#fantasyhumor

[cookierunkingdomart]

When the warrior takes 3D too seriously

[esaberattarpodcast]

Wacky Dragon World (on Wattpad) https://www.wattpad.com/1553886596-wacky-dragon-world?utm_source=web&utm_medium=tumblr&utm_content=share_reading&wp_uname=esamyllyla1 When Finnian Flickerfoot's toaster explodes and his sock turns into a clue, he discovers his dull hometown hides a hilariously chaotic secret world. Guided by a scorch-marked compendium and pursued by magical mischief, Finnian must unravel the town's wildest mysteries-before everything from waffles to library ladders spin totally out of control. From 8+

[scatteredarchive]

Handwritten note found on a cluttered wooden table inside an abandoned cottage near the southern border woods.

Judging by the tone (and the threat about the coffee), likely left by a mentor to an apprentice.

The broom mentioned in the first line appears to be missing. So is the coffee.

[swordsup99]

When Gandalf went pink, he became Gandalf the Fabulous—casting spells and stealing hearts! ✨😂

[quillrosetellsstories]

Excerpt from Otherworld: Volume One

Cluck. Jo looked down, one foot raised. Underneath sat an orange and white chicken. It tilted its head at Jo’s foot, blinked beady black eyes, and clucked again. 

         “Is that-”

         “Roast!” A deep voice called. Surprisingly, the chicken answered. It flapped its wings as it went running down the path. The chicken named Roast squeezed between two fence posts to dutifully return to its owner. 

         “Sorry, we’re just passing through,” Jo called to him. 

         He put his hands to his pointed phyrra ears and yelled, “What?” 

         Jo walked closer. “We’re just passing!”

         “Oh, well welcome. I’m Kho, this is Roast.” Taller than most phyrra, Kho was only a couple inches shorter than herself. He had sandy chin length hair, honey colored skin, and dark freckles dotting his face. A wispy beard decorated his chin and jaw. His clothes were dirty and patched over, and his hands were closed around a pitchfork that he set to the side to scoop up Roast. Kho lifted the chicken’s wing gently, waving it up and down. 

         “Hm,” Maven grunted over Jo’s shoulder. “Never seen that before.”

         “Her brother Toast should be around here somewhere.” Kho looked around the yard, shading his eyes against the sun. 

         “Toast,” Lola echoed over Jo’s shoulder. 

Cluck.

A brown and black chicken looked up at Lola from behind her. Toast drew back his head and pecked at Lola’s ankles with all his might. When she shrieked, Jo had to cover her mouth to avoid laughing. Not everyone else on the team had the same courtesy.  Kho looked between them.  “Where are you all… from?” 

“We’re… well…” Jo trailed off, unsure how much to share with this random farmer. 

“We’re headed from Lekonis,” said Lola carefully, “towards Ipbo. We hear they’re debuting airboats for the holiday.” 

Kho looked between Glade sweeping their tail behind them to ward off attacks from Toast, and Iila, who was trying on her most winning, and most terrifying, grin. “Alright then.”

The sun beat hot on the farm. Animals were sheltering under woven awnings and lapping at water gratefully. Jo thought about her own empty canister. “Would you by chance have water for some friendly passersby?” 

Kho looked apprehensively at the weapons at their belts and slung across their backs. He shrugged and waved them forward. “Thought you wouldn’t ask.” He didn’t sound happy; in fact, Kho’s voice was trembling.

Follow my social media @https://linktr.ee/rose_tells_stories for more

[secretwebcomic]

HAPPY BOOK BIRTHDAY TO ME

Spellmonkeys book one: Tavern Rats is out today!

Tavern Rats is my love letter to old-school tabletop RPGs, and to the new generation of players who’ve discovered the hobby and made it their own. It’s diverse, casually queer, and full of joy (even when the characters themselves are miserable, which, I’m not gonna lie, is kind of a lot).

Go read the first chapter on my website for free! https://www.youngmark.com/tavern-rats-preview/

Or, just buy it? The paperback is $15 and the ebook is $5 (which means you can literally start reading it like three clicks from now if you are READY TO GO): https://amzn.to/3zfiW4q

[urfspace]

My webcomic #Pewfell continues its run on @webtoonofficial . First published online on ModernTales in the early 2000s, This is the third time I’ve re-run of the series. Previously it appeared on @theduckwebcomics and #comicsfury . Anyway, a new chapter starts today https://www.webtoons.com/en/challenge/pewfell/list?title_no=17112 . See more and buy the books @ Pewfell.com #webcomic #pewfell #fantasywebcomic #comicfantasy #fantasyhumor #swordandsorcery #epicfantasy #planeturf #dictator #spokesperson #publicrelations #publicspeaking #pr #pressconference #undersiege #siege #siegewarfare #presscorps #news #newsmedia #politics #politicians #truth #wizards #rpg #dnd #dndcomic #dndart https://www.instagram.com/p/CO3USR8hkRC/?igshid=1on7twq6d4g3w

[spazhouseintuitiveresearch]

A Ginnie Pig from the book “A Good Running Away” was just delivered by the author himself, Kevin Pettway. I won this fair and square. And Yes, I do live in a magical world. You can find his very humorous fantasy adventure novel on Amazon and Barnes and Noble. #fantasybooks #amazon #fantasyhumor #notgameofthrones #magical #spazhouse @kevinpettwayauthor #authorsofinstagram #gennie #pigsofinstagram #david #andywarhol #followforfollowback (at Riverside, Jacksonville) https://www.instagram.com/p/B7WkVtghcDZ/?igshid=hqfa6buwnhef

[scarytheeandmisery]

Did some magic-themed art cards for some of my magic buddies, including Saint Nicol Bolas, Carlos drawing Carlos, Angus 'beef' Mackenzie, Santa on his command tower, vizzerdrix bare skin on bear skin, and drag queen Tasigurrrl the Golden Thang . . . . . . . . #christmascard #artcard #artgifts #mtg #MagicTheGathering #mtgart #NicolBolas #santa #vizzerdrix #commandtower #adnauseam #tasigur #dragqueen #drawing #micron #fabercastellgreyscalebrushpens #fantasy #fantasyart #fantasyhumor #artistsoninstagram https://www.instagram.com/p/B6bf6UsH0Ez/?igshid=vsgsp1esq174

[unabashedwriterandreader]

Morning Coffee

“Jezus Kre-ISTE”  I hate serving gnomes.”

Kristi was muttering over the espresso machine again.  Her dreads were covered today, that was saying something.  Usually I had to make her bag it in a plastic hair net and even then the Health Department wouldn’t have liked it.  Still, it was hard to find good help, or any help for that matter this close to the Industrial Parks where all manner of fae, gnomes, gorgons, dwarves orcs and even demons worked.

“We live to serve.”  I pushed a stack of bourbon glazed cinnamon rolls into the display case, inhaling deep.  Sam, our resident Satyr and full time pastry chef had the touch.  Those rolls wouldn’t last two hours.  My mind was calculating price.  It was all supply and demand it was time to start pushing things up.  The shop needed the cash.

 There was a gargoyle that came in every morning at 10:00 and bought half of a tray for his breakfast.  He was a nice guy but he tended to drop the temperature in the room at least 10 degrees.  I had nicknamed him Chilly but wouldn’t have told him.  Nice is as nice does but you don’t want to piss off a gargoyle.  There were stories of people being smuggled out of their beds at night and a pattern of dusty rock footprints left after the body napping.  I think his name was Mason or  Marble or something like that.  Chilly was easier to remember.

“He brings in his own mug and makes me wash it.  Because he wants it sparkly when he drinks his morning Chai.  Seriously.”  Kristi, still complaining.

I reached over and snatched the mug.  It was actually a goblet, some kind of hammered metal with what looked like a giant ruby in the center.  I washed it quickly and was turning it over to examine it while I dried when the gnome piped up.

“Careful with the goods there Human.”  I smiled over the counter an looked down.  Fully bearded with the traditional red cap lagging to one side, the customer was very short and obviously grumpy.

“Beautiful workmanship on this.  One second and we’ll have it ready for you.”  I increased the wattage on my smile while Kristi poured the Chai into the gnomes go cup.  Or go goblet.  The gnome narrowed his eyes but the right side of his lip curled under the massive white beard.  Gnomes were easy, admire their craftsmanship and you were home free.  Cousins to the dwarves, although you weren’t supposed to point that out, they were skilled craftsmen with all manor of metal and swords.  They also made great landscapers but preferred their own design to keeping customers happy.  A tough sell in suburbia but a few of them survived.

“Have a great day!” Kristi received an extra buck on the tip for that but I noticed lately I was the only one playing nice with the customers.  Didn’t matter, I needed to keep her.  Even part time this shop didn’t run it’self.  We did well until after the lunch rush but for all intents and purposes we were a bakery and after 2:00 business was done for the day.  

Lately I’d worked myself into exhaustion.  Getting up at 4:30 to get the dough started and prepping for whatever meager servings we’d have for lunch.    I was going to have to cut the menu to one offering and hope the customers didn’t take it to hard.  THey’d have to placate themselves with pastry because I was running on fumes even with Sam doing everything he could to help me.

“I am NOT waiting on that Volva anymore either.  She smells bad.”

I sighed.  It was going to be one of those kinds of days and I was already tired.  “It’s not her fault she’s been dead over 500 years, that’s just the way volvas are made.”  I, personally, liked Karen even if she was mildly odiferous.  Personally, I thought the pixies were worse because they always broke something before they left what with all the racing around and chasing after each other.  

Kristi began to pout and tug at her dreads under her doo rag.  THey probably itched.

“Good morning ladies, any chance of getting a hot chocolate to go?  Extra whipped cream?”  The voice was so deep the glass in the display case began to rattle.  I turned and looked up into the glowing red eyes of Nick, a demon and a regular.

Nick scared the hell out of Kristi so she hustled back to the kitchen to hide.

“What else can I get for you Nick?”

“Mixie, I’ve told you before, don’t make offers to the underdwellers.  Some day I’m going to tell you what I want and you, my dearest human, will run screaming from the room.”

“You can’t have my soul Nick, I owe it to the landlord here and the bakery so it’s already taken.  And I”m maxed out on my credit cards so unless you want a pair of heavily used nike’s or my grandmother’s grocery store china, I got nothin’.”  I smiled at him and handed over the hot chocolate.

Nick, who was seriously good looking in that red skinned demon fashion, flashed fang at me and growled.  “Your soul is a pure as the driven snow Mixie and I would love to spend some time ruining it for you.  Face it.  You’d love it.”

I swiped Nick’s credit card and gave it back, still smiling.  “Not today Demon Spawn, not today.”

We had this conversation regularly.  And while Nick was ever so tempting, he was just that.  A Demon, so therefore, tempting.

By the lunch rush hour Kristi had gone home ‘sick’ with a case of the “I can’t wait on orcs, they stare at me like I’m fresh meat.” and I had to make do.

By 5:00 I was dead on my feet and the shop was wrapped up for the evening.  I walked up the stairs wearily to my loft over the bakery glad, once again, for the short commute.  I was asleep on the sofa 30 minutes later still smelling slightly of flour and espresso splatter since I’d made most of the drinks that day.

The phone woke me at 7:00 and I crawled to it trying to kick both shoes off and wriggle out of my filthy jeans knowing I needed a shower and something real to eat before I headed to bed.  At 8:00.  Like a good little human.  Ugh.

[ellwyn-autumn-blog]