#even though i know the 'come home' scene hasn't happened yet so she doesn't die now

[whatimdoing-here]

VIGIL | 2.03

"I was hoping to catch you. I just wanted to say... I miss you. And, um, I'm sorry I was irritable before. I love you."

[catrasredemption-moved]

Taking Control Rewatch/Analysis

After a lot of discussion, I've decided it's time to rewatch Taking Control, because it really does highlight Adora's and Catra's separate issues with each other, and shows that Adora, frankly, has very shitty habits when it comes to dealing with Catra.

NOTE: I am not, at any point, saying that Adora is abusive. She's not, but her approach to Catra in this episode just sort of sucks for a good amount of time, and it's all a result of how they were raised.

Let's just jump right in - Catra is clearly traumatized. We come off the theme song right into her having a nightmare:

And not just any nightmare - she's dreaming about Prime, and everything that happened.

So... off to a good start for her.

And then Adora comes in, and god help her she just wants to do whatever she can for Catra, but at that moment, even Catra doesn't know what she needs, and she's spent years dealing with Adora's "we can fix it" savior complex, so of course she does the one thing she knows how to do - gets angry and lashes out.

(It's also really important to remember that Catra specifically told Adora not to go to Prime's ship. "Don't come here, no matter what." She was ready to die on that ship, ready to die for the only thing that still mattered to her - Adora.)

Then, just like Catra, Adora falls back on old, Horde-learned habits - she gets angry.

An Not at a great move considering everything Catra just went through, and blatantly ignoring Catra's admittedly ridiculous request to just be dropped off on some planet. ("I said I'm going to take you home and that's exactly what I'm going to do.") Is it something Adora should indulge? No, of course not. Is the correct response flipping the mattress and throwing Catra on the floor? No.

And then...

"Why are you acting like this? We saved your life!"

Catra told Adora not to come back. She sent Glimmer away specifically to keep Adora from going to Prime's ship. She had already accepted her fate and planned to die or spend the rest of her life as Prime's mini-me, and she was at peace with it. The implied "we saved you, you should be grateful", is very Shadow Weaver-esque, while also saying Catra should be grateful for something she did not want.

Again, is Catra being reasonable? Of course not. She should've known Adora would come back for her, whether it was to save her friend or to be a hero. So of course she gets mad and yells back because she never asked to be saved, or given another chance at a life she didn't want.

"I thought things could be different this time but clearly nothing has changed."

And Adora is very, very wrong. A lot has changed. Catra has changed. But Adora's way of arguing with her hasn't adapted to catch up with all that yet.

And the kitchen scene. Oh the kitchen scene.

"I thought we actually stood a chance at fixing things this time, but after everything we've been through, she's still a stubborn brat!"

Well, Adora... you haven't actually tried to fix anything. You went in, tried to force her to talk when she clearly didn't want to, then yelled at her and walked out. You want her to be grateful that you saved her even though she had absolutely zero desire to live, and you kind of threw her out of bed.

"We all risked our lives to save her, and she can't even say thank you?"

How long has it actually been since they got away from Prime? I can't imagine more than twelve hours, since Darla is still in pretty rough shape and Entrapta is running around like crazy to fix things. That's less than a day to recover from being chipped, dying, being brought back to life, and adjusting to now having to live a life you'd given up. Catra's still trying to catch up with everything, and Adora is already harping on her about changing and being grateful.

And again, let me be clear - I do not think Adora is abusive or malicious. Frustrated, yes, because Catra is being stubborn, but not for the reasons Adora thinks. She's used to Catra acting this way, but the feelings are coming from a completely different place, something Adora hasn't taken time yet to understand. She's not just being stubborn, she's scared.

We also get Glimmer being the voice of reason in this scene, and that's so important:

"This is Catra we're talking about. Did you think she was instantly going to become a totally different person?"

Two things to note here: Glimmer, by this point, has spent a lot of time with Catra. Catra, who kept coming back to her cell to taunt her, but also stayed when Glimmer asked. Catra, who laughed when they talked about Adora and told her about being cadets in the Horde. Catra who saved her life. Glimmer knows Catra hides behind a hard exterior, and from the way Adora's acting, she can probably guess that she sent Catra right back into that after some very painful vulnerability.

Second thing - Glimmer says different person. Not better, not good, different. Catra's already proven she can be good, and Glimmer knows that'll come out when Catra is ready. But Catra's processing method doesn't run on Adora's schedule.

"I thought she'd at least try."

Again, Adora, you haven't given her a chance. Old coping mechanisms just aren't going to work here, no matter how hard Adora tries.

She also just really unintentionally has the worst timing.

This is the second time she's walked in right on the heels of a flash, and it's obviously not her fault, she doesn't know. It just terrible, terrible timing.

And this is where we get into some really dicey territory.

Catra had complete control of her body just ripped away from her. She's been violated in one of the worst possible ways. She's had almost no time to recover mentally. And now here Adora is, with someone Catra does not want to see, ordering Catra around and making demands.

Again, Adora isn't wrong per se. The chip needs to go. But Catra is in full defense mode, and Adora isn't helping. She's making it worse. She literally backs Catra into a corner and yells at her. It's really not a good look.

She's scared. Scared of the situation, of the fact that she has to face Entrapta, of the idea of living a life she had no intention of continuing. And she's scared of Adora. Because Adora is still acting the way she would have before Horde Prime, but Catra's not the same person anymore, and Adora hasn't seen that yet. She doesn't see it until Catra finally takes the hardest step and reaches out to her.

"Stay."

And finally, finally Adora sees. She sees Catra being vulnerable, asking for her. She realizes that maybe she's been doing this wrong. Maybe her old approach isn't right. Maybe Catra doesn't need the old Adora and her way of dealing with things. She needs comfort. She needs to know she's not making a mistake by letting Adora see her weakness.

Catra, meanwhile, has at least started to come to terms with things. She has this life, even if she didn't want it, and she's so tired of self-sabotaging. And when faced with the possibility of never seeing Adora again... she realizes she doesn't want it. She doesn't want to be alone anymore.

And they proceed with this new, tentative, weird dynamic. Catra forces herself to face the flashes the chip's been causing and use them for something good, and Adora supports her through it instead of arguing. It's new, and it's strange, but it works.

Rounding out to the end of the episode, it's really significant that Adora goes to Bow and Entrapta after the fight rather than back to Catra. She's finally recognizing that she needs to give Catra space, and that if Catra wants her, she'll come to her. It's a gamble that pays off.

The Point:

There's a lot going around about how Catra is abusive and cruel to Adora, but not a lot about how it goes both ways. Adora is the hero, she's supposed to be perfect, but she's not, and we see that as early as the first episode when she all but blames Catra for the way Shadow Weaver treats her. ("You are kinda disrespectful.")

It's a terrible consequence of the way they were raised, and it's really showcased in Taking Control, where Adora immediately reverts back to old habits and ways of dealing with Catra that don't fit anymore. It's only when she learns how much things have changed - when she truly sees how vulnerable Catra is - that she tries to adjust her own behavior accordingly.

Catra, in much the same way, learns that she can't just slip back into her old skin - her old habits, her old way of acting. It's not who she is anymore. So she takes a chance. She lets herself be vulnerable. And Adora responds positively. It's a huge step for both of them, and a turning point in their relationship. Now they really do have a chance to fix things, because they're finally on the same page.

[stxleslyds]

MY TOUGHTS ON PART ONE OF RED HOOD BY CHIP ZDARSKY :)

Finally I have read part one of the Red Hood story in Batman: Urban Legends!

This story is very interesting, we start with the Red Hood looking for the people who are providing Gotham with a new drug. This drug “Cheerdrops” has been passed around for weeks at this point and it has had devastating results among it's users. If you know Jason you understand that drugs are a big issue for him and one that he treats very carefully and seriously. 

As he interrogates people he arrives to the building where one of the dealers of this drug is supposed to be, there he finds a horrific scene, a boy is desperately trying to wake up his mother who appears to have overdosed in her bed. Jason is quick to call an ambulance and get in contact with Oracle in order to find the boy's father who is (as he finds out later) the man that he was looking for. 

Jason sees this scene and can't help but compare it to the time he went through this situation with his mom all those years ago, so he takes the boy with him so he can take him to his father, who Jason is hoping is a good man that had to sell drugs in order to help his family.

That's basically the premise of this first part of the story but now i will write about my thoughts on the specifics of the story.

The story begins with Jason giving a speech about fear and how it's used, 

"Fear. Its a tool, it's his tool. I never really adopted it, maybe because he kept that fear all to himself." Then he continues with "Never had to rely on it, had to work harder to take out the bad guys, had to be...more direct." he finishes that thought with "Rubber Bullets. So that fear doesn't get turned around on me."

I for one really liked this Fear speech, it does really sum up what the Batman does, he relies on the Fear that he imposes on Gotham's criminals and such while Robin on the other hand was never meant to work with fear, which is true.

It did remind me of the speech that Alfred gave in issue #10 of Under the Red Hood about how Batman works with fear and Jason had some thoughts on it, here is some of it, 

"Master Jason had a condescending practice of referring to the costumed criminals elements as 'dress ups'. He also noted that such individuals did not fear the Batman the way street thugs and mafioso did. The 'dress ups' did not believe he was a monster." "...the boy did say something to me that chilled me to the bone...even then. 'They all know he won't kill them.'"

Anyway let's go back to the actual comic I am talking about...

Jason speaks from his position as Red Hood in current time and says that he uses rubber bullets in order to keep the Bat at bay, the fear that the Bat uses against other criminals cannot be used against him if he plays within the Bat's rules.

As he was doing that he was actually trying to get info about who is making the drug but all he was able to get was who was selling it to the person he was interrogating. This drug is dangerous and Jason has to work fast. 

Here is where we see the first flashback scene, we see Jason in the cave before he was able to go out as Robin and he is not to happy about it. The art is very beautiful but sadly in these panels i found my first problem with the context of Jason becoming Robin and how Zdarsky seems to set Jason's feelings on the first Robin.

It seems that Zdarsky is going for the “Jason believed Dick was the perfect Robin and no matter what he did he would never be as good as him” route, which fine ok, that's your right but, is it really necessary? I must admit i am a little tired of this particular thing because i adore the fact that when Dick and Jason first met they were fine with one another (even if a little wary at the very start). And the whole competitive and “i will never be as good as X person” is really tiring in the Robin/Batfamily fandom.

That problem is not as significant as the next one though.

Jason not thinking that Robin was “badass”. Well this is not only a bad take but it's completely OOC for Jason, no matter how you see it. From his first appearance as Robin to the flashbacks in Winick's UtRH and even through both of Lobdell's runs Jason has always loved the concept and the mantle of Robin as a child. 

Batman v1, #385.

So that whole take is wrong, i don't like it and also who on this or any universe would rather call themselves Batboy? Honestly i hope this is never brought up again or i will cry. ((((Also in this house Robin will always be the name that Mary gave Dick and then he used as his hero name so it hurts a lot more))))

Also at the end of this first flashback Jason discovers a room full of firearms and is obviously surprised because Batman hates those so he asks why he has them, B responds that he has to understand how they work for his detective work, but that's not all he says, he also says this “...Guns are a coward's weapon, and we will not be cowards.”

Alright Mr. Zdarsky i see the irony... i also see the Daredevil / Punisher thingie right there.

Anyway we are now back to the present where we see Batman seeing the effects of the drug in one of its victims, after saving that person he takes some samples of the drug. We also get to see two police officers with different views on the “masks”, that's a nice way to set the story after the Joker War and before the Magistrate. 

Back to Jason, he seems to be struggling, he can't find the people making/providing the drugs in Gotham and is also doubting his skills, he tells a man that if the information that he gave him is incorrect he “will find him” followed with another internal speech full of self doubt, “...sure thing Red Hood, right now you can't even find a street drug. Half of Gotham's teenagers could find it no problem. You never were the best detective.”

Alright, so Jason feels insecure about his skills now? First you have pre-Robin Jason not feeling like he could be able to keep up with the first Robin and now, Jason as a grown man has doubts about the skills that he has used for a long while now? I mean, press X for DOUBT because UtRH showed us how much of a badass and extremely skilled he is. This man planed everything in order to turn the Bat's world upside down (and this story has references to UtRH so it definitely happened) and now he feels like he is not that good? 

Shit. i know where this is going, first the insecurities that he has already worked out... I can see it coming, the next big thing will be Daddy issues. Wonderful i hate it and i hope i am wrong because those “issues” are more than resolved, i know that's the only trope DC throws at Jason but honestly how different will it be this time?

Fine, lets move on. Jason finds himself in one of the apartments and what he sees is horrifying. Lying on a bed there is a woman completely catatonic with a horrible smile on her face and right next to her a terrified little boy.

Here is the best take on Jason's character so far. 

Realizing that the child is scared of the situation and the masked man that just came into his home Jason takes off his mask and reassures the kid that he is there to help, it's quickly made obvious that the woman has overdosed on Cheerdrops, he makes sure to call an ambulance for her stating that she seems to be in a  drug-related coma.

Its important to note that Jason is doing this as he is having troubling thoughts about how much this scene reminds him of the time he was in this little boy's (Tyler) shoes. Its hard for him but he soon realizes that he needs to make sure Tyler is safe. 

He asks Tyler if he has another parent, he does and his name is Andy, after taking a look around the house Jason deduces that maybe the father is also taking drugs so if the police comes they will surely take Tyler and put him in the system, this idea is not one Jason is fond of so he calls Oracle, he asks if she can locate Tyler's dad's phone, when she asks about the kid Jason says that he will be the one keeping him safe.

Now we find ourselves back with Batman where he is investigating the components of Cheerdrops, he finds out that the drug is a modified version of Scarecrow's fear gas that gives the victim a sense of extreme happiness instead of fear.

Here we get confirmation of when in the timeline this story occurs, which is after the events of Infinite Frontier (where there was an attack on Arkham and many patients/prisoners were killed or escaped).

B suggests to Oracle that maybe Crane didn't die there and that he might be behind this drug, he will be on the job right away! To this Oracle is like well shit, so she tells B that Jason is also working this case...and here comes a funny yet confusing interaction. 

Barbara says “I know you two aren't exactly friends right now but...” before she finishes Batman interrupts her by saying “He is a killer Barbara. I will do this alone.”

OH BOY is this interaction confusing! First of all may i point out how different this conversation is from the one in Three Jokers where the roles were basically reversed??? Please tell me that i am not the only one who finds that funny! Anyway that story doesn't matter here, but Red Hood Outlaw from Rebirth does, right?

Here is the thing, the last person that Jason “killed” in rebirth was Penguin and he actually didn't do it, he had him trapped in a panic room in his own Casino. Batman already beat the living shit out of Jason in RHatO #25 for it...and some time has passed, B surely found out that Jason didn't kill Penguin by now, i mean isn't he like the best detective to ever detective in the history of the universe??

Not only that but Jason has been using rubber bullets for a while and even at the start he mentions that, he basically implies that he is playing by the Bat's rules to keep him off his back. Maybe B hasn't let go of the duffel bag full of heads or any of the shitty people Jason killed during UtRH??? If B still holds that against Jason then why would he try to make Jason part of his Bat clan at the beginning of RHatO Rebirth? 

Maybe he still thinks that Jason killed the penguin...but even then isn't B working with Harley and Ghost-Maker? You know, people who have killed? Why is Jason different? Did Jason kill someone recently that we don't know about? Jason only kills a very distinct set of people (that are very not nice) so i guess i don't see the logic...

Anyway second flashback, and this time we have a look at what was going on in the Batcave with B and Alfred during the events of UtRH! Nothing that wasn't explored in UtRH is said here but we do see Alfred explicitly telling Bruce how much they failed Jason. There is a heavy insinuation that the fact that Batman keeps sending the Joker to Arkham only for him to escape and kill more people actually makes B responsible for those deaths and i love that. Thank you. 

Back to Jason and Tyler we get to see some very adorable scenes between the two. Jason gives the lower half of his mask to Tyler to protect his identity like a superhero and we have a really sweet moment in which Tyler chooses the Blue Hood as his name because he likes the colour blue (same Tyler).

After he leaves Tyler in a place where he will be safe he goes to the building where Andy should be and let me tell you the more Jason sees the less hopeful he becomes about Andy being just one of the people selling the drug... He does some shooting and incapacitating and then follows the man that is trying to escape and here is when shit hits the fan. 

Andy is a disgusting human being. He hates Tyler's mother and doesn't care that she might be dead and the piece of shit hates his son so much that he gave a barely 10 year old drugs. 

Yeah. BANG BANG BANG MOTHERFUKER. 

If you think that this leads to Jason being a little more like his UtRH self, you know the guy that said that people who gave drugs to kids will get killed without a thought...yeah that's not happening, here comes the guilt!

I get it he just killed a man, but, did you read what that man said?

Anyway that's how the first part of this story ends. 

The story is good. it has things that don't make much sense but i think it's because Zdarsky is a Batman fan and not a Red Hood fan in the sense that he doesnt know much about Jason's character and that this is his first ever DC work.

I cant wait to see where this story goes, while i hope “unresolved daddy issues” doesn't become a theme yet again in a Red Hood story i believe it's where we are headed. I will keep on reading because i am invested in Jason and Tyler's relationship and what is going to happen now that Jason killed Andy.

Let me know what you thought about the issue and my post if you want! Bye!

[hellchilde]

The Thing With Feathers

wow it feels like ten million years since i posted a real fic

Chapters: 1/1

Fandom: 陈情令 | The Untamed (TV)

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Relationships: Sòng Lán | Sòng Zǐchēn/Xiǎo Xīngchén, Song Lan | Song Zichen & Xiao Xingchen, Xiao Xingchen & Xue Yang | Xue Chengmei

Characters: Xiao Xingchen, Song Lan | Song Zichen, Xue Yang | Xue Chengmei, Wen Qing

Additional Tags: Disabled Character, Blindness, Blind Xiǎo Xīngchén, Lack of Communication, Established Relationship, brief scene with blood, Recreational Drug Use, (but it's just weed), Alcohol, Anal Sex, Anal Fingering, Cock Warming, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Reincarnation Vibes

Words: 8970

Summary: Sometimes, all you need to throw your life into sharp focus it to stumble over a dying criminal in the street and let it consume your life.

Or: Xiao Xingchen finds Xue Yang injured alongside the road and the rhythm of the carefully constructed life he has with Song Lan no longer seems entirely stable.

It happens when he's walking home from class.

This time, the reason for Xiao Xingchen's loss of vision is not so noble or meaningful. Sometimes things happen for a reason, but sometimes things just happen and it's shit luck and you have to make due with the cards you're dealt. Sometimes you're too young when your vision deteriorates to nothing, but at least that means you don't have to see their pitying looks in the encroaching darkness. But sometimes, there is a good man who is there for you and can help you pick up the pieces when your life changes too quickly for you to deal with. That is a spot of good luck, because this man is someone you love and could picture a life with, even if it's not the life your parents had intended, or the life you set out to start back when the possibilities were endless. This time, Xiao Xingchen learns the lines of Song Lan's face with his fingertips before his sight is completely gone, and lets him reshape their lives to accommodate this unforeseen obstacle to what could have been a story of happily ever after.

With a white cane in hand and a determined set to his face, Xiao Xingchen walks the increasingly familiar path between home, subway, school, subway, home. Never did he plan on learning a new language in his late twenties, but that language is braille, and he refuses to be totally helpless in a world designed against him. Audiobooks help, but he can't listen to them while he walks, has to stay vigilant with his remaining senses or let himself be pummeled by people who won't see him. Shame the onus has to be on him. So it might be dark, but maybe it's not, when he trips over something and sprawls inelegantly, embarrassingly to the ground. His cheeks and ears are burning, he dropped his cane but finds it quickly. Stupid, stupid, he should have felt it.

He reaches back to feel what he tripped over, and feels fabric, flesh. He gropes his way up, increasingly concerned when the person doesn't move or make a sound, and he smells blood. Then finally he feels the blood, sticky and warm but cooling, and is worried he is feeling a corpse until he feels the chest rise and fall and hears the wheeze of breath. He snatches his hands away, worried, and scrambles for the phone in his pocket. It has a voice-to-text option, and that makes up for the lack of buttons. He's never had to dial 9-1-1, and he thinks his voice on the line to the operator is nervous and panicked. He can't even tell her for certain which street he's on, except that it's five blocks from the campus where he had class.

That must be enough. The EMT's arrive and take stock of the situation, and they reassure him, and when he asks them if he can ride in the ambulance, they agree without too much argument. The ride to the hospital is horrible, though, because he has no idea where he's going or how far away and every turn makes him motion sick. He still doesn't consider leaving behind the man he found. The emergency room is chaotic, but one of the EMT's spares the time to lead him out to the waiting room, and someone eventually gets him some water.

“He's in surgery, and then they'll be admitting him for observation,” one of the staff says to him. He's already given his report to the police, explained his innocent side. He's not a suspect for what appears to be a violent crime, but they took his contact information. Otherwise, Xiao Xingchen doesn't know much. “You don't know him, so … you can go home if you want. I'm sure he would appreciate the kindness of a stranger.”

“Were you able to find an emergency contact?” he asks. So far, he has been the only visitor present.

“No,” the staff says. “Don't worry, the police are looking into it.”

“I would prefer to stay with him,” Xiao Xingchen says, because he does always try to be noble, even without a sword in his hands.

The staff member, maybe a nurse or a receptionist but probably not a doctor, reaches out to touch his hands where they're clasped protectively around his cane. He makes a face because he wouldn't have accepted the touch if asked permission, but at least it's kind. “You're a good man,” the staff member says. “We'll help you to the waiting room near where he'll be resting.”

At some point, someone gives him a sandwich wrapped in plastic and a cup of coffee. The sandwich is ham and soggy, but he eats a little of it, and the coffee tastes old and watery. At some point, Xiao Xingchen sleeps in his chair. At some point, someone informs him that the man made it through surgery and is sleeping. At some point, Xiao Xingchen awakens to the feeling of his phone buzzing in his pocket.

“You didn't come home,” Song Lan's voice says, strained. “I was worried.”

“I'll be home soon,” Xiao Xingchen replies. “I have to make sure he made it through. I'm the one who found him, it's my responsibility.” He doesn't like the hospital, which is cold and antiseptic, and his chair isn't comfortable. He's still going to stay. He has to, even if he has to rely on the kindness of strangers to find the bathroom.

Song Lan sighs, too familiar with this side of him. “Call me to come pick you up,” he says quietly. “The hospital isn't far.”

Xiao Xingchen says goodbye and hangs up and only resents a little that the offer makes him feel helpless. He rubs at his eyes, which feel gritty and sore, and locates the remains of his soggy sandwich to at least get something in his stomach. He listens to the sounds of the hospital around him, beeping machines and ringing phones and quiet voices and people rushing by in non-skid shoes. He seems to be politely ignored, or perhaps forgotten, but he doesn't know how long it's supposed to take until he learns what happened.

At some point, another member of staff approaches him and sits beside him, clearing her throat softly. “I have some news, Mr. Xiao,” she says, accented Mandarin. He tries not to be insulted that they think his English isn't good. “The police have found out the identity of the man you found. Apparently … he's wanted for murder, and some other crimes. He works for some very bad men.”

Xiao Xingchen frowns, the information hard to take in. A criminal? He saved a criminal?

“You did a good thing,” she continues. “They'll bring him in to face justice. They wanted me to thank you.”

He manages to nod, trying not to reveal how shaken he is by the news. Why should it bother him so much? He doesn't know this man and has no connection to him other than finding him mostly dead on his walk to the subway. And yet he still feels betrayed. He did something good, he saved a man, and he turns out to be a criminal. It doesn't feel fair, but so little in his life feels fair.

His intentions have been to stay until the man wakes up and introduce himself, get to know him, but he no longer wants that. Instead he digs out his phone as soon as the nurse leaves and dials Song Lan's number to request a ride and pulls himself to his feet, legs feeling stiff from a long night spent in an uncomfortable chair. He still has that feeling that he should at least peek in on the man that he saved, but then, what's the use in that when he hasn't peeked at anything since his vision gave up on him?

It doesn't take very much help from others to make it down to the front of the building and out the doors – the elevator had braille, and the flow of traffic was relatively logical. He takes a breath of fresh air and stands by the curb to wait for Song Lan, his cane clasped in his hands. He hasn't bothered to ask the time, but by the temperature outside and the birds and the angle of the sun he can feel on his skin, he guesses it's midmorning. He's been out all night. No wonder Song Lan was worried.

He hears the car, and the door opens, and there's Song Lan's voice instructing him to get in. He reaches out to feel the edge of the car door and then climbs inside, settling gratefully into the familiar passenger seat to let Song Lan pull away from the hospital.

“Did he wake up?” Song Lan asks after a few moments of silence.

“I don't know,” Xiao Xingchen replies, collapsing his cane back down to make more room in the footwell for his legs. “They told me they found out who he was. A criminal wanted for murder, with mob connections. I didn't want to stay after that. I'm sure they'll arrest him.” He's still not sure how he feels about that. Bad, bad, like there's rocks in his stomach.

Song Lan thinks about that, his driving much smoother than that of the ambulance, mindful of not taking the turns too quickly. “Well, it's a good thing he's off the streets,” he says at last. “And good that you didn't let him die. It's best that he faces the consequences of what he's done.”

Xiao Xingchen nods and chews on his bottom lip, turning towards the window to feel the sun on his face. He's tired, more tired than before, and he thinks he'll sleep all day even if it'll totally throw off his sleep schedule. He feels depressed, for no reason he can put a finger on. How had he been the one to stumble on that man?

He takes Song Lan's help here and there to get inside, finding it reassuring to always reach out and find him there, and then they are safely behind a door and he finds the bed and collapses into it. When he wakes up again, Song Lan is stretched out beside him, breathing deep and even in sleep. Xiao Xingchen sighs, rolls over, and scoots unobtrusively out of bed to find the cigarettes he has hidden in a corner of the closet in case of emergency. He secludes himself on the fire escape to smoke in peace and rub his temple while he attempts to figure out what he's feeling.

He hasn't figured it out by the time he's finished one cigarette, and he has just enough self control to cut himself off after one, then retreats back inside to at least pretend to do some work.

~

The next time Xiao Xingchen hears about Xue Yang (which is the name of the man he saved, that murderer and mobster and … rapist, for all he knew) he is on the news. He emerges from their bedroom one morning in search of the coffee pot and some breakfast, and Song Lan actually has the TV on, a rare occurrence this early in the morning.

“... released from City Hospital this morning, in custody of the police,” the reporter says. “Xue Yang has known connections with alleged crime lord Wen Ruohan, and charges against him include murder, arson, assault, armed robbery, and fraud. Yang will be facing these charges in a court of law, following investigation into the listed charges, and is currently being kept in custody at an undisclosed location. Yang was found two weeks ago by a civilian on the street following a vicious stabbing, supposedly an attempt on his life carried out by a rival gang. The investigation into Yang's attack is still ongoing with no suspects.”

Xiao Xingchen feels his face fold into a frown, and he steps forward until he finds Song Lan, letting him press a bowl into his hands and starting to eat without really tasting.

“I guess he can walk now,” Song Lan comments with a dry voice.

“What does he look like?” It doesn't matter. Xiao Xingchen still wants to know, to satisfy some perverse curiosity about that evil man he happened to save from bleeding out on the street.

“Like a punk,” Song Lan says. “Like a smug little punk. Like he's going to get away with all of it.” He sets his bowl down and leans in to kiss Xingchen's cheek, running his hand over the other as if he can smooth out the frustration there. “Don't listen to too much of this. I'll be back tonight.” And then he leaves, the sound of his footsteps circling the kitchen island, pausing to pick up his coat and bag, pausing to slip on his shoes, and then the sound of the front door.

Xiao Xingchen takes a few more bites of the food – it's oatmeal, and it's alright, but it's not the way he would have prepared it – and the news is still on in the background, now on to some other story that he cares less about. He puts the bowl down and goes for coffee next, still half the pot left and soy creamer set out nearby. Thoughtful. Song Lan takes care of him.

He doesn't follow the direction. He gets his tablet and sets it up to search for this Wen Ruohan guy. He doesn't keep enough track of the news to have any idea about organized crime, but once his tablet understands what he's asking of it, it pulls up some articles. The text reader's voice renders the shocking events dry and bland, but at least it's something. It makes it sound like Wen Ruohan has fingers in pretty much every bit of crime in the city, maybe further out too. Not surprising that a criminal like Xue Yang would take up with him, do some of his dirty work. The top of the pack never lets that kind of thing touch him. That's why they can't make anything stick when it comes to bringing charges against him. The movies get that much right.

His next search is for Xue Yang himself. Most of what pulls up is the recent stuff about him being in the hospital, the stabbing, the murder charge they want him for this time. Few of the articles he finds come with image descriptions, so if there are pictures, he doesn't know what they are. He can access the public parts of Xue Yang's criminal record. People keep getting his name wrong, calling him “Mr. Yang.” He listens to the text reader list the dates and bare-bones facts of the previous charges. Some of them he had been arrested for, served time. Others seemed to disappear too quickly.

When Song Lan comes home, he is still on the couch, bent over his tablet, hair uncombed and falling over his shoulders and still wearing the loungewear he had put on that morning, which doesn't really count as clothes. He startles when he suddenly feels a hand on his shoulder, too wrapped up in what he had been listening to and thinking about to pay attention to the sound of the door opening or Song Lan saying his name.

“What are you … oh,” Song Lan says, and Xiao Xingchen feels the presence of him reading over his shoulder. “I see you didn't follow my advice.”

“I wanted to know more,” Xiao Xingchen says, feeling oddly defensive. He switches the tablet dark so Song Lan can't read over his shoulder. “Maybe he's a smug punk, but I saved him. I want to know what kind of man I saved.” Why he's weirdly obsessive about this, he still doesn't understand. Why he wants to know more of these dark details. It isn't like it gives him a thrill – well, not a good thrill, that would be kind of sick. It isn't like he's ever even interacted with Xue Yang. Except that he spent a good portion of one day covered in his blood and waiting for him to wake up at the hospital, and for some reason that made it feel like Xue Yang owed him something.

Song Lan sighs so it stirs the hairs on the top of his head, then pets them down again. Not the first time Xiao Xingchen has forgotten to comb his hair, especially on days he stays in. It's a worried kind of touch. “Will you please turn it off for a little while for dinner?”

Xiao Xingchen considers being contrary and refusing, but his stomach rumbles as a reminder that he only broke away long enough to eat some pickles and crackers in a lunch that required minimal effort but could hardly be counted as real food. He submits, then, pulling Song Lan's hand down from his head to kiss his inner wrist. He rises to his feet to follow Song Lan to the table, sits beside him and takes the prepared plate. Song Lan must have guessed some of his mood that morning, because a couple of the dishes are among his favorites from this particular restaurant.

That softens him, and he feels a little bad for considering being contrary or brushing off Song Lan's worry as being patronizing. Guilty, even. Doesn't Song Lan have enough to deal with without his boyfriend being bratty? It's the unfortunate truth of their circumstances that Song Lan shoulders more of the financial responsibilities, more of the housekeeping, more of the cooking. Xiao Xingchen does what he can, and he's gotten to be a pretty fair hand at cooking even without being able to read labels. It's still more for Song Lan.

Xiao Xingchen finishes up his pad see ew, wipes his mouth clean, and gets up to drape himself over Song Lan's lap. His chopsticks clatter lightly on the edge of the plate, and then his hands settle on Xiao Xingchen's waist. Xingchen feels a smile spread over his face, and his hands slide into Song Lan's hair, and he leans in for a kiss.

Being intimate like this has changed. As his sight faded, his other senses sharpened. In some ways it's useful, like being able to so distinctly smell the differences between spices, but his skin is now also more sensitive. Every touch, every brush of lips or teeth, has the potential to be overwhelming. It had caught him off-guard at first, the sheer electricity of it lighting him up more vividly than any lit room. It had been intense enough to scare him, and hence to scare Song Lan, and since then his touches had grown increasingly light and gentle, wary of startling him again. Or perhaps it is that Song Lan is no longer so certain of sharing himself with someone who can no longer see him. He has never been the most touchy-feely person, and Xiao Xingchen wouldn't blame him if the shine of their relationship had faded by now. Occupying that strange liminal space where he was part caretaker, part boyfriend – that can't be easy.

So how can Xiao Xingchen ask for that firmer touch, the way they could get so carried away with each other the way they used to when they were younger and more carefree? What right does he have to demand even more?

He still kisses Song Lan wild and reckless, soft lips and sharp teeth catching at Song Lan's mouth, kissing the flavor of Thai food off his lips. Song Lan sighs against him, hands slipping up under Xiao Xingchen's oversized cardigan and the t-shirt underneath, circling against his waist. There are calluses on his fingers, just rough enough to feel, and at least while they're kissing Song Lan isn't protesting. Xingchen squirms slightly, trying to get his hands to slide down, as if he could wiggle them down. They stay where they are, though Song Lan's grip tightens, starting to dig into his skin.

Xiao Xingchen breaks the kiss to pant softly against Song Lan's lips, only now realizing that he has one hand tangled up in his hair, the other pressed flat against his chest, feeling the steady thud of Song Lan's heart beneath his skin. His own heartbeat feels like it's echoing that beat, knocking up hopefully against his ribs. Maybe this time … maybe this time it would work out. Maybe this time he could somehow convey the kind of attention he was craving, and maybe Song Lan would be amenable to fucking his brains out.

Sure enough, Song Lan shifts his grip, finally down even if it is over his yoga pants, cups his ass and stands up with him clinging koala-style. Xiao Xingchen has no intention of letting go, pressing kisses into Song Lan's jaw, his throat, over his lips, wherever he can reach, his arms settling around Song Lan's strong shoulders and his back arching to press closer against him. This is better, this is closer to what he wants.

Song Lan deposits him on the bed, doesn't drop him, just setting him carefully on the mattress like fine china. But still he crawls over him, whispers kisses into his skin, teeth scraping lightly down his throat. The light touches make Xiao Xingchen gasp and writhe, his skin feeling so oversensitive that he can't even stand still wearing his clothes. Song Lan hovers over him, on his hands and knees, still barely touching him except for the brush of his lips.

“Zichen,” he breathes, needy, eager.

Song Lan pulls back, and Xingchen can just weather the feeling of being watched, breathing and trying not to feel self-conscious beneath the weight of Song Lan's gaze. His fingers are still in Song Lan's hair, twisting and trying to pull him back down. He bears it for a few moments, then stretches up to try and find his lips.

But before he can make it, Song Lan's hand takes his own, unpeeling his fingers from his hair and kissing his palm before pressing his hand to Xingchen's chest and sitting up. The gesture has an air of finality to it, and Xiao Xingchen can't help it, he covers his face with his hands. It's like being blind has erased any ability he had to control his expression, and he can only imagine what his face is doing right now, because it certainly feels all twisted up and hurt and mad and frustrated.

“I'm sorry,” Song Lan says, because he isn't good at reading people but he isn't blind, and he sounds regretful. “I'm sorry, it just wasn't...”

Xiao Xingchen rolls away, taking a moment, then sits up, his back facing Song Lan. “It's fine,” he says, as though merely saying the words will make it so, and he knows his voice sounds too tight. “It's fine,” he repeats. He wishes there was a switch in his body that he could just turn off, rather than having to sit with the coiling warmth still lingering in his stomach, refusing to dissipate just because Song Lan is no longer touching him.

He feels Song Lan touch his hair lightly, then the shift of the mattress as he stands up. The ensuite shower turns on shortly after, and entertains the vindictive thought of forcing his way in and pushing Song Lan up on the shower wall and just...

He doesn't know what. Song Lan had already made his “no” very clear, and Xiao Xingchen has no intention of crossing that particular boundary. He knows there wouldn't be any coming back from that. Taking care of himself feels equally out of the question. It's not what he craves, and doing it alone feels empty.

He goes to clean up after their dinner, finding some comfort in scrubbing off the plates and plunging his hands in the soapy water. It doesn't perfectly redirect his energy, but it takes the edge off. Then he steps out to the fire escape again, retreats, cowardice. The cold, damp wind slaps him in the face, and he takes a lungful of the foggy air, pressing his back into the wrought iron to feel it dig in.

He should tell Song Lan. There are things he should say, explanations, verbalizing his desire and upset and love and frustration. How it feels to be treated as an invalid, even when Song Lan does it so soft and gentle. Song Lan will tell his part too, the part where his desire can't always keep up with Xingchen's and that particular quirk where touching makes his skin crawl, where he treasures Xingchen and wants to protect him by wrapping him up tight in bubble wrap, kept and sweet and placed high on a shelf never to be touched.

He kicks the fire escape, just to make himself feel a little better, and wedges himself in. He should have brought his tablet. He could have done more research. Without it, he just listens to the sounds of the city at night, traffic and ambulances, someone singing, a baby crying in the distance. He lets it all flow and melt around him, lets his body relax into becoming the ambient temperature of the fog, cold and misty and amorphous.

By the time Xiao Xingchen retreats back inside, his thoughts are as cool and calm as the air outside. He slips into bed, fitting into the space behind Song Lan, slotting in, his knees in the crook behind Song Lan's knees, his cold nose tucked against the back of his neck. Song Lan smells clean, and Xingchen feels sorry for earlier, silly for letting himself get carried away. He's happy here. He is happy.

That thought circles his brain as he drifts off to sleep.

~

Time passes. Xiao Xingchen dials back his research to what he thinks is a normal amount of interest. There is always news to follow – Xue Yang seems to be at the same time the media's darling and their favorite villain. The tabloids keep commenting on how he looks, calling him angelic and sweet-faced while at the same time condemning him for what seemed like an ever-increasing number of crimes. Song Lan quickly learns to simply leave him to it, and in return Xingchen can moderate himself so he doesn't lose entire days to sitting on the couch and burying himself in news and police reports.

Life is pretty much normal. There's a routine, a rhythm, comfortable and familiar. Xiao Xingchen further adjusts to life in a world that isn't built to accommodate him, his steps ever more certain on his path. He can visualize his future stretching before him, and none of it looks bad. No surprises, no tragedy. He figures losing his sight is bad enough to fulfill the quota for drama for this lifetime.

Xiao Xingchen listens to the trial when it starts. From what he can tell, this is apparently very fast, but he doesn't know enough about the American justice system to confirm that. There's plenty of media coverage on it, but despite their efforts to highlight the most exciting parts, the trial itself seems to be fairly dull, nothing like the TV shows. That doesn't decrease Xiao Xingchen's interest, but it does help to prevent him from focusing too much on it.

Song Lan has a launch party for work. Xiao Xingchen doesn't know enough about computers to know what it's really for, some piece of software or another, something Song Lan has been working on for months. It's a cause for celebration, and while Xingchen doesn't relish the need to dress up, he lets Song Lan help him with it. Most of his wardrobe is in interchangeable shades of neutral, white and black and gray – he made sure of that before his sight was gone. But it's better to be safe than sorry and accidentally choose something inappropriate or clashing. Anyway, he knows Song Lan quietly enjoys dressing him, making sure he looks nice. It suits the same part of his personality that's so good at the nitty-gritty details of code, a fierce, strict streak of perfectionism.

Xiao Xingchen has no doubt that they make a sharp picture when they arrive. He left his cane at home, since it would be too cumbersome in a party setting, and thus holds Song Lan's arm to navigate their way inside. It's a club, it smells like a club, alcohol and bodies and several layers of perfume and cologne, and there's music playing with a low bassline that reverberates in his ribcage. It's probably dark, which means that people will be asking all night long why he's wearing his dark tinted glasses. Hopefully sticking close against Song Lan's side will decrease the need to explain.

Parties like this are always a little awkward. Xingchen is friendly and willing, but he doesn't speak the same language as these technology prodigies. Maybe he could have wandered and found other partners of Song Lan's coworkers, but he was always wary of losing track of Song Lan in an unfamiliar place. And Song Lan is good, he's considerate, but sometimes he gets so wrapped up in whatever conversation he gets involved in that Xingchen falls by the wayside despite being attached to his arm.

It's still fun and interesting to be out of the apartment, chatting with people, picking canapes off the trays, accepting the drink that Song Lan passes to him. It's one of the fruity ones that he likes, but strong enough that he can taste the alcohol under the juice. He's playing the role of arm candy tonight, but he lets it be fun, lets himself be the sweet and sparkly juxtaposition to Song Lan's dry, serious demeanor. Song Lan's coworkers forgive him easily when he doesn't know the more technical details and humor him by talking about other, more accessible topics.

Inevitably, though, they turn back to talking shop, and Xingchen tries to follow but it all starts to sound like gibberish. He sighs and ceases to pay much attention to the conversation since they're not really paying attention to him, and he sips his drink, wishing the music were better. Though, of course, the inevitable result of sipping a drink all evening is that he has to use the bathroom. Xingchen realizes it with some dismay. There's no good way to bring it up without sounding like a complaining toddler, but he doesn't even know which way to point himself to find it if he were to just wander off. So he just … waits. Song Lan will have to go eventually as well.

Except the situation is steadily growing towards urgent, and Song Lan shows no indication of breaking away from his conversation, focused the way he can get sometime. Xiao Xingchen starts to fidget anxiously, hoping to somehow telepathically convey what he needs. Unfortunately, he doesn't magically develop psychic powers. He's inches from giving in to the embarrassment of asking to be escorted to the bathroom when he feels another hand on his free arm.

“Hi,” a female voice says, one that he doesn't recognize. “Song Lan, do you mind if I borrow him for a minute?”

Xiao Xingchen could curse, and desperately hopes that Song Lan makes up an excuse to keep him from being pulled to another conversation with strangers. He can't focus on being friendly when his body is screaming at him. He feels Song Lan look up in surprise, finally breaking from his own conversation.

“Oh, right, of course,” he says, gently taking Xingchen's hand from his arm to pass him over to the woman. “Xingchen, this is Wen Qing. She's a doctor and a friend.”

“Alright,” Xingchen says, voice cracking, shooting Song Lan what he hopes is a desperate look before Wen Qing tugs him away. He's panicking, he thinks he might die, he wants the earth to swallow him up. He clears his throat and touches Wen Qing's hand, her pace never slowing. “I'm sorry, I'm terribly sorry, but...”

Before he can finish, she pulls him through a doorway. Their footsteps turn echo-y, and he feels a glimmer of hope. She continues pulling, then places his hand on what feels like the handle of a urinal. He makes a sound, desperate still, and feels for the edges of the porcelain before letting go of her entirely so he can relieve himself.

“You looked like you were suffering over there,” she says, only far enough away to give him the space he needs to get the job done. “I know how Song Lan can get too intense in his conversations and forget the world around him.”

“Thank you,” he breathes, shooting a small smile in the direction of her voice. “Unfamiliar places are always a little difficult, especially without my cane. I hope it wasn't too obvious.”

“Not to the tech nerds,” she says, putting her hand on his shoulder to help lead him over to the sinks after he gets his slacks fastened up. “They might be geniuses, but they're oblivious to any kind of subtlety. Feeling better?”

“Yes, thank you,” Xiao Xingchen says again, washing his hands and then relaxing a hip against the sink. He isn't in a rush to go back out to the music he doesn't like. “So you're a doctor?”

“Cardiac surgeon,” Wen Qing clarifies. “I normally don't get to see below the belt. But don't worry, I'll remain professional.” It sounds like she's smiling too. Xingchen isn't surprised to find that she's friends with Song Lan, with that dry kind of humor.

“I wasn't too worried about it,” Xingchen says. “Do you come to a lot of these things?”

“A few. I was dating one of them for a while, made some friends. They keep inviting me, and the appetizers are good, and every once in a while I get to help somebody's poor boyfriend find the bathroom.” He feels her pull his jacket straight, adjusting his collar slightly. “So. Been together long?”

“Since college,” Xingchen tells her. Maybe she isn't very close with Song Lan, to have not heard the story before. “Actually, we met in the airport when I arrived in America. I was so lost and overwhelmed, and he stepped in to help me find my way in a new country and a big city. It was just a happy coincidence that we ended up going to the same school while he was getting his graduate degree. And then from there, it's basically just history.”

Wen Qing laughs and touches his shoulder again. “Somehow, I doubt it's 'just history,' but we can leave it at that, if you want,” she says. “That's very sweet. I'm just glad you look as lost by all their talk as I am. Do you smoke?”

“Ah...” He doesn't want to lie, but also isn't sure about how likely it is his answer would get back around to Song Lan.

“Doesn't matter,” she says quickly, taking his arm again to lead him out. “Come hang out with the wives. We're all the wives, regardless of gender.”

Together, they wind through the party, past snippets of conversation and a speaker rolling out bassline in waves. Wen Qing pulls him out of a door, and the sound of music is dampened. A comforting cloud of cigarette smoke wafts around them, and there's a soft hum of conversation.

“Hey, wives,” Wen Qing crows. “I bring fresh blood.”

“One of us,” someone chants, and Xiao Xingchen grins and gives an irreverent salute.

The wives are apparently the company he was craving. He no longer has to pretend to understand or be interested in the technobabble, and instead he can pluck crackers smothered in cream cheese and prosciutto off of the platter that they stole from the catering staff and sip from the bottle of wine that they had also stolen. He can listen to one of them chatter about a thesis project on Emily Dickinson and steal drags from cigarettes and blunts passed to him. It's closer to the way he and Song Lan operated in college, parting for their own friend groups before drifting back together, and the wives are closer to the kind of people he would choose for friends, free to be bohemian while their significant others take advantage of the tech boom and bring home the bacon.

Xiao Xingchen hasn't bothered to check the time on his phone, but it feels late by the quality of the air and the conversation. They've stopped talking about anything of substance, and he's leaning on Wen Qing's shoulder. He's a little drunk and a little high and feeling soft and easy. Song Lan's touch doesn't even startle him when it comes to rest on his shoulder.

“Let's go home,” he suggests in a low murmur, and Xingchen peels himself up. The wives moan and complain, and someone reaches for him, fingers catching on the edge of his jacket with a soft cry of, “Chen-chen, don't leave us!”

Xiao Xingchen gives his goodbyes and makes his promises to stay in touch – his phone is full of their phone numbers. He leans on Song Lan to make their way out and down to meet their car. They slide into the back seat, and their hands find each other on the seat, fingers folding together in the most intimate touch Song Lan would allow in public.

“Time's it?” Xiao Xingchen asks, sleepy and smiley and soft.

“Close to one,” Song Lan replies. He sounds a little drunk too, and his thumb runs over the space between Xingchen's thumb and index finger, fitting into the hollow. “Did you have fun?”

“Mmm,” he hums and smiles more. “They were nice. Wen Qing was helpful, and you know how useless I am when you talk shop.”

“I should have known you'd get along with them. I should have introduced you earlier. I'm sorry you were bored with me.” He snorts softly. “Chen-chen.”

Xiao Xingchen's giggle is significantly less dignified, but at least it's not too loud out of consideration for their poor driver. “You know I can't help if they think I'm cute!”

Song Lan doesn't protest, but he doesn't have to. They're back home, and he thanks the driver, and comes around to help Xingchen out of the car and back into their building. They're quiet due to the late hour, so the sound of the keys feels like it echoes in the still night air. Xiao Xingchen lets himself inside with a sigh of relief and kicks his shoes off, and opens his mouth to suggest they go to bed only to have Song Lan's lips and teeth and tongue providing an effective gag.

Song Lan backs him against the wall in the entryway, and his hands span Xingchen's waist, broad and solid. Xingchen can taste the alcohol in his breath, but he probably tastes the same. His head spins, his stomach flips, feeling simultaneously over- and under-fed on those canapes, but thrilled with possibility. The kiss is rough, with teeth, not like delicate good morning kisses or gentle good night ones that he's gotten used to. This kiss demands, and expects him to answer – and so he does.

Xiao Xingchen moans into it and grips back at Song Lan's shirt, returning the kiss with equal fervor. Sleep is no longer on his mind. Instead, he has to get his hands on Song Lan's skin or he might just evaporate. He tugs until he can get Song Lan's shirt out of his slacks and he can slide his hands underneath, flat against the skin of his stomach. His skin is warm, solid, and he can feel the frantic rate of his breathing beneath his touch. It feels like a dream, like it's so much that it can't be real, and at the same time it's so real, so perfect, everything he wants.

It feels like Song Lan needs this as badly as he does. With hands tight around Xingchen's arms he pulls him away from the wall, further into the apartment. Xiao Xingchen assumes they'll go to the bedroom, to the bed as usual, but he finds himself bent forward over the couch instead, the familiar fabric under his fingers and the back digging into his stomach. Song Lan presses against him, rubs against his ass, pushes his shirt up and runs his hands over his back. Xiao Xingchen lets out a shaky breath and pushes back against him, just as demanding and desperate.

Finally, finally Song Lan reaches around to get his slacks unfastened, pushes at them impatiently, and locates the zipper to shove it down. Xiao Xingchen squirms to help get them down his legs and winds up with them stuck around his knees, but at least it's some relief. Song Lan seems to think that's enough; his fingers grip into the flesh of Xingchen's ass, squeezing and massaging and spreading. He pants into the couch cushions, his breath coming back hot and wet against his cheeks and the sensitive tip of his cock bumping up against the back of the couch in a way that isn't altogether pleasant but at least it is some sensation. He's hard, he needs it, his skin feels like it's sparking with heat at every brush of Song Lan's fingers.

He remembers with some despair that they don't have any lube in the living room and is just about ready to straighten up, drag Song Lan back to the bedroom so they can do it properly. Then he hears something tear and feels slick fingers slide against his ass. Song Lan came prepared. Such a good, thoughtful boyfriend, even if it is frankly out of character for him to anticipate sex like this. When it happens, if it happens, there's so much delicate kissing and foreplay and it's consistently in the bed or the shower where they're prepared. But he can't even speculate on it, Song Lan's fingers feel too good, pushing the lube inside him fast, impatient. He wants to spread his legs but he's trapped by his slacks and can only pant helplessly against the couch cushions.

Thoughtfully, Song Lan's clean hand reaches down to brush his hair out of his face, tracing the line of his jaw. The fingers inside him spread once more, then slide out, and that's all the warning he really gets before he feels Song Lan's cock press steady and inexorable inside him.

The sound he lets out would be embarrassing under any other circumstance, low and broken and wet. It's been long enough that he almost can't handle the stretch. It's almost too much and makes him choke. His knees feel weak. His spit is making a wet spot on the couch cushions. Song Lan still doesn't stop, not until his hips are pressed flush against Xingchen's ass. His breath is coming heavy now, ragged. He's thoughtful again when he pauses to let then both get used to it, his hands resting on Xingchen's hips, one of them tacky with drying lube, and he pets soothingly at one hipbone like Xingchen is a skittish horse.

Like that, Xiao Xingchen remembers that he's supposed to breathe, and he takes a deep, shaking breath before letting it out loudly, and he can feel it relax down his spine. Song Lan pets him again, approvingly, then eases out of him only to slam back inside. Xiao Xingchen chokes on another cry, and that seems to encourage him, the pace rough and quick.

Time ceases to exist. Xingchen can't see, obviously, but the pleasure feels like starbursts of color in his mind. The apartment is very quiet, except for the wet slap of skin and too much lube (Song Lan was always careful like that) and their labored breathing, punctuated with moans and whimpers punched out of Xingchen's throat. It is so rough, he knows he is going to be sore, aching and remembering this for days. But it's so good too, Song Lan's cock stretching him and hollowing him out, making a space inside him. He's so hard it hurts, and his own cock is leaking. Song Lan's hand reaches down to cup it protectively, preventing it from smearing over the back of the couch. The pressure is maddening without friction to go with it, and Xingchen sobs out his pleasure, trembling and pushing back on him.

When he cums it's a punch to the gut, fingers white-knuckled against the couch cushions and a cry ripping out of his throat. His heart feels like it's hammering so hard that all he can hear for a few moments is the whoosh-whoosh of his heartbeat. But he realizes quickly that Song Lan has felt it. He drapes himself over Xingchen's back, fucking him hard and fast, racing towards the end. It must crash into him too, because he grunts and transforms into a heavy, shuddering weight, pressing him into the couch, his cock twitching inside.

Time still doesn't really exist. They might stay draped over that couch for hours, for all Xingchen can tell. His ass is sore, he can barely breathe, he's going to have bruises where the couch is digging into his midsection, and he feels like he hasn't been this happy in months. It's not just the sex – though, to be fair, the sex is amazing and a big part of it. It's what comes with the sex. He feels connected to Song Lan like this, special, needed. And then, taken care of, because eventually Song Lan straightens up and helps him up, drops down to help him work off his shoes and slacks so they can walk back to the bedroom. His arm supports Xingchen around the waist because he's for surewalking with a limp right now. He helps him get his shirt off and brushes his hair back over his shoulder and kisses his cheek, so sweet.

Xiao Xingchen makes to go to the bathroom. He still smells like smoke and wine and sex, and Song Lan won't want that in their bed. But before he can pull away, Song Lan pulls him back in close, nuzzles his hair and kisses him again in a way that makes his heart feel soft and warm, honey in his chest. He lets Song Lan lead him to bed, even though he has the distinct sensation of cum slowly starting to leak out of his body.

“Here, keep it in,” Song Lan rumbles low, curling up behind him and pressing his fingers into Xingchen, pressing it back inside. Xingchen sucks in a breath, his body feeling oversensitive and raw but good. It's not too much. Then there are some sounds behind him, and then he feels Song Lan's cock press into him again. That is almost too much, and he makes a small sound, not sure if he could handle a second round.

But it's not to fuck him. Song Lan settles, their bodies pressed close, fitting perfectly. Song Lan's nose presses into his shoulder, and he kisses there a few times. Without too much preamble, they fall asleep.

~

The next morning, of course, they are stuck together. It's a little disgusting, but there isn't a thing that Xiao Xingchen would have changed about the night before. He stirs a little, then makes a sound of complaint, his body protesting the movement from the waist down. Song Lan wakes up next, and Xingchen can practically hear his grimace when he remembers the position they were stuck in.

He's as careful as he can manage when he pulls away from Xingchen's body, pressing a gentle hand to his arm to indicate he should stay still. There are some bathroom sounds, water running, and then Song Lan returns with a warm, wet washcloth to gently wipe him clean. Xingchen has to bite his knuckle; his ass feels raw, sore and swollen. He can feel precisely how hard they went. He still doesn't regret a moment.

Song Lan treats him soft and sweet that morning, brings him breakfast in bed and combs his hair. They're both quiet, Xingchen because he's hesitant to say anything that will break the spell, and Song Lan because he seems exhausted from socializing so much the day before. Sometimes it's harder than others. Then to recuperate, he's quieter than usual, minimizing his interactions, sometimes even with Xingchen himself. Xingchen doesn't take it personally, and usually uses the time to indulge his own inner introvert and work on his own projects.

Nothing wrong with that, except that they continue to not talk about it. Xingchen can't make the shape of his desire into words, the way Song Lan's touch lights him up, the way he craves the desperate way they came together after the launch party. Song Lan's touches feel apologetic, half guilty, wary of pushing too far, like he's afraid of his own attraction. They haven't had to navigate anything like this before, where before they were coasting on instinct and now the waters feel choppy.

Xiao Xingchen finds it a welcome distraction to turn to the trial. There's no shortage of material – Xue Yang continues to be the media's darling or scapegoat by turns, sometimes both in the same article. He figures out how to find the best news channel to listen to what he can, certain amounts of testimony from witnesses and arguments from lawyers. He thinks its a small blessing that he himself was such a useless witness when it came to the stabbing incident, so he hasn't been called to court. In any case, that's how he first hears Xue Yang's voice, surprisingly young, always irreverent and teasing, even when he's supposed to be taking the court show seriously.

And it really does seem like a show. The prosecution is fighting as best they can, but the defense is barely working at all, their questions lazy and confident at the same time. The judge doesn't seem in any kind of hurry to help the prosecution when the defense steps out of line. Everything is played to the media like a huge circus, and everyone is marching towards a foregone conclusion.

Then, as quickly as it started, it's over. The media coverage disappears overnight. It's not old enough to be old news, but that's how it's treated. Xiao Xingchen has to search and search to find anything about the conclusion, and all he can find is basically a footnote stating that a settlement was reached, which sounds frankly preposterous. The charges against Xue Yang included murder! He hadn't thought it was possible that a settlement could be found against a potential murderer, especially when the prosecution had brought witnesses and evidence galore. It feels profoundly unfair, a sincere lack of justice, and he wonders how natural-born Americans feel about their supposed “justice system.”

His dissatisfaction with the finale of the trial makes it hard to put it all behind him. He struggles with sleeping and focusing on his projects and his studies, he's snappish and short-tempered and withdrawn from Song Lan. Even if Song Lan asked what is troubling him, he has no confidence that he could articulate it to any understandable degree. So Song Lan can't help, and Xiao Xingchen doesn't know how to help himself.

It's on a random day when Xingchen hears a knock on the door. That's unusual – Song Lan left for work, but he would have texted if he forgot his keys, and Xingchen doesn't think they're expecting any deliveries. He debates just leaving it, pretending he's not home, but the knock comes again, more insistent.

Heaving a big sigh, he picks himself up from where he had been lounging, attempting to read and feel somewhat productive but mostly just feeling listless. It crosses his mind that Song Lan might have gotten it in his head to do some kind of gesture, getting him flowers or something – not that flowers aren't thoughtful, but he thinks the gesture is now lost on him since he can't see them. He doesn't think he brushed his hair this morning, but this delivery man will just have to tolerate him looking a little messy. He finds the door and opens it, trying to put a pleasant expression on his face.

“Hello, can I help you?” he asks, and waits for a response.

None comes. He waits a few moments, then frowns. Was something dropped off? He considers bending to check for a box, but there's a feeling rising, a prickling feeling on the back of his neck that tells him he's being watched. But if there's someone there, why aren't they speaking? Why aren't they telling him why they're there? Belatedly, he realizes this might be some kind of burglar who could take advantage of him. He doesn't have a weapon, but there's an umbrella in the stand next to the door and knives in the kitchen, and though it's been years he still has his martial arts training. How much that will help, he doesn't know, he hasn't even attempted to fight anyone even to spar since he lost his sight, and he doesn't think running through the exercises and stretches in the morning will really help if someone actually attacks him.

Whoever is at the door still hasn't spoken, and it's making his nerves go haywire, his heart pounding even though he hasn't even moved. Maybe he's being stupid and getting freaked out over nothing. Maybe there's no one even there, and there's no reason for his skin to feel nervous cold/hot. “Hello?” he says again, this time significantly less confident, his voice giving out halfway through.

There's another few moments of silence, then a wild cackle, not an attractive laugh at all. It feels familiar, somehow, though it's not until Xue Yang speaks that Xiao Xingchen recognizes him.

“Wow. I guess you're real, huh?”

[retphienix]

I did it :)

So, I cried. That's a given.

Also this might be the most overwhelmingly happy ending in the series so far, you know, if you're used to every entry ending with "KIRYU DIE?????"

Bonus points because this ending DID NOT immediately reveal that he lives! I know my intro here is all unserious and the like but genuinely, that does a lot for making the scene so much more impactful and it worked here even though I know he returns for Y6.

So, I'm gonna do this post like the last big post because there's too many thoughts to expel.

Timestamps as I rewatch so I can share my thoughts. Then a short conclusion because honestly? This game has taken all my words multiple times.

I just want to calmly and happily say my final piece at the end :)

0:39 - Spoiler, this ending SUCKS because it doesn't include a final rhythm battle for Haruka! Now I think I read somewhere that there's a member of that assassin clan she can dance battle as a final challenge but I clearly didn't do that right and missed out and that's beside the point- THERE'S NO RHYTHM GAMEPLAY IN THIS FINALE >:(

9:00 - I EARNED IT, I'M USING IT!

13:00 - Spoiler for later, Shinada doesn't get to say this from what I recall. Instead Baba gets a different wake up call, but that works out :)

17:00 - Not now, but this will come up, I offer to you my johns for what happens in the first boss fight. My eyes were dry as hell so I missed some QTEs which means I didn't get the flashiest stuff to happen. This actually happened at the end of Y4 also but I restarted just to capture good footage- not this time.

17:30 - MOUSE. MOUSE MOUSE, A LITTLE RAT, MOUSE. Love to see it.

19:00 - The audible sigh I let out when they played the same song I've heard like 40 times in my playthrough was palpable. I do dig the song! But there are what? 4 Idol songs? They really needed more or to not saturate their use so much :(

19:40 - I legitimately gasped and went "Oh no... of course it's you!" at Baba's role in this. It added a lot of weight to the way he practically begged Haruka not to show up.

20:50 - So here's the gist. Majima's plan didn't work out, we know that. Majima has a REALLY good line and motivator moment where he says he's following orders now to protect Haruka because she means more to Kiryu than anything (and that's how Majima rolls), Majima then reveals some shit which can be amounted to "I think you've gotten weak and wanted to protect you!!!!" which does ring slightly hollow since we saw Majima at a ridiculously low point earlier. So either his low point was him contemplating Saejima's survival chances, or his low point was sincere (it sure sounded it) and his worry over Saejima being weak was just also happening at the same time. I don't really mind either way to be honest, we beat him up. I fail some QTEs.

33:00 - Baba deciding not to fulfill his orders on his own accord is actually extremely important and good as hell. It shows that all this changed him and gave him the motivation to forge his own path- or rather it began to though he's overwhelmed with doubt. It's extremely good.

33:50 - The fact he intentionally leaves evidence shows how much doubt he has though, he's giving up entirely more than forging his own path, he's just refusing to follow the orders of another but hasn't found the strength to continue on his own. It's really good is all.

38:00 - This was the first cry I had beating the game x.x Shinada is just a phenomenally likeable character, and watching him accept where his life has gone and what it's meant to others is way more touching than I'd assume considering it's a tale of a baseball star.

40:50 - THIS WAS HYPE AS HELL AND LEAD TO MY SECOND CRY. THIS PRISON FAMILY HAS NO RIGHT BEING THIS ENDEARING. Also, more or less, they get to deliver the message Shinada was supposed to lol.

42:50 - THIRD AND BIG AS HELL CRY. SHINADA YOU FOOL, YOU'VE A FOUND FAMILY AFTER-ALL!!! I genuinely adore this moment so much is all. It's such a wonderful payoff for this loveable fool. After all the runnin' away he has a home.

43:36 - I love Shinada so much the silly fuck.

46:00 - I got a laugh out of Akiyama KICKING ASS in the news footage (didn't mention but the first brawl cutscene was rather lacking wasn't it?) and Kiryu just like... punches a guy. It's hilarious to me. Also you best believe- I UNLOCKED IT, I'M USING IT!!!

48:00 - Now this is a, well, it's a bad reveal. Like look, there is a metric ton of good going on in this finale- but the reveal that Aizawa is his son and is evil and is the final boss is just too much zero-build-up-payoff. It's the worst part. It's not like extremely detrimental or anything- like it doesn't take away from the good stuff- but it's just entirely uninteresting and bad. It makes Aizawa's interest in Morinaga bizarre and uninteresting since he got no payoff, he had buildup with Saejima and then in the final scenes he's just like "Yeah, Mori was nice but who gives a fuck I am the one who killed him (I think he said) and I aspire to be strong as fuck because all of YOU IDIOTS have FRIENDS and CHARISMA >:(" and like, who fuckin' cares bud.

52:00 - Now I'll more or less sum up all of Akiyama's payoff here. 1- I unlocked it so I'm gonna use it! 2- He offhandedly says he wants to be a legend in this town, which in Y4 he already was- he was a myth, a city mystery- but of course he means like Kiryu not the loch ness monster. 3- He gets to be a legend by being the only civilian (or person in general) the Omi would bow to. It's kind of not built up at all and is a bit lame, but to be honest Akiyama has a pretty bit part in this entire game. He's kinda just a convenient returning character with motivation to assist Kiryu and a career that allows motivation to get involved through Park. To be blunt, his part in the story is weak. I wish it was stronger. But it's inoffensive and he at least gets something- as minor as it is. Getting to say he's king of the world is something, you know?

56:00 - I will say that the build up of "Oh shit, these are Kanai's men!" and the reveal that "Oh shit! They are WATASE'S men and all the clans who the Tojo were seeking alliances with!" is a good one. Watase is a fine enough character which I bring up only because I was told he was a standout- but he wasn't for me. His scenes are great, his growth with Katsuya is nice, but he's barely in the game and really only exists to be betrayed and then to be like "I'm one of the good yakuza despite being a war-lusting one because being a good yakuza is just complicated enough to allow this overlap" which is interesting for sure, but I don't know. Unless he does stuff in the subsequent games I didn't catch much in this one. Maybe he does- I assume he runs the Omi now!

1:00:00 - I kinda summed it up but yeah. Here's the final boss, Aizawa, a character we were mislead on and who's motivation is empty as fuck. It's, whatever. It's not the good part of the ending. The good part is everything prior and directly after. Like his entire deal is anti-silver-spoon talking points but also he includes being charismatic or capable as silver spoon-isms??? He pretty much just wants to be leader because he's strong. He'd arguably be more interesting if he just said it that way.

1:11:00 - The lyrics to Dream are anything but subtle and I love them and I love Haruka. Sliding this in here- Majima gets no payoff >:( Park's dream is accomplished in seeing her star on the stage, but no Majima moment? No sight of him accepting her loss? Lame.

1:14:00 - I genuinely LOVE that Aizawa focuses in on Kiryu's gunshot wound. He still accepts it as a fair fight because Kiryu presents it as one, but even then he pays mind to it as you'd expect someone wanting to fight at their strongest would- he wants to fight Kiryu at his best and he's accepting this because Kiryu presents as his best even when wounded- it's pretty cool. Fight happens. It's fine stuff, flashy and fun. Still maybe the weakest final boss yet because he has no build up. I'd be the first to admit without looking it up I can't list every final boss thus far, but like, Nishi was built up, Mine was built up, Goda was built up, I just, in this moment, don't recall having a big "WHO THE FUCK, THIS MEANS NOTHING?" fight in yakuza and this is certainly one of those.

1:25:00 - I cried AGAIN. Haruka just hit me with a truck of emotion here is all.

1:41:15 - This is a beautifully shot, emotional, and tragic looking ending. Heck, at 1:43:00 I initially thought he was being awoken in a hospital bed and I was like "Heh, there's the old Kiryu dies fakeout!" but no! They hammer home, they go for broke, they give a TRAGIC AS FUCK bitter ending on top of an ending that's like 99% happy as fuck in terms of offering everyone involved hope for the future. This was a good end :)

So then, some overall thoughts I maybe didn't get out- I mean there's no way this post touches everything but I want to at least try to because I like sharin' the experience and what I got out of it.

The fighting styles were mighty uneven as far as strengths or fun factor. To be blunt,

Kiryu has an overpowered counter attack and heat mode and since heat mode is underwhelming as hell that means he has JUST a counter attack- his strikes don't really hit all that well considering the improvements other characters saw this time around, so he's a bit one note here.

Saejima feel even meatier than before, nothing particularly 'stands out' but the fact that he has super armor as long as he has heat is a pretty big factor in making him feel good to use.

Akiyama got the short end of the straw this time around. His new gimmick is the launch combos and they are... well... less than shit at least from what I could feel during gameplay. They don't hurt much, they burn heat like crazy, and they can MISS, all while being a move that targets just one enemy- has no counter to blocking or armor- and provides no armor in turn.

Despite not losing anything, he kinda got screwed.

(I'm lead to believe Akiyama is invulnerable during his aerial combos which my blurb in my finale post complained felt worthless and cited that as a reason.

If so then I was wrong but I still hold all my other complaints towards it, just not the 'it has no armor or invuln' bit assuming that's true.)

Shinada wins out for being unique and being a weapon oriented character that actually does well with weapons. Weapons have always been something I pretty much ignore in Yakuza and the series itself has always desperately tried to make them interesting with things like weapon skills, Kamiya works, and the like. But other than the god weapons like the golden gun weapons just never felt good to manage.

Using them, sure, that's fine, but managing them? Durability and skills and limited movesets and all that? Nah. But Shinada really does a lot to make them less shit! His innate abilities that raise durability a metric ton REALLY make weapons feel better to use with him- and his unique movesets with weapons are pretty damn good (mostly. The pipe/'normal one hander pole size object' moveset is worthless as heck, it regularly misses).

He's fun.

===

Revelations were a miss this time around for me. Since you couldn't have seen them if you tried on my blog let it be known- I ONLY got the quest related revelations for each character- which is to say- ONE rev per character.

Revelations in 5 are weapon based, and not just 'bat or pole or gun' or whatever- they are DISPOSABLE TEMPORARY weapon based.

What you are supposed to do is go to the specific place on the map where that one revelation weapon spawns, hope like hell you find an enemy, and wail on them like crazy. If you use a weapon x amount of times then you'll get a revelation according to the internet. This is beyond ridiculous and means a normal playthrough will get none of these, while a focused one will be bored out of their mind GRINDING to get these.

I did not bother.

===

Now.

Yakuza 5.

This might be my favorite Yakuza overall.

I still think 0 is probably the best overall for most people, it has the best style, it has from what I've experienced the best gameplay, it's story is tear jerking and exciting and fun.

But as a yakuza game overall, I really have to give it to 5 personally. Because 0 tried to work within its bounds- it made itself a great entry point to the series or a great addition to Yakuza 1 / Kiwami as background.

But 5 is building on 4 previous games and it does so fucking phenomenally.

There's something to be said about a later entry in a series gaining extra payoff thanks to multiple entries of build up and character depth and 5 fucking does it.

I just. It explores the motivation of some fan-favorites so well, it expands characters so fucking well, I know I've harped on about it but just Saejima- man! Saejima goes from a run of the mill "Decent" character to a fully fledged and explored entity! And I LOVE him!

And no he's not the only shining spot, like hell he is, but he's such a posterchild for what 5 does right in my eyes- take something that's already good and breath some life into it. Also I adore it's laser focus on a singular theme and all the ways it wanted to explore it.

Like. I think Kiwami and Zero take the cake for the most fun I've had " 'playing' Yakuza so far, but 5 takes the cake for the most fun I've had 'in general' like gameplay and me just thinking about it because there's so much to think on.

More time will tell as I compartmentalize my thoughts and perhaps forget some details as one does, but right this moment- this might be my favorite Yakuza game.

I love it.

Also, woot! I beat Y5 before Monhun Rise came out :D Now I can start that game without putting a story on hold!

...

Except I also told my sister that I'd start Omori after Y5. So I guess alongside monhun I'll be playing through a game with a hefty and wonderfully done story. Which is what I didn't want to do with Y5.

I just can't win, lol.

[iamoncewas]

By the end of KH3 Sora has become aware of his "fate". He says he knows that it will lead him "home". YMX told Sora he was done, and his time in this world was over. We see in the secret ending that he is not home, and is, I think, in the "abyss." Where no one should be able to find him. So why would the intro monologue suggest his mental state when he seems to be in a not great situation?

Sora's home is Destiny Islands. I believe Sora, Kairi, and Riku and their name choices reflect the island itself, land in the middle of sea and sky. The island itself then, is Riku. Their home. So one of the intended meanings of this statement, I think, is that Sora now knows that what he feels for Riku is beyond friendship, or romance: it's fate. He knows that they are fundamentally connected, and even though they are seperate they are a greater whole. They were destined to be by each others' side. He shows that he kind of instinctively knows this in DDD, but he doesn't yet understand the scope. But Joshua gets it.

Even though Sora is lost in the deepest darkness and no one should be able to find him, Riku does. They are seperated, but they aren't. This is what the Power of Waking was intended for, traversing hearts to reach worlds. Riku was led by Sora's heart. Sora also used the power correctly when he opened the door to the Realm of Darkness following Riku and Aqua's hearts, and when he woke Ventus.

When they do their Mark of Mastery exam, which Sora only agrees to after hearing Riku question if he himself is still worthy to wield, it culminates in Riku literally unlocking Sora's heart. Once Sora is freed from the Armored Ventus Nightmare [which I think was Vanitas possessing Ventus's armor] he sinks deeper into his heart's darkness. Riku picks up Sora's dropped Kingdom Key, which was once his, to do this, instead of using Way to the Dawn. Keyblades could be said to be the key to ones heart, and he gave his to Sora. He then used it to unlock Sora's heart, freeing him. This is literal and metaphorical, and I think this is why, in KH3, Sora can now Formchange instead of using Drive Forms. Drive Forms incurred a penalty for overuse in Anti Form. Formchanges do not, and I think this is Sora's true power as a keyblade wielder, the ability to change the manifestations of his keyblade, and to be able to wield so fluidly. Which is why they no longer incur a penalty, because Sora is using his powers as a keyblade wielder properly for the first time. Final Form has been replaced with Ultimate Form, which is Sora's true... ultimate form.

So Sora did achieve the Power of Waking during his exam, and like Ventus said, he never lost it.

So then why the hell did Yen Sid only name Riku a Master if Sora achieved all this power? Why did he send Sora to find the Power of Waking when he already had it?

Because Riku discovered the source of true strength, which is what truly matters; true love. His motivation is Sora.

This is that "untold power and wisdom" Kingdom Hearts holds that people covet so much and start Keyblade Wars over. It's just the power of true love. And it resides in every heart.

While Sora was affected by Riku unlocking his heart, Yen Sid knows that he hasn't yet discovered what the source of his true strength is, his love for Riku. Which is why he sends him right on over to Hercules, so Herc can tell him about his act of sacrifice for Meg. Yen Sid knows what's up, which makes me think he might have the Book of Prophecies and is aware of Sora and Riku's ultimate importance.

While Sora derps around Olympus, Riku and Mickey talk about his newfound inner strength, his resolve, and how it comes from his desire to protect what matters. Sora. When Way to the Dawn breaks, this is reference to him completely overcoming the darkness within him, his jealousy, fear, doubt. It manifested from Soul Eater, which manifested from his heart's darkness. His new keyblade is Braveheart. It has 9 notches, the 7 at the tip I believe representing the hearts of the 7 Princesses, the 7 Pure Lights. And the other 2 near the hilt representing himself and Sora. It also has a Mickey token, whereas Way to the Dawn did not. This is significant because the only other keyblades with Mickey tokens are the Kingdom Keys. So Braveheart is of the same nature as Kingdom Key, directly tied to Kingdom Hearts. And Riku and Sora's combined keyblade, when complete, has a Hidden Mickey near the hilt.

It's hard to tell when Sora actually realizes that's hes meant to be with Riku. In the tunnel, after rescuing everyone's heart but Kairi's, when he finds her, he gives her all the credit for his surviving. So this to me implies that when he said this, he didn't get it yet, since he doesnt mention Riku at all. And he says the light was her even though he instinctively called out Riku's name when he first saw it, contradicting himself.

But right after that it shows scenes of Rapunzel and Eugene, and Anna and Elsa after their respective acts of sacrifice. Specifically, it shows the joyful embraces afterwards. In Arendelle that scene went like this:

This is when he realized what exactly Riku was saying to him through his act of self sacrifice. Which was, "I love you." And I think he also realizes that love is what reversed death in both of these cases. Like Elsa says, "Of course. Love!"

And then upon arriving back, this happens.

When he reached for that light, I think he saw Riku reaching out to him [which has kind of become his... signature stance, reaching out his hand to Sora]. Even though Riku isn't standing there when they arrive. Nobody is. Which is why he looks so flabbergasted that theres nothing there. Sweet Kairi then asks him if hes okay, and shes talking about on an emotional level. Kairi knows Sora had a profound realization through this ordeal. Kairi knows. So I think Sora also knows at this point, which would have been the turning point in the timeline. So in the first timeline that ended with Riku's death, he apparently didn't get the message for whatever reason. He never heard Riku's "I love you." Or, if he did, he did not take it seriously enough. [I'm now convinced one of the stars in the Final World was the Riku who died in the original timeline, and he showed Sora those visions. If it was, this would have been why Sora didn't get the message originally. Because Riku wasn't dead yet. So this Riku star is waiting in the Final World for HIS Sora, the Master of Masters. Who isn't dead. Once the MoM gives his heart to the present Riku and is healed, I believe he will pass on like Repliku did, and join his Riku in death. He won't need to exist, because the world already has Sora. Like what Repliku said to Riku.][Also, its heartbreaking that Riku had to die for Sora to realize how much he means to him. Keep in mind the meanings of the Re:Mind title Nomura gave: reminder, being reminded of something, reconfirmation, confirming it AGAIN, and hearts regeneration.]

Data-Namine said Sora had very painful memories that would be too much for him if he became aware of them, but they are not his memories. I believe there are memories in there related to the fact that he was going to have to choose between Riku and Kairi eventually. He originally sacrificed Riku to save Kairi and he lost everything. In chess, any piece except the king may be sacrificed.

Kairi's sacrifice allowed Riku to live in this timeline. [I see people refer to what happened to Kairi as fridging, but really, it was a sacrifice that I believe she was aware had to happen. A noble act of true love, just like Riku's act of self sacrifice] So to me this confirms my suspicion that Foreteller Ava is Kairi/Namine/Xion. Which is why she never appeared in the Epilogue. She carried out her role, which was to ensure the survival of the light. And she did. Riku survived through Kairi's sacrifice [showing that Kairi holds immense love for both Sora and Riku]. This is why, when she questioned the Master about her given role, if she were the right person for it, he replied thusly:

The 7 hearts that must be saved not only referred to Sora's friends after their death, but also to the hearts of the Master and his 6 Apprentices. Ava has been saved. She is safe, or the... many manifestations of her are. The others still have parts to play, and Sora is now following his heart to Riku, [his fate] and as long as he does that, they will be saved. I also find Ava to have the most devotion to, belief in, and trust in their Master than any of the others. I find this parallel to Kairi's unwavering belief in Sora. Only Luxu may have equal devotion, weirdly enough. He went through quite alot at the will of his Master, and his face shows it.

Gula's role was to find the traitor and stop them. I believe Gula must be Demyx. This just sounds dumb, since Gula is so cool and Demyx is a goon. But there is one Demyx moment everyone remembers because it was so very out of character for him.

While many Org members referred to Sora as traitor in reference to Roxas, I believe this is a hint to Demyx's past, now that its confirmed that hes an ancient keyblade wielder. And like he says to Sora:

So Demyx/Gula will play a part in Sora and Vanitas's reunion. If Vanitas's heart is lost Sora will never be complete, so they must unite in order for Sora to become what he was destined to be, the Master of Masters. Along with Riku, the True King, they will be the World's defenders, just what Kingdom Hearts made them for, and what their entire journey has led to. Everything happened exactly the way it had to for them to become what they are.

Almost like it was their fate or something.

[randomdcfangirl]

Personal Hairstylist

Okay, this is Jason x POC Reader but reader is not living anymore. It's probably going to be sad and or triggering so be warned. Anyway, because reader was mom and is dead that means Jason dose her hair and things the 'moms do' (I put that in quotes because there are a lot of amazing single dads out there that don't have the recognition they deserve). So Jason is a single dad, daughter is about 6 years old.

Btw I'm a mixed girl who has extremely mixed hair. If you didn't think it was a thing OH MY GOD. My hair is a mess, it's curly and just a lot to handle. When it's wet and full of conditioner oh it's easy but when it's dry and tangled don't even think of getting a brush through it. But anyway my mom is black and my dad is white, I appear as a 'white girl' because my mom is light skin. I have 3 siblings and we are all the same skin tone.

Warnings: a couple cuss words, mentions of death, possibly triggering, Justice League is kinda insensitive, kinda depressing but it has a happy ending.

(D/N): Daughters name, (Y/N): Your name (L/N): Last name

Loosely inspired by a headcanon I saw by @secondratefiction

(btw the picture is a example of their daughters skin tone and hair type, but you can use her as your daughter if you would like).

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

The night Jason got the news you weren't coming home he broke. He didn't care who saw or heard, all that was on his mind was the fact that you were gone. He cried, about the pain, about what happened, what this would mean for (D/N) since she was 8 months at the time.

You were in an accident, a MAC truck driver didn't look before pulling out and smashed your car. Your injuries were bad, like really bad, swollen brain, fractured skull, broken legs, spine, arms, ribs and many more injuries. You were lucky you didn't die on the spot, you were in a coma for 3 weeks before you passed.

Jason was sitting at home with the 8 month old baby in his arms. Bruce and his brother's were there to check on him, Alfred was there to take care of (D/N) when he went back to the hospital for the night. But instead Jason's phone rang, he set the sleeping baby on the couch next to him, he was there so she wouldn't fall, then answered.

"Hello?" He answered over the phone.

"Calling for Jason Todd?" The voice said.

"Thats me." He replied.

"I'm sorry to say but (Y/N) (L/N) passed away at 8:31 p.m., you may come here to see her and say your goodbyes." The doctor said. It was now 9:00 p.m.

Jason didn't know how to respond, so he hung up and threw his phone at the wall, shattering it. He had just seen you an hour ago, he came home to put (D/N) to bed then go back when Alfred arrived to take care of her. He was about to leave to spend the night with you there. That's when the crying came, no one needed an explanation, they understood what happened and started tearing up too. As much as Alfred wanted to cry as well as everyone else he just took (D/N) off the couch so the noise didn't wake her.

When everyone calmed down enough they went to the hospital. Jason brought (D/N) so she could say bye as well even though she doesn't understand. Safe to say that was the worst day of Jason's life, that beats his death, or anything horrible that has happened to him in the past. When they got to your room Jason laid your daughter on your chest that wasn't moving anymore. He laid his head on your shoulder as more tears and quiet sobs came out.

"I'm sorry it has to end this way. I can't believe you're gone, it hasn't set in yet. I love you so fucking much, I'm sorry I wasn't there. I'm just so sorry." Jason said to your motionless body.

Jason felt a hand on his shoulder, he looked to see Bruce then turned back in your shoulder. The rest of the night was a blur to Jason, all he knew was he had to raise (D/N) into a queen he knew you would love.

Now it's almost 6 years later and Jason was getting (D/N) ready for school. He was doing her hair, when her hair was starting to get really long he taught himself how to do it. With the help of Kori, Barbara and YouTube videos, mostly YouTube because Kori and Babs didn't have hair like her so he got a lot of help from YouTube. It was definitely a trial and error type of thing.

But he did it, damn he was good too. He learned how to braid and how to slay dam edge's. He also is definitely teaching (D/N) how to embrace her curl's and love who she is. She's so much like you it's crazy, Jason has definitely cried over that many times but would never admit it.

"Okay, go look in the mirror." He told her as he picked her up off of the bar stool she was sitting on. They walked to the bathroom. "Do you like it?"

"I look so pretty." She said.

"Yes you do, like the queen you are." Jason told her. He was going to make her the most confident and independent woman you ever did see.

"Daddy, do you think mommy would like it?" She asked, the question stunned him for a minute but he composed himself.

"Yes, she would've loved it, almost as much as she loves you." Jason would never admit it but he almost cried.

"I wish she was here." She said, about to cry as well.

"Me too pumpkin," He sighed and picked her up them placed her on the bathroom counter by the sink. "But mommy wouldn't want us to be sad, she would want you to be happy, and you got me and I'm not going anywhere."

"Okay, I love you." She told him.

"I love you too. Now, how about we get you to school?" He asked her.

She nodded and hopped on the countertop to get her shoes. Slipping them on she asked her dad to tie them for her, he did and grabbed her bag. Walking out the door he made sure he had everything then locked the apartment door. She held his hand as they walked down to Jason's car. She was really small so she had a booster seat that she knew how to do, Jay waited for her to finish before driving off.

In the car they started talking about random things, like all the friends she's going to play with today and what Jason gave her for lunch etc.

"Your like my own hair dresser." (D/N) told him which made him chuckle.

"I like personal hairstylist better." Jason said as he stopped outside of her school. "Okay, let's walk you in."

So she unhooked her seat belt and got out of her seat just as Jay opened her door. Once again grabbing his hand to walk her inside. Getting to her class she, Jason crouched down to hug and kiss her.

"Bye daddy." She said.

"Bye, have fun, okay?" He told her smiling.

She nodded and ran in the class, Jason watched her put her bag in her cubby then go sit on the rug with everyone else that was there. Jason looked and smiled one last time before walking back to his car. He had to go to the manor for some vigilante stuff, he had stopped missions and only patroled sometimes so he could take care of (D/N). He did help with behind the scenes stuff sometimes too.

When he pulled up to the manor he just walked in the door and down to the cave. Tim's face was in his computer as always, Dick and Damian were sparring, Babs was on her laptop looking through case files, Alfred and Bruce were at the Batcomputer looking at something.

"Hey jaybird, how's it going?" Dick asked.

"As well as it can." Jason responded.

That made everyone look at him.

"Where's (D/N)?" Tim asked finally pulling his face out his screen.

"School." Jason told him.

"What day is it?" Tim looked at the date.

"It's Tuesday. When was the last time you looked at the date?" Dick asked.

"Saturday, I think. Friday maybe?" Tim said.

"If you got you face out if your screen you might actually have a sense of time, Drake." Damian said.

"Yeah, Yeah demon." Tim shot back.

The case wasn't to tricky to solve but it was a league case so we had to talk to them over the phone. Then they were coming to Gotham because it wasn't safe to discuss it over the phone. Bruce was about to insist that he'll come to the watchtower but they hung up. Noticing what time it was Jason had to pick up (D/N).

"I have to get (D/N) from school." Jason announced going upstairs.

"Are you coming back?" Bruce asked.

"Yeah, she would kill me if she found out I came here without her then didn't bring her." Jason chuckled.

A noise no one has heard from him in a long time. It put a small smile on Bruce's face, he was getting soft in his older years. Especially with (D/N) since she was his first grandchild, Dick and Babs didn't have kids yet, Tim and Cass (wondergirl) were really young still and Damian and Raven were also really young. (Y/N) just happened to get pregnant and it wasn't planned, that's how that happened.

Jason drove to the school and walked to her class. She already had her bag and was waiting for him. But her hair was all over the place, one bun was out the other falling and the back had grass in it and was all frizzy. Jason suspected she was rolling in the grass.

"Hey princess." Jason said to her.

"You said I was a queen." She told him.

"You are a queen," Jason picked her up "But you're my princess."

"You're silly, dad." She giggled.

"Also, what happened to your hair?" Jason asked her. She shrugged. "Okay, we are going to the manor because daddy has some stuff to do, but do you want me to fix your hair?"

"Can you fix my hair in the," she stopped looked around to make sure no one was there then whispered. "Batcave?"

"Sure." Jason chuckled.

He walked back to the car and they both got buckled up for the drive to the manor. Once they arrived they once again went straight to the Batcave. The league was there but (D/N) didn't care and immediately ran to Bruce, he was talking so she quickly and quietly set in his lap waiting for him to be done. Once he was she said 'hi' and gave him a hug, The JL already knew about her so it wasn't surprising to see her. What was surprising to them was the fact Bruce smiled at her.

She greeted everyone else while Jason went to get her hair stuff that they'd left over here. Alfred had put it in Jason's old rooms bathroom for them. They're was a paddle brush, wide tooth comb and some products to keep the frizz down and a spray bottle with water in it. When Jason got back down there (D/N) was already sitting on a stool waiting. Dick wasn't to far either, so they were talking about stuff.

"What's going on with your hair there?" Dick asked her.

"I was playing." Was her response.

"I picked her up like that, I have know idea how it happened." Jason told him.

He got up behind her and started fixing the mess of hair she had.

"How do you want your hair?" Jay asked her.

"Can you put it up, I'm hot." She said.

"I can do that." Jason said.

So he did a bun so it was off her neck and shoulders.

"You're really good at that." Flash said surprised.

"I better be after doing it for over 5 years." Jason replied as (D/N) got off the stool.

"Daddy, I'm hungry." She told him.

"Oh come this way Miss, (D/N). I have some cookies upstairs waiting for you." Alfred said after over hearing her and grabbed her hand walking her upstairs.

Jason watched them with a small smile as his gathered up all the hair stuff to put back upstairs later. The league had a few questions about things but Jason didn't bother answer any. He was just helping them get filled in on the part of the case he worked on. After a little bit he went upstairs to put the hair stuff away and check on (D/N).

"So spooky, where's his baby momma?" Green Lantern (Hal) asked.

"(Y/N) was her name, she was in a fatal car accident 8 months after (D/N) was born. Automatically leaving Jason with his daughter and having to play both roles." Bruce told them.

"That's rough, dude." Flash said (Wally)

"It is, Jason is sensitive to that topic so don't ask him about it. Especially in front of (D/N)." Bruce said. His voice was very demanding so they didn't want to test that.

"Yeah, don't do that unless you want to be shot." Tim chuckled.

"Would he do that to us?" Wonder Woman asked.

"He would, if you haven't noticed he doesn't taken to you guys ver well." Damian said. Then mumbled "Although you imbeciles probably wouldn't notice."

Superman heard but didn't know how to respond. He thought about saying something but realized it would probably get him insulted further.

"Yeah, you guys really get on his bad side." Dick confirmed. "Jason has been through hell and back, literally, and he feels like y'all treat him like any other criminal. Except you don't take him in."

"We do because he is." Wonder Woman said.

"Jason is a good man who's made some bad mistakes. He doesn't even put his mask on nearly as much as he used to. That changed when (Y/N) died." Barbara told them.

The League went quiet to process what the bats just said. But shortly after Jason and his daughter came back downstairs, they came to say bye because they had to go home. They said bye and (D/N) gave everyone a hug, including the league. Getting in the car they drove home. Once they got home and went inside they hung out for like an hour.

"What do you want for dinner, pumpkin?" Jason asked her.

"Ummm, pizza." She said excitedly.

"I guess we could, we haven't had it in awhile. Can you get my phone out of the kitchen?" He asked, she nodded and walked to go get it.

When she came back with his phone he ordered the pizza and waited for it to be delivered. When the knock came he went to the door to get it. He told (D/N) to get 2 paper plates from the kitchen, when she came back she placed them on the coffee table.

"Can we watch a movie?" She asked.

"What movie do you want to watch?" Jason replied.

"Frozen." She set down on the couch and Jason put her plate with pizza on her lap and went to turn the movie on.

After he put it on he joined her on the couch with his own plate and watched the movie too. Once they were both finished and so was the movie Jason got (D/N) all clean and ready for bed. She had her favorite pair of pajamas that consisted of blue cupcakes shorts and a short sleeve shirt with a cupcake on it. Jason read her a story, it was 'Brown bear Brown bear', after that was done he kissed her goodnight and left. He came to check later to see she was sleeping super peacefully.

What a perfect end to the day.

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Okay, I was going to post this earlier today but I fell asleep lol. I really hope you like it.