#deeply personal way. since let go of that because there are meaningful differences and while shizune's story is a familiar one of

[youhideastar]

WujiWatch: CQL Rewatch Episode 12

So recently this meta about Jiang Cheng by @travelingneuritis rolled across my dash again, to my delight, and it made me think more deeply about the scene from this episode where, while Cloud Recesses is under attack, Lan Xichen tries to send Lan Qiren away with the Lan Sect’s books. As Lan Qiren correctly points out, though, that is not on: Lan Xichen is the sect leader, so even if no one else survives, he must, because otherwise, the sect itself will die. I assume this scene doesn’t exist in the book, because Lan Xichen is not the sect leader at the fall of Cloud Recesses there, so it’s interesting to think about why the writers included it in the drama. And since the meta linked above was fresh in my mind when I rewatched this episode, I couldn't escape the feeling that this scene is actually meant to reflect on Jiang Cheng. Hear me out!

You should read the whole thing, because it's excellent, but as relevant here, @travelingneuritis’s meta says: “Jiang Cheng’s willingness to lay down his life in Yiling to prevent Wei Wuxian’s capture was noble, loving, generous– but it was not proper for him to do because, as sect leader with no heir, his survival was more important than Wei Wuxian’s. His act of love was personal and therefore indulgent.” Framed like that, it's hard not to think of Lan Xichen’s attempt to sacrifice himself for Lan Qiren—another attempt by a sect leader to sacrifice himself for a loved one when annihilation of the sect is a very present threat—as somehow related. But how?

Well, first, the scene lays out precisely the in-universe rule the post references: straight from the mouth of Lan Qiren, Mr. Rules himself, we hear unequivocally that the sect leader’s job is to survive and that it is improper for him to instead prioritize his loved ones’ survival. But second, I think the fact that Lan Xichen tries to do the same darn thing in fact normalizes Jiang Cheng’s societally improper but loving decision. Lan Xichen is, especially in the pre-resurrection episodes, very much portrayed as both a Very Good Guy and a Responsible Grown-Up. In fact, in the Cloud Recesses Arc, being the Responsible Grown-Up whose presence means that nothing can be really all that wrong is like, his whole function (well, that, matchmaking, and delivering exposition). If Responsible Adult Lan Xichen, too, when the chips are down, chooses a person he loves over the future of his sect, then I think we’re meant to see that tendency as natural and, indeed, inevitable.

I can certainly see some counterarguments, however: first, there’s a filial piety aspect here that’s not present in Jiang Cheng’s decision, since Lan Qiren is Lan Xichen’s elder and the person who raised him; and second, uh, in the post-resurrection arc, letting his personal feelings get in the way of his better judgment and thus revealing himself to not be the Responsible Grown-Up is going to be Lan Xichen’s new whole thing. So arguably this scene is just foreshadowing, instead. (I don’t see a big difference based on the fact that Lan Xichen has Lan Wangji as his heir; as Lan Xichen and Lan Qiren acknowledge in this scene, they have no idea where he is at this point and he may already be dead, so relying on him to carry on the sect is at least as dubious as Jiang Cheng relying on his sickly sister or non-bloodline head disciple for the same.)

Of course, the other meaningful difference between Lan Xichen’s sacrifice and Jiang Cheng’s is that Lan Xichen tells the person he loves what he’s trying to do, thus giving Lan Qiren a chance to refuse that sacrifice—which he does.

Man, this got so long—I ran out of space to talk about Mianmian the Political Operative saving Jin Zixuan’s bacon! Hopefully there will be another opportunity.

[lonelier-version-of-you]

So, shall we all congratulate Sah Brockner on working what must be the longest notice period in Holbyverse history? Most characters don't even seem to work one at all.

Putting the jokes aside: I thought Casualty was brilliant tonight. Faith not being in it went some way to making sure of that - I'll savour this moment, I'm sure it won't happen again for months - but it was also just very well-written and well-acted. Also, it had plenty of the social commentary that Casualty needs.

I am going to miss Sah very, very much. I have to say: I am very sad indeed about Sah leaving. I don't think I've been so "I get why they left but I'm also incredibly sad they can't stay forever" about a character since Jade. Sah has been a great character - they've been quiet, sarcastic, a bit socially awkward, sometimes cold but deeply caring when it comes down to it, occasionally stubborn, a fast learner, passionate about what they believe in and willing to stand up for others. (I also interpreted them as autistic.)

Oh, and they happen to be nonbinary.

Casualty has done a lot for trans representation with Sah and for that I will always be tremendously grateful. Has everything about how their character has been handled been perfect? No. I've critiqued things about their portrayal before and those still stand. But, as you can see, I just wrote a whole paragraph describing who Sah is without having to mention that they're nonbinary once - because while it's a significant aspect of who they are, just as something like their mum not being around for them or them being a carer for their dad has been, it's not the only trait Casualty gave them.

There are many, many trans characters out there who may have been well-meaning attempts at representation but are nonetheless tokenistic portrayals with few to no personality traits or stories beyond being trans - which doesn't exactly do anything to change the stereotype that we push our "lifestyles" on everyone all the time, does it? (I think stories about being trans can absolutely be worthwhile, so it's mostly the characters themselves I'm talking about: IMHO, they need more to describe them than just "oh, they're the trans one!" to be good representation.) But Sah was different. I don't know that I'd say Sah was groundbreaking, but they've certainly been meaningful representation to me. For one thing, they've been written in a way that has let them have stories that are about them being trans and stories that have nothing to do with them being trans, which is great.

I'd also like to say that Arin Smethurst's acting as Sah has been great throughout their time on Casualty! It's been very lucky to have them.

I thought how Sah leaving was handled in the story was very well-done too. It was very believeable and didn't feel too sudden or anything like that at all. Their faith in the world and in their profession was so very shaken - I can understand why they would just want to get out after that.

Their last scene was particularly excellent. Obviously, I was jealous when they got a hug from Jacob. Their hugs with Jan and Iain were also so cute. And the silent farewell with Teddy - that just got to me. I've read Sah and Teddy as being in love with one another for a long time now, but even if they weren't romantically in love, there was clearly a very deep love of some kind between them so this last scene was just so sad to see.

Speaking of which, there seems to be a running theme now of characters leaving because they just can't take it anymore. Now I'm wondering if that's how Charlie will leave. I'd think that more impactful if there hadn't been a fakeout version of it quite recently, but oh well.

After all this time, a proper storyline for Jacob! I'm sort of sad that Sah left this week because it means I had to type all that out instead of getting to put Jacob at the top when he finally gets a proper story, lol. He was brilliant tonight, absolutely brilliant. I cannot say enough how much I love him. And we got an allusion - a subtle one, but I thought it spoke volumes - to his trauma. I love it when the writers remember things like that, especially in contexts like this Stevie story where it's definitely needed. As always, Charles Venn was so good!

The story with Habid was, I thought, one of the best patient storylines in a long time. A very emotionally impactful storyline - it made me cry, even - and much-needed social commentary. It's a story I'm glad Casualty told.

Now, as for the rest:

The Max, Jodie, and Stella scenes were very good, as was the scene with Max and Stella alone. Nigel Harman was incredible in that scene between Max and Stella. I'm so sad that Max will be leaving so soon. And I'm sad that his backstory almost certainly won't get to come through properly before he does.

I like that Jodie is unsure of what to do about Max. It feels very realistic.

I keep saying Max is like a neo-Henrik, and once again it was very clear tonight. That scene where he was basically telling Jodie he didn't know what he was doing but he did want the three of them to get to know one another as family - that was so sweet.

I did think the story with the other woman Jodie was treating was a bit boring, but I get why it was there - so that Jodie would think everything with Max over a bit more.

The camerawork in some scenes made me feel somewhat dizzy, but as usual recently, that was probably the point so I don't particularly mind it.

Stevie's characterisation was very interesting. I can't wait to see where this goes for her. Her interactions with Jacob were fascinating, because it made me think back on Jacob last spring, in a somewhat similar situation - both Stevie and Jacob respectively are/have been blaming themselves for something, but Jacob ran from it and switched professions, while Stevie is gripping on as tightly as she can to any sense of control. She was very unlikeable at some points tonight, which is something I wouldn't normally say as a Stevie fan, but I'm sure it's intentional.

I don't like Harry. I can't tell if we're supposed to like him. I hope we're not, because I don't.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm vaguely interested in the Natalia and Iain storyline. It sort of makes sense that she'd feel an unrequited interest in him. I mean, it's cliche if that's where it's going but it also makes sense. I think Natalia wants comfort and a nice, present parental figure more than anything else, but will misinterpret her feelings as romantic. I've had similar moments, so I can relate to that. Seeing how he responds, and when he inevitably has to turn her down, might be interesting. I just want Faith herself to be kept out of it.

So, yes, tonight was great. I have no idea what's meant to be happening next week. I hope Jacob's in it again with another proper storyline.

[romanticizingmurder]

i know ur blog has more of a jason focus not a dick focus but since u posted NTT it unlocked a memory: at some point (i think batman year 3?) dick compares loving bruce to loving an alcoholic father, like directly compares bruce's dependency on crime/he can be a good dad sometimes but he just... gets wrong sometimes! it's a take that i personally am obsessed with but idk what ur thoughts on it are/were, maybe esp w/r/t say, jason's backstory? >:3c

I've seen that page!! I really like it. So I think this is one where I have to make the disclaimer that I think actual canon on Bruce as a parent is incredibly inconsistent. Especially wrt Jason, his post-crisis time unfortunately was just so short I don't think we had time to see how that dynamic might have played out. The Cult has some interesting stuff in it (and gorgeous art) with Jason having to be in charge at points while Bruce is unable to be but that's only a 4 issue series.

So! Headcanon central:

I tend towards the idea that Jason was the kid Bruce most acted like a parent towards as a child. I don't think the level of parentification that Dick had was nearly so present for Jason and I think that kind of reflects in how they think about Bruce! Dick has this fear of disappointing Bruce but also of his absence harming Bruce. He feels like he needs to be there to watch out for Bruce and be his support.

Otoh, Jason's major post-resurrection crisis is fueled by this belief that Bruce has failed him as a father by not avenging him. In some ways I think part of why Jason can hurt Bruce so badly is that Jason doesn't feel that obligation to protect Bruce or be in any way the bigger or more mature person - that's his Dad.

I think one of the tragedies of Jason and Bruce is that they can't go back. Some things change who you are so completely you can never turn the clock back. Jason is still Bruce's son, but they'll never be like that again. I actually desperately want canon to have them both acknowledge that - that they're both grieving the loss of each other, and the loss of the boy Jason was who will never return. And maybe they can't have that story back, but they can write a new one, figure out how to exist with each other in ways that don't hurt, how to fit their sharp edges together. Okay sorry that was a tangent I have a lot of thoughts on changing and mourning re: Them.

In terms of the alcoholic analogy I honestly think Jason could go either way with it? Something I was thinking about with this is I think out of the Gotham vigilantes, Jason, Cass, and Bruce are the least likely to put down the mask. I'm not going into Cass because I'm not qualified but! For Jason, his civilian life is...over. He's been removed from the non-cape world for years. I don't think he's ever going to build it back up in a meaningful way - even when I picture him retired, I can't really picture him with non-cape friends. That's just me, though. But Bruce... Bruce can't stop, because he can't. He has a life outside Batman, but the guilt and fear and shame and sense of duty won't let him leave the cowl behind. So I think on one hand Jason might agree with the alcoholic analogy because his situation is different to Bruce's, on the other hand he might kind of just view them all as dependants on this lifestyle. They're all going to die in their masks (some of them twice).

And just in general, my preferred Bruce is deeply flawed but trying Bruce. I think Bruce is at times a pretty terrible father, in canon. Not for lack of love, but because he's a man with severe mental health concerns who refuses to get help and spends his nights in an endless and largely futile quest fueled by survivor's guilt. That doesn't make the best formula for a stable father but, at least for my headcanons, I like to think that he tries so damn hard. He loves his children. The tragedy is never a lack of love.

Sorry I don't know if I really answered your question but I guess here's a long ramble on Bruce and Jason's family dynamics?

[lovecolibri]

SaL anon here bestie, here to join in on the dissatisfaction train if your up for it. Let's list off somethings shall we and see what they remind you of. Relationships, romantic and platonic, that sucked people in in the initial seasons being now completely neglected/non-existent. A beloved character constantly being regressed to old behavior because the showrunner can't seem to come up with a storyline for them that shows their growth. Bottle episodes that don't make any sense to pop up when

they do since it delays other key plot lines. Events that should be impactful to multiple characters don't lead to any meaningful interactions. People getting criticized for pointing out how poorly things are being handled by other fans who insist it's the best thing ever. And let's not forget forcing unlikable/self-insert characters down our throats in places they don't belong while ignoring the existence of the ones we were interested in. Yup, you guessed it, I'm again  forced to compare 911 to RNM because this all feels like S3/S4 deja vu and I do not have the patience for that nonsense again. And no, we are nowhere near as bad off as what shitshow put us through, we still have some really good character stories and truly fun moments, but i feel like the cracks are showing. The ensemble show is rapidly feeling not-very-ensembly and it's disappointing. Add to that just the frustration of Buck never having a storyline where he actually gets to  address his trauma or his issues and it's no surprise people's patience is thin. And yes, the sperm donor nonsense hasn't fully played out, but did they really need to have a growth arc for Buck centered around guest characters that, when it's mentioned around his family, it's played for laughs?? We all thought surely the whole TayKay BS would give us something good last season, but instead she left with Buck's blessing, her terrible character flaws ignored. Just, I'm so tired 😔

My friend as usual we are absolutely on the same page! I haven’t been on as much and have been binging through some fic instead to make me feel a little better because on the one hand I absolutely cannot with the toxic positivity (not that everyone being positive about the show is “toxic” but you all know what I mean, the “if you have a single criticism, you’re stupid and should quit watching the show you obviously hate and don’t understand” crowd), but on the other I’m still overall having WAY more fun watching the episodes when they air than I did last season so I can’t really deal with the utterly hopeless, everything is awful crowd either! I’m just such a mix of emotions about everything right now (lady time hormones are NOT helping either) that it’s hard to know how to feel.

You’re SOOO right about the RNM war flashbacks though! While yes, 911 isn’t nearly as bad as the last 3 seasons of Plothole New Mexico, the similarities are...pretty startling and deeply frustrating! It’s always been odd that 911 didn’t have characters interacting with each other (Maddie and Eddie have never had a one-on-one scene despite being two of the most important people in Buck’s life and IT’S WEIRD!), but you almost didn’t really notice because there were so many good group scenes with most of the characters and everyone really felt like one big family. But now, the focus seems to have shifted so much to these new/different dynamics, and the show is completely ignoring the old ones so much so that it’s becoming more jarring instead of an enjoyable addition to the dynamics we know and love. @canonicallyobserving911 made a brilliant post recently about how the continuity and closure of storylines is being affected by this shift, not just with Buddie but things like Athena going through a major trauma and shift on her whole childhood friendship with someone and there being zero scenes with Hen about it, the person she first told about the girl going missing in the first place. I also mentioned how the scenes and dynamics with the firefam we are getting, especially in recent episodes, is basically just used for comic relief. Buck and Hen get close to some real talk but only while being drunk so the scene is still “silly”, and Eddie and Chim, while being a lot of fun to see together, have also only been used for the levity in the episodes. I love seeing them having fun, but given they are the two men who have had the mothers of their children leave, it feels like we should be getting some deeper scenes with them instead of just surface-level “fun” to keep the episodes “light”. (Not to mention BS like the tsunami coming up with some rando actress barely older than May instead of with someone we know and care about, and Buck not even being mentioned at all. I am....still eating glass about that nonsense.) 

And Buck....whoooo boy is Buck the Michael Guerin of this show. He of course isn’t treated nearly as badly by his found family as Michael often was, especially this past season, but the writing has been shying away from ever letting Buck truly deal with stuff. And I don’t want to hear any of that “healing isn’t linear” BS because a) it’s TV and it kinda has to be a little bit to keep things flowing, and b) that isn’t the point. We aren’t seeing Buck having momentary set backs that he overcomes like we’ve seen with Bobby and his alcoholism, we’re getting cyclical “one step forward, two steps back” storylines. We see a plot introduced, Buck spirals a bit and does something dumb, get’s lectured, rinse and repeat. I thought s4 and seeing him in therapy, seeing him snap at his parents (”Love me anyway” scene my absolute fucking beloved), seeing Eddie validate his feelings and Chim being a calming but firm presence helping back up both Maddie AND Buck, would really lead to some growth. But then Eddie got shot and we didn’t get a single scene of the firefam comforting him, or telling him they understood because all those kinds of scenes were used to wedge fucking Tay Kay into everything and the firefam scene we got was Bobby snapping at Buck, with no follow up of them talking about how worried Bobby was about both Buck AND Eddie. S5 could have given us more growth with Buck realizing he can and should step away from a relationship that isn’t bringing him any joy or providing him any of the support he needs. And had they made that call to wrap it up in 5a we might have gotten to see that more clearly, and then had Buck free to be the support for other storylines that SHOULD have been the major arcs for 5b like Maddie and Chim, Eddie’s breakdown, and we really should have gotten *something* for Bobby to do since his shooting was immediately forgotten and never mentioned again either, but then he had a whole celling fall on his back (you know, the one that was hurt originally, leading to his substance abuse issues?) and didn’t do anything with that, or with the truck falling off the cliff so I can’t say I’m really that surprised. 🤷🏻‍♀️  

You know my thoughts on 6x03 being pointless how it was done, but having both that episode AND Tomorrow in the same half-season when we’re already getting 1 less episode than normal before season break is just messy and asking for disaster and honestly ruined a lot of the flow from 6x02 into 6x04 but given that they also brought the sperm donor thing up and then had zilch about it for a month is bad pacing too so the “bottle” episodes aren’t the whole issue, but 6x03 and how that whole storyline was handled is certainly a part of the issue.

It’s also frustrating seeing these moments that could be SUCH great fodder for drama and involving the firefam directly instead of being separate storylines with guest characters, instead being played off for laughs, and quick one-off scenes. I am never going to be over the potential of things like Eddie working at dispatch when Buck and his team are in danger and him not being able to help being another thing that leads to his breakdown, or Chim surviving Jonah and then getting abducted at work, when his partner Hen isn’t there to have his back, and Buck placing himself in danger to save him while Bobby and Eddie are helpless to do anything, stuck at the scene of the original accident. These are SUCH perfect set-ups for some great character moments and conversations within the core group that are just being passed by, and for what?! For cheap cheating drama, and masturbation jokes, and a break-up AND make-up that happen mostly off screen, and a breakdown we barely saw? If I wanted to watch pointless drama for the sake of pointless drama I’d watch Grey’s Anatomy or something. 

There is something off about the show and even with everyone back there is something integral missing. This show was always fun and funny but also heartfelt and while it was dramatic, there was a realness to the drama, not just for the main character, but also in the way the emergencies were handled. Sometimes fun and silly, sometimes with jokes being cracked, but it never felt like the jokes or fun was at the expense of the characters involved. And that feeling seems to be missing, the way any YA novel-turned-movie by cash-grabbing studio execs who just wanted to cash in on merch sales feel so hollow and soulless compared to the books. Because the people running things do not love and care about the thing they are making and above all they do not respect it, or the audience for it. That’s the feeling I get when I see Buck getting ambushed at work, and his family finding out about this thing that *should* result in some deep, loving conversations and concern for one of their own being played for laughs at Buck’s expense, or an emergency with people in distress during the incident and during their rescue, but their call to 911 is some "memeable”, quippy pun. The crew and the cast still clearly love and respect the work they are doing, but looking at the writing, it’s just NOT the same and really does feel like KR’s idea of “lighter” is “making everything into a joke” instead of realizing that when you create tension there has to be a release, when someone suffers, there needs to be comfort, when characters fight, they need to make up. 

I’m with you, my friend. I’m just so, so tired. And god forbid I say that because then I’m suddenly “hate watching” and “don’t understand the show” and should quit watching. Did I laugh during this episode? YES! Did Eddie throwing that bracelet at Chim add 3 years to my life? YES! Did Hen and Chim stopping to yell and ask why that damn bracelet was still around make my heart swell with joy? YES! Did happy, relaxed, Beach!Eddie re-write my brain forever? YES! But at the same time, are a few surface level fun scenes enough to sustain the show? To make it memorable? What’s that quote? Art isn’t supposed to be pretty, it’s supposed to make you feel something”, and this show used to have such depth and heart that there are STILL scenes and episodes I’ve seen multiple times that just thinking about give me literal chills or makes me tear up a little. But it hasn’t been that way, consistently, in a LONG time and the audience is getting tired.

[maryellencarter]

So we still have multiple Lupin III stories in progress.

I don't know if I can bear to post any of them. I've already left almost all the Lupin servers I was in.

Not because I want to move on. I still love the show and the characters. I have more stories to tell. But...

...there just isn't a place in this fandom for me.

People can't even fucking acknowledge that they're being unwelcoming. They'll tell me to my face that they're biphobic and expect me to just be fine with that. They'll toss out general statements about how only homophobes could read a relationship as nonromantic and expect me to be okay with that too.

I've been as loud as I thought I could while being polite. It hasn't made a dent. So here's a different try:

If you say things like "Jigen isn't attracted to women", "any story with a Jigen girlfriend is a bad story", "Jigen doesn't have any chemistry with his onscreen girlfriends", "Jigen only has relationships with women because of compulsory heterosexuality" -- you are BIPHOBIC, and let me be clear in very small words:

THAT. IS. BAD!

It means YOU HATE ME!

So I do not want you reading ANY OF MY STORIES!

You don't deserve them! You don't deserve to enjoy good writing from someone you are ERASING and SILENCING and FORBIDDING FROM REPRESENTATION.

Furthermore:

If you're one of the 99% of the fandom who saw episode 5 of Lupin Zero and said anything like "This can only be read romantically", "Every queer fan is happy about this development", "It's good that they finally stopped lying to us":

you have hurt ME PERSONALLY. Which I said, loudly, multiple times, with explanations, and not ONE person came over and said "I didn't mean it that way" or "there's room for you".

(Two people tried to tell me I could still interpret the relationship as platonic. I appreciate the thought, but -- no, no I can't. I can't *share* that interpretation without having it overridden by arophobic well-meaning asshats who can't register that they're doing any harm by acting like they think I meant it as romantic, and that's already destroying me.)

So. If you think a platonic friendship, or a nonromantic sexual relationship, can't be the deepest relationship in a person's life --

-- if you think that making a queer relationship romantic is something that only homophobes can regret or be upset about --

-- if you think making any fictional relationship romantic makes it "more", deeper, more fulfilling, more meaningful --

then GO EAT A SACK OF BRICKS!

and also don't read my stories anymore.

because I was just that stupid, autistic, aromantic *loser* who thought a story that explicitly talked about the importance of friendship was going to be about

ACTUAL FRIENDSHIP

i thought i was seeing a part of myself that never, ever gets portrayed. there are no canon-media stories about friendship that's more important than romance. i dared to start *writing* about it.

and then i found out that not one solitary person in this fandom is capable of taking a minute from ASSIGNING their joy to everyone around them and realizing, hey, a queer person is saying they're NOT happy about this development, they're deeply distressed, they just lost what everyone else gained.

Nobody wants me here. Nobody wants *what I am* here. They're happy to read my writing, but only if they can *overwrite* me into the assumption of what Somebody Who Writes Things They Enjoy must be.

I haven't even been able to watch any Lupin, except for showing selected episodes to Kat, since this happened. I can't think about posting a new story without crying all over again. I'm not allowed to exist here, and I can't even yell loud enough to get anybody to acknowledge it.

I'm not somebody who nukes my fics. Even if these weren't all co-written, an archive is an archive, and everything I've posted on AO3 is still up there. But I genuinely do not know if I can share anything more with the people who make me feel like this.

[gothprentiss]

Idk if this is the kind of lit stuff you do….. but what are your thoughts on emily/derek as christ figures?

no one's gonna believe i didn't send this to myself. i smooch you fondly on the forehead. anyway this isn't technically the kind of lit stuff i "do" nor is it something i have a deep personal stake in but i'm a big fan of theology and philosophy of religion across the board, and narrative in general. so in that sense i guess it is.

i will say that, like, the way i think about figuration isn't tied to symbolism so much as a larger process of interpretation, borne of the particular kind of manifold reading that seeks to reconcile or simultaneously sustain both historical and spiritual truth. so while i think there's a lot of interesting stuff to get out of them if you're reading them with an eye toward how the show treats their particular religious upbringings and their narrative affordances, i do think that i stop short of reading this as figuration because to do that to a standard i find meaningful would require me (me, personally) to spend way too much time thinking about how cm works narratively. also, unlike, say, the kinds of OT/NT figuration that you see in a lot of figural readings, you can't really make a cohesive claim about cm working as a controlled system of meaning for which you can have stable methods of reading-- which isn't to say that figural reading isn't possible, just that its telos isn't assured.

anyway uh. my thoughts largely are "!!!"

slightly more articulate-- a+b kind of general, c+d more specific:

a) i think that christology is baked into a lot of contemp american narratives of heroism in a variety of ways (e.g., don't take campbell seriously but the monomyth does kind of constellate this well-- narratives of heroism are downstream from traditional articulations of heroism, and christology -> martyrdom is a pretty nice case in point). like obviously the ethos of (for example) virtue, righteousness, & self-sacrifice sort of transcend figuration of christ, but, you know. the show is very wrapped up in the team's heroism and selflessness and you can always find a christology there if you want to. so there's that.

b) i think, if you're interested in reading biblical figuration into the show, you can read both prentiss and morgan as different angles on the prodigal son. in the case of morgan, it's the reorienting, actually christian conversion of his return to the church in lucky + penelope; in prentiss, you've got her leaving + returning to the team. in both cases this marks an ethical system/worldview which they depart from and, ultimately, return to, and are welcomed back into. in the sense that the prodigal son narrative is kind of one of apostasy and reintegration via conversion (conversion back to a previous faith, i should be clear), you also have that aspect in both of them-- morgan's more literally with faith, prentiss' with the team. that's not christ figuration (i could whip you up what i believe to be a deeply heretical reading of the prodigal son parable in christological terms (prodigal -> incarnate?) tho lol), but yk.

c) it has been a WHILE since i watched "derek". but i mean does he not get literally strapped up like jesus christ on the cross. i think when the show starts trying to engage with derek's religion (since he is the character whose religion is treated as most narratively meaningful) you get a lot of stuff which is vaguely saintly-to-martyrological. so in this way you can say the figuration of christ going on is that which is baked into sainthood, which is the imitatio christi. [when i think of figuration i think of auerbach-- i think it's fair to say that the nature of the figure as a plastic form includes the crafted nature of imitation.] also, like, as an exit narrative-- you know. i'm just naming stuff that they did. i think letting his time on the team culminate with that is obviously deliberate symbolism.

d) the. the prentiss resurrection/return arc. so as i have said before and as you may or may not have seen me say before, i see the importance of wound & touch in their relationship in s6-7 as making a real, if slant, doubting thomas out of morgan-- like that scene in it takes a village where he's embracing her, and you can see him trying to process what's going on-- there is the proof of her return, but it can't quite work as a return for him. i don't want to conflate the deception, betrayal, and fear involved in the doyle arc + her fake death with his childhood abuse, but i think that derek's time on the show is characterized by struggles with faith, which do seem to all be rehashing his initial crisis of religious faith (see also his struggles to trust hotch).

and there is also just the fact of the return as resurrection arc, which doesn't function as a final return-- she's with them to heal the initial wound of her loss, but in a way that allows them to function without her, because her "death" is no longer a failure of theirs. obviously the crucifixion and resurrection are sacrificial, but more importantly they fulfill (in figurational sense-- both the figure and the fulfillment retain their separately meaningful status, e.g. how moses is read as a figure of christ without losing his historical and biblical specificity) a preexisting sacrifice that was already made. and i think in a similar way prentiss was always not of the bau in the same way that the other characters are (strauss' machinations). so there's something neat about that as a feature of her departure-- it differentiates her from elle, too, insofar as both sort of break with the team in the same way (becoming sort of too much moral weight for it), but elle reaches a breaking point whereas earlier season prentiss just has a fundamental insolubility with them. that's not quite christ figure stuff, but in this context it's an aspect of her character that feels more pronounced.

[data-is-my-favorite-android]

Personally I interpret Spock as demisexual, but the assertion that SNW is deviating from canon by showing that Spock fuxx and THAT IS BAD because “he wasn’t depicted that way in the original series”/that’s ace erasure just… doesn’t sit right with me. Are we watching the same TOS? There are at least three episodes I can think of off the top of my head where Spock pulls it down, and it is heavily implied that he has had meaningful (and sexual) relationships with women in the past. Vulcans don’t talk about sex much, but they have it (and not just during Pon Farr). Spock’s general disinterest in sex in other episodes can be interpreted as a) he finds it culturally distasteful to discuss the topic, particularly when asked to talk about his personal experiences, and/or b) he is demisexual and therefore disinterested in sex because he doesn’t have the right kind of relationship with the soliciting person or simply isn’t feeling it that day.

As a fan, I’m actually really enjoying the fact that SNW is acknowledging that part of the canon and exploring this side of him more. Also, let’s be real: Spock is hot, he’s always been hot, everybody knows he’s hot both in-universe and in the audience, and finally showing that on-screen and leaning into it was a smart decision. (Also, it isn’t just about his hotness, he’s attractive to audience members for lots of reasons; he’s intelligent, strong, kind, capable, clever and thoughtful, among many other desirable things, yet earlier series somehow never fully capitalized on that facet of fans’ love for Spock for whatever reason). It isn’t character assassination. It’s updating the character based on the pre-existing canon for modern audiences.

As a demisexual, I personally do not see this as ace erasure (again, he was never actually depicted as a sex-repulsed asexual man in the canon). In fact, I really love seeing what I interpret as a demisexual person having a healthy consensual sexual relationship play out on screen. While his specific sexuality has never been confirmed in canon, I always related to Spock on a variety of levels, including a demisexual level (though I didn’t have words to describe that aspect of his character or myself at the time), and this latest depiction of Spock has only further cemented that. His “fake” kiss with Chapel transforming his perception of his relationship with her from fun & playful trusting friendship feelings ☺️☺️ to “oh shit, wait, was that a sexual feeling?? 😳😳 oh fuckk when did that happen PUT IT AWAY” moment was also highly relatable. Like, he clearly wasn’t expecting that, probably because he usually doesn’t experience sexual attraction, and it SHOOK him. And since sex and emotional connection/romance are deeply intertwined for demisexual people, it makes this shift in his perception of her even harder to ignore. (This is straying increasingly into speculation and personal interpretation, though, so moving on…)

I think that because Kirk basically got laid every other episode in TOS, his reputation/characterization in pop culture pretty quickly became that of The Sex Icon of the show and, hell, even TOS’ generation of television. By contrast, it became harder to remember that Spock occasionally had sexual encounters over the course of the show and it became easier to pigeonhole him into the nerdy celibate best friend of man-about-town Captain Kirk. But there’s a difference between the often flattened pop cultural perception of the character Spock and how he was actually written, and a difference between his characterization in fanon and canon. I’m not saying that you HAVE to watch and memorize every single episode of TOS, or that you can’t enjoy the prevailing fan interpretations of the series and its characters (because I certainly enjoy the hell out of fan fiction and fan reimaginings of TOS), but I am saying that before accusing the writers and show runners of ruining the character or misrepresenting Spock egregiously, maybe just… go back and take a look at TOS first? It’s such a fun show and so worth watching anyway, and it’s worth understanding/appreciating the characters for what they were, how the fans have reimagined them in fanon, and the sheer scope of directions the new show writers can take them from here. They’ve already done wonders for developing T’Pring, Nurse Chapel, and Number One! I’m excited to see where they will take the rest of the crew next.

Anyway, Spock has had relationships before, they have been sexual, it isn’t character assassination and that is a fact. And honestly, I’m really hoping the writers just, for the love of God, go AU and give Spock a happy and supportive romantic relationship, I literally do not care with who, T’Pring, Chapel, Uhura, Kirk, WHOEVER, just let that boy love and be loved in return 😭😭😭 and let him get to keep that relationship going (instead of ending it in flames, like the TOS version of Spock and T’Pring’s relationship)

[animeomegas]

Omega!Naruto Characters - Death from a broken heart.

Anon:  I don't know if you do, but some aus say that a person can't sruvive after their mate dies, like they die from a broken heart. Do you have that in yours, can you write who would be most likely to die mayeb please xx

(I love this headcanon! In my au, I think that if a person feels like they have nothing left to live for after their mate dies, they die with them. This is my ranking for how the boys would react when you had been mated for a while, but before having children. 

I wrote a Naruto one first, but I’m already half way through a BNHA version, so look out for that.)

Warnings: Suicide, major death, depression.

LEAST

1. Naruto – ALIVE – He is in mourning for a long time, but ultimately, he manages to turn your death into something meaningful. He memorialises you with a beautiful shrine in your home that he can’t bear to leave. He tries to ‘solve’ whatever it was that killed you. For example, if you died from sickness, he would assign lots more funds into the hospital and medicinal research. It’s not easy for him at all, but he could move on someday and take another mate, many years down the line. He has so much love to give and he wants to receive love in return, and he knows you would want him to be happy. However, he would never tolerate a new mate who was jealous of you or wanted him to get rid of your shrine. He could never do that to your memory. He picks a mate he knows you would love.

2. Iruka – ALIVE – He is deeply depressed when you die. He throws himself into his work as much as he can, distracting himself until he has a complete breakdown. He relies on his friends a lot during this time. Iruka eventually learns to distract himself in healthier ways, processing with your death in smaller increments rather than all at once. He might get another mate, but it would be very unlikely I think. It would be more likely that Iruka decides to adopt an orphan and throw himself into raising that child with as much love as he can. He would raise the child knowing you as their other parent, telling them stories about you, showing him pictures and visiting your grave with them.

3. Gaara – ALIVE – He is angry. It has been a long time since he was this angry. Gaara blames himself for a long time, which sends him down a dark path. Ultimately what saves him is his siblings. They keep him sane and happy to the best of their abilities and Gaara throws himself into his family as a result. It’s the only place where he can feel okay, if only for a little bit. If his siblings ever have pups, Gaara is committed to being the greatest uncle of all time and the pups love him. However, he can’t help but get lost in his thoughts sometimes, wondering what your children would have been like. He misses you every second of every day. He would be extremely unlikely to get mated again.

4. Shikamaru – ALIVE – He is furious. With the situation, with himself, and with you, for leaving him alone when you promised you wouldn’t. Another one who leans a lot on his friends and family to get him through the darkest time in his life. He lashes out at people and is very difficult to deal with after you die. I definitely see him as the kind of person to take on one of your hobbies to help him deal with your loss. Whatever it was you loved to do the most, he will start doing as a way to ensure that he will never forget you. He may get mated again, he may not, it depends a lot on if he meets someone he falls in love with again. But if the clan elders ever try and push him to mate again so that he can have an heir, he will flip his shit big time. He sees it as a direct attack on your memory.

5. Shino – ALIVE – He withdraws into himself. He speaks to no one other than his father for about a month after your death, refusing to go about his life as normal. Because it’s not normal and it will never be normal again. He takes a long hiatus from missions which he spends sorting through his thoughts and memories of you. The things he never said, the things he never got to do, the things he should have done. He tortures himself for a few weeks before his father pulls him out of his slump by force. They go for walks together, trying to find certain bugs, just like they did when he was a child. They cook together, Shibi closely monitoring Shino’s diet, knowing that hunger takes a big hit after the death of a mate. This is what saves Shino, but he will never mate again. He refuses. He couldn’t do that to your memory, but he also couldn’t do it to himself. Not again.

6. Neji – ALIVE – He gets so close to death. He stops eating, stops getting out of bed, stops working. He just lays there wasting away. He is convinced that he’s going to die and he feels weirdly happy about that. He doesn’t fight it at all, but instead embraces all his misery. It’s when his teammates come to visit him that everything changes. They find him close to death and panic. They rush him to the hospital, making sure that someone is with him at all times. They tell jokes, they organise games and read to him, anything to make him feel better. And it works enough that he can leave the hospital in a fortnight. Even after that, they keep up around the clock supervision for him, making sure that he is never alone with his dark thoughts for too long. Slowly, but surely, he recovers. But he never forgets. And he certainly never mates again.

7. Itachi – DEAD (kind of) -  Itachi shuts down, but he doesn’t die, at least not immediately. He hyper focuses on his plan, following the steps automatically. He’s happy with every step he completes, because he knows the final step is his death. He clings to the knowledge that he will die soon, which ironically is the only thing that keeps him alive. He is colder than ever. From an outsider’s perspective it might not seem that he is that affected, but when he’s alone he just sits in silence, sometimes tears run down his face. When he is finally an inch from death at the hands of his brother, he smiles. He doesn’t think he’ll see you again. He doesn’t think he deserves that kind of happiness. People like him don’t deserve that. But at least, he hopes, it might stop hurting.

8. Kakashi – DEAD – He’s been through so much, that he thinks he should be able to cope by now. He knew this was going to happen after all. He waited so long to get mated, because he was scared, because he knew that you would leave him or be taken from him like everyone else. He’s tired. He’s so tired. He’s probably at least nearly 40 at this point, he’s far older than he ever thought he’d be. You taught him what it meant to truly live, not just survive. He can’t go back to how he was, he can’t. He goes to your funeral and stands there in silence. He accepts every condolence and offer of help with a silent nod. He promises his friends that he will go to a specialist therapist first thing in the morning. When everybody leaves, he sits by your grave all night, asking you for forgiveness for everything. For not being quick enough to save you, for pushing you away so much at the beginning of your relationship, and finally, forgiveness for what he’s about to do. He knows you would tell him to fight and survive the heartbreak, but he can’t. He heads back to his apartment for the final time, breathing in the air and taking in the sights. He piles everything he has that smells like you onto his bed and lays down in it. He apologises one final time before closing his eyes, knowing that he won’t be waking up.

9.  Sasuke – DEAD – He should have known his would happen. Everything he loves gets ripped away from him, so why would you be any different? He’s furious when he hears the news. He destroys your house, throwing and smashing everything he can get his hands on. And when he’s destroyed everything, he just sits down in the middle of the living room floor and cries. He knows that people will show up soon. He knows that everyone knows he’s at risk for hurting himself, but he won’t let them take away his choice. He doesn’t want to do it anymore, he just wants to be with you. So he collects himself for a moment and then he runs. He doesn’t pick a place he just runs where he knows no one will think to look. He ends up sitting in between some trees on the floor of a training ground no one uses. He watches the stars for a few minutes, remembering every time he would do that together with you. He talks to you quietly, closing his eyes and convincing himself that you’re laying beside him. In the end, he doesn’t wait to die from his broken heart, he does it himself.

MOST

[rantrambles]

Ever get so upset you make a Tumblr account to vent?

I haven’t even listened to The Penumbra Podcast yet but it’s on my list because it’s insanely popular and the cosplays I’ve seen are hot as hell (A+ to all the cosplayers I’ve seen you’ve done great work). Now, with the recent news surrounding the podcast, I’ll wait till it’s done if I ever do get into it. I’m Asian and part of the LGBT community but I’m not nonbinary so I can’t say much about the trans represention in the art but I wanted to add my two cents on the matter as a person of color and someone examining the situation from the outside. Also, before I get deeply into it, I’m not the only person of color with opinions on this matter so if people have their own frustrations and criticism with the racism in The Penumbra Podcast and/or the new artist they hired, definitely listen to them too. These are my own personal opinions, and I’m sure other people will disagree and that’s fine. We’re all going to have different views on this so bear that in mind. Also, feel free to correct me or add anything if I’ve missed some information. Here’s a great breakdown of the whole situation for those that don’t know what happened. Finally, I was very hesitant to post this, but I felt it was important because I make a statement at the end on how race should be presented in a podcast format so if you are interested in making a podcast and want to have a diverse range of characters, please skip to the end to read those thoughts.

I’ll start off by saying, I’m not even that upset with the new artist that The Penumbra Podcast hired. I know that statement alone is controversial but I don't personally know them, and I’m not going to judge who they are as a person by a few pieces of art they’ve made. They are the least of the problems that I have here. Since the announcement and the backlash, I’ve been scrolling through the artist’s Instagram account and I can tell why people find the designs offensive, but I’m also comparing the designs to the artist’s other work, and I honestly believe that’s just their style. They’ve exaggerated the features of just about every character they’ve made, regardless of race or gender. From what I’ve seen the sharp angles and overly round curves in the anatomy that make some of the character’s features more jarring are how they prefer to draw. I’m sure they’re capable of drawing more realistic proportions but for the most part they’re art aims to call attention, be bold, and create distinguished features. Not inherently a bad thing on its own.

And yeah I’d understand the issue if this were a scenario where the artist heard how these characters acted in the podcast and thought “hey, obviously this character is a black woman because they are super strong and therefore must have big muscles, no other woman could look like that” or “hey, this character has to be Asian because they act super seductive sometimes better draw them as such.” But from my understanding the race was already decided by previous official artists and a general description of the characters were already generated by the audience, similar to how The Magnus Archives leaned towards drawing scrawny Jon with black, greying hair and dark skin. The new artists couldn’t really change those features even if those features aren’t described in canon because a depiction that strayed too far from popular fandom interpretation would make the character’s unrecognizable to the fanbase. 

I think the reason this became such a big issue for most people is because the new Penumbra artist used their exaggerated art style when making these characters and people of color and nonbinary folks already see themselves drawn as these exaggerated caricatures all the time (with those images being used to further discriminate against them). I’m sure the artist didn’t mean for their art to be offensive, but that of course doesn’t change how it was received. 

According to some, the poses and expressions the artists chose did not fully represent the characters entirely and only served to further perpetuate harmful stereotypes, and I’ll have to take their word for it because I still haven’t listened to the podcast so I have no idea how the characters act. But again much of the criticism is based on the one line-up and doing a deeper dive into the artist’s work I managed to find artwork that was much less offensive. Here some art where Vespa is depicted in a non-violent pose and one where Vespa is in a threatening pose but not an overly violent one. Here is Peter drawn in a non-seductive pose. Hopefully, the artist truly does keep the criticisms in mind as they work on the new official art. I’m just not the type of person that wants to get the pitchforks out and cause this particular person to lose a job they seemed really excited about over their old character line-up, especially when that person is also part of a marginalized group.

Again, that’s just my opinion on that particular artist. Those who are offended by their art are still valid in how they feel, and the artist should absolutely take their criticism to heart to better how they represent the characters.

What I’m more upset about is that I think The Penumbra Podcast should never have released official art for their characters in the first place and that’s their mistake that they refuse to own up about. They have made it clear that the story was never meant to portray characters of colors, a fact emphasized by the fact they hired mostly white actors from the start. They only started releasing art of the characters to get a profit. And the thing is they know what they did was wrong. All I had to do was search Penumbra Podcast racism and there is a note on their website saying that they archived some old official art.

“We have discontinued all Penumbra merchandise that uses the original character designs, and in the meantime, any profits on the sales of that merchandise will go to the For The Gworls project. We also realize that the depiction of these characters as POC, while not appropriate for us to use in our marketing and merchandise, has nonetheless become personally meaningful to many POC listeners. For that reason, and because we do not wish to distance ourselves from our mistake, we are keeping these images on our website for archival purposes. Though we do want to make it clear that many of the main/featured voice actors are white and that we did not write the characters to represent any specific POC experience, you are, as always, free to imagine these characters in any way that you like.”

I went to their shop and they still sell posters and pins with the character’s faces on them, but they are donating it to a good cause so hopefully that stays the same. However, I still find it a little uncomfortable that they are still selling character merch and have plans to continue selling character merch. They have no right to dissuade the fans that already found representation in the characters, but they also have no right to profit off the representation that was built, regardless if they made the story. 

Let’s compare this to another piece of popular media. I love Avatar the Last Airbender and, I liked the ATLA voice actors just fine but there should have been more people of color doing voice acting behind the screen too. The voice actors for that show were mainly white too, however, the creators knew that they would be making poc characters. That’s what makes the difference. Did they still choose to go with mostly white voice actors? Yes. Could they have done better and pay more people of color? Also yes. But I’m not as furious at them because they did their research on the cultures they were basing the ATLA world off of and intentionally gave us a show where Asians could see characters that looked like them represented on the screen. The Penumbra Podcast did not do any of that. Again, they openly admitted that it was never their intention to make the character’s people of color when they made the podcast so that goes to show no research was made to properly represent specific cultures. The color of the character’s skin in their official designs therefore became more of aesthetic choice rather than representation, and it wasn’t even their aesthetic choice to begin with!

Race isn’t a color you can just throw onto the character because you feel like it. So I want this to be a lesson to anyone that wants to make a podcast: if you want to include poc characters please do some research into the cultures you plan to represent the way you would with any other form of media. Just because the audience can’t see the characters and just because it’s harder to smoothly introduce the character’s appearance doesn’t mean you’re allowed to be lazy on how you present the characters. Do research before you start writing the first episode and take the time to hire poc actors. Hiring poc actors is actually the least that can be done to show representation. Also, since the audience cannot visually see the race of the characters on a podcast and it can’t typically be described the way you would in a book, you’ll have to be creative. It’s not my job to say how, but my suggestions would be, before the fans come up with their own image of the character, you need to establish race in the first few episodes or release character profiles on a website so that the fans know you canonically intended the characters to be of a certain race even if you aren’t able to mention it in the actual podcast. If you are unwilling to do any of these then the best route is to avoid stating race at all and allow the audience to build their own representation into your form of media. However, once this happens, you are not allowed to profit off popular fan interpretations. You lose all rights to create official art or images of the characters. You cannot use “we have a diverse cast of characters” when you market your story. It doesn’t matter whether you created the content or not, you did not create the representation for those minority groups.

It’s one thing for fans to build their own inclusivity into a form of art like a podcast, but it’s another thing for the creators who never worked to make the representation happen to take advantage of the representation that the listeners built for themselves. Thank you for attending my TedTalk.

[alluringjae]

until dawn; pt. II - ljn

part I | part II

⤑ summary: basic number one rule of the museum is not to touch the art. but no one told jeno that falling for one of them isn’t allowed either.

⤑ pairing: jeno x female reader

⤑ word count: 12.2k

⤑ genre: ANGST, fluff, romance, smut (f receiving, dom!jeno waow, dirty talk, wrap it everyone) | broke architecture major!jeno, historical figure!reader, enemies to lovers!au, college!au, night at the museum-inspired!au

⤑ warnings: references to actual historical figures, explicit language, graphic details, major heartbreak caused by another party, expect time jumps too

⤑ author’s note: happy jeno day!! i’ve been so excited to post this part, and i’m happy we’re here!! perhaps, this is the last long fic i’ll write for a while so i can rest, but i’ll still be posting short stories within the weeks to come! i’m excited for may to say the least hehe

btw, for the smut scene (indicated with **), i highly recommend you listen to strange (feat. hillary smith) by kris bowers!! this song is from the bridgerton soundtrack, and oh man, the feels!!

with that, enjoy!

italicized text either means they are personal notes or flashbacks.

this was meant to be more angsty, but either way, i screamed every time i wrote something gut-wrenching.

⤑ taglist: @renjunniehome

​ ⤑ ctto above!!

⤑  leave me some feedback, constructive criticism, or hellos!

“You ready to get your butt beaten by me, Lee?”

“Prepare your final words when I win instead, (Y/L/N).”

Mischievous banter exchanged between you two became a new norm. Almost every night, someone within the art pieces established a contest over anything and it released the competitive sides of you two. So far, Jeno has been winning. Not like it hurt your pride, but maybe just once, you could conquer one game to feel better. Not only that, there’s a mini penalty for the loser. So far, you’ve cleaned up the lobby yourself and acted cutely to everyone the entire evening (or aegyo as Jeno called it).

Tonight, a game of archery was held by the Greek gods. They pushed away any extra pieces away, leaving the whole room vacant with two boards right beside Zeus’ throne. Numerous arrows were produced and sharpened, Zeus in the center announced to everyone participating.

“It’ll be 1 on 1 games. First to go are Jeno vs (Y/N), followed by Athena vs. Hermes, Cleopatra vs. Freddie, and last would be Hades vs Aphrodite.”

Cutting the chase, you didn’t expect Jeno to be that good at archery. Sure, he told you that he took classes with his friends for fun when he was younger, though it showed that he’s a fast learner and even hit one bullseye in the middle of the game.

Not slightly threatened until the last rounds, you fixed your aim and lessened your overthinking when preparing to shoot. Thus, you scored 2 bullseyes shot. It was a close fight, having the audience on the edge on their feet again because it’s the two of you. Your dynamic with the night guard always elevated the mood, shifting their bets over and over again.

By 1 point, you received your first victory against Jeno. Unlike you, he showcased his sportsmanship sweetly without any comments of disbelief. He’s never bragged about anything big in his life, not unless it’s a high grade for his plate. Normally, he celebrated wins in a laid-back manner. But don’t be fooled: he loves giving penalties.

“This is why I don’t make bets with my friends because I really go for their weak spots.”

“You’re cynical, Lee Jeno.”

“Only if you’re close to me, (Y/N) (Y/L/N).”

“Aren’t we already past that stage?”

Almost halfway through his job, he sustained a meaningful friendship with you. Out of everyone, you were his default person to hang out within the nights he had a shift. If he wasn’t present, he made sure to give you small treats or gifts as much as possible. An innocent friendship, it was that the world would’ve never believed in.

Or was it?

“To celebrate your win, what do you want me to do?”

“You’re too kind for me to play around with, even if you’re the complete opposite of me.”

“I’ll make it simple and worthwhile since I don’t know when I’ll win a game again.” As your finger tapped your temple as you pondered deeply, a smart idea came through. “Grant me 3 wishes.”

He chuckled, lowering himself to view you better. “Am I like some genie now to you?”

“No room to complain, I won, didn’t I?” You grinned, raising one brow to show your dominance.

“You’re petty in your own way, aren’t you?”

“Perhaps. Now come on, I want to use my first wish.” You shrugged it off like no big deal, loving the high feeling of triumph. You lead him to the center of the lobby, where a beautiful grand piano only selected people get to play during exhibits. “Open the museum piano.”

Ever since you were brought to life, you never used it. Tempting but because people from the outside might here, maybe it’s time to try something new. A new challenge, and besides, you missed entertaining people through it. The last time you touched the delicate piano keys was to your family before you ran away.

It’s a good thing that in the shackle of keys Jeno held, the needed key was there. Unlocking the lustrous black instrument, you sat by the matching black bench. Crackling your fingers, you tested by pressing a few keys to get the hang of it again.

“What are you planning to play, (Y/N)?” Jeno leaned against the side, his arms crossed.

Humming the first notes of your piece, the nostalgia ran through your veins. “Nocturne No. 2 in E flat by Chopin.”

Your fingers took off and played each chord slowly and calmly. This piece reminded you the most of your mother, who sat by the couch in front of your old piano with your father while guests from the party they hosted crowded around you. Being the youngest, they often requested you to perform as entertainment so you always put your best foot forward. Or so you tried.

Nevertheless, no one else in your family was capable to play this piece as perfectly as you. By the way your eyes closed and your body swayed to the mellow tune, Jeno observed how you memorized this piece by heart. A passionate flame you were, outshining every pianist out there.

He wasn’t surprised at how multi-talented you were, though there’s a different kind of aura you present when you played the instrument. From your hard and tough front, you could be soft and sweet to the right people.

In a way, you showed your comfort toward the boy by serenading him with the piano. Sketching him with him in the past was one thing, but this was another. You’d sketch with people you’ve grown used to, but you play piano to people you want to cherish in your life. As dangerous as it seems, Jeno was someone special to you, only wanting to have good moments with him.

Junmyeon will always have a huge part in your museum life, but Jeno filled the emptiness that he left behind. This loneliness for a human friend vanquished thanks to Jeno, and you didn’t want to jeopardize it at all. Sure, whenever he acted like a gentleman around you, let you inside the Foreign Art Room, or brought you food sometimes, you couldn’t help feel honored.

Though lately, every time he showed off his strength when he defeated Zeus and Hades during an arm wrestle game the god held again. You seriously had to catch a breath at every flex his arms made, like the goddesses. Maybe how he pushed his black hair back when he’s drawing another plate, you’d give yourself a few extra seconds to see his long fingers skim through them. He’d bit his lower lip when he’s in too deep with his creativity, wondering if he’d bite the lower lip of the girl he’d ki-

All right, (Y/N), relax. Maybe you’re thinking this way because it’s been decades since your last relationship. You wouldn’t want to fall for another possible trap and hurt yourself again, right?

Ever since this job, Jeno’s university life drastically changed. Yes, he still hung out with his friends and performed extremely well in his classes, though he prioritized anything related to the museum wherever he was. If they were drinking out, he’d buy an extra bottle of soju for you on his way back to the dorm. Rarely does he get shitfaced anyways.

If he and Renjun visited the bookstore to purchase pens or any art-related materials, he always bought either an extra sketchpad or set of pens. Even if you were simply a figure to everyone else, he appreciated the bond you both developed.

Every night, he’d tell you about his day from the start. Normally, it consisted of a lot of schoolwork and coffee, some stories about his roommates too. Speaking of them, he’d insert a lot of humorous words about his entire group of friends, whom you learned their names too.

Mark, Jaemin, Renjun, Jisung, Chenle, and Donghyuck, each of them presented a different color in their group. Jeno, who’d admitted to being shy and quiet, grew out of his shell because of them. A friend of Jeno’s would automatically be a friend of yours, if only you were allowed to leave the museum or become a human.

Jeno learned more about your past explorations that never got documented because you no longer had an interest in jotting them down. They were adventures you’d kept to yourself, memories only close to you then would know. Except now, Jeno was another addition. You’re not the type to instantly open to people, though again, a sense of relief surrounded him every time you encounter each other. It grew gradually like a warm hug, softening your heart and breaking your walls.

The more he spent time with you, nothing feared Jeno the slightest. He’s always maintained himself intact, avoiding lines to be crossed and giving respect to those who deserve it. However, he began to question himself where exactly his feelings lie with you after Jaemin tried to set him up on a blind double date just so the best friend of his date wouldn’t feel left out.

He’s rarely one to get crushes on people, even when other girls in his college openly showed their affection towards him. Valentine’s Day or his birthday, several girls sent him chocolate or flowers. Jaemin and Renjun got sick of girls reaching out to them first so they could reach him. It’s not because he’s not the dating type, but because he’s so goal-oriented that unlike his roommates, he doesn’t have a slight clue about dating.

Though one-night stands while at a party and dating were completely different, he’d still say he had experience with girls. Plus having an older sister, he never took advantage of them. He’d rather tell them in person that the feelings weren’t mutual than ghosting them. He’s not like Jaemin anyways.

With that, he’s so lost when his heart beats twice as fast the second you’ve woken up from your posing slumber. He doesn’t comprehend how flustered he’d be when you highly insist to help him with his plate or how cute he finds it when you’re playing fetch with Mochi. On top of it, when you chose to sketch each other for one of your sketching sessions, he’d take a longer stare at your visage before he drew some strokes.

A lot of historical accounts mentioned how your beauty was the standard of the Victorian era, wherein you were the jewel of your neighborhood and numerous men wanted your hand. Women envied you, especially having high intelligence skills that were equivalent to a man. That time, that felt like a threat to most men. Though surprisingly, it turns out there were men who liked intelligent girls.

Jeno knew he liked you as a friend, though liking you past that he didn’t intend. Nor was it allowed because it’ll break one of the golden rules. Before he’d go beyond contemplating, he had to stop himself. This was so unlike him. The feelings will fleet away, he’d repeat to himself. Don’t waste a great friendship because of your silly emotions.

Individually, both of you swallowed these harboring feelings down your guts and simply kept your friendship status safe. Doing your typical activities or whatever else you could think of, none of you minded to change it whatsoever.

Unknown to you though, it was obvious to the other art pieces ones that you two practically passed off as young lovers. Although they know that pushing one towards the other went against the rules, Aphrodite begged to differ.

“Holding them back from expressing what they really feel just because of the law here is a tragedy. They should at least try, you know?”

On another typical night, Jeno invited you to the Theater Room for a movie marathon. After finding out that you’ve never seen any moving pictures, he wanted to be there to introduce it. Luck was on his side to not have plates or requirements due for the week and everyone was behaving themselves, so he started with rolling out short films from the 88mm projector. Having premade popcorn and drinks, the two of you shared roars of laughter and emotional tears.

Switching to the cd player for longer and clearer films, you’d opt to believe that you were born at the wrong time. With all these advancements, it came with a lot of new beliefs. One of them was allowing women to study and work. Then again, she was a pioneer according to historians. Without her, it wouldn’t help shape society as it is today.

Nonetheless, this movie Jeno played on the big screen was what he defined as “one of the classics”, 10 Things I Hate About You.

This outspoken character named Kat was presenting a poem to her class, trying to hold in her raw emotions towards Patrick, the boy who broke her heart. Too engaged, you didn’t notice how Jeno stretched his arms out so he could wrap one around your shoulder. Not that you were complaining, his warmth reassuring you safety.

“I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare. I hate your big dumb combat boots and the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme. I hate it, I hate the way you're always right. I hate it when you lie.” The way she attempted to keep her strong ground only reminded you of where you were weeks ago, especially once she excruciatingly broke down.

“I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry. I hate it when you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.” Only when you leaned back to the chair, you felt his arm. His thumb caressing your covered shoulder, you peeked him a little bit. His eyes fixated on the screen, absorbed in the acting and how Kat’s tears weren’t scripted as she stormed out of the classroom.

Not that you were her, but it sparked the past memory of how you merely disliked him because of his job. But as a person, not even close, not even once did you hate him. How blessed that he never judged you for it, staying patient all this time.

Right before he could look back at you, you moved your face back to resume your watching. Jeno definitely noticed what you did, though not sure as to why. Whatever it was, it wasn’t harmful.

Once the film ended, Jeno checked his watch for the time. 4 am, he wanted to do something else now instead of film viewing. You were on par with it, wanting to walk it out after being seated for hours. As you both cleaned up and bid the posters outside goodbye, the doors to the museum were locked unexpectedly. Impossible on Jeno’s half because he had the keys for every room, but he double-checked his bunch.

Alas, the keys for these doors specifically were missing. But there was no other way anyone could’ve gotten it, plus it’s not like the last person he talked to, which was Aphrodite, would need it.

Or did she?

Rather than putting any blame on each other, your only wish now was to return to your section before sunrise. You and he could just relax momentarily before yelling for help.

“Maybe we should watch another film first?”

“Alright, you choose while I return the rest.”

As Jeno inserted the cd of Cinema Paradiso inside, the background music of the opening played. He hummed the first notes, already feeling the love from this film. Another must-see classic as recommended by Renjun, he wanted to rewatch it with you.

Slowly returning each cd and film roll to their respective drawers, the melodious theme had you waltzing in the small space. Even beyond your life, classical music never gets old. Aging like fine wine, sounding spectacular as time passes because of people’s creativity.

Jeno gazed over your sudden movements, smiling uncontrollably at how immersed you were as you multi-tasked. However, you took a wrong turn by the desk and almost dropped a priceless film roll. But before you fully slipped and fell, a pair of strong arms caught you at the right time. Panting from the nerves, mostly when he was inches from your face. Never has he pressed his body this close to you to protect you, and never have you seen his captivating eyes this up close.

As enchanting as the background music of Ennio Morricone was, it only became noise once Jeno took ahold of the film roll on your hand and placing down on the desk. Taking another step closer, you were backed up by the edge. Not to mention how his height dignified his impact on you, your arms were still situated by your side with nowhere else to go.

That was until his finger elevated your chin so he could meet you on eye-to-eye level. His other hand gripping your waist, you became brave enough to place your hands by his broad shoulders. Licking your lips, you glanced at his lips quickly. But he noticed it, and as risky as this was, it was a leap of faith to take.

“May I kiss you?”

Always such a gentleman, even when he already knew how much you desired him through your returning affections. Calming your breath patterns by the speed of everything occurring, you came back to your senses. He’s the one who constantly told you not to forget your roots, so you were going to take this one.

You trust him, and he does too.

“Yes.”

Since the first film, some kind of tension increased the closer he moved or intimate his actions were towards you. You kept pushing it back in hopes not to ruin what you both have. But it only turned out to be mutual, especially how none of you held back as soon as his lips passionately clashed yours.

Tangling your arms around his neck, you stood on your tiptoes to press even closer to him. Feeling his lively heart pumping against your hollow chest, you bit his lower lip. Something you’ve secretly craved to do, he growled from the pleasure. He hoisted your waist to the desk, his impatient hands earnestly traveling all over your body. While your legs locked around his torso, your feisty nature leaned back so your entire body lied on the small desk.

Jeno was on top, placing one hand down to hold himself while the other squeezed your waist firmly. Even if you’re made of wax, you’re like an actual living woman at night. Everything about you becomes real until dawn. You emitted vulgar moans, giving him more access to your neck. Peppering a mix of soft to hard kisses, your hand teasingly snaked under his shirt. He really wasn’t joking when he bragged that he was quite ripped since he enjoyed sports and going to the gym, cupping a part of his toned abdomen.

“If you want something, all you have to do is ask.” He sluggishly sucked the area between your ear and neck, one of your weakest spots. “What’s on your mind, baby?”

The growing moistness in between your legs left a stain in your panties, trying to close your legs out of embarrassment. It’s been decades since you’ve been stimulated like this. However, Jeno beat you to it as he trailed the hand that was on your waist and lowering it right above your covered sex. He cupped it agonizingly slow, making you folding your leg from the pleasure. For a man who doesn’t date around, he knew exactly what he’s doing.

“I just kissed you, and you’re already this soaked. Can you handle me, baby?”

As the strong woman that you present yourself to be, it would selfishly take the right touch from the right man to weaken you. With his savage lips back on yours while your hands clutched on his shirt, he was simply waiting for a verbal answer, yet driving you completely mad. Everything was happening so fast, and here he was to please you in anywhere you seem fit.

You were deprived, and oh, you needed it more than ever.

However, seconds before you replied, there was loud rumbling from the main doors which stopped your devilish antics. As Jeno moved back from you to see the ruckus, you lifted yourself back up, pulling back your dress sleeves and flattening out the creases. The last thing you wanted was a trail of familiar red marks from the aggressive male, finding any reflective surfaces to check.

“I wouldn’t be that dumb to leave you hickies now, would I?” Jeno ended your worries as he placed his hands by your side again. His face leaned towards yours again, reliving the warmth in your cheeks. His lips were plumper, catching traces of your coral lipstick smudged there down to his jaw. He slotted himself again between your legs, grazing a hand on your waist and the other to your warm cheek. “The door’s unlocked now, and it’s 5 am. Do you want to clean up now?”

You playfully scoffed, aware that neither of you had plans to do that yet. Such a player while in the heat of the moment.

“Spare me 15 more minutes with you first.”

Hiding the romance you’ve both built failed without trying. Aphrodite spotted all the signs from your open physical affection and words of admiration, calling you two out in front of everyone without shame. She is the goddess of love, after all. You couldn’t fool her even if you tried.

Plus, she’s the one who locked the two of you up in the Theater Room that night. But neither of you know that.

“Sketch my ideal home?” Jeno bent down to the table, testing out his newly bought pens so they wouldn’t spill.

“Isn’t that why you decided to pursue Architecture in the first place? Come on now!” You pestered across him, opening your new sketchpad since your last one ran out of pages. As expected, Jeno bought you one when he went to the bookstore. As much as you insisted not to because he should use the money somewhere else, he did it anyway. He loved your works, encouraging you in any way he could.

When he was reminded of his humble beginnings of his passion for architecture by you, never had he envisioned exactly how his perfect home would be like. Settling down was so far beyond his mind, only focusing to graduate university then study for the licensure exams. However, he did miss drawing something for fun, not as a requirement. He also was the one who took charge of designing his dorm.

“Fine, only if you draw what your ideal home would’ve been if you never left London.”

Now as lovers, the only addition to your relationship were the public and private exchanges of affection. Deep conversations, film viewing, back and forth banter, you’re both still the same competitive duo everyone expected to be together. In public, the two of you held hands, hugged, kissed each other cheeks too when it felt right. Cleopatra’s face of fake nausea was priceless every time, while Princess Diana, Anne, and Katherine enjoyed it. It’s been years since they’ve seen this glow of adoration in you. Bit by bit, you’re going back to the old you. Except now, you’re a lot stronger.

Perhaps, this version of you proved wrong for the need for romance. Even if you made the choice not to settle down then, it would’ve been different if Jeno was in your universe then.

“Are you done there?” Jeno asked while you were finishing up your masterpiece. Life in London sounded fun when you were younger, having all these ideas on interior design and the like. An innocent time.

Instead of replying, you strode to his side and compared your pieces together. He pictured a two-story home, with a backyard and rooftop area. He definitely wanted to stay in the city as his whole life was based there. Although you preferred living in the countryside more for more freedom, you gave it a shot by pinpointing every detail of a wealthy typical Victorian-era home you liked. You desired a spacious lobby with a grand staircase in the middle, a crystal chandelier there too. The living room would have a small library and a grand piano, where wide doors leading to the grasslands were beside it.

Considering you two lived from different times, in a way your ideal homes were similar. Somewhere private, surrounded by nature and minimal furniture, you’re curious as to how it would look if the two of you fused them together. A mix of old and new, will it look pretty?

“What will look pretty?” Jeno questioned your random thought, looking back and forth at your sketches. “You know who’s pretty though?”

“If you say what I think you’re going to say, I’m lea-”

“You.”

Jeno has gotten flirtier since that night, always finding the right opportunity to flatter you. Although you denied them out of embarrassment, the butterflies in your stomach can’t lie to you.

You’re so smitten, and so was he.

Jeno’s always one to follow the rules, but so far, he’s been breaking some of them already.

Just last night, he gave Renjun access to the lively museum because he needed more research regarding you. Initially, he practically interviewed Jeno for every piece of information he gathered because he used to be so deep in the books to study everything about you. Now in the past, Renjun still couldn’t forget how Jeno drunkenly admitted how crazy he was going to be over you and your coldness whilst sobering up in the dorm.

He didn’t understand one bit by that, especially when you’re technically dead. But by the sight of the first piece Renjun saw alive, which was Zeus, he almost passed out. Piece by piece, he viewed these artworks come to life from his fresh eyes. Right before he could’ve screamed when Athena shot a lightbulb in their exhibit, you happily called out Jeno’s name.

Renjun froze on the spot upon seeing your wax figure come to life. He’s browsed through this museum numerously due to the new exhibits, but lately, he checked your section out to find any tiny details that were linked to your life. Aside from the sketchpad, compass, and hairpins, he wanted to know if there was more to your life as an explorer.

As human interactions except the night guard weren’t allowed, Renjun needed help for his project in Women Studies. Just like Jeno’s assignment, you aided him. Fruitfully answering every question he gave you, Athena popped out of nowhere to inspect Jeno.

“I see you’re breaking another rule.”

“I’m sorry, Athena. He was desperate, and it would be selfish of me to let him fail.”

“This is the last one I’ll let slide, alright?” Athena huffed, not impressed by the reckless behavior Jeno acquired over time. She saw this coming, but for a change, she couldn’t punish him. He was a young adult, still learning more about life. Only will she step in if things turn for the worst. “I can’t believe I’ve gained a soft spot for you.”

Jeno laughed, hugging the figure like his older sister. “You love me though!”

Glad to say, Renjun aced his project and kept his word of not telling anyone about the happenings in Jeno’s job. Jeno even made a makeshift non-disclosure contract so Renjun wouldn’t spill the slightest details.

Lately, so much has been happening in the museum that having alone time with each other was rare. And when you did, the two of you made sure to maximize it and make every intimate moment count. From each touch, each longing kiss, each moan, and groan, never were you left hanging whether you’re at the Theater Room, Jeno’s office, or the Foreign Art Room.

The only time the two of you went beyond the boundaries was at the indoor garden. Jeno managed to get the key to it, lighting up some candles before you invited you inside. Thanks to the magic of the Greek gods, the cameras were bewitched to display fake imageries when security checks in the morning after.

Upon your deep conversations, you’ve mentioned once or twice about the indoor garden. It was the latest addition of the museum, opening in the early 2000s. Because it was a sacred place, no art piece was ever allowed inside.

Yet again, Jeno challenged the rules again when he invited you inside. A few minutes before, he set up some lights along the hallway of the garden, where he placed a blanket, a picnic basket, and his laptop right at the end of it. The best place to view everything, he just knew you’d love it.

He was undoubtedly right once you gasped at such a pretty sight. Seeing the silhouettes of various flowers and plants together with the night sky with all the stars sparkling, it was like you’re attending another ball with your sisters, who were looking for suitors then.

Once Jeno leisurely led you until the end, he brought out all the delicacies from the basket. One of them was this Italian savory dish of dough with toppings such as cheese and pepperoni, or pizza as they named it. The next ones were fresh strawberries and melted chocolate, followed by grape juice.

“I’d drink actual alcohol with you again, only if I didn’t get shitfaced and do my job properly.”

“Point taken. Besides, this is close enough. So pour me a drink please.”

Perhaps this was the closest to a date Jeno could ever ask you out to. With the restrictions and being constrained with time, he brainstormed all sorts of ways to bring the outside world to you. From simply letting you wander around this fascinating room, he unleashed the inner romantic in him. None of his friends would’ve thought since they never asked him about it, so he kept it to himself only. Finally, he’s satisfied with what he prepared. After eating, the two of you would watch more films before the sun rose again.

You’re just the right person for him at the moment he can act that way.

After your quiet stroll and sitting back down, Jeno surprisingly handed you a tiny box.

“A gift?”

“Open it.” He sipped on his juice, paying attention to your actions. Gently untying the box, the amazement in your eyes couldn’t fathom such a lovely present. No words were required to verify that Jeno outdid himself again, just your facial expression alone is enough.

When Jeno said that he pays attention to the tiny details, he doesn’t bluff. Throughout your growing relationship, you’ve cited how you wanted another special flower in your life. Just because you couldn’t view lavender roses the same way ever again, it didn’t mean you wanted to kick them out of your life. Flowers were one of nature’s beautiful creations, so you’re wishing to find the love you once had for lavender roses in other ones.

Thus, you came across what you thought held the highest form of meaning: red roses. Despite its thorns, it’s still a marvelous flower. Innocently, you told him that just because of the memory of your father giving them to your mother on her birthday yearly.

Red roses represented true love and romance, a discreet message only those eager would know.

Jeno was one of them, which was why he reserved this gift for this very moment. It was a necklace he found through a college fair recently, a subtle red rose pendant in the center. Since he couldn’t give you huge gifts, he settled for something light. Something none of the guards or the director wouldn’t pinpoint out when they do their inspections.

“Do you like it?”

Not one utter from your mouth since you’re so hypnotized, your lips quirked up in a charming smile. “Is that even a question? This is astonishing, Jeno.”

After you attempted to put it around your neck, Jeno sighed and stepped in to help you out. “Turn around, (Y/N). Let me.”

The tension gradually heightened once you held your hair up so Jeno accessibly viewed your clean neck. Clasping the lock, it took all his might to hold himself back from you. Even from behind, your silhouette was attractive to him. The lights he set up weren’t helping the slightest of what he’s thinking to do with you.

“Done.” He breathily whispered in your ear.

**

If he thought he was the only one feeling something powerful, he’d be more than wrong. The lingering sensation of his slim fingers gracing your décolletage area unhinged another kind of want, the one you’ve only imagined in your mind when you were needy and alone. It shouldn’t be a sin unless you’re with the person you’ve fallen for, right?

Facing him again, the eye contact didn’t last long when you were the first one to strike a move. Jeno kissed back right away, his hands pulling you closer by your waist. Whatever sultry music Jeno played, it gave you the perfect momentum to grind on his lap. He groaned against kisses, adding his tongue. His thumbs sensually rubbed your hipbones, one of your hands toying around with his hair while the other one balled up his shirt by the chest. None of you cared if anyone caught you.

The last time you’ve been this aggressive was at the Theater Room, which eventually increased the hidden lust you’ve had towards each other. Taking things slowly at first, it’s about time to delve in for more. The mood was already set from the start, even if Jeno didn’t plan this to happen here. But being the prepared man he is, he did have a condom in his back pocket.

Your fingers trailed from his neck until his crotch. He was hard, sensing how suffocated he must be. But he kept himself in control. Locking eye contact, you sweetly spoke.

“Grant my second wish, Jeno.” That same hand of yours held one of his, planting it in your breast. “Make love to me.”

Giving the go-signal, he crashed his lips on yours while stripping you off your dress. Carefully, he turned you around to untie your tight corset. Once it fell, your neck leaned sideways as his lips attacked it madly. Your breaths were tremulous, placing both his hands on your freed breasts to knead with. His touch felt like fire on your skin, yet you couldn’t stop.

“Jeno,” Obscene moans from your lips choked out. You desired more, shifting back to face him again to attack his lips. Slowly feeling one of his hands laying you down, you spread your legs with ease just for him. He parted after your head landed on the cushion to unbutton himself. The way your mouth dropped to selfishly stare at his bare body, flexing them before getting back into position. He was fit and toned just as Cleopatra predicted.

As much as Jeno knew how wild your thoughts were getting, he was more taken aback by your perky chest.

“Fuck, you are divine.” He sucked one nipple as his fingers ventured to slip your panties down. So much was going on, you didn’t know which stimulated you more. You tried to close your legs around his hand, but he slapped your inner thigh to stop you.

The cool breeze shivered you, especially from your core. Jeno’s fingers adventurously grazed from your hip area to your lower lips. He teasingly rubbed it up and down in your essence, his index finger settling it right at your needy clit. Another moan escaped your lips, an opportunity for Jeno to slide his tongue in your mouth. Enjoying the moment, his fingers dipped inside you. A gasp broke your kiss, making him giggle in your ear.

He knew exactly what he was doing.

“Oh, angel. The things I want to do with you.”

Sliding them back and forth, curling it even, you squirmed for more. Dropping himself to meet your core, Jeno placed your legs on his shoulder. Pushing you closer, his steamy breath felt like friction. Your hips grinded against it, so he gripped on them so you stay put.

“Angel,” He chuckled darkly, his crotch tightening at how powerless you looked. “You’re so pretty.”

You were drenched from arousal. But to Jeno, you were glowing under the lights. He wanted to take his time to admire what he had done to you. His independent girl, only weak for him.

His fingers unfolded in your lower lips, diving in to your orbit. You could hardly speak from his skilled mouth, especially his tongue savagely lapping your clit in numerous paces. You’ve only daydreamed about what it could do aside from kissing, and it exceeded your expectations. By the heated sensation that had the heels of your feet digging his back deeply, you affirmed to have seen more stars than the night sky above you.

Your back arched uncontrollably while his hands grasped your hips to stay in place, the tears in your eyes formulating while tugging on his hair. Your thighs clenched around his face, but his broad shoulders widened it to taste more of you. No use of pulling away when his grip on you was tight, so you could only cry out from the pleasure.

“Fuck!”

The ringing sounds in your off were going off, your throat drying up from moaning once another orgasm was about to hit. Once the knot in you snapped, nothing could hold back your screams of pleasure whilst panting for air. Sensitive as he licked every remaining essence he caused, he smirked as he got up to unbuckle his jeans.

Oh, boy. He got quite a package behind his boxers.

Even while you were overly sensitive, you had to grasp it in your hands. He was yours, and you were his.

The way you clenched around his protected length, pausing to readjust yourself to the feeling. The foreplay deemed helpful, though the girth of him overwhelmed you. He stretched you out so good.

“Are you okay, (Y/N)?” The stunned face you made was expected, still feeling worried that it may be too much.

Biting your lip, you moaned once everything felt bearable. “You can move, Jeno.”

None of you could track exactly how many rounds you went through. Even in the semi-public area, it didn’t hinder either of you. There’s that thrill, and surprisingly enough, you both shared the liking of it. Always switching the positions, you decided to call it quits after another sloppy round in missionary. Something seeing Jeno on top, fully submitting yourself to him, made you feel calm to be vulnerable. It’s really the trust you’ve established from the start, making you rely on humans again once you’ve let the past be.

Jeno brought out another blanket, initially meant for cuddling. It was still applicable though, curling your body into a spoon towards his racing chest. Music was no longer noise, the intimacy creeping back instead of lust this time. The afterglow of Jeno, sweaty and knackered as his legs sprawled under the sheet, was a sight for sore eyes. He’s always been handsome while on duty, but post-sex gave him an extra boost.

Plus there’s pride from the red marks courtesy of you on his chest, grazing over it softly.

Jeno chuckled softly at your smooth fingers, lifting them up to kiss them tenderly before kissing your lips again. Only humans were capable of and to love, but you’re some kind of an exception. Regardless of the magic from the plate, you’d be able to love too if it weren’t for your background.

There’s so much love Jeno wanted to offer you, even if he hasn’t said it out loud yet.

Perhaps one reason was because time was beginning to tick. Finals were a few weeks away, then the one-month long semestral break until a new semester kicks off. Time really flew by, and his bank account and heart expanded too. Enjoying the now was all he could think of doing, but those uncertainties bothered him.

The biggest would be where you and he would stand when his job ended.

Jeno was too absorbed in his internal debate, as portrayed by his eyes staring off in space and running his hand in his hair repeatedly. Something was disturbing him, and you’re concerned as to what it was.

“Jeno,” Around his arm, you tapped his chest to get him out of it. “What’s going on in your head?”

Jeno approached every obstacle he faces straightforwardly, not wanting to let him hold back. Rarely did he keep secrets, especially from you. Instead of hiding away, he voiced it out.

“(Y/N), will we work out?”

“What do you mean, Jeno?”

You’re so occupied in the present that thinking of the future was never in your field. Like him, you’re just enjoying being in the moment. Though after tonight, it’s making you wonder if there’s a future.

“Well,” He placed his hand on top of yours, affectionately observing you. “Times flies faster when you’re having fun, and well, the semester is ending.”

His last words crushed a part of your heart, remembering his initial plan. None of you expected your friendship to bloom into what it is now, but life was just full of surprises without a schedule. At the same time, none of you wouldn’t have it any other way.

It may have been a few months since you two committed to each other, but the spark was still strong. It wasn’t like a summer romance kind of feeling. Time was not a determinant of love either, which you were certain of it with Jeno. A lot more than Junmyeon.

It should’ve frightened you when you realized your love for Jeno, but it didn’t. Even if you didn’t age physically, your mindset did. You’ve learned to forgive your younger self, and through Jeno, you let your guard down completely. From that, you let love in. Platonic to your fellow art pieces, and all of the above to Jeno.

Throughout your relationship, you regained all confidence in yourself and everything you set your mind to.

“I wouldn’t want to worry too much about it if I were you.” Your body flipped to lie on your stomach, resting your head on your palm.

“Why shouldn’t I, angel?”

Gazing back at him, you left a velvety kiss on his lips to rest his thoughts. His hand wrapped your neck, deepening it. But you pulled away with a giggle, all too knowing of his secret intentions as his cock began to harden again. His eyes narrowed down and his lower lip stuck out at your attempt of being a tease.

But enough about sex, you wanted to address a point.

Lee Jeno was going to be the biggest risk you wanted to take and fight for, and no one should try to stop you.

“I’ll ask Circe for a potion. For me, for you, for us.”

If it weren’t for insistent questioning towards every art piece, who kept their mouths shut, only Circe herself banished him from his suffering. Her series of potions varied, and the one you requested years ago which you threw out was capable of turning any art piece into a living human. No potion of Circe ever failed, so you entrusted your life for the day you do drink it.

“Are you sure, angel?”

Jeno knew about that one specifically, and as great to hear that you never threw it out, he never put pressure on you. He wanted you to do whatever felt right, even if deep down, he wished you’d use it. He was only worried about how the flow of the entire museum would be disrupted.

Typical Jeno always looking out for you, but you saw right through his concern. Here you were, caressing his check as reassurance. With an honest smile,

“I’ve never been more certain with anything in my life here until you came, Lee Jeno.”

Jeno opened up more to his life outside the museum, telling all sorts of experiences not just his days as a university student. From his childhood, his family, his travels, heck you even want to meet his friends at this point!

Newly, he shared with you how the sunrise and sunset looked like in Seoul with much vivacity. It’s a luxury as a human to witness as day breaks and ends, so you could imagine by yourself how it would look like. Sure, you had drawings and all, but that was from the real (Y/N) (Y/L/N).

This version of you wanted to live more; that’s your greed now.

“You’ve never touched snow too, right?” Jeno, who had his arm wrapped around you, silently watched the first batch of snow from inside.

“Yup, that’s the thing when you’re imprisoned in this place.” You sulked by his side, earning a chuckle from him who pulled you in closer.

“Don’t tell me now that you despise this place.”

“I don’t, but it hinders me to experience new things. The whole pattern of being awake at night by a plate gets tiring, Jeno.”

All Jeno would do when you’re frustrated was placing your head on his shoulder, listening as you talk.

“I know, angel. But it won’t be long until you leave this place with me, right?”

“You know it!” You interlocked your hands with him, eyes trained at every falling snowflake.

Sometimes, moments in silence with Jeno were all you needed for the night. Being within each other’s presence, focusing or admiring something from afar, it was all the peace you’ve needed from the bustling art pieces.

This week was the last of the semester, and Jeno’s off duty for tonight to focus on his exams. You’ll see him tomorrow night, which was his last shift ever, and also yours too.

Perhaps the biggest milestone you’re committing to without any regrets.

However, it took an unnecessary conversation you accidentally eavesdropped on to rock your decision.

You needed more ink after running out mid-way of sketching the sculptures as a secret parting gift. Before you could take a single step inside your exhibit room, a series of voices were full-on arguing. Booming back and forth, you peeped your ear out whilst hiding against the door.

“Athena, how dare you did to her?! She’s done so well from moving on from it, falling in love even! And now you’re telling me this?!” The distinct voice of Princess Diana, who spoke sweetly most of the time, boomed towards the Greek god. “You’re heartless.”

“I did what I had to do for the sake of this place, Diana!” Athena raised her voice, the lightning in her hands holding back from lashing out. She hated it when anyone argued with her, especially when she does things according to what she believed was necessary. Out of everyone, she had more leadership. “She had to know that her place is here as a wax figure, not outside. Talking Junmyeon out of it was for the best, plus it’s ideal when he drank the potion of memory loss from Circe.”

“But it tore her apart when he left her, and it’s going to tear her again if you do the same with Jeno.”

“How else are you going to approach the situation then, Diana? Those two have broken the highest golden rule, so they need to wake up.”

Right when she celebrated within herself for healing, hearing the unbearable revelation behind the past devastated you. This whole time, she internally blamed herself for being ageless and lashed out at others. The scary past barged back in, and you couldn’t handle it anymore.

Somewhere in the corner, you wept without a trace. You could care less about Athena’s opinions, but you found yourself agreeing to some of her words. You had a role to fulfill, and leaving that behind would be selfish and it could make the museum go topsy-turvy. As painful for Junmyeon to leave you, it was because the truth hurts. Nothing could change it, even if Circe could be your solution because it’ll leave a lot of questions. You didn’t want Jeno to be seen as a suspect.

Oh, Jeno.

There’s nothing wrong with falling in love either, you didn’t intend it to happen. But it becomes unfair when it compromises with your purpose, and that’s not how you are. You’ll always remember Jeno as your biggest risk, though it’s time to end things. Treacherous as it was to accept for you, risk-takers have boundaries too.

Fast forward, on the night of Jeno’s last shift, you’ve cherished every second with him. Playing around, chatting with other art pieces, kissing in private, you made it count. Before dawn broke, that’s where you chose to come clean by the garden, your sacred place. Not even your self-reassurance could prepare you to witness the hurt and confusion Jeno felt.

“You’re a mortal, and you still get to choose your path. Mine is already predetermined here as a wax copy of a historical figure.” You advised as you held both his hands, your voice shaking at the reality.

A few days ago, you were beaming with exhilaration at a new journey but now you’ve permanently backed out. Jeno couldn’t comprehend, and as much as he tried, he couldn’t. A life without you by his side would be empty and dull. “Even so, there are things about you that the original person didn’t have.”

Arguing with him wasn’t your favorite, and it’ll leave the two of you in a bad mood. But there is no way to negotiate this; you’ve already made up your mind. “We must end this, Jeno. You need someone who can grow old with you, and I can’t be that person for you.”

“But we can make it work!” His hands gripped on your slumped shoulders, whilst your face avoiding his to spare yourself from the heartache. “There’s still Circe.”

“I know, but recently, I found out that she’s an indirect cause of my misery.” Pulling away from his touch, you belted with frustration. “I cannot do this anymore, Jeno.”

You’ve always fought for whatever you wanted in life, and Jeno knew he was one of them if it weren’t for you telling him that. So he did the same, thinking of ways to make you feel whole. Now, he couldn’t tolerate the sudden crumbling of his heart from your outburst, and all he wanted to know was why you felt this way. How could he help you?

You don’t keep secrets from Jeno, but the truth behind your harsh actions cannot be revealed for the sake of the museum. Plus, you didn’t want him to despise this place he admired. Causing him pain wasn’t on your list, but keeping him safe was. It may be shown differently and he may not understand it now, but over time, he will.

“Jeno, you’ll find someone better out there. Someone with their whole life ahead of them, who’ll love you for everything that makes you who you are.” Repetitive punches in your guts urged you to barf at your half-lie, but you held it in.

“Why are you pushing me away? What happened to taking risks, (Y/N)?” Jeno interrogated, taking your hands in his hands again. They unconventionally quivered, like his lips. Jeno has never cried in front of anyone, not even when he was younger. Though for you, he just might. “Am I not worth it for you?”

Dear heavens, he was wrong. You internally screamed that, but you can’t let your selfishness seize the night. As Athena said, you had to wake up from your dream. “Committing to you was my biggest risk of them all, Jeno. Everything else that went along with it, I don’t regret it one bit. But time’s really up for us, and we must resume our normal duties.”

“I can’t lose you, (Y/N).”

“You never will, Jeno.”

He crouched lower to meet your height, his finger moving your head so you’d look at him back. Weakly enough, you did. “I want you to be a part of my normal life, angel.”

“I’ll always be here, you know. I’ll be standing in my usual spot upstairs, and you can drop by whenever you can.” You pressed your lips, lifting your head to avoid incoming tears. Meanwhile, he began shedding a few. You’ve hurt him big time, and you’ll never forgive yourself for this. “I still have one wish, right?”

Jeno’s sorrow was beyond his capacity, leaning his forehead against yours to kiss it. No matter what he could say or do, he already knew it won’t be effective. You’re affirmative in your choices, yet he still wanted to challenge it. All he wanted to know was why you’re doing this.

“Let me walk you one last time to your section.”

The black night sky had remnants of blue, motioning that dawn was approaching. Other figures gave their goodbyes to Jeno earlier, cleaning up their areas before they pose. Though none of them anticipated such a cold atmosphere between you two, they could only spy on what was bound to happen.

“My last wish is for you to let me go, Jeno.” You avowed, blinking your eyes with faux positivity. Your hands patted his blazer so it wouldn’t crease. “I already have a role to fulfill here, and you’re on the way to yours, future architect.”

“I love you, (Y/N) (Y/L/N).” Only tonight did he muster his courage to finally admit it to you after giving himself more time to analyze it. Timing was always crucial, and the badness of it showed.

Deep in your heart, you resonated the feeling. But it’ll make things more complicated, and it was the final thing you’ve wanted to occur. Someone had to be the strong one, and now, it should be you. With one more compassionate kiss on his lips, you stepped inside your section and readied your position.

“Goodbye, Lee Jeno.”

The sunshine brightened the room, and you’ve frozen to slumber again.

All Jeno could do was drop on his knees, sobbing over your rash actions. Unknown to him, a single tear left your eye as you posed.

Regardless of what status you were in, the pain of it all remained.

Jeno spent most of his semestral break with his friends to travel or whatnot, trying to forget it all. Even if he aced all his finals, his efforts felt like nothing if he never had you by his side to celebrate.

The sting over his short-lived romance with you never diminished the slightest, no one whom he could express his pain about it to especially when Renjun drank the memory wipe potion that Athena initially left for Jeno by his desk.

Forget it all, and live a peaceful life. You have so much potential, my mentee.

- Athena

Perhaps this was the same thing Junmyeon drank all those years ago, but unlike him, he didn’t have the guts to. He still wanted another chance.

So every day since the new semester began, he spent every afternoon break at your section. He’ll be seated by the bench, doing his assignments and talking about his day while sometimes stealing a glance of your figure. Some habits don’t change.

He never got sick of the same smile you exemplified, falling even more for you. He’ll often wonder what you’ve been up to.

What are your new sketches?

Are you taking care of Mochi well?

Have you apologized to Sanghoon yet?

Speaking of him, he surprisingly scooted over to Jeno’s side. This was the first time Jeno met the man, and politely enough greeted him. Sanghoon interviewed the boy, asking all sorts of questions that Jeno had every answer to. The biggest change that Sanghoon noticed since he left was your personality. You no longer bite, but treat everyone kindly without bias. You’re always active to help him out in cleaning the lobby, and you don’t go easily defensive.

Once he found out that Jeno was the reason for that, he was overjoyed at the start and wanted to meet him some way. You were a tough cookie, but now you relaxed. That was all that mattered to him, hoping to know more about him from you. That was until Diana stepped in and told him everything that happened. Mostly, the bad.

Playfulness eventually bore love. The last time you fell in love was in the 80s and Junmyeon pushed you away, he recalled. This time, you’re pushing Jeno away because you simply agreed with Athena’s points.

This wasn’t right, but it wasn’t his place to interfere.

But then again, he finally caught Jeno for the first time today and this time, he was open to hearing his side of the story. Lessen his misery too.

“No matter how stubborn she is, she loves you.” He advised him, bringing out one of your full sketchbooks. As Jeno opened it, the majority of the portraits were him. Sleeping, smiling, laughing, you drew him from every minor detail you could spot like the mole near his eye and his crescent eyes.

A handsome face I would never get sick until the end of time. Someone I want to wake up to every day in the morning if it weren’t for that plate.

- (Y/N)

Towards the end, a sketch of a house unfolded. The interior was a fusion of modernity and old royal design due to its white walls, wide space, and the placing of less furniture, plus an open backyard. There’s another tiny comment on the side from you.

I was right. Joining our varying designs together is pretty. Maybe Jeno and I could live in a house like this one day.

- (Y/N)

If you loved him so much, why did you let him go then when you had all these plans with him? Even if he tried to understand, he just didn’t.

“Don’t give up just yet when she told you to.”

“Are you just saying this or something?”

“Well, Princess Diana passed this message on but after everything, I believe that she’s right.” Sanghoon gave his opinion, but Jeno was reluctant to accept it.

“I never got a proper explanation why she suddenly changed her mind, Sanghoon.” He ranted, raking his hand through his hair from puzzlement. “Did I do something wrong?”

Sanghoon pitied him, having the upper hand and questioning himself whether to reveal the truth. However, since this boy took the job, he’s succumbed to secrecy. Without any transparency, it could drive someone mad. He’s too young for that, so Sanghoon breathed in defeat and placed his hand on Jeno’s shoulder.

“Promise me you won’t be mad when I tell you because I was when I found out; almost screamed even.”

Jeno nodded, listening to whatever Sanghoon had to say.

Of all people, he never would’ve expected Athena to do such a brash thing. Someone he respected and trusted, only to betray him by doing something she believed was good for all. Except it wasn’t, and it ended up hurting you all these years. The woman he loved, now he’s a clearer understanding of why you did what you did. Yet, it can’t fix his excruciation.

Heartbroken was an understatement; he had no one to rely on. With Sanghoon, he finally had a proper breakdown. The older man could only comfort his quietly, picturing him like one of his sons going through a hard time in school. But if it involves the heart, it’ll take more time to recover.

“You’re always the one adjusting, Jeno. But I think this time, you’re the one who needs space.”

A Year and a Half Later

“Jeno Lee!!!” Jaemin roughly wallowed his best friend in a hug when he arrived in their dorm room for the first time in a long time. “You dyed your hair blonde again!”

Renjun, who was behind the two of them, only rolled his eyes as he helped carry Jeno’s bags. “God damn it, Jaemin! You’re supposed to be helping me first!”

“I know, but give me a few seconds! I’m just happy our group is back together!”

Jeno laughed at his friends’ annoying yet silly dynamics, giddy to be back home. For a year, Jeno spent his 3rd year of university in Rome, Italy after one of his professors brought up to him about a scholarship program there for his course. At the time where he needed a change of scenery, he sent his application form and got interviewed.

Acing it, he had the opportunity to fly across the world to study and travel. His English skills surely improved, even picking up Italian words along the way due to a required class for it. He studied the history of different locations and how they were built.

He also went on field trips almost every day if it weren’t for the Italian students assigned to tour him around, academic and non-academic. Nights he spent on drinking wine on the rooftop of his dorm with them, screaming his complaints in the world with them.

It didn’t hit him that his stay was reaching its end until he submitted his final plate. His goodbye party didn’t even feel like one, but a see you later in the next few years after he becomes a licensed architect with money. His goal of it felt more realistic, motivating him to excel in his remaining years in university.

After unpacking half of his things, he was reminded of an email from one of the head professors, who requested another copy of his confidential documents from the Italian university he went to as soon as he’s back on campus.

He raced to the department with a folder of them and luckily encountered the said professor. Handing it to him, this professor questioned how he was and what experiences he gained from the trip. With excitement, Jeno spoke all sorts of tales from his adventures, highlighting how determined he was now to be an architect.

“That’s great to hear, Jeno!” He celebrated, checking on his watch, and widened his eyes. Frantic at his colliding schedules, he asked Jeno for a favor. It turned out that at the same time as his emergency meeting, he’s supposed to tour the new transferee student around campus.

“Only if you have time, Jeno! I could always ask another student, plus you just came back and need rest.”

“It’s not like I left for a decade, sir. No worries, I’ll do it.”

“Oh, bless your soul.” He put his hands together in prayer position, bowing back and forth with gratitude. “Wait, she’s right outside! Go ahead and introduce yourself.”

Jeno nodded, exiting right through the department doors. This girl had her back turned, inspecting her surroundings. She wore a black and white tweed blazer that matched with her skirt, black high heeled boots, and a black handbag. She must be a foreigner, Jeno thought.

“Excuse me, are you the transferee in the department of Architecture?”

Jeno didn’t brace himself for the surprise he’d face once this girl reacted to him calling her out. Her face was one he could never forget, no matter how many times he told himself to. The same face he convinced his heart to stop beating for, yet it lied.

This radiant face was none other than yours.

Jeno almost dropped his phone. He tried his best to hold on to your promise, but he failed. It was the main reason he studied abroad; to forget and focus on his career path. So the least thing he could’ve done was to study hard for his dream career.

Just a glimpse of you projected back every single memory you’ve had together. Beautiful yet heart-wrenching, he kept his emotions to himself.

You even wore the rose necklace he got you. Could it be?

“It’s been a while, Lee Jeno.” You took the metaphorical scissors to cut the tension, trying to contain the crushing feelings. The faculty center was a public place, yet it’s like the two of you were on the main stage.

“Do you remember me?” Astounded, you nodded. Every single detail.

Jeno could’ve ran away, but didn’t. He could’ve left you hanging, but didn’t. He can no longer count how many times you’ve appeared in his dreams, only to be disappointed when morning comes to not have you in his arms. He took one step closer, taking his time.

“How do you know me?”

“You’re the boy whom I helped with his assignment, argued with me over Romeo and Juliet,” You mimicked his move, making you one step nearer to him. “And most of all, the boy I once gave my entire heart to.”

Another step, leaving a few inches between the two of you. His heart palpitated without caffeine. What if he was napping in his dorm again? It was all surreal. “Is it really you, (Y/N)?”

Hearing your name from his lips lowered your guard, you pleased him with a hopeful grin. “I’d be dust by now if I didn’t drink Circe’s potion, right?”

That’s where Jeno unchained himself from his emotions. He engulfed in a warm hug, one that has no plans to let go when his chin planted on your shoulder. You returned the gesture, dropping all your worries away along with your bag and papers as your arms snaked through his neck.

You knew you had to part ways for a while after everything, though you were unsure how he’d feel about it. You recalled every time he visited you after his job ended up until his intense chat with Sanghoon, where he bawled his heart out. You couldn’t take it anymore after trying to stay strong, crying as soon as you woke up that night.

All your fellow figures could do was soothe you down like before to the best of their abilities, yet this time, it was unsuccessful. You’re filled with misery, realizing later how much of a big mistake you’ve made.

You’ve isolated yourself again for a while, but less rudeness and more silence. It was until Circe visited you. She doesn’t like getting involved with drama, though now was different. She, alongside Hera and Aphrodite, couldn’t withstand you tolerating the heartbreak again. So they went behind Athena’s back on this one time and created a potion together just for you. But with a compromise.

“This potion can turn you into a human. However, there’s only a 10% chance you’ll regain all your memories from this place.”

“So I’ll forget everyone and him?”

“Yes, unfortunately.” You’re about to shoo her away, not in the mood to do something drastic as that. But Circe grabbed your arm again. “I strongly believe that if you and he meant to be, then there will come a time these past memories will suddenly surge at you.”

“Must I need to forget to live properly?”

You’re stubborn, and Circe expected it. “You’ve broken so many golden rules, (Y/N), so it must be done. I’ve gone against Athena for this potion, and rarely have I done that. So rather than wallowing up in misery, you should focus on yourself. Do what makes you happy because this place is trapping you from every great thing out there.”

Those were the word that the actual (Y/N) (Y/L/N) lived by, nevertheless, you’re unique from her. You built a separate identity from her. “But Jeno-”

“At the right time, (Y/N). Pull yourself together and do all the things you’ve dreamt of before he came into the picture. I just know he loves you that much, and that he will wait for you.”

That same night, you gathered all your senses and drank it. The transition was fast as lightning speed, and behold, you were like a new person. You’re back in London, with a family that closely resembled your former one; only 3 older siblings, making you the youngest. You also had a new set of memories, from childhood until your adult years.

From (Y/N) (Y/L/N), you became (Y/N) Edwards.

It took one drunken night out with your university friends for the unlikely surge of old memories to speedily hit through your intoxicated state. Way beyond a dream, you’ve dropped your shot glass and broke down in the bathroom of your dorm room. You left something unaccomplished, and you had to do something before it’s too late.

Thus, you rushed to Seoul thanks to your parents’ support as they agreed that exploring outside your home country was a great experience. The only excuse you gave to your friends for the sudden transfer was you finding a new calling.

Sure, studying abroad was an exciting thing but you’re more determined to reunite with him. Even if this encounter was unforeseen, it was bound to happen one day. It so turned out that you had the same major in your former university and this new one.

Head to toe, you remembered everything.

“I’m so sorry I took so long.” You cradled your head on his chest, unaware of how your new life left Jeno so troubled.

“That doesn’t matter anymore.” Jeno tightened his grip, scared of releasing you again. Those two years felt like a breath of fresh air and a punch in the gut. “I tried to live up to your last wish, but I really can’t.”

“I want to take that wish back, Jeno. I wasn’t thinking right and only ended putting you through so much.”

“Oh, angel. I slowly understood why you did it.” Before he got too fragile, he softened his grip on you and showed his face again to you. He wanted a better look at his pretty girl, his fingers brushing strands of your hair behind your ear. Heart-fluttering, you bit your bottom lip. “What would you want to wish for instead?”

“Instead of you letting me go, I wish you could take me back and love me again. I can’t undo the past, but I’d still like to think I’ve tried my best.” That was the only wish you could ever think of. As huge as it was, it was something he may not accept. Yet you gave it a go, risking it all. “I don’t deserve you at all, Jeno.”

“Don’t say that, (Y/N).” One of his hands grabbed yours, putting it on his cheek. Cupping it, “I’ve never stopped loving you, you know.”

Oh, love. An all-too familiar emotion that either makes or breaks you. Of all the times you could’ve said those words, you held back, especially that wretched night you two broke it off. Although you showed it, being able to say it to someone felt more empowering.

This was finally the chance you’ve unconsciously waited for.

“I’m stupid for not saying this sooner.”

“What is it?”

With intimate eye contact, you drowned in the comfort of his brown orbs. You trusted him then, and you trusted him now. “I love you, Lee Jeno.”

Secretly, Jeno anticipated for the day you’d say those meaningful 3 words. Just like you, he showed more affection through actions than words. He only admitted when he lost you, and never would he do the same mistake again. If he felt that the love was strongly present, he will say it aloud.

“I love you still, (Y/N).” His arm around your waist tugged you in further. “I loved you as (Y/N) (Y/L/N) and I will continue to love you as (Y/N) Edwards.”

He peeked on your ID earlier, but regardless, he stood by his truth. You’re still the same (Y/N).

Finally, he closed the limited space between your lips. The memories of your past romance replayed in sync of every touching kiss, popping one leg up like in the movies. The Princess Diaries, specifically. Like in the museum from your unbearable parting, one warm tear freed itself down your cheek.

The sweetness of being reunited with you again beat the torturous wait of Jeno. Time really made your hearts grow fonder. As everyone said, if the love between two people is real, then it’ll find its way back to each other.

The world must be on your side too because no professor called you two out on your public display of affection. Jeno pecked your lips one time before stepping away, picking up the things you dropped.

“Now come on, I have to tour you around as instructed.”

You stomped on your feet, rolling your eyes from being left hanging. He’s still the same tease from before. “After that kiss though, I would’ve thought we could reschedule it.”

“No can do, Edwards.” Passing over your things, he wrapped one arm around you as he escorted you out of the building. The university was huge, with more buildings and green fields surrounded everywhere. “Left or right? There are a lot of places you missed out on all those years.”

“Point taken. Then you lead the way, my love.”

[sitp-recs]

(Perfect artwork for Modern Love, by @cambiodipolvere)

Today is the day of one of my favorite people! And I totally resent @tackytigerfic and Starry for almost sharing the same birthday, god the STRESS 😂 Tacky is my first and closest fandom friend. We clicked together so fast and easy that sometimes it feels like I’ve known her all my life, like we’re two dog moms living in the same neighborhood who happen to read fic in their free time. Despite our conflicting time zones and crazy schedules we manage to chat every other day, tagging and sending each other all kinds of stuff, coming together to cry scream about a brilliant fic we’ve just read or shaking our heads in embarrassment at every other unnecessary bullshit post. Tacky’s bright and wise energy uplifts my spirit even on my moody days, and makes me grateful for her friendship and for this fandom life. Okay so this got long and I had to put the rest under the cut:

It’s such a lovely and precious thing, to have someone with whom you can share every single thought that crosses your mind, your scariest, most embarrassing, petty or disturbing idea, without fear of being shamed or judged by it. I trust Tacky with all my heart to hear me out, share a joke or a piece of advice, even on the (rare) occasions when we don’t get the same perspective - that doesn’t happen often when it comes to Drarry, as we are taste twins!

Tacky my darling, you’re such a good person, and such an incredible friend. Thank you for introducing me to this lovely community, for being my safe haven and your unique self, with so many qualities I admire and feel inspired by: kind, witty, earnest, wise, and so very human. I love your humour and empathy, and your chill yet no-nonsense personality; I love your talent and how articulated you are; I love your passion for Drarry, and how you let this emotion inform the way you navigate the fandom and create for it. And god, but you’ve been creating some of the most beautiful content I’ve seen in these recent years! I’m permanently in awe of your ability to write Drarry in any shape, format or length, transforming even the most ordinary moment into an extraordinary and meaningful piece of character or relationship development. You know how you mentioned yesterday that some authors change the way you feel about a ship in a deep, definitive way? Well, you are that author for me. Your works made me fall in love with M-rated contemplative romance, and also allowed me to fall in love with Harry in a way I never thought it was possible before.

Some people - myself included - got to know you through the fun and intriguing A Lick and a Promise, others through the atmospheric and sensitive Modern Love, others through your contemplative and heartbreaking short form. Each story has its merits and purpose, and all of them share a Tacky trademark: the heartkick factor! Your talent has no limits and goes across different genres and tropes, that you explore with a bold twist full of personality and heart. And even more impressive is your consistency at always raising the bar - every new fic of yours becomes an instant fave and makes me think “wow I thought Tacky couldn’t get better yet here we are”. Seeing how your writing evolves as you find your narrative voice is a beautiful and humbling experience, I feel so lucky!

I’m really grateful for being active in the fandom at this moment in time, because that allows me to read and engage with your brilliant work, and to have you as a dear friend. I can’t wait to see what comes out of your beautiful brain next. It was an impossible job choosing a single fic to rec today, so I decided to do a belated Tacky reclist! Naturally these are my personal and biased must-reads, and I urge everyone to go check these beauties right now. Feel free to include your own favorites too, and don’t forget to leave them some appreciation.

Happy happy birthday my darling Tacky! This fandom life wouldn’t be the same without you. I hope you have the amazing day you deserve!

Between the Power Lines (2020, M, 3.2k)

The road trip fic you didn’t know you needed. I got utterly immersed in the heartbreaking quietness of this, feeling like a witness to an ordinary yet poignant love story. Such tender intimacy, such character development, such lovely American aesthetics with barely any dialogue. This is, IMO, the fic that reveals Tacky’s triumph in storytelling.

Even the Night (2020, M, 3.4k)

This fic has a surreal atmosphere, those Midsummer vibes unbelievably sexy and intoxicating linked to the sensorial experience of fumbling together in the night. Masterclass in tension building, a silky and languid dream-like affair.

Aim for my Heart (2021, M, 3.4k) - Harry/Draco/Ron

One of the most sensitive and stunning portraits I’ve ever seen of a poly/triad relationship, this fic packs so much character and longing! It’s a privilege to watch Ron and Draco’s tentative dynamics through the smitten eyes of the one person that loves them like no one else: Harry.

The Long Fall (2021, M, 3.6k)

I can’t even write about this tender domesticity without getting a lump in my throat. Best opening scene I’ve read in years, and a refreshing way to approach both mpreg and parenthood, painfully honest and lovely. This became an immediate comfort read for me, and it’s probably one of the fics I revisit the most.

Mortal Frame (2021, M, 6.6k)

This thrilling, fast-paced spy story left me breathless since the first paragraph, gods what an immersive ride! I’m so here for Drarry on the run, sharp and urgent with danger but mellowed by the silent trust and tender intimacy only Tacky can master. Major bonus points for the brilliant take on the Horcrux hunt plot line!

Last Offices (2020, M, 6.7k)

Oh, this fic 💔 I tend to avoid MCD but there’s something so deeply fascinating about body washing rituals that I caught myself mesmerized by this. I just couldn’t put it down, so emotionally compromised I felt. There’s a sort of strange comfort in the heartbreak of doing one last act of service out of devotion to someone. This fic inspired so many difficult but lovely feelings in me, and one of them was hope. Only Tacky could possibly achieve that!

Our Little Life (2020, M, 7.2k)

Inventive and singular, this story hit me straight on the solar plexus and left me speechless as I saw the (clever, magical and bittersweet) plot unravel. Such a fabulous take on alternate universes and all the angst potential behind it. Come and bask in the yearning melancholia of a short yet intricate and perfectly executed plot.

And One to Play (2019, E, 21k)

What a fun and delightful fic, I can’t have enough of pining Harry losing all sense of propriety when faced with a hot, competent and pragmatic Draco. This has fab dynamics, unhinged protectiveness, even more unhinged attraction between two idiots who can’t keep their hands off each other. A must-read for any Auror partners fan!

A Lick and a Promise (2019, E, 55k)

Hot, BAMF Professors carefully balancing a fuck buddies situation while solving a Hogwarts mystery, do we need anything else? I certainly do not. This fic is so fun and intriguing and immersive, with amazing supportive cast and a delicious get together feat secret shagging and oblivious pining. Love it!

Modern Love (2020, E, 61k)

My favorite read of 2020, this fic is a love letter to Drarry and will always hold a piece of my soul. Sensitive, wistful, tenderly aching and so very romantic, this is a Muggle Draco triumph with a superb Harry, exquisite slow burn and a side of suds comfort. I promise it will be impossible to listen to Bowie again without thinking of this love story.

Bonus: five stunning drabbles!

Something in the Way (2021, T, 119 words)

“Up,” he said, and Draco, sick with love, raised his arms above his head and allowed Potter to slide the jumper on him, big hands stroking it flat over Draco’s stomach until they both shivered.

Stir-Up Sunday (2020, M, 300 words)

“I want you always,” he said, tugging again on the fine curling length of it. “Is it okay to say that?”

Whalebone Arch (2021, M, 722 words)

“Are you still not talking to me?” Draco steered Harry towards the crisps. “Do I have to suck you off in the loo to cheer you up?”

Semiplume (2021, T, 923 words)

“Did you know,” Harry murmured, and he put his arms around Draco, fearless. “I’d be your mate. If you needed a mate, I mean.”

Relic Radiation (2021, M, 927 words)

“You’ll kill me,” Harry said, and Draco turned his face towards the darkened sky, lunar pale, his profile some stupid unearthly thing—a flaring blazar, a supernova—in the light from the kitchen window.

[lostcauses-noregrets]

i’ve read some anon asks from your blog so i know similar questions like this have been asked before, but mine feels a little bit more specific; i’ve seen some people (eruris, specifically) say that erwin’s love for levi is not as deep and unconditional as levi’s is for erwin, because while levi would drop everything, the world, and his own life for erwin, erwin puts his father’s dream and the truth over everything else, and if necessary he would sacrifice levi. what do you think? (1) —anon123

here is the second part i didn’t have space to continue, obv levi is humanity’s strongest and in canon his skill is needed to find the truth and for humanity’s survival so erwin wouldn’t sacrifice him, but what if lets say he no longer filled that role for some reason? basically i’m asking if you agree that erwins dream of finding the truth prevents him from loving levi as much as levi loves him (2) —anon123

(pt 3) here’s the thing though, i don’t want to believe that erwin would ever do such a thing or be like that but at the same time i want to be realistic as possible so i wanted an unbiased answer… and since isayama himself said that “erwin is not the type of person to prioritize his own dream” i think it is completely right for me to think that erwin would never sacrifice levi right? after all, isn’t their love supposed to be mutual and equal to the same depth and vastness? (3) —anon123

Ooft there’s a lot going on here…

First of all I can’t give you an “unbiased answer”. We all have our own biases and I’m no different from anyone else in that respect. Also I don’t know many Eruris who don’t believe that Erwin and Levi’s relationship was mutual and equal and that Erwin understood and reciprocated Levi’s feelings for him. I do get a lot of asks along the lines of “I’m an Eruri but…” which usually means that Anon is most definitely not an Eruri and is angling to wind me up or cause trouble. However I have answered several of these asks over the years about whether Erwin reciprocates Levi’s love and devotion and I believe that he does.

Your question is slightly different though:

“basically i’m asking if you agree that erwins dream of finding the truth prevents him from loving levi as much as levi loves him”

I don’t believe that’s the case because I don’t think you can quantify love in that way. That’s not how love works. I don’t think it’s meaningful to weigh one person’s love against another’s and judge one greater or lesser because everyone loves differently and expresses their love in ways that are unique to them. Also love does not exclude other goals. It’s perfectly possible to love someone deeply but also be fully committed to a cause or purpose.

It’s important to remember that Levi chose to follow Erwin precisely because he had a vision and a purpose. It’s the starting point for their relationship and it underpins everything thereafter. Erwin and Levi are both willing to sacrifice everything, including their own lives and the lives of each other, for the cause they are fighting for; saving humanity. In the Smartpass Erwin and Levi Up Close Interview, Erwin acknowledges that he doesn’t hesitate to put Levi in harms way

"On the battlefield, he has also faithfully completed the tasks I have assigned to him. Despite his warmhearted nature, I’ve asked him to carry out some cruel missions…"

And Levi also comments

"If Erwin was someone soft-hearted enough to compromise battle strategy, I wouldn’t follow him."

But at the same time, Levi also knows that if they are to achieve their goal of reaching the basement and uncovering the truth of the world, Erwin must sacrifice his life, and, much as it pains him, he is the one that gives Erwin the final motivation he needs to die for the cause they have both fought so hard for.

As we know though, Levi may have been willing to sacrifice Erwin’s life, but the one thing he was not willing to sacrifice was his humanity, and that’s what led to his decision on the rooftop in Shiganshina. And yes, I agree that if their positions had been reversed on that rooftop, Erwin would have made the same decision. If Levi had been mortally wounded, I don’t think Erwin would have been willing to turn him into a monster to force him to keep on fighting, I don’t believe that’s a sacrifice he would have been willing or able to make.

I hope that answers your question Anon, with disclaimers for biases as usual.

[delyth88]

Something I’ve been thinking about since watching the first episode of Loki last week, is how it’s similar to Thor: Ragnarok in some ways, but is more respectful of the original films.

If you don’t want to read anything negative about Ragnarok, or positive about the series, this is your chance to step away.   Also, spoilers for episode 1.

In Thor Ragnarok one of the aims was to freshen up the character of Thor, and they chose to do this by stripping him of all the trappings surrounding him – his hammer, his hair, his red cape, his friends, Odin, Asgard.

In episode 1 of Loki they also take away his traditional choice of clothing, his magic, his family, Asgard. (I think they’re also taking away Thanos, through removing this variant of Loki from the flow of time and showing Loki that Thanos eventually catches up with him in the first episode, removing suspense about that. Although we’ll have to wait and see if that topic is brought up again in a later episode, but my money is on them not mentioning it.)

But there’s a difference in how they do this.

In Ragnarok they reference the previous films through a play that is shown as over-dramatic and a bit silly. All significance of the events it refers to is watered down, and the audience is effectively told “hey don’t worry about all of that, none of it’s relevant to this story”.  As a fan of the first two Thor films this by extension makes me feel rejected and ridiculed.  That any serious emotional attachment I had to those characters or events should be set aside because it won’t be relevant to the film you’re about to see.

In contrast, in the first episode of Loki they created distance from the event of the previous four films but they did it in a way that made me as a fan feel like they valued what had come before, and by extension value my emotional investment in these characters and their relationships.  They spent time on it – lots of time.  They spent just over half of the episode referencing the previous films and some of the most significant moments relating to Loki’s life.  And in a way that showed they were still deeply relevant to Loki in his current situation. Even while making it quite clear that there would be no revisiting these points in his life, and that the series would be striking out in a new direction.  And in doing this it felt like a goodbye of sorts, to these characters, and to Loki’s past, for Loki, and certainly for the audience. And I appreciated this.  Sure, I’d have preferred a series that did a better job at dealing with Loki’s family drama now that he is the main character and there is time in a six episode series to do it justice, but knowing they’re not going to do that, I felt at least like this acknowledged some of Loki’s history, some of his pain (cough *Thanos* cough *Jotun* cough – actually, to be fair, the writers had a massive pool of pain and regret to choose from for Loki, so perhaps I should cut them some slack for not including almost literally every moment of the last five films! XD ).

Another difference is how Ragnarok treated the minor characters of the Thor universe.  Odin was given a short and contrived death scene, the Warriors Three were quickly murdered and then never mentioned again, never mourned (maybe Thor had used up all his mourning allowance on Loki? /snark), Sif never mentioned, and Jane dismissed in a couple of sentences with no explanation. (seeing the deleted scene from TDW makes me assume the Ragnarok creators were aware of this, but instead of addressing it in any meaningful way to an audience who had no reason to assume the characters’ relationship had changed since the last film, it was just tossed in there as a quick reference to get that last bit of an annoying link to another person out of the way).

In the first episode of Loki everyone of importance to Loki is mentioned (and it cuts me a little to realise this is a much shorter list than Thor’s - hell, they even mention Coulson!). He’s shown the Avengers and it means something to him. That look of shame and anger at his capture. Then he’s shown Frigga and is terrified for her safety and we see he’s clearly ready to do what he can to save her, then he’s angry, then grief-stricken. He cries over the death of Odin, and smiles a bittersweet smile at seeing a future version of himself allied with Thor again.  And then indescribable terror, and… I just don’t have the words for his reaction to seeing Thanos (thank you Tom!!!).  These people mean something to him.  Having seen these reactions I don’t need to have them referenced in future episode.  I know Loki’s thinking of them.  Whereas at the end of Ragnarok I was still waiting for Thor to say something about his grief over his dead friends, or y’know his entire planet?!

All of this takes me, an audience member who is deeply invested in the character’s emotional wellbeing, and gently allows me to say goodbye to these beloved characters at the same time as Loki is.  It might not be what I want to see, but it takes me by the hand and guides me through it, reminding me how important these people are to Loki, how deeply he feels even about people with whom he is estranged, and lets me mourn with him.  It sets me up in his headspace, knowing he can’t go back, and knowing he now has an entirely unknown world of challenges to face, free of questions that start with “but what about Thor?”.

In summary. Show respect for your audience by respecting your character’s relationship to your previous material.  It’s the reason they’re both here.

[raymondebidochonlifechoices]

All fans are equal but some are more equal than others. NOT.

There’s been quite a few people in the fandom lately getting very stressed, feeling they’re obligated to constantly be on the defensive re: their fandom choices.

Apparently, whoever has a different opinion about a character or a ship must be said character’s/ship’s stan i.e. overzealous and/or obsessive, i.e. not an objective viewer. Even worse, they must be a dreadful person, who condones a number of moral offences that said character/ship perpetrated (or is thought to have perpetrated). Because, of course, the only acceptable reason for appreciating/enjoying a fictional character or dynamic is their morality. And, by that reasoning, fans who support the correct character/ship must be better fans and better people.

Nothing is more ridiculous than the notion of the objective fan. An “objective” fan is called a “viewer”. You and I, Riverdale friends, we are not just viewers. Otherwise, we wouldn’t have created blogs and dedicated hours of our lives to a fictional couple from an extremely mediocre show. We are still undoubtedly capable of critical thought and objective analysis but we are also aware of our own emotional investment in the show. (Or, at least, one hopes). As a fandom, we engage in activities that exist independently of the show. Fandom is a space of free expression. No one gets to play the higher moral card here. Needing to loudly tell everybody how wrong they are? That’s not the sign of an objective viewer. That’s the sign of a viewer who is also extremely invested, just for different reasons than I am.

Are we seriously holding the morality card over people’s heads for a show that used a poc woman’s pregnancy (Toni) as the means to retroactively establish trauma for a white male (Kevin), all the while touting it in every media possible as a woke response to the BLM movement?!

Are we seriously holding the canon card over people’s heads for a show that treats its 5th(!) season as a tabula rasa?! If the Lodges new backstory in 5x12 shows anything, it’s that s5 is not a time-jump. It’s a reboot.

There are so many people “enlightening” others on their inability to understand canon …

Seriously? That’s the hill you’re willing to die on? Canon Riverdale? You think that people don’t understand what they’re watching? That they’re interpreting canon incorrectly?

No, but seriously: canon for a TV show consists of what the characters say, what the characters do and how the actors portray them. Does this really apply to Riverdale?

Let’s take Donna for example.

Canon explicitly tells us Donna did what she did to avenge her grandmother. At the same time none of her canon actions were against the people who were actually responsible. So, riddle me this, fandom friends: why did Donna do what she did, as per canon?

Let’s try this another way:

Donna is a psycho bitch. Both in terms of Riverdale’s canon (the writers’ intention) and real-life criteria. To create a tag that reads “Bonna for ever uwu!” is deranged.

On the other hand, her character is (like a lot of Riverdale’s characters) an inconsistent caricature. Canon uses ridiculous dialogue and a lot of the Bonna scenes are cartoonishly enemies-to-lovers tropey. To create a tag that reads “Bonna for ever uwu!” is hilarious.

This doesn’t mean that Bonna is a canon couple. It does mean, however, that a Bonna crackship is based on Riverdale’s campy and over-the-top canonic writing.

A viewer who thinks Bonna is disgusting is not more “objective” or more “correct” or more “true to canon” than a viewer who thinks Bonna is funny. Nor are they a better person for it, and this cannot be stressed enough.

Similarly, who is canon Cheryl?

1. Cheryl is an absolute bitch: if a privileged student was calling an actual homeless boy a hobo in your real-life school, you would neither think her a queen nor use “hobo” affectionately in your tags, comments etc.

2. Cheryl is a deeply traumatized person: her father killed her brother, her mother killed half the town and forced her in conversion therapy, she attempted suicide and more.

(Note #1: this more does not mean more than the other Riverdale characters).

(Note #2: nor is it an excuse for her rudeness, affectionately called “mood for chaos” by the writers).

3. Cheryl is also a caricature of the archetypal mean girl who’s there for laughs and meta comments. She’s not to be taken seriously.

4. Cheryl is lgbtq+ representation …

5. … who canonically shits on other lgbtq+ characters.

6. Cheryl is one half of Choni, who are canonically presented as an uber couple.

7. Choni is also, as per canon, a couple with an acute power imbalance (cough!gaslighting!cough) that visually very clearly panders to the male gaze.

But most importantly:

8. Cheryl canonically is not the sum of her parts. The different facets of her character do not intermingle in any meaningful way.

Was Betty kissing Archie specifically a sore spot for Jughead?

Canonically no [2x14]. But, also, canonically yes [5x03, 5x10].

Are there seriously fans that are astonished that Betty is making some highly questionable choices while investigating?! Did they just discover Dark™Betty/Killer Genes Betty? That is canon Betty! Was it ok before because she was then smooching Jughead instead of giving him the cold shoulder? Honestly, the only newly outrageous part of s5Dark™Betty is the fact that she still believes in “killer genes” despite having spent 4 years at Yale …

As for liking/disliking Betty and morality …

Look, I’m going to be very honest: I am NOT particularly enjoying s5 Betty. And it’s not because of b*rchie.

S5 Betty has 99 problems but the sexcapades ain’t one.

For me, it’s the fact that she’s turned into s1 Alice 2.0. But surely that’s not news either? Ever since the first info about the time jump, everyone and their mother have been speculating about the teens becoming their parents …

Just because Jughead is better written (and written to be more likable), it doesn’t make him more worthy of redemption. Just because the writers are keeping Betty’s redemption “secret” (insert eye roll) for their big reveal in the season’s penultimate episode, it doesn’t mean she won’t have one.  

Simply put, the writers have made Jughead more likable. He’s still the underdog. He’s the only character in Riverdale actively trying to deal with his trauma, since the very first post-time jump episode (working at Pop’s explicitly to fend off the debt collectors). He has scenes with a new and extremely likable character (Tabitha). He has the only new plot line (the Mothman). Said plotline is narratively already tied to both his unknown past and the town’s destruction by Hiram. His behaviour is explicitly explained, even as his recent trauma remains unknown. He’s transparent.

In comparison, s5 Betty is traumatized but not the underdog. Her trauma (TBK killer) is both known to us and a repetition of previous storylines, which makes it narratively less exciting. She is completely disconnected from any other storylines. She comes out as being judgmental and self-interested: telling Tabitha Jughead’s not her business while previously accepting his help? Berating Polly for lying while not keeping in touch and lying about her own life (TBK)? Please note: I’m not saying there isn’t a reason behind her behaviour, just that it comes out in a negative way.

You don’t like Betty’s current behaviour? You don’t consider trauma a good enough excuse? Cool.

You feel sorry for what she’s going through? You consider trauma to be a valid explanation for her behaviour? Also cool.

Personally, I don’t give a flying fig, either for Betty’s trauma or Jughead’s. Because, even though Trauma™ is s5’s actual mystery plot, narratively speaking, trauma never affected the plot of the past 4 seasons, nor s5 trauma will affect future plots, once revealed. And you know what? That is also cool.

None of the above is better.

And just because I’m not enjoying Betty right now, it doesn’t mean that I don’t want her to overcome her current situation or that I won’t cheer for Bughead like a River Vixen on fizzle rocks, once they reunite.

This thing though, where people are made to feel as if they owed anyone in the fandom an explanation about why they like the things they like, because, somehow, their preferences are a reflection on their character or their cognitive abilities to read a TV show? This is a joke.

There is no “wrong” way to consume any show, let alone Riverdale, with its fractured format, its short-term memory and its see-sawing characters.

Look, everybody’s here for their own reasons. For most people this is a place of escape. No one’s escaping better than the other, because of how they enjoy their teen TV show ... 

[pumpkinpaix]

Hello! Feel free not to answer this question if it is in any way too much, but I've been wondering about something concerning the "western" mdzs fandom. Lately, i have seen multiple pieces of fanart that use what is clearly Christian symbolism and sometimes downright iconography in depicting the characters. I'm a european fan, but it still makes me vaguely uneasy. I know that these things are rarely easy to judge. I'm definitely not qualified to do so and was wondering if you have an opinion

Hi there! thank you for your patience and for the interesting question! I’ve been thinking about this since i received this ask because it?? idk, it’s difficult to answer, but it also touches on a a few things that I find really interesting.

the short answer: it’s complicated, and I also don’t know what I feel!

the longer answer:

i think that this question is particularly difficult to answer because of how deeply christianity is tied to the western art and literary canon. so much of what is considered great european art is christian art! If you just take a quick glance at wiki’s page on european art, you can see how inextricable christianity is, and how integral christian iconography has been in the history of european art. If you study western art history, you must study christian imagery and christian canon because it’s just impossible to engage with a lot of the work in a meaningful way without it. that’s just the reality of it.

Christianity, of course, also has a strong presence in european colonial and imperialist history and has been used as a tool of oppression against many peoples and nations, including China. I would be lying if I said I had a good relationship with Christianity--I have always faced it with a deep suspicion because I think it did some very, very real damage, not just to chinese people, but to many cultures and peoples around the world, and that’s not a trauma that can be easily brushed aside or reconciled with.

here is what is also true: my maternal grandmother was devoutly christian. my aunt is devoutly christian. my uncle’s family is devoutly christian. my favorite cousin is devoutly christian. when I attended my cousin’s wedding, he had both a traditional chinese ceremony (tea-serving, bride-fetching, ABSURDLY long reception), and also a christian ceremony in a church. christianity is a really important part of his life, just as it’s important to my uncle’s family, and as it was important to my grandmother. I don’t think it’s my right or place to label them as simply victims of a colonialist past--they’re real people with real agency and choice and beliefs. I think it would be disrespectful to act otherwise.

that doesn’t negate the harm that christianity has done--but it does complicate things. is it inherently a bad thing that they’re christian, due to the political history of the religion and their heritage? that’s... not a question I’m really interested in debating. the fact remains that they are christian, that they are chinese, and that they chose their religion.

so! now here we are with mdzs, a chinese piece of media that is clearly Not christian, but is quickly gaining popularity in euroamerican spaces. people are making fanart! people are making A LOT of fanart! and art is, by nature, intertextual. a lot of the most interesting art (imo) makes deliberate use of that! for example (cyan art nerdery time let’s go), Nikolai Ge’s What is Truth?

I love this painting! it’s notable for its unusual depiction of christ: shabby, unkempt, slouched, in shadow. if you look for other paintings of this scene, christ is usually dignified, elegant, beautiful, melancholy -- there’s something very humanizing and humbling about this depiction, specifically because of the way it contrasts the standard. it’s powerful because we as the audience are expected to be familiar with the iconography of this scene, the story behind it, and its place in the christian canon.

you can make similar comments about Gentileschi’s Judith vs Caravaggio’s, or Manet’s Olympia vs Ingres’ Grande Odalisque -- all of these paintings exist in relation to one another and also to the larger canon (i’m simplifying: you can’t just compare one to another directly in isolation etc etc.) Gauguin’s Jacob Wrestling the Angel is also especially interesting because of how its portrayal of its content contrasts to its predecessors!

or! because i’m really In It now, one of my favorite paintings in the world, Joan of Arc by Bastien-Lepage:

I just!!! gosh, idk, what’s most interesting to me in this painting is the way it seems to hover between movements: the hyperrealistic, neoclassical-esque take on the figure, but the impressionistic brushstrokes of the background AAA gosh i love it so much. it’s really beautiful if you ever get a chance to see it in person at the Met. i’m putting this here both because i personally just really like it and also as an example of how intertextuality isn’t just about content, but also about visual elements.

anyways, sorry most of this is 19thc, that was what i studied the most lol.

(a final note: if you want to read about a really interesting painting that sits in the midst of just a Lot of different works, check out the wiki page on Géricault’s Raft of the Medusa, specifically under “Interpretation and Legacy”)

this is all a really long-winded way of getting to this point: if you want to make allusory fanart of mdzs with regards to western art canon, you kind of have to go out of your way to avoid christian imagery/iconography, especially when that’s the lens through which a lot of really intensely emotional art was created. many of my favorite paintings are christian: Vrubel’s Demon, Seated, Perov’s Christ in the Garden of Gethsemane, Ge’s Conscience, Judas, Bastien-Lepage’s Joan of Arc, as shown above. that’s not to say there ISN’T plenty of non-christian art -- but christian art is very prominent and impossible to ignore.

so here are a few pieces of fanwork that I’ve seen that are very clearly making allusions to christian imagery:

1. this beautiful pietà nielan by tinynarwhals on twitter

2. a lovely jiang yanli as our lady of tears by @satuwilhelmiina

3. my second gif in this set here, which I will also show below:

i’m only going to talk about mine in depth because well, i know exactly what i was thinking when I put this gif together while I can’t speak for anyone else.

first: the two lines of the song that I wanted to use for lan xichen were “baby, I’m a fighter//in the robes of a saint” because i felt that they fit him very well. of course, just the word “saint” evokes catholicism, even if it’s become so entwined in the english language that it’s taken on a secular meaning as well.

second: when I saw this scene, my immediate thought was just “PIETÀ!!” because LOOK at that composition! lan xichen’s lap! nie mingjue lying perpendicular to it! the light blue/white/silver of lan xichen in contrast to the darker robes of both nie mingjue and meng yao! not just that, but the very cool triangular structure of the image is intensely striking, and Yes, i Do love that it simultaneously ALSO evokes deposition of christ vibes. (baxia as the cross.... god..... is that not the Tightest Shit) does this make meng yao joseph of arimathea? does it make him john the evangelist? both options are equally interesting, I think when viewed in relation to his roles in the story: as a spy in qishan and as nmj’s deputy. maybe he’s both.

anyways, did I do this intentionally? yes, though a lot of it is happy accident/discovered after the fact since I’m relying on CQL to have provided the image. i wanted to draw attention to all of that by superimposing that line over that image! (to be clear: I didn’t expect it to all come through because like. that’s ridiculous. the layers you’d have to go through to get from “pretty lxc gifset” --> “if we cast nie mingjue as a christ figure, what is the interesting commentary we could do on meng yao by casting him as either joseph of arimathea or john the evangelist” are like. ok ur gonna need to work a little harder than slapping a song lyric over an image to achieve an effect like that.)

the point of this is: yes, it’s intentionally christian, yes I did this, yes I am casting these very much non-christian characters into christian roles for this specific visual work -- is this okay?

I obviously thought it was because I made it. but would I feel the same about a work that was written doing something similar? probably not. I think that would make me quite uncomfortable in most situations. but there’s something about visual art that makes it slightly different that I have trouble articulating -- something about how the visual often seeks to illustrate parallels or ideas, whereas writing characters as a different religion can fundamentally change who those characters are, the world they inhabit, etc. in a more... invasive?? way. that’s still not quite right, but I genuinely am not sure how to explain what i mean! I hope the general idea comes across. ><

something else to think about is like, what are pieces I find acceptable and why?

what makes the pieces above that reference christian imagery different than this stunning nieyao piece by @cyandemise after klimt’s kiss? (warnings for like, dead bodies and vague body horror) like i ADORE this piece (PLEASE click for fullview it’s worth it for the quality). it’s incredibly beautiful and evocative and very obviously references a piece of european art. I have no problem with it. why? because it isn’t explicitly christian? it’s still deeply entrenched in western canon. klimt certainly made other pieces that were explicit christian references.

another piece I’d like to invite you all to consider is this incredible naruto fanart of sakura and ino beheading sasuke after caravaggio’s judith. (warnings for beheading, blood, etc. you know.) i also adore this piece! i think it’s very good both technically and conceptually. the reference that it makes has a real power when viewed in relation to the roles of the characters in their original story -- seeing the women that sasuke fucked over and treated so disrespectfully collaborating in his demise Says Something. this is also!! an explicitly christian reference made with non-christian japanese characters. is this okay? does it evoke the same discomfort as seeing mdzs characters being drawn with christian iconography? why or why not?

the point is, I don’t think there’s a neat answer, but I do think there are a lot of interesting issues surrounding cultural erasure/hegemony that are raised by this question. i don’t think there are easy resolutions to any of them either, but I think that it’s a good opportunity to reexamine our own discomfort and try and see where it comes from. all emotions are valid but not all are justified etc. so I try to ask, is it fair? do i apply my criticisms and standards equally? why or why not? does it do real harm, or do i just not like it? what makes one work okay and another not?

i’ve felt that there’s a real danger with the kind of like, deep moral scrutiny of recent years in quashing interesting work in the name of fear. this morality tends to be expressed in black and white, good and bad dichotomies that i really do think stymies meaningful conversation and progress. you’ll often see angry takes that boil down to things like, “POC good, queer people good, white people bad, christianity bad” etc. without a serious critical examination of the actual issues at hand. I feel that these are extraordinarily harmful simplifications that can lead to an increased insularity that isn’t necessarily good for anyone. there’s a fine line between asking people to stay in their lane and cultural gatekeeping sometimes, and I think that it’s something we should be mindful of when we’re engaging in conversations about cultural erasure, appropriation etc.

PERHAPS IT IS OBVIOUS that I have no idea where that line falls LMAO since after all that rambling I have given you basically nothing. but! I hope that you found it interesting at least, and that it gives you a bit more material to think on while you figure out where you stand ahaha.

was this just an excuse to show off cool (fan)art i like? maybe ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

(ko-fi)

[ailuronymy]

do you think every disabled character in wc is handled poorly? i understand theres def some cases of ableism but at the same time when i hear ppl say that its usually bc the disabled cat wasnt able to become a warrior due to their disability. and i feel like ppl forget, that not everyone irl CAN do what they want after they become disabled. ex. someone wants to be an athlete, but their legs have to be amputated. a cat like briarlight esp i feel is p realistic and could be a source of comfort

Hello there, thank you for writing in. I’m going to reply to this question with a series of questions I think are a bit more useful, given what you’re trying to ask me. I hope that’ll clarify what is a deeply complex, multilayered issue. 

Do I think Erin Hunter handles anything in the series “well”? Not really. I don’t have a high opinion of the work of the collective and, broadly speaking, I think every right note they play, metaphorically speaking, is an instance of chance rather than effort, skill, or intention. Stopped clocks are right twice a day, mediocre writers will sometimes do something cool by accident, similar principle. That’s not to say Erin Hunter hasn’t ever done anything on purpose--just that overall the underlying drive of the series isn’t so much quality as it is quantity, and speed of production, and it shows. 

Do I think Erin Hunter puts any significant research into how they portray disability? No. I do not think it is a priority for this series. They’re not trying to make a meaningful work of literature, or capture a realistic experience of disability, or tell especially impactful or thoughtful stories, or even make a particularly good or coherent fantasy world. Warriors is a specifically commercial product that was commissioned by HarperCollins to appeal to a particular demographic of drama-loving, cat-loving kids. It’s not really trying to do anything but sell books, because it’s a business, so the text in many ways reflects that. They’re not going for disability representation, in my opinion. They’re including disability in many cases as a plot-point or an obstacle. 

Do I think this means that people can’t connect to these characters and narratives in meaningful ways? No. Often I say that a work is completed only when it is read. Before that point, it doesn’t have a meaning: a reader finishes the work through the act of reading, and interpretation, and filling in the spaces and resonance of the story with their own values and experiences. When people talk about subjectivity, this is what they are talking about. What this means in the context of disabled characters in Warriors is that these characters and their stories can be multiple, conflicting, even mutually exclusive things at the same time, to different people, for different reasons. 

Do I think characters have to be “good” to be significant to someone? No. I think genuinely “bad” (i.e., not researched or poorly researched, cliche, thoughtlessly written, problematic, etc. etc.) characters can be deeply meaningful, and often are. Ditto above: for many people, and especially marginalised or stigmatised people, reading is almost always an act of translation, wherein the person is reading against the creative work of the dominant culture in a way that the author likely didn’t intend or didn’t even imagine. There’s a long documented history of this in queer culture, but it’s true for just about everyone who is rarely (or unfairly) represented in media. Disabled people often have to read deeply imperfect works of fiction featuring disability and reinterpret them in the process--whether to relate to a kind of disability they don’t experience themselves but which is the closest they’re offered to something familiar, or to turn positive and meaningful what is intended as narrative punishment, or simply to create what’s commonly called headcanon about “non-disabled” characters who echo their personal experiences. 

Do I think everyone has to agree? Extremely no. As I said before, people will actually always disagree, because all people have different needs and different experiences. What can be interpreted as empowering to one person might be very othering and painful for another. There is no “right” answer, because, again, that is how subjectivity works. This is especially true because marginalised communities are often many different kinds of people with different lives and needs brought together over a trait or traits they share due to the need for solidarity as protection and power--but only in a broad sense. It’s why there is often intracommunity fighting over representation: there isn’t enough, there’s only scraps, and so each person’s personal interpretation can feel threatening to people whose needs are different. You can see examples of this especially when it comes to arguments over character sexuality: a queer female character might be interpreted as bisexual by bisexual people who relate to her and want her to be, while being interpreted as lesbian by lesbians who also relate to her and want her to be like them. Who is correct? Often these different interpretations based on different needs are presented as if one interpretation is theft from the other, when in fact the situation is indicative of the huge dearth of options for queer people. It becomes increasingly more intense when it comes to “canon” representations, because of the long history of having to read against the grain I mentioned above: there’s novelty and, for some people, validation in “canon” certainty. And again, all of this is also true for disabled people and other stigmatised groups. 

Do I think this is a problem? Not exactly. It is what it is. It is the expected effect of the circumstances. Enforced scarcity creates both the need for community organising and solidarity and the oppressive pressure to prioritise one’s self first and leave everyone else in the dust (or else it might happen to you). The system will always pit suppressed people against each other constantly, because it actively benefits from intracommunity fighting. Who needs enemies when you have friends like these, and so on. A solution is absolutely for everyone in community to hold space for these different needs and values, and to uplift and support despite these differences, but it’s not anyone’s fault for feeling threatened or upset when you don’t have much and feel like the thing that you do have is being taken away. It’s a normal, if not really helpful, human response. But until people learn and internalised that the media is multifaceted and able to be many things at once, without any of those things being untrue or impacting your truth of the text, then there will be fighting. 

Do I think my opinion on disability on Warriors is all that important? No, not really. I can relate to some characters in some moment through that translation, but my opinion on, say, Jayfeather is nowhere near as worthy of consideration than that of someone who is blind. I don’t have that experience and it’s not something I can bring meaningful thinking about, really. That’s true for all these characters. If you want to learn about disability, prioritise reading work about disabled rights and activism that is done by disabled people, and literary criticism from disabled people. And as I mentioned above, remember that community isn’t a monolith: it’s a survival tactic, that brings together many different people with disparate experiences of the world. So research widely. 

Finally--do I think there’s only one kind of disabled narrative worth telling? No. For some people, a disabled character achieving a specific, ability-focused dream is a good story. For other people, a story that acknowledges and deals with the realities, and limitations, of disability is a good story. The same person might want both of those stories at different times, depending on their mood. That’s okay. Sometimes there’s power and delight in a fantasy of overcoming seemingly impossible obstacles and defying all expectations. Sometimes there’s value and catharsis in a narrative that delves into the challenges and grief and oppression experienced because of disability. There’s no one truth. 

To round all this off, I’m going to give my favourite example of this, which is Cinderella. I think it’s a great and useful tool, since for many it’s familiar and it’s very simple. Not much happens. In the story, she is bullied and tormented, until a fairy godmother gifts her over several nights with the opportunity to go to a royal ball, where she dances with a prince. The prince eventually is able to find Cinderella, due to a shoe left behind, and they are married. In some versions, the family that mistreated her are killed. In others, they’re forgiven. 

Some people hate the story of Cinderella, because she is seen as passive. She tolerates the bullying and never fights back. She does every chore she’s told. She is given an opportunity by a fairy godmother, and she doesn’t help herself go to the ball. She runs from the prince and he does the work to find her again. Eventually, she’s married and the prince, presumably, keeps her in happiness and comfort for the rest of her life. 

For some, this story is infuriating, because Cinderella doesn’t “save herself”: she is largely saved by external forces. She is seen as a quintessential damsel-in-distress, and especially for people who have been bullied, infantalised, or made to feel less capable or weak, that can be a real point of personal pain and discomfort. 

However, for some others, Cinderella is a figure of strength, because she is able to endure such hostile environments and terrible people and never gives up her gentle nature or her hope. She never becomes cruel, or bitter. She is brave in daring to go outside her tiny, trapped world, and she is brave to let the prince find her. She doesn’t have to fight or struggle to earn her reward of happiness and prove her worth, because she was always deserving of love and kindness. The prince recognises at once, narratively speaking, her goodness and virtue, and stops at nothing to deliver her a better life. 

Depending on the version, the wicked family disfigure themselves for their own greed--or are punished, which for some is a revenge fantasy; or Cinderella forgives them and once again shows her tenacious kindness, which for others is a different revenge fantasy. 

The point? Cinderella is the same character in the same story, but these are almost unrecognisable readings when you put them side-by-side. Which one is right? Which one is better? In my opinion, those are the wrong questions. I hope this (long, sorry) reply is a set of more useful ones.