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#felt like shit this morning too
sirnica · 1 year
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So, these are panic attacks and not low blood sugar.
Good to know.
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Anyone else just not feeling like a real person much lately?
#'lately' he says#as if he's not been feeling this way for the last 28 years#idk man#maybe it's bc I'm getting older and so are the people i hang/chat with#but it feels like everyone else has a real life and real interests and experiences and things to say#and I'm some kind of hollow scarecrow person just full of memory loss and sadness#i feel very stupid and very boring#which i know is too harsh. and i know i should be kinder to myself bc life and covid and shit can't have helped the brain situation#and i should absolutely believe my friends when they say they wanna hang with me bc it's mean not to take them at their word#but I'm still like... why though?#genuinely what's the appeal of being around me. my head is empty i have nothing to add and I'm not interesting or that funny#it's been creeping up on me. this feeling like i just genuinely have nothing to offer.#i don't even know who i am#except for a person who like. lives vicariously through fictional characters experiencing feelings I've never had cause to feel#i can relate to emotions SO vividly except i myself haven't even felt the half of them#i just sort of quietly exist somewhere on the spectrum between content and discontent#with occasional drops into the despair zone#and even if the stuff i think is keeping me here went away tomorrow. like if mum stopped being an issue and i was free#like... what would i even do?#i don't even know how to want something#anyway. this has been morning mental breakdowns with newt#I'm going to go make some made up guys live the life i haven't now#mr. bees speaks#negative
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Time for another dream i had, this time about zutara.
This one is a lot shorter, but essentially I had a dream where kataras whole family(which seemed to have more members then in the show) all live in the fire nation, hiding the fact that they're water tribe(rather, they were water tribe).
Katara is in some sort of relationship with zuko. It's unclear if she's his wife, his girlfriend, or his mistress, but its not hidden. People know about her and her relationship with him.
(Putting the rest under a cut so I don't clog up the feed lol)
If she was his mistress it's kinda held in that way that kings had other women they'd sleep with along with their queen and it was just an accepted, albeit kinda shitty, thing to do.
Anyway, katara is also pregnant, which was kind of an underlying "plot point" and would return home to her family every day to check on them.
It's revealed here that katara is basically the only reason her family is doing pretty well for themselves. Her relationship with zuko means that they have enough to get by. It's also noted that her whole family(katara, sokka, their dad, their grandma, and some made up new family members) all live in one house. So its clear they're still kind of struggling.
It's also revealed, through a conversation with her grandma, that the only otehr reason katara is with zuko, is because it was part of a bigger plan. She and her family are part of a resistance against the fire nation, and when they realized zuko liked katara, wanted her to infiltrate and pretend to be in love with him.
The plan had clearly gone on longer then anticipated, for whatever reason, and katara is conflicted because she actually does have feelings for him now, not fo mention she's pregnant with his child.
There's a "scene" either at the beginning or after this reveal that shows zuko in a meeting with other fire nation officials, including his father and sister, and that either he was against one of their plans but is ignored or his plan gets shut down(I don't remember which). Katara always sits in on these meetings with him, and afterwards, as everyone is getting up to leave, she leans her forehead against his and whispers that everything will be alright. This is why we can tell she truly does care about him, to some degree. But it's also a moment showing potential manipulation, like shes pretending to care. It's supposed to be a little of both, she needs him to trust her but she does still love him.
After all of this, we cut to a scene in a forest/swamp. This part is kind of blurry in my head, but basically, it's a secret meeting. Katara is dressed similarly to the painted lady, her and a few other resistance members, including Sokka, Suki, and Hakoda, are planning an ambush on Zuko and his family, who are supposed to travel down a path nearby. Katara is a key part of this plan, as she's the only waterbender, and she knows this. She nods along to everything regarding the plan and she goes over important points herself as well. But as everyone else continues talking, katara is having doubts. She loves Zuko. She's about to have his child. She cares for him. But she needs to free the world from the fire nations clutches as well. She doesn't want to kill Zuko, but she has to in order to help others. She's hesitating.
They continue with the plan anyway, and through the foliage that katara and the others are hiding in, we see a carriage making its way down the path. Zuko and his family(or at least his father) are in there.
Everyone is getting ready to fight, to jump out and attack. We see a close up shot of Katara, conflicted. She's still not sure if she can go through with this, if she can kill Zuko.
And then I woke up.
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struck-by-the-rain · 1 month
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for someone who's normally pretty physically healthy I have so many debuffs rn and good lord I'm not havin a great time!!!!!!!!
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starsinthenigth · 2 months
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|★| I believe that one of the worst feelings you could possibly have, is the feeling of getting only a couple of hours of sleep- and then waking up at an ungodly hour while you just want to go back to sleep, but at the same time you can't and- |★|
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thenamessparkplug · 2 months
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floral-hex · 7 months
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woke up at 4am feeling the weight of my life crushing me, so I’ve been sitting out in my car for the last couple of hours because I just need. to. be. somewhere else.
#tumblr ate something like this but I think I deserve to shout uselessly into the void#shits rough dawg#I know it’s rough for everyone. I feel shitty even talking about myself. still… compelled to vent… big butts#haven’t really been on here much since it hasn’t really scratched that itch lately & just makes me feel lonelier#it’s cold#saw the Jazzercise studio open across the street. 5am for Jazzercise? wow. early.#and then everyone left an hour and a half later. lights out. everybody gone. weird schedule. I am perplexed.#went down the road and got a soda and I’ve been sitting in my driveway contemplating for the last 2.5 hours#guy at the gas station tried to talk to me but I just half assed a smile and nod and left#even though I know I’d love to just… talk to someone. I suppose it has to be ‘on my terms’ whatever those are#I miss having a therapist. or even just when my little brothers would talk to me. when anyone would. blegh#my insurance is still a mess and I’m about to run out of one of my blood pressure meds this week#maybe I’ll have a stroke. scary to think about. I think about dying a lot but that potential feels too real. just… pop! and I’m done.#I’ll try today to finally push to straighten it out but everything feels daunting#woke up with so much anxiety. about my health. my hearing. no money. my life. had to get out of the house even if it’s just right outside#hate to say it but I need(want) thc. haven’t wanted to spend money on it but I could have really used it this morning#can’t be sad if you can’t feel anything (jokingly but also not. whichever is less sad sounding)#actually treated myself to Dune 2 last week and it was so so good. wish I could go again. but it’s drugs food or movie right now. so…#I know. dumb priority but BIG SCREEN. maybe it’ll hit theaters again for the next awards season hopefully. just a real nice loud experience#anyway… I should go inside. almost 7am. need to take my brothers to school then drive my mom to her daily appointments#I’ve felt so hollow and angry and sad for so long it feels like. I feels so weak and sad and I’m tired of it. I’m so tired.#I’ve been eating about 1 meal a day and sleeping a lot. this is the worst my body has ever been. I feel like I’m just waiting to die.#is this relatable?#just have to look past it. it is nothing. this body is nothing. just enjoy your soda.#gonna look at pictures of butts now#ok gotta go I love you goodbye forever#you can ignore this#text
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i appreciate a quick response but it also scares the shit out of me how fast my PI responds. like FUCK!!! i wasnt prepared to deal further with this for at least a couple hours
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Guess who might have 🎶whooping cough🎶
#its me and many other people at the summer camp i work at#today i took the morning off because ive been ill for a few weeks#i think the first week was a different illness than the one i currently have tho#i assumed it was what we call 'camp crud' because youre bound to get sick when youre around grimy kids#and living in close quarters with others and not getting enough sleep#but yesterday i felt like shit all day to the point of not being able to stand. so today i took the morning off#just to try and recover a bit. but at lunch my program director came in and said im going to the clinic later#and asked me who else ive noticed is sick#hes making a list because apparently a camper has fucking whooping cough. and its lookng like others might too#i told my sibling i might have whooping cough and they said#'seriously?! are you a street urchin from 1600s Europe?'#which is the worst thing anyone has ever said to me lol. im already on the brink of death and they just kicked me over#im desperately hoping its just crud and not whooping cough#because i have the opportunity to work the zip line this weekend for visiting alumni. with the woman i have feelings for#altogether its going to be a great time so im really hoping i can go. but i obv cant if i have whooping cough#anyway im gonna go back to napping bcuz thats all ive been doing today. that and coughing#if you pray then maybe add me into your prayers today. maybe manifest my health. ive been sick for weeks and i want it to be over
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one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else
#i have to sleep a lot. i’m at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more#I should probably be getting 10+ but i’m a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s#the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything#that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. it’s not ‘oh but i can push through it’ because i can’t without spending the next da#lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I can’t think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely don’t know how#get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers don’t have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to#and yeah it is a choice i’m making that’s true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not#be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ‘but you are making choices about your life’ when i have lost so much#of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so.#literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in#bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it#into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it#but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i can’t go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted#any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself#not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isn’t freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha#usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I don’t go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day#because I still can’t. good days just mean i don’t want to lie down on the pavement when i’m going somewhere#I just. I don’t magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately it’s#just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway#this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this#bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school#vent tw#yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely#disability#chronically ill#i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because that’s all logical but there’s no way to explain what it’s doing to my body or ho#i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i don’t react well to#anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and it’s only getting worse#I can’t even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isn’t counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours#I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework
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curioscurio · 1 year
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Most of my sinus infection has cleared up besides the occasional cough and irritated throat but now this ear infection.... everything hurts can I please have a break before I have to go back to work just a day without pain so I can clean up my sicknest without feeling like ass
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Hey, yall, guess who got The Viiiid
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psikind · 1 year
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hey so. childhood friend of mine commited suicide late july and his dad’s trying to fund the money for his funeral service - if people have the money to donate please do the service is in 3 days (august 5th) and he’s very close to the goal but otherwise it’d mean a lot if people spread the link around -> https://gofund.me/f04d9bf0
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teabiscs · 10 months
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since ive been radio silent about the ship poll. here's 1st places wip
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*ahem*
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coloursofaparadox · 3 months
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i finally got my adhd med dosage worked out and also for like the first time since upping the dosage actually managed to take it consistently long enough for it to actually kick in over the last few weeks and god damn. that shit is magic.
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rexscanonwife · 3 months
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me irl
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