#defeatist thoughts
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#72 names of God#angels#aura#barrier-busting assistance#beliefs#boost self-esteem#break bad habits#build self-confidence#chakras#defeatist thoughts#develop a stronger drive#divine beings#emotions#Godly powers#heal energy#holy spirit#improve social skills#Kabbalah#lose weight#messengers#obstacles#overcome challenges#personal development#self-improvement#self-sabotaging factors
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and! barbarian!fig! its her
#fantasy high#dimension 20#figueroth faeth#fh class quangle#if u look at the junior year design and think tifa lockhart: yeag#I already thought the cleric!gorgug junior year design kinda is very aerith so. lol#but! I do feel like these designs maybe portray the clearest arc out of all of them so far. I like that#some of it came from a bit of necessity which is really fun that mirrors the actual play format thats cool#(necessity being freshman year riz is pretty much a huge block of red flannel lmao. kinda stole figs canon color coding for a bit)#(and he's got the owlbear jacket from taping the games in sophomore year... so I cant give fig the big red blocking until#junior year lmao. coincidentally this forced me to be a bit more dynamic with her concept which is great)#her second pair of shoes very sonic tho. I kinda enjoy that lol#tbh I really love that canon gorgug is like in a pair of chucks 24/7 that is SO funny for a barbarian I hope to keep the energy going#with class swap fig I think a barbarian who wears like collector sneakers is awesome. the foot support is so important to their work#the general idea of a hyperfem girlypop barbarian still ticks for me tbh. idk enough abt the zeitgeist to know if thats passé now or not#but doing Fashion on ur job of bodily tearing ur opponent apart with the least flourish possible is just a hit for me#her knee brace is from like an injury back in her cheer days that she got by overexercising in hope of being good enough that#the team couldn't let her go. the team then used that same injury as a pretext to let her go#I think abt her arc tbh... fig's thing in canon junior year abt the point of her rebelling. I feel like a lot of it can also apply to rage#both knocking things over and holding onto things don't like. make anything new. destruction without at least a glimpse of a vision#of the after is ultimately a cynical defeatist point of view... strategic barbarianism for fig babeyy#yay! once again its time for me to Fucking Sleep. but hopefully I can hammer out a proper ref for riz and gorgug both in the#following week inbetween doing my job. its that time of da year lads (<- fully seasonal worker)
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“We belong to the Earth and the sea, you belong to the stars.”
— Zhang Beihai (The Dark Forest - Cixin Liu)
#quote#three body problem#the dark forest spoilers#i initially wrote down this quote because of how beautiful it is#at the time it only seemed like an observation of how much humanity has changed over time#but now i can't help but think about what he does later on...#saying he is a defeatist or escapist doesn't feel like it captures his motivations#he realised they changed and knows they will have to change even more#his motivation is not simply catastrophising or fleeing but rather *developing*#if that makes sense?#to him going into space was the only logical next step for humanity to survive#making this quote as much an observation as it is a prediction#which is beautifully done#also thinking about his thought later on of how instead of finding a habitable planet they might be travelling in space forever#but that this generation wasn't ready yet to consider that#of course his ship had to be called Natural Selection lol not very subtle there#also:#the phrasing 'we' against 'you' makes me think that he knew he wouldn't be a part of this in the end#for someone who thinks things through as much as he does#some part of him must have realised there would be no place for him in this new version of humanity#ah i'm having many feels over here#(still not a fan of someone acting all by themselves and justifying all their actions with 'duty'#but i find him a lot more interesting than expected and also like him a lot more)#...this may have worked better as an actual text post rather than this mess of tags but here we are#zhang beihai#the dark forest
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Ever since i saw the thongTM i could not stop thinking about this 🐳
#käärijä#häärijä#khäärijä calendar#diary bit coming up in the tags bear with me since this is#also my diary kind of; this blog#this thing has fought me every step of the way - and it shows i know#but i needed at least /some/ tiny little crumb of standing up for myself against my own defeatist thoughts#not just drawing. just. in general there are so many tiny and medium obstacles to accomplishing tasks that i just feel#like such an idiot for not just getting rid of the obstacles and moving on#at the same time i know how very unfair this kind of thinking is towards me since i#literally have the neurodivergence of cannot set priorities for my life or coordinate several things unless under strong duress#and then i feel sad for not even living my life unapologetically#((and disappointing jere :') - you have not read this that would be way WAY too embarrassing for me)#and yes i know you shouldn't trust yourself after - what was it? - 19:00? Well. If I didn't have to struggle until 3 pm to get through#the wall of anxious paralysis we wouldn't have that problem but here we are#anyway. off to bed. for what it's worth#got to figure out how to electronically validate my ID :''') and/or call the job center - fun!#my own stuff
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*remembers that time i (potentially) made someone uncomfortable*
me: i should never talk to anyone ever again
*remembers that time i made a joke that didn't land*
me: i should be beaten to death with a hammer
*remembers that time i was mean to someone once*
me: i should be taken out back and shot
#the funny thing about me is that im both fully aware of how awful a person i am and a massive defeatist about it#i will never change i will never improve so on and so forth#i WILL nitpick every single interaction i have with any other person#i WILL find where i fucked it up#and it WILL haunt me until the end of time#late night thoughts#grumbles#100% social interaction fumble rate baybee#vent ig
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my department just hired a new faculty and he seems fine and all but of course I got curious what information i can get from his CV that shows his character
so i went down to the service and outreach section and it was just...... basic? like ok you mentored a few summer research students and you served on some department committees... but nothing that showed deep investment in DEI issues.
and again, this is just his CV and this guy is obviously a complex three dimensional human being whom I have yet to meet. nothing against him. but it was just a reminder that as long as you're clearly not an asshole, it really is just the research and the science (and institutional elitism.....) that matter. all this DEI service is just a distraction if your real goal is tenure track.
and of course DEI is good of course I'll continue doing it. i am a minority, so of course i'll do what I can to help other minorities there's no question about it. but I guess i don't like the reality that trying to be a good person wont help my career. it'll hurt my career if i spend too much time doing service for others. If my number one goal was to become tenured faculty, I would not do any DEI work at all. At least not any meaningful work.
#if anyone has anymore thoughts on this id love to hear them#i could just be in defeatist mode#academia#physicsblr#stemblr#gradblr#graduate school#graduate student
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thinking about. womanhood again
#been thinking about how much of the way i have let some kind of womanhood in as a fragment of my identity is infleunced by me thinking that#'well people are going to gender me as a woman anyway so might as well accept it'#and i think that's a part of it (not a thought i overall enjoy. feels somehow defeatist or like i'm giving in or whatever.)#(which i dont think it is but it's a kneejerk reaction)#i do also think that the way i have been actively trying to unpack some of my internalized misogyny has a part in it#i'm not proud to say that i did grow up as a girl who thought womanhood (as it was presented to me at the time)#sounds stupid and way too much effort and unrelatable#but now that my view of the different ways to experience and relate to womanhood have broadened#i can say that i do feel some connection to it. even if i dont usually really claim it as wholly mine#and that acceptance has made it easier to be perceived as a woman in my day to day life#i'm not saying it never stings but. isk it's a bit different#i have said it before but the main thing that bothers me is being seen always and only as a woman.#like i can be a little bit of a woman and Kind Of Like a woman or a close approximate of a woman#but if Woman is all people see my gender as that stingsss#just like being seen solely as a man stings too#(this doesnt happen often so usually it feels more like a fun gender sprinkled in.#or like. it affirms my gender by telling me that i can confuse people)#like. i'm not really a woman i'm not really a man but those are the two options currently recognized by most of society#so a mix of both feels like the best case scenario for me personally genderwise#because gender neutral terms dont always just. hit the same for me as mixing gendered ones does. this varies greatly though#but also i would like to. hm. how to say this. not make that into a rule for myself? i dont want to overthink it#(<- says a guy who has never not overthought anything)#like i have been finding a lot of joy in dressing a bit more masculine in the last year which is wonderful#but sometimes i find myself stressing that if i look 'too masc' people are going to misread my identity more often#because i have a masc leaning chosen name and all#but i try to remind myself that. bitch people are going to misread and misunderstand your gender no matter what you do. relax#but idk. anyway abolish gender so i can start stressing over something else#nowe talks#gender
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Omg omg so I didn't know albatross birds need to run before takeoff
And in my pokemon AU I gave Albatross an archeops because it needs to run before taking flight and it's a much better runner and I thought that's a fun combo. And wow coincidence !
A colorful prehistoric bird pokemon for someone with a loud outgoing personality
#it also has the defeatist ability which i thought with albatross it wont get him down yknow? Even in a pinch he'll try to find a way#bsd pokemon au#bsd albatross#bsd#pokemon#Also archeops is my favorite flying pokemon so more reasons to give it to him hihi
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i'm so goddamn tired rn and still need to cook dinner, and i just know that by 9pm when i am actually ready to go to bed i will no longer be tired and won't be able to fall asleep
#i also feel like being all defeatist like this makes it come true so i try to avoid these sorts of thoughts but#i'm too grumpy atm#j.txt
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the essays I could write about how frustrated I am that taylor swift fans have not taken on the responsibility of holding her accountable for her co2 emissions… like. I like her music. but I like public health and having a habitable planet way more!!!! that’s not difficult math folks!!!!! just hate this cultural idea that in order to be a fan of someone you need to defend them? or like there are so many people and taylor fan blogs I see just ignoring it?? and it’s like… you don’t owe her that? you already give her money and fame and praise and you can and should take that away from her if she’s doing something as morally objectionable as catapulting climate change forward this drastically. and it is that serious. it’s so frustrating to see her new album still breaking records, it’s frustrating to follow so many blogs whose posts get so many notes and who clearly could have so much influence over taylor’s fan base completely ignoring this when there could’ve been a whole boycott of this new album. even not listening to it for just the first day it was out would’ve sent a very clear message, right? maybe someone did try to start something and it just didn’t take off or I just didn’t see it but I didn’t see anything (and I looked!) idk I guess now I’m just rambling about missed opportunities and things I could’ve put out there earlier but it’s just really frustrating to see so much celebration of her when the people who give her money and fame should be the loudest voices telling her to find alternatives that don’t kill the planet yknow? I mean like she’s gonna keep putting stuff out so hey not too late to rally people to not listen to the next one ig? but this is super rambling now so I’ll leave it here and open ended/ongoing etc
#this is very disorganized sorry#had my own little few days of not listening to it and it broke records anyway#I should’ve made a popular taylor fan page years ago so I could have influence now#maybe I do and that defeatist attitude is part of the problem#also the albums just bad it’s lame it’s boring#there’s a line ‘my flight was awful thanks for asking’ which I thought was VERY bold lol#and by ‘lol’ I mean I’m eating glass about that line#aNYWAY#might make this rebloggable but keeping it just on my blog for now bc my thoughts are not organized about this atm
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i do wonder if any of the jamais vu additions were made by the original devs. i think it’s possible considering they weren’t released until late 2021 (when kurvitz, rostov, and hindpere left) but they do have a bit of a. different quality than the rest of the game. definitely more fanservice-y. that being said, if it was, that makes the whole pleasure wheel bit absolutely fucking heartbreaking
#i always thought it was so cool what they did with the game#continuing to add onto the world#it made no sense from a business perspective. they did it out of passion#it was such a labor of love! and now. you Know#you know what no. that’s a defeatist way of looking at things. it’s still all that
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My five step plan to get my shit together:
1. Get a therapist
2. Make a deal with God
3. Continue to apply to random retail and hospitality jobs until I either get one, die, or am banned from Indeed
4. ???
5. Profit
#first thing monday morning i am going to call the doctor and ask if i can speak with someone about my mental health#and i’ve been saying that for months now but now it’s really true#i had this revelation that maybe my defeatist mindset and the fact that my mental health is in the fucking toilet is what’s holding me back#like the whole ‘think good thoughts and good things will come to you’.. i mean obviously it has no scientific backing but like.#i am walking into job interviews blatantly depressed and i don’t think that’s the move#i am also going to make a deal with god. i am simply going to ask him to help me and in return i will be better#all the rest is self explanatory#you don’t need me to tell you how depressing it is to send out multiple applications a day and hear fuck all. you know. you get it#i’ll continue until something gives. because i have to.#personal
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Got to get used to the bull crap~~
Randomly reminded of the time I got destroyed by 2 slimes and a chagrin cause they got a preemptive on me~~~~ not the last time that’s gonna happen I’ll bet~~ not in this franchise ~~ ;)
Kind of funny in hindsight ~~ why can’t I see the hilarity when it actually happens? As opposed to being unreasonably upset in the moment?
I feel like sadly I’ve fallen out of gaming for a bit and need to get myself back into it again~~ the feeling of falling out of a hobby you used to love is kind of sad imo.
Also watching many things about nocturne and 4 on YouTube and found some hilarious things I wanted to share~~ the amount of hilariously stupid things that can happen~~~
Might be cringe but I don’t care~~~ the stupid autotune cat crying thing makes me laugh every time.
Why can’t being swept make me laugh like that? It can be so funny in hindsight ~~~
Getting unreasonably upset at a game for no reason whatsoever ~~
I don’t intend to complain and I’m sorry if it feels like a complaint ~~ I don’t like complainers either~~~ just sad that my brain is like ‘we not gaming ever’ when it used to be a really fun hobby~~~
😭
#personal#thoughts#thinking#video games#games#gamer#gaming#can I even call myself a gamer when I’ve fallen out of it so hard lately?#got to get back into it somehow#and be much less upset if I die or am bad at first#cause it happens#that’s how learning happens#and it can be fun#got to change my perspective#I don’t know how#cause I’ve never had to#reminiscing#got to get back to that play through actually#got to having fusion and just took yet another break#not cause I don’t like the game but because I haven’t felt liking gaming that much lately#and that makes me sad#y’all know what game I’m talking about I hope#tired post#sleepy posting#maybe it’s anxiety and I hate it so much#anxiety telling me I suck and shouldn’t play games anymore cause I’m bad#that’s not how we learn anxiety#we learn by doing not being a defeatist about it#Hope it doesn’t sound like I’m complaining cause I don’t want to complain#just overthinking
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i’m not ready to know that you’ve learned how to live without me in your life
#I’m doing a lot better than before but I still wanted to post this#been so emotional the past few days#(got my period after weirdly not having it for a while)#but thinking this out practically brought me to tears#so cold the ‘try google or chatgpt’ response was#really just like defeatist#((y that’s not the right usage of that word but it’s what I want to use / I can’t think of a better term))#but my mood ended up a lot better after I left the guy at the library use my printing pages#chesed really does mitigate depression#then I was so happily satisfied from the mood and some brownie bars that I was just enjoying and it was really so pleasant#((I guess that is my ‘bone’ looking back))#listened to some Dr. John and cried a bit#didn’t make any breakthroughs but like I feel on the start of one?#or kind of like the precipice of a major revelation#but idk I can’t think the thought through enough#but anyways#took a bath and even put on the banana song for a bit#which does make things a lot better#even if my legs were cold because the tub isn’t that deep#it was still nice#so overall just an interesting night#rant#idk just wanted to capture it somehow#gn world#((also this gives ‘I find I’m scared to know I’m always on your mind’ vibes))#((as well as another song that I can’t quite place - maybe ‘if the world was ending’ but also not? idk I can’t think of it.))
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I try not to let the whole AI thing get to me or influence how I use my art blog, but I do find myself at a bit of a crossroads. Down one path, I keep posting my art here and on my Instagram and just trust that my art won't be misused (because I do not and will not ever consent to my art being used for AI), or I turtle up and delete my art from the internet as best I can.
Neither option makes me happy. One requires me to make myself vulnerable to some people who couldn't give a shit about me or my feelings. The other cuts me off from sharing my art with people I know will enjoy it.
#there's a third option where i make all of the accounts with my art private accounts but then...how do i reach other people?#art is communication for me and if i can't share my art then i feel like i can't communicate#I hate this. I hate all of this.#My thoughts have taken a singularly defeatist bent as of late and I know this but genuinely...what am I supposed to do.#I dunno. I'll figure something out that feels satisfactory to me. I just need to be depressed about this for a bit.#personal post
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Ugh when someone you enjoyed following is just too fucking liberal. I am very tired of hearing this oblivious privileged perspective on how Biden and/or Democrats are really ok actually because things that personally affect me have either improved or not worsened significantly. The things that affect others though are not important enough for others to base a vote on.
Saying that people who point out how awful of a president and candidate Joe Biden is have no nuanced understanding of politics is a fucking pathetic blanket statement. Could you be more obvious in your refusal to even engage with the concerns of minorities and disenfranchised people that aren't convenient enough to align yourselves with.
And conflating the actual concerns and real points being made by people who do not want to vote Biden with actively suppressing people's votes is just fucking disingenuous. Fuck your nervousness! LOL WE LIVE NERVOUS
#i can't#every day of my life is fucking nervous bitch#in each administration i've had the misfortune to live under#no puedo man no fuckin puedo#i just#the way americans don't give a singular SHIT about people outside of their own perceived bubbles#so when is it enough#so do we just do this forever#this dance where 2 out of 2 political parties either actively oppress us or do the bare minimum to claim progress#make your defeatist arguments about who other people should be voting for all you want#but arguing that even discussing the negative reality is a form of voter suppression or brainrot is fucking pathetic#and i mean that word with every fiber of my being#pathetic#just thoughts
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