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jaeheewillalwaysbemyfav · 3 years

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Can u make mc is the actual owner of Cerberus when he was a pup but villagers killed him because they thought that he was a monster and what how would the brothers and the undateable react to that when mc started to cry when she saw Cerberus headcanons

Oh Beans! I totally spaced when reading this and only have the brothers.

I'll post what I have here right now, but this will also be on AO3, so if you keep checking/subscribe there, you'll get a notification when I've added the undateables! It might not be for a while though, since I'm about to start school again ^-^;;

Who's a Good Boy?

The Guard Dog of the House of Hades. A vicious, three-headed hellhound that only the fallen Morningstar himself could command. Unfathomably massive. Devourer of demons, angels, and humans alike. Notoriously difficult to groom.

That is Cerberus, Lucifer’s extremely volatile pet named after a figure from Greek mythology for reasons no one truly understands. The creature has struck fear into the hearts of its housemates, and the Devildom at large, for what feels like ages.

So when MC cries upon seeing the wolf-dog for the first time, none of the brothers are especially surprised. How could a human cross such a monster’s path and live, after all?

Except those who weep in fear usually don’t then barrel full-tilt into one of the monster’s furry legs, babbling incoherently about how they thought they’d never see him again.

One of Cerberus’ heads leans down to the human, and the brothers panic, fearing the worst. It opens its mouth, revealing razor sharp fangs—

And licks MC’s entire body in a saliva-filled canine kiss. Now covered in tears and drool, MC laughs as they shake themself off, teasing the hellhound by saying that they already showered today, thank you very much.

“So, did you miss me as much as I missed you?” they ask, giving Cerberus’ central head some under the chin scritches (the only part of its head they can currently reach).

Cerberus boofs loudly, enormous tail waving back and forth at an increasingly hazardous pace.

Lucifer

What.

Lucifer is dealing with a Lot right now. He almost lost the exchange student to his own dog, except apparently Cerberus used to belong to MC?! How?!

He orders Cerberus to back away from the human, part of him still convinced that this is somehow a combination of MC being mistaken and Cerberus playing with its food, but the hellhound actually growls at him and picks MC up by the back of their shirt, tossing them onto its back.

MC, in response, finds new places to scritch.

He stares at the scene for a few minutes, unable to process what his life has become.

Later, once Cerberus finally agrees to let MC leave, they explain to him that Cerberus used to be a puppy in the human world.

Obviously, he was immediately noted as strange due to his three heads, and the people of MC’s village believed him to be an omen of death. MC themself didn’t care, and just saw “lil’ Cerb” as a puppy like any other, albeit an exceptionally drooly one.

He used to be more or less normal dog-sized, but it quickly became obvious that Cerberus was growing fast, and would be much larger than even a wolf by the time he was done. He also became harder and harder to hide.

Unfortunately, one night they awoke to poor Cerberus being chased out into the night by a mob, never to return.

They assumed the worst, mourned, and got on with their life as best as they could. But seeing Cerberus— they knew it was the same dog as soon as they saw him — brought all those emotions right back to the surface.

It’s not hard to adapt to these strange circumstances. Lucifer is actually quite relieved to have someone who is both willing and able to safely help him in caring for Cerberus, and both MC and the hellhound delight in each other’s company.

Lucifer also won’t deny the pride he feels upon seeing MC, the one he loves, getting along so well with his son dog.

Mammon

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

The P A N I C of seeing MC within bite-chomp-murder-kill distance of Cerberus nearly killed Mammon.

What the hell is he supposed to do against that furball?! MC’s dead meat, a chew toy, he can’t save them again—

WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY D O I N G ? !

Torn between passing out from fear and yelling about how brave and cool HIS human is!

So he kinda just… stands there, slack-jawed, as MC finds a spot on the creature that makes it thump its leg so hard the ground shakes.

Already he’s cooking up ways to use MC’s Cerberus-taming powers to get into all kinds of Shenanigans

Except he quickly learns that while Cerb is much more gentle with MC, it won’t let them distract it from its duties.

Has this resulted in MC semi-unwillingly riding Cerberus as it chases a terrified Mammon throughout the Devildom? Possibly~

Though when MC explains to Mammon how Cerberus used to be their dog, and what had happened to him… He can’t help but feel a touch more sympathetic to the hellhound.

Only a little bit though. It still does try and tear him apart whenever he gets too close, after all.

Leviathan

Levi’s fear metamorphoses into awe much faster than the others’. MC LOOKS SO COOL!! Riding the mighty Cerberus like a steed!

He desperately wishes he had the art skills to capture this iconic moment forever. But alas, a camera will have to do.

It’s a pretty good picture, the comparatively small human sitting on Cerberus’ back like something straight out of a fantasy novel. Levi even has a shot of them accidentally scritching a spot that makes Cerberus breathe fire (like a furry dragon!)

100% gets super emotional when MC tells him how they originally had— and lost— Cerberus as a puppy. It reminds him of his precious Henry 1.0 in some ways…

Begs MC to let him post the photos he took, along with their story as the caption. It’s just too good! It’s exactly like that arc in My Adventurer Boyfriend Keeps Adopting the Monsters He Beats in Combat and Now We’re Running Out of Space to Keep Them!

Like Mammon, Levi also quickly learns that just because he unlocked Cerberus’ tragic backstory, doesn’t mean that the hellhound will treat him any differently.

But sometimes, after a long “walk” with MC, the massive creature will be mostly asleep. And then, his hand shaking, MC will guide Levi to pet Cerberus’ flank. Its tail swishes softly, Levi’s own swaying in response.

Satan

He shakes his head and laughs, torn between relief, awe, shock, and lingering horror for MC’s safety. Of course they can tame even the ferocious Cerberus…

Guess all sorts of angry monsters like MC, huh?

He definitely wants to hear the story of MC owning Cerberus in the past, but first he’s going to drink in the absolutely dumbfounded expression on Lucifer’s face.

Toooootally doesn’t cry upon hearing MC’s story with Cerberus. No way, he’s still a cat person, he swears!

...No one is allowed to comment on Satan’s various burn injuries that occur over the next few weeks.

Not if they don’t want to be left with worse.

Asmodeus

OH SHIT!! Also, ewwwww

Once the fear for MC’s safety subsides, Asmo can appreciate the cuteness and hilarity that is MC with Cerberus. Truly no one is immune to their charms it seems, and their affections know no bounds.

...Is it that same quality that allows MC to continue to care for him and his brothers despite their past actions?

Asmo claims that the smoke from Cerberus’ fire breath is getting into his eyes, prompting him to leave. He has a good long stare-at-a-wall crisis for a bit.

Learning MC and Cerberus’ story only makes him mushier. Their tragedy got a happy ending after all!

As much as he loves MC’s charms, he still insists that they de-drool themself before touching him or any of his things. It stinks like brimstone!

Now if they need any help getting clean… That he can oblige~

Beelzebub

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH part 2

As one of the physically stronger brothers, when Lucifer’s not available it’s Beel’s job to groom Cerberus. He knows how dangerous that mutt is.

But apparently not for MC “Knows No Fear” over there!

As Cerberus continues to remain docile in MC’s presence, Beel starts to appreciate the cuteness of a human and their giant hellhound.

Unabashedly mushy upon hearing MC’s story about Cerberus. The themes of losing a loved one, only to find them much later in a new form… it kinda hits a little close to home for him.

(It’s not a perfect analogy: Beel knows MC isn’t Lilith, but having them as part of her legacy is undeniably cathartic. It’s why he doesn’t share these exact feelings with them, since he knows they’re uncomfortable with being compared to her excessively. Still, he can’t help but note the comparison.)

Naturally, he’s also very happy to have a very useful partner for grooming Cerberus. That living nightmare turns into an overgrown puppy whenever MC’s around. It’s much easier, and much safer, to work with this way.

Plus, it means he gets some quality time with MC! And there’s nothing quite like the fond smiles they share with him during these moments.

Belphegor

He has got to be dreaming. No way is this actually happening— nope, Mammon just stepped on his foot, and that hurt, he’s awake.

WHAT THE FUCK?!

Does MC not fear death? Is that it? Did that part of their brain just completely shut down when he killed them?!

Unlike the others, he can’t really shut down his panic. Sure, right now Cerberus is acting all cuddly, but that could change on a dime. That dog only listens to Lucifer, and right now all Lucifer is doing is staring gormlessly at it!!!

He nearly loses his hand trying to pull MC away from the creature (which it naturally did Not appreciate).

“Belphie, wait! It’s okay,” MC reassures him even as smoke blows out of Cerberus’ nostrils.

They explain their history with the hellhound, how they rescued it as a puppy and then lost it to the angry and frightened people of their village.

Belphegor can’t help but recall their expression when he told them about his imprisonment, the outrage there mingling with a much older emotion. Is that why they were so quick to help him?

He’s still wary of Cerberus. He refuses to be fooled by any facades the creature may be putting up.

But one day, MC invites him to one of their “playdates”. Cerberus watches him like a hawk, growling when he first approaches, but MC just shushes and soothes the monster until it allows him closer.

And maybe, after a few tense minutes, the pair begin to relax around each other.

And maybe, Lucifer has a picture of MC and Belphegor curled up in Cerberus’ fur as the three take a mid-afternoon nap.

And maybe, Belphegor lets him keep it.

#obey me #obey me headcanons #obey me imagines #obey me cerberus #obey me scenarios #mine #my writing #lucifer #mammon #leviathan #satan #asmodeus #beelzebub #belphegor #mc

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theglitterypages · 3 years

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Title: Secret Life of Levi Ackerman Part 1

Part Two

Pairings: Levi x fem! Reader

Summary: When Levi noticed that his brats are all tired, hungry some are even injured, he decided to tell them to retreat and brought them to a village nearby and a big secret was revealed.

Word Count: 2000+

Warnings: None

A/N: Sorry if this is a bad one. There will be errors ahead so bear with me guys, I will edit it soon once I have the time.

••••••

“Levi, where are we going?" Hanji asked when Levi ordered everyone to retreat, Eren, Mikasa, Armin, Jean and Connie was puzzled too but they didn't choose to question the Captain. They trust the man and they know Levi wouldn't get them killed purposely.

Levi sighed as he looked back to Hanji, exhaustion was evident in his face. “We need to rest, there's a village nearby and we'll have some break there.” Levi plainly answered. The captain looked back at the kids and gestured them to follow, “Go faster, brats.” he smirked.

••••

You were busy cooking for your lunch when you heard horses neigh nearby. You carefully walked to the living room to look outside your window to see what was happening and you gasped when you saw a man outside your house.

You immediately opened the door just to see 6 other people that doesn't seem familiar to you, most of them were young and they were petting their horses. “Lev...I didn't know you'll go home today.” you looked at Levi and he smiled apologetically as he looked behind him, gesturing the kids behind. “These brats are probably hungry now, two of them are wounded too. Sorry if I came home like this.” your gaze landed at the kids and at the woman smiling at you.

“Well, I was just cooking. Leave the horses here and go inside.” you called them out.

Even if they are clueless, the whole squad came inside. It was a decent looking home, not that big but not small either, just enough for a family of four or five. “Sit down, all of you. Wait for me here.” Levi ordered. The kids sat down while Hanji curiously looked around her, puzzled of why Levi brought them here.

Levi followed you to the kitchen and hugged you from behind, you giggled quietly and turned to face him.

“You look tired.” you pointed out.

“Sorry, we just lost almost half of—” you cut him off by pressing your fingers in his lips, you wouldn't want to heart it because you know that talking about it breaks Levi even more. “Shh, I know. For now, give the kids some bread while I cook. I'll treat their wounds too.” you kissed his cheek and pulled away from him so you could see if the food is cooking well.

“This was not what I've promised you when we got married.” Levi whispered. It didn't look like he was saying it to you, he's actually saying it to himself.

The two of you has been married for three years, you met him when he got accidentally wounded while fighting the titans, your cousin, Erwin went home with an injured Levi and because of your knowledge in medicine you were the one who treated Levi's wounds.

Every time you'll visit Erwin, you'll be seeing Levi too, at first he would just greet you and would leave after that but when you visited Erwin one day and he was nowhere to be found, Levi accompanied you all day, he wasn't talkative but he's a nice guy, people just tend to be scared of the way he stares and the way he speaks because he's so straightforward.

The two of you became friends, got closer and closer until romance blooms amidst all of the ongoing chaos. After 6 months, he asked Erwin if he could marry you, your parents are long gone and the only family you have is Erwin.

Erwin had no complain about you and Levi that's why the two of you got married immediately, it was an intimate ceremony, only those who are close enough were allowed to witness the wedding and it was more than fine to you, the most important part is you married the love of your life. That was more than enough.

For three years, the only time you could see Levi is during weekends, the time where he would leave his squad temporarily to go home to you and if there are not much expeditions outside the wall he comes home with Erwin's permission during weekdays.

Of course, there are times where he couldn't even go home to you but you understand, really, Erwin talked to you about marrying Levi, a man who's serving in Survey Corps would be tough, especially every time that they're outside the walls there's no guarantee that they'll come back alive but you still said yes, that is how much you love Levi and you've always trust him and his promise that he'll do his best to come home.

“But I know the man I married, Levi. I know that you can only go home to me during weekends and it's completely fine, I know there's a chance you'll go home with broken hand or foot, it scares the shit out of me but as I've said, I know who I married.” you cupped his face and pressed your lips against his, a silent reminder that despite o everything happened or anything that would happen, you will stay with him.

Levi close his eyes as he snaked his arms on your waist and pulled you closer as if he's holding onto his life. He kissed you back passionately and when he pulled away, he pressed his forehead against yours.“What did I do to deserve a woman like you?” he smiled bitterly, you let out a chuckle and combed his hair using your fingers.

“We all deserve some time to rest from the cruel world, my love. I will be your rest.”

Levi didn't move, he just stared into your eyes as he holds you close to his chest, in this chaos, you're the only one that brings him peace, the only one who motivates him to stay alive so he could come home, you're the one that makes him feel normal and every time that he'll come home to you, it feels like he's a normal man, a normal husband.

And he's starting to hate himself because he realized how ridiculous the whole set up was, he loves you so much and yet you couldn't even have him by your side all the time, that fact breaks his heart and that fact also motivates him to work harder so he could eliminate the titans so he could finally put his weapons down and be with you.

That's what he wanted, a peaceful life with you.

“I love you.”

“I love you too, Lev. Go and give these breads to the kids for Pete's sake.”

Hanji looked at the kids beside her, they all look exhausted and mortified because they witnessed deaths again but it's the consequence of serving in Survey Corps, no one should hesitate to sacrifice their lives because every deaths would be an aid to humanity.

The silence was deafening, it was a silent mourning of the kids who saw their comrades die and Hanji gave them the silence that they need, they're still new to this and she understands that they'll always be shaken up.

“Oi, here's some bread and water. How's the arm, Connie and Jean?"

“It hurts but we're fine Captain." the two answered. Levi sat across from the group and he sensed that everyone has been itching to ask the questions that had formed in their head but there's one person who looks to be more excited to know everything that's why Levi called out that person. “Okay, you have questions, Eren.” he began, Eren looked up, shocked that Levi has deduced that he wanted to ask something.

He's just curious but if Levi wouldn't want to answer he would respect his decision, anyway.

“W-Who is she?" He stammered.

“I'm Y/N...” You answered as you sat beside Levi who immediately put his arms around you, in return, you let your hand rest in his thigh, slowly caressing it with your hand, it's a thing that you do that he loves so bad.

“She's my wife...” he announced. He has to say it in the most simple way, there's no need to be dramatic because their reaction would be dramatic anyway.

Hanji's jaw literally dropped on the floor while the kids were all frozen.

“WAIT...WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US?! SHE'S—OH MY GOD YOU'RE COMMANDER ERWIN'S COUSIN HOLY FUCK THAT'S WHY YOU'RE FAMILIAR OH MY GOD!”

You laughed loudly at Hanji's reaction, she's the first one to talk because the kids seems to not know what to say perhaps they're just trying to weigh things about the whole situation. It would be really shocking but it's not like Levi purposely hid the fact that he's married, you know that he's just trying to make your life as normal as it was before marrying him but marrying a man Levi would never be normal.

“Well, you know that Lev's not the type of person to talk about himself, right?” Hanji put a hand on her chest as she tried processing the information she heard just now. Now she realized how Levi would always disappear after expeditions, how he would have some things to ‘take care of’ during weekends, the way Erwin would remind him to come back alive, it was because Levi has someone waiting for him and it is you.

“Ah, I remember, who's injured?” you changed the topic as you remember Levi talking about two wounded kids.

“Us.” Connie and Jean answered in unison.

You smiled and stood up to look for your first aid kit, it's a must to have this considering your husband does come home with wounds, you hated it when he comes home injured but at least he's alive, right? “Lev, can you check if the food is cooked already?” you looked at Levi before sitting between Jean and Connie.When Levi heard your order he didn't complain and just made his way to the kitchen.

Mikasa's mouth gaped open, she doesn't really expect Levi to follow someone's order if it's not Erwin but he obeyed you too quickly to the point that she's wondering if this is the same Levi, the captain.

“What are your names?” You asked as you put a bandage in Connie's arms.

“A-Armin...”

“Mikasa.”

“Connie...”

“Jean.”

“Eren.”

“Ah...Hanji.”

You looked at the girl named Mikasa, she's really pretty but you noticed how her eyes looks so sad her eyes are beautiful but they've become dull her eyes would've been more beautiful if its sparkling because of glee.

And when you looked over at the blonde boy named Armin, the teen immediately blushed before looking down. A small smile made its way across your lips he's really cute.

“Oi, Oi, Oi, why are you blushing, brat?” Levi appeared. His tone was dangerous and Armin's eyes widened as he looked up at the Captain, the poor kid looks so scared that's why you decided to walk towards Levi and pinch him on his waist lightly, “Stop scaring him. He looks so cute and tiny, I want to adopt him, well all of them.” you giggled.

“Unfortunately, I don't want to adopt brats.” Levi snorted as he wrapped his arms around your waist, pulling you close to him.

“Shut up, I know you love them. They told ne their names, they're the kids you're talking about.” You exposed him. The thing that most people wouldn't believe about your husband is that he's talkative maybe just because of you but Levi always tell stories whenever he gets home.

Most of the time it would be about his expeditions, you encourage him to tell you everything both good and bad as you don't want Levi to carry the burden alone, he may be called as humanity's strongest soldier but Levi is still a human after all. You want to make it easy for him, let him feel that he's not alone.

You saw how shocked the teens were and you smiled sweetly before placing your hand in Levi's chest.

“Don't mind Levi, he's just embarrassed to admit it but he loves all of you and he's proud of all of you like a dad.”

Levi looked away when the kids sent him a look even Hanji did but he wouldn't have to deny it because he does talk about them whenever he gets home, as much as he hates them for being all loud and messy, he just have to admit that he also loves these kids. Even if they're all brats.

“Tch. The food is ready, let's eat.”

End of Part 1

#levi ackerman fanfiction #levi attack on titan #levi aot #levi x reader #captain levi #levi x you #levi x y/n #levi fluff #aot x y/n #aot levi #aot x you #aot fanfiction #levi fanfiction #fanfiction #fanfic #fluff #reader insert

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thatslikely · 3 years

Text

18 Months - F.W.

18 Months- Fred Weasley x Fem!Reader (unspecified house)

Warnings: mentions of death, murder, blood, depression, suicidal thoughts, mild language, etc. If any of that could be upsetting, please don’t read.

Word Count: 1.9k

A/N: my first Fred fic, and also my first my first angsty fic! Please feel free to leave feedback, as always.

Just a reminder: Y/N is Your Name, Y/L/N is Your Last Name, and flashbacks are in italics.

----

18 months. 18 months trapped in the worst pits of hell known to the Wizarding World. The heart-shattering weeps of depression rang through the never-ending constrictive barricades of Azkaban like an everlasting ring in your ears.

Every day spent in the hellhole, the more you lusted for death. You forcefully shoved globs of tasteless mush down your throat every morning, before continuing your search for anything to gift you the sweet release of death, all the way until your limbs could crawl no longer. You were shackled to life; decomposed to nothing but a tortured shell of your former self.

18 months. 18 months of your will to live repeatedly ripped from your dying body, for a crime you didn’t commit.

Ernest Macmillian was found dead in his home, impaled through the heart with your ornate and alluring ancestral family dagger. Your fingerprints dotted the handle. Your knife was secretly concealed from all in your dormitory chest. No one would’ve known its location but you. Who else could’ve done it?

Who else could have murdered poor Ernie? She was the only one with access to the weapon! I saw her bicker with Ernie once in fifth year. It must have been her! It’s always the ones you never expect.

18 months. 18 months and you were finally free.

“Y/L/N, Y/N. Get up,” spat the gaggle of brutish guards, hoisting your skeletal arms up from the floor where they lay. Your limp body was dragged across the stoney floors, your bloodied knees searing with pain. Pain that no longer phased you. Pain that brought you one more step to the kiss of eternal sleep.

You were hoisted onto a pitch-black broom, which perfectly matched the colors that haunted your routine nightmares. You held a loose grip onto the guard, not afraid to fall into the merciless ocean peppered with sharp, spiky rocks below.

In what felt like a hazy grey blur, you found yourself seated in the middle of a room inside a dehumanizing cage, an array of withering, unsparing wizards revoltingly looking down at your unkempt self from every angle. In one concise movement of their wrinkled jaws, they croaked the two words that would damn you forever: “you’re free”.

You heaved the flimsy cardboard box filled with your meager belongings onto the rotting floorboards of your run-down flat, an unwavering look of death etched into your face. Despite being back into normal society for the past two weeks, your eyes were still hollowed and dark, your skin clinging to your bones like canvas stretched onto a frame.

You were utterly alone. Everyone who used to care for you now pretended you had never existed, your name reduced to an echoing rumor. Nobody would ever love you again, and you were sure that even if someone did, you would never be able to reciprocate it. Your beaten heart had been reduced to a pulp, the most it could feel was the steel club of depression striking it again and again and again.

Once your box of personals found a spot to rest, your body promptly crumpled to the floor, your soul begging to escape your physical shell once again. You should’ve gotten up. You should’ve dispersed your belongings around your flat. Maybe it would ease the pain. But instead, you remained on the floor, your organs feeling melty and gutted.

Your mind desperately tried to pull your dreams towards your happy memories, ones that were hidden somewhere in the maze-like catacombs of your mind. They must be here somewhere, right? But with every filing cabinet drawer that you desperately tore from its slot with a sob, the more damage you inflicted. The happy memories must be here somewhere.

But they were never found.

You were startled awake by a jovial and familiar knock on the door that you couldn’t quite place. The rapping swam through the apartment as you slowly emerged from your defensive fetal-position on the floor. You wiped the stream of drool from your chin, trudging to the door with heavy and haphazard steps.

You peered through the glass peephole of the dark wooden door, your tear-stained and crusty eyes darting around suspiciously.

You immediately recognized the face standing outside your door, their eyes watching the handle expectantly; the face of someone who your twisted mind had reduced to a mere fantasy: Fred Weasley.

“Freddie! How could you do that! You’re going to get expelled! My own boyfriend won’t be at school to see me anymore! How sad would that be? How embarrassing?” you screeched, your words fueled by a wave of ever-growing anger.

Your face was damp with tears of rage and sadness; your eyes were flaming and undaunting. Fred looked at you in horror, before his face rapidly switched to one of an equally-matching temper.

“Don’t be worried about me all the goddamn time! Get off my back once in a while, you overbearing boar! You know damn well I’m not leaving this school, and I’m sure as hell not leaving you!”

“Just stay away from me, you joke of a partner!” you yelled, before stomping away from Fred in a furious huff. Tears poured down your face like boiling water, and you hastily dashed to the nearest bathroom for cover.

“Fred…?” you uttered with surprise, as you slowly swung your worn flat door open. Fred swallowed his feelings of shock with a gulp, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down his throat. You looked so different than how you had at Hogwarts just 18 months ago: the magnificent brightness was drained from your eyes, replaced with depressing black sludge. Your body looked one papercut away from tearing, and your lips were crusty and coarse. You looked like a living corpse.

“Y/N…?” he asked shakily, his voice lacking confidence for the first time in his life. He hadn’t expected you to return back in such a mangled condition. Sure, he’d heard of the horrors of Azkaban, just as any wizard had, but you were living proof of its sheer brutality.

“What do you want?” you asked with a growl. You hadn’t intended for your words to be so venomous, but all your negative memories with Fred droned in your brain, demons whispering warnings in your ears.

“Well… I just, uh, came to see you, y’know, since you were gone for so long. I missed you,” he stated awkwardly, slowly stepping into the dilapidated apartment. His eyes glanced at the barren, peeling walls, a concerned furrow of his brows following.

“It looks quite, er, home-y in here. I take it you’ve just moved in?” he asked, taking a look in your box of belongings.

The box was barren and sad; all that resided in it was a trophy from second year, a dusty framed photo of your family on a trip, and a small red teddy bear from somewhere you couldn’t place.

Fred reached for the dusty teddy in the box, a small smile quirking on his lips. “You remember who gave this to you?” he questioned with an anticipating smile. You replied with an unbothered and somber shake of your head.

“It was me! You’re telling me you don’t remember that Valentine’s day? It was one of our favorite times together… when you spilled the...” Fred trailed off, the smile on his face dissipating after seeing your blank but tormented expression remain.

Awkward tension filled the air, but the depressing voices screaming in your mind made it impossible to register. Fred stood there motionless, looking despairingly at your disheveled self, tears threatening to prick at his eyes.

He continued to question you, “What all do you remember then? I know the dementors aren’t known for their good hospitality.” His attempts at lightening the mood were met only with your glassy, sunken eyes.

“Y/N, I’m sorry I have a life of my own! I’m sorry I can't do everything for you all the time. I try my best, you know that! I’ll try harder, sure, but I can’t be here every minute of every day. You have to understand that, or else this isn’t going to work. It’ll never work,” Fred said, his voice morphing from an apologetic roar to a morose and regretful whisper.

You couldn’t be mad at Fred. He was right. You can’t be with him all the time, no matter how much you wanted him. Maybe he didn’t even want you. Maybe he never did.

“It’ll never work.”

“I can’t remember much, Fred. Besides all the… bad stuff,” you stated with a crack, your shattered soul lurching inside your body violently.

“What bad stuff, darling?” he asked, placing a concerned but compassionate hand on your shoulder. You instantly recoiled from his touch, darting towards the nearest corner with nervous whimpers.

You shakily stood, back to the intersecting walls, palms flat against them with fear. It was a horrific sight to Fred: the intense fear painting your face at the touch of him. It was worse than he could have ever imagined. He’d never have the real you back, would he?

You slowly backed off the corner at the sight of a non-threatening and shattered Fred, stating with a cry, “I can’t remember anything we used to have, or be. None of the good stuff I’m sure we did.”

“All that rings through my mind is our fights, your harsh words, my heartbroken sobs. That’s all I can remember, Freddie. That’s all that’s left. It’s all gone, I can’t find it.”

Sobs flooded the apartment as you collapsed to the floor; your legs unwilling to carry your ill mind any longer. Fred watched you crumble, silent tears staining his freckled face.

Your hands worked as wipers, smearing the burning-hot tears that poured from your eyes onto your sleeves. Fred stood in front of you, frozen in shock, a tsunami of grief panging his heart repeatedly.

“It’s all gone, huh?” he croaked, his voice pained and mournful. You responded with a regretful nod, tucking your shaky legs to your chest.

He gradually inched closer to you, his mind begging his legs to move. Finally, when he stood right in front of you, he extended one of his lanky arms in your direction. His tear sprinkled palm reached out to you like a lifeline; you brought your unsteady and equally tear-stained hand to meet his’.

He unraveled your numb legs as he pulled you up from the floor. Your body felt as thin and light as paper, your heart a heavy burden in your chest. Your legs wobbled as if they were flimsy toothpicks supporting a brick. Fred held your waist to support you, liquified sadness still flowing from his eyes.

His other hand gently cupped your sickly sharp jawline, forcing your blurry, dark eyes to look at his’.

“Oh, Y/N, it’ll be okay. I promise.” Fred wrapped his arms around you into a hug. His embrace felt warm, a previously foreign feeling. An indescribable emotion struck your heart, but this time, it didn’t drive you deeper into insanity. It didn’t make you want to pull out every strand of hair on your head or dig your razor-sharp nails into your palms. It made you feel something foreign.

“Oh Freddie,” you sobbed, laying your face in the crook of his neck. Your crying changed, fueled by different emotions than you ever had before. Bad memories still rang through your head, but the more time you spent in Fred’s arms, the harder it was to see them.

“If you can’t remember all the fun memories we had together in the past, then I guess we’ll just have to make a million more.”

149 notes · View notes

suchalonelysunflower · 3 years

Text

The Siren’s Song (c.h)

Where The Storm Gathers - Chapter 3

Pairing: Stable Lad! Calum Hood x Princess! Reader

Summary: A glance of hope stands in the distance as Y/N and Calum set sails to see some old friends, but the waters are not as calm as they seem.

Warnings: Mentions of murder; Torture; Violence; Blood; Abuse; Sickness; Manipulation; Language; Some grammatical errors (English is not my first language, I’m sorry)

Word Count: 7.5 K

Author’s Note: Had to divide the chapter into two, you’ll understand why next week ;) This is the last boring chapter, I promise. Remember that Reblogs, Feedback, Comments and Likes help a lot (please help out of this ban!) 💕 Hope you like it and Happy Reading 🦋🌻✨

My Materialist // tag list on bio!

Book 2 Materialist || Prologue || Chapter one || Chapter two

Ashton could hear the distant sound of thunder rumbling all over the kingdom. He thought that if he could hear that, then maybe the storm was closer than anyone could anticipate. He hasn’t seen the rain in months, let alone the sun.

He got himself into this mess, he thought. He should’ve fought harder and stopped being so naive in regards to his father.

Ever since Y/N left, he made sure to let everyone know exactly the type of person the King of RoseWood was. Letters were sent and crows were removed from their positions in different courts. Ashton would look for allies to his cause; allies that could potentially help him to take the power from his father once and for all.

It was not Ashton’s plan to take the crown at such a young age, he never asked for this even though it was bestowed upon him since birth. But he would do whatever it takes to keep his family, loved ones, and people safe; and it was more than clear that his father could not provide that same kind of security and comfort.

After the failed attempt to get his daughter married to the King of the Vail and take control of their army, King Richard went into what villagers called “a madman serenade” If the rumors said that he had lost his mind and his thirst for blood was as strong as ever, he would make sure to comply.

Richard brought the kingdom ruin, taking men out of their homes and putting them into training fields. He recruited the most fearless, sadistic men of the crow’s army and put them in charge of his new order. He lost his mind to the delusion that he will run all the kingdoms and turn them into an empire. And Ashton was almost about to uncover his plan when he was suddenly taken in the middle of the night and thrown in the dungeons like a dog.

Accused of treason and deprived of any contact with the outside and its people, Ashton swore he would not let his father win. He endured the tortures with a straight face, not saying a word to anyone that tried to pull something out of him. He spent countless nights without sleep, weeks without food, and days without water, all so that the cause and his sister could be safe.

He knew they would come for her eventually, he just hoped they had more time. Maybe he could’ve escaped by now and warned her, to make sure she and Calum are safe from the deathly grip of their father...

But instead, he was sitting in his cell once again, eyes fixed on the same spot on the wall as his lips were dry and sealed, even when the pain of the iron chains that rounded his ankles made him want to chop his limbs off. Feeling like a failure as he awaited his death. He has failed as a brother and as future King, and right now there was nothing he could do about it except listening to the thunder and the moaning of the other prisoners.

It was the dangling of the keys that caught his attention as it mixed with the sound of the heavy rain. He wondered if he was dreaming every time someone would come into the cell, hoping to wake up from the nightmare he was in, but they all made sure he lived through it. Never too much to kill him, but cruel enough to make him endure it.

“Diner,” The guard said in a monotonous tone and Ashton thought it was weird.

This guard never talked to him in a tone that held anything but pity and desperation, trying hard to win at least some kind of good reactions out of him even when the young Prince would lash out at him. Did he give up too?

Rian Dawson put the tray of food on the floor in front of the Prince. He was fidgeting with his hands, looking nervously at the door, almost as if he was afraid someone might come in at any minute, and Ashton noticed it but didn’t say a word.

“Eat!” Dawson demanded a bit too loud, but he wasn’t looking at Ashton, instead, his gaze moved nervously through the door and the tray.

Still, firm and stubborn as always, Ashton did not move or say anything, not wanting to give the guards the satisfaction of seeing him weak. But at the same time, he knew that the moment he put that piece of bread in his mouth, he might not be able to hold it after so many days without eating properly.

“Your Grace…” The guard then whispered, looking at Ash with a pleading gaze “Please…”

Ashton furrowed his brows. It was not normal for a guard or a crow to be this nervous around him anymore, and he did not trust it. After all, this was the same guard that would come every now and then to change his chains; heal the wounds just enough so that they don’t get an infection; and take him to his next torture. Why did he seem so desperate now?

“Please, I beg of you, Your Highness. Just-” He continued to whisper, but got cut short when a new set of dangling keys could be heard along the hallway “Shit”

“Dawson! What the hell are you doing?!” The Commander asked, standing right outside the Prince’s cell, and, once again, Ashton did not move a muscle to acknowledge him.

“They ordered me to get the traitor dinner, My Lord!” Rian said loudly, standing tall and ignoring Ashton altogether “But it seems like he would rather starve than be useful for once!”

His tone did not convince Ashton in the slightest since he could see through the lie. But it must’ve not been the same for the Commander who started to laugh.

“Let him starve, then!” He said “Before he dies we would have to feed him forcefully until the King says enough. Then he could rot all he wants. Come, Dawson! You are needed on the training field”

And with that, the Commander walked away, but Rian only allowed himself to breathe once the sound of the keys could not be heard over the thunder.

“Your Highness,” He said calmly as before, still keeping his eyes on the door as he started to walk out “Please, please eat. For RoseWood”

Ashton heard the cell door close again and the heavy footsteps disappear in the hallway. Then, his hazel eyes shifted to the tray that contained a piece of old bread and a cup of water. His narrowing gaze suddenly became wide open as his head snapped towards the direction of the door, waiting for any sounds besides the thunder that could indicate someone’s coming.

His heart was beating loudly inside his chest as he leaned forward, placing one hand on the dusty, musky floor, trying to see if he could support himself with his arms without making too much noise with the shackles that imprisoned him.

Slowly, Ashton started to crawl, biting on his tongue to not let out any noise as the pain of his wounded wrist shook through his whole body with every little step he made with his hands until finally, he reached the tray.

With shaky hands, the Prince of Roses opened the bread in half; eyes immediately watering as he had to prevent himself from letting out a cheerful and hopeful sob when he saw the piece of parchment hidden in the crumbs.

“Help is on the way. Let the true ruler of RoseWood be seen again - The Knights of Roses”

Y/N fell to her knees, hiding her face on a bucket as Calum held her hair place soothing movements onto her back with the palm of his hand. It was the third time today, the movement of the waves and the worry set on the pit of her stomach made everything fuzzy and revolving, making her throw up on an empty stomach.

“Love?” Calum asked, wincing as she started to cough through the tears “Y/N, it’s okay”

“It’s not okay, it’s disgusting” She cried, wiping her face with a cloth.

They were kneeling on the floor of their cabin on the Kaleidoscope, the same one they got when they were just arriving at the Crimson Islands. But what once was an exciting, frightening, and adventurous trip, has now turned mournful and dreadful as they made their way to The Vail’s coast.

Two days ago King Alex received a letter addressed to the Princess of Roses, sent by none other than King Luke Hemmings from The Vail, claiming that her brother had been captured and imprisoned by their father, who was now starting to prepare for a war to reclaim all Kingdoms to himself.

Y/N and Calum stood there in shock and tears as they read the letter over and over again, desperately wanting to make all of this just another bad dream. But the nightmare was not over, in fact, it seemed like it was just barely getting started.

King Alex gathered a small crew and together with the couple from RoseWood, wasted no time in preparing a trip to meet with the King of the Vail and his advisor, Sir Michael.

“We cannot let that madman win,” The King said “Say the word, Princess Y/N, and we’ll fight by your side. Anything you two may need, I will gladly provide. I am at your service, Your Highness”

And with that, the Princess and the Stable Lad ended up on the Kaleidoscope again with Captain Merrick; his crew; a few other soldiers; and a few volunteers. Ready to sail and get to The Vail where other rulers are gathering to decipher a plan of attack if Richard won’t back down.

But all this stress; worry; fear and sorrow was too much of a shock for Y/N and Calum even though they tried to hide it from each other. This was not a simple game of sneaking around in the woods, this was a life or death situation with Ashton’s life hanging on a thread if they don’t hurry, that is, if he’s still alive.

“Do you want me to get you anything?” Calum asked once her breathing had calmed down, softly rubbing her back.

“A glass of scotch could be nice” She grumbled, getting up with Calum’s help as she sat back on the bed.

“Are you sure you’re allowed to drink?” Her husband asked carefully, sitting beside her as he held her hand.

Y/N furrowed her brows at him, trying to decipher the meaning behind the gleam in his eyes until it finally hit her.

“I’m not with child, Calum”

“How do you know?” He shrugged, placing a hand on Y/N’s stomach “You were not sick on our first trip to the Isles. And the Maester said-”

“The Maester doesn’t have a uterus,” She shook her head with a glimpse of a smile drawing in her lips “And even so, I know my body. It is not time yet, love. And, dare I say, if my father manages to win… it might never be”

Calum pressed his lips in a thin line, nodding at her words as he moved his hand from her stomach to cradle her hand once more.

“The time will come,” He smiled softly at her “Whenever you’re ready, and probably in years to come, it will be perfect. But, as of right now, my rose, I don’t think a glass of scotch is going to do you any favors”

She rolled her eyes lovingly at him, smiling as she said “How do you know? You’re not a healer”

“Nope, but I’m a guy whose friends would drink themselves to death and ended up exactly where you are right now” He chuckled, getting up from the bed and placing a soft kiss on her forehead “And I’m a husband who wants to take care of his wife, not make her sicker”

“Sometimes I hate that you’re a good husband” She pouted

“I can live with that,” He smiled, caressing her face with the back of his hand. “I’ll get you a beverage, though. I know Zach keeps some for the crew that get seasick”

“I love you,” She said through a sigh “Wish I could kiss you”

“Well…”

“Don’t even think about it, Hood. Get me the beverage and some mint leaves with lemon first”

Calum chuckled, “As you wish”

The stable lad exited the room with a faint smile that quickly disappeared when he closed the door. He hated seeing Y/N sick and he knew that the waves were just an added factor to all the turmoil she must be going through. He knows his wife; he knows she’s hiding all the pain she’s not allowing herself to feel. And he also knows that the stubbornness of his princess is strong and she would never admit it.

It’s all his fault, he thought as he walked towards the main cabin. He couldn't help but feel that he took part in sealing Ashton’s fate even though there was nothing they could’ve done at the moment. They needed to keep Y/N safe, no matter the cost. But why should Ashton pay for the crimes Calum committed by loving her? It should’ve been him the one sitting in the cell, not the only family Y/N has left; not the only family that loved her.

She’s already lost so much; her homeland, her mother, and now Ashton… She didn’t deserve any of it and Calum was more than determined to help her bring him back, no matter what it takes. They will not let Richard win.

He walked up to the deck, already making plans inside his head to let the guilt die down for a second as he concentrated on getting Y/N’s health back to normal when his pace was cut short by someone who purposely stood in front of him.

“Good morning, my Lord. Won’t you say we’re having such a splendid morning, today?”

There was something on Jack’s smile that made Calum want to punch it, something mocking yet sinister that hid something that he just couldn’t figure out.

At first, they couldn’t believe he volunteered for the trip, having just got to the Isles and finding a role in the court. He seemed too eager to go back to the Vail and help them defeat the King of RoseWood, saying it would be an honor to serve the Princess on whatever she would need. And even Y/N had to admit that was a bit off, but they needed all the help they could get.

Still, Calum did not trust him. And after he told Y/N about what happened back on the training grounds of the palace, she also started to distrust the man going by Jefferson. So his presence here brought more questions than reassurances.

“How’s the Princess doing?” Jack, also known as Sir Jefferson, asked; leaning over one of the masts with a glint in his eyes as he looked up and down Calum’s body.

Calum didn’t even try to hide his feelings towards him anymore as his hard, brown eyes stared at him with annoyance.

“My wife’s health is none of your business, Sir. Now, if you’ll excuse me”

But at the same time he took a step forward, so did Jack.

“Ouch,” He said ironically, “Thought you would be more thankful, my Lord. After all, isn’t your brother-in-law we are talking about here?”

Calum bluntly ignored him as he walked past the crow, bumping his shoulders as he did. Jack smirk, for his plan of railing up the stable lad, was working and he was also having fun with it, making it a personal challenge so for when the time comes to let all the truth come to shove, at least the fighting will be interesting. So he followed him.

“Who would’ve thought it would come to this?” He said, walking alongside Calum “A mad King, a Prince held hostage… Only, that’s all we know. Maybe things at RoseWood are more interesting”

Calum ignored him, pushing through the crowded deck to get to the Captain’s cabin. Jack’s voice became white noise as he tried to get the medicine he needed and then go back to his wife waiting for him at the other side of the ship. But then…

“Think of how this would’ve never happened if you never left. Or maybe things are finally working out for you”

Jack smirked at the way the stable lad stopped in the middle of his tracks, but quickly hid it the moment he turned around as the crow greeted him with a faux-innocent look of concern.

“Is everything alri-”

“What did you just say?”

Calum was fuming. The hair on the back of his neck rose in anger as a chill ran down his back when he heard those words. His fists were clenched to the sides, knuckles turning white from the grip as he dug his nails into his palms, reminding him to not lose his temper as they stood right at the entrance of the cabin’s hallway.

A shadow hid most of Jack’s face and Calum could swear he saw him smile for even just a second before his voice became soft as he said:

“I’m just saying that if you had stayed in RoseWood then maybe the Prince would not be in the dungeons, am I wrong for assuming that?” He said, furrowing his brows almost as if he didn’t understand why Calum could be mad about it “Royals can be tough, but you knew that before getting involved with the Princess, I assume. And then running away with her… Seemed like a poorly executed plan that started in chaos and, like most things, would probably end in chaos. Unless that’s the plan all along”

“What the fuck do you mean by that?”

Jack gasped, placing a hand over his heart as he blinked at Calum “That language, my Lord, very aggressive”

Calum grabbed the crow by the lapels of his clothing, pushing him against the wall.

“Cmon,” Calum said with his face only inches away from Jack’s “Say what you must, if you dare”

The crow let out a small, sarcastic laugh “Oh, my lord. Was I wrong to assume how this could benefit you? Don’t you think is a little suspicious? Father gets mad, you marry the daughter and then suddenly the prince disappears… Who gets the throne once it’s all said and done? Now that’s a story worth telling, don’t you think?”

Calum’s eyes filled with rage as he banged Jack’s head against the wooden walls, knowing that people might be watching. But he could not let go of that offense as if it was nothing. How could he think that he could do that to Ash? To Y/N?!

“You don’t know shit of what happened,” He said through gritted teeth “You don’t know what we went through, what she went through. You don’t know our story so don’t pretend like you do and start assuming on other people’s lives”

“Calm down, my friend,” Jack said, trying to defuse the tension. “Maybe I’m mistaken but I’m just saying what everyone else is thinking already”

“What?”

“Don’t tell me you haven’t thought about it, too? What does Y/N say about it?”

“What are you talking about?!” Calum demanded in hushed tones, gripping tightly onto Jack’s lapels and making him hit his head on the wooden wall behind him again, but the crow didn’t even flinch as a glimmer set in his eyes, sending chills down Calum’s spine.

“Oh, may the gods bless your foolish heart, Calum” The crow sympathized. “I knew Y/N would be too kind to let you borrow some of her burdens, but for you to be so clueless… Must be a blessing to walk around like that”

“Like what?” Calum was getting impatient.

“Like you didn’t cause all of this”

“My Lords? Is everything alright?” Captain Merrick’s voice came from the end of the hallway as he walked up to them.

Calum let go of Jack in an instant, too shocked by his words to say anything else as he looked at him with wide eyes and an expression that hid too many fears inside of it.

Jack, on the other hand, just smiled at the Captain “Everything’s fine, Captain. We were just having a friendly conversation, isn’t that right, Cal?” He patted Calum on the shoulder and walked away without saying anything else.

“My Lord?”

“I-I’m fine, Captain,” Calum said, blinking a couple of times to clear his thoughts “My- uh, My wife is feeling a little bit seasick, I was wondering if you could help me get her something to ease her stomach”

Zach smiled “Of course, my Lord! Come, I have exactly what she needs in my cabin”

Calum nodded, “Oh, and Zach?”

“Yes?”

“If you can,” He said, looking toward where the crow just disappeared “Don’t let that man go near our cabin nor near Y/N if I’m not there to stop him”

An echo passed through her ears as she stood in the empty hallway. How she got there, she didn’t know; but it all seemed so familiar, almost like a dream. Only she didn’t know if it was a nightmare.

The clanking of the chains could be faintly heard from miles away as the hallway seemed to have no end, blending into the darkness.

Y/N took in her surroundings, looking from left to right and finding not a soul that could tell her what was going on. The humidity of the walls started to cling to her skin, making it seem like her gown was becoming heavier and heavier the more time she spent standing on the cobblestoned floor.

Then, a small, faint light came from one of the rooms hidden in the hallway. A candlelight gleam illuminated her path of darkness as she felt compelled to it, feeling the need to follow it. So she did.

The closer she got to the light the more real things started to become. Y/N was starting to feel as if this was not a dream anymore, a memory perhaps? She could feel the warmth of the light gracing her cheeks with every step she could, and, if she paid enough attention, even the sound of laughter would brush her ears.

The laughs were heavy, grave and she guessed it must come from a group of men. They were laughing at something, yet she couldn’t see what just yet nor she could hear anything besides the laugh and a faint sound of a whip, thinking that maybe they were just messing with the horse’s equipment as the drunk guards used to do back at RoseWood; Calum always hated that but they were always nice enough to pay back whatever they might’ve broken.

Could she be back at the stables? Was her mind playing with a forgotten memory?

Still, the crackling of the whip grew louder and louder as well as the laughs that couldn’t hide it anymore. But that's all it was. A whip and laughter, nothing else. So why did her heart beat faster as she approached the slightly ajar door?

From the small crack, she witnessed a group of men dressed in black, a red rose embroidered in their chests as they carried the RoseWood symbol with pride. They were drunkenly laughing at something -or rather someone - that Y/N couldn’t see just yet. She examined the men’s faces and couldn’t recognize them as his father’s guards, they weren’t the guards from the woods nor any that you’ve met before.

Yet, they seemed to be having the time of their lives as one of them grabbed the leathered whip from the other’s hand, laughing as he swung it over his head until it crashed with a surface while the others started to count.

Trying to get a better view - or at least an idea of what was happening - Y/N pushed the door open just a crack, hoping none of the men realized as the wooden door squeaked against the cobblestone, luckily they were still entertained with what was happening at the other corner.

The first thing the Princess noticed once she got a clearer view was the blood. So much blood scattered around the room in little splashes, pooling down in the middle. She felt her whole body tremble, feeling sick just looking at it, remembering the last time she saw so much red when Calum was captured.

Still, she couldn’t look away. It was almost as if her eyes were glued to the gruesome scene, following a trail until it landed on a target.

Her eyes widened and filled with tears; a scream threatened to escape her throat as she covered her mouth with both her hands to silence it. Her knees started to buckle and she felt as if she could throw up all over again, completely horrified at what was in front of her.

With a manacle on each wrist, each hanging from opposite wooden pillars and keeping his arms open wide, unable to sit or to let his body fall from the physical trauma, stood Ashton with his back completely open and bloody.

In front of him stood a small, dirty mirror where Y/N could see how he could barely keep his eyes open anymore; biting on his lip with each crack of the whip, making him lean forward and letting the manacles cut his wrist when he did so. Still, he didn’t say a word as the guards kept counting and Y/N didn’t want to know how many rounds they got before she got there.

Ashton’s hair fell in front of his face, stuck in sweat and blood to his forehead as his face changed with every hit of pain, only adding to his anger.

“C’mon, lads!” One of the guards laughed “Gotta be a lot proper with the royals now, don’t we? Start the count again, and this time do it more… gently”

The guard stood up and handed his friend another leathered whip, the only difference was that this one held spikes at the end, making sure to cut through the skin at just a simple touch.

Y/N watched in horror at how her brother’s back arched as he bit down his tongue, barely even opening his eyes to glance at the small mirror hanging in front of him, and she could swear that just for a moment, his eyes met hers before receiving another blow.

Unable to stand it any longer, Y/N barged into the room, making all of the men stop what they were doing as they stared down at her with eyes filled with fear as the man threw the whip on the floor.

Without wasting a breath, she ran to Ashton’s side and stood in front of him, trying to wipe some of the blood out of his face. But before she could say anything, she noticed how her brother’s eyes changed and were now filled with rage directed at her.

“You did this,” He said through gritted teeth, spitting blood at Y/N’s cheek.

Shocked and scared, Y/N looked around the room and found it empty.

“What?” She asked out loud, looking over at Ashton who also disappeared in thin air.

Her breathing became elaborated as she searched the room, trying to find any evidence that someone was there. Yet, when she turned around all she could find was the mirror and a different set of eyes looking straight at her.

For in that moment, her reflection wasn’t hers; it was her father, looking back with a proud smirk at the monster she thought she was.

The sudden shake of the ship made her jolt awake, taking in her surroundings with wide-open eyes as she tried to remember the dream she just had.

Her mother used to say that dreams are made of people’s greatest desires and fears; they could come from a memory or a premonition of the future and should never be taken lightly, for a dream was just as important as a thought. Dreams are the thoughts we don’t dare to say out loud.

A chill ran down her spine as her father‘s eyes were engraved in her memory; so cruel, so proud… Was she like him in a way when she ran away, leaving the ones she loved behind? Taking the easy way out, would he have done the same?

The simple thought of that made her blood run cold. She was not cruel; she was not a monster. She did what she needed to do to survive and make sure that Calum was safe. She made the only choice she could make but, would everyone understand that? Or would they just see her as her father’s daughter?

The sheets shifted slightly as Y/N’s eyes finally landed on Calum, the only comfort she had. She ran a hand delicately through his shaved curls, thanking the gods that they allowed him to sleep peacefully at least for one night and that she didn’t wake him up with her nightmare. He’s been so restless lately, she just wished to share some of his grief with him. She already put him through a lot, he deserved some peace of mind and she wants nothing more than to be able to provide that for him; let them be just themselves like they were in the woods, away from all fears and terrors and villains… just two kids playing around with fairytales and horse rides, so in love and with nothing to fear.

After a while, it became obvious that Y/N couldn’t go back to sleep so easily. With a sigh, she got off the bed, kissed Calum’s temple as he started to lightly snore, and wrapped herself with her robe as she exited the cabin; looking for a distraction in the middle of the star-filled sea.

Y/N closed her eyes when the cold night breeze graced her face, making her hair fly as she walked barefoot through the deck. All members of the crew and the volunteers were sound asleep.

She got closer to the board, looking straight ahead at the vast sea as her fingers grip the wood of the rails. They were still a few days away from getting to The Vail and once they get there, they have to start their strategies, plan the trips, know how many people to take, embark on the journey… who know how long it’ll be till they reach RoseWood again, but they were determined to do so. She knows Luke and Michael won’t let her down and they’ll do everything they can to get Ashton back and her father out of the throne; she knows she could trust them.

“Can’t sleep, Your Highness?”

Y/N jumped at the sound of a voice coming from the shadows of the quarterdeck, placing a hand over her heart as she watched Sir Jefferson emerge from the dark corner, smiling kindly at her.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you, Princess” He apologized, raising his hands in defense.

“Maybe you should’ve thought about it before talking from the shadows” Y/N sighed, looking back at the sea “We never know if the person hiding there is a friend or a foe, Sir Jefferson”

“And where would you place me, Your Highness?” He asked, taking a step closer to her “Friend or foe?”

“Am I talking to the same man that hurt my husband in training? Then, I’m not sure”

“It was a friendly match,” Jack said, leaning over the board and placing his elbows on the wooden planks as he looked at the sea as well.

“A match is still a match. You were lucky it wasn’t a duel” Y/N rolled her eyes “Either way, I don’t particularly understand the need men have for violence. For practice and self-defense, I get it. But to draw blood from innocent people… Seems barbaric”

“It’s in our system,” He shrugged. “Men search for violence even when they claim peace. We all know our nature and how far we can go, trying to push it beyond those limits until we reach the glory at the end. Even the most compassionate of men could tell you about the temptations of power and blood, maybe by doing things they know it’s wrong just to have a little taste of what it feels like”

Y/N’s mind couldn’t help to wander over to Ashton again, on how he played a part in scattering crows around the kingdoms in order to favor their father. He said he didn’t know why, but he still went ahead and did it; and even though she believed him, she also wonders if he ever at least had a slight idea of what he was doing.

“And once a man gets a taste….” Jack continued, biting the inside of his cheek as he watched Y/N’s clouded eyes “It becomes part of him”

“That’s awful”

“But it’s true. We cannot escape who we are, no matter how much we try to run away from it. If it’s in our blood, then it’s fate’s design to follow it”

The crow noticed how, suddenly, Y/N’s eyes started to water as she hugged herself even tighter. And for a moment, just a slight moment as the moonlight graced her face, he felt pity for her.

“The sea is quiet tonight,” He said, changing the topic to spare the little Princess, at least for tonight.

“I don’t suppose it makes much noise anyway” She answered, quickly brushing away a stray tear that escaped her eye “It’s just water”

“Careful with your words, Princess” Jack smirked “Or they might hear”

“Who?”

“The mermaids”

Y/N furrowed her eyebrows “That’s a fairytale, Sir Jefferson”

“Only to those who refused to believe in them,” He said “My mother used to tell me these stories, about pirates and adventures, but her favorites were always about the women who hide in the deep ends of the ocean. The mermaids are the protectors of the seas. Some legends say that mermaids are women who’ve been thrown out of their ships as a sacrifice to the gods; others, that the creatures were created by the gods themselves as a punishment for those who wander without the purest of hearts. They seek vengeance and justice, luring people of all around the world with their voices and deceiving them as they make them fall in love with fake promises and lust, sinking them into the sea with them. And, once they’ve realized they can’t breathe anymore, that’s when they show their true form. It’s a lesson, I suppose”

“Of what?”

“Never trust the beauty unless you can see the soul behind the eyes,” Jack said seriously, looking at Y/N “There are horrible people out there, Princess, hiding in their pretty clothes and all their riches, thinking they know it all just because they have it all. But no one is sinless, they know what they did”

The wind blew strangely, whistling through the sails as Y/N took in his words. No one is pure of sins, but could they ever repent them? She wrapped herself tighter in her robe, watching the crow’s back attentively as his eyes wandered over to the water, humming to himself an old siren’s song.

“My heart is pierced by Cupid

I disdain all glittering gold

There is nothing can console me

But my jolly sailor bold”

His voice was deep and rough as he sunk into a memory, thinking about his mother and all that was taken from him for people like the King; they always have it all yet they don’t care about their people, going on about their lives celebrating meaningless accomplishments as their people die on the streets. If he could get some of that power; if he could make them pay… And he will, by the gods he will.

Jack became no one of many names throughout his life, fighting to be the best in everything he does so when the moment comes, everyone will scream out his name in glory and gore.

“It’s getting late, Princess,” He said after a while, turning his head toward her “You should go back to bed”

Y/N’s lips parted as she stared at him; his eyes held something deeper than just a memory, they were cold and somewhat cruel as he looked at her, but only for a second as his signature smile was back on his face in the blink of an eye, making her wonder if she’d just imagined the familiarity of that glare.

“We still have a long way to The Vail, and around this time of year their days tend to be longer, so there won’t be much resting once we get there” He smiled.

Y/N nodded “You seem to know a lot about The Vail, Sir Jefferson. Have you ever been there before?”

Jack nodded with a sigh as he pointed to the scar on his left eye “Fearless warriors, they say. I have to admit they were right”

“They are a peaceful Kingdom and have been for decades” The Princess questioned him “Their King is one of the kindest souls I know, and to my knowledge, they only use violence for training and nothing more since the wars are over. I still don’t understand how you managed to get that scar on a Kingdom with people like that”

“Well, appearances can be deceiving, Your Highness. You just never know who to trust” Jack said gravely, gracing his eyes to the floor before looking up at her again “But that might be a story for another day, you should get some sleep”

“I don’t think I can, really,” Said the Princess “But that shouldn’t keep you up, my Lord. I’ll be fine”

Truth was, Y/N was still pretty shaken from her nightmare and the words from Sir Jefferson, feeling a sense of warning running through her mind. For some reason, she didn’t feel safe and was relieved when Jack seemed to understand and nod.

“Perhaps I have something that could help you, Princess,” He said, reaching into one of the pockets of his jacket and pulling out a folded handkerchief “I always carry some with me, just in case”

Jack opened the small piece of fabric revealing a couple of dry leaves on it.

“It helps you sleep,” He said with a smile “You just have to put them in water, cold or hot, and drink it after ten minutes. Works like a charm, or at least that’s what my mother used to say and I never found any fails to that logic”

Y/N smiled kindly, taking a couple of leaves in her hands as she looked at them, furrowing her brows just slightly.

“Are you certain this would help?”

“Extremely”

She nodded, “Thank you, Bernard”

He smiled at her one last time before she turned around and hurried to her cabin once again, speeding up the pace once she was out of sight from the decks, opening up the heavy wooden door and locking it instantly as her breathing became heavy and beams of sweat started to cover her face.

With heavy hands, she went to the small desk in the room, sitting in the chair and lighting up the candle; wasting no time in grabbing a leaf and burning it.

From the moment she saw them she knew what they were, she remembers seeing them in one of the Maester’s lessons.

“This is called La Torture De Méduse, an ancient poisonous leaf that causes a complete body paralysis, starting from the legs, then the torso and the arms, and lastly, the brain and the rest of the organs. All without the victim knowing since it makes the poor soul who ingested it fall into a deep slumber as their bodies die slowly. One can literally become stone, hence the name of this vile creation of the gods. Luckily, it is easy to identify if you notice the little green dots on the petiole and midrib. Do not ever go near them and if you do…”

Destroy them.

And that’s exactly what Y/N was doing as she watched the second leaf burn into ashes. Her mind was running a thousand kilometers per hour, trying to find an excuse for Sir Jefferson who so kindly and so naively, gave the leaves to her. He said that it helped him sleep, but these could not be the same leaves he talked about. If he ever drank the beverage created with them, then he should be dead already.

Unless he knew exactly what he did by giving her the leaves, expecting to receive the news of her untimely death the next morning when Calum finds her cold next to him. But why would he do that to her? They barely know one another and she has done nothing to wrong him. Nothing made any sense...

“Rose?” Calum’s voice alerted Y/N as she pulled the leaf away from the fire, letting it fall with the remaining others onto the desk “What are you doing, my love?”

She hesitated to answer. She couldn’t lie to him, but at the same time, she didn’t want to accuse an innocent until she got further proof of his wrongdoings, afraid she’ll become like her father.

If she tells Calum about the leaves and what they do, he will kill Jack with no hesitation and he’ll be sent to trial again, only this time he might serve time for real or worse: he’d be sentenced for murder. The law does not care if it was in self-defense, as far as the court will know, Jack never intended to hurt the Princess and it might’ve been just an honest mistake. And Y/N was not ready to lose Calum again.

“I couldn’t sleep,” She tells him a half-truth, leaving what happened with Jack aside “Thought I could use some air and then I came back here”

Calum rolled to his side, watching her with sad, understanding eyes “I know how difficult this must be for you, my rose. And I wish I could take some of that pain away from your eyes and hide it somewhere where you’ll never see or feel it again in your life. But all I can offer you is the promise that I’ll be here through it all with you, my love, we’ll be home soon”

“You’re my home, Cal,” She said “You’ve always been my home”

“Then come back to bed and let me hold you,” He said softly “Let us fight these nights together and share our mornings hand in hand. You’re not alone in this, my rose”

“And neither are you”

He beckoned her with his head and she smiled softly at him, turning around to blow out the candle and hide the remaining leaves on the pocket of her stash without him noticing it, promising herself to get to the bottom of it soon.

Calum wrapped his arms around her waist as he pulled her close, kissing her forehead as she laid on his chest with her head tucked under his chin.

“You’re the strongest person I know, Y/N” He whispered against her hair as his fingers drew figures on her back.

“Only because I have you with me,” She answered, kissing the side of his neck “I love you, Cal. Please, never leave me”

“Not in this life or the next, my love” He replied, drifting to sleep again with her chest pressed against his “Not in this life or the next”

Still, with Calum fast asleep next to her, Y/N could not phantom getting back to her dreams as she watched the moon disappear into the sea through their small porthole, hoping that the sirens would hear her pray and lure her to sleep in the midst of a dreamless sea.

tags: @iknowyouthinkimbulletproof @mystic-232 @talksoprettyjjx @theshyspy @hoodhoran @flaneurcth @conversecake @bubblegum18 @irwin-fletcher-ash @just-here-to-escape-from-reality @1980holland @wiiildflowerrr @hoplessromantic727 @fivesecondsofonedirection @another-lonely-heart @aabc5sauce @dudethisiswhyyoudonthavefriends @fakebetch9694 @5sos-imagine @SunflowerAngel2123 @perfectnouis @in-superbloom @lukeisstillapenguin @sadcupofcoffee @superstarmarvel @personalmuyverypersonal @cnco.angels @vtte @as-hs-blog @himbohood @sofiaaraee @irwindoll @lolzkye @weasleytwinscumslut @ashtonsunflower @nicebasscalum @calumspupils @secretsicanthideanymore @the-ghost-of-ash @alltimepogue @wontlastimokwiththat t @ttinahood @lukespitinmymouth @perfectnouis @cncoangelss @darrensos @whywontyoulovemecami @itwouldburnupintheatmosphere @yeah-and69 @fckingpernico @multistann @averageantichrist @a-darneddarling @tpwkcth @f-mu @kindahumanbutalsoinsane @floweronyourskin @ihavenoideawhattodowithyou @bittersweetb4by @aria-grace-scott @thestarsandtheircoffee @bvbygxrl @luisa180206 @xxxlaura @iamdayanaz

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sokka-simp · 3 years

Text

Please, don’t leave me

Bakugo x reader

Angst

A/N: this kinda reminds me of the song Heart Heart Head by Meg Meyers but not really, idk u should listen to it it’s had a cool ending

Also the fic is not good, I just didn’t write it well enough sorry.

You have a water quirk, but like water bending, and you can blood bend but your against

It’s also the future and you and Bakugo are both pro hero’s

Warning: Death, cursing

You watched as the last man you were fighting went down, his body thumping to the ground causing pride and shame to wash through you. You killed him, but it was for the good of the people, if you hadn’t more lives could have been taken. More innocent bodies could have piled up along the wrecked streets of the neighborhood. More children could have been lost in the rubble of their homes, more parents could be crushed frantically looking for their kids, more pets could be kicked aside by the ruthless villains and so on. The shame slowly lessened as you looked at all the destruction caused by the large group of villains. Your heart ached with a familiar pang of despair for the citizens, but it felt stronger, amplified by the increase in deaths.

You turned in circles, watching heros defeat villains and villains cause your comrades, your friends, to fall. The heros may have been winning, but at what cost? How would you recover from watching everyone fall? How would you go on, come back to the job you love so much, when you’re only reminded of death? Of Sero falling to the ground in a lifeless heap, of Denki, crying from the shame of murder and the loss of friends, but fighting on nonetheless, of Tsuyu gasping for air through the smoke and debris filled sky, of the people you love failing to get back up.

That was a problem for a different time, for now you must continue saving people and taking lives, whether it was what you wanted or not.

And you would be fine, you could get through anything when you’re with Katsuki Bakugo.

Looking around once more, you spotted Katsuki. You watched in awe for a spilt second as he beat the villains charging at them with unrelenting strength. He was turning gracefully in the air, shooting explosions left and right. You quickly made your way to him so you could help with the six villains attacking him. You were almost there when you heard a loud bang. A sound that was uncommon when fighting with quirks. A gun.

The ringing in your ears felts as if your brain was splitting in half. Your head whipped around rapidly, searching for the cause of the gun and who it affected. Wretched thoughts were going through your brain. Who did it hit? Did it hit anyone? Did it hit me? Who shot it? Are my friends ok? Do I have to mourn for more people. Who? Who? Who? Who?

Then you saw the shooter. A villain with a small pistol hanging limply in their weak hand. You thought you saw them, recognized them. Then it hit you, Bakugo “took” down this villain. But if they aren’t dead, who is? Your eyes widen in fear as you turned to see Katsuki holding his stomache. His own eyes wide with confusion. He hadn’t registered the pain yet, the feeling that is sure to come. And out of all the fear you had, for yourself and your friends, this outcome was worse than any other.

You immediately bolted to him. Your feet moving faster than possible, adrenaline rushing through you. Your heart was beating at a rapid pace and you started to shake, blood rushing to your muscles to help you dart to Katsuki. This didn’t feel real. He was gonna be ok. But as you neared his fallen body, you knew he wasn’t.

You fell to your knees next to him, immediately putting your hands on his wound. Pushing to stop the evergrowing flow of warm, crimson blood. It seeped through your fingers and tears began to brim at your eyes. This couldn’t be the end. You wanted to talk, to comfort him, but your throat was choked up and and you couldn’t breath. Air felt as if it wasn’t reaching your lungs anymore. The previous caress of death around you turned into a tidal wave, rough and unrelenting.

“Y/N it’s gonna be ok. Dumbass, look at me.” Bakugos rough voice reached your still ringing ears. Your eyes turned to meet his red ones, the same red as his blood.

“No, bab-“ your voice choked cutting you off mid-sentence. “-y. It’s gonna be ok, you said to yourself. You’re gonna get through this.”

Bakugo’s heart broke at the desperation in your voice. The pure fear and worry. He looked at you solemnly, knowing that he wasnt going to get through this.

“Baby, you know that I’m not gonna get through this. Don’t be a dumbass just cause you’re scared. Got it?” Bakugo wanted you to calm down. Wanted your hand clenching his to stop shaking for one goddamn second, so that he could pretend that you weren’t so scared. So he could pretend that this wasn’t the end. He smiled, trying to ease your fear once more but blood seeped from his lips.

You sobbed out. He was going to die. The most important person in your world was going to die. You still had one hand on his stomach, the other gripping his hand, and you started using your quirk to keep the blood from rushing out so rapidly. You only started using your after an internal battle of whether you should go against your morals or not, not liking to blood bend. But it wasn’t helping, he was still bleeding, the warm, sticky liquid kept rushing passed your hands and quirk-made barrier.

“Y/N, you need to be fucking strong right now. I love you.” Bakugo used more strength to clench your hand tighter.

“I love you so much. Please, you can’t leave me.” You squeezed back even harder.

“Y/N, baby, I’m not leaving you. Just talk to me fucking normally. Known of this dying bullshit. I don’t want to die seeing you like this, please.”

You forced yourself to smile at him, a sad smile that almost caused you to burst into tears. He wasn’t just your boyfriend, he was your best friend. But you would do anything for him, even if all you wanted was to cry and beg every god you could think of to spare him.

“Ok baby,” your voice cracked but you ignored it. “I love you. You did amazing out there fighting. You looked like a badass-“ “I always look like a badass.” You laughed slightly as Bakugo interrupted you, but you could hear his voice constantly becoming more strained. This was the end.

“You sure as hell do. Katsuki, I love you. You’re my best friend.”

“I know that dumbass,” he paused slightly before continuing. “You’re my best friend too. I love you”

You looked into his strong eyes. They were dim now, distant and fleeting. Each breath made the powerful light in his eyes deplete. Blood was dribbling down his chin and his grip on your hand was loosening.

“I love you Y/N.” He said again, tears freely falling from both of your guys eyes after hearing his hidden goodbye.

“I love you too Katsuki” your hand clenched harder, as if you were trying to stop the inevitable. As if trying to stop the last fleeting breath leave through his blood soaked lips. But you can’t.

You watched as his eyes lost the last glint of life. You saw his chest cease to rise. You heard his last breath blow out. You felt his already weak grip loosen completely. And you felt your heart break. You felt your mind crumble. You felt your hand clench hard enough to break Katsuki’s fingers, desperately searching for a reaction. You felt the tears pour down your face in unrelenting waves. Then you felt a scream tear through your throat. It stung and the force made your throat lightly bleed. It shook through your body and everything went silent. The fighting around you stopped momentarily and everyone looked over to you. To try and understand the pain you could be experiencing to make such a horrid noise. A noise that caused everyone who heard it to feel a sliver of your pain.

Something in you snapped and it was evident to everyone. The one person who completed you just died, along with your closest friends. And everyone around you didn’t know what would happen next, but you did.

You turned your head to the villain that shot Katsuki. He shook with fear at your eyes, empty except for pure unbridled rage. You got up from Katsukis body and walked to him. Sticking up your hand up, you controlled his blood, causing his body to stand against its will. He yelped in fear, his weak body struggling against your control. You walked to him and grabbed his throat, squeezing until his face was blue and his hands twitched in yearning to break from your control and claw at your hand, before releasing.

“I’m going to make you feel the pain I’m going to feel. The pain I already fuckinng feel! But see, at least you won’t have to live with yours. Fucking bastard, you’re gonna regret everything you and your fucking group did.” Your eyes were still rage-filled, but something new, something crazy was filling your eyes.

You used your quirk and started slowly taking out blood from his already open wounds. His screams made you feel successful, he would never know the pain you felt but this was close enough. The small, small, part inside of you that wasn’t overtaken with rage and fear was begging you to stop. But you couldn’t.

When he was finally hanging limp and your quirks control on him was weak and indicating that he had no blood left to control, you let him fall into the debris ridden ground with a thump.

And that wasn’t the end. You went on, killing the rest of the villains by exploding their heads from the inside or choking them to death. You had no mercy, you were overtaken. Falling deeper and deeper into a void. The void had no exit, all you could go was down.

When there were no more villains to stop, you feel limp to your knees. Tears flowing down your face, but they were unnoticed to you. All you felt was numb. You crawled over to Katsuki’s body and held him tightly. Hugging you face into his blood soaked chest, you hands stroking his beautiful and once power-filled face. Your thoughts continued to consume you until you felt a hand on your shoulder. You tensed, ready for anything, when you realized it was Kirishima. One of your last remaining friends from your childhood squad.

He pulled you into him and you sobbed, the comfort making you feel even more alone. He brushed his fingers through your hair and your body limped against his. You only now realized how weak you were from overexertion of your quirk. Your tears kept coming down, harder than before, and your breath wasn’t reaching your lungs. This went on until you saw something out of the sides of your eyes, medical professionals going to take away Katsuki’s body.

You tried to burst up but Kirishima held on tighter. There was nothing you could do after all the physical strain that was put on your body. You struggled against him, your body thrashing, trying to reach him. You had to be with him. Your desperate cries hurt everyone’s hearts, and ears, but they had to take him away. They couldn’t leave the number 2 hero on the ground of a fight zone. So you watched as they carried him away.

Something in you was so thoroughly broken, no one could fix it, or at least no alive. Your heart was a void, so big that it would suck away any emotion except pain. Katsuki was gone. Forever. But so we’re you, Y/N L/N was gone. Just a body full of sorrow and yearning. You lost your friends, the only ones left from the bakusquad being Kirishima and Mina. You lost your passion, nothing could fulfill you after this. You lost Katsuki Bakugo. And as these thoughts rolled through your mind, all you could think was-

‘Why did you leave me?’

A/N: I honestly hate this and might delete it soon sorry

158 notes · View notes

7soulstars · 4 years

Text

Emerging of Kalon

Request: I need some new johnny depp fics in my life where I want a reader with insecurities and johnny reassuring her that he loves her the way she is.Maybe she is a bit more chubby than his past gfs and she has to wears glasses.Abd thanx so much for accepting it.

Yooo this imagine is soo important to me. As a person who had a lot of insecurities and has suffered through depression.It is really important for me to spread a certain message to others like me. I have this belief that you aren’t born with insecurities,you are made to have them.Don’t point out things to people that would make them uncomfortable in the long term guys it becomes quite scarring for them and it also makes you a damn bully. Also it is normal to have stretch marks, tummy rolls ,acne, scars ,body hair and all that stuff, Man or Woman or any other gender you identify as.That’s what makes you human.If people can’t accept you for who you are please cut them out of your life.Ya’ll beautiful and I love ya’ll. Hope you like this !!

................

Pairing : Johnny Depp x Reader

Warnings : TW,Nosy people who like putting others down for fun, Signs of depression,Suicide attempt,Angst,Swearing, Fluff, Johnny being the absolute sweetheart he is.

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Kalon ;Latin for ideal beauty in all, physical ,spiritual and moral forms

1.Instigation.

“I still can’t believe THE Johnny Depp went for you after his past ones”,said someone snapping her out of her trance.”Pardon ?”,she asked as if to confirm whether she heard him right . “I mean look at you....His exes were all supermodels weren’t they? Not a single flaw..”,the man guffawed.”Well you have have a micropenis why did your wife choose you?”,her bestfriend snapped crudely making her cringe.”Let’s go Y/N “, Y/BF/N said dragging she out of the restaurant .Well this wasn’t how I wanted college reunion to end up like,thanks Nathan she thought. “Are you alright Y/N ?”, Y/BF/N asked. “Of course”. No I’m not. “It doesn’t bother me at all.” It bothers me too much. “Nathan’s a dick .Don’t let it get to your head EVER”. But he’s right, his words are already in my head. “Yeah...”

2.The disquieting

“Hey glasses ! Looking ugly as always.”

“Look at her hogging like a pig, hey fatty you want more?”

“Darling why don’t you try going on a diet.”

“Don’t watch telly, you’re blind enough already”

“Jason what do you think of Y/N ?” “Damn man she was not even my type”

“Please Stop !”, Y/N woke up with a jerk, breathing in short gasps .”Johnny-”,she stops cutting herself off as she looked at the empty looked at the empty side on her bed. He isn’t in the country she remembered . Silence. She stared at the framed picture of them together on the wall. Plip. A tear fell. Plip Plip. Two more,before she couldn’t control it any more. The past wouldn’t change.She knew it would haunt her forever. But they had stopped for a while. But since Nathan ,it came back harder than ever. She didn’t tell Johnny, she’d never tell him , the last thing she wanted to do is to become a larger burden. So she cried herself to sleep every single day.

3.Repressing

Y/BF/N frowned as she looked at Y/N’s lunch. “Since when do you eat salads ?Hell,that isn’t even salad it’s just *ugh* lettuce....”,she says looking at the leafy stuff with absolute disgust. Y/N looked at her as if she did not understand what she was saying “I love salads,you know what? I’m not that hungry.....better get back to work! See you later!”,she said leaving as she didn’t even let the other speak. Starving, Hurting, Looking into the mirror and hating herself. The cycle continued.This was going to be dangerous in the days to come and she knew that too.

4.Avoiding

6 missed calls from Mom

19 missed calls and 87 messages from Y/BF/N

40 missed calls and 150 messages from Johnny

3 notifications from Twitter.

No one had seen her in 4 days .The telly changed channels at Johnny’s apartment .Things scattered around as a trembling hand set down the remote . Fat tears dampened the pillow as her eyes read the news headline. ‘Johnny Depp at a dinner date with ex wife Vanessa ? Is he finally done with his simple girlfriend ?’

5. Falling

This was it.She ended up the way she predicted she’d end up 10 years ago. Weak,Tired,Empty and Lonely. She stared at the bathtub as it filled itself until it was overfilled,water spilling out of its sides as it splashed onto her feet. She didn’t flinch at the coldness.She stayed robotically still, looking down at her palm. A blade. Without hesitating she got into the tub,the tap still running. She didn’t think anymore,tears wouldn��t fall even if they wanted to. She closed her eyes as she let her self go ,ignoring the frantic ringing of her phone and the banging on the apartment door.

6. Alerting

To say Johnny was concerned was an underestimation.Y/N wasn’t picking up his phone since several days .He was distracted, couldn’t concentrate and worry filled his entire existence.He didn’t know what to do,even going as far as asking his ex wife for advice.He decided to go back ,back to his girlfriend’s loving arms.

The moment he stepped back into the city he took his time.Picking out her favourie flowers ,the chocolate she always loved and a little something of importance. He ignored the notifications is phone was chiming with, his mind only full of thoughts of her....The thoughts were short lived , disturbed much to Johnny’s dismay by Y/BF/N’s call. He ignored once,ignored twice but after that he knew something was wrong.”Johnny !”, panicked voice spoke through the phone. A frown replacing the man’s smile “Did Y/N text you that absurd note too?” “No,wait Y/BF/N let me check”,he put the call on hold as his eyes skimmed over the words displayed on his screen. His phone now dropped on the car floor he wished all of it was a dream.They stopped as he stormed out, back to his apartment. He knocked wildly on the door but not a voice came nor a cackle. He threw his body on the door several times ,”Goddamitt Y/N OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR DON’T PLAY WITH ME RIGHT NOW !”.In his panicked feat he had forgotten he had the keys until they dropped out of his jacket pocket.He didn’t wait a moment as he fumbled it into the key hole ,kicking the door open as soon as it opened.

Silence.

Splosh . The sound of water hitting the ground from the bathroom echoed in the whole house.

“Y/N ?”, Johnny softly whispered as he pushed open the bathroom door. A horrific scene unfolded before him.

7.Mourning

It had been two days and Johnny wouldn’t budge.He saw red that day and the site still wouldn’t leave his thoughts alone.He would neither eat,nor sleep as he sat beside his beloved girlfriend who lay on a hospital bed. Dark Enough by Amanda played on the radio. The text message, and the talk with Y/BF/N replayed in his head as if war replayed in a retired soldiers dreams. “I didn’t know you were hurting that bad”,he whispered, tears threatening to fall again. He place his head on her stomach as he let the silent tears fall,until her hand fell on top of his head.

8.Resuscitation

Johnny jerked up ,his eyes as wide as saucers, as he froze with eyes full of pain and hurt.Y/N did not dare meet his gaze.She felt ashamed and disgusted. But those feelings were immediately replaced with shock as Johnny almost lunged at her,hugging her tight. “I was so scared I was so fucking scared when I saw that text and then you drowning in the red water filled in the bathtub ! I thought you’d left me ! I thought you died you weren’t breathing...How dare you think of yourself that way how dare you think you were not good enough !? You were the best fucking thing that happened to me since my kids goddammit !”. Y/N had never seen Johnny this mad.Hell, she had never even seen him cry. She didn’t know how to answer him, she was too ashamed.He wouldn’t break the hug, as if he would loose her if he did. He loved her too much. “Why ?”,he asked again,as if he was begging for an answer. Even a word. He just wanted to hear her voice. “I was scared...”,her voice cracked coming out much broken than she predicted. “ I didn’t think I deserved you, I thought I’d never reach the levels of those beautiful actresses and models.I was scared to tell you about my past..I was scared to bother you...”. Johnny’s heart broke. He never thought his Y/N would think that way. She was always smiling .Not even a little frown on her face. Always there for everyone. Yet no one comforted her. How could he never see it? Of course he couldn’t see it she was perfect to him.His Y/N was the most perfect person in the world. “I love you”, he blurted. He never said that.He was too shy. But he hugged her tighter ,” I love you so much. Even with scars,insecurities or that ugly face you make when you see things you do not like. You were, have and always will be the most perfect to me. Please....don’t do that again...”

9.Emergence

Y/N was discharged from the hospital in a few days. Johnny wouln’t leave her side. All his attention would be on her to see if ate well, and loved herself. Y/N felt safe. And she wasn’t wrong . Johnny was everything she deserved.

They sat on the rooftop of a cafe in Paris. A calm silence passing over them. “Y/N ?” ,Johnny asked. “Hmm?”,she hummed along, silence entailing after. ”Marry me ?”,he asked. That was the day Y/N was the most happiest, and did the beautifully emerged Kalon say yes? you’d ask. She said it without a second to spare. After all our Kalon had found her wings.

“No one is born ugly, we’re just born in a judgemental society”~ Kim Namjoon(BTS)

----The End----

Whew ! After all the procrastination and time I took brainstorming this baby is done! This was requested by the wonderful @anycsirp I really really hope you liked this ! Also I meant what I said before the start of this oneshot . YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. PERIODT. Please do like and comment your opinions! I really hope to read em ! I’m not that great of a writer but I did my best !

~Love, Hri

#johnny depp fan fiction #johnny depp imagine #johnny depp x reader #johnny depp x y/n #johnny depp x you #fanfiction #request #ask hri #send asks #imagines #self love #insecurity #love yourself #kim namjoon #kalon

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versegm · 3 years

Text

The first thing you’re aware of is fire.

The fever rakes your body like boiling oil in your veins. The ground feels freezing cold beneath you compared to the summer locked in your lungs. You exhale, and your breath almost burns your lips.

You open your eyes.

“... Ah. I got lost again, didn’t I?”

The night sky greets you, pitch black pierced by a thousand stars. None of the constellations you see are familiar. Striking by its size and color, a blue planet stands among them.

You’re back on the Moon. Where all lost and forgotten things lay.

You sit up. Your limbs are trembling. It doesn’t hurt, though. You suspect that you might be dreaming- as much as servants dream, obviously. It’s harder to feel pain when one doesn’t have a body.

Your chest burns. Your everything burns. It’s a familiar fire, something you know you’ve encountered in the past. But when you blink, all you can picture is smoke, with no additional context. You cannot remember.

“Okay, so.” There’s no one here for you to talk to, of course. But talking out loud helps you keep track of your thoughts. Better track than when you keep quiet, if anything. “What’s the last thing I was doing?”

You look down. You’re wearing your usual armor. You flex your hands. They’re empty.

“I think I was hanging a light string. I was up a ladder. Siegfried was telling me to be careful.” You tilt your head. “So I was in Chaldea. And we had a reason to celebrate. Perhaps a birthday?” … No, you don’t think that was it. “A holiday, then?”

Ah! There! You clap your hands. “Christmas! It was for Christmas!” You love Christmas! Much lights! Much noise! It’s great! It’s like the world aligns with the inside of your head for a week.

“So I was hanging light strings for Christmas with Siegfried, and then I…” You pause. Frown. “I…”

…

You draw a blank there.

Huh. Well, no need to cry over it. You’ll remember in time. You usually do. In the meantime, you should probably get going. You’ve never shaken your memory up by sitting around.

You get up and start walking. Your legs are trembling. You feel weak. You feel hot. You walk past the prayers and wishes sent by sinners to God, past the ancient glory of the Assyrians, past the favors princes gift their subjects. You are so small, among these mountains of unrecorded history and unsated desires. They’ve only grown bigger since the last time you’ve come.

You reach the river. It’s unchanged. It is, after all, one of the few things even magic can’t alter easily.

The antelope, though, is new.

“Hi there!” You wave. Small. Short fur. Brown body, a black stripe on the flanks. White belly. White face. Two black stripes down its eyes like tears. It’s a springbok. (Or rather, it appears to be a springbok. On the Moon, more literally than on Earth, nothing is as it looks like. You wonder if you look like a human to others, here. Maybe you’re actually a bird, or a gust of wind. Reckless and free.)

The animal startles, turning her head towards you with fright- but she does not back away. She stares. You stare.

Slowly, she bows her head.

You do the same. It’s only polite. “So, are you lost too? I don’t remember how I got there. I think the underworld sickness sent me here, but honestly, I’m kinda guessing randomly here.”

Oh! The underworld! That’s right! That was the last time you felt this heat, when you wandered into Hell. You didn’t need a coat for the next few winters after that.

The springbok, being a springbok, doesn’t answer. She does, however, lowers her head, and tries to push something with her nose. Square. Thick. A clay tablet.

You get closer and pick it up. It’s a lot heavier than it looks. Perhaps your illness is making you weaker, but you have an inkling as to what that tablet is. If you’re right, that’d explain why it weights so much.

You flip the tablet. There is something carved on the other side. The alphabet is too old for you to know it. You can’t read it, but you know what it is.

“You know, last time, I met an old man here.” You say. You wonder if the springbok can actually understand you. “He was carrying stone tablets like these. The names of the recently deceased. Their name, and history, and identity, and everything. He carried them here, and threw them in the river. And then he went to pick up more tablets, and do it again.”

The antelope pokes your leg with her snout. You think she wants her tablet back. You ignore her and turn towards the water.

“Do you know what this is? It's the flow of time. The literal flow of time. When a name falls in there, it erodes. Becomes smoother. Until it’s not readable anymore. Until no one remembers that person anymore.” You smile. “That’s what I was told, anyway. I’m afraid my guide is long dead, too.”

The springbok makes a noise you could almost interpret as frustrated. You run your fingers over the writing on the tablet. “Is this your name?” Quite a life she must have led! For it to be so heavy. Did she burn bright, or did she burn long? You wish you could have a proper conversation with her, now. That sounds so interesting!

The gazelle is growing even more agitated now. She’s biting at your pant legs, pulling. She’s surprisingly strong. Still, you stand your ground. “If you’re not lost. Did you come here on purpose? Did you come here to be forgotten?”

The springbok lets go of you. For a few seconds, she doesn’t move. Your heart sinks.

Then she kicks you.

You stumble forward. You manage to catch yourself on your hands before your face hits the ground. But the tablet slips out of your grasp. It slips, and it rolls, and-

“No!”

You throw yourself on the river bank and plunge your arms into the water up to the elbow, tablet. deep catch . water pull .

ground back, . springbok , instead of as you feared, with concern.

“Hold on. My thoughts are. All over the place.” . “I’m missing. Bits. I need to talk. I can keep it straight if I keep talking.”

The springbok concerned noise pokes your with its soft . You would her, but arms feel like .

You peer down.

Oh.

Your arms are missing . It’s. Not good to look at. Raw exposed without to protect it. It’s a good thing is a dream. This would be to heal in real , not to mention painful.

“Sorry. Sorry. Couldn’t let you do that.” The tablet heavy in your arms. “Someone still remembers you, right? It’s not fair of you to force the wheels of time to speed up just for you. They should get to mourn you properly! You can’t just take it away from them. That’s rude. And painful. And, honestly, this wouldn’t even work well. Take it from an expert at forgetting things! One may not always remember people or names, but feelings are forever. If there’s still someone out there preventing you from being forgotten, removing your name from history won’t take away their grief.”

You wonder expression the gazelle is making. Your sight is getting blurry. Note to self, don’t play with time! It messes you up real bad! Real bad! Don’t do it.

“Anyway. No more of that. Let yourself get forgotten normally, like the rest of us. No cheating.” You close your eyes. “Or get remembered, and live with it. Whichever is your lot.”

You feel sleepy. You feel tired.

You feel a little less hot.

“Sorry. I guess that’s what I was brought there to do? Or maybe time’s just up for this particular dream.” You chuckle. “I mean it, though. No more of that, alright? Else I’ll have to come back again! I’ll get lost as many times as it takes to lend you a hand.”

You feel soft fur on your cheek.

You fall asleep.

You wake up in Chaldea.

You feel restless and warm. A plague struck Chaldea, you’re told. But it’s okay. The master dealt with it already. We can go back to Christmas. We can go back to celebrating.

Your forearms itch.There’s moondust all over your skin.

You can’t remember what you did.

You shrug. Hopefully, it was something good. Most likely, you were the sole witness of your actions, so you suppose it doesn’t really matter.

You head towards the cafeteria. You heard the master brought a couple more servants back from this whole adventure. You wonder who is this year’s Santa! Oh, maybe Cu Alter? He seems to be the only alter who didn’t-

You freeze in the doorway.

Blonde hair. Humanoid. Very obviously divine. Nothing about this stranger is even remotely reminiscent of antelopes. Yet, for a second, barely a blink- you see a springbok standing there.

Her skin is glistening with moondust, too.

Oh, my.

#fate #fate grand order #fgo #astolfo #ereshkigal #merry christmas in the underworld #my writing #memory loss tw #to be safe

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pheonixfire4015 · 3 years

Text

Elliot and Oliva- Something I felt I just needed to say....

No one may see or read this but I thought I would write it for myself, to get it out of my head, and in case someone out there is like me and reading this makes them feel less alone in their struggle. Over the years I watched SVU and related to it deeply due to the trauma I had experienced in life. After Chris left the show and I saw continuous trauma being done to Liv I just couldn’t continue watching. When I saw that Chris was returning, I came back. There was one scene that was really triggering for me- it was difficult. In order to explain why it was I need to give some background.

When I was young, I was placed into a foster home. Due to the trauma from my upbringing, I had never had an emotional connection to my own parents. When I moved into the first foster home it was like a dream come true. I never imagined I would ever be lucky enough to get a second chance at being a part of a family. Every night I thanked God, because I knew how many kids are in foster care. They offered to adopt me and I so desperately wanted to be a part of them. I opened my heart up to the mom in a way I had never opened up to anyone before. So that mom bond I never had with by biological mom I developed with the foster mom. However, they didn’t realize that when a child has trauma there is a lot of things you have to work through. Sadly, the system does not prepare family’s enough for what it will be like. With most foster care kids you may run into kids with severe issues… some struggle to connect to others, some lash out in severe anger or bad behaviors, struggle developmentally, etc. The only issue I had was I was developmentally behind, I didn’t know how to communicate, and I had a lot of memories and experiences I had to work through. I was like an 80 year old in a kids body. I was a good kid. I didn’t have any friends and never once got into trouble. For years I got to experience family meals, movie nights, having someone tuck me in at night with hugs and kisses, I had someone to talk to, I was safe, I would be held and loved, they wanted to adopt me- I was worth fighting for, ect. I began counseling. I worked hard because I wanted to show the family I would and could get better, that I would be healed. It was hard as hell but I did it. However, as time went on I noticed that the mom was pulling away and lashing out at me. As a kid I didn’t understand it at the time. So I tried harder. But no matter how hard I tried she just kept pulling away. She explained to the counselor that all I came with was too much and listening to past trauma made her feel helpless as she couldn’t fix that. She explained her kids were jealous and that her husband no longer wanted me there- as I was taking time away from him and their biological kids. Eventually they decided they didn’t want me apart of their family and no longer wanted me to live with them. I was then placed into a new family, a family I didn’t want to go to.

I cannot express in words how deeply that experience affected me- how badly it messed with my head. Going into adulthood I was so willfully unprepared for life. I was lost and alone. In my upbringing there was physical and sexual abuse, I was surrounded by substance abuse, and my mom left when I was 11. I can honestly say that the harm and pain caused by that foster family choosing to leave far outweighed the pain my own parents caused me. I wanted to die. To finally feel like you belong, to be loved, and held, and safe and then have it pulled away. Its like dangling a carrot in front of a starving animal. The hole and void it left has never left me. It hurt so bad I felt I was physically dying. I am 38 now and I have gone through a lot of counseling. I have a different perspective now but to this day the hole, the wound they left remains. Due to health issues I don’t have kids and am not married. As protection for the most part I stick to myself. There are still triggers- places, smells, and sounds that bring things up so I do my best. I still live in the same town and have run into her in stores. It was like mourning the death of someone who is still alive. They went back to their normal lives leaving me with less than I had, and taking with them the part of my heart I gave them. It’s something I have learned I will have to live with for the rest of my life. And I will forever have to live with all the implications of what it means to have a family decide they now longer want you.

When Elliot was written off the show, seeing Liv go through that experience was so triggering for me. It was TV but real, so deeply real for me. I just couldn’t do it, I couldn’t watch anymore. There was a scene in the reunion with Fin and Elliot. Fin states, “It took Liv a minute but she eventually moved on.” People have no concept when you’re dealing with major trauma in your background and you let someone in and trust them, losing the one stolid support is earth shattering. Liv had never known family until Elliot came into her life. So, the minute Fin said that line I said out loud, “Bullshit, she moved on.” I paused the episode and went for a walk. The pain of Elliot leaving left a void in her she had just learned to live with. That didn’t mean that every day she didn’t hope he would choose to come back, that she didn’t ache for closure. When Liv said “Elliot, you were the most, single most important person in my life and you just disappeared.” I felt it all the way to my bones, I got it with every fiber of my being. Every day I hoped they would come back, realize they made a mistake, that they loved me, that I was worth fighting. Every day I hoped the mom would wake up and realize the mistake she made and reach out. Even to this day its there, so you just learn to cope with those feelings, always there under the surface. I dream about them, think about them, etc. It will never leave me.

Watching a fictional character get the chance to do and say what she needed for closure- knowing I probably never would, was hard. I understand this is a show and they have to keep viewers watching every week but I just hope they do this right. As they have no idea the people watching who have actually endured these traumas in real life. I long to see Oliva get the chance at some peace in her life, to experience family. I wrote a fic recently “Peace in the midst of the storm” because I just needed to write the full conversation I hope or wish Elliot and Olivia would have. I hope Elliot and Olivia end up together, I really do. I’d love to see both of them go into counseling, and finally work through shit instead of continuing to bury it as it festers. I’d love the end scene of SVU to be Liv sit in the backyard of her own small home with Elliot next to her, watching her son play. There’s enough evil and trauma and pain enough in this world. I just hope Dick Wolf does having Chris back justice! This show has been important for a lot of people who have endured hell in their lifetimes, but weirdly its healing to see some good coming to those who have struggled- namely Olivia- even if she isn’t real. If you are watching SVU and you are in the same boat as me. I pray all the blessings and peace for the remainder of your days! Heres to hoping we get a beautiful SVU and E/O outcome :). Thanks for hearing me out.

#svu #elliot stabler #elliot and olivia #olivia benson #bensler #dick wolf #nbc #mariska hargitay #chris meloni #triggering

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deja-you · 3 years

Text

The RMS Titanic (and other ships that pass in the night)

t. jefferson x reader

part ten | the secrets that didn’t go down with the ship

summary: you know your relationship with Thomas will only be a fleeting memory, but you allow your lives to collide nonetheless.

word count: 1.8k

a/n: this chapter is going to be a bit darker than the rest of the series, I’ve added warnings in the tags.

masterlist | series masterlist | previous | next

He knows exactly when to begin.

It was late spring when his father takes him to their house on the ocean. They used to come up more with the whole family when Thomas was younger, but with him studying at Georgetown and his father working in D.C., it’s only the two of them traveling up together.

Most of their relationship has been unspoken, Peter Jefferson is a rather charismatic man, but he doesn’t have much to say to his son. There is the expectation that Thomas does well in school – because heaven forbid he somehow manages to soil the family name, but for the most part, this all goes unspoken.

The drive up is rather pleasant, but things start taking a turn for the worse around dinner. Thomas is eating quietly and flipping through a book he’s read multiple times when his father slams his phone onto the table in an aggravated huff. Cutlery clatters across the table onto the floor, and Thomas’s eyes are pulled away from the pages of his book. Peter gets up from where he is sitting, pushing himself back from the table rather aggressively, and leaves to his own room without another word to his son.

Thomas blinks a few times, processing what just happened. In his fit of anger, Peter has left his phone sitting on the table. Thomas eyes the device for a moment before sliding it closer to himself to read the contents. A headline reads: Senator Peter Jefferson drops further in the polls as the senate race draws closer.

By the way Peter Jefferson acts in public, nobody would suspect that the veteran incumbent was worried about losing his seat at all. Thomas had watched a number of interviews himself where his father had flippantly told a reporter he wasn’t concerned about his opponent. His tone was so calm and light-hearted, Thomas would have believed him if he hadn’t first-hand seen his father’s frustrations in private.

The last time he had visited home, his father hadn’t come to greet him at all. Thomas’s mother welcomed him into the house with a warm meal and the two of them spoke softly of school. When Thomas noted the liquor supply that had been recently drained, his mother avoided his gaze and was quick to change the subject. But his father was doing better now, Thomas had been told. It had been Peter Jefferson’s suggestion, after all, to take the trip to the house by the sea.

Peter Jefferson goes to his room and never reemerges the rest of the evening. Thomas decides he’ll turn in early as well. Thomas pretends he doesn’t hear the glass shattering in his father’s room – it must be the bottle of bourbon Peter Jefferson keeps in his room as a nightcap. This isn’t the first thing he’s heard from his father’s room that he pretends not to hear, Thomas has learned how to be a splendid caretaker of his father’s secrets.

The poll results twist in Thomas’s head all night and he wonders what kind of spiral they will send his father into this time. Because of this, he doesn’t sleep well, and this is probably why he hears his father shuffling around the house in the early hours of the morning. Checking his watch, he sees it’s barely past five in the morning. Thomas quietly slides out of bed, his bare feet pad across the cold floor, and he pulls his door open just enough for him to peek out.

Outside the window, Peter Jefferson comes walking up the dock to the house, his eyebrows furrowed with determination as he slams the garden gate behind him harder than necessary. Peter stalks through the house and Thomas can hear him digging through draws in the study. The sailboat is waiting anxiously at the dock, as if it knows it is going to be put to use. Thomas feels it, too, and maybe curiosity killed the cat, but he knows this won’t kill him. He shrugs a sweater on quickly and silently makes his way out of the house, across the dock, and onto the sailboat. Thomas climbs down the companionway and conceals himself under a large blanket in the cabin of the boat. Then he waits.

It’s only for a few minutes, but Thomas is too tentative to check his watch, so it feels like hours. His legs are beginning to cramp and he decides he should get off the boat, a waste of time, really. Plus, he’s tired. It’s still five in—

He freezes when he hears footsteps on the dock. When the footsteps reach the boat and he hears his father climbing down to the cabin, Thomas throws the blanket over his head again and he thinks it a great stroke of luck the lower deck has always been so dark. Peter Jefferson doesn’t spend much time in the cabin. He places a pistol on the tabletop, climbs up to the top deck, and casts off into open waters.

Thomas can’t do anything but stare at the gun that was placed a few inches away from his hiding spot. He had no idea his father was even in possession of the object, and his mind was racing to find reasons for its use on his father’s spontaneous sailing trip.

They sail for what seems like miles away from the coast until Thomas hears his father pulling the sails down. The boat doesn’t stop rocking against the waves, but they aren’t moving at a breakneck pace like before. A set of footsteps, again, and Peter Jefferson reenters the cabin, grabs the pistol from the counter, and climbs back on deck.

Thomas stares at the spot where the pistol had been placed for a moment too long; he almost feels guilty for hesitating so long. Then there’s a rush of stumbling movements. Thomas untangles himself from his hiding spot and trips up the companionway stairs. His father stands on the other side of the sailboat by the time Thomas gets to the top, examining the pistol in his hands slowly.

“Dad,” Thomas says weakly, but he’s loud enough for Peter to turn and face him.

Peter is hardly shocked when he sees Thomas, merely raising an eyebrow at his son. It’s frightening to Thomas and calm and decided his father is in this moment. “You shouldn’t be here, Thomas. Go back below deck, you don’t need to be involved.”

Thomas ignores this, his hands are shaking at his sides and he doesn’t dare take a step closer. “Can we just go home? Please, you don’t need to do this.”

“I do. You understand that I can’t live with myself anymore, don’t you, Thomas?”

“Please put down the gun.”

Peter smiles sickeningly, looking down at the gun and then pointing it at Thomas. “This one? There are enough bullets for the both of us. If you’re anything like me, you can have a shot at it once I’m through.”

Peter turns the barrel of the gun toward himself and Thomas feels the urgency to speak again. “What about mom? You’re going to do this to her?”

“This is for her, Thomas. At least in part. We both know she’ll be better off without me.”

“What are you talking about?”

Peter clicked his tongue and shook his head. “I hoped you would be smarter than this. You know what I’m referring to, son.”

Thomas swallows thickly and all the things he’s tried to ignore fit into his father’s cryptic little puzzle. The hands that grip the pistol are the same ones that have left black and blue markings along his mother’s neck and face. Thomas is just as observant as his father hopes, and he’s noticed the way his mother flinches when his father places a hand on her back.

“Dad,” Thomas says softly.

Peter’s malicious smile falters. He looks at the gun in his hand, then to the lack of emotion in his son’s eyes. “You want me to do this, don’t you?”

Thomas’s mouth parts and he shakes his head. “No, I—”

“You do. You think this is for the best, you hate me, don’t you?” Peter doesn’t sound hurt, just curious. “What for? For your mother? For making you leave your sweetheart? For controlling your life? For leaving you with my mess?”

Peter watches his son carefully, the way Thomas sets his jaw and stares down at the boat beneath his feet says everything.

“Ah,” Peter says, “for all of it, then.”

Thomas still doesn’t say anything. He would be a horrible person to admit all this in the state his father was in, but he couldn’t bring himself to lie and say that he didn’t harbor any hatred for the crimes his father had committed. He stays silent.

“Tell you what, Thomas, you tell me not to, and I won’t. Say the word, and I’ll hand over the pistol. We can sail home and never talk about this again. Tell me you don’t want me dead, and we go home,” Peter says.

Finally. The easy out Thomas has been looking for. This nightmare can finally come to an end! Thomas opens his mouth to tell his father exactly what he’s been saying before and – …no words come out. In his very last atrocious act, Peter Jefferson has given his son the power to make a decision that he knows his son won’t be able to live with. Peter Jefferson knew the decision Thomas would make when he made the offer; it was never really Thomas’s choice.

“I thought so,” Peter says. His last words to his son aren’t meaningful or poetic, they’re rather instructional. There’s no heartfelt goodbye, just simple directions of what to do with the boat after. Who Thomas needed to call after. What to tell his mom after.

And then after comes.

For the last time ever, Thomas does what his father asks of him. He sails the boat back into the dock, calls a close friend of his father’s, and the whole thing is wrapped up rather quickly. The next morning the “accident” is printed in the papers, and the mourning and the funeral follow quickly after that. A month goes by and then everything returns to normal.

Thomas returns to Georgetown as if nothing has changed. Everyone pretends that nothing has changed; no one even mentions the late Senator. Not until you apologize to Thomas in your own quiet way in the library, and it’s the first time Thomas feels anything since the sailboat.

So he thinks maybe this is something he can tell you. When he takes you to the house on the ocean, you figure out half of it on your own, he thinks maybe he won’t even have to tell you. Thomas realizes he’s wrong when you wait for him out in the rain. It breaks his heart when you ask him not to tell you, because he knows that this must be a goodbye. It is goodbye.

But with all goodbyes between you and Thomas, there is an unspoken for now added to the end, and you show up in his house in Paris years later. This time you want to know the truth.

tag list:

@farihafangirls @drreamhugs @id-do-it-for-free-babe @einfachniemand @sillyteecup @ohsoverykeri @lanaisjefferson @hamildork @veritasnvirtue @exrthangel

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fly-flower-fanfics · 4 years

Text

Death Do Us Part

Julian Devorak x Male Reader

Warnings: Mentions death

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My heart raced in my chest. All the ‘excitement’ from today was finally reaching up to me. I sat on the dock and cried. Heart-wrenching sobs were pulled from my chest as I broke down. I had to watch Julian be hanged today. There was nothing I could’ve done. I tried and tried and tried again, but I had failed.

I fucking failed. I couldn’t prove his innocence by the time of the hanging. Of all the times I needed someone, it was right now. And right now, I couldn’t have the someone that always saved me from going under. It was all or nothing, and I had nothing. Nothing at all. I wasn’t even allowed to save an article of his clothing. It was driving me crazy.

I had Julian in my life because he was someone that kept me stable. After everything that happened, after finding out what really happened to me, after finding out things about my past, about my family, what I had done, Julian was always there in the end. He helped heal me, and I could heal him. I needed that. It made me feel useful.

But now it was too late. I couldn’t heal him. I wasn’t a strong enough magician to bring him back from the dead. I didn’t even know if I could do that anyway.

I wrapped my arms around myself against the cool breeze that began to blow. I had been here for a few hours now, and the sun was starting to set. Julian normally would’ve been sitting here on the docks with me with a magic spell on him to make him unrecognizable. I needed him as someone to have and to hold.

“I guess I kinda liked the way you numbed all my pain, Jules,” I whispered to the sea. Even when I was truly down in the dumps and heartbroken, Julian was always there for me. When Asra rejected my feelings for him, Julian was there to pick me up after that fall. It took me ages to realize that he had feelings for me, and soon, I began to return them.

The sun set further in the sky, nightfall surely on the edge of peeking its head out. “You’re not here Jules... not here to help me through this one, are ya?” I gave an empty laugh. “Funny... you promised that you’d always be there for me, and now that I need you, you aren’t here.”

I wanted to jump off the dock and into the water and just allow myself to drown. I’m drowning in my feelings anyway, and I have no one to turn to. I could turn to Asra, as he was a close friend of mine and the only friend I had had for a long time, but it didn’t feel like he could do anything to help me out right now.

My boots barely skimmed the surface of the water. Julian’s used to go about an inch in the water. He was always so much taller than I. The memory pulled new tears from my eyes, and I watched them drip into the ocean below me.

I heard footsteps on the dock behind me, but I didn’t bother to turn around. A familiar scent filled my nose as Asra sat down beside me.

“I thought I would find you here.”

I didn’t say anything. What was I supposed to tell him that he didn’t already know? He eventually found out my feelings for Julian after I moved on from Asra, but I was never confronted about it. Yet I think it went without saying that he knew I never confessed my love for Julian. Though Julian never outright told me he loved me either, I could sense it.

“What am I going to do, Asra?” I whispered quietly. “I don’t have any way to bring him back. I-I never told him. I never told him how I felt. I never told him what he means to me. And it’s all too late. It’s too late to tell him.”

Fresh tears dripped down my cheeks as I turned to Asra. His eyes were soft and understanding. Faust slithered from his scarf and into my lap. She looked up at me, her eyes mirroring Asra’s.

“What do I do?”

Asra offered me a hand, which I greatly took. “Just come with me.”

“Where are we going?” I asked as I stood with him.

“Back to the Palace.”

“Asra, you know I don’t want to be around anyone right now... I just want to grieve by myself... can’t you understand that?”

Asra offered me a sad, soft smile. “Just trust me one more time, okay, Y/N? Can you do that for me?”

I nodded and followed silently as we made our way back to the Palace.

I didn’t try and make small talk and neither did Asra. Faust stayed wrapped around my shoulders for comfort. It was nice to have them with me, but I didn’t really want to be with them. Sure, I loved them, but I wanted to be alone. And I thought at the docks I could be. But apparently not so much.

My mind reeled all over again as the realization that I’d never see Julian again hit me. I’d never see his signature smile and smirk again. I’d never see him wink at me again. I’d never see the glowing mark on his neck again.

Asra seemed to sense my thoughts and gave my hand a squeeze. I really did trust Asra, but whatever he’s taking me to see better be worth it. I didn’t want to go to the Palace at all. I just wanted to crawl into bed and never wake up.

My Julian was gone. My Julian wasn’t going to be around anymore. My Julian... wasn’t even really mine. The thought weighed heavy in my heart.

Never again will I hesitate in anything because I’ll never know when the end is truly near. I waited too long with Julian, and I regret that. I’ll have to live with that every day of my life now.

Asra only continued to give my hands occasional squeezes and stayed silent. He was always mysterious like that. Sometimes it irked me, but that was Asra, and Asra was going to continue to do what Asra does.

The Palace came into view and I grimaced slightly. I didn’t want to go in there. Painful memories of Julian and I sneaking around filtered into my head, causing new tears to blur my vision. Hastily, I wiped them away. I wouldn’t let Asra see me cry again. I hated crying in front him in the first place.

The guards let us in without another word. We passed basically no one in the halls. The Palace seemed to be empty, not that I was complaining.

Asra took me to Julian’s bedroom door, making me suck in a breath. What in the world did he want me here for? What was I supposed to do? Was this another magic thing to help me solve the case?

“Asra, I don’t want to go in there,” I said softly. “I-I can’t handle that right now...”

“You can,” Asra replied in a hushed tone, matching my own. “Just trust me. I’ll stay out here if you wish. I’ll make sure nothing bad will happen. You have my word.”

I hesitated before giving a small nod. Asra had always had my back whenever I needed it, and right now I needed that. I opened the door and stepped in, closing it gently behind me.

Julian laid peacefully on the bed, looking like he was just sleeping. I turned away. Asra brought me back here for what? To see Julian’s body? For final goodbyes? Bullshit. I already said my goodbyes in person to him. I was allowed a brief visit to him before the execution, which I didn’t stay to watch.

Tears overwhelmed me, and I choked on my breath. “Asra, you idiot,” I muttered under my breath. “I don’t need this.”

I heard the bed creak behind me, and I turned around, curiosity getting the better of me. That was when Julian gasped, his eye flashing open, and he sat up.

I was startled and shocked, to say the least. My mouth opened and closed, trying to form words, but none would make it past my lips.

“Do you know how hard it is to hold your breath like that? Not moving?” He pulled his gloves back on, wiggling his fingers. “Hard, my dear, quite difficult.”

Was this an illusion? A dream? Some sort of magic Asra never taught me? I walked over to Julian slowly. He smiled up at me, his signature smile. Nothing could imitate that. This had to be Julian. But how was he here? I didn’t understand.

I promptly slapped him on the shoulder, folding my arms across my chest.

“Ouch! Hey, that smarts. What gives?”

“What gives? You just pretended to be dead right in front of me! I mourned first you. Was this planned all along? And you didn’t even have the gall to tell me about it?” I was mad, but I found it harder to stay mad the longer the situation burned. Julian was alive again.

“I-I’m sorry, Y/N,” he said, and he sounded sincere about it. “I thought it better if you didn’t know. I didn’t want you to get your hopes up in case it didn’t work.”

“That wasn’t your choice to make, Jules,” I answered softly. “You can’t always protect me... I’m a big boy; I can handle myself.” I trailed a finger down his cheek, allowing him to lean into my touch.

“I was scared,” he mumbled. “I didn’t want you to worry about me.”

I nearly scoffed. “Oh, yeah, the man I’m in love with was going to be hanged, and I’m supposed to not worry about you. Bullshit, Julian. Bull. Shit.” My hand fell from his face, and I sighed.

“You love me...”

I looked down at him before quickly avoiding his gaze. “We’re not on that. I’m-I’m still mad at you for not telling me.”

Julian stood up and laid a finger under my chin, tilting my head to look at him. “But I’m on it now. And you told me you loved me. How interesting.”

I rolled my eyes and pushed him back. This caused him to fall back onto the bed with a heavy thud. I laughed at that. Julian grabbed my hand and pulled me down on top of him, making me laugh even more.

“Stop it! I’m mad at you,” I said, playfully hitting him on the chest.

Julian’s arms rested loosely around my waist. “You can’t stay mad at me.”

Unfortunately, he was right. I never could stay mad at him long, and especially not now. Not after he was alive again. Not after his hanging. Not after all of this. I couldn’t stay mad.

Yet tears welled up in my eyes anyway. Julian’s expression turned to one of worry. As tears rolled down my cheeks, I hid my face in his neck.

“I thought you were gone forever, Jules,” I whispered. “I thought I’d never see you again. I thought my goodbyes that I said would be the last time I’d ever see you. I couldn’t stand for the hanging. I couldn’t see you being hanged. I couldn’t bear to let myself live through that.”

Julian held me tight against him, leaning his head toward mine to give me some sort of comfort. “Oh, doll face, I’m sorry. I-I didn’t realize how...” He trailed off, shaking his head lightly.

I pushed myself up a bit and wiped my eyes before looking at him. “But you’re here. You’re here now.” I pressed a light kiss onto his cheek. “Please don’t leave me again...”

“Death cannot even keep me from you, my dear. I don’t intend to leave you again. Death itself cannot do us part,” he told me.

“In other lives, I’ll come find you,” I promised him softly.

I settled back down on his chest, but kept looking at him. Julian trained his gaze on the ceiling, mindlessly playing with my hair. It took him a couple moments to realize that I was staring at him.

“Yes?”

“Nothing. I just... can’t believe you’re back.”

He offered me his signature smile. “Did you really think I’d let you go thay easily?”

I found myself chuckling softly at his words, resting my head back agaisnt his chest. “No, I suppose that isn’t the Julian Devorak style, now is it?”

“Of course not! I have a flare for the dramatic.”

“Well literally dying is very dramatic, Julian. Scary, but definitely on your route of how you do things.”

Julian laughed, causing me to giggle as well. “Touché, doll, touché.”

“Just promise me you won’t do anything stupid like that again.”

“I promise to not die again until I’m good and ready,” he replied.

I sighed. Of course he couldn’t promise not to do stupid things. This was Julian I was talking about. “Thank you. I’ll take it.”

Julian presses a kiss onto the top of my head. “Good. Now as much as I’d love to jus sit here and hold you, we do have an investigation to run.”

I pushed myself back up and off of the doctor. “Of course. Asra is outside the door.” I turned to leave but Julian grabbed my wrist and spun me back to face him.

“I’ve been meaning to do this,” he said, leaving down and pressing a kiss on my lips.

I kissed him back, smiling into the kiss. Once we pulled back, we just stared at each other for a few moments like neither one of us could believe we had just kissed.

“Julian... I want you. I want you to be mine. Will you have me?” I asked quietly, but I needed to know. I wanted Julian to be my boyfriend.

“Absolutely,” he replied almost immediately and winked at me. “Now let’s go catch us a killer.”

#x male reader #gay #julian devorak x reader #julian devorak x male reader #julian devorak #the arcana x reader #the arcana x male reader #the arcana #the arcana julian

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amive2567 · 3 years

Text

Levi Ackerman x Reader

Summary: Levi has to cope with the loss of you.

Warning: Angst

Words: 1.436

A/N: That´s my first post and i hope you like it.

Disclaimer: Attack on Titan and the characters belong to Hajime Isayama.

Levi P.O.V

I am sitting in my office and doing the paperwork Erwin assigned to me. Outside of the window, the birds are twittering which is slightly distracting. They are just too noisy, which upset me. On the other hand, they make the day less depressing and fill it with noises which I prefer from the silence. Well, even this moment of peace got destroyed when Hanji burst into the room with a big fat ass grin on her face. "What do you want four-eyes?" I asked her while I filled out another record. "I just wanted to ask something." She said and sat down. "The answer is no." I spat at her and hoped that she will go, but she stayed and pouted. "I didn’t even say something. You can’t deny a question you haven´t heard." "Well, I can and now leave my office. I have better shit to do than talking to you." I hissed. She grimaced and crossed her arms in front of her chest. "You are such a mean person. I just wanted to ask if you would like to give me your paperwork because today is..." I did not even let her finish the sentence. The rage inside of me just got the best of me and I slapped my hand on the wooden desk. "No. Now leave shitty four-eyes." Her eyes widened and she nodded understandingly that I will not cooperate with her. "Alright but don’t do too much shorty." She opened the door but froze in the doorframe. "If you want to talk about it and get a day off Erwin will understand." Her voice shook a bit but I didn´t show any type of empathy. "Well, could you leave now?" I demanded and she left me and my thoughts alone.

Today, 33 years ago, the most precious person in my life was born. A light to call home if I put it into something ridiculously poetic. Why did Hanji have to remind me of her? Y/N and her calming E/C in which I could've drowned. It has been one year without her and every day is a challenge. She was the last bit of hope in this awful hell and even this bit of hope was taken by those titans.

I lowered my pen and got up from my desk chair, which I had been in since yesterday. My back cracked while I stretched myself. I looked outside of the window and enjoyed the three birds that chirped and flew happily through the sky. I wish I could be like them. Free and happy. I opened the window and let the fresh air into my office. I looked at the blue sky and wondered how this day would be if I hadn´t been so sluggish. I could´ve saved her. I closed my eyes and took a breath. I never regret my choices and even if it hurts, I won’t regret it this time either. It happened and if I mourn about it nothing will change the fact that it happened. I can’t change it and that’s it. I must accept it and live with the thought that Y/N is gone and will never come back. One of the birds chirped and landed in front of me. It tilted its head and looked at me. For a second, I thought that the bird wanted me to forget my dark thoughts. I shook my head and closed the window again.

I turned around and saw that all the papers were scattered around the room. I cleaned the mess and tried to work again but my thoughts drifted away and I laid my head on the desk. Why did the only light in my life have to vanish and leave me with darkness and pain? I walked out in the hallway and down to the kitchen to get me some black tea. I need to get rid of those thoughts. There’s nothing in the world that changes it. It happened and I couldn’t do anything against it. These are the facts. I filled the water in the teakettle and let it start to boil. In the time that the water boiled, I stood on a chair and grabbed a teacup from the upper shelf. Which idiot thought about putting the cups in this shelf? If I find this person there is someone on stall duty in the next few months. The teakettle whistled and I filled the cup with the hot water. "Ah found you. It’s a miracle that you even left your office." Says a deep voice behind me. I rolled with my eyes and turned around. "What do you want eyebrows?" I asked him harshly. "You get today off." He commanded and I wanted to complain, but he shook his head knowingly. "That’s an order and nothing to talk about. Hanji will take care of the paperwork." He explained and I stared angrily at the ground. "I don’t need a day off. I’m fine." I said and glared at him. "How can you be fine if..." "I don’t want to hear it." I interrupt him. "She is dead, Levi. You have to accept it." He said again and I glared another time at him. "She is dead and will never come back." He said again and I felt the urge to hit him with a chair. "Don’t you dare to talk any further!" I barked but he opened his mouth again. "She is dead Levi. A Titan ate her." I rushed forward and grabbed him by his collar. "I. Said. Don’t. You. Dare. To. Talk. Any. Further." I spelt with my bared teeth. He opened his mouth, but I kicked him in the stomach. He stumbled back and noded. "Enjoy your day off." He said and I watched with anger in my eyes how he left the kitchen. I swore under my breath and took the cup of tea with me to my office.

I open the door and saw that the papers were removed from my desk. I rolled with my eyes and sat back at the desk. I stared at the blank wall and thought of all the things that Y/N showed me and how she carved herself into my cold heart, just with her encouragement and happiness. I wanted to marry her last Christmas, but the Titan came first and took the love of my life. My eyes started to burn, and my vision went blurry. I can’t cry, that’s not like me. I am humanity's strongest soldier I can’t cry, it's weak.

"It’s not weak to cry, Levi. Even the strongest person needs to cry sometimes." Her voice echoed through my mind and I buried my head in the crook of my arm. A salty tear left my eye and rolled down my cheek. A sob escaped my mouth and I broke down. All the pain I tried to hide in the last year came over me and drowned me. It was like daggers were stabbed in my heart. It feels just like yesterday when I saw that the titan grabbed her and ate her alive. Her haunting screams echoed in my mind and I sobbed even harder. Why did this have to happen to her and not to me? I ask myself this a lot of times, but I concluded that life wanted me to live in my living hell. My sobs echoed on the bare walls of the office and the desk shook, just like my body.

A light knock brought me back and I looked at the closed door. I wiped away the tears and said, "Name and business." in my normal voices. "It’s S/N. I wanted to ask if we could play with my wooden trains." "Come in." I answer and the door opens. A little boy with my raven hair and Y/N E/C eyes came into the room. In his hands, he held some of his trains. I stood up and walk to him. I kneeled in front of him and stared him in the eyes. "I love you S/N and I will always protect you." I wrapped my arms around the small boy and hugged him. "I love you too dad and I believe mommy loves us too." He answered and a small smile spread across my face. "You are right. Let us play." I said and we started to build a proper railroad. In the end, Y/N even left some of her pureness in the world and even her personality stays with me. S/N is my light and I will keep him safe. No matter what it takes.

#levi ackerman #x reader #aot #angst #levi ackerman x reader #sad #attack on titan #erwin smith #hanji zoe #titan #first post

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floralkittygambler · 3 years

Text

Reposting for reasons

Response to Honest’s post here: Doing this to spread this awareness more as I know theres a bit of a rift in the critical community - plus I really fucking go on. Im PISSED and I do apologise however it NEEDS urgent addressing. I know people will hate me for it but Im used to hate and honestly? Hating rather than helping to solve the issue only furthers my fucking point here. So yeah this is so more people are aware (no offense to any of those involved in said rift either, but this is an important message. Thank you for understanding and if I can do anything to make all sides comfortable, then please message me and I’ll do my upmost.) “ More awareness of this is needed. Even if it’s your favourite, you can’t justify their shit but rally against another’s shit. Have people tell you you’re experiences arent real or invalid because, like Husk, people have - in real life - shipped you with someone you are far from comfortable with but you still treat them like a person. Because you have basic respect. And people force you to accept harassment, touching, stalking, advances for THEIR satisfaction. People use you for their fantasies. But you’re just a ‘tsundere’ for it. Or you have addiction issues but people think being with another addict will ‘save’ you because you’re apparently too incompetent to save yourself. Love isnt some magic fuckin cure so stop romanticising it as a fuckin saviour. It’s gross and fuckin creepy. Get stalked and have someone NEVER accept your no just because you show youre still decent enough to not treat them shitty or any different from anyone else. Try having someone way older or way younger (both in morally fucked up ways) advance on you and people encourage that. People you’re supposed to feel safe around.

People touch you when you pull away or show discomfort. Follow you home. Have pictures of you and wont accept you dont like them like that and it’s not ‘playing hard to get’ or ‘the thrill of the chase’. Fuck. OFF. In fact, Im not only disappointed in the fandom. Im disappointed in the entire team who some should know better from their OWN personal experiences - or at least the bare minimal of being a fucking adult. Im disappointed in especially females (sorry idk whether girl or woman is more appropriate here-) who statistically are more likely to have experienced something similar at some point in their lives think this is a cute gay moment. No. Angel is made out as a fucking predator - Im not saying he is, Im saying that his persistence is very fucking unwelcome like one. People like Husk dont need that fucking invasiveness. They/We need patience and someone on our level. Angel’s I know are the fuckin polar opposite - and some of them I know are very sexually harassing, including unwanted touching. It’s a shitty way to present gay people. Gays are fuckin people. Some are cunts and some arent. It’s a HUMAN thing. But considering the shit theyve been subjected to, presenting a gay as a victim only to also show them as a perpetrator is insulting! And for those Ive seen argue this about how people like AD wouldnt know how to express their love normally and whatnot? His pig. His best friend. He’s in his fucking 30s. There are literal real life criminals who get molested as kids and then go on to molest kids. Not all who grow up like that turn into nonces. Stop just fucking STOP justifying and romanticising this bullshit! I used to see the good in AD but now he makes me fucking sick. Especially with my verrrrrry fucking real traumas and connections. But fuck me, eh? Because this fictional guy matters so much more. Fuck real victims. And whilst we’re at it, fuck AD too when it suits your fetishes! Sarcasm aside, the fans and the team need to straighten up their abhorrent behaviour. Stolas. Fucking clearly having an affair, knowingly fucking up his daughter’s mental health and bribing a guy into sex who only wants the book and nothing more. He even has a fucking warning button over Stolas- Guys, how do you think any of this is cute? Even the team gross me out- I genuinely see potential and talent and it’s all gone to shit to satisfy horny teens, horny adults, and literally everyone who doesnt for the life of them understand being an adult is more than sex, drugs, violence and swears! I REALLY want to keep enjoying HB/HH but it’s getting harder and harder with such ignorant and bordering lazy creators (note: lazy as in wont do the fucking research or actually listen to real criticism and victims), such despicable fans (yeah, some HDers fuckin mocked that they triggered my ED, yet they had the fucking NERVE to support Angel’s potential ED AND laugh and blame me for me getting treated so badly for actually having the balls to call Angel and the teams hypocrisy. I got told to kill myself, that my problems arent real - oh but Angels apparently is! Which... They *are* but AD isnt real so technically only onlookers will suffer and not a drawing - and they just excused their toxic behaviours. These people are like “aww poor angie babey!” yet fuckin INSULT sex workers. All this red in Hazbin yet it feels everyone and they mama colour blind. The issues are getting worse and fans are outright becoming EVIL, VILE, Vindictive little bullies - from kids to adults. You SHOULD be ashamed of yourself if you conduct yourself in such a manner. And you need to readjust your attitudes and behaviours because the only fuckers getting hurt are actual fucking victims. Ever been violated and been gaslit so much you STILL fucking question it’s reality? So you drown that shit out yet somehow it’s effects still hit you? Fetishise it. Make it your uwu gae couple goals, you’re no better than people believing Harley and the Joker werent toxic af. If this shit happened to you, most of you would actually SEE where we’re all coming from. Also, stop making gay a fetish - you’re like those creepy old men in the alley heckling lesbians to make out so they can wank off. Gays, no ALL the LGBT+ are fucking people too. So dont give me that bullshit then start turning everything just gay or just straight to mentally wank off to. It’s degrading and dehumanising. And yes, fiction does effect reality. You crush on a fictional character? Mourn one? Support one? Hell, fuckin jerk off to one - that’s affecting reality. Remember how in fiction all blacks were treated as villians? Look how theyre treated IRL. JAWS, great classic unfortunately their was a spike in shark killings over a fucking movie - the shark in the movie wasnt even real for the most part because they dont behave like that! (Also the animatronic was so shit they genuinely had so many issues - I think they even took to naming each one! Some fun trivia there!). Tiger sharks are more nasty than great whites as tiger sharks will hunt and eat a human. Great whites prefer seals and dislike human flesh, they just mistake us for seals. Hell, theres the toothless basking shark - theyre often SWAM WITH by divers for being so friendly. Yet Jaws made people think all sharks are bloodlusting over humans. Slenderman was created for a fucking contest and that influenced a stabbing (NOT Victor’s fault). Watch a horror movie that isnt based on a real life event and tell me that at least ONE has left you peaking over your shoulder. Stella may be a bitch - we dont know for certain - but try getting cheated on. Y’know what? Try growing up in such a broken home like Octavia. Yeah reaaaaaal fucking cute now, huh? Funny how as well y’all petition for male victims to be taken seriously then laugh when fictional males experience this abuse, further adding to stigma. You can be hit on by the hottest mf on the planet but if you arent interested, that should be respected! Also we’ve all been inspired by at least one fictional character so yeah. Yknow, since I was little Ive been fighting for sex worker and homeless rights. But HH/HB treatment of both leave a bitter taste in my mouth. I’ll still fully support sex workers and the homeless, but that’s the fucking effect this show is having. Bearing in mind I wont ever share everything Ive been through - and I shouldnt fucking have to in order to be believed and validated (obvs proof is required in a legal case but that’s a whole other topic). Why should I share MY fucking pain especially when you fuckers have belittled and triggered it more so? We have our rights to our secrets but fuck ME you lot NEED to start acting appropriately and like decent fucking humans. ‘iTs HeLl’ yeah and welcome to Earth- the team and yourselves live HERE. You obide by THESE rules. And as someone with beliefs (and a LOT of ancient fucking texts and studies on this shit) their Hell isnt even a proper Hell! It’s closer to purgatory and even then it’s not. Regardless, it’s a poorly built world with the lore consistently changing per episode and tweet, with many plot holes, and is apparently easy to get into - even via accidentally watching porn according to a stream. If youre gonna parade youre a fucking expert and research into demonology and use real believed figures, at least get THAT right. In fact, Lucifer and Lilith (and Stolas tbf) are ESPECIALLY risky as theyre a lot more complex than most easy access texts will tell you. Likewise, Stolas’s first introduction and main focus is sex. He’s one of the FEW Goetia demons that dont have some involvement in relationship issues at ALL. He’s known for astrology, crystals and herbs but hes also known to aid MONEY troubles (it’s lesser known but it’s true! HB Stolas is an insult to the Prince). Turning Vodou into something evil is vile considering it’s powerful and liberated slaves. Pentagrams are nothing to do with Satan, they’re magic based sigils. Upside down cross is the symbol of a SAINT. It’s just some edgy attempt to trick people into believing they know more than they do. Also you should NEVER dabble and doodle sigils without knowing the meanings or respecting what they behold. Vox and Val, real fuckin cute way to make them look like a stupid fucking highschool drama instead of a fucking SEX TRAFFICKER (note: real pimps often target YOUNG folks too - aka minors - and groom them into sex work. Theres different types of pimp. Viv has shown barely any understanding of ‘the game’ and its a fucking insult to injury. Yes we KNOW what a fucking pimp and prozzie are! We dont need to see it. We need REAL AWARENESS.) and a fucking scheming bastard of a CEO salesman botman. And yet even THEN lets go a step further and make some yandere wuv on boyfweind aboose! Fuck off- Now I love a good anime but these tropes are getting fucking dangerous now. And unrealistic to real love and relationships. Kids nowadays know fuck all on a healthy relationship (neither did the fuckin 50s tbf) and Im seeing more romaticism and glorifying abusive situations. Like the show ‘You’. Ok, there’s a fuckin bloke online who slaughtered innocents and kidnapped yet people commented how cute he is on his IG and that they want to be kidnapped or killed by him next. Dont believe me? Look up Peter Manfredonia Connecticut and the comments people left him and then tell me why shit like whats being presented in HH/HB ISNT fucking concerning - because it is. For a series about redemption, it’s brilliant at the opposite (Quote from the creator herself, Viv has posted that it’s influencing her bad choices. Even as a joke, proof’s in the pudding). And the overall focus on sex in the way Viv does is so immature and really creepy, and this is from an ADULTS perspective. From one adult to another, Im concerned as to why any of them think this is a normal fixation. Then again they’ve hired quite a large amount of dodgy folks and even a child. Most of this shit gets avoided with a basic background check like most companies run. I DO like Hazbin. Or the premise. I love some of the cast and spite the others. In Helluva, I just like a tiny portion of the cast. And I critique it so harshly because Viv DOES need a wakeup slap, grounding to reality, people who arent going to big her up or kiss her arse for once and shape her up to be the best she can be. The actually reach and even surpass her potential. And to reach where you need to be, there’s a lot of harsh lessons youll face. That’s life. Shes chosen one of the most HEARTLESS industries and if she blocks out critique as ‘hate’ then she’s not strong enough and wont last. It’s just another unprepped YanDev again (except I dont believe Viv to be a nonce. Even with her dodgy past and dodgy present, I think her perspective on sex and relationship with sexuality is FAR from healthy BUT I dont believe she’s a pedophile. Ive bled my fair share and so far, I just think her sex perspective isnt healthy or mature for her age. But there’s little to nothing to suggest actual noncery - dont worry about accusations there. But YanDev is totally a dirty predator. Just clearing that up). Viv NEEDS some harshness and stability if she wants to do things right. And it’ll make her fucking cry but if she loves these projects as much as she claims to, then you’ll sacrifice blood, sweat and tears for that shit. Even the strongest points are mediocre at best when properly observed. She CAN do more, but she’ll have to face the harsh music. Viv wont see this, but if she does, I dont care if it upsets her. Why? Because this is that much of an issue - something she’s cultivated - that she needs to take action and not ignore it or be secretive about it. She needs to grow up and get tougher skin. Im not saying this to cause her pain. In fact, I wouldnt waste my fucking limited time if I DIDNT care. Trust me, I have duties to be met at a certain quota every single day. I say this shit only because I give a shit and care. If we met, she’d fucking hate me. But people like me are good for shaping people up to their potential. And we arent always this ‘tough love’ either. But when someone needs that level of harshness to help themselves, we’re not afraid to lose people or cause upset if the results end up being the best for them. If she ever saw this, she needs to re fucking evaluate her message, her story, and those she’s choosing to welcome into her circle. And all Im seeing is one rookie mistake after the other. Her paid patreon discord. Just like the messages Honest has posted on her side of being harassed (not in Vivs fyi), Ive experienced shit and bullying and even stay silent on their for being attacked for a group I fuckin paid to be in and yet I feel isolated. It’s all arsekissing and ‘thank you viv’ (thats an actual channel-) and it feels like a place of borderline worship and people trying to appease her 24/7 whilst kicking others with different opinions down. There’s so many I love but I aint kissin yer fuckin arse. Ask the closest friend I have - we’re fucking raw and wont just side with each other just because. We’ll call each other out if we think they’ve fucked up and then help each other build themselves up better. Because real fuckin people who actually care wont just want to be adored by you. They’ll care enough to point out your bullshit and help you, even if they upset you at the time. They’re real and upfront with you. People like us arent always the easiest to be close to either because we arent afraid of upsetting someone if it’s in their best interest and to help them. Likewise, we dont go out looking for fights either. Most times, we’re fuckin soft bastards- All this shit listed is the fuckin surface level of the real life hell of this fandom. And unsurprisingly, those who experience little to no toxicity have always been higher on that popularity ‘food chain’ - enough admirers and shared opinions that people wanna arse kiss regardless of their OWN feelings as well as neutral perspectives. I’d say you’re the lucky fans, but you’re not. You’re sheltered, and that isnt always the best way to be sadly. As for the fans. If Ive upset you. Well... I dont care. Because many of you have actively sought me out and weaponised my traumas against me. You never cared about my feelings then. Why should I care about yours? Im not doing this out of malice. Im fed up of humans behaving so pathetically yet claiming to be high and mighty. Most of you have been arseholes to those in and out of the community. The victims and non-victims alike. Hardly any of you considered once my real suffering. You put a drawing over a life. Many lives. You had the audacity to tell me Im full of shit. Some even using my real traumas to make a mockery of me and those Im around with a very similar history. Some with traumatic histories that differ from my own. You hardly ever considered the real lives of those effected. So no, Im not sorry for having the fucking balls to this day to still stand up for our rights and give us a voice that’s long been stolen. Im not sorry for being a fucking victim. Im not sorry for saying what desperately NEEDS voicing. And Im not sorry for not conforming to you or any fandom just to belong. We deserve better than to constantly be your fuckin arse monkeys (well... the trope is butt monkey but yknow-) and to be mistreated, misrepresented and harmed by you. You’re no different to the school bullies who give speeches on anti-bullying day. And I hope every single one of you starts looking into yourselves and improving. PS: Depending on the texts you read, Lucifer is said to have been redeemed or to be redeemed. Fun fact to haunt yalls with~ “

#warning long #long post #hazbin critical #very long rant #important #hear victims voices #just sick of how awful people can treat one another and believe this is acceptable #everyone is accountable #toxic fanbase #Toxic shippers #toxic ships #im literally too fucking old for this #forgive the anger but after years and years it gets so cumbersome and tiring #im happy to be the pariah if it means victims actually get heard and helped

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albatris · 4 years

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Hello hope you're well on this Saturday may I ask what the deepest fears of each of the ATDAO cast members is, thank you and goodnight

oh you’re just gonna dive right in with the hard-hitting questions I see

thank you for the ask!!

under the cut because rambles, of course, I literally do not know how to be concise I’m so sorry, you probably already knew this was coming HAHAHA

Tris’s deepest fear aside from Literally Everything In The Universe would be uhhhhh....... being somehow responsible for harm coming to the people he cares about? either directly or indirectly. I think on a big scale the whole concept of the butterfly effect stresses him out hahaha. on a small scale, he spends a lot of time stressing about his friends and family, he has a lot of intrusive thoughts about what horrible things could potentially happen to them, he worries about accidentally hurting them, etc. etc.

n I haven’t really talked in depth all that much about the specifics of Tris’s psychosis, but there’s definitely aspects of it that become pretty intense and aggressive in terms of commands and orders and “some terrible and/or violent thing will happen to your friend / sister / neighbour if you don’t do this thing”, lots of prickly parts of it that like to make threats to his safety and the safety of the people around him if he attempts to ignore or resist them. so even on good days he’s got this constant background-hum anxiety that if he chooses to disobey something or if he misinterprets a sign or if he steps out of line, his loved ones are going to be punished for it, which is just.............. a lot

a fear of helplessness and a lack of control also factors into it, like, ever since he was very very very small he’s had this idea ingrained that you can do literally everything right and the universe can still squash you like a bug at any second, n he had absolutely no way to even begin processing that in a healthy way so it just manifested in the fact that he pretty much only ever feels safe when he’s accounted for every tiny detail and is following very specific routines and has left as little room as possible for anything unexpected to catch him off guard. he’s got these rules and systems and rituals he clings to ‘cause they offer him some illusion of safety and control even though they kind of........ won’t actually do anything to stop the universe fucking his shit up

Noa’s is................. I’m not sure if “being left behind” really covers it

if we’re talking in a real broad big scale sense, I think it’s a fear of being forgotten or brushed over or not being seen, or more, people refusing to see her? it’s a fear of, like, fighting her hardest to make noise and be seen and the world just completely and utterly turning its back on her. she’s spent a whole lot of her life trying to carve out a space for herself and make her voice heard, n between illness and financial difficulties and a piece of shit dad, she and her mum have struggled to stay afloat in systems that have just consistently, consistently failed them and whose best advice is “just try harder” and “we can’t help you if you don’t help yourself”

and, like, Noa’s very full of rage about it and has made some restless peace with the fact that she has to look out for herself and the people she cares about, because no one in any position of power is gonna throw them a stick, but it’s not something she’s comfortable with and it’s a horribly alienating and frightening experience

n I guess a fear of being left behind does play out on an interpersonal level too, though it’s not really in the same vein as the other stuff? I’ve talked a lot in the past about how she’s resistant to people getting close to her ‘cause she’s got a lot of paranoia and fear and doesn’t wanna be vulnerable, but there’s also just............ a whole lot of impostor syndrome in the friendships she already has, she’s always on some level convinced that she’s somehow tricked people into liking her and one day they’re gonna wake up and realise she’s not all that special or that nice or that fun to be around. I don’t think she really views herself as someone who’s allowed to be loved just for who she is, or that “who she is” is someone who already has value or anything to bring to the table in terms of friendship

Shara’s deepest fear is the idea that there really is Absolutely No Meaning To Any Of This

that the universe is all just chaos with no purpose and no direction, that there are no bigger forces at play, that there’s nothing good and right and loving at the centre of it all, that it’s all just chance and machinery and completely unfeeling

I think one of the main ways she processes the world and is able to feel safe given the collapsing nature of reality is her desperate and adamant belief that There Has To Be An Answer, that it’s all something that can be untangled and solved, and that if she can manage to figure it out then she’ll be able to make some peace with it and things will make sense again

there’s a lot of stuff from her past that she has no real closure for, particularly the loss of one of her close childhood friends as a result of some unfortunate interdimensional fuckery, and she’s still trying to sort out her feelings about it and find a way to live her life in relation to it, she’s still trying to find a way that something so cruel can make sense

Kai has............................ a lot of fear. many many fear. I will not talk about all of it. I will talk about two of it

one of the main ones is this idea that the only reason they try so hard to care so much and help people and have a positive impact on the people around them is because deep down they don’t actually care at all, that they’ve kind of just fooled everyone into thinking they’re a good person when in reality they’re the worst, they’re a liar and a fraud

which is just kind of......... I mean, they’re not really someone who’s ever considered their own mental health at length so they haven’t really got any point of reference for what’s happening to them post-time-loop, which is basically just. panic attacks, dissociative episodes, blacking out for days at a time, not recognising themself in the mirror, feeling completely numb, not even fully convinced that this is even real life. all very understandable reactions to what they’ve just been through

but definitely the thing that hits them the hardest is the fact that they can look at the people they’re supposed to love and care about and just not feel anything at all, which fuckin terrifies them. they spend a lot of time in crisis about it, feeling like they’re an actor trying to play the part of their own life, they’re doing what they think they’re supposed to but they’re just completely disconnected

(they eventually open up to Noa about it in a full breakdown and are like “I’m a terrible person” and she’s just like “you’re traumatised you fucking dumbass let’s get you some therapy”)

and on equal footing to this and one that deserves a mention is the fact that they’ve been psyching themself up to Go Back Home for the past year and then psyching themself out again, repeat x infinity. A Lot Fucking Changed in the years Kai was gone, and their family had a funeral for them and mourned them and had to deal with all the grief and the fallout of losing their sibling / child / family member and their mum broke down in a real bad way and they’ve all spent the past seven years trying to claw their way back to anything resembling a normal life

and Kai is kinda A) unsure whether it would be selfish of them to try and re-enter their lives now, whether it would be disruptive and confusing and more pain than it’s worth given how much work they’ve put into trying to move on and create a new normal and B) fucking terrified that they won’t even know these people anymore because they’ve all changed so much and Kai hasn’t, they’re not going to fit here or be welcome anymore, and that no matter how much they try to return to normal they’re never going to have a home again

and that is just

kind of a :( note to end on but here we are, at the end

thanks for coming to my ted talk?

!!! thank u for reading if you read this far in my rambling please have an excellent night

#i was gonna do marrick and jacob too but i feel like this got too long already HAHAHA #i've talked about jacob's fear once before i think #and marrick. well. that's a post and a half #probably a post i should make at some point!#but not right now maybe #anyway this was. hm. a lot #also since i know in my atdao posts i talk a lot about these themes of like #''uncaring cosmic machinery''#i wanna emphasise that the message of this book is absolutely not ''the universe does not care about you''#whether or not the universe cares is up for debate and i'm not gonna go into it #i have no comment on the universe one way or another beyond #there's meaning in the lives we create for ourselves and there's meaning #in the meanings we give each other #love and connection and hope can be the good at the centre of it all #basically the entire moral of atdao comes down to #THERE IS LOVE AT THE CENTRE OF EVERYTHING #which is valid of me i think #tracle0

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bonniemansfieldd · 3 years

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My Pet Goblin Grief

I wouldn’t say I’m overly experienced in many things; baking - perhaps; exams maybe; tactical chundering - I’m pretty good; but grief? Me and her go way back.

Of course, everything is relative and I’m grateful to say that I’ve never lost someone as close as a parent or sibling but I definitely have had a bigger taste of the Grieving Life™ than most which is an odd feeling. A running joke we have is that I have one of those stamp loyalty cards to the local cemetery and now I’m only 1 off of my own free burial- wahoo!

Death-focussed conversations are a centerpiece in our house and the question “What do you want as your funeral song?” is as easily asked as “What is it you want for Christmas?” (For the record, mine’s Only One Who Knows by the Arctic Monkeys, Day N Nite the Crookers Remix by Kid Cudi and probably the Moulin Rouge version of Your Song - but the last one is still up for debate). I never realise these sorts of things are a bit odd or macabre until I ask the same questions to Ungrieved friends who always respond with the same notion of “why are you asking such morbid things” or “are you planning on killing me?” or “This isn't a fun birthday drinks convo.”

For context, my first experience with death was when my grandad died when I was 3, I have little memory of this other than my mum breaking the news to me when she was stark-naked, post-shower and drying her hair; a weird image in hindsight. My second and third were very close together and now feel fused in my brain; my mum was the eldest of three and within the space of 50 days her sister died due to alcoholism and her brother committed suicide due to depression and a psycho ex wife. Also my dog died a month or 2 later, rule of 3 and all that. At the age of 12 I was properly introduced to the beasts that are grief, depression and the aftermath of a suicide, none of them I would give good Yelp reviews tbh.

Nobody teaches you how to grieve. There is no handbook on ‘How to Navigate the Loss of a Loved One’, never mind one on ‘How to Deal With Traumatic Deaths Whilst Dealing with a Now Suicidal Mum Alongside All the Other Shit of Your Teenage Years’ (although there should be given its catchy title ) Now here’s where I made my first mistake when learning to live with these things - I just Kept Calm and Carried On like a fucking Dweeb. No major lash outs; no therapy, no rebellious phase (yet), no prolonged mourning period, no deep conversations with my parents on how i was feeling. I’d wake up, go to school and be a good little boffin, come home, ignore the fact mum had not gotten out of bed in 3 days or spoken in 30; do my homework, have my tea, go to bed, be awoken by the sounds of my mum blasting their funeral songs and scream bawling downstairs; put in my earphones and watch Flushed Away; cry a bit; eventually fall asleep; repeat.

Looking back now my chosen ignorance was ridiculous and really came back with a vengeance when I was 15 and my mum was back to relative normality. I started to face what I’d pushed down and I released all the pent up icky-gross-wtf-feeling via trying to fuck anyone I could, developing an eating disorder, fancying only the most wastemen of boys, binge drinking and thinking Morrissey was the pinnacle of God’s creation. I mean, it did the job in the end but FUCK ME it was the dumbest way to do it and ultimately caused a whole load of other problems in my wee noggin that I really didn’t need.

Thankfully (she says with sarcasm and one solo gunfinger), I got to perfect my craft at Grieving in 2020, aged 18, when another Auntie died unexpectedly of bowel cancer and then my childhood friend killed herself, aged 21, due to cripping BPD. I really mean it when I say I’m sick of people dying. This time round I’m really trying to do it the proper way and not suppress it for 3 years and get myself in a knot like last time, although what is the proper way to grieve? Since this is not my first rodeo I know what NOT to do but that’s all I got so far.

Now, I have a few key points I’m really trying to abide by, the first one being for the love of GOd put your own grief first. I now have deep rooted mummy issues which partly stem from trying to pick up the pieces of her grief whilst burying my own with Aardman Animations and wanky Morrissey lyrics. She didn’t support me, in all honesty not many in my family did (which is understandable!) cause everyone was trying to keep their own heads above water which ultimately I should’ve done too, but didn’t. Learning to say “I am in pain, I am grieving, I need to put myself first right now or else my future therapy sessions are going to be hella expensive” is really fucking hard, ESPECIALLY when everyone else is crumbing too. But it’s the whole air mask on a plane scenario where you cannot help anyone else until you’re breathing clear too.

My next point; some days you actually feel okay and you’re not the worst person ever for feeling like that. It’s the whole ball in a box grief analogy that I cba to explain but highly reccommend looking up. Grief doesn’t leave you, you just learn to live with it and it’s kinda as simple as that. Therefore, there will be days where you do manage it, maybe even forget it for a while. It becomes a feeling so ingrained into you, you don’t even notice it’s there and just get on with things. You’re not a terrible person for having a nice time with your mates if your Gran’s just died. You’re not the spawn of satan if you go out on the pull a few weeks after your mate’s topped themselves. Yeah, their lives have stopped but why the fuck should yours?

It’s a difficult moment, immediately after you lose somebody and venture out into the world to see that it hasn’t stopped turning. One example I have of this is when I met my cousin for a coffee the morning after my friend had taken her own life. I woke up feeling fairly normal, got ready and hopped on the bus to town and looked out the window to see the city moving as usual. I got off the bus two stops later when I realised my sudden snotty crying was getting a bit loud. I don’t remember starting to cry but I do remember walking up the High street amidst the Christmas shoppers blatantly sobbing and intermittently vaping (please laugh at this image cause I do- I also had a glazed donut in hand if that helps.) These experiences are also not limited to the immediate aftermath of a death, I’ve had similar experiences years after they’ve passed at gigs, on nights out, at the cinema, at bus stops and even watching The Simpsons (screw Matt Greoning for having Close To You as Marge and Homer’s fucking wedding song). My point is, big jabs of grief happen as randomly as moments of peace, acceptance and even contentment - it’s all just a big clusterfuck cocktail that adds a bit of spice to your life.

One thing I am trying to practise more when taming my grief goblin is actually talking about it which I failed to do before. As previously mentioned, people around you can get a bit awkward or uncomfortable when talking about all things death, ESPECIALLY when they haven’t experienced it themselves and you’re actually reaching out to them for support. I’ve had some advice that was great and some that was fucking awful, I even have grief pet peeves now which is not something you see much of on Room 101 (although I am willing to put my argument forward to Frank Skinner if he’s interested in that sort of thing).

So, what shouldn’t you say to someone who’s being RKO’d by their very own grief goblin? Never- and I cannot stress this enough- say how “StRoNg” or “bRaVe” you think they are. Never. Cut that shit out, it’s fucking GROSS. THis is an especially common thing from those Ungrieved and it honestly feels like an Alexis Rose Pity boop on the nose or pat on the head. To me, those words mean “awwwwww, sucks to be you pet.” which may sound harsh but hear me out. The wonderful Maya Richardson describes the frustration with this in regards to racism/transphobia/homophobia but I also think it applies to grief perfectly:

“You’re so brave comments often feel like a microaggression as it’s a form of ‘othering’.This is to view or treat someone as intrinsically different and alien from oneself. The comments Basically say “your life is harder than mine” and feels like a back handed compliment Or an insensitive power move even if they meant well.”

The “you’re so __” comment gives you no support and is alienating, it makes you feel like you’re a freak who’s fighting a one person battle that you can only fight on your own cause no one else is as “strong” or as “brave” as you. Also, I’m not fucking strong or brave. I don’t want to be strong, I didn’t ask to be brave, and if not being these things means I don’t have to meet my grief goblin every morning then I’d rather be a weak coward any day.

The best response I’ve ever had when telling a friend I’m grieving or I’ve just lost someone is “Fuck me! Another one? That’s wank. Do you want to talk about it?” Not only did this not isolate me and it gave me the opportunity to talk through things to process them better, but it also validated everything I’m feeling. Yes it is wank thank you for acknowledging how utterly wank this situation is - it’s the biggest pile of wank I’ve ever waded through and no, I’m not “brave” for doing that.

Let them talk about it, listen to them, hug them, recognise the wank they're wading in and give them a hand to pull them through. Also, if they don’t want to talk about it then,for the love of God, just treat them as you would normally. When you’re walking on eggshells around someone they can also see the shells you’ve scattered about the place and it makes it all so lonely - cut that shit out. I’m someone who handles pain via humour cause if i don’t laugh i’ll cry and if i cry i wont stop so, if I make a joke about cemetery visits being more like European tours due to how many graves we visit and how fucking long it takes, PLEASE just laugh; I’m trying my best here.

Ultimately, I see grief as a pet for life that you learn to train and care for, but it still does piss on your floor or bite your heart every now and then; and if you know a friend who has one of these funny little creatures you should treat it as such- a new pet of theirs thats learning to be obedient. They may leave it at home sometimes or introduce you to it if they feel comfortable but, in the end, it is here to stay. And that’s okay.

Treat them and their grief goblin with the respect and love it deserves and then, I assure you, we’ll all pull through together - eventually.

#grief goblin iteasssswhatiteasssss yolo funnythoinnit

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