#depressed old lady core

[dyvynyti]

been a while since i’ve drawn bbg. she looks tired.

[happysparklingshadows]

𝙻𝚘𝚝𝚝𝚒𝚎 𝙼𝚊𝚝𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚠𝚜 𝙷𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚌𝚊𝚗𝚘𝚗𝚜 ('𝟿𝟼)

Note: Sorry for being away for so long, depression came and kicked my fat ass this month. Chapter 4 of Certain Hunger is coming out September 25 so watch out for that, and i hope you like these headcannons! Comment your own and reblog if you like!

𝙶𝚎𝚗𝚎𝚛𝚊𝚕 𝙻𝚘𝚝𝚝𝚒𝚎 𝙷𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚌𝚊𝚗𝚘𝚗𝚜

♡ Lottie is a Pieces Sun and Libra Rising 

♡ Lottie’s favorite color is Purple, Royal purple, to be specific. 

♡ Lottie is a cat person through and through. She likes to be very gentle with animals and take things at their speed. If they didn’t want affection, that was okay, they will eventually want something, and Lottie will just be content. 

Lottie's spirit Animal is the Bear.

♡ Lottie, for sure, had a pet cat that was her best friend as a child. Her mother wasn’t emotionally available, and her father thought throwing money at problems would fix them. Lottie grew up believing she was messed up and wished she could just be how her parents wanted her, but she never really understood what was wrong with her. 

♡ Lottie is a Extervert. She loves connecting with people and talking in general. She is the type of person who always makes little friends in public places. It could be an old lady, a frat dude, or a little girl. It doesn’t matter because she is now their friend, and they are talking. 

♡ Lottie likes spicy food a lot, and she would be the person to proudly eat chili without flinching infront of people. 

♡ Lottie’s favorite food is a Spicy King Crab roll and Miso Soup from her hometown Japanese restaurant. She likes to add wasabi to all her sushi, even the Californian roll. 

♡ Lottie's childhood was not horrible, but it was very lonely. Lottie had all the toys, Nannies, and friends to fill her time. She never went without, and she never really had to worry about her basic needs not getting met. But her mother was emotionally absent because her father was a very intense control freak about how the family should be. Her dad came from money, and her mother did not, and she was the collateral damage of two different philosophies about raising kids. She didn't get any reassurance, and she was seen as messed up in some way. If she wasn't perfect or had opinions against her father, he would throw her mental disorder in her face. Lottie loves her parents and will follow what they say to the word, but she holds so much resentment towards them.

♡ Laura Lee, Taissa,  and Van are her closest friends on the team. In high school, Van, Tai, and Lottie always sat together in classes and at lunch. They were their own cliche in the team, and Laura Lee was the innocent add-on they all had a soft spot for. 

♡ Lottie's sex drive is pretty normal, it isn't all that crazy. Lottie likes to have sex 1 or 2 times a week, and she likes to have wholesome intimacy in between. Lottie is a Switch! in her normal setting, but she does lead towards Top! most of the time.

♡ I think Lottie’s main vice that she uses at a party, which might be crazy but hear me out, is cocaine. I believe this because she is 1. a girl from NEW money 2. It’s an upper drug 3. It’s the fucking 1990s. 

♡ ⚠️Unpopular opinion⚠️ I think that Lottie is not ashamed of being rich and taking her father’s money. It’s the culture of her family and their upper-class peers. She is thrilled that she doesn’t have to work or struggle, and she grows to learn that it is a profound privilege never to have to work or struggle in her early adulthood or ever really. 

𝙳𝚒𝚏𝚏𝚎𝚛𝚎𝚗𝚝 𝙰𝚄s/𝚄𝚗𝚒𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚜𝚎s

♡ Royalty AU! Lottie Matthews would be a Merlin or Head Mage of the castle. I can see Lottie playing some kind of magical role in a fantasy setting and that she would be someone who is seen as crazy still because I feel like it is core to Lottie’s character. She would give you healing potions, and she would give you a protective rune for your armor or a necklace for your journey. She would be watching out for you through a looking glass. 

♡ Delinquent AU! Lottie is a hardcore shoplifter who got busted for stealing $670 worth of clothes from the mall. She was arrested, her parents paid her bail, and she kept doing it. It gives Lottie feelings that she usually has numbed through her many medications and uses Shoplifting to thrill her in her watered-down, milquetoast privileged life. 

♡ Supernatural AU! Lottie is a forest witch for the reasons above in the Royalty AU.  

♡ Superhero/Marvel AU! Spiderman. No other words. 

♡ College AU! Lottie would be a pothead in college and would get into spirituality. I think in every timeline, Lottie gives off goop vibes and would become some kind of spiritual influencer. She would be on Witchtok for sure. Lottie would change majors a lot. I see English, Communications, French, and even a try in Gender studies. She will eventually drop out because she has her dad’s money to fall back on.

𝙿𝚛𝚎-𝙲𝚛𝚊𝚜𝚑 𝙷𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚌𝚊𝚗𝚘𝚗𝚜

♡ Lottie would be the one to tell you that she likes you first, and she would be very blunt about it. Lottie wants to take bandaids off as quickly as possible, so when she has feelings, she just wants to shoot her shot and lick her wounds as quickly as possible. 

♡ Lottie is a firm believer in retail therapy. Lottie has always really liked to go shopping and go to the mall. She likes to try on clothes and make you try on different looks. Want to try goth, preppy, sporty, chic? She would never be shy to buy you some things on her dad’s credit card. 

♡ Lottie likes to take you out on dates to restaurants and lovely places like ballets and theatres. I see Lottie taking you out for a good dinner and going off to see the Nutcracker with hot chocolates around Christmas time.

♡ Lottie is the more anxious partner in the relationship. She will call you and try to talk when you are away from her. She wants to ensure you are always okay and doesn’t like her favorite person being away from her. 

𝚆𝚒𝚕𝚍𝚎𝚛𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚜 𝙷𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚌𝚊𝚗𝚘𝚗𝚜

♡ Lottie leans on you for support when she runs out of her medication. She entirely relies on you to tell her what reality is anymore because she can’t tell with her chemicals being misplaced. Her delusions become very real, the voices seem more real and responsible, and she doesn’t trust herself. Even with her connection to It, Lottie doesn’t trust her perception of anything. She doesn’t ask you about things most of the time. 

♡ Lottie always tells you about her dreams at night, how they happened, and the surreal plots of her mind, and she wants to know yours. She grows to believe that everyone’s dreams tell you something that could bring the Yellowjackets more food and breaks from the wilderness. A deer must be nearby if you see a deer in a dream. If there was a conflict with people or the girls on camp in a dream, that indicates there must be some bad times coming your way (small or big could cast lives) 

♡ Lottie cuddles with you all the time in the wilderness for warmth. Lottie is always cold, even in the summer. She likes to have you physically near her to feel your heat. She is very physically affectionate out in the wilderness. 

♡  Lottie gets jealous quickly, even before the crash, by giving something or someone more attention than you give her. She doesn’t like it. If you are hanging out with your friends on camp, Lottie will wander into the conversation seamlessly. But if you are getting flirted with, or she perceives someone is flirting with you, she goes a little crazy. She gets confrontational, and she becomes somewhat aggressive in her words, but she always comes to her senses and apologies.

♡  Lottie has more sexual desire now in the wilderness, and the freedom of being in love with you makes her want to have sex anytime you move. In the wilderness, Lottie develops a primal kink and a breeding kink out there and begs to get you pregnant (which can't happen).

[phaedraismyusername]

Hi hello I have been knee deep in a genre binge so here are some literary sci-fi books that deal with loneliness as a core theme

I Who Have Never Known Men by Jacqueline Harpman

Translated from French this book follows the youngest girl in a group of 40 women who are being kept in a cage underground in an unknown place, for unknown reasons, until one day they get the chance to escape triggering a search for answers and survival on a desolate surface.

Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro

This is a very subtle dystopian story about a group of people who spend their childhoods at an extremely secretive english boarding school, the course of their relationships, and where they are at the end of their lives. There's a subtle feeling of wrongness from the first chapter and the author spends the rest of the novel very slowly revealing the reasons why.

Everything You Ever Wanted by Luiza Sauma

The super short form pitch for this book is 'Fleabag if there was an option to yeet herself to another planet'. Iris is in a long term relationship with depression, kind of hates her pointless job, sometimes hates her family, and is generally overwhelmed by the weight of existence, when she hears about Nyx - earth's first space colony - and thinks that just maybe it could be the answer to all her problems.

Remnant Population by Elizabeth Moon

When the population of a company sponsored colony finds out they have been designated a failure and the people are to be packed up and shipped off to another planet to try again, one little old lady decides that for the first time in her long life she's going to break the rules - she's going to stay and live her best life alone on the planet, and finally get some peace and quiet. What could go wrong?

Skyward Inn by Aliya Whiteley

Skyward Inn is an odd little book set in a future where Earth has come into contact with an alien world that quickly surrendered to humanity. The story follows a small group of kind of unlikeable people who live behind the walls of the 'western protectorate' - a place in the moors that's decided to isolate itself and live like the old days with rudimentary technology for a simple life. Until strangers appear and things start to get... weird. Slower, stranger and with more body horror than you might expect.

[rebo-chan]

I think one of my favourite moments in the series is the end of the storm battle. for one i am a die hard gokudera fan and in my opinion only the gamma fight surpasses it. And on the other-

The fact tsuna who is usually so reserved and just lets dera do his thing despite telling him quietly "you really don't have to"

Gets SO pissed at Gokudera for DARING to put his life on the line for this. A piece of jewelery and an empty title..

He calls it all meaningless if that means they cant just hang out together anymore.

Dera who links his own worth as a human being to his usefulness and position as a mafiosi is told "I just want you alive and by my side" in i think one of the most direct "this is the core of the whole series" moments we get.

When yamamoto faces ken he still holds back bc he doesnt want to get injured but as soon as TSUNA is in danger he says "fuck it" and gets serious.

In the shimon arc hibari picks up on tsunas depressive state and it annoys him so he changes that in his own way.

Its how mukuro in the rainbow trials cares for a tired fran.

Its how during the ring battles the girls and mama Sawada CONSTANTLY visit Lambo to make sure he is okay.

Its also how tsuna saves him in the first place. Fuck the rings, fuck the position, fuck this whole stupid arangement of fights- he has to save his family.

These people often get violent with each other and agressive, they bicker and they fight, but when the chips are down, all they care about is each other.

Most shounen protags have some kind of dream or goal, Tsuna just really really wants a quiet life and to spend that with his friends and family. The whole mafia buisness is just what he needs to do to keep that family he gained safe. Nothing tsuna EVER does is motivated by some ulterior motive for fame or riches. Its either him being FORCED into action bc he was literally kicked into it by reborn, or its because he has to resolve the situation to keep his friends and family safe.

The Caallone has a FUCKTON of members and so does the vongola and Tsuna really really really really REALLY doesnt care for any of that because in the end his own world is very small compared to the mafia.

I have to think of that one quote "why do you want to save this planet?" -"Because I live here!" for tsuna it would be "because my family lives here."

I mean be Tsuna isn't "heroic". Yeah he cares about other people and strangers, he helps old ladies, but when something is going on his go to isn't "I have to do something!" it's uauslly "man I hope SOMEONE does something. Not gonna be me tho!"

Sorry for the long ask i just wanted to rephrase what you said basically and send it back to you

HELLO AGAIN, thank you for the ask. Don't apologize at all for length, I'm absolutely foaming reading this.

I'm so glad you get what I was going for in the post. Those moments drive me insane. "They bicker and they fight but when the chips are down, all they care about is each other" and "Because my family lives here" I FEEL ABSOLUTELY INSANE ABOUT THESE LINES. You're so so right!!! The Vongola kids bully and tease and are nasty to each other, until it comes down to it and they fight tooth and nail for each other. Exactly what I was going for. The series doesn't need those scenes where Tsuna tells Gokudera he cares about him and they're warm and cuddly towards each other, bc it comes through in his words when meek and reserved Tsuna yells at him and tells him to stop trying to die for him or for some stupid ring. And I think that's so fun!! All the other stuff you listed also drives me so insane. For yamamoto, him letting himself get injured for Tsuna's sake was so good and Tsuna's love for Yamamoto shone through there too because Tsuna saw the injury and felt such immense guilt only apologizing for ruining everything for Yamamoto. Only for Yamamoto to go "No, I'm fine. As long as YOU'RE safe" like that's so good???

The Hibari thing?? How he sees Tsuna's depressed state over it all and all he says to comfort him is "Watch me." because that's all he could understand about the situation. That if he wins his fight, somehow Tsuna will cheer up. and its just so???? GOD ITS JUST SO FULL OF LOVE. Every character in this series shows love in their own ways and it drives me maddd

Mukuro taking care of a tired child too doesn't surprise me with his backstory. He's so gentle with people that are in "his care" even if he won't actively admit it.

The girls as well I'm so glad you pointed them out!! We so like to ignore them in this fandom and thats so sad bc the series makes it really clear that they are part of this equation too. That without their support, the fighters would not have made it. Tsuna could relax knowing Mama Sawada and the girls were watching Lambo and focus on his fight. And during future, he could focus on his training. Not to mention, they're just so supportive especially after they find out what's going on. The boycott episode and its resolution are some of my favorite scenes in Future, it makes me insane that the show gave the girls a Moment to remind us that they too are both deeply loved and ALSO love the boys just the same.

You're so right about Tsuna not being heroic, hell even in Shimon arc Enma is being bullied right infront of him and its Reborn that has to be like "STOP OR SAWADA TSUNAYOSHI WILL HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS!!" He's kindhearted and he's got a good moral compass.. It's hard to explain, but you basically have to be IN Tsuna's circle for you to get that sort of "I will die for you" behavior kksjng otherwise he sorta reverts back to his "who me? im just a 14 yr old boy im nobody"

Thank you for sharing Lou (Or eternitas, whatever you'd prefer!) Spreading my own brain rot back at me very nice :^)

[coopigeoncoo]

An Itch to Scratch, Chapter 3: Through The Hourglass I Saw You

Chapter Links: One, Two, Three

Pairing: Kirishima Eijiro/Female Reader

Rating: Explicit 18+

Tags: Mermay, Mer!Kirishima, Interspecies Relationships, Sexual Content, Drowning, Somnophilia, Caretaking, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Medical Conditions, Family Secrets, Self-Esteem Issues, Long-Distance Relationship, Wakes & Funerals, Family Member Death, Depression, Original Characters, Adopted Children, Angst with a Happy Ending.

This story is part of a collaboration from the Teahouse Server.

---

Kirishima Eijiro is everything you never thought you'd find when you packed up your car and moved to a dilapidated fishing town.  He was handsome, funny, and kind; the sort of man who took your breath away.  

And that might actually be a bit of a problem.

---

"Good girl ," Eijiro praised, his hands like a vice on your hips as he pulled away from your mouth with a satisfied grin.  You returned his smile with one of your own; the vibrant joy that had churned in your belly unfurled throughout your body, leaving you feeling breathless and lightheaded.  

"Eiji," you gasped, eyes widening in panic as your lungs seemed to seize in your chest.  "I- can't breathe!"

---

Continue reading below, or follow the link to Ao3!

The harbor grew grimmer by the day as ships disappeared one-by-one, loaded up onto trailers and hauled away into storage for the season.  Some of the men joined their ships in wintering away from the town, setting off in the early morning light to visit far flung families until they had long worn out their welcome and the ice began to thaw.

You were helping out down at the docks that morning, accompanying Gramps who insisted on sticking to his usual routine despite the rasp in his chest that he couldn't quite kick.  You'd stuck around to keep an eye on him, making yourself useful by stacking up the lobster pots and crab cages in a nearby storage building.  The wire cages were hopelessly bent and buckled from years of heavy use, so your stacks were lopsided and wobbly; threatening to topple over if you so much as looked at them wrong.  

"Could be worse, I suppose," the Dockmaster tutted, which was pretty much as close to a glowing recommendation as he was capable of giving.  "Don't forget to grab the pots near the office too."

"The remaining boats won't need them?"

"Nah.  It's starting to get too cold for shellfish.  Most of the crabs and lobsters have already moved out into deeper waters where it's warmer.  It's not worth the trouble for the handful of 'em that haven't had the good sense to leave yet."

"I see," you mutter distractedly, thinking about the lobster you knew for certain was still lingering near the shore and how cold his skin had grown.  

"You need to leave, don't you?" You asked Kirishima the next day as you lay sprawled across his chest and belly, an old quilt wrapped around your upper bodies as you did your best to bring up his core temperature.

"I don't want to," he whispered, pulling you further up his chest so he could nuzzle into your neck as he was oft to do.  "I want to stay with you."

"Eijiro-"

"Please.  Just a few more days.  I'm not ready yet."

"And you will be in a couple of days?"

"No," Eijiro laughs dryly, his upper legs snagging the edge of the quilt and tucking it more firmly around your body.  "But I don't think I'll have much of a choice."

Clad in your wetsuit, the murky ocean water too cold for even a warm-blooded creature like yourself to brave without discomfort, you clung desperately to Eijiro in the fading evening light.  You had spent the entire day wrapped in each other's tight embrace, treasuring every kiss and caress, knowing that these fleeting touches would have to sustain you over the long months you'd spend apart.  

"Promise that you'll come back?" You croak, throat tight with misery.  "That you won't meet some lobster lady and forget all about me?"

"That's enough of that sort of talk," Eijiro scolded, grasping your chin in his icy hand and directing your gaze up to his face; his eyes steely and serious.  "Believe me, Minnow- nobody can ever compare to you."

"I'm sorry," you cry.  "I'm not doubting your sincerity, but it's just so hard and I- I don't know what I'll do without you."

"Can I tell you something?  About when we first met?"

"Okay."

"I…wasn't in a great place that day.  I had been rejected again for mating rights- the same thing that had happened year after year after year.  I thought that I would never get to know what it was like; to be held, wanted, loved," he explained, stopping to press a tender kiss to your furrowed brow.  "And then, all of a sudden, there you were."

"There I was, thinking that a lobster man was drowning and making an absolute fool of myself," you snort, that memory summoning up a feeling of retrospective mortification that sometimes kept you awake at night.  

"No.  There you were, struggling to reach me- to save me.  I might not have actually been in trouble, but no one had ever fought so hard for me before, not once in my entire life.  Can you imagine how I felt then?  When you reached out to me and begged for me to take your hand?  When you promised you wouldn't ever let me go?"

You shook your head, the unforgiving loneliness Kirishima described too strange and foreign for you to truly understand.

"It felt like all of my dreams had come true," he grinned, his pale blue lips stretched wide into a dreamy smile.

"Oh, Eijiro," you sobbed, chest bursting with emotions you struggled to put names to; feelings that existed somewhere in the space between heartbreak and bliss.

"And you know what the most amazing thing was?  You kept fighting for me.  Over and over again, even when the opponent was yourself.  I thought for sure when we thought you were allergic to me that you would realize I wasn't worth the trouble and give up."

"But I didn't."

"No, you didn't," Eijiro whispered, disbelief and awe steeped into his words as he cradled your face adoringly between his chilled hands. "And now it's my turn.  Let me prove to you that I will always return, that I'll fight to be by your side for as long as you'll have me."

"Forever, then?"

"Forever," Kirishima readily agreed, sealing his oath with a kiss that lasted until you were both left shivering as the final rays of sun were swallowed by the horizon.

You had arranged for Gramps to spend the day with his friends down at the restaurant where they were celebrating the official end of the commercial fishing season.  As much as all the men claimed they wouldn't so much as touch a pole until the Game Warden declared the waters open for fishing next year, you knew you would catch them out on the lake in a few weeks time; sawing through the ice and vying for the best positions to park their fishing huts.  

You had begged off from the celebrations, citing a need for a break from caregiving and catch your breath.  The men organizing the event had understood completely, assuring you that they would keep a close watch on your Grandpa and get him home safely at the end of the night.  

There was an entire list of chores that needed to be done; scrubbing the burnt lasagna sauce from the bottom of the oven, crawling under the porch to shut off the water to the outside spigot before the first frost hit, making sure Gramps had enough meds to make it through the week- mundane things.  Important things.  Things that absolutely needed to get done.  

Instead, you rolled over and pulled your covers over your head, crying yourself quietly back to sleep instead.  

"Hey, Gramps?" You called out from your place at the stove, pushing a spatula half-heartedly through the powdered eggs congealing at the bottom of the pan.  "You gonna' do anything with the box on the table?  It's been sitting there a couple of days and I want to try and get the table cleaned off by dinner."

"What are you talking about?" Your Grandpa huffed, shuffling into the kitchen.  "I didn't get a package."

"Check the table," you encouraged gently, turning away so you wouldn't have to witness the pinch of confusion twisting across his face.    

"Oh, I- I guess I'd forgotten," he stammered, mind reeling for an explanation as he pulled out the packing slip, a shower of foam shipping peanuts spilling out across the tabletop. "Must have thought it was for you or something."

"Of course," you agreed, shutting off the burner and dumping the scrambled eggs into a shallow bowl.  "Here's breakfast if you want it."

"Yeah.  Yeah, thanks," he muttered as he squinted down at the packing list.  "Do you know why I ordered five bags of penis shaped pasta?"

You laughed, a sharp, surprised sound that was wholly inappropriate on such a quiet morning.  

"Can't say that I do.  But if It were me, I'd make some for dinner so the next time someone told me to go eat a bag of dicks I could say 'Oh, yeah?  I already have.'"

"Ha!" Your Grandpa wheezed, slapping his thigh heartily before digging one of the bags of pasta out of the box.  "That's a good one!"

"Don't act so surprised," you sniff haughtily, snagging the pasta from his hand and dropping it onto the counter.  "I am your granddaughter after all."

"That you are," he chuckled, spooning some of the eggs into his mouth while you rooted through the fridge.

"Do we have any hot dogs left?" You ask as you push a margarine container full of leftovers to the side. "I want to chop some up and add them to the pasta so we can really lean into the weenie linguini angle."

The boys from the dock were over today, crammed around the ancient TV in the living room on folding chairs they hauled around from house to house to accommodate their shifting hangout locations so no one person had to bear the burden of hosting every get together.  

You'd thought they would have some sort of preferred sports match to watch, a local football or hockey team perhaps; but apparently the group of them were too competitive to coexist peacefully during play-off season.  After a particular explosive brawl a decade or so ago, where everyone limped away with fat lips and bloody knuckles, they had sworn off sports spectatorship entirely for the sake of community harmony.  These days they spent their weekends tuned into dog shows, speculating on which pooches would place and cheering on their favorite breeds.  

"I don't get how this is any different than you all watching football or something," you huff, slamming a piece of bread down on top of the tuna sandwich you were assembling.  "Those dogs are still competing and you're all still picking sides."

"That's true," your Grandpa's best friend nodded, snagging a bag of pork rinds out of the pantry to carry back out to the living room along with his newly opened beer. "But the difference is that we really don't care which dogs actually win.  They're all good dogs who deserve to come in first, so there are no hard feelings when your favorite doesn't place."

"Can't argue with that logic, I suppose."

"Nope.  And believe me, we've tried!" He chortled, peering around the door frame to sneak a glance at Gramps; perched in his recliner and trying to follow the bouncing conversation with a distant gaze.  

"He's not doing well, is he?" His friend sniffed, doing his best to keep his emotions at bay by coughing into his fist.  

"No, he's not."

"Right.  Okay."

"It's not," you croaked, placing a gentle hand between his quaking shoulders, rubbing soothing circles and allowing him to have a quiet moment of grief while snippets of an argument over the low placement of a group favorite, a sad-faced St. Bernard, floated by.

It was bitterly cold out tonight.  You thought you had bundled up appropriately for the season, but it had quickly become evident the moment you stepped outside that you had missed the mark by a layer or five.  It wasn't enough of a deterrent for you to turn around though.  You needed to get out and fill your lungs with something besides the stale air of your house that was weighed down by the fragrance of your Grandfather's slow demise; thin broths and pain medicine, powdered shampoo and muscle creams.  

Body on auto-pilot, you wandered down to the beach, dropping down onto the frigid sand indelicately.  You stared out at the ocean for a while, lost in the memories of sunny days and Kirishima's sunnier smile.

"You better come back, Eijiro," you whispered, tears stinging sharply as they rolled down your cheeks in the frigid air. "I don't think I can handle losing both of you."

Gramps had passed quietly in the night during the deepest part of winter; when snow fell more often than not and you had to muscle the front door open from the frozen frame every morning.  It had taken the funeral home a long time to get to you with the icy condition of the roads, so you did your best to keep busy and await their arrival.  

You had thought that you could be strong and wait with your Grandpa when the time came, but now that the moment was here you found that you couldn't bear to stay in his room a moment longer than absolutely necessary.  His face was slack and unfamiliar, body empty of the essence that made Gramps uniquely him; the wise-cracking busybody with more jokes than sense.  

Ignoring the smell of cooling excrement that permeated the room, you kissed your Grandfather's forehead, tucked his blankets further up on his shoulders, and left the room.  You frittered time away with any distraction you could find, sifting through piles of junk mail and TV guides, straightening the doilies your Grandma had lovingly tatted and draped across every horizontal surface, and cut out coupons from the Sunday paper.  Each of those tasks stretched out by you anxiously pulling back the front window curtain every few minutes to check for the hearse's arrival.  

After an eternity of chipping ice off the freezer walls, you finally spied the hearse slowly rolling down the street, followed by a beat up sedan you knew belonged to your Grandpa's best friend.  He shot out of the car recklessly fast for someone with a bad hip on an icy sidewalk, but you didn't have it in you to chastise him.  

Not today.

"I'm so sorry," you apologized as you ran a shaking hand down your face in frustration, watching the people from the funeral home unload a gurney and toss a folded up body bag on top. "I should have called- I didn't, I don't-"

"Hush," your Grandpa's friend interrupted gruffly, pulling you into a tight hug that you didn't know you needed.  "You've had enough on your mind this morning.  Have you eaten?"

"I- no.  I went to ask Gramps what he wanted and I just never got around to it," you say, voice muffled by the downy coat your face was pressed into.  "I think I may have left the milk out."

"It's cold enough that I'm sure the milk is fine," he said, pulling back from the hug and pushing you inside with a firm hand on your shoulder while the funeral director and his assistant rolled the gurney towards the front steps.  "How about I meet with these gentlemen while you whip us up something real quick?  I'm not picky, so whatever you make'll be fine."

You were thankful in this moment for the way the entire town danced around emotionally charged situations, welcoming the distraction of preparing a meal over having to deal with well-meaning sympathies and feelings you weren't sure how to start processing.  

"I'll get some coffee going.  Come to the kitchen whenever you're ready."

"Will do."

"This is a good turn out," you cried, dabbing at your eyes with a handful of soggy tissues.

"Your Grandfather was a well liked man."

"I don't even recognize some of the people here," you admitted, squinting to the back row that was clogged with women in spectacularly styled church hats and hand-me-down pearls.

"That's the Ladies Auxiliary for the town up the coast.  They come to all the funerals around here."

"For fun?"

"No," your Grandpa's friend snorted.  "To make sure there's always someone here.  Not everyone is as popular as your Gramps is- was."

"Oh," you sob, overcome by their thoughtfulness.  "That's so nice."

"It is.  They're lovely gals."

Still crying, you peered down into the casket where Gramp's body lay; still and unsmiling for the first time in his life.  The funeral director had seemed a bit confused when you had handed him the bag of garments and accessories you had put together for your Grandfather to be buried in, but you were pleased to see he had executed your vision flawlessly.  

His only suit, a tasteful tweed affair you had seen him squeeze into for every family wedding since you were a kid, was accented by a novelty squirting flower pinned to his lapel and a motorized bow tie that spun wildly under his chin with a cheery whirring noise.  

"You don't think the novelty vampire teeth were too much?" 

"This is exactly what he would have wanted," his friend assures you, reaching into the casket and pushing down onto the rubber chicken stuffed into the crook of your Grandfather's arm; the resulting squawk easily heard over the din of the deep sniffles of a group of men who refused to outright cry and were all collectively experiencing an out of season allergy flare up.  

"Just wait until the eulogies.  I slipped a remote controlled fart machine into his pocket."

The town restaurant was unusually packed during breakfast the next day.  The booths that usually sat empty were all full of members of the Ladies Auxiliary, each woman primly sipping coffee and pointedly ignoring each other's deeply rumpled dresses and day-old makeup.  

"Do you have something you want to say?" The lady at the counter next to you bristled, apparently taking your curious glances as a sign of disapproval.

"Not at all," you rushed to explain, sliding a handful of bills across the counter to pay for your breakfast order.  "I'd be doing something similar if my boyfriend were around."

"Alright then," the woman said, shoulders deflating as the fight seeped from her body.  "My apologies."

"It's fine," you say, waving off her contrition as you contemplate a triangle of toast left untouched on your plate.  "Besides, I'm sure my Gramps would be thrilled that his funeral was directly responsible for his friends having such a memorable evening."

"Goodness!" The woman gasped.  "That was your Grandfather's funeral?  I feel even worse now!"

"It's fine!  Really!  I shouldn't have been staring.  I've just gotten used to the same grungy old men that seeing a group of lovely and well-dressed women caught me off guard."

"They are a bit rough around the edges," the woman agreed with a slight grimace, dabbing at the faded remains of her lipstick with the edge of a napkin.  

"No judgment here, sister.  Any port in a storm, ammirite?" 

She snorts inelegantly, the corner of her mouth quirked in delight as she unclasps the top of her practical clutch and pulls out a slightly wrinkled pamphlet for the Ladies Auxiliary that she slides across the counter towards you.

"Here's the brochure for our branch of the Auxiliary.  You should consider joining.  I think it'll do you good to spend some time away from these old curmudgeons and spend some time in a more…feminine atmosphere."

To perfectly punctuate her sales pitch, one of the men at the back of the diner let loose an astoundingly loud belch that immediately launched all the men into an explosive round of appreciative applause.

"One question: do I get to wear a fancy hat like you do?" You ask, staring at the artfully arranged tower of tulle and feathers piled atop her head.

"Of course.  What's even the point, otherwise?"

"Count me in."

The weeks ticked by slowly as you grew accustomed to living by yourself and figuring out what constituted your new normal.  The activities that had defined your existence at the beginning of your stay, spending time with Eijiro and caring for Gramps, were both suddenly and dramatically stricken from your schedule and you struggled to fill your days because of it.  

Perhaps sensing your ennui, the town council; which was composed entirely of the two brothers who also ran the post office, elected to put you in charge of using the snowblower to clear off the sidewalks on mainstreet and the walkways of anyone who called and asked you for assistance.  It kept you busy most mornings, and you were glad for the distraction.  

The rest of your time was spent getting Gramp's affairs put in order; contacting banks and sending copies of his death certificate to Governmental agencies you'd never heard of before.  When you had a moment to spare you would pick a room in the house and start organizing, carefully packing away bits of family history and discarding numerous shoe boxes stuffed full of faded sales receipts and old batteries.

Gramps friends and neighbors, sadly well-versed in estate cleaning, would often swing by to assist you in lifting heavier objects and driving truck beds full of garbage out to the dump.  You were currently glued to your laptop, scanning in old family photos for posterity and considering how much of a bother it would be to put a digital album together when a hand clapped down firmly onto your shoulder, wrenching a startled yelp out from the depths of your soul.

"Sorry!" Your Grandpa's friend winced, removing his hand from your shoulder and taking a step away from your person.  "Didn't realize I was sneaking up on ya'."

"It's okay," you gasp, heart still hammering in your chest.  "I was pretty distracted."

A picture from your Grandparents' honeymoon had just popped up on the screen.  With little money and even less time to spare, they had spent a weekend driving up and down the coast, stopping and eating at every pancake restaurant they could find.  They'd rated their meals at every location, their food selections identical for the sake of consistency, in a tiny notebook you'd found stashed away in Gramp's desk.  

"Good gracious- look at how young he was."

"I know."

"Such a goofy looking fella'," he noted, pulling out the chair next to you.  "Good thing you take after your Grandma."

"The small mercies of the universe," you agree, loading up a new picture into the scanner.  

He flips through the box of loose photos, pausing every now and then to closely examine a picture of him or the boys around town.

"You don't have to stay, you know," he murmured gruffly as he lifted a delicate sepia tinted photo up by the edges. "You've been helping out a lot this year and while we're grateful for all you've done, we'll get along just fine without you.  We always have."

It was kind of him, to give you an out; to not mention the handfuls of people who had left town this year, either in a body bag or shoved into the dedicated minivan from the local retirement home.  The townsfolk had gotten by in the past because they were numerous and young.  Now they were few and old and struggling to make it through each year.  You leaving would likely be the domino that would send the town toppling into ruin with no one around to push a mower without getting winded or shuffle up onto a roof to repair a leak without vertigo setting in.  

"This life…isn't what I ever imagined for myself," you admit, mind churning with thoughts of Eijiro as you swap out photos in the scanner once more. "But that doesn't mean I'm unhappy here.  I'm just happy in a way I didn't expect."

"You like us old coots that much, eh?" He chuckled, tossing the photo back into the box and turning his attention to a stack of your Grandfather's ledgers.  

"Please," you scoffed.  "I'm only staying because I just sent a check up to the Ladies Auxiliary and I know for a fact that there's no way they'll refund me that membership fee.  Their treasurer is feisty."

As soon as the barometer rose above freezing the town sprung into action, ripping tarps off of boats, changing out oil, and checking coolant levels.  It was still far too cold for leaves and blossoms to emerge, but the return of the ships to harbor did more to lift your spirits than a field of flowers ever could.  Those boats were a true and indelible sign that spring was on its way.  

"What are you smiling about?" One of the dockworkers called down to you from where he was grinding down a rusty patch on the cabin wall with a belt sander.  "If you have time to be happy you must not have enough to do!"

"No, no!  I'm very busy here," you assured him, smearing a large glob of wax across the hull.  "I'm just excited that it's almost lobster season again."

"Again with all the lobster talk?  All winter it's been lobster this and lobster that!"

"Well, can you blame me?  I think I've spent enough of my life without lobster at this point."

"Fair enough!" The worker laughed, a dry bray that sounded enough like a donkey that it always made you smile.  "What are you looking forward to the most?  Steamed lobster? Lobster rolls?"

"I'm looking forward to getting me some of that sweet, sweet lobster tail," you giggled to yourself, kicking on the electric buffer to drown out the sounds of chit-chat and swearing, drifting off in a sea of titillating memories you hoped you'd be able to recreate soon.  

You were refreshing the paint on a red and yellow striped buoy, hands and arms splotched with an entire rainbow of colors from your work, when the Dockmaster approached the section of overturned crates you had turned into your maritime arts and crafts station.

"You're not completely incompetent."

"Thank you, Sir," you said, setting down your brush to rest across the top of a small bucket of paint.  

"Clean up here and come to my office.  I've got something for you."

That something turned out to be a set of keys that you had barely managed to catch by the neon orange key float as the Dockmaster chucked them at your head. 

"Those'r the keys to your new boat.  Congratulations.  Don't fuck up," he grunted, snuffing his cigarette out in an overflowing ashtray.  "Now get out of my office."

You stumbled out of the smoky room, keys clutched in your hands as you slumped down into a sagging lawn chair the Dockmaster kept outside for his smoke breaks on warmer days when the air in his office became too stifling.

"You okay?" One of the passing fishermen asked, hefting a large coil of rope further up his shoulder.  "Dockmaster wasn't too mean to ya', was he?"

"No- he, uh.  He gave me a boat?" 

"Ha!  Did he really?" The fisherman laughed.  "Guess you're really one of us now!"

"But I don't even know how to drive a boat!" You screeched, panic quickly replacing the buzzing numbness that had filled you only moments before.  

"It's not that hard.  Me and the boys will go with you when you take your boat for a spin and show you the ropes."

"That'll be great.  Thanks."

It was, in fact, not great.  

While the fishermen were correct that driving a boat was technically easy, every other aspect of handling a boat fell somewhere along the spectrum between frustrating and absolute madness.  Your docking skills were so abysmal that the fishermen had ended up lashing tires around the entire hull, effectively turning your ship into the maritime version of a bumper car.  

But the absolute worst part of the entire experience turned out to be the name of your vessel.  

"I'm changing the name," you declared boldly once you and your group of tagalong fishermen had matched the numbers on your keychain to the blocky boat ID numbers printed on the forward half of the ship.  

"Oh, come on!" One of the men laughed, doubled over and wheezing for breath at your expense.  "You're the perfect choice to captain 'The Nauti Girl!'" 

Just saying the name outloud was enough to send the men into a cackling uproar once again.  One man with a bushy Santa beard was having a hard enough time regaining his composure that he gave up entirely and laid down on the dock, rolling around on the warped planks as he fought to catch his breath.  

"Nope.  I refuse.  This boat is going to have a nice and respectable name.  Like 'Sea Breeze' or 'Wave Breaker'," you huffed.  "Something I won't be embarrassed to call out over the radio."

"Boooring!" The loudest fisherman protested.  "Besides, it's bad luck to change the name of a ship."

"Of course it is," you mutter disgruntledly.

"Also," the man continued. "If you changed the name then you'd have to get rid of this lovely lady!" He said while gesturing to the cute, pinup style mermaid in a sailor's hat perched next to your boat's sprawling cursive name.  

You cross your arms across your chest, thoughtfully staring at the teal haired mermaid holding an anchor at just the right angle to obscure her nipples and keep things family-friendly.  

"Okay, fine.  But if I can't name the boat I get to name the mermaid," you grumbled, throwing your leg high to make it over the coaming and step down onto the deck; turning back to face the men in the dock when you realized they hadn't followed you onto the boat.

"Permission to come aboard, Captain?" The man with the Santa beard asked, his cheeks still burning red from his fit of hysterics moments ago.

"Permission granted," you grinned in return.  "I need you gentlemen to show me just what this 'Nauti Girl' is capable of!"

As the greenest fisher at the dock, the men had been gradually easing you into performing more difficult tasks while you grew accustomed to piloting your boat.  So far you had mostly been sent out to return forgotten items or lunches to boats that had disembarked earlier in the day, but just a few days ago the Dockmaster had started sending you out to check on the farthest flung lobster cages to see if the crustaceans were starting to make it back to the coastline.  

The first few had come up empty, so you made a note of their locations and double checked that they were firmly attached to their buoys before chucking them back into the water.  Pulling up on the next end line, you were surprised to feel some resistance.  The other cages had come up relatively easily, so maybe this pot actually had something trapped inside?

Bracing your legs, you tightened your grip onto the rope and gave a mighty tug, drawing the rope up and over the edge of your boat.  Ever so slowly, you drew the sodden rope up from the water, peering over the edge to see what could possibly be weighing down the line so much.  Your questions were answered when, with one final pull and a forceful grunt, the grinning face of Eijiro dramatically rose out of the water.  

"Would you look at that," you laughed, happy tears rolling down your cheeks as you reached down towards your boyfriend. "The first lobster of the season."

"And from the way you tell it, I'm quite the catch," Kirishima winked playfully as he grasped the side of your boat and pulled himself up to be face-to-face with you.  

"I missed you, Eijiro.  So, so much," you cried, wrapping your arms around his shoulders as tightly as you could, which you knew was a fair bit snugger than you could manage the last time you saw him thanks to countless hours of unpaid manual labor.  

"I missed you too, Minnow," Eijiro said, his voice shaky as he nuzzled into your shoulder and deeply inhaled the scent of your skin.  You had envisioned your reunion a thousand times over the last few months, but all of those scenarios paled in the face of the actual experience of being cradled in Eijiro's arms once more.  Even the uncomfortable feeling of the side of the boat digging into your belly couldn't take away from the thrum of utter contentment unfurling in your soul.  

"Nauti Girl, come in Nauti Girl.  Nauti Girl, do you read me? Over." The radio on your boat screamed as it crackled to life.  

"Really?" You groan. "They had to call right now?"

"Wait- why is that man calling you 'Naughty Girl'?" Kirishima asked, brow furrowed in confusion.

"Ugh!" You huff, pressing a quick to Eijiro's lips as you unwillingly work to free yourself from the tangle of his limbs.  "He isn't calling me that, it's the name of my boat."

"You named your boat Naughty Girl?"

"I would never!  It already came with a name-"

"Nauti Girl?  Pick up!  Over!"

"I'm coming!  Hold your horses!" You yell ineffectually at the radio, knowing that they won't hear you until you hold down the button to answer.  "Just- hold on one second, okay?"

You practically fly across the deck, slamming your hand down on the call button.  "Nauti Girl, here.  Go ahead.  Over."

"There was a small accident and we're short a set of hands to get the last boat launched.  Requesting you return to harbor to assist.  Over."

Hissing in frustration, you send a pleading look to where Eijiro is draped across the coaming, watching you with an utterly dejected look settling across his face.

"You need to go, don't you?" He murmured sadly.  

"I do.  They can't do it without me."

"I understand," Eijiro sighed, ruffling his hair in frustration and sending tiny droplets of water spraying across the deck.  "Sometimes you have to help others at the expense of yourself."

"Yeah," you sighed, pressing the button down once more.  "Roger that.  I'll finish up here and head back ASAP.  Over and out."

You hook the receiver back into place and rush again to Eijiro, cradling his jaw in your hands as you press tender kisses across his face.  He closed his eyes and sighed happily, basking in the glow of your loving attention.  

"I need to head back in.  But let's meet tonight at the cave up shore.  I'll bring some blankets and snacks and we can spend all night together, okay?"

"Okay," he nods with a soft smile, eyes sparking as his hand drifts down to pat at the top of a tightly woven seagrass basket tied around his hips.  "And I'll show you the surprise I brought."

"You got me something?" You gasp in delight, peering further over the edge of the boat to examine the closed lid basket more closely.  

"Technically, I got us something," he laughed nervously, glancing down at the basket with a fond smile.  "I hope you'll love it as much as I do."

The accident back at dock was thankfully minor; someone had gotten their hand smashed between two crates and while they hadn't broken any bones, Doc had them on lockdown in his living room to make sure they were actually keeping their hand iced and elevated.  Doc's concern was well placed because it wasn't unusual for the townsfolk to nod along to his instructions and then conduct themselves as though they were the poster children for medical noncompliance.  

With everyone pitching in you were able to get the last boat launched with no real issues and then spent the remainder of the afternoon anxiously watching the sun dip lower on the horizon as you replaced missing weights on casting nets.  Once it became too difficult to see what your hands were doing in the fading light, the men called it for the day and you had to endure the Herculean task of trying to casually walk home.  You wanted to take off at a sprint to rendezvous with Eijiro as quickly as you could, but knew that running through town would draw unwanted scrutiny from the townsfolk.  Going out onto the ocean alone at night was foolhardy and dangerous, and if you were caught heading out you knew that you would be hauled back in and given a stern talking to about your reckless behavior.  

So you played it cool, stopping to chat to folks heading down to the diner, dropping into the corner store to grab some granola bars and a couple bags of chips, and slowly made your way home the same as you would every night.  But you were off and running as soon as the porch door slammed shut behind you, tearing across the house and throwing things into a large duffle bag as quickly as you could manage before shoving slices of deli meat and handfuls of shredded cheese into your mouth in lieu of an actual meal as you waited for the last bit of daylight to evaporate into inky darkness.  

Once the bright pinpricks of stars were the only lights remaining in the sky you made your escape, sliding outside through the kitchen door that faced the ocean and creeping quietly down to the beach, stopping only to grab your inflatable raft you kept under the back deck.  Slipping on a life vest, you tossed your bag into your raft and waded out into the shallows, jumping aboard and pushing yourself away from the shore with alternating pushes of your paddle against the sandy ocean floor.  

"Just a little longer, Eiji," you whispered quietly into the night.  "I'm on my way."

Kirishima was already at the cave when you arrived, paddling nervously around in circles while singing, the strange clicks layering into a haunting sort of lullaby; like crickets chirping late in the night.  His song cut off as he caught sight of you, darting to you and grabbing a hold of your raft's tow rope and pulling you to the rocky cave shore as he'd done so many times before.

"Decided to leave the Naughty Girl at home, huh?" He teased, patting a hand onto the side of your trusty raft as you hopped out and pulled it further onto the shore to keep the shifting tide from grabbing it while you weren't paying attention.

"What are you talking about?  I'm right here!" You winked back playfully as you unzipped your duffle bag and worked at spreading the large quilt down over the sand.  

"Of course," he laughed, watching with fond eyes as you settled into the middle of the blanket. "My mistake."

"I can probably be persuaded to forgive you," you purred, patting the blanket as you beckoned for Kirishima to come and join you on shore.  His eyes followed the curves of your legs up as he swallowed thickly, hands darting to the basket at his hip.

"Okay, so, before we go any further I have something I need to show you," he confesses, untying the complicated knots that kept the basket lashed around his hips.  "You have to come here.  It doesn't- the basket has to stay in the water for now."

"Alright," you agreed readily, concerned for the abrupt mood shift Eijiro was displaying.  Cautiously, you made your way down to the water and stepped into the shallows, joining your boyfriend in the chest-deep water.

"Before I open this, I want to remind you about how much I love you.  I understand if this is too much and I'm sorry I made such a big decision without you, but I had to do something," Eijiro said, his words rushed and squished together with worry as he carefully pried open the lid of the basket and pushed it into your awaiting arms.

You peer down into the basket, stuffed full of slimy ribbons of kelp and dotted with tiny slivers of fish bones.  Confused, you were about to ask Kirishima about what exactly you were supposed to be looking at when a passing wave shifted a tangle of the kelp and revealed a downy tuft of bright red hair.  Breathlessly, you reached into the basket and brushed aside another clump of seaweed, uncovering the tiny curled up half-lobster baby within.  

"Eijiro," you whisper, trying to keep your voice level so you wouldn't disturb the sleeping child. "Did you steal a baby?"

"What? No!" Kirishima rushes to assure you, his smooth hands sliding to cover yours as you cradle the basket.  "It was a really successful hatching season.  We hadn't had so many hatchlings survive in, well, ever.  And we were struggling to keep them all fed and safe, but it was just too overwhelming."

"This little one was really struggling.  They wouldn't eat on their own and couldn't keep up with their siblings," Eijiro murmured sadly, letting loose a couple of comforting clicks as he ran a gentle finger through their fluttering hair.  "Their mother couldn't give them the attention they needed without her other children suffering, so she culled them from her nest."

"That's awful," you whispered, hand dipping into the basket beside Eijiro's to gently stroke the little one's pale and pudgy cheek.

"It is," he agreed.  "But necessary.  She couldn't risk the health of her other children for just one."

It was quiet for a while as you both peered down at the sleeping child as they shifted, curling their tail  around their head and rolling up into a ball about the size of an orange.  

"They're so small."

"The runt of their pod.  Just like me," Eijiro sniffed, a distant and miserable look in his eyes.  "It could have been me.  If my hatching year had been more successful, it would have been me pushed out and left to die."

"Oh, Eijiro," you sob; angry at the cruelty and unfairness of nature that had hurt the man you loved so deeply.  

"I just couldn't leave them.  Not if I could help."

"Of course you couldn't.  You did the right thing."

"You aren't upset?" Kirishima asked, thin threads of hope threading through the misery woven into his voice. 

"Oh, I am.  But not at you.  And not at them," you said as you ran a finger down the slick, unhardened chitin of their tiny tail.  

"Oh, Spirits be praised," he sighed, shoulders deeply sagging as relief flooded his body.  "I was hoping it would be okay since it was just one.  You told me one baby was normal for humans."

"You could have brought me a hundred babies and it still would have been fine," you assured him, smiling gently when the child sneezed, letting loose a burst of tiny bubbles from their mouth.

"I don't think we could handle a hundred babies," Eijiro chuckled, pulling you into his embrace, the basket sheltered between your entwined bodies. 

"Probably not," you agree, dropping your head down to rest on Eijiro's chest as you gazed down at your new baby in awe.  "But I think we can handle one."

"Yeah," Eijiro sighed happily, tightening his grip around you and the baby; his entire world, his family, cradled safely in his arms. "We can handle one." 

Your life was one of feast and famine.  The time spent with Eijiro and your child filled your heart and soul with so much joy that you often wondered how your body was able to contain it all without bursting at the seams.  Conversely, the long winter months served as a stark lesson in misery and longing as you anxiously awaited the arrival of spring and the migration of your small family back into your life.

To ease the anxious worries of your heart, Eijiro agreed to wear a tracking tag woven into a band on his wrist.  Each night you were bathed in the glow of your laptop screen, lulled to sleep by Eijiro drawing intricate patterns across the screen with his movements; wordless proclamations of love that only you could see.  

Your child, who you had discerned to be a girl once her swimmerets had developed enough to tell one way or the other, eventually appeared next to her father on the map; her bright dot carving out wobbly paths that mirrored Eijiro's smooth trails through the water. 

The townsfolk had noticed the intense depression you fell into during winter and did their best to keep you in good spirits.  The fishermen who taught you how to handle the Nauti Girl met you for dinner three nights a week, The Dockmaster taught you the actual rules to Backgammon and confirmed your long held suspicions that your Grandfather was a dirty rotten cheater, and the ladies at the Auxiliary pooled their money together to buy you one of those sun therapy lamps.  You weren't sure of the lamp's actual efficacy, but looking at it made you feel cared for and loved, so you kept it propped up in the corner of your living room anyway.

The longer you stayed in the dilapidated town you had grown to call home the more heartbreak you were subjected to.  Inevitably, the people you loved and lived with, relaxed and toiled beside, grew measurably older with each passing year until they very suddenly stopped- stopped aging, stopped breathing, stopped living.

The men assured you time and time again over coffee, returning from vacations, on their deathbeds; that they had no regrets.  That their lives were difficult, but wonderful.  The hands blistered and their joints were ground to dust from decades of thankless labor; but their eyes witnessed the boundless beauty that nature had to offer and they had the extreme privilege of knowing true acceptance and affection from their chosen family; their neighbors, brothers, and friends.  

That's what they wished for you to find as well; a devastatingly beautiful life full of misery and ecstasy and everything in-between.  And as you watched two heads of bright red hair breach the surface of the water, speeding towards your boat and a long-awaited reunion, you were fairly sure you already had.

[alys-gay-parade]

Some deep thoughts about Zelda before I go to sleep tonight:

I grew up with oot being my introduction to the series, and over the years, it consumed my life. Botw was exactly what I wanted from a fully open world zelda game, and totk has only built up from that. This is the franchise that taught me how to world build, write characters, and explore my identity. Looking back at my adolescence, I can safely say that Link and Zelda (as she slowly became an actually compelling character) were the opposite ends of my gender envy spectrum. I loved the effeminate twink that I could easily identify with (people who say he never had a personality before TP are wrong, my boy has always been a sassy bitch with a big heart) and the regal lady who was not opposed to getting her hands dirty to do the work she needed to do. Sheik being Zelda is still one of my favorite plot twists in the franchise, my girl rlly said "Fuck it, I'm gonna pose as a man my whole adolescence." Iconic.

I love how they imply in totk that the games in the timeline pre-botw are the legends passed down over hundreds of generations, explaining the thin and inexplicable timeline away as just cultural histories becoming warped and lost with each retelling. I bet they argue about the order of events in-universe, and you can not convince me otherwise. It makes me laugh looking back at oot seeing rauru portrayed as a pudgy old man hylian, knowing now that he's just straight up a god-like being that married a hylian woman.

This brings me to the future of the series, and a proposal: remake the old stories, but with the new lore, as they Actually Happened. Make the players figure out what parts were true and what parts were warped by time. Hell, make them with the effects of the new timeline Created by Zelda in totk. How does her presence alter history? How can we reimagine the events of pivotal games in the timeline with our new information? How can we keep improving our open world gameplay while revisiting the history that became fables?

I fell off of Zelda in my depression. But totk has renewed my love for what the franchise is and can become. They've really created so many opportunities to expand on what we know, as well as avenues to tell more new stories, possibly both in the same game if they play their cards right.

Thank you, Zelda Team and Miyamoto-san. You built a core aspect of my identity and continue to strive to improve and explore a world that means a lot to many. You honestly are a golden example of what making a compelling universe looks like.

[moorishflower]

see the thing about Dream is

the thing is

it's very tempting to look at Tom Sturridge and go ah yes my sad scrungly wet cat anthropomorphic personification, because he does have Those Eyes and That Hair, and then it is very tempting to look at some panels of Dream in the comics and go ah yes my depressed weird friend who lives in a void, except sometimes i feel that this is too humanizing, especially if you're talking about Dream pre-1300s

and i think in the comics in a lot of his pre-Hob Gadling interactions with mortals you can see that he is balls to the wall batshit insane

his track record with loving mortals is absolutely bonkers

>Nada, Queen of the First City, pursued Dream and then when she discovered who he was went "oh shit, humans loving the Endless is forbidden by my people, we definitely shouldn't" and Dream confronted by a mortal he couldn't have went grabby grabby hands, convinced her to fuck him anyways, and then condemned her to Hell afterwards because the sun nuked her city and Nada, grieving, said she didn't want to be Dream's Queen (on account of the sinning)

>Killala of the Glow, an alien lady precursor to the Green Lanterns who punches through to the Dreaming by accident and Dream falls in love instantly, he knows her for basically 3 months and invites her to a cosmic entities convention to show her off, does not tell her that all of these people are literal quasars and planets and shit. she freaks out understandably, seeks comfort in the arms of the sun of her world (encouraged by Desire), and Dream, seeing them embracing, just fuckin leaves her there "the sun'll get her home," he says, "they're going to the same place, i'm not crying YOU'RE crying"

>Alianora, who was sent by Desire to help Dream fuck up some old gods, was given her own private island and also one of the Dream-Stones (for show fans, the ruby is a Dream-Stone!). i sincerely believe the only reason that Dream lost interest in her is because she spent so long in the Dreaming that if she tried to wake up she would die, and Dream is absolutely fascinated by things that can change (prob because that's his tragic character flaw is he can never change himself quite enough)

he don't got a great track record with his non-mortal lovers either (Thessaly, An Witch, and Calliope, the Muse), but over and over again with mortals, brief and ephemeral and changing, Dream cannot regulate himself. he burns super hot, super bright, and then either gets sucked back into work, or the fact that he has 0 Chill puts his lover off entirely. he has no concept of compromise and he's unable to not throw himself wholeheartedly into love. having Dream love you must be like being loved by a hurricane or the core of the earth. can you imagine what that would be like? having the attention of something that huge and fathomless and ancient focused on you like a laser? it would be like being crushed under a mountain.

this is why i think Hob Gadling is such a fantastic foil to, and the Premier Ship Of, Dream. Hob Gadling also throws himself wholeheartedly and joyfully into every new thing, Hob is out there living his best life and telling stories and i think he mentions doing cocaine in like the 90s in one of the comics? but, point being, Hob doesn't ever let immortality go to his head. he is the most mortal mortal that ever mortaled, he just happens to have a concept of eternity that, no matter how infinitesimally, actually approaches what Dream is.

it's just that the dynamic you get now, with a mortal who understands the true concept of endlessness, is "Hob I have brought to you a brooch forged from the heart of a dying star, pearls harvested from oysters that have never seen the sun and never will, sapphires infused with the waters of Eden"

"oh that's gorgeous dear how thoughtful I'll put it on the shelf with the Polished Sphere of Crystallized Auroras and Hope"

and then Dream fucks off to do his job for like 8 years and Hob isn't too fussed because he spent like 6 centuries waiting for this weird wet cat of a man to fuckin introduce himself, he can wait a few years for them to meet up for dinner again

anyways i wrote all of these as a partial explanation as to why Dream is so fuckin weird and turbo in Husbands, and it's because he's a sad scrungly pathetic cat man AND he's also an enormous endless eldritch creature that has no concept of emotional regulation but also a terminal fascination with the changeability and fragility of mortals that translates into absolute fucking insane love

[trisshawkeye]

Would love to hear about Gawain and the Green Knight retelling and Sad Bi Astronauts if you are still sharing WIPs!!

Yeah! So, Gawain and the Green Knight retelling is... not exactly fanfic in the sense that I'm approaching it like I would ofic. But the gist is that, due to a friend misremembering how the story goes and thinking that Lord and Lady Bertalik were the same person rather than Lord Bertalik and the Green Knight, I then thought to myself, well, what if they all were the same person, offering to Gawain something like a challenge and a courtship?

I then wondered about the aftermath of the story, when all is revealed, what if Gawain were inclined to accept that bizarre sort of courtship visited upon him, but only if he could set a challenge—if this genderfluid fay could stand to be a regular ordinary guest at King Arthur's court and play along with the ritual there. And it ends up overlapping a bit with the Dame Ragnelle and Pulzella Gaia stories, only there's more gender and queer desire involved. As well as old and new religion, the romantic ideal of Camelot versus the reality, what it means to be insiders and outsiders to a space, and growing beyond your own bounds while still staying true to the core of your identity.

Anyway, this WIP is still mostly outline, though a lot of that outline is quite detailed, but I haven't figured out the details of how it's going to end yet. If I set it down, though, it's probably something I'll see if I can float towards professional publishing rather than AO3. We'll see!

--

Next up, Sad Bi Astronauts is where I'm keeping my Space Brothers rarepairs, which is a hilarious situation to be in when the fandom itself is so tiny and there are hardly any fics at all, let alone depressing queer minor character ones.

There's two WIPs in there right now. One is for Jason Butler/Ronald Cooper, two very closeted astronaut candidates, one the backup for the other and who later drops out of the program due to trauma from a plane crash, wrecking their relationship beyond repair. Seriously—while Jason is a fairly regular minor character, Ronald only shows up in like one episode when we learn more about his backstory. This fic does not end happily for them.

The other is Pico Norton/Vincent Bold, which is the more obvious old-man-yaoi ship in the show. Their whole deal is that they were part of a childhood trio who wanted to go into the space industry, but they lost their friend Rick young to a car accident. They both go on to become a space engineer and astronaut and gain large amounts of baggage over that time. The fic is about them hooking up over the years but always feeling kinda bad about it because there's one of them missing. Sad!

These will get finished eventually, but only because I know there's at least one person in the world interested in reading them, which is my housemate.

[maudiemoods]

Questions sddsdd for stardust :D

How old do they usually live to be? Do they even really measure time since space is wacky?

What do they do for fun?

Are there any animals on the planet? Ooh also what does the planet look like/how does it work?

Do sun and moon have more things to wear than just black?

So it seems like they know to avoid the earth, but why? And how did they find out in the first place?

What happens if one eats a lot of them? Like more than eclipse a lot.

....What would happen to a human if for whatever reason they did that?

What are sun and moon trying to do?

I think I found the ask!! Yay!!

1! How old do they usually live to be? I haven't put much thought into it really! I think on their home planet, they'd live to around 100-150ish? They do age I just haven't shown that in any ocs but I have this elder lady I've been thinking about and she's pretty old! I'll have to actually draw her sjndjw

2! What do they do for fun? They create! Their species is very big on arts and crafts!! But that also includes creating and improving tech, making music, designing and a lot more!! They tend to really enjoy puzzles and challenges! They also like to explore and document!

3! Are there any animals on their planet? Yes! I really need to work on what their homeworld is like! I have a basic idea for it but now I'm not sure how I like it! They definitely have pets and livestock though! Most are primarily vegetarian so there isn't much livestock though! They do harvest bugs though!! They really like eating bugs!

4! What does the planet look like? Hmm not sure! Originally their world was covered in mountains and they lived in giant cave systems! They have domes breaching the surface but they typically stay underground! Their planet is huge in intergalactic trade so there'd be big cities with giant landing docks for ships! But I'm kinda more into a solar punk vibe? Super high tech and cool machines but still super naturey and cozy! I'd like to think they have a flourishing ecosystem on their planet!

5! Do sun and moon have more things to wear other than black? Yeah! They have tons of casual wear! Moon has a lot of flashy fashion stuff while sun is a little bit more minimalistic with the exception of a few outfits! They just wear their plain clothes all the time because they're kinda sad and depressed and don't have the energy to put work into dressing y'know? But that changes eventually!

6! Why do they avoid earth? Mostly because there's nothing around earth! There's really no reason to be close other than to observe! Also, earth is monitored so no aliens intervene with earth's development. It's poorly monitored though! Observation devices are pretty outdated and the monitors are hardly ever watched!

7! How did they find the place? They were kinda just drifting aimlessly and found themselves in the area! Their ship can turn plant matter into fuel so they had planned on just taking some dead leaves and getting out of there fast. Ha didn't happen like that

8! What happens if one eats a lot of cores? They blow up!! Kinda! It varies between beings but they get more and more mentally unstable and their body starts to get deformed! Some experience voices that drive them crazy, while some experience many phantom limbs! If they consume too much, the energy of the core becomes too much for them and they implode before exploding! The energy of this death can create wrapped areas of space! And places with high energy that can damage tech and equipment! Overall, it'll usually kill them!

9! What would happen to a human that ate a core? They'd die! Pretty painfully too! Those of warmer colors have very hot cores, so the human would burn and boil from the inside out! Those with cooler colors have freezing cores! So a human would freeze from the inside out! Neutral colored beings have a core temp in-between! Their core would cause a human to have such a terrible heart attack, they would die! They'd get all jittery and basically have a huge panic attack before dropping dead!

10! What are sun and moon trying to do? Hmmmmm I have some ideas but I want to explore them a little before I talk about them :D!!! But mostly, they want normality and comfortability! They want to heal and be happy again!

[packedandstrapped]

can u give me ideas on how to come out? i’m 22 and known i was a lesbian since i was around 14-15 and have been too scared to come out because of my parents. i value what my parents say and ik they aren’t going to accept me so when i come out to them, they’re gonna say they disown me and kick me out or some other shit, but it’s gonna make me spiral into a depression (haha). but i can’t keep living a lie man living like this is hard especially when my parents keep trying to set me up with men. when i was in highschool, i tried so hard to give them hints i didn’t like men, i never dated them, never talked about them, hell even begged my mom to wear a suit to prom, but she told me it was “un lady like” and made me wear a dress. i just love my family so much and i don’t want them to hate me but living this lie has made me hate myself. no matter what i do it’s a lose lose situation. this has caused me so many problems. i literally use to have an eating disorder because of how much anxiety of my parents finding out i was gay would give me. i’ve tried to convince my self to like men and i just can’t. i feel like something is so so wrong with me and i can’t. it makes me not wanna live anymore i wouldn’t wish this on anyone. i know this is lowkey cringy to be telling someone all this, but i just really really need advice on this because i just can’t keep living everyday a lie.

Hey friend- please feel free to DM off anon if you want to talk. I will chat with you about this stuff literally any time.

There's nothing wrong with who you are. Your message feels like something I could have written at 19-20 years old. When you said you value what your parents say, I felt that in my core. I want to be able tell you that everyone comes around and they'll totally understand and accept you. But sometimes it's not that way. And the people that claim to love us the most can only give that love when we fit into the box they've created for us. This might sound hokey, but reading The Four Agreements really helped me identify the space between my parents ideas and my own. I will send you a copy if you're interested in reading.

It's no wonder that you're experiencing so much anxiety and worry about coming out. For a lot of us, coming out as gay to our parents is the first time we truly see them disappointed in us. There's a crushing weight to our parents thinking we're actively trying to hurt them by living our lives authentically. I hope that's not the case for you.

If I could do it all over again, I would journal about it for a few days. I'd practice the important phrases I want to get out. I would focus on the simple message I wanted to send rather than trying to navigate their feelings. I would try to think about the various reactions I might get and have one or two general ideas of how I could respond neutrally. And despite all of this, I'm sad to say even though I would have felt more in control, I'd still be just as wounded coming out of it. I understand the fear you have in disappointing your parents because it's been a reality for me for almost twenty years. They've never let up on reminding me that while they're proud of my accomplishments, it's despite my otherness rather than a celebration of what a queer person can do. They refuse to use the word "wedding" or "wife" and they give us a room with two twin beds when we go to visit. The microaggressions never cease. What's changed now is how much of myself I let them see. Now it's about what makes me comfortable instead of existing around them in a box that never fit right. It's still hard- I regularly grieve the relationship I wish I had with my parents. But as I've aged, I've realized that my friends are my family. They are they ones that have been there and show up for me unconditionally. They're the ones I have turned to when I needed a place to stay, a job, or a listening ear. They get it.

I don't know how you feel most comfortable communicating with your parents, but think about what it would look like to say the words out loud or in a text. Try not to feel bad about telling them this information. You are being truthful and honest and that's what is important. You are giving them the gift of seeing you for who you really are; to celebrate you in the way you want to be seen in this world. Don't worry about doing it the wrong way because sometimes there just isn't a defined right way. I know it's scary but the sooner you get it off your chest, the sooner you can fall into the comfort of your real self.

Come back or DM me if you need anything, friend. We need you here.

[classiqals]

{zhang zhehan, 29, cis male, he/him} we are so glad to see you safe, NAVY COMMANDER ZHANG TIAN FENG of CHINA! it’s dangerous out in the world these days, but i hear that you are DETIRMINED and LOYAL enough to handle it. just don’t let your BLIND FAITH bring you down! stay on your guard, because with your secret being at risk for exposure, you wouldn’t want everyone to find out YOUR FATHER WAS THE FORMER EMPEROR OF CHINA AND YOU ARE THE PRODUCT OF A SECRET AFFAIR.

BASICS;

nicknames: n/a (or captain if you are close/worked together)

sexuality: pansexual, very sex positive attitude

relationship: heartbroken & single ready to mingle

date of birth:  september 13th

zodiac sign:  virgo

moral alignment: neutral good

hobbies: chinese martial arts, knife throwing, weaponry in general, training, sex, poetry (reading it not writing it), braiding and weaving his in styles, lush acts of self care, winning, excelling at anything.

dislikes: lies, both telling and receiving them, disappointing others, respecting authority (though he does it well), coming in 2nd place, he’d rather just be 3rd or 4th than almost 1st, slow carriages, archery.

languages spoken: chinese, japanese, korean, and thai fluently. english, spanish slightly. conversational in a few other dialects/languages specific to asia

politics/loyalty: has always been loyal (to a fault) to china, but has been having doubts lately; mostly loyal to himself and only sworn to china by duty.

DETAILS;

TW: PTSD, depression

they say that blood is thicker than water - for tian feng, this rang true. born to honorable parents, leaders in the chinese court with a decorated war hero as a father and a well-respected socialite among the high nobility, tian feng was primed just as his elder brother was for the stage of the great.

there was never any question about who, or rather what, tian feng would be; he && his brother were to be enlisted when they were old enough, to make their ancestors proud, and to serve china as every zhang before them had done. xiaobo, his elder brother of three years, was a wildfire, creating flame anywhere he went. tian feng learned early on how to find peace; and it came from obedience. raise to the occasion, do as is expected, and know how to mind one’s tongue, and follow authority.

he was a shining image of this - but even tian feng thought eventually, xiaobo would get on board with the performance, too. unfortunately, he did not. instead of enlisting in the naval army as expected when he turned 18, xiaobo left. taking his share of the family fortune and taking off, tian feng was then left alone to deal with the devastation and wrath that followed from his parents following. his mother wept when the decision was made to disown xiaobo, who was registered then as a criminal. tian feng didn’t even know where he went after he left - he didn’t care to know.

after that, his father was never the same. later, tian feng would recognize that it was mourning gone wrong, but suddenly, every bit of expectation and pressure was directed onto tian feng. he was enlisted by the end of the year, lying about his age on registration forms. at only sixteen, tian feng began his military career in the navy... and when he left home for the first time, his mother told him a secret that would shake him to his core. he was not his father's child, but the product of a secret affair with the emperor of china himself. tian feng could tell no one, especially not the father who raised him, and definitely not the emperor himself. it was unsafe. instead, tian feng poured himself in his duty in the service; he wanted to make both "fathers" proud.

it was a fairly quick climb up - fighting his way through the ranks, doing all he could to stand out, winning recognition && attention, and becoming favored throughout many of the ranks; tian feng had done good for himself. falling in love with a japanese lady of court was almost enough to throw everything he'd worked for to the wayside, however - and after the reckoning, tian feng carried his blind ambition for china forward until he lost nearly everything. betraying his lover by supporting the invasion on china, and then running to lick his wounds... tian feng no longer recognizes the man in the mirror, nor does he recognize china.

tian feng suffered much as a result of the invasion into china; he lost friends, he lost his girl, he lost his faith, his hope, himself. part of him was left on the battlefield, broken and battered, and he doesn't know if "normal" will ever be possible again. in today society, he would be diganosed with ptsd && depression, but currently, tian feng isn't sure what is happening. he has spent the last 2-3 months isolated on the mountains, dedicated to his training, and feels uncomfortable with himself most days.

[secretswiftymarvelfan]

The Demigod From Asgard - Steve Rogers x Reader (Part 82)

A/N: We’re officially in the Endgame now! So for all of those that have missed our reader, she’ll be popping up very soon!

Summary: A surprise visitor, long thought gone, turns up at the compound giving Steve the chance he never thought he’d get

Word Count: 3.7k

Warnings: Angst! Language! Talk of Grief and moving on!

Dividers by @firefly-graphics​

Series Masterlist / Masterlist

Chapter 82: A Chance

5 years since the snap

Steve’s mood was a direct reflection of the weather a dark and gloomy day, thick fog covering everything, even JJ’s excited mood for the first day of first grade could pull Steve out of his slump. 5 years on since Steve started seeing his therapist about depression and grief, he still had days when it felt impossible to get out of bed.

He’d hoped that after taking JJ to school and going out for a run with Scout would help improve his mood, but it didn’t. so much so that he even considered cancelling today’s support group. Struggling to see how he could be any help to others when he could barely help himself.

Nevertheless, the sense of duty drove him to attend. The small room in the community centre seeming more dark and gloomy than before. The group was smaller than usual, people seemingly having the same sort of day as him. The core members of the group were still there, including the man, Joe, who inspired Steve to start the whole thing up.

“so.. I, uh, went on a date the other day,” Joe told the group as part of the catch-up portion of the session, each member telling the group what changes, big or small happened, Steve telling the group how JJ started first grade.

“it’s the first time in five years, you know? I’m sitting there at dinner… i- i- didn’t even know what to talk about” Joe sighed and looked over at Steve.

Steve nods sympathetically, knowing the weight everyone carried around on their shoulders, the extra baggage caused by the snap “what did you talk about?” Steve prompted.

“eh, same old crap, you know how things have changed, my job, his job, how much we miss the Mets… and then things got quiet… then he cried as they were serving the salads” Joe sighed shaking his head.

“what about you?” another member asked.

“I cried just before dessert” Joe answers with a sigh “but I’m seeing him again tomorrow so…”

“that’s great” steve nods “you did the hardest part you took the jump, you didn’t know where you were gonna come down, and that’s it, it's those little brave baby steps we gotta take to try and become whole again, try and find purpose” steve sighs his mind going instantly to JJ.

“I went into the ice in ’45, right after I met my first love… woke up 70 years later, life turned upside down, didn’t think I’d be lucky again and then I met the woman that became my wife, and while she’s not around anymore it’s a reminder that you gotta move on” Steve sighs

“you gotta move on” he repeats mostly for the benefit of himself, reminding himself that it would be what you wanted, no matter how hard it was “the world is in our hands, it's left to us guys as we gotta do something with it otherwise… Thanos should have killed all of us”

Silence falls in the room as everyone takes in what he said, a few people nodding, some wiping away stray tears.

“do you think you’ll find someone again?” one of the ladies asks.

Steve sighs deeply, crossing his arms over his chest as he thought “honestly, I don’t know, maybe… life gave me a second chance with Y/N, it was rough at times and we didn’t get to do everything we planned to, but we made it work, we had our son…” steve sighs before shaking his head “it still seems so fresh, friends have tried to push me into it but it just doesn’t feel right, I feel like I’m cheating on her still” Steve has to bite his lips slightly to stop himself from crying “but that doesn’t it mean it won’t, I know Y/N would want me to be happy and move on and maybe in a few years JJ will have a mom again, but right now I’m just not ready”

A few people nodded and voiced their understanding and agreement, and to Steve’s relief, the topic of conversation moved on. For the rest of the session, Steve tried to stay present but after talking about moving on from you he struggled. He’d had the same conversation over and over again with his therapist but he just couldn’t bring himself to move on. There was something holding him back and he didn’t know what.

Once the session was over Steve packed up all the chairs and made his way outside, taking a deep breath to try and centre himself. When he opened his eyes he spotted a flower stall across the street, spotting a bouquet of your favourite flowers. Without thinking he walked across the street and purchased the flowers before grabbing his phone and dialling Roberta.

“hey Steve is everything okay?” she says once she answered.

“yeah, um do you mind picking JJ up from school today, I know it's bad and I should go considering it's his first day but…” Steve sighed shaking his head as he looked down at the flowers in his hands.

“The session today was tough and you need some time” Roberta finishes for him.

“yeah,” Steve breathes out, his voice shaking.

“of course, it's not a problem, and just call me if you need anything, I’ll cook some dinner for the both of you and get Scout from the house too,” Roberta tells him.

“thank you Roberta that really means a lot, I’ll try and not stay too long, I just need to go see her” Steve promises.

“take as much time as you need sweetheart” Roberta reassures him.

“thank you, I’ll see you later” Steve sighs before hanging up.

As Steve made his way out of the city the sun was beginning to set, the sun finally breaking through the clouds casting an orange glow over everything. As he reached the bridge over the Hudson he hit standstill traffic, looking up ahead he could see a large group of people out of their cars looking out at the river. He looked out to see where they were pointing, spotting a pod of whales swimming past.

Steve muttered in amazement under his breath, even back in the forties the chance of seeing any life in the Hudson river seemed impossible. Yet here they were. Steve sighed wishing JJ was here to see it, knowing how much the boy loved animals. But a part of him hated that scenes like this were now possible, he hated that what Thanos did actually had some good. He’d rather have you, than see whales in the Hudson, no matter how selfish that seemed.

Steve revved his bike and carefully slinked through the traffic towards the compound. The sun had nearly set when he arrived, when he parked up he grabbed the flowers and walked over to the memorial. He took a deep and shaky breath as he placed down the flowers, his eyes instantly finding your name, fingers running over the inscription.

“JJ started first grade today,” Steve said his voice barely above a whisper “he was so excited, I don’t think I've seen a kid so excited for school, I just hope he feels the same when I see him later” he sighs looking up at the sky, silently cursing the clouds that blocked his view of the stars “I miss you so much” he whispered.

Steve stayed there for a few moments before collecting himself and making his way inside to go say hi to Nat before heading back home. As he walked in he found her sitting at a table in the conference room, Steve lingering by the side as she asked Rhodey to continue to look for Clint. Rhodey caught sight of Steve as he signs off, giving him a quick nod before the hologram disappeared. Once he was gone Nat slumped back in her chair clearly unaware of Steve’s presence as she puts her head in her hands and struggles to hold back the tears.

“you know I’d offer to cook you dinner… but you seem pretty miserable already,” Steve says grabbing her attention, trying to lighten the situation.

It works slightly as Nat gives him a weak smile before looking over at him “I do wonder how you feed your son” she comments.

“microwave meals and a friendly neighbour” Steve jokes despite it being far from the truth, now you weren’t around Steve had to step up and slowly over the years learnt to cook with the help of Roberta, while his cooking wasn’t as good as yours, it was pretty decent.

“Are you here to do your laundry?” Nat says, referring to Steve’s usual excuse to visit unannounced.

“and to see a friend” Steve nods.

“Clearly your friend is fine” Nat sighs, clasping her hands together as she looks over at him.

Steve sighs glancing down at his keys “you know I saw a pod of whales when I was coming over the bridge”

“in the Hudson?” Nat asks surprised.

“there’s fewer ships… cleaner water” Steve sighs.

“you know if you’re about to tell me to look on the bright side, um… I’m about to hit you in the head with a peanut butter sandwich” she states with a tight smile.

“hmm” Steve hums with a small sigh “sorry force of habit” he apologises as he moves to sit opposite her.

As he sits down she pushes her plate closer to him, offering him half of her sandwich. He thinks about taking it for a second but before he gets the chance he sees a hand reach out and grab it. He looks up to see you standing there smirking as you took a bite of the sandwich, winking at him. Steve lets out a shaky breath as he watches you, trying to keep his eyes open but as soon as he blinks you disappear and the sandwich is left on the plate untouched.

“you still see her don’t you” Nat sighs grabbing Steve’s attention.

Steve sighs nodding his head sadly “only here, and its less often now but even though it kills me to see her… I don’t want it to stop” he admits before scoffing slightly under his breath “you know I keep telling everybody they should move on and grow, some do… but not us”

“if I move on, who does this?” Nat says shaking her head as she looks around the room.

“Maybe it doesn’t need to be done” Steve presses gently, hoping that this time she would finally stop.

But Nat shakes her head, tears collecting in her eyes “I used to have nothing, and then I got this. This job… this family… and I was better because of it… and even though they’re gone… I’m still trying to be better” she admits.

Steve sighs knowing that no matter what he said she wouldn’t change her mind “I think we both need to get a life”

Nat lets out a small huff of a laugh “you first” she says, Steve giving her a small smile.

Their conversation was interrupted by an alert appearing in front of Nat, she quickly swipes it aside “oh hi, hi!” Steve hears behind him, Steve glancing over his shoulder to look at the screen “uh is anyone home” as he does so he sees the CCTV footage of Scott outside the gate of the compound waving at the camera “This is un Scott lang! we met a few years ago at the airport in Germany”

Steve frowns in confusion as he stands up to get a proper look at the screen, not believing what he was actually seeing. As far as he knew Scott was one of the ones who didn’t survive the snap “is this an old message?” Steve asks.

“It’s the front gate” Nat answers her voice wobbling.

Steve’s mind exploded with possibilities as Nat jumped into action opening the gate for Scott, telling him to drive up. How was Scott here? What if the snap was only temporary? If Scott was back did that mean everyone else would come back too? Steve had too many questions he needed answering.

“what the hell has happened?” Scott said as he walked into the compound.

“we’re kinda hoping you could tell us the same thing,” Nat says with a brow arched.

“right because the last thing I knew it was 2018, not 2023!” Scott fires back making Steve’s eyebrows raise in surprise, Scott covers his mouth in shock at his own outburst “sorry, I’m sorry I’m just really freaking out and I need someone to explain what’s going on”

Steve holds out his hand to calm Scott down “okay, okay, what do you know already?” Steve asks him.

“um um I don’t know- i- I Cassie said there was this guy called Thanos and he wiped out like half the universe or something but it's been five years and my little girl isn’t a little girl anymore!” Scott says beginning to freak out more, pacing back and forth.

“I mean that’s the general gist of it” Nat admits “but we thought you were gone too, so how are you here?” she asks.

Scott doesn’t answer and continues to pace back and forth in front of Steve and Nat, the two of them sharing a concerned look as they watched him. Scott muttered to himself as he tried to comprehend everything, Steve knew he needed to give him some time but he was dying to have some answers. He needed to know if you were out there somewhere.

“Scott, are you okay?” Steve asked finally getting Scott to stop pacing.

“yeah” Scott nods, his voice still trembling as he ran his hands down his face “have either of you guys studied quantum physics?” he asks suddenly.

“only to make conversation” Nat admits, Steve looking over at her in surprise.

Scott points over to her “all right so, five years ago, right before… Thanos… I was in a place called the quantum realm, the quantum realm is like its own microscopic universe, to get in there you have to be incredibly small” Scott explains “Hope, she’s my- um- she was my- she was supposed to pull me out and then Thanos happened and I got stuck in there”

Steve sighs deeply dropping his head, the hopes he had that the snap was temporary and you were out there somewhere right now completely dashed. Scott was one of the ones who survived, he never disappeared in the first place.

“I’m sorry that must have been a very long five years,” Nat says sympathetically.

“yeah but that’s just it, it wasn’t,” Scott said shaking his head “for me it was 5 hours, see the rules of the quantum realm aren’t like they are up here, everything is unpredictable, is that anybody’s sandwich? I’m starving” Scott asks pointing over to Nat’s sandwich.

“Scott” Steve says as he walks past him to grab the sandwich “what are you talking about?” he asks completely lost on what Scott was saying.

“so” Scott starts, his voice muffled by the mouthful of sandwich “what I’m saying is, time works differently in the quantum realm, the only problem is right now, we don’t have a way to navigate it” Scott explains beginning to pace again “but what if we did? I can’t stop thinking about it, what if we could somehow control the chaos and we could navigate it? what if there was a way that we could enter the quantum realm at a certain point in time but then exit the quantum realm at another point in time, like… like before Thanos” he finishes.

“Wait,” Steve said holding up his hand as he tried to comprehend what Scott was suggesting “are you talking about a time machine,” Steve asks struggling to believe it.

“no, no of course not, no not a time machine,” Scott says shaking his head “this is more like a…” Scott says gesturing with his hand as he tries to think of something else “yeah like a time machine, I know its crazy, its crazy, but I- I- can’t stop thinking about it, there’s gotta be… some way… it's crazy” Scott sighs in defeat looking down at the floor.

“Scott, I get emails from a raccoon so nothing sounds crazy anymore” Natasha states in an attempt to comfort him.

“so who do we talk to about this?” Scott asks.

“Stark seems like the best bet,” Steve says with a sigh glancing over at Nat.

“do you think he’ll be up for it?” Nat asks unconvinced.

“maybe but it's worth a shot, I’m supposed the be going over this weekend with JJ, we can ask him then,” Steve says shrugging his shoulders.

“sounds like a plan, wait who’s JJ?” Scott asks confused.

“my son, he uh- he was born a year before the snap” Steve explains clearing his throat.

“oh nice, congratulations, how is Y/N?” Scott asks with a small smile.

Steve’s voice catches in his throat, swallowing the lump of emotion as he looked down at the floor. Thankfully Scott seemed to pick up on what was wrong meaning Steve didn’t need to say the words he hated.

“oh… oh I’m so sorry Steve” Scott mutters shaking his head sadly.

“it's okay,” Steve says his voice cracking as he cleared his throat “it's uh late, I should get home, I’ll swing by here and pick you guys up on Saturday,” he says grabbing his keys and jacket and quickly making his way out.

“Steve” Nat called out making him pause at the door “we’ll work it out”

Steve just nods before turning and making his way out the door.

When he got home, he quietly opened the front door aware that JJ was most likely fast asleep upstairs given the late hour. As he stepped inside Scout quickly trotted over, his tail wagging as he greeted Steve, nuzzling his snout into Steve’s hand as if he could sense Steve’s distress.

“hey, you okay? You look like you’ve seen a ghost” Roberta says grabbing Steve’s attention.

Steve blinked a couple of times looking over to see her sitting on the couch book in hand. Steve nods slightly before kicking off his shoes and handing up his coat before walking in.

“is JJ asleep?” he asks as he sits down on the couch.

“yeah he wanted to stay up but I managed to convince him saying you’d pop in when you got in” Roberta explains as she puts down her book “is everything okay?”

“yeah… no… I don’t know” Steve sighs dropping his head into his hands and rubbing his face tiredly.

“What happened?” Roberta asks sitting forward and putting a hand on Steve’s shoulder.

Steve took a deep breath as he leaned back and slumped against the couch “while I was at the compound, someone we thought had been snapped away turned up” Steve explained, Roberta’s eyes widening in surprise.

“it turns out he was in this place called the quantum realm for the past 5 years, but to him it only felt like 5 hours” Steve continues shaking his head as he still tried to understand it all.

“so it's like he travelled through time?” Roberta asks confused.

“yeah, and he thinks maybe we could use this realm to get everyone back,” Steve says looking over at her.

“shit…” Roberta mutters, slumping back in disbelief.

“my sentiments exactly, it's this wild idea but what if we can? What if we can get everyone back, bring Y/N back” Steve admits quietly as he looks up at the ceiling.

“Are you gonna try? If it works and you can do it?” Roberta asks him.

“I have to, for JJ” Steve sighs shaking his head “for everyone who lost someone”

“then do it, do whatever it is you need to do, and if it doesn’t work at least you know you tried,” Roberta says reaching out to put her hand on top of his “and whatever you need, I’ll be here”

“thank you Roberta, I just really hope this works” Steve sighs biting his lip to stop himself from crying.

“if I know anything about you Steve, it's that you never give up,” Roberts says making him let out a small huff of a laugh “now go on upstairs, say goodnight to JJ and get some rest, you have a lot ahead of you”

“Thank you Roberta, I don’t know what I would have done without you” Steve smiles as he stands up from the couch.

“probably burnt this place down a week after moving in” Roberta snorts making Steve chuckle.

“yeah probably, you get some rest too, thank you for helping out tonight” Steve smiles.

“It's nothing, I’ll see you tomorrow” Roberta smiles standing up and heading out.

Quickly and quietly running up the stairs Steve crept into JJ’s room, his jungle nightlight projecting the shapes of different animals around the room. Steve could see JJ was fast asleep and while he Roberta promised Steve was come in to say goodnight, Steve was reluctant to disturb him.

“Daddy?” JJ murmured in his sleep rubbing his eyes tiredly.

“hey bean, sorry I didn’t mean to wake you” Steve smiles as he walks in perching on the side of JJ’s bed, hand running over his hair “did you have a good day at school?” he asks.

“yeah it was really fun, Miss Levinson is really nice and pretty,” JJ says making Steve chuckle.

“That’s good I'm glad you enjoyed it” Steve smiles leaning down to kiss the top of his head.

“where did you go?” JJ then asks him.

Steve sighs as he tries to work out what to tell him “I needed to help a friend who’s been lost for a while now” Steve tells him.

“lost?” JJ asks confused.

“yeah he didn’t know where he was and needed some help” Steve explained.

“Is he okay now?” JJ asks concerned.

“yeah, he will be, now you get some sleep you’ve got another couple of days of school ahead of you,” Steve says tucking JJ back in.

“and then we’ll see Morgan?” JJ asks hopefully.

“yes we’ll see Morgan” Steve confirms with a chuckle “now go to sleep and I’ll see you in the morning”

“Okay, night night daddy,” JJ says making himself comfortable.

“night night bean” Steve smiles kissing the top of his head.

Sharing is caring so please reblog if you enjoyed this and maybe even leave a comment to make my day!

Series Masterlist / Masterlist

I don’t have a tag list so follow @secretswiftymarvelfanlibrary​ and turn on post notifications for updates!

[thessalian]

Thess vs the Tenakth

Yeah, so, finally go to No Man's Land, and this has been a tiiiiiiiime...

Right. I should go deal with that bunch of former Shadow Carja. Because they're not in a great place and Oseram asshole guy just wants to make their lives even harder.

Sir, I would be more forceful about making you go down the mountain but you are in no shape to go down the mountain. Just ... stay there while I harvest things.

...Well. Fuck. Fine, maybe the nice lady will be a smarter leader than you. And I have satellite dish thing.

Hey, sir? Oseram Asshole, sir? You reaaaaaally don't want to fuck with me. Now go away. Yeah, there you go. And you, ma'am? Go take this ludicrous amount of money and go make a life where you're not one breath away from dying of exposure, starvation, and ... well, frankly depression. Shoo.

Right. On we go to... Oh, hey, hunting stuff! You want me to rip the power cores off Scroungers? Cool. Done. Now what? ...Oh. You want me to herd a bunch of these things together so I can shock them to death. How about "no"? Does "no" work for you? Blegh. I am a hunter, not a herder, kthxbai.

Right. Barren Light. ...Oh, wait, green exclamation point. ...Carja Dude, you are an asshole. If we were going to rebuild the world after the machine plague, could we at least have found a cure for 'asshole'? No? Fine, I'll do your fucking job.

Ah. Machines. Bye, machines.

Oh, hey, hi! You want these things I've been pulling off satellite dishes? Please, take them. I am tired of lugging the damn things around. And you want that one up there. Cool. I needed more practice at grapple hooking anyway.

And now, Barren Light. Oh. Hi, sir. What do you need? ...The gates open. Right. ME TOO. LET ME GET RIGHT ON THAT. Just lemme make sure I'm adequately supplied, and... You think Eclipse are still around, Prisoner Kid? Well, lemme deal with the gate thing and-- Oh. Hi Erend. How're you doing? ...Drunk, injured, and with your fee-fees hurt as much as your ribs. Great. Okay. No, seriously, I'd have you with me if I could but while I do care about your fee-fees, I also care about your ribs, so please just stay there and self-medicate. You want to come with me? Come with me uninjured and sober.

...Okay, how the fuck did you override a Charger without a doohickey, Varl? Did I leave an overriden one lying around for you to find? What? (Also how many raccoons did you run over on the way here? I would like to feel less alone about having done that.)

Look, will you OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR BEFORE MY STUPID FRIEND FOLLOWS ME INTO-- Thank you, Erend. Also ... well, fuck.

"Marshals - an ancient name for protectors"-- Yeah, okay, dunno if military or municipal, but I take it that none of the Old World relics had any ACAB graffiti. "But now judge, jury, and executioner"-- Municipal, then. I'd say ACAB but you seem pretty decent. Wait... is this why so much of the Carja military is made of asshole - because their common sense basically joined up with the Tenakth? Well, good to have you back, sir.

Okay, so I have right of passage and yet you want me to be at your Embassy anyway? Do I look like a diplomat to you? And please, please keep joining the rest of the planet in rubbing my need for allies in my face. It's been ... what, a whole five minutes?

Okay, Vuadis, you can do your job now-- Waitwut.

WUT.

Oh, fuck a bunch of this.

SYLENS, YOU ULTIMATE EXPRESSION OF DOUCHE-CANOE! (I will be madder at you if I am not allowed to ride the big metal dilophosaurus. I don't normally bother with riding the machines but I will make an exception for big metal dilophosaurus.)

...Okay, did we have to have quite that level of gore?

Oh, hey, I beat your stupid shield to death! Really not liking them forcing me into melee combat, mind you. Even if I am better at it than I thought I was going to be.

So ... that ... was not an Embassy; that was a slaughter. Not that I'm not used to those, given how the machines attacked the Nora. And of course we can't have the Carja come to the Tenakth and go, "Look, we see you have an enemy and they murdered the family of the Sun-King, so let's join forces and obliterate these assholes". Because Politics. So instead there's me. Yay.

"Time for some salvage boys", my entire ass; I KILLED THE FUCKING THINGS. YOU CAN HAVE WHAT I LEAVE.

I ... beat your stupid shield to death and now it is a glider. Awesome.

Okay, that all happened, and now I have access to the Forbidden West! ...Shame I have to go back and investigate that dude's claims of an Eclipse resurgence, but eh, at least I have a campfire past the gate now.

But for the time being, I need a screen break. Well, also to check IMDB. Chris McKenna, you are awesome; how the fuck have you done relatively little bar B-movies and soap opera spots? Angela Bassett - always a pleasure. Okay, who voiced Vuadis? Keythe Farley. I know that name-- Oh. OH. Dude, Keythe Farley has range. That whimpering little piece of self-importance is THANE FUCKING KRIOS. I knew there was something bugging me about that voice.

Right. Break, painkillers, and then a little more of this. I keep forgetting how much the Horizon games are basically entirely my jam. If I need Zen, I can Zen-hunt. If I need problem-solving, I can do climbing things. But if someone doesn't give me a way to ignite Firegleam so I can go further exploring soon, I am going to throttle somebody.

[craw-dacious]

Thats the art of getting by, by sarewolf

Again, new to marauders. This fic 3 that I’ve read. Feel free to shoot me recs, currently looking for ~100,000 word fic with a good angst balance and no major character death.

Summary: Overall this story was INCREDIBLE. I loved the writing style, such a good amount of angst, and an easy to follow narrative. It raised Harry like exactly how I wanted and was so cutey and sweetly and UGH

SPOILERS BELOW BEWARE

Chapter one

I already like the opening quote. Can tell the writing is going to be good.

God the angst is already great

He’s only 24 wild

I kind of forgot just how much he lost that night, like all of his closest friends were dead. Even in canon, with no world star this probably sucks the worst for Lupin.

Okay I’m actually crying already

I’ve been wanting a babyfic since the first one I read

This is such a hard thing to do, parenting is hard without the trauma and sob storying

Chapter two

I wonder how they are going to reincorporate Sirius

And I’m concerned about Harry’s quietness, I feel like that’s not consistent with who he grows up to be

Hoping for some baby Ron and harry content eventually 

I never give Kudos until the end of the fic, this is incredible and I absolutely adore it already

Literally crying from how sad Remus is Jesus

Chapter three

YES love old lady gossip

Neris is so cute delicious

Plus Harry is opening up a lot, so far very happy chapter!

So gay bruh

HARRY BEING SAD TOO IS KILLING ME JUST A BABY FR

This is actually fucking INFURIATING him being like “Sirius never loved us” like BRO I know you’re being LIED TO but I CANNOT HANDLE IT TOO SAD

Chapter four

Now I need to be a depressed widow with a three year old son who loves me

Like I think just having a child would patch my soul

This is actually the cutest thing ever love love love

I think me and remus lupin are the same person

Like gay traumatized werewolf = teenaged girl

“Oh the memories, oh the love” SO ME

YES RON AND HARRY BEST FRIENDS IM GONNA SOB

Damn he’s in love with Sirius fr fr

Can tell this is a shift, so gonna do a small recap

Wonderful characterization

Remus kind of being forced to push forward is great narratively, a little concerned about how it will work with pacing

They write Harry very well, not annoying as children can often be in fic

Chapter five

This is what I wanted, you see James and Lily in harry and remus is just thoughtful and reflective enough to show the audience the importance of this its just MWAH

Oh my god

Baby trauma. He’s so cute and being such a little bitch

Literally so sad, like remus is such a better parent than the Dursleys could ever be but him knowing what harry had makes it sad

If I have to read “angry fucks” again im gonna lose it, say sex please, at least sometimes

YES HE’S FREEEE

Chapter six

God this sucks, like I know they aren’t truly in danger but the emotional turmoil goes crazy

3 chapters till we get Sirius saying it now

Cannot understate how much remus’s pining and distraught connects to me

Like I can tell they were in love but SO TOXIC which, again, is teenage girl core

Not to diminish the relationship, I think the way teenage girls evaluate breakups and romance is like peak human condition and is incredibly poignant amidst the issues of war and death and loss.

YES FUCK YES HELL YEAH INNOCENT INNOCENT INNOCENTTTTTT FUCK PETER HATE THAT SON OF A BITCH

Chapter seven

UGH I know I said fuck Peter but this still sucks ass

When do I get to see Sirius. Ik I said 3 chapters but I didn’t mean it

Damn Petes evil as fuck

The justice in him being DECLARED innocent is so beautiful. I wish that could’ve happened in the books, he died being known as a shitty, terrible human being

Chapter eight

Ok skip this shit and jump to the gay sex I do not want a flashback rn I need TEARS

Jk obviously its important and builds suspense, well written two with good symbolism

Fuck fuck fuck fuck just kiss please I need them to kiss please

Like I actually cannot watch them be fucking roommates ill vomit

Sobbing sobbing sobbing “I hope not” Jesus fucking christ let me suck the authors dick I love this sm

Chapter nine

Just taking in the idea that both Sirius and Harry see each other as a replacement for James in the books, that is such a beautiful like concept with such horrible influences on how they treat each other and I really want to see how its reconciled here, if its relevant at all

Harry with his two dads that barely speak to each other

I do need reconciliation but making sure the weight of tragedy is like there also seems important

But also, please, just fuck already

Chapter ten

Ok remus time to put your big boy pants on and apologize

Like actually nothing will fix itself until you say sorry man

“He’s pack” BRUH harry

Pls having to tell everyone you’re living with this famous not-criminal is so funny I actually am losing it

Pls just be nice to each other for once bruh

Yay!! Nice!!

They’re so like fucked up its messy brother

Chapter eleven

THIS IS SO CUTE IM GONNA KMS

The dog plushie, the memory album, literally everything god I love Christmas

Omfg. Sweater. Sobbing.

AND HITTING ME WITH ANGST AT THE END. This is such a good joy-depression balance

Like its SO SO SAD like irrevocably depressing and filled with grief but also like LIFE and CHILDHOOD and JOY and bruuuhh

Chapter twelve

evil

Chapter fourteen

Basically skipped twelve and thirteen

Jesus Christ

That was gay sex fs

The dementors kiss scene was fucking heart breaking, like devastatingly sad but obviously Peter deserved it

Actually idk, soullessness is so horrific

Then THE KISS and the SEX and everything it was so raw and good and Jesus fucking christ

I want to have sex with eric again bruh

Just so sad, and so happy at the end with the talk of learning to live with it and just UGH amazing I love it

Literally cannot think of a critique atm, im sure ill have some at the end though

FULL RECAP

Yes I know I skipped 16 and 17 and I'm sorry.

Overall this story was INCREDIBLE. I loved the writing style, such a good amount of angst, and an easy to follow narrative. It raised Harry like exactly how I wanted and was so cutey and sweetly and UGH. I will say I wish there was more to the plot than “everyone is sad and trying to not be anymore”While that is a completely reasonable story, it does make it a little boring. But because this fic is fairly short it works out alright. My only true criticism is going to be on the pacing. I am not sure at all when Harry and Remus were introduced to each other, or how far after that Sirius came into their lives. I also think Harry and Sirius’ connection, while amazing, was a bit unrealistic at the beginning. For a child with this much past to IMMEDIATELY latch onto someone like this is kinda wild, but it works for the story so no big deal honestly. I think characterizations were good, not great. However, this is a situation we haven’t seen marauders in and I’m not super familiar with how marauders are usually characterized outside of reading the books and watching movies, so I’d reevaluate characterization stuff once im more engrossed in the fandom.

This is something I just thought about while adding tags, having moody in this fic was nice. He's a character I'd like to see more out of what I've read so far in marauders

9/10, truly loved this one

[rei-caldombra]

Wholesomeness in Fall 2023 Anime- Crash Course + Goofy Boss

Healing/Iyashikei anime has been a favorite of mine for a long time. I wouId often watch one every season. I can get depressed fairly easily and often, and it's nice to be able to turn on something wholesome and suddenly start feeling fuzzy inside. It can be very cathartic to just watch a bunch of characters be happy together and look into a world where a lot of normal troubles don't really matter. Or worlds where deep emotional issues can be alleviated with just some basic human kindness (which is relevant to both shows). Healing anime won't solve all your problems, but it's a much healthier way of making yourself feel better for a bit than many other options.

This season we have 2 shows that I feel can give you a solid wholesome fix- I'm Giving the Disgraced Noble Lady I Rescued a Crash Course in Naughtiness (which I will refer to as Crash Course) and My New Boss Is Goofy (which I will refer to as Goofy Boss). This is based off of watching the first 3 episodes of each anime and no outside knowledge of either. There will be some spoilers.

Goofy Boss Specific thoughts

After being horribly abused by his previous boss, Momose is left is severe anxiety that gives him health issues. But it turns out his boss is actually super nice and clumsy. This shows does succeeds at being heartwarming in two ways. One by being directly and obviously cute. The two leads are cute characters, they are cute together, and they add a cat that is cute. Secondly, we see Kentarou get over his past trauma. These two have a very nice relationship that just feels good to watch. Over time he is able to forget about those past experiences and move forward thanks to his healthy relationship with Shirosaki.

I think this show is very solid overall. Its jokes land pretty often, and Just within the first 3 episodes we get a good amount of backstory for both the main leads. It actually hit me pretty hard in the heart when Momose learned that Shirosaki was the one who came up with the advertisement that inspired him. I also really appreciate this point because it shows someone getting inspiration from something very untraditional. I don't have any particular love for advertising, even the harmless kind like the ones we see in this show. But it's important to recognize that inspiration can come from absolutely anything. When so much of media uses the same avenues for inspiration, like nature and famous people like heroes, it's nice to see something mundane like an ad for a random business having a strong emotional impact on someone.

Sorry if this immediately makes you close out of this post- I personally don't ship them. I like them as a couple but not romantically. I've always been put off by large age gaps. They are both old and mature enough where I would not call an actual romantic relationship between them problematic though. It's just not my thing. All the power to you if you ship them, the show succeeds at making you want to ship them, so I totally get it.

Crash Course Specific thoughts

After being abused by her family and ousted from her home, Charlotte is taken in by the "demon lord" of a nearby area who wants to teach her how to be "naughty". Don't let the title fool you, in general the naughtiness here is more akin to a kid doing things they "shouldn't" do on purpose. At its core this "naughtiness" that Allen is trying to teach her is about helping Charlotte do the things she has been conditioned not to do and selfishly pursue her own happiness. I really vibe with this message. Most people won't have as extreme of a bad experience as Charlotte, but many people can relate to feeling like they are in the wrong for desiring more happiness. My favorite scene is when Allen buys her a table covered in sweets and basically tells her to pig out. For me seeing Charlotte be able to eat tasty food that she was never able to experience really hits. I really agree with the message he tries to convey to her there, about how it's ok for her to be given something expensive and to enjoy it to the fullest. Imo pigging out on great food is one of life's best pleasures (in moderation). And is a great way to reward yourself and make yourself feel better during a tough time. This show succeeds at being heartwarming through this message trying to be conveyed to Charlotte. Its cathartic to see a character who deserves a to be pampered get pampered. That is the primary appeal of this show. And down the line when we very likely see her properly embrace this philosophy, it'll probably feel really good then too.

When you step away from this general theme, the show starts to lack a little. The art and animation are not particularly noteworthy in any way. As characters they also do not have a lot of charisma or interesting qualities. Like with Goofy Boss I also do not ship this two, but for different reasons. I don't think they have particularly great chemistry. The jokes are also not funny as often in my opinion. If I didn't have a stronger appreciation for the theme that I mentioned I would say it's pretty boring. Among the many healing anime I have seen, I would put it pretty low on the list. If I had to say a #1 its Demon Girl Next Door. To give some other favorites- Barakamon, Non Non Biyori, Lucky Star, and Girls Last Tour. But I've watched many others too that can be considered healing anime, so let me know if you'd like to see more posts about them.

Both of these are relatively simple and formulaic shows, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. The goal of both in my eyes is just to make you feel happy with wholesome characters interactions that help someone overcome their past trauma. Series that have a simple goal makes sense to have simple execution. Both have solid emotional cores that most people can empathize. They may not stand out as anything amazing, especially Crash Course, but they are succeeding at making me feel warm and fuzzy every week. For that reason, I will continue to watch both. If you just wanted to check out one of them, I recommend Goofy Boss as it has stronger characters and comedy.

Thanks for reading!

[crucipuzzled]

About Psychiatry stuff in SPYxFAMILY. Part 3

In Part 1 and Part 2 we covered some physical aspects of working in a Hospital and we got depressed together. In this post I'll talk a bit about the two psych tests depicted in chapter 29 of the SxF manga. I'll try to be as clear and simple as possible.

Here's Part 4, by the way.

7.a. Diagnostic tools: Rorschach's Test

She's holding the 1st print of the Rorschach's Test. I'm 99% sure she's a Psychologist.

This is the most famous psychological test ever. Everyone loves it because it looks shady and supposedly reveals your true personality.

IF ONLY.

Rorschach's test is based on the notion of aperception, which stems from the psychoanalytic term projection. Have you ever heard someone acusing another of "projecting your own faults into me"? Well, aperception is that: in front of a stimulus, you will be reminded of a past experience and build a new one with that stimulus.

The simpler or more abstract the stimulus, the more things you project from yourself over it. Which makes the Rorschach's test one of the best ways to project into, as you are presented with a vague splat of ink with no shape in particular.

Our old pal Sigmund Freud discovered 3 important things: 1.- Behind the consciousness lies an unconscious mind 2.- Some things about ourselves cause us so much distress, that we repress them and bury them deep down in the unconscious mind 3.- The repressed stuff always manages to return to the surface in disguise, no matter what

One of the many, MANY ways in which part of your repressed content is revealed is through the mechanism named projection. And Hermann Rorschach, a disciple of Freud, took that idea, went postal with his ink pot and invented this cool test.

This was Brad Pitt Hermann Rorschach. In case you're wondering, yes, he was popular with the ladies.

Going into a lot of detail about the test would definitely spoil your experience if you ever need, or want, to take it. But I can share with you some fun facts about it.

First, its results are commonly analyzed looking at the numbers (how many images did you see, etc.) and the contents (what did you see).

Second, it doesn't show your personality, rather than interpersonal conflicts. 'Personality' is a concept way too individual and Psychoanalysis is all about how we are built upon our interaction with others. Since we are in constant change, you can retake the test over time and some things will change, but there's a core related to interpersonal (oedipical) conflicts that won't.

Third, surprisingly, Rorschach's test can give out a measure of your intelligence. The more answers you give, the better. But if you try to squeeze answers out to cheat, it will show up in the results!

Fourth, it's pretty expensive. Make sure you can afford to expend a considerable amount of money to take it if you ever want to.

The Rorschach's test is commonly applied by trained Psychologists. I haven't met a Psychiatrist trained to apply a Rorschach, but they are perfectly capable of, if they get the proper training. Also, since it's expensive, it's usually applied in private clinics.

-When is it necessary to take the test?

Maybe when you are stuck between two diagnostic hypothesis and need to make the definitive difference for accuracy. But it's nothing that a simple clinical interview can't take care of. For clinical purposes, it's pretty dumb to apply the Rorschach's test without a previous interview with the examinee.

Some Head Hunters apply this test but it's considered an old-fashioned strategy.

7.b. Diagnostic tools: the Sand Box/Table/Tray

The same principle of projection applies for the Sand Box, with the difference that the theory in which the Sand Box is grounded is the Psychodynamic theory, originated in the UK by a lady named Melanie Klein. This school of tought focuses heavily on the unconscious mind of babies and children.

Children have a hard time expressing abstract concepts, so in the Sand Box they can aid themselves by using concrete objects such as dolls, houses, vegetation and animals.

I've never used this tool, so I can't get into a lot of details. I hate working with children, hence I specialized myself in adults. But my colleagues working with children have told me how awesome the Sand Box is, for both diagnostic and therapeutical ends. I better believe them, I guess?

Best dad, worst Psychiatrist

As for the Sand Box analysis, it depends on what every element symbolizes and how it's displayed in the sand box. A female doll may represent the mother, and paired with a male figurine, the parental couple; and if one of them is buried deep within the sand, it could represent some oedipical conflict. That kind of stuff.

Of course, nothing will make any sense unless you have a previous understanding of the child's background and why is consulting (or, rather, the parents).

In order to analyze it correctly, you have to be there with the child and observe him/her playing with the box. Don't ever do like Loid here.

-By the way, dude. You've been blabbering over and over about the "unconscious mind". But Loid says "subconscious mind". Aren't they the same?

Long story short: no.

Freud's famous disciple, Carl Jung, misunderstood his theory and mistakenly wrote 'subconscious mind' in his works, instead of the Freudian term 'unconscious mind'.

While the concept 'unconscious mind' implies that we have repressed contents deeply related to our relation with others that stems from oedipical conflicts, Jung's 'subconscious mind' makes emphasis on shared experiences that go beyond individual consciousness, relying on symbolism to show themselves up. Must... not... ramble about this...!

I got curious at this point because in Japan (actually, in the whole Eastern world) they don't know Psychoanalysis as we know it here in the West, so I dug a bit deeper.

In that specific panel Loid used the word Shinsoushinke (しんそうしんり), which according to this dictionary, translates as "deep psyche; unconscious mind; depth psychology​". Not really specific. I'll break it down real quick:

Loid is explaining to Anya the purpose of the Sand Box, an instrument whose results are most commonly analyzed under the British Psychodynamic theory, which uses the term unconscious mind.

The English translator probably didn't know this and wrote 'subconscious mind', because WHO IN THE WORLD GIVES TWO SHITS ABOUT SUCH AN INSIGNIFICANT DETAIL. Well, me.

In conclussion: Loid probably belongs to the British School of Psychoanalysis, at least in what concerns to analyzing the Sand Box. Then again, he does it so, SO badly that I wonder if he has ever touched one of Melanie Klein's books at all. Phew!

8. Paranormal perception

According to some Psychiatric gnosographic traditions, paranormal perception is a form of pseudo-hallucination, which refer to abnormal perceptions perceived by the patient as something abnormal. When you are dealing with a case of psychosis, the patient never realizes that what he's seeing or hearing is not really there; it isn't abnormal at all. So, pseudo-hallucinations would be the description for ghost sighting cases, not the explanation.

Could it be mythomania, as Dr. Moustache claims? Only if you have clinical reasons to believe that a patient can't stop inventing crazy yet plausible stories.

Could it be triggered by abnormalities in brain function? Well, if we consider an excess of dopamine as the cause, or an abnormality in the dopaminergic pathways, then maybe...

Now, as to why a patient sees ghosts... I think it strongly depends of the patient's story, and particularly, the story with the ghost.

Some months ago I learned of the case of a man who quite vividly sensed the presence of his deceased father every time he visited his parents's house. The father often had to work for long shifts, and the mother used to ask rethorical questions like "Where is your father?" "When will he come back?". In the analysis, it turned out that the patient felt his father's presence as a way of saying "Here he is" to his mother. It was really important for him to be able to answer his mother's questions. This is an exceptional case, though.

Everything depends on the peculiarities of every case. Still, I think that one shouldn't rule out these kinds of unexplicable phenomena. We just still know too little in the enormous scale of the human mind.

That's it for Part 3. I'll wrap everything up in Part 4. Thank you for putting up with me and my ramblings I restrained myself I swear.