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all-might-can-smash-me · 4 years

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Dad/Family headconons

Masterlist

Aizawa, Taishiro, Toshinori, Sir Nighteye, and Hawks

Aizawa Shouta/Eraserhead

Despite him being that kind of nonchalant, I don’t give a shit about anything kind of person.....he’s a family guy

Loves kids

He just wants you to have a huge army of kids following alongside you hand in hand to visit him at work.

Looks forward to being able to relate to someone else with his quirk

Doesn’t care if they are all girls, all boys, a mixture of both, or even fostering or adopting, he’s for everything

Was kind of afraid to open up about that side of himself when you two got married, but you are all for it too

Feels that he can handle it with your help thanks to having some experience with dealing with his students

Is slapped in the face with shock when you two have your first 2 or 3 kids because infants are, you guessed it, nothing like teens who are all emotional about becoming a prohero

Guess he would be prepared for whenever they would get to their teenage years

Except for periods because he didn’t know anything about them but he’ll probably take the time to learn about it from you

Still happy over his growing army though

Still loves the chaos of it all, plus it’s good to have Aizawa to control their quirks when they start to develop

The chaos also reminds him of his own time in school with his few friends he had....they were always so vibrant and loud unlike him and he kind of envied it (secretly)

Yamada and Kayama (Present Mic and Midnight) loves to visit his little army and spoil them with toys and snacks even if Aizawa disapproved of it

You helped hand out the toys and snacks.....Aizawa could suck it up

Napping piles are normal in this household, so don’t be freaked when you see all of your children curled up or around Aizawa under a pillow fort in the living room.

It breaks his heart everytime though when his kids beg to take a stray cat home and he has to say no....but he’ll end up going back on patrol to feed it and then probably cave in and bring it home anyway

He’ll just shrug off his children’s accusations of him being a ‘hypocrite’ for saying no to their pleas earlier and say something like ‘Well I said you couldn’t do it, nothing about me though’

The tea parties are lit and he’ll crush anyone at a video game

Taishiro Toyomistu/Fatgum

Really never thought about having his own kids until meeting Kirishima and Tamaki

Life was changed FOREVER since meeting them, now he would like to have his own family

It was kind of confusing to finally have the talk of having kids a couple of years into your marriage, but your views on having kids were changed too after meeting the two UA students

He let you on thinking just one or two kids were great, but you didn’t know if you should have been surprised that you were in the hospital room pushing out your 5th child

It was kind of funny to see Taishiro freaking out even if it was his 5th time next to you in labor

Your kids were so use to it they just sat out in the hallway doing their schoolwork or playing games on their iPads as Kirishima and Tamaki watched over them (your labor would always catch them while they were out on patrol)

I picture that all his kids are girls

He uses the excuse “just one more kid, maybe this time it’ll be a boy”, It’s NEVER a boy

I feel that he’s the dad to sneak home McDonald’s fries or ice cream to his kids despite you not liking it

Will take the blame when you catch one of your daughters munching on fries on the way back to her room (daughters will also try to take the blame, but how the heck could girls 13 and younger sneak out all the way to McDonalds)

He’ll also get all his daughters together to bake a cake and also decorate it. The creativity shown by his daughters will always amaze him.

He and his daughters would even clean up the kitchen together...mostly so that you wouldn’t get mad upon seeing the kitchen as a disaster

Gets way into watching Barbie’s Life in the Dream House and secretly really loves our queen Raquelle

All Might/Toshinori Yagi

Just wants one little girl

To spoil her ROTTEN!

Seeing his friend David Sheild’s daughter Melissa grow up and look so happy always made him envious. Young Midoriya also played a huge role in his desire for at least one kid

One child was enough for the two of you and thankfully your first and only child was a girl

Gran Torino will also spoil her rotten along with Sir Nighteye

Will not be embarrassed to be caught sprawled out on the ground with your daughter playing with dolls

He’s actually quite proud of the fact that he doesn’t mind getting down and dirty when it comes to playing with ‘girly’ things with his young daughter unlike other dads

Loves to play Studio Ghibli movies for your daughter.....but Yagi is way more into it

I say this because Toshinori will try to hide his tears while watching My Neighbor Totoro as your daughter is fast asleep on his lap.

He will also sneak in a rated pg-13 hero movie from the United States in when your gone too....and then he’ll act surprise when your daughter would repeat the fowl language she heard in the movie

He would and WILL spend hours on YouTube to learn how to braid hair and put bows in and ribbons

He would bring her to work a lot too to see class 1A in action

Daughter will forever be his ‘baby’, so he HATES the thought of her starting to date and get married.

So when she admitted that the boy ‘Todoroki’ in his class was handsome while heading home one day from his work, he swore off boys....

He wasn’t surprised though, she was always managing to get Todoroki to hold her hand while Toshinori would have class 1A doing scenarios in teams and showing off her hair to him and asking if he noticed anything different.

Todoroki is a good sport, he held her hand and always complimented her hair...

Yeah she was mad at Toshinori and you made him unswear off boys, especially Todoroki

Brings your daughter to work just to brag about how he did her hair to EVERYONE

Mirai Sasaki/Sir Nighteye

Eh....he didn’t want kids, never had the desire tbh

Though something about UA students’ charming personalities making these heroes want families. Mirio got him thinking one kid couldn’t be so bad

You were shocked when he asked to have a kid, but you agreed....after discussing it for awhile to make sure he wanted this

I picture him having one cute, little shy boy

Like the cute little boy with glasses who wears those cute shorts with a bug related shirt that just wants to search for roly-poly in the dirt and grass in the back yard

Very quiet and a bit shy around new people, but is literally the most polite little boy in the WORLD

Nighteye will use his quirk on his son when out looking for bugs to just see if he missed something in the grass or dirt, but that’s as far as he’ll use it

The reason why Nighteye thinks he’s so funny is because your son (and you of course along with mirio) are the only ones who laugh at his jokes, especially your son

Your son finds ANYTHING his dad says or does hilarious. His dad made a gasp of excitement along side his son upon finding a millipede? Instant laughter will follow

Those bouts of laughter from his son is the best feeling in the world to him

Tried to make your son an expert on All Might, but gave up when he came to his conclusion that your son just wasn’t into it.

It was kind of weird at first to find out his son was just simply NOT into heroes, but now he just loves the fact that his son likes what he likes and doesn’t let himself get swayed by others, even his own mom and dad

If you can’t make his little boy, his pride and joy, laugh? Sorry, but don’t talk to Nighteye or his son ever again

He will sit and listen to his little boy go on and on and on and ON about anything and never get bored (or show it). He will sit and listen intently about the cool facts about the bug he found or a plant.

He’d even listen to the longest explanation about a tiny little squiggle on a piece of paper that he drew on if it was being told by his little boy.

Will even put a meeting on hold just to answer a FaceTime from his son from your phone just to listen to him talk about a leaf he made a pressing of....and will sit there with the volume all the way up on his phone too so the others in the room can hear as well.

Will spend all night pinning bugs to a board to frame and label just for your son

Keigo Takami/Hawks

He didn’t even want to date tbh

Though when he met you? The cliche ‘love at first sight’ happened and soon the two of you were married pretty quickly and boy was he a happy man

He didn’t really even want kids either. He just didn’t want to have kids and somehow they end up with a childhood like his that’s not the greatest or most normal, plus he was happy with the little domestic life with you.

But then IT happened. You know, when a mommy and daddy love each other very much and poof, a baby? Yeah....

He was TERRIFIED, but once your first child came into the world, a new sense of happiness sparked within him, like his own eyes opened for the first time to the world

This happened twice more, ending up with his happy family consisting of you, his two boys, and his little girl.

He’s the kind of dad to have his wallet FILLED with pictures of his kids and you. He will shamelessly show them off to fans while on patrol and also to Endeavor....even if he’s seen them a trillion times. Also his office is filled with framed pictures too

He also gets in trouble a lot along with his two boys for playing to rough and loudly within the house by you, especially for flying and being too competitive with video games and ANY activity he would take part in with them.

What can he say? His sons were like the best friends he was never able to have as a kid, he wanted to take in the beauties of having an energetic family

He doesn’t play favorites, but when it comes to his little girl? Sometimes he’ll catch a feeling of her feeling like she’s the odd one out when it comes to her two older brothers and he can relate to that feeling.

So he’ll set aside some dad and daughter time to do the things she likes, like read, color, and draw

He would even let her do his hair with tiny braids and color pieces of clip in hair and many butterfly clips. Keigo would also then wear it out proudly on patrol and check his reflection MULTIPLE times to make sure everything was in place.

He would then shout to the press and paparazzi that his daughter did his hair, showing it off in the process

When the picture would come out with the headliner ‘Hawks’ New Look Thanks to Daughter’ for the news the next day, the look of pride and awe on your daughters face upon looking at the front cover of the magazines and newspapers at the store you and his family would shop at would absolutely melt his heart melt

He’s the first one to pull back the covers to let his children climb in when scared by a thunderstorm or the spooky shadow in their room even if they may be getting ‘too old’ to be doing that...according to Endeavor however, so that information might be wrong

Bribes his kids not to tell you that he entered the house through the window and not the front door

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thankskenpenders · 4 years

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And so that’s it... nearly 200 issues deep, we’re done with the contributions of original writer Michael Gallagher. I’ve been asked in the past about the possibility of writing an article going over Gallagher’s run, like what I did with Penders. And I might still do that. But for now, here’s a shorter postmortem summarizing my feelings on the work of the original writer for history’s longest-running video game comic

I think it’s easy to look back on Gallagher’s silly old stories with a lot of nostalgia, especially after seeing what the series would become in its Dark Age. I can’t blame anyone who feels this way. I feel that way sometimes, too. It was a simpler time, with short, self-contained stories and a ton of puns, and it was a lot more easily digestible than a lot of the teen melodrama and half-baked sci-fi that followed. But the thing is... that doesn’t mean that Gallagher’s writing was good

Gallagher was always an odd fit for Sonic. I can’t really blame the man for introducing lame concepts like Cal and Al that didn’t fit in with Sonic early on because it’s not like he had much to work with in the early days. The guy was expected to write a monthly comic series based on a couple 16-bit platformers with very little story and some snippets from a cartoon that wasn’t out yet. He also had no way of knowing that his work here would lay the foundation for the longest video game comic ever made. I don’t envy his job. Of course he’d do a goofball story where Sonic travels back to caveman times. It’s not like he had much else to do

But as the series progressed and the cartoons and games gave the comic writers more material to work with, Gallagher didn’t really play along. He gave us a few solid, fun stories like Mecha Madness, but for the most part he was off in his own world, trying to sell us on shoehorned characters like the Forty Fathom Freedom Fighters or the Downunda Freedom Fighters who existed almost exclusively to deliver new flavors of lame pun. One time he even worked with Jim Valentino to make a naval-gazing parody of classic Guardians of the Galaxy so they could make lame puns about a comic they used to write (that very few children in 2001 reading Archie Sonic would be familiar with)

People generally pinpoint Penders as the guy who became obsessed with his own pet characters over the main cast as time went on, but really, Gallagher was just as guilty. And honestly, sometimes Gallagher doing it bugged me more. At least Penders had some prominent characters people actually liked, like Elias, Lara-Su, and Julie-Su, as well as some semblance of an overarching plot to work with. Meanwhile Gallagher was over here trying desperately to get people to care about a group of characters he had created exclusively as a vehicle for trite Australia jokes

Gallagher did introduce a few characters who stuck around, but he doesn’t really deserve much of the credit for that. Most notable would probably be Fiona Fox, who would become a major recurring character under later writers... except Gallagher only really invented her robotic doppelganger that Robotnik tricked Tails into falling in love with that one time. He created Knuckles’ grandfather Athair, the one comic character to somehow make it into a cartoon, but Penders helped out with that lore and did more with the character, meaning most people just assume he’s another Penders echidna. He created Tails’ parents, but Karl and Ian were the ones who actually did stuff with them. And he created the Ancient Walkers, who were kind of neat at first but quickly devolved into a tired plot device, only to be killed off by Ian almost immediately to cut down on the deus ex machinas. If you look at the list of characters Gallagher created, it’s mostly just randos he created for the sake of puns

And that’s really what most of it comes down to. Lame puns. I’m totally down for Sonic stories that go for a silly tone. I love Sonic Boom as much as the next fan, and I’ve been having a blast with the extremely goofy Sonic X comics. I’m not a cartoon snob who won’t watch a show that doesn’t have action and drama and lore, I’m out here watching shows like Apple & Onion. But while Gallagher could write good jokes sometimes, he mostly relied on groanworthy newspaper strip-level puns. (I guess it’s fitting, considering he’s related to both the guy who created Heathcliff AND his successor who makes those comics about the Garbage Ape.) I love me a good pun from time to time, and a lot of Gallagher’s are funnier when shared out of context, but when a story is just wall to wall puns it becomes agonizing. Puns should be a spice, not a main ingredient. And when Gallagher got a chance to follow an ACTUAL newspaper comic strip format in the Off Panel, he fared even worse. It was so rare for the Off Panels he wrote to actually be any funny

He WAS genuinely funny at times, though. I’ll give him credit for that. I don’t want it to seem like I hated ALL of his stories. (He did impress me with at least one political joke that’s sadly still relevant today, and in hindsight there’s something really funny on a meta level about the dark and gritty return of Cal and Al.) I think his best work came when he was paired with better artists. Scott Shaw’s more energetic Sonics really helped sell the cartoony comedy in the original miniseries, and obviously Spaziante’s work on Mecha Madness made that story legendary. When he was stuck with the less exciting Manak or Mawhinney, though, not so much

Beyond the puns, there was also this undercurrent of nastiness, meanness, and general grossness in his stories that I don’t see as many fans pick up on. This was mainly evident in the many odd decisions he made with the female cast

We had his take on Sally, who was treated as little more than Sonic’s annoying, moody, bossy girlfriend who bickered with him, sat on a big throne, and occasionally got to be a damsel in distress. He added Bunnie to the cast early on, but it felt like he didn’t have many ideas for what to do with her except make her the butt of jokes about her being a southern belle, including literally making her say “the South shall rise again!” We had Barby Koala’s extremely creepy flirting with Tails, who was half her age. We had that tone deaf Off-Panel joke about turning the special dedicated to the female readers into a swimsuit special (which isn’t far off from what everyone else actually did). And we also had that baffling story where Dulcy killed her mother. I have NO idea what the fuck he thought he was going for with that one.

It wasn’t just the girls, though--Antoine was somehow even more of a punching bag in Gallagher’s early stories than he was on SatAM. At least in the cartoon Sonic was responding to Antoine’s’ massive ego when he poked fun at him. In the early comics, Sonic would constantly rag on Antoine at any opportunity he got. It was VERY distracting in the early issues, and it made his Sonic come off as way more of a jerk

Later writers would often talk about needing to fix certain characters. Penders, for all his countless insufferable faults, used his early stories to steer Sally towards the version of the character fans knew from SatAM. (He then ruined Sally in his own special way, but, you know.) Just about every writer who touched him spent years and years trying to fix Antoine and make readers stop hating him. The unspoken part here is that the original incarnations of these characters that everyone had to work so hard to fix... were Gallagher’s

Again, Gallagher didn’t have an easy job as the first writer on this series, and most of his stories were... fine. Nothing I’d recommend to non-fans, but they had their moments. They make for an amusing read for their sheer absurdity. But a lot of it ranged from not very good to outright bad. We’ll always cut him some slack for having so little to work off of when he started and for writing stories that were, in hindsight, better (or at least less grating) than a lot of the melodramatic schlock that came later. I’ll always have some nostalgia for those simpler times. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that Gallagher’s stuff was ever all that good

But I can’t hate the guy too much, because he gave me the greatest Sonic character of all time

#StH 185 #tkp post

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ryleeee · 3 years

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Let's end the stigma surrounding mental health facilities, shall we? I'm going to provide a comprehensive list of all the things that happened whilst I was an inpatient at a childs mental health facility.

1. They allowed me into the kitchen, and encouraged me to bake for the rest of the kids staying there. I made chocolate chip cookies and a cookie pie and brownies and they even allowed me to try making my grandmas crepe recipe, which I taught the staff.

2. They had weekly events to keep things interesting! Sometimes people brought in therapy dogs or we went to a little movie area with the residents outside of our personal building, and we took trips to an on campus secondhand bookstore where we didnt even have to pay for our books (I still have the books I got from there!).

3. One of the staff members was assigned to drive me to my actual elementary school during the day, where we'd hang out in the library in order to expose me to going back to my school. We made a pact that if anyone asked, she was my cousin.

4. We played so many cards. I rock at uno.

5. I was having a tough time, and I was crying on a bench in the hallway and talking to a staff member. This little boy who I had befriended previously comes out of his room dragging his beds comforter behind him, and he says, "you can wipe your tears on this if you want." When I tell y'all I have never loved humanity more.

6. We had a little girl in residence who constantly asked me to watch barbie movies with her. We'd sit in the living room area, and watched the movies, and I can still confess I have no idea what happened in those movies.

7. We played a lot of just dance. I sucked.

8. We were having dessert one night and one of the staff members asks me what I want on my Sunday. So I, like the smart-ass I am, ask for just a bowl of whipped cream. And this madlad comes over to me a minute later with a bowl of whipped cream, not a dollop, I'm talking it swirls up and out of the bowl, and I laugh and shove my face into it like the civilized individual I am.

9. When I first arrived at the institution, there was an episode with one of the older girls, she was having a violent moment and we were all safely locked out of harms way (when I say locked, I mean locked in the kitchen and living room areas, not in a closet. Every door at this place had locks). At lunch the next day, I was alone at the table with the same girl, and she called me cute and then we ate happily in silence.

10. They just straight up forgot me one day. We had a daily quiet time, where every resident was locked in their own rooms so that they could have time to themselves, read or listen to music, etc etc. The staff are supposed to come after the hour was up and let everybody out, and they did. Everyone except me. I heard them unlocking the other doors and conversing through the walls, and I just sat twiddling my thumbs. And then maybe ten minutes later, a staff member opens up my door and goes, "sorry, we forgot about you. You're just always so quiet." I still laugh about it today, what an on brand thing to happen to me.

11. They had one computer in our residence (there were plenty more at the school though) and you had to be supervised when you used it. So I got on one day, and I'm wondering what I should do, so I boot up some madlibs. And people flocked, let me tell you, half the residents were crowded around this computer shouting out adjectives and nouns and cracking up. It wasn't even that funny, but I remember laughing so much it hurt because there were so many people there laughing too.

12. I was having a rough time, and I was moping in the halls like a long forgotten ghost, and one of the staff comes over and asks what's wrong. More specifically, she says, "you know how I know somethings wrong? You always hang your head when you're struggling." So I vent a little about my depression, and how I feel like nobody cares about me, and how all the staff don't really care, they're just paid to attend to us, and she actually laughs and says, "do you think I'd go through years of advanced schooling to do something I don't care about? I'd come here and work these long hours to do something I didn't actually care about? We all care about you." And when I tell you I soBBED.

13. I became instant friends with this girl my age, although she was slightly older than me. And we were hanging out in one of the rooms, surrounded by bins of toys made for children much younger than us, and we looked at each other, and went, "yeah, absolutely, we're going to revert back to being toddlers." So we each grab a barbie, and we're entirely unironically playing with them, creating soap opera level plotlines with dramatic flourishes and hair flips (the hair flips, y'all, it cracked us up). We did this for hours.

14. Once we had entirely analyzed every DVD they had on hand there, the staff allowed us to take a trip to one of the other resident buildings to steal some other movies. I went with another girl and one of the staff members, and we knocked on the door and waltzed into an all boys residence, passed a few guys playing video games, chatted with a few of them, and then raided their DVD stash. And then we went back with our spoils after a completely undramatic adventure.

15. When plans for me leaving fell through, there was an awkward period where I'd go home for the nights, but my parents would drive me back in the daytime. So obviously, my room was passed on to another resident, and they were at full capacity. So for those quiet time locked in your room to chill moments, they just sat me down in the living room with a whole ass TV and just let me go wild. I didn't go wild, but I could've, yknow? I had a whole ass TV!!

These places aren't perfect. There are harmful ones, there are these institutions done incorrectly all across the globe. But they're not scary when they're done right, and neither are the people in them. They're places for healing, for help, for support. Those aren't things that you need to be scared of.

It wasn't a shameful experience. It was a time I remember fondly, I've gathered so many fun memories from that place, because the people in those establishments were warm and lively and worthy, both staff and patients.

#mental health #mental heath awareness #mental heath support #mental facilities #mental health stigma #mental hospital #mental institution #stigma

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sapereaude-habemut · 4 years

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It is confusing.

You were born only two years and four months after I was. I do not remember life without you. Our brother was born only fifteen months after that. I barely remember life without him either.

I had very little time to have “girl” toys. By the time I was four I was sharing a room in a tiny house with my two little brothers. The “girliest” toys I had were horse figurines--but before you two started getting superhero action figures and little green army men, you had animal toys too, so what’s the difference? Even when I got Barbies and dolls, they would play in the same world as your amy men, they would also fight and explore, because I always played with you two. Most of our time was spent outside though. Our house was so tiny, our backyard so big. We rode bikes, we dug in the mud, we built little houses out of sticks and rocks. We played our imaginary game, where we were knights on a quest, explorers of a new world, we fought with sticks, we got dirty, scraped our knees. My upbringing was far more stereotypically “boyish” than “girlish.” Except for, well, everything aside from that.

I watched you and our other brother pee on trees in the backyard, our parents would laugh as you freely, laughingly had contests to see whose pee stream could reach higher. It was “cute” it was “funny.” It was something men did. Meanwhile, for me, using the bathroom was secretive, it was hidden. It was something never talked about. Vagina was a word uttered only in whispers.

I grew up watching you and our brother run around without shirts on, in our backyard, in our house on snowdays when we came inside to hot chocolate so you would not stain your shirts. At the beach, the pool, family and neighborhood barbecues--freely, without a second thought. Everyone accepted it. Meanwhile, I had been taught that it was inappropriate for a girl to not wear her shirt around other people at such a young age that I do not have a memory of thinking it was okay. At such a young age I could not yet understand WHY it was not okay. For my entire living memory, I have just known my torso was something that had to be hidden, to be ashamed of.

Long before I had anything on my body that could make not wearing a shirt, or certain clothes “inappropriate,” I was chastised if I tried to leave the house in a shirt or pants too tight, a skirt or shorts too short, the neckline too low--anything really. My body, for my whole life, has always been something I just knew had to be hidden. While you and our brother ran around freely, peeing on trees, without shirts on, like it was the most natural thing in the world.

I changed diapers. So many diapers. When our brother was born and I was only four, I was taught to change his diapers. I changed so many of our sisters’ diapers. You changed none. I was always the mother's helper, I was expected to be. I changed the diapers, I babysat for the first time at eleven years old, over you, our other brother, and both our sisters, one of whom was a new born. I was the eldest sister, I was a woman, I was mother’s helper. It was expected. I continued to babysit until I left for college, despite the fact that you and our brother were far older than I was when I first began watching all of you. I would cancel plans and miss out when I was seventeen in highschool to “babysit”--while you, fifteen years old, got to sit around, play video games, watch television, read. When our mother was sad, tired, overwhelmed, busy--I cooked dinner, I set the table, I cleaned up dinner and loaded the dishwasher. I bathed our sisters, and sang them to sleep. You and our brother were never asked to do anything. You were never expected to do anything. It was all woman’s work.

On the holidays, I was always sent to the kitchen to “help the other women”--to help our mother, grandmother, and aunts, cook, bring out dishes, set the tables, and clean up. As the men in the family at around the table, or on couches, laughing and talking, and you and our brother played, or when you got older, joined in on the laughing and talking. I served you. I cleaned up after you. Because I am a woman.

I grew up watching you and our brother be “gross”, get dirty, play rough. Sit however you wanted. But when I joined in, when I got dirty, when I shoved one of you too hard, when I sat, somehow, incorrectly, I was scolded and told it was not “lady-like.”

My whole high school career our relatives unceasingly asked me when I would bring a boyfriend home. Despite the fact that I was a three season varsity athlete, the captain of the track team my junior and senior years, despite the fact that I was top of my class, despite the fact that I took every AP exam I could, passed nearly all of them with perfect 5′s, was going to college on a scholarship with nearly a full semester of college credits. You and our other brother got commended for being smart, but if you acted up, it was brushed off with my grandpa, our uncles saying “ah well, you take after me--boys will be boys.” You were never asked about bringing a girl home. But if you brought it up, you got a pat on the shoulder and an “atta boy.”

My whole upbringing was being forced to grow up too quickly to help cook for everyone, help clean up after everyone, do everyone’s laundry, take care of all of you. While you got to play. My whole upbringing was being taught to hide my body, that it was somehow inappropriate, shameful. While you got to run about freely, your bodies unencumbered by shame.

When I was fifteen, a grown man told me I had “child-bearing hips.” Horrified, I told my mother, and she just said sadly, but shruggingly, “You get that from my side.” When I was sixteen, playing volleyball, a senior from another school said he would like to “pipe” me. I have been grabbed, jeered at, sexually assaulted. At a family barbecue the summer after my freshman year of college, an older male relative who had not seen me since I was a child said “damn she’s an Amazon” as I tried to toss around the football with you and our other brother. I was uncomfortable. I have always had to deal with being uncomfortable. You never felt as though you did not have ownership over your body, as though your own body endangered you. As though your flesh somehow made you more vulnerable, but also more shameful, weaker, but giving me these great burdens of “womanhood.”

And it was not even like, as our mother tries to argue, that maybe this is why you were so adverse to sports, why it was so burdensome to have expectations of athleticism on you. I was more athletic than both you and our brother, I played more sports than both of you, I was better at more sports than both of you, I enjoyed sports more than both of you. One of our sisters is also far more athletic than both of you.

It also was not, as our mother also tries to say, our father’s hyper-traditional ideals of masculinity and feminity that drove you to this, or made you hide it. Because I was not always feminine. I worked mucking stalls, doing manual labor all summer. I more often than not wore athletic clothes, rarely wore makeup. Both me and our sister went through long “tomboy” stages, where we wore clothes from the boy’s department. Where we cut our hair short. We were permitted to do that. Our brother, our athletic, funny, “ladies’ man” of a brother, loves fashion. He loves to style outfits, to wear brightly colored or pastel floral button down shirts, pair them with patterned ties, he loves well fitted pants, fancy shoes, likes to make sure his socks go with his outfit, but also “pop” so when he sits and his pants reveal them, they are stylish too. He likes to wear his hair longer so he can style it. He was permitted to do that. He wears pink ties, he wears cologne, he cares about his skin. Our father and grandfather may joke, but in a good-natured way saying “well he’s never had trouble with the ladies, so maybe *we’re* doing something wrong.” It was not that.

So what was it? When you tell me you could not imagine not transitioning, not being a woman? What do you mean? What is this woman you speak of?

The first time I saw you after you announced you were transitioning, you were wearing a black choker, and off the shoulder top revealing a pink strappy sports bra, your nails were painted black. Is that what you think it means to “feel” more like a woman? Painted nails, trashy jewelry, and cutesy flashes of undergarments? Is it breasts? What is it?

This is not the womanness I was burdened with.

You received every single privilege of being a male in a very traditional, Catholic, Italian family. You never tried to take on any of the burdens I was forced to bear because it was my “role as a woman.” You took advantage of all of it. Your entire life.

#radfem #gender critical #gendercrit #feminism

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lovemesomesurveys · 4 years

Text

“I’m going to stand on the ground like a skyscraper”

Is there a necklace that you wear all the time? No. I haven’t worn a necklace in years. How often do you wear skirts? Never. Do you enjoy baking? I used to, especially during the holidays. I haven’t done any baking the past few years, though. Do you have a large kitchen? No, it’s really small. Is anything sore on your body at the moment? Of course.

Do you like 3D movies? No. Where were you 3 hours ago? Sitting right here on my bed. Have you ever heard of Hot Chelle Rae? Yeah. I liked a couple of their songs. Do you know where Poland is? I know it’s in Europe. Are you afraid of dying? Yes. Are you wearing socks right now? Always. Do you speak your mind? I keep a lot to myself. If you found a wounded bird, what would you do? I honestly don’t know. I’ve never encountered a wounded bird. Ever rode on an elephant? No. Have you ever had braces? Yes, but not for my teeth.

“Cause I finally realize that I can’t get you off my mind”

Have you ever eaten a crayon? No. Do you like strawberries? Yeah. I haven’t had any in years, though. Wrestling or boxing? Neither. When's the last time you went to the mall? Last December. Have you ever gone Christmas Caroling? I have, actually. A few of us from the psych club I was in at my community college went caroling one year to a few different nursing homes. It was nice, they seemed to enjoy it. What song do you never get tired of? There’s numerous songs that will always be a favorite of mine. Do you have a favorite chef? No. Do you know who Travis Pastrana is? Yeah. What song pumps you up and makes you feel good? Hmm. What's bothering you right now? My back and the fact that I don’t feel well.

Favorite flavor of gum? Minty flavors. Does your school have air conditioning? How many mirrors do you have in your home? 5 that I know of for sure. That doesn’t include handheld mirrors, though. What does your wrapping paper look like for presents this year? I haven’t bought any, yet. Do you like Jay-Z? I’ve only liked a couple of his songs. However, the Linkin Park and Jay-Z collab album was/is dope.

“we’re gonna party like it’s your birthday”

What time was it 14 hours ago? 5:30PM. What's the craizest thing that happens in your hometown? Uh, high crime rates. :X Have any of your friends ever stabbed you in the back? Yes. What's your favorite city? Beachy, touristy cities throughout California. Have you ever laid on a hammock? I think I have as a kid. Who's the most famous person you met? Jamie Lee Curtis. Have you ever had a boyfriend/girlfriend stolen from you? No. Where do you want to live someday? Near the beach. I’d love to have a beach home one day. Do you like your eyes? I wish I had blue or green eyes instead. Do you wear a watch? Nope. Do you like peanut butter? Yes. Do you tan easily? If I spend a day at the beach I’ll sunburn and then it turns into a tan. That’s the only time I spend a long period of time outdoors. Do you have sensitive skin? Yes. Do you care if people smoke/drink? Not in general, no. If it becomes a problem then yes. Has anyone ever gives you roses? Nope.

“every little thing that you do, I’m amazed by you”

How many hours of sleep did you get last night? Sigh. I dozed off around 5AM and slept until 7AM and here we are now at 7:53AM. I don’t understandddd. D: I’m going to definitely attempt more sleep, but I have to call my doctor soon. Do you hate it when babies cry? If it’s loud and excessive it gets overwhelming and annoying. Would you like to get snake bites? (the piercing) Not now, but I wanted them back when I was like 16. Would you move to a new state/country to be with the one you love? That’s one of those situations I’d have to be in to know what I’d do. It’s hard for me to even imagine cause I’ve never even been close to that before. It’s also hard for me to imagine ever moving far away from my family. I think I’d try to work something else out to be honest. Like, maybe they wouldn’t mind picking up and moving here? Why would I have to move? What is your name? Stephanie. What do you plan on buying in the future? Christmas presents for my fam soon. Who is your favorite "That '70 Show" character? I don’t have one. I actually watched that show during its original run, but I tried again years later when I was older and couldn’t get into it. There is a mummy behind you. What do you do? Uh, run? What do you think of Miley Cyrus? I like her. Do you tend to think you are always right? Absolutely not. What was your favorite toy as a child? Barbies. I was obsessed. Do you think more about your funeral or wedding? Uh, neither. Dinosaurs or unicorns? Unicorns, I guess. You need new jeans. Where do you go? I haven’t bought a new pair of jeans in years. I’d probably look at JCP first since that’s where I used to get them. I always found the perfect fit there. What do you think about Maroon 5? I like a lot of their music.

“someone pinch me, I must be dreaming again”

Have you ever snuck into an R-rated movie when you weren't old enough? Nah. How many Emily's do you know? I don’t know any. Have you ever slept in a tent outside? No. What's your favorite kind of Girl Scout cookie? I like all of ‘em really except for the coconut ones. Their newer cookie, Lemonades, are quite delicious. What do you hear at the moment? An ASMR video. Why do you think a lot of people left Myspace for Facebook? Facebook became cooler for some reason. I remember not wanting to make the move at all, I thought Facebook was lame lol. I just did it because everyone literally left. I don’t know about everyone else, but when it happened for me it was soon after graduating high school and Facebook was for college students, so I guess we just graduated from Myspace or something. *shrug* It’s crazy how quickly it flip flopped, though. Myspace became lame and now we all kinda laugh about it. Do you watch the Olympics? Nope. Have you ever been to Minnesota? No. What's the strangest thing you've seen on TV? Hmm. What do you miss most about elementary school? I miss being elementary school ages the most, but also school was fun back then. I liked the projects and music class and this thing called field day that we did on the last day of school every year that consisted of like relay games and whatnot. It was fun. Anything funny happen to you while you were at Wendy's? Uhh, no. I very rarely even go to Wendy’s. It’s been awhile. When's the last time you picked up a stick? I have no idea.

How often do you have camp fires? Never. I’d like to do bonfires in the fall.

“honestly, I haven’t been happy for a long time”

How long has your computer been on? Hours. Do you like chips and salsa? I used to love chips and salsa. I can’t eat spicy food anymore, though. :( Do you have any pictures of the guy you like? There’s no such guy at the moment. Ever touched a fish? I don’t think so. Maybe as a kid with my pet fish. When's the last time you uploaded pictures onto Facebook or Myspace? I uploaded a new profile picture last month on Facebook. Do you have any band-aids on right now? Nope. Ever had a blister? Yes. Not fun. Do you watch the show The Hard Times or RJ Berger? No. Have you ever voted for anything? Yeah, for elections and other smaller stuff. Do you like high top shoes? I can’t wear them cause they’re hard for me to get my foot into. Do you think those nerd glasses are cool? What are nerd glasses, exactly?

Do you own any t-shirts of your favorite band/singer? Yes. Have you ever worn a tie? No. Have you ever made dinner for someone? No, cause I don’t cook. Do you only listen to your muisc loud? No. I like to listen to it at a comfortable level. It varies, but never super loud.

“my give a damn’s busted”

Have you ever taken drama class? I actually did take two drama classes in community college. :O Shocking, I know. Have you ever rode a mechanical bull? Nooo. That would be very dangerous for me to do and I’d never even attempt it. Have you ever played on a basketball team? No. Ever stayed in a motel? Yes. What number was your jersey in high school? I didn’t have a jersey, I didn’t play any sports. Have you ever choked on something? Yes. I had one really traumatic experience that changed how I take my medicine ever since. That happened almost 10 years ago now, but ever since I’ve had to crush my pills. When I tried taking pills again not long after it happened, it literally felt like my throat was closing up every time and I was terrified of it getting lodged again. That day was really scary, my dad literally almost had to put his finger down my throat. Do you wear a belt? Nope, I only ever wear leggings. I’ve actually never worn a belt before, though. Do you have a rug in your room? No. Do you go camping during the summer? Nope. I have no interest at all in doing that. Do you carry a purse everywhere you go? Not anymore, but I used to. In most recent years it was a mini backpack. Where's your favorite place to get coffee? Honestly, I’m a basic bitch and just go to Starbucks, ha. It’s nearby and convenient and yeah. Plus, people hate on it but I actually like it. *shrug* I get really into it when they come out with their winter drinks, like they have now. I wish we had a Tim Hortons so I can see what that hype is all about. What's the last time you searched on Google? When’s the last time I searched on Google? Earlier. Which of these singers have the best voice: Katy Perry or Usher? I think they both sing well. They’re very different, you can’t really compare. What food is your weakness? Boneless garlic parm and lemon pepper wings from Wingstop. How many unread emails do you have right now? I don’t feel like checking at the moment.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

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violetsmoak · 5 years

Text

Pieces of April [11/?]

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21099044/chapters/50202530

Summary: On the anniversary of his death, Jason’s second life takes an abrupt new turn and he’s faced with a challenge that neither Batman nor the All-Caste prepared him for.

Rating: PG-13 (rating may change later)

Warning(s): Past Jason/Isabel, kidfic, minor canon character death (pretty sure you can guess who), I’ll add more warnings/tags as I think of them.

Canon-Compliance: Takes place in between the two RHATO series, so after Roy and Kori and before Artemis and Bizarro. Jason and Isabel Ardila

First Chapter

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As expected, Jason doesn’t sleep that night.

His eyes remain trained on the ceiling of the guestroom while his subconscious drags him along a tilt-a-whirl of anxious and circular thoughts. He can barely process what they are with how fast they manifest and vanish again to be replaced with new ones. And before he’s really aware of it, the sun is streaming through the window that he forgot to pull the shades over, and he hears movement outside the room.

Figuring he might as well get up, he heaves himself out of bed and ambles down the stairs, skirting the piles of baby supplies he somehow forgot about while drowning in his night of circular thinking.

Tim is standing in his kitchen doing up his tie, nodding and humming with a frown on his face. Jason’s about to ask until he notices the hands-free earpiece in one ear. That could be either for work or to cover the Bat-issue comm; he probably has the latter plugged in permanently the same way Bruce does.

Tim notices him, and his mouth quirks upward in a not-quite smile of greeting.

“I’ll be in shortly, Lucius,” he says distantly. “We can discuss it before the meeting.” He taps the earpiece, hanging up, and then addresses Jason. “Good morning. You look like shit.”

“It’s the ‘I-didn't-sleep’ chic, which you should recognize since you invented it.”

“You’re just jealous you can’t make it look as good as I can,” Tim quips, and maybe if Jason were well-rested, he’d have a better retort for that. Instead, he narrows his eyes to study the younger man.

Tim Drake is polished and put-together, the epitome of perfect Wayne heir. Damian might throw around the words ‘blood son’ at every opportunity, and Dickie might be the first and favorite son, but Tim’s the one actually carrying on the Wayne legacy. From what Jason’s heard, he does it better than Bruce ever did.

Goddamn workaholic. And that suit probably costs more than rent for one of my legal apartments.

“I’m heading out,” Tim announces needlessly, taking a sip of what must be coffee from a travel mug. “I’ll try to get home before four o’clock, but it really depends on how much work Lucius decides to pile on while I’m still in town.”

“Because it sure as hell won’t get done if B is the only one around,” Jason agrees, earning a sharp grin in reply.

“Exactly.”

And there’s the cocky little bastard Jason’s been waiting to re-emerge after a day of being hidden by the scarily competent functioning adult façade.

“Feel free to stick around here and play the game system or raid the fridge or whatever. It’s up to you. The security system’s biometric, but I can give you an override code—” Noticing Jason’s disgusted and somewhat insulted look, he huffs, “Or not. Whatever. You’ll figure it out.”

He leaves without saying anything else, and suddenly Jason is well and truly alone for the first time since waking up on the anniversary of his death with his only thought being to get black-out drunk.

Funny how much twenty-four hours can change.

Except it’s really not.

Jason doesn’t want to spend another day thinking over all of his problems and the infinite possibilities of how the situation can become even more screwed up or confusing, so he busies himself with breaking into Tim’s hideout.

That occupies him for a little while, figuring out the security codes to the false wall and then to the locks on his computer system. He spends the morning wandering around, getting to know the frankly sweet set-up of the place, testing out the training room and looking under the hood of the cars in the garage.

Wonder if Timbers would help me outfit my bunker.

He’s been squatting in an old subbasement beneath GCPD headquarters for a few weeks now; the place was cut off from the main building during the Cataclysm a few years back and for whatever reason, everyone seems to believe it was caved in beyond repair.

Jason’s cleaned the place out and set up his own operation, but it doesn’t have the tech or necessities of an actual Cave. Which, frankly, isn’t fair, since everyone else has their own Batman-free getaway to hide in when the old man gets in one of his moods. Hell, even the new kid has a place beneath the Fox center.

As soon as the thought enters his mind, Jason scowls.

What the hell am I thinking?

None of this is even going to matter for a while anyway, now that he’s about to be benched. Might as well say goodbye to the state-of-the-art vigilante tech now and spare himself the disappointment.

He leaves the Nest (was Drake born without the ability to be original or something?) and returns to the living area, examining the place with a more critical eye this time around.

He still ignores looking at the pile of baby supplies.

Jason’s first impression the day before was of a barely lived in space, meant to show any would-be-intruders how a normal local celebrity might live. He learns he was only half-right when he spies smaller, more personal touches in the décor as he wanders through the house. There are photographs arranged along most of the walls, which on first glance he assumed were the kind you picked up at Ikea to make a place look classy, but he realizes as he studies the black-and-white images that they are shots of various locations in Gotham.

Locations a normal person can’t actually get to.

Which means Tim must have taken them himself; it’s just innocuous enough that a regular visitor would only admire the clarity of the shot. To someone like Jason, it’s impressive for completely different reasons; not least of all the danger inherent in achieving just that right angle. Two pictures he knows could only have been taken by hanging one-handed off a Gotham Trade Centre gargoyle.

The whole thing says more about Tim’s personality than any human detritus or strewn personal belongings could.

Though he does have those, too.

The shelf beside the television has a copy of what might be every video game known to man, across three different platforms. The study is filled with vintage board games and robot figurines and piles of tech magazines. Everything is scary neat—the professional, unnatural Stepford kind of neat that speaks of someone paid to clean it—with the exception of Tim’s bedroom. Jason pokes his head in there for like a second before shuddering and walking away from it.

How has Alfred not murdered you yet, kid?

Back downstairs, he studies the faux mantle above the electric fireplace where he sees artfully placed personal pictures of other recognizable personages. Tim with his Kryptonian and speedster friends, then him along with his generation of Titans. There’s one of him as a child with two people Jason assumes are his parents at a high society event of some sort, as well as a wedding photo of him much older; the man beside him is the same, but the woman in the veil is different. Stepmother, probably.

Jason pauses to smirk at the one of Tim and Dick on a beach somewhere, both ridiculously sunburned; it’s in the same folding frame as one with them both sitting beside Bruce on a beach chair. The older man is asleep, or at least pretending very well, and they’ve used sunscreen to write ‘I hate this place’ on his chest. Alfred obviously took that one.

The family butler is in the next image, standing beside the entry stairway of the manor with a thoughtful expression on his face. It’s so clearly staged to seem as distinguished as possible.

Guess Alf never did get over his dislike of having candid pictures of him taken.

Moving on, there’s a four-strip photo of Tim and Blondie stuck in the frame of a larger one with all three Batgirls past and present in what he supposes is Barbie’s apartment, with them trying to show Cass how to make a duck face. Beside it, one of Tim and the Thomas kid arguing over what looks to be a disemboweled computer; judging by the thumb shape in the corner it was taken sneakily and probably by Dick. Hell, there’s even one of the demon brat there, conked out on a couch in Bruce’s study with a black and white cat curled up on his chest.

Family’s all here, he thinks with a grim sort of humor. All except yours truly.

He’s not sure if he would have expected different, given his and Tim’s relationship. They might partner on occasion, and he works better with Tim than any of the other Bats he sometimes teams up with, but it’s not like they’re actually close. He doesn’t go out of his way to spend time with him outside of the mask, and then there’s a chasm of tense history between them.

He’d actually be surprised if—

Something catches his eye as he turns away from the fireplace, if only because next to all the gleaming frames its’ ordinariness makes it stick out. There’s a faded paper propped up against the wall behind a decorative clock, and when Jason reaches to pick it up and examine it, he finds himself staring down at his own grinning face.

Sort of.

It’s him from years ago.

The Jason Todd before Bruce stopped trusting him; before finding out his entire life had been a lie and before the Joker destroyed him. And it’s not so much a picture as a clipping from a newspaper.

Little Jason grins up at the photographer, missing his right canine and the same side of his face slightly puffy. Jason vaguely remembers the fight with Two-Face the night before, faster than he recalls sitting for this photo. He’s wearing a school uniform, can now recall the harried little man asking if he was sure he didn’t want to wait for picture retakes so they could get a picture when his face wasn’t bruised (“Bruce tried to teach me to ride a horse. They need to make those things closer to the ground!”) and him refusing because he earned these colors, thanks very much—

Jason can’t figure out how this photo ended up in a newspaper, though; the only pictures of him still extant in public are the ones they drag up on television every few years when Bruce does some bit of charity for orphans. Reminders of the poor dead orphan.

But this one—no, now he remembers.

This was the photo the press used during the custody case when Bruce was publicly battling Natalia Knight for guardianship of Jason. It’s not a copy, printed off the internet or digitally finished as a photograph. There’s yellowing around the edges and the paper quality is thin and grainy the way an actual newspaper is when it ages.

But why the hell does Tim have this?

He’s been back from the dead for years now, and with the Bat propensity for stalking and surveillance footage, if Tim wanted a photo of him, he could certainly have gotten all manner of material. Why this one? And why include it here at all, if it’s hidden away behind the others like a dirty secret?

The whole thing is vastly unsettling, and as he remembers Tim’s words from yesterday—

“We’re too complicated to be family. But we are Robins. And in a lot of ways, I think that’s stronger than us being part of the Family.”

—his chest starts to experience that vicelike pressure he’s been having on and off since learning about Isabel and the baby.

He’s struck by the very pressing need to get out of here.

Fleeing the apartment for the hidden Nest once more, Jason finds the exit protocols and manual overrides for Tim’s system, then borrows one of the bikes in the garage area. Tim did say he was free to do ‘whatever’ and though Jason doubts that includes absconding with his wheels, he doesn’t entirely care. He doesn’t even bother looking for the tracking beacons he knows are hidden on them.

He’s not running away, he’s just…clearing his head.

Or clearing it as well as anyone can while navigating the construction and traffic-infested roads of Gotham.

An open highway would be the most ideal way for him to lose himself and avoid his complicated feelings, but he supposes that option has its own dangers. Like just driving straight to California and pretending the past day has been nothing but a bad dream.

Instead, the constant roadblocks and detours Jason’s forced to take through the corners of the city jog his brain back into thinking. Back into reasoning and solving problems and improvising like he usually does.

First of all, he needs to stop letting Tim do everything for him.

Jason is capable—has survived on his own his whole life; it’s time to get his shit together. And to do that, he has to find someone who can take care of the baby.

His daughter.

He needs to get used to saying it, whether he stays in her life or not.

Jason isn’t entirely sure what he’s looking for in terms of the plans Tim suggested to him the night before. There’s merit to all the ideas, but he’s stuck between getting her out of Gotham or finding someone here who knew Isabel.

Or at least someone who knew she was expecting a kid. Any kind of connection to her mother would be better than nothing.

In theory.

Jason’s pretty sure that it’s a rare kid—himself included—who would have been better off without knowing anything about their birth mother. But Isabel is not Sheila, and the situation isn’t anything like that one.

He’s not even sure where to start looking for potential guardians.

Though Isabel’s friend Safiya said she would be looking into it, it’s once again putting Jason in the position of letting others deal with the consequences of his own actions. If only he knew more about what frame of mind Isabel was in before all this started…

Jason didn’t live with the world’s greatest detective for three years of his life without learning how to build a profile on someone. And the best starting point for that is where she spent most of her time.

He pulls over in the parking lot of a Bat Burger to unlock the fancy computer hidden within the bike’s dash (obviously one of Tim’s own design) and linking to the Bat-network’s backdoor to Gotham General’s patient records. Then it’s a simple search to bring up Isabel’s personal information, including her latest address.

Turns out she moved a lot closer to Gotham General than she was before; as he revs the motor and takes off again, Jason wonders if that was pre-emptive.

Isabel’s place is on the edge of Midtown, where the business district turns residential. The condominium itself seems well taken care of, especially in contrast to the fixer-uppers Jason’s used to in his own neighborhood, but in Gotham, that means next to nothing.

Though clearly Isabel’s been doing well if she’s able to afford a place here.

He’s not entirely sure what the average flight attendant’s salary is, but maybe she was just good with money.

Her apartment is on the highest floor of the apartment building, reachable by the fire escape. He scowls a bit at the idea that just anyone could get in here if they so choose, and if she thinks that’s a good enough deterrent than—

Jason has to stop and shake his head and remind himself that Isabel is gone. She’ll never have to worry about break-ins again.

Swallowing the lump in his throat, he jimmy’s open the window and slips through.

⁂⁂⁂

Your feedback matters! I want to know what you think of my story, so feel free to leave kudos, a comment or as many of these emojis as you want and let me know how you feel!

❤️️ = I love this story! 😳 = this was hot! 💐 = thank you for sharing this 🍵 = tea spilled 🍬 = so sweet and fluffy! 🚔 = you’re under arrest! the writing’s too good! 😲 = I NEED THE NEXT CHAPTER 😢 = you got me right in the feels 🤯mind blown 🤬god damn cliffhanger 😫 whyyyyyyy?!?!?

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Next Chapter

#jaytim #jaytim fanfiction #jason todd #tim drake #babyfic #accidental baby acquisition #enemies to lovers #slow build #slow burn #coping with big news

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noona-clock · 6 years

Text

I’ll Be Fine - Part 6

Genre: College!AU/Fluff

Pairing: Jae x You

By Admin B

Part 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, The Great Cookie Bake-Off

“What are you-- ?!” you whispered, lifting your head and watching as he quickly but silently made his way over to your bed.

“I thought it would just be easier if we could actually talk instead of typing everything out,” he explained, lifting up the covers on the unoccupied side of your bed and sliding in underneath.

“That --” Oh, god, Jae was now in your bed.

You had been about to say ‘That doesn’t make sense because actual talking makes noise and typing doesn’t,’ but the fact Jae was now lying in your bed next to you kind of turned your brain into mush.

“What’s up?” he murmured, turning to face you. “Are you too anxious to sleep?”

You blinked at him for a few moments, trying to wrap your head around this whole situation... but then you settled back down, turning on your side to face him right back. Just like the mistletoe kiss at the party, it was happening so you might as well just go for it.

“I don’t know,” you admitted, frowning slightly. “I’ve been trying to go to sleep for over an hour, but I just can’t.”

“Well, you just must not be tired then. We can talk until you’re tired, and I won’t leave until you fall asleep. How’s that?”

Oh, my word. The sweet, tiny little smile on Jae’s lips was enough to melt your heart, and you couldn’t stop yourself from smiling right back at him.

“I mean, you’re already here. I don’t want to be rude.”

Jae chuckled softly before reaching up and taking off his glasses. Instead of turning around to put them on the side table behind him, though, he reached over to put them on the side table behind you.

His warmth and his scent invaded your senses for just a moment, but it was enough to spark a very vivid image in your mind. An image of cuddling with him. His arm holding you tightly, your face buried in his chest, your arms curled up in-between you.

Truthfully, you couldn’t remember a time when you’d wanted to cuddle someone more.

Oh, this was not good.

“Your family seems nice,” he whispered, successfully breaking your thoughts of a major snuggle session. “Nosy but nice.”

“Yeah,” you replied with a somewhat awkward chuckle. Thank god he couldn’t read your mind. “I feel like I built them up to be overbearing and rude, but... they’re really not that bad. I love them, I just... wish they weren’t so hung up on the idea that you have to be in a relationship to be happy, y’know?”

“Yeah, I get it. Some people are just like that,” he pointed out. “Not everyone is as smart you.”

“Shut up,” you laughed softly.

“I’m serious!” he whispered passionately, a huge grin pulling at his lips.

“Well, that’s a first. You’re hardly ever serious about anything,” you teased.

“Ha ha, very funny.” Jae reached under the covers to poke your side, and you swiftly swatted his hand away. “Really, though. Can I be honest about something?”

“Sure,” you replied albeit a bit hesitantly. You were a little nervous about the exact subject of this honesty...

“I’m really glad we did this. This whole fake dating thing.”

“...You are?”

“Yeah. Besides the whole Jamie thing and besides the whole family thing, I feel like... we’ve gotten closer as friends. I’ve gotten to know you better. And I’m really grateful for that.”

Were those butterflies in your stomach? Or maybe they were dragons. It was difficult to tell because your heart was beating so quickly you were having to focus on breathing normally.

“Me, too,” you whispered, somehow managing to sound like you weren’t all that affected by his words.

But, truly, you were grateful.

Before this, Jae had been the Meme Friend. The friend you could count on to go and eat with you any time of the day. The friend who played too many video games.

But now you knew you could trust him with your life. You could count on him for more than just company at meals. You felt comfortable around him (except for when he held your hand underneath dinner tables). You knew you could be yourself around him.

And you knew he would sneak into your room to talk to you if you were having trouble sleeping.

If that wasn’t a good friend, then what was?

Jae beamed over at you, and it almost seemed like he was about to reach up and touch your face. Or scoot over and pull you in for a cuddle-hug.

But, instead, he took a sharp breath in and said, “So, tell me about your favorite Christmas memory.”

Obviously, this was his attempt at tiring you out by talking, so you racked your brain for what you could classify as your favorite Christmas memory.

“Well, I guess it would be this one Christmas when I was in... second grade, I think,” you began.

You went on to detail the story of how you’d wanted a Barbie dreamhouse, but your parents kept telling you it was too expensive, too extravagant, your Barbies were content living in the cottage you’d built out of a cardboard box. You’d written to Santa for it anyway, but come Christmas morning, it wasn’t there. When you’d gone through your stocking, however, you’d pulled out a slip of paper which told you to go up into your playroom. Obviously, you’d raced upstairs and - lo and behold - there was your Barbie dreamhouse.

For years to come, you’d always used that story as an argument that Santa was real (because he is... duh), and you would be lying if you didn’t still believe in a little bit of Christmas magic.

Jae listened to your story intently, a goofy grin on his lips as you went on and on about how much you played with that dreamhouse. It was still the best Christmas present you’d ever received, and you were pretty sure you would remember that Christmas for the rest of your life.

You then asked Jae about his favorite Christmas memory, and it was your turn to listen to him with a goofy grin as he told you about the year he’d gotten a guitar.

“I had no idea you could play,” you said when he’d finished.

“I haven’t in a long time,” he admitted with a tiny shrug. “A few years, honestly.”

“Why did you stop?”

Jae scrunched up his nose as he thought, but then he just shrugged again. “I’m not really sure. I guess... To be honest, I stopped not too long after I started dating Jamie. It’s not like she wanted me to stop, I just... didn’t have time anymore, I guess. I don’t know.”

“You should start playing again. Bring your guitar back to school with you,” you urged.

“Yeah? You think I should?”

“I mean, if you want to. I would love to hear you play.”

“Maybe I will.”

The two of you ended up talking until almost 1am. The last thing you remembered was Jae offering to scratch your back; your blinks had become quite a bit longer than normal, and when he’d asked if you’d like a back scratch, you’d sluggishly turned onto your stomach. The soft, soothing feel of his fingers had lulled you to sleep within minutes.

Your grumbling stomach woke you up the next morning, as it usually did when you slept past the time you normally ate breakfast at school. But the first thing you noticed after opening your eyes wasn’t the fact you were hungry.

It was the fact Jae was still in your bed.

Last night, he’d said he wouldn’t leave until you fell asleep.

Well, apparently, he’d fallen asleep himself before he’d had a chance to leave.

Oh, god, this was awkward.

Actually, it wasn’t that awkward because he was still asleep (looking like an angel, at that). So you got out of bed with painstaking slowness, not wanting to wake him up and actually make things awkward.

You managed to step into your slippers and open the door without rousing him, and when you made it downstairs, you found your dad was making pancakes.

“Morning, sunshine,” your mom greeted as she poured herself a mug of coffee. “Cutie pie is still sleeping?”

“Oh my god, mom,” you murmured, your cheeks warming considerably. You slid into a chair at the kitchen table and promptly broke into a rather large yawn.

Your mom carried her mug over to the table to sit with you, sipping at her beverage before beginning with the third degree. “So, are you two serious?”

“What? I don’t know, mom, it’s been less than a month.”

“Well... why did you bring him home if you’re not serious?”

Your brow immediately furrowed and you looked at your mom with an absolute ‘WTF’ expression. “Really? Do you not remember Thanksgiving?”

“Thanksgiving?” your mom repeated, utterly confused. “What on earth are you talking about?”

“You don’t remember how often you and everyone else in this family asked me if I had a boyfriend?”

“Wha --”

“It was the main thing I told all my friends after getting back to school. I barely enjoyed myself because I was too busy dodging questions about why I was still single!”

“Well, honey --” your mom stammered. “We just want you to be happy!”

“I am happy! I mean, I was happy back then, too. I was happy before I met Jae, and I’ll be happy after we break up.”

(Sidenote: Yikes. Why did mentioning your break up with Jae form a small pit in your stomach?)

“I don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy, mom,” you continued, hoping your voice wasn’t loud enough to wake your sleeping fake boyfriend.

“I know that, dear, but... I mean, you can’t deny that you are happy right now. I think you seem happier even. When the right person comes along, your life just changes. Your perspective changes.” She reached out and put a hand over yours, her eyes warm and shining with love. “More than just being happy, I want you to find someone who accepts you for who you are and loves you for who you are. Because that’s such a precious thing, and you deserve that.”

“I’m still so young, though,” you pointed out. “I have plenty of time to find that person.”

“...You haven’t found him already?” your dad piped up, stacking the pancakes he’d been flipping onto a serving plate.

You didn’t answer that for very obvious reasons.

And, thankfully, Jae entered the kitchen just in time. (Though you could hardly make eye contact with him because you were wondering what he’d thought about waking up in your bed...)

After Jae had eaten about ten pancakes (much to your father’s delight since pancakes were his specialty), he announced he had to hit the road fairly soon. You both went upstairs to get ready, and Jae was all packed and set to leave within the hour.

Your parents thanked him for coming, your mom profusely so, giving him hugs and handshakes and inviting him back whenever he wanted to come.

“Y/N doesn’t even have to be here!” your mom chirped. “Just come on over if you’re ever in the area.”

“Mom, that is weird. Please don’t say that,” you pleaded as Jae bit back an amused chuckle.

Your mom simply rolled her eyes as you turned to open the front door and walk Jae out to his car.

“I know I already thanked you for coming,” you said after he threw his overnight bag into the passenger’s seat. “But, seriously. Thank you. Now I’ll only have to deal with questions about you instead of questions about being single.”

“I hope that’s at least a little more preferable,” Jae laughed, reaching up to scratch the back of his neck.

“Much, believe me,” you assured him with a grin. “So, my parents are most likely watching from one of the windows by the door... do you see them?”

You were currently facing away from your house, so Jae had a better view. You watched as his eyes scanned around, and it was very obvious when he spotted them.

“2 o’clock,” he murmured, giving away their position. So, they had almost a side-view of the two of you...

You hadn’t been planning on this, but you suddenly found yourself saying, “Kiss me.”

“Say what now?”

“A goodbye kiss! They don’t know we know they’re watching. If we don’t kiss, they’ll ask why when I get back inside.”

“Right, right, right,” Jae whispered. He stepped up to you, sliding his arms around your shoulders and first pulling you in for a hug.

You wrapped your own arms around his middle, squeezing him tightly and pressing your face into his neck. A soft sigh escaped your lips, though you hoped Jae didn’t really notice because your parents wouldn’t have been able to see or hear you sigh like that, so what excuse would you give if he asked about it?

After spending almost half a minute in this hug, you pulled your head away and moved to place a sweet, tender kiss on his lips.

Four days. It had been four days since you’d last kissed him, but it felt like four decades. It honestly felt like a whole other lifetime because that kiss had been in front of everyone and forced and rushed and awkward.

But this kiss was just the two of you. Kind of. Your parents were watching, yes, but they weren’t actually out here with you, so it felt like just the two of you. It was a kiss on your terms, not because of mistletoe. It was soft and slow and... natural. Even though it wasn’t.

“Safe drive home,” you whispered after your lips left his.

“Yeah,” Jae whispered back. “You, too. ...I mean -- not now. When you drive back to school --”

You let out a soft, whispering giggle before you stepped away from his embrace completely, giving him space to get in his car.

“Merry Christmas,” you called out just before he opened the door to the driver’s side.

“Merry Christmas, Y/N.” He grinned at you one last time before ducking into his car and driving off.

For some reason, you were unable to wipe an incredibly cheesy smile off your lips the whole way back to your front door. In fact, it stayed on there as you went inside, as you trekked up the stairs, as you arrived in your bedroom.

When you flopped onto your bed, it was like the jarring motion of your body hitting the mattress quite literally knocked some sense into you.

Because you realized something which was now so earth-shatteringly obvious but also entirely problematic: you had a crush on your fake boyfriend. A major one.

Your Thanksgiving holiday had been ruined by your family, and now your Christmas holiday had been ruined by your boyfriend.

Your fake boyfriend.

Whom you had fallen for.

You couldn’t believe it.

Truly, you had definitely not planned on this happening.

But… apparently, it was happening. Of course. You wanted your fake relationship with Jae to turn into a real relationship with Jae, and it sucked. Because you couldn’t tell him!

Could you?

...No, of course, you couldn’t. When did confessions like that ever actually go well?

You let out a very long, deep, groaning sigh as you stared up at the ceiling of your dorm room, lying on your back on your bed. It seemed this was the position you were meant to be in after arriving back home from a holiday break.

You’d come back about a day earlier than most people, including your roommate, mainly because you’d wanted some time to yourself. Time to think. Time to try and unlike Jae.

The melodic sound of your ringtone cut through the air suddenly, and you jumped a little before reaching over to pick up your phone.

...Oh, great. It was him.

You answered it anyway, pressing your phone to your ear and hoping you would sound normal and not like you had a stupidly major crush on him.

“Hey.”

Okay, good. That was pretty normal.

“Hey, you,” Jae replied.

Oh, geez. Why? Why the ‘you’?! Why ‘hey, you’ and not just ‘hey’?!

“What’s up?” you asked as you moved to sit up.

“Are you back yet?”

“Yeah, I just got here an hour ago.”

“Are you hungry?”

“Wait, are you back?”

“No, I just want to know if you’re hungry. Don’t I always call you every few hours to see if you’re hungry yet?”

You held back a smirk, rolling your eyes playfully to yourself. So he was back.

“Dining hall, then?”

“Nah, let’s go to The Grill,” he suggested, referring to one of the local diner hangouts not too far from campus. “I’m dying for a burger.”

Actually, now that he mentioned it, a burger sounded absolutely divine right now.

“Ooh, okay, I’m game,” you replied, standing up so you could step into your winter boots.

“I’ll wait outside and we can walk together, yeah?”

“Sure, see you in a couple.”

By the time you pushed open the front door to your dorm building, Jae was waiting with his hands shoved in his pockets, his nose already pink from the cold weather.

“How was your Christmas?” he asked almost as soon as you got close enough.

“It was good!” you replied, falling into step next to him and heading off toward The Grill. You decided not to mention the fact you’d realized you’d fallen for him right after he’d left your house. “What about yours?”

“Pretty good,” he answered with a nod. “You didn’t get another dreamhouse?”

“No,” you sighed mournfully. “I guess my parents think I’m too old or whatever. Oh! Did you bring your guitar?”

“I did, actually.”

“So you’re going to start playing again?” you asked hopefully.

“I’m gonna try,” Jae chuckled.

You continued on talking about your holidays all the rest of the way to the diner, your hand constantly itching to reach out and take his. But the campus was fairly empty, so there was really no point in acting like a couple right now.

But when the two of you sat at the counter after arriving at The Grill, Jae suggested taking a picture so he could post it to his story.

“I mean, it’s been over a week since we’ve seen each other,” he pointed out. “I have to show the world how much I missed my girlfriend!”

Wow, how you wanted that to be true.

Jae got his phone out before the waitress had a chance to come and take your drink orders, stretching his arm out and leaning in toward you. He placed his chin on your shoulder, and you reached up to place your hand on his cheek. The both of you smiled happily, and when you looked at the finished product, you actually couldn’t believe how adorably cute Jae’s expression was.

He leaned back, adding some emojis and ‘reunited and it feels so gooooood’ and a location tag for the diner before posting it to his story.

Honestly, you were glad he was distracted for a minute because you needed that minute to recover from being so close to him and touching him and seeing his fricking fracking delightful, charming, cute-as-heck face.

“What can I get you?” a waitress asked, suddenly appearing in front of you. (Though, it probably wasn’t actually sudden. You’d just been too distracted to notice earlier.)

“Coke, please,” you answered. “And a cheeseburger with fries.”

“Make that two,” Jae chimed in. He looked up from his phone, flashing a grin at the waitress and thanking her as she jotted your orders down.

When she walked away, you nudged his side, a smirk pulling at your lips. “You got a crush on our waitress?”

“What?” Jae asked with a confused chuckle. “What are you talking about?”

“You were just smiling at her!”

“I was not!”

“You were. Like this.” You imitated his smile, though you admittedly made it a little more lovesick than his had truly been.

“Oh my gosh,” he laughed. “I was smiling to be friendly. I do not have a crush on our waitress, believe me.”

“Well, I thought she was pretty,” you shrugged.

“I mean, yeah, but it takes more than a pretty face to catch my interest.”

“Oh, it does?”

...No. No, no, no, no. You should not have asked that. You were treading in dangerous waters asking about what it took to catch Jae’s romantic interest.

“Yeah, it does,” he replied a bit defensively. “Besides. I already have a girlfriend, remember?”

You were about to ask just who that girlfriend was and why did you not know about her?! But then he reached out and tapped your nose with his index finger.

...Oh, yeah. He was talking about you.

“You’re a big nose-booping fan, aren’t you?” you pointed out, reaching up to gently swat his arm away.

“It’s cute!”

“No, it’s annoying.”

The two of you continued to playfully tease each other until your waitress brought out your orders, and then your mouths were otherwise engaged.

Not even halfway through your meal, though, and you heard the jingle of the bell above the door signaling the entrance of a new customer.

Even though you weren’t expecting anybody you knew to come here, you still glanced up to see who it was. It was human instinct, I guess.

You were glad you did, though, because your gaze landed on...

Jamie.

“Ex alert,” you mumbled, quickly averting your eyes.

Jae froze for just a split second, but then he put down his burger and moved his arm, placing it across the back of your seat. He leaned in closer to you, and when your gaze flitted over at him, you saw he was looking at you with those eyes. Even behind his glasses, you could see the love in those eyes.

It was heart-warming and heart-breaking all at the same time.

“She probably saw your story,” you whispered, picking up a french fry off your plate and feeding it to him.

“Is she sitting down somewhere?”

You glanced over his shoulder, seeing Jamie sliding into a booth. But she looked far too anxious and annoyed.

“Yes, but I doubt she’ll actually stay,” you murmured. “She looks super annoyed.”

Jae rolled his eyes because Jamie couldn’t see his face at the moment, and you bit back a giggle.

You watched as a waitress approached Jamie’s table, but Jamie simply waved her off, her eyes narrowed and a frown tugging at her lips. It really wasn’t an attractive look.

You continued to be super lovey-dovey, feeding Jae a couple of your fries, reaching up to comb his hair away from his eyes, gazing and beaming over at him. All the while, Jae’s arm lay across the back of your chair, his thumb gently rubbing your shoulder and upper arm.

“I think she’s about to leave...” you whispered when you saw Jamie scooting out of the booth.

Jae leaned in, pressing his forehead to your temple to try and finalize her departure.

“Is she still looking?” he muttered before he pressed his lips to your temple.

“No,” you whispered through your teeth, feeling your cheeks get warm at his touch. “She’s leaving, actually.”

When the door closed behind her, Jae squeezed your shoulder before bringing his arm back around and resuming eating his food. Resuming chattering and laughing and living life as normal.

Oh, god. You couldn’t tell him about your feelings. You just couldn’t!

You two were having a good time - you always did. And if you confessed your feelings, all that would be gone.

But… still. You knew if you kept quiet…

You would regret it.

You didn’t want to ruin this thing you had going because it was definitely working. And you also didn’t want to ruin your friendship with him.

But you couldn’t keep playing along. If you let yourself keep pretending, your heart would get seriously torn apart by the time you two “broke up.” And that just wasn’t fair to either of you.

You hadn’t known you wanted to tell him when you walked in here - in fact, you’d thought quite the opposite, but seeing Jamie made you realize you not only wanted to (even though you were super scared) but you kind of had to.

“Hey, Jae…” you began, your eyes fixed on the plate of food in front of you as you swirled one of your french fries around in your pool of ketchup.

“Yeah,” he replied before taking the biggest bite of his burger imaginable.

You let out a breathy chuckle, shaking your head as you waited for him to chew and swallow.

“What?” Jae laughed, reaching to grab a napkin and gently wiping something from the corner of your lip.

See?! It was things like that! Things like him wiping your mouth when you weren’t even pretending to be a couple which had made you fall for him. Things like him helping you put your glove on when you were holding hands. Things like taking your plate and carrying it for you in the dining hall. Things like walking you back to your dorm at night after playing video games. Things like coming into your room and talking to you when you couldn’t sleep.

It all made you believe it could be real.

“I…” you began, your voice a bit shaky as your heart began to pound. “Listen, I have to tell you something, and I really don’t want to ruin anything, but I don’t think it’s fair to either of us anymore.”

“…What’s not fair?”

“This… thing we’re doing.”

“Why not?” he asked, brow furrowed deeply. He looked super confused and super adorable.

“Because I like you.”

Jae stared at you.

For a good… ten seconds.

Which doesn’t seem like a long time, but when you’ve just confessed feelings to someone, ten seconds seems more like ten years.

His eyes were darting all over your face, his perfect lips slightly agape in shock. It was making your heart race even faster than it just had been.

Yeah… You had just made a huge mistake.

And your first instinct was to… keep talking.

“I actually wasn’t sure if I should tell you because I don’t want things to get awkward between us, but I know I’ll end up getting kind of really hurt when we stop fake dating, and I just -- Listen, it’s – it’s totally okay if you don’t feel the same way. I understand. I expect it, actually. So you can just tell me, and I’ll be okay. I’ll be fine. I just had to tell you. And we can still – I mean, if you want to, we can still –”

And then Jae interrupted you.

And what he said…

Well, you hadn’t been expecting it.

“I like you, too.”

Now it was your turn to stare at him.

“...I-- I’m sorry, what did you say?”

Jae held back a smile as he lifted a hand into the air, signaling the waitress. “Can we get the check?” he asked politely when she arrived.

“Wait, Jae -- what are you --”

“Can we go talk somewhere?” he asked. He reached into his back pocket for his wallet, taking out some cash.

“Go... talk...”

“Alone?”

...Okay.

Let’s take a second and make sure we’ve got this straight.

You confessed to Jae.

Jae, you were fairly certain, had replied with ‘I like you, too.’ (I mean -- unless you’d just completely imagined that.)

And he was now paying for your meal after having asked you to go somewhere to talk.

Alone.

Part 7

Master list // RULES // Read About the Admins

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thebarefootking · 5 years

Text

Little Brainweird Lauren pt. 12

As I mentioned previously, my exposure to gender roles as a child was somewhat mixed and more than a little confused. Admittedly, this description applies more to feminine roles than masculine ones. I knew that boys didn't often much like Barbie dolls (Neither did I, Aunt G. Sorry not sorry!) and weren't supposed to wear makeup or dresses/skirts (except to be funny on television). Men sometimes wore ties and women didn't (although all the women at church wore them once for a prank). Boys liked more violent video games and watched wrestling.

Women, though? Who even knew? I knew that they could do any of the above. They could wear makeup or not wear it. They could wear skirts or pants. They could work or stay home. They could be teachers or astronauts.

Girls can do anything boys can do, people told me with all the neon-decorated Girl Power of the '90s, and I embraced the idea wholeheartedly until I would inevitably bump up against an instance where it clearly wasn't true. I guess women were supposed to shave their legs and pits? And something about using a different kind of bicycle, but I didn't know why and wasn't able to tell the difference. And they were the ones that had to feed their babies, because they were the ones with boobs. (I learned around age two or three, to my utmost dismay in our poorly-cooled home, that girls going around topless was out of the question.)

Still, there weren't a whole lot of those instances. Feminine gender roles in the poor, rural environment in which I grew up were incredibly relaxed. Women often dressed like men, worked like men, and, in families less pious than my own, drank like men. And too the little girls played like the little boys, rough and tumble in the hills, fields, and streams, coming home all scraped to hell and with dust in their dungarees. I didn't know any different until I began gradeschool in town, where gender roles were somewhat more fixed, and girls didn't bait their own fishing hooks (if they went fishing at all).

How all this relates to my gender identity, I couldn't tell you. If you'd asked me then, I would have told you wholeheartedly I was a GIRL, thank you very much. What I would have meant was that I wasn't a boy; the concept of a gender that was neither had never been presented to me, and even if it had, I doubt I'd have understood it as a thing that could apply to myself. That would take a long time, lots more information, and plenty of self-searching.

I wonder what it would've been like, sometimes, if that didn't have to have been the case.

#little brainweird lauren

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fuckress · 5 years

Note

I dare you to answer every single question in the "weird asks that say a lot" (tho you can decline the dare, or just answer one you really wanna answer)

me? declining a dare?? HELL NO! So buckle up, this is a long one!

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?–> coffee mugs

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?–> hmmmmm… chocolate bars.

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?–> neither really… there aren’t many stores where I can buy cotton candy just like that. So I guess bubblegum.

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?–> quiet, reserved, smart. I think that’s about it.

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?–> actually cans. But I’ll settle for bottles if I can’t get cans

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?–> hm… a mix between tomboy, sportswear and formal.

7. earbuds or headphones?–> both. earbuds while on my phone and headphones while on my computer.

8. movies or tv shows?–> tv shows. Keeps me occupied for longer and I don’t have to pay attention too much.

9. favorite smell in the summer?–> that fresh breeze when at sea or ocean. Or, the smell before a thunder storm.

10. game you were best at in p.e.?–> dodgeball, along with basketball and volleyball. which doesn’t mean I’m any good at either, those were just the ones I didn’t suck as much lol

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?–> usually, I skip breakfast and have lunch. But if I want something, it’s usually a sandwich with either avocado, fish or something else.

12. name of your favorite playlist?–> uhh.. don’t really have one.

13. lanyard or key ring?–> both ^^ key ring to keep all keys i need together and a lanyard to lock them to my pants or something.

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?–> popcorn. I’m not entirely sure tbh, I’m simply eating popcorn now so that’s why it came to my mind lol

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?–> ooh, good question. hm… catcher in the rye is up there… life of pie too… killing mr griffin…. hm. most books from my english classes it seems. the german ones sucked.

16. most comfortable position to sit in?–> sitting on one leg with the other angled. it’s kinda hard to explain, I guess.

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?–> gray sneakers

18. ideal weather?–> sunshine, not too warm (maybe around 25°C), with a little breeze.

19. sleeping position?–> any position and every position

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?–> either computer or mobile phone

21. obsession from childhood?–> hm. I guess drawing might be one. Other than that, I don’t think I have an obsession from back then. Maybe anime and cartoons in general, but nothing specific.

22. role model?–> don’t have one

23. strange habits?–> can’t think of anything right now..

24. favorite crystal?–> opal

25. first song you remember hearing?–> I don’t know the song titles of those, sadly. I do remember the ketchup song

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?–> either taking a walk or sleeping in the sunshine. Not really much interested in activities.

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?–> sleeping..

28. five songs to describe you?–> Alone in the room by asking alexandria, haze by tessa violet, choke by i don’t know how but they found me (the vibe of the song, not much of the lyrics), bones by emily finchum, dreamin by the score

29. best way to bond with you?–> oh, there are many ways tbh. either ask me about my obsessions and if they are similar to yours, let’s talk about those for hours. or just show up and talk bullshit, I’m always up for bullshit. or let’s rant about stuff that we both hate. just. yeah. I’m really not that hard to please, if you don’t treat me like shit, we’re good.

30. places that you find sacred?–> nothing comes to mind tbh. that doesn’t mean i don’t think places shouldn’t be treated without respect.

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?–> jeans, sneakers, black tanktop and a blazer. or hoodie. things I’d usually wear as well. best to kick ass and take names while wearing what you like most, right?

32. top five favorite vines?–> “two bros, chilling in a hot tub, five feet apart cause they’re not gay.”“Say Colorado!” “I’M A GIRAFFE”“THIS BITCH EMPTY! YEET!”“Shit, duck!” “Oh, cause of the duck is it?” *gets hit by a flying duck*“Cabbage, cabbage, cabbage. LETTUCE, LETTUCE, LETTUCE!”

33. most used phrase in your phone?–> yaaaaaaf, yaaaaaaaas, rip, mood, aaaaaaaaaaargh, wtf, eyyyyyyyyyyyyy, oooh, fuck, ehehehehehehe (usually after a dirty joke), yay~, yehi wasn’t able to just pick one

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?–> none. thank goodness

35. average time you fall asleep?–> maybe.. 30min?

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?–> oooh boy, I don’t remember.

37. suitcase or duffel bag?–> suitcase. They’re easier to handle

38. lemonade or tea?–> tea

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?–> neither.. I don’t really like cakes or pies

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?–> there was a warning of a school shooting due to some internet posts. Nothing happened at our school, but people were scared. Other than that, constant firealarms due to bullshit reasons like cooking or dust. And being late for school due to flooding and casually walking in to class with zero fucks left to give.

41. last person you texted?–> a friend who sent me a cute pic.

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?–> BOTH AND BIG ENOUGH TO FIT MY PHONE IN PLEASE

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?–> Hoodie and leather jacket.

44. favorite scent for soap?–> something fresh like lemon grass or so. Or some herbs. Nothing too sweet and no nuts

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?–> I like a lot of superhero stuff, but fantasy is up there too.

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?–> I’ll sleep in literally anything, depending on how tired and lazy I am to change.

47. favorite type of cheese?–> none

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?–> a pomegranate i think

49. what saying or quote do you live by?–> none really. More like a motto. Be the best you can be and enjoy yourself as much as possible.

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?–> pfft. tons of things. i can’t possibly pinpoint one

51. current stresses?–> New job starting soon where I’m not really sure how well I’ll be able to handle it, sleep scedule is fucked, being on my own entirely with no friends nearby.. ah well.

52. favorite font?–> don’t have one

53. what is the current state of your hands?–> slight lingering pain, a bit cold, no injuries

54. what did you learn from your first job?–> my first ever job was as a waitress/barkeeper at age 14 or something. What I learned there… some people expect too much of you without helping you. And it’s ok to go away from a bad envirenment. Your own well being is most important.

55. favorite fairy tale?–> It’s either the tale of Icarus or the tale of Kunegunda. Those are actually the first ones I ever heard.

56. favorite tradition?–> hm.. don’t have one

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?–> School, College, emotional breakdowns

58. four talents you’re proud of having?–> drawing, being able to view at problems rationally and finding solutions, reading people I know, my bullshit kind of humor

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?–> Let’s get this fucking party started!

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?–> slice of life. They’re the most wholesome with weird and funny friendship moments

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?–> The risk I took was calculated, but damn, am I bad at math.

62. seven characters you relate to?–> I’m too lazy to think of seven, so have one: Killua from Hunter x Hunter

63. five songs that would play in your club?–> see number 28.

64. favorite website from your childhood?–> YouTube. Well, not really childhood, but early teenage years.

65. any permanent scars?–> I have one on my forhead from an accident when I was a kid. Don’t know if other scars are permanent.

66. favorite flower(s)?–> forget-me-nots

67. good luck charms?–> a d20 dice

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?–> hm… I think I surpressed any bad memory like that. Can’t remember

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?–> brown eyes can be changed permanently blue due to some genes and pigments being linked together

70. left or right handed?–> I’m right handed

71. least favorite pattern?–> anything with huge contrasts and tons of messy lines. hurts my eyes and brain

72. worst subject?–> history. Never was good at remembering dates and years and that shit.

73. favorite weird flavor combo?–> I… don’t have any..

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?–> a 6, usually. Except if i need to do stuff or I’m trying to sleep. then a 4.

75. when did you lose your first tooth?–> I think, around the age of 9..

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?–> chips

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?–> a succulent always grew really well with me. Or cacti.

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?–> Never had coffee at a gas station. I did have sushi from the grocery story, but they were never any good.

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?–> driver’s licence photo

80. earth tones or jewel tones?–> jewel tones

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?–> wait… wat

82. pc or console?–> PC. Never had a console

83. writing or drawing?–> drawing

84. podcasts or talk radio?–> podcasts

84. barbie or polly pocket?–> I had both growing up. As a kid, barbie. later on, polly pocket.

85. fairy tales or mythology?–> why not both.

86. cookies or cupcakes?–> cookies

87. your greatest fear?–> complete darkness

88. your greatest wish?–> to manage well enough not to have to worry about anything

89. who would you put before everyone else?–> parents i guess

90. luckiest mistake?–> I bet there were so fucking many but I can’t remember right now

91. boxes or bags?–> depends. boxes for organizing stuff at home, bags for shopping and gathering things like bottles or clothes

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?–> lamps and overhead lights

93. nicknames?–> Chan

94. favorite season?–> fall

95. favorite app on your phone?–> telegram, messaging my friends and all

96. desktop background?–> a picture I made a while ago I called galaxy marbles

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?–> around 4 or so

98. favorite historical era?–> don’t have one, the all sucked

there. I did it. holy shit that was a lot.

#ask #ask game #long post

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sweet-xoxo-thatcares · 3 years

Text

I wonder was he like that at home or if someone taught him it was ok to talk to other women like that. He even talked crap about his sister once on the bus, but I thought she wayyyy prettier than me to get picked on.

But she handled him. She punched him or threatened to punch him if he did it again.

I was shocked at how protective he was of her too but yet would talk about her being fat too.

She wasn't as big as me, just slightly chubby in my opinion. Darius made me feel like I was the biggest girl at school, when there was obviously bigger chicks than me. But I guess I stood out. He thought I was mixed too....but he was Filipino and black.

And I was just....well black....I didn't have curly hair like the actual mixed girls there. I never really knew my natural hair, never got the chance too cause mom always made me get a perm. Cause it looked presentable.

I didn't start taking charge for my own hair until I noticed my hair started to get shorter and shorter and I was actually moisturizing it and wrapping it up at night. It scared me that what no matter what I did, it kept getting trimmed short because I had dead ends and I always wanted my hair to grow down to my behind like Princess Jasmine. She was so pretty to me at the time. Her eyes, her face, and her long black hair was just swishing. Plus she could wear skinny clothes, unlike me.

This was how I used to think back as the sheltered, goody two shoes everyone thought I was, while Darius's only goal seemed to me was to make middle school miserable for me, just because a fat, lightskinned girl liked him, but she wasn't as prettier or talked like all the other black girls in school either.

Him and alot people said I just sounded white. Or "you talk white" as some people put it. I grew up in a catholic school, kindergarten to 2nd grade....of course imma sound like that in a mixed cultured school...we only had one or two girls who were actually full on black and talked hood.

I guess I grew up in the suburbs and stayed to myself alot. I didn't really get to go over to friends houses alot either. Just my cousins and that's it.

I was by myself but I had alot of cartoon characters, dolls and toys that I played with by myself. Even watched movies with my grandma and my dad sometimes if he wasn't too busy. We would play games on the playstation, he bought us a karaoke machine and we had fun.

He tried to teach me how to ride a bike, but I was just too scared of falling and worrying about cars and stuff. He told me just to pedal, and don't worry. But I fell so many times we just kept the training wheels. And I felt safe in my barbie helmet and knee pads.

I started dressing the Bratz dolls and stuff when my first friend that was girl actually stayed in the neighborhood with me and she didn't make me feel like a burden. Our moms and dads even got along with each other, and we just did whatever she wanted us to do..she had the whole Bratz collection, movies, dollhouses, toycars (which I lovedddd), the house was nice and we had sleepovers every Thursday..

.until she moved cause her dad was in the army. It was sad, because she was actually a funny, sweet, nice girl. Her mom drove a black Nissan Infiniti, I remember that distinctly because I never seen that many people with that car and she made sure we didn't touch her car while plating outside.

Jerica. J...I'll keep her last name private. I still remember. The only girl I ever knew in 4th grade (she went to a different school with uniforms) with a Verizon phone where her parents let her watch cartoons on there. She loved Blu and Cheese from House of Imaginary Friends. She seemed sad if I wasn't able to come over on such a short notice.

She did something weird to the Bratz dolls tho....

I noticed she took off their clothes and made me hold one while she popped them together, like humping it, as if she knew what sex was like or just wondered about it. She had her own bathroom too. I think she was used to being by herself, and only let me in because I was nice to her and did what she liked or wanted to. I really wasn't against us being friends, her parents got along with mine, so I was cool.

Her dad even invited them to a family barbecue for her birthday and mom helped me pick out a new Bratz doll for her to have. She liked Yasmin the most. I did too. Sasha was 2nd, cause she was black and Jade, because she had eyes like me. I didn't like how most people praised Chloe more. I didn't think that back then about why they even made Bratz 4 different demographics. It just clicked at my school, that was how it was for me....except there was no real Puerto Rican, Mexican, Filipino, Italian, or Haitian involved in doll making back then.

I just thought all of them looked cute. Mom always bought me Sasha, so I didn't complain. That sounds bad....dang ky, why you had to put Sasha 2nd or 3rd....

I just wanted to be different so I didn't feel weird about buying a doll that's not my color. My parents judged me on that type of stuff. Like especially when I got into kpop or Asian culture. I like learning about different cultures that feel new to me because I've never been there and I never lived it.

But anyway, Jerica ended up writing me a letter to see how was I....I never got the chance to write her back because I had lost the envelope she sent with her address. It's been along time and I doubt she would remember me after moving so many times.

I just remembered I also met another girl named Lyric that had to move to Cuba because of her dad in the military too. She the only other neighborhood girl I rode the 2nd bus home with. But we weren't close.

I don't think she wanted to hang out like that, so I never asked. This was around the time I noticed certain people would talk to me at school, but never did anything or ask to hang out with me outside of school. So I sorta kept us at Associate level (talk in passing, not personal or deep stuff about families)

Same with Darius. He wasn't even a friend to me. He only asked me about test grades and who could get the better score on a math test. Or just talked shit. I never opened up to people I can't trust. We used to talk about our interests or what movie, TV show,, or video game we saw or both liked. Music too. I Bluetoothed him some R&B songs to his phone since he heard me play MaryMary and Robin Thicke. He liked some gospel songs since his mom played them at the house. He just didn't like to dance, cause he would get shy and not know how to move or even basic two step. Me I loved to dance, until I noticed it wasn't ok for a big girl to move like that because she was fat. It hurt hearing that, so I stopped dancing too. Unless I was home alone with my mp3 or what felt like home alone in my room or in my head.

So yea, Darius, he never got to know me. But I think I did from overhearing him talk out loud, and sneaky shit people would say he said about me. I believed it because lets just be frank, he always had something to say about me. But I did not talk to him or confront him about because I didn't want to get in trouble at school for fighting.

So I would just sneak jabs in, kick him at the bus stop cause we weren't at school yet, and either chase him away for talking about my fat. He seemed like he liked me chasing him until he got bored and told me to stop if I went too far.

He only saved my ass once from getting in trouble about the school teacher catching us upstairs in the computer lab without permission, but he lied and told her anyway that the actual computer teacher did give him and us permission to finish the assignment she gave us upstairs. He lied a pretty darn good one off the top of his head, while I was just stressed and said "uhhhhh?" In blank stare mode. I didn't know what to say.

Whenever I get in trouble like that or just freeze, I freeze. My whole body shutdowns and depending on what is said I either cry or walk away, taking my punishment and just leave.

I think Darius probably lied to his parents before, so I thought he was just cool for that. He said I owed him one after that.

I just didn't get it when nobody else was around, he had my back, but everywhere else he was jerk, a fake.

It felt like he had cheated me, at such a young age, who rarely had crushes on boys and focused mainly on just school work, I kept my mouth shut around certain people....especially if I knew they had a big mouth...i didn't tell them anything unless I wanted it to be told to them.

And that's when somebody took the heart I drew of Darius (with muscles cause I always wanted him to look less bony) out of my hands and he showed it to him....cause he knew I didn't want him to see it.

Darius took it, looked at it for a little while as he paced back and forth, came back to where I sat criss crossed applesauced, and crumbled it up. And threw it to my face in front of the whole gym class.

It was embarrassing, but hey, he didn't like me, so he started to get upset if people assumed the reason why he made fun of me so much was because he liked me. That's when he took a break from it, once the rumors died down.

It was a big school and even said to somebody, I overheard him say "oh, she would be cuter if she just lost weight."

What a jerk. I hated him.

Then if he was nice to me, I like him.

It was too complex, my standard of emotions for another guy. Anxious attachment and fear of rejection and abandonment. My worst fear. To be laughed at by a whole group of people you didn't know, but they knew something about you, because of this little punk...I hated him for it.

He asked me what shoe size I was: 11

And everyone else laughed about him cause he was making fun of my big feet. They thought it wasn't normal for girls to have big shoes and big feet. Him and his ignorant ass friends were the type to make fun of a woman for wearing boy shoes and not girly shoes. Like girls should be girls and dress like girls. Boys should be boys who dressed like boys.

The girls there called me tomboy even if I was to wear a big shirt and shorts. Like obviously I'm hiding my boobs and "manly legs" was the most unique comment I ever heard that I hated.

Like yup, I guess I was made fun of for looking too strong and having muscular, big legs compared to the bony ass boys at school. I was never challenged to a fair fight, so I guess she must've been scared to find out.

0 notes

survivor-zvt · 5 years

Text

Immunity Challenge #2 Results

Let’s get to the results and see the iconic music videos! First let’s meet our iconic judges!

TYLER!

He edited the barbie girl video and guided us during Algonquin and is a professional video editor. He’s also my dynamic duo #ClashMeDora

JESS! Jess was a famous girl on zwooper but migrated to Tumblr a few months ago but she still goes to her hometown zwooper to visit her children

JOHNNY! Who doesn’t know Johnny? He has won the most group games on zwooper and hosts almost every TS season and i am pretty sure i have seen him judge music videos before so he has the experience!

ALYSSA! Alyssa won TS Guyana and has been in one of the videos where she killed it in 7 rings! Now let’s right jump into the music videos! Zwooper’s Music Video

youtube

TYLER Creativity: (4/10) You guys definitely paid attention to the lyrics and there were moments where you matched the song with funny props. With that being said I wish you pushed that envelope the whole way through. There was not much coordination (except for Carter who went in). Maybe some costuming could have helped? Effort: (6/10) Some people definitely put in more work than others when it came to dressing up and dancing. I peeped how there were different "roles" or "parts" and that was great organization, but in some cases I just wish it came through more. You had great material with the song because they were talking about different kind of boys and you had a tribe full of boys who could have literally embodied that. But you just didn't. Composition: (4/10) The edit was really lacking. There was a lot of moments off-sync and there was a lot of times there was no footage at all. Also, the recycling of footage kind of took me out of it. I'd rather you have shown dancing there when it was just instrumental or cut that part out entirely. Most of the cuts were just simple cuts between footage and some of the shots lingered for too long. Theme: (5/10) I don't really think there was a theme to this. It's hard to have a "message" with a song like this, which you guys clearly chose to be entertaining. It was fun to watch, but I don't think you really thought about this aspect. Nothing tied it together. JESS Creativity: Honestly was it creative... no? Did you have a cute cat who stole the show..yes! This wasn't a standout at all.... 5 Effort: Sadly, not all of your tribe members were in the video :( I think the effort was there it just didn't really translate... 6 Composition: The beginning of this video dragged on too much. The editing picked up throughout the video and personally.. this might be your stronger point? 6.5 Theme: There was a theme? Um.... awkward because I didn't really see one. 5 JOHNNY Creativity: 3 Effort: 6 Composition: 8 Theme: 4 A lot of this didn't really flow and there was no outward thinking when it came to the song and what y'all did with the lip sync. It seemed like y'all were like "okay here's the song, now record your parts and let's not discuss WHAT we're doing in our recordings." It was kinda entertaining, and I love TJ, but the first 35 seconds being on the same person is just meh with coming out with a KILLER opening for a video and drawing me in as a viewer. I do take into account that a good amount of y'all were in the actual video, but missing some tribemates is always going to dock some points so........... ALYSSA Creativity: 7 Effort: 7 Composition: 6 Theme: 8 The editing of the second verse made my life but I think that some portions were looped, so I docked for effort there. But I think the whole tribe was included in the video which is excellent. Docked point in composition for the ever dreaded horizontal/vertical mix. Stan Lizzo !! TOTAL 83.5/160 Tumblr’s Music Video

youtube

TYLER Creativity: (6/10) I think the creativity came through more in the edit than in the performances. Several people wore ridiculous outfits to stand out in their own way, but they go together. I think some coordination in that department could have really benefitted you guys. The editor did a good job putting everything together but the footage wasn't always the best material to work with. Effort: (7/10) It seemed like everyone had a lot of fun. Again, the editor did a lot of work here. I appreciated the shots of people dancing and going all in, regardless of how they look. Composition: (8/10) This was the highlight of this video. The fast cuts, the use of transitions, the special effects. These all made it more exciting to watch. It felt more like a music video and my attention was maintained. I don't even know who edited this but if you bitches end up losing somehow and then vote out the editor I hope all y'all go home. Theme: (4/10) This was the weakest part. There really was no theme, and I think the song choice makes it hard to put together a theme. The footage and costumes were all very different so nothing really meshed. The one shot of the girl singing on the city billboard sent me because it came out of nowhere. JESS Creativity: I admire the onesies and costumes. I appreciated the choreography too! 7.5 Effort: Just as the Zwooper tribe, not all members were in this video so that kind of sucks? (RIP MADISON K). But there was SOME effort here so… 7 Composition: This video flowed well. I really liked it. My little virgo heart is happy. 8 Theme: I don’t know if there was a strong enough theme here? BUT I’ll give you a pass. 6 JOHNNY Creative: 6 Effort: 8 Composition: 9 Theme: 6

Ahhhhh a Sammy edited music video? Yea everyone was into it, and I love the little bits of y'all at the beach house (excluding the fact that Jack and Connor aren't in the GAME), but I just think everyone in this video was into the song itself more than literally everyone on the other tribe besides maybe Carter. Also, Maynor had the funniest part of both videos with his icky face and the piece of paper. That's some fun creativity to make me laugh. Decent standard music video, but in my opinion, better than the other tribe so good job woooooo ALYSSA Creativity: 6 Effort: 6 Composition: 8 Theme: 7 In my opinion this was overedited.... But this made me laugh at points and obviously a lot of effort was put into it on the editing portion. I do think there were some people missing based on the mini flag at the end so I docked some points for that. Overall it looks like you guys had fun so I’m glad! TOTAL 109.5/160 Congratulations to TUMBLR on winning the immunity! and zwooper you will be heading to tribal council, where you will be voting off the first person from zwooper tribe and second from ZVT. Tribal will be over skype call and skype call will be recorded, and we plan to start at 9:00 EST. please let the hosts know beforehand if you will be able to attend tribal council or not. Tribal Council 9EST August 5th

0 notes

what-my-bones-said · 4 years

Note

ALL OF THEM WHORE

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans? coffee mugs

2. chocolate bars or lollipops? chocolate bars

3. bubblegum or cotton candy? Cotton candy

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you? shy but a good student

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups? glass cups

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear? I mean probably preppy because of how I dress for teaching?

7. earbuds or headphones? Headphones

8. movies or tv shows? tv shows

9. favorite smell in the summer? suntan lotion

10. game you were best at in p.e.? the game where I lost early and got to stand on the side and watch

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day? right now, cereal. Usually, oatmeal or fried eggs.

12. name of your favorite playlist? My country playlist on spotify

13. lanyard or key ring? lanyard

14. favorite non-chocolate candy? sour patch kids

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment? The Things they Carried by Tim O’Brien

16. most comfortable position to sit in? nothing, I am constantly changing the position I sit in. I can’t sit still

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes? My Sperrys or my white crocs

18. ideal weather? Sunny with a nice warm breeze

19. sleeping position? on my side typically but I move a lot at night

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)? notebook with a pen-- but usually I write on my phone because it’s convenient

21. obsession from childhood? umm.. I don’t know? If I had any?

22. role model? My mom

23. strange habits? watching pimple popping videos

24. favorite crystal? Celestine

25. first song you remember hearing? Zombie by The Cranberries

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather? Bask in the sun and drink

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather? Curl up in a ball and watch tv bc I hate the cold

28. five songs to describe you? That describe me?? Okay. We’ll try. Man! I Feel Like a Woman-Shania Twain. I Don’t Wanna Be-Gavin Degraw. Who I Am- Jessica Andrews. She Keeps Me Warm-Mary Lambert. This is Me- The Greatest Showman Soundtrack

29. best way to bond with you? Deep conversations, lots of snacks, and good beer

30. places that you find sacred? the docks at mount holyoke, the woods leading up to the docks

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names? ooo... khakis, pink button down, and blazer OR a kick ass dress, depending on the mood.

32. top five favorite vines? “LOOK AT ALL THOSE CHICKENS.” , It’s an avocado! Thanks!”, “I SMELL LIKE BEEEEF”, “THAT’S MY OPINION”, “That’s what good pussy sounds like”

33. most used phrase in your phone? “I love you” & Yikes bikes

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head? WOW that’s a low price!

35. average time you fall asleep? 11:00

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing? The baby one? idk honestly

37. suitcase or duffel bag? suitcase is easier to carry

38. lemonade or tea? tea but i love me some lemonade

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie? lemon meringue pie

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school? my senior year for part of our senior prank my friend brought a keg full of mountain dew to school and people did keg stands in the parking lot

41. last person you texted? wifey

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets? pants pockets

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket? love a good cardi

44. favorite scent for soap? i have a new mango one that I really like

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero? superhero

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in? sweatpants and a big tshirt/longsleeve in the winter, basketball shorts in the summer.

47. favorite type of cheese? ooo... I’m going to go with goats cheese

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be? A pomegranate-- i will explain only if asked.

49. what saying or quote do you live by? “We have to create. It is the only thing louder than destruction” -Andrea Gibson

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have? idk my wife says a lot of funny things

51. current stresses? not being able to fly and see my wife, my kids not being in the classroom for the rest of the year... basically the state of the world.

52. favorite font? I’m a boring hoe that loves Times New Roman... also into Playfair though.

53. what is the current state of your hands? Dry as hell and not holding my wife’s... so... not good.

54. what did you learn from your first job? That not everybody has the same opportunities as me and I should be thankful that I was able to get a college education....

also that drive thru sucks and you should appreciate fast food workers bc their job is shit.

55. favorite fairy tale? Hansel and Gretel is fun

56. favorite tradition? Christmas party at my parent’s house

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome? My grandmother dying is my biggest one, and the struggle of having anxiety is one I’m constantly trying to overcome

58. four talents you’re proud of having? poetry writing, I guess I can sing?, and act a little bit?, teaching-- because I feel like it is a talent

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be? absolutely no idea.

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be? Something like Ouran High School Host Club

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.? “There is no dishonor in losing the race. There is only dishonor in not racing because you are afraid to lose.”- The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein

62. seven characters you relate to? Tina from Bob’s Burgers, Piggie from the Elephant and Piggie books, Rory from Gilmore Girls, Part of Monica from Friends, parts of Joey from Friends, Linda from Bob’s Burgers, Oscar the Grouch from Seasame Street

63. five songs that would play in your club? Yeah!-Usher, Dancing Queen- ABBA, Man! I Feel Like a Woman- Shania Twain, Maneater- Nelly Furtado, Work it- Missy Elliot

64. favorite website from your childhood? Addicting Games

65. any permanent scars? A small scar on my wrist from burning myself on the oven

66. favorite flower(s)? Lilies

67. good luck charms? My wife

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried? GRAPE

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned? Otters hold hands

70. left or right handed? right handed

71. least favorite pattern? Paisley

72. worst subject? Math

73. favorite weird flavor combo? Ketchup and Mac and Cheese... not really flavors but

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen? 7

75. when did you lose your first tooth? no idea

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)? how could I ever pick a favorite potato food when I love them all equally? Except tater tots. Tater tots can go away.

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill? Cactus

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store? Sush

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo? school ID

80. earth tones or jewel tones? earth tones

81. fireflies or lightning bugs? fireflies

82. pc or console? pc

83. writing or drawing? writing

84. podcasts or talk radio? podcasts

84. barbie or polly pocket? POLLY POCKET

85. fairy tales or mythology? Fairy tales

86. cookies or cupcakes? cookies

87. your greatest fear? plane crash

88. your greatest wish? world peace? also to be living on the same continent as my wife

89. who would you put before everyone else? my wife and my family

90. luckiest mistake? no clue

91. boxes or bags? bags

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights? fairy lights

93. nicknames? my dad calls me gert (like gertrude)

94. favorite season? fall

95. favorite app on your phone? My homescapes app

96. desktop background? just the blue windows background. I’m boring and should change that

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized? three including mine

98. favorite historical era? Renaissance?

0 notes

its--this · 5 years

Text

its a long Boi cuz it’s my whole life

People will see this which is what I want

And nobody will tell me what they think

Which is what I want

Because what I think about my experience, my emotions, how I’ve felt through these years, how it’s affected me, is what is real. It’s fact. Nobody can tell me otherwise because nobody else has felt what I’m feeling and what I’ve felt.

But they still do. And these stories, emotions, psychological damage, are immediately extinguished. I’m swimming in a fish bowl. Around and around, in my own place, while everyone else lives outside it. I try to tell them about it. They say they don’t see it. They say that it’s probably not a fish bowl. It’s not water. So I should just breathe.

I don’t need anyone to fix it. It can’t be fixed. Only left behind.

I just need someone to see it. I’m using this as storage purposes, as some memories are fading, but of course, the effects are concrete.

I don’t hate everything I just feel everything and you don’t wanna hear it.

My sister comes to mind first. She made things worse. Made home into house.

But if we’re gonna go back, might as well go back to the start.

I’ve been an outsider ever since I can remember. I thought I was an age thing but it still happens to this day. I was always left out of games and other activities my cousins and sisters did together. That was the earliest I remember noticing the sinking feeling of betrayal/abandonment/outsiderness whatever it is in my chest. I was like 6 or 7. I remember the clothes I had on. And what will become a common theme throughout my life, the adults took no care towards me being upset. It’s not like I went to them to force my cousins to let me join, I was just upset and needed comfort while I rode it out. But I was a nuisance. I ended up crying in my room alone, to which a few cousins enter, call me attention seeking, and turned the light off leaving me in the pitch black. Being a young kid, that’s a terrifying thing, and I was already messed up that night.

I remember having such a bad relationship with my cousins that one year I decided “I’m going to start fresh, I’ll apologise (because I thought I was at fault, and I guess you’ll have to trust me that I was innocent here), I’ll start up again with a new friendliness” I even had outfits planned for the big moments of apologising and whatever else I had planned to do. Obviously it didn’t work. I was 9, wanted to wear my favourite pink skirt. Had like a barbie soundtrack to the whole thing. That Christmas was the worst of it. Again, I was simply not wanted around. Of course, I was upset, and again, the adults had no care, I vaugely remember my mum telling me to stop/quit it/shut up, something along those lines. So I went to find a little place to cry in by myself. Only to be tracked by the cousins and my sister so they could make fun of my crying and me being upset. I don’t like looking at the photos of that year. I think of it as the starting point of all that went wrong.

In these times I was always called a loud mouth by my family, they didn’t like me talking. When I was around 13 I decided I couldn’t take it anymore. Whenever I tried to speak, nobody would listen, and new conversations were begun, or nobody would reply/give acknowledgement to what I said. I remember the specific moment I decided I’d stop trying. So I stopped talking. Became kinda lifeless. Got very sad. I remember telling myself to “hold it back, it doesn’t matter what you have to say, nobody wants to hear it”. I wouldn’t try to start conversations or contribute to them. I’d only speak to answer questions I was asked directly. If I didn’t I’d get in trouble. I stopped talking for two years. I couldn’t talk to anyone except one person. And in grade 8 my reputation was established as a weird outsider. Though I never did or acted strange, I was only quiet and extremely nervous, nobody, for some reason, wanted me around. I was always the one kid who had to do pair activities in pe with the teacher. I told my parents I thought I had social anxiety. I was laughed at for “self diagnosing”. My fingerless gloves became my blanket, and I’m still deeply attached to them 5 years later. I start writing in a book called hungry.

I was bullied that year for asking some girls to move out of my seat, politely, quietly, because that’s the only spot I felt comfortable sitting in the room. Every time the teacher would ask a question they would loudly tell her they weren’t comfortable with it. Happened in the halls. I would sob in the shower to the tune of flipside by Lana Del Rey. On that note, personal hygiene took a massive dip. Has still barely recovered.

That year I also was by fate, appointed the task of keeping my best friend alive. With some literal sense, I was feeding some of my sanity and well-being to her to keep her here. I would wake up each day wondering if she was still alive. I would have panic attacks at night. I plunged further into sadness and anxiety. I watched her bleed on valentines. I don’t think about valentines anymore. I did my job, she’s still alive today but still not living. It’s not my problem anymore though.

I also gave myself deep, traumatising memories that year. Not explaining.

During my time of not speaking, my mind opened up to the world. I would see things that you would usually miss in the buzz and the flow of ‘regular’ ‘normal’ life. I was on a whole other track. I learned an appreciation for everything that was around me. The small details of it all. My mind opened up in a way that others never will.

In 2015 I started to doubt my existence. I literally thought I didn’t exist, because my friend group would always make plans without me while standing right in front of me, would just start walking somewhere and leave me behind, and my best friend was replacing me. Home life started to get worse. My little sister would bully me constantly. Physically and emotionally. She would insult everything. My room, face, hair, clothes, friends, the way I talk, my nose, everything. She would constantly tell me that if I looked a certain way that I’d have friends. She would constantly tell me that I was so ugly nobody would ever love me and that everyone around me, including my parents, were faking it. At this time my relationship with my parents was fading anyways. I trusted them less and less. Particularly my mum as my dad was always away with job stuff, and never really handled kid matters anyways. My sister would always shove me into things as she walked past me. Or if I wanted to enter a room or open a door, or the fridge or whatever, she’d rush over and push in front of me before I could and open it herself for no reason while taking a long time. To get me frustrated. Small things like that. She figured out I hated feet. Would always put hers all over me. She still does. She figured out the sounds I hated. The sounds that make me twitch and want to scratch my face off when I hear, and always leave me in a sobbing mess because I can’t handle the irritation. It was torture. Each time I went to my mum to get her to handle it, I was dismissed, and was treated like a nuisance. I was getting in her way, and my problem was interrupting her funny Facebook video. The harassment continued. It still does.

Consequently, she grew to have no remorse for what her behaviour did to others. I would just sob in my room for a few hours each day as they grew worse and worse, feeling the most unbearable betrayal as my mum would let these things happen to me, even as she watched them happen. She never got as much as a “don’t do that” from my mum. She still did it. She disrespected everything I owned. My bath towel would be hanging in the bathroom, on the towel rack, where it belongs, on the rack that was specifically installed and made for that exact use, in that exact place, and it would always be COVERED in toothpaste marks. My sister would constantly wipe her grotty face all over it when she brushed her teeth. My mum told me that it’s my fault because I hang my towel there, and that I shouldn’t. Same goes with food. Bought myself some chocolate, put it in the fridge, sister ate it, Mum tells me that I shouldn’t have put it in the fridge. Sister has no remorse. Because she never had any consequences. My mum wonders why she always goes out getting drunk in the streets and doing drugs every weekend nowadays. (she’s 16.). One day I will tell her that it’s because she never had any consequences. Maybe I am the way I am because my consequences were psychological.

I grew around my mothers anger. Nothing was ever her fault. Each time she was angry, I would get an instant panic attack, and have to quietly sob to myself while I waited for her to be finished. If she saw my tears she would yell at me, asking me why I’m upset. I once told her my belongings weren’t respected, were stolen, misused etc. she got angry at me and told me “well my house isn’t respected so suck it up (your problem doesn’t matter because I’ve just one upped you and that one up is your fault)” (typical teenage messes, not like we were tagging walls and smashing windows, the house was fundamentally and normally fine.) so I’ve grown to become very protective over my things. I don’t like it. It hurts relationships.

I hated coming home.

Late 2015 a girl in my school died. She tried to hang herself in the school and died later on in hospital with family by her side. It was a slap in the face how quickly and easily I could lose my best friend. It was a dark day.

In 2016 I broke up with my best friend. She was taking too much of a toll on me. She was spreading rumours, and wasn’t a friend at all. I was alone now, because the other friends that were left weren’t really my friends. They were more friends with each other. That summer I spent three months inside. I didn’t go out. I sat alone on New Years sobbing. They would always make plans without me and I would only find out through their Snapchat stories. I confronted them about it. They just didn’t want me around, so they turned around the blame on me somehow. They would always talk about how annoying I was for complaining about being left out. So I stopped and just suffered the hurt.

My mum gets angrier. My sister continues the harassment. I stand in school and watch as the car comes towards me. It means I have to go home. I don’t want to. I’m too sad there. I get no respect there.

My mum calls me disgusting, dirty, and publicly shames me. She doesn’t realise these are symptoms. She doesn’t care that I know, and hate myself for it. I know I need therapy. I desperately need help. But I can’t get it. Because if she knew, it’d be a new weapon against me. Actually, I tried asking once, she denied anything was happening. I never asked again.

I call my sister out for being a bully. The whole house gangs up on me and tells me that I’m actually the bully for calling her out. Each time I try to speak out they just laugh. They don’t take it seriously. They don’t believe me. I wanted to die. I thought I couldn’t last the three or four years it would be until I could escape them, I thought I’d die before then. I learned how to hold back everything. It only further made them not believe me. They didn’t see any ‘evidence’. Though if they did, it’d be more fuel for the fire they held me in. I have no more relationship with my parents. Or my siblings. I don’t understand how family can ‘love’ each other. I cry when I see it’s not fiction. I wish it was different.

2017 was the lowest. Emotional trauma I didn’t realise how bad it was until I tried to remember the events that year, and completely forgot the biggest one, the one where I was so close to dying. I was completely alone that year. My friends had fully deserted me. My partner left. I was face to face and fully immersed, living, breathing my worst worst fear and I was so fucking scared to live. I will never forget the sheer terror and fear I felt in those months. I was so powerless. I had anxiety before this. I had depression before this. This was just the snap. I lost 5 kgs. I was only 45kgs before. I slept through New Years.

My sisters attitude gets worse. She continues to emotionally bully me. My mum continues to ignore me. Blames me for things. Makes my anxiety and depression worse as a whole. My hair starts falling out. I don’t know why. Mum yells at me because it’s all over the place. It just falls out. My sister is babied for things my mum refuses to acknowledge in me, therefore I have to put up with without any assistance. I learn to survive on my own. I accept that I will always be on my own, no matter what. I don’t trust people. I don’t think I ever will. I still brace myself for impact whenever my sister walks behind me when I’m sitting down (she used to just forcefully push my head forwards). I tell my mum that I don’t like her touching me (she would always grab my butt or just brush my arm, normal things yes but I didn’t like them). She tells me that she can do what she wants with me, because she ‘made me’ I tell her that I am my own human and she has no right to go against my wishes for my body. She tells me I am not my own, I am hers and I have no rights and she can do what she wants whenever. She gets mad at me for not telling her what my doctors appointments are about. I don’t know why but somewhere I developed a hate for hugs. But only from specific people, my family. I hate the hugs from them. I cringe at the thought. Now I hate being touched.

2018 I get a job. It’s the best thing that’s happened to me. It’s changed me so positively. I’ve met amazing, actual humans through it. I’m doing nightfall. My days start at 7 am for school, and end at 10 pm after work. I get about an hour break all together in the day. My mum tells me that she hates picking me up because she has to stay up until 10. I tell her that I too have the same hours of the day as her, except in the five hours that I’m working, lifting boxes, working up a sweat, serving customers on my feet the whole time, she’s sitting at home on a couch eating a full meal while I’m having a snickers for dinner or on numerous occasions, just water. I also have to keep up with study and assignments (I have no idea at all how I managed to pull this off and I’m impressed with myself). She doesn’t accept this. Insists her situation is worse. I get no sympathy, not even acceptance. She makes it out like I just insulted her.

I really need extra time on exams. I know I qualify, but it needs a doctor note. I can only get that through mum. So I don’t get one. My grades take a hit. I cry at New Years. Not because I’m sad. But because I’m not dead. I’m surprised and glad that I’m alive.

2019 and the people I’m close to make fun of how I’m feeling. They don’t understand that friends shouldn’t make me feel this way. I call out my older sister for only having negative things to say about me, dragging me down with every word I say. She tries to flip the blame on me. “Well actually you’re so negative about everything”. Doesn’t make your critising any different girl. Everything I do is met with scruitiny. I learn I can’t open up with them like I thought i could. So I seal that forever. I don’t go back.

While the living situation is still the same, I am different. I’m still waiting to get out of here. It’ll happen one day.

Now this is where people will tell me that it isn’t that bad. It isn’t emotional abuse. It’s just what everyone experiences. It’s ‘normal’ family stuff.

But they haven’t feltwhat I felt. They didn’t live through it. They didn’t take the psychological hit. I have so many issues and problems with the way my brain was structured around this living situation. I wanted to kill myself because of their behaviour towards me. That’s not normal.

I don’t tell people any of this because of that. I don’t even want to tell my partner.

They’ll just tell me it doesn’t matter. My psych did. Just told me that I’m too sensitive. All I want is validation. I want someone to look at it and say yes, you went through that. Yes, it’s not normal at all, yes it’s okay you feel that way. I don’t feel I will ever get it. I’m too scared to say it. I’m too scared to hear what I know they’ll say. I’m scared of how it’ll effect me.

#rant #diary #excuse this honestly

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nalaniwall-stories · 6 years

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pt1 Knight in Shining Armor (Kim) The Backstory

***The persons & situations in this story are fictional & any similarities to real life are coincidental! This story may not be reproduced without written permission form the author!***

Mom & Dad met each other in their early 30's while working for the CIA in South America & they married a year latter. When they where transferred back to the U.S. they were both about a year from 40. Nether off them wanted to raise a kid while working outside of the states so mom was on the pill until they moved back to the U.S. A month after they got back mom became pregnant with you. After you where born mom & dad where told that because of a problem during the birth mom couldn't have any more kids.

For 5 years the doctors where proven right for no matter how hard they tried mom couldn't get pregnant again. Then 7 months before your 5th birthday mom found out she was pregnant with me. They had decided a year before to have a regular sex life with out trying to get pregnant. Even Dr. Stevens our family doctor was shocked & tested mom again. When he got the results back even he had to admit he had been wrong. The pregnancy was going great and you where happy to soon have a younger brother.

Then the day before you birthday mom thought something might be wrong with me because she had pain in her stomach all day so you & dad took her to the hospital. They did an ultrasound & found that I was being strangled by my own cored. Dr. Stevens said he had no choise but to get me out or I would die. So I was born at 1:38 am on your birthday making me 5 years younger then you. You sat by my incubator all night and watched me hopeing and praying that I would be stronge enough to make it through this.

As the the sun started to come up you feel moms hand on you shoulder. When you turn to look at her she smiles and says ''He is strong and will pull through.'' Smiling you turn back to look at me in time to see me open my eyes. I smile & make a happy noise loud enough to wake dad who is asleep in a chair on the other side of the room. Mom & I are aloud to leave the hospital that afternoon.

When we enter the house mom sits down on the couch with me in her arms & she looks at you. ''Want to open your birthday presents now?'' You smile and say as you look at me ''But I already got what I wanted!''

The years pass and except for being small I am very healthy. I am now 5 & you are 10 we are at Walmart with mom getting groceries as we walk into the store we both beg mom to let us go look at the toys. Finally she smiles and says ''Ok! Go already! Jason keep an eye on your brother.'' You take my hand and we head to the toy section. When we get there you start looking at the Hot Wheels. I walk down the isle not seeing an toys that intrests me. I walk over to the next one and smile. A few minutes latter you hear a child crying very loudly. You look around and notice I am not there. Quickly you go to the next isle what you see make you see red.

I am sitting on the ground crying with a barbi doll laying in front of me & holding my left arm. You see a 12 year old boy standing over me calling me names like sissy and pervert. You rush the boy and take him down like a linebacker.

You get up quickly expecting the other 2 boys with him to join in, but they turned & ran. You come over and get on your knees next to me. You think that my arm might be broken. You hug me close & comfort me as the walmart emloyees come running up.

As a female employee walks up you tell her my arm is broken, but when she asks how it happened you just point to the older boy. She take us to the front of the store and has mom paged. She gets there as the EMT's walk up. You refuse to say anything else until mom gets there.

When mom sees my arm she explodes but not at you or me. Mom starts demanding to the manger that he tell her what happened. He tells her what he saw on the video. As he talks he points to the older boy then me then to you. Mom says something to him and as he nodes as she turns and walks over to us.

She sits down beside me and hugs us both. The EMT tells mom that the bone is brused but not broken & for me not to use it for a few days. Mom looks at you and smooths your hair as she says ''You did the right thing.''

She smiles at us then walks over to the cops that have just walked up. I lay my head on your chest. You lean down and wisper in my ear ''I will never let anyone hurt you again.''

The years pass & I am now 10 & you are 15. Mom has just droped us off at the mall to spend our birthday money. With most of our family being very well off we both have a lot of money. I have $285 & you have $415. When we get to the main concourse you tell me to meet you in the food court in an hour.

After I say ok you turn & walk away. You stop at the game store & by the new Tomb Radier game. Next you stop at the skateboard store & buy some cool shirts, new wheels for your board & a new hat. As you walk to the shoe store to get some new hightops you see me siting on a bench.

You can tell I have been crying & you sit next to me. ''Whats worng?'' you ask as you put you arm around me. I look at you for a few mins with my mouth opening & closing as I try to speak. Not being able to I just turn & look at the store across from us with a look of deep longing on my face. When you look you see a young girls clothing store.

Suddenly you feel me put my face in your chest. Looking down you see that I am quietly crying & suddenly everthing makes sense. All the times you beat up bullys for picking on me, the time you found me trying on moms makeup, why none of my toys are the normal boy types & why I have always been nervous in the boys locker room at school.

You lift my head, dry my eyes with your shirt, kiss me on the forhead & smile as you tell me to wait there for you. You get up & walk into the store. You don't waist any time as you quickly go through the store and pick out a skirt, tshirt, push up bra, panties, socks & a pair of shoes that you think would fit me. When you walk up to pay the casher she gives you a funny look. You smile and tell her its for you little sister who is to afraid to come into the store.

She smiles, you pay & walk out of the store. I see you leave & you motion me to follow. You take us straight to the bathroom area, but instead of using the boys room you take me into the family restroom. Once in you lock the door & take everything out of the bag and put it on the counter. My eyes go wide and my mouth hangs open as I watch you.

''Hurry up and change we don't want people to think we are doing something where not supposed to be doing.'' I didn't understand what you ment at the time. I smile and quickly take off all my boy cloths. I put on the pink bikini hello kitty panties & matching push up bra. Then I put on the black jean skirt & the hot pink vneck babydoll tshirt with the black skull & bones on it. Last you let me sit on you lap so I can put on my pink ankle socks and the cute 2 in cork heeled shoe that matched my shirt. I stand up and spin for you asking how I look. You say I look very pretty as you smile a funny smile at me.

You then get up and pick up my boy clothes and put them in the shoping bag, unlock and open the door then look back at me. I walk to the door but hasitate before I go through. You take my hand give it a squeeze and say ''I will protect you.''

As we walk through the mall I begin to become more relaxed & you watch as I start to act like every other 10 year old girl in the mall. After ten mins of this you make one of the biggest choices of your life. you take my hand again & say its time to eat. As we sit eating pizza in the food court you start laying down the rules for what is to come.

1. I am only aloud to dress like a girl if I am out with just you or if mom and day are not home.

2. I can not tell anyone that I do this or that you help me.

3. When mom & dad find out I am to let you handle to situation.

I look at you and nood to show that I understand. But in truth am to scared to ask any questions. When we are done eating you take me shoping some more using my money and the rest of yours we get me a few more underwear sets some more shirts, shorts, skirts & socks. As we are picking out some basic makeup you cell rings. Its Mom she will be there in 45 mins to get us. So we quickly pay for the make up & head for the bathroom. Halfway there you stop & hand me the bag with my boy cloths in it. Then tell me to go to same bathroom we use earlyer, change & that you will meet me there.

I grab the bag smile & kiss you on the check before I run off. Sighing with a smile you walk into the skater shop again to get a few more things. You grab a good size black pack, some unisex belts, shirts and shorts in my size & a hat just like yours for me, some cute cool clip on earings & last a pair of skater shoes in my size. You pay and quickly walk to the bathroom & start putting all the girl stuff in the back pack. You are almost finished as I walk out with a sad look an my face.

You take the bag from me and put the rest of the girl stuff & what I had been wearing in the back pack then zip it shut. As you shoulder the pack you hand me a few shoping bags. As we wait outside the mall for mom you see my sad face, reach into a bag, grab both of the hats, put yours on & then drop mine on my head. You hug me and smile as you tell me to chear up & that it won't be long before I can be my self again.

The next 14 month are the best because you manage to convince mom & dad to go out of town every weekend. Making it posible for me to be the girl I am every weekend. You start using half of you pay from your paper route to by me new cloths & you would take me with you to the skate park everyday after school. We would stop halfway there & I would go into the woods to change into my girl clothes. Then change back at the same spot before we got home. Dads brother got married again during spring break of that year. Mom left you incharge & I got to be a girl all week. We had a lot of fun together that week!

We got home from the first day of school after spring brake. I run up stairs to get my change of girl clothes as you walk up slowly after me to get your board. As you reach the top of the stairs you see me standing in my door way with a scared look on my face. When you walk up behind me you see mom sitting on my bed crying holding a my hello kitty bra in her hands.

You calmly pull your dog tags out from inside your shirt, open one of them & hand me the key from in side. ''Go to my room open the bottom drawer on my desk and bring me the pink binder.'' When I come back neather of you have moved except mom is now staring at you. I hand you the binder and the key.

''Go down and watch TV.'' You tell me. Still a little scared I do as you say. A little while latter I get up to get something to drink but stop when I see you. You walk over and put your arm over my shoulder & turn me to face mom. She has stoped crying & is holding the pink binder tightly as she walks over to me on shaky legs. She gose down on one knee in front of me.

''Sweetheart is this what you really want? I am not mad at you or your brother Kim but I need to make sure you really want this because if you do then there is no changing your mind latter.'' I look up at you. You smile & node. I look back at mom & she starts to cry again but has a smile on her face. I don't need to say a word my answer is written on my face.

She drops the binder & hugs me tightly. As she pulls back mom says ''Ok little girl!'' Dad comes in the door just then sees you holding my shoulder, mom on one knee holding my hands & says in a confised voice ''Ok what did I miss?'' The three of us start laughing. After a few mins we all calm down & mom tells me to go change.

You follow me up stairs & help me pick out what to wear, fix my hair & put on some light makeup. Mom calls up a few mins latter & asks us to come down stairs. As we walk into the living room we can see dad siting in his chair with the pink binder is open in his lap. We go & stand in front of him. I am whereing all my hello kitty cloths bra, panty, tank top, shorts & socks. Suddenly dad stands picks my up and hugs me tightly. Holding me in his arms I lean back with a confused looks on my face, but I smile when I see dad smiling.

''You look just like your mom when you smile.'' dad says as you and mom hug us. The rest of the week is very busy. Dad takes us out of public school and signs us up for a private school. Me, you and mom spend the rest of the week shoping, repainting my room & getting new furniture. In the evenings while you and dad played video games mom would teach me makeup, nails, hair & all kinds of girly things.

The night before we started at our new school you came in my room. I was wearing a cute pink night gown with matching panties. You came in to talk to me about how to act in school so no one find out I was not a girl yet. Mom drops us off & you take my hand as we start up the walk. I am wearing a black knit skirt, a pail green blose, black vest, pail green knee high socks & 1 in heeled mary janes. You are in a black suit with a light green shirt. when we walk into to the school office we are greated by principal Manard.

He give you your schedule & tells you to get to class so you hug me and go. I am taken to the confrence room and givin a really long test I finish by lunch & find you in the hall. We eat together & you intrudce me to your new friends as your little sister. It make me feel warm in my tommy everytime you say it. When we finish lunch you give me a hug & walk off with your friends. I have a smile on my face as I walk back into the school office.

Principal Manard walks over & says ''Congraduations Miss Horokin! You passed welcome to 9th grade! Here is your schedule & as per your fathers request you are in the same classes as your brother. now hurry & get to class.'' I walk down the hall in shock having not known that was what the tests where for. As I walk in the room goes quiet I blush as everyone stares at me & hand Mr. Trent a note frome the principal.

''Class this is Miss Kim Horokin. She passed the highschool entrince exam and has been moved ahead 5 grades. Please treat her like any othe 9th grader. Please take the empty desk next to your brother Miss Horokin.'' Except for a few odd stairs I am treated well. After our last class you pull me aside & give me a long hug as you tell me how proud your to have such a smart younger sister & what a beutiful girl I am.

That night mom and dad take us to dinner to celebrate my entering highschool early. On our birthday that year I get to start hormones & our parents anounce that they have had you made a legal adult so that you can be my gardian if anthing should happen to them & they also give you a Black Ford Mustang.

A year and a few monthe later Mom & Dad deside to go on a secound honeymoon. Three days after they leave we are in class & principal Manard comes into the room. He asks you & me to step into the hall. He tells use that our dads boat exploded of the coast killing them both. My wail of grief can be heard through the whole school.

Holding me you calmy ask the principal if you can take me home & he nodes yes. On the drive home your face is like stone with no emotion show at all & I cry quietly curled up in my seat. At home you hold me in your lap until I stop crying. After a while I look & see that you have been crying to. I reach up and kiss you on the lips.

After the funeral Mr. Franklin our family laywer tells us that everthing go's to us the house, the cars & the $2'000'000 life insurance policy that both of our parents had on themselves from there work with the CIA. Neather of us are surprised by what he says because mom & dad had already told us all of it. So now my brother you are my guardian & my lover!

Jason you are my Knight in Shining Armor!

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