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heyidkyay · 1 year

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I guess I’ll take this pain, instead of your name |

Part Fifteen

A/n: Hey:) There's a lot going on in this part, but also a new pov, though it's really short! Couple of surprises in here too... haven't been too active as of late either and I'm not too sure when the next part will be out, just struggling atm but I hope you enjoy fifteen!:)

Summary: In life, things changed. The boys you'd once grown up with were men now, and famous ones at that. The type that toured the world and had millions of adoring fans.

The five of you shared a shit ton of history. But you also shared a lot of mixed emotions for one of them in particular, a certain drummer.

Warnings: Body issues, insecurities, panic attacks, lots of emotions basically... but there's some fluff too, very lovely stuffs:)

Masterlist

“You ready?”

My head snapped up at the sound of Lee’s gentle voice. He was stood in the bathroom’s doorway waiting patiently for me, he wore a soothing smile. The unnecessary gesture helped ease my mind somewhat, but I noted that my hand was still trembling even as I moved to stand.

I nodded at him in a silent reply.

Even after the assent, it took me an embarrassing amount of time to pull myself up off the hospital bed- I had been getting better and better at it though. In truth, it had taken everything but a forklift to get me up out of it the first time around, since then things had only gotten easier for me, even with all the aches and pains. Because if there was anything anyone should know about me it was that I was stubborn to an absolute fault.

Lee didn’t comment on the pace though, nor my stiff gait as I slowly made my way towards him. Instead he simply asked me other things to keep my brain active. How I'd slept, if I'd caught up on this new show we'd both been watching, what music Matty'd had me listening to.

“Where’s our Matty today then anyway? Patients have been commenting on the sudden peace and quiet.”

I snorted and Lee, the sweetheart, gave me an apologetic smile when I winced at the sudden pain that flooded my chest. Even so, I was still unable to help the small grin I gave him.

“He’s downstairs getting breakfast with Ross.” I replied, picking at the remnants of the plaster they’d removed from my inner elbow when they’d taken the IV out. “Wanted to be on my own for this part.”

I was gifted an understanding nod in reply to my faint admission, and Lee took my good arm in his when I finally reached him. That was all that was said on the topic.

The bathroom was pretty big compared to what I’d actually pictured the first time I’d tried getting out of bed for a wee. It was a shower room, or that’s what Matty had called it. It had a sink and its very own toilet, but it was essentially just a massive shower. The head was situated on the far side wall and had a square drain just below it, but there were no dividers in the floor that separated the shower from the rest of the room. Only another long drain by the door’s threshold.

It was a pretty cool concept, but I’d yet to put it to actual use. That was what this morning was all about though. And to say that I was nervous would have been a huge fucking understatement.

I inhaled as best as I could whilst my eyes darted around the mostly void space, needing to ebb some of the anxiety I felt, but even that simple task was slowly getting easier for me. I had to admit that Dr. Mann’s advice on doing those breathing and coughing exercises had sounded inhuman and had fucking killed the first few times round, but they were working. Helping a lot actually. And that’s all I could really ask for.

Hopefully soon enough I’ll be out of this place. But I’ll easily admit that I will definitely miss all the lovely patients that have been in and out of here too, as well as some of the wards amazing staff. They’d truthfully been such a massive support system and had helped endlessly when I’d needed a distraction from my own frail state.

“You gonna be okay?” Lee questioned me then, it was a prompt, that much was sure, but his voice held so much sincerity. He was one of the few I’d come to treasure most.

I glanced towards him and forced myself to give him a verbal response, after all he’d had to put up with my silent nods and moody cues all morning.

“Yeah.” I breathed, eyes dancing away from his again, scared he’d see through my lie. “And you’ll be just outside the door, in case I need you?” I added quietly.

“Just a shout away.” Lee reassured me in that sweet tone of his, rubbing at my forearm once before evidently letting go. He gestured towards one of the bathroom’s corners, “And if you can’t shout, then try and pull that long orange rope for me, yeah? Like we spoke about.”

I swallowed then pulled my bottom lip into my mouth.

Lee must’ve known that I wasn’t in much of talkative mood, because he smiled once more and then went to take a seat back by the bed. I dragged myself to my impending doom, carefully shutting the door behind me.

I took a moment then to centre myself, locking the latch promptly, and then turned to have another look around. A towel had already been hung up for me just by the sink, one from home, and a small array of shower essentials were lined up on a hanger by the shower head, though, the mirror was what caught my immediate attention.

It was something I’d been avoiding each and every time I came in to use the sink or the toilet, now though… I almost felt myself drifting towards it. First with my eyes, unable to draw my gaze away from it for too long, and then with my body altogether. It just seemed to automatically stray in that direction.

Then with a jerk, I realised the intention there and quickly turned away before I could get a close enough look, pivoting back towards the shower head instead. I started it up.

It had been a long couple days. Tiring, although all I'd done is mainly just sleep.

They’d seemed to drag on though, so repetitive, so mundane.

Just meds, meds, meds.

And talk, talk, talk.

I wanted to be out of here already. I wanted to be back home, where I felt safe. Home, where I could hole away for a while and deal with this all properly. Instead of facing it head on whilst having to front a smile for everyone else at the same time.

One bad day. One terrible fucking evening. And now my whole world felt as though it had fallen apart. Like sand seeping through clasped hands.

Usually, I was the one who knew how to deal with it all, with everything life threw at me. I knew how to cope. I was the one who’d always coped. I had to be. I’d always been. That was just how it had always worked. With my dad, then with mum, and the guys…

The water heated beneath my palm. I let my eyes slip close.

I was devastated, honestly. That’s the only word I could use to describe the way I’d been feeling recently.

It felt like I was stuck in this never ending loop, a blackhole of nothingness. A vicious cycle of good and then shit and then fucked. Because when things were finally going good, finally getting better, life would just mow me the fuck back down. Literally, this time around, my mind unhelpfully supplied.

So as I carefully undressed and stepped under the shower's warm water, I had to try very hard not to think back to that night. To the screech of tires. To the shouts of my name. But the water it reminded me too much of the rain. It itched and it burned my skin. And it all felt a little too much.

Blindly I swatted outwards towards the shower’s temperature dial, turning it and turning it until I shocked my body back to the present with a sharp stinging cold.

I had yet to even open my eyes either. To peer down at my battered body. The scars that marred it, both new and old. And still, I wanted to cry.

I swallowed, again. But that lump I felt forming in the back of my throat was only growing. I had to lean against the wall to stabilise myself, body shaking now. Panic coming in waves. I only had one free hand, the other in its cast and wrapped up tight, impenetrable to the water. I used it to soften the fall of my head when I let it hang, unable to hold it up much longer.

My hair was wet, I could feel it clinging to the back of my neck. I promised I’d try to keep it out from under the spray, the wound they're still tender. But now it was wet and I’d gone and broken that promise. That thought only crumpled me further, cowering me in the corner just outside the spray’s cold curtain.

My chest heaved even in the frigid room and the water clung to the tiles and to my skin. It made me shiver even though I felt like I was close to melting.

My ribs hurt, my whole upper body really. And my arm slipped out from under me causing my hand fall to my side. Thoughtlessly I laid my fingertips against the skin there, wondering briefly if it was yellowing, or if it was still black and blue and purple. My breath hitched when I felt the new groove there. The line that numbed my fingers enough for them to dart away on their own accord. My arm followed just behind them and I found myself slumping, turning and slipping further down the tiled wall. Everything so cold.

I don’t know how much time passed before a tentative knock sounded on the door.

My head darted up so quickly I fretted over whether or not I’d just added whiplash to my extensive list of injuries. But I had to make sure that the door was still locked. That no one else could get in. I didn’t need anyone seeing me like this.

“Y/n? You alright in there?”

It was just Lee.

“It’s just Lee.” I whispered to myself then inhaled sharply, ignoring the heat that licked its way through my chest. I forced a bravado. “Yeah!” I called back to him over the strength of the shower, “Fine!”

“You sure?”

“‘Course! Be out soon.”

I heard his hummed assent and then saw his shadow disappear from beneath the door.

Fuck.

“Fuck!” I huffed, digging a knuckle into the corner of my eye and forcing myself to toughen up. “Fuck.” I repeated again, even softer than the last. The panic still looming.

I strained myself trying to stand, gripping the nearby bar to aid me, but I did it in the end. And I had to push everything out of my head during the next few moments that followed, strategically washing myself down and rinsing off before I could crumble again. I kept my eyes tightly shut throughout it all, dismissing the more tender areas of my mangled body and focusing on the task at hand.

I could only assume that it was over in minutes, but those minutes had felt like hours to me. It’d almost been torturous.

I was quick to step away from where I’d been toying with the spray, too scared to fully submerge myself under it again, and was cautious not to slip as I tiptoed my way over towards the towel.

It was honestly by chance that I happened to look up when I’d gotten the towel wrapped round me, only to see that I was in line with the mirror.

So I stood there, bare feet pressed against the chilly laminate tiles beneath me, and tried to keep my breaths even. Match the heartbeat I heard in my left ear. The fine cut of silver that hung above the sink stared back at me mercilessly, and although now it was slightly fogged, I couldn’t find it in myself to tear my eyes away. The girl who stood within its four harsh lines was the same person I’d always been, only this girl, she was also the person I’d been running from. Trying to escape. For so, very long.

I watched when the smudgey girl walked closer to me, then observed the way she held up a frail hand to wipe at the chilly glass. The sound it made echoed within the room but it cleared the steam.

Looking, I saw that her hair was long -unruly, really- longer than it had been in years. The ends of it they crept their way across the line of her shoulders and like ivy they intertwined, framing her features and darkening the colour that normally resided in irises so bright and alive. Those eyes were somewhat sunken this morning, hazy, hidden beneath heavy lids and black lashes that were long. The skin beneath them dark, only emphasising the vivid scarlet that rimmed her waterline and shot across the whites of her eyes like lightning.

Her cheeks were hollow which only made her look all the more gaunt. Haunted almost. And were exaggerated by the gloomy shadow of sodden hair that had fallen into her face. I blinked, watching the way she licked lightly at her muted pink lips. They were dry, bitten and frayed from hours of relentless anxiety, but parted ever so slightly that her hot breath was able to fog the mirrored glass a tad.

The face she wore was young, unlined by worry, supple yet sharp. But had also been kissed by the cruel blades of glass and falling debris, spoiled by fading bruises that crept across the skin of her jaw and temples. Those bruises trickled though, inch by inch down her body, over her shiny collarbones and beneath the towel she’d swaddled herself in.

Some, a mere few, had described her face as beautiful, effortlessly pretty, but if she was being honest, deep down she knew that it was just a mask. A disguise used to conceal everything she herself didn’t want to see, didn’t want to seep out and taint what little good remained of her.

I gazed at the sad reflection, and it gazed back at me. I had to bite back and swallow down the fear that crawled its way up my throat- because yes, she was pretty, but she was also ruined, monstrous, and marred. The accident only further proved that point and I had to stand there and just stare, picking myself up piece by piece.

And believe it or not, it wasn’t for the first time. I found myself wondering over how many pieces I'd lost, missing or scattered, like that of an overused puzzle.

—ROSS’S POV—

“Fucking stupid.” Ross mumbled hotly under his breath, wondering why he’d ever even agreed to helping out in the first place.

“Oh just piss off, Ross.”

He turned his head and sent a bored glare in the direction the voice had come from. Matty was on the other side of the room from him, playing with blankets and pillows, and just being an overall twat really.

“You piss off. How the fuck have you had me standing here for the last fifteen minutes? My arms are aching, mate.”

Matty merely rolled his eyes and Hann, who was a way away, holding up the other end which belonged to one of the endless supplies that Matty had coerced him into bringing over, sighed too. For a minute there Ross actually thought he was going to have some back up, but knew he was wrong the second Adam opened his fat mouth.

“Toughen up and hold it higher, would you?”

“Yeah, what Hann said!” Matty snarked, looking back at them from inside the fortress he’d started to build. “Besides, you’re a fucking tree, Ross, this should feel like light work to you.”

Ross’s eyes only narrowed further and he had to clench his jaw to keep from actually decking Hann and Matty both when the pair of them only continued to hassle him over his placement of the string. He just hoped that Y/n showered quickly.

—

Even though it’d been a fucking task, one which left me feeling drained and scrubbed raw. It also did feel really good to be clean again. No more blood or sweat.

I’d long since shut the shower off and had to call out to Lee to ask for the clothes I’d accidentally left on the foot of my bed in my haste to get this whole thing over with, as well as my reluctancy to even go through with it. My head had been a mess, in shorter terms, so it was just a surprise that the clothes had been the only thing I’d forgotten.

Although, instead of the neat pile I’d made, Lee had slipped a baggy through the cracked opening I'd made in the door whilst cowering behind it, wrapped up securely in my towel. I’d frowned and told him he must’ve misheard me, but the nurse only shook the bag and told me, with a small chuckle, that he definitely hadn’t misunderstood. So I’d taken it and had been so pleasantly surprised by the sight that had greeted me upon opening it up.

My dressing gown! The one I lived when I was home, the same one I’d been gifted a few years ago by my nana. It was the perfect ratio of fluffy to towel, and left you feeling as though you were wandering around a spa. I almost squealed as I draped it over my shoulders, revelling in the immense comfort it brought me even with the struggle to get my casted arm through the sleeve.

I didn’t sneak another glance in the mirror though, mostly due to the fact that I couldn’t face it, but also because already knew that I was sporting a smile. It was a very thoughtful gift and I wondered over who had the foresight to bring it to the hospital for me.

Nevertheless, I upturned the rest of the bag I’d been handed and found that the gown hadn’t been my only gift. A pair of newly brought slippers rested at the bottom, alongside a silk hair-tie and a pair of… lacy knickers.

I snorted out loud at the sight of them, instantly clueing onto the suspect at hand. Only Healy would push his luck like this. But I still slipped into them, as well as the slippers that felt like an honest to god dream. Then took the time to try and tuck the damp strands of my hair into a loose ponytail with the tie I’d been gifted, but it was a shoddy attempt due to me being only one handed and unable to tug my arms up any higher than my waist. And that was with me really trying, too.

I sighed huffily to myself and gave up after the third attempt, but didn’t let it dampen the warmth that had shrouded me since I’d received the goodie bag. Though, I did find myself having to take a couple more breaths before I actually unlocked the door and pulled it open.

I didn’t know what I’d expected waiting on the other side of it. Perhaps Lee lounging on one of the many chairs that scattered the room, or Matty and Ross pissing about after having returned from the canteen. But this.. this surely wasn’t it.

“Surprise!” The four boys shouted at me. Ross wearing a fancy tiara and grinning like a clown from where he’d made himself comfortable on the end of my bed. Hann holding a tray of cupcakes topped with chocolate and fondant whilst giving me a lopsided smile, one that sort of gave away his helpless shrug and said, ‘Sorry if you hate this but here you go’. Lee was there too, chuckling away at the picture my face must’ve made, recording it all on someones phone. And then there was Matty, who was beaming brightly just by the bathroom door with his hands hidden behind his back, rocking in place.

My mouth was wide open and swinging in complete truth, this was all so incredible. From the buffet of snacks that had been smuggled in, as well as the banners and streamers that were hung up on the walls, to the balloons which littered the corners of the room and made the entrance to the pillow fortress that had been made even grander.

My eyes, watering and bright, darted between the four as I struggled to find the right words to say, or any words at all.

“Wow.” Was what I settled on and chuckled along with the rest of them even when Matty pulled me into a hug. “Did you plan all this?” I whispered out loud, wet gaze still jumping around what had once been my dreary hospital room.

Matty’s grin when he pulled away from me was only that much brighter and he nodded at me rapidly before he asked, “You like it then?”

“Like it?” I breathed out in awe, “I fucking love it.”

I turned to the rest of them on shaky feet, “Thank you. All of you. I- I don’t know what to say to be honest.”

“How about dig in?” Ross decided for me, already jumping up to cross the room. My attention followed his. “I picked up a Chinese a while ago and it’s been sat in that bag just waiting for me.”

I cracked an airy chuckle and rolled my eyes at him before gesturing to go ahead. “By all means, mate. Hate for you to go hungry on my account.”

Matty snorted from beside me and I glanced over when he leant in closer and whispered, “Watched him eat three cookies and eight of them mini sausage rolls before I had to have Hann take over unpacking everything for him.”

“Sounds about right.” I hummed, taking a cupcake from Adam when he approached whilst Matty darted his way over to take the phone from Lee. I could only assume that they'd started watching it when the two of them begun chuckling and smiling down at the thing. “Thanks again, for the cupcake and the party.” I smiled towards Adam and took a small bite out of the side of the frosted treat, “So, who’s bright idea was all this then?”

Hann quirked a brow in retort that told me more than his smirk ever did. “Do you even need to ask?” He jerked his chin back over towards the curly haired prat in the corner. “Texted me late last night, wanting to cheer you up.”

Ah.

I nodded at Hann slowly. Last night had been a tough one. I’d felt grim. The pain wouldn’t subside so I couldn't sleep. And I was non-stop crying. Just fraying at the edges, waiting to come undone.

Matty had been there though, alongside the doctors and Lee. I hated the thought of them seeing me like that, so weak and fragile. Even a bit embarrassed about the whole charade now I was stood with Hann. I tried to ignore it.

“Carls should be by too,” Adam mentioned to me, “Wanted to stop in after work.”

I grinned, I loved the party they'd thrown but seeing Carly right now would probably top seeing Bowie play live. Well, maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration. But I’d only seen her in brief passing this week, when I’d been hazing in and out of sleep due to the medication I’d been on. But I did know that she’d stopped by an awful lot though, I’d woken up to see flowers on the sill, and my favourite chocolates on the side. Her lovely perfume always seemed to linger too.

The late morning quickly bled into afternoon and I found myself forgetting about pain and hurt and lies. Just bathing in the warmth I felt surrounding me. Lee had gone back to making his rounds but said he’d be stopping in again before he finished. Leaving me with two adult children and an annoyingly loved up couple when Carly finally arrived. I made the most of it though, because I loved them. And I could see the amount of love they had for me in return during the time we spent playing board games and talking and gossiping about ours lives and just laughing.

It all felt so surreal.

It was actually long past visiting hours when the nurse on-duty finally had to kick Ross, Hann and Carly out- but they’d only been able to stay as long as they had because no one else on the ward had had any complaints about them, seeing as we’d passed around the shit ton of food Matty had gone and ordered.

I couldn’t stop myself from smiling away though even as the door shut behind the three. I was sad to see them go but still so energised by the good time we’d had.

“Oi.”

My head turned towards where Matty’s voice had come from and frowned when he was nowhere to be seen.

“Matty? Where the fuck are you?” I asked around an amused snort. I really shouldn’t have been all that surprised when he stuck his head out of the fort he'd made with spare sheets and filled with pillows, but somehow I was.

“You coming or what?” He beckoned me.

I stared a him for a very long second before an airy laugh escaped me, the only sort that didn’t seem to hurt all that much these days. And without another word said, I stood and made my way over to join him, smiling in appreciation when he gave me his hand so that I could lower myself down onto the floor.

“Your castle awaits you and all that crap.” Matty whispered to me with a goofy grin and helped settle me into a comfortable position, one where a mountain of pillows was able to cocoon my body.

Once I was okay and ignoring the twitch in my back, I could finally glance about the place. I hadn’t had the chance to look it over before with all the excitement that'd been going on, but it really was incredible. Somehow Matty had managed to wrangle up an impressive number of sheets which stretched from one side of my bed over to two chairs he’d found, he’d strung up a few strings of battery operated fairy lights that trailed from one end to another, and had my laptop already opened up to Netflix.

The smile I broke into stretched my skin when Matty pressed play and the intro to one of my all-time favourite films begun to play. It then grew impossibly wider when he pulled a bowl of popcorn out of nowhere and nestle it between us.

I had to reel it in a tad, I knew that, but it was hard. I didn't think many people had gone so above and beyond for me before. I felt truly loved.

“This better be salted, Healy.” I told him with a mock stern expression, cautiously taking a piece from the bowl.

Matty rolled his eyes at me, “Yes, alright, Drama queen. Don’t have a conniption on me.”

My mouth quirked on its own accord. “Be the best place for it, but I’d hate to go and ruin your plans.”

With an exasperated shake of his head and a hidden smile that wasn’t quite so hard to see, Matty stole a handful and popped some into his gob. “It’s salted, princess. Promise.”

I narrowed my eyes at him, “For your sake you’d better not be lying.”

He laughed happily. “What’ve you got against sweet? Or buttered, or God forbid-”

I shot a hand out to clasp it over his mouth. “If you dare say toffee, I swear.”

“Toffee.” Matty finished, having licked my palm to free himself from my hold. I grimaced at both the foul gesture and the flavour.

“It’s the worst kind!”

“As opposed to stuffing your face with salt? It just dries your mouth out.”

I levelled him with a serious look, “Says the man inhaling it.”

Matty shrugged at me, eyes locked back on the screen. “’S good.”

He hushed me before I could contradict him and so I simply settled on a well deserved huff, relaxing further into the cushions whilst the films soundtrack played and Matty stole another handful of popcorn from the bowl.

—

My brow pinched when I stirred awake and my entire body ached with it. I hissed quietly to myself as I peered through squinted eyes to try and get a grasp back on reality.

It seemed like Matty and I had fallen asleep in the fort whilst watching old film classics late last night and if the sun, which skittered through the opening of sheets surrounding us, was to be believed it was now early morning.

I rubbed at my tired eyes then practically jumped out of my skin when Ross’s giant head popped into view at the entrance, scaring the shit out of me. I put a hand to my heart as an inaudible gasp bypassed my lips and had to narrow my eyes at him when he merely laughed in retort.

“Knob.” I cursed him, sniffing before I caught sight of a still-sleeping Matty sprawled out beside me, mouth wide open and catching flies, his head nestled into my side.

“You love me really.” Ross replied rightly as his gaze skirted between us. His happy expression dimmed by a couple dozen bulbs and was rapidly replaced by a solemn sort of smile, “Er, you fancy coming out to join me? And maybe not waking him up whilst you’re at it.”

At the confused face I pulled, Ross just gave me an imploring sort of look with his eyes that I couldn’t outright ignore, and so when I carefully nodded in agreement he stuck out a hand. Slowly but surely he pulled me from the makeshift tent and with a pained wince I thanked him.

“Don’t thank me just yet.” He replied and the furrow between my brows only deepened at his words.

“Ross, what-”

But my sentence was immediately cut short when my eyes met the shrivelled figure who was stood by the door, their face a priceless picture, appearing as though they were about to make a dive for the window instead of the actual door. Desperation and guilt swarming every fibre of their being.

“George?”

Part sixteen>

91 notes · View notes

lucy-sky · 2 years

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Cure for a Restless Heart (Julian Kaye x f!Reader)

Wet Wednesday prompts: showers; oral sex

When Julian is emotionally drained, you just want to give him the love he deserves.

Warnings: some angst and hurt-comfort, oral sex (both receiving), A LOT of feelings for Julian, I’m drowning in them, help

Words: 1305; AO3 link if you prefer reading there

You’ve never seen Julian that tired, even after a really tough and busy day in the kitchen. Right now it’s a different kind of exhaustion though - more emotional rather than physical, and you are not surprised.

This man’s childhood was far from being happy. You couldn’t know all the details of course, but what he told you was more than enough for you to understand that visiting his mom is not the easiest thing for Julian. Coming back to the place he grew up would inevitably bring back a lot of painful memories. Plus his mother… Well, let’s be fair. In a way she actually ruined his life, even if she did not fully understand what she was doing. You ask yourself if you could go back there if you were him, and the answer is - you are not so sure.

But Julian Kaye’s got the biggest heart, despite how many times it got shuttered.

“I mean… Good or bad, she’s still my mother after all…” He told you in a broken voice, explaining his decision to go check on her a couple of days before Christmas.

You suggested going with him, but he politely declined your offer, vaguely telling you it’s better for him to go alone. You didn’t insist, just let him know that you’d be there for him if he needs it. He left early in the morning. Now it’s almost midnight, and he’s standing at your door. Seeing him like that makes your heart shrink, but a part of you is glad that he’s here, that he trusts you enough to come to your place in such a vulnerable state, searching for some sort of comfort after having twisted a knife in his old wounds.

“Hey,” you whisper softly as you let him in. Cupping his cheek, you press your lips against his in a gentle kiss before looking into his sad brown eyes.

“How did it go?”

“‘S okay,” he mumbles, clearing his throat. “She’s fine, uh… I cleaned up her place a little. Washed the dishes, took out the trash… She seemed to be glad to see me.”

“That’s good. You’re such a good son, J.”

He gives you a crooked smile.

“It’s just… She’s all alone up there. No one would do that for her if not me.”

“Right,” you take his hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze. He clearly is not in a very talkative mood right now, and that’s okay. He’s here, and that’s enough.

“You know what, I think you need a shower after a long drive, how ‘bout that?” you suggest, and he nods in reply.

Still holding his hand, you guide him to the bathroom and turn the water on while he takes off his clothes. Then you undress as well, getting rid of your t-shirt, pajama pants and underwear, and join him in the shower, pressing a kiss against his shoulder as he stands there, eyes closed, tilting his face to the warm sprays of water. Without saying a word, you reach for a sponge and shower gel. Julian seems a little baffled at first, but as you start gently rubbing the soapy sponge against his back and shoulders, the tension in his muscles slowly ebbs away under your touch, and he lets out a soft pleased hum at the sensation.

You wash his hair then, carefully massaging his scalp, hoping that if your affection won’t cure his troubled soul, at least it’s gonna make the troubled thoughts leave his mind for a while. Once you’re done, you wrap your arms around his torso and simply stay there, your chest pressed against his back as you embrace him.

“Are you feeling better now?” you murmur against his warm damp skin.

“Much better, sweetheart, yeah,” his voice is quiet and filled with gratitude, his hand finds yours. “C’mere.”

You obey, facing him, and the smile on his lips is so tender and kind as he brings his hands to brush wet strands of hair away from your face. He frames your jaw - an already familiar gesture before he leans in for a kiss. It’s deep, warm and unhurried, and oh so sweet. You melt into it, moaning softly at the gentle touch of his tongue that still lingers when your lips part. He leaves a trail of feathery kisses along your jawline before nuzzling into the crook of your neck, his strong arms wrapping you in a tight hug. You hold each other for a while, enjoying this intimate moment of warmth and comfort. Julian’s hands slowly roam over your body, fingers brushing along the curve of your spine. He presses a kiss against your sternum, then further down your body, until he’s on his knees in front of you. His tongue gathers a few drops of water on your lower belly, the warmth of his breath dangerously close to your center.

“Wait, Julian,” you breathe out, and he looks up at you with glossy eyes, head tilting to the side. “It’s not about me, okay? It’s about you. You had a tough day, and I wanted to take care of you…”

“But you already did, sweetheart,” he smiles. “I-I wanna do this, okay? Wanna taste you. Will you let me?”

“Julian Kaye,” you giggle softly, carding your fingers through the damp strands of his hair. “You’re… absolutely unbelievable.”

He chuckles against your skin as he urges you to press your back against the tiles, placing your leg over his shoulder. A couple of kisses on the inside of your thigh, and then this sweet and greedy tongue of his dips between your folds, and you’re gone, because it’s heaven. No one does it better, apparently because he really enjoys it, and it doesn’t take long for him to make you come undone.

His cock is rock hard when he’s done with you, so you decide to return the favor, and he doesn’t seem to mind. Julian is more of a giver - in bed and sometimes in life as well. He knows how to make a woman feel good, how to make her feel really special, he makes it his goal every time he has sex. This is why you love having him like that - lost in his own pleasure, unable to think about anything else. Not trying to please you for a while, just letting you please him, you know he needs it. And you hope you’re making him feel special too. Because he really, truly is.

You take your time, stroking up and down his length while your lips trail over his lower belly, pressing kisses along the hipbones. The way he throbs in your hand, twitches at the swirl of your tongue against the tip is more than satisfying, and the low grunt that escapes him as you take him into your mouth feels like the best reward. You work him slowly, thoroughly, until he’s nothing but a panting mess.

“‘M gonna come,” he warns hoarsely, and you pick up the pace, hollowing your cheeks, determined to make him see stars. He comes with a ragged moan, hips jerking as he spills his load down your throat. Catching a breath, he lets his fingers gently comb through your hair before helping you get on your feet, and you share another kiss, slow, tender and loving.

After the shower, when you curl up in bed nestled against Julian’s chest, he whispers a soft “thank you, sweetheart” into your hair, and the warmth is spreading all over your body with these words.

After all he’s been through, after everything he gives to others, Julian Kaye totally deserves quiet blissful moments like this. You can’t wash away all his troubled thoughts and traumas of his past, but you can make him feel loved. And maybe one day it will cure his restless heart.

Thank you for reading!

I hope it turned out okay because I personally don’t think I’m very good at writing blowjobs xDD I don’t even intended it at first, I wasn’t even sure if there’s gonna be any sex in this story, but as you can see, my hand slipped in the end, oops. (I mean come on... being in the shower with this man and not... you know... I am weak)

#bernthirstpalooza #julian kaye x reader #american gigolo fanfiction #jon bernthal fanfiction #lucy tries to write #darlingshane

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wandering-night19 · 1 year

Text

Both @jesuisici33 and @heartstringsduet tagged me in wip wednesday. I missed out on everything this week because of work. Tuesday night was especially hellish. So have some fluff from the hospital AU of Carlos and TK’s first date! It’s long, but I couldn’t find a good cut off point.

TK has technically only worked for five hours today, but he’s drained. Sometimes case days are worse than a full shift. All he wants is to go home, shower, and snuggle under his blanket with HGTV playing in the background.

“TK!” He hears someone shout when he’s halfway to the employee parking lot. Turning, he’s surprised to see Carlos catching up to him.

“Dr. Reyes,” he says, not able to keep the shock of seeing him from his voice.

“I thought that was you. I didn’t know you worked here too.”

TK shrugs. “Just SANE cases. I just finished a follow up.”

“Oh,” Carlos says. They stand there awkwardly for a few minutes. TK plays with the zipper on his jacket while rocking back and forth on his heels. “Want to grab a coffee?” Carlos blurts out.

TK stops moving completely. He stares into Carlos’s wide brown eyes and feels himself drowning.

“Yeah, okay.”

Carlos starts breathing again, smiling brightly at him.

“Okay, good.” They continue to stand and stare for a moment. “I can drive,” he offers. “Or you can follow.”

“I wouldn’t mind another ride in the Camaro.”

They end up at Stars Cafe, a 24hr diner a few minutes from the hospital that’s frequented by all the staff. TK remembers mornings spent here after long shifts with the rest of the nurses and techs in the ER. Mornings spent crammed into the green vinyl booths, loudly reliving the craziest moments of the night complete with direct quotes from patients or family members. Large stacks of pancakes and overflowing pitchers of mimosas. TK was always given his own pitcher of straight orange juice with a straw. They’d leave bleary eyed and limp, but without the weight of whatever horrors they’d had to face.

He didn’t realize how much he’d missed the green vinyl until he was sliding into a booth across from Carlos. TK feels like it should be awkward, but for some reason it isn’t. They order coffee and TK watches as Carlos adds just one creamer while he adds four sugars and four creamers to his own.

Evening creeps into night as the sun disappears behind the city skyline casting the smaller buildings into shadow. The hum and dim of other diners ebbs and flows around them. TK switches to water when the waitress comes by to refill his cup for a fourth time. They order pancakes and scrambled eggs with bacon and toast slathered with butter.

Not once does TK call him Dr. Reyes.

When the night reaches its natural conclusion Carlos drives him back to where his car is parked.

“If you want,” Carlos starts before he can open the car door. “You could come back to my place.”

TK lets the offer hang in the air.

He could say yes. After the day he’s had letting off a little steam and forgetting about everything for awhile sounds damn near perfect. But after, he’d pick his clothes up off the floor and ignore any offers to stay the night in favor of going home to his own bed sitting cold and empty in his apartment. That story has played out a hundred times.

He doesn’t want that story with Carlos.

Instead TK says no and watches Carlos’s shuttered expression, watches him close down right before his eyes.

“I really needed this,” TK tells him. “Thanks for asking me out.” Then he leans over the console, stopping just long enough for Carlos to pull away, before kissing him.

It’s soft and warm and everything TK imagined it would be. It takes every ounce of control he has not to climb over into his lap as Carlos’s hand comes up to grip the back of his neck.

He pulls back before the kiss can get away from them. Biting his lip to stop from letting a stupidly big smile form he gets out of the car.

“Text me,” he hears Carlos say just before he shuts the door. With a little wave, TK climbs into his own car giggling to himself as he runs his tongue over his bottom lip. He swears he can still taste Carlos.

It’s long past Wednesday so I’ll just tag some people I think will enjoy this. @whenshereads @ramblingdisaster73 @thebumblecee @lightningboltreader

#wip wednesday #late to the part like always #tarlos #tarlos fic #tarlos wip #dr carlos #nurse tk

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gretakatharinaa · 11 months

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leaving - about post-travel blues

I’ve been on five vacations this year.

Cote d’azur, Morroco tour, Berlin city trip, Italy with my mom, Mallorca with my cousin, even had a flight booked to Portugal that I couldn’t take and also still thinking of flying to Paris for a lost weekend.

In between those trips, I would either work at the city I study in or take the train to my hometown to see my friends and family.

In between those smaller trips, I would rent a car or book a train to see the extended family.

This year felt like I was sitting on a train for the most part.

The food in my fridge was either never enough or too much and gone bad because I had to leave again.

I’m never there and never here.

Wherever you are, I am not but at the same time I am and you don’t know.

I always seem to miss birthdays or have the most amazing time anywhere but at home.

And please do not pity me, which you probably wouldn’t have.

I deliberately chose to book each and every flight and my planner for next year is already full of ideas of where to travel even though it will be as draining and tiring as this year was.

Somehow, I feel like our generation - the generation of travelers - has become restless.

We fly or drive from country to country and meet so many new people, see new places, eat good and strange food, listen to music and feeling our hearts basically pounding out of our chests because the moments abroad are just so intense.

And then, you come home and have to settle back in to go to work, the gym or university.

You change your bed sheets and take a shower only to open Instagram and see a 15 second video of Brazil and beaches or Switzerland and skiing or Tokyos fast life and then, new ideas hit you, new cravings arise.

Obviously, I won’t dare to speak for everyone. All I know, is that the craving doesn’t stop.

We crave new adventures, new people, new places.

Who wouldn’t?

But the constant rush we get from traveling or social media or in general, the fast life, leaves us shallow and empty just when the front door closes and the travel bag gets dumped on the floor.

„You’re never happy because you’re always happy“

Relying solely on external experiences (like traveling) for happiness, a cycle of a fleeting high and built in emptiness might be created.

External pleasures do not ensure fulfillment, yet we don’t notice it because the high, the craving, the happiness feels so real when we’re traveling. The problem isn't its realness, because for the most part, this happiness is real.

It’s just lacking rootedness and foundation (Is that the same thing? I hate being redundant)

Now I'm not saying don’t travel, I’m saying be strong when you do.

You will become familiar with a sense of perpetual dissatisfaction and you will be swept off your feet.

You might experience the highest high there is and never return to it.

The paradox of "You're never happy because you're always happy" serves as a poignant reminder of the complexity of happiness.

While the thrill of constant movement and new experiences can undoubtedly bring joy, it is essential to recognize that sustainable happiness often requires a balance between external exploration and internal fulfillment.

Perhaps the key lies not just in the pursuit of destinations but also in cultivating a sense of depth, building meaningful connections, and finding contentment within oneself.

In embracing the ebb and flow of life, acknowledging that happiness is not a constant state but a dynamic journey, we may discover a more profound and lasting sense of fulfillment, even when the journey brings us back home.

There are a million more things I could say about this topic but I just got back home, my travel bag needs to be unpacked and I….well, I need to arrive.

#travelling #wanderlust #emptiness #restlessness #gen z culture #travelculture #dopamine #social media #craving #happiness

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valyrielwrites · 3 years

Text

As The Heavens Move - Chapter IV

Chapters: 4/? (Full Fic Available on AO3)

Relationships: Zhongli (Genshin Impact)/Reader

Additional Tags: Dragon Zhongli (Genshin Impact), Part-Dragon Zhongli (Genshin Impact), AFAB reader - Freeform, Reader-Insert, Set during the Archon War, Morax isn't the Archon yet, Graphic Injury, Healing, Smut, Fluff, Angst, no beta we die like guizhong, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Mutual Masturbation

The Archon war rages across Teyvat, leaving untold chaos and destruction in its wake - as you earn the ire of a Chi that has stolen your home and all you hold dear, you take solace in a contract that the Lord of Geo offers.

Morax had told you to make yourself at home whilst he went off in search of food and clothing, directing you down a golden bridge towards a small building with steam slowly curling off the roof and dissipating into the perpetual night as you approach. You enter the abode bathhouse alone, removing your shoes and cautiously pulling back the pale translucent curtain as you step inside to see a wide stone space illuminated by dainty paper lanterns and the cool moonlight glow that penetrates the ornate screen window at the back of the room.

Back home you had little more than a cramped wooden tub in front of the hearth to bathe in but here you’re suddenly struck by the luxury that the Adepti seem to enjoy in comparison to humanity, you notice the intricate carvings on the stone columns that line the room and lead you towards a heated pool in the centre that is large enough for multiple occupants, as well as a series of copper pipes that hang above the left wall and connect to a series of showers beside a tall stack of shelves to place your personal effects.

The stone tiles feel warm against your bare feet when you strip, tossing your filthy clothing to the side and turning the nozzle to watch a stream of hot water cascade from the ceiling, eagerly stepping under the shower to allow the heat to sink into your skin and untangle the knots in your muscles. You scrub off a week's worth of cave grime and sweat with a sweet jasmine fragranced soap, watching the suds trickle down into a nearby drain as you finally remember what a joy it is to feel clean.

When you’re done washing your body and hair you turn the faucet off and make your way towards the pool, sitting on the edge and slipping in with ease as you feel all the tension release in your limbs. You float there for a moment weightless, feeling so light as if you had not a care in the world, comfort washing over you with the ebb and flow of the water until you hear the sound of Morax clearing his throat from the other side of the curtain, quickly jolting upright with a splash when you realise that he’s outside.

“I’ve brought you fresh clothing and something to drink.” He calls out to you, his silhouette stark against the thin silk barrier between you. “May I enter?”

You hesitate for a second, an embarrassed flush creeping up on you as you quickly look down to check how visible your body is beneath the steam, before wading back towards the submerged ledge to sit and permit him to come in once you lie back enough that the water covers you just shy of your collarbone.

Morax ducks beneath the fabric with a self-satisfied grin dressed in a loose fitting plain black bath robe, simply held together by an unadorned piece of fabric tied at the waist, too large even for his immense body as he brings a basket in one hand and tray in another. You can’t help but watch him closely as he walks past you barefoot, absent minded as you turn your head to follow as he walks towards the shelf, his relaxed stride drawing your attention more than you would care to admit.

“You’re staring at me.” He acknowledges you with a grin over his shoulder as he places what he was carrying down. “Have I done something to offend?”

“No,” You laugh a little. “I just thought that you look different with clothes on.”

Morax can’t help but chuckle to himself, shaking his head slightly as he stands up straight again and turns to face you properly now, no longer interested in dancing around the subject with you after discovering his new intent on making his position clear.

“Would you prefer I go without?” He teases.

Your heart almost stops when you meet his gaze from across the room, his golden eyes betraying his humorous tone when you see past the playful mask and catch that serious look underneath.

“I - I have no preference.” You reply, trying not to give yourself away too fast.

“In that case, may I?” Morax’s fingers ghost the knot at his waist, hooking his way in but pausing just short of unfastening it as his eyes flicker over to the showers. “... Or would you prefer that I wait until you are done?”

A charged silence hangs in the air as he waits for your answer, the sound of dripping water echoing in the room as your heart screams at you to say yes despite how nervous you are now that you’re confronted with the fact that you actually want him to stay.

“Go ahead,” You manage. “... I’ll turn around.”

“There’s no need to preserve my dignity, you’ve already seen all there is to me,” He smiles and pulls the fabric ever so slightly, loosening his robe to expose his torso and stopping just shy of revealing more. “But for the sake of your comfort I shall not take offence if you choose to look away.”

He wasn’t wrong. You had seen it all before when you cared for him in the cave, even though you always tried your best to forget his nakedness out of consideration for the limited privacy you both had in that situation, it still felt different once you were equally as exposed as him.

You purse your lips together and take a deep breath as you wordlessly turn to face the opposite wall, an anxious flutter rising in your chest when you hear the shuffle of his robe dropping to the floor and the soft sigh of relief as the showers release a jet of hot water upon his aching muscles, unsure of how to navigate the way he makes you feel all of a sudden.

“It’s been a long time since I last visited this place,” He laughs to himself as he lathers up the soap in his hands, “Yet every time I come here I am struck by the ingenuity of Cloud Retainers inventions, there’s no hot spring inside the domain and yet the water remains so pleasant.”

“It was much needed after the week that we’ve had.” You reply, relieved that he’s changing the subject.

“Quite.” Morax’s eyes trail your back as you continue to face away, amused as he begins to wash himself. “I hope that it’s to your liking?”

“It’s impressive. Your friend did an excellent job.”

“I’ll be sure to convey your approval when I next see her.”

“Will she appreciate us using her bathhouse without asking?” You point out. “You said she doesn’t like guests, so surely she has even less patience for people that weren’t invited?”

“She will begrudgingly permit you for my sake and, if need be, I shall give you a sigil of permission so you may come and go freely in the lands of the Adepti.”

“I don’t want to offend anyone.”

“You won’t,” He reassures you. “I will take responsibility for our intrusion and make any necessary amends, and in return I’m certain that she will assist me in cleansing the edge of Bishui Plain.”

“You’re going back?”

You reflexively turn your head to look back at him in surprise, the splash of water giving your sudden movement away as you meet his expectant gaze, soap slowly meandering across his torso to follow the curve of his muscles that lead down to his hips and more. Your stomach flips when he grins back at you, inviting your carelessness to continue as he makes no attempt to cover himself from your longing eyes, almost as if this was the response that he wanted more than anything else.

“I thought you weren’t going to look?” He teases you again.

“Well I am.” You laugh defensively. “... and don’t change the subject, you’re going to clear the area?”

A solemn look shadows across his face ever so slightly as he lets out a deep sigh, pushing his damp hair back and breaking his gaze with you only for a moment to turn the shower off before he heads back towards the shelf to retrieve two cups of wine, water dripping off him as he makes his way towards the pool and sets them down.

“... I lacked the ability to handle it there and then, so will return once the necessary arrangements and wards can be made.” He brings his hand up to the dark pink mark across his shoulder and lightly taps where the most severe of his burns had once been, the wound closed but still tender and scaled to the touch. “... And as much as my people need me back home, I cannot leave your people to suffer the consequences of my actions.”

“It wasn’t your fault, from where I was standing it looked like kill or be killed,” You reply, frowning as you recall the way claws and searing flames carved their way into flesh.

“Such is the way of war,” Morax sits at the edge a few feet away from you, allowing his legs to dip into the water as he nods as if to agree. “Yet I can’t help but find it regrettable all the same.”

“So why do you fight then?” You ask softly, leaning against the edge to look up at him as you reach for your cup. “I know you wouldn’t explain before but…”

He pauses for a moment, as if he’s still not sure if he should give the answer that you seek, taking a thoughtful sip of wine and leaning back on his arm whilst he muses the idea.

“I wish not for dominion…” He states plainly, staring off into an unimaginable distance at a hope beyond your years, before he turns back to look at you intently with those captivating golden eyes. “Yet I cannot watch the common folk suffer, so I made a promise to cleanse the land and defend our safe harbour - this was my first contract in Liyue.”

His expression softens at the last sentence, all the sincerity he has for his own people shining through that resolve as he watches for your reaction, not sure why he was so hesitant to share it with you in the first place. He doesn’t seek glory or prestige, nor riches or pride - you know now that it is his unwavering commitment to lasting peace for Liyue that will carry him through to the end.

“So you have to win in order to honour it.” You smile sadly, understanding now the weight of responsibility that lies on the man before you.

“Or die trying.” He lets out a dry laugh.

“My god is already dead, so I know what it’s like to go without that certainty.” You tell him, shuffling across the ledge to get closer. “But with you? I know that you can do it.”

“I’m flattered you think that much of me.”

“You’ll build a more peaceful and prosperous Liyue as an Archon,” You reach out and place your hand over his, giving him a reassuring squeeze before quietly trailing off. “Maybe not in my lifetime but… ”

He looks relieved to hear your confidence in him, but saddened that you trust in the future that you’ll never get to see, his shoulders slumping slightly as he turns his hand over and slots his fingers in between yours.

“Time is cruel to mortals, isn’t it?” He sighs.

There are countless things that escape the brevity of human life - infinite sounds, sights, and opportunities that lie just beyond your mundane reach - and yet the thing that you want most of all in this moment is so devastatingly close… All you have to do is admit to it.

“So enjoy me while you can.”

Morax’s eyes widen slightly at the implication of what you’re saying, neither of you able to look away from the other as he places his cup down and carefully slides into the pool to join you. The water comes to rest just below his chest as he sits on the ledge, letting go of your hand to lift his arm back to rest it behind you, his ribs brushing up against your shoulder as he settles in place.

“It’s tempting.” He chuckles softly, giving you that same fond look he had when you first entered the abode together. “At least there’s nothing to disturb us here.”

“You mean Qingce?” You lean into him, tilting your neck back slightly to keep his gaze as you laugh. “I’d give anything to see you teach that monster a lesson.”

“Anything?”

“Hmmm.”

“You shouldn’t say things like that so carelessly in front of a God,” Morax’s eyes flash as his warm smile melts into a devilish grin. “What if I took advantage of you?”

“Would you?”

“I already have.” He teases, bringing his other hand up to tenderly stroke your hair back behind your ear. “You’ve been nothing but generous since the moment we chanced upon one another, so the least I could do is handle that pest for you.”

“Is there nothing more that you would want in return?”

“You wish to make a contract with me?” He asks.

“If it means that you’ll actually do it.” You answer.

You can feel your heart swell in your chest as your throat tightens, a sense of immense relief washing over you at the fact that this means that your people might finally be free.

“I would need to remove the Chi from the area in order to cleanse it anyway,” He admits, his eyes slowly trailing down your face as he considers his next words carefully. “... Although there are a great many things that I desire from you, there’s no need to incentivise me further when we already stand to mutually benefit.”

“Things?” You ask, your breath catching in your throat. “Such as?”

“This.” He replies with a whisper, bringing his thumb up to trace the outline of your lips when he leans in ever so slightly, his longing eyes half lidded as your heart jolts at his touch.

Your whole body burns for him when you feel his fingers weaving through your hair, the lingering taste of wine flowing sweet against your tongue when you finally feel him capture your lips with his own, surrendering yourself to a kiss so hedonistic and unrestrained that you can’t help but let out a soft moan as you return his gesture in kind.

You barely have a moment to think or catch your breath, aware that once you start there’s no going back to how things were. You’ve never lain with a man before, never fallen in love or been kissed, and yet here you are at the mercy of a God that would have all of you in one night as long as you allow it - but for him, and only him, you will.

“Morax…”

Gasping as you turn and slide your hands up the length of his body, you wrap your arms around his neck and pull him closer, desperately clinging onto him as you pine for more when you feel him run his tongue across your lower lip and release a strained groan into your mouth.

There’s something so intimate about the way he holds you, his other hand quickly dropping down to grasp your waist below the water, drawing your figure flush against his own as you melt into his touch completely. Just like all the times he held you in the cave and on the shoreline, it feels so natural, so right for him to have you like this - his breath hot and unsteady as he moves down to nip at your neck, gently biting and drinking you in as he leaves his mark right at the crook where he has rested his weary head so many times before.

“I want this,” His voice is ragged as he opens his dazzling eyes and catches his breath, his hand almost trembling in anticipation as he slowly brings it up to cup your bare breast. “... I want you .”

Your stomach flips as the words fall from his mouth, watching as he gradually lifts his head back up to meet your ardent gaze, his eyes glowing with an aureate light that reminds you of how wonderful and inhuman he truly is.

“Everything you want, it’s yours…“ You whisper, aching for him to kiss you again, saying everything that he desperately wants to hear. “I’m yours.”

Forget the heavens, the war, and the Chi that threatens your home… In that moment all you can think of is how desperately you need him without and within.

So when Morax moves with certainty as he leans in to kiss you again, you surrender to it - his lips forceful and demanding as you tilt your head back to meet him, a guttural groan tearing from his throat as he slides his hands down to your hips to effortlessly lift you up onto his lap.

“Have you ever done this before?” Morax asks quietly between breaths.

“... No.” You admit with a shy smile, a nervous flutter rising in your stomach.

He tilts, resting his forehead against yours and sighing deeply as if to steady himself before he continues, bringing his lips to yours again with a little more restraint this time - although his hands still wander down as you tenderly lean into him.

“Then I’ll go slow,” He mutters as he pulls back a little, your chest heaving in anticipation as he edges closer.

Morax’s eyes flash brighter when he hears the way your breath hitches, hand slowly moving to your core to find the exact point that he needs to be, a satisfied gasp escaping your throat once you feel his forefinger pressing firm against your clit as he circles at an agonising pace.

“I wonder…” He whispers, “Does this please you?”

“Oh - ” You moan softly, voice catching in your throat as your head rolls forward to rest beside the scar across his shoulder.

“Answer me.” He pauses, teasing you as his movement stills when he turns his head and brings his mouth to your ear. “I want to hear you.”

“Please don’t stop.” You plead, laughing to yourself at how easily riled up you are, letting out a little content hum and rolling your hips forward to meet him when he resumes.

It feels so surreal that he’s touching you like this, a steady rhythm quickens at the sound of your heady moans and an unfamiliar tightness builds deep within until it can find an inevitable release, your arousal gathering as you finally feel him slide a finger inside.

“Oh?” He smiles as you keen, “It seems that you’re enjoying yourself.”

You hold onto him as best you can, hands curling around his biceps as you pant against him, his muscles carved like fine marble as you reflexively tighten your grip every time you feel a spark of pleasure.

“What about you?” You hum against him, your hands slipping down to his waist, fingers tentatively stroking across his abdomen as if asking for direction.

You feel something firm press up against your thigh as he adjusts his position underneath you, coaxing out a relieved grunt at the sensation that the friction offers, leaning forward to kiss you again. You cast your gaze down to take another look at him through the water and even though you are already aware of how well endowed he is, you’re still a little flustered at the sight of his hardening cock - unable to hide how turned on his is around you when you’re like this.

“You can touch me.” He permits, leaning back against the pool wall as he slows his momentum and smiles again.

“How?”

“I’ll show you,” He replies, using his spare hand to guide you, a content sigh escaping his throat as he wraps his hand about yours and places it around himself. “Don’t worry about being gentle.”

You’re completely out of your depth - having never done this before, you have no idea what he would like - but Morax doesn’t seem to care, taking his time to show you what to do at your own pace.

“Grip a little tighter,” He instructs, cock twitching at your touch when you grasp him more firmly. “Yes... Just like that.”

Your motions are a little clumsy at first as you try to find a rhythm, watching closely to gauge his reactions as you slowly stroke up towards the tip, his hand still ushering yours as he tilts his head back against the tile and furrows his brow with a satisfied hum.

“Keep going.” He murmurs.

Soon enough you’re matching his movements - confident enough to do it alone as he brings his hand back up to your nape to pull you in for another kiss - all while his fingers are still buried inside you, curling against your walls to coax you along as his thumb dances across your clit, wanton moans rolling from your tongue with every wave of pleasure that builds within.

He sharply sucks in air when your strokes become erratic, black and gold lines beginning to trace his arms as his hips pushing upwards to meet your touch, breaths ragged as he groans into your mouth and you come utterly undone - head thrown back, spine arching in ecstasy as your orgasm shudders through your body. Your hand stills as you give yourself over to the sensation, still gripping him tight at the tip and releasing a wracked sob as your gratification reaches its peak, Morax not slowing as he rocks his hips into your hand and watches you fall apart so perfectly.

He watches in awe as you come down, chest rising and falling as that desperate look etched onto your face melts away into bliss when he takes his fingers out and caresses them featherlight against your clit again, making sure to drag out the feeling until it becomes overbearing.

“Morax -” You choke out, still trembling as the adrenaline courses through you.

You have never felt so exhilarated before - unable to believe that it’s real, that a God would bestow such a tremendous gift upon you, that you never want this moment to end.

“That was…”

“Do you need a moment?” He chuckles, withdrawing his hand to rest it at your hip as you lean forward and drop your head back onto his shoulder.

You sit completely still, catching your breath as you try to muddle through your thoughts and find something to say even though he already knows the gratitude that you want to convey, your hand still wrapped around his length.

“I need you.” You honestly reply, lips ghosting his collar as you carefully run your thumb across his sensitive tip.

Morax can’t help but tilt his neck back in response, an impassioned groan rising low in his throat as he tries and fails to keep it together, bringing his hands up to cup to the back of your head and pull you in for another fervent kiss.

“Careful,” He warns, his jaw tightening every time your hand slides up the shaft of his cock. “Or I might get carried away.”

“Is that a promise?” You ask playfully, inching yourself forward on his lap.

Nothing else in this world feels more urgent or real than what stirs between you, so much so that you almost don’t notice the lanterns dimming until they cut to black - his hungry eyes the only light left in the room as he suddenly stops.

“What was that?” You pause, pulling back a little to look nervously around the room.

A low rumble sends ripples across the water as the mountain begins to quake as the artificial moonlight extinguishes outside the bathhouse, leaving you clutching Morax tightly as darkness envelopes you both. You feel uneasy as he stretches his head back in frustration, letting out an irritated huff of air and closing his eyes as he takes one last moment to enjoy your touch, and allows your grip on him to slacken when he goes to remove your hand.

“Get dressed and make yourself presentable.” He sighs and offers you a disappointed smile, the glow in his eyes and the marks across his arms fading.

“Morax?”

He doesn’t answer you straight away, instead leaning in to press one last reassuring kiss against your lips before he coaxes you off his lap and goes to stand, water pouring off his body as he holds out his hand and encourages you to follow him. You hear clunking mechanisms echo through the domain as you pull yourself up onto the ledge, careful not to knock over what was left of your forgotten wine in the dark, waiting apprehensively as Morax brings you a towel to cover yourself with as the lanterns flicker and relight.

“I apologise,” He explains as he dries himself, the outline of his erection still visible beneath the white cloth even though the rest of his aroused features seemed to have calmed. “It seems our host has arrived earlier than I anticipated.”

“Host?...“ You ask, taking a second to process what’s happening before you realise what he means.

The sound of grinding stone carries in the air, followed by the shrill call of an angered crane as an incensed voice calls out:

“What fool dares trespass upon mine abode? A thief that covets adeptal treasures? Or perhaps a careless vagrant that paid no heed to the sign at the doorway?”

Your heart almost stops, quickly snapping your head to look towards the entrance of the bathhouse and then back at Morax in shock - having almost forgotten that you were uninvited occupants in someone else’s home as you had allowed yourself to be carried away.

“Is there no third option?” Morax raises his voice to a shout, moving to towel dry his hair as he points his head towards the ceiling. “What of an old friend and his companion seeking a place to recuperate after battle?”

At first his reply goes unanswered, silence filling the domain as you move closer towards him and allow him to wrap his arm around your waist, a wave of embarrassment and fear washing over you as you wait for what feels like an eternity before the voice responds.

“... Rex?”

All the sternness in her tone simply sheds away as you hear nothing but abject relief from the Adeptus, realising that he’s alive and well after days of uncertainty - you remembered how afraid your people had been when your God left and never returned, so it only makes sense that Morax’s allies must’ve felt much of that same sense of dread when he disappeared. You get the sense that this is the voice of someone that has already lost so much in this war, and could not bear to part with more.

For a second your mind wanders to home - to the fact that your parents must also be terrified that something has happened to you - but find comfort in the fact that because of Morax, because he is a man of his word, you will be reunited once more.

“... Rex, is that really you?” She asks one more time.

“I apologise for being unable to contact you Cloud Retainer, I shall come up shortly to explain if you would grant me an audience.” He shouts up again.

“Of course My Lord, one shall make the necessary arrangements to greet you.” She replies with an air of approval.

You let out a little soundless laugh at how aloof she appears to be, swallowing nervously at the prospect of having to face her. Morax picks up on your hesitancy, sliding his hand down to the small of your back as he turns your body to face him, his steady breath against yours as he leans in again and tenderly strokes your cheek.

“Should I stay here?” You ask.

“Don’t worry, she won’t bite.” He grins. “I will go first to smooth things over, you can come up and introduce yourself when you’re dressed.”

“Will she be mad that we used the pool without asking?”

“No, although I suggest we leave out the part where I …” He laughs and allows his sentence to trail off and hang in the air, giving you a knowing look as he squeezes you in a little closer, with nothing but the fabric of your towel keeping you apart.

“Got interrupted?” You tease, wrapping your arms around his neck and gazing up at him longingly.

“Don’t remind me.” He shakes his head with a self deprecating laugh.

“I’m sorry we didn’t get to finish.”

“We didn’t get to finish yet .” He corrects you, voice low and laced with certainty, eyes flickering back to your lips for a half second. “You told me that I could have everything that I wanted, so for as long as you will allow, I will make sure to enjoy you to the fullest extent - even if I must wait a little longer...”

But you don’t want to wait.

Your hands roam down to his chest, fingers skirting across his skin as you press your lips against his collar and make it clear that you are still eager to continue yet, the moment your hands reach for his length, he stops you - pulling away with a grin as he goes to retrieve his robe.

“I’ll see you upstairs.”

He sighs and slides his arms into the sleeves, tying the sash at his waist as he walks toward the entrance and leaves you wanting, turning back to look at you with pining eyes one last time before departing beneath the silk curtain.

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party-lemon · 2 years

Text

Some of my favorite excerpts from Tom Bryant's Not the Life It Seems: The True Lives of My Chemical Romance (Part 12)

"Gerard said they felt like they were drowning and burning at the same time. He said he would haunt the house, like one of the undead, barely showering. One week, he says he didn't even bother to get out of his pyjamas and had to resist the tempatation to simply walk into The Paramour's pool and hold his head underwater until he could no longer breathe.

At their lowest ebb, though, they reached a turning point. One night at 4 a.m., two weeks after Mikey's departure, Gerard heard Ray playing around with a song then called 'The Saddest Music in the World.' Gerard says Ray would often play alone late at night at that time and that 'it sounded like he was fighting his guitar, frustrated that he couldn't play our songs.' This time, Gerard joined him. The two of them started working on Ray's music while Gerard emptied into it his fears and frustration about Mikey.

And then something magical began to happen, something they both felt. It was as if Gerard's feelings about his brother had been the cork that was blocking their creativity. Once he let those feelings out with Ray, music began to flow once more. It was an important moment and they both knew it. They went to bed in the early dawn, drained but with a feeling they finally had something."

#mcr #my chemical romance #tom bryant #not the life it seems #gerard way #ray toro #the black parade

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missdrarrydawn · 3 years

Text

------------ Occupy My Heart ------------

Draco Malfoy x fem!Reader

warning: implied smut, brief mentions of drinking

~~~

written for the lovely @leydileyla who offered me this absolute gem of a prompt that I simply couldn't pass up

hope you enjoy hon :DD

~~~

You were really starting to feel the buzz of the Butterbeers a few hours into the Interhouse party that was thrown for all the returning eighth years. You're such a horrible lightweight, Butterbeer is just vaguely alcoholic, if at all. It warmed you up and left a pleasant tingle in its wake. Just enough to let the music and lights around you blur and blend, to ripple against your skin and soothe. The smell of the ale cookies served at various tables scattered around the one conjoined common room for all the Houses now wafted through the thick, cloying air, between meandering bodies of various dancing students, all the scents making your head spin from where you were sitting at the little makeshift bar.

The party's been wilding on way past curfew but no teachers arrived to interrupt you yet so it was fair game. Everything felt so liquid and pleasant, the atmosphere sticking to your slick skin, the warmth and haze prickling at the back of your neck.

Gods you needed a shower. Perhaps you might sneak away to have a quick one? The party showed no signs of slowing down and you were drained.

As you pushed away from the bar, colors still swimming before your eyes from all the sparkle and decorative banners strung up everywhere, you felt a shiver run down your spine.

You felt eyes on you.

Turning about to find the possible culprit, you registered a flash of platinum blonde hair in a darkened corner and the piercing glow of silver eyes lingering on you.

Draco.

A chuckle rumbled from your chest as you allowed yourself a moment to revel in his gaze before melding into the throng of people, sliding between them, trying to remember whether your dorm was the door on the left or the right upstairs. It wouldn't do to barge into someone else's dormroom.

As you made your way along you still felt pins and needles in your back, as if someone was keeping pace with you. Goodness, that was incredibly paranoid, wasn't it? You vowed to yourself to never drink Butterbeer again. Even slightly tipsy you were a disaster.

Finally you got through everyone and into the quieter part of the room, where all the dorms were. There were only a few people milling about there, stumbling off to their rooms with whoever they pulled or to retch or simply pass out.

The beat of the music was muffled here, no longer a steady, beating ebb flowing through your skull, now more resembling a foggy memory. It was easier to think, to breathe. You've never been much of a party animal, but this one was important. It celebrated unity and the war being over, it celebrated those who lived and fought. It mattered to attend. After Hogwarts rebuilt and reopened, the first thing that changed was the system of the four houses, headmistress McGonagall had dismantled it entirely after witnessing how horrific segregation could be.

Everyone was thrown in one mixing pot, which had been strange at first, but throwing a party like this really helped scrub out the imaginary lines in the sand everyone had drawn between themselves.

Speaking of scrubbing, you finally arrived to your dorm and basically collapsed through the door in your quest for a shower. Where was the bathroom door again? Ah right, over there, of course.

You slipped through, the bright Lumos having you squint for a second while your eyes adjusted from the dim haze of downstairs to the sparkling clean of tile.

Right. You closed the door behind you and began to undress, your clothes peeling away from the sweat plastered all over you from all the vigorous dancing you'd done.

As you kicked off your shoes and set your bare feet on the cold floor, a distinct icy chill ran up your legs and through the rest of you, shivering away the brittle buzz you'd worked up, cooling you down.

Once your clothes were a discarded pile on the floor, you stepped into the shower and pulled the fogged glass door shut, fiddling with the taps before a spray of warm water finally hit your face and shoulders.

What a relief.

You began to scrub and lather yourself up, cleaning off the night with the water sluicing down your skin, your mind starting to wander as you relaxed into the moment more. Warm showers were a treasure.

Draco was staring at you back there. For a brief second you made eye contact before you left. Did that mean something? You felt silly for wanting to know but that boy has occupied the vacant spaces of your heart for far too long now, and you couldn't help but hope that his intense, focused gaze meant something more.

As you began washing your hair, a knock on the door startled you out of your skin. You almost poured shampoo into your eyes for heaven's sake!

"Um—occupied?" you yelled out, hoping to be heard over the gush of water. If someone needed the bathroom urgently then they could come in to use it, it's not as if anyone would see you in your birthday suit, but if it wasn't urgent then they could find another one.

"Ahh, Y/N, it's—uh, it's me! I was just wondering if you were okay?" a familiar voice from the other side of the door spoke up.

You knew that voice. It was so familiar. Who—

You felt every bit of you freeze as your brain spat out the answer for you.

Draco. It was Draco.

Checking up on you.

What should you do now? Your heart began hammering away quicker, this was hardly the time or place to flirt or attempt seduction and—

Well. As you considered the statement that just flittered through your mind you found it not entirely true.

You were naked after all, naked and wet. What more perfect scenario for seduction did there exist?

"I'm okay Draco, um—you can come in?" you yelled back, lips stretching into a smile. Technically he shouldn't be here at all, seeing as these were girls quarters and all, but if he's been invited it shouldn't be too much of an issue. If he accepted, that was.

There was silence for a few beats, the moment dragging on, you almost thought you'd scared him off, but then—

The soft, distinct click of the door being opened and shut.

Bingo.

Now, how exactly would you do this? You supposed you could ask him to get you a towel when you were done, and let him have a glimpse.

Merlin it sounded corny as all fuck, but you were prepared to do what it takes.

Until then though, you supposed you should talk about anything, keep the atmosphere up.

You could just barely make out his tall, foggy outline through the sliding glass of the shower, and you watched him move to sit down on the toilet seat.

Wait a second—if you could partly see him, did that mean he could partly see you too?

That was even more perfect.

"Hi Draco, you like the party?" you threw out the question casually, hoping to lessen the strangeness of the situation. You and him were friends, well, acquaintances more so, so it's not as if you've never spoken berore, but still. This was way different from any interaction youve had prior. "Thank you for checking up on me."

"Ahh ahem—no problem Y/N, you seemed a little tipsy back there so I uh—I thought you might—Well yea." he stumbled through his words, hardly even finishing the sentence properly.

That was—quite uncharacteristic of Draco Malfoy. He was always the one with the silver tongue, the sharp remark, had a comment to spare for anything, and to hear him stutter and hiccup his way through speaking as if he were a nervous school girl talking to her crush was very new and strange.

You'd be lying if you said it wasn't endearing as all hell though.

You could have a lot of fun with this.

"I see I see. I did build a bit of a buzz but nowhere near as bad as some of the other characters around this place. I mean, did you see Zabini strip his shirt off and then dance on the tables? Goodness." you simply continued along, as if this were a casual conversation and you weren't naked and washing out your hair.

"Haha, yeah, yes, Blaise will have one hell of a hangover tomorrow." Draco chuckled, though it sounded breathy and rough, somehow.

You were almost done now.

"Parvati will too, say, could you brew a vial of that potion of yours, for hangovers, for her? She's my roommate and I loathe to hear her whining tomorrow. You're the best at it, after all." You let your voice linger above the spray.

This time, Draco audibly spluttered and you saw a flurry of blurred movement, which eased a laugh past your lips.

"Um—yea, of—of course. I can do that. Um, Y/N isn't this—I don't know, a little strange?"

He sounded so thoroughly flustered, which really got you hoping. The stares, checking up on you, doing you favors, getting flustered by the situation, hm.

Hm.

It was worth a shot anyhow, right?

Time for a new plan.

Another chuckle rattled through your ribs. This was insane.

You grabbed the handle of the door and slid it open just enough to lean your head through. You could finally get a good look at him. He was sitting on the toilet seet, his entire face splotched and flushed all down his neck, wringing his hands and bouncing his leg.

When he heard you slide the door open he turned his head abruptly and you heard his breath hitch as he got a look at your face and shoulder sticking out, his eyes sliding from your eyes to your lips, lower still, to your neck and collarbones and—then he remembered himself and turned away abruptly.

"I'm sorry! Oh Merlin, are you—are you done? Do you uh—need a towel or—?" He began to ramble all in one breath and you just continued smiling fondly at his turned back.

"Oh Draco, won't you come in here with me already?"

You held out your hand and patiently waited. You could imagine this would be quite a fallout.

Draco stood completely still when the words left your mouth. One minute, two minutes, three—

The water drying on your skin while more sprayed down had gooseflesh rising all over you. Still, you waited.

"Um—what?" Draco whimpered eventually, voice giving out on him at the end there.

"You heard me." you assurred him.

The hum of running water was the only sound bouncing off the walls again, the very faintest echo of music from downstairs lilting through the closed door.

Draco turned to face you again, he looked wrecked. Eyes wide and dark, his pupils basically swallowing the silver irises, hair disheveled, breath coming in gentle pants.

"You want—?" he mumbled, his voice betraying his own hope and eagerness.

"Yes. For a while." your own smile widened, and for a second a pang of anxiety struck you as you realized he was about to see you naked, but it all dissipated into pooling heat and want as you watched him slowly reach for the first button of his mint green button up shirt and slide it loose. His wide eyes never left yours and you watched the slight tremor in his fingertips as he freed every button, one by one, until his shirt opened and slid off his shoulders, fluttering to the floor.

God he's delicious. All lean, well defined Seeker's physique, the pale marble of his skin an endless expanse. You let your eyes wander, drink in the sight, slide across his chest and lower, over his taut abdomen, hanging up on the waistband of his pants. An outline pushed against the seams there, your mouth watering at the visible bulge.

"Me too." he mumbled, as if you needed any more proof or reassurance of his desire, his hand slowly reaching for his zipper now.

Oh what a lovely party it's been indeed and it was about to get so much better.

~~~

Fin.

#x reader fic #hp fanfic #draco malfoy x fem!reader #party #getting tipsy #showers #implied smut #brief mentions of drinking #tipsy!reader #protective!draco #humour #seduction #getting together #long post

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maknaesdancersrappers · 4 years

Text

the truth about you.

⁕ commission ⁕

warnings » smut (explicit sex scenes; oral, fingering, corruption kink), language (repetitive use of profanities), themes (friends with benefits, underage drinking, pregnancy scare), angst (please have a fluff fic ready to read after this one)

genre » high school!au, fwb!au

word count » 25k

playlist » link

dedicated to » jae ♡ ; thank you so much for commissioning this fic, it was draining to be honest, but i’m happy of how it turned out and i’m glad you enjoyed it.

+ timeline is a bit messy, but hopefully none of you catch it ㄟ( ▔, ▔ )ㄏ

terminology » yakgwa (korean honey cookie), ssireum (korean wrestling)

The library is your safe haven. The soft murmurs, the books, the cold air — all of these brought you peace and was the most ideal studying environment for you. It didn’t matter to you if your schoolmates called you a nerd all your high school life; let’s see who’ll be graduating with honors and, hopefully, a full scholarship to Seoul National University.

The only time you didn’t enjoy the library was when midterm exams were around the corner and students were cramming at the library, rushing to make reviewers, or even learn what they should have already known had they listened during class. This was the breeding ground for one of your pet peeves: people who can’t control the volume of their voices. Why do they even bother whispering if the entire library could hear it? You especially hated those whose voices get gradually louder and louder until they’re already practically exclaiming.

You would have gone to a lesser known cafe but you’d have to pay for a drink to stay there, whereas the library allowed you to bring in your own drinks as long as they were in reusable cups or tumblers. Today, however, you were only dragged here despite it being peak cramming season because your best friend had begged you to tutor him.

“I love you with all my heart, [Y/N].” Jungwoo grabs your hands and brings it to his chest. “Only you could teach me chemistry better than Mrs. Yoon—”

“Okay, okay, I get it.” You had just arrived at the table he was able to reserve and barely put your things down before he started acting dramatic. “Just highlight which topics you don’t get—”

“Everything.” He says in one breath, pulling out the best puppy eyes expression he could muster.

“Everything?” You browsed through your chemistry notes and sighed. This was going to take longer than you expected.

Sensing your apprehension, Jungwoo grabs your hands again, “I’ll buy you lunch for two days, please!”

You sit down beside him after shaking his hands off yours and settling in, “That’s not why I’m having second thoughts, Woo. I need to study for other subjects, too.”

Jungwoo scoffs, crossing his arms and leaning away from you, “Baby, you’re top 1 of the entire batch.”

“No, I’m not.” You scowled, turning around to grab your pencil case from your book bag. As you did so, excited murmurs erupted from the table beside yours and curiously, you followed the gazes of the girls to the door that had just closed. Sitting back up, you huffed, “I would be if he wasn’t around.”

Your best friend moves his attention to the person in question and lets out a sound of acknowledgement.

Jaehyun was never your classmate, but he’d been vying for the top spot against you for years. He was the living proof that God had favorites; blessing him with brains, beauty, and brawns. Aside from being an honor student, he played for the school varsity basketball and was a substitute player for the soccer team. This guy was annoyingly handsome as well; drop dead gorgeous with flawless, fair skin.

“He’s so hot.” Jungwoo sighs, taking a second to realize what he said and looked around to make sure only you had heard. “You know I was classmates with him freshman year, right? After gym, all the guys would shower in the locker room and I could confidently tell you that he’s packing—”

“Jungwoo!” You scolded, raising your voice just loud enough to get hushed by the librarian and everyone turns their heads towards you. You mouthed an apology and bowed your head, feeling your cheeks heat up in embarrassment. Of all the places your eyes could fall onto, it had to be on Jaehyun, who by the looks of it, was amused at what had happened. “I hate you.” You whispered to Jungwoo.

“Sorry. At least everyone’s a lot quieter than earlier.” He gestures to your notebooks, “Let’s get started. You know I can’t fail chemistry.”

Before you could open your notes, Jaehyun is looming over your table and leaning on one arm.

“Hi, Jungwoo.” He greets, flashing that infamous dimpled smile.

“The last time we spoke was during freshman year.” Jungwoo points out, unaware he sounded rude, but Jaehyun didn’t seem fazed by it. In fact, he seemed to agree with the statement.

“Do you need something?” Your peripheral vision catches some jealous frowns from the other table, “We’re kind of busy.”

“[L/N] [Y/N].” Jaehyun cocks his head to the side, “I was just wondering why you’re here during midterm season. You never study in the library during this time.”

“How do you know?” You ask, glancing at Jungwoo. He’s already ignored Jaehyun, reading through his notes.

“I like to keep my eye on the competition.”

Even this makes Jungwoo look back at him, moving his gaze back and forth between the two of you.

You stare up at him, a little dumbfounded, before your brows slowly rise up. “So you keep tabs on me?”

“I was really disappointed in myself when I was top 2, you know. But I gotta admit,” He chuckles, “It’s impressive how you were able to beat me a couple of times.”

There was something in his tone that didn’t sit right with you. It wasn’t just him being conceited about it. Is he taunting you?

“Well, it’s not a difficult feat to beat you.” You shot back.

Jaehyun smirks, clearly enjoying this squabble with you. “So you think you could beat me? There’s only two major exams left for senior year. This week’s midterm and next year’s final exams before graduation. You think you could beat me for both?”

“You can bet on it.”

“[Y/N].” Jungwoo whispers, putting a hand on your arm, “What do you think you’re doing?”

“Bet? You wanna bet on it, [L/N]?” Jaehyun straightens himself up and crosses his arms over his chest, emphasizing how tight his sleeves are on his shoulders and biceps.

You could have been swooning with Jungwoo right now but there was a flame of aggression burning in your chest at the prospect of beating Jaehyun and getting him to do something for you. “We can decide what’s at stake after the exams.”

“Deal?” He puts out one hand towards you, a confident smile plastered on his face.

For the brief second you hesitated, you thought of all the possible things he’d ask for. Bragging rights, definitely. Personal assistant, maybe? He wouldn’t ask you to do something wild like run naked during one of his halftimes, would he?

“Scared?” He pulls you out of your thoughts and you huff at him, grabbing his hand and giving it a firm shake.

“Deal.”

Jaehyun grins at you, repeating the agreement, and bids both of you a good day. Once he leaves and joins the table two rows down. Did he really skip his table just to challenge you?

“Are you crazy?” Jungwoo pulls on your arm and you wince at the pain, “The only reason that guy is an honor student and plays for two sports is because he’s competitive as fuck. Don’t you remember he got benched for the consecutive fouls he got in sophomore year because we were losing by 2 points? 2 points! And it was only the first half of the game!”

You do, in fact, remember that time. You couldn’t stay long too watch the game and ran into him while you were heading out. That was the first time you ever interacted with him, as well as putting a face to the name that stole the top spot of the honor’s list. He was visibly annoyed; silently fuming in front of the vending machine and angrily jabbing his finger at the canned iced coffee button. Curiously, you approached him to ask if it was broken and he apologizes, saying he just didn’t have change on him since he was wearing his uniform. He moves away to let you use the machine and you end up buying him one before catching the bus to your old dorm.

“I remember and so what? Do you think he’s going to cheat? He’d be expelled.” You briefly glance at your notes before glaring back at him, “Do you think I can’t beat him?”

“No.” Jungwoo shakes his head, “But what if he does? We don’t know what he would do to you.”

“I’m sure it’ll be fine.” When he opens his mouth to rebut, you quickly ask him, “What’s the atomic number of gold?”

You always entered the classroom during exams with confidence; not an ounce of panic or distress in your system, unlike the rest of the class as they scrambled to check their reviewers a few more times until the teacher came inside.

Today was a little different.

There was a heavy, upsetting feeling in your stomach all because the bet between you and Jaehyun was nagging at you in the back of your mind. You poured in a few more hours a day to review, even during your part time work at the convenience store Jungwoo’s family owns.

Speaking of Jungwoo, he looked a lot more confident than you. He was fiddling with his pencil and murmuring to himself, probably recalling the terms needed for the exam.

The teacher comes in and the whole class falls silent, sitting straight in their seats. Because you were seniors, Mr. Cho took it upon himself to give a small speech about how this exam isn’t something to worry about as he has full confidence in everyone that they’ve studied well. Of course he said this while smiling at you and you’re hoping you didn’t over-study yourself to the point of blanking out when the test papers are in front of you.

Fortunately, when he was done with his little monologue and finally passed the papers, you were able to breeze through the questionnaire once he gave the go signal to start. You were even able to go through your answers thrice until time was up. Your worries start to ebb away as the day continues on and until the last test is submitted in, you finally feel the weight over your shoulders lift.

“That was exhausting.” Jungwoo complains once he walks over to your table with his bag haphazardly hanging off his shoulder. “Why can’t there be two days for exams?”

“We had too many suspensions because of the monsoons.” You reminded him, standing up once you’ve gathered your things. “But at least it’s over. How was chem?”

He groans, hiding his face into his palms, “I messed up a few of the balancing chemical equations, but I think I did pretty well. I mean, I can only thank my wonderful tutor if I get so much as a B- on chem.”

“Aunty said she’d make yakgwa for us for finishing our midterms. Could you save some for me?”

Students were rushing out of the room, meeting their friends in the hallways to express their joy and relief that the exams were over and discussing their answers. You and Jungwoo always waited until the crowd had thinned before heading out yourselves.

“Sure. Where are you heading off to?”

Reaching your lockers, you grabbed a book and slipped it into your bag. Seeing this, Jungwoo bleats at you.

“We just finished midterms and you’re going to start studying already?”

“The next exam we have is CSAT in November. I just want to start refreshing myself since the coverage is what we’ve learned through high school. I’m not pulling an all nighter or anything.” You close your locker and adjust your bag strap on your shoulder. “Do you wanna join me?”

He makes a face at you, stepping away, “No, mom made yakgwa and I’d like to eat them as soon as possible. I’ll leave you one piece, okay?”

You swing an open palm at his arm and he flinches away, retracting his statement and promises to save you no less than 5 pieces. With that, you two part ways down the hall and you head for the library.

The silence was welcoming as you walked through the automatic sliding doors of the library. There’s a few people scattered throughout the first floor tables, maybe passing time or preparing for CSAT like you — you couldn’t possibly be the only one thinking about it, too. For a change, you head up to the second floor and find a nice corner table that was tucked away between the towering bookshelves of the periodical section.

You set your little station up, taking your pencil case, notebook, and your history book out and setting it down in front of you. Opening it up to the first page of the first chapter, you look through the words you’ve already highlighted, remembering each one while mumbling it to yourself.

“Studying already?”

You gasp, whipping your head up to the newcomer and huffing when you recognize his face. “Oh my god, Jaehyun. Can you not sneak up on me?”

He pauses for a moment before his lips grew into a little smirk, “Midterms just finished and you’re burying your nose into a textbook in the library. I feel like I shouldn’t even be surprised.”

“So I want a head start in reviewing for CSAT, what of it?” You watched him take a seat on an empty chair with disdain. “You’re here, too.”

“Yeah, because I saw you go in here after you separated with your boyfriend.”

“Jungwoo’s not my boyfriend. We’re best friends.” You quickly correct him, “So you’re stalking me?”

Jaehyun sighs, leaning his cheek on his knuckles over the table. “I’m just keeping an eye on the enemy.”

“Enemy?” You frown at him, “You think of me as your enemy?”

“Well, we’re both running to be valedictorian, aren’t we? There could be only one.”

You nod at his words, “Yeah, but I don’t think of you as the enemy. I think it’s too strong of a word.”

“Then what am I to you?”

“Some guy,” You shrug your shoulders, “Some guy who’s in my way.”

Your words make his mouth slowly drop open and you can’t figure out if he’s stunned or offended by your statement. Eventually Jaehyun scoffs in disbelief and smiles, “I’m in your way?”

“Yep.” Emphasizing your answer by popping your lips at the ‘p’, “Like you are now.”

“Am I distracting you?” He gestures to himself and items on the table.

“Obviously.”

“Good.”

You closed your eyes and heaved a heavy sigh, pinching the bridge of your nose. Glancing around, you two were practically concealed in the corner and you couldn’t see where you could move to.

“Are you really here just to annoy me?”

Jaehyun purses his lips and you scold yourself for staring at them. How could a boy have such pretty lips? They look naturally pink and plump. Even Jungwoo’s pouty puckers couldn’t come close to his.

“Unless you consider me trying to get to know you a nuisance, then yes, I am most definitely here to annoy you.”

You prop your elbow up on the table and leaned your cheek on your knuckles, “Now why would you waste your time on something like that?”

He mimics your posture, except he cradles his chin on an open palm, “What makes you think it’s a waste of my time?”

The longer he stares at you, smiling softly with his dimples just peeking through his cheeks, the more your heart beats faster. This was only the third time you’ve ever interacted with him and the most you’ve exchanged words.

“Why are you flirting with me—”

“Why not—”

“ — and don’t,” You unconsciously lean away from him and cross your arms in front of you, “answer with a question.”

Jaehyun pouts, jutting his lower lip out, and it makes you wonder how they feel like; against your fingertips, your skin… your own lips.

Unconsciously, you lick your own lips as you divert your attention down to the open book.

“Hm,” He hums, “Have you thought about what you want if you win our little bet?”

“I have.” You rest your intertwined arms on the table and straighten your back, “Are you free every Friday and Saturday nights?”

There was a sleazy grin on his face that immediately tells you he’s misunderstanding your question. He chuckles, “You don’t have to win a bet if you want to go out on a date.”

You giggle, making it sound as real as you can as you fight the urge to roll your eyes, “I’m not asking for a date, Jung.”

It was oddly satisfying to see his face fall and stutter over his mistake, the tips of his ears turning a little pink.

“I just want you to take a few shifts for me at my part-time job.” You explained, “I work at a family convenience store every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday nights, and every morning on the weekends.”

“So let’s say you do win the bet and I take over your shifts,” Jaehyun grabs your pencil case and inspects it. Seeing it in his hands makes you realize just how old and dirty it was; it’s a furry case that was a shining silver when you first got it, as if the fibers were spun out of real silver. Now it was just a light gray with its once soft fur now patchy and rough. He looks at it contemplatively, “What are you going to do on your free nights?”

“Go on dates, duh.” You roll your eyes at him, gesturing with a hand. After a few seconds of silence, you snort, “I’m kidding. I don’t go on dates — never been on one. What I’d do on my free nights is not your business.”

He looks at you like you’ve grown another head, “You’ve never been on a date?”

“N-no...” You clear your throat, “Unless you consider all the times I’ve went out on Jungwoo—”

“Is he your boyfriend?”

“No!” You hissed, “I already told you that we’re only friends.”

“Then it’s not a date.” Jaehyun says in a-matter-of-fact tone, “You go on dates with people you like to get to know them more. Wait.”

His eyes squint at you, but not in a manner of judgement. It's as if he’s trying to rack his brain for the right words to say.

“You’re a virgin, then.”

You feel your heart drop to your stomach and your cheeks burst into flames. It was purely reflex, reeling your hand and swinging an open palm across his cheek before either of you could blink. The snap of your palm on his cheek left a resounding echo in the nearly empty library and thanks to his pale skin, your handprint grows bright red right away.

It takes a second, but you realize what you’ve done and you begin to pack up your things.

“No, wait,” He grabs your wrist, “I deserve that. Don’t leave yet.”

Against your better judgement, you stayed put, although keeping your book bag on your lap.

He breathes in, “I’m sorry. That was none of my business.”

“Did I,” You move your head closer to the imprint on his face, “Did I hit you too hard?”

He raises his fingers to where you’ve slapped him, doing his best not to wince, “I’ve been through worse. You know, you’re the first girl to ever slap me.”

“Are you insinuating that you’ve done things that you should have been slapped for?” You ask in an incredulous tone, “Either way I can’t say I’m proud of it.”

“There’s nothing wrong with being a virgin, by the way. It’s your life.” He licks his lips, “So you want to wait until you’re married?”

You shrug your shoulders, “It’s not that I want to wait until I get married… it’s just… it seems daunting. How do you even know what to do?”

He stifles a chuckle, shaking his head, “It’s human nature. It’s not something you study for.”

“As someone who takes studying seriously, I don’t think I can be put into a situation where I’m expected to do something I have no knowledge on.”

Jaehyun stares at you, considering your words as he slowly nods, “Okay… would you… like to learn?”

You cock your head, thinking you misheard him, “What?”

“I’m asking you if you want to learn… firsthand… about sex.”

When you finally wrap your head around his question after a good minute, you scowl at him, “Is this some ploy for you to get laid?”

“Don’t slap me!” He leans away when you move your arm, “You said you find sex intimidating and I’m telling you it’s not. You think you have to learn to have sex, well then I’ll—”

“Offer to teach me with your extensive knowledge and skills on it?” You deadpan, pulling your lips taut into a tight line. “What makes you think I'd say yes?”

Jaehyun raises his shoulders, “Most girls would have.”

“Oh.” You say, tasting something bitter in your mouth, “So you’ve offered these kinds of services to other people then?”

“No.” He quickly denies, “Just you. Other times, it’s the other way around and before you say anything smart, no, I don’t always say yes.”

Unconsciously, you hug your bag to your chest. You barely know this boy and he’s here offering to teach you about something you have absolutely know nothing about aside from the reproduction aspect. Are you willing to bare yourself to him? You hear the rumors in the girls’ bathroom; how they say he’s good in bed and going as far as calling him a sex god. What does that make you?

“Okay, wait,” Jaehyun starts, “I’m telling you right now so you have time to think it through. I don’t wanna force you so you can say no if you don’t want to and I’ll think of something else. If I win our little bet, let me teach you about sex.”

You internally scream at yourself for even considering his offer. You made a promise that you’ll only focus on school and won’t date to avoid distractions — but what Jaehyun was offering wasn’t even technically dating. What would your parents think about their breadwinner sleeping around with some guy she doesn’t even love? What if the school finds out? How would the girls pining after him, who are undoubtedly prettier than you, treat you, the school nerd?

“I don’t have to think about,” You held your chin up, “Because I’ll be top 1.”

“How tenacious.” He muses, leaning his cheek on his knuckles..

“I can say the same about you.” You mumbled under your breath, checking your phone for the time. “Well, you’ve successfully derailed me from studying.”

He flashes a victorious grin that both gives you butterflies in your stomach and fist clenching in annoyance. “Do you need a ride home?”

“I don’t need you to know where I live.” You snap, “And if you even try to follow me, I promise to get a restraining order against you.”

Jaehyun pouts at you and you feel them again, the butterflies wreaking havoc in your core. “Fine. But I have one more question.”

“And that is?”

“Have you had your first kiss?”

You sneer at him, a little offended, “Yes.”

“Don’t tell me it’s Jungwoo.”

“And if it was?”

He presses his lips together before sighing, “Let me be more specific with that question. Have you ever kissed anyone, not with just your lips, with your mouth — tongue and all.”

You suck your teeth and gaped at him, clearly looking like a deer caught in the headlights. When you had your first kiss with Jungwoo, it was only because both of you were in high school and have yet to kiss anyone. It also served as the reason that neither of you will ever see each other as anything more than friends.

“I’ll take your silence as a no.” Jaehyun hums, “What would you do if I’d kiss you right now?”

“I’d slap you.” You answer immediately, not batting an eyelash to prove how serious you were.

He inhales sharply, “Okay, uhm, what if I asked?”

“Do you always think with your dick?”

“That’s not a no.”

“And you didn’t deny.”

You bite on your lower lip to stop yourself from smiling, looking away when his face breaks into a wide grin. What were you doing? Get a hold of yourself. But…

“I’ll admit there are times I’ve thought with my dick. Just your average hormonal teenager.”

“And I’ll admit,” You pause, “that I can’t say I’m not completely opposed to kissing you right now. Just, you know, your average curious teenager.”

He studies your face for a moment, “Yeah?” He starts scooting closer until he’s right where the corner of the table is.

“T-this doesn’t mean I’m agreeing to sleeping with you. I’m still firm with my decision of declining your offer.” You raise your hand in front of him and he takes hold of it.

“Maybe this would sway you.”

He waits for you to lean towards him, still holding your hand. His hand was soft and warm around yours, his thumb gently moving over your knuckles like it was fragile. He looks different, almost a little serious compared to the flirty, playful persona he had a few seconds ago; his eyes looked considerably darker, watching you study his face. His lips are parted, just as pink and full like always.

You nervously glanced at the opening of the little area, worried the librarian or another student would catch you two, although it was unlikely since no one really bothered going to the periodical sections.

“Don’t worry.” He whispers, “It’s just you and me here.”

“You’re not going to tell others, are you?”

With his free hand, he tucks your hair behind your ear. It was cliche and you would have pulled away or slapped his hand off, but all you could feel were the butterflies fluttering in your stomach for the third time in the past hour.

“I won’t. Whatever is going to happen stays here between the periodical section shelves.” His eyes shift down to your lips and you gulp when his tongue darts out between his.

“I… don’t know…” You’re losing your ability to speak, tuning everything out and focusing on him.

“It’s okay just follow my lead.” He guides you to lean forward, inclining your body over the table corner. His face was a few inches away, with his breath ghosting over your philtrum, but he doesn’t kiss you yet, waiting for your go signal.

When you fervently nod, he closes the gap between your faces. Just as you thought, he had soft lips; like the petals inside of a rosebud. Cupping your face, he runs his thumb over your cheekbones while he tilts his head to the side for better access. You gasp at the sensation of his tongue skimming along your bottom lip and he uses this as a chance to slip the muscle into your mouth.

It felt foreign, but also oddly nice. He tastes like bitter coffee and sweet mint combined. Without meaning to, you sucked his tongue and he let out a soft groan. Whenever you overhear someone saying how hot it is for a boy to moan, you never understood them until this moment and you want to hear more of it.

You push yourself closer to him, moving your tongue against his and fighting for dominance. Your head was spinning as if he was some hard liquor and you’re getting drunk off of him. When you feel his hand disappear from your cheek and find its way by your chest, inching towards your back, you panic and pull away.

He looks surprised and a little disappointed, nonetheless he doesn’t say anything and watches you. You’re breathless, face hot and flustered, unable to meet his gaze.

“I…” You swallowed, still tasting him on your tongue, “I need to go.”

“I…” Jaehyun nods, “Yeah, okay. Are you sure you don’t need a ride?”

“Yeah, thanks anyways…” Your hand twitches and it was only then both of you realize you were still holding hands. You retract yours first, using it to grab your bag by the strap and shrugging it over your shoulder. “Uhm, bye.”

“Y-yeah, uh, take care.” Jaehyun stays glued to his seat as you scurry off away from him. He stares back at the hand that held yours, discerning how cold it was now that you were gone. He groans, lurching forward to rest his head on his folded arms as he wills his little problem away. You looked so pure and innocent, cheeks bright pink and glowing, looking absolutely breathless from the kiss.

Meanwhile as you hurriedly walk out of the library, you swipe your tongue over your lips, still tasting the mix of coffee and mint. That was your first real kiss. Jung Jaehyun gave you your first real kiss - no, you had your first makeout session with him. You could still feel your cheeks burning at the thought, but you’re hoping it’s just your annoyance at him because he was right.

You really were considering his offer.

“Why are you so nervous?” Jungwoo grabs hold of your hand and pulls your fingernails away from your teeth. “I’m sure you’re number 1. And if Jaehyun is, then he couldn’t have betted on something bad, right? He doesn’t seem like the type.”

It’s been more than a week since the exams and the… event… at the library. It took you a day or two to go back and Jaehyun, thankfully, didn’t turn up. You didn’t tell a single soul, not even Jungwoo, who you’ve been confiding every dark secret you had to.

You both woke up early to see the results posted on the schoolyard before the other students flocked the bulletin board and it’ll be a battlefield for a chance to read the results up close.

Walking up the rickety bulletin board, you hold your breath before approaching the list for seniors on the left. You could hear your own heart beat hammering in your chest.

“Hey! I’m 53! Dang, that’s 3 spots from being top 50.” Jungwoo points at his name on the middle section of the board. “Ha! Nakamoto Yuta is 51! I just need to surpass him and these other two for the finals. How about you?”

His face drops when he sees you staring at him, crestfallen. It wasn’t hard to spot your name; there were only two spots possible for you and this time it just had to be below Jung Jaehyun’s. Your mouth feels dry as you respond to him, “I’m second…”

“Oh, [Y/N].” He comforts, pulling you into a hug. “Maybe he’ll ask for something petty?”

“Jungwoo, there’s something I need to tell you. Can we go to your club room?” You look back at the school entrance, seeing a few more students come in. Jaehyun was the few students who already had their license so it should be easy to know if he was arriving or already here.

Jungwoo was part of the board games club. You’ve sat in a few times during their club meetings since they only had a few members and it was always fun playing board games that aren’t monopoly or snakes and ladders. Their club room was one of the extra rooms under the library’s second floor that was only accessible outside, beside the anime club, and was very secluded.

He digs his fingers inside a flower pot on the window sill and fishes out a key that he dusts off before unlocking the door. You enter first while he puts the key back into the soil of the poor, harassed petunia plant.

“Jaehyun said he wants to teach me about sex.” You blurt out once Jungwoo closes the door behind him. His eyes go wide and he pretends to clean his ears.

“Come again?”

“Remember how I went to the library after midterms? He followed me there and we started talking and he kept asking these questions and — and it somehow ended up with him figuring out that I was virgin and I slapped him and then he said if he wins the bet, he’d want to teach me about sex but if I don’t want to then I can say no and he’ll think of something else.” You inhaled deeply once you let it all out like vomit.

Your best friend stares at you, visibly confused, “Wait, that’s a lot to take in… you slapped him and then he offers to teach you sex? And if you can decline it, then why don’t you just say no?”

“We kissed.”

“You what?!” Jungwoo screeches, “You kissed him and you didn’t tell me?!”

“I’m sorry! It’s just,” You shrug your shoulders before defensively crossing your arms in front of you, “you know me, Woo. I’ve never kissed — made out — with anyone before and…”

“You want more?” He finishes for you and you slump down the nearest chair.

Exasperated, you stared up at him, “Tell me I shouldn’t say yes to his offer.”

“I think you should say yes to his offer.”

You sighed in relief, grateful you had someone like him to help you — wait a minute.

“What?!”

He holds his hands up in front of him as you jumped up from your seat, “I mean, if Jung Jaehyun had offered to teach me sex, then I’d definitely say yes. Is it a friends with benefits type of deal?”

“We’re hardly friends. If I say yes, then we’re fuck buddies.” You sit back down and look at the shelves where they kept the board games. “I need time to think about it. Please help me avoid him.”

“[Y/N]...”

You put your hands to your face, “I swear I’m not running away from it. A deal is a deal. I just need a little more time to think about it.”

Out of habit, you bite on your thumb and space out. You’ll handle this situation like how you handle every decision: weigh out the pros and cons.

Pros: you’ll learn something you’ve been very curious about and your “teacher” is quite skilled according to the female populace, so you’re in good hands. It’s not a merit you want, but you can say you’ve slept with the ever popular heartthrob, Jung Jaehyun.

Cons: you could get pregnant regardless of the use of contraception and you’re prone to sexually transmitted diseases. You could get possibly addicted to it to the point it would distract you from school and ruin your chance to get your scholarship.

Where does falling in love with Jaehyun fall under?

You mentally slap yourself; no one is falling in love in this predicament.

The sound of the door opening pulls you out of your thoughts and your eyes meet with sophomore member of the board games club, Mark Lee.

“Oh! No wonder the door is open. What are you two doing here?” He nods at the two of you and you respond with a smile.

“Just needed a private place to talk.” You explain, catching Jungwoo’s gaze. “And you?”

“Oh,” Mark sheepishly scratches the back of his neck, “I was gonna skip my first class to study for recitation on my second one.”

Jungwoo puts a hand on his shoulder, “Don’t worry we all have days for that — unless you’re [Y/N].”

“Hey! I saw that you were top 2! Congrats!” He claps his hands, but eventually stops when he senses neither of you were in a celebratory mood. “Is… something wrong?”

“I was just really… betting on getting top 1. No big deal.” You wave a hand in front of you, “It’s not like being second affects my academic standing.”

“Well, if you won’t celebrate that, then let’s celebrate my birthday! I’m having a party at my place this weekend. Nothing big, just the club and a few other people.” He rubs his hands together, “You don’t even have to give me a gift. Your presence is a gift—”

Mark’s mouth forms into an ‘o’ and he snaps his fingers, “Your presence is a present!”

Maybe Jungwoo laughed out of pity while the younger nearly pissed himself in a fit of giggles, but your mind is thinking about the bet again. What were you going to tell Jaehyun?

By some miracle, Jaehyun didn’t hunt you down for your answer and you wouldn’t say you avoided him since you two never really crossed paths before. Jungwoo’s mom let you and Jungwoo off for your Saturday shifts for Mark’s party and even though he said not to get him anything, you and Jungwoo still got him something.

It was a casual gathering so you didn’t feel the need to get dressed up, however you do enjoy wearing light dresses since it was summer season, throwing a cardigan over your shoulders when the night air gets too cold on the way home. You might be a nerd, but like any other girl, you liked to put on makeup when you felt like it, but today you simply wore strawberry-flavored lip balm.

The two of you were at Mark’s place a little after six and the birthday boy opens the door with a huge grin as you both greet him.

“You’re both here! Come in!” He ushers, stepping to the side. When Jungwoo hands him your gift, he clicks his tongue, “Ay, I said you didn’t have to.”

“We can serve this, you know.” You quip and Mark cocks his head, eyes growing wide when Jungwoo finally drops the gift into his hands.

“Yo! Is this what I think it is?” He exclaims, ripping the lid of the box off to reveal a watermelon.

You’ve never seen anyone get so excited over watermelon before — but maybe that’s what makes Mark loveable. You open your arms to him for a hug and once he returns the gesture, your eyes go down the hallway and see the one person you didn’t expect to see here.

“Uhm,” You push Mark off a little hastily, “I-is that Jaehyun?”

Mark glances back to see the boy in question helping himself to the drinks on the kitchen island, “Yeah. He was my student facilitator during freshman orientation. Do you wanna meet him?”

You scowled, “Oh, we know each other. I didn’t know you two were friends.”

“He’s cool.” Mark shrugs, “Well, let’s go in! I’ll figure how to slice this up.”

“Let me. We don’t want the birthday boy to lose a finger during his birthday, now do we?” You nervously laugh, taking the large fruit away from him. You shot a nervous glance at Jungwoo and it was all he needed to know that you were finally going to talk to Jaehyun.

While Mark and Jungwoo head into the living room, where everyone was gathered, you walk to the kitchen just as Jaehyun was about to return to where everybody was. He stops in his tracks, clearly surprised to see you.

“[Y/N]?”

Hugging the melon to your stomach, hoping it crushes the butterflies before they go wild, you nod, “Hi.”

He was wearing a plain black shirt and some ripped skinny jeans; something so simple but it looked like he walked right out of a photoshoot.

“I didn’t know you know you were friends with Mark.”

“I said the same thing about you to him.” You look around the kitchen for the knives.

His eyes drag down your body and you suddenly feel self-conscious, “What are you holding?”

Finally spotting the knife rack, you smile at him, “Mark’s birthday gift.”

Walking over to the counter, you pick a knife and a chopping board before removing the watermelon from the box.

“Ah, that’s a smart gift.” He comments, appearing beside you all of a sudden that you flinch as you look up at him, “I’ve never seen anyone love watermelon so much.”

“It’s cute.” You shrugged, starting to slice the fruit up. “Congrats, by the way.”

“Hm?”

“Congratulations.” You peek up at him, “Congrats on being top 1… and winning the bet. I’m surprised you didn’t hunt me down.”

Jaehyun leans on the counter and watches you make delicate movements with the knife, “I figured you needed more time to think about it.”

“Yeah, I did.” You quietly admit, putting the knife down and starting to look for a plate to serve it in.

“So?”

Licking your lips, you swallowed, “Yes.”

“What’s your answer?” He asks, not understanding you had already given him an answer.

You spin in your heels and cross your arms, a little annoyed, “That was my answer. Yes.”

You curse yourself for melting at the sight of his lips quirking upwards and eventually growing into a huge grin.

“Really?”

“Do you want me to take it back?”

“No!” He puts a hand out, “I just can’t believe you said yes. Well, okay then. When do you want to start?”

You didn’t think this far ahead. “I have work Friday nights, weekend mornings, 6-12 noon, and Saturday graveyard shifts.”

He frowns, “You have work later?”

“No, someone filled in for me since I said I’d have a party to attend to.” You hesitated; should you tell him that you live with Jungwoo and work at his family’s convenience store? “I think they expected me to get drunk, but I don’t really drink.”

“What time do you end on Fridays?”

“10pm.”

Jaehyun purses his lips and you realize it’s a habit he makes when he’s thinking. “Then Mondays through Thursdays, after school. Whichever day you want. Basketball training doesn’t resume until next month.”

“Okay.” You slowly say, “Uhm… where?”

He blinks at you, “We can’t do it at your place? Don’t you dorm alone?”

“No!” You vehemently shake your head, “N-no, I’m… renting a room at… Jungwoo’s.”

“You live with him? Is that even allowed?”

“It’s a gray area. Don’t tell anyone.” You instinctively reach out and hold on his arm, giving it a soft squeeze. “Please don’t tell anyone.”

“I won’t.” He licks his lips, visibly having an internal debate within himself. “I guess we can do it at my place. My dad is abroad at the moment and my mom works late shifts.”

“Alright.”

Jaehyun turns around and finds two plates for the watermelon slices, arranging the fruit for you. “Great. So—”

“Wait.” You grab his wrist, “Can we keep this a secret?”

He twists his hand so he’s holding yours, “Of course. Whatever you want.” He brings your hand up to his lips and kisses it.

“This is just a,” You stare at the hand holding yours, “physical relationship, right? I mean, how long does it take for someone to learn sex.”

“Oh, baby.” He chuckles, low and slow, “You can’t learn a whole new world in a few nights. You keep learning new things every time. I’ll teach you the basics up until you have your sexual awakening.”

“And if I never have my sexual awakening?”

He leans closer, just like in the library, and his breath is just ghosting over your lips. He lets go of your hand to tip your chin upwards to him, “Then we keep trying until you do or you find someone else, but that’s a blow to my ego.”

“The next person I should be sleeping with is my boyfriend.” You inch away from him and he reluctantly pulls back from you while you pick up one of the plates, “If I ever get one.”

Jaehyun mimics you, picking up a plate and following you out of the kitchen, but stops you before you pass through the door frame. “Let’s be friends, alright? I don’t like pretending not to know someone I’ll be getting intimate with. You won’t either; I’d like to see you try to explain the sexual tension.”

“Okay.” You enunciate each syllable. “Friends, then.”

He gives you a swoon-worthy smile and you try to leave before doing so, but he stops you again. “By the way, you look really good tonight.”

You roll your eyes, the gesture making him chuckle, and continue to head into the living room, “You’re not so bad yourself.”

The rest of night plays out like how it always does when you’re at a party; you and Jungwoo are stuck by the hip, the board game club members make petty problems with each other bigger than they really are and settle it through — you guessed it — board games, non-club members were taught new board games, and it wouldn’t be a birthday party without cake — being smashed into Mark’s face.

It was a fun night. You almost forgot that you made an agreement with one of the attendees to teach you about intercourse, but you can’t deny Jaehyun had made things a lot more interesting during the evening. You caught him multiple times watching you, especially during your little victories in board games, and he’d either give you a little smile or boldly wink at you. You’re thankful no one caught you getting flustered over it, but it took you some time to calm your heartbeat.

Today was the day. You’re embarrassed about actually preparing yourself today ever since Jaehyun sent you a text the day after you exchanged numbers at Mark’s party. You woke up an hour earlier to exfoliate your body and wore the best undergarments you owned. You didn’t want to try too hard that it’ll be too obvious since you still had school.

You told Jungwoo’s mom that you’ll be home later to tutor a classmate and she didn’t find anything suspicious; you’re just hoping she’ll relay the message to your mom whenever she calls to check up on you.

Because you didn’t want anybody in school to know you were going home with Jaehyun, you had him pick you up three blocks away from the school district.

“My mom should probably be gone by now.” Jaehyun checks the watch on his wrist briefly before returning his attention to the road, “Do you wanna eat first?”

“No, I feel like throwing up.” You confessed, holding onto the hem of your school skirt.

“You know you can back out, right?” He shoots you a sympathetic smile, “I don’t wanna force you to do anything you don’t want to.”

“I know. I’m just nervous.”

“I’m not going to jump you the second we get inside. We’ll take it slowly — as slow as you want and need. We don’t even have to go all the way tonight.”

This makes you smile at him. For someone audacious enough to offer sex, one would assume he’d be a jerk, but he’s truly a sweetheart. It was wrong of you in the first place to think he was the stereotypical mean jock in a high school food chain.

“Oh, shit.” He curses under his breath, slowing the car down to a full stop in front of a simple two-story home.

Seeing that he lived in a house in Seoul was enough to tell you that he comes from a rich family, which you should have guessed already since he mentioned his father working abroad. It made you feel uneasy though, knowing you two are from completely different backgrounds.

“My mom’s still home.” Jaehyun checks his watch again, “It’s past 6, she’s late.”

Following his gaze, you see another car in the garage — another indicator of their wealth. 2 cars? Geez.

“The gates are open. She must have forgotten something?”

He doesn’t say anything, driving past the gate and parking it beside the other car. As you both unclipped your seatbelts, you see a door open in your peripheral vision and make eye contact with a young woman.

She looks a little frazzled, but more surprised to see you in the front seat of her son’s car. Getting out of the car, you bowed at her with a smile.

“Jaehyun, I didn’t know you were having someone over. Hello!” She waves at you.

“Hello.” You meekly reply, “I’m [Y/N].”

“What a beautiful name. Welcome! Had I known you were coming, I’d tidy things up more inside and made more dinner.” She frowns, putting a hand on her cheek, “Jaehyun, if the food isn’t enough you can always cook for her, yes? I don’t like having house guests being hungry.”

“I know, mom, I will. Aren’t you late for work?” He gripes, kicking the floor like a child.

She tuts at him, “I thought I left the oven on so I had to turn back around. Don’t worry about me. What are you two going to do?”

Her eyes are looking straight at yours and you answer in the steadiest voice, “Well, Jaehyun and I are the top two students and our teachers asked us to work together to help create reviewers for the upcoming CSAT.”

Jaehyun’s mom gasps, “Already reviewing for CSAT?”

“Well, it would take some time before we figure out the topics we need to focus on, compile everything, have it approved,” Jaehyun drawls, glancing at you, “Mom, aren’t you running late?”

She wags a finger at him, returning her attention to you. “Top 2, you say? My, then you’ve quite got a brain on you. A beautiful face and a beautiful brain; your parents must be so proud of you.”

“Thank you.” You feel your face grow warm, not used to compliments at all. “But I hope you don’t take offense to this, Mrs. Jung, but I have every intention of beating Jaehyun and claim top 1.”

This makes her laugh, “A feisty one! Well in case you do, my Jaehyunnie has his momma to comfort him.”

“Mom.” Jaehyun strains, pointedly looking at her.

“Remember this: he blushes with his ears.” She winks at you and this makes him physically usher her to her car. She waves at you, “It was nice meeting you, [Y/N]! Come by again soon! Make sure you bring her home, Jaehyun.”

“Okay, Mrs. Jung.” You wave back, stifling your giggle as Jaehyun continues to hassle her into her car, but not before she demands to kiss him on his cheek.

When she was finally coerced into leaving and left you two alone, Jaehyun lets you into the house.

“I’m sorry about my mom.” He sighs, removing his shoes and handing you spare house slippers.

“It’s fine. I’m not as nervous as I was on the way here.” You wear the slippers he hands you and put your shoes beside his on the mat. You look around and spot some picture frames on the wall, approaching one family photo. “You’re an only child?”

He stands beside you, “Yeah. That explains why my parents and I act like best friends.”

“Aw,” You coo, moving to a baby picture, “Baby Jaehyunnie is so cute.”

“Okay,” He puts a hand on your shoulder and gently pulls you away from the wall, “That’s enough. Let’s go up to my room.”

On the way up to the second floor, you start to tense up; his arm was still around you like he was a personal escort to your deflowering. From the stairs, his room was the second door to the right.

It was a lot cleaner than you expected, although it had trophies and certificates that proved his achievements growing up. It reminds you of the living room back at home; a shelf full of awards for spelling bees, best in subjects, and honor certificates. You remember the pride and joy in your parents’ eyes every time they put a new one up.

“Are you sure you don’t want anything to drink?” Jaehyun asks, closing the door behind him.

“I’m good.” You walk over to his bed and sit down on the edge, looking everywhere but him. He had a fancy looking computer set-up in the corner of the room by another door that probably leads to his bathroom. “So… what now?”

The space on the bed beside yours dips, “Let’s get you in the mood first. Look at me.” His hand falls on your thigh; most of it still over your skirt but his fingertips touch your skin.

You look down at his hand before meeting his piercing gaze, without meaning to, you lean away from him.

His expression immediately softens, “I’m gonna remind you that you can still back out. I don’t want to force you into doing something you’re not sure about.”

“How do I get into... the mood?”

“Remember how we kissed in the library?” Jaehyun says, “Let’s do that again. This time, I’m gonna touch your body, alright? There’s no table between us now. You can touch me, too.”

Your mouth goes dry at the memory. Ever since you went back to that area in the library, you can’t help but think about kissing him. It makes your face burn, heart rate pick up, and core clench. “Okay.”

His other hand tips your chin upward to make you face him, “You’re so cute, you know? So innocent like a little kitty.”

He kisses you all of a sudden, just pressing his lips over yours. The fingers on your chin move to tuck your hair back behind your ear just like last time and he whispers, “I haven’t stopped thinking about our kiss. If you only knew how excited I am that I get to kiss you again… kiss you and more.”

And more.

There it is again, the action your body never made before; your vagina clenching at his words. Your breath hitches as he slowly moves forward, capturing your lips once more. Just like before, he tastes like coffee and mint. The kiss is gentle and calm, almost tentative, like he’s giving you a chance to stop him. You bring your hands up to his chest and nape, threading your fingers on his soft, thick hair. And when you feel his tongue glide along your lips, you part your lips for him and everything just clicked.

The kiss grew carnal; desperate for more. His hands have moved to hold your midriff, thumbs just barely caressing the bottom of your breasts. It felt too hot — literally. You wanted to take your clothes off, but you don’t know how to feel about him seeing you naked, which was a dumb thought since you had to be naked to have sex.

“I wanted to kiss you so badly at Mark’s party.” He confesses when he pulls away to catch his breath, panting over your mouth, “If you’d have let me, I would’ve taken you upstairs and fucked you there.”

Fucked. You’ve only ever used the word to curse so hearing it from him as something he’d do to you sounds like it would hurt.

“But I want to take my time with you,” He kisses the corner of your lips, trailing down your jaw until he settles on a spot on your neck that simultaneously tickles yet you crave for more, “I’ll show you a whole new world you’ve been missing out on.”

You slide your arm around him, instinctively pulling him closer to you as he finds a new patch of skin on your neck to kiss. You couldn’t help but moan when you feel his teeth lightly biting your flesh.

“You even sound cute.” He muses, working his lips back up your face. “This is lesson number one: foreplay. It can stretch on for hours, but this helps make penetration a lot easier.”

Damn. Penetration is such an ugly word, but the way he said it made it sound hot. When a hand comes over your breast, your entire body freezes and he stops.

“Is this too fast for you?”

“N-no, I’m just not used to it.” You take a deep breath, “Please keep going.”

Jaehyun smiles, “You’re liking it so far?”

You nod, bashfully bowing your head in embarrassment. Other girls must be throwing themselves at him at this moment.

“Can you learn with your head down?” He playfully scolds, “Keep your eyes on me.”

He kisses you again, slipping his tongue into your mouth as his hand tenderly squeezes your chest. He starts to nudge you to fall back against his bed and he tugs your shirt out from being tucked into your skirt to sneak his under. His fingers leave a hot trail in their wake, burning your skin the most satisfying way, reaching for its previous purchase but hindered by the tightness of your school blouse.

He pulls away once more and you whine, chasing after his lips. With a little chuckle, he grants you a quick peck. “Can I take your clothes off or do you want to do it yourself?”

“I’ll do it.” You start to pop the buttons of your shirt when you hesitated, “Wait, what do you prefer?”

“Don’t think about it; this is about you.”

“No, this is about you teaching me about sex and among the few things I know about sex is that it’s all about making each other feel good. So this is about you, too.”

Jaehyun stares at you, considering your words and smiles to himself, “Alright. We can do it together. Unbutton my shirt for me.”

He reaches for the button beneath the last one you had unbuttoned and continues down the line, licking his lips as more of your skin is exposed. Meanwhile, you shakily began to unbutton his.

Sensing your nervousness, Jaehyun ducks his head back to your neck to kiss it. It makes you sigh, losing your grip on the button you’ve working on and when you try to blindly find it, your fingers find the smooth, hard muscle of his chest instead.

He momentarily pulls away to push your blouse off your shoulders, kissing each one before moving to your collarbones. You feel your face heat up as you completely shrug your shirt off and throw it by your feet. His face is right above your chest, kissing down your sternum and just over the swell of your breast.

He tugs on your skirt’s zipper as he does this, jerking the flimsy material off your hips once you lifted yourself up off the bed to help him. He stands up in front of you, pushing you back until you’re lying down on the bed.

“It feels like an honor to see you like this.” He finishes popping the buttons you failed to remove, shrugging the material off his upper body and leaving you to ogle his body. It’s no surprise he’d have such a good physique from all the sports he does.

“Oh, you have an outie.” You pointed out, biting back a giggle. “That’s cute.”

Jaehyun looks down with a slight pout and covers his belly button, “Is that what you’re really looking at?”

“My baby brother has one and it reminded me of him.” You shake your head, almost forgetting you’re nearly naked in front of him, “Sorry.”

He hooks one finger each on your socks and drags them down your legs until they’re completely off and joining the rest of your uniform on the floor. He climbs onto the bed and hovers over you, watching your reaction as he cups your midriff and raises it up to one of your breasts.

His hand was warm and heavy, gently kneading your breast, and focusing his thumb over your nipple. Straddling your hips, he gives your neglected breast the same treatment with his other hand. You’ve never even touched yourself like this, not even when you lather soap on your body, and it felt so good.

“Let’s take this off of you, hm?” He reaches between your back and the mattress, unhooking your bra faster than you could have. Once he slips the straps off your arms, you instinctively cover yourself and he chuckles, “Can I see them please?”

It annoyed you that he spoke to you like a child, but you relent and drop your arms to your side, looking away from him.

“Ah, beautiful.” He murmurs, putting his hands back over each of your breasts. Without warning, he bends down and licks your nipple causing you to gasp and grab his shoulders. He doesn’t say anything, continuing to lick and suck one nipple and rub his thumb over the other until they’ve both hardened and pebbled. He switches between them for a while until he pulls back, satisfied after seeing your flustered face. “Did you like that?”

“It felt weird at first,” You admitted, “But I liked it.”

“That’s good.” He kisses your forehead and moves so he was practically lying beside you, “So you like having your boobs played with.”

You don’t know how to respond to that, but you don’t have to because he kisses you again. A little more confident, you tried to slip your tongue into his mouth and you’re met with a happy, surprised hum. He lets you take over this kiss, welcoming your tongue.

“You’re getting good at kissing.” He comments as soon as you two break for breath of air.

“It’s addicting.”

“You’re addicting.” Jaehyun counters, pressing his lips on your jaw. “So sweet.”

His hand soothingly rubs your side; up and down in a lazy manner while locking lips with you again. He then brings his hand between your legs, making you flinch and gasp into his mouth. Instead of asking if it was okay first, he decides to continue his action, moving three fingers over your panties.

You want to shut your legs close, but his thigh is holding one of them down.

“Do you want me to stop?” He asks when you cover his hand with your own.

“N-no, not really.” You hide your face in the crook of his neck as you press his hand over your clothed mound. “Keep going.”

“Do you like this more than playing with your boobs?”

“I think so.”

Jaehyun stops to slip his hand into your panties and you choke down a moan. “You can be as loud as you want. Let me hear you so I know you feel good.”

His fingers slide along your labia, petting you like a kitten. You’ve never even masturbated before yet here you are having someone else’s fingers touch and please you.

“Ah, there it is.” He chuckles into your ear, making you look up at him, “You’re getting wet.”

“Don’t tell me that!” You scold, shying away from him, but he quickly maneuvers his body so he’s back on top of you.

He starts to push a single finger inside of you, observing the way your mouth drops open at the new sensation. You’re wrapping quite nicely around his finger, sucking the digit in bit by bit the more you clenched your walls. When he starts to move it in and out of you, you whimper, holding him by his shoulders again.

“Does it hurt?”

You shake your head. It didn’t hurt, but it just felt too odd and new for you to like it just yet.

Jaehyun continues his action a little longer until you start getting used to it, even when he adds another finger. This was your first taste of pure, unadulterated sexual pleasure. It was just as addicting as kissing him and the longer he does it the more your toes curl.

You let out a loud moan, a sound neither of you expected. Fueled by your moan, Jaehyun pumps his fingers into you faster. A hybrid of moan and cry falls from your lips as a surge of pleasure pulsates through your veins. You shut your eyes and hold onto his bulging arm for support, curling your upper body towards him. You could hear the wet squelch as he fingered you.

There was something tightening in the pit of your stomach and you can’t decipher if it was good or not, but when Jaehyun removes his hand from your underwear and the feeling disappears, you want to cry.

“Why’d you stop?” You whine, pulling his hand back.

“I don’t want you to come yet. I don’t think it’s best for you to be too sensitive on your first time.” He kisses your forehead before sitting up to put the two fingers he had in you into his mouth. He moans a little, “Sweet.”

He starts to take your underwear off, rolling it off your hips down to your ankles. He chuckles at your attempt to squeeze your thighs together and hide your pussy from him.

“D-do you have a condom?” You stutter, trying to stall him.

“I do. I always have one.” He nods at the drawer by his bed. “But I wasn’t going to do that yet.”

He massages your thighs, silently coaxing you to open your legs for him. Still covering yourself, you obediently part your legs and he makes himself comfortable between them with his face right by your core.

“This is my favorite kind of foreplay. If you don’t mind, I’d like to show it to you.” He kisses your knuckles, “There’s nothing to be shy about, [Y/N].”

You let him pry your fingers off your, watching his eyes light up once they lay their sights on your pussy as if they had discovered gold. With two fingers, he spreads your labia apart and you hold your breath as he veers forward to latch his mouth onto you. You gasp, bucking your hip upward at the sensation of something wet and warm against such a private part.

You could feel his tongue slithering and teeth teasingly nibbling at your lower lips. Again, it felt so foreign and unusual, but so, so, so good. You moaned out his name and he groaned in response, the vibration adding fire to the burning pleasure he’s building up in you.

Like last time, when you start to feel that knot in your stomach, Jaehyun pulls away and you whimper in frustration.

He stands up to walk over to the drawer, fetching the condom you requested for and returns to the foot of the bed. “Scoot up a little.”

After doing so, you watch as he unzips his pants, letting it fall to the floor with his boxers.

“That’s not gonna fit.” You immediately fold your legs close and sit up. Are penises supposed to be this big? It’s entire length is pink and veiny, while the tip was a bit more red. It bobbed up and down as he clambered onto the bed, pointing at you as if it knew you were its prey. Gulping, you repeat, “That’s not gonna fit. I can’t do this.”

“It will. You’ll stretch around it. Give me your hand.” He kneels in front of you, knees apart.

You give your hand to him and he brings it around his cock. It was a lot warmer than his hand. You wrap your fingers around it a tad tighter and he moans, biting his lip. Meekly, you ask, “Do you like that?”

“Sorta. Here.” He moves your hand over his length, all the way to the tip and back to the base. “I like it better this way.”

“Like this?” You followed what he showed you, twisting your wrist a bit.

“Yes, fuck, like that.” Jaehyun closes his eyes, letting you take over. “Just like that.”

With his eyes closed, you feel a little more comfortable studying his body up close. He has such pretty skin, fair and flawless. His muscles were beautifully defined, rippling with every movement, especially the muscles on his abdomen as they flexed with each sharp breath he takes. Your attention is brought to cock in your hand after feeling it twitch a couple of times. The tip started to glisten under the lights of his room. You watched in amazement as a small, translucent white substance emerges from the tiny opening on the top, something akin to a pearl, and it dribbles down to your fingers.

He had your mouth on your genitals and you liked it. Will he like it if you do the same?

You bend forward to taste the thick liquid on the tip of his cock. It was incredibly salty and just as hot as his length as you continued to work your fist around him. Wanting to taste more of him, you bring your lips over his tip.

“What the fuck?!” He exclaims, hands flying to your shoulders, and you immediately pull away.

“I’m sorry.” You retract your hand away from his body.

“No! No, you just caught me off guard.” Jaehyun takes hold of your hands and smirks, “I didn’t expect you to blow me.”

You look away, flustered at his expression, “I was curious.”

“It’s okay. God, you’re so cute.” He cups your cheeks and kisses you, “I’ll teach you some other day, okay? I don’t think I’ll last a second if you use your pretty little mouth on me.”

“O-okay.”

“Now watch, this is how you put a condom on.” He takes the foil square and rips it open. He shows you the condom, pushing the center out a bit to pinch the end, and places the rubber ring on the tip of his cock. He rolls it down about a quarter way until he stops and grabs your hand, “Finish putting it on for me.”

Without another word, you obey him, pushing the ring down until his cock is completely sheathed with minor difficulty.

“Lie down.”

Once again, you silently obey him, maintaining eye contact with him. He adjusts your position in front of him by grabbing your hips and parting your legs to kneel between them. He runs his hands over your thighs, “Are you ready?”

“I think so.”

“I need you to be sure.” He leans down to kiss your belly. “I’m not going to continue if you’re not a hundred percent sure.”

“I am.” You nod, “I’m sure.”

He kisses up to your neck, licking the expanse of skin. “This is going to hurt, okay? You just have to relax. The more you tense up, the more it’ll be difficult for both of us, and the more it’ll hurt for you. Just relax.”

“Okay.”

Jaehyun kisses your lips, flicking his tongue into your mouth for a brief moment. He tasted a little different now. Was it from him giving you oral? Were you tasting yourself on him?

“If the pain is too much, just tell me and I’ll stop.” He sits back up, holding his cock in his hand and positioning it right in front of your entrance. He waits for a while, moving a fist over his length as he studies your face. “I’ll ask you once more, [Y/N]. Do you really want to do this? Not because of the bet, but because you really want to?”

“Yes. I do.” You answer in a firm voice. When you give him a little nod, he runs the tip of his cock over your entrance a few times until he pushes into you.

It definitely hurt. It was like you were trying to put something where it didn’t belong. Although it was bearable, your body’s instinct was to stop it.

“Fuck, [Y/N], baby, please relax, you’re squeezing me.” He grips your thighs with a sense of urgency, “Relax, baby.”

You’re breathing heavily, trying to do as he says. You look down between your bodies and you feel your eyes well up with tears when you see he’s barely halfway in. You don’t know how but you try to accommodate his girth.

When he’s pushed the remaining inches inside you, you choke down a sob. It hurt a lot. You feel stretched out and full; unable to open your eyes as you absorb the pain. But underneath it all, you can’t deny that it felt good in a way.

“Are you okay? Shit,” He starts to pull out and you yelp.

“No! No! Don’t move. Please don’t move. Just,” You hold onto his shoulders, sniffing, “Let me get used to it. You’re… big.”

Jaehyun chuckles, “At least it fits.”

“Barely.” You retort. As you blink, the tears drip from the corner of your eyes. They left a cool trail over your burning face. He kisses each one, lapping the tears up with his tongue.

“Tell me when it’s okay to move, alright? Just don’t… squeeze me too hard or else I’ll come before I get to make you come.” He sees you pout as you move your head to acknowledge him and he can’t help himself but kiss you again.

It helps distract you from the subsiding pain. You try to think of other things as well. Is he always this sweet to the other girls he sleeps with? You hope your first boyfriend would be like him.

A surprised moan escapes you after you try to pull him closer to you and your hips move against his. For a moment, you even forgot he was inside you. He has a wide grin on his face, clearly pleased at hearing this. With a hold on your hips, he slowly pulls out of you and just before the tip is out, he pushes back in. He observes your reaction, slowly gaining speed as your mouth loses its ability to close and is perpetually agape, letting a string of whimpers and mewls escape you.

“Lesson 2 is all about positions, baby.” Jaehyun starts, falling forward and uses one arm to hold himself up above you, “This is the most basic one: missionary. Guy on top.”

You can’t even process his words, mind clouded with lust as your body experiences something it never has before. It felt good… amazing — you couldn’t even explain it.

“How are you feeling, [Y/N]?”

“So,” You gasped, “Good.”

“Yeah?” He moves the hand on your hip up to your chest, giving one of them a hard squeeze. “You feel really good; nice and tight.”

He gives a particularly hard thrust and you gasped, holding onto his shoulders for purchase. “I’m going to go a little faster. Tell me if it’s too much and I’ll slow down.”

Right as he said it, his thrusts grew faster and faster. His movements shook the bed, the headboard bumping into the wall. Your body was burning hot, like he was pumping lava right inside your body, filling you up until you’re melting in his hold.

“Jaehyun.” You moan, arching your back off the mattress. You don’t even know why you’re calling out to him. You just want to chant his name, so you did.

“God, I wish you could see yourself, baby. You’re taking me so well for your first time. Does it still hurt?”

“No.” You mewl, “I feel really good.”

“You’re so pure, [Y/N]. Fucking precious. Now look at you, enjoying your first time at sex. Think of all the other things I can teach you; things that’ll corrupt your innocent little mind.”

You whimper at his words. He sounds like he’s degrading you but why does it sound so hot? You voluntarily clench around him and earn a guttural moan from him.

“And you’re fucking enjoying it, aren’t you?” Jaehyun brings a hand down between you and massages your clit. “Like a fallen angel.”

There it was again; that tightening feeling in the pit of your stomach. You were afraid he’ll notice like the last two times and he’ll stop, but he doesn’t. His hips start to move frantically, gyrating against yours as he enters you deeper.

“Jaehyun.” You cry, “Wait—”

“It’s okay, baby, just let it go.” He hushes you, “I’m going to give you your very first orgasm.”

The fingers on your clit rubbed faster and you try to stop him, “Oh god—”

You feel like your bladder is full and you explode, convulsing beneath his body as his thrusts slowed to a stop. He kisses you, sloppily on the mouth, drowning out all your moans. You feel lightheaded, head spinning as you catch your breath after he moves his lips to your cheek.

“I—” You wheeze, “Wow.”

Jaehyun laughs, pecking your cheeks repeatedly. “Cute.”

His cock is still inside you, hard and throbbing. He sits up and carefully pulls out of you until his cock is freed and bobbing up to hit his abdomen. The sheer latex is shining with your essence. It hits you late, but you’re not a virgin anymore. You didn’t feel any different — well, you felt like you were on cloud nine — but you didn’t feel like anything changed.

You watch Jaehyun as he takes the condom off, tossing it to the floor and begins to touch himself. “What are you doing?”

“Just finishing myself off. You can rest up a bit and we can have dinner.”

“Can’t I help you? Why didn’t you come in me?” You sit up, although your body feels heavy.

“You can help me just by spreading your legs and giving me a nice view of your pussy.” Jaehyun kisses you, “Besides, you’re sensitive after coming. I wouldn’t want to overstimulate you on your first time.”

“I’m not sensitive.”

He raises a brow at you, pushing you back on the bed and ducking his head between your legs. He blows a soft puff of air on your vagina and you flinch, automatically trapping his head between your thighs as you try to close them.

“See? Be a good girl and listen to your teacher.” He teases, turning his attention back to your core.

“Then…” You lick your lips, “How about teaching me how to give a blowjob now?”

Jaehyun looks stunned, “I’m starting to think you’re not a virgin from the get-go…”

“Hey,” You frowned, “Why would I lie about that? I just like to learn.”

“Then you probably have a nympho asleep in you.” He crawls beside you, sitting against his headboard and motions for you to go between his legs.

Once you situate yourself between his legs, you take his dick into your hand and form a fist around it. He’s a lot wetter now, sticky from all the precum that accumulated. “Would it be a good thing if we wake her up?”

“Maybe.” He pets your head while you find a position you’re comfortable in, settling to lie flat on your stomach with his angry, leaking cock just by your face. “I’d love to see her.”

You kiss the tip, tasting the salty substance on your lips. You look up at him as you hesitantly licked him, collecting more of the precum on your tongue. He nods, chewing at his bottom lip. Glancing down at his cock, you lick a strip from the base of his length up until the tip. You do it a few more times until you wrap your lips around the head and gently suck.

“Fuck.” He grips your hair, the action stinging your scalp, “Don’t focus on the tip just yet. Try to take my entire cock in your mouth.”

“The entire thing?” You repeat, “Are you aware how thick this is?”

“Then take as much as you can. I’ve never been deepthroated before.” He sounds a little proud as he tells you this. He adjusts his grip on your hair, combing most of it to hold it back like a ponytail.

“Deepthroat? You mean shoving this thing all the way into the back of my throat? That sounds like torture.”

“I’m not telling you to do it. I’m just saying I’ve never had anyone put my entire cock into their mouth without gagging so badly.” He shrugs, “This is what you do: put as much as you can in your pretty little mouth and hold onto the rest, squeeze me a little, maybe twist your hand a bit. Just don’t bite me.”

You follow his instructions, getting probably a little more than a half of his length into your mouth.

“Now suck.” When he feels your lips wrapping snuggly around him, he pulls your head away from his cock and pushes you back down. “Again.”

You treated him like a salty push-pop, bobbing your head as you continue to suck him. His grip loosens on your hair once you get the hang of it and don’t need his guidance. Although you still look up at him through your lashes to make sure you’re doing okay and from the way his dick twitches in your mouth, he definitely likes it.

Curiosity and greed gets the better of you; is deepthroating him that big of a challenge? You push yourself down on him until your lips are at the base. Both your mouth and throat are squeezing down on him as you still attempt to suck his cock.

“Oh my god.” Jaehyun groans, throwing his head back and re-tightening his grip on your hair. “Fuck, [Y/N].”

You like how he moans your name and you want to hear more of it. Flattening your tongue on the underside of his dick, you dragged your mouth up just before releasing the tip and plunged his length back to your throat.

There was a frustrated grunt from him as he holds your head in place and starts to thrust into your mouth. It was a lot harder to control your gag reflex like this, but you stayed put and let him do as he pleases; it’s getting you excited, too. Tears spring to your eyes as you start to choke, losing your breathing pattern for a moment when his movement became sporadic.

“Oh, fuck.” He stills, plugging your entire mouth with his cock and making it a little hard to breathe. Warmth drips down your throat and once his grip loosens, you pull away. His cock is still twitching, still shooting out the thick liquid in your mouth.

And quite frankly, you hate it.

Out of courtesy, you wait until he’s done, falling slack against his headboard. As he catches his breath, he gives you a sleazy smile, reaching out to you but you bolt away from him.

“[Y/N]?” He worriedly calls out after you as you run into his ensuite bathroom.

Hurriedly, you switch the lights on and knelt down in front of the toilet to spit his load. You’ve never tasted something that foul in your life. It was like you tried to swallow salty battery acid — and you don’t even know what battery acid tastes like.

You feel fingers in your hair as Jaehyun helps you hold your hair back when you end up gagging yourself and emptying the contents of your stomach.

“I don’t want to do that again.” You wheeze, wiping the back of your hand over your mouth before flushing the toilet.

“That’s too bad, but for the record, I didn’t tell you to deepthroat me.” He helps you up and gestures you to the sink.

“I didn’t mean the deepthroating part,” You open the faucet and begin to wash out your mouth of the acidity left over, “I meant swallowing. Do other girls swallow your cum and not complain?”

He looks slightly offended, “Most do, some don’t…”

You pat your lips dry with tissue paper and throw it in the bin, “Then they’re either lying about wanting to swallow or your cum burned their taste buds off.”

Jaehyun huffs, “It can’t be that bad.”

“Then see for yourself.” You’re about to step forward when you feel something drip down between your thighs. The same translucent substance is dribbling down your length and you quickly clean it off with tissue paper.

“Are you hurting though?”

You glance back and you become hyper-aware that you’re still both very naked, and despite being intimate with each other just a few minutes ago, you become shy around him.

He’s quick to take notice of your sudden change in demeanor, trapping your body against the sink. He kisses your shoulder, “We just had sex, what are you getting shy for?”

“I don’t know.” You look at him through the reflection. Is this what it feels like having a boyfriend? You avoid his gaze just before he meets it through the mirror; you shouldn’t have those thoughts while you’re with him.

“Well, that’s our lesson for today. Unless you want to review.” He chuckles, cupping your boobs and kneading them with his palms.

You tear his hands away and laugh, “It’s a school night.”

“Oh, so if it wasn’t, you’d be down to go another round?”

You shrug your shoulders, “I thought you would have already figured out that I like to review things I’ve learned. Repeatedly. Even though I’ve understood the lesson already.”

“Fuck, [Y/N], don’t say things like that. I’ll get hard again.” He tuts, pinching your ass.

You yelp, giggling as you dodge another pinch from him.

“Let’s get dressed and let me feed you before I take you home.” Jaehyun hums with a small smile, cupping your cheeks and kissing your lips.

Your heart flutters; a different kind of warmth floods your senses. It feels like all the holidays you get to go back to your family, greeting your siblings with bear hugs, and scarfing down all the meals your mother made from scratch. You move away from him, blinking your eyes and looking mortified at your realization.

Jaehyun mirrors your expression, pupils shaking as awkward silence surrounds you.

“Uhm,” He clears his throat, “I…”

“Can I,” You say at the same time with him, “use the bathroom?”

“Yeah, sure, I’ll— I’ll, uh, go down to the kitchen and dinner— prep dinner — prepare dinner.” He leaves you in the bathroom and closes the door for you.

You immediately wash your face to cool it down. What the hell was that? It couldn’t be what you thought it was. It should be the last thing on your mind after having sex with him. Falling in love with Jaehyun is out of the question; you want a storybook kind of romance — meet him in a bookstore type of situation. Not making a bet in the library that involves losing your virginity.

You switch the tap off and go out to put your clothes on. You stare at the mattress, the one you just lost your innocence on, and somehow remember Jaehyun’s face after the last kiss. It looks like he didn’t want to be in that kind of relationship with you either. You’re just another girl that he sleeps with and he’s just someone teaching you the ropes of it all. That’s all there is here.

“Wanna take a break?”

You gasp out loud, dragging the tip of the neon green highlighter upwards onto words that didn’t need it. You stare at the jagged line in shock before sending a piercing glare to the reason behind it.

Jaehyun sheepishly apologizes, sitting down on the chair to yours.

“Why aren’t you studying for CSAT?” You cap your highlighter and close your review material.

It’s been a couple months now and Jaehyun still had plenty of things to teach you in terms of sex, but ever since his basketball training started, your meetings turned into something just a twice or thrice a month rather than the usual once every week.

He’d taught you a handful of positions — that you all liked — and learned how to have sex in different places like under the bleachers and at the back of his car. Like in the very secluded corner of the library you two were in right now. He had you bent over the table once and from the looks of it, he wanted to do it a second time.

“I’m done for the day. You should take a break, too, you know.” He moves your materials away from you, “You’re top 2 in school. You don’t need to study that hard for CSAT.”

“Is there something else you want me to study?” Flirting with him got a lot easier, although you still get flustered from time to time, you’re still able to hold a flirty banter with him.

He taps your nose, “Smart girl. What are all the lessons I’ve taught you so far?”

“Foreplay. Positions. Masturbation,” You whisper; the library was full today since everyone was reviewing for the test this weekend. A few weeks back, he gave you “homework” to masturbate while thinking about him but with barely any privacy in your place and feeling awkward to even touch yourself, you failed the very first homework of your entire life. He made you sit between his legs and watch porn, guiding your hands in your panties. Shrugging, you finish answering, “And places. Is there still something you have yet to teach me?”

“Kinks.” Jaehyun slowly drags the tip of his tongue along his bottom lip, staring at your lips.

“Like… fetishes?” You glance at the opening of your secluded area, “You have fetishes?”

“A good number of them.” He hums, “But forget about me. We’re going to see if you have any kinks.”

“Well,” You feel embarrassed to say this out loud, but you’ve actually researched these things already. You wanted to surprise Jaehyun with something, but you never knew when to since he’s always in command of how things go, “I’ve read a couple of things.”

He grins at you, “Oh? Advance reading?”

You roll your eyes, “Shut up.”

“Okay, okay, sorry. So?”

“Your hands.”

“My hands?” He lifts one up in front of his face, “What about them?”

You get distracted just by seeing them, “Uhm, I like it when you touch me with them.”

There’s a growing smirk on his lips, “Touch you where?”

“Anywhere.” You watch as he holds his hand out to you and cup your cheek, “Everywhere.”

“Everywhere?” He repeats, moving his hand down to your neck and wraps it around your throat. “Even here?”

You gasp, your own hands flying to grab his wrist, “Jaehyun.”

“I’m not going to actually hurt you. Choking can be hot; it can increase pleasure during sex.” His gaze flickers down to where he held you, “It brings out this innocent little look on your face that I love.”

You scoff, “I’ve learned that you have a corruption kink.”

“And you’re to blame. God, it’s been months of fucking you but you’re still so innocent.” Jaehyun brings his hand down to your thigh, “Like a tainted angel.”

“I’m hardly an angel now.”

“Oh? Then spread your legs right now.”

You blink at him, “Now? But—”

“See? You’re hesitating.”

“I’m not doing this with you here, not when there are clearly more people in the library compared to the last time.”

He frowns, almost pouting, crossing his arms in front of him like a child put on timeout. He glances around and swiftly moves his chair beside yours.

You warily watch him, confused at his actions until he brings his hand back to your thigh. “What are you doing?”

“No one’s gonna see and if you keep quiet, they’ll never know.” He inches his fingers under your skirt, close to touching your mound but you stop him.

You can’t deny that doing something risky like this in public — in school — gets you excited, although at the end of the day, you had to keep your dignity. You’re glad he’s kept his mouth shut about this arrangement as well, but it was rather odd that his friends don’t wonder where he goes off to when he goes to you.

“You’re already so wet, baby.” His fingers drew lines over your panties that were undeniably wet the moment he came up. It was a natural reaction for your body to want him just by looking at him at this point, craving to be touched like you are now.

Baby. He calls you this so fondly. Of course, it was only during times like these when he does so, but it makes your insides gooey and your heart flutter.

You exhaled slowly, eyes wide and staring at him. He merely smirks, thinking it was from his fingers slipping past your panties. This was the worst possible scenario; being fingered in public while you were reviewing for the CSAT — the test you cared about passing the most — by a boy out of your league and realizing you’re falling for him.

You’ve done so well for the past months to foster such feelings for him. Why now? Why now while you’re in the middle of messing around with him? While you were studying for the single most important test of your entire student life?

He flexes a finger inside of you and you flinch, grabbing his arm and biting down your lip.

“You like that, huh?” He teases, kissing your ear.

It’s not the only thing I like, you scream in your thoughts.

It doesn’t take long for you to come, shaking in his hold as he softly sucks on a patch of skin under your ear. He even fixes your panties for you before pulling his hand away and licking his fingers clean of your essence.

He notices how you’re still distraught, blown out eyes staring up at him and heaving slowly, and asks if you’re okay.

You manage to nod at him, waving his concern off and adjust yourself in your seat.

Jaehyun stands up and puts the chair back in its proper position, “I’ll go now. Good luck this weekend.”

“You, too.” You mutter, watching him leave and your heart drops. You’re not stupid. You know he’s only using you for sex and it wasn’t something you minded because you were benefiting from it too. He doesn’t see being in an actual romantic relationship with you, and you can’t blame him for it. You’ve made it very clear that school is your priority.

The only thing left to do is either tell him about your feelings and face the consequences, bottle it up and will them away, or end things with him and maybe these emotions will leave with him. After CSAT, you promise yourself, you’ll make a decision after this weekend.

“Am I in trouble?” You quietly ask, looking between the principal, Mr. Jang, and the guidance counselor, Ms. Kwon.

Ms. Kwon had run after you as you finished your CSAT, on your way to the front gate to meet up with Jungwoo, and she escorted you to the principal’s office. She’d been of tremendous help for you when you applied for scholarships. Your first thought was someone had caught you and Jaehyun somewhere in school and reported it, but didn’t think that was the case since he wasn’t in the office with you.

“Heavens, no. I would like to personally tell you and congratulate you about your scholarship in SNU.” Mr. Jang reminds you of a typical, jolly grandfather, had silver, combed-over hair, and wore suspenders everyday.

“S-scholarship?” You repeat, thinking you misheard him, “I-I thought… scholarship announcements aren’t made until the end of the school year.”

He grins at you, handing a large white envelope with the university insignia on it, “Yes, but they saw your outstanding school records and gave you approval right away. Congratulations, Ms. [L/N], your application for a full scholarship to SNU has been approved. You’re the first student in my 30 years working here to get one.”

Your mouth is perpetually agape, accepting the envelope and opening it right away. Your eyes scanned through the letter inside a couple times until it finally hit you: you’re going to SNU. “I… but…?”

“Of course, they still have to wait for the results of the CSAT, but it should be no problem for you, given your previous records. And between us three,” He leans forward on his desk, “You should start drafting your graduation speech.”

“My… graduation speech?” You pause, “You mean I’m valedictorian?”

“If you maintain your class standing and stay out of any trouble until finals, then congratulations again Ms. [L/N], you’re this year’s class valedictorian.”

“But… Jung Jaehyun—”

Mr. Jang sighs, “Ah, yes, Mr. Jung. His grades are remarkable, yes, but he has a couple of misdemeanors on his file to even qualify for salutatorian. It’s a shame. Are you friends with Mr. Jung?”

You open your mouth to answer, but you realize you don’t know what the answer is. You’re not exactly going to tell the school principal the exact premise of your relationship. But are you two even friends? “Uhm, we know of each other?”

“Hm, well I would avoid befriending Mr. Jung if I were you, Ms. [L/N]. I’m sure he’s a wonderful person, but he could still be a bad influence on you.”

Your stomach drops as you consider Mr. Jang’s words, nodding to them even though you were still processing it. Was he being a bad influence on you?

As you leave the principal’s office, it finally hits you: you’re going to SNU. You’re going to your dream school with a full scholarship and there’s a high chance you’ll graduate as valedictorian. The slow, steady footsteps you took since stepping out of the office broke into a sprint as you ran towards the school gate to meet Jungwoo and tell him the good news.

As you turn around the corner that led to the lockers, you almost collide into Jaehyun, who was just as surprised to see someone hurtling towards him.

“[Y/N]? Why are you crying?” He closes his locker and steps closer to you, concern etched on his face.

“Crying?” You touch your cheeks, feeling the damp streaks and laughing at it, “Oh. I didn’t know I was crying.”

“What’s wrong?”

You shake your head, “Nothing’s wrong. I’m— I’m just— Jaehyun, my application for a full scholarship to SNU has been accepted. I just need to score high on CSAT—”

“Then you’re definitely in! [Y/N]! Congrats!” He opens his arms to you and by instinct, you just jump into them and let him engulf you into a giant hug. “That’s amazing! You did it, [Y/N].”

“Thank you.” Your voice was muffled from having your face pressed up into his chest. You pull away first, “I can’t believe it.”

He offers you a small smile, “You’ve worked so hard for it. You deserve it. I’m really happy for you.”

A phone chimes just as you were about to thank him once more. You check yours and find an impatient, yet worried text from Jungwoo, who you had completely forgotten about. “I, uh, need to go.”

“Hey, wait.” Jaehyun stops you just as you were about to side step him, “We should celebrate this. There’s a party at Cha Eunwoo’s house tonight. You should come.”

“It’s a Saturday. I have work tonight, remember?”

He looks disappointed, “You’re going to work after taking the most draining exam in our lives?”

You shrug, apologetically, “I need the money. Big crowds aren’t my thing either.”

“Then how about just the two of us? Tomorrow night. I’ll drive you somewhere out of town and we’ll get drive thru.”

Your heart races in excitement at the prospect, but you catch yourself. That sounds like a date although you knew it would end up with the two of you doing it at the back of his car. Nonetheless, you agree to the arrangement and wave at him before leaving.

“But Auntie,” You stand up to take the dishes from her, but she swats your hands away, “I don’t mind working tonight.”

“[Y/N]! You and Jungwoo can have the weekend off! You two have worked so hard. And to think you got the scholarship for SNU!” She tuts, sashaying to the sink, “If I could afford it, you can have the entire week off with paid leave!”

“She’s our valedictorian, too!” Jungwoo pipes up, doing a little shimmy after taking a bite of the cake his parents got the both of you for finishing the exam.

“All the more reason for you not to work.” She pinches your cheek. “Isn’t there a party or two being thrown by your schoolmates? There’s bound to be one, right? There were about 8 during my time. You two should go to one.”

Jungwoo brings his empty plate to the sink and exclaims, “Oh, yeah! Eunwoo invited me to his party. Do you wanna go?”

You stare at him, “Cha Eunwoo? You know him?”

“We were classmates last year. We’re not close, but he’s really nice and friendly.” He claps his hands, “Oh, let’s go, [Y/N]!”

A part of you only agreed because you wanted to see Jaehyun. It would be hard to interact with him since your real relationship with him was still a secret, but you still wanted to see how he’d react to see you there. Perhaps that’s the reason behind the extra effort of getting ready; putting on that same dress you wore to Mark’s party, patting the lightest blush on your cheeks and a soft red tint on the inner parts of your lips, and spritzing perfume on your hair.

“Wow, all this for Jaehyun?” Jungwoo teased, simply changing out of his house clothes into a pair of blue jeans and a raglan shirt.

“Shut up.” You snap, “Wait, is it too much?”

“No.” He shrugs, “I just noticed because I’m not used to it. I bet he’ll appreciate it though. Are you ready?”

After another look in the mirror, you let Jungwoo lead the way to Eunwoo’s house. It was only a short bus ride there and it was the richer side of town, a few streets away from Jaehyun’s. You’ve never met him and you’re pretty sure you’ve never interacted with him either. You just know that he’s one of Jaehyun’s close friends, also part of the basketball team, and just as popular with the girls from school.

It takes no less than half an hour for the two of you to arrive, spotting the other teens walking up to the huge house that had strobe lights and muffled music blasting inside.

“I can tell I’m not gonna like it inside.” You warily watch a rowdy group of boys cheer each other on as a ssireum contest begins in the empty, open garage. “We don’t have to stay long, right?”

“Let’s have a few drinks and leave.” Jungwoo walks up to the house and you follow closely behind him.

Not all the faces were even familiar to you, maybe they’re from other schools. The music gets progressively louder as you walk up to the open door and you can pick out a few voices trying to talk over the bass. Past the door, Jungwoo greets a few people and you offer them all a small smile. They all seem surprised to see you here, obviously knowing this isn’t your kind of scene. Jungwoo holds a conversation with them and you look around some more.

There were people drinking out of red cups, bouncing on the balls of their feet to the fast tempo song, some were brave enough to make out against walls, and others were just blatantly humping each other in lieu of dancing. You make eye contact with a girl who you recognize as Kim Minkyung, twin sister of Kim Mingyu, who was also another close friend of Jaehyun’s. She was notoriously aloof and introverted compared to her social butterfly of a brother.

Minkyung stares at you, eyes just squinting slightly as if to discern if it was really you she was seeing, and you feel both confused and nervous by it. Is it really that weird that you’re at a party? You break eye contact with her to tell Jungwoo you’re heading to the kitchen to grab drinks for the two of you.

It was a big house, bigger than Jaehyun’s, but you think you can guess where the kitchen was from the number of people leaving the room with a drink in hand. You managed to catch Minkyung’s gaze again and her expression this time looked… worried? You ignore it and step into the white room. There were food and drinks lined up on the kitchen island and counters, a large stack of red cups beside a keg. As you approached it to get beer for Jungwoo, a roar of laughter erupts in the next room over. Being naturally curious, you walked over to the opening and peered through other curious people’s shoulders to see what the commotion was about.

It looked like the dining room with a large wooden table in the middle that had been turned into a beer pong arena. You see Kim Mingyu taking a shot beside the house owner, Cha Eunwoo, over to the other side and huffs as he misses his shot. Looking over at their opponent, your chest constricts. It was the soccer team’s MVP, Nakamoto Yuta, who was also your acquaintance as he liked to crash the board games club from time to time to bother Mark, and his partner for the math, the only boy you wanted to see in this party.

Jaehyun had his signature black outfit on; you’ve spied the contents of his closet once and reeled at the sight of it being 80 percent black, 15 percent white, and just a handful of miscellaneous colored clothing articles. His hair was pushed back to prevent the fringes getting into his eyes. But that’s not what you’re focused on, that’s not what made your heart crack. With one hand, he held a ping pong ball, waiting for his turn, while the other held another girl’s hand.

Areum. You think that’s her name. That’s right, Cho Areum. She’s the embodiment of her name; beautiful and stunning from head to toe. Funnily enough, she’s part of the cheer squad. Classic, you think, a cheerleader and a basketball player. A cliche, but perfect pair.

It’s finally Jaehyun’s turn and he gets the ping pong ball right into the farthest cup, and his team rejoices. He gladly turns his head to Areum and your heart falls to the floor, shattering in tiny pieces as your ears ring. You’ve never felt jealous in your entire life, you just weren’t raised that way. You’ve lived your life with people who have so much more than you, but you never wished you were in their shoes until you see Areum. She’s pretty, she’s tall, she’s also top 20, meaning she’s smart, too. She also gets to kiss Jaehyun in public, while you’re just the girl he keeps a secret.

But now you’re just confused. Was he cheating on her with you? And if he was, why would he cheat on her for you?

Your thoughts are interrupted when a hand is placed on your shoulder and you turn to find Minkyung, looking distastefully at the same scene you were witnessing.

“You shouldn’t be here.” She finally turns to you, voice soft and almost sympathetic. “They’re going to make fun of you if they see you, especially with your eyes looking wet. Come on.”

You blink and you realize what she was talking about as your vision blurred. You nod and she leads you away from the party, out to the backyard where there were less people and considerably darker. You sit by each other on a lounge chair and stare at the pool.

“I don’t…” You pause, not knowing what to ask.

“My brother and his friends aren’t nice people.” Minkyung states, looking past the pool and into the window that showed the living room. “They spend a lot of time after school at our house so I know about the things they talk about… all the shit they do.”

“Okay…” You don’t know where she’s going with this but your gut tells you it’s not going to be good.

“At the start of the year, the basketball team was at our house and they were drinking. And I don’t know how it came to be but someone suggested to make a checklist for all the girls they should fuck. From every clique like a girl's sports team to distinguished individuals… like the class valedictorian.” She glances at you, apologetically, as if it was her fault or to apologize on her brother’s behalf. “But I guess yours was a different case.”

“I’m… wait, I don’t understand—”

“Everyone agreed that it would be hard to sleep with you. No one knew you well enough until someone pointed out that you and Jaehyun were always volleying the top 1 spot between each other every semester. But even he didn’t think he could do it, so his friends did the only thing that would make him agree to trying to sleep with you. They made a bet and riled him up because everyone knows how competitive Jung Jaehyun is.”

You let her words sink in, “So he made a bet with me to be top 1 and offer to teach me sex so he could win an entirely different bet.”

“Wait a minute—” Minkyung grabs your wrist, “He said he’d teach you sex? Oh my god, that’s just fucking gold.”

She bolts up to her feet and scornfully laughs, pacing in front of you.

“What?”

“Let me guess,” She spins back to face you, “He’ll teach you lesson by lesson because you can’t learn a whole new world in a couple nights? That lesson 1 is foreplay, 2 is positions, and so on?”

“H-how did you know that?”

“Because he said the same things to me 3 years ago. Jung Jaehyun took my virginity from under the guise that he liked me, too. And guess what? When shit went down, he turned my own brother against me. He turned the person I shared a womb with against me and branded me a slut. Don’t you ever wonder why I don’t run in the same circle as my twin? Mingyu used to be so protective of me; I was off limits to his friends until Jaehyun happened. He joins his friends branding me a slut. Jung Jaehyun ruined my life and he’s going to ruin yours.” Minkyung grabs your shoulders and squeezes them, “Walk away from him now, [Y/N]. Please, I know we’re not friends but I’m telling you the truth. You saw him with your own eyes; was it you he was kissing in there? Because here’s the cold, hard truth, [Y/N]: Jaehyun owns each and everyone of us, but we can never own him for ourselves.”

You expel a harsh breath, unaware you had been holding your breath. You stare into her eyes and it’s glistening under the underwater pool lights. You wanted to give Jaehyun the benefit of the doubt, but you could sense how genuine and concerned Minkyung is.

“Okay.” You mumble, licking your lips. You’re better off without him anyways. Aside from sex, what else has he given you? You stand up and accept the hug Minkyung offers as she holds out her arms for you. “Thanks.”

“I wish I warned you sooner. I’ve tried to warn every girl he was after — or any girl the team was going after — but my reputation makes it hard for them to believe me. If anything, they made it worse.” She pulls away and looks back into the house. “Thanks for believing me.”

You follow her gaze and see Jaehyun, jumping to the beat of the song playing, with Areum in tow. “Does she know he’s cheating on her?”

“Areum? They’re not exclusive, that’s what he claims. She says they’re in an open relationship, so she probably knows about you.”

Knowing that she, as well as his friends, knows about you and Jaehyun sleeping together doesn’t sit well with you. Does he tell them about it every time? They must laugh at how innocent and pathetic you were.

“God,” Minkyung scowls, “What did I even see in him? If he wasn’t at the top of the class, I would have believed he had a dick for a brain.”

You giggle at this, knowing she’s doing her best to lighten the mood.

“I’m surprised he hasn’t gotten anyone pregnant yet.” She laughs, “I wonder how he’d react to that.”

Your laughter falters.

Minkyung watches as you scramble to take your phone out, opening up an app you kept to track your period. You had a normal cycle, this tracker is proof. But the past month has been so hectic that you didn’t even notice.

“I’m… two weeks late.” You look to her for help, fingers shaking in panic. “I’m never late. I—”

“Wait, [Y/N], calm down. Being late for your period doesn’t mean you’re pregnant.”

“I know that!” You exclaim, “But what if I am?”

You think about your scholarship, graduation, your parents — how are you going to tell your parents if you were, in fact, pregnant?

Before you bring yourself into a panic attack, Minkyung shakes your arm, “[Y/N], calm down. Do you want to take a pregnancy test?”

“I can’t take that back home—”

“Then take it back at my place. I’ll buy you the pregnancy test.” She fishes car keys out of her pockets, “Come on. Mingyu can find a ride home himself, I don’t even know why I let him drag me to be his personal driver.”

“Why are you so nice to me?”

Minkyung doesn’t answer immediately until she shrugs her shoulders, “If I were in your position, I’d wish someone would be there who understands and helps out.”

She was right. You don’t even know how Jungwoo would react, let alone do.

“Wait, let me go back inside and tell Jungwoo I’ll be going.”

“Kim Jungwoo? He’s gay, right?”

You gasp, petrified at her question, “How did you— I mean, no!”

She chuckles, “Don’t worry. I understand. It takes one to know one. I’ll go get the car. It’s a red volvo.”

As she leaves, you head back inside to look for Jungwoo and it’s not that hard thanks to his height. You flag him down, grabbing his wrist and dragging so you could talk right into his ear.

“Can I go ahead? I’m not comfortable.”

“Okay, let me say goodbye—”

“No! You’re clearly having fun. It’s not that late, I can go home by myself.” You try to walk away, but he seizes your hand.

“Are you okay? You look like you’re about to cry.”

Bless his heart. Only Jungwoo could read you like a book. But you’re not ready to tell him, not until you’re sure, so you just smile and nod. Fortunately, he lets you go and you quickly make your way through the crowd to reach the front door. Just as you were about to step out, a hand wraps around your wrist and you think it’s Jungwoo.

But of course it wasn’t.

“Hey, you came.” Jaehyun lets go of you once you turn around. “I thought you had a shift?”

“Yeah. I’m heading back over now. I thought I’d drop by with Jungwoo.” You hug yourself, doing your best to meet his eyes so he wouldn’t suspect anything. In your peripheral vision, you see his friends watching from another room. “So, I have to go.”

“Did you try and find me?”

The wording to his question was off, but you shake your head, “The crowd is a little… overwhelming. I don’t think I could have seen you even if I tried… I’m gonna be late for shift change.”

“Do you want me to drive you there? My car’s at the house though—”

“Then no.” You forced a smile, “You don’t have to. I’ll be fine.”

Jaehyun frowns, but relents, stuffing his hands in his pockets, “Okay. Tomorrow then?”

“Tomorrow?”

“Our own little celebration about your scholarship?”

“Oh… yeah, sure.” You try to think of an excuse to back out of it, but you’re too flustered under his gaze to even do so. “S-see you then.”

He cracks a smile, and maybe it’s just your feelings for him, but you swear he seems genuinely excited about it, “Okay. I’ll text you.”

You turn around and start to walk, taking slow steps out the door until you see a red volvo pull up. Minkyung rolls down the window to let you know it was her and you get in. After putting the seatbelt on, she hands you a pack of tissues.

“You can cry. I’m not going to judge you.”

“I know.” You let the initial tears slip down your cheeks. “I should have known something like this was going to happen.”

She rubs your back for a while before starting the car and driving away. It was strange to think you barely talked to her for an hour but still felt closer to her than Jaehyun, who you’ve spent months with. Did she have a pregnancy scare as well? More importantly, did she have someone to confide to?

You finally let yourself break down into a sob. It was dumb and foolish of you to think he had the best intentions for you. You were both in it for the sex and all you asked was for it to be kept secret, but the worst people to find out about it already knew about it. It was stupid of you to even fall for him — no, it was more stupid of you to make a bet with him in the first place. You can’t even believe you walked into that party with the intention of confessing your feelings for him.

“He’s still coming by the store. You should have never told him where you worked.”

You sigh, lathering the washed cabbage heads with the bright red paste your mother had already made. It was the holidays and you went back home to your family like you always did. Being with them brought you so much relief after everything that had happened after CSAT. You excitedly told them about the scholarship, presenting the letter as proof, as well as the high chance of you graduating as valedictorian. You even introduced Minkyung to them through video call as you two had become considerably close. The only thing you left out to your parents was Jaehyun. They didn’t need to know that at all.

You thanked every god and your lucky stars that you weren’t pregnant — the missed weeks probably due to the stress — and the dreaded red week came a few days when you went back home.You had burst into tears of joy at the sight of blood stained sheets and your mother excused it as your hormones acting up.

As for Jaehyun, you didn’t reply back to him when he asked if you were ready to meet up the day after the party. You didn’t pick up his calls. You worked twice as hard, enlisting Jungwoo and Minkyung’s help, to avoid running into him at school. Minkyung had to block his number for you because you didn’t have the heart to do it. You felt bad for doing this to him, but they reminded you of everything he did to you and you just feel just a tiny bit of guilt for ghosting him.

But as Jungwoo had just reported over the group call you had with him and Minkyung, he came by the convenience store almost everyday, hoping to catch you on your shift. When Jungwoo finally snapped and told him you were back at home, he comes in every other day to ask where you lived.

“I would ban him from the store if I were you.” Minkyung suggests.

“You know I would’ve if I could.” Jungwoo gripes, “But you can’t ban people if they’re just annoying you. I can’t even say it’s borderline harassment since he leaves after I shoo him off.”

“I don’t get it.” You huff, stuffing the freshly made kimchi into a large jar. “Min, you said he’d stop after a week. It’s almost the end of Christmas break and he’s still trying to contact me.”

“I’m just as confused as you. Maybe his pride is hurt. He’s the one being dumped for the first time and you know what? Good for you, [Y/N], for being the first to break his heart.”

You smile at them through the camera, but you hope it was believable enough through the screen. You’re still in love with him. You realize this after finding yourself constantly thinking and worrying about him when you’re not occupied with house chores or farm work. You’ll never tell Jungwoo or Minkyung, but a part of you really misses him.

“Oh my god, he’s here at my house.” Minkyung whispers as if he could hear her as she peeks through her blinds. “I’m gonna eavesdrop on them.”

“Kyung.” You warn, wiping your hands on a kitchen towel after you washed them. “You don’t have to.”

“I want to.” She huffs, “What if he’s trash talking you? You’re my friend now and this is my house, I have every right to throw him out.”

“If he’s trash talking me, then I’m gonna want to talk to him. You know,” You put the jars of kimchi you made into the fridge, “For closure.”

“Oh, sweetheart.” Minkyung sighs, “That’s a dangerous plan.”

“I agree.” Jungwoo pipes in, “He was able to convince you to sleep with him. He can definitely do it again. You’re in a vulnerable state, [Y/N], whether he knows that or not. You don’t have any prior knowledge on this while he’s an expert.”

“It’s breaking off a relationship — not even, it was just a deal we made.” You look outside the window to make sure your family is still outside, “How hard could it be?”

“Says the girl who let someone teach her sex after losing a bet.” Minkyung snides, “Your emotions could get the better of you once you face him. I think it’s better to avoid him until he finally accepts the fact that you’re done with him.”

And she was right. Although you really did want to talk to him, at least one last time and face to face, they were right about him possibly coercing you again. You didn’t think you would fall for him this hard even though you know about what he’s done.

Returning to the city a week before the holiday break ends always puts you into a sad mood since you have to leave your family and now it makes you feel anxious because you can’t possibly hide from Jaehyun until graduation. Minkyung tells you that he and his friends will be out of town for a few days and she invites you over to hang out. Jungwoo couldn’t come because he and his parents visited his older sister’s family.

“As promised,” You said after greeting Minkyung as she opened the front gate, “Kimchi made by yours truly using my mom’s pepper paste made from our farm’s chili peppers.”

It was a sizable container, good for a family of 5 for two weeks at most. Minkyung squeals as she accepts it, “Thank you! I’m so excited to try it out. We’re definitely eating this for dinner later.”

Her house had almost the same layout as Mark’s house, but had a more contemporary interior.

“Oh my god,” You gasp, approaching the photo wall and pointing at a portrait of two children as you unwrapped the scarf from your neck, “You’re so cute!”

“Our mother was obsessed with making us match clothes before.” She sighs, stopping beside you.

“Wow, you two looked really identical.”

Minkyung scoffs, “Yeah, thank god we don’t anymore.”

Before she turns to lead you to the kitchen, you swear you caught a frown form on her face.

You two had a baking agenda today ever since you found out she loved to bake with her mother when she was younger but never got to do it again since her mother got busy with work. She still bakes from time to time but doesn’t find it as fun when someone else is around.

The kitchen island had all the ingredients laid out and the oven had preheated. You two only talked about making cookies and cupcakes, but it looked like there were enough to make cake and bread.

Minkyung puts the kimchi inside their fridge and you wait for her in front of the ingredients, “So how do we go about this?”

“Let’s do a headstart on cupcakes first so they can cool down before we get to decorate them.”

It feels like a nice change to be hanging out with another girl. You love Jungwoo, but there are things you can’t say or do with him because it felt too awkward. Also, compared to you, he has other friends he likes to hang out with while you can count all yours with one hand. Minkyung was a lot bubblier once you got to know her. She always kept to herself in school and seemed so chic and mysterious, but was just as eccentric and clumsy as Jungwoo. It was a weird way to start a friendship, sharing the same experiences with Jaehyun, but you’re really glad you’ve become friends with her.

A couple of hours into baking, you took charge of icing the last couple of cupcakes while Minkyung tries a bite of the experimental cookies you made with cinnamon and marshmallows.

“Is it good?” You place the cupcake you finished icing on the cake rack.

She walks over to you to feed you a piece, “Like a starbucks drink. It’s not bad, no?”

It did taste like a starbucks drink made into a cookie, but you liked it. “I think it’s okay. Nothing beats your chocolate chip, though. I can’t wait to go back home and make it for my siblings. Thanks for sharing your recipe. I promise to take it to my grave.”

“Tell me what they think of it.” Both of you pause when you hear the car gates creaking open. She looks at you, clearly confused, “Did my mom come home early?”

You put the piping bag down and went to wash your hands in the sink of stray icing as she bounds towards the foyer. Minkyung talks fondly of her mom and mentions how she wanted to meet you. You dry your hands on the apron before taking it off, placing on the counter and following after her.

Just as you walk out of the kitchen doorway, you hear Minkyung exclaiming, “Why are you here?”

It was a split second realization from the hostile tone of her voice that tells you who was at the front door, however your body reacts a split second too late and you end up stepping into the hallway that led to the foyer.

“[Y/N]?”

You’re frozen in your spot, absolutely mortified to see Jaehyun standing behind Mingyu.

“What are you…?” He steps forward and pauses, connecting the dots in his head. He turns to Minkyung and grabs her arm, “What did you tell her?”

“The truth about you.” She hisses, shaking his hold off. Once she does, she moves away from him and closer to you. “You ruined my life and I’m not going to let you ruin hers.”

“Don’t be so dramatic, sis.” Mingyu puts an arm out between them.

Jaehyun moves around him to walk towards you, but Minkyung blocks him. He scowls at her, “[Y/N], whatever she told you is a lie.”

The Jaehyun in front of you scared you; he looked so angry and hurt… like that time he got benched in sophomore year. His jaw is tight and his nostrils are flaring as he and Minkyung stared each other down.

“No, it’s the truth.” She glances back at you, gaze firm and unwavering.

“Kyung, give it up.” Her brother grabs her hand, “It’s been, what? 2? 3 years? Get over it.”

Minkyung indignantly huffs, slowly turning her head back to them, “Get over it? He took everything from me and you just want me to get over it? He took everything from me.”

Her voice cracks as she begins to sob, shoulders dropping as she faces her brother. “And you let him, Mingyu… You chose him over me, your goddamn twin sister.”

Your heartbreaks at the scene in front of you. Minkyung always made snide remarks about her brother, scowling as she speaks about him, but that frown you caught earlier should have told you that she misses him. You can’t imagine the pain she feels of losing someone she spent her whole life with — her own brother — and be torn apart because of something Jaehyun had said and done.

Minkyung sniffs, snatching her hand away from Mingyu and walks to you, “I’m sorry. We were having so much fun… but I want to be alone right now. I’ll drive you home—”

“No, go ahead. I…” Your eyes flit towards Jaehyun, “I want to talk to him.”

She stares at you, briefly sending a glare over to him, “Are you sure?”

You nod, “I can’t run away from forever. I’ll be fine.”

She gives you a tight hug before heading towards the stairs. Mingyu tries to stop her but she starts to run up the steps.

“I’m gonna talk to her.” Mingyu pats Jaehyun’s arm, spares a glance at you, and goes up after his sister.

You and Jaehyun stood in the foyer, awkwardly waiting for each other to say something.

“Can we talk?” He finally breaks the silence.

“Yeah.” A door being pounded on and shouting was heard above your heads and you smack your lips, “Uhm, somewhere else?”

“Yeah, okay,” He takes his car keys out of his pocket, “I know a place.”

Sensing your hesitation, he quickly follows it up with, “Don’t worry, it’s not my house.”

You decide to trust him, gathering your things and following him out the door to his car. It felt weird to be seated back inside and even weirder to think about the times you’ve spent together in it. He plugs his phone to the aux cord and chooses a random song to play on the softest volume before he begins to drive.

“I thought you guys had an out of town trip?” You quietly ask, seeing the duffel bag on the backseat.

“Yeah.” He clicks his tongue, “We were uninvited. The villa we were going to is owned by Areum’s family and you can say I chose the wrong day to upset her.”

“What did you do?”

Jaehyun sighs, keeping his attention on the road, “You know, when you didn’t respond to my texts, I got worried about you. I thought you got in trouble or something. You wouldn’t pick up my calls, Jungwoo wouldn’t tell me where the fuck you were, and up until I realized you blocked my number, I started to understand the situation.”

You turn your attention to the window, watching the world pass by.

“You saw us, didn’t you? Me and Areum. You saw us that night at the party? Is that why you stopped talking to me?”

“It’s so much more than that.” You cut in, making sure your voice is as steady as you can make it out to be, “Besides, it’s not my business. I’m just the girl you keep a secret—”

You let out a disbelieved laugh, “Wait, I can’t even say I’m the girl you’ve been secretly fucking.”

“What are you talking about?”

Taking a deep breath, you ask him, “Is it true that you and your friends made a — a fuck checklist and I was on it?”

The car was stopped at a red light, it was the only time for him to look at you but he chooses not to.

“Did you agree to a bet with your friends that you could sleep with me? And that was what prompted you to approach me in the library in the first place?”

He finally looks at you, stunned like a deer caught in the headlights, and it was enough to break your heart all over again. He opens his mouth to respond, but the car behind you honks its horn and Jaehyun starts to drive, not noticing the green light.

“All I wanted was for us to be a secret. I wouldn’t care about Areum or any other girl… or so I thought,” You grumble the last part, “I thought you were holding up that end of the deal, but it turns out people already knew. God, Jaehyun! For someone who’s top 2 in school, I’m so fucking stupid to believe you.”

He stops the car and lets out a heavy breath, “I’m sorry.”

“You think that’s enough?” You snap, facing forward and seeing a lakeside picnic area. “Where are we?”

“My parents and I went here during spring when I was younger. I like to come here and just watch the water.” He licks his lips, “I was supposed to take you here that day after the party.”

“Why?”

“I…” He shrugs, “I’m gonna sit outside for awhile. You can join me if you want.”

“It’s nearly 3 degrees outside.”

He opens the door and the cold rush of air makes you hug yourself. He steps out and closes the door behind him, walking up to one of the picnic tables to brush off some of the snow and sit down on it, looking off into the distance of the frozen lake.

You gather up the courage to face the biting, icy air, pulling the hood of your jacket up and going after him. You take a seat on the bench of the table beside his and hide half your face into your scarf. His face was ghastly white, save for the apples of his cheeks, tip of his nose and ears, and his lips that were bright red.

“Do you have plans to freeze to death?”

Jaehyun chuckles, “I like winter.”

“I prefer spring.” You mumble, crossing your arms to preserve your body warmth. Looking back at the lake, you comment, “Must have been a nice view if I had gone with you that day.”

“I personally think it’s a nice view all year round.”

Silence falls over the two of you, along with it was the awkwardness and tension. You feel like you couldn’t breathe despite being in an open area.

“It’s true.” He breaks the silence after a few minutes, “We were all drunk and I don’t even remember who suggested it, but everyone thought it was a great idea — a fuck list. From cheerleaders, to band geeks, to bisexuals… to the valedictorian… one of us will sleep with any of those and it’ll be checked off the list.”

This makes your stomach churn; disgusted and disappointed at the thought. Being drunk isn’t an excuse for the nasty things that go through someone’s head.

“No one was willing to do you. No one had connections to you. Until Eunwoo said we were always switching places as top 1 every semester. They said it would be like an ice breaker between us and they left me to think about how I could get in your pants.” He took in a deep breath, “But believe me, I didn’t want to. I didn’t even think you’d give me the time of day. You didn’t seem interested in anyone and your nose was always stuck between textbooks. So they riled me up and I let them push me into doing it.”

“And then you orchestrated this whole plan of baiting me into making a different bet with you where you try to sleep with me and disguised it as teaching me sex.” You click your tongue, “I was a much easier target than you thought, huh?”

“It was supposed to be a one time thing, but I meant what I said that you can’t just learn sex in one night.”

“Minkyung said you told her the exact same words 3 years ago.” Your heart grows heavy at the thought of her, “Did you even really like her back?”

Jaehyun closes his eyes, hanging his head low and slowly shaking it sideways. “No.”

“How could you turn twins against each other?” You scowl, “I can’t even fathom how you were able to do that!”

“Well, I don’t either! I care about Mingyu, too. I knew he’d kill me if I even dared touch Minkyung, but she practically offered herself up to me.”

“Choose your words carefully, Jung.” You warn, gritting your teeth, “That doesn’t mean you accept it, let alone use that fact against her. She was— was ostracized! By her own brother!”

“That’s on him! I know what I did was shitty and I owe her an apology. I’m not the same boy I was 3 years ago!” He shoots up from his seat and walks closer to the lake, “My high school life is full of regrets, okay? I have vices. I let my dick decide for me. I’m a fucking teenager. I know I’ve hurt people and they probably won’t forgive me so I don’t bother with apologizing to their faces, but I regret my actions, alright?”

“So you regret sleeping with me?”

Jaehyun looks back at you, staring into your eyes with an unreadable expression. After a moment, he inhales, “I regret sleeping with you under those circumstances.”

You frown, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I liked being with you. Aside from the sex or the pillow talk — the small conversations in my car or at the library… I looked forward to those the most.”

“Then why did we always have sex?”

“Because that’s what you were looking forward to.”

“Because that’s the reason why we were meeting up in the first place!” You exclaim, “If you wanted to talk, you could have just told me. We can be actual friends, you know.”

“But what if,” Jaehyun nervously licks his lips, blinking rapidly as the wind picks up a bit, “What if I wanted to be more?”

Your ears are ringing as if they popped. Did you hear him right? He wanted to be more than friends? “But… Areum…”

He immediately denies it, “We’re not even dating. I mean, we act like we are, but all we’re doing is using each other. We have sex and she uses me as a status symbol or something — we got uninvited to her villa because I told her last night that I didn’t want to share a room with her. I didn’t want to do anything with her anymore, to be exact.”

“Why?”

“What do you mean why? I like you!”

You gaped at him like he had grown a second head, “You like me? Jaehyun, you could literally have anyone — anyone — in the whole world!”

“Then why can’t I have you?”

“But…” You shake your head, “Why me?”

Now it was Jaehyun’s turn to look at you bewilderedly, “Why not you?”

“God! You know I hate it when you answer my questions with a question!” You stand up and march towards him, “Why would you choose me over Areum or Minkyung—”

“Stop bringing other people into this,” He interjects, “This is about you and me.”

“You’re better off with them. Or anybody else.” You look down at your feet to avoid his gaze, “I don’t have time to be in a committed relationship. Not when high school is almost done and college is around the corner.”

“I had a feeling you’d say that.” His lips form a forlorn smile, “I wanted to tell you earlier. I wanted to tell you that day we were supposed to come here.”

“You wanted to tell me that day?” You repeat, waiting for him to confirm, “You wanted to tell me that you like me that day when just the night before you were partying with another girl… kissing her and holding her hand… you want me to believe that you like me the entire time you were doing those things with her?”

Jaehyun starts to look flustered, “I-I told you. Areum and I aren’t dating. It’s all for show—”

“Could’ve fooled me.” You say in a higher pitch than your regular voice. “Do you hear yourself? You wanted to tell another girl you liked her after you were with someone else the night prior?”

“[Y/N], just listen to me first—”

“No. You listen to me.” You demand, “I was on cloud nine that day, Jaehyun. My scholarship application for my dream university was accepted, I was told I was graduating as valedictorian... just all the hard work I’ve dedicated my entire school life was paying off. I didn’t mean for you to be the first one to know, but I wanted to celebrate it with you, too — so, so badly, Jaehyun.”

Your sight starts to blur as you pause to take a breath, “I didn’t mean to go to that party, but I wanted to see you again. I spent extra time to fix myself up for you because you always called me nice things when I was naked and I wanted to hear you say those things when I’m clothed. I hate crowds — I hate them so much because I feel so out of place, but I ignored them all. I just wanted to see you. And I did. And I saw her.”

Your throat burns as you do your best to choke down your tears. He watches you, unmoving and unsure, so you continue speaking.

“And— and I-I’ve never… I’ve never felt that, you know? Just pure pain in my chest. I’ve never been jealous of anyone until I saw her. My head hurt with so many questions and if Minkyung hadn’t brought me out, I would have passed out. When she told me her story, my heart ached even more. I couldn’t believe you were capable of doing that to anyone but our stories matched up, word for word, Jaehyun. It made sense and up until on the way here, I would have given you the benefit of the doubt, but you didn’t even deny it.” Unable to hold back, you start to sob, “I wanted to tell you I loved you that night, Jaehyun.”

Saying those words out loud brought both relief and horror to your system; it felt nice to have something you kept to yourself for so long to finally see the light of day, but the last person you wanted to hear them was the person those words were for.

He’s visibly astonished by your confession; eyes wide and misty, and mouth agape, letting you see the soft wisps of his warm breath react to the cold air.

“H-how long have you been…”

You angrily shrug your shoulders, “I don’t know. I had inklings of it every time you were sweet to me, but I ignored them. But I knew I was when I saw you with Areum… because why else would my heart break for someone who isn’t mine.”

“I can be yours.” Jaehyun takes a step forward but you put your hand up to stop him, “It’s not too late, [Y/N].”

“I had a pregnancy scare, Jaehyun.” You softly admit, “I realized I was late, ironically, at the party and Minkyung took me back to her place so I can take a pregnancy test. It came out negative, but until I finally got my period days after I went back home to my parents, I was so fucking scared, Jaehyun.”

“Fuck.” He curses, “Shit, I’m sorry, [Y/N]. I… I should have told you the condom broke.”

Your ears were ringing again. It was as if the entire world decided to stop and the silence was deafening.

“You knew the condom broke and you didn’t tell me…?”

“I panicked, too! It’s the first time it happened—”

“Well, fuck, Jaehyun! Congratulations, you know what to do next time it does!” You start to breathe heavily, remembering the anxiety you felt a few weeks ago. “Do you know how hard it is to look my parents in the eye and tell them everything is fine when in the back of your mind you don’t know if you’re pregnant or not? And if I was, how the fuck am I going to explain our relationship to them? I’m the breadwinner of the family. I had one goal: succeed in school to get a good job in the city. Getting pregnant in high school? That is the easiest way to ruin everything both me and my parents have worked hard for.”

He swallows hard, “Would you have kept… the baby?”

You answer in a broken voice as another sob escapes you, “Yes.”

“I wouldn’t have let you go through that alone, [Y/N].” Jaehyun holds your hands, both frosty from being exposed to the winter weather, “I’m going to take responsibility. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, [Y/N]. I should have told you the moment I found out. I’m sorry you had to go through that alone.”

Your palms started to feel warm now that he held them tightly. This was the first contact you had with him in weeks. You would have thought you would crave more, but you don’t. You liked his hands, you told him this, you liked it that he touched you with them, but now they just felt like any other set of hands.

“You’re as clueless at love as me… just like how I was with sex a few months ago.” You try to crack a smile and force out a chuckle, but you end up streaming new tears down your cheeks. “And it’s easy to say that we can learn this together.”

His eyes light up, hopeful with your words. Only to grow wet as you struggle to say the next words.

“But I can’t.” You choke out, “I can’t be the one to learn this with you.”

You retract your hands from him, slipping them out of his hold, and curling them into fist to keep the warmth in.

“[Y/N].” His voice quivered, looking down at his empty hands, “What do I have to say or do for you to stay?”

It was odd and painful to see him cry; he exuded such a strong image and power with charisma that can be seen and felt for miles. Yet here he was, crumbling in front of you.

“Nothing.” You bit down your lip to keep it from trembling, “It was a mistake to even make that bet with you… but I don’t regret it.”

Jaehyun sniffs, cheeks and nose even redder now. You bravely put a hand on his cheek, wiping his tears with your thumb.

“A part of me will always be with you. It’s a part I’ll never get back and I don’t mind. Even though it was brief, I don’t regret falling in love with you.” You step closer to him, placing your other hand on his chest. He puts his hand over yours on his chest and the other on your waist. You look into each other’s eyes, studying each other for the last time before you push yourself up and kiss him.

It was bittersweet knowing this was the last kiss. Maybe that’s why both of you made the most of it, clinging onto each other like you were each other’s lifeline. There was no fighting for dominance, just moving your mouths against each other in complete sync. You exert every last drop of your emotions for him with this kiss until both of you pull away.

You start crying again, burying your face into his chest. His arms go around you, holding you tight as he starts to quietly sob as well.

“I wish I realized I liked you from the start…” He whispers, “If I had, I wouldn’t be saying I love you as a goodbye.”

His shoulders shake a little harder after he says those words and you hug him tighter. You stand in the freezing air, holding each other in silence until both of you notice the specks of white falling around you.

From an outsider’s point of view, seeing the two of you standing under the snowfall could probably paint a picture perfect scene of winter romance.

“I’m sorry.” You say, “You shouldn’t have brought me here. You had fond memories here.”

Jaehyun follows your gaze to the stretch of ice, the surface scratched up from ice skates. There’s no use in telling you that he still went here that day and witnessed a man go down on his knees in front of a woman. It had him thinking, but even then he knew it was ridiculous.

“And I still do.” He sniffs, returning his gaze to yours. “I’ll come back to this place and remember the times my family had picnics, or the times my dad and I went fishing, or skating, or skipping stones. Other than those, I’ll come back and remember this as the place I was able to tell the very first girl that I love her.”

Your chest constricts once more, but this time it doesn’t hurt. “You can come back here and remember that she loves you too.”

He smiles, although it doesn’t quite reach his eyes, or even bring out his dimples, “Even if she was the one that got away… I love her, nonetheless.”

You had always imagined breaking up would leave you broken beyond repair, sobbing in a crumpled up state on the ground — but then again, this wasn’t a break up. You two were ending things; a toxic relationship that neither of you acknowledged until it was too late. You still want to cry, you’re still hurting, but a part of you tells you it’s going to be okay.

The wind blows again and you gasp, shivering as the icy air seeped through your clothes.

Jaehyun chuckles, “Come on. Let’s get you home.”

You eagerly trek back to his car with him, putting your hands up to the heater once he turns it on. You think you heard him call you cute under his breath, but you don’t let it linger in your thoughts. You wait for him to play a song, but he never does. As he was about to reverse his car out of the parking lot, he pauses to look at you one last time.

He doesn’t say anything, so you don’t either. After a few seconds, he starts to drive and you watch the lake disappear from the side mirror.

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