#doesn’t help that i started today :
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2 weeks at uni and I’ve already reached peak procrastination. I found masking tape and somehow decided that the best use of my time was to make a tiny Belphemon-sleep.
#I actually can’t wait till student finance have processed my dsa#maybe next year or something I should look for an adhd diagnosis? if I’m having this much trouble focussing and a cup of coffee doesn’t work#anymore as a way for me to focus maybe I should see if meds would help?#(when I got my autism diagnosis i was also told its possible that I have adhd. I’d privately suspected adhd before I considered autism)#like. some days I can focus. it feels like I’m balancing on a knife-edge and it’s very stressful#and I can’t do it on command or anything#but sure#seeing one piece of fanart with Boy from tts#and my whole day goes down the drain because I can’t drag myself away from the series#and listening to video game soundtrack helps but then if I do that too much I start feeling lonely but I can’t listen to a podcast because#then I focus on that above the work I’m meant ti be doing#and even then I might look up other stuff about the video game I’m listening to#and the worst times are when I become self aware and that really breaks my focus but I know I’ve got to keep going#and then at the end of the day I feel awful because I’ve done about 1-2 hours actual work in 6 hours#time I could have spend doing other work or#heaven forbid#enjoying myself#that was more of a rant than I expected#I’m doing ok I think#I hope#i know I’m not meant to compare myself with others#but I’ve done more work than my flatmates#and that at least makes me feel a little better#I’m going to get myself a coffee now#hopefully that’ll help me today#my goal is at least 200 words#then I can stop#actually autistic#autism#personal rant
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why did my teachers think it was okay to give us like one single weekend to finish all of our midterm projects and study for our tests.
#slight vent#i have 3 projects and 3 tests#i’m halfway through my lit/history project and halfway through my psych project#and maybe a quarter done with my programming project#which is fucking insane btw cause how tf am i supposed to code a whole video game in like 3 days on top of everything else 😭😭😭#and some things he hasn’t taught us and just thinks that we should just be able to figure out like HELLO???/?///#I DONT HAVE TIME TO TEACH MYSELF NEW CODE#ITS THE MIDTERM/FINAL FOR THE CLASS??????#and once the weekend starts i’ll have no one to trouble shoot my stuff and fix my bugs so literally i’ll be hopeless so 😭😭😭#my calc teacher JUST finished teaching us everything we need for the midterm TODAY. THE MIDTERM IS ON WEDNESDAY. BRO.#my physics teacher doesn’t let us copy down any of our idk test questions or take our old assessments home to study#*old#so we get to look em over for like 20 mins and hand em back. which doesn’t exact fucking help me when i’m studying for the midterm.#WITH NO STUDY GUIDE.#my teachers even said that this years midterms are worse than previous years cause they’re all in a row instead of split by a weekend#we’ve had 2 delayed openings and 1 early dismissal this week which means we have less time to work on our midterm projects in class 😭😭😭😭#i’m so overwhelmed i’m gonna explode#by the time i finish these projects i’m not gonna have anymore energy/time to study for my tests. WHICH IS THE HARD SHIT BTW.
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While I genuinely hate reading ebooks on a computer screen, this weeks Stealing Time activity at work is reading on the clock courtesy of my county library system 🤓
#just one more week and this summer semester is over and I can go back to being normal#and doing my job I promise#anyway! I have tales from earthsea physically but outside lunch I’ve been reading that#and also started Carmilla today and find it surprisingly brisk for a 19th century novel#also I’m not precious about physical books it’s that monitors and iPhones cause serious eye strain#and a kindle doesn’t help for stealing time lol but they look like they’d fix my issues
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This week is going to straight up kill me
#i have 5 exams (whooo)#and i have to help organise a convention where the instructions on what I need to do change on an hourly basis and my boss doesn’t tell me#half of the things i need to know and then expects me to know them anyway#also have i mentioned that i have 5 exams?#somebody sedate meeeeee#AND i started my period today 😭#I’m literally so close to sobbing uncontrollably I am So. Stressed dhdjdkkd 😭#anyway. back to revising
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coworker was mean to me today so fun!
#txt#it was shit today#bosses don’t know what the fuck they are doing they are always on our ass for shit that should be their responsibility#but they weren’t even the person who was rude#they were all three working on tangent packaging shit and I was off doing some other shit#but I had stuff to package left over from before I started task 2#and I used the date stamp for literally 6 cookies just so I could get them done and out of the way. SO I COULD HELPTHEM#and my coworker walks behind my back is like cool cool cool :) not even directly at me#and then when I asked them if it would help them for me to sticker he was so fucking sarcastic#like shit the fuck up suck my dick fuck all of yall#how was I supposed to know u were on stamp duty idiot I just got over here#sorry I’m ranting this makes me so mad#literally I make myself so fucking small so these people can. physically and emotionally step all over me. and once I step in and#do the shit my bosses tell me to do my coworkers don’t like it#and THEN my bosses are fucking incompetent so it doesn’t matter#literally suck my dick fuck my job I’m so mad about today
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I didn’t go to sculpture again……
#please please please I have anxiety I have a mental illness#I can’t make myself go there it’s hell idk why I’m just so nervous every time I make myself feel sick#and then I get another excuse not to go becuase I literally feel like I’m gonna throw up#I’m not going to pass if I don’t start going there…….#and I cannot handle repeating a semester#I live in fear#and it doesn’t help that I have intermedia class later today which is my second greatest enemy and just as dreadful#banging head on the table#I need to be wrapped in a blanket and go to sleep forever#god even if I go there I’m never going to be able to come up to my prof and talk to him about my project I get physically I’ll at the#slightest suggestion from my friends that I should finally do it#everyone’s done it already#I will literally cry if anyone talks to me#the profs just intimidate me so badly I feel like they hate me#and everyone says they’re super nice but I can’t make myself believe ittttt they will eat me alive#but if I never go I won’t pass the class and repeating the semester will cost money#pleas I have the stupid project idea ready but I just can’t do it I’ve thought about just emailing them and doing it all through email but#I couldn’t do that either I’m just in panic mode instantly#so yeah I’m just venting not asking ppl for solutions 😶✌️ I just don’t want to text my friend again bc I’ve been putting way too much on#them#they do practically everything for me anyway bc I can’t do shit by myself#uh ok I just need to put this SOMEWHERE#I’m gonna curl up and draw metal or whatever#ugh I know I’m making things worse by not coming#but I can’t make myself I just cant I’m gonna have an anxiety attack ✌️#no one look at me#I being sensitive and vulnerable here
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do you guys think i should make a faire (etsy for wholesale)……. wholesaling was on my goal list for the year but in a “email local businesses” way not a “put my stuff on a marketplace” way, especially since faire takes a 15% commission & has other fees…. i don’t have the kind of inventory to list a ton of stuff on there but i could start with a few things and see how it goes…. i can stop doing it if i decide it’s not worth it… it would be easier than sending a lot of emails or making a wholesale packet….
#if it goes well i can just start ordering more stock from the jump when i get new things#i don’t think i’m going to put any prints on there bc my runs are too small & i struggle doing reprints as is#sorry to people waiting on reprints i will get around to it i promise. but if i list my prints on faire then i feel like ill never have them#for my store. lol#it also might help me get rid of some stuff that doesn’t do so well for me like those stupid pencils..#i’ve been thinking about it the past couple days bc i just had a conversation w my boss about ordering stickers & she was shocked how little#i order. which makes sense for my business rn but she was telling me i should wholesale#so it’s been on my mind. idk maybe i’ll make an account and list a few things today & see if anybody bites#chatpost#i already know how the website works for the most part bc we use it at work#also should i order a new koozie do you think. it’s my usual summer merch although it’s late for that#people don’t buy them much anyway which is a shame bc i like them
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I’m watching the first episode of Percy Jackson’s series and I’ve a couple of questions: first of all, wasn’t Percy’s step-dad an alcoholic asshole who had a toxic relationship with Percy’s mom? Like I clearly remember it being IMPORTANT for the series! One of the reasons why she doesn’t dump him is that his behavior and especially his drinking habits help to hide Percy from the monsters looking for him.
Then, why instead of being killed the characters get Thanos snapped?! — EDIT: they actually explained it in the second episode (also i read the books like 15 years ago so my memory about how monsters died is a bit rusty)
The rating of the series is THE SAME of the movies and the books so why did they dumb it down?!
#percy jackson#percy jackon and the olympians#percy jackson spoilers#i’m probably too old for this series#but i started watching criminal minds when i was 7 so maybe it’s just me#*just me#doesn’t help that i had to tell to 10 yo kids today that they can pronounce the word kill
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guys i’m on the verge of fucking tears thinking about destiel right now
#i just started thinking about how they loved each other#and they never got to experience it#oh my god#it doesn’t help i started my period today#having many thoughts#destiel#mine#*txt
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no more stardew valley it’s time to lock in unfortunately 😔
#fall classes started today#no more fun#my weekly hours are about to drastically decrease#doesn’t help that my laptop loves to be dramatic#i have to let it sit for at least an hour before playing#somebody sedate me#i hate school#rambling#stardew valley#sdv
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#I am having such a bad day#like the fucking worst#and the stars aligned for me to have no one to really talk to about it#my parents are at a concert (jealous)#I don’t want to talk to my brother bc he’s the main reason I’m upset#my bff is in south central working and doesn’t have cell service#my other bff is across the us and is already asleep#two of my close friends here are over seas or on a cruise without cell service#my other friend here is out with his guy friends having fun and I’m not gonna stop him#get ready for a self-pity moment here#I know my blog is pretty new#that I’ve been here for… maybe a year?#tbh I can’t remember when I stopped lurking and started engaging#but I always feel like I’m outside looking in at all my mutuals#who dm each other and talk and are friends#and I often feel just like a mutual and not a tumblr friend#and I know that shit takes time#but I just want someone to talk to about my fics and stuff but I feel bad reaching out#bc why would anyone want to talk to me when they have other people in this fandom they like more#man the demons are really getting me today#even my cat bit me#she’s snuggling me now but she bit me earlier#ugh#I don’t think the never ending overcast 40 degree weather is helping either I wish it were warm and sunny#just one day for the love of god#anyway#if you’ve read this far thanks for listening#I’ll probably feel better tomorrow or maybe later in the week#honestly thank god I rebound so fast and generally have a happy disposition
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shouldn’t have checked my bank account as expected my mother has taken thousands more dollars from my savings and has almost run me dry more or less. Cool!
#I’m going to fucking call the bank and ask about a second checking account because she’s never going to make her own fucking account#it’s been like a year since she said she would and it’s just not gonna happen#she owes me thousands of dollars via me paying her fucking overdraft fees and she always says ‘what you think I won’t pay you back?’ no!!!!!#no I don’t!!!!!!! because you literally never have!!!!!!!!!!!#and where the fuck are you going to get like 8000 dollars anyway. because that’s what she owes me at the very least#even if you want to factor in like. paying her monthly for the groceries she buys and cat food and whatever that’s still. thousands of#dollars. and the worst part about it is I just have no safety net anymore#because my savings is basically nothing at this point. like nothing that can help in a dire situation anymore.#I keep thinking about whatever im going to have to end up paying for top surgery and I WOULD have a significant amount saved up to#contribute to that but haha! no I don’t! it’s fucking gone!#and I’ve been getting paid basically fucking nothing lately because of how few hours they’re scheduling me so that does not fucking help#my last paycheck was literally like half of what I should be getting. I made like 1K in the past two paychecks. that’s fucking depressing#anyway I’ve given myself a headache#I’ve been avoiding looking at my bank account because I knew it would be bad and it’d stress me the fuck out but I also have been anxious#not knowing and my mother making a few vague comments that implied she must have fucked me over. so I checked today and yeah she sure did#if I don’t make a new checking account that she can’t access i am actually going to be broke within the nenxt few months at this rate#my head hurts and I am so upset I am so upset I work so fucking hard and it doesn’t even matter i just lose money constantly#I get nothing I just pay her fucking fees and pay for my tuition and pay for everything else of any significance#and I am not exaggerating I work my ass off. I am the only person I know at my job who begs to work holidays and extra days and stay as late#as possible and it . doesn’t even matter#im going to kill myself I swear to god. there’s shit I need to buy. what am I supposed to do.#kibumblabs#vent#like shit I need to buy for WORK. my manager is getting on me about not having proper shoes for example and yeah I can get a discount#through shoes for crews but I still dont have the fucking money for anything anymore#not unless I want to run myself into the fucking ground#I need a new binder badly. I need new black pants also for work since mine are so faded at this point.#I only have one fitted sheet that doesn’t have giant holes in it#I can’t stop thinking about my last paycheck it was literally the worst I’ve seen since starting this job a year ago. fucking infuriating
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sometimes I think about writing and singing music not because I’m an incredible singer but because no one has my fucking voice, especially in popular music, and its disheartening to be born a girl, told you’ll only get girl roles or try to voice match other girls, or ‘sing with the girls’ and then only be able to match male voices because you’re a fuckin tenor and not anything higher. I can’t think of any girl Broadway roles I can hit all the notes on. Most songs I love I have to pitch down for myself or use falsetto for singing along to. It bothers me a lot less now because I’m an adult who’s more secure in myself but as a teen in kids musical theatre it FUCKED with me, BAD style. And I know for a fact that even now when I hear people with a voice like mine singing I get excited and immediately invested in their work because they’re like ME, finally, for once. A brother in this world of being afab and having the voice of a recently pubescent boy forever. Maybe I should be that brother too.
#Using randomly gendered words because that’s me now but hey#Regardless of if you were born afab and are a girl 100% or if you were born afab and are someone else#It STILL sucks to always be grouped along with ‘girls’ just because of your voice and realize#You CANT hit that. You can’t hit the mark for ‘girl’. You’ll never achieve that without like. Hrt#Just say THE VOCAL CLASS. Like. Sopranos sing with this. Tenors with this. Bass with this. Etc#Then it doesn’t hurt! But nooo instead they’re looking or ‘sing with the other girls’ and you fucking can’t#And it gives you a crisis at age 14#Anyway all I know is when other people who were assigned female at birth and aren’t on something they changes ones voice#and just happen to have born with the same deep ass voice as me. It makes me proud to hear them use it#Because not enough people do. It’s like we’re all collectively embarrassed or something#I see so many sad posts from teenagers posting their dream roles and the reason they won’t get it is ‘girl’#and it’s like. I remember being that kid. Never able to get a female lead because of my voice. Never able to get a male lead because of gir#Even though my voice and appearance could easily swing male. Nope! You’re GIRL. So you’re doomed to background forever :)#I got 1 lead role and it was when I was at my most feminine and was also for a villain that was a fat hag#I LOOOOVED playing her im aunt sponge forever. BUT. Never getting one again after that… showed me. Something#More gender blind casting and more songs just written for tenors please#doing just ONE of those things would probably solve the issue#But both please because I’m greedy and I want what I couldn’t have for every kid today#(And also me in the future in adult community theatre. Haven’t had time/too intimidated so far but I WILL go back)#And before anyone questions the language on this post. I STRUGGLED with how to word it#TERFs begone. I love trans people. I am nonbinary and some form of intersex (pcos).#I just word it this way because of like. Where we all start#Whether we stay GIRL girls or realize we’re somewhere in between. It crushes us either way to have the ‘wrong’ voice to do anything#Because it did me at first. And I’m otherwise GLAD to be confusing#I’ve come to love my deep voice it baffles others and they never know what to call me it really helps the whole ‘what am I’ presentation#But. In terms of certain things. Like being in theatre in the deep south#It certainly does not help and can be disheartening#Especially back when I was younger and more self conscious#lion’s lair
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today I’ve managed to do two tasks that i haven’t done but needed/should’ve done a while ago. first and biggest was doing the laundry of my t-shirts seeing as i was all out of my best black ones two weeks ago and my okay ones probably a week ago. the last two days I’ve worn a “best” one that I found on my couch, and then today I had to wear one that makes me a bit uncomfortable. good on me bc I need a really good one tomorrow and this way i also got the wash my pajama biker shorts. this was a major success, good on me!! the second one was nice the bathroom cleaning spray the own meter from the floor to the shelf it belongs on after thinking about doing it for over a week. which, also success but it took me less than ten seconds so it feels more like a failure of not having done it before then it does a success now. but the laundry!
#i also took care of the clean dry laundry that’s been hanging out in this ‘box’ i use to transport clean laundry from the bathroom to#the living room#that one was assisted by my mom being in my apartment and saying ‘I’ll look for the pen and you take care of the laundry’#but i managed to get the last object in and started the dishwasher all by myself too#as well as i was the one who found the pen my mom came to help me find#bc i was losing my mind and getting so mad over not finding it only to find it like 5 minutes after she came#i was supposed to try to vacuum and mop the floors today#that had been the goal for several days#but then i did all this#as well as watched my sibling’s dog for a couple of hours#which meant having a sleeping puppy on my chest/stomach for a few hours#(no it doesn’t have to mean that but i was gonna sit on my couch messing around on my phone anyway so I wasn’t gonna do anything else#)
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little autistic boy in my swim class i love you 💗
#he doesn’t like to put his face in the water and when i told my kids we would be working on jumping into the deep water today he started#shaking like a leaf and when he would slide into the water with my help he’d hold onto me for dear life. he is so precious.#i was treading for the both of us but that’s okay because by the end he was getting in the deep water !! huge improvement!!#🫧🪴
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Spent too long on instagram feel like killing myself
#I keep my ig SO small bc it literally gives me brain damage#but every so often I can’t stop myself looking up people I shouldn’t#and then I’m on there for an hour just making myself feel like shit#doesn’t help that my period started today so I already feel like shit both physically and emotionally#might as well add to it for the next four days
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