#constantly afraid I’ll just straight up forget HOW to draw him……..

[bloopme911]

Random WandaVision Thoughts

Thoughts about WandaVision I cannot get out of my head, so here you go.

SPOILERS AHEAD. BLOOP. YOU’VE BEEN WARNED. 

1. Wanda and Vision are connected by the stone. 

I went back and watched AOU and pretty much from the moment Vision is on screen, the connection between him and Wanda is obvious. Her reaction to him in particular struck me. She exhaled like she was drawn to him--to the stone. She also said she saw inside his mind before he was brought to life. 

I believe they’re meant to be together, not only b/c of their chemistry together and compassion for one another, but also b/c of that mind stone. It gave him life and awakened her latent powers. It drew them to one another the moment they met. Vision himself even said in Civil War that he didn’t fully understand the stone, or how it works exactly; it’s a mystery to him. That stone is POWERFUL. It “speaks” to Vision, it “has a mind of it’s own”, it’s not a passive player, IMO. 

...more after the kr...

2. Wanda can channel the powers of ALL of the stones in her chaos magic.

This I can’t claim credit for, but I believe it. I saw a theory on ScreenCrush (great YT channel for dummies like me to break things down) that Wanda can not only bend reality to her will, she can channel pretty much all the powers of the five stones. She demonstrates this in many ways -- bringing the butterflies and stork to life, rewinding the turkey until it turned into eggs, planting visions into Avengers heads, controlling the minds of the Sokovian citizens so they would evacuate the city in AOU, etc, etc, etc. 

ScreenCrush theorizes that the stones are all connected, having sprung from the same fabric of the universe, their powers work alone but also together. Inside Wanda. If she concentrates, if she wills it, she can be just as powerful as Thanos was with that Infinity Gauntlet. So yeah, I believe she can trap a whole town under a spell and give Dr. Strange a run for his money across the multiverse, point blank periodt. 

And if she can do that, could she not remake Vision? Pull his atoms back together, reform him, especially if she (somehow) got ahold of the copy Shuri made of his neural network? Why wouldn’t she bring Pietro back to life? I’m not sure...perhaps it could be that it’s simply too painful. Or perhaps she just doesn’t want to put her brother under a spell in a dream world. Vision is Vision, he can handle this, and she may not feel as bad resetting him when he gets too suspicious she might if she had to do that to her brother. I don’t know...time will tell, hopefully.

3. Wanda was an Avenger, training under Black Widow. She got rid of her accent intentionally. 

I see people referencing her “suddenly disappearing” accent a lot. I think she (the character) did this on purpose. In the opening of Civil War, when her accent was first starting to fade, she was being taught to spy by Black Widow and Sam and the gang. It stands to reason that accents and speaking with what TV folks used to call a “non regional diction” or any accent she pleases would be part of that training. 

Since this WandaVision is based on a sitcom reality, if you know how painstakingly they recreated these sitcom eras, plot tropes and all, then you’ll find that not only is Vision’s behavior based on the popular ‘TV Dads’ of each era (Dick Van Dyke, Mike Brady, Ricky Ricardo, etc) but Wanda was also mimicking the way TV wives speak and act during each era. Perfect 50s diction for Ep 1, slightly more relaxed like a Mary Tyler Moore in Ep 2, a bit more broad and (with a lot more physical comedy in her face, she’s so adorable) for the 70s.....the MCU didn’t forget about Wanda’s accent and Elizabeth Olsen isn’t being lazy.

Wanda deliberately got rid of her accent while she was a spy, and she slipped into it when she was thinking of her brother, her home, her childhood lullaby. 

4. “Geraldine” a.k.a. Monica was casing Wanda’s house. 

I noticed that from the moment Monica set foot inside, she covered a lot of ground. She found little ways to check that house out because she’s a trained agent and I think even though she was NAILING the part of the stereotypical 70′s black “foxy” nosy neighbor, she was 100% on a mission that whole time. She went in to get Wanda out, but the pregnancy obviously derailed that. I think she was waiting for an opportunity to gage when she could jog Wanda’s memory and probably also waiting to make sure Wanda would be at home alone before she stopped by. 

She has “no home” in the town, Agnes said, but she is a SWORD trained agent, so she knew how to survive until she could make her move. Unfortunately, Wanda was not having it. She does not want to be saved. “Geraldine”/Monica also said during her crazy work story that she keeps her cool under pressure, which she did during that BONKERS delivery. She even gave Wanda the coaching she needed to get through it despite the house going all Poltergeist around her. 

I only wish that when Wanda was questioning her, she would have been like “I’m Monica Rambeau, I’m here to rescue you.”

5. The townspeople have known all along about both Wanda and Vision’s powers, but they’re only terrified of Wanda. 

Vision used his powers in front of people from day one. Helping Mr. Hart at dinner (notice how IMMEDIATELY after Vision saved him, they left in a hurry? They were terrified. They went there to act out a dinner, not for Mrs. Hart to watch her husband almost die without being able to break character to save him, and Mrs. Hart knew it was Wanda who could make it stop). Speed computing at the office. Obviously the magic show kinda sort doesn’t count but does b/c come on mirrors don’t work like that. Getting the doctor, etc. No, I think the townspeople know Wanda and Vision are Avengers, but there is nothing they can do about it because they are under a spell and they must carry out the FOR THE CHILDREN evil plot. I’ll bet word spread about Wanda choking Mr. Hard, so they def don’t want to piss off Wanda, nor bring the wrath of the nefarious entity controlling them all (most signs point to Mephisto). 

6. Agnes’ witch costume reminds me that there are some tropes in media where evil witches are the wives of the devil (or sell their souls/enter a pact). 

Obviously the Mephisto Comic story line sets this up, but I just love the way they executed it in the show, using the spouse that never appears on screen as a big fat clue.

Agnes may not be evil but she def wants Wanda to have children for her devil husband and she def does not want “Geraldine” disrupting that. Everyone else just seems straight up afraid of Wanda but Agnes knows who is really pulling the strings here. Agnes is terrified of the Big Bad, whereas the townsfolk fear Wanda b/c they know what she’s capable of. They may even believe Wanda is the one controlling them all--and she is--but Agnes knows who’s manipulating Wanda--Ralph, or Mephisto to us.

7. I get the strange impression that the sitcom credits start because Wanda is waking up for the day, and end because for her the day is over... 

...and she’s done concentrating so hard on the sitcom spell. It’s sleep time for REAL-real. If she’s using magic to keep this stage play going constantly, then it stands to reason she will tire even though she’s pretending to live in sitcom world where time works totally differently. I believe the commercials are her dreams, sending her subconscious messages about her past traumas. I also believe dreams could be the way Mephisto called out to her--subconsciously drawing her to Westview.

Fun fact: TV way back in the day used to turn off at a certain time at night. 11pm or midnight, I can’t remember, but the networks STOPPED BROADCASTING at a certain time and there was no such things as 24-hour TV until like the late 80s. 

There are waaaaaaaay more thoughts banging around in my head but this post is pretty long so until the next time I’m wide awake at 4am with the 70′s WandaVision theme song stuck in my head...

[hotdamnhunnam]

Will Miller: Sex in Publix

A/N: FINALLY writing for Will Fucking “Ironhead” Miller from Triple Frontier!!! So excited, my dears!! Here’s some smut about you helping Will recover from his violent cereal aisle incident at Publix... which results in you two having shameless public sex.

Pairing: Will “Ironhead” Miller x F!Reader Warnings: smut, swearing, dirty talk, reference to traumatic experience, sex in public (obvs) Inspiration: WILL’S SPEECH from the opening scene of the movie. Serious big dick energy 🥵

Word Count: ~2.5k

** THE SPEECH **

Quoted from Triple Frontier’s opening scene

Parts that are referenced in this fic are in bold below. (You seriously need to watch it, though...)

About five years ago, when I was on leave... I found myself standing in the middle of the cereal aisle at the Publix... with my arm around some guy's throat. I was squeezing so hard he pissed himself.  My fiancée at the time had to climb on my back just so I didn’t actually kill the guy.  Do you know why I was doing this? Because he hadn’t moved his cart when I asked.  I was the best of the best, able to shut down, control, manipulate... all basic human instincts towards one goal: the completion of my mission. But the effects of committing extreme violence on other human beings are biological and physiological. That’s the price of being a warrior.

Fic begins after ‘Keep reading’ ...

***************

A/N: Why yes, I just inserted the same gif again, so that you have the image right above, for purposes of the description of this mouthwatering motherfucker doing his GODDAMN CHEWING GUM LOWER LIP TONGUE THING in the third paragraph 😛

“We shouldn’t even be here...”

“Will, you say that every time,” you remind your fiancé as he strolls your cart through the aisles at Publix, slowly approaching Aisle 6. You can feel him tense up now as you’re drawing near. “It’s like I told you, babe—the best way to work through your shit is to come and revisit the scene of the crime.”

“Crime?” he rolls his tongue around the piece of gum he’s chewing, lets it slide along the inside of his full pink lower lip. He knows just what he’s doing: making it bulge in a way that looks fucking delicious. That action in itself is a crime calling for arrest. “You know the guy didn’t press charges.”

“That’s because you threatened to kill him if he did. Besides, the poor bastard had just pissed all over the floor; I’m pretty sure he wasn’t going wild to include that kind of detail if he filed a police report.”

He shrugs that off with a half-laugh. Tries to ignore how he had choked a total stranger with such brutal force... simply because he hadn’t moved his cart when Will had asked. “The fact stands that I’m criminally innocent.”

“Of course. The perfect model citizen,” you can’t help but indulge him in a playful little compliment. “With model good looks, too.”

Will rolls his eyes, those eyes you constantly effuse are the most gorgeous shade of blue. He never seems to think it’s true. “Butter me up, why don’t you.”

“Like I always do.”

He cracks a smile, which quickly vanishes as you reach Aisle 6. “Speaking of which, didn’t we just finish the butter in the fridge? I’ll go and grab some; maybe you can get the cereal, then meet me in the dairy aisle...”

“Nice try, big guy—not happening. Come on,” you urge, taking a soft yet firm hold of his muscular upper arm. “What, are you scared of Cap’n Crunch or something? Man up, Captain. Don’t be a pussy ass bitch.”

“Cap’n Crunch is creepy as shit. Freaked me out as a kid,” he says with an exaggerated cringe. “But seriously, babe—you know that going back there makes me... twitch.”

“And I’ll be there to hold your hand, and talk you through it, like I always am,” you reassure him. “Will, it’s gotten better every time we visit. We’ve made real progress; it’s a process, and to be honest, I think it’s almost finished.”

He bites that luscious lip of his. “What if it isn’t.”

“Then we’ll keep trying till it is, okay? You have to trust me. Either way, we’ll hurry home, soon as we’re done... so you can fuck me.”

His eyes light up at that, just as you knew they would, and he pushes the cart straight ahead. Not afraid to admit he’s been played. “Damn does my girl know how to control and manipulate...”

“I learned from the best of the best, as they say. My big strong ironhead fiancé.”

As it turns out today, the sex will happen long before you leave the store. Neither of you will be able to wait.

***************

“So. How you feeling?” you ask him, standing by his side in the spot where it happened. As he stands still and stares, you reach up to comb your fingers through the soft golden spikes of his hair, hoping that the tender loving touch will help his healing.

Will chews his gum a little harder, with a firm clench of his jaw. Blue eyes a little darker. And good God—you shouldn’t be having these thoughts, but fuck, the smoldering look on his face right now is just about the hottest thing you ever saw...

You can see the scenes replay inside his mind. Not just the incident itself, choking a random guy in Publix half to death, squeezing so hard the bastard lost his breath and pissed himself—but more importantly, the underlying cause. Years of trauma, molding Will into a man that he himself feared and despised. So many years spent searching for the kind of peace he always craved but thought he’d never find. 

He tells you often how he found it in your arms; though you’re a sucker for his charms, you always brush the line aside. That shit’s just corny. And besides, he only says it when he’s horny... which is all the fucking time.

One of the many things that you two have in common. Ever since Will Miller claimed you as his woman, the two of you have been getting it on so fucking often that it’s probably a crime.

You try to stop your mind from wandering in that direction. Will needs to process heavy shit right now and you’re supposed to help him. Shouldn’t get distracted by your own lady erection, as you silently admire him in all his alpha male perfection... mind burning with questions—like, but how the hell can it even be possible to be so fucking beautiful...?

His hands aren’t twitching in the way that often happens when he’s here, but still, he’s awfully tense and quieter than usual. Maybe it’s time to head out of the cereal aisle; return some other time, after a little while. You hold him close to whisper in his ear, stroking his arm with a warmhearted smile. “Listen, babe—if you don’t want to talk... then let’s go home and crack open some beer, or a bottle of wine... I’ll suck your cock, and everything will be just fine. I’m proud of you for coming here today. Now let’s get out of here so you can come someplace better, okay?”

Now at that, Will at last has a few words to say. He snaps out of his self-hating haze and attacks you just with the sheer power of his deep blue gaze. “Mmm, you mean like deep inside my filthy little whore of a fiancée?”

You feign offense, reacting with a gasp, dealing his upper arm a playful little slap. “Captain Miller! What gives you the right to talk to me like that—in public, no less? Show some damn respect.”

He answers with a flirty, dirty laugh. “Respect my ass.”

“I do, and you know that. It’s perfect,” you remind him as you reach around to grab it through his pants, loving the way the sculpted muscle tenses up beneath your hands. “And I respect it even better when it’s naked, so let’s get—”

“Gimme a minute,” he interrupts you with a kiss on the top of your head. “You know, before you started talking all that frisky business... I was just about to tell you that I think we’re finally finished. Babe, you did it.”

You pause, dropping your jaw—does he mean what you think he does? Now that the tone is back to serious, you free his fine ass from the grasp of your horny claws. “...did it?”

Will smiles and nods. “I know my stubborn ass kept resisting these visits. But you were right, babe. Like always. I think I’ve finally gotten past this shit. I mean—not all my shit; that’s a serious beast. But the whole Publix incident, at least. I just... today I finally felt released. At peace with it.”

There are no words to capture how giddy you feel. You wrap your arms around his neck with an excited squeal, heartbeat happily racing. “Babe, that’s amazing! We did it. I may be the one with all the brilliant ideas, but you were smart enough to listen.”

He lets out a soft giggle, hugging you so hard it tickles. “I still say you get all the credit. Manipulating me with all those promises of sex the way you did. Straight up forcing me into submission.”

“Oh, don’t put it that way. Now let’s not forget who’s the dom in the bedroom. Promise you’ll always play Captain, okay?”

“Yes, ma’am,” he chuckles. “Whatever you say.”

The one thing on your mind as you snuggle into his embrace is this man smells like actual heaven... hot damn. You pull back from the hug, desperate to get home and get fucked. But there’s still one more thing to get out of the way.

You make some effort to compose yourself before what’s coming next. “Oh, and before we go—there’s something else I wanted you to know. Now that your issue’s been addressed... well, I also have something to confess.”

After those words, you pause for longer than you should. Which isn’t good.

“Go on?” Will holds your hand and gives you an encouraging, heartwarming nod.

Ugh, he’s so cute when he’s all soft and full of love. Despite being so big and tough. All at once a sugar baby muffin and a savage fucking sex god.

You clear your throat, collecting your slightly embarrassing thoughts. “So, when the whole... incident happened, in the moments just before I climbed onto your back, to pull you off of that poor man, I was just—watching you attack... and... well, at first I didn’t even know how to react, because... uhhh...”

Those blue eyes of his blink, and you can barely even think. Apparently you have a goddamn golden eyelash kink?

Will tries to urge you to continue; though it’s clear he’s quite sincere, he’s also more than just a little bit amused. He always loves to see you bumbling like a fool and acting totally uncool. He says it’s super cute. “Because what?”

You re-clear your throat, though it’s all clear already. Try to stay somewhat calm and steady. Keep your hormones in control. You are in public after all; people can see you even if they’re out of earshot. “I don’t know, it’s just—watching you do that was... I mean, don’t get me wrong, it was fucked up, and yes I knew it had to stop—but it was also... you know... super fucking hot?”

He blinks again, brows arching up a bit. “You’re kidding.”

“No, I’m not.”

“Y/N, I... I was out of my damn mind. Completely out of line. Like, deadly dangerous.”

“Oh, you think I didn’t notice?”

“No, I know you did...”

Fucking hell. You pull your hand from his and turn toward the shelves, grabbing a random box of cereal to occupy yourself. “Now you’re kink-shaming me. Never done that before, but now the truth comes out that I’m a sick and twisted whore—”

“What? Y/N, come on,” he groans, wrapping his arms around you from behind, the kind of big bear hug that always feels like home. “You know that isn’t how I meant it...”

“No, forget it. Just forget I ever said it.”

“Can’t really do that, to be honest. Babe, I’m into all your kinks, I promise. I just need a sec to process this.”

“Seriously—Will, this whole cereal aisle shouldn’t be about me. Even just mentioning it like I did was selfish. So forget it.”

“I’m not gonna just...”

“Hey, I have an idea,” you interrupt, eager to change the subject, as you now notice that you’d just happened to pick a box of Cap’n Crunch. With the creepy cartoon captain’s face emblazoned on the front. “What if you need a final outlet? Just to let off any steam that might be lingering, to make sure that you’ve really gotten over the whole cereal aisle incident?”

Will purrs as he leans closer into your shoulder. You stupidly assume he’s also looking at the cereal box you’re holding, but he isn’t. “Hmmm, you thinking what I’m thinking...?”

As it happens, you’re totally oblivious to what he just implied, since you’re still trying to recover from embarrassment. You step off to the side, pulling away from his embrace so that you’re standing face to face. And hold the box in front of you like it’s a martial arts board made for him to break. “Here, if you need something to punch... why don’t you let it out on Cap’n Crunch.”

He blinks, again, apparently a little stunned. You’re too oblivious to even notice that he has a hard on.

You gesture toward the crunchy cap’n. “Go on. Clock him one.”

Will shifts uncomfortably in an attempt to hide the stiffness of his cock. “Punch a cereal box? Babe, this is fucking ridiculous...”

“This creepy bastard haunted you throughout your childhood,” you remind him. “Come on, do it, Will. Show him who’s captain. You know it’ll feel good.”

He tosses a quick glance behind him to make sure that no one’s around to witness. “Can’t believe I’m gonna do this, but if you insist...”

Balling his right hand up into a fist, he fucking launches it at the cartoon son of a bitch. You know he didn’t go full force—the blow would’ve thrust you and Cap’n both across the room, of course—but he went hard enough to cause the cardboard box serious damage.

Will looks down at the damage he caused to his childhood nemesis, more pleased with it than he’d like to admit. “Well, shit.”

You flash him a triumphant grin, glad for the win. “Felt great, didn’t it?”

“Yeah, it did,” he laughs at himself with a shake of his head. “But the box is all busted.”

“Well, we are model citizens, so we’re obviously going to take responsibility and pay for this,” you tell him. “And William—don’t even think about bitching that Cap’n Crunch isn’t a worthwhile purchase. The catharsis that he just provided was worth it.”

Your fiancé is fully in agreement with that sentiment. “Sounds perfect.”

Moving toward your shopping cart, you pause before throwing the box in, stopping to salute the captain with one hand over your heart. “We thank you, Cap’n, for your service.”

Will lets out one of his loud, loving laughs and hugs you from the back again. “My God, you’re such a fucking dork...”

You shrug, melting into the hug. “Well, my dorky ass just singlehandedly took care of your entire healing process. So don’t knock it if it worked.”

“Oh, I wasn’t gonna knock it,” Will replies, suddenly spinning you around with your back up against the shelves, so you can see and feel the feral fire in his eyes. You practically just wet yourself. Even more so upon the words he utters next. “I was just thinking that I really wanna fuck it.”

Holy hell. This man is living breathing sex. Your words come out all jumbled up and shit. “What—how... you mean right now? In public?”

Will grinds his hips into your crotch so you can finally feel the stiffness of his dick. God, it’s so big. His every word and action never fail to make your pussy twitch. “Hmm, what is that I’m hearing... judgment? Are you kink-shaming me, bitch?”

Hot damn, you love how playfully sadistic your fiancé is. “No, I wouldn’t fucking dream of it. I love it,” you respond, succumbing to the force of his cock and the heat of your cunt. For good measure before you both give yourselves over to such guilty pleasure, to everything both of you want, you glance nervously up and down Aisle 6. 

All is clear at the moment. And if that unexpectedly changes... you know there’s a risk, the constant threat of danger of onlooking strangers... well, fuck it. You and Will won’t let that stop you from indulging in some shameless sex in Publix.

***************

... Continued in Part 2!

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[official-weasley]

Meant to Be (Charlie Weasley x OC)

What happens when Bill brings home a girl and Charlie is completely awestruck by her?

WARNINGS: mentions of alcohol, curse words, angst

Chapter 9

Charlie

On the Saturday after the week Rhylee found out about the trial, I woke up early. I looked through my window and saw a cloudless sky. It was the perfect opportunity to hike up to my favorite spot and watch the sunrise. I have been so busy all week that I simply didn’t find the time to do it and I missed it so much.

I got dressed and made myself some coffee. I stretched and went outside. I took a long whiff of fresh air. It does wonders to the lungs. I loved that it was getting warmer. The Summer breeze was just around the corner. I started walking toward the hill.

I loved living here because it wasn’t as hot in the Summer as in most places. After all, we were surrounded by mountains but at the same time, we didn’t get that much rain and it was rarely windy because we were in the valley, hidden from the rest of the world.

Surrounded by nature, magic, and dragons. What a perfect life.

I felt so energized this morning. I don’t know why, but I was in a better mood than I was most days this past week. I slept well and I was excited to watch the sunrise. I wish Aami was still just a baby, I would love to bring him along.

I did it once. Nobody knows about it because Peter would probably kill me but since Aami can’t fly, I couldn’t resist. He walked around, his eyes on me as I explained why I liked to sit on a rock and stare at the sun. It was one of my fondest memories of him.

I came to the top and put my hands on my knees, panting. A week without hiking or going for a run and I was already out of shape.

Come on, Charlie!

I looked up, to see how the sun was progressing and wanted to take a step closer to the place where I usually sit when I stopped.

I stood frozen on the spot as if someone stupefied me. It was Rhylee. She was sitting on the same boulder, waiting for the sunrise as I usually was. Why was she here?

Wasn’t it enough that I was spending so much time with her already? I know I brought it on myself when I offered to help her with the case but I couldn’t say no to her. I couldn’t gaze into those beautiful eyes of hers and tell her that I won’t help her.

But I was not okay with this. She can’t take this away from me too. This was my happy place. The place where I came to empty my head and forget about my worries. The fact that I had feelings for her was one of my biggest concerns these days and her being here meant I can’t let go of that.

There is no way she saw me. If I turn around and sneak away she will never know I was here and I can go find a new spot from where to watch the sunrise from.

Yes, that’s what I’ll do! I turned around and started walking back down the hill.

“Charlie? Is that you?”

Fuck. How did she hear me?

I slowly turned back around, cursing my heart for not obeying me to just beat normally, and waved at her.

“Hi.”

Could I be more awkward? Charlie, you’re such a git!

“Is this the place you were describing when you told me you go sunrise watching?” She said gently. I can’t believe she remembered that I told her that. I just nodded. “Want to join me?”

Not really, Rhylee.

I would rather roll myself back down to the village than sit next to you and watch the bloody sunrise.

Did I do that?

No.

Her smile won. It always does.

I can’t resist her lips curving into a hopeful expression, indicating that she would love to spend time with me. I’m too weak and I didn’t care. I hated myself for it but I couldn’t help it. Most days it felt like an invisible string was drawing me toward her and I couldn’t get away.

I wanted to be around her all the time. I wanted to talk to her and make her laugh. I wanted to hug her and touch the soft skin of her cheeks. I wanted to kiss her forehead and hold her hand.

I wanted to be with her.

“Charlie?” I blinked at her when I heard her say my name. “Join me.”

She said, more determined this time, and patted the spot on the rock next to her. I moved as fast as my legs allowed me, which wasn’t very fast at all. They felt like jelly. I wanted to melt, that’s how beautiful she was.

I awkwardly sat down next to her, looking straight at the sunrise. I know she was scanning me with her eyes, waiting for me to look at her but I couldn’t. Every time I did, I started overthinking. She always looked at me differently than the rest of our friends.

I always felt as if she was trying to read me, to know what I was thinking. I constantly felt like she wanted to talk about everything else with me but our job or dragons but she always stopped herself as if she was afraid she would say something that she isn’t supposed to.

I know I was an idiot but I didn’t do anything about it. I felt the same way for Merlin’s sake! But I couldn’t talk to her. I can’t. She’s my co-worker and it’s been more than 2 years since we slept together.

It’s also been two years since I saw Bill.

Just thinking about it made me sick. I despised myself for the fact that I didn’t visit him. That I couldn’t talk to him. That I couldn’t tell him. I don’t even want to know what my family thinks or if he said anything to them about me.

I went home for Easter last year just because I knew he wouldn’t be there. How horrible does that make me? I think I reached rock bottom a long time ago and I was terrified that I wouldn’t be able to come back up.

I think about taking a few days off and visiting him every single day.

Every. Single. Day.

And yet I never bring myself to do it. After 2 years, what would I even say to him? He was the nicest and the most forgiving person I know but he wouldn’t forgive me and I wouldn’t blame him.

Why would he?

First, I sleep with the girl he likes, and then I disappear off the face of the Earth for 2 years. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs that’s how much it hurt. I basically tore my family apart.

My family. People who meant more than anything to me in this world.

“You’re quiet today.” Rhylee’s gentle voice and nudge to my shoulder brought me back to reality.

“Huh?” I turned to her. “Yeah. Sorry. A lot on my mind.” I smiled weakly, feeling the heat on my cheeks.

“Anything you want to share?” She asked, concerned.

“No.” I said quickly. Too quickly.

That wasn’t the word I wanted to use. I wanted to say yes. I wanted to tell her how I feel about her. I wanted her to know that I still feel guilty about what I did to Bill. I wanted to tell her that I wish we would’ve met under different circumstances. How much I wish I was the one who met her first. How beautiful she was and how she takes my breath away no matter what she wears or what she does. I wanted to tell her all of that and so much more but instead…

“I usually come here to clear my head, that’s all.” That’s what I said instead.

Because I’m an idiot.

Because of all the guilt that I can’t let go of.

Because I don’t deserve her.

Because I am absolutely and without a single doubt in love with her.

“You want me to leave?” She started to get up.

“No.” I grabbed her wrist to make her stay. “I’m just not used to anyone else being up here.” The first truth that came out of my mouth today.

“I can’t believe nobody is.” She shook her head in disbelief. “I felt like exploring this morning and I stumbled upon this place just as the sun started to rise. It took my breath away.”

Like you take mine?

“It’s just so calming. Makes you forget about all your troubles, you know.” She glanced at me but quickly looked away.

She took a deep breath and I could feel her moving a bit away from me.

“Thank you for putting so much of your time to help me, Charlie.” She said with a husky voice after I didn’t say anything back. “I wouldn’t be able to do it without you. You give me so much hope.”

Don’t say that, please.

“I…”

I turned my head to her.

There it was. That look in her eyes. The look that told me that she had so many things to say but no words to express herself. She had moments like this every now and then when we were alone. As if she remembered something and wanted to talk about it but couldn’t for some reason. As if something stopped her. As if she was afraid of what I might say back.

“I just wish life was easier, you know.” She sighed and leaned on my shoulder.

I tried hard not to react to her touch. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the feeling of our bodies touching. It was the most I will ever get the chance to experience.

I hummed in response. I didn’t know what she meant by that. I didn’t know what she was referring to. To be honest I don’t think I wanted to know. I wasn’t ready. I don’t think I’ll ever be.

“I asked around and there is a big library in the village over that mountain.” I pointed my finger to our left.

I could feel her head moving to see where I was pointing but she didn’t pull away from me. It felt as if she wanted to be even closer.

“I was thinking of going there on Monday during lunch. Perhaps find some books that could help our case. Your case.” I quickly corrected myself.

“Thank you for being such an amazing friend, Charlie.” I felt something shatter inside me when she called me her friend but at the same time, I felt relief.

I can finally stop questioning if there is something between us and stop overthinking all of her gestures and looks. I can relax around her and just be myself because I know she sees me as a friend. No more pressure. No more feeling guilty. Who knew I would love to be in the friendzone. Now that she said it, she can lean on my shoulder and hug me as much as she wants to.

I have been stifling my feelings for 2 years. I was used to it by now and this was my sign that I was doing the right thing. At least someone didn’t hate me.

“No problem and right back at you.”

Seriously, Charlie? This is the best you can come up with?

We sat in silence and admired the sunrise until we had to go to work. We walked down the hill in silence too. If I think about it, I don’t think we said a single word to each other the whole day.

I joined the boys in the tavern after work and she wasn’t there. I had this strange feeling that it had something to do with this morning but I have to stop thinking about it. I have to change some things about myself. I was too young to go through so much bullshit and I only got myself to blame for it. I have to stop beating my head over her. I have to stop bringing myself down. I have to stop feeling so guilty and own up to my mistakes.

I have to get my shit together and talk to Bill. I need my brother back. I need my best friend back. I have been so selfish, feeling sorry for myself that I didn’t even think how he must feel about all of this. Who goes from spending Christmas together to not seeing his brother for 2 years?

“Charlie, you alright, mate?” I turned my head to John, sitting next to me.

“Yeah. A bit tired.” I yawned. “Been busy with Rhylee’s trial case.” I lied.

The last time I talked about my feelings to them was that night when Rhylee started working here and if I have anything to do with it, it will never happen again.

“You two have been spending a lot of time together.” Theo winked at me, moving his glass from his right to his left hand.

“As I said, we have been working on the case together.” I acted unphased by his mockery.

“Come on, Charlie! We’re not blind.” Andrew joined in.

Great. I love when they corner me like this.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I sighed and gulped down my whiskey.

I didn’t drink enough to have a conversation of this sort and I will do anything to stop it.

“Right.” Peter rolled his eyes. “Let’s all pretend like Charlie does that nothing is going on between him and Rhylee.”

“You mean how they look at each other when they think the other person isn’t looking?” Evan smirked.

“Or the fact that they keep blushing every time they see each other?” Added John.

“Or how they just can’t stop their smiles from spreading across their faces when their eyes meet.” Theo made a kissy face.

“Are you done?” I poured myself another drink.

“Oh, we can go on all night, that’s how much is going on between you two.”

Peter, you might be my boss but I will strangle you. Next on the list was my heart which was now beating so fast that I started shaking.

“As I said…are you done?” I said without a single ounce of interest in my voice.

“Why do you keep denying it?” John cried.

“I didn’t say anything.” If they can mess with me I can mess with them back.

“You really like to torture yourself, don’t you?” Evan frowned at me.

“Mhm.” I said with a clenched jaw.

I was a rat’s hair away from standing up and leaving.

“Charlie, this is not some silly crush anymore. We know you have feelings for her.” Peter never sounded so serious before.

“We know you like her, Charlie. A lot.” John put a hand on my shoulder. “It’s all over your face, mate.”

“Like her.” I scoffed.

“You’re seriously going to deny it?” Andrew rolled his eyes. “You’re going to say you don’t like her?”

“Like her?” I raised my voice. “I don’t like her, Andrew! I…” Damn, they made me mad sometimes! Why do they have to be such noisy gits and why do I feel like talking about Rhylee to them? “I’m in love with her.” I said under my breath but I know they could hear me.

“Then what are you doing here sitting with us and not telling her that?” John said gently after a long pause.

I think they were shocked that I admitted it.

I looked up at them. They were patiently waiting for my response. They weren’t serious, were they?

“I can’t just knock on her door and tell her how I feel.” I shook my head and chugged down my whiskey.

“Yes, Charlie. You can!” They said together.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I poured myself another glass of whiskey. I drank it as fast as I could, their eyes following my every move.

“Fuck it.” I stood up and they started clapping.

I was already miserable and at this point had nothing to lose. Might as well try right?

I walked over to her hut as fast as I could before I would change my mind. I stopped on her front porch and I wanted to bang my head against the wall.

Can I do this?

Am I really doing this?

Am I actually that insane?

I knocked on the door and turned on my heel. I wanted to run. I can’t do this. My chest was rising and falling fast from my heavy breathing and my heart is going to jump out of it any second now. This was taking too long. She’s obviously not home. I’m leaving.

I put my hands in my pockets, ready to head home when…

“Charlie?”

[mar-iiposa]

"You're What?"

prompt: How would the Bayverse boys react to their s/o finding out that she is pregnant, and she is afraid/scared to tell them? The pregnancy was not planned. Hope you're having a great day/night <3

a/n: this was requested by an anonymous user as a bit of a long story, meant for all four turtles, but I'm deciding on separating it so it looks better on my masterlist later on. hope that enjoy, and make sure to read the tags I have included down below, just in case !

warnings: slight mention of abortion but that's it, mention of needles drawing blood (not too graphic of course), unplanned pregnancy, mentions of unprotected sex.

word count: 2.6k

"Y/N, are you okay?"

Your roommate, April's, voice rang out when she saw you hurry towards the bathroom in such a rush, for the third time today, and it was just barely 2 pm. She was concerned that you weren't doing so good, never having seen you in a peculiar state like this before. As late of this past week, you've started to show signs of illness and restlessness, constantly moody, which we knew was odd for you at times. "Do you need anything?" She gently knocked on the bathroom door, hearing the faucet run on the other side before it was turned off. "I'm good, thanks," You murmur, loud enough for her to at least comprehend what you're saying. Outside of the restroom, April looked down for a moment, hesitant on whether to truly believe you or not. However, she didn't bother to really question it. "I'll be out, text if you need me."

After getting up a little too fast, you feel a small, sharp pain in your breasts, causing you to wince and cup them lightly out of instinct. Over the last few days, you've been noticing some changes. Weird ones too. For starters, you missed your period, it was supposed to roll around about, what, three/four days ago. You kept it tracked monthly on your phone, and by now, it would seem to probably come later than usually expected. Never did you have an irregular menstrual cycle, sometimes periods tend to come a little bit late but this was still odd enough. Not to forget, you had been vomiting like crazy at times, especially in the mornings and early afternoons of the day, sometimes at night if you're "lucky" enough. Topping those off, you felt fatigued, you were bloated, strangely moody, and you really needed to pee way more. A lot more, actually.

You had turned off the faucet in the bathroom, hunching over the sink, still with little droplets of water sliding down and into the drain. You look into the mirror, bags under your eyes have started to form from lack of sleep after literally vomiting your guts out in the middle of the night, having to hold your own hair back yourself if April would be completely knocked out from work. It wasn't a rare occurrence for her to be passed out on her bed or the couch, after a long day of working. You were employed, too, it was just that you took a day off to find out what the hell these symptoms were. Who knows, maybe you were falling sick?

You do your hair and style it just a little, unbothered by if you looked like crap or not, you could care less. You were throwing up and felt almost sick, why wouldn't you look unappealing at the very least? Grabbing your keys and things, you make your way towards the subway almost downtown, avoiding eye contact with almost anyone and everyone, not feeling at your best. It felt like your self-esteem had taken a downwards decline in the last couple of days prior. Not that you never got irritated or anything, but it was peculiar to you that all of a sudden, you had mood swings that changed from one mood to another like a bolt of lightning. Hell, even your boyfriend, Leo, noticed fairly quickly, but he decided not to press on you too much about it.

Getting off of the subway train, you head to your physician's office, opening the door of the building, the cooled atmosphere of the room hitting you within seconds of your entrance of the room.

"Hello, Ms. L/N, are you here for your appointment today?" The female receptionist gazed up at you from her glasses, frames pink, wearing a light shawl over her arms and shoulders. "I am," You give her a nod, her gaze traveling back to the computer screen as she typed away, the sound of her dark red acrylics hitting the smooth black keys. "Sure does get cold in here," She chuckled, a small short in the middle of her laugh, "take a seat, miss."

Doing so, you sit near the TV of the waiting room, the magazines on the table ahead stared back at you, the words 'VOGUE' written on the modernistic cover. The television was of bland taste, just going over the weather expected for today and the rest of the week and into the weekend. You cradle yourself slightly, your e/c eyes flickering down to your fingers and nails. About fifteen minutes or so later, the door to the back of the office opened, a nurse appearing in her scrub, "Y/N L/N?" Perking up at the mention of your name, you both make eye contact and she steps aside for you to walk in, giving a nod before directing you to a nearby room. Taking a seat, you wait until the doctor comes into view, greeting you with a friendly smile. "Ms. L/N, hi," She shook your hand, holding a clipboard under her left arm as she entered, "how are you? Is there a reason as to why you made an appointment for today?" Seconds after listing off your symptoms, she eyed you a bit suspiciously, writing down with her pen. "I'll send one of the nurses in for a blood test, I'm sure you'll be free to go then," The doctor pursed her lips in a tight smile, looking as though she had something on her mind as to what you could've had.

You sit there, for what feels like hours upon hours of silence, and you don't even notice the nurse coming in through the door at some point. "Alright, just relax for me." A pinching at your skin came from the needle, and the nurse draws some blood from your arm. Closing your eyes and glancing away from the view, the needle is drawn away from your arm after a while, patching the spot up with a band-aid. "You should get your answers shortly," 'Angela Bardot' (the nurse) states with a small, friendly smile as you give her a nod for a reply in return.

The receptionist sends you a wave goodbye as you approach the door on the way out, nodding your head and giving a wave back. Traveling home among the streets of New York, your mind is constantly filling up to the absolute brim of what the results would be. What if you were terrible sick? Had an illness that was incurable or deadly? How would you tell the ones you loved? Always tending to think of negative outcomes was a habit of yours, for as long as you can remember. You're so deep into your thoughts as you don't realize your boyfriend had called you a couple of times already. You unlock your phone after typing in the digits of your password, tapping onto his contact. "Hey," His voice rings from the other side, "I was trying to call you, is everything alright?" You can hear the worried tone through his end.

You run a hand through your hair as you neared the corner, coming closer to your New York apartment. "Yeah," you breathe out into the air of the apartment building, taking the provided elevator, "yeah, I'm okay." You could almost see the look of relief in those blue sapphire eyes of his, he responds, "Sorry, I almost panicked when you didn't pick up." You chuckle a little at that, knowing you almost always picked up on phone calls, holding onto your keys as you pushed your front entrance door open, "Nah, you know I can handle myself, Leo." You grin hearing his voice, chuckling at that. "I know, I know." 

"I'll see you tonight?" He asks on his end, you immediately smile. "I give you my word." You can feel him smiling from 'ear to-ear' at your response, "Okay, I'll see you later then. Love you, princess." Your smile growing warm, heart fluttering at the words coming from your boyfriend, you speak back into the phone, "Love you too."

He was the first to hang up on the cell phone call, before you fall back onto your grey couch with a heavy sigh, soon leaning forward with your head in your hands, elbows firmly sitting on top of your knees. The TV is turned on from the remote in your hand, head leaning back into the couch, but only enough to still keep your eyes on the screen. Your phone rings again, and you assume it might be Leo again, calling to tell you something he might have forgotten or who knows what. Turning the phone over from it's front facing the cushions, and you recognize the contact number. "Hello?" You pick up, a recognizable voice rang through. "Hi, this is Dr. Rullston, I'm calling you to discuss your blood test results, yes?" Sitting straight up quickly, you feel yourself nod almost frantically, "Yes, it's not anything, right?" A long pause resonates between the two of you, and you can slightly hear the intake of a breath from her.

"Ms. L/N, you're pregnant."

Your heart completely drops as soon as you heard that, standing up from your seat within milliseconds. "What? I- I can't belie- !" She continues, "About almost two weeks pregnant is what I'm seeing. Congratulations miss." No, no, I didn't want a baby! I didn't know this would happen! 

You look down at the floor as your breathing is nearly stressed, "Tha- Thank you, Dr. Rullston." Quick to hang up first, you almost drop your phone onto the apartment's hard wooden floor. How was this possible? Well, you knew how pregnancy and sex worked, but this was something completely shocking, at least to you! You think you at least had intercourse with a condom on! You and Leonar- Oh God, Leo! How would he react to this? He would be disappointed, he could leave you! Who would want to raise a child with you? Who would even want a knocked up lady if he did leave the relationship you had been building for practically a year?! You could get an abortion, that's it! No, no, no, you couldn't see yourself going through with that. Seeing others get abortions was something you were supportive of, but you had no absolute idea what in the hell to do! Do you want to keep it? That was something you didn't know the answer to. 

Two hours roll by until you're dressed a little more properly now, on your path to the turtles' lair in the sewers. As of now, you're (somewhat) rocking some jeans, with an old t-shirt, your commonly-worn shoes, and your hair combed through. Sticking your head through the lair, Mikey spots you straightaway, quickly riding on his skateboard towards you, guarding your own stomach, afraid for impact. Luckily for you (and maybe your fetus), there is no impact. "Yo, Y/N!" He gave you his regular fist pump, "how's it hangin'?" He notices you guarding your stomach, emitting a laugh as he points at you, "What's with the stomach guarding?" You realize your arms protecting your stomach, pulling them away fairly quickly. "Just, uh- Just hungry is all!" Michelangelo eyed you for a second or two before shrugging, picking up his board with a swift kick at its tail, "M'kay! Leo's in his room by the way. Catch you later!" He rode off again, presumably to bother either Raph or Donnie with his "dazzling personality."

Nearing Leonardo's room, you were undecided on the option of telling him about the growing baby inside of you or not. You didn't know. You didn't know what he'd think, what he'd say, how he would react, or if his perspective of you would shift entirely. Every fiber of your being grew anxious, scared to share the news with him. Or not. Leaning against the doorway of his room, he looked up from his katana, a smile gracing his features. "Hey," He stood up from his spot on the bed as you approach him, "Hi." Leonardo glanced down at your shorter human self, grabbing your hands to hold into his abnormally larger ones. "Took you a while to get here." Yeah, it did because you couldn't stop vomiting into the toilet until you got the strength to eventually walk all the way down here. "Sorry, busy," You threw an excuse at him, the leader of the clan nods. "Uh-huh," He takes your hand and leads you to his bed, "you're not overwhelming yourself, are you?" Knowing how concerned he can tend to be, you shakily exhale a little, giving a closed-mouth smile. "No, not really."

"You know ho-" You bit your lower lip, feeling the need to interrupt, "Leo, there's-- there's something I need to tell you." He paused for a little, knowing there was something up, a feeling in his gut. "Well what is it?" You can feel that pit of anxiety start to blossom within you once again, your palms nearly growing sweaty as you try to gather your words. Carefully wanting to break it to him was something you wanted to do, and correctly too. "Y/N?" He sends you a fervent glance, "is something wro-?" 

"I'm pregnant."

He's taken aback by the sentence you had just formed, staring at you, with almost little to no emotion being expressed. He's speechless. Out of words, completely. "You're what?! With- With my ba-?" Giving the leader a small, slow nod, it finally makes sense to him. "That's why you missed my call? Y/N, you sh-" You feel tears swell up in your e/c eyes, a hot droplet starting to slide down your left cheek, "I know it's all my fault. I should have asked for an abortion before I left that doctor's office. And you don't want a kid, I can see perfectly see that, and just know that I'm sor-" A warm green hand cups the side of your face, endearing blue eyes look at you and hold your stare as a thumb comes to wipe your new, built-up tears. Tender lips come to kiss your forehead. "I want this. Y/N, please listen to me when I say it'll be alright. I won't let you and the baby down, okay?" Leo's words are kind, softly spoken as he offers you a pursed smile while holding your face in his hand, "You'll be fine."

Your breathing is starting to calm down as you meet his eyes, your hand coming touch his on your cheek. "How far? How far are you, I mean?" Feeling at ease, your eyes are still watery with tears, a smile growing on your lips, "Two weeks." He grows soft at your reply, eyes flickering down towards your stomach. The stomach that held his kid inside of it. "How big are they?" You hold your hand up and leave a little gap between your index finger and your thumb, "Like a little seed." A smile of joy lights up his face before he carefully runs the bottom of your t-shirt up to expose your stomach to him. He pursed his lips together once more, fighting off tears as he gives a breathy laugh. "I love them already." You grin to your significant other, kissing his cheek.

"And we love you too."

[danddymaro]

Sleep | Jean Pierre Polnareff x Reader

Just an idea I had in mind. It’s a Polnareff thing, but I guess if you really, really squint, it could also be a DIO thing,  

Maybe, ¯\_(　´∀｀)_/¯

Word count : 2183

She remembers her encounters with DIO, having crossed paths with him more than once. 

She’d run from him the first two times, fleeting from the vampire , only because he allowed her to, each time chuckling as she managed to ‘slip’ away.

And she wasn’t stupid to think she’d somehow outsmarted him, or cocky enough to taunt him by living her every day life as normally as she had before. Instead, she secluded herself, hiding from everyone and everything, afraid of even her own shadow, well aware it could just be him in disguise.

She knew that it was only a matter of time before he hunted her down again, toying with her like a malicious little feline, pawing at a cornered, shivering, mouse. 

Because to him, it was all a game, while to her, it was a never ending nightmare.

With an incurable insomnia she waited, every night staring up at the ceiling, blankly gazing at it as she felt her heart race, feeling impending doom fall upon her.

‘Why me?’ She asked herself constantly.

It all started after that arrow pierced her...

All the abnormalities and unrest starting from that one event, one that was in-explainable in itself.

‘How did  I even survive?’ She wondered, only briefly as it was the least of her worries.

It was tortuous weeks of unease  until she finally met with her nightmare...

When he grew sick and tired of their game, he appeared before her, ready to take his claim,

‘Do you still have any fight in you?’ He wondered, knowing the answer as he eyed her, ‘Of course I’d never force you at my side, that’s all for you to decide my dear,’ He thought with a malicious grin.

He’d then shown her the extent of his power, red raining down on her as thuds were heard at her sides, severed corpses at her feet in a second’s time. 

She hadn’t even known how he did it, but of all the red stained figures, he was all that was untouched, his alabaster skin glowing white brilliance from his chiseled body, too good for the remains of his slaughter to graze him.

Bloody gore puddled around her and shaken to the core she choked on a cry, her voice failing her,  her ability to flee gone.

Her legs gave out before him, pitifully bowing to him, not intending to, but her body seeming to know it’s place before the creature,

“ (f/n) ” He cood, reaching for her.

Her racing heart stilled as he tenderly pressed his cold palms onto her wet cheeks, “You’re trembling...” he said observing her, watching her wide (e/c) eyes as they stared up at him, almost unblinking.

He was a monster...

He was terrifying...

And yet the sight of the golden haired man was so transcendent, he was like an angel descended onto the apocalypse.

Beauty fallen into the macabre...

“P-please...please don’t,” she begged, feeling his pointed, black nails drag over her as his fingers trailed beneath her glossy (e/c) eyes, wiping away hot tears in a way that it would be tender had it been anyone else.

“(f/n)....dear...” he said warmly, his gleaming eyes akin to drops of sweet, warmed honey.

DIO...

He was frighting ...

He was malicious and evil...

He was through and through A monster...

And yet, he was the only thing that could save her. He was the only thing powerful enough to protect her,

‘Only he ...Only he can,’ She thought numbly, melting into his hold, subdued.

“Nothing but DIO can hurt you, “ he promised her, “As well as nothing but DIO can save you now,” he murmured, satisfied as she fell onto his web.  

She ignored the splashing sounds beneath her feet and palms, as well as the warm stickiness that smothered them and stained everything scarlet, all while she came closer to the powerful being, crawling to him more and as much as she could.

She was terrified, but at the very least, she knew that she was safe. She knew he could make her nightmares cease, and he could also protect her, saving her from a gruesome fate.

“Only I can,” he reminded her, large hands placed on her protectively , like a large and glorious beast guarding it’s fresh prey. 

“Lord ...DIO...” she muttered softly, brokenly as she closed her eyes.

‘I am yours,’

...................................

(f/n)’s back stiffened straight as she shot up, her hazy eyes wide as she startled from her half-sleep state. She’d drifted off for only a moment, but she felt as though she’d been stuck back in time. 

The distraught look to her (e/c) eyes soon melted as the black and white dog jumped on her lap, damn near starting her as she was already shaken from her nightmare.

Slowly, she came back down to earth, settling back into the present time where she wasn’t alone.

Where she wasn’t weak...

Despite all the tension in her body, and unease in her heart, she couldn’t help but pull up a gentle smile, “long day?” she asked him with light amusement, seeing as for the most part he went on his own adventures.

As per usual, the Creature didn’t respond, only letting out a very faint sound of a whine.

Meanwhile, Polnareff glared at the creature, his blue eyes darkly trained on the darned mutt.

Relaxed and fully pleased, Iggy ignored the menacing spite, instead laying his head onto his own front paws, his entire, tiny body curled over the (h/c) haired woman's lap.

Lazily scratching him behind his ear, (f/n) yawned into her other hand, her head leaning over to the side closer to the window as she began to drift off again, this time with more ease.

'Damn mutt, trying to act all cute with her,' Polnareff pouted,  his gaze still heated. 

With him it was nothing but snarls and farts, and with everyone else it was the same shitty attitude, but once you throw a pretty girl in the mix, the dog pretends to be the cutest , sweetest angel put on the planet. 

And it was much worse if the lady in question was (f/n). 

When she was around he would give her large , rounded sweet eyes, making her coo at even the simplest things.

For a moment he let his attention fall onto the female instead, his  glaring eyes softened as he watched her slowly drift off.

'Ah...but I guess it's not so bad,' he tried to reason, a small smile rising as he watched the seemingly permanent worry cease from her brows.

The closer they drew, the more he could see the flesh beneath her (e/c) eyes darken. He knew she couldn’t sleep,and she didn’t have to openly admit it, it was plainly obvious to him.

DIO had nested a terror in her she couldn't shake, one that left her quivering, so much so that even after the wretched flesh bud that possessed her was removed, she was hesitant to betray him. 

And it was something Jean Pierre Polnareff could forget,

..........................................................................

(Flashback)

"He'll kill me…" she said with fright, true and utter fear visible in her (e/c) eyes as she panicked. 

Her stand rose to protect her as her arms pressed themselves close to her chest, hands trembling as they pressed over her quivering mouth.

"No matter what I do... He'll find me...and He’ll kill me!" She added, while crying out to the silver haired man, “Do you understand what you've done?” she choked out.

He wouldn't have mercy…

He’d see it as treason...

"I'll never be free from this nightmare," she sorrow filled. 

That day the Frenchman felt  sweetness, a draw to her that was desperate to protect her. 

Perhaps it was the part that missed his little sister, trying to find another reason to live, another thing to protect.

Something else to cling on...

He wasn’t entire sure what it was that fueled him, but he drew towards her. As he watched her tremble, he stepped forward, Silver Chariot drawn away.

“You’re going to be alright,” he told her, making sure to be slow with his steps to not alarm her further.

Shaking her head she muttered, “You don’t understand, He’ll kill me,” she responded back, her own stand drawn back.

He was uncertain on why it retreated, not knowing if she had a part of her willing to have him reach out to her, or that her mental state was just so weakened, her ability faltered.

Nonetheless, he took the chance.

His teeth pressed together as he reached out to her, hands placed at her cheeks, forcing her (e/c) eyes to stare right into his,

 “ Is this what you call living ? ” he asked her, knowing his voice was rougher than it should be, but he couldn't help it.

He felt himself snapping, something about the woman and her current state making him move in accordance to his heart, any rational thinking telling him to step back from the potential threat being ignored. 

“ Grovelling in fear... not living for yourself!” he went on. “wouldn't you rather live for yourself? Live for yourself than die without honor? Die being under control, stuck beneath that monster?” he asked her.

Her mouth moved , but she was wordless, gaping. 

"He’s too powerful,” she finally told him, “ And I...I’m afraid...I’m too weak...And I’m all alone...” she said with a voice so small it tunneled in through his cracked heart.

And it was right then and there he decided, 

“ He won’t touch you. “ He said lowly. 

She began to shake her head, not believing him, not convinced anything could save her, thinking her fate was sealed already.

“I won’t let him ,” He added, “ I swear to you nothing will ever harm you again,” he assured her, “ But you also have to fight...” he told her, urging her. 

The others watched, the dark haired teen stepping forward an inch as he spoke, 

“Tch, Good grief, “ Jotaro huffed, “ He’s not going to lay a hand on you,”  he told her, having had enough of the emotional display. “Not if I've got anything to say about it,” He said while pointing his thumb towards his chest, “And I’m sure we’re all on the same page with that , right?” he said with certainty, inclining his head back to the rest of the crew, receiving nothing but nods. 

And for once in what felt like a lifetime she felt growing assurance, 

‘You all have fear and yet, you move towards him,’ she observed. ‘Unlike me... ‘She added to herself, smiling bitterly. 

She felt self pity, a loathing as well, and at her sides her hands balled, shaking as she pressed her teeth together.

She learned she hadn't been the only one to be forced under his will, because so had the redheaded teenager allied with the Joestars, as well as the silver haired man that urged her to stand. 

The same one who still held her face in his hands, knelt right before her.

“I want to go with you all,” she said lowly, “ I want to join you not to be protected, but to end this,” she said raising her eyes to the deep blue’s before her.

Polnareff saw a hardened shine, easily compared to a glowing gem practically gleaming before him, and he was captivated,

Moved by her tears...

loured by her sweetness...

stunned by her glowing valor and will...

By then he was hooked, and slowly, but surely, Jean Pierre Polnareff had fallen in love with the woman for everything she was, aswell as who she attempted to grow into.

And at the time he hadn't been aware of the sentiment growing in her own heart. Unknown to him, the  proclamation to defend her stunned her, and while she was still fearful of the deadly creature , she believed him.

She believed that the silver haired man would defend her tooth and nail. She believed that he’d be there for her. 

And she also believed in the the men with him, all which assured her the same.

 Since that moment she’d been steadfast with her new resolve, not backing away despite the closer they drew to DIO, and even in spite of the taunting assurance of death she’d receive from his minions.

She was unwavering, showing courage, but even then he could see the linings beneath her eyes grow darker. 

She’d seemed so tired, that was until the mutt showed up...

He'd noticed that since the annoying dog had joined them she seemed much more well rested. 

She even seemed happier…

She smiled a lot more too...

She showed off that sweet grin more often that his heart was now uneasy, not knowing how much more of her it could take before it burst.

Her movements stopped entirely, her stroking hand laying over the dog's head, unmoving.

Iggy huffed, his little body buzzing with snores as he, too, fell into slumber.

"That's actually kind of cute," Polnareff added, shaking his head. " I guess I can hand him a treat afterwards," he reasoned with a smile.

[sayyestomi]

can’t fight this feeling

a/n:i thought of this ship awhile ago so i got hyperfixated and wrote a lot enjoy 

duckie dale and marty mcfly had been best friends since 4th grade, when marty moved to elgin. they bonded over drawing weird things and having goofy inside jokes. they even had their own made up language. duckie was constantly at marty’s house playing and having fun with him. duckie slept over a lot. marty didn’t mind. he really liked having duckie around. sometimes duckie slept in marty’s bed when he was having nightmares so marty would just hold him and tell him about a comic book he read.

duckie and marty were pretty good friends with andie. duckie was closer to her but marty didn’t mind. he liked their little friend group. but in 8th grade, duckie caught feelings for andie. marty was starting to get left behind. duckie would start forgetting to invite marty to hang out with him. marty could never figure out why he couldn’t like andie like duckie did, or even girls at all. he had a small fling with jennifer parker but it didn’t work out.

senior year was the worst year of it all. duckie was still in love with andie but marty was in love with duckie. and it crushed him because it took him so long to come to terms with himself and he couldn’t even tell him how he felt. marty was a little relieved that andie didn’t like duckie back, but it pained him seeing his best friend so upset. duckie and marty still sat together at lunch but andie sat with another girl at a different table. marty kinda missed her but duckie thought it was a perfect time to scheme up a plan to get andie.

andie liked this guy named blane. now blaine was very pretty, at least marty thought so. duckie hated blane, with a burning passion. blane was one of the rich kids but he was actually really nice. every day at lunch, duckie would plot on how to get rid of this guy. marty understood, it was starting to become clearer when he started thinking of ways to get rid of andie. now marty still loved andie like a sister but duckie was letting her get to his head.

duckie was a mess. he didn’t even really like andie the way he thought he did. but he couldn’t help but like her. his jealousy was at his worst when marty was with jennifer parker. he absolutely hated her. more than he could ever hate blane. he was relieved when her and marty broke up. he still couldn’t figure out why he was so jealous when girls would flirt with marty. he’d spent sleepless nights trying to practice confessing to andie how he felt. he couldn’t seem to get it right. one night he decided to replace andie with marty and it felt more natural. if that felt natural, maybe practicing kissing on marty would feel natural too.

duckie asked marty if he could come over. marty eagerly agreed since he missed duckie hanging out with him outside of their lunch table. duckie just went home with marty and they went up to marty’s room.

“marty, can i, uh, ask you something?” duckie asked nervously, scratching the back of his head.

“yeah of course! what’s up?” marty beamed, looking up from one of his textbooks.

“can you do me a favor and let me practice kissing on you?”

“sure i guess.” marty shrugged.

duckie moved closer to marty, just admiring the other boy for a moment. a lot of feelings came in that moment but he just ignored them. he cupped marty’s cheek in his hand, pulling his face close. he took a deep breath and closed the small gap between their lips. both of them instantly melting like ice cream on a hot brownie. duckie snaked his hand up to play with marty’s hair. marty gripped onto duckie’s shirt as he deepened their kiss. their little heaven was interrupted when duckie shoved marty off.

“i gotta go home. i’ll see you at school tomorrow.” duckie breathed out, packing up his stuff before practically rushing out of the mcfly house.

marty was breathless as he just tried to process what just happened. he flopped back on his bed and just daydreamed about kissing duckie as many times as he wanted to. he knew it was only a daydream since that kiss was for practice so duckie could kiss andie. marty didn’t want duckie to kiss andie. he wanted duckie to kiss him.

prom season rolled around. marty had been asked a few times but he politely declined since he wanted to go with duckie, like he did every other school dance. he was hoping his thing with andie would wear off. it didn’t. marty witnessed blane and andie fighting. he didn’t know what to do about duckie, but right now andie needed a shoulder to cry on. after blane left, marty went over and just gave her a hug.

“thanks marty,” andie murmured, “would you want to take me to the prom? not as boyfriend and girlfriend but as friends.”

marty just sighed and pulled away from the hug. he grabbed andie’s shoulders and looked her straight in the eye. “andie, i would love to take you to the prom, but there’s a boy i know who would love to take you to the prom more than anyone else in the whole wide world.”

“who?”

“duckie dale.”

“i figured you’d say that. but i’m actually considering it now.”

“ask him. because i know damn well he won’t ask you,” marty chuckled.

“i’ll call him later tonight. thanks marty i owe you one.” andie kissed marty’s cheek before going to her next class.

later that night, andie did in fact call duckie that night. all while marty was in his room feeling absolutely miserable. his phone rang and he decided to answer it.

“marty she asked me to go to the prom with her! i am going to the prom with andie!!” marty could feel duckie’s big smile through the phone. he could also feel his heart drop to his stomach.

“earth to marty are ya still there?” duckie giggled.

“yeah, yeah i’m still here.” marty murmured, fiddling with the pencil in his hand.

“is something wrong?”

“no i’m just not feeling all that great tonight. i’ll talk to you at school tomorrow maybe.”

“wait marty don’t hang up yet. i need to ask you something.”

“what is it?”

“are you going to prom this weekend?”

“maybe. i don’t know yet. why?”

“i dunno. maybe you could hang out with andie and i if you went.”

“duckie i really gotta go. goodnight.” marty quickly hung up the phone before duckie could get another word out. hot tears streamed down his face as he buried his face into a pillow, just quietly sobbing.

duckie didn’t understand why marty was so quick to hang up. usually they’d be on the phone for hours. but ever since he started liking andie their friendship was kind of off. he missed marty a lot. he didn’t wanna lose him over some stupid girl. andie wasn’t just some stupid girl, at least not to him. marty knew him and andie had been closer but marty didn’t care. duckie understood why marty wouldn’t wanna hang out anymore if all he was gonna do was talk about andie.

prom was finally here. marty’s bandmates had convinced him to play so he just took up on the offer. he wore a dress jacket with a plain white tee, a pair of jeans, and a red tie. eventually the jacket and the tie came off since it was getting hot in the auditorium. he just so happened to look up right when duckie and andie were coming in. marty stepped back and gave his bandmates a cue. the music started to slow and the lights dimmed. marty stepped up to the mic.

“this is for that special someone i should’ve confessed to a long time ago.” marty said with a small smile before stepping back.

the keyboard started and soon enough marty was back up at the mic. “i can’t fight this feeling any longer. and yet i’m still afraid to let it flow. what started out as friendship has grown stronger...” he sang.

by now andie was off dancing with blane, as she should’ve been in the first place. duckie was just staring at the stage as he just watched marty, still trying to figure out who that special someone he was talking about was.

“and i can’t fight this feeling anymore. i’ve forgotten what i started fighting for…” marty realized duckie still wasn’t getting the hint so when the song was over, the band took a break and let the dj take over the music.

marty set his guitar down and went over to duckie. duckie was over by the bleachers by himself but immediately perked up when marty came around.

“so who was that special someone you were talking about up there?” duckie asked.

“it was you duckie.”

“you’re joking.”

“nope. i’ve liked you for a long time. just couldn’t find the words or the courage until tonight. now let’s go outside. i wanna do something.” marty got up and grabbed duckie’s hand, dragging him outside. duckie’s face was a bright pink as marty led him to the side of the school where no one could see them. marty pulled duckie into a deep kiss. they immediately melted, just like the first time they kissed. the kiss was longer than the first time. more enjoyable too now that they didn’t have to worry about andie. marty was the first one to pull away.

“i love you duckie dale.”

“i love you too marty mcfly.”

[shhhlikeme]

Nin’s Matchup!

(SFW + NSFW)

Matchup Profile: Sfw+nsfw matchup pretty pls! (1/5) Name: Nin>Female>5’4>Film & sfx/theatrical makeup freelancer>V athletic in MS-HS: ballet, was in volley ball, soccer &Basketball teams>Miss my prime days>Scared to start workout again b/c I’ll get lightheaded>If sum1 helps push me through initial fear, I’ll keep growing from there> Likes chilling in ballet stretch poses>paints, photographs&draws as hobby>draws a pic a day (mostly portraits)>writing a comic atm >Always plan contingencies.🦄

(2/5) >embarrassed of my loud laugh(it’s like Kuroo’s)>introvert>not afraid to lead a team tho> V shy & quiet most times>8/10 times, feels awk in public,like idk what i’m saying, but others told me I seem social>Once I’m comfy w/ u, i joke a lot(occasional mum jokes 2 annoy+Sassy dirty ones w/ S/O)>hides behind ppl who likes 2 talk, but not when they’re 2 loud>laughs @ mistakes/when embarrassed>Will stop mistreatment, even if I get in trouble>values communication&genuine discussions🦄

(3/5) Sings when home alone>competes @ Street Fighter tournaments, trains everyday 4 it>Sings “Hit Me W/ Your Best Shot” when fighting bosses in game&swears melodically when i lose>eats chips w/ chopsticks >make hats out of my cat fur when bored>Workahokic night🦉>likes 2 teach >full convos w/ my 🐱>LIVES in oversized hoodies & flip flops, regardless of weather>no pants@home!>Feels incompetent sometimes, but keep practicing 2 improve>Analytical fast learner>idk why ppl think i look innocent🦄

(4/5)>Forgets 2 speak eng when tired (Thai 1st lang.)>Headrubs 4 s/o every night b4 bed>will miss u but is bad@texting>yelps like puppy when I’m surprised>Unconventionally resourceful: Wire hangers’s fixes everything! >stress bakes & will gets pouty if it didn’t turn out well.>overwhelmed to water my 50+ 🌱 >Doodles on smt (always have a pen on me)when i feel socially anxious> 2 dance sober @ clubs> Wants a stable relationship where we work tgt like a team to bring out the best in one another🦄

(5/5) I like a s/o who is lovable, kind, genuine, mature, independent and caring, but can also joke & be silly with like best friends. NSFW: open 2 try new things>❤️restraints, blindfolds & sensual tickle sex (as lee+ler) but had always been too shy to share it with any1>occasionally self conscious of food baby+stretchmarks>🥰edging/teasing >has a thing 4 height differences (likes to feel smol lol!) & primal play.>Is a switch. I’m so sorry if it’s too much info! Thank you for doing this!🦄

————————————

A/N: HI LOVE @crushzone !!!! I SMILE WHEN I SEE YOU IN MY NOTIFS GIRL I WORKED HARD ON YOURS OF COURSE💖 But no matter whaaaat I’m going to be very authentic in my matchups bc they’re based on compatibility and therefore, without further ado, lemme introduce you to your NEW BAE:

————————————

KŌTARŌ BOKUTO 🦉

SFW:

so you’re a theatrical makeup artist.

Aight.

Mind if I offer you a word of advice? :

RUN

“DUDE THAT’S AMAZING IT LOOKS SO SICK!”

Startled by someone’s loud booming voice, you smudged the eyeliner you were applying to your actor’s face all over their forehead. Whipping around to see who had disrupted your work you were faced with a beautiful black and grey haired owl. A rather tall... and very attractive ‘beautiful black and grey haired owl.’

He started walking around the dressing room like he owned the place, touching everything.

“Excuse me, you don’t have a badge. You can’t be backstage—!”

“Pretty obvious don’t you think, Miss ________?”

You didn’t take his bait, refusing to give this stranger your name. Bokuto shrugged.

“Well since I don’t know your name I shall label thee—Miss HOT GIRL of the 9 Kingdoms!” He nudged the knight actor who was sitting in your makeup chair with his elbow. “Did I sound 15th century ish or what??” The owl turned to you expecting to be praised. “I had to meet the person who made the medieval vampire look so scary in the last act. But that guy with the lights didn’t tell me anything about you being so hot.”

You were speechless because he was hot too

But he shouldn’t be back here so you tried to shoo him out anyway

He allowed you to try to shove him out but he was way bigger than you so nice try sis

When he yawned while you panted because you weren’t able to budge him an inch....

Bokuto wagered that he would leave if you agreed to make him look like the Hulk with your makeup skills for a Halloween party he had to go to

You didn’t really want to because you were a professional and you had no idea who this owl was but because you had 15 minutes until the second act and you needed peace and quiet if you were going to finish your job!!! ....

( This boy was not peace NOR quiet )

You agreed.... but because you answered so fast Bokuto kicked it up one notch

Prince of pushing his luck (king is reserved for Shōyo‘s extra ass)

He pretended to allow you to push him out of the makeup room a few steps but before you closed the door he stuck his foot between the door so it couldn’t close.

Smiling, he peered back in, looking down at you:

“AND...... you have to agree to go on a date with me. Tomorrow night?”

“Ugh FINE!”

Bo removed his foot and let himself out with a bounce in his step.

SERIOUSLY WHO LET THIS MAN BACKSTAGE......

Needless to say, after a few dates, mans won you over like he wins EVERYONE over

It surprised you how comfortable you became with him but he just has that affect on people

***

In terms of your athletic relationship Bokuto does many things:

He pushes you to go to the gym with him for one

He signs the two of you up for impromptu Beginner 30-day challenges that you both must stick to

So every morning for 30-days straight he jumps on you in bed to wake you up:

“NIN BABY TIME TO HIT THE GYM. BABY NIN TIME TO GET IN SOME SEXY GYM SHORTS. MON BÉBÉ NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNN—“

“Kōtarō, please shut up.”

he doesn’t

He drags you there and eventually you get back into the swing of things.. killing it in the weight room with your supportive man cheering on your every rep!

You don’t even need him to wake you up during the second challenge!

Your volleyball player boyfriend also signs you up (without permission) for the neighborhood soccer team that Akaashi’s girlfriend is already on

You hated it at first because it was uncomfortable going back after not playing for so long but you soon realized that all the girls there were ex-athletes too and not stars

You formed amazing new girl friendships (especially with Akaashi’s gf) and double dates with them were one of your favourite nights of the week!

You owed that happiness in your life all to your Owl 🦉🥰

He and Akaashi came to every soccer game y’all had and you and the three of you went to all of Bokuto’s games, obviously

Btw you all were FITTTTTT OML

***

In addition...

You already know that your man finds your artistic talents insanely fascinating

On your first anniversary together Bokuto gifted you with a new paint set and new French stand:

Because he admires you Bokuto also tries to draw and paint seriously just like you

You stand over his shoulder and give him corrections and baby owl learns so fast it’s amazing

You two make ‘paint night’ a thing when you move in together and it’s always the most fun event!!!!

Bokuto CONSTANTLY and I mean CONSTANTLY asks for you to add him to the comic you’re writing but you say no because he wouldn’t fit in

He sulks but one day you surprise him by showing him that you drew a cute soaring black and gray owl in the background of almost every outdoor scene in your comic,

you pointed out that it was him

BOKUTOOOO WAS SOOOOO HAPPY

HE WAS SHOUTING FROM THE ROOFTOPS

He called Akaashi right away and almost cried tears of joy hahahahaha

***

Your contingent based lifestyle has saved your reckless boyfriend’s life and career many-a-times

It’s one of the things he loves most about you.

Also, it is important to mention that he is in LOVE with your laugh

Bby owl does anything to hear it and showers your face with kisses when you laugh to draw it out

He loves you so freaking much

When you don’t make sense and speak gibberish in public because your awkward side randomly comes out......your boyfriend loves to make fun of you:

“Huh? Nin, that wasn’t Japanese, that wasn’t Thai and that definitely wasn’t English. What planet is my adorable baby girl from, again? And how do I return her in exchange for a floating space car instead?!”

suh cute

All of Bokuto’s teammates really like you because you work in conjunction with Akaashi which means you actually have the magic ability to get Bokuto out of emo mode even faster than his best friend 🤯🤯🤯

When he’s at an away game in emo mode his teammates will literally FaceTime you and point their phone in his general direction

“Hey, Kōtarō!!!! Look, Nin’s on the phoneeee!”

Bby owl turns around slowly when he was sulking in the corner and when he sees you on the screen he’s running and jumping on whoever is holding your phone.”

“Kōtarō baby. You’re going to stop this emo mode right now. If not I won’t let you paint me nude like we discussed.”

mans was like: 😨😨😨😨🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

YEP the next second you see him hitting his best practice spikes and his teammate thanks you profusely

You do this several times until Kōtarō just knows to not go into emo mode anymore because you won’t be happy

A year into his professional volleyball career The Black Jackal’s coach sent a surprise fruit bouquet to your work one time:

With a note that read:

To Nin,

Thanks.

Thanks a lot.

Love,

The Team

***

I know you don’t really like people who are considered “too loud” and Bokuto is like...... “MEGA LOUD 🎙 “ but you and Akaashi work together to quiet your boy down as he gets older

He’s perfect

And you love him

***

OKAY THIS IS THE FUNNIEST day THING:

You know how you like standing up for people (even strangers) and stuff?

Well one day, you and Bokuto get caught on a show called WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

Where the two of you cussed out this cat-abusing actor on the show in a convincing scenario!

It was PRICELESS

Bokuto literally tells everyone that y’all are movie stars because of it 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

***

More in the relationship:

Bo is always singing with you 💞 when y’all make breakfast it becomes a national sport to sing at the top of your lungs!!

And when he sees you eat chips with chopsticks he’s pulling a Hinata “🤩🤩🤩” face .

He begs you to teach him how

So you try

......and try

..................and try

He can’t do it bruv 😞

You see bby Owl’s emo mode return for the first time in like a year when the chip shatters between his sticks again

This time, you have to enlist Akaashi as the FaceTime saviour and Keiji just tells him:

“Bokuto. You should prefer eating chips with your hands anyway. It gets to your mouth faster.”

cue Bo’s 🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩 face

........And all is well again

There’s more:

So you’re a workaholic?

Bokuto is fine with that. He just makes you promise that he gets to take you out on your lunch breaks a few times a week or whenever he can

He’s so sweet and your coworkers are BIG jealous of your relationship

Your man BEGSSSSS you to teach him Thai but you find it too hard so when he’s travelling on a long flight he spends the time learning the language on YouTube (and actually get decent at it) so that he can understand you when you’re sleepy😴🥺💕

When Bokuto surprises you by wishing you goodnight in Thai before he falls asleep (while you’re giving him head rubs), your heart explodes BECAUSE why is he the cutest thing in the world ?!?!?!

RELATIONSHIP COMMUNICATION:

You don’t text/you’re bad at texting? That’s fine, mainly because bby owl is so busy with volleyball anyway, but if you don’t text him back when he is feeling needy the boy will call you 20 times in a row

When you finally pick up, your heart is beating like thinking it’s an emergency

But he will answer saying:

“Oh, no emergency. I just want booty pics. Please, Nin babyyyyy?”

you’re like: 😑

ANOTHER CUTE THING YOUR MAN DOES?????

AIGHT:

It’s cringey but.......

When you’re at work all day doing makeup and he’s home he will send you pics throughout the day of him taking care of your plants like they are y’alls newborn children:

His text:

Baby look!!! Ollie the Orchid grew to 7 inches today!!! Yesterday he was 6.8 inches!!!!! They grow up so fast 😭😭😭”

Your reply:

Not quite as long as your dick, Bo

His reply:

I hate when you get me horny when I’m trying to take care of the kiiiids 😭😭😭😭

Dkm

Of all the factors you look for in a man, Bokuto has all of them

Like I said he becomes much more mature when you and Akaashi are his closest compadres

What people don’t know is that Kōtarō is actually very mature he is just a hardcore optomist (besides emo mode lmao) so people often mistake him as immature or dumb

But He’s far from it and you see that everyday

It’s why you fell for him

When dealing with serious issues that life has to handle, you see a different side of Bokuto, a real side, the side he shows in every tough volleyball game when he makes you metaphorically step behind him so he can deal with any problem that comes your way

He would literally withstand all your battles if that meant you’d remain happy forever

We stan a relationship like yours💞

NSFW:

okay so you know how you chill in ballet 🩰 stretches sometimes?

THAT DRIVES KŌTARŌ WILD.

It turns him on so much and he is constantly testing how flexible you are in the bedroom

When you keep meeting his expectations he is POUNDING you cause he is so turned on

He fucking loves it

It also turns him on when you’ll be acting shy and stuff but then randomly you’ll lead your neighbourhood soccer team like a BAD BITCH

When he sees that he’s already asking Akaashi how long until the game ends because he’s horny:

Akaashi deadpans. “Too much information. And the game just started 3 minutes ago. Get a water and calm yourself.”

Bo is sad but it makes for one hell of a I’m-proud-of-you sexscape when you get home from your game!!

Your dirty jokes also turn Bokuto on.

A lot.

A lot a lot:

“Bo.....I was joking.”

“I know but if I hear the word ‘dick’ coming out of your mouth I automatically think of you blowing me so now I want us to go home.” He whines.

You sigh. He’s lucky he’s so fucking hot.

When you’re playing street fighter every night this boy will not leave you alone until you cockwarm him

“Nin can you pleaseeeeee warm my cock while you train? I miss you.”

Your concentration turns him on so he has to ask nicely 😊

You love his dick so of course you oblige

Bby owl is so happy just sitting there being in your company and in your warmth but sometimes or every time he ends up thrusting into you

Sometimes while he’s giving you deep slow thrusts he orders you to keep playing or he won’t get you off

Damn 🤤

Let’s not forget also that you drive your man wild by walking around the house in hoodies all the time and nothing else

Every day, another hoodie will be found in various RANDOM places in the house because Bo flings it off you before he makes love to you wherever, and they go missing

Finally, when you get all sad and pouty because one of your baker trials goes to shit (ruined chocolate brownies this time, boo 💔), your boyfriend is taking your hand gently in an instant, leading you to the bedroom:

“Don’t be sad my beautiful girl, you know how much I hate seeing you sad. It makes me sad.! Here, come in the room and sit on my face—I promise I’ll make you feel better.”

WELL DAMN—😳💦

Maybe you should screw up brownie recipes more often.

————————————

A/N: do you know the show what would you do??? Watch it on YouTube if you haven’t haha I couldn’t stop thinking about you and Bokuto being on it after reading your matchup profile!!!! I hope you liked it bb! Give me all your reactions, I want all the smoke 💞💞💞

[jcmorrigan]

So... Did you hear about the new TWEWY game coming out yet?

Oooohhhh boy. Neo. I have heard about Neo, and I’m not happy.

Let me start by saying that Sho Minamimoto is my favorite character. I love him SO much. And every single reason for this lies in his villainy (no matter what a younger, more morality-obsessed me would try to tell you). This is a young rebel who decides he wants to fight God and rule over all dead people in this city. He asserts his dominance by chucking Dadaist trash piles all over the place and going “This is MINE because I put my TRASH here!” He’s an utter slimeball and that’s why he’s ENJOYABLE to me.

 I do not see any of this magic being recaptured so long as he has to play nice with the hero team.

 Maybe he won’t be redeemed. He could be the Token Evil Teammate – though that still wouldn’t allow him as much freedom and fun as his days of roping angels and the FORBIDDEN type of evil encounter monster into a grand conspiracy. Or he could be a Twist Villain, but let’s be real – modern media is never that obvious about who the twist bad guy is.

 (Except No Straight Roads, which understood that a predictable Twist Villain is an effective one. ILSYM NSR. But that studio is considerably smaller than Squenix and can do what it wants, like allowing its voice actors to say a queer ship the fans made is good. Oh, I long for the day when a Squenix developer will actually validate even ONE of our gay ships in FF or KH.)

 The other thing is that I only very recently just checked out A New Day’s scenes. Like, a week ago. Remember when I put up that edit of Coco Atarashi x Symonne from Tales of Zestiria? That’s the timeframe to mark. Listen. I grew up on old-school TWEWY on the DS. I never played any of the Remixes. So after seeing enough content of Coco on my dash, I was like “I should actually watch the epilogue that has this cool Reaper who pretends to be cute but isn’t” (an archetype I like a lot these days).

 The thing about A New Day is that we live in a post-KHIII world, which kinda affects how I view all of Squenix. A New Day felt like KHIII levels of complication. Not like the “KH is complicated” jokes of old in which it was just long and had lots of continuity so people were like “This is too much to keep track of” (which it wouldn’t have been if they’d packaged the Remix games on the same console from the start, but I digress). As in how in III and the prequel/Daybreak era, Nomura and his crew have started throwing in alternate realities and time travel because they keep getting bored with the plot they’re doing now and want to make it something else. You know what else KHIII did a lot of? Villain redemptions. Vexen, who is even dearer to me than Sho, became not only a hero, but a hero who lost all of his personality. Most fanfics I’ve seen that deal with his redemption at least keep him in character to who Vexen used to be. But canon decided he doesn’t even have a personality anymore, and so you wonder why I’m worried about Sho?

 Also to consider: the fact that KHIII insists on tying itself to TWEWY lore. I just want to forget the worst parts of that game, but canon won’t let me, the fandom won’t let me, and I’m SURE Neo won’t let me. Neo is going to remind me that Sora yeeted himself into the sun because one (1) of his friends was important than the entire collective of the other people who love him and it’s probably going to have to do with him running around somewhere.

 Or it won’t. After all, there’s no hint of that. There’s also no hint it’s going to resolve the cliffhanger from A New Day. Neku is nowhere to be found, even though Sho was supposed to be his partner. Coco is nowhere to be seen. Sho’s existence and the naming of Hype-Chan are the only proof I have that AND is going to be followed up on at all (BTW, “Tsugumi”? Nothing objectively wrong with it; I’m just so deep in the DanganRonpa hole that I will constantly say “Tsumugi” by accident). And maybe the other stuff’s hidden because the crew is guarding spoilers, but those are all plot threads we very clearly expected as of AND, so there’s nothing to spoil if you cut your footage right. It seems so backward to me that we have to design a whole new crew of characters to take over the story to finish a plot that involves Neku somehow. (Though Nomura is designing them and again, he gets bored with what he’s doing so quickly and wants to move onto the next thing, which means he should really just start making different series or oneshots instead of trying to pack it all into one. TWEWY was best when it was a standalone thing with no worry of series rot.)

 It also just feels unfair to me that it has this whole 3D battle system and OG TWEWY just got its 2D system in high-def. Maybe this is because a couple months ago, I was having a chat with a friend about “If you were a game developer, what would you do” and I came up with this whole way to translate the TWEWY UI into the stuff of a fully voice-acted and animated 3D game, and now Neo is halfway there, and obviously the OG could have been translated to this, but it hasn’t been, and you need to understand OG TWEWY in order to get Neo’s plot, so why can’t we streamline them both? REALLY remake OG TWEWY into something that matches its successor? I just love the story and characters of classic TWEWY, and I’d sooner see that all polished up on a new platform and made accessible to a new audience of gamers than just blowing on to a new cast and a plot that I’m really not sure will be good.

 But in the end, if Sho Minamimoto is fun, I’ll be happy, and I’m afraid he won’t be. I’m afraid he’ll either go full antihero or be diluted into “evil, but only in his words” by the ball-and-chain of the party around him. Oh, and did I mention I’m gonna be real mad when we eventually have to deal with how Sora fits into this?

 I do really, really love Sho’s new coat, though. Like…an insane amount. I might actually reblog fanart of him in that coat if people are drawing it because as much as I am not excited for this game, the costume design is already gorgeous.

[zenithlux]

Cadence Update - 24

Catch up on the story here!

Long lost words whisper slowly to me Still can’t find what keeps me here When all this time I’ve been so hollow inside I know your still there Watching me…

Haunted - Evanescence

-------------

That night, the nightmares returned.

He’d forgotten how miserable each one was; an endless cycle of torture and almost-death that always ended once he’d healed again. He’d tried to forget them. He’d thought he’d moved on. But on this particular night, this particular set of dreams, he knew that he failed. 

Oh Nelo…

Mundus’ face hovered in the sky above him, but Vergil didn’t dare meet its gaze. He couldn’t. Not anymore. Not when that monster was so close to him now. Over and over he chanted: It’s just a dream. It’s just a dream. But that only amused Nightmare Mundus, whose booming laugh reverberated in Vergil’s very bones.

You tried so hard to escape.

Vergil hissed as shards of glass shot through him in so many places his brain couldn’t process them all. He bit his tongue, drawing blood as another one pierced straight through his chest. His lungs collapsed - he’d felt that enough times to know what was happening - and he gasped as air flooded out of him in a panic. 

But this is inevitable, Nelo. 

The shards retreated. His body healed. Air rushed back into his lungs, painfully filling in where the holes had once been. It wouldn’t be long until another series of something impaled him. Glass. Swords. Bones. Yamato. 

Yamato… That is an interesting idea. Mundus whispered. I wonder if I’d be better off discarding your pesky human emotions altogether. 

Vergil wished he could fight back. He prayed for some kind of snide remark that would prove he was still fighting. But nothing came to him but cold, hard dread. He would not survive a second break. His human form would vanish in an instant. His demon half would follow its new master. He would cease to exist. 

Vergil!

Mundus growled. That foolish girl interrupts what she does not understand. 

“Leave her out of this,” Vergil said. 

Vergil! Wake up!

Mundus chuckled. I’m afraid that’s just not possible. But how fun it will be to tear her to pieces in front of you. Maybe I’ll start with the familiars…

“Enough!” Vergil shouted, stretching against the chains that dug further into his skin. “You will not have me.”

We shall see. 

“Wake up!”

Vergil snapped upright in a panic. A yelp of surprise caught him off guard as his hand found flesh. A blast of cold smacked him in the chest. He recoiled as his vision finally cleared. Roxy hit the ground, gasping for air as she reached for her neck. A bruise was already forming, and Vergil realized what he’d done. 

No…

No. No. No.

“Leave!” He yelled.

“No!” She snapped back as she dragged herself to her feet. 

“I said…”

“I’m not leaving you!”

Silence fell. Kuro retreated, his energy slipping back into Roxy. The bruise vanished, leaving Vergil to stare into her furious gaze instead. 

No… not furious. 

Terrified.

“I hurt you.” 

“It was my fault,” She said. “I shouldn’t have tried to shake you awake like that.”

 “You didn’t have a choice.”

“It was Mundus, wasn’t it?” When Vergil said nothing, she sighed and sat down on the edge of the bed. “You didn’t hurt me.”

“You…”

“Dia won’t be back for at least a week. She’s working with Nico as we speak and has Dante and Nero watching out for more unusual portals. Our Yamato thief has not reappeared, but the chances of them finding this place are slim to none.”

“There’s still a chance.”

“That is why we need to figure out what we have to do,” She said. “The moment Dia comes back, we have to make the pact or this will all be for nothing. I’ve located some of my father’s work, but I’ve only found some information on his transplants.” She paused for a moment then, quietly, she said, “Have you always had nightmares?”

“I assumed you were aware of them.”

Roxy blinked. “Why? I sleep pretty soundly when I actually fall asleep.”

“When you actually…?” Vergil trailed off as his gaze hardened. “How many days?”

She looked away. “Since?”

“You’ve slept a full night.”

Still, she didn’t look at him, but her fingers tightened on the blanket. “Three or so.” She mumbled. “I’ve gotten about eight hours total. I think. Maybe less.” She shook her head. “This isn’t about me.”

“If you’ve needed help…”

She snorted. “With what, sleeping? And how are you going to help with that? Sing me a lullaby?”

“You need to rest.” 

“I can’t, Vergil.” There was a hint of anger in her tone, but she clearly didn’t have the energy to express it. “And I don’t appreciate you turning this conversation on me.” When she met his gaze again, it was with a soft, warning glare. “How would I know about your nightmares?”

“Aki,” Vergil said. “He’s always been there when I have one.”

She stared at him, and Vergil was absolutely positive she had no idea what he was talking about. “But why?” She muttered, more to herself than him. “How would that even help?” She went silent for a moment as her eyes closed. Vergil could imagine her reaching deep into her subconscious, searching for Aki’s soul. Maybe she would summon him. Maybe she wouldn’t. It didn’t matter as long as she got answers. When her eyes opened again, they were Kuro’s pale blue. “Aki says he could feel your distress and wanted to comfort you.” She shook her head. “I never considered that my own familiars could help you.” 

“How?”

“Kuro’s magic is primarily healing,” She said. “And Aki has likely absorbed plenty over the years…” Her eyes brightened suddenly as if a literal lightbulb had gone off in her head. “I can help too!”

“What?”

“Proximity,” She whispered. “Maybe if I sleep in the same room…”

“Absolutely not. I’m not risking your life to make myself feel better.” Vergil said. 

Her anger flared up again. This time, she had no trouble showing it. “You didn’t hurt me.”

“I’m not an idiot, Roxy.” He said. “I saw the bruise.”

“I bruise very easily,” She said. “And, as you can see,” she waved her hand near her neck. “It’s gone.”

“Roxy,”

“Please, Vergil,” She said. “Let me at least try.” 

“... You’re not going to give this up are you?”

“Nope.”

Vergil sighed. “Fine.” 

--------------

After three days of near-perfect sleep, it was Kuro who woke Vergil up. 

“Come,” The dragon said, his snout incredibly close to Vergil’s face. “Leave her here.” He hopped off the bed and sauntered away, leaving Vergil to stare at the ceiling. Roxy was asleep beside him, as her heartbeat was a gentle thump that had miraculously kept most of the nightmares away. He’d had a couple, but she’d always been there to soothe him back to sleep. In fact, Roxy had barely left his side since her promise, constantly finding ways to distract him when his mind wandered too far. And Vergil didn’t mind the constant companionship, though he was very aware that he was much less her caretaker now than she was his. But, considering how quiet the rest of his family had been (which he hoped was a good sign), she was the glue holding him together. 

Of course, none of this helped him figure out what Kuro could possibly want on a morning like this. The dragon had been rather quiet as of late. After they’d been forced to give Roxy some of Vergil’s blood to keep her functioning without the extra demons to help, Kuro had all but disappeared. Roxy said he was keeping track of her “from within” (though she had sounded a bit skeptical about that). The dragon had claimed he was giving them privacy, but the two had both agreed they weren’t doing anything that necessarily needed it. Sure, the two had been more open about their feelings toward each other, but they still had a lot to figure out before anything… drastic.

Honestly, that was the furthest thing from Vergil’s mind at the moment. They’d have plenty of time to figure things out once Mundus was taken care of. 

Aki appeared on Vergil’s chest and gave a series of chirps as he tilted his head in what Vergil assumed was a “what are you waiting for?”. Then, the bird ran up Vergil’s arm and curled up in the small space beside a sleeping Roxy. Vergil sighed as he absentmindedly ran his thumb along her arm. Dia hadn’t returned yet, though he had no way of knowing how time worked between her world and theirs. He didn’t have the mental energy to stress over that too. 

A low growl is what finally got him out of bed, and he wasn’t surprised to find a very irritated, and rather large Kuro sitting outside. He towered a good few feet over Vergil, tongue flicking in pure frustration.

Vergil was not impressed. 

“Slow as usual,” Kuro said.

“If you’re trying to intimidate me, don’t bother,” Vergil replied.

“You are not ready.”

“For?”

“To be her familiar.”

Vergil’s eyebrow shot up. “It is temporary, is it not?”

“You don’t know how long that might be,” Kuro said. “What if Mundus’ hold on you does not immediately break? What if his mark remains and he comes after her? What if my power is overused in the process and she needs yours to keep her going?” Kuro’s head rose a bit higher. “You are wholly unprepared for the possibilities, and I am going to teach you.”

“I know how familiars work,” Vergil said. 

“Summoning is a lot different than being summoned.”

“I’ll be fine.”

Kuro huffed. “How do you maintain balance between her energy and yours?”

“I…” Vergil trailed off, realizing the ruse was up.

“How do you keep your thoughts from flowing freely into her mind?”

“I’m sure that’s…”

“How do you keep your nightmares from terrorizing her?”

“You’ve made your point.”

“Have I?” Kuro said. “Do you know how to summon yourself in any form she needs you in, regardless of the strain it puts on you? Do you know how to channel your demonic magic where she needs it instead of yourself? Do you even know what it’s like to put someone else’s safety entirely above your own?” The dragon’s muzzle was uncomfortable close now, and his voice only got louder. “This isn’t some game, Vergil. It’s her life. And I will not allow you to undo the sacrifices I have made to maintain it.” 

“It isn’t my intention to hurt her,” Vergil said. “Nor am I so foolish to risk her life.”

“You’re afraid.”

Vergil’s eyes drifted closed. “Not of her.”

“Of what could happen.”

“I don’t have much of a choice.”

“Which is why I ask that you learn what you can while you have the chance,” Kuro said. “If something goes wrong, you need to be the one in control, understand?” 

Finally, Vergil nodded. “I do.”

[qvicksilversass]

You Can Be So Cruel - Part 8

(Pietro Maximoff x Plussize!Reader) (M)

You used to think no one could hate you as much as you hated yourself, until you meet the speedster with a seeming desire to break you.

Words: 3202 Warnings: Anxiety, body issues, bullying, language, angst

false apologies

The city’s quiet and you welcome the stillness, the cool air easing the crawling sensation over your skin. The row of benches only lit by dim street lights stretching out as far as you could see. The delicate rustling of leaves the only sound. You inhale, trying to get a grip on your emotions, clear your mind. Part of you knows how dangerous being out here alone was.

You knew, but you couldn’t stand being in your room anymore. You had to get away. You’d ripped up your dress, scrubbed at your skin till it's red and sore. Still, you can't get rid of his smell, the remnants of his touch on your skin.

For the first time in so long, you felt beautiful, desired. Pietro had made you feel that, his words, his actions they all seemed so genuine. The whole night played over and over in your mind, you kept trying to find something you missed. Some clue that you should have seen.

Why couldn't you ever learn? You're someone people use, never enough for people to value,  only something to pass the time.

You contemplate walking back to the tower when your phone vibrates in your pocket with another message. You wanted to ignore everything, forget everything. So you watch the stars, shining through the trees and over the imposing buildings of New York. You watch until the sky turns a lighter blue, then pink and golden as the sun rises. Even as the park starts to come to life filling with families and tourists, you can’t bring yourself to leave.

“Why don’t you answer your phone?! Do you know how worried they are about you?”

Surrounded by wisps of blue, Pietro towers over you. You daren’t look up, afraid of what you’d say, what you’d see in his eyes. Of course he wouldn’t admit that might care enough to worry about you. Pietro sighs and sits next to you on the bench.

“Have you been here all night?” he places his hand over yours, stopping you from picking at the hem of your hoodie and tentatively interlocks his fingers with yours, “I’m sorry.”

All that anger and hurt you’d been pushing down all night seeps over your chest, I’m sorry? That’s it? 

“I trusted you, even after everything you did... I believed you Pietro...” you hear the crack in your voice, daring to glance up at him, “do you know what it's like to hate everything about yourself? To never be beautiful, wanted? To give anything to feel normal?” 

“Just once I thought I could, with you.” You drag your hand from under his, desperate for a glimpse of understanding, that he’d be honest this time, but he can't even look at you.

“Those things I said-"

“Which things?” You chuckle, wiping your eyes, “what am I saying? I already know.” 

Pietro held your face and in spite of yourself you lean into his palm, “I didn't want to hurt you. This with you, its, I don't know how to-” 

Yet he did, again. You don’t want to hear excuses, didn't want him to have to lie to you again, “you know what? It's fine, Pietro. You sleep with everything that moves. I knew that. How many girls have been in that bed since I got here?" 

You get up to leave, hardly taking a step before he pulls you back to face him, "That's because of you!" 

"What?"  

"I shouldn't like you, but I can't stop thinking about you!"

"You shouldn't like me?"  

I shouldn’t like you. You’re not my type. I don’t know why I like you. This is wrong. You’re wrong.

"So what was last night? Some experiment to get me out of your system? Do you realise how fucked up that is?"  

Pietro shakes his head, gripping your arms, "No, fuck, y/n, that's not what it was like, I-"

"Do you promise?" You snarled, shoving him back away from you and turning to run, run away from his words cruelly echoing in your mind. 

---

Fuck. You had to get out of here. You couldn’t do it. Couldn’t face seeing him everywhere. As soon as you got back to the tower, you head straight to your room, taking your suitcase out of the wardrobe.

“Y/n?” The door creaks open and you ignore it, grabbing anything you can think of. You must look crazy, but you can’t stop. The thought of getting away from him the only thing keeping you from breaking.

“Where are you going?” Wanda asks, Steve stood behind her. 

“What did he do this time?” Steve frowns and your eyes flit to Wanda before you go back to packing, stuffing more clothes in your case.

Like you don’t know. Like you aren’t both dying to say I told you so.

You want to scream, what’s wrong with you? Wanda wouldn't tell Steve, only if you wanted her to, “I need to go for a few days, that’s all.”

They share a look, Steve cautiously putting his hand on your shoulder, “No. You're gonna stay here with me and Wanda. It’s date night you promised we'd watch-”

“Steve…”

Not now. You wanted to run, not pretend you were okay. That your heart wasn't wrecked and your skin crawling with shame. Wanting to do anything to stop it to not feel it anymore.

“I’ll get us some drinks.” Wanda smiles the gesture not meeting her eyes and you feel guilt crawl in your belly. You want to appreciate their concern, yet it makes you angry. Why are they bothering with you? They should let you go. You dig your nails into the skin of your arm as Steve moves things around, clearing the bed and stacking pillows.

“Steve stop, you don't have to keep doing this, I’m not your responsibility you don't have to keep-”

“It’s not because I have to, I want to.”

How can he? To see you so weak all the time? To have to take this every time you fall apart, it wasn’t fair on them. Your phone beeps and Wanda’s red mist snatches it before you can, shutting it in your drawer.

“He can wait.”

Steve waves the remote around pressing random buttons, “Now, we gonna cuddle and watch this movie or do I have to find it myself?”

Wanda rolls her eyes and grabs it off him, “No!”

You watch them arguing, scrolling through the menus and don’t realise you’re smiling until Steve beams at you. He pulls you down to the bed and sits you between them. Intro music plays on the screen and Wanda hands you both drinks and popcorn, leaning into you and pressing you closer to Steve.

“How ‘bout I kick his ass?” 

“I’ll invite him to power training,” Wanda remarks, "if he saw what you could do he’d think twice.”

“I could fuck up his hair? Think he needs both arms to run?” 

Wanda laughs, putting down her drink and resting her head on your middle, pulling the blanket up to her neck. She never made it through a full film.

“Remind me not to get on your bad side.” 

“That would never happen.” Wanda yawns and you stroke her hair, hearing her soft snores not long after. Steve smirks down at her before yawning himself.

God, you wished being around Pietro was this easy, this natural. Not to have all the tension, the doubt, all the fear. If Wanda and Steve hadn’t come to your room tonight, you’d have left, given up on everything.

“Take what you need okay?”

You glance up at him not quite sure what he meant. Was this pity or concern, did he really care for you? Whatever it was, you start to relax in spite of yourself. That anxiety in your heart calms and you let your head rest on his shoulder.  

Steve wraps his arm around your waist drawing you against him and giving your waist a quick squeeze to let you know it’s okay, you’re not hurting him. He makes you feel safe, they both do, and you’d never be worthy of it.  Steve yawns again and you feel his breathing slow as he falls asleep too, your eyes hardly staying open as you attempt to watch the film.

You wake surrounded by warmth, a heartbeat steadily thumping in your ear, soft fabric against your skin. Wanda's gone the blanket tucked over you both, your arm draped over his waist. 

You peep up at him and smile, his hair’s all messy and stuck up where his head’s been on your pillows, his face tilted down towards you. He must have been so uncomfortable. That bit of stubble he had when you first got here now a beard and you have the urge to run your fingers over his jaw, find out if it’s as soft as it looks.

What was he doing here? Wasting his time on you? He's so beautiful, so kind. You find yourself wishing you were good enough for a man like him. Good enough to be treated how you know he would. He begins to stir and you move your arm away sitting up. 

“Morning,” he smiles sleepily, moving hair out of your face, "how'd you sleep?"

“Really well actually, you make a great pillow.” 

“I better go get changed, Monday meeting..." he yawns, stretching his back, “how ‘bout you?”

The thought of facing Pietro fills you with dread and Steve notices, wrapping you up in a hug and it instantly calms you.

"Whenever you feel like this, you come see me or Wanda. No running away. Not when your this close." 

"Okay?" 

“Okay.”  

---

The next week feels like hell, you’re constantly angry and it starts to consume you. You can't get Pietro and that night out of your head. You're always aroused when you're near him, always frustrated. Always ashamed. You close yourself off and focus on training, staying in the gym till late at night, hardly sleeping. Every effort he made to apologise you shut down, you didn't want to hear it. Nothing that came out of his mouth meant anything anymore. 

By Sunday you’re exhausted and not in the mood for breakfast with everyone, only attending for Wanda. You help her cook and make drinks while they chat about their week. 

"Hi there."

Everyone looks up at the unusual voice, watching the girl stride through the room in nothing but a shirt. Her beautiful long blond hair falls in messy waves down her back and it's obvious what she's spent the night doing.

Wanda and the others glance between each other confused, while your chest tightened and your stomach turned.

That shirt. It was the same one Pietro wore to the party.

The girl giggled and went to look in the fridge for god knows what, bending over and revealing pretty much everything.

Steve covered his eyes and Sam whistled, "damn, leave something to the imagination."

She turned to face him, red-faced and giggling. Not at all bothered she'd flashed the whole room. Was this her attempt at flirting? Bucky muttered 'tramp' under his breath and turned back to his breakfast. You gritted your teeth, looking back to your plate.

Steve tried to collect himself, "Sorry miss, who are you?"

"Oh, I'm sorry. I'm Eva," she smiled leaning over the counter, her breasts popping out of the shirt. Though at least her ass was facing the other way this time.

"Are you really Captain America?" Eva purred and walked around Steve, feeling his arm muscles. The look of fear on his face was priceless, "Damn, you are as built as you look on TV."

"Eva is it? What are you doing here?" Wanda asked and Steve breathes out in relief.

"Well, I met this guy in a bar last night, tells me he's an Avenger. I didn't believe him until he brought me here, and wow, look at you guys."

She tried to move onto Bucky though he was having none of it. Standing up and throwing his dishes in the sink, "get dressed and go home lady."

"I told you to wait in my room." The voice is loud and angry, accompanied by the unmistakable streak of blue as Pietro grabbed Eva by the arm.

"Sorry babe I was hungry, you gave me quite the appetite."

Eva winked at you and you felt the bile rise in your throat. You tried to sink back into your chair, wanting nothing more than to disappear.

"Y/n, this isn't, she's just..." Pietro whispered when he saw you, a little bit of guilt mixing in with the anger and embarrassment. Unable to take your eyes off his there’s a quiet tension. Everyone wondering why he was explaining himself to you. They all knew about his sleeping around. All joked about it.

"Wait, that's y/n?" Eva laughed pointing at you, an entirely different attitude to you than before. You bit your lip, fighting back an insult. Pietro started dragging her off.

"Let’s go Ella..." 

"It's Eva," she scowled, yanking her arm out of his grip and walking beside him, "you don't remember my name, yet you go on all night about that? Are you kidding me?"

"That's enough. It's time you went home Eva." Pietro’s hardly containing his anger as they carry on walking, almost shoving her out the door.

"Don't worry Peter, I'm leaving. Last night was nothing special. Seems your quick at everything," all your mouths dropped open then, "you're not even a proper Avenger, I only wanted to meet them."

"That was low man." Sam chuckled.

Wow, she was a bitch. Yet that bitter part of you is enjoying his embarrassment. Serves him right.

"That's what happens when you can't keep it in your pants." Steve growled and stormed off. Oh god, had he figured it out? You let out a frustrated breath, your head dropping into your hands. 

“Am I missing something?” Sam’s staring at where Steve was just standing, then back to you. 

“Just my brother being an ass.” Wanda fumes and you help her gather up plates and throwing them in the sink.

“Thanks for breakfast,” Bucky smiles, ushering out a confused Sam, “same time next week?”

Wanda’s attention turns to you as soon as they’re gone, “Are you okay?”

“Nope.” 

"He’s infuriating. I know he cares about you, he's confused-"

"This isn’t confused...I don't know what this is Wanda-”

Eva storms back through the common room heading for the elevators. You hold your breath as she turns to glare at you, pointing in your face.

"Good luck with that man-whore piggy, he's fucked up!" 

"What did you say?!" Wanda yells and you have to hold her back, your hand on hers to stop her using her powers.  

"She's not worth it." You're hardly containing your own anger. This is the kind of girl Pietro wants? Did her pretty face really make up for how hateful and arrogant she is?  Eva smirks looking down her nose at you as the elevator doors close.  

Why didn't you leave when Steve offered? Why did you get so drunk? Why were you so weak so eager for the attention he gave you? Why the fuck did you want to defend him, punch that bitch's lights out? God, you’re both fucked up.

“Neica, I want to talk to you!” Wands yells, hitting his arm, but Pietro doesn’t take his eyes from you. Striding past Wanda and picking you up before you can react. He drops you down and slams the door to his room, standing back against it. stopping you from leaving. 

You can’t be here. His bedsheets are still all crumpled and messed up, did he even shower? How can he bring you here? You hit him in the chest, pushing him, anything to get past him, get out. Still, he doesn’t flinch no matter how hard you hit him.

He grabs your wrists trapping you between him and the door,  "Please, will you fucking listen to me?!"

"And What? You’ll explain?” you struggle against him, him pressing his body into yours only making you angrier, “I'm just like Eva...just another night to you!"

“You’re nothing like her! I want you y/n." 

"Yeah, when you're horny, when you feel like it, in-between making me feel like shit!" 

He lets you go, pacing the room, his shoulders heaving and runs his hands through his hair, "You don't care, you wouldn't talk to me!"  

“So you find the nearest girl and fuck her instead?!”  You scream back at him,  your hand on the door handle ready to leave. Why can’t you bring yourself to? Why can’t you ignore the pain in his eyes when he steps closer, his hands drifting from your neck to hold your face. 

"Let me make it better, let me keep my promise.”

That fucking promise. It meant nothing the moment the words left his mouth, only you were too stupid to see it. You can't let yourself trust him like that again.

"That night was a mistake, I was drunk." 

“So it meant nothing?” he asks searching your eyes, “this means nothing?” 

"I'm sorry the ugliest, fattest girl you've ever been with doesn't want you. I need to concentrate on training, not you." 

Your voice falters, the way he’s watching you, so intense his eyes on your lips. He’s not listening. You try and push him away, he only holds you closer, tilting your face to kiss you again.

In an ideal world, his kiss would show you how much he cared, how much he wanted to make it up to you. But this wasn’t that. You can still smell Eva’s perfume. Imagine his hands caressing her soft flawless skin, so much softer than yours. Did he give her false promises? Praise that meant nothing?

Pietro tries to deepen the kiss and something inside you snaps. You want to hurt him, make him stop. You bite down on his bottom lip, the metallic taste of blood on your tongue. He jumps back wiping the blood from his lip with his thumb and you dismiss the sadness in his eyes for shock.

“You’re disgusting.” You grit out, never meaning the words more and shove past him, slamming the door. 

“I know.”

---

Part 9

Series Masterlist | Playlist

Main Masterlist

[gojos-eyedrops]

Second thoughts: The Fear of The Future and The Fear of Rejection

This pandemic has not been kind to me. Not because my life at home sucks, but because I've had enough free time to put things into perspective, work on my mental health, and make me consider things I had not considered up until now.  

So, this is me putting into words all the troubling thoughts that had been circling inside my head since this whole lockdown began in March. 

Having too much time has helped me see things I didn't 

Things I knew from way back suddenly become relevant again

Getting used to a slow paced life and running all the time

The beginning of my second thoughts

“If I could turn back time before I decided to go into vet school, I'd give it a more thorough thought before choosing”

The flip of a coin and its repercussions

Will this matter in two weeks? Most likely. 

The spiral leading to fear. 

Having too much time helped me see thighs I didn’t.

Normally, the summer break and the Christmas holidays tend to be the right length. It's time enough for me to rest and to mentally prepare for what's to come. And not long enough for me to actually get bored. 

It has been five months now. Time enough for me to run out of things to do, and I’m forced to slow down, and realize there isn’t any rush to do any of the things I have to do. It’s not like things are going somewhere else. Neither am I. Time slowed down. 

Just like everyone else, I got enough time to explore the halls inside my head. The way they stretch and turn, covered in dust, and some of them haven’t seen the light in years. Dusting away the dirt some thoughts and memories have accumulated over the time, I’ve become aware of who I am and where I come from. 

I’ve become aware. I’ve been staring in front of me, walking in a straight line, for so long, I’ve forgotten to look down at the map, or to even notice my surroundings. I've forgotten to see the whole picture up until now.

Things I knew from way back suddenly become relevant again

When I first started vet school, we were told about the misconceptions of what being a veterinarian really is. Being a career focused on medicine and healthcare, you cannot allow yourself to stop reading, to stop learning, to stop asking questions. Otherwise you’re left behind and become obsolete. Science keeps moving forward every day, and you have to constantly keep up with the pace. Always in a rush. Only those hungry for knowledge, always willing to learn will strive. 

“That's fine by me,” I said back then. 

Being such a demanding career, it shouldn’t have come as a surprise the statistics. That same day, we were taught about the suicide rates in veterinarians. One in ten commits suicide. A lot of this comes hand in hand with the fact that student debts are monstrous in the States. Something that, thankfully, isn’t that big of a problem down here. Student loans here aren’t as big. However, it’s still stressing to be a vet tech. 

The statistics didn’t scare me as much back then. Nowadays, those numbers seem more threatening. 

Getting used to a slow paced life and running all the time

Something I learned over the years is that wounds take time to heal. And there’s nothing to speed up that process. You have to clean the wound, and keep proper rest, avoid moving and making physical effort. If you forget to take care of the wound, stop cleaning it, it’ll get worse, hurt more and become infected. Mental health works the same way. You have to take it slow while you’re healing, you have to take care of it every day, and by ignoring it, it’ll only get worse. 

Something I’m thankful for, is the sudden slowing down of life. We were constantly moving, always with something to do, a deadline to meet, places to go. We never really stopped, did we? 

Not even when we are supposed to slow down we really slowed down. “Once we arrive at the hotel, let’s do this, and then this. Then let's go here, and by night lets go to this club” 

However, the pandemic forced us to stay indoors, with nothing to do, nowhere to go, and we’re back at worrying about our most basic needs. When to eat, when to sleep, everything else is extra. The whole world slowed down for the first time in decades, if not, centuries. 

This slowing down has allowed me to work in my mental health like I should have done a long time ago. My mental health has become my priority in the last months, as I’m constantly reading, journaling, meditating. Most of what I do when I don’t go to work is based on what feels best and what keeps my mind at ease.

I work at a vet clinic. I’m not formally working there, but I’m not going to stop and discuss the circumstances, let's just say I work there, as a student, I don't get paid, but I do get to learn first hand experience, something invaluable for someone in my position, since apparently everyone expects you to have plenty of experience by the time you graduate college and start applying for jobs. 

I only go to the vet clinic once a week, sometimes two. Because of the pandemic and safety measures, we try to keep the number of people in there to the minimum, but without being deficient. 

Something I've noticed is the more hands we have at our disposition, the more we’ll keep saturating ourselves and overworking. 

Being a veterinarian is stressful and if you're doing your job right, you're going to be busy the whole time. You see, vet techs don't overwork and saturate themselves because they’re workaholics. The love for animals, and the desire to help as many animals as posible is the reason why we’re always running inside the clinic, from one place to the other, in a rush, never really slowing down. You sacrifice your lunch time to keep working, you stay overtime, leave late, sometimes you don’t even leave and you stay on duty, sometimes you leave but return an hour later because of an emergency, you even put up with owners’ attitude and/or insults and complaints. And even when you finally make it to your house, you arrive home and read about several topics, reading articles, studying, consulting colleagues about your questions and asking for suggestions and opinions. You never truly stop. 

And once you see how it is from the inside, those suicide rates start making sense. 

The beginning of my second thoughts

With a lot of free time at my disposal, I did what everyone else did. I started focusing on my hobbies. I began writing more than before, I began drawing a lot more than before. I even grabbed my old dusty drawing tablet and decided to give digital drawing another chance. 

I can’t even remember how many times I tried to properly learn how to draw digitally. But for whatever reason I always ended up by giving up and staying comfortable in tradicional drawing. You see, drawing on paper and on a tablet are two very different things. Let alone coloring. 

This time, however, I was successful. I bought a new drawing tablet and became good friends with it soon after. 

My creative mind was fascinated. The characters I was constantly creating with lives and thoughts of their own could only be seen by others through my words. However, my new found talent allowed me to project my characters, and allow other people see exactly what I see. 

It was during this time that one of my closest friends asked me about it. He complimented me on my drawing skills, very much to my distorted perception of my own talents. The conversation soon grew deep and enlightening and touching. He asked me what I thought of giving animation a chance. And I'd be lying if I said I hadn’t considered it before. Time flows at an unreasonable fast speed once I begin drawing, and I easily forget about everything else when I’m at it. And since I like to write too, giving animation a chance would only seem right.

“I'm scared” I told him. To which he asked me what was I afraid of. And I answered: “I’m afraid I’ll end up liking animation more than vet medicine”. A series of questions followed after, and so, a door in my mind opened, and I haven’t been able to close it. 

In the end, it turned out I was afraid of disappointment. 

I’m lucky and immensely grateful to be surrounded by people who have faith in me, who constantly cheer me to keep going. Many people expect me to and wish that I come through, following the path I’d laid out for me. Friends, family, even the doctors I work with. Everyone is expecting great things from me. It's so satisfying and encouraging to see, but at the same time, it puts a weight on my shoulders, and makes me set higher standards than I would if I didn’t receive this much support. 

Now, imagine letting all those people down. 

You see, I’ve had a pretty constant life plan laid out before my eyes. Graduate in a year, work for a little while, save money, move to another city and do a postgrad. Afterwards, move yet to another city, and specialize in cardiology. A few dates and places had been considered over these last years, but my ultimate goal has stayed the same: become a cardiologist. The heart is my favourite organ, and it has been since I first learned about its anatomy and physiology in high school. Cardiology is what I want, or what I think I want. Those closest to me know this. And everyone who does, supports my decision and is cheering on me. It’s a great feeling, really. 

“If I could turn back time before I decided to go into vet school, I'd give it a more thorough thought before choosing”

I told that pretty recently to a friend.

Back in high school, one step away from deciding what is it that I want to do, I was torn between studying biology or vet medicine. In the end, I decided to let fate decide for me. Whichever career released their application form first. And we know which one of the two was the first one to do so. 

I don’t regret choosing from a flip of a coin. I’ve enjoyed vet school so much, and I genuinely believe it has been worth every bit of it. I don't regret, in the slightest, getting into Vet School, however, if I could talk to high school me, I’d tell her to give it a more thorough thought before choosing. Now that I’ve seen it from the inside, I can tell it’s not an easy decision to make. 

The flip of a coin and its repercussions

Anyone who knows me can tell how wildly passionate I’m about vet medicine. How I’m always eager to learn, and I’m constantly reading about things. I love sharing these things with other people as well. Clearly, I don’t regret getting into vet school. 

However, how much am I willing to put up with everything that implies being a vet? What it really takes? 

This quarantine, my mental health has become my priority, considering how easy it is for me to trip and fall into a spiral. I have to be constantly taking care of it. So, at what point does prioritizing my mental health meet prioritizing my job? 

In April I talked with a friend about what it was that I really wanted. And I began questioning myself, as well as my dreams. What I thought was my ultimate goal began getting blurry. 

In June, I decided to take a small break from my everyday life, and went to the woods. And as much as I love escaping to the woods for a little while and breathe some fresh air, this time, I didn’t feel like I got any rest at all. As I was haunted by exactly the one thing I was trying to run away from. 

Being in a constant “veterinarian mode” is tiresome. Always thinking of problems, solutions, questions, always being asked about these things, even when you’re not at work and are trying to rest. Even when I had planned to go into the forest to forget about my “vet tech life” for a little while, the vet tech life found me and haunted me. I didn’t get any rest at all. 

At what point this mentality becomes detrimental to my own health? Anyone who’s keeping up with it all has my absolute respect. Anyone in the health care area, not just veterinarians. 

I am starting to question whether I'll be able to keep up with this rhythm for the rest of my life. It's too fast. And now that I've gotten a taste of a slower paced life, I'm not sure I want to go back to the race.

You see, many people no longer see a person when they look at me. They see my profession. And it’s not bad, to some degree I  like it, being called a doctor feels nice. 

But sometimes I wish people forgot about my profession and asked me about what is it that I like, my hobbies, what books I've read. Instead of always asking me stuff about my job and questions they have about pets and animals in general. If I meet someone, we'll be talking of random things, but as soon as I mention I'm a vet tech, the conversation becomes focused on my career. I’m a human being first, you know? 

Will this matter in two weeks? Most likely. 

Whenever I feel like my anxiety is spiraling out of control, I manage to get a hold of it, and of the situation by asking myself: will this matter in two weeks? For the most part, the answer is no. And it's in that moment that I realize how many of the things that overwhelm me are for the most part, momentarily. 

However, this train of thought has been circling inside my head ever since April. Whenever I feel the anxiety closing in around me, and I ask myself if this will matter in two weeks, I answer myself no. Only to be proven wrong. This continues to matter, it has been for the last months. 

And the worst of it all, the more I think about it, the more it scares me, and every time I do, the anxiety drowns me at a faster speed. 

Will this matter in two weeks? Most likely. 

The spiral leading to fear. 

I’ve come such a long way. And there’s still a long way ahead of me. However, I’ve been staring straight in front of me for so long, I’ve forgotten to look at the map or my surroundings. And now that I’ve done so, I realise the beautiful landscape that surrounds me. Countless paths stretching before my eyes, all twisting and taking different turns, and I wish to explore them all. 

However, everyone talks of what I’ll find at the end of the path I chose to walk. This path will continue to get harder and harder, with countless obstacles in the future. But then again, all paths do. How much am I willing to sacrifice? How much weight am I willing to carry on my shoulders? It scares me. 

By this point, I’m scared to ask if I made the right choice. What if I didn’t? Even asking myself that makes my eyes teary and makes a lump grow in my throat. 

I guess you can say the answer is pretty obvious by now. But it is not. 

I’ll put it in simple words: I wish to be a vet tech, but without having to be one 24/7, but that's not how it works. 

It’s easy to take the leap when you’ve got nothing to lose. But the more there is at stake, the bigger the jump. The tower becomes taller, outgrowing your courage. And the more I approach the edge, the more scared I feel. 

I am lost. And I am scared. But I am not scared because I’m lost. I guess being lost isn’t as bad, since, in order to find new places, one must get lost first. I’m scared  because of everything I’ve said before. Despite life slowing down, and despite this year feeling so unbearably slow, many things have changed, so fast. I never thought I’d find myself questioning my future in just the span of a few months. I hadn't thought this much about my future since high school, when I had to choose a university and a career.

I'm still lost though, and out of balance. However, only time and working on myself will help.

I’ve still got a year left of school before graduating, and ultimately deciding what is it what I’m gonna do. And I’m willing to give this last year the benefit of the doubt, since so much has happened in just a few months, who knows what’s gonna happen the following year starting on monday. 

I wish for the following year to be gentle with  me. However, the best lessons come from the roughest times. 

In the meantime, I'll watching life unfold before me, and see how things fall into place. I'll continue to feel scared about the uncertain future hoping for the best.

[krinatheladysnake]

Lady Snake (and the Jedi Killer) Chapter 2

Summary: The galaxy calls her Lady Snake- a quick and merciless killer. Kylo Ren calls her a nuisance.Krina, a Commander and the only other Force user of the First Order, despises what the dark side has become and wishes to return it to its true state of power but what she hates the most is the naive man-child ruling over it.

Chapter 2: Depereo (To Be Utterly Ruined)

Words: 2,147

As Krina climbed into the cockpit of her TIE Fighter and prepared to take off, she couldn’t help but let her mind wander, the last few moments playing out in her head. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t find a single mistake on her part. She was ruthless, agile, exactly the kind of killer the First Order needed in order to be truly successful. The only mistake that stood blatantly in front of her was Kylo Ren, a boy pretending to be a man, and barely attempting to be a leader. Outrage and hatred clouded her thoughts, causing her to miscalculate her speed as she made her way out of the planet’s atmosphere. The TIE Fighter jolted forward and Krina threw her hands out to steady herself against the control panel.

“Kriff,” She muttered, placing shaky hands back on the control stick. She wasn’t the best pilot out there but she knew how to handle herself, and her ship, on most occasions. Once she steadied herself and set her destination for the Steadfast, the flagship shared between General Hux, Kylo Ren, and herself, Krina flipped to auto-pilot and stared out at the vastness in front of her. It wasn’t a long trip back but she needed to coast and let the frustrations fizzle out in hopes that Kylo Ren wouldn’t linger under her skin.

Krina couldn’t remember exactly when she was given her current title, the one that fit her better than the name she was given at birth. She did remember the first time she ever embraced it. Overly confident Resistance fighters tried to interrupt yet another mission but were far from successful. Krina was quick to stop them from causing any true damage. A pilot, one of the best in the pathetic bunch, was no match for her. The poor woman should’ve stayed in the sky. The last thing she saw was Krina’s sinister smile as the Force crushed against her throat like a python slowly constricting around its prey.

Lady Snake is a name reserved only for the most deadly and deceitful individual in the entire galaxy. It could only belong to the most devious of people. To Krina, it was endearing that the name was granted upon her. Her name was so feared that when spoken, even in whispers, it sent shivers down spines.

She only questioned if she was worthy of such when a certain masked, intolerable individual had tried to strip her of her power. He had just given her more, let her have a taste of a potential future full of glory and above all, the true victory of the First Order. Every day, every moment she was in his presence, that victory felt far beyond her reach. Lady Snake was slowly becoming a joke, a trophy full of threats that was held up high above everyone’s head- including Krina’s.

She thought back to the days in which she was promised glory. The days when she kneeled before Snoke, her eyes on the ground in front of her and her heart beating out of her chest. He was always so pleased with how she stuck to her training, no matter how brutal it was. Even as a child, Krina was the most promising apprentice. As she developed into her abilities and truly learned the darkest ways of the Force, Snoke knew she was going to be a valuable asset.

Unfortunate events began to pile up as if the Force was punishing her for years of unspeakable and unforgivable acts. The first of which was the turning of Ben Solo. Something in the Force shifted when the son of Leia Organa and Han Solo fell and Kylo Ren rose from his ashes. Snoke felt it before Krina did. He warned her. She should’ve listened. She fell from the ranks as her counterpart continued to climb, becoming their master’s apparent favorite. Krina continued to train hard, keeping her eyes on what Snoke had planned for her all those years ago, yet she was no match for Kylo Ren- or rather, no match for a bloodline that powerful. Every day felt like another event pushing Krina far from anything her mentor had guaranteed through whispers. There Kylo Ren was, constantly keeping her from surpassing him.

He was weak and afraid. He had no true place on the Dark Side. The darkness in him was not a match for the light that constantly threatened to take hold. For Krina, there was no light. There never had been. Life had never been kind to her. For all that she knew, the light and the love that went with it were just a myth. She wasn’t ever going to be worthy of anything of that sort.

Krina was startled out of her thoughts by a beeping from her control panel, alerting her that she was nearing her destination. She straightened up, turned off autopilot, and let out a breath at the sight of the Steadfast. She landed quickly, watching stormtroopers and mechanics flood the docking bay around her. She climbed out, staring straight ahead of her.

“I want this ship fully cleaned and inspected immediately,” She barked, knowing it was completely fine and already spotless. The crew all responded in unison and got to work as she marched out of the bay.

The sound of her own heart working overtime and beating out of her chest filled her ears and overwhelmed her. She had to get herself to calm down and not create a reputation for herself similar to that of her predecessor. Before she knew it, Krina was standing at the entrance to her training quarters.

As she slowed her breathing, Krina reached down to grab her lightsaber. The cold metal of the hilt sent shivers down her spine. When she ignited it, that same cold was engulfed in heat and instantly melted away. With heat came comfort. Krina let the blade fall to her side as she closed her eyes. Her breathing steadied, allowing her mind to clash with the Force and draw power from it.

Krina felt everything and nothing all at once as her connection with the Force stabilized. As she readied herself, her mind flooded with past thoughts and images, mostly from her recent mission. As much as she tried to ignore those thoughts to focus on her training, her mind would not let her forget the interruption from earlier. The way he sauntered in, blatantly disregarding the fact that she was more than capable by herself. Almost instantly, flashes of all the times Kylo pushed her to the side flooded her mind.

When she opened her eyes again, she was met with a perfect replica of Kylo Ren, standing helmetless with his lightsaber in hand. Krina snarled at the image the Force had presented her with and she lifted her lightsaber, twirling it effortlessly. There wasn’t even a split second of hesitation before she struck, slashing angrily at the image. A loud breath escaped pursed lips, shoulders heaving from the exertion of energy.

“Again,” Snoke commanded, his voice booming in the young adult’s mind. Krina pushed herself up off the ground and grabbed her lightsaber from beside her, wobbling with unbalanced pain.

“Master,” She croaked, wiping blood from her lips with the back of her hand. “I don’t know how much more I can take.”

“It is not about what you can take. It is about the damage you inflict.”

Krina had dealt so much damage: to innocence, to the Resistance, to herself. And none of it truly mattered. Anyone who stood in the way was an enemy. Resentment bubbled in her chest as she stared at the Force vision of the one she deemed her biggest enemy and she slashed at it again. This time, she didn’t let herself catch her breath before she began to circle around it, stepping skillfully on the tips of her toes. Disgust wrote itself into her expression, eyes narrowed and jaw clenched.

“Match his movements. Mimic his connection to the Force.”

Krina sighed, defeat riddled in her stance. She knew this was the furthest from a fair fight. Snoke had challenged her plenty of times before but hadn’t dared try anything like this. She watched her opponent, her eyes tracking even the smallest of movements- a deep breath, a twitch, a fraction of a step. She was waiting for the right moment to make her move, the right moment to strike. The man in front of her began to move slowly. It took a few seconds before Krina registered that he wasn’t coming right at her but rather circling his prey. She gulped, trying to stay focused. This was far from her first fight against someone who made her seem so small.

“Krina,” Snoke beckoned. She ignored him, stepping forward in anger, lightsaber at the ready.

“Listen to your master,” A cocky Kylo Ren instructed, smirking at her.

“If I’m not listening to him, what makes you think I’ll listen to you?” Krina questioned, cocking her head to the side.

“One day you will.”

Sweat began to build on the Commander’s forehead the same way tension did in her muscles. Lady Snake. Venomously lethal and unafraid.

“You said she was a worthy opponent. Does she not understand that I can take anything I want?” Confidence spewed from his words that were aimed at Snoke, ignoring Krina entirely. And just like that- she began to run at him, using both of her hands to grip onto her weapon and give herself more power.

Her rival let out a tisk and effortlessly swiped, keeping still. The blade collided with Krina’s cheek and ripped all the way down to her neck. A loud and painful scream covered the hums of lightsabers and the disappointing words from their master.

Krina snapped, letting out a scream reminiscent of the one from her past as she ran forward, striking the Force projected Kylo Ren. As soon as the blade made contact, the image disappeared, leaving Krina bewildered and alone. She stood, frozen in time, coming to terms with the memory she presented to herself. With a shaky hand, she deactivated her lightsaber, placed it back on her belt, and ran a hand through her hair.

The scar on her cheek burned with echoes of a memory she continually tried to forget. The tremor in her hand became impossible to control as she reached up, letting the tips of her ungloved fingers trace over her unwanted trophy. The roughness irritated calluses and she thought back to the moment she decided it was going to be an ever-present reminder.

Krina tried to ignore the smell of burning flesh from the moment she was injured but it was unbearable, worse than the pain she was enduring. The medical droid worked diligently to treat the wound as Krina’s nostrils burned with the overwhelming smell. Sure, she had her fair share of small scars from her from learning how to wield such a powerful weapon but no one dared to harm her with one of their own. Krina hissed and recoiled as the medical droid placed a bacta patch on her cheek.

“Enough,” She ordered, ripping the bandage off in one motion, ignorantly deciding against treatment. She knew a lightsaber wound was far too much for her body to heal on its own but maybe she deserved to wear such a despicable prize.

“I take it that the mission didn’t go as planned?” A soft voice caused Krina to jump out of her skin. Hux. She should’ve sensed him coming, but at the moment she was too disconnected from the Force and mentally unhinged.

“I will not hesitate to decapitate you,” Krina spoke through gritted teeth, pushing loose strands of hair away from her face. Hux threw his arms up, surrendering.

“You were meant to be at a debriefing immediately following your return. I just wanted to make sure you weren’t lost.”

“Do I look lost?” Krina questioned, throwing her hands up.

“Not physically.”

Krina huffed, crossing her arms over her chest and raising an eyebrow at the General. “You want a debriefing? I wanted to blow off steam and ended up reliving trauma. Even the worst of people have things they don't want to remember. You of all people should know that.”

“I meant a debriefing of the mission,” Hux hummed, trying to keep a smile from creeping onto his lips.

“Oh,” Krina pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed. “Our naive, narrow-minded leader meandered on in and stole my glory right from under me, almost sabotaging the whole kriffing thing due to his uncontrollable weakness for the pathetic Resistance. He made a mockery out of me, yet again.”

“I see. Were you successful?”

“Yes, General,” Krina answered sarcastically.

“Well done. You’re dismissed,” Hux cracked back, stepping on his heels to leave Krina to her own devices. “And Krina?”

“Mhm?”

“Sometimes memories are the worst form of torture.” With that, Hux was gone and once again, Krina was alone.

[lovemesomesurveys]

What is the wallpaper on your computer screen? Why did you choose it? A gorgeous b&w photo from a photoshoot Alexander Skarsgard did. I chose it because it’s him and he’s gorgeous, duh.  Is there a pattern on the pants you’re currently wearing? Which one? Nope, they’re just plain black leggings. Do you like going to baby showers? Do you go only for the cake? I didn’t mind the few I’ve been to. I liked playing the games. Who is the person you text the most in your life? What relation are you? My mom or brother. Mexican food, Chinese food, Italian food, French food or American food? I like some foods from each of those.

Has there ever been a time in your life, you felt sexually undecided? No. Does your mother annoy you when the holidays come along in the year? No. What is the color scheme of your absolute favorite fast-food restaurant? I don’t have a favorite fast food anymore, honestly. I’m not big on it like I used to be. Do you think tattoos and piercings are sexy on the opposite sex? I don’t mind some tattoos or a couple piercings, but I’m not super into them. Do people ever ask you to do things they’re too short to accomplish? No, I’m the short one who needs to ask others for help. Do your siblings bring people around that your parents don’t approve of? No. Is there carpet or hardwood floor in your bedroom? Carpet. Do you check the texture of things first or the smell of them? Depends on what it is. Certain things I might do both. Have you ever broken the arm or head off of a trophy? How did you do this? No. Do you believe in superstitious things such as breaking a mirror? Nah.  Do you get sick of people who call themselves bi polar all the time? I don’t like when people just throw that and OCD around. Ever have an ultra-sound performed on you? What was it for? I’ve had several done in my life. I used to get my kidneys checked once a year. Do you like those ‘end of the world,’ ‘Armageddon’ movies? No. What color are the headphones you have at this moment in time? Black. Ever been choked severely on something during lunch at your school? This is worded weird, but yes actually. It happened in elementary school, but I still remember it quite vividly. I got a chip stuck in my throat. Do you remember who you sat next to in Kindergarten? Who was it? No. Has anyone ever compared you to an animal? Which one(s)? A monkey because of my long arms. Has anyone, including yourself, forgot it was your own birthday? Not anyone close to me, no.  Chocolate or strawberry birthday cake? Choose one. Strawberry, hands down.  Do you eat more vegetables or fruits? What’s your favorite fruit/veggie? Out of the two, veggies because I do eat spinach oftenish. And potatoes. I haven’t had any fruit in quite a long time. :X Do you abbreviate things way too often? Do you get called out on it? No. I only do “lol”, “lmao”, “wtf”, and “wth.” Ever been in one of those church Christmas plays before? Why/why not? No. What is the funniest conjunction you use throughout your day? I don’t think any of them are funny. Have you ever thrown a roll of toilet paper at someone before? No. Does the dentist calm you or does it tend to stress you out? I have never found the dentist to be calming. I get very bad anxiety when it comes to the dentist. It’s a real fear. If you had to choose, which is the worst movie you’ve ever seen? Hmm. I’ve seen a few shitty movies, hard to choose the worst one. Have you ever found yourself talking to an inanimate object? When they’re not working properly haha. Do you like movies that are originally based on children’s books? Sure. Is your hair more thick or thin? Is it more curly or straight? Thin and wavy. I really wish I could get extensions.  Something on the human body that grosses you out the most: Feet. Do you like meeting new people? What’s your most common greeting? I’m not very outgoing or social.  Ever think of what it would be like to be a mermaid or merman? Nah. If you had to choose, which celebrity would you date out of all of them? Alexander Skarsgard. ;) Do people feel sorry for you for no reason? Have they ever? I’m sure I look quite pitiful. What is something that bothers you about most surveys in general? The repetition of questions. Especially ones about marriage and children. Who would you take with you on a stranded/deserted island? Someone who could help get me off. Do you have your own personal boom box in your bedroom? A boom box, wow. No, I don’t. Haven’t had or used one in several years. Would you survive if zombies were to take over the world? Why or why not? Nope. What would you say is the worst part of high school period? The teenage years are a rough, pivotal time. What is your favorite color of apple? Red, green or yellow? I don’t care for apples. Ever want to be a doctor? Is it because of all the hospital shows? Noooo. What do you think of all these reality shows that try to alter personality? I’m not sure what kind you’re talking about. Where are your favorite pair of shoes in the whole world right now? My black Adidas with the white stripes. Do you live anywhere near a mall? Yeah, pretty close. Do you like drawing smiley faces or do you think they’re overrated? If I’m randomly doodling, that’s one of the few things I’ll draw. If you were dying who would you say goodbye to first out of everyone? I’d have my loved near me and talk to them. Are you someone who actually likes to babysit children? No. Do you ever have those ‘ah ha!’ moments? Do those annoy you? Yeah. I don’t think they’re annoying. It’s usually a good thing. Do you hardly ever remember where you put things at? No, I’m good about that. What’s your favorite lunch meat, if you even like any in the first place? Turkey, salami, and bologna.  When is the next time you’ll eat a cupcake, if you know when? I have no idea.  Where did you last buy socks from? What do those socks look like? I forget what the last pair I bought myself was, but I just received a few pairs for Christmas. Do you ever lay in the grass and look up at the sky, just because? Nope. I don’t want to lay or sit on the grass at all. It makes me itchy and there’s bugs. When do you normally go to sleep on the weekends? My sleep schedule is the same regardless of the day. I tend to go to bed around 5AM and wake up around noon. Have you ever met someone with the same ‘biggest fear’ as you? Yes, a few. Do you ever have movie nights with your significant other? I’m single. Would you rather write with a pen or a pencil? Why is this? Pen. Do you like candy bars? Are you trying to slack off of them? Yeah. I haven’t had candy in quite awhile, though. I’m not trying to “slack off of them”, I just haven’t had any.  What is your favorite number? Is it significant with your life? 8. It’s been my favorite since I was a kid. Are you afraid of being kidnapped if you go outside at nighttime? I’d be afraid of being attacked or killed. Has your mother ever called your school because of your grades? No. I always got good grades. In the next twenty minutes, what will you be doing and where will you be? I need to go to bed. It’s after 5AM now. Do you like showers or baths better? Why did you choose your choice? I only take showers. I haven’t taken a bath since I was a kid. Are you a controversial person? Do your views oppose others? No. I keep a lot of my opinions to myself. I mean, yeah I have opposing views. We’re not all going to agree on everything. Have you ever thrown a surprise party for someone? Who for? Nope. What would you say your average word per minute time is on the keyboard? I have no idea. I’m a very fast typer, though.  What is your least favorite class in school? Why is this? It was always math. I was horrible. Do you bite your fingernails or tap them on desks? I always picked at my nails in class. Have you ever wanted to be in a band? What position exactly? No. Who is your role model or hero in life if you have one? My mom. Do you ever call your cousins just to talk to them randomly? No. I used to text with them or Snapchat or something, but not anymore except for here and there. I’m not close with any of my cousins anymore like I used to be. :( Do you find any of your friends’ parents creepy or really mean? I never found any of my friends’ parents creepy or mean. Do you ever have to wash your clothes at someone else’s house? No. When is the next time you’ll go to the library? Why is this? I have no idea. I have no reason to. Do you like fiction or non-fiction books more? What’s your favorite? Non-fiction.  Do you constantly have to be told to shut up? By who? No. I’m not a  chatty person, generally. I do have my chatty moods sometimes where I want to tell myself to shut up, though. ha. Do you know how to play pool? Are you any good at it? Nope. Do you treat others as you’d like to be treated? Have you always? I try to. These past few years I haven’t been the most pleasant to around. I get moody, irritable, snippy, pissy, and short with my family and that’s not at all how I want to be. They don’t deserve it. I know I don’t like when people are that way to me. Were you a really mean kid or a sweet and quiet kid? Sweet and quiet. I was the “pleasure to have in class”! Are you someone who likes to get in arguments or fights a lot? Nooo. I avoid it like the plague. How do you make sure people know you don’t like them at all? I don’t have to make a big spectacle about it if I don’t like someone for whatever reason. I can still be polite and civil if I have to interact with them. Would you say you’re someone who likes to cuss a lot? Nope.  Do you keep secrets from your parents that you don’t keep from your friends? I mean, my parents don’t know everything. I tell them a lot, especially my mom, but I also keep a lot to myself. Not just from them, but from everyone.  What is your father’s best friend’s name? Do you know them personally? Donny. Yes, I know him personally. They’ve been friends all my life. If you had to, where would you get a tattoo at? Why? I’ve always thought my inner wrist, but I don’t know now.  How much was the cell phone you have at this moment in time? However much the iPhone XR is. Would you say you hang out with people the majority of your life? I spend quite a lot of my time alone, but I spend a lot of time with my family as well. What would you do if you woke up randomly with purple hair? Uhh that would be quite shocking. I also dye my hair red, so if I woke up and it was purple one day I’d be pretty concerned. Do you ever look in the mirror and name all of your flaws for no reason? I avoid looking in the mirror as much as possible, and when I do I keep it short. If I spend too long that’s exactly what would happen. All my flaws become magnified and intensified and they’re all I see. Are you getting sick of the reality show Survivor? Why? I never watched it, but I’m surprised it’s still on. Do you usually explain to people why you do the things you do? Not usually, no, but with some things I guess. Or at least try to. I don’t even understand why I do what I do. Ever submit a video to America’s Funniest Home Videos? No. I wanted to as a kid. What color is the closest desk to your body? What all is on it? I don’t have a desk in my room. The most painful medical procedure you’ve ever had? Any of the surgeries I’ve had. Are you someone who likes to eat Poptarts? What’s your favorite flavor? The strawberry frosted and the brown sugar frosted ones. Ever have a dream you’re being abducted by aliens? Was it scary? No. What would you say is the color of your favorite bra? I only like to wear black ones. Do you like people who are loud or people who are quiet? Quiet, generally. I mean, if they get animated and excited about something and get a little loud that’s fine, but not loud in general. That would give me a headache haha. It’s like, “why are you shouting???” Does personality weigh out the sense of ‘good looks?’ What. When is the next time you’ll see someone who is pregnant? I have no idea. Do you hate it when people copy the things you do? No one copies anything I do, nor should they. Where is your favorite piece of electronic equipment? I’m using it right now while sitting on my bed. Where is the person who ‘owns your heart’ at this moment in time? I’m right here. Has anyone ever told you that you’re good at cooking? Ha, no. I’m not a cook. Would you say you’re a fast texter, or are you pretty slow? I’m a very fast typer on a computer, but not as fast on my phone. What is your favorite flavor of Doritos? What do you drink with them? Nacho or Cool Ranch. I’d drink whatever I had at the time, which would likely be a Starbucks Doubleshot and/or water. I haven’t had Doritos or any kind of chip in a long time, though. Do you have any enemies who you think are dangerous? I don’t have any enemies. Do you ever try to squeeze information out of people? Uhh I might from my mom or brother about certain things cause I can be nosey with them lol, but no not generally. Does it freak you out when the police drive by your house? No. Are you someone who tends to take a whole lot of naps? I don’t take a lot of naps even though I’m always tired. Naps make me groggy and more tired, but sometimes sleep just wins and I give in to a nap. What is your favorite nickname you like to be called? Why do you like it? Sis. Do you already have your outfit for tomorrow planned out? No. I don’t plan my outfits unless I’m going certain places or packing for a vacation. What is the color of your favorite pair of pants? What brand are they? I like my numerous pairs of black leggings, ha. Has your favorite song ever been featured on a commercial? Yeah, a few have. Do you ever promise pc4pc on Myspace then never return the favor? Wow, I remember those days. I was good about keeping my end of the deal. What is one song right now that really gets on your nerves? Hmm. I can’t think of one in particular at the moment.  What would you say was the best year of your life? Why? My childhood. Do those annoying infomercials ever draw you in to buy things? I’ve seen things that were of interest, but nah I’ve never ordered anything from an informercial. I’m always skeptical about anything they try to sell. Have you ever been pulled over by the cops for speeding? I don’t drive. I can’t tell you how many speeding jokes I’ve received as someone in a wheelchair throughout my life, though. -____- Is anyone in your family a firefighter? Who is it anyway? Nope.

[moonb-eam]

Hi! I just started reading your fics. You're such an amazing writing. Do you have any writing advice? Also what books/movies/TV shows have influenced your writing?

ahh hello darling!! 🧡🧡🧡 these are such lovely questions thank you so much!! 

okay, so i answered a fanfic ask about writing advice here a little while ago, but i’ll reiterate a few points, and add some new ones!!

i do want to say that these tips are just my opinion, and writing, like any other form of art, is so specific in process to each individual writer that what works for me definitely won’t work for everyone 🧡

(these are going to be very general and conceptual, but if you’d like some more technical “craft” advice then please let me know!!)

1. i’m going to keep repeating this until i die - the most important thing is to write, as basic as that sounds! i know some people who write every single day - i don’t, i find that exhausting - but i do try to write as often as i can, even if it’s something i observe on the bus to work that i write down on my phone, or it’s a single line for an opening of a new story. for me personally, i find it important to keep that part of my brain exercised, which is actually why i started writing fan fiction in the first place - so i could make deadlines for myself and keep writing in the midst of a terribly depressing job search, so i don’t lose that part of myself.

2. now, that being said, there are some days where writing just straight up doesn’t work. i sit down at my laptop and i have no words inside of myself, and it’s so frustrating when that happens, especially when you only have certain times of the day/week/month dedicated to writing. when that happens, i don’t force it. i have a friend in edinburgh who bakes every time he’s frustrated with a story - he says it always helps him to methodically create something and see it come to fruition, so he doesn’t feel so mentally stuck whenever he returns to his story. i have another friend who draws whenever she hits a writing snag. for myself, i like to go for runs whenever that happens  - it helps me clear my head and sometimes, gives me new ideas. writing is something that doesn’t just happen at the computer or the notebook. it’s happening constantly, with the media you consume, the interactions you observe, the new words you learn, the  fragments of ideas that pass through your mind. so yes, the actual writing of the words is critical, but so are all the other parts, and above all, it’s so important to take care of your mental state before anything else.

3. it’s also important to read a lot!!! there is no better inspiration that consuming the work of authors you really love and admire! i pretty well always have a book on me, and in the rare moments that i don’t, you know i’ve got ao3 loaded on my phone

4. rules and conventions exist for a few reasons, and one of those reasons is so they can be broken. so often young writers are told time and time again to find their “voice” or their distinct writing style, and what can happen is they feel pressured into boxing themselves up so early in their career - for example, in my master’s program, i wrote mostly science fiction, and was essentially labelled “science fiction girl” - that’s not necessarily a bad thing, because i love sci-fi, but i felt like i could never step outside of that box, because the people in my workshop would say, “this doesn’t feel like you” - but i didn’t even know who i was as a writer at that point, and honestly i still don’t - writing fan fiction has actually been really good for me to experiment with my prose and see how readers react to it. what i’m saying is, try something new, try whatever interests you, whatever you think may be cool, and if it doesn’t work, then it doesn’t, but don’t let yourself be swayed by what you think people may want to see from you. does that make sense? always remember that you��re writing for yourself before anyone else

5. the “don’t be afraid to write badly” advice is overused, but that’s because it’s important. i have a bad habit of self-editing as a write, which means writing a first draft can take me ages. sometimes, the best thing you can do is try to let go, and just let yourself put the words down without overanalyzing them. i described it in a group chat as “no thoughts, only words” asdfjkdf - when i first started in my workshop in edinburgh, i was terrified to write anything that wasn’t perfect, as though i would be judged for it. but the best thing you can do, is to show unfinished, imperfect work to people you trust. it is inherently embarrassing to share your writing, to let people see the inside of your heart, more or less, but it is the best way to improve - to get feedback, and to take it into consideration for your own work. not all feedback is good feedback, but all of it should be listened to! (conversely, if you’re ever asked for feedback, it’s so important to learn the distinction between being critical and being constructive)

6. this is getting quite long 😬 so i think i’ll do just one more - in the midst of practicing writing, receiving feedback, drafting and editing, i think it’s important to remember that, on a base level, what we do is tell stories, and that’s something that is really special. the act of writing isn’t always fun. editing certainly isn’t always fun, but telling stories is. finding new ways to look at the world is. discovering something new about a character is. what i mean to say is, get excited about your own work. get excited by your own ideas. those moments of excitement, for me, always help to carry me through some of the rougher bits

and now for a bit of inspiration!!

there are a lot of writers whose work i really admire - i would never say i’m as good as them asdfjk but i think they all have influenced me in one way or another

for novelists, i’m really inspired by madeleine miller, erin morgenstern, cherie dimaline, maggie stiefvater, leigh bardugo, ursula leguin, kurt vonnegut, mary shelley, shirley jackson, thomas king and kazuo ishiguro 

then there are some writers who do short stories and more experimental work, who have influenced me more in the last year or so: helen mcclory (i highly recommend everyone check out her work!!), shane jones (specifically the short novel light boxes), leanne shapton, and susannah m. smith (specifically the fairy tale museum)

and poets!! anne carson, richard siken, pablo neruda, amanda lovelace, i know there are more i’m forgetting....damn it

then there are a few illustrators/comic artists whose work really inspires me, such as tom gauld, emily carroll, tove jansson (moomins!!) and again i just know there are more i can’t think of!!! 😫

okay, okay lastly film and tv: i love any work by guillermo del toro, jane campion, alfred hitchcock, hayao miyazaki (so i LOVE your icon!!) and joe wright (except the peter pan film...we don’t talk about that...) i also think phoebe waller-bridge and dan levy are such stellar tv writers and i am very, very jealous of them - and OF COURSE skam, and all its iterations 🧡

(and if you browse through my “fic rec” tag on here, everything on there is from incredibly talented writers!!)

alright this got very long, I'm sorry about that!! but i hope there’s something in here that speaks to you in some way ✨ best of luck to you in your writing, and please drop by my inbox anytime if you’d like to talk more about it!! 😚

[eternaljouska]

Redamancy, Chapter 7 - Lee Jihoon

Pairing: Husband!JihoonxReader

Genre: Angst, the tiniest amount of Fluff

Chapter: one | two | three | four | five | six | SEVEN | eight | nine | end | epilogue |

Word Count: 2.9 K

A/N: I kinda like this one...? Enjoy (?)

Recommended Song: Seventeen - I Don’t Know

--

You have spent the last four days going through every photo album that exists in your house.

Your arm and shoulder are great now, but your head isn’t. And Jihoon knows nothing about any of these. You haven’t had the chance to tell him since he has been going home later and later every night. At first, it was purely out of spite. But when the next day at work Soonyoung had the gut to come at him again, he assumed that you confided in Soonyoung, and he became exceptionally mad.

Only God knows why he’s like that. It’s not like there was a history between you and Soonyoung. It’s just that Soonyoung’s the north to his south. He’s everything someone wanted or wanted to be. Unlike him, Soonyoung’s never been afraid to show his affection and vulnerability, never backed away from confrontation, and he’s never given up on anything he thought worth fighting for.

Which makes Jihoon believes that Soonyoung’s never completely given you up to him. And that after all this time, he’s never stopped loving you.

Jihoon slams his fist on his desk when he repeats Soonyoung comments of disbelief that hinted a soft warning if he doesn’t make you his top priority. The sound of skin and bones hitting the wood shifts in space and becomes the sound of thick photo albums falling from the coffee table on your side. You don’t remember how many times you have gone through that particular album, the one that holds the memory of your wedding day. The two of you are happily captured in most of the frames. There’s a picture where Soonyoung stands on Jihoon’s right, Seungkwan on your left, and Dokyeom and Jeonghan kneeling in front of you, from the mics on their hands you figure they were the emcees. Another where all Seventeen members gather around you and acting as guards. And there’s one of Jihoon standing, looking expectantly at the aisle for your entrance, under the wedding arch.  It’s made from baby’s breath and its center point’s characterized by a lily of the valley wreath sticking to a big tree behind it.

You have stared at that picture for too long that your mind wandered to that morning when you woke up. For you, the world was clouded under your medication, but the light in Jihoon’s eyes, it was all too lucid. It was very much like the one you saw on that picture, full of nervous energy and more importantly, hope. But for you, hope has become such a frail thing. It keeps on thinning to nonexistent every time you reach the end page of the album.

You grab for your hair as you let out a growl that fades into a whimper. No picture in your house is able to ignite the memory hidden somewhere in your head. And looking through frozen moments that you don’t remember existing feels like a punishment. It only makes you feel like you are barred away from the world and that the universe is conspiring against you. So you scream. Then you remember the phone calls from your kids these last two days. And it occurs to you that there’s a possibility that you won’t ever remember them again or their value in your life. And you don’t know what’s going to happen then. And you scream. Again and again, until your throat itches and your scream comes out as a cough.

After one long hour of staring at the rings that tie the two of you together, one simple band with a diamond in the middle and another adorning diamonds all around it, and wondering what Jihoon had in mind when he put them back on your limp finger, the melancholy evaporates, settling the remaining desperation left from your scream. And therefore, returns your ability to think and conclude that being locked inside won’t do you any good. So you take your phone from atop the coffee table to call Soonyoung and then pause for a millisecond to smile, realizing that he’s wrong. He’s not an alternative. This time, it is actually him that you want to reach for. Not Seungkwan, nor Jihoon.

“Hello? Y/n? Everything’s okay?” Soonyoung’s worry is expressed perfectly by his questions, and somehow this draws out a laugh out of you. “Y/n? Hey, why’re you laughing?”

“Nothing. It’s just amusing how you constantly think that something’s happening to me.”

“Well, I’m just... Worry shows that you care, you know?”

“Right, right. Let’s go to Han River again,” you say, going straight to the point.

“Huh? Another flashback?”

“No. More like trying to get another one or two. So, what do you say?”

There is a short pause on Soonyoung’s end before he sighs. “I’m so sorry, Y/n. I need to perfect a choreo before I show it to the lil’ boys. They’ll be having a mini concert soon, and there’s this remix version that”—he lets out another sigh—“I really want to help you. But I’m sorry. Really.”

“Ah.”

Soonyoung notices that the excitement has gone from your voice, so he asks, “Can’t Jihoon go with you? I can go to his studio now and—“

“Soonyoung, no.” Your voice is stern when you cut him, knowing well enough what’s that going to cost you.

“Oh, shit. I’m sorry. I mean Seungkwan. Seungkwan, yeah. Can’t he go?”

“I don’t know,” you mumble.

“Wh- How? You… Wait, you haven’t called him?”

“No, Soonyoung. I wanted to go with you.”

“Oh? Shit. God! I’m- I’m so sorry. I complained about being an alternative, but now when you call me first, I… I can’t come. I’m so, so sorry, Y/n. Wait a sec, I’ll call the manager. Maybe—“

“Soonie, it’s okay. You don’t have to.”

“Y/n… Once again, I’m sorry. Call and ask Seungkwan, okay? If he can’t go, let me know.”

You didn’t call Seungkwan. You called a taxi instead. That was how you ended up sitting in front of the Big Tree alone at eight in the evening, holding a posy of white lily of the valley that you bought from a nearby florist.

It’s not completely white, the flower. You notice the tinge of pink that grows warmer by the minute, and as the heat reaches your cheek, you learn that already, the sun is burning low on the horizon. The picture of Jihoon and the dusk on his cheek are painted anew on your brain, and a sad smile tugs on your lips. You are tired. One second you are the sun, alive, high on the sky, and the next you are the moon, dead and cold without your sole source of life.

You raise your right hand to the front of your face, and as light bounces from the diamonds on your rings, you sigh. You had come with the determination to remember, but now you’re charged with the powerful urge to forget. You are a different person for Jihoon. You are not the person he expected to wake up in the lieu of his wife. You are just an invalid. Just someone who’s stuck in the past. In the memory of a different Jihoon.

As Jihoon bursts through your thought, flowers clutched a little too hard in his hand, you throw away the replica that’s in yours.

“You don’t like it?” Jihoon picks up at the end of your memory clip, and you want nothing but for him to shut up.

“I know that this is nothing like the hill that you found, um, your Magic Shop, you called it?” He peeks at you then continues after your confirmation, “It’s… There’s a lot of crowds since we’re in the Han River area. I’m sorry. I should’ve looked for something better.”

“It’s okay, Ji. This is more than enough. I don’t think I would need something like this anymore. I’ve promised that I won’t run again, haven’t I?”

Jihoon nods and throws his head back as he sighs. “I’m sorry that you have to lose your place. They shouldn’t have exposed it like that.”

“It’s okay. The hill isn’t mine by law or anything. Besides, it happened a long time ago.”

“I’m sorry that I just show you this now. It’s just… I have to leave for about two years, and I don’t want you to think that you have nowhere to go.” He raises his gaze to meet yours, and it’s a moment too late for him to realize what implication he has made. “No! I mean… N-not that I’m saying I’ve replaced y-your Magic Shop or something. And! Don’t- Don’t get me wrong, I want to, I-“

“Jihoon, shut up,” you cut him with a faux glare before you break into a grin. And when your mirth transforms into something more serene, you whisper to him, “You have been, and you still are.”

But you’re not anymore, you add to the still image of smiling Jihoon.

Your legs suddenly feel weak, and you’re struggling to get up. When you do, you start to walk slowly but purposefully to the only place you know you can go to forget all of your problems, including Jihoon.

Even though running is what your heart set to, this is the only thing you’re capable of doing on your current state. You move your feet forward one step at a time until you see the familiar solar-powered ground lamps forming a walkway that leads you to a garden. One that in spite of its minimum size, you insist on calling majestic. There are meters of yellow lights that you see people use for Christmas weaved around the crown of a big tree to its trunk and crept on the circumference of the ground. They’re beautiful. And you almost laugh at their futile effort to replace the role of the early morning sun. You walk closer to the white and yellow camellia, the reason for planting them rings loudly in your head. Waiting and longing, that’s what each of them symbolizes.

It surprises you that someone takes care of your—this—garden after you left. You stumbled upon this place after you strayed too far away from home. Walking to the direction of the dying sun, something you used to do whenever life or people hit you a tad bit harder than you could take. When you had found this place, it’s just a small hill hiding from the ruckus of a regular city. There’s one big tree near the middle of it—your Big Tree—and bushes and short grass covering random spots on its surface. You had left a small box of instant food and a hammock tied onto the tree’s strongest branch one day on your visit. It was one of your roughest weeks, and you had thought that the Hill would be your last destination if nothing else had worked. But when you returned three days later, and you found your supplies to be intact, you’re sure that no one frequented the Hill as you did. That’s how you claimed the place as your Magic Shop, a place that’s very much alike your Haven.

You started bringing things that would help you for when you took refuge on the Hill. You planted flowers and lamps, and you buried a trunk with books, blankets, and miscellaneous stuff. It became your second home—or your home, per se, as your apartment never really felt like one.

You walk forward near the edge of the hill, looking at the peonies, buttercups, and anemone hepaticas you planted for their beauty. Hanakotoba. If only there’s something for your sense of incompleteness or your tendency to run. That flower then would easily pass as your reincarnation. Now that you think about it, maybe there is something. Maybe you just don’t know what. The way you don’t know whether you’re always running from something or towards something.

The sight of anemone hepaticas in between the rosy peonies and yellow buttercups reminds you of your former obsession with forget-me-not. Both flowers are somewhat similar in color, that’s why with the minimum light from your artificial sun, you have trouble in your search of the latter. As your eyes float around flowers, your head registers the meaning of the blue-purple flowers. It is true love. Or memories. And you’re suddenly enraged by this. You feel mocked to the point where you jump to your knees to inspect each flower in detail, just to find one forget-me-not. You reproach yourself in your head for how stupid you are. Both flowers are distinct. How you cannot point it out is so beyond you. You are talking about your favorite flower here—at least back when you only see lily of the valley for the beauty that it is.

Lily of the valley, you mouth as you fall into a sitting position, your gaze is no longer combing through the shrubs and flowers. It was until lily of the valley. It was until Jihoon.

Forget-me-not, true love. Memories. White camellia, waiting. Yellow camellia, longing. Primrose, desperation. Lily of the valley, the promise of happiness.

Your head spins as you recall every flower and its meaning, creating a new set of loop for your brain to play.

Memories. Waiting. Desperation. True love. Longing. Promise of happiness. Longing. True love. Waiting. Memories. Desperation. Promise of happiness. Promise of happiness, promise of happiness, promise of happiness, the word resonating in your ears, followed by the dusk on Jihoon’s cheek on your vision.

The first sob that escapes you sounds a lot more like a whimper, your hand finds its way to your chest, clutching it hard as you close your eyes.

“Y/n.”

Your eyes are open in a snap, and you turn your body around, facing the sturdy trunk of a tree you once called a house.

“I have written my vows and revised it until I fell asleep on my desk in the studio. I thought it would be the same as songwriting, but it’s not, Y/n. I found that it’s hard to find the right word, and I don’t know whose idea it was to think that abandoning that vows scratch is a smart move.” You can’t help but chuckle along with the audience at the small snicker that comes out of Soonyoung who is standing next to Jihoon, signaling that it’s indeed his idea. You pull your lower lip between your teeth and tighten your hold on Jihoon’s hands as you focus your attention back to his words.

“But as I stand here in front of you, I am back at Pledis’ lobby, just walking with tears in my eyes like a lost child. I didn’t bump into you, Y/n. I was looking for you. And you, without any words, dropped those lunch packages for us and brought me to your arms. When I let go and apologized, you said to me, ‘Don’t. Cry.’ And I was so confused, but you’re not finished. ‘You have a lot of tears, Jihoon. Cry all of them out. Come to me and cry. And let me wipe them clean. That way I know you’ll be okay.’

“And I cried some more in your embrace. I cried because I couldn’t see myself standing beside you, couldn’t see you standing beside me for as long as I want.” You shake your head a few times at this, tears already starting to fall down your cheeks. ”I want all of you, Y/n, the broken and intact pieces of you. I want you to make good of those words you said to me, and I want you to allow me to abide by my promise to you.”

You nod frantically. He’s taken too long with his vows, and you just want to dive into his arm and close your lips around him to shut him up. But then you and the audience laugh, for Jihoon continuous, “Don’t agree just yet, I am asking your whole lifetime, Y/n. I can’t accept months, years, or anything but that.” He pauses, and you think he’s done but no. He clears his throat once before he inhales. “Y/n, I love you. I can be a total doofus sometimes, like saying that you can’t agree just yet. Please, don’t heed that. You can’t not agree. Because I love you. And I need you. And I need to stop talking because I’m embarrassing myself. But that’s okay. Because I love you. And I’ll always do.”

The sound that forces its way out of your throat is full of dire. It is so raw that your body shudders. Your cry of anguish is amplified in the otherwise silent night. You grab for your hair and pull at it, face wet from your tears and mouth moving restlessly to mold your hurt into words and the air into oxygen. But all of these halts abruptly when your hair is caught on the diamond of your engagement ring. Your attention shifts to the ring on top of it, your wedding band.

A word that resembles nothing of its consisting alphabets shrieks out of your body as you take out those two rings from your finger and throw it away as you did your posy, the action killing the last fire within you. And you collapse in a whimper.

Liar.

You gather your feeble limbs to your chest and let your head fall on your knees, back to crying in silent, as you usually do.

When the wind becomes harsher to your skin you reach for your phone in your pocket. Your voice is frail and defeated when you start, “Seungkwan…”

--

Tag list: @thatfangurltho

A/N: I didn’t go through a detailed research of whether the mentioned flowers could actually grow in the place that I used or not, so...

[ifihadneverpickedthepenup]

Down this road again...

Did I really forget how to swim?

Is the ice we skate on really this thin?

I thought maybe I would not go through this with him.

I thought all the love given would be enough to be forgiven.

So why do I live in this fear, in this cage?

Where do I find an outlet for my sadness and rage?

I am afraid.

And I am sorry, but to me, you have it made.

I know you’ll never see it this way.

So I’ll try to silence these thoughts day by day.

Where is the graciousness, gratitude, or simple recognition?

That in this life you can create a beautiful vision,

Which can easily come to fruition,

If you simply make the decision,

Find yourself internally driven,

And come to terms with all that you have been given.

Whether it wisdom, financial stability, health care, or just a real support system.

And I know that things were broken for you too.

I understand that I will never understand what you have been through.

But if you can’t wake up and see,

Your life is something so many envy.

Maybe you can’t be the one for me-

And before you chime in with you “if that’s how you feel I will let you be”-

It’s not because I want to be free,

But rather that you won’t fight for me.

It is that you will never understand how broken this life has made me.

People: friends, family, and lovers constantly betray me

Always praying someone is going to save me.

I’m experiencing mental and physical despair.

I know you probably barely care.

I can see it now, our conversation, your distant stare.

But it really isn’t fair.

You left me to rot,

I don’t care if you see or not.

I spend hours now daily staring at the clock.

When you don’t call I wonder if you forgot, didn’t care, or were too distracted by some other girl in there.

But I mustn’t say that, I wouldn’t dare. Why would I risk being called a jealous, crazy bitch?

Because I drive myself crazy.

Because I love you.

Because I care.

Oh and to find true love can be so rare.

And I know we could have it, I swear.

But not until you see past the pain in my heart that I so nonchalantly wear.

Babe, I beg you would just understand all the pain that I’ve felt,

And my desperate need to escape.

Or recognition that this might be my fate.

Maybe it’ll never get better than the first date.

But all you see is my inability to wait.

I’m just acknowledging the truth, that it may be too late.

Maybe I’m not meant to have a mate.

Maybe heaven filled up early and they had to close the gate.

My own flesh and blood was the first man to ever give me a drug.

He made me believe ecstasy was the same thing as a fathers love or a warm hug.

But he hid the badness, he swept the darkness under the rug.

But all those dark and evil prices crept up when I found myself in love.

When I try to find understanding my mind draws blanks.

I’m not trying to turn this into a competition, some kind of sick race.

I just want you to see where in the world I was placed.

It’s like the joint your friends pass you without warning you it was laced.

As soon as I could taste it was far too late,

Pushed towards hell and told it will all be well.

It’s my fate, something I have to face.

Forget that bullshit,

That’s all fake.

Life just didn’t want me to be great.

Doomed to be an addict,

Doomed to be a whore,

And absolutely nothing more.

I have no God to open windows,

Only the devil closing doors.

Knowing good and damn well I can not compete with most girls.

We live in different worlds.

You go to your parents as an escape,

For me it’s always a mistake.

Your family tells you to drive straight,

Mine would probably let me drive into a lake.

My father would definitely let me get date raped.

I know you think I’m exaggerating,

But moments ago we were smoking heroin together, let that sink in.

You don’t really know him.

There are some really dark things about him.

Things I hope will die with my generation.

Narcissism is the only word he wants to live in.

But he always wants to drag me down with him,

Knowing he has constantly failed his children.

Although it may be impossible to fully protect them,

Seems pretty basic moral integrity to look out for ones own kin.

If you think it’s just “tough love” that I was given, I would really like to share a portion,

Seriously I would have preferred my mom have an abortion.

Even that description can not begin to scratch the surface of the shitstorm that I live in.

And just like that my happiness was stolen.

I understand you’ll never know what it’s like to be a weed in the trash, while simultaneously being told your a flower with limitless potiental to grow.

Yet every bit of growth seems to stagnant, so slow.

I wish my past was like a map you could unroll.

I could take you where I’ve been, you could show me where to go.

But for now your advice is insulting because you’ve neglected to take the time to really get to know me.

Who am I? Do you have any clue?

What it is like to be anyone but you.

And don’t think for a second I haven’t tried to put myself in your shoes too.

I constantly try to understand because I do love you.

But I don’t think my whole past is even a story you could sit through.

I know just hearing some of my pain utterly disgust you.

Shit it does me too.

I use dark and sick humor to mask my mistakes.

Sometimes I believe my own bullshit and become a heartless bitch.

I turn off that switch.

But that should not invalidate my feelings you dick!

Great, now I sound like a prick.

Why can’t you just understand this shit?

Oh how I wish.

Don’t get me wrong, I get it, things had to be fixed.

But I am sick and tired of you saying it had to happen like this.

You left so quick that I could not pull myself together to get a goodbye kiss.

Now I do not know if I will ever get it.

You lied over and over,

Making me feel like I constantly had to look over my shoulder.

You stole from me repeatedly, so why should I believe you didn’t just use me?

You say I’m jealous?

What do you expect when our relationship is sexless?

You have often called me by the name of another bitch.

Do you even comprehend that shit?

You told me another woman’s sex was better than mine, but it’s “okay” because you were “out of your mind...”

But sure, “you’re in love with me”.

I’m not blind.

What you’re doing is not kind.

You probably are not in love with me and that is fine,

But do not let me do this time after time.

Trying so desperately to have you really love me.

Or make you want to be mine.

I’ve never been someone to be proud to have.

But for me, I want you to be my baby’s dad.

I want you to be my husband,

And I want you to be glad.

But again I know it’s something I will never have.

So I am sorry that I am sad.

Why am I so disgusting and broken?

Why is my pussy so scary to cum in?

You say you want a future, but you’ll never want my children.

Can you even picture a house that we are both happy to live in?

No really, think about that again.

This isn’t meant to be a sweet little hym.

This is the life I’ve created or been given.

I don’t know how to live in the system.

I’ll probably end up in another toxic relationship or abused by men since you think I’ll deserve it because I “hit” them.

Shit I’ll probably end up dead in the streets.

Hell maybe it’ll happen before you get out in the next couple of weeks.

So while I know I sit here and endlessly weap.

I shall consent to defeat.

Your family gave you an ultimatum.

Which ultimately made you choose them.

To me it’s sick we were put in a situation to make that decision.

And I get it, it’s cool, if I had your family I would probably choose them too.

And when you say “just don’t worry” or “don’t mind them,”

I wish you’d take a step back and look again.

Realize you will always choose them again and again.

To you, I am not family.

I’m barely even “your baby”

You’ve already shown your sister all of my crazy.

They already hate me (if they even waste the energy on me).

I’m trying so hard to explain don’t you see?

I don’t know how I will handle you going to leave me.

But I see for you it was pretty easy.

There wasn’t even a question of you staying with me.

The threat from your family was enough for you to leave oh so quickly.

And yet you do not even see that your family deceived you and me.

I wanted to be your family but now I see, that was extremely silly.

You probably won’t even spend another night with me.

So when I rant and bitch and try to explain my life it is simply because I never had it that nice.

You will probably find me dead before you ever understand what is going through my head every night before I go to bed.

My circle of support is so small and fake, I am not going to get better at all at this rate.

But yet when you ask if you should stop calling, I don’t know how to say yes, it would probably rip out my chest.

But if I had to guess, it won’t be long until no love is left.

The things she said honestly destroyed me and every time I read it, it makes me want to die,

I may as well be out of my mind, out of sight.

Just so she can be right and I can be the “bad guy”.

But I am realizing as I write this that it will all be okay, maybe even better this way.

I bet you don’t even know what to say, just like every time, everyday.

But your giant heart always makes my world fall apart.

Even at your darkest I see your spark.

Even with this time apart.

And you are so fucking smart.

The intelligence of 100 men, the strength of a lion.

A beautiful mane, looks that drive me insane.

The gentle grace, which will have me follow you any place.

You can do anything you set your mind to and I really hope that you’ll find the courage to take the time to.

You gave me some of the best memories of my life.

You are so sweet, too damn nice.

Though I know I will dream of you every night,

I recognize I am toxic and will respectfully remove myself from your life.

And maybe in moments when I’m high, I can hang on to your beautiful light and momentarily forget about my life.

I am sorry I held you back,

I am sorry I took your friends,

I am sorry I took your happiness,

I am sorry I made you loose yourself.

I really hope you hang onto your health.

I love you forever and you will always make my heart melt.

~ifihadneverpickedthepenup