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kopivie · 2 months

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y'know, it's kinda funny that i asked myself why i write. over the years, people have asked me that a lot. i've had graded assignments ask me that question quite a bit. "why do you write? what is your motivation for writing?"

...my answers were always pretty bleak. "i write because i'm scared to talk to others." or: "i write because nobody will listen to me." and outside of those assignments, i've never genuinely asked myself why i write.

well.. warning for a big ol' dump here, i guess. this blog is basically a diary, so you know the drill.

the story always starts in the same place: in the back of the empty sanctuary of my childhood church with sunlight pouring in the stained glass windows, the colors pooling on the pages of my blue composition notebook. i was ten years old.

looking back on it now, i don't know why my story starts there. i think that's just the earliest time i can remember getting immersed in the act of writing. kind of like how people describe their earliest childhood memory as the day their consciousness fully developed. but that day was so colorful to me – more so than most days from my childhood. an old friend was plinking tv show tunes on the piano at the front of the sanctuary, a few older kids were chatting away in the frontmost pews, and i was standing at the back on the left side near the window, scribbling in my notebook about... magical girl anime. at the very least, i know why i was writing back then.

back then, i had a friend who was writing her own story. completely original with characters she was drawing as she went. the stories were written in screenplay format in her notebook with little doodles to give the stories some life and... i wanted to do that. i asked her to teach me how to draw – which she did with enthusiasm – but what intrigued me more was the writing aspect. i already had a habit of conjuring up vivid imagery in my head when reading, but the thought of being able to do that myself was amazing to me.

my ten year old brain lacked the creativity to create characters from scratch. naturally, i had to start with something i already loved – something i could easily reference and build up from there – so i started with sailor moon.

sailor moon, tokyo mew mew, pripara, pretty rhythm: aurora dream, precure... (all of which used to be uploaded to youtube with each episode fragmented into three parts, i might add.) ...that's where my writing journey begins. i used to write fanfiction in the same screenplay format. i filled several notebooks cover to cover with my big, messy handwriting. i wish i still had those notebooks. but the point is that i had no need for the artwork – my mind was enough.

i later developed a love for mythology – greek mythology, specifically. it expanded into astrology, anthology, and gemology... i would always weave these things into my works somehow. my love of linguistics would come into play as i'd learn languages and cultures just to use them for the sake of giving my writing more depth.

now that i'm looking back on all of this, i... don't think i ever had a purpose. when i began, i wanted to be like my friend. i wanted to show her that i could do it, too. later, i just wrote because i wanted to create characters in the animated worlds that i loved to lose myself in; it was a form of escapism, i think. it was definitely escapism from high school onward since my mental health worsened from 2017-2022, but before that.. there's nothing.

which is a little scary, y'know? realizing that i lack a purpose – that my writing lacks a purpose. the very hobby i decided to dedicate my future to feels meaningless now.

i wrote to replicate someone else. i wrote to escape my own thoughts; i wrote to comfort myself when i needed affection the most: i wrote to comfort and connect with others, but i also wrote to shield myself from my own reality.

i think the reason why this feeling of existential dread exists is because i'm finally in a place where i'm perceiving myself. for almost a decade now, i didn't want to be perceived by anybody, much less myself. i didn't think of myself as a person. i didn't exist. i was just some worthless lump of meat on this doomed earth who just so happened to know how to string words together. i was irreversibly flawed and unlovable.

i'm at a point where i now know what kind of person i am. i can look back on how broken i once was and be saddened by the pieces. i can finally pick up those pieces and put them together; i can set them aside and start anew using those pieces as a reference. what i'm saying is: i can see myself. i finally know what i look like. (i still don't understand how i look to others, but that's besides the point.)

but when my whole purpose for writing was to avoid that – to avoid seeing myself – what happens now? why do i write?

that's the reason why i haven't written about anything for a while now. i have nothing to hide from. i wither and rot for a few days at a time and then come out stronger, ready to brush it all away and move forward. i never did that before. before, i would wither and rot for months, and write to fill the void. i wrote recklessly and without abandon just to get my feelings out there in hopes that someone would hear my voice and know that i'm alive.

in essence, i saved my life through writing. literature saved my life. but now that i've taken the reins, i don't know what to do.

i refuse to leave it behind. i still have my creative spirit. i still have these passing ideas, these bursts of inspiration that characterized my teenage years. but the flames of passion die quickly without any kindling, leaving me lost. i feel hollow without writing but lighter without my agony weighing me down all the time.

...i'm lost. i don't know what to do. i'm more insecure in my writing than i have ever been in my entire life, and that scares me. i want to try, but there's this... block. a lack of emotion that i can't quite explain. there's more apprehension than there is inspiration, so my creativity shrivels up and dies, leaving me disgusted and horrified by myself. i don't know what to do.

i'm not going to give up.

i'm not. little by little, i will try to find my new meaning. i don't know what it will take for me to find it, but i will. maybe i'll just sit and do some research on my favorite topics when i get home? do some bullet journaling on my favorite things and dedicate time to making pages of my favorite facts. maybe something will blossom then.

#[ 🌱 — blah blah. ]#BLAH BLAH INDEED.#the sheer amount of metaphors i could use for this is wild #because its true #i feel like i'm wandering down a dark corridor #the corridor is familiar #the same as its always been #like the hallways of your childhood home #or the streets of a town you grew up in #but after going away for college (metaphorically) and coming back #all of a sudden everything is changed #the streets are different. the store you frequented is no longer there #your neighbors and favorite vendors are gone #or for the home metaphor #your parents have rearranged the entire house in your absence #repurposed your bedroom #or possibly even left altogether. your home has a completely new inhabitant and you're forever locked out #i'm wandering a dark yet familiar corridor. i should know where i'm going. but i don't.#should i turn on a light and get acquainted with this corridor?#or should i just bulldoze a new one altogether?

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victorluvsalice · 5 months

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AU Thursday: Smiler's Otherland -- Outfits!

Time to cover what Smiler's wearing during all these adventures in Alice's Wonderland, Victor's Otherland, and their own Otherland! My attitude toward their various outfits can be summed up thusly --

AAAAAAAAH WHY DID I GIVE EVERYBODY SO MANY DOMAINS WHY DID I DO VICTOR VERSIONS OF ALICE'S DLC STUFF NOW I FEEL OBLIGED TO DO THEM FOR SMILER TOO SO MANY FUCKING OUTFITS AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

*coughs* Uh, yes -- got rather a lot to get through here! ^^; And I fully admit that I am struggling to come up with an outfit for every domain and situation -- as indicated above, it's a lot of fucking outfits! Especially when you remember that I also have to do outfits for Alice and Victor for Smiler's domains... *facepalm* Anyway, here's what I have settled on for the time being:

Smiler's Outfits:

Smiler's Own Otherland --

Smile Always: The equivalent of Alice's "Classic" blue dress, this is what Smiler wears in their own Smile Street domain, as well as any domain in Alice's Wonderland or Victor's Otherland that doesn't prompt a unique outfit (such as the Vale of Tears or the Living Dead Forest). It's a yellow-and-black-striped suit (think the variant Beetlejuice suit (courtesy of @the-crypt-o-club) my Smiler Van Liddelton Sim sometimes wears in their vampiric dark form -- actually, don't think that, let me just show you:

Cripes, remember when Smiler used to live in Britechester? This is a blast from the past...)

Anyway, yes -- yellow-and-black-striped suit jacket and pants like the above; black waistcoat with decorative yellow stitching; a yellow-black-and-white spiral tie (picture one of the eyes of The Smiler logo overlaid on a tie); white shirt; and black shoes with yellow laces. They are basically the exit tunnel from The Smiler coaster in human form. :p Oh, yeah, and if their eyes don't naturally glow bright yellow, they do now! Which holds true for all of their Wonderland outfits.

Neurological Reprogram: The outfit for their X-Sector domain, based off of Dr. Gladwell's outfit from the Smiler Takeover "Fear Test!" Gladwell's outfit, for reference, is a white labcoat that buttons up in the front (in a kind of wrap-around style, though it doesn't go very far around), a white shirt, a black-and-white-striped tie, black pants, black shoes, and yellow glasses. Smiler's outfit is very similar in make, but is a little more colorful, as is their wont -- a yellow wrap-around labcoat; a white shirt; a yellow-and-black-striped tie; black-and-white-striped pants; black shoes; and yellow spiral goggles. Gotta lean into that yellow!

Let Me Entertain You: The outfit for their Musical Mayhem domain, based off Felix E. Lated's outfit from the Celebration Stage! Felix's outfit, for reference, is a glittery yellow jacket, a yellow shirt, a black-and-white-striped bow tie, black pants, and white shoes. Once again, Smiler's outfit is similar in make, but has a bit more color and a few more patterns -- a slightly longer glittery yellow coat (going down to about the top of Smiler's thighs) covered in sequined black and white spirals; a yellow shirt; a rainbow-striped bow tie; black pants with white stripes; and white shoes with yellow laces. Because they gotta stand out on that stage. :p

Ministry: The outfit for their Sanctuary domain, which in this case doesn't have a specific inspiration (though it is supposed to have Kelman vibes, at least) -- a pale gray suit jacket and pants; a white shirt; a slightly darker gray waistcoat; a white tie with the Sanctuary Logo stitched on it in black; and black shoes. Basically, this outfit is meant to be completely clinical and colorless, which Smiler absolutely hates. But well, this is the suit that goes with the domain where all their fears and anxieties live, so why should it be something Smiler LIKES?

Alice's Wonderland --

Splashdown: Smiler's Deluded Depths outfit! This is an old-timey bathing costume like the one Victor wears, only Smiler's top is more like a tank top, and their shorts are shorter, as they're more comfortable showing more skin. The suit has alternating black, white, and yellow stripes, with the yellow stripes glowing. And instead of Victor's seaweed tie and waistcoat, they have a straw boater hat dyed black with a yellow hatband, attached to them with a black chin strap -- so it can be worn on their head or left to float slightly behind their neck. Nice and summery for the waters of Wonderland!

Fifty-Two Pickup: Smiler's Queensland outfit -- and for those of you who remember the first "Sharp-Dressed Victor" post and are like "wait, isn't that the name of Victor's Queensland outfit?" -- well, Smiler's stealing the name because I feel it suits them better. XD (I'm trying to come up with a new name for Victor's outfit -- "Aces Wild" sounds good...) Anyway, it's a dark purple suit jacket and pants; a white shirt; a dark yellow waistcoat with decorative purple stitching; a white tie with the card suits embroidered on it in red and black stitching; and black shoes with purple laces. Figured this one would be a good one to lean into the purple with, given that "royal purple" is a thing.

Advocate: Smiler's Dollhouse outfit! The inspiration behind this one are the various costumes the actual ride employees wear, because I figured it wouldn't be hard to put a more "kiddie" spin on those. As such, the outfit consists of yellow overalls over a black-and-white-striped shirt; black-and-white-striped high socks; and purple shoes just for fun. Very bright, and something I could see a young Smiler wearing under the right circumstances.

Hysterical: Smiler's "Hysteria Mode" outfit! Yes, they get access to Hysteria Mode, though in their case they're not so much bloody as they are glitchy -- the inspiration for this suit is the static and glitches that show up in the various Marmaliser videos and the Smiler Shop TV. We have a white suit speckled all over with lots of little multicolored squares (black, gray, yellow, red, green, and blue) that are meant to look like pixel-y static, with larger concentrations on the left shoulder and right leg; a matching white waistcoat with more squares sprinkled across it; a white shirt; and black shoes. Their eyes also become full black-white-yellow spirals, like in The Smiler logo, with yellow "blood" leaking down their cheeks, and their grin stretches PAINFULLLY wide across their face. Their weapons all end up splattered with yellow and purple "blood" as well -- and as indicated in the Weapons post, this is the only time any of them do direct damage, instead of just stunning enemies or turning them over to Smiler's side. Basically, Smiler is Laughing Mad when they're in this state -- best to give them their space!

Victor's Otherland --

Paintbrush Person -- Smiler's Sketchbook World outfit! Which, as you might imagine, is inspired by a paintbrush. XD Look, Victor's suit for this world is inspired by his sketchbook, while Alice's dress is inspired by the pencil she favors for sketching -- I had to keep to the theme! (And yes, after realizing I called Victor's suit "Paperman," I decided Alice's dress had to be "Pencil Girl," and thus...) Though I partly chose a paintbrush because it was an easy way to get some yellow tones into the outfit -- gotta keep on theme there too. Anyway, this is a suit with a golden jacket and waistcoat (to represent the metal "ferrule" that holds the bristles); a black shirt with a pinstripe pattern (for the bristles themselves); a tie that's all multicolored splotches like paint splatter; black pants patterned with grey swirls to suggest wood grain (for the actual handle); and black shoes.

Still In Progress --

Hatter's Domain: This is one of the outfits I've been struggling with, since -- well, as seen above, Smiler already has a "tech domain" outfit for their own Otherland, and I wanted to make this one distinct. The best option I've come up with so far is to base it off of the magician from Meet The Ministry, since that's guy's black outfit with the long black coat actually matches Alice's Steamdress and Victor's Steamsuit aesthetically the most. (Though I imagine Smiler's will have yellow worked into it -- maybe a yellow shirt or waistcoat?). I also don't know what I'm going to call it -- feels like it should be Steam-something, but... *shrug*

The Mysterious East: I have no idea what I'm going to do with this one -- I guess by necessity it would have to look like Victor's jacket and pants, and I could probably do purple silk with yellow, black, and white patterns, but I don't know what those patterns would be and how to make their version more unique. Hmmm...

The Butterfly Jungle: I almost know what I want to do with this one -- I want it to be based off Sir Algernon (or possibly Sir Algenon, I've seen both spellings), the explorer character who's become a kind of mascot for Alton Towers, and call the outfit "Sir Algie." I'm just having a little trouble pulling it all together -- especially since there's two distinct looks to work with. The Sir A animatronic on the airship in the Alton Towers hotel sports a classic flight cap with a propeller on it and a pilot's brown jacket with a fuzzy collar; while the Sir A performer is a much more classic steampunky gentleman, with a long brown coat, a waistcoat, and a fancy top hat (along with long flowing curly locks). I really like the propeller flight cap for Smiler, and the waistcoat -- I KIND OF want the jacket as well, but I worry that it'll be too hot for the Jungle. Just something I need to think about more.

The Magic Tower: I really don't know what this one will look like yet, I just know that purple and yellow swirls are a MUST. Though, thinking about it, I always have them as having a love for chemistry, so maybe something that makes people think "alchemist?" Hmmmm...

Orchestralia: Another outfit where the problem is "they have their own musical domain and thus their own musical domain outfit, so how do I make this one distinct from that?" Looking at Victor and Alice's stuff, I went with "stripes and musical notes" as a key theme for both -- maybe Smiler has something similar, only their stripes and notes are at an angle or otherwise a bit wonky? And their version would definitely have to be more colorful... Pondering continues!

Victor And Alice's Outfits:

Updates To Previous Outfits --

Beloved(s): Okay, so -- you know how I've been calling Victor's blue suit that matches Alice's dress "Classic" or "Alice Classic?" Well, I had a brainwave a little while ago, and decided that it should instead be "Beloved" to reflect the fact that he's dressing like his beloved. :) And thus, when he's in a situation where he's with Alice AND Smiler, the suit changes to "Beloveds," and gains elements to reflect both of them! Basically what I was thinking is that the suit jacket and pants stay Alice blue, and the shirt white, but Victor now has a yellow waistcoat, yellow socks, and a tie that has a smoky yellow-and-purple swirl pattern on it. And their tie clip is now a silver A and a golden S joined together. All of it reflecting just how much he loves both of them. <3

Smiler's Otherland --

Joytide: Alice's X-Sector dress, based on the outfit the Agent Joytide actors wore in the Fear Test! Because if Smiler's got the Gladwell look going on... It's sort of like the Dollhouse dress when it comes to the basic fit, but the top is black leather with big yellow buttons, while the skirt is yellow and black plaid patches that don't really line up with each other. Her boots also get yellow laces, and her eye shadow turns yellow, natch.

Agent: Victor's X-Sector suit, based on the outfits of the wandering Ministry agents during the Takeover! It's a nice simple black suit with a bright yellow shirt; a black-and-white-striped tie; a spiral-patterned yellow and black waistcoat; yellow socks; and black shoes. Oh, and sunglasses if appropriate. :p I thought the look suited him well.

Get Corrected: Alice's Sanctuary dress, based off -- well. Based off the straitjacket "dress" she gets in the Rutledge section of Alice: Madness Returns, because Sanctuary is a horrible asylum along those same lines! Though, at least in THIS dress, Alice has her arms free if she needs to fight... The outfit itself is a drab, off-white, sleeveless gown with a limp skirt hanging down just below her knees, and a bunch of black leather belts around the bodice, secured in the back, with the Sanctuary logo stitched above her right breast in black. Her signature omega is tied around her neck with a fraying string. Oh, and no boots -- much like in the Rutledge hallucination, she has to go barefoot. I'm sure she's thrilled. :p

Cedars: Victor's Sanctuary suit, based off the outfits of the male patients in Alice's Rutledge hallucination! And also the kind of stuff Miles Cedars was wearing during his time as Kelman's patient in the Smile Always series, hence the name. It's a dull gray t-shirt top with the Sanctuary logo stitched over the right side of his chest, and matching dull gray drawstring pants that don't QUITE reach his ankles. And yes, again, no shoes for the "patient." Someone get these people some socks at least, I'm sure those floors are cold.

Still In Progress --

Musical Mayhem: The only thing I know right now about Victor and Alice's outfits for this domain is that they'll have to be glittery to match Smiler's. I suspect Alice will be in something blue and white, but I'm not sure exactly what the dress will look like yet...and Victor's suit is a complete mystery. I'll come up with something, I'm sure, but I need to think about it some more.

Whew -- yeah, it is a lot, isn't it? And I haven't even finished all the domains yet...or done Smiler versions of the A:MR DLC dresses. *thunks head against desk* Basically, expect an update to this post at some point in the future, once I've puzzled a few more things out.

#valicer #wonderland #otherland #otherlands #smiler alton #the smiler #smiler otherland #fashion #sharp dressed man #(or nonbinary person in this case)#I also keep wanting to give Alice a yellow apron on her Classic dress whenever she's in Smile Street #it just feels appropriate you know?#anyway yes here are the outfits I have managed to puzzle out for your enjoyment #it's been a while since I've done stuff like this #I'm out of practice #kind of want to make some sort of master doc for Alice Victor and Smiler's various Wonderlands #listing domains common enemies most notable inhabitants #all these fucking outfits #stuff like that #perhaps I will one day #more likely I will forget once this series is over but #it's nice to dream :P #I do at least want to finish coming up with Smiler's outfits for Alice and Victor's worlds #and Victor and Alice's Musical Mayhem looks #that's the core stuff #we'll see what happens!#queued

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