#cw: suicide via system

[i-will-cry-you-a-river]

It would be better.

Better for him. Better for Luo Binghe. Better for everybody.

Shen Yuan was sure of that. After all, anything would be better than being a human stick. He didn't want to experience the original good's fate.

He also didn't want to throw his beloved white lotus, his sweet discipline into the Endless Abyss.

Why wouldn't he then...?

[Unusual behavior detected. Please note that attempts to deviate from Luo Binghe entering the Abyss will cause a deduction of 10000 B-points and immediate termination of your account.]

Anything would be better than being tortured by the blackened protagonist. Anything, huh...

Why not then...?

It's not like anybody would mourn the scum villain.

System sure would agree that taking the scum villain out of the way, the story would improve.

[User? System does not understand. Unusual behavior detected.]

His sweet and sticky white lotus wouldn't have to go through years of suffering. He wouldn't be betrayed by his Shizun. He wouldn't get that awful sword that only fed his resentment and anger. He wouldn't have to fuck countless wives who doesn't even love him. Maybe he could find somebody who loved him for himself, who would be good for him. Fitting to a sweeter Emperor.

[System notice: Endless Abyss closes in 10... 9...]

“Shizun, this lowly disciple is sorry," Luo Binghe said tearfully, trying to cover his demon mark, however fruitless that endeavour was.

Shen Yuan smiled at his innocent little protagonist, and let himself pet that soft hair one last time. Soft, so soft and fluffy. Ah, the protagonist was the cutest white lotus ever.

How could anybody push him into the Endless Abyss?! He just wanted to be accepted! He was just a sweet little bun. Innocent. Lovely.

“Binghe, ah, Binghe. How could you apologize for being born this way? This Shizun is not angry at his silly discipline."

The blaring red numbers on the blue screen ruthlessly showed that the end was near. That was okay. Luo Binghe would be free soon.

He had no need of this scum villain.

"Be a good boy, Binghe," he smiled.

Luo Binghe was crying. That wasn't right. Shen Yuan did not like that; one last hug was allowed, wasn't it?

"Wh- Shizun?" Luo Binghe froze, but didn't try to move away, and that was telling. Ah, his sweet discipline, so touch-starved. Shen Yuan hoped he would find himself a wife who could fulfill all his emotional needs, and not just his physical ones. "This lowly..."

[6... 5...]

The System continued counting down.

"No. No, Binghe, you are not lowly. You are so hardworking, so strong and smart! Shizun is proud of you. My sweet lotus..."

His arms squeezed the protagonist.

It was the best choice. Luo Binghe was too sweet, he deserves to live his life happy. He didn't need the scum villain to screw up his life even more than he did.

"Be good, my sweet white lotus. Be happy. This Shizun loves you."

[2... 1. Quest failure! Punishment for failing quest is the deduction of 10000 B-points. User termination is in progress.]

Shen Yuan was ready. His body was already dead; there was no suffering waiting for him. His conscience was clear - he did everything in his power to give his lovely discipline the best life he could offer.

He was ready to accept his fate.

[User termination is complete. Thank you for your patronage.]

[aria-ashryver]

Meet my OC - Viktor Ivanov

Name: Viktor Ivanov Book: Immortal Desires Orientation: Bisexual Pronouns: He/him Birthday: 12th October 1997 Sign: Libra Born: Dunedin, New Zealand Raised: Sydney, Australia, and Inverness, Scotland (with some short stints in both NZ and Croatia) Heritage: Croat

More under the cut! 🖤✨

Family

Henrik Ivanov (younger brother) Mother (name tbd) Father (name tbd)

Viktor’s closest family member is his younger brother Henrik (Henri, as a diminutive), who is eight. Henri attends boarding school, so they do not see each other much, but Henri idolises his big brother and Viktor would do anything to keep Henri from being hurt. He believes his parents treat Henri as the “do-over” child, and that they think Viktor “lacks ambition” and “refuses to take anything seriously”. There is a lot of pressure on Henri to perform well academically and to follow in his father’s footsteps, career-wise.

Viktor’s father’s career remains something of a mystery to him — he knows it is a somewhat high-ranking governmental position that requires him to travel a lot, so his father is only home for short stints every few months. When he was around 12 or 13, Viktor decided he would ask his dad outright what his job actually was the next time he showed an interest in one of Viktor’s hobbies or interests.

To this day, Viktor has no idea what his father does for a living.

His mother is a stay-at-home housewife. She is the family member Viktor sees the most often, and also the one he has the worst relationship with.

Skills / Hobbies

Sketching, painting, singing — frontman and founder of grunge/rock band Your Bisexual Awakening. Also plays bass

YBA cycles through names often, all of which have a story attached. They choose a new name via the following system: if a band member says something stupid or memorable in conversation, and two or more members simultaneously say "band name", they must change it to whatever was just said. I.e.

Cal: seriously, guys? again? Ava: my bad. Angel's refractory period is more like a Refractory Comma Angel, Viktor, and Luca, simultaneously: band name Ava: aw, fuck.

Random Trivia

Moved a lot as a child — growing up jumping between Scotland, Australia, New Zealand, and Croatia has left Viktor with the weirdest accent. Its mostly Scottish... ish? Kinda?

Enjoys anime — once described watching Tokyo Ghoul as the purest spiritual experience of his life (and then sulked inconsolably for a week when he found out the final season was copaganda)

Scared of dogs (was bitten when he was younger)

Loves having his photo taken, but also can’t look at photos of himself sometimes, because they often bring on depersonalisation episodes

Huge collection of slogan t-shirts he crops and alters himself.

Can do overtone / polyphonic singing (but not well)

When he shared a dorm room with Luca at Avalon, for a while his alarm was this Marc Rebillet song (until Luca threatened to beat him to death with a pair of socks unless he changed it)

Has a crush on Kylo Ren

Is deeply ashamed of his crush on Kylo Ren

Favourite movie is Sucker Punch (will rant AT LENGTH about how people completely miss the feminist read)

His fashion sense is varied and questionable. One day he’ll be in gritty, black techwear, the next he’s full flower-boy poet. Then he’ll be Grandma-chic, and the next day he might be wearing a three-piece suit patterned exclusively with cobs of corn.

He does really love garments that drape and flow, though, and is a bit of a sucker for glitter and fun textures. No matter how loud, he somehow manages to always wear the outfits, and not have them wear him.

Viktor’s goals are informed by an odd mix of wanting a sense of agency and independence, while also just wanting to be taken care of and not have to think

Pathetic Babygirl of All Time

Personal Life

cw!! for talk around mental illness, suicide, and substance abuse

Viktor’s childhood was extremely difficult in that his mother simply does not believe that mental illnesses and neurologic disorders are legitimate conditions, and denies that Viktor’s many conditions are real. She believes he is making everything up for attention. Viktor has had this rhetoric drilled into him since childhood — there is nothing wrong with him, he’s just weak, lazy, a failure, a troubled child.

As such, he has never been diagnosed with anything on record.

He is quite mistrustful of authority figures as a result of his upbringing.

The first real, healthy parental influence in his life was Terri O’Rinn. She was the one to refer Viktor to a specialist doctor — she called in a favour from a friend/colleague, who was able to confirm Viktor’s diagnosis of mild to moderate Tourette Syndrome. This diagnosis remains strictly off-record. He primarily has motor tics, but he does have some verbal ones too — many of his tics are indistinguishable from the way he carries himself and his usual, somewhat eccentric mannerisms of speaking and moving.

Viktor also suffers from depression and generalised anxiety disorder. Luca has “diagnosed” him with “ADHD by peer review.” Viktor also deals with frequent bouts of passive suicidal ideation. Luca has had to talk him down on two separate occasions when he has threatened attempts. He has attempted once, on his own, and has never told anyone about it. Viktor loves Luca like a brother, as they do him, and their bond is fundamentally unshakeable.

Viktor fell into performing initially as a means to cope with his Tourettes — music helps to help him feel in control of his symptoms, so he can often be found singing, humming, or whistling to himself as he goes about his business. Alcohol and weed incidentally dial back his premonitory urges as well, allowing him to more easily suppress his tics, so there have been patterns of substance abuse throughout Viktor’s life when he’s been in a bad place mentally.

In classes at school, he was something of the class clown — Viktor quickly realised he liked dictating the kind of attention that was on him (and that he actually really loves attention when its the kind he has sought out himself). So rather than people staring at him because of his tics, he’d rather enrapture them on purpose with beautiful and hypnotic performances. Leaning into his role as the band’s vocalist and frontman did wonders for his self-confidence and overall quality of life.

Also — he’s just really, really, good at singing 🖤🖤🖤

You can find out more about Viktor via my masterlist, or read about him in my longfic, snow in crimson, starlight in gold on AO3! 🖤(direct link, fic is rated Explicit)

tagging: @choicesficwriterscreations

[raelynnteam]

Trans woman prisoner no longer on hunger strike

Update 9/21/23: Jaina has been moved back to her old cell, with her friends. Thank you all who helped! The nature of this blog will change to allow for Jaina, Ashley, and Pharaoh to share their writing, but this post will remained tagged for a while longer.

Update 6/17/23: Jaina was moved to the unit with Ashley and Pharaoh. I understand that she has been eating. She's still not in the same pod as her people, which limits how much contact she can have with them, but we're considering this a win for now.

Thank you again to everyone who called! We still may have work ahead of us as we try to get Jaina moved back to her pod. Whatever happens, Jaina would like to continue sharing her experiences here, so there will continue to be updates.

Update as of 6/16/23 4pm PST:

I just got word that the superintendent has promised to move Jaina back to her unit if she starts eating. It's just a verbal promise, so we're cautiously optimistic, but we're about to head into a long weekend and if Jaina doesn't eat, she will probably get moved to a special offenders unit where she won't have any communication with anyone.

When I got off the call with Jaina, she was ready to start eating again.

While she's being moved to the same unit, it's not in the same "pod" as Ashley and Pharaoh. They'll be able to see each other in yard and (i think) the dayroom, though. After the investigation is officially over, then she will hopefully be moved to Ashley and Pharoah's pod.

This blog will continue to be here and update as things go. We may need help in the future. For now, if you can, please send Jaina a message or post card or letter.

Jaina would appreciate messages from folks! You can write her online, or via snail mail.

To connect online, use https://securustech.net/ and search for her DOC # 409738

To write her, address letters to:

Jaina Raelynn #409738, 191 Constantine Way, Aberdeen, WA 98520

A timeline of events.

[archived] Call to get her safely back to her support system!

Please read and be ready to call! 

CW: suicide mention

Jaina Raelynn is a trans woman incarcerated at Stafford Creek Correctional Center in Washington state.  She has consistently experienced harassment from both staff and other inmates during her time there.  She depends on a support system of other trans, GNC, and ally inmates at the prison to keep her safe and sane.

Recently, an anonymous complaint was made against her and her closest friend in prison. While the complaint was investigated, she was moved to a unit where she was not able to depend on her support system.  For days, she was afraid to leave her cell, too anxious to eat, and only holding on because she knew the complaint was false and she had been told she would be moved back to her original unit when the investigation was done.

On Friday 6/9, Jaina was told to pack up her things because she was being moved, despite being told that the investigation had concluded, and the complaint was unfounded.  Feeling hopeless, she attempted to commit suicide immediately after.

Jaina is in stable condition but has begun a hunger strike and will continue until she is moved back to her unit.  Just any unit will not provide her with the safety she needs. Please understand that a hunger strike is very serious. She is at risk of permanent damage to her kidneys, and before long, they will force a feeding tube down her throat, which is torturous.

On Wednesday 6/14,Jaina asked that people call the prison on her behalf and ask for her to be moved back to her original unit.   

Call (360) 537-1800

Superintendent Jason Bennett: dial option 3 then 6

Associate superintendent Karen Arnold dial option 3 then 5 then 1

The voicemail messages have the wrong name, but you are dialing the correct people.  

You can say,

"Hello, my name is [name] and I am a community member who is concerned for the health and safety of Jaina Raelynn, doc # 409738.  I am aware that she is on a hunger strike and won't eat again until she knows she is moved to where she feels safe.  She needs to be moved to the same pod, with access to the same dayroom, as Ashley Raelynn (896177) and Pharaoh Grayson (807868). I do not believe she will be safe anywhere else."

Bennet and Arnold will try to tell you that they have moved Jaina for her safety, but Jaina is not safe, she is at risk of serious medical complications from the hunger strike.  They will say they treat all prisoners this way when a complaint is made against them (we have heard from other prisoners that this is not true).  They may lie and say that Jaina is not on hunger strike.  You don't need to try to argue with them. Chances are, they won't answer at all and you can leave a voicemail.

Use the hashtag #helpjaina to share when you call!

Share on Twitter: https://twitter.com/enbywerewolf/status/1668808955882258432?s=20

[centrally-unplanned]

(CW: suicide)

The ending of the PS1 Serial Experiments Lain game is something that sat with me for a while in how it relates to the TV show ending. In the game - oh btw Lain got a PS1 alt-history visual novel retelling in 1998, produced coterminously with the anime, you can play it here - Lain commits suicide in order to ‘ascend’ into The Wired, as opposed to kinda-maybe-never really existing to begin with as she does in the anime. The story leading up to this ending is completely different, primarily involving Lain in therapy, but the themes are all there in both at their core, so these endings do speak to the same concepts.

I think I bounced off it a bit at first because it does not stand out in its execution. The PS1 game is not well-made, with a god-awful interface and clunky progression, and a tiny budget that can barely squeak out a few animations to sell its key moments. Some of them work but their quality is a few tiers below anything the anime had. It has its good parts as a game, don’t get me wrong, just that on selling individual ‘moments’ its not gonna shine.

Also Lain kills herself with a gun?

Its...jarring, its not the kind of thing Lain seems like she would do. Its so analog and brute-force, connecting to an entire world of violence and power that Lain never had anything to do with. I can see why its done this way - as I have mentioned before, Lain is ‘secretly’ a member of the horror genre and is pulling from a lot of that genre’s tropes. The visual novel has a lot more elements of gore and body horror, leaning into that identity harder, so its fits better here. Additionally in Japan guns are a lot more rare as a thing a child would have, they are Advanced Technology out of reach, a bit more similar to a computer (in 1998) than in the west. Hell, Lain came out before the Columbine High School Shooting happened (1999!), kids-with-a-gun just had a different meaning *everywhere*. It is still offputting though, a method chosen for omg-shock that drops your jaw when you are 14 but falls flat as an adult.

Once the execution wore off though its implications for the narrative really started to claw at me. The “Lain of the Wired” concept is bound up in the common cybernetic idea of the ‘upload’, porting yourself over to live on the internet. The anime has that in spades of course, Lain eventually lives only as a ghost in the machine; but its in the end a happy ending, one she chooses to protect her friend and where she gets to look out over them as essentially a caring spirit as they live their lives. It buys into, fundamentally, the possibility of the upload to preserve the self.

The PS1 game sets up a similar premise through its buildup - Lain grows digitally powerful but emotionally distant from everyone in her own life, each of her relationships falls apart one by one, her attempts to compensate for that within reality fail, and so she rejects reality. She chooses to ‘upload’, but through doing so she turns away from the idea of preserving the ‘human’ self at all, as becomes apparent as she builds up to her suicide via her conversations with her “Lain of the Wired” alter-ego:

This is a far harsher view on that process - “the rest is just data” hot damn. Throughout the game you see this ‘data’; the game is structured as you, the player, diving into a computer system pulling up archived logs, often out-of-order, to tease out her story.

In between the logs you find these little audio-visual clips of fragmentary & disconnected sentences with no connection to the ‘story’. She likes cake, she is getting bored of her ‘outfit’, she shares philosophical musings on various topics.

And some, particularly the later ones, are stained with a desperation to connect with others. “Do you want to find me?” “Only play with me” “Stay with me”,

But this is *all* Lain is. There is that “Lain UI”, but its mechanical, it never engages or responds, an abandoned prototype. Everything else you read is a log of past Lain, things that happened before, when she was alive. In those logs she even explicitly rejects the idea of making a “backup” of herself, referring to her past life as “useless”. The fragmentary data files you find are what is left. The way they combines facts, trivialities, and desires gives them a semblance of life, but only a semblance, just the embers of a ghost still clinging to the machine. That is what the vaunted “Lain of the Wired” amounted to.

Which is way more accurate to what we are all going to be, on this internet on our earth. “Uploading” isn’t real, concepts like these are used in stories as literary devices to analogize to the audience, and to that audience “living on the internet” looks exactly like the fragments Lain left behind. Its social media posts, art, websites, publications, a web of data. Yet its a web that all ties back to the living person. Of course “your posts don’t have consciousness”, that is trivial to say, but it goes beyond that, to how the things on here lose their relevance so quickly once separated from the ‘consciousness’ that made them and drives them. “Your posts don’t have meaning absent the creator behind them” is perhaps a bit bolder statement, and while not logically true it is emotionally true, true in important ways, for the audience to see in Lain’s ending a version of their own end. That hits.

This ending is I believe a case of medium-is-the-message, anime just aren’t in the business of having finales with that level of bleak nihilism. But an experimental horror game aimed at the niche obsessive fans, the ‘franchise’ isn’t riding on that, it can afford to roll the dice. Which is why, despite all its technical flubs, its the ending I still get sparked into thinking about in odd moments months after playing - like today it seems, if I am writing this. 

Throwing a bit more kindling onto the embers I guess.

[whumpsday]

idk if this was previously asked

but what would happen in an au where bellamy doesn't have persuasion (like canon!kane) and kane has canon!bellamy's level of persuasion. would their friendship dynamic change? would kane be protective of bellamy? how would their families react?

haha @whumpshaped asked me the same thing back in may! here's a slightly edited copypaste of what i told them on discord (under a readmore because it is LONG)

cw for: homophobia, mind control, forced suicide via mind control, brief minor whumper

so on the day this is revealed. 10yo kane has a very conflicting mix of emotions. kane is MUCH happier about his ability than bellamy was. he feels like a superstar. his parents are proud of him. anton is seething in barely-contained envy. but... his best friend is sad. and this is BELLAMY. little, already-unconfident bellamy. kane's always been the leader, the one who bellamy looked up to. in canon, their dynamic didn't change until after this reveal. and kane can't abandon his best friend.

but the problem is, aldrich and rosemary have ordered him to cease being friends with bellamy. unlike bellamy's dad who was a little more lenient, aldrich is firm. kane sneaks off anyway. he desperately craves his parents' approval, but unlike in canon, that approval is not in any real danger. kane promises a tearful bellamy that they'll always be friends no matter what anyone says.

[3:42 AM]bellamy's family already despise him after this little reveal. the day 13yo bellamy realizes he's gay is the most terrifying day of his life. he's depressed and anxious and afraid. he doesn't even have his hobby in this au. he can't afford to be chastised for doing "women's work". kane is the only person in his life who cares about him. but kane can't know. no one can know. he stays closeted.

[3:44 AM]kane is pretty much considered vampire royalty. aldrich has given him some time with other humans to test his abilities on, and it seems like he is even more powerful than his father, even at a young age. kane hesitates when he's told to make a human kill themself, but with further encouragement, he does it. the praise he receives from this deed enforces that it was the right decision to listen to what his father says, and his doubts mostly dissipate. mostly.

[3:47 AM]anton stops picking on him, knowing that kane is higher rank than he is and that it will backfire. kane flourishes when the weight of anton's emotional abuse disappears.

[3:49 AM]bellamy starts sneaking off to hang out with commoners when he's 15, the same as he did in canon. for the first time, he's not judged. no one cares that he doesn't have persuasion. he makes friends who aren't kane. he gets a support system. he decides he's going to leave. his family don't care. kane cares. bellamy can't ask kane to come with him. this bellamy has no confidence. but he does ask kane to stay in touch, to which kane says "OF COURSE!"

[3:51 AM]kane starts sneaking away to hang out with bellamy and his new friends. he doesn't need to worry about what people will think. he's full of confidence. he's the life of the party. bellamy is so in love with him. bellamy's finally starting to come out of his shell and be openly gnc, though he can't lose that stutter he had as a kid.

[3:52 AM]when kane turns 18, he captures a human. the human is effortlessly under his persuasion, and the lingering effects essentially make them a zombie within a week. given that his persuasion works more than well, he has no trouble controlling his human, and there is no extra abuse like kane enacted on jim in canon. just mind control and feedings. kane has an active social life and does not hang out with his human.

[3:54 AM]kane and bellamy remain best friends. kane doesn't even hide this fact anymore. he doesn't need to. bellamy's finally happy, having settled into his new life.

[3:56 AM]some women are very interested in kane. kane can't find himself interested in them back. he goes on dates. he even gets serious enough with some to call them a girlfriend. but it never lasts. there's never any real romantic connection. it takes a while, but kane eventually realizes that bellamy is the one he really wants.

[3:59 AM]kane could afford to be gay, if he wanted to be. he's kane de sang. but bellamy is the worst person he could have fallen in love with, socially speaking. kane decides he doesn't really care. again, he's kane de sang. he can do whatever he wants. he's a lot less insecure than his canon self. after breaking off his newest failed relationship, kane marches over to bellamy's place and confesses. it's the happiest day of bellamy's life.

[4:02 AM]they get together. it's a controversy. it does affect kane negatively in terms of social standing, but this kane is not scrambling for approval. this bellamy never got into human protection activism. he still disapproves of owning humans, but he's not NEARLY as passionate about it as his canon self. he's much less confident. he and kane agree to disagree on politics. the two live happily ever after, and kane grows a substantial human bodycount over the course of his life.

[nerice]

Being soulless sound like no fun. 0/10 wouldn’t want to do it. And so I was thinking…

What happens in your story if someone tries to unal*ve themselves? Especially curious abt the soulless and immortals! Does nothing happen at all? Do they live but have to suffer(TM) from that moment on? Something completely different? Or do they actually d*e and the immortality solely counts for age?

you can say kill&die here this is a murder/suicide positive space :3 (jk) but by all means feel free!!!! slapping a #cw suicide on this discussion ofc but nothing graphic,,

//

soulless loveeeee to kill themselves <3 (untrue. gray is a statistical outlier and should not be counted) but fr there be. tendencies; like faye's entire quest of Finding A Way To Die. because yeah they're 100% immortal if you stab em they just take a nap about it and will be fine. reina discovered this the hard way when she spent hours flaying gray to the bone & he was chatting away at her all the while but i digress 💛 injuries will heal as they normally would even if they're fatal (slightly accelerated healing depending on severity but mostly operating on a rule of cool principle. faye gets stabbed in the throat once n bounces back from it immediately while losing her arm made her pass out cold from blood loss by the end) + gray just routinely kills himself when the pain gets too much to bear or just for enrichment bc he's built like that <3 sorry <3 he+linn also spent a good deal of time experimenting n pushing the limits of their immortality to figure out what sets them apart (linn being a true ruler which is. immortality working as intended without the all-inclusive pain package)

like actual true rulers (reina back in her day, any of the a/s lambs) are fully immortal, their skin does not break to injury and they do not experience pain. after reina breaks the system she herself and all subsequent rulers (linn, noah, damia, etcc) can sustain injury, though death is only possible via the natural end of their life cycle (turning to stone) or universe failsafe mechanics (azra, tracker swords) :3c

the final fun fact here is that there is an extremely simple way for soulless to die actually & it's that they can kill one another. moon on moon violence is permanent !! now rotate gray/sky/faye dynamics in any constellation on that one >:)

[reviewsthatburn]

*I received a free review copy in exchange for an honest review of this book. 

DNF 27% in.

I found myself struggling to get through THE WILL OF THE MANY, and I ultimately did not finish reading it. I enjoy doorstoppers and I like long books, the length is not the issue. I can like a slow burn story when I have an idea of what the slow burn is building to, but while I mostly understand why Ulciscor is doing what he's doing, I don't understand what Vis (the protagonist) is doing or what his goals are.

Full Review at Link.

[manonamora-if-reviews]

The Whale's Keeper by Ben Parzybok

============= Links

Play the game (IFComp) See other reviews of the game

============= Synopsis

You appear to have been swallowed by a whale. Expect to find wonders and horrors, mythical and real, inside the cavernous belly of the greatest mammal on Earth. Fortunately, you’re a cetologist. This story is delivered via Plotopolis - at this point, a proof-of-concept interactive fiction journal that publishes to chat platforms - which was written in concert with this story.

============= Other Info

The Whale's Keeper is a Plotopolis game, submitted to the 2023 edition of the IFComp

Status: Completed Genre: Fantasy

CW: Some threads contain (accidental) violence, others talk about suicide.

============= Playthrough

Played: 15-Oct-2023 Playtime: about 30min Rating: - [IFComp vote] Thoughts: Conflicting proof-of-concept

============= Review

The Whale's Keeper is a proof-of-concept piece for the Plotopolis engine, a system where you can play IF through a chat engine like Telegraph or Slack. It takes on the story of Jonah and the whale, as a metaphor for life's struggles and the need to escape those negative aspects. The game includes a sanity meter. I found one ending (a fairly good one?).

Spoilers ahead. It is recommended to play the game first. The review is based on my understanding/reading of the story.

I struggled connecting with the story for this one, as the game went from quite vague about who you are supposed to be to a detailed bleak recollection of your life (which felt a bit of a whiplash honestly*), only to end with a milkwarm connection with the mammal, somehow. I think there must be a specific path where things fall into the right place and the passages flow better into one another. *also not sure why the loss was treated with such nonchalance... it's a bigger deal than just a passing mention. It's a never-closing wound...

Part of my struggle I think stood with the engine itself and the interface of the game. Meant for communication/texting apps, the input works like a parser game (without the fun agency interactions), but the game is built like a choice-based games (with different passages to go through) - it made me wish the options to be clickable links like in a Twine or have more interaction with the environment like with a parser.

There was also quite a bit of friction with the display of the texts and images. The latter were so large, you'd see just half at most when on the screen. It would have been nice if the size could respond to the height of the screen, to be able to enjoy them fully. As for the former, a lot revolved on how the text is displayed and the timing between the messages. Though there is a setting to increase/decrease the reading speed, it was finicky to set up, and I didn't feel like it helped quite a bit. The new messages would also push up the previous one, sending you back to the bottom when a new one appeared, so reading large block of text* required scrolling up and restart reading the message. *some of these blocks were quite long, I wonder whether they were maybe too long for a phone... **the font helped with the whole old school book/typewriter vibe, but not the easiest to read..

On the positive side, I really liked the illustrations, especially the analogue ones in ink(?). Some of the descriptions of the whale's interior were quite vivid, and I thought the interactions with Jonah were interesting.

[maddiesbookshelves]

Iron Widow by Xiran Jay Zhao (November 2021)

The boys of Huaxia dream of pairing up with girls to pilot Chrysalises, giant transforming robots that can battle the mecha aliens that lurk beyond the Great Wall. It doesn't matter that the girls often die from the mental strain.

When 18-year-old Zetian offers herself up as a concubine-pilot, it's to assassinate the ace male pilot responsible for her sister's death. But she gets her vengeance in a way nobody expected—she kills him through the psychic link between pilots and emerges from the cockpit unscathed. She is labeled an Iron Widow, a much-feared and much-silenced kind of female pilot who can sacrifice boys to power up Chrysalises instead.​

To tame her unnerving yet invaluable mental strength, she is paired up with Li Shimin, the strongest and most controversial male pilot in Huaxia​. But now that Zetian has had a taste of power, she will not cower so easily. She will miss no opportunity to leverage their combined might and infamy to survive attempt after attempt on her life, until she can figure out exactly why the pilot system works in its misogynist way—and stop more girls from being sacrificed.

Would I recommand it to anyone? YES. It's a great mix between Pacific Rim and The Handmaid's Tale in a sci-fi-ed ancient China with a queer romance and an absolutely badass MC.

Level of (dis)satisfaction based on the summary and my expectations? I had seen this book around I Ithought it was going to be meh, but then I started watching Xiran Jay Zhao's videos, and more specifically the ones on Wu Zetian's life, how she inspired them for this book and I thought "ok, I need to read this thing, it sounds amazing". I was scared the hype would be too high for the book, but it wasn't the case at all.

My thoughts on it? There are books where you can easily guess the resolution and you're bored until the end because it's too obvious, and then there are books that manage to keep the suspense for 400 pages even if you've already guessed some of the key elements by page 10. This is Iron Widow. Really, I loved it, seeing an MC this savage had an almost cathartic effect. If Zetian's feet weren't this broken, she would be unstoppable, it's amazing. It was also really satisfying to read a story with a real love triangle, not just an angle, because XJZ knows no fear and wrote a poly romance. I really loved this book, the action was written well, the characters each had their own roles and personnalities. There was some humor but it worked well with the story, it didn't feel out of place. I also really felt the influence of The Internet, but I didn't mind, it made me laugh. Anyways, I only have good things to say about this book. I can't wait to get my hands on book 2 and I am absolutely going to read XJZ's other book coming out in May, which is a mix between Percy Jackson and an isekai.

CW mentionned at the beginning of the book: suicide ideation, abuse, discussion of and reference to sexual assault (not described in the book but mentionned), alcohol addiction and torture.

French version under the cut

Les garçons de Huaxia rêvent de s'associer avec des filles pour piloter les Chrysalides, de gigantesques robots capables de se transformer pour combattre les aliens mecha qui rôdent au-delà de la Grande Muraille. Que l'effort mental tue les filles n'a aucune importance.

Lorsque Zetian, âgée de 18 ans, se donne en tant que pilote-concubine, c'est pour assassiner le pilote champion responsable de la mort de sa sœur. Seulement, elle obtient sa vengeance d'une manière à laquelle personne ne s'attendait : elle le tue via le lien psychique entre pilotes et émerge indemne du cockpit. Elle est classifiée comme une Iron Widow (Veuve de Fer), un type de pilotes féminin particulièrement craint et gardé sous silence, qui peuvent sacrifier des garçons pour booster les Chrysalides.

Pour dompter sa dérangeante et pourtant inestimable force mentale, elle est assignée à Li Shimin, le plus fort et le plus controversé des pilotes masculins de Huaxia. Mais maintenant que Zetian a goûté au pouvoir, elle ne battra pas en retraite si facilement. Elle ne manquera aucune opportunité de prendre avantage de leur puissance et infamie combinées pour survivre tentative après tentative d'assassinat, jusqu'à ce qu'elle découvre pourquoi le système de pilotes marche d'une manière aussi misogyne - et pour empêcher que d'autres filles soient sacrifiées.

Est-ce que tu le conseillerais à quelqu’un ? OUI. C'est un gros mélange entre Pacific Rim et La Servante Ecarlate, dans une Chine ancienne mais version sci-fi avec une romance queer et une protagoniste absolument badass.

Niveau de déception/satisfaction par rapport au résumé et tes attentes ? J'avais vu passer ce livre et je m'étais dis que ça allait être meh, puis j'ai commencé à regarder les vidéos de Xiran Jay Zhao, notamment son explication de la vie de Wu Zetian et comment elle a inspiré son livre et je me suis dit "ok il faut que je lise ce truc, ça a l'air super". J'avais peur que ma hype soit un peu trop grande et au final j'ai adoré.

Avis sans spoiler ? Y'a des livres dont tu devines facilement la résolution et tu t'ennuies jusqu'à la fin parce que c'est trop évident, puis y'a les livres qui arrivent à te tenir en haleine pendant 400 pages même si tu devines des éléments de la fin au bout de la page 10. Ça c'est Iron Widow. Vraiment, j'ai adoré, ça a un effet presque cathartique de voir une protagoniste absolument sauvage, si Zetian avait pas les pieds défoncés rien ne pourrait l'arrêter, c'est magnifique. C'était aussi extrêmement satisfaisant de lire une histoire avec un VRAI triangle amoureux, pas juste un angle, parce que XJZ n'a peur de rien et a écrit une romance poly. J'ai vraiment adoré ce livre, l'action était vraiment bien gérée, les personnages avaient leur rôle et leur personnalité respective. Y'avait de l'humour mais ça mâchait avec l'histoire, c'était pas à des moments où ça n'avait pas lieu d'être. J'ai aussi énormément senti l'influence de L'Internet, mais c'était pas vraiment dérangeant, perso ça m'a fait rire. Bref j'ai que des bonnes choses à dire sur ce livre. J'ai hâte d'avoir la suite entre les mains et je vais totalement lire l'autre livre de XJZ qui va sortir en mai et qui est un mélange entre Percy Jackson et un isekai.

CW mentionnés au début du livre : idéation du suicide, maltraitance, discussion et mention d'agression sexuelle (pas décrite dans le livre mais mentionnée), addiction à l'alcool et torture

[polymathemawrites]

Restart in Recovery Mode Chapter One

Cw: mentions of past suicide, gore, ptsd, severe trauma, depictions of injuries, drugs

Gordon begins recovering from Black Mesa, not that he’s aware that’s whats happening

4 Hours after Xen

Gordon is contemplating the tangled mess of his hair in his bathroom mirror. He'd had to cut the hair band out and with it had come a mess of dried-blood clumps and tangled hair. This is the last step before he can wash Xen off of him, wash Black Mesa clean from his skin. He's already pried himself out of the HEV suit, each excruciating piece after the other taking more time than the last as he'd gone from extremities to core.

The morphine injection site is a mottled bruised red from the sheer amount of drug the suit had been pumping into his system and it's a brilliant collar that rings his neck. It's the last thing his eyes focus on and the last thing that is sharp clarity when he takes his glasses off and carefully places them on the bathroom countertop. The spray is hard and hot and he closes his eyes against it and lets his body shift sideways till his weight is held up by the frankly freezing shower wall but he doesn't have the energy or ability to keep himself upright long enough for the arduous task of scrubbing away days of trauma. So it's the cold tile wall and the water running down the drain tinged red and slow mechanical movements.

He can't see them clearly for shit, but each swipe of the ragged washcloth reveals new bruises. The HEV suit had clearly kept him alive but at a toll he should have been recovering from in a hospital instead of his rent-past-due apartment.

Fuck that, he wasn't going to a hospital where the government could track him down and put a bullet in his brain.

Predictably it wasn't the state of his body that was the most arduous task to clean up but his hair. Matted up blood, viscera he couldn't even hazard a guess as to the source of, and torn strands all made their way down to the drain to clog it up for Future Gordon to deal with.

Stretching his hands, his hands fuck, both of them God, stretching his fingers through slowly untangling strands felt like literal euphoria. Almost as good at the first hit of morphine from the suit. Which fuck, that wasn't a pleasant correlation to make actually, was that going to be a problem for Future Gordon too? Had he managed to get himself dependent on morphine too?

A week wasn't enough to give him withdrawals most likely, and as the last big mat gave way so did the tangle of his thoughts. The water felt so good, just having something touching his skin that wasn't the skin tight pressure of the HEV suit, to feel the movement and sharp sting of air against him. None of the others had been very tactile and Gordon well, he was, is. Just the sensation of his own hands, of the brush of the cloth over his skin is enough to nearly bring him to tears. Finally managing to wash his hair does, and he cries silently, hanging his head under the fall of water.

He's safe, but he's not safe, he isn't sure he'll ever feel or be safe again. But this is enough for now, this singular moment in time where it is him, heat, silence. Joshua is with his sister in Arizona for the summer, he's safe and far away from Gordon and the mess he's made of his life.

He doesn't bother with a towel, he doesn't have the physical strength to prop himself up long enough to dry himself. Instead he crawls into his bed, wet hair on the pillows as if he could give a single fuck because it's an actual pillow, it's his pillow in his bed, in the relative quiet of his suburban neighborhood apartment in this small not-so-gated community.

Before he's even fully stretched out on the bed the thick scrambling fingers of sleep are reaching up to pull him down. Thick as gossamer, tangling and tugging on his consciousness. There is a moment of strange deja vu as the last thing his blurry eyes register is not the pain-red-brown-green of the bruising of his jugular but a faintly pleasant and nigglingly familiar blue. Sleep has a stranglehold on him and he's down before the slow caress of a hand down the bare expanse of his spine can even register.

18 hours after Xen

Gordon wakes up extremely dehydrated, his head throbbing, stumbling to the bathroom finds the rest of his body is a mess of similar aches and pains. When he's swallowing naproxen via handfuls of water brought from the tap to his mouth by cupped hands, he manages to catch sight of his blurry reflection in the mirror.

After putting on his glasses he finds he sort of wishes he hadn't. He looks in the words of a dead extraterrestrial or somefuck entity, a bit shit. He feels worse than he looks. His stomach is threatening to eat itself, his throat is dry, his skin is simultaneously on fire and numb. His nude form is absolutely painted with bruises.

In the bright mid-day light coming in through the frosted glass of the bathroom window he can make out the faintest ring of scar tissue around the circumference of his right arm. While walking around his apartment naked had been the first thing a young adult Gordon Freeman had done when he rented his first apartment solo, he was begining to feel entirely too underdressed and unshielded. After finally getting the damned thing off, not having the thick layers of insulation protecting him against the rest of the world made him feel naked even with the pullover and slacks he pulled on. Summer in New Mexico wasn't a pleasant season to be pulling on a cardigan but he pushed up the AC to compensate, the sound of the overhead vents pushing out recycled air was familiar in a nausteating way.

When he was stuck in Black Mesa all he could think about was getting out, getting free, breathing the sun-baked air of the outside world. Standing now in his living room he could not fathom the idea of going outside. Loud, uncompromising, dangerous. He needed therapy, probably way more help than even therapy, he needed a bleached brain. This wasn't like walking in to the garage to find his father in the family van, brain matter splattered on the driver-side window from where he'd shot himself in the head. This wasn't like the years of moving and pulling up roots, of never making friends for longer than a few months, this was so much more, so much thicker.

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, and the quiet is closing in on him, the sound of the AC isn't enough, his own breathing is going fast, his heart feels like a violent creature burrowing into his chest, he's sweating and cold all at the same time. He probably bruises his pelvis slamming against the kitchen counter in front of the wall-mounted telephone but whats one more bruise to a body full of them. His hands scramble against the receiver and the number pad, the dialtone is the counterpoint to his mental breakdown.

"Hello, this is Tommy Coolatta!"

"T-tommy, hey, hey bud it's, it's Gordon." "Hello Mr. Freeman! It's so good to hear from you!" In the background there is a bark, Sunkist.

Gordon bends double against the counter till his forehead hits the faux marble, cool sinking into his skin, he laughs short shaky sounds, his heartrate crescendos, a cresting wave, it feels like rapture when it drops.

"Hey, how are you, how are you doing?" Please don't ask it back, he's not sure how he could even respond, he doesn't know.

“I’m really good! I was about to take Sunkist to the dog park, would you like to come?”

He doesn’t think his nerves can stand it but he says yes anyway.

[sweetreleaseofsurvival]

Seeking submissions for a zine on trauma and crisis intervention from queer, trans & two spirit people - honoraria provided

CW: mentions of suicide, mental health crisis, medical and state violence.

I am putting together a zine featuring writing by queer, trans & two spirit people who are directly affected by our broken systems of crisis intervention.

Why

This zine will share the stories of those directly affected by psychiatric and medical models of crisis intervention, which too often replicate carceral systems of control and domination (and in which many queer, trans & two spirit ppl cannot find healing).

This zine offers a platform for those directly affected to imagine peer-based mental health first aid which trusts us and believes we are experts on our lived experiences, rather than defaulting to interventions created by institutions which believe that, as mentally ill folks, we don’t have the capacity to make decisions about our care. Institutions whose mandates say that our lives must be “saved” at any cost, no matter how violent, up to and including intervention from law enforcement, regardless of the longer-term outcomes.

This zine will also make space for those living with ongoing trauma and chronic suicidality to highlight misunderstandings and missteps made by peer supporters who, in attempts to intervene in crisis situations, increase suffering rather than alleviate it.

Who

Seeking contribitors who are queer, trans & two spirit people who live with on-going expriences of trauma, chronic suicidality and/or c-ptsd.

The project particularly seeks to uplift the voices of those who identify as: transfeminine, racialized, Black, indigenous, psych survivors, psychotic, mad, crazy, disabled, neurodivergent, and/or autistic.

What

Personal essays or other writings which explore

• Envisioning what positive peer mental health first aid in LGBTQ2S+ community might look like

• Shedding light upon the problems of psychiatric models of intervention, through personal stories

• How loved ones and community members can better love and hold our peers, especially those who experience traumatic stress which may never see a “post”  

Seeking pieces between 750 - 2000 words, (though longer or shorter pieces will be considered as well). Those who are selected as contributors will receive an honorarium for their writing. I am able to help you edit your work if needed.

You can submit writing or a proposal for a piece to sweetreleaseofsurvival@gmail.com. Please contact me if you have questions, requests or accessibility concerns around submitting a piece.

When

Deadline for proposals/submissions is August 7th 2019. (EXTENDED, PLEASE SUBMIT IF YOU ARE INTERESTED)

For those whose pieces are chosen, final versions of work must be submitted by September 30th, 2019, honoraria will be paid in the beginning of October upon receipt of the final draft of the work.

The zine will be printed in November 2019.

If you are interested in submitting work but need support discerning if this is the right time for you, please reach out and we can discuss it, if that feels helpful. Please think about how participating may affect you and consider making a care plan for yourself if you believe it may be challenging.

More Info

The zine’s first run printing is entirely covered by a grant. If copies are sold anywhere, 100% of the proceeds will go to Trans Lifeline. Should a second printing occur, all proceeds after printing costs will go to Trans Lifeline, or another trans or two spirit organization that works with issues of mental health which does not call the police on people who are in crisis, or to raise funds for BIPOC trans/two spirit individual's health care costs. A digital copy will be made available for free online in perpetuity.

Who is making this zine?

I am a white settler, disabled, trans, single parent living in poverty with serious mental illness and trauma. I have lived experience both as someone receiving crisis care and as a peer support person. I reside in so-called Canada, on the stolen, unceded, ancestral and traditional lands of the xʷməθkʷəy̓əm, Sḵwx̱wú7mesh and səl̓ílwətaʔɬ nations.

I am doing this project with support and mentorship from the Undivided Leadership Program. I can speak with you in detail about my experience in the program if you are interested, or have any questions about this work.

In the interest of full transparency, I want to be up front with the fact that the grant money for this project ultimately comes from the United Church of Canada via the Contemplative Justice Network. The United Church of Canada will have no editorial authority or creative input on the project.

[parentsnevertoldus]

little-t trauma

CW// health issues, death, suicide, homophobia, racism

When I was little, I thought that “drama” and “trauma” were the same thing. Middle school drama consisted of which popular long-haired sk8er boy was scooping the boobs of which popular pubescent girl; whose secrets were exposed when someone was ousted from their friend group; which 8th graders were dating high school seniors. While, in my experience, these words can often describe each other--drama can be traumatic and vice versa--they mean two different things. However, looking back on my childhood as I got older, I realized the way I had used them interchangeably was, well, correct. 

Whether it’s “Big-T Trauma” or “little-t trauma,” the psychological and physiological responses are the same. Big-T Trauma is an event that happens once but is extremely impactful all at one time, for example, death, assault, and attack, or witnessing an attack. These instances are often more accepted by wider society as stressful. Little-t trauma is by no means less traumatic. However, these recurring events are often invalidated and normalized by society; the burden is often shifted to the victim with the expectation that one should just “get over it.”  Examples of these include chronic bullying, racism, body-shaming, sexism, and other forms of everyday violence and discrimination. What determines whether we call it trauma in the first place is how we feel after the experience. The more frightened or helpless you feel, the more likely that this is trauma. 

Having to let boys playfully “scoop” your boobs every day at school or risk social ostracization? Trauma. Having your deepest darkest secrets exposed at school? Trauma. Being ousted from your friend group? Trauma. Dating someone way too old for you? Trauma. Being the only Black kid at your school? Trauma. Trying to pass for straight? Trauma. Hiding your gender identity from everyone you know? Trauma. No one deserves that.

Minority Stress is a little-t trauma (in contrast to the big-T Trauma of a hate crime).  The term minority stress refers to the excess recurring stress to which individuals from stigmatized social categories are exposed as a result of their position as a social minority. This stress from alienation accumulates over time and results in both physiological and mental health issues.

How Trauma Affects the Body

Increased blood pressure: have you ever heard the expression “higher than a Black man’s blood pressure?” Some epidemiological studies have found that exposure to racial discrimination was positively related to elevated levels of blood pressure in Black people (1). Experiencing discrimination in a broad range of contexts can induce considerable stress. 

Higher rates of chronic disease: Everyday discrimination is positively associated with coronary artery calcification (9),  diabetes, heart disease, hypertension, depression, cancer, and early death (12). Because of this, not only do POC (specifically Black people) experience worse health earlier, but this deterioration accumulates giving rise to higher cortisol levels and inflammation in racial, sexual, and gender minorities alike (13).

Poor sleep:  Black people are less likely than white people to have a decline in blood pressure during sleep, which is associated with increased risk for mortality and traumatic cardiovascular events like heart attacks (11).

Birthing mortality: The weathering hypothesis proposes that the health of Black women may begin to deteriorate in early adulthood as a physical consequence of cumulative socioeconomic disadvantage. This age the body via an increase in allostatic load, the physiological burden imposed by stress: norepinephrine, epinephrine, cortisol, and DHEA-S which gives rise to elevated blood pressure & cholesterol (14). During childbirth, these problems are correlated with higher rates of fetal/neonatal death and death of the birthing person as well as low birth weights and prematurely born babies.

Mental health and physical health are inextricably linked. 

How Trauma Affects Us Socially & Emotionally

Psychological distress: Perceptions of discrimination are related to high levels of psychological distress, low levels of life satisfaction & happiness, depressive symptoms, poorer physical health (2), & cognitive impairment (10). Internalized racism is correlated with higher levels of alcohol use (3) while internalized homophobia correlates to higher levels of illicit drug use.

Fatalism:  Understanding one's position as a victim of oppression, rather than lessening the degree of personal responsibility, diminishes feelings of self-efficacy. This leads to a fatalistic attitude that reduces coping effort in the face of adversity (4,5) and, in gay men, is correlated to increased risk of death by suicide. 

Stereotype threat:  When someone is aware of the negative stereotypes that are applied to them, this creates expectations, anxieties, and reactions that can adversely affect social & psychological functioning (6). When a stigma of inferiority is activated for Black people in experimental conditions, exam performance worsens. Similarly, women who were told that they perform worse than men had lower exam scores than control groups (7). Stereotype threat can increase anxiety, reduce self-regulation, & impair decision-making processes and communication abilities (8).

Trauma makes it hard to trust others; it makes us want to self-isolate from friends and family, snap at loved ones more frequently, makes us more susceptible to disease and chronic flare-ups, and startle more easily. Traumatic experiences, especially ones we face daily and have little control over (microaggressions, anyone?), can lead to hopelessness and chronic mental illness. And while white cisgender heterosexuals have problems too, the problems that oppressed minority groups face have a much larger effect on their cardiovascular systems and overall health.

Discrimination and oppression are literally killing people. In a capitalist society where you are only as valuable as your economic or reproductive output (#tbt to the Trans-Atlantic Slave Trade), where women and minorities are barred access to equal healthcare, thus decreasing their values as workers, the cycle of poverty continues.

Ever wonder where the Angry Black Woman stereotype came from? Ever think that maybe her anger was justified?

While this article focuses on Black people and cishet white gay men, let's remember the overall message: experiencing oppression (external and internalized) causes mental and physical health problems that are NOT YOUR FAULT. These experiences are compounded at the intersections of our marginalized identities which further aggravates the tangible effects of systemic oppression. And guess what? You deserve fucking better.

Click here for some self-care ideas and techniques!

Sources

1.  Krieger N. & Sidney S. Racial and discrimination: risk factors for high blood pressure? Social Science & Medicine. 1990; 30 (12): 1273-81.

2. Williams & Chung, in press (NSBA)

3. Taylor, R. J., & Chatters, L. M. (1991). Nonorganizational religious participation among elderly black adults. Journal of Gerontology: Social Sciences, 46(2), S103-111.

4. Jones, E., & Matsumoto, D. (1982). Psychotherapy with the underserved: Recent developments. In L. Snowden (Ed.), Reaching the underserved: Mental health needs of neglected populations. Beverly Hills: Sage Publications.

5. Neighbors, H. W., Jackson, J. S., Broman, C. L., & Thompson, E. (1996). Racism and the mental health of African Americans: The role of self and system blame. Ethnicity and Disease, 6(1-2), 167-175.

6. Fischer, C. S., Hout, M., Jankowski, M. S., Lucas, S. R., Swidler, A., Voss, K. (1996). Inequality by design: Cracking the bell curve myth Princeton, NJ: Princeton University Press

7. Steele, C. M. (1997). A threat in the air: How stereotypes shape intellectual identity and performance. American Psychologist, 52(6), 613-629.

8. Inzlicht, M., Kang, S. K. (2010). Stereotype threat spillover: How coping with threats to social identity affects aggression, eating, decision making, and attention. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 99(3), 467-481.

9. Lewis, T. T., Barnes, L. L., Bienias, J. L., Lackland, D. T., Evans, D. A., Mendes de Leon, C. F.(2009). Perceived discrimination and blood pressure in older African American and White adults. Journals of Gerontology Series A: Biological Sciences and Medical Sciences, 64A(9), 1002-1008.

10. Barnes, L. L., Lewis, T. T., Begeny, C. T., Yu, L., Bennett, D. A., Wilson, R. S. (2012). Perceived discrimination and cognition in older African Americans. Journal of the International Neuropsychological Society, 18(5), 856-865.

11. Profant, J., Dimsdale, J. E. (1999). Race and diurnal blood pressure patterns: A review and meta-analysis. Hypertension, 33(5), 1099-1104.

12. National Research Council (US) Panel on Race, Ethnicity, and Health in Later Life; Anderson NB, Bulatao RA, Cohen B, editors. Critical Perspectives on Racial and Ethnic Differences in Health in Late Life. Washington (DC): National Academies Press (US); 2004. 14, Significance of Perceived Racism: Toward Understanding Ethnic Group Disparities in Health, the Later Years. Available from: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK25531/

13. Gender differences in age-related changes in HPA axis reactivity.

Seeman TE, Singer B, Wilkinson CW, McEwen B

Psychoneuroendocrinology. 2001 Apr; 26(3):225-40.

14. Price of adaptation--allostatic load and its health consequences. MacArthur studies of successful aging.

Seeman TE, Singer BH, Rowe JW, Horwitz RI, McEwen BS

Arch Intern Med. 1997 Oct 27; 157(19):2259-68.

[ultraviolet-ink]

For the fanfiction ask meme: 45, 47, 51 🌻

45. What is your all time favourite fanfic?    My favorite fic so far is Begone Dull Care by VivaRocksteady. CW: it is a suicide recovery fic and it does delve into a lot of dark themes and places. I really enjoy this fic because it treats this subject matter with dignity and a lot of care, I truly did resonate with it due to my own personal experiences. I really like how the main focus is on Miles’ journey through recovery and one of my favorite scenes is where he finally gets the chance to talk with Fran (Although Miles’ interactions with Bikini are a close second for me!). I like to read it when I get particularly down, as I do relate to this situation personally and I really do feel a little bit stronger every time I read it (which is three times so far). Archive Of Our Own, Fanfiction.net or Tumblr - where do you prefer to post and why?    I post to Ao3 and then share via link to Tumblr. I love Ao3′s design and interface, it’s really easy to use and it looks good which is something I really love. I also love it’s sorting system so that I can look for what I want and also make sure to tag what I don’t want. I really do love using it due to its accessibility and I like to post to Tumblr as an added bonus. 51. Rant or Gush about one thing you love or hate in the world of fanfiction! Go!    Honestly, I really love the community on Ao3! Especially when I get the emails that a fic I’m following updated or someone replied to a comment I left or left a comment on one of my works. I always try to leave comments and kudos on fics I read because I really do love to encourage other authors, we really can be our worst enemies after all! That’s why I try to reply to comments as well, I just like to let others know that I truly appreciate their kind words, it really does help a lot and it helps me grow as a writer!

[momestuck]

Epilogues: Candy, chapters 14-15 [Epilogue 3]

On to Epilogue 3.

The last Epilogue ended with a cliffhanger: prior to his disappearance, Dirk was constructing a ‘feminine’ robot, which Dave discovers is holding a note in its hand.

CW suicide for chapter 14. A successful suicide by hanging is described in some detail.

Also this Epilogue is really short and I actually read an entire nother epilogue before I realised that, so the next post will be very soon after this one!

Chapter 14

We get a POV chapter of Dirk, which might answer our question. This chapter is in second person, and brings back the “> Ascend” prompt, used so much throughout Homestuck. All that we know is “the world has been set on a path you cannot tread”. There are apparently no stakes or consequences - so Dirk has decided to kill himself. He succeeds, decapitating himself by hanging himself from a tower in a rather grim recapitulation of all the Dirk’s head jokes.

The narration is extremely self-aggrandising and condescending towards everyone else, as befits Dirk. Although exactly why he felt John’s decision to stay rendered anything he might do in the new world devoid of meaning or consequence, or prevented him from popping out into the Farthest Realm to get involved in some plots out there, is not immediately clear.

Although he’s god tier, the death ‘takes’:

Your body doesn’t get up, and your head doesn’t open its eyes. When you think so little of yourself as a moral character, any act of self-termination will result in a death that is Just. 

Friggin’ Dirk.

Chapter 15

Funeral time. It begins about as awkward and ridiculously as Dirk himself.

Most of it is given to a speech by Dave. It’s well-written, in-voice, and makes me feel stuff about Dirk Strider. He specifically addresses intrusive thoughts about suicide, the shit that Bro did, the way that Dirk mattered to them even as weird and self-absorbed as he was. Which does kinda mean something, because I guess I feel like, like Dirk, I live a lot in my head, follow trains of thought that mean very little to other people, but I’ve managed to make myself matter to others anyway.

Not gonna kill myself though. Not anymore.

Gamzee, for some reason, has Dirk’s note, and accidentally destroys it. The narration continues to emphasise how disgusting Gamzee is: how much he smells, how he’s clumsy, openly scratches his crotch, etc. His attempt to recap Dirk’s final message is mostly skimmed over in narration. Jake’s also gonna give a speech but the camera mercifully spares us that.

John, at this point, offers to retcon the suicide. Because... he can actually do that. There’s a brief discussion of the difference between time travel and retcon (if Dave went back, it would allegedly just create a separate timeline where Dirk does not die). Dave is like, no, don’t do that John... but John attempts to do it anyway, only to find his powers no longer work!

At that point Roxy shows up and proposes. What’s that thing they have in America, where the studios are doing a donation drive so they write loads of really dramatic moments into shows? ‘Sweeps’? ...oh it’s actually to do with the ratings system, trying to court advertiser money, but same difference. It feels like that right now.

Something about this doesn’t feel... right? Just a few weeks ago, Roxy was happy with Calliope, and now she wants to have his babies? John feels like he’s missing something important here, like he went for a bathroom break during the part of the movie where the plot twist happens. He should give Roxy some time, get himself some space. It’s all happened so fast that it’s suffocating.

Yeah. Calliope hasn’t shown up onscreen for quite a lot of chapters. What are we missing? What profound effect has John’s decision to stay had, that’s caused everyone to suddenly be obsessed with pinning down ‘endgame’ relationships, having children etc.?

Roxy once again prophesises that they will be ‘so freakin happy!’. I’m getting more and more uneasy every time those words are uttered.

(Apparently ‘prophesise’ is nonstandard, but I like the sound of it more than ‘to prophesy’, so I’m keeping that, nyeh.)

Epilogue 3 as a whole

Suicide’s a heavy subject, and describing in second-person and in detail is intense reading, but also a pretty harsh thing to do without (localised) warning. I would personally have put a content note at the top of this chapter, and invited the reader to skip to the aftermath if they felt the need.

The funeral was well-written, even if we’re like, skating from dramatic moment to dramatic moment - deaths! funerals! proposals!

I imagine if I was more invested in Dirk I’d be a bit frustrated to see him so abruptly killed off, but I suspect he’ll have a much more substantial role in Meat.

Will be interesting to see just what is up with Calliope...

[earlsings]

✝️🏳️‍🌈❤️ #gaybygod #queerbygod #purpose #bornthisway #LGBTQ #gaychristian #blackandgay #FaithfullyLGBT #unchangedLGBTQ Reposted from @qchristianorg The harm LGBTQ+ people experience often originates in the rejection and exclusion so many of us have received from family, friends, churches, and communities. For many of us around the world, the systemic marginalization is severe—life-threatening, even.⠀ ⠀ (CW: suicide)⠀ ⠀ The Family Acceptance Project reports "LGB youth who come from highly rejecting families are 8.4 times as likely to have attempted suicide" as their peers who experience little to no rejection.⠀ ⠀ Many of us have been told in one way or another that "the LGBTQ+ lifestyle" is harmful or destructive. (It's not.) What is truly harmful is any message that tells us, in effect, "You are not welcome here."⠀ ⠀ May we realize a world where all LGBTQ+ people are fully and unequivocally loved by family, church, and community.⠀ ⠀ For those new to conversations regarding LGBTQ+ inclusion and affirmation within Christianity, we welcome you to the table and invite you to learn and grow with us via LGBTQ+ Theology 101 at the link in our bio! https://www.instagram.com/p/CLFOwOHrNuF/?igshid=1f939vh6vzixo

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