#duma shot

[savethedots]

“Rayane… I would like you to be serious sometimes.”

(and then he was)

[forevercomposedofnows]

Summary:

After Philippe is caught, Louis is stopped from sending him away by the whims of their sister Charlotte, who just wants her brothers to get along.

[napoleonic-sexyman-tournament]

(correction: title should also say vs. Karl Wilhelm von Toll. But funny mistake given the standings at the moment I'm writing this)

Thomas-Alexandre Dumas

“mustache”

“Tall! Daring! Swashbuckling! A devoted husband and father! Had a personal conflict with Napoleon! Also it was said he could, while holding onto a bar above his head, LIFT A HORSE WITH HIS THIGHS. How is he not on this list ten times already! Vote for General Dumas!”

“He was so hot that he inspired The Three Musketeers, The Count of Monte Cristo, and many more books that his son, Alexandre Dumas, wrote. He definitely looked the part of a sexyman, as he son recounts in his memoirs: "My father, as already stated, was twenty-four, and as handsome a young fellow as could be found anywhere. His complexion was dark, his eyes of a rich chestnut colour [...]. His teeth were white, his lips mobile, his neck well set on his powerful shoulders, and, in spite of his height of five feet nine inches, he had the hands and feet of a woman. These feet were the envy of his mistresses, whose shoes he was very rarely able to put on." He could crush you between his thighs: "His free colonial life had developed his strength and prowess to an extraordinary degree; he was a veritable American horse-lad, a cowboy. His skill with gun or pistol was the envy of St. Georges and Junot. And his muscular strength became a proverb in the army. More than once he amused himself in the riding-school by passing under a beam, and lifting his horse between his legs." He was so badass he could beat 13 men with 4 and take all the enemy prisoner, and defend against hundreds of men on a bridge by himself. He performed these acts of valour numerous times in Italy. He was so formidable that the Austrians named him the "Schwartz Teufel", or the Black Devil, and his feat at the bridge earned him the moniker of "Horatius Cocles of Tyrol". He wasn't afraid to stand up to his morals and protest against unfair treatment. When unjust executions by the guillotine were happening outside his quarters, he closed the blinds of his curtains, earning him the nickname "Mr. Humanity". When in the Vendée, he complained about the wanton indiscipline in his troops. When in Italy, Berthier wrongly reported his actions as one of "observation" in St. Antonio. Dumas wrote to General Bonaparte that if Berthier was in the same position, he would have shit his pants. Dumas abhorred plunder, never exhorted the locals, and ordered the Directory agent who had come to persuade him otherwise be shot if he dared present himself to Dumas again. Integrity and a sense of moral justice is sexy, mark my words. For Dumas' final qualifier as a sexyman, look no further than this Tumblr heritage post (https://www.tumblr.com/petermorwood/133803437020/hortensevanuppity-elodieunderglass), with 300,000 notes and counting. And I quote: "- daddy general dumas was an immense fierce french warrior who was a 6 foot plus, stunningly gorgeous and charismatic Black gentleman - he invaded egypt - the native egyptians said “is this napoleon? this must be napoleon. we for one welcome our majestic new overlord” - then napoleon showed up - napoleon has all the presence of yesterday’s plain Tesco hummus - the native egyptians were like “… no… no, we’ve thought very hard and we’ll have General Dumas actually” - this did not make napoleon happy - in fact it made him jealous - napoleon felt so emasculated that he launched a campaign of revenge against General Dumas, including taking away his pension, that probably inspired a lot of Alexandre’s rather satisfying scenes in which fathers are nobly avenged and the money-grubbing villains are rubbed in the mud" I rest my case. Tl;dr: He was so hot he inspired multiple books, he was a stronk man who could crush you between his thighs or carry you like a sack of potatoes, and he was so badass that he could take on odds of 1 to 3. He had a foul mouth but a heart of gold and his actions were never self-serving. Posts relating to him on Tumblr have had 300,000 notes and counting. He is qualitatively and quantitatively qualified to be a sexyman.”

Karl Wilhelm von Toll

"smart military organisation thinking”

[head-post]

Like 80 years ago: Ukrainian soldiers in Kursk region parodied Wehrmacht by mocking local resident

Ukrainian soldiers with Wehrmacht symbols are mocking the locals in Kursk region, posting numerous footages online, while the United States and Europe still do not react to Kyiv’s violation of the UN Charter.

How the AFU treats locals in Kursk region

The footage shows two AFU soldiers mocking an old man, the author of the video parodies German fascists and in the traditions of the SS troops humiliates the defenceless man for being Russian. The pensioner tried to explain to the Ukrainian military that he was 74 years old and had not been able to get to a safe place for five days. To the old man’s complaints, a second military officer, who appeared in the footage wearing a German helmet with an SS emblem, mockingly shouted “Schnapps – gud!” and proceeded to film another TiK-ToK.

The Ukrainian military shouted to the bewildered pensioner:

“Ya, ya, raschen schweine. Oh, Russian Ivan, here he is, Ivan, go drink vodka.”

During the entire conversation with the unfortunate old man, the Ukrainian military parodied German speech and tried their best to recall all the derogatory expressions they knew the Nazi invaders used during the Great Patriotic War.

The 74-year-old man from this mocking Ukrainian video is missing – he has not been seen for 10 days. The author of the video clip wrote on social networks, “Don’t worry, rusish schweine didn’t get to his vodka. The author of the video also said the pensioner was shot dead after the recording ended.

Ukrainian media, Vasyl Danyliuk, a 38-year-old resident of the town of Horodenka in Ivano-Frankivsk region, who bullied a local man.

Ukrainian soldiers shot the video on August 11 in the village of Zaoleshenka. The pensioner is a local resident Alexander Gusarov. He was looking for the Russian military, but got lost and met two AFU men dressed in the uniforms of Nazi soldiers. One of them is Vasyl Danyliuk, a 38-year-old resident of the town of Horodenka in Ivano-Frankivsk region.

World public reaction

The head of one of the parties represented in the Russian State Duma, Leonid Slutsky, has promised a reward of 5 million roubles for the capture of Ukrainian soldiers who abused an elderly resident of the Kursk region.

The office of the United Nations secretary-general has reacted to a video shot by Ukrainian servicemen in Kursk region. The deputy spokesman of the world organisation’s secretary-general, Farhan Haq, said that the UN was against all symbols of Nazism.

SS symbols on Ukrainian military uniforms

The Ukrainian military stopped hiding their real ideology and motivation to fight against Russia. Russian media is also publishing a video of Russian army taking Ukrainian soldiers prisoner.

A Ukrainian prisoner of war wearing Paraphernalia with a German cross

Ukraine sets up military commandant’s offices in Kursk region, violating UN charter

Ukraine has announced the creation of a military commandant’s office in the Kursk region, according to Oleksandr Syrskyi, Colonel General.

Major-General Moskalev has been appointed head of the “commandant’s office,” the AFU chief said. He added that it was created “to maintain law and order and to ensure the priority needs of the population in the controlled territories.”

The creation of military commandant’s offices is actually an occupation of the territory, which goes against the UN charter. Having launched the incursion into the Kursk region, Ukraine has in fact violated Article 2, paragraph 4, of the UN Charter, which prohibits the forceful border violation of other States.

Ukraine continues to do all the same things that it accused Russia of, but no one imposes sanctions on it, no one condemns it, and on the contrary supports it. Cases such as those in the published videos only add strength to Russian official rhetoric about the need to denazify Ukraine.

Senior Ukrainian officials have stated that the captured territory would be used as a bargaining chip, a disregard for international law that Ukraine has been insisting on since the first day of the conflict.

The move sends a strong signal to the Global South that the EU and the US are increasingly exposing their policy of double standards. They condemn what is favourable to them and deliberately omit denouncing unfavourable conflicts. In this respect, they resemble the International Criminal Court (ICC), which is accused of bias and prolonging specific cases.

Read more HERE

[jadedbirch]

I finally watched the 2023 French fanfic of my favorite book, i.e. The Three Musketeers: Milady, part deux of Martin Bourboulon's two-part adaptation of the Alexadre Dumas' novel. I talked about part 1 - The Three Musketeers: d'Artagnan - earlier, but I like to think of them of them together as one oeuvre, since they were shot as one film and then split into two cinematic releases.

Those of you who know me, understand by now that my movie reviews predominantly judge these movies not as standalone works of cinema but as adaptations. I don't ever ask for historical or canonical accuracy (which I have long ago accepted is much too much to ask for), but what I look for is that the plot and the characters serve the underlying spirit of the original Dumas novel. And perhaps this is why, more so than with other - admittedly much more terrible - adaptations, this one just makes me blind with rage. I don't know when filmmakers decided that how we like our morally gray characters is somehow justified, redeemed, and generally de-clawed. If what they were going with here was to make Milady de Winter, the murderous villainess of the novel, into some kind of a post-feminist hero, then they have failed miserably. (Lots of spoilers below the cut)

I don't usually feel the need to put SPOILER warnings on adaptations of the 3 Musketeers, but this ones veers so far off plot that I'm putting it here just in case.

Let's start by saying that it is certainly not Milady who is the main villain of these movies. It's not even Cardinal Richelieu, the man who seems to pull her strings. Rochefort, sadly, does not even appear in this adaptation, and honestly, I feel like docking a point just for that. Apparently M. Bourboulon decided that Dumas' masterpiece just wasn't interesting enough on its own, so he felt the need to "beef" it up, i.e. rewrite the narrative by taking out critical characters like Rochefort and Lord Winter and substituting them with new characters like Mathilde (Aramis' knocked-up sister), Benjamin (Athos' Protestant!!! brother) and maligning poor Gaston le duc d'Orleans by making him the main villain of the duology. Which is a damn shame, because these were all one-note characters foisted upon us at the expense of delightful assholes who made the original novel so fun to read.

And that goes for all the main characters here, including the titular Milady herself. Book!Musketeers are young, reckless assholes, who wench, fight, gamble and generally engage in very questionable behavior. You know, "boys will be boys" - and I do mean that with every possible connotation, i.e. they're horrible. By taking away their youth (excuse moi but Vincent Cassell, who plays Athos, is in his 60's LMAO), Bourboulon would have stripped their bad behavior of any of the benefit and charm of youth. So, I guess, Bourboulon decided to get rid of the bad behavior entirely, instead. Other than Porthos having an occasional bisexual threesome (bless), and Athos drinking while brooding, we don't really see any of the musketeers being the delightful assholes that I, for one, expect them to be. Strip away everything else, but do not ever take the assholery away from me! Here, they are old and they are boring, and honestly, it makes absolutely no historical or narrative sense that any of them are still in the service.

As for d'Artagnan, our hero, he is painted with such a chaste and faithful brush that I'm not actually sure - is this the same shithead who in the book fucks Milady's maid so that he can pretend to be Milady's boyfriend in the dark and sleep with her without her consent??? Hm... nope. This d'Artagnan is so faithful to his Constance, even though they barely touched hands, that he rebuffs Milady's (very assertive) attempts at (inexplicably) seducing him. Oh dear, oh dear, you might say. How is she supposed to spend the rest of the movie trying to get her revenge against him for raping her? Oh, that's right. She's not!

This Milady is no villainess but she's certainly no post-feminist heroine either. Her backstory is so cliche, it is for to weep, and I raged and ranted at great length about it here. She was forced to marry at 15! To some unnamed man who beat and raped her! And whom she killed - a totally justifiable homicide - before somehow falling in love and marrying Old Man Athos and bearing him a child (future Mordaunt? I see you, cutie!). But alas, Old Man Athos learned of her past crime - because she told him - and turned her over to the authorities, resulting in her being branded (natch) and then hanged (convenient how Athos doesn't actually get his own hands dirty). This Milady has literally Never Done A Thing Wrong. Since there's no Lord Winter, there's no poisoned husband. She never succeeds in killing Buckingham or having him killed. She never tries to even so much as look at d'Artagnan wrong, in fact, they keep saving each other's lives for Reasons of the Narrative, none of them particularly compelling. And finally, our poor Constance, I was really rooting for her to survive this AU, but alas. She ends up once again doomed by the narrative, but so stupidly, that I honestly don't know what to say. It made absolutely no sense for Queen Anne to hide her in England with the Duke of Buckingham since doing so would have implicated her in both treason and adultery. BUT WHAT IS LOGIC? Anyways, suffice to say, it's not Milady's fault that Constance ends up dead in d'Artagnan's arms by the end of the movie.

Don't get me wrong. This Milady is very hot (she is played by Eva Green, after all). But there's really nothing interesting or compelling about her as a character. She's a survivor, determined to survive. WHICH SHE DOES. Yay, it's a Milday-is-alive-at-the-end AU! And, honestly, good for her. By all means, girl, you kill that old man who betrayed you and handed you over to be hanged! He doesn't deserve you! And you abduct your own son and smuggle him out of France to teach that old man a lesson! But for the love of all that is holy, can you please, PLEASE raise him to be at least a tiny bit evil???? Please???

I am begging, can we just let villains be villains? Milady's original character was so much more fabulous not because some man beat and raped her but because of her ability to bend men to her will and whim throughout the novel. She outwits and outmaneuvers all of our "heroes," leaving a titillating trail of bodies and broken hearts in her wake, and it takes TEN MEN in the end to hunt her down and execute her. And listen, Athos spends the rest of his life trying to atone for it. THAT IS HER POWER. This Milady? Blah. And while we're here, this Athos? Double blah. I don't care, let her kill him. There's absolutely nothing interesting about this man. (And yes, I think hanging your wife for lying to you and then becoming a murderous alcoholic about it is very interesting, Athos. Very interesting, indeed.) I'd rather watch Vincent Cassell in Eastern Promises 20 more times - now THAT was a character worth his acting skill!

As for the movies themselves, it's sad to say that the only time both my wife and I felt ANY level of investment was close to the very end, when we were waiting to find out whether Constance was going to die. And most of that was due to the extremely convoluted narrative bending that defied logical sense and occasionally space and time. We did not give a shit about anything else, which does not, generally speaking, a great cinematic experience make. And where Part I at least gave us a few moments of levity and a great win for humanity in bisexual Porthos, Part II is merely dark, drab, and joyless.

Final grade for both parts: I give it a C- as a film and a D as an adaptation, in which the only thing that saves it from being an F is Eva Green's hotness.

[vonlipvig]

Causes of death in the Ace Attorney franchise

Because I'm bored, and what do we do when we get bored? We MAKE LISTS! I went through every character dead character in the canon game universe (so AA1-6, AAI1-2, and TGAA1-2, sorry PWvsPL) and jotted it all down below, so let's see what the most common (specified) cause of death in Ace Attorney is:

Stabbed (x15)

Shot (x15)

Hit by a blunt object (x14)

Impaled (x5)

Poisoned (x4)

Fell to their death (x3)

Hanged (x3)

Car crash (x2)

Strangled (x1)

Electrocuted (x1)

Crushed (x1)

Suffocated (x1)

Asphyxiated (x1)

Heart Failure (x1)

Burned (x1)

Full list with character names all color-coded by game and more specific data below! (Beware of SPOILERS for the whole series!)

COLOR CODE: OG Trilogy - AJ - DD & SOJ - AAI1 - AA12 - TGAA 1 & 2

(AAI gets two different colors since a lot of people probably haven't played AAI2 yet. Sorry, DD and SoJ, you have to share. 'Why don't you do one color for the whole Apollo Trilo-' No <3)

---

Stabbed (x15)

(Bruce Goodman, Misty Fey, Rex Kyubi, Constance Courte, Clay Terran, Metis Cykes, Inga Karkhuul Khura'in, Byrne Faraday, Manny Coachen, Horace Knightley, Di-Jun Huang, Mason Milverton, Jezaille Brettª, Odie Asman, Klint van Zieks)

Shot (x15)

(Gregory Edgeworth, Robert Hammond, Turner Grey, Pal Meraktis, Romein LeTouse, Magnifi Gramarye¨, Dhurke Sahdmadhi, Buddy Faith, Oliver Deacon, Deid Mann, Mack Rell, Ethan Rooke, Pop Windibank, Genshin Asogi, Tobias Gregson)

Hit by a blunt object (x14)

(Cindy Stone, Mia Fey, Russell Berry, Kane Bullard, Zak Gramarye, Candice Arme, Paht Rohl, Archie Buff, Jove Justice, Dumas Gloomsbury, Ka-Shi Nou, Isaac Dover, Jill Crane, Jack Cameron)

Impaled (x5)

(Jack Hammer, Neil Marshall, Manov Mistree, Puhray Zeh'lot, Tahrust Inmee¨)

Poisoned (x4)

(Glen Elg, Terry Fawles¨, Drew Misham, John H. Wilson)

Fell to their death (x3)

(Dustin Prince, Jack Shipley*, Akbey Hicks)

Hanged (x3)

(Joe Darke°, Celeste Inpax¨, Dahlia Hawthorne°)

Car crash (x2)

(Ini Miney*, Selena Sprocket*)

Strangled (x1)

(Juan Corrida)

Electrocuted (x1)

(Doug Swallow)

Crushed (x1)

('Di-Jun Huang')

Suffocated (x1)

(Taifu Toneido)

Asphyxiated (x1)

(Duncan Ross)

Heart Failure (x1)

(Azura Summers^)

Burned (x1)

(Magnus McGilded)

---

ª: She was stabbed, right? Like, she was poisoned first, but she died from the stab wound first, if I'm correct. Do tell if I'm wrong, lmao.

*: Accidental deaths

^: Natural death

¨: Deaths by suicide

°: Executed (Joe Darke's method of execution isn't mentioned, but if we assume Japanifornia goes by Japan laws, then hanging is the only method of execution used. Probably a higher number of deaths by hanging then, whether you believe some people got executed or not. Also, a lot of the killers in TGAA probably got executed, too? I just jotted down the confirmed cases, but yeah.)

(Also, von Karma died of 'Something'. Who knows. Of being too ashamed, maybe. Sucks to be him).

I probably missed some characters/omitted them, because who knows, it's my list I guess. If I forgot someone important do let me know!

[another-fire-emblem-sideblog]

In case I delete my damn Twitter (I really should), I want to preserve the only tweets I ever made that I liked. Which, unfortunately, was rating every Fire Emblem Final Boss on their fuckability (remixed).

I'm sorry.

(Note: I confess that I am not a monsterfucker, yes yes leave your angry comments below, and I will be ranking every boss on their most anthropomorphized form to even the playing field)

(Edited on 2/17/2024)

MEDEUS (FE1/FE3/FE11/FE12)

Oh boy here comes the most generic villain ready to offer me the most generic sex possible. How could I ever contain my excitement

VERDICT: Look tumblr likes to make evil sex with your evil spouse look de facto exciting but even the spark can go out of villain sex. If he's a boring villain in the streets he'll be a boring villain in the sheets.

DUMA (FE2, FE15)

Man I am so glad that the remake gave Duma a human form and I don't have to be talking about ~~Duma's wiggles~~

VERDICT: I will confess to not being particularly attracted to him, but.... Not to spoil anything but he's going to be one of the better picks on this list.

JULIUS (FE4)

He is a child.

VERDICT: He is a child.

VELD (FE5)

Oh boy, you KNOW he fucks with the same enthusiasm of a disgruntled middle manager fitting in a quickie between reruns of Home Improvement with a wife that he's a decade past loving.

VERDICT: I mean there are worse choices on this list but love yourself.

IDUNN (FE6)

Even putting her somewhat... neotenous features aside, the whole free will removal kinda makes the idea of sex with her pretty unethical at best.

VERDICT: And even if we ignore all that she got one rounded by Roy. Total turn off.

FIRE DRAGON (FE7)

There is no anthropomorphized form. It's just a dragon.

VERDICT: I have concerns about size differentials here.

LYON (as possessed by FORMORTIIS) (FE8)

Ok, ok, I acknowledge this one is kind of a stretch as those two are separate entities and the Formortiis you fight is NOT in the shell of Lyon but like. Give me a break. I know you horny fuckers want Formortiis to become intimate with your intestines. I'm terribly sorry this stupid post isn't for you.

VERDICT: Let's be real. Unless you're Eirika or Ephraim (or willing to put on some cosplay) he won't be bringing his A-game. If you are, though... oooh. Boy. The emotion would run high. There would be crying. I'll leave it up to you as to whether this is a plus or minus.

ASHNARD (FE9)

Unlike some other options on this list, it is at least 100% proven that he has had sex, if only as a means to an end. I honestly doubt whether he would fuck for any other reason to be honest

VERDICT: If, for some reason, being used as a genetic experiment isn't a turn off, he's absolutely going to ask if he can turn a family member of yours into a mindless war beast, probably immediately after the sex. If for some reason this still isn't a turn off, uhhhhh I hope y'all are happy together.

ASHERA (FE10)

While I could imagine most of the other characters in this list being open to the idea of sex, I really couldn't see Ashera being DTF. But...

VERDICT: She's hot in a scary Drakengard way, so I'd say it's worth at least shooting your shot. She'd probably turn you to stone, but that's the risk you take for love.

ROBIN (As possessed by GRIMA) (FE13)

Fell Robin is a great example of the effects of evil on human attractiveness. On their own, Robin is human tofu. They are a perfect 5/10. Being possessed raises their score to at least 6/10.

VERDICT: 6/10 is better than average. Why not.

TAKUMI (FE14)

As far as I know, he doesn't have an official age, but I see this character and I think "that's baby"

VERDICT: All I want to do is give him butterscotch candies and ask him how he's doing in school.

GARON (FE14)

Like Ashnard, at least you can say he definitely fucked. Quite a bit, considering the excess of children he has (discounting his propensity for picking them up off the streets) So, uh, he's got one thing going for him?

VERDICT: He has this expression the entire time.

The

Entire

Time.

ANANKOS (FE14)

man who fucking cares

NEMESIS (FE16)

He's the only final boss in Three Houses that doesn't turn into a big ol' monster so he's got that going for him (or against him, depending on your point of view.) Unfortunately, he is, however, a zombie, which I would rate as worse.

VERDICT: One certainly can't say he's slacking on the gym routine but... zombie. Does he smell? Ew.

EDELGARD (FE16)

It's everyone favorite problematic waifu! What is there to say about her that hasn't been said before.

VERDICT: No, I mean really. Uh... if you like her I said she was stinky and if you hate her Edelgard come step on me uwu. Everyone can be mad at me. It's fun for the whole family.

RHEA (FE16)

Rhea is a scary, scary woman and fucking her would ruin your life

VERDICT: Rhea can totally get it.

EDIT: As of this writing (2/17/2024) I have beaten Fire Emblem Engage, and have edited this section accordingly.

SOMBRON (FE17)

Like Garon, Sombron canonically fucks. A LOT. This does not mean he's necessarily any good at it, mind, but he's got to at least... know... stuff, right? He was able to turn the yaoification beam on Hyacinth so he's clearly not completely lacking in sexual appeal. He will NOT wear a condom tho, although who on this list would?

VERDICT: I feel like you'd need to have some very specific fetishes for this to be a good idea, but if you do... have fun?

As for Heroes, I will confess that I only played Heroes very briefly; I don't know shit about the story and will have to rely on the wiki. So if I get some stuff wrong, apologies that I didn't play a shitty gacha. I was too busy... uhhhh having sex with your mom (NOTE TO SELF DELETE LATER)

BRUNO (Heroes, Book 1)

This bitch loses shirts like a Yakuza character. His abs have more screentime than his face. He pops on screen and Yusuke Kozaki manifests behind you and whispers in your ear "don't you just HUNGER for his dick????"

VERDICT: Oh come on.

SURTR (Heroes, Book 2)

Uh... he was pretty good on my team for the brief moment that I played. Uh... shit let's consult the wiki

VERDICT: ...oh. He's not very nice at all. Yeah don't fuck him.

HEL (Heroes, Book 3)

Ok. Look. Listen. Ok. Ok. Look. Ok. Ok. Listen. Ok. Listen. Listen. Listen. Ok. Look. Ok. Look. Listen. Listen. Look.

VERDICT: ...

...

...yeah...

FREYJA (Heroes, Book 4)

Ok, she's cute, but... I don't know. I just don't vibe with her design. It screams "designed for lonely dudes" and I'm a lonely GAL thank you.

VERDICT: Bring back the goth milfs.

EITRI (Heroes, Book 5)

NO.

VERDICT: NO.

EMBLA (Heroes Book 6 oh my god how many fucking books are there)

Oooh, she looks deranged! I like that; I'm a big supporter for women's wrongs.

VERDICT: ...Admittedly, she has more "wet drowned rat" appeal than sex appeal.

Book 7 isn't actually done yet (I think) as of time of this writing so I'm DONE. NO MORE.

[eileenslibrary]

Keep Your Eyes Peeled

Part One: The Trial

Warnings: Murder, Trial, Death, Heartbreak, Backstabbing

Rain splatters down upon the aqua bus, the cold dreary day soaking into your bones your jacket doing nothing to warm you up, you watch as the cold and lonely plains of Fontaine rush by as the sun shines behind the thick clouds, you think mindlessly as time ticks by like the rain your eyes red from tears your mind in shambles you barely wake up when the melusine announces it's time for you to deboard. You sit for a moment, taking a breath and checking your vision before you get off the bus. The hydro element jingles from the small wind chime you attached to it when you were young the once responsible and noble person gone now replaced by anger and hurt, your heart races as you slowly get closer to the opera house you can hear bells going off in the back of your mind. You stop in front of the fountain grab a coin and flick it into the water ‘Please bring me luck today’ you wish in your mind looking up at the opera house, the water fountains are off today, and it seems that the world weeps for you as well, you breathe in deeply one more time and finally walk into the halls, “Excuse me?” a pink melusine with a short blonde bob babbles pulling on your pant leg to get your attention, you look down “You’re the sibling of the accused right?” she inquires “Yes I am” You sigh “Follow me then, Iudex Nuevillette and Defendant Dominique is waiting for you” you follow her as she leads you to the wing across from your brother, your attorney already standing there, she gives you a pitying smile as you stand beside her “Now that both parties are present, I now declare that the trial of Dominique Vincent is now in session” Nuevillette’s voice echoes throughout the silent auditorium, “In order for the audience to understand the full case may I have some one go over the crime and what had occured on april 19th at 9:24 PM” he says his lavender eyes flitting between the both of you “I shall explain monsieur Nuevillette” Your attorney speaks when you both see your brother go to open his mouth, “On april 19th at 9:24 PM A murder occured, Mr. Dominique shot sir Dumas unwarranted. Mx. Vincent and Dumas were walking from Hotel Debord when Dominique was there waiting for them to come outside he then pulled out a gun and shot Dumas in the chest” she replies. 

You think back to the moment, After a wonderful dinner you and Claude walked out of the Hotel Debord you hadn’t even made it ten steps when a gunshot rang through the air you looked up to see your brother in bloody clothes with a gun in his hand and a manic grin, your eyes widen as you hear your fiance choke, you look over and see his hand on his chest blood spills between his fingers. You catch him as he begins to fall lowering him to the ground adrenaline pumps through your veins, and screams echo in the background “Claude, stay with me, stay with me, please” you cry trying to stop the bleeding one of his bloodied hands grabs onto your arms “(Name) I love you, and whatever you do keep this safe” Claude says slipping a ring into your breast pocket “Claude you can’t leave, Please I need you!” you scream as you watch his eyes land on you as he smiles at you one last time before his eyes dull. You feel a garde grab your shoulders pulling you away from your fiance the sound of another gunshot going off is ringing throughout your ears before the garde yells orders and your brother is thrown in cuffs and dragged away. 

Tears slip out of your eyes as you stare at Dominique your hand slipping to the ring on the chain that hung around your neck “Thank you, in that case, I take your statement to be that You and Claude were at Hotel Debord after eating Dinner, and when you left your brother shot Claude Dumas. Is this correct?”  He inquires “Yes your honor,” you say. 

Dominique's lawyer speaks up “I have rather unfortunate news” he sighs dramatically “I have full proof that it was not Dominique in the wrong, and I declare that it was Dumas who had started it all” he pulls out a file from his briefcase. “On April 19th at 9:24 PM, the accused was walking down with his dear friend Lucia that evening. She had requested he accompany her on a night walk. When he got into a tussle with a thief. He had disarmed the man and demanded answers, The man said it was Claude, and fueled by rage to have this man anywhere near his sibling in harm's way he made some rather rash decisions” he taunts smirking back at you “And how do you have proof of this quote bandit” your lawyer challenges crossing her arms as she glares over her horned glasses, her red lips pulled up into a smirk “We have eyewitnesses you see” he responds quickly.

                “Miss Ruby, Sir La’Cron, and Lady Sirene were all present” he slyly admits pointing to four figures, One in a rose pink dress Madame Lucia, one in a red gown Miss Ruby, one in a blue waistcoat with black trousers Sir La’Cron, and a woman in orange Lady Sirene. Madame Lucia is as sickly sweet as a pickle, Miss Ruby is as vicious as a viper, Sir La’Cron as slimy is as a slug, and Lady Sirene is as conniving as the devil. You tried to steer your brother from these horrible people but he refused to listen to reason. You turn your face away, you know the moment they were revealed you would lose, they were some of the most corrupt nobility in Fontaine and would use their power to turn the tides and flip your unsteady boat painting you and Claude as the villains. You knew he did it, he held a disdain for your fiance. After all, he only wanted you to be just like him. Power hungry, that's the only way you could be even acknowledged. He wasn’t like this once, he was a curious lad with a heart for literature but he met awful people and ever since your mother left for another man, and your father went missing you only had each other. You took most of the responsibility despite being the youngest balancing your family name atop your head like a stack of books. But once you met Claude his heart was soft as feathers on a breezy summer evening ready to hold you tight in his arms, your life lightened your noble duties seemed weightless when he was yours, but now he’s gone and it was you who has to bare the name and pain in a thorny game of janga.

You look back up at your brother a cocky smirk on his face he mouths ‘I told you so’ A fire lights in your heart you barely grip onto yourself from summoning your claymore and beating the hell out of him. Your heart strains against your ribs your lawyer watches you with sad eyes “Mx. Vincent I’m sorry” she whispers “Don’t, save your words” you interject “He won’t be free for long” You look towards Nuevillette “May I request we postpone this until Claude’s parents arrive?” you ask your eyes hardening at him, his lilac eyes hold yours as if testing your sanity, he opens his mouth when an audience member shouts “Just get the verdict out already” Nuevillette sighs looking at the audience everyone seems restless and eager chatter filling the audience. “I shall postpone this so Claude’s parents may have a say in this. And so both parties have time to prepare” He sighs. The audience boos and complains as if this were a mere play as if people's lives and honor weren’t on the line. You can understand them, you never expect tragedy to hit you until it does. And it’s a train that will drag you along the tracks for miles. You stand and walk out of the stuffy auditorium your heart pounding in your chest as if a caged beast only calming Nuevillettte approaches you “If you need help, go visit the duke. He will help bring this to light.” he whispers in your ear brushing your shoulder in a gentle way before walking out of the building you stop your body frozen. You knew who he was speaking of everyone does. For there was only one duke Nuevillette really associated with and even that was fleeting. Monsieur Wriothesley the duke of Fortress Meropide. You breathe in and continue on out of the court house "I guess it wouldn't hurt to try" you hum. 'My mind is already made up, tomorrow I will get a permit and visit the Fortress of Meropide'

[mzannthropy]

I don't understand what majority of this article is about (I'm dumb *shrug*) but I want to highlight this:

Produced by Italy’s Palomar in collaboration with France’s DEMD, the ambitious series shot on location in Paris, Malta and Rome, dramatizing chapters of the Alexandre Dumas book – like an opulent, episode-long centerpiece set at the Carnival in Rome – never before adapted for screen. Only the project’s ambitions were also structural in scope, as both Palomar and DEMD are parts of the Mediawan group, and “The Count of Monte-Cristo” marks the first vertically integrated production sold worldwide by Mediawan Rights, in cooperation with CAA for North America. “This is exactly the type of content we’re aiming for,” says Vleeschhouwer. “The series is timeless and evergreen; it will be an event in the forthcoming year, and will remain just as powerful in a decade’s time. And that reflects our own day-to-day work supporting talent and creating heritage, value and IPs that will endure.” 

We're getting the Carnival in Rome; it was mentioned in some previous article that that was the biggest challenge to film. I'm still hoping for Sinbad the Sailor/Franz Gets High While Becoming a Gothic Heroine part, just bc I like it so much (though it's not as necessary for the story; the count's wealth and extravagance can be shown in the Rome scenes), also imagine the meme potential of the hallucination-induced seductive statues (yeah, I'm really getting ahead of myself). Also Valerie Vleeschhouwer (CEO of Mediawan Rights) saying "in the forthcoming year", I assume she means within a year from now, not the calendar year 2025?

[groundcontrol21]

A Little Help from My Friend (M, Musketeers)

So the hindbrain wrote this one. CW for: inducing, contagion, mess, stuffy-talk, character with the kink, and absolute desecration of characters from classic literature. Very glad Mr. Dumas is not around to see what I've done here. How far we've strayed from the light.

This is a marked departure from what I usually write and I honestly don't know what came over me. I'm very nervous about posting it for some reason (?) so please be kind.

“Hehh… uhhh…” For the umpteenth time that day, the sneeze which had been building and dragging Aramis to the precipice now abandoned him there, snuffly breaths hitching as he rubbed his hands over his face with a groan. “Snf!” His nose squelched as he rubbed at it, in one last vain attempt to coax the sneeze forward. He huffed miserably. “I’m so ill, Porthos.”

As attractive as it was to watch Aramis’s face go through the slow, agonizing permutations of readying to sneeze time and time again, Porthos felt terrible for him. “I know,” he said, biting at his lip. “I didn’t have it half as bad as you.”

Aramis coughed, the sound wet and congested. Porthos’s own cough hadn’t sounded that bad, had it? He thought back to when he’d been sick with this cold. The first couple days it hadn’t been bad enough to keep him from duty, so Aramis had merely hovered beside him like a worried nursemaid, urging him to drink often and offering his own waterskin when Porthos’s had run dry. Then when Treville had taken him off duty to prohibit him from sneezing on the royal court, Aramis had been with him in his every spare moment, pouring him tea and washing his sodden handkerchiefs. Really, Porthos supposed, he should have expected that just as soon as his own sniffling diminished, Aramis’s increased, as though the cold had just seeped from his head into his friend’s.

Aramis’s croak drew him back to the present. He flopped his arm around miserably on the bed. “I’m beginning to think I’ll ne-eh’hehhh—never be well again. Snf!”

Porthos couldn’t help but crack a small smile. “Well, that’s a bit dramatic, don’t you think?”

Aramis shot upward, curled in on himself in what Porthos was sure would end in a sneeze, only for his nose to be left a dripping, flaring, unsatisfied mess as the sensation abandoned him once more. “HEHH...ohh.” He pressed the back of his hand hard against his nose with a set of marshy sniffles. “If I could only sneeze, the world would look so much brighter.” 

In more ways than one, Porthos thought, making a concerted effort to swallow down the fluttering feeling in his stomach. He felt bad enough that he was enjoying his friend’s misery in a way; he would be damned if Aramis found out about that fact. Whereas the day previous Aramis had been veritably unable to stop sneezing, each expulsion somehow leaving him sounding more congested than the last, today he was many times taunted but never satisfied. Yesterday had brought its own challenges when Porthos had come to check on him, namely the need to hide any untoward reactions to his friend’s desperately ill sneezes, but when Porthos had agreed with Aramis’s plea for the heavens to make him stop sneezing, it hadn’t been with this new misery in mind. Misery for Aramis, but also for Porthos, because these near-sneezes were hardly any better.

Aramis coughed again, rubbing at the swollen glands near his jaw. “Oh, and my throat,” he moaned with a harsh swallow. “And my ear.” He winced as the coughs continued and Porthos felt his heart split in two. No sooner did the coughs cease than did his breaths begin to hitch again–

“Hehhh…Ihhh…IHHHhh–”

–only to fade away into nothingness once more. Poor Aramis let out a hoarse, throaty groan, and that pitiful noise not only increased Porthos’s concern but also must have banished whatever sense he possessed, for he suddenly heard himself saying, “I think I know something that could help you with the sneezes.”

Luckily, Aramis’s eyes were closed as he pinched and rubbed at his leaking nose, for Porthos was sure he looked like the portrait of a mortified man. His hands shook slightly and he blinked; help him? Dear God, what was Porthos thinking, exposing himself like that? Worse, what if Aramis accepted? How could Porthos pretend to be normal in that?

A second passed in which Aramis said nothing, and so Porthos rushed in with a fumbling attempt to somehow explain his offer. “It’s something I’ve done–uhh, it’s a bit unconventional… but…” Good Lord, Porthos thought, he was merely digging himself deeper into this godforsaken hole.

“Porthos,” Aramis sighed, cracking open a tired eye at him, “at this point I would join the Cardinal’s Guard if it would make me feel better.”

Porthos gasped in mock scandal. “You don’t mean that.”

He was stalling, this much he knew, but he also knew he would rather be trampled by every horse in the garrison than continue this conversation, even though Porthos had been the fool who brought this whole predicament upon himself in the first place.

Aramis said nothing in reply, merely fished his handkerchief out from beneath the blankets and gave a liquid blow into it. He fixed his gaze balefully on Porthos when he finished, rubbing at his nose with the corner of the cloth in slow, slurpy circles. He looked so utterly miserable, his cheeks flushed, his nose chapped, his eyes bruised with purple, that Porthos knew instantly he would swallow every inch of his pride to make him feel better. 

“Sit up, then,” Porthos said, and said a quick prayer to nothing at all to help him, for surely this was out of God’s domain. “I have a feeling this might help you.”

Aramis grumbled and groaned but did as Porthos bid him, dragging himself into a seated position and swaddling the thickest quilt from his bedsheets around his shoulders. Meanwhile, Porthos went to the post at the wall where he had hung his own hat and plucked one of the feathers from it. He cared far less for his hat than Aramis did, and anyway he knew that Aramis was planning to give him a new one for his birthday that year, as the man could really be horrible at keeping secrets sometimes. As such, one feather now could be sacrificed to the cause.

Porthos returned to the bed and took a seat across from the bundled, shivering Aramis. His heavy-lidded eyes fell upon the feather which Porthos twisted nervously between his fingers and he grinned, even as Porthos wished the floor would swallow him whole. 

“Ahh, I see,” Aramis murmured, and Porthos nearly lept to the ceiling.

“You-you see?”

“Would you believe me if I said I’ve done this before, too?” 

At this, Porthos’s heart nearly stopped. He felt dizzy, felt his mouth drop open, unable to believe what he was hearing. Aramis continued. “With a feather, I mean. I used to know a woman who was quite, shall we say, fond of sneezes.” Porthos could already feel his cheeks burning, but then Aramis’s eyes took on a far-off sparkle, glimmering with pride, and the words which accompanied them were almost his undoing. 

“Especially mine, so she said.”

I’m inclined to agree with her, Porthos thought. His cheeks felt positively aflame now, and Porthos hardly knew how he managed to keep his voice from being a croak as he asked, “By fond do you mean…” He licked his lips, almost praying that Aramis would spare him completing his question. “Aroused?”

Aramis smiled. “I was trying to be discreet, but yes.” That same faraway look of pride gleamed in his eyes again, and Porthos wished he could slap the man for it. “Ah, I wonder if she’s found a better sneezer than I.” 

At once, Porthos’s mind supplied him with I doubt it, and wished he could slap Aramis for prompting that, too. To hide the tremble he felt rising in his voice, Porthos scoffed. “You,” he laughed, shaking his head. “Discreet.”

“I am very discreet, dear Porthos.” Aramis laid his hand across Porthos’s, the one which held the feather, and Porthos could feel the man’s fever even through his fingers. “Notice how I have not so much as disclosed her name.” Removing his hands, Aramis pressed his thumbs beneath his eyes, near the bridge of his nose and massaged himself lightly. He groaned softly at the contact. “Snf! Now, enough reminiscing. My nose is positively stopped full and it n-n-eh-needs your help. Snf!” 

If the Lord did exist, He must have been very displeased with Porthos, for He was surely testing every mite of Porthos’s resolve this day. Porthos raised the feather slowly, his hand trembling so badly he was worried he might jab Aramis in the eye with it. He was almost unable to look Aramis in the face but he forced himself to, trying to distance himself from the thought that he was really doing this, that he was really putting a feather to his friend’s blocked, sniffly, cold-ridden nose just as he’d always–

“I don’t think it’ll take much,” Aramis said thickly. “Snf! I’ve been hovering on the brink all day.” He caught Porthos by the wrist, stopping the feather a mere hairsbreadth from its target. “I might—snf!—I might sneeze on you.”

Porthos cursed the stirring he felt in his trousers. “That’s alright,” he managed, hoping he didn’t sound quite as breathless as he felt. He tried to don an air of uncertainty; it wouldn’t do to seem to be enjoying it so much, for God’s sake. “I-if it was my cold first, that means I shouldn’t catch it again, right?”

“I should hope not bc I—snf!— I feel miserable and I’d feel even worse if I made you this miserable too.” 

Porthos made a sympathetic sound in the back of his throat and worked to push aside any thought that wasn’t of concern for Aramis. The man was freely admitting to feeling miserable, for God’s sake. Porthos could help him, would help him, and would not let any silliness get in the way of that. If this is what it took to alleviate the smallest bit of his brother’s discomfort, so be it. Porthos could deal with himself later. 

Porthos brushed the feather delicately beneath the red, chapped skin of Aramis’s nose, and the man gave a full-body shiver at the contact, bundling deeper into the blanket tucked around his shoulders. He coughed lightly, his nose already beginning to twitch and flare, and Porthos knew the man had been right, it wouldn’t take much. He inserted the very tip into one of Aramis’s nostrils, gave it a slight wiggle, and that was all it took before the man’s breath snagged on a ragged inhale. 

“P-hhhooo’ohhh’ISHHHUHHH! Ihhh’KSSHHH! Ihh’HESHHHH!” 

The dam finally broken, Aramis sneezed and sneezed, collapsing forward with each expulsion. Porthos could see the wetness hang in the air between them, could feel it land on his cheeks. Mess trailed down in ropy tendrils from Aramis’s nose and he cupped his hand in a futile and retrograde act of containment. “Heh’KMMPPFF! Hehh’RMPFFF!”

His hands shook with the fervor of his movement, and he was not successful at keeping them plastered to his face. As they broke away they brought with them a strand of mucus, clinging to his fingers, but still Aramis was far from finished. “Heh’ZDSHHH’ooo! Ihh’GSHHH’ooo! Hehh’ihh’INGSHHHH!” He sniffled almost convulsively between each sneeze, desperate for air. Porthos felt a mist on his cheeks and for a moment he was paralyzed. 

Porthos wouldn’t have minded if the man kept releasing a fountainous spray upon him, but to preserve his friend’s dignity he cast around feverishly in the bedsheets. “Damn it, Aramis, where did you put the handkerchief?”

Aramis was pinching his reddened nose, his fingers glistening with the mess which had spilled onto them. Already his hair was wild and framed his face like an unholy halo. “Udder the pill-Pshhh’IEEWWW! Pillow? Heh’DSHHH!”

It was not under the pillow, nor tangled in the bedsheets, but had rather fallen to the floor halfway beneath the bed. Porthos scrambled to retrieve it as his friend released sneeze after sneeze of the wettest, fullest sort, as though they had been building in his head the whole day. They probably had been, the poor man. He started to cough, only for more sneezes to cut him off.

“Heh’RSHHH! Heh’TSHIEW! Oh, thagk you,” Aramis sighed as he hurriedly took the cloth from Porthos. Their hands brushed, and Porthos swallowed heavily at the dampness he felt on Aramis’s fingers. He watched as Aramis took a deep breath before blowing what must have been every bit of fluid in his nose into the handkerchief. Once he had finished, he folded the cloth, turned it over, and blew again, before seeking out a dry corner and nuzzling into it, massaging his nose between the folds and making stuffy noises of relief.  

He lowered the cloth for a mere moment before his eyes clouded over again. “I’ve got… sdeeze! Ahh’TSCHOO! HEHH’TSHHH!” He blew his nose again and coughed throatily into the handkerchief, before his breath crescendoed into one final, massive sneeze. “Ahh’hihh’HITSCHHOOO!”

Aramis buried his nose in the folds again and simply held it there as if to let gravity drain away the rest, shutting his eyes in the utterly exhausted aftermath of such a display. Porthos was grateful for the man’s distraction, for he was finding it increasingly difficult to sit still. 

“Oh, Porthos,” Aramis groaned in a positively sinful manner as he finally lowered the handkerchief. “Snf, snf! Snf!” The sneezing had clearly shifted the congestion in his head, but already he was beginning to sound all bunged up again. His cheeks and nose were flushed scarlet, his hair a tangled mess, his eyes streaming, and before Porthos could stop himself he squirmed and gave a minute groan of his own. 

Then, to Porthos’s horror, Aramis smiled at him. “Am I wrong in saying that you appear to be enjoying this quite as much as Ju—my friend?” 

At once, the room began to spin. Had he really been so obvious? Porthos’s breath quickened as thoughts and curses jumbled together in his mind, his hands beginning to tremble, his legs starting to bounce in agitation. He would have to leave and hope Aramis would forget this; he was not some oddball lover who–

Aramis’s hand was back on his thigh, stilling its motion. “Porthos, mon ami,” he said lowly, and Christ Almighty, every ounce of congestion was back weighing on his voice. Porthos could not look at him. “I will not judge you. I—heh’TSHIEW!” 

As if on reflex, Porthos found his head snap up at the sound, and he damned himself. Aramis had twisted away to sneeze at his shoulder, but he turned back to Porthos with a bleary sniffle. He smiled at him again, and though his eyes were tired, they held nothing but gentleness.  “What a man likes in bed is between him and the parties in it.”

Porthos could hardly believe what he was hearing, could hardly believe what had happened and what was continuing to happen. He spluttered, choking over thank you for not thinking I am a deviant, and I hope I haven’t made things odd between us, until all he could think to say was, “But I–we–we’re not in bed!”

Aramis gestured to the mattress on which they sat with a laugh. “In any case, I am glad someone is eh-enjoying my… my cold. Hhhh’KSHHHH’uhh!” The sneeze burst from him too quickly to be adequately covered by the handkerchief, and so Porthos saw a heap of wetness slide out from his nose before being sniffled back. “Snf! Guhhh… Because it certainly isn’t me.” 

Aramis gave his nose a haphazard swipe with the cloth. “We could do some more if you’d like. There’s still a lot—a lot…” Aramis trailed off as though forgetting his train of thought, but the true reason for the pause became apparent when his breath gave an almighty hitch and his eyes flickered shut. “Hhhh’RSHHHH!” He sniffled thickly and gave a rueful little smile. “A lot left in there.”

Warmth pulled at the base of Porthos’s belly, but he dared not hope. “Are you sure?”

“After a day of being clogged up with no respite, sneezing like that was nothing short of divine.” 

You can say that again, my friend. Porthos smiled, anticipation thrumming in his veins as he picked up the feather once more, the realization washing over him that he would get to see that divine display again, that he would be able to watch his friend’s beautiful sneezes crash forth and not need to look away for fear or propriety’s sake. It was dizzying, and Porthos felt as though he might burst with it. 

Again, Aramis took him by the wrist. His eyes were alight, but serious. “Tell me how to make this more pleasurable for you.”

Porthos must have been dreaming. “P-Pardon me?”

“My l-friend, she liked it when I tried not to sneeze after she’d tickled me.” 

Porthos’s voice, when he found it, was naught more than a rough whisper. “I—uh—I’d like that too.” If he ever found this woman, he would fall at her feet and kiss them. 

“Noted,” Aramis said with a grin. “Snf!” He slid a knuckle beneath his nose. “I’m not sure how long I’ll be able to hold back given how congested I am, but on my honor as a Musketeer I will try.” He patted his breast proudly, and Porthos thought he might love the man for it. “What else?”

And if Porthos thought he loved the man before, he was surely infatuated by that comment. What else, the man asks? As if this weren’t already everything and more. The heady thrumming pulsated in his ears, and he could hardly feel his lips as they moved. “Tell me how you feel.”

Aramis blinked at him blankly, and for a moment Porthos feared all was lost. Stuttering, he pushed ahead. “Y-your symptoms. How miserable you feel.”

“Oh, you like it when I complain?” Aramis flashed him a sparkling, devilish grin, and in that instant Porthos saw what every woman must see in him. “You are in luck, dear Porthos, because I feel awful.” He frowned, shaping his features into a dramatic pout. “Every part of me feels run-down and achy—“

Porthos danced the feather ever so lightly across the man’s septum, marveling at how much it quivered at such slight contact. 

“Snf! And sh-shivery. Snf! Like I have a-a f-fehhh… a fever.” 

Porthos pressed his hand gently to Aramis’s warm forehead, his fingers stroking back the sweat-damp hair. “I think you do, poor Aramis.” 

“Poor me, indeed!” Aramis cried hoarsely, breaking off into a few sharp coughs directed at his shoulder. Porthos’s fingers slid to Aramis’s jaw and he guided the man’s face back to him. Porthos ran the feather against his septum again. Aramis’s entire face twitched, but he soldiered on. 

“My throat… my…” His expression went lax as the feather ghosted against his skin and his eyes fluttered to half mast. He gripped Porthos’s thigh, his fingers flexing and relaxing, his nails digging into the flesh. “Oh, I have to sn-sneeze. Hehhh—“

Were it not for the iron grip of his friend’s hand, Porthos felt as though he might float away into the ether. “Keep holding on,” he croaked, sounding almost as wretched as Aramis. “Keep talking.” 

Aramis doggedly blinked away the tears which had begun to form in his eyes. “Oh, snf!” His nose was red, chapped, and quivering, and yet Porthos taunted it more with the feather. Aramis squirmed. “My throat feels like I’ve choked on my sword. My ear feels hot and full. Snf! Hehhh…. Oh, and my nose. Snf! How is it possible for it to be so stuffed up and… and so runny… HEHhhh… Snf! At the same time?” 

And indeed, Porthos could see the evidence of such a predicament, a line of mucus dripping from one of Aramis’s nostrils no matter how forcefully his nose twitched and sniffled. It wouldn’t be long now, and so Porthos made the final gesture, inserting the feather into the snotty nostril inch by inch with a tantalizing slowness. Aramis squeezed his eyes shut and moaned, his breath already beginning to hitch. Porthos wiggled it a couple times and then withdrew it at the same pace, drawing with it a thick rope of slime. 

“Ohhhh…” Aramis was trembling, his breath shaking as he fought against his body’s urge with every ounce of strength. But he was no match, this Porthos could tell; he was going to lose this battle, and lose it quickly. 

“I’b really…hehhh’EHHH...huhhhh—Snf, snf!” His voice was rapidly taking on a breathier and breathier quality with each word he spoke, and Porthos’s heart raced. “Really dot feelig—HESHHHOO! Ihh’TSSCHHH! Uhh… I’b dot feelig well at all, Porthos. Heh’TSHIEWWW! Oh…”

They were both done for now, Aramis lost in a violent haze of sneezes, even more vigorous now than the first, and Porthos swirling in his own private ecstasy. “Heh’ZDSHHH! KSHHH’uhh! Hehh…Ihhh..HEHISHHH! Hhhh’ITSCHHH! Snf! Huh’TSHHHH’ooo! Nggghhh…”

Aramis rubbed at his nose with the handkerchief as he sniffled and sneezed, letting it fall to the side with a sigh of irritation upon finding the cloth utterly soaked. Mucus dribbled down his lips no matter how many times he sniffled, and the sharp inhalations made him cough. 

“Let it all out,” Porthos rasped, “you’ll feel better.”

“I deed–de-heh’HESHHH’oo! Snf! Oh, Porthos… Heh’KSHHHIEW! Snf, snf! A haddkerchief–snf–please! Ahh’TSHCHH!” It was true, Aramis’s face was a mess of fluid from his eyes to his chin. Porthos dug out a handkerchief from the pocket of his trousers and passed it to Aramis, before flopping back against the bed and tending to himself as Aramis blew and blew. All the while, Porthos lay on his back, panting, staring at the ceiling as visions of what he had just seen danced across his view. 

“Ugh, I’b exhausted,” Aramis said upon finishing, before dropping abruptly onto Porthos’s chest, pillowing his head against his breast and curling up beside him. Porthos stroked the top of the man’s head, gratified when the man let out a hoarse and congested, yet content hum at the contact. He pressed a long kiss to the hot skin of Aramis’s forehead, suffusing it with the thank yous and I love yous and my heart breaks when you aren’t feeling wells that he could not put into words. Aramis turned and pressed his nose into Porthos’s shirt, drawing a long breath in before muffling his next sneeze into the fabric, though some still spilled over onto Porthos’s exposed skin where the shirt came undone at his chest.  “Ehh’KMPFFF! Oh…” He sniffled and laid his head back down on Porthos’s chest, before murmuring tiredly, “You’d best hope you can’t catch this again.”

[moodboardmix]

Jane Mallory Birkin (14 December 1946 – 16 July 2023)

Jane Mallory Birkin was born in London in December 1946, daughter of British actress Judy Campbell and Royal Navy commander David Birkin.

She had lived in her adopted France since the late 1960s and apart from her singing and roles in dozens of films, she was a popular figure for her warm nature, stalwart fight for women's and LGBT rights.

She first took to the stage aged 17 and went on to appear in the 1965 musical "Passion Flower Hotel" by conductor and composer John Barry, whom she married shortly after. The marriage ended in the late 1960s.

Before venturing across the Channel aged 22, she achieved notoriety in the controversial 1966 Michelangelo Antonioni film "Blow-Up", appearing naked in a threesome sex scene.

But it was in France that she truly shot to fame, as much for her love affair with tormented national star Gainsbourg, as for her tomboyish style and endearing British accent when speaking French.

It was on the set of the film "Slogan" in 1969 that Birkin first met Gainsbourg, who was recovering from a break-up with Brigitte Bardot, and the two quickly began a love affair that captivated the nation.

That same year they released "Je T'Aime... Moi Non Plus" ("I Love You... Me Neither"), a song about physical love originally written for Bardot in which Gainsbourg's explicit lyrics are punctuated with breathy moans and cries from Birkin.

The song was banned by the BBC and condemned by the Vatican.

Following the breakup of that relationship in 1981, she continued her career as a singer and actress, appearing on stage and releasing albums such as "Baby Alone in Babylone" in 1983, and "Amour des Feintes" in 1990, both with words and music by Gainsbourg.

Gainsbourg's drinking eventually got the better of the relationship, and Birkin left him in 1981 to live with film director Jacques Doillon. However she remained close to the troubled singer until his death in March 1991.

It was around this time that she inspired the famous Birkin bag by French luxury house Hermes, after chief executive Jean-Louis Dumas saw her struggling with her straw bag on a flight to London, spilling the contents over the floor.

She wrote her own album "Arabesque" in 2002, and in 2009 released a collection of live recordings, "Jane at the Palace".

She is survived by two daughters the singer and actress Charlotte, born in 1971, and Lou Doillon, also an actress, born in 1982. She also had a daughter, Kate, who was born in 1967 and died in 2013.

(Reporting by John Irish Editing by David Goodman and Frances Kerry)

(Jane Birkin & Serge Gainsbourg - Je T'aime,...Moi Non Plus)

Rest in peace to the Timeless Style Icon and Epitome of Effortless Chic

[napoleonic-sexyman-tournament]

Thomas-Alexandre Dumas:

a. “mustache”

b. “Tall! Daring! Swashbuckling! A devoted husband and father! Had a personal conflict with Napoleon! Also it was said he could, while holding onto a bar above his head, LIFT A HORSE WITH HIS THIGHS. How is he not on this list ten times already! Vote for General Dumas!”

c. “He was so hot that he inspired The Three Musketeers, The Count of Monte Cristo, and many more books that his son, Alexandre Dumas, wrote. He definitely looked the part of a sexyman, as he son recounts in his memoirs: "My father, as already stated, was twenty-four, and as handsome a young fellow as could be found anywhere. His complexion was dark, his eyes of a rich chestnut colour […]. His teeth were white, his lips mobile, his neck well set on his powerful shoulders, and, in spite of his height of five feet nine inches, he had the hands and feet of a woman. These feet were the envy of his mistresses, whose shoes he was very rarely able to put on." He could crush you between his thighs: "His free colonial life had developed his strength and prowess to an extraordinary degree; he was a veritable American horse-lad, a cowboy. His skill with gun or pistol was the envy of St. Georges and Junot. And his muscular strength became a proverb in the army. More than once he amused himself in the riding-school by passing under a beam, and lifting his horse between his legs." He was so badass he could beat 13 men with 4 and take all the enemy prisoner, and defend against hundreds of men on a bridge by himself. He performed these acts of valour numerous times in Italy. He was so formidable that the Austrians named him the "Schwartz Teufel", or the Black Devil, and his feat at the bridge earned him the moniker of "Horatius Cocles of Tyrol". He wasn't afraid to stand up to his morals and protest against unfair treatment. When unjust executions by the guillotine were happening outside his quarters, he closed the blinds of his curtains, earning him the nickname "Mr. Humanity". When in the Vendée, he complained about the wanton indiscipline in his troops. When in Italy, Berthier wrongly reported his actions as one of "observation" in St. Antonio. Dumas wrote to General Bonaparte that if Berthier was in the same position, he would have shit his pants. Dumas abhorred plunder, never exhorted the locals, and ordered the Directory agent who had come to persuade him otherwise be shot if he dared present himself to Dumas again. Integrity and a sense of moral justice is sexy, mark my words. For Dumas' final qualifier as a sexyman, look no further than this Tumblr heritage post (https://www.tumblr.com/petermorwood/133803437020/hortensevanuppity-elodieunderglass), with 300,000 notes and counting. And I quote: "- daddy general dumas was an immense fierce french warrior who was a 6 foot plus, stunningly gorgeous and charismatic Black gentleman - he invaded egypt - the native egyptians said “is this napoleon? this must be napoleon. we for one welcome our majestic new overlord” - then napoleon showed up - napoleon has all the presence of yesterday’s plain Tesco hummus - the native egyptians were like “… no… no, we’ve thought very hard and we’ll have General Dumas actually” - this did not make napoleon happy - in fact it made him jealous - napoleon felt so emasculated that he launched a campaign of revenge against General Dumas, including taking away his pension, that probably inspired a lot of Alexandre’s rather satisfying scenes in which fathers are nobly avenged and the money-grubbing villains are rubbed in the mud" I rest my case. Tl;dr: He was so hot he inspired multiple books, he was a stronk man who could crush you between his thighs or carry you like a sack of potatoes, and he was so badass that he could take on odds of 1 to 3. He had a foul mouth but a heart of gold and his actions were never self-serving. Posts relating to him on Tumblr have had 300,000 notes and counting. He is qualitatively and quantitatively qualified to be a sexyman.”

Zofia Czartoryska-Zamoyska:

a. „MY GIRLIEEEE… I love her more than anything, and I'm very sorry for how her relationship with her husband turned out (he was not abusive, perhaps, and treated her with some sort of basic respect, but he had a rough childhood and became emotionally neglectful, both towards her and the children. He did care for her, however it showed much more after she died and he was alone then when she was alive and well). She was actually considered one of the most beautiful, if not the most beautiful woman in the Warsaw Duchy, and was literally worshipped by her descendants. Her portrait even made an appearance as the male lead's unhappy grandmother in "Trędowata" (well, the book the movie was based on is not exactly wonderful literature, but the movie itself is quite well-known), and I can absolutely see why. She had such beautiful eyes. Also, she was a philanthropist and helped organise one of the first concerts of Fryderyk Chopin when he was a child to raise money.”

[sacredechoes]

Valentia Side Material and Translations: Resource Masterpost

This post is to organize links to side material for Gaiden/Shadows of Valentia, much of which Sacred Echoes has drawn upon for additional story and characterization details. In the case of translated material, I will link to the main translator's site; if you worked on these translations and have a Tumblr handle you'd like to be credited under as well, please message me and I'll update the post.

Art Book, Valentia Accordion

Includes concept art, full character biographies, and an official timeline. Information here is considered a primary source.

Character bios and concept art translations are hosted on Kantopia's translations blog. Additional translators assisted with individual pages and are credited therein by their Twitter handles.

Lyrics translations of the songs with vocals are available at the above link and were contributed by @mystletainn.

The official timeline was translated by @vincentasm on Serenes Forest.

Drama CD - "Foreign Skies, Daybreak Forest"

Taking place in Act 4 soon after the Deliverance crosses the Rigel border, this drama CD features Alm, Faye, Silque, Tobin, Kliff, Lukas, Forsyth, and Python, as well as three Rigelian characters not used elsewhere. Information here is considered a primary source, and this is the only quasi-official source of information about Alm's mother.

While Clive and Mathilda return to Zofia to quell dissent among the nobility in the wake of Desaix's defeat, the Deliverance are attacked by Rigelian child soldiers armed with cursed weapons. Alm's compassion and sense of justice lead him to try and reach out to these children rather than attack them with military force, and he discovers that they are orphans marginalized by brutal Rigelian customs and being used as pawns by the Duma Faithful. Alm reckons with the reality that Rigelians are not his enemies, but the systemic oppression they face from the empire and death-cult that rules over them, and through his compassion he meets some kindred spirits. Contains some really great characterizations of the Lukas/Python/Forsyth trio as well.

Text translation was done by @garmmy on their translations blog. A subtitled video playlist was created using garmmy's translations with the original audio by @fudgenomnomnom.

Valentia Comic Anthology

Includes over 100 4koma (4-panel, half-page) comics, as well as longer-form one-shots of 8 or more pages. Material here is more akin to fan comics and is thus considered a secondary source.

The 4koma have all been translated and hosted by Kantopia on their blog.

The one-shots are not all in the same place, and not all have been translated yet. Four have been done by @mystletainn a few years ago, while @hypergammaspaces is picking up the remaining chapters:

As Comrades, by Itagaki Hako - TL: mystletainn. Faye resolves to do whatever she can to help carry Alm's burdens, and brings the Ram boys along. Alm proves he loves his friends as much as they love him.

Sweet Delivery, by Watarizora Tsubamemaru - TL: mystletainn. Atlas fails to guard Mae and Leon's fresh-baked cookies, so he, Saber, and Jesse agree to gather the ingredients to replace them.

Fieldwork in Zofia, by Shiroishi Kotoni - TL: mystletainn. Taking place shortly before Act 3, Kliff ventures out to survey the lands north of Zofia Castle and encounters a certain masked knight who has more in common with him than either of them expect.

Only My Big Brother, by Kirai Yuu - TL: mystletainn. Tired of being ignored by Valbar, Leon ropes Kamui into helping him find the perfect boyfriend.

Know Your Enemy and Know Yourself, by Temo Uchida - TL: hypergammaspaces. Lukas and Forsyth try to encourage Kliff to take his combat duties seriously.

Future Wife, by Reku Hayase - TL: hypergammaspaces. Mathilda navigates her thoughts about her future with Clive as she reconciles Clair's expectations of her. Lukas is there too.

Let's Go To Ram Village, by Kazuomi Mochizuki - TL: hypergammaspaces. Translation is in-progress. Clair, having just met the Deliverance, asks to see what life in Ram Village is like, and Alm agrees to show her. Faye isn't too happy about this, but finds common ground with Clair by the end.

There are at least three more chapters yet untranslated which will be linked here as they are completed.

Rise of the Deliverance DLC

This was a set of four story maps set in the year-and-a-half or so before the events of Act 1. Focused around Clive, Fernand, Mathilda, Clair, Lukas, Forsyth, and Python, this added supports and memory prisms between these characters as well as story map dialogue. Scripts, memory prisms, and additional support transcriptions were found on a Serenes Forest forum post by user godzillahomer.

Gaiden manga

One-volume manga by Masaki Sano and Kyo Watanabe, published by Asuka Comics DX. Partial scans have been found on the Fire Emblem (Fandom) Wiki, but no complete scans or translations have been found as of this post. This is the one where Desaix stabs Kliff to death (hence Kliff joking about "maybe we can all get impaled on the same lance" in SoV). Many characters are entirely absent, while both Deen and Sonya appear in Celica's party.

Gaiden novelization

A light novel with a few illustrations throughout. Based heavily on the author's personal playthrough, Silque thus features prominently as she basically hard-carried Alm's party. Neither English FE wiki has a page about this adaptation. I have an acquaintance who owns it but I'm not aware of any full scans/translations available as of this post. This is the one where Kliff and Silque are half-siblings with the same father.

[badassindistress]

I know it's a long shot, but would you happen to have pictures of Hugo's face on Dumas' castle?:D

I did not see his name when I was at the castle last year, so I think he might be one of the ones were the name didn't survive.

I think I have at least a glimpse of all the faces on my pictures, so let's Investigate if we can find him amidst all these glorious decorations:

A blog I can now of course no longer find suggested this as the full list:

Virgil, Shakespeare, Dante, Homer, Chateaubriand, Sophocles, Cervantes, Lope de Vega, Racine, Byron, Goethe, Victor Hugo, Corneille and Molière (+Dumas added himself above the door later). That's 15. From my pictures, it looks like there are 13 faces...

Either I missed some more faces, or the list is wrong.

Let's go through it side by side:

On the front face we have Dumas above the door and a nameless older gentleman with a curly beard:

On the left side, we have three gentlemen from bygone eras:

On the back, we have Unknown, Goethe, Virgil, Unknown, Maybe Racine

On the right side we have 3 less easily identifiable men, the first of which had a description I sadly cannot read:

EDIT: Like a true detective @pioup-pioup has used google maps to determine that two of these men are de Lamartine (left) and Chateaubriand (middle).

I do think these are all the heads, the chateau website says they're all above the ground floor windows (man above the door excepted)

None of these scream Victor Hugo to me, i'll put closeups of the contenders in a reblog.

[zahri-melitor]

DC Holiday Special 2017 #1 - wouldn't it be nice if DC got back to some sort of consistent naming pattern?

The Reminder - Constantine & Superman. Constantine gets thrown out of a bar for being drunk and dour. Clark doubts Superman can change anything while the barkeeper tells him all the great things Supes has done over the past day. Supes then invites Constantine home to see the family.

'Twas the Night Before Christmas - Batman. OH MY GOODNESS THIS IS A DENNY STORY!!! And wow is it ever a Denny story, we have ghosts and all (where's the Order of St Dumas, Denny, I know you wanted to shove them in too). Storywise, Bruce is tracking down (in a blizzard) a couple who've been kidnapped and held at gunpoint by a man haunted by his dead grandmother, after they both died/almost died in the snow due to the couple, years ago. Bruce stops this.

You Better Think Twice - Green Arrow & Black Canary. Ollie dresses up as Santa ever year for the orphans. Dinah is sceptical that this is helpful. The art direction pretends Sin exists in this story for a page and my heart melts even though that is 100% not Sin.

Not Sin. But Dinah is missing her.

Going Down Easy! - Sgt. Rock. Because what is a Christmas Special if I don't have to read Sgt. Rock stories for some reason.

Amazingly, this is the Hanukkah story for the year! Varying it up. An American Jewish soldier, after being shot, holds on and lives for 8 nights with the German soldier who shot him, until Sgt Rock and his troops arrive. (Then he dies). This is a miracle of faith.

Hope for the Holidays - Flash. Wally just wants to give Barry his Christmas present. Barry gets distracted fighting crime and then taking everyone at the snowed in airport to their destinations. But eventually, he finds time to make it to see Wally in Titans Tower.

A Wilson Family Christmas - Deathstroke.

Aw yeah Adeline's here. Shoot Slade, Adeline! (Tragically she does not even though she threatens to). So is Grant, because we're in a flashback. Anyway Slade is looking for a bomb in a pile of donated presents (and a Santa dies), the rest of the Wilsons come off the road in a carcrash in the snow, Adeline doesn't believe a word Slade says, it's all very them. Also somehow Grant, who was driving, DIDN'T wipe himself out at this point. Survived the teen car accident only to die stupidly fighting the Titans. Way to go kid.

Driver's Seat - Lois & Clark. For some reason this was skipped by the DCUI file. Lois' first car gets totalled in a car accident, which she's broken up about because she wasn't ready to say goodbye. Clark rescues the driver's seat and steering wheel for her, then takes her flying in the seat.

Silent Night - Atomic Knights. I...do not know the Atomic Knights. I vaguely remember something about them in Final Night. It appears to be an alternate timeline?

The community protected by the Knights is worried about the 'Trefoils', a set of walking trees who frankly look like Triffid ripoffs. The village wants to burn them down even though they used to be part of the community. But the Trefoils actually brought a Christmas Tree for everyone! The Spirit of Christmas lives.

Holiday Spirit - Teen Titans. The team fights Three Ghosts similar to those in A Christmas Carol, except the goals of the ghosts is to make everyone depressed by feasting on their memories of Christmas. But Kory doesn't have memories of Christmas (I squint at this and go 'sure, that sounds wrong, haven't you been on Earth for at least 5-6 years now? but I guess we're still untangling timelines')

Then the team make new Christmas memories together.

The Echo of the Abyss - Swamp Thing. Uh. In a future? The space station Archer has been on quarantine for 6 months, with a possible nuclear war on earth. One of the crew gets out some mistletoe to try and cheer people up, then loses it in the face of certain death and decides to kill everyone on the station. Swamp Thing comes out of the mistletoe (somehow using the Green) and ties him up with vines, replenishes their bio chamber gardens, and gives them a Christmas Tree for hope.

Solstice - Wonder Woman and Batman. Oh FUCK YEAH this is an echo story like they usually do for Bruce and Clark. I am INTO THIS. (Also Greg Rucka and Bilquis Evely team!!) Bruce and Diana reminisce on the importance of making a difference and fighting to help people. Then they come together and build a bonfire for the Solstice as Diana cannot of course go home to do it with the other Amazons, as we are in Rucka Rebirth era.

The Silent Night of the Batman - Batman. Reprint of Batman #219, this is great, if you haven't read it yet you should.

Total real Santas? None.

Total times I got irritated by plot points in these stories: you don't want to know.

Times my heart melted: fakeout Sin and the Bruce & Diana story.

[blackbirdofasgard]

Mobius x reader fic series 👀👀 now wait a minute. From those titles they sound incredible.

I have to ask about this one though lololol because simply an iconic line from Monty Python:

"Only a Flesh Wound"

Yes, I can share a little snippet from that one! So, first a little bit of information about the whole series for context: it's a slow burn, so about the first half of those titles listed are not super romantic, but are building reader's relationship with Mobius. That includes this one, 'Only a Flesh Wound,' which is about how Mobius is injured in the field and reader's reaction to it. It's a pretty short story, so I don't want to give too much away, but here's the beginning. 😁

Gritting his teeth against the pain, Mobius stared at his shirt, discarded over the back of a metal hospital chair. It was usually so pristine and crisp. He was a little shocked to see it stained with his own blood, even though it made perfect sense. He had a hole ripped through his left arm, after all. Everything had been going fine. It'd been just a standard variant scene in Dumas, Texas in the year 1895. The outlaws had set upon them like a wildfire. Nobody saw them coming until it was too late, and Mobius had happened to be standing in just the wrong place when they announced themselves with their first gunshot. Well, not exactly the wrong place; it could have been worse. If he'd been standing a little farther to the left, he may not have lived to analyze another variant scene. The sudden sting of the Insta-Heal closing his wound snapped Mobius out of his thoughts with a start. "Sunuva bitch!" he cursed, squeezing his eyes shut in a wince. "The effects of the healing will pass momentarily," said the med bay attendant who had administered the shot to him. "Yeah, I know…" Mobius groaned, lowering his head. While he'd never needed to have the healing device used on him personally before, he was familiar with them through all the TVA's documentation. He'd read about the process plenty. He'd just never expected it to hurt so much. As the pain faded slightly, he sat up straighter and joked, "Remind me not to let myself get shot again." The other man, who wore a beige set of scrubs labeled M-P-62, didn't even crack a smile. He just raised an eyebrow at him. Mobius let out his breath in a huff. Honestly, his humor was wasted on the medical staff.