#elf is a douche

[chancellor-reno5]

Nanbaka Ramble incoming

Enki deserved better. The way that the murder wasn't his fault, it was instead Elf's. He lost a brother because of Elf. He lost his job because of Elf.

He ripped his own heart out because of Elf.

If someone had realised it was Elf the whole time, Enki would've lived

And why did it have to be Samon that found his body?

Ramble over (I may have gotten some bits mixed up but heyho !)

[whiteladyofithilien]

I think my main reason for shipping Caranthir and Haleth is because we need at least one inter-race Tolkien couple where the human is a woman. Like all three canon human-elven pairings it's always the fabulous fae elven beauty and the heroic dude and I'm like... What about a mighty elf-lord and his badass human lady? Hmm? I need this to be a thing and Haleth/Caranthir is the only ship I know of that has that dynamic going for it plus of the middle three sons of Feanor Caranthir is the only one NOT part of the attacks on Luthien... therefore he's the best of those 3

[ach-sss-no]

if jump off cliff make me die, why cliff is such good shortcut? why cliff so beautiful and pleasant? why cliff is so wonderful?

[oldheadbanger63]

[thechaoticdruid]

[This Bites] (3)

Pairing: Astarion x F! Chubby MC

Content/Warnings: Sexual humor, suggestive content, animal death, blood, slight angst, no Brian yay!, Winnie freaking out again, fluff,

Quick summary: Winnie gets Star out of the house after being cooped up since his arrival. Vampire hijinks ensue.

Chapter Two: Go Back

Chapter Three: Stay here.

Chapter Four: Lets fucking goooo!

Check out this silly recreation of the chapter in The Sims I did.

•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

Hiding a secret pet from your parents was stressful enough, but hiding a whole grown ass man in your room would likely be a thousand times as nerve wracking.  Especially with a step douche who had a habit of barging into the room. Luckily for Winnie, her stepfather was never a quiet man, always stomping along the floor in thick combat boots. And her current stowaway was very perceptive. That still didn't cover all her issues. Winnie had searched all over Nexus Mods for that damn cheat mod she downloaded but could not find it again. It was as if the creator deleted it just after Astarion got out. To make matters worse the vampire was likely starting to get hungry. He'd been gazing at her more and more longingly each day since his escape from the computer. She'd need a way for feeding her guest which didn't involve anyone getting sucked flat like a caprisun. Of course she thought about offering him her own blood, but the idea honestly made her uneasy. In fantasy it was very appealing, having an extremely attractive and alluring man suck on your neck, what's not to like? There was the whole sharp teeth tearing into your flesh aspect, but in fantasy there was no pain, no need to worry about death. Just sweet sweet blissful fantasy. But that was not the case now.  In reality if Astarion were to sink his fangs into her neck he wouldn't need to drink all her blood to kill her. She'd probably bleed out from her jugular being punctured alone. 

Winnie stared over at him as he peeked out the window. Night had fallen and he didn't need to worry about the sun. At least not for a while. 

Winnie sighed, “I have no idea how I'm going to feed you if I'm honest.” 

“Since you're so keen on protecting our dear friend Brian I suppose that leaves me with having to go out and hunt for my next meal, well unless you'd be generous enough to offer me your lovely neck.” 

“I don't think that's a good idea, but I guess my arm might be okay…” Winnie lifted up her arm to look at it. 

“You love to take the fun out of things don’t you? But alright, I'm not about to turn down a willing meal.” Astarion's pupils practically dilated at the sight of the veins on Winnie’s arm. His mouth watering at the thought of her warm blood coating his throat and he couldn't help but lick his lips.

“Hold on! I didn't mean right this second!” Winnie hid her arm behind her back, her cheeks turning red at the hungry look he was giving her. 

“Such a tease.” Astarion huffed and crossed his arms.

“I had some things planned for tonight and I can't do them if my head is spinning from blood loss.”  Winnie said before searching through her closet.

She pulled out a large duffle bag and began to unzip it. Inside were some hoodies and other clothing. Grey and black T-shirts, some jeans and a pair of sneakers. “Here, these were my brother's, they’ll probably fit you.” Winnie said before tossing the bag onto the bed.

Astarion made a disgusted sound.

“These are so tasteless and drab!” 

“We’ll get you something more suitable to your tastes later. For now you need to be able to blend in.” Winnie explained. Astarion muttered something under his breath before he started removing his purple doublet and exposing his pale muscular chest. He was so perfect, so flawless. Winnie’s brain honestly turned off for a moment as the elf then proceeded to slide down his pants. Her eyes nearly entranced by a certain large shape in his drawers, her face turning bright red. 

“My eyes are up here, darling.~”Astarion purred, voice husky and soft. 

“A-Ah sorry! I should….” Winnie sputtered before scrambling off into the connecting bathroom. Astarion chuckled a bit, watching the flustered female dash out of the room. He couldn't help but find her rather adorable.  Winnie stood in the bathroom for a few moments, heart pounding as she pressed her back against the door. 

Oh God, why didn't I walk out sooner!?

“You can come out now, my dear.” Eventually Astarion's voice broke her from her thoughts. The human girl let out an exasperated sigh before opening the door and heading back in. The clothes were a little tight around his body, making his muscles quite visible through the light gray tee.  Winnie quickly grabbed a black hoodie and handed it to him. “Here, put this on.” She said, watching him slide the jacket on. Winnie zipped it up for him before leaning up on her tiptoes and  pulling the hood over his head.

“Hey! My hair!” He whined.

“I'll fix it for you later. Right now I don't want anyone gawking over your ears.”

“Why would anyone be doing that?” 

“Ah, right. You see, in this world there are no elves, no magic, no vampires….Just humans really.” Winnie rubbed the back of her head. 

“Really? Gods, how dull. Not that I mind being the only vampire around. That actually sounds rather delightful.” Astarion smirked a bit. 

“Please don't get in any world domination ideas. Just because there aren't any vampires doesn't mean there aren't people who can tear you a new one.” Winnie sighed before peeking out the door into the hall. “Okay, they're asleep. Now come on.” Winnie said quietly.

“Where are we going?” Astarion whispered, slowly following Winnie as they tiptoed out of the house. 

“We're heading out to town. It's probably a good idea for you to get acquainted with the area just in  case something bad happens.” Winnie explained, “plus I feel bad about keeping you locked up in my room for days.” She then took out her cellphone and shook it, causing the flashlight to turn on.

“I thought you said, you didn't have magic here.” 

“We don't. This my fanged friend is technology. It’s a machine mostly for talking to people far away, but also does a bunch of other stuff.” Winnie used her phone to navigate in the dark as they began walking down across her driveway. Winnie’s neighborhood was quiet, each of the houses were fairly spaced out with plenty of trees and brush littering the terrain.  Parked in the yard near her family’s cars was a purple motorcycle. 

“Oh, and this is my trusty steed! Or well it's basically my personal source of transportation. Think of it like a horse but made of metal. To make it even better this won't decide to turn around and bite you!” Winnie said with a smile.

“As wonderful as that sounds. I'm not quite sure about climbing onto some strange metal contraption.” 

“Well…If you'd rather walk….” Winnie said in a sing-songy tone, putting her phone into her pocket.

“Nevermind! Let's go!” 

Winnie climbed on the bike, her hands gripping the handles as she glanced over at Astarion. He looked the vehicle over curiously, nearly jumping up in the air when the girl turned on the engine. 

“Come on!” Winnie said.  Hesitantly he climbed on and immediately clung to Winnie, arms wrapped around her plush waist. 

“Oh, this is rather intimate.~” Astarion took the opportunity to nuzzle his face into her neck, growing a bit more comfortable as he held onto her soft form. Winnie immediately turned bright red, a shiver going down her spine.  She didn't really think this through did she? 

Focus! Do not let the incredibly sexy vampire elf hugging your back cause you to have a crash! 

We are not dying because of horniniess goddamnit!

Winnie mentally scolded herself as she drove off. Not that she disliked his attentions, mind you. She was just very easily flustered, never having been in any kind of romantic relationship, physical or otherwise.  Astarion sighed into her neck, The smell of lavender and cherry blossoms mixed with the delectable scent of her blood was absolutely heavenly.  It took all he had to resist the urge to sink his fangs into her neck and gorge himself on her blood.

Winnie kept her eyes on the road, the headlights of her motorcycle illuminated the street as they zoomed down it.  There weren't too many cars on the road so Winnie could be thankful for that. 

They rode away from the suburbs where Winnie’s home resided, eventually until coming towards a small shop just outside of the city. A large sign that read ‘CornerStore’ sat atop the building and illuminated the parking lot.

“This is where I work.” Winnie said as she turned into the parking lot. She parked up front in her usual spot before turning off the engine and hopping off. 

“Well this seems like a cozy little shop.” Astarion said, getting off. “What exactly could you precure here?” 

“Mostly snacks. Some hygiene products and other things. Just stuff you need around your home really.” Winnie said, leaning up on her toes to fix his hoodie before leading him inside. 

Winnie looked around the shop, thinking about anything she could get which would be useful for her new guest to have in the future. She couldn't get too much however. She only had so much room in the little trunk she had on her motorcycle. 

Bandages would be a good idea, shampoo…. Though he'd likely complain if it was some kind of cheap smelling stuff….

Astarion looked over Winnie as she scanned around the store. His tongue flicked over his fangs as he couldn't help but stare at her jugular. The gnawing pain in his stomach was crying out, demanding to be sated. He backed up as Winnie became engrossed in the products that decorated the shelves. Out of the corner of his eye he noticed a small creature outside the shop. Almost cat-like, but with a longer snout, a ringed tail and tiny black hands.  The creature appeared to be picking around in the trash outside. Not his first choice, but it had to at least be better than a rat.

Winnie kept looking through some hygiene products, wondering what her fanged friend would need when suddenly she heard what sounded like an angry raccoon. She quickly whipped her head around, heart nearly stopping when she noticed Astarion was gone. 

Quickly she rushed outside and glanced over to see a dead raccoon fall to the ground. Astarion stood over it, blood dripping down his chin. 

“Are you fucking kidding me!?” Winnie whisper-shouted. 

“I was hungry…” Astarion shrugged, looking at her with round innocent eyes, mouth still covered in blood. Winnie grimaced, kicking the dead raccoon off to the side and out of sight before grabbing hold of Astarion and dragging him off. She pulled him into the store before making a beeline for the bathroom. She dragged him inside and slammed the door. 

The young woman pinched the bride of her nose, on the verge of tearing her hair out.  

“Please…Just please….Can you not do any vampire shit out where people can see you!?” Winnie said.

“No one was even around to see me. Sweetie, you worry far too much.” Astarion said, making a sassy hand gesture. Winnie crossed her arms and huffed, her eyebrow twitching.  She turned before grabbing some paper towels and wetting them. 

“You have to understand.” Winnie said calmly, “if people find out you're a vampire they'll probably try to kill you or worse cut you open and try to find out what makes you tick. Just please be careful.” She wiped the blood off his face before crumbling up the towels and burying them in the bottom of the trashcan. Astarion crossed his arms and stepped closer to her.

“I am a master of stealth, my dear. And if you expect me to just wait about for my next meal while you flaunt around that delicious neck of yours, I might not be able to control myself for long.” He said, running a clawed finger over her jugular making her shiver. His voice was playful, a bit flirty even, but the warning was still very clear. If she kept him waiting for too long he might not even be able to think before taking a bite out of her. 

“I promise I'll figure out a way to feed you, just give me time…Please.” 

“Oh alright, but only because you're so sweet.” He tapped her nose playfully. “And that little snack should keep me sated for now, ahaha.” 

Winnie washed her hands before leaving the bathroom to continue looking around for some supplies. Astarion followed after her, red eyes inspecting the isles with interest. Some of the objects looked familiar, but somehow still foreign.

A couple of times he'd ask Winnie what something was, and she'd do her best to explain, but sometimes it was difficult. Especially with some technological items that Winnie herself wasn't even completely educated on. 

She picked up a few things she deemed would be useful for hosting her guest, bandages, hygienic stuff and a burner phone. Winnie was about to go pay for the items when she froze, eyes widening in fear. Shit. Becca was working tonight. 

“Darling, are you alright?” The vampire’s voice was gentle. Astarion noticed Winnie’s fear and placed a hand on her shoulder before looking over to what had her tense. At the cash register was a tall skinny woman with long red hair, round red glasses and a face full of freckles. There was a black visor around her neck with a name tag attached along with several different round pins, most notable ones being a colorful pin with a pattern of pink and blue with a purple line in between and a second pin with what looked like a mind flayer on it. She wore a casual blue dress and didn't look the least but intimidating so Astarion was rather puzzled as to what had Winnie's heart pounding so wildly.

Becca was probably the closest thing Winnie had to a friend these days, considering practically all her peers from high school had ran off to start their own lives (the fucking plebs) and the two were able to bond a bit over a common interest in video games. See where this is going? Becca was a gamer. A rather devoted gamer who was always quick to snatch up any of the hot new triple A releases.  Winnie turned back to look at Astarion before quietly whispering, “when we go up to the counter do not say a word, okay?”

“Why?” Astarion asked.

“I'll explain it later, just stay quiet please.” She said before the two walked up to the register. Becca glanced up from the magazine she was looking over and smiled. Astarion held the small of Winnie’s back and stayed close to her. He was still not sure why Winnie was so frightened of this very simple looking woman. Though looks could be deceiving. She could be some kind of shapeshifter in disguise! 

“Winnie! I didn't think you'd be stopping by tonight.” Becca said in a cheerful tone. 

“Hey Becca!” Winnie greeted in a tone as perky as she could muster. “I…Just needed to pick up a few things I was running low on.” She said handing over the items. Becca’s blue eyes looked over Winnie’s face as she scanned the supplies.

She noticed her nervousness, but didn't seem too concerned. Winnie was known to get anxious quite easily. But then she noticed the male standing next to her and hummed. Becca noticed the white curls peeking out from under the hoodie he wore and took a long look at his very pretty face. He seemed very familiar, but she couldn't for the life of herself figure out why. 

“Winnie,” She spoke up in a playful tone, “is this your boyfriend? He is cute.” Becca teased with a wink. Astarion couldn't help but chuckle a bit.

“A-Ah! N-No! We're just friends!” Winnie said, getting very embarrassed. Astarion suddenly snapped his head towards her, a bit shocked at her words.

WHAT?!

Winnie ignored him the questioning looks he was giving her. She leaned over towards Becca. “I'm just helping him out. He's really really shy….” Winnie muttered to her. Astarion stood there arms crossed as he glared at Winnie slightly, eyebrow twitching.

“Oh, okay.” Becca responded, scanning and bagging up Winnie’s things. “That'll be 29.50.” 

Winnie paid for the supplies before walking out, Astarion stomping after her. She put the bags into the trunk of her motorcycle before she finally acknowledged his glaring.

“What?” She asked.

“Just friends? After everything we've been through, you and I are just friends?!” Astarion almost hissed out, but his tone sounded far more hurt than angry. 

“We literally just met a few days ago.” Winnie said, a bit confused. She backed up a bit, flinching at his tone.

“I wasn't lying when I said I fell in love with you over and over! I..I…Did something happen? Do you not like me anymore?” His voice sounded a bit hoarse. Winnie’s heart shattered as she noticed he looked like he was on the verge of tears. 

“Astarion…” She said softly before approaching him. “I do like you. I like you a lot, but you don't really know me ... .The person in the game, the brave strong beautiful adventurer. That's not me.” 

Astarion huffed, trying to blink away the glassiness of his eyes. 

“I fell in love with the sweet person who saved me, nothing else matters!” He took her hands in his. “Please…I want to be with you…” 

“Honey, you don't even know my birthday.” Winnie said with a sad smile. “And I….I'm really not sure. I know everything was probably quite real for you, but to me it was like I was just a spectator. Someone enjoying a good story. Hell I've never even kissed anyone in real life so the idea of jumping into a serious relationship out of nowhere is honestly terrifying…” Winnie said and looked off to the side. The silver haired male took a moment to regain his composure, wiping one of his eyes.

Winnie thought for a moment before looking back at him and gently squeezed his hands.

“Look, I don't have a lot of experience in this, but maybe we could start over? I could court you, maybe?” 

“Oh….Y-Yes…Yes that would make me very…happy…” The vampire blinked away his tears before mustering up a smile. Winnie released his hands, before hesitantly moving in closer. She thought about going in for a hug before she noticed him lean closer, lips puckered. 

Quickly she stopped his mouth with her index finger. 

“I'm…Not ready for that just yet…” She said with a sad smile as he pulled back. 

“Of course, apologies…I misunderstood.” He said feeling a bit embarrassed. Winnie quickly decided to just pull close for a hug before anything else happened. Astarion relaxed a bit, taking comfort in her embrace, and quickly wrapping his arms around her. It was difficult. His relationship had now practically been set back to stage one. 

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

After Astarion had calmed down and the two of them left the Corner Store. Winnie decided to keep her word about beginning a courtship with her flamboyantly fanged friend.  The night was still young and a date was the perfect excuse for Winnie to stop somewhere to look for something edible to sate her own hunger. Unfortunately there was little the pale elf could enjoy at such establishments, but Winnie did have one idea. 

Astarion looked over Winnie’s shoulder, his eyes widened in awe at the bright lights of the city. It was rather beautiful, making the night much more pleasant and allowing him to see so much more color than he usually would at this time.

Winnie eventually stopped, bringing the motorcycle to a halt as they arrived at a large pleasant smelling building. The air was filled with the scent of meat and other savory dishes. 

Winnie got off the bike before quickly adjusting the hood on Astarion's head, making sure his ears were not visible.  Winnie then took her vampiric companion inside before ordering a table for the two.  She sat across from him in a booth, looking down at her hands shyly. 

“I know it might be hard to believe with my charms and devastatingly good looks, but I've actually never been on a date before, not a real one anyway.” Astarion chuckled a bit.

“What about before you were turned? Surely you'd have been on a date then?” Winnie frowned.

“Perhaps, but I can't exactly remember much from before. It might as well not have happened.” He sighed, looking off as a waitress walked towards the table. She was rather beautiful, long blonde hair, blue eyes, a waspy waist and thick curves in all the right places. 

“What can I get you both?”  She asked. 

“Oh, something full bodied and red.”  Astarion said and looked back at Winnie. 

“Red wine and a pinjacolada please.” Winnie said as she glanced up at the waitress, eyes staring enviously at her nearly perfect bodice. 

“Ah and some fried chicken fingers, and um….Can you get maybe get us an extremely rare steak?” Winnie asked feeling a bit clumsy and embarrassed about how her last line was worded. 

“An extremely rare steak?” The waiter looked at Winnie like she had grown a second head. 

“I don't know if we're allowed to-”

“Be a dear, and fetch me something as bloody as possible won't you beautiful?” Astarion turned towards the waitress, his tone dripping with charm, his ruby red eyes almost hypnotic as he gave her a flirtatious wink.

The waitress’s face turned bright red. 

“Y-Yes! Yes of course!” She sputtered, a giddy grin spreading across her face. Winnie felt a twinge a jealousy shoot through her. She understood why he did that, but it didn't make it feel any better. The pudgy female took out her cellphone as Astarion began to ramble on about something. Something about how dull all of the people here seemed, and how abhorrent their attires were.

Winnie began looking on Tumblr, noticing a notification about TheRespectfulBard posting a new BG3 fanfiction. Though something else caught Winnie's eye as she skimmed through the Bard’s blog.  Apparently the bard was also looking for a mod that had been recently removed from the Nexus Mod page. However the modification they were looking for happened to be a mod that added a few new overpowered attacks to the game. Winnie quickly looked through the comments and reblogs to find someone saying the mod was made by a user named ShadowMommy69. 

Oh God…….It was made by a simp…..

“Winnie? Winnie? Are you even listening to me!?” Astarion spoke up, sounding a bit annoyed.

“Ah! Sorry…I got a bit distracted….” Winnie hearted TheRespectfulBard’s post before putting her phone in her pocket. 

“Honestly darling if you can't pay attention I might have to find a way to punish you.~” He teased, his hand reaching over to hold hers from across the table.

“Oh shut up.” Winnie rolled her eyes with a grin, her cheeks burning up. Astarion was just eating up all of Winnie’s overly flustered reactions. They were honestly all too cute. He looked at her with soft round eyes, wanting nothing more to plant kisses all over her pudgy little face. 

“I've got your order!” The waitress from before brought in their food and drinks. Her hips swayed as she strutted over and set them down on the table. Blue eyes roamed over Astarion’s face and body, though he didn't seem particularly interested. The smell of blood from the meat hit him like a truck, making his mouth water. Winnie immediately began to nibble on her chicken, but her eyes were glued on that woman. 

“I hope you both enjoy…. Especially you.~” The blonde said, seductively running a finger over Astarion's chest, making him stiffen.

“Um lady he doesn't like to be touch-” Winnie tried to object, though her mouse like voice was completely ignored.

“I'm getting off at ten just so you know.” She winked at him before wandering off. Winnie glared at her strutting form.

“Creepy bitch…” She muttered under her breath. That skank was so not getting a tip. Astarion cleared his throat before dusting off the front of his jacket, acting as if the waitress had got him dirty.  

“Well, now that that's over. I think I have something to attend to.” His looked down at the streak which was practically dripping with blood. 

Winnie bit her lip. She wouldn't lie. This was a bit gross. 

Winnie grabbed her drink, slowly sucking it down as she attempted to ignore the vampire in front of her, cutting up the steak and sucking the blood off. She couldn't imagine what was probably going through the head of any on lookers.

“Oh my God he is so fucking hot.” Winnie’s ears perked up at the waitress’s voice as she gossiped with her friends.

“Who's girl with him? Think they're together?” 

“Fuck no! Have you seen her? Probably his sister or something.” 

Winnie rolled her eyes and glanced back at her food. She didn't really feel very hungry anymore. She looked down at her stomach. The round, plumpness of it made her feel so disgusting. It wouldn't be long before Astarion realized he had more options. Better looking options.

“Are you alright my sweet?” Astarion's concerned voice brought her gaze back up. 

“I'm fine I guess…A bit tired if I'm honest…” She said tapping her fingernails to the table. 

“Well then, perhaps we should get you home so you can get your beauty rest hm? Not that you need it of course! You're already the most beautiful person here.” The elf said sweetly.  

“Yeah, let's go.” Winnie nodded, the two left their table and Winnie payed for the food at the register. She side eyes the waitress from before who was still gossiping with her friends. Winnie turned ready to head out the doors before she was suddenly snatched up by Astarion.

“I just want you to know once we get home. I am going to make you scream my name.” He said, his husky voice purposely raised loud enough for everyone to hear.  Winnie immediately buried her embarrassed face into his neck. Despite being ready to faint she also couldn't help but let out a series of giggles at his bluntness.

The waitress from before looked over with a shocked and frankly pissed expression. The vampire smirked slightly before tugging Winnie outside.

It was around eleven o'clock when they arrived back home. Winnie got off her bike with a yawn before looking over at Astarion who's hood had once again fallen off due to the motorcycle ride. 

Since they were home though, she saw no point in fixing it again.  

“I think that was an absolutely delightful first date, my love.” Astarion said as the two walked over towards the front door. “Don't you agree?” 

“Shit.” Winnie stopped in her tracks.

“Oh come on! It wasn't that bad! Actually I don't think it was bad at all!” Astarion crossed his arms with a scoff.

“No! Shit!” She pointed at the front door which was cracked open about two feet. 

“Oh, oh dear.” The vampire exclaimed before his companion rushed inside. He quickly followed after her as she zoomed into her bedroom. 

“Maddie!? Maddie!” She called looking under the bed and in her closet before checking the bathoom. Astarion went into the bedroom and inhaled, trying to pinpoint the scent of the sweet little kitten’s blood. Was it nearby? However, his red orbs suddenly shot open at the echo of barking coming from outside. 

“Maddie!” Winnie cried in fear. 

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

Note from The ChaoticDruid: Been so hyped to get this chapter out! We have a lead on who caused Astarion to suddenly become sentient and it looks like a Shadowheart lover lol. A Shadowheart simp if you will! Also I know a lot of people would probably think Winnie's crazy for not wanting to jump right into a serious romance with Astarion, but I just feel like there are some things we'd love to fantasize about, but might not be too sure about in real life. Besides the girl is very romantically awkward. If anyone has any ideas on how to hide Astarion's ears better I'm open to suggestions, oh and PLEASE tell me what you think of the chapter! I love hearing all the comments about stuff, really makes my day.

Also fuck, Maddie's in danger! Somebody do something!

Taglist: @astarioffsimpmain , @iamsexytrash , @tiedyedghoulette , @hp-art-studio , @gaymistakeboi @the-disaster-in-waiting

[hrefna-the-raven]

Christmas spirit

Masterlist - DBH masterlist

Words: 710

There was something about Gavin that always intrigued you. Maybe it was his moody brooding demeanour, or perhaps it was the enigma that shrouded his true thoughts. Whatever it was, you couldn't help but be drawn to the douche detective. And now, as the holiday season approached, you were determined to bring a little Christmas cheer into his life, even if it meant facing his middlefinger flipping side. Gavin hated each day with equal passion but you were almost sure that he despised this time of the year even more. He never revealed the reasons behind his disdain, but his scowls and harsher sarcastic comments around this time of the year spoke volumes. Still, you couldn't let his bitterness stop you from enjoying the Christmas market that had just opened downtown and you were determined that you needed Detective Douche by your side to do so. Besides you had your very own ways of making it up to him later on at home and you were determined to bring a smile on his face.

As night fell and the city lights twinkled, you convinced Gavin to accompany you after his shift. You promised it would be a quick visit, assuring him that you'd make it up to him later which earned you an annoyed huff but you also noticed the mischievous spark in his eyes. Reluctantly and with a lot of his usual drama, he finally agreed.

Stepping into the market, the air was filled with the scent of freshly baked pastries, the sound of laughter and Christmas music. The stalls were adorned with colourful lights and decorations, casting a warm glow on the surrounding snow. It truly was a sight to behold and the atmosphere was filled with a hint of magic in the air.

You weaved through the crowd, dragging an annoyed Gavin along with you. You stopped at each stall, pointing out the unique trinkets and tasty treats. Gavin couldn't help but raise an eyebrow at the silly Christmas hats you insisted on trying on, praying to every god he could think of that you wouldn't want him to try them on as well. Despite his grumpiness, a small, almost hidden, smirk tugged at the corner of his lips. He would never admit it, but seeing your glowing smile while wearing a jingly elf hat warmed his heart. He truly loved you and while not being shy of showing it in the privacy of your own home, he still had an image to keep outside since he could never know if one of his colleagues was hiding around and would see a softer side. They all hated him at the precinct and mostly left him alone and he'd do everything to keep it that way.

As the night wore on, you finally decided to call it a day. The market was slowly closing down and the chill in the air became more pronounced. You held Gavin's hand tight, guiding him back to the car, humming jolly tunes while slightly dancing with every step. Once inside the warmth of the car, Gavin let out a sigh. To your surprise, his face softened and he turned to you with that typical smirk that always made your heart skip a beat.

"You know, I didn't think I'd enjoy this Christmas nonsense, but I have to admit, it was rather...nice", he confessed, his voice filled with a hint of wonder.

You smiled back at him, giving his shoulder a playful slap.

"Well, I'm glad I could bring a little Christmas spirit into your life, even if it was just for a tiny moment", you replied, your heart swelling with warmth, "but don't worry, I won't tell anyone that the great Detective Reed actually enjoyed some quality time on the Christmas market", you winked at him.

Gavin let out a soft chuckle, his fingers gently gripping your neck as he drew you near, pressing his rough lips against yours in an affectionate kiss. As he slowly released his hold, he leaned in closer, his voice filled with a deep longing, causing a delightful sensation to course through your entire being.

"I'm eager to see what you have in mind to make it up to me for bringing me along to this market."

[bugwolfsstuff]

here's the w.i.p for ToL chp 2 so far (I have rewritten it multiple times now)

Can i please get constructive criticism or something because my brain keeps screaming at me to scrap it all and rewrite it again.

-----

I woke up in a bed with an elf pointing runes at me menacingly, one of my spawn scowling at me, and a dwarf pointing a harpoon at my face.

So basically a typical Saturday for me.

I couldn't get much of a look at where I was because of the weapons in my face, but I seemed to be in a guest room. The walls were white, and the only other furnishings were another bed and a shabby wooden dresser.

Well, this room was devoid of any personality, so I must've been in the home of my (probably dead) good friend, Randolph.

"Good morning," I said casually, gently pushing the harpoon away from my face with the tip of my finger. "Or is it evening? And get that out of my face, please."

"I thought you were in the walnut!" Alex yelled accusingly, as if it was my fault I wasn't in a walnut. Why would I even be in a walnut?

I rolled my eyes. "Can't a mother just want to spend time with his favourite son or daughter? Ever thought of that?"

Alex was, in fact, not my favourite daughter or son, alive or dead, but Alex did not need to know that.

"Quality time? You tried to kill us!" Alex snapped. "And it's son today, mom."

He said Mom like someone would say a very bad swear. Which, considering Alex's extensive vocabulary, tells me a lot about how much he loves me.

"Oh, build a bridge, son! You're already dead!" I snapped back, saying son the same way he said mom. Which was probably not the right thing to do or say in that situation.

Alex lunged at me and none of the others made an attempt to stop him. Thankfully, he wasn't holding his garrotte wire (which I technically gave to him, by the way), or I would have had a very bad case of decapitation.

I dodged....and rolled off the bed.

Yeah, not my best idea.

My bones made another sickening crunch as my body connected with the floor, and I debated whether or not my survival was worth it.

I managed to sit up against the wall. "Wait wait wait!" I put my hands up in surrender, "Just hear me—ouch—out".

"Never!"

"Fine."

Everyone looked at Magnus in surprise, including me who didn't think that'd actually work.

"What?" The dwarf almost dropped his harpoon, "Kid, you can't be serious!"

"Please be serious," I said, "don't be a douche." He could just pretend to want to help before going HA SIKE! And running his sword through me. Even though I knew that would be very un-Magnus-like. He's a healer. He doesn't do stuff like that.

"We should hear him out—"

I grinned. "Thank you, Magnus Chase!" I side-eyed my son, who was scowling at me from the bed, "At least someone wants to listen to me!"

"Shut up," Magnus said, he looked at me for a moment, his stormy grey eyes looking me up and down. "Your ribs are broken," He said finally, "I'll heal you, only if you swear on your troth to not hurt anyone here."

My grin widened, this kid was an idiot, he doesn't know I don't care about stuff like troth. 

I put my hand to my chest, "I swear by my troth that I won't hurt anyone in this room—"

"On this property, Mother" Alex rudely interrupted, "Your tricks won't work here".

If he was doing this to anyone else I would have been almost proud of the fact that he caught on to that.

Magnus smiled at him and—Oh my gods well isn't that interesting. You see dear mortals. That wasn't a friendly smile that was a loving smile. It seems my little snakelet has got himself a boyfriend. Very interesting, I could use that against them both later.

I shoved that thought to the back of my mind.

"I swear by my troth that I won't cause harm to anyone on this property" I amended.

[animatorweirdo]

The lonely star on the island

You joined on an expedition to investigate and study the ancient fortress of Himring that had been abandoned for centuries since the events of the first age that sunk the land around it, leaving it as the only thing left of the ancient time. You never thought you would encounter it’s long dead lord. 

Requested by @lamemaster

Warnings: empty island, your brother is a kind of a douche, some spooky paranormal activity, paranoia, your brother’s friends are dicks, some frights for you

-------------------------------------

The boat wavered through the waves before it came to a stop on the rocky shores. You got excited as the boat came nearer to the land and almost jumped off if it wasn’t for your brother keeping you put and preventing you from taking a dip in seawater. You tried to wait patiently as your brother’s friends pulled the boat to the shore, and you were finally allowed to step on the land. 

You marveled at the fortress on the tiny island, the wind and the waves rocking against its stone walls and the seagulls flying around it. You were filled with energy and excitement as your long journey was over. 

You had finally arrived. 

After several weeks and months of pestering your brother to let you join the expedition to the mysterious island, you were jumping on your feet to finally investigate and study the ancient fortress that stood tall on the island, the ancient fortress of Himring. 

The fortress was great like the old tales said. It stood bigger than any tower you have seen. The stone and the structure had slightly eroded over time, but it still stood firm after centuries surrounded by the sea. It was truly incredible, made by the high elves who came from the west to oppose the ancient foe, the dark lord Morgoth. 

Thousands of elves used to live here, and it was one of the only structures that survived the sinking of Beleriand despite being abandoned. 

It held so much history, and you couldn’t wait to discover more than what you knew from the rumors and the stories. 

You helped your brother and his company to set up a camp before setting toward the fortress with only a warning from your brother to be careful and be wary of ghosts. 

You only rolled your eyes at that statement. 

Ghosts and spirits were things only elves would know, and you heard when an elf dies, they answer the call of Mandos and join his halls to wait for the day when they could be reborn. You have heard about some cases of ghost activity but never about an elven ghost, so there was a mild chance you would encounter a ghost. Not to mention you didn’t believe in their existence due to your brother's constant taunts about them during your childhood. He used to scare you with them a lot– so you couldn’t think about them as anything more than a stupid joke. 

The rocks and pebbles crunched under your feet as you walked past the pine trees toward the fortress and felt the ocean wind against your face. The rocks and cliff peaks stood tall around you. It was hard to believe this island used to be part of mountains, but now it was just a lonely island, holding up the last thing that remained from the first age. 

You finally arrived at your destination, and you marveled at the sight of the enormous gates that stood in front of you. They had stood shut for centuries, and despite being thousands of years old, they still seemed to be in excellent condition. You took out your journal and began to draw and make notes. 

You heard your brother and one of his friends talking and approaching you from behind, but you kept focus and continued outlining the gate with your pen. 

Manton, one of your brother's friends, whistled as he stood beside you and stared at the gates. “That is one big gate,” He stated. “Any idea how to get them open?” He looked at your brother. 

“Well, it has been rumored they couldn’t be opened no matter what, so let’s see if those rumors are true,” Your brother said. “And if we can’t open them?” Manton asked. “Let’s not think that way just yet. I wanna think positive,” Your brother said with a confident smile. You rolled your eyes at his enthusiasm because you knew he had no idea how to open the gate. 

“Unless you’re an elf or the one who designed this gate, you’re not getting in,” You explained. “And how would you know I can’t open it? We brought supplies and the best pick lockers for a reason. Any door is openable if you put your mind to it,” Your brother said back. 

“Yeah, any human-made door,” You stated. “As you can see– this was designed by the elves, so do tell me how you plan to open it when there are no locks or handles?” You pointed out since the gate in front of you was like a wall, like most gates you had seen. 

“Alright, little nerd, How about you open it then?” Your brother said, leaning down on you with crossed arms. You scoffed. “Just because I know more history than you doesn’t mean I know how to open the gate,” You said and began to walk away. 

“That’s what I thought, so how about you leave the hard for us while you do your nerdy stuff with your nerdy little book,” Your brother said while you walked to the side to study the walls as his friends arrived at the spot and began working on the gate with him. 

You walked around the walls, taking in the size and thickness and trying to figure out the type of stones used to build it. You set down your bag on a rock and sat down to draw the wall and try to outline a map of what the fortress would look like from above. 

You heard footsteps and stopped when you saw Manton coming up to you. He smiled at you as he stopped in front of you. “Hey, little bookworm. How is your little study session going on?” He asked, making you smile. 

“Pretty well. I’m trying to outline a little map of the fortress based on the positions of the walls and the island,” You showed him the map in your journal. He leaned down to take a better look as you talked. 

“The ancient elves really knew what they were doing because the position of the walls and the mountains made it difficult for the enemy to try to attack or breach, especially when this fortress used to be located among the mountains that blocked the ancient enemy from advancing further into Middle Earth,” You explained with excitement. Manton nodded his head with an impressed look. 

“That’s pretty interesting. Even I wouldn’t know how to invade such a place,” Manton said, then he glanced at the fortress. “Not that I would have even thought about trying to get inside, especially if the late homeowners were still around. I heard they were tall and scary and had razor-sharp teeth like orcs,” He used his fingers to tease fangs from the side of his mouth, which made you chuckle at the thought. 

“Tall and scary perhaps, but razor-sharp teeth? Most unlikely,” You smiled as elves nowadays were calm-headed and rather polite individuals. 

“By the way, don’t take to heart what your brother said earlier,” Manton looked at you. “Allard can be proud from time to time, but he means well– most of the time,” He added, shrugging his shoulders on the last part. You shook your head in amusement.“I think I would know that since he’s my brother,” You said, making him chuckle. 

“So, you think the gates really can’t be opened?” Manton asked. 

“Well, the Noldor who made this place were known to be the best craftsmen the Middle Earth had seen, so I don’t think Allard will be successful opening the doors anytime soon,” You explained. “Well, they definitely knew how to make a gate,” Manton said. 

“But what if someone accidentally got left outside and they couldn’t open it for some reason?” Manton questioned. “I don’t think the elves would have been that careless, but if it did happen–” You tried to think, but nothing came to mind. “I don’t know— maybe they had another way in just in case, but that is unlikely,” You said. 

“Well, that’s a pity. Another entrance would be much easier than trying to open something that is most likely impossible to open,” Manton said, then turned around. 

“I leave you in peace, for now. Scream if you need anything,” Manton said, using that little line he liked to use as a little joke and a way to tell you to call him. It always made you laugh a bit. “Will do,” You said with a smile as you watched him return to your brother and his hopeless task of opening the gates. 

You frowned in disappointment as you stared at his retreating figure. You liked Manton. He had been your good friend for a while, and he was more likable and more of a brother figure than Allard. You honestly wished he was your brother instead of Allard. 

You glance toward the fortress, looking at the towers inside. 

You took in every detail and the windows until you saw something move in one of them. You frowned and tried to see better, but nothing was there. You stared at the window before brushing it off as a fragment of your imagination. 

You decided it was time to move, but then you accidentally knocked your arm against your bag, making it fall. You panicked and cursed as you watched it fall. It bounced on a couple of rocks before smacking against the ground. You sighed in relief when you saw it wasn’t a far drop, so your things inside the bag should be fine. There was also an easy path, so you could easily walk down to get it. 

You jumped off the rock and made your way down to your bag. 

You grabbed your bag from the ground, dusting off any dirt before slinging the strap of your bag over your shoulder. You checked everything was alright before you noticed a strange cave that looked like a passage. 

You stared at it, feeling a bit confused. It looked deep, and the walls stood right above it. 

Manton’s conversation about another entrance came back to you, so you decided to go inside out of curiosity. You gasped when you were in and saw where the passage was leading. 

You quickly returned to your brother and found him with his friends at the gate, trying to open it with brute force. “Allard!” You called, flailing your arms to get his attention. 

“Not now, nerd! I think we’re getting close,” Your brother said, making you frown at him. “Don’t bother. You’re not getting them open, and just listen to me,” You said. 

“(Name), I really don’t have time for your antics,” He said, making you stare at him dumbfounded. “Alright, sure! Ignore me! I might as well go in and leave you here looking like idiots!” You said while gripping your hips.  

“Wait!” Your brother stopped to look at you. “What do you mean when you said go in?” He finally gave you his attention, and everyone stopped to look at you. Manton looked at you curiously. “I found another way in,” You said, making Manton smile. 

“What?” Your brother said. 

“Come on! I show you the way,” You said, and Manton was the first to follow you, your brother and his company reluctantly following behind. You showed them a way into the hidden passage, and from there, you led them inside, and you all found yourself inside the wall, standing behind the closed gates.

“Wow,” Your brother marveled as you all stood in front of the famed fortress.  

“It looks bigger on the inside,” Manton said, then patted your shoulder with a smile. “Well done, little bookworm. Maybe it wasn’t a terrible choice to bring you along,” Manton said, making you smile, and Allard rolled his eyes since he protested your coming.  

“Alright, let’s see what we can find,” Your brother slapped his hands together. He and his friends began approaching the fortress, leaving you with Manton. 

“I’m gonna go inside,” You almost bolted toward the fortress. “Hey,” Manton said, making you stop to look at him. “...be careful. The place is still hundreds of years old. We don’t know what we can find,” He expressed. You smiled in reassurance. “I will be fine. I scream if I need you,” You said, making him chuckle as he finally let you go toward the fortress. You honestly didn’t expect to get inside, but now that you were inside. You had a crave urge to explore all of it. 

Throughout the day, you investigated the inside of the fortress, going from room to room, drawing and making notes of every corner. 

The inside was very old. There were spider webs and dust everywhere, and the furniture had suffered from the fangs of time. However, even though they were old, they were in good condition. They would break if you touched them, so you tried to be careful when handling something. 

You found yourself in a room. The floor creaked beneath your feet with every step, and all the furniture coated with dust. The wind was blowing from the window, and there was a mirror in the corner and a bed. It seemed like another bedroom, so you took note of its location. 

You looked around for a moment and saw something lying on a desk. It looked like a tiny book, so you went to grab it and looked through the text written inside. It was a journal or a diary, telling from the dates in the upper corner of each page. 

The language was also in an old Sindarin dialect, so you grabbed a book from your bag and started translating the text. You were fluent in the modern elven language, but the journal you were reading had words you weren’t familiar with, so you had a book to translate old text just in case. It proved how different things were back in the first age. 

The door to the room suddenly creaked, making you look up and stare at the doorway. You waited, but nothing happened, so you brushed it off as the wind and continued reading the journal. 

Something suddenly fell over in your room, making you jump with fright and watch as the item lay broken on the floor. You were now confused because the wind didn’t blow much in the room, and the object on the floor was heavier than the door, so the wind couldn’t be that strong to topple it over. 

You stood confused and mildly creeped out by the strange occurrence. You stepped back for a moment, then noticed something move in the mirror at the corner. Your heart jumped because it looked like a person moving just behind the corner of the doorway. It was sudden, so your heart raced as you moved toward the door. 

You walked over and then peeked into the empty hallways. There was no one, and it was silent, so you weren’t sure if it was a person you saw move in the mirror. 

“Hello,” You called out. 

You left the room and walked through the hallway, trying to find traces and signs of someone walking by. You remembered seeing something red, making you confused because no one in your brother’s company had red hair or wore anything red. Your brother had one person with reddish brown hair, but the red you saw was a deep shade of red, like a shade of roses and wine. 

You slowly walked through the hall, passing an open terrace. You looked around but found nothing, yet you felt like someone was watching you. It made you shiver because there was no one. 

You glanced at the wall. The light from the terrace created a shadow from your figure, but then– your heart dropped when you saw another shadow. It was faint but still visible. Your heart began to beat faster as you stared at the wall before you noticed something move in the corner of your eye, and you quickly turned to look at the terrace. There was no one there even though you felt like you saw someone. 

You looked back at the wall and saw the shadow gone. 

You inhaled some air and shook your head, trying to keep yourself calm even though you felt incredibly confused. You first hear the door creak, then a heavy object suddenly falls, you see something in the mirror, and now you see a shadow of something that was never there. What was going on? 

Was it a ghost or something?

You shook your head at the thought. You decided to walk back because you felt uncomfortable. You didn’t believe in ghosts. Those things were strange, but there was a high chance that your imagination was simply doing tricks on you. You just need some fresh air, and all will be clear. 

You went to the courtyard, seeing your brother talking with Manton and one of his least likable friends. Deciding to check on them, you walked down the stone stairs and overheard their conversation.

“What do you mean you found nothing?” Allard questioned. “It means we have found nothing. We have checked every possible storage and basement, but all we have found so far are old armor, weapons, and storage of withered food,” Manton explained. “Well, it has to be somewhere!” Brawley, your brother’s bootlicker, stated in frustration. “Well— wherever it is, it has been hidden good,” Manton said back. “I mean, how do we know there’s anything left? The elves may have emptied it when they left,” He added. 

“Alright, how about we take a break before we get ahead of ourselves? We just got here, so let’s not get frustrated just yet,” Your brother interfered and then saw you approaching. 

“Ah! (Name)! “ He said in a positive tone. “Have you found anything of interest for your little history obsession?” He questioned, making you roll your eyes. “I found a lot, but I am curious about something. Did any of you visit the old quarters at the west side of the fortress?” You questioned, pointing at the place you experienced the strange shadow thing. 

“I…don’t think so–” Allard started, then looked at Manton and Brawley. “Did any of you go there?” He questioned. “I have been with you this whole time,” Brawley answered. “I made sure no one left to slack off in the basement, and I’m sure the rest of us are at the camp, so no one,” Manton explained. 

“It seems…no,” Your brother looked at you. “Why do you ask?” He questioned. You fell into confusion when you heard their answer.

“It’s just…I thought I saw someone walking in a hall, somebody wearing red,” You explained, almost hesitating. “But when I went to check, no one was there,” You added. “Somebody wearing red?” Your brother looked at you, confused. “No one is wearing red, to my knowledge. Unless…” He looked at you with a smirk. 

“You saw a ghost,” He stated, making you groan. 

“Again with the ghosts? Ghosts aren’t real, so why would there be one?” You questioned with frustration. “Who knows? I heard the elf who used to be in charge of this fortress was a redhead. So it could be a possibility?” Allard said before looking at his friends. “Rally everyone up and tell them to return to the camp. Let’s take a break,” He said, and Manton left to fulfill his request. 

“What are you exactly looking for?” You questioned. “Brawly was technically screaming about it before I came here,” You added. “You know, the reason we came here in the first place. If we find some good old artifacts to take back home, it would earn us some handsome money and help our old man to get back on his feet,” Allard explained. “And you know, if you found something good to take back. It might give you good material and finally get you that scholarship you always wanted, “ He said with a smile. 

“Careful, you're starting to sound like a grave robber,” You said, making him laugh a bit. 

“Are you coming to the camp as well? It won’t hurt to rest that little brain of yours for a moment,” He asked. “I’ll come back later. I want to check out the upper floors,” You said. “As you wish, but be careful and don’t let the ghost get you,” Allard cooed, making you roll your eyes as you turned back to go back inside the fortress. 

You were just about to walk up the stairs before something caught your eye at one of the windows in the nearby building. It looked like a shadow, but before you could take a better look at it. It disappeared, and you didn’t know what to make of it. You felt frightened for a moment and incredibly confused because the feeling felt familiar. It was like a deja vu since you saw the same thing outside the walls.

You shook your head and tried to inhale fresh air to clear your mind. What was seriously going on? Why are you seeing things now? 

Your thoughts returned to the moment when Allard mentioned a ghost, and it filled you with frustration because you were adamant that ghosts weren’t real. You brushed it off as fatigue and walked up the stairs, ignoring the feeling like something or someone was watching you.

The time flew fast, and the night came while you were still investigating the upper floors of the fortress. You got so consumed in your exploring that you didn’t even notice that it was dark till you looked outside. You had a lamp to light up the way, so the dark wasn’t a problem, and you continued exploring.  

You took a moment to sit down and review everything you had discovered so far. You set your lamp down and took out your journal, going from page to page and correcting mistakes in your writing. 

It was quiet in a pleasant way before you heard something in the distance. 

You looked up and tried to hear the noise again, but nothing happened. You went back to reading and writing before you heard clear footsteps from the hallway. 

“Hello!” You called out, then heard something in the next room. It sounded like something moving behind the walls, making your heart drum faster because you knew it wasn’t your imagination. You quickly stood up, grabbing your lamp. 

You hesitated to investigate, but you sucked in your fear and took a brave step to leave the room and see what was happening in the next room. 

You slowly pushed the door open, letting it creak and open for you. You held your lamp up, trying to find anything strange that might have caused the noise. You stepped in and looked around, feeling a bit odd. 

You heard something strange and saw an old armor piece moving up and down, making noise. You saw a broken stand, so you concluded the wood most likely failed, making it and the armor pieces fall to the floor. You sighed in relief, turning around to leave the room. 

You stopped when you heard something clank right next to you then something fell toward you. You screamed when you saw someone in full armor but stopped when you noticed it was not falling further at you. You then saw the stick poking inside the helmet. It was just a stand with full armor, and Brawley was laughing behind it as he pulled the armor back. 

Some of your brother’s friends then arrived, laughing as Brawley came out of his hiding spot and pushed the armor stand back. You were filled with anger when you realized it was just a prank. 

“Brawley! What the hell is wrong with you?!” You screamed at him. “Sorry, sweety. I couldn't resist,” He smirked as he continued to giggle. “It was dark, and you were so in your world, so who wouldn’t try to scare you?” He questioned. “You’re a dick!” You said, then began to leave. 

“Oh, wait! Your brother sent me to fetch you. It’s late and time for your curfew,” He said with an annoying teasing tone. “Tell my brother to go screw himself and come fetch me himself because I’m not coming along with a dickhead like you!” You said back as you reached the stairs. 

“As you wish, princess! Just remember to watch out for the ghost,” He called out, making his friends laugh as you climbed up the stairs to the next floor of the fortress. You cursed them under your breath and called them names as you reached the top floor. 

The hallway looked the same as the others, but there were fewer rooms. You calmed yourself and walked around. You got interested in one room with a closed door. You grabbed the handle and tried to open it but found it locked instead. It was odd since most doors were open or broken, but you didn’t want to damage anything, so you left it alone and continued exploring. 

You got excited when you found a balcony bigger than all the other balconies you found. It was wide and in a location where you could see the whole island and the sea. You even saw the camp from up there. 

It was a lovely sight. The moon shone brightly, and the ocean was nicely calm. You started imagining what it would look like without the sea. You had the old map of Beleriand memorized, so you imagined seeing vast lands and mountains and the place where the ancient evil fortress Angband would be seen. 

You got lost in your thoughts. Your father would have loved to see such a sight. He loved exploring and learning about history, so you imagined watching from the balcony with him and trying to spot all possible places and details of what remained of Beleriand. It was what you liked to do in your free time. 

He would have come along if he didn’t get into an accident on that sailing trip. Something went wrong, and his leg ended up getting crushed. It was a horrible sight when his crew brought him back, and his leg had to be amputated. 

He also fell sick along the way, so one of the reasons you wanted to join your brother’s expedition was to find something to write and bring back to impress the old scholars and historians who would take you in as a student and pay for the discovery. The money would help your father to get better treatment for his leg and sickness. 

Your ears picked up something in the air. 

You turned around and looked for anything suspicious. You almost shivered, thanks to the cold wind and your imagination. You listened but heard nothing for a moment before you heard something move in the corner. 

You were quiet as you heard silent footsteps coming from the hallway, but then you remembered Brawley’s prank, and your fear vanished. 

“Ha, ha! Very funny, Brawley! You got me, so can you leave!” You called out in an angry, sarcastic tone. However, all you heard were footsteps and a door opened with a loud creak before it became quiet. 

You waited for Brawley and his friends to show up, but you began to feel odd when time passed, and no one showed up. 

“Brawley?” You called out with a softer tone. However, you heard nothing but the wind and a creaking of a door that sounded faint but there. “Allard! Manton!” You called out, thinking if they were around, but no one showed up or answered your call. 

Your heart began to pound as you took your lamp and slowly approached the hallway to investigate. You peeked behind the corners and saw no one in the empty hallway. It was dark, and there weren’t a lot of hiding places your brother and his friends could use to scare you. You looked around before your eyes fell upon the familiar locked door.

It was now open. 

Your heart began to pound faster as you grabbed the handle and opened the door wider while your mind tried to come up with an explanation. You got nothing because the door was tightly shut. It would take an incredible amount of force or a key to open it, but there was no sign of breaking in and no key to be seen. It was now open like it was never closed in the first place. 

You were now shivering with fright. Nothing made any sense, and only possible conclusion you could come up with was a ghost. You didn’t want to believe it, but after constantly experiencing strange things throughout the day, you didn’t know what to think. You looked inside the room. 

Your father always taught you to avoid strange happenings, but against your better judgment, you walked inside the room. 

It was dark. The windows barely showed any light, so you relied on your lamp to see through the darkness. 

You made out a bed and an old desk in the corner with old papers scattered on the floor, most likely old documents, and you saw a fireplace with a tiny table with a couple of chairs, most likely used for eating dinner and other food of the day. It was a typical chamber. But from the looks of the design and the colors. You knew this was a chamber meant to house a noble or someone of higher status. 

“Hello,” You looked around, trying to see if it was still just someone trying to prank you again, but no answer once again. The room was completely empty. 

You suddenly had a cold feeling, like a brush of cold wind, which you found strange because the room was in a secluded place that barely should have any drafts. The flame in your lamp flickered for a moment as you were now shivering. You rubbed your arms together to warm yourself up as you explored the room. 

You came to the desk, looking over the old documents covered in dust. You dusted one of them off, and the dust flew into your face, making it into your nose and mouth. You coughed for a moment before you saw a silver-colored star. 

You reached your hand and found the little silver star attached to a thin chain of sorts, making you carefully look at it since you didn’t accidentally break something. It was a necklace with an eight-pointed star that looked familiar. It looked like the star you have seen in the banners of Eregion and Lindon. You recognized the metal of the chain being Mithril, which you found surprising because it was a type of metal that was really hard to find and ridiculously expensive. 

You left the necklace in peace and even decided to cover it just in case your brother or any of his friends came around and found it. They would no doubt take it and try to sell it at a higher price. 

You stood still for a moment, feeling hopeful that the necklace would be safe, before you heard something, which made you jump out of fear, an exhale of air. 

You looked around, your heart pounding in fear. You knew you were not imagining things, so there had to be someone in the room with you. 

You moved your lamp around, and eventually, your eye landed on something near the tiny table with two empty chairs near the fireplace. You sucked in your breath as you saw a top of a boot. It might have looked stupid, but you were scared because there wasn’t a pair of boots standing there, and you could see through it, which was not ordinary. 

You tried to suck in your fear as you raised the lamp higher. The light showed you a leg, then a waist, then a chest, and eventually, you looked right into the eyes of someone sitting on the chair. 

It was a man, an elf. He was very tall, and you noticed he was missing a right hand. There were faint scars scattered on his face, and he was very pale, and you could see right through him, but that’s not the most catching thing. It was his familiar colored red hair. The same deep shade of red that had been on your mind since you saw it in that mirror. 

He looked back at you with a blank look, and your heart stopped beating when you realized he was a real ghost. You screamed in fright and dropped your lamp, which broke down into pieces when it hit the floor, and the room fell into darkness.

[asexxxualerotica]

NOT ONLY DID ANON ASSUME GENDER, BUT ANON ASSUMED RACE AS WELL!?

Wow... what a douche.

I can only assume it’s because Jaerik is my pfp and banner right now. I can only assume they also think I have long elf ears, an enormous e-cup rack, and a propensity for getting caught by orcs when my teammates decide to use me as a distraction on infiltration missions lol

[galemilker]

Been trying to gather my thought on Kass Lavellan's journey so far

(my boi decked out with the bones and leather of dragon he hunted in true monster hunter fashion)

beware a very very long post about my boi

Story wise he has met Stroud but hasn't gone to meet the Warden Commander. (personally been postponing + i need to mentally prepare for wicked hearts and how i want that to go). Got the mages and they are in alliance now. Running around Emprise du Lion trying to get mroe info on Samson and the red templars. He is not as angry anymore as he was at the start of the game. Sure he feels like he has purpose and a goal to reach and with all the madness of Heaven and everythign else. The whole "Herald of Andraste" i think really bothers him. Not only because it's connected to a god he doesn't really believe in but also how people have started treating him. I think he lost his faith in the Elven pantheon too when he lost his sister but kept goign through the motions just to try fit the clan. Being Inquisitor hasn't really made him feel better or even safer. The threats to Josephine, the red lyrium , him being an elf in a position of power. The talk he had with Solas after the escape from Heaven continues to linger on his mind. I think he is constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop - with him being an elf AND a mage, he is waiting for the moment he becomes a spacegoat in all of this. He was prickly in Heaven and was mostly focused on closing the rifts and making sure the peope around him survive but after Heaven he started to realsie he needs to know more about the politics of the regions and the allies. He has been relying on Josephine to teach him since she seems the most reliable + is the ambassaor for a reason. Even if he doesn't agree with everything Vivianne stands for he sees that her advice how to navigate the Game are valuable and respects her for it and her magical talents. Another voice of reason whom he trusts is Solas (OH BOI IS HE IN FOR A TREAT IN A FEW YEARS). Currently using dragon hunts as way to vent his frustrations and not burden others. My boi is going through it and doesn't know it only gets worse from there on. General Thoughts on companions: Blackwall - world weary but somehow naive? There is somethign about this man that he thinks is odly refreshing. Sera - was starting to think of her as a younger sister with all her antics but had a big fallign out after her personal quest. The whole ""well yeah people got hurt but i sticked it to the noble douche"" was the breaking point. Originally he thought that she would protect her "people" and was willing to overlook some bs as far as it was to help but now he sees her for a reckless liability that doesn't really care for the good of the people and is just in it for her selfish retribution. (i knwo there is much mroe to her story but). He was an older brother and the feeling of resposibility to protect and care for those who younger/weaker than him is never going to leave him and he won't allow for Sera's BS to hurt bystanders. I think he might be contemplating kicking her from the Inquisition altogether but hasn't made up his mind about it. Solas - at first he kinda eh about him, not too happy about his stance on the dalish but after some conversations and a spat on the "well they don't know the past and are miguided!! Well why don't you tell me and let me learn huh". Slowly warmed up to him and started to appreciate his view on the world. Kass was slightly suspicious of him because Solas seemed to know a bit TOO much. He knew the artifact that ripped the fade was elven, suddenly he found a fortress for the inquisition but i think Kass views Solas as the only person around who can understand him to a degree. With Sera being so anti-elvish and SUPER NOT COOL WITH MAGICand then everyone else either worshiping him or hating his ass just for beign mage and or elf. I think Kass is slightly in love with Solas - with his passion for Fade, his different view on spirits, his ability to get the bigger picture , those murals are super cool too and overall his willingness to guide and motivate Kass to learn more and not be bound by conventions and to view the world with more curiousity.(Kass for sure has competency kink ya'll)

The Iron Bull - kind of mistrusts him due to the whole spy thing but overall a cool person to hang with. Cool stories about mercenary life and the Qun (haven't finished his personal quest so wonder how that will change)

Cole - Kass finds him fascinating and is always ready to listen to what cole has to say. He might even have a small scroll where he writes down what Cole has mentioned and tries to figure out the meaning (part of exercise to learn to write and read in the languages of the allies the inquisition deals with).

Vivienne - She is powerful, she is is cunning and knows how to survive in Orlais and thrive by the looks of it. He really respects her, even if he doesn't agree entirely on the Circles coming back but he agrees that things need to change.

Varric - has his own agendas but he seems the inquisitor's corner for the moment. One of the few people Kass can act as a normal person. Enjoys his stories. Cassandra - wasn't too sure how he felt about her at first. Unlike Cullen, Kass had more time to get to know her and start to see her as more of her own person rather than just a Seeker. One of big breaks? from the image of her he had in his head was for sure learning how much she like varric's books. At this point i do think Kass might even say he consideres her kind of a friend. Dorian - the bae. I think Kass fell for him during the time travel quest. Dorian is basically the only other person in existance who UNDERSTANDS what's at stake of Corypheus isn't stopped and that def affected their closeness. Dorian is not like almsot anyone else he knows in his attitude towards magic, Dorian is passionate baotu topics he cares about and Kass just ate that up. They do fight on the topic of slaves but through it they learn more baout where each one is coming from. Kass is truly looking for a deeper connection wiht someone (There is so much tot lak about them aaaaaaaaaaaaaa) Advisors: Leliana - at the begining he was a bit scared of her but has since grown to value her opinion and in awya see her as kindred spirit

Cullen - still very cautious around him cause ex-templar but tries to be supportive of his decision to cut lyrium and contact his family Josephine - his politics coach. Learning of her history as bard and her motivation to do what she currently does def alleviated her in his eyes.

[siriannatan]

FlowerHusbands thingy

This one was a suggestion over in my AO3 comments.

Hope you like it:}

AO3

There was something off with Scott. It was obvious as soon as Jimmy landed in Rivendell. The Scott he knew would instantly come to scold him, be it for being later or dressed to light for the mountain chill. Certainly not run away after blushing like Jimmy never saw him blush and he saw Scott's first reaction to seeing fWhip not covered in soot and dust and five coats. Seeing the elf turn around and run without even trying to keep his usual poise and dignity might have been funny if Jimmy wasn't worried. He could not help but wonder if maybe he did something to offend him.

He still ran after him. If to try and apologise for whatever he did.

First he had to catch the elf which wasn't easy. Mostly because even if Scott wasn't that short, Jimmy was much taller than any elf and had a bit of trouble with some of the tight passages and doorways but he managed to corner Scott after nearly an hour of chasing him. Where did Scott get so much stamina? He usually needed to sit down after just half an hour of walking.

"Scott? Whatever I did I'm..." Jimmy started but stopped when Scott hugged him out of nowhere. "You okay petal?" the merling prince asked, gently petting the elf's wings.

"I'm a bit confused..." Scott said and Jimmy maybe kind of got it. Maybe.

"Oh... You're not the Scott who's usually here, right? Some weird magic?" he asked but did not push him away. No matter who was in there they still had Scott's face and besides, they were clearly distressed.

"I suppose so..." 'Scott' sighed and sat down on a small bench in the room Jimmy finally caught him in. There wasn't much other than a table and two benches in there. What was it even for? He might ask Scott when he's back.

"Umm, who do I have the pleasure of talking to?" Jimmy asked and gently as to not break anything took the other bench almost entirely. "Wait, I should introduce myself first. Sorry, I'm Jimmy, the Cod Father of the Cod Empire. We're currently in the elven empire of Rivendell, and you're currently ummm, possessing the body of its second prince and my fiance, Scott S. Major," he explained as well as he could.

The guest hummed, taking a moment to think about his situation. "Well," he finally spoke up. "It's funny since I'm also Scott, Scott the necromantic witch... I'm kind of trying to bring y... a very important person back," he introduced himself with a cute smile. Jimmy never saw this kind of smile on his Scott. "And me not being quite myself would explain why instead of zombies I made snow piles. It's kind of annoying since I know this annoying ice witch, he's a total douche who can't tell a malicious curse from a prank," he sighed, face resting on one hand, and sighing again. "I just hope this will pass soon, I have things to do and I'm sure your fiance wants you back too."

Jimmy hummed and wondered if there was anything he could do to help. He knew little outside summoning thunder and waves. And it was probably bad to involve anyone else. Just in case. 

"Scott!?" 

Xornoth yelling out had Jimmy almost hitting his head on a rather low for elves ceiling of the room. "Xor... My Scott's older brother," he explained in a hushed whisper. "Stay here, I'll get him to leave," he said and slowly left the room.

"Oh, Jimmy, hi. Um, have you seen my brother?" the older prince asked. Visibly unhappy Jimmy was in the castle. Or anywhere near his brother, the overprotective prick.

"No, but I'm getting a surprise ready for him so..." Jimmy started but a heavy sigh stopped him.

"Okay, okay, that's enough, I'll go and check the gardens," the older prince said and left. 

Jimmy sighed in relief and came back into the room. 

"Well hello," Scott greeted with a more than familiar grin. "Care to explain what we're doing here? Or how we got here?" he asked.

Jimmy's Scott was back and had no idea he was somewhere else. "Well..." Jimmy sighed and explained the whole situation. 

At the maybe same time, in a different land, a necromancer woke up in his bed. Very confused by his dream of a handsome fish prince.

[many-million-thoughts]

help. Help. Galad right? Galad. Dick. Total asshole. SO WHY AM I SO OBSESSED WITH HIS NASALLY SELF??? MY DND CHARACTER IS COMPLETELY BASED OFF OF HIM. “Asriel Frohll.” Frohll came from French for petal I think. Petals are on roses. Galad ROSELL. That was my thought process anyways.

he is a high-elf paladin even though that isn’t a great combo. To do his voice I slide my glasses ALL THE DOWN my nose to sound nasally cause I can’t do voices well. His god is Pelor. He’s dnd racist which isn’t exactly Galad but still douche bag traits. He is from a town called Roztale (pronounced Roz-tail) again taking inspo from Rose and Rosell. And the state/territory the town is in is called Galadrior. And ofc he fights with a great sword

(my dm allowed me to create the names and stuff for Roztale, he came up with Galadrior cause he knew I wanted to do a Galad-inspired character)

anyways, I hate Galad so much Iove him. I think I like him cause I just find him so damn funny. His last line before his real, mortal, living death is “I’ll suck your fucking dick.” Like cmon, you gotta laugh at that

[thisbelongsto-nohbodys]

My Reaction to the final season of “Summer Camp Island” in 3 gifs and 1 image

So glad that this show was able to end properly after it was removed by that dirty douche nozzle Zaslav, If we didn’t get an ending and was left on the unanswered resolution setup in S5 then you’d have to get the Swear Patrol elf on me from yelling at Zaslav:

[scjacka]

Last episode. Let's all make our Christmas wish this year that it doesn’t come back

I don't even really remember how the stupid thing started (I may have been drinking to get through it XD). This is going to be disjointed because I rage paused a lot and I WILL NOT be rewatching any of this to get it correct. This show doesn't care about my time so I'm not wasting any more of it by rewatching, lol.

Kris is completely useless. Like there was zero point to him being in this season at all. I was also of the mindset that he was going to be a bigger role and maybe take over for Scott but he was completely pointless. I JUST REMEMBERED HE WAS THE KID THAT SAW SKINNY SCOTT WITH THE CANOE AND THAT WAS HIS SANTA ORIGIN STORY OR WHATEVER AND I STARTED YELLING AT THE REVISIONIST HISTORY AND MY HUSBAND WAS LIKE, ARE YOU OK?! AND I WAS LIKE DO I LOOK OK?!!?!

I may be wrong, but is this the first time we've actually seen the factory floor in this whole damn show? Like we're always in Scott's office, the stables, the real world, or the monitoring room. Have they even made any toys in these TWO SEASONS?! Maybe they have and

I liked the Betty/Olga fight (but like why a fake sword?) but the way it was cut back and forth with the Mad Santa/Scott discussion was annoying

The gnomes are just pissed cause they can't make toys... that's like all it took? Feel like we shoulda figured that out sooner. Same goes for Noel just being like, hey gnomes, just come help us.

The mug is the "amulet". Ok, sure. I didn't pause the show in anger about it. Like, not only did we rewrite and destroy the magic-powered watch from 2 earlier this season now we re-wrote the mug. None of this is helped by them bringing up the damn thing 2 episodes before the end like we knew anything about it and it wasn't just shoved in at the last minute. Does each Santa have a different "amulet" (for god sake just call it a talisman or something not associated with a necklace) or do they all get their power from the same ones? Did Judy technically drug him into being Santa then. Like got him drunk on Christmas power? If it's tied just to Mad Santa then why on earth would Judy still have it if there was a coup and all that shit to get rid of the man? Wouldn't it also be locked away somewhere?

Didn't Scott say he made Cal's vest out of the coat? Maybe I misinterpreted that in the early episodes but now he's just wearing it like no big.

Laughing really hard at Scott not realizing he's been a douche until the "villain" says he is with regards to Cal. MS should just be Santa and Scott can go live at the fake Santa village with Fluffy.

Laughing really hard at suddenly remembering Charlie exists and pretending like you get some kind of Christmas powers from him.

Sandra is all-powerful. Good for her I guess.

I still love Befana. Like she's the only character I consistently enjoy watching

Elizabeth Mitchel is too good for this show and is acting much harder than she should with this garbage.

"We fixed EB he's good now but we didn't have the budget to bring back Tracy Morgan or he didn't want to be in the makeup again or something so we're just not gonna show him, but take our word he's fine!"

Why are they singing again and especially that song? Something about a child elf and the lyrics "I touch you once, I touch you twice" is unsettling to me.

Cal's gonna go to college... wouldn't he have to like, go to real school first and have transcripts and whatnot (I'm sure they'd magic it away or whatever). Also, he's not that bright so like, how's he gonna fair in higher education?

Everyone that goes on Kribble Krabble doesn't come back. I swear to god that's the plot of one of the few Hallmark xmas movies I've ever watched. But I guess that means Curtis isn't exploded. With the logic that they all Kribble and don't come back, I'm convinced that was actually Judy working in the bad xmas village which is just a sad development for her and really a downgrade from being at the Pole

So we basically end this season right where we started at the beginning of season 1. Like, Cal's not gonna be Santa and Scott's just gonna be Santa forever and never retire. Mad Santa is there now too I guess (also, there are werewolves in TSC canon... ok, sure). He's with Fluffy in the fake Santaville I guess, but whatevs

I forgot until I realized I took a picture of it, the line from Carol about leaving her job and her life behind and not complaining about it. Like on the one hand yes, please go off queen cause you deserve so much better. But also, you've kinda been complaining about it since the 3rd movie.

Oh right, Tim Allen got to mention Jesus one last time just to make sure it got in there. I literally had to turn on the closed caption cause I was like, did he just say "The King" and sure enough he did, capital K and everything. YOU CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS ALLEN!! Like pick silly fantasy Santa show or pick something religious. IDK it irks me so much

I feel like I had more to ramble about but I'm tired just from having to remember all of this from last night, lol. Just needed to get this junk outta my head. Honestly, very glad Jack wasn't in here to be slandered by this show. Same for the Millers. Same for Bernard again (besides in name and that dumb picture that still makes me mad) and Charlie again.

[dagenvanonrust]

Einzelgängers deel 2: Een ander soort liefde: Hoofdstuk 12

Na de twist in de film, nadat de credits over het scherm rollen, kijk ik naar Luna, haar gezicht is weggedraaid van de tv. Ze ademt diep en langzaam in en uit. ‘Luna?’ vraag ik voorzichtig. Wanneer er geen reactie komt, streel ik zachtjes haar hoofd. ‘De film is afgelopen,’ zeg ik vlak tegen haar oor.

‘O Ben, het spijt me, ik was zó ontzettend moe,’ en ze rekt zich uit, inclusief een luide geeuw. ‘Hoe laat is het?’ 

Ik kijk op mijn telefoon. ‘Half elf, ongeveer,’ zeg ik.

‘Hmm,’ zegt ze, geeuwt nogmaals, strekt haar armen uit. ‘Goed als ik even naar de badkamer ga?’

‘Ja hoor, doe maar.’

‘Ben zo terug!’

Blindelings loopt Luna naar de badkamer, alsof ze hier al jaren woont. Ik ga naar de keuken om de restanten van onze geïmproviseerde maaltijd op te ruimen. Wanneer ik de doos beschuitjes in de kast opberg, licht Luna’s telefoon op. Ik twijfel even of ik zou kijken, maar doe het toch, en ik lees: “Nogmaals sorry dat dit weekend niet lukte, Lunalief. Hopelijk past het volgende weekend nog? Xxx” Het bericht is afkomstig van een zekere Lars en mijn gedachten zijn plots overal. Wie is Lars? denk ik. Binnenin voel ik iets wat ik in lange tijd niet meer gevoeld heb. Zou Lars misschien die man zijn waar ze die avond in de nachtclub mee gezoend heeft? Is het een oude vlam van haar? Iemand die ze leerde kennen in de tijd dat we elkaar niet gezien hebben? Ben ik gewoon een van de zovelen voor haar? Een willekeurig iemand die haar aandacht geeft zodra ze de nood voelt om door iemand gezien te willen worden?

Ik hoor een deur die opengaat en het geluid van douchewater. Luna die roept: ‘Is het oké als ik jouw handdoek gebruikt?’ Ik antwoord niet. De deur gaat weer dicht.

Verward ga ik ga aan de keukentafel zitten met een glas water, probeer te raden waar deze Lars ineens vandaan komt. 

Het geluid van de douche verstomt. Ik hoor opnieuw een deur en Luna verschijnt in de deuropening in niets anders gehuld dan een witte handdoek. Haar haren zijn nat, er vallen druppels water op haar schouders.

‘He, Ben, ik wilde even vragen of…Ben?’ 

Ik staar naar mijn glas. Weet niet wat te zeggen. ‘Je hebt een bericht,’ zeg ik droog. 

Verbaasd neemt Luna haar telefoon van de keukentafel. Ze leest het bericht en  moet al snel begrepen hebben waar mijn afstandelijk gedrag vandaan komt want ze zucht demonstratief en gaat recht tegenover me zitten. Even zegt ze niets, dan vraagt ze: ‘Waarom lees je mijn berichten?’

‘Deed ik niet, ik bedoel, je telefoon lichtte op dus ik -’

‘“Lars” is kort voor Larissa, Ben. M’n nichtje. Ze zou me dit weekend helpen mijn tekst voor een toneelstuk in te studeren.’

Ik voel mijn hoofd rood worden en durf Luna niet aan te kijken. Maar tegelijk voel ik een opluchting zoals ik nooit eerder heb ervaren. Wanneer ik toch opkijk, staart Luna me uitdrukkingsloos aan. Dan verschijnt er een brede glimlach op haar gezicht. 

‘Het is helemaal oké hoor. In jouw plaats had ik waarschijnlijk hetzelfde gedacht.’

Ik kijk Luna verontschuldigend aan, zeg dan: ‘In de onderste lade vind je vast nog een nieuwe tandenborstel.’

Luna, staat op, gaat achter me staan en omhelst me. Ik voel haar natte haarlokken in mijn nek. 

‘Ik moet zeggen dat je best schattig bent als je jaloers bent,’ zegt ze. ‘Ik ga me afdrogen.’ Ze geeft me een zoen op mijn wang - de tweede van de avond, stel ik vast - en loopt terug naar de badkamer. De handdoek neemt ze af nog voor ze de badkamer binnen is.

[wtfcraigslistnyc]

I’m back motherfuckers!! YES!!! To the roots of where this whole sorted mess began.. CRAIGSLIST… Life has handed me some of the sweetest cherries via CRAISGSLIST. I can’t ever quit you….

This first foray back to the OG art form comes to us from some DOUCHE in VIRGINA… It’s not just for LOVERS apparently. Having spent a fair amount of time in the mid-atlantic region I feel connected to this world this strange query springs from… ENJOI 12.6.23

CHRISTMAS ELF…

It’s really profound what the human mind is capable of. Curing cancer, overcoming tremendous adversity, dragging what’s left of your body after a bear mauls you… But other times the mind wanders in the cold, bleak, dark of winter. The walls close in and everyone begins to look like a bucket of KFC that complains too much. So the wheels spin and land on a very intuitive and obvious solution as you drift across the sewage treatment plant liquid surface of the modern popular cultural zeitgeist.

One can only try to imagine the wretched and pitiful mind that would solicit another human for their sick holiday fun….

WILL FARRELL!!! OF COURSE!!! ELF!!!

My cheating wife and asshole children will be so goddam stoked on this utter tidal wave of yuletide inspiration. Nothing will prepare them for the TRAPPED IN THE CLOSET-esque reveal I have on deck for them all…

The whole concept actually appeared in a fever dream as I took a stroll down memory lane to revisit my old childhood haunts of the web… EBAUM'S BABY!!! All the most vile stuff really. It brought me back to the time of dial up and TUB GIRL. Of lesser and greater evils I may or may not have been privy to.

The issue is that I know my dog is gonna rape the ELF… It’s the ELEPHANT in the room really.

BUSTER has been really not adjusting well to any of the many hurdles we’ve presented him with. First, we switched him from a VEGAN, non protein based diet. This caused our beloved pup to really take a turn for the worse almost instantly. His poor canine rectum became a fire hydrant of angry, hateful excrement. He seemed to charge at passing cars with what little life force remained, chasing his own death like a ball sadly…

Thankfully we found a DOGGIE LIFE COACH who really set us straight on the path of nothing but freshly butchered chicken and raw veg. His stools are now like baseballs, one saves in a bin and are carefully burned over the winter months to warm the family at our cabin in the stix…

The unfortunate byproduct of this new vigor BUSTER’s meat infused doggie heart is that he basically tries to penetrate ANY creature that he perceives as a possible for him to mount and dominate.

We found out the hard way… The kids had just come back from school. I was busy cutting brush out back with our gardener… Lord knows his idle hands won’t execute my desires if I’m not there to micro-manage each and every gesture of his hands.

The sound made JUAN and myself quite concerned. The state has advised me not to really provide any other details as the investigation is still pending. I think that in the end everyone will come out on the other side of this unfortunate misunderstanding far more cognisant of BUSTER’s potential for solo doggie breeding supremacy.

We take him to a place now. JUAN introduced us to the guy. He refuses to tell me his name because he says I have a big mouth and will make problems if I know it. He’s got a system where two times a week I drop off BUSTER and he lets him just pound all these dogs making more of his ilk to populate the gene pool. The guy is giving me a really good deal on this dog therapy. BUSTER is much more manageable now that his balls are drained of the hateful poison that bubbles like molten lava…

I’ve already hired a gregarious fella named AL to be the ELF. I actually held “AUDITIONS” in my minivan at the mall. AL was the only one to swallow and that goes a very long way in my book. He didn’t even complain about the ether fumes that engulfed the cabin of the van as I let my drippy rag make me forget why I had a little person blowing me at WALMART, nibbling on a churro….

AL says he has a lot of mascott experience which is going to be very important…. The guy who helps keep BUSTER chill, is on holiday for the next month and as such he left him with a rubber dog we chained up next to his kennel… The poor thing is barely intact and it’s only been a couple of days.

I see this whole holiday ELF reveal meets my psycho dog extravaganza going one of two ways… AL will be smiling counting his money driving home… AL spends the holidays chilling as BUSTER’s bitch in the kennel waiting for the “BONUS” I keep telling him is gonna be life changing and super sweet… It’s yet another YULETIDE MIRACLE.