#depression naps

[waddle-avocado]

My top sexual fantasy right now is taking a depression nap with Matt Murdock laying on top of me on that couch in his apartment that looks comfy as hell.

On an unrelated note, I am touch-starved and have not felt another human being in a long time.

[lastlane]

"Despair has its own calms "

Embroider that on a tea towel

[yougotwinterinyoursoul]

Safe space

[goodgrammaritan]

She's sleeping a lot, because she's hoping she might wake up and realize that the mistake of her life was a dream. It never happens.

Us Against You by Fredrik Backman

[triskelion-soda]

WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!

[dont-read-the-latin]

i love naps. they make me feel so dusty and strange. like a kid's toy that sat on a shelf abandoned for thirteen years and then got new batteries. i am moving along making my usual sounds but the time that i slept erased a vital level of functionality from my tin can body

[kaidawrite-a]

Day 3 - FREE DAY Word - Dreaming.

No warnings. Light SHB spoilers ? Does the Crystal Exarch dream of crystal sheep?

[valerianfalls]

Me : I’m not that dramatic

Me woken from a nap:

I will leave this world the way I came.

Screaming and covered in someone else’s blood

[lostintime-liketearsinrain]

Spent my afternoon having depression naps! Oh well 🫠🫠🫠

[its-all-down-hill]

[velvet-hazed]

A little comic about depression naps and spicy socks 🌶️

[matthewbernard]

Yesterday on the way to work I was reflecting on my current life state and the crossroads that lies ahead of me in a few months. I was thinking about what I could do at that crossroads (the details of the crossroads I’ll go into at a later date), and that, as usual, led me to thinking about writing and this blog. 

Later on in the day I looked at my Facebook memories and there was this picture:

Three years ago when I posted that, I was doing pretty well. I had mostly emerged from the worst depression of my life and things had overall become pretty stable. Work was good, my love life was looking promising, and one could say that I was feeling pretty great. Sadly, this would not last. I got fired from the job and the relationship didn’t last, but before it ended, it really took its toll on me mentally and emotionally.

Slowly I began the climb back up. I found a job with a really great team of people and I made peace with being alone for the seeable future. With that, I made the choice to prioritize my kids and to commit to being the source of my own happiness and strength. It was another journey through the dark and back to the light, but when I saw that post, I felt like I had finally made it back to where I was three years ago. Despite the aforementioned impending crossroads, I was feeling pretty good about where I am. I chose to repost the memory, and I went on with my day. 

I received a few likes and a couple of comments. One from my grandma telling me how proud she was of me. I’m never sure how to respond to that sort of stuff, so I usually don’t say anything. While I know how hard it has been to work through the pitfalls of my mental health, it also is hard to acknowledge that as any form of accomplishment.

Later in the day I got a phone call. It was the behavioral health department at my doctor’s office. I was expecting their call as I had asked my doctor last week to have them call me to schedule an appointment for an ADHD evaluation. The person at the other end of the call had the tone of someone who had long since lost their patience for anything. They inform me that my insurance is out of network for their providers (which I already knew), and that my costs would be out of pocket. Now, this whole situation will be its own post at some point to explain why I had willingly asked the out of network provider to call me for an appointment, but right now I can’t openly discuss some aspects of it. So for right now I’m going to skip to the part where I ask them what the out of pocket cost is, and they tell me that it is $418, which is more than double what I was expecting.

Suffice to say, this hit me like a gut punch. Over the last year I have been really exploring the possibility that I am ADHD as it would explain so much of why I am the way that I am. If I’m right, a diagnosis could not only get me medications that could potentially help me, but at the very least it would allow me a great deal of comfort in being able to say, “Yes, I am this thing.” Now, due to the culmination of all the various circumstances: the impending crossroads, my family doctor leaving practice, and most importantly, our healthcare system being completely fucked, I am likely going to have to wait until 2024 to continue pursuing this.

Needless to say I ended yesterday pretty crestfallen. Today wasn’t a whole lot better and the cloud of the crossroads hung over me a little more than usual. I didn’t have the kids today, so after work I made and ate dinner, and then I sat on the couch wondering what I should do with my time. For the last couple of months I had spent all my free time playing Minecraft. For the few months before that it was Pokemon. My hyperfocus on both had subsided and I was in between stuff. Over the weekend I had “cracked the code” on my gimmick for my replay of Breath of the Wild. I have been wanting to play it again before Tears of the Kingdom is released, but I know I need something that will keep me engaged to complete that. I could start that, but I wasn’t quite ready. I thought about writing, but it seemed too difficult.

To be honest, the one thing that I wanted to do was just go to bed. It was 6pm and it was all I could think about. I was exhausted, but I wasn’t sleepy. I just wanted to go ahead and end the day. With what felt like way too much effort, I managed to make myself leave the couch, and rather than go to my bed, I decided to go for a walk around the neighborhood. As I did, I started to feel better, and the ideas started flowing for this post. A part of me felt like I had accomplished something while the other part of me said that simply choosing not to go to bed at 6pm should be easy, and therefore it’s not an accomplishment. This post is already long enough, so that will have to be another thing that we discuss some other time, but the point is that when you are neurodivergent, and you struggle with your mental health, you are never truly in a place when you can declare victory and retire. It is a constant battle. Thankfully today I pulled myself out of it, but I know the near future will hold days where I will probably choose the bed at 6pm.

[eternalllyopal]

Living my best goblin life rn

[koffeefrkeleven]

thoughts

This is peak depression nap weather. 

[triskelion-soda]

a self portrait

[lizzy-frizzle]

*starts messaging people after months of silence, enthusiastically happy* "soooo I've been depressed, sorry for being dead, how are you!"