#doing something as involved as sorting through all my stuff without being distracted is just so challenging

[icewindandboringhorror]

sometimes looking at like Self Help Strategies lists for the symptoms I'm having is always just like:

thing that I already do

thing I have tried 10 times

thing I already do

thing that I don't have the money to do

thing I already do

thing I've been doing since I was 10yrs old to no avail

thing that is impossible given my situation

thing that doesn't apply to me

thing that I already do

thing I have already tried

hrmm, oh wait, maybe finally- OH, yeah.. okay. thing that I already do but it was just phrased slightly differently

thing I have already done

[tvrningout-a]

after today, i feel that i might not be very active till friday evening bc man… packing is much harder than i thought it would be

[rubyfoxfyre]

What did you base Alastors Nox Magia off of? Why type of magic is it and where did you get the ideas for a good ass fanfic?

Thank you for the question!

The answer is sort of a long story that I suppose begins with my first exposure to Hazbin Hotel in general, during a particularly doomed D&D campaign where my character basically acted exactly like Charlie did in the pilot:

Granted, Fianna is not anything like Charlie at all, but the DM found it funny enough to send me the gif above and then everyone got distracted for about 5 minutes while they started meming.

The next day I watched the show and was completely hooked!

I started looking into the Wiki to get a greater understanding of the world shown, read the comics (like all 20 pages hahaha), and listened to Addict while working on prompts for Charlastor Week 2022, taking a break from my regular manuscript I'd been working on for a few years (stay tuned for updates soon on that one!). I had about a month so I decided to try my hand at smaller short stories, since some of the authors I idolize are so good at short fiction, and conveying strong emotions in just a few thousand words.

I watched and rewatched the Pilot, studying the characterizations there as well as thinking about funny and unexpected scenarios the characters could get into while dealing with the concept of redemption and how to make it work (needless to say that the fact that they already had it happen was... unexpected. I have thoughts on that but will put a pin in that for now to avoid getting too distracted from your question!).

I can't remember which rewatch it was that I picked up on an interesting exchange between Charlie and Alastor that turned into a whole mess that would consume me to this day:

She tries to put a limitation on his ability to do too much, and I wondered if that could lead to a sort of interesting power-play between them (because in the end this is the part of their relationship that is fundamentally interesting - they're both powerful people with opposing moralities, having to work together to acheive a common goal). Basically, because Charlie's not precise with her language, she ends up basically not controlling Alastor at all. Which works out in its way, because she hides from her deeper wellspring of power with the aid of a gentle persona.

I liked the idea of something deeper between them and within themselves - and with them being opposing forces, I wanted to work with the idea of Alastor being associated with "night" and "dark", versus Charlie being associated with "sunlight" and "rainbows".

Shadow and Flame, only a bit less Lord of the Rings and a bit more sexy.

Nox Magia , the "night" magic, follows basic arcane principles that I've picked up on through the long and involved process of being a massive nerd and reading a lot of stuff.

For writing magic, I like looking at basic logic structures and hovering somewhere between harder and softer magic. My other manuscript that is premiering this year will be discussing some differing types of magic systems as well, if you enjoy reading Riddle and my other works, I hope you enjoy those as well!

But as for the story itself, it wasn't meant to be a story about a man falling in love... it's the story of a man being dragged into love, kicking and screaming about it. 🦌🌈

To Alastor the Hotel is about control, and his experience there is just a game not to be taken too seriously. Charlie is also about control, or rather, trying to find a way to control without breaking everything with her terrible strength.

Alastor embraces his strength, while she hides from it, and he finds that contradictory instinct in her interesting, so he comes up with the idea of a game to teach her some magic that might help her. But as with all magic, intent governs everything (even when you don't realize), and the spells he's teaching are telling a particular kind of story - you can preview what's happening in the chapter titles that have the runes' names! 🍷

❤️ Thanks so much for reading! ❤️

[peace-coast-island]

Diary of a Junebug

Searching for hidden gems while overcoming trust issues simply by doing our best

I try to generally keep a somewhat optimistic outlook on people, but sometimes I come across something and my reaction’s along the lines of disappointed but not surprised. The lengths some people will go to mistreat another and try to justify their behavior is disturbing, but I guess that’s in their nature. However, that doesn’t mean that they can get away with it all the time. Sooner or later, they’ll have to pay for their transgressions, and maybe that’s why it’s always good to hold out a tiny bit of hope that things will change for the better.

It’s not easy to escape a shitty situation, and it’s not easy moving on from it. Just because you’re in a much better place now doesn’t mean that the trauma you’ve experienced goes away overnight. Things like trust issues, anger and resentment, and the feeling of being broken and unlovable - those are the kinds of scars that stay with you. That doesn’t mean you can’t overcome them, it just takes a lot of time and effort, and it is far from easy.

What sparked this whole thing was two different incidents that are kinda connected in a way. But first, let me go back and explain why we’re in Yuexing for a sort of impromptu event. And what kind of activity would that be? A gyroid event, of course!

Globe gyroids are kinda uncommon and tend to pop up wherever and whenever they want. We know for certain that they tend to show up in places with high cliffs and soil rich with various minerals, and so Yuexing fits that description. And also, besides the gyroids, we’re also here to check out the jade since it’s said to be very high quality. Good thing I know someone who knows someone who can give us access to the good stuff without breaking the bank.

Connie was the one who heard about the globe gyroids and told me and Isabelle about it. Part of the reason why they invited us up here for that is so we can sort of provide a good distraction for some people who could really use a break. After the ordeal they went through, they really do deserve to take it easy.

What brought this on were Sophea’s latest clients, an adventuring trio dealing with harassment due to unsubstantiated rumors and likely just bad luck. Basically, three complete strangers came together to become an adventuring team, rising probably a bit too quickly in the ranks, causing some to become suspicious of their success. As with most cases like that, it’s just a series of coincidences and pure luck, especially when you consider their backgrounds and combined talents.

In this case, there’s the party leader Nikolai, a seasoned adventurer, so someone with a lot of expertise and knowledge when it comes to that kind of stuff. Then there’s Saff who, like Sophea, is half human and half mystical beast, so she’s someone with unique skills and life experiences. And then Cerise, who comes from a noble family of mages in another land, meaning they’re quite powerful in terms of politics and influence.

It’s not uncommon for underdogs to suddenly rise up in ranks, although it certainly does cast suspicion depending on who you ask. However, in most cases, these suspicions are unfounded - but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t instances where some people use underhanded methods to climb their way to the top. The investigations are really to protect the adventurers under question as often times these rumors are usually started by someone who opposes them, usually out of jealousy.

What made this particular case difficult is the parties that are involved. In other words, two separate but similar motives in an attempt to discredit someone. And to make matters even more complicated, it’s the kind of harassment that puts someone in danger, which is why law enforcement has to get involved. What a mess that is.

First, there’s Nikolai being outed by his former mentor. Said mentor was like a parent to him, the one who raised him to become a capable adventurer, groomed him to be his successor, blah, blah, blah. Except things didn’t go the way the mentor had planned because Nikolai - surprise, surprise - is his own person with his own thoughts, options, methods, and moral compass. Basically, his mentor’s adventure party is involved with a lot of shady stuff and he didn’t agree to that, which ultimately led to him getting kicked out.

Of course, at first Nikolai just went along with it because he had no other choice - can’t fault him for that. Still, he couldn’t help but feel guilty for being a bystander while his mentor and comrades get away with scamming others. And because they were quite wealthy and powerful, that inevitably complicated things as there was no way to fight back without repercussions.

Eventually, he reached his limit when a particular incident went too far. At least at that point, when they inevitably kicked him out, at least he’d be able to support himself for a time. He had hoped that his other party members would stand by his side, especially his now ex-girlfriend, only to be disappointed in the end. And now they’re claiming how they’ve been “deceived” by him after he was outed. Some friends they are.

Thankfully, it didn’t take long for him to bounce back. He, Saff, and Cerise happen to regulars at a local bar, so that’s how they met. It was crowded that night and they ended up sharing a table. Then they got drunk and opened up to each other about their woes and trust issues. Next thing they knew, they headed off to the local adventure’s guild to register as a team.

Initially, they just went on missions so they could pay their bills, though as time went on, they slowly came to trust each other. It wasn’t long before they started taking on difficult missions and climbing the ranks. Really, there’s not that much to it other than that.

Saff, like Nikolai, was once affiliated with a party who later tossed her aside. She’s originally from the north, though she believes her mythical beast roots are from Yuexing, which was why she moved there. She didn’t go into much detail other than her so-called friends were just using her and taking all the credit for her accomplishments. And then one day, for reasons unknown, they decided she was of no use to them anymore, so they robbed her and left her for dead in the middle of a dungeon.

Somehow she got rescued and later found out that her party left to travel west while telling others that Saff met a tragic end. By the time she reported the incident, their whereabouts became unknown, so it’s out of her hands now. As soon as she recovered and was told to leave the rest up to the authorities, Saff left, determined to make a clean break. Although she could care less about her ex-friends, they are considered fugitives, so when they finally get caught - well, that’s another legal mess she’ll have to deal with later. Besides, with everything else going on, it’s a good thing that they’re not involved with the current situation.

Cerise, unlike the others, had no prior experience as an adventurer. Despite hailing from a prestigious clan, she was treated like an outsider because she is disabled, which they are ashamed of. She considers it a mixed blessing that her parents sent her off to boarding school as it distanced herself from them. Although she’s the eldest, she was always infantilized and bullied, especially by her younger siblings and cousins. Had she stayed home, she doubts she’d be alive by now. Yikes.

She figured that when word got out that she had become an adventurer, no one would care. Instead, what she got as a response was not only hostility, but straight up harassment from certain people in her family. Cerise knew that they had little faith in her, though she never thought that they seriously assume that she had malicious intentions or something. She was under the false assumption that if she was able to prove that she could stand on her own, she’d finally get the respect she rightfully deserves. If only it were that simple…

Instead, when they realized that Cerise could take care of herself given the right accommodations, they interpreted that as her needing to be coddled in order to do the bare minimum, therefore, she’s nothing but a spoiled brat who can’t take care of herself. Again, yikes. She stopped expecting too much from them a long time ago, but when they started making her question whether or not she deserves autonomy over her own life, it’s no wonder why it’s hard for her to stand up for herself.

Cerise and Saff’s troubles began not too long after Cerise’s family heard about the investigation. Saff was unwittingly dragged into the family drama and lost her cool when she witnessed the bullying Cerise had to put up with. So she jumped to her friend’s defense, though she admits that she overstepped her boundaries a bit - still, she meant what she said for the most part. She and Cerise didn’t expect her siblings and cousins to blow things way out of proportion, labeling Cerise as a helpless puppet and Saff as manipulative mastermind. In other words, it was a private dispute turned into a spectacle, which inevitably added even more fuel to the fire. Situations like that never turn out well for both sides regardless of who’s right or who’s wrong.

The initial investigation was nothing remarkable, just a routine thing to make sure no one’s cheating, or abusing their power, or pulling some strings - and that should’ve been it. But no, now some people with petty grudges had to come in and start up some flames of their own. And for what? Revenge? Jealousy? Or are they just a bunch of whiny bitches who can’t stand the fact that their victims are doing better without them? Beats me. Though, considering the roots of these attacks are basically transphobia and ableism, it’s pretty obvious what their angle is.

As if the harassment and bullying isn’t enough, Cerise came across another thing that’s pretty fucked up. Basically, her siblings and cousins have been making bets on how Cerise will die because, A, adventurers live a high-risk lifestyle, and so their lifespans if they’re a mortal human are obviously shorter. And B, there’s a likely chance that she would commit suicide. So they’re making bets on whether she’d die by accident, murder, or suicide - what the fuck. And not only that, they also plan on profiting from her death, making it out to be sensational tragedy or something to draw sympathy or something. I’m like okay…that’s really fucked up and disrespectful…what the fuck is wrong with these people?

In light of that disturbing information, that prompted Sophea and Connie to tell the trio to get their affairs sorted out. They may not have much to their names right now, but that won’t stop their enemies from taking advantage of them when they’re dead. In Nikolai’s case, if he doesn’t put an executor on paper, his old mentor could easily swoop in and take over. So that means nothing would stop him from not only stealing what little property and assets he had, it’s also likely that he’d bury Nikolai under his deadname, leaving him to be misgendered and disrespected for eternity. What better way to disrespect the dead than to disregard their identity?

In Cerise’s case, Sophea notes some similarities with a high profile case she took on recently that’s still on the public’s mind. It involved the downfall of a once prestigious clan following various scandals, including allegations of abuse towards the former master’s eldest daughter. The daughter, like Cerise, has a mild intellectual disability, and so her father was ashamed of her existence. Thankfully, after she was thrown out of the house, another family took her in, and the head of that family, a general whose sister is an acquaintance of Sophea’s, later proposed to her.

Not too long after Lifeng took Shuyi under his wing, the allegations came out, which Shuyi’s father tried to deny at first. Some time later, Shuyi was reunited with her mother’s family, who were forced to cut off contact when her mother married into the Yulin clan. Basically, it was an arranged marriage for political reasons. After his first wife died, the former head of the Yulin clan married his mistress and they had a daughter who was going to be his successor.

While getting reacquainted with her mother’s relatives, Shuyu and her uncle came across her mother’s will that was hidden away long ago. To no one’s surprise, the Yulin head forged his first wife’s will so he could put himself as executor and take everything for himself. There has been suspicions, but without evidence, like an actual physical document, it was only speculation. As the family suspected, the authentic will maintained her brother as the executor and her daughter as the sole benefactor. And that put the final nail in the coffin for the Yulin clan.

The last thing Shuyu and Lifeng wanted was for the whole thing to become a public spectacle, but the ex-master apparently was desperate to save face. The legal mess that followed thanks to him was a nightmare, so most legal advisors dared not to get involved. Sophea was understandably reluctant too, but because she’s well acquainted with the Tianyu clan and is known to not be easily swayed or bribed, she was the best advisor who could put this potentially drawn out legal debacle to a swift end.

Because two powerful families are involved, the case was bound to draw a lot of attention. The general public was sympathetic to Shuyu and felt she deserved what was rightfully hers. When her father realized that, he tried to justify his abuse towards her in some desperate attempt to gain favor. Obviously, it didn’t work, and that led to an infamous confrontation in the courtroom when he made some speech about how his daughter was feebleminded and that she would never amount to anything - basically shit like it’s for her own good or she wouldn’t have known better.

By then, Shuyu was understandably fed up and told her father to go fuck himself, which surprised everyone in the room because she was said to be soft spoken and somewhat passive. Then again, we all have out limits. Sophea had a feeling that if it wasn’t for the fact that he was in public, he probably would’ve killed his daughter right on the spot. In the end, the Yulins refused to accept their downfall and committed suicide, blaming Shuyu for what happened. Shuyu’s sister is missing, though most likely dead considering how loyal she was towards her parents.

There’s still a lot of unresolved stuff with the Yulin case, but at least Shuyu’s no longer in their clutches. Sophea has to work with the estate in terms of giving Shuyu the money and property that’s rightfully hers, which will take a while considering the mess her father left behind. It’s not an ideal resolution, though it’s a start. As long as Shuyu’s safe and happy, that’s what really matters in the end.

With that case fresh in her mind, it makes sense that Sophea wants to make sure Nikolai, Cerise, and Saff get their affairs in order to avoid an incident like with Shuyu’s mother. It may not seem like a big deal, especially if you think you don’t have much to your name, but people should have a say in regards to how they want their death to be handled. It’s just basic decency and respect. Plus, in places like Yuexing, it’s also a cultural thing - deaths and funeral rites are big deal over there, so it must be done with utmost respect.

In light of finding out that certain people are making a game out of her supposed death in hopes of profiting off it, Cerise wants to know all she can about the topic of making a final will and testament to avoid being exploited when her time comes. Nikolai, knowing full well that his former mentor’s the type to disrespect someone’s wishes just because he can, also wants to delve more deeply into that - not just to protect himself, but to also protect others in a similar situation. Saff’s indifferent, mainly because she’s not a mortal, but that doesn’t mean she’s invincible. Better get those final affairs sorted out now rather than never, Sophea and Connie had warned her. They would know.

Despite the heavy stuff they’re dealing with, the trio’s glad that most of their troubles are behind them now that Sophea and Connie are helping out. Nikolai’s former mentor is currently in a lot of hot water because of an unrelated problem and now that the general public knows about his various transgressions like harassing and outing his former student, it’s safe to say that there’s no coming back from that. Whatever happens to his ex-mentor from here on out is no longer Nikolai’s concern.

As for Cerise, her situation’s a bit more complicated, but for now, the best thing she can do is shut them out, which is fine by her. Besides, with one of Yuexing’s best legal advisors around, Cerise knows that her family isn’t stupid enough to fight a losing battle unlike a certain former clan. Plus, she’s done trying to bend over backwards just to get approval from those who will never respect her. She’s found people who care for her unconditionally and won’t get mad at her for being slow and constantly make mistakes, and she’s found that to be more than enough. If certain people have an issue with that, well, fuck them for hating on someone’s happiness.

The one upside to all of this mess is that it allowed the trio to really get to know each other. The three admit to having trust issues, which is understandable given what they’ve been through, which was what ended up bringing them together. Despite being jaded by what they’ve had to deal with, it made them more determined to believe that people are still inherently good. Just because they’ve suffered doesn’t give them permission to do the same to others, and that’s what probably kept them from becoming completely disillusioned.

Nikolai said it best about how there’s a lot of suffering in the world already and it’s getting old. Break the cycle, so to speak. I see where he’s getting at and I think he’s right. People with that mindset are the ones who get things done and see to it that things change for the better.

Read on AO3

[kyluxtrashpit]

For a he WIP game, I’d like to hear about both Braids and Renben 7

Oooh of course! Thanks for asking!

So Braids is a renben fic that’s been rattling around for a long while (and people who’ve been my rubber ducks before probably remember it lmao). The concept of it is basically an attempt at a bit more of a “soft” dynamic for them, at least softer than I’ve written before. The idea is that Kylo, given his mom is Leia, probably has some experience braiding hair (both his own and Leia’s - I headcanon she taught him a lot of traditional hairstyles from Alderaan, which in this headcanon involve a lot of braids, with some being very intricate). Ren, as we know, does braid at least part of his hair. So what if Ren broke his hand in a fight? And his hair, braids included, is all fucked up from said fight? Well, normally he’d just wait for the expired bacta patches to take effect and deal with it later, but now he has a new recruit who is absolutely desperate for any sort of intimacy and approval (and may or may not be in over his head and seeking something familiar and calming). Anyway, that’s a lot of words to say that new recruit Kylo helps an injured Ren with his hair and there is ~emotions~ and ~intimacy~. Talking about it makes me think I should look at it again someday soon cause I do still love the idea

Now for Renben 7, that ones technically a misnomer as the active relationship is kylux and renben is in the past, but it’s about Ren and Kylo with Hux not even appearing so lmao, I still called it Renben 7 (even though I have far more than 7 renben fics posted). To give full context, for anyone who doesn’t know, the first 8 parts to my Renben series on ao3 are intended to tell a story together (though they each stand alone too). That’s Know Your Shadow through to Distraction, with the other 6 being just one offs. The idea here was to tell the story of how renben became kylux in a largely canon-compliant way, with Ren being alive as the key difference. Unfortunately, that proved too ambitious and the other missing pieces are probably not happening but it is what it is

(For full info, there was supposed to be at least one between Test Run and Distraction, about kylux finally getting it on but not becoming emotionally attached yet, just a casual thing. Then Distraction shifts more to a kylux dynamic, and then there probably would’ve been one more after that locking in the kylux before we get to Renben 7, which was supposed to be the final piece. Though more one shots, such as Braids, could’ve been added too)

So Renben 7 itself is basically a time skip happening and Ren comes to visit Kylo on the Finalizer after they haven’t seen each other for a while. As such, there’s some catching up to do, Ren commenting on how Kylo is getting stronger, looking more grown up, but Ren’s still gonna call him ‘kid’ and stuff. Ren’s a little older too, but he’s still the same as he always was. It’s sort of like. A bonding moment for them. They talk about how Kylo is firmly committed to Hux now (so no more casual rolls for him and Ren) and there’s some teasing and stuff. This is basically the closing, where Ren moves to more of like. A mentor figure rather than a sex partner kind of thing. I guess it’s soft too, but in a different way lmao. I’d still really like to write this one too, cause even without the in between bits, I think it closes off the continuous part of the series quite well. It’s closure, the kind of closure with Ren that neither Kylo nor we, the audience, got in canon

But yeah, those are the two! I still hope one day to get them done. I’ll have to take a look at them someday soon cause maybe talking about them will make the words juice happen lmao

[f1-stuff]

hi! gn...i wonder how do you manage to write smut scenes so hot using not that many words? how do you make it sound so sexy? i kind of like to write smut but mine seems flat and not really emotional :/

omg hi... my answer ended up being long so it's under the cut!

First of all, thank you - I'm not sure that anyone feels 100% happy with the smut that they write (or even 50% happy lol), and I am definitely included in that group. I often cringe when I read back my own writing, and I think there will always be room to grow. Also, just to get this out of the way, "good smut" is entirely subjective and there are many different types of smut that can be good, but my answer is gonna lean toward the kind I write, for obvious reasons.

All of that being said, and with the understanding that I need to take my own advice 😅, I think a lot of times, less is more. It can feel like you need to be really descriptive to get across what you're imagining in your head, but oftentimes, all of the descriptive stuff starts coming across as a bit clinical, and distracts from the emotion of the moment. Some description is necessary, but I also have to remind myself sometimes that in this moment, the character whose perspective I'm in probably wouldn't be cataloguing every little thing happening after a certain point - they would be swept up in the moment and likely not thinking with their brain anymore lol.

Maybe the most important part of the best smut (imo) is the characters connecting. Never forget that these are two (or more) people doing something incredibly intimate together, even if the characters aren't necessarily thinking about that or acknowledging it. So sometimes, it's good to introduce moments of pause/introspection, or just moments where the characters are simply connecting on an emotional level, amidst all the physical stuff. I also like to try and come up with specific things that each character likes, whether it's related to their personality/kinks/etc. I think this helps bring the characters to life and makes the smut more personal and unique, which makes it feel more real.

In terms of my process, I always try to write a smut scene all the way through, without stopping or getting interrupted (which is sometimes outside of your control). I feel like writing it that way helps to get me into the moment and helps me better flow from one thing to the next, as if I were there and the natural next thing would be to...etc. Also, remind yourself of all the senses: sight, sound, touch, taste, smell... I wanna feel like I'm there! But that doesn't mean including all those senses all the time. Just remember that sometimes the sound of something or the feel of something etc. can be sexier than the actual thing, and that maybe describing those elements instead of the mechanics of something could take the smut to the next level.

After that, I usually give it a day and go back to read it with fresh eyes. This is when I cringe-read through whatever I wrote the first time lol. But that's totally normal (at least in my experience)! Then, I sort of tweak things to either add more description, or add in the moments of pause/introspection/connection I mentioned before. There's no limit to how many times I might re-read and edit a fic, so it's safe to assume that I've probably edited a smut scene some 20 times before it gets posted anywhere.

Reading smut that you really enjoy and trying to pick apart what you like about it can be helpful. But I also think that ultimately, to write your own, you have to find a way to connect with the characters and make the reader connect with them too. Even in smut that doesn't involve 'romance,' the characters are still feeling something, whether it be excitement, anger, a sense of power, a lack of control - whatever! Find what's motivating the characters, imbue that in the writing, and it'll help bring the smut to life :)

[dreadfutures]

This is your permission to vent if you want, or not, but genuinely, how is the strike going? How are you holding up? How long do you think you'll be at it/how's the response from the university so far?

Thank you for asking!!

Once again I'm not a union official or strike captain or really plugged into the leadership, this is just what I've heard from the official updates all UAW members get and what people are rumoring on the ground. This is vibes and not official in anyway.

Except for one official thing: DONT VANDALIZE PROPERTY, DONT SKIP CLASS, DONT USE FORCE TO PROHIBIT INGRESS/EGRESS FROM LOCATIONS!!!! Ask your profs to cancel class in solidarity, instead. ;)

It's going well I think! The University (system) has a slow response time to what's happening on the ground, so I think right now we're seeing the response to the strength we showed at the end of last week (which was record, phenomenal, Solidarity). The University has quit stonewalling certain topics at the bargaining table. It seems really promising that we're gonna get some historic deals that might...reshape what these outdated models of "apprenticeship" look like going forward.

We're never gonna meet an industry level of compensation and no one is asking for that, we know we're doing PhDs for low pay, but we have limits that we just can't take anymore. "you can't eat prestige" and "passion doesn't pay the rent" really are just...trueisms.

The new deal the postdocs are getting progress with looks...astonishing honestly, in a great way. We'll see what happens with the other units!

I'd say my campus is the most conservative and complacent of the 10 campuses, and we still managed to get amazing and astounding and thrilling amount of turnout. Even in STEM, which is well paid by general standards (relative........$30k is still not good 😂)

Every time we make gains however the University then sends out new waves of threats. Departments like mine have been threatening their TAs and GSRs (illegal threats and threats of illegal actions) in a variety of ways, in particular with regard to the empty/fake "research units" we are forced to sign up for *in order to be employed by the university*. It's a blatant effort to discourage and retaliate against strikers, and illegal, and unfair labor practices have been filed. But unfortunately it sucks to have to live through. Even if my advisor doesn't go through with it, even if he does and it then gets *undone*, it's still a stain on our relationship going forward. And fuck the department.

Fortunately (?) the threats are what actually pushed a bunch of people who were anti-strike or just complacent into being like "wtf, department/university, that's evil" and made them join the picket line

I hope we'll be able to reach deals for all the units next week. The University will likely hope we lose steam over the holiday so we definitely need to keep the showing strong next week. I'm hopeful!

On a personal note it's...been really strange finding myself leading chants and being asked to make speeches. 🙈 I have given serious side eye to many people in my department who got involved with DEI and other activist initiatives just to...have something they can rule over as king or queen. They want to be known for something without doing anything substantial, and edge other well meaning people out because they consider others to be a threat to their monopoly. There are people who cry racism and sexism and corporate corruption at every little thing, just to scare people into giving them what they want, and it's kind of...ruined that reputation for anyone who wants to get involved. It makes people like my advisor think that any sort of activism or mentorship is just distractions from work, or SJW stuff in the worst sense. I agree when it comes to those people! They make it really hard to want to be associated with any sort of activism or outreach!

So I really don't want to be strike captain and I really don't want to be The Lead or The Contact, but I've ended up in that role...because no one else wants to, or can, on my side of campus. I'm literally getting "so and so from chem?! it's you!!" and it makes me want to not be here. It puts a target on my back and it puts more microphones in my hand, and it leads more people to look to me for answers that I don't have (fortunately my first year room mate and I are still right and she's a lead organizer, so I can get answers or direct people).

(Ironically, the people I mentioned who want to be Known as activists and as The Most Woke and stuff...aren't striking. 🙄 they are comfortable with the establishment because they have set themselves up as the token minority yes-man for the establishment.)

I'm really touched and honored and just trying to listen to what's needed and do my best and ask for what I can do that would be most helpful. But I'm exhausted and it feels like this is... something I have been inextricably linked to. It makes me worry about employment in the future and what the rest of my time in my program is going to look like.

Also my department (student wise) is still so complacent or anti union. It's lonely.

A friend of mine defended her thesis recently and her dad, conservative from Texas, was talking at her going away party about how good it was that we were striking and solidarity and stuff and...it was so awkward because I was the *only person there* who is striking. Everyone else is too scared of their advisors, or doesn't want to be associated with Cringe People, or just doesn't care enough because we have it good.

(we have it good at the moment.... But the department HAS denied us raises before arbitrarily, and they HAVE been scummy, and their generosity is not codified in writing... What they give they can and do take away to control us)

🥲 I really don't hold it against people and people are constantly surprised that I don't have hard feelings against the people who aren't striking. But people just have a variety of personal situations and frankly striking hurts me and my progress more than it hurts my advisors research program, so I get it. I'm not out here calling people scabs or getting bitter about people not striking. I'm mostly striking for other people, who I know, at other universities or postdocing and not being able to afford to live.

But the fact of the matter is that just by standing alone, they have set me apart as Us Vs. Them. Friends assume I think they're cowards or that I think I'm better than them, and it's made things strained.

I'm confident it'll smooth over but. It's a little lonely.

I tore off a chunk of my toe tripping while leading a chant on Monday, I have lost my voice completely and have a gunked up respiratory system from so much shouting and talking and speechifying, and my brain feels utterly empty and coming home to an empty house just feels cavernous and echoingly overwhelmingly empty most days.

Also I put my hand on a literal stove and have an electric burner branded on my palm 🙄 I am glad right now for the break, I'm so tired. I wish I could write but my brain just has no words for myself, so I'm trying to find words for others. Holiday cards. Letters.

A very dear friend of mine gave me a call in the middle of the night because I said I missed him and we'd been promising to catch up for ages, and I didn't say it but I'd felt like. we were slipping, like I didn't mean much to him in the end after all, but he was there for me. Makes me miss him more (the one with the dog I drew as a Tintin homage in #my+art tag) and all the friends who've moved on already from here.

This campus has never been my home and I have been so, so unhappy here. I hate suburbs I hate socal I miss Public transit and the Bay Area and Santa Barbara and I can't wait for the next stage of my life when I get paid what I'm due and have real person hours instead of this 60-80 hr, 6 day work week that I've had through all of grad school.

But I've survived and I really, really hope I've helped make this a better place to be for the next sucker. I've been thinking about it a lot lately and I've been intimately involved in...a lot of efforts to reshape my department and the concept of a chemistry PhD in the UC system, over my five years here. We changed the demands put upon TAs in my first year. We demanded a better deal upon arrival, when the department used to withhold our pay for a full 2 months after our program started (putting so many of us in debt right at the start of our PhDs!). We reshaped how switching labs works. And now...

This historic movement.

It's something to be proud of, and I've really enjoyed getting to know more of the people who are helping make it possible, out on the picket line. I think I've made some friends with some math grad students who actually know what it's like to party 😂 we played beer (water) pong yesterday at the picket and I hope we're gonna be friends even after all this is done.

Thank you again for asking! I haven't had a chance to see my therapist since I decided to strike so. I haven't really allowed myself to reflect on things.

[greentrickster]

So, had a buck-wild dream last night that actually still had something of a coherent plot upon my awakening, so congrats, you get to hear my story of accidental prince-and-pauper situation!

There were prior events in this dream, but they don’t matter. What matters is, I’m at a craft show, a cool fancy one, and there’s a table with cool crystals and stuff that has a little contest going on - if you can find all the crystals on a list they have at booths other than theirs, you get to pick a cat plushie. It’s late, the show’s closing soon, but hey, plushie and crystals, I’m game!

So I write down the list of crystals I need to find and toddle off, looking at the booths I remember selling jewelry and such and jotting down names. There are only ten entries on the list, but people are starting to pack up, I have to be quick. HOWEVER, I absolutely get distracted by a performing group with a wuxia/xianxia theme to their performance, especially when I discover that there’s a rack of costumes people are allowed to try on, which I’m always a sucker for.

My friends, I should not have done this.

But not for the reasons you might expect.

Because I try on a long, white robe/hanfu sort of article of clothing with long sleeves and hemline, and next thing I know, I’m in a palace, being hailed as the missing prince, whom the emperor is very happy to have back and, in short order, have accidentally gotten myself engaged (to Belle, from the animated Beauty and the Beast, because for some reason all three potential fiances were women from Disney animated movies???), and been informed by the Emperor that I should try and have three sons, because that will work out better.

Meanwhile, I am sitting here, nodding and trying not to speak and to keep my face down and put my back to him whenever I can, because I am not the prince, the facker must have skived off and been part of the performing troupe or something to avoid getting engaged, and I need to leave!!!

Except, whoops, turns out that now ‘I, the prince,’ am engaged, that means it’s time to make me the official crown prince! And how do we do this in this empire, you ask? By tattooing special symbols on both my shoulder blades through that danged white robe I’m still wearing! Which means I’m sitting there, leaning against ‘my’ table, while a very nice lady tattoos the ‘horns of royalty’ on me (no idea what they looked like, I’m not part of this monarchy or empire and I can’t see my own back), thinking both “Ah-haha, there’s no going back from this, I’m being declared the official heir, and I’m the wrong person,” and also “...this actually kind of hurts, am I going to wake up from all this with an actual tattoo...?” (without actually fully cottoning on to the fact that this is a dream).

Anyway, I’m finally left alone for the ‘night,’ and realize, it’s time for me to try and scoot. So I grab a couple things, including the bag I brought with me to the craft show in the first place (and of course it’s the only thing that’s actually heavy enough to be awkward, the one thing I actually need to take with me because it has my stuff in it, of course), and start creeping my encumbered way towards the exit. I’m halfway there. Good.

ALL THE LIGHTS GO ON!!! Surprise, ‘Daddy’ dearest is holding me a congrats on the engagement party! Yay! (I’m never going to be free, argh!!!)

I manage to muddle my way through that, and then the nice tattoo lady is back because apparently it’s not just my shoulder blades getting tattooed, it’s my entire upper back (I don’t know how I know, but I do know large willow leaves and purple-ish peonies were getting involved at this point), and she’d been working on it for awhile, so we were chatting and bonding, and I was getting the sense that she was the woman I was actually going to end up marrying and not Belle at all.

And, because she was nice, and because all this was still hurting (even though dream), she suggests we continue the tattoo with me in a bath, because the warm water will help me relax and make it hurt less.

Yes I know this is not how tattooing works, but we were already tattooing through fabric, we’re obviously not playing by the proper rules here.

So I do this, she politely looks away while I finally take off that danged robe that got me into this trouble in the first place and get in the bath, and she continues her work. It’s going well.

EXCEPT THEN THE EMPEROR WALKS IN UNANNOUNCED, TAKES ONE LOOK AT MY COMPLETELY NAKED SELF, AND GOES, “YOU’RE NOT MY SON!!!” >:(((

To which I, in all my common sense, reply, “YOU THINK?!? I DON’T EVEN REALLY LOOK LIKE HIM, WE JUST HAVE SOMEWHAT SIMILAR HAIR!!!”

And sadly, in the midst of me and the emperor arguing (which did include me pointing out that I asked for none of this and was, in fact, just trying to attend a craft show), and the tattoo artist being and absolute pro and continuing with all the tattoos I’m supposed to have as the heir (which apparently included some on my hands, which garnered an internal “Haha, I will not be able to hide these at work” response from me, and also some by my eyes, which I put my foot down about and noped out of right after they started), I woke up.

So I’m afraid I don’t know what happened next.

Did not, in fact, wake up with new tattoos, which I have oddly mixed feelings about.

Kind of want to watch the show of this now.

[iamfruitie]

In Too Deep Chapter 36

Home Visit

“Do you think he’s going to tell?” Phantom asked Mare as the two stood in the kitchen the next morning. 

“He had to have believed us.” Mare sat down on the table. “There’s no reason that he wouldn’t.” 

“I’m shocked you didn’t try to fight him when he hoisted Mad up like that.” Phantom chuckled.

“Literally had to bite my own tongue.” Mare sighed. “That was the best acting performance we have put on in a long time.” 

“And we’ll still have to keep it up when we get back.” Phantom chewed on his lip. “Should probably make sure our stories are exactly the same before we go.” 

“We’re good at bullshitting with each other, but Dark is better at poking through the holes,” Mare said in agreement. 

“He knows our tricks 'cause he taught us most of them.” Phantom clicked his tongue. “We going the ‘one-night stand’ route?” 

“Dark’s not gonna want details on that stuff. We can usually distract him if we get dirty with our language.” Mare couldn’t help from being a little silly and doing a shimmy with that, getting Phantom to laugh. 

“You’d think with Wilford being his friend, he’d be used to that stuff.” Phantom made a face to tell Mare that someone was coming into the room. 

“We’ll work on it on the way there.” Mare kept his wording vague and turned his head, seeing Jackie walk into the kitchen. 

“Normally, I would stay out of other’s business, but I have a feeling what you two are talking about involves me and Mad,” Jackie said, having only caught the very end of the conversation. “It has to do with what happened last night, doesn’t it?” 

“You don’t need to worry about what happened last night,” Phantom said. “We have it covered.” 

“Have what covered? What’s going on? I know you two have the whole vampire thing going on, but does that mean something bad if the other ones figure out you’re with us? Do I need to hide Mad somewhere until it’s safe? He might know some basics of fighting, but he can only do so much, especially if he can’t get to his hammer. He’s fucked without it.” Jackie’s voice was thick with worry. He could take care of himself, he was a big guy that knew how to throw a damn good punch, but Mad was small, a scientist, he wasn’t one for fighting and could easily get hurt. 

“We got this, I promise.” Phantom went over to Jackie, placing his hands on his face to make him look at him. “The man that was over here last night, Wilford, he’s practically harmless. He’s just chaotic in the same way me and Mare are. He’s not going to do anything. Let’s get you home so you can get cleaned up, and then I’ll come over tonight and mess you all up again~”  

“Alright.” Jackie had a bit of a blush on his cheeks. “As long as Mad doesn’t get hurt.” 

“He won’t. Not while Mare likes his ass.” Phantom giggled and gave Jackie a quick kiss.

“Gross.” Mare made a face as he got off the table. “Let’s get going before you make me barf.” 

“Don’t be such a drama king.” 

“I will aim the puke at you.” 

“Rude!” 

x~x~x

From the outside, this home would have looked like an elderly house of sorts. Large, antique, and with a long list of history to it. All of that is correct, but the city that was many miles away didn’t know who lived inside this aged place. What they are and what they do. 

“Honey, I’m home!” Phantom called out with a laugh as he and Mare appeared at the front door.

“Hello!” A voice said inside of their heads, and they both turned to see a fellow vampire named JJ. He was about the same size as Mad, but with a mustache, hair hidden by a round hat, and dressed more formally with a button-up and vest. He also was unable to speak unless it was done through telepathic means. “Dark is in his office and is waiting for you.” 

“Thanks.” Mare flashed a smile at JJ. He’s always been fond of him, one of the kindest of the vampires in the home.  

“Might want to hurry, he’s annoyed~” Wilford came out from one of the nearby halls, singing the last word as he wrapped an arm around JJ’s shoulders, whispering something to him that got the smaller man to blush, giggle, and walk off with him. 

“Great. He’s in a mood.” Phantom clicked his tongue. “How bad do you think it’d be if we just left?” 

“You like living?” Mare asked with a raised brow. 

“Yeah.” Phantom held out the word with a groan, heading for the office with Mare in tow. 

“Come in.” A voice said from behind the door Mare knocked on. “Oh. Look who finally came home.” 

“Hey, Dark.” Mare gave an extra-large smile to Dark, hoping to get on his good side. 

“Where have you been?” The flatness in Dark’s voice told Mare that did not work. 

Dark was a fairly large man like Wilford, be it a few inches shorter and leaner, but still had a bit of size compared to Mare and Phantom. He, like JJ, was more often than not formally dressed in a suit of sorts. His ‘casual’ was slacks and a button-up with no tie. Mare had asked why Dark dressed the way a long time ago before he and Phantom were turned, and Dark had told him 

“I am in charge of everyone. I lead, I control, and I ensure the safety and stability of us all. I must look as together as we are to be”

Mare was a teenager at the time and didn’t understand, he still didn’t understand now, but at this point, it was just what was expected of Dark.   

“We were out having some fun,” Mare answered with a shrug. 

“A lot of fun~” Phantom giggled, seeing the look on Dark’s face from the implication. 

“We can tell you all of the lovely details if you want. Like how-

“No. No, I do not.” Dark cut him off before rising from behind his desk. “What I do want is for the two of you to stay here at the home until told otherwise.” 

“Are you grounding us or something? What the fuck’s going on?” Mare asked. 

“Language, Mare,” Dark said, hands going behind his back as he started to walk. “And you are not grounded; everyone is to stay in place until I sort a dangerous manner out. It won’t be long. It will likely be finished and taken care of by this afternoon.” 

“What ‘dangerous manner’ are you talking about?” Phantom asked. 

“I will explain when it is no longer a threat to us.” 

“But-” Mare didn’t even get his protest out before Dark was gone. “I have a bad feeling. Do you think Anti’s in their bedroom?” 

“Probably, and he has to know what’s going on. Dark tells him everything.” 

“Either him or Wilford. Anti’s more likely to tell us since Wilford’s probably busy with JJ.” 

“Let’s go,” Phantom said with a nod, and they both used their powers to appear in front of Dark and Anti’s bedroom door. They shared a glance before they both turned and started banging on the door.

“Mom!” They called out.

“You shits!” The person behind the door shouted and threw open the door. “I told you two to stop calling me that.” 

“But mom~!” Mare and Phantom held out the word in unison, something they’d done plenty of times. 

“What do you two want?” Anti crossed his arms.

He was one of the average-sized vampires in the home, not tiny like JJ but not large like Wilford and Dark. He was maybe an inch or so shorter than Mare and Phantom, with hair a bright green and fangs sticking out much more than the others. Unlike his husband, Anti was very casual in his attire. Ripped jeans and a t-shirt with gauges in his almost pointed ears. There was a faded scar on his neck, a reminder of why he had been turned in the first place. That scar was next to his mate mark and the teeth scars from his turning. 

Dark, Wilford, and JJ all had those last two kinds of marks as well, but Anti’s stood out since he had more markings there than the others. Phantom and Mare only had turn marks. 

“Where’s Dark going?” Mare asked outright, knowing it was a lot easier that way. 

“To take care of something.” Anti’s eyes went to the side, his dead giveaway that he wasn’t saying everything that he knew. 

“He said it was a ‘dangerous manner’, what’s going on?” Phantom asked with a bit of a pout. The twins were more than aware that Anti had a weak spot for Phantom while Dark’s was for Mare, and they took full advantage of it whenever they could. “Are we going to be okay?” 

“Phan.” Anti sighed. The use of the nickname told Mare and Phantom that Anti already cracked. “It’s going to be okay, I promise. There’s just been some human trying to dig into our business, and Dark wants to go take care of it before it could turn into something harmful for us.” 

“Do you know who this human is?” Mare had a really bad feeling. 

“Some rich guy named Madrick.” 

“Madrick Richards?”

“Yeah, how did you-” 

“Fuck!” 

-----------

Tag List: (Feel free to ask to be added!)

@dungeon-dragons-dragons @justyoursicanon @angst-anonn @damnthedead

[vomitnest]

a total mental shift is happening for me now because i've decided that i was suffocating myself for nothing. my obsessive tunnel vision was completely counterproductive. not only was it not generating any positive results or moving me closer to the goal of living my values and contributing something meaningful to the world, but it was ruining my life and driving me nuts. so obviously i need to think less about certain things instead of trying to think harder about them. and there is a lot of stuff i would perhaps do well to never think about again. my general outlook and approach to life seem to have become the issue.

it's alright to focus more on yourself, on being more secure and being more of a normal social human being. it is a worthy goal to simply live your life and to enjoy it. i seem to have lost sight of that for some time, but it's true. especially when your mental health depends on it. for a long time i was pushing back against this idea because i've always tried to circumvent being absorbed into a culture where that's all people do is think about themselves. the fact that the world is in crisis, the class war, the long revolution of the global south, all of that fades into the background. and eventually they have careers and families and they're so busy with the demands of their personal lives that they just become happy cogs in the machine at best. i didn't want to become that. i wanted to live in creative tension with the system.

i wanted to rage against the machine, not play the game to win. a lot of people were able to accomplish this, i think. but it can't be my priority right now because what i'm doing isn't working. it's making everything slightly worse by ruining my sanity and distracting from what i need to do just to be a somewhat normal functioning, healthy human being. no more vainglorious martyrdom. no more self-important obsessing, brooding, ruminating in circles and getting nowhere. the inner work for me involves letting go and reorienting my focus. so it isn't about more thinking, more effort. it's about letting go of that and redirecting my life by reconnecting with my soul. retrieving lost parts of my natural self that got buried and stifled under the weight of all my narrow, anxious, obsessive, one-track thinking.

it's beside the point, but the way to have gotten somewhere, if the time was right and i was emotionally stable and mentally equipped for it, would have been to just link up with the people doing the work. social progress isn't designed to be accomplished by solitary means or by neurotic hermits trying to reinvent the wheel. so i would have had to have been able to communicate with people and be social and therefore be a fully functional person in order to do it. that would be an impractical goal for me to try to reach without first going through a transitional phase of intentionally replacing the attitudes, and mindsets, and sorts of thinking and obsessing that is negatively impacting my ability to connect with people and have a stable ego and some better social skills and experience. there was a window of time that i did link up with activists/organizers and then i went nuts and made it weird. so right now i'm not necessarily feeling ready to try to reconnect with those guys.

anyway. if i'm wounded i need to do something about the wound. it isn't helping anyone for me to ignore it when it has gotten so bad that i'm almost completely socially inept and even alienated to the point of suicidal ideation. not to mention the fact that people are in many ways interdependent as human beings in order to survive and to function. the more alienated and solitary and wounded you become, the less likely and more difficult it will be for you to help to not only create meaningful social and political change but to experience the richness of human relationships, which are sort of two sides of the same coin. also it will increase the likelihood that you've sacrificed the opportunity to fully live your life without gaining much of anything in return. you will have squandered your life in vain and wasted all of your precious time.

[snowieluna]

The Discord I'm most active in decided to add a poetry channel. So that got me looking back through some old posts on my main. Poems and stream of consciousness and things tagged "love" that are old and even from before I married my ex.

In response to the last reblog: I probably reblogged it in anger. Because how dare he not choose me. And I guess I kind of touched on this recently, that I was most mad that I lost him as a friend. That "husband" was kind of label that I felt "might as well" about. "This might as well happen. It's expected."

And yeah the wedding was exciting, but to me, it almost felt more like a celebration of the time we had spent as friends. Like that slideshow I made. It had so many photos involving (our) (old) group of friends, (our) families. Because I had appreciation for all of them, and the memories we had made as a group.

But weddings are supposed to be ultimately about the couple, right? We had photos and cute stuff, but I barely remember anything we said in the vows. They felt almost like an afterthought. And that's what I'd do with cards, right? I'd say what I thought I was supposed to, and I thought I believed it enough. I cared, but I had to make it more "romantic" or it wouldn't be enough.

And getting back to the reblog. I thought I was choosing him. He was a good friend who I ended up in a relationship with, and I made all these other friendships through. I was content enough until he'd bring up what he needed more of. More talking, more effort, more care. And I didn't get it because I didn't care enough about what he wanted because my needs were mostly met. That sucks. I sucked. He wanted me to choose him as my most important person, but I never understood how I could ever do that. Because I cared about loads of people a lot and he had the shiny special label. Didn't that count?

It doesn't. It didn't. Because we didn't match like puzzle pieces from the clay. Because it was fun being friends and experimenting and hanging out, but I couldn't love him how he needed. I was choosing him as a friend, but I still wasn't even that great of a friend for him. (And I guess to her, too.)

You can have good intentions, but if you still hurt the other person, you still messed up. And I didn't always have good intentions. Sometimes I played around with him because it was interesting to see what would happen. I would do something I knew he didn't like. I'd say something I knew would hurt. See how much you can fuck around until they break, then cry because oops I didn't mean to go that far.

I know sometimes I intentionally did that shit. And sometimes it just happened. Like looking back, I really was manipulative at times without even realizing it. (This is what I wonder about, with possible diagnoses.) I would push enough almost as a test to see if that would be the thing to make him leave. Because I was always thinking I wasn't good enough, and "You deserve better than me," and "I'm so fucked up. How do you even like me?" But be terrified of losing everything. Losing him as a friend I thought meant losing everyone else, too.

I guess that's sort of happening? And I'm processing, but relieved since overall, it's a learning experience.

I'm realizing and accepting that I'm not a perfect friend. There's that weird back and forth between "depression me" that would think I'm completely horrible and "semi-arrogant me" that goes "You're fine. It's everyone else that's the problem." And then there's the me that's trying to be realistic. People are flawed and that includes me, and it isn't world ending. I can't bounce completely to the "You're shit and don't deserve anyone" side when I get criticism because that just puts the focus back on me. Oh hey, narcissism.

I don't keep in touch as much as I should, but I get mad at others for doing the same thing. I'm not always great at focusing on what others are saying. Whether it's because of external distractions (sounds, movement) or internal (what do I say next?, I'm hungry, this is boring but I should be polite, is that person over there thinking badly of us?, do I smell?, I'm so tired, oh wait that's interesting, ooo I want to hold onto this info, hey I have something to add, is it relevant still?, look for a pause in the conversation and check.) I'm forgetful. I get overly self-conscious, or just stop caring. (Is that what masking is? Worrying so much about if I'm doing the right thing?)

(Is that why it feels so comfortable with you? Because I really don't feel like I have to overthink when we're together, and when I do, you help ground me. It's like that YOI line: You meet me where I am. To me, it feels like the kind of love we each have is enough both ways. I think you agree? But if I'm wrong, tell me.)

Folks in my old group who still want to interact, cool. I'm fine with surface level fun, but I kind of have a guard up. Because at the end of the day, I am The Bad Guy to some of them now, and that's something I've gotta just accept and stop trying to make myself the victim, now that I'm more aware of that tendency. I wasn't great to him or her at times, and neither were they to me. He isn't the AH, she isn't the AH, and I'm not the AH. ESH in the grand scheme of things. But if she's got to make me the AH in her story, so be it, I guess. I don't know where I am with him. I'm hoping it's accepting we both were kind of shitty together.

Going through all this, I guess I worry about making the same mistakes again. I know I'm selfish. ...and my brain started spiraling for sec. Stop that. Trying to be a flawed but "good" leaning person is hard.

Okay done dwelling on this. I've been rambling for a while.

[forgottenyear]

[tw: not sure - there is a list in the pinned post]

[it is long] [and gets bad toward the end]

I do not have, for a foundational concept, that we are a system. It seems like that ought to be in place before talking about the system, but the system is only a theory and I am approaching it from the outside, as a singlet. As such, my foundation is crap.

I assume something must be wrong with the memories if they conflict or contradict. If they have too many complications, I assume they must be false.

I also assume they must be false because they are not a part of my life. They concern the experiences of others, and so they must be sympathetic memories.

A lot of my memories are the products of an active imagination.

--

I can think this stuff through and recognize that it is wrong. But that is a conscious step. Most thoughts skip over the conscious step.

I have a memory of walking by a leather-man shop somewhere in Angela’s city, and of pointedly looking the other way so no one would get the wrong impression of this small-town girl. This is a memory that gets cancelled for being false.

The entire premise of the memory involves going to another city (not just any city, but that one), being a “small-town girl,” going out with gender-queer people.

And there is another memory of the same moment. The second memory is of being curious about what goes on in a leather shop and wanting to look through the windows as I passed.

--

Overlapping memories are not the problem they may appear, except when I try to explain them to others. Maybe this was another mechanism of amnesia. I told stories of a Rockwellian idyll because the others test the listener’s credulity.

Which leads to another lens on the issue. I have so many, many concepts that I have always been assumed to be the same as everyone else. They did not necessarily fit the non-DID pattern, but how were we supposed to know – how was I supposed to know?

I have a clear memory of a children’s book that said we all have communities inside of us. It was probably some sort of hippy concept, but it made so much sense and we took it literally. We took it for confirmation that we were normal.

I did not learn it was DID until the amnesia broke and the past’s contradictions overloaded my ability to explain them away anymore. To amnese them away, I guess.

Because the only part that feels walled off to me is the unfused part, I have assumed the rest fused into me. Everyone else I can explain away as merely “communities inside of us.”

Even during the amnesia, the unfused part was inexplicably separate. Absent DID, I can make no argument against the ideas of possession or channeling.

--

The boy(s) are not yet the boys in my thinking because that is an extra conscious thought process that I continue to resist. I can resist the idea because “everyone has the same experience.”

Everyone changes mood through the day. They change their opinions. They change how they think about things. It is normal.

Okay, so maybe I compress several days-worth of minor variations into an hour, but where is it written that this is a disqualifier from being normal? Maybe it is just a narrow form of ADHD.

--

I do not think about any of this through the day. I just go about functioning. My foundation may be crap, but it is functional crap.

I would probably cease to function if I had to think about this DID stuff. I would be crippled with confusion and fear.

I would be crippled with fear because I mostly just want to cry when I think about it.

--

I think fear has become an impairment. I feel overwhelmed by everything. I am obsessively functional because if I am not functioning, I start thinking.

--

Every post for the past week has been a distraction. It has been tacked onto the end of the writing I started a week ago, but posted without it.

I have been managing the memories, but they are starting to escape.

I want my past to be excised. Can they do brain surgery to remove the past and the parts?

I was never prepared for this. It has been too much already.

If there were boys, this was not without cause.

I am really not up for this.

I need it to stop.

--

i will be okay

[dragon-appreciator-fray]

I need to step outside of Ruinous Hearts and just... write this conscious stream of thought or I will not be able to let it go.

So. Get comfy. This is gonna be dreamlike.

Existing without a body is weird.

Losing it? Painful. But easy to distance yourself from.

The hard part is asserting that you have a self without a body. I've ridden down that particular spiral twice now and have some thoughts.

There really is no one important thing as far as I can tell. But you need to cling to something. Taking deep breaths still calms me down, even if my soul self has no need for air. Going through the motions and asserting that I have memories to back them up is solid enough for the purposes of establishing rules for your own continued existance.

Being practical is good. It will help you remember to function when you have a physical body again. But you have to go beyond that. I do not breathe. I will the air to and from my lungs. I did not spend most my life in the sky being at the whims of the winds so much as I made demands of it. Not all of that time was good, but taking flight atop wind and cloud separated me from the world below.

If visual aids are more your thing, you are trying to build a dam before the water takes your self away. Pick memories or parts of you that you are sure of. Place them down like rocks or twigs. Find related or affirming materials to add to the pile.

Your identity can be built on anything. And you can always change your mind later. But you have to continue existing with a self to work from if you want to move forward.

Not existing is a choice, but not one I would recommend. Take it from someone who has devoured their abusive parent. Angry entities have a tendency to linger in all sorts of nasty ways. Seeing some of my fears take the shape of my abusers was not fun, but that in and of itself can be affirming.

I am not them. Another stone to the pile. Dam? Right. We were building something.

Not so fun note. Feeding your fears, anxieties, and insecurities is a terrible idea. Given a chance to pursue things to their own misguided conclusions will involve them taking pieces of you with them.

You are more than these shards of the whole mirror. You are Verity. Given time, something can always come of them, like Verse. But they are now seperate from you. This is a hard boundary.

And with that thought comes a peace I have not known for several sleepless nights.

Note to self: Figure out less destructive ways to resolve fears and insecurities. That stuff really distracted me from taking care of myself in the ways I needed to.

I can still feel tethered to my reflections and the material leftovers of my old body. Mostly the hearts. But the bolt stone from being physically heartbroken never recovered and my black heart nurtured during my time as a child of Storms lack much of a pull.

If I focus, I can tug at them and get insight into what they are experiencing. But it is all information without feeling. I would need to go through a lot of time and effort to make something that would allow me to feel again. It is infinitely more likely that Whisper or Verse will shove one of my hearts into something suitable.

Their names came to mind not by accident either. There was a tug on my connection to the Bolt Stone and Black Heart as they changed hands from reflection to the friends in question.

The idea of Whisper holding my heart in her hands feels like it should inspire something in me. Instead I feel only loss and absence so strongly that it might as well hurt. Actually, dwelling on it might be enough of an existential threat to cause me to spiral. Better to dull the connection to my heart for now.

Maybe when one of my hearts are thrust into a vessel capable of feeling intimate moments I will consider otherwise.

For now, there is nothing for me but to try and enjoy my intangible existence. I have my memories to remind me approximately of what it is like to feel. And whenever the Sun's sway over the world has waned, I will have Lady Night for company.

[ssadumba55]

Feelings? (Axel X Reader)

A/N: Welcome back! I should be posting a request as my first post back but unfortunately this was the only one shot I could finish so you get what you get. Also this was me really playing with the 'Nobodies can't feel' thing, I haven't finished all these games but I love Axel so much. Enjoy!

The top of the clock tower was deserted for the time being. It was hardly ever occupied, you sat on the edge dangling your legs over the side. With no one around to distract them, your thoughts wandered to what you’d done. In the grand scheme of things, running away from Axel was probably not that big of a deal. After all, the two of you weren’t really friends. You were Nobodies with the inability to feel. Things like caring and love just weren’t in either of your vocabulary.

But even though you weren’t supposed to feel, you did. You 'felt' guilty, somewhere deep inside. It was foreign. 

“I thought I’d find you up here,” a voice said from behind, startling you slightly. Axel had somehow managed to sneak his way up the clock tower without you even realizing.

He didn’t appear to be upset about what had happened earlier, but Axel had never been exactly easy to read. He sat down on the edge of the clock tower beside you, looking out over the town with an unreadable expression.

You followed his gaze, pretending not to care as well, but where Axel excelled at concealing how he regarded a situation, you struggled.

He gently nudged you with his shoulder. “You still in there?”

You met his eyes and there was that weird 'feeling' again, the one that had made you want to run away earlier. There wasn’t supposed to be anything there, there was supposed to be emptiness but instead there was an intense longing for him. A need for him to be closer, to hold you. Sometimes it was overwhelming, like earlier when he’d comforted you. 

Not that he would ever know that.

No. The Organization had been characteristically hard on you, forcing you to work harder than you wanted to. And when you struggled with the missions Saix gave out, you crumbled. As far as Axel was concerned, you had run away because you were afraid of being seen as weak. There were no complicated ‘feelings’ involved for him.

“You’re not weak, you know?” He continued, leaning back slightly. “You just can’t handle stuff the rest of us can, but if you train harder you’ll be fine.”

You didn’t respond. You didn’t want to train harder. The Organization may have given you everything at its disposal, taken you in when there was nowhere else to go, but somehow you felt there was more to life than taking orders. Even as a Nobody.

There was that word again ‘felt’, as if you could feel anything.

“Axel, do you ever think you feel things?” You asked, finally breaking your silence. The question caught him off guard, he had been expecting you to become super motivated and pumped to train.

The two of you rarely ever sat and talked about things like feelings. Still, he couldn’t help but think there was more to your question than what you were asking.

He shrugged, nonchalantly. “What kind of things?”

The silence returned as you wondered how to respond to that question. Even though you weren’t supposed to feel things, things swept through you constantly. Were you even a Nobody? Was this why the Organization ragged on you so hard? Maybe they knew something you didn’t.

“You’re always calm… collected. I can never tell what you’re thinking. I sit here and try to understand you, but I can never even come close. You look at me and it’s as if you can instantly tell I’m hurting, I mean you came to comfort me earlier and I didn’t even say a thing,” You pulled your legs up from the ledge to your chest. He tilted his head.

“I’m your friend. Friends just know, maybe the reason you can’t understand me is that you’re not really looking.” He chuckled, looking up at the sky.

You rested your chin on your knees and followed his gaze. “Or we really can feel things and you’re just really good at fooling yourself.”

It was sort of blasphemous to say the words out loud, but whatever you were expecting him to do, he didn’t do it. He stared at the sky for a little bit longer, clearly deep in thought about something.

“Do you think you feel things?”

Having the question thrown back at you was surprising, but you let your legs fall down again, hanging over the side of the clock tower. They dangled so high, but you were never worried about falling from up here, especially not with Axel so close.

“I don’t know but I like to pretend I do. When you do something dumb, I can almost imagine how it would feel to be annoyed. When Saix and the others say that stuff about me, I can almost feel inadequate, like I don’t belong. Earlier when you comforted me, I could’ve sworn I felt-”

You stopped yourself from continuing that line of thought. He was surprised by the sudden end of your little speech, turning to look at you.

“Don’t leave me hanging, what’d you think you felt?”

“It’s stupid, never mind.”

He frowned, nudging you slightly again with his shoulder. It was as if he was saying go on but the words were caught in your throat, even if you wanted to explain, you couldn’t. Once again, it was like he could read your mind, he wrapped his arm around your shoulders. There was that ‘feeling’ again. Your chest ached and it was like someone had stuffed cotton in your ears. He spoke, but whatever he said fell on deaf ears as you focused on the closeness of his body to yours

You pulled away, trying to regain some sense of control over your body, but his arm wasn’t as tight as you thought and the force you jerked away with was too strong. You lost what little balance you had sitting on the edge, eyes betraying for a split second the realization of what you’d done as you began to plummet. 

Axel was a lot quicker than you, leaning over the edge precariously to catch you just in time.

You looked up to him as he pulled you back over the edge to safety, surprised to see something other than the calm, collected persona he normally had. If you didn’t know any better you might say he was scared.

Your feet once again felt the top of the clock tower below it.

Though it looked like he’d barely done anything, he bent over trying to catch his breath. You stood on the edge, uncertain what to do now.

“I don’t know if we can feel things for sure, but it definitely felt like something just then,” he looked up at you, noticing you were still precariously close to the edge. His arm wrapped around your middle, pulling you further from it, eyes betraying that he was still somewhat ‘feeling’ what he’d experienced when you fell. 

Your hands reached up to turn his face to yours, his slightly panicked eyes found yours and his whole body seemed to relax at the same time. It was like something primal took over for you, pulling his face to yours and catching his lips with your own.

The surprising part wasn’t that you did it, but that once you did, he continued it. His hands moved from firmly holding you in place to cup your face as your own fell to his shoulders.

That feeling was back again. You were certain it WAS a feeling, it didn’t matter what anyone said. You were feeling this.

He pulled away, pressing his forehead to yours.

“I could’ve sworn I felt like how I’d imagine a crush felt. There was this aching in my chest and it sounds like it should’ve been painful, but then when I ran, the aching was worse. As if being closer to you was a good aching and without you, the pain became unbearable.” You finished your speech from earlier, and it was clear that he had felt something too just now.

Maybe they were wrong. Maybe Nobodies could feel, or maybe the two of you were something special.

“Got it memorized?” He whispered, catching your lips with his own once more.

There was no way you’d be forgetting anytime soon.

[zeta-in-de-walls]

Fanfic: Tommy introduces Phil to Shroud!

Hey guys, I have had the urge to do some writing recently. Unfortunately, I’ve discovered I am only passionate about writing conversations between Phil and Tommy. Eh, whatever. This one takes place on the DSMP. Theoretically canon compliant.

Comments + feedback appreciated. ❤

Wordcount: 1041 words

-

Phil wondered quite what he had done to deserve random visits from Tommy of all people at the most unwelcome hours. Did he have some way of discerning when would be a bad time and make it a point to come over? Or was this just some innate talent?

Naturally, Phil had just decided to get into designing a rather complex dome involving several different hues of coloured glass that required an attention to detail to get all the lighting to be just right. It would require the utmost concentration. Therefore, it was the perfect time for an annoying teenager to drop in and start distracting him.

“Phil! What’s up big man?” TommyInnit said loudly, jumping right into his lair, trampling over some flowers and throwing a bucket of water on the ground to catch his fall. 

It took all of Phil’s considerable patience not to tell him to just go away. And only because he knew it wouldn’t work anyway. Tommy would probably just get upset. And you did not want to deal with an unhappy Tommy. He woud get under your skin in an entirely different way.

“Hey mate,” Phil said instead, keeping his voice as carefully neutral as possible. “Need something?”

“No - though I did borrow some of your stone! I can’t find where you put the rest of it actually. Has anyone ever told you, your stuff is really annoying to access?” Tommy said cheerfully.

“That’s deliberate, Tommy. To make sure no one can steal it,” Phil replied, sighing to himself as he looked away from the unfinished glass flooring.

 “But Phil! You forgot one important flaw which means its harder for us to access! I probably broke your storage system just finding the hidden box! Honestly, that’s got to be really annoying.”

Tommy was exaggerating, Phil knew. He was grinning cheekily which meant he knew exactly what he was doing no matter how innocent he sounded. But then again, Tommy would happily cause trouble, somehow knowing just how far to push it without being too destructive. It was easier to let him get away with it. (And maybe some of his antics were just a bit amusing.)

“Mate, you could just ask first?” Phil replied, approaching the boy to see if he could detect any damage.

“But you’d probably just forget Phil. I know what you’re like, you’d see a random piece of andesinite and get distracted. Or you’d just say no,” Tommy said, with his usual nonsensical logic.

Then he saw the creature on Tommy’s back. He flinched, switching to high alert.

“Wha- Tommy get back!” Phil said, grabbing a sword.

Tommy blinked at him in confusion, completely oblivious to the danger.

It was a... giant spider? It’s long legs were clinging to Tommy’s shoulders like some sort of monstrous backpack.

And then Tommy smirked, eyes alight. “Oh, haven’t you met Shroud? He’s my pet spider!” 

Phil watched in awed horror, sword still held limply in hand, as Tommy reached round, patting the creature, encouraging it to rest its head on Tommy’s shoulder where he could more easily coo at it. 

“Tommy that’s a hostile mod. Don’t pet it! They eat children,” Phil warned, not sure how to respond to this. When did Tommy become his responsibility?

“I’m not a child, Phil! Shroud’s nice. See, he likes being cuddled,” Tommy said, grinning like this was some sort of practical joke.

“Uh-” Phil had as little clue as ever how to get through to this strange kid. “Wait, is it wearing socks?” 

Indeed, at the end of its long, hairy legs, were little blue bits of fabric. It was absolutely absurd on the red-eyed mob. It was almost- no it was not cute at all.  What was Tommy thinking? Not that Phil should ever try to comprehend his mind.

“Oh yeah! Sometimes Shoud can get a little moody. Mostly when it’s nighttime and he sometimes tries to kill me a little. It’s a bit annoying so I gave him socks which keeps him from scratching me!”

“You gave him socks to stop him from attacking you,” Phil repeated numbly.

He was both full of questions and without words. 

“Yep, he sometimes still tries to bite me but don’t worry, he’s not poisonous. The rest of the time he keeps me great company. I love him,” Tommy said merrily like there was nothing wrong at all with any of that.

“Tommy that thing is not your friend, its dangerous. You should let me kill it!” Phil said, brandishing his sword. 

Tommy’s eyes widened in alarm. “NO! Don’t hurt him. He’s really nice. He’s a friend spider! Look him in the eyes, Phil. He’s good.”

And Tommy was backing away now, his earlier relaxed posture replaced with a defensive stance and despite his keen words, there was a steely look in his eyes. Damn, he was really going to fight him on this?

Of course Tommy had grown attached to a monster of all things. Why was no one watching out for this kid?

“Tommy, I’m trying to help you. Befriending hostile mobs isn’t good for you. Think about this rationally,” Phil said, keeping his voice calm and soothing. Tommy needed to learn how to take care of himself. 

“Oh shut up, you don’t understand, I need Shroud,” Tommy growled back, and there was a sudden bitterness in his voice.

“C’mon Tommy. A friend wouldn’t hurt you.”

“All friends hurt you Phil. That’s what it is to care. Not that you’d understand! You kill the people you care about!”

Phil froze. Taken aback by the sheer venom in his voice and exactly what he was implying. 

And Tommy was already leaving. Hurrying away with the spider still on his back like it was a part of him. 

Phil didn’t run after him. The boy was not his responsibility. He was just some stranger who bothered him sometimes and sometimes gave off worrying signals. Just some kid starving for attention and was finding it in some spider of all things.

He shouldn’t care about him. Like Tommy said, caring meant letting them hurt you. He was gone now, leaving him in peace at last. Probably wouldn’t be back in a long time.

So why did he feel strangely bereft?

[sevendeadlymorons]

The brothers + undateables react to the MC bringing her small child to RAD because no one in the human world is available to babysit, and they can’t leave a three-year-old alone. Bonus points if at some point, the kid runs up to them with something in their mouth, and when questioned, the kid spits out a rock or something.

IVE ALWAYS IMAGINED THIS IN MY HEAD BUT NOBODY EVER SUGGESTED IT SO OMG THIS MAY BE A BIT LONG-

Brothers + Dateables Reaction to MC Bringing Their Kid to RAD

————————————

Lucifer

He had no idea you had a child honestly but considers it none of his concern

Well, not until you asked him to help out in babysitting that is, suddenly all his stress comes back

At first, the child was hyper, running around, stealing things, climbing on his lap and distracting him from work, he can’t count the amount of times he’s had to save this child from throwing themselves out the nearest window or getting flattened by all his records and books

One time, he caught the child running around with something in their mouth only to spit out a whole rock. Easy to say he was traumatised

But he couldn’t get over how much this small child looked and acted like you and he would never tell anyone, but he completely fell in love with your kid

He’s honestly the best babysitter, checking up on them constantly and keeping them company. The headaches he got from them though were a minor set back for him

Offers to be a regular babysitter as he enjoyed time with them so much and he loves all the little quirks that they share with you

Mammon

Since when did you have a kid?! With who?!

Couldn’t believe it at first but he couldn’t deny this small human looked quite a lot like you and he honestly started to quickly fall in love

Wasn’t so keen on the idea of babysitting but he soon came around as your kid became his new sneaky thief. Lucifer would never dream about harming your child, would he?

Turns out the kid was a huge nightmare, just like his human, and he had to stop the kid from killing themself several times a day. He even had to claw a whole damn rock out of this kids mouth

He was actually pretty cool with the kid when they weren’t causing trouble, though, playing games and talking to them, making them laugh and yeah, he cried when they gave him a little hug

He got flustered at the fact this was your child he was currently looking after and he may or may not have imagined you two having your own children and looking after this one together

He may babysit the kid again… for 500 Grimm, of course, he’s not a charity

Leviathan

He’s not good with children! Don’t leave him with your child!

At first he was shocked you even had a kid. Since when?! But then you dropped this tiny human in his arms and went about your day

Not too sure what babies like at first and he tried multiple things just to entertain them for long enough that he could play his game in peace

To no avail though, the kid was a nightmare, shoving shit in their mouth and causing him to go into panic mode, knocking over his figurines and distracting him from his game

They honestly settled down eventually though as your kid crawled into his lap and snatched the phone from his hands, beginning to laugh at the game on the screen

He’s the cool babysitter. He taught them how to beat the levels in his game, talked to them about his favourite anime’s and even let them play with Henry for a while, this kid quickly had his entire heart

He doesn’t know what came over him but he weirdly wouldn’t mind looking after your kid again if you needed him to… maybe it’s just because they reminded him so much of you though

Satan

Like Lucifer, he didn’t want to be involved with your kid in all honesty

But surprise, he now has your kid wrapped up in his arms for the whole day

He tried his best to keep them company at first even if they were a nightmare. He can’t even begin to count the amount of times this kid ran off and hid and shoved stuff in their mouths only to spit out a pebble or two…

He did enjoyed reading to them though, watching them smile and clap their hands when they heard a part they found particularly amusing and then attempt to read it back in their jumbled baby language

He actually started to really like your child and the two of them went cat searching later on in the day, petting all the cats they saw and sneakily feeding them leftovers from the kitchen

He definitely liked the child more when they were worn out and more calm and they just hopped up to sat on his lap and started poorly reading the book out loud to him in gibberish, but either way, he liked watching the child learn and enjoy reading

He offers to look after the kid more often, he didn’t mind. It was your child after all

Asmodeus

Oh well aren’t you cutest little thing~?

Yeah easy to say he was immediately drawn to this tiny, adorable 3 year old of yours and happily took them in with open arms

The two of them spent the day painting eachothers nails and Asmo brushing your child’s hair, putting in little clips and bows and telling them how pretty they look

For some reason, the child was pretty behaved in Asmo’s care, not including the time they came way too close to eating nail polish and he almost had a heart attack

Gave eachother lots of hugs and he couldn’t stop complimenting them and loving every single time the kid laughed or smiled, it reminded him of you in a way, you two really were similar

He enjoyed being around the kid when they were calm and sleepy as it gave him a good opportunity to just relax without the stress of thinking the kid will eat something they’re not supposed to

He definitely will take care of them more often if you ever need a babysitter, he’d be happy to!

Beelzebub

… is it edible?

After going through the rules of ‘no eating the 3 year old’ with him, he’s actually a pretty good babysitter and took good care of them while you were busy

He always knows when they’re hungry and will feed them whatever they ask, maybe sometimes a little bit too much food though but hey, at least they look happy

He caught them with something in their mouth the one time and he immediately thought they snagged his food, but all of a sudden, they spat out a whole rock and honestly, he gets it. Sometimes he gets hungry enough to eat rocks too…

The two get along well honestly, sharing meals and watching TV and Beel even invites Belphie to help look after your kid so it was just the two of them playing with this tiny human child for hours in the attic

Beel loves the child’s smile, it reminds him of you, and their laugh and the way they give him little leg hugs. Truthfully, he loved your kid so much

Kinda sad when they have to leave; offering to babysit whenever you want him to because he just loves them so much

Belphegor

You really expect him to be able to look after a child? He’ll pass…

But before he knew it, a kid was sat on his bed and you were gone and already he was fed up

Weirdly though, looking at your kid brought him this odd inner peace kind of feeling where he just wants to hold them and never let go. Maybe it was because the kid was yours and it reminded him so much of you…?

He kind of just naps with them more than he should for the entire day. He knows 3 year olds like to sleep and that’s his specialty so he thought why not

When the two of them are awake, he spends it in the planetarium looking up at the stars and teaching the child all the names and alignments or eating way too much downstairs with Beel

There was a time where he had to forcefully snatch this stone out of the child’s mouth after running after them for hours, and then lecture them on how they can’t do that and then he had to take another nap due to being absolutely exhausted but besides from that, the child was pretty sleepy, all day

Yeah ok maybe he fell for your child and maybe he’ll babysit them again, but expect him to complain about it first

Diavolo

He’s actually really happy you came to him first to look after your child :)

Honestly, he’s such a sweetheart towards the small child, but he definitely gave in several times to those irresistible puppy eyes and ended up spoiling them

He was also sort of busy with work so the kid tended to just sit on his lap and play with his free hand and would sometimes run off without him noticing only to come back hand in hand with Barbatos who found them digging through the trash

He wasn’t any good at discipline so whenever they came back covered in trash he kinda just laughed it off and sat them back down, he’s too sweet to yell at such a small and helpless human

He can’t remember the last time he had such fun though. The child was sweet to him and he very much enjoyed watching the antics of a normal 3 year old human with hyper tendencies

They took walks around the garden together, helping them pick little flowers and putting them in their hair, watching them laugh and smile afterwards

The child reminded him of you and that just made them even more lovable to him and it was easy to say he’d without a doubt babysit your kid any time

Barbatos

Never expected you to want him to take care of your child but he’ll do his best

He was sort of busy the entire day and couldn’t take care of the child as much as he planned to but he made sure the child was happy either way

The two of them cleaned up together, Barbatos handing the kid a little feather duster and showing them how to properly clean, watching them enjoying themselves and laughing in the corner of his eye

He did have to scold them a few times for misbehaving and eating things they shouldn’t though, especially random pebbles from outside

When he wasn’t cleaning or tending to paperwork, he took the child on little walks around the garden, enjoying the way the small kid laughed and smiled at all the flowers and butterflies, their arm swinging from side to side cheerfully, causing him to smile too

Easy to say he fell in love hard pretty quickly, noticing the way they took after you and how polite and sweet they were towards him

He wouldn’t mind looking after them again, just perhaps when he’s less busy…

Simeon

He already has Luke but he supposes one more couldn’t hurt

He’s a great babysitter really, no complaints and rarely any misbehaving on the child’s end except for a few times throughout the day where he had to desperately stop them from swallowing rocks

But other than that, the child was pretty calm, following him around and laughing at his awfully made jokes; their hand normally attached to his trouser leg so they didn’t get lost

He loved how the child reminded him of you, their mannerisms and the way they acted were so similar and he couldn’t help but laugh and fall deeper in love with this tiny, peculiar human

He spent a lot of the day having a small tea party with them, sharing biscuits and hot chocolate for the child and tea for him, watching them pour him tea then laugh as he takes a sip

When he needed to do something quickly, he left the child with Luke and then came back to legitimately the most heartwarming game of monopoly between two small children he’s ever seen

He would without a doubt babysit again if you ever need him to, it’s no trouble honestly

Solomon

You’d really trust your kid with him? Really?

He’s honestly really happy you’d entrust them with him though and he’ll make sure to not get them killed

He’s actually really good at babysitting though: making sure they’re always laughing until they’re falling over, showing them cool spells to entertain them, playing games and seeing how badly he can scare the shit out of them without making them cry

Solomon’s that one cool babysitter you always have that’s cool in a bad way, like he’ll make you dinner but he’ll also burn the entire house down, but hey, at least he’s funny

He’ll randomly sneak up behind the kid and yell ‘boo’ just for the fun of it and if they cry, it’s Simeon’s problem now

He absolutely adores it when the kid follows him around and laughs at every little thing he does, it’s like he has his own personal fan

Kinda disappointed when the kid has to leave but make sure to call him to babysit again

Luke

Finally, someone that’s shorter than him!

He kinda just hangs around the kid all day, keeping them company with games and jokes and cheering them up if they start to miss you

He even attempts to teach them how to play monopoly with him but eventually finds out that 3 year olds cannot play monopoly…

Though he isn’t the one actually babysitting, he sure is a good playmate towards the child and they seem to enjoy his company at least

The days full of laughter and just two children having fun, which is a sight to see for everyone at Purgatory Hall

They’ll take walks around together, Luke immediately regretting his decisions and panicking when they put a rock in their mouth and he has to negotiate with them to spit it out

Yeah alright maybe he’s a little sad that they’re leaving so soon, so make sure they come visit again!