#feeling sooo normal on this wednesday afternoon

[petedavidsonscock]

the wind whispers to us all and to me it’s whispering about luke and elliot dancing.

elliot and luke, at a sunborn wedding (there’s got to be like 10 of those a year), dancing together. elliot had ballroom dancing classes when he was a kid. luke was taught probably by his dad some slow day out at the fortress. the wedding is probably outdoors which elliot has been complaining about (it’s a lightly breezy spring day and flower petals keep drifting down from the trees and getting stuck in his hair. luke does not mention them at all or help pick them out which is a crass betrayal on his part) and now dusk has fallen and they’ve lit up the wedding tent (“does no one else see the problem here? canvas tent, three dozen torches? is everyone else fine with this? we are all going to die”) and elliot’s pulled luke onto the dance floor despite his reluctance.

“just one dance, loser, c’mon. imagine it like we’re sparring but there’s no dangerous objects involved or risk of death.” luke scowls. “so nothing like sparring, then.” but serene and golden are dancing and elliot will keep bugging him until he agrees so he says fine.

elliot lead and luke focuses on not tripping over himself. due to his natural athleticism and competence at all things movement-related, it only takes him a few minutes to get the steps down. his frown of concentration eases and he stops looking down at his feet and starts looking at elliot. and oh. oh. elliot is beautiful in the (hazardous) flickering lights. elliot is smiling at him, just slightly, so much love in that small curve of his mouth.

elliot is probably thinking about ten other things right now, the sunborns he’s talked to already and the ones he’s planning on talking to before the night is out (elliot treats all of luke’s family get-together like networking events), his work back at the fortress, his newest ambitious diplomatic project. but he’s here, too, looking at luke like he never wants to do anything else again.

“i love you,” luke whispers, and feels himself flush a little.

elliot’s smile shifts decidedly towards ‘amused,’ but he leans in to kiss luke anyway, eyes warm. “i love you too.”

[temporarymoods]

first blog!

yay I'm blogging. I'm 21 and I made a blog! maybe this will be good for me, I think. maybe I can keep doing things that are good for me.

🎶 I want sweet revenge / I want him again 🎶

So not true! (I tend to start diary entries with the lyric of a song that's stuck in my head-- especially cool if relevant.) But no, I'm single, and I don't feel particularly wanting of either vengeance or re-coupling at the moment, though the moment tends to be short and infantile. That being said, when I talk of the recent, it certainly is the most important thing, and, wouldn't you know, it takes a quite specific form, seemingly out of nowhere, which surely plans on vanishing within a bit. There we have the reason for this blog (see: name.) Digging in: something we should all be doing more, scraping art and thus pleasure out of our lives; momentarily my sole commitment, while it lasts, while anything does.

It rained today, and thinking about the water calls my attention to how crystal-clear things have been in and around my little being as of late. I told my therapist on Monday (tonight is Wednesday's) that perhaps, the good, long days I've met over the past week are the result of another hypomanic episode, not unlike the one in April which got me diagnosed with bipolar ii. She told me that, frankly, she wished I had never come across the term; I'm doing well, and nothing's wrong with that, and I should be proud of myself. She's right, of course. Consider the heinous acts of socializing, self-esteeming, sweating, and getting shit done--- not bad things, just what I've been wanting for so long!!* So maybe I'm unipolar (aka it's just depression lmao.) Fruitless conclusion? Methinks. Moods, each and every last one, still dominate me (ooh la la), and I won't turn my focus away from them now, as I'm just starting to write the perfect cheatsheet. TLDR I'm sensitive, perhaps not clinically, but does it matter?

🎶 My baby loves me, I'm so angry / Anger makes me a modern girl 🎶

Real. And complicated. While patriarchy has been sooo top of mind, along with an atypically roaring orange feminist fire in my heart, roughly shaking 'gender ideas' have been floating around my head, too. I suppose one of them floated through my fingers and called a hair salon yesterday afternoon. The spirit of gender must have simultaneously took over the air in my lungs and let me schedule a cut for Friday. And I'm so mad, at everything, more than normal; I think about the shape of misogyny, and I've somehow become re-appalled at so much, because there is so much, and it hurts, very actively--- maybe it's that things have come so up to surface recently, like I said, clear. But?B/c?And? When I get ready to be out in the world, and I'm there, taking time with reflective surfaces, I look at my face and I see something different than usual--- someone more me, suddenly present, too. I greet them, haha, hello! Who are you? And what will you look like with short hair? Maybe more like yourself, whoever that is, whatever we've been dealing with. I'm sorry I may have pushed you away for so long, but I promise that I'll get to you eventually, through the brush. Avoidance is something I am great at.

Not all of the time, though. Last Friday--the one that ended up too good it got me shaking in my refusing-to-take-my-prescribed-mood-stabilizers boots--I strutted (strat?) into the Disability Resource Center on campus, before noon, and I did something that I had been avoiding for ~500 days, something that haunted me day-in and night-out for truly that long. Here, I will not disclose what that was. But what matters is that it was stupid, meaningful to me in a way I would not wish upon anybody, and I cried on the T home, with relief and joy and a puff of laughter. And I did talk to real people about it, and only let out a couple tears the second time. Now I'm writing on the web about it, really putting it out there: I make mistakes! I am capable! I'm going to fucking graduate college!

*I recognize that it's a little sad to be so startled by the presence of my own well-being. But it's a true picture, and I am quite comfortable with it. :) There's a story I tell myself, about my life (and I'm sure I'm not alone in this)--- when it comes to the past couple of years, it's...rough! And that's okay, if only because it has to be. It's left me with certain inclinations, sure: My therapist (who is awesome, if so much is not already clear) tells me I get anxious about becoming anxious. Yeah. She also says stuff like it's 'safer to blame yourself than eyeing the system' [my note] which I think is rad. I appreciate her and her help in dismantling my black-and-white thinking. Thanks, Andrea!

🎶 I've got sun in my muthafuckin pocket, that's for sure 🎶

SorryNotSorry for not being able to get enough of Olivia Rodrigo's new album--- sue me! Can you be surprised, dear critical Kate follower, when I've been pulling so much existential peace from rewatching Pretty Little Liars at night and flourishing notably within my oft-adored bedroom? No, you cannot! And it is with this activity in mind that I close out my first blog post. Part of me wants this to sit and collect internet dust. Another part of me wants it to get like, max 3 notes (that's what they call likes on Tumblr, right?) If you're reading this, hi. So silly, so so silly.

Tastefully, Kate 9/13/23

p.s. super duper into a specific kind of indie music recently. playlist titled 'rememba' is a cookie jar.

[formulawonu]

begin again / mick schumacher

(i don’t own the gif! credits to the owner)

warnings: i dont think there are any??? kinda sweet thats it i think idk how to do these help

summary: you’re finally meeting mick a couple of months after your run-in with him at the grocery store. just talking to him about everything that’s happened in between the time you’ve split and now. perhaps something’s still there for you both?

a/n: sooo yeah clearly mick has been on my mind a lot these past few days loool might have gotten a bit carried away with the plot oops... but this is a continuation of my last blurb here! i’ve also been on a taylor swift binge these past few days so this one takes inspiration from her songs ‘begin again’ and ‘everything has changed’ :) most of the lyrics actually helped me write this so i recommend listening while you read through! but these lyrics spoke out to me: “but on a Wednesday/in a cafe/I watched it begin again” and “all I know is we said, "hello" / and your eyes look like coming home / all I know is a simple name / and everything has changed / all I know is you held the door / you'll be mine and I'll be yours” x enjoy and let me know if you have any requests in mind aaah

You can’t believe you’re here right now. You can’t believe Mick is sitting across you, ordering a cup of coffee and asking you what you’d like to have. You knew he would order an Americano and you can tell he asked you for your order simply for formalities because you always loved iced coffee and the amount of times he’d brought you a cup of it home before would forever condition him to remember your order. 

You watch him talk to the waiter, noting that he’s always had the habit of looking people straight in their eyes when speaking to them. That was one of the things you loved about him. Mick always made anyone feel important and seen — it was just how he was. He had such an amazing ability to make people comfortable because his eyes just let you know he genuinely cared about what you had to say. It always felt like whatever you were saying was the most important thing in this world. 

“So... How’ve you been?” He asks, flashing an awkward smile at you after the waiter had left you both alone. He’s still trying gauge how casual he could be and you don’t blame him. Everything just feels surreal to you. When Mick’s name popped up on your phone with a text message last Sunday night, you felt your heart skip a beat. He was going to be in town for a couple of days and wanted to catch up with you on the coming Wednesday. So normal. Like it was something you guys had regularly been doing. You smile at him. “I’ve been okay. Just focusing on tearing down the system or whatever.” He laughs at your joke, visibly relaxing a bit more. “How is the crazy circus doing?”

Mick easily launches into how hectic racing has been. He tells you all about how Guenther is still the same old intense Guenther constantly badgering everyone in the team and he tells you about his new teammate who seems easy to get along with. He talks about how exhilarating it was to score his first points a couple of races back and how he felt like he could breathe a little easier after doing so. He talks about the new friendships he’s made within the team and with the other drivers on the grid. Talking about his passion always made him relax and you knew he could talk about this for hours on end. While he’s talking, you can’t help but think about how natural this feels. Mick’s eyes alight with excitement and happiness, so infectious you feel yourself smiling every time he talks about something new in his life.

You both sit across each other for the rest of the afternoon, quickly falling back into how you both used to be. You could talk about literally anything with Mick because it was so easy to. It never felt boring or forced. Conversations with him were always so free-flowing, almost like you weren’t ever out of his life for a year and a half. You both take turns asking about different aspects of your lives. His family is doing great, still in Switzerland. Yours is doing fine too managing the family business. His dog, Angie is still extremely hyper and his favorite thing in the world. You started running in the morning to get in a bit of exercise everyday. He’s now super into breakfast bagels. You have a new appreciation for almond milk. You’re still single. He’s also single. Wait, what?

“I’m sorry?” You ask, needing to absorb what he’s just told you. “Yeah. She couldn’t really handle the extremities of what I was doing for a living. It frustrated her a lot. She wasn’t really a fan of racing.” You nod in understanding. Racing is a dangerous sport and you think about all of the times you would be extremely nervous watching Mick hop in his car or seeing an accident occur on track. “But it didn’t end on bad terms or anything. We both just thought it would be better if we could be friends.” “And how did that work out?” You joke, trying to lighten up the mood. You knew he was thinking about how you both had barely kept in contact after the both of your split. “Touché.” 

You both continue on talking, sidestepping any relationship talk after that. But it hung in the air, some sort of tension building its way up. You find that you were kind of wrong about not knowing him from the last time you saw him in the grocery. Mick was still the Mick you knew. Of course, there were the new things in his life but he was still the same guy you fell in love with. He still threw his head back when laughing at a joke. He still loved putting his phone away when he didn’t need to talk to anyone from work because social media wasn’t really his thing. He still easily responded to the back and forth banter you would always start. He still spoke the same way, with a lopsided smile with his dimple occasionally popping out. He still loved exploring cities and finding tiny nooks hidden in quiet streets. But you knew there were also still things you missed out on and didn’t know about.

Funnily enough, this little fact made you excited. You were excited to get to know him again. You wanted to get to know him again. You find yourself looking forward to the next time you would be able to just talk to him and laugh with him and just be in his presence again. You both decide to say goodbye right before dinner time. He had made a promise to his friend that he would have dinner with him while he was in town. He walks you to your car and you realize how much you missed being able to walk beside him. You easily fall into step with him, still talking aimlessly about whatever came to your minds at the moment. Everything kind of just felt right again. 

There’s so much you still want to tell him because who knew when you were going to actually do this again? You almost want to bring up how terrified you had been the first few months after you broke up because you thought Mick was going to be out of your life indefinitely. You knew the magical atmosphere that had surrounded you both for the afternoon was going to break if you did but it was kind of just eating at you. You almost forget that Mick knows you just as much as you know him. “It was so nice today. I love being able to catch up with you. I always cherish moments like this.” He says, as if knowing what you want to bring up. You glance at him and he’s already smiling at you. His eyes are full of understanding, telling you what words never could. He knows how difficult it was. He knows you both wish it didn’t turn out like it did then. “I really liked it too. Wish we could do it more often.” He nods and you continue to walk, falling into comfortable silence as you near your car. 

“Well this is me.” “I see that.” 

You stand beside your car, just smiling at each other. It felt like being teenagers on their first date, wondering how to say goodbye to each other. You try to take note of exactly how he looks right now so it could be another good memory to have in your heart. The wind pushing his jacket back, his hands in his pockets as he rocks back and forth on his feet. The sheepish smile he has on his face. “I’ll see you soon, I guess?” You say to him. “Don’t be a stranger!” He smiles and nods. He reaches to open your car door for you. As you step into your car, he says something else.

“Can I see you again before I leave?”

Your breath hitches in your throat and you kind of inwardly cringe at how quickly you turn back around and tell him you would love that. You’re barely able to see his expression before you’re enveloped into a hug. “I missed you a lot. It was really great seeing you.” He whispers. Things feel more intimate with him this close and you close your eyes, just trying to breathe in his familiar scent and remember how much of home this feels like. “I did too, Mick. I really did.” You both pull away from the hug and say goodbye (for real this time). Mick closes the door for you and you look at him through your rearview mirror as you drive away. He’s still standing there with his hands in his pockets, watching your car as far as he can to make sure you’re okay. 

The ride home has you smiling like an idiot the whole time. You think about everything you talked about that afternoon and how somehow it feels like everything has changed. You wouldn’t have thought yesterday that today would’ve gone like this. You thought it was going to be painfully awkward and the afternoon would mostly consist of uncomfortable silence and sips of coffee. It’s weird, but it feels like this is a new beginning for the both of you. A new chapter ready to be written. So you continue smiling, already excited for what’s to come. Because today was just a normal Wednesday and not much had actually happened aside from conversations but so much did too. You both found each other again in that small café. 

You were ready to begin again. 

[btsslowburnfic]

-The Arrangement- Chapter 1

Summary: Desperately in need of money, you answered the questionable add. AKA-Arranged marriage AU featuring Y/N and Yoongi.

Chapter summary: Let’s meet our lovely [Y/N]. Every good story starts somewhere. Buckle up for the next few months babes <3 

Chapter 1

“Nope, sorry, I have to get to my other job.” You politely declined getting after-work drinks with your colleagues like usual. It was nice of them to still invite you even though you never said yes. 

You excused yourself to the company restroom. Out with the office worker, in with the bartender. You switched shirts, put your hair up in a ponytail, and applied heavier make-up. You'd switch out your skirt when you got to the club. As dumb and gross as it was, you always made more money when you wore your questionably short shorts. Oh well, money is money. 

You sent a quick text to your brother to make sure he and your sister got to your aunt's apartment and then headed for the station. Ok. How much money do I need to make tonight? You asked yourself as you opened the banking app. You mentally calculate the amount needed to feed your siblings, pay for the bus, and utilities. Ugh Maybe Park Minho will let me stay for him tonight. He usually wanted to get out of work early to go hang out with his friends. You would be ok this week if you stopped taking the bus and ate more ramen and less real food. You sighed. You were so tired.

You walked through the black glass doors of Club Tokki. There were only a few customers right now and you immediately went to see if anyone had made coffee. Work coffee=free coffee. Luckily for you, Lisa, the woman who worked the day shift almost always needed an extra dose of afternoon caffeine and there was still enough for a cup.

“Hey doll!” Lisa greeted you. “Here, I brought some milk in as well,” she said as she poured the coffee for you.

“You are a lifesaver. Thank you so much.” You gratefully took the mug, warming your hands. 

“No problem, do you need me to do anything before I leave? I’m going to close out with those two groups first.” She asked as she rinsed off some pint glasses.

You assessed the bar looking to see what you might need over the next few hours. “Yeah, ask the bar-back to get two more bottles of Goose and a bottle of Crown. We usually go through those on Wednesdays. And maybe cut a few limes and lemons. Thanks.” You took the coffee with you to the small office and finished changing clothes. Lisa was a student so she shared your need for thrifty living, coffee, and work. You didn’t have many friends, but you knew you could count on Lisa for caffeine and getting the bar prepped. 

You walked back out to the bar, mentally preparing yourself for the night ahead. In a few minutes people like your office coworkers would stream in, treating each other to after work drinks, socializing, and networking. You used to wonder if your circumstances were different if you would be the type of person who went out after work and socialized with their colleagues. You had come to the realization that “no” you wouldn’t. You would probably go home and sleep. Maybe read. You sighed and shimmied behind the bar as Lisa started to count down the drawer. "Alright, I asked the barback for the alcohol and there's 2 cups of lines and lemons." 

"Thanks a lot babe. See you tomorrow." you waved at her and started to move stuff around to where you liked it. 

"Happy money making." she smiled and headed out. 

As predicted about half an hour later, office workers start to show up and the bar is slowly starting to fill up. Club Tokki is known for its laid back vibe so it's mostly beers and "and" drinks. Whisky and coke. Vodka and soda. Occasionally there were some younger girls here that ordered the more complicated drinks. But you got those out as well; this wasn't the first bar you'd ever worked at, just the latest incarnation. And just like that, the night starts to speed up. Minho arrives two hours into your shift for the after-dinner rush.

“Just in time dude,” you greeted him as he walked behind the bar.

“What do you need?” He asked as he clocks in for the night. 

“The bar is caught up if you want to go check section one. Shinhye has the rest of the floor.” You instructed him and used this opportunity to catch up on cleaning dishes. You caught one of the guys at the end of the bar staring at you. He was definitely good looking, and stood out with his expensive suit, silver hair, and strong facial features. Whatever. As long as he tips. You were not looking for a boyfriend. Or a hookup. You cringed at the thought of even trying to navigate dating between your work schedule and also living with your Aunt as a grown ass woman. You shook your head like it would get rid of the thought. Satisfied with the current state of the bar you took a minute to drink some water and scan the club. There were worse places you could work for sure. 

Minho came back to the bar and asked you to make some shots while he grabs some beers. Grape bombs? Is this 2012? You resisted the urge to gag, having gotten sick on them when you were younger. You placed the drinks on his tray and checked the bartop once again.

Mr. Expensive Suit dimple-face was nursing a Goose and soda. “You doing ok?” you asked him as you made your way down the bar. 

“I’m great. Thanks. What’s your name?”

“[Y/N]” you responded and started to move on to your next guest. 

“This is the part where you ask my name.” he said arrogantly. Suddenly you did not care for him as much.

“Is it? I’ve never talked to someone in a bar before. I didn't realize there was a script.” you responded sarcastically. You hated it when guys thought they could manipulate you. 

“Wow. Ok. Ok. Hard to get. I respect that. I’m Kim Namjoon.” 

“Ok Mr. Kim, is there anything else I can get for you right now?” you asked, oh so sweetly.

“No. I’m good for now.” he said, laughing to himself. He shook his head incredulously and sipped his drink.

Well maybe you weren’t going to get tipped after all. Oh well. 

The rest of the night was mostly a blur. The vodka special brought in quite a few people and you ended up going through four bottles of Goose. Mr. Kim Dimples remained, nursing only his second drink now and still staring at you even though he was trying hard to not look like he was staring. It was awkward. He was hot but sooo not your type. Which you thought you had made clear.

“Mr. Kim, are you sure you even like Goose and soda?” you teased him as you made another round checking on people. 

“You know, I am more of a beer drinker myself, but I can’t pass up a good vodka special.” he leaned to the side, getting out his wallet, and pulled out a business card.

“[Y/N], I’d like for you to take this.” he stuck it between his index and middle finger, holding it out for you to take.

“I am flattered, Mr. Kim, but I’m not interested in anything like that.” you smiled politely. 

He rolled his eyes at you.  “Believe me, I’m not asking you on a date. You are so not my type,” he said with an air of disgust. As though he was repulsed that you would have even thought he would consider asking you out. “This is a job opportunity. I work for a talent agency of sorts.”

Wow. What a dick. “Oh yeah? What talent do you see?” you gesture to yourself. “I do pour some stiff drinks and can usually tell rude guys to fuck off with a smile on my face.”

To your surprise he just laughed. “You are very funny. And I suppose some people would find you attractive. Just take the card. I think you’re the best candidate I’ve found yet.” he stood up and put on his suit jacket, sitting the business card down on the bartop.

“Rude.” you casually said, crossing your arms in front of your chest.

"Well, it makes no difference to me if you accept or not. Regardless, there it is." He gestured to the card, and sat down way too much money on top of it. "Keep the change." He turned and left.  

You didn’t end up closing for Minho; the two of you both stayed since it remained steady through closing time. You were weirded out by the conversation with Mr. Kim, but having worked in a bar for the past 7 years, it wasn't the weirdest thing that had ever happened to you. You threw  the business card into your purse and forgot about it for the rest of your shift.

The remainder of the night passed without incident. As much as you disliked it, that weirdo's money helped make sure you could take the bus again the next few days. You stuffed your tips into your purse and walked home. Well. To your aunt's house. It didn't really feel like home. Just a temporary landing spot until you and your siblings could get your own place again. 

You entered quietly and washed your hands. You dutifully went through your siblings school bags, making sure their supplies and homework were where they should be. You packaged their lunches as much as you could and started a fresh batch of rice for tomorrow. All mostly in the dark so you didn't wake anyone up. Your brother was sleeping on the couch, which you hated, but he insisted on it. You were sharing the guest bedroom with your sister and your niece.

You grabbed your laptop and curled up in the corner of the kitchen to not bother anybody. I’m a 27 year old loser hiding on the floor of my Aunt’s apartment in the middle of the night. I have to wake up in 5 hours for my other job and instead I’m going to look up a website that some weird ass rude hot guy at a bar gave me. Why is this my life? You thought, and yet you pulled out the business card and entered the link. It took you to a black website with a white box asking for a code. You flipped the card over, and there it was, handwritten. You type it in and wait for the website to load, convinced it’s going to be some weird porn site with fisting or crush videos. You almost cover your eyes but to your pleasant surprise it’s a normal website. 

Seeking: a suitable adult woman for long-term companionship. Will be well compensated. Serious inquiries only. 

The text continued: If you are on this website, congratulations. You have already presented the basic level qualifications for this position. 

Ok. So maybe this was an escort service. Which I mean...if it paid better than both of your jobs and you didn’t have to have sex with people maybe you could. No. No. You talked yourself out of it and scrolled down to read more of the description,

Requirements:

Female between the ages of 20 and 40.

Flexibility in schedule

Desire to travel and attend events

Strong personality and interpersonal skills

Proficiency with Microsoft Excel and Word 

Punctuality, attention to detail, and strong organizational skills

Desired but not necessary

Non-smoker/drinks alcohol socially

Like animals 

Enjoy listening to music 

Compensation:

Position requires relocation to on-site premises and therefore covers room and board. 

Monthly stipend (click here for more information pertaining to taxes)

3 meals a day, beverages, and snacks included

Most escort services didn’t require proficiency in Microsoft Word or Excel...you were guessing. Maybe it was a legit job. Like an on-site event planner? You clicked the link contained in compensation and HOLY SHIT THAT WAS A LOT OF MONEY. 

You bit your lip and pulled up your resume. It couldn’t hurt to submit it, right? You didn’t have much to update since you had just started your office job 3 months ago. You updated the resume to include that job and listed your address as Club Tokki’s in case this was actually a sex trafficking set up. You thought about it for a another minute and then uploaded the document, took a deep breath, and hit “send.” NEXT CHAPTER

TAGS: @lidda​

[yourcoffindoor]

Paper Pushers

Pairing: Gerard Way x Reader

Summary: This is a fluff/angst fic that ended up longer than I was anticipating. You work in the same office as Gerard, but you’ve never really noticed him until you end up working together on one of your assignments. Pre bullets era. Feedback is welcome!

Word Count: 1,787

If you had to scan one more document, you were going to go insane. Somehow the role of administrative assistant meant ‘dump any work you don’t want to do on me’ to every other employee in the office, and since you were relatively new and friendless, you didn’t quite have the courage to say no.

The task of archiving all documents from ‘97 to '01 was monumental, and despite your best efforts, the boxes of unorganized paperwork seemed to multiply each day. It was also isolating—until it was complete you spent 5 out of your 8 hour days trapped alone in the archiving room. You were just about ready to create an imaginary friend when someone gently knocked on the archiving room door one Wednesday morning.

“Come in!” you shouted from behind a mountain of paperwork, hoping desperately that  it wouldn’t cause an avalanche and bury you alive in sheets of A4.

The door opened, and the dark haired boy from a few cubicles down, Gerard, poked his head in. “Y/N?” he called out.

“Follow my voice!” you shouted jokingly, “And leave a trail of breadcrumbs or you’ll never find your way out again.”

You heard him laugh softly as he approached, and before you knew it he was right in front of you.

“I finished some of my other work early and thought I might be able to help. Judging by your comments, you could use the extra hand.”

You looked up at him to respond, but got caught off guard and paused. You never really noticed just how pretty he was, and you couldn’t help but admire his round hazel eyes and the thick dark lashes that seemed to frame them perfectly.

“Um. I’d love that.” you said, your sudden nerves making you noticeably less eloquent.

He smiled. Shit. His smile made him look even better. Why were you just noticing this now?

“Awesome. Tell me where I can start so I don’t royally fuck things up for you.”

You pointed to an open box to your left. “You see those papers there? They need to be sorted into planned or reactive work-orders.”

Gerard eyed the formidable stacks that awaited him and tucked a stray strand of black hair behind his ear. “I think I can handle that.”

 “Sorry you got stuck helping with all of this,” you said after a few minutes of silence, “I know there’s probably other things you’d rather be doing.”

“Don’t sweat it. Besides,” he said in a soft, almost bashful voice, “I uh, asked if I could help you out.”

You felt a blush settle on your cheeks, but you played it off. “I don’t blame you. I mean, who could resist the fast-paced thrills of paper filing.”

He laughed, making you wonder if it was possible to get addicted to someone’s smile. It had only been a few minutes but you couldn’t get enough of it.

You and Gerard spent the next hour getting to know each other, and every week afterwards you looked forward to his appearances. He would stop in whenever he was free, and you talked and laughed so loudly that you worried what other people outside the archiving room must be thinking.

He told you about his family and his brother Mikey, as well as his dreams of doing something important with his life, the possibility of staring a band, and his love of comic books.

“Hey listen,” Gerard said one afternoon after sorting through a stack of ledgers, “are you going to that after work drinks thing on Friday with a few other people from the office? I don’t usually, but I thought it might be nice to hang out outside of this room.” He looked down at his shoes, rubbing the back of his neck nervously.

Normally you would pass on a work outing, since it would almost guarantee awkward small talk, but you weren’t about to say no to more time with Gerard.

“I’d like that a lot.  Where and what time?”

“Cloudland at 6:30. I’ll save you a seat.”

“I’ll be there.”

*** *** ***

You rushed straight home from work on Friday, and spent so long getting ready to meet Gerard that you didn’t have time to eat dinner. Or maybe you were too nervous to eat, you weren’t entirely sure.

Once you made it to Cloudland, you scanned the busy venue for any sight of your coworkers. You spotted Gerard sitting at a large booth with a few other colleagues, and he waved you over.

“You made it!” His face lit up with a wide but crooked smile.

“Just in time for Janice’s amazing vocals.” you said, looking over to the small karaoke stage where Janice from HR was drunkenly delivering her off-key rendition of 'I Will Always Love You.’

“You look nice,” he said, grabbing you a beer, “you should get out of the archiving room more often.”

“You clean up pretty good yourself.” You teased back, and you felt butterflies as he peeked at you through a stray strand of hair that covered one of his hazel eyes.

You spent the evening  drinking and talking, forgetting that not only had you not eaten, you were a notorious lightweight when it came to alcohol. And the more beer you drank, the bolder you became.

“You should get up there,” you blurted to Gerard as another inebriated singer finished screeching onstage, “You should sing. You told me you wanna start a band right? Show me whatcha got!”

There was no denying you were very drunk as you playfully punched Gerard in the arm. He protested initially, but got up to appease you when he realized resistance was futile.

Once on stage, the strobe lights on the ceiling painted him a rainbow of colors, making him even more beautiful. Gerard cleared his throat into the mic.

“This one’s dedicated to Y/N,” he said with a wink, pointing in your direction. “She’s the one who made me do this, so if you don’t like my voice, she’ll be handling all complaints.”

The familiar sound of 'Life on Mars’ began to play. As Gerard began to sing, you were shocked by just how good his voice was, and how natural he looked onstage, as if he was meant to do this. As he hit the chorus, he made eye contact with you, and a realization hit you like a truck. You loved this man.

Sure, you thought he was funny and cute from the moment he walked into the archiving room, but there was no denying what you felt tonight. And you were drunk enough that you were going to let him know.

Gerard finished the song to a smattering of hoots and applause, and left the stage. You shot up out of your chair a little too quickly as he approached the table, and he rushed to help you maintain your balance as you wobbled like a newborn deer.

“Woah, I think that’s enough drinks tonight.”

“Hey that was amaaaaazing!” you slurred excitedly.

Despite his concern at your state of sobriety, he was also clearly amused. “You sure? Or is that just he booze talking?”

Your eyes widened. “Honest! But listen. I really needa tell you somethin’. Can we go outside?”

Gerard nodded, putting your arm through his. “Some fresh air would probably be a good idea.”

The two of you found a quiet corner on the balcony, and you wasted no time in making your confession.

“So what’s on your–”

“I love you.”

A muted expression crossed Gerard’s face, but you weren’t in the right state of mind to decipher it.  Was it surprise? Embarrassment?

“Y/N, I–”

“I have for awhile, but I didn’t know it till now.” you interrupted. You didn’t want him to speak. You were afraid now, afraid of what might come out of his mouth. “And you’re so talented  and a good singer and you need to follow your dreams, OK?” you implored without taking a breath, and you wavered back and forth like a sheet of paper in the wind.

Gerard opened his mouth to speak. This was it, you thought. This is where I get let down easy.

“I need to tell you something too.”he said softly.

And then you vomited.

Right before Gerard was about to respond, you hunched over and spewed on the ground, splattering his white converse sneakers. You could feel tears of embarrassment well up in your eyes.

“I am sooo sorry!”

Gerard put an arm around your shoulder. “You alright? How bout I help get you home.”

You nodded pathetically, and he gathered your belongings.

*** *** ***

You could remember Gerard helping you get into bed, and found a glass of water and aspirin beside you when you finally woke up. You groaned as your head pulsed and downed the pills, hoping they’d take care of your regrets too.

Gerard didn’t contact you all weekend, and you were too afraid to reach out. Instead, you hoped that you could go back to what you had before.

Come Monday, you found yourself once again entombed in the archiving room. Hours went by before you heard a familiar knock on the door.

“Y/N.” Gerard’s voice was gentle and hesitant, as if he were afraid you might break. “How’s that head of yours?”

You smiled, relieved that he made a joke. Maybe we can go back to the way things were after all.

“Fully recovered thanks to your valiant efforts. Thanks for your help.”

“My shoes send their regards, by the way.”

You cringed before laughing dismissively. “Yeah, I have a few regrets from that night. Things I did,” you averted your eyes, looking at the ground, “things I said.”

“Hopefully not everything.” Gerard sounded crestfallen.

You got up out of your chair and starting shuffling papers in an attempt to quell your anxiety. 

“I hope things don’t have to change between us.” you said in a low voice,your throat starting to ache.

“I think they have to now.” he said, and you turned your back to him as you felt yourself fighting back tears.

You felt a hand on your shoulder. “Hey, look at me,” Gerard said, voice calm but serious. He turned you to face him. “You didn’t let me respond that night.” 

“Well?” you said, bracing yourself for impact, “let’s hear it.”

Gerard wiped a tear away from your face, placed a finger under your chin, and gently raised your head. Suddenly, his lips were on yours. Butterflies returned, fluttering wildly in your stomach. 

He broke away after a moment and smiled. “I didn’t want you to be drunk when I did that.” 

You basked in the wave of relief that washed over you. “So I guess things really can’t go back to the way they were before Friday.”

He wiped another tear from your face. “Afraid not.” 

“Good,” you said, leaning in for another kiss, “I wouldn’t want it any other way.”

[thedistantstorm]

Come Together 06

Fandom: Destiny

Pairing: Devrim Kay/Marc

Warnings: less smut, angst, homophobia, domestic violence (mentioned) I’m so sorry guys, there is some actual plot happening and I’m cruel.

“A young city planner set his eyes on an older militiaman. He was unkempt and terribly forward. The militiaman had class. He wasn’t interested.”

“Clearly,” Marc tells their friends. “That’s why they decided to get married.”

(A story told in bits and pieces.)

Chapters: 01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05

-/

Their first fight comes five months into their relationship. And unlike previous relationships and partners past, it’s not some meaningless lovers quarrel over who’s turn it was to do something or plan a date.

It was bound to happen eventually: Marc’s mother running into them on the street, in the market, bright and early one Saturday morning. This had slowly become part of their weekly routine, heading down from one of their places, getting groceries and produce, and then cooking together in the evening.

But Marc had made a fatal error, withdrawing from Devrim’s arm as though he had the plague, introducing his mother, Esther, to Devrim. Introducing Devrim to her - as one of his good friends. Devrim was certainly cordial, very much his usual brand of polite and charismatic, and the conversation itself went off without a hitch. Well, almost.

“And your lady friend? Margaret, you said?”

“Oh,” Marc answered, his willing his face to remain neutral before sighing, lying through his teeth, “Yeah. She’s great. We’re very happy together.”

“You’ll have to bring her to dinner. We haven’t seen her in forever.”

“Her work keeps her away, as I’ve told you. She’s always so busy, I hardly get to see her, myself.” Panic lances through him, but it’s not himself he’s worried about.

His lies cut through Devrim far sharper than any knife.

“Pardon my interruption, but I believe I’ve forgotten a prior engagement,” Devrim had lied, excusing himself just as Marc’s mother - a similarly bronze skinned woman with long, sun-kissed hair - was chastising her boy for not calling home as much as she liked, “You’ll have to excuse me,” He’d said, handing Marc their groceries. 

Marc looked at him in mounting concern, but Devrim’s eyes were dark. Closed off. If he knew Devrim was furious, he didn’t let on, only nodding at key points in his mother’s monologue, watching his partner’s back as he walked briskly down the street.

The very moment his mother let him off - on the promise that he’d call sometime during the week, he all but ran back to Devrim’s flat. The door was unlocked. Perhaps it wasn’t-

His overnight bag was packed and sitting in the doorway. Devrim would even not look at him, his eyes gazing at the wall across from his couch, hands shaking, wrapped around a mug of tea. 

“Take your things and leave.”

“It’s not-”

“Now.”

-/

Devrim isn't at his post the following Monday. All of Marc's messages go unanswered. He needed to see him face-to-face. This wasn't a conversation - a situation to explain over messaging. 

He knew it was doubtful that Dev would be in their usual booth during their lunch hour, yet he still makes a point to look anyway. He checks the entire seating area to make sure that his sniper isn't sitting elsewhere, trying to throw him off. Devrim isn't. Marc will have to try again tomorrow.

By Wednesday, he goes to Devrim’s flat. Stands there for over an hour, like an idiot, knocking every so often. He doesn’t hear any sound inside, and resolves that he must not be in there. Which is strange. Devrim is always home on Wednesday nights. They show some history special he adores - Marc has taken to falling asleep against him while he gushes about Golden Age pyrotechnics and battle strategies.

By Thursday, he’s brave enough to approach the Militia officer who always stands opposite of Devrim in the mornings. Before he can get a word out, she smiles apologetically. “Devrim asked me not to speak with you if you came looking for him,” She informs him tightly.

“Is he alright?”

“I really shouldn’t say.”

“I did something stupid. He must think-” Marc shakes his head. “I’m awful. I just… even if he’s done with me, I want to explain.”

The woman looks him over carefully. “Wait. You did something?”

“I-I’m sorry?” Marc tilts his head, eyebrows knitting closer in his confusion. He composes himself. “Yes. I was an idiot. I handled a situation very poorly.”

“Wow. Uh, okay.” The militia-woman adjusts her hat, tucking a stray lock of dark hair behind her ear. “Honestly, I thought he broke up with you.”

“What?” That makes his heart leap into his throat like nothing else. Certainly he considered it a rather heavy possibility, and really, this whole thing could have been avoided if he’d just told Devrim. But until he had the opportunity to explain himself, he was desperately trying to pretend like that wasn’t the most likely outcome of the situation. For his own sanity.

The woman rambles on, ignorant of his internal struggle. “Well, I mean, you’re getting to the whole committed stage. Devrim doesn’t do commitment. Nothing ever hurts him. He just doesn’t get that attached, y’know? It’s weird for a guy so polite, but I guess that’s why he’s always so mellow.” She waves a hand. “Anyway. This changes things. Maybe he’ll actually get his act together and want to marry you.”

“We’ve only been seeing each other for a couple of months!” Marc exclaims. He’s relatively certain the higher possibility lies with him being excommunicated than marriage at this rate.

The woman pats his shoulder, laughing nervously. “Shh, keep it down! Look, my CO would be pissed if he saw me talking to you. Just… meet me at the combini at noon, okay? I know where he is.”

Marc nods. “Okay,” He says. “I-” He sighs. “Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it. Seriously. Dev will be sooo mad at me.”

-/

Marc has met Devrim's partner for Tower patrol duty before. Zara is a bit brash, talks before she thinks, but really does mean well. Devrim is fond of her in the way one was of a little sister. She dips into the chair across from Marc as though she's in a hurry. 

"Here's the deal. He showed up Monday and volunteered for an assignment. They sent him out on the first rover headed for Old Russia. I didn't even know they sent us there, but apparently this was some Vanguard assistance thing. He'll be back tomorrow morning." She pauses. "Running away is kind of his thing. Man's afraid of his own feelings, I think." 

She pulls a drink from her pack, and Marc pushes his container of fries closer to the center of the table. She shoves a few in her mouth around saying, "Look. Usually I'm sitting here with him, telling him he should be talking through his breakups. My track record is way worse than his and I actually want to settle down. Anyway," She flops a fry in her hand, conversationally, "Usually he's the one who messes up. Forgets a date on purpose, then sends you a breakup message so polite you're thanking him before you know he's left you in the dirt. It's savage."

"But that's not what happened."

"Yeah," Zara says. "So what did happen?"

"My mother." He sighs, continuing before he loses his nerve. "She's not… she doesn't know I'm attracted to men."

"Exclusively?"

He rubs his left temple, hazel eyes tired and red. "Does it matter?" He sighs. "I introduced Devrim as a friend."

Her jaw hangs. "Shut up."

"What?"

"He did that to the last guy he was with. Or maybe the one before that? I can't remember. Wow, karma is a bitch." Zara leans back, watching Marc's expression sober. "Sorry, sorry, continue."

"My parents think I'm seeing this woman named Margaret. It's just… better, that way. Keeps Mother from nosing around in my business, makes her and my father think I'm on the straight and narrow.

"No." Zara looks at him, like there's something on his face. Staring almost hard enough that it hurts. "Oh. My. Light."

"Yeah."

"So he thinks-"

"Yeah."

"I gotta hand it to you. You really fucked this up."

"Definitely. I think he's gonna dump me."

"I wouldn't be so sure." She examines a fry before popping it in her mouth. "He's got no problem sending a breakup message." She doesn't explain the part where he'd seemed almost desperate to get sent out on an op, or the way his usual neutral, polite expression was saddened and not even the squad's teasing could cheer him up. "I think he needs some space to figure himself out. And I think you need to figure out your next step."

"Next step?"

"You gonna let your folks think you're seeing a woman named Margerie?"

It's Margaret, but Marc doesn't bother correcting her. He gets the point. "I mean-"

"Let's assume it goes well: you explain, Dev forgives, yada yada. You gonna live like this forever?" Her expression turns soft. "I wouldn't think you're here because you want to see it end."

"I'm not."

She smiles. "Good. Devrim will be back tomorrow before noon. He has afternoon rota with me. I'd try and catch him afterwards." She probably pulls the container over to herself, picks it up, and slides out of the booth. "Thanks for the fries."

Marc nods. Normally he'd be upset, but he'd hardly had any himself. Surely Zara can see the gears turning in his brain.

-/

Devrim spends his week doing what he knows best: fieldwork. Assisting Guardians in translating and understanding Fallen transmissions, using those to determine and rig their bases for detonation. Sniping the stragglers from afar while the Guardians dance about like elegant death - and dancing - machines.

He keeps busy. It helps clear his mind. Helps him re-establish his footing. Gives him time to analyze without obsessing. Not that he's obsessing, no. He's not that type, but… If it were really bothering him that much.

Which, it clearly is, as much as he'd like to admit otherwise. It's not until the convoy is on it's day-long expedition home that he lets himself think about what he knows from Marc's conversation with his mother.

At the time, all he'd been able to think about was this other person she'd mentioned, vehemently trying to ramp down the hurt at not being introduced as his partner, which-

Really, that was a whole other thing entirely, and Devrim had already laid awake at night plenty thinking about why that bothered him so. He might be fussy about entering relationships, and selective about who he keeps around, but he's not the type to fall in love. He's kind and doting, sure, but when it comes to forever he's paralyzed, afraid of making an irreversible, incorrect choice.

And yet, he was unmistakably hurt when Marc didn't tell his mother they were together. Normally, it would be a win-win. This was… 

Right. Getting his brain back on track, he thinks back to the conversation. All of Marc's cues, his body language. They were easily discernible as someone trying to cover up a lie, and no doubt, Marc was lying, but the lie itself was up for debate.

And now that he wasn't so livid he thought he'd scream, he supposed they needed to talk.

-/

A hand grabs him as he's headed into work. He's late, but it's better than nothing. "No. Oh no you don't. You look like you're going to keel over. Sit down."

A half-drank cup of coffee is pressed into his hands, and his rear immediately feels the cold of the concrete sinking in. He sighs, feeling his chest rattle with it.

"What happened?"

He doesn't answer that, instead asking, "Won't the squad be mad if they see me talking to you?"

"Whatever. I'm not wearing yesterday's clothes and look like I'm having an allergic reaction." She looks around. The man who stands opposite her and isn't Devrim shakes his head. "Zara, you know how you never understand why you get in trouble?"

"Can't leave someone who needs help. You know me," She grins, shrugging. "Not my style."

He looks up into deep brown eyes, flecked amber in concern. "I'm fine."

"Right, and I'm Ikora Rey."

"She's a Warlock, and I've never seen you both in the same place. Might be true," Comes the call of the other militiaman.

"Ha ha, Mitchell." She rolls her eyes, crouching down in front of Marc, so they're closer, whispering, "You've been crying. What happened?"

"I told my folks."

She rises, swift and serious. "I'm taking my lunch early," She announces. "Cover me."

"Zar-"

"I know, I know.  I'll owe you one." She winks.

-/

It takes the younger patrolwoman until the end of the day to talk to him. She's surprisingly attentive to her duty instead of mouthing off at him and chattering about every new weapon released by the bigger foundries. She caves though, like a guilty child, eventually holding his gaze.

"You're gonna be pissed at me," Zara says.

The brim of his uniform hat makes his eyes look exceptionally blue. He narrows them at her and she squirms. "I take it you've meddled while I was away?"

"Uh, a bit," The female officer admits, nervously.

"You're uncomfortable. How much is a bit, exactly?"

"A bit," She grits back, before looking him dead in the eyes. "How much do you like him?"

"A bit," He quips, unable to tell if there’s a tease in there or if she’s being serious. She’s acting suspiciously.

Crossing her arms, she asks, "Even though he lied to his mother?"

Serious, then. He adopts a warning tone. "Zara-"

She interrupts. "Answer the question. If you thought he cheated on you, this would have been cut and dry."

He waits for passers by to be out of earshot before answering, "Why does it sound like you're on his side?"

"Okay. First of all, I didn't think he was going to listen to me. But apparently he's serious about you. So if you're not serious about him, I want to know so I can do damage control."

"Come out with it," Devrim snaps, a sinking feeling in his gut. "What did you do?"

"We talked. He explained what had happened, that his folks aren't exactly… let's say kosher with him being interested in men. I might have said something about how if he wanted to be serious with you, that meant embracing it, even if they'd be unhappy."

His jaw tics. "And?"

"Yeah." She makes a concerning face. "Wasn't kosher at all." Zara looks up at him. "They, weren't good to him. He said he knew it wouldn't go well, but he didn't think they'd be so extreme."

"Extreme, how?"

"Whoa, whoa, calm down, Kay. I can feel the murderous rampage-"

He crosses the cobblestone walkway, to be at a more conversational distance apart. She almost wishes he’d stay back, because him yelling is far less intense than the drop in his tone and his focused attention. "I will not. Explain yourself."

"I took my break early. Walked him to his flat for some clothes, then dropped him off at mine. Everything's wrecked. He called them last night, it went south, they invited themselves over. He'd left when they started throwing things and having a tantrum. Really childish of them, if you ask me."

His hands find her shoulders, decorum the only thing preventing him from shaking her. "Tell me he's unharmed."

Zara pats his scruffy cheek. "You do have it bad," She marvels. "Physically, he's fine."

[just-anka]

Last one I promise!

Did my long run on Wednesday because it's the only day I have off from the lab this week, so I thought I could use the run to shut off my brain a bit in the morning then work on thesis in the afternoon. I picked a route with significantly more downhill than uphill to give my body a bit of a break, but still kept it really slow and walked quite a bit. It took me ages to get settled into a rhythm but when I finally did it was so blissful.

Also what the hell was this weather :'D sooo misty out in the peaks. These trails normally don't feel very remote or wild but the fog gave them a completely different feel. And that waterfall that I essentially had to ford is normally a tiny stream. It rained quite a bit at the beginning of this week, clearly.

The rest of the day then didn't quite go to plan because I was super tired after this, but at least I enjoyed the run haha. I'm going to parkrun tomorrow morning because I'm for once not long running on a Saturday, and there's a vegan runners meet up I want to attend. Might try and go for a speedy one if I feel like it but considering I've run 48 km in the last 4 days (which is a lottt for me) I might not feel it 🤣

[stingray-stories]

Day 17 7/14

Hi there! This morning I did a quick workout then headed to the galley for some yummy breakfast. After that we had a community day which happens every Wednesday. For this, we have this whole crew do one big task together. Today, we cleared the entrance to North beach which had some debris and coconut palm trunks laying in the way from a big tear down project that happened the day before. Our group of 13 made quick work of the area and we were finished in about an hour. Later in the morning, Ben and I got some more lagoon boat training. I drove the boat all the way to our first destination at Eastern Lagoon. We practiced clicking the engine up (to avoid damaging the reef and rudder) and driving in really shallow waters. It was nerve racking but the water we were practicing on was a lot shallower than it would be when we go out on our own so it was good to get a feel for how much space we had even at a lower tide. On an atoll like Palmyra, planning with the tides is really really important since there are lots of shallow areas and sensitive organisms. After getting some good practice picking the engine up and putting it down (I have to use my whole body weight to do this haha) we headed back and explored along the East-west causeway and the Fighter strips. As we got closer to camp, Ben and I switched so I could practice docking. It did not go well haha. When entering the dock, there are 2 big boats in the dock area that you need to avoid when docking. As you get close, you have to pull toward one of the big boats, make a big turn perpendicular to the dock and then do some gear shifting…reverse, turn the wheel, forward, turn the wheel, then straighten out parallel to the dock with the bow toward the lagoon. Let’s just say I didn’t do it right. I also kept accidentally turning the throttle (which is pretty easy to do as you’re trying to steer but not good in a small no wake area…also I didn’t hit anything so that’s something right?). I ended up getting really really flustered but then reversed it (not on the first try) next to the dock instead of doing a big loop. I think the reversing and going forward while also steering was what threw me (with the tiller you turn it in opposite direction you want to go when you’re going forward but normal when in reverse…yes this is easy on paper but in practice it really confused me when I was docking). Anywayyyyy….I will get it eventually. This was the first time driving a boat like this so it’s allll gooooood (I’m mainly telling myself this because I was “not happy Bob….not happy” - quote from The Incredibles). After that, I took a relaxing dip and just floated in the water to calm my frazzled nerves. Then I ate a realllly yummy lunch. Marsha, our other cook, makes this amazing nutritional yeast salad dressing. It’s my favorite thing. It’s sooo good. In the afternoon, we got organized with some upcoming projects and got some exciting plans from FWS to help them with some super cool science surveys next week (more to come on this!). Later, we tended to our Pisonia babies in the nursery by removing scale, a parasite harvested by ants (super interesting but they’re mean to our plants), removing weeds, and watering them. We also organized the nursery for a bit and then headed back to lab to note what we did and prepare for our tasking the following day. Around 5, I washed up and headed early to the galley to continue drawing my map. At 6, we had such a delicious dinner. Vegetarian lentil soup and corn bread. It was WOW. (Thanks Marsha!). I think it’s been my favorite meal so far. After that, I stayed for awhile and continued drawing my map and watched a bit of The Office. I hope to be done with my map by the end of the week! Then I headed off to bed and did some reading.

First photo: Community day with the whole crew (photo taken by Stephen Allinger). Second and third: some close ups of our Pisonia babies. Fourth: Our lovely view from the galley.

[thejourneytomyheart]

May 7th, 2021- My Surgery Info

I’m back!  It has been a little while since I have written.  Mostly because, well, life.  Life is busy and chaotic.  Also, it’s been mostly uneventful the past year with COVID.  However, the positive of that is that I have just been able to be spending time with Scarlett. And my blog was mostly about my journey to getting Scarlett.  So I haven’t posted much else because we got her and that is the end (or new beginning) of that chapter.  This post sort of goes with that theme.

I am going to apologise in advance if something doesn’t make sense.  I am trying to watch as I go.  I am on high pain meds as I type this.  Why?  That is why I am updating.

***The short version- I had surgery today, May 7th, to remove my left ovary and tube.  When they got in there they were actually able to save the ovary and only took the tube.  They did send something to pathology, but he said it didn’t look “too bad”.  It was laparoscopic and I am home now recovering.  If you want to know more and what led to this, keep reading.

Full backstory:

I had been having pain.  Pain in my pelvic area since after Scarlett was born.  Obviously that is normal after growing a human and pushing it out down there.  SO I didn’t think anything of it.  6 months past, still had it, one year came so I mentioned it to my OB.  She said it really shouldve went away but since it’s getting better (and it was and less often) then it’s possible to just be leftover from that.

Well, it got less and less.  But, I would have flare ups.  And when it hurt, it hurt.  It was not just my pelvis, but my lower back, hips, groin, buttocks, etc.  So this didn’t seem like an OB issue.  I just let it go.  Until I randomly had a could of days that it flared up and I literally could not walk.  It was awful.  I thought maybe it was something I needed to see a chiropractor for.  BUT, I still believe whatever it was stemmed from giving birth.  So, FINALLY, I decided to call my OB.  Got the pap smear.  Came back normal.  But she ordered an ultrasound.  

So, on April 9, I went for the ultrasound.  Then I was supposed to discuss the results with my doctor in an hour.  Well, she got called away for a delivery.  So they set me up with a virtual consult with her the following Wednesday, April 14th.  

April 14th- Consult with my doctor.  She said there was “a lot going on in there”.  Some fibroids and small cysts that can be normal, blah blah, but she wasn't worried about them.  BUT, on the other side there was a huge cyst.  About 5-6 cm, so 2.5 inches.  She was a little concerned about the size, but what most concerned her was that it had “several small nodules with vascularity”.  So normally cysts are fluid filled.  Women have them all the time and don’t know.  The body normally absorbs them.  But they can get big, they can rupture or burst.  I have had one burt before (multiple times) and that is THE WORST pain I have had in my life.  It landed me in the ER three times.  AWFUL.  If you know you know.  Then came the words… I am referring you to a gynecological oncologist/surgeon.  We need this out and it will need to be tested.  Beyond that, it is his expertise.  The Cancer Center will be calling you to set up an appointment.  That word is scary.  Cancer.  You hear it all the time, but it sounds different when it’s about you.  

I get home and I am still shocked, numb, but still not sure about anything.  Then I have to tell justin and of course he is very concerned.  And doing things he shouldn’t do (googling).

They call me the next day.  And set up an appointment April 27th.  That seemed so far away, but apparently we were expedited and that was quick.  The next two weeks were filled with so much mental exhaustion.  (Also, dealing with a TWO year old, and end of the year school stuff).  It was two weeks and thinking, and reading, and googling, and talking about the WHAT IFS.  You can’t help but let your mind wander.

Finally the consult came.  It didn’t give much more information.  Basically you can’t know anything until they go in and look.  Based on age, bloodwork, family history…. The textbook answer is that it is nothing.  Of course, we all know there are exceptions.  So it needed to come out.  They decided they needed to take the left ovary and tube.  Obviously the cyst would come out as well to be tested.  The more scary part is when he mentioned that once he gets in there, if it has spread then we may need to take more...the uterus, the other tube, and ovary, etc…  I want another baby, so this hit hard.  We left, still in shock and waiting for a call to schedule the surgery.  Went for ice cream, because…..ice cream.  While there we got the call.  May 7th.  

So the next two weeks were a lot of thinking and planning.  WHat do I do with and how will this affect taking care of Scarlett? How long can’t I work?  What if…? SO many thoughts.  Decided to take a full week off work.  I know it is laparoscopic but I still feel like I might need a week.  Writing 6 days of sub plans was the worst. And then lining up things with Scarlett.  Then Justin has to make some sacrifices with soccer to be home more and help with babysitter drop off and pick up.  I like to be in control of all of that.

  Then I asked about weight restrictions (in my mind it will be like 20 lbs for like a week or 2.  Imagine my shock when they tell me that recovery time is 2-6 weeks.  And lifting restrictions at 10 lbs for 6 weeks.  I immediately panicked.  FIrst , I had to run down to my boss and tell her.  Luckily she was really nice about it. Then, I was freaking out because I have a two year old that is 22 lbs.

So here we are, May 7th.  Had to get up at 4 am to drink some gatorade by 5.  We had to get to the hospital by 6.  My mom stayed the night to stay with Scarlett in the morning because the sitter doesn’t open til 7.  We get there, get registered and I go back for pre op.  Pretty uneventful.  I have never had surgery before so I was so scared.  Had to wash up, get undressed, get the IV started.  The anesthesiologist came in to talk.  The surgeon came in to talk. Then they whisked me back to the operating room around 7:45.

Being wheeled into the operating room was THE SCARIEST.  I started crying.  In my head I was like, why didn’t they put me to sleep before bringing me in there.  It was just a huge white, cold room, like you see on tv.  Just one little skinny metal table in the middle with the big metal lights and people rushing around to get ready.  The nurses were super nice and walked me through everything they were doing.  They had country music on.  This is how fast I was out...I have 2.5 songs that I remember.  They put me on the metal table then had to strap me down because it was so small.  Both arms were out and strapped and over my torso.  They told me they were gonna take good care of me and I was going to fall asleep and wake up in no time. BOOM

My surgery was scheduled to be from 8:00-10:00.

Next thing I am “waking up”  really just opening my eyes for a minute at I see a clock.  I was in recovery and it was only 9:00.  Nurse came in, said they actually only had to take the tube because the ovary was fine.  Since I want more kids, he left it.  And nothing else.  They did send the solid mass to pathology to be tested. We will know those results in two weeks.  I just have 3 small incisions.  One is a little bigger to get it out.  Then I fell back asleep until they brought Justin back at 9:30.  He said I was actually done at 8:35.  Then I was in and out 9:30-10:30.  At 10:30 they said I could get dressed whenever I felt like it and recover at home.  I literally thought I was going to be there til late afternoon/evening.  Also, because it ended up being less than they thought, they think they may be able to back my restrictions to only 2-3 weeks instead of 6. (driving, working, lifting), which is a relief.  I have to call him next week to ask.  And then he will have to evaluate me before he releases me to do that.  So, honestly, best case scenario.  I do feel a little guilty because I am so lucky when I know others aren’t.  But that just humbles me and makes me so very thankful.

Getting up was rough, dizziness, nausea, pain…..  So it took a while.  But by 11:40 we were on the road home.  The ride home was AWFUL.  I was sooo dizzy and thought I was going to vomit (but I didn’t).  Got home and ate because i was starving.  Then went to sleep (painful, but manageable).  Just woke up.  It is 4:30 ish.  Wanted to write this and then I can take pain meds again.

Justin went to get Scarlett.  I am worried about her wanting me to hold her.  But, it is only temporary.

*No idea if this was due to Ivf, but very possible. Still worth it. Even if they would’ve had to take everything, I’d do it all again to get Scarlett.

[noshittwobit]

Dad!Darry: Not Your Typical Saturday

A pregnancy one shot, part of my Dad!Darry series! 

[1,673 words.] Sooo this is a lot longer than expected lol. Let me know what you guys think and if you want me to do another pregnancy one shot!

It started with breakfast. While you fried some eggs and flipped the pancakes he made his coffee, home brewed and black. When the food was ready you would both sit at the table with your full plates enjoying the comfortable morning silence together.  This was your typical Saturday morning morning routine, but today was not a typical Saturday. For starters Darry had to work.

As soon as the eggs hit the pan your stomach started to turn, and as your scrambled them around the pan you decided that eggs were not on your menu this morning. Then his coffee started to brew, filling the air with its bitter scent, one that normally perked you up in the morning, but today it made your stomach lurch once more.

As the eggs finished up you turned to Darry, who was already seated at the table sipping his mug. “I don’t feel like eggs this morning, you think you can eat mine too?”

“Sure. Why did you make them if you didn’t want them?”

You plated your breakfast, topping Darry’s off with all of the eggs. “I didn’t know I didn’t want them until I started to cook them. The smell is turning my stomach.”

You handed him his plate as he let out a grunt in response, his coffee making your nose wrinkle and your stomach clench. After grabbing an apple, a knife, and some peanut butter, you sat at the table with your own plate and some juice, the typical morning silence resuming. God you loved peanut butter, lately you haven’t been able to get enough of it, and thankfully it soothed your stomach.

It wasn’t until he went to kiss you goodbye that the nausea started to creep up again. Pulling back with a grimace on your face Darry gave you a hard look.

“What’s that face for?”

“Ugh, I can smell the coffee on your breath. It’s making me feel sick.”

He quirked an eyebrow, “You okay?”

“I don’t know, I just feel real queasy this morning that’s all.”

“Take it easy today, okay? Call me if anything gets worse, I should be in the office all day.” With a nod you both said goodbye and he took off for work will you took off to work on the dishes.

The whole day passed slowly. It seemed that the morning grogginess never disappeared and your head was in a fog all day. In fact you’ve been feeling tired for the past few weeks now. By midmorning you were ready for a nap. When you woke up two hours later things didn’t seem any better. Your head was still in a fog and now chest felt heavy and your breasts felt full and tender. Curious you looked at the calendar. Your period was a week late, how you hadn’t noticed?

Suddenly a thought popped in your head, What if… For the first time in weeks you felt awake. Picking up the phone your fingers flew over the familiar numbers. Each ring felt like an eternity.

“Hello, Thomas residence.”

“Sherry, I gotta question for you.”

You heard your good friend chuckle, “No hello, alright then. What’s the question?”

“How did you know you were pregnant with Matthew?”

You held your breath waiting for her answer, your blood pulsing.

“Well before I went to the doctor I noticed that I had morning sickness and my period was late. Why do you ask?”

Your heart almost burst out of your chest. “Because I’ve been tired and nauseous all morning, my breasts hurt, and I’m a week late.”

“Oh my god. Does Darry know?”

“No! I don’t even know!”

“Honey, I want you to hang up and book yourself a doctor's appointment right now. You hear me?”

Your throat felt dry and you forced yourself to swallow. “Yeah, I’ll let you know.”

After you both said your goodbyes you dug out your practitioner's number to make an appointment. Usually making appointments over the phone made you a little uncomfortable, but nothing came close to the anxiety you felt with this phone call. It almost didn’t feel like you saying the words, “I think I’m pregnant” over the phone, but as you and the receptionist solidified a date and time for next week, reality started to hit.

Darry and you had always talked about having a family together. Both of you were in your mid-twenties now, having been married for three years, so the kid topic was never far from your minds. Especially since that’s all anyone ever asked you about. Your parents wanted grandchildren and your relatives wanted to see you pregnant and glowing. To them three years had been long enough to get settled into married life. But you and Darry weren’t ready. Or at least you thought you weren’t.

The main thing holding you two back was money. Darry said that when he had kids that he wanted to do it right. In a nice neighborhood, with a nice school district, and with enough funds to live comfortably. And you agreed, who wouldn’t want the best for their kids? But Darry wasn’t yet making the salary he envisioned, which meant you weren’t in a nice neighborhood, nor in a good school district. And while you lived well within your means, adding another mouth to feed would certainly put a strain on things, especially after you lost your job, which would be inevitable.

Financial success was close though. Darry had just been promoted to assistant project manager at the construction company he worked for, and in the next year or two he suspected one of the senior managers was going to retire, meaning that there would be another chance to move up in the company. A year or two would have been perfect timing. But it looks like a year or two is now.

Your brain was buzzing and for the rest of the afternoon you decided keeping busy would keep you from going crazy. Around 3:30 Darry phoned to say he would be home in an hour and it took all of your strength to not let anything slip. How were you gonna break the news to him? What would he say? Not knowing a definite answer bothered you, and you knew it would bother Darry too. Both of you prefered definite answers and with something this life changing, hanging out in limbo was not where you wanted to be.

By the time he arrived home, right as he said he would, you had figured out a way to break the news to him. You were in the kitchen, pulling the chicken bake you made out of the oven when you heard him come in, shrug his jacket off and slip out of his shoes.

“Baby?” Darry called, walking towards the kitchen. He came in with a smile on his face, which was unusual after working on the weekend, but despite the reason and despite your own current state of anxiety, you returned that smile.

“Hey, how was work?”

“Oh pretty good, got a lot done.” He opened the fridge and pulled out a beer, “The regional manager came in today and I got to have a nice talk with him. We talked for a while too so I think I made a good impression.”

You responded as you plated your dinners. “That’s great, it’s always good to get to know people.”

He took a seat at the table, “Oh yeah. I mean, I’m not expecting him to do me any favors but it doesn’t hurt being on his good side either.”

As you set the table he asked how your day was. “Oh, it was alright, I’m feeling a bit better now.”

“Yeah? What was up with you this morning anyway?”

Your heart jammed its way up your throat and you couldn’t tear your eyes away from your dinner plate. “Well, I think, maybe, it’s because I might be pregnant.”

His fork clattered against his plate. “You think?”

You managed to pull your eyes up and meet his wide baby blues. “I won’t know for sure until my doctors appointment on Wednesday.”

Darry was quiet, clearly deep in thought as he turned back to his plate. “How do you know though? When did you make the call?”

Reaching out, you placed your hand over his. “This morning. It didn’t click until after you went to work. I looked at the calendar and noticed I was a week late. Then everything started adding up, why I’ve been so tired, why i was nauseous this morning, it just made sense. But like I said, I won’t know for sure until the appointment.”

“Do you need me to go with you?”

“If you would like to, but if you don’t want to miss work you don’t have to.”

“No, I want to be there. I should be there.”

He sat back and ran a hand through his hair, letting it flop back down on his forehead. “What do you think of this?”

Darry sighed and paused a moment, collecting his thoughts. “I mean, I think it’s great baby. Do I wish we could have waited to have kids? Of course. But the world isn’t perfect for a reason. How about you, how do you feel about it?”

A shaky breath left your lips and something shifted within you. “I don’t know. I don’t know Dar.” Your eyes started to burn and water as the reality of the day finally hit.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” He ran his hand up and down your arm, scooting his chair closer to you. “Why are you crying? This is good isn’t it?”

Hastily brushing away tears, you shrugged. “Yeah. I don’t know why I’m crying. It’s just a lot I guess. Everything is going to change.”

“That’s okay. It’s going to be okay.”

“But what about money?”

“We’ll figure it out. I’ll get a second job if I have to.”

You looked at him, noting the confidence and sincerity in his eyes, and believed him. Everything will be okay.

Thank you for reading! Leave a review here!!

[loveinruins]

Wonderful Wednesday

WOW..

WTF.

I LITERALLY HAD THE BEST DAY EVER.

LIKE IN A LONG TIME.

EVERYTHING WAS JUST.. RIGHT.

So on Monday I had to do the late shift and he didn’t wait for me.. I was kind of upset but understood because who the fuck wants to stay back on a Monday.. no one.

Yesterday he was away and I really missed him. Like a lot.

I was like a bit upset because on Monday when he left he didn’t even say bye to me but apparently according to MH she said he did say bye.

ANYWAY, point is I ended up buckling and messaging him around lunch time asking are you ok? and he replied saying yeah all good blabla injured my finger and i wrote back saying well i’m glad you’re ok x and he wrote back with thanks xx and that was it.

He watched my snap stories so i was like hmmm interested in what i was doing i see.. 

Then comes this morning, I didn’t see him when I walked in and was thinking oh he must’ve taken today off again.. :( 

As it gets past 9 and everyones getting straight into work. I hear his voice and it was like my insides were having a party because I knew he was here.

So he messaged me on skype for business basically giving me shit that i was stressed for no reason cos i had a great week in sales and i was like yeah i guess thanks for the vote of confidence babe and he’s like yeah of course always..

It was really sweet when he said that I was like omg bless lol..

We caught up briefly he walked with me to the kitchen so I could wash my plums and fill up my bottle and caught him up with all the goss cos Judas told me what the teams are because she had a meeting with JD. 

We get past lunch and his whole team was gone.. here I’m thinking where’d they go, I went to lunch with AC and it was all normal and whatever..

I saw him after lunch and asked him where he went and he was like oh we went to a team lunch and I was like oh ok..

So he asked for my help later in the afternoon and he was like oi got a minute? and i replied saying no. and walked over to his desk straight away and bumped my leg into my desk draws - it was like instant karma and went over to his desk and he was like what’s with the attitude I haven’t even done anything to you today?! I laughed and i go what do you need help with babe? and he goes take a seat and I did and it was such an easy thing to figure out i was there for like not even 2 minutes and before i went back to my desk i asked him if he was leaving on time today? he goes why? i go i have an app so if you can wait for me pleaseeeeeeee it’ll only be like 15-20 mins tops. he goes where is it? i go just at emporium, he goes what time i’m like 5:05, or you don’t have to wait if you don’t want.. 

Anyway i went back to my desk and I go so are you gonna wait for me and he’s like yes alright but only for 15 mins and i was like ok ok and I left on time and went to my app, when i was done and messaged him saying i’m done are you still at work? and he calls me met up with me and we walked to flinders together. 

He said to me on the way to walking I feel like I haven’t seen you in ages and I agreed.. I go look how well I’ve done without you being at work, you distract me and he goes lol thanks for making me feel so good about myself, I go i’m fucking joking babe relaxxxxxx.. 

So we train it and he goes to me what’d you get lasered? i go do you really wanna know? he goes yeah? i go pointing to my vag that and here pointing to my underarms and he’s like woww lol and laughed and goes TMI. I go well I asked are you sure you wanna know? and we just had a good chat on the train and since the train wasn’t stopping at his station I was gonna give him a lift to his car and on the train he goes what are you doing tonight? i go nothing, was meant to see a friend but dunno if i can be bothered and i go you? he’s like nothing planned yet i’m like oh ok.. 

There was a bit of flirting going on from the walk from the train to the car I felt that spark again and I was dying to tell him about how I didn’t want him to think on Friday that I purposely didn’t tell him about Joe but I told AC and he got a bit upset - anyway a whole story i cbf explaining because it’s stupid but i felt like he felt like i didn’t trust him but that wasn’t the case at all. I said the reason I never told you about it is because it happened at my birthday and we weren’t that close that’s why. He then was like I appreciate you telling me about that.

So anyway we start driving towards his car and he goes.. so are we gonna get dinner or what? i go yeah if you want to.. he goes you never ask me, you know you can ask i’m not going to say no or something along those lines, i go omg how did you know that’s exactly why i don’t ask you, you know me so well.. in a sarcastic tone even though i was being lowkey serious, i go anyway what do you want to eat? and he just laughed and goes i know and as we’re driving he’s like whatever, let’s try something different. so i go well do you want to go to glen waverley? do you wanna go to oakleigh? he was very nonchalant and was like ehhhh and then B calls me and we were talking and i’m like getting distracted and he goes where are we going? and i go well a there’s this place in mt waverley it’s like italian but mixed it has really good food and he was like mt waverley???? and i go yeah and he’s like alright something different and we get there and it was like really chilled, he liked the food and we just had really good convo.

He told me about how his mum died, from a brain tumour, he told me about his cousin who had gastric bypass, told me about how when he went to Romania people would tell him that his mum was a really good person and people would cry if they saw him because he really looked like his mum and he just really opened up to me.

We talked about me as well and what I wanted for myself and he asked me questions that seemed like he was genuinely interested in my life, i told him about my relationship with my mum and the surgery i wanted - he seemed to disagree with it.

He just seemed like he was genuinely intrigued by me, he made a comment about how i shouldn’t lose too much weight or be too skinny and he’s like nah but i mean i’m a big guy like girls who are too skinny and i’m like thinking are you saying you don’t want me to be too skinny for you orrrr?

He asked me to go suit shopping with him when he hit the 10k mark in savings he was going to go and spoil himself.

We had a good laugh and he asked me about the whole R sitch and I go he’s European and he goes T doesn’t kiss and tell and I go nah i don’t and left it at that..

He said to me when we were sitting at the restaurant he goes you have 4 or 5 perfumes you wear, what is this one? I was like WOWWWW sooo observant..

He brought up how he likes to guilt trip me into stuff and I fall for it everytime and he knows it, I go I know you do to get what you really want and he laughed and goes yeah I do it to you all the time and I go i know i don’t even know why I feel bad for..

He also tried bringing Friday up again and was like what was up on Friday? I go nothing, I’m fine aren’t I? he goes tell me? I go nothing, he goes was it AC? I go no, just let it go ok? He goes alright i just want to make sure you’re ok, you cracked the shits twice last week.. which makes me think he keeps track of all of this.

Like he just remembers all these little things about me and it just makes me feel like he must really like me.. or I could be wrong..

Right before we left I go don’t ever say I don’t open up to you and he smiled..

When i went to drop him off after dinner when he went to get out he goes I had a really good time, thanks for tonight I go yeah and he goes see you tomorrow and i go oh yeah maybe after work he goes let me know.

SO BASICALLY I HAD SUCH A GOOD NIGHT, HE WAS SO SWEET TONIGHT WE LAUGHED AND JUST HAD A GOOD TIME.

I WILL FOREVER CHERISH THIS DAY. TRULY.

It may not seem like a lot to anyone but I genuinely felt like he was my best friend that I could just hang out with and say whatever I wanted and be myself around and not feel judged.

[expirationdate]

i made it to california. i honestly can’t believe it myself. my car is a little 2 door cutie pie that is not used to doing any sort of heavy driving, but she lasted me 6 days and over 3,000 miles. i’m going to give her a well-deserved break for awhile. roadtrip under the cut.

there was nothing in pennsylvania or ohio. i drove the whole day through, and high off of adrenaline i wasn’t hungry until 4pm. stopped in indiana and stayed with a woman who was an ex-professor at purdue in environmental science and a staunch feminist. she was the coolest fucking bad bitch and she had 6 different types of jelly for toast in the morning. badass. 

tuesday i drove through indiana & illinois on my way to missouri. indiana and illinois were such peaceful states to drive through. the ex-purdue professor warned it was just all plains and to have a strong cup of coffee before i left because it was so boring, but really it was just peaceful. a straight shot on a highway that no one else was on, music playing the whole time, weather just a mild sunshower the entire way. stopped in hannibal to hang out in mark twain’s town. i love mark twain. i used to work on tom sawyer’s island so i know a disproportionate amount about him, but going to his home and his museum was such fun. he was such a fucking funny dude, and i’m glad i got to learn more about him. mark twain crew until i die. wish i could have stayed longer but it was so fucking windy i didn’t really have it in me to explore. heading back to get on the road a woman literally shook her head and wished me luck. TURNS OUT winds that heavy were not normal and people were advised to stay off the roads. who knew. headed to st. louis where i REALLY wish i could have spent more time. but by the time i got there i just wanted a shower and to sleep. this airbnb was the most hipster place i have ever seen. dude kept calling my room my “space” and referred to a water bottle as a “water vessel”. on the desk he outlined every bar and brewery within a 2 mile walking distance. also all the tile in his bathroom was black, even the inside of the toilet. truly wild. 

wednesday i headed to oklahoma, stopping in kansas on the way at the gas station that inspired tow-mater in the cars movies. i hate tow-mater. but i felt like it was #necessary to see it. found out that the gas station isn’t allowed to even call the car tow-mater. they have to call it tow-tater, for copyright reasons. that’s some weak sauce, disney.

thursday i made it to the halfway point of route 66 and it felt so fucking great! it’s not that i wasn’t enjoying my road trip, because i totally was, but reaching that (literal) milestone felt really good. i did a little dance in the street which was acceptable bc there was no one on the road bc a lot of things on rt 66 are closed ‘for the season’ which is really fucking stupid because obviously people like myself still want the full experience, even in the wintertime. but yeah the road was dead all week which was nice a lot of the time. then i went to the blue hole in new mexico which was honestly a disappointment lmao like yeah it was blue but it was also only like 8 feet across i really didn’t understand the appeal. this night i stayed in some artist’s retreat ran by a gay german guy named pablo. read that sentence again. that’s like 4 squares of bingo right there right off the bat. his place was decorated like it was a wes anderson movie, it was so insane. like deconstructed clocks and chairs hanging off the walls and 1940s suitcases. i...was in love. 

friday, yesterday, i went to the grand canyon. i can’t even put it into words. i mean, i can: “it’s big”. but that doesn’t even describe it, so i won’t try. i’m just very happy i went, but i definitely need to go again. it was snowing and utterly freezing, and i didn’t have a winter coat. so i only spent 2 hours there, and i didn’t hike any of the trails, and i consider that a waste. i got a free sticker bc a kind gentleman thought i was a young child all by myself, which...okay. i was wearing a hat with a big pompom, a yellow sweatshirt with a bunny on it, sneakers with neon green laces, and a pink purse. i can see how he was confused. and now i have a free sticker. i stayed at a recording studio in an old barn for the night, it was SOOO fucking clutch. today they were having people over to record in the afternoon and i was sad i couldn’t stay to see that. they also had a pug named ringo and a cat named kitty. i loved them so much. i wish they would adopt me.

today, i fucked up. i drove over a mountain. like, a mountain pass with no handrails. by myself. in the rain. it was so fucking stressful, especially because i DIDN’T KNOW IT WAS COMING. I WISH MAPQUEST WOULD SAY ‘HEY, THE NEXT 20 MILES YOU’RE GOING TO SPEND ON THE SIDE OF A MOUNTAIN’. but no. it was so fucking stressful. my whole body hurt at the end. every muscle had been clenched so tight. my ankles, my knees, my butt, my knuckles, my jaw. my whole body hurt. once i got to the bottom of the mountain i almost cried but i didn’t stop the car for like another 10 miles just to put some distance between me and the mountains lmao. oatman arizona and the black mountains are on my shitlist now. do i feel better now that i’ve done something like drive over a mountain? would i recommend doing this? FUCK NO. i think i aged 10 years and now i have high-blood pressure. 

and now tomorrow i move into my apartment with roommates that seem kind and not totally crazy and i’m ready. but for now, i’m going to watch a series of unfortunate without headphones on because i fucking left them at my indiana airbnb RIP.

[hardlicore]

9/14/2019

I was 113.4 this morning... but after work I was 114.2ish - I binged and purged so much this afternoon - I got so sick ‘afterwards’ -just not feeling right. I passed out a bit. I feel a bit better now. I was 114.4 last I checked before making a pot of coffee. The only food I didn’t purge was a mini bag of popcorn since I woke starving... I just can’t do this anymore. The binging and purging. To be honest, when I got home I opened the cupboard and wasn’t even hungry ! All this time, and I really COULD have gone without eating and probably felt 10 x better than I do now - but old habits die hard - but I tell you what, I just can’t do it anymore. I checked my cc and they haven’t pulled the money from my phone bill and I literally considered ordering or going and getting MORE food - after binging and purging on all I had. I literally have coffee some decaff tea gum and vitamins to live off of the rest of the week -_-... a couple pennies to my name and 2 bucks on my other cc. Anyway I’m guessing the 114.2 was from dehydration as weird as that sounds (I know water weighs more than not water - but I literally didn’t drink anything all day aside from a couple sips of my vitamin ZERO water...) sooo yeah. I really need to figure out a better way to get to my goal weight on my goal date. I mean I would have done my workout dvd today if it weren’t for my roommates being home -_- I just don’t feel thin enough to go to the gym yet. Anyway my goal was 105 for Monday but I literally don’t have a clue what the scale is going to say tomorrow. It could be anywhere from 113 to 112... God forbid I go back up to 114. But most likely somewhere between 112 and 113. Which means I’m 7 pounds away from my Monday goal on SUNDAY -_- which means that’s just not happening. But I can’t give up! I can do my workout dvd tomorrow and go the gym because I don’t work. And drink 10 glasses of water... and yeah... I could potentially lose 4 pounds tomorrow putting me at 109-110 on Monday morning. Then I could aim for 107 on Tuesday - when I go back to classes (I crammed all my lectures tuesday thursdays so I could work/study mwf) - I like it this way for now. Next semester will probably be a bit different but yeah.. 

anyway, I think 109 for my goal on Monday is perfectly acceptable and then 107 on Tuesday - My goal for next Monday - my next club  meeting when I’m going to be social :( :) was 100 but that was with the 105 goal today. Okay okay... i need a better plan though I’ve binged and purged every day minus Wednesday when I didn’t eat. I mean eating and purging is normal for me but I haven’t been keeping anything down really which is probably why I felt like dropping over walking home from work today... it’s NOT sustainable... but I NEED to get to my goal weight. It’s been on my mind for 2 years now and I’ve been 105 clear up to 125 this past summer!!! (kept attempting to recover but not without binging and purging and re-binging - then not purging - hence the HUGE number :X) 

But yeah I am 113-114 again. My start weight before the heavy binging (over 2,000+ calories a day was 109-111. Once I’m back in that range - which could very well be tomorrow!!!! (Probably not) - but you never know what your body will do... I’m going to be 112-113 tomorrow. I said that already. But with being 113.4 this morning - I was hoping to be more like 111 tomorrow but yeah.. 

I need a better diet plan that isn’t going to give me a heart attack. I have to stop binging and purging.

Okay so here is the plan: Eat 1,000 a day and burn off 500. And fast half the week - every other day! This works SOOOO MUCH better. Instead of trying to just not eat for several days I can know I’ll be getting food the next day - maybe I don’t know - _ - I’m fasting tomorrow - I really don’t have a choice unless I return my wax quit from work lol. I recently asked for more hours so I don’t think that’s a fabulous idea. 

Anyway, yeah I’ll fast tomorrow and since I’m not on my period! I should lose 4-6 pounds. (I’ve lost 6 in the past but that was legit 3+ hours of exercise and walking probably over an hour on campus that day ) I’ve lost 3 before but only 3 because my period was due - so I’m thinking since it just ended I could lose 4 to 5 with just an hour or 2 of cardio which if I’m right and I’m 112ish tomorrow that puts me at 107-108 for Monday!!! and if I’m still at 113 for whatever reason that’s 108-109 - which being fair to myself i really haven’t been 114 even for several months - I was 110 back in March sooo 5 MONTHS - I’ve been fat for 5 months 0h God -I can’t believe I let it get this bad. Bulimia and attempting to recover yet still being bulimic - it’s the WORST thing ever. I really have to get serious if I 1) Want to stop being fat. 2) Want to be successful in life in general 3) Want to look fucking good 4) Just need to get things under control