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mrsmarinara · 1 day

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Can you write for Quinn with the “Can I sleep with you?” Prompt pls

Oliver The Orca || Quinn Hughes

Part of The Hockey Babies AU

Prompt: 29. “Can I sleep with you?”

Warnings: anxiety, fear of the future

WC: 6.8k

A/N: This was meant to be short and sweet jfc lol. I decided because it’s so long that I’d make this the origin for them in my Hockey Babies Au.

Summary: Since moving to Michigan as a child, you’ve been annoyed by the eldest child that lived next door. Neither of your parents care and insist on a camping trip before every school year.

Camping trips were not for you. You were meant for the city or at least a relatively mid-sized town. Not trees, bugs, and a tent that you had to put together yourself. Well, that last part was only somewhat true because after failing to put your tent together three times and watching it collapse Quinn had come over to help you. By help, it meant that you stood back and made sure not to touch anything, per his request.

It happens every year. With your parents being friends with Ellen and Jim Hughes there was always a Summer camping trip before school started. When you asked your mother why she insisted that you go she simply told you that as you grow up life moves by fast and that close friends you once had growing up may not be around when you get older. Hence, the camping trip.

You didn’t know much about your mom before your family moved to Michigan. In your defense, how much was a six-year-old supposed to know about their parents?

Even when you were young, your mom liked to talk about her childhood and the one thing and person that was always a constant in her stories was a woman named Ellen. According to your mom, she and Ellen had gone to high school and college together. When they parted ways after graduation their communication slowly died out that was until you moved into your brand new house in Michigan.

As your dad drove the van down the suburban streets filled with large houses, you couldn’t help but think that Michigan didn’t seem all that much different from anywhere else you had lived in your short six years. Your younger brother was excited enough for both of you. You weren’t easily annoyed by your brother but his nonsensical 4-year-old ramblings about everything he saw made you roll your eyes. He didn’t get it. He wasn’t leaving behind any friends or starting at a new school. If your family stayed here this is all he would ever remember, not the home or neighborhood you lived in before.

Your dad seemed to notice your sour mood and tried to point things out that would usually catch your attention. He talked about how there would be more room for you to play, and that there was a lake nearby where you could swim in the summer. Your mom even suggested that you could learn how to ice skate during the winter when the lake froze over. None of it interested you until your dad told you that you would finally have your own bedroom.

That made you perk up. At some point, you were sure that you had to have had your own bedroom at some point. You didn’t remember it because for as long as you could remember you shared a bedroom with your brother. For the rest of the drive, you sat back in your booster seat, thinking about how you would decorate it and if you could somehow convince your parents to let you have your own television. When you started school you could have sleepovers whenever you wanted!

That sounded nice. You’ve been trying to tell them since the few months since your birthday that you were a big girl now and six-year-olds are too old to share a bedroom with their brothers, especially a snot-nosed tattle tale like your brother.

The rest of your family chatted merrily, talking about all the great things living in this neighborhood would have, and how your dad’s new job would be great for the family because he’d be around a lot more. Your parents didn’t try to pull you back into the conversation, knowing that a neutral mood from you would be better than a grumpy one.

Finally, when you pulled up to what was to be your new house, you couldn’t help but let out a gasp. It was large and white and there was even a porch. It was like one of those houses you saw in movies or on the covers of the magazines your mom read while waiting in line to buy her groceries.

You refused to let yourself feel too excited about it, though. Your parents had to know that you didn’t approve of this move and that you were still upset about leaving your friends behind and your old home, and the fact that you had to get rid of half of your stuffed animals to make room in the van for a move you didn’t even want!

You flinched when suddenly you heard your mother shriek and nearly jump out of the car, even though your dad had yet to put it into park. You watched in confusion as your mother waved her arms about to get some other woman’s attention. It seemed to work because the other woman turned away from what you presumed were her three sons, who had to be around the same age as you and your brother and embraced your mother in a tight hug.

Finally pulling into the driveway slowly and parking the car, your dad went over to unbuckle your brother from his seat and just like your mother he scrambled out of the car to meet the children who were standing behind the woman mom was talking animatedly to. You watch from your seat as your mom introduces your brother to this strange new woman - you wonder if it’s Ellen, the one whom your mom has pictures of from when they were young. She looks similar, taller than your mom, leaner, and with the build of an athlete, and her blonde hair is a stark contrast to your own mom’s darker shade.

Even her smile is the same. You were told you were moving to be closer to your dad’s new job but now you can’t help but wonder if your mom knew that she would somehow be neighbors with her old friend.

When your dad comes around to help unbuckle your booster seat, you sit back and let him, now eyeing the three boys in roller skates and hockey sticks. It’s the middle one you think that your brother is mainly talking to. Mainly because the youngest, either still a toddler or just a little bit older is holding onto his mom’s leg as he takes in the new people. The other one has to be the oldest, you think, with the way his face is set into a serious mask, and is the only one that has seemed to notice you.

You don’t like that he’s watching you. You don’t know him but at that same time, that’s why you don’t put up resistance to being unbuckled, where normally you would have. You didn’t want to seem like a loser so quickly after moving here. You haven’t even stepped foot into your new house yet.

When your dad helps you clamber out of the car, you make sure to grab your favorite stuffed animal that you were allowed to bring on the trip. When your parents had brought you to Build-a-Bear, they probably thought you’d get a regular bear or an expensive dog but instead, you picked an orca. An orca that you named Oliver who never once left your side.

“Do I have to meet them?” you pulled on your dad’s shirt so that you could be face-to-face with him. You could see that he was trying to hold back a laugh but a light smile still found its way onto his lips. He wasn’t fooling you, though. With as much seriousness as you could muster on your small round face, you continued, “Can’t we see the house first and see these people tomorrow?”

Your dad sighed and replied, “Your mom and brother are already over there. Your mom is catching up with an old friend and your brother, it looks like is making a new friend himself.”

You grumbled something under your breath but your dad ignored it.

“We won’t stay out here for long and it’s nice to get to know you’re neighbors.” He added. “If you get too nervous or you want to leave squeeze your stuffed animal or hand him to me and I’ll get the message that it’s time to go.”

“Oliver,” you muttered. “His name is Oliver.”

He patted down your hair which had gotten more messy as the day went on and hummed apologetically, “I’m sorry, will you tell Oliver that?”

You nodded and with Oliver tucked under one arm, you grabbed your dad’s hand with the other and walked over to the others. You dropped his hand but remained close by, even when he moved closer to your mom and threw his arm around her.

When your mom finally noticed you she introduced you to everyone, “This is my daughter,” your mom announced.

After telling them all your names, the other woman laughed. It was bright and kind. “You always did say if you had a daughter one day, that’s what you would name her.”

They shared one more laugh before your mom continued, “Darling, this is Luke,” he was still holding onto his mom’s leg and you noticed his hair was the brightest. Up close you realized that your original guess of four was wrong. He was barely three years old. You waved shyly at the younger boy and smiled, “This is Jack, he claims to like hockey more than his brothers,” which made the tallest one huff a breathy laugh. “He’s the same age as your brother, isn’t that nice?”

You weren’t sure what to say to that so you just nodded.

“This one, right here,” your mom said with a smile and a twinkle in her eyes that you couldn’t decipher, “is Quinn. He’s the oldest and just so happens to be around your age.”

You took him all in now that you were only standing a few feet away. His hair was much darker and his complexion was pale, you couldn’t help but wonder what he looked like in the winter. He didn’t smile but his eyes weren’t unkind.

He broke the silence well by holding up his hand for you to shake.

“It’s nice to meet you,” he politely said. You replied, saying the same thing and holding Oliver closer to you.

You wouldn’t consider yourself a shy child but it was the way that everyone was so engrossed in the conversation the adults were having while Quinn kept his eyes on you the whole time. You couldn’t pinpoint how it made you feel. You were annoyed that you were singled out but at the same time, a warm buzzing feeling hummed through you as you were the sole focus of someone’s attention.

It all felt like too much, though, and eventually, you handed your stuffed animal to your dad. He was a man of his word and in less than five minutes your mom was wrapping up her conversation with Ellen.

You thought the interaction was over but as you had turned to walk away Ellen shouted one last thing that made your mom’s ears perk up. She turned around and Ellen said, “Every summer before school begins we go on a camping trip. We go for about three days. We leave in a week, I’d love it if you could all come.”

Without looking at your brother or you, or your father for that matter, your mother agreed happily. You know that meant that before you were even unpacked she would drag everyone to the store to buy camping gear.

This time you truly thought you were done because now your parents had started to walk out of earshot and Ellen had started to help Luke take off his roller skates.

However, loud enough for you to hear but quiet enough for everyone else not to, you heard Quinn utter the words, “Don’t forget to bring your orca on the trip.”

You didn’t stop, exactly. You tripped on an uneven part of the sidewalk and managed to catch yourself before falling flat on your face. You looked back at the oldest Hughes and saw that he was gone.

You weren’t a drama queen, no matter how many relatives tried to tell you you were. You were picky and you knew what you liked but you never expected others to understand, that would have been rude. However, how had Quinn known that Oliver was an Orca? Nobody knew, especially children your age. You only knew because one day your dad fell asleep watching a documentary about sea life. Every time someone would guess what your stuffed animal was they often guess a whale, which was a common misconception. One time you heard someone call it a narwhal. You were offended on Oliver’s behalf but secretly found it a little funny.

You stopped letting it bother you but the surprise and shock you felt when someone knew what Oliver was made you radiate happiness. It probably seemed ridiculous to most people but Oliver was important to you. All the grumpiness in the car from earlier had disappeared. That didn’t mean you actually liked the eldest of the three brothers. He was quiet and seemed sort of grumpy and acted like he wanted nothing to do with you.

Your first family camping trip was filled with highs and lows. Jim Hughes taught you how to fish, and you soon realized that you hated it but he seemed to enjoy it so you went along with it. You taught Luke how to make a flower crown. Your mom and Ellen gossiped about their time in school and all the time in between that they missed.

Quinn on the other hand, barely spoke to you. It wasn’t subtle either, everyone was aware and thought the two of you would work it out by the end of the trip. It’s not like you were avoiding him. Maybe a little but not as much as he was trying to avoid you.

All of it made any little spark inside you that wanted to be his friend die. So you vowed for the rest of the trip to ignore him. It felt better to be the one doing the ignoring and not the one being ignored.

When school started you were put into different classes so thankfully the only time you had to see Quinn was lunch time and even then the two of you would sit across the cafeteria to sit with your friends.

For years it had worked. You were cordial as neighbors and put on pleasant smiles for your parents when they decided to have a dinner night with both families. At school you didn’t talk, sometimes you would catch him glancing over at you but you never brought it up. If he had a staring problem that would have to be something he would have to deal with on his own.

The camping trips usually went smoothly. At least up until this last year. There was always so much to do that it was easy to shrug off any attempts anyone made for you to hang out with Quinn. You were nineteen and he was turning the same age in a month.

This could very well be the last camping trip you spent with everyone and sometimes, late at night, the feeling of not seeing Quinn again hurt but then you remembered his judgemental stares and how pretty, skinny, blonde girls would fawn over him once he became a hockey player in the NHL.

Your own thoughts startle you. What do you care if a bunch of girls threw themselves at Quinn while you were away? You especially didn’t care if he took an interest in any of them. He already went to and played hockey at the University of Michigan. You couldn’t think of one instance where he didn’t have several different options for who he spent the night with. When he goes to play for the NHL, nothing will have changed.

(Other than everything. In Michigan, you knew you would see him again. When he moved he wouldn’t be there when you came to visit.)

This was one of the reasons you couldn’t stand Quinn most of the time. He jumbled up your thoughts and you didn’t know what to do with them. With Jack and Luke, it was different,

they had become like a second set of brothers with how often they were over at your house. Quinn, even though the offer was extended to him by every one of your family members, he still never came over.

From the get-go, it was clear that ignoring Quinn for the entire trip wasn’t going to happen.

On the first night, you followed the routine that you had developed over the several years of camping. There was one problem, though, and that was since your first camping trip to now, you had never gotten the hang of putting your tent together. You tried! But someone would always have to help you in the end. You looked around for your brother or your dad but when you turned back to the pile of what was meant to be your tent on the ground, Quinn had come over and silently helped to put it together.

Few words were exchanged, such as, “Can you stand over there?”“Don’t touch that.” and “Hold onto that for a second.”

When your tent was all propped up and ready for you, you went to say ‘thank you’ but Quinn was already walking off to help your dad unload bags from his car.

By the time you had everything all laid out, your sleeping bag, an extra blanket, a flashlight, and of course Oliver the Orca, the sun had begun to set. Jim called for everyone to come gather around the campfire. You pulled a hoodie over your t-shirt and claimed a spot on the log near the fire. You weren’t the last to arrive, as you waited for Jack, your brother, and Quinn to arrive you stared into the crackling campfire.

The camping trip had been pushed back this year so now it was late September and there was a little chill in the air and the warmth from the fire was enough to warm you up.

Luckily for you, in a week you would be heading back to school for your second year at the University of Oregon. It wasn’t your first choice and you knew it would get cold there too, but when you toured the school before your first year, you fell in love with the area. It was lush and green and had everything you wanted.

Quinn gave you what had to have been a sarcastic smile when he finally plopped down on the log on the other side of the fire. You made a show of rolling your eyes at him in return. The little grin that wanted to come up was swallowed back down when you realized that you would miss this. The playfulness that snuck in between both of your two soured your mood.

Looking at Quinn brought back another thought that you’ve recently been thinking about. It was something that would nag at you as you packed up your room and took late-night walks around the neighborhood. You were afraid of getting homesick. You got homesick the first year you went away to college but you were expecting that. It was different, though, you were aching for some type of freedom. You loved your friends and family, and for the first time in your life, you would be free to do whatever you wanted without someone hovering over you.

This year felt different. Your friends from home had started to settle in the cities and towns that they chose to move to. Your little brother was looking at colleges on the East Coast and even Jack was going into the NHL draft this year. With Quinn going to Vancouver to play for the Canucks, he would be the one that you would be the closest to but Vancouver was still a distance from Eugene, Oregon. There was no chance that you would ever just accidentally cross paths with him.

For a second, you felt of pang of sadness. You’ve known Quinn since you were six and it won’t be like last year when you left for school and you would FaceTime or Skype your friends and family and Quinn would be in the background. Quinn was such a fixture in your life and now he was going to be gone too. Quinn loved Michigan, so you would probably see him in the Summers but what if after you graduate you get a job somewhere else? Somewhere where you know no one.

You're jolted out of your spiraling emotions when Jack and your brother plop down on the log next to you, fighting over a bag of unopened marshmallows. You could thank the heavens for their timing because it feels like you’ve been having more and more thoughts about Quinn, your future, and Quinn being a part of your future.

The bag that Jack and your brother were fighting over tears in half, just like anyone could have predicted. The marshmallows go flying everywhere. Some land in the fire and melt quickly but mostly they land amongst the forest floor.

What you weren’t expecting was Jack jumping up from the log and hopping around screaming in a pitch that could rival a little girl’s.

“Oh shit! Oh shit! OH SHI-!”

No one can hold back their laughter as they watch him frantically move about. Your brother nearly falls off of his log in a fit of laughter and you think you hear Quinn snort.

“Jack Rowden Hughes!” Ellen scolds but when you look at her you can see the laughter she was trying her hardest to suppress.

“Sorry, mom,” Jack mumbles but still doesn’t stop hopping around looking for the marshmallows.

“What the hell are you even doing?” Quinn asks, and unlike his mother, he’s not trying to hide his amusement.

When he laughs you feel your chest get tight. You look briefly at him when he speaks and see that he’s already looking at you. He’s not smirking or glaring. No, he’s just smiling at you. There doesn’t seem to be any hidden meaning or mocking in his eyes. He’s happy and you’re the one he’s showing it to unabashedly.

“Don’t you read?” Jack snaps, his hands overflowing with the marshmallows he’s grabbed from the floor, your mom kindly hands him a bag of garbage for him to throw away the dirt-covered sticky treat. “Bears love Marshmallows!”

“Wasn’t that a SpongeBob episode?” You inquire with a laugh, shortly followed by Luke and Quinn.

“Dear, we’ve been camping here for thirteen years.” Your mom tries to soothe Jack but everyone, including her, knows it’s futile. “No one has ever seen a bear around here.”

“That doesn’t mean they aren’t lurking around waiting to pounce,” Jack argues but he slowly calms down. Well, as calm as Jack can manage.

“What does “waiting to pounce” even mean? Do you think Winnie The Pooh is hiding behind that tree over there?”

“Shut up, Quinn,” Jack grumbles and is shoved down to sit back on the log by his dad.

After everyone is calmed or close enough to calm your dad pulls out another bag of marshmallows and chocolate from a bag while Ellen grabs graham crackers. Jim finds the sticks for you all to toast the s’mores with all while your mom sits back in her chair, drinking out of a thermal cup, and by her lazy smile and pink cheeks, you’re starting to think that perhaps it’s not coffee or hot chocolate.

Everyone quickly falls into the easy chatter that only forms after years of knowing one another. You hold your s’more over the fire as you sit quietly, listening to all the conversations happening around you.

You're pretty sure that whatever is in your mom’s mug she shared with Ellen because the two of them are quietly giggling after every other word. Jim and your dad are talking to Jack about his future and what the draft might be like when it comes around soon. You feel bad for the kid. You’ve heard almost every adult close to Jack give him the same speech. It’s not like he won’t have a future. You’ve seen him play hockey, both for fun and for competition, and know that he’s better than good. Every team is looking at him right now and with his charisma and the way he moves on the ice, he’s guaranteed to become a star almost immediately after being drafted.

Luke and your brother have given up on eating the s’mores altogether and are taking turns throwing marshmallows back and forth to see who can catch the most with only their mouths. After a minute of watching, you can safely say they’re both terrible and that ‘the bear’ coming out to eat the marshmallows is more likely than one of them catching one of them in their mouths.

You stayed quiet, not feeling like participating in any of the conversations. It wouldn’t raise any suspicions, since this annual trip began you were always worn out by the end of the day. Not talking to anyone, eating whatever your dad decides to barbecue, and falling asleep on your mom’s lap. So no one questioned you as you tried to not set your campfire snack on fire and thought about how everything was about to change after you all left the camping grounds and how you weren’t ready for it.

You were so wrapped up in your thoughts that you hadn’t even noticed that Quinn was quiet himself. Not staring down his burnt marshmallow like you put sneaking curious glances your way and silently hoping you would catch him.

With a loud slap on his knee and a groan that only fathers seemed to know how to make your dad stood from his lawn chair.

“It’s been a long day, I think I’ll try to get some sleep so I can wake up early to catch some fish.”

Jim nodded enthusiastically at the prospect of fishing in the morning and stood up as well. Both of the men helped their wives up from their seats, you smiled as they made it difficult for their husbands to walk them to their tents. The swaying a giggling never died down, even when they were inside and the tent was zipped.

You were never one for fishing and why people liked to do it so early in the day perplexed you. You had attempted fishing twice in your life, once with your dad and brother which resulted in you being pushed into the lake by your brother and the other time was on a camping trip where Jim was convinced he could change your mind about fishing. It didn’t work. So now your plans for tomorrow are to lay down a beach blanket near the water and read one of the books you brought with you.

The next ones to stray towards their tents for the night were Luke and your brother. You knew they were going to be next. They enjoyed fishing and spending time with their respective dads.

“Maybe I’ll even catch dinner for us tomorrow!” your brother exclaimed.

You wanted to gag at the idea but you saw the excited look on his face and decided against it. Instead, you gave him a thumbs up and mustered up a, “I’ll wish you luck!”

Jack didn’t say goodnight to anyone but you all saw him run behind one of the trees to vomit all of the sugar he consumed. By now he was most likely in his tent groaning or trying to get a signal on his phone. Probably both.

It didn’t take long for Quinn to stand and bid you goodnight after the other boys left. Your eyes followed him as he walked with his head down to his tent. He had no real reason for leaving. You had watched him sporadically throughout the night and he didn’t seem tired. Perhaps he just didn’t want to stay out here alone with you. You murmur a quiet goodnight back, not sure if he heard it or not but not wanting to say it again.

You weren’t ready for sleep yet. Your mind was still racing and when your thoughts came back to coming home for the holidays and everyone not being there a knot formed in your throat. You had made friends in Oregon and this upcoming year you would likely start networking, which meant meeting new people, and even though you haven’t met them yet, you knew they weren’t going to be better than the people sleeping in the tents less than ten feet away from you.

If it hadn’t been for the chilly early September breeze you probably wouldn’t have noticed the tears on your cheeks. You wiped them away quickly. Everyone had already gone to sleep so you could cry as much as you wanted to and no one would know. No one but you, and you didn’t want to deal with all of those emotions right now. You were only feeling like this because it had been a long day and what you needed was a good night's rest.

You watched the fire die down and when it was only embers left you sprinkled some sand on it to make sure it wouldn’t set the forest ablaze as you all slept. When you were done with that you crawled into your tent and tried to get comfortable in your sleeping bag.

It was futile. The extra blanket didn’t warm you up and the sleeping bag was old and had small holes in it that you didn’t notice when you had packed it. Not even pulling Oliver close to your chest made you feel better.

The tent was cold and hard and despite the rustling leaves and wind outside, it felt silent. You weren’t built to be alone and with your recurring thoughts of everyone leaving and not coming back once school starts up again, you couldn’t find it in yourself to stay in your tent tonight.

You grabbed your extra blanket and Oliver and paused when you were outside. Who could you share a tent with without them making a big deal of it? Your brother and Jack were immediately scratched off that list. They had the biggest mouths known to man. You could seek out the comfort of your parents, similar to when you were little and afraid and you would crawl into their much bigger bed and cuddle between the two of them. They would worry if you did that now and you didn’t want to worry them on the first night of the trip they had come to love.

There was nothing wrong with going to Luke but your body itched to turn the other way and go to Quinn’s tent. He wouldn’t tell anyone and even if he wasn’t sharing the same thoughts out loud, perhaps he was thinking them silently, after all, he was in the same predicament.

Before you could stop yourself you tapped gently on the tent and whispered his name.

Nothing happened, so you continued just a little louder and perhaps with a slight whine. “Quinn! Quinn, open your tent. Quinn, are you asleep?”

Finally, the zipper was tugged down and a disheveled Quinn appeared. Despite his look of annoyance, you could tell that he wasn’t really upset with you. If he was he would have told you to go away by now or never opened the tent.

“What’s wrong?” His words slurred from sleep but his tone was serious.

With a weak smile, you replied, “I think there’s a bear outside my tent that thinks I’m a marshmallow. Can I sleep with you?”

To your surprise, Quinn shuffled to the side of his sleeping bag to make room for you. When you continued to look at him dumbstruck he sighed and waved at the tent flap and said, “Can you come in here already? Also make sure you zip that up. I’m pretty sure that any bear with a sweet tooth will be dissuaded by a zipper.”

You did as he asked and once you did you climbed into the sleeping bag with him. He grunted when you accidentally elbowed him in the stomach and when you kept trying to readjust in the small sleeping area that was only really meant for one Quinn grabbed your waist and rolled you so that your back was against his front. You felt breathless being so close to Quinn, no that wasn’t it, being held so close to him. The two of you grew up together so it didn’t feel strange to sleep in the same area. Sometimes you had to share a bed because your brother and Jack wanted to share one instead. One time when you were sharing an air mattress, it popped and you both had to sleep on the floor after that. You still held firm that the popping was Quinn’s fault.

This was different, though. Out of all the times you had to sleep near Quinn, he never seemed like a cuddler and yet, here you were with his arm slung tightly around you, with his forehead pressed against your neck. Slowly and without saying anything you grabbed his hand that was on your waist, holding you to him, and intertwined your fingers. It felt grounding. How could you spiral when he was so solidly here?

“So are you sticking with the bear story or are you actually going to tell me why you're in my tent?” Quinn said into the quiet darkness.

You didn’t want to answer his question. You wanted to lay here and be held and take up all of his warmth and fall asleep. You also knew that if you didn’t vocalize your fears they would only get bigger and bigger until one day you would simply combust and find yourself living in a cardboard box outside of your childhood home.

You squeezed Oliver with the hand that wasn’t holding Quinn’s and whispered shyly, “I’m afraid of what happens after this. I’m afraid that once I go back to school everything will change and I’ll come home and nothing will be how it was.”

You let out a breath of relief. Even though you couldn’t help but still fret over everything it still felt nice to get all of that off of your chest.

Quinn had remained quiet the whole time and for a moment you thought he was falling asleep until he squeezed your hand and moved his arm under your head to grab Oliver. Quinn wasn’t taking him from you but he held him gently. Almost stroking the worn fuzz on the stuffed orca.

“Things are gonna change,” he finally said. “All of our parents will still be in Michigan and so will your brother and when he goes to college I’m sure he’ll call to annoy you every day.”

You smiled sadly, it was true. Your little brother was like you. He aches for space but needs to know that the people he loves will still be there.

“Doesn’t it scare you?” It’s a whisper, you can barely hear yourself over the pounding of your heart and the blood rushing in your ears.

You didn’t know why you felt scared right now, this was Quinn, the same boy you’ve known nearly all your life. On the other side, though, this is Quinn, the same guy that annoys you more often than not. Who on most days you think he might hate you and you might hate him. Your thumb rubs circles on the hand that’s holding yours. What was it that your mom always said? There’s a thin line between love and hate.

It takes a minute and then two before you think he might not answer. Had his lips not been so close to your neck you wouldn’t have heard him. His words would have been lost with the wind outside.

“Of course I’m scared.” He finally says and before you can cut in he continues. “I’m scared that I won’t be as good as people are hoping I will be when I finally get to play. I’m afraid to be so far away from my family.” He paused again but kept quiet, there was a tension in the air and you knew he wanted to say more. “I know my family will always be there, though. I also know that my friends will be too. I just don’t know about you.”

You went to turn around so that you could see his face and hear his words when he says them. His arms around your waist stop you, though.

“Whether or not I like it, you know everything about me.” You reply, the next part you look at your stuffed Orca so it feels like you're talking to it rather than him. “I think you might be the only person who knows everything about me. You’re always paying attention.”

“Of course, I’ve been paying attention.”

You don’t hesitate and you don’t let yourself think before saying what you want to.

“Why?”

Quinn sighs your name and it sounds like a prayer. It sounds like he’s begging you to just know. Quinn is a man of few words and you want him to say it.

“When I was six a stubborn girl with a stuffed Orca moved in next door to me. You watched me, you saw me, first before you finally looked at my family. For as long as I can remember I’ve been an afterthought to everybody.” Quinn says and his words make you hurt. “I did things to annoy you just so you would notice me because I wanted /your/ attention.”

“That’s very playground of you.” You say lightly, trying to ease the suffocating air in the tent.

Quinn laughs lightly and it tickles your neck. “Then, and here’s the kicker, I get drafted to the Vancouver Canucks, and team far away from everything I know and then I remember that this girl that I’ve been annoying on purpose for years has what can only be described as an emotional support Orca. People have stuffed bears, ducks, or literally anything else. I’ve never seen someone with an Orca and for the first time everything I had and everything I’ve ever wanted became so clear.”

“And what is it that you want?”

He lets go of your hand and sits up on his elbows just so he can look at you when says, “You. Since you got out of that car gripping that stuffed animal in one hand and your dad’s hand in the other all while giving the meanest glare I think I’ve ever seen from a kindergartner.”

“I thought you hated me.”

A small smile tugs at the side of your lip, “I thought I did too. If I’m being honest, though, I don’t think I could ever actually hate you.”

The kiss is a surprise. It’s not on your lips or your neck, Quinn simply leans down and places his lips to your forehead. After that, he lays back down behind you and wraps his arm around your torso. You waste no time grabbing his hand and sinking into his embrace.

He’s solid and warm and for the first time in months, your mind doesn’t feel like it’s running a mile a minute.

“Do you believe in fate?”

The question catches you off guard. Fate? Quinn was so practical it seemed like a weird thing for him to ask. Did you believe in it though? If you were asked ten years ago, you would have said yes. If you were asked four years ago you would have said no, but lying in Quinn’s tent and in his arms, you can’t but wonder if maybe you do?

“I don’t know.” You say honestly. “Do you?”

Quinn is quick to answer, “Oh yeah, how else can I explain that the girl I fell for at six would have a favorite stuffed animal that is an Orca, while I’m about to play for Vancouver whose mascot is an orca?”

You smile at that. It did seem rather fate-like if you thought about it like that.

“Well, when you put it like that,” you laugh, as does Quinn. “When you’re off being a hotshot hockey player in Canada you have to promise me something.”

“Hmm, depends on what it is that I have to promise.”

You bit your lip and let your eyes slide down to Oliver. You hoped that Quinn would hear the true meaning of your words when you said them because you doubted you could say them out loud yet. “Just remember that Oliver is your favorite Orca when you’re out there.”

You waited with bated breath. Quinn’s breathing had slowed and for a moment you wondered if he had fallen asleep.

That was until he pulled you closer to himnand said directly in your ear, “Oliver will always be my favorite no matter where I go.”

#quinn hughes x reader #quinn hughes imagine #quinn hughes #nhl imagines #the hockey babies au #hockey babies au #Quinn and mama #mamaqh #chaos with quinn

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becauseimanicequeen · 3 days

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Up Poompat Appreciation Post

This is inspired by this post by @clairedaring which almost physically hurt me because it's so sad.

Therefore, I'm reporting for duty to gush about Up Poompat for a minute or two (or ten) because I want to and because Up is amazing and deserves all the praise I can give him.

There's just something about Up that pulls me in. I haven't previously been able to put my finger on it (I'm more of a visual person rather than a verbal one), but I think his portrayal of Ming in My Stand-In clarifies it for me the more I get to see him in it.

It's the way he portrays depth. There's something deeper, something more that goes on beneath the surface of his characters. And he does it again and again. It's most notable for me in Lovely Writer, Hoon Payon, and Step By Step, which are three very different roles.

And, on the subject of variety. This man can play a multitude of different roles and do it convincingly. It doesn't matter if it's as an introverted writer with a kind heart, an obsessive serial killer, or everything in between. He's believable in all of it. He's just that good.

To think that this loveable cutie in Lovely Writer...

Is played by the same actor as this frustrating, self-absorbed idiot in Step By Step...

Which is played by the same actor who portrays this spoiled rich brat who's always pining after what he can never have, and does so convincingly, speaks to Up's versatility.

(It took me waaaaay too long to find a gif of this particular moment, lol, but I eventually found it here.)

I personally love Up as Ming in My Stand-In (I'm not influenced by the novel, btw) because he's shown over and over again that he can portray a variety of complex characters. And the way he uses contrasts in his acting (I have no idea if there is a technical term for this because I don't know anything about professional acting), the way he has this sweet demeanor at the same time as he delivers the most poisonous line (and, sometimes you don't realize how poisonous that line was until later) is top notch. The same goes for his ability to portray a domestic life with Joe that feels genuine from Ming's side as well (which he did so well in ep 3) at the same time as we know it won't last due to Ming's jealousy (especially around Joe and Sol) and his pining for what he can't have.

Speaking of contrast, there's also the fact that Up was blessed with his angelic face, which just gives me whiplash every time his character turns out to be the complete opposite. He can literally disguise his serial killer tendencies with that angelic face and demeanor and I feel so manipulated (in a good way) when his character's true face is revealed.

And the way he uses his face to portray different emotions and shifts in emotions is amazing.

And then there's Up. As in, the person behind it all. The Up that actually lives up to his angellike face. The Up that's genuinely sweet and funny (which you can see on his YouTube channel, where he's currently posting videos with Poom but also has a lot of older ones with Kao whom he partnered up with in Lovely Writer). And the Up that sang "You are My Sunshine" in the bts of the second episode of My Stand-In. If that's not endearing as hell, I don't know what is.

This is just a fraction of all the things I love about Up (and I could spend days gushing about his chemistry with everyone he's paired up with and worked with), but since I've already spent two hours on this little post (lol), I'll save that gushing for another day.

Just know that I love Up.

#the ACTOR he is!#he eats complex characters for breakfast lunch and dinner #and let's not forget the snacks in between #I love him so much #Up Poompat #my stand in #my stand in the series #lovely writer #lovely writer the series #hoon payon #step by step #step by step the series #thai ql #thai bl #thai series #my shit

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stagefoureddiediaz · 1 day

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Buck (and Eddie) mini meta - 7x10 (probably but could also be 7x09!)

I was going to make a quick post about this new shirt we have bts pictures of Buck and Eddie wearing - but well, I spiralled and it turned into this!! (under the cut to save your dash!)

So let's do Eddie first shall we!!

there are actually two shirts we've got bts of Eddie wearing which have me 👀👀👀

first up is this green number we have bts of him wearing at the firehouse (not 100% sure if this is an actual costume or just Ryan's clothes but I'm fairly sure it's an Eddie outfit!)

Why am I side eyeing so hard at this do you ask? well its a very similar shirt to the one we have seen him in before - in 5x13 when he has his break down. Its not the same, but similar - no cut off sleeves, but its the same army green.

We see this tee at he culmination of Eddie isolating himself from the fire fam (especially Buck) through the start of 5b and then blowing up his life in 5x13 - when he trashes his room and Chris calls Buck.

I think we're about to see something similar play out in the last couple of episodes of season 7 - Eddie increasingly choosing to isolate himself from the fire fam (especially Buck) as he spirals out with this vertigo arc. Ryan has said in interviews that Eddie will be isolated by the end of the season, this costume therefore parallels Eddies arc of 5b - especially if we include the use of white on Eddie as well (and Buck in Blue in the same scene!). Eddie does something drastic and then pretends everything is ok - before proceeding to spiral out and blow up his life in some way.

5x11 - we have the aftermath of Eddie leaving he 118 - dinner with Buck and Taylor when he and Buck have a mini disagreement about Eddie coming back to work - which is preceeded by us being shown how Eddie is not actually ok - leading in to 5x13 when Eddie has his breakdown whilst wearing an army green tee and Buck breaks down the door to get to him and literally steps in to the mess, bringing the 118 into help as well (represented by Bobby being there when Eddie wakes up).

Then we have season 7 - the aftermath of Eddie asking Marisol to move in with him and then it is made clear that Eddie has moved too fast, that he doesn't actually know Marisol, or ultimately feel comfortable with the relationship - and now we've watched him (still in white in the scene where he sees Kim) spiralling out and heading towards isolating himself in the same way he did in season 5. The use of a similar army green tee in 7x10 suggests that we're going to see something similar unfold as things come to a head in the vertigo arc. Im especially intrigued because Buck it seems is going to be in uniform for the scene (which side note plays into the Buck and Eddie blue green colour palette they've been using and in a reverse of the gym scene from 7x05!) we don't know where in the episode this scene falls, but my guess would be that its actually a scene from earlier in the episode - allowing for the blow up to happen and the fall out begin. (I also think this because of Helena and Ramon appearing - which I think will be later in the episode and in response to Kim's existence being more widely known about, but thats just me speculating!)

We do also have the t-shirt from 7x01 - which is not the same as the other two - its darker and more brownish than the two above, but it does play into a similar narrative - Eddie finding out about Chris and his multiple girlfriends and Buck stepping in (at Eddies request this time) to help and support the Diaz boys!

Eddie outfit two!

Then we have this outfit - which is contrary to popular belief, not the will reveal outfit, but actually the Ana as Eddies girlfriend reveal to Chris outfit.

The two outfits are very similar, but the will reveal outfit is a navy blue shirt (which is important as it plays into both blue/green and blue/yellow theory - which gains even more significance now we know that it is likely this was meant to be the beginning of at the very least a queer narrative for Buck and the implication is that it would've been the beginning of buddie canon) this shirt and the Ana reveal shirt are both black and have silver eyelets on the shirt opening

For me, the fact that it is the same outfit as that reveal rather than the will reveal is suggestive that this outfit is in some way going to be connected to the reveal of Kim. In the same way that the Ana reveal outfit is connected to two scenes

- Eddie telling Chris and the salad bowl getting smashed,

- Eddie realising Chris has gone missing only to find out he's run to Buck's

I feel like this one is also likely to be connected to two scenes - what they are and where this hospital scene fits within the wider episode, it is hard to fully form ideas on the full meaning behind the fact that he is wearing the same outfit. Because does this scene come before or after the arrival of Helena and Ramon, what is the connection to Bobby being in the hospital and Eddie wearing this outfit? My personal opiion is that this outfit is going to be involved in people finding out about Kim.

As an addition to this, we should also talk about the fact that Eddie always wears black in relation to key scenes with Marisol and Kim and it continues a trend of Eddie wearing black in key scenes in relation to his relationships.

When Eddie and Marisol meet at the hardware store he is in black, when asking her to move back out, black shirt. Then with Kim -both scenes with her when he talks to her he is in black - black shirt in the store and a black jacket when they go on their date.

He was also wearing Black in key moments with Shannon (divorce request scene as well as in flashbacks) and with Ana ( first meeting and panic attack scenes). I've spoken before about the choice to put him in a black singlet when he's in an emotionally vulnerable place, but with these additional scenes in mind, as well as the fact that we see him wearing black in the hospital during Bucks coma, as well as the fact we also get a similar shirt on Eddie back in 7x01.

I think its fair to associate black more generally with Eddie being in a vulnerable place emotionally - the singlets are just worn at points when those vulnerable moments are about to tip Eddie into something stupid and this makes the use of the singlet in 7x04 for the basketball game even more interesting as it places Eddie into emotional vulnerability around Bucks bi journey and less about Bucks own emotional vulnerability - plays a little into the idea that they were going to have Eddies queer journey come before Bucks!

From a purely speculative position - my feeling is that this outfit comes after the arrival of Helena and Ramon and possibly towards the end of the episode.

The fact Eddie is wearing it at the hospital is possibly important, but I get the feeling it will be an outfit with more than one key scene attached to it (much like Eddie being in a black shirt when Buck came out to him was in two key scenes - Bucks coming out and Eddie asking Marisol to move out).

In the same way that in season 4 the Ana reveal was paired with a scene where Chris runs to Buck my feeling is that we're going to see something similar in season 7 with this - further adding to the parallels between the two seasons (see this excellent post by @iinryer for more on those!).

Part of my thinking comes from the fact we had this other bts of Buck, Eddie, Chris and Helena and Ramon. So we know that Eddie will be wearing a maroon henley for a scene in this episode.

I've spoken about Eddie wearing maroon long sleeved tops in relation to things being about Chris and Eddie parenting, and this one is likely to follow that theme, especially with Chis seemingly wearing the same outfit he was wearing when the fact he had multiple girlfriends was revealed.

The fact that buck is in a reverse outfit to the one from his discussion with Chris after that reveal (navy blue bottoms and yellow ochre top v yellow ochre bottoms and navy blue top), suggests to me that the are trying to do a couple of things here - they are flipping the scene - so it is still about a multiple girlfriends reveal, just Eddies rather than Christophers. It is also possibly a way to contrast the fact they set up Buck as sitting in parallel to Shannon (from both a costuming and directorial perspective), now they are reversing it and setting them in juxtaposition with one another - playing on the concept of one being alive while the other is dead and contrasting the actual reality of Eddies life with Eddies rose tinted version of things - the version he's trying to recreate with a doppelgänger.

Onto Buck

The shirt that changes colour depending on which picture you look at - is it brown and cream or dark greyish brown and blue/grey?!!

My personal feeling is that it will look more brown and cream on camera, but that we might see a little bit of the blue pinstripe come through! This means we need to not only look at Buck in pinstripes, but also when he has worn brown!

So lets look at when we've seen Buck wear brown!

We have 2x05 - a scene where Maddie is ranting about Gloria calling her constantly. In this scene Buck is in a brown marl tee (you'll have to take my word for it - I ran out of pictures and this one was the least important!), personally I don't think it fits into the narrative as it is a tee rather than a shirt or jacket, so I'm not including it in my wider anaylsis!

We get Brown sports jacket Buck - in 3x04 when he delivers the results of the 118's assessment and discovers Lena filing his space - Buck gets jealous and a little mad. (had to include the still where Edie is checking out Bucks ass because it will never not be funny and now has the added layers to it`!)

one episode later and we get more brown in the divorced buddie era 1.0 supermarket arguement of 3x05.

Things go quiet on the brown front for Buck until 4x14 and the 'it would've been better if it had been me who got shot' scene - this is is a borderline brown - it sits in the yellow ochre spectrum, but is closer to brown than yellow! This, like the last tine he wore brown, comes in the aftermath of Buck doing something stupid (climbing the crane)

Then Buck doesn't wear any brown in season 5, so its on to season 6 where we have 6x04 and this russet brown (which is a reddish brown) which Buck wears when Connor pays him a visit regarding the sperm donation.

Then later in the same season - 6x18 - we have the most recent Buck in brown sighting - when he is talking to Connor once more about Kameron being at his loft. with the added bonus of this being veritcally ribbed making it look like stripes!

As you can see we only see Buck wear brown in very specific moments and they tend to come in pairs - we get bright russety browns in the build up to Buck doing something stupid followed by a darker more muddy brown in the aftermath (in both s2 and s6). Only the one from season 4 doesn't fit the pattern as it doesn't have a pair.

But while events in seasons 3 and six are essentially of Bucks making - he sets things in motion - season 4 is not - Buck is not the instigator, he is a bystander dropped into the middle of something, if anything the fact his brown has yellowish undertones plays into its having a reverse effect - that it is the same as the russet browns - setting something in motion, but its pair is the brighter yellow ochre shirt from the will reveal - which sits in opposition to the darker browns - its not something Buck needs or wants to try and fix - its more of an affirmation of Bucks belonging and not something he needs to fight for.

I've spoken before in various meta's about brown being a colour of stability support and protection. it is also a colour of wisdom and counsel - and I think all of these will come into play with this new shirt in some capacity, because to put Buck in brown at this point is definitely a choice with intention behind it.

Now onto Buck in vertical stripes!

We'll do the light ones first. It's still insane to me that the first time we ever see Buck in vertical stripes is the shooting scene in 4x13.

Then ten episodes later, in 5x13 we see the next white striped shirt and its when Taylor is moving into the loft. These are the only two we have in a white and black/grey colour way.

The next time we see light stripes is in 6x01 - only now they are cream and blue rather than white and black/grey - when Buck moves his armchair and decides he doesn't need a couch .

Followed by 6x08 when Buck is in Uncle Buck mode and looking after Jee and being given the run around by her - again cream and blue.

The last Buck in light shirts with stripes sighting is from 7x05 - when he meets with Tommy for coffee, this time its cream with black and red stripes.

Then we have a couple of outliers - this light blue jacket from 6x01

and this grey one from 6x09

Then we have the dark ones!

This one from 4x14 when Taylor appears back on his doorstep after the shooting and kissing him

This one from 5x09 - the most awkward 'I love you' scene in the history of mankind

6x04 when he tells Conor and Kameron that he will be their sperm donor

in 6x07 we get two - both when he is trying to donate sperm and not being successful in this endeavour

in 6x17 we see him in this shirt when Maddie comes by for help with getting her stuck engagement ring off

and finally we have Buck and Tommys first date - which ends in failure.

and now we have a brown and cream/blue one joining the mix!

I've written before about Bucks vertically striped shirts - in various episode metas, as well as a separate post which is linked on my pinned post under Buck, But I'm going to talk about them again because he just keeps on wearing them at really interesting moments!

Buck seems to wear them at moments when he is essentially ‘imprisoned’ by something mentally - at moments when he either steps forwards or backwards in his self development, or stays in stasis - and which of these it is, is determined by the colour of the shirt and the stripes. The lighter ones are connected to moving forward and ultimately escaping, while the darker ones are about Buck being trapped and moving in the wrong direction.

Starting with the white shirts - I know on the face of it, it isn't easy to see either of the white shirts with black pinstripes as Buck moving forward, but while the scenes they are worn in themselves may not seem to be freeing, the resulting actions - the will reveal for the first one and the second one reveals Bucks true thoughts on his and Taylors relationship and thus marks the beginning of the end, I mean obviously the kiss is the actual moment that marks the beginning of the end but this moment - when he is talking to Maddie, the audience is made aware that Buck really and truly isn't all in with Taylor and that he has imprisoned himself - his ability to recognise that - the fact he is able to verbalise that he is afraid of being left - that is the moment of growth and escape for him.

The unhappy moments, the moments when he is regressing or clinging are signified by the black shirts with white or silver pinstripes.

With Taylor the two scenes we get black shirts with pinstripes are connected to Buck being in trauma response mode - the first in the aftermath of the shooting - starting a relationship when he's in a super raw place - his best friend has been shot and he's looking after said best friends son and climbing cranes to try and protect the rest of his found family (also adding Maddie's impending PPD to this as well as the Daniel of it all although those are less central in this moment in time).

Then the second one comes in the 'I kinda love you for it' scene - and off the back of Buck feeling and fearing that he is being left - that Taylor is pulling away from him.

The three all connected to the sperm donation all play into the narrative that Buck hasn't thought the sperm donation through fully - that the universe is screaming at him and he's trapping himself in a prison - we do see some of that play out as the season progresses when he becomes embroiled in Conor and Kameron's marriage and pregnancy dramas when his part in it all should've been done.

The scene with the stuck ring is a scene very much about Maddie but Buck does drop himself in it on two fronts - the ring cutter and in letting Maddie know that Hen and Chim had an arguement over Chim proposing to Maddie.

Buck and Tommys first date - again a prison of Bucks own making - this shirt very much plays into the disastrous nature of the date - with Bucks 'I'm and Ally' and comment about going to 'find chicks'

Then we have the shirts that somewhere in the middle. - the blue one from 6x01 where we have a Buck doing some mental self torture trying to work out why he’s been passed over for the interim Captain job but finally figuring it out,

The three cream ones are all essentially the cure for the previous, darker stripes - they play into the idea that Buck is learning and growing - in a way he wasn't when it was just black and white shirts and stripes from seasons 4 and 5 when we got a white shirt followed soon after by a black shirt (4x13 - White - 4x14 - black) or vice versa (5x09 - black - 5x13 - white).

We have 6x01 with the blue then cream - Buck in a mental prison around what he wants in life, but choosing to embrace being on his own and seeing where life takes him by the end of the episode. 6x04 and 6x07's navy blues connected to the sperm donation arc followed by 6x08's cream and blue one of the very real children in his life - one who he gets to be an active part of watching grow up. 7x04's navy date shirt one followed by 7x05's cream, black and red shirt when Buck requests and is granted a do over with Tommy

So how is this brown and cream one going to fit in? Well that is the million $$$$ question isn't it! My feelings are that it's going to fit in with the pattern and have a reverse one to go with it. Now I have two theories - the first is that its actually the brown pair to the one from season 4 - that its going to connect into Buck's statement that it would've been better for Chris if he'd been the one hurt - and therefore connect into the will of it all, playing on the concept of Chris (and Buck) finding out about Kim - connecting Eddies outfit into the equation - and lead to Buck once again stepping up to look after or support Chris in some capacity (maybe we'll get a parallel of Chris running to Buck after finding out about Ana and have Chris running to Buck after finding out about Kim, who knows!).

The other option is that we'll only see the pair to this brown striped shirt later down the line - whether we see that before the end of the season or have to wait for the start of season 8 I do't know - it really depends on how they close out this season and the Buck and Eddie arcs.

I'd like to think the fact that its brown and therefore means stability, support, protection and wisdom, means that it will be connected to Buck discovering Eddies cheating and then stepping up to support him and Chris through the fall out (after perhaps taking a moment to consider things) and that it is tied into the season 4 parallels, but I guess we'll all have to wait and see!

Essentially all of Bucks striped and or brown tops have a pair and play on the idea of light and dark to varying degrees as well as the concept of being trapped or imprisoned by some form of traumatic event.

Hopefully this makes sense and that you've enjoyed reading this deep dive into Bucks stripes and Eddies wearing of black! I can't wait to hear your thoughts!

Tagged people below

@theladyyavilee @mistmarauder @xxfiction-is-my-realityxx @bewilderedbuckley @spotsandsocks

@bewitchedbewilderedbisexual @rogerzsteven @wanderingwomanwondering @oneawkwardcookie @leothil

@copyninjabuckley @shammers86 @crazyfangirlallert @missmagooglie @katyobsesses

@radiation-run @gayandbifiremenofmine @bi-moonlight @crazyaboutotps @princesschez75

@alliaskisthepossibilityoflove @sherlocking-out-loud @satashiiwrites @lover-of-mine @yramesoruniverse

@extasiswings @favouritealias @pop-kam @b-dwolf @maygrcnt

@chaosandwolves

#kym costume meta #911 costume meta #specualtion meta #911 colour theory #911 bts costumes #911 abc #Buck vertical stripe theory #the parallels are paralleling #911 spoilers #eddie diaz #evan buckley #buddie #911 spec

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amongemeraldclouds · 1 day

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How Lorenzo Berkshire looks at you when

…you ask him to smile for a photo before you head off to the Yule Ball.

You: what kind of smile is that? Enzo: *narrows his eyes* what? I was smiling! You: you look constipated. Think of something that genuinely makes you smile. Enzo: I don’t have to think, I’ll just look at you. Let’s try it again.

…he tries to befriend your cat.

Enzo: I think Mr. Whiskers is starting to like m— Enzo: Never mind. You: *laughing* don’t worry, he’ll like you in time. Enzo: Guess I’ll just have to hang around more often. For Mr. Whiskers, of course. Enzo’s thoughts: Mostly for you, but you don’t need to know that yet.

…he tries to bake cookies for you.

Enzo: Or maybe don’t eat it, love. This is terrible. You: I’m sure it’s not — *you take a bite then spit it out*. I really want to be supportive here, but that is… Enzo: Awful, it’s okay. You can be honest. I seem to have swapped the sugar with salt. You: It’s the thought that counts! Enzo: Well then in that case, I guess you’re the only sweet thing I need in my life.

You teach him how to bake and the batch you make together turns out yummy!

…he wakes you up the next day after sleeping together.

You: Ugh, it’s 7AM. It’s illegal to be so bright and cheery at this hour. Enzo: But it’s a good day! Especially after the night we had. You: One where you kept me up all night. I need five more minutes *you turn away from him*. Enzo: Didn’t see you complaining last night. I believe you said, “yess baby, more—” *you hit him with your pillow* Enzo: Ow! Don’t be like that, I’ll give you a good reason to wake up. *He kisses you tenderly, starting from your cheeks to your neck.*

One thing leads to another and you’re both late to class despite his best efforts to get up early. Do either of you regret it? Absolutely not.

…he adds melody to the poem you wrote about your relationship, turning it into a song.

You: I was going to tease you it’s cheesy, but it’s actually so lovely! Enzo: We could play it at our wedding. You: What wedding? You haven’t even proposed. Enzo: Does that mean you’ll say yes? You: Guess you’ll find out when we get there. Enzo: Well then in that case… *he reaches in his pocket and pulls out a small box, moving to kneel in front of you*

✿ Masterlist | 425 words

A/N: This was so fun to do! Saw this kind of format first from @rafesslxt so credit where it’s due 💚

#lorenzo berkshire x reader #lorenzo berkshire imagine #lorenzo berkshire x you #lorenzo berkshire headcanons #lorenzo berkshire fluff #lorenzo berkshire #enzo berkshire x you #enzo berkshire fluff #enzo berkshire imagine #enzo berkshire x reader #enzo berkshire #amongemeraldclouds fluff #amongemeraldcloudswrites

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mychlapci · 2 days

Note

Please, the “I didn’t know I was pregnant”, Dratchlock style, “everyone is dumb, ESPECIALLY RATCHET” edition:

So, I had this idea/dream where Dratchet was a thing right after Drift was rescued, up to the Deadlock stage (then, they lose sight of each others until MTMTE).

Ratcher get sparked back in Rodion, he tries to tell Drift but he just became Deadlock… somehow some senators finds out about Ratchet’s state and they terminate it because “medics can’t have sparklings..” (something about losing focus on the care of their patients, especially if they are self centered, pompous pricks).

Ratchet is crushed but theres no time in war to mourn.

He and Deadlock keep bunching into each others, Deadlock notices how Ratchet’s act around sparkling or younger bots… one day he asks if Ratchet had ever had sparklings (cause he remembers a long list of messages, all saying “I’ve something important to tell you!!!).

Ratchet answers, dead serious: Medics can’t have sparklings.

Somehow, Deadlock understands.

Skipping forward, to the very epilogue of LL, Ratchet and Drift are fragging freely, they’re both old as balls, and sadly, can’t get sparked.

At some point, Ratchet gets a little too frisky even for Drift, but they don’t really worry about it. Rodimus join, and everything seems fine.

After some time (cause off course, their pregnancies last fucking years), after a very intense coupling with the ambulance in the middle, Ratchet feels strange, his abdomen start cramping and his pussy hurts… they all think it related to the intense fucking, but after some time, pacing, confusion and panic from Rodimus and Drift, Ratchet pops out first one, then another sparklings… the sparklings are small (still way bigger than whatever Ratchet has been putting up his valve), and Ratchet’s platings never bowed out, and his last reframe was already rounder and softer…

They’re all very confused, especially First Aid, who can’t believe how little maintenance Ratchet does on himself.

ooOOoh that's what i'm talking about baby. Ratchet is perfect for this... He's old and he believes the abortion he had to have back at the start of the war might have straight up sterilized him (the autobots couldn't have had their best medic incapacitated by carrying, after all, so it would make sense they'd take the ability from him in the first place...) so he wouldn't worry about leading a carefree sex life with Drift. Besides, Drift has it in his charts that his transfluid is weak. Rodimus, though? Oh, Ratchet definitely didn't take Rodimus into account.

mhmmm I can imagine them all exhausted after some really intense, messy interfacing and Ratchet is panting more than normal... He feels odd cramps down in his abdomen, valve gushing. He noticed that he'd been much wetter today than normal but maybe he just begrudgingly admitted to his speedsters that he's missed them during his shift and didn't think much of it. Drift sees him wince but Ratchet just brushes him off, tells him they just might have gotten a little too rough with it, even if they all know that that's not true. They didn't do anything out of the ordinary...

After a while the pain just gets unbearable. Roddy and Drift want to call First Aid but Ratchet insists he's fine. Maybe he even tries to get up to prove it but he ends up doubling over himself, and then the first sparkling slides out of him with a single strong push, accompanied by a puddle of birthing fluids. Drift and Rodimus are speechless. Ratchet just pushes again and its twin falls out of him in quick succession... the pain finally stops and he's left staring between his legs, at the freshly birthed babies, wondering. What the fuck.

First Aid probably bursts into the room shortly after – either Drift or Rodimus or both have called him in secret because Ratchet really didn't look fine. He sees the birthing fluids covering the floor and the bed and the two sparklings held shakily in Ratchet's hands and he just sighs. Doctors make the worst fucking patients, man. How could he have not known he was pregnant? He's lucky the sparklings came out relatively healthy because at his age, having a complication-less carriage was a one in a million chance.

#valveplug #birth #birth mention #pregnancy mention #texty

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nalyra-dreaming · 1 day

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https://www.tumblr.com/nalyra-dreaming/750916431920676864/hi-nalyra-i-may-be-reading-you-wrong-so-clarify

Regarding my last ask I have a rough idea but you can go ahead and explain

Sure!

So, buckle up ;)

So I just checked but the only true Loumand post I tagged “lol“ on was this one (if I saw that correctly):

Note that "I can SMELL the discourse that will happen already" there.

That is something I anticipate - because, well. Armand... is Armand.

I'll elaborate the (book) canon on that below the cut:

Armand has been a coven master for centuries, in the Children of Satan/Darkness and later as the master at the theater. He was literally tasked to uphold the laws of the vampires and did so as he saw fit. I have talked about them here, note also the difference these laws go through in the books:

Armand does what he sees is best, which does not always align with what others think is best. For example he usually hunts down rogue vampires, "cleaning up" so to speak, which is something that Lestat for example is loathe to do in the later books.

And he canonically influences Louis several time with the mind/spell gift, to make him do something - even after he promised Louis not to do so (here an ask with quotes):

Armand originally is interested in Louis because he is Lestat's ... he literally "imprinted" on Lestat when showed up after his turning, because Lestat reminded him so much of Marius.

Lestat goes to him to plead for Louis' and Claudia's life after Claudia tried to kill him, and Armand, though he did promise he would help Lestat if he asked him to, throws him into a dungeon instead, starves him, and then uses him at the trial against Louis and Claudia.

The trial itself happens because Louis - even deeply infatuated with Armand - decides to leave with Claudia and Madeleine after all. (And of course the coven knows, and insists on the rules.)

Armand uses the spell gift on him as they are taken by the coven to be tried.

Louis is sentenced to be entombed, something the original cult Armand was the leader of did to young vampires - until they're mad or manage to dig themselves out.

Claudia is sentenced to death. Madeleine as well. Later on it is revealed that Armand has a little surgical theater there as well, where he conducts the experiment of chopping off Claudia's head to sew it onto a grown woman's body. But he is unsatisfied with the result and puts Claudia and Madeleine into the sun after.

Armand digs Louis out after a while, and Louis feeds (a lot) and destroys the coven.

He thinks Lestat died there, but actually it is later revealed that Armand throws Lestat off a tower instead, and tells Lestat Louis and Claudia are dead.

Louis goes on, numb, and Armand... tags along, keeping a "veil" between Louis and the world.

Louis stays with Armand, because he has nowhere else to go - and despite knowing that Armand killed Claudia.

He stays until the veil is lifted and Armand finally tells him Lestat did not die.

Armand... is Armand.

We will see the horrific things he can do wrt the Devil's Minion arc with Daniel as well, because Armand hunted Daniel. And the beginning of their relationship was far from cute. I think that will be episode 5.

Also, Armand is not too big on consent. He does what he thinks best.

I reblogged something earlier wrt this as well:

So where does that leave us with the show and wrt my tag? :)

When Armand says he never hurt Louis then he is not lying. But look at their faces after:

That's history, baby.

Because no, Armand does not physically hurt Louis.

But he literally hurts everyone Louis loves in an effort to keep Louis for himself.

He experiments and then kills Claudia (and Madeleine). He hurts Lestat and tells him Louis is dead. He tells Louis Lestat is dead and keeps him under the "veil".

And it will be far from pretty.

#anonymous #ask nalyra #armand #consent #mind gift #spell gift #iwtv s2 #iwtv #amc iwtv #interview with the vampire #interview with the vampire s2 #amc interview with the vampire #interview with the vampire amc #iwtv amc #louis de pointe du lac #loumand #links #book quotes

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mochiwrites · 2 days

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omg their anniversary ??? augh that’s so 😭😭 did they realize it was their anniversary date? or only once they got home? how do they feel about third life after the fact, once they’ve had some time to decompress with eachother?

>:3c I think they realize it after they get home. and well…

grian does not handle it well. at all. he closes himself off from scar for a while, purposefully hiding and sleeping in his own base. it’s one of the rare times where scar can’t get through to grian at all. and it kills him to see him hurting so much, especially when he knows that grian would never hurt him intentionally

and scar feels so bad for putting this fate on grian. but he knew he’d never be able to live with himself if he killed grian. he knew he wasn’t strong enough to do it. which makes him feel like the worst person in the world

it lasts for maybe a few weeks until there’s an intervention, and mumbo is trying to get through to grian just as scar comes around and begs him to talk. and when they finally do talk the flood gates open. it ends with them holding onto each other, clinging, and lots of crying. they whisper a lot of apologies and I love yous, and scar tries to stamp out as much of grian’s guilt as he possibly can, while so earnestly asking grian for his forgiveness for his selfishness

when all is said and done, there’s conflicting feelings about third life. there were happy moments, things the two of them will forever hold close. but there are moments they’d rather forget. that they don’t talk about after their initial conversation

but they heal together, always together

#mochi speaks #secret husbands au

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captaindanvers89 · 1 day

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If the Yellowjackets characters were high school teachers, I feel like they would teach these subjects

Jackie: The principal with a homoerotic relationship with the English Lit teacher. The door’s locked whenever said teacher goes in for a “workplace meeting.” Occasionally scolding Nat for smoking in the classrooms but they smoke together behind the school when they think no one’s watching.

Shauna: The English Literature and languages teacher who gives off Emily Dickinson vibes. Only wears flannels to work and made the students depressed when they had to read Sylvia Plath. She also teaches French, she’s fluent in it but accidentally taught all the swear words when Jackie made her mad.

Natalie: The biology and chemistry teacher. Everyone loves her classes as she teaches the about the chemical properties of weed and other drugs. She also teaches the students how to blow stuff up and may have ordered one or two suspicious chemicals under the school’s budget. Think Lucifer when he taught those kids how to grow and market weed. The students think she’s dating the Art and Philosophy teacher but no one can prove it.

Lottie: The Art and Philosophy teacher. She has a calming energy which the students love, especially when they’ve just left Nat’s class. They feel like they’ve joined a cult. Philosophy class is just as fun, Lottie says the most random things and the students will discuss it. For example, the students had an hour long discussion about the wilderness and how prolonged exposure would affect the human mind. The students think that her classes are purposely after Nat’s classes so that their classrooms are next to each other.

Taissa: I wanna say she’s the Vice Principal but also the PE teacher . As the VP, she’s really nice, comforting and will support the students no matter what. But as the PE teacher, she becomes an army drill sergeant. The students fear her class and wonder why they have to play soccer for every session. And sometimes she teaches Geography which extends to random field trips to the woods where she teaches the students how to navigate their way out.

Van: Idk why but she gives off Maths/ Physics teacher vibes. She would always draw a relation to both subjects and somehow teaches college level stuff by accident. She shares teaching geography with Tai but always ends up telling the story of how she was attacked by a pack of wolves and survived.

Misty: The school nurse. Everyone’s pretty sure the food poisoning ordeal was caused by her but they don’t have proof. She somehow can sense when someone is injured and is by their side before they can run from her. She hasn’t been fired because Jackie’s slightly afraid of what she’ll do if she does.

Laura Lee: I’m gonna go with religion. She leads a prayer circle before class starts and while she looks like a cinnamon roll, she can throw hands. The last parent who told her that God will punish gay people ran out of the classroom, fearing for his life. The students think she has a situationship with Lottie but it’s hard to tell.

Mari: The home economics teacher. She’s sarcastic all the time and will teach students how to cook the most random food. They might learn how to cook bear meat for one class than learn why boiling leather belts in water does not make for good soup.

#yellowjackets #misty quigley #lottie matthews #shauna shipman #jackieshauna #jackie taylor #taivan #taissa turner #vanessa palmer

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rindough · 2 days

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for the song thingy !! ive had i will from mitski on repeat for a couple of days and my brain cant help but think about blade w it... especially the first verse 🤕

hello anon!! n this song is so... calm? its smth i would listen to in the morning, which is why i pair mornings with blade after nights where he has his moments, or mornings when he suddenly feels like a weight being pushed onto him, causing him to stir and stir, flopping left and right in bed.

the problem with blade is that he is GOOD at being silent at night, if he has a hard time falling asleep, best believe he uses his capabilities to the max and silently uses his phone by your side as you sleep, unknowing your lover is still wide awake at the ungodly hours. sometimes when you do catch him being wide awake, staring at the ceiling or curled up into a ball with a phone in his hand, mindlessly scrolling through reels or whatever article, you'd pull him close into your embrace, which he gladly indulges, but he doesnt blame how slumber could easily sweep you off your feet into dream land.

if only he could stay asleep at this time like you.

perhaps he had his coffee at an inappropriate time, or he has his moments when nightmares and trauma haunts him. which brings him to now, where he blinks at the ray of sunlight that beams happily onto his face. how long has he been asleep for? probably less than a single hand of his.

"morning bladie," he grunts at your direction, seeing you walking around the room to pick your phone up before coming to his side, flopping beside this lump of comforter as he feels your two limps pull him into your warmth. "sorry i can't stay up with you last night."

he hums, not with any ill intention but simply cuz he was tired. he knows how hard you've tried form the way you try to fight your heavy eyelids last night.

"enough sleep?" he smiles at the smile giggle that leaves your lips when he wraps his comforter around you, engulfing you in his 'big' hug.

"i dont know. maybe?"

"then we'll stay in today," you look up at him, grinning before pecking the bottom of his chin. you stood up.

"come," you put a hand out which he gladly takes. once out of the room, he's just... he's just surrounded by LOVE, like it's in the air, in your body language, in your words, your shared house. the smell of tea, the smell of toast and breakfast pulls him out of his misery a little. bringing him into the present when he stares at the sunlit counter top. he slowly sits down, watching your back as you begin stirring a cup that he knows will be his to drink soon. and when you turn to meet him with eyes that know too well on his surroundings and his experiences, to observe the features on a face he longs and adores daily, on a face he has seen gone through so many emotions in your time together, both as work companions and lovers. he feels his heart grow heavy, both in guilt and from warmth, from this thing called 'love'.

you scoff, growing a little self conscious given how long he's been studying your face. "what?"

"thank you." blade utters, a hand coming up to rub his knuckles along the skin of your cheek. the way your lips easily mellow into a smile brings him to want to kiss you, yet he refrains so. maybe later, he thinks.

you look away, lips pouting a little whilst he watches the way your shoulder shrugs. "anything for you? what's up... baby?"

he grins at how sheepish you've become, the hand that was caressing your cheek slips to the back of your neck, pulling you into his arms.

"thank you, y/n." he says once more, a hand by the back of your torso while the other caresses your head.

to him, your effort and love for him is great and sometimes it leaves him thinking what did he do to deserve this? but honestly i think he deserves everything life has to offer.

he's grateful, forever grateful to have you by his side.

#💌 — letters!!#blade x reader #blade hsr #hsr x reader #honkai star rail x reader #anon!!#ANOTHER MITSKI SONG TO MY FAVS

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marvelqueenhere · 2 days

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Merthur being idiots in love aka self sacrificial

Being attacked and left in the middle of a forest to die is not how Merlin imagined his birthday would be spent. However, when he sees Arthur being in that critical condition, there's not much else to consider but to fix the problem. How can he ensure Arthur is safe? He is breathing so faintly, barely concious with so much blood loss.

Merlin isn't doing much better himself but that's not the point. He knows he doesn't have enough strength to use magic at this stage. But if he used up all his energy, his magic and life force, there's a chance he can save Arthur. He'll take his chances, thank you very much. As for hiding his magic, he couldn't care less at this point. Yes Arthur will be angry, almost feral when he realises and recognises Merlin for the monster he is. But he certainly would rather spend all his energy to transport Arthur to Camelot. After that, it's not like he'll survive anyway. Maybe that betrayal would help Arthur in his grief. (yes, he'll see that Merlin's loss is not worth spending much time over). He knows what he has to do now. He looks at Arthur one last time. Sees him a bit wide eyed and exhausted, trying to roll towards him. He smiles at him one last time. It always has been for you, Arthur, he thinks. My magic, my loyalty, me. It was my absolute honor, serving you, Sire.

Arthur is trying really hard to hold on to his consciousness. He really is, especially after Merlin smiled at him. That idiot! He knows that face. It's his 'I will do whatever it takes because it is the right thing to do face'. He sees his stubborn set of jaw, his shoulders rolled back, as his eyes turn golden..What?! Everything seems to click in slow motion for him. Merlin, despite bleeding and injured as bad as he is, looks positively radiant. He has magic! Right now, covered in blood, oozing out golden light from his body, it seems more apt to say he is magic, rather than he has it. However, he hasn't much time to think of it. Merlin's focus and his determination alarms him. There's definitely something insanely stupidly self sacrificial about it. He can feel his panic rise. In his fear, he instinctually rolls over with all his energy as does the one thing he can think of : hold onto Merlin. Whatever is happening, he knows in his heart he can face it if Merlin is with him, by his side, where he always wishes him to be.

3 days later

He sends for Merlin. He needs to make sure how to keep him safe. He can't think of what would happen if news of Merlin's magic gets out. He arranges the funds to send him away, speaks to someone he knows so he can work. He also makes it that it's halfway between Camelot and his hometown.

Merlin enters. Worn out, dark circles and pale skin. It pains him physically to see him this way. At least he has a trusted horse to take him where he needs to be, with enough money that he can sustain himself comfortably even if he doesn't work at all the coming couple of years.

Merlin's shoulders have a resigned droop, his eyes a sign of quiet peaceful resignation. Arthur wants Merlin to sit comfortably, have a healthy plate and then discuss his plans. Alas he can't afford such a luxury when every minute is an added risk. He had waited for Merlin to recover just enough and it was already 3 days too many.

Merlin walks slowly but surely. However what he does next makes Arthur startle a step back. Merlin comes close enough to him, makes very very brief eye contact, enough to give him a small smile and then kneels! He has his hands behind his back and head bowed enough to almost touch Arthur's ankles.

"Sire, I accept the consequences of what I am. It was my absolute honor to serve you. If you will let me can I ask of you one last wish before I meet my end?"

Arthur has no idea how to respond. What is Merlin talking about? What end ? Sure it might be his last time in Camelot, but Arthur knows and can feel Merlin means something more than that. He's trying very hard not to acknowledge what Merlin is thinking. Merlin takes his shock as hesitation. His face twists before it clears with renewed perseverance. "Please Sire. Gaius has nothing to do with what I am. He's old enough to be spared seeing me burn. If you'll only grant my request to make this a private affair, I'll be infinitely grateful for it"

With horror, Arthur moves with the intention of pulling Merlin up. But he only bows further to touch his forehead to Arthur's feet.

Arthur CANNOT take this anymore. Merlin really thought this of him? after all this time? and came to him like an animal to be slaughtered? His blood boils. He always knew anger is his worst enemy.

To be continued...

#bbc merlin #merlin #merlin x arthur #arthur pendragon #magic reveal #idiots in love #angst

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warlordfelwinter · 6 months

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[Call him by his name.]

#and then emet-selch shoots him in the ass #i just!!!!!! FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!#THE WAY FIVER REACHES FOR HIM!!!#i am absolutely incosolable #screaming crying throwing up #the way g'raha tries to write himself out of the story at the very last #also just thinking about how he must feel hearing someone call him by his name after literally a century #how must he feel seeing the grief on fiver's face #knowing he has to hurt him One Last Time to save his life #hhhgs;djfdfnghsghhghhhhhhh (<- general coherence of my thoughts about the exarch)#fel's ffxiv #shadowbringers lb #oc: fiver #love also that he managed to keep his hood on through everything up until now #including through actual combat in holminster switch and earlier on the dwarf field trip #holminster switch especially where he's tanking and is presumably moving around a lot while he's hitting things with a sword #and then one gust of magic light and whoosh there it goes

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mars-ipan · 1 year

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honestly i don’t really think any mental illnesses have been like “destigmatized”- not fully at least. i think the stigma has just changed from demonization to “that’s not a real problem get over it god”

#obviously demonization is more Actively Harmful #but to say things like depression and anxiety have been destigmatized is. incorrect i feel #yes we are not treated like we’re evil. which is for sure an improvement #nobody deserves to be treated like they’re evil #but our illnesses are now being dismissed. ‘oh everyone has that’ not like me #‘you’re just being lazy’ i wish that were true #like. ok hold on let me use an example bc i’m worried abt reading comprehension on this website #(not my followers i trust u guys but i act as if every post i make will get popular)#my brother is autistic. i have GAD.#my brother was diagnosed when he was 2. he’s faced a lot of bullying from both kids and adults and it sucks and he didn’t deserve it #because of all that bullying (especially as a kid) he’s rejecting his autism and focusing really hard on being as ‘normal’ as possible #i was diagnosed last year at 17. i’ve been having these issues my whole life (my mom and i both saw it) but my issues were dismissed #by all the other adults around me (save for family) because i wasn’t visibly struggling and i was doing well in school #it made me doubt my convictions for a long time. what if i’m wrong?#as such i didn’t seek a diagnosis for a long time until my anxiety had gotten to a point where i knew i couldn’t keep ignoring it #now that i have that diagnosis i’m able to wield it as a weapon. my struggles aren’t made up #they’re real. and they always have been. and i can’t just ‘calm down’ like you can. and that needs to be respected #so while i think one is more actively harmful (bullying and harassment lead to self-rejection and loathing)#the other is also harmful- just passively (constantly being dismissed leads to self-doubt and not asking for help)#also why are people angry about the idea of a mental illness being destigmatized?#one group freeing itself from oppression isn’t gonna immediately forget about the groups who helped them get there #if i’m one day able to get perfect accomodations for my anxiety and nobody looks at me like i’m dramatic when i talk about it #i’m not gonna suddenly stop advocating for mental health issues to be normalized #if anything i’ll argue HARDER. you learned to understand me now learn to understand my siblings #learn to understand those with bpd. with psychosis. the sociopaths. the narcissists. the systems #i’m not gonna act like i have it worse than people who are heavily stigmatized. i’m not gonna get attacked for stuttering at mcdonalds #but that doesn’t mean i have /no/ problems and it doesn’t mean i think i’m better than anyone else #i don’t get why people fight each other about this. it’s a good thing so long as we remember where we came from

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bmpmp3 · 2 months

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and you WILL listen to my half finished synthv covers (vsqx by help me)

#vocal synth wip #synthv #genbu #in the time since my last half finished cover i have purchased the full version of my beloved dolphin being electrocuted genbu #jk jk i really do think his full standard is solid. his lite is glitched out but thats not his fault he was just programmed that way #although as he is a standard bank i do miss the breath phonemes. and he doesnt even have like a folder of external soundbytes or anything #he cant breathe 😔 thats okay genbu i still love you. even though you cant breathe.#for real i do love how his bank sounds like. so moody? i remember they wanted to make an ai bank for him #and that would be fun to have especially to fit his voicevox counterpart better (AND ALSO BREATH PHONEMES!!!!!)#but there is like this gloomy quality to his standard that i think sounds so good in songs like this #lots of power but very dark. perfect for crying his eyes out in alt rock LOL #anyway. despite my love for genbu. as you can hear i am still fighting against his volume discrepancies LOL #compression settings are so hard to figure out in mixing orz the real hard part with vocal synth covers no one warns u about #BUT IM GETTNG THERE also i think i wanna do a couple more things in the synthv editor. mostly messing with phonemes and expression and whtv #u can also hear that genbu struggles at saying 'warau' in the same soft way miku does in the original LOL but i think it adds character #his like. aggressive enunciation. in his voicevox talk bank and with his real life voice provider the enunciation sounds more like charming #like a silly and blunt but very kind young man. but in his synthv bank it makes him sound like hes fucking seething sometimes LOL #moody and gloomy indeed <3 its fun when that happens in vocal synths: where the synth just sounds completely like its own thing #because of the resampling process or whatever. lots of examples like vocaloid ia vs lia or like i dunno. miriam vs miriam stockley LOL #anyway. time to go back in the trenches (trying to mix genbus voice in fucking fruityloops)

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andivmg · 2 months

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My experience with Luke (Punz)

CW: toxic relationship, racism, dubious consent

I know in the past i said that i would no longer speak about him publicly, and when talking about my experiences with abuse and emotional mistreatment i begged to keep it anonymous but after reflecting on this for a week and seeing so many incredibly smart and strong women tell their stories. they have given me the strength to say his name.

this is really scary to talk about because of the copious levels of harassment i have received from his fans in the past so if this spreads or gets out of hand i will simply log off.

If you read my last post, i nicknamed him 1.

So aside from everything i said there, there were a lot of things i didn’t include because they would’ve made it obvious that it was him and it could potentially backfire on me so, i’m very afraid to post this. but i’m going to do it scared anyway, because it’s not fair that he gets to just go and live his life worry-free as if he didn’t practically ruin mine.

Because I already made a very lengthy post about him, i won’t include everything i said last time to avoid being redundant but if i repeat myself, please bear with me.

In our year long relationship i had to endure emotional neglect, gaslighting, verbal abuse, one instance where there was dubious consent, and much more.

Starting off at the beginning of our relationship, that’s when i was getting copious amounts of hate and harassment from his fan base (warranted or not), he decided that our relationship must be kept private. he said it was to “protect” me from his fanbase when in reality it was to protect himself. it was so he wouldn’t get all the backlash i was getting. this is funny because one of the things i got called out for was saying the B slur (derogatory term used against mexicans/latinos). I won’t get into the nuances of if i could say it or not as a puertorican because that’s discourse that does not pertain to this specific situation. But you know who definitely can’t say it? A white boy from Massachusetts. When i was getting cancelled for this and getting thousands of tweets calling me names, he decided that was the perfect time to say “I mean you are a b***** aren’t you? my little b*****.” Now, he said this completely unprompted. I was in the process of writing my apology and he just said that. I tell you this because i immediately shut him down and told him that there was no universe in which it was okay for him to say that word and especially not one where he could just call me that. While i was reprimanding him, he was smiling and laughing. he apparently found it amusing to call me a slur. regardless, he gave me a half-assed apology and said he wouldn’t do it again. and he didn’t. but this wasn’t the only time he was weirdly racist to me. this was my first time being in an interracial relationship so i was led to believe that this was normal by all the white people around me at the time. But, sometimes my spanish accent would come out and he would make fun of me and the way i pronounced some words. He also refused to visit me in Puerto Rico when i lived there or come meet my family when i really wanted him to because he “didn’t like the heat” or “it’s dangerous there isn’t it?”. Once, while we were watching season 2 of Bridgerton, he implied that the Sharma sisters were “too dark” for him to be attracted to them. This hurt me because they are brown skinned girls. I am a brown skinned girl. Then this, combined with the fact that he told me once he wasn’t attracted to me made me feel like my skin color was unattractive. These are only a few examples i can think of at the moment, but i’m sure there were more. Our relationship ended in 2022 so some of my memory is a bit hazy. But, I do remember feeling inferior to him throughout the relationship because he was white and I was not. I chalk that up to all the micro aggressions i had to deal with because i had never felt that way around white people before.

Another thing i had to endure was him constantly making me feel like he was embarrassed to be with me. Because i was cancelled, he didn’t want to associate with me too much. He did defend me on multiple occasions, I’ll give him that. But, he only did it because his name was getting dragged in the mud along with mine. Excusing my actions made him look better for being around me. In reality he didn’t really care. Because he was such a big content creator and someone i looked up to professionally, I took his advice as law. He told me to tone down my personality, to keep a low profile, to change things about myself to be more palatable to his audience. The same audience that spoke about me like “The pussy can’t be that good punz please stop defending her”. So i changed a lot of things about myself and my content to better suit what his audience liked. He made me feel like if his audience liked me, he would be public about our relationship and stop hiding it. He told me the reason why he wanted to keep our relationship a secret was because he didn’t want to get hate for it. But this wasn’t true. On my 20th birthday he went to Las Vegas for a twitch rivals event. That night i asked to facetime him to say goodnight and he refused because he was at a hotel room with his friends and he didn’t want them to know that we were together. It was as if my mere presence or the utterance of my name was a source of embarrassment for him. And he didn’t let me forget it. It wasn’t just a public thing at that point. He didn’t want people to know we were together, period. This was devastating to me because I would talk to all my friends about him. I was so proud to be with him and I was just one more problem to him. He made me feel so small and insignificant just because his fans didn’t like me.

He would berate me a lot. Not just due to getting heat online, although he did do that a lot. But in general whenever we would get into an argument or a disagreement he would always call me names like annoying or weird or stupid. He would raise his voice at me if i did something he didn’t like and call me an idiot. And that really hurt, i felt like i couldn’t bring up anything or do anything without getting insulted. If I hadn’t seen him in a few days because he was too busy streaming and i asked to hang out he would call me needy, clingy, and annoying. Granted, he might not have been wrong, but that is not something you say to someone you claim to love. He also insulted me when i was in depressive episodes. I have BPD and at the time i was not being treated properly for it. So, I was all over the place emotionally and he was what i clung to for validation, reassurance, and love. I talked to him when we first started dating about my disorder and told him that if it seemed like something he couldn’t handle that he could opt out of the relationship. I guess he didn’t think it was that bad or something idk because whenever i had really bad depressive episodes, he would tell me I was too sad to hang out with. He said that my sadness was a burden to him. Which would be fair. But, once my mother had a conversation with him about me. She told him that i am someone who needs a lot of love and caring. She said that if he wasn’t willing to put in that kind of effort into a relationship to just leave me alone. He reassured her that he would be there for me no matter what. He told my mother that he would protect me and my heart. He did not. He took all the warnings I gave him and ignored them and then made me feel like I was the problem. And even worse, he would say that i was pretending to be sad to get his attention when he would neglect for days at a time.

There were also some smaller things like the fact that he made me feel really guilty whenever he would spend money on me. Also, he would be really mean about my eating habits. For context, i used to suffer from an eating disorder. I was anorexic and had a really unhealthy relationship with food during high school and my first year of uni. This relationship began when i was recovering from my ED. For me, eating was really hard. So i had certain comfort foods that, while sometimes unhealthy, at least it was something to eat when i didn’t feel like eating anything. He knew this. Yet, whenever i would crave some of these foods he would call me fat. Constantly told me I’d gain weight from eating all that junk food. Saying that to someone with an eating disorder is crazy. Other smaller things were that whenever I would post tiktoks where i was lip syncing or just looking good he would yell at me and say i was looking for attention. Same with Instagram or Twitter whenever i would post photos where I looked hot. He never planned out a single date for us. I would beg him to get me flowers and he did maybe once but i’ll get into that in a bit. He would make fun of me in front of his friends to make himself look better. He let his friends say really degrading things about me in his presence. For example, once when i was showering, i overheard him on a discord call with George and Sapnap and i heard George say “if you don’t go in the shower and have sex with Andi, i will”. Once, when i was really struggling with my legs (for those of you who don’t know, i have arthritis and it’s very painful. at the time i wasn’t diagnosed but i was in a lot of pain) I literally could not walk. I had to beg him to take me to the ER because i didn’t know what was wrong with me. He didn’t want to take me but eventually i convinced him, and while we were there all he did was complain about how long it was taking and that he would have rather been at home streaming. Whenever I would talk about my interests that i was excited about like shows or books he would be incredibly uninterested and say that those things were stupid and he didn’t want to hear about them. I know all of these seem very silly or superficial but cumulatively it was awful.

Now for arguably the most serious thing i’m going to talk about. I want to preface this by saying i am just telling my side of what happened. You can come to your own conclusions about this.

On April 25, 2022 it was our one year anniversary, and i had made a dinner reservation for us. I expected him to plan something throughout the day for us to do. He told me he was going to spend the whole day playing Valorant so I got upset and cancelled the reservation. After a very heated argument, we calmed down and i asked him to come over. He came over about an hour later with flowers and drinks (I was 20 at the time so I couldn’t buy the drinks myself). He brought Smirnoffs and Trulys. For context, I am a lightweight. I always have been. I literally get tipsy on half a cocktail. And that day, I hadn’t eaten anything because i was in distress over our argument. So we get to talking and drinking. I blacked out after my second Smirnoff. Apparently I drank 3 but I genuinely cannot remember anything after finishing the second one. The next morning i woke up naked in my bed. I woke him up and asked him “Luke, why am I naked?” and he said “Because you didn’t want to put your clothes back on.” When I clarified to him that that was not what I meant, he got defensive and said that he didn’t realize how drunk I was. He proceeded to tell me that I initiated sex with him and that i was very enthusiastic about it. He said he didn’t know i could black out on three smirnoffs. He made fun of me for being a lightweight and continued to make light of the situation. Then he mentioned that i fell off the bed at some point in the night and that it was funny how drunk I was. I then questioned him. Because if he thought that me tripping and falling off the bed because i was so drunk was funny, how did he not know that i was too drunk? He responded by saying that i fell off the bed only after we were done. That day I broke up with him. I’m still really confused about what happened that night. I don’t remember anything and all I have to go on is what he said to me. We were in a relationship at the time and he says he didn’t know how drunk I was so I’m not sure what to call what happened. A while after that day, his friend that hmu while we were broken up and I started talking again and i confided in him about that night. He told me to be careful saying things like that because they could get me into trouble. I spoke to some of our other friends about it and they told me it was no big deal and that it wasn’t his fault that he didn’t know how drunk I really was. Because I don’t remember, I have been led to believe that this is not a serious matter. You can think what you want, come to whatever conclusions you want. That is just my side of the story.

I want to add that I’m not proud of how I acted after the relationship ended. I felt really angry at all the shit he put me through and I guess a part of me wanted him to hurt even a quarter of how I did. So I started talking to his friend and got involved with him. This backfired on me because his friend ended up really hurting me too so ig i got my karma. But the thing that hurt the most is that because of what I did, some of our friends took his side in the break up. I was told that I did something terrible by getting involved with his friend that he was already insecure about and that he didn’t deserve that. These are the same friends who were witness to the dumpster fire of a relationship we had and all the things he did to me. They turned their backs on me because of this one thing I did. But stood by and watched as he treated me like garbage for over a year.

I will conclude this by saying that while this relationship has been “over and done with” for almost two years now, I carry a lot of trauma from it still. I still talk about him in therapy and have had to put in a lot of work to heal from what he did and i still cannot say that i am okay. I am very blessed to now have a patient and understanding partner who has helped me heal from that trauma and i just want to quickly thank him for that. Nobody deserves to go through what I did. While yes, it was a toxic relationship, and I had a part in that, it does not excuse all the awful things he said and did to me. This is my truth, thank you for taking the time to read it.

#sorry if the formatting is all over the place

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