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chairteeth · 4 months

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Nemu's life as a wheelchair user and how terrible f4 is at portraying it (or, well, Not portraying it)

Buckle up I have a list of PointsTM. I will be going into Japan's history with disability as well as what life is like on a wheelchair.

First though, because I want this to have the intended effect, I recommend going over Nemu's swimsuit costume story again. It is Very Relevant. I recommend you enjoy the fluff of it too, before I dump the depressing thing about it on you. Though I will say I really REALLY appreciate how far Touka always goes to make Nemu feel comfortable and supported and listened to and cared for in every situation and- is shot.

So, apparently this room has a big mirror, and Nemu gets uncharacteristically giddy and we get this scene that Will hurt you. She even says that she finds this just as important as the liberation plan.

They had ALL OF THE SETUP, ALL OF IT. And now I would like to also share a recent analysis of Nemu's wheelchair that I dragged some wheelchair users to do, then I'll start thrashing and yelling about the significance of such a change. For reference we mainly have the sprite right:

I'm going to provide the relevant texts directly for you:

no theres like zero leg support beyond the foot plate and even the way the foot plate is designed implies that she has pretty good motor control over her legs

ya no calf pads or anyting smh

and whats with the armrests those dont look v comfy??

i doubt she needs much body support beyond the walking there's proper cushioning elsewhere, though

I can't see a headrest either, and the backrest is not very high, so I'm pretty sure she just can't walk and everything else is largely fine

Me:

it's a separate continuity, but in the anime Nemu can stand. We don't see her walking but we see her standing a few times, and some of them are at points where she has to have walked at least a little bit, so I definitely think it's not "100% can't walk" but rather something more complex. Even before she was a magical girl we saw her standing in the hospital, though you could argue that was before whatever anime illness she has got worse

huh. that sounds like chronically ill person energy conservation to me at least in the anime. me and (name omitted) do that, were usually on our wheelchairs because a walk to the grocery store may be too much and we might keel over from the pain or exhaustion. what about the game?

Me:

I don't think she can walk at all in the game? The times she's not in her wheelchair, someone is carrying her, iirc. I told you that the cause of it was her shaving away her life force repeatedly, and I've explained the other symptoms, but truth be told, we don't see those other symptoms again post Arc 1 (which I think is just because she's under less stress and not constantly shaving away the aforementioned life force), and we were sadly robbed of any kind of "discovery" scene where we get her actual reaction and yk, her assessing the permanent damage done to her body?

Me:

I told you guys how soul gems work as essentially the girl's soul puppetting her body, right? My personal theory is that she did so much damage to herself that it significantly weakened part of the soul gem-body connection. I thought it may have been severed, but if that were the case, I'm pretty sure her legs would just rot off, since magical girl bodies rot when separated from their soul gems for too long iirc, plus she can feel temperature on them so

WHY DIDNT YOU TELL US ABOUT THE TEMPERATURE THING

Me:

I'M SORRY IT'S AN OBSCURE ASSUMPTION BASED ON A QUOTE OR TWO ABOUT A FUCKING KOTATSU, THEY NEVER FUCKING TALK ABOUT THE DETAILS OF THE LEG THING, I WAS TRYING TO STICK AS CLOSE TO THE TEXT AS POSSIBLE

Me:

she's also never complained about pain from her legs, she's lamented the whole being unable to walk once or twice ("this body of mine can't help in any significant way") but never said a word about pain or other complications. Granted, she's also a people pleaser who would rather put on a stoic face than mildly inconvenience literally anyone

yea then it might just be she cant do the walking motions reliably. didnt you say she has an overprotective gf? The gf may have argued for the wheelchair thing to be on the safe side

mmmmmmmmmm ye sounds about right

They also talked a bit about control pads and wheels but this was the summary one of them gave me:

So in short, Nahi: mobility and feeling all good, but no walkies or will fall on face and fracture skull

That's the analysis and conclusion of that part, which will help discuss the next one. Now, first of all... I have complained MANY TIMES about our lack of any scene where this permanent damage is revealed to the characters. They skipped over that. Which I thought, oh, okay, maybe we'll get it in a costume story for the wheelchair sprite. We did not get that! And that's important. Because see, Nemu I think might be able to hide her initial raw reaction depending on who was in the room with her. If she was alone or (preferably and probably likeliest) with Touka, she might not hide it, but it has to have sunk in that she would be dead to her family again. And for a character who so desperately wanted to fit in with her family, go camping with them, and presumably do all the outdoorsy and sporty stuff with them, YEAH, A SCENE LIKE THAT WOULD BE NEEDED, especially because Nemu has the tendency to both self-flagellate excessively (Touka also does this) and to hide all of her feelings and suppress them as hard as humanly possible.

With that out of the way, I am going to go on my certified rant about living in a wheelchair. Let's start at the general inaccessibility of Japan. Nemu's wheelchair isn't exactly... compact or foldable from what I can tell so that doesn't help her in the least. Here is a non-exhaustive list of things to consider:

- Less maneuverability or no access at all in some places, such as hotel rooms, restaurants, and stores

- Way longer wait times for nearly everything

- The temples are shitty to access because 90% of them have The Stairs, and the parks surrounding them have gravel grounds that make it almost impossible to run a wheelchair through (or at least, it's really hard. Think of when Sakurako had to carry Nemu on the beach, sand/sand-like ground and wheelchairs most often do not mesh, especially electric ones)

- The general congestion of large cities is not good but at least Japanese people tend to be nice and polite about it and try not to bother/touch wheelchair users, however this is unavoidable and oh boy haha rush hour

- In the end a wheelchair user in Japan is pretty limited in what they can do if not accompanied, which absolutely sucks

Streets are often narrow too so gestures at list. Plenty of buildings, especially old ones, are never really upgraded/don't have ramps or accessible elevators either, and I have literally seen a Japanese building that needed you to climb seven steps to get into the elevator?? Okay, alright, I will try not to bitch too hard. If using Yokohama as a base, the thing with large cities is that actually, the subway and train networks are generally good for wheelchair users (though they have to take extra steps and a trip that would take an able-bodied person one hour may take the wheelchair user double that amount of time, plus the station staff will choose your train for you). Everything else however, not so nice, and again The Stairs.

Now I go on the funny historical tangent! Around the 1960s in Japan, there was an increase in disabled children being separated from their families and placed in residential institutions, many of which were converted from the ones built for disabled veterans after WW2. At the age of 18, many of these children were then transferred to adult facilities where they would remain until death. As you may be able to imagine, these institutions were not great! Cue many many MANY human rights violations, including child residents being used as guinea pigs for their doctors in surgical procedures and disgusting amounts of incidents of sexual abuse towards female residents. The traditional Japanese notion that disabled people should be hidden by their families like a shameful secret was veeeeery prevalent! That is why these places even existed. Those beliefs are, Still ShiftingTM so to speak but it is much better now because hey at least they finally have an anti-discrimination law. By "finally" I mean that ten years ago they did not have one. You see, the literal basic anti-discrimination act for people with disabilities in Japan only came into effect in 2016 (for the reference of the Americans who may not know and for an easy example, in the US, the same thing happened in 1990, which is still recent-ish but not, "less than ten years ago" recent). That's only eight years ago. So let's not even talk about how VERY highly Not Possible a fully wheelchair-adapted/comfortable home would be in Japan. It ain't great chief, basic programs are still being implemented, and I highly doubt people are very widely educated on the matter unless it affects them personally. I think that is most of the funny historical tangent, so... time for me to talk about adapting to life on a wheelchair.

Let's start with showering and bath/general bathroom difficulties. First of all, it's MUCH likelier for a person in Nemu's position to slip and hurt themselves in the shower/bath, not even likely to be able to stop their own fall because Legs No Worky, secondly washing up unassisted when you're in a wheelchair both takes longer and is difficult/inconvenient, particularly if you don't have a specific chair or other thing to help you in the tub/shower (I am unsure if her family would be agreeable to this or if she'd even ask). For Nemu's benefit we are going to go with my interpretation that magical girls do not have periods, because otherwise oh dear god well that's way worse! But yes there's that whole complication and see, if you live with your family you have people you can ask for help. However we are talking about Nemu, and Nemu would rather starve under a bridge than ask for help (in 99% of cases). We have a section for internal effects of leg loss don't you worry but like, girl already felt like a burden before, imagine how she feels now when she actually does have to depend on others occasionally. Showering/bathing must be an absolute nightmare every single day for the poor girl. You don't realize how much you rely on walking and having usable legs inside the house until you lose that ability.

This leads me into another very funny thing: reach. Imagine having short person struggles. Okay, now imagine your height is cut in half and you have to be sitting down for everything. Who wants to bet you are now unable to reach A LOT of the things at home? Bathroom setups vary so that one you can circumvent, however! Consider the following: Nemu displays an enjoyment of cooking. Have you ever tried to sit down in front of most kitchen counters? They are pretty high up from that position. Which is fine when you're maybe just resting on the chair but can stand up/take steps around, but when you can't... well. Cooking just got a whole lot more inconvenient and complicated! Nemu seems to keep doing it, so I imagine she's figured out the kitchen table hack (kitchen tables are often lower than the counters and therefore often used to do the prep work instead of the counter because it's more comfortable). This still does not account for the stove but we haven't heard of Arc 2 Nemu cooking solo, only either with her mom or Sakurako, so I assume Nemu's family has the decency not to send her to make dinner like they do in Arc 1.

On the topic of short reach, have you ever realized how inconvenient doorknobs can be if you're sitting down? And doors in general when it's not so easy to move, really. This is more the case for those with less grip strength or less mobility than Nemu, but doorknobs are still generally placed high enough to be inconvenient, doors depending on how they open can be annoying (though sliding doors I've heard are better, so long as they're not too heavy), and let's not even talk about the heavy-ish doors that you have to push against. Because while that might be easy outside of a wheelchair... not so much on a wheelchair. The inconvenience of doors and doorknobs aside though, and back to public transport for a second, you cannot be spontaneous. According to a couple of Japanese wheelchair users I gnawed at for the purpose of research, you need to warn literally everyone at least 30 minutes in advance if you want to be able to board a train. If something comes up or is urgent, I assure you, you won't be able to hop on whatever train or taxi you want.

For Nemu in particular taxis may not be possible, but f4 ignores this really hard (like most things that have to do with Nemu's disability, given that it is acknowledged as a thing that exists LIKE TWICE after the initial timeskip scene at the end of Arc 1, mainly in Christmas string where she laments not being able to help with physical labor in any significant way due to "This Body Of Mine" [she's very dramatic about it but also this is an important hint to how she actually feels now that she's experienced at the very least months of living like this and now that she's alone with Touka instead of self-flagellating in public]). In Mokyu's MGS, I remember that moment when Touka calls for a taxi very much On The Spot and they both get on to follow Mokyu, seemingly very fast, and I was just like "????". I'm not really sure that's... a thing they can do that easily, f4...

But anyway, how about another item? Let's talk clothing. This is also not something able-bodied people usually consider or think about, but clothing generally was not designed for sitting. It will likely never fit right for wheelchair users, and many pieces of clothing may not even be comfortable, not to mention they may not be able to wear a lot of things (such as long/drapey fabrics that could interfere with movement, whether of the wheels, the control pad, or their bodies), and depending on how much mobility they have, changing itself can be another nightmare to do unassisted, or at least, it takes longer and takes more effort (we will get back to the "effort" part soon). This depends, sure, but it's often worse for kids and teenagers because they're still growing. It's okay though, I'm sure Touka would be really offended about this and would just take Nemu to get clothing custom made. What a good partner. The clothing issue is often overlooked, but Very Much A Thing. Some pants are not comfy to sit in for long periods of time, or maybe they fit well when you're standing but not when you're sitting... imagine only ever sitting.

I think I've made my point with the clothing aspect so let's move on to ANOTHER THING! Yes, I have more. Some things like transferring may be more inconvenient in Japan than they would be in the West. Transferring, in case you're not aware, is what a wheelchair user moving themselves from their wheelchair to another place to sit (such as a dining table chair, if they want, or a sofa), or back to the wheelchair, is called. It may be more inconvenient in Japan because well, The Floor. Transferring largely relies on upper body strength in most cases, and see, you can park a wheelchair next to a sofa or other chair and move yourself there reeelatively easily, but the floor may be a bit harder due to the difference in elevation from surface to surface. Once again, it depends on the specifics of the wheelchair user in question, overall. I've heard a couple of people say that the floor is Very Bad to transfer to and from, but one of them has mobility issues in the upper body and the other has arm weakness (he can only get back up because he's able to push a little bit with his legs).

For Nemu there's also the possible school complications, but I have not looked much into how accessible Japanese schools are for students on wheelchairs, though I do want to call a bit of attention to how we've seen Touka at school in Arc 2 but never Nemu, and I feel like that might be one of the reasons. Studying from home I suppose could be an option, though it would be iffy to me because of the whole part about being stuck inside and hidden away.

Before I move on to other things, let me. Talk about this other thing. That is specifically heartbreaking for Nemu. That being physical intimacy (we're talking hugs and the like, people, don't get ahead of yourselves). Quick quiz question for you to think about before I answer it, have you ever thought of how to comfortably hug a wheelchair user?

Normally, when put on the spot, the typical able-bodied person who has never thought about it says that well, you can just bend over to hug them! And while that kind of works, that is not exactly a "full hug" and also requires more effort and more Going Out Of Your Way on the able-bodied person's part than a hug to an able-bodied person that you can just easily walk up to and hug without any adjustment, which makes it less likely that the wheelchair user will get casual affection through that. A common one is the hug from the back, which works just like you'd do it for any sitting person, however the hug from the back is not exactly common and depends on how close the two people are. And then there's the other main way to do it, if it doesn't hurt for the wheelchair user. Which is the lap hug. Able-bodied person sits on the wheelchair user's lap and that is how the hug happens. Most wheelchairs should be able to bear the weight, since you have to account for things like carrying groceries or Other Stuff already, so the capacity to bear weight is built-in (some wheelchairs can carry up to 700lbs/317kg). However you will notice that a lap hug is a significant leap in intimacy that not that many people might be comfortable with, particularly in a less touchy culture like Japan. Personally I think Touka is princess enough, has enough of an ego, and enough of a bond/trust with Nemu that she'd have no qualms sitting on her lap, but Yeah. Holding hands is another one that may take a while to adjust to, since it's basically a MASSIVE height difference that you can't bridge, and also walking-walking vs walking-rolling (or whichever verb you prefer for wheelchair users) areeee different let's just say and speed adjustment can also be a bitch

What I'm saying is if poor Nemu was already affection deprived before, It Got Worse. I will touch on this more when I talk about the social consequences losing her legs must've had. To sum this all up so far, it's an entire reevaluation of the world you live in. Things that were once convenient are now inconvenient, or at best, don't help you anymore. People are often stumped as to what to say to you or what to do or how to act around you, especially if you bring up any and all struggles that have to do with the wheelchair thing. It's not Nemu's case but if she had a friend group, that would also mean possible distancing from them due to being unable to do as many activities with them or go to the same places as before. The world is built for the able-bodied, and the effort it takes to just navigate life in a wheelchair can be extremely draining. And SPEAKING OF EFFORT, it is time for the spoon theory! Those of you already familiar with it may skip this part, as I'm simply going to copy and paste from the original creator of the spoon theory, but for anyone who has never heard of the spoon theory, please, do read this part. It may help you understand something extremely important for the daily lives of so many people, and it may even give some of you who the spoon theory does apply to a new tool to use. This is the spoon theory:

My best friend and I were in the diner, talking. As usual, it was very late and we were eating French fries with gravy. Like normal girls our age, we spent a lot of time in the diner while in college, and most of the time we spent talking about boys, music or trivial things, that seemed very important at the time. We never got serious about anything in particular and spent most of our time laughing.

As I went to take some of my medicine with a snack as I usually did, she watched me with an awkward kind of stare, instead of continuing the conversation. She then asked me out of the blue what it felt like to have Lupus and be sick. I was shocked not only because she asked the random question, but also because I assumed she knew all there was to know about Lupus. She came to doctors with me, she saw me walk with a cane, and throw up in the bathroom. She had seen me cry in pain, what else was there to know?

I started to ramble on about pills, and aches and pains, but she kept pursuing, and didn’t seem satisfied with my answers. I was a little surprised as being my roommate in college and friend for years; I thought she already knew the medical definition of Lupus. Then she looked at me with a face every sick person knows well, the face of pure curiosity about something no one healthy can truly understand. She asked what it felt like, not physically, but what it felt like to be me, to be sick.

As I tried to gain my composure, I glanced around the table for help or guidance, or at least stall for time to think. I was trying to find the right words. How do I answer a question I never was able to answer for myself? How do I explain every detail of every day being effected, and give the emotions a sick person goes through with clarity. I could have given up, cracked a joke like I usually do, and changed the subject, but I remember thinking if I don’t try to explain this, how could I ever expect her to understand. If I can’t explain this to my best friend, how could I explain my world to anyone else? I had to at least try.

At that moment, the spoon theory was born. I quickly grabbed every spoon on the table; hell I grabbed spoons off of the other tables. I looked at her in the eyes and said “Here you go, you have Lupus”. She looked at me slightly confused, as anyone would when they are being handed a bouquet of spoons. The cold metal spoons clanked in my hands, as I grouped them together and shoved them into her hands.

I explained that the difference in being sick and being healthy is having to make choices or to consciously think about things when the rest of the world doesn’t have to. The healthy have the luxury of a life without choices, a gift most people take for granted.

Most people start the day with unlimited amount of possibilities, and energy to do whatever they desire, especially young people. For the most part, they do not need to worry about the effects of their actions. So for my explanation, I used spoons to convey this point. I wanted something for her to actually hold, for me to then take away, since most people who get sick feel a “loss” of a life they once knew. If I was in control of taking away the spoons, then she would know what it feels like to have someone or something else, in this case Lupus, being in control.

She grabbed the spoons with excitement. She didn’t understand what I was doing, but she is always up for a good time, so I guess she thought I was cracking a joke of some kind like I usually do when talking about touchy topics. Little did she know how serious I would become.

I asked her to count her spoons. She asked why, and I explained that when you are healthy you expect to have a never-ending supply of “spoons”. But when you have to now plan your day, you need to know exactly how many “spoons” you are starting with. It doesn’t guarantee that you might not lose some along the way, but at least it helps to know where you are starting. She counted out 12 spoons. She laughed and said she wanted more. I said no, and I knew right away that this little game would work, when she looked disappointed, and we hadn’t even started yet. I’ve wanted more “spoons” for years and haven’t found a way yet to get more, why should she? I also told her to always be conscious of how many she had, and not to drop them because she can never forget she has Lupus.

I asked her to list off the tasks of her day, including the most simple. As, she rattled off daily chores, or just fun things to do; I explained how each one would cost her a spoon. When she jumped right into getting ready for work as her first task of the morning, I cut her off and took away a spoon. I practically jumped down her throat. I said ” No! You don’t just get up. You have to crack open your eyes, and then realize you are late. You didn’t sleep well the night before. You have to crawl out of bed, and then you have to make your self something to eat before you can do anything else, because if you don’t, you can’t take your medicine, and if you don’t take your medicine you might as well give up all your spoons for today and tomorrow too.” I quickly took away a spoon and she realized she hasn’t even gotten dressed yet. Showering cost her spoon, just for washing her hair and shaving her legs. Reaching high and low that early in the morning could actually cost more than one spoon, but I figured I would give her a break; I didn’t want to scare her right away. Getting dressed was worth another spoon. I stopped her and broke down every task to show her how every little detail needs to be thought about. You cannot simply just throw clothes on when you are sick. I explained that I have to see what clothes I can physically put on, if my hands hurt that day buttons are out of the question. If I have bruises that day, I need to wear long sleeves, and if I have a fever I need a sweater to stay warm and so on. If my hair is falling out I need to spend more time to look presentable, and then you need to factor in another 5 minutes for feeling badly that it took you 2 hours to do all this.

I think she was starting to understand when she theoretically didn’t even get to work, and she was left with 6 spoons. I then explained to her that she needed to choose the rest of her day wisely, since when your “spoons” are gone, they are gone. Sometimes you can borrow against tomorrow’s “spoons”, but just think how hard tomorrow will be with less “spoons”. I also needed to explain that a person who is sick always lives with the looming thought that tomorrow may be the day that a cold comes, or an infection, or any number of things that could be very dangerous. So you do not want to run low on “spoons”, because you never know when you truly will need them. I didn’t want to depress her, but I needed to be realistic, and unfortunately being prepared for the worst is part of a real day for me.

We went through the rest of the day, and she slowly learned that skipping lunch would cost her a spoon, as well as standing on a train, or even typing at her computer too long. She was forced to make choices and think about things differently. Hypothetically, she had to choose not to run errands, so that she could eat dinner that night.

When we got to the end of her pretend day, she said she was hungry. I summarized that she had to eat dinner but she only had one spoon left. If she cooked, she wouldn’t have enough energy to clean the pots. If she went out for dinner, she might be too tired to drive home safely. Then I also explained, that I didn’t even bother to add into this game, that she was so nauseous, that cooking was probably out of the question anyway. So she decided to make soup, it was easy. I then said it is only 7pm, you have the rest of the night but maybe end up with one spoon, so you can do something fun, or clean your apartment, or do chores, but you can’t do it all.

I rarely see her emotional, so when I saw her upset I knew maybe I was getting through to her. I didn’t want my friend to be upset, but at the same time I was happy to think finally maybe someone understood me a little bit. She had tears in her eyes and asked quietly “Christine, How do you do it? Do you really do this everyday?” I explained that some days were worse then others; some days I have more spoons then most. But I can never make it go away and I can’t forget about it, I always have to think about it. I handed her a spoon I had been holding in reserve. I said simply, “I have learned to live life with an extra spoon in my pocket, in reserve. You need to always be prepared.”

It's hard, the hardest thing I ever had to learn is to slow down, and not do everything. I fight this to this day. I hate feeling left out, having to choose to stay home, or to not get things done that I want to. I wanted her to feel that frustration. I wanted her to understand, that everything everyone else does comes so easy, but for me it is one hundred little jobs in one. I need to think about the weather, my temperature that day, and the whole day’s plans before I can attack any one given thing. When other people can simply do things, I have to attack it and make a plan like I am strategizing a war. It is in that lifestyle, the difference between being sick and healthy. It is the beautiful ability to not think and just do. I miss that freedom. I miss never having to count “spoons”.

After we were emotional and talked about this for a little while longer, I sensed she was sad. Maybe she finally understood. Maybe she realized that she never could truly and honestly say she understands. But at least now she might not complain so much when I can’t go out for dinner some nights, or when I never seem to make it to her house and she always has to drive to mine. I gave her a hug when we walked out of the diner. I had the one spoon in my hand and I said “Don’t worry. I see this as a blessing. I have been forced to think about everything I do. Do you know how many spoons people waste everyday? I don’t have room for wasted time, or wasted “spoons” and I chose to spend this time with you.”

Ever since this night, I have used the spoon theory to explain my life to many people. In fact, my family and friends refer to spoons all the time. It has been a code word for what I can and cannot do. Once people understand the spoon theory they seem to understand me better, but I also think they live their life a little differently too. I think it isn’t just good for understanding Lupus, but anyone dealing with any disability or illness. Hopefully, they don’t take so much for granted or their life in general. I give a piece of myself, in every sense of the word when I do anything. It has become an inside joke. I have become famous for saying to people jokingly that they should feel special when I spend time with them, because they have one of my “spoons”.

And that folks is the spoon theory. The spoon theory of course applies to wheelchair users. In Nemu's case it's more of a magical affliction and doesn't seem to affect her beyond the part about not being able to walk, however, as we've covered, that part is significant. It takes a mental, physical, and emotional toll. Then, other than this whole thing, there's issues with agency and independence. Yk, being able to live unassisted. I think Nemu could mostly handle it because I mean it's all she's ever done (insert parentification issues and her basically having raised herself, etc etc). Now here is a fun topic. How about social consequences? They are in fact significant as well! We just don't see it as much because Nemu's social life generally starts and ends at Touka, who is arguably the best-equipped person for this. You can bet Touka pulled three all-nighters to do research on this the moment she realized Nemu was not going to recover or at least not in the near future, and we already know she's extremely attentive from what we saw in Arc 1, so. Literally the best possible person for Nemu to hang out with, who will also never try to encroach on her decision-making or her boundaries, never try to take freedom or agency away from her, etc. Unfortunately there are more people around Nemu who may not handle it as gracefully (or well. Whatever Touka is doing. Her stunted social skills are actually a good thing when it comes to this).

Let's go from worst to better: Nemu's family. They are literally not mentioned again after Arc 1's final battle, ever. Not even when Chapter 8 happens. Not at all, zero mentions, at least none as far as I know. Which is concerning. Nemu still speaks fondly of them in Arc 2, from the Christmas quotes, but I mean. Desperate for love. Desperately learning her family's favorite foods and colors, fretting over what gift to get her brother. Which is just extra sad knowing that she's probably dead to them (again). I don't think it's a stretch to say that Nemu's family would have ZERO CLUE how to handle the entire topic. Common reactions are either avoidance/pretending it's not there, or severe awkwardness and hesitation that there is no way the wheelchair user won't notice. Particularly if they're a very perceptive person who pays close attention to the people around them (Nemu). I think Nemu's family might be the avoidance type, since they're allergic to making any effort to get to know her or yk treat her as their daughter instead of, parentifying her to hell and back at best. But let's take another couple of examples: Iroha and Ui.

I think those two might be the awkwardness type. Which is, "I have never encountered this problem and I'm not sure how to go about it but I don't want to hurt or offend this person" and normally leads to general insecurity/anxiety about mentioning specific things around the wheelchair user, or inviting them to things, or assigning tasks to them because the person fears they might hurt themselves/be unable to do what you asked, feel worse, etc. It can manifest in many ways and is normally born out of politeness or genuine personal concern for the other, but alas wheelchair users are not (all) blind, so they do very much notice. On their side it's also awkward and hurtful, in most cases. It's bad too when they get condescended or infantilized or as I mentioned before people take their agency away. It's that thing where you assume the wheelchair user needs help for (insert task) and that you're just being nice by lending them a hand but hey, hey. Maybe ask instead of assuming and moving to do a thing for them that you don't know with 100% is something they need help with. Maybe they don't actually need your help (cough savior/hero complex) and I assure you they appreciate being able to do whatever they can by themselves. Yes, it's well-meaning, but that doesn't mean it won't hurt the wheelchair user or make them feel bad/worse about themselves. The infantilization thing is often related to this too.

Next and last, the inner consequences of a significant loss such as this one. This part is about self-perception, perception in regards to the world and to others, and obviously it ties into Nemu's previously established concerns, fears, and general IssuesTM. This is another "sigh where to begin!" moment for me, because as I have established before, Nemu has major issues. Take literally every issue Nemu has ever had and them pump them full of steroids, then assume that bits of those issues drop off the bigger issue blob and grow into new connected issues. That is what this caused. There is of course a fun set of new issues that relate to the old ones but aren't fully connected as well. That being the feeling of being broken, incomplete, defective. For a person like Nemu whose worth is in considerable part determined by how useful she can be to others, that's not good. She's very much the type to keep things in rather than express them, except the precious scarce few times when we see her alone with Touka (you'll notice that usually we don't get scenes of them alone together save for Christmas String where there was A Pressing Issue to solve, normally it's the rest of the cast going to them for something so it's not exactly the correct atmosphere or moment for a vulnerability moment, Nemu has them, we see some, but they are Very Few).

The one comment from when she and Touka were moving their books out of Touka's private room in the hospital (still real gay of Touka to casually of her own will give Nemu a permanent space in her private room just so she could store her books), the one where she gets all droopy about being unable to help with the whole book moving process? Yeah that's your confirmation that as suspected, yes, she was lying when she said "this is fine" at the end of Arc 1. This is not by any means fine. Sure she has accepted it and thinks she deserves it but this is Nemu "I am to blame for damaging the economy of Japan" Hiiragi (I have a screenshot of when she said this) so like gestures vaguely. By that point in Christmas String, as I said before, she's probably been on a wheelchair for months at the very least, so she's had a chance to experience what that's like, among other things. I can't imagine she feels great about it. While simultaneously thinking her intestines should be bundled up with a pitchfork every day at noon for her sins, of course (insert aforementioned self-flagellation issues). Because she blames herself for literally everything and likely also blames herself every single time her inability to walk leaves her unable to do something she could've done before, and may even push herself beyond what's safe and healthy for her at times. Therefore, internally, yeah, Nemu is way worse than before. FORTUNATELY the stress of the Magius and the physical strain from making uwasa are no longer a thing and she has a safe place to be in every day with her partner who understands and loves her and doesn't even think of any adjustments as "effort" (of course this is nothing for Touka, she's a genius, I can hear the Toukitty saying with her nose up in the air like that). So that is, one good thing. And she can likely read more easily.

Unfortunately, Arc 2 also brings stress and more guilt due to the factions. There's the NM guilt and the PB guilt mainly, but also the stress of the few people they care about besides each other (such as Ui and Iroha) being in mortal danger. And what bothers me is, the way this entire thing affects and stimulates Nemu's concerns and fears from before is so criminally overlooked and outright ignored? We saw from her quotes and personal memo that she desperately wants to be loved, desperately wants to not be forgotten, and to leave behind a legacy (this is about the being forgotten part too). A common issue for wheelchair users is, in fact, that they are neglected and forgotten about, often only an afterthought, particularly for the administration. And so it annoys me endlessly that f4 are allergic to handling their disabled main cast member whatsoever and neglect her in much the same way her family does.

Anyway, this isn't exhaustive, there's definitely more to unpack, but it's already very long and I thank everyone who has read this far for your time. I hope it helped you guys understand at least a little bit better.

#magia record #nishiposting #essay #nemu hiiragi

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endenope · 4 months

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I feel like babbling some more, so sorry it its overwhelming or annoying uff

Firstly def will not change, and ratios tdick deserves to get sucked so bad please. I think you just made me realise i have a oral fixiation.

Secondly seeing you draw him with bottom growth, please this is really the first (maybe not im not sure right now) time i see a proper bottom growth drawing. And i feel so much better now about it. Just from one drawing, tho it is from my favourite artist which adds to it hehe. I always struggle but mostly with fanfics bc even it its for trans people it mostly just slaps female anatomy on it and seeing proper representation for once is just making me swoon waaaa. You make me fall so much in love with Ratio and Alhaitham. I already liked identifying with them because it helps me alot and you just deciding they are trans now if not stated otherwise makes everything so much better.

You are one part carrying me through exams and learning stress.

Sorry lot of text and rambling but i needed to get it out, dont feel the need to answer if you dont want to. Have a great night.

-🐉

i draw trans hthm for a long while now (cant say that about ratio considering he just debuted), and i think this is the first time someone commented on it??? makes me super happy to see how it gets noticed!! and how it makes you happy!!

i think most (cis) ppl dont know that we get bottom growth, and some others dont rlly care bc of fetishization reasons (which im not gonna discuss now). i think i read only one fanfic so far that had proper rep (the others dont go into detail ofc so its not like theyre bad or anything!! just that one rlly described it well)

anw words are hard rn but im very happy !! thank you and have a great night as well !

#reply #🐉 anon

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brandwhorestarscream · 2 months

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Skywarp helping Thundercracker get over his depression by telling him to write fanfiction 🤌🤌🤌 like I’ve never considered it before but it’s now been ingrained in my brain that he’s a fanfic writer bc it’s very in character for him. And now skywards gotta figure out how to get Starscream to feel alive. Who knows how he does it. Is it science? Is fashion? Is it G1 starscreams favourite hobby of being a bastard?

It’s probably not that…

I'm glad you asked! I think we've got a pretty great idea for what he does for Starscream

So, Vos is a flying city, right? It's way, waaay up in the atmosphere, barely a gleaming speck when viewed from the ground, and it has no set day or night cycle due to it constantly moving independently of Cybertron's rotation. As a result, though the acid rains they produce nourish the vast crystal flora on the planet beneath them, Vos is entirely barren. It's environment is entirely unfit for crystals and they can't thrive, bleeding their color til they turn gray and shattering to dust within mere hours. Because of this, most Vosians have never even seen a real crystal flower before.

This is where Skywarp comes in. Starscream can only pursue his love of science, of exploration, of the unknown in the palace's vast library. This sort of thing would put Skywarp to sleep, but there's always fire in the prince's optics when he's glued to a textbook or meticulously scanning through advanced theories, and it's clear he's boundlessly curious. He'd love to do some proper hands on science, but it's not necessary for his future as the Winglord to know advanced physics or xenobiology, so the current ruling trine wouldn't approve. In a perfect world, Skywarp would love to see a laboratory space installed in the palace, but seeing as that's not going to happen anytime soon, he sets his sights elsewhere

The idea comes to him after a portrait catches his eye in the halls while he's escorting the prince and his fiance. It's a beautiful painting, lovingly crafted and flawless perfection down to the tiniest detail. It depicts Starscream's carrier, visibly sparked, his chassis glowing softly with the life he carries and belly perfectly round. He's seated in his throne, a regal, serene smile on his face, posture perfect and arms tenderly cradling the swell of his midsection. It was a commemorative painting to celebrate the Winglord's first concieved children, but that's not what garners his attention. No, it's the background: the second Lord of Vos is surrounded by glistening white crystal flowers, reflecting light in rainbow dapples. They're gleaming and glittering and only serve to make him glow with a heavenly backlight.

He asks Starscream if those were real flowers, and he responds that of course they were. It may have been before his birth but he knows perfectly well that his sire would never spring for anything less than the real deal. Skywarp asks if he's ever seen a crystal flower before, and Star kind of sighs, rolling his optics and shaking his helm. Of course he hasn't.

And that prompts Skywarp to suggest that maybe he should.

Starscream scoffs because that's ludicrous. Importing flowers has an asanine price tag, and they shatter within mere megacycles. The dust gets everywhere. He's seen pictures, that's plenty.

But Skywarp jumps in, insistent, "No, I mean, you should grow your own!"

Starscream barks a single, bitter laugh, because surely he must be insane. Crystal flowers dont grow in Vos, it's impossible!

...wait.

Is it impossible?

Skywarp can practically see the gears turning in his head, and goes in for the kill.

He suggests that Starscream experiment. Research. Learn. He's read plenty of books on botany, right? Sorted through academic papers and knows Vos's atmosphere extremely well. If anyone could figure out a way, it would probably be him. Crystal gardens are a common sight amongst the houses of grounders nobility; why should they have anything the seekers don't?

It takes him a long time, a lot of trial and error and a lot of research, combing digital foreign libraries and maybe even writing to botany professors from Praxus or Crystal City. Starscream noticeably changes, becoming brighter and more exuberant now that he has a hobby he truly enjoys. The shelves in his room start filling up with various pots of ground metal soil from the surface, full of seeds and withered half-sprouts, and he's always got his face in a notebook, scribbling away new theories and notes and recording data, tweaking his hypotheses and trying everything he can think of. Thundercracker is always nearby reading his latest romance novel or writing his own fantastical ideas down, and Skywarp is always there too, watching over them and thoroughly enjoying just how happy they look.

And sometimes 🤭 multiple nights a week, Skywarp takes him down to Cybertron. Checking out the gardens and wild fields of flowers around Praxus, maybe even wandering through the delicate forests surrounding Crystal City. Star takes samples and observes them with intense scrutiny, and buys hundreds upon thousands of seeds for his experiments. Skywarp has never seen him so happy, so excited, when his first crystal seed sprouts.

It's after months of work and trial and error, but miraculously, it finally happens: a shy little blue crystal sprig, poking out of it's pot by less than a pinkie's width, but it's there! Starscream is overjoyed, mumbling to himself a mile a minute and rushing to triple check the sample ID and write everything down, as well as begin mass replicating that batch to see if they can get more to grow! He's smiling so widely it looks like his cheeks may become sore, and his wings are fluttering behind him, actually fluttering, he's so pleased with himself. Skywarp lends a hand preparing more pots and flower boxes, and when Thundercracker arrives he congratulates his fiance wholeheartedly. Maybe his endeavor even inspires the blue seeker to write some more 🤭 it may not have been the chemistry lab work ups Starscream used to dream of, but the thrill of scientific experimentation and discovery feels just as good as he thought it would, and for the first time in a long time... he truly feels happy. Content. Fulfilled. And it's all thanks to this lovely courtesan. That night Skywarp puts on the best show he can, and who knows? Maybe someday, he'll be able to dance for them with petals falling from the sky 💖

#courtesan skywarp #starscream #insomnia gang #its 5 a.m. and i still cant sleep lol. help

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ceasarslegion · 14 days

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the frustrating thing about communism is that it doesn't scale. you need to have a central government because if you don't, everyone around you who does have that coordination will either absorb you peacefully or violently. infrastructure requires maintenance, and that maintenance cannot be managed, trained or supplied for without an organizing body. a parliament or congress is the proper form for that body, imo, but you can't not have it.

To be fair, there are many types of communism that cover similar ideas of government. Within every major political ideology, there will be sects like agree on general ideas but differ when it comes to the details of how to make that happen or how to govern such a structure. But i do see where youre coming from, I've also noticed that the nitty gritty boring things that are nonetheless critical for the functioning of a major society are often left at the wayside in (online) communist circles in favour of the revolution pipe dream.

In my opinion, any ideology that hinges on the idea that we can achieve a perfect society at all is already doomed to fail, and often to fall into actual fascism for a number of reasons. Firstly, humans are inherently flawed. Flawed beings can not achieve perfection, period. Secondly, what "perfect" means is very subjective based on experience, ideology, and personal preference, meaning that my idea of perfect would be unlivable for many of the people living in my apartment building, much less within an entire society. And if i were to be put in such a position, it would be dictatorial of me to enforce my idea of perfection upon those people. Thirdly, you will never, ever, EVER have a legitimate society where nobody disagrees with the government. It just doesn't happen without mass enforcement. There will ALWAYS be someone who disagrees with how the show is run, there will ALWAYS be someone who is hurt by ANY system, and there will ALWAYS be someone willing to officially dissent against the government. You could have a society based on the idea that everyone gets free food and shelter and water and energy and free education and puppies and rainbows and unicorns, and you will end up hurting the farmers who have to work disproportionately to others to produce the resources to allow this to happen, and then how are you going to organically convince them that this is for the greater good without some kind of enforcement?

If you can not answer the questions of "how will you deal with dissent in your perfect society," or your answer is "there will not be dissent" then im sorry but theres more than a few red flags in there for me.

Like look, i dont mean to sound like im bragging but i think pointing this out is warranted. All my education is in politics. I have a 4.0 ivy league degree, i come from a family made up entirely of history teachers and local politicians, i have spent years on the frontlines of legitimate activist movements and i volunteer as many extra hours as i can with the NDP, at this point im on a first name basis with multiple local MPs and MPPs within the party. I have read whatever political theory youre about to demand i read to "change my mind." Ive probably read it multiple times in order to write a paper on it. And i still dont have an answer for the question of "so what system wouldnt cause all this hurt?" because all that experience and education has mostly taught me how incredibly ignorant i really am and how i would be a dictator if given absolute power, because everybody would be. Yes, you. You would be too. Sometimes the best answer you have is "i dont know, so right now lets do the best we can with what we have."

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mail-me-a-snail · 5 months

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pls i hope you give us your Vance related PL thoughts one day <3 I’m sure he has a normal time of it

oh man. i could gush for hours about phantom liberty. dlcs dont usually engage me--the most "recent" exception having been destiny 2's last dlc with activision, forsaken--but phantom liberty gripped me by the membrane and throttled me within an inch of my life.

i mean, if it did that to me, imagine what it did to vance.

(spoilers follow)

it isn't 't the first time vance has gotten a holo from an unknown number.

that's the biz; most clients want secrecy. the private type don't trust fixers--they don't do middlemen. they cut straight to the point. vance has dealt with these kinds of clients before. they don't know the streets like he does; they don't give a shit to, either.

they give him the gist of what they want done; the finer details don't matter. job's a job--as long as he takes care of the gonk who needs flatlining, or klep whatever needs klepping, the scratch'll come through, no problem.

that's how it's supposed to go.

but songbird opens with this: she knows what's happening to him. she knows about the relic's slow poison; she knows about vance, who he was, is, and pretends to be; and she knows how to help.

the promise of a cure colors her tone, but she knows better than to make it here and now on the holo. so she asks vance to meet her at the gate to dogtown.

vance is fresh off a gig. he's maybe a kilometer from dogtown proper, can see the open, rounded top of the stadium peeking out from behind the buildings in the distance. black smoke rises over the skyline. seems there's always a fire in dogtown.

he had been nursing a cigarette on his bike--jackie's arch--when songbird had called him. he flicks what remains of the cigarette onto the pavement. grinds it out under his heel. he mounts the arch.

private-types always end up asking to meet at a secondary location.

this--this part of the routine that's been ingrained in him for the past year or so--he knows how to follow.

the malfunction tears through his parts with the precision of a ripper's scalpel.

it knows where to curl its long, electric-blue fingers in his internal wires. it knows how hard to tug; it doesn't stop, either. the force of it sours, taut, in the back of vance's throat.

the silver prongs connected to his spine rattle. they shake until they buzz--then that buzz sharpens into ringing. one constant note, ringing into eternity, rising without changing pitch.

it aches from within vance's very teeth. sits heavy on his useless tongue--the same tongue he fears that he'll end up biting during one of these seizures.

there was a time when the relic thought him still human. it's only recently that it's learned the true nature of its host. it's only recently that it's found out how much more it can feed on.

it's only recently that it's started affecting johnny, too.

he doesn't know how it happens--doesn't know if johnny's starting to share his pain, or if they're feeling each other's in a tenuous feedback loop.

either way, the relic is decaying, and it's taking them with it.

vance curls up against the nearest solid mass he can find; remembers he has to breathe; forgets, exactly, how to do that; reaches for johnny, who's seizing right in front of him--

and songbird reaches back.

she touches his shoulder. her hand carries no weight other than that of buzzing static. the sound bleeds into the malfunction's miasma of noise. she speaks, carefully, calmly, but whatever she says, the relic swallows.

her words seem to please it, however--because a few moments later, the malfunction trickles away. it leaves nothing in its wake but a bone-deep soreness and a few blue tessellations crackling across johnny's non-corporeal form.

the large lapels of songbird's jacket curl around her throat. beneath that and a number of colorful pins, she wears a rather nondescript netrunning suit in contrast. vance doesn't miss the cyberdeck attached to her hip.

she looks like any other runner. in fact, vance had traipsed around night city in something similar an eternity ago--only difference being the absence of his team colors of hexagonal red-and-black.

but she's got no symbols of her own. no iconography denoting her allegiance to any one patron. he would've taken her for one of the afterlife's enny-a-dozen netrunners, then--had it not been for the fact that she could see johnny.

she touches him, too. she grasps the ghost's shoulder as easily as if--as if...she were a ghost herself.

data crackles in vance's ear; it's not the relic's tell-tale, almost musical blue purr. he usually welcomes the sound because it means johnny's somewhere around him, some lame-ass quip ready to fall from his lips.

but this data is red and black and angry and alive.

it writhes; spits; it takes johnny with it.

for the first time in the past few months, vance's head falls quiet.

it's so quiet that the absence feels more like a cavity.

it aches like one, too.

she's not like any other runner, if she can do that.

the realization leaves him reeling with more than just the after-effects of a relic malfunction: it's got him dizzy with the idea that she's like him.

songbird doesn't win vance over by taking johnny away from him. he can feel her confusion with that underlying her every instruction, but she's got bigger things to worry about.

ask any of the techies from his arasaka days and they'd tell you this: vance is the last person to give a shit about the president of the NUSA.

he's not an NUSA citizen; he's especially not about to lick her heels just 'cause she used to run militech, either. his parents had fought in the war she had started all those years ago--it's in his corpo blood to hate her, or, at least, what she stands for.

but a job's a job, and song's not gonna give johnny up until vance swallows his pride.

he'll do as she says. he's got too much to lose not to.

that same red data plays with vance's surroundings as songbird talks to him. she props open doors; gets rusted old elevators groaning back to life; all from the relative safety of--wherever she is.

that takes skill. splitting himself in two like that--he could never pull that trick off, not for lack of trying.

granted, arasaka hadn't built him to be stationary. they had made sure he'd always be on the move. they had grafted an entire torso's worth of realskinn onto him so his machine parts could breathe in the cool, polluted air of night city as he ran through its gutter-like streets.

and that living data--it's as bright as copper and just as conducive; it carries with it that same, rotting taste. it's not just any fancy code. it's not even something that could be called a runner's signature; calling it that would imply it's likely to allow someone ownership.

that code isn't just black with ICE--it is ICE. it's several layers of thick, hostile ICE.

vance had only seen such a thing in cyberspace. way out there, lurking on the horizon, ever-present and closely guarded.

(because of the highly personalized nature of cyberspace, perhaps vance had invited it to stay).

even with his pull in arasaka's ranks, neither the techies or netwatch would've ever let him touch the blackwall.

but song's got it eating out of the palm of her hand.

...which means rosalind myer's been keeping what she doesn't understand on a leash for the past decade, and no one's been the wiser.

not even arasaka.

later, when he looks rosalind in the eye as he digs the tracker out of her neck--his touch comes too soft for someone like her, he realizes, though he doesn't do so on purpose--he wonders if she knows who, or what, he is.

if, if she does, then she must know what arasaka had intended him to be--why wouldn't she, after all, when song had been the one to order him after her?

johnny fills their first night in dogtown with doubt.

"this a normal tuesday for ya, v?" he asks vance. the ghost sits backwards on a rusted old folding chair in front of him. "savin' the skin of the fuckin' president of the NUSA?"

"sure," vance answers. he can't sleep. hasn't tried.

they both listen to myers breathing on the next mattress over for few moments.

then, he continues, quieter this time. "way things'll be goin', seems we're punchin' hansen's ticket same time next week."

johnny rests his chin on his crossed arms. his chrome arm gleams in the low, blue light coming from what could generously be called a window.

"think you're gonna be outta here that fast?" johnny shakes his head. "ain't how quick myers and her ilk operate."

"bureaucracy, that it? gotta wait for the paperwork to zero hansen?"

(he's not a stranger to the concept, but he had figured he had left that sort of thing behind.)

the ghost hums as the thought passes through their shared subconscious.

"'s not the NUSA tellin' ya to zero 'im. that's how they do biz: they get an idea in your head, and--'fore ya know it--they're washing their hands of you."

vance sighs; one long, full body sigh, broad shoulders rising and falling with it. this scop again.

he eases backwards into the mattress that he sits on. a spring digs against his back. he runs his hands down his face; the monowire pads pressed into his palms are marble smooth on his cheeks. he sets his hands on his chest.

data purrs--relic blue, this time--as johnny manifests beside him.

the latter turns his head to the former. johnny's eyes remain on the ceiling; his features are hard to discern from the stark shadows falling across his face. his long hair fans out around him. it's easy to forget, sometimes, especially in quiet moments like this, that johnny isn't even really there.

vance takes the illusion as it is, without question, and follows johnny's eyes to the popcorned ceiling.

"don't doubt you know what you're talkin' about," vance offers.

"but you're still gonna help 'er," johnny counters, quickly.

"mmhmm."

he makes a show of sighing. "why am i not surprised?"

"'cause you'd do the same."

"bullshit."

"so, yer sayin'--" vance props himself up on one elbow, dog tags coming to dangle around his neck-- "that even if there's a pretty damn real possibility of gettin' you off the relic--

"--big fuckin' if, don't ya think--"

"--you ain't even gonna stick around to find out if it's true?"

"there it is again--if, v, if."

"but what if it is true?" vance tips his head. "what if song really could help us?"

johnny finally looks at him. his lips are pressed into a thin line; he's not pleased. "what the hell was it that i just said, v? they get an idea in yer head--"

"--then they wash their hands of ya. i know." he lies back down, the motion a concession in and of itself. "heard ya the first time."

"ya got too much hope than what's good for ya, v." johnny turns on his side to face him. "'s how they get their claws in you. promise you one thing, quid-pro-quo, and they'll lead you down a shithole of your own makin'. just can't see how far you've dug yourself 'til you're lookin' up from rock bottom."

"fuck," vance breathes, amused. he meets johnny's eyes with a grin. "run that last line by me one more time, johnny--gotta make sure i got it down for the silverhand doctrine."

"oh--" johnny laughs, dry but warm-- "fuck off, v."

vance meets reed in the following days; he had almost missed the pressure of a gun nestling between his ribs. then, alex, if that really is her name this time.

he sees how the years between them have soured--both the time they had spent on the field together, and the time they had spent apart afterwards.

he learns how song had betrayed reed--on rosalind's orders.

just how far does the shithole go?

can't answer that without stopping to look up.

and they can't stop, not yet; hansen's playing diplomat with night city's brightest and boldest, songbird's in her cage, and the black sapphire's looking like the place to be.

vance doesn't miss johnny's glance over--doesn't miss how quickly johnny looks away when he catches the ghost staring, either.

the shell of johnny's ear and the red piercings clipped into the cartilage face vance. the latter pale in comparison to the blush dusting johnny's scruffy cheek.

vance sidles up to him--away from reed's eyes--and leans into his space. the black mesh stretching across his stomach and chest whispers with the motion. it's soft against his exposed skin. he tucks his hands behind his back.

"like what you see?" vance teases, in a murmur.

johnny finds the sea of other brightly colored guests very interesting all of a sudden. he's so intrigued by them that he doesn't dignify vance's question with a response.

it's at the black sapphire that vance sees so mi for what she really is: little of flesh, all machine. myers had not done for song what arasaka had done for vance; she hadn't deigned to hide the true nature of her prize netrunner.

white, block letters run up song's spine and spell MILITECH. myers hadn't bothered hide the mark of her allegiance, either.

or, perhaps, the mark of her owner.

embossed letters spell ARASAKA on vance's innermost machine parts. when he sees song's back for the first time, he swears he can almost feel those letters start to itch.

even after vance learned what song had done to reed; had learned how far she was willing to go; how much she was willing to give; he would have never turned her in.

it's not because reed and alex had needlessly killed the two netrunners they had stolen the identities of. it's not because reed makes his skin crawl, reminding him too much of white, sterile clinics and martyr-like vows of loyalty and the absence of a worthwhile life outside of bureaucratic routine. it's not because of so mi's promise to help him, either.

he doesn't turn her in because if it had been him in her shoes--and it could've very easily turned out that way for him, had arasaka pushed him a little farther--he would've done anything to be free, too.

she is not like him--that implies they're on equal footing.

no, she is exactly what arasaka had wanted. she is what they had spent ten years trying to (unknowingly) replicate. she is the perfection of red and black and angry and alive data.

she had existed this whole time--and vance had had no idea.

he and johnny have a bond that goes beyond flesh and bone and chrome. if there's ever a day where they're finally separated, vance will think that separation only superficial.

but vance and songbird...

songbird is the netrunner vance would've been had arasaka kept going. if they hadn't resigned to throwing him out when they deemed him "obsolete".

if song hadn't chipped through the blackwall of her own volition--would rosalind myers, former ceo of arasaka's rival company militech, still have kept her around?

if vance had gone against arasaka's wishes and interacted with the blackwall--would they have called him obsolete?

would he have even met johnny? so mi?

how deep would they have been willing to dig themselves if it meant having a chance at survival?

it's like johnny had said--can't answer that without looking up from rock bottom.

but all vance sees is song leaving him behind; all he sees is the promise she had never truly made; all he sees are stars.

#asks #vance #OH MAN THIS GOT SO LONG. IF YOU MADE IT THIS FAR THANK YOU FOR READING #BUT ALSO JESUS CHRIST SORRY I GOT REALLY AUTISTIC.#WHOOOWEEE #my writing #im so fuckign eeped up man #phantom liberty #phantom liberty spoilers

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more-than-tender-curiosity · 3 months

Note

16, 19, 22, 25 for the fandom asks

16. can't understand why so many people love blonde daisy. i mean, logically, I get that she's constantly cast as a blonde IN THE MOVIES, but if you ACTUALLY FUCKING READ THE BOOK she has dark hair. the inverse goes for jordan.

19. because i dont really. have anything for gatsby proper..............well. in terms of gatsbyverse, I could fix robert. and that's...that's me saying that with what I know. i hope yall are ready for a whole new level of psychosexual crazy that will put jay gatsby to shame.

22. again the character designs (except blonde nick <3). like fitz might have made an oversight making SO many characters blonde but I think color-coding is SUCH an important part of fitz's symbolism that ignoring it is just. in such bad taste. plus daisy having dark hair is a direct product of her being ginevra king in different clothing, and I LOVE the real world ties gatsby has. it's all very important to me. i want these guys as close to real as possible.

25. "yall all hate daisy because you're sexist!!" yeah! a lot of us hated daisy because we were sexist at age fourteen fifteen whatever. but goddamn. the fandom at least as I have seen it has grown up TREMENDOUSLY and whenever a new crop of sophomores roll up hating on daisy, we set them right—and even then, I haven't seen an actual I Hate Daisy post in SO long, and I check this fucking tag fifty times a day. god. but I still recommend that if you hate daisy, really, really check up on exactly why. sexism's roots go deep deep deep and often you'll cover it up with 'i just hate the rich' (which is based) when you don't give the same scrutiny to tom or jay. AND ANOTHER THING. ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COIN.

JAY GATSBY IS NOT TO BE DISMISSED AS JUST A CREEPY STALKER MANBABY. WHAT. HUH. HUH??? WHAT???? HUH???????? DO YOU HAVE CRITICAL THINKING SKILLS? HAVE YOU PERHAPS SCRATCHED THE CRYSTAL CLEAR VENEER OFF THIS BOOK YET TO SEE THAT? PERHAPS? IT MIGHT BE SIGNIFICANT OF SOMETHING DEEPER THAN THAT? I would explain it more in detail but this post is long enough and I'm big mad now.

#the great gatsby #jay gatsby #nick carraway #jordan baker #the great askby

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coconoct · 13 days

Text

just a little coco redesign :3c

link if you wanna see the old design

not gonna post the full details of the design here cause i dont think that rlly matters lol also don't mind the boots i cannot draw anything past the knees like at all 💀💀

ik i wrote lil drabbles of them from time to time but this post will be the "official" one introducing them since i never rlly gave a proper introduction

as a heads up i'll be using both commandant and skk interchangeably bc i'm consistently inconsistent 👍

basic info

name: coco

prns: they/them

vocation: cerberus commandant

about

always carries chocolate wherever they go and would even snack on it while carrying out missions on earth.

most people would often know if coco is around by the sudden scent of chocolate in the air. vera, 21, and noctis are the only people constructs that associate coco's scent w smth other than chocolate

is often hidden away in their squad's lounge area when on standby for missions, usually handling any sort of files or paperwork

if they're not in the lounge, then they're in the library either working or conversing with noan or simultaneously doing both

expresses their gratitude through actions and gifts rather than words

often seen as very reserved due to only speaking when spoken to when around most people that aren't in their squad

with that being said it's rumored that if you bad mouth any of the cerberus members, whether you noticed their presence (during the bad mouthing) or not they will haunt you in the worst ways possible

another rumor has it that while their smile is generally more comforting than the uh... other members of cerberus.... their smile when confronting those who slander cerberus is more terrifying than the trio combined

how they became cerberus' skk

formerly gray raven's skk, vera carried out her plans of kidnapping coco and make them cerberus' skk, tho rather than coco trying to fight against it, they willingly complied and offered to help w the coverup, even as far as talking to murray directly abt transferring him to be gray raven's skk so that he can finally be alongside lee in the closest way possible. this whole plan took place right around chapter 15, the last spark, after skk successfully returns from atlantis

tl;dr rozen's secrets 10 and 12 came true, murray and gr skk just switch places lol

relationship w vera

vera would always try to tease and make lies to see some sort of idiotic expression on coco's face, but they picked it up rather quickly and would either play along or tease back

vera tends to give most of the paperwork to coco just cause she doesnt want to do it

even tho the two of them have looked at each other's files and vera even going as far as hunting down every little detail abt coco's past, neither of them could really understand each other, nor do they really have the social skills to get to properly have that conversation

despite not really knowing each other to the fullest, the both could at least agree on maintaining the existence of cerberus and their teammates

vera often worries abt coco, but would never outright say it. its not everyday you see an f.o.s. chief be so willing to break every rule they learned when training to be a commandant. she often thinks they're just as reckless as noctis at times if not more than him

despite everything, its still a mystery to vera of why coco was so willing to transfer out of gray raven

relationship w 21

took the most time to adjust to coco

given cerberus now has an on-field skk and 21 needing to be more closely monitored than the others, it took a while for her to be comfortable w having constant m.i.n.d. connections w coco

once 21 fully became comfortable w their presence, she'd ask them to join her to watch animal documentaries

indulges 21 in her story writing, giving her books and movies from the wgaa for inspiration

coco basically semi-treats 21 like she's their daughter

relationship w noctis

they're married :) /hj

noctis was the most excited out of the 3 when coco officially became cerberus' skk

also was the least obedient when it came to listening to coco due to his very "lone wolf" mindset at times

to get him to listen, coco decided to attach a leash on him, in which vera's initial reaction was of both amusement of coco's stupidity and disbelief that it'd actually work

much to either of their surprise, it did work 💀 which made vera and 21 laugh their asses off over how noctis could be easily tamed w a rather small and albeit dumb trick

nowadays coco carries the leash as an intimidation factor for noctis to behave

out of the 3, noctis is the one that spends the most time w coco, considering his reputation of being obnoxious has led to him being held back on quite a few occasions and have coco watch over him while vera and 21 go on missions as per nikola's orders. during those times, coco would need to do a remote connection and would update noctis over what's going on

calls each other "partner" when not on missions/formal occasions

cerberus on-field

while coco is on-field alongside their teammates, they tend to let the trio complete missions in whatever method they're most comfortable w, only intervening when asked by the members or if a certain method will create too drastic of a casualty

coco's main job is to give a brief overview of the mission and clean up the trio's mess/deal w the aftermath, they'll often do other small tasks in the meantime while the trio handles the bigger (and supposedly more "fun") tasks

a lot of other commandants would comment abt this tactic being "lazy" since coco doesn't appear to do all that much on the surface, only for coco to retort w "ok so why don't you be cerberus' commandant for a day and show me how i'm supposed to act" with a shit-eating grin on their face which makes the others immediately take back their statement and shut up abt how coco operates as a commandant. the trio (if around) would also chime in and scare the others even more than what coco initially intended

some other bits that idk where to categorize them in

earpiece would almost always have music playing

coco's reputation slowly deteriorated over time. a once beacon of hope now often seen as someone who's fallen from grace

the unapproachable nature of cerberus made people believe that coco, as a former gray raven commandant, would try to "fix" them, only to find out that coco fully embraces and encourages cerberus' behavior, which made the whole squad more terrifying than before

coco now often refuses to partake in any sort of mission that would make them go solo (i.e. constructs from cerberus wont be joining directly alongside them), stating things like "there are many other commandants out there that can easily perform just as well if not better than them" and "only cerberus can fully guarantee their safety"

#i could totally write more but i'll stop myself while i still can lmao #pgr #pgr oc #pgr commandant #my ocs :]

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red-moon-at-night · 10 months

Note

you are not losing your mind by yourself about this. we are losing our minds together. 🤝. i went through the drama cds and made a list. es has hit every single male prisoner except, ironically, fuuta. (which is interesting, because fuuta tried to attack them twice in the first interrogation. instead of responding with violence, they just make fun of him.) that being said, here’s my Es Violence Compilation:

1. Haruka: Slapped “with all [their] might” for his self-deprecating comments. (Es got mad that he said they would abandon him.) First trial.

2. Haruka (again): Slapped for attempting to attack them and “being an idiot”. Second trial.

3. Shidou: Kicked in the shin (hard) for treating Es like a child and patting their head. First trial.

4. Mikoto: Smacked to wake him up after being knocked unconscious by Kotoko.

5. Kazui: Slapped in the face to prove a point after Kazui speculated that since they couldn’t attack Es, Es couldn’t attack them, either. (Understandable, given the initial panic caused by Kazui’s little stunt at the beginning.) First trial.

6. Kazui (again): Punched in the face (hard) for being condescending and staring at them. Second trial.

7. Amane: Held in place briefly to prove a point about her “God complex” or something.

8. Muu: Shoved away when she tried to shake them while they were having a breakdown over their identity and free will.

My main takeaway from this is that they don’t like to be touched. For starters, their reaction to Shidou patting their head is… genuinely worrying. Like… man (horse). Part of it is Es being mad about Shidou treating them like a child, but the shaken voice and shaky deep breaths following the little head pat are backstory crumbs, I can feel it. Probably. Also, after punching Kazui in the second trial, they say “it was an instinctive reaction.” The common denominator between these two events is Es saying “[Relieved sigh] I feel much better now.” (I compared the actual audio to double-check the translations I was reading. Es says “sukkiri” in both instances, which translates to “refreshing” or “I feel better”. It’s the kind of thing you say when you get a nice glass of water after being out in the sun for a while, or something. Very funny detail to me.) The other obvious instance that leads me to this conclusion is that time Es was having a breakdown during Muu’s first trial interrogation. Muu shakes them when they don’t respond, and they shove her away and shout, “Shut up! Don’t touch me!” (There’s a sound effect here that implies they gave her another shove or smacked her away from them, too.) Of course, the clearest problem presented by this incident is the fact that Es has a mental breakdown when asked if their decisions are made with their own free will, but I’m not focusing on that right now. I don’t know why I suddenly switched to proper capitalization and punctuation in this. I am filled with both dread and excitement at the prospect of learning more about Es’s backstory. There’s Something Going On There.

anon I want you to know that when I received this ask I practically exploded into fireworks out of sheer joy and delight. thank you for this addition!! thank you!! 💜

I dont have anything to add at this point in time because I think you did such a great job of succinctly putting this together... I completely agree with your analysis!

There's definitely Something Going On Here and I think we're slowly gonna be drip-fed crumbs of their backstory and it's our job to pay attention and piece it together. Unless of course they give us a huge infodump at the end of t3 and then I shall simply go feral on sight

You are so super cool by the way for going back and checking all the voice dramas!! I'm really grateful for this list it's a good reference so thanks again!! you're a legend ilu

#milgram #Es #analysis #ask #I wish I could put into words better how much I love this ask ;w; I am filled with whimsy and joy...#we are losing our minds together indeed 🤝#the sukkiri tidbit is making me laugh btw I love that for them asdfghjkl #also I saw ur extra ask and I think you got all the trials right?? I'm not seeing anything incorrect I think you're good dw!!#fav

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minquiec · 10 months

Text

My 5k word essay on why I like bringing pain and suffering to the two idiots I love dearly (A thesis)

[alternative title being: me ranting abt jipunk for 2 hours straight im kiddingg]

So like

At this point I'm pretty sure most people can tell I enjoy pulling angst out of nowhere for absolutely NO reason necessary other than pain heeheehaahaa well it ain't gonna stop 😁 CAUSE TRUST THAT I will make sure every au I ever make of these two end in numbingly tragic angst one way or the other 🦅 jkjk they won't all be that bad it'll just have varying degrees of sadness

Anyways

I actually do have a reason for never giving them a happy (canonical or implied) happy ending ☝️ the thing abt me is every detail or like choice I make in character design/relationship/etc is that it's always intentional (most of the time) like there's always some kind of corny reason behind it bc I'm jwndkwjd insane and just think too hard abt two characters that don't even exist.

So like so like

I am an absolute loser for tropes like 'in another life' or 'in every life' or just anything among those lines. Like genuinely it does smth irreparable to my brain it's not even funny.

And basically the thought process for jipunk was like they're LITERALLY from different universes which quite literally means they can't end up together bc it's just not possible. But tbh the whole multiverse logic and how it works is up to interpretation cause y'know it's just a movie but personally I see it as smth pretty impossible for lore sake and stuff HAHSHA

So because the 'original' jipunk (atsv versions) can't end up together, I decided to go and think

"HMM."

"WHAT IF THEY ARE THE EPITOME OF 'ill find you in every universe" BUT EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM END IN THE SAME WAY (never ending up tgt)"

Cause for the different au's each of them is technically a different reincarnate in different worlds with different lives.

And like going back to when I said varying levels of sadness: what I meant was in some aus they'll be literally universes apart (which in itself is already sad asf) but in other aus they could live in the same world but their lives are like perpendicular lines because they'll meet and then never cross paths again (BECAUSE this is what their fate is supposed to be if we base it off their atsv counter parts: they were never meant to be bc they're from different universes)

BUT DONT KILL ME YET BC

technically

teccchnicaalllllyyy

In the long run they do have a happy ending

(longass run bru)

So there isn't a proper timeline for which universes 'happen first' bc that just doesn't make sense but

The modern au where it has the convenience store

Is their happy ending

Endgame au fr

Cause if you think abt it right (this is a headcanon), hb isn't the type of person to fall in love based on looks.

Yet in the modern au he ends up crushing on a silly little employee of the convenience store he goes to.

And like it's just this pull he can't understand for the life of him??? Cause it feels so shallow to him to like someone bc he thinks their pretty

Little does he know

So after they get tgt in the modern au, I'm thinking of this one moment where he kind of figures it out/sort of/not really but he is just like

"idk what it is but it feels like I've spent lifetimes with you"

BECAUSE YOU HAAAAAAVE@)$()2(# AAAAAAUEGEGHHEGEG JM SOBBING

HE SAYS IT BC HE REALIZES HIS SOUL IS JUST SO COMFORTABLE WITH HER PRESENCE ALMOST LIKE ITS GOTTEN USED TO IT SINCE A LONG LONG TIME AGO

And I realized just now but omfg the comic I made where he drunk confess and goes 'I liked you first'

HES LITERALLY BEEN LIKING HER FIRST IN THEIR FIRST LIFE (ATSV) IM GOING TO FUCKIGNNEF THROIWN UP

Soulmates idc idc IDCCCC

Took the quote I love you in every lifetime and RAAAAANNNN WITH IT

I enjoy tragic love stories tm

This isn't delusion anymore this is derangement

They r so dear to me

They are my kdramas, they are my bridgerton, they are my therapy this is how I cope.

#jipunk #lorerambles

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pesterloglog · 3 months

Text

Rose Lalonde, Kanaya Maryam, Jade Harley

Page 565-572

ROSE: Kanaya,

ROSE: It looked for a moment back there as if you were going to actually go through with our "Mutilate The Hostage Beyond Recognition" ruse.

ROSE: With Yiffy rescued and the other children absent, might now be an appropriate time to... hash it all out?

KANAYA: Mm

KANAYA: And What Do You Feel Needs to be Hashed Exactly

JADE: ugh... well

JADE: kanaya i know you havent been very happy and youre probably super frustrated

JADE: but first off i want to say thank you soooo much for putting everything aside to help us

JADE: youre the reason i have my girl back!

JADE: and with minimal bullet holes too! haha

KANAYA: Ha Ha Ha

JADE: ... also... you have every right to be angry!!

JADE: this isnt a little white lie, its a whole bed of secrets which then became an entire child

JADE: but whatever it takes to earn back your trust ill do it!

JADE: ever since we first met ive respected you, felt cared for by you

JADE: i hate how i returned that kindness...

ROSE: Jade.

JADE: and of course you arent obligated to ever forgive me but... i dont want to lose you too!

JADE: i love you kanaya

JADE: youre my family

KANAYA: You Fucked My Wife

ROSE: Exhales.

KANAYA: My Apologies Jade

KANAYA: That Was Very Brave And Of Course Extremely Forthcoming Of You

KANAYA: A Refreshing Change Of Pace From The Ongoing Process Of Haggling The Truth Out Of The Two Of You Detail By Sordid Detail Following The "Yiffy Reveal"

ROSE: Implying we are leaving out information that could remedy this situation.

KANAYA: Implying

ROSE: Sorry.

KANAYA: I Didnt Want You To Remedy The Situation

KANAYA: I Wanted You To Own It

KANAYA: Instead You Let John Lead The Conversation With His Stupid Questions

KANAYA: And Sprinkled Out A Gauche Attempt At A Tear

JADE: but-

ROSE: A bit shameless perhaps.

JADE: !

KANAYA: It Was Theatrical

KANAYA: Well Unlike John I Am Not A Stranger To Your Lives

KANAYA: When You Feed Me Some Half Baked Lie About Karkat And Dave Wanting To Adopt I Know Better

KANAYA: And Though That Travesty Of A Name Is Undoubtedly An Incomprehensibly Offensive Piece Of This Particular Puzzle

KANAYA: What I See Is Not An Explanation

KANAYA: But A Glossing Over Of The Worst Detail

ROSE: Jane.

KANAYA: Rose That Woman Is Going To Ruin The Future For Our Daughter

KANAYA: And You Snuggled Into A Secrets Bed With Her

KANAYA: For So Long I Couldnt Convince You To Share A Cup Of Tea With Jade

KANAYA: Then Years Later You Happen To Grow A Sympathy Gland And Decide To Jump Right To Sharing Offspring

JADE: its my fault kanaya! she was the only option i had left...

KANAYA: Sure Let Us Go With That Considering Your Stated Distaste For Ectobiology

KANAYA: Thats Only Suitable For Trolls Correct?

JADE: no!

JADE: everyone deserves a choice

JADE: but...

JADE: i already have an entire kingdom of ecto-children

JADE: this had to be different

ROSE: No one wants to contribute to the off brand doppelgangers strolling the streets.

ROSE: Easily the worst aspect of this place.

KANAYA: Is That Why You Acquiesced

KANAYA: ?

KANAYA: Because I Am Stumped On That Part As Well

KANAYA: If Memories Serves When We Were Adopting Vriska

KANAYA: I Mentioned The Precarious Possibility Of A Jadedavekat Brood

KANAYA: What Is It That You Said Again

ROSE:

KANAYA: I Believe Your Approximate Verbiage Was That "Their Dysfunctional Human Centipede Of A Relationship Is Soaking With Lighter Fluid And Begging To Burn" And That You Would Feel Sorry For The Grub

KANAYA: Jades Qualities Rang Too Familiar Right

KANAYA: Evasive

KANAYA: Pushy

KANAYA: Lacking In Proper Coping Mechanisms

KANAYA: Carrying An Air Of Unspeakable Sadness

KANAYA: The Poor Kid

ROSE: Congratulations.

ROSE: You've managed to exhume the solemn cadaver of my mother's memory and make her the star of another argument.

KANAYA: As If You Ever Bothered To Bury Her

ROSE: What does this have to do with anything!?

KANAYA: What I Am Doing Is Demonstrating That I Have No Intention To Mediate This Situation

KANAYA: Or Pacify It

KANAYA: Or Even Be A Little Bit Nice Right Now

KANAYA: So Perhaps Youll Actually Take Me Seriously For Once

KANAYA: Instead Of Assuming You Can Pull The Baabeast Keratin Over My Eyes And Distract Me From The Awful Reality

KANAYA: That You Trusted A Monster Over Me

KANAYA: And Cant Even Tell Me Why!

ROSE: And if you don’t like the answers?

KANAYA: That Is Future Roses Problem

ROSE: I see...

ROSE: Ok.

JADE: (ok...?)

ROSE: I want it on the record, involving Jane was not my decision.

ROSE: But it was a pre-established requisite that I did not fight against.

ROSE: It is Jade’s child after all.

ROSE: And you’re not completely wrong, either.

ROSE: I may have felt some... pang of responsibility. For a litany of psychologically revealing reasons.

ROSE: But more than anything else, I took her up on it because it felt oddly

ROSE: inevitable.

ROSE: Anyways,

ROSE: Deep down, I knew it didn’t matter.

ROSE: However we handled it.

ROSE: Whatever hurt we caused.

ROSE: It was never that serious.

ROSE: I knew you would forgive me.

KANAYA: Rose

KANAYA: When Did You Stop Trying

JADE: yeah rose!!!!!

JADE: what the fuck!!!!

JADE: this is not what we discussed...

JADE: you're devaluing kanaya's feelings, minimizing our impact on her!

JADE: woah, im defending you!!!

KANAYA: NO

KANAYA: YOU ARE PISSING ME OFF

JADE: b-but i just dont want things to get even worse!!!!!!

KANAYA: Then Stop Pretending That My Feelings Are Top Priority

KANAYA: AND TRY BEING HONEST FOR ONCE

JADE: WHAT DOES IT EVEN MATTER!!!!!!!

KANAYA: Excuse Me?

JADE: you heard me!

JADE: you were wronged kanaya!

JADE: the truth cant change that

JADE: saying it just fucking hurts more

JADE: what does that accomplish?

JADE: its so embarrassing, would you even get it if i had?

JADE: you havent been alone since we were thirteen

JADE: and the first chance you got you packed up your cosmic purpose and hid away in the brooding caverns

JADE: you have no idea what its like out there

JADE: how traumatizing dating regular citizens was

JADE: imagine trying to love someone who already knows every available detail about you

JADE: who has *opinions* on what happened to you as a child

JADE: who assumes youre indestructible

JADE: newsflash it fucking sucks!!!!!!! because no matter how nice they were

JADE: they didnt want to know me

JADE: they wanted to date the god of space

JADE: and i felt SORRY

JADE: for disappointing *THEM*!!!!!

KANAYA:

ROSE: I had my suspicions but I had no idea it’d been that bad.

ROSE: You didn’t even hint at it.

JADE: why would i?????

JADE: so everyone could lecture me again on how "bad" my "boundaries" are?

ROSE: (I did that one time.)

JADE: you want bad boundaries

JADE: do you know how many people would be waiting outside public bathrooms to talk to me about their problems?

JADE: this one guy randomly started apologizing because they cooked their hamster in the microwave!

JADE: and they looked so sad... i had to hug them and say it was ok

JADE: but it was not ok!

JADE: they murdered their hamster!

Rose: Ugh...

JADE: and their other hamster killed itself

KANAYA: JADE

JADE: out of loneliness!!!!!

KANAYA: GET TO THE POINT

KANAYA: !!!!!!!!

JADE: millions of people told me they loved me

JADE: but i was never a real person to them

JADE: i couldn't let that happen to yiffy too

KANAYA: What

JADE: i had to save her kanaya!

JADE: give her the chance to grow up as a normal kid with a normal life

JADE: not one where people would befriend her to get close to me

JADE: or fucking bark at her while walking down the street!!!!!!!

JADE: and jane had the resources to provide that

JADE: every scare weve had she was able to cover up

JADE: she literally controls the media for christs sake

KANAYA: We Could Have Figured It Out

KANAYA: Indebting Yourselves To The Second Coming Of The Condescension Was Hardly The Only Answer

KANAYA: I Was Right Here

JADE: thats true but

JADE: you could have said no

JADE: or worse

JADE: i can live with rose doing this because she wanted to see what would happen

JADE: but i couldnt stand the idea of owing my kid to the fact you felt sorry for me!

JADE: especially after the dave and karkat... situation...

JADE: i couldnt do that again

KANAYA: We Could Have Helped You If You Let Us

JADE: i needed a fresh start, not to sit around taking care of grubs and watching shitty romcoms forever and wasting away in an empty house!

JADE: i wanted to live!

JADE: and living here is already so hard

JADE: and not only because of the war or what happened to dirk or whatever the hell is wrong with john

JADE: the world is fucked!!!

JADE: and yet, despite all that, yiffy turned out to be so good

JADE: and she's mine.

JADE: yiffy exists because i needed her to.

JADE: ... shes the only future i have left

KANAYA:

ROSE:

JADE:

KANAYA: Jade I Recognize You Have Had To Sacrifice Principles To Survive

KANAYA: And That Is Hard To Live With

KANAYA: Even Now I Can Sympathize

KANAYA: But 15 Years

KANAYA: ?

JADE:

KANAYA: Even If I Didnt Want Her

KANAYA: She Was Already Here

KANAYA: So Why Make It Worse

KANAYA: Why Perpetuate The Lie

JADE: i...

#homestuck #homestuck^2 #rose lalonde #kanaya maryam #jade harley #homestuck^2 act 1 #pagd 565 #page 566 #page 567 #page 568 #page 569 #page 570 #page 571 #page 572

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