking his head in incremental disbelief as his hand on Boromir’s chest fists tighter into his coat.

“You- brave, reckless fool.” He barks in a release of nerves and laughter.

“Yes, finally,” Boromir says in an answering breathless laugh.

They meet in the middle. It is brief, awkward, they orientate, hands stuttering before finding strong, comfortable grips on one another, Theodred’s fingers find Boromir’s curls at long last, he’s been pining after them for too long to let go once they pull away for the first time.

The first rasped question that comes to mind is, “… Did you know… I would-?”

“No, not really.” Boromir answers.

“… Fuck.” Is really the only appropriate response.

“What do you think?” Is asked next.

And there is a great deal he should be thinking about, but all that’s filling his mind is Boromir’s voice saying ‘I wanted to kiss you at the gates’. And it might not be new and he might have thought it himself before, but it’s so meaningful for them both to admit a want. It’s so vulnerable. Theodred hears it with such love, he feels suddenly like he’s holding something precious and fragile, secret knowledge of a moment when Boromir wanted. He’s heard Boromir want before but those were different, this is just for them. And- god that really activates him in a vital and ferocious way, he wants to hear more, wants to want and admit it. It makes him feel positively ravenous for it, for more moments of Boromir wanting. So he says;

“That I’ve never wanted to think less. Not yet, come on-.”

This kiss is longer, exploratory, and something to easily get lost in. A relief. Eventually Boromir’s back is against a wall and both princes are dishevelled with wanting grasping hands. Theodred has to laugh, more confident, invigorated. This has tapped into his bitten, fierce determination, this dogged manner he has where if he’s grasped something then he’ll get it done. He suddenly has living, breathing energy.

“I feel so bloody young.” He grumbles, because he does. And he can’t remember the last time he felt this kind of nervous fluttering discovery.

“… We are young.” Boromir breathes eventually, between his near panting breaths.

That isn’t so funny, just too true, despite how false it feels. How it almost rankles them both to acknowledge, considering all they had seen and done and been. All the dead boys and men they’d shucked to become men that were needed. What on earth was young reckless action doing appearing to them now? And yet it’s also right because… their youth has always belonged to each other.

As a thought it sobers them enough to give everything space to breathe. BUT THAT’S ENOUGH!! Oh my god!! This isn’t even finished- fuck

[thejakeformerlyknownasprince]

Hi! As someone who’s literary opinion I really trust, I was surprised that you’re a twilight fan? I know almost nothing except commen knowledge things about that series, and I always assumed it was actually bad/un-feminist. What is it that you like so much that others seem to miss? I’m just genuinely curious about your take on the hate it always seems to get vs. it’s actual quality. I’m not gonna judge bc animorphs is also one of those books where you see it and assume it’s bad.

In over 14 years of loving this series, I’m not sure anyone has ever asked me why I enjoy it instead of simply trying to convince me that I’m wrong to do so.  So thank you for that.

First and foremost, I love the Twilight saga because of the vivid detail in Stephenie Meyer’s writing style.  The descriptions are so lush and dense with sensory information that you can practically bite down on them as you read.  Bella and Jacob aren’t just sitting on the beach; they’re sitting on a gnarled log of driftwood, worn smooth at the top from where so many Quileute teens have sat upon it during bonfires but still uneven enough to rock on its branches when Bella suddenly stands to rage at her own mortality.  Meyer describes that log in Twilight, so tangibly and with such economy of detail, that we recognize it immediately when Bella and Jacob return to that spot in Eclipse.  I’ve always disliked the movies, because I’ve always felt that the best part of Meyer’s writing simply did not translate well to the screen.

Secondly, I love the feminism.

Okay, let’s take a quick pause to let everyone gasp and clutch their pearls over me calling Twilight a feminist work.  I will address the criticisms later.  For now, please just hear me out.

Twilight strikes me as a premier example of what Hélène Cixous means when she calls for “women’s writing,” or writing for women, about women, by women, with a strong focus on the concerns and strengths and desires of womanhood.  This is a series about building and maintaining close relationships, both romantic and platonic.  It celebrates beauty, and love, and care.  Bella moves to Forks because she recognizes that her dad is lonely while her mom is quite the opposite, torn between family priorities.  She doesn’t simply subsume her interests to those of other people, but instead actively chooses how and when and where to express her love for her birth family and her found families.  Most of the other major decisions throughout the story — Alice “adopting” Bella, Carlisle moving the family to Alaska, Jacob becoming werewolf beta, the Cullens going up against the Volturi, etc. — are motivated by care and devotion for one’s family and friends.  Even the selfish or morally ambiguous character choices are shown to be motivated by love.  Rosalie tells Edward that Bella died because she genuinely thinks it’ll help him move on.  Victoria creates an army that nearly destroys Forks because she’s avenging James.  Alice abandons Bella and the others before the final battle because if she can’t save her entire family, then she’ll settle for saving her lover before letting him die in vain.

Not only is there a striking concern with love and care, but there’s also a strong commitment to avoiding violence.  Bella’s eventual vamp-superpower proves to be preventing violence and protecting others, an awesome character decision that I’d argue gets set up as early as the first book.  She lives in a violent world — this is a YA SF story, after all — but she has the power to suppress violence and create peace, both in herself and others.  I was already sick of “power = ability to inflict damage” in YA stories well before I knew the word “patriarchy.”  Twilight was one of the first books to convey to me that power could be refusing to do harm in spite of hunger or anger, that power could be shielding ones’ family, that power could be about building enough friendships and alliances to have an army at one’s back when facing an enemy too strong to take on alone.

Closely connected to all of that love and care, I love how much Twilight is about navigating teenage girlhood.  Is it empowering, intersectional, or all-inclusive?  Hell no.  Does it still dare to suggest that a completely ordinary teenage girl could have valid concerns about the world?  Yep.  The main conflict of the story, as Stephen King so derisively explained, is about the romantic entanglements of a teenage girl, and the book therefore has no literary merit.  (To quote my dad’s response: “Bold words from the guy who inflicted Firestarter on the world.”)

There is, indeed, a lot of romance in Twilight.  There are a lot of clothes.  Alice and Rosalie especially spend a lot of time on makeup, and hair, and choosing the prettiest cars and houses.  Twilight embraces all the stereotypically “girly” concerns of adolescence, and makes no effort to apologize for or condemn them.  Bella isn’t particularly good at performing them — she likes but doesn’t excel at shopping, fiercely defends her ugly car as ugly, hobbles through prom on crutches — but she can still enjoy the feeling of being pretty in a sparkly dress while dancing with her sparkly boyfriend.  And Twilight, like Animorphs with Cassie, takes the daring step of treating that feeling as valid.

Speaking of sparkles, I love the commitment to the fantasy concept in Twilight, including the myriad mundanities that Meyer brings with that commitment.  If you have super-speed, why not use it to play extreme baseball?  If you’re a mindreader with a clairvoyant sister, why wouldn’t you two play mental chess games?  I couldn’t tell you, after seven seasons of Buffy or eight of Vampire Diaries, what Spike or Damien or Angel or Stefan does all day when not brooding or lurking in the bushes to creep on human women.  I can tell you what the Cullens get up to.  Emmett and Rosalie work on their cars, usually by holding them overhead one-handed.  Carlisle and Alice read plays, and sometimes talk the whole family into home Shakespeare productions.  Edward and Carlisle debate theology, Emmett and Jasper have dumb athletic competitions, Edward and Esme play music, Alice manipulates stock markets, the twins go shopping online, etcetera.  The Cullens feel real, feel like the vampires next door, in a way that Louis and Lestat simply do not.

To get to the elephant in the room — I just described Twilight as a feminist text! — let’s talk about the other thing the Cullens do for fun: they have sex.  Weird sex.  Kinky furniture-breaking sex.  Sex that Emmett (who would know) compares to bear-wrestling.  These books suck with regards to queer representation, but they are sex-positive.  They feature an old-school Anglican protagonist offering his daughter-in-law a medical abortion.  They treat Edward’s desire for sex only within marriage and Alice’s desire for sex outside of marriage as both being valid.  Like I said, not groundbreaking, even by the standards of 2005, but still more than most teen novels do even today.

There’s a passage from Breaking Dawn that people love to pull out of context as “everything wrong with Twilight in two paragraphs” because it describes Bella waking up the morning after sex with bruises on her arms.  That moment is shocking out of context, to be sure — but in context, it’s the end result of an in-depth consent negotiation that lasts four books.  Bella says that she’d like to become a vampire.  Edward says okay, but only if she spends a few more years living as a human and considering that choice.  Bella says okay, but only if Edward, not Carlisle, becomes the one to turn her.  Edward says they can use his venom, but that Carlisle, who’s an MD, really needs to supervise the process.  Bella doesn’t love the idea of Edward’s stepdad cockblocking what’s supposed to be an intimate moment, and so agrees only on the grounds that she gets to have sex with Edward as a human first.  Edward’s hella Catholic, so he requests that they get married first.  Bella’s super horny, so she demands that the wedding happen within six months.  Edward says that he might hurt her during sex, and Bella says that she wants a little hurt during sex.  They marry.  They bang.  During the banging, Edward makes every effort to be controlled and courteous and gentile, while Bella goes wild and crazy.  The next morning, she has bruises and he does not.  Edward apologizes, but Bella’s actually really into it.  She spends a while admiring her sexy vamp-marked self in the mirror, touches the bruises many times, and reminds us yet again that Bella Swan’s whole M.O. is being a monsterfucker.  Her kink is not my kink, and that’s okay.

To be clear, I think there are other aspects of the romance that get criticized for good reason.  Edward does not negotiate with Bella before sneaking into her room to watch her sleep, and he does make unacceptable use of their power differences when he thinks she’s in danger of being mauled by werewolves.  The text condemns Jacob’s “don’t wanna die a virgin” ploy to manipulate a kiss out of Bella, but not the wider conceit of all the male characters as possessing uncontrollable urges.  Bella’s struggles to adjust to a new town feel very feminine and realistic; her amused tolerance of Jacob’s and Mike’s sexual harassment as the price for their friendship does not.  Werewolf imprinting might be mostly platonic, but that doesn’t make it okay for Meyer to depict it as a form of soulmate bonding that happens with child characters. Those are good points, all around.  I just wish that most of them didn’t come up in the context of post-hoc rationalizations for loathing the femininity of a feminine text.

I’m not calling Twilight an unproblematic series.  I’m saying that it gets (rightly!) criticized for appropriating Quileute culture, while Buffy’s total absence of main characters of color and blatant anti-Romani racism are (wrongly!) not remarked upon. I'm saying that I’ve been told I’m a misogynist for liking Twilight but not for liking James Bond.  I’m saying that there’s a reason people tend to go “oh, that makes so much sense!” when I let them in on the fact that reactive hatred for “Twitards” started and spread on 4Chan, later home of Gamergate and incel culture.  I’m saying that Twilight depicts problematic relationship dynamics as sexy — but then so do Vampire Academy, Blue Bloods, Supernatural, Vladimir Tod, and Vampire Diaries.  All of which take the time to stop and thumb their noses at Twilight, smug in the superiority of having vampires that fly rather than vampires that sparkle, and for thoroughly condemning teenage girls for being girly while continuing to show men inflicting violence on them.

After all, as Erin May Kelly puts it: “we live in a world taught to hate everything to do with little girls.  We hate the books they read and the bands they like.  Is there anything the world makes fun of more than One Direction and Twilight?”  No one has ever called me a misogynist for liking the MCU, in spite of less than a third of its movies even managing to clear the low-low bar of the Bechdel test.  Because people are still allowed to like Harry Potter in spite of its racism, or Lord of the Rings despite its imperialism.  Because hatred for Twilight was never about its very real sexism, or the genuinely silly sparkle-vampires, until it had to justify itself as something other than hate for everything that teenage girls have ever dared openly love.

I enjoy the novels, and I enjoy the fan fiction that tries to fix some of the problems with the novels.  I appreciate the extent to which Meyer has elevated fan culture, and made an effort to acknowledge her own past mistakes.  I would love to be able to talk about my love for the series as a flawed but beautiful work of literature, but for now I’ll settle for asking that the world just let me enjoy it in peace.

[himbeaux-on-ice]

Sorry! Lehner had around a 10 minute rant today about how he feels like the NHL lied to the players about loosening up the restrictions placed on teams and forced teams to get the Covid Vaccine. ESPN and the New York Post released an article about it today.

(this is a follow-up on this ask)

Ah okay, I found a TSN article about it, which covers the fact that he also apologized for some of his remarks (mainly comparing the restrictions to being “like prison” which is a bit cringe when you’re a millionaire in a free hotel, yeah), and also significantly clarified some of the intent behind what he was trying to say at the presser:

I’m gonna put my full thoughts this under a cut because it’s ended up running pretty long and rambly, but tl;dr: after considering his more precisely clarified points here and with the perspective I know he’s coming from, I can honestly see and empathize with what Lehner seems to be expressing here about how the NHL has chosen to handle player vaccinations and informing them about what that means for the restrictions on their lives, and I actually don’t disagree with his criticisms overall. Some of the phrasing could have been better, but he’s acknowledged that too.

All in all, it sounds like the NHL may have done a poor job of honestly managing expectations around what vaccine rollout would mean for the extra restrictions placed on the players and their families with each team, and that they’re also up to some version of their usual NHL schtick of prioritizing some platonic ideal of Competitive Parity (remember “the Vancouver Canucks will play a 56 game season”, anyone?) above all else, even when that is no longer realistic and/or comes at the expense of the short-term and long-term mental and physical wellbeing of the players. Classic NHL.

Right, so, long thoughts are down here. Also gonna copy the majority of his comments directly because I think it’s worthwhile for people to read exactly what he said:

"As I’m frustrated like a lot of people in the world right now everything didn’t come out of today’s press in the right way," Lehner wrote. "Main point is that we need to start take the mental health important as well In this situation. It has a huge impact on everyone in society right now. To put competitive edge before well being of people's lives is wrong. As I said, people are struggling with many different things mentally and we need to consider that, as well. Then, being lied to makes it worse."

I love hockey and the league has done a lot of good things," Lehner continued. "But this missed the mark. My bad to say it’s like prison and I apologize, but with mental health issues that are developing in the world, it develops problems mentally. We will see exactly how this affects everything with time. I don’t mean to offend anyone. I hope we can all work together to help people that suffer through mental help from this going forward. I’ve heard how a lot of people are doing through this as people talk to me about it."

During his briefing, Lehner said that the league has misled the players about how vaccination will lead to the loosening of restrictions.

"They told me yesterday that they're surveying all of the teams to see who has taken the vaccine and who has not taken the vaccine and they're not going to change the rules for us as players until all of the teams have a fair [amount] of [vaccinated players] at the same time, so there's not a competitive edge," Lehner said. "And that made me go crazy, to be honest."

Lehner said the league is failing to look at its players as people first and lied to them about taking the vaccine.

"These are human lives and people are struggling with this stuff a lot in society and we are humans just as everyone else," Lehner said. "So there's a twofold problem for me here - the first one is we got promised something to take something that not necessarily everyone wanted. So that was lie - a blatant lie. Second, to put competitive edge over human lives in terms of going back - and I'm not saying we're going out to a party or whatever, but we had a meeting when the season started, at the beginning of camp, that pretty much told us we can't go outside of our house, can't do anything, can't go to the grocery store, can do nothing on the road. You can take a meal out of the meal room and go sit up in your room, don't be with your teammates, don't do this, don't do that. Nobody thinks about the mental impact."

The Gothenburg, Sweden native says his peers are struggling through this pandemic season.

"I know people will say, 'Oh, you're millionaires' and this and that or 'What about these guys?' but we care about that, too, man," Lehner said. "No matter what people think, this is a society problem. But when government, corporations, NHL, whoever are taking decisions in terms of irrelevant things like competitive edge over the human being? It's not okay."

It seems pretty clear to me from this article that his main issue isn’t really with getting the vaccine or being required to do so (my understanding is that it is still opt-in for all players, not mandatory. It’s that he doesn’t view the League as having provided players with a realistic expectation ahead of time for how being vaccinated would or would not change their daily reality. That they were led to believe that getting vaccinated would lead to things that didn’t end up happening, and therefore weren’t empowered to make an informed choice about when to get vaccinated.

The way he describes it, the League was not clear enough ahead of time about the fact that individual players being vaccinated would not make them individually exempt from league-wide restrictions, and this created a feeling of false hope about what getting vaccinated would mean in terms of not just having to stay in your house or hotel room literally all the time. If you were looking forward to getting vaccinated because you were led to believe it would mean finally not having to live in that isolated, mentally draining environment all the time, and then only found out at the last minute or after the fact that no, you actually still have to keep following all these rules that are making your life so isolated and difficult, that’s gotta be pretty emotionally jarring. If you were a player who was a little unsure about getting vaccinated quite yet (for whatever reason, including possibly being in a risk group for side-effects or just not wanting to get waylaid for a week with the smile symptoms it induces during a crucial stretch of games), but decided it was worth it for the tradeoff of getting back to a life that was less of a strain on your mental health, and then got told AFTER you made that decision and got the shot that no, that tradeoff isn’t happening the way you were made to expect it to, I think it would understandably piss you off.

It also sounds like part of what he has taken issue with is that, from the sounds of it rather than ease internal restrictions on a team-by-team basis as determined by each team’s vaccination rates (which would mean that if for example the Wild had 95% of their team vaccinated, the Wild only the Wild would get to start living a life with slightly less restrictions), the League is instead opting to say “no, we’re only going to ease the rules for EVERYONE at the same time once all teams have reached similar numbers of vaccinated players and staff to ea other, because we would see having different rules for different teams as giving some of them an unfair competitive edge”.

Lehner takes umbrage with this approach, because he thinks that focusing solely on “competitive edge” by making more-vaccinated teams keep having to live incredibly isolated lives (even isolated from vaccinated teammates) is a case of the League prioritizing parity over the toll that barely being able to interact with other people or leave their houses is taking on players’ mental health. And I can really really understand his point here. We have all seen what quarantine has done to our individual mental health, and even if they are millionaires, those impacts also exist for the players.

I actually just recently re-read the Athletic piece about the intense mental health and addiction struggles Lehner has gone through and done the incredibly difficult work of getting help for in the last five years. This man has fought incredibly hard and done a massive amount of therapy and other work to sort out his head, deal with his demons, and get himself to a place where he can cope and wants to be alive. That kind of recovery journey is a battle which will continue for the rest of your life and requires constant maintenance practices (again, speaking from experience). He also spent most of this season not even getting to be around the team at all, stuck at home recovering from a concussion (which usually involves doing frustratingly little and waiting around impatiently in dimly lit rooms for your brain to heal). And now, upon returning to the team, road games mean more time spent sitting in a room trying not to be bored out of your skull, while possibly also having to have some limits on things like screen time as a post-concussion precaution.

Imagine being somebody like him, who has spent a lot of time working very hard to build up a lifestyle and a system of coping mechanisms in recent years which have allowed him to live a healthier and happier life, to then be thrown back into an isolated and highly restricted new lifestyle where probably at least half of all those habits and norms and support systems are taken out of reach, that has to be incredibly difficult (I’ve experienced something similar myself this year). Especially when you haven’t been able to even go and be with the team in the dressing room, or probably even do anything with your family that classes above “mildly strenuous”, because you’re out for six weeks recovering from a concussion, which is its own mental and physical health battle. And then, you are apparently given the impression from the League that “hey, if you’re willing to get vaccinated, that will lead to you being able to return to some semblance of a life that is less taxing on your psyche”, and you agreed to do so even if you were perhaps cautious about getting the vaccine before, because you’d rather accept whatever risk comes with the shot than gamble on keeping your sanity together for however much longer this isolation drags on, only to then find out that “actually no, even if your team and staff is entirely vaccinated you still have to spend most of your time sitting alone in rooms trying not to sink into a spiral of dangerous depression until other teams in other states with different vaccination programs are also immunized to similar levels, and our only real reasoning for holding that mental relief out of reach is mostly based on ‘competitive parity’”.

Yeah, I absolutely understand why he would feel very frustrated and even betrayed by that course of action! For Lehner, it’s not about competitive edges or the game on the ice, it’s about having made the decision to get vaccinated at this time with the understanding that it would allow access to an at least slightly less mentally taxing lifestyle, only to find out later that the League seemingly never intended to follow through on providing that despite you holding up your end of the deal. And it sounds like he is speaking for a number of other players beyond just himself who are also struggling with their mental health in these conditions. Even if he himself is managing to cope because of what he’s learned in his recovery, he would certainly be well-positioned to recognize signs in the people around him that they are struggling in ways that may be similar to what he went though before, and know how dire that can spiral into being.

Look, I don’t think Robin Lehner ever expected to be allowed to go out and lick people’s eyeballs or wander the supermarket maskless once vaccinated, but you heard the description of how intensely restrictive the NHL’s rules for players off-ice lives during COVID are. They are far more intense than the rules being enforced for non-NHL individuals in many of the same cities and states, because the NHL is trying to bring risk as close to zero as possible. And if you were a player told that being vaccinated was going to reduce contagion risks enough to mean that right away the NHL would finally let you and your teammates from “can’t go anywhere or see anyone, eat your dinner in your hotel room and try not to be depressed about it” to “you can go to the store with a mask on. you can eat meals with your also-vaccinated teammates. you can visit your parents or siblings while social-distancing/masking. you can spend free time around other people and/or in more public spaces without being chaperoned constantly by team staff. you can sit next to your also-vaccinated teammates on the plane/bus. you can hang out with them in their room”, and THEN later were told “sorry, we’re not actually going to let you do that yet. not for COVID reasons but rather because we worry not being totally miserable shut-ins will give you a competitive edge over that team in another state who aren’t getting vaccinated as quickly”. That has to feel like a slap in the face in terms of how much the league actually cares about your well-being or about being honest in its role in your personal medical decisions. Perhaps when he says “forced” he is expressing a feeling of being stuck between choosing “either get vaccinated or let your mental health keep degrading in isolation”, only to find out that making the deal doesn’t get you the relief you were promised.

Idk I feel like I’m repeating myself a lot here trying to circle in on my precise point bc my brain is a little scrambled today, but like. If the players made their decisions to consent to vaccination (at this time, with whatever version of the shot was offered, under whatever circumstances they may have going on personally or medically) based on one understanding of the situation, and then NHL really said “lol NOPE actually that was a false premise” and changed things after the fact, that’s kinda an informed consent issue and I think he’s right to call it fucked up! And everything he says about how mentally taxing such a super-isolated lifestyle is honestly only repeats worries I myself had right from the moment the “stay in your hotel room alone” rule was announced — that the League may be underestimating the toll (especially with some of the long road trips this season) that forcing players to live in total isolation like that was going to have on individual wellbeing and team morale.

Robin’s comments this morning could have been put better, but as somebody who has ADHD and who knows about bipolar disorder, I know emotions for folks with brains like ours can run fast and intense and sometimes lead to not always planning out every word as precisely and you might later have liked to once that moment has passed. The fact that he apologized for the less tactful part of the comment and sought to clarify his words tells me he’s thought a lot about this and wasn’t happy with how he expressed his thoughts initially. Also, while his English is very good, you can sometimes forget it isn’t his first language, Swedish is — some thoughts don’t translate exactly as they sounded in your head. That said, also Robin Lehner one of the more outspoken NHL players about mental health issues in recent years, and he also doesn’t seem like the type of guy to mince his words or tiptoe around a point — I’m not surprised he’s the person expressing these concerns about mental health, and I’m not surprised he was a bit blunt about it either lol.

All in all, it sounds like the NHL did a poor job of managing expectations around what vaccine rollout would mean for the players and their families, and that they’re also up to their usual NHL schtick of prioritizing some platonic ideal of Competitive Parity (remember “the Vancouver Canucks will play a 56 game season”, anyone?) above all else, even when that is no longer realistic and/or comes at the expense of the short-term and long-term mental and physical wellbeing of the players. Classic NHL.

(also: the New York Post is a right-leaning sensationalist rag 90% of the time. take all spin it puts on things with a grain of salt)

[alolanrain]

Found Family!AU *Christmas Edition* Pt.2

Imagine Opal dealing with Madam Boss and bby Giovanni

Gio learns all his baking skills from his Aunt Opal

But his mother hated her sister with a passion

So he doesn’t see her often

When Madam Boss dies, it’s a bloody gory mess, he’s the first one to call her

“I have a son.” Is his hello, because I’m not making Giovanni and utter asshole in this AU he’s going to love Ash from a distance and actually steps down from Team Rocket the first time Ash stops him

And Opal is like, “P l e a s e let it be with that Female Kanto Trainer you brought to Galar that one Christmas, she’s such a sweet heart.”

And Opal finds out it is!!!

She puts her foot down on choosing the name bc Giovanni is fucking HORRIBLE with names and Delia was so tired and stressed a lot during the pregnancy to the point she couldn’t get a lot of shit down for the baby’s

Ash forces reluctant Grunkle Kabu to come to Alola for a week to meet up with extremely reluctant Grunkle Nanu

NANU AND KABU ARE EX-BOYFRIENDS

And Ash doesn’t even KNOW

Acerola kinda knows bc there’s this one picture her Uncle Nanu has at his desk at the police station next to a frame of her parents, him, and Acerola as a baby

She never commented on it and catches Nanu either looking at it with such a warm smile or either a really pained look in his eyes

it was a friendly split up

Both got to busy

And just had to let go

But it still hurt them a lot

ALLISTER AND ACEROLA ARE GHOST BESTIES

No but I’m expanding on the relationship of Bby! Ash and Gary with the older Head Chairman, who I’m naming Diego Thorn, and Younger!Rose, and finally Younger!Kabu

I’m hc that the Chairman BEFORE Chairman Thorn was named Theo Grass

So it’s kinda like earth, grass, thorn, then rose

Because it’s the pretty things in life that are truly poisonous

grumpy Grunkles are getting back together with the help of Ash, Gary, and the Ghost baby’s

the only reason why Kabu is considered a Grunkle is because both Ash and Gary seemed to have fucking LOVED him so much and he fathered Delia a lot since her own family was shit

So he’s the honorary Grunkle while Nanu IS Ash’s Grunkle bc yes tf Nanu is Giovanni’s Uncle but he’s really distant so he never actually found out Ash was his great Nephew until Ash at the age of 20-something came stumbling into his police station with wide whisky brown eyes and shocking black hair and a jaw line that seemed to familiar that Nanu could never forget

Chairman Thorn ALWAYS Came down from his work place, dragging Rose and his own assistant/secretary, Milly, to see bby Ash and Gary bc he’s a really big family man and the two boys absolutely adore him as much as Thorn adored them

And Delia was so afraid at first that Opal would nearly be/ or just plain be the same as Madam Boss and hurt the poor girl but it’s quite the opposite

Opal spoiled her SO HARD, she was the one to make sure that Delia and Gio had everything they could need for Bby Ash’s arrival and afterwards

And both women found out that they share a deep love for winter in general

So they start small traditions that they then pass down to Ash and Gary, because the Oaks get sucked into this bc Professor Oak can’t say no and Daisy loves Delia like the mom she barely remembers

And Opal is just like “Yes more great grand babies.”

And she was there for Delia when Giovanni left Ash and Delia, yes she was absolutely ROYALY pissed at her Nephew, but she also knew why Gio did what he did

Because he did the best thing to protect her, Ash, and by extent the Oaks as well

Because he fathered Gary and Daisy as much as Delia mothered them

But it because a tradition to bring the kids up to Galar to see Graunty Opal and Grunkle Kabu and spend the second week of December all the way to a week after New Years there

So like almost a whole month of family lovin’ time

BUT IMAGINE BBY ASH WADDLING INTO THE GYM FEILD AND CLINGING ONTO OPAL WHOS TALKING TO LEON/RAIHAN/OR BOTH BEFORE THEIR GYM BATTLE

AND SHE NEEDS TO GRAB SOMTHING BUT ASH IS CLINGING ONTO HER LEG SO OPAL JUST S C O O P S HIM UP AND HANDS HIM OVER TO THE TRAINER(S) AND IS LIKE “brb gotta go get some stuff before hand” AND JUST L E A V E S THEM THERE WITH BBY ASH WHO HAS JUST STARTED ASKING QUESTIONS AND HAS FALLEN SO HARD IN LOVE WITH POKÉMON

Raihan would just inwardly panic bc he’s never been good with baby’s before

But damn OH DAMN does Leon start bouncing Ash up and down while trying his best to answer Ash’s questions because he absolutely ADORES children at Ash’s age and wants to get better bc his mom and dad are thinking about having another kid and he wants to be the BEST big brother that he can be

Then Gary waddles over bc he couldn’t find Ash and Gary’s suppose to stick by Ash’s side to make sure the younger boy doesn’t get hurt

Raihan would start to panic even more bc there’s TWO babies now

But Leon would be ecstatic because there’s T W O BABIES NOW

HHH SO THEN COUSIN LEON BECOMES A THING

BUT ITS A SHORT THING BC ASH HAS TK GO BACK HOME AND HE DOESNT SEE LEON ANYMORE

but then he comes back with Gou in tow and the first part of the HC happens and then he sees Leon again

And everyone just watches Leon gush’s about how Ash and Gary were so cute as toddlers and then Ash recalls and just screams “COUSIN L!!!!” Because as a Bby he couldn’t pronounce Leon’s full name

And Hop is like “w h a t”

BUT ALSO IMAGINE NEWLY GRANTED GYM LEADER PIERS BEING BROUGHT OVER TO OPALS HOUSE FOR CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEARS BECAUSE HIS FAMILY IS S H I T AND HE MEETS ASH AND GARY

DELIA KINDA SUBCONSCIOUSLY BECOMES A MOM TO PEIRS DURING THAG MONTH AND ASH IS LIKE

“Y A S ANOTHER SIBLING!!!!!”

And then Piers gets abducted every year until Delia and Ash stop showing up bc their busy with work/traveling

Until, again, Ash comes back with Gou in tow and Gary gets guilted to come up to Galar

And he sees Piers and just gives the man a cheeky smile and then sees Marnie kinda hiding behind Piers and thinks “Ah yes, new sibling #5,437”

And Marnie latches on faster to Ash than Piers has seen her ever do to anyone else bc she’s been grown up on the wild things Ash would get Piers and another boy into before he stopped coming back to Galar every winter

Bede also gains Brotherly Love bc his family kicked him out for being trans and Ash was having NONE OF THAT bc he’s trans himself

I’m thinking about having Ash and Gary together since this AU is kinda like my AM!AU but not really

Still debating on that

But no My favorite part has to be the competition between all the League officials, except Rose bc he’s an asshole, to get the best seasonal themed picture/video with the trio bc OF COURSE Gou is immediately adopted into the family and becomes Ash’s little sibling

Even people like Allister and Bae get into it

Like there’s a picture Melony took for Allister that had Ash lofting the boy up so he could place the star on the small Christmas tree at their gym lobby with Gou and Gary helping to place other decorations on it

Or Bae’s selfie of the Trio with her together with a snowman that looks like a certain Galar Champion, stolen cape and all

Gou fears for a while that they were all just being awkwardly nice about it until Kabu find them out at night behind Opals mansion they were staying at and gently nudges the truth towards them that they actually LIKE having Gou with them and participating with their family shenanigans and other shit and that they ARE family now because do you honestly think Delia is going to let go of you know? Because she sure as hell hasn’t let go of Kahuna Nanu in Alola

God when Ash brings all his friends who don’t have Good Families over it becomes even more Chaotic

Opals like “WHAT DO YOU M E A N YOU NEVER BAKED COOKIES UNTIL THREE IN THE MORNING?????”

And Lillie and Melony talk about ice types over a cup of hot coco why Allister, Bae, and a shit ton of other people are loosing their mind over Silvally because it can change TYPING W T F GLADION

and Ash is like “oh it’s Silvally!” And Gary would be intrigued but Ash literally shares EVERYTHING with him so he can meet the Pokémon another time when Gladion isn’t so bombarded by people bc the blonde was so used to people in Alola who are used to seeing Silvally that he forgot Alola is definitely not like everywhere else

Hhh Serena, May, Dawn, Zoey, and a bunch of other girls talking with Opal, Oleana, and other female League members about fashion and the younger girls find out that the Women watch their performances religiously bc Ash flippantly said something and that got them interested now they can’t stop watch them

IRIS AND RAIHAN DUKING IT OUT ON THE BATTLE FEILD BC IRIS SAID HER DEAGONITE IS STRONGER AND BETTER THAN RAIHANS FLYGON AND HES LIKE “B E T YOU TINER FUCKER!!!!”

RAIHAN DUKING IT OUT WITH DRAYDEN, because he’s still cousins with Delia in this AU, AND W I N N I N G

So it’s canon, from the new Pokémon game app, that Iris is Leon and Hops cousin

So now Leon just rounds on Ash and is so confused bc Iris talked about this one boy name Ash with a Pikachu who acts like such a kid over face time but Leon didn’t make the connection it was THIS Ash she was traveling with

Hhh snuggle piles in the living room after a fun day outside building forts and what not

Like Ash is dead center in the kids pile bc he’s a kid at heart and Gary’s legs are thrown over his shoulder a bc Ash is in a blanket fort/nest with the other younger kids while Gary is pressed between Delia and Daisy

Opal is curled with Serena bc she’s currently getting deets in the fairy world in Kalos

PROFESSOR OAK TALKING TO MELONY ABOUT ICE TYPES BC HE USED TO BE AN ICE TYPE TRAINER BEFORE COMING KANTOS PROFESSOR

All the younger trainers are so focused on the movies as the adults just talk quietly in the background

And Gou is laying over Ash’s lap while on their phone and Ash doesn’t say anything even though his legs are falling asleep

Idk I’m gonna have Lance as Delia’s brother in this AU

But that doe NOT stop him from acting like Ash’s uncle because Ash ripped Lances two titles out from under him in three years

Leon has been Champion for 20-something years instead of the in game 10 Years

So that it could be plausible that Trainer!Leon and Bby!Ash/Gary could meet each other

[puppyluver256]

Underworld Ultimatum: The Quest for the Hottest Hades

So I mentioned in a previous big text post that I have some Very Strong Opinions on the interpretation of Greek god Hades shown in Disney’s Hercules film, and now I’m gonna talk about those opinions dammit! But let’s make it a little interesting. I always believe that if you can’t say something nice you shouldn’t say anything at all, so I’m also going to use this as an opportunity to talk about a Hades that I do enjoy. It’s a competition, babey! The Underworld Ultimatum! Or, if you’re preferring to reference a property one of these guys is in, the Hades Cup! (though to be fair this is less of a true competition and more of me showing why I like one and not the other)

First off, it’s the guy who inspired this, give it up foooor...

Disney’s Hades!

First of all, the guy’s design might’ve seemed cool back in the day, but looking back on him he’s kinda bland. Grey toga with accents of other greys, blue deathly pallor, nasty teeth... The flame hair is a pretty good concept, but considering the ancient Greek idea of the underworld probably wasn’t fire-themed I don’t know if it was an appropriate choice.  ❌

Speaking of that flame hair, he commits the crime of “blue fire is totally cooler than red fire you guys what is physics?” nonsense. Anyone who puts even the tiniest bit of research in knows that, disregarding chemical compounds that affect flame color, blue flames are hotter than red/orange/yellow flames. Yeah, from an artistic perspective it seems counterintuitive, and blue flames work better with his standard palette, but even with that in consideration they couldn’t’ve made it so his flames turned white when he got angry rather than orange? Lazy... ❌

This is a problem with the Hercules film overall, but this feels like a christianized take on the ancient Grecian pantheon, with a much less horny Zeus in the place of the christian god and Hercules as sort of a Jesus figure. In line with this, Hades is portrayed as an equivalent to Satan and thus is shown to be undeniably evil. This is inaccurate to the actual mythology of Hades, where (and someone with a better scope of Greek mythology can either back me up or refute me on this) he was just a dude who ran the underworld and had no real malicious intent. But of course, a character is themed around death, they have to be a completely irredeemable villain. ❌

AND continuing the villain thing! He ugly, at least according to western society standards and especially compared to the hero and leading lady who are conventionally attractive by those same standards. This is continuing a long Disney tradition that a villain should be ugly. He’s evil, thus he doesn’t get to visit the dentist. ❌

His goals are basically just the same as every other villain, take over the world with some big strong brutes that are locked away by a supposedly benevolent horndog. Well, specifically Olympus, but considering that’s where the gods live and his brief rule subjugates the GODS, if he’d been in the head for longer he’d basically rule the world. Boring, bland, think of something else for once. Or at least have a good reason other than “I’m the villain, world domination for me!” ❌

There’s no real satisfying tension between him as a villain and the hero! His initial direct action against Hercules happens when he’s an infant (speaking of, dude actively tries to kill an infant), and then the next direct interaction between them is like nearly 20 years later and Herc has no knowledge of who this guy is and how big of a threat he’s been this whole time. Call me crazy, but I feel a villain is more effective when the protag is aware of the threat they pose for longer than just “oh he showed up today and apparently he’s been trying to kill me since I was a baby and now he’s got my girl??? guess he’s a bad guy” ❌

Following this point, there’s no satisfying confrontation between Hades and Herc that works to finish off the conflict between them. The major battle that Herc has against him is mainly against the titans, and iirc the only thing that he does to him in the “grabbing Meg’s soul from the soul pool brb” section is punch him in the face. I don’t remember any direct action that Herc does to cause Hades to fall into his soul pool. ❌

He’s voiced by James Woods, who is a major jerk. I’m not going into detail here as this is already long-winded enough, and Google is free. ❌

He’s got Cerberus, as any good interpretation of Hades should. That’s a plus! ✅ Though this Cerberus seems to be based on the “generic mean dog breed” aesthetic, and also I hated fighting this guy in Kingdom Hearts (the original, not the final mix with updated controls, OOF), which leads me toooo...

The guy THEN proceeds to smear his presence all over nearly every Kingdom Hearts game! Like, you’re not needed! Get out! Leave some room for better Disney villains!!! ❌

So nine bads, one good, and that “good” only comes from me liking dogs.

Next up, we have a more recent contender to the Hades mythos in modern media. Showing up outta nowhere in the first entry into a classic series for 21 years, let’s bring our hands together fooooor...

Kid Icarus Uprising’s Hades!

First off...look at this man. Look at this man! Hell yeah that is my aesthetic! Look at all the chaotic colors, the wild anime-esque hair, aaaaa! Amazing design! I would ask someone to get me the name of Uprising’s character designer so I can shake their hand and tell ‘em they did a wonderful job on the Hades look, but they’re probably Japanese and I don’t know a lick of it. Maybe someone at NoA could pass on my compliments... ✅

He does have a flame head form at some point with blue flames, but it doesn’t become red to show his anger so there’s no more of a violation of physics then the rest of his insides are. ✅ And that’s the real problem I have with Disney’s Hades for this particular point, if you’re going to violate physics at least have some damn fun with it instead of just thinking that cooler fire is hotter just because it’s made of warmer colors.

While this Hades is also irredeemably evil, there’s no weird christ-washing of Greek mythology going on here, because the Japanese generally don’t do that sort of thing when throwing a bunch of other culture’s mythologies together. Sure, Kid Icarus includes a lot of Greek mythology elements (Medusa, Thanatos, Pandora, arguably Palutena being based on Athena, among others), but it also incorporates a lot of original elements, such as the Forces of Nature who are not based on any specific Greek gods, the Chaos Kin, the Aurum, freaking space pirates?! And in regards to the Aurum, this Hades is able to put differences aside in order to help the other factions around at the time defeat the Aurum so there’s that! ...though he’s not exactly the best team player, hehehe... ✅

While he does show up out of nowhere after the defeat of the initially perceived villain, Medusa, once he debuts Hades is a constant presence. He’s almost always poking his head into the dialogue to taunt Pit, make some quip or joke, flirt with a female character, give a dastardly threat. Everyone’s always aware of exactly what kind of threat he poses! Good villain writing! ✅

But yeah, speaking of that, he does do the whole “initial villain wasn’t the real villain SURPRISE BITCH” thing that I’m not that fond of. Call it lingering resentment from Twilight Princess where Zant was basically thrown away in favor of bringing Ganondorf back. ❌

This Hades also doesn’t seem to have a Cerberus. Twinbellows is a Thing, yes, but they never show up in the same instance in time. The real Twinbellows is dealt with in the first chapter of Uprising, and the fake version of Twinbellows that shows up in chapter 9 is dealt with LONG before Hades reveals himself. ❌

His goal is to use the souls of everyone and everything that’s died to increase the ranks of his army and in the process throw off the natural order of things, which honestly makes sense as a goal for a malevolent death god. It’s helped by the fact that there’s really no one “good” faction in this game, everyone has their own self interests and Palutena’s just the one that’s most kind to humanity and Pit, who is the protag we experience the game’s events through and thus passes on a little of his bias. ✅

Oh, you want satisfying hero/villain confrontation? The boss battle against him takes up a whole chapter and oooohhhh boy is it a good’un. Do yourself a favor and look up the battle on YouTube, or to avoid a lot of spoilers and gain a lot of context, do yourself an even bigger favor and look up Chuggaconroy’s whole Uprising playthrough. The man goes into detail about everything of this game, not just its characters and basic gameplay. ✅

He eats Pit at one point, and then that whole chapter takes place in his innards. Ew. Gross. ❌

He’s voiced by S. Scott Bollock in the English dub and Hōchū Ōtsuka in the Japanese original. I don’t know whether either of ‘em are jerks, but I doubt they’re as bad as James Woods soooooo... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Setting aside cameos like being a spirit in Smash Ultimate, this Hades has only had a significant appearance in a single piece of media. Even though it’s a tad bittersweet, he doesn’t overstay his welcome, unlike another Hades. ✅

That’s 7 goods, 3 bads, and a shrug. The winner is clear! KI Hades is the victor! Or at least it’s obvious that I prefer him over the Disney version. Rant over, thanks for sticking through my ramblin’ goofballery. It was fun at least, right? I had fun. :D

[beybladeimagines]

Formerly Yeoitspidge (idk seemed like an important thing to say lmfao) but can I get a crack ship Bryan/Spencer hc??? Or like Michael/Johnny????

Mod Note: d ID SOMEONE SAY CRACK SHIPS? on my fuckin way honey, yes.

Despite his strong and stoic appearance, Spencer prides himself on being the most responsible person within the group. He is incredible at analyzing others, assessing their personalities, and talking people down from their emotional highs. Because of this, he is the best candidate to tag along with Bryan, because he often watches over Bryan to ensure that he doesn’t do anything too illegal. Against his better judgement, he does tag along with Bryan whenever the man feels like going out or getting his chaotic fix. Spencer knows better than to tell him not to do anything stupid, so he figures that by always being by his side, he can interfere with necessary. Initially, Bryan interpreted Spencer’s actions as someone trying to get in his way, but eventually he realized that Spencer was one of the few people in his life that actually cared about him. Although Bryan’s bond with Tala is pretty strong, it’s not like Tala actually goes out of his way to stop Bryan from somehow hurting himself. Spencer seems to be the only one who prevents a fist fight from happening, takes a few punches on Bryan’s behalf, and still tends to Bryan’s wounds when it’s all over.

Spencer sacrifices himself a lot for Bryan. When Bryan is ever in trouble with the law, Spencer covers for him and has even taken the fall for him on certain occasions. Spencer has also willingly gotten himself into physical altercations if he knew that Bryan was unable to finish the battle himself. By no means does he think that Bryan is weak, he’s just aware of how reckless he can be and therefore wants to protect him. Some might consider him a fool for how giving he is, but he doesn’t really expect much in return. Bryan has already given him the friendship and loyalty he initially craved, so he sees his actions as a fair trade. Bryan is constantly confused by Spencer’s actions. He understands that their team has history and dark foundations, but he always expects everyone to kind of go off on their own. Because Bryan is so immersed in Spencer’s selfless acts, he doesn’t mind being around him and it makes him think twice about what kind of situations he gets into. Although he loves anarchy, Bryan starts to feel regret each time he sees Spencer getting hurt. But, all at once, he has to admit that Spencer does look good when he’s got someone else’s blood on him.

Their first kiss was spontaneous and surprisingly lead by Spencer. There are many times when Bryan simply lashes out about something and goes on a verbal tirade. After a very exhausting evening, Spencer didn’t have the emotional and mental energy to really give Bryan the talk down that he needed. Instead, he slowly arose from his seat, walked towards the fuming blader, and immersed all of himself into Bryan. Arms were wrapped around his body, pressure was applied, and soon his lips found themselves against a mouth that ounce moved a mile a minute. For once, there was actual silence between the two and Spencer was basking in the lack of sound more so than the actual kiss. If it were anyone else, Bryan would’ve pulled away in a heated frenzy, but he actually didn’t mind the sensation of someone against him in that moment. He even managed to forget what he was so angry about in the first place. But, this did prove to be a very dangerous action... Because now that he knows Spencer will kiss him to keep him from going crazy, he does tend to act out just a bit more.

Imagine a dumpster fire. No, but in all seriousness, these two most likely met at a party. Initially, those kinds of gatherings weren’t Johnny’s style, but he heard that American’s throw pretty crazy parties and he wanted to see what it was like for himself. Michael was the first person to greet him. He usually doesn’t stick around for strangers, but he was pretty amused by the sudden curiosity evident on Johnny’s face. In an effort to get him to stay, these two ended up doing some pretty wild, stupid, and crazy things just to maintain that aura of entertainment. Both of them managed to jump in a pool with their clothes on (and eventually with the clothes off), they broke a table, and they turned everything into a challenge. Michael has never had so much fun with someone, so he actually made an effort to get Johnny’s name and number before the night was over. Since then, Michael invites him out often, but he hasn’t made much of an effort to get to know him beyond the surface level stuff (like his name and the memories they made). Neither of them really know who one another is or the fame associated with their identities. They just like existing within each other’s presence.

As mentioned before, they like to turn anything and everything into a competition. But, for once, neither of them take it too seriously. In other words, if the other loses, they actually just end up laughing about it instead of embracing rage. They do things like who can eat the most pizza slices, who can get the most numbers at a party, who can hold their breath the longest, etc. It’s through Michael that Johnny is learning to really let loose and have fun instead of thinking that everything and everyone is out to get him. Rage is converted into eccentric energy - he’s having a good time instead of being unnecessarily antagonistic and wrathful. Although they’re both a little wild, they look out for one another and just want each other to live their best life. But, it’s also during those wild moments that both of them start to truly evaluate their feelings for one another. They’re not the types to typically develop attachments to anything because they’re constantly on the move. So to have very persistent feelings for someone else is something very new that they both are struggling to explore.

Their first kiss was on Michael’s last night in Europe. They were both returning from a party and trying to sneak back into the hotel without getting caught. The entire time they’re trying to get to their room, they’re trying to suppress laughter and they keep saying something that triggers the other’s amusement. Initially, Johnny just wanted to say goodbye and see where Michael was staying, but the moment he stood at that door frame, he felt the biggest urge to crash his lips into Michael’s. Michael didn’t hesitate to respond. Instinct took over and he wrapped his arms around Johnny, basically pulling him into the room. They ended up making out against everything - the door, the wall, the fridge, the desk, and anything that basically had a stable foundation. When it was over, I just envision Michael asking Johnny if he’ll remember his name. When Johnny says “after all that, yeah”, Michael simply responds with, “good. Eventually I’ll have you saying it more often.” Johnny isn’t the type to get flustered, so he instead takes the flirting as a challenge. It seems they both intend to see who can make the other miss them the most. 

[cruddyborderlandstheories]

Punk Girl/Civil War Submission by The Wild West Pyro

Heyo, good morning/afternoon/evening/night

My friend on discord (The Wild West Pyro) had an absolutely mind-blowing theory concerning who the band ‘Punk’ Girl is, why she’s important to the story, and how she will lead to the rift in the Calypso Twins relationship. I don’t want to spoil anything for you guys, so I’m just going to dive right in.

(A majority of this will be directly from our conversation, with [some edits by me] to help with context and add in pictures.)

Here we go!

So we figured Punk Girl is in some way related to the CoV, or the cult in general, as she makes an appearance on what seems to be a cult-centric shirt on the gearboxloot instagram page (more credit to @ifalnasminiatures for providing me with this link!) 

“Well, there are [a few] ways this could go:

Punk is linked to the COV and is intended to spread their message even further with the typical subliminal brainwashing thing. So they can broadcast outside of the planets the Cult has a presence on.

It’s a sore subject between the Twins, but one they hide rather well. The girl is related to them, she’s just considered by one of them as “that disgrace who refused to reclaim the birthright and ran off to join a band instead, ugh.”

She’s a band that works for the Cult sometimes. But in fact, she’s the eyes and ears of the Alliance within the Cult. Best of all is that she’s directly related to the Twins. Secretly, she disapproves of what they’re doing, but she’s the Alliance’s best hope of what’s going on.”

[That last one is the one he goes over the most, and it’s super interesting.]

“The Twins never suspect that the spy was in fact the one closest to their hearts.”

[my response: It would explain why there are no other bosses on the MoM that we know of (excluding the twins bc those are guaranteed), because she’s never going to become a fight even tho she looks the part]

“Also, [regarding] the last bit of your post, it’s just asking for a sidequest where it’s revealed that all the Gen 3.0 VHs known how to play some sick bass.

Punk Girl: ‘Hey, my bass guy is sick, can you take over?’

Zane: ‘FECK YEAH’”

[We talk a bit here about a Scott Pilgrim-esque Battle of the Bands, with Mr. Torgue as the competition, so there’s a bit of a transition that’s missing.]

“Hey, you know how Athena encrypted her messages between Engorge commercials? Punk Girl cleverly hides her messages in her music or backmasking. That’s how she sends her info to the Vault Hunters.

The twins never suspect a thing, and when she finally reveals she’s been working for Lilith, they’re genuinely shocked- and then the rift develops. One sibling would want to protect the girl, the other would want to punish her. The twins seem extremely close, so I personally feel it’d be odd if one of them up and betrayed the other [without outside influence].

It would be a great twist, too. Jack always had something planned out to trip up the Vault Hunters. But Lilith has learned much within these seven years. It turns out, Lilith is far better at pulling the strings than we ever thought Tyreen was.

Also, when Punk Girl reveals that she’s a spy for the Alliance (likely mid-game), this happens:

Tyreen screaming “YOU BITCH” amongst other horrible things and ECHOing up Punk Girl to verbally abuse her for hours, which continues through the rest of the game.

Troy trying to gently persuade his youngest sister to “Please come back” and “I don’t want to kill you”, attempting to smooth-talk her back into supporting the Cult. He keeps on ECHOing her gift baskets.

The twins arguing with each other over the fate of Punk Girl. Which, if done right, could potentially lead to a civil war within the Cult…

And to think it was all over a nice girl in a cool band.

Of course, both Troy and Tyreen are trying to kill the Alliance still, they’re just now divided over the fate of the girl and who’s gonna get the power of the vaults.

Which would add a human layer to it all- in the end, it’s just two selfish children squabbling over some big, universe-shattering toys. Albeit with billions of lives ended in the crossfire.

The war predicted by the Watcher was terrible. Zarpedon said so as well.

And, honestly, nothing’s more brutal and vicious than a civil war several galaxies-wide.”

[It was at this point that I absolutely lost my shit (in a good way) bc goddamn bro]

“Ideally, Tyreen goes out of her way to harass, demean and try to ruin poor Punk Girl’s life, and the [Crimson Raider] Alliance have to help her stand emotionally as Punk Girl undergoes a truly horrible campaign of cyberbullying, physical assault, very violent death threats and actual attacks on her band members. Tyreen mobilizes all her loyal followers to just try to hurt Punk Girl on whatever way they can.

Troy is a little different. He’s supposed to represent the streamer who manipulates fans into giving him what he wants, or scams folks by pretending to be disabled or whatever. Or the handsome fellow who’s a total self-centered jackass on the inside, but charms many people’s hearts nonetheless. So he tries to subtly brainwash Punk Girl into returning over to the Cult, and sweet-talking her to try and get her back on his sides. He’s like the caring, warm big brother on the surface, but really he just wants a new loyal sibling at his side, someone he can control far more easily. Troy’s promises are extremely alluring, his followers appear to be proposing an alliance with the Raiders (which Lilith refuses at all costs) and it’s going to be difficult for Punk Girl to resist his brainwashing techniques and honeyed words.

Basically, protect Lilith’s most treasured and loyal agent, including asking out Atlas and maybe other friendly corporations for favors to protect Punk Girl and her bodyguards (the new VHs). Bonus points if Punk Girl really is a latent Siren or something, and her power has to be safeguarded.”

[So, we know the unknown Sirens (there are two atm) are, if we understand Siren powers correctly: 12 and 7 at the time of bl3. 

HOWEVER. It’s been stated by Danny Homan that there are multiple ways for someone to receive Siren powers: 

The most important part of this exchange is the idea that, in universe, somehow, existing people can become Sirens. Now, I am not sure if this is solely through other Siren powers (Tyreen), or Vault bullshitery, or if they just wake up one day with the tattoos, but according to Homan, it’s definitely possible. In fact, I would go so far as to say the writers are keeping things intentionally vague for this reason.

What I’m trying to reason here is that even if Punk Girl is older than 12 or 7 (odds are she is, if she’s in a band!), she could still be a Siren, just that she got her powers at a later age, like 11 or so, meaning she’d be about 23 or 18 in BL3, respectively]

“If Angel does return, and Punk Girl is going through utter hell thanks to the twins, Angel will be the finest confidant and greatest friend she’ll ever have. Angel went through similar treatment at the hands of Jack, and she’s not going to let another girl with wings get hurt again. 

I mean, most of Punk Girl’s story arc would be heartbreaking, as it really seems like the Twins have fully turned their wrath on her rather than Lilith and the Alliance. Luckily, the Vault Hunters are there to act as her shield. Like, whenever you pass her in the ship, your character can give a random line of encouragement in the really tough times she’s going through, or something like that. 

And if Punk Girl turns out to be the final Siren after all, Lilith, Angel, and Maya would all ensure that she’d never be hurt like they were in the past. 

As the abuse Punk Girl would be receiving is from her own blood relations, [it] would be far more painful for someone to experience.

Now, for how the corporations may get involved, they’ll probably just start by trying to exploit this new galactic-wide civil war (especially as it’s hinted that the Twins do mass brainwashing or something [in the] Psycho character guide), then throwing each others’ armies at their rivals in support of one Twin or another. Although I’d imagine that Atlas and maybe Jakobs would stay out of it. [In addition], the Hyperion analyst in Moze’s ECHO from Commander Lily has dialogue that implies that all the corporations are preparing in case a Second Corporate War breaks out, since the first one essentially made the BL universe what it is now.

There we go, we have the war set up, as entire populations turn on each other, having become psychos pledging undying loyalty to one of the Twins. It’s going to be a mess.

[To end] on a comical level:

Maya: (hugging both [Ava and Punk Girl]) I love my dumpster children.

[Also:]

Tyreen, with this red background and thrash metal playing in the background and “angry war face” makeup: HEY MY WHORE OF A LITTLE SISTER, YOU ARE A [insert hate speech from evil liverstreamer gremlin here].

Troy, in a fancy suit and in a warm armchair with a fireplace roaring behind him: Hello, little sister. You remember the time we played at the beach together? Well… [insert sentimental tale of sibling love and fun here that is really a thinly veiled plea to rejoin the Cult].

That’s it, that’s both their streams from that point on.”

[I don’t have much to add, to be honest. This was great.

I love the whole thing, all the way down to his characterization of everyone involved. I can totally see Tyreen being the loud, explosive one out of the two, with Troy being quieter, but far more manipulative. I think it would contrast nicely with their designs and what people might be expecting from them, especially with how Troy is the big one with his cybernetics and always scowling, and Tyreen is shorter, always smirking and looking like she’s in control. It’d be so funny to see those two roles reversed and I really, really hope that’s the plan. Especially after the reveal that Troy is the one with the braincell lmao.

The idea that this small incident could end up causing a huge, brutal war, not just between the twins, but the corporations as well, is great. We know the Watcher claims ‘war is coming’, and this would help explain what we should expect. It would be very interesting if we needed to pick a side of aid at the start of the fight (i do imagine this will be Troy if The Wild West Pyro’s characterization of the twins is true), then turn on that side once the other is eliminated.

Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed this as much as I do!! Massive credit to The Wild West Pyro for literally all of it. It was a really fun read.]

[howmanyheartaches]

I haven’t written anything fictional for half a year, so when Sparkle Sparkle came back, I was very thrilled! My Sparklee is papillon82fluttersby – HAPPY SPARKLING!

 I went for the prompt “Harumichi at an event where one of them is out of her depth”

 Not to spoil my fic at this point, just know that papillon82fluttersby’s favourite senshi used to be my favourite Inner (now they’re all juggling, but I loved her in the new Myu a lot!!).

Thank you so much, Awashsquid and Docholligay, for organising this party!

 That’s what friends are for

 Haruka wasn’t one to fear the spotlight. Of course she had been nervous before her speech at their wedding and she couldn’t deny that her heart would pound whenever all eyes were on her while she was doing something she loved. However, when she excelled in a task, she was confident; she would smile freely at all her fangirls before she’d start in a sports competition.

And it was easy for Haruka to share the spotlight with Michiru. When she’d accompanied her wife on stage, everyone was watching musical genius Michiru Kaioh anyway, so she could relax whenever she hadn’t had the time to practice enough and focus on her piano play.

But this was different. Now every note counted. And Haruka felt like a fish out of water.

Obviously, she had tried to deny it. Her lies had enough potential for an Academy Award. It was easy for Michiru to see right through her and normally, she would have tried everything to get Haruka out of this situation.

 In this case, she hadn’t much of a choice either, and the person Haruka had lied to was too caught up in her own head to acknowledge her best friend’s fake behaviour.

Michiru usually had no problem being in a recording studio. She had spent her childhood practicing the violin for three hours each and every day, competing as soon as her mother had been satisfied. The three grey walls, with a huge window completing the room, were familiar territory. Still she felt anxiety – it was like Haruka’s was mirrored back to her.

The violinist hadn’t felt Haruka this uncomfortable in a while. Back in their early days, it had almost been common. This stomach-wrenching feeling, the tremble. Even worse in battle of course. Haruka was so terribly afraid of failing – but still so brave. Why was it just so hard for Haruka to perform this song in this environment?

Was it because she didn’t want to disappoint Minako?

Michiru felt anger rising inside of her watching Minako through the window. The blonde had decided to place them both at the same time in the recording cabin, which was what Michiru preferred. She hoped her presence would soothe Haruka at some point, but so far it didn’t work any magic.

After the constant battles, time had become quiet. Michiru didn’t mind that her mirror didn’t show her any dark energy; that Rei’s dreams had slowed down. They had all been able to settle into their lives. Michiru couldn’t be happier – being married, choosing when and where to perform, spending time with her family at the beach.

Quiet however wasn’t something for Minako. It had never been, obviously, but with the reassurance that they lived in a time of peace, Minako had decided to reach her goal of becoming an idol. And not just any idol – “top top top of the world” as she liked to outline her dream.

“Could you please repeat the last part? Thank yaaa!”

Michiru sighed and shared a glance with Haruka. The butch nodded, but it seemed like a punishment to her to put the big headphones on again. They started to play the last part again. All for the sake of Minako’s new record. Unfortunately, self-produced.

From the corner of her eye, Michiru could see how beautiful Haruka looked playing the piano. The blonde was dressed in a black sweater and sleek, black pants, her hair on the loose because she was going through it so much with her fingers. She still looked nervous and had a hard time pouring her soul into her playing. The melody wasn’t even that difficult, if Minako could come up with it. Michiru raised an eyebrow, focusing on herself again, not being able to shake the uncomfortable feeling.

While they were playing away, Minako started to chat with the sound engineer. After they stopped, Michiru could hear Minako’s chattering, which didn’t really help against Michiru’s growing fume. “So I was like ‘Okay honey, we really need to put a stop to this. How about we’re continuing recording if this song is not about you being a heartbroken crybaby anymore?! Nothing about a little grief, you know, but this is certainly not about a strong woman.’ And I walked off in wide steps, clicking heels, I was a total boss babe, you know? I don’t need a collaboration like that, that’s just not my vision for this album!”

“Wow, I can’t believe that someone like you would write such a lovey-dovey ballad like this!” The sound guy waved towards Haruka and Michiru, still trapped in the cabin.

“What can I say, I’m layered”, Minako flipped her hair dramatically.

Michiru was still chewing on the lovely-dovey. On top of that, she didn’t like to be kept waiting by Minako for a response if they should continue playing.

“Minako”, she spoke into the microphone with a firm voice that could cut glass, as Minako kept ignoring them.

“Oh! Oh! You’re still there, like little marionettes! Lovely! Errr …” Minako stopped herself. “Whoa, that sounded like a pirate. Like the one Michiru made you into in her latest smut fic!”

Haruka looked at her best friend startled.

“You didn’t know that, buddy? Okay. She did not write herself into the governor’s daughter’s role. You definitely didn’t have sex in a dirty place. Forget about it, I never found this in Rei’s drawer.”

“Minako”, Michiru repeated, this time leaving no illusion that she wouldn’t be able to kill Minako with her violin’s bow.

Minako’s phone went off. The singer jumped to her feet: “Uuuuh, I was waiting for that call! I think we should continue tomorrow!”

*** 

Ami looked confused when she opened the door. She always looked confused when this happened, even though Michiru’s knock was always the same: determined.

“Michiru! Hi!” She blushed, painfully aware that she hadn’t changed after dinner and a spot of tomato sauce greeted from its place on her baby blue, long cardigan.

“Make some tea, would you?” Michiru smiled at the younger woman mildly and found her way into Ami’s apartment that the medical student shared with her girlfriend.

“Sure”, Ami wedged her hands nervously, “Mako is instructing her cooking class, but she has left me some scones from earlier today. They’re not much but …”

“That sounds wonderful”, Michiru had seated herself in the lounging area already, unpacking her shopper.

When Ami arrived in the living room, a tray with tea and scones in hand, Michiru already had unfolded her painting supplies.

Ami sat down next to her on the floor, trying to mimic the gracile way Michiru held her body.

“Let’s paint”, the older announced, beginning to draw a storm.

Ami, who joyfully had grasped the expensive brushes Michiru used, soon stopped in her movement, watching Michiru with worry.

It wasn’t their first painting session, but definitely Michiru’s angriest. Usually, Michiru preferred “Under the Sea”, “Into Space” or “Haruka” when she was drawing just for herself. Ami loved the harmony that then came upon Michiru, adapting to it herself. It was hard not to think about her father, but it was also hard to resent doing something she loved. Ami Mizuno was a woman of many talents. But asking about Michiru’s day wasn’t one.

*** 

Haruka hadn’t been in the mood for joining Rei to help her refurnish an old table, but then again, Michiru had insisted her to. Probably because Rei was Minako’s partner – and that was also the reason why Haruka had a hard time being around the social studies student.

“I can’t believe Minako still thinks this table is hideous! I mean, look at it, we’ve done some fine things with it!” Rei’s high ponytail swung around furiously.

“I still think that it would have been cheaper for you to buy a table at Ikea, considering the money you put into refurnishing supplies”, Haruka noted.

“Ikea”, Rei looked at Haruka in disgust. “You are definitely wrong, this was a good deal at the flea market and I’m in no position to decline it! Even though my girlfriend is going to rocket to super fame very soon. But I swear, I’ll do my best to not let capitalism win!”

Haruka cringed.

“Wait. I know that look on your face. How was your time in the recording studio anyway today?” Rei waved a brush around like she was a teacher pointing at a pupil to move in front of the whole class.

“It wasn’t good enough. We didn’t finish and will go back in again tomorrow”, Haruka let her shoulders sink. “I feel like this is all my fault.”

“And why’s that so? Did you forget how to play sheet music?”

“No. But Minako wasn’t happy. I have to admit, that was my worry from the second she asked me to do this with Michiru.”

“Tenoh, do you think it was a piece of cake for me working on the guitar parts with her? She’s a perfectionist. So are you and I. But we’re not doing this for us, we’re doing it for her, even though she’s a brat. But she deserves the world.”

“It’s just so that however good my performance is, it will be heard forever. Over and over again. I wonder how the Three Lights did it, but I guess it’s just that Seiya thinks so highly of herself she’d never have any doubts”, Haruka kicked against the refurnished table, making it almost collapse. Such a good deal.

“They were also searching for their princess, I’m just saying.”

“I know, right? Their songs were never that good?!”

*** 

“I frankly do not understand how Minako doesn’t feel any shame. Haruka is her best friend”, Michiru said like it was nothing.

“Oh”, Ami announced, remembering Minako’s request for the album support. She was glad Michiru had finally broken the silence, still working on a wild mix of greys and blacks that looked together like a hurricane on paper.

“It’s my fault. I should have insisted more on declining Minako’s offer. I could have said my manager …”

“Haruka still would have agreed to. Mina means a lot to her.”

“She doesn’t seem equally important to Minako”, if Michiru could snort, this would be her moment to.

“That’s not true”, Ami tilted her head. “Mina feels a lot of pressure.”

*** 

“Mina is under a lot of pressure”, Rei said softly. “She sees all of us settled into our lives. Makoto is so, so good at what she does and her life with Ami is like from one of these lesbian books, where the more tomboy one is a doctor! You and Michiru and Hotaru and Setsuna are so happy together and with what you get to do. Even though Hotaru would never admit to that, but she’s a teenager! And Usagi is Usagi. Mina doesn’t mean to be this tense these days, I just think she wants to make this work.”

“You forgot to mention yourself.” Haruka half-smiled, feeling a bit better about the whole situation.

“I JUST WORKED ON THE PERFECT TABLE I MEAN JUST LOOK! LOOK!”

*** 

“I’m clean and I smell like soap”, Haruka happily announced, joining her wife in the bedroom, wearing her favourite PJs.

“Love, you look like you feel so much better than you did this morning”, Michiru noted, looking up from her book, already tugged into her blanket.

“I do. Talking to Rei made me understand it’s good - not less, not more - when Mina finally says it’s good.” Haruka swiftly found herself underneath the blanket as well.

“It was always good, she just needs to focus”, Michiru replied with a soft smile.

“That’s what Ami made you realize, right?” Haruka grinned, leaning onto Michiru’s shoulder.

“She’s smart, our Ami”, Michiru giggled. “I’m glad you found your confidence again. Minako should be proud to have such a talented, good-looking pianist on her record.”

“I know, I’ve always known.” Haruka leaned forward to wink, but then led her pretending go. “It’s just that I feel so uncomfortable playing with the headphones on. I feel like everything will be constantly judged and I’m not used to this.”

“Minako didn’t really judge and that’s the problem. But no worries”, now it was Michiru’s turn to wink, “I have a plan …”

Then she closed the book because she needed her hands – to deeply kiss Haruka, the person she regarded as the love of her life, holding her tight.

*** 

“Obsession” was composed by a Dane, who he had been, well, obsessed with Bach. It was very loud, shrill even. While it put a smile on Michiru’s face to play such a jarring melody, it made Mina, who had just walked in, cringe. Haruka, not entirely sold on the piece, watched Michiru in awe.

As she finished, the violinist spoke right into the microphone: “Now that you remembered what I can do, I want you to see what we are both capable of doing with your song. Now that I have your attention, I suggest that we concentrate and wrap this song up smoothly. We are here to support your career, Minako, but for a first-timer in a studio it’s certainly not easy to know what’s wrong if you’re not giving us any hints. Do you agree?”

Mina had been frozen, but found to her old confident behaviour in a second: “I sure do. Because I’m certain you remember that.I.am.the.leader.”

She mimicked Michiru, ending with an emphasis on every word, who took this with no impression. “How could I forget a fact you sing to us like a hit song you’d like to have. So. May we start?”

“Let’s”, Mina sat down next to the sound guy, who had no clue what that whole leader deal was about. The blonde was ready to work – finally. She showed Michiru her thanks with the smallest smile, that Michiru took with a little nod. It was easy to get lost. But it was also easy to get out – with the help of your friends.

[st-louis]

JEWISH PLAYERS IN THE NHL: 1/? JASON ZUCKER

(photo by Andy King, NHLI)

so this is going to be an ongoing series about Jewish players in the NHL because there are like... under seven of them. I’m starting with Jason Zucker because he’s one of my favorites. :> He’s talented, a little bit of a weirdo, and just seems like an all-around nice person.

He plays left wing for the Minnesota Wild. According to his official team bio, was born in Southern California but grew up in Las Vegas.  He’s Jewish but he doesn’t consider himself religious, he wasn’t bar mitzvah’d because he didn’t want to miss hockey (his mom does make kugel tho, so that’s legit secular Jew cred.)

His mom, Natalie, was a competitive figure skater, and his dad, Scott, is a general contractor who built both ice and roller rinks, and he got his start skating there at age 2 1/2. He’d practice for hours, played competitive roller hockey, and was known for his speed (playing defense originally because he could get from one end of the rink to another so quickly). He didn’t switch to ice hockey until he was eight or nine. At the time his skating was terrible; the toe pick in ice skates threw him off, and he didn’t improve until he got a skating coach.

He described his work ethic:

For me, I was on the side yard of my parents house. I had a little piece of roller hockey sport court where I wouldn’t ruin my sticks, and I would shoot pucks for hours and hours and hours a day. I remember we had a little wall on the side and I would do jump squats onto the wall and I would run sprints around the backyard. It was a terrible setup for working out but I would find myself out there all the time, because it was fun.

Still good enough to end up on UNDTP tho. In 2009 and 2010 Zucker helped the US win the World Junior Under-18, and the 2010 World Junior Championships. He committed to the University of Denver before being drafted by the Wild in 2010, and played two seasons there (45G, 46A in 78 games). He turned pro at the end of the 2011-12 season.

Right before the draft, his best friend, Nick Schaefer, died in a car accident. He has a tattoo -- “game time” on his chest in his memory.  On the draft:

I was thrilled, but I couldn’t shake the thought of what had happened to Nick. The fragility of life and the importance of even the smallest moments really hit me. Like everybody else, I sometimes stop and think back to those instances when, in a second, I had a choice to do one thing or the other. And ever since that summer night in 2010, Nick, in some way, has been with me every time.

He still writes Nick’s initials on every single one of his sticks, along with “Mom,” “Dad,” and “STS,” for shoot to score.

His first seasons weren’t super great and he bounced around between the AHL and the NHL during the first few years. He scored his first NHL goal against Detroit in 2013, but his season was cut short by a torn quadriceps. In 2014-15 things definitely improved with 21 goals in 51 games and a 16.9% shooting percentage.

Zucker had some interesting thoughts on the billeting system and leaving home so young. While he felt it was 100% worth it and he’d do it over again, he wouldn’t let his kids do it if they didn’t really want to--as a result of the unusual way he was raised he doesn’t have any friends outside of hockey, and that was “probably tough for [his] parents to see.”

Another great thing about him is his charity work: he and his wife, Carly, started a campaign to raise funds for a family suite at the University of Minnesota Masonic Children’s Hospital, and raised more than $1,000,000 in nine months. But he’s been involved with the hospital since 2015, and the campaign was inspired by one of the children he met and befriended there. Tucker had been diagnosed with bone cancer but still had time to give Jason some advice:

He said, “Jason, I’ve been watching you a lot this year. I need to give you some advice, O.K?”

I kind of laughed him off.

“No, I’m serious, Jason. First, you need to backcheck harder. It will make things easier on the other end. And secondly, shoot more!”

After Tucker passed away, Zucker got his autograph tattooed on his wrist, along with that advice: shoot more.

Also, because I love dumb hockey player tattoos, he also has “USA” on his back (I know) and on his left arm, in Hebrew, “in pursuit of perfection.” I, uh, have to quote this article in a large part because of this story involving Charlie Coyle:

“Everyone always wants to strive to be the best,” Zucker said. “I’m no different. I want to be better than everybody in that locker room and they all want to be better than me. That’s just the way it goes. That’s the way our business runs. I’m always striving to be perfect and I may never reach there. Nobody ever will. But I’m always striving to get to that.”

The other meaning? Zucker says he has “a little OCD [obsessive-compulsive disorder].”

“A little?” teammate Charlie Coyle, who lives with Zucker in Minneapolis, says with a chuckle. “Go in his room. He’s a big guy with watches and he’s got this whole case of probably 50 watches perfectly lined up, every one just perfect. Go in his closet and all his shirts are hung up, almost color coded. They’re all perfect. Same with his shoes, not one out of place.

“Just everything. Like everything. We go grocery shopping, and you open the cabinets, and everything is all perfect, labels facing out and spaced apart so evenly. I’m telling you, everything. I’m a neat person, so it’s fine, but it’s a little over the top.

“Heck, just watch him take off his equipment. He takes his laces and folds them perfectly down so it just sits there.”

Of course, there are few things Coyle enjoys more than messing with Zucker … by messing up his perfect stuff.

Listen, I know.

He married Carly Aplin in 2016, and they have two children together.

Anyway! He had an excellent season in 2017-2018. This July, he signed a five-year, $27.5 million contract after career highs: goals (33), assists (31) and points (64), mostly on the first line, and after being nominated for the King Clancy. In short:

Jason Zucker made significant strides in his game this season, both offensively and defensively. He was among the team’s top performers throughout the year, and although he was streaky at times, he contributed in some way on most nights. Without Zucker, the team may have actually missed the playoffs, as his improved offense carried the team for a few stretches of the campaign (one 7-game point streak and two 6-game point streaks).

Hockey Wilderness agrees.

JUST A GOOD TEAM GUY!!!! Here he is talking about his team when specifically being interviewed about his own awesome performance:

Asked after the game if he felt compelled to lift the team after a week of saying the leaders needed to, Zucker said, “Absolutely I did. I wasn’t happy with how I played the first two games. I thought I had some good spurts. It just wasn’t good enough. I know the way that I can play and (this) was much more like it. (Staal, Mikko Koivu, Zach Parise, I think everybody would’ve said the same thing about the first two games. We all wanted to step up and play well.

“That’s what true leadership is. Just guys going out and showing it on the ice. (Ryan Suter) was phenomenal. (Matt Dumba) played really well. (Jared Spurgeon) was battling. On a night he said he didn’t feel great with the puck, I thought (Spurgeon) was one of our best defensemen. You can’t say enough about a lot of the guys in this room.”

via The Athletic

some videos:

very encouraging but extremely, unfortunately boring when mic’d up what are you doing how does this even happen scores in literally 10 seconds of play first hat trick!!!! trying to explain cribbage to charlie coyle lmao a highlight reel lmao fighting

SOURCES

Official Bio Rooted in Roller Hockey Who the Folk?! Wild Agree to Five Year, 27.5 Million Contract Player’s Tribune Words Will Last Lifetime For Wild’s Jason Zucker Perfection is Always the Goal Jason Zucker took giant leaps forward Jason Zucker puts his leadership on display

[bern33chaser]

Idioms and Expressions That Refer to Eating

This post discusses a number of idiomatic expressions that refer literally or figuratively to consuming food and include some form of the word eat.

To say that someone will eat someone else for breakfast is to convey that the first person will easily defeat the other in whatever competition or rivalry they are engaged in. Meanwhile, a dog-eat-dog environment is a highly competitive one, with a hyperbolic notion that people within it are so ruthless that they are like animals desperate enough to kill and eat each other. Similarly, to say that one person will eat another’s lunch is, on the analogy of the cliché of a child stealing a classmate’s lunch, to suggest that a competitor or rival will best someone else decisively. On a related note, “Eat one’s young” means to betray someone to whom one has a responsibility.

“Eat your heart out!” is a taunt to someone noted for an accomplishment, skill, or talent expressing that the speaker has outperformed the targeted person in that area; the idiom alludes to the notion that the target will agonize about being outperformed to the extent that it affects the person’s health—the defeat metaphorically eats away at his or her heart. Meanwhile, “Eat me!” and “Eat my shorts!” are vulgar taunts, while “Eat my dust!” from the notion that one will be running or driving faster, leaving the other person in a cloud of dust of one’s making, is milder to the point of being acceptable as a lighthearted jab.

To say that one is getting or having a bite to eat, or to invite someone to join one for a bite to eat (or just a “bite”), suggests that the food consumed will consist of a snack or a light meal, though in reality it may turn out to be a full meal. To eat and run is to dine hurriedly. When one says, “I hate to eat and run!” it’s generally a jocular apology about doing so. To eat in is simply to dine at home rather than going to a restaurant.

“Eat like a bird” alludes to how many birds pick at their food and seem to eat little, while “eat like a pig” invites comparison with the hearty enthusiasm of a pig when it eats. To eat one’s fill is to consume food until one is full, and a pregnant woman is said to be “eating for two” when her appetite increases. To eat someone out of house and home refers to when a house guest demonstrate one’s healthy appetite by exhausting the supply of food in the home of one’s host.

To say that one could eat a horse is to express that one is extremely hungry. (It’s unclear why this idiom specifies the horse, which in Western civilization has generally not been considered a source of meat for people except in dire circumstance, rather than another large animal associated with meat, such as a cow. One clue is that the expression appears in several sources as “so hungry, [one] could eat a horse behind the saddle,” alluding to a traveler being so desperate that he would kill his mount for food.)

When one says that one will eat one’s hat if something that seems unlikely is true or something that seems unlikely to happen occurs, the speaker is hyperbolically expressing that he or she will consume the headgear as punishment for his or her skepticism. The implication is that the speaker is so confident of the outcome that he or she believes that there is little chance he or she will have to keep his or her word and carry out the act.

By the same token, to eat one’s words is to figuratively ingest them after expressing something that has been challenged or refuted; the idea is the same as having to take back one’s words. Eating crow or eating dirt, similarly, refers to the humiliation of being proven wrong; the notion is of having to ingest something unpalatable. The idea of eating humble pie is a figurative extension.

When an idea, or an emotion such as guilt, eats away at someone, it is because the person feels as he or she is being gnawed at, with emotional distress akin to physical harm. By contrast, to say that something is eating through something else refers to one substance dissolving another, although it might also refer to pests such as termites gnawing on wood, and to say that one is being eaten alive is figurative and alludes to being swarmed by mosquitoes or biting insects.

To eat high off the hog is to live well and prosper, from the notion that the best cuts of pork are located on the upper part of the pig’s body.

To say that one has another person eating out of one’s hand (or the palm of one’s hand) suggests that the other person has been tamed, as when someone succeeds in getting a wild animal to eat food in this manner.

“Eat up!” is a friendly admonition to partake in a meal. “Eat, drink, and be merry” carries the same sentiment, although the original expression concluded fatalistically, “for tomorrow we die”—a comment uttered at a feast on the eve of battle.

When one is told that one looks good enough to eat, the speaker is comparing one’s attractiveness to the visual appeal of delicious-looking food. Meanwhile, assuring someone that one, or another person, “won’t eat you” is in response to the person assured being apprehensive about approaching or meeting someone because the other person seems imposing or threatening or the first person is shy.

“Let them eat cake” was supposedly a callous response by a member of royalty to a report that peasants were too poor to afford bread. However, it is wrongly attributed to Marie Antoinette, queen of France at the time of the French Revolution, who was reportedly generous to the indigent. A similar remark, referring to the crust of pâté rather than to cake, was rumored to have been uttered by another French queen more than a hundred years earlier and is likely the source of the misattributed quote.

To say that someone is mad enough to chew (or eat) nails suggests hyperbolically that the person is gnashing his or her teeth out of anger so passionately that he or she could easily gnaw through metal.

“Real men don’t eat quiche,” dating from the trendy popularity of the egg dish during the 1970s, suggests that the delicacy does not appeal to masculine taste in the way that, say, a piece of steak would.

To say that a room is so clean, one could eat off the floor hyperbolically concludes that it has undergone such a painstakingly thorough cleaning that the floor is safe for placing food on.

“You are what you eat,” originating early in the nineteenth century but repeated over the years and popularized during the 1960s, suggests the rather obvious notion that one’s diet determines the condition of one’s body. On a related note, the admonition to “eat your Wheaties” derives from the reputation of that brand of cereal for being particularly nutritious; one who wishes to be successful is encouraged to partake of it.

“You can’t have your cake and eat it, too” means that one cannot simultaneously continue to enjoy the fact that one possesses something while consuming it or using it up.

A reference to eating someone’s face has one of two meanings, depending on context. Denoting anger, it means that someone is so furiously confronting someone else that he or she is metaphorically devouring the other’s face. By contrast, people kissing passionately are sometimes said in humor to be eating each other’s faces.

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Original post: Idioms and Expressions That Refer to Eating from Daily Writing Tips https://www.dailywritingtips.com/idioms-that-refer-to-eating/

[peace-coast-island]

In the span of three weeks Mayla Blunstone traveled to various places around the world alongside a former evil princess living on borrowed time. From fighting dragons to jumping trains, to skydiving and landing in old wells to breaking out of space jail, it was a hell of a lot better than sitting through summer school.

Princess Evie of the Fallen Spheres was one of the few remaining members of Dead Alley’s prestigious royal family. She and her friends Cammie, Skip, and Rusty were known as the Dusk Crew, prominent troublemakers at the Alley. Six years ago Evie and her friends were allowed access to the neighboring land Isle of Enchantments for an opportunity for a better life. Out of the four, Evie quickly grew to enjoy life in the Isle while Cammie, her best friend and leader of the gang, struggled the most.

And then it all went downhill when Pandora of the powerful Agrona vampires attacked the Isle, killing several including the King and Queen. Pandora escape and Dead Alley was once again sealed off, leaving Evie and her friends stranded on the Isle. Although they were cleared of any involvement in the attack, Evie couldn’t help but feel somewhat responsible, much like she did at the Alley when she sat and watched her parents take advantage of others. She was always the most disillusioned of the gang, always questioning things and seeing them in ways no one else can.

A year and a half later, life as she knew it was over. Cammie, torn between two worlds, her old life and a new life alongside a prince from a neighboring kingdom, fled the Isle and returned to the Alley. Evie and the others tried to convince her to come back but Cammie made up her mind. Defeated, Evie, Skip, and Rusty walked out of Cammie’s pad for the last time. As soon as they stepped out, they were cornered by their old nemesis Poseidon, who challenged Cammie to a duel on his ship. For the last time the Dusk Crew got together to fight against the Tsunami Gang. The battle ended in a draw, killing everyone on board when Cammie and Poseidon caused an explosion that blew the ship into the middle of the ocean. Using the last of her powers, Cammie managed to partially resurrect Evie, who was part immortal on her mother’s side. But since the spell was incomplete, it won’t be long until death comes for Evie. Until then, she has nothing to do but keep moving on.

Fast forward four years later in a boarding school somewhere in the middle of a giant city. There was Mayla Blunstone, stuck spending her summer at school instead of being at home with her twin sister Charlotte in Forest Pines Island. She and her sister hated the school mainly because of the people there but because the academics were great, it wasn’t easy to get into. The twins knew that their parents wanted to provide them with the very best but sometimes it feels like that’s all they do. Usually summer school would be somewhat bearable with Charlotte there but since she got expelled for her escapade during spring break earlier that year, Mayla was on her own.

Then on one cloudy June day Mayla and Evie’s paths crossed. Having enough of prep school life, Mayla took advantage of the much needed three day weekend and took a train as far as she could afford. The three hour train ride took her to the city of Aventurine and she headed to a motel a few blocks away from the station. At the front desk it was revealed that the place was overbooked and there were some mix ups with the rooms, resulting in Mayla and Evie getting the same room. Since there were two beds and plenty of space for two people who plan to go out for most of their stay, they decided to be roommates.

If it wasn’t for the new rooming situation, Mayla would have spent the weekend at the motel binge-watching shows or wander around town. As for Evie, she only came to Aventurine for some unfinished business and maybe hang around if she didn’t get kicked out for whatever reason. For some reason, Evie seemed to have taken interest in Mayla, especially after she noticed the Blunstone crest on Mayla’s school uniform jacket. That sparked a conversation between the two, where Evie revealed that her stepfather was a distant relative of the Blunstones. From there Evie decided to invite Mayla to tag along and help her retrieve the Embers of Citrine, an old spell book believed to have been lost for centuries, from a pawn shop before it fell into the wrong hands. Problem was, the owner happens to be an enemy of Evie’s mother and also the right hand man of another nemesis. So Evie needed to find a way to get the book without him or anyone knowing since as far as she knows, they’re unaware that it has fallen into their possessions. After getting the book she plans to drop by the Isle to give to her stepsister, the only person who Evie really keeps in contact with, who will lock it in a vault at the museum. Mayla, dying for adventure, jumped at the chance to break away from monotony.

That afternoon, a disguised Mayla sauntered into Gadgets and Gizmos, posing as a historian looking to expand her collection of extremely rare books. Being the master of disguise, mainly due to her and Charlotte pulling switch-a-roos once in a while, Mayla played the role perfectly. She managed to look into the inventory, where she spotted the Embers of Citrine in a crate of old books and scrolls. After arguing it over with the owner, he agreed to let Mayla come back the next day to negotiate prices for the crate. Mayla left the store feeling euphoric and rebellious. Impressed, Evie celebrated with dinner and a trip to Aventurine’s abandoned mines for a treasure hunt. Mayla hit the jackpot when she found a small sack of gold coins worth about $2 million, which she and Evie split up.

The next day, Mayla made a dramatic entrance into Gadgets and Gizmos, ready to negotiate. Evie hid in the shadows, anticipating a fight. Just as she predicted, the owner wanted to battle things out before giving up the crate. The second he pulled out his mini-cannon, Mayla gave a hand signal and Evie came bursting through the roof. Even in her weakening state, Evie put up a hell of a fight, forcing the owner to make a fool of himself in front of his gang. After retrieving the Embers, Evie didn’t have much of a reason to stick around, not with the Gadgets and Gizmos gang out for her, so she packed her bags. Not wanting the fun to end so soon, Mayla offered to be her personal assistant. Considering that it’ll take a while for Evie to get to the Isle to drop off the book, she decided that it wouldn’t hurt to have some extra help if something were to happen to her. While Evie was reluctant, she had to admit that having Mayla around was fun and that she almost forgot what it’s like to have a partner in crime. Maybe with a friend to tag along, Evie could get her mind off certain things, tat is if time would allow her to.

So on Sunday Evie and Mayla embarked on a long train ride to the Isle of Enchantments, where they ran into quite a bit of trouble. Since there was no direct train to the Isle from Aventurine, the two had to change trains several times, which cost a lot of time. What was supposed to take about a day ended up taking nearly three because of bad weather in the mountains. So to speed things up, Evie decided to hop on the next train, as in literally jump on them. As long as they didn’t get caught, it would be fine. Mayla was a bit scared at first but soon adrenaline took over and she felt like she was flying. In the middle of train hopping were the food fights in the cafe, often instigated by Evie’s pranks. Every time Evie would do something like move a napkin dispenser slightly to the left or mix up someone’s order, which will lead to a customer complaining which then escalates to a battle. Meanwhile the two would hide in the background, joining in occasionally until someone comes in to deescalate the fight, which is when they would escape to the next train. In those three days, it was like Mayla and Evie knew each other forever.

Finally they arrived at the Isle, where they met Evie’s stepsister Aurora. On the way to Aurora’s cottage Mayla noticed that Evie was limping and clutching on to her side. Her suspicions grew when she heard the sisters arguing in the middle of the night. She couldn’t help but listen in even though she knew it wasn’t her place. Evie caught on and decided that there was no point in hiding anything. So Evie told Mayla about the battle between the Tsunami Gang and the Dusk Crew and Cammie’s spell that’s keeping her alive. Along with that, Evie also revealed under her jacket a stake that impaled her chest. In the past few weeks her condition had started deteriorating quicker than she anticipated, the stake turning rusty and its sharp coils digging into her. Evie guessed that part of the reason why she liked Mayla was because she reminded her of Cammie. With time running out, she wanted to go out with a bang, preferably with someone by her side, that is if Mayla didn’t mind.

The next three weeks were a wild ride for Mayla as she accompanied Evie on many dangerous adventures. From flying a plane for the first time to skydiving off it when it caught fire and landing in an old well full of death traps that Mayla barely escaped from, no one would believe her at all if she told them. After that Mayla and Evie signed on to a dragon fight tournament where they won last place. Maybe wearing her school jacket to the competition wasn’t the best idea but at least only the sleeves were burnt off. Then there was dimension hopping, which was scary and disorienting but also exhilarating. But from there things started to take a turn for Evie as she deteriorated further and was unable to fight like she used to.

For the second half of the adventure, while it was still on the exciting side, it wasn’t as physically demanding, which Mayla didn’t mind at all. As the month drew to an end, Evie wanted to take Mayla somewhere special. What she didn’t expect was Cammie’s enemies using the abandoned garage as their new hangout. Using an old spaceship, Evie and Mayla managed to escape their grasp. While the fight took a lot out of her, Evie was fueled by adrenaline as she took the battle to space. Unfortunately the fight ended in a draw when authorities seized their ships and arrested everyone for causing a lot of commotion and damage to nearby ships. Until Aurora can arrive to bail them out, the two spent a night in space jail, where they taunted their opponents.

The next morning Aurora arrived with a plan to sneak the two out of jail. Just as they were about to leave, some on the enemies managed to break out and engaged in battle to finish things out. Although the odds looked bad for Evie, Mayla, and Aurora as it was three versus five, they won by a hair. While the guards escorted the enemies to a more secure cell, one of them threw an explosive, damaging the police station and allowed for a few prisoners to escape. Mayla was nearly hit by a beam on the ceiling, Aurora barely escaping a fallen bookshelf, and Evie was buried under fallen ceiling tiles. Evie refused to leave until she found her golden amulet, a present from Cammie and the only thing she ever held on to after losing everything that meant something to her. Mayla and Aurora noticed how difficult it was for Evie to walk but for her sake didn’t comment about it. After spending a night recovering at Aurora’s cottage, Evie escorted Mayla back to her school. It was supposed to be a quick goodbye but Evie found it hard to bid her friend farewell. Mayla felt the same way. So after a lengthy goodbye, they went their separate ways.

Just like her sister’s escapade, Mayla’s unexpected trip got her expelled, which didn’t phase her at all. Long after that, Mayla never forgot about Evie and the good times they had together. Like Charlotte, Mayla kept most of her adventure to herself. As much as she would have liked to stay, she knew that her path will never cross with Evie’s again. Still, it wouldn’t hurt to fantasize about new adventures they could have together.

Two months later Mayla received a package with Evie’s golden amulet inside.

[mhalachai]

*sidles in* May I know what this idea about BiW Vitya as Natasha's biological father?

you mean AKA the uncertain custody storyline no one asked for?

The super-short version: Viktor finds out that a fling in his early 20s resulted in a baby, goes on a mission to find out a) if it’s true and b) if the kid is okay, and through the power of love and understanding (and Natasha’s 9-year-old infatuation with Mila Babicheva (it’s right after the 2018 Olympics K)) Viktor signs over his parental rights and Steve becomes Natasha’s second adoptive father, and everyone is happy if not a little wistful when thinking about what might have beens (I have Firm Opinions on adoptive families ok)

That’s the 91-word summary. 

But how about the 4070-word version?

Okay so backstory for those readers who aren’t into all the fandoms: Hands of Clay is a Marvel Cinematic Universe domestic kidfic AU where Bucky Barnes (the Winter Soldier) adopted Natasha Romanoff (Black Widow) as a baby and Clint Barton (Hawkeye) is the son of Steve Rogers (Captain America) and Sharon Carter (Agent 13), and Bucky and Steve meet up again after years apart and fall in love over the course of 300K+ words etc. Blood in the Water is a Yuri!! On Ice preternatural AU in which Viktor Nikiforov (Russian figure skating mega-star) ‘s mother is a rusalka (aka a murderous Russian water nymph) and Yuuri Katsuki, Viktor’s husband and figure-skating coachee, is confused a lot of the time.

K it does sound a little weird when I write it out like that.

SO THE STORY GOES A LITTLE LIKE THIS

In the original Hands of Clay, Natasha’s mother was an undocumented Russian teenager living in New York and she had the baby and was like K I’m out and handed the baby over to hospital authorities and noped on back to Russia (or Canada, I wasn’t clear where I left that) and before infant Natasha could be adopted out of foster care, she caught whooping cough and ended up in the hospital for months and her social worker (Nick Fury) spotted a newly demobbed Bucky Barnes one day and was like “hey! Come meet this tiny infant “ because Nick watched Bucky in the Rangers for 8 years and was a pretty good judge of character and anyway tl;dr Bucky ended up adopting Natasha and the story begins 4.5 years later when Natasha is five.

In the HoC/BitW mashup, the mother shifts to a young woman (like early 20s) with whom Viktor Nikiforov had a wild week-long fling in mid-2008, then they parted ways with seeming no further thought. Only, surprise. The mother wasn’t sure what to do; like, she really didn’t want a kid but she didn’t want to have an abortion and she gave a bit of thought to finding Viktor and handing the kid over, but she procrastinated on the details until month 8.5 when Natasha was born early and the mother took a look at the baby, said “hey you can name her Natasha,” signed over her parental rights for adoption, and went back to her life. And see above for whopping cough and adoption by Bucky etc.

Now: the mash-up begins in March or April 2018, soon after Yuuri has won a gold medal in Men’s Figure Skating at the PyeongChang 2018 Winter Olympics. Viktor, who has retired from competition (for real this time), gets a letter from someone (probably not the woman; maybe a parent or grandparent who bears more of a grudge against Viktor for “robbing” them of a grandchild) telling him about the baby and the details, and Viktor is understandably floored. Flabbergasted. Flummoxed. His first reaction is to think it’s a hoax, as he has been the victim of extortion attempts before. But Yuuri takes it far more seriously, and asks Viktor if he really wants to follow up on it, or if he would rather not know if he has a kid somewhere out in the world.

Without getting into the epic back and forths (and how hard Yakov rolled his eyes when Viktor said he might have had a kid with some mystery woman when he was 20) Viktor ends up engaging a lawyer in New York to open an inquiry with Child Protective Services to see what happened to the child. There’s a lot I don’t know about adoption law in New York but as Viktor never knew about the child and never terminated his parental rights, there could be Ground For Something. Viktor doesn’t know what, just… he remembered what it was like to have a caregiver who hated him, and being abandoned by his only parental figure, and he has to find out what happened.

The lawyer does their legal thing. Which lands in the lap of Nick Fury, deputy director of New York's Child Protective Services. Who in turn goes to visit Bucky to lay this all out for him, because it’s several months after Steve and Bucky got married and they’re in the process of having Steve adopt Natasha legally, only this throws everything into chaos.

Bucky freaks out, briefly considers taking Natasha and moving to Omaha where this possible birth father can’t find them, then calls Steve at work who does two things – one, calls the lawyer who is helping them with the adoption (Jennifer Walters, Bruce Banner’s cousin and legal rock star) and two goes up to Tony Stark’s lab and says, “Tony, I know we’re friends and I’ve never asked you for anything in my entire life,” and Tony’s panicking, like does Steve have cancer? Is it brain cancer? (Tony spends a lot of time worrying about brain cancer) and Steve goes on, “Someone might try to take Natasha away from us, we might need help,” and bam, Tony’s there.

Once Jennifer gets in touch with Viktor’s lawyer, the first suggestion is a paternity test to see if this is even a thing, and that means that Natasha has to be told about it. She’s nine now, and understandably freaked out by everything, but Bucky has always been really clear that they’re a family and he is never letting anyone take Natasha way from their family, and that calms the girl more than it calms Bucky.

(Clint’s understandably wrathful and upset, which is a change in such an easy-going kid, and he gets into a little trouble at school and there are some Very Special Conversations that have to happen)

The test results come in and there’s a paternity match, which kind of destroys Bucky a little bit more on the inside, but Steve’s not daunted, he’s ready for battle. There’s a back and forth with the lawyers and Jennifer comes to them with a suggestion, that they have a short meeting with the birth father and his husband, where he can meet Natasha, as his lawyer has indicated that his client was unsure on next steps to take. “This is good news,” Jennifer assures Bucky and Steve. “If he was certain he was going to sue for custody, the papers would already be filed with the judge. Talk to him, and show him that Natasha is in the best place here.”

“You think he’ll take one look at us and just decide to go back home to Russia, after all the money he’s poured into the lawyers so far?” Bucky demands.

“I think it’ll be more chance of a positive outcome if we can convince this guy that there’s no reason for anything to change,” Jennifer retorts.

So they arrange for a meeting at Steve’s office in Stark Tower (“Because, Bucky, this way he doesn’t know where we live, and there’s the security staff on every door in case he tries anything, all right?”) and Clint’s angry he’s not included and has to be in school that afternoon, but Natasha just brushes her hair and makes sure she’s very cute in her school uniform (Natasha knows how to use Cute For Her Own Purposes) and she’s so nervous but Bucky has told her three times that this is just to say hello, and if anyone tries anything, well, Bucky was in the Army and he knows how to Handle A Situation (Steve was not in the room for this part of the conversation).

And then Viktor and Yuuri show up.

They’re ushered into the meeting room (one of the more impressive ones, Steve’s flair for showmanship is showing) and there’s this super-awkward moment of omg what do we do then Steve’s on his feet and going over to introduce himself and shake hands, and Yuuri’s so nervous he almost trips over a chair and Viktor can’t take his eyes off Natasha, and on the other side of the room, Bucky is shook. Because Natasha is the spitting image of her biological father (or, to Yuuri and Viktor, she looks exactly like Viktor’s mother).

Steve introduces Bucky, and hands are again shaken, and Natasha hasn’t moved from her seat by the window because, nervous and none too happy. Everyone sits down and there’s a moment of silence before Natasha decides that she’s had quite enough of the adults deciding things about her life; she’s nine and practically grown up.

“Hi,” she says, nice and loud so everyone knows she means business. She looks at Yuuri. “You have the same name as a figure skater.”

Yuuri goes a little pink in the face. “I am the figure skater.”

All of Natasha’s plans come to a screeching halt, as This Changes Everything. “You are?” she exclaims, sliding off her chair. “We did a whole unit on the Olympics in school, we watched everything. I love the figure skating the best, it’s like dance and I love dance!”

There’s a tiny smile on Viktor’s face now, but he just sits back and watches.

“Oh!” Natasha’s mouth falls open, and her eyes get wide. “You won the gold medal! Do you know Mila Babicheva? She won the gold too!” Natasha clasps her hands together in infatuated joy. “She’s so pretty, and funny, and she broke two world records!”

“Yes, I know Mila,” says Yuuri. “She trains with us in St. Petersburg, that’s where we live. But you should ask Viktor, he trained with her for far longer than I’ve known her.”

Natasha turns her attention to Viktor. “Why, are you a figure skater too?”

Yuuri’s head nearly explodes, as the idea of someone asking Viktor freaking Nikiforov if he’s a figure skater too, but Viktor just smiles. “Yes, I was,” Viktor says. “I retired just before the new year began.”

“So you know Mila?”

“I do.” Viktor pulls out his phone, and scrolls down in his pictures. “Mila is a good friend. She babysat our dog Makkachin when we went to visit Yuuri’s family last summer.”

Natasha scurries closer to look at the picture, and Bucky has to make a real effort to not grab his kid and run out of the room. But so far, things are going well.

“That’s a cool dog,” Natasha agrees. “We have a dog, his name is Lucky! And Mila looks so happy! Is she really nice?”

“Mila is very nice,” Viktor says, putting his phone away. “I can get her to send you an autographed poster, if you want?”

Natasha jumps up and down in glee. Her infatuation with Mila started hard during the Olympics, and she’s watched all the video clips of Mila’s performances on YouTube. A real poster signed by Mila herself would be so awesome!

“Nat,” Bucky says, unable to stop himself, “Come on.” He beckons her over, and she goes to cling to his arm.

“Dad, did you hear?” she squeals. “Mila is going to sign a poster for me!”

Bucky puts his hand on Natasha’s back, feeling like he’s going to throw up. But he has to keep a straight face and not screw this up or he could lose his little girl. “That’s great, honey. But these men are here to talk about you, not Mila.”

Natasha subsides, but she’s still full of happy energy.

Viktor reaches into the small bag at his side. “I did not know what is the proper etiquette in this situation, but I brought you a present.” He pulls out a small framed painting. “This is of St. Petersburg, in Russia. This is the place I live, with Yuuri. This is where my family comes from.”

Natasha looks at it, but it’s far less exciting than talking about Mila Babicheva. “Thank you,” she says dutifully. “Do your mom and dad live there now?”

Viktor, after setting the painting down, makes an apologetic motion with his hands. “No. My mother, she died a very long time ago. My father, he moved to America when I was twelve, to teach at a college near Boston.”

“Oh.” Natasha considers this. “What about my mom?”

Viktor’s smile freezes on his face. Steve jumps in. “Natasha, remember what Nick Fury said. Your adoption was a closed one, so we can’t know anything about your mother.”

Natasha twists her fingers up in her shirt.

Viktor clears his throat. “I can tell you a few things about her,” he says cautiously. “I can tell you that you have her hair, and green eyes like her.”

Natasha looks at him, her green eyes shining.

“And when I knew her, she was very smart, and very funny, and very kind. She had a very nice laugh, and loved to tell jokes. We Russian people do, you know.”

“I like to tell jokes, too,” Natasha breathes. “And I’m smart, too!”

“I have no doubt.” Viktor’s smile is halfway back to normal. “Are you in school?”

“Of course I’m in school.” Natasha’s indignation makes Viktor smile more. “I’m in the fourth grade. And I’m in ballet, and I take karate and judo and I’m really good even if I’m short.”

“Ah, short people have lots of energy,” Viktor says.

“You’re in ballet?” Yuuri says at the same time.

“Yeah.” Natasha scrunches up her nose, something Viktor does when he’s frustrated, and Yuuri’s heart skips a beat. “I’m okay. Madame says I don’t have the passion necessary for a prima ballerina. Which is dumb. My karate sensei says I’m full of…” She thinks a moment. “Unbridled intensity.”

Bucky pats Natasha’s back. “Ballet is more of a team activity here,” he says. “Martial arts lets Natasha be more individualistic.”

“I understand,” Viktor says gravely. “I like figure skating for that very reason.”

Natasha goes back to her chair and sits down regally. “Tell me more about you,” she demands. “What’s your job?”

“Currently, I am a figure skating coach and choreographer,” Viktor replies. “I also skate in ice shows. But alas, I have had to bow out of competitive skating. I am too old.”

“How old are you?” Natasha asks.

“I am twenty-nine.”

Natasha turns to Yuuri. “I know you’re twenty-five,” she says. “It says so on your Wikipedia page. I read it. I read all the wiki pages for the figure skaters.”

“I am,” Yuuri acknowledges.

“Are you married?” Natasha asked, her eyes round.

Viktor and Yuuri exchange a glance. “Yes,” Viktor says. “We were married last Christmas.”

Natasha accepts this without batting an eyelash. “That’s neat. My dads got married last summer, and I was Dad’s best man, and I had a really pretty dress and I got to make a speech and everything.”

“That sounds very fun.”

“It was.” And this is where Natasha fixes Viktor with a steely glare, something she’s picked up on from watching Bucky over the years. “And then Steve was going to adopt me so I’ll have two dads, but then you came around.”

“Yes,” Viktor says, very quietly. “I did.”

“Why?”

Viktor isn’t smiling now. “Because when I learned about you, I did not know what had become of you. In Russia, children without parents sometimes go to orphanages, or to homes that are not safe. I did not know how it happens in America.”

“I’m not like that,” Natasha counters, kicking her feet. “I already have a good dad, and a good home, and a good school, and once Steve adopts me I’ll have another dad and a brother and a grandpa and aunts.”

“I am very glad to hear that,” Viktor says.

Bucky stirs. “Nat, honey, can you go out and talk to Billy and Noh-Varr for a little while?”

Natasha whips her head around. “I want to stay here.”

“Honey.”

“You’re going to be talking about me,” she grumbles, but she slides off her chair and goes over to Bucky’s side and hugs him.

“Just for a few minutes,” Bucky promises. “Go on.”

Everyone is quiet until Natasha leaves the room. Once the door clicks closed, Bucky looks at Viktor sort of like he wants to dump Viktor’s body in the river.

Viktor appears not to notice the aggression, although Yuuri is getting more and more nervous. “Has she ever been sick?” Viktor asks with extreme Russian casualness.

Bucky’s gripping the arm of his chair so hard with his metal hand that there’s a quiet cracking sound. “The normal childhood stuff,” he grinds out. “She caught whooping cough when she was an infant, in the group home before I adopted her.”

“Oh,” Viktor says, his brow furrowing as his hair falls over his eye. “”That is bad, yes?”

“Yeah.” Bucky makes himself let go of the chair arm before he has to pay Stark for the ruined furniture. “She nearly died. The doctors were surprised that she survived, but she did. She’s got asthma and sometimes she has breathing problems, but other than that she’s healthy.” Bucky fixes Viktor with the same glare that Natasha had used minutes earlier. “What about you? Any sickness in the family we need to know about?”

Viktor’s still for a moment, utterly still, then his small, press-ready smile is back. Yuuri inches his chair closer to Viktor’s so he can press his knee against his husband’s. “No. My father’s father drank himself to death before I was born, but he grew up under Stalin so that is no surprise.”

“What about your mother?” Steve asks. “You said she was dead?”

Viktor’s expression doesn’t change. “She was murdered,” he says evenly. “Drowned, if you must know. And before you ask, it was not by my father.” Viktor brushes an imaginary speck of dust off his suit sleeve.

“We didn’t ask,” Bucky puts in.

“Ah, but many do.” He looks at Yuuri, and Yuuri can see the tension in Viktor’s posture. “We should go.”

Yuuri’s on his feet in a moment. “Where can we send the poster for Natasha?” he asks.

Everyone else rises. “You can send it here,” Steve says. “I’ll make sure she gets it.”

And this is the point where Bucky just snaps. “You can’t take her away,” he blurts out. “She’s my entire life.”

Viktor, who for once in his life doesn’t know what to say, manages to get out, “I will have my lawyer contact you,” and he moves towards the door, Yuuri in tow. Yuuri looks back to see Steve holding Bucky’s hand, but then they’re out the door.

In the lobby, Natasha is sitting with the Stark Foundation’s two-person marketing team, grumpily hole-punching papers. She jumps up when Viktor and Yuuri appear. “Are you going?” she asks suspiciously.

“We are.” Viktor walks over to her, pretending to ignore the very obvious security detail stationed by the front door. “It was very nice to meet you today, Natasha Barnes.”

Natasha looks between Viktor and Yuuri. “You too, I guess.” She scuffs her shoe on the carpet. “Are you still going to get Mila to send me a poster?”

“We are,” Viktor confirms. “Now, run along back inside, your father will want to see you.”

Natasha leaves at a run, and Viktor walks out the door without a backwards glance.

It isn’t until they’re in the cab that Yuuri asks, “What are you going to do?”

Viktor is looking out the cab window again. “I told myself that I wanted to see she was not going to grow up like me.”

Yuuri, who by this time knows what terrible things Viktor’s grandmother did to him, puts his hand over Viktor’s.

“And she is not,” Viktor went on. “She is too happy, too confident, to be like me.” He squeezes Yuuri’s hand. “And then I thought, what would happen if I took her to live with me?”

“Viktor—“

“She would hate me,” Viktor says over Yuuri. “She would hate me just as much as I hated my father for ripping apart my life.”

“Viktor.”

Viktor finally looks at Yuuri. “I cannot do it,” he says. “I cannot make decisions for someone else’s life, not like that.”

“Her dads seem nice,” Yuuri ventures.

Viktor nods. “She is happy, and she is smart, and she is growing.” He makes a face. “And in spite of my mother’s influence, she seems… normal.”

“Yeah.” Yuuri pats Viktor’s hand. “She looks a lot like you.”

Viktor sighs. “She is the picture of my mother, only...” He says something in Russian that Yuuri doesn’t quite catch. “How do you say, more blood in her?”

“Fire?” Yuuri understands, though – Viktor’s mother, although ethereally beautiful, is more like a ghost than a real being, with her silver-blonde hair and milk-white skin. Even Viktor himself looks as if he’s never seen the sun. But the little girl they had just seen, she was full of energy and life and colour. “I saw it too.”

“Which is good.” Viktor leans sideways, resting against Yuuri’s side. “That something so good can come from such tragedy.”

Yuuri rests his head on Viktor’s shoulder. “You’re here,” Yuuri says quietly. “You’re good.”

Viktor exhales. “It makes me happy that you think so.” After a minute, he leans forward and asks the driver to take them to his lawyer’s office.

Anyway. The Barnes-Rogers family spend a nervous night then the next day Bucky packs the cranky and sleep-deprived kids off to school, kicks Steve out of the house to go to work, goes for a five-mile jog with Lucky, and gets back to a voicemail from Jennifer that says Nikiforov’s lawyer is going to be at her office at eleven and Bucky better motor his ass down there. He shows up armless, hair still wet from the shower, to find that the lawyer has the official documentation from Viktor Nikiforov terminating his parental rights.

“But,” the lawyer adds while Bucky’s trying to breathe through his heart attack, “My client would like to maintain contact with the girl. Birthday cards, maybe an in-person visit while he’s in the country.”

“Only at my client’s approval,” Jennifer says smoothly.

“Of course.” The other lawyer stands. “Mr. Barnes does retain full custody and all parental rights.” He taps the paperwork on the table. “I’ll leave you to file this with the courts, Ms. Walters.”

After Bucky all but hugs Jennifer, he drives to Natasha’s school and pulls her out of class. She shows up in the headmistress’s office completely terrified, but one look at her dad and she’s hugging him.

“Steve can adopt you now, sweet pea,” Bucky whispers.

“We’re going to be a real family,” Natasha cheers.

“We’re already a real family,” Bucky corrects her, so goddamned relieved that he can’t stand up. “We’re always a family.

Then he pulls Clint out of class and Clint cheers too, and he packs the kids in the jeep to drive to Manhattan to surprise Steve with the news and everyone who’s around (Tony, Bruce, Pepper, and Rhodey and Carol who are in town on business) have a spontaneous ice cream party to celebrate.

As for Viktor and Yuuri, it takes Viktor a while to be able to verbalize his feelings, and while they’re on the way to Milan for that year’s World Figure Skating Championships Viktor is finally able to express that while he would always wonder what would have happened had things been different and he had gotten Natasha as a baby after her mother walked out, he thinks things are for the best they way they are now.

Yuuri is 40% sure that Viktor is talking out his ass, but at least Viktor knows he’s there for him if they need to work through things.

So most of it’s a happy ending, some of it is wistful, and then there’s the comedic effect we get when Viktor asks Mila to sign a poster, in English, to ‘Natasha’:

“Sure,” Mila says, uncapping the sharpie Viktor thrust at her. “Who is this Natasha? One of your fans?”

“My daughter,” Viktor says proudly, and Mila accidentally punches a hole through the poster with the pen, while a passing Yurio walks into the wall.

PS they all keep in touch and Viktor sends tickets to Skate America in the fall of 2018 and Natasha gets to meet all the skaters, and take a selfie with Mila Babicheva, and it’s the best few days of her little life, and as Natasha gets older, she builds a relationship with her biological father.

And they all live happily ever after.

[timsim26]

Nintendo Switch - Impressions

So Nintendo’s new console is out and causing quite the stir for both negative and positive reasons. After owning the console for around a month, I can safely say that I am really enjoying it as a gaming console and as a portable device. I have spent the majority of my time playing Zelda: Breath of the Wild (lets be honest who hasn’t?) and the console has really delivered on a lot of what Nintendo promised. There is a lot of great things going for the Switch and it has been fantastic hearing the positive reception from my friends and to see that it is selling just as well as they’d hoped if not better.

What Is Working Well 

The portability of the switch is absolutely incredible and still boggles the mind that I can take games on the go like Zelda and in the future something like Skyrim (cross your fingers everyone). The device’s battery life leaves a bit to be desired, but at 3 hours and around 10 with a portable charger, it is the perfect for train trips and commutes of a short distance. The primary portability use that I have so far is playing my games in bed or when the TV is in use, or I can’t be bothered being in my games room. It gives you more options to keep playing.

I adore the feel of the system and the overall design when in portable mode. The console feels very sturdy and unlike the DS doesn’t feel like I could break it just by holding it. It is comfortable to hold and feels ergonomic unlike other handhelds in the past. I really enjoy the way the thumb sticks are responsive and feel natural unlike the vita and 3DS thumbsticks. The out of the box piece of plastic controller also feels much better and is easy to hold. The original look, made it seem like it was going to be hard to hold, but when both Joy-Cons are strapped into the plastic hold, it feels natural and familiar. Nintendo have finally figured out how to make a controller that makes sense while maintaining their quirky nature

Just like the original commercial, switching the Switch is just that easy. Pulling the switch out to take your games on the go feels futuristic and certainly is something I don’t foresee getting old. Even better is when you put your handheld mode into the simple, yet effective dock to output it to your tv. This concept was definitely something I needed to see to believe and they have pulled it off effectively.

The tablet of the Switch is fantastic to look at. Another doubt that has been put to rest is how are games going to go with a 720 output when so many games are concerned with the highest possible output these days. The tablet of the Switch looks great. The colours are vibrant, the touch is responsive and it is perfect to look at from every angle. It also seems like the perfect size between not being big enough and being too big.

The UI of the Switch is very stylish and easy to use. Nintendo have clearly looked at the competition to see what is working well and how to improve the quality of their Storefront. The E-Shop (lacking music) is quick, responsive and easy to navigate. The way the UI functions as a responsive and organised system gives the feel that the Switch means serious business and should be considered equal to the Xbox One and PS4.

Zelda: Breath of The Wild. What can I say. This game is remarkable and clearly one of the best games ever made. The way everything works together so well, the world reacts to the systems surrounding it and the fantastic gameplay loop that requires patience in combat, planning when cooking and preparing for battles and also one of the most open, engaging worlds ever shown in a video game. This makes the Switch purchase justifiable and 15 hours in I have only just scratched the surface of this incredible experience.

Even Better If 

Obviously one noticeable absence for the Switch is games. Games right now and also games coming in the future right now there are no big titles announced for the Switch coming in the latter stages of the year and nothing in the immediate horizon other than the re-release of Mario Kart. This is a huge problem as the Xbox One and PS4 are completely spoiled for choice right now with huge games coming and consistently releasing all through the year. Games like Mass Effect, Shadow Of War, Prey etc. are expectedly absent from Nintendo’s console and they need something to release in order to keep their loyal fans happy during the holiday season. The recent indie movement and announcement of a bunch of high quality experiences coming to the platform has certainly done a lot to instil confidence and it would amazing to continue this trend if Nintendo cannot get the biggest AAA releases on its platform.

The online community is a massive aspect of gaming consoles these days and currently the Switch has no online community. Coming very soon (so they say) is the Switch’s answer to Xbox Live and The Playstation Network. Nintendo need to release this flawlessly and ensure the experience is user friendly and free of bugs. Releasing this after the console release may benefit them greatly, as they now have a chance to respond to the feedback and criticism. One game a month to rent is definitely not something people are going to be throwing money towards. Currently Nintendo have returned to friend codes. In the globalised world of gaming, I have friends from all over the place from Facebook groups and forums that I want to have on my friend list. Acquiring their friend code is a pain and remembering mine or checking online is a unnecessary hassle. With this you are also unsure who is adding you as names for users can repeat so you can have anything you like. Blake is adding me. I know a Blake, but is this the Blake that I know? This situation should not be occurring in 2017 for an online console. Also it is very, very, very important Nintendo get their shit together and sort out home systems and cloud saves similar to Xbox and Playstation. Right now I cannot take my saves to another console. This downright idiocy and completely frustrating in terms of a user experience. Buying a Switch to have at my parents etc. or simply wanting to log in to a friends and play my games is currently impossible unless I want to start again. Who knows what happens if my Switch breaks and my 100 hour Zelda video game save is lost. These are all very important aspects of the service that need to be fixed or added as soon as possible

As there is with any launch of new hardware, there are currently a ton of technical problems that people are having. Touch wood, I haven’t had anything go wrong with my Switch, however it is definitely widespread news that the left Joy-Con is an issue amongst the community. People have noticed that in a variety of situations the left Joy-Con will lose connection to the Switch and as a result it is causing huge latency issues that have dramatic impacts on gameplay or little dips of control. Watching Link pelt to the ground after walking off a cliff for no reason was definitely an annoyance the first and only time it has happened to me, but this is not acceptable. Hopefully Nintendo can either organise a software update that addresses the problem or they may face re-calling the left joy-cons and replacing them altogether. Another huge issue that has caused the sale of many screen protectors is the fact that sliding the Switch into the dock has caused noticeable scratches to the screen. This would cause me to hurl my Switch into the sun, as the very mechanic that sells the devices has been harming the product. People have been adding soft surfaces to the inside of the dock, adding tempered glass or screen protectors or withholding from the dock altogether as a result. It will be fascinating to see whether Nintendo remake the doc or add something that will keep the surface of the tablet safe. The battery life has also been an issue for people, as Zelda is lasting anywhere between 2 and 3 hours depending on brightness and sound. As a portable this is an issue. After taking my Switch down to Geelong for trips and now a bus trip too and from Canberra for 8-9 hours, I am glad that I spent 100 dollars on a portable charger. The device sucks power up and isn’t really designed to be a take out all day and keep playing kind of device. The Vita and 3ds’ charge make the Switch look terrible in comparison. With the output of the games, I really can’t complain.

One kick stand - really? That is pretty much all that can be said about that. What were they thinking. It is terrible quality too. I fear for my Switch’s life whenever I pull it out. I would not be surprised to see the Switch 2.0 release with 2 kickstands to make it that much sturdier.

So many additional purchases and ludicrously high prices. As mentioned previously the need for a screen protector and portable charger are only some of the extra purchases that I have made for the Switch. A carrier case, microfibre and a pro-controller are all additions that I have made so far with new Joy-Cons a likely buy down the track when hopefully a new Mario Party game is announced . This has added to price dramatically and the need to have these things begs the question, should they have come in the box? Nintendo definitely enjoy profiting from peripherals, however these prices and needs seem slightly ridiculous.

Hopes For The Future -

The Vita was definitely an impressive machine when it launched. It had ridiculously good games both of the Indie and AAA caliber. However it never fully became the AAA machine that many wished it was. The promise that the handheld had originally due to the hope of a new God of War, Portable Infamous and the like came to a grinding halt when Sony didn’t support their machine with exclusive games and massive releases. The Switch will definitely have the AAA support that Sony never gave their handheld and with the notion that this is actually a home console, there is a guarantee that AAA Nintendo games that will be playable on the go in the future. This is terribly exciting if third party publishers can start releasing their games as well in order to develop the best portable gaming ecosystem in history.

Speaking of AAA support, this is the biggest aspect that will either make or break the Switch. The Wii-U suffered with the lack of third party support and games like Watch Dogs, Call of Duty and Assassins Creed didn’t really capture gamer’s interest on the platform due to inferior versions and delayed release dates. It was great playing Assassins Creed 3 months after it had already come out (not). If the Switch is too succeed then it must get developers on board and releasing their games in a timely manner. With the limited power compared to the PS4 and Xbox One and soon to be dwarfed by Scorpio, this is definitely Nintendo’s biggest problem. Without these games, we will again rely on Nintendo’s first party and indie releases for the Switch. Even if Nintendo organise to get older games and ports like they have with Skyrim, the system will have more chance to succeed.   people get on board

The boldest move that Nintendo could possible make is to leave the 3DS behind and move Pokemon to the Switch. After Sun and Moon’s absolutely massive release, selling hundreds of thousands of copies, Nintendo needs to ensure that Pokemon is only available on this platform. I am sure that this will enrage many people, but it wouldn’t be the first time that people have had to move on from a system. A Pokemon game with more processing power and a better quality screen and also the ability to play it at home on your TV would be absolutely incredible and a huge system seller for the console. Nintendo need to strike while the iron is hot after the hype generated by Pokemon Go and this may be the necessary unit mover that the Switch needs.

Open world RPG’s are exactly what the Switch needs. After seeing how people have lost themselves in the world of Hyrule with Zelda, the Switch and Nintendo need to embrace this style  and genre and get as many games as possible that are similar. People are enjoying having something as deep, complex and engaging that can be taken on the go. More of these games will be a great thing for the console.

An obvious need and hope is the fact that Nintendo absolutely bring it with their AAA exclusives just as they did with the Wii-U. Zelda has set the bar at absolutely unreachable heights, however I have faith Nintendo understands how essential it is to release games that are this calibre. If the Switch picks up a larger audience, then these games have the chance to really shine as some of the best ever released just as Zelda has. A new Metroid game, a new Mario, A new Mario Party and a new Smash Brothers and a exclusive Pokemon Switch game are all at the top of my list.

[ladala99]

Pokemon Sword/Shield Review - From a Dexit Critic

And no, I’m not here to trash the game.

So yeah, I noticed Sword and Shield went down in price a bit, considered how much that would make the Game+DLC, and decided it was worth a try. I was always intending on eventually getting the game for the purpose of having a primary source for Galar Pokemon for my collection, and the price drop was enough of an incentive to make it be now. Or, actually more like a month ago. I’ve let this sit before reviewing it.

Spoilers ahead!

What I Had Heard Before Going In

I had a very negative perception of the games due to pre-release info and the fanbase’s hate dump. These are the things I knew:

- Dexit - N64 Tree - Pokemon models and animations are the same as previous games, despite GameFreak saying they needed to be redone from scratch - Wild Area empty and uninteresting - No plot - Somehow there’s handholding despite the lack of plot - Game is too easy - Except Leon, maybe - Exp Share cannot be turned off - No one in the region will shut up about Leon - Hop will not shut up about type advantages - No exploration - There are two battle backgrounds - one for overworld that’s grassy and decent, and one for indoors that’s a white void.

The last one turned out to be objectively false - while certain indoor areas that have very few battles (like, 1 or 2 story ones) have the white void background, every route and major battling location has its own background, much like in Let’s Go, Pikachu and Eevee. And they look really good.

How I Decided to Play

Since I had heard that the Exp Share was stuck on and I had had really bad experience with that previously, I decided on a special ruleset. I would still use only 6 Pokemon on my team, but I would only ever have 3 Pokemon in my party at a time so they would level more individually.

I found that this ended up being just about the right difficulty. Lots of strategy, especially with the gimped team, lots of item usage, and lots of Pokemon Center visits. I did, however, end up having all 6 on me during Gym and Rival fights and the Champion Cup later in the game, though, as I noticed the difficulty ramping up.

I also decided not to get the DLC for my first playthrough. Part of what made me feel that the Game+DLC price was acceptable was the idea that I’d play the game once with just the base game, and then download the DLC and play it again as if it were a third version (on a second profile). And I decided that, after I finished the game the first time, I would set my calendar for three months afterwards to play again with the DLC. That time hasn’t come yet, so I still have only played the base game.

The Story

Now onto the actual review!

I seem to be in a minority, but I adore the plot of every Pokemon game Ohmori has directed, and Sword and Shield is no exception.

The story here revolves around the Champion Cup, which is pretty refreshing - the last game I’d say had the League as its primary plot (barring remakes) is Generation II.

And the story isn’t just about you - it’s about your rivals Hop, Bede, and Marnie. Each of the characters has a different reason to be pursuing the Champion Cup: Hop because he wants to be just like his big brother Leon, who is Champion; Bede because he’s an orphan adopted by President Rose, and he wants to live up to Rose’s expectations of him; Marnie because she comes from a small town barely holding onto Gym Town status since it doesn’t have a Power Spot, and she wants to make her town proud. As always, though, you don’t really have a story. You’re more of a force of nature that ruins everyone’s dreams.

Each of these characters has their own arc as well:

Hop goes from enthusiastic to realizing that he isn’t as strong as he wants to be when Bede (and you) beat him in battle. Bede, channeling Silver, taunts him for being weak and he takes it to heart, changing up his team completely for a while. Eventually, he realizes that using Pokemon he’s not close to isn’t working, and he returns to his original team. He gets really far in the Champion Cup, all the way until the challenger finals, but ultimately loses to you.

Bede desperately wants to be strong and make Rose proud. He collects Wishing Stones for Rose’s purposes while also crushing (most) battles in the Champion Cup. He has a drive to be the best, whatever it takes, and ends up destroying a mural for Wishing Stones. Rose finds out about the vandalism and disqualifies him from the Champion Cup, crushing his dreams. Opal, the Fairy-type Gym Leader, ends up deciding that he would be her successor, even though he didn’t want that role. Even though he couldn’t compete in the Champion Cup, he still challenges you to a rematch, disrupting the competition. Leon doesn’t mind and allows it.

Marnie doesn’t appear in your path too often, and her presence is mostly felt by the presence of Team Yell. Marnie just wants to compete fair and square, but Team Yell disrupt all of the other challengers for Marnie’s benefit, preventing them from moving on before Marnie finishes each Gym, and ultimately blocking the route to Spikemuth completely so no one else can compete. She tolerates her hometown fans up until they block everyone else, at which point she helps you out and scolds them. You face her first in the Champion Cup and I never felt more sorry for crushing her dreams because I felt for her trying to advance her town’s reputation.

The Legendary plot and the Villain plot do exist as well, and they feel pretty separate this time.

The Legendary plot primarily involves Sonia as she travels around the region learning about the Legendary Hero who turns out to be two heroes and two Pokemon. You accompany her to various statues, murals, and tapestries as she tries to piece the Legend together. Eventually, you realize the Pokemon depicted is the same one you and Hop saw at the very beginning of the game, traveling too far into the Slumbering Weald. You go back, find the Rusty Sword and Rusty Shield that the heroes wielded, and summon the Legendaries in the villain plot. In the post-game, as you and Hop return the relics, a couple of guys who claim to be royals and celebrities steal Hop’s relic and try to make that Legendary go wild. When they succeed, you battle that Legendary to calm it down, and your Legendary will appear to challenge you, at which point you can catch it. Hop then goes after his Legendary and befriends it offscreen.

The Villain plot is hinted at through Bede’s collection of the Wishing Stones, and there is a point where Dynamax Energy spikes where it shouldn’t be, but what’s going on isn’t apparent until the very end of the Champion Cup. Chairman Rose interrupts you right before the Champion match to awaken Eternatus in some vague hope to solve an energy crisis that wouldn’t happen for 1000 years.

How appropriate that this happens in a game where some Pokemon aren’t programmed in because “eventually there will be too many to fit" so they decided to stop well before there were too many to fit in the game. Because honestly: there’s room.

Eternatus goes crazy and causes “the Darkest Day” which happened in the past and was what caused the Legendary Heroes to be heroes when they stopped it. You and Hop awaken the Legendaries and do a Raid Battle against Eternatus, ending with you capturing it. Also there are some shenanigans with evil League Staff known as Macro Cosmos and a long elevator ride on the way.

A lot of the Villain plot Leon handles, much like Sonia handles the Legendary plot, both up until you and Hop need to awaken the Legendaries. So most of it feels out-of-nowhere even if some of it was foreshadowed.

The energy crisis, though. There’s no indication of that at all in the game. No one ever says anything like “the rate we’re using energy, we’ll eventually run out. But it’ll be long after we’re dead so whatever.” If enough people had that attitude, I could see where Rose is coming from!

But instead Rose just brings it up at the very climax, and he doesn’t have a good reason why he couldn’t wait even one more day for the Championship Cup to finish. It’s 1000 years in the future - you have time! To find a less-destructive method, even! Like, I don’t think the problem was solved in the end because you captured Eternatus so it couldn’t provide energy.

And no one afterward mentioned the distant energy crisis. No “we’ll need to think of ways to conserve energy so no maniac tries something like that again,” nothing.

In conclusion: Villain plot sucked, Legendary plot was okay, and Championship Cup plot was really good.

Gyms, Battles and Difficulty

Due to how I played, I can’t fairly score this versus other games in the series. I will say that if you’re underleveled, the game is really fun. Every battle on every route is a challenge, and the Gym Battles test your strategies and resources. Especially Raihan.

The fact that the Exp. Share is always on is annoying and caused me to play oddly. I think next time I’ll do a team of 12 instead of a split team of 6, though. Not having the right type matchups ended up making me reset a couple of times as the battle was unwinnable at my level with what I had in the party. I just worry that I won’t feel as attached to the team if I have 12 of them.

Especially since there really aren’t that many overworld battles. It’s especially apparent since the previous games were Kanto remakes, which meant games that had those maze-like routes with a gauntlet of trainers. Now there’s about  3-5 trainers per route, and there aren’t that many routes in the game. At the end of each route you will find one of your rivals that sort-of acts as a boss, but even then that’s still a very low number of battles.

All Gyms have 3 Gym Trainers and the Gym Leader, but what’s interesting in the puzzles. Especially since they’re the only puzzles in the game. Each one is different, and they’re all pretty neat. Also interesting is that Gyms don’t let you leave and heal after every fight. At least, I don’t think they do. I never needed to.

Overworld Exploration

I mentioned it in the previous section, but it really lacks. Routes are mostly-straight lines with some side paths for items, usually really short ones. Even Gym puzzles are really linear.

I’d say there’s two places you can get lost at all - Glimwood Tangle and the water route between Circhester and Spikemuth.

Overworld puzzles are limited to “go on this optional path” and “realize you can go between these bushes/behind this building for an item.” You can feel the lack of field moves.

The Wild Area

Okay, the exception to the linear routes is the Wild Area. The base game essentially has two, but they’re connected and you can access both parts right away.

It’s big, things respawn, the weather and thus spawns change every day, and the Raid Battles scale to your level. It’s really fun, but it feels like a side mode. It feels like something you would access by going to a different option on the main menu rather than something that’s a part of the rest of the game world, especially since it has its own currency.

It reminds me of the Sinnoh Underground except without the Secret Base option. As in, it’s something fun to come back to often, but, again, it’s not really part of the main game.

Yes, it has N64 trees, yes the pop-in is noticeable, and yes the terrain feels unfinished. It has problems, but I find it pretty fun.

My only real issue with it is that you have to beat all of the existing Raid Battles before more will appear, and they stay the same rarity when the date changes. I’m in the postgame, and I’m having trouble soloing 5-star Raids and I’m also having a hard time finding people interested in my base-game 5-star Raids. So I’m basically throwing myself against the same raid over and over again because I have no other options (I’m saving my Wishing Pieces for when I need a specific Pokemon).

Dexit?

Still a thing, and still an issue. I am attempting to obtain every ribbon my Shiny Minun can get on, and Galar still won’t let her in. It also means that if I use RNG on the full Pokedex to choose a team, I’ll have to double-check that that Pokemon can actually be used in Galar. It sucks.

The game tries to make up for it with a huge Pokedex, but that just makes finishing the Regional Dex harder. I used to feel that catching 386 Pokemon to complete the Gen III National Dex was impossible, and Galar has a Regional Dex of 400 species! (As did Alola in the Ultra titles, but it was split into three sub-dexes)

I’ve been tackling the Pokedex using the suggested catches, and I’m about halfway through and bored. I’m determined to keep going until it stops suggesting things, but it feels like an endless climb at this point, since every time I finish collecting a group, another group shows up, and since I’m not going in order, I can’t look at the scroll bar and see “wow, look at how much I’ve done!” I started with this method, though, and I’m going to finish with it.

The National Dex was never my issue, and making the Regional Dex humongous doesn’t help its absence. Because I don’t miss the checklist - I miss being able to use any Pokemon of my choosing without double-checking that I actually can. I’m actually glad the National Dex is gone since it means getting the Shiny Charm is easier. But with the Regional Dexes bloating in size, it’s not helping.

Pokemon Camp

Just going to mention that it’s really cute, but really shallow. And there’s not a reliable enough way to get berries for me to feel comfortable using the rarer berries in making better Curry.

It also gives Exp just from interacting with your Pokemon, so I avoided using it when I played so I didn’t have a chance of getting overleveled. Which sucks because I tend to really like features like this.

I don’t know if I’m going to try to complete my Curry Dex. With version exclusive ingredients that can’t be traded over HOME’s GTS, and the fact that I’m pretty shy about asking the community for things, I don’t know if it’s possible for me. It’s a cute feature, though. I just wish it didn’t require trading.

So Those Flaws?

Let’s look at them again, shall we?

- Dexit Still an issue - N64 Tree Yep. Wild Area is unpolished. - Pokemon models and animations are the same as previous games, despite GameFreak saying they needed to be redone from scratch Yep. - Wild Area empty and uninteresting It’s unpolished, but not empty nor uninteresting imo. - No plot Yeah there is, it’s just focused on the Champion Cup - Somehow there’s handholding despite the lack of plot You know, I never saw Sun and Moon as handholdy. This game is even less-so. - Game is too easy If you use a 6-Pokemon team that you keep in your Party, it probably is. - Except Leon, maybe I did not find Leon any harder than other fights. He is higher level, though. - Exp Share cannot be turned off Indeed. You really need to work around this to have fun. At least, I assume. - No one in the region will shut up about Leon It happened a bit at the beginning, but it didn’t seem gratuitous. - Hop will not shut up about type advantages He mentions it once a battle. Or twice if he hits you with one. I missed mid-fight dialogue, so I didn’t mind. - No exploration Very little exploration, yes.

So many are valid, but some of them aren’t as bad as people made them out to be.

Conclusion

Sword and Shield are very flawed Pokemon games, but they’re still Pokemon games and still fun.

They certainly aren’t all bad, and even do a few things right, like how well-characterized the rivals are and the Wild Area concept in general. This isn’t even going into Competitive since I haven’t dipped my toes in there yet.

I had a good time with the base game, better than I thought I would. But I can safely say Diamond and Pearl are no longer my least-favorite Pokemon games. That title now belongs to Sword and Shield.

[crstapor]

The Toilet Bowl

Harrison Krutch wasn’t the sort of man who would take shit from anybody, though he would take a crap wherever he liked. Sheriff once caught him crapping behind the Dairy Queen near the Interstate, and that only a week after he’d given Walmart’s pallet shed a double deuce. Since a child he’d been animal-like with his waste. A trait most thought he’d learned from his pa. Fact of it that one day he’d seen his chocolate lab, Skip, going where he would; that was enough for Harrison. Dog and boy were close before old man Sessions and the grizzled Chevrolet. Nine years since Skip departed it still dredged up pain whenever Harrison put memory to it. He was doing so just then, heading about 55 per down Willow, when he realized those burritos weren’t sitting any longer.

> Fuckin fire sauce …

December and a cold one he pulled into an Exxon with lights. Opening the door to the interior warmth he conjured a wicked image of the lady behind the register, who he did not know. The restroom was unlocked and empty before Harrison gave it squatter’s rights. Toilet seat a patchwork quilt of sepia stains Harrison sat without care. Half way through his first big push a wooden plank covering a small hole the opposite wall rattled, squeaked, moved off its nails. Harrison eyed the activity with a dull concern; his higher mind still working out the scat. Little door fell to ground and a small boy popped his head out the ingress.

> You the one stinking up my parlor?

> This’s the place for it. What you want?

> See if you any good at games.

> I’m the best at about fifty of ’em.

> That right?

> Shit.

> You got anything to bet?

> I got a plane.

> No you don’t.

> Aright, I got a boat, but I didn’t want to say nothing or you’d think I was rich.

The boy eyed him for a steady second.

> Boat?

> Pontoon, down Center Hill.

> Fine. You can bet that, but hurry up now, game’s about to start.

Harrison pushed the last of it out while carelessly wadding up some TP. Chuckled to himself.

> Guess he don’t care it can’t float!

*

The tunnel was already small for the boy so it gave Harrison grief getting through. Pipes and slimy wood merging into gritty rocks till the man-made aspect was forgot. Scampering ahead the boy would stop every so often to make sure Harrison was keeping pace, which he was, more out of that spite some men get from bragging than any honest desire to know truth. When he thought to ask what the boy was bringing to the table, what stake he’d play in the game, Harrison nearly shouted the query down-tunnel like rifle fire.

> What about my boat?

> Said it was on Center Hill. What about it?

> What you putting up?

> You’re my second. You’re the one betting tonight.

> Huh?

> Another fifty yards then we can talk, the boy echoed back at Harrison along the darkening walls.

By the time the two gamers reached the opening alcove Harrison had thought twice someone was putting him on. Didn’t figure it was the boy because Harrison instinctually believed all children pure idiots, though he’d seen that proven wrong once or twice dealing with Charlene’s spawn. Still, it was just him and the kid so he decided to object.

> Aint going no further till you tell me about this game.

> You climbed down half a mile before getting curious?

> None of that - spill it.

> Fine. Everyone calls it something different, and no one knows when it started, but it’s been going on for a long time. Players come from all over, like you wouldn’t believe. Once you played enough, raised in the ranks, you get to bring a second. Tonight that’s you.

At which point the boy stopped speaking, carefully examined a nook in the earthen wall. Harrison realized he had no idea where it was coming from, but a pale light emanated from each crevasse and crack. Satisfied, the boy turned back to Harrison.

> Picked you for a reason.

> So?

> You lived it hard and wild right? Razor’s edge whatnot -

> You don’t know - what’s your name?

> Call me Jeff.

> And we teammates Jeff?

> Yeah, tonight we are, but before we enter the coliseum you have to promise.

> Promise to win? Already said I -

> No no, not that. You can’t make a promise like that and I wouldn’t believe it if you did. You have to promise you won’t talk about it. What happens next.

> Like that movie where Meatloaf had tits? That was a dumb movie.

His eyes beaded up, the boy, as he bore into what passed for Harrison’s soul.

> Forget it. You’ll be fine.

*

Inside the coliseum Harrison quite nearly lost his shit. He remembered thinking, while considering whether or not to utterly freak out, if it was even possible to believe it, all of it, and if he did, if that didn’t mean he was crazier than old Hudge. Hudge was damn insane and Harrison knew it. Sober he’d wrestled a black bear east of Maryville. Whole battle caught on a video not just some lip. Another time Hudge had stopped a train down by Patty’s bare-handed, or that’s what Tim Abner said and anyone called Tim Abner a liar might as well move out the state. But this, Harrison reflected, surveying the scene around the coliseum, if this was sanity they should go ahead and give Hudge his job back teaching fourth grade.

About the size of a high school gym the coliseum was a large domed chamber center of which bubbled a pit of teal lava. Around the pit a circular walkway, some ten feet up from the frothing goo, lapped the room. Harrison and Jeff, who’d entered from a seemingly hidden door, were immediately surrounded by a throng of competitors all milling about - the likes of which were Harrison’s instant cause of alarm. He’d been to Nashville once, seen enough movies to figure there had to be other people in the world, but the diversity of faces, clothes, tongues and affectations that assailed him then conjured a panic attack worse than the night Charlene’d said it was his, no lie.

Jeff noticed his second’s discomfort, set about allaying him.

> What? Now you’re a sissy?

Harrison, unable to breathe right, let alone speak, dumbly pointed around the room.

> Yeah. They’re the competition. Get a good look. That’s part of it.

As if the whole History Channel had left screen, formed up beside him, corporeal. He judged a total crowd of five hundred odd, all from what appeared as many differing homes. He saw horsemen of the American plains, grey coats or blue from the Northern War, jungle dwellers of the Amazon, what he knew as vikings then men in togas or others wearing the flowery dress of the Orient. Pasty men in weird wigs, tall gaunt ones burnished by sun and others, stranger to his eye. They were all paired two apiece, mostly keeping to themselves. Each casting a pallid hue. It was then Harrison noticed Jeff aglow as well.

> Why’re you shining? You swallow a battery?

Jeff shook his head. Smiled an elfin grin that cut Harrison to the quick.

> They didn’t even have batteries when I ate dust.

> What? Walmart’s sold batteries forever. Long as I’ve …

About that point Harrison got the picture.

Then he lost his shit.

* Jeff pulled Harrison against the wall, away from the railing and runny pile of vomit, shaking his head the while.

> I thought you were tough. Thought you’d seen it all.

> Aint never seen this! The hell could I have seen this?!?

Jeff managed a disgruntled sigh. Stroked his chin calmly, nodded at nothing. Finally shrugged his shoulders, turned toward the pit. First match had just begun.

> Phooey.

Harrison, picking something gooey out of his mouth, grimaced a bit then got interested in what was happening below. Everyone else in the coliseum was moving near the edge.

> It was just those burritos Jeff, shouldn’t have had the fire sauce -

> Fire sauce? Quiet now. Watch and learn.

> Learn what?

> How you play.

* The first match was over in about three minutes. As Harrison had it a haggard black from slave-days Mississippi fought and beat a Chinese man on a horse covered in furs. After entering the lava pit the combatants stood out on small docks and sort of stared each other down. Intent like murder, Harrison figured right as he was getting bored. The staring went on more than a minute. Then, and only after they’d taken the whole of the other, odd images emerged from the lava, the goo, the pulsing fluid underneath. The shapes began taking on forms familiar to each player, foul forms from their past. Like spectral puppets reenacting hideous moments of their lives. More the player concentrated his fury at the other the more puppets emerged, sort of swaying above the sludge like a twisted Macy’s Day parade. This continued long enough for Harrison to get bored again. Then, right as he was going to make a comment betraying his cultural sensitivities, the black’s puppets rushed his opponent in such wild barbarity full of furious hatred that Harrison could barely believe it. Engulfed, the loser fell off his dock, into the slime below.

> Hot damn! Chink ate nigga slam!

> Yeah, that’s old John Cook. He can fight. John Cook can win.

> Damn again, again I say damn! Where’s the China fellow then? He -

> He’s out Harrison. He’s gone. Shoot, Jeff said as much to the air as his second, before turning his attention to a dour man in a turban.

Harrison watched as the victor climbed out of the ring. As he was congratulated by the crowd, as what he could only figure bets were paid out or received. Jeff seemed to be working out a bet with the turban but that didn’t bother Harrison.

> But really now, where’s that Chinese gone? When’s he -

> Dammit Harrison, can’t you see I’m working a deal -

> He got nothing worth a pontoon. But that don’t change the fact of it -

> Fact of it is, if you lose down there there aint no coming back. Not only are you dead, you’re dead for good.

Harrison thought about that with pursed lips. Then inspiration hit him.

> Yeah, but what if you wasn’t dead to begin with?

> Then you’re just dead Harrison. Then you just die.

* A Roman gladiator bested an Incan scout and Harrison still didn’t know. Next an Inuit whale-slayer barely etched victory from a decrepit Aborigine which made Harrison think of his mother for some reason, a mother who’d left him to grow up alone. The Confederate soldier didn’t stand half a chance versus the child from Babylon, a loss felt by Harrison more for the memories it roused of his pa than any half-sworn dedication to rebellion or Southern pride. Then a Cherokee bowman confronted a strange figure draped in folded robes, a battle Harrison wrote off as clear-cut till it proved the most interesting bout so far. With the other spectators Harrison got so wrapped up in the win (the Bedouin, to his dismay) that he was very nearly more concerned with finding glory than preserving his immortal soul.

> Goddamn those foreigners won’t give the South a chance! I’ll show ’em a country boy can -

> What? Talk out his asshole? Grit and stones won’t do it alone. You have to have a plan. You got one?

Harrison considered Jeff’s words quickly.

> Where you from boy?

> Was raised in Missouri. What about your plan?

> Seems your plan was inviting me along. I aint scared. I’ll win if I have to.

> Guess that’s the idea. So you know, I put your pontoon up against a box of magic acorns.

> That’s fair, Harrison replied like you could buy magic acorns at Kroger. During a brief intermission Harrison surprised himself by noting the complete lack of women in attendance.

> Why aint there any girls Jeff?

> Can’t rightly say.

> So you all queers?

> Probably just have something better to do. Now shut up; this one’s worth study.

The match before Harrison’s was between an ageless Russian and a timid youth from Victoria’s England. It lasted a long time. Better half of an hour. Evenly matched, the contestants had so nearly filled the ring with ghostly muppets the eerie constructs were encroaching on the railing, forcing the fans from edge. When the killing blow was delivered no one knew who exactly had sent it. As the ectoplasm settled back to a simmer neither player could be seen. As a jubilant murmur went through the audience Jeff shouted,

> What!?! A tie!

> How’s it a tie? They both lost, Harrison said like he always knew it.

> Not in sixty-plus years … hot God …

> Who won Jeff? They both went out.

Before Jeff could answer all the lights flicked off then on in quick, triple secession.

> Shitters MacDougall. That’s game.

Harrison knew what the code meant, just didn’t believe it.

> They aint kicking us out are they? They can’t kick us out -

> Can and did.

> But I didn’t get to play!

> Saves you a pontoon.

As the spectators milled about and departed Harrison’s eyes went hazy. Mind cloudy he thought it a shame he hadn’t had his chance in the ring, that he could have won, maybe set a record. Considered assuring Jeff all about it but by then Jeff was gone.

* She’d pulled one double on top another. Didn’t really see how she needed this crap. Some pervert in the men’s room finger-painting with poo. All night too, look of it. Cops didn’t ask why she didn’t find him sooner, didn’t figure an answer make much difference. Harrison was startled when they broke through the door. Sort of woke right up. Flaccid cock in shit-stained hands. Weird scrawlings on the walls described via feces likely his own. Long, stretched out doggish figure between parallel lines. Boxy house broken in pieces. Two misshapen men striking each other, while another, with poofy hair, watched from far away. Cereal boxes or TV screens. Myriad vaginas.

Nor did he help the situation by addressing it.

> Any y’all see a little Jew boy from Missouri? Fucker owes me a box of magic figs.