#ellie's internal monologue

[penvisions]

return the favor {chapter 17}

Pairing: Joel Miller x Reader

Summary: Bad luck seems to be attracted to you as your little trio travels West. Things seem to begin looking up despite the weather change in the ways of trees shedding their leaves and the air chilling.

Word Count: 5.1k

Warnings: canon typical violence, fighting, survival skills, ptsd, mentions of injuries (brief), panic attack, depression, confessions, revealing past traumas, talk of past partners, animal violence, blood, gore, spiraling thoughts for both reader and joel, intense emotions of failure, memory issues, loss of short term memory, mentions of past pregnancy (brief), allusions to miscarriage (brief)

A/N: this dives a little into some hardships before it turns things around. please bear with me, the angst and tension will be high just as it progressed during the show. but i'm trying to sprinkle in some good things with the time skip between kansas city and jackson.

also!! this story has hit over 100k in words! i'm so so proud of myself for sticking with this despite the personal issues i've had and the way i've tended to push this to the back burner in order to pursue other, lighter fics. but i did it! and i hope ya'll like this new installment ♡ 

ao3 link || series masterlist || main masterlist

It was quiet as your trio made their way alongside a thick swath of buildings that made up what was once a town in the middle of nowhere, Nebraska. You were in a weird fog of instincts and antibiotics, your body on autopilot as it trudged on, a small figure in front of you and a large one in front of it. The sun was waning, dusk beginning to take over and shelter was needed.

“Are we gonna stop and check anything out?”

“Not today. Too quiet, haven’t seen so much as a bird within five miles.”

You remained quiet, your entire left arm aching in a way that only broken and growing bones could. It was torture, not having enough pain medication to take it regularly enough to stave off the feeling. The need to save it instilled deep into your psyche at this point. Save, hoard, hold, keep. For more serious things, for those you travelled with. For those you cared about.

“Don’t you want to stop? See if there’s anything we need or to sleep inside. It’s been forever.” Ellie turned around to face you, but her questioning halted as she took in the way you were barely picking up your feet, the slight sway to your head as you kept your eyes wandering to take in your surroundings. As she took in the blank look and the touch of suppressed pain behind your sharp eyes. She was whirling back around to face Joel’s back so fast that her hair swung and the sight of it made you a little dizzy and certainly a little nauseous.

“Joel.”

“No, Ellie, no quit askin’,” He turned his head to the side to aim a mild glare at her, not wanting to do this for the umpteenth time since leaving Kansas City. She had been quiet that first week, though she seemed to be coming back into herself more. “It’s dangerous here and the sooner you understand that, the sooner we can-“

His words trailed off as her own had done when he caught sight of you. The exhaustion clear even at a glance over his shoulder. You were up and walking, your eyes taking in the scene but there was the air of something that unnerved him surrounding you. You were sweating, the damp ring around the collar of your shirt a little too dark for the chill that permeated the days and even more so at night. Your skin looked sallow, almost waxy even from the distance he was at. He called your name and your eyes snapped to him, though he had a feeling it was more instinct that was driving you than actual awareness.

“You don’t-

“I know.”

“Maybe we should stop-“

“No, keep going.”

“You-“

“Keep. Going.” You frowned at him, the pull of your lips downward urging him to turn his head back around and focus on picking his way through the trees. “Get us away from the town, it’s obvious there’s people holed up somewhere around here. Seen traps strung up all around.”

“Next town.” Was all the man said as he continued on, pulling a map out from the inside pocket of his jacket. “It’s another twenty miles. We settle tomorrow. Take stock of things.”

“Go another hour and then we stop for the night.” You looked over your shoulder at the hush of something moving around in trees, moving around you. Your eyes landed on a wire, the leaves of a low hanging limb brushing against it in the slight breeze. “Fast.”

Joel picked up on the way your words had hardened, though had been spoken in a lower tone. He turned and his eyes followed to where yours were trained as you stayed right behind Ellie. The wire was easy to spot, to him at least and to you. It was a trip wire, low to the ground. His steps picked up and he kept an alert attention on the area in front of him, on the area he was leading you both through.

“Ellie, please be quiet until then.” You didn’t address her harshly or with any venom in your words. It was a whispered plea. She nodded, staying in her place between you and Joel as she continued to follow the man through the foliage.

No fire was lit that night.

Protein bars were scarfed down despite the heaviness and grittiness of them.

You didn’t sleep and neither did Joel, both of you too anxious to do so. You had traveled another two hours instead of one, worried about a tail. Joel had done his best to cover your traps and you both had the same idea to make obvious tracks leading in the opposite direction of where you intended to camp for the night.

Come morning, you had finally felt the stress of yesterday wash over you. You were tempted to unwrap the bandages and check on your stitches but there was a pull on them that told you the scabbing was just right and would be okay for another day. You had sweat all through your underlayers as you sat up against the bark of a tree trunk. It was concerning the flashes of heat that worked over your body despite the chills that pebbled your skin. Fever. You made sure to take your next dose of antibiotics on time, eating a can of soup to help settle the heaving feeling that had settled over you.

No one asked for anything other than protein bars but hadn’t protested when you opened a can of something for yourself.

The day was slow, your feet dragging and heavy despite trying to overcome the lag you felt settling into your muscles. You and Ellie were currently waiting on the tree line on the outskirts of a gas station nestled on a dirt road that had been overgrown with kudzu. The plant was already such an invasive species and even more so now in the wake of everything. The thick, lush leaves of it a rich green as everything else began its annual deterioration. Autumn was here, the days shorter and the sun not as hot. Both a relief and a concern.

Once Joel deemed it safe enough, he waved you both over.

You found yourself being ushered inside, there was a cot in the back storage part of the store. Your pack was being pulled from your shoulders and the machete in your grip was being gently pried from you. You felt wide palms guide you down onto the cot, Joel kneeled down and place his hands on the top of your thighs. He caught your gaze and his brow furrowed, mouth frowning as he took in the state you were in.

“Darlin’, you really don’t look too good.”

“Fever. Antibiotics are doing the best they can but with this kind of break it’s a lot on the body.” You wanted to melt into his warmth, chills trailing down your back. You wanted to bury your face in the denseness of his chest, cradle your hands in the softness of his middle. To just lay atop him as if it was an easy, lazy Sunday morning in the time of Before. But that was a luxury you would never get to indulge in.

You could almost cry for the loss of it. For the opportunity that didn’t exist. For the softness that could be in the world as it was.

“I’ll go hunt, you need some protein to help. Ellie will keep watch, just rest.” He leaned forward and placed his chapped lips to your forehead in a comforting move. He looked as if he didn’t want to leave you side, his big brown eyes roving over you as you struggled to keep your head up. “I won’t be long and then you can sleep. I’ll come back to you, darlin’.”

“Copy that.” You whispered as you notched your head froward to place a kiss of your own to the corner of his mouth. He placed a parting kiss to the crown of your head, and you laid down atop the bed he had cleared of dust.

You could hear Ellie’s small voice wavering in and out of your addled mind, spiking high in some instances but remaining at its typical volume, it was paired with the deep rumbling of Joel’s every so often. You weren’t sure what day or time it was, body caught in in fighting off the alternating heat that overwhelmed you and the chills that pebbled your skin. You were sweating profusely and your entire body was one big ache as your muscles tried to combat it. You felt your lungs burn as you panted, mouth parted as you tried to regulate some part of any of it, to no avail.

Everything was a blur for the next few days, colors and vision fading in and out, voices doing so as well.

That was when you heard the terrifying snarl that jarred you from the edge of your semi-consciousness.

It wasn’t human. It wasn’t even Infected.

“BEAR!” Joel’s shout shook through your entire body, your bones hurting from the fear that slammed into you. You were rushing to your feet before you could even think, stuffing what little had been removed from your bag back into the fabric and you pulled it tight, good arm yanking back with the force of the movement and stinging as the muscles flexed.

The sheathed machete found its rightful spot on your belt and you were out the door in a matter of moments, eyes desperately sweeping over open space in front of the gas station. Joel was nowhere to be seen but Ellie was just now breaking through the tree line and rushing toward you. Her expression was panicked and there was a bright flush to her face as she panted heavily. Her gun was in her hand but she wasn’t firing it or keeping it at chest height ready to aim if she needed to.

“Joel-“

“Old man’s okay. Snares were full and the fuckin’ thing came outta nowhere. He slammed into me and told me to get back to you.”

“Joel!” The fear in your voice was masked by the sheer volume of it. Your shout carrying over the dilapidated expanse of the road that was clinging to its former life. Ellie flinched beside you, the sudden volume catching her off guard and startling her badly.

“I’m sorry, gremlin.” Your good hand was going around her shoulder and pulling her to you in a loose embrace. Her hands slowly lowered from where she had raised them to cover her ears. “What direction did you come from?”

She was about to answer, her entire body buzzing as the adrenaline still washed over her in heavy waves but the loud rustling and sound of breaking tree branches had you both whipping around to face the trees to the right of the small clearing. Joel had barely made it past the last trees before he was knocked to the ground. His knees collided hard with the broken asphalt of the ground but he quickly tucked his body as small as it would go and he turned to aim his gun at the large shadow a brown bear was making over him. He fired two shots, but the bear swiped at him, and the gun went flying from his grip.

“RUN!” He didn’t dare chance a look over his shoulder as he scrambled to his feet, the bear being slowed down only minimally with its own instincts taking over. “Don’t even think of steppin’ in!”

Your heart was beating fast in your ribcage, body numb and on autopilot as you watched Joel stand to his full height. He chanced a glance over his shoulder as he scrambled after his thrown gun. The bear slumped to all fours, panting heavily as bubbles of blood fell from its mouth, saliva hanging down in long drooling lines. The bright red jarring.

Joel didn’t pause once the gun was picked back up, he fired another shot, but it seemed to anger the struggling predator and you were ushering Ellie ahead of you, Joel close on your heels. The trees rustled around your little trio as you ran as fast as you could. Ellie shouted out in surprise when the crashing of the bear sounded behind all three of you, with ear splitting growls and snarls.

Ellie’s sneaker caught on a root, and she started to fall, her hands shooting out in front of her to try and catch herself. You scrambled with your one good hand to grab the back of her jacket, but it pulled off from her shoulders and you let it go, not wanting it to come off her altogether without her pack on both shoulders.

“Fuck, Joel, I can’t help her!” You shouted, angry at yourself for not being able, for being injured and unable to provide anything for the group except extra work. She was trying to push herself back up but started whimpering as she did so. Joel ran past you and scooped her up into his arms with a worried look back at you, the crashing of trees getting louder as the bear closed the head start you had gotten.

“Just get her safe!” You shouted as you stood your ground and pulled your colt from the holster at your side. You started firing the second the bears dark color could be seen between the trees. It snarled at you as it continued to race toward you and you were switching the handle of the colt to the hand of your slung up arm, reaching for your machete and raising it high as you rushed toward the boulder that Ellie nearly hurdled into, getting a little more height to swing the blade down hard into the neck of the hurtling beast. It severed muscles and hit bone and the blade settled deep into the animal as it began to thrash in an attempt to loosen it.

It roared, the sound waning off into a choking gurgle as blood spewed everywhere. The drops that hit your skin were warm and it made your stomach roll. It fell to the ground, the weight of it kicking up dust and its paws twitched toward you as it took its final, wheezing breaths. The gun fell from your hand, the machete still embedded into the neck of the now dead bear in front of you. Your vision blurred, mind hazy as you realized how far in the trees you were and utterly alone.

You fell to your knees after stepping from the boulder. Breath coming out hard and fast, hurting as it pushed past your lips. You looked down at your injured arm, slung up with cloth tied around your shoulder.

Pain was searing and throbbing from a long scratch, a swipe from the bear you hadn’t even realized had made contact, too focused with burying your blade into the thing’s neck. It didn’t appear to be too deep, but it would take a while to heal, the sleeves of your shirt and jacket shredded. Suddenly your vision was filled with a blurry face. His brown eyes were glittering, and his face was moving as if he was talking to you but you couldn’t hear anything over the ringing in your ears.

You blinked a few times, trying to focus but realized it was because of tears that you couldn’t see properly, and you hiccupped as your breath stalled. You reached for him, with both hands, crying out at the pain that seared in your left arm with the action.

“Taylor, I’m so sorry. I don’t- it- it- I had to! I’m sorry I left the cabin-“ The hands you could feel on your shoulders stilled, the man in front of you freezing at your slurred words. Ears still ringing and tears still falling, you tried to catch your breath, but it was harder and harder to. The edges of your vision grayed out, your entire body feeling like a limb that had fallen asleep and suddenly you were falling to the ground as unconsciousness tugged you down. You couldn’t feel the arms that were helping to guide you gently to the ground.

“Uh, what the fuck?” Ellie reached out for Joel’s arm, spooked by literally everything that had happened today. Her emotions crested and she was tugging at his arm, shaking it to get the man’s attention. The look on her face was a mixture of so many things, but fear. Fear was the one he could see the most, so fresh. So easily identifiable because he had seen it merely a week before for the first time in such a glaring way that he could pick it out of her smallest ticks and facials twitches now. “Joel, what the actual fuck?”

“I-I don’t know.” He stuttered and felt like a damn fool for it. Feelings of failure bubbling up in his middle, threatening to take over his mind and his body, take him away to a plane of existence that was debilitating thoughts and emotions too much for him to handle. It was all encompassing, to be on that that plane, so far away from it all but his body remained in a world of death and destruction, of failure, of repeated scenarios that he could never make the right decisions in.

“She called you Taylor. Was she hallucinating?”

“Ellie, please. Let’s get her back to the building and we’ll talk.” He stood from his position where he had slid to his knees in front of you. Worry had him placing Ellie down without so much as a glance at the now dead threat before focusing on your shocked form. He leaned down and picked you up as best he could, but with a pinched expression he turned back to her. “Can-“

“I can stumble well enough, she’s unconscious, she needs more help.”

“I’m sorry, Ellie.”

“For carrying me away from an attacking bear when I tripped?”

“For…for not hearin’ it get close to us in the first place.”

“I didn’t hear it either,” She fumbled with the knife in her hands, unsure of what to do with the man’s undivided and sincere attention on her.

You woke suddenly, with a deep gasp of air that startled both of your companions, who had just settled for the night. It was dark, but a lantern on the floor between them was enough to tell you they were okay.

“You’re okay, we’re okay. You did-“ He was up on his feet, standing beside the cot but looking for all the world as if he was afraid to reach toward you. His hands balling up into fists at his sides as he looked you over. “You did such a good job today, you protected us.”

“I-what?”

“…the bear?”

The silence that fell in the small room was heavy, weighted. You looked from Joel to Ellie, their eyes watching you. You took mental stock of how your body felt sluggish, your head a little dizzy, your left arm hurting from the very top to the very bottom, the entire length of it throbbing dully.

“…bear?”

“Shit.” Ellie’s worry was wrapped up all in that single word.

Your name in the air snapped you back to attention a little bit.

“Bear. Dream. Bad dream.”

“No, no, darlin’, that-“ Joel finally reached out to you, bringing your good hand between his own and you felt the warmth of his palms. “That was real. You don’t…you don’t remember?”

“It was real?” Joel didn’t like the realization that you had been so overcome by adrenaline and instinct that you don’t remember jolting from your sick bed and defending them in one of the most intense chain of events and didn’t even remember it. The devotion struck him close to his heart and all he wanted to do was pull you to him and hold you. Tell you what a good job you did, how sorry he was for forcing that out of you. For not being able to protect you in your most vulnerable state.

“I came running to you, do you remember that?” Ellie moved closer, standing from her sleeping bag she had been tucked into with a comic book. You watched as she limped toward you, the memory and phantom motions of reaching for her as she stumbled in front of you flashing through your mind and body. She reached her own hand out and placed it atop your knee. Comforting you in what ways she could. Joel guided the hand he held toward her own and he laid it atop her smaller one for you. He moved off to the side and retrieved his water bottle and set it in your lap.

“I- yes.” You gripped her hand tight in your own, fingers tangling with her smaller ones. “Joel carried you away because I couldn’t.”

“But you killed it.”

“Killed what?”

“…the bear?” Ellie tried again, to clear the fog in your mind.

“I’m not strong enough to kill a bear.” You huffed, getting annoyed at the merry go round of this conversation. “Not even strong enough to stand up without getting’ dizzy.”

“You shouldn’t be, but you did. You took care of us, and now we’re takin’ care of you, returnin’ the favor.” Joel stepped back into the conversation, seeing and sensing the confusion and annoyance flaring up in both of you as the conversation drew on.

“I didn’t kill a bear.”

“You did!” Ellie shouted, loud enough to startle you. She tore her hand from your own and went back to her sleeping bag. She rustled around for a second before coming back over to you and placed a giant fang in your hand. A bear canine. “You woke up out of whatever is goin’ on with you and you protected me, you protected Joel.”

“Oh.” Like it wasn’t the most important thing to happen today, like it didn’t mean everything.

Joel murmured quietly that you should eat, take another round of medication, and everyone should sleep. An hour later, food in your stomach that you still weren’t quite convinced was the bear you had killed earlier, and medicine dulling the pain and haze of your mind, you were back asleep with even breaths.

Joel and Ellie were quiet, the events of the day exhausting them but also worrying them.

“She-she called you Taylor.”

“She did, must’ve been in her mind.”

“But…you don’t look anything like him.”

“I – what?” Joel’s eyes snapped up to see her already looking at him, her small face scrunched up in confusion. “You been around this Taylor? He from the QZ?”

“He’s from the photos in her pack.”

“Ellie, you shouldn’t be snooping in people’s packs. What they keep in there is private.”

“She let me see! They fell out back in-in-“ She swallowed her words and took a shuddering breath. It took a moment for her to calm down. “When you were takin’ care of her nose bleed, they fell out of her pack and she let me see them.”

“Nosebleed…” A grunt sounded from him when he recalled the rather alarming moment back in Kansas City, as you all traveled underneath the city toward the hope of safety.

“He…he was important to her. She saw him in you.”

Such a simple statement, one that she had no idea of knowing would cause the beginning of the chain of events that it did.

“Everyone has someone that was important to them.”

“Like Tess?” She whispered, as if afraid to speak the name at normal volume.

“Like Tess.” He tried not to bark the words out, but they hurt his throat all the same. “Now sleep.”

It was early morning and Joel found himself rustling through your pack for the first aid kit. He had sliced along his hand as he tried to carve more of the bear for a decent breakfast. He would kill for some eggs to go along with the meat, but he hadn’t had them in so long he was sure they would upset his stomach.

The photos Ellie kept talking about crinkled with his digging efforts and he ignored the allure of fishing them out. It was your business, it was your past, it was your…trauma. He had no business looking upon them until you wanted him to, and even then, he wasn’t sure he was brave enough to. Had the right to.

They flitted out, taunting him. He was staring at the backs of them as they laid out on the floor where he was kneeled beside the pack. The faded blood splatter bright to his eyes despite the age, he could only imagine how much havoc must’ve been happening for something as small as an instant photo to get covered.

“You can look at them.”

The man startled at your words, you hadn’t been completely asleep for a while now. Waiting quietly in the waning darkness of the room, watching as the sun began to rise and send faint light into the abandoned building. It was colder than it had been recently, the chill in the air only a taste of the winter to come.

He looked over to you, frozen in place with his hands deep in your pack and his shoulders tense.

“’s not my place.”

“Joel, if you want to, you can. I’m not forcing you but I’m not tearing them out of your sight either.”

“Darlin’, you’ve been through a lot the past few days. Don’t want to add to it by being nosy.”

“But you want to.”

“That’s not the point.”

“I carry things, same way you do.” You fiddled with your hands in your lap as you moved your legs slowly to dangle over the edge of the cot, feet on the ground. “It helps me to talk about them, sometimes. But I’m not asking the same from you. I would never make you face something you don’t want to.”

He reached out to take the photos from your hand, an offering. His hands shook as he did so, not sure why he was so afraid of the flimsy, worn film. When he turned them over, his heart stuttered in his chest and his fingers gripped them tightly. The bump of your stomach through the dress panging in a way he hadn’t anticipated. You looked so happy, just like he was sure he did in the photos he had left behind in his house all those years ago. More focused on the girl in his care, the life he had to protect at all costs, his whole life in the bright smile she would beam at him even if he felt like he didn’t deserve it.

“Raiders.” Was all you said as he shuffled through them. He felt guilt again at not being able to help Tess, to give her something good to reflect on. Surely he had brought something to her life, for her to have stuck with him all those years. Surely she would have remembered him fondly and not just the hardships and haze of drugs and the struggle of power they had been fighting both before and inside the QZ. He felt a lump form in his throat, emotions getting the better of him.

“I…it was my fault. I hadn’t covered up my tracks well enough one day. They found our cabin and they came at us with everything they had, for everything we had. I carry the same things you do.” Your whispered words had him carefully placing the photos back into your pack and reaching for your empty hands. He gave them a squeeze before asking for your help at patching up his injured hand.

Snow had fallen during the night, prompting you to insist it was time to move far earlier than you normally would have. Busing yourself with setting up the small compact moka pot from your pack, you dug out the ash from the fire the night before. Joel had taken watch until around midnight, you taking over the second his head had hit the pillow and his even breathing sounded in the air alongside Ellie’s. She had insisted on being a part of the rotation, but you both vetoed it until further notice. She was still having nightmares, scrambling up at random times during the night with frantic movements to push someone who no longer existed off of her. Fighting, muttering under her breath, scared. Scarred.

Your ears took in the sounds of the crips morning, eyes tracking the pristine ground around your small set up. Joel and Ellie had instinctually moved toward one another in your absence from the sandwich you had created around her to keep her warm. You had donned a black beanie, giving her your other one that was a dark blue. They were insulated on the inside, lined with a once soft sherpa but it still did it’s job. Apologies had fallen from your lips at not having another for Joel but his hands intertwining with yours had been his way of calming you down, telling you he would be okay. That he wanted you both to be warm and he could go without until something came along.

You rinsed out the two thermos basins as best you could with snow, letting it melt inside over the fire before pouring it out off to the side. The splatter of hot water sizzling in the dusting that had begun to stick. Tearing open a packet of hot chocolate that had been hidden deep in your pack, you poured it into the chamber on the moka pot and placed it atop the makeshift frame over the fire. As soon as it began to rattle and bubble you poured it into Ellie’s thermos and moved on to put some of the ground coffee into the chamber, using your gloves as protection from the heated metal.

The two figures asleep behind you began to rouse, with little interaction, everything was packed up and they sat around the small fire to warm a bit before it was time to start the days trek.

Off in the distance, a log cabin sat on the frosty edge of the lake. It was the first sign of any type of human existence your trio had seen for days.

previous chapter || next chapter

[subtlybrilliant]

The way they all look at her 🤌😍🤩

[bonewreath]

𝐬𝐦𝐨𝐤𝐞 𝐦𝐞 𝐨𝐮𝐭 | 𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐚𝐦𝐬 𝐱 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

description: you’ve been getting closer to ellie lately and, unbeknownst to you, your blossoming crush is entirely reciprocated. cue your first smoke sesh together… and a little something more, too. [modern au, ellie and reader are both over 18]

warnings: weed use, oral sex, fingering. this fic is 18+, minors do not interact.

author’s note: my first ellie fic and my first fic on this blog! pls be nice :) let me know what you think <3

The first few times you hung out with Ellie, she’d offered you a joint. It’s no secret that Ellie’s the town’s top dealer, a welcome sight at rowdy house parties, her backpack stuffed with ziplock bags of the best bud around. You’d tried weed before, had taken a puff or two from poorly-rolled blunts here and there, but you’d never particularly enjoyed it. Mostly, you’d just coughed up a lung and felt nothing but a vague lightheadedness. So when Ellie rolled up a joint the first time you’d come over to her place, offering you a drag after she’d sparked up, you’d politely declined.

Ellie had arched a brow. “You mind if I smoke? Shit - I can put it out.”

Before you’d had the chance to respond, she was already reaching for the ashtray on her nightstand, ceramic and painted to resemble an eight-ball.

“No, no, it’s fine,” you interjected, reaching out and touching her wrist almost involuntarily. You pushed down the flurry of butterflies that erupted in your stomach at the contact. God, you had to be touch-starved or something. Since when did touching someone’s arm make your heart skip a beat?

Ellie looked at you with a guarded kind of suspicion, like she didn’t believe that you were fine with her smoking. “You’re sure?”

“I’m sure,” you said, lips curling into an encouraging smile. “I don’t mind weed, it just doesn’t do anything for me.”

“Huh.” Ellie nodded. She lifted the joint to her lips again and you glanced away, chest tightening from the sight of her lips pursing.

“If you ever wanna try again,” she paused to exhale a plume of smoke, intentionally avoiding your direction, “let me know. Not to, like, toot my own horn or anything, but I’ve never had someone try my weed and not like it.”

You let out an easy laugh. “Okay, we’ll have to see about that.”

Ellie was smiling at you, those green eyes twinkling like so many stars. “No pressure.”

That was months ago, when the summer heat still blazed from sunrise to sunset. It’s mid-winter now, the chill nipping at your cheeks and the end of your nose. To your agony, it hasn’t gotten any easier to breathe when you touch Ellie - when she greets you with a hug and a smile at her front door, you feel like you’re paralyzed with want. And Ellie’s probably none the wiser, of course. You wonder if she’s ever noticed the way your breath hitches when she stretches out on the couch beside you, leaning her head on your shoulder while some tacky eighties film lights up the television screen. You figure she’s oblivious - she’s just being friendly. She probably doesn’t even know you like girls, anyway. Plus, she doesn’t shy away from talking about the girls she’s been with before. You’ve spent more than a few nights seething with jealousy as she recounted her latest hookup, schooling your expression into one of disinterest or even mild enthusiasm.

It’s been a while since she’s talked like that, luckily. You’re grateful you don’t have to feign excitement about Ellie’s latest conquests anymore.

“Whatcha thinkin’ about?” Ellie interrupts your internal monologue, hands still working at the joint in her lap. She’s got a pile of ground-up weed on a rolling tray, sprinkling it into the perfectly-rolled cone like it’s muscle memory. It probably is.

“Nothing,” you blurt, cheeks warming. “Sorry, just zoned out for a second.”

“Oh, bullshit,” Ellie quips, rolling her eyes despite the smile playing at her lips. “What, you can’t tell me? I thought we were friends, cherry.”

You flush anew at the nickname. She’d picked it out for you after you’d scarfed down an entire jar of maraschino cherries one night, after Ellie had bought them for ice cream sundaes. You’d never live that down… But you’re not sure you want to, because every time the nickname leaves Ellie’s lips, you feel like you’re glowing bright red with admiration.

“We are friends!” You nudge Ellie’s shoulder with yours, rolling your eyes with that same playfulness she’d expressed. “Sorry, it’s just - it’s embarrassing.”

Ellie narrows her eyes. It’s like you can see the cogs turning in her head. “Embarrassing? What, you got a crush on some guy or something?”

You open your mouth to respond, but before you can, she’s prattling on again. “Y’know, just ‘cause I’m gay doesn’t mean you can’t talk to me about your crushes. Swear I won’t be weird about it.”

Oh god.

“It’s not - I’m not…” You sigh, gaze lowering to your lap, where you’re fiddling with your hands. Should you tell her? You should probably tell her.

“I like girls, you know.”

It’s quiet for so long that you need to look up at Ellie to make sure she’s still there, still listening. And she is; her eyes are glued to you, wide in disbelief.

“What?” You feel like a bug under a microscope with her looking at you like that. “Is it that hard to believe?”

Ellie shakes her head emphatically. “No, no - it’s not. I just didn’t expect that.”

She turns away to finish rolling the joint, twisting the very end of the paper until it forms a little point. “Guess you’re just full of surprises, huh, cherry?”

You bite your lip to stifle a smile, but Ellie sees it anyway.

“So who’s the lucky girl?” She asks, rummaging through her pocket until she finds her lighter. You watch Ellie spark the joint, the twisted end catching fire until the cherry starts to glow. Ellie takes a few puffs and the scent of smoke tickles your nose.

“I’d prefer not to say,” you tell her, chewing on the inside of your lip. Your nerves are off the wall; you’re so anxious that the joint in Ellie’s slender fingers is suddenly tempting.

Ellie scoffs. “Boring.”

She looks up at you as she flicks ash off the end of the joint, and when she notices you eyeing it, her brows lift.

“Want some? Will that make you spill?”

You huff a nervous laugh, toying with the ends of your hair. “No… I don’t know. Maybe?”

Ellie whoops, her free hand curling into a fist of victory. “Fuck yeah. Here, take it.”

She offers you the joint and you take it, but not without a moment or two of hesitation. You will the anxiety away with the thought that you probably won’t feel anything. Ellie watches as you bring the joint to your lips and inhale, praying you won’t cough and make a fool of yourself. Especially not with Ellie watching so intently.

By the grace of some kind of divine being, you don’t cough. Your throat tickles, and you feel emboldened to take one more hit, letting the smoke fill your lungs. You imagine your body relaxing, the knot in your stomach unwinding. You hand the joint back to Ellie and she takes a puff of her own, her lips curled into the faintest little smirk.

“So…” Ellie trails off expectantly.

“God, you’re persistent,” you groan. She just peers at you knowingly from behind a veil of smoke.

“There’s not much to tell,” you say. “I’ve had a crush on this girl for a while now, but I don’t think she feels the same.”

“Have you asked her?” Ellie prompts, flicking ash off the joint.

You shake your head. “No way.”

“Then,” Ellie pauses to take another hit, “how do you know she doesn’t feel the same?”

You should be feeling anxious with her drilling you like this - you know you should. Usually, you’d be retreating into yourself with every prodding question Ellie asks. But all you feel now is yearning; there’s an ache in your chest that only she can remedy. And, clearly, Ellie’s clueless about it.

You don’t want her to be clueless, you realize.

The words leave your lips before you can think better of them. “Do you, Ellie?”

Her brows knit together, forming a crease that you’ve memorized by now - like every other freckle and wrinkle on her face. “Huh? Do I what?”

You reach for the joint and she yields it without question.

“Do you feel the same about me?”

The weed has certainly helped with your nerves, you think, watching Ellie’s expression shift from confusion to realization. Her plush lips part, but all that comes out is a series of stammers and false sentence starts: “I—you—what?”

Fuck it, you think. You stretch out to reach the nightstand beside Ellie’s bed, leaving the joint in one of the ashtray’s notches. A steady stream of smoke ribbons upward from the fading cherry.

“Ellie,” you start, settling back into your place on the rug. You look at her to find her already staring at you, blinking. “It’s you. I have a crush on you. It’s been—”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Ellie interjects, voice softer than you’d expected.

You blink. “I didn’t want to ruin our friendship, I guess. And you always talked about other girls, so I thought you just… Weren’t interested.”

“Cherry.” Ellie sits up on her knees so she can get closer to you, the sleeves of her oversized flannel slipping down to her forearms as she reaches out and grabs your face. Her touch is gentle but firm, insistent. You can feel the callouses on her fingers against your skin, her thumbs brushing up against your cheekbones, and the air is suddenly so thin you can hardly inhale.

“I have… I’ve had feelings for you for so long. So fucking long, cherry.” Ellie’s gaze is intense, eyes boring into you. You feel exposed, raw, alive with something electric.

You stare right back at her, frozen in her grasp.

“But you were always talking about other girls,” you say. Doubt lingers in the back of your head; this is too good to be true. Right?

“I know, fuck, I’m sorry,” Ellie sighs. “I thought you weren’t interested in me. Thought it was hopeless, y’know? My perfect best friend having feelings for me? Unreal.”

One of Ellie’s hands smooths over your hair; it’s something she’s done plenty of times before, but it feels different now. More intimate, with your shared confessions between you.

“Wanna know something?” Ellie asks then plows on, not really waiting for an answer, “I stopped hooking up with other girls a while ago. I just… Couldn’t.”

You nod in understanding. Your eyelids feel heavy all of the sudden, each blink heavier than the last.

“They weren’t you,” Ellie adds.

They weren’t you, her words echo in your mind.

“Ellie,” you breathe. Her face is impossibly close; you can pick out every detail of her face. Each pore, each freckle, each fleck of brown in her green eyes. You can smell the weed smoke on her breath.

“Cherry,” she responds, voice hushed just as low as yours. “Cherry. Can I kiss you?”

“God, yes,” you practically whine.

When Ellie kisses you for the first time, she tastes like relief.

Her lips are soft and insistent against yours, the pad of her thumb warm against your cheek as you lean in closer to kiss her back. It’s like time has gone still; the hum of the speaker on Ellie’s dresser fades away, as does the sound of the winter winds hissing and whooshing against the window. All you know is Ellie: her hand slipping down the length of your back to grab your hip, her mouth hot and needy against yours. It’s a desperate sort of kiss, one that you’d both been yearning for, and months of pining drain from your mouth to hers, then back again.

You’re not sure if you’d been kissing for seconds or hours when Ellie finally breaks away, gasping.

“Fuck,” she whispers. The tip of her nose brushes against your cheek, then your nose. “We should stop, before I…”

She trails off but you know exactly what she’d left unsaid. And your stomach flips in response; the mere thought of what else Ellie might do with her mouth has your cunt throbbing.

Ellie’s hand leaves your hip and it’s like she’s left a burn there - one shaped like her touch, a scathing outline on your skin.

“I don’t want to stop,” you find the courage to admit.

You’re not sure who makes the first move this time - only that you’re kissing again, swallowing Ellie’s pleased moans as your tongue prods between her lips. You gasp and pant into each other’s mouths, hands roaming on newly discovered skin; Ellie’s hands slip beneath your tee, her palms hot against your abdomen, your hips, your lower back. When her fingers find the clasp of your bra and unfasten it, you practically shiver with anticipation, back arching into her touch.

“Whoa there,” Ellie laughs, nudging her nose against yours. You go in for another kiss, annoyed that she’d stopped, but she pulls back. “You’re sure you want this, cherry?”

“Please,” you say, taking advantage of the moment to pull your shirt over your head and set it aside. You toss your bra into the growing pile, turning back to Ellie to find her gaping at you.

“Christ,” she says, licking her lips, “you’re fucking perfect.”

She gives you one last heated kiss before her mouth moves to your jawline, then the column of your neck, where she leaves a trail of wet kisses. She sucks on a spot right on the crook of your neck, just shy of leaving a hickey, and your toes fucking curl.

Ellie only gives a low hum of approval at your reaction before she’s moving lower, lower. Her kisses cover your breasts, every inch of skin worshipped by her lips until she finally takes a peaked nipple into her mouth. You feel her tongue swirl against the sensitive bud and you nearly cry from the pleasure, one hand flying up to knot into her hair and tug.

Her gaze moves up to meet yours, and your cunt tightens again at the look of unbridled desire in her eyes - her lids are heavy, too, but you can’t tell if it’s from the weed or sheer lust. Maybe both, you’re not sure, but you don’t have much time to consider it before Ellie’s moving to your other nipple, tongue laving against the taut flesh before she closes her mouth around it and sucks. A ragged moan tears from your throat and you tense, tugging again at the locks of Ellie’s hair in your fist.

She leaves your nipples flushed and sensitive, shining with saliva, and you’re suddenly very aware of the layers of clothes separating you from her. Separating the wetness of your cunt from hers, the bony curve of her hips from your needy mouth. You need those layers gone.

“Ellie,” you whine, pulling at the collar of her flannel.

“Shh, I know,” she coos, voice dripping with syrupy sweet lust. “Why don’t you get on the bed for me, hm?”

You nod and oblige, but not without stopping to slip out of your jeans. You leave your panties on because, well, they’re cute. A white lace thong with a tiny, silky pink bow just below your navel - Ellie’s eyes linger there as she stands at the edge of the bed, unbuckling her belt and stepping out of her cargos. You can feel the wet patch on your panties as you press your thighs together and watch her undress. She’s always been on the thinner side, but as she slides off her flannel and pulls her sports bra over her head, you realize that she’s much more toned than you’d imagined. Her arms flex with each movement and her abdomen is clearly taut with muscle; every inch of new skin she reveals only adds to the agonizing desire churning in your stomach.

Luckily, she seems just as eager as you are. She’s still in a pair of oversized plaid boxers when she grabs hold of your hips and yanks you toward the edge of the bed, pulling your knees apart so she can see what’s between them.

“Look at you,” she says, eyes wide at the sight of your soaked panties. “I didn’t realize you were so needy, cherry. Should’ve let me take care of you sooner.”

Her words send another gush of arousal flooding from your cunt, your stomach twisting. “‘M sorry, Ellie.”

“Don’t be sorry,” she says, lowering herself onto her knees before you. Her fingers hook beneath the lace of your panties to pull them down, leaving them in a crumpled heap on the rug.

Her face sinks between your legs, and the first stroke of her tongue against your folds makes you shiver with relief.

“Oh my god,” you gasp. Ellie moans against your pussy, tongue splitting through your folds, spreading your wetness with every swipe and lick. Your back arches involuntarily, your toes curling in sheer pleasure.

She laps at your cunt like a woman starving, hot tongue drawing circles around your puffy clit. It’s maddening, the way she knows exactly what you need, speeding up and slowing down in accordance with your moans and sighs and whimpers. You’ve never felt so close so quickly, but you don’t want it to stop - her mouth is magic between your legs, and as you hurtle towards your orgasm, she slips a finger into your clenching hole. You nearly scream.

“Ellie,” you moan shakily, your thighs tightening on both sides of her head. “Ellie, I’m gonna…”

She just moans again, mouth working at your clit while her finger sinks in and out of your cunt. She adds another not long after and it’s hardly a stretch with how wet you are. You’re trembling with every stroke of her tongue against your clit, and soon enough, you feel yourself slipping off the edge into oblivion. Your orgasm tears through you like never before, hot and electric, every muscle tensing as Ellie finger-fucks you through every wave of pleasure. Eventually, you push the heel of your hand against her forehead, too overstimulated for her to keep sucking at your too-sensitive clit. She pulls back and sits on her heels, fingers leaving the tight grip of your cunt as she wipes her mouth with her other hand. Your slick covers her from the nose down, the shining evidence of how good she’d made you feel.

“So fucking pretty when you come,” Ellie tells you, standing up and lifting a knee onto the bed beside you. Her hair is a mess, you’d made sure of it, but she doesn’t seem to notice or care.

“Think you’ve got a few more for me?” She smiles at you, wolfish and wicked, and her hand moves to grope at one of your tits.

“Mm,” you hum, reaching out for her. “Only if you have a few for me.”

When she’s close enough, you slip your hand between Ellie’s legs, your fingers brushing through sparse curls to find the heat of her folds. She’s soaked, you realize with self-satisfaction, your tongue swiping over your lower lip.

This will be fun.

[ariundercovers]

Bad Man (joel miller x afab!fem!reader)

Words: ~1.2k

Summary: Joel was a bad man. Neither of you gave a single fuck about it. (there's nothing here but pure filth. i am not sorry nor will i apologize. it spewed out of my brain and now here you be)

Warnings: 18+ only, rough sex, unprotected p in v, ass slapping, neck grabbing, bruising mentioned, girthy age gap, slightly toxic internal thoughts/monologue

masterlist here

You’re not sure how you got into this position, got to this place.

Well… actually, that’s a lie.

You’re pretty sure of it, if you’re being honest with yourself, and it has everything to do with Joel’s big fucking mouth and his stupid, flirty personality. It has even more to do with his perfect, stupid, glorious tongue and his frustratingly fat cock.

The speckled gray hair and the crow’s feet at his eyes were just the icing on top of the cake for you, really. A well-worn man with just as worn hands, willing to use them to deliver all of the pain and pleasure you could possibly ask for. He fucks, and he fucks well. He fucks like someone who’s lived an entire life, knows exactly what he wants, and takes it. Every time.

It’s all that you can think about, all that you can manage to do as he spears his hips into you from behind, nearly knocking the wind out of your chest with every thrust.

Joel was a bad man. A very, very bad man. 

And you fucking loved him for it.

Every grunt you hear from behind you spurs you on a little further, makes your core get a little bit wetter, until you feel beads of sweat start to drip from his body and onto your back. You cry out for him as the fingers of one hand dig bruisingly into your hip, and the palm of the other takes turns slapping at each of your asscheeks until you’re sure they’re a bright, stinging red with the heat you can feel radiating off of them already. 

There’s nothing in your mind, nothing in your body, but Joel. Joel everywhere.

He stops his smacks, but not his thrusts, and grips you tightly at the nape of your neck, shoving your face down into the couch beneath you. He holds you there, barely enough room to get a breath in between your cheek and the cushion, but the new angle makes you absolutely see stars. You cry out for him, fingers digging into the couch as you try to find purchase anywhere you can manage.

You feel like your insides are on fire - and so are your asscheeks - everything is, really, because Joel is all over you and inside of you and everywhere and everything and it was so fucking perfect you could cum just from the thought of it all. 

You were sure this was what heaven must feel like. Did you make him feel just as good? He hisses behind you and you feel another rush of slick to your core as you think about it. 

This, right here, was heaven. You knew it. You didn’t need to die to get there, and hell, you surely knew Joel wouldn’t be coming with you, anyway. So this would be enough. You’d let Joel bring a little piece of heaven to you, just like this, anytime he wanted to. You’d never say no to him.

And the thing is, you were right. Joel was a bad man. A very, very bad man. And he knew it. He just didn’t care.

With Ellie leaving and Tommy off to start his own family, what else did he have left? Who cares if he started fucking the little stable girl, young and perky and pliant and willing… all for him, any night of the week?

Could you really blame him for not giving a rat’s ass about what anyone else thought?

Maria would have his head if she knew, probably chastise him for being a dirty old man, call him a pervert or a cradle robber or something even worse.

You were legal, though. At least legal to the standards of 2003… legality ain’t much of a thing, these days.

He grunts heavily above you, staring down at you like you’re some kind of magic, materialized beneath his hands. Your fucking skin is just so fucking soft… Not hard and war-torn like his. And your hands… Oh the way your soft, gentle hands make him feel when they’re wrapped around his cock. Don’t even get him started on your fucking perky, perfectly pouty lips. He might as well have a heart attack and go to heaven each time you wrap your lips around his length.

So, fuck it. He wants this. Damn near feels like, after all this time, maybe, just maybe, he even deserves it. Deserves a warm cunt to sink himself into at the end of the day, a perky set of tits to play with, a smiling face that calls out for him not in stress or frustration but in pleasure.

Yeah. He wants it. He really, really fucking wants it. And he’s gonna take it - and keep taking it - over and over again until you’ve had your fill of him or until he drops dead in the process. He’s gonna take you every way he possibly can.

With the most mental clarity he’s had since that moment in the hospital with Ellie, Joel’s hips stutter for a moment as his breath catches in his throat. It’s just a second - barely a blip - but you notice. Of course you fucking notice. You start to turn your head back to him as if to ask him about it, but he just keeps fucking you relentlessly into the couch, never giving you a moment to even breathe, let alone ask a question.

He keeps your face pressed down into the cushions beneath you, and one of his broad arms wraps around your waist, a single calloused finger rubbing softly at your swollen nub. It takes very few moments of his touch at your clit to send you spiraling into oblivion, your back arching violently away from him as he continues to pound into you, both hands resting at each hip. His fingertips dip into your hip bones as he pulls you up and down on his cock, bouncing you off of his thighs with each thrust. He doesn’t give you a moment to think, let alone come down from the high of your orgasm, until he can feel the familiar tightening in his balls, slamming into you once - twice - three more times before he’s pulling out of you just in time to splatter his hot cum all over your well-abused ass. 

The pearly white beads of his cum nearly sparkle across the reddened skin of your ass cheeks and he groans in satisfaction as he catches his breath, loving the look of you painted with his seed. His. 

His. 

The possessive, needy demon comes out in him as he slaps his hand down against your reddened ass one more time and smears his cum all the way across your backside.

“You’re fucking mine, little girl. You understand me?”

You mewl, eyes shutting tightly as you press your ass back into the touch of his hands. He’ll be gentle with you later when you’re alone upstairs, buried under the sheets, where it’s safe and he’s sure no one’s watching. His shell will crack and you’ll get a little glimpse into his miserable broken insides, but not now. Not yet. 

Now, he’s all sharp edges and teeth, rough and raw and oh-so Joel.

He slaps your ass again, smearing his cum across your back before raking his nails sharply down your spine.

You wouldn’t have it any other way.

~ ~ ~

A/N: if you liked it, PLEASE leave a comment and/or a reblog! your interactions are literally the fuel to my fire! Love you all! xoxoxo

[cabinseventheaterchick]

Portrait done by the incredibly talented @apollos-coolest-child

Oh, hi! Didn’t see you see there. I’m Kat Carter!

Okay, lemme think… I’m fifteen, daughter of Apollo currently at Camp Half-Blood with my homies <3

When I’m not at camp, NYC is my home base. You can probably find me in Apollo cabin: practicing monologues/songs, scrolling Tumblr for fellow demigods, trying not to pine over Ellis Wakefield, running from his insane brother (Sherman Yang), or making mug brownies.

he gets his own category:

@ellis--wakefield — my boyfriend <333

he’s really cute and he’s great at capture the flag and he’s nice to the newbies and damn he’s just idk how to even describe him ‘cause words cannot

Former… um… let’s just say people I used to know:

@lukemessedup — Good boss, bad business

@lieutenant-of-kronos — I regret letting him convince me to join up but he’s a nice guy.

@alabaster-c-t — Yep. You read that right. Bro is apparently not dead, nor has ever been.

@the-song-of-the-moon — We’re starting an ex-Titan Army therapy group together :3

@the-lord-of-time — Literally cannot believe I’m writing this. I’m working on making him a good person, hopefully.

@existence-is-pain-ahhhhhhhh — need I say more? He’s awesome. Case closed.

@the-better-castellan — new addition to the List Of People Who Aren’t Dead After All! They’re cool trust me

@peyton-is-cool — I missed him loads. Thank the gods he’s safe—he’s been in Texas? I guess?

Totally irresponsible pseudo-father to half of CHB (he does actually care about campers but he’s got a reputation to uphold):

@dionysus-god-of-all-things-wine

My fellow campers, love y’all:

@thanatoss-favorite-demigod — best murder road trip buddy a gal could ask for

@thehadescabincounsler — I’ve adopted them into Apollo cabin. They’re now officially an honorary child of the Sun Dude.

@thatonebitheaterkid — my sibling. too many pets (affectionate)

@that-dam-daughter-of-poseidon — my absolute bestie <3

@poseidons-favourite-daughter — training together ⚔️! She’s so sweet and a year rounder so I won’t be alone come fall

@yes-im-a-daughter-of-hades — she just got back from Tartarus, so you know what that means!… binge watching everything pop culture. Phineas and Ferb say what?

@lady-ariadne-of-milan — my coolest big sister. Be nice, she’s been trapped as a flower since, like, the Renaissance.

@bill-son-of-boreas — Ayyy! My Norwegian bestie!

@internal-bloodshed — I’m like ninety percent sure he wants me dead. If I step a toe out of line and hurt Ellis, my body will apparently never be found.

@the-better-stoll-brother — If anyone messes with him one more time I’m throwing hands.

Shoot me an ask, camp can get kinda boring!

(Psst. My general tag is #kat carter on the case, and my lore tag is #from the archives of kat carter)

(Extra psst. Do you want more Kat Carter content without actually having to roleplay? Send me an ask by picking something from my tag #ask game!)

[ellabsprincess]

Can you do an Ellabs no reader drabble for their early mornings?

I think Ellie would be the type to love her sleep and always want to sleep in, and Abby would be the type to be more regimented and have an early morning routine, leaving her to be the one to wake a grumpy, tired Ellie up all the time. i think abby would know how to cook too, so she would make her breakfast a lot.

The odd times where Abby wants to sleep in, Ellie would wake up before her and want her attention and get all needy… 🥰

𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫'𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞: i'm literally so sorry this took so long babes and OKAY i know y'all wanted "a better use for that mouth" first but i am struggling to put together a plot and i feel a little stuck on that fic so please accept this ellabs fic first

𝐌𝐎𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐆𝐋𝐎𝐖 - 𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐛𝐬

𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: 18+, very suggestive (not really any explicit smut), talk of thigh riding, fluffy and sappy ellabs stuff, ellie being a needy little shit (affectionate), firefighter!abby, VERY BRIEF mommy kink, dom!abby + sub!ellie dynamic, NO READER INSERT

ellie's eyes flutter open, her vision blurry and obscured. her world seems fuzzy, but as she blinks a few more times, the bed beneath her comes into view. abby's side of the bed is neatly made, tucked and folded to perfection, her pillows fluffed and plump as if they've never even been slept on.

a radiant beam of sunshine has cast itself over the eggshell-colored sheets, illuminating the room via the skylight above the large bed. as ellie comes to her senses, taking in the peace and tranquility of the quiet saturday morning, she notices the smell of sweetness and the sound of crackling, cooking meat, coming from the kitchen. it's not really a surprise. abby is an early riser, a gym rat who gets up entirely too early to get a workout in while her precious girlfriend is still asleep. she must have come home hungry from building up her physique, and decided to make breakfast.

ellie follows the enticing smells out of the bedroom, throwing the bedsheets off of herself and trailing the scent of sweetness like an old-timey cartoon cat enticed by the smell of fresh-cooked turkey.

she feels a bit pathetic, walking into the living room with her messy bed head and her pajamas astray. on the other hand, abby is a sight to be seen in the kitchen, covered in a light, glistening sheen of sweat from her workout, her cheeks still slightly pink from exertion. her arm and leg muscles flexing as she moves with the grace of a ballet dancer around the kitchen, working to prepare a hearty meal. and of course, her signature braid is completely in tact, not a single loose hair visible.

ellie clears her throat, trying to clear all of her body of her remaining confusing and annoying morning grogginess. abby whips around, slightly started by the sight of ellie.

"oh hey baby, didn't expect you to be up so early! was gonna surprise you with some breakfast in bed."

ellie smiles, awake enough to acknowledge the sweetness and kindness of abby's actions. her tired brain still feels like a combination of syrup and tv static inside her head, so she only gives a soft whine in response, but abby understands.

abby knows their dynamic well by now. ever since they moved in, it's been the same routine almost every morning. she wakes up before the crack of dawn, hits the gym and clears her head, and then comes home to her sleepy girlfriend still curled up in bed, often laying spread out like a beached starfish and breathing in abby's signature pine scent still lingering on the sheets.

but abby doesn't mind. no, she loves the opposing dynamic of her relationship, and she adores that ellie loves to sleep in, when the perfectionist side of abby makes her get up and work on herself most days. she loves her carefree ellie. she needs that energy to balance out her own internal monologue that always begs her to do everything perfectly. she needs her ellie.

ellie trudges towards the kitchen, dragging her feet against the soft, plush rug of the living room as she blindly makes her way towards her girlfriend. she rubs her eyes, desperately trying to rub the last of the sleep away. reaching the kitchen island, she pulls out a barstool and plops down with a soft thunk, resting her head in her hands and gazing at abby. at the sound of ellie's tiredness and careless state, abby smirks. she adores these lazy mornings with her girlfriend more than anything.

sure, she likes to be taken care of herself, but it feels nice to be a provider for ellie, and to make her food and take care of her when her brain is too tired and sleepy to let her do anything by herself.

after a few more minutes of shuffling around the kitchen, abby finally plates the breakfast. an omelet, stuffed with proteins and flavorful herbs, and a small side smoothie bowl full of fresh fruits and sweet grains, just dripping with sweet honey nectar.

ellie almost drools at the plate in front of her, of course plated and staged to perfection, as abby wouldn't have it any other way. the fruit of the smoothie bowl making a perfect symmetrical spiral, the herbs placed so delicately on top of the omelet. abby was typically rough with her hands, working as a firefighter, but she had a deep appreciation for the arts, and loved to express herself through culinary means.

placing a strong hand on ellie's upper back, abby gracefully slides into the seat next to ellie, her own edible artwork sitting in front of her.

"i love you baby," abby says, almost a whisper.

"love you abs, thank you for taking care of me," ellie responds, slightly mumbling in her lethargic state.

"always ellie. anything for my best girl."

and so they sit in peaceful silence, the room only filled with the sounds of birds chirping outside the slightly ajar kitchen window, and the soft clinks and chinks of their silverware on their plates, and the quiet clunks of their glasses reconnecting with the counter after a sip of refreshing water.

it's nothing much, just a simple breakfast together as a couple. but it's that moment of peace that's everything to them.

THE NEXT MORNING

"abby c'mon"

"abby"

"abbyyyyy"

"mommy?"

abby's eyelids flutter open at the nickname. it's only barely light in the bedroom, just a few gentle sun rays streaming in through the windows.

as abby comes to her senses, she realizes that ellie is curled up against her front, nuzzled into her broad chest. she's letting out muffled little mewls and whines among the desperate pet names. abby also realizes with a raise of her eyebrows that ellie's legs are wrapped around one of abby's muscular thighs, leaving ellie's clothed cunt perfected placed among the mountain of ridged muscle.

"oh poor baby, you woke up needy els?" abby coos.

"mhm, need you mommy." ellie pleads, hiding her face in the middle of abby's chest.

abby chuckles. "well then go ahead baby, grind the drooling cunt against mommy's thigh."

it seems that every once in a while, they liked to change up their routine. after all, who doesn't enjoy a bit of morning fun?

𝐭𝐚𝐠𝐬: @m-3-ijiworld @seraqhites @uraesthete @hehatesmati @letsreadsomesins-shallwe @elliespookie @dropsofs4turn @millersaurora @jjmaybankslittleslut @amitycat @digit4lslut @dykefromstatefarm @inlovewithelliewilliams @hi2647 @kissesskittens @elliewilliamsthang @franreadss @findingds @slut4ellienabby @lllijeu @zahraaziza @lias-writings @thelastofrowie @feelsoseencantdream @shaemonyou @limerenze @zethd @xnoviee @elliewilliamsfuckbuddy

𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐧𝐚 𝐣𝐨𝐢𝐧 𝐦𝐲 𝐭𝐚𝐠𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭? 𝐜𝐥𝐢𝐜𝐤 𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞

[puhpandas]

i think this one line actually does a lot for showing us how rocky ggy trios group is.

a lot of ppls first impressions while reading GGY are "wow, ellis and gregory are really bad friends. they just shrug off all Tonys interests and make him do everything on his own." and that is true and is a big part of their relationships

but also this line i think shows us blatantly how Tony is in the wrong too. yeah, Ellis and Gregory (though he gets a pass. hes literally being mind controlled) make Tony feel like they dont care about his interests and are fine with him running off and wont care if hes gone, and they'll change his work without caring about how he feels about it,

But to be fair, Tony is always so in his head about everything, and he has never mentioned telling his friends about these issues to fix them. Tony, in always being so focused on his internal monologuing and whatever obsession of the week hes found, never bothers to tell his friends how he feels about the things he doesnt like that they do.

so of course ellis and gregory would have no idea.

this line also applies to what i said. "tony hates that they always assume he'll do the work" but then he does all the work with no complaining. he never says that he doesnt like that, and on top of that he does exactly what ellis thinks he'll do.

Ellis is basically saying that Tony always runs off without them to do something himself. Tony is always so in his own head, he doesnt wait for his friends if they want to put off the story another day, and will go off without them every time.

of course Ellis is in thr wrong too, but i would also be annoyed if my friend ran off first hour for a 'group' project just to get it done faster without them. and it seems from Ellis' experience, he doesnt bother trying to join in later becasue by that time Tony already has a whole thing gotten into his brain that Ellis isnt included in (which is literally true. tony did do that in the book)

i wouldnt be suprised if Ellis (and gregory) changed GGY because its like a way of getting back at Tony. Ellis is frustrated with how he'll run off and start the story without him and then turn around and get mad when he isnt involved with its creation, so he just does this. immature? yeah. but Ellis is 12 and Tony is also 12 but tries so hard to be older.

and that makes him distance himslef from Ellis canonically. he talks about how hes frustrated with how Ellis is content to stay acting his age but Tony is starting to 'grow up', and he wonders how much longer they'll be friends. but with this in mind and how Tony handles conflicts with his friends its kinda clear that wow he is not mature enough to actually work through these issues

Tony gets defensive a lot of the time, and if Ellis challenged him and confronted Tony and talked about how he never tells them these things and gets mad when they arent mind readers like Tony believes himself is, Tony would take that as ellis telling him hes immature (because he would be) and would get pissed

but back to the Mr Rabbit thing, all of this is shown in this one line. Tony also never listens to his friends or takes them seriously, and he distances himself from them (which he then gets mad about them not being involved over) and then doesnt care enough to get Gregorys num de plume right. (even if Mr. Rabbit was something petty to get back at gregory because of tonys frustrations, once again goes towards how tony is more immature than he thinks he is)

i have lots of thoughts about these three and how their relationships could work, but this is an analysis on their strictly book characters with no fanon. of course theres a lot of potential with these three if the events of the book go differently (gregory is never mind controlled and is actually there as himself to resolve these issues, or tony doesnt die in ggy and has a wake up call later on that he acts on and apologizes + changes, or gregory goes missing and tony survives and he changes as a person going through that (and when gregory comes back later on)), so i think resolving their relationship issues within different scenarios is really interesting

[elliespuns]

So I'm watching this video with Ashley Johnson (Ellie's actress) playing TLOU: Left Behind on a live cam and there's the photobooth scene where Ellie & Riley share this awkwardly cute look together which has always been a key moment for players to make them realize that there has probably always been something more to them than just being friends.

And after this moment they share together, Riley's the one to break the silence asking Ellie: "You wanna keep exploring?" and Ellie originally goes like: "Hell yeah!" but then there's Ashley speaking for Ellie instead: "No, I wanna stay in this photobooth with you and make out." And it was the best thing I've heard.

Not only Ashley rooting for Ellie & Riley's relationship being a fan herself. But also Ashley speaking with Ellie's voice providing what should have been Ellie's internal monologue in that scene. Priceless.

[dootznbootz]

Heyyyyyyyy dootz (I’m sorry it won’t happen again but that’s what my internal monologue refers to you as and it makes me laugh every time)

Got any fun house of Atreus headcanons?

It's okay! I don't mind being called Dootz :D It's fun! *headbonks back*

I actually don't know much about them other than basics. :'( As I've been an idiot that basically went "Okay, stop reading 6 different translations of the Odyssey and more Euripedes, and get your FIC DONE. STOP READING OTHER SHIT AND GETTING DISTRACTED!" (which has actually kind of worked 👀 I've actually been writing!!!)

But I have a LOT on Menelaus, Anaxibia, and Agamemnon's time at Tyndarius' >:D

I have Helen and Menelaus closer in age, (actually have Menelaus a little bit younger than Helen) and similar to your ideas, he's an incredibly quiet and shy kid after what they went through and just his personality as a whole. I love the thought of them all being childhood friends in a way as it's fun (basing it a bit on all time I spent on the family farm playing with my cousins and other friends. Doing wild shit in the woods and pastures. :P We'll nowadays be giggling and the adults are horrified by the dangerous shit we were doing.) Also it's funny having Odysseus being the ONLY one who didn't grow up with them so he's left out when they all start chatting about silly things they did as kids (kind of delve into it HERE but the ages are probably a bit changed :D )

Agamemnon, being the oldest and protective of his siblings, is...having a rough go of it there. Especially at first. A lot has happened. He's really trying to "save face". Probably will "rewrite" what I have planned for him and Clytemnestra as having her being OLDER than the triplets and not the same age as Helen changes a LOT of things I had figured out but I like that more as that makes it so that Iphiginea actually WORKS. As before I just kind of planned on just letting there be a plothole.

Helen and Menelaus, I have lots of ideas on!! >:D Helen and Menelaus are the definition of "Me and the girl I pulled by being autistic." If you've seen the Pixar Movie "Up" with young Ellie and Carl, THAT WAS THEM as kids. He kind of quietly follows her and helps her while she's just dragging him into dumb things. Helen was kind of a bossy girl growing up

Penelope joins in as well (and is behind some of their dumb ideas), as she's the youngest of her siblings and her cousin's place is where there are more kids to play with. Penelope and Helen are both "Go-getters" so they bicker a bit but also are really close. Anaxibia is older than all of them (other than Agamemnon) It's like Zuko with Toph, Aang, and Katara. Getting along with them but also a "I sometimes keep forgetting that you're a bunch of kids."

They're all reckless in their own way and all have their stupid stories they did as kids. (Menelaus and Penelope are close as well. Why Odysseus eventually asks for Menelaus' help being HIS wingman as well.) I wanna keep some things hidden for spoilers in my fics (How Menelaus and Helen get together and Theseus' kidnapping for example) and with how I have to plan around Agamemnon and Clytemnestra's rewrite. BUT I'll be sure to let you know when I have that all figured out!!! >:D

[banigarubug]

does anyone have fic recs/a masterlist of ellie calling joel dad/her dad in Any capacity

like first time she says it, uses joel/dad interchangeably, internal monologue about him being her dad, anything . i just love that shit

[penvisions]

garnish {chapter 10}

Pairing: Chef! Joel Miller x Bartender! Reader

Summary: Time doesn't heal all wounds, but it does make the heart grow fonder. You find yourself missing Joel, too stubborn to reach out but Ellie is tired of seeing you both pinning as she navigates classes with you and her homelife with Joel now that she's back in the city.

Word Count: 3.8k

Warnings: canon typical language, reader is a dumb dumb, reader is stubborn and heartbroken, mentions of reader's past, trauma, complicated family dynamics, stressful family dynamics, reader mourns her past relationship with father, verbal abuse (past tense), ellie being a scheming lil shit, language, sexual content, references to sexual relations (past tense), smoking, cigarettes, nicotine, drinking, consumption of alcohol, melancholia, manic depressive internal monologue

A/N: WE DID IT, we made it to the end!! i've never finished a fic before so this is all so exciting and a little terrifying, to be honest. i hope hope hope that i've done this lil au justice, with it growing a mind and story line of its own i never even planned for somewhere around chapter five. but we did it and i am proud of this lil one and maybe self-indulged a lot with my own birthday on the 17th! please tell me your thoughts!! a HUGE thank you to everyone that interacted with this. y'all made this possible by engaging with me and inspiring me to continue on even when my own brain was working against me ♡

i would love to take prompts for these two dummies to expand their universe and story in the future if anyone is interested? but i'm still getting used to having what little attention my fics are getting and i dunno if that would be something people are interested in ♡

ao3 link || series masterlist || main masterlist || ko-fi

“Well, you certainly have the enthusiasm, Ellie.” A smile passed over the desk, fingers curled over her application and subsequent documentation. She had already graduated from her Boston school at the end of the previous spring semester, already set up to TA for a favorite professor of hers in the new year after a successful first year of doing so for another. But she had a pending application for a secondary degree. One here in Austin. 

Her life laid out in front of you once she had begun school, having applied and gotten into an art program in England right out of high school, something she had gushed about excitedly for a few moments when you asked her about it. Sure, you had talked about it in passing over shared meals both in the comforting environment of father’s home and while out getting coffee that had developed as a regular occurrence any time she was in town.

She was only four years younger than you, both her and Sarah. So driven and excited about this time in their lives. Sarah having relocated to work for a company that fought for her attention and hire after a phenomenal performance in communications and social work out in California. Both supported and shown love in a way that used to make anger and jealousy flair up in you, but that you now saw as a blessing for those who had that kind of nurturing environment to flourish in.

“I just…the perspective of art and language of art you’re trying to explore is really fuckin’ interesting. I know it doesn’t necessarily fall in line with my focus of studies, but-“

“Classes that interest you are just as important as those that help along your degree.”

“And dad said that I could go for it, said if it’s what I want, he’ll help me in any way he can.”

“Ellie, it would be a pleasure to have you take part in the program. There is a two semester commitment, I will remind you. And the application you submitted for Austin is still pending. But if you’re on board, I can sign my approval and walk it over to the admissions office when we’re done here.”

“I was…actually going to see if you could give me a ride back to the house…dad was in a hurry when my car wouldn’t start, and I left my keys with him so he could take a look at it.”

“Oh,” Your bottom lip was between your teeth, nervousness taking ahold of you. “Um, well-“

“I totally understand not wanting to, but I would feel better going with you than taking a bus or somethin’.”

“It’s okay, I can. But let’s walk this over to admissions and see what we can get in the way of aid first, yeah?”

“Fuck yeah, thank you so much!”

Your class sessions were at nine and lasted for two hours every Tuesday and Thursday. Not wanting to over log the students with a long block of class time on top of all the reading you did end up requiring of them in order to participate in the discussions. Only two days a week to allow for some leeway with the readings on top of the other responsibilities you were all to familiar with. You had explained to Ellie once her application had been switched over from pending to accepted.

You did miss the social aspect of working at the restaurant, the different foods and drinks you could try on a whim, the ability to get as much or as little human interaction as you wanted. But…you had made a choice to leave it behind. For good. Focusing finally on the things that you wanted to do for the rest of your life and a plethora of memories and stories of a time now past.

And Joel….you missed Joel.

But you were stubborn, sure that the man wanted to wash his hands of you after never getting a response.

Ellie was banging her head along to the tape that had been stuck in the trucks deck for years now. An old one from your childhood, one of the only things you father had intentionally gifted you. His love of music something you shared despite the rift and space created between you both. Your birthday up until you moved resulting in a gift card to the local record shop and a few tapes or CDs he wanted to share with you.

The younger girl belted out the lyrics, the loose strands of her hair whipping around from the cracked windows. You sang along with her, though not as loud, indulging her despite the ache that had settled in your bones. Having overthought yourself into a weird mood before class.

Suddenly the music faltered before the warbling completely as the ribbon inside began to loosen from the spool and hang out from the deck.

“Shit, that’s not good.” Ellie lamented as she reached forward to push the play button in to pause the music. She hit the ejection button and carefully pulled the tape from the mouth of the player. Her charcoal stained fingers spinning the spools one at a time to wind the ribbon back where it should be. A few moments later and she was reloading it and pushing play but the speakers only crackled before the tape ejected itself.

“Damn, it died.”

You didn’t say anything, thoughts a whirlwind as you panicked over loosing the last tangible connection you had with your estranged father. If she picked up on your tense silence, Ellie didn’t comment on it, leaving the tape hang half out the deck and moving to use the radio for the remainder of the ride.  

The house looked the same, Joel’s house, nestled to the side of a small cul-de-sac. The neighborhood calm and quiet in the early afternoon.

The graying curls you would recognize anywhere peaked from where Ellie’s care was being inspected by Joel laid out on a roller underneath the carriage. The hood was propped open and a giant tool storage cabinet had been wheeled closer to the opening of the garage. She bounded up to him, talking too fast for you to make anything out from the curb.

But Joel must’ve been able to decipher at least some of it because his gaze turned to you, oil staining one of his cheeks and his chest puffing up with a deep breath.

You felt your own breath catch low in your throat, a lump of air making it hard to breathe.

You drove off with your heart hammering in your chest.

It was now February, the dreaded holiday of the month approaching and your birthday right along with it. A shame, that such a day overshadowed any plans you had once made. The holiday taking precedent with prefix menus that brought in generous tips from happy couples and friends. But this year, this year you could do whatever you wanted.

Stay in, go out, order takeaway, drown yourself in fancy truffles. Whatever you wanted. But the weight in your heart didn’t have you all too keen for the day to arrive. Wondering what Joel had decided for his special menu, the drinks Millie worked with Mary on to pair alongside it. Maybe….maybe you could snag a seat at the bar and indulge?

You let the thoughts trail off and focused on grading the papers in front of you. Needing to get them done before your attention was pulled by a movie night with your friends.

You were up at exactly one minute before the clock stuck midnight. Bleary eyes watching the progression of the last sixty seconds before it was officially your birthday. Your phone buzzed with two texts immediately, all camps too much to handle in the early hour. Turning it to silent mode, you turned over and listened to the faint sounds of Sweet Pea playing with a bell down in the living room, hoping sleep would come back to you.

Waking up for a second time was a whirlwind, snooze allowing for you to sleep in until the absolute last minute before you had to get up. Shoving the tube of fabric that was a simple, off the shoulder dress over your head and fluffing up your hair with dry shampoo and you were out the door and headed to the campus.

“Alright, everyone, since I’m feelin’ a little generous today!” You clapped your hands once, noticing Ellie slink in at the last minute before you typically announced the beginning of class. “I’m gonna play a documentary for today- but!”

You interrupted the happy chuckles from the group of about thirty or so individuals you had interviewed and approved for your program. “I will need a paper on the methods used to help identify the remains and artifacts, with your general interpretation of the cultural basis hypothesized from them due next class!”

“Professor, c’mon. It’s my birthday, it’s your birthday: let’s all just take it easy.”

A chorus of, “Is it really your birthday?! Why didn’t you tell us!” rang out across the room. Certain individuals looking genuinely upset that they had missed out on a chance to let you know how much they appreciated you and liked you. It made the ache in your heart lighten just a bit, weird mood about the day waning slightly in their unabashed openness. Ellie was oddly silent, normally one to engage loudly and enthusiastically, her phone in her hand, fingers a blur as she fiddled with it.

“If you really want to do something for me, please, concentrate on the documentary!” You turned your back to the class, booting up the video on your laptop and tugging down the projector screen that was closed and stored up above the whiteboard. Turning the lights off, save for one in the back for them to take notes with, you pressed play and offered one last tidbit before the opening credits rolled, “But it doesn’t hurt to bring a gift card for any local coffee shops.”

“Need a ride today, Ellie?” You asked the lingering girl, slow to pack her bag up once the class had ended and hesitant to disembark from the campus altogether. Her car was in the shop, something needing repair that was beyond Joel’s skill set. As well as a new set of tires they were waiting on to get delivered before installing them. The ones she had for the more intense weather seasons of Boston worn down over the years and needed replacing. You didn’t mind totting the younger girl around, offering her help with proof reading papers and going over terms that didn’t easily stick. Talking about nothing in particular, though Joel had been diligently inside the house or away each time you dropped her off at home, no more awkward glances since your little display of speeding off the first time.

“Was gonna offer to get you a coffee,” She wouldn’t look directly at you, setting you on edge. You were about to ask her if everything was okay when she suddenly swung her bag on her shoulder and faced you. “I’m helping at the restaurant today, assumed you wouldn’t be cool with dropping me off there.”

An hour later, you were both loaded in the car with too expensive coffee drinks and pulling up to the front of the restaurant. You didn’t want to test if you had clearance to park in the employee lot, not sure what would hurt more. The denial of your code beeping or the approval of your code chirping and opening the gate. Sighing, you put shifted into park and let the engine idle.

Ellie seamed to be taking her sweet time once again. Moving slow to collect her things, having hesitantly showed you the project she was working on for one of her art courses. The bell above the front entrance sounded as the door opened and your head snapped up to see Joel walk through it. He paused, holding the door open beside him as he gave a small wave to Ellie and a somber nod to you.

Yous lips lifted at the corners as you noticed the stain of what had to be beets on his otherwise pristine apron, the white of it displaying the dark red in a disturbing way. His other hand was behind his back, shrouded in the shadows of the interior. He shared a hushed work with Ellie as she finally exited the truck and slinked past him with a last wave toward you.

But Joel didn’t follow her inside.

He stepped outside completely. The door closing behind him with a soft thump.

He was walking toward the truck, the passenger window down all the way as Ellie relished in the fresh air before knowing she wouldn’t leave until well past midnight after the rush of the holiday. 

Your fingers dug into the skin of your thighs, dress having ridden up during the drive to expose the tops of them. The sun warm on them as your nails made crescent shapes in their softness, making your anxiety for the world to see. You were otherwise frozen, unsure of what to say, how to talk. He looked so good. Longer hair slicked back, sliver glinting in the sunlight at his temples and in the scruff of his face. A vaguely heart shaped patch where it didn’t grow in too tempting of a sight as you recalled the way it felt to pepper kisses there.

Joel’s eyes flickered down to your mouth as your tongue swiped out to wet your suddenly dry bottom one, his hidden hand finally shifting from behind his back.

You couldn’t help the little gasp that pushed from your chest as a boquet of flowers was revealed to be in his grip.

The colors of it shades of orange, gold, and yellow. A mix of chrysanthemums, sunflowers, and peonies all wrapped in a delicate tissue paper with a white ribbon holding it all together. In the middle of the front of it, there was something shiny.

“Thought it was an emergency, when she started blowing up my phone a few hours ago.” He finally spoke, stepping off the curb and up to the passenger side of the car. He extended the bouquet to you, hiding his face from you for a moment. You were able to make out the shiny thing in the middle.

It was a copy of the tape that had died the first time you had given Ellie a ride home. The one you couldn’t find anywhere online. The one you had almost just ordered a CD or digital version of. The one you had almost reached out to your father to ask about. It was impossible to find, to replace. But it was there, in the middle of a beautiful arrangement of flowers.

A sob suddenly wracked through your body, hands coming up to cup your chin and hold any others in as fat tears fell hot from your eyes.

“Oh no, no – this – this was supposed t’make you smile, darlin’, not burst into tears.” Joel quickly lowered it, moving it out of view of the windows frame and pulling it back behind him. “I’m so sorry, I – I was just trying to do somethin’ nice for ya on your special day.”

You hiccupped as you reached out a hand in a weak wave, wiping at your cheeks with the other.

“No, Joel, it’s…it’s really sweet of you to do this. I just…I don’t deserve it.”

“Of course you do, you deserve everythin’, darlin’.” He reached through the open window and gently placed the bouquet down on the passenger seat. Molasses eyes catching yours as he offered you a weak smile and a nervous display of his fingers slinking his hair back. “Just wanted to do somethin’ for you today. I didn’t know last year and well, this year I do.”

“Joel…”

“Don’t need anything from you, really. They’re for you and that’s that.” He shuffled on his feet, watching as the breeze ruffled your loose hair and the fabric of your dress, sleeves flowing in the wind, the shine of your necklace in the sunshine.

“Thank you, really. I- I appreciate it.” You reached over to tug the cassette from its secure spot. Turning it over in your hands, taking in the scratches on the plastic of the case. The memory of looking over the massive collection he had displayed in one of the guest rooms, the small shelving unit he had made himself to store all the tapes he had previously kept in boxes in the garage. “Joel, this is from your collection, I can’t-“

“You can ‘n I wanted to. Ellie told me yours got ate and I don’t listen to the tapes much these days, just the vinyl.”

Voice gone and heart beating fast, you nodded. Feeling the urge to lean over and pull him into the truck to drive around for hours and listen to the reverent offering in your hands. But he had a holiday menu to get back to and you had a new recipe to try out. Each on their own and in different worlds.

He patted the window sill twice with a wide palm before he was turning away and disappearing back inside. You watched him go, heart urging you to call out to him while your mind told you it wouldn’t ever be that simple again.

Friends had come and gone, sharing dinner and gifts with you. Crappy movies and good liquor, laughs abundant and feelings so alive. The kind of day that reminded you that you were alive and well. The kind of day that made everything else worth it, small moments tiding you over until you could feel like full and bright again.

You stared at the flowers until the alcohol in your system blurred them, the colors running together and dimming as sleep pulled you under in the late hour. The tape playing through to the end before the machine finally shut off, blanketing you in your passed out state.

You would stare at them, as if they were pulling your attention every time you were in the kitchen or the living room. Choosing to hide away in your office or upstairs when you were home where they were out of site. When they began to wilt and dry up, you moved them to the back patio, not able to through them out but not able to reach out to the man who had gifted them to you.  

Finally removing them from the vase and cleaning it out. You bagged them up and left them on the counter to deal with after class. One that went by in the blink of an eye, almost like the day was rushing toward something. Rushing you toward something. The slow thrum of…something deep in your bones as you engaged in the discussion, leading it back to the focal point if it got too off tangent.

The routine of giving Ellie a ride one that hadn’t been prevalent lately since her car had been fixed and the end of the semester rolled around. But today it seemed to be one of the things that time was ushering you toward. Driving Ellie home with post class treat of milkshakes this time, the weather beginning to inch toward the dry heat that was prevalent most of the year.

“Thanks again! See you Thursday, professor!” Ellie hollered over her shoulder as she all but tore out your truck and ran towards the front door. By passing the scene of Joel stood in the driveway, garage open behind him once again.

“I better! You have a final!” You hollered after her, no real malice in your voice.  

She whizzed past Joel who was stood at the front of her car, hood open and engine block exposed to his perplexed expression. His hands were on his hips, a wrench in one and a screwdriver in the other. He was looking down into the exposed parts with a look you couldn’t quite read from the curb but when he spotted Ellie he called after her.

“Babygirl, I don’t see anything wrong with it. You said it was making a rattling sound, yeah?”

“Oh, yeah! A rattling sound.”

“From…where, exactly?” He turned a furrowed brow to her but she was determined to get away from his prying gaze, scurrying off without any more words. Her bag thumping against her shoulders as she rushed toward the door.

You had been so focused on watching her nearly trip over the steps leading to the front door that you didn’t notice Joel rise from his spot tinkering with something on her car and approach the side of yours.

“Hey there,” His cautious voice greeted you too close through the open window.

“Oh jesus, fuck! Joel don’t do that!” You startled so bad the seatbelt locked up and tightened around you, preventing you from taking a deep breath to calm yourself.

“Shit, sorry. Thought you saw me comin’ over.” A sheepish rub of his hand along the back of his neck, had your eyes roaming over the picture he made in the frame of the open window. Perfectly fitted, as if he should be on the inside of the truck beside you instead of standing outside of it. Close, but not close enough.

Quiet fell over the both of you, Joel looking into the cab of the truck, grease and oil marring his beautiful skin and white t-shirt and you gazing just to the right of him, not able to directly do so now that his attention was focused. The words shared between you both, all of the good, all of the bad, and all of the confusing floating in the heavy air between two people who had lived far too much in such a short amount of time. Echoes of everything passing in the charged air between you both.

Your name being uttered had your eyes glancing at his, the sun lighting them up into a bright hue and your heart fluttered in your chest. You held his gaze for a few seconds, heat creeping up your neck from the pulse of warmth that only he could cause filling your chest.

“Alright, well…thanks for bringing Ellie home.” He reached a handout to pat the side of the truck before shoving away.

“Hey, Joel, wait…” You leaned over, hoping that the words in your throat didn’t get stuck. When he turned quickly back to you, there was a hopeful pinch to his features, lips pursed as he waited with bated breath for you to continue. Taking a deep breath, you locked eyes with him again, keeping up the connection. The hope that glinted in them helped the words to flow from you in a quick push.

“Do, um, do you want to grab a coffee sometime?”

previous chapter || end

taglist: @hiddenbabynyc @jessthebaker @clevergirl74 @anavatazes @samiamproductions @76bookworm76 @tuquoquebrute @sarap-77

dividers by the lovely @saradika-graphics

[coeurify]

Perfect pair is so cute 😭😭😭 I love how Ellie’s more of an internal loser rather than external.

Will there be a pt 3?

thank you babyyy and yes perfect pair has been a really fun fic i use to like exploreeee loser ellie but like.. its more jus her anxiety and loserness inside her head. sorta her vibe in the game where outwardly she tries not to come off that way but then u see her notebook and ur like damn SHE A LEWSER! yk what i mean? like a lot practicing characterization of that and her inner monologue ugh idk i love tpp ellie so much

there will be! i’m hoping that come the new year i will focus heavily on the perfect pair and finishing it, i debating taking p1 and 2 down and editing then putting back up when i can schedule updates more frequently but im also proud of the love they’ve gotten so idk :(

[jomiddlemarch]

They do become more real 

“Your mother loved you,” Joel said. 

He’d said it before, but not to this child. The words felt familiar even as everything else around him felt different. And that was before he considered Grace sitting on the couch, very demonstrably going over an inventory for the clinic, a second pen thrust through the bun at the back of her head and forgotten as she checked-off and struck-through and generally made it clear she was Not Listening.

She had a mind like a steel trap, the fiercely hinged jaws of which he now appreciated viscerally and would be able to go over every word of the imminent exchange while they lay together in bed later tonight, the bun taken down, his fingers stroking through her silky hair. The pen would sit in a mason jar in lieu of dried flowers, the only bouquet available in Jackson after the frost.

Right now, though, there was Ellie to attend to.

“You don’t have to like, butter me up about it. It’s fine, I’m fine,” Ellie said, shrugging for good measure so he would Get It. Joel wasn’t exactly sure when the women in his life had started requiring capitalized verbs in his relatively laconic internal monologue, but he wasn’t about to argue with it. 

“Anyone says that’s lyin’,” he replied. It was risky, talking about lies with Ellie, given what he’d told her about what happened in Salt Lake, but he’d started to figure she didn’t always tell him the truth and the world they were in wasn’t one where the truth was critical to survival. Loyalty, kindness, a sure hand on a trigger or holding a knife would all beat out honesty and he wouldn’t find anyone who’d disagree, not even Ted at his most sentimental.

Ellie gave him a look equal parts dismissal and skepticism. Her face had filled out some since they got to Jackson, but she’d leaned into being a kid, more so after they’d moved in with Grace and had the rough shape of a family, Tommy and Maria coming over for Sunday dinner, Joel playing the guitar in front of the fire on the wet, miserable nights of late fall. She’d never had anything like it, back in the Boston QZ, growing up at the FEDRA boarding school, but he had. As Ted would likely say, this wasn’t Joel’s first rodeo.

“I used to talk to Sarah about her mother,” Joel said.

As expected, that got Ellie’s attention but unlike his older daughter, Ellie aimed for a cool slyness where Sarah had liked to pounce and then grill him for all she was worth. Grace glanced at him, a flicker in her dark eyes asking this a good idea? before she went back to the legal pad on her lap, the furrow in her brow a confirmation that they were running low on something critical that would be difficult if not impossible for them to gin up a replace for in Jackson.

“Yeah?” Ellie said. It was all she was willing to offer but he knew her well enough to know she wouldn’t let go. Tenacious, that was the word for her, she took hold and she hung on for dear life, even if she didn’t always hold her own life dear enough to his liking.

“Yeah, she was curious, even if she didn’t want to admit it. Too proud,” he said.

“Or maybe she didn’t want to bug you. Maybe she thought it’d upset you if she asked,” Ellie said. Grace smiled and then quickly frowned, as if he wouldn’t have noticed either expression. As if he hadn’t stayed alive all these years noticing everything, even if he wished he could just shut his goddamn eyes.

“Maybe,” he said. He hadn’t let himself think about it like that, not directly, but Ellie had that way about her, making him consider something like it was new or like it wouldn’t hurt unbearably. In that long ago time, when he’d worried about shitbum sub-contractors showing up for a job, sung along with his pick-up’s radio, thrown out another couple of bananas that had rotted in the fruit bowl, Sarah had made demands she knew he could meet and few others— tacos (always carnitas) on Tuesday, overly expensive sneakers, a kiss at bedtime.

“Why’d she have to ask?” Ellie said.

“Because her mother was gone,” Joel said.

“She left?”

“We lost her,” Joel said. After all this time, it was still hard to talk about, which was the most unexpected consolation, his grief impervious to the world ending and ending. “She died when Sarah was about six months old.”

“But that was Before,” Ellie said. She’d unconsciously picked up on Grace’s framing, because she would never have allowed herself to copy Grace that way, the awareness making it an affectation and her temperament and adolescence making it impossible for her to put Grace into the role of a parent, even if they all knew that’s what she’d become.

“People still died Before. There were lots of things doctors couldn’t cure or fix,” Joel said. 

Ellie looked at him and then down, staring at her hands or maybe her feet in their giddily striped wool socks, he wasn’t quite sure, except that she was giving them both time. Grace too, Ellie might expect her to weigh in on what it had been like to be a doctor Before, when there were pharmacists and endless lengths of suture, pills spilling out of a bottle and down the drain an annoying inconvenience and not a death sentence. Joel knew Grace wouldn’t speak, not about hospitals and med techs and old pneumatic tube systems that were sometimes more reliable than an electronic order entered at the nurse’s station, freight elevators and vending machines filled with the sweetest, saltiest snacks, bags of saline gleaming like moonstones. She wanted to hear about Sarah and her mother and she wanted to hear Joel’s voice as he talked about them. She wanted to know Sarah’s mother’s name and what he had called her, whether they were the same.

“What did you tell Sarah about her mom?” Ellie asked, almost politely.

“How excited she was to be a mom, to be Sarah’s mom. How good she was at her job, how smart she was. Strong. How she made the best sweet potato pie I ever ate, and that’s not something to mention to Ted, he’d take it as a fuckin’ dare and he’d stop making that dried apple strudel Grace likes,” Joel said. “How she was cooler than me.”

“Cooler than you? Impossible,” Ellie replied, full of piss and vinegar as his great-aunt Rubina used to say. Face like a hatchet and a tongue to match, she’d always been that relative his parents and their siblings gave a wide berth, but she kept the cookie jar full and she saved the funnies from the newspapers for Tommy and him to read, lying on their bellies, while the grown-ups talked on the porch on hot nights.

“Sarah’s mom was impossible. Impossibly bright. Beautiful. Fucking scary when she wanted to be. When she wasn’t even trying to be,” Joel said. “She loved that girl with all her heart and I did my best, but I could never tell Sarah how much that was. How it was a goddamn travesty that she lost her mom—”

“You think it should’ve been you,” Ellie said. 

He shrugged a little. There was no use arguing sometimes. 

“You think she would’ve been better off with her mom, happier or safer or maybe even alive right now,” Ellie said. It hurt, but not as much as it could have, because she was looking at him as serious as death and she’d saved his life more than once. It should only ever have been his job to look after her but he’d been there after she killed the cult leader and he’d gotten her out of Salt Lake. “You’re wrong, even if she didn’t make it. You couldn’t ever be not as good at keeping someone alive.”

It was the clumsiest way he’d ever been told someone loved him, but he’d take it. 

“Your mom loved you as much as Sarah’s loved her,” he said.

“You don’t know that,” she said. They’d have to talk about how they felt this way, these indirect comments, these pointless arguments, Grace a witness, a referee, the control rod in the nuclear reactor; how they cared for each other was too big for the little words there were. As long as he lived, he’d be sleeping on his deaf ear, listening for Ellie in the night.

“Yeah, I think I do,” he said.

Ellie ducked her chin down and looked up at him, her eyes bright, her expression skeptical. She wanted to be sure, of her mother and of him, because he’d pushed her away at the beginning, told her to shut up, sit down, stay put. Grace had left her the larger slice of cake or pie or the last cookie, ate the heel of the loaf when Ellie wrinkled her nose at it, shoved over whenever Ellie crowded her on the couch, told Ellie about every disgusting object she’d ever fished out of someone’s ass to Ellie’s obvious, ghoulish delight; she was sure of Grace.

“You can’t prove it,” she said. If she hadn’t been sitting down, she would have put her hands on her hips, as if he needed the emphasis.

“There’s plenty I know without being able to prove,” Joel said.

“Yeah?” Ellie said. He’d almost won her over. It would just take a little more, except he had to get it all right. The tone of his voice and his expression, how he held his hands, the length of the pause before he responded.

“Yeah.”

*

“That was an impressively succinct closing argument you made, counselor,” Grace remarked once he’d blown out the lamp on the bedside table. There was still enough moonlight to see by, though she was cast in silver now instead of gold and she was propped up on her side, the pose provocative, her ancient sweatshirt layered over a flannel nightgown more intimate than lingerie and far warmer.

“I never wanted to be a lawyer,” he said. 

“Seems like there’s a lot you never wanted to be. You still get the job done, whatever it takes,” she said. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” he said, thinking of the way Ellie had smiled when he reminded her about needing to wake up early for her work mucking out the stalls at the stable. The way she’d managed to bump into him as she walked to her bedroom, shuffling along in her sock-feet. “Yeah, I’m okay.”

[autoeroticalgolania]

The Rules of Attraction

had to read this after watching the 2002 film adaptation a few months ago. It quickly became one of my favourites. What really stuck with me; was the absolute emptiness of this world and the people occupying it. Kinda reminded me of my time studying in London.

Key things you can immediately identify Bret Easton Ellis’ work by; compulsive consumption, loneliness, emptiness and libidinal motivations / hedonism. As with most of his work, it really amplifies the postmodern fracture of selfhood and obliteration of Truth. Populated mainly with spoilt rich kids [which is Ellis’ speciality] in a liberal arts college somewhere in New Hampshire. There are no satisfying character arcs in The Rules of Attraction, as if the end of history has already happened to mans’ own psyche.

Ellis’ book dives into the delusions of each character through chapters titled with their name, narrated from their POV. There’s Sean, Lauren, and Paul who’re the main people caught in this absurd love triangle. And you get glimpses of other characters too, such as Patrick [Bateman], Sean’s older brother and Eve, Paul’s mum, Clay from Less Than Zero and other randoms on the periphery of this triangle. 

As we’re absorbed in the characters inner world, stream-of-consciousness style, there’s insight to how unreliable each narrater truly is: the sheer emptiness of their constant, droning thoughts about an upcoming party, noticing what people are wearing, who’s screwing who, what’s on the radio, the TV, cool gadgets etc

and the utter disconnect between what they are thinking, what they come to express, how they completely misread the intentions of each others actions. It’s kinda scary how far away these people seem from each other. 

The real story of The Rules of Attraction, lies in the gaping void between each character’s realities. 

Their attentions are scattered from person to person, each as forgettable as the next. As soon as their sex-driven infatuation has worn off, everything everyone is boring again. You get a good, albeit elusive sense of the dynamics, through each of their internal monologues. Thought after thought racing by. Ellis really gets at this anxiety of interpreting situations completely differently from the people around us. In this sense, there is no truth in the world. Paul goes on about his romantic love affair with Sean whilst Sean is completely ambivalent to Paul and never really mentions him beyond thinking he’s kinda weird. Sean thinks Lauren is in love with him, when really she finds him quite repulsive and annoying, and is actually pining after Victor, who after coming back from his Europe trip, doesn’t even know who she is. 

 They’re all internally going off about someone, and that someone couldn’t care less about them. They’re completely, tragically consumed with the idea, a grandiose mythology, of someone else. A deep unwavering, longing pain colours the prose, but it’s a shite self-indulgent, nihilistic pain which does not hold the potential of transformation. People just enter non-relationship after non-relationship with each other, never acknowledging what is actually happening or discussing what they actual feel, if they feel anything. Characters fall [effortlessly/mindlessly] into hanging out all the time, whilst simultaneously finding each other excruciatingly boring? It doesn’t make much sense how passive everyone is, but also how every one of their decisions rides on pure, unadulterated lust.

Everyone, nameless or not, is connected through each other because they’ve all slept with each other at some point over their years at Camden. However, no one actually knows anyone on a level of friendship and everyone’s forgettable! Noting the descriptors, people are described by arbitrary features like: ‘dumb guy from L.A’ or 'blonde girl with great legs’ [Cause everyone in this university is blonde is rllllyyy suspect]. Everyone is boring. Everything is boring. 

We follow these insufferable people, day in day out of university life. Each fake to the core with little personality, no drive, no passion but for selfishness. No one actually studying, just there to party and sleep with each other. 

Horrible things happen too, presented so neutrally by Ellis, that it forces you to digest it on your own. There’s no obvious morality, beyond it being satirical, which adds to this overwhelming emptiness.

The constant, mindless consumption is what stands out most to me from this book; there is always music always blasting [soundtracking their life] always reaching for cigarettes, alcohol, meds, pot..  anything they can touch gets consumed and neutralised by their pacified existence. Everything they do is pointless and brings fuck all joy, yet it manages to be so compulsive to read. as it’s fast fast, life just whizzing by, one animal impulse after the next. You really start to wonder how they can bare waking up and continuing with the same shit, different day. They consume each other for the sake of it, even when they don’t want to fuck. It’s truly maddening listening to these people think. Thinking one thing, and doing the exact opposite, with no consideration or care, or slightest recognition of the fact that everyone has their own inner world, their own thoughts and desires. Everyone in this book suffers from major main character syndrome; a key component of contemporary subjectivity. 

It reminds me of this J.G Ballard quote:

Electronic aids, particularly domestic computers, will help the inner migration, the opting out of reality. Reality is no longer going to be the stuff out there, but the stuff inside your head.

 It starts getting kinda sentimental towards the end, which makes a nice change from the unbearable monotony. When Lauren eventually rejects Sean, he tries to kill himself in despair. Not because he really loves Lauren like he thinks, but because his realisation is that he will never actually know her. No one can really know the subject of their infatuation because they mythologise each other to an insane degree. Finally, the profound loneliness fuelling this fast world of discontent is recognised by its inhabitants. After this revelation, it seems like a tiny part of themselves become bored of their own shite. Finally somewhat frustrated at their own perpetual dissatisfaction. They start to want to ‘know’ each other. 

one of the most iconic lines for me is when someone is having sex or something and one of them puts on the Beatles as background music;

 ‘Hey I hate the Beatles.’ 

 ‘I hate the Beatles too.’ 

I don’t wanna go into too much detail about plot points because it’s something I recommend you read for yourself.

-----------------------------------

The film is such a great adaptation of the book by Robert Avery. Ellis’ himself says this is his favourite film adaptation [over American Psycho]. It’s wacky without being gimmicky; the use of spilt screens do well in portraying the difference in perspective of each character. The distance between them and any evidence of ‘truth’ is so abstract. 

Also, the way they plant the unnamed girl in the background throughout the first half is rlly ominous; she represents the extremity of this spectrum of delusion. She ‘loves’ Sean but has never spoken to him, only leaving him anonymous letters in his mailbox. When he gets with Lauren at the party, she takes it personally, like he wanted specifically to hurt her. When in reality he doesn’t even recognise her existence. The scene with her in the bathroom is so harrowing. The implications of unrequited love. The idea of true love as an impossibility because of too much unknowing. The death of romance is an unwillingness to risk that unknowing. 

I’m normally not a fan of voice narration in film but it would not work without it.

The dramatic rewinds show how time is so distorted to these kids. everything’s subjective, through the post-modern lens; the only truth is the self. [even in the book, Camden is such an out of time place. with minuscule moments spread across several pages.] 

The film does really well to take the element of personal delusion and selfish lust to the maximum; each one has a completely fabricated relationship with the other summed up by the iconic line from Lauren; 

Know me? Nobody knows anyone ever. You will never know me.

So what is the point of trying to get to know each other. Why not just stay  drowning in one’s disconnection?

I know the book’s set in the late 80s, but the film works perfectly in situating these abhorrent characters in late-90s angst of end of the world/millenium. In that way the book is slightly ahead of its time, picking up on early symptoms of shit Mark Fisher would coin as ‘capitalist realism’. The soundtrack is still very 80s; full blown nostalgia, echoing loudly through the chaos of college halls. 

----------------------------

The montage of Victor’s trip to Europe is easily one of the most iconic in film, its probably the most memorable bit. It really nails how fast the recollection of this Europe trip is in the book. Some rich guy going to all these wonderful and historically significant places to talk about what he ate or who he slept with. short snappy sentences that read like a cinematic montage. 

 It should completely throw off the pace but it fuels the last part of the film into a kinda self-reflection:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=30yNlAHXVzQ 

-----------------------------

Review; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vKuADiEKUCY

[heartpascal]

I don’t think chapter 3 was filler-y at all! It felt like a very real snapshot in readers life!

It was honestly really cool to hear readers internal monologue about Joel and how reader is viewing their growing community. I would be super interested in seeing them form attachments outside of the Miller clan. (Maybe that’s just because I’m stuck on hunger games tiktok and I’m hankering for more Katniss/Peeta type tropes lol)

But in all seriousness, I can see reader allowing other people into their life before forgiving Joel and Ellie. I think them allowing space in their heart for completely new people (ie people that they haven’t been forced to rely on in some form or other) will be a sign of their healing.

okok IM SO GLAD. it does worry me a little because like. i can see where the story is going bc i’m writing it, but for the readers yall can’t be sure yk? so like the things that i included make sense to me but i get worried that they won’t make sense to you guys!!! (idk if what i’m saying makes sense)

plus i am not a planner when it comes to fics!!! i dont plan out the parts before i write them, i just write what flows and figure out where it leads me :’)

BUT YES READER WILL BE GOING ON AN ABSOLUTE JOURNEY!!! i can tell you that much at the very least!!! and i do plan to make some room for some newbies in the next chapter :’) it’ll all make sense in the end (hopefully)

thank you sm for this because i definitely needed it !!!!

[xfindingtrouble]

actual look at ellis' internal monologue