#don't accept apologies like that from shitty men

[silawastaken]

Hey! Slightly different post here, but i feel the need to say something important.

Lovejoy used to be my favourite band, i have been in their top 0.1% of listeners for the past two years. That being said, the frontman is an abusive asstwat.

So, friendly reminder, Spotify(not sure about other music apps) has a feature where you can access audio files from your device through a playlist usually titled 'local files'. If you download videos, or screen record them from youtube and convert them to mp3, they'll show up there. No revenue goes to artists if you listen to their music from a download in your local files, and you can add tracks from your local files into playlists.

if you want to go a step further, you can download the unofficial lyric videos from other youtube accounts, then convert those to mp3 instead of the official one.

You can do this with individual songs, or entire albums. If you have a cd or cassette already, no revenue goes to the artist per listen, so if you like the music just hold onto it imo, and you can usually rip the music from the cd or cassette onto others, or onto a laptop.

The same thing goes in reverse, if there's another album you really like, you can download the mp3 as before, and put it on a blank cd or cassette and decorate the case yourself!

I don't think I can let go of Lovejoy easily, so this is what I'll be doing, and I have such a strong attachment to ycgma and msr that I couldn't give it up. Instead, download and listen to unofficial versions so you can enjoy music without supporting an abusive person who is believed to still be dangerous :D

If Lovejoy comes out with new music, I'm unsure what I'll do then, but the same practice still applies, download from unofficial accounts and listen separately!!! I would fully support joe, mark and ash if they decided that once the tour is over they want to split lovejoy up, though unfortunately i don't think they will, given they have probably witnessed the abuse before and not done anything :/

All this to say, even if the members of your favourite band are shitheads, you can listen to their music if you go through the right processes! Just don't allow for profit to be made <3

[nyxiswrites1200]

𝒀𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒐𝒍𝒅𝒆𝒓 𝒃𝒐𝒚𝒇𝒓𝒊𝒆𝒏𝒅, 𝑳𝒆𝒐𝒏 𝑲𝒆𝒏𝒏𝒆𝒅𝒚

GN!Reader x Leon Kennedy

Warnings: NSFT, Minors DNI, Age Gap, Older man, Younger reader, praise kink, fluff and smut, slow burn, oral, penetration, committed relationship

Please be safe irl- this is delulu, older men can be mad creeps, but it's Leon, also this is kinda unedited

----

You had tried over and over to find a good partner, a decent lover, and yet you came up disappointed many times. A cheater, a liar, rude, poor hygiene, nothing in common, and so much more. There was always something wrong.

Nowadays, you don't even bother. Just going about life and working hard at your job. You’d recently been joking about dating an older man. However, they were all just creeps…right?

Then you met Leon Kennedy.

Older!Leon comes into the same coffee shop everyday just to order a hot chocolate or a black coffee. Not to mention the $20 tip he gives every time he sees you.

Older!Leon is always kind to you. He gives you a warm smile and asks how your day is going. His intentions are as pure as his pretty blue eyes.

Older!Leon who grabbed your hand by accident when you handed him his drink. He quickly apologized but you found yourself wishing he wouldn't have pulled away so fast.

Older!Leon who brought you flowers on Valentine's day simply because you mentioned not having anyone to give you anything for today. You insisted he didn't have to do that, but he only smiled and insisted that he wanted to.

Older!Leon who didn't know what to say when you offered to have lunch together. He smiled and accepted because he noticed how embarrassed you were from the way you looked at the floor. You were glad because your face was burning up with embarrassment.

The poor man didn't know what to say when you both stopped outside your door. Your face feeling warm, knowing this was the after effect of multiple unknowing dates.

Older!Leon who titled your head to meet his gaze and kissed you softly. “That what you want, baby?” He teased, now you didn't know what to say.

Older!Leon was the best boyfriend you could ever ask for. Always thinking of you and bringing you things.

Older!Leon wants nothing more than to come home from a stressful day and see his pretty baby. The only innocent thing in this fucked up world, at least in his eyes.

Older!Leon who spoils the absolute shit out of you. In more ways than one…

Older!Leon who likes to give you kisses and holds your waist tight. Protecting his pretty thing from all the shitty aspects of the world, only wanting you to have the best.

Older!Leon who likes to hear you get all whiny while you grind on his thigh. He loves finally giving you what you want after teasing you. His age does, in fact, come with experience. You’ve never had such good sex before him. The way he gives oral is nothing like you've ever seen. His tongue works on you until you're gripping his hair tight between your fingers. Moaning for him as you cum into his mouth or onto his face.

Older!Leon who fucks that spot inside of you just right. Making you squirm and writhe beneath him as you cum on his cock. His praise only adds to the way you tighten around him.

“Such a pretty thing…Fuck, I can feel you tighten around my cock, darling. Good, doing such a good job f’me baby…”

Older!Leon who never forgets aftercare. Always taking care of his baby and making sure they're comfortable and cared for.

Maybe all older men aren't as creepy as you thought…

[karlastarion]

I'm so curious about Kagha, because she's so different from Halsin. She and Halsin are both wood elves, and I get the sense that Kagha is probably not ~young~ but she's not nearly as old as Halsin. When you deal with the Shadow Druids, she's very quick to defer to him and treat him like a teacher she's disappointed. He probably mentored her, if he's chosen her as his second in command - though, I would bet it's in more of a general thing in the way that the First Druid is everyone's mentor, rather than the clearly more direct and specific mentorship he has with Nettie as a healer.

Canonically, Halsin isn't an exceptionally good leader. He's not bad at it, and he has good instincts. He correctly surmises that after the dust-up with Kagha and the tieflings, the Emerald Grove needs an outsider to step in and lead without being tied to any particular grudges or politics. That's savvy enough that I think Halsin was a good First Druid, he just wasn't especially good or great at it and clearly didn't like the position. At worst, I think he let some situations fester because of his focus on the Shadow Curse.

But I'm not ready to say that he didn't realize Kagha was a proverbial snake in the grass ~the whole time~, because I don't think she was. I think she was genuinely and recently radicalized by the Shadow Druids. I think she probably had something of an edge before, maybe she was a hardass or had a mean streak or something. Regardless of how I feel about the quality of the Shadow Druid subplot (which is that I think its pacing is meh and Kagha's face-turn is way too fast and kind of shitty), I think it speaks to the fact that her care for the Grove is genuine. That perhaps Halsin's failure with her wasn't in not realizing she was A Bad Person Actually, but in not tending to her insecurities or noticing that she might be feeling isolated, if she was so effectively shaken by the Shadow Druids' fearmongering.

The recent wave of IRL cults should have taught us all by now that everyone is susceptible to cult tactics if they're sufficiently scared and alone, and BG3 is a game riddled with various cults. You don't have to already be a bad person, or a stupid or weak person, to fall for them. And I think Kagha's story is way less interesting if you just think she's an evil power hungry shrew too stupid to keep herself from being radicalized.

She clearly has a nasty streak, but her apologies and regrets also sound sincere, if you manage to hear them. Even when she isn't "redeemed", she accepts her punishments, even if she does so bitterly and not believing she was wrong. And I have to wonder just how much of that mean streak is self-defensive rather than inherent in her, how much of it is that she struggles to admit failure and learn from it. Or how much is her modeling Halsin's level of single-minded commitment, picking a methodology or an action and throwing all of her weight behind it, even when it may no longer be working.

I wish characters like Kagha got nearly as much love and fandom development and benefit of the doubt as someone like Ketheric. I think she has a ton of potential for that, and way fewer crimes to her name than other fandom favorites who just happen to also be, you know. Men.

[eslypyiris]

Adamsapple week 🍎 - Day 4: Second chances

Lucifer looked at Adam in disbelief.

"You remember..."

"Remember what?" Adam asked confused.

"... Nevermind." The king of hell murmured as the spark in his eyes disappeared.

Lucifer accepted the flower the first man was offering him and placed it in his hair. Adam may not remember the meaning of that flower, but Lucifer did and he wanted to relive those memories for at least a moment before faceing reality again.

"So, what's the real reason behind you giving me a gift?" Lucifer asked.

Adam growled and looked away angrily.

"Your daughter doesn't stop talking about second chances and how important it is to be kind to everyone, even the ones you hate. So yeah. You are welcome."

Lucifer sighed. Of course it had to be part of Charlie's redemption program. Adam would never give anything to him willingly.

"I see... Well, you are doing a shitty job."

"The fuck?!" Adam snapped.

"You could at least give something more meaningful to the person you are trying to fix things with. Don't you think?"

The buttercup was meaningful. But Adam didn't knew that. What was the point of giving something meaningful when you forgot it's meaning?

"And what do you want?! A blowjob?! A kidney?! More wifes to steal?! Don't make me laugh, asshole! This is the best thing you are getting from me!" Adam yelled while pointing at the flower.

"Look, I'm just saying that-"

"No! Fuck you! I'm doing it the best I can!"

There was a small gleam in Adam's eyes. At first Lucifer didn't know what it was, but after looking more carefully he realized that it was a couple of retained tears. Adam was about to cry out of rage and that broke Lucifer's heart even more.

"You are right, I'm sorry." Lucifer apologized.

Adam's anger gradually diminished. Both men looked away from each other without a word.

"How did you found this field? I have never seen a place like this in Hell." Lucifer spoke after a while.

"I made it myself" Adam confessed.

"It's beautiful."

Adam looked at Lucifer.

"Yeah... It is."

✞∔✞∔✞∔✞∔✞∔✞∔✞∔✞∔✞∔✞

Check Day 3

[mchlgayser]

Can you pls write fluff and angst for Jobe where he and the reader get into an argument so she ignores him, then he realizes he’s in the wrong then apologizes?

𓂃⭑ᜊ: APOLOGIZING ft jobe bellingham

𓂃⭑ᜊ an: HELLO! Omg you don't know how much I love writing for Jobe rn skshskhs and this idea is *a massive chef kiss* Hope you like this one babes!!

𓂃⭑ᜊ content warning: argument and cursing

𓂃⭑ᜊ: @iwritesjud3's masterlist

'You are always like this! Can you stop being so controlling for once? I told you that I and he are assigned to a group project. It was for school only that's why we met up at the cafe, not a date!' He was quiet, brutally quiet angering you even more.

'Jobe! You should've said anything now that you had already dragged me out of the cafe and embarrassed me in front of everyone!' Silent. You was frustrated, so frustrated at him.

'Alright, if this how you wanted it to be, fine be it.' You cross your arms over your chest and head toward the window. The rest of the ride was quiet until he dropped you at your house 'Y/n.' You open the door and slammed it shut as hard as you can

You know he was following behind but you did not care, knocking on the door multiple times but nobody answered, you groan going under the rug to find a key there and unlocked the door 'Hey Y/n!' Just as you were about to close the door, he prevented it by blocking it with his foot 'Hey, it wasn't entirely my fault innit? It's yours too for not telling me anythin-'

You pushed his foot away and closed the door 'If you still wanted to blame me for that, then leave now.' You didn't wait and tread upstairs to your space.

Jobe rolled his eyes at your demeanor of always trying to be the 'right' one and left after.

Weeks passed, none of you exchanging words with each other, more like you ignoring him, Jobe had been trying to get your attention the past few weeks but you denied him.

He was troubled, not knowing what to do, in his defense he wasn't the only one who was in the wrong, partially it's your fault too. But as time flew, he started to realize just how shitty and wrong he was.

He talks to the guys and found out that the project consists of a few of your friends and even the guy's boyfriend, yes Jude found out that he's into men. Oh, how terrible he felt after knowing that but even so, trying to convince you to talk to him is a whole other level. You wouldn't even spare a glance at him.

You would go on your days, trying to kick the voices out of your head about how you missed him, trying to resist the urge to jump on him and bask in his warmth.

Today is no different, Jobe trying to gain your attention but getting none, you would just walk through him and pretend like he does not even exist.

'Hey! You know what, that's it!' He picks you up by your waist and throws you over his shoulder 'Oh my God! What the fuck! Jobe, what are you doing? I'm wearing a skirt for God's sake!'

But your ranting fell on deaf ears as he continued dragging you to where you don't know. He stopped abruptly once he arrived at the school's backyard 'I'm going!' You yelled and ran but he caught you again 'Stop it!' You whined hitting his calf with your foot and he hiss 'Ow! That hurts!'

You crossed your arms together and pout away from him 'That's what you get for being such an arsehole!' He snickered, but once he saw your stern expression he readjusted his posture and fake a cough 'Okay, fine. I'm sorry for what I did to you. I was wrong. 100%. I found out about the guy and felt so guilty. I doubted you and get unreasonably jealous. I am a dick and realize that.'

You were quiet and he grows anxious from the lack of response '...Just a dick? You were a dickbag.' You deadpanned, eyes still not on his

You heard him stifle a laugh and you rolled your eyes 'Well, apologies accepted I guess..?' He didn't waste a second and engulf you in a bone-crush hug.

'Fucking hell! I can't breathe!' He eventually broke the hug and scratched his un-itch neck 'Sorry,' He gave you one last peck before pulling you back inside the school.

[ultraintrovertedgryffindor]

𝐁𝐞𝐜𝐚𝐮𝐬𝐞 𝐎𝐟 𝐘𝐨𝐮 - Osferth (The Last Kingdom)

honestly, got this idea from that one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air that absolutely broke me and made me revisit my abandonment issues. so yeah, this is gonna be sad. i apologize in advance🤷🏻‍♀️(p.s. don't read this while listening to hurt by Christina Aguilera or because of you by Kelly Clarkson)

Warnings: spoilers for TLK (obvi, and for Death Of Kings), angst, hurt/comfort, daddy & abandonment issues (like same, i kin osferth honestly), Alfred was a great king but a shitty father (in the show at least), kinda bittersweet

word count | 2.3k🤙🏻

You all stood in king Aethelred’s throne room, watching King Alfred and your leader Uhtred discuss battle plans. It all sounded very important but all you could watch was how Osferth’s lips turned into a frown as his father embraced his daughter, Aethelflaed. He looked like a kicked puppy and all you could do was glare at the King with disdain.

You hadn’t been in this team of Lord Uhtred for very long, but long enough to know that you cared deeply for each one of your companions and would give your life for any one of them, but especially Osferth. You were there when he first introduced himself, so shy and soft spoken, wanting to be like his uncle. So to see him so sullen made you want to drive your blade into the King’s skull.

You never understood why being a bastard was bad, but everyone said it like it was one of the worst things you could be, especially if you were a bastard of a king. Osferth was always introduced as a bastard first, never as a warrior or one of Uhtred’s men, always just King Alfred’s bastard. It didn’t sit right with you, and it clearly made him uncomfortable. You tried to never think of him as Alfred’s bastard, just your friend. Osferth was the sweetest person in the world, so how on earth would anyone ever give him away? You saw how it affected him, even if he didn’t show it. You saw how he looked at Edward and Aethelflaed, that envy and longing. He just wanted to be loved and accepted, and Alfred took that from him. You had no respect for the king.

Osferth couldn’t even be in the presence of Edward, his half brother, having to quietly excuse himself. You couldn’t let him go on his own. Ever since you met the boy, you’ve had an overwhelming urge to keep him safe, always anxious whenever he was out of sight. You felt bad for still wanting to protect him, knowing he’s proven himself time and time again that he can defend himself. It was hard to not to think back to the time when he cried when he killed his first man. War makes you desensitized, whether that was a good thing or not.

“Are you okay?” You asked softly once you caught up with him.

“Mhm.” He hummed, his eyes not meeting yours.

You frowned. “You don’t have to lie to me, Osferth. I thought we were closer than that.”

“It’s not that.” He sighed, resting his hands inside his leather chest armor, a cute quirk he got into the habit of doing. “I just don't want to waste my breath on him…”

“It’s okay to have feelings about it, you know? You don’t have to keep it all bottled inside, not around me.”

Osferth did continue to keep his feelings bottled up since that day, and it made you upset that he was just suffering in silence. Your worrying became even worse after the battle where you all fought against Haesten’s army, your baby monk getting harmed in the process. Thankfully, the damage wasn’t too bad but he’d be out of fighting for a while so he could heal. You made no qualms when you were tasked with taking care of him at his half sister’s estate, you tried to do that all the time anyway. You still wanted him to open up to you, but you didn’t want to push him. You weren’t a bastard but you understood what it was like to not have a parent want you, you knew what complicated and conflicting feelings came along with it. He didn’t have to be alone in his struggle.

Osferth made no mention of the conversation you had with him that day, only thanking you and expressing apologies whenever you helped him around his injuries (although he made a habit of calling Finan a slave). You tried not to speak of it, not wanting to upset him, especially when he was healing from his physical wounds. You could see how exhausted he was, how his once bright blue eyes dimmed with pain. He was more irritable, uncharacteristically so, to the point even Finan was tired of taking care of him. You could see he was hurting, but you didn’t know how or when to bring it up.

It seemed all those suppressed emotions came to a head one day, a loud crash being heard throughout the building, coming from Osferth’s room. You took off in that direction, seeing a disheveled Finan right outside the boy’s door. “What the hell is going on?” You asked.

“I made a joke, just teasing, then the lad went off like an absolute nutter.” Finan huffed, “I was trying to give him some water but he threw it back at me and it broke.” You made a move to walk into the room, but he put his arm out to stop you. “I wouldn’t. I’d just let him be for now, until he calms down at least.”

“Come on, it’s not like he’s going to hurt me, Finan.” You pushed his arm out of the way and promptly entered the bedroom.

You almost expected the room to be in ruins, but all that looked out of place was the shattered pottery that once held water scattered on the floor. And Osferth, sitting with his back turned to the door on his bed, his head hanging low. “Sorry Finan, I didn’t mean to get so upset…” Osferth whispered softly, turning his head to only see you and not the Irishman. “Oh, uh, didn’t know it was you.”

You smiled weakly, coming to sit next to him. “It’s okay, but are you?”

Osferth shrugged, a slight blush coming to his face at your close proximity. “He just made a joke about me being…ya know. He does it all the time so I don’t know why I got so mad. He’s not angry with me, is he?”

You shook your head. “No. He seemed like he kind of felt bad, this time, at least…Ever since that day at Aethelred’s estate, you’ve not been yourself. I know you haven’t been showing it, but I can feel that you’re upset. I think talking to someone might help, it doesn’t have to be me obviously, but someone. Maybe Sihtric? Since he’s-” You were interrupted by the sounds of soft sniffles and whimpers, your brows immediately furrowing in concern as soon as you saw Osferth’s pained expression. “Osferth?” You whispered softly, cautiously reaching out to hold his hand, afraid to scare him away.

“I hate feeling this way.” He sniffled, using his other hand to angrily wipe away a couple fallen tears. “Alfred never even tried to talk to me, never. As soon as I was born, he forced me into the monastery. I’ve never known anything else, so why do I feel this way? How can I miss something I’ve never had? Even now, I’m nothing to him. I’ve never been anything but a burden to him…”

“You are anything but a burden, Osferth.” You spoke sternly, anger welling up inside you at Alfred for making your best friend feel that way.

“But I am! I’m an embarrassment. That’s the only reason Lord Uhtred even let me join him in the first place. All to embarrass the…king.” He spat.

“Osferth…”

“Why doesn’t he want me?” Osferth cried, his tears falling off his cheeks onto your hands that held his on his lap. The pain in his voice even made you tear up, and all you wanted to do was wrap him up in your arms and never let him go. I want you, I want you more than anything in the world, you wanted to say. But all you did was squeeze his hand tighter and pulled him onto your chest, holding the back of his head and running your fingers through his hair soothingly.

“You are not a burden.” You whispered into his hair, pulling him to you as close as humanly possible. “Not to me, not to Uhtred, not to anyone. Anyone who even thinks that will meet the end of my blade. Alfred is a fool to not see your worth and if I could, I’d cut off his head without remorse.”

Osferth quickly shushed you, bringing his hand up to cup your jaw hesitantly. “Such talk is treason.”

“You’re worth it, Osferth.” You spoke with such sincerity it made the pale boy blush, his tears cascading down over his pink cheeks made such a beautifully sad portrait, his eyes a stark blue from crying. You couldn’t help but lean forward and gently kiss the wrinkle in between his eyebrows. “You’ll always be worth it to me.” You took a deep breath, your heart hammering inside your ribcage. “Unlike Alfred…I’ll never abandon you, baby monk. Even in death, you wouldn’t be rid of me.”

Osferth chuckled tearfully, looking up at you in awe. “You’re an angel, you know that?”

Now it was your turn to blush, but you gently shook your head. “I do not.”

“You are. It’s because of you I know God exists. How could He not when such a woman as you is sitting before me?” Your breath catches, a fluttering feeling rattling around in your stomach as you and Osferth look into each other’s eyes. “Can I…can I kiss you, my lady?” He stuttered, a hopeful expression on his face.

“Please…” You whispered in reply, both of you leaning forward and capturing his lips with yours.

And you decided to stay with him that night, refusing to leave his side even when he said he was feeling better. You held him in your arms, allowing his head to rest against your chest, the sound of your soothing heartbeat lulling him to sleep.

Eventually when the death of King Alfred was announced, it didn’t shock anyone; he was frail and sickly and should have died a long time ago, but that didn’t make it hurt any less for anyone. He was called great for a reason, he was loved and respected by many, even his enemies. His family were devastated, his friends, his allies, even those like Uhtred who were reluctant in following him at first. Except you, you had difficulty finding any sympathy in your heart for really one reason only: Osferth.

You had no respect or shroud of kindness for the king in life, so why would you in death? All you cared about was Osferth and how he felt.

You thought back to all the times you’d walk in on Osferth crying, always quick to wipe away his tears like he never was crying in the first place. He was so quick in concealing his emotions that anyone else never would’ve noticed, but you always did. After being with Alfred in the throne room, when he looked so relieved that his daughter was safe, Osferth would excuse himself. Whenever Uhtred had discussions with Edward or Aethelflaed, he would do the exact same thing. You knew he had to be feeling something towards his father’s death, whether he would admit it or not. You just wanted to be there for him if he needed you.

Like any king’s death, the aftermath was chaos. You all had to worry for Uhtred for a while there, but everything turned out alright in the end. People were celebrating the new King Edward’s coronation, drinking and humping the night away, but Osferth was nowhere to be found. You had asked your boys if they had seen him anywhere, but no one knew and all Finan did was joke that he might be finally losing his virginity. Not that helpful.

You finally found him sitting against one of the walls of the town, drinking a pint of ale. His lips instinctively upturned in a brief smile when he saw you walking his way, though his eyes looked weary. “What are you doing all the way out here, huh?” You asked softly, crouching down to sit next to him, causally taking a sip from his mug.

Osferth shrugged. “Just thinking.”

“Oh, yeah? About what?” You reached over and interlaced your fingers with his, smiling when he brought your hand up to kiss your knuckles.

“Before Alfred died…I visited him.” He exhaled shakily, and you couldn’t help but gasp.

“What did he say?” You asked curiously, but also dreading the answer just in case.

Osferth smiled sadly, tears already welling up in his eyes. “He apologized to me, that it was his fault for me being the way that I am…said he’d put in a good word for me when he got to heaven.” He chuckled weakly, wiping away some of his fallen tears. “He said I was a good man…that he was proud of me, called me his son.”

You teared up at his confession, squeezing his hand tighter. “And…did that make you feel better? Was it closure?”

Osferth’s bottom lip trembled, nodding his head, turning to look at you with a tearful crooked smile. “It was…but I didn’t need to hear it from him to know I’m a good man. I am. You showed me that better than he ever could.”

You smiled bashfully. “Oh, Osferth, you flatter me. But I am glad you made your peace with him, even if it came late.” You kissed his hand as well, moving closer so you could lean your shoulder against his. “Really, my love, are you okay?” You asked seriously, only to receive a sweet kiss on your cheek, causing heat to bloom in your chest in contrast to the cold temperature.

“I am sad, but I’ve lived without my father my entire life. I’ll be okay, especially when you’re right here with me. It’s only you who I need by my side. It’s you I wouldn’t be able to live without.”

“Good, because I don’t plan on leaving you any time soon, my baby monk."

literally wish he and alfred had more screen time TOGETHER, and curse the writers for not including their talk before alfred died. seriously.

[slayerchick303]

In honor of Pride, here are some more of my Queer as Folk hot takes:

I hate the Jenny Rebecca custody battle storyline. For one thing, it's tedious as hell. Also, I don't believe Ben would support Michael in that bullshit. Ben is all about balance and everything in moderation. There's no way he would be like, "We know these 2 women are good mothers, but because they're no longer a couple, that makes me and Michael more qualified to have custody of JR." Like, no. When Hunter's mother came back, he was all set to send Hunter back to her without a custody battle before learning how she abused Hunter. Him supporting Michael in the fight for Jenny Rebecca makes no sense.

The way the show resolved Ted's self-esteem problems sucked. They literally made him have to have cosmetic surgery to have any confidence. It would've made more sense for Ted to have overall better mental health and realize his self-worth after becoming sober and having therapy. It would've been a much healthier message for society, too.

The show making Drew Boyd gay was stupid. The guy is obviously bisexual. He says he has sex with a million women as well as men. He also says he's attracted to and loves his female fiancee while he's having an affair with Emmett. He's not gay. Making him, as well as Hunter and Lindsay, binary sexualities is bi erasure and is straight up nonsensical.

Michael is often an asshole in season 5, and I hate how judgemental his character becomes. Yes, it's good that Michael doesn't bend over backward to defend Brian as much when Brian would never do the same for him. Especially since Michael often shielded Brian from criticism from others when Brian's choices frequently went against Michael's own values. A moment I especially hate is when Michael and Brian are fighting in the empty Babylon when Brian is trying to convince Michael to drop the custody battle for JR, because it'll fuck over Lindsay (which Brian is totally right about). Michael says that Brian needs to grow up because Brian doesn't want a monogamous relationship, to get married, or to have children. It's fucking bullshit. Brian is not childish for not wanting those things. Brian calls Michael out on being a judgemental, sanctimonious, twat. Michael used to defend Brian for having different desires for his life because Brian's wants are 100% valid. When Michael gets married, moves to the suburbs, and has JR/fosters Hunter, he becomes this dick who thinks that if you don't have the same priorities as him, you're immature. That's a horrible belief and a total change from the accepting person he used to be.

There could have been a much better ending to Ted revenge fucking the guy (Troy) who pity fucked Ted as a Pride "gift" in season 2. Ted's initial plan to tell Troy he's Ted's pity fuck now is awesome, and Ted falling for him is 100% on brand for Ted's character. Troy continuing to be an asshole and them breaking up, despite both genuinely liking each other in the show, makes me a little sad. I have an idea for a much better end for them. Troy immediately boasts to Ted about his hobby of sleeping with "losers" as a joke in the show and that he did it to someone in Ted's building (not realizing it was actually Ted himself). Instead of what the show did, as Troy and Ted spent more time together, Troy could have seen how well Ted treated people. It could've made Troy realize that what he used to do was really shitty. We could've even seen Troy run into one of his pity fucks earlier on his own and apologize, saying that he was horrible, lead the guy on, was sorry, and hoped the guy found someone who saw how great he was. Troy could've expressed to Ted that being with him made Troy want to be a better person (because Ted does that for essentially everyone in his life by being so supportive and kind, especially after getting sober). It would've been amazing for that final night at Babylon to go a different way. Emmett could still come up to ask if Ted had dumped Troy yet, only to realize Ted had fallen for him. Then, instead of what the show did, all of them could've seen Troy apologize to the random guy he wronged who came up to him about Troy ditching him. It would've been great if Troy said after that that he wished he could find the guy he did the same thing to in Ted's building so he could apologize to that guy too, and that Ted had inspired him to take accountability. The gang could see Ted admit that he was Troy's pity fuck there. Troy could sincerely apologize in front of everyone and say he'd understand if Ted never wanted to see him again and/or if all of Ted's friends hated him. The gang could give Ted and Troy their blessing, and Ted and Troy could end up together. After all, Ted's friend group forgave people for MUCH worse behavior (i.e. Blake nearly killing Ted).

What are your Queer as Folk unpopular opinions? Tag me in your post or put them in a reblog if you do this. Here is PART TWO:

[cumulohimbus]

Dear fellow transmascs, trans men, afab nonbinary beings, and anyone who is not directly impacted by transmisogny; (*Note: we won't get all the terminology right here probably, but we don't keep up so much on current discourse about labels and acronyms--we apologize if some is outdated, we did our best.)

We know sometimes it's hard to not feel hurt, and in some cases personally smeared by other beings talking about the impact of transmisogny and transmisogynoir. Sometimes these messages are interwoven with comments about shitty (white) transmasc/afab enby beings, and we understand the urge to protest: "Are we not also at risk of discrimination and violence for being trans?"

Well, yeah, sure. And there's already a word for that: it's just "misogyny". This being is not so scared of being saddled with unlawful charges or even flat out murdered by police, because we expect that, despite passing okay-ish, if police were to clock us as trans they're going to just treat us as uwu weak woman.

We have noticed a common pattern with transphobia/transmisia.

For transmascs & afab enbys, transphobia/transmisia often seems to manifest in being dismissed and not taken seriously. "You're just a lesbian." "You just have depression and anxiety and you're overreacting." "You must have penis envy." It's patronizing and invalidating, absolutely. We cannot just be what we say we are; we will forever be the weaker, submissive, maternal ones. Some of y'all get so incensed at this that you participate in "pragmatic denialism", i.e. the mindset of "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em". You swing so hard at masculinity that you perpetuate unjust and demeaning patriarchal social structures. This being has been there before--early on in our transition, because it was the only way we felt like we could have any sort of autonomy. And we've moved past that now; we very much hope you learn to do the same.

A former religion teacher of ours once mailed us a four-page handwritten letter about how she was praying for us because we must be so mentally ill to think we're trans. She could accept us if we were bisexual, but we "have a vagina", therefore we "are a woman".

But she didn't silence our voice and try to cut us off from our entire community. She didn't threaten (or perpetrate) violence or calling law enforcement on us. She didn't call us an "it" (I mean, it/its pronouns are fine for us these days, but you know what we mean). She didn't paint us as a sexual deviant or predator. She didn't brand our very existence as obscene. We were wrong--misguided--but never obscene.

For transfem and amab enbys, transphobia/transmisia carries extra layers of complexity. Many deal with a number of the same things we've described above I'm sure (the not being taken seriously, especially if they do not go to great lengths to present themself as femininely as possible, which we find extraordinarily infuriating). But then there are those who do take transfem and amab enby beings seriously, and in doing so also label them as abominations. Because who would willingly demote themself to womanhood and femininity? There must be some sort of predatory motive...

To try to summarize these patterns of transphobia:

Transmascs/afab queers = are and will always be women = misogyny Transfems/amab queers = were men who 'chose' to demote themselves to womanhood (and therefore must have some dangerous ulterior motive) = transmisogyny (a type of misogyny where victims are seen as men simply playing pretend as women; it denies transfem beings their womanhood AND punishes them for their femininity because femininity is already inferior to masculinity)

All this is to say, please don't divide the community more. Please just listen to the experiences of trans women and amab queer folks; ask how you can be supportive if you're able. And do yourself a favor as well: throw away your puritanical beliefs about obscenity. Obscenity is largely a whole crock of bullshit. My religion teacher would have been equally, if not more correct about us if she had deemed us "sexually deviant" instead of merely "mentally ill", and you know what? We own our weird kinks; they're not hurting anybody else (unless it's consensual ;p ).

For those that read all the way to here, there is nuance we surely skipped over for the sake of this post not being wordier than it already is. We encourage you to analyze the words we have said, and not put any in our mouth which we have not said. The things we have left out would require an entire textbook.

Transfems and amab queer folks (and also intersex folks!) feel free to add on anything as you see fit; my sword and shield are yours.

-Cumulohimbus, et al.

[golbrocklovely]

its actually so different seeing boys act like that when they’re kinda off camera. also seths comment was disgusting asf. i know theyre men so theyre making these jokes but jesus christ after they know they were recorded the whole time?

it is a bit strange to see how they act bts, but it also makes sense. they aren't gonna be screaming at the top of their lungs and freaking out if nothing is happening. they only put that face on for the camera.

and yes, seth's comment was gross.

if i can add on just my two cents tho, i would like for ppl to hear me out.

i stated this before in my longer post about this whole thing, but men say gross shit about women when they aren't around. that's just reality. obviously not all men talk about women like that, but that type of behavior goes unrecognized a lot with groups of men. most men don't call out other men for saying shit about women. and a lot of women don't call out men for doing it either. as someone who used to be friends with only men for a long time, a lot of them would say inappropriate shit to me about other women. and about me to my own face. and bc i was young and didn't really have a backbone, i allowed that to happen. hell, sometimes i would agree. i realize that's shitty now, but it took a long time to grow out of that internalized misogyny. i'm still unlearning behavior like that, and it most likely will be a continuous process for life bc we live in a patriarchy and treating women like shit is kinda expected and accepted.

now, none of this is to say that what seth said should be allowed or glossed over. no, i don't think that. but my personal belief is that the only person that needs an apology is kristin. bc that's is who the comment was directed at. yes, it was upsetting to hear it from seth, but he didn't personally direct his objectification at me, or any other women in this fandom. kristin is the one that needs the apology.

i'm gonna assume he apologized, strictly bc she went on to do a video with him and snc on xplrclub and was all smiles there, but hey. if she wants a public one, i would love for her to receive it. and if not, it is what it is. but i get that many others don't feel that way. feel however you want to. my word is not law.

[nellie-elizabeth]

Grey's Anatomy: Come Fly With Me (19x17)

Okay, this was a solid middle-of-the-road episode, where some of the plot threads worked really well for me, and others were a miss.

Cons:

This Nick and Lucas thing was kind of baffling. We see that Nick is frustrated with Lucas for dropping the ball on some patient care matters, and he tells him to work out his ADHD meds so he can stay on top of his career. Lucas is baffled, having had no idea he had ADHD, but once he looks into it, he realizes that it fits. He and Nick talk, and Nick says that he does too, and that he thought it might derail his career, but he manages it now like every other part of his life. This is... fine, like, I don't have a problem doing a story around this, but for one thing it verged into after school special territory for me with the cheesiness and neatness of the story. This is the first we've known about this being an issue for Lucas, it just kind of came out of nowhere. And the utter inappropriateness of Nick, Lucas's boss, just... making an assumption about his mental health diagnosis and whether he's on meds or not? I was staggered by how clumsy and inappropriate that moment was, and it just felt very forced and unrealistic. So yeah, the concept seems cool to me; if Nick (the most boring character in the world) is really sticking around, might as well give him a mentorship role for Lucas. It just felt weird how they did it.

Doing a quick check-in about the Luna going Deaf thing: I didn't love the fact that Jo talked about all the appointments Luna needed, and mentioned speech therapy among them, but nothing about ASL classes. I hope that changes. Speech therapy is great! But Luna should learn sign language! I really, really hope they go into that.

I think the absence of Simone's shitty fiancé is starting to weigh on this love triangle story a bit. I don't feel at all connected to this choice she's making, to marry this man we've met in one episode, and who didn't exactly make the best impression. So Jules being her maid of honor, proving that she knows her, that's fine. It just feels sort of disconnected from reality.

Amelia apologizes to people for her crappy behavior in last week's episode, and while Mika accepts the apology instantly, Winston is stony-faced and storms off once she's finished talking. I find Amelia's distress just sort of exhausting, and Winston's attitude in response to her genuine apology was pretty harsh. She lashed out at him and that wasn't fair, but she took full responsibility and he just has to hold a grudge? Yeesh.

Pros:

To my absolute astonishment, I rather liked Owen and Link working together, keeping it professional to start, and then all the drama that followed therein. I think it's because I'm so against the romantic relationships that these two men are in (or going to be in), that a story with interpersonal tension that was entirely about work, was honestly refreshing. Like, Owen sucks, and he behaves poorly, but also Link is scared because of his last big complicated high-profile surgery, that ended up killing a young man. They both need to adjust their behavior here, and Simone kind of gets stuck in the middle, but ultimately it's a big damn victory for Link and the entire hospital, as they end up pulling off a complex surgery involving a man with over 90 broken or fractured bones.

Blue made a mistake by letting Jules's elderly neighbor wander around the hospital in a delirium because of a UTI. I like that he immediately worked with the patient and was super gracious and welcoming, but then left out of selfishness to pursue a learning opportunity. He basically made an honest mistake, misinterpreting the severity of Max's condition, and now Jules is furious with him and lashing out. A realistic set of circumstances, I feel. I loved seeing Schmitt, too, come into his role as a leader, as he firmly chastises Blue for his mistake, and also shows great bedside manner with the patient.

My favorite part of the episode is the conversation about the interns. We get a gathering of some of our senior doctors in the firm, as Teddy, Richard, Bailey, Amelia, and Nick meet to discuss some feedback they've gotten from the residents. The thing that stick with them most is the note about the salary, and how it doesn't even meet the average cost of living for Seattle. They reminisce about their own bad memories from early in their career, and weigh the pros and cons of trying to make things better. There's a benefit, as Teddy points out, in upholding tradition and helping people to grow through adversity. But how can they train good doctors if everyone is sleep-deprived and working extra jobs to make rent? My favorite part was when Bailey is remembering not being able to get time off to go to her aunt's funeral, and the attending telling her that being a "resident" meant "living in the hospital." Richard frowns and asks: "did I know the attending at the time?" and Bailey responds: "It was you." That made me laugh!

And meanwhile poor Yasuda is going around all day thinking that she's about to be fired. I love how she storms in to say her piece, and then gets the news: they're going to create a grant, to help interns out financially during their lower-paying residencies. Good for Teddy, for seeing this problem and taking tangible and immediate steps to address it! Honestly, I liked her a lot in this episode. Maybe that's the trick to make me not despise Teddy or Owen as characters, just don't let them share scenes together.

Richard goes to Helm at the bar to ask her how he can get her to come back, too, which I thought was so nice! I'd love to see Helm return to the hospital. I honestly miss her, and Schmitt needs his friend around.

So there we have it. There were things about this episode that kind of concerned me or just annoyed me, but other things that felt like real and surprising strengths! It's awesome that the show is delving into the issues with our healthcare system, up to and including the very busted way we actually train our doctors to do their life-saving jobs.

8/10

[offbookkeeping]

33. Odycheese with Griffan Newman

Plot summary:

Brian, a man who can eat any form of dairy except cheese and is extremely resentful and bitter about cheese as a concept is told by his parents that he needs to take the family boat and go on a cheese odyssey. He meets the men who run his ship, First Mate Fred, Pip, Parrot-y Pete, Gene, and Francois. He takes his place as Captain and they set off across the seven cheese seas. They decide to sail across the River of Brie. A month later they come to the mouth of the River of Brie and run into two alluring cracker sirens, Brittany and Candace who consensually sit on him and discuss crushing his bones and during him into pâté.The sirens try to eat him but he's saved by the crew members, who once again warn him about the dangers of the Brie River. They tell him he's very handsome and everyone aboard the ship would be lucky to have him as a husband or wife depending on how he identifies. Brian comes out as pansexual. The next monster they face is the One-Eyed One-Appled Monster of the Brie Sea, a cyclops with a singular apple. First Mate Fred has a minor identity crisis and Pip assures everyone they can be themselves. All of a sudden they find themselves in a whirlpool but they narrowly escape by making a roux. Brian discovers he can talk to cheese. The reveal to him that he's from Cheese Island where everyone is cheese and everyone's happy. Except him. People bullied him for not being cheese and he ran away. They tell him they missed him and that everyone was just so young that they didn't treat him the way they should've. Brian decides to go back to his hometown and visits Pepperjackie, the girl he asked out who made fun of him. He goes to her house and discovers that Jackie is married to her middle school sweetheart Mozzarella. Despite the fact that he would do anything but face her he accepts her offer of a cup of tea and goes into their house to catch up. Jackie apologizes for the shitty things she said as a kid and says she didn't realize how she affected people when she was so young. Mozz apologizes for how he took out his self hatred into him. They give him a desk lamp as a parting gift. Brian decided to stay on Cheese Island and let Pip run the Cheesecake Factory. Pip becomes mayor and Brian's parents are now dead. They leave to go haunt him on Cheese Island.

Best quotes:

• "seafood's kinda the cheese of the sea..."

• "THEY'LL ROUX THE DAY THEY MET THIS CREW!"

Best songs:

• A Little Man Can't Be A Froi Gras

• The River of Brie

• The One-Eyed One-Appled Monster of the Brie Sea

Thoughts Overall:

ZACH AND JESS PLAY KINKY MURDEROUS CRACKER SIRENS!! Also Zach and Jess talking about gender-fluidity and playing realistic queer characters makes me so fucking happy like wkckwjjfwjdhsbdhsh. Like Jess pointing out that gender and sexuality aren't related?? And Zach saying that Brian would make a gorgeous wife or husband for any of the crew members? Dare I say this is a better gay pirate show than Our Flag Means Death?? (no i don't dare but it's still pretty good). I fucking love this episode

[champagnepodiums]

This is a long ass question so apologies in advance lol. First of all, your instagram chart is very interesting, thank you for making it. A couple things I found interesting were the fact that the redbull boys don’t follow each other and that bottas only follows his teammate, his ex teammate and stroll (?? So random haha). Is there anything that you find particularly interesting?Secondly, I’ve thought about what you said about lewis being in antartica and while I see your point I think that saying he doesn’t walk the walk is kind of diminishing of all the actual work he’s done in regards to climate activism. And btw I don’t want to sound like I’m excusing him in this case because while I don’t know the specifics of his trip I do know that it’s an ecosystem that needs to be preserved, but at the same time I do think he does a lot of what he speaks of. He still fucks up from time to time of course, almost everyone I saw was criticising him for it though. This is not meant to be an attack towards you btw I just thought it was an interesting discussion to have.

SO iirc Lance Stroll and Valtteri Bottas were set to be teammates at Williams before Nico Rosberg retired and Mercedes gave Bottas the nod.

There isn't really anything I'm shocked by. Except that George is maybe slacking a bit in following the newbie/returners.

I'm not trying to diminish what he's done but truth be told, when I say walk the walk, I'm not talking about Lewis forgetting to recycle something -- I'm talking about the fact that he went to a fairly untouched and fragile ecosystem on a ritzy vacation with other rich people. And maybe he did some eco-preservation or something but it did not appear that way on social media.

And like sure -- he does a lot of what he speaks of but that doesn't erase the damage that this trip probably caused the ecosystem? I don't expect people to be perfect but when environmentalism is part of your platform, I don't think taking a vacation to Antarctica is appropriate.

Ultimately, the Antarctica vacation is just a good reminder that Lewis Hamilton is a very rich man who is generally out of touch with reality. And I'm not saying that like as condemnation -- I think all F1 drivers and the vast majority of racing drivers at the top levels are rich men who are out of touch with the reality that the rest of the world lives in. Like I think to be a motorsport fan you have to accept that lmao

So yeah, I mean, I'm still a big fan of Lewis and I'm not going to stop supporting him or anything but I'm also not letting him off that easily. Doing good things most of the time doesn't give you a pass to do a super shitty thing in my mind)

(ALSO i would like to remind/inform you all that I am on the Autism spectrum so I am aware that how I come across)

[sappho-ism]

Hi There !! I really Like your blog I think I feel Good at this moment I've been in pain for a while and by a while i mean a looong time.. dying for who I am anyway the thing is that I've been in a relationship with a Bi Girl and I really loved her (unfortunately) but it's over and it's me who ended up that shit I'm a Demisexual Lesbian And it really my whole life to finally love someone that much but whatever the problem is that one day when we've been talking about sexualities she said : are you sure you're a lesbian cz it's weird for me i can be with girls as well as boys we're just people who loves people the gender doesn't matter and all Girls are bi the thing is that some girls choose to be hetero and some like you choose to be homo I replied: No I'm sure i don't like men and i don't have any attraction it's just like that i can't change it and i didn't choose to be who i am she said : well maybe you don't think about it maybe you didn't find the right type tell me how it feels to think about a relationship with a guy i replied :nothing i'm not going to feel anything other than being disgusted and i really don't like where this conversation is going it's ok if you don't understand i don't understand your feelings and attraction for boys as well but it's fine you know at the end we're all different. she said: daamn you think a relationship with a guy is gross and you don't have attraction you're faking it aren't you lol y'all Homosexual girls just pretending stop faking it ommg you know All lesbians suffer from mental illness you're really sick you need treatment . i didn't say anything i was like wait wtf is this?!! after that she tried to fix it she said : you're not thinking I'm a homophobic right? it's just what i think we're all bi and by choice some choose ... and guys are..

i didn't know what to say or.. so i just start thinking about her words and my broken heart and all the shit she did and said before and then i realized --well that wasn't the shittiest thing-- i was just closing my eyes every time about all that shit -- anyway i decided to end it cz it won't work obviously i need someone to love and accept me for who i am not the opposite . after that she tried to fix it by sending me some pics but then i realized that my feeling are gone my attractions as well i don't feel anything like if it's all gone i just distanced myself and start to hate myself everyday for who i am cz everyone is against me my family , society and the only one i was in love with i hated life+ the way people are i just wanted to die i stayed away from anyone i wasn't talking to anyone wasn't eating or sleeping as i should...anyway after a few months we started talking again i apologized for not talking to her (stuuupid me -yeah i know-)then she changed she became more shitty than before or maybe it was since then i v got my eyes open she was giving me less time and she said i guy kissed her and she kept talking with him anyway and when i say something she says you're overreacting you're a lesbian you're mentally ill but you know that i love you and i wan't you but now i just don't know what i wan't we don't have to be like this it's toxic you have to be open minded life isn't just about one thing and she start talking about another guy who have a crush on her and how she likes spending time with him wearing his clothes and taking pictures with him --looked soo happy when i was crying for her everyday-- tells me about the way he looks with jealousy at her when another guy was playing with her hair... --but yeah she was against me being jealous cz lesbians are mentally ill and crazy in her (shitty) opinion--. since then i distanced myself again and this time for good . but since then i stayed in my room never been out it's been months.. almost a year i don't talk to anyone and my english is really bad sorry for that i kinda forgot how to talk or write but i think i'm healing i'm feeling more better since i've created an account on tumbler i know that it's not my fault it's just who i am and i'm not alone i'm not the only lesbian in this universe and i don't have to feel shitty i'm proud of who i am i didn't deserved that shit all that pain i still feel it but it feels like if i'm starting to get better thank you all of you for creating such a save place

was it the right thing to do? what's your opinion about all of this ?

All my love

First of all, holy shit, that sounds like a lot and I’m sorry that happened to you… It sounds awful. I know that breakups are probably one of the worst feelings and healing is a slow process, you don’t need to rush yourself on that. It’s just something that comes with time. But regardless, you didn’t deserve that at all.

Since you asked, I do think what you did was the right thing. You did what would protect you and honestly in that situation I would’ve done the same thing. In a relationship you deserve to feel understood and appreciated by your partner. What your ex-girlfriend was doing was just wrong. I don’t think I have another word for it. It’s just not what someone should do, not to people they don’t know and especially not towards you, her partner. She clearly doesn’t understand how damaging and just straight up ignorant she was.

I’m glad my blog and blogs like mine have become a safe space for you, I mean this is what we are here for after all. So people can feel connected. You’re valid and accepted here and I’m glad to hear you’re starting to feel a bit better and hopefully you’ll start feeling even better soon too. ❤️‍🩹

[mr-inkslinger]

genuinely a lil heartbreaking to hear someone say that astarion feels... coded. Like he's pan/bi, what about him makes him feel ...coded and not bi? Do what you want and i dont mean to come off like im miffed at you specifically for feeling some type of way about it or having an opinion, I've just seen so much biphobia about the bg3 characters but especially and overwhelmingly when it comes to astarion, its disheartening and sad to hear so many people say that the flamboyant man who often talks about his relations with men Has to be gay and the whole "I can't see him with a woman, sorry girls he's not for you" are actual comments I've seen which is just kinda :( cause he's confirmed pan by a couple people involved in the game and characters creation. just feels like it feeds into a lot of irl rhetoric around bi's being either too gay or too straight to be bi ykwim? Again not meaning to sound pissy with you or anything, obviously its not real so its not that big a deal whatsoever and you're a random person on the internet with thoughts, i think im just more rambling to you about that general idea and the biphobia ive seen from others, sorry about that ❤️ please delete this if you like im a stranger on the internet lmao ly.

Yes, I understand that, I've also retracted my previous statement on my word usage in previous asks on the subject.

It was less intended on being bi erasure, more on I'm getting away from writing content for women for a while. Astarion was just the first I've committed to it, but my subsequent characters will be mostly m!reader. I know it came off shitty, a lot of the time when I post things like that, it's when I'm drinking and don't give a damn about the consequences. I would delete it, but that'd be.. dishonest?? I suppose. Like I said it, I'll stand by it, to deal with the consequences. I know that's not an excuse, I'm not using it as one, I'm just explaining my pov.

I thought I was bi for a looooong time, but that was in a time where I was uncomfortable with my sexuality and lacked the security to just be gay. I dated women to be more palatable to the masses. So, I understand and definitely did not intend for that to happen. As stated in my previous ask, which you should be able to find under my tags anon or asks, I try to be accommodating to as many things as I can but also, I write for me. It was mostly a disclaimer, like.. if I write, it'll be for me and my tastes.

It was poorly stated. It was wrong of me to say it the way I did. I don't know what else to say. Like I said, taking it down feels dishonest. Receiving these asks are the consequences of my actions and a reminder to do better, I suppose. I'm responding to yours because you were polite and articulate, which I appreciate. Again, I apologize.

Idk I'm bad at internet apologies, sue me, I'm only human. This is my first rodeo and my first time being a human.

If the general populous wants me to take that down, I'll gladly do so. It just felt more appropriate to.. idk accept the tomatoes being thrown for my shitty behavior and verbiage vs deleting it and sweeping it under the rug.

Is this accountability? Idk I feel like my boyfriend would tell me "hey, that's making excuses, not taking accountability and responsibility." So idk what accountability is. I'm trying to learn and grow, I suppose. Well, do or do not, there is no try.

[skinni-girls-eat-books]

Tuesday, February 20th, 2024! Part 2 (Positive)

6:24pm: 2sday, 02/20/2024 pt 2 lots of 2s

Anyway lol came home, blew the biggest final boss wad out of my nose, took a dump and let me tell you I'm smelling colors now 😂 I've never been so happy to smell my shit. I was really fucking scared that I had covid on some permanent sensory deprivation shit and I was on the verge of losing my mind. This morning I have never blown so much ODDLY colored snot out of my nose all at once before, it was like the weirdest fucking orange color but it's like I want to think it was from the cough drops but I really don't think it was because there was SO MUCH and it permeated all of the snot I just don't know. It was all so thick no wonder I've just been fucking miserable 😅 but I'm the biggest trooper I know I did the most this weekend and I'm SO GLAD I didn't let that mf stop me.

So glad I got my sense of smell and taste back I could actually taste the last Valentine's Day macaron I had left 😂 it must have been a sinus infection, that's so insane. Being sick is horrible I wouldn't wish it on anyone 👀

I have so many things to be grateful for. I am grateful that I don't have to live my life angry and upset forever like some people. I am grateful that I forgive people and have an amazing heart. I love life and I'm just going to keep doing the best I can with what I've got. ❤️ I love my cats every day I'm just going to love them with all my heart, don't be scared something will happen to them (anxiety) just love them everyday and you'll never have any regrets. I even forgive him for everything, calling me a shitty person, threatening my brother, all because he's just mentally ill. I have a feeling he'll be back, I just don't think that was the end. But that's not something I'll concern myself with for now. Just try to be at peace with what's going on right now.

7:52pm: I've literally just been scrolling on my phone enjoying doing nothing to the sound of my clear nasal passages and just enjoying breathing. Got my heated blanket out, just reading reddit stories about trash men and I am so glad I can't relate anymore!! It's not even so visceral anymore, I don't get like physically angry the way I used to reading these anymore. I feel very healed, it takes a lot to trigger me anymore. I think that's my way of knowing that I just will never fall for some crazy shit ever again 😂 I'm not even upset anymore. All that random ranting this morning and now it's like, poof! Goodbye. I knew I've been done in the back of my head, I was just enjoying the attention :) it felt good! You can't blame me for wanting to feel good, it's part of human nature! And it's not like I ever felt true respect for their relationship, it was truly a farce, an act, and I just didn't gaf. Oh how the turn tables, huh? I got mine as far as I'm concerned and I'm well convinced that is a really fucked up man. It's unfortunate, but it's not like I never tried to help him 1000x. I still am shocked how unempathetic I felt towards her even when bad things happen to her, I just don't feel bad for her and I never will, she's a really trashy, vain, disgusting person who does not deserve empathy or sympathy as far as I'm concerned. Lmao I feel like he would really get pissed off whenever I said they were perfect for each other, I think bc he knows exactly what I meant by it. What a joke.

10:39pm: it's ok to wake up from the nap and realize he's really gone :) you'll sleep and wake up again and sleep and wake up and good things will happen :) it's ok to feel the twang. This is a perfect example of how I would never do this to someone I've known for years but it's nothing for him to do it to me. We are not the same and that's good news for me :) I will survive and thrive because I'm actually a good person with a heart. At least I own my mistakes. He's too chicken shit to accept my apology like a fucking adult, he just had to run away again, no explanation. He never learns, never changes, acts like this is something I've done before?? Really thinks this something I'd do on purpose. Idc I know who I am, you would think he would know but he seems too self absorbed once again. How could he not realize how his words affect people, he's cruel. I'm not cruel, you hurt me and I told you I was having PTSD like feelings about you coming here and you always have acted like you're the only mf in the whole goddamn world with mental health issues, I've tiptoed around yours for years and you continued to dismiss mine repeatedly. Yeah I don't trust you mf and it's sad af how hard I tried to, but sad for you, not me.

12:16am: Coward is so the best word to describe him still, he acted cowardly by not even knocking on the door when he came the first night, so weird. Coward by blocking me when so many other exes would've burned his shit. Makes no sense, but nothing he ever did made sense ever. He treats his gf like shit by telling me wack ass things. He's such a bad person lol. I'm not gonna chase after him anymore I already resurrected this friendship back from the email grave once, I guess somehow that meant I was on thin ice with him?? Idc I'm not chasing him anymore. The comfort I find within knowing I would never act like him is all the comfort I need.

[shieldsurf]

something i often want to talk about a lot is the unique way in which i was othered as a trans teen by other trans teens in high school. i was kind of treated like shit and it was often very clearly expressed that there was an in-group that i was not and could not be part of, for reasons i don't know or understand... was is because my hormones were so fucked that, completely out of my control, my body was twisted into a caricature of femininity considered almost grotesque even by cisgender standards? was it because i wasn't able to socially or medically transition to the same extent as my peers by virtue of being a minor with unsupportive parents? was it because i was fat and some flavor of neurodivergent that made me an intense and awkward teenager?

i don't know. but it fucked me up. honestly more than my transphobic parents did. i mean, at least my parents were just on their face shitty to me. i didn't expect acceptance from them. but the other trans people in my life? i thought the trans community was supposed to provide support for each other, but they didn't want me either. it was a pretty huge blow to my self esteem and it's definitely affected my modern relationship with the lgbt community, particularly other trans men. i'm constantly torn between wanting to fully embrace my trans identity and community and become a fun freaky queer, and straying away from it and trying to be "normal" because as a teen i was repeatedly rejected and turned away by other trans people. i still struggle to trust and genuinely befriend other trans men because they were largely the source of my inter-community alienation back then.

i know one of them, by the time he was about to graduate, realized he was pretty awful to me and confided in my twin sister that he felt bad. she told me that apparently he was aware that the way he treated me was wrong, and he'd said a lot of stuff behind my back that he regretted, stuff about me being a trender or a fetishist or whatever. i'd been out longer than him, longer than almost all of my classmates, and i'd never faltered in my identity or how i presented, but i guess that didn't matter. regardless, he never mustered up the courage to apologize to me directly. and my reputation with other trans students never recovered.

i don't know how i really feel about all of this anymore. it was both so long ago and not very long at all. mostly it just makes me wish i didn't come out until i was an adult. at least then i wouldn't have weird complexes today about trans men and how i'll never fit in to what they want and expect from me. oh well