#dude I’ve started and. this shit is emotionally devastating

[milogoestogreendale]

erm should i fully commit to projecting in this fic and give brad my niche disability that no one fucking knows about

[flieslikeamoron]

Sleight of Hand [Steddie Fic - 19/19]

It took over a year, but IT'S DONE. 140K! Put it on my tombstone! 

Okay, it's long as shit... But what’s it about you say. 

IDK, friend… It’s about two dudes figuring out the hard way that they’re worthy of love. It’s about getting more than you bargained for. It’s about the ways we hide and the lies we tell, and being brave enough to let someone see you, love you. Being brave enough to want and to hope and to try. About inching incompetently toward love. Also a shit ton of fucking. But sometimes the kind of fucking one person in the comments described as “the most emotionally devastating blow job scene I’ve ever read.” It’s a post season 2 AU. It’s my magnum opus. I hope you like it.

TITLE: Sleight of Hand FANDOM: Stranger Things PAIRING: Steve/Eddie RATING: Explicit WORD COUNT: 143K (Complete!) SUMMARY: Steve needs a weed dealer. He gets a bit more than that.

CHAPTER 19 to finish | CHAPTER 1 to start | Playlist

[bellaslilpapercut]

So I've been reading a lot of (read: all) of @ zalrb 's metas on TVD and relationships (not tagging her bc I know she doesn't care about twilight but if you like TVD check out her meta master list!!!) and it gave me the epiphany that twilight would have been so much more romantically poignant if only Edward had the frenzied feeding issue. (Adding a cut because I rambled a lot more than I meant to lol)

A few people have brought up before that the new moon party scene would have served the story better (in every way) if Edward had been the one to attack bella, not jasper, and I fully agree. It could still make sense if Jasper had some control issues (insofar as jaspers character being there makes any sense at all lol) but Edward fully should have been the one to attack Bella. It would make Bella’s nightmares, her trauma, and the moment she decides to save him anyway all the more impactful if she had actually seen Edward lose his shit at her scent. 

And as others have brought up, the dilemma in Eclipse would have been more impactful as well. Bree Tanner’s chapter would have actually had the effect on Bella that smeyer tried to feign. Bella would have more difficulty choosing vampirism for herself if she had seen her beloved Edward at his absolute darkest (rather than just hearing him tell her about his past killing sprees). 

As for what this would change for the other vampires, I don’t think it would really alter much. Carlisle could still have superior never-tasted-human-blood control, the others’ nonchalance at their past slip-ups would make even more sense because like, why feel bad about feeding from humans if none of them actually died. IMO it only really makes sense for Jasper, Alice, and Carlisle to not care much for human life: Jasper and Carlisle because they have been vampires for so long and Alice because she was “born” with no ties to her own humanity. (But obv bc of who Carlisle is as a character, he does still care for humanity.) 

Smeyer tells us repeatedly that her vampires are stuck in the mind they were turned with yet this is only really apparent in Carlisle and Rosalie. Both value human life greatly but in Rosalie’s case the circumstances of her turning enabled her to make the exception for the men (and two hired guards of the men) who raped and attempted to murder her. From what I remember, smeyer mostly emphasizes the hunger that comes with the transformation. Hunger alone is not enough to make a former human completely forgo their humanity- these people should be a lot more torn up about killing so many people especially “younger” vampires like Esme and Emmett, but both are canonically fine with it. 

Now, if vampires didn’t have to kill to feed, it’s a lot more understandable and furthermore makes the Cullens more likeable. She wants us to see them as caring but then tells us that they’ve all killed before for a meal and Carlisle literally had to force them to empathize with their victims. But if Edward is the only one that can’t feed without going into a frenzy, it makes a lot more sense. Esme and Emmett don’t really understand his position because it’s easy for them to feed from humans sometimes and then hop right off the bandwagon- no murder, no guilt. Rosalie doesn’t understand his hunger, Alice and Jasper don’t care much about human life at all, and Carlisle was perfectly controlled from the beginning. Now Edward’s angst also makes more sense, it isn’t just that he’s been surrounded by “perfect” couples, he’s surrounded by people who are far less monstrous than he even though all of them are vampires. 

Getting back to how this wouldn’t really change the worldbuilding either: the Volturi would still need to exist because presumably there would be more vampires like Edward who couldn’t help themselves, and other vampires who were sloppy about their feeding habits. (Okay I will admit that in a world where vampires don’t have to kill to feed, the Volturi don’t necessarily need to protect humanity as much but I do think the need would still be there because if vampires were discovered, it could still lead to a devastating war between the two groups with humans obviously at a disadvantage.) It would also make more sense as to why so many vampires are almost offended by the Cullen “diet.” As I mentioned, smeyer doesn’t say that her vampires can’t see humans as people or that turning into a vampire automatically makes you view humans as only a food source. A lot more vampires should be struggling with the need to kill humans in her world, especially when they are first turned, but from what I recall, they don’t. Even Bella doesn’t care that much at first when she is about to kill a random hiker but it should gut her (especially if she is as “good” as the narrative wants us to believe) that she wanted to kill a human. It should haunt her. 

But if vampires could feed without killing, obviously they wouldn’t give a damn about Carlisle’s diet. They would be hard pressed to try it. It would also make more sense to start seeing humans as meals nearly instantly because there wouldn’t be any internal turmoil. I could even see someone like Bella seeing vampirism as a step up ethically to humanity because when humans want meat, they have to kill. Vampires just have to take a little sip. Anyway that was a long winded way of saying: I think it would serve the story better if vampires didn’t have to kill to feed and I think it would fit well into the world smeyer built.

Now to return to Edward: if he is the only vampire Bella meets that genuinely struggles with feeding, that is haunted by the people he’s killed in the past, everything about his character and the “poignancy” of his love for Bella that smeyer tried to sell us fits into place a lot better. Bella could be the first human that truly sees Edward for all of what he is- especially after he attacks her- and still forgives and accepts and loves him regardless. This is one of the things that TVD did well with Stefan and Elena and why I believe them as a love story over Edward and Bella. In twilight canon, Edward overcomes his vampirism for Bella but he already had pretty good control until Bella “threatened” it (I put that in quotes because after Twilight, it isn’t portrayed as a big issue anymore) and other vampires are all overcoming the same shit, big whoop. Carlisle did the same exact thing for Esme, why would I believe that Edward and Bella are so much more in love? 

But if it was a unique struggle for Edward, I understand. If it was expressly Edward’s relationship with Bella that helped him overcome his self loathing and doubt, if she refused to see him as a monster after he actually showed her how monstrous he could really be, then I get it. As twilight is now, I have to roll my eyes when they say no one has ever loved anyone the same way because Carlisle/Esme and Rosalie/Emmett had the same obstacles in their way (albeit for a shorter period of time) and all have these same cravings as Edward with the same consequences as Edward and none of them are as torn up about it. Smeyer actually made Edward “better” at controlling his urges than most of his family because she didn’t see that for someone to be “tortured” in the way Edward is, they would need unique consequences, they would need a unique struggle that validated that emotionality Edward displays through all four books. It’s laughable when Edward calls himself a monster because, dude, everyone else is in the same boat and they’re fine! Grow up! You have to give him the context that would make that angst understandable and twilight just doesn’t do that. 

[deans-haunted-baby]

The Ones Left Behind

Alrighty time for some truth bombs. I’ve had almost a week to absorb the end of Supernatural and season 15 as a whole. And I think this is the moment where I need to throw in my two cents. For all intents and purposes I won’t go in-depth into 15x20 seeing as that conversation will just open up a whole other can of worms and I don’t need that headache. I have my reasons for being less than indifferent with how the Winchesters’ story concluded. So I won’t go there.

Instead I’ll be focusing all my energies on the unsatisfying conclusions of 4 particular characters. Two of which were main cast members (one that was on the show 12 years and one 4 years) while the other two (played by the same dude) were brought back after a decade long hiatus for a much-anticipated comeback only to be wasted and mangled unfairly by Dabb and his hack horde of a writing staff. Call this a follow up to my last post. If I sound bitter I am because these people don’t have a single clue on how to helm these characters, their relationships or their storylines 😠 Nor do they deserve them.

And yes I’m well aware of Kevin Tran, Rowena, Ketch and several others who got the shaft on this show. Those could be future posts for another time.

But I cannot stress this enough; ADAM MILLIGAN, JACK KLINE, MICHAEL AND CASTIEL ALL DESERVED FUCKING BETTER. There is no arguing these facts, none whatsoever. Not one of these characters deserved that exit to be the final chapter in their story. I won’t do an entire analysis of each character’s arc and role in the show as I’ve already done that in my rant about 15x19. But I will highlight how much season 15 royally screwed over these characters and tossed them aside like trash; as if none of them were ever part of/contributed anything to Sam and Dean’s history/world building of Supernatural’s universe.

*WARNING* This is going to get heated.

Before I dive into the heart of these issues I want to state this is not a “shipping post”. I don’t ship anyone on Supernatural, hopefully this blog has been pretty self-explanatory. So I have no arguments/opinions in those areas. I’ve been a fan of this series for 15 years because of the characters, the familial bonds and relationships formed between characters throughout its run. And I’m well-aware that the Winchesters are the lead protagonists of the show, no need to remind me. These are purely my own thoughts based what I’ve obtained from show canon. Let me just say I can’t get over just how much these writers contradicted and ignored what they put forth in the journeys of these four individuals. its a real headscratcher.

You mean to tell me that after TWELVE DAMN YEARS of Castiel being a rebellious warrior angel, searching for his own identity and meaning in life; making that promise to Kelly Kline about raising Jack as his own/risking his life for him. After sacrificing himself for his son a year ago, acknowledging he was satisfied with his role as a father which restored his faith; that it was all because of/for Dean Winchester? 

You mean to tell me that after Michael, THE PRINCE OF HEAVEN and PROTECTOR OF HUMANITY, was locked away in a cage with a human whom he emotionally bonded with for thousands of years (10 years our time); who was abandoned, betrayed and manipulated by his neglectful/abusive father. After choosing free will and aligning himself with TFW for humanity’s sake, just sided with the Earth’s destruction because his little brother called him names? 

You mean to tell me that Jack, A THREE YEAR OLD CHILD, who’s barely just beginning his life and spent his entire duration on the show wanting to be normal and not wanting to be special. Connecting and being integrated with humans; a child who’s biggest fear was outliving everyone he ever loved. Is suddenly ready to walk away from his family, his home and his teddy bear; to give up being a kid forever and run the universe?

You mean to tell me that Adam, SUPERNATURAL’S MOST INNOCENT CHARACTER and FORGOTTEN THIRD-WINCHESTER BROTHER, after being eaten by ghouls; pulled away from his mother out of Heaven, manipulated by angels, trapped in Hell for thousands of years because Sam and Dean left him there to rot. After coming back and helping his neglectful siblings save the world only to be ripped away from his best friend and THE ONLY OTHER PERSON who gave a damn about him; is sentenced to a life of loneliness, homelessness and turmoil until he dies and ends up in Hell where he’ll mostly be tortured and turned into a demon?

NO. I DO NOT AND WILL NEVER ACCEPT THIS BULLSHIT! 

Season 15 not only manages to contradict itself where these characters are concerned (while assassinating them before the final curtain). But the writers deliberately discarded them before giving us that *sarcasm inserted* epic solo-Winchester conclusion. Regardless of how you feel about Adam, Castiel, Jack or Michael, ALL OF THESE CHARACTERS are connected Sam and Dean’s story and part of Supernatural. And when you throw them away like they mean nothing, you’re essentially throwing away a part of the show’s history. You’re ignoring 15 years worth of story building. 

As I said I’m not going to go into 15x20 for reasons, it doesn’t offend me as much as what was done before that finale. Because I think those other show exits really affect 15x20 even worse than people realize. You want to know why, I’ll explain.

Lets start off with Castiel and Jack, OH BOY! We know where they end up; running Heaven and the Earth together which is all fine and dandy. I love my Dadstiel father/son duo being an endgame family unit. But here in lies the problem, we never saw it. Not even a cameo. And technically their onscreen storyline ends at 15x18 and 15x19 which is an ugly, anti-climatic bookend to an incredibly deep relationship that had 4 years of development. First you have Castiel who completely forgets why he made that deal with the Empty to begin with. HIS FUCKING SON. Not to mention it wasn’t about true happiness it was about giving himself permission to be happy; there is a difference. And then you have Jack wandering around next episode, vacuuming up power cause suddenly he’s a machine now, acting like he doesn’t give a shit over losing his dad to an entity HE’S BEEN DREADING ABOUT FOR A FUCKING YEAR. 

Towards the end of season 15 I noticed neither of these characters were acting like themselves. Their motivations, their personalities and strong ties to one another had mysteriously dissolved. Castiel became less concerned about the danger his son was facing after 15x15 (what the hell was that in 15x17?) and more about speaking when spoken to by either Sam or Dean. Does he know how Dean truly feels about Jack; proclaiming the child is “not family”? I doubt the in-character version of him would let Jack leave with Dean after that insult. Castiel’s not even worried whether or not his son is alive or safe before he makes the big confession later. And for some reason Jack (who’d become heavily suicidal) was more concerned with clinging to the Winchesters, willing to die for them, instead focusing on himself and the one person who’s shown him nothing but unconditional love and given him strength since birth. Both of these characters are canonically depressed and suffer from low self-esteem that was never resolved which makes me furious. 

When Chuck killed Jack at the end of season 14, this devastated Castiel in the first half of season 15. He actually got to grieve that loss throughout the episodes and deal with his anger over it, allowing the audience to anticipate the day they’d be reunited one last time. This part of Castiel’s S15 arc also ironically mirrors Jack’s S13 arc of mourning Castiel’s death until resurrecting him. And when this son finally returned to his father, who got to rescue him, it was such a poignant moment between the two. It was a cathartic payoff after witnessing Castiel in so much pain over Jack. There was so much building up between that Dadstiel reunion in 15x11 and the Empty’s pact in 14x08; this was suppose to be a tragic yet pivotal plot-point in both Jack and Castiel’s stories. And with SPN wrapping up we all expected something BIG. Yet somehow the writers retconned the whole thing by making it all about Dean, which is such a gross disservice to these characters and 4 years of storytelling.

For instance, since 15x18 was Castiel’s exit episode, why wasn’t he allowed to hug his son or Sam goodbye one last time? Why didn’t he have more of a focal role instead of standing around majority of the episode with barely any dialogue as so much precious air time was wasted on frivolous things? Why didn’t he get one last badass fight scene with someone like Death instead of being choked out and tossed around like a powerless mortal? Why did the group need to be split up to begin with when it served no purpose either than that *ugh* moment? Why wasn’t Jack allowed to call Castiel “dad” once before the show ended? He deserved to hear his son address him as dad!

AND WHY THE HELL COULDN’T JACK FEEL CASTIEL’S DEATH THE MOMENT IT HAPPENED? 

The show already established to the audience the significant cosmic bond these two characters shared since before Jack was even born. It was so powerful it boosted Castiel’s grace. Jack could remember who Castiel was from the womb and that he’d protected his mother. Not to mention HE FUCKING RESURRECTED CASTIEL OUT OF THE EMPTY ONCE WITHOUT GOD’S POWER. You’re telling me Jack couldn’t feel his dad being taken away forever despite how far apart they were? No, he’d feel it in his heart. Had we’d been given a scene like that at the end of 15x18 (something of substance) with actual grief shown in 15x19 maybe the episode would’ve faired better for them. 

That said it wasn’t, because Jack was treated the exact same way in his final exit. Hardly any lines and just a bunch of scenes of him standing/walking around until that pathetic reveal at the lake. HE DOESN’T EVEN GET TO INTERACT WITH JAKE ABEL’S MICHAEL/ADAM which would’ve been a great follow-up to the AU!Michael storyline in seasons 13 and 14. I swear these directors didn’t give Alex and Misha any motivation during their last three episodes and it’s evident in their hollow performances. But why would they when the scripts are basically telling their characters to quickly fuck off so the brothers can have their final outing. Jack doesn’t even behave like himself after he becomes the new God. His personality is apathetic, cold, alien, stiff and way too mature for the 3 year old child so closely connected to his family/the human world. In that moment I saw Alex Calvert not Jack Kline. It’s bad enough he doesn’t get a meaningful farewell but again Castiel, HIS DAD, is a complete afterthought to this kid 🥶

And that’s what we’re left with. Forever. A frigid, hollow ending to one of Supernatural’s most healthy, touching, family dynamics. It makes you wonder what was even the point. I can’t even fully enjoy the fact that its canon Jack and Castiel are together fixing Heaven because of what the show presented onscreen as their last hurrah. It’s not sitting right and it makes 15x20 even less appealing to me.

Moving onto Michael and Adam. Get ready for this. I could rant forever about how dirty my boys were done by this show. How they were discarded in the SPN series finale recap etc. just as they were FOR THE LAST TEN FUCKING YEARS. Was there even a plan going on here or was this just everyone making things up as it went? Their ending is the most unsatisfying and cruel thing because its INCOMPLETE. There is no real closure or resolution with them thanks to the monstrosity that was 15x19. AND NO ONE CARES ENOUGH ABOUT THEM TO GIVE A SHIT. 

Much as I’ve enjoyed this show for many years, it NEVER deserved Jake Abel, his talent or his time. I keep seeing so many anti posts about Dean Winchester’s final fate in Supernatural and all I can think about is “try being an Adam Milligan fan for the last decade”.  I’ve had to watch this boy go through hell with nothing to show for it either than years of memes. ridicule and the show’s mockery in forgetting him. Actually he’s the ONLY CHARACTER in this series you’re encouraged not to remember 😡 Also quick question: why give us this really interesting and healthy relationship between an archangel and its vessel if nothing was ever going to become of it? 

At this point I don’t know why Adam or the idea of him was even introduced way back in season 4 let alone revisited in season 5. Because the only thing I see when I look at this character now is SAD WASTED POTENTIAL. Storylines never explored. Relationships that never got off the ground. Backstory we never got to see (like for instance his past with John Winchester and his time in the cage). A character’s birthright (Men of Letters) that was never actualized. AND the unexplained factor that Adam could look directly at Michael’s true form without his eyes burning out (making him a special case). And the thing is he could’ve been a really great character, both him and Michael. They could’ve easily reached popular status just like Castiel given the chance since Jake is a freaking acting-powerhouse. We were given a taste in 15x08 just how awesome these characters could be and how they could’ve contributed so much to the story and its core group. But unfortunately it wasn’t meant to be.

Michael will never redeem himself after years of scrutiny and being made out to be some kind of unhinged monster. This show constantly enjoyed pounding into our brains how fearsome Michael was. Warned us via Lucifer (LUCIFER, PEOPLE!) that he wasn’t rational, compassionate and didn’t care about anything except war, death and destruction. And that he was incapable of feelings and emotions. This is how Supernatural saw Heaven’s Prince and guardian of the Earth. Christ, they actually did a two-year storyline about an evil Michael from the AU world who enjoyed torturing and killing while trying to destroy the universe. I want to know WHAT THE HELL THIS SHOW’S WRITERS HAD AGINST THESE CHARACTERS? Why they felt the need to bring back Jake Abel, AFTER A DECADE OF FANS WANTING THIS, if it was simply to piss all over his characters one last time before the show wrapped. This is absolutely unprofessional and childish; the fact that Jake is taking this bullshit in stride makes it all the more shameful 😡

We could’ve learned so much more about Michael’s past and his present relationship with Adam. These characters didn’t need to sit in the cage for a decade they could’ve easily been incorporated back into the show as far as season 8 or 10! And been an asset to the Darkness storyline in season 11.There were characters and storylines introduced that served no purpose. Why did we need to keep seeing characters like Charlie Bradbury or (as much as I like him) Crowley or Garth (love him too) or Lucifer or Abaddon or the Wayward sisters? I would’ve much preferred having Adam and Michael around and got to know them instead; especially after 15x08. I would’ve wanted to see what their dynamic with TFW could’ve become had they been long-time allies. Did John ever tell Mary about Adam’s existence? I’d like to see what her reaction would’ve been like had the Winchesters remembered him during that damn 300th episode. I guess that’s another loose end untied.

But because of what Supernatural did to these two characters, it forever taints Sam and Dean. I don’t think Dabb or purist fans realize this. But when new viewers come into this show about two brothers preaching important things like “saving people”, “family first” or “family don’t end in blood” they’re going to see how badly the main protagonists treated their innocent half brother. How Castiel and Jack were treated. They’re going to see the heroes of the story abandoning this kid in Hell forever with no intention of EVER rescuing him. And that’s why their final appearance leaves such a bad taste going into 15x20. Cause as much as Dabb and co didn’t give a shit about Adam and Michael they also didn’t give a rat’s ass about protecting Sam and Dean’s integrity. That’ll be a stain they can’t undo. 

So through all of it, we’re stuck with the abomination that is 15x19 aka the eye-soar to an unfinished/unpolished story of two horribly disregarded characters. Michael gets the pleasure of being character assassinated right before he’s stupidly killed off instead of going out a hero or becoming the next God (as it was his birthright and the setup was there in the narrative). And Adam gets killed off-screen, OUT OF HIS OWN DAMN BODY, then brought back by Jack only to live a miserable, isolated existence since his brothers have nothing to do with him (the dog and car are more important); his best friend is dead, he has no job or money or a fucking home and he’s legally dead! Really what is there left for him besides the brutal fate awaiting in Hell when he dies?  

SERIOUSLY THEY COULDN’T GIVE US ONE SCENE WHERE THE WINCHESTERS CHECKED IN ON ADAM TO MAKE SURE HE WAS SAFE?! 🤬 His last scene pretty much sums up this shit for what it is. Tragic. I feel like crying for this poor sweet boy.

Congratulations Dabb, BL and co for giving us these much deserved broken story arcs of characters you destroyed and made OOC before leaving the airways. You did your show’s protagonists justice by doing this *sarcasm inserted* after 15 years of being onscreen. I doubt these idiotic decisions are going to age well in the long run. They certainly don’t look good on the Winchesters. Anyway that’s my hot take for the day. 

ALL THESE ACTORS AND THEIR CHARACTERS DESERVED BETTER.

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 254: Who the Hell Is Bucky

Previously on BnHA: All Might welcomed 1-A back after the new year with a pun he’s probably been working on for the entire winter break, the poor man. Aizawa received a call :’) and drove down to Tartarus with Mic to meet up with Naomasa and Gran Torino. Nao and Gran were all “so you’ll NEVER GUESS, but we found out that Kurogiri’s quirk is apparently a FAKE QUIRK which was created from a bunch of other quirks -- AND GUESS WHICH ONE WAS THE ORIGINAL QUIRK?” and Aizawa was all (ಠ ∩ಠ), and Mic put a hand on his shoulder, and Nao was all “YEAH YOU DID GUESS, IT’S YOUR OLD DEAD PAL SHIRAKUMO, FROM CHAPTERS 59 THROUGH 65 OF VIGILANTES!” And okay, so (1) OH MY GOD, and (2) I originally thought this meant that Kurogiri is straight up a zombie!Shirakumo, but others pointed out that he might be some random other dude who just has Kumo’s quirk, among others. And like, okay. SO WHAT IS THE TRUTH.

Today on BnHA: Y’ALL HE REALLY IS A ZOMBIE!KUMO, AND NAOMASA AND GRAN BROUGHT AIZAWA AND MIC TO TALK TO HIM AND TRY TO RESTORE HIS MEMORIES SOMEHOW. Aizawa is all “this isn’t some fantasy world with happy endings, this is THE REAL WORLD WHERE MIRACLES DON’T HAPPEN!” but Gran is all “sometimes they do!” and Aizawa is like “!!” and so they sit down to chat with Kumo. Aizawa launches into a passionate speech about how great Kumo was and how he pulled him along and inspired him, and how he (Aizawa) is strict with his students now and -- get this -- FAKE-EXPELS THEM IN ORDER TO PUT THE FEAR OF GOD INTO THEM JUST ONCE LMAO, BUT IT’S BECAUSE HE CARES, and because he wants them to be great heroes and not hapless redshirts who get killed offscreen. And by the end of it he’s crying and imploring Shirakumo -- “if you’re still in there somewhere” -- to become heroes with him and Mic just like they always wanted. All of it is exactly as emotionally devastating as you would figure, btw.

you guys I have been playing hopscotch on my dash since yesterday trying to avoid spoilers about the popularity poll until I actually had time to write down my reactions! all I know is that of course Bakugou is #1 again, because this fandom always comes through lol. my other predictions are that the rest of the trio will receive lots of love again as well, and Hawks will once again be high on the list, and Aizawa too because of the Vigilantes flashbacks (at least HE BETTER), and probably the villains will get a big boost as well after their arc, Tomura in particular. and Endeavor might break the top 10 again too with the newest arc, although I can’t quite remember whether or not the poll was still going on by the time that started (ETA: actually I don’t think it was). but yeah. anyway so there’s a real possibility that most of the kids will actually be shut out of the top ranks because of these GROWN-UPS and VILLAINS stealing all their glory, smh. your time will come, kids

“more than anyone, you were a hero” oh is this chapter going to play with my feelings yet again. is this just going to happen every fucking week now. okay

HELL YEAH MY BOYS ON THE COVER

@unboundednamelessfuture, to answer your ask about whether I’m planning on watching Heroes Rising, the answer is a resounding YES, POSSIBLY EVEN MULTIPLE TIMES IN THEATERS IF I CAN SWING IT, because I’m pretty sure it’s actually just going to be All My Dreams Come True: The Movie. and yes I have seen some spoilers for it, although I’m not clear on whether or not they’re actual spoilers or just rumors. so because of that I won’t post my thoughts just yet, except to say that if it is true, see above re: All My Dreams Come True: The Movie, and also add a bunch more exclamation points at the end of the title omfg

anyway so my sons are famous now. they’re in Hollywood. good for them

AND NOW THE POLLLLLLLL YES

oh shit, I heard about “Deku & Bakugou Rising”, but is that out this week?? shit I’ll have to do a separate post if that’s the case. I’m assuming it’s more of a bonus chapter than an actual spinoff, kind of like the All Might chapter we got for the last movie. either way, to say I’m hyped would be a massive understatement, needless to say

(ETA: okay so I’ve seen Korean scanlations of this -- which I didn’t look at closely because spoilers -- but no English scans yet. so stay tuned!)

so I was wrong about the kids being shooed out of the top 10! I have never been so pleased to be wrong! so we have Kacchan at #1 (I love his face so much. ghlkhf), Deku at #2 (he beat Shouto this year! good for you!!), Shouto at #3 (wouldn’t be surprised if he and Deku were neck and neck again though), Kirishima at #4 (we stan one bright ray of sunshine), Iida at #5 (YOU DESERVE IT SO MUCH SWEETHEART. I’M SO GLAD FANDOM ISN’T SLEEPING ON THE ACTUAL BEST CHARACTER IN THE SERIES), Tomura at #6 (DID YOU NOT GET THE MEMO ABOUT WEARING A NUMBER ON YOUR OUTFIT? MAKING ME FIGURE IT OUT FROM THE PROCESS OF ELIMINATION IS A REAL BASTARD MOVE. THEY SHOULD HAVE PUT YOU AT #8 TO MATCH YOUR CURRENT NUMBER OF FINGERS YOU STUPID SEXY JERK), Aizawa at #7 (THANK YOU FANDOM, YOU’VE REDEEMED YOURSELVES FROM LAST YEAR), Ochako at #8 (I LOVE YOUUUU), Toga at #9 (LADIES!!!!!!), and Momo at #10 (YES GIRRRRRL)

I think this is the strongest showing of ladies yet in the top ten (ETA: actually no, the second poll was slightly better) and I’m all about it. also can they all please keep these costume upgrades because YES. I don’t care if Horikoshi would get sick of drawing them. THAT’S WHAT ASSISTANTS ARE FOR. KATSUKI HAS A FUCKING BULLET BANDOLIER, COME ON, YOU CAN’T MAKE THIS JUST A ONE TIME THING YOU ASSCLOWNS, THIS IS FOR THE PEOPLE

lol here’s the abridged version of the Shirakumo flashbacks, I guess. everyone was saying last week how Vigilantes was now required reading, and like, I get that everyone’s excited about the crossover, but they still have to make this comprehensible for people who only read the main series. I’m guessing we’ll get the short version here, but Vigilantes gets to provide the more in-depth story for people who want to know more about everything, which is more or less what Vigilantes’s role has been in general

anyway so here’s Kumo doing his usual Naruto impression and cheerfully dooming himself by being ceaselessly optimistic and tempting fate’s sense of irony

you sure can! just so long as that crisis doesn’t involve big, heavy rocks, or gravity. I’m sorry kiddo

“‘let’s all form an agency together.’ it happened just after he said those words.” well there you have it, the BnHA equivalent of “one week left till my retirement.” hero training should really include a mandatory course titled Death Flags: The Silent Killers. there are children’s lives at stake here

lol yeah this really is abridged

“once upon a time we all wanted to be heroes and then Shirakumo got crushed by some rocks the end.” yeah, so maybe not quite the full emotional impact of the original lol

OH SHIT SON

so it is his reanimated corpse, then! which means the potential for him somehow dramatically regaining his memories is very high. since this is a shounen manga, I’m gonna go ahead and put it at... 100%. is that too low

guys I don’t know what to do when Present Mic is making faces like this

when even the Comic Relief Guy is getting all traumatized and serious, you know it’s bad. sob who will I turn to now for comfort. Horikoshi’s really just gonna go full dark no stars here and leave me just stumbling around lost

OH IF IT ISN’T THE ORIGINAL PIECE OF SHIT HIMSELF!!

yeah it makes perfect sense actually, you bastard. you steal the bodies from the crematorium and then give the families fake ashes or something. holy shit you really will not stop until you find the lowest possible level to stoop to, and then grab a fucking shovel and start digging so as to GO DOWN EVEN LOWER. just. god everything about this is just so wrong

oh btw, now seems like a good time to bring up this ask I got last week!

anon you blew my mind, just so you know. you’re absolutely right. so that’s one mystery down! though the way that this is going, I’m not so sure I’m gonna like any of the other answers that the Noumu arc is gonna provide us sob

holy shit look at this fucking simile

dead children = leftovers. sure why not. just in case we all forgot how evil he is

and also, YEAH BUDDY THAT’S WHAT I JUST FUCKING SAID, PLEASE KEEP UP. and who even knows how many other times AFO has done this. I hope they’ve started investigating crematoriums, then. I’m just waiting for them to make some connection that leads to them finally finding out about Ujiko, but that might take a while still

(ETA: although if they actually can get Kumo to talk...)

and did he really just solemnly call Mic “DJ” because omfg. Gran, are you the comic relief. do you even know. are you even aware

oh hey look another dagger to my heart

ouch. that was cold. and... not necessarily true, though, is it? because he was kind enough to Tomura. idk, I know my villain mom has done some horrible things, but you’ll be hard pressed to get me to think of him as all bad, even so. he was the one keeping Tomura from going FULLASS MURDER MODE!! for a long time

HEY WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF COP-OUT IS THIS

well then WHY DID YOU EVEN BRING THEM IN HERE! DID THEY NOT SEEM TRAUMATIZED ENOUGH TO YOU?? “well idk they seem pretty shaken up already, but just to make sure they grasp the full repugnant horror of the situation why don’t we make them visit him face to face.” OKAY THEN YOU SADISTS

son of a bitch and speaking of twisting the knife, Horikoshi keeps showing us these increasingly wrecked glimpses of Aizawa lowkey falling apart and I can’t

at this point the shadows under his eyes have their own shadows. and god dude, I know you’re rational, but it’s really hard to watch you just outright dismiss any and all possibilities of hope just like that :(

what the fuck Gran

so you really are the one in this scene who’s trying to lift everyone’s spirits now. well all right then, just what are you alluding to

OH SNAP

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD NOUMU BACKSTORY AT LAST! jesus christ, do Nao and Gran just know everything already, and they’ve just been keeping it all to themselves for the hell of it?? how long before they casually swing by U.A. and are all “oh and by the way, the traitor is...”

ANOTHER AIZAWA FACE BUT THIS ONE IS SOFT OH GOD!!

HEY WHAT’S UP I’M GONNA CRY. SOMEONE TURN ON SOME SAD MUSIC. AND I WON’T GO, AND I WON’T SLEEP, AND I CAN’T BREATHE, UNTIL YOU’RE RESTING HERE WITH ME

AND I WON’T LEAVE, I CAN’T HIDE, I CANNOT BEEEEEEEE

hey Nao. you know what really would have helped with getting him to talk. NOT KNOCKING HIM UNCONSCIOUS. ??? move over do you need someone else to do your job for you or

-- OH THEY’RE TALKING TO HIM NOW LMAO OKAY

“go ahead and do your thing guys. don’t be afraid to make it real gay”

this would be even more dramatic if Kurogiri actually had a face. but even so... OH I AM WHAT I AM. I’LL DO WHAT I WANT. BUT IIIIIIII CAN’T HIIIIDE

oh my fucking god Aizawa is all “but what about his family?” and Naomasa is literally “if you two are unsuccessful, then...” like straight up acknowledging that the three of them were so fucking gay in high school that their odds of getting through to Kumogiri are stronger than that of his OWN FUCKING FAMILY. wow

chin up my sexy man. you got this

OH SHIT AHHHHHHH

LDSKFHL EASY THERE CHAMP, THAT’S TOO MUCH SEX TO BE CONTAINED IN A SINGLE PANEL, PLEASE TRY AND DO ME A FAVOR AND FUCKING HOLD IT TOGETHER HERE FOR THE KIDS WHO ARE READING THIS!! [frantically googles ‘can a shounen manga get you pregnant’]

so Aizawa is all “I’ll be damned if I let his family hear this sickening story” and like, I’m sure he means that in a “they don’t deserve that pain” kind of noble and principled way, but if it were my child I sure would want to know regardless. and aren’t they going to find out either way?? either you do get through to him, in which case obviously you would want the family to know “HEY, GOOD NEWS!”, or you don’t manage it and Nao has to call them anyway as we just established. but you go ahead and get all fired up then, Shouta

now there’s a panel of him staring at Kumo and Kumo is just a big shapeless blob of black smoke just sitting there lol. don’t tell me he’s still unconscious?!

oh

thank you

anyway so Aizawa, did you know that while you were off being an underground hero, Kumo was studying at Oxford to get his medical degree while bartending on nights and weekends to make ends meet. the two of you have so much to catch up about

Mic’s thinking that even with Aizawa using his quirk, the fog isn’t dissipating, so it means Kumo’s body is now made up of fog. well but then what about the metal neck thingy! huh??

and Mic’s opening his big mouth to complain that Kurogiri is far too polite and classically educated to really be their old pal, but before he can finish, Kumo is interrupting to ask about his son!!

he’s. uh. I guess you could call it “well”? maybe a little too well [marge simpson noises]

well Mic is clearly back to being the comic relief here. but Aizawa is keenly spotting those mom instincts that have remained in Kumo to this day!

yes Aizawa the core of your friend is still in there deep down!

OH MY GOD

LMAOOOO. “EMO PUNK... WHERE HAVE I HEARD THAT BEFORE -- !!” [AUDIBLY GASPS AND LOOKS DIRECTLY AT AIZAWA]

oh my lord. like, I don’t think this is actually meant to be funny, but just the fact that he immediately associates “emo” with AIZAWA FUCKING SHOUTA so strongly that it makes him go (•̪ o •̪) all knowingly has me fucking deceased right now good grief

so Kumo says he doesn’t resent his mission at all. some people like looking after emo punks, Mic. you should know

AND NOW MY FEELINGS ARE BEING TOYED WITH AGAIN!! JUST STRAIGHT UP OUT IN THE OPEN!! THIS ISN’T FAIR

heh. don’t mind me I’m just looking for some sort of emotional support to cling to here for my breakdown that’s about to happen about 0.2 seconds after Aizawa starts crying, if he indeed starts to cry. which it looks like he might. oh god I’m not ready for this at all. my hatches are not even remotely battened; my shutters are just gonna go flying right the fuck off

by the way what the fuck is up with the chairs at Tartarus. why do they look like swiss cheese

hmm, Nao and Torino are all “no reaction”, but to me it looks like there clearly is a reaction, though? he can’t even look Aizawa in the eye all of a sudden. it’s clearly getting to him. Nao seriously, do you need someone else to do your job

oh Aizawa

(ETA: Kumo really first-named Aizawa two seconds after meeting him. this man knows how to adopt his introverts.)

okay but Present Mic in a summer uniform is the most punchable version yet, SORRY I JUST HAD TO SAY IT I’M SORRY MIC I LOVE YOU. it was just gonna come bursting up out of me if I didn’t

anyway so Aizawa is gaying it up just as promised

him using his quirk is definitely making the scene more intense, but I’m not really sure why he actually is using it, since we’ve established it’s not having any effect. unless he’s trying to possibly undo some of the brainwashing somehow??

(ETA: so it occurred to me that just because his quirk isn’t dissolving Kumo’s mist body doesn’t mean that it’s not having an effect on his warp abilities. this way they can interrogate him without fear of him trying to use it and them having to knock him out again.)

so Kumo’s continuing to try and play it off all smooth while Aizawa unleashes the full force of fifteen years of pent up grief and trauma!

starting to think Aizawa never did go to therapy after that whole thing. typical U.A. “so you saw your best friend die suddenly and violently right before your eyes and subsequently suppressed it and hallucinated his voice talking to you to avoid facing that reality, huh? eh, you’ll be fine”

oh no a close-up of Aizawa that doesn’t show his face completely. this kind of thing never ends well

BECAUSE HE DOESN’T WANT THEM TO END UP LIKE YOU [sobs forever]

wait are we really going to talk about this?? omg

wait what. so do you mean to tell me he expelled them but then continued to guide them afterwards so they would have long, happy and healthy careers but more importantly would be safe omfg I’m not fucking ready for this shit

we’re cutting to U.A.’s class 2-A! Aizawa’s former class? does that mean he literally expelled EVERY SINGLE ONE of his students last year omg

so then. does every single standout characteristic of the Aizawa we know and love stem from his tragic past and his relationship with this boy then, or what? meanwhile the feelings continue to torrentially lash against my house while I huddle in the basement

I can’t fucking believe we’re actually getting a legit reveal about the “Aizawa expels all his students” gag holy shit

re-enroll!? what?? and “expel” in quotation marks?!?

ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS -- HE DID IT JUST TO SCARE THEM!? AND THEN WHAT, WERE THEY PICKED UP AFTERWARD BY THE OTHER HERO CLASSES INSTEAD? SO HE TEACHES THEM A POTENTIALLY LIFE-SAVING LESSON AND THEN GETS TO LAZE AROUND THE REST OF THE YEAR, LOL WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. THIS MAN IS A GENIUS

(ETA: and by this logic, Deku really ought to have been expelled half a dozen times by now. don’t ever try and tell me that this man doesn’t play favorites.)

so Aizawa is taking his goggles off and saying that he’s strict with his students because he wants them to live long, fulfilling lives

OH NO

SOMEHOW HORIKOSHI MADE KURO’S FACE LOOK SOFT?! I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW, IS THERE ANYTHING HE CAN’T DO

AHHHHH

OH NO HE DID IT AHHHH THE TEARS, FUCK. WELL MY HOUSE IS FUCKING DESTROYED, I’M CLIMBING UP TO THE ROOF TO AWAIT RESCUE

wow. anyways that really did get gay as fuck at the end, didn’t it. given the meaning that those goggles have to Aizawa, can this be taken as a form of marriage proposal? no? well I’m taking it that way anyway, so. congratulations you two. I’m off to go sob into a pillow now

[beegoould]

First holiday phone call with my parents in 5 years and sorry for the long-ass post

I cut my parents out of my life years ago after three different therapist were like “Um... you don’t HAVE to talk to them, you know...” This summer they fucking ambushed me by just showing up at my door. Turned out I was ready for it after all the work I’ve done in therapy and EMDR. So we’re back in touch on my terms and I don’t have strong emotions about the shitty things they do and say that would have devastated me years ago.

I called them yesterday to wish them a happy thanksgiving. They were celebrating by themselves, which is unusual because my brother and his family live in the same town, and my other brother would sometimes make a trip out with his family, too. I knew my oldest brother and his family had started to back off from visiting, but my middlest brother and his family always dropped by. Apparently he’s cut off most contact with them, and only called to say happy thanksgiving and that was it.

After some small talk my dad talked about how frustrated/angry he was that middlest brother wouldn’t even talk to them about what was bothering him. It was pretty maddening to hear him complaining so bitterly about what we’d gone through not that long ago.

I’m not sure it was a good idea, but I told him that in my experience it was necessary for me to stay away because continuing contact with mom was harmful to me emotionally. That I know now that it wasn’t her intention to hurt me, but that doesn’t mean I have to sit still for it. I said I couldn’t speak for my brother, but if he’s going through something similar, trying to force contact will just make things worse.

He said he knows that my mom can be hard to talk to and says things that she probably shouldn’t, and said “I learned early in my career that every boss I worked with had a different way of communicating. I learned how to be adaptable to their style.”

It was SO HARD to keep my cool because WHAT??? How does that even fit in this conversation?

So I said “You can shake it off when your boss says something shitty about you, but your mom is totally different. She MADE me. I wanted her to be proud of me, to support me when things were bad, to tell me I was wonderful and worthy no matter what, and she didn’t do that. For any of us. It hurt. It still hurts, but I’m over it now.”

He kind of blustered about how I had to know that she loved me etc etc. I reminded him that he once told me that “perception is reality.” And that everyone else in the family had distanced themselves from them on their own accord - we never talked about it besides being like “hey, you ever notice that this shit is bananas?” That pretty much wrapped up our conversation.

Maybe it was a bad idea, but I was tired of hearing about how baffled he was by our behavior. Look, dude, none of your kids or grandkids want anything to do with you guys. Where do you think the fucking problem originated?

[dolcetters]

THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE; mun & muse - meme.

TAGGED BY: @hyaciiintho​ ( ;-; AAA THANK!!! )

TAGGING (don’t feel obligated to do it!): @forsakenflora , @avadite , @yinseal , @inseparabilum , @reigningsniper , @tsume-awase​ , @canisfuria​ & YOU if you wanna!

FILL OUT & REPOST ♥ this meme definitely favors canons more, but i hope oc’s still can make it somehow work with their own lore, and lil’ fandom of friends & mutuals. multi-muses pick the muse you are the most invested in atm.

----------------------------------------------------

MY MUSE IS:   CANON / OC / AU / CANON-DIVERGENT / FANDOMLESS

Is your character popular in the fandom?  YES / NO

Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom?  YES  / NO / IDK (he’s fetishized a lot; thanks, i hate it)

Is your character considered strong in the fandom? YES / NO / IDK (i’d lean more toward no)

Are they underrated?  YES / NO

Were they relevant for the main story?  YES / NO / MAYBE (stares into the abyss)

Were they relevant for the main character?  YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG

Are they widely known in their world?  YES / NO / MAYBE

How’s their reputation?  GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL (true neutral, my boy)

HOW STRICTLY DO YOU FOLLOW CANON? ♠ || i have an ongoing joke that “canon is a slab of meat that we slow-roast at 475 degrees and carve for the juicy bits” but at the same time it’s not a joke at all, i’m being perfectly serious. i’m definitely a lot less strict than when i started for writing canon characters way back yonder, but i also DO like to keep within an array of canon boundaries because i’m not writing for an OC in this instance, i’m writing for an established character. ...it also doesn’t help that my character’s handled differently in the 4 types of media he shows up in but. i grew up reading DC comics and writing for beast boy, so i’m kind of used to “multiple takes existing for singular character”. 

that being said, my take on dol is clearly canon divergent (since... he’s alive and my default verse takes place after the nest raid) but it pulls primarily from brotherhood/manga with a couple dashes of 2k3 series (since that’s the only media that gives us a length of time that he was in the labs). but given that i follow along with just about every scrap of information provided in the manga on this clown, i’d say i follow canon fairly strictly... but there ain’t a lot to go off of, so my reins are pretty loose no matter how you look at it. my city now.

SELL YOUR MUSE! AKA TRY TO LIST EVERYTHING, WHICH MAKES YOUR MUSE INTERESTING IN YOUR OPINION TO MAKE THEM SPICY FOR YOUR MUTUALS.   ♠ || (*￣3￣)╭ well, hello, there. aware of dog? yes. this is he: dolcetto mcgrouchyboots, and he is not happy to be here at all. he is traumatized, sassy, wants to throw hands with teenagers, has no sense of self worth, and will absolutely use himself as a meat shield in order to protect any and everyone he cares about. he is spliced with: dog. his favorite weapon: sword. if you listen carefully, you might hear dog-song rising on the east wind as he approaches (don’t tell him axel taped a cassette player to his back). he comes from a found family of complete and utter morons with a lot of damage, they live in a partially underground bar, work as information brokers, and are all DEFINITELY fully functioning adult people. they say gay and trans rights. if you like angry boys with a sense of humor semi-on-par with griffin mcelroy, this is the boy for YOU!!! 

NOW THE OPPOSITE, LIST EVERYTHING WHY YOUR MUSE COULD NOT BE SO INTERESTING (EVEN IF YOU MAY NOT AGREE, WHAT DOES THE FANDOM PERHAPS THINK?).   ♠ ||  he’s only featured in a handful of episodes/chapters across all media, doesn’t have a significant amount of dialogue, and we only ever see him lose to the protagonist(s) despite that he seems more than capable of fighting anyone else. easy to brush off as a “aw he died and that’s sad but we didn’t really know him, moving on”. from what i’ve seen in my years, people are more interested in him being a cog in the machine of “greed is sad” and less interested in... HIM. which is fair, i guess, but hhhhhh

WHAT INSPIRED YOU TO RP YOUR MUSE?   ♠ || i don’t know if i can pin-point any ONE thing, but i’ve always been drawn to characters with some sort of connection or bond with animals (example, once again, being beast boy from teen titans). i also have an IMMENSE weakness for the found-family dynamic. so when the devil’s nest appeared during my first watch through of brotherhood, i was pretty much... hooked. immediately. and devastated. immediately. as for what drew me to writing dol, specifically... probably his loyalty, his drive, the fact that he WOULDN’T FUCKING STAY DOWN no matter how many times someone knocked him flat on his face. i vibe with that. grew up very much in the mentality of “fall down 7 times, get up 8″. also, he had a sword... which always beats guns on coolness factor. and i loved his fire. ...and that he was a complete fucking idiot who’s really bad at kidnapping i mean HOLY SHIT THAT’S HOW YOU TRIED TO GET HIM TO COME WITH YOU, DOLCETTO, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING--

WHAT KEEPS YOUR INSPIRATION GOING? ♠ ||  dol has always been a great source of ...venting for me? <xD ever since i started writing him, i’ve always found his muse--specifically--to be extremely cathartic and comforting. i dunno if it’s because he lets the more... jaded side of me come out, even when we’re both trying to be optimistic? 

because i’ve been in 2 emotionally abusive friendships. i definitely have some left over hurt, pent up anger that hasn’t been given closure, a hell of a lot of underlying bitterness that i never got the opportunity to confront those people, BUT i still try to be. y’know. welcoming, friendly, supportive, despite a voice in the back of my head being paranoid?? i think dol continues to give me outlets to expressing that. somehow. not that i use him as an excuse to do it, more so i have more opportunities to do it when i’m writing him as opposed to writing someone like beast boy, who’s usually more on board with keeping the peace than picking a fight. i’ve also invested SO MUCH TIME and ENERGY into his background and headcanons and things that i kind of can’t quit him now, nor do i want to.

... and aside from that i just want him to have a happy ending god, fucking damnit. 

SOME MORE PERSONAL QUESTIONS FOR THE MUN.

give your mutuals some insight about the way you are in some matters, which could lead them to get more comfortable with you or perhaps not.

Do you think you give your character justice?  YES / NO ( or i certainly hope so )

Do you frequently write headcanons? YES / NO

Do you sometimes write drabbles?  YES  / NO

Do you think a lot about your Muse during the day?  YES / NO

Are you confident in your portrayal?   YES / NO

Are you confident in your writing?  YES / NO ( definitely have moments but eh! ) 

Are you a sensitive person?  YES  / NO ( kind of... varies. i’d say i’m more hyper aware)

DO YOU ACCEPT CRITICISM WELL ABOUT YOUR PORTRAYAL?   ♠ || i definitely like to think i do when it comes to pre-established things in canon. but when it comes to what i’ve built on my own over my years of writing for dol (and the nest members as a whole), it’s kind of my sandbox and i’d appreciate you not stomp around in it. 

unless i need to be learned a thing, like... one of the nest members, vi, is a trans-woman. i’m a cis-woman and i try to do as much research as i can and educate myself, but if i ever fuck something up please tell me, i’m doing my best but i’m more than willing to listen. i want to grow.

DO YOU LIKE QUESTIONS, WHICH HELP YOU EXPLORE YOUR CHARACTER?   ♠ || pretty sure everyone does! >xD but yeah! i FUCKING love it. especially since i’m writing for a minor character. =//o//= it shows people are interested in him despite his overall lack of content.

IF SOMEONE DISAGREES TO A HEADCANON OF YOURS, DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?   ♠ || i’d definitely be curious as to why but i doubt i’d be offended or take ... any personal harm from it--y’know? it’d be more of a “let me hear your perspective and maybe it’ll expand my own understanding, or i might not agree after the explanation and that’s cool”! 

an exception would be for an obviously shitty one that’s shitty for no reason, like... acTUALlY, he’s TOtaLLY hom///o///pho//bic, to which i’d be like “bitch, no, get away from me; no one in this bar is straight, die mad”.

IF SOMEONE DISAGREES WITH YOUR PORTRAYAL, HOW WOULD YOU TAKE IT?   ♠ || again, it’s cool! there’s not a lot of canon material so you can take his portrayal a variety of places. if we don’t jive, it’s pretty whatever. 

my one exception to this is probably people who, in the past, have told me i write him being “too mean”. which will never cease to confuse me. because even after al straight told dolcetto he was 14, dol was still like “I REALLY WANNA SMACK HIM but i’d just hurt my hand so you’re off the hook”, he’s angry like 85% of his dialogue in the manga... i’m just confused. where are you seeing the “uwu pupper~” persona. you can write it, that’s fine, i don’t care, just don’t get irritable when i don’t write him like a cute puppy. because here he is. suggesting we just kill izumi because she’s being troublesome. yeet. ...he’s an asshole.

IF SOMEONE REALLY HATES YOUR CHARACTER, HOW DO YOU TAKE IT?   ♠ || whatever, just don’t be a dick or speak badly about me or him in my presence because, flawed as he is and while i won’t make excuses for him, i’ll stand up for him. go somewhere else, my dude. i, personally, don’t have the energy for your negativity. nor do i have the patience.

ARE YOU OKAY WITH PEOPLE POINTING OUT YOUR GRAMMATICAL ERRORS?   ♠ ||  i’m more okay with people correcting my spelling (gently). because of the way i taught myself to read, i’d be FUCKED if auto-correct or spell-check didn’t exist. i also google correct spellings constantly. so spelling, yeah, i already know that i’m terrible at it so feel free to correct type-os or spelling mishaps, it ain’t no thang. 

grammar i’m a bit... pickier about. because sometimes i’ll purposely do a “grammatical error” because the punctuation or otherwise further drives the pacing or mood i’m trying to give my writing. i may not know ALL the rules but i break them from time to time... FOR THE ART.

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE EASY GOING AS A MUN?   ♠ || i wanna say i am?? while i definitely do want to seriously explore and flesh out and grow dol as a muse and character, i’m “not above” goofing around, poking fun at him, or just being plain silly on the dash. RPing is escapism for me and i strive to keep my blog a peaceful safe haven on the dashboard, both for myself and my followers. 

i try to communicate to the best of my ability and despite my anxieties, and while i may not be able to follow or RP with EVERYONE (for obvious reasons) i’m open to interacting with ... pretty much anyone who throws me a bone. i’ll speak up if i’m not down for a plot or interested in a certain relationship or interaction, but i’m certainly not going to be rude or dismissive about it. i know what that feels like. i’d say yeah, though! i think i’m pretty chill. e-e you tell me.

[scaredofthebasement-blog]

When Love Walks In - Chpt 16

Chpt 16

(2nd Edit July 30, 2019)

Auston Makes a Calculated Move to Get Close to Dr Quinn

2450 Words

Warning:  Cursing

Dr Wright touches Dr Quinn’s arm affectionately and they both proceed to move through Auston’s doorway into the room.

“There’s our star patient, breathing with his new tube in!  You did great in surgery today, Auston.  I was just telling Dr Quinn that everything went well.  How does the new tube feel?” Dr Wright announces.

Auston gives a thumbs up.

“Great!”  Dr Wright reminds Auston that the holes in the tube allow air to pass from the lungs up through the vocal cords and out through the mouth and nose, allowing breathing through the mouth.

“So Julie showed you the exercises and technique for breathing?”  Dr Wright asks.  

Auston shakes his head - yes.

“Do you have any questions or concerns about the new tube?”  Dr Wright continues.

Auston shakes his head - no.

Dr Wright goes on, “After you’ve used this tube for five days, if everything goes well, the next step is Corking, which will allow you to breathe fully on your own, solely through your mouth and nose, instead of your throat.”

Auston’s growing impatient.  Okay!  Dr Wright, I think you’re great but can you move along now?  Holy fuck! I’ve waited all bloody week to see her, and she’ll probably have to go in a minute.  Give me some god damn alone time!  Auston is freaking inside.

Dr Wright continues, “And you may recall that Dr Quinn will be giving you the go-ahead to try to speak at that point, and then you’ll get to go home!”  

That’s fucking music to my fucking ears, Doc!  He screams to himself, feeling punchy.  A combination of not enough sleep, nerves and desperation, he figures.

“Auston.  I’m sorry, I missed your procedure”, Dr Quinn says as she steps closer to him at his bedside.

You’re forgiven, Auston says to himself as he catches his breath, smiles and nods, appreciating her body and essence up close; while acknowledging her apology.  

Sweetheart, if only you knew; you could do anything, and I would forgive you.

Dr Quinn continues playfully, “Have you noticed something missing from your room?  One of your best friends is gone.”

Huh?  Auston looks around wondering who she’s talking about.

“Your heart monitor is gone! Bet you’re glad to say goodbye to that noisy thing eh?”

Oh, Sunshine, you have no idea...and thank god for that sweet mercy.

“Also, no Ventilator!  You did it, Auston!  You’re getting there.  Slow and steady, right?”  Dr Quinn is upbeat.  She is really happy for Auston.  She looks to gauge his reaction.  

Auston is distracted. Taking advantage of the heart monitor being gone, he looks to find clues to see if Dr Quinn is in love with Dr Peters.  He starts scanning her body.

While the two doctors take a moment to talk amongst themselves, Auston begins running an internal dialogue with himself:  No visible hickeys.  No obvious swollen lips.  No mussed up hair…well, I’m sure she would have showered after.  No scuff marks on her face from Dr McDreamy’s stubble.  Didn’t notice an uncomfortable walk.  Hard to tell.  Does she seem ‘over the moon’?  Shit!  I don’t know!

“Auston?”  Alex calls to get his attention.  She’s wearing a grin as she’s been watching him.  She has to chuckle to herself, for her brother is gone and she finds it both adorable and hilarious.

Auston snaps out of his covert mission.

Huh?  He looks at Alex.  He sees that she’s caught him.  He rolls his eyes at her ‘know-it-all’ smirk.

“Dr Wright just said she needs to leave”, she tells him.

“Yes, Auston, if you’re alright and you don’t have any questions, I will leave you as I have another procedure to perform”, she advises.

Auston gives Dr Wright the thumbs up and mouths, thank you.

“Your most welcome, Auston. If anything comes up that you would like to discuss, please know that both myself and Dr Quinn are here for you. I’ll be following up with you tomorrow”, She says, smiling as she bids farewell to the group and leaves the room.

Just then, Dr Quinn grabs a chair and pulls it closer to Auston’s left-hand bedside.  

Alex takes that as her cue and makes an excuse that she needs to run an errand and will be back in about an hour or so.

They are together now. Alone.

Finally!  Auston is relieved and excited.  Here we go!

“So Auston, how are you doing?”  Dr Quinn asks.

What do I say?  He wonders to himself.

“Auston?”  Dr Quinn repeats.

“Sorry, what?”  He writes.

“How are you doing?” She asks with genuine concern.

“Just peachy”, he writes to be sarcastic.  He’s forgiven her but he can’t forget what she put him through this past week.

“You?”  He adds.

“Ha! Peachy, Auston. Such a kidder.  Me, I’ve been busy, but pretty good”, She tells him.

Auston has to smile at her reply.  But he isn’t about to dabble in small talk after spending a week thinking on her ‘Dr Peters’ situation.  

“How was your date?” He gets right to it.

“Uhm, good.  You’ll be happy to know that I now have a life.”  She says with a nervous giggle.

Auston is crushed.  He feels as if his heart has just been stomped on. He is sure it is the most devastating news he has ever received.  His heart sinks.

“Glad to hear.”  He lies.  He can’t even bring himself to fake a smile.

“Everything okay, Auston?”

“Yup.  I’m living the life.”  He writes, again sarcastically.

She tries to cheer him, “Auston, your big day is coming soon.  You’re going home soon and we’ll get to hear that voice of yours.”

“Yeah, voice probably won’t work”, He writes.

“Well, that’s the spirit, Auston!”  She jokes. “I for one, personally can’t wait for that day.”

Auston is morose.

Dr Quinn feels uncomfortable and concerned.  She knows Auston is struggling with his emotions, but she senses that he’s upset with her.

“Oh, I heard your parents went home to Arizona.”  She changes the subject.

“Yes.  They’ve been gone for a few days now.”  He writes.

You’d know that if you came around this week, He wants to say.

“I see.  How have you been doing with everything?  I mean, emotionally?”  She asks.

“Not good”, he writes matter-of-factly.  He wishes he could tell her just how devastating her dating news and lack of visits have been to him.

“What made you so busy this week?”  He tries to delve.

“Oh, I had a Medical Conference away from the hospital.”

“And…? He prompts her. “You went out with that doctor a few times?”  He writes.  He can’t help himself.

“Yes, we went out a few times.”  She answers uncomfortably.

All Auston can think about is that Dr Dude taking her to bed.  No!  I want to be the one that takes you to bed!  I need to make you feel my love.

“He treated you well? You like him?”  He dares to ask.

“Yeah, pretty good.  Yeah.”  Her answers are vague.  She’s uncomfortable.

Auston’s confused and a bit concerned about her ‘pretty good’ comment to the question about whether the guy treated her well and would like to go down that Rabbit Hole but Dr Quinn quickly changes the subject.

“But enough about me, let’s talk about you, Auston Matthews, my patient”, she says to remind them both where their focus needs to stay.

Auston knows he shouldn’t be peppering Dr Quinn with questions about her dating life or she’s going to catch on or get annoyed with him.  He doesn’t want either of those things.  Although she’s shutting him down on the subject, the answers she has given him make him a little confused, concerned and want to throw up.  It will kill him, but he knows he needs to stop asking.  He’ll have to take a different approach.

He has an idea:  

By now, I think I know her heart and how she thinks, what her guiding principles are; what drives her. I’ll turn them in my favour to get where I need this to go.

It’s Dr Quinn’s objective to get Auston talking about his mental health.  She feels uncomfortable discussing her love life with him and regrets letting him know such personal information.  She knows it’s unprofessional, but deep down it’s even more than that; something that she won’t allow herself to acknowledge. Instead, she tells herself that Auston only asks about her dating life because he’s bored and doesn’t want to see her get hurt because she’s his doctor.  

She stands up and walks over to the plant on the window ledge.  She picks it up.  “Nice Cactus eh Auston?”  She smiles.

“Yes, some sweet person gave that to me.” He writes.

Dr Quinn can’t control her blush.  “Well, thank you, Auston.”  

Auston plays, “Yeah, I believe it was Nurse, Julie, who gave it to me if I remember correctly.”  He writes, trying to mess with her.

Instantly, Dr Quinn feels uneasy.  She’s sure he’s just messing with her, but surprisingly, reading that he wrote, Julie is ‘sweet’ and is giving another woman credit for something she did, to be nice to him, makes her defensive.

She dismisses her feelings as silly but still can’t help herself, “Oh, really?  Well, be sure to tell her that she has great taste.”  

Without backing down from his ploy he quickly writes, “I will.”

She still can’t leave it alone.  “Funny though, I seem to recall it was me who gave you a cactus just last week, and it looks an awful lot like this one with the blue ribbon.  It’s got the Go Leafs Go blue and all.”

Ha!  Auston knows he got her.  He just proved that she needs for him to know she cares about him.  That’s all the incentive he needs.  “Well, whoever gave it to me, it’s my most coveted award.  Stanley has nothing on that baby cactus”, He writes with a smirk.

“Oh, really?  And why is that?”  She says smiling, hopeful he will say it’s because she gave it to him, but scolds herself for wanting that.

He would love to tell her it’s because of who gave it to him.  But he knows better, so instead, he writes, “Because of what it stands for.”

She is surprised that she finds herself a little disappointed by his answer but brushes the feeling aside and reminds herself what’s most important.

She gets back on track. “And what does it stand for, Auston?”

“Getting off the Ventilator. Getting out of ICU”, He writes.

“Right!  And now look at you breathing through your mouth and nose! In five more days you’ll be able to try speaking, and you’ll be going home!  How do you feel about that?”

He wants to say, afraid that I won’t get to see you much after I leave. But instead, he writes, “Excited but also nervous about how my voice is going to sound.  Afraid you won’t be able to restore it.”

“Well, how about we make a deal that we cross that bridge when we get there?  Plus you know you won’t be alone Auston.  Remember I promised you that I will do my best to fix you?  Like I told you before, I’m with you every step of the way.  Auston, you know that right?”

“Really?”  He questions, knowing what he’s doing.

Dr Quinn is taken aback by his question, “Of course, Auston!   Remember we made a deal?  You’re not alone in this.  We’re a team. I’m right beside you through this.  I’ll try to help you as best I can.  I promised you that.”

She looks at Auston for confirmation that he was mistaken to question that she’d be there for him. Auston stares ahead with a blank face waiting. It’s killing him to make her feel like he doesn’t trust her when the opposite is true.

She starts panicking inside. What the hell?  Why is he not saying he’s just messing with me?  Surely he trusts me?

She hesitates but needs to confront him. “Auston, you don’t believe me?”  Her voice sounds broken.

With a solemn face, he takes in a deep breath, holds it, lets it out and writes, “No, I don���t.” He lies.  

He gives himself a pep talk.  Hang in there, Man.  It’s what you have to do if you want a chance with her.  You have to do this to make sure you get precious time with her.  She’s so fucking busy with work and HIM that she’ll never be able to squeeze you in if you don’t make it a priority for her.  

He wants to tell her:  McDreamy can have you for date nights, but during my last week, in this place, I’ll have you with me during the days.  Not an equal playing field in the least for me but it’s all I’ve got right now.  Instead, he just speaks it in his mind.

Auston knows that somehow, he has to counter what she’s getting from that doctor.

I have to make her question her feelings for him by getting her to know me and like me.  He tells himself.

“Auston?”  Dr Quinn softly pleads for him to answer.  She is shook.  “Auston, why would you say that?”  She feels shocked and hurt.

Auston prays in his mind:

Quinn, I hope you will be able to forgive me for what I’m about to say.  Brace yourself, cause I know this is going to hurt you…But, I have to say it, for the greater good, so here I go:

“Why didn’t you come to visit me this past week?  I was having a really hard time, and it felt like you had abandoned me.”  He writes, knowing what he’s doing.  Knowing her.  He holds himself steady and remembers to breathe.

“Wha?  No!  Oh… Auston!  No!  Oh my goodness, Auston!  No!” Dr Quinn fumbles as her heart tears apart.  She can hardly breathe.  She feels like she’s going to pass out.  She wants to get as near to Auston as possible to convince him otherwise.  She pulls her chair closer to his bedside. 

Feelings she had when Josh died in his accident are surfacing.  Back then she felt like she abandoned him when he died alone on route to the hospital in the ambulance. She should have gone with him, but she let EMS talk her out of it.  She felt as though she let him down in his hour of need. With Auston, she could have been there for him this week if she had made him a priority.  She lost her focus.

Her spirit feels like it’s crumbling and tears begin to well up as she makes assumptions. He felt abandoned by me.  On my watch! I let him down!  How could I be so insensitive?  I caused him pain!  Hasn’t he suffered enough?! 

She has a sudden intense desire to grab his hand, hold it and make him know that she cares about him.  But she stops herself, realizing that would be inappropriate.  She is doing everything she can to not let her tears spill.  It wouldn’t be professional, she tells herself.

Auston knows she’s inches from him, but he won’t dare look at her.  His senses are in overdrive.  He feels she’s about to cry.  His heart is breaking into pieces knowing how this is hurting her.  He wants desperately to grab her, pull her into his arms and confess his love for her.  But he can’t. He knows he’d lose her.  Even if she didn’t want to, he knows she’d have to pull away, shut him out completely.  She’d have to find him another doctor and she’s the only one who can do what she does with voice rejuvenation.  She’d reject him because her career does not permit her to encourage an attraction.  The timing is so bad.  

He knows what he has said is tearing her apart.  He knows being there for her patients is her sole purpose for being and he’s made her feel she’s failed him in that very objective.  He can’t bear what he’s done, but he believes it’s the only card he has to play.  Will it work?

P.S.  The photo of the cactus is a joke.  Just thought it was funny.

[rainbows-fanfics]

New Positives

Louis' P.O.V. It wasn't a good sight when I found my girlfriend stagger inside of the room, supporting herself on a nearby wall and groaning slightly. I saw A.J.'s head poke out of the door as he came to her side to support Clementine. I stood from where I was and offered to help, but A.J. shook his head and insisted he had her. He assisted her onto the mattress and she took care of matters from there, resting  her head to the side and gazing at me through half-lidded eyes. For a moment, no words were exchanged. She looked at me and I looked at her. I smiled to show that things were going to be okay. I knew they would be since we both made it out alive. A little worse for wear, but still alive. She returned the smile and shut her eyes, gritting her teeth as the pain came back. A.J. came to her side and rested his head on her shoulder, looking up at her in worry. I'd been waiting in her room for an hour as Ruby tended to her wounds. It took awhile before she returned, having so many injuries and Clementine's was among the worst experienced at the Delta's boat. Not only did I see her fight with Minnie and her struggle with Violet, but I heard she went hand-to-hand with Lily after we escaped. I wanted nothing more than to wait for her, comforting Clem the first thing after she was left to rest. I tried to make light of the situation. "Strong little dude, huh?" "He's as strong as they come." Clementine played along, ruffling A.J.'s hair. He smiled but said nothing as his mouth formed back into a frown. It was clear he wasn't in the mood. Even my smile dropped as I looked Clem up and down. "How are you holding up? You looked real hurt." "Lily's gotten a lot stronger over the years." Her eyelids drooped. "She had me pinned against the wall. I was fighting for my life by the time that happened." "I was really worried you wouldn't come back. It seemed impossible to me, saving them and managing to escape. Especially since you were still there when the explosion went off." I couldn't even manage a light tone. The whole memory was just devastating. "I'm... really glad you're okay." "I don't know if Violet is. They were starting to brainwash her and I think she's still in love with Minnie...I don't even know if she got out okay. She won't talk to me." "Don't beat yourself up. She hasn't said a word to me, either." I clasped my hands together and stared at my boots. "That whole situation was fucked from the start. At least we got them back. And we stopped them from taking anymore kids." Clem didn't say anything. A.J. held her hand and she gripped it back. I watched them smile at each other, not exchanging any words and instead speaking through their eyes. I did the same thing with her before we left after our little 'date' - telling each other we'd make it through okay. "What about you?" Her golden eyes looked up at me, now filled with the concern I had for her. "I know you didn't want to kill that girl...It sounded like you shot by accident. You seemed a little shaken."

"That was the first time I killed somebody." I felt sick as the words left my tongue. "It wasn't intentional, but I had a weapon. I didn't want Minnie to kill you. I...I couldn't live with that if it happened. I saw her stab you and...shit, I didn't know what I was going to do." "You let fear take control of you," A.J. told me. My eyes widened. All I could do was nod slightly in agreement. "Yeah...I did." "I let anger get to me. I didn't breathe. I didn't let it pass." He continued, drawing his eyes up to Clem slowly. "I shot Lily, but I did more than I needed to...I was just so mad after she hurt our friends. James looked like he didn't want to be my friend anymore." "We'll talk about that later, A.J." I could tell how tense she was just by the sound of her voice. "What matters is we're back together. Things are different and we may have done things that we didn't need to do, but the important thing is we got out okay." I wanted to say more. Express my disbelief in Minnie, come to terms with the fact that she has been brainwashed. And killed Sophie. Marlon shed blood on our own people, but he wasn't the only one anymore. Hearing them want to make Clem one of their soldiers...it made my blood boil. I still can't get over everything that happened in those cells. I even remembered what A.J. did when I was pinned to the ground. "Thanks for what you did back there." I nodded to him. "You, uh, didn't have to eat someone's ear off for my sake. But I'm glad to know you have my back." "I couldn't let them hurt my friend. And I know you have mine, too." He smiled. I thought more of what else to say, rubbing the back of my neck as I recollected everything again. There was so much to think about. So much that happened. I wanted to think of it as a nice rescue mission for everyone from the beginning, but deep down I knew how horrifying it was actually going to be. "Clem?" I started, my hands shaking a little. "How did it feel when you first killed someone?" Her eyes widened. She started, "Louis-" "-I know, I know. It's really personal and shitty to talk about, but-" I felt my voice fail and took a moment to swallow, shutting my eyes tightly. "I-I need to know it's going to be okay..." I couldn't see the look on her face, but I didn't exactly want to. As much as her little nods of encouragement helped me before, this was something I emotionally needed to sort out. I listened as she took in a long breath, holding it for a few seconds until she let it out. By that moment I regretted asking but she answered before I could stop her. "The first time I remember killing someone was when I was taken." I noticed she was looking away from me when I glanced up. "He had a gun aimed at Lee. I was out of his sight. I didn't have a choice. It was intentional, but only because I was protecting someone I cared about." "What happened?" A.J. asked. She shook her head. "He and Lee got into a struggle and all I heard was choking. It was either I shoot him or the person I cared about would be killed. It wasn't easy to do. I was scared. I had just taken someone's life, but it was the life of a man who kidnapped a child knowing who he was taking her away from." Her voice hardened. "It changed me, but it taught me that protecting those you love is worth taking that chance." I felt cold. I wanted to imagine myself in her situation - aiming a gun at a person who was hurting someone I loved. Someone...choking Clementine. Or pinning her against a wall. Or...trying to shove a knife through her chest while holding her onto the ground. Like Minnie did. And I sat there and shouted threats instead of taking the shot. I was scared and I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't want to hurt anybody. But if that woman hadn't have come, then...Clementine might have died. Because I was too weak to do what she does so easily. My silence opted A.J. to have his two cents. He sounded hopeful with his words, taking in the story better than I did. "You were really brave, Clem. I would've shot him, too." "That's not the point I'm trying to make. What I mean to tell you, Louis, is that no one's expecting you to move on from this. No one thinks that you'll walk out of there feeling like your usual self after this. It's different when you're being attacked, but I know how it feels killing someone who didn't pose as a threat just yet." We both looked up at the same time, locking our eyes together. I expected her golden ones to be full of assurance and hope, but instead they were as clouded as mine was with feelings of guilt. She added to her words slowly. "But if you hadn't killed her, I might've died. That blade was getting closer to my heart. Dorian was going to let others know we were there. Accident or not, you taking that shot saved us and let you and the others escape. I understand it's not something you're going to be proud of, but if anything, I want to thank you for protecting me." I clenched my teeth. I was so close to crying. I couldn't do this in front of A.J. Not now. Not ever. It took a lot of strength not to get up and hug Clem and sob in her shoulder. I held myself down and spoke through my teeth. "I didn't want to lose you, Clementine. Just thinking about it fucks me up so bad. How could I deal with that for the rest of my life? Just killing that woman it...it screwed me up so bad. I'm not strong enough for that." "I know you aren't, Louis...I wasn't, either. Not...for a long time." I looked up from my hands and noticed her frown. Her tone went soft. Even A.J. noticed her change. I cleared my throat and leaned forward, trying not to let myself go again. She was more important to me right now. It was easy to tell that there was something on her mind. "Is there something you want to talk about?" She bit her lip and looked in every direction but mine. She hung her head low to ruffle A.J.'s hair again but stopped when he looked unfazed. She wasn't fooling him. She wasn't fooling either of us. We both waited as she sighed, bringing her hands into her lap and finally looking up from the ground. "I'm just remembering the last time I felt like you did." She shut her eyes. "All of the people I didn't want to lose, lost because of...me. All the people who have protected and helped me, and in return, they all died." "Clem?" My eyes focused on her, my tone lowered out of concern and in disbelief. "Do you have survivor's guilt?" I had my answer the moment she took her eyes off of me. A.J. and I looked at each other. We had the same look plastered on both of our faces. She crossed her arms and we both turned back to her. There was a guilty look about her eyes. "How could I not? So many people have died because of me." She clenched her jaw. "Everywhere I go, there becomes less people. Until the only one left is me. Everyone around me dies, but I don't. I think I'm a jinx." "That's not--" "Violet was telling me, back in that cell, how ever since I've gotten here, people have just died. And they keep dying. Marlon, Brody, Mitch...I'm the problem for fighting back. Minnie told me that when she was trying to kill me." She looked away mournfully. "Why shouldn't I believe them?" "None of that is your fault, Clementine!" I exclaimed. "Marlon gave away our own people behind our backs and lied about it. And that happened before you were ever here. And he would've kept doing it if you hadn't come along. Those raiders would've taken all of us eventually, and if you hadn't come and led us against them, then we'd be brainwashed, murdering soldiers by now." "Even you believed I was the cause of everything." Her words stabbed into my heart. "You wanted me gone. Because I learned what Marlon did, he and Brody died. And because I made you guys fight, Mitch died. You were right to want me gone...more people were bound to die soon." "Clem, don't talk like that." I got up and stood over her. "I  know what I believed was wrong. You weren't the cause of anything. You just got caught up in Marlon's bullshit and, and the raiders were a threat ever since he negotiated with them." I put my hands on my hips in distress. I can feel myself getting worked up. I was fuming just hearing her saying these things. "-I don't want you to take responsibility for shit. The only people you killed were the ones who tried to take us. And you even saved Aasim's life! You aren't a jinx of anything." I didn't realize how hot I was until I felt her hand touch mine, her skin unusually cold. I stopped in the midst of my ranting to turn to her. She looked concerned. But for what? I was defending her name against all the bullshit everyone's been pinning against her. Accusations even I was guilty of. But I knew they were wrong now. I wanted to emphasize that. "No, Louis, this has been going on long before I even came here." I lifted an eyebrow. She noticed my interest and scooted over to pat the spot beside her. I took the invitation very slowly, setting myself on the mattress and looking over at her wearily. A.J. was silent. I held my breath as I watched Clem close her eyes again. She didn't say anything nor opened them for a solid minute. "It wasn't just Lee who died because of me." She confessed. "I've lost...others, at my own sake. And everyone I've been around has died, too. Sometimes, I don't even have to do anything to cause it. It just...happens. Whenever I come across groups, they always seem to be doing fine and have survived with their people for so long. But the moment they let me join them, things turn for the worse." "That...that can't have any correlation to you." I commented apprehensively. "Just because-" "-Not finished." She held up a finger. "After Lee, I was left with two guardians. One of them died because I left my gun on a counter in a bathroom. It was taken by a girl who was wanted my things and ended up shooting my guardian by mistake. If I hadn't have left that gun there and brought it with me, that wouldn't have happened." "But you didn't-" She stopped me again. By now I realized I had to keep my arguments to myself until her story was done. I shut my mouth again and refrained the urge to roll my eyes in frustration. She continued on as A.J. scooted closer, holding onto her side, fascinated with the story. "I was fending for myself after I was separated from my other guardian. I was...bitten by this dog I found in a camp. I thought it was friendly until I found food, then it attacked me. I tried to find help before I'd bleed out to death. I was saved by these two men, but when they saw the bite, they thought it was a walker who had gotten me." She rolled up her sleeve of one arm and showed it to me. I just now noticed the large scar. I winced and wondered how I hadn't seen it sooner. "They brought me back to their people. One of them was a doctor. He couldn't tell it was a dog bite and didn't want to take any chances. So they left me out in a shed in case I'd turn. I needed medical help or things weren't going to end well. I had to sneak in and steal their supplies...I sewed it by myself." "Oof." A.J. cringed. "Didn't that hurt?" "It did. Hurt like hell, actually." She gripped her arm and I made a face similar to A.J.'s. "It was tense with them, but they decided to take me in. When I was with that group, I thought I found a stable home with people I could rely on. But it was far from that. While they were gone some day, a man came to the cabin asking where his people were. I didn't like him. And I learned his 'people' were the ones I was staying with. We had to flee otherwise he would come back, and we eventually found a lodg-" She froze. Her eyes went wide and she abruptly shut them again, clutching at both of her sides. I leaned forward and held onto her arm, trying to get a better look at her. She didn't say another word. "What's wrong?" I asked. "I...I found Kenny." My heart stopped when I saw a tear leave her eye. "He...he was good friends with Lee and looked after me. Helped me protect A.J. Anyway...when we had to defend the lodge from walkers, another group found us. And it had that same man from the cabin. That man turned out to be the leader of a community who used his aggression to keep people in line. I helped take him and his people down, but on the way, many people died." I wanted to react to everything she just told me, but I couldn't. She continued right away with the story, giving me no time to breathe, really. "A.J. and I came into contact with another community called the New Frontier. They were made up of survivors, but they weren't kind, either. They took A.J. from me when he was just a baby, and I had to leave them. Apparently after their people started dying, they began to raid other communities. They were doing...awful things. I teamed up with Javier to take them down, and even though we did, so many people died in the process...like with that other community." "All of those people I was with, so many died. Either because of me or I came along. A little of Javi's family survived, but other than that, not many people did. Just because of me, two communities were wiped out along with several innocent people. Anyone I come across either turns or gets killed. It's never any different." "That's not true," A.J. piped in, hugging her arm. "You still have me." She rested her hand over his and smiled, nodding slowly. "Yeah. I do." I looked around on the floor as I held in a breath, still taking in the story. "But-But all of that was bullshit! Didn't it piss you off that these communities were already shit BEFORE you came along? It's better that they're gone, isn't it?" "I think so. But there were others that sided with them. Because they were being protected or were manipulated into thinking their ways were right. There are very little communities that rely on kindness and family to run things. That's why I didn't want to cause you guys any harm." Her hand inched towards mine, entwining our fingers as she looked up into my eyes. "That's why, when you and the others wanted us gone, I didn't fight back. I knew it was for the best. More of you would die if I was around for any longer. But I didn't want to see you guys becoming into these people. I knew I was bad luck, but I had to stop you from turning into of them." The breath left my throat as her words sunk into my heart. "-I didn't want to see you in their hands, Louis. You've shown me that humanity and kindness still exists. I only believed people thrived on being hard and supporting themselves is what would make it in the apocalypse, but you taught me that life is still worth enjoying, even when it seems to be meaningless." "Clem..." I was too weak to manage any other words. "I had to adapt to killing. It's how I've survived. It's not something I'm proud of, but the sacrifice is worth defending people you love. I just hope you can realize that someday." Her thumb rubbed against mine. I was so numb I barely felt it. "You're going to be okay. We all are. I understand if it's going to haunt you for awhile, but at some point you'll move on from this. I promise, Louis." A tear rolled down my cheek. I shut my eyes when they began to sting, clenching my teeth as a few more escaped. My grip must've weakened because I felt her squeeze my hand. I smiled feeling that and slowly opened them again, blinking away the moistness until she wasn't blurry anymore. This was all I could do in this situation - smile and hold her back. I was usually the one trying to make others feel better, yet Clem had just done the same for me. And she's probably right - this isn't going to last forever. She's been through more shit than I have since this all started. I didn't believe it until now, but what I did helped get everyone back and prevent the worst from happening. I "There's just one thing I have to know," I told her sincerely, watching her heartfelt expression turn into a serious one. "If you're such bad luck, then how come I've never been happier until you came into my life?" She swatted me away. "Louis-" I reached for her hands, shaking my head. "No, I'm not joking. I'm...I'm serious, Clem." She stopped fighting. "You can't be a jinx if you've made someone's life a million times better. And believe me, you have." She looked away, biting her lip slightly. "Are you sure?" "I'm positive that lying to my girlfriend would end with some serious repercussions." I sat back and grinned coyly, rolling my eyes to the side. "Yes, I'm sure you've made my life a lot better, Clementine." "I don't think you're a jinx either, Clem." A.J. added, squeezing her arm tightly. "You've made my life really good, too!" She grinned at us both before I felt her hand climb around my shoulder and squeeze me closer to her, her other hand wrapped around A.J. My arm rested over her frame and I took a moment to gently graze my cheek over hers, feeling the dampness of two tears that had managed to slip from her eyes. I could hear her speaking under her breath, the words barely above a whisper. "I'm so lucky to have both of you guys."

[cutekitten6]

Avengers Endgame Spoilers

you’ve been warned

The Good

STEVE ROGERS YIELDING THE MOTHERFUCKING MJOLNIR I CANT BELIEVE THIS!!!! it was totally insane and i knew what was happening when it started moving but holy shit it was just amazing everytime he used it!!!

and we almost got to see if peter was worthy of the hammer too but fucking dakjhfkasldhj

IRON DAD SPIDER SON HUG WAS SO PURE!!! i very fucking cried like yes tony, you guys are at the level of a hug and <3 <3 <3

Everyone coming back at the end fight scene was honestly just jaw dropping. You’re lifted with so much hope when all the magic portals open and you see all the heroes who vanished returned. It was so so so good

Tony and Nebula’s friendship couldve been shown more :( like the opening scene was him and her playing and they were so cute!! like for real they did us dirty by not showing us that they became good friends

CAPTAIN MARVEL REALLY DID SAVE TONY JUST LIKE WE KNEW SHE WOULD AGSDJAHDGFJAHS

I said it to my friends and I’ll say it here: I knew for a fact that Scott’s family wasn’t dusted. He was too chipper in the trailers so I knew his family was A-Okay.

MORGAN H. STARK IS THE CUTEST LITTLE BEAN AND SHE DESERVES THE WORLD WITH HER FATHER.

Tony and Steve checking out Steves ass was comedy gold and so valid. Especially after Steve fought himself and went “yeah you right”

the female team up to protect peter parker was so fucking great i loved it so much.

The Sad

Our main Marvel trio reunited/saw/talked with people they loved who died during their time travel mission and oof it hurted.

Thor being one depressed dude(tm) and having a talk with his mother on the day she was going to die was v heartbreaking

Tony having an actual adult conversation with his dad was a big sad moment, esp when he realised that Howard Stark really did love his family

STEVE SEEING PEGGY AGAIN DDDD: that shit hurted a lot and I knew that when we was putting the stones back that he would stay with her. How that doesnt create a ripple effect in time because he changed the timeline idk. Russo bros i just want to talk

When tony snapped his fingers, the entire cinema applauded and cheered. meanwhile i was sobbing and clutching my mouth because I knew what that would mean for him. I don’t think Tony should have been the one to be sacrificed. He had finally found his happy place and he didn’t deserve to be taken away from that. The only solace i have is that Pepper and Peter were with him and tried to ease him into death.

Black Widow sacrificing herself was hmmm. Like i knew between her and Clint, she would be the one to die because Clint had family to get back to and she would never have let him die and give that up. But like really? Really?? im a bit bitter but not so much.

The Confusing

As I’ve mentioned before, wouldn’t steve’s choice to stay in the past and grow old WITH PEGGY have effects on their future? She had married someone else and I think even had kids (not sure about that tho). Don’t get me wrong, them slow dancing in their house happy and in love was a good way to end the movie but still.

the time travel stuff was confusing to begin with. like yeah they try to explain it with the ancient one, but it didnt help that much.

like Nebula KILLS her past self. even thought that past self is brough to the future, wouldn’t she die too?? they tried to explain this in the movie but it wasn’t done v well.

also the entire thing about the two nebulas sharing a memory hard drive like?? im not sure thats how computers work but go off.

all in all, great movie. it didn’t go the way i was expecting, but the conclusion was pretty satisfying for me. i am still sad, but not as emotionally devastated as i was last year.

[ella--cooper]

Reconciliation | A Big & Little Bear Conversation

mentioning: @evieblmnt @franmellina

“I want you to walk me down the aisle at my wedding.”

The words were out of Ella’s mouth as soon as she set her eyes on Hector. After the weekend she had finally decided to stop avoiding him, to stop punishing him for something they had no real control over, especially not when she was engaged and getting the kind of happiness she had been craving. So she had gotten up that morning and skated her way over to Fran’s house in Kings Park, knowing he’d be leaving for work soon, and she was right as she caught him in the driveway heading out to his truck. 

“I’ve been..avoiding you, obviously. Because I’ve been trying to wrap my head around all of this shit, you know? I mean,” she took a deep breath and shook her head, “It’s like okay you get the experience of being there for a pregnacy for your kid but this is also supposed ot be my experience being a mom and like we’re sharing it and I’m selfish, I-I can’t help it. But it’s stupid, because you were gonna be in this baby’s life anyway. A-and..its like,” she sighed, chewing at her bottom lip a bit as she tried to get her thoughts together, “I love Evie and I love that you two get along but it’s like...sharing you is hard to, you know? I mean Hec you...you’re like everyone’s dad and big brother but for me, you were always there. I mean you were the one who gave me girl advice, who always picked up the phone when I called from college, who stayed with us for weeks after my parents died and I..I was angry, that all of our worlds got tangled up in each other because I just..feel like everything’s changed and I look at you and it feels..different. And I hate that but I’m..I’m getting over it. And I love you, dude. Like a whole fucking lot. And my dad loved you, like you know he always wished you were his son, so, that makes you my brother. And I can’t think of anyone else who I’d want to walk me down the aisle, even if I am totally marrying your baby mama. But like you and Fran are good and me and Evie are good so, I want us to be happy, you know? I want us to help this kid never feel unloved or uncertain. But also like make mistakes like a normal human being. I want us to just, not spend the rest of our lives trying to wade through the awkwardness and I don’t want our kid to know anything other than us being the fucking coolest, weirdest, hottest, most brilliant parents there are. All four of us. You, me, Evie and Fran, because we all know she’s fucking supermom and also she can throw down in the kitchen pretty much equal to you and I have a lot of respect for that. So, is uh, is that cool with you?” 

Hector had been caught off guard to say the least, having struggled to even get out the house this morning. Since the family dinner he really didn’t know what to do with himself. He had said his peace but his family was everything to him, being without them, looking at his sister differently, it was uncomfortably devastating. But there were pockets of goodness, in finding out he was having a son, in spending time with Fran and Bree, in being grateful for the home he now had and was becoming more and more comfortable in. And then came Ella..

“Y-you want?” Hector let out a deep breath, wanting to laugh at how perfectly Ella this was. He knew she took a long time to think things through, always acting dramatically and emotionally and then coming back to her consistent kindess and forgiveness. He knew this about her and yet still had worried that he had ruined things between them, that she would never look at him the same, the little girl who used to follow him around the block, always wanting to try what he was doing. The girl he taught how to drive a car and how to throw a punch, the girl who’s wedding he’d 100% be sobbing at. 

“Fuck yeah, you know I will. I mean that means I gotta get an even nicer tux but I’m there, I’m so there.” His expression softened and he took a few steps forward, his arms opening as she took quick steps to wrap her arms around him and held onto him tight, his own wrapping her up as he closed his eyes.  

“I’m sorry,” she mumbled and held onto him a little tighter. 

“I’m sorry, too, kid. But also I’m not cause, little lime is gonna be a boy, that’s gonna be a hell of a kid.” He laughed softly and kissed the side of her head before pulling back, shaking his head as he sniffled. “I’ve been crying too much these days, you’re not helping.”

She laughed and shook her head, reaching out to punch his shoulder lightly. “Hate to break it to you, old man, but you were always a cryer. It’s that Aquarius energy,” she joked, feeling lighter now that she had gotten off her chest. “You know what you look like?” She waited for him to ask before smiling. “You look like a dude who needs to say fuck work, let’s go smoke up, get some good ass food and go to the fucking batting cages. You’re driving.”

Hector’s smile widened easily, remembering the days after the Coopers death where he would take Ella to the batting cages to get her rage out and they’d always end the day with a big meal and his stupid stories. So much had changed for them and yet, so much had stayed the same and he was grateful for that, grateful for a chance to do as much right as he could. “You got it, champ,” he told her, moving to the drivers side as Ella hopped into the passenger seat.

“So,” Hector started, as he pulled out of the driveway, giving Ella a cheeky grin, “What do you think about Hector the third?” He let out a laugh at her expression and as she reached out to his his arm, not hesitating to mess with his radio, their laughter filling up the car. And they both knew, they both felt it, and they both finally made peace with the fact that everything would be okay, it always would be. 

[electric-dick]

thoughts on GoT s8e3

yall complaining so much about the dark? petty. it’s called immersive filming. also if if you have a shitty ass TV and watched it with every light in your house on then what did you fuckin expect. gtfo

the score was dope as fuck. when the dead broke thru the trench? a bop. when theon was making his run at NK and jorah was getting wreckt? emotionally devastating. stellar music all around, deserves all the awards, etc.

nice to see melisandre put some fire magic out there, A++ witchy vibe, would watch more of

ain’t nobody talking about the goddamn dothraki holocaust we witnessed. rude. when all their lit up blades started going out was when my guts started gurgling.

lots of folks talking about girl power. yes. that’s great, of course. arya and brienne aside, even tiny little dany picked up a sword later on. let’s not forget the numerous instances of dude characters sacrificing themselves to save others as well as the entire scene where glegane saved arya right after the library madness. arya might be the hero but she was kinda down for the count there for a hot second. good thing there was some help there for her, regardless of gender. doesn’t always have to be a fucking battle of the sexes honestly, that shit feels played out.

where’s the other dragon? can’t keep up with their names, but it was the one jon was on whilst fighting the NK mid air.

really overall felt like the dragons were underused in terms of fighting the dead. battle plan should have held all foot soldiers much further back and let the dragons just toast up as many dead as possible. idk i guess that sort of thing us hard to plan around, they did address that the storm was creating vision issues. blargh~

the reanimation scene when the NK brings all the folks who were just fighting against him back to life was truly horrific and well done. also added more flavor to the air of exhaustion already hanging heavy over the battlefield.

NK scene walking up all badass to Bran with his Ice dudes behind him like O’ren Ishii in Kill Bill, that shit was well shot 👍🏼

RIP Theon Greyjoy, first and foremost- WHAT IS DEAD MAY NEVER DIE MY MAN 🙏🏼

idk how Jorah was available and ready to scopp Dany up when he was but good fuckin job buddy. great hustle. without him the dragon queen would be another corpse to clean up.

speaking of, i hope that even the white walkers that had already been killed were turned to ice as well when the NK ate it because otherwise Winterfell is gonna be a goddamn mess and a half to clean up, that’s the real fucking nightmare. think about it tho. frost dragon fucked up all the walls and shit. it’s winter, fixing shit like that in a blizzzard is twice the work. then you gotta drag all the smelly half rotted corpses out and burn them. i feel exhausted and overwhelmed just thinking on it.

over all this was one of the most stressful fucking episodes of television i’ve ever watched and it straight up gave me anxious diarrhea. looking forward to seeing Cersei get tossed up by the now righteously enraged group of surviving armies.

[jijijisun]

maybe this is all for the best.

i can’t believe or have hope that he’s gonna actually come back and give me the apology i deserve, or change, or do anything at all. i’ve had hope like that before and it fucking killed me. so, no more disappointments. i’m giving up completely. 

that phone call was a fucking train wreck. i don’t know what i expected.

empathy? i guess. is it so hard for men - or just isaiah - to turn it on? it requires too much effort, apparently, to empathize and be genuine. well, i objectively think that’s bullshit. in this particular situation, i guess i’m just...not surprised.

by any of it. and while i feel a certain sense of loss, i’m not exactly sad. and i guess i was a little shocked, but he doesn’t seem particularly sad either. i guess i hoped, or thought that maybe if he really loved me, he would be truly devastated, so desperately sorry for everything he had said and done, begging for my forgiveness. but no...he was sorry, sure. but repentant, no. 

i’m still sad that every guy i’ve ever been in a serious relationship with fucking hates me or i hate them, but yknow what................oh well? who do i know who’s like, best friends with their ex? or even on good terms with their ex? only people who are considering getting back together with their ex, and lord knows that for sure is not me. maybe that’s the only reason people kind of stay friends - because they’re considering getting back together one day. 

well, i know i’m not gonna get back together with any of them, so maybe that’s all well and good. 

i don’t hate him but i definitely don’t think highly of him. he was like, “don’t think of me as some devil or evil person.” i wanted so badly to say that i did, but i didn’t. i don’t know why i didn’t just read him for filth. probably because i was holding out hope that we could come to an understanding.

but obviously not. and i don’t want to, i guess. his tone was so disrespectful. so flippant and obviously not remorseful. i don’t care he hooked up with some other girl but why did he say it like that? “i’m going to that udon place you took me to”, or showed me, or whatever. like ok.....coool....have fun taking other girls to the places i showed you?

i actually am not really that mad though, about the girl. like i don’t hate her, whoever she is. there was definitely a point in time where i would’ve been angry and i hated this random shadow person who will only ever exist as an idea in my head....but what’s the point of that lol 

now i’m just like, good luck bitch! maybe you will enjoy that roller coaster ride. i sure as hell did not. 

i’ve briefly considered the idea of just fucking random/not so random other dudes but i don’t know if that is really what i’m after. it’s not, really. i think what i want right now is to dance. to have a good time with friends who love me and care about me. and luckily, i got those. i think the anxiety often makes me feel like i don’t, but i think that i do. i have friends. i might not have an emotional support rock like isaiah used to be for me, but better to have loyal, honest and true friends than the inconsistent piece of shit he was. 

like yeah, he read all my tumblrs and knew all my secrets. but he wasn’t there for me when i needed him, ever; he never made me feel cherished or even very liked. my friends care about me, and while they might not be emotionally available at my every whim, they are there for me and support me wholeheartedly. they want good things for me and will do the work to actually help me get to those good things, in words and actions. this i believe. 

and yeah. even if we do become friends, like maybe in five years or never, i never want to date him again. this whole situation + joel taught me i want something completely different, and completely out of the scope of what isaiah is able to provide. i want consistency, honesty, and real emotional security. i want someone who knows how to love, not someone i have to teach love to. 

and whatever. who knows if he’ll change? if he does, so much better for the next girl. if not, i won’t be the one suffering. 

it’s time to just focus on myself. me. to do the things that i want to do, to make myself happy! and if isaiah ever comes back to say a “real” apology, or if he doesn’t, it doesn’t fucking matter. if he fucks a billion girls who are all hotter than me, or starts dating someone who’s also super cool and way too good for him, it doesn’t fucking matter. 

because the time of isaiah terrorizing my life is over. and i’m going to be happy now. i’m free.

[arkus-rhapsode]

I was wondering if you were planning on doing EZ reviews. I personally think if you get past the Erza clone and the similarities in looks with some characters that the story is very well and actually has a better plot than FT did.

So I’m going to give my surface level response on this and I will be fair on my stance like I usually try to. In the most general term, I don’t really review a series I don’t care about. If you notice I haven’t done a review of Black Clover in a while, its mainly cause this current arc is something I don’t really care about and it would feel like a drain on both me and my audience to here that each week. I’m sure my audience and EZ fans probably don’t wanna hear me belly ache about the series week to week.

This series really does show me that its made for people who like Hiro Mashima’s work. And if you do, more power to you, but your probably not going to enjoy my usually dissecting review style.

So right here I’m going to give my thoughts on the series to this point, and I wanna start positively. I do agree that the plot to Eden’s Zero is much better structured than FT’s once you get past the Elsie stuff. The four star shine robots plot to get to Mother actually seems like a good plotting out of how to take this story. It really reminds me of finding the four rave’s.

I also think I’ve mentioned this back in my former reviews, but the setting to is also interesting too, and forces world building. Though, I’d like them to experience the world rather than Witch just read of a synopsis of the world. Yeah having an internet in the world does kinda kill the sense of adventure.

And I will also say that I’m happy that most the cast has motivation unlike most of FT.

And with that we lead into my problems with the  story. First as I mentioned, the the plot does have better structure once you get past the Elsie stuff, the problem is that before that the pacing and plot seems really really slow, very confused, and then introduces such a high concept like time being eaten and going to other worlds in the past. While I do appreciate Hiro trying for a slower pace in the beginning, he’s doesn’t use it interestingly. He could take this time to explain the government or how these cosmos work? Is there king of space? Could the cosmos be cut up like the blues in One Piece? Or how about my biggest question, WHAT THE FUCK IS ETHER GEAR?! No we need more time travel and friendship!

Then there’s the first arc with this whole sister stuff. I will give credit that Rogue Out as villains aren’t too bad. Jin is obviously the best because he might heel turn, the sumo looking guy isn’t overtly evil, which was nice, and I could kinda get into Sister’s whole thing of just doing what she is paid to do as a motivation. But all villains except them are the usual Hiro Mashima bland weirdos with no characterization.

This Illega guy, I was expecting maybe a twist with him and why he has a collection of girls was maybe something subversive. Maybe he is trying to bring back tourism to his planet and by kidnapping B-cubers he was going to make them make the planet more entertaining, I mean Rebecca had a whole chapter praising them as coming up with fun things to do. Maybe he has a child who has an ether gear that made them look human and left him after the planet got closed off saying they’ll become a B-cuber, so he’s kid napping B-cubers to see if that one is her and that stuff that makes them stone should make his child reveal her true form.

No, he’s just a creep who likes turning women into furniture. Because… And that guy Wise’s intro arc who is just a common thug with his leg fetish brothers.

So I can’t call that story well done. If it takes till the Elsie arc to actually get to the plot actually moving forward and that this current arc is this bland and boring arc with everything being in the morally black, its not interesting.

How about the characters? Well, Shiki I’ll at least be fair, is actually gotten better than Natsu mainly cause he’s trying to be proactive. I’ll even give his gravity power at least seems to have more creativity than the generic fire dragon magic. But he’s such a confused and bland character. I mentioned this in my review chapter 1, Shiki’s strongest aspect is his social awkwardness and how that related to being raised around machines in a fantasy park. But he wants Shiki to be like your usual big damn hero whenever the time comes for him to look cool.

I recently watched an interesting piece on how My Hero’s Deku and Black Clover’s Asta represented two different types of shounen protagonists and ways to take a story. With Deku being a representation of the protagonist who needs to grow physically and emotionally into the pillar of his world that can inspire and fufil his dream, while Asta already is the pillar of his world who already can inspire and needs to earn recognition. Both of these types of protagonist are fine, but Shiki is trying to be both of them and it results in none of them. He seemingly needs to grow into a person who can actually get a ton of friends, but he also is apparently the kid who will rock the universe. It just results in a confused character, why does he act like such an idiot when he’s completely competent in action scenes?

And what makes him endearing? Say robots have a heart? Dude all the robots in this series have shown the ability to make expression and have emotion. We saw an android walk the street in chapter 2! Why do machines act like Shiki just told them the word of god after he says they have a heart, they all emote. Look at Pino and especially Witch, they’re displaying a range of emotion. Its not like they look like a cyberman who talks mechanically.

He’s just confused and unfortunately falls always back into that friendship shit as his only motivator instead of possibly addressing the trauma or adding a layer on how he won’t lose other people and what that feels like for him. The only time it really felt like he was living up to that emotionally stunned guy, was when he was beating the shit out of Illega to the point that Pino needed to shut him off, because I’m sure this kid can’t handle the emotion of anger quite yet in this situation.

Rebecca I think is worse though. I don’t know why people like her other than her design. Her personality is essentially jelly that can be morphed into whatever you want to fit the situation. She’s perverted in some scenes, but then doesn’t like perversion? I mean, she gets two guns in her hands and looks like a moron shooting randomly. Like is that badass? Is this what a female character has to do to be considered cool now?

I don’t consider her a rip off of Lucy, because Lucy actually had a character. Had a personality. No she is more a rip off of Elie from Rave, right down to the shooting shit up part. Only Elie made sense cause she was actually really unhinged thanks to the fact that she had no memories. But she got over it! She developed. Outside of her one past flashback with Happy, nothing about her is that interesting. I’ll also give her that she now just gets ether gear and its something she clearly can’t control yet, so there is room for improvement.

Wise, is actually an okay character. He’s got a cool concept of a guy from the past who is an inventor living in the future. I think his only weakness is that his ether gear is stupidly OP.

Pino is… Just and ornament that looks cute. You want your daughteru character to latch onto Shiki, here. Hell, I have bet going with a friend of mine that Pino will get some upgrade and she’ll have the body of a hot teenage girl. Its not that I hate here idea of having her memory erased, but the more I see of her and to more I hear about this robots have a heart makes me wish Michael came along.

Yeah, missed opportunity, cause Michael is not only a foil to Shiki and his adoptive brother, but he also doesn’t have a humanoid face. Meaning he doesn’t get convey true emotion so he actually seems like a robot. He actually seems like he’d have a character arc about discovering wanting to be more and more human. People would call Shiki weird calling a robot his “brother” and Michael never thought about it and we know there are multiple models of Michael. Imagine how fucking devastating it would be to see yourself mass produced. Imagine he actually gets to the point that he wants a humanoid face, because he wants to emote.

No we get Pino, who basically is Carla, but lacks any of thee enjoyable sass. Because we didn’t have enough sidekicks on this cast. Also we learn EMP is how to shut off ether gear, great, this is like if Usopp just had sea-prism stone on him at all times.

Then there’s Homura, she’s awful too. I’ll at least give Rebecca that she’s likable, but Homura she is personalitiy-less and has the worse character gimmick I think I’ve seen. Its not funny, its dumb. She can also use this ether gear too, and its a sword that was apparently passed down-its fucking 10 commandments. She also just walked into this story, like wha…? I’d be fine if she was like hunting the Eden’s Zero ship and watched it take off on Bluegarden, but no, Homura just came along cause she conveniently met Wise.

I’ll give her credit that the sword fighting looks cool, and I understand why people might like her cause that actually seems like something badass, but as a character she just feels tacked on.

Then there’s witch who is basically just the older sister character.

Elsie is not awful actually. She actually is a lot different from Erza and I actually would like to follow the space pirates more than I would want these random travelers. Also quick question, why do they still have the Eden’s Zero looking like a pirate ship? I mean, it looks cool, but these fuckers are not pirates, not even close. Oh wait, I know! We needed to rip off captain Harlock some more.

I’m not going to even talk about the potential love square with Shiki, Rebecca and Lavilla/Labilla, possibly Esie and Homura (?) cause one credit to FT was it wasn’t a harem, and Rave used a character like Celia and Beruka to more add an extra layer to the relationship of Elie and Haru. SO hoping Hiro avoids that.

So yeah if this rant has probably showed you, I don’t think EZ is all that great. But if you like it, fine I get that. I just have no interest in really talking about it week to week as even though I got down on FT, the beginning of the series was still something I enjoyed and I wanted to talk about how the current stuff had turned out. But EZ has no, beginning I liked. So I just don’t feel like I should be talking about it week to week.

[kvotheunkvothe]

What the Fuck Am I Reading: The Tenant of Wildfell Hall

So this is the first and only book I’ve read by Anne Brontë. I’ve read Wuthering Heights and Jane Eyre and had heard Anne’s books aren’t very good. Well, I’m happy to report that whoever told me that is a goddamn liar. I’d rank this at least on the same tier as Jane Eyre (my previous Brontë favorite), if not higher. Not only is it well-written, but hot damn is it raw. The basic premise is about a lady with a young son who previously had an absolutely terrible marriage learning to love and trust again. And Anne does not shy away from describing just how shitty her husband was. In some ways I think I’m glad I came across this book somewhat later, so I have more life experience just to appreciate this book. But on the other hand, I can’t believe I slept on it for so long. I have a lot to say about this, so buckle up.

Let’s start with Gilbert Markham, the new love interest whose POV bookends the narrative. He’s the one who introduces the reader to the titular tenant, the widow Mrs. Helen Graham. Gilbert is a bit excitable, but he has a good heart. He’s hardworking and honest and he refuses to listen to idle rumors. He starts off a little offput about the new tenant of Wildfell Hall because she’s pretty forthright and standoffish, but eventually he’s head over heels for her. And it’s pretty adorable how he tries so desperately to get to know her. He’s sweet with her kid, he’s interested in her paintings, and he’s basically always trying to find ways to spend time with her. As I said, however, he’s a bit excitable: after shooting down all kinds of people idle gossiping that it’s suspicious that the widow’s young son looks a bit like her landlord (Lawrence), he also kind of knocks Lawrence off of his horse. Finally, Mrs. Graham tells him she just can’t be with him, and she gives him her diary to explain why.

And oh boy does it explain things. So her prior husband was just... the biggest shit. He was a heel. A cad. An absolute self-centered fuckboy. She had known he didn’t run with a good crowd before marriage, but she was hopeful she could be a good influence. But this asshole and his shitty friends just appear to delight in vice. He goes off for months at a time--which eventually becomes something of a mercy--just living it up with his bachelor friends, and then he finally comes home sick as a dog for her to nurse back to health. He’s not really physically abusive: he beats his dogs and once threw a book at the dog that also hit Helen (which pleased him), but mostly it’s emotional, verbal, and economic abuse. He actually calls her a slut at one point. I couldn’t fucking believe my eyes--this book was written in the mid-1800s, and this is a good Christian woman being called a slut by her own husband, in her own home, because he didn’t like being told to stop drinking like a fish. Like, I don’t doubt people were just as shitty back then, but I’ve never read a book from the time that is so explicit about it. He ends up having an affair, and when she literally catches him in the act (IN THEIR OWN HOME), he just acts petulant and just whines that she wants to separate (he refuses, and is pissy she’s like “well, we’re going to live as strangers in this house, then”). The husband’s little side-piece emotionally blackmails her into not telling the other wronged spouse (who is a good dude), because the truth would devastate him. The husband’s “friends” are also all pieces of shit. They all get together, pour liquor down the young son’s throat, and teach him to disrespect his mother. Another of her husband’s “friends” keeps trying to get under her skirts, no matter how many times she rebuffs him, reasoning that he can “save” her from her marriage and that since her husband’s cheating on her, she might as well. One time he physically won’t let her go, and when all the other men convene on the scene, her husband starts calling her vile names and insinuating that she’s the adulterer in their relationship. She has to rely on the shitty “friend” to admit she’s never given in to his advances. At a certain point, Helen feels like she’s just fucking had enough, and she starts painting like crazy to sell off enough that she can make an escape with her boy. Of course her husband finds out, steals all her money, and basically laughs at her. God he made my blood boil. I wish every fucker who claims to want to go back to the “good old days” when women were financially dependent on their husbands, didn’t divorce, and lived “good Christian lives” could read this book and see just how fucking few resources women used to have when they were trapped with monsters.

Spoilers for the rest of the book because I want to talk in some detail: So, essentially, the husband wasn’t actually dead this whole time. Surprise, surprise. The breaking point came when the shitlord hired a “governess” to look after the kid, over Helen’s objections. When she finally had proof she was there to be the husband’s mistress, Helen has just had it. She escapes with her little boy and takes refuge with her brother, Lawrence (which is why her little boy looks a little like him and why they had such a close relationship that created all that gossip). Shortly after Helen gives Gilbert her diary, she makes him promise not to see her again so as not to tempt her to break her vows. However, he is allowed to write to her in another 6 months. He’s devastated, but agrees. Then she leaves suddenly because her shitty husband has taken extremely ill. Gilbert reads about her nursing the shithead husband through letters she sends to Lawrence. Eventually, luckily, he does actually die. Gilbert’s in something of a bind, though: he doesn’t want to write to her immediately, both because the six months aren’t quite up and because he doesn’t want to be a vulture. But then she goes back to live with her aunt, and he doesn’t have the address and is too nervous to ask her brother for it (recall he kind of knocked Lawrence off his horse, and he gets the impression Lawrence wouldn’t really favor the match--also, okay,this is hilarious: at one point when he’s at Lawrence’s sickbed pining after Helen he’s like, “Lawrence’s slender white fingers are so much like hers!”--like, omg, Gilbert, no, it’s no wonder Lawrence isn’t your biggest fan). Because Helen doesn’t write to him, he kind of assumes she’s uninterested. But when he hears gossip she might be getting married to the shitty “friend” who kept harassing her when she was married, he pretty much drops everything to rush over and basically do a church-house confession of love. Luckily, it wasn’t actually her getting married. But he’s kind of like, “well, hell, I might as well track her down, then.” So after checking at her late husband’s house--learning both her aunt’s address and that she inherited her husband’s whole estate--he sets off to find her. When he’s nearly to his destination, the other passengers tell him, “oh, by the way, all these lands we’re passing through belong to some widow lady, whose uncle also died.” By the time he gets to her aunt’s house--now technically Helen’s house by her uncle’s will--he’s like “oh no wonder she didn’t write, she is SO out of my league and rich, now, I’d just be a bother” and he almost turns right back around, except he’s spotted and invited in. Their reunion is kind of adorable. Like, she ends up plucking this winter rose and saying, “it’s a little battered by the elements, but you can have it,” and he’s kind of hesitating when trying to think of the best thing to say. So she throws it out the window, like “okay, fine, but just so you know, that was kind of a metaphor for my life,” and he’s like, “NO, I UNDERSTOOD THAT, WAIT” and literally jumps out the window after it. So they work things out, and set a date, and Gilbert of course loves her little boy like he was his own, and I guess they live happily ever after. Spoilers end.

So, why was this such a good book? Well, of course it was well-written, but I think also it’s mostly because it was so unflinching. It was an emotional journey, reading about Helen’s life ambitions being slowly ground down, only to find some hope afterwards. It’s a bit preachy at times, since Helen basically only had her religion to sustain her over a number of traumatic years. But it’s also got some fairly progressive ideas about gender equality and the dangers of letting men have so much control over their wives and children. Gilbert’s chapters provided some much-needed levity to a fairly serious topic. Helen’s quite level-headed, so it was amusing as hell when you get to Gilbert and he’s throwing himself over hedges and bounding over hills and taking off on wild carriage rides. He also tells people off when they’re just being gossips and busybodies. His first impression of Helen is that he thinks she thinks he’s like an impudent puppy--and like, is she wrong?

Ultimately, I loved this book. If you have the time, I highly recommend it.

[imitationcrabmeat]

Oh shit! Well it's better not to dwell on things you can't change. I'd say focus on yourself, get help, work on a new project, take yourself out of your comfort zone, goals etc.

Focus on things that matter. Don't victimize yourself, just accept the feelings and change yourself.

Sounds like you miss the idea of this person and how they made you feel about yourself. But how do you feel about yourself?

Don't mean to be preachy. I saw your page and noticed the sad posts and just wanted to ask. Take care dude.

I agree! And believe me, I’ve been trying. I’ve made changes to my routine, focusing on work and rock climbing mostly, and spending a lot more time sober. I stepped away from social media (tumblr notwithstanding, but I don’t really know anyone on here anymore so it’s different?). I try to see my friends when I have the energy. I still have to find someone to talk to but in the meantime I’ve been writing, and also, for better or worse, using this blog as an echo chamber for stray emotions that I didn’t expect anyone to actually read.

At best, I still enjoy myself when I’m occupied or with friends. At worst, I can distract myself or put on a face for people, but I start to cry when they aren’t looking. But any moment I have to myself I have these intrusive thoughts. And this was never much of an issue for me before, but I have a very hard time sleeping now and that just exacerbates everything.

I don’t want to victimize myself, but I've done things that I find hard to forgive myself for. I thought I was a better person than that. My behavior has left me with devastating consequences and realizations, and it’s hard to not be disgusted with myself. I’ve been selfishly living in my own pain, which I fucking hate and wish I could break free from. That said, I’m using my experience as a guide for how to improve, though the problem is that it comes at the cost of having caused pain to someone I deeply care for. I’m never gonna stop working on myself and I’ll get better over time, but it doesn’t erase things that have happened. But I suppose worrying about the past is neither here nor there, and I just have to accept that too and look forward, and hope the future is better for us both.

I do miss her. To my core. I really thought that no matter what happened, we would be friends for a long, long time. She felt like she could’ve been a best friend that I somehow never met for most of my life, someone that if we had met much earlier, we’d still be tight by now, and always would be. 

The last time she and I talked was awful and I was too overwhelmed and chicken shit to find words and express myself, that I basically turned off and ‘ran away’ like a coward. The culmination of me handling everything so poorly.

but I don’t just miss her only because of how she made me feel about myself. sure, the time we spent together filled me to the brim with happiness, and I’d like to think that went both ways for a while. But I didn’t rely on her to be my source of happiness. Although, us meeting, and getting to know each other in the way we did. it was something very special to me that I find hard to describe, or shake. It was mutual.. It was lightning in a bottle and now it’s gone. 

She’s an inspiring human being, not just to me, but to everyone around her, which I could see in the way she treated others and how it reflected back on her. She’s probably the strongest person I’ve ever known, intellectually and emotionally intelligent, into cool shit that I don’t even get, fucking hilarious, uniquely gorgeous with eyes you’d get lost in and a smile that could melt an icecap. Her contagious laugh and silly noises. Her sappy, sweet heart. All while exuding a decidedly mature, yet enchantingly childlike [in the best way] aura. The kind of person that you’d want.. everyone to be. The kind of people that she should surround herself with.

I still have a lot of things that I like about myself, and now I have a few more things that I don’t like about myself. but other than that I’m just surprised I still feel the way I do after all this time. And maybe it hasn’t really been that long in the grand scheme, but it sure feels like it.

I’m going to struggle with this for.. maybe a long time. it’s hard to love myself at the moment, but I will, and I’ll be fine. These feelings are temporary and things will work out one way or another. And while I am upset with myself right now, I find solace in the dream that she’s in a better place. I pray she’s happy, whatever she’s doing, and wherever life takes her, and that the weight she’s carried gets easier to shoulder. I’d love to ask her how she is, but for her sake I imagine it’s best that I don’t.

And it’s okay, I didn’t take it as preachy. Sorry for unloading, this response is probably far longer than you [and I] thought it would be. But thank you, really. It means a lot that you cared when you didn’t have to. I appreciate your words and concern, and I’ll take your advice to heart. Maybe in another time and place we’d be friends.. But you take care, too. Happy Thanksgiving, stranger. And goodnight.  🌛 🌛 🌛