#describing my gender identity

[nothorses]

hot take but I think the "we're only talking about people who identify as queer when we talk about the queer community" thing was and is one of the worst arguments in defense of the word.

I am talking about you when I say "the queer community", and "queer people", and "queer studies". I'm describing a thing that a large group of people have in common, and you share that thing in common. Your individual comfort with the word doesn't change the definition of it.

I'm sorry you don't like that word. You don't ever have to call yourself that, and you don't have to like it, and I won't ever call you that if you don't want me to.

What I am going to do, however, is decide what language I use based on A) how inclusive it is, and B) how well it communicates my point to the relevant audience.

"Inclusive" here is an important criteria; this refers to the number of people who should be included, that are included, ideally without some kind of weird hierarchy (like we see in "LGBT+" and variations). The technical definition is what we're talking about here- putting personal comfort aside, could the word "queer" describe you?

There will always be someone who doesn't like a particular word for themselves- even if it could apply. Lots of people don't like "LGBT+" (I don't really), even if it technically applies to them. You're not more important than they are.

You can identify one way on a personal level, and still understand that when we're discussing the larger community of people and the histories attached to it, you're included in that- even if you don't personally identify with the specific word we're using. Your story, your voice, and your presence matters.

Y'all need to learn to distinguish "broad term for an experience I share with others" from "personal identity label I use to describe my individual experience to others". ASAP.

[lovelyrotter]

ill probably delete this in a minute but ive just been fuckin boggled by what ive seen across tumblr in the last few days in particular. its why i havent really been around. like holy fucking shit, its really like some of yall just dont want a chunk of the trans community to exist. like some of yall are thisclose to saying it verbatum. way too many already have. 'shut up sit down be quiet and smile for us' type shit, gee where have i heard that before. oh yeah my entire life cause i was forcefully gendered as someones daughter. shock horror i know. you might be surprised to remember and/or learn that very few trans folks know theyre trans before we're 5, or even 10, and that that gendered experience stays with all of us in both/either small or large ways. either bc we literally dont have a solid identity yet (bc we're very small children), dont have the words, we're repressing it out of fear from how others will treat us, we're actually enjoying or enjoyed being another gender in our childhood, or we just genuinely didnt fuckin know until shit lined up later in life. weird isnt it that transmascs dont pop out as 6'1 brick shithouse cis men when we're born so yall know for certain that we're confused lost girls/women oops i mean big dangerous scary men. its almost like we're transgender too. none of yall actually know what intersectionality is or means

[mirakurutaimu]

no one word is gonna encompass everyone’s experiences. quit freakin out about meaningless labels u dumbasses

[screambirdscreaming]

I used to like saying "gender is a social construct," but I stopped saying that because people didn't tend to react well - they thought that I was saying gender wasn't real, or didn't matter, or could be safely ignored without consequences. Which has always baffled me a bit as an interpretation, honestly, because many things are social constructs - like money, school, and the police - and they certainly have profound effects on your life whether or not you believe in them. And they sure don't go away if you ignore them.

Anyway. What I've taken to saying instead is, "gender is a cultural practice." This gives more of a sense of respect for the significance gender holds to many people. And it also opens the door to another couple layers of analysis.

Gender is cultural. It is not globally or historically homogeneous. It shifts over time, develops differently in different communities, and can be influenced by cross-cultural contact. Like many, many aspects of culture, the current status of gender is dramatically influenced by colonialism. Colonial gender norms are shaped by the hierarchical structure of imperialist society, and enforced onto colonized cultures as part of the project of imperial cultural hedgemony.

Gender is practiced. What constitutes a gender includes affects and behaviors, jobs or areas of work, skillsets, clothing, collective and individual practices of gender affiliation and affirmation. Any or all of these things, in any combination, depending on the gender, the culture, and the practitioner.

Gender encompasses shared cultural archetypes. These can include specific figures - gods and goddesses, mythic or fictional characters, etc - or they can be more abstract or general. The Wise Woman, Robin Hood, the Dyke, the Working Man, the Plucky Heroine, the Effete Gay Man, etc etc. The range of archetypes does not circumscribe a given gender, that is, they're not all there is to gender. But they provide frameworks and reference points by which people relate to gender. They may be guides for ways to inhabit or practice a gender. They may be stereotypes through which the gendered behavior of others is viewed.

Gender as a framework can be changed. Because it is created collectively, by shared acknowledgement and enforcement by members of society. Various movements have made significant shifts in how gender is structured at various times and places. The impact of these shifts has been widely variable - for example, depending on what city I'm in, even within my (fairly culturally homogeneous) home country, the way I am gendered and reacted to changes dramatically. Looping back to point one, we often speak of gender in very broad terms that obscure significant variability which exists on many scales.

Gender is structured recursively. This can be seen in the archetypes mentioned above, which range from extremely general (say, the Mother) to highly specific (the PTA Soccer Mom). Even people who claim to acknowledge only two genders will have many concepts of gendered-ways-of-being within each of them, which they may view and react to VERY differently.

Gender is experienced as an external cultural force. It cannot be opted out of, any more than living in a society can be opted out of. Regardless of the internal experience of gender, the external experience is also present. Operating within the shared cultural understanding of gender, one can aim to express a certain practice of gender - to make legible to other people how it is you interface with gender. This is always somewhat of a two-way process of communication. Other people may or may not perceive what you're going for - and they may or may not respect it. They may try to bring your expressed gender into alignment with a gender they know, or they might parcel you off into your own little box.

Gender is normative. Within the structure of the "cultural mainstream," there are allowable ways to practice gender. Any gendered behavior is considered relative to these standards. What behavior is allowed, rewarded, punished, or shunned is determined relative to what is gender normative for your perceived gender. Failure to have a clearly perceivable gender is also, generally, punished. So is having a perceivable gender which is in itself not normative.

Gender is taught by a combination of narratives, punishments, and encouragements. This teaching process is directed most strongly towards children but continues throughout adulthood. Practice of normatively-gendered behaviors and alignment with 'appropriate' archetypes is affirmed, encouraged, and rewarded. Likewise 'other'- gendered behavior and affinity to archetypes is scolded, punished, or shunned. This teaching process is inherently coercive, as social acceptance/rejection is a powerful force. However it can't be likened to programming, everyone experiences and reacts to it differently. Also, this process teaches the cultural roles and practices of both (normative) genders, even as it attempts to force conformity to only one.

Gender regulates access to certain levers of social power. This one is complicated by the fact that access to levers of social power is also affected by *many* other things, most notably race, class, and citizenship. I am not going to attempt to describe this in any general terms, I'm not equipped for that. I'll give a few examples to explain what I'm talking about though. (1) In a social situation, a man is able to imply authority, which is implicitly backed by his ability to intimidate by yelling, looming, or threatening physical violence. How much authority he is perceived to have in response to this display is a function of his race and class. It is also modified by how strongly he appears to conform to a masculine ideal. Whether or not he will receive social backlash for this behavior (as a separate consideration to how effective it will be) is again a function of race/class/other forms of social standing. (2) In a social situation, a woman is able to invoke moral judgment, and attempt to modify the behavior of others by shame. The strength of her perceived moral authority depends not just on her conformity to ideal womanhood, but especially on if she can invoke certain archetypes - such as an Innocent, a Mother, or better yet a Grandmother. Whether her moral authority is considered a relevant consideration to influence the behavior of others (vs whether she will be belittled or ignored) strongly depends on her relative social standing to those she is addressing, on basis of gender/race/class/other.

[Again, these examples are *not* meant to be exhaustive, nor to pass judgment on employing any social power in any situation. Only to illustrate what "gendered access to social power" might mean. And to illustrate that types of power are not uniform and may play out according to complex factors.]

Gender is not based in physical traits, but physical traits are ascribed gendered value. Earlier, I described gender as practiced, citing almost entirely things a person can do or change. And I firmly believe this is the core of gender as it exists culturally - and not just aspirationally. After the moment when a gender is "assigned" based on infant physical characteristics, they are raised into that gender regardless of the physical traits they go on to develop (in most circumstances, and unless/until they denounce that gender.) The range of physical traits like height, facial shape, body hair, ability to put on muscle mass - is distributed so that there is complete overlap between the range of possible traits for people assigned male and people assigned female. Much is made of slight trends in things that are "more common" for one binary sex or the other, but it's statistically quite minor once you get over selection bias. However, these traits are ascribed gendered connotations, often extremely strongly so. As such, the experience of presented and perceived gender is strongly effected by physical traits. The practice of gender therefore naturally expands to include modification of physical traits. Meanwhile, the social movements to change how gender is constructed can include pushing to decrease or change the gendered association of physical traits - although this does not seem to consistently be a priority.

Gender roles are related to the hypothetical ability to bear children, but more obliquely than is often claimed. It is popular to say that the types of work considered feminine derive from things it is possible to do while pregnant or tending small children. However, research on the broader span of human history does not hold this up. It may be true of the cultures that gave immediate rise to the colonial gender roles we are familiar with - secondary to the fact that childcare was designated as women's work. (Which it does not have to be, even a nursing infant doesn't need to be with the person who feeds it 24 hours a day.) More directly, gender roles have been influenced by structures of social control aiming for reproductive control. In the direct precursors of colonial society, attempts to track paternal lineage led to extreme degrees of social control over women, which we still see reflected in normative gender today. Many struggles for women's liberation have attempted to push back these forms of social control. It is my firm opinion that any attempt to re-emphasize childbearing as a touchstone of womanhood is frankly sick. We are at a time where solidarity in struggle for gender liberation, and for reproductive rights, is crucial. We need to cast off shackles of control in both fights. Trying to tie childbearing back to womanhood hobbles both fights and demeans us all.

Gender is baked deeply enough into our culture that it is unlikely to ever go away. Many people feel strongly about the practice of gender, in one way or another, and would not want it to. However we have the power to change how gender is structured and enforced. We can push open the doors of what is allowable, and reduce the pain of social punishment and isolation. We can dismantle another of the tools of colonial hedgemony and social control. We can change the culture!

[themthistles]

i think that while micro labels can seem useful and affirming ultimately they're isolating and kind of an obstacle to your understanding of self. that's because you can never find a word specific enough. there will never be a label or two labels or even ten, twenty of them to perfectly capture and describe all of your thoughts, feelings, experiences, preferences, needs, interests, identities, etc. because you learn more and more about yourself every day and then you change and your wants and needs change with you. having to hop between labels, fearing that you don't 'fit' into a label anymore (both in your own and others eyes), worrying how soon your current label will wear out, questioning if you'll ever fully fit a single one. all that causes a lot of uncertainty and anxiety which could be avoided by just picking a more general thing and molding it according to what it means to YOU. because words will always mean different things to different people, you will never be understood immediately and maybe never completely by anyone but yourself and that's fine

[flashbastardsramblings]

Istg with every new picture of David Tenant, my gender envy gets even stronger.

[perfektblau]

i try not to think about my gender identity issues because it's so complicated. (although someone figured i might be nonbinary 😵‍💫)

would a cis person experience gender envy? not like, "I wish I was strong as a man", but more like

"I wish I woke up as a male one day. Like this handsome guy on this photo. I want what he has. To experience how it feels to be him, even for one day.."

but I also wish I wasn't anything at all 🥲

but I live my life like I am a woman. I don't care about pronouns, she/her is fine with me,

tw: gender dysphoria, toxicity, rant

feminity sickened me when I was a teenager and in my 20s. I have some ideas why, but not sure. I wanted to set fire on things that represented feminity

even stores like Victoria's Secret sickened me, actually made me irate. it made me want to tear it up all those posters up.

puberty was such a nightmare. I think it's common that teens feel very awkward and insecure about their changes, but I think I experienced it badly. I just wanted to rip apart my changing body, I cursed cursed my body so much. my chest was what I hated the most. I was lucky that I was flat I cut my hair very short, dressed androgenously and I felt happier that way.

its just now that I feel more comfortable with feminity than I did before. that's a huge progress for me.

[flutterbyfairy]

btw sexuality labels do not have to be super specific with strict boundaries of what "qualifies" as being that sexuality. you do not have to base how you define your sexuality on the first description that comes up on google; history, culture, the nuances of personal experience, and what you feel connected to are just as important a part of how you choose to identify!

[mushroomheadgirl]

some transfem Draco headcanons! (Cause I love her)

The wizarding world is behind on a lot of things, and that includes the beautiful spectrum of gender. These sorts of things are kept on the fringes. Education on it is almost non-existent as is gender-affirming care. Draco didn't even have that first thought that she might be a woman until after the war, remained in heavy denial for several years, and only started experimenting with her gender and then actively transitioning in her mid-twenties.

It was Blaise who helped her see the light. On a summer trip to Berlin, he took her to a nightclub where through a series of events she ended the night among a group of trans women. This is where she finally starts coming around to the idea that she is a woman, full stop. For the longest time she thought something was seriously wrong with her.

Even still, Draco remains in the closet for a long time. She has a single dress she bought on a whim during that same trip. No one knows about it. The first time she put it on was the most terrifying and euphoric moment of her life. She wears that dress around her bedroom on bad days. It works until it doesn't.

At first she didn't mind still presenting as a man. It's what she went by her whole life, so why does it matter? But little by little it starts to grate at her, then it becomes unbearable.

Eventually she breaks down about it in front of Pansy - full-on sobbing, hyperventilating. Pansy thinks she's dying. Draco thinks she's about to be tossed in the loony-bin. After a very convoluted conversation, Pansy still doesn't quite get it—"So you like to wear dresses? It's a bit weird, but we've all got something."—"It's not about the damn dresses, Pansy! I wish I was like you with- with tits and soft skin and- and-"—but in the end she offers to do Draco's makeup and agrees to call her a girl when they're alone.

And because I can't resist making it Drarry, yes Harry's Malfoy Radar immediately knows something is up. Draco starts behaving strangely at events—stiff and uncomfortable, always looking for the fastest route out of there. Eventually Draco disappears from the public eye entirely, which is alarming since the Malfoys have been aggressive in their image rehabilitation for years now. It's over a year before he runs into Draco again. By that point she's gone through many changes, but there's no world where he doesn't recognize that sneer, those eyes.

[gremlingirlsmell]

lmao they dont know that the concept of (perisex) afab transfems is one of these things that has been cooked up by transphobes and transmisogynists specifically to start this kinda discourse to discredit transfeminity and our language and rally and radicalize queer tme people against tma people

[proudfreakmetarusonikku]

i don’t know how to explain this but categorising everyone's experience as masc or fem based on their perceived or assigned sex at birth is literally just misgendering nonbinary people. like this isn’t meant to be cruel or anything but transmasc and transfem aren’t actually inclusive terms if they categorise nonbinary people as masc or fem based on their genitals. i'm not saying you can’t use them but like categorically that makes them almost exactly as inclusive as calling everyone born with a vagina who’s trans a trans man and calling everyone born with a penis who’s trans a trans woman. it’s still forcing nonbinary people to call themselves by gendered terms to participate in trans discussions because these are pushed as ways for trans people to identify themselves as in all situations. i am not saying terms like that aren’t necessarily useful but they're incredibly dysphoria inducing terms to be considered a primary way to identify and calling myself one of them based on my genitals literally feels the exact same as if i have to identify myself based on my perceived sex because i am neither male nor female and forcing me into one of those categories feels like being forced to closet myself regardless of whether it’s matching my assigned sex or not.

[ninelivesastrology]

Y'all gonna hate me for this one, but you can't call it a homoerotic friendship if that woman was never into you. It's called lust, limerence and delusion.

[fantastic-mr-corvid]

bro why the fuck is understanding my gender locked behind reckoning with my traumatic childhood and the de-gendering & social masculinization i went though due to poverty and having to turn to masculinity/male social systems due to being rejected from girlhood at a young age and needed a social systems to protect myself from the consequences of being an autistic traumatized gifted student.

cant i just have a quick answer? a shortcut? without dredging all that up? without getting a PHD in gender-studies? please??

[dykecubes]

Is weston trans/queer?

Irl Weston isn’t, in the sinjin drowning videos him and Kalynn call each other sisters instead of siblings or brother and sister and the fans tend to call them sisters too

[spyroz]

something liberating that I've started believing (at least for myself, doesn't have to be universal) is that "personality" as a concept isn't real, at least not in the way that western psychology & personality quizzes view it

there is no innate state of being a good or bad person, there is no innate personality that defines or boxes you in, there is no personality test that explains or defines you. You are simply a collection of your actions, the ways you treat yourself, others, and the world

[smoresie]

gender icon undertaker in his princess dress (plus bonnet) 💕💕