#desperately wish I could share more of what I do but I can't even afford a cheap scanner atm

[neganium]

man I am really blowin through this drawing pad, huh

[tojisbbygworl]

Before I Let Go - Yandere!Miguel O’Hara x Reader

Summary: A grieving woman comes face to face with her thought to be deceased husband and can't find it in her to care about how wrong this was. She missed him. So much.

WARNINGS: Thoughts of Suicide, Suicide Attempt

Words: 4,994

Tags: 18+, 3rd person, Angst, Emotional Smut, Desperation, Grief/Mourning, Yandere, Spying, Kidnapping, Minimal Spanish terms of endearment

author's note: hey y'all. I have another fic for you. I am so glad I finished it it's been sitting in my drafts for a minute. The yandere part of this isn't violent although there is some slight physical pain put on the reader during sex. Just a mention of choking and scratching it's not bad. It's more obsession if anything. Also, I wasn't even gonna try with the Spanish girl. The most he says is carina and hermosa and I know y'all are sick of seeing that atp. I barely even tried with the British for Hobie I'm not about to embarrass myself LMAO

I hope this makes y'all sad honestly I feel like I could have made it sadder but I'm still very happy with it. Anyway, enjoy! 🩵

AO3 version

My AO3

Masterlist

The buzzing sound of a phone call is all that can be heard in the apartment. It has been a week since the funeral, and Y/N O’Hara hasn’t said a single word. She doesn't even remember what her voice sounds like.

Miguel O'Hara was everything to her. He meant the entire world. She would do anything he asked, but he never asked for much. All he wanted was her love. She was the same with him. A perfect partnership. She felt like she was on top of the universe. And then it was taken away from her. In a fucking car crash, no less.

He was the smartest person she knew. He was the head geneticist at Alchemax after all. He wasn't a stupid driver. No. It was the other driver's fault. But what could she do about it? It was just a kid. A teenager that had just gotten their license, but hadn't taken official driving lessons; no one really drilled into them the severity of texting while driving. How could she really blame them? How could she press charges? Miguel always told her that she was too forgiving. Too understanding.

He was right. But...she also couldn't help but to think it wasn't fair. That her beautiful husband had to die from their actions, and all they had to deal with was an insane insurance increase and a fucked up car that their parents were bound to replace. She would give anything to trade consequences. Anything.

Almost two months since his death, she's been wandering around her apartment frequenting the most common places she and Miguel would cuddle in. She always had a shared blanket, one of his shirts, or a pillow that had his hair on it to squeeze and cry into. If she sprayed it with his cologne and shut her eyes really tight, she could almost imagine he really was there. Almost.

These objects could never replace him. She missed his warmth. She missed his chest pushing her head up and down from his breathing. It would rumble when he chuckled. His hands were so large that her entire back would heat up when he held her gently. He was so tall, 6'6 to be exact, he would completely engulf her whenever they embraced. She felt so safe in his arms. She doesn't feel safe anymore.

Nearly two months of hunching over on the floor of her apartment in pain. She wailed into the ground. Coughing and scratching whatever she could hold onto, because the pain was too much to bare. Oh, the pain. She wouldn't wish this kind of heartbreak on anyone or anything.

The apartment was large, courtesy of his checks. He could already afford it on his own, then, the both of them married just a few years ago and he didn't expect her to pay a dime, despite how much she insisted. Instead, she bought food and handled upkeep. If it got too expensive, then he would chip in. She would have to move out eventually, his remaining income and life insurance the only thing keeping her afloat. Just another thing that she can’t fathom.

It was 3 bed, 2 bath. One was their bedroom, the other was his office, she's been going in there a lot as well, and they always wondered what they would do with the last room. For so long, it was empty even before she moved in with him. He never knew what he could use it for. He had hoped that she would turn it into a hobby room, she loved to paint and she played the violin a little, but there was a beautiful terrace attached to the apartment that she opted for instead and she insisted the living room had the best acoustics so the room remained a mystery. Until last year, when he dropped a bomb on her.

It was an extremely average day for the both of them. They were both home from work, nothing interesting to report, and were deciding what to eat for dinner. She suggests something they could cook, and he agrees. As the night goes on, something seems off about Miguel. He's quiet and zoning out a lot. Something has to be on his mind, right?

"Babe," she calls for him snapping him out of his trance.

"Hm?"

"Everything alright?" She puts her hand on his shoulders and gives him a worried look. Miguel swallows his spit then turns towards her grabbing her hand and placing his on her waist.

"I've been thinking..." His voice is small. She starts to grow anxious as she had never seen him look so timid. He was more nervous than when he asked her to marry him.

"W-What is it?" She stutters. He kisses her knuckles.

"It's just something that I've been wanting for a while now. And if you don't, then It's completely fine. I care about your happiness above everything."

"Miguel, stop being so cryptic and tell me what's up," She half jokes.

He nervously bites his lips and looks away. Then, taking a deep breath, he looks into her eyes and says, "I want to have a kid."

She felt it was best to pretend the work-in-progress nursery didn't exist. In her mind, the room is still empty. There wasn’t a crib set up. The walls weren't in the process of being painted. They didn't have arguments about what to put on it because they didn't know the gender. In fact, gender of what? They weren't planning for a baby. The third room is as empty as she is.

The both of them were foolish, deciding to get everything set up before she got pregnant instead of winging it like everyone else. She should have winged it. Then maybe she would still have a piece of him with her.

It was so fucking hard to focus on what mattered. She was hanging on a thread that thinned out every single day. Before the funeral, she wondered what would be her breaking point? The point where she finally got up and decided to keep going.

The weather was very fitting for that day. The sun was gone, and the rain came in waves. Her tears, however, never stopped. It was a stupid decision to make it open casket. She gazed upon his resting face for the first time since he died in the hospital then turned and ran to the nearest bathroom to empty her stomach. She hadn’t even gotten to say her speech; Miguel’s mother read for her instead.

Something inside her snapped. Sometimes the pain is a dull ache in her chest, and she’s numb everywhere else. Other times it’s a sharp twang that she can feel in her back. She has to lay or sit down when that happens. Sometimes it courses through her entire upper body and she can’t even move. But this…this stabbing, twisting, and searing pain that ripples through her heart and travels to the tip of her fingers and toes…she hasn’t felt this before.

This was the breaking point, but it did the opposite. She didn’t talk for the rest of the day, her and his family begging her to stay with them. She didn’t listen.

It was nights like tonight that she felt completely alone. She knew she wasn’t, if she just picked up the phone and texted someone, then maybe she would be okay. She just needed to stop looking at the ceiling, turn to her nightstand, pick up her phone, and call her mother. But it was 1 in the morning, and Miguel looked so happy in her lock screen picture…

Her and Miguel had been up here on the top of the apartment building so many times before. They liked to dance, he would watch her play or paint, they had picnics together, it was perfect when they wanted to get out of the apartment, but still have some privacy.

The view was nice. They could see across the entirety of Nueva York. Central Park in the fall was especially amazing to gaze upon. But now it fills her with grief. As she steps on top of the edge, she decides that if this couldn’t make her feel better, then nothing could.

She’s glad she’s doing this in the middle of the night, where no one could see her and call for help. She was sure that she would traumatize a couple people when morning came, a problem that she couldn’t be bothered by. She was ready to be back in his arms. So she walked off. And closed her eyes as she plummeted through the air.

She’s scared. But excited. She only has to feel excruciating pain for a second and then never again. It’s almost over.

She hits something, or more so, something hits her. She’s still flying through the air, but it’s different now. There’s a warm body holding onto her for dear life, and she’s soaring upwards into the night sky. Opening her eyes to gaze at her savior, she sees a masked silhouette. It-it’s Spider-Man…but he looks completely different. She can barely see him, the only source of light being the moon, but she could swear that this wasn’t his mask.

They land on the rooftop again and he puts her down. She crawls away from him, embarrassed and ashamed at what she’s done. She was still alive and now she was in more pain than ever before. Wailing on the floor, she glared up at him in vitriol.

“Why did you save me?” She yelled, her voice powerful for a woman who hadn’t been verbal for a week. Spider-Man didn’t answer. She wasn’t even sure if he was looking at her. “I didn’t want to be saved.” Still, he said nothing. So she continued to cry, and she cried harder and harder until she felt a sensation on her back.

He was trying to comfort her, but when she turned he backed off, holding his hands up instead. Her lips quivered, then she threw herself into his arms. His hold on her body was snug and comforting. Her anger for him dissipates immediately as she accepts his affection. For the first time in a while, she felt safe. She didn’t want him to let go.

And he didn’t. He stayed until she fell asleep in his arms. Then, he picked her up, gazing upon her peaceful face with the light from the inter dimensional portal, then walked into it with no intention of coming back.

~

This wasn’t her room.

She sat up in the bed and took in her surroundings. These weren’t her sheets, that wasn’t her wallpaper, the blinds were different, the floor wasn’t carpeted, everything even the floor plan of the room was different. This isn’t her home.

Her heart begins to pound. Where was she? She was still in her clothes, but that’s the only comfort that she had. Immediately, she shoots out of the bed, the comforter tangling in her feet making her fall onto the floor. The large thump that her fall makes scares her. She stays on the floor, still and quiet as a mouse. There's no noise for a couple seconds. Then, the sound of someone walking.

She hyperventilates, quickly removing herself from the blanket and standing up. But she realizes that she has no where to go. There's a small closet in the room, and space under the bed, but those the only hiding spaces she can think of. And the footsteps were getting closer. What can she do, she wonders as she backs into the wall.

The door swings open. And her heart stops.

Miguel stared at his wife's variant in concern and turns on the light. The woman blinks and shields her eyes, but the bewildered look that she sported quickly comes back. "What happened?"

When he spoke, she gasped and took another step back. She smacked her hand over her mouth. Her eyes glistened with tears, her breath shuddered. "You're alright?" Miguel asked her again. She didn't answer.

For what felt like the longest time, they just stared at each other. He was afraid of approaching her thinking he may scare her away. She was in completely disbelief at what she was seeing. Miguel raised his hands and stayed near the door way. "Please, don't freak out," he began.

She let out a sob, tears escaping her eyes when she did. Placing her hand on her chest, she lifts herself from the wall. Miguel takes this as a sign to keep going.

"I know you must be confused. You're probably upset and angry. I understand." She took a step forward. "But if you would just left me explain..." Another step. Then another. And another. And she held her hand out in front of her. As she approached him, he realized how badly she was trembling, and it only got worse the closer she got. But still, she moved forward.

The speech Miguel had been practicing before she woke up died in his throat. He was speechless as he watched her courageously close the space between them. When she finally stood right in front of him, she hesitated. He could hear her soft gasps and cries. Then finally, she softly touched his chest. He looked down at her hand, then up at her face. Even though she was crying profusely, she looked upon him in wonder. He just wants to reach out and grab her, but he holds himself back.

She begins to rub his chest and torso, appalled by his presence. He looks back down at her hands. Then, they trail themselves up to his neck, stopping right under his chin. He lifts his head up. They both hold their breath for a second. Then, with a gasp from her, and a sigh from him, she finally touches his cheek. Miguel closes his eyes and leans into her palm. He lifts his arm up, and encases her hand in his, keeping it in place.

Her lips begin to move. With a tiny shaky breath, she whispers, "It's you."

Miguel's face is troubled. He has a small frown and his eyebrows were upturned. He twists his head in her palm to give it a small kiss.

Her eyes flicker all over his body. It is him...but he's different. He's taller now. His build is thicker and he feels tense. Miguel was a gym buff, but this man...this kind of definition is not built in the gym. His frown is deep, and so are his wrinkles. His eyes were more troubled than hers, and had the slightest hint of red. And his teeth...she could feel his sharp canines with her thumb.

"No," she realizes. "It's not you."

Miguel opens his eyes and stares at her. He can see the fear growing on her face, and he starts to panic. He moves his hand to her wrist to hold it gently. But he's prepared to squeeze it if she tries to run. "I'm not him. But-"

"But you look like him." She continues, her voice on the precipice of hysteria. "And you sound like him." She holds both of his cheeks and caresses his face with her thumbs. "And you feel like him..."

Miguel winces as he watches her cry louder and louder with every observation. "Cariña, please," He takes her hands off of his face and kisses her knuckles. She completely breaks down crying. Miguel reaches his arms out, and she throws herself into his chest, sobbing into his neck. "You don't have to cry anymore. I'm here now."

"But who are you?" Her voice muffled by his shoulder.

He gulps. "...I am Miguel, but-"

"But you're not my Miguel, are you?" She lifts her head up to stare at him. She looked anguished, her brain not being able to process what was going on. He doesn't answer. "Did you save me?" He nodded. "Why?"

"I had to, baby. I-"

"Where did you come from?" She pushes herself off of him, and Miguel can't find it in him to hold her there. He let's go of her, knowing that there is no where she can really run where he won't find her. "No, where have you been?"

He furrows his brows and tilts his head. "What?"

"Where the hell have you been?" She screams at him in unbridled rage. Her tears were never ending, and her glare was fierce. "I was in fucking agony when you died. I couldn't live with myself. I couldn't get over you. I didn't want to. I missed you so much." Her anger turned into desperation and she falls to her knees on the floor, weeping into her hands. Miguel looks on in desolation, his eyes filling with tears as well. He walks to her and leans down, trying to get her to stand. She flips her head up at him. "Who are you?"

"Please, let me explain." He sits on the floor with her, holds her face and leans into it. She doesn't pull away, instead, she kisses him first, her cries never ending. Her hands tangle themselves in his hair. Miguel wraps his arms around her waist and pulls her into him. He sits back and pulls her into his lap.

The kiss lasts until they run out of breath, then they pull away, panting in each others' faces. "I...am Miguel." He starts. "But not your Miguel. And you are not my Y/N."

She shakes her head and scrunches up her face. "Just listen." Her mouth closes again, and she relaxes preparing herself to take in every word he says...

...Miguel spent a lot of time watching her. His Y/N, across the multiverse. In each one, they are together. It's fate. And in every one...she dies. No matter what that universe's Miguel does, she dies. That must be fate, too. Then he found a universe where that didn't happen. He died instead. He took a chance, and when he replaced himself he was the happiest he had ever been. And then everything was destroyed. An entire universe...gone. He swore to never interfere with fate again. He whispered a soft 'sorry' to every Miguel he found after that.

He saw her, Y/N on Earth - 548. Happy as ever with her devilishly handsome husband. He felt for him. He had no idea the heartbreak he was about to experience. But, for the second time in his studies, he was the one who died. He cried, knowing that he could never do anything about it. When she became a shell of her former self, he focused all of his attention on her. Putting all of his work on Jess and Peter, he monitored her. He watched her cry, she spent all of her time off from work at home rolling around in her bed as if the emotional pain was so strong that it was physical as well. He watched her touch herself at night, whispering his name into the empty air, him joining her from where he was spying groaning her name as well, wishing his cum was dripping from her cunt instead of down his hand. He called for her, hoping that his prayers to keep her safe would reach who ever was listening. They didn't.

He knew that when she sat up like a ghost from her bed that fateful night, she was about to do something rash. He held his hand over his watch, ready to jump as soon as he felt he needed to. When she began to walk to the edge, he decided to not even risk it and hopped into the portal.

He didn't expect her to turn and scream at him the way she did. He hadn't heard her beautiful voice for some time, he missed it so much, and the first thing she did was yell at him. He was stunned. He couldn't believe she was right in front of him. He looked at his watch. No indication of a canon event. There was nothing. Which meant...she was never supposed to die.

He was impulsive, he knows that. But, it worked out in his favor. She was supposed to be alive. He had done right. And now he had a decision to make. Does he leave her here to figure everything out on her own, or does he take her with him...and let her family think she's dead…

“You were watching me?”

Miguel refuses to meet her eyes. She didn’t move, but he tightened his grip around her just in case. Her voice was wavering.

When he didn’t answer, she continued. “Why didn’t you save him?”

He looked up at her that time. Above everything else, she was melancholy. “I couldn’t.”

“Why?”

“I just couldn’t, mi amor. You don’t understand.”

With her face contorted in pain, she released a choked sob. Her mouth was hung open. If she chose to believe this imposter, than hearing that nothing could have been done about the love of her life brought her no comfort. It wasn’t fair.

She gripped Miguel’s shirt letting her head fall forward into his chest. He held her for a long time while her shoulders shook. “Please, believe me.”

She doesn’t say anything, but her cries stopped. He began to worry, but she soon lifted her head up and looked into his eyes. His flicked back and forth between hers, and the both of them dive into another passionate kiss. This time, they don’t let up from each other. It gets more intense. Miguel’s breath picks up as his hands begin to explore her back and waist. She pushes her body up against his, rubbing their chests together.

She’s the one who pulls away opting to kiss down from his cheek to his neck. “Just come to bed with me. Please?” She begs into his skin.

Miguel, in a daze, whispers “Okay.”

He lifts her up and lays her down onto his bed, kissing her sweetly as he climbed on top of her. He felt so much bliss, he never imagined he would be able to do this again.

The way she grabbed his face made him never want to physically leave her side again. This was where he wanted to stay for the rest of their lives. She kissed him with so much despair, so much need, how could he ever leave her mouth? But, the strain in his pants and the grip she had on his back get worse, and he finds a reason to pull away.

She whimpers, missing the way his tongue caressed her mouth, leaving her lips swollen and shiny. Her eyes open, silently asking him where he was going, until he reached under the hem of her shirt and lifts it off of her, exposing her beautiful breasts. She gasps when he begins to rub his hand between them, eventually grabbing one to hold and play with. Miguel grins at her while she watches him rub his thumb across her hardened nipple. Which turned into her watching him dip his head down to her sternum and leave the smallest, lightest kiss.

The restraint he had on himself as he trailed his mouth down her body was unnatural. His claws had long since come out, ripping into the bedsheets as he tried so hard not replace them with her luscious hips. She was responding unbelievably well, making him happy he didn’t listen to Lyla tell him how terrible of an idea this was.

Lyla was wrong, he told himself when he heard her soft cry as his tongue played with her nipple. She began to squirm from frustration, and he just had to push his hips in between her open legs, the heat from his dick making her rub her wet panties along his shaft. Miguel moaned with her nipple fully inside his mouth, her moaning with him from the vibration against her chest.

She’s not scared of me, he thought as he leaves her nipple and kisses down her body. His lips finally met up with her panties, opting to push them to the side instead of taking them off completely. He places a kiss on her sensitive clit, his precum staining his underwear when she yelps. Miguel takes a moment to look at her glistening pussy, then he closes his eyes when he finally licks it.

And she doesn’t hate me. Miguel looks drunk when he starts eating her out. His eyebrows are raised and he gently placed her hand on her spread thigh, caressing the soft skin. Her whines making him even more desperate to please her, he presses his tongue into her center harder. His lips are covered with her fluid. Miguel gives her thigh a nice squeeze, then a slap, then he stands up straight.

When she opens her eyes to look at him, her heart races. His eyelids were low, and he towered over body making her feel smaller than she was. His stare was filled with infatuation, wiping off his lower face with one swipe of his large hand. Without breaking eye contact, he rips his shirt off and swipes his pants and underwear down, his large member bouncing back up. Miguel spit into his palm and started jerking himself off. Then, he climbs onto the bed, aligning his hips with hers.

He drools onto her pussy, her shuddering as his spit meets her clit and runs down her lips. It does well to lube her up with Miguel rubbing his tip in between her folds. “Ngh…fuck,” he mutters, the feeling of her wet cunt on his sensitive head giving him a feeling of euphoria.

She grew impatient, while Miguel was trying to take his time and savor her, she was ready to feel him split her apart. This was something she’s been dreaming about since she lost him. She waited for the day his naked body would engulf hers, his face on her cheek whispering filthy insults and sweet praises into her ear. As she remembers how sex used to be with her love, she starts to tear up.

“Miguel,” she whined making him look at her worriedly. When his eyes open, the red she noticed before is even more prominent. His mouth was opened slightly so she could barely see his fangs. How he could look so similar yet so different from her Miguel, she doesn’t know.

“Yes?” He asks her.

“Please, I can’t wait any longer. I want…” She moves her hips on him again. Miguel looks down at their hips and holds hers still.

He doesn’t respond, just pushes his length into her slowly. He grunts as he sheathes himself inside her warmth, reveling in her cries. “Shit, baby.” She’s tight and squeezing him so nicely, he can’t stop until he's inside of her fully.

She’s breathing heavily with her head thrown back and her eyes closed. Her back is arched lifting her naked chest into the air. “Look at me,” Miguel commands. She lifts her head up giving him what he wanted. Her eyes are filled with tears. It hurts, but feels so good. She missed him so much, and now they were one again.

Miguel whimpers at her beautiful face. “Hermosa,” he reaches out to her cheek to hold it. “Don’t cry.”

“But I love you,” she tells him.

He gasps. His hand lifts from her face. Freezing, he stares into her eyes in disbelief. “W-What?”

She takes his hand and brings it to her lips, leaving a gentle smooch. Her eyes close and the tears fall. “I love you, Miguel.”

His eyesight gets blurry as well, and soon Miguel is crying profusely. “Oh, baby,” he leans over her and pulls his hips backwards. Then he slams himself back down, making her yelp. She grabs his face and kisses him. “I love you too.”

As Miguel fucks her slowly, neither of them can find it in them to stay quiet. Miguel has to tell her how terribly in love with her he is. She has to let him know how much she missed him. He leans into her neck and whispers how he missed her too, and to stop crying because he’s here now. Even though, he can’t stop crying either.

She’s so happy to hear that he will never leave her side. She decides to believe him, accepting happiness instead of reality. She ignores his red eyes, his sharp fangs that press against her neck, as if he can barely hold himself back from biting her. She ignores how different the rumbling in his chest is from her Miguel. It’s not soft or sweet nor does it make her content. This one is predatory and dangerous, it makes her nervous.

She dismisses the way he grabs her neck; tight, leaving her with no air, whereas her Miguel knew that she didn’t like it rough. Honestly, neither did he. This Miguel went faster and harder. He grunted into her ear. But, she doesn't care.

She completely ignores how different this Miguel was. Her wishes were answered. She got him back. It doesn’t matter that his hold on her hip was so strong that he’s scratching her. That he didn’t stop or slow down when she came making her overstimulated. She let him cum inside her soon after, knowing that she wasn’t on anything.

“I miss you so fucking much,” she wailed when he slipped his dick out of her, his cum following suit and staining the bed beneath her.

Instead of getting a warm towel, Miguel laid down next to her and pulled her into his arms silencing her cries. “I told you baby, I’m right here.” But she doesn’t correct herself. She doesn’t calm down. She grips him for dear life and Miguel grows nervous.

Lyla was wrong…right?

“You know she will never love you the way she loved him. It will never be the same. Miguel...are you listening?”

“Lyla…shut down.”

ending a/n: Heyyyyy, did y'all like it? This will definitely not be my only Miguel fic but rn I don't really have any ideas for him. My brain is filled with thoughts of Hobie, and I need to stop neglecting my baby daddy Toji, lmao. So I'll be working on a real quick Hobie imagine and my AO3 stories as well for now. Unless I think of something else. I've been thinking about requests but I will fuck around and make a whole story from it cuz idk how to stop writing so damn much. Y'all I rly dk if I want to make another part to JFTN I rly like how it ended and I can't rly think about how I would continue it. Y'all might just have to deal idk girl. I love ya though! Anyway, I'll see y'all in the next story!🩵

AO3 version

My AO3

Masterlist

[chickadooz]

I thought I'd put together a more comprehensive post of my links and stuff to share with people, so. If you're seeing this and don't know who I am, I do photography focusing mainly on nature and wildlife.

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[get-wr3ckered]

|Cuyan- (Mandalorian!OC) |

Summary: A ship crashlands too close to Cut and Suu's farm for comfort, Rex and Cut investigate.

Warnings: injury and blood, mentions of child death, mentions of the Mandalorian purge.

Wordcount: 800+

Notes:

The timeline's a little ambiguous seeing as I'm not 100% sure of the exact timeframe between Order 66, the Mandalorian purge and Rex & the Batch going to Saleucami.

Eventual oc x Omega (parental relationship obviously) 

Any Mando'a will be translated at the end. 

I think I've added all the appropriate warnings and tags but if I've missed something or tagged it incorrectly feel free to let me know and I'll fix it asap!

Masterlist

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-Chapter one: Saleucami-

"Mom! Dad!" The panicked voices of Jek and Shaeeah carried over the breeze, and the patter of their hurried feet scuffing along the dirt had the two's parents rising from their seats instantaneously. Rex wasn't far behind, blaster in hand as Suu reached for her rifle.

Darting out of the small home, their eyes searched in tandem for the cause of the children's alarm but found nought. Cut and Suu dropped to their knees checking their little ones over quickly. Rex's guard didn't waiver, all that had occurred in the days prior had left his mind in a state of hypervigilance- a need to see what was coming before it arrived growing in the shadow that the loss of so many of his brothers had cast.

"What's wrong?" Cut urged, one hand cupping Jek's cheek tenderly.

"Are you alright?" Suu mirrored her husband's actions and held her daughter close.

"A Ship," Shaeeah muttered, eyes wide and voice wavering as she spoke. Jek raised his hand, pointing towards a small but growing billow of smoke in the distance. "It looked broken!"

Cut and Rex exchanged a silent glance at the young girl's words. Given all that had occurred, assuming that a ship crashlanding so close to be little more than a coincidence wasn't a luxury any of them could afford. The odds of who or whatever was aboard the ship being friend over foe were non-existent in Rex's mind, and from their shared look it was clear that Cut held similar thoughts on the matter.

"Suu, take the kids inside," Cut grunted as he pushed himself back to his full height, taking the rifle from his wife's grasp.

The Twilek woman nodded wordlessly, quickly ushering the children back toward what little safety the farmhouse could offer.

"Best find them 'fore they find us," The clone turned farmer muttered.

Rex offered a lone nod. "I'm with you."

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How the ship had made it through Saleucami's atmosphere without combusting was nothing short of a miracle. Between the mass of mangled metal and the shattered transparisteel, it would have been all too easy to see the wreckage as nothing more than a pile of discarded scrap rather than a once functioning vessel. The growing pool of fuel beneath the ship and the near-constant barrage of sparks escaping from amongst the broken plates that made up the hull didn't inspire confidence in either clone that the ship would stay stable for much longer, although stable was a term to be used very loosely at current.

Rex didn't doubt that even the most desperate of Scrappers would give the wreckage before them an extremely wide berth.

"Don't suppose anyone survived the landing, do ya?" Cut cocked a mirthless brow.

Rex only wished it could be that easy. "Can't leave it to chance."

With careful, deliberate steps the two men dared to venture inwards. Gaining access to the damaged vessel had been simple enough, the cargo ramp's integrity had been compromised and with the right leverage, the pair had pried it open all too easily. What awaited them within the small interior, neither man could've anticipated.

There, curled up beneath the remnants of the control panel lay three bodies. The larger of the three, clad in an eerily familiar armour, held the smaller two protectively, the uncomfortable contortion of her limbs proof enough that she had been trying to protect them.

Crouching low, Rex assed the fallen three solemnly. The blank stares and limp limbs of the two children told him all he needed to know. Neither were any older than Jek or Shaeeah and yet they lay lifelessly before the two clones, Cut forced himself to look away.

Rex too averted his gaze from the children, there was nothing he could do for either of them.

His focus shifted to the woman, recognition flickering as he eyed the familiar crest painted upon her left pauldron. Supporting the unresponsive woman's neck as best he could, Rex pulled the helmet free tossing it aside with little care as he moved to press two fingers against the side of her throat. He waited, counting each second with bated breath before he felt it, weak and slow but it was there. "She's got a pulse."

Those four little words were enough to stir Cut to action. Kneeling beside Rex, the pair did their best to support her properly as they pulled her from beneath the control panel. It didn't take a genius to see the recognition hidden within Rex's solemn expression. "You know her?"

A near-silent sigh fell past the other man's lips. "Not really, fought alongside the boys and I once."

The way Rex spoke, The whistful tone made it seem like it'd been a lifetime ago but in reality, it had been far closer to the present than it truly felt. So much had happened since the 501st had helped in freeing Mandalore from Maul's grasp, none of it good.

"Right," Cut readjusted his grip on the not-quite stranger. He dared a glance at the fallen children, swallowing the bile that threatened to rise as he did so. "Let's get 'em out of here before this thing blows."

A solemn nod was Rex's only reply.

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Additional Notes: Not proofread, I refuse to suffer my mistakes alone. Mando'a: Cuyan- survivor Taglist: Feel free to drop me a message to be added to the taglist!

[pteren]

recently whenever i make a meal i'll finish my plate and then realized i've forgotten to breathe. how hungry must i have been that i couldn't even pause to enjoy whatever i made for myself? how desperate was my neglected body for calories that it told my lungs to take a breather (ha ha) while the esophagus is occupied with the stomach?

i wish i remembered how many bites i took and what they tasted like. i wish i could have three small meals every day instead of waiting until i can feel my stomach digesting itself to go make a daily feast

i don't know why it's so hard to stay on top of this. i don't have any eating disorders. i'm very comfortable in my body. my parents are comfortably middle class and i can afford to make food whenever i want. i enjoy cooking. eating is never difficult or unpleasant for me. so why can't i just do it?

i used to eat with my friends. each day i would scroll through discord and ask: "have you eaten today?" "not yet, have you?" "let's both get up and make lunch" "what did you have?" "what should i make?" "did you eat breakfast?" "go have a snack." we bonded over these little daily rituals. it was a gentle reminder that someone cares, that you are important, that hey i struggle with this too. and so each day we quietly kept each other alive.

when we were at school, we would check to make sure everyone got themselves lunch. if they didn't, someone would go buy them a snack, ignoring their half-hearted protests with glee. it was an uphill battle- we were a dysfunctional little family- but most days everyone ate.

when we were hanging out, we would cook together. we looked up recipes, went grocery shopping, burned sandwiches (well, i burned sandwiches), tried new things, shared ingredients, and relished what we made all the more because it was ours.

maybe it's harder to eat these days because alone it's just a chore

anyway. time to go record rope dart wednesday, so id better wrap up this vent/reflection now i've had a meal today. have you?

[goldenmist]

𝙸𝚖𝚙𝚞𝚍𝚎𝚗𝚌𝚎 – 𝙺𝚘𝚔𝚒𝚌𝚑𝚒 𝙾𝚖𝚊/𝚁𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚎𝚛/𝚂𝚑𝚞𝚒𝚌𝚑𝚒 𝚂𝚊𝚒𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚊

I wish to see more of this dynamic, because c'mon It's adorable. Just a reminder that I am open to requesting, but before you do so please read the rules.

Trigger Warning(s): Mature content.

...

You have never considered your affection as something amoral or lewd. You were taught to follow your heart by many classical movies, no matter how cheesy that sounds, so you did. And It has come to your surprise how many people were against your ideology. Apparently having more than one partner is a crime. Of course being a part of society the thought lingered in your mind, that what you are feeling is abnormal to others. But the hope of being approved by your loved ones was still present.

–Y/N,– your dearest companion Chiaki has stopped midway in her tracks. It was not uncommon for her to be a little slow. So you clutched the steaming coffee cup, anticipating her verdict.

–I can't really tell you anything.– the burning heat from the cup now seemed to dissolve in her tone. You weren't exactly hoping for a party and support, but your friend's blank face was tugging at your heart strings. She was the one you told everything, your initial support and a shoulder to cry into. And now that same shoulder has turned cold and distant. Was she, disgusted by you? You could never tell by her expression.

–It's alright, I understand– You mumbled, swallowing a thick clump. This was something new, you have never felt uncomfortable around her. It made you think how would others react? If someone as laid back as the gamer girl, was not fond of this situation. She stayed silent for a while and then excused herself to the bathroom. You decided to head out as this conversation was clearly not leading anywhere. You have heard enough.

Leaving the money on the Cafe table you exited the building. The pink haired girl didn't seem to mind your absence, and you didn't have the heart to text her. The feeling of suffocation did not leave however, It followed you all the way into your house. And It stayed even after the "warm" welcoming of one of your partners. Being sprayed by water from head-to-toe wasn't in your plans for the evening.

–What's wrong Y/N? Didn't you miss my perfect self?– Kokichi's teasing voice burned your ears as he clinged to you in the doorway. He clearly couldn't read the mood.

–Let me undress.– His smirk grew wider as you realized the double meaning of that sentence.

–Not so fast. I need to take a shower first.– You adored his joking demeanor but not at the moment. So you hurriedly pushed him away and proceeded into the bathroom yourself. You have recently started to share an apartment with Oma and Saihara, and due to their work you could easily afford it. But was it really something you wanted? It was pretty rushed, so were you just desperate? You shook your head and tried to get rid of those thoughts. You can't possibly consider breaking up with them, just after a few disapproving glances, right? Even though they were from the most supporting character in your life.

After taking a shower the pieces of doubt still clung to you like dirt.

You wanted some time alone for now but your plans were ruined in a flash by your little detective. The male has seemed to be in a more uplifting mood than usual, yet his smile turned into a concerned look after spotting you coming out of the washroom.

–Are you feeling alright Y/N?– he approached your figure carefully. Were you really in that bad of a state?

–I am okay, don't worry– A sarcastic laugh rang out from behind the navy haired boy.

–A liar can spot their own kind you know?– Oma swiftly got in between you two, with a malicious grin painting his features. The two were just rubbing the salt in your wound with their sole presence.

–I'm fine really I just need some time,– you were cut off by a hand around your mouth.

–Well that's a lot of bullshit for one round.– Kokichi stated in a more serious manner. The urchin haired sat you down on the couch in the living room with Shuichi trailing behind. They both burned a hole in you with their gaze, and the gnome kept on pinching your cheek, so you were forced to tell of the incident. It felt as If you were a kindergartener confronting your parents.

When you finished It was quite the atmosphere truth be told. You started feeling embarrassed for even thinking about such horrendous thoughts. Leaving them, really Y/N? Saihara attentively grasped your hands and told you words of encouragement. He stuttered and resembled a ripe tomato throughout the monologue, but he's got the spirit. Even after being close to Oma every day, he is not used to physical contact. And detective's adorable state made you smile no less than his words. How you all will encounter that sooner or later, but you have each other to go through it. He sounded awfully like Kaede at the moment.

Kokichi on the other hand was squishing his cheek on your shoulder, while wrapping his tiny hands around your waist. The boy had a deep frown across his features. It was rare for him to express his true emotions. And to say that you felt bad for doubting the two was an understatement. You could never wish for anything more. Well, there was one thing.

–You know,– The panta lover started as you all huddled up on the couch, melting in the moment. Him situated on top of you two in a starfish pose, as TV quietly switched ads in the dimmed room.

–I think I saw a porn start like this.– You and Shumai simultaneously pushed the gremlin onto the floor.

[softysuho]

pretty boy & zombies

pairing: yunho x reader

summary: In the year 3013, the government unleashed their first wave of "natural selection". They took out elderly by offering a vaccine that was told to prevent further sicknesses and stated that it was mandatory. After the elderly were wiped from the earth, phase two was put into action. There they unleashed a monster. The government started the zombie apocalypse in hopes that the elite human race would show itself.

word count: 1.9k (a/n its been awhile and this is lowkey shit, I also can't figure out how to put "keep reading" in with the new Tumblr update, but I hope you all enjoy this drabble💖)

It was day like every other day, humid and way too hot for any sort of physical activity. The small house you sit in does little to keep the warm weather out, it was a cute place from what was left. There had been an old couple in here prior, from what you gathered. They looked cute and happy in the photos that were scattered across the walls. Most of the food leftover had gone bad, but they did have a decent amount of medical supplies. 

You sighed as you thought back to your home, your parents and your little baby sister. It was hard to keep track of the days you have been without your family, four or five months maybe. Your college days were long behind you now, no more parties, no more all nighters doing homework. Everything had been taken from you. 

On an average day supply run, you can still see the tall billboards, promising a better future. The face of the man who decided to play God and Mother Nature. What bullshit. You wondered if he is dead now, if the zombies got to him like they did to everyone else in the towns. 

One could only hope. 

As for other survivors out there, you know that there are some sharing the near city with you. One day stores could have shelves of food and the next day there seems to be half. Although you haven’t crossed paths with any. Who knows if they would be friendly. 

Maybe they’d put you out of your misery. 

Most days that sounded nice. To be able to join your family in the afterlife. Somedays you knew you didn’t want to die, the fear of what comes next after death chilled your bones. You certainly don’t want to feast off human guts and brains for the next eternity. What if the undead are still the people they were before? Maybe they can only watch themselves turn into a monster.  

As you were running low on filling meals, left with light snacks, you decided it was best to into the deeper parts of the city. It was risky, considering it used to be the most populated, but desperate times come to desperate measures.

You grabbed your gear and your sharp machete and adjusted your makeshift armor straps before taking off. Staying low in the tree was one of the safer moves, taking the longest way into the city in hopes of avoiding hordes. The nature was a beautiful sight, the refreshing smell of pine and the distant trickling of water. Normally it'd be calming if you didn't have to fear the undead lurking.

You wondered if nature would begin to go back in time, before the greedy human fingers that destroyed their beauty. However, you wondered if there would be any animal left once the zombies come and eat them as well. One could only hope they'll be okay.

As the trees began to thin out, you could see the city that used to home to many. The streets were covered in half eaten corpses, trash from the chaos and blood. In the beginning, this sight had you emptying your stomach in a near by bush, 10 deep breaths and one 'you can do this'. These days though, it was just the normal sight you'd become accustomed to.

Normally, these trips would be to the same grocery store you've been too for the last few months. You knew these roads now, and every nook and cranny on the way there. But today was different. You were tired of looking like you just crawled out of an old ladies closet, no offense to her. So you decided to head towards one of the stores with both clothing and food. Hopefully you'd find a new blanket to take as well.

There was a light pep in your step as you made your way there, a small amount of excitement you haven't felt in a long time at the thought of some new clothes. You wondered what else there would be there besides what you need and that thought was fun to think about. So similar to what would've went through your head before the destruction of humanity.

You stuck close to the walls of the tall buildings, trying to be as quiet as you could. You couldn't afford to risk being caught now, out in the open by the dead before you even had a chance to see how bad the rest of the city really was.

What you didn't realize, though, was how lost you were in your thoughts. You inched closer to that dark alleyway you would've avoided originally, one that could hide several lurking bodies within.

It was too late by then, a large and warm hand covered your mouth as an arm wrapped itself around your torso. Alarm bells were going off in your head, slowly realizing that you had to escape before you met your doom. Tears were threatening to spill from your eyes, praying to whatever was out there to let you live for another day.

"Would you shut up? I'd rather not regret saving your ass." It was a harsh whisper against your ear, but it did its job as you calmed in the unknown (hopefully) humans arms. "You were being followed." This time the voice was soft, hand finally falling away from your mouth to pull you closer and further into the darkness.

Only then did you notice the scuffing of feet and deep voices. You could tell they weren't far, and they clearly would've seen you walking alone at some point. A thousand 'thank yous' raced through your head towards the person behind you and you could only hope they could feel how thankful you were. You turned to look towards the stranger, only seeing that is was a male who was taller than you. Or at least, thats what you assumed.

The two of you stayed within the alleyways darkness even after the group walked past and out of ear shot. You heard a breath of relief behind you, followed by a brief brush of shoulders. As the man peered out from the darkness, you saw the messy mop of black hair and a quarter of his face. Inching closer to the man, your eyes popped over his shoulder and scanned for any signs of movement. When you both deemed it safe, he motioned you with his fingers and brought you in the opposite direction of the group.

"The hell were you doing out in the open like that?" He said above a whisper. However you were shocked by the way his eyes sparkled in the sunlight, simply managing a small shrug. He rolled his eyes at you in response, "I'm Yunho.. I've been living in that upscale apartment complex a ways down for about a month, and I swear I've seen everyone who is left around here. You're new?"

You scoffed lowly and looked over your shoulder. Why was he telling you this? Did he want to take you back and murder you for supplies? "I've been living in the woods, there was a farm a little ways out and I've only stuck to the store on that side of town."

Yunho hummed, seemingly lost in thought. He didn't seemed too beat up for being out here alone, not like you at least. There were scratches on your arms from shrubbery as well as old blood from a run in with the dead. Yunho was handsome and from the glimpses of his smile, you could tell it was bright.

You had been walking side by side for awhile now, going into the town deeper than you ever had been. The building were getting taller, more expensive and grand. First floor windows were either boarded up or broken, probably either hiding or stealing. You could picture the busy streets, the high class fashion of the upper working class.

"If you've been here for a month, how come you haven't tried to make friends?" You said softly, looking up at Yunho curiously.

"I had ran into the leader about two weeks ago," He scratched his head, looking from side to side while he kept an eye out. "It was fine at first, we made small talk in one of the stores." Yunho pointed behind him and rolled his eyes, "Somewhere back there, I don't remember. We talked for awhile before one of his buddies came in and claimed he could see a bite mark.. All hell broke out after, but I snuck out the back."

You rose your brows and patted him on the shoulder. "His buddy sounds like a real winner."

When you reached the building, you were pretty amazed at the shape it was left in. There was only one window that was broken, leaving the rest of them untouched. "I don't think anyone attempted to stay here so it was pretty much abandoned." Yunho smirked to himself and took a deep breath before he opened the front doors. "After you, ma'am." He bowed and gestured for you to take a step indoors. You gaped at the interior, if you thought hard enough you could see this place lit up and running as it should. The fountain glowing as the clear water fell into each bowl, grand chandeliers brightening the room. Your face was stuck, awestruck with a small smile. You wished you could've saw everything work in action or had the opportunity to stay a night here with room service.

"Woah.." You whispered when an arm was thrown around your shoulder.

"Wanna go room hunting with me? I've only been to the first five floors." Yunho whispered back as, he too, studied the hotel lobby. Pursing your lips, you shrugged and looked up at Yunho. Studying his features for a few brief moments. He was, indeed, very handsome.

Yunho watched you from the corner of his eye, his lips twitching into a smile. As fast as he could, Yunho turned his whole head to catch you in the act. The smile turning into a giant smirk. "See something you like?" He spoke first, head cocking to the side. "It's okay, I see something I like as well." A wink was sent your way, causing a blush to cover your features.

"Shut up," You joked, side eyeing him before your elbow met his ribs. He chuckled at you and took your hand to pull you to the stairs. "Find me some nice clothes and I'll reward you with a treat." Instead of your voice giving off a confident tone, it came out small and squeaky, leading your blush to darken a tenfold.

"Oh? And what is the treat? I think I should know before doing what I'm told."

"Guess it depends on how well you do."

After several hours of searching, jokes and excitement from not expired food, Yunho was able to come up with a nice sturdy set of blue jeans, a pair of leggings, some new combat boots, three shirts and one giant ass hoodie. He looked at you with wide and innocent eyes, silently asking you for his treat.

With a long sigh, you plopped yourself down on the couch and gestured him to come closer. As soon as he was within arms reach, you gripped his shirt and pulled him down on top of you. "Y/n.. you can't have my shirt." He said with a shit eating grin.

"Just shut up and kiss me."

[ladywinterwitch]

Run Away (Eight- What You Gotta Do)

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Avenger! Reader

Summary: You and Steve complete each other. Your love is that strong and devoted kind of love that pushes people to things like marriage, making a family. You couldn't imagine that a baby would be something you really wished, until the possibility wasn't your choice anymore.

Warnings:  A bit of angst, pregnancy talk, mentions of injuries, mentions of abandonement (mild), fluff, reader is still an emotional rollercoaster, cursing and swearing, smut, unprotected sex (too late for these two lmao), oral sex (f recieving), brief mentions of body insicurities, Bucky’s a puppy dog.

Words Count: 5289

A/n: Part eight! I can’t believe that I’ve actually come this far lmao. Plus, me posting stuff with less than 44827 years of distance with each other? A miracle. I always said that I would wrap it up at 10 chapters,but while writing this chapter I realized that I will need one or two extra chapters + the epilogue. We’ll see. For now I’m happy to be able to write lol. Series masterlist here, main masterlist here. Enjoy <3

ps: Chris’s look in that gif,,,chile 

                       (gif not mine)

In the following week you saw Steve once a day, just to assure that he was doing fine. He wasn' sleeping in your shared room for the moment, but in a spare bedroom. You knew that you were probably being harsh with him, but you were so mad. It wasn't the first time that he did something stupid to try and save others. Hell, just think about that damned plane crash that put him in the ice in the first place.

You understood the reasons why, and basically everyone tried to talk with you and kinda 'sugar coat it' but the issue wasn't that you didn't understand: the issue was that he couldn't afford to think only about himself. Was it selfish on your behalf to think that way? Maybe. But you couldn't help it. You told yourself that it would've been different if you were just married, or just lovers. His decisions would've still been his. But now it's different. In less than six months he would've become a father. And that comes with responsibility. Wasn't he the first to tell you how important it was for you to put aside your job, for months or maybe even forever, just for the wellbeing of the creature inside you? That kid is yours just as much as he's his.

You and Bucky went out for a shopping trip that afternon. You would've asked Wanda, but she and Vision went to Clint's farm for a few days to see him and his family. Steve still had to be inside the tower, since he wasn't fully healed yet. You knew that he was watching a football game with Sam now, while Tony and Bruce were working on a new project, and Thor went to Asgard for a while to go check that Loki and Odin weren't at each other's throats.

You didn't mind Bucky's company at all. And in any case it wasn't like you felt like going out with Steve, not just yet. The brunette drove you both to the mall where he parked and then you went inside.

-So, what absolutely exciting and girly shops I have to visit today?- he asked while you curled your hand around his bicep. You laughed, looking up at him while you walked.

-Well, this mama is getting bigger every day, so I really can't wear my old clothes. I wouldn't even fit in them, and I can't go on with you guys' hoodies and t-shirts. I mean, I'm still a woman. Who said I can't look good while pregnant?- you responded, dragging him to a maternity clothes shop. As soon as you entered like half of the women in the shop turned to look at Bucky. You glanced at him and saw that he blushed and was looking everywhere except them. You bit you lip to not smile while you started to look around at the clothes. You made sure to engage in conversations with him to try and take the attention away.

-Damn homie, I think you just made those women regret their partners.- you said lowly so only he could hear you, and being a super enhanced supersolier, he did hear you very clearly. He snapped his head towards you with a look of disbelief on his face. His expression was so funny that you couldn't help but laugh. He looked around quickly then got closer to you.

-Stop it! It's already embarassing without you pointing it out.- he whined with a low voice. You stopped laughing but you couldn't help but smile, pressing your lips together.

-It's just so funny to me, because I understand these women. Turns out that pregnancy doesn't only make you sick, but also terribly horny.- you rose an eyebrow and he face palmed himself. You laughed again.

-Too much information, doll.- he groaned. You chuckled, putting in his hands a bunch of clothes. He caught them with both arms and followed you like a puppy to the changing rooms.

-Thank you kind sir, now I'm gonna see if they fit then I promise we're out of here.- you joked, hanging the clothes into the changing room. You closed the tent and he let himself fall delicately on one of the couches. He looked around while he waited but it turned out to be a bad idea when he saw the women from the various isles and even the shop's staff looking at him. He awkwardly smiled and then looked back at the closed changing room, sinking in his seat and covering the side of his face with a hand nonchalantly. He heard a few muffled giggles but no ne bothered him.

-Y/n are you done?- he asked, more embarassed than anything. Suddenly she pulled back the tent and started to gather a few of the garments in her hand. Bucky's gaze got caught on her figure. It was essentially the first time that she wore something fitting and not exaggerately large, so her belly was fully on display, even more so since she was turned to the side. The man felt a mix of emotions all at once and didn't quite catch the first time she called him.

-Buck, did you hear me?- he snapped out of it and stood to his feet, blinking a few times.

-It looks great.- he commented. You had on a nice flowery minidress, the sleeves were short and puffy, the square neckline showed just enough cleavage to remain classy, the breast area was tight but just below the skirt was soft and fell perfectly on your figure, showing the belly. You looked at him with a smile, chuckling slightly.

-Yeah, it fits well doesn't it? I'm getting these,- he gave a three dresses, two shirts, two t-shirts, two pairs of jeans and a pencil skirt to him, while she had other stuff in her own hands. -And I'm leaving these.- she sighed.

-Would you do me a favor? I'm dropping these off, meanwhile could you go to the pay desk? I'll be there in a sec.- he nodded and you thanked him while you walked away to the isles. Bucky walked towards the counter and dropped the garments on the desk, giving a quick smile to the girl behind it. He pulled out from the back pocket of his jeans the wallet and then the credit card, which was obviously Tony's, and put it on the glass above the counter. He waited a few seconds until the clerk, which was a nice girl with black hair and amber like eyes, spoke to him.

-So, how far are you guys?- she asked. Bucky almost choked on air at that phrase.

-Oh we- - he was about to say, but you arrived at his side and saved the situation. You smiled kindly at the girl and gave a pat on Bucky's arm.

-I'll be exactly of five months in a week, and he's more like the uncle than the father.- she tileted her head towards the brunette. The clerk smirked.

-Is he now?- she said rethorically. Then added, -That would be 277$. You're paying with cash or card?- Bucky gave her the Visa and she thanked him, finishing the payment. Y/n glanced at him with a knowing look and a slight smirk. He rolled his eyes and shook his head a little, she furrowed her brows as if to ask 'Why?' and he just mouthed 'No', so she didn't push. For now.

-Thank you for your purchase, congratulations and we hope to see you soon.- the girl said with courtesy, her gaze lingering a bit on the man, whom didn't return the look. You could see the slight disppointment of the girl.

-Thank you, have a nice day.- you saluted her and then headed out with Bucky. An hour had already passed and you still had in mind to buy a few things, but first you needed a break.

-I desperately want a piece of cake. What do you think?- you elbowed him delicately to catch his attention. He turned his head and nodded, still carrying the two bags. You arrived at the mall's cafe and ordered. He picked an iced coffe and you a slice of cheesecake and some tea, knowing that coffe wasn't that good for pregnancy. You took a seat at one of the tables outside, even tho you were still technically inside the mall.

-So, wanna tell me why you didn't accept the clear as the sun advances that the pretty shop assistant did?- you brought the fork to your mouth. He huffed and shrugged.

-Because I am not interested. I don't think I'm in the right mindspace to date right now.- he responded. You exhaled, tilting your head slightly to the side.

-Buck, I know that it didn't end up that smoothly with Nat, but she's gone.- she realized how that sounded like and quickly corrected herself, -I mean, not gone. But...gone, you know?- you cringed at your own words and he snorted.

-Very smooth y/n.- he joked, earning a glare from you.

-Shut up, I'm trying to help here. What I meant that while I understand that things with Nat didn't end up in the best of ways, she went away to give both of you the space you need to get back on your feet.- you paused, drinking a sip of tea, then offring the last bite of cake to him. He shook his head, giving you a lopsided smile.

-Don't worry, it's all yours.- you pointed your finger at him, while chewing the cheesecake. He chuckled.

-Right answer. Anyways, what I'm trying to say here, Buck, is that you have to allow yourself to try again. Because you deserve it. What do you tell me about that person you said you were interested in? I've never seen you with anyone in the last three months.- he looked to the side for a moment casually.

-They're taken so, yeah.- he simply answered, shrugging while taking a sip of coffe. You got sad all of a sudden. You eyebrows knotted in a sad expression and he noticed, giving you a small smile.

-Hey, don't do that. It's okay. I'm not like heartbroken or shit. I'm happy for her.- he assured you, -She.. well she has a family. She deserves it, so I'm happy for her.- he nodded, smiling softly. You smiled at him too, still with a hint of sadness. He took a nother sip of coffe an then raised an eyebrow, looking at you.

-Why are you crying?- he asked confused. You furruwed your brows in confusion and wiped your fingers under your eyes, realizing that a few tears had escaped. At that point without a reason, you started to feel worse and embarassed and a mess, so you sterted to actually sob a little. Bucky got up and moved his chair next to yours, hugging you.

-Hey what's wrong? I promise I'm alright.- he laughed to try and lighten the situation. You hiccupped into his chest.

-I- I know..it's just.. I don't know, these stupid hormones are making me act hysterical.- you had sittle sobs coming out every now and then. He kissed your head while he stroked your back.

-It's okay, you're not hysterical.- he chuckled softly making you smile. You pulled away from him looking in his eyes.

-I'm a mess aren't I?- Bucky wiped a little smudge of mascara under her eye, and then smiled at her lovingly.

-You look just fine, darling.- she hugged him, whispering a 'thank you, I love you' in his ear.

-I love you too- he answered.

After that, they finished their drink and Y/n told Bucky that she wanted to order a few things for the baby so they did just that. They went in a baby-stuff shop and she choose and placed some orders for a crib, a baby seat for both the car and the kitchen and the changing table. You didn't wanted to buy them right away, so you told the shop to bring them at the tower when they wanted.

When you exited the shop, it was already six thirty pm, so you decided to head back at the tower.

In the car, you told Bucky about your idea to get a midwife to help you during your pregnancy and especially when it'll be time to deliver the baby.

-I don't know y/n... I mean I think that you don't need a midwife or some other stranger to take care of you and the baby. You have Steve. You have me, and Sam, Wanda and the rest of the team. Bruce has basically become a doctor of everything, I'm sure that helping to deliver a child isn't that hard.- he shrugged while keeping his eyes on the road.

-I can't and wouldn't expect you all to babaysit me for another four months, Bucky. You have missions, classes, a you know, your own lives.- he glared at you, probably wanting to intervene and contraddict you, but he remained quiet in the end.

-And, you really can't expect Bruce to handle this. He's a fucking physician for God's sake. He's absolutely amazing, but a delivery? No, that would be too much even for him. And I would be kinda embarassed, for crying out loud.- you added with a high pitched voice. You absentmindely started to cradle your belly. He thought about it for a few seconds.

-I don't know y/n, you know how I am with strangers. But in any case it's your and Steve's decision. Please, talk to him. He's been miserable this week without you. He wouldn't shut up about how he was sorry, and stupid and in love with you and that he misses your smile, your belly and I don't know, I stopped listening after a while.- he said exasperatedly. You suppressed a smile.

-Really? - you asked sheepishly. He turned his head to look at you for a second before smiling knowingly.

-You know it's true. Your fucking married, for God's sake.- he said, tired of you two being idiots. He could just imagine how it'll be when you'll become parents. You will be great at it, but also a mess at the same time.

-Hey, Whiny Soldier, how was shopping? - Sam shouted when he saw the two of you coming in the room with your hands full of bags. You didn't see him, but you just knew that he pursed his lips and shook his head.

-

You came back at the tower just in time for dinner. Vision and Wanda had aprons tied on their chests, while the others were just chilling in the common room. Steve was there too, beside Bruce.

-Shopping was productive, thank you very much.- you answered pointing for Bucky to put down the bags.

-Let me help you take these to your room.- he offered, but you gave him a look and he understood immediately, putting them down. You smiled and kissed his cheek.

-Thank you for being my human cart today.- his jaw dropped, pretending to be offended.

-Oooh- Sam howled and the others laughed. Steve smiled slightly, still mortified by your little 'cold shoulder week'  thing.

-You're lucky I can't tickle you to death right now.- he pointed his finger at you before walking to the fridge to pour himself a glass of water.

-Yeah, yeah, like you say big guy.- you teased him. You paused, shifting your gaze to Steve. He was wearing a blue hoodie and gray sweatpants, his dirty blonde hair were starting to get a bit long at the sides and a few strands fell on his forehead, while his jaw was covered with a slight scruff. His puppy dog eyes met yours and you couln't help but melt a little.

-Steve, are you well enough to help me with these?- you asked and even before you could finish he was on his feet. He almost tripped from how fast he tried to reach you.

-Yes I'm perfectly well I mean I'd love to help you. I mean obv- - you raised an eyebrow and he stopped, looking down. The whole team was watching in silence like it was a damn movie.

-I'm rambling, I'm sorry.- he said lowly. You sighed and places three of the four bags in his hands.

-C'mon. And you all, get a life.- you called them out while you two walked to the elevator. A few minutes later, after the short, silent, trip, you arrived to your room. He placed the bags on the bed and you did the same after closing the door behind you.

-Help me take off the price tags.- you invited him. He grabbed the bag, taking out the first garment. It was a white baby onesie, with Captain America's shield logo on it in white, blue, and red. His breath got caught in his throat and he suddenly let out a sob.

You snapped your head up in confusion, your features softening when you saw him. He sat on the bed, head down, onesie still in his hand. You put down the dress you had in your hands and went to sit next to him, since it would've been really uncomfortable for you to bend on your legs now. You hand went istinctively to rub his back.

-Can we talk?- he asks with broken voice. You tilt your head to the side to look at him with the shadow of a smile on your face.

-Only if you stop crying. Or else none of us will be able to talk at all.- he chuckles slightly making you smile lovingly. He wraps his big arms around you, nuzzling his face in your neck, your collarbones exposed due to the large shirt you were wearing. The wave of relief that washed over you in that moment was hard to describe.

-I missed you so much, baby. I couldn't stand the thought of you being mad at me. I'm sorry for being so impulsive.- he sniffed while he talked. You nodded, cupping his face gently. Steve melted into your touch.

-I know you are. And I'm sorry too. I know that I've been harsh with you these past days, it's just...- he waited patiently, -You're not responsable for only yourself anymore. I understand, please trust me, I understand what you wanted to do and also that you feel like it's your duty to do that. And it kinda is, but my point is- you shook your head realizing that you weren't really explaining yourself.

-What I mean is that you cannot put your life behind other's. Not for me, not even for the team. We're grown ass adults okay? Fow how much you can love us and we can love you, we are our own person. But this- you placed his hand on your belly, -This had been a choice. Your, mine. We both are responsable for this life. The same way I gave up my job, and the lessons. Now, I'm not asking you to stop going on missions, but I'd like you to be with me as much as possible. And that when you go, you'll be careful. Please, Steve.- you say softly, almost in the verge of tears. Again. You've cried more in five months than in your whole life probably.

-You're right. It was pretty hypocritical of me to get mad at you for the same reason in the first place.- he shook his head in disappointment. You rolled your eyes, adding -Work. I think we'll have to rearrange ourselves in this department.- you smiled and he laughed, agreeing.

-So, are we gonna get these off the bed and use the space in a better way or what?- your lips curled in a seductive smirk that quite shocked him. He recovered quickly, jumping on his feet and placing the bags on the ground in a split second. You threw you head back laughing at his eagerness, but you honestly couldn't blame him. Your hormones were a mess and your horniness at level 100, but you often were either sick, tired, hungry or he was. And not to mention the missions that separated you. So let's say that since you got pregnant the sex decreased noticeably, which was something that you wanted to fix. You phisically missed and needed him.

He returned to you and crashed his lips to yours, and soon enough you were a mess of tongues and lip bites and sucks that got interrupeted just briefly to get your clothes off. He didn't have anything under his hoodie, and you happily noticed that he was completely healed and that his weeks in the tower were due to the lack of new missions. You sincerely hoped it would last. After his hoodie, his pants and boxers were next. With you the situation was a bit more complex: first the light material shirt you had on had to be unbuttoned, then your tank top, the jeans' belt and the pants themselves. When you were left in just your underwear, a plain set of cotton white bra and panties, Steve stopped to look at your body.

He was in awe of you. He rose his hand and started a caress that began on your cheek, his thumb on your bottom lip, then descended to your now fuller breasts, to the curve of your waist to to your baby bump. At that point he bent down on his knees and kissed it softly.

-Hey little one, if you want to take a nap, now it would be a good time.- he whispered directly to the stretched skin. You let out a sound that was halfway between of a whine and a laugh.

-Steve, Jesus Christ.- you covered your face with your hands. You heard him laugh and stand on his feet again. He removed your hands gently, kissing you again with slow, agonizing passion that even let escape a ridiculous whine from your lips at the loss.

-Where were we?- he reached behind your back and unclasped the bra, sliding it off your shoulders and freeing your breasts.

-Mrs and Mr. Rogers I'm sorry to disturb, miss Maximoff would like me to inform you that dinner's ready.- you stopped hearing F.R.I.D.A.Y.'s voice. You groaned, annoyed at the interruption, but Steve suddenly started to push you on the bed and to lick and suck your boobs.

-Tell miss Maximoff that we have dinner here.- he responded biting softly your nipple, making you whimper.

-It will be done, mr Rogers.-

-Geez Steve, couldn't you be more specific?- you sassed with a deep breath, distracted by your husband's mouth. He snorted moving further down to remove your panties.

-You're already pregnant, couldn't be more obvious than that.- you started to laugh, but it soon became a loud moan when you felt his tongue licking a long stripe on your pussy. You closed your eyes and istinctively wanted to bring your hand in his hair, but you found an obstacle. A medium big, round and naked obstacle. You huffed and Steve stopped, tilting his head to the side, since now you couldn't even see him from between your legs.

-Are you okay?- he asked, worry in his voice. You sat on the bed, helping yourself with your hands. He returned beside you, waiting.

-It's just..ugh I'm so awkward and big and not confident if I have to be honest.- you say for the first time out loud. You wanted to cover yourself by curling your knees to you chest, but again, you swollen stomach didn't allow it. At that point you got even more frustrated.

-Damn it.- Steve places his fingers under your chin and made you look at him. His eyes were serious but not mad.

-Hey, none of that. Do you even realize the miracle your beautiful body is doing? You're creating a whole life in there, baby.- he smiled brightly looking in your eyes, -And by the way, you're still hot as fuck.- that made you laugh. He kept smiling while he made you lay down again on the sheets.

-This beautiful face..these cheeks are even sweeter now.- he peppered them with kisses making you giggle uncontrollably.

-Don't get me started on these ones...- his hands cupped your breasts while his mouth attacked your nipples and the soft skin. You moaned softly, your hand immediately in his short hair, your nails delicately scratching his scalp.

-But you know my most favorite thing?- he kept going, -This.- he was now between your legs, kneeled in front of your stomach. He caressed it and kissed it a few times. Then his gaze  locked in yours again. You almost felt hypnotized, both by his velvety voice and his touch.

-I love it because it's round and soft and most importantly because it's giving me a family. A baby. And you know who's giving me all of this? You are. So don't ever be insecure about this wonderful body, please.- you smiled at him softly. Soon enough the mood changed again when he spoke his next words.

-Now, are you gonna let me thank this stunning body like it deserves or not?- you felt the smirk in his voice, his blue eyes hungry. You mirrored his expression propping yourself up on your elbows.

-Would like to see it.- you answer. He huffs out a laugh and reprises what he started doing a few minutes prior. He took good care of you until you came on his tongue, and at that point you grabbed him to crash your lips together. You kept moving and bringing him with you, until he found himself laying down on his back and you straddling his hips. Steve's hands immediately went to your sides, trying to not move and let you do the work, even though all he wanted was to fuck you until you both could't anymore.

You kept you eyes on his while you stroked him a few times before slowly sinking on him. He squeezed both his eyes shut and your hips, huffing a long breath. That could've almost made you laugh if you weren't just as wrecked. Your hips started moving, back and forth, to the sides in painfully slow circular motions. At one point he grabbed your ass, sitting up and making you gasp.

-Doll I'm kinda struggling here- he breathed out kissing your neck while you kept moving. -I want to be delicate but damn.- he nipped at your sweet spot between your neck and shoulder. Your hips started going faster with the help of his hands guiding you and soon enough you were panting and kissing each other passionately and messily.

-Oh, Steve I'm almost there- you moan hugging his head to your chest. He moaned too, reaching in front of you with his hand to circle your clit.

-I'm right behind you baby.- he reassured you while in reality he was trying hard not to come in that exact moment. He craved you more than usual, not only beacause your body was actually so fucking hot to him but also because he hasn't touched you for almost two whole weeks.

Just a few seconds later you gripped his shoulders, hiding your face in his neck. His breath got caught in his troath at the way you clenched around him when you came. And as a cue, he followed you short after, coming inside you. You stayed like that, hugging and cuddling for some minutes, then he kissed you and moved you gently on his side, hissing slightly when you lost contact.

-Be right back.- he said going to the bathroom and returning with a wet wash cloth. He cleaned you up from both of your releases and then went back to throw the dirty fabric in the laundry basket. You looked at him with a lopsided smile, still hazy and quite tired from the recent activity. He mirrored your expression with messy hair, crawling in the bed to you and pulling you on his side after.

-I needed that.- you say. He sighed, -I definetly did too. How come we always end up having sex after we argue or talk?- he asked casually. You shrugged.

-I don't know, the important thing is that the talk comes first and then, the sex.- he agreed with a nod. You chewed on you lip a bit before speaking again.

-Honey- you called, he hummed.

-While you were away last week I started to think about how I will probably need more help in the future, you know. And the fact that you and the others are often away on missions. And I mean it's totally alright, that's work but... I felt so bad when Sam and Wanda were left behind last time. And just to 'babysit' me.- he looked down at you with a frown.

-They offered to stay behind because they wanted to. We're taking turns on missions all the time.- he responded. You barely noticed that he had started to caress your belly.

-That's not the point, you know it. The last mission was quite big. I know my work well enough to know that Fury would've sent all the team, if I weren't left behind. Also by now we both understood that this baby isn't a normal baby and that is why I'm so sick so often. Bruce can't be here all the time, and for how good and skilled he his, he's not an expert in the baby field.- he was listening to you intently, but he wasn't quite sure with where you wanted to go with this.

-What's the point?- he asked, moving a strand of your hair from your face with his fingers.

-The point is,  that I've read a lot in these months, and I think that we should hire a midwife. It would be someone that stays with me most of the day and helps me. An actual expert.-

-And how would you explain that our child has the blood of two super soldiers?- his hand motioned himself and you. You got up, towards the bathroom.

-Steve, we share the house with a god, a giant green monster, enhanced people, a witch, a kid that has the powers of a spider and an intelligent robot. I think it wouldn't be a great surprise.- you closed the door, peed and then refreshed yourself before going back to take some clean clothes. You saw that he was waiting for you to get out, probably wanting to shower.

-Okay then, I guess we can arrange that, if that will make you feel better.- he finally spoke. You kissed his cheek, already in your underwear.

-Thank you. You're showering?- he nods, the raises an eyebrow.

-Wanna join?- you laugh and shake your head.

-No, baby not now. I get tired quite easily and if the bed's already a bit difficult to work with, the shower must be a nightmare.- he pouted.

-You're right.-

-But- he stops the door before it closes, waiting for you to continue. -I want to fix your hair and your beard if you let me.- a lopsided smile opens on his face.

-Be my guest.-

-

After you sat him down on the edge of the bathtub, you shortened the longer strands on top with tiny scissors. After that you picked up the electric razor and groomed the sides, shortneing them but not removing them completely. You did the same with the beard, leaving a short, barely visible scruff. About twenty minutes later you were done. You put down the razor and took a step back to look at your work.

-Perfect.- you commented, brushing the hair that fell on his chest and shoulders. He stood up and looked at himself in the mirror, smiling.

-Is there anything you can't do?- he asked. You smirked, kissing him before starting to clean up.

-No, I'm a woman.-

*************

Tag list: @polarcrystall​    @a--1--1--3​    @silver-winter-wolf​   @jessyballet​

[n0longerhuman]

𝐢 𝐰𝐢𝐬𝐡 𝐰𝐞 𝐧𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐟𝐮𝐜𝐤𝐞𝐝 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐢 𝐦𝐞𝐚𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭.. 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲.

prompt: Kuroo has grown tired of the perpetual temporary nature of your relationship, the spark burst in him when he sees you with another boy, for the umpteenth time.

pairing: Kuroo Tetsurō x reader.

warnings: angst, semi-public sex, semi-clothed sex, vaginal sex, unprotected sex, breast-playing, slight chocking, creampie.

You knew Kuroo, you had learned to understand how he reacted to what you were doing even if he didn't explicitly show it. And yet, this time you had missed it.

As always, you had decided to meet at lunchtime on the stairs that joined the gym where Kuroo trained practically every day. It had now become routine. Although both of you were afraid of getting caught, often that free time became time dedicated to your physical well-being. If someone'd approached that door that led to the stairs, they would've heard your breathless breathing and you two panting the other's name.

It all started out of pure chance, one day Kuroo needed a silent place to study, he had forgotten the test of the next hour and needed silence and concentration, and therefore he remembered that hidden space away from noise near the gym.

And there he met you. You were used to being on your own during that interval, you didn't like being disturbed and you needed a little calm, but an unexpected visit came to you that day. Despite the initial discomfort, let the boy share that space with you, and from then on he seemed to forget more and more to study the afternoon before, and between an apology and another his lips ended up on yours during the  days, then his body came to tighten yours, until you both ended up out of breath. Kuroo absolutely loved your body, he couldn't help but slide his hands along your hips, feel your skin under his fingers and feel you shiver. And the same thing obviously applied to you too. There was something about him that attracted you so much that just seeing him and his little smirk made you feel that little pressure in your stomach.

Most often, it was used to relieve stress, a way to relieve anger or at other times you did it simply for fun. But you both knew there was something more, that didn't stop at simple sex. You spoke, laughed, joked, very often you made yourselves vulnerable to each other because you learned to trust.

For this reason, Kuroo couldn't stand to see you so calm in embracing, touching or kissing other boys, as if you weren't already meeting something with him.

And that day you had noticed. The usual calm and amused expression you saw every day on Kuroo's face was not there. It was replaced by a dark face, clenched teeth and steady gaze. You had never seen him like this, whatever had happened to him during those months that you had spent together secretly, that expression had never touched his face for even a second. Although he always joked and loved to provoke, he was a mature person and he knew how to behave on every occasion. But, at that moment, it seemed to you that he was seething in a silent but evident anger.

You saw him start climbing stairs quickly, without saying anything;  you were standing at their end and you couldn't wait any longer.

«Kuroo, is everything okay?»

No response, only his quick steps that had finished the stairs and approached you.

«Tetsu, you know you can tell me anything, righ―»

This time you were interrupted. Or at least, you had felt compelled to shut up the moment his subtle, chilling gaze met yours. «I just want to know what your intentions are with me, Y/N.»

Those words made you immobilize for a moment. Your intentions with him?  What was that supposed to mean? You couldn't think too much about that question since at that moment all your attention was devoted to trying to understand the reason for that behavior that came completely out of nowhere.

«I don't understand what you mean, really.» These are the only things you were able to formulate, and these made him advance even more, until you were forced to look up in order to be able to look him in the eye.

«I want to know how long I have to keep looking at you with other guys before I can afford to say anything about it. You understand it?» You could feel his deep breath, he didn't lose his temper easily and at that moment you really had to make him angry to get him to reduce himself to those conditions. You understood that it was simple jealousy, and that you probably should have expected it. You bit your lip, playing with the rubber band that you held on your wrist without being able to say anything at the time.

And that silence made him advance even more, forcing you to back away until you were with your back to the wall. One of his hands rested right next to your head and you found yourself holding your breath without even realizing it.

«Can you tell me, Y/N?» His gaze didn't go away from yours for even a second, although you couldn't see him, you felt his fingers crawl on the wall until he clenched his fist.

«Ayo, fuck this ― he blurted out in a moment, shooting away and spreading his arms, no longer able to hesitate ― Are we dating?  Are we fucking? Are we best friends? Are we something in between that?» You were so surprised, you looked down on him, seeing it that way you felt something inside you light up and you were sure you knew what it was. You cursed yourself for the wrong time. «I wish we never fucked, and I mean that!»

Those words would surely have left you stunned, you would have felt terribly bad since that sentence with his scratchy look could be a lethal combination, if it weren't for the fact that his gestures were showing quite the opposite of what he meant in words. Once again he approached you, this time trapping under him, both hands on the wall and the body so close that you could feel the fabric of his uniform touch you. His gaze alternated from your lips to your eyes countless times, even your breath was starting to heal, until he opened his mouth again. «But not really, I can't fucking resist you, shit.»

And a second later, his lips captured yours in a rough and almost violent kiss, his hands immediately fell on your hips so as to attract you to him suddenly. As a result you grabbed his shoulders, then your hand went up into his hair, sliding your fingers between the black locks. Your tongues met, starting a fierce and fast dance, and you managed to perceive a bulge in his pants when he hugged you even more, making you rub against his pelvis.

«That's what you want, isn't it? Then it will be what we will both have, what do you say?» He said panting once he broke away from the kiss due to lack of air, and didn't hesitate for a moment to resume with the kisses on your neck. His teeth grabbed one of your flaps of skin, biting and sucking until a purple spot appeared. He repeated this over and over again, earning whining from you that only encouraged him to give more. He didn't care who saw that in the least. This was his goal, he wanted anyone who was around you for ulterior motives to understand that he had to stop, since he was already there to deal with it.

«K-Kuroo, please..» You murmured, your eyes closed and your hands starting to tighten his hair. Only those warm kisses were enough to make you tighten your thighs to create some friction between them, you could no longer totally wait and, despite his anger, you felt how excited he too was from that situation.

«Ssh, you do want to be heard, kitten?» He whispered with a grin on his face, putting a hand on your cheek. His thumb started running down your lower lip as he rubbed his pelvis against yours, making you just gasp. His thumb slowly infiltrated between your lips, and you found yourself sucking him, bringing your gaze back to his eyes. «Well so, you're so used to it that you don't even realize what you're doing.» He muttered again, then quickly pulled his finger out of your mouth causing a 'boop'. Once again without saying anything, his hand quickly descended under your skirt, and his fingers slid across your folds above your underwear. «Already this wet for me, just after some kisses, are you?» He began to rub slowly and with firm pressure, looking up at you again. Your lips were slightly parted, your cheeks flushed and your nape leaning against the wall. How could he have resisted that sight? «Tetsu―» Again, a murmured prayer came out of your lips, and the pressure on your intimacy increased even more, until you squeezed his hand between your thighs. «Tell me what you want, Y/N.» He sang, the grin on his face that widened just as his skillful fingers moved the underwear to one side and resumed massaging your cunt. «I want you inside me, Kuroo, please!»  And at that adorable gasp, two fingers suddenly entered you, causing a small scream on your part. Kuroo started to move his fingers between your walls, gradually increasing speed and scissoring them every now and then. In recent months he had learned about your weaknesses, he knew where to touch to make you enjoy even more. He was a good observer and it hadn't served him much to know your most hidden sides, so once again he put into practice his innate talents, and he knew he was hitting the right points when his name came out of his lips more and more desperate and  more suffocated. And oh god, at that moment he would have shown a lot more with his own tongue if it hadn't been for the fact that there was very little time left.

«Cum for me, Y/N.  We're not done yet, you know.» Kuroo added another finger, speeding up his movements more and more while his thumb was massaging your clit at the same speed, and at that moment you seemed to not even see anymore. You rolled your eyes back, letting go of a loud moan as you came over his fingers. At that moment you thought that you would never be able to get tired of his fingers, but this wasn't enough.

When you recovered from your orgasm, your hand went down to his pants, unbuttoning them and tightly feeling his erection. Kuroo's breath cut and he had to hold back with all of himself not to bury his cock in your mouth, but his hand stopped you from continuing, grabbing your wrist. «No, kitten, we don't have time for this.» He whispered with a smirk, immediately making you turn away from him.  «Did I tell you not to make a noise, am I wrong?» He grabbed the edges of your skirt, pulling them down suddenly along with your underwear, so that you were left half naked. He approached, pulling out his throbbing cock and approaching your heat, rubbing the tip against your folds. «Make sure you shut up, hmm?» He said putting his hands under your shirt and going straight to your bra, pulling it down to reveal your breasts. You couldn't resist anymore, all you could do was beg him to fill you up at that moment, rubbing your pelvis against his. In a moment, without any hesitation, he slammed his pelvis against yours, threading his entire length up to your cervix. You had to put a hand on your mouth to stifle that scream that had threatened to run away, widening your eyes. As he started moving inside you, his big hands tightened on your breasts, then started playing with your hardened nipples. He had reduced you to a moaning mess, it was making you feel so good that you never wanted to stop. Soon, while with one hand he continued to tease your nipple, he carried the other on your neck, squeezing just so as to put your back on his still dressed chest. Kuroo's thrusts alternated from incredibly fast and noisy to make you lose your lucidity, to slow and hard enough to make you seem to be sinking into the wall. He had never fucked you like this, your quickies were always quiet since you had never experienced an angry Kuroo. You never imagined that, in those conditions, his way of doing things would change so quickly. At that moment, however, you didn't care. Your moans were getting harder to hide and Kuroo was realizing it, in fact it seemed to you that, precisely for this reason, he was increasing even more his strength until he made you want to scream. «Please, Tetsurō, please!» You knew you were going to reach your limit, and from the boy's slight gasps it seemed to be the same for him. Your fingers sank into his arm as you held one hand on the wall to hold on. At that gesture, the grip on your breast increased even more and you imagined that you would surely find the signs of that grasp, while the other hand went down on your hip to conduct the last pushes.

«Y/N, I'm gonna..» Kuroo began to stammer, but you interrupted him panting a simple: «Inside.» He knew that you were taking the pill and therefore he didn't have it repeated twice, in an instant you left one last scream and your walls tightened around his cock that throbbed incessantly. That was enough to make him release his liquid profusely inside you, your name on his lips.

«Fuck..» he murmured slightly, while his forehead rested on your back. Shortly thereafter, he turned you around, helping you lift your skirt up and fix it. A slight chuckle leaked from your lips as you shook your head. «You know that I have too a crush on you and that I wouldn't be doing it with anyone else, do you, Tetsu?» You asked chanting, making a smile appear on his lips but without receiving an answer to that statement.

«Hurry up, or you'll be late for class.»

a/n: to apologize for my absence, I decided to write something different and not requested by anyone. It's inspired by a quote taken from the song "Heartbeat" by Childish Gambino, you have probably heard it on TikTok as well. It's my first smut here, so I'm not so sure of the result, but I hope you like it anyway.

[myinnersoul1412]

Hatori Novel Smexy scene 1

I'm not good at drawing, and I'm good at writing either so I hope this could somewhat serve at a present for fellow Domestica fans on Hatori’s birthday

Please note that it's translated by Google translate + a few more translator+ some common sense or interpretation so please take it with a grain of salt. I don't know Japanese beyond the basic characters but I'm just doing it because I love them so much

Even though the translation probably sucks, please don’t bring it anywhere since I spent a ton of time on it and just want to share.

Prior to this scene, Hatori and Yoshino were on a date at to collect materials for the manuscript. The setting is on Christmas’eve. They went to a Chinese restaurant to eat together, and while the food was good, Yoshino commented that Tori’s food was still better. During the meal, Hatori had to step outside for a work phone call because a newbie author (female, 2nd year college) wanted to ask his opinion on her storyboard.

Funny note: Hatori hated taking pictures but still posed as models for Yoshino to take pics anyway. 

Some touching lines:

Speaking of the real intention, it is not without thinking that this convenient dream will be awakened by the sudden impetus. The end may come someday, but I'm still going to enjoy this happiness. Even if this comes to an end some day, now that you have enjoyed all this happiness, even if you wake up from a dream, you will never forget it.

(If I say this to Yoshino, the him from way before would have been stunned **)

He secretly smiles at his self-ridicule. Of course, he wants to be with Yoshino his whole life.

As long as he’s allowed to be by his side, he’s not going to leave.It's just that that feeling and his wish for Yoshino's happiness are a little different. In the unlikely event that Hatori’s presence could be a burden or have a negative effect, he intends to behave accordingly. It is a commandment to himself.

This smexy scenes comes after their date. Enjoy!

Because this year progress is not desperate, there are no assistants coming in and out, and Yanase should be stuck at the seinenshi’s sensei place.(T/N: magazine for young men)

 “Well then. Don't stay up late today and go to bed early. Good luck with the manuscript tomorrow”  

“…………”

For some reason, Yoshino didn't try to step out, even though Hatori tried to see him off at the branch road to his home. On the contrary, he was pinching Hatori’s coat and holding it down.

“Yoshino?”

Yoshino’s cheeks that were looking down were slightly red. It didn't look like he was drunk, but could it be the afterglow of alcohol? 

“------You know. Normally, you wouldn’t go home on a day like this?”

“?”

 He didn't understand what Yoshino was saying, and the former had a perplexed face. In response to such a dull reaction from Hatori, Yoshino stamped his feet on the ground.

 “So! You're back from a date!”

 I looked(T/N: look, but with eyes wide open) at Yoshino who raised his voice frustratingly. I couldn’t hide the surprise that Yoshino also perceived today as a date.  

 “What’s with that face! Even though you can add embarrassing scenes to a plot, what do you mean you can't do it in real life……”

 Yoshino murmured the dissatisfying words. I rubbed my eyes to see if I was having a convenient dream, but it seemed to be reality.

 “I want to confirm, that is to say ---”

 “Read the mood in times like this!”

 He held his breath against Yoshino who glared at him with a red face.  

 (This is……is it okay to accept the invitation……?)

 In retrospect, today's Yoshino was somewhat strange from the beginning. I wondered if it might even snow, but I would be troubled if he got angry.  

 “Can I stay the night?”

 “………”

 When asked straight, Yoshino dyed red to his neck and nodded a little.  

Both of them were silent on their way to Yoshino’s room. Every step I took made me feel more nervous. My body temperature gradually rose, even though the cold night breeze was brushing my cheeks.

“Ah? Where did I put the key?”

 Yoshino panicked in front of the room. He was just looking at the pockets in his coat and trousers, and he seemed to be forgetting the bag on his shoulder.  

 “Is it there in your bag pocket?”

 “R-right”

 The fingers that opened the zipper were trembling. Yoshino, who had no sense of control, dropped the key. The sound of bumpy metal crashed into the hallway.

 “I'll open it”

 Hatori picked up the key and opened the front door. At that moment, Yoshino felt small and seemed to be holding his breath.  

 “Thank- thank you”

 Open the door and encourage Yoshino to enter first. Yoshino’s movement walking in front of me started to feel more jerky.  

 “Um, do you want something to drink?”

 The voice which asked the question was trembling too. Even though I was just nervous, it seemed like Yoshino's tension was infectious.  

 I guessed I should have gotten used to it, since we had already done it so many times, but I didn’t want to look so dismayed in front of the person I liked.

 “No”

 “Ah, then how about a shower?

 “……Ah”

 His pink nape caused the little amount of reason remaining in me to give away. I held Yoshino’s shoulders, turned him around, and strongly kissed him.

 “Nnn……?”

 Perhaps surprised by Hatori's brute force, Yoshino’s eyes were wide open. However, immediately, the body’s tension was released and his eyelids lowered.  Eating his lips and twisting his tongue, Yoshino put his hands on Hatori's back. As the kiss deepened, the more they clung into each other.(T/N: literal translation is “the stronger the clinging force became”)

 “Nnn,n,nn……”

Embracing Yoshino's body, which was gradually melting, I became absorbed and devoured his lips. Every time I entangled my tongue, I heard a wet sound. I teased his tongue which was trying to entangle awkwardly, and enjoyed the mouth that was hotter than usual. I wanted to continue more, but when I noticed Yoshino who seemed to be suffocating, I broke the kiss with the feeling that my back hair was getting pulled.  

“……Stupid, we're still in the hallway”

Yoshino complained while being out of breath. Hatori strongly pulled Yoshino’s waist, who was glaring up at him with flushed cheeks, and whispered into his ear.  

 “It’s your fault for stirring me up(t/n: to stir up, to incite, to agitate). And you were responding, too”

 “That, that was just conditioned reflex……”

 “Is that so?”

 “What do you want to say!”

 “I didn’t say anything”

 “There's something written all over your face”  

 It was a sulking look, but there was sweetness in the gaze (T/N: not very sure about this part). Towards Yoshino who showed a sullen face due to the embarrassment, sadistic desires were aroused.

 “What is written, can you tell me carefully?”

 “Eh?-----Uwa”

 Heading to the bedroom while holding the waist, they fell into the bed entangled together.

 “Oi Tori----------”

 Fueled by Yoshino's moist eyes, he kissed him again as if he was being sucked in. He repeated the devouring kisses and ran his hands over Yoshino's clothes. While sighing and moaning into the sealed kiss, I pinned down and felt around/groped the thin body. Rolling up the inner knitwear, I touched his bare skin.

 I managed to get rid of the coat, and I was frustrated by the difficulty of movement while loosening the belt, and realized that I had not even taken off my jacket yet.

 (I really can't afford it)

 Internally, Hatori laughed bitterly at his impatience. He roughly stripped off his coat and jacket, which normally would have been dutifully hung, and pulled out his tie.  

 “Hey, slow down a bit………”

 “I can't”

 “Then try harder!”

If you answered immediately, you would get a retort from Yoshino. When I stroked around the area where Yoshino’s ribs had previously floated, Yoshino stirred under Hatori. It was still a bit thin, but it had gained a lot of flesh after all my daily efforts.

 “I'm deeply moved/very emotional that I've come to be able to grab it”

 “Oi, hey, don’t rub it……!”

 When Hatori grabbed his side, Yoshino wriggled ticklishly.  

“Then, how about here?”  

“Hya—”

He moved his hand further up, gently stroked the tip of his chest with the pad of his thumb, and then crushed it, a shrill voice escaped Yoshino's lips.The ticklish Yoshino was sensitive here too. When stimulated, it easily hardened. 

“Ah, mmm, ouch, stupid, not so hard”

 “You like it when it hurts, don't you?”  

 When you pinched it, the body jumped.

 “Ahh, n,nnn……!”

 When I knead it with some strength, it reddened like a fruit, and Yoshino rubbed his knees together as if frustrated. It looked like his nipples weren’t the only things getting hard.  

 When I forcibly split his knees and pressed my leg against his groins, I felt a hard tantalizing touch.

 “Ugh.... ah, wait, ah, ah”

 Rubbing it with your thigh made it even more tense. Hatori pushed down Yoshino's pants, which had been loosened at the waist. His underwear had changed color at some parts.

 “You're already wet”

 When I told him the fact, Yoshino turned red to his ears.  

 “W-Well, I'm not the only one... ah”

 “Maybe so”  

 “Ah……!?”

 He ran his index finger over the elastic of Yoshino’s underwear and lightly pulled it down, revealing a taut member. Hatori traced up the warped underside and scooped the moistened tip with his fingertips.

 “Ahh, ah………”

 When I wrapped my fingers around the whole cock and rubbed it gently, Yoshino let out a sweet and seductive/mellow voice. His appearance when clutching the bedsheet and enduring the pleasure was lovely.

 (How cute/How lovely)  

 He was usually sloppy, and he was quick to whine, but at the root of Yoshino's character is a stubbornness that hated to lose. Once he had made a decision, no matter what, he was not going to change it.

 “Yoshino, take that off”

 “Get ready first, you idiot...”

 While rebuking Hatori, Yoshino reached into a drawer on the sideboard. He found what he was looking for, and embarrassed to present something that could be used on him, he carelessly pressed it against my chest.  

 “Thank you”

 The bottle of lotion and the box of contraceptives that he had ready were new. I wondered what kind of expression did Yoshino buy these things with.

Resisting the urge to pursue the answer, I took the content in the palm of my hand. Making sure to squeeze it and spread it all over my fingers, I wrapped around his excitement again.  

 “Hya……ah,ah……!”

 When I made it slimy up and down, Yoshino's moan became even sweeter. After making it feel as tight as it could be, I probed behind with my wet fingers.  

 “Mmm,mm”

Yoshino sighed when I forcibly pushed my fingertips into the tightly closed place. He didn’t realize that he was tightening his limbs, but I pushed my fingers deeper and deeper.

 “Ngh,nghh……”

 Yoshino clenched his teeth as he endured the sensation of being probed inside his body.  It was not originally designed to accept foreign substances, but he slowly got used to it as lotion was added several times along the way.  Every time I pulled my finger in and out, a lewd squelching sound was heard.  

 “Ah…ah,ah……mm”

Yoshino's hands wandered around on the bed looking for something to cling to. Eventually, he grabbed a pillow and pulled it over to bury his face in it. Realizing that he didn’t want to let out his voice, I moved my fingers even more.  

 “Ah, ah, ah……!”  

 With increased fingers, I pushed hard against the inner wall and Yoshino's body jumped like a fish on land. I could tell that he was getting pleasure from the melting moans/charming moans.  

 I already knew all of Yoshino’s sensitive spots. I couldn’t afford to tease him today. Just tortured severely the spots where he would surely react.  

 “No, not only there, ahhh, ah!”  

 Yoshino wasn’t negative/contradictory about getting pleasure, but when he felt too good, he suddenly got scared.  I could understand the uneasiness of feeling like I was no longer myself. But I had no intention of toning it down.(T/N: other possible meanings: keeping it moderate/mild)

 “Aahh, no, ah, ah----!?”  

 The root of the arousal that was about to burst was tightened and the i that would have been risen was suppressed. Yoshino, who was going to be released, stared at Hatori with an agitated expression/ in turmoil.  

 “W-why……”  

 “You can hold it a bit more right?”  

 If I made him come first on a tiring day, he often fell asleep immediately after that. As expected, it would be a problem if that were to happen today.  I was already painfully tense. It wouldn’t be easy to take care of it alone.  

 “You have to take responsibility for the invitation”

 “Ahh……”  

 As I pulled out the fingers that were probing inside, a sweet, trembling voice escaped. I had feared it might still be a little tight, but my patience had already reached the limit.  

 “Are you ready?”(T/N: “Is it okay?”)

 “……Do whatever you want”(T/N: ……Suit yourself”)  

 With Yoshino's permission, I pushed open his knees. I restlessly loosened my waist and pulled my excited self out from the underwear.  I quickly put on the condom and when I fit into the prepared spot, the body temperature and pulsation were transmitted vividly.

 “Ah------”  

 I pushed the tip in with a huff. Running out of patience, I shoved in mercilessly.  Although it was still narrow/tight as he thought, but it had already learned Hatori’s shape and accepted him without refusal.  

 I secretly let out a sigh from the pleasure of being wrapped in the soft mucous membrane.

 “Nghh……why……why is it so big……ngh”  

 Yoshino glared at me resentfully with teary eyes. This might be more of a whining rather than a complaint. I was embarrassed to be complained about the body’s physiological reaction. It wasn’t something that could be controlled by reason.  

 “Of course it's because I want you. There isn’t any guy who’s not excited about holding someone he loves”  

“Idiot ......ngh”

 It was unreasonable to be spit a verbal abuse at like that even though I answered his question. In a fit of anger, I forcefully pushed it to the root, and cloudy whiteness was scattered by the momentum/impetus/force.

 “Ahh……ngh”

 He seemed to have come just by stimulation at the back because he was made to endure it earlier. The bodily fluid overflowing from the explosion was scattered across the thin abdomen.

 “I didn't say that you could come first right?”

 “B-but……”

 I wiped the overflowing bodily fluids with my fingers and treat Yoshino's arousal as if to smear it. I rubbed it hard, and it got tighter there with Hatori inside.

 “Ahh, ah, no, I’m going to come again……”

 “That won’t do. It's better if we come together right?”

 “Yeah ... but ...ngh”

 “You can't hold it for me?”

 “Meany Tori……Uh, ah, ah, nghh, ngh!”  

 What Yoshino said not to do was the same as what he said he wanted you to do. The reaction inside changed depending on the intensity of the stimulus. As I was enjoying the change, I was complained to by Yoshino, who was on the verge of tears.

“No, idiot, don't play anymore……ngh”  

 “You want me to focus more here?”

 “Ahngh!?”  

 I gave a hard shove at the place where our bodies connected.  

 “No, ahhh, ah, ah……ngh”

 I put myself into the root and shook up our connected bodies. Every time I sent my hips in, Yoshino's body jolted and trembled. I grabbed Yoshino's waist and held him up, bending his back heavily, and stirred his lotion-soaked wet insides mercilessly.

 “Ahhngh, ahh, no……ngh”  

While greedily gouging out the tangled mucous membranes, I drilled into the back again and again. When I sent my hip into the right place, Yoshino gasped as if to cry. That voice and expression further fueled Hatori. Hatori threw off his self-control and thrust up Yoshino in his lust.

 “Agh,ahh,ahhng,aah!”  

 At first, Yoshino was at my mercy, but gradually he started to move. It was unintentional, and probably unconscious. It was a pleasure that flew off all reasons, and he was trying to get more of it. Even if it was an act of instinct, it didn’t change what the expectation was.

 What Yoshino wanted, I just gave him exactly that

 (--------I’m really sly/cunning)  

 Every time I hold Yoshino like this, I felt indescribable elation and guilt.

All Yoshino must have had for Hatori, until the later revealed his hidden lust, were the feelings of comfort, friendship, and trust of a childhood friend. There might have been some sort of monopoly, but it probably wasn't that of love. I dragged Yoshino to this side, imposed my not-so-pretty desires on him, and instilled lust.

Even if Yoshino had had such experience, it was with the opposite sex and he was not in the receiving position. As a man, there must have been some confusion for him. Nevertheless, it was thanks to his generosity that he had accepted the position of being embraced on the receiving end.

He might not be aware of it himself, but Yoshino was the one who had the gut when the time came. Hatori's prudence was a mask to hide his mean, negative and cowardly self.

 “Ah! Not there, no, aghn, ah, aghn!”

 "Can't you say anything other than denial once in a while?"

 “Sh-shut up…..nghh”

 When I pointed out his lack of vocabulary, he glared at me with moist eyes. He usually had a face that didn’t seem to have anything to do with sexual things. But when he was embraced, he had such a face, so I couldn’t stand it. As I repeatedly thrust into the back, the connected part became loose. At that moment, I pulled myself out as much as I could and pushed it in.

 “Aaahhh……ngh”

With each extraction, the voice that spilled out became sweeter and sweeter. As I continued to gouge out the tightly-clung inner walls, Yoshino's face became distorted with pleasure.

 “You like it here right?”

“Yes, it feels good……nghh”  (T/N: Alternative: I like it. It feels good)

The reason why I deliberately asked the question when reason had failed was because I could hear an honest answer now.

 “Here?”  

 “Ughahh, ah,ah, ah….ngh”

 Yoshino, who was writhing and gasping, was driven even harder. When he squirmed and swayed, the thin body slid up on the bed.  

 “No, nghh, agnh, ah, ah……!”

Vigorously pulling his hips closer and thrusting even deeper. Yoshino also tangled his legs around Hatori's waist and clung to his back.  His lips came close to mine as if a pleading from Yoshino. Biting and kissing, I devoured on the impulse/urge.

 “Nn,n,n,nn……ngh”

 As I rocked my hips with our bodies close together, Yoshino's erection, which was overflowing with semen, rubbed against my abdomen. It seemed that the limit was already in sight.

When I parted my lips, there was a face right there that looked like it was about to burst into tears.

 “Tori……ngh, already, I’m coming, please……nghh”

In the blink of an eye, a single tear fell from Yoshino's eyes. I thought I'd tease him more, but I changed my mind on that expression.

“I know”

 Immediately, I increased the pace and caught up with Yoshino.  

 “Ahh, ahh, ah……ngh”  

 “-------Chiaki”

 “AH-----!?”

After an intense urging, they came almost simultaneously. Yoshino's lower abdomen quivered intermittently, overflowing with white turbidity.

 “Ah, nn……ngh”

 Then, after Hatori poured all the proof of his desire into Yoshino, he also pulled himself out. We remained silent, waiting for the heat to recede from our bodies. As I closed my eyes and surrendered to the pleasant exhaustion, Yoshino opened his mouth with rough breathing.

“……I've been meaning to tell you this for a while”

“Hm?”

“It’s foul play to call my name like that!”

Yoshino caught his breath, then paused, and grudgingly complained in Hatori's ear.

Personal notes: Hatori’s monologue is so sad omgg...the scene is like both sexy and hurt at the same time...what a writer

[valatheapprentice]

Half of Me

Asra talking to valas father after the ritual. Just for some clarity, he still loves his little girl, its just his beliefs are strong and resurrection is a big no no to him.

2 more stories to come with her dad to come because ideas

Day 13: after math (@arcana-echoes )

I stare at the knotted wood of the door infront of me. The air around me feels worlds away. My skin feels so foreign to me as I build up the courage to knock on his door. My cheeks turn to ice as I glance to the road behind me. I could go back. I could avoid telling him. I just can't run the risk of him running up to her if he sees her. My heart pounds violently as my shaking hands rap against the wood.

My poorly reversed lines lump in my throat as footsteps make their way to the door. My arms cling around my empty stomach as he appears in front of me. Though his beard frames a bubble of a smile, his eyes meet mine in an exhausted grief. His shoulders slouch in the slightest before he addresses me. "Hey. Its been a while."

My voice tries to slip away from me as we share a familial hug. "Yeah..." I force out a chuckle as I pull from him. My eyes dart from my feet to the starry sky. "Couldn't sleep much and thought you'd be up to chat some." After a moment of considerable hesitation. He steps aside, welcoming me in to the once familiar home.

I step into the cluttered home, the warm tone walls dimmed as a single lamp dusts the room with anxiety. The door shuts behind us. Though I face away from him, the air between us thickening as he eventually breaks the silence. "I'm not gonna lie, Asra," I turn to briefly meet his gaze. His discomfort plain on his face, he shifts in his spot and hides his hands in his pockets. "I, uh, I wasn't expecting to see you. It's kind of out of the blue, huh?"

His voice pierces through me. I can barely look at him with out my chest turning to stone. I cant imagine what he must see when he looks at me. I swallow the lump in my throat in vain. "Yeah. Sorry about this...."

He sighs and gestures towards a chair. "You need to talk. It dont take a magician to see that." After a heart beat, I let myself sink into the cushioned seat. Dread slowly builds over the frustration, pain, and excitement over the last few months. It all hangs heavy over my lips as I avoid his eyes. "We haven't talked in well over a year, son. Whats been going on?"

I force out a deep breath, nodding to myself. Just say it. Let it out. Don't beat around the bush. I look towards him with a cold smile. "Well. As you know, the plagues gone now. I was at the palace helping with that, then been helping..." I let put a forced laugh and rub my hands together. "Well. Helping Vala... readjust... to life again..."

He stares at me, his empty eyes clouded in confusion. His forehead furrows as he leans forward in the chair next to me. "Wait. What are you talking about. You and I both know that she..." His breaking voice trailing off.

"She is alive..." I force out on a whisper. Gods, I know he's still heart broken. I may have lost my love, but the man lost his daughter. I'm starting to wish I hadn't had come, but it needs to be done. "A lot's happened and-"

"Shes... alive?" He nearly shouts. He runs his hand through his hair as he blinks at me. "Well, where the hell you been hiding her?" He says with a astounded laugh.

I only now realize how unprepared I am for this. Looking at him, his eyes tearing up as his cheeks redden from his smile, how do I tell him this? "She's home. At the shop." My voice strained to be heard.

He stands up with out warning. "What are we waiting for then? Let's go!" He runs to the coat rack as I stand up behind him.

"No!" I shout.

He looks back to me, an eyebrow raised. "What do you mean no? I hear my girl is a live after thinking she was dead all this time, and I cant see her?"

I rake my fingers through my tangled locks as I look at him thoughtfully. "Well. She has been dead. I went there..."

Anger starts to haze through him as his takes a step closer. "Then what the hell do you mean shes alive?" He looks me over and his eyes widen. "Asra. What the hell did you do?"

I try to swallow the anxiety and fold my arms over me. "Well. After going there, and meeting with you once we found out, I just. Kept losing my mind. Replaying the last things we said to eachother and rereading her letter. I mean. She died because of my fucking pride..." Tears pool around the edges of my eyes as I look at the floor. "I couldn't let it go. Not with out trying to bring her back... but I couldn't afford what it would take to do the ritual. So I went to the palace, telling everyone I was there to help find a cure. I heard a rumor that the count was looking into making a deal. So I pretended to get close, casually mentioned I knew a ritual and let it seem like it was his idea. I cant remember anything that happened during that night. Just that something went wrong on his end and I had given her half of my heart. Now he's dead and she's here... She just... can't remember anything that happened before she woke up. "

I look up to face the horror in his eyes. "You..." Shaking his head, he paces for a moment. My heart drops as the palm of his hand slams into a nearby bookshelf, knocking over a picture frame of Vala from when she was a child. He takes a deep, shaking breath. "Damn it! What the hell is wrong with you?"

His voice cuts deep, forcing me to take a step back. "What do you mean? Shes alive again!"

"She's suppose to be dead! She made sure of that!" He shouts, surprising himself. "The dead needs to stay dead. Or you'll bring back something else."

Anger rises in my chest as I stare at him. "But she wasn't suppose to be-"

"Don't you think I know that?" His voice rises. "Your not the only one who misses her."

"We don't have to anymore." The desperation grows beneath my throat. "She's here! It may take a bit but she's here!"

"I don't know who you brought back, but that's not my daughter." He stares at me intently. "She didn't even know her name. How can you possibly say its her?"

My heart is beating so fast, I feel out of breath. "She's still there! If you just talk to her-"

"Are you out of your mind?" He shouts. "I've mourned her for a long time now. And you want me to meet someone with her face, her voice..." his voice trails off as it wavers.

My eyes burn as I close them. My mouth twists in disgust. "So thats it? You're not even going to try?"

He buries his head in his hands, his fingers curling into his forehead as he let's out a jagged breath. They soon fall carelessly to his sides as defeat plagues his face. "I think you need to leave.." He says, just barely above a whisper as his tear stained eyes fall to the ground absently. I scoff, making my way to the door, my hands shaking from disbelief. Just as I open it, the ghost of his voice rings in my ears. "If... if she does remember, let me know... please."

[discourteouscuttlefish]

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: 僕のヒーローアカデミア | Boku no Hero Academia | My Hero Academia Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead/Yamada Hizashi | Present Mic, Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead & Yamada Hizashi | Present Mic, Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead & Kayama Nemuri | Midnight Characters: Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead, Yamada Hizashi | Present Mic, Kayama Nemuri | Midnight Additional Tags: oboro is mentioned often but not in it, post bnha vigilantes ch 64, Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, i crave some emotional dealings and closure that the canon will NEVER give me, please let these boys provide emotional support to one another, they both think the other one blames them what a classic Summary:

Shouta has thrown himself into his training after Oboro's death, dedicated to making sure that he never fails another person he could have saved. Kayama, however, strongly disagrees with this coping method, as well as, his lack of willingness to go talk to Hizashi about it.

Wow wrote this fic like the tenderoni I am over the span of like, more time than it should have taken me!

The sun was just starting to dip below the tree line, illuminating the UA grounds in crimson light as Shouta finally decided to call it quits for the night.  He’d started to push his training time later and later into the night.  His parents hadn’t seemed bothered or seemed to notice at all for that matter; he supposed even if they had noticed the change in his training habits, this was time he’d previously spent hanging out with Oboro so it was no less time at home than usual.  Oboro, who was no longer with him because Shouta had failed to act with the necessary quickness.  Shouta had vowed that would never be the case again, and his improvements in his hero courses furthered his dedication to train as much as possible during his time at UA.

Typically, he had the training grounds to himself in the evenings, especially as he moved further into the woods.  He preferred it that way; no distractions, no one trying to socialize, just pure training.  This evening, however, he spotted another figure moving through the trees making a beeline for the clearing he was using to train.  Though he could still only see the form’s silhouette in the diminishing evening light he could tell they were moving with determination and purpose.

Hopefully looking for someone else, he thought. It took a while to find a spot I wouldn’t be found or stumbled on.

Unfortunately, as the shadow emerged from the tree line, it revealed itself to be Nemuri.  Shouta considered briefly that she may have timed her entrance because the shadows and last rays of red light highlighting her face certainly emphasized her aggravated facial expression.

“You’re here awfully late, Kayama.”  He said, opting to ignore her expression and begin packing up his things instead.

I’m really not in the mood for another ‘intervention’ about my ‘coping mechanisms,’ as though that’s anyone’s business.

“What’s your problem?” She shot her first question at him with such force that he paused.  That had not been what he’d expected.

“I... I’m not sure what you’re talking about...”

“Is this what you’re doing now? You don’t have time for anyone else? Morning, you train until class. Lunch, you train. Evening, you train. Weekends, you train.  Is that all you’re going to do?  Fuck the rest of us, I guess we never get to see you?”  Nemuri was yelling, almost frantically, hands gesturing wildly as though trying to find an outlet to release her anger and frustration.

Shouta felt anger build inside him in response, why was this so hard for everyone to understand? Why couldn’t everyone leave him be?

“Yes. This is what I’m doing now... I watched my friend die in front of me,” his hands were clenched at his side and he could feel tears welling in his eyes.  He cursed his eyes for betraying his anger and his grief. “He died because I wasn’t ready, but that’s never going to happen again.  I’m not going to watch anyone die when I could prevent it.  I’m sorry you don’t like how I’m dealing with it but that’s not my problem!”

Shouta was yelling now.  Tears still pricking his eyes he can feel his face start to heat up, grateful now that night had fallen, and she hopefully couldn’t see he red face.

“And I don’t see why you’re so upset, it’s not like we were hanging out all the time before anyway.  Most of the time I’m spending here I would have spent with Shirakumo...”

“And Hizashi.”

“... What?”

Nemuri had gone completely still.  She may have been largely obscured by the darkness of the moonless night, but he could feel her eyes boring into his.

“And Hizashi.” She repeated punctuating each word.

His blood ran cold.  All at once, the darkness and the chill of the early spring night caught up to him as he considered how to respond.  If he was being honest, he’d been avoiding Hizashi outside of class and their classroom interaction was a necessity based their seat proximity but he’d kept in short and polite. The reasons had been numerous and, in Shoutas mind, logical.  One was that Shouta desperately wanted to avoid Hizashi trying to talk to him about how he was feeling or coping.  Shouta knew what he needed and wanted to do; he needed to get better, he needed to train and improve and learn from his failure.  He was tired of everyone telling him he should take a break and recover.  It was his mind, his grief, he knew how to get better and no one could understand that better than him.

The second had been the obvious side effect of his new routine.  Hizashi was a social person, if he’d been with Shouta training he’d certainly have wanted to talk and distract Shouta and steer him to some other more exciting activity.  He couldn’t afford that.

The third was perhaps less logical and more emotional, how could he look his friend in the eye after having let their other close friend die?

Shouta wasn’t dumb, he knew she wanted to know exactly that, why was he avoiding Hizashi?  Yet, under her intense gaze he felt unable to verbalize any of his reasons.  He’d never been good at sharing what he felt and why.  He could tell, however, she was not going to move or continue until he said something.

“He seems like he’s doing fine to me.  He was back to being the social butterfly within a month, I’m sure he can find better people to spend time with.  I don’t know why he’d want to hang out with me anyway.”

He could tell instantly that he’d said the wrong thing.

“Why can’t you two ever just talk...” she’d whispered it, but in the silence that had fallen over them she may as well have screamed it in his face.

“He’s not okay.” Her voice was measured, as though she was putting a great deal of effort into keeping it steady.  “He’s not. Okay.  I’m worried about him, and you should be too.  I’m worried he’s going to close himself to everyone and I don’t know what it will take for him to open up again... you think he’s strong because he can run around smiling all the time pretending nothing is wrong, but he’s not.  It’s the opposite.  He doesn’t know how to share the burden.  Somewhere along the way he learned to close his true feelings off and just show what he thinks the world wants from him.  But it can’t work forever, somethings going to break someday...”

Shouta felt his limbs growing numb and he was unsure if it was the cold or the creeping dread inside him.

“.. how am I supposed to help him? How do you even know he wants to see me?”

“Fuck, Shouta, he doesn’t need you to be his therapist, he needs you to be his friend!”

“I doubt he even still wants to be my friend...”

Kayama‘s eyes locked on him once more... she regarded him carefully, her face changing from confusion to recognition.

“You think he blames you for Oboro...”

He averted his gaze, finding an interesting patch of grass to study.

Kayama sighed, running her hand through her hair.

“Listen... I can promise you two things.  One, Hizashi absolutely does not believe that.  Two, he definitely wants to see you... more like needs to see you... The rest of your feelings you need to work out together, I won’t be the middleman for everything.”

She closed the gap between them and placed her hands on either of his shoulders.

“Please, go talk to him... for both your sakes.”

Shouta turned his head back towards her, gaze still firmly planted on the ground.  After a moment he looked up and gave her a nod.

Finally, she seemed to relax, she spun on her heel wrapping her arm around his shoulder, leading him back toward UA.

“Thank you.  Now please, let’s get out of here before I freeze to death.”

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shouta had dragged out his post-training shower for as long as he could justify but finally, he found himself walking the familiar route to Hizashi’s house.  He wished he could do something about the tightening knot in his stomach.  Every train and bus station he passed he fought the urge to just break off his path and head home.

Soon, he found himself outside a familiar home.  He felt the knot tighten once more as he noted that all the lights appeared to be on.  It was nearly 830 pm and in the back of his mind he’d hoped they would all be out and he could justify leaving so as not to disturb the rest of the Yamada family.  But, as he reminded himself, it was a Friday and no one in the home had work or school to worry about.

He stood outside their door for what felt like an eternity, staring at the pale grain of the wooden door.  After a minute, he willed himself to ring the doorbell, still hoping that no one would answer. He was quickly greeted by the familiar face of Hizashi’s mother.  Shouta tried not to flinch at her emphatic signing as he was ushered into the house.  He felt the knot tighten; she seemed a little too relieved to see him.

Shouta realized that, lost in his introspection, he’d entirely failed to process what she’d been signing to him.  Granted, she’d signed with such speed and enthusiasm he may have had a hard time fully following it even not lost in thought.

Sorry, I’m tired, would you mind again slower? He returned in slow, unsure signs.  He’d picked up quite a bit if he’d say so himself; Hizashi always laughed and said he’d give Shouta credit for his technical signing but deduct points until he could add in appropriate facial expressions to make his JSL complete.  Shouta would like to say his lack of expressiveness was his big hangup now but really he’d never been the language savant Hizashi had and he could feel the holes in his knowledge where what he’d learned had slipped away since he’d not had cause to practice signing over the last few months.

It’s okay!  We’ve missed you! I hope you are doing well it’s been quite some time.  Is Hizashi expecting you?

No.  Is he here? Where is everyone?  Now he was just stalling.  He hoped his lack of expression wasn’t making him seem curt.

She gave him a curious look but her smile quickly returned and she resumed signing, My wife’s in America for work, always traveling!  The girls are in the kitchen.  Hizashi is upstairs in the room you can go up.

He could see Hizashi’s three older sisters peering down the hall curiously at them.  The youngest two seemed happy enough to see him, the oldest was somewhere on the fence between uncertainty and disapproval.  She’d always been a mama bear, even more so than her mothers.  He averted his gaze from them and looked up the stairs.

He signed ok with a nod and made his way up the stairs.  The hallway that connected most of the bedrooms was, as always, brightly lit, brightly colored, and adorned with more pictures, paintings, and knick-knacks then he thought any house in Japan probably had spread across its entirety.  The only thing out of the ordinary was the silence.  The Yamada’s house was generally quieter than most homes since a majority of the communication was done via sign.  However, this particular hallway was typically home to the sound of Hizashi blasting music at a just north of comfortable volume.  Shouta often said he wished the other would be quieter, but in this moment he found he didn’t appreciate the others silence as much as he’d thought.

He gently knocked on the door he knew to belong to his friend.  After some minor rustling behind the door it opened to a familiar face.

Hizashi looked... tired.  Surprised to see Shouta, but more than anything tired.  It was strange to see the blonde without any product or work in his hair, it was just held back by a simple head band.  In general he was lacking his normal luster.  Shouta wondered perhaps if Hizashi had looked this off at school and he had not noticed.

They stared at each other awkwardly for an eternal minute.

“... hey.” Shouta said dumbly.

Hizashi’s eyes widened and he made a vague erratic gesture in Shouta’s direction signaling him to wait.  He ran back into his room, making a beeline to his hearing aids sitting out on the desk.  Shouta made no move to follow him in, waiting awkwardly just outside the door wringing his hands.  He’d been in this room a hundred times, but he couldn’t break through the feeling that he had no right to cross the threshold.  A feeling that felt infinitely worse when Hizashi looked back in his direction seeming to have expected him to follow and been disappointed he had not.  At least Shouta thought that it had looked like disappointment.  He felt a little on edge about the ambiguity, normally Hizashi wore his heart on his sleeve and was one of the few people Shouta had no problem reading.  Right now, the blonde’s expressions were subtle and vague, Shouta had a hard time making it out, especially over that big, fake smile Hizashi had just forced back onto his face.

“Haha sorry about that, what’s up? I wasn’t... expecting you...” Hizashi threw up some equally unconvincing finger guns to go with his wide grin.  Shouta doubted this display would even be strong enough to convince their loosest acquaintances.

“I just wanted to see you... how you were doing that is...” Shouta hated how awkward it sounded, he wished he could communicate his feeling normally.

“How I’m...? Well I’m fine! Of course, I’m fine!”

Shouta averted his eyes and dropped his hands to his side clenching and unclenching them. God, he wished Nemuri was here.  She had no problem expressing what she felt and what she thought others were feeling.  He felt himself starting to get frustrated as he tried to figure out how he would get the other to open up.  He had never considered that he’d be on this side of the conversation, normally it was Hizashi who was weaseling his way into Shouta’s thoughts.

“Are you ok?  It’s not like you to drop by unplanned and started talking about feelings haha…”

“Please stop.”

Hizashi was taken aback.  “Stop... what?”

Shouta looked back up to meet the other’s eyes.

“Please stop pretending you’re fine.  I think I know you well enough to know a fake smile, or are you so done with me that’s all I get now.”

Hizashi’s expressing quickly changed from shock to anger, something Shouta has never been on the receiving end of from the blonde before.

“I’m done with you?  I’m not the one who spends every waking hour running away from everyone to train in the woods!  I can barely say two sentences to you before you run out of the classroom every day.”  As he spoke, his volume increased to just above a normal volume and Shouta involuntarily flinched.  Hizashi recoiled and mumbled and apology looking down at his feet.

Shouta was really wishing he hadn’t come.

“Look, I get that you don’t want to hang out with me anymore...” Fat tears had started spilling from Hizashi’s eyes, he desperately rubbed at them beneath his glasses.  “Hearing my voice is probably just one more reminder of that building collapsing, even I can’t use my own quirk without the memory of it bringing down the building on Oboro replaying again and again.”

Ah. Shouta finally understood what Nemuri had meant.  Hizashi didn’t blame Shouta for Oboro’s death, he thought that Shouta blamed him for it.  He felt wretched, but he also felt like a massive weight had been lifted from his shoulders.  He felt tears begin to run down his own face.

Finally, he crossed into the bedroom and wrapped his arms around Hizashi, who tensed in his arms.  Shouta wasn’t big on physical contact, but he knew Hizashi was and he didn’t think he minded it so much if it was with Hizashi.

“I don’t think it’s your fault, Hizashi,” he mumbled onto the blonde’s chest. “I was afraid.  Afraid of being too weak to save others... afraid that you would see that I was too weak to save Oboro...”

Hizashi choked on a sob and finally released the tension he was holding and returned Shouta’s embrace.  He buried his face in Shouta’s hair.

Sniffling for a little while longer, Hizashi finally managed to compose himself.

“That’s pretty stupid.” He half laughed in a raspy voice.

Shouta snorted, “You’re pretty stupid.”

“Maybe so.”

Shouta finally pulled away and looked his friend in the face.  “We are having basically our first emotionally sincere conversation in months and you quote a GIF at me?”

Hizashi starts laughing again, wiping the last tears from his face.

“Sooooo… does this mean we can go back to hanging out again? I miss you.  At the very least can I come hang out with you while you train?  I promise I’ll be quiet.”

“I don’t want that...”

Hizashi immediately looked like he was about to cry again and Shouta cursed himself for his lack of verbosity.

“I mean I don’t want you to be quiet... well I kind of do sometimes... but I don’t want you to be quiet unless you want too...”

“Awww Shouta! So soft! I can’t wait to distract you at training and peer pressure you into doing things that are actually fun!”

Shouta stifled a laugh, “I retain my ability to revoke your invitation.”

Hizashi pouted and threw a hand up to his heart and the other to his forehead, dramatically flinging himself onto the bed.

“I don’t think I can take the heartbreak!”

After a few overly exaggerated death throws and a few seconds of pretending to be deceased, Hizashi popped back up and looked at Shouta.

“So... do you wanna, like, spend the night?  It’s getting pretty late and I feel like if you try and go home, you’ll just pass out under a train station bench like a salary man.  Plus, we’ve got plenty of catching up to do.  Well I’ve got lots to tell you, as you’ve done nothing but train like a dork, I imagine this is gonna be pretty one sided haha!”

Shouts rolled his eyes and dropped his bag on the floor.  Sending a quick text to let his mother know he wasn’t coming back, he flopped face down on Hizashi’s bed.

“Wow you could have at least laid down on one side and not the middle; it’s like having a pet.” Hizashi laughed, aggressively throwing himself on the bed half on top of Shouta, who grumbled but didn’t move.

As Shouta listened to Hizashi ramble about the goings on at UA and the student drama, he felt lighter and more relaxed than he had in months.  He wiggled his hand free from under Hizashi and draped his arm over his friend, blinding grabbing at one of those wildly gesticulating hands.  Hizashi brought his hand down and allowed their fingers to intertwine, a thoughtless action which caused no pause in his exuberant gossiping.

Shouta allowed himself to starting drifting off to the sound of Hizashi’s rambling.  Though he would never admit to her, as he lay there, he was incredibly grateful to Nemuri for coming to interrupt him that evening.

[taboo-truths]

I just listened to Taylor Swift's newly released Christmas tune called Christmas Tree Farm. If I weren't such a petty, self-pitying asshole I could've merrily sang along with Swift's festively upbeat lyrics accompanied by adorable home movies. Alas, I am a self-pitying, petty asshole that once again jealously tuned-in to the pure magic of Taylor Swift when I know better.

You see, friends, that I don't yet and may never have... some light candles at Christmas and others, like me, light cigarettes in a twisted sort of death wish which in Scrooge fashion shouts, "SMOKE EM IF YA GOT EM!" I possibly learned this not-so-merry holiday habit from a mother who was far too busy drowning herself in a bottle of wine to deck the halls with boughs of holly.

My childhood Christmases were predominantly spent roughing it alone in solitary merriment. I'd lug the tree down from the attic, break out the box of decorations, check all the twinkle lights to make sure they were properly twinkling and all this while listening to my mom shout, "Dammit! Your lugging all that shit out, but ya better remember Santa ain't coming to clean up your mess!"

Oh the joys of holiday memories.

This did not change in the years later when I grew old enough to have Christmas in my own home with a beloved boyfriend. It seems I've always had to drag people kicking and screaming into sharing my "annoying" Christmas merriment. I haven't always been a Scrooge. I've instead been a Christmas elf in a family of Scrooges.

I'd put on Bing Crosby while also dreaming of a White Christmas, break out the hot cocoa and marshmallows, freshly bake some cookies, and be ready for a tree decorating party like no other, which always became like no other in that it always somehow turned into a party of one in a never-ending list of no shows.

Eventually, I convinced myself Christmas festivity, of any kind, is a glamorous Hollywood illusion. Tired of the disappointment of being treated like a Christmas Nazi for forcing any one of a number of beloved Scrooges into a "fun," holiday tradition, I eventually gave up. I became a Scrooge.

If ya can't beat em, join em... am I right?

Then, I watch Taylor Swift's already magical life be made even more magical by having grown-up on a Christmas Tree Farm complete with every unattainable expectation attained... complete with snow, sleighs, and a mother that clearly did not shout, "Dammit! Your lugging all that shit out...".

What I've only ever known to be Hollywood glamour seems to be Taylor's real life experience of Christmas. And I can't help but wonder where does one go? What does one have to do to meet festive people enchanted by the Christmas spirit? In so far as my life experience has demonstrated to me, they're as mythological as unicorns.

Co-workers, friends, lovers, and family in my life have only ever seen Christmas as a colossal pain in the ass of hyped-up corporate marketing filled with unattainable expectations and the resulting unwanted stress and responsibilities of trying to meet those expectations.

I've known people barely able to make ends-meet, working 2 and 3 jobs, who've donated plasma to provide some kind of Christmas for their kids while stressing-out for reasons of being unable to meet every checkmark on a child's list, who's excitedly expecting Santa to fulfill all their Christmas dreams but will only find disappointment beneath the tree.

To one such friend, I offered the advice of making Christmas a scavanger hunt of wrapped packages hiding candy and clues to find the one present she could afford for each of the 5 kids she was then supporting as a single mom. Fortunately, she came to me after Christmas in tears exclaiming how much fun the kids had in what would become a new Christmas tradition. None of the kids had felt they'd gone without, but had "the best holiday ever!"

In other words, Christmas is tough for many people and for many reasons. We don't all grow-up on Christmas Tree Farms complete with magical memories of holiday delights and splendor with beloved family beneath the twinkle lights. Some of us are roughing it in our own unique ways and trying to make magic of vapor and while haunted by ghostly phantoms of Christmases past.

The one gift I wanted at Christmas was love and the holiday "fun" of camaraderie in a shared Christmas spirit that didn't automatically define me as a "pain in the ass" to those I've loved. For others, the holiday struggle is that feeling of isolated loneliness and more.

But Taylor Swift also brought me a reminder of me before I became such a Scrooge. She reminded me of the long lost Christmas elf in me that once had the perspective to offer a friend in desperate need of advice a different view of Christmas presents and make a new game of Christmas morning for a family that only had each other's joy to give as a gift.

I may well be a self-pitying, petty asshole these days, but I do not begrudge Taylor Swift her charmed upbringing on a charming Christmas Tree Farm and am even grateful to her for sharing it. In doing so, she opened up that sense of family and camaraderie to all of us in need of the Christmas spirit in an odd sort of way that welcomes us all to a loving family. This petty, self-pitying asshole knows a great gift when she sees and/or hears it, and that's what Swift has given us on her cherished Christmas Tree Farm.

The lighter of candles has thus spoken to the lighter of cigarettes and dared offered this Scrooge a new perspective that says, "Merry Christmas! You are not alone. Grab the apple cider, sit by the fire, listen to the sleigh bells on the Christmas Tree Farm, and welcome to the family of Swifties!"

[throughthefumes]

neither lost nor found xi

August slid into September. Enjolras was busier than ever, between work and volunteering and meetings, though with varying school and work schedules, it was difficult to get everyone together at once for those. Long days turned into long nights in all his efforts to keep busy, to stay in touch with his friends and his clients and his parents, to trudge along as normally as possible in Grantaire’s absence because to do otherwise would be admitting to everyone something he couldn’t admit to himself.

They spoke nearly every day, even if just in quick texts when they were too busy for a phone call. Enjolras thought the longer Grantaire was away, the easier it would get. But he knew the longer Grantaire was away, the closer he was to having him back home, and that made him all the more anxious. It helped that they were all so busy; whenever Grantaire’s absence hit him particularly hard at a meeting or group dinner at Ferre’s, he could just pretend he’d been too busy at work to get away and could catch up with him later.

He always tried not to call Grantaire too late, when he might be at a late dinner or already in bed; he didn’t want to seem desperate to talk to him when the quiet of the night filled his apartment. But the day had been busy, and full of good news, and the very first thing he did when he got home late that night wasn’t changing out of his suit, but picking up the phone to call him.

Grantaire was down on the beach with his co-workers. It was Friday night and that usually meant they were out somewhere, in town or by the sea, or just hanging out together in one of the villas in the little complex. Most of them worked over the weekends, as well as during the week, but the evenings were almost always their own.

For a small group, they made a lot of noise. They had a bonfire going and music playing - they were remote enough to not have many neighbours to bother. The second Grantaire’s phone rang, he jumped up and moved away from the others to answer it. Enjolras didn’t usually call at this time.

“Hey, what’s up?”

“Hey,” Enjolras said a little breathlessly, his heart skipping at the sound of Grantaire’s voice. He loosened his tie. “Is this a bad time? Are you out?”

“Non, non, it’s good,” Grantaire said. “I mean, I’m out, but it not a bad time. Are you alright?”

“Oui, I’m fine,” Enjolras said, breathing a laugh. “Non, I’m actually good. I’m great, it’s been a really great day. I just wanted to share it with you, but I can call later.”

“Non, non, non, tell me now,” Grantaire said, something in his chest swelling with warmth.

“Ca va, ca va, so, do you remember that case I had that we leaked to the press about the Muslim man who was set up for theft? We settled today for, dieu, I can’t tell you how much because of confidentiality, but we creamed them, R. They’re facing fines and penalties as well, they will probably have to sell the business to keep their heads above water, and I don’t even think that will be enough,” Enjolras said with an elated laugh. “My client told me he’s going to put some of the settlement money aside for law school, that I inspired him to go to law school, can you believe that? He wants to come sit in on a meeting sometime, and I told him that once he needs internship hours to call me, because - ca va, ready? I got my business license today. I’m a firm. A very small firm, but a firm.”

“Enjolras,” Grantaire said, the word coming out on a breath of laughter. “Enjolras… Oh, mon dieu… This is... Enjolras! Congratulations! Congratulations isn’t enough.”

“Can you believe it?” Enjolras said, his happiness ballooning with Grantaire’s. “I need to find a real office space, but the desk in my living room will do for now. And Clara was talking about leaving her firm - I could have a partner, a whole team of attorneys, and build up a legal aid clinic, and there won’t be any talk of bottom lines or profits, we’ll just be helping people.”

Grantaire wanted nothing more than to be back in Paris with him. “I am so, so happy for you,” he said, his throat a little tight.

“Merci, merci,” Enjolras said, softer now as he settled down. “I wish you were here. Everyone wants to go out and celebrate.”

“You better go!” Grantaire warned him. “If anything warrants celebrating…”

Enjolras breathed a laugh. “I will, I will. It’s just a big deal. You’ve always been here for the big things.”

Grantaire swallowed, hard. “I can't… If I could afford it, I’d be on the first flight back to Paris,” he said.

“Non, non, non,” Enjolras said quickly, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean… I just wanted you to know you’re missed. That’s all.”

“I wish I could be there. I guess… I guess you'll be really busy now, ah?”

“Ah, oui. But that’s no different than usual, I’m always really busy.”

Grantaire nodded, sitting down on the sand a little way away from the others. He sifted it through the fingers of his free hand.

“It's okay if you can't visit, then,” he said, trying to keep his voice light. “This is way more important. This is really big, Enj.”

“Non, non, this doesn’t change anything,” Enjolras said firmly. Sometimes the only thing that kept him going was the promise of seeing Grantaire. “I told you before that I would make time if this happened. I have the time.”

“Sorry, I'm raining on your parade here,” Grantaire said, managing to laugh. “I'm so proud of you.”

Enjolras could feel his face flush. “Merci, chéri,” he said. “We can just celebrate together when I visit, ah?”

“Oui?”

“Oui,” Enjolras said. “Have you figured out a good time for it?”

“I mean, I'm all settled in. Work is steady. Anytime you like, really.”

“So you’re saying there is nothing stopping me from getting on the first flight out tomorrow morning?” Enjolras teased lightly.

“I mean, Ant needs somewhere to stay,” Grantaire said, laughing uncertainly.

“Oh, merde, I’m a terrible father,” Enjolras said, serious again. “Do you think Jehan would watch her?”

“Oui, absolument,” Grantaire said.

Enjolras hesitated a moment, realizing Grantaire may have told him not to worry about visiting because he’d changed his mind on the whole deal.

“Tu sais, if you’re too busy with work…”

“Non, non, I…” Grantaire said quickly. Was Enjolras looking for a way out now? “I mean, I have work… to do… but not an inordinate amount. I've gotten a lot done already, actually. I just mean… if it's too much time or too much money or whatever… or if you don't want to… Don't feel you have to, t’sais?”

“I want to,” Enjolras said honestly. He was growing tired of pretending not to care, when he cared so much, when he missed him so deeply. “I do. Time and money aren’t an issue. I just want to make sure that we’re… that it’s a good time.”

Grantaire found himself smiling. He tugged his legs up to his chest and rested his chin on his knees, eyes on the horizon, an inky black line across the still just light sky.

“It’s a good time,” he said firmly. “There’s no bad time.”

“Okay,” Enjolras said, relaxing again. “Okay, good. I’ll look at flights, then.”

“Let me know what you find,” Grantaire said, his smile audible in his voice.

“I will,” Enjolras said, smiling too. “How long should I plan to be away?”

“How long would you like to be away?”

Enjolras laughed. “I would probably spend an entire year lying on a beach in Greece if I could.”

“So book a one-way plane ticket,” Grantaire teased.

“Ah, don’t tempt me,” Enjolras said. “I’ll stay even after you’ve left and we’ll find ourselves in the same situation.”

Grantaire laughed. “I can’t wait to show you round,” he said.

“I can’t wait to see it,” Enjolras said with a smile. “Has it been an inspiring landscape to paint?”

“Too inspiring,” Grantaire admitted with another laugh. “I can’t stop painting seascapes. I never knew the sea could be so many different shades of green and blue.”

Enjolras’ smile grew. “Do I get to see your work?”

“You get no say in the matter; it’s all over the place,” Grantaire said. “This is why I shouldn’t live alone. At least with Ant, even, I had to keep things tidy, or she’d sharpen her claws on the canvases.”

“Isn’t that the truth?” Enjolras said, laughing. “I’m excited to see you at work again, it’s been a long time since I’ve seen the process.”

“Ah, oui… I guess it has,” Grantaire said.

“So, ah… a week?” Enjolras asked. “Can we get away with that?”

“A week sounds perfect,” Grantaire said. A week didn’t sound like nearly long enough.

“Oui?” Enjolras asked. “Not too long? It’s okay if you have to work while I’m there.”

“Non, not too long at all,” Grantaire said. “I’ll knuckle down and get on top of things, then…”

Enjolras found himself smiling. “Then…?”

“Then I’m all yours for the week.”

“I like the sound of that.”

“Good,” Grantaire said, smiling to himself. He dug his toes into the sand, cool now the sun had gone down.

“Good,” Enjolras echoed, and fell silent for a long moment, just listening to Grantaire and the faint sounds of the ocean on the line. “I’ll let you go, ah? Get back to your outing. I haven’t even changed yet.”

Grantaire breathed a laugh. “I’m really glad you called,” he said.

“I’ll call you tomorrow,” Enjolras said, smiling. “We can look at flights together.”

“Can’t wait,” Grantaire said. “I’ll have my phone on me all day, so…”

“You’ll hear from me,” Enjolras said. “Early. I won’t make you wait all day.”

“I don’t mind waiting,” Grantaire laughed. “But your enthusiasm is noted.”

Enjolras laughed, happy Grantaire couldn’t see the flush of his face.

“Text me later so I know you got home okay.”

“You want me to text you so you know I managed to walk the five hundred metres from the beach back to the villas?” Grantaire asked, smiling.

“Oui, I do,” Enjolras said. “You never know what could happen, R.”

Grantaire snorted a laugh. “I’ll text, I’ll text,” he said. “But I think you’ve been hanging out with too many criminals.”

“You haven’t been here to keep me in line,” Enjolras teased.

“Well, you’ll be here soon enough, ah?”

“Soon enough would have been a week ago.”

Grantaire breathed a laugh, his stomach fluttering. “You can’t just say things like that…”

“Non?” Enjolras asked, heart thudding now they’d entered delicate territory. “It’s the truth. For me, anyway.”

Grantaire nodded. “So… I’ll text you later?”

“Yeah, okay,” Enjolras finally said, voice softer now. “Speak later.”

“Go celebrate!” Grantaire said as he got to his feet again.

“Have a nice night, R.”

“You too.”

Enjolras hung up quickly then, kicking himself for prying open that door and peeking through. Grantaire’s feelings towards him hadn’t changed and he was more in love with him than ever, and he was about to jet off to spend a week alone with him in Greece. What kind of masochist was he?

With an aggravated groan, he dropped his phone on the sofa and went to his room to change and vent to Ant.

[shirewalker]

kestrel and arin? omg i don't know if you do them, but i remembered you read the books a while back?? but anyway -> beside a fire + i can't stay away from u

No, I had never written them before >w

It turned into a Band AU jsyk ;)

Rated E ofc

Arin washere. Kestrel felt her lungs collapse at the sight. Of all the people to takethe same road she took… Arin had to be the one.

His silvereyes found hers and she looked away, too fast to not be noticed. She hated him.She wanted him. She didn’t hate him at all. She hated… She hated that he’drefused to join her band, she hated that he’d claim not to sing and then… Andthen when Roshar offered to be his manager, Arin had accepted. And sang.

Like mothdrawn to candle, her eyes flickered to him again. His eyes were still on her.Beautiful, damning.

“Miss?” Thereceptionist handed her a key and she pretended to ignore Arin’s presence, “I’msorry it took so long, with the snow storm our hotel is practically full andour servers are down. Second floor, and please, breakfast is on the house.” Hersmile was practiced, perfected to ruffle angry feathers with free breakfastsand whatnot. Kestrel took the key and fled to her room, dying to put as muchspace between her and Arin as she could.

--

“What areyou doing here?” She hissed, pulling her night robe closer to her body. She hadjust left the bath, her wet hair clinging to her shoulders.

Arin stoodby the door, bags in one hand and in the other… a key? He looked at her inutter confusion, his eyes going from her to the door to the key and back toher. “This… is my room, Kestrel.” He uttered slowly.

“Like hellit is! I paid for it!” She stomped her way to him and yanked the key out of hishands. Those hands…

Shakingthose thoughts away, Kestrel inspected the key only to throw it back at himwith a breathed curse, “They gave us the same room!”

Arinswallowed down and turned away, “I’ll go back down and ask for another room…”His voice was flat, devoid of emotion. But Kestrel knew that tone. Flat withArin wasn’t emotionless. It was him covering his hurt.

Her angersizzled away, “No, Arin. You can… you can stay. The bed is large enough for thetwo of us anyway.”

“It’s notrouble.” He insisted.

“Theirsystems are down or glitching, I’m not sure; you won’t get a room any timesoon. You can stay. I don’t… I don’t mind.” She said and turned away, hoping hehadn’t seen the way her cheeks heated up with the idea of sharing a bed withhim.

He noddedand shut the door, “Is… Is the water hot?” He said after a while, pointing ather wet hair.

“Yes. Youcan go.”

Arin tookhis things and locked himself in the bathroom, leaving Kestrel breathless andangry at the universe’s sense of irony. Arin had become her rival in the bandcontest, when all she wanted was to sing and play with him. And then Arin hadbecome the target of her moods after her poor little heart hadn’t been able tohandle his rejection. Foolish Kestrel! Why did she have to go and fall for the Herranisinger? The young man that refused to mingle more than necessary, and yet hadsomehow wormed his way into her heart. Long nights spent playing Bite and Stingwith him, sharing thoughts and opinions, and then it just… happened. One dayshe looked at him across the university lawn and her heart had simply… ran tohis. It didn’t go well though, as Arin was quick to refuse her heartfeltrequest.

“I supposethe staff can afford mixing up keys but they can’t forget the hot water, huh?”Arin said, his joke breaking through her thoughts as he stepped out of thebathroom. A cloud of steam followed him, partially covering his frame for amoment. Kestrel wished it away, and then she wished it back.

He hadn’tgotten dressed, he’d just put on a towel. Damn him, damn him to whichever sortof hell he believed in.

Arin caughther eye and a crooked grin played on his lips, “See something you like?”

Cheeksburning, Kestrel looked away and back at the fireplace, “Shut up and getdressed.”

“Or…?” Histeasing tone took her back to their midnight sessions, when he would tease herabout her droopy eyes and her long yawns. When he would try to get her to slipup and give up her game. When it was just her and Arin and nothing else existedor mattered.

“You’llsleep on the floor.” It was an empty threat and both knew it.

Arin’schuckle lasted only for a moment before it died out and his voice turned roughand serious, “I’m sorry, Kestrel.”

She didn’treply. He sighed. And then she heard his footfalls, approaching, walking toher.

“Kestrel…”He reached for her but then dropped his hand.

“You saidyou didn’t sing. You wouldn’t sing.Public stuff and that. And then…” Her voice shook with anger and heartbreak,“You get your own music act!” She turned to him and saw with wicked pleasurehow her words hit him like a slap, “If you didn’t want to sing with me, youcould have said so. Not lie! I thought… I thought there were no lies betweenus, Arin.”

This timehe did reach for her, catching her face between both hands in a hold that wasso gentle Kestrel almost thought she was dreaming it, “I’m sorry, Kestrel. Ireally am, but… I couldn’t sing with you.”

“Why?”

Arin lookedaway for a moment, fighting with something inside him. Then, “Because… Becauseyour father threatened me at the time.”

“What?” Shehissed, angry flames licking her insides. How dare he? How?! He cut ties withher and still had the nerve to decide who she could... hang with?!

He shookhis head, “It was more of an excuse than anything else, Kestrel. I… I didn’tfight him, I didn’t fight his threat because… If I stayed, if I said yes… Iwouldn’t have become just your band mate. I wouldn’t be able to be just that.”

She shookher head, or tried to, his strong hands still holding her close, “I don’tunderstand…”

“I can’tstay away from you, Kestrel. I wouldn’t have been able to do it if we spentevery moment together for the band.”

A waterysmile played on her lips, “You’re an idiot, Arin…”

He frowned,“What?”

“You saidno because you were afraid of getting involved with me?” She took a bold step,“Afraid of what could happen?”

“I wasafraid of hurting you, Kestrel.”

“How wouldyou have done it? When I too can’t stay away from you!” She made to grab himbut her hands stopped a breath away from his chest as she remembered he had noclothes on. But then, she threw caution to the wind and placed them on hisskin, carefully memorizing the way his deep golden skin felt so right under herpalms. Arin shuddered at her touch, but made no move to stop her. She said, “Whyare you so brilliant with everything but when it comes to us you just run awaylike a scared little kid?”

A sheepishsmile grew on his lips, joining that little blush that darkened his cheeks, “Iguess you throw me off. With your cunning mind and your beautiful self…”

“Arin…” Shebreathed.

“Yes,Kestrel?”

“Kiss me,Arin. Kiss me and I’ll forget how much of an idiot you have been these past fewmonths. Kiss me. Kiss me…” She begged, fingertips grazing his skin and the hardmuscle right underneath. Her body went into a dizzy dance just like that, hersenses dying to drown in Arin. Arin, Arin, Arin. Everything in her whisperedand screamed and rasped his name. She was so drunk in him already, and allthey’d done was gingerly touch each other.

“Kestrel…”His was thick and desperate, her name hanging in the air between them for onebrief moment that seemed to last forever. Forever and ever. Until… Until shefinally felt his lips touch hers.

A breath.

One longand deep breath.

As if she’dbeen drowning until this very moment, as if Arin’s lips, Arin’s air was theonly thing she could really survive on. Arin. Arin. Arin. Oh stars and all ofhis gods help her, this was even better than anything she had ever dreamed of.And it was just one small, chaste kiss.

Her handsmoved on their own accord, first down his torso, feeling every hard muscle ofhis and drawing soft groans out of him. Sweet, sweet sounds Kestrel had neverthought to be so sweet. Then she moved up, palms pressing and fingers searchinguntil her hands locked on his shoulders for a moment. All along, Arin kissedher softly, his lips massaging hers into a slow and tender kiss that seemed tohold so much fire within and yet it refused to ignite. Not yet, it seemed towhisper, not yet. Her hands moved up again and into his thick, dark locks. Sheplayed with those curls, a smile forming on her mouth when Arin sighed intoher. He liked this, she realised, safely storing this knowledge in the depthsof her heart.

And thensomething snapped.

A deep andalmost primal hunger that seemed to grow inside this kiss. Arin rasped her nameinto the kiss and she opened her mouth, welcoming him, welcoming his tongue.With each press of lips and groan and moan, Kestrel felt her world tip. Arinwas leaning into her, arms holding her close, so close, so close. And shepulled him in, careless about such trivial things like gravity and hard floors.It didn’t matter, nothing mattered. Not when Arin was here with her and kissingher and waking up every piece of hers that had been dormant until this verymoment. The kiss was catching fire and it tasted to good.

“Kestrel…”Her name was a hot breath against her cheek as Arin pressed his face to hersand began a blazing trail of kisses down her throat. Down, down, down. Herpulse, her collarbone, her shoulder… Her robe was barely covering her now,having fallen open in the process of their kisses. Kestrel didn’t even thinkabout what it meant, only what it allowed to happen. Arin kissing her, Arintouching her. Arin, Arin, Arin.

“Arin…” Hepressed a kiss right over her heart and she swore it pulsed anew. Like a freshoff the nest little bird, ready for the world, ready to spread its winds andfind home. Home. Arin. “I want… I want you, Arin…” She said, or tried to, hervoice lost in the moment.

Arin pausedhis kisses with a start. His breathing was laboured and surprised when he spokeagain, “Are you… Are you sure?”

She nodded,partially annoyed he’d stopped his kisses. Why? She was dying without them,dying. “I’m sure, Arin. I’ve been for a long time now. I can’t stop thinkingabout you, even when I try to be angry, I can’t. Not really.” She leaned intohim and eased off of her robe. A violent blush coloured his cheeks as he tookin her naked form, “I love you, Arin. I love you…”

His silvereyes, always so beautiful and brilliant, turned to her, “Kestrel…” A silly gringrew on his lips, “I love you too.”

Her eyesclosed for a moment as she savoured those words. “Then kiss me, Arin.”

And he did.He really did.

Happinessbloomed deep in her chest, just like what must rush through a bird’s heart upontheir first flight, and she laughed. Kestrel laughed and smiled and giggled,Arin’s own laughter joining hers between kisses and more kisses. His towel fellaway, by his hand or hers, neither really knew. And then he laid her down bythe fire, on a lush carpet that felt like fluffy clouds under Kestrel.

His eyesshined, happiness and surprise and love bright and alive, and Arin leaned downto nuzzle his nose against her flushed skin. Kestrel laughed, unable to containthe sound as he played with her skin. Nuzzle, kiss, nuzzle, kiss and blow, thatlast one drawing even louder cackles out of her. She couldn’t breathe, thelaughter and the anticipation taking over her. Arin’s mouth moved upwards,slowing down his playful rhythm.

When he wasclose enough, Kestrel caught his face between her hands and pressed theirforeheads together, locking her gaze on his, “You make me so happy, Arin. Sohappy…”

He seemedto hold his breath, surprised with her words, “I could say the same, Kestrel.Little fists…” A smile danced on his lips as he uttered that nickname and shesmiled too. A month into knowing each other she had accidentally decked him.Arin had commented how someone with fists so small could be able to knock himout so well. She’d laughed the whole day through. She almost laughed right now.But then she felt his touch between her thighs and all laughter and rationalthoughts were gone.

Anotherbrush, soft and tender yet making her moan and gasp in reply. Arin whisperedher name as he touched her again and again, his voice strained and in pain, asif he was the one being touched like that, as if it was Kestrel who was drivinghim blind with just her hands. A louder gasp erupted and Kestrel swore shealmost fell apart then. So close, she was so close to coming undone. Heavingchest, blushed cheeks, Kestrel held onto him as if her very life depended onhim. In a way, it did. It did.

“Arin… Oh,Arin… Please…”

“Yes,Kestrel… Yes…” He rasped and eased into her, slowly.

A blissfulsmile grew on her lips as he moved, rolling his hips with that patience he’dbuilt during their games of Bite and Sting. Slow, slow, slow. She moved withhim, hands wrapped around his shoulders, spread over the hard muscles as theytensed and relaxed with his movements. Arin leaned on his forearms, easing intoa better position as he continued moving with her, his hips slow and seductiveand slick against hers. Kestrel had always heard of quickies and whatnot, butshe was certain the reason they were so overrated was because no one had evertasted this. Arin’s slow and clever rhythm. Patient and delicious, each roll ofthe hips perfected to draw the softest and rawest of moans out of her.

Her heartwas so full and beating so fast. Full of love and happiness and Arin. Arin.Arin. How could someone fill someone else’s heart so perfectly? His words, hisbeauty, his mind, his body. His pace picked up ever so slightly and a shudderedgasp escaped both of them.

Aringroaned. “Kestrel… Kestrel…” He whispered her name, over and over again. Voicestrained, eyebrows drawn, Arin was lost in her just as she was lost in him. Solost. But a good lost, a good lost. Because he was home. Home.

Anotherroll of the hips. Just another. Another…

He cursedunder his breath and shuddered as a hard thrust rocked her body and threwKestrel over the edge, together with Arin. Together. His name was a soft cry onher lips, her heart exploding to pieces, so full of love and happiness as itwas. Her body was nothing, Arin had set fire to it with his kisses and histouch and now Kestrel was nothing but an ethereal thing. Bound to the earth onlyby her love for Arin.

--

She dancedwith her fingers over his open hand, tracing the lines of his palm back andforth. Arin took in a shaky breath and she giggled, “So sensitive.”

“You’retickling me, Kestrel. I can’t resist that.” He rasped, his voice still a mess.

“Are yougoing to sing with me now?” She asked after a while, looking up from his chest.

Arinsighed, “Do I have a choice?”

She smackedhim, “Of course you do. But I’d very much like it if you said yes.”

“What ofRoshar? And Risha?” He asked, remembering his manager and Kestrel’s vocalist.

Alwaysready for this, Kestrel didn’t even stop to think of her answer, “You knowRoshar won’t mind it one bit, so long he continues to be the manager. And Risha…Risha wants to go to Broadway. She wants to sing in musicals, to be where Verexis.”

Arinchuckled, “You have everything worked out already. Of course you do.”

She hummed,“Yes. I’ve thought about this for a while already. Say yes, Arin. Stay with me.”

“I’ll staywith you no matter what.” He said, his voice softer and stripped of any jokes.

“I’m glad.But I still want to play with you.”

“You don’tgive up, do you?”

“No. Plus,you said my father was the other reason why you refused me. Considering he isout of my life for good and everything we did tonight, I don’t see any reasonwhy we can’t play together.”

“What aboutthe contest?”

“I’m goingto withdraw.”

“And so Ishould do the same?” He offered with a raised eyebrow.

Kestrelpaused, “Well, you don’t have to. But I am withdrawing.”

Arin huffedand passed a hand through his hair, “And so am I, since I only entered thisbecause of you.”

Laughterbloomed out of her, surprised and light, “How come?”

“Youchallenged me. It would be a sign of weakness to not rise to it.” He replied,his tone as a matter of fact.

“I daredyou. And I was angry at the time, I said some stupid things.”

“Oh, so sheadmits!” Arin joked, the sound quickly replaced by a yelp as Kestrel poked him.

“I saystupid things sometimes, I never denied it.”

“Yes, butyou never admitted it either. I have an idea.”

“You do?”

“Yes. Weboth withdraw, let our friends know of it and stay here for the rest of theweekend.”

Her cheeksheated up, “In this room?”

Arinnodded, “In this room. Just us. Making up for lost time. What do you say?”

Kestrel smiled,perhaps the happiest smile she had ever smiled, and nodded, “Sounds perfect tome.”

[sagebodisattva]

Antinatalism and Nihilism

Yeah. In case you didn't know, or were somehow a bit unsure about whether or not antinatalism was a nihilist philosophy, antinatalism is perplexingly nihilist, nihilistic supreme; that means it's the grand chalupa, with fresh sour cream.

The most standard commonly known definition of nihilism is a philosophical doctrine that suggests the negation of one or more reputedly meaningful aspects of life. If nay you say, then are you implying that antinatalism isn't asking it's prospective antinatalist to negate certain values that the majority of humans all share in common? I mean, it is called antinatalism, isn't it? Asking a human to consciously avoid procreating, whether just, correct, most moral, or not, this is still a value subtraction equation. The idea that consciousness is better off to never have existed is certainly a negative value conclusion, even if you twist around the narrative to demonize the perceived opposition.

If some condition independent of consciousness that exists out there in the universe is somehow a morally BETTER configuration, in all it's independently existing isolated betterness, without anything existing, any unavoidable prognosis, prescription, or proscription, that may be proposed, will all be subtraction transactions. That's antinatalism, and that's the common understood consensus as to what the definition of nihilism is. There's no way around it. If you’re an antinatalist, then you are at least nihilistic. Period.

Yeah. A dirty stinking value negating nihilist.

And I understand why antinatalists want to reject nihilism, for, while suggesting the negation of a commonly held meaningful value, they do so under the banner of a righteous pro-value. Which is all well and good, but it still doesn't change the fact that it's aim is still to negate a value.

And I'm not against antinatalism, in fact I agree that, for people who are serious about discovering the truth about reality and seek to walk the path of self recognition, of which, is the only existential function for why we are here, procreation isn't helpful. It's an investment, which is a distraction, and that's passing the buck to someone else. And for the people who are NOT serious about reality, the truth and self recognition, you definitely shouldn't be procreating either, because you are just recklessly creating giant amounts of demand and deprivation just for it's own sake, and that isn't a requirement. If one is not seeking to understand the reality, then why should one be ignorantly pushing more lives into existence, for the mere sake of selfish gratification? It's an abuse of power. You don't have any way to obtain consent for the life you are causing to manifest, so therefor this is indicative of an immoral act, like it or not.

And I know there are a lot of people out there that are grateful to have been pushed into existence and appreciate it deeply, but just ask yourself, for what? Pleasure seeking activities? Is that what it is? Just raw hedonism? Back dropped against a life of mundane routine and pointless empty lives of quiet desperation and frustrating futility? To endure large amounts of suffering, boredom and tedious undertakings, just to have a small sip of ecstasy? It seems that we have forgotten that this realm should be treated as a training ground, and not like a lounge for fat cats and lazy lizards.

I won't go too far into depth about the positive aspects of choosing not to procreate, perhaps reserving these thoughts for a future video, for the main idea of this exposition is to show how antinatalism is a nihilistic philosophy. As if antinatalism was somehow something else other then nihilism? Yeah right. If you think so, then you must somehow have your narrative about the logic twisted up.

I know, I know, you have a certain subjective feeling about certain facts, and since the fact is a fact, how you feel about those facts must also be facts! I know, I know. Anything less would be a case of mental illness.

But, one should always try to understand who one's allies are. And one should also try real hard to try and stop maligning and demonizing an adjacent ally; in exactly the same way everyone else tries to malign and demonize you. Atheism, antinatalism, nihilism, post modernism, deconstructionism, futurism, transhumanism, are all relative philosophies existing within the same ideology cluster, despite having some differences. Maybe what they all share in common, in a broad sense, is a rejection of an old world and an old way of doing things.

You do know that, in theism's mind, atheism, and thereby also antinatalism by default, are considered nihilist philosophies simply because they both reject theism. And you know that this is where nihilism primarily got it's bad name from. It was a label frequently used to malign those that rejected theism. And I say 'antinatalism by default" because I think it's safe to assume that if you are antinatalist, you certainly can't be any kind of theist worth his salt. What kind of theist would think that being fruitful isn't in accord with a sky daddy's wishes? Unless there are theists out there, that I don't know about, who believe in an incompetent fucked up god who can't be trusted, but if that's the case, why bother with remaining a theist? Overthrow that motherfucker. If believing in a loving all powerful god, while having an attitude that the world is too fucked up a place to bring children into, isn't cognitive dissonance, then what is?

And I wonder, just as a side note, who was worse for the theists; the atheists, the heretics, or the nihilists?

But anyway... Yeah. Antinatalism is a form of nihilism. So it's truly quite very bizarre that antinatalism tries to take the high road; goes holier then thou, and plays the role of moral warden against another philosophy that, in fact, represents some of the same concepts and positions.

Nihilists advocate victimization and/or ignoring victimization? Bullshit. That isn't even the case, so it isn't true in the first place. It isn't nihilists who are the ones responsible for the horrors of the world, nor the ones ignoring the horrors. So maybe instead of trying to straw man a scapegoat, antinatalism should either redirect this false characterization right back from whence it came, or try focusing the vitriol upon that which is more befitting of these tragic poetic condemnations. It would seem to me that Theists and statists are the violators of innate human morals.

And don't let the religious aspect of theism create some false sense of a dichotomy existing between theism and it's slave atheism. They are both materialists. Only one is justified by a belief in God, and the other is justified by a lack of a belief in God. The "materials" are on a pedestal in both of these so called diametrically opposed polar opposite positions. And post hence, they are both full of shit. Neither one of them are automatically morally upright. Religion, do we even need to go there? If Jesus came back he'd kick the shit out of the Christians; once he matrixed around their gunfire. And atheism, well where does one exactly derive morality when there isn't some scary supernatural force threatening you, or offering obedience rewards, in a world where cash is king; and only the collection and hoarding of objects and resources are the measure of one's well being? From whereforth, and unto what?

Oh, I know. From empathy. From compassion. From a sense of charity. From a sense of duty, integrity, justice, service, and heroic Herculean honor. Only, this sense of duty is easily derelict when it comes to the raw material reality. In a game of heavy investments and gambling with the margins of profit and loss, wherein the consequence of ignoring dysfunction and not running the risk to do what's called "right", is rewarded by sustaining a retainer of wealth and resources, the objectively morally thing to do, is to do what most benefits yourself and your immediate group. And that's what I mean when I say “objectively moral.” I mean so in the sense that, there will be groups of individuals who feel they have a special status to make decisions on behalf of everyone else, because this self elected special status also affords one a superior perspective to decide and execute what's BEST for everyone...

Sound familiar? And it isn't nihilism that is doing this. It's hard materialism; cause, hey, its logical, it's objectively moral, it's very utilitarian, all of which the nihilist knows, doesn't really exist, and therefor doesn't invest into the motivated fervor of this material passion play. And yet the criminal trouble making shit stirrer uppers have the audacity to point out at the audience and blame them for the stage theatrics. And antinatalism, who sits in section B, points over to section A, where nihilism sits, and passes the blame on to them. It's a joke.

But I can see why everyone's so upset with nihilism. True nihilism upsets the whole apple cart. The passion whores don't want people to resign and give up on the Game of the lemmings, cause jeez, what would happen if everyone became nihilists? It would be unprofitable. We'd have a bunch of peaceful generous self sufficient people who had relaxed forgiving caregiving dispositions, who mind their own business, but share and help others, and who don't want to victimize their fellow humans. And we couldn't have that now, could we? Pointing the finger at you and saying it's all your fault, is so much more convenient and fun!