#don't get me wrong - I love my job but I've only worked there since March so it's all still pretty new

[danikatze]

hi! just wanted to say as someone who really likes your art (and has been dealing with burnout myself), im glad to hear you're getting some time off soon! I hope you're able to rest as much as you need to and are able to take care of yourself. I know from experience that it really sucks to get to the point in burnout where you're unable to even do art for fun, so im glad it seems like you're able to tackle it before it gets to that point

dunno if I really have a point to this other than, like, solidarity? lmao. its just nice to sees artists taking care of themselves

Oh, thanks so much 🥹 Currently I'm not really able to draw for fun, yeah, which really sucks.. I hasn't been this bad in years. I think trying to print old stuff will be fine though, and hopefully by that time I can draw again as well hahah.

I'm very lucky that the graphic studio I work at is closed the last two weeks of the year. Dunno if I would have taken that time off myself.

Maybe I would have though, because the last two (and a half) months have been kind of crazy. I've had to be present on weekends a lot for teaching workshops and exhibition openings and other events, and while my regular work days tend to be rather quiet, I've been teaching and assisting on those days a lot more than usual as well. And besides that we've had a lot of stress because an important (and expensive and difficult to replace) piece of equipment decided to break just when it was needed most - a lot of things have been going wrong/taking a lot more effort than necessary because of it.

It's been a lot. It's also been fun, but I'm super introverted and I didn't have much alone time that I could use for recharging.

Anyway, thanks again for the kind words, anon 💖You take care of yourself too!

[jj0latunji]

Dear Diary - KSI Imagine

Here's another imagine from Wattpad for y'all to read and hopefully like , send in any requests you have and I'll get to writing.

Here's JJ looking great in a suit oooooh.

January 19th 2020

9:45 p.m

London, England.

Dear Diary,

It finally happened, we finally broke up . I'm heartbroken don't get me wrong but I knew it was coming when he started getting distant.

I just walked into his apartment, ended things , wished him well and left. Funny thing is he didn't even realise it was my birthday today, imagine my boyfriend of 5 years didn't remember my birthday because he was too busy working on a YouTube video.

I do feel sad but not as sad as I should be considering I've ended this long relationship. I think it's just not set in fully yet , maybe it will when I wake up alone in bed tomorrow, when I have no one to share my breakfast with , no one to cuddle with when the apartment gets too cold . I just hope that when it sets in , it's not too bad .

I just want to forget everything about him and what we had and hopefully move on. I think I can do it but let's see.

I'll write to you again tomorrow and let you know how I'm feeling cause your the only one that I can talk to now about my feelings.

Love you Diary

Y/N signing off

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March 1st 2020

10:43 p.m

London, England

Dear Diary,

I've been such a mess. I knew people said breakups would be hard but I didn't know it would be this hard. All I do is sit around the apartment and cry. Even Talia said I've been crying too much and that's when I realised that I've been crying all the time cause Talia usually cries a lot too.

She asked me if she could move in with me for a while since there was some work to be done for her apartment but I know it's probably because she wants to make sure I don't do something drastic.

I hate being this emotional and feeling like I'm a burden to others. Imagine being the livewire of the group, the one always having fun and making jokes and now you can't seem to even crack a smile. That's how I feel.  Everything reminds me of him. I just want to be better and I'm trying and I hope with Talia here to talk and get advice from I'll be better.

I promise to be better

See you tomorrow, Talia will be here so hopefully it's a much more happy day.

Love you Diary,

Y/N signing off

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April 13th 2020

4:31 a.m

Ibiza, Spain

.

Dear Diary,

I finally feel better, feel more like myself. Who knew all it would take was Talia's cooking and care and a trip away with my girls.

Today is the last day for us at the resort and we've had an amazing day. Gee and Freya got me some stuff from when they went shopping and this one top OMG it's so pretty.

I've been lighter on the drinks today after last night's debacle. But hey atleast we got some drinks on the house today because the guy I made out with turned out to be a bartender.

I felt guilty about the kiss but the girls said I was single and had nothing to worry about , but there's still that small voice in me that says different. Anyways I just maintained some distance with him and just awkwardly smiled when he tried hitting on me again. I'm really out of touch with the flirting game :(

Anyways we're going back home tomorrow morning and I'm glad Talia talked me into coming on this trip , I needed this.

See you tomorrow Diary,

Y/N signing off

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April 21st 2020

12:48 a.m

London , England

Dear Diary,

You won't believe this but I GOT THE PARIS JOB. OMG I'M SO HAPPY I CAN'T CONTROL MYSELF.

This has been such a dream and I'm glad they asked again after I rejected them last time. I probably should have gone the previous time itself seeing how mine and JJ's relationship turned out. I put my dreams on hold for him but he couldn't.... Anyways forget about him.

I leave for Paris in a month and have to work there for about a year and then I can return here and continue to design. Talia and the girls were overjoyed with the news but then we all started crying thinking about how we would be apart.

The girls want to organise a party before I go so I can properly say goodbye to everyone and I agreed. Nothing bad can happen at a party right.

But I'm so excited.....PARIS BABYYYYYYY.

See you tomorrow Diary,

Y/N signing off

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May 7th 2020

04:23 a.m

London , England

Dear Diary ,

I had so much fun at the farewell party that the girls organised. They invited basically every single friend I had in London and miraculously everyone showed up to bid goodbye.

I caught up with so many people and even enjoyed a free Talia Mar concert in which she performed all my favourite songs of hers , that girl is so talented I hope she gets her big break soon. Simon and Tobi stood with me the entire night asking me if I needed anything , both of them are like the brothers I never had , hell the Sidemen are the family I never had and I'm so glad these guys are part of my life. I owed a lot to them and I'm glad we stayed friends even after my breakup with JJ...

Talking of JJ, I saw him tonight for the first time since the breakup. He seemed to be taking it well , and since this is my little secret vault I can tell you that he looked good too. But I didn't have that urge to run into his arms and cling onto him forever, I think I'm finally over him and seeing him tonight assured me that there was almost no feelings at all towards him. It felt freeing almost.

After the party  , me and Talia came back home and ate leftovers before she went to sleep tired as all hell and so am I so I'm going to get some rest too and start packing from tomorrow.

See you soon Diary,

Y/N signing off

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May 28th 2020

9:36 p m

Paris , France.

Dear Diary,

I finally made it to PARIS and OMG I'm so excited I couldn't even start explaining to you of how I'm feeling.

I bid goodbye to all my friends at the airport and took the flight here and just reached the apartment the company got me a couple of hours ago. Again I'm only telling you this cause you are my secret vault, JJ wasn't at the airport to say goodbye and a part of me was hoping he would turn up like Ross in F.R.I.E.N.D.S and like we would have a fairytale moment but he didn't turn up and I boarded my flight.

I mentally kicked myself for having expectations from JJ again cause I know he'll always let me down. I NEED to get over him and the best thing is maybe to get someone new to love and cherish...... I've been here for a day and let me tell you the options are limitless.

I'm staying with another girl named Sophia, she's German and a few years younger than me. She seems really fun , like a German version of Freya almost. She made me dinner and had my room ready for me when I arrived. She's such an angel.

I need to report for the job tomorrow morning so I'm going to eat dinner and get some rest.

See you tomorrow Diary,

Y/N signing off

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June 15th 2020

12:43 p.m

Paris , France

Dear Diary,

I've had such a fun day. Sophia took me out to one of her favourite bars and decided to get me some action if you know what I mean.

But she went away and got herself someone she liked which left me sitting with the man's friend. He was pretty though so I decided to give him a chance.

I had an amazing time with the friend though, his name's Charles and he said he was a driver or something. I wasn't concentrating on his job resume cause I was too busy lost in his green eyes which seemed he got directly from his native of Monaco.

The both of us talked until we were literally pulled apart by his friends, apparently he has an early day tomorrow and should be asleep. I quickly wrote him my number on a piece of paper and passed it to him though before he was escorted out of the bar.

I'm just waiting for him to message me now but that's unlikely given he's probably already asleep or who knows he might have even lost my number. I hope he messages me though I kinda liked him.

OMG he just messaged me and asked me out this weekend.... Looks like I have plans to make and outfits to choose.

See you tomorrow though Diary,

Y/N signing off

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June 19th 2020

3:54 a.m

Paris , France

Dear Diary,

You will not believe this. Wait let me explain it to you from the start.

Me and Charles went out for dinner at one of Paris' finest restaurants and I was having an amazing time and really having fun until we were interrupted by a bunch of teenage girls asking Charles for a photo and autograph.

Turns out he isn't some random driver, HE'S A FUCKING F1 SUPERSTAR.

He took the pictures and we quickly got out of there as our pictures were all over Twitter and people were trying to find out who I was. I'm sure they'll have figured out by the morning and that scares me... I've just got done dealing with JJ's fans and now I have another huge fandom on my ass.

I loved the date though, Charles was a gentleman and dropped me back at my place and asked me out for another date but somewhere more private and I agreed.

He's also like 4 years younger than me which made me feel old despite only being 26 , but he said that was no problem and he usually did date girls older than him.

It was also JJ's birthday today.... He's 27 and all of my friends had posted about it on their stories and on Twitter. The entire morning I debated on sending him a message but eventually decided against it , not wanting to open wounds again.

I hope he's well though....He looks well.

Anyways see you tomorrow Diary,

Y/N signing off

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July 20th 2020

10:36 p.m

Paris, France

Dear Diary,

Today was Charles last day here before he had to go back to his racing calendar. He promised to stay in touch and promised to get me to come to one of his races.

I am a little scared watching him go, long distance is never a good idea especially so early in a relationship. I didn't even know if we were in a relationship. We went on loads of dates , enjoyed ourselves and everything. His fans think we are dating, our friends think we are dating, but we still hadn't put a label on things and I was kinda glad we hadn't.

I can only hope this works out cause I've really taken a liking to Charles, something I thought I could never do again.

I'm going to drop him off at the airport tomorrow and then go to work and hopefully get that promotion I was promised. I was also free for a few days next week so I was also planning to go back home with Sophia and meet my friends again.

We'll see what happens though, for now I need to go join Sophia and help her with some work.

See you tomorrow Diary,

Y/N signing off .

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August 14th 2020

6:23 a.m

London, England

Dear Diary,

The comeback party was amazing. I introduced Sophia to all the Sidemen and the Sidegirls. She's taken a special interest in Tobi and I'm hoping they get together cause they would be an amazing couple.

I caught up with everyone including JJ. He had a new girlfriend, her name iwas Olivia. Nice girl from what I could see and everyone seemed to like her. Good for him I guess.

All the boys were also very interested in my love life seeing I was dating THE Charles Leclerc. Yeah dating , Charles asked me out a few days ago and made things official and I was happy.

Me and the group talked all night long, dancing along to some tunes as we drank the night away. I missed this and I'm glad I could have a taste of old times again.

Sober Tobi drove Talia, Sophia and me back to my old apartment and I even caught Tobi slyly passing his number to Sophia.

As soon as we got in Talia started asking me if I was okay with JJ's new relationship , cause apparently I was staring.... I didn't feel like I was staring.

Okay I was a little but not at them but at JJ , he hadn't taken down the picture of us together from the common room and I was a little confused by it. Was he holding on to the memories or does he consider it so unimportant that he just let it be.

Maybe I was thinking too much into it , it's just a damn picture.

I've moved on and so as he , I don't want to start all that again.

Anyways I'm tired as hell but I promised to write something today.

See you soon Diary,

Y/N signing off.

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September 6th 2020

11:34 p.m

Monza, Italy.

Dear Diary,

I finally came out to Italy to see one of Charles' races . Apparently it's the home race for his team Ferrari and OMG everywhere I saw only red which was the team colors.

The race didn't go well for Charles, he crashed out and didn't even finish the race and was extremely pissed off , but his best friend Pierre winning did cheer him up a little.

Today was the first time I saw how much people actually adored Charles, most of them had his mask on and I saw flags celebrating him everywhere and he couldn't walk a couple of steps before being stopped for pictures and autographs.

We had to get a hotel away from the centre of town cause we didn't want to be stampeded as soon as we left our rooms. The view from the balcony is amazing though and I took loads of pictures which again sent social media in a frenzy as all the Charles fangirls either wanted to be me or get rid of me.

Me and Charles went out for dinner and finally got to talk about how distance was affecting our relationship. It was extremely hard to find time with both our busy schedules, but we promised to try as hard as we could to manage things.

Vik was also at the race today along with Ellie who caught me up on all the gossip in the friend group. Apparently Sophia had really interested Tobi and JJ was newly single again, something about not finding love or something. Sucks to be him I guess.

Anyways I'm heading back to Paris tomorrow and Charles is going to Singapore. Back to the normal routine I guess.

See you back in Paris Diary,

Y/N signing off.

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September 7th 2020

4:51 a.m

Paris , France

Dear Diary,

I went to see JJ perform today, yeah shock but I was basically hoodwinked into it by Sophia and Talia who told me it was someone else performing.

I was glad I went cause I saw the girls and boys again and truth be told even enjoyed the performance.....he always loved performing live and it showed.

He even came over after the performance and personally thanked me for coming and I was quite taken aback. It was something I never expected him to do , he's too stubborn to do that but he did and I was kinda happy about it.

We all then went out for dinner and I was sat at the end just checking my phone to see if Charles responded to my texts. Things were really dry between us with all the time zone differences and I knew the road down which this relationship was heading, I am just trying to delay the inevitable.

Everyone kept asking me about Charles and I just kept saying everything was good when it is not.

All of us are going to Disneyland tomorrow for a day and I can't wait for it. I've always loved Disneyland and it was one of mine and JJ's favourite vacation spots.

So I'm going to get some sleep, see you later diary,

Y/N signing off

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December 16th 2020

11:34 p.m

Paris, France

Dear Diary,

Well I'm single again..... Yeah but this time it's mutual. Things were just not working out and we decided it was better to stay friends. Charles and I were still young and had our entire lives in front of us and didn't want to hold on to something that was clearly not build for the long term. I enjoyed this relationship but alas all things come to an end.

Everyone keeps asking me if I'm okay and I say I am cause I truly am. I'm nowhere near as sad as I was last time. Last time was hell , last time was like losing the best thing in my life.

Enough of the sob story, I'm going back to London for Christmas and New Year, I was invited by JJ.... Yeah JJ. We've been talking and texting like a couple of friends since his Paris show and it's been nice.

I'm almost complete with my work for this year so I might even go to London a little earlier depending on whether my boss let's me go, but she's a sweetheart so she probably will.

The next time I write to you will probably be in London.

So see you then Diary,

Y/N signing off

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January 1st 2021

4:34 a.m

London, England

Dear Diary,

You will not believe this..... I kissed JJ. Well more like we kissed each other but we kissed as the clock struck 12 which means we didn't break the tradition.

It was nice.... I don't know how to explain it but it was nice. We've been talking a lot more and Talia thinks we're on our way to getting back together but I think it's more that we're just good friends now..

But good friends don't kiss each other on the balcony under the starry night do they... Fuck I'm going to be thinking about this a whole lot.

Do I want these doubts in my mind or do I just go on with my life as usual cause it doesn't matter.

Moving on.... I can literally hear Sophia and Tobi making out in the room next to me , very horny people I must add .

Anyways I must go sleep now. I'll see you soon Diary.

Y/N signing off.

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May 28th 2021

9:45 p.m

Paris , France

Dear Diary,

I'm done with all my packing and getting ready to go back to London. The office held a little sending away party for me and Sophia. Yeah I somehow convinced my boss to send Sophia with me to London too and she politely accepted.

I need to leave for my flight in a couple of minutes but I decided to write to you before leaving.

I laugh looking back at my year here. So much has happened. I had so much fun at my dream job , had a fling with a famous F1 driver , made a new friend for life and made up with my ex. So much good things have happened.

So thank you for all this Paris.

Tu as été très bon avec moi

Anyways see you in London Diary,

Y/N signing off.

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June 19th 2021

11:57 p m

London, England

Dear Diary,

It's JJ's birthday again and we all celebrated it together out at dinner and afterwards at his place. We all had a fun time, he's 28 now and that's CRAZY. Cause that's the age that we wanted to get married at , you know slow things down and start a family age.

He pulled me away from everyone for a chat too and asked me out for a date . I said I would think about it. I want to go , trust me I WANT TO GO but I don't know if going down that road again is for the best. All the girls think it's for the best and so do all the boys but I still have my doubts.

You know what I'll give it a try. Nothing can go wrong after a date can it.

I'll message him and tell him yes , we'll go on a date. If it's good okay and if it's not then that's okay too.

I'm hoping it goes well though eventhough to others it seems like I don't want it to go well.

I hope JJ suprises me and things work out.

See you soon Diary,

Y/N signing off.

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September 7th 2023

10:43 p.m

London, England

Dear Diary,

We finally got married. I'm finally Y/N Olatunji.

Everything went perfectly. Like not 1 problem came up , it seemed like a fairytale.

I cried a lot during the day. Cried while putting on the dress, cried while walking down the aisle with Simon , cried while JJ read out his vows. It was amazing all throughout the ceremony.

These past 3 and a half years have been such a rollercoaster. Us breaking up , me moving to Paris, both of us getting in new relationships, then getting back together, all the trips away , all the new memories made.

It's been amazing and there's no one in the world that I would want by my side than my husband JJ..... Damn my husband like he's MY HUSBAND. I've been dreaming about this for almost 7-8 years now but it still feels surreal.

Like I'm sat here in my room and looking at him and I can't believe he's mine to hold forever. I love him so much and I'm so thankful for going out on that date in 2021.

I'm thankful for everything.

I'm going now and looking at the look in JJ's eyes , I can feel I'm in for the night of my life.

See you tomorrow Diary,

Y/N Olatunji signing off.

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December 25th 2028

10:45 p.m

London, England

Dear Diary,

We've just had the best Christmas ever. Me , JJ and Skye spend the whole day together, just the 3 of us celebrating together.

JJ wanted to make this Christmas special since we felt that this would be the first Christmas Skye would properly remember, she was just 4 but God she was smart.

We started the day by opening presets and just like always JJ had gone all out. He had brought all kinds of toys for Skye and some jewellery for me.

I brought him a matching bracelet that we could wear together all the time and he loved it.

We all then prepared the Christmas meal , well I did and JJ and Skye helped as much as they could. We ate then all cuddled together on the sofa and watched all our favorite Christmas films.

It was perfect... Just like my life was perfect and I couldn't be more thankful for JJ and Skye for making my life perfect. They were the perfect husband and daughter any one could ever ask for and I am blessed to have them in my life.

We also took loads of pictures to go into the memories album and loved every minute of the day.

Skye is now asleep, she was tired from playing around all day with her dad. I said JJ would be back in a minute after writing this entry.

He thinks it's cute that I still write in here but little does he know how much you've helped me over the years.

Thank you Diary and I hope I see you again soon,

Y/N Olatunji signing off

A/N

Hope you enjoyed this .

Idk how it came out but the idea seemed good in my head.

A new smut coming soon.

Send in requests if you have any

Love you all

Elora signing off ✌🏻

[writingseaslugs]

I'm alive...kinda?

So it's been a while huh? Since the end of March actually, since I last posted anything. Which sucks because it was literally right after I was super excited to do a collab with a friend, as well as my plans for getting content out! So what happened you may ask (and I'm referring to the lovely people who are in my inbox asking and being concerned, I'm so sorry for worrying ya). Well, let me tell you!

Health.

Sucks.

So here's a quick TW because I'm going to go into detail about everything that's happened since the last time I was here under the cut. This includes both issues with eating (involuntary), as well as surgical stuff. There will also be a TL;DR at the end of this post.

So as I've mentioned previously (I think) I have chronic nausea. I'm almost always feeling sick after I eat therefore I don't really...eat much. Especially not when I'm working because I can't afford to be sick and have to go home (my job requires me to be on my feet, interacting with clients all day and I woke 9-hour shifts). So because I'm unable to get enough nutrients (normally I won't even eat until I get home from work, and if I do it's protein drinks and pudding during my work day), I'm pretty...weak most of the time.

Let me tell you, eating is so important to function like a human. If you don't you are tired, your muscles hurt, and there are so many other horrible things that go into it that I won't go into detail about.

My biggest problem with not being able to eat enough is fatigue. I am always tired and in a brain fog that writing is impossible. If I can even get the energy to open up my laptop and bring it to my bed, it's typically dashed the moment I open a Word document and can barely type.

I had maybe a solid good week or two a month back right after I went on vacation to see a friend (probably because I was able to eat regularly-ish due to not having to worry about being sick at work) however, like always, it was quickly squashed with reality and I went back to brain fog central, but I feel like it was worse this time.

I only had the energy to talk with three of my closest friends, and occasionally I'd have the brain capacity and energy to play games with one of them, but that's about it. I can't tell you how many times I had to cancel my weekly call with one of my friends from being too tired or putting off playing a game with my other because I just didn't have the energy to cross my room and pick up my controller. It was bad.

Most of my days off have been in bed, sleeping, and trying to eat. So it hasn't been great.

However, two weeks ago something happened. I had stomach pain. Which granted, I have had before. Not the normal nausea but physical pain that if you pressed on my stomach it hurt. I was even walking with a limb by the end of the day. It doesn't happen often but I'm stubborn and don't like going to the hospitals so I had always chalked it up to a "self-correcting problem". For years. Whenever this happened it would go away within a few hours (nine hours max).

So when I woke up the NEXT day and it was still hurting, something was a bit wrong. I called out of work because there was no way I would've been able to stand and made a small deal with myself that if it wasn't gone by the next morning I would...go to the doctor. I know, crazy that I was gonna wait to be in pain for nearly three days but I hate hospitals and I didn't have health insurance with my new job.

Well, this wasn't good enough for my mom and she convinced me to go. The only way she did that was she seemed concerned. Now I'm dramatic. Very, very dramatic. And also a bit of a hypochondriac so I always feel like when I'm sick or in pain I'm simply being dramatic and that it's not actually serious even though my anxiety is telling me I might literally be dying (the number of times I have almost passed out by standing up and brushed it off, or laid in bed and suddenly my heart rate was going off like I sprinted a mile and decided I was probably fine is impeccable).

So I go to the emergency room and they ran some tests and what would you know! It's my appendix. And it wanted to break up with me...how admirable. And apparently, it was way worse than doctors initially thought because I happen to have an abnormally high pain tolerance so when asked on a scale of 1 - 10 what my pain was I said a 3. Apparently, with how bad off it was, I should've been at a 10+ but oh well.

The surgery that they predicted would be no longer than half an hour ended up being an entire hour, and I got four incisions when they said I'd only have three.

So I've been recovering for the past two weeks and should hopefully be back at work on Thursday. Decided to make this post because for once I've been able to eat decent meals for a few days in a row since I haven't been at work, and my brain is actually working for a while. I'm hoping maybe it'll continue so I can start writing again (Writing Twisted Wonderland content is a huge comfort of mine) but who knows.

Maybe my chronic nausea will be solved and I'll be nice and healthy and be able to eat regularly. I can dream. However since I have had a lot of people in my inbox asking me where I've been and if I'm doing already, and how I've essentially ghosted several friends in the fandom since I just don't have the energy to message many people, I figured I should give you the explanation as to what happened.

I'm going to try to get a little bit of writing done today, maybe bust out a few requests. I'm a bit stressed out since one of my good friends is currently on their way to the hospital because she's also a sick bean like me, but also I know damn well she'd enjoy seeing some Twisted Writing so imma do it.

Thank you for listening to my ramblings! I love you all!

TL;DR - I got really sick and couldn't write and then my appendix said bye.

[tacetnix]

The New Year (OOC)

>// What was 2023? In retrospect, in hindsight, it's a year of frustrations. It's a year of being kicked to the curb and being hung out to dry, and at the same time it's a year that's been... reconfirming?

I started the year learning that my IT team was being deleted. That we had two weeks before we were going to be moving to the BioMed project. Up until May, I was doing thankless, menial work scraping medical-grade stickers with a razor, and applying new, shittier labels instead. They wanted us to do more and more, and somehow nothing we did was good enough.

Come my birthday, we were put on extended leave, given one or two days' worth of work with weeks of nothing in-between... and come the end of May, we're told that we were retroactively let go.

I can't express how much I have to thank the friends who helped me get through those few months of rough waters as I tried to scramble and find something new for work.

It just sucks that the only job that took me was working at an industrial paint facility, right next to unrepentant felons who got fired left, right and center for HR violations, sex-on-the-job, and threatened violence against their coworkers. Working in 100°F (~37.78°C) internal temperatures next to a 400°F furnace? Not great. Their attendance policy was draconian, and if I missed four days (even with doctor's notes), I'd be terminated on the spot. I was there for over a month, and thankfully I managed to get some interview for other IT work in the meantime. I was able to leave on good terms with the company, and started work again in another hospital.

Which has been a delight (to be back in the field) with its stresses (being verbally abused by a boss and pushed by higher ups to achieve impossible metrics). Overall, super happy to be back!! It's not perfect, but it's helped me realize I do actually want to stay in this field.

Sometime along the year though, I fell out of love with the main hyperfixation I'd been carrying since 2019: Lancer RPG. I came to realize that the community, the developers, the people they trust to champion it... will never live up to the promises that the game set out for. That at its core, it's a fundamentally flawed game that no amount of hacking or patching will fix. And for a huge amount of the year... that left me in a rut.

And that.. brings me to now.

This is a massive laundry list of shit that's gone wrong this year. But I'm happy. My wife is doing better than she ever has, I was prescribed adderall and it's helped me get things done reliably. It's the first year that I've spent since college that visiting my parents went well, and no (real) fights or personal slights happened... and we actually spent Christmas with them for the first time since... 2018, I think?

I'm devving my own game now, I've learned a ton more programming, and I'm self-teaching myself some app development! All the while I've been hungrily consuming new interests, and feel pretty positive about how everything can go from here!

The pros... don't outweigh the cons, but I'm choosing to look for the future with a smile on my face. I have my ideas of where I'd like to be, and for anything awry with my work... my work-life balance is better than it was when I drove a school bus.

I'm hoping that I'll be able to write more with you all in the coming months... and I also hope that come March, I'll still have a job that I'm working, so I'm not going nuts with stress again!

Sorry to just splurge all over the dash; if you've read this far, I hope you're doing well! Let me know what piece of wisdom you picked up in 2023! Mine is: "Be adamant that you aren't going to do overtime. Never give them an inch, because they'll drag you for a mile."

[selanaris]

OC Info Dump, Orothyyk (oh-RO-th-eek)

This is about Orothyyk my Togruta since I've been world building him in the Fox discord. Feel free to ask about any of my OC or Original species I have.

He is in TCW era, young spunky pilot, basically fresh in his 20s, about 19, he's been flying solo since he was 15 when he stowed on a passing tradeship from Kiros.

yes, his family on Kiros thinks he went missing, he told no one and he had a no thoughts head empty moment of wanting adventure

He was not smart

few years later, he's 18 when the war starts, 19 when he decides to do more with his life than adventure for self pleasure, he signs up to help republic worlds and taking republic jobs, eventually becoming a well known pilot for hire by the republic until the republic offers him a permanent position in their army as a star fighter pilot, mostly due to the fact on one of his missions he ended up working with Skywalker, and keeping up with him easily in the sky, Anakin was impressed and put the recommendation in. soon enough, Oro was in Coruscant, reading paper work, getting fitted out for custom gear, and awaiting battalion assignment

I've thought about him with the guard, he interacted with them in passing jobs in the past, he was hired to fly senators places fast, and he interacted with them while he was waiting for gear and assignment

but he could not stay as he would get to antsy, and will end up biting someone or insulting everything the person holds dear

Oro is not the person to stand around. Oro likes to lay back or sit on the rails, mostly swinging around on the rails to watch everyone from above. he's not scrawny, but more lean for an agile and quick form, less about lifting heavy, and more about being fast, especially to get in his ship as soon as possible. Oro is bad at flying anything larger than a star fighter

eventually he is assigned to the 501st, he has the energy for it. Anakin and Oro are always talking about ship mods. Absolute brothers. Oro is the kinda guy to hang with the clones at 79s. Bonds with the troopers a lot "I may be nat-born, but I'm a soldier like you guys, I hold no rank, just a ship. Even Fives is above me in rank."

Oro isn't allowed at meetings. And if he is, he isn't allowed to talk due to is disrespect for authority. So that whole "Fives outranks me" thing. Fives is like, "wow, this is absolutely worthless"

He loves his ship, and originally never let the clones paint it. until Fives and Echo painted it as a prank. And Oro did nothing, didn't even wash it off. Then was caught repainting it when it got scratched. So all the clones started to paint it, one mark for every clone he's saved

Surprisingly, you don't see him and Ahsoka hang out alot on their own time. They are friends and chill when mutual friends are around, but often the age gap keeps them from bonding closer. They are like siblings, but estray…. trying to explain it… They help, give, protect, listen, and they are close, But on down time, Oro prefers to do more adult things like bars and shopping for ship parts. With Someone as energetic as him, he actually doesn't do a lot of pranking.

During the wrong Jedi arc, Oro was detained for biting the guards and Anakin had to pick him up after everything ended.

it is a Very VERY awkward. Especially with Anakin distrusting Obi-wan, losing Ahsoka, distrusting the jedi, then only having Oro left.

Anakin like

"oro, you are the only one left."

"I'm just a pilot sir…"

"do you want to be a commander"

"Anakin… I can't even read… that well"

But Anakin does it anyway, Anakin lowkey mentally replacing Ahsoka hoping to fill the hole. and Oro has no idea how to be a commander. having the biggest rank jump from pilot to commander. Starts taking a lot more nights flying or at 79s to avoid everything, basically stopped modding out his ship with Anakin

Oro was around in the back when order 66 happened, Anakin put him on leave right before shit went down with Palpatine

He was chilling at 79s when he saw all the clones go still, all of them marching out of the bar. Oro was confused, walking out of the bar he noticed some go to their barracks or ships, then all the 501st were headed for the temple. Oro knows something is wrong and rushes to his ship to fly over, his first thought was the separatists attacking the temple… until he reaches it… and it isn't separatists.

Oro knows his ship is recognizable, he doesn't know that Anakin recognizes it, doesn't know Anakin is there. Oro spent his time trying to get jedi out. But he could only save two or three at a time, he could only do so much

Oro has a bounty on his head from the empire, but it explicitly says alive Vader wants to talk. Wants to hear from Oro, did Oro betray him. Vader has no real proof that Oro betrayed him, only that he last saw Oro doing flights around the temple during order 66 then never saw him again. he needs to know... just as he went looking for Ahsoka, he went looking for Oro. He has no idea Vader is Anakin.

He's Terrified that the Empire is after him. The empire knows his face, and worst of all, the empire knows his ship. All the markings and paint of the clones he once saved… is still saving. He had to get rid of the ship. And it hurt… No one would buy it, the empire had it too well posted… so He had to sell it… in pieces… Watching the paint burn as he watched scrappers melt it down. He got himself a new star fighter, and just continued risking his life for force sensitive families and eventually even freeing clones when he learns about the chips. He saved a piece of his old ship, the wing where the 501st painting a mudhorn with all the signatures from his flight squad all over it.

He's a sentimental fool. doing jobs… getting info from the rebellion, from Lando, Hondo… recovering Clones and force sensitives. His luck runs out eventually.

he learns of the empire rounding up all the clones with chips that are breaking or malfunctioning. There is a cargo ship to load up the clones, but most of them need their chips removed as they are going off and on. the distraction is gone, Oro isn't done yet, many clones are recovering and a few still need their chips removed. So Oro goes to make a distraction, keep the path clear for the clones to reach the cargo. The clones are free, but he is caught.

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

I feel like I need to drop all commitments, move across the country and try again.

Two years ago, in the hell that was 2020, I was supposed to go to college. I was supposed to go to my dream college for a major I was passionate about. It was only an hour from a friend I really really loved, who lived ten hours from me before that. I was about to be so close to her, to live my dream, to open the doors to my best life.

I took a weekend and did a college tour there in 2019. I stayed with that friend who was only an hour from the dream college. The second I stepped on campus, everything felt right. I felt like I belonged there. The library, the dorms, the grounds, it felt like home. I talked to the band and choir teacher about joining, she invited me to their production of Godspell in the spring that was going to include ASL interpreting students (my major). I saw my future and for once, it felt right.

Then in March 2020, I got an email. The college went bankrupt and was closing. Just months before I was supposed to be there.

And just like that, my plans, my life went out the window. I hadn't applied to any other colleges and now it was past most deadlines. I didn't want to go to a different college. I wanted that life back.

So, directionless, in June 2020 I moved two states away from my hometown, to live near my best friend. I didn't have a job, a car, an apartment, nothing. Just three boxes and some hope.

I met a potential roommate and toured the apartment the first day in the new state, and that day decided to move in. I ended up buying a sketchy minivan from my friend, and moved into my new apartment. Got a job and a couple of fish. But I didn't feel at home, it didn't feel right. It felt like I was living in someone else's apartment that I wasn't wanted in. Still, I was there for a year and a half.

Finally I got sick of it, I got impulsive, I moved states again. I applied for an apartment, got approved, put down a deposit, and six days later I packed my life into a UHaul and restarted. I got a different job, a different car because the first one only lasted about nine months, and now I was further from my best friend. But I was living alone and could make my own life.

I've lived here for eight months. I bought a dresser, I found a coffee shop that I like, the area is beautiful. Of all of the places I could've impulsively moved, this was a decent one. But I've had trouble settling in. I don't feel like I'm in the right place. I feel like this is just a placeholder, and I hate that.

I want to appreciate the life that I have right now. I live in a nice area, my best friend is only forty minutes from me, when three years ago he lived five hours away. I just got a promotion at my job. I count my blessings and I know I have so many, but I still feel like I'm in the wrong story.

And I know that that story passed me by. I'll never go to that college. The friend I was going to live near, we haven't talked since January 2020. I will never live the dream that I had and I know I need to get over it, but I feel like I'll be mourning it forever. And I always feel like I'm trying to chase it. Move to a new state, a new apartment, get a new job, maybe this time it'll feel right.

It doesn't feel right. I go to the coffee shop, I'm surrounded by people, I feel alone. I go to work, I'm surrounded by coworkers I've known for months, I feel like I don't know any of them. I go home, I'm surrounded by my belongings, it feels like this is just the storage unit where I keep myself.

I don't know what to do except run and hope that this time it'll feel right.

[1surfrocker]

10/03/2023

So far I think I'm doing a pretty bad job of posting regular entires. The whole point of starting this was to keep a diary of sorts of my day-to-day so that I can refer back to my life experiences more vividly. I shouldn't look at this as a chore, and shouldn't approach it with an overly serious mindset. I'm not trying to write a novel here, or impress anyone with my use of words. Given the fact that I used to be an aspiring writer/journalist, it's very hard to break from that mentality and not write these entires in an overly wrought style.

I think that was in fact my writing style back when: Overly wrought. Too much style, not enough substance. I don't miss it at all.

Here's what I've been up to:

I took my mom out for her birthday the Saturday before last. We were going to go to the New Filmmakers movie festival in DTLA, but as I ended up being 45 minutes late stuck in a traffic jam on the 710 freeway, we instead went to go see The Equalizer pt3 starring Denzel Washington. 2 hours of watching Denzel kill the bloody shit out of bad guys as easy as you and I breathe air. I have to admit it was pretty fun. Afterwards we ate dinner at Hippo in Highland Park, which might just be my favorite restaurant in that part of town at this point. I've eaten there 3 times and it's always memorable. Some of the best fish I've ever eaten, and their bread is top notch.

The following day Amy and I measured, cut, and installed baseboard in the upstairs attic. Oh my god it only took us 1.5 years to get to this! The first hour of cutting was a real slog because we kept doing it wrong. Also, lesson learned: Next time get a double bevel mitre saw. Trying to adjust angles on a single bevel forces you to flip the wood upside down and right side over again in order to get the cut you need. It's like trying to read upside down. Not terribly tricky, but you need to get the hang of it. I only had to drive back to home depot once to buy more wood. The attic's looking great now and Amy's spending more time up there already getting things in order. It's her pet project and I want her to love doing it, which so far it seems like she is.

The entire work week last week is a blur. First time I've hit $33k GP since March (the writer's strike really put a dent in business this year) and I had to work harder than shit to do it, but it felt good to hit it.

The weekend came around and I took my mind off work entirely. Matt was supposed to come back over to pick up where we'd left off on our groovy goth-wave song, but he flaked (I think he was too hungover to make music, LOL!). So instead I was left to my own devices and started production for Passion, thus kicking off the start of my new In Fades album. I envision it being more electronic and more dancey than anything I've done in the past. But not without my patently flamboyant, overly romanticized style. Think Caribou meets Nick Cave.

Monday came around and I was still so damned tired from hitting my goal the previous week. Luckily it wasn't too busy. I continue to bring Barklie up to speed on all the ins and outs, and now finding more time for myself to prospect new clients. The idea of cold calling once again leaves an icy tinge somewhere inside of me, but it's nice to be able to have the freedom to do so once again.

I bought a gym membership for Amy last night so that we can go to LBR together any time we want to. We've been doing Acro Yoga classes together lately and it's been very enjoyable, and challenging, and a nice workout to boot!

This is about as properly caught up as I can make this post without going into tangents, so I'll wrap it up and move onto the rest of my evening. I plan to practice viola and if I'm feeling limber enough track it for Passion. That viola part will make that song come alive, I can feel it in my soul.

I might do some reading as well, but I have to admit I'm getting a little bored of this Richard III book. It's so very long.

Cheers

[noble-6]

Wassup yall!

Luckily i remembered about the existence of this app. lol. Another life update entry i guess? Here we go ->

Life hasn't been that great. I mean yeah aside form studying, I've been having fun! Socialising, playing football, a bit of rugby. To be honest, this entry won't be a fun life update. Basically I'm here to rant. Can't do it on twitter cause all my friends are there. No one wants to hear my problem. You can say this place is a safe space for me (even if you read this you might be a stranger to me lol but feel free to read !).

Academic wise, I think i'm fumbling my degree. Yeah! I've started my degree last march. I'm in my first year first semester. At first I was excited ! Learning new things, coding, doing homeworks. No for real i did all the homeworks they gave me, for the first 3 weeks. But then it all sort of fell off like domino pieces because of Raya celebration. Don't get me wrong I love Raya, it's just that the holidays distrupted the college timetable A LOT. I mean replacement classess were all during the night or the weekends. Quizzes were held every week, assignments, crappy lecturers.

Tonight I just had my mid term test 2 for this one subject. It was at 8pm. While i was on my bed that evening(i slept after studying) my lecturer of said subject just released the score for quiz 4 of the subject. I actually tried my best for that quiz. I studied, rewatch the lecture recording, made notes. I had high hopes that i wouldn't get a score below 5(full marks was 10). You know what i did get? 1. 1 out of 10. After seeing the result, I honestly didn't know what to do. "Should i go and take the test that night? It's pretty much worthless if you think aboht it". I could say the feeling was worst than a heartbreak( i wouldn't know i've never experience it before). And then i started to think about this other subject at which my carry mark was also pretty low. Not only this subject has assignments to submit, it also has a final exam. So that's twice the headache i need to face for 1 subject.

I'm 24 this year and since this is my first year degree, I should be graduating when I turned 26. A lot of my friends has started working this year and here I am just starting my degree. Talk about being late. Now i have a mid-20ish-lif crisis(?). I'm starting to think I'm not smart. I mean all my life I thought I was average. Like yeah straight after highschool i played alot. But I've always thought if i really did focus on my studies, I'd be average. Now I'm not so sure. I think I'm 90% conviced that I'm below average. You know how theres smart students who scored straight A's, then there's above average students who scores 3.5 and above, and then the average students who scores 3.2 and above. I used to think I was average. Right now i think i'm just stupid. I studied, however i still didn't score. Like what does that tell you? You're not smart enough for this course.

So let's talk about my backup plan. As of right now, plan A is to finish this degree and get a job in the it industry. Plan B is work part time whilst studying this degree( to avoid me doing nothing at all). Plan C is to enroll in those google coirse where they give you a certificate upon completion(data analyst, web developer etc).

Plan C looks to me the more realistic approach given the situation I'm in. The only downside is I won't have a degree to my name. And that's bad for my future. It means it will be hard for me to climb the corporate ladder. I may be stuck in the same job position until i retire.

But let's be honest here, the only logical thing to do here is to finish the degree. Everyone else agree with this. Even you! Stranger who i don't know, reading my post somehow. I should just push through this upcoming 3 maybe 4 years of university life. It'll be over before i know it. I know i can do it. I just have to believe in myself again. Find that spark.

It all comes down to the basics of life you know? How my relationship with Allah is, with my family, friends. I need to do a lot of self reflect to become a better version me. Maybe not the best version, but just better than yesterday at least.

Wow! That's a lot of rant. Hahahaha. Yeah i just need to vent out you know. Maybe the next time I do my life udpate I'll be writing some good news! Maybe.... we'll see.

See ya!

[books-i-finished-reading]

(24)

City of Glass - Cassandra Clare

( The mortal instruments - book 3/6 )

11th March 2023

"... I saw it, and I thought of you."

"... handling it with grace. ..."

"Normal isn't all it's cracked up to be."

The first time Simon had ever seen Isabelle, he'd found her so striking, so alight with life and vitality and energy, he'd thought he'd finally found a girl who burned bright enough to blot out the image of Clary... It was right around the time she'd gotten him turned into a rat at Magnus Bane's loft party that he'd realized maybe Isabelle burned a little too bright for an ordinary guy like him.

"There's something very wrong with you," he said. "Mentally, I mean."

"Some laws were meant to be broken."

... tired of having no idea what anyone was talking about.

Occasionally he would point out items of interest in a somber voice, like the world's most depressed tour guide.

"How are you feeling?" Clay's neck was aching, her whole body on fire, her mouth dry. "I'm fine," she said.

"She's the only girl in the family too, so she has to keep proving how tough she is. ..." Simon said, almost absently. "You know, since your parents don't know you're gay and all." Alec stopped in the middle of the road... "No," he said, "but apparently everyone else does."

"People believe what they want to believe,"

He shrugged. "I have a fetish for damsels in distress." "Don't be sexist." "Not at all. My services are also available to gentlemen in distress. It's an equal opportunity fetish," he said, ...

"... What are you punishing yourself for? You can't help how you feel."

"... Love makes us liars,"

"I'm glad you want to get to know me. But I just don't have the energy to get to know you. Sorry."

Her euphoria was short-lived.

I'm alone. I've never been so alone, and it's all my own fault.

... what was the point in crying when there was no one there to comfort you? And what was worse, when you couldn't even comfort yourself?

Jace's gaze remained steady. "And quit baring your fangs at me. It's making me nervous." "Good," Simon said. "If you want to know why, it's because you smell like blood." "It's my cologne. Eau de Recent Injury." Jace raised his left hand. It was a glove of white bandages, stained across the knuckles where blood had seeped through.

... she'd hoped for Jace and gotten Sebastian instead.

... made me feel about two inches tall.

"I'd better not regret this."

Somewhere between here and there...

... the death of all joy.

"Alec?" Magnus was staring at him. ... "Did you just-did you just save my life?" Alec knew he ought to say something like, Of course, because I'm a Shadowhunter and that's what we do, or That's my job. Jace would have said something like that. ... But the words that actually came out of Alec's mouth were quite different... "You never called me back," he said. "I called you so many times and you never called me back." Magnus looked at Alec as if he'd lost his mind. "Your city is under attack," he said. "The wards have broken, and the streets are full of demons. And you want to know why I haven't called you?" Alec set his jaw in a stubborn line. "I want to know why you haven't called me back." Magnus threw his hands up in the air in a gesture of utter exasperation. ... "You're an idiot." "Is that why you didn't call me? Because I'm an idiot?" "No." Magnus strode toward him. ... "... I'm tired of watching you be in love with someone else-someone, incidentally, who will never love you back. Not the way I do." "You love me?" "You stupid Nephilim," Magnus said patiently. "Why else am I here? Why else would I have spent the past few weeks patching up all your moronic friends every time they got hurt? And getting you out of every ridiculous situation you found yourself in? Not to mention helping you win a battle against Valentine. And all completely free of charge!" ... "Magnus's cat eyes shone with anger. "I'm seven hundred years old, Alexander. I know when something isn't going to work. ..." Alec stared at him. "I thought you were three hundred! You're seven hundred years old?" "Well," Magnus amended, "eight hundred. But I don't look it. Anyway, you're missing the point. The point is-" ... at that moment a dozen more Iblis demons flooded into the square. ... "Tell you what." Alec reached for a second seraph blade. "We live through this, and I promise I'll introduce you to my whole family." Magnus raised his hands, ... "It's a deal."

Alec shook him, not lightly. "You said you were going for a walk! What kind of walk takes six hours?" "A long one?" Jace suggested. "I could kill you," Alec said, ... "I'm seriously thinking about it."

... that was what you did with family when you'd been worried about them; you grabbed them and held on to them and told them how much they'd pissed you off, and it was okay, because no matter how angry you got, they still belonged to you.

"You had to make a crazy jail friend, didn't you? You couldn't just count ceiling tiles or tame a pet mouse like normal prisoners do?"

"... I lived in fear, as much as I lived at all."

The first morning Simon had been at Amatis's house, a grinning lycanthrope had showed up on the doorstep with a live cat for him. "Blood," he'd said, in a heavily accented voice. "For you. Fresh!" Simon had thanked the werewolf, waited for him to leave, and let the cat go, his expression faintly green. "Well, you're going to have to get your blood from somewhere," Luke had said, looking amused. "I have a pet cat," Simon had replied. "There's no way."

"People aren't born good or bad. Maybe they're born with tendencies either way, but it's the way you live your life that matters. ..."

"... I felt like that-like you were some part of me I'd lost and never even knew I was missing until I saw you again..."

"I love you, and I will love you until I die, and if there's a life after that, I'll love you then."

"... The last night we go to sleep and get up just as we always have. And all I could think of was that I wanted to spend it with you."

... contained, alone, and separate.

You could say anything you wanted to someone you thought you were never going to see again.

"Knowing is better than not knowing. Every time."

"... You were experiments." He smiled at her startled look. "I'm not stupid. I can put these things together. You with your rune powers, and Jace, well . . . no one could be that annoying without some kind of supernatural assistance."

"... He loved you, and it was killing him."

"... as long as I remember what it was like to love you, I'll always feel like I'm alive."

Isabelle, following his gaze, snorted. "Alec, that's a werewolf. A girl werewolf. In fact, it's what's-her-name. May." ... She turned, as if sensing their eyes on her, and smiled. Simon smiled back. Isabelle glowered. Simon stopped smiling hastily-when exactly had his life gotten so complicated?

"Everyone does what they must to survive."

It was beautiful, and also terrifying.

"You could have had anything else in the world, and you asked for me." ... "But I don't want anything else in the world."

"You're here!" Isabelle danced up to them in delight, carrying a glass of fuschia liquid, which she thrust at Clary. "Have some of this!" Clary squinted at it. "Is it going to turn me into a rodent?" "Where is the trust? I think it's strawberry juice," Isabelle said. "Anyway, it's yummy. Jace?" She offered him the glass. "I am a man," he told her, "and men do not consume pink beverages. Get thee gone, woman, and bring me something brown." "Brown?" Isabelle made a face. "Brown is a manly color," said Jace, ... "In fact, look-Alec is wearing it." Alec looked mournfully down at his sweater. "It was black," he said. "But then it faded." "You could dress it up with a sequinned headband," Magnus suggested, ... "Just a thought." "Resist the urge, Alec." Simon was sitting on the edge of a low wall ...

"... We all tell the truth as we see it ..."

"Patience, grasshopper," said Maia. "Good things come to those who wait." "I always thought that was 'Good things come to those who do the wave,' " said Simon. "No wonder I've been so confused all my life."

Every memory was valuable; even the bad ones.

I wish I knew what you were thinking. I wish I could slip into your head and see the world the way you do. I wish I could see myself the way you do.

I belong to you. You could do anything you wanted with me and I would let you. You could ask anything of me and I'd break myself trying to make you happy. My heart tells me this is the best and greatest feeling I have ever had. But my mind knows the difference between wanting what you can't have and wanting what you shouldn't want. And I shouldn't want you.

As long as I can still dream, I will dream of you.

[sakrafka]

i wanted a pair of sensory friendly headphones

Tomorrow, March 13 is my birthday.

If you've been following me for a while you might know that I have illnesses, I'm in a bad health state. I'm also autistic and my parents know this but they basically refuse to acknowledge my problems caused by it. My parents, my mother especially believes in "alternative medicine". They insisted I go to some old guy who uses "Chinese medicine". So I went there. He used a machine called "sensitive imago" that works with "bio-resonance" or something. After the examination, a lady came and started wiggling a gem stone on a chain to see which medicines I can take (because the crystal tells her that???). The whole thing was super vague and a complete ripoff. It costed a LOT of money (and we're not exactly rich... more like the opposite). The guy even told me not to go to skull MR because "it's not necessary". He is a scammer who is playing with literal lives.

I've been asking for help for years and what I get is this alternative medicine bullshit. I know my body, I feel what I feel and I'm still not heard. I took things in my own hand last year but since I'm in a very bad health, I need help.

My birthday is tomorrow and I asked my parents for sensory friendly sound cancelling headphones for autistic people. My mother said "the cheaper ones worked fine for me so I don't want to buy this for you".

I can't even begin to explain how wrong is to say that. We sense the world in completely different ways. This is the only thing I asked for for years. I don't ask for money etc. because I try working on my own even though I'm disabled. And they paid for the scam alternative medicine thing but not something that would actually help me. My parents are loving people who mean well, they want to help me by sending me to these people... well I guess they also want me to be healthy so I can look out for them when they get old. They told me that.

My worst symptoms currently is dizziness. I've been dizzy for months, I can not work, I can barely draw and sculpt, I can barely go to university. I feel like my life is in pieces. I'm don't think I'm in a bad mental state because I want to be happy, I want to live and I want to be healthy but being unable to draw, work, live my life like a normal 24 yo is simply devastating.

I'll turn 24 tomorrow and I do all my medical shit for myself now. I'm a young adult but I still need help because of my health state and autism. I live in Eastern Europe and if you're from here you know how bad our health care system is. It's basically almost non-existent.

I need money for private doctors. I'm dizzy, I can't work, I don't get help. I'll go to the MR asap but I don't know if they'll find anything or even care to look at my results. I'm afraid and I want help.

I don't know what to say. I'm scared and I want to be normal and healthy. Not being able to draw and create is probably one of the worst things that's ever happened to me. Art is my life, my joy and my job, since I'm disabled I can only do this for a living but now I can't even make money. I decided to keep my ko-fi open and make a donation link (it can be found in my linktree) as well so if anyone likes my art they can tip me. I'm fine, I can walk/do my daily things, slowly and hard but I can. I'm grateful for the things I have.

I really hope I'll be able to make art with full energy again.

I only wanted to write this because I'll spend my birthday alone again. I just wanted to vent a little but I'm fine. I hope u all have a really nice day

[9tzuyu]

my guitar is slightly out of tune, but i’m eternally yours.

[reuploaded and revised from my old blog.]

↠ prompt: you have a terminal illness but you have a chance with treatment but you deny it, then you meet wanda and you feel alive again.

↠ warnings: kinda angsty, but worth the read :>.

requests are always open!

masterlist

∘∴∙*⋆∙∴⋆∘∙*. ∘

“Oh–” was all you managed to say. “I recommend we start radiation treatments-” You zoned out and watched your feet dangle from the edge of the exam table. Was this it? Was this really all there was for you? It seemed hopeless to even do anything at this point. You figured if this was affecting you again, it was for a reason. 

"No. I don't want treatment." The doctor looked at you and his gaze faltered. "You do understand that if you refuse treatment this will inevitably kill you?" You nodded. The words felt empty, they carried no weight behind them anymore. Nonetheless, the doctor continued to try and persuade you. 

"I said I don't want the treatment. I'm refusing medical advice. I don't want to have to go through this again, it's obviously not going away. Now where the hell do I sign the papers?" You exasperated. The doctor gave you one last look before getting the papers for you to embark your signature on.

“You’re one-hundred percent sure about this?”

You shrugged your shoulders, “I've got nothin' left for me here anyways. Might as well just let nature take its course.”

"Well surely you've got someone, a friend maybe?" You shook your head.

 "Nope." You replied, popping the P at the end. The doctor seemed to finally grasp the situation when you handed the papers back to him as if you were turning in a job application.

He pursed his lips, "I'm going to give prescribe medication for the pain. Based on the size of the tumor I'd say you have about eight months to live, but only about half of those months will be enjoyable." You nodded your head in reply and gathered your stuff together. 

So how were you going to spend your last months on earth? That was the question you asked yourself. You walked out of the building and found yourself in a coffee shop. It was busy, but you found yourself a seat next to a window in the back of the shop. Your eyes gazed out the window as you pondered your question from earlier.

'I could move to New York and see broadway shows I've never wanted to see'

'There's always casinos–'

'–Or what about splurging your money on dumb things that you'll quite literally never need?'

You laughed at your thoughts. You made up your mind right there, you were going to live the rest of your life just the way it was. It’d be easier that way. You didn't have friends, no longer had parents, so it's not like anyone would really miss you really. All you had was your pet cat and your guitar. And truth be told, that's all you needed. 

Coffee.

"Hello?" You snapped out of your gaze to see a beautiful brunette standing in front of you. The second thing you noticed was her accent, you'd never heard it before. “I was wondering if this seat was taken?” She softly smiled at you. You returned the gesture and shook your head no. "The place is cram packed and you seemed trustworthy. I hope I'm not disturbing you or anything, you seemed to be pretty deep in thought." The young woman blushed a crimson color, "I'm sorry I probably seem weird or something, I'll go."

Normally you would have cared, but at this point in time you didn't mind the company. So, with the slightest bit of hesitation, you called out for her.

“Wait! It’s fine, don’t worry. I-I’m all alone.” The woman’s smile widened as she took a seat across from you. “Thanks. I'm Wanda, what's your name?”

"Y/N." 

"Y/N..." She flexed your name on her tongue, "That's a beautiful name."

"I'm stuck with it for life, so I sure hope it's at least a decent name." You narrowed your eyes at her as you joked. A giggle escaped the gap between her lips, causing a small flutter to emit in your stomach.

"So what do you do?" She asked, intrigued by your presence.

"Well I do a lot of things, I walk, I talk, I breathe-"

"Oh shut up! You know what I meant." Wanda’s eyes gleamed with friendliness and warmth. She seemed like the type you'd be friends with if you weren't dying. "Okay, okay, I play guitar and sing while my cat eats her food." Wanda's eyes lit up at the mention of a cat. 

"You have a cat? What's her name?" Her elbows were propped up on the table with her head resting in her hands, showing just how actually interested she was in you.

“Her name is Nala. You know, from The Lion King?”

Wanda’s brows furrowed together. She’d never seen The Lion King, much less heard of it.

Your jaw dropped at her confusion. “You mean to tell me you’ve never seen The Lion King?”

“I’m Sokovian, what do you expect?” 

“Ahh, I see. Well, do you at least have any pets?”

"My apartment doesn't allow pets."

"So? Sneak one in." You replied nonchalantly, crushing ice between your teeth. Wanda looked at you in shock. "No way! Knowing me I'd get my ass caught on the first day." You shrugged in reply and the conversation quickly went dead.

Wanda checked her phone, moving abruptly to get up from her seat. "I'm so sorry, I have to go now. I'll see you around, okay?"

“Sure.”

After another half hour of waiting on nothing and thinking about everything, you finally decided it was time to leave. A feeling of regret washed over you. The woman was kind, very friendly, something that you craved.

But you couldn’t allow yourself these things now, especially given the direction you were heading.

_____

Over the next few weeks you'd spent your time songwriting, journaling and a midst of other lonely, boring things. Sometimes you'd catch yourself thinking about the woman in the coffee shop, but you tended not to dwell too much on the past. 

You thought about your tumor and all the different ways it was growing inside you. It grossed you out more than anything, but you weren't afraid. At least not now you weren't. 

A heavy sigh slipped from your lips, and the sudden urge to go to the park overtook the need to do anything else. You’d never really visited the park in your area before, so you decided now was the time. 

The beige acoustic guitar rest heavily on your shoulders, similarly to the weight of the world. It was bitter, no taste of sweetness was left over in the aftermath.

Leaves crunched under your feet as you made your way into the park. The smell of pine and bark surrounded you, just as the pinch of cold air that struck your face. It was tranquil.

You marched your way over to a nearby tree secluded from everyone else. Setting your guitar down, you nested cozily against the wood. Your journal rest aside your hip as did the pen that exchanged your thoughts into words.

Humming quietly, your fingertips grazed the instrument’s delicate strings. Music filled the air around you, but it came to a quick stop nearly ten minutes after you’d begun.

"Hey, I know you. Y/N, right?" You heard a familiar accented voice behind you. You turned around to find Wand standing above you. "Uh yeah, that's me. What's up?" She sat down beside you, making you a little uncomfortable, but you figured you could deal with it for the sake of being nice. 

"Nothing. I just saw you and thought I’d say hi. What about you? I see you have your guitar."

“Just singing,” you mumbled quietly.

She smiled and pushed a strand of hair out of your face that was blown in from the wind. "You’re really pretty." You bit your lip and you could feel the heat rise to you face. "Thanks."

"Mhm. So last time I didn't get your number, maybe I will this time?" She asked (although her eyes were begging). You couldn’t help but feel something while she bit her lip, her doe eyes unintentionally focusing on your lips.

"I'll have to give you mine, I didn't bring my phone with me – don’t use it much." You replied. She handed her phone to you and you typed your number in.

"Do you not have family or friends you keep up with?" Her brow quirked in curiosity.

"Parents died, no siblings, and no friends. I don't have many people to worry about."

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have-"

"It's fine, I don't mind." She looked down in her lap before asking another question. "What about a job? Do you work?" Wanda was definitely a curious one, but each question she asked carried you in a way you’d never felt before. It was refreshing to have someone interested in you, and not your disease. 

"Nope, when my parents died they left all their life savings to me. It's plenty enough for me to live on." Your fingers began lightly playing the chords of a song. It was often that you unknowingly played when you were scared or nervous. You'd only realize afterwards. 

"That's good– not that your parents died, but you know, you have money and stuff. Even if it's– oh my god- " 

You cracked out a laugh, causing her to look at you in terror. Noticing this, you rest a hand on her shoulder. "Wanda, it's okay. You're fine, I know what you mean." She nodded shyly and looked up to the sky. 

"Hey, it's sunset! I love sunsets, I used to watch them all the time with my brother back in Sokovia." Her voice wavered at the end of her sentence, and you easily picked up on it.

"Something wrong?" You asked. She laid her head on your lap and you stiffened, but quickly relaxed. This is fine. This is okay. You set your guitar aside and began to play with her hair.

"I miss him. Pietro..." She paused for a second before continuing. "He died a couple of years ago from cancer." You felt your heart drop for the first time at the mention of the horrid disease that stripped you away from most of your life. "Oh." The word seemed to become your go-to for whenever you didn't know how to accept information you were given.

"He was the other half of me. We were twins, I felt like my whole world fell apart. After he died I moved out of my country and moved here. Since then I've made some good friends. You might like them." 

“I’m sorry about your brother. I’m sure he was wonderful, Wanda.” You whispered, bringing a piece of her hair to the end of a braid. “I'm happy you've made some friends." Wanda nodded and snuggled closer in your lap. "Maybe I can be your friend?" You gave it a thought. You weren't sure you could do that to her, not with your illness anyway. Guilt nawed at you already. She’d already lost someone so beloved and close to her from it, how awful you began to feel if you had to put her through that again.

"Y/N?"

You stared at her for a few moments before answering. "I don't know, maybe." She turned over to face you, but you avoided her gaze. "I'm going to figure you out you know." You stifled a laugh, "And you'll be sorry you ever did."

"Whatever."

____

Four months passed and you thought they would be empty, meaningless months, but with Wanda nuzzling her way into your life you began to feel alive for the first time. When she came around it was like a switch you couldn't turn off. 

Right now, you sat at your desk strumming your guitar while watching Nala play with a toy dinosaur you’d bought her just weeks ago. This life was good too, you thought. But it was lonely.

You weren't quite sure what Wanda meant to you yet, but you were slowly discovering that whatever the two of you had, blossomed into something more each second you spent together.

Popping a Vicodin in your mouth, your phone buzzed. It would be no one else but Wanda.

be there in a few, it's urgent. 

Panic set in your body as you worried for the safety of your friend. What could possibly be the matter? Normally Wanda talked about what was bothering her.

A knock at your door brought you out of your gaze and you stumbled to answer it. Wanda was distressed, her hair a mess and her eyes red.

“Whats wro-” You were cut off By Wanda smashing her lips onto yours. 

She pulled back in shock. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry! I-"

You shut her up by pushing her into the wall, door closing behind you. Her lips tasted of strawberry and her hands began to roam your body.

One thing led to another and you both ended up naked on your bed. How amazing it must be to wake up and know that you won’t be dead in the next few months.

"You're good. Almost too good. Where did you learn all that from having no friends?" She smirked at you. You gave her a smile and kissed her again. Your arms wrapped around her nude body and together you felt the utter bliss and excitement radiating from one another.

. . . . 

Three weeks later yoy began to shake. It was hardly noticeable, and it just so happened to occur when you were playing

It’s downhill from here and you know that.

"Can you fix it? Can you fix this?" You yelled at him, despite knowing it was all your fault. If you would've just taken the treatments you wouldn't be in this place. But back then your life had no real meaning, it was just you and your cat.

You hadn't planned on falling in love with someone. 

"There's nothing I can do now. Treatments won't work, it's too far gone. I'm surprised it took this long to start showing symptoms."

For the first time in years, you felt tears beginning to build in your eyes. "You don't understand, I love her and now I'm just going to leave her? This can't be happening, you have to do something!" You pleaded, but the doctor’s eyes were solemn, giving you the only reply you needed. 

You stormed out of the hospital and made your way to Wanda. Silence rang through your ears.

Tell her. You have to tell her.

It will be over.

Sobs wrecked your body as you fumbled with the keys to your shared apartment. The door opened to a sight you wanted to live forever.

There she was, perched on the couch while massaging Napa’s scruffy fur. She was content, happy, and here you were to ruin it.

"Y/N? Baby what's wrong?" She got up from her spot and rushed over to you, worry etched on her face. You clung onto her for more life than you had left. And god, You weren't scared before, but you sure as hell were now. 

"I have terminal cancer."

Wanda froze.

"That's not funny, Y/N. You know how I feel about this topic." Her glare was hasty, burning into your skin.

"I was diagnosed almost five months ago, please Wanda you have to believe me. I have tremors, don't you see?" You raised your hand up to show her, but she slapped it away. "You're making yourself do that, Y/N. Stop joking, or I'm leaving." She crossed her arms

"W-What?" Your chest tightened.

"I said stop joking."

"I'm not joking, Wanda!"

"I'm leaving," She huffed, snatching her jacket before slamming the door shut.

And it was true, she did leave. However, Wanda didn't leave for the reasons she gave you.

She loved you, but she couldn’t handle another loss like this.

. . . . 

During the next two months you experienced the most heartache you'd ever felt before. The combination of vomiting, body aches, and dizziness didn't help. If anything, it made it worse. You missed Wanda. Everything about her gave you a reason to live.

You were on your seventh month and the pain was unbearable. It hurt to reach out for a cup of water, your hands shook uncontrollably all while sending jolts of scorching pain throughout the entirety of your arm.

Undoubtedly, the hospital bed became your next best friend (although it was the worst one you’d ever had. But it somehow managed to weasel its way back in your life).

Wanda was nowhere to be seen, and if anything that only progressed your disease. The only thing that kept you sane was your guitar, and the fact that Nala was being taken care of by a sweet, old nurse (who sometimes snuck her in so you could see her).

It was about the small things now. 

More days passed and each one was getting worse. By now you just wanted to end it all on your own, but you were physically too weak to do that.

There was a knock on your door, but you ignored it thinking it was just another nurse. "Y/N?" The voice was soft, it felt like it'd been years since you last heard it. You turned your head slightly to see Wanda standing in the doorway. A weak smile formed on your face.

"Hey you." 

Wanda quickly dropped her things and ran to your side. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." She mumbled over and over again as you calmly stroked her hair.

"It's okay, you know it is." You whispered in her ear. She looked up at you and shook her head, "But it's not okay, I left you when you needed me the most." You stared at her adoringly and the tips of your fingers gently rubbed away the tears from her face. "But I'm still here, aren't I?" She laughed through her cries, "Yeah... you're still here."

Both of you knew you didn't have much time left, but you ignored that other than the fact that you made her promise to take care of Nala when you were gone. She held your hand and got you everything you needed.

And you love her so deeply for that.

One night you had the feeling that your time was coming soon, so you woke Wanda up from her sleep. "Sweetheart?" She stirred a little before finally sitting up. 

"Yeah?"

"Hand me my guitar?" She tilted her head, "But your shakes?" You ignored her and asked for it again. 

When she handed you your beloved guitar you took it with grace. "Come help me, I wanna play a song." She nodded and came to your side.

Your fingers struggled as they strummed the delicate strings on the instrument. You picked one of Wanda's favorite, and when you were done you spoke lightly.

"My guitar is slightly out of tune, but I'm eternally yours."

[sapphire374]

Soy Sol: Chapter 2 (Gossip that Spreads like Wildfire)

Wattpad Link

Ch. 1, / Ch. 3 / Ch.4 / Ch.5 / Ch.6 / Ch.7 / Ch.8 / Ch.9 / Ch.10 / Ch.11 / Ch.12 / Ch.13 / Ch.14 / Ch.15 / Ch.16 / Ch.17

Luna is stunned by what she's just witnessed. She'd never expect Matteo to be cozying up so close with a random girl, especially after everything they've been through together. Luna started having doubts and her fears just came rushing over her like a waterfall. She couldn't believe that he would do this, all because she was late

When Matteo sees that it was Luna who opened the door, he immediately got up ignoring Viviana, as if she wasn't there. "Luna, I've been looking everywhere for you. You promised you would be here for my last show and you know how important this is for me. Why were you late.... again? You even promised to watch the entire show this time." Luna just stood there, staring at Matteo. Her rambunctious thoughts were clouding her judgement. She doesn't want to think about it, yet she already is. What if Matteo is cheating on her?

Matteo's face quickly changed when he saw a depressed look on her very pale face. "Que to pasa mi amor? What's the matter my love?" Matteo asks Luna in a very worried tone. Luna shakes her head from a terrified trance. "No nothing, I just came to tell you how proud I am. The arena seemed packed with loads of people. Umm yeah and I also wanted to apologize for being late. Too late it seems." Luna tries to not think about what she noticed yet the random girl staying in the room isn't making Luna feel any better. "I'm sorry who are you?" Luna questions the girl sitting on the couch who seems to not feel bad for listening on their conversation.

"I'm Viviana Marcel. Some people like to call me a very famous actress and rising singer; but if I'm being modest, I've only been in like fifteen movies," Viviana brags to Luna, showing off. "Really. Well sorry I had to ask is just I've never seen you on TV or in anything," Luna says sincerely which brings an enraged frown onto Viviana's face. "Oh, would you look at the time, it's getting late. I don't want to arrive home late since I have a very important meeting at Laix tomorrow. You know the place where famous people work together. I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't know it since you're not, well a celebrity. Ciao Matteo, I'll talk to you later." Viviana leaves after giving a wink to Matteo.

Luna's depressed look still stays plastered on her face. That girl almost reminds her of a celebrity version of Daniela, and after everything was finally going great for her and Matteo. "Luna, your smile has disappeared all of a sudden and hasn't come back. Please tell me what's wrong. I'm always here for you," Matteo states to Luna, expressing his concern. Luna almost stutters when she says, "Matteo why is Viviana here? What were you doing with her?" Matteo instantly takes a sigh of relief because he originally thought something unpleasant happened to her. "Oh, Luna you don't have to worry about her. She's just a friend I met through Rafeal. It's okay." "Matteo what would've happened if I didn't arrive at that moment," Luna asks anxiously holding on to every word she said. Matteo hesitantly replies, "Nothing. Nothing at all."

. . . . . . . .

Next Morning

Simón and Ámbar's House

Simón wakes up in his Buenos Aires home at eight o'clock in the morning. He's surprised to notice Ámbar is not there beside him. He pulls the sheets to their new bed and marches to the kitchen. Ámbar is sitting in the dining table doing some paperwork while drinking a café con leche. This brings a large smile on his face seeing how hard of a worker his soon to be wife is. "Buenos días mi amor. Good morning my love," Simón declares to Ámbar which also brings a warm smile on her face. "So, how's the paperwork going?" Simón asks Ámbar. "Honestly, it's not looking too good. I don't know if we'll be able to keep the Jam and Roller for so long especially since Vidia is considering on selling it to this company who wants to remodel it as a club and bar. They're the ones with the highest bid and if nobody comes soon to place a higher offer... we may lost it," Ámbar reluctantly replies to Simón.

"I can't believe this. First the separation of the Roller Band, then the separation of the Roller team, and now this. The worst part is how can we even tell Luna about this? How can we tell the rest about this," Simon complains while he and Ámbar give each other worried glances. "I don't know how we should tell her but one thing I know for sure is that we need to tell her soon cause what if she finds out and thinks we were lying to her this whole time. The one thing I've learned from my previous mistakes is that lying does no good and the truth always ends up revealing itself... but we'll think about that later. Right now, let's eat some breakfast cause I have a meeting to get to. Whatever happens, we need to find a backup plan to work somewhere else while I study to become a lawyer."

As Ámbar gets up from her chair, she turns the TV on. The news channel announces, "This just in! Viviana has been spotted AGAIN being very close to Matteo Balsano, the infamous 'Quiero Verte Sonreir' artist, yesterday night at his last concert for his Alla Voy Tour. Could this mean that Matteo has a new girlfriend and broke up with Luna Valente!" Ámbar and Simón both turn their heads and look at each other, shocked by what they just saw on the news. "I can't believe it! I wonder what Luna must be thinking watching this. It's just that this doesn't even make sense. Matteo would never do such a thing to Luna and even so she would have told me by now," Simón states confusingly. Simón and Ámbar are both confused and concerned about what they have just witnessed.

. . . . . . . .

Nina's Apartment

Nina accidentally spills her coffee after hearing what she just saw on the news. Gastón hears the loud noises in the living room, so he runs quickly to Nina from the kitchen to help her. "Que paso, what happened? Are you okay Nina," Gaston asks while helping her clean the mess she made. Gastón arrived last night from his job being an engineer. The company he works at has multiple branches, so he tends to travel all around the globe to set up meetings and build all sorts of new gadgets. Nina had also arrived from Oxford after finishing the semester early. She only has one year left to graduate and can't wait to travel with Gastón as a professional writer.

"Did you hear what was on the news? Apparently, Matteo has been spotted multiple times with this girl named Viviana. News outlets think that he broke up with Luna and replaced her with Viviana. I just couldn't believe it. I was so shocked I accidentally tipped over my coffee. Sorry for the mess," Nina states to Gastón. "No pasa nada. It's okay, the stain easily comes off but going back to what happened with Matteo... is this true, en serio," Gastón wonders, hoping Nina would say a 'no, just kidding' but sadly that was not the case. "Well we don't know if he did break up with Luna but the pictures that they showed of him with Viviana look very real and very close." "Esto no puede ser. This can't be true. I'm going to call Matteo right away. We have to get to the bottom of this," Gastón vividly expresses his disbelief right before turning his head and seeing the TV screen, in which he noticed the girl that's with Matteo. He doesn't for sure know who she is, but that girl appears very familiar to him. Then, Gastón remembered who she is and quickly runs to go call Matteo. After Nina puts her mug inside the sink, she rushes to go call Luna as well.

*BTW: Thank you guys for the support you've been giving Soy Sol in the last chapter. I really do appreciate it and hope you guys like the rest :D *

[handonhaven]

So a few things popped into my head, and will most likely stay there for a while.

1. This whole long hair thing with Landon. I refuse to believe they went through all that trouble just for a ten second scene. I believe they did all of that because we're gonna get a flashback episode so we can find out what happened to Landon and how malivore ended up possessing him. And I think this because I like to thing that episodes Aria wasn't in at the beginning of the season/or episodes he was in only a scene or two that's when he was filming the flashback episode. Because sometimes they do film episodes out of order for whatever reason. And I will go on believing this until October when I'm either proven wrong or hopefully proven right.

2. When this thought popped into my head I got mad and sad all at the same time. Because this is now the second time they've separated Handon from each other for months at a time. NOT once but twice they did that. First with Hope jumping into malivore and everyone forgetting her. So the whole summer and a couple months into the new school year they were away from each other. Then again when Landon ended up in malivore. So they were separated again for another two, two half months maybe. I refuse to believe it's any long than that. Since seasons 2&3 are one school year. My reasons for thinking that is because the season 2 final(3x04) was Handons 1 year anniversary and they started dating about half way through the first school in season 1. But anyways I don't I'll ever be able to forgive the writers for doing that to them. Just like I don't think I'll ever forgive them for giving us a whole season without the real Landon.

3. So I have this theory. So you know how there's been this pattern the last two season finals with either Hope getting separated from Landon or Landon getting separated from Hope. Well I think if they keep up with that pattern then the real season 3 final will be Handon getting separated from everyone else. I'm not sure how or why it'll happen but I think it might. But I like to think that when they get malivore out of Landon, Handon leaves to follow some type of leave. Or maybe Clarke does what he tends to always do and he screws them over and they somehow end up in the prison world or trapped in a alternate reality(I think that could be fun to see).

4. What is up with people trying to say that Landon is dead just because malivore is possessing his body. That's not how possession works, the person doesn't just die because someone takes over their body. That's never happened in the history of posseson in the TVDU(or any other show I've seen). And if Landon was really "dead" then what would be the point of those Handon flashbacks during that inspirion scene? I mean come out is peoples dislike and misplaced hatred for Landon run that deep and they'll try to come up with anything just to kill him off? You know what let me not good down that rabbit hole.

5. Okay I don't mind maliLandon being a thing for now. But I just don't want it to last very long. Because I want to real Landon back. And for him to finally be out of pain(again I don't think I'll forgive the writers for putting him through that). I know malivore will be more active in season four but just let it be in a different body not Landons. After this season I want him to be done going through trauma for a long while(and Hope) like just give him half a season with nothing bad happening to him or even a whole season with nothing bad happening to him. I know the chances of that happening are very slim but I can dream can't I.

6. So I saw this theory and I'm not sure how they came up with that or even if they were kidding. But they think that Ethan might be one of Malivore kids. I don't think that's the case, I truly believe that Ethan is just human. I feel like he couldn't be one of malivore's kids because he can be compelled and because his mom was never erased from peoples mind. And Landon can't even before he activated his powers back in season 1. And honestly I just want Ethan to be the one human teenager on the show. I know this show is about supernaturals but that's doesn't mean every character we met should be or has to be supernatural. But maybe that's me. Any thoughts on this theory?

7. You know I wouldn't be agaisnt seeing more of malivore's kids. We know for a fact that Landon is the youngest and last kid malivore had(at least we know that as a fact as of right now. They might change their minds about that). And Clarke is the oldest out of all his childrens. But what about the others kids malivore had. Are any of them still alive and if they are where are they? Are they all like Clarke personality wise or are some of them like Landon? I don't know I feel like that could be fun and nice storyline to do at some point if they ever decide to.

8. I feel like triad might be making a come back for next season. Because this season triad was mention a quite a few times. So maybe they'll come back into play next season. Like maybe MG finds out about another facility from his mom or something.

Wow that got longer than I meant too lol. Came here to talk about 3 things and ended up talking about eight. Lol my mind just got the better of me and I just needed to keep going.

I’ve thought the same thing. If they really pinned his hair back for all those months just for that one brief scene, I’m gonna laugh. Because why on earth would they go to all that effort for a small detail like that? It’s not like they’ve been consistent or realistic about other little things like that, so it had to have been for flashbacks. And my thoughts exactly. I had also wondered if that’s why he wasn’t in 3x14 or 3x15, because apparently, some contracts require the actors to have episodes off (which was why he wasn’t in 2x14 I guess). So if he had been filming flashbacks earlier on, maybe that’s why they were required to give him time off during 3x14/3x15? But it would make sense if he had filmed back during like 3x07 or something when his hair was long. That’s really what I’m hoping. And yeah, if we don’t get it in October, I’m gonna cry.

Ugh, yep. I realized that as well, they separate them every season. The writers are cruel. Yeah, literally, it’s like every summer/into the new school year! And yes, I’m not sure exactly how long with Landon though, but it would’ve had to have been at least a couple months? But the whole timeline for season 3 has made no sense. I had thought season 1 started in like February or something, since the twins’ birthday is in March (1x06), so I figured Handon got together like middle/end of March (1x08). Then Hope would’ve jumped into Malivore around April/May, then we got a new school year throughout season 2. But then 3x04 is when it gets confusing, because I figured that was probably around April, since 2x15 would’ve been mid-March because it was the twins’ birthday again. But then with 3x05, they had the “3 weeks later” and then in 3x06, it seemed like a new school year was suddenly starting? And not long after, they were dressing for colder weather in coats and stuff, so what happened to the summer? They should’ve just said “3 months later” in 3x05, that would’ve made sense. So I have no idea what time of year it is in the show now. Some people thought it was spring again because of some posters at the high school? So who knows how long Landon was actually gone, I’m confused... sorry to go off on a tangent about the timeline haha. But anyway, they’ve still been separating Handon every season for way too long, and it’s terrible. I don’t think I can forgive them either, and same thing with Landon! I still can’t believe we went almost an entire season without him! I’ll never be over it.

Ooh, interesting... okay, I would actually love that haha. If they’re gonna be separated again, let it be together. I’ll take it! But yeah, it could happen. Maybe something will go wrong or they’ll get screwed over, but they’d be together this time around. But I feel like them ending up in a prison world again would be so repetitive, but I wouldn’t even be surprised haha. I think it would be fun to see too though. I had actually thought that might happen in 3x04 when they both were in the prison world, but that did not last long. But who knows, it’d be nice to see something different though, but I’m not sure what other alternate reality they could end up in. But I’m sure the writers could come up with something. Even if it was like a chambre de chasse or something where they had to be put in one of those for whatever reason, that would also be nice because they could get a break and be together that way. I think as long as they’re together and not separated from each other again, I’ll be happy (I think haha). And if they could finally have a break on top of that and be able to recover after everything, that would be ideal.

And I have no idea. Exactly, have they not seen the rest of TVDU? That didn’t happen, and I don’t think I’ve seen that happen in other shows either. So true, we saw Landon’s memories in that scene, that came from Landon so he can’t be gone. Yeah, those people are just so desperate for him to be gone, they’ll try to come up with anything to give themselves hope. They thought he was dead for good after he was stabbed by the golden arrow too. And after they spent an entire season showing how much Hope loves Landon, idk how anyone could possibly think they’re just gonna get rid of him.

I’m a bit torn when it comes to Malilandon. Because on the one hand, I feel it needs to last a significant amount of time. They’ve been building up to it since season 1, this is the main villain of the show finally achieving his goal (part of it anyway), so it’s a huge deal. And I feel they shouldn’t rush through it, plus Aria does such an amazing job, I want to see more of him playing that. But on the other hand, I need Landon back now. I want him out of pain too because I cannot believe all that the writers have put him through. I just want him to be okay again. And one of the issues as well is that he has been possessed for a long time, at least a few weeks now, maybe even a month or so, but they didn’t show it when I feel they should have. But I feel like they could make up for that by showing flashbacks of what Malivore has been up to all this time, and that way we would see more Malilandon, but they could get Malivore out of Landon sooner without it feeling too rushed and like we hadn’t seen as much of Malilandon maybe? Idk, them keeping Landon’s time in the prison world and Malilandon a secret made for some good plot twists, but I’m not sure it was worth it tbh. Because now there could be problems with us not seeing as much of that as we should. I would’ve preferred them letting the audience know what was going on with Landon and showing it throughout the season, while still keeping the other characters in the dark. But yes, if Malivore is still a big part of season 4, he had better not be in Landon anymore. I can’t imagine he will be though. And I completely agree, they better leave Landon alone after this. He and Hope shouldn’t have to go through anymore trauma at all, but at the very least, they need a break. True though, unfortunately, I don’t think they’ll let them have a whole season without something bad happening either.

I can’t see Ethan being one of Malivore’s kids. I think, besides Landon obviously, most of Malivore’s children would be pretty old. And they’ve implied throughout the whole show that Landon is the one child of his that was actually born, which took a very long time for him to achieve. I just can’t imagine he would’ve done that twice around the same time since Ethan and Landon are probably around the same age? At least within a couple years of each other? Plus you’re right about the compulsion thing too, that’s a big giveaway. And also, I think his mom would’ve mentioned something about it, like how Seylah knew, if that had happened. But she wasn’t at all aware of anything supernatural before. So if that ended up being true, that would be extremely weird I think, and would feel very forced and out of nowhere. And I’d like for Ethan to stay a human too. True, I feel like they could bring more humans into the show without everyone being supernatural, so it might be a nice change to have a human as one of the mains.

I’ve thought about that too, and I don’t think I’d mind seeing other children of Malivore either, as long as it was done well, of course. Because yeah, what happened to the rest of them? It’d be very interesting to see if there are others who are still around and if they also hate Malivore and want him gone, or if there are some who would side with him. That could make for some good new characters or villains. And if there were some who were good like Landon, I’d like to see Landon interact with them and maybe have some sort of sibling relationship with them too. So I agree, there’s definitely potential for some cool storylines.

Yeah that could be true. They really just kinda dropped triad after season 1. Where did they all go? They’re still out there somewhere so you’d think they’d go back to that at some point. And yes, something could happen with MG and his mom. And also, is he not curious what happened to his mom and the rest of triad? You’d think they’d try to find out what’s going on with them after what happened when they’ve supposedly disappeared. So yeah, I’d say there’s a chance they’ll bring triad back at some point.

Haha, I feel that though. There’s just too much that goes on in this show, it’s easy to go on about it.

[sylphid187]

Epilogue:Another One

Sunlight hits his face as it streams through his bedroom window. Kenma groans and tries to roll over from his current position on the bed, but finds that he has difficulty moving. He blinks his eyes open and then looks down, only to see a pair of arms draped around his waist, holding him tight. His thoughts begin to drift and he sighs fondly, remembering that he is no longer sleeping alone again, because after long weeks alone in a large house, Kuro is finally home. 

Kuro had to go on regular trips away for the JVA, that was just part of the job description. Of course, this means Kenma is usually alone at their, yes it's officially theirs now, home. Getting Apple Pie, Pie for short, has been helpful to ease the loneliness. The calico kitten has been nothing but a rumble of energy and adorable, always there to keep Kenma company. But it didn't erase the loneliness completely, and there was just no feeling that could compare to having Kuro around. 

But current events have allowed them more time together in the following months. With the V-League officially back in season, Kuro has been put in charge of attending those specific events. With most of the games being held in nearby stadiums, Kenma could actually spare some time to go watch them live with him. This was especially true when Shouyou was playing. The Jackals games were either watched live or in the comfort of their living room, at real time, while cuddled together. Kenma has never missed any of Shouyou's games. 

It's been around six months since their messy confession, give or take. Six months since they came out to the public as a couple, and the start of their rollercoaster of a relationship. They didn't have the perfect relationship, Kenma thinks. They still had misunderstandings, and sometimes they argued about the silliest things. But they never went to bed angry at one another, never slept without trying their best to settle things, in a way that won't leave either of them struggling to pick up the pieces of the fight the next day. Overall, Kenma was content and happy, and he hoped that Kuro was too. 

"Thinking about something?" Being stirred away from his thoughts, he feels Kuro mutter. The other's face buried on the top of his head, voice still groggy. 

"Hm. Nothing important." Kenma replies with another sigh. 

"Care to share then?" Kenma feels Kuro shift his position a bit, allowing the smaller male to turn around and having them face to face, before once again feeling Kuro's arms around his waist. "I'm a very good listener you know." 

"I was thinking of replacing you." Kenma states in a deadpan voice. 

Kuro gasps "Kenma! I'm offended! Only six months and you're tired of me already? Woe is me." Kuro tightens his hold and touches their noses together. "So tell me then, what do I have to do to regain your favor?" 

"You can get up and make breakfast." Kenma states. "And maybe I'll reconsider." 

Kuro immediately grins. "I knew my cooking was good for something. Here's an idea, you stay here and get some more shut eye. I'll make sure you have something to fill your empty stomach in a bit, yeah?" Kuroo starts to get up, slowly untangling himself between the mess of limbs the two of them are in. But Kenma immediately stops Kuroo and keeps him in place. "Kenma?" 

Kenma buries himself between the blanket and Kuro and snuggles closer. "Ten more minutes. Please." He just isn't ready to leave this warmth just yet. 

He feels Kuro place a kiss on the crown of his head, and hears the other give out a small chuckle of amusement. "Of course kitten, whatever you want." Kuro slowly settles back into his previous position. And it doesn't take long for sleep to overtake him again, filled with complete contentment and bliss. 

 

When Kenma wakes, it's to his stomach rumbling and the wafting smell of buttered toast and sizzling bacon. He slightly sniffs the air before opening his eyes and sighs in disappointment that he can no longer feel Kuro’s warmth beside him. Kenma allows himself to yawn and stretch before he rubs his eyes to force himself awake. He puts on slippers and pads out of the room, straight to their connected dining area and living room. 

He stops mid-step and blinks when he sees Kuro standing there, cup of coffee in one hand, and cat food on the other. 

"There you go buddy, must be tasty huh?" Kuro crouches down to place a generous amount of cat food into Pie's bowl. The kitten gives a pleased meow. "Yeah, yeah. I don't want you ever complaining to Kenma that I starve you, you hear me?" 

"Meow" Pie continues to stare at Kuro with wide eyes. 

"No! You are not getting any more this morning. We want you well fed, not extremely chunky!" 

"Meow" came with marching padding at Kuro's feet. 

"I know there's nothing wrong with being a chunky cat! But you're young and we have to make sure you eat healthy first, then maybe we can get you a nice piece of fish for dinner, how's that sound?" 

"Meow!" 

"I knew you'd see it my way. Now, go get your breakfast!" And Pie saunters off to her bowl and just about devours her meal. 

Kenma smiles at the domesticity of the entire scene. Kuro having an entire conversation with their cat, completely unaware, with all his barriers down. It reminds Kenma how easy it is to just fall into normalcy with Kuro, even with their new relationship. It's as if nothing and yet everything has changed all at once. 

"You know, I can't believe you lost an argument with a cat." 

Kuro immediately turns to face him and grins. "Excuse me, I did not lose. We just happen to reach a healthy compromise." He places his coffee mug down on the table, and starts to pour Kenma a cup of his own. He motions for Kenma to come over, and the gamer complies, ready to get his dose of morning coffee. 

"She got her way. You're giving her fish for dinner, it'll be your fault if she turns into a spoiled cat." 

"Oh come on, don't pretend that you don't sneak her pieces of your dinner from under the table." Kuro grins at him as he slides Kenma's plate of a healthy breakfast. 

He doesn't have a retort to that. because yes, he does shove Pie bits of his dinner from under the table, but Kenma would never just admit that and let Kuro win that easily. 

"I'll take your silence as an admittance of guilt." Kuro tells him. "But don't worry, at least you know she's got both of us wrapped around her finger...or is it her paw? That just doesn't sound right."  

Kenma smiles again as he shoves a piece of bacon in his mouth. He's too focused on his breakfast; that when he looks back up a while later, he sees Kuro staring from across him. The taller male's resting his chin on one hand, finished coffee mug on the other, and looking at Kenma with a look that seemed like he hung the stars. 

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Kenma asks. 

"Like what?" 

"Like that. Like....I don't know, like I'm some kind of mythical creature. Or like I'm the best thing you've seen all day." Kenma clarifies with a raised eyebrow. 

"You are though." Kuro says with a smile so soft, Kenma kinda wants to slap that look off his face. 

"I'm what?" he asks again. 

"Best thing I've seen all day. Best thing in my life actually." Kuro says with the smile never leaving his face. 

Kenma's face burns, he looks down and aggressively stabs the next chunk on his plate and shoves it into his mouth. He hears Kuro guffaw at this, and feels his face get even hotter. "You know kitten, any more and you'd put our old Nekoma jackets to shame with that shade of red." 

"Shut up Kuro." Kenma mutters while he throws a glare at the other's direction. Kuro just continues to smile, already knowing that there isn't any animosity in that look. 

The remainder of breakfast passes in comfortable silence, moments with Pie inserted in between. Once they're done, they do their part to clean up, and then start their other routines for the day. Kenma goes back to his room and begins to focus on paperwork with Bouncing Ball and his upcoming stream, and Kuro goes to his own room to have a meeting with people from the JVA. 

It's pretty much routine at this point. Their jobs often being the reason why they can't always spend time together 24/7. But Kenma likes to think it contributes to why he loves Kuro so much, loves being with Kuro so much. His relationship with Kuro was never something that followed a certain set of standards or locked in a set of rules. They didn't have to always see each other to be happy, they didn't have to always physically be around one another all the time to be together , and they didn't require a regular update on each other's business every time. They also never deemed it necessary to be overly public about how they felt, at least not by their standards, which probably contributed to why they took so long to acknowledge their feelings in the first place. 

Theirs is more a quiet, straightforward kind of love. One filled with silent affirmation, affection, comfort and just being there when the other needs it the most. Kenma was never loud to begin with, always just observant and aware, but he never had to be for Kuro to know how he felt. Years of knowing each other has ultimately made Kenma realize that it's always, ever, been Kuro. And it always will be. 

Later that night, as the day ends and they snuggle together on Kenma’s large bed, Kenma’s thoughts drift to how lucky and content he is. Pie has chosen to sleep in between them on the bed tonight, positioning himself slightly, just on Kenma’s stomach. He thinks of his little family that they have built together and wonders about the future they have. 

"Hey." Kuro whispers, the man's hand stroking Pie's back, coaxing the kitten into a deeper sleep. 

"Hm?" Kenma tries his best not to squish their furbaby while snuggling just a little closer to Kuro. 

"We should get Pie a companion, don't you think?" Kuro asks him. 

Kenma raises an eyebrow questioningly. "You want to get us another cat? Why?" 

Kuro shrugs "I think it'd be nice to get the little guy a friend that's all. And don't you want Pie to have a friend?" 

"We aren't getting another cat." he tells the other. Kenma is trying to dispel this impulsive decision, and it has nothing to do with the fact that he would absolutely adore another cat. Kuro simply grins and their debate that night ends at that.

Three days later though, Kuro enters their home with more cat toys, another bag of cat food, and a small burmese cat following behind him. 

"Kuro. What's that?" Kenma stares, and gives the other a look . 

"... Not another cat?" The taller male says sheepishly, as he slowly sets the purchases down.  

The black burmese cat then pads over to Kenma and goes in between his legs. It's only then that Kenma notices the wet fur and shivering body. He bends down to pet the small creature and unknowingly smiles as he does. It then pads over to Pie who is observing at the corner of the room, and begins to nuze the other kitten. Kenma sighs in defeat before looking up to see a triumphant grin on Kuro's face. 

"Hey in my defense, I went to the store to get more cat food. This little guy just followed me home." He raises his hands in resignation after he puts down all his remaining purchases. "And it was raining Kenma! I couldn't just leave him there!" 

"Good on you for saving the cat. But we can't keep him Kuro. We're busy enough as it is and we already have Pie to take care of. We'll get him cleaned up and take him to the vet then find him a good home. Maybe Bokuto and Akaashi will want to take him." Kenma stands up and gives his pants a pat down. He desperately tries not to look at the new cat too long, or he's sure to cave into the request. 

When he looks up, Kuro is right in front of him. "Aww can't we keep him?" Kuro loops an arm around Kenma's waist and touches their noses together. 

Kenma glares. "I know what you're doing. And it's not gonna work Kuro." 

"I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about." Kuro says with a smirk. 

"We aren't keeping him." And again, Kenma tells himself that this isn't exactly because he doesn't want to, but that he's trying really hard not to give into temptation, and be the responsible adult in this relationship. 

"We can afford to get another cat though right?" 

"Well, yes we can." 

"And we love cats" 

"We do." He bites his lip at this. Damnnit Kuro. 

"So we should definitely keep this one." 

"No we won't" 

Kenma realizes at this moment that he's a liar. Because he never really could deny Kuro, just like Kuro couldn't very well deny him. And when it's all said and done, and they wake up the next day and watch as their cats are also cuddled together, Kenma can't really complain. 

Their newest addition to the family fits in with them perfectly. Like two pieces of a puzzle and two halves of a whole. 

Just like Kenma and Kuro.

Always together, no longer alone. 

So yes, Of course they keep the cat.

I added a second chapter to my previous KuroKen fic. This one is just pure fluff 🥰

[nervousmendes]

Canada - Shawn Mendes

Word Count: 2.4k words (fluff)

Warnings: No warnings, just extreme fluff and emotions

A/N: Writer AU based on the song Canada by Lauv ft Alessia Cara. She loves her life in LA but a new opportunity opens her eyes to a new beginning so she needs to figure out what she wants and get Shawn on board with it.

Anyone living in Hollywood knew that LA in the middle of March is not the best time to forget to pull the blinds before going to bed. Scolding herself, she turned around in an attempt to keep the sunlight away from her eyes, feeling Shawn's breath fan her face when she turned towards him. She opened her eyes and she couldn't help but smile with admiration for the man who was asleep with her in his arms. Her hand absent-mindedly went to the soft, brown curls that covered his closed eyes. She brushed them behind and grabbed a few locks in her hand gently, making him let out a sleepy groan. She crooked her neck slightly upward to softly brush her lips against his and when an involuntary hum came from his mouth she had to laugh at how much he enjoyed it even though he was fast asleep. 

Waking up in his arms with the sun lighting up their skin was something that she wasn't blessed enough to enjoy often. And she couldn't really do much but simply blame the fact that they both loved their professional lives, and wouldn't give up any part of finally getting to live their dreams for the sake of their relationship. Of course she hated the distance, and so did he. There were nights when they would miserably miss each other, and while of course they had the little technology they knew to see each other's faces and blow kisses via FaceTime, they wouldn't get the feverish touch of each other's skin that they craved, the endless kisses or the warmth of being in each other's presence that they both yearned for after a long, tiring day. Their only solution to balancing everything out was to make the best of the time they got with each other every now and then, and so, he got used to flying back on days off and she came to terms with taking surprise flights to go give her boyfriend a good luck kiss before he jammed out on stage whenever her job kept her free. Not to forget that it didn't really always pan out well with the mess of the schedules that they both worked on but nevertheless, they never stopped giving their relationship their all because no matter how hard it got sometimes, love is a magical thing that always overpowered everything else, so somehow it would all just work out in the end.

She sighed in content as she snuggled closer to Shawn, her hair softly tickling his chin. She looked up at him once again, and kissed him this time not giving a care for whether he was awake or not. The feeling of her lips on his woke him up, and she cringed at herself when he stirred, eyes fluttering open.

"Someone seems a little too impatient this morning, eh?" She smiled on hearing his morning raspy voice and pushed away the thought of not having it the next day. His eyes were half closed and his curls were a mess but she still didn't miss the twinkle in his eyes when he smiled down at her. It was now his turn to peck her lips, and as they met his mouth, he pulled her closer and swiftly lifted her off the bed and had her sit right on his stomach, hands splayed across his chest. 

"Says you, who couldn't wait till I was done with my phone call last night." Her cheeks heated up and he had a smug smile on his face as they both reminisced their shenanigans from the previous night, the way his fingers worked their way under her lacy underwear while she was engrossed in discussing something work related with her colleague.

The thought of work (and sex, but she can think about that later) reminded her of the email she received three days ago, the morning Shawn had returned from tour. It was about a job offer in Toronto to be an editor for a well established magazine. He knew she had applied for the position, in fact he was the one who pushed her to when she kept complaining about how it would be impossible to actually get it. She did want to talk to him about the offer, but only after she knew for sure whether she was ready for a big change or not. And after a lot of thinking she figured that the opportunity would open so many new doors for her to grow and establish herself. She loved her work in LA but she had to admit that it was monotonous and there was nothing new for her to learn from drafting those articles anymore. With the new job she could also be closer to her family, and at the end of the day Toronto is where Shawn's home is too, not that it was really a deciding factor but she still considered it. She never thought she'd be one to make career decisions based on her relationship. She grew up with the idea of being an independent, self sufficient and confident woman who stood on her own two feet with her head held high. But love came in the way, consumed her. He consumed her, gave her his all, and literally breathed for her. And it would only be a big, fat, shameful lie if she said that it wasn't the same for her with him.

So now here she was, sitting on his pretty tummy with her mind lost in thought, trying to find the right moment to bring up that goddamn email with the most luring offer she'd ever gotten since the beginning of her career. She didn't want to upset him by saying she wanted to move, but she needed to talk about it. She knew in her heart that the job fit her needs and her dreams. She knew it was the right place to go to, and no matter how convenient living in LA made her relationship with Shawn, it was high time she gave herself the opportunity to grow. And who was she kidding, she wouldn't ever find anyone more supportive than him no matter how hard she tried, so yes, she knew it would practically take nothing for Shawn to support her with this decision, but the fact that she'd have to do it by that night before he we went back on the road did give her a good amount of stress.

"Baby, is everything okay? You haven't registered a single word I said." 

His fingers resting on her waist drew small soothing circles on her skin as he pulled her closer to him, craning his neck up to meet her halfway and leave comforting kisses, the first to her lips and the second on the tip of her nose. She gave him a small smile that anyone would gladly accept, but Shawn being Shawn knew it was half-assed and could see the worry roaming behind her beautiful eyes. 

"So is this the part where you tell me what's wrong or do I have to ask again?"

There was no avoiding it anymore, she had to talk about it. She slid off his frame and sat down, pulling her legs close to her chest. The sudden change in her demeanor caused Shawn to straighten up against the headboard and face her. She saw the lines his concern drew on his forehead and before even she could reach her hand out to smoothen them his big paws engulfed her tiny, warm ones, fingers carefully lacing into hers. 

"Now spill, I'm listening." His reassuring smile that came after was enough to get the conversation started.

"Okay." She dragged, not knowing where to begin. His patient eyes didn't leave hers for even just a second as she reminded him of the application she made the first time and then told him about the offer, the position, the work she'd be doing and how it seemed a lot more interesting when compared to what she was doing at the moment. Shawn was always a good listener, and just like every other time, he paid attention to every detail and didn't cut her off a single time so that she could fully pour out how she felt about everything. She told him the whole story and finally let out a breath she didn't know she was holding in for that long.

"So yeah, that's what's up. I love the offer but I'm scared about moving and I don't know if it's the right thing to do."

"Okay first of all, I'm so proud of you, love. I can't ever say this enough but I am literally" a kiss to her lips, "sooo proud of you. I knew you'd get it, you are the most talented writer I know, and I mean that with my entire being." It was funny how even after more than a year of being with him she still giggled and blushed at his compliments like a kid in high school. 

"What does your heart say?" 

"My heart says I should take the leap and try something new. This is probably what I've always wanted in terms of my career. But I think-"

"No 'buts' baby. If this is what you want, you should go for it. What's stopping you?" 

"This. Us. Me being in LA makes it so easy for us, we always get to see each other a lot more because at the end of the day this is where we both work. And yes we're both Canadian but let's face it, how often do we actually visit home?" The crack in her voice at the end gave her away and her glossy eyes fell to their intertwined hands, tears threatening to spill out.

"Hey, look at me. Look right at me." He now had his hands pressed against her cheeks and he lifted her face up so she could meet his gaze.

"We can make this work no matter where you go. You could be in fucking space and I will still love you just as much as I do right now. I love you so much, but you will never hold yourself back for the sake of our distance. Not under my watch. Okay?" And that was all it took for the tears to tumble down her face, except for that they ended up being happy ones.

"I love you so much, Shawn."

"And I love you more."

Her hands went to either side of his neck and he pulled her closer as her soft, pink lips connected with his. He pushed his tongue against hers and kissed her back with everything he had. His neck tilted sideways to give her a better angle, their mouths doing a patterned choreography that they knew all too well. He ended it with one wet kiss square on her lips, the smooching sound making her giggle loudly. They stayed that way, foreheads touching each other's, her hands, one around his neck and the other grabbing his hair, and his arms wrapped around her tiny frame pressed against his chest. This was all they ever wanted, young and in love, staying in bed an hour after they woke up, silly kisses and even sillier I love you's. It was perfect. 

"So there's something I've been keeping secret for a while because I wanted to wait till the end of tour. But right now feels like the perfect moment to tell you. Also the fact that I don't think I can keep it in anymore, but that's secondary." 

"Go on." She nodded, sitting back down while smiling at him.

"I did a lot of thinking and I realised that the end of four albums and four tours is a good time to take a much needed break and live a little normal life." He made air quotes on 'normal'. "And it would also make more time for me to spend with you. We deserve to have a normal relationship too, you know?"

"Shawn I'm so glad you realise you need a break."

"Wait I'm not done yet, here's the best part. The condo in Toronto is dull and empty, so... I'm coming with you to Toronto. I'll be there as soon as I'm done with tour " He smiled at her.

"Shawn, you don't have to! You have so much going on for you over here."

"No, I want to. I'll stay for however long, record the next album over there whenever I feel like it, but I'm going to be right there. I'll be there after a long day of work to give you back rubs, I'll be there to cook you some pasta, give you endless cuddles, keep you up on a weeknight for.. you know what." He had to add a little wink in there. "Point is, I love you and I love my job but I need a break from it to love you and myself a little more. And there is nothing in the world that I want more than that right now. So yes, I'm coming with you to Toronto."

She was at a loss for words. She didn't know what to say. The wide smile pasted on her lips and the tears in her eyes told Shawn more than her words could ever. Not knowing how to react, she plunged into his arms with a shriek and he let out a loud laugh as his back hit the mattress, her body going down with his.

"This is really happening." She breathed out, feeling his lips press a kiss to the crown of her head. His fingers stroked her hair and their smiles didn't seem to fade for what felt like hours. She could already imagine going to see her parents or his on weekends, build forts for movie night, reconnect with their old friends and relatives, get to take Karen's dog on walks, house parties, everything. Just the mere picture of their life in Toronto was enough to fill her with a buzz of endorphins. It felt so right. It suddenly felt like her life was pieced back together. She was going to live the life of her dreams, this time with the man of her dreams. It felt perfect.

"So.. Canada, huh?"

"Canada it is." 

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This is only my third fanfic and I'm still learning, so I hope you liked it. You can take a look at my masterlist for my other works right here. If you have any feedback or tips please feel free to tell me, it would be very much appreciated as I'm still new to this x

-sah

[stonertransdad]

Life Update since I hadn't been on here in forever

The pandemic was/is wild! Lockdowns started literally around the time we were going to the fertility specialist to get her pregnant. I lost my job to COVID in March shortly before we did the procedure, but we decided there's never really a good time to have a kid. Why not during a global pandemic when one of us in unemployed? (BTW, I don't recommend having a kid during a pandemic. Not being able to go to all of the appointments and having to sit in the parking lot was brutal.)

Let's talk about May friends...it was rough. (TW for mention of suicide btw. I'll post a gif where it's safe to start again if you wanna skip over it.)

So May 1st is the anniversary of my father's suicide. It had been 4 years. I found his body and since he wasn't married, I had to handle his affairs and arrange his funeral. May 1st, 2020 my wife and I had a Zoom game night with our friends and I got drunk because everyone was drinking (except my wife because she was pregnant). After our game night at like 2am, I had a psychotic break. I threatened to kill myself numerous times. My wife tried to talk me down, but eventually called the cops to take me. I thank her for that because looking back, that was the moment I knew something needed to change. I was convinced the cops were gonna kill me because I'm a trans dude in rural West Texas. I legit took the phone out of my wife's hand, hung up on 911, and yeeted her phone across the backyard and tried to hop the fence. Eventually the cops came and talked me down. They took me to the hospital an hour away in handcuffs (for their protection I did nothing wrong). They took me to the religious hospital that I was born in. So when they looked up my info by my name and date of birth from my driver's license (I only changed my middle name) literally all my paperwork and my bracelet had my deadname and wrong gender despite all of my legal stuff saying male with my new middle name. I mentioned it to them and they didn't care. They misgendered me the entire time I was there. I had hit my head hella hard on the bath tub when my wife was trying to snap me out of it, did the hospital even check me for concussion? Nope. I had punched so many things and my hand and wrist were swollen and discolored. Did they check out my hand and wrist? Nope. I was there for over 10 hours before I was able to convince them I was okay and that it was just the alcohol. Did I mention during that 10 hours I was literally out in the hall on a gurney with no mask and this was when COVID was running rampant in Texas (the first time)? I heard people die that night. I had nothing to distract me because they took away all of my personal items and clothes. My wife picked me up and we went home and I have been sober ever since. It's not the first psychotic break I've had with alcohol in my system. Alcohol just doesn't agree with me, but I'm finding new things to replace it with.

TW has been lifted...it's safe now.

A couple of weeks after that I began teletherapy because I had been on the same mood stabilizer and anti-depressant for almost a decade. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense that I felt like it hadn't been working for at least a year. This is a reminder to check in with your doctor if you feel like your meds aren't working. You may just need a different dose or a new med. There's no shame in that. I bounced around on various medications trying to find the right combo, some side effects scarier than others, but we got there. Before this, I had been diagnosed with ADHD, Major Depressive Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. My therapist threw out my Borderline diagnosis and said it was CPTSD instead, which made sense.

Fast forward to December because my wife was pregnant, I was unemployed still, and we did absolutely fuck-all because the global panini was still raging.

Our son was born on December 3, 2020. He weighed 5lbs 9oz and scared the ever loving shit out of us. He wasn't breathing when he was born so they called NICU in ASAP. I'm freaking out because I can hear and see what's going on while my wife was asking if he was okay as they put her guts back in place to sew her up. 5 or so minutes pass and a nurse asks if I want her to take some pictures. I'm like is he okay, he still hasn't cried. She's like "oh yeah, he's chillin." This goon was being held by a nurse and was just looking around not crying or anything. Chillest baby ever (he still is btw). I held him next to my wife's head until it was time to go back to the room. Little dude did have to spend 4 nights in the NICU because he couldn't keep his sugars or temperature regulated, but he was healthy otherwise. He's now 4 months old and is starting to sit up on his own a little bit and he's OBSESSED with standing. He's still a little guy, but very healthy and growing like a weed. He saves my life daily.

So after being unemployed for over 9 months, I started a new job working in a call center. I absolutely hate talking on the phone. It gives me anxiety and throws me into panic attacks, but I had been putting out hundreds of job applications since I lost my last job and this was the first offer I got. I wasn't really in a position to turn it down since my unemployment had ran out 2 months prior. It was 2 months of training, then we'd be on our own. I got thru the training and thought I could handle it...until they started putting us on live calls with someone helping us if we got stuck. My mental health hit the lowest point it had in a few years and my wife was terrified she was going to lose me. She convinced me to quit on February 28th (not because I didn't want to, but because I'm a stubborn ass who felt guilty). My meds got tweaked a little bit more dosage wise during this mess.

Starting about mid-February, I was experiencing severe shakiness, tremors, and spasms. I've always been a shaky person and never really thought too much about it, but at some points I could barely feed myself, or get a drink, or hold my son. On March 7th, I tried to make an appointment with my doctor about the weird symptoms I was experiencing, but she was out of town and her next opening wasn't until the 31st. My body said that won't work and my wife rushed me to the ER on the 9th...I had begun having seizures that day. I had no previous history of seizures. Got to the ER and had a seizure literally as I was walking thru the door, so they rushed me straight back. They took some blood and that was literally it. No MRI. No CT. They pumped me full of Ativan and said it was just a panic attack and to go home and chill.

Spoiler Alert: It wasn't just anxiety. I was having 20+ seizures a day. On the 10th, my wife rushed me to a different hospital...the good hospital over an hour away. First we had to drop off our gremlin with my mom to make things a little easier. Yet again, I had a seizure as I walked in the door and was taken back immediately. I don't really remember much because they kept pumping me full of Ativan and morphine because I had been in excruciating pain from the number of seizures I'd had. I do remember them doing a CT pretty quickly after I got there. Then they weren't happy with the results of the CT, so they took me to get an MRI, which showed possible signs of Multiple Sclerosis (but I didn't find that out until AFTER the notes showed up in my patient portal after being home a few days, so I raised hell...more on that later.) They did a 24 hour EEG on me and it showed nothing abnormal. Also, EEG glue is a bitch on your hair and scalp. After looking at everything and given my previous mental health history, they diagnosed me with Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Seizures, or PNES. It is a subset of Functional Neurologic Disorder, or FND. I couldn't walk well anymore and had to use a walker when I was discharged. I was in the hospital for 3 days.

When I had my follow-up appointment on the 23rd, I asked why the possibility of MS was never mentioned to me since it was very clearly in the notes. The doctor didn't have an explanation. He called in a referral to neurology so I could get a 2nd MRI to confirm MS and marked it as high priority. He also didn't take my pain seriously. My pain levels had been at a 5 or higher every single minute since they took me off of the morphine in the hospital. He told me to keep taking prescription strength doses of ibuprofen and Tylenol, which I had been. I let him know I had been and it didn't even take the edge off the pain. He ignored me. Leading up to this appointment, I had also added urinary incontinence to my growing list of symptoms and was forced to wear diapers so I didn't have to do laundry all the time. The doctor also took me off my ADHD meds because they were lowering my seizure threshold. He also took me off of my sleeping meds and nightmare meds for the same reason I'm assuming.

I kept my appointment on the 31st with my primary doctor because she's been my doctor for 5 years now and I knew she'd take my pain seriously. She did. She immediately wrote me prescriptions for a muscle relaxer and Tylenol 4. She also told me that my referral had been rejected by neuro. She said my case wasn't a good one for what she called a "wallet biopsy" and the doctors in neurology could be real assholes. She immediately sent the referral to other locations to get an approval. I am still waiting on that despite it being marked as high priority. She wrote me a prescription for a wheelchair because we both agreed my wheelchair was not enough for particular days.

Yesterday my wheelchair was finally ready for pickup, so my wife drove me to go get it. I'm still unable to drive due to my seizures and my tremors and twitches as it's predominantly in my legs and arms. I am an ambulatory wheelchair user now. Some days I can go short distances without my walker, some days I can't go without my walker, some days I can't even get out of bed, and some days I will be using my wheelchair. Don't judge a book by its cover, not all disabilities are visible. I have managed to keep my daily seizure count down in single digits and have even had a few seizure free days. They are still incredibly taxing on my body. I feel like I can't ever replenish my spoons fast enough to keep up with anything in my life.

So all in all, life has been chaotic. We are moving from Texas to New Mexico in the next few weeks, which should be interesting considering I can't overdo it without throwing myself into seizures. We will be closer to my mother-in-law so she can help us with our son and I can start resting a bit more on the more difficult days. Being a stay-at-home dad with an invisible illness has been one of the most challenging things I've done in my life, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

Sorry this is so long. I just wanted to update my followers since it's been over a year since I posted before a few days ago.