#dealing with this sort of sexism is tiring because it also hurts more than just women

[fiishes]

Raised a safety concern about a job at work only for my supervisor to say “just let one of the boys do it.”

Because as we all know, the presence of a penis makes one immune to shoulder injuries.

[dopaminerjic]

transphobic cis gay people, have you ever considered: taking all the things you claim are evidence that "trans rights activism” is actually a “cult” or whatever the fuck, and replacing “transphobe” and all related words with “homophobe”. and seeing if it still sounds so unreasonable all of a sudden. these people will give examples of how supposedly deranged the stupid gendies are like “omg1!!1!! i just reblogged from a terf omg omg i will delete immediately i hate those people theyre scum i dont support them at all” ok well if someone actually said those exact words thats a little over the top yes but. do you not also think you would be upset and in a rush to clarify your intentions if you found you had accidentally reblogged from someone who openly preaches that gay people are disgusting immoral scum and advocates for anti-gay laws. do you not think it would at least be normal and reasonable behavior for you to delete the post and express displeasure that you unwittingly associated with such a person. or if you saw someone else who wasnt gay reblogging such a post, do you not think you as a gay person might want to tell the other guy, hey, nothing against you but that person is actually violently homophobic and id feel more comfortable if you deleted the post. do you not think that would be reasonable behaviour and not evidence that you are trying to drag people into your gay cult

because, i can guarantee you that there are plenty of people out there who would see this behaviour as being exactly that and frankly the part that astounds me is the part where entire open and proud members of the gay community will turn round and do the exact same to the trans community as is done to them, without even the slightest hint of awareness. the fact that these people will accuse trans people of being homophobic for.. checks notes.. being transgender, while also advocating for literal conversion therapy. the fact that these people will go on and on until theyre blue in the face about how being gender nonconforming is good and to be celebrated until, god forbid, that gender nonconformity extends to using different pronouns or wanting your body to look a certain way or saying fuck this, i dont want anything to do with the gender i was assigned at birth, i hate it and i dont consider it part of my identity

then all of a sudden these people love bio & gender essentialism and dictating peoples identities and lives more than the christian conservatives, and its not like im not aware of just how hypocritical people can be but. fucking man. y’all really just looked at the system that oppresses you and somehow came to the conclusion that the only way to talk about that oppression is to fucking lick the system’s boot and enforce the same way of viewing the world that is the thing being used to hurt you in the first place. and somehow trans people are the ones being sexist and homophobic for just trying to live our lives?? while dealing with the exact same sexism and homophobia that cis women and cis gays do on top of the transphobia and yet the same people we have so many struggles in common with us will turn round and paint trans people as the oppressors. as if fuelled by some sort of stockholm syndrome towards the cisheteronormative (not to fucking mention intersexist and racist and probably more im not thinking of right now!) construct of sex & gender that is hurting all of us, while also pushing the exact same rhetoric towards us that the conservatives use on them and this has gone far beyond what i originally had in mind and is probably just a bunch of disjointed rambling but god am i tired. im so fucking tired

you wonder why we want nothing to do with you, not even in the form of an accidentally reblogged tumblr post? you wonder why, all the anger, all the violent words? you wonder why we hate you, even sometimes more than the misogynists and the homophobes? 

we never expected the misogynists and the homophobes to be on our side. we never looked at them and saw people who should be allies, friends, siblings; who should care about us and stand up for us, or at the very minimum be able to sympathise with our plight. the misogynists and the homophobes and all those others may come at us for all theyre worth but at least they never betrayed us

you betrayed us

whether you can see it or not, you betrayed us

[izukukuzi]

you know, i respect people who want bkg to be redemmed bc we all have our own opinions and stuff. but to me??? i want him OUT of the narrative, nothing he will ever do (just looking at what we have till now, almost 300 chaps) will be enough,nothing will happen so yeah, to me he is iredemable. is it me selfprojecting years of cruelty i had to deal with with bothableism and racism? maybe but in a word qith quirks where people can be pink red or black with no problem

(2/4) what sets you aside is your quirk. or lack of it since without it you aint even a person, and bakugou spent 10 years and MORE ruining the equivalent of a disabled child while showing how privileged he was, he is rich, has a powerful quirk, can hurt anyone and get away with it, he has both parents, he is everything izuku isnt AND yet we have to sympathize with him rather than the victim??? i dont get it.i know a lot of people want him to be redeemed but i dont understand why he has to become friends

(3/4) like if someone told me be friends with the person who ruined your youth and selfworth and just straight up made your life hell im just gonna be really, astonished and he didnt get better, it is just the narrative accommodating him, because he is like pretty much the same as the start. and something that i dont get is why people try justifying him while hating mineta,they are the same age so lets just admit that yall care about appearence rather than actual characters and flaws

(4/4) sorry i ranted dhf hdbhjcsd but like. im just tired and your inbox is one of the few places that make me feel understood ?? ;-; sorry, and love u!!! have a nice day honey bee

first, I want to address your last point, nonnie. neveeeeeer apologize for sharing your thoughts with me!!! to be honest, I became more vocal about my feelings towards bakugou because I imagined that others felt that way too, or similarly enough, and I wanted to make space for us all to comfortably talk about it. the fact that that’s working, even for one person at all, makes me feel good!!! so no apologies, and no worries babes (and I love you toooooooooo!!)

now, onward to the stuff:

you bring up a lot of points that i probably don’t have all the depth to explore in their entirety, but yes to all that ^^^^^

as you mentioned at the start, there are variations in opinions, which is how things work. the beauty of it is that everyone can take what they want out of the show/character(s) and every interpretation (within reason hdebfdbnjd) is valid. soooooooo if you’re someone who has dealt with real life discrimination of some sort (like racism, ableism, sexism, along with the other -isms) I think it’s beyond fair to not only identify with izuku, but to raise issue with bakugou and his actions. I mean, even if you haven’t felt those struggles, seeing and then calling out a character’s shitty behavior is not... a bad thing?? even for bakugou, even at the start of his “redemption.” being wary of his growth makes sense, especially when it took us over two-hundred chapters to get where we are currently.

that then leads me into the responses to the responses to bakugou dbedhd I haven’t really had the chance to speak to many people who are put off by my stance on bk, but I can sort of guess that some people grow defensive on his behalf because 1) they feel the need to justify the fact that they like him, or 2) they identify with him, maybe in a way that I, or you nonnie, identify with izuku, so they take criticism geared towards him as something personal (and as I said, this is me guessing. I don’t know shit about shit so please no one take offense or anything). and you know, when thinking about that, I believe:

you don’t have to justify liking a character, even when they’re “bad.” I know there’s lots of shiggy stans around and I would never ask any of them to justify enjoying his character (though I will continuously joke on yall for calling him attractive lmao). people criticize shig’s actions and how he operates in the plot, but that doesn’t mean you can’t still like him. the same goes for bakugou

me, in this case, disliking a character that you see parts of yourself in does not mean I have any ill feelings towards you as a person. for example, I love izuku! I think I was in the tags of someone else’s post early this morning talking about how I connect with him as a black person and how I love his storyline because parts of it make me feel seen. so like, all that in mind, there’s a decent amount of people, both in and out of the fandom, who haaaaaaaaaaate izuku. there’s a number of reasons why, and while I don’t agree with that stance, obviously, I know that people’s feelings about him do not also reflect onto me as a person because their perception of him has nothing to do with me. the same line of reasoning can, and probably should, be applied to bakugou. 

and so with all of that being said... that’s what I think is (part of) what’s going on. now, as someone who doesn’t care for his character, and being shit-talked for not caring too much for his character, I am still frustrated by it. plenty of people have already talked about the importance of holding bk accountable, and it’s okay if we get that in canon and it 1) changes how you feel about bk (because honestly, that’s what I want. I want to see him do good enough by izu and his past mistakes to like him... or tolerate him better duebndnwd), 2) it doesn’t change how you feel, or 3) it makes you dislike him more. all of these are valid reactions. what I do hope for is that people are understanding of how others feel, regardless of how it shoves against your own/the fandom’s general opinion, because they’re allowed to feel differently. 

people are allowed to problematize problematic behavior, they’re allowed to enjoy a character despite said problematic beahvior, and these things can (and should) coexist.   

okay but all this bullshit is basically me saying you’re valid anon and anti-bakugou fans/bakugou haters/whatever deserve more rights eubfudwnjndjw

[kcatta-wodahs]

Hey there :3 May I request a matchup🙈? I'm a 5'6 tall, queer, chin long dyed red haired girl(she/her) and you can call me Karo if you need a name :p I don't really care if it's a single pairing or a poly one as well as the kind of relationship (platonic/romantic/sexual), but maybe a romantic one would be sweet🤔 I'm a INFP and was born under the sign of Pisces and I think the stereotype fits me pretty well lol. I don't think I would describe myself as clingy, I definetely need my space (part1)

and me-time, but sometimes it's also nice to have someone who will drag me outside to do stuff or socialize if I'm isolating myself too much or another depressive episode seems to creep up on me. I think they need to understand, doesn't matter if it's a platonic or romantic relationship, that sometimes I can't give them much(time etc) and that that's nothing personal and that they're still very important to me. Hmmm I think I would prefer my relationship like I like my fanfics hehe, slow burning, like first get to know each other, (enemies to) friends to lovers is just *chefs kiss* for me <3 I really love to draw and sing, to dance too, I like to spend time in nature and with animals, help them too. But I also like adrenaline rushes, like rollercoasters, cave exploring, bungee jumping, exploring lost places etc, I would say I'm almost up to anything if it's exciting or interesting, but I definetely like just chilling and watching netflix, playing games or watching Vine compilations or crackhead satire twilight tiktoks(which is tbh the things I do most of the time until someone drags me out). I love making others laugh with just random outbursts(thats pretty much my humour, just randomness and gen z memes). I try not to judge anyone for anything and be open for all kinds of stuff, except for like non-negotiable things for me like racism, homophobia, sexism etc, like, full offense but I have absolutely a zero tolerance for that. I also get very emotional very easily, doesn't matter if it's something not so important like a touching movie scene(so many things make me cry so easily haha) or like in an argument. I really have a hard time argueing, I hate it SO much, I either try to avoid conflict(and run away like a coward lol) or if it's really something we have to discuss I sometimes need time and space in between(not the best under stress talker/thinker), but if the other side is being calm and considerate then I think I would be fine too Oh almost forgot,I love cuddling(definetely also platonic)and am not afraid to just throw myself at my friends/lover/s I am getting better at not caring about what others think, but sometimes I'm still pretty insecure about everything(my actions,my future,my appearence..),but my motto is fake it till you make it,so feck other people,I can do whatever the hell I like and nobody's gonna stop me hehe😈🙈 Soo yes,I think that will be enough😂Thank you for your time and effort👐💕👐

A/N: I promise you fake it til you make it is 100000% good strategy and also i see feck are you from ireland

I pair you with.... The Attic Sandwich!

Beel and Belphie would be perfect partners for you. The two of them balance each other out in many ways, and you fit right into that. They value the connection between them and because of it they don't expect to always be around each other. This connection extends to you. Beel takes you out to all sorts of places (usually ones where there's unique food) and would definitely have fun with some adrenaline rushes. It makes him forget about his hunger for a bit. Belphie is absolutely there for your sense of humor and he's very good at watching your depression and arranging something to cheer you up.

More Below the Cut!

The plot of the first 20 chapters is what really gets you close to these two. (Spoilers for that follow and in the last three bullet points) Beel opens up more and more to you, and just absolutely falls for you. Belphie gives us that sweet, sweet enemies to lovers trope. He becomes curious about you, especially with how smitten Beel is, and ends up falling along the way.

THIS is the cuddliest group to ever cuddle oh my goodness when you want snuggles you will have them

They adore just relaxing with you. The three of you become a pile on the couch while watching movies or other videos.

Beel will watch you scroll through tumblr while he engulfs you with his arms. Belphie somehow worms his way into yours and alternates between sleeping against your chest and watching your screen as well. You hear an occasional snort of laughter from him.

Beel is very emotionally intelligent, so he can quickly determine your mood and what he can do to help.

Belphie encourages you to break out of your shell and be yourself. He's very blunt about his opinion of other people lol

He finds himself staying awake longer with you just so he can hear you. He thinks you're hilarious, honestly, and loves talking with you.

When you throw yourself at Beel he catches you. He big and strong and loves affection from you. but also this happens https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NIhl1cW9Me8

Belphie thinks its the funniest shit he can't breathe

If you do it to Belphie honestly he just stands there - either to let you fall or cling to him like a koala. He looks so Done but I promise he loves it. He laughs at you either way. He saves hugs and cuddling for when laying in bed or sitting. Too tired to hold you.

They both understand needing space, and will often just go off and do their own thing. They have complete faith in your feelings for each other, and will never doubt that you love them.

At least not for needing alone time - Belphie has lingering guilt over plot but he tries to make up for it by protecting you.

The others in the house can't help but be reminded of the trio they were with Lilith as angels.

While it still hurts to remember, Beel and Belphie feel almost as if they've come home around you. A part of them that was lost is found again. 

Snippet!

Cleaning day is nobody's favorite, but least of all Belphie's. Too much work. Just don't take ou your stuff and then you don't have to clean it later, right? The problem to him seems to be all the time people spend awake and he shouldn't have to deal with it!

But cleaning day is a little better with Beel and Karo. With their laughs and energy. Usually seeing other people so active drained him, but not with those two. He watched as Karo danced around the room to the music she had put on, while she and Beel tidied up. It was frankly adorable, and best of all: Belphie wasn't expected to join.

He was happy to watch. He watched as Karo spun into Beel's side, surprising him and causing him to stumble before he laughed and swept her up into a spin together. He watched as Beel picked Karo up with ease to put something on the top shelves of the room. He watched Karo find pillows in all the nooks and crannies of the room, and he huffed and whined when she threw each one at him on the bed.

Belphie was on snack duty. In exchange for the two helping him with cleaning day, he was expected to provide the rewards. This was not a small feat when Beel was involved, but it was far better than cleaning.

"Hah! The closet is done!" Karo declared, brandishing her feather duster. "Snack us, Belphie!"

He couldn't help but chuckle. It was an awful phrase. Silly and stupid, but Karo's enthusiasm was just so contagious. 

"Good job. C'mere," he told them, reaching to his hoard of treats.

Karo practically jumped onto the bed, grinning at him, while Beel was close behind looking very expectant. Belphie hid the curling smile of his lips by lifting up a large bag. "The closet is the biggest monster of them all - so for defeating it, you two get this."

Karo gasped and Beel's eyes gleamed. "Oh, those are my favorite..." he said, already reaching out.

"Ah-ah," Belphie pulled the bag back, to be met with a pout from Beel. "You'll eat them too fast for Karo to get any, so we're gonna do something different."

"Different?" Karo asked. 

Belphie smirked and opened the bag, which led to a very audible tummy rumble from Beel. He and Karo couldn't help but laugh. He pulled out a snack - just one - and held it up. "Karo, say 'aaah'." 

She beamed at him and opened her mouth. "Aaah!" Belphie tried really hard to keep his blush down as he dropped the snack in her mouth. She was so darn cute about everything. 

"Now you give one to Beel."

"Just one?" 

"Just one," Belphie agreed, smirking at the pout.

It didn't last long though, as Karo held up the snack and said "aaah" to Beel. He eagerly opened his mouth for the treat, but shocked himself by blushing heavily once she leaned over to feed him. Karo didn't comment, but seemd to be rather proud of the fact.

Belphie fed her another, and she followed up with Beel - but Beel took her hand after stealing the snack from her fingertips. He couldn't help but kiss the palm of her hand. "You're... so cute," he mumbled. "I like this."

"I thought you would," Belphie said, pleased with himself. "Karo?" he held up another. 

She went for the treat, but instead he pulled it away, holding it above his head. "Beel gave you a kiss, don't I get one too?"

Karo paused and blinked before laughing and leaning in. "You're adding new rules," she told him. 

"Never said I couldn't," he answered, giving her a light peck on the lips before presenting her with the treat. The look of satisfaction in her eyes made his heart pound, and he could tell that Beel's was just as busy.

"My turn," Beel said quickly. Whether he meant for a snack or for a kiss... well. We shall see.

[florrickandassociates]

TGF Thoughts: 3x03-- The One Where Diane Joins the Resistance

Thoughts on this episode under the cut. I believe this is my shortest recap of the season even though it’s the longest episode ever of The Good Fight. 

I don’t like this episode title. It should be called “The One That’s An Hour Long” because that’s what I’m going to remember it as. This episode doesn’t feel padded-- there’s too much going on for it to feel padded-- but it does feel unnecessarily long.

A previously introduces Blum, again. I watched his antics three times last week; I can assure you I don’t need a reminder of what he’s like.

This is my second time through this episode, btw. The other episodes I’ve watched three times (morning of release, with my roommate, while writing these posts) but I told my roommate to go ahead and watch this one without me. Tbh, I’m not looking forward to sitting through it again. Y’all may be in for some nitpicking and ranting.

Lots of music this season: this ep starts off with a song about how 45 is hurting us with misinformation. This is the brilliant plan concocted by the resistance group Diane found while throwing axes. Diane thinks this video is terrible (she’s not wrong) but the rest of the crowd eats it right up.

Parts of this scene-- which satirizes liberals-- are funny. Other parts I’m not sure about. I can’t tell if the ASL interpreter is there because a gathering like this would, realistically, be inclusive or if I’m supposed to roll my eyes at how inclusive liberals are trying to be. I really, sincerely hope it’s the former.

Diane tries to ask a question and she’s overruled, but then some dude in the audience gets to ask a question. If I’m reading this right, they certainly got the sexism of liberal bros right.

The most accurate part of this satire happens next: an audience member points out that the video didn’t mention single-payer healthcare. The filmmaker, reasonably, says they couldn’t touch on every issue, but the audience member insists that single-payer healthcare is THE issue. Another audience member argues that THE issue is global warming. Then the entire crowd starts arguing. That is about how I’d expect this sort of meeting to go.

A middle-aged blonde woman taps Diane on the shoulder and asks her to follow. Diane does, as the entire crowd starts chanting “re-edit” at the filmmaker (which I don’t think would happen but whatever).

Outside, the blonde asks Diane if she wants “a mission.” “You have two options. You could go back in there and they’ll make you the co-chair of the subcommittee on bake sales [...] or you could do something. I’m looking for people who are sick of just bitching and moaning. People who are sick of screaming at the news,” the woman explains. She hands Diane a card with an address and walks away. (There’s no time on the card, but time doesn’t matter on this show.)

Roland Blum is back, and he’s fallen asleep on the RBL elevator. Lucca’s listening to a kid’s song (with no headphones!) when she notices Blum. Maia’s waiting in reception and tells Lucca that Liz wants to see her. Lucca worries she had a meeting scheduled and Maia goes to deal with Blum.

What if I just didn’t recap him? God, I’m tired of him existing.

Blum makes fun of Maia’s small, unassigned desk, which… can’t she just book a conference room for them? “Oh my fucking God, how can anyone take you seriously?” Blum asks. This is… one of the less offensive things he’s said, because it’s kind of true.

Blum notices that someone else has an office and asks Maia who it is. Instead of answering that she’s a co-worker, or with her name, Maia says “she’s a third-year too” which can only make the problem worse. Now it doesn’t just look like Maia works for a firm that’s pressed for space; it looks like Maia is one of the weaker employees at a firm that’s pressed for space.

Good lord. BOOK A DAMN CONFERENCE ROOM.

Lucca’s apologetic when she comes in for the meeting with Liz, but Liz says they didn’t have a meeting scheduled. Liz asks how matrimonial law is going; Lucca says it’s going well. Then Liz says she has a divorce referral for Lucca: herself.

“It’s a long time coming. We’ve had our tensions and, uh, barely even, uh,” Liz explains. That’s most of the explanation we get for why she wants to divorce. I wish we got a little more insight into what her marriage is like, but I don’t mind that much. Plus, we did see her husband being kind of awful with the client list in 2x10.

Also, Liz hasn’t yet told her husband she’s asking for a divorce.

Maia has found a conference room to use, finally. ASA Zschau walks in. He’s taking over the case for Matan and now I miss BrainDead. Also, Spencer Zschau has been an AUSA every time we’ve seen him and now he’s an ASA.

(Yes, I think it’s more important to note the change in Zschau’s job and that Maia found a conference room than it is to note anything plot-related in that scene.)

Liz asks her husband for a divorce the second he arrives home. Maybe not the best strategy. He does not take it well. Okay, I lied, I do want to know more about their marriage. Then again, I think that Ian’s sudden switch to BURN IT ALL DOWN mode (despite Liz’s plea to keep everything civil for their son) says a lot.

Diane goes to a creepy underground meeting spot and finds the Resistance. It’s full of white ladies, mostly around Diane’s age. It’s run by a Valerie Payser, who claims she worked in the Obama White House. All the white ladies eat her story right up.

This is another plot I don’t care much about, especially the second time through. My main comment on this scene is simply that it got New Rules stuck in my head.

Diane eats it right up. The Kings have mentioned that they considered bringing Alicia back for an episode where she and Diane meet at “the resistance” and if it was supposed to be this episode, I’m SO glad they didn’t. I don’t want Alicia back on the show. I don’t want Alicia on the show in a Diane plot (if she comes back it’s gotta be a Lucca plot). And Alicia would NEVER fall for this resistance bullshit. Diane I believe; she’s always been a little impulsive when she’s angry. Alicia? No.

LOL, I see we’re still doing the fake-but-could-plausibly-be-real-even-though-they-feel-like-a-hallucination news stories this season. (This one’s about cynaide in school lunches.)

Liz is no longer working with the DNC (Diane asks) because she was too radical. I thought that was exactly the reason they hired her?

To be fair to Diane, she does seem to want to check her sources on this underground resistance group; she says she wants to make sure it’s real. This is… not what she proceeds to do.

Maia has called a meeting of the name partners + Julius. “You told me last year that if I wanted anything at this firm, I have to ask for it. I want an office,” she declares. Go Maia! (Yes, I said that.)

“Uh, well, Maia, the issue here is space, and we wish we had more. We’re growing, and we hope that all associates, even second-years, will have an office,” Liz responds. Heh, Liz thinks Maia is a second-year and I see why she has that impression. Plus, does Maia’s first year really count since she didn’t do ANY work during it?

Maia corrects her. “I try not to make a fuss, but, Jenna Diamond. She was given an office, even though she joined the firm six months after me,” Maia argues. Well, is Jenna Diamond a more valuable asset for the firm? I’ve seen people at my company be promoted over others who have been there longer, and I don’t think that’s inherently unfair. Given how terrible Maia is at her job, I’m guessing that Jenna is just… better.

Or, as Julius explains, Jenna was on a big case and needed the space. This seems like a bad way to decide who gets offices. Why not hot desk the offices or give them for the duration of a case? Either base it off of performance/rank or don’t assign it permanently.

“And I’m working with Roland Blum,” Maia informs the partners. She informs the partners of this well after she deliberately causes a mistrial. So like, Maia’s now asking for an office because she didn’t ask for help or keep the partners posted on any development of a case they should’ve been looped in on AND she’ll now need to rework. The firm can’t be making much money off of this. If they were, Maia wouldn’t be handling it on her own.

I still don’t understand why Maia is handling ANYTHING on her own in the first place.

Maia says it’s embarrassing to work at her hot desk. Fair.

“She’s using Roland Blum to get an office,” Julius says after Maia leaves. “She still has a point,” Diane responds. “If we give her an office, we’ll have 20 other associates pounding on our door,” Julius continues. And that didn’t happen when they gave Jenna Diamond an office? This seems like a problem that would continue to happen if third-years are working cases without a second chair (or without being the second chair) but don’t have their own offices. Why not just have a few open offices you can hot desk in when you’re meeting with clients?

Liz steps out because Lucca’s got info from Ian’s lawyer. Ian wants to void the prenup, retain ownership of the house (which I think Liz got in her divorce from Adrian lol), and full custody. He also thinks Liz is hiding money at the firm. That escalated quickly.

He’s also going after Liz for adultery (it voids the prenup if she cheated). Lucca looks so uncomfortable talking to her boss about this!

Liz wants to know who Ian is accusing her of sleeping with. Lucca glances at Adrian’s office, but since Diane is still there, Liz initially thinks that Lucca is implying that Ian thinks Liz and DIANE had a thing. But no, he’s accusing Liz of sleeping with Adrian.

Credits! Is it me or did the opening of the theme music change this week?

Michael Sheen is credited with “special appearance by.” This gives me hope he won’t be in every episode.

Jenna’s office is now Maia’s, and I hope the partners understood what they were doing when they kicked someone out of their office for MAIA RINDELL. I don’t think they did, because Jenna’s left a note pad with the top sheet reading FUCK YOU on Maia’s chair. At the same time that I applaud Maia asking for things if she wants them, could she have worked out a deal with Jenna to use her office when Blum comes in?

Maia pastes the FUCK YOU note on the window-wall and smirks at Jenna. Yes, because what you really want to do when you’ve fucked over a coworker for funsies/because you’re entitled is to piss her off even more. I think we’ve established that Maia and I follow different logic.

Marissa-- who is not lacking in sass-- also disapproves of the FUCK YOU sign, but Maia doesn’t care. And then Marissa gets distracted by some resumes in Julius’s office and leaves.

Marissa walks into Julius’s office and says he’s running for a federal judgeship. She doesn’t ask, she says. She recognizes the campaign manager from one of her dad’s campaigns (I would LOVE an Eli cameo this season) and advises Julius not to keep campaign manager resumes out in the open. Good advice, but not immediately clear to me why Marissa is interested in advising Julius on how to successfully become a judge when she knows that he’s conservative.

Lucca, Liz, and Adrian discuss whether or not Liz and Adrian have recently had sex. Lucca is very uncomfortable and suggests that Liz hire another lawyer because of how personal this is becoming; Liz resists. Liz and Adrian insist it won’t get personal, then immediately begin whispering about the times they hooked up after their divorce (but before Liz’s second marriage). They’re not whispering quietly enough, which means that Lucca hears enough to look grossed out and I can hear enough to realize their dialogue ~what happened in the bathroom~ is very similar to Alicia and Will’s dialogue in 5x04.

Court stuff happens. Blum lies outrageously.

Maia praises Blum for lying outrageously in court.

Ian’s divorce attorney is the guy they didn’t hire at RBL last week. Wow, Ian isn’t playing around.

Marissa’s campaign advice is, as you would expect, great advice. And Julius wants more of it. Is Marissa doing this for free? Is she doing it because she wants to feel like she could do her dad’s job?

Ian had his detectives spy on Liz and Adrian so, yeah, I can see why that marriage failed. Liz and Adrian spent 3 hours together after Adrian was shot. Yes, so suspicious. The only thing they could possibly have done in three hours is fucking.

Adrian insists it was caretaking, not sex, and Jay is all, “for three hours?” Is it really so unreasonable that two people could spend three hours together and not fuck?!?!?!?

Maia realizes her client (and Blum’s client) are guilty. She’s stumped. Blum teaches her, yet again, how to make the facts fit the story. We get it. WE. GET. IT.

Also Blum’s story is so over the top no one would believe it. At least, I hope not…

Diane’s #Resistance decides to go after troll farms. Excuse me. They decide to go after a specific troll farm. But they only make that decision after an explainer song about troll farms. The troll farm song, actually, understand what this subplot does not: “we won’t ever beat ‘em ‘til we learn how not to feed ‘em.” Outing an office full of trolls is not going to shut down any of the other offices of trolls. It’s not even going to shut down this office of trolls. (Also, are troll farms literal offices? This seems unnecessary.) Teaching people to fact check and pressuring tech companies to prevent abuses of their platforms will do far more than whatever it is this #Resistance does.

(Of course, I get why Valerie thinks this is a good “mission”-- because she doesn’t give a fuck about missions-- but I don’t get why savvy computer woman, who would almost certainly know better, thinks it is.)

Blum is chilling in Diane’s office and they have a very long conversation about justice and politics and the necessity of lying and blah blah blah, these are not new themes.

The psilocybin is still in Diane’s desk even though we saw her throw it out.

Blum knew Jonas Stern. Oof. I buy that. I don’t necessarily think Stern (who I assume was liberal) and Blum were close, but I can see them being of the same era and even hanging out despite political differences.

Is Blum meant to be older than he looks? The people he mentions as his contemporaries are all way older than he is.

Diane calls Valerie and shares a brilliant idea we’ve only seen this show already do three to five times: CREATE THEIR OWN FAKE NEWS. WOWOWOWOW GROUND BREAKING.

Oh and the NSA nerds are back. This time they’re listening to Diane. Joy. Can’t we be done with this? Also, why did Valerie Payser, who isn’t real, get a cell phone registered to that name? She could just get a burner.

The White Lady Resistance (I think @Nikkaphon called it this first and that’s what it is) is having a great time making up fake news.

“Melissa Long” sounds so much like “Marissa Gold” that for a second I thought Marissa was volunteering to manage Julius’s campaign long before he asked.

Why does Jay think Liz and Adrian fucked?! He is like, very intent on proving this. I think he’s playing bad cop but it doesn’t sound like it.    

I’m not recapping every line of this-- mostly because I don’t have the patience to-- but the Liz/Adrian/Lucca plot was far and away my favorite plot of the week. It felt grounded, character-driven, and revealing… and it provided an excuse for Audra McDonald to sing!

(It’s a little strange having a character-driven plot in this VERY theme-driven episode of this mostly theme-driven show. It’s a reminder that I do tend to prefer character-driven shows to theme-driven shows. I prefer both to plot-driven shows, but I don’t think TGW or TGF will ever be plot-driven.)

I repeat: Audra McDonald is singing! I like that they have her sing in flashback so it’s not 100% clear if Liz has an amazing voice or if Adrian perceives Liz’s voice as amazing.

Isn’t this the same song that played over Cartoon Villain Rindell’s suicide attempt? Interesting choice. I am fully in support of reclaiming that song.

It’s fall in this episode but I think it’s meant to be spring. As I’ve said, this show does not care about time.

Blum misses court and Maia seizes a kind of shady opportunity to cut a deal that’s good for her client and bad for Blum’s client. Maia’s method involves tricking someone over the phone, which is the one thing Maia’s actually proven she’s good at.

Liz and Adrian’s innocent story works up until the point where a detective reveals he saw Liz buy the morning-after pill at Rite-Aid.

There are too many clowns in this season.

There was a riot at the troll farm and Diane jumps for joy. I’m kind of embarrassed for her.

Liz is in Diane’s contacts as “Elizabeth Reddick-Lawrence”

Diane calls Valerie to share word of the victory, but Valerie’s gone! The NSA is suspicious of Valerie’s disappearance.

It’s still storming. Melissa Long, Julius’s potential campaign manager, wants to charge him for an interview; Julus thinks that’s ridiculous. He then asks Marissa to run his campaign, and Marissa agrees. Next week-- or whenever we pick this plot up again-- can we please delve into her motivations for agreeing? I think right now it’s just that it inflates her ego.

Why did Liz buy the morning after pill? She didn’t want to have another child… with Ian.

Geoffrey Payton’s next attack is on RBL’s financials, specifically on the payments to “Reddick” in March. These are the payoffs for the women (four of them, which means there are actually at least five since Wendy wouldn’t accept payment) Carl assaulted, but Liz and Adrian don’t want to divulge that. It would ruin Carl’s reputation and, now, make the firm look bad (cover-up, not the crime), so Liz refuses to let this line of questioning go any further.

Lucca takes a minute-- and I really appreciate this-- to be disappointed in her hero. “I came to this firm because of him,” she says.

Liz demands full custody-- the one thing she’s unwilling to compromise on-- but gives in to Ian’s other demand to void the prenup. Poor Liz.

“I hate that he wins ‘cause of this,” Lucca says. “So do I,” Liz agrees.

The judge asks Adrian out. Curious where this will go.

Destroying the troll farm knocked two points off of 45’s approval rating. I don’t believe it. Valerie is missing and no one can find her. Diane says she’ll have her investigator look into it.

Diane sends Jay a text that says “no more texts” and contains sensitive information. This lands Jay on the NSA’s list. What is the point of a text saying no more texts? Just say you have something for him to work on, can you meet?

The NSA stuff isn’t bad, but haven’t we done this enough?

Blum is PISSED at Maia. He’s also being a hypocrite, but that’s the least of his character flaws. He growls and breaks Maia’s office’s window-wall with a laptop. Maia isn’t intimidated. She tells him off, and she actually had my support right up until she picked up the laptop (that is the property of the firm that employs her) and broke a second window-wall (of the firm that employs her and just gave her an office because she asked for one). I already thought her entitled ass was lucky to have a job, and now she’s going to go breaking her own firm’s property just to show her badassery? Just go back to the sunglasses, Maia.

Marissa gives her a look that encapsulates everything I just said, to which Maia responds, “The fuck are you looking at?” Okay Maia. Just because you’re a badass now doesn’t mean you have to be rude to your friends.

(As I’ve mentioned in past weeks, I’m just criticizing how terribly petulant Maia’s behavior is… somehow, I do think this is good character development for her. Maia turning into an entitled lying ball of resentment with a grudge against everyone who didn’t give her the world simply for existing is, in many ways, the natural place for her character to go. It doesn’t require her to suddenly become strategic, it doesn’t require her to become a brilliant legal mind, and it doesn’t require any rewriting of the fundamental traits of her character. I may not like or agree with new Maia, but likability is bullshit. If they can make this arc interesting, and justify its existence,  maybe I’ll even like it.)

Jay finds out that Valerie Payser doesn’t exist; she’s really a criminal who preys on rich liberal white ladies with lots of money. What a shock that a secret underground resistance of white ladies might be a scam.

Diane hallucinates/daydreams Blum singing “I’ll be there” in front of terrible green screen backgrounds and my only thought is NOPE.

Inspired by Blum and the strategy of LYING WORKS, Diane decides to fake an email (she is reading off a blank screen but she totally would’ve drafted this) from Valerie and let the White Lady Resistance continue.

Blum has Maia arrested for having hospice drugs. I assume he planted them recently, because if Maia had kept them around after Blum threatened to do exactly this last week, she’s even less bright than I thought.

Well, that’s over.

[fightmeyeats]

Three Years Late to the Party: A Critique of Predator/Prey Metaphors in Zootopia (2016)

I’m not sure why I am writing about Zootopia (2016). Although it was generally received very favorably (as I am writing this it has a 97% on Rotten Tomatoes), it was released over three years ago and  in many ways not a hugely significant film. Even stranger, perhaps, is that I initially intended to discuss Suicide Squad (2016), and then both films at once, and then--realizing I really had no interest in rewatching Suicide Squad, ever in my life if I can help it, I decided to instead discuss only Zootopia. At first glance one may wonder what these two films have in common--one is a children’s animated film which received a good deal of praise, the other a superhero action film which feels like a fever dream poorly cobbled together on iMovie (look, I’m not the only one who feels this way it has a 27% on Rotten Tomatoes). What I see as a common ground and in need of critique is the way both films handle racism and sexism. For the sake of readability I am going to try to keep this as short as I can, and again for the sake of my own sanity I’m going to discuss Zootopia but I’m more than happy to share my perspective on Suicide Squad (I do have a lot to say even without giving it a full rewatch, I just don’t want to launch into a critique when I can’t fully do it justice). In an attempt of brevity I am also going to focus on the implications of the metaphor(s) embodied in the prey/predator dynamic, at the exclusion of any discussion of the implication of the systems represented in the film and the way they shape ideologies of what counts as resolution to discriminatory practices (ie “acceptance” and “within the police force”).

Zootopia is centered around a predator/prey metaphor which encompases both racism and sexism in largely lumpy/uneven ways that ultimately are disengaging from real world race/gender politics and leave the metaphor deeply confused. What I mean by this is that the “prey” dimension seems to be attempting to address sexism as an oversimplified monolith, while the “predator” dimension seems to be addressing racism, again as an oversimplified monolith; thrown into this is the dimension of size, which also seems to be relevant to the characters’ experiences: a large prey animal, for example, seems to return to being coded masculine (perhaps these are the metaphoric white men? the legibility of this is difficult to determine, given the main example of a powerful prey figure is voiced by Idris Elba), as well as the fact that the predator dimension of the metaphor seems to swing back and forth from discussing the way masculinity (again monolithic) is viewed and how people of color are viewed, with no clear demarcation as to why the switch is being made.

In actual feminist discourses the main pitfall of race/gender binary approaches to understanding oppression is that it erases the experiences of women of color, but in the case of pop media it also becomes relevant to acknowledge that it also erases the privileged position of white masculinity. Take, for example, the choice to have Nick Wilde, the main predator character, voiced by a white man, and yet central to the argument of predator victimhood. There is a definite unevenness to the way in which these various metaphors are deployed throughout the film: the mayor, Mr. Lionheart is established as being in a privileged position, and his privilege/pompousness/power are the implicit motive behind the villain’s actions--he is voiced by a white man and it seems that he could be legible as a metaphor for (white) male privilege. At the same time, the disappearance of Emmitt Otterton (who does not have a speaking role) does not seem to be of huge concern: while sympathy is expressed towards his wife, Mrs. Otterton (who is voiced by a Black actress), Judy is ultimately assigned to the investigation because she volunteers for it under conditions which imply that the department is not willing to give the job to someone with more experience, and she does not have access to the full police resources to solve the case; furthermore, her assignment to solve his disappearance in two days is part of a wager, further suggesting that the police are not seriously concerned with his disappearance. All of this parallels a real life disregard for the lives of people of color especially by the police.

The way the news sensationalizes the fact that predators are supposedly going “feral” is also significant in this context: if the biases experienced by predator characters are intended to articulate racism, this could be commentary on the way people of color (and especially Black men) are represented as hyper-violent and a potential danger to white society in the real world. If, however, predators are intended to be privileged male figures like the mayor the suggestion may be that all men are viewed as violent/uncivilized and that this is harmful: a critique of critiquing “toxic masculinity” rather than “toxic masculinities” themself. Let’s break this down a little bit more, as it largely overlooks the ways violence and masculinity are actually intertwined in the Global North: first of all, it maintains an idea of white male victimhood which is initially suggested by Nick Wilde’s real world whiteness by implying that white men are viewed as violent in ways which broadly overlook the way that society hegemonically views men of color to be violent and violent white men to be outliers, despite actual trends suggesting otherwise (consider racism and the war on drugs/imagining of the “super predator,” hegemonic discourses on violence which surround mass shootings/acts of terror and how these shift based off the race/ethnicity of the shooter, the mass incarceration of men of color, the disproportionate nature of police violence and murder enacted on people of color). Secondly, it creates the insinuation that critiques of the way violence often becomes accepted and expected in many kinds of masculinities are more harmful to men than the way stoicism/rugged individualism/violence are so prevalent in masculine “norms.” Thirdly, it disengages with the real harm violent norms can and do cause women.

Part of what makes the dynamics of this metaphor so difficult to follow is that the film starts off from the position that Judy is facing discrimination which she must overcome, and then switches into the new position that Judy herself holds discriminatory beliefs. While there is value to this narrative arc: say we scrap the animal metaphor and Judy is, for example, a middle class white woman overcoming sexism to join the police force who then partners with Nick who is, to stick with the film's casting choices, a poor white man, or, to stick with the metaphor, a Black man, and in the process she realizes that oppression is multifaceted and she herself has internalized prejudices which affect other people’s reality; this could be a useful and important story. But because of the way the world is developed and because the writing is so focused on binary logics, we have a strange world where “prey” animals are discriminated against, but not the large ones, and “predator” animals hold positions of power (despite incompetence), but they also have to navigate discrimination and prejudicial tensions, and these tensions are heightened by attacks intended to heightened these fears, but the attacks are caused because a prey animal is tired of facing discrimination at the hands of the predators.

Let me give two further examples which I think can help clarify my point here: Officer Clawhauser (voiced by a white actor), who is shown to be well meaning and kind, but at the same time holds “soft” discriminatory beliefs towards Judy (although he apologizes when she comments on it) and is, frankly, not very good at his job. Most of his onscreen time at work involves him eating donuts and messing around on his phone; yet when he is fired because he is a predator it becomes a significant moment of compassion on Judy’s part where she realizes she must rethink her bias. Again, if “predator” is understood to be the stand-in for masculinity, we must also reconsider the stakes: why is Clawhauser viewed as being a better fit for the police academy than Judy in the first place? And what are the implications of his no longer being viewed this way? Why is his performance not considered at any point in his employment? Is the way he becomes viewed as a potential threat and is subsequently fired part of a patriarchal paranoid fantasy which is anxious that the integration of women on equal terms in the workplace will lead to a total dialectical switch of positions? And if so, why is this fear being articulated in 2016? On the other hand, if prejudice against predators is a metaphor for racism, it is difficult to understand why he got the job in the first place (he is not framed as being any sort of “diversity” hire in the way that Judy is).

A second example is that towards the end of the film Nick becomes upset, hurt, and angry to discover that Judy carries “Fox Spray” just to be safe; this commentary only holds up if the predator metaphor is one of race/racism rather than gender/sexism. What we, as an audience, have to ask is what the fox spray is intended to represent in the real world: is this a criticism of women carrying mace or other self-protection devices? Surely it cannot be intended to suggest that women need to consider how emotionally “hurtful” it might be for men to realize that women have to take extra precautions because of the legal and social structures which facilitate sexual assault and re-victimize survivors. So is “Fox Spray” the same as “[Racial/Ethnic Group] Spray”? The implications between these two interpretations vary widely, and the messiness of the metaphor leaves this commentary confused.

[dorleing]

Secret Santa 2018

Merry Crisis @disorganizedkitten !! Hope you enjoy!! Thanks to @mlsecretsanta for hosting it!

Alix had seen far too many pairs of underwear for it to be okay. Too many pairs that weren’t hers, period. 

“Oh my god, Kim. Pull up your trousers. You ain’t ever be gangsta. You look stupid.”

“You’re just jealous of my amazing butt muscles.”

Alix and Kim were in the lunch line, waiting to be fed a substandard meal. Kim had lost a bet against Ondine last week that he could hold his breath for longer than she could. His punishment was to wear something other than athletic clothes for a full week (including sleepwear!). Ondine had been hoping to see him dress in style, like maybe a button up shirt tucked into nice slacks, but it appeared that Kim was oblivious to more than just the people around him. He thought that 2012 American wannabe gangsta was perfect for him and his newfound “swag”, and delightedly showed off his plaid pairs every chance he got.

Alix thought that if she ever had to see a Gabriel waistband again, she would murder somebody. And it wasn’t just Kim; no, he set off a ‘retro’ trend around the entire school of Francoise Dupont. Only the few didn’t follow this trend: Adrien, because there was no way in hell his father would let him leave the house with his underwear showing (that was strictly for photo shoots), Ivan, a man of sense, and Max, who said suspenders were more necessary than ever with the current trend.

“You know what, Kim? I am jealous of your Kardashian rear. Because you can show your butt to anyone you like and go shirtless anywhere, but as soon as I show as much as a bra strap, I get called out for public indecency!” Kim went pffft at that. Alix had had enough of his attitude for one day. She looked down at her chest, and then out to the cafeteria where the student body was happily eating their meal. Giving Kim the side eye, Alix spoke. “I bet you 20 euros that I can get the staff to send me to the office for dress code violation in less than thirty seconds.”

“Y’know what, I actually want to see that. Deal.” They shook hands, and Alix ripped her shirt off. She tossed behind her and smirked at Kim. She was in a sports bra and thin-strapped cami, nothing exposed but her shoulders.

The vulture-eyed Mendelieve came storming over to them. “Miss Kubdel! Put your shirt back on immediately or I’ll have to give you a demerit for public indecency!” The fury in her face was palpable as she glared down her nose at the aforementioned student.

“No.” Alix crossed her arms and glared back, channeling as much defiance as she could muster, preparing to tantrum. 

Apparently, it worked, because she had no less than two staff members escorting her to M. Damocles office a minute later, Kim giving her a look of respect as she was frog-marched from the cafeteria.

“Miss Kubdel, would you please put a shirt on while I’m talking to you,” Principal Damocles said, holding out a large t-shirt to her while facing away.

“Why?” Such a simple question, Alix thought. One that would really help her prove a point.

“W-why? P-please, child,” Damocles spluttered. “I simply cannot talk to you when you’re in such a state. It’s indecent, and frankly, distracting.”

Alix allowed herself to gasp with dramatics Chloe would approve of. “I’m distracting to you?” Alix shifted her weight to one side. “Do I need to call another teacher in here, M. Damocles?”

“Of course not!” Damocles snapped. “Why would we need someone else to help me discipline you?”

“Oh, they wouldn’t be for you.” Alix sneered. “They would be here for my protection, obviously.” M. Damocles looked a bit confused. “Y’know,” Alix started. “To keep me, a minor who hasn’t finished maturing into an adult body, from being preyed upon by an adult man in power,” His eyes widened at her statement. Damocles stammered again.

“I am not- I would never- That is an outrageous claim-”

“Is it though?” Alix said. “You are always alone in here when students are sent in, and you are well known for getting students to behave after they see you. How can anyone be sure you’re not persuading any student who comes in here? All it would take is one person…”

“Get out.” He said. “Put a shirt on and get out of my office.”

Alix smirked. Grabbing the shirt off the desk she sauntered out of his office, knowing she was twenty euros richer and had a plan of action on her side. Now all she needed was support.

 “Ailx, you know I fully share your sentiments, but are you sure this is a good idea?” Marinette said from behind her sketchbook. The Girl Squad was gathered on the steps of Trocadero, with the addition of the newly indoctrinated Chloe and Sabrina, who were off to the side absorbed with their phones.

“Absolutely, Mari. I am sick and tired of the blatant sexism happening at school. I want to be able to show my shoulders at school if the guys walk around with their pants around their ankles.”

“I’m in,” said a voice from the edge of the group. Everyone looked over in surprise at Chloe examining her nails. “What? Just because I dress more effeminate than all of you doesn’t mean I don’t want freedom of choice.”

“Yeah,” Juleka spoke up from Rose’s lap. “I’m sick of teachers saying my ripped leggings show too much skin.”

“I remember I’ve been told to zip my hoodie up because my shirt was too low cut. I can’t help that I’m busty and the girls do what they want from time to time.” Mylene offered.

“I can do an expose on the school blog to help gain more support,”

“I can make posters!”

The girls started shouting about how they could help Alix. She smirked at Marinette’s new look of resolve.

“Okay, Alix, but I can’t do my part alone. You all will need to chip in with supplies, and come in for fittings.” Everyone started nodding. “But! I’m not a miracle worker. I’m thinking I can finish these in three? weeks with help.”

“My daddy’s started being a bit too old-fashioned for my tastes lately, so I’ll handle material expenses.” Chloe smirked.

Alix brought a notebook out of her bag. “Now here’s a bunch of points to take note of when we start researching our arguments, and I also brought a copy of our school’s dress code,”

 Marinette was yawning, trying to finish the first set of outfits by the end of the weekend. Alya had left a few hours ago, being the last to go home of all the girls helping put together the new outfits. A thump from her roof and one “Hello, Princess!” later and she had a new helper. Chat Noir was surprisingly knowledgeable of the specific stitches Marinette was using to create the illusionary effects.

“I may not have your amazing skills, Princess, but I am purrfectly well versed in your lingo,” He said, nuzzling into her neck as she was trimming a hem. Marinette failed to hide her blush, his quiet laughter ringing into the night.

 Alya’s eyes were drooping. Her laptop screen was too bright, and her head hurt, and she wasn’t finding reliable sources on dress codes at the moment, and she-

Nino’s ringtone called out like a beacon in the night. Alya lept from her chair to grab her phone on the bed. “Hey, Nino,” She said, trying to not sound too eager and out of breath. “What’s up?”

“Nuthin’ much, babe. Just wanted to see if your super-secret research had killed you yet.” Alya could hear his eyeroll and burning curiosity. “And to say goodnight in person.”

“Nino, you can’t call it ‘in person’ if it’s over the phone,” She corrected, teasing him back.

“I know,” He laughed. His breathing was a bit labored, she noted. “Are you hungry?”

“A bit- why?” Her doorbell rang, and she gasped. “NINO, you didn’t-” she said, launching herself out of her room and tore down the hall.

“I did,”

She wrenched the front door open to see a flushed Nino with a bag of food and a phone to his ear, grinning like an idiot. Both phones fell to the ground a moment later as the two nerds collided.

 “Hey ladies,” Adrien crept up behind Marinette, spooking the poor girl. “I heard through the grapevine that you’re planning a protest.”

“So what about it?” Alix narrowed her eyes at him. “What d’ya want to know?”

Adrien looked at her curiously from his place on Marinette’s shoulders. “I want in.”

“what”

“I want to partake in your protest. Wear what you’re going to wear, help highlight double standards, bring in a privileged face. That sort of thing.”

“Fine,” Alix snapped. The other girls gave her a look of surprise. “What? I just wanted to keep it secret for a bit longer, but some how this nerd,” she shook her fist at him in jest. “caught wind and I don’t want him letting the cat out of the bag,”

Adrien snorted at the last bit and Marinette shoved him off her. “Will your father even allow it?”

“What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him. Probably. Hopefully.” Adrien said with a grimace.

“Well then, I guess we’ll tell you more over lunch, but only if you’re buying,” Marinette called over her shoulder and sauntered away. Rose nearly fainted, with Juleka catching her before she hit the ground. Then Juleka dragged the still-swooning Rose down the hallway to their next class.

“Hey!” Alix snapped her fingers in front of Adrien’s dumbstruck face. “Lover boy!”

“Hmm?” Adrien snapped his eyes to hers. “Did you say something?”

“I said,” Alix muttered. “You’re a hopeless case. C’mon, let’s get to class. I don’t want to miss Chloe’s compliments today.”

That’s all for now, but I’ll have the next chapter out soon!

[autistic-bee-blog]

Things I didn't know are related to me being Autistic until I got older:

-Sensory processing issues that affect personal hygiene, clothing, and appearance:

.My sister hates having her hair brushed, because it hurts her scalp

 .I used to go without brushing my teeth because I couldn't stand the sensation

.I couldn't wear jeans as a kid without screaming and being sent into a meltdown

.I have to keep my hair short because I can't stand the feeling on the back of my neck

.My sister has to wash her hair and body over and over to calm down/regulate her sensory issues

-Unusual posture or gait:

.Can look like limping, and did raise comments from my parents ('why are you walking on the outsides of your shoes?' 'I didn't realize I was?')

.Sometimes I have balance issues when I am barefoot, or I feel like I'm walking unevenly because the soles of my feet feel too light

.In terms of posture, I am very rigid and stiff, and I sit and stand very straight (part of this is due to my chronic back pain), and I often look into the distance or up at the ceiling. I might be described as aloof, distracted, pensive, or worried, but it isn't necessarily true. It's just how I sit!

.(My sister is the complete opposite: she hunches over whatever she's doing or looks at her hands.)

-Problems with figurative language (not JUST sarcasm, ughhhh):

.I always had trouble with idioms. Think "The grass is always greener on the other side" (I'm like, "Well, I don't know about greener but technically atmospheric perspective says that the farther in the distance an object is, the bluer it becomes"). Or "You want to have your cake and eat it too" ("Yes, because what would I do with an entire cake if I'm not going to eat it?" This is a ridiculous expression, and I'm never going to change my mind about it.)

.I do have problems with sarcasm sometimes, but that's gotten better as I've aged, and a lot of it has to do with how well I know the person speaking, or if I can read their facial expressions/body language.

-Spatial awareness disabilities, dyslexia, and dyscalculia all have a high comorbid rate with ASD:

.I got nailed with the spatial awareness/visual processing disability and dyscalculia.

.To understand the spatial awareness disability and its extent into my daily life, imagine you are a 4 year old in a bowling alley and you are bowling for the first time. You get a 13-pound ball, and there are no bumpers, and no slide to maneuver the ball with and help aim. Now you have to try and get a strike. For me, the whole world is a bowling alley and tHERE ARE NO BUMPERS

.(I also don't drive largely because of this and limited time in my life at the moment, though I do plan on learning in case it does become necessary.)

.Dyscalculia is sort of like dyslexia, but with numbers and mathematical expressions (it is a thing. It exists, and I didn't know until I was taking pre-calc as a junior in high school and my mom told me about it.)

.For me, it is aggravated by glowing screens and I have a much harder time reading if it is online (which sucks, because now they're putting all the testing and homework online and so me and every other person dealing with this is just internally screaming.) I switch numbers around, delete numbers, and have problems reading graphs (trigonometry was a friggin treat, let me tell you)

.My sister has no spatial awareness issues (as she has demonstrated with her coordination, proclivity for geometric puzzles, Minecraft and other video games that require a certain extent of awareness of what is around you and what will happen if you move this here, etc) She does seem to have some issues with reading and switching letters around and skipping lines, but I don't know if she was ever diagnosed with dyslexia or dyscalculia.

-Poor handwriting, coordination, interpretation of directions:

.My handwriting is....improved from the fifth grade lol.

.It's crooked and sometimes I write outside the margins without meaning to, and some of my letters look like other letters.

.When I was a kid, I had such problems even HOLDING a pencil that they let me type all of my assignments.

.In my American Literature class, the girl next to me was watching me write and she said that I don't slant my pencil, I hold it straight up-down, which seemed to interest her and the teacher. I shrugged it off, but that's part of my handwriting/coordination stuff.

.I am clumsy: I've had trouble opening my pill bottles, drinking beverages without spilling them on myself, and reaching to grab stuff at a distance. It's not very noticeable, and it doesn't really interfere with anything in my daily life.

.I do have trouble with bigger things, like dancing or running, and I had a waiver for my physical education classes as a child for those reasons.

.Interpretation of directions kind of relates to the spatial awareness issues, and it is awful.

.I had a friend try to drive me home once and she ended up being an hour late for dinner with her family. I was so horrified and I avoid accepting rides from anyone that doesn't already know about my issues.

.When I was a kid, I had trouble tying my shoelaces and putting on shoes because I couldn't tell the difference between left and right. That went on until I was 7 or 8, I think.

Anxiety, feeling tired all of the time, and shutdowns:

.I also have an anxiety disorder along with being Autistic, and they "feed" off of each other. So I might already be having trouble speaking or I might be experiencing sensory issues, but then my anxiety will piggyback on those issues and I'll obsess over them until I'm even more stressed out.

.I've had anxiety attacks, panic attacks, and meltdowns, and it can be difficult to tell the difference between them many times. Sometimes a meltdown will evolve into an anxiety attack, or vice versa.

.Due to sensory processing issues, anxiety, other mental health stuff, and the effort it takes to even go about my daily life, and occasionally pass as neurotypical, I do feel tired all the time. I don't really sleep more than average though, and I also deal with insomnia, so my average time sleeping can be from 4-8 hours.

.During a shutdown, I can dissociate, go partially nonverbal, or nonverbal. I will stare into the distance, or at my hands, and feel completely numb. It is a horrible feeling. I don't know how else to describe it.

.I also have problems with trauma-related responses, so those can also add to shutdowns, or mimic shutdowns.

.(People have also pointed out that PTSD can have symptoms that can look like ASD, and vice versa. Think: exaggerated startle response, shutdowns and dissociation, stiff or upright posture, etc. Also there are Autistic people who unfortunately also have PTSD, especially from abuse or bullying which can be related to the bigotry against their Autism and cruel treatment of them by peers, therapists, teachers, parents, and caregivers.)

Auditory processing issues:

.This is so extensive, I can't even put it all down.

.When listening to other people, music, or television, sometimes words begin to sound like SOUNDS and not words. Other times, I can't keep up with processing individual sentences or words and my brain will just blank. Other times, I might think a person said one thing, when they really said a word that sounded similar.

.I ask people to repeat themselves, several times, especially if I don't know them well (I am less likely to be looking at their face/mouth if that is the case too).

.I also watch videos and movies with subtitles.

.My hearing itself is fine, it is only related to my brain processing the words and sounds. The same way my eyes themselves are fine, but I have trouble interpreting directions, sizes, and distances due to the spatial awareness disability.

Synesthesia, perfect pitch, and positive sensory experiences:

.My mom's side of the family is very musical, and so is my younger sister (also on the spectrum). She has perfect pitch, and so does my mother (likely undiagnosed due to limited knowledge of Autism when she was growing up, and due to sexism in the medical and mental health fields)

.We all experience sensory issues, which can be negative, but we also all experience good sensory inputs that other people do not always detect.

.For example, we all experience synesthesia, in different ways. In music, I associate certain notes and pitches with colours, or words. I might hear a song and associate it with the colour turquoise, or I might here a chord and associate it with being "bitter" or poison green.

.My sister and I like to describe the pictures we see listening to music, and it's always funny when one of us says something and then the other goes "Exactly! That's what I was seeing/hearing too!"

.My mom associates certain notes and songs with colours, but she also does so with days of the week, and with people.

.I'm not as musically adept as my mother and sister, but I am into visual arts such as painting, sketching, and sculpting.

.I like to do things in black and white, and then try to "balance" multiple pictures to form a larger piece. I can step back and see blankness, and see what needs to go where to make it feel "complete."

.I also use a lot of colours in some pieces, and I'm very good at discerning multiple shades in one section, even when they are very similar pigments

.My proportions are interesting in that I draw things more elongated than they are, and I might size different things bigger or smaller than they are in real life when I am copying something. I've had art teachers comment on it, and they, interestingly, were always the ones most interested in hearing about my spatial awareness and Autism.

Those are just some of the things I thought I should share. I'm curious to see if any other Autistic people have similar experiences to share (feel free to do so!) As always, this is from my perspective, so every single thing might not ring true for every single person on the spectrum. I hope this is of some use, or at least relatable to other Autistic people, or maybe even insightful for anyone wondering if they might be Autistic.

-

[violetsystems]

#personal

I’m a little drained from this last week but not so much in a bad way.  I had a music friend visit from New York this weekend and had people over for the afternoon.  We played Street Fighter, dj’d in the backroom and ate burritos.  People from New York are a lot more supportive of us than the cool crowd in our hometown.  It’s a lot more diverse out there and a lot less sheltered.  People shut down in this city over confrontation.  Sometimes it’s completely selfish especially amongst transplants trying to take over.  I was talking to a friend about the frustrations with organizing especially when prejudice arises.  That quote today from Angela Davis really struck me that there is this sort of complacency with just being ‘non-racist.’  You have to call it out.  No matter whose feelings it hurts.  I’m white.  Most of my good friends aren’t.  Some are.  But none of us tolerate a lot of phobias.  Our friend from New York is Puerto Rican.  He was staying in a Mexican neighborhood.  Our Indonesian friend came out early last year.  I could tell he felt a little uncomfortable mentioning it to me.  I was supportive.  I think sometimes that’s all you have to be.  And to listen.  And to sometimes offer a different environment for people to hang out in.  I don’t know much about safe spaces other than my own home.  I’ve hosted a lot of people all over the world here from as far as Finland to Japan.  I never got a badge or anything for it.  I don’t know that there’s a point to that.  You do the things and make the choices that define who you are out of free will pretty much.  I never expect anything back other than to promote an environment that respects people as people.  People should know me by now at least on that level.  And believe me there’s times when people believed the opposite for absolutely no valid reason at all.  People are afraid.  Sometimes people are in over their head in fear.  It’s a slippery slope.  Fear drives a lot of phobias.  Many of them impede on the freedom and peace of mind of others.  A conscious decision has to be made to give into that fear.  And sometimes people are powerless to choose otherwise.  Unless of course you operate from a position of power and privilege.  Then what exactly is the excuse for all this anyway?

If there’s one thing about feeling awkward consistently is you learn ways to improve on the way you communicate things.  You also learn when it’s proper to stand up for yourself and when it’s time to let someone else speak.  I don’t think checking your own power and privilege is a bad thing.  In fact I think that privilege and power exists to manipulate you.  I work a lot.  I’ve done a lot of volunteer work.  I learned a lot about group dynamics and motivation.  I learned that through utter failure.  Sometimes volunteer work is like watching a car wreck in slow motion and you are the superhero trying to stop time.  Sometimes it’s probably a two person job.  Often you can only rely on yourself.  Organizing people is hard.  Often luck and probability have the most impact on how successful you are.  Also money.  And volunteer work often has no budget other than what you seek out from corporations.  I’ve had to do that painfully boring sort of hustle.  For a Korean festival in Chicago that ended up going completely under.  And I saw that happen very slowly.  And I was forgotten and so were the politics aside from the two Chicago newspapers that interviewed me about the failure.  This is years ago at this point.  I gained nothing.  Nobody cared.  I was still just as problematic as I was when I first started watching anime and eating gimbap.  I say this sarcastically but I’m not sensitive about it.  I make jokes about myself all the time.  White people are super sensitive.  White racists even more so.  There’s a Steve Bannon lecture happening at another school people are protesting.  They stood up and actually argued the tired “artistic freedom” argument we’ve heard over and over on Fox news and whatever high bandwidth low brow conservative media source is out there.  Back in the day my school almost lost funding because of a piece by an artist named Dread Scott.  He encouraged people to walk on a flag.  His work is about being Black in America.  How that feels.  Maybe some white people don’t understand how painful that history can be.  How could they when they don’t listen, support, and empathize?  That requires the ability to process emotion and feel things like genuine remorse and pain.  A platform which Steve Bannon knows all too well.  For supporting the Black struggle we risked Federal aid and however you feel about money or Steve Bannon, you can see a stark contrast and a drastic step backward in America.

I’m as tired as anybody of it.  I used to fight skinheads back in the day at a goth club where I met my current boss.  She was working at an Occult bookstore and writing pieces for Propaganda magazine years back.  She happened to be a Japanese woman and a pretty fiercely independent one at that.  We don’t always get along.  We definitely don’t share the same kind of personal life.  But I respect her and listen to what she has to say because she is the boss.  My staff has always been diverse.  They challenge me every day on stuff.  Sexism, Racism, so many isms in the workplace that we talk about openly.  And we try to create an environment that respects diversity and shares power.  I know it sounds communist as fuck.  But it makes working together a lot more rewarding.  Which is why I don’t fucking understand why people are afraid of confronting their own intolerance.  Fear basically.  What it will drag to the surface.  What you will be forced to live with openly.  There’s that quote about men and rape culture how we are now living in a state of constant awkwardness when dealing with women.  And how women have been living with worse for a long time.  I don’t need a badge for any of this shit.  I’m not the sheriff of this town.  I don’t run the fucking internet.  I am exhausted with the way the world is against us all.  And I’m doing my part to fix that.  I was trying to imagine today a communist Yacht Club and what that would look like.  I don’t particularly have the money to afford a yacht.  I got hit with a massive tax bill this year.  I’m paying it.  I decided to postpone a trip to Japan this spring because of it.  Two days later I found out I’m on a tour with someone from Japan in America now for two weeks.  So it balances out with clear intention.  My tv also fell off my table on Sunday and broke magically.  Replacing it was kind of an either or type of situation.  I’m still trying to stick to the predictability of a budget.  I’m still trying to figure out how to adjust and stand on my own.  I said today kind of angrily that I felt sorry about somebody’s graduate thesis about me turning out to be fan fiction.  It wasn’t meant to hurt any more than it hurt me all these years.  I’m not so sensitive about these things anymore.  I’ve grown and learned how to be a better person.  I can only speak to my strengths and weaknesses but I’ve done more than enough to prove my worth.  A lot of quotes by Ursula K. Le Guin hit me yesterday.  The one about pain, boredom and evil the most.  Bored enough to own a yacht and share it.  I don’t think there’s enough Michael McDonald records in the world to make me suffer that particular brand of communism.  Maybe I should confront the entire discography just to be sure.  <3 Tim