#either watching a comedy show or he's got some secret night job as a stand up comedian

[fazcinatingblog]

Will Faz be at the pub for gather round? What does he do if not at the pub? What else would he want to be doing instead of seeing his third wife that he hasn't seen since last year and

[mini-moongi]

For Rent || Jin

Genre: Fluff, angst, comedy(?), Jin x asexual!reader

Warnings: mentions sexy times and multiple funky fresh sex themes but no actual frisky actions cause I ain’t about that,,

Summary: Bts is a line of men who can be rented for various sexual activities. One night, Kim Seokjin hits the jackpot of being rented for a whole month. When he shows up with all of his “gear”, the last thing he expects is to become a live-in fiancé with a girl who isn’t into sex.

This is a Fem!reader 

A/N: This was supposed to be a quick oneshot drabble, but it’s 3.6k words..... anyways, Happy Birthday @ahgassok​ !! this is for you :)

────── ☽. ✧₊∘ ──────

Seokjin get’s called into the office after his latest gig. He walks in, still dressed up in a suit and tie because his client requested it, and takes a seat across from his boss.

 “Seokjin, you’re really moving up the ladder these days, aren’t you?” His boss smiles warmly at all of the attention Jin has been getting. Seokjin does have to admit though, he wasn’t a popular choice on the roster when he first joined, but that doesn’t quite mean his ranks have been smooth sailing either. “I have very exciting news for you, kid.”

“What is it, Boss?” Seokjin questions. This could go in two very different directions. He was either getting promoted, or he was being sold to a bigger company. 

“A client wants to rent you out for a whole month.” The big boss man is beaming to high heavens when he announces it to Seokjin. Jin’s eyes widen at the thought of someone wanting him for a whole month, let alone the sheer thought of how much that costed them was enough to send shivers down his spine. 

“...what?” Jin responds as an afterthought. Most people would rent by the hour with him. This was the most common and usual source of income; Clients want a one night with no guilty conscience of the other party, and that was fine. Being rented for a few days or even a week, however, was a big deal within the group. Seokjin hadn’t ever had a client for a whole week, but his much more popular and younger coworkers had. He remembers the story Jungkook told him about being rented out to a sorority group for a week, and then being called back by them for another fun weekend in Miami.

But being rented for a whole month? And it wasn’t an already existing client, it was someone entirely new to him. The Head Honcho gives him a rundown of company manners, and Jin can only nod dumbly as he tries to soak up all of the new information. He receives the client’s list of likes and dislikes, and in a blink of an eye, he finds himself walking back out the way he came.

Taehyung is the first to approach him; it’s the next day when Jin is packing all of his clothes from the company dorms. “I heard the big news, Hyung!” Taehyung exclaims. Out of all of the members, Taehyung was the only one who’d get rented out by the months. People requested odd jobs from him. Once, he got called in to model for a magazine company and then have sex immediately afterwords with the manager. “I’m so proud,” Taehyung feigns a sob-like expression,” My Kim Seokjin is finally getting the kind of work he deserves.”

“How do you do it, Taehyung?” Seokjin continues to fold his clothes neatly into a suitcase. “I don’t even know who I’m going to be spending all of this time with. What if.. what if they turn out to be some secret trafficking network? What if I get thrown into an underground mafia cult?”

“You’ll be fine,” He pats Jin on the shoulder. “Our company holds strict regulations and runs background checks on every client. I do admit, though,” Taehyung lulls his head to one side,” clients like these are always unpredictable.”

A good night’s rest and suddenly he finds himself standing in front of the client’s door. He didn’t really know what kinds of sex toys to pack since their form was answered in the most unconventional way possible. Instead of a list of kinks and turn ons, there were written-in answers, so he only knew that she:

1. really enjoyed baking, but isn’t very good at it. He wasn’t sure if this person had a sweets kink or something, but he wasn’t going to complain about whipped cream foreplay. 

2. liked a more domestic approach to love. Want’s to be called Love, Honey, sweetie, baby, etc.

and that was it. Other than her name, age, and birthday, that was it. It did say that she wasn’t a virgin, but maybe she wanted to have the “first time” experience with someone again? Jin decided to pack more normal toys, vibrators, dildos, condoms, and whatnot. Taking a deep breath, he knocks on the door.

When it opens, he sees the girl from the profile picture he was given. The reality was closing in on him that he was really going to spend a month with her. “..uh, hello, my name is Kim Seokjin, and I--” He’s caught off guard when she wordlessly takes his hand and gently pulls him inside.

Her home is relatively small, but it’s so minimalistic and clean that it looks like it came straight out of ikea. “Your profile said that you majored in acting, right?” his client asks him, and he’s suddenly scrambling to make a good impression.

“Yeah, I... I was an acting major.” He smiles at her.

She doesn’t say anything else, so he comes up to the kitchen island. Jin watches as she busies herself in the kitchen, making a milk tea of sorts. Your initial impression on him was calm and collected: you seemed neat and organized like your living space. What he notices however, is the way her hands are trembling ever so slightly as she pours the drink into two glasses. He realizes that even as sweet and pretty as she was, there wasn’t a smile. You were biting the inside of your cheek, and trying to take subtle deep breaths.

“Your name is y/n, right?” He waits for you to nod before he continues. “I don’t want to overstep any boundaries here, but,” Jin looks into y/n’s eyes,”....is there something bothering you?”

Immediately, the illusion that y/n worked really hard on started to crumble. All of the composure she had completely left her body in one shaky sigh. “I’m.. I’m so sorry I have to drag you into this.” She slides him one of the drinks as she perches herself on a nearby stool. “I know you’re supposed to be like my sexy fun time man, but I’m ace, so that’s kind of out of the question.” Y/n stares into her cup as if it was the most interesting thing in the world.

“....Then why am I here?” Jin wonders aloud. He doesn’t mind the fact that you’re not into intercourse like he is, but then again, doing the do is kind of his job.

“My dad,” y/n swallows the lump forming in her throat. “he’s started bothering me with questions about my love life. I felt bad, being in my late twenties and all, so I told him that I was engaged. Last week, he told me he wanted to meet my fiancé and that he was going to stay here for a few weeks starting next week.”

Jin stares at her in disbelief, what has he gotten himself into? “And you’re telling me that I’m.... I’m the fiancé?” 

A dry laugh escapes her lips, and if it weren’t for the absurdity of the situation, Jin would tell her how pretty she was. “Yeah,” She looks at him, finally letting herself take in his features. An oversized hoodie was draped over his large body with black ripped skinny jeans hugging his legs for dear life. There isn’t a hint of anger written on his face, only a comforting (albeit a little shocked) smile. “My dad owns a pretty big company, and he recently had a near death experience. Ever since then, everyone’s been breathing down my neck making sure I was stable in every way possible. And I mean every single fucking way. ”

“Why?” Jin quips. He takes a sip out of her concoction, praying that she didn’t slip him a drug of any sort. Holy shit, it was the best thing he ever came across since discovering Jungkook’s fursona. It takes everything in him to not make some weird howl of pleasure at the utter euphoria his tastebuds were experiencing.

“So, when he inevitably passes,” she grimaces,” I’ll be able to take over. I love my old man, and I was hoping that he could retire before I see him drop dead in the middle of his office one day. He always tells me it’s harder to fall in love after people learn about what position you’re in. Hence this weird must-already-have-a-fiancé rule.” A smile barely ghosts her lips before she takes a sip of her drink,” Sorry; I’ll understand if you don’t want to have anything to do with my soap opera-esque situation.”

He quietly sips his drink, lost in this pool of new information. Surprisingly, he’s been calm this whole entire time. If he’d been thrusted into this situation years ago, he’d have flipped out in a not so good way. Thank god he found his big boy pants before this; he genuinely wanted to help y/n. She seemed to be really considerate, and he wanted to stay. At the very least, she’d probably be able to make a killer margarita with drink skills like these. “Out of the whole line-up, why’d you choose me?”

She’s stunned for a moment before replying,”Why wouldn’t I?”

“It’s just,” Jin swirls the drink with his straw,” I’m sure I wasn’t the first name to pop up on our page.”

“Oh,” Y/n tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. A light blush sweeps across her cheeks, and she clears her throat. “..Is it weird you somehow fit my ideal type? I guess if I had to pick something, it’d be the way you smile.”

The reply was so simple, and yet it struck a chord with him. Usually when he asks, they say they like his plump lips or his feet, and if he was unlucky enough, they’d tell him he was convenient. Jin chuckles,” Y/n, are you trying to flirt with me? I’m already yours, but knock yourself out, baby.”

The first few days were awkward, to say the least. Jin on the job, but not doing his job, was hard to get used to. He’d often wake up and wonder where he was, only to remember the agreement he made days ago that started it all. This morning was much like the other ones: brief seconds of confusion followed by acceptance. Y/n’s house was nice, but after his conversation, she grew a little distant; the house felt emptier when she didn’t talk to him.

Jin rolls out of his bed, and trudged into the kitchen. This morning, he woke up earlier than her. Deciding that if he was hired to be a fiancé, he was going to be the best damned fiancé that she’d ever have. 

That morning was different from your usual mornings. You woke up to a sweet smell lingering in the air. In the early morning haze, you half dress yourself and wander into the kitchen area. The low sizzle of the pan greeted your ears, and Jin’s broad shoulders stood hunched over the stove. He notices your presence, and turns around with a smile, the pan still in his hands. 

“Good morning, sweetheart.” He says.

“...good morning?” Your brain is still trying to wake up and process what’s happening. “Am I dreaming right now?”

The response is just lighthearted chuckle. “I’ve made pancakes, do you want some?”

You nod without hesitation. The smell had your mouth watering, and the thought of its taste was like music to your ears. He slides a plate in front of you and pulls the syrup from the fridge. You both dig in, savoring the fluffy taste of pancakes. 

“You know, I’ve got to ask,” Seokjin starts,” what about the rings? We’re supposed to wear some, right?”

If you weren’t awake earlier, that question really woke your stupor. “oh.” was all that came out of you for a painfully long time. “...So you’re really okay with this?”

“It might be the weirdest job I’ve taken on, but yeah. I’m ready to fuck around if you are--- but not literally, I promise. I know how to keep my dick in my pants.” He laughs.

You’re relieved that he’s actually okay with this. The past few days, you were waiting for your proposition to sink in and see him leave whilst waving around a middle finger in the air. A breath you’ve been holding in finally came out. “Okay, I’ll go get the rings. I’ll be back in a sec.”

When you return, he’s still sitting there at the counter, patiently waiting for you. A part of you wished your past lovers were like this in real life: someone who’s this patient and kind can only be bought, you suppose. You open up the velvet box, revealing the two rings that were a part of your elaborate plan. 

“May I?” Seokjin breathes out. You nod and watch him carefully pick up the ring meant for you. He stifles a laugh and clears his throat. “Miss Y/n L/n, will you marry me for like, a month?”

“Yeah,” you smile. He slips the ring onto your finger, feeling the cool metal against your skin. It’s shiny and beautiful; it’s the perfect wedding ring. Of course, you did pick it out yourself and vividly recalling sweating bullets when asked any questions regarding your marriage. 

You pick up his ring and giggle a little to yourself; by Monday, you’d have to play the biggest game of pretend in your life. “Mr. Kim Seokjin, will you marry me for a month?” He gasps and fakes a shedded tear.

“I thought you’d never ask.”

------

You go on multiple dates and try to fabricate your story before Monday arrives. He’s much funnier than you anticipated him being, and he’s really good company to be around. “I almost choked Jimin out for not cleaning my fucking dildos. Like, who does that to a guy who lets you borrow them in the first place?” 

Your stomach hurts so bad from how much you’re laughing. Shrek 2 is playing, but it’s long forgotten as it turns into background noise. Jin relays his very bad experiences on the job, and his stories are so outlandish that you sometimes question the validity of it. “Are you kidding me? Remind me to never let him borrow my socks. I don’t trust him after everything you’ve told me.” 

Jin his desperately holding back his laughter, but the dam breaks soon enough. Monday morning arrives, and exactly at 10 in the morning, the doorbell rings. You make eye contact with Jin,”It’s show time.” You whisper.

You open the door and greet your father. “Y/n! I’ve missed you so much,” he hugs you closer than before, and you can’t help but smile at your dad’s affection. 

“Dad, this is my fiancé that I’ve told you about, his name is Kim Seokjin.” You watch as your old man’s face lights up, and he eagerly rushes over to him. Your father takes JIn’s hand in his and shakes it with enthusiasm. “You’ll have plenty of time to say hello.” You giggle.

After you and Jin get your father’s things settled into the guest bedroom, everything starts to sink in a little too well. Earlier you agreed that it’d “be weird if you didn’t sleep in the same bed together” and so, all of Jin’s items moved into your room, sex tools included. “What should we do about dinner? I feel like it might get weird at the table together.” He whisper-yells to you. Fear gripped onto his body,”What if I accidentally talk about Yoongi’s butt plug accident?”

It takes everything in you to not bust out in giggles right there in the guest room. “You’ll be fine, Jin,” You set the last of his things by the bedside table. “Just please, watch your mouth.”

Just as you both suspected, dinner was very awkward. “So, how did you meet my daughter?” Your dad asks as he picks away at his food.

“Oh, uh,” Jin glances over at you. There was no way to really know what you were thinking, but a subtle thumbs up soothed his worries a little. “We met at a mutual friend’s party. Yeah,” he smiles,” It was at Namjoon’s book club celebration when we first met.”

“You should’ve seen it dad. I’d have never thought that book clubs were so wild before,” you absolutely sell it to the big guy. Your elaborate stories and too accurate to be fake details worked. 

The rest of dinner went smoothly, in fact, the rest of your dad’s stay was absolutely fucking perfect. Jin was able to use his PG 13 humor (re: dad puns) and fortunately, your dad likes stale jokes. Everything was going great, and you’d even convinced your dad that retirement was a good idea.... that is, until today.

“....but didn’t you say that you met at a book club?”

You looked over at Jin like a deer caught in the headlights. Crap, you just told that you two met online. Jin notices your panicked expression. If this mission fails, Jin will have been royally fucked sideways like a sock puppet. “We first talked online, but we met in person during the book club meeting!!” He stammers out.

The tension built up inside of you faded away, and you make a note to remind yourself to tell Jin how big-brained he is. You don’t really know what’s happened to you and Jin, but all morning there have been slip-up after slip-up after slip-up. (after yet another slip-up.) 

Your father isn’t fully convinced though, and you fear that he’s caught on. “...I don’t know if I believe you right now.” uh oh. He squints at the two of you as you both sweat profusely with nervous smiles upon your faces. “Seokjin, why do you want to marry my daughter?”

Jin looks at you, but your dad keeps pressing on. “How can I be sure that you love her, and this isn’t some big ruse to run away with all of our money? I can see that y/n loves you to death, but for some unknown reason,” He stops to cross his arms. “I just feel like there’s something you’re not telling me. I don’t want to have to do a background check on you, so your best bet is to come clean.”

Jin takes a deep breath. “Sir, with all due respect, I think that if we told you how we’d actually met, you wouldn’t take our relationship seriously. I love y/n, I love her absolutely to the moon and back.” Jin grabs your hand firmly in his and gives it a gently squeeze. He looks at you and the soothing words part from his lips. “Even after you fly back home, I plan to spend my life with her, regardless of what you say.”

At this point you’re not sure where he’s going with this. The longer he talks, the more it sounds like the words are directed at you. “The truth is, we aren’t really married.” Jin looks back at your dad, who furrows his brow at the complex lie he was told the past month. “--But if this is what it’s like to be married to y/n, I think it might actually happen.”

“What? Jin I--” You’re unbelievably shocked. He just revealed to your dad that no, sorry pops, your only child isn’t married to a super cool guy. The possibility of actually being married to Jin perplexed you, though. Is this still the actor in him talking, or is he saying the truth? 

“Look,” your father sighs,” I don’t know what situation you’ve put yourself in to pretend you’re married, but damn it all to hell if you don’t actually marry this boy.” Your dad breaks out into a grin, signifying that Jin has passed the test. “If you don’t make him my son-in-law, I’ll find a way to do it myself.”

You’re still paralyzed as you watch your dad engulf Seokjin in a hug. Your dad looks happy to have met Seokjin, and vise versa. They get along better than peas in a pod, you realized. When this mission is over though, will you ever see Jin again? Already you’ve begun to miss his laughter. The way he sings in the shower, the way he pushes up his glasses while he’s reading, the way he says I love you; you’re going to miss it. All of it.

Like a final curtain call, the deal is over. You hand Seokjin an envelope containing the cash you owe him for his service. He takes it, and he places it onto his packed suitcase. Your eyes never leave his figure, and you watch as he gets up to be more leveled with you. “Y/n,” He says. “I meant what I said the other day; we may not be married now, but that doesn’t mean I won’t propose in the future.”

“This is your job talking right?” You laugh, but it lacks the usual give of happiness. “Don’t think it’s going to give you a bonus, hot stuff.”

“I’m serious.” He looks at you tenderly,” I actually really like you, you know. Hoseok regularly fucks a big corporate guy, so I have discounts at every Starbucks location if you wanna go out somewhere.” His thumb glides over the ring on your finger, lost in thought for a moment. “Call me a pool noodle and ride me backwards, but I think I’m going to miss you too much to actually leave.” 

“...Besides, I think the ring on my finger is stuck so--” he drawls out.

You snort in surprise, giggles bubbling from inside of you. Genuine ones this time. “I was going to miss you too, but I won’t have to if you’re not leaving.”

“I never really planned on it, sweetheart.”

────── ☽. ✧₊∘ ──────

A/N: my brain..... ‘tis empty...

[alwaysahiccupandastrid]

Social Media AU - Social Killing (Part 24)

We’ll be taking a little closer look at the show itself next time...and we’ll see just how Richie’s performance is recieved by the fans 👀

I know the writing for the interview is small, so I’ve put the transcript below just in case anyone needs it!

Also, yes, I am in fact a giant moron who wrote that Social Killing was a weekend-show, and have only now realized that in the interview, it says “Wednesday night” because I wrote it like a month back and forgot I put that. Please pretend that the publication in charge of the interview got the wrong day, and that it is in fact Sunday nights!

----------

Our correspondent, Vincent Lewis, sat down with the main cast of the upcoming Hulu drama “Social Killing” this afternoon to learn more about the show, as well as what drew the cast to the project and what it was like to work together.

Vince: Hello, it’s wonderful to meet you all.

Riley Andersen: Aww, it’s nice to meet you too!

Vince: I can imagine it’s been a long day of press and interviews for you all.

Richie Tozier: Too long.

Jay B: It’s been insane to be honest. It’s unlike anything any of us have ever seen, I think.

Evan Harrison: Yeah, but it’s been fun too, in a weird way.

Vince: I’ll get right to it then. First of all, congratulations to all of you on the show, it’s been receiving rave reviews all around, and it looks like it’s set to be a hit.

Jay: Thanks.

Vince: So, can you tell us a little bit about the characters you four play? No spoilers necessary, just the basic so we know who’s who!

(All four look at each other and laugh)

Richie: I mean…

Evan: Ladies first!

Riley: (laughing) Geez, you guys are mean! Okay, so I play Hailey and she’s a cheerleader at Blackwood High, where the series is set, and she’s...complicated. She isn’t the stereotypical mean cheerleader you usually see in television shows, but she’s definitely not above doing what it takes for her to stay on top.

Vince: Interesting! Gentlemen…?

Evan: Okay, so I play Blake, who’s this kind of preppy, snobbish guy who went to boarding school but has transferred to Blackwood for unknown reasons. He knows pretty much all the town’s secrets since he comes from a rich family and so he kind of has his links everywhere in town.

Jay: I play Sean, who’s this beloved teacher at the school - all the students love him since he’s not stuffy or uptight. He’s kinda the cool English teacher who’s probably smoked a spliff with all his students at some point. But he has a double life that no one knows about, and he wants it to stay that way because he’s seeking justice for something that’s happened to him in the past few years.

Richie:...Oh shit, me. I play a guy called Ted, and he’s brand new to town because he’s looking for a new start after something super tragic happened in his past. So he takes the drama teacher position that just opened up, and he starts to realize that something is kind of off about the town - which, you know, is kinda understatement of the fucking century!

Vince: So everyone’s got a secret then…

Riley: Basically none of us can be trusted, that’s what you should know.

Vince: Now obviously, Jay, you’ve been working pretty consistently in the business since you were young - you would do Canadian kids DIY shows and Québécois dubbing, is that correct?

Jay: Yeah. God, how fucking lame is that?

Vince: No, no, I used to love watching those Canadian kids shows! But since becoming an adult, you’ve done all sorts - comedy, obviously, drama, horror, animation...so what led you to “Social Killing”?

Jay: Well, I mean, my agent sent me a script and I was like ‘holy shit this could be good’; then I saw that Richie fucking Tozier was getting involved and I was like ‘okay, drop everything, I have GOT to do this damn show now’.

Vince: Did you two know each other before doing the show?

Richie: I mean, kinda. He came backstage at some of my shows a few times, and I was like ‘this guy is fucking awesome’. He’s Canadian, so that’s why.

Jay: I’m a very proud Canadian, yeah. Sorry, America, but Canada is the greatest country in the world.

Riley: America sucks right now, so don’t apologize.

Jay: But yeah, I’ve always wanted the chance to work with Richie on something since he’s one of my favourite comedians, so this was a huge opportunity for me.

Richie: And then he actually met me properly and regretted that shit.

(All of them crack up laughing)

Vince: As I understand it, Riley, you’re not entirely new to the world of show business either, because before joining the show you were a dancer.

Richie: Wait, what??

Riley: Yeah, I was. I was a professional dancer.

Jay: Jesus Christ.

Richie: A fucking PROFESSIONAL dancer?!

Riley: Oh come on, you guys knew I was a dancer!

Richie: Not professionally! I thought you just did it for a hobby, not as an actual job!

Riley: Anyway...I danced back-up for a few people, did some background dance work on movies and shows, but this is my first time acting.

Evan: And she’s incredible at it. It’s amazing.

Vince: As I understand it, Evan, you’re also brand new?

Evan: Well, this is my first big role. I did some theatre for a few years, played some gigs at bars to get by, but this is what I really want to be doing. I was so excited when I got cast that I nearly started crying - it’s a dream come true.

Riley: Aww.

Vince: Finally, Richie… You’re a fantastic stand-up comedian, I love your work, but this is your first time acting in anything. What made you want to transition from stand up to television, especially now?

Richie: Woah, yeah, I mean...yeah. (laughs) Honestly, I wanted to do something new. A lot of stuff has changed in the last few years, mostly the content of my stand-up, and I want to distance myself from that old shit as much as possible. And, you know, I’m married now, we’re expecting our first kid soon, so it’s all super serious and shit.

Vince: Congratulations!

Richie: Yeah, thanks! So with the show, I wanted to just...show that I could do it, I guess. Show I was more than just some shitty comedian doing misogynistic jokes that weren’t true. The writers approached me originally since they wanted some humor in the show, but...I guess they liked the other stuff I did once I was on-set.

Riley: Just for the record, I like your new stuff better.

Jay: Oh yeah, for real.

Evan: I still remember seeing the comeback show, first time you did your own material, and I was so blown away. Not just the actual material, but the way you performed and talked about your friends on-stage...it was amazing.

Richie: Thanks, man.

Vince: So, what was it like for the four of you to work together? Were there any scenes where all four of you were present?

Jay: Oh, man…

Evan: (mock dying) Spoilers. Can’t. Give. Them. Away.

Richie: Yeah, you can't see it, but in the building across the road there’s a Hulu representative with a sniper ready to take us out if they think we’ll fuck up.

Vince: Alright, alright, I get it! But what was it like working together? Fun?

Riley: Oh yeah. Definitely. These three guys are super funny and great to work with, you know? Evan would sing songs on set between takes, and we’d all have little impromptu karaoke sessions. Jay is just...really sweet but funny, he keeps quiet sometimes but he genuinely is really fun to be around; he goes nuts about hockey. Richie kept us all laughing, of course, even when we had to shoot more challenging scenes - without giving too much about the show away, there were times where we would be filming, and we’d all be feeling down or tired, and it was really hard. But Richie would keep our spirits up by making jokes, and making sure we were all hanging in there.

Evan: Yeah, Richie’s the best.

Riley: He’s a talented actor too, which is nice to work with.

Jay: Aww jeez, Riley…

Richie: You’re making us sound awesome, and we look like assholes just sitting here nodding.

Evan: To be honest, I worked more with Riley than anyone else and she really undersells herself.

Richie: Yeah. She’s actually super funny - I mean, she’s great on the show but she pulls off comedy pretty well too. I think she’d do pretty well on a comedy show or something. You know, if the show doesn’t work out. (Winks)

Riley: Coming from Trashmouth Tozier, that’s like...the most wonderful thing someone has ever said to me. Oh my god.

Vince: Well, I was going to ask what it was like, being surrounded by all male leads - obviously there are females too, but you four are the focus, and you’re the only woman.

Riley: (laughing) Shh, I don’t think- I don’t think they’ve realized I’m not a guy yet! Don’t tell them!

Jay: Nah, she’s one of the guys clearly!

Richie: Wait, you’re a WOMAN? My life has been a lie, Riley Andersen!

Riley: The blonde ponytail and cheerleading skirt didn’t give it away then.

Richie: It’s 2018, anything can happen. I’d wear a cheerleading skirt. I’m sure my husband would be up for that.

Evan: I am very jealous that Riley got to wear the skirt and I didn’t. It would have made my ass look fantastic.

Jay: I’m not sure if my fiancée would be amused or terrified by me in a cheerleading outfit. I’m like 110lbs soaking wet, so fuck knows what I’d look like.

Riley: (throwing her arms around him) Jay, no, you’d look great! Be more confident in yourself!

Richie: (in a Canadian accent) It’s his Canadian modesty, eh?

Jay: (laughing) Fuck off.

Richie: (still-Canadian-accent) Still mad you left your tuque in the washroom, eh?

Evan: Oh god.

Vince: On that note...thank you so much for meeting with me. Good luck with the show!

“Social Killing” starts 9pm on Wednesday night on Hulu.

[thejollyroger-writer]

Historical Inaccuracies

a/n: Inspired by a chat in the discord, this story was born out of Killian’s love for history and America’s hatred for the British while on historical tours. Up until last night, this fic was lovingly referred to as “the history nerd fic,” and it is dedicated to @welllpthisishappening @profdanglaisstuff @kmomof4 and @shireness-saysIt is, of course, Fourth of July themed, like all of Mary Margaret’s outfits on this trip. 

Read it on AO3 if that’s more your jam

3k words // rated G

SUMMARY:  When David and Mary Margaret's son wants to go on the Freedom Walk guided tour in Boston for his birthday, Emma and Killian tag along, still hiding their relatively-new relationship from their friends. But when the tour guide starts to berate a certain group of people from across the pond, both Killian's anger and their relationship come out.

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Killian would do anything for his godson. Of course, he would do anything for his nephew, Charlie, too, but the hour-long car trip from Boston to Northbridge is far easier than the flight across the Atlantic to his brother and his wife in England. 

But this? This is a new level of Hell, right here in the middle of Boston. 

Not all of it is terrible. He gets to share an apartment with his girlfriend, their fairly-new relationship still a secret to their best friends. They both took off work for Leo’s birthday celebration, so they get to spend a few days together, without either of them having to worry about their jobs, since she could manage a few days without going after someone who skipped bail, and his university was off for the summer. And their best friends are back in town, their seven-year-old in tow. It really was a “stay-cation” that he was looking forward to, especially since the thing Leo wanted the most was to spend days on historical tours of Killian's favorite city, some of them led by Killian himself, and others led by costumed tour guides in celebration of the Fourth of July week in Boston.  

But it's one of these costumed tour guides that is putting Killian through hell. Ben. Ben, a twenty-something year old, probably a college student, with shaggy ginger hair and a freckle-covered face, wearing an American Revolutionary War uniform.

He got through the part of the tour where Ben referred to the British soldiers during the Revolutionary War as the “bloody Brits,” paired with a terrible fake accent. He got through the discussion of the Boston Tea Party where Ben instead referred to them only as the “Colonizers.” 

But now? 

“You know,” Ben says, turning around to look at their small group as he leads them down the last few blocks towards the Faneuil Market, the ending place for their tour. “We focus so much on the Brits of the past on this tour, but what about the Brits of the present?” 

There’s a small smattering of laughter from the group, but Killian squeezes his hands into fists, tight enough for them to quickly start shaking. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Emma turn to him, making sure he is okay, and though he is decidedly not, there’s nothing they can do without calling attention to him. 

This is one form of torture. Everyone around him learning he is one of these bloody Brits would be something more. Or, he fears it would. Hence why he hasn’t spoken since the tour started, simply happy to be spending time with the people closest to him. 

“It’s one thing to colonize countries when it was all the rage. Everyone was colonizing when the British ruled the Americas, and the Brits colonized everyone — but to still have colonies? In the twenty-first century?” 

There’s a mumble of approval through the group. 

Killian just rolls his eyes. 

“And who still has a queen, in this day and age?” he jokes, and this gets a few laughs in response. “Nowadays, the Royal Family seems more like the stars of a reality show then the people ruling a nation. I mean, why does it matter what the prince’s wife wears on a daily basis? That’s the status of a celebrity, not of a woman who might one day rule the whole country.” There are a few more laughs, the crowd now getting more into his new-found stand up comedy role. 

Killian disagrees, pressing his teeth lightly into his tongue. 

(Though he would never admit it, Killian kind of agrees with this point. The fame of the Royal Family has seemed a little irrelevant to him over the past few years — though it was never something that Killian would talk about in public.)

Emma hears Killian huff beside her, groaning under his breath. What she can’t see is the way his teeth are practically cutting into his tongue, the faint taste of blood taking over his mouth. 

He’s surprised to feel Emma’s hand wrap around his, and the warmth of it, even in the bright city sun, calms the boiling of his blood. 

She has been his best friend for years. Sure, they may not have gotten along that well when they first became neighbors her and David’s senior year of college, but that was almost twelve years ago. Since then, they have watched David and Mary Margaret fall in love, move out of the city, get married, and have Leo, with their second on the way. They have seen Killian go through two roomates: Jefferson and Robin, leaving him with Will currently. 

They have seen Emma go through more. Ruby, Belle, Zelena, Regina, and Tink, all of whom tended not to stay too long, though only Regina and Tink left because of Emma: Regina because they were too different, their schedules opposites, Regina much more meticulous than Emma could ever be. 

And Tink? Tink was insanely jealous of her friendship with Killian, even more jealous when their friendship became more. It was only a few weeks before that she heard Tink shouting Killian’s name through the thin bedroom walls in the middle of the night while she was staying in Killian’s apartment, which pushed Emma to ask her to move out. 

Because after everything, they fell in love. 

The only issue with that is they decided not to tell David and Mary Margaret yet. It’s not that they don’t think their friends would be happy for them — Mary Margaret would probably start screaming, and after David stopped leveling him with his gaze, he would crack a smile, as well. 

But it’s only been five months. They decided to wait longer until they told their friends, and holding hands in the middle of Boston is not the way to keep their relationship secret. 

It helps the angry pounding of his heart, though, which is almost enough for him to not care.

“Why is their flag so busy?” Ben asks, pulling an old-fashioned American flag out of his pocket, one with thirteen stars. “All those lines going every which way and all that — not to mention the colors. Red, white, and blue, so original.” 

At this, Leo turns around to Emma and Killian, standing at the back of the group. Just the night before, Killian had gone through the history of the British flag with the lad, who sat cross-legged on the floor of his apartment, his bright eyes wide with interest. 

But when he sees Killian and Emma standing behind him, old enough to know what their intertwined hands means, his eyes widen in a completely different way. Emma can swear that everything around her slows down as Leo opens his mouth to say something, and she presses her finger to her lips before he can make a sound. He looks worried for a moment, until Killian winks and smiles at him, and the smile returns to the seven year old’s face and he turns back to the tour guide. 

This time, when Killian turns to Emma, she lets out a sigh of relief. 

“And don’t even get me started on tea!” Ben says, pulling Killian’s attention back to him. “Why are they so high and mighty about their tea? We all know that coffee is the far superior hot beverage.” 

To none of his friend’s surprise, this is when Killian cracks: if Killian Jones has strong opinions about anything, it's coffee. “Oi, really, mate?” he yells, and he couldn’t have sounded more British if he tried. When every eye in the group turns towards him, his face reddens even more, and Emma’s not sure if it’s from embarrassment or anger. 

Probably both. 

Though when she sees David’s gaze fall to their hands, his eyes widening in surprise, her cheeks redden in her own embarrassment. 

“Not a single piece of information you just supplied is correct, do you know that? Or if it is, it’s completely biased.” He’s on a roll, not stopping now, and even as he runs his fingers through his hair, his grip on her hand tightens, as if it's the one thing stopping him from truly losing control. Emma fears it just might be. “Yes, okay, Great Britain still has colonies, but do you know who else does? America! Australia, Denmark, the Netherlands, France, they all have colonies! It’s more than just us bloody Brits. And do you know that the queen doesn’t actually ‘rule the entire country’?" He definitely has not stopped to take a breath, which worries her. "There’s a whole system of people who work with her, who keep her in check, and it might be a system that’s a few hundred years old, but I’ll tell you this, our checks and balances work much better than whatever bullshit that happens here.” 

A few of the younger people in the group all go “Oooh!”, some of them laughing, others outraged, but it’s all nothing compared to the surprised outrage written across Ben’s freckled features. 

When he starts again, the words are tumbling madly from his lips, much angrier when he conveyed the same information to Leo the night before. “The British Flag is a culmination of the British, Scottish, and Irish from when King James I of Scotland inherited all three thrones, so it’s technically not just one flag, but three all out together. It represents the same kind of unity that your American flag is also supposed to represent, three countries coming together in unity, though of course that’s not the flag that we use anymore. It was redesigned when Great Britain and Ireland were united in 1801, and that is the flag that you all recognize as our Union Jack.” 

He stops for a moment, looking around the group, his blue eyes wide with anger, with madness — pausing for a moment on David, whose eyes are not on his face, but on his hand, which he realizes in this moment is still wrapped around Emma’s. 

Shit. Shit, shit, shit. 

His free hand raises to scratch at the spot behind his ear that always seems to itch when he finds himself embarrassed. “I’m not even going to start on the tea comment, because that’s just plain bullshit,” he says after a silent second, his voice even again, and he even laughs lightly, which makes the tension that has filled the group lighten a bit. 

Except for Ben. 

Ben looks like he’s never been more embarrassed in his life. It’s a definite possibility that he actually hasn’t. 

A beat passes. The group is silent. 

And then Ben, still red in the face, claps his hands together, standing on the steps in front of the market before them. 

“I would like to thank each of you for joining me on this Freedom Trail Walk during this year’s 38th annual Boston Harborfest. I hope you’ll all join us on Thursday for the Parade of Lights and Fireworks, which starts at 8:30. If anyone still needs to find a place to sit to enjoy them, let me know, I have a few suggestions. Enjoy the rest of the celebration!” 

The group begins to dissipate, David leading their whole crew a few steps away from where the bulk of the group still stands. Killian moves to let go of Emma’s hand, to try and make the conversation he knows is going to happen a little less awkward, but Emma refuses to let go. Killian turns to her, David and Mary Margaret still leading them with Leo between them. He catches her eye, and when she turns her head and smiles at him, he pulls their hands up to his lips, pressing a kiss to her knuckles. 

Her smile widens. 

He hears her unspoken words, a question she desperately wants to ask him: are you sure? He hopes that the smile that takes over his face is answer enough. 

Because he's sure. He may never have been so sure about anything in his life as he is about Emma — as he is about loving her, about wanting to be with her badly enough to have to incur the wrath of their best friends — of her brother — finding out like this. 

God, he loves her. It's not the first time he's had the thought, but it's the first time he's realized just how true it all is. He's not ready to tell her, to tell anyone, but he's ready enough to believe it in his own mind. To think it when he looks at her, when he wakes up curled around her in the morning, when he's buried deep inside her. 

Sure, they've only been together for a few months, but he's been in love with her for years. He tried to bury it beneath bottles of rum, tried to hide from it by using other women, but every time when he woke up beside one of them, he would dream it was her, wake up hoping it wasn't just a dream, and regret when that was not the truth.

Needless to say, the first morning he finally woke up beside her, golden locks strewn all over his face and his chest, his arm asleep from refusing to move away from her during the night, was the greatest morning of his life. 

"Alright," David says, turning back to the two of them to turn their group into a circle. But when his eyes go wide, they are not focused on Killian and Emma's joined hands, but instead just over Killian's shoulder. 

Not a moment later, he feels a tap on it, paired with a soft-spoken, "Excuse me, sir." 

He whips his head towards the sound, now releasing his grip on Emma's hand, and when he meets the eyes of the person standing behind him, he remembers why Emma reached over to grab his hand in the first place, which he's both happy and angry about. 

Ben. 

He still looks like he's never been more embarrassed in his life. 

Good. 

"I, uh, I just really wanted to apologise for what… happened," he says, his eyes falling to the pavement. "I really have no problems with the British, just to clear that up. I just — I never had anyone on my tour that's not American — not that you're not American, of course, that's not what — not what I'm saying, it's just — " 

Finally, Killian stops him, raising his hands up between them. "Listen, lad," he says, and Emma can't help but think that his accent is stronger than it usually is. Or maybe she's just focusing on it more. "I appreciate your apology. I just hope this is a lesson to really know who's in your group before you go poking fun at other countries, especially ones whose residents are such hard-headed gits, aye? Not everyone will be as forgiving as I am." 

It's not until he smiles at him that Ben realizes he's serious. "Th—thank you," he stutters, his voice soft, and after a moment passes (one Killian is pretty sure neither of them breathe through), he turns to walk away. 

When Killian turns back towards his friends, the sigh he lets out is both audible and visible, the rise and fall of his shoulders obvious. "Well, that was exciting," he says after yet another silent moment passes between them, and then turns to David. "What's the plan, boss?" 

But it's Mary Margaret who responds. "Oh, no, uh-uh, no way." She shakes her head, crossing her arms over the third different stars-and-stripes dress that has made an appearance this week. 

When David mirrors her appearance, Leo looks back and forth between them a few times before he does the same. If they weren't teaming up against her, Emma would think they're adorable. 

But since they are teaming up against her, that ruins it a bit. 

"Yeah," David says, his bright eyes narrowing into slits. "It seems the two of you have to explaining to do." 

"Yeah!" Leo adds, though his glare is not as piercing as his parents'.

"What's there to explain?" Killian asks, his voice much calmer than Emma's would have been, especially once he reaches out to wrap his arm around her shoulder, pulling himself closer to her. "We're dating. It's still relatively new to us, and we didn't want to get anyone's hopes up in case it doesn't work out." 

At his words, David's face softens, but when Emma turns to Mary Margaret, hers has not. "How long has this been going on?" 

Now it's Emma's turn to answer, the lump in her throat almost completely gone now, but her voice is still soft when she manages to speak. "Not very long. Just a few months, four? Maybe five?" 

This does not make Mary Margaret any calmer, either. "Five months! You've been dating for five months and you haven't told anyone?!" 

Emma feels her face growing hot. This is why they haven't told anyone. 

"And why do you think that is, hm?" Killian asks, gesturing towards Mary Margaret with his free hand. 

This silences the woman, enough for her to snap her mouth shut. 

"I guess, uh, it makes sense now," David says, realizing exactly what Killian and Emma hoped he had: that Mary Margaret's response was exactly what they had expected. 

But the best thing about David and Mary Margaret finding out happened two nights later, when Killian realized he didn't want to move back into his apartment when David asked if they could stay a few days longer than expected. 

They even invited the rest of their friends over to help move his things into her apartment, sitting out on the balconies to watch the fireworks over the bay. 

A year later, he stood in the exact same place to ask her to marry him, and was sure to tell everyone the very next day at the Nolan's first annual Fourth of July barbeque. 

[dontfeelbadimusuallyabouttodie]

Secrets Secrets Are No Fun | Bellamy x Reader

*Before the 100 were sent down to Earth there was a time of peace. Bellamy was working towards being a fair and just guard, all the while keeping his family’s secret. However, nothing has ever come easy for this dark haired leader, while working towards his dream, he meets someone unexpected. Y/N is one of the lucky few to live in luxury on the Ark. Her parents serve as members on Jaha’s Council. She never knew what lay beyond the Alpha Station. Soon, a chance encounter with a mysterious guard will open her to experiences she never thought were possible.*

My mother once told me that you never realize defining moments in your life until they become memories. That an ordinary day has the capability to completely change you as a person. Some believe that it’s the big moments that shape you into the person you become.Yet, she believes it’s the small details that slowly transform you. 

That being said, let me tell you, sitting here in Earth Skills, is definitely not a defining moment that will mould me into a better person. Our professor has been droning on for twenty minutes now about how to find drinkable water in a desert environment. I shift uncomfortably in my seat and then peer out of the window to my left, fighting against my heavy eyes to take a much needed nap.

Earth floats out there, void of any life and incapable of supporting any habitable conditions for humans, at least for the next few years. At least that’s what we’ve been told since we were old enough to understand. I’ve always dreamed of what it’s like down there, is it barren like a desert, or have the toxic oceans filled with mutant creatures? Ways of rebuilding the once prosperous land are always flitting through my thoughts. The architecture, buildings, and bridges that I’ve seen in movies and books fascinate me. 

I wonder if I’ll ever step foot on Earth in this lifetime. Part of me wants to see it happen and the other is scared at the possibility. I’m jerked out of my thoughts by the sound of laughter which is unusual because no one ever enjoys Earth Skills. I look around and see that the last few students are packing up to leave and Professor Bose is chatting up two guards.

One is a tall, serious looking man with bright shaggy blonde hair. He looks like he’s never smiled a day in his life. I can tell even from where I’m sitting, his straight posture and crossed arms signaled that he meant business. The other guard is a smiling young man with beautiful tanned skin. I’ve never seen him before and that’s a damn shame. 

He fills out the guard uniform nicely, and he stands laughing with Professor Bose in a relaxed stance. His hair is slicked back and I can’t help but wonder what it would look like messy. Like if I were to run my hands through it would it fall in waves or it is naturally straight?

“Miss Y/L/N, is something the matter? Class ended ten minutes ago.” Bose finally realizes that I’m still here.

I snap out of my stupor with rosy cheeks and began to collect my things. “Uh no, everythings fine, Professor Bose, I was just riveted by your lecture and had to take a moment to process it all.” 

Bose seems to like my answer and proudly straightens to his full height of 5’3. His cheeks fill with color as he says, “Why thank you, Miss Y/L/N, it’s nice to know my efforts to prepare you are appreciated.”

The burn of guilt settles into my stomach, I’m so going to Hell for that. The two guards turn their attention to me. I flush with all of the eyes on me and quickly shoulder my book bag.

Before he can ask me any more questions I slip out of my desk and quietly pass the two guards, not making eye contact with either. I make my way over to my locker to pick up a few things for my next class.

“Hi!” A bright and chipper voice squeals behind me, causing me to jump. A familiar face comes into view and I recognize one of my best friends, Briar. Her brown curls sway as she bounces in her spot. 

“Hi Briar, you’re looking even more energized than normal.” I say with a smile. 

“Why thank you, Y/N/N. I’ve been dying to tell you about the gossip I heard today in Ark History.”

I shake my head at her antics because she knows I have no interest in hear say but I let her tell me all about it on the way to our next class. 

After another boring lecture, Briar and I make our way to the cafeteria. At lunch, my group of friends gather around a table and catch up. We joke, laugh, and even argue over the most trivial things and I treasure this hour every day. 

“I say we skip fourth hour and take a trip to the cinema, they’re playing the Hunger Games! You know that’s my favorite classic.” Jen exclaims. 

“I don’t need any convincing, I’m down. Anything to get me out of Layton’s class, I swear that man has it out for me.” Brexten groans.

Jen laughs, “Well of course he does, you set him and the classroom literally on fire.”

“How was I supposed to know sulfuric acid and potassium mixed together was explosive?” I quietly giggle at him. Brex was incredibly good looking with his green eyes, perfect golden tan, and sandy blonde hair, but damn, his looks did nothing for that boy in school.

“That was the whole lesson! You slept through it and tried to finish the lab in ten minutes.” I outburst with a peal of laughter along with my friends much to Brex’s dismay.

Just as we’re settling down, a stotic guard passes by assessing the room. “That's the fourth guard I’ve seen today.” Mumbles Jen, looking down at her plate, pastel purple hair cascading over her face like a shield. Our group goes quiet as the man leisurely strolls past.

“Yeah, what’s up with that? I’ve never seen so many guards here.” Being that we went to school in the Alpha Station, crime really wasn’t an issue. Guards were super chill and there have been days where I haven’t seen any patrolling the Station.

“I’ve heard that something went down with the Griffin’s.” Brext shares. My spoon freezes halfway to my mouth.

I wasn’t super close with Clarke or her family. I knew that her parents did really important work and we would casually chat if we were at the same event, but I wouldn’t classify us as friends. The only common link between us was Wells. He was Clarke’s best friend and he was a close friend of mine. I don’t remember Wells ever mentioning or acting differently the past few times we’ve hung out this week and surely he would say something, right?

“Like?” I pry.

“Beats me. I’ve heard several different rumors like deliberate engineering failure to overthrowing Jaha.”

“Oh my god.” I roll my eyes. All the tension in my body eases, people on this ship have nothing better to do than to start stupid rumors to make their lives more exciting.

“Anyways, so we all cool to skip tomorrow?” Jen changes the subject. 

Briar and Brex both nod in agreement.

“Sorry I can’t, I’ve got a meeting with Jaha, kind of like a job shadow thing.” I say offhandedly, like it’s no big deal.

“Oh future Chancellor Y/L/N, I approve!” Briar exclaims.

I giggle at the excited brunette, “No way, I’d be awful! I just can’t narrow down what I what to do after school. I was talking to Wells in History about it one day and the next thing I know Jaha shows up to our pod and offers to help me out.”

“If that were me, I’d be shaking in my space boots. That man has the power to float anyone on the Ark!” Briar shivers. I roll my eyes at her.

“He can’t float people for no reason Bri, and besides he’s over at my house all the time with my parents. I forget he’s there sometimes.” I say fiddling with my orange. 

The afternoon quickly wraps up, and I’m walking back to my pod. I need a nap and I need it now. I could barely keep my eyes open for the whole day. I mentally curse myself for staying up reading old romance archives on my tablet. I would swear that I won’t do it again, but I know, my parents know, my friends know that it would be a lie. 

I grab a snack from my fridge and plop down on our couch. I turn on some old comedy program archive that I’ve seen a million times before. As I watch the screen I slowly eat my snack and cover up with a blanket.

My tablet is full of readings and homework due and the smart thing to do would be to start it early and get it done, but I know I’ll just wait to finish it in a panic at the last minute.

My parents left a note on the fridge saying that they would be working late and to call in for dinner. For the rest of the night I video call Briar and chat, watch so much bad old reality TV archives, and call in Chinese food and eat way too much of it.

When I look at the clock it reads 11:28 PM, and I know that my parents will probably aren’t coming home tonight. I turn off the living room lights as I walk out and head to my room. 

I take a shower, brush my teeth, and get ready for bed. I climb into my comfy sheets, waiting for sleep to come over me. But it never does. I toss and turn, I try listening to soothing music, breathing exercises, and counting sheep.

Do you know how desperate a person has to be to count sheep on the Ark? I’ve never even seen a real sheep before! Then this thought makes me pull out my tablet to find a picture of a sheep, which lead to me reading up on sheep and what they did on Earth. 

This whole thing somehow spiraled into me watching old video archives of people making wool shirts by hand. My eyes strain from staring at a screen for so long, I check the time and realize that it’s 1:02 AM. 

School is going to be so much fun tomorrow. 

I throw my head back before deciding that I can’t stay in my bed any longer. I throw off the covers and head to my kitchen. I grab a glass and hold it under the faucet. 

Maybe a walk around the Station would clear my mind. I glance down at my sleep shorts and long tee, my bare face and messy bun would probably scare someone but normally no one is walking around at one in the morning so I decide to chance it. 

I slip on a pair of slippers and grab my key. The dimly lit hallway is quiet no sound to be heard except the almost inaudible hum from the Ark keeping us alive.

I pad through the silent halls until I find what I’m looking for. There’s a small sitting nook that looks out at earth not too far from my pod. Whenever I can’t sleep or in need of inspiration, I come here and stare out the window until I feel something.

Earth spins out there, blissfully unaware that some of it inhabitants would soon return to gauge whether or not it’s safe for us to come back. The thought of possibly having a life on earth is terrifying. All I’ve ever known is the Ark but wouldn’t life on earth where you can travel great lengths, play in an actual ocean, sit under a real tree be surreal?

“What are you doing out of your pod?” A voice behind me questions.

I turn to face the voice and pale. First it's a guard and im technically breaking curfew by being out of my pod and secondly it’s the cute guard from Earth Skills I saw today.

“I’m sorry!” I blurt out then start to stupidly sputter an explanation why I was out so late. The handsome guard stands with an amused expression.

He leans over me to look out of the window and my heart stops and falls into my stomach. Then in an instant, it starts up again in double time. He was so close I could smell him. The strong smell of cinnamon and spice surrounds me and I refrain myself from leaning in closer and breathing him in.

He looks out the window, pausing for a moment to take in Earth. Then he straightens out and looks at me again. 

“Nice view. I’m Bellamy.” He holds out his hand.

I shakily take it. “Nice to meet you Bellamy, I’m Y/N.” His palm is warm and his long fingers gracefully wrap around mine in a firm and gently shake. “So, Bellamy, am I in trouble?” 

He thinks for a moment, “Since you’re the first person I’ve seen on my patrol and considering I don’t see anything hazardous, I’m willing to forget I saw you.” He smiles and I can’t help but smile back.

“You had me worried there for a second, thank you.” I reach up and fix my bun, a single strand falling from it and into my face. I realize that I look like a hot mess in front of a super cute boy for the second time that day. 

“Who did you piss off to get this shift?” I ask, pulling my knees into my chest. Bellamy sits down next to me and stretches out his long legs. 

“I’m a new recruit. We usually get put on these shifts until we prove ourselves and move up in the ranks.” He explains. I notice the way his freckles move as he speaks and find it adorable.

“My turn. Why are you up so late?”

I rub my arms to keep my hands busy. “I can’t sleep and I don’t know why. It seems like all day today I’ve been dying to close my eyes and then when it comes time to actually sleep, I can’t.”

I shrug my shoulders. Bellamy waits for me to continue, sitting beside me in comfortable silence. “My brain doesn’t seem to want to shut off ever. Every time I close my eyes I have a million thoughts running through my mind. It’s been like this for weeks and I’m afraid it’ll never go away.” I nervously laugh. It seems that the early morning hours have made tired enough to share my feelings with a complete, albeit attractive, stranger. 

Bellamy is quiet for a long time, and I start to wonder if I’ve scared him. But before I can crack a joke to try and smooth over the depressing turn this conversation took, he responds.

“I feel that. Ever since I’ve become a guard, it’s like I’m trying to prove to everyone and myself that I deserve. Prove to my family that I can support them, prove to my superiors that I deserve this job, and prove to myself that can handle it all.” His takes on a raw edge, like he’s been tormented with these thoughts for a long time.

I nod, “It’s a lot to keep to yourself, but you also don’t want to burden your friends or family, so you just…” I trail off.

“Keep it to yourself.” He finishes and we lock eyes. It seems like we have a lot more in common than I thought.

I nod again, not trusting myself to speak anymore. We sit beside each other and stare out the small ship window. The sun slowly begins to peak its head from beyond the horizon when I finally begin to feel exhaustion overtake my system.

I feel my eyes flutter and I stretch my neck out to try and become comfortable. My forehead falls forward makes contact with something warm and soft. I’ll rest for five minutes and then I’ll go home, I tell myself. 

A hand gently rubs my back, waking me. My eyes lazily open and I yawn. “Hm?”

Bellamy chuckles, I feel his lips press into my temple. “Sorry to wake you, but people are going to start waking up soon and I should get back to my rounds.”

I lift my head up and realize how close we are. I was sleeping on Bellamy’s shoulder! Dear God, what if I said something in my sleep? Did I drool on him?

I can feel my cheeks burn and I quickly stand. Bellamy does the same, his dark head towers over mine.

“I’m sorry I fell asleep on you. How long was I out?” I straighten my shirt and I don’t dare to look him in the eyes. 

“Don’t sweat it, and you were only out for a couple minutes. I’ll walk you back to your pod.”

Not like I can say no to that, I smile and thank him. We quietly make our way through Alpha Station making small talk. I realize that I really enjoyed talking with Bellamy tonight, I confided in him with things that I couldn’t tell my friends or my family. It was nice to not have to put on a face for someone. Disappointment rushes through me when we stop at my door, we’ll probably never do this again.

“Here we are.” I announce, stopping by my pod door. “Thanks again for tonight and walking me back.” 

“My pleasure. And, you know, if you ever need to talk again, I mean, you don’t have to come to me I’m just offering, I wouldn’t mind- uh if we…” He stutters, a faint pink blush fills in the apples of his cheeks. 

I’m smiling like an idiot watching him try to form a coherent sentence. “Yes?” I press.

He clears his throat. “If you ever need to talk to someone again, I usually have this shift four days out of the week. I liked talking with you tonight.” 

My chest does this weird fluttering thing and I try to respond too eager. “I liked talking with you too, Bellamy, thanks. And your offer goes both ways. If you need to talk I’m up late almost every night anyway.”

I unlock my door, I say good night to Bellamy one more time and watch him wave me off before closing the door. I have to be to school in a few short hours, I hope I can get in enough sleep so I can be at least a little bit coherent. 

I slide under my covers, and this time it seems like sleep is waiting for me. I blissfully sink into a dreamless sleep. The last things on my mind before I drift off are freckles and dark hair. 

[massmurdera]

2019 & 2010s Best/Worst

Because I like lists and cataloguing the dumb shit I cared about. As my brother once said after seeing and reviewing NOW YOU SEE ME on a lazy Sunday, ‘Some would say it was a waste of time, others might say it was a colossal waste of time.’     

I’ll admit, it’s a bit over-the-top. Particularly including the Pats, but yeah, in the Tom Brady era that started when I was 14 as a Freshman in high school to 33 years old now and wrapping up soon-ish (?), there’s not a chance in hell I’ll care as intimately about this shit. I grew up with it at just the right time.

2019 MOVIES  TOP TIER 1) Once Upon a Time in Hollywood 2) Uncut Gems 2nd TIER 3) Knives Out 4) Parasite 5) Little Women 6) Midsommer 3rd TIER 7) John Wick III 8) Ready or Not 9) Marriage Story 10) Joker 11) Irishman 12) Shazam! 13) Us UNDERRATED Ready or Not TOO LONG John Wick III; Irishman SOLID El Camino GOOD BAD 6 Underground OK 21 Bridges; Avengers: Endgame; Dolemite is my Name; Dragged Across Concrete; Fighting With My Family; Hustlers; Knock Down the House; Longshot; the Report; Two Popes MEH Always Be My Maybe; Death of Dick Long; High Flying Bird; Spiderman: Far From Home; Standoff at Sparrow Creek DISAPPOINTING Hobbs & Shaw; Toy Story 4; Triple Frontier SUCK Laundromat; Under the Silver Lake OVERRATED Ad Astra; Booksmart; the Farewell FUNNIEST SCENE Dicaprio flipping out in movie trailer BEST CLIMAX/ENDING Once Upon a Time; Uncut Gems HAVEN’T SEEN 1917; Apollo 11; Beach Bum; Dark Waters; Ford vs Ferrari; Honey Boy; Jojo Rabbit; the Lighthouse; Star Wars 2019 TV  TOP TIER 1) Succession 2) Fleabag 3) Watchmen 2nd TIER 4) When They See Us 5) Barry 6) Unbelievable 7) Chernobyl 8) Sex Education DAMN GOOD Big Mouth; the Boys; Brockmire; Derry Girls; Euphoria; Loudest Voice; Mindhunter; Pen15; Righteous Gemstones; Veep WATCHABLE Atypical; Bosch; Dark; Goliath; Karate Kid; Kominsky Method; Mandalorian; Mr Robot; Mrs Fletcher; Russian Doll; Warrior HIGH/LOW I Think You Should Leave SHIT END FOR ALL-TIME GREAT Game of Thrones HALF-WATCH Living With Yourself; Raising Dion; the Society NOT UP TO STANDARD Stranger Things; GLOW; Killing Eve; True Detective BAD Luther; Shameless; Silicon Valley; SNL SUCK 13 Reasons Why; Big Little Lies; the Witcher FUNNIEST Desus & Mero DOCS 1) Fyre: both  2) Ted Bundy Tapes 3) American Factory 4) Leaving Neverland STAND-UP SPECIALS 1) Burr 2) Chappelle 3) Jeselnik 4) Birbiglia 5) Gulman BEHIND ON SHOWS I DIG Brooklyn 99; Catastrophe; Corporate; Expanse; Good Place; It’s Always Sunny; Letterkenny 2010s TV  DRAMA 1) Breaking Bad 2) Game of Thrones 3) Justified 4) Mad Men 5) Hannibal 6) Banshee ANTHOLOGY/LIMITED SERIES 1) Fargo SII 2) True Detective SI 3) When They See Us 4) People Vs OJ Simpson 5) Chernobyl 6) Show Me a Hero 7) the Night Of 8) Honorable Woman COMEDY 1) Atlanta 2) Fleabag 3) Veep 4) Big Mouth 5) Parks & Rec 6) Rick & Morty 7) Nathan for You 8) Review 9) American Vandal HIT/MISS Black Mirror OVERRATED Boardwalk Empire; House of Cards; Peaky Blinders; Westworld UNDERRATED Banshee; Brockmire; Hannibal FUN HATE-WATCH Newsroom DOWNHILL Homeland; How I Met Your Mother; Legion; Sons of Anarchy HATED Girls; Leftovers; Rectify UNWATCHABLE Twin Peaks BEST ENDINGS Breaking Bad; Justified; Fleabag; Parks & Rec DUMBEST ENDING Dexter; Sons of Anarchy LATE NIGHT Desus & Mero POLITICAL John Oliver 2010s MOVIES 2010 Social Network Animal Kingdom; the Fighter; Four Lions; Inside Job; Jackass 3; MacGruber; Shutter Island; Toy Story 3; True Grit; Winter’s Bone 2011 the Raid Descendents; Drive; Fast Five; the Guard; Mission Impossible 4; Take This Waltz; Warrior 2012 Magic Mike 21 Jump Street; Argo; Cabin in the Woods; Chronicle; Django Unchained; Goon; Looper; Queen of Versailles; Silver Linings Playbook; Skyfall 2013 Wolf of Wall Street Before Midnight; the Conjuring; Gravity; Her; Inside Llewyn Davis; Prisoners; Short-Term 12 2014 John Wick the Drop; Edge of Tomorrow; Gone Girl; the Guest; Lego Movie; Nightcrawler; the Raid 2; Whiplash 2015 Mad Max 7 Days in Hell; Big Short; Brooklyn; Creed; Ex Machina; Fast 7; It Follows; Logan; Magic Mike XXL; the Martian; Me and Earl and the Dying Girl; Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation; Sicario 2016 the Nice Guys Deadpool; Edge of Seventeen; Everybody Wants Some!; Green Room; La La Land; Manchester By the Sea; Moonlight; OJ: Made in America; Popstar; Sing Street; Weiner 2017 Get Out Blade Runner 2049; Coco; Dunkirk; Lady Bird; Logan; Thor Ragnorak; Tour de Pharmacy 2018 Spiderman: Into the Spiderverse BlacKKKlansman; Den of Thieves; Hereditary; If Beale Street Could Talk; Minding the Gap; Sorry to Bother You

THE BEST Mad Max BEST DOC OJ: Made in America FUNNIEST DOC Tickled UNDERRATED DOC Weiner HORROR Hereditary FAVORITE/FUNNIEST PERFORMANCE Ryan Gosling (Nice Guys) DESERVED 5 SEQUELS the Nice Guys SUPERHERO Spiderman: Into the Spiderverse WAR Dunkirk BEST FIGHT SCENES the Raid UNDERRATED any Lonely Island project NICE TRY Dark Knight Rises; Inception; Interstellar; Widows STAND-UP 2010s FAVORITE Bill Burr NEXT BEST Ali Wong; Anthony Jeselnik; Kyle Kinane; Bert Kreischer; Marc Maron; John Mulaney; Patton Oswalt; Rory Scovel; Tom Segura COMEBACK Chappelle DOWNFALL Louis CK DIED BEFORE PRIME Patrice O’Neal, Greg Giraldo UNDERRATED Joe Derosa MUST-SEE LIVE Robert Kelly  PODCASTS 2010s  BEST/FUNNIEST/UNDERRATED Walking the Room RUNNER-UP 600 Dollar Podcast ONE-MAN RANT Bill Burr Monday Morning Podcast SPORTS Pardon My Take RIFFING Bodega Boys HISTORY/COMEDY Dollop HISTORY DEEP DIVE Hardcore History MOVIES Rewatchables HATE-WATCH CRITICISM West Wing Thing POP CULTURE/FILM Frotcast MIXED Revisionist History GOOD/BAD Joe Rogan: GOOD: propping up comic friends; BAD: useful idiot for propping up bad faith fascists who should be put out to pasture INTERNET CURIOSITY Reply All LEFTIST POLITICS Chapo Trap House TRUE CRIME In the Dark ADVICE Don’t Take Bullshit From Fuckers LAME Pod Save America OVERRATED Missing Richard Simmons DIDN’T LIKE S-Town SERIAL Season 3>Season 1 TRUMP Trump, Inc SPORTS SCHAUDENFREUDE Fuck the Chargers OKAY Bill Simmons WTF WITH MARON good when he talks to comics MURDER My Favorite Murder OTHER GOOD ONES Hound Tall; Press Box

2010s MUSIC  FAVORITE anything Brian Fallon ROCK BAND Menzingers SONG Robyn-‘Dancing On My Own’ POP-PUNK BAND Wonder Years LIVE ALBUM Horrible Crowes-‘Elsie’ HEAVY BAND Every Time I Die ELECTRONIC Chvrches SOLO Rihanna COVER ALBUM Dustin Kensrue-‘Thoughts on a Different Blood’ GO-TO AT GYM Story So Far OFF THE INEVITABLE & IRRECOVERABLE DEEP END Kanye KIND OF LIKE THE MUSIC/HATE THE PERSON: LIKE KANYE Taylor Swift, Bieber THOUGHT I’D HATE BUT DOES NOT SUCK Lana Del Rey; Post Malone OTHER FAVES 1975; Arctic Monkeys; Beach Slang; Black Keys; Bon Iver; Carly Rae Jepsen; the National; Thrice MIXED Chance the Rapper; Kendrick Lamar I’ll be honest I spent far more time listening to podcasts nearly all the time and just listened to mostly the same couple of things I liked. 2010s PATRIOTS  2010s BEST GAMES 1) Seahawks Super Bowl 2) Falcons Super Bowl 3) Ravens 2015 Divisional 4) Chiefs 2019 AFCCG UNDERRATED CLASSIC Ravens 2015 Divisional BRADY/GRONK GO DOWN LIKE CHAMPS 1) 2018 Eagles Super Bowl 2) Broncos 2015 AFCCG: Brady’ offensive line was a sieve EITHER WAY Giants Super Bowl: game changed when Brady’s shoulder got fucked up by Tuck FAVORITE PLAYER TB12 MOST FUN/DOMINANT Gronk HEART OF TEAM Edelman BELOVED Wilfork ROCK SOLID 1) Hightower 2) McCourty 3) James White 1st BALLOT HALL OF FAMERS 1) Brady 2) Gronk 3) Revis LATER BALLOT 1) Edelman 2) Scarnecchia 3) Welker 4) Wilfork 5) Slater MAKING AN ARGUMENT Gilmore PATS HALL ONLY 1) McCourty 2) Hightower 3) Mankins 4) White 5) Gostkowski 6) Mayo 7) Chung UNDERRATED/GOOD VALUE 1) Amendola 2) Vollmer 3) Ninkovich 4) Chung 5) Woodhead DESERVED BETTER Welker UNSUNG Slater OVERRATED 1) Solder 2) Brandin Cooks NO-SHOWS Dolphins (Dec ’19); Jets Divisional (Jan ‘11) BEST REGULAR SEASON WINS 1) 2013 Broncos 2) 2017 Steelers 3) 2013 Saints BEST REGULAR SEASON LOSSES 1) 2012 49ers 2) 2016 Seahawks 3) 2014 Packers 4) 2015 Broncos LOL Miami Miracle: saved by winning Super Bowl LEAST TALENTED TEAM 1) 2013 by a mile 2) 2010 3) 2011 4) 2018 BEST TEAM 1) 2014  2) 2016 BEST PLAYS (NON-GRONK) 1) Butler INT Seahawks 2) Edelman TD pass vs Ravens 3) Buttfumble Jets 4) Edelman catch vs Falcons 5) Walk-off TD vs Falcons 6) Dan Connolly kick return 7) Brady TD pass to LaFell 2015 Divisional POUNDED TABLE TO DRAFT 1) Lamar Jackson 2) Kittle 3) AJ Brown 4) Honey Badger 5) Stefon Diggs WANTED BUT OUT OF REACH 1) Aaron Donald 2) Quenton Nelson 3) Derwin James 4) Hopkins 5) TJ Watt 6) Saquon 7) Keenan Allen 8) McCaffrey 9) Gurley WOULD’VE WON IT ALL IF NOT FOR INJURIES 2011, 2012, 2015, 2017. That’s football HEALTHIEST SEASON 2018 ROPE-A-DOPED/GOT BY ON VETERAN GUILE 2018: Belichick’s best coaching FAVORITE PICKS AT THE TIME OF GUYS I WANTED 1) Gronk 2) Hightower/Chandler Jones 3) Shaq Mason MOVES I HATED THAT I WAS WRONG ABOUT 1) Stephon Gilmore 2) trading Jamie Collins MOST IMPROVED Marcus Cannon BEST FIND Kyle Van Noy MOVE I LOVED getting Blount back the 2nd time IF BUTLER WASN’T BENCHED, DO THEY BEAT THE EAGLES? Yes 100%. If only because, if nothing else, he can tackle BUTLER’s INT KILLED THE ‘LEGION OF BOOM’ SEAHAWKS WOULD-BE DYNASTY Yes DRAFT REACH THAT MADE NO SENSE Jordan Richards: Tavon Wilson 2.0 BAD DRAFT MOVES 1) Dominique Easley 2) Cyrus Jones 3) Dobson 4) Mallett DIRTY SECRET Belichick sucks at drafting in 2nd round WOULD HAVE BEEN GOOD IF HE STAYED HEALTHY Malcolm Mitchell HATE TO SEE WALK BUT COULDN’T AFFORD 1) Trey Flowers 2) Chandler Jones 3) Jimmy G 4) Talib 5) Akiem Hicks DEFLATEGATE fraud/power trip job by Goodell/owners BRADY OR BELICHICK MORE VALUABLE Brady 100% DISAPPOINTING/GAMBLES 1) Ochocinco 2) Michael Bennett: got him 2 years too late 3) Fanene signing 4) Haynesworth BEST SHORT-TERM 1) Martellus Bennett 2) Chris Long 3) Revis 4) Brian Waters SUSPECT CHARACTERS/EDGY PERSONALITY MACHINES Brandon Spikes; Brandon Browner…SERIAL KILLER Aaron Hernandez PERSONALITY DISORDER DISASTER Antonio Brown: bad signing/unexpected HOW THE FUCK DID WE LOSE TO THAT GUY? Eli Manning/Nick Foles LIFESAVER Scarnecchia MCDANIELS Frustrating—but continuity matters REFS FUCKED OVER Gronk  MISCELANNEOUS 2010s GOOD/ENJOY Bernie Sanders/AOC: people who actually want to get good done that’s long overdue…Lebron James; Stephen Curry; Kawhi; Zion Williamson; Luka Doncic...Lamar Jackson; Pat Mahomes; JJ Watt; Marshawn Lynch…Coach Ed Orgeron...David Ortiz…2011 Bruins…memes…Don Winslow crime novels…David Roth writing on Trump…David Grann non-fiction…’Book of Mormon’ DID NOT ENJOY Kyrie Irving…Deflategate…LeBron on the Heat…Bobby Valentine DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE LIKE ‘Between the World and Me’…Elon Musk…Lin Manuel-Miranda/’Hamilton’ INDEFENSIBLY AND INFURIATINGLY BAD THE MORE YOU LOOK AT IT Facebook…Obama Presidency/Democratic Party Leadership EVERYDAY DISASTER Media: CNN; Fox; MSNBC; NY Times Op-Ed…Trump/Republicans: Trump presidency was basically 2010s 9/11 for inevitable disastrous fallout & consequences my generation will never recover from…Grifters Trojan horsing way in shamelessly (Trump administration; Ben Shapiro; Alex Jones; Milo; Jordan Peterson, Tomi Lahren, etc.) and no repercussions...Republican Party basically one goal: to troll libs even with shitty ideas that suck FAVORITES WHO DIED Bourdain; Elmore Leonard; Garry Shandling; Muhammad Ali; Robin Williams; Tom Petty BEST TALENT CUT SHORT Philip Seymour Hoffman SHITTIEST PEOPLE WHO DIED Antonin Scalia; George HW Bush; John McCain; Osama; Steve Jobs; Whitey Bulger I FORGOT THAT SHIT HAPPENED Charlie Sheen loses it JEFFREY EPSTEIN did not kill himself WHAT DEFINES 2010s Amazon/Bezos…Climate Change/Gun Violence inaction…Journalism being taken over by Bane Capital-esque vultures/local places dying...one-sided Class War by the uber-rich…#MeToo…Netflix…Opioids…Outrage/Cancel culture…Police Injustice…Silicon Valley…Social Media…Superhero shit…Your mom

[nothing-but-kpop-dreams]

V Drabble: Just Friends (request) (1/?)

Request: Can I get a request on being Taehyung’s best friend who isn’t girly at all but likes to watch boxing and other rough stuff and she somewhat asks him out on a date but he ends up going out with another person and stands her up....

Author’s note: ... Ok... I really loved writing this and well... I know this wasn’t part of the request BUT I AM GOING TO TURN THIS INTO LIKE A SERIES. Well idk a series, but i am for sure going to add a part or two to this. *but this first part completely fulfills the request*

Genre: Angst

Word Count: 3806

ALL PARTS

It was the usual Friday night and the two of you were kicking off the weekend with the traditional and infamous movie night. You and your best friend, Taehyung, were sitting in a sea of snack wrappers, partially engulfed in the current fight scene from the movie Kickass. The movie was Taehyung’s choice. Being that you demanded the genre of the night be action, the film still had his choice of comedy. So of course he was the one that wouldn't take his eyes off the screen while you couldn’t care less about it and just stole glances at him the whole time.

You and Taehyung had been best friends since high school. It all started when this asshole was making fun of you for wearing a guy’s t-shirt to school. That’s when Taehyung stepped in. He had just so happened to be wearing the exact same t-shirt and used that detail to “explain” that you were both wearing it as part of a couple thing. You had a secret crush on him ever since.

Fast forward almost a decade and here you were with your head rested on his shoulder, but only platonically. For the most part, you were never the nervous or timid type. You weren’t scared to tell people how you felt about them, be it good or bad, but when it came to your one and only Taetae, you were a ball of nerves. Yes, you wanted to tell him how you actually felt about him, but you just couldn’t get yourself to ever do it. It was all because you knew you weren’t his type. Tae liked girly girls, the exact opposite of what you were. You were the rough and tumble type. You kept your hair shorter, barely wore make up, only wore a dress for important occasions, mostly wore what was actually comfortable, played video games, didn't mind getting your hands dirty, never did your nails, you know, the tomboy type. While Tae on the other hand always had crushes on girls who had nice long hair, loved pink, spent all their time and money shopping for clothes, had a face caked with makeup, wore stupid heels and short skirts and tight clothes, were never outside, had long witch nails, and practically showered in expensive perfume and all the other stuff you didn't care too much for.

On top of all that, you never wanted to risk ruining your friendship with him. The two of you had been through so much together. Four years of high school and almost four years of college filled with weekends at each other’s homes, all nighters, video games and deep conversations about stupid relationship drama and you were as tight as friends as you could ever be. You just never wanted to lose someone that meant so much to you.

However as the little girl in the movie, the one with a purple wig, jump kicked some six foot dude, you just had some type of awakening. The two of you were adults now. Feelings like yours wouldn't just come between the two of you especially after years of friendship. Tae wasn't they type of guy to turn his back on you because he has never done it in the past even when you both fought. And so what if you were not his type? The girls he has dated that were “his type” never lasted more than a few months.

With this sudden burst of motivation, you knew it was now or never. You looked up at Tae. A smile grew on his face as the movie came to an end. Just as you were about to open your mouth and reveal the feelings that you had bottled up inside for 8 years, he leaned forward and grabbed the remote… letting your head slide off and pretty much letting the rest of you fall behind him.

“What do you want to see next?” he asked as he looked through the screen for another action movie.

You sat up, fixing your hair and hogging up the blanket that had been covering the two of you. Now that it was the moment of truth, anxiety filled your body and you didn't know how to orient yourself anymore.”....Tae…. Can I talk to you for a second…”

“Yeah, what about?” he asked, not really look at you but instead keeping his eyes focused on looking for another movie.

“Uh… I- uh, - i just like...hm- it’s just-” you couldn't get the words out. you were actually choking. This is what you got for never having a plan. 

Tae let out a chuckle. “ You choking on some popcorn or what? Do I gotta go back there and save you?”

“No! It’s just -uh! I just really have to say something but i can't get the right words!” you grunted

With his back still at you he laughed some more “Then just say it!”

“It's just… It’s just that i- I- “

“I- I- i- du- duh- duh-, blah blah.” he mimicked. “Your talking like a baby~!” he turned back at you and pinched your cheeks “C’mon little y/n what do you want to say~” he cooed mockingly

Immediately you slapped his hand away “That i like you!” you blurted in frustration.

His face fell into an expression of shock and confused “What?”

He was the only one in the room, but it felt like you had a million eyes on you. Your stomach was doing flips and the blanket felt like fire. You didn't know you could feel this anxious around him.

 “... I like you.” you repeated shyly.

“You like me?”

“... Yeah, like in the more than a friend way.” you specified

“...Oh.” was his only response.

That was when the cliche movie moment of the “ugly feeling in your gut” presented itself. You felt all types of sick. You wanted to throw up the snacks you stuffed your face with an hour ago. The longer he went without saying anything, the more sick you felt. You were so worked up even your eyes were being attacked. With every passing second, your vision was more and more blurry with nervous tears filling your eyes.

He stared back at you intensely, almost panicked. “...Y/n… I don’t know if I like you like that” he said in a hush

That’s it. It was done. Rejection. Actual rejection. “Oh.” was all you could get out but even with such a simple sound your voice cracked.

“But!” he continued. “I never really, like, thought about us in that way, you get me?”

 You were doing your best to keep the stupid tears from falling. “Um, no.” you only mumbled at him.

“It’s just like, I’ve only ever seen us as friends, and I like never even thought about us like being more than that.” Those words stung a bit. “So because of that, I like, I just don't know if I like you that way back, since I just never thought of it.” even he seemed as confused as you were about what he had just said.

“So… Are you saying that, um, now that you know, that you’ll think about it now?”

“Uh, yeah! Sure that.”

“...Cool… So uh, would you want to go on a date then?”

 “Date?!?”

“Yeah. Like you said, you haven't seen me in that way, so let’s go on a date and see if maybe you can.... It can be a trial date!”

“Um, yeah… yeah we can do that.” he mumbled softly.

“Really?” suddenly you felt on top of the world. “Do you want to go on Sunday? Instead of video games, we can go out to eat or something? How about olive garden? You know cuz it is like kinda fast food but also like wannabe fancy, plus endless breadsticks!”

“Um, yeah, sounds like a plan.” he said as his eyes shifted to his phone. “Oh look at the time. It’s getting kinda late.” he yawned. “I should go back to the dorm already.” he said getting up from the couch.

“Oh, but it’s only 10.”  you pointed out grabbing for your own screen.

“Yeah, but remember that new curfew I told you about. Plus my mom is in town and she wants to meet up for breakfast tomorrow. We both know how early she wakes up.”

“Oh well, okay.” you stood up alongside him and followed him to the door. “So when exactly did you want to go? Is 7 a good time?”

“Yeah that's fine.”  he mumbled as he slid his shoes on.

“Okay!” you smiled. “I can't wait!”

“Yeah… uh, see you Sunday.”  he said, grabbing the door knob and walking out so fast he forgot to give you the usual hug bye. But you didn’t care, you were so happy to actually have a date with him.

--------------

That entire day of Saturday all you could think about was the date. And when that day came and went, it was finally Sunday. It was now 4pm and you were standing in front of your closet in just your underwear debating on what to wear. 

You wanted to impress Tae, show him a different side of you, one that could be girly just for him. However, you didn't exactly have the right wardrobe to do that and being the broke college student you were, you didn’t have the finances either. There was just three hours before you had to meet him and you weren't even close to ready so you were definitely in a dramatic panic. You rummaged through every article of clothing in attempts to find something decent enough to be considered feminine in his eyes. 

After what felt like days, all you really found was a bright yellow sunflower dress your mom bought you and had forced you to wear to an Easter party like a month ago. You didn’t have many options when it came to shoes. You kind of just liked wearing the same pair of converse every day. The only other pair of shoes you had were some white flats that you used for a job interview… those were good enough. When it came to accessories you were plain and simple, going for the gold heart pendant necklace your friend, Lisa, gave you for your birthday.Hair and make up was another story. Those were never your strong suit, so this is where all your time was eaten up. You fought your hair, doing your best to blow dry and straighten and then curl to try and give it the “natural wave” look. Thankfully your hard work was rewarded with a cute enough hairdo. And thanks to the access to internet, you spent an hour and a half trying to keep up with a ten minute makeup tutorial, but hey anything for Tae.

The bus ride to the olive garden was blur. All you could think about was how the date would go. You couldn't help but daydream about the fun you guys were going to have. You pictured starting off the date with the two of you eating until you were too full to move and then making your way to your favorite arcade to finally try and get enough tickets for the giant stuffed panda you’ve had your eyes on for almost a year. 

Before you knew it you were at your stop and standing in front of the olive garden.After waiting just a minute you already kept looking around for Tae. 

“Where is he?” you thought as you looked at each passing face

You had gotten there are at around 6:50, now that it was 7, the adrenaline running through you was through the roof, however Tae was nowhere in sight. “Aish, this boy. He can't be on time to save his life.” you laughed to yourself as you continued to wait for him.

After another ten minutes, the stares of the other pedestrians was beginning to annoy you, plus your feet were hurting from standing too long. You decided to go inside and get a table for the two of you. “He should be here any minute anyway.” you thought.

Inside, the kind hostess complimented your dress and led you to a table at the center of the restaurant. She tried to take your order but you let her know that you were waiting for someone.

“Oh ok.’ she smiled. “Did you want me to put the table under your name so they can just say “table for well your name” and I can bring them over?”

“Yeah! Table for y/n. Thank you.”

“Great! I’ll be back later on then, miss y/n.”That’s when you grabbed your phone to text Tae. *Hey. I’m already inside. Just tell them Table for y/n so they can take you to the right one*

You sat patiently with your water, waiting for a reply while the tables around you were filled with more and more people. Still you kept an eye out, but any one that passed by was never him. It wasn't till around 7:30 that you were starting to get a bit worried. 

You decided to text him again *Hey. Is everything okay? Why aren't you here yet? Text me back please*

You waited and waited and waited and it was almost 8, but you didn't hear back from him at all.  That’s when you decided to call him. You went over by the restrooms. You called, but it only rung until it got to his voicemail.In denial, you sat back at your table to just wait some more. 

“Hi again miss y/n.” suddenly the hostess’ voice appeared next to you.

Immediately you looked up, hoping Tae would be besides her. But when you did, she was standing alone. 

There was a look of pity on her face and you knew how bad you looked right now. “I don’t know if your um, friend? was still going to make it, but I was curious if you wanted to make your order already?” the pity was all the more obvious by her tone of voice.

You stared at her for a moment, debating whether you should just walk out now, but she was so nice. If you walked out now the other customers might think she was being rude to you or something of the sort, or she might get in trouble for letting a potential customer leave. 

You swallowed the lump forming in your throat. “Um, they just let me know they couldn't make it after all, but I’m starving, can I get a plate of chicken alfredo?”

“Gladly!”

So you continued to sit around and eat all by yourself like an idiot. You got all dressed up for nothing, made your way across town for nothing, waited around for an hour for nothing.

Yes, you were extremely upset, but you were sad more than anything. The one thing that kept you from bursting into tears was the fact that Tae wouldn’t just ditch you for no reason.

“Something probably came up.” you thought as you dragged yourself out of the place after your sad meal. “His parents are around for the weekend, so maybe they didn't let him leave so they could be with him more?”

You continued to drag your feet as you walked through downtown. The last thing you wanted to do was go home and be alone with your thoughts. The lights of the city were a good enough distraction.Being girly really isn't your thing. The back of your flats were digging into the back of your heels. You could already feel your skin getting tender with every step, but you didn't care. Neither did you care for the staring pedestrians who were very much distracted by your outfit. Yes, you were very out of place with what you wore. Your bright yellow dress really clashed with the pink and red neon signs that surrounded you. Plus, everyone else was wearing club clothes while you looked like you were going to a church party. But just like with your flats, you didn't care. 

You just walked and walked and walked.You passed some pretty interesting places on your walk. You kept down a mental list of some that you would like to go to when you had the time and money. There were alot of clubs and tattoo parlors and psychic reading places, a ton of restaurants and food carts and some cute little stores. 

Despite the countless distractions, the universe just seemed to hate you. Couple after lovey dovey couple passed you. They all were holding hands and hugging or make out obnoxiously against the wall.  When you were passing the theater, it was like walking past a high school. Couples lined the walls cuddling or making out.

One couple in particular caught your attention. It was a tall dude and his girl. From just seeing his back, the guy’s physique was a lot like Tae’s, he even dressed the same as him too. He was just looking down at his date or girlfriend or whatever she was. She had just the tightest pink dress and despite her four inch heels she was still way shorter than him. She had long flowy brown hair. Her makeup was perfect, not too much but just the right amount. Her body was curvy and toned. She was everything you wanted to be for Tae. 

Yes you were being a creep just staring at this couple from a few feet away, but you kept on staring until they inevitably started kissing.  It didn't last too long though. They soon interlocked hands and turned to make their way in the direction you had been coming from. 

When you saw the guys’ face, that same ugly feeling came back to you. That “random” dude was really your “best friend”. Your Taetae was holding hands with and making out with some girl (who he never even brought up before) when he was supposed to be with you. You almost couldn't believe it. It didn't feel real. Your best friend wouldn’t do this to you. He wasn't the type of person to only bail but he would never in a million years not tell you about having someone in his life. He always used to tell you about his crushes or the dates he went on. But when his eyes locked on you and you saw his face fall, you knew this was actually happening.

Tae’s eyes scanned you head to toe, almost like he didn't really recognize you, but as soon as it hit him, he let go of the girls hand. “Y/n?”

A fiery rage filled you and you marched your way up to him. “So this is why you didn't meet up with me?!?”

“Listen I- I can explain.” he started.His “date” only stood confused and slightly frightened.“I was waiting for you like a fucking idiot for a fucking hour!” you shouted.

 “Y/n calm down”

“No! I wasted my fucking time for you just for you to bail on me and go off with someone else.”

“Um are you his girlfriend?” the girl in the dress butted in.

“She isn't” he answered. 

His words, although the truth, stung when you heard them leave his mouth 

“Oh fuck no. I was his best friend that he was supposed to meet up for date, but he decided to come here with you.” you did your best to not bite the girl’s head off. This wasn't her fault, Tae was the one to blame. “But it seems like the two of you are having a good time so i’m just gonna go. I know when i'm not wanted.” you growled locking your eyes on the boy you thought you knew.

“Y/n, y/n wait.” you heard him call after you when you tried to make your escape.

He grabbed ahold of your shoulder and that’s when you spun back around to face him. “Don’t touch me!” you spat.

“Look i’m sorry alright!”

“You’re sorry? You think an “I’m sorry” is going to fix everything?!?”

“No but-”

“You had me waiting at a stupid ass olive garden for almost 2 hours! Do you have any idea how excited i was for you to meet up with me? Do you have any idea how hurt i feel right now? I sat all by myself in a restaurant just waiting and waiting and waiting and for nothing. The whole time i was there i could feel everyone else staring at me knowing that i got stood up. Tae you are supposed to be my friend! How could you do that to me?” now was when the water works hit. The makeup you had worked so hard on was quickly getting ruined by your stupid tears.

“I didn't mean to.” was all he could say

“The fuck is that supposed to mean?!? If you didn't mean to, you would have gone! Or you would have replied back to me that you weren’t going to go to begin with!”

“I didn't go because I don't like you back alright!.” he admitted. “I didn't want to go and get your hopes up. Y/n, we have been friends for years. I love you, but not the way you love me. I see you like my sister.”

“So why didn't you tell me that before?!?”

“Because i didn't want to hurt your feelings.”

You couldn't help but let out an ironic chuckle. You looked back at him, the image of his face completely distorted with your tears. “Well how do you think i feel now?”

Tae stayed quiet. He had nothing else to say. 

You continued to glare at him, noticing his own eyes getting watery 

“Y/n, I’m sorry.”

“Just fuck off Tae.” you huffed before you turned around and walked away.

You stampeded your way without any sense of direction. Your vision was a blur and you walked every which way to try and lose tae in the crowd. You could hear his voice trailing behind you, but you didn't stop waking till you couldn't hear him anymore.

Instead what you began to hear was “Woah is she crying?” “Why is she crying?” “Is she okay?” “Lady you okay?” From the people you accidentally bumped into. 

You couldn't handle the people anymore. All you wanted to do was go home and cry in peace, but you didn't know exactly where you were. 

When the opportunity presented itself, you ran off into an empty alley and cried your heart out.

It was around 10 at night and you were squatted behind a stinky dumpster. Heartbroken and alone, this was the highlight of your night.

But that changed when you heard a voice call out to you “Y/n?”

-Admin Boat

So school started for me so idk when i will get around to posting any of the follwoing parts to this but they will be up later on

[purplesurveys]

497

Have you ever cut your own hair? Nope, my mom would never allow me; and tbh I never would allow myself to do it either. What do you eat most frequently? Rice. I have it for every meal, 7 days a week. Except for when I have pasta. Are you a fan of video games? I’m a fan of watching people play them, and there are a lot of video games I have sentimental attachment to because I was raised in a home where all the boys knew how to work a console; but I myself don’t play. What's your favorite color combination? Black/white with anything earthy. I’m all for simple tones. Did you share a locker at school? No, we all had our own.

What's one sport you could never play? Basketball. I never could understand what the rules were. When we had basketball for PE in high school, I would literally just stand on the court when it came time to play because I never had a grasp on the game. I was a sucky teammate fosho. Blue or black ink? Black. I hate using pens with blue ink. Have you ever sang karaoke? I think the last time was when I was 12 or 13. I hate hate hate being the center of attention and the last thing I want is to sing (which I don’t do) on a microphone that’s gonna amplify my voice and will force people to look at me. What was the last concert you attended? Man it was nearly a year ago, but it was Paramore. Have you held anyone's hand in the past week? Yup, you just barely caught the timeframe! I last held hands last Thursday, exactly a week from today. What's your favorite perfume/body spray/cologne? I bought Beyoncé’s Heat Rush a few years back because I was a huge fan (still am), but I didn’t know I was gonna end up loving the scent so much. It’s still my perfume today and it’s my go-to when I’m going on a date or going somewhere fancy and/or formal. How long does it take you to get ready in the morning? 45 minutes should be generous enough. I have to beat the traffic everyday so I don’t devote a lot of time simply to get ready. What is the oldest age you think should wear makeup? No age is too old for makeup. How old were you when you went on your first date? I’ve never had a first date per se...I did have one special museum + early dinner ‘date’ with Gab that ended up becoming memorable. I was 16 then. What's your nationality(ies)? Filipino. Pretty sure there’s some distant, distant Spanish blood somewhere down the line. Are you an open book? Very open.  Do you think you're a good secret keeper? For the most part, yeah; but there’ll be times that I wouldn’t be able to help it and spill to Gabie. Which is fine, because she forgets things easily and is 101% not up to date with and doesn’t care for anyone’s lives. She’s super unbothered which is why I kinda choose to tell her stories; but if she had a big mouth, then I probably won’t spill secrets to her. Name one fashion trend you could never follow. Oversized shirts. Do you prefer long hair or short hair? Right now, I’m preferring short. When do you plan to go to sleep tonight? Just my bed. Has anyone besides your family seen you naked? Yes. If so, who? My girlfriend. What exotic animal would you love to have as a pet? NOPE. Do you want kids when you're older? Yeah, I do. Did your parents sign you up for anything you hated as a child? They made me sing to 100+ guests on my 7th birthday party if that counts. I had ballet when I was 5, but it wasn’t that I hated it...it’s just that I was too young to understand what was happening and what I was signed up to, which was partly why I did so badly in the class. Where's your cell phone? I lost my first cellphone on a 1st grade field trip, so it’s definitely somewhere in the waterfalls we went to 14 years ago. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Egg. What are your feelings about Octomom? I don’t really know the circumstances surrounding her, so. Do you know of Smosh? Of course, I grew up watching them. I was there when their popularity exploded, and a little longer after that. I don’t anymore, but sometimes I’ll go back and watch their 2011-2013 skits, and my personal favorite series of theirs, Lunchtime with Smosh.  Do you drink enough water daily? Yep. I looooooove water; I probably drink too much of it haha. Is your diet healthy? I think it *could* fall under healthy? I eat too much junk for my life but I always balance it out with veggies and I just basically make sure that everything else I eat can be beneficial for me, so it balances all the junk out. What's your favorite fruit? Yeah no I hate fruit. What was your favorite Halloween costume? The year when I dressed up as AJ, because I got noticed by her for it. Also the time I dressed up as Sofie, because that was lowkey hilarious. Have you purchased any cool objects from a foreign country? No because everything in other countries (at least the ones I’ve been to) is SO EXPENSIVE. I prefer taking photos, they serve as the best souvenirs for me. Are you on a laptop or a desktop computer right now? Laptop. Where do you plan to post this survey? On my Tumblr, which you’re on right now if you’ve reached this point of the survey. Do you remember anyone's number by heart? Just my mom’s, sister’s, and Gabie’s. Are you a morning person or a late night owl? Night owl, definitely. Name something you will never try in your lifetime. Fruits that I haven’t already tried. What do you think is your biggest flaw? I chicken out of certain things because I’m afraid of failing. First physical trait you notice in the sex you're attracted to? Body language. That technically counts right? Hahaha. How about personality wise? How they speak to me. Are you sick often? I’m sick never. Would you rather have strep throat or an ear infection? I’ve had neither and would like it to stay that way thank you??? When did you last shower? A couple of hours ago, because it was weirdly and annoyingly hot today. Do you have neat handwriting? Yes, I get a lot of compliments for my penmanship. Are you a messy or organized person? Depends on what the space is. My bag for school can get very messy, but my files are always organized; and my room is what I’d call messy-organized in that it’s a mess but I remember where every single thing is. At what age do you hope to get married? 27-28. Is being thin really all that great? I don’t hate being it, that’s for sure. Which of the seven deadly sins do you think you're most guilty of? Envy. How much time have you spent on the computer today? Pretty much the whole day. My body wanted to watch a whole season of Queer Eye today haha.

What size shoe are you? 6-7. How was the weather today? Ugh, MAKE IT RAIN ALREADY. Do you live above, below, or on the Equator? Above the equator, but it’s very very close to it. Do you know how to use Photoshop? Nope. Admit it, you're thinking about someone right now. I’m thinking about the next meal I’m gonna be having lmfao. Where is he/she? It’s in the dining area. Where was your first job? I haven’t had one yet. Favorite year in high school? 3rd or 4th. East or West? East? Where did your first kiss take place? On my bed. What color do you wear most often? I can’t tell which but it’s definitely black or white.

Who was the last person you talked on the phone to? Gab. Have you ever been to a night club? Nah, I don’t know if clubs are my thing. I’m much more comfortable in bars. Are you allergic to anything? I’m not. What's the best place you have ever eaten? The buffet at Circles, Sambokojin, or the food I had at my cruise ship vacation. I really can’t pick. Do you own a hair straightener? I don’t have one of my own, but my mom will let me borrow hers if I need it. Are you barefoot right now? Correcto. Are you subscribed to any magazine? Nope. Puppies or kittens? Puppies. If you had a billion dollars, where would your first investment be made? A modern, spacious house. Who is the best artist you've seen live? PARAMORE YOOOOOOOOOOOO. They connect with their fans so well and you can easily tell you love what they do. Coldplay is a very close second as their production value is fucking insane. Any major plans coming up this week? No not really. I have a date with Gab tomorrow and we’re gonna go out and watch Midsommar, but that’s it for this week. She, Angela, and I are taking a road trip to Nasugbu next Monday though so that’s pretty major. Did you know they never told you Arnold's last name in Hey, Arnold? I never really thought about it. Would you rather watch a romantic comedy or watch a thrilling horror movie? OMG, my two favorite genres :( I’m watching a horror flick tomorrow so I can go for a romcom right now.   Why is Paris Hilton famous? Because of her great-grandfather and her Iconic show with Nicole Richie hahaha. How is your hair styled right now? It’s just down and dried out right now.

Favorite person that you've talked to today? Angela. Do you need AC right now? AC is always a good idea in the Philippines. Do more people call you by a nickname or your first name? My first name is already my nickname/given name. Name something you're proud of. Still being here. How do you feel about couples who say 'I love you' too soon? No judgment. If that’s how they communicate and if it works, so be it. What's the most recent favor you've done for somebody? I drove Laurice to UPTC last Tuesday so she can catch her bus going back all the way to Alabang. Are you at home right now? Yesssssssss I’m so happy to just be at home this whole week. What did you last spend money on? My parking fee at UPTC. Does any accent annoy you? No. How about turn you on? I like certain English accents but not to the point where they turn me on haha. Are you wearing any jewelry? Not right now. Do you get along better with your mom or your dad? Dad. Are you craving anything right now? BURGERS What's worse: Crocs or Uggs? Crocs. Do you knock before you open doors? Yeah, as much as I can. Do you know what a sock on the doorknob means? I think Penny from Big Bang Theory was the one who explained that this means that there are people having sex in the room, but then again it was a tie on the doorkob in that episode so I dunno if they still mean two different things. Chocolate or vanilla? Chocolate. What's your zodiac sign? Taurus. Does Fred from Youtube annoy you? No, not really.

[maddie-grove]

Bi-Monthly Reading Round-Up: March/April

PLAYLIST

“Hey, Little Songbird” from Hadestown (The Wager)

“New Slang” by the Shins (Spinners)

“Auto de Fé” from Candide (October Wind)

“Let’s Generalize about Men” from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (Mrs. Martin’s Incomparable Adventure)

“Juice” by Lizzo (Shrill)

“Love’s Been Good to Me” by Frank Sinatra (Sex and Violence)

“Heroes” by David Bowie (Cracker Jackson)

“Listen to Her Heart” by Tom Petty and the Hearbreakers (The Cybil War)

“Satellite of Love” by Lou Reed (The T.V. Kid)

“Distant Shores” by Chad and Jeremy (Love’s Willing Servant)

“Hast Thou Considered the Tetrapod?” by the Mountain Goats (The Cartoonist)

“Ghost World” by Aimee Mann (Summer of the Swans)

“Floating Vibes” by Surfer Blood (Not the Duke’s Darling)

BEST OF THE BI-MONTH

The Wager by Donna Jo Napoli (2010): Don Giovanni de la Fortuna, a nineteen-year-old nobleman in medieval Sicily, loses his entire fortune to a tidal wave and soon finds himself on the brink of starvation. That’s when the Devil comes knocking with an offer: endless money for the rest of his life if he doesn’t bathe, cut his hair, shave, or change his clothes for three years, three months, and three days. This is a retelling of a lesser-known Sicilian fairy tale and, next to the sublime Breath, it’s Napoli’s best work. Instead of taking the easy route of making Don Giovanni a stupid brat who learns to be nicer and more frugal, she complicates things by making him sweet and resourceful from the beginning, as well as callow and somewhat thoughtless. (His first action after seeing the damage wrought by the tidal wave is to go out and help bury the dead for three straight days.) This makes the message of the book more powerful; if someone deep-down good and intelligent can stand to think more about others and help the less fortunate, then clearly that lesson applies to everyone, not just the worst sort of rich people. Don Giovanni’s unprocessed grief over his long-dead parents and longing for human connection are also very affecting.

WORST OF THE BI-MONTH

Spinners by Donna Jo Napoli and Richard Tchen (1999): In medieval-ish Scotland, a poor tailor longs to marry his sweetheart, a spinner, but her father will only consent if the tailor can show he’ll be a good provider. The tailor tries to make a dress that appears to be made of gold and succeeds; however, he still loses his sweetheart to a rich miller and his health to a magic spinning wheel (as one does). Years later, the sweetheart’s daughter, now a skilled spinner in her own right, finds herself in trouble when a king gets the wrong impression about her being able to spin straw into gold. File this one under “cool idea, half-assed execution.” After a certain point, Napoli seems to run out of her own ideas and just follows “Rumpelstiltskin” to its original conclusion. This wouldn’t be great for any fairy-tale retelling, but the ludicrous “Rumpelstiltskin” needs more reworking than most. Also, the tailor’s sweetheart is such an ableist tool! I’d get it if she chose the rich miller out of concern for financial security, but she just dumps the tailor because the magic spinning wheel basically gave him a supernatural stroke and she thinks it made him evil? You can do better, baby!

REST OF THE BI-MONTH

The Cartoonist by Betsy Byars (1978): Alfie Mason, a quiet eleven-year-old, takes refuge from his unhappy family in the tiny attic of his ramshackle house, drawing faintly absurd cartoons. Then his ne’er-do-well older brother Bubba loses his job, prompting a way-too-excited Mrs. Mason to decide to renovate the attic into a bedroom...so Alfie barricades himself in the attic and throws the family into chaos without saying a word. I first read this book when I was eleven, and even then I found it deeply upsetting. Mrs. Mason seems incapable of seeing anyone but Bubba as a full human being, and she never regrets hurting Alfie or her daughter Alma in order to benefit her eldest. The best Alfie and Alma can do is call her out on it--Alfie through his silent protest, Alma by finally standing up for herself and her little brother--and try to move on. It’s certainly an unvarnished message for a middle-grade novel, but it’s not a bad one, given that some parents are just like that.

Shrill by Lindy West (2016): In this memoir, Lindy West reflects on her personal experiences with fatphobia, the general strangeness of having a human body, abortion, the ethics of comedy, and Internet trolls, among other subjects. This book was genuinely inspiring and amusing to me at a time when I greatly needed a lot of confidence and some laughs, and for that I am eternally grateful. The humor can feel very social-media-circa-2015, but there are worse things than a book capturing a specific moment.

Cracker Jackson by Betsy Byars (1985): Eleven-year-old “Cracker” Jackson Hunter realizes that Alma, his beloved former babysitter, is being physically abused by her husband. Even though his divorced parents forbid it and Alma herself warns him against angering her husband, he tries his best to help her, with mixed results. By all rights, this middle-grade novel should be a tonal mess--Jackson and his best friend Goat get involved in some legit Wacky Schemes--but instead it’s a moving portrait of a kid who has to deal with gut-wrenching adult realities while also navigating sixth-grade drama. I also loved Jackson’s three parental figures. They’re all flawed--Jackson’s mom is a worrywart about stuff that doesn’t matter, his dad can’t hold a conversation with him without lapsing into Dracula impressions, and Alma sometimes treats him more like a peer than a kid--but they all clearly care about him and try to make things okay. 

Not the Duke’s Darling by Elizabeth Hoyt (2018): Years ago, a horrific murder and a dubious attempt at revenge tore apart the lives of Christopher Renshawe and Lady Freya de Moray. Now he’s a widowed duke with severe claustrophobia and a blackmailer on his case, while she’s an undercover spy for a secret society of Scottish witches who help women. (Awesome.) (Also some of them are lesbians.) When they end up at the same house party, she vows to keep hating him for wronging her family, but does that last long? No, because they’re reasonably good at communicating and can appreciate each other’s goals! This spooky Georgian romance didn’t knock my socks off, but it’s a good start to Hoyt’s new Greycourt series and it has a light touch with the serious issues it handles.

Mrs. Martin’s Incomparable Adventure by Courtney Milan (2019): Violetta Beauchamps, a sixty-nine-year-old* bookkeeper, is cheated out of her pension by her landlord boss. In desperation, she hatches her own retirement plan: swindling Bertrice Martin, a wealthy seventy-three-year-old widow, by pretending to be her insolvent nephew’s landlady. Bertrice has refused to pay her nephew’s debts on principle, but she’s willing to make an exception if Violetta will help pester him into vacating his lodgings. Shenanigans and old-lady romance ensue. This mid-Victorian-set romance novella is like an ambiguous image (for example: that picture that’s either a vase or two faces in profile). Look at it as the tale of two L.M.-Montgomery-style elderly women falling in love, and it’s delightful; look at it for deep social commentary, and it’s pretty simplistic and sometimes even callous. I enjoyed it, but it only works on certain levels.

Summer of the Swans by Betsy Byars (1970): Lately, fourteen-year-old Sara Godfrey has been feeling awkward and out of charity with everyone: her absentee father, her plainspoken aunt, her beautiful older sister, the other kids at school, and even her little brother Charlie, who has been mostly nonverbal and easily disoriented since sustaining serious brain damage during a childhood illness. When Charlie goes missing in the night, though, her only thought is to find him. Despite loving Byars, I avoided this Newberry winner as a kid because it looked kind of boring. It is a little sedate in a classic-American-coming-of-age-story way--part “The Scarlet Ibis,” part Judy Blume--but I still loved Sara, who is always ready to throw down, and I found the depiction of Charlie to be surprisingly sensitive for the time. (The language is outdated, but the passages from Charlie’s POV aren’t condescending, plus he isn’t killed off, as I initially feared.) The descriptions of the coal-ravaged West Virginia countryside are also very evocative.

The TV Kid by Betsy Byars (1974): Lenny, a preteen living with his single mom at the kitschy Kentucky motel she owns, struggles in school and has no friends. (His family moves around a lot and he probably has a learning disability.) He has two sources of solace: watching TV and sneaking into the abandoned lake houses in his neighborhood. One day, though, his favorite hobbies get him into trouble. This was one of my favorite Byars books as a kid, even though I was not familiar with the TV landscape of 1974. I liked it a little less this time, but not because it was dated; instead, I was disconcerted by how pro-getting-bitten-by-a-rattlesnake it is. Also, a significant portion of the story is devoted to a child suffering horrible pain from a snakebite, which is harder to take as an adult reader. Still, it’s got some of that classic Byars melancholy.

The Cybil War by Betsy Byars (1981): Eleven-year-old Simon has had a crush on his classmate Cybil for years, because she does awesome stuff like advocate for more active roles for girls in the yearly school pageants. He’s not inspired to act on his feelings, though, until his awful best friend Tony decides he likes Cybil and starts talking shit to her about Simon. There’s a lot to like about this book. Cybil, with her nonchalant confidence and kindness, is a wonderful character, and Simon’s thorough admiration for her is adorable. I also like how Byars ties Simon’s complicated feelings about his deadbeat dad to his efforts to navigate small-scale fifth-grade drama; both weigh heavily on him, and Byars is never condescending about this. Yet the book’s not Byars’s best, mostly because of the lack of generosity towards Cybil’s fat friend Harriet and, to a lesser extent, Tony. 

Sex and Violence by Carrie Mesrobian (2013): Seventeen-year-old Evan doesn’t do serious relationships, instead preferring to hook up with girls and ghost them when he starts having feels. (His family moves around a lot and he’s got some trauma.) Then one girl’s jealous ex orchestrates a horrific assault on them both, leading Evan’s distant widowed dad to take his traumatized son back to their Minnesota hometown. It turns out okay. I liked this novel a lot more once I accepted it as an intentionally messy coming-of-age novel, rather than an issue novel...but it was still a little too messy for its own good. I felt like I was supposed to condemn Evan for having casual sex, something that’s both morally neutral and natural enough for a teen who moves every year, yet the narrative all but endorses his contempt for lower-class girls. I was also uncomfortable with the revelation that Evan was a survivor of statutory rape. It seemed like he was being punished by the narrative only for hyper-sexuality that clearly stemmed from trauma--with a physical assault with some strong sexual implications, no less--but let off the hook for his thoughtless middle-class-boy prejudices. I did feel for him, though, and that carried me through most of the book.

October Wind by Susan Wiggs (1991): In late-fifteenth-century Spain,  Cristóbal Colón (aka Christopher Columbus) tries to convince Queen Isabella to fund a westward expedition. Meanwhile, nobleman Joseph Sarmiento learns an enormous secret about his background and must decide whether to alter the course of his life. During this time, Rafael Viscaino, a young scribe, strives to rise in the world while his friends, aspiring doctor Catalina and cheerful but troubled half-Roma Santiago, have their own struggles. This historical novel (which just barely qualifies as a romance) has a lot of potential, but it wastes too much time on Columbus and Isabella, plus it gives them more credit than they deserve. Wiggs should’ve focused on Joseph, the sexiest and most likable character, and made more of his eventual relationship with Anacaona, a Guanahani woman. Or else she should’ve just made it a poly romance with Rafael/Catalina/Santiago, which she comes this close to doing.

Love’s Willing Servant by Avis Worthington (1980): Left penniless by her father and betrayed by her childhood sweetheart, Lettice Clifford decides to take herself to her sister’s home in colonial Virginia and get a rich husband. She’s surprised to find herself sharing a ship with Geoffrey Finch, a neighbor who has been betrayed by his evil twin and sold into indentured servitude. When his indenture ends up getting bought by her brother-in-law, they grow closer, but multiple creepy people and Bacon’s Rebellion threaten their love. Maybe I’ve just seen too much, but I was pleasantly surprised by the relative inoffensiveness of this Old School romance. Geoffrey is a reasonable person, there’s not a sexual assault every other chapter, and the racism issues are more “the black characters should be more central” than “this is just a defense of slavery” or “calm down with the n-word, Quentin Tarantino.” These small mercies aside, I also enjoyed the absolutely bonkers plot and the use of historical details. I didn’t care much for Lettice, though, because she’s usually either boring or kind of a dick. 

*Nice.

[laird-brochtuarach]

ICONS AUGUST 2018 RAKE-IN-PROGRESS: SAM HEUGHAN

Sam Heughan is an actor, cult figure, philanthropist and marathon runner. The Rake is won over.

fashion director JO GRZESZCZUK by JESSICA BERESFORD photographyNICK KELLY

Charcoal virgin wool three-piece suit, Connolly; grey cotton shirt, Budd Shirtmakers; navy silk knitted tie, Francesco Marino for The Rake.

The collective noun for Sam Heughan’s fans are Heughligans, who number in the tens of thousands and act as a testament to his success: as an actor, philanthropist and, as you’ll probably agree, a rather stand-up guy. This affection is directed at one of Heughan’s characters in particular: Jamie Fraser, a soldier and the central protagonist of the cult T.V. series Outlander. Based on the books of Diana Gabaldon, the time-travelling show is set mainly in Scotland, but enjoyed most of its early success outside the U.K. — from America to Chile, Australia to Japan — despite Heughan himself hailing from Caledonia.

While he’s been enveloped in this world for four seasons, Heughan will this year venture into more varied roles, including as a secret agent in the action-packed Bond spoof The Spy Who Dumped Me. He plays Sebastian, a secret agent who aids co-stars Mila Kunis and Kate McKinnon in their far-fetched journey around Europe, and who leads a rather different life to Jamie.

Away from set, Heughan keeps a fairly busy schedule: he runs a charitable initiative called My Peak Challenge, which encourages people to improve themselves physically and mentally while raising funds for Bloodwise and Marie Curie; he participates in marathons around the world to raise money for other charities; and, rather fittingly, he is developing his own brand of whisky, which stems from enjoying “a little dram now and then”.

How did growing up in Scotland inform your career? I was born and brought up in rural Scotland, in the southwest, and I think I was very fortunate living in the countryside: being alone but being in the outdoors, there’s a lot of freedom of expression and creativity — you can use your imagination a lot. I moved to Edinburgh when I was 12, and to me that was a great time to move, because you’re getting older and I started going to the theatre there, and that was certainly how I fell in love with acting. But I think Scotland is definitely a huge part of who I am, and through the show it’s given me a recognisable identity.

When did you realise you could make a living out of acting? I don’t think I have yet. If you’re a jobbing actor, or doing anything in the arts, you’re only as good as your last job. There’s always that fear that something is going to come crashing down. Things are really good, and have been very good for me recently, but I guess you’re always slightly looking over your shoulder. It’s not a bad thing, you’re just ready for everything to change.

What’s it like being part of something that has such a big cult following? We have a unique fan, I think. Diana wrote these books 20 years ago, or longer now, so we’ve got the people who were fans of the books, but then also we’re creating new fans who haven’t heard of the books, who are just watching the show through Amazon or whatever. But they’re very supportive and enthusiastic and vocal, sometimes more so than other fan groups, I think. They have a real ownership over the characters, and that’s probably because they’ve read the books, much like Lord of the Rings or Game of Thrones. People love these characters.

How did you approach playing a character that people were already invested in? When you get either a real-life figure or someone from a book, it’s actually kind of a gift because you can research them, but there’s also that pressure of getting it right, because you don’t want to upset or disappoint people. I think we were slightly naive in that we didn’t realise how big the books were and how invested the fans were when we started. When I first auditioned for it, I just felt like I knew the character, that I knew who this guy is. It’s very fortunate that there are a lot of similarities in who he is and that world. I love Scotland and it’s a big part of who I am, but it’s also a big part of who Jamie is.

How have you transitioned from Outlander to The Spy Who Dumped Me, which are very different? First of all, the comedy world was something I had no idea about. But when I read the script, I laughed out loud, and I thought it was rare that you read a comedy script and it’s actually funny. I think a lot of comedy they supply these days is a lot of slapstick, visual comedy. But I felt this was clever and the dialogue was good. To work with Mila Kunis and Kate McKinnon, who are at the top of their game, was a great opportunity. The first day was very intimidating, because I’m so used to working on drama, where, literally, if you get one word slightly wrong, you’re told and you have to make sure that you get the script exactly. And Mila Kunis is just ad-libbing and going off on a tangent, and the same with Kate, every take. And you’re just like, How does this even come together? I don’t know how it works, but they made me feel very comfortable and it was a great experience.

Having now done both drama and comedy, what do you see yourself pursuing? I’m actually off to do two movies this summer, they’re both slightly different. I think I just want to do as much variation as possible. I just want to try different things. As an actor, I certainly never wanted to do the same job, I don’t want to do a 9-5, I don’t want to do the same thing. I want to try different things, and that’s the joy of being an actor — you get to be different people. So, yeah, I want to try and stretch myself.

What jobs have you had outside acting? I’ve done them all. I lived and worked in London for 12 years as a jobbing actor. I delivered sandwiches by bicycle around London during winter, which was horrendous. I worked in all the bars, restaurants. We were doing the BAFTAs the other night at the Southbank Centre, and I actually worked there as a barman a couple of years ago, so it was kind of cool to be on the other side. I won’t name the actor, but I remember I was working for an event at fashion week, and an actor I know, and would almost regard as a friend — my job was to hold people’s drinks as they went and had a cigarette, and he didn’t even notice me and came and gave me his drink and I was just standing there going, ‘Oh my god, I’m just standing here holding his drink, I feel like such an idiot’. But yeah, I’ve been a temp, I worked at Harrods in the perfume hall. I was one of those guys…

What else have you got in the pipeline? I’m off to do a project this summer. I think I can say that it’s an action thing, maybe based on some comics. And it’s going to be a lot of fun.

This interview is from Issue 59 of The Rake. Subscribe here.

[cecilspeaks]

121 - A Story of Love and Horror, Part 1: “Barks”

The password is “mudwomb”. The username is “mudwomb”. The website is “mudwomb”. Where did the rest of the Internet go? Welcome to Night Vale.

I would like to tell you a story. It is a difficult story and I don’t know what it means, but it seems important to me to tell you. It is about two people and a terrible, impossible decision that they found themselves having to make. It concerns Frances Donaldson and Nazr al-Mujaheed.

But first, the community calendar. 

This Tuesday evening the Night Vale Football Boosters Club will hold their meeting at the Applebee’s that we’re all pretty sure was a Chili’s just yesterday, but now is an Applebee’s, and all records show it has always been an Applebee’s even though we remember it as a Chili’s. The subject of this week’s meeting will be the timing of football games, which all members agree are too long. “Hey, I like football as much as the next guy,” said Hannah Gutierrez, “but a whole sixty minutes of play? Plus all the breaks and starting and stopping? We're busy people. Football should take less time.” The Booster Club will be working on their new proposal to get games done in a tight 15, so everyone can get home to watch the newest episode of Stop Chef, in which a group of contestants compete to prevent a chef from cooking.

Wednesday is Love Day at Dark Owl Records. Owner Michelle Nguyen explained that after recent love-focused events, she wanted everyone to understand that love is a laughable concept. And she wanted to highlight its absurdity by selling albums with songs that ruthlessly mock love using subtle irony, like “I Will Always Love You” and “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough”. My former radio intern Maureen, who was in the store too and was holding hands with Michelle, agreed that love is stupid, and funny. And fun and ridiculous, and all-encompassing and revitalizing. Then Michelle said, “What?” And Maureen said, “What?” And then they both got embarrassed and asked me to leave.

Thursday is the Safety Parade, which the Sheriff’s Secret Police hold each year in order to highlight safety. Of course, no one is allowed to march in or attend the parade for their own safety. As Secret Police Mascot, Barks Ennui, always says: “Woof woof! The biggest danger to you – is you! Woof woof.”

Friday is a meeting at town hall to discuss the problem of entrances to other universes, and the question of whether all of us even ended up in the right universe after that whole recent mixup. There will be light snacks as well as blood tests and surprise interrogations about our version of history, in order to trip up intruders from parallel universes. Attendance is mandatory.

This Saturday and Sunday, the Brown Stone Spire will be offering powerful gifts in exchange for great sacrifices. The larger the sacrifice, the more powerful the gift. For instance, if you give it a DVD you got for Christmas five years ago and have never even taken out of its shrink wrap, it’ll give you a well-worn copy of “Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets” that is missing its cover. But if you give it an offering of your own blood and fervent chanting, the copy of “Chamber of Secrets” it gives you will have an intact cover.

And finally, this Monday, Night Vale cinemas will be hosting a showing of that classic comedy caper, “The Grift of the Magi”, in which two con artists run scams in order to get one another Christmas gifts, only to find that they have accidentally each stolen the money from the other.

And now, a story of love – and horror.

Frances Donaldson runs the Antiques Mall in Old Time Night Vale. Long before she took on that job though, she developed an interest in time. As a child, she would stand still and consider that while she had not moved at all in space, something had changed. That she had grown just slightly older, her hair just slightly longer, and this without being able to see the movement at all. She liked to lie in bed and, through her window, watch planes pass very high in the sky. She liked to think about where they had taken off and where they might land. Objects fascinated her, because they too moved through time, on a different trajectory than her. Her bedroom lamp had existed, looking more or less like it was now, since before she was born, and could well exist after she had died. It wasn’t even aware, was too unable to move, and yet it joined her in this mad hurdle through time.

She found this terrifying, and she found this fascinating. And she found this delightful and she wanted it to stop. And she hoped it never stopped, and she felt all of these feelings equally and at once, and without contradiction. What use was there in worrying if all of what she felt about time did not exactly add up? She was too busy feeling it to consider what it meant. And so, of course, she became fascinated with antiques. These objects washed up from the crooked tides of time.

Nazr al-Mujaheed coaches the Night Vale High School football team. Go Scorpions. And this was almost the entirety of his world. He thought about football when he woke up, he thought about it on the drive to work. Of course he thought about it when he ran practices and had meetings with the assistant coaches, and he thought about it at night when he ate take-out dinners on his couch while watching football. This made him happy. And what makes a person happy, if it doesn’t harm another person and doesn’t harm themselves, is OK. Even if it’s not how anyone else would want to live.

But while it made him happy, Nazr was also aware that is more than one kind of happiness. And that perhaps this happiness he found in a life endlessly thinking about football, was less than the happiness he could find in a life with more things in it. This wasn’t about fixing a problem, this was an attempt to improve on a good situation. This was his play for some sort of grace. Other people he knew could provide an outside perspective, and perhaps allow him to be less focused on his work and on the game he coached. And so he decided he would try dating. Without expectations, without a plan, just as a way to see what the world might have for him.

And now, a word from our sponsors.

[masculine ad reader voice] Ford! Our cars are built strong, strong like a rock or a mountain or a bone. In fact, our cars are built out of bones, weird metal bones that were buried in a meteor. What creature did they belong to? How did it live with a skeleton of steel? Are its relatives even now streaking down from the sky, intent on revenging themselves upon the pitiful culture that desecrated their dead and turned them into affordable and reliable pickup trucks? Who knows. We certainly don’t. We barely understand how an engine works. We have one guy who knows, and he builds them all. But in order to protect his job, he won’t show anyone else how to do it. Now that’s smart thinking. Ford: drive weird bones.

There was no great epiphany for Frances that led to her dating life. She had been on the dating app, Void, since it had become available in Night Vale, and had gone on a few casual Void dates. It was not an important part of her life, because it didn’t seem likely to ever lead to anything more. But the occasional company was nice. A night with someone, and then back to her life as it was, which was a life she liked. In this way, her dating was related to her obsession with time. Her bed was always the same bed, and sometimes there was another person in it. And mostly only her. She floated upon that bed as it moved through time. Passengers on and off, and she alone voyaging onward.

And then, Nazr messaged her on Void and they started chatting. For his part, he was unsure of how to date, it having been some time since he had done and certainly before dating happened as a series of written communications, rather than awkward hand gestures. So he had messaged a number of women in town, who had seemed to him like someone he might want to spend more time with. He did this without expectation. He had few expectations that did not involve football. He just performed the actions that might lead to new outcomes for him, and three of the women had messaged back. He was, after all, not a bad looking man, handsome even, although it had been a long time since anyone had told him that. And so it would not have occurred to him that he was handsome, and this in many ways made him even more handsome.

Frances and he agreed to meet for lunch near the high school. This was close enough to her antique store that she could walk, and so the whole thing didn’t feel to either of them like much of a commitment of time. “So,” he said, once they had sat down with their food. “So,” she agreed, and for an awful moment it seemed like it would hang there in uncomfortable silence, and a bad date best forgotten. But then he asked about antiques, because he himself had an interest in old football trophies. And he agreed that might seem a bit weird, but the thing was that their designs were often fascinating. Never having been meant to stand up under scrutiny, crudely carved players, hands like dinner rolls, feet disappearing into the base of the trophy. And this turned into a discussion of all the many old items that would never be valuable from the viewpoint of capitalism, but were more interesting than the ones that were valuable. From this, the conversation spread out into her fascination with time. And then time itself, and their childhoods, and how it was hard sometimes to remember that they themselves were adults. And in Nazr’s case, older than his parents ever lived to be.

On returning to work, Nazr started the afternoon football practice as usual. And as usual, threw himself into the rhythm of drills, spells and counter-spells that make up any football skirmish. But he found, for the first time in his life, that he couldn’t make himself fully focus. There was a part of him still thinking about the lunch, about the way her hands had looked tapping on the table. About the way she talked about time as it were not an implacable force, but an old and fallible friend. He had to continually draw himself back intro practice, and the players wondered if he perhaps was sick.

Frances stood at the window of her antique shop watching the planes fly overhead. When a person entered the shop, she would acknowledge them vaguely with a nod, and then acknowledge them vaguely with a nod again when they left. But otherwise, she kept her eyes on the window. Something in her chest felt tight, but also less heavy. She was both scared and happy, and she wasn’t sure why she was either of those. When later they both messaged and decided to go on a second date, an evening date at a nice restaurant, something with a bit more commitment behind it, neither of them connected it directly to the way they felt after their lunch together. But both of them could not contain their impatience, and had messaged that very evening. Both at exactly 10:55 PM.

Let’s have a look at that weather.

["Riches and Wonders" by Eliza Rickman & Jherek Bischoff]

There was a second date. And that night, she went with him back to his house. Then a third date, when they went to her house. Then a few more dates where they sometimes went to one of their houses and sometimes just kissed, wild with the feeling of it. Out in the park lot of whatever restaurant or bar they had met at, before saying good night because they had to work in the morning, and they were adults who sometimes had control of themselves.

This was not one of those nights, though. This was a night that she was in his bed and he was asleep. This was a little over a month after their first date. As she lay sleepy and happy, she watched the TV, which was tinting the darkness a soft fickering blue. It was an old episode of “Friends”, in which Joey rolls limply and slowly, over the course of 21 minutes, across the apartment while out of focus in the background, Phoebe searches desperately through every cabinet and screams. Frances had seen the episode too many times to laugh out loud at, but still it felt comforting to watch, like sitting in a room that she liked. The episode had become a place she could go, rather than a story to follow.

There was a commercial break and a PSA from the Secret Police came on, featuring the adorable cartoon spokesdog, Barks Ennui. He capered about, pointing out all the different ways one could break the law in Night Vale and get sentenced to a forever term in the abandoned mine shaft outside of town. She found herself grinning at his bad puns in the section about reporting on your neighbors: “Traitorous activities can be ruff! Go fetch us their deepest secrets!” And then Barks said her name. His cartoon canine face turned directly to the screen and he said, “Frances.” She didn’t know how to respond. A commercial had never spoken to her, and certainly it had never done what Barks did next, which was to step out of the TV screen in a clumsy flopping movement and then sit up, a two-dimensional flickering cartoon dog standing in the bedroom.

“Frances,” Barks said. “You aren’t supposed to be here. This doesn’t belong to you.” He cocked his animated head, the wall of Nazr’s apartment vaguely visible through him, as though through heavy fog. As his head turned, it sagged in the direction of the ground, stretching and distorting his cartoon puppy face until it was a series of drooping ovals. When he spoke again, his voice sounded stretched too. “You will have to make this right, Frances!” he garbled. [muddled] “You will have to make this right!”

She screamed. Nothing happened. She screamed.

Stay tuned next, just – stay tuned. Next.

Good night, Night Vale, Good night.

Today’s proverb: Welcome to 2018. The year we finally do it. The year we eat the sun.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #472

“we don’t deal with outsiders very well  /  they say newcomers have a certain smell”

Does your favorite uncle have any children? Yeah; he has one son and a daughter. If you want children, what are some of your reasons for wanting them? I don't. I'm selfish with my alone time, and I want to live for me. I don't want to essentially hand over my life for someone else, give my all for them, and then I wind up not being enough. I don't want the financial burden. I don't want to be responsible for another human being. There are so, so many reasons I don't want kids. Does a career in finance sound interesting to you? Noooot at all. When you cook a dish that has beans in it, do you prefer to use canned or dry beans? I don't cook, but you also wouldn't catch me dead cooking beans. After finishing a bowl of cereal, do you drink the leftover milk? No. What’s something that’s been bothering you lately? I've been pushing it to the back of my mind to avoid panicking, so I probably shouldn't even talk about it, but I worry quite a bit that Girt will eventually leave me because of me not being "adult" enough, like having a job, a car, knowing how to do basic adult stuff... you know. I don't feel like he will, given just how devoutly he's been by my side since HS, and especially now that we're together, I'm working harder towards those goals, but still. I worry it'll happen. Do you use dry shampoo between washes? No. What’s the most severe allergic reaction you’ve ever had to something? I've never had a severe one. What was the last show you binge-watched? Psych with Girt. I quite liked it. Have you ever lived with someone you didn’t get along with? No. What’s something that bothers you more and more as you get older? Political issues. Do you have a fitness tracker? No. Who was the last person to kiss you on the cheek? Girt. What is your favourite sauce to eat with spaghetti? Just your normal tomato sauce. Where do you usually sit when you eat dinner? ... In my bed. :x Do you think your ex ever loved you? Yes. Have you ever had a filling? For my teeth? Yes. Should tattoos be meaningful? Get a tattoo for whatever reason you please. It doesn't necessarily have to be meaningful, no. Do you think wisteria trees look cool? Get a wisteria tree. Do you like to eat strawberries? Get a strawberry. There doesn't need to be a big story. Do certain times of the year remind you of certain people? Yes. January is like... all about Jason in my head because within that month is his birthday and our former anniversary. Are there any negative points to being in a relationship? Uh, there's probably something. What the most recent good news you’ve heard? Just today actually I got a phone call about some genetic testing I had done to see if I carried the malfunctioning gene my mother has that makes her more prone to certain types of cancer. My sisters and I all got tested, and all three of us are good! Our pancreatic, breast, and ovarian cancer risks are the same as your average person walking down the street. Would you hug your bf/gf’s best friend? I don't know his best friend. I don't think I would upon just meeting him, though. Who was the last person in your family to have a baby? My older sister. Would your parents be okay with you dating someone of another race? Mom wouldn't care less, while I don't really know about my dad. Not that it would matter what he thought. Do you like when friends stop by unexpectedly? NO NO NO NO NEVER DO THIS. I have to be mentally prepared for company. How strong are your feelings for the last person you kissed? I really, really love him. It's funny how wildly my emotions flipped from platonic to romantic with him just by giving it some deep thought. How close are you to the last person you hung out with? Can you be your complete self around them? We're very close, and yes. I'm still extremely shy for him to know some things, but ultimately, I'd tell him a whole lot. Is music a daily part of your life? Usually, anyway. Did you go to your high school’s graduation? Yes. Did you do anything sexual last night? Naw. Do you think the last person you Facebook messaged is a virgin? Doubt it, he's been in at least one serious relationship before. Ever want a monkey as a pet? I would absolutely fucking never, even if it was moral and possible to give them all they need as a pet. I've never been that into monkeys, anyway. What’s the scariest bug you’ve ever seen? I've seen a massive stag beetle at least once and it was such a fuck no. Do you think it’s alright if people baby talk to babies? Yes...? They're unfamiliar with the world and need gentleness to establish trust and a positive bond in general. There is nothing wrong with treating babies like, well, babies. Ever take a nap in a hammock? I don't believe I've ever fallen asleep in one, but I definitely used to just chill out and close my eyes on the one we used to have at my old place, under the shade of the trees. Who’s the best character in Rugrats? I don't have an opinion on this, surprisingly. I adored that show as a kid and had two video games for it. Pop-Tarts or Toaster Struddels? The latter. But both are tasty. Ever want to make out with someone, anyone, didn’t matter who? Er, no. I have to love you. Smack someone on the ass lately? This question is worded so uncomfortably lmao but no. Someone smack your ass lately? Still an uncomfortable question but no. Do you like puppies more than adult dogs? They're cute, but no. Adult dogs are generally calmer and actually know where to use the bathroom. If you go grey as you age, would you dye your hair or let it be? I plan on dyeing my hair for a loooong time if it's something extra I can afford. Is there a historical figure you find interesting? If so, who? The first person who came to mind was Pharaoh Hatshepsut. Girl power, man. Was there a family secret you weren’t told about until you were an adult? I guess maybe my dad having done serious drugs for a while. I don't know if anyone would've told me that as a kid. Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else’s property? I've never vandalized, period. What do you usually order from Olive Garden? SPICY SHRIMP FRITAAAAAAAAASSSSSSS <3 What is in the back seat of your car right now? I have no idea what's in the back of Mom's car, actually. I don't pay attention. What was the last thing you threw up? I'd assume whatever I had for dinner with the medication that made me vomit. What color is your mom’s hair? Since chemo, it was growing back completely gray, so now she dyes it black. If you were to join one of the armed forces, which would it be? Yeah, no. Not even entertaining this. I'd rather die. If you swapped genders for a day, how would you spend it? Ha, it's weird, the first thing that came to mind was "how would I look in makeup?" because men in makeup can look like fuckin babes so I guess that's what I'm doing lmaooo. Have you ever been to see stand-up comedy? No, but I would. I think it sounds fun. Have you ever been in a submarine? No, but that'd be cool. Do you believe there used to be dragons? No. I wish. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane? Ohio. Have you ever appeared on YouTube? lkajsd;lkfjae yes Have you ever planted a tree? An apple tree, yes. Which celebrity do you find the most annoying? I don't care. Does your best girlfriend have any talents that you don’t? She can animate pretty darn well! Have you ever written a song? Guys when I was a little kid I wrote a song to the Nintendogs theme fucking kill me Does anybody send you money in the mail for your birthday? My grampa on Dad's side used to, but he's deceased now. He would do that for me and my sisters, and I always thought it was so wild, because it was like, a lot, and this man barely knew us at all because of how far away my dad's family is. Do you have any scratches on your cell phone? No. Do you know anybody who has a birthday in November? I mean I'm sure I do, but no one off the top of my head that I know well, anyway. What monster would you be most afraid to have in your closet? Ghostface bc I've been afraid of him since I was a kid, and I HATE knives. Which Adam Sandler movie do you like the most? I don't know if I have a favorite. He's also just in so many movies though that I could never think of all of them. Have you ever been abused by a police officer? Yikes, no. Do you know anyone who is very ignorant? Boy, do I. I know plenty. When was the last time someone said something mean and offensive to you? I don't know, and I'd rather not try to remember. Would you ever film a vlog of yourself giving birth? ?????????????????????????? NO????????????????????????? WHY WOULD I WANT THAT????????????????????????????????? Do you think your hair looks best straight, wavy, or curly? Straight. Name 3 YouTubers you would like to meet in person: Markiplier obvs, Rhett & Link are a pair channel, so I count them as one unit, and uhhh just one more... Snake Discovery/Emily & Ed. I could hang with them, man. What makes you more creative? Music. Have you ever slow danced with anyone? Yeah, one person. Who’s the last person to send you a message on Facebook? My sister Misty. She's making me this really cool Halloween-y wreath to keep on my door year-round. She's really good with crafts and is making some beautiful ones. What’s the last magical thing you experienced? I'd rather keep it private, but the general gist is just realizing how much I love someone again. Were you raised religious? Yes. Didn't stick. Never felt "right" or "at home" in any religion. If you had a lot of money, do you think you would use it wisely? I hope I would. I feel like growing up poor, it could go either way. I do THINK I'd use it pretty wisely, at least. Maybe go a bit too hard into things I seriously love (like tattoos), but then be really stingy in other areas. Do you like the same colors now that you did as a kid? In general, yes. My favorites are still all shades and tints of red. Got any nicknames that you rarely even use? Not nicknames I use nowadays, no. Nevermind what gender you ARE, what gender do you WANT to be? I’m fine being female. Do you ever feel ashamed revealing your age? Absolutely, because of how little I've accomplished. Based on your running speed, what animal would you be? Like, a tortoise probs. :^) Can you read in public? Only if it's quiet. Pokemon, Digimon, GI JOE, Barbies, or other? Pokemon, duh. What’s something that makes you really stressed out? Not having a job, to name one thing. Are you any good at science? I've always been really good at (most) science, actually. Like language arts, it's just something that naturally "clicks" for me. Do you go on any forums on the net? Just KM right now. Got any secrets you honestly can’t say to anyone? It's not that I can't, like I don't have any deep, dark secrets that would rock someone's world if they knew, there are just things I'm never sharing. Believe in voodoo? Nah. What’s something you’ve tried really hard at? To be a decently successful photographer, but let's not get me started on that travesty. :^)

[crimsxnflxwerz]

I would like that [shyan oneshot]

I would like that summary: the third person who knew Ryan was trans was the ghost that haunted his apartment. rating: teen+ fandom: buzzfeed unsolved pairing: ryan bergara/shane madej warnings: mentioned [murder/death/drug use/stalker/abuser] tags: ghost!shane, trans!ryan, ghost boyfriend, lol, weird universe notes: this is just a random little thing that wouldn’t leave my head no matter how hard i tried so I wrote it down to give myself some peace. have fun guys! this makes no sense, so fair warning!

Ryan could count the number of people who knew he was trans on one hand. 

The first person that he counted would be himself, of course. He’d known ever since he’d heard the word. Whether it was from some botched argument about gender roles or a fresh criticism of Rocky Horror Picture Show, he couldn’t remember, but ever since that he’d been sure that was what he was.

The second person to find out was his brother, Jake. He’d always had a good relationship with his brother, and that didn’t change when Jake had grabbed Ryan’s laundry for him when he still lived at home and accidentally witnessed Ryan’s binder. Jake actually didn’t even realize what it was at first, thinking it some kind of cheap sports bra, and Ryan figured this accident was as good as any to use to come out to him.

It seems horrible to say, but his parents don’t make this list. Ryan moved out of his parents house after graduating college and getting a job with a company he interned with. When he was safely away with his parents, he legally changed his name, started T shots, and got top surgery. He still spoke to his parents, but it was usually over the phone, and if they noticed a change in his voice, they refused to mention it.

The third person who knew about it wasn’t even really a person at all, but rather it was the ghost that haunted his apartment. 

Sounds crazy, and for a while, Ryan thought he was. He went to therapy briefly,not for any depression, just to help him through his transition. He figured maybe the stress was getting to him, or the T affected his brain somehow, but couldn’t find any definitive evidence that linked these things to what he was experiencing.

It wasn’t that he didn’t believe in ghosts, but rather, now that he was actually the subject of a haunting- he couldn’t quite wrap his head around it. 

There were many things to tip him off that it was a ghost in his house and not just random happenstance that seemed paranormal. The first thing that happened was one night he had been drifting off while watching television on his couch. Behind him, on his kitchen counter, his microwave had randomly turned on. He jumped up and turned it off, before any damage was done, but afterwards just blankly stared at it. He had just gotten the thing, brand new. It shouldn’t have been acting up yet. He figured he’d check it out later. 

The second thing happened after he adopted his first dog, a dachshund named Dori. The first few weeks with her were eventful, but more so in the new puppy way than haunting. After he potty trained her, he let her sleep with him at night, making sure to leave the door open in case she got hungry or needed to pee. 

One night, he woke to find Dori softly growling, while still curled up next to him. He rubbed his eyes and tried to look over to the door she was facing to see if something was there, but he couldn’t see anything. All of a sudden, however, the door slammed shut, and he was snapped right out of his groggy state. He stared in horror and fear at his bedroom door. He didn’t go to sleep again that night.

The third thing to happen was something that continued to happen regularly after that. Ryan would wake up, go into the bathroom, and take a shower. After coming out, he noticed that there was some form of scribbling on his mirror, as if someone had run their fingers through the steam. It never really spelled anything, at most creating a dumb shape or something. At first, Ryan was scared of it, but then he figured it was harmless, so he took it as just a normal part of his life. 

All these things eventually prompted him to do some research on his apartment. At first, he didn’t find anything, but that was just from surface level research. He began to get to know his neighbors, and they were fairly quick to open up. Apparently, a man had lived there before him. He had worked as a freelance website designer, but was also known to frequent the local bar and sing or do stand up comedy. His neighbors were deeply saddened when they found out that he had passed away. 

His name had been Shane, and he overdosed on sleeping pills at 35. He had no family or friends close enough to him to confirm anything, but police ruled it a suicide. 

After this, Ryan tried communicating with him. He purchased a Ouija board to ask him some questions, but he either must’ve done something wrong or Shane wasn’t too keen to cooperate, because nothing happened. 

Ryan forgot about it for a while, forgot about him. After a few weeks of no more activity, something else happened. Ryan came home one day to find Dori cowering near the front door. Everything in his apartment was okay, but in his bathroom, the medicine cabinet looked like it just exploded. The door was handing off it’s hinges, bottles, pills, liquids, band-aids, everything scattered across the floor. Ryan was glad that Dori was too scared to eat anything, but he wondered what had caused the outburst. 

He tried reaching out to Shane again, and this time, the Ouija board spelled out “pills” and then stopped working with him. 

The interaction basically confirmed that the ghost in his apartment was, in fact, Shane. For whatever reason, he was unwilling to talk to him. Except to tell him his non-explanation as to why he destroyed his medicine cabinet. 

He figured that before he left for work that day, he’d taken a pain killer to help his headache- something he did very rarely, since he didn’t normally get headaches.

Maybe it bothered Shane, considering how he died. 

Anyways, Ryan knew that Shane knew that he was trans. That was his third person. How did he know this? Well, the scribbles on his mirror after each shower slowly became a dialogue between them. Shane would normally leave something for him to see (like “dog?”), and Ryan would reply with an answer (like “Dori”) and then leave the bathroom. 

One day he stepped out of the shower to something quite comical. It was a drawing of him, albeit crude, and there was an arrow pointing to his crotch with a question mark at the end. Ryan rolled his eyes playfully, and wrote “I’m trans” on the mirror. The next thing that happened really spooked him. 

Slowly, new words started forming in the condensation, “trans?” Ryan stared in disbelief for a moment, before he recovered and wrote, “female transitioned to male”.

There were no more responses after that, but Shane didn’t go away.

Through his time living there, he began to warm up to Shane. The fact that he was regularly interacting with a spirit was wild enough, but that spirit knew and understood that he was trans as well was even more outlandish. He couldn’t imagine telling anyone about it. This would be his secret- but he was fine with that- he was used to keeping secrets. 

Sometimes he would wake up to his coffee already made, or the news on. One time he woke up to find that Shane had literally picked out his clothes for the day. 

Ryan began to get more and more curious about the specter living with him. He asked around and found out Shane’s last name, and scoured the web for any information about the man. He even frequented the bar that Shane had gone to in his life to perform stand up. Some people knew Ryan as the guy who moved into Shane’s old apartment, and they were pretty willing to share stories about the dude. Apparently he had lots of friends.

So why did he kill himself? Why did he overdose on those sleeping pills? Was it an accident? Ryan realized that he was being nosy, but he had to know. It was killing him to not know.

Maybe he was being too invasive, since not long after he started researching and compiling information, things started happening in his apartment. He’d get out of the shower to the word “no” written all over the mirror. He’d come back to his apartment, only to find his lights flickering or his fridge door opening and closing. Sometimes, he found Dori growling and barking at empty corners, and random spots in his apartment freezing cold. 

Was Shane angry that he was looking?

Ryan set up some candles to try out the Ouija board again, but each time he lit one, he would go on to the next to find the first one had already gone out. He tried several times, the candles getting put out each time, before he gave up. He cursed at the room.

“You don’t want to talk to me? Fine! Fuck you!” he shouted, making Dori whimper next to him. 

That night he dreamed of a tall, lanky figure with soft features, and messy hair. He had warm, brown eyes- calloused hands- rough five o-clock shadow. The figure in his dream slipped into bed next to him and wrapped him up in a hug. He felt warm as he slept. When he woke, the space next to him was still warm like someone had slept there. It couldn’t have been Dori, since she always slept at his feet.

So maybe Ryan had developed a little bit of a crush. 

Even though it was impossible. How could he have a crush on a ghost? Though, the ghost knew more about him than anyone else in his life. Shane knew how Ryan liked his coffee, he knew that while Ryan found it hard to wake up early, he enjoyed the soft silence before dawn. Shane knew that he sang pop songs in the shower, and that he preferred shampoo that smelled like lilacs, and sometimes when he was cooking he did a little dance while he waited for something from the oven.

And Shane knew that he was trans, and he respected that.

Not that he’s sure what Shane would or could do if he didn’t respect that. He was a ghost after all.

When he came home from work a few days later, he found something tied onto Dori’s collar. It was a little note. He opened it. It read: “talk ?” in a messy scrawl he recognized from the many conversations on his bathroom mirror he had.

He smiled and brought out the candles and Ouija board and got everything ready. He opened a channel and put his hands lightly on the planchette. He moved the object over Hello to welcome Shane, and then let it move freely.

“Sorry,” Shane spelled out. “End like me.”

“Were you afraid I’d end up like you?” Ryan asked. He was sort of confused, because he wasn’t really depressed or anything. Ever since he moved out of his parents house, he felt the stress of hiding his identity wear off. After top surgery, he felt even better. The only thing stressing him out right now was Shane.

The planchette moved to the yes on the board. Ryan shook his head.

“I’m fine, Shane,” he reassured him. “You don’t need to worry about me.”

“Not depressed.” Shane spelled out. Ryan paused for a moment. He wasn’t really sure what he meant by that. Did he mean to say that he knew Ryan wasn’t depressed- or had he not been depressed? Did that mean that what happened to him wasn’t a suicide?

“Did...Did you...” Ryan started, hesitating. “Did you kill yourself?”

There was along, silent moment where the planchette didn’t move at all. Then it slowly moved to the no in the corner. Ryan felt like his heart had stopped. It had been the usual story, the funny guy with no family killed himself in his apartment alone one night. He hadn’t really found out anything about the cops doing any blood tests or anything- only an empty pill bottle on the bedside table. He figured that kind of thing wouldn’t have been released anyways, but maybe it was never done. Maybe they saw this lonely, dead man and figured it was a suicide.

Was Shane still here because he had been given no justice in death?

“What happened to you?” Ryan asked, even though he knew the ghost wouldn’t be able to give him any long answers. He stayed quiet, however. The planchette remained still for a moment longer, before Ryan’s laptop that had been sitting on the coffee table near the couch flew open and turned on. Things were being typed into the search bar, and eventually a social media account was brought up. It was a dating website profile. Ryan let go of the planchette and moved over to look at it closer.

Shane Madej. Age, 35. Male. Hey, my name is Shane. I’m really just looking for a chill relationship with someone I have some stuff in common with. I love cartoons and video games, so I’m kinda nerdy, but I’m not opposed to a night on the town, or a romantic dinner and movie. I’m obsessed with popcorn, and just a foodie in general. If interested, please hit me up, maybe we could meet.

There were lots of comments and likes on his profile, but they were all from a long time ago- a few years in fact. It looked like the account had been inactive for at least a year before Shane had passed away. The most recent comments, however- just weeks before Shane had died, were the most disturbing. They were from a man named Zach Smith, a white man with dark hair who looked to be in his forties. 

Zach Smith Hey babe, want to catch a drink with ol Zach-y sometime? I’ll make it worth your while.

Zach Smith Hey, answer me sweetheart, or you’ll regret it, I promise.

Zach Smith Oh darling, I’m obsessed with you. I know where you live, I saw you park outside your apartment today and I almost just went up and grabbed you.

The comments went on, but Ryan couldn’t stomach them any longer. Ryan looked back at the planchette that started moving on it’s own. It spelled out found me and hurt and drugs. Ryan felt his stomach flip as he glanced between the Ouija board and the dating website. He clicked over to Zach Smith’s profile, and immediately saw that it was a fake account with a false name. He turned back to the board again and saw that Shane was spelling something else out.

“Hate that they think I wanted to die,” he spelled out. “afraid of drugs afraid for you.”

“Why are you afraid for me?” Ryan asked.

“Trans boy,” he spelled out. Ryan felt a little cold at the explanation. He sighed.

“Just because I’m a trans boy?” he asked, sounding a little annoyed.

“I was gay.” the planchette spelled. Ryan let out a soft ‘oh’ upon realizing the connection. His killer had been preying on gay men looking for relationships online, and that was how he’d found Shane in the first place.

Ryan wondered if he should turn over this information to the police. But, It wasn’t as if Shane’s case was any kind of mystery to them. He knew the dark truth, but no one else did.

“Is there anyone you want me to tell?” he asked Shane. The planchette didn’t move. Nothing moved. Dori started barking, but after Ryan reached out and pulled the puppy into his lap, the candles were blown out. He figured this session was over. Maybe Shane could only speak for so long before he got tired.

Either way, a lot of information had been exchanged today. 

That night, when Ryan slipped into bed, he waited for the dip in his mattress and the warm arms around his waist to fall asleep. Peaking over his shoulder, he could just make out the angle of a broad shoulder, and he felt safe. 

A week later, he came home to a note on his fridge. it read: nobody. He could tell it was written by Shane. At first, he wasn’t sure what it meant, then he remembered his question from the other night about telling people. Shane was killed, and he didn’t want anyone to know. Ryan wondered if Shane was estranged from his family because he was queer, too. He wondered if Shane just didn’t want to reopen old scars with new information about his death. Whatever the reason, it was Shane’s decision, so he respected it. It wasn’t like the police would believe him if he told him he could talk to Shane from beyond the grave or anything. 

“I wish you weren’t dead, though,” Ryan said out loud to himself. “Although, if you never died, we never would have met.”

After the revelations, weeks went by without any communications from Shane. He attempted to talk to him several times, but after still only getting radio silence on his fifth attempt, he decided to stop trying. He knew Shane was still hanging around, he hadn’t moved on or anything yet, he just wasn’t talking to him. Ryan still felt the familiar presence join him for bed at night, and the blanket of security he always associated with Shane meandering about the house moving things around. He wondered why Shane wasn’t talking anymore, but he was okay with it. 

He was starting to really settle into the neighborhood- gaining more and more friends- and he’d even invited his brother over to his apartment a few times. His job was the best thing ever, he had fun everyday, and worked with amazing people. Though, no matter how many people he met and became friends with, a little nagging voice in the back of his head would always remind him of Shane. He wondered how different the man would’ve been while he was alive. Ryan had heard plenty of funny or wild stories from everyone who had known Shane, but hearing a story and living one where two different things. 

A year went by, and Ryan was finally looking like the kind of male he wanted to look like. He started working out to give his body a more defined shape- lifting, jogging, stuff like that. He wasn’t super obsessed with working out or anything, but he did enjoy it as just a little past time thing to stay in good health. He also loved checking out his own flexing in the mirror sometimes, although he would never admit it.

It was the one year anniversary of the first day Ryan had moved into his new apartment. Dori was bigger, and Ryan was thinking of getting another dachshund to keep her company (and just because he wanted another one). That day, he came home from work and popped himself some fresh popcorn, making more than he usually made just for an extra little treat. He plopped down to watch Netflix on his tv, when he heard something. It sounded like a shifting noise, like someone was shuffling around, and it was coming from his bedroom. 

He put his popcorn down on the coffee table and grabbed a skateboard that he had resting up against his hall closet. He carefully approached his bedroom, seeing that the door was ajar. He crept up and paused at the door momentarily, taking a shaky breath in, before slamming the door open. Inside his bedroom, there was a tall, lanky man, back facing him. He was wearing a worn, jean jacket and black pants, but no shoes. His brown hair was shaved on the sides, long on top, and unkempt- some pieces sticking straight up dramatically. 

As soon as he saw him, Ryan screamed. The man spun around, the motion almost comical, and he started screaming as well. Ryan, spooked, swung the skateboard at the stranger, hitting him so hard that it cracked. Although, he’d only managed to hit the length of the man’s arm, even though he was aiming for his head. He was too short.

The man started speaking, or rather, shouting.

“Wait! Wait!” he begged. “Wait a second! Ryan, wait a second!”

“How do you know my name?” Ryan demanded, dropping the skateboard, but not relaxing in the slightest. He looked as if he were about to bolt. 

“It’s me-” he said. “It’s Shane. I’m Shane. You can see me now.”

“It’s-- It’s uh--” Ryan stuttered, still feeling shell shocked. He looked the man up and down. Now that his brain wasn’t in danger mode, he could tell that the man looked very familiar, similar to the man he’d seen in all the pictures. From the warm, brown eyes, to the worn jean jacket, to the unkempt hair and soft stubble framing his face. He was tall, and awkward, like he heard about. 

But-- he was right there- he was standing right there and Ryan had hit him with a skateboard, not passed through him, actually hit him! This person was a solid, real human.

“You’re supposed to be dead.” Ryan said bluntly. He didn’t mean to sound so rude, or cold, but he was confused. Wasn’t Shane dead? Hadn’t he been killed? Was his happy life just a dream? Was this a dream?

“Well,” Shane said, patting himself down. “I was dead. I might still be?” 

Ryan felt some of the tension in him melt away. Just a tiny trickle, at the smile that pulled Shane’s face, and he sensed himself smiling back- if only just slightly. He shakily reached out a hand for Shane to touch, to see if he was really real- if he was really solid. Shane saw this, and reached out as well. 

When their hands touched, Ryan felt it, and he was warm. The calloused pads of Shane’s fingers traced over the lines in Ryan’s hand, sending shivers all through him. He stared for a heartbeat or two at Shane, completely speechless. 

“You’re warm...” he said. “You’re alive?” 

Shane didn’t move or response to the question- as if this all was some kind of illusion- as if the wrong movement would shatter it all. Ryan payed that no mind, he had one thing in mind that he wanted to do.

He moved forward and wrapped his arms around Shane’s torso before the other man could protest. Ryan pressed his ear hard against the man’s chest and listened. Against his ear, he heard, without a doubt, a heartbeat. After a moment, he felt Shane’s awkward arms come down around him, and it was like all of those night they shared Ryan’s bed, but this time- Shane wasn’t cloaked in darkness. This time, it was real, and Ryan could hug him back. 

“H-How?” Ryan asked softly, feeling a weird, overwhelming emotion bubble up in him. Confusion, sadness, happiness, and love.

“I don’t know,” he said. “One moment, I was about to toss around your pillows for something to do, the next moment, I could see my reflection in your mirror.”

“You were gonna mess up my bed?” Ryan laughed, but it sounded a little choked, as a few tears ran down his face. 

Shane moved his hand to wipe away the tears.

“Yeah, I’m haunting you after all,” he said, although his voice was softer now, his arms pulling Ryan closer- tighter- “isn’t that what ghosts do?”

“I guess it is.” Ryan said, and closed his eyes. He felt safe. “But you’re not a ghost anymore. What are you gonna do now?”

“Idk,” he muttered. “become a human again?” 

Ryan laughed, Shane joining in, too. “You can stay here if you’d like.”

Shane paused for a moment, before running his hand through Ryan’s hair. “I would like that. No- I would love it.”

-the end(?)-

[just-another-winchester]

Televise your Life

I dont know if televise is a word... yes im a terrible writer for not knowing that. Anyway so I thought of this last night while exhausted and hungry. It seemed like a really fun writing excersize so I wanna try and challenge a couple of my friends to go it. Under the cut are my answers to the questions, you don’t have to answer or write them all, just have fun with it. I hope you do this! I had SO much fun with it actually.

Tagged by: No one. My idea.

Tagging: @waywardbaby @katymacsupernatural @amanda-teaches @impala-dreamer @babypieandwhiskey

No real minimum or maximum to how many you tag, just tag whose show you think you’d watch!

IF YOUR LIFE WERE A TV SHOW

What would the show be titled?

What would be the main plotline?

What genre would it be?

Who are the main characters?

Who are some side/reacurring characters?

Does the show have a lesson? If yes how is that brought out?

How would each episode typically end?

- Write out a couple clips from the show!

Mine is below the cut

If my life were a tv show.

It would be named A Little Perfect On The Side.

It would be about myself and my crush, how he actually does like me the way I think and it shows us having basically the exact same emotions and stresses about talking to one another.

It would be sort of a romantic comedy type show.

The main characters myself and my crush would circulate being friends and good friends, from talking non stop for weeks to saying nothing for just as long.

The close friend Jenny is comedy relief. She is the perky and joyful sister like friend of main character who constantly insists that crush likes her and goes undercover to discover so, but is caught between keeping a promise to both friends not to tell the other they like them.

On the side are Kayla’s two best friends who are never physically shown, but are just as much characters as Kayla or crush.

Katy and Amanda are like her mentors and best friends. Although a silent presence is impossible with them being so far away it is no secret that She always knows that they can be counted on. The conversations between the main character and these two characters is often what leads to the moral of the show, helping me get through daily life and my feelings for crush.

At the end of each episode Kayla reflects her feelings and actions as she reads over her technological conversation with crush, finding it nearly impossible to not smile. She finally shuts off her phone after promising herself that she will tell him soon, that she likes him.

A few clips from the show -

When crush and Kayla first meet.

It was close to halfway through the six hours of her part time job. The store was dead, lanes quiet. The cute young man stood at the end of her lane. Normally boys scared her, but this one didn't. He must've been younger.

Too nervous to actually get to questions she grabbed the fifty from her drawer, knowing she'd need change very soon she simply grabbed it and walked to the end of the isle.

“Hi, could you go grab me some fives and tens?” she asked politely, smiling softly at him.

Her first impression was that he was a kid, 16 at the oldest. He was sweet, and when asked the boy smiled and took the money, saying “yeah” and heading away so she could get back to a customer that just walked through her lane.

The boy brought back the money, she smiled widely and thanked him before going back to her job as she went back to his.

Kayla finally conversates with crush

“So how old are you?” she finally risked, the young man standing at the end of her lane, his hands placed on the edge of the counter as they began to chat.

“18.” he answered

“really? Are you sure?” Kayla said, immediately feeling stupid. That was rude, what the hell?

“yeah, i think I'd know.” he said, his response simple, not even remotely unkind.

“I'm sorry, i thought you were like, 16 or something.” Kayla responded, feeling slightly embarrassed.

“Most people do.” he shrugged at her as a customer walked into her lane.

The last of their shift, both having a 2 - 8 shift, was spent with a sprinkle of customers and Kayla asking stupid small talk questions. What was his favorite food, what was his favorite show, either or situations.

One time he had to go to a different lane to help bag a customers groceries, Kayla hadn't noticed he'd gone and got a customer. She'd checked and bagged the customers groceries, wishing the man a good evening before seeing her crush walk back towards her.

“You abandoned me!” she claimed, raising her arms in faux annoyance

“No I didn't, i just went over there.” he said, pointing to the lane he'd been previously.

“Really, I thought you'd gone to pluto or something.” Kayla smirked softly, viciously rubbing alcohol on her hands out of boredom.

“Pluto is nice this time of year.” the young man acknowledged, a small smile on his face.

His answer didn't allow Kayla to keep a straight face, a grin spread across her face, her laugh soft and quiet, almost under her breath as she chuckled.

Kayla's crush decided to play along with their conversation, sharing attention with her as he awkwardly said with a slight shrug “What's up?”

Kayla smirked, this was her favorite.

“At the moment I imagine probably stars, the sky, the moon… the ceiling/roof for one thing.” she commented, smiling at the young man. “What's down?”

Pulling his clear intelligence he smiled

“Lots of things.” he answered her “The core, dirt-”

“Alright you show off.” Kayla laughed slightly, “Brag about your big brain why don't ya.”

Kayla and crush become facebook friends.

It had been a good day, her crush practically stayed by her side… well, her lane, the entire day. Sure he was doing his job, but he could have stationed himself at another lane.

After her aunt came by and Kayla checked out her groceries Kayla then looked down at the young man with a wide smile “Now you gotta throw those at her!” she said excitedly

“What!?” her crush asked in a shocked voice, utterly confused, however his reaction cause a bubble of emotions to explode as Kayla couldn't contain her laughter, throwing her head back and laughing loudly at his response to her.

Once her aunt left Kayla explained to crush that the customer was her aunt and they poked fun at each other all the time, work or not. Later on in the evening Kayla has to explain the situation to Jenny, as Kayla had been red faced from laughing and blushing, but the store had been so busy they hadn’t had much time to chat.

“So why were you so red earlier?” Jenny asked, Kayla smiled, crush standing just at the end of the lane as she proceeded to recall the conversation to Jenny. Looking down to crush at the end of the lane she reached out her hand to get his attention as she smiled,

“And by the way, that literally made my day, your reaction was so awesome I’m gonna be laughing about that forever.” She informed him, her eyes full of amusement as she grinned.

Finally towards the end of the evening, just an hour before she was to get off and a half hour before he was to be released from work the two were chatting happily, Kayla and her crush once again small talking to get to know one another. The conversation came to her going to overnights and crush looked at her curiously.

“You’re going to overnights?” He asked, Kayla nodded.

“Mhm, it’s more hours, I need as many as I can get right now.”

A customer came through, pausing their conversation. Once the customer had been taken care of and was out the door Kayla’s crush walked closer towards her, up along the lane as he looked at her.

“So… have you got a facebook account?” He asked, making Kayla grin widely.

“I do,” She said, leaning down and resting against the belt on the lane. “Why?”

Her crush shrugged, offering her a smile, “Cause you’re fun to talk to.” He answered.

And that was the moment Kayla allowed herself to REALLY crush on this guy.

[daleisgreat]

Police Story I & II

I am not an ardent fan of martial arts films, but there was a fleeting moment in the mid-to-late 90s where I, and a hearty amount of the rest of America, hopped on the Jackie Chan hype train with his stateside breakout hit, Rumble in the Bronx. I did not go on to watch every single thing Chan did afterwards, but made sure to check out a few of his other hyped pictures in the theaters like the Rush Hour trilogy, Who Am I? and The Tuxedo. I dove into a handful of his pre-stateside hits also and have fond memories of a movie marathon sleepover night at a friend’s where we immensely enjoyed Operation Condor and the Supercop films. I then kind of fell off his films for most of this century as he seemed to pivot more towards family films that were not up my alley, and have neglected him for the most part since. Last year Criterion released a two pack of Chan’s Asian hits with 1985’s Police Story (trailer) and its successor, 1988’s Police Story 2 (trailer). I heard countless praise for these pair of films over the years, but never got around to watching them and decided tracking down this bundle was the perfect way to jump in. Jackie Chan portrays policeman, Chan Ka Kui in both films and the first Police Story has an intense opening scene where Chan’s crime unit goes on an intricate chase through Chinese slums that sees Chan reprimanded for breaking protocol to get his man and is assigned as police protection for a key witness, Selina Fong (Brigitte Lin). An overplayed trope of the first film is Chan being ridiculously arrogant to impress Fong and his girlfriend May (Maggie Cheung). Chan routinely talks himself into a hole and finds himself at the butt of his bragging, but the whole song and dance comes off as pure schlock and parts of the crude humor would not fly in today’s world. These instances are regrettably too frequent, and ultimately mar the first film. There is one comedy scene that did win me over when Chan is attempting to field multiple calls at the police station, but most of his riff raff with May and Selina are major groaners.

Thankfully Chan’s mastery at martial arts helps compensate for the rest of the film. Chan’s meticulously choreographed fight scenes with his acclaimed stunt team are a treasure to consume. The opening and closing fight/chase scenes are the standouts of the first film. Chan goes into hysterics against his fellow officers and runs into a final blowoff fight in the mall that is filled with motorcycles attempting to run Chan over, many flying bodies shattering panels of glass and culminates in a breathtaking stunt for the ages. The stunt has Chan shimmying down a light-bulb infested pole and crashing down onto a platform that is such a gripping moment that the film breaks the fourth wall and replays it two more times from different angles immediately thereafter. It is a great way to make up for the aforementioned comedy. Police Story 2 picks up immediately in the aftermath of the mall fight. Despite Chan saving the day, his police chief is not too happy with the wanton destruction he left in the mall so he gets demoted. Mae is initially thrilled, but soon enough the police rope Chan into helping track down a bomb threat-happy gang causing a ruckus in Hong Kong. The dynamic between Chan and Mae is drastically improved in the sequel. Chan dials back the pretentious-ness and cheesy double entendres exponentially which makes him incredibly more empathetic in his plight to track down the bombers and win back Mae’s heart. There remains an occasional lowbrow toilet humor gag with one of Chan’s superiors having bad bouts of gas throughout the film, but it is nowhere near the distraction as it was before.

About halfway through the film, Chan gets a support team specializing in the latest hi-tech gadgetry to track down the bombers. A few of their investigative and stealth tailing scenes of targets drag down the tempo of the sequel, but it is not that much of a detraction in the grand scheme of things. The bombers naturally kidnap Mae, and compromise Chan to work for them and it all leads to an awesome final fireworks factory fight scene where Chan goes ballistic dueling away with each thug at the factory. Police Story 2 is leagues better than the first film, but surprisingly the bonus second cut of the sequel included in the supplemental material is even better. It is the original Hong Kong release that is about a half hour shorter, and complete with film scratching/tearing defects for authenticity. As much as I like the Criterion Edition of the sequel, I wound up leaning towards the original cut more because it is a snappier watch, and uses alternate footage that helps fill in some minor gaps in the pacing of the Criterion cut. Additionally, the original cut has a different translation of the subtitles that make some of the scenes come across differently and I found myself taking in some scenes with a different perspective. Props to Criterion by the way with their first-in-class restoration work with their HD conversions of both films. Both Criterion cuts on the BluRays have brilliantly restored visuals and audio that stand out tremendously when compared to the original Hong Kong version of the sequel.

Speaking of supplemental material, the Criterion branding lives up to its name once again with the bonuses for both films. In fact I think I enjoyed the extra features for the first Police Story more than that film itself. There is just over an hour long extra titled Jackie Chan: My Stunts that is an excellent deep dive of the fight choreography and what minute details Jackie and his team implements to add that extra ‘oomph’ to the fights in the cinematography. Well worth your time checking out. There are two interviews with movie director, Edgar Wright about his fandom for Jackie Chan, and one of the interviews is with both Chan and Wright which was fascinating to take in. The last of the extras I highly recommend checking out on the first film is King of Kings II which is a 2017 television show excerpt where Chan is reunited with original members of his stunt team that provides some powerful moments with Jackie and his team. Aside from the original Hong Kong cut, the standout bonus of the hour and a half of extras for Police Story 2 is the extra, Reinventing Action. The 21 minute feature dissects how Asian action films from the 1980s like Police Story were a big influence for Western action films and how they helped evolved the genre over the last few decades. Finally there is a foldout poster included with the two pack, but on the flipside of the poster is an essay by Nick Pinkerton that provides a comprehensive look at Jackie Chan’s early ups and downs before finding permanent success with films like Police Story and proceeds to breakdown both of these film’s finer aspects.

I was surprised I found myself so mixed on the first Police Story. Maybe I would have appreciated it more if I was exposed to it in my childhood, but as it stands now the humor drags it down a few pegs. I would recommend instead watching its opening and closing fight/chase scenes. Police Story 2 is well worth your time however, and you cannot go wrong checking out either version of the film included on the Criterion. Finally, for as lackluster as the first film is the bonus materials compensates greatly for it and the complete package all together makes the Criterion two-pack of Police Story and Police Story 2 a worthy recommendation.

Other Random Backlog Movie Blogs 3 12 Angry Men (1957) 12 Rounds 3: Lockdown 21 Jump Street The Accountant Angry Video Game Nerd: The Movie Atari: Game Over The Avengers: Age of Ultron The Avengers: Infinity War Batman: The Dark Knight Rises Batman: The Killing Joke Batman: Mask of the Phantasm Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice Bounty Hunters Cabin in the Woods Captain America: Civil War Captain America: The First Avenger Captain America: The Winter Soldier Christmas Eve Clash of the Titans (1981) Clint Eastwood 11-pack Special The Condemned 2 Countdown Creed I & II Deck the Halls Detroit Rock City Die Hard Dredd The Eliminators The Equalizer Dirty Work Faster Fast and Furious I-VIII Field of Dreams Fight Club The Fighter For Love of the Game Good Will Hunting Gravity Grunt: The Wrestling Movie Guardians of the Galaxy Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2 Hell Comes to Frogtown Hercules: Reborn Hitman I Like to Hurt People Indiana Jones 1-4 Ink The Interrogation Interstellar Jay and Silent Bob Reboot Jobs Joy Ride 1-3 Last Action Hero Major League Man of Steel Man on the Moon Man vs Snake Marine 3-6 Merry Friggin Christmas Metallica: Some Kind of Monster Mortal Kombat Mortal Kombat Legends: Scorpions Revenge National Treasure National Treasure: Book of Secrets Not for Resale Pulp Fiction The Replacements Reservoir Dogs Rocky I-VIII Running Films Part 1 Running Films Part 2 San Andreas ScoobyDoo Wrestlemania Mystery Scott Pilgrim vs the World The Secret Life of Walter Mitty Shoot em Up Slacker Skyscraper Small Town Santa Steve Jobs Source Code Star Trek I-XIII Sully Take Me Home Tonight TMNT The Tooth Fairy 1 & 2 UHF Veronica Mars Vision Quest The War Wild The Wizard Wonder Woman The Wrestler (2008) X-Men: Apocalypse X-Men: Days of Future Past

[alainawriteswwe]

Pride and Prejudice and Wrestling - Part 6

Characters: Seth Rollins x Reader, The gang from Raw

Summary: When a superstar Hollywood actress (The Reader), interacts with WWE Superstar Seth Rollins at Monday Night Raw, sparks fly. Can Rollins overcome his pride and convince the reader to take a chance on him when she’s still recovering from a nasty scandal caused by her cheating fiancé?

Warnings: Lots of flirting, angsty longing and maybe some bad words

Tags: @caramara3

Chapter 6

Three Weeks Later

“Are you sure you don’t want to do the movie? It’s a juicy role and could lead to some nice accolades during award season.”

My publicist Michelle swirled the striped straw in her unsweetened, locally sourced organic iced tea.

Michelle was a gem and a contradiction. She was always stylish but never in a Hollywood way. An older woman, she wore her chic hair in a long bob and took pride in the wide swaths of gray there when everyone was dying their hair blond to desperately keep looking like they were 27. She was a hard smoker but was refraining right now, even though we were in the open air, because I hated the smell.

She would scoff at my calling her motherly but she had been an incredible mentor to me. And, she had gotten me this far in my career in Hollywood. When I came here with $700 bucks in my pocket and no contacts, she had taken a chance on me, seeing something in me a lot of casting directors didn’t at the time. But her long term hunch paid off and she earned her money back in spades, 15% at a time.

“I am happy saying no to offers right now,” I replied, sipping from my Coke. The waitress seemed amazed it wasn’t Diet. “I want a sabbatical. Some time to sort myself out. A few months at most.” We were eating lunch at a swanky New York City hotspot. And by eating lunch, I mean being seen eating lunch at a exclusive spot outdoors in Soho while I pushed a colorfully, exotic salad around my plate.

Wouldn’t Seth laugh at me about this while he ate some healthy meal he carted around the country with him while wrestling. He would probably call my fancy salad, food fit for a rabbit princess. Or I bet he was eating ice cream right now. Asshole. Secretly I was following him on his Instagram, and he wasn’t joking about ice cream being a guilty pleasure for him.

“But this movie stars Michael Fassbender. You always said you wanted to work with him.”

“I know. I just need a break.”

Michelle sighed. It was a passive aggressive sigh. “This is about your fiancé, right? You’re ex-fiancé. You got to get your head out your ass about that and keep moving forward honey. You are embarrassed to be seen out. We are out right now. Eating at this ridiculous restaurant so we can be seen and have paparazzi shots on all the blogs. I mean we could be at my house on the Island, eating juicy steaks.”

I laughed at that. Michelle was an amazing cook. It was something I wanted to learn to do. Maybe I would do it now. I had the time.

I pushed my plate with its exotic micro grain salad away from me. “I told you I don’t need paparazzi declarations of my happiness in photo form. Also, a steak sounds amazing. As does a rest right now.”

Michelle put her hands up in capitulation. “Okay, okay. Well I will hold down the fort until you come back.”

Suddenly I was relieved. I pushed my Coke away.

“I will let the producer know that it’s a no from you.” She tapped at her iPad. “I think that’s it.” She tapped and swiped some more at her tablet. “Last thing I need to do for you is just respond to WWE. They have been insanely persistent.”

I was motioning to the waitress for the check when Michelle spoke and I could have gotten whiplash when I heard the word, “WWE”.

“Wait. What?”

“The wrestling people. They have not stopped calling.”

My heart was hammering at that. My mouth went dry. “Uh, what did they want?” Did that sound casual? Oh God. I was losing it. Be calm. Surely Seth wouldn’t use such a formal way to contact me.

“First, they wanted a coordinated response about the elevator incident and l told them the same thing I told TMZ. No comment. Then they called with a job offer. Can you imagine? You with two Oscars, working for WWE! So I told them ‘no’.

“Oh. Well, maybe we should hear them out.” I sipped my Coke again. I shrugged my shoulders and tried to sound flippant, when I was really shaky and nervous inside. “Just to see what the offer is.”

Michelle gasped. She seemed apoplectic. She was literally clutching the pearl necklace that was draped around her neck in a triple strand. “You turn down a role that could win you a third Oscar but you are interested in a offer from a wrestling company?”

I shrugged again. “Could be fun during my sabbatical.”

Michelle shook her head. “A fun way to destroy your career. You can’t take this offer seriously, hon. You would be laughed out of Hollywood.”

“But it’s something different.”

She narrowed her eyes at me. “Damn it. This is about the elevator guy, isn’t it? He’s a wrestler. What was his name? Shane? Sean?

I rolled my eyes. She knew his name. “Seth. His name is Seth.”

“Yeah, and his dick must be magic if you are thinking about ruining everything you’ve worked for over this job.”

“You don’t even know what the job is? You turned it down without even telling me what it was. Surely they don’t want me to wrestle. Aren’t you curious about what it could be?”

“I don’t bother you with jobs that are a waste of your time,” she answered in a haughty tone.

“But the job might not be a waste of my time. It could be a good distraction.” I paused. “And yes, his dick was magic.”I was joking with Michelle but not really.

Finally Michelle looked impressed and she laughed. “Well that’s something. At least you are getting some dick. I told you that would do wonders after that debacle with that louse you were engaged to. Get back up on the horse and ride it all night and all that.”

“Like you know about all that. I think your wife would take umbrage with you riding other horses, Michelle.”

“Never you mind me and my fabulous love life, my dear. It’s your love life I’m concerned about. And I admit I’m confused. You told me nothing was going on there, with Sean after the elevator incident.”

I bit my lower lip. “Maybe I was wrong there. About … Seth.” More like maybe I couldn’t help touching my hand on the hot stove even though I knew it would burn me.

“Unfinished business?”

Sure. If unfinished business meant constantly thinking about him for three weeks and constantly wondering if I should have left him without a word.

So why was I considering whatever WWE was offering? Because I was hoping it was Seth behind all this. And what would that serve if he was behind it? We couldn’t enjoy anything long term? He wasn’t suited for it with all the cheating in his past. And short term? I was so confused. But I missed Seth. I just wanted the chance to be near him and get to know him better.

I was so lost in my own world I had forgotten Michelle and her question. “Yes. I guess there is something unfinished there,” I finally responded.

“All right, hon.” She covered my hand with hers. “I will set up a meeting.” She looked me in the eye. “I hope he’s worth it.”

I didn’t answer because I didn’t want to think about the answer.

Later that night, Michelle called me to say I had a meeting at WWE HQ in Connecticut to discuss this job proposition and a car would pick me up the next morning. Michelle, in showing her displeasure at the situation could only say that I had a meeting with a guy who had way too many “H”s in his myriad of names. That made me chuckle.

But there was nothing to chuckle about as I made my way into WWE headquarters. It was serious business, with everyone in their corporate attire. I don’t know why I felt there would be people running around power bombing coworkers at the water cooler but I was disappointed that folks there were just as normal and boring as people in any office building in America. At least I didn’t feel out of place in my black slacks and simple silk blouse.

There were some gorgeous replica championship belts on display in the impressive glass encased lobby though and some larger than life photos of the various superstars lining the walls of the hallways. I tried to hide a smile as I passed the life sized picture of Seth on the wall in his shiny black ring gear, hair wet and devious smirk on his handsome face. His hands were clasped together like he was up to no good. The sexy devil. Damn him.

Triple H greeted me warmly in his gigantic corporate office with its lovely view of a manmade lake behind him. Pictures of his kids and of course Stephanie lined his large oak desk.

Despite the hand cut Italian suit, and the charismatic charm of his demeanor, Triple H looked as if he could cast off that corporate veneer and unleash some violence when necessary. Which had been proven at many a PPV and even the most recent Mania against Seth. I know because I watched it. I had been watching a lot of Seth’s old matches recently. It was a poor stand-in for being near the real thing.

“Thank you for meeting me.” His voice was authoritative with just a hint of gravel but it was also charming and welcoming. “And for coming out here to Connecticut. I thought you might hear the pitch better if you see how we operate.”

I put my business mode smile on. “You have a very impressive operation here.”

“Thank you. We are very happy when we achieve our goal of putting smiles on people’s faces.”

I couldn’t help a little smirk. “Yes, and profits in shareholders bank accounts.”

“Exactly. That’s why you’re here.

“You think I can make a profit for WWE? I’m not a wrestler.”

“True. But you do have something we can let’s say, use to our advantage.”

I had to admit I was intrigued here.

“Your hosting Raw was very well received not just here in the States but also around the world. Your movies do extremely well internationally and you have a very loyal fanbase in those countries that the corporation is looking to expand in via our television presence. We thought it might be a good idea to have you be a part of Raw more often. You could be an “in” for new viewers in those countries. They know you and your brand. They would be interested in the show and what you are doing on it. That could expose the WWE brand to more people worldwide. More smiles on people’s faces.”

I took a moment to let all that soak in. Then I channeled Michelle’s skepticism again.

“It could also diminish my brand. My fans could become confused. I’m a actress one day, and on a wrestling show the next. Why should I do this?” Michelle would be happy I was somehow channeling her so much.

Triple H got up and walked around his desk to lean against the front of it. He looked at me intently.

“I like to read people. Figure out how they tick and what works for them. It is a strategy that worked for me in the ring and in business.

“It’s no secret you have had a tough time in the press lately. I think you could use a break from Hollywood. I also heard you ‘clicked’ with many of our Superstars.”

I shook my head, disappointed in this line of conversation. Would he say this if I was a man? I couldn’t disguise the attitude in my voice. “You mean Seth.”

“I meant Sasha and Bayley but sure, Seth too.”

Okay. So I walked into that one. “I’m not saying I would do it but what would this job entail.”

Triple H tried to keep his victorious smile at a minimum.

“Something I think you will enjoy. You’re going to work with Seth. Creative has written a storyline where you are dating. I thought that would be easy for you two to pull off. It would sell better with the audience if you live that in and out of the ring. Travel together. Like a real couple. It would be for a couple months, three at most. All the way through Summer Slam.”

“So I’m what, Seth’s pretend girlfriend and his valet.” I remembered Seth’s harsh words to me that he didn’t need a valet. “I don’t think Seth will go for that.”

“Well why don’t we ask him.”

My heart skipped several beats.

My mouth went dry. “What? Seth. He’s here?”

“Yes. I thought it would be good to talk to you first before we all sat down together to discuss this. That is if you are interested. I don’t want to waste your time.”

Sly, sly man. They called him The Cerebral Assassin for a reason. I didn’t want to play all my cards right away so I tried to sound neutral.

“Sure. Why not, since I’m here and everything.”

Triple H led me through to the adjoining conference room. It was all shiny and modern and reminded me of a Bond villain’s lair. A wall of glass floor to ceiling windows took up one side with a view of the corporate park and the man made lake. Complete with geese.

And then there was Seth. He was standing, looking out the window. His hands shoved in the pants pockets of the immaculate black suit he wore. His hair pulled back in a low man bun. His dark hair seemed just a touch fuzzy at top and just a touch unruly still. Corporate Seth was not as comfortable as Tap Out sweatpants and baseball cap Seth.

He still looked amazing though. Sexy. Powerful. Immediately, I wanted him. My body responding to his presence in the most primal and basic ways, reminding me it had been three weeks since I was in his bed.

I smiled at him but Seth didn’t return that gesture. I swallowed hard. Something was wrong. He looked shocked to see me and just a touch unsure. So unlike himself compared to the cocky, over confident guy I met almost a month ago.

“I don’t think we need introductions. We all know each other,” Triple H announced. He sat at the head of the large conference table. The king on his throne. I sat across from Seth. He seemed a mile away sitting across the wide wooden expanse.

“So, Seth. I asked you to come by HQ today because Creative has a new storyline I think you would be very interested in. It involves this lady here.” Trips motioned to me.

“Now I know you will help me try and convince her to come on board with us and be a part of that storyline and our WWE family.”

“Okay,” Seth responded. He tapped his fingers on the table. “Creative don’t let go of their secrets easily or in advance so it must be big.”

Triple H grinned. “It is big, son.”

I was finally through with waiting. “Okay what are all the details?”

“A championship run for Seth. Multiple titles. And we are going to make our lovely guest here the new General Manager of Raw.”

I couldn’t help laughing out loud at that. If I had been drinking something it would have definitely been a spit take.

I touched my hand to my chest in disbelief. “Me. General Manager of Raw. I have no experience in wrestling. It’s crazy.”

Triple H nodded. “Yes. It’s so crazy it’s brilliant. No one will see that coming.”

I just blinked at the unbelievable news. Was this somehow a prank show? I hated practical jokes. “How? I mean in what world could I become General Manager?”

“Creative will figure out the details. The thing is this. If we have you and Seth date on the show, have that played outside the ring as well, the WWE universe will accept you and you will be over as we say.

“Plus, with you as GM, it will provide some interesting story plots. Part of Seth’s arc recently has been his redeeming himself from his time with me in The Authority where his title opportunities were handed to him. So what happens when it turns out his girlfriend is in charge and can hand him those opportunities again? Does he keep going on his own path as a face doing things the proper way or give in to those old heelish tendencies to take the easier path?”

I had to admit that did sound interesting. Seth, for his part was silent. Absorbing what was said. He was turning all the angles over in his head before he spoke. When he finally did he got to the point.

“Which titles?”

“Tag team with Dean leading into a battle between you two for the Intercontinental. If you win that you will be a Grand Champion. That’s exalted company as you know.”

I didn’t know what a Grand Champion was but Seth seemed to be satisfied. I realized how hard it was for him to be at the top of the company and have it all taken away due to your own body rebelling through injury. To find yourself having to fight your way back up the ladder. New contenders coming in everyday who were also fighting for your spot. It sounded a lot like Hollywood.

“And we have to date?” Seth asked, pointing to me.

Triple H nodded. “Oh yes. It’s integral to the storyline. Like I said, this story needs to stick inside and outside the ring. I think you two can do that. Unless there is a problem I am not aware of. Then we can call the whole thing off.”

Seth was silent again. I didn’t know what to say. What was wrong? Seth was cold, distant. He refused to look at me unless he absolutely had to out of politeness.

I tried to fill the gap of silence. “Well it does sound like a lot of work but I must admit I’m interested.”

Triple H was pleased. “Great. I must ask a really personal question then. You’re not seeing anyone currently? Someone who could blow this storyline up.”

Seth finally looked over at me. Even though he said nothing, I could tell he was interested in my answer.

“No. Maybe you should ask him,” I remarked pointing over to Seth across the conference table.

“I already know his situation. He’s clear. One more question for you my dear and I am afraid its even more personal than my first one. We can’t have you around the ring if you’re pregnant. So you would need to bow out now if that’s the case.”

Seth tilted his head. His eyes now showed expression. Curiosity.

I looked at Seth as I spoke. “No. I am not pregnant.”

Satisfied, Triple H motioned over to a leather folio. He passed it to me. “Inside is the contract. I don’t expect you to sign it right now but you can read it. I will have electronic copies sent to your agent and your legal team.”

I opened the folio. “I have some requirements.”

Seth scoffed but Triple H nodded. “Name them.”

“I get to approve all parts of any storyline I am a part of. I also control what I wear and how I look. My name and likeness will always belong to me.”

Triple H thought about it and then put his hand out for me to shake. “Deal.” He paused a moment. “I like you. You’re tough.”

I must admit I was proud to hear him say that.

“Aren’t you going to ask Seth here if he’s going to do this?”

Triple H looked at me as if this was a crazy question. “Seth is a company man. He will do the storyline. It’s you that has to make the decision if you will be involved and if the storyline goes forward.”

Ok. So no pressure. If I say no, I could stall Seth’s career.

Suddenly Seth spoke up. “Maybe we can have a moment alone, Hunter. To discuss all this.”

With a nod, Triple H left the conference room.

I could have sighed. Finally. Time alone with Seth. I had so many questions for him. Mundane stuff. How was he? Was he excited about the storyline? How should we play it? Whether this love story was going to really go on offscreen as well? Could it? Because if I was honest with myself, I wanted it to. Even if he broke my heart. Which, let’s face it was likely.

There was so much to talk about and this new life on the road would provide the perfect opportunity for all that. I was risking everything for this opportunity, but nothing in life is ever gained without risk.

I opened my mouth to start to put some of my jumbled thoughts into words when Seth cut me off with a wave of his hand.

“Look Princess, don’t say yes to this job if you’re not going to take it seriously. If you’re gonna leave in the middle of the storyline’s run because you can’t handle it or how grueling life is on the road. You need to tell Hunter ‘no’ right now.

“You have to make a lot of sacrifices in WWE. Something I’m sure you are not used to in Hollywood where your every want is spoon fed to you. There are no personal assistants on the road. You carry your own luggage. You take care of yourself and the people you are working with.”

The balloon of thoughts and hopes where Seth was concerned popped. How could he say this of me? I worked as hard as anyone on the set of my movies. I had a assistant but I could damn well live my life without him doing everything for me.

I crossed my arms over my chest in my seat, ready for a fight. Bring it on Kingslayer. “You don’t think I will work hard?”

He laughed. That horrible hyena laugh of his. “Princess, I know you are going to run when the going gets tough. That’s what you do isn’t it. I bet you think all this is a joke.”

He waved his arm around the room.

“Wrestling is as serious an art as your precious acting. I’ve dedicated my entire life to it. Twelve years I’ve thrown my body around in the ring to get to where I am today. I won’t have that ruined because you run out on all of us and this storyline. I won’t have you disappoint Hunter that way either. He doesn’t know what you’re like. I do.”

Each word, each accusation from his gorgeous pursed lips was a poison arrow to my body. My heart stammered in my chest. I had to drag myself to pull in air to breathe as I started to hyperventilate. This was a different Seth than the one I left in Miami.

I got up from my seat and went to his side of the table where he was still seated. The wall of glass behind him.

“Why are you being like this Seth? What exactly have I done to you? Spell it out.”

“I just see you for what you are. It took awhile. Too bad I didn’t see it sooner.”

Soon the penny dropped and I was furious once I made the connection. “You’re mad because you think I rejected you in Miami. Why? Because in your playboy mind you didn’t get to kick a clinging Hollywood starlet from your bed? And now your preciously fragile male ego can’t take it.”

I shook my head. Of course this was the outcome. Why should I believe I would ever have anything different where men and I were concerned. Seth was just living up to his reputation as a player now.

“I bet you still told it that way to your friends when you bragged about bedding me. I bet you told them I begged you to stay before you firmly put me out of your hotel room, like some discarded room service tray.”

I was so pissed off I could feel the energy of my anger shimmer through me. Growing in waves. I walked over to the window. Away from Seth so I couldn’t do him in with violence. How dare he be mad at me.

“Always the playboy aren’t you Seth. I should have listened to Finn. He warned me about you.”

That got a rise from Seth. Literally. He got up from his seat and stood in front of me at the window. He narrowed his eyes at me. His mouth a grim line. “Don’t you dare mention his name and compare him to me.”

I poked him in that solidly muscular chest of his. “Well too bad. Besides, you need to learn the lesson that everything isn’t about you, Seth. Even though you desperately want to ‘believe that’. Well, I don’t need you. You’re not some irresistible adonis.”

That is a damned lie, my body screamed as it responded to his sexual power on display just a touch in front of me, even as the words fell from my mouth.

I poked him in the chest again. Harder this time. “I don’t need you as a friend and I don’t need you in my bed.” Another god damn lie. “That’s something you should remember while we act out this farce for the cameras and the WWE universe.”

Seth was silent a moment. The smug, cocky grin on his face growing rapidly. “I don’t need a fuck buddy, Princess. I’ve got plenty of those in my phone’s contacts. All we have to do is try to be civil, try not to embarrass each other and stick to the storyline even outside the ring. That’s it.”

He paused before looking me up and down and shaking his head as if he was disgusted by what he saw.

“And you don’t have to worry about me making advances at you. You made it quite clear you had no desire to continue what started in Miami.”

He almost snorted in disgust. “You’re a Hollywood Princess.” He choked out the last word as if he didn’t even want it to pass his lips. “It’s quite a come down to find yourself waking up in bed next to what you considered a mere Iowa farm boy.”

I shook my head at that. “Seth stop.”

Something about these words seemed worse than his earlier taunts. They were twisting the knife he had already buried in my heart earlier. I was doing well in hiding my emotions but now the tears that were threatening to escape my eyes were very close to achieving their goal. And I would rather cut off my arm than have him see me wipe them away.

“No!” He answered defiantly, his voice grave. “You’re gonna hear what I have to say, Princess.”

“Okay Seth. So you want to do this now, do you? In this cold sterile conference room with a view of a fake corporate lake and people eating lunch on little picnic tables below us.”

Seth didn’t seem to care. “We don’t have to do anything. We are not going to do anything. We’re going to stick to the script and do what we are told. If Creative says I have to kiss you in public then I am going to pucker up with a smile and bear it the best I can because there is a title at stake, man. That is the only thing that matters here. The only thing that matters to me.” There was nothing I could say to that. How could I counter his accusations when my only defense was something I could never tell him. Would never tell him after realizing how he felt about me just now.

That what we shared in Miami was more than just sex. That I knew I was losing my heart to him that very morning, after only one night, and I was terrified of being hurt.

But I was also being hurt now. Being near Seth, knowing that he hated me was killing me. All that bravado and ego he displayed inside the ring and out just masked a deep insecurity in him. I realized that now as he lashed out at me verbally. It made sense that he was always striving to prove himself, to be The Man. The Champ. To draw in all that energy from the WWE universe where they loved him or loved to hate him.

I wanted to reach out to him. To touch him. Wrap my arms around that muscular chest of his and hug him tight. I hurt him by leaving him without a word that morning in Miami, and I hated myself for that. But at that moment, after our wonderful night together, protecting my heart was key after my cheating fiancé.

Seth had been a cheating fiancé. I didn’t want to have him tell me it would be different with me this time. Only to find him awkwardly sexting some new girl from NXT or some beautiful WWE groupie who was hoping for a come up.

How could I just minutes ago have thought we could make this work and have a relationship? A real relationship. I must have been crazy.

And now we were going to pretend to be a couple for the cameras. Travel together, all the while pretending to be madly in love for three months . It would kill me.

But I realized in that moment that I had to do it. I understood how much Seth wanted that title shot. Just like how I desperately wanted a Oscar when I came to Hollywood. Winning two didn’t diminish that desire in me. It actually made me hungrier for it.

I understood how much Seth needed that title for his career and I would sacrifice some of my lauded Hollywood actress reputation to get that for him even though he hated me. I wanted him to have that success he worked so hard for and that was cruelly taken away after so many injuries.

That was love wasn’t it? That word I tried to banish but could not with Seth. Pretending to hate him and trying not to fall for him further would be the hardest acting role I ever had.

I couldn’t look at him when I spoke so I turned and looked out at the geese roaming the corporate park below us. “Right. Message received, Rollins. You want a pretend girlfriend then you got it, Seth. I will batt my eyelashes at you and hang off your arm and look up at you as if you set the moon and the stars for me. People will be envious of how much it looks like I love you.” Because I do love you. And you’re breaking my heart right now.

“They will think we are the luckiest couple in the world. And you will win that title Seth. Then maybe once you do, you can turn heel and ‘cheat’ on me with someone in the women’s division and that will end our storyline. And then you will be free of me.”

I could feel the heat of Seth’s gaze upon me but when I turned my attention to him, his normally expressive eyes seemed inscrutable. It was almost like he was looking through me.

“I know you hate me Seth. You have your reasons. I won’t argue that. I wounded your ego and hurt your pride in Miami but let’s just try and get through this okay.”

I turned to walk out the room but Seth stopped me. His hand snaked out to grab my hand. Not hard. His fingers just encircled my wrist. His thumb gently stroked my pulse. Inwardly I sighed. A natural reaction. Each touch was sheer heaven.

Seth’s voice was low, serious. “Why are you doing this? Joining Raw? You don’t have to do it. What’s in it for you?”

His face searched mine for an answer, there was something oddly hopeful in his dark eyes.

I couldn’t give him the truth. My truth. That would be my secret, always. So I lied. “For the publicity of course.”

His hand fell away. He didn’t have to say a word for me to feel his disgust.

–