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deadlifts-and-derrida · 5 years

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Learning to Grow

There's a scene in the 90's animated Spider-Man where Eddie Brock, the human host of the Venom symbiote, is lifting weights in his run-down New York apartment. He's shirtless, bench pressing what looks like an impressive weight. The camera runs over his arms and torso as he recites, between grunts, a litany of wrongs, imagined and real, that Spider-Man has visited upon him. There are brief flashbacks with each item on the list, played out semi-opaque in front of his sweaty muscular torso. As each one fades and we see him clear, his muscles appear to pulse and swell. He's getting bigger and bigger as the scene goes on, muscles engorging with each repetition, each up and down of the loaded bar he's bench-pressing.

This scene captivated me as a child. Any time this episode came up in re-runs I'd be glued to the TV, would find some excuse to go into another room and sneakily turn on a separate television, away from my family, even if it meant watching it on a smaller, less modern set.

I knew I loved muscle before I saw this scene. I even doubt this was the first time I saw a depiction of where muscles came from. This first aired in 1994. I would have been 11. Surely I knew muscles came from working out before I saw this. But it felt like some previously unconnected parts of my brain were suddenly wired together.

If you want to have muscles you have to lift weights!

My mom had two blue dumbbells at home. I think she bought them to use at the Step Aerobics class she went to every Thursday night in the gymnasium of the local elementary school, the same school I attended. They were 5 lbs each. I'm sure they would look small to me now. They looked big to me then.

They came with a folded up paper diagram of exercises you could do with the dumbbells. It featured a line drawing of an absurdly muscular man (these are FIVE POUND DUMBBELLS and he looks like a professional bodybuilder!), shirtless, wearing a pair of short shorts. Of course I was attracted to this line drawing. But I remember taking these little blue dumbbells and trying to use them to get bigger and stronger. I tried to use the piano bench to do chest flies. I did lots of bicep curls. I don't think I ever did anything for my back and my legs - classic clueless young man, only exercising the muscles he can see, the ones that look good in a t-shirt.

I didn't go about this in any regimented fashion. They were sporadic attempts. I didn't yet realize how frequently you had to work out to see results. I didn't realize how to organize a weightlifting session at the gym, how to program it to achieve hypertrophy (or, in lay terms, bigger muscles). I thought of it like it was a role-playing game, like if you lifted weights you'd add a little EXP to your STR bar, and eventually it'd level up even if you weren't systematic about it.

So of course I don't think mom's two blue 5 lbs dumbbells did much for me.

There was no commercial or public gym in my hometown, nor one within a 100 km drive. There were some private gyms, in people's basements and such. My little hometown, which had about 5,000 people living in it when I was in my early teens, somehow produced four provincial bodybuilding champions to my knowledge, including Newfoundland's only internationally successful professional bodybuilder to date. Fewer than 1% of the province's population. We certainly over-performed in this aspect.

And then there was me. Absolutely nothing to look at. But burning with a desire that I felt ashamed of, felt like I should keep it hidden. Bodybuilding was all around me and I didn't say anything, didn't give any indication that it interested me. Two of those four provincial champions were my next-door neighbours, one of them a year older than me, one of them a year younger than me. It never occured to me to even try to train with them.

I was an awkward nerd. I knew I was gay. I hadn't told anyone. But bullies called me every word you can call a gay kid, because, well, they were bullies.

So I didn't connect with the budding bodybuilders around me. I never lifted in one of the basements where so many successful bodybuilding careers began.

I did pushups sporadically in my bedroom and hoped it would be enough.

Of course it wasn't. Forcing the body to build more metabolically expensive muscle tissue than it absolutely needs is one of the most difficult things to do. A few pushups in your bedroom and a protein-poor diet (I was vegetarian but I wasn't one of the "good kind" who research proper diet) won't cut it.

In my second term at University, the Field House opened. This was a new athletic facility. There was some controversy in student circles that we were all being levied a $40/semester fee to pay for the Field House - but in return, we all had access to the facility. We just had to show our student card.

Stress, bad eating, and a post-exam bout of mononucleosis had left me about 145 lbs at this point. I'm 6' tall. There was no muscle on me to speak of - though skinny, I had no abs, no definition in my arms and legs. My arms measured 10" around.

So, although all my leftist friends were angry about the Field House levy, I was secretly happy about it. Finally, I had access to a gym.

I didn't research what to do. I didn't ask for help in making a plan.

For weeks, I went in and ran on the treadmill.

I remember an article by another gay writer about body image, muscles, and exercise. He describes running on the treadmill while dreaming of himself as finally having that muscular body he's long wanted to have.

Now, I want to give the guy a shake and ask him what the hell he's doing on a treadmill if he wants muscles. That's like practicing piano and hoping it'll make you a better cook. But back then - I was that guy.

There was a little alcove in the Field House next to the cardio room that had some air-powered resistance machines. I started to use those. I doubt I used them well. No one taught me form. I didn't look it up. This was 2002 - YouTube, a great resource for this kind of thing, was years away.

But it was better than nothing. My diet, still appalling and low in protein, did get a little better as my palate expanded and I learned, on a semester in England in 2003, that I liked and could prepare chicken and fish.

My arms were 12" around. This is still small. It's nowhere near Eddie Brock. But it's better than 10".

I was like a timid deer slowly being tamed. Toward the end of my undergraduate degree, I began going to the Strength and Conditioning Centre, in the basement of the old Phys Ed building, where the actual lifters and bodybuilders on campus went.

But I was not yet either of those things.

I was still ashamed of my desires, couldn't bring myself to ask anyone for help, to acquire the practical knowledge I needed if I was ever going to achieve the kind of progress I wanted.

So even though there was a freeweight section full of huge burly men lifting impressive weights, I kept to the machines and the dumbbells. Lateral raises (probably done badly), cable flies (probably done badly), tricep pushdowns (probably done badly), dips and pullups (almost certainly done badly), lat pulldowns (I only ever felt these in my forearms). I never did a bench press. I never did a squat. I don't think I even knew what a deadlift was.

I ate like I was lifting big weights and having gruelling workouts, though. So, in other words, I got chubby and my muscles more or less stayed the same, after those newbie gains earned in the alcove of the Field House with the air-powered machines. I did not look like I lifted weights. I certainly didn't look like a bodybuilder.

My mid and late 20s were full of periods where I had no gym access. I ran during those times, every second day. I got fitter, my body firmed up, I felt better. I was also physically suited to middle distance running. But I was smaller, during those times, and I wanted to be bigger.

When I did have gym access I continued to lift poorly, without doing any compound movements (bench, squat, deadlift, overhead press, etc). And I ate to grow, but it was a lot of low quality food. So, during those times, my body got softer. I told myself I was bulking, but my muscles didn't get bigger. My arms were still about 12" or 13", depending on which of these two modes I was existing in.

I still lived in dread of someone discovering how much I wanted to be a huge muscular freak. How I fed my imagination on a steady diet of enormous bodybuilders, folders with thousands of jpgs saved from the internet, treasured memories of the rare times I'd seen a truly huge muscular man out in the wild, in person. Walking in the mall, lying on a blanket in the park, in the checkout line at the supermarket.

I would sometimes fantasize about finding some almost empty bottle of steroids in the locker room. Maybe just one or two pills left. At the time I erroneously thought all steroids were pills - I didn't know anything about steroids at all, at this point. I just knew they made guys big. In this fantasy, I would take the one or two pills I found, and it would make me slightly more muscular than I was. Perhaps 5% more. And that would be enough to make me happy without anyone realizing anything. Of course, it doesn't work that way.

I wasn't entirely clueless. In 2009, I started a PhD at the University of Toronto, and had access to its excellent gym facilities. By then I knew I had to do compound movements like bench press and squat. I started to learn how. I didn't seek out help, though, and I definitely should have. Also, a PhD is very demanding on your time. I was following a "split" (how you organize your workouts through the week) appropriate for someone lifting 4-5 times a week, but I was lucky if I got in 2 or 3 times (which, frankly, isn't enough to see much progress regardless of your "split"). 10 or 12 days would go by between chest workouts, between back workouts, between leg workouts.

I suppose I made some progress. Not much. I may have deluded myself into thinking it was more than it was, because I had been going to the gym, in some capacity, for 7 years, and I wanted to have something to show for it.

In early 2012, me and my then-boyfriend drove to his father's in South Carolina. I had just turned 29. I was planning on using the fact we were traveling to buy steroids online. I was paranoid that my IP address could be tracked if I did it at home and it would be safer to do it from some hotel room in Pennsylvania.

I realized, when in a hotel room in Pennsylvania trying to buy steroids online, that I didn't know enough about any of that to actually go through with it. I hadn't done my research. Looking back, my naivete is laughable. Now, if I encountered someone like the person I used to be trying to buy steroids, I would try my best to discourage them for a large number of reasons. One, you, past Michael, clearly don't know how to train and eat to grow; that being the case, all steroids will do is upset your endocrine system's natural balance and increase some health risks without actually giving you the benefits you want. Secondly, you don't know a thing about them. What kind are you going to buy? The answer better be testosterone enanthate or testosterone cypionate; test only for a beginner's cycle. Do you know proper injection technique? Don't even think about an oral-only cycle! Do you know what an AI is? It's an aromatase inhibitor, a drug that prevents most of the negative side effects people associate with steroid use, which ironically come from elevated estrogen, a side effect of elevated tesoterone - you did know that, didn't you? Do you know what PCT is? It's Post Cycle Therapy, drugs people take once they have finished their cycle of steroids to help restart their body's natural hormone production, which is disrupted by steroids. You knew steroids would shut down your natural testosterone production, right?

Luckily, I realized I wasn't ready, and didn't go through with my plan. I don't know what I was thinking. I mean, did I think I could just type "buy steroids" into google? OK, yes, you can actually do that, but it's not a good idea. There are plenty of people out there willing to make a quick buck selling snake oil to idiots like me, and even if they sold me legitimate gear, I wasn't ready for it and had no idea how to use it safely and responsibly, as outlined above.

In January of 2013, my parents, always solidly middle class, suddenly became very wealthy, and they passed some of this on to me. I had never made more than $25,000 in a year, and suddenly twice that was sitting in my bank account, with more to come.

One of the things I splurged on was a DEXA scan. It cost $125. You lay still on the bed of a device, and a mechanical arm slowly passes over your whole body twice. It takes about ten minutes. it is the most accurate body composition scan currently available.

I wanted to know how well my efforts in the gym had paid off.

Not at all, it turned out.

I was 184 lbs. This was in the "normal" BMI range for someone 6' tall. But I was 25.1% bodyfat. For a man, obesity is considered anything over 25%. I was the opposite of a bodybuilder. Bodybuilders have obese BMI but very low bodyfat percentages. I had normal BMI but an obese bodyfat percentage.

My lean body mass was only 138 lbs. If I was lean like a bodybuilder, I wouldn't even weigh 150 lbs. I had been going to the gym for 11 years and I had almost nothing to show for it - maybe 10 or 15 lbs of muscle gained from the underfed just-over-a-bout-of-mono 19 year old who first stepped into a gym in 2002.

This was a kick in the pants. Luckily it motivated me. I reformed my diet. No more pizza and burritos except as very occasional treats. Cut way way way back on the booze. Running in the morning every second day, lifting weights every day I didn't run.

I got married in June. I weighed 170 lbs and my bodyfat was down to 19%. I was losing fat without losing muscle, possibly because there was very little muscle to lose.

We went on an extended summer wedding tour, had wedding parties on both coasts. I relaxed a little but didn't give up fully.

And that September, enabled by having some money, emboldened by finally achieving a little success, spurred on by turning 30 and realizing that if I didn't start to do this right then my dream of being a bodybuilder would never come to pass, I hired a trainer.

And on our first meeting, I told him: I want to get as big as I possibly can.

And he said let's get to work.

#me #writing #self #working out #bodybuilding

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mochasandwords · 4 years

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Hello, Dolan!

Heyo, it’s me again! Yes with another AU! (I need to stop...) I’m still working on my Greater Beings AU and a one-shot I’m debating on doing, but my school is putting on Hello Dolly and this idea came to me. I want to do more of these, but I don’t know which scenes to do more of. I will definitely be taking suggestions if anyone has a preference!

Dolly Levi= Deceit (Dolan) Lyre

Horace Vandergelder= Logan Vattel

Irene Molloy= Roman Monarch

Cornelius Hackle= Remy Hiatos

Minnie Fay= Emile Falloppio

Barnaby Tucker= Virgil Turnus

Ambrose Kemper= Remus King

Ermengarde = Patton Bennet

Ernestine = Wade Sanders (Wrath)

Words: 1818

Pairings: Intruality, platonic Sleepxiety, implied Logince, implied Loceit

Warnings: death mention, kinda mean rich person? Idk let me know if I need to add anything!

Logan sighed and rubbed his eyes, moving his glasses as he did so. The sound of his nephew sobbing next to him was preventing him from working. He stood up, turning to look at Patton.

“How can I be expected to work with all that bellowing in my ears?” He asked, trying to keep his voice calm.

“I can’t help it, Uncle! I love Remus King!” Patton cried, tugging at his light blue dress.

“And I say you’re too young to be in love with anybody!” Logan said, groaning. He had fallen in love way too early in life. While he had loved his wife in the ways required of him, the two never truly connected. Logan was gay.

His wife had died a decade ago, and Logan was finally ready to try again at love. That did not mean Patton was ready though. Logan did not want his nephew to jump into love as he had.

“I’m not too young! I’m seventeen, and in another year, I’ll be an old bachelor!” Patton stomped his foot, and Logan tried not to crumble under Patton’s puppy-dog eyes.

“Well, I forbid it! And stop crying near the store windows!”

“I can’t help it! I’m unhappy!” He announced.

“Then by the stars, you’ll go and weep for a while in New York! Now go upstairs and start packing your trunk, and don’t get any tears on the lock! It was just oiled!” Logan called after Patton as the young man rushed upstairs, still crying. Logan sighed and sat back down at his desk. He hated being harsh on Patton, but he followed his heart too much. Remus King was a painter and brash man. Logan was afraid he would hurt Patton. Intentionally or unintentionally. He turned his mind to New York, where he and Patton were going soon to meet Logan’s fiancé: a hat maker named Roman.

“Speaking of being away….” Logan muttered, stomping his foot three times, “Remy! Virgil!” A muttering came from the basement, and a few seconds later, the trapdoor to the basement opened and two men emerged. Both wore brown pants and a white shirt and apron. Remy’s apron was black while Virgil’s was a pale purple. Remy was the taller and older one, he was also the more experienced one, having worked with Logan longer. They were both hard workers, usually. Virgil went into anxiety attacks when he did something wrong or Logan raised his voice too much. Remy worked late and ended up falling asleep during the day. Logan tried to tell him to leave when his shift was over, but the man wouldn’t let himself be convinced.

“You stamped, Mr. Vattel?” Remy asked, voice gravelly as if he had just woken up. His sunglasses were slightly askew but still hid his eyes. Logan suppressed a sigh.

“I did. I have news for you both. As you know, I am going to New York this afternoon to march in the Nineteenth Street Association Parade. What I haven’t told you is when I come back, you’re going to have a paramour.” Virgil’s green eyes grew wide.

“I-I’m too young Mr. Vattel!” He stuttered. Logan groaned.

“Not yours, Virgil, mine! I mean,” he turned to Remy, “I’m getting married again. And in honor of that occasion, I’ve decided to promote you, Remy, to chief clerk.” Remy’s eyebrow raised.

“And what am I now…?” He asked, slightly sarcastic.

“You’re an exhausted fool, that’s what you are. And I’m promoting you from exhausted fool to chief clerk. Any more questions?” Logan stood up and held his hands behind his back. Remy yawned slightly.

“Yeah, actually.”

“What?”

“Does the chief clerk get one evening off a week?” Remy asked. Logan paused and took a deep breath.

“You already have that, Remy. More than one, in fact. You refuse to take them. So no, you’re not getting an extra one. Now, get back to work, your break was over a while ago. And don’t forget to put the lid on the sheep dip.” The two went to the back of the store to work, Remy saluting Logan as he left. Logan ran his hand through his hair and decided to get some fresh air. He walked outside of his store and stared at the small town around him. A band marched by, playing a familiar tune.

“Three cheers for femininity! Rah! Rah! Rah! – Rah! Rah! Rah! FEM-ITY. / And in the winter…” They sang. Logan snorted at the misspelling of femininity and watched as the band continued on. Clapping from next to him caught his attention and he turned to see Mr. Dolan Lyre. The man he had hired to find Logan a husband.

“Amusing, aren’t they? Though I do not like the hidden message of women being more maids than wives…. Anyway, a thousand congratulations!” Mr. Lyre greeted. He wore a yellow button-up blouse with a black, long skirt and a black hat that had black lace that covered half of his face. A golden necklace with a snake charm hung around his neck. Logan’s stomach did a summersault but he pushed it off.

“What?” He asked, bringing his mind back to Mr. Lyre’s mismatched eyes. One hazel and one green.

“I said congratulations, Mr. Vattel! All New York is buzzing with the news that you’ve practically proposed to Roman Monarch. The streets are lined with eligible young men prostrate with grief. All my congratulations and sympathy-.”

“Sympathy?” Logan asked, fully turning to Mr. Lyre.

“Did I say that? A slip of the tongue, that’s all. No, I’m delighted with the happy news, after all, he wasn’t easy to unload – by that I mean you know what people said. Although I for one never believed the rumors, no, I didn’t.” He hummed, placing his hand on Logan’s arm and guiding them to sitting on the steps that led to Logan’s store.

“Rumors? What… rumors?”

“Oh, nothing to be upset about, Mr. Vattel. I mean according to all known facts, his first husband passed on quite naturally. It’s just that he went so sudden…. A few spoons of chowder he made special for him and well…. But it could happen to anyone. No, there’s no truth in it. Though, just one word of advice, Mr. Vattel: eat out!” Mr. Lyre chuckled at his joke. Logan raised an eyebrow.

“Now hold on, Mr. Lyre, you mean to say that Mr. Monarch-?”

“I mean to say nothing, Mr. Vattel. Just friendly advice. Keep away from the chowder. Oh! By the way, he’s just ordered his wedding gown, beautiful; you should see it – black! Being a hat designer you’d think he had more taste.” Mr. Lyre stood up and brushed off his skirt, “Well, as I said before, rest in… I mean, may guardian angels watch over you both. Particularly at dinner.” Mr. Lyre muttered, a hint of resentment in his eyes. He started to walk away, but Logan scrambled to his feet and grabbed Mr. Lyre’s arm.

“Look here, Mr. Lyre. You introduced me to Mr. Monarch, and rumors or not I intend calling on him this afternoon as arranged!” Mr. Lyre pulled himself out of Logan’s grip. He seemed to stiffen slightly, but the lace was covering the part of his face that was toward Logan, preventing him from seeing Mr. Lyre’s eyes.

“Very well, Mr. Vattel, then there’s nothing more for me to do but go back to New York, after I finish my other errands of course, and tell the other man, the heir, not to wait….” Logan froze and walked in front of Mr. Lyre, stopping him.

“What did you say?”

“Nothing. Well, a word. Heir.”

“His name?”

“His name? Um… Sanders? Yes, that’s it. Wade Sanders.”

“…A lovely name.” Logan hummed. While he was rich, he could always use a bit more. Especially to find Patton a good school and a proper match. Patton would need the money as well as a second parent.

“Picture, if you will, hair as shiny as a newly minted penny… eyes as big as round silver dollars… skin as soft and mossy as an old greenback. Age 36; weight, a hundred and eighty-six -. Now, I could arrange for you to meet this Thomas this very afternoon.” Mr. Lyre said with a slight smile.

“I don’t have the time, Mr. Lyre. I have to bring my nephew Patton to New York this afternoon until he forgets a certain Remus King!” Logan sighed, remembering his previous plans for the day.

“I could do that with you, Mr. Vattel.” Mr. Lyre said, moving a bit closer to Logan, “I know just how to handle such things.” Logan felt himself gulp.

“I’m marching in the Nineteenth Street Association Parade after.”

“Well, what an amazing coincidence. Mr. Sanders has been chosen to ride the float for the parade. His mother was a Cash you know.” He spoke that last part quietly. Like he was sharing a secret. Logan bit his lip then nodded.

“Alright, Mr. Lyre. I’ll meet Mr. Sanders at the parade, but I still intend on paying another meeting with Mr. Monarch first.” Logan said, voice unwavering. Mr. Lyre pulled back abruptly and turned to Logan’s store and home.

“Oh dear, what races you make me run!” He sighed, “Very well, Mr. Vattel! I’ll meet you on that bench in front of Mr. Monarch’s hat shop at two-thirty as usual.” The two walked into the shop together.

“One more thing, Mr. Lyre. Suppose I decide against Mr. Monarch and I don’t like Mr. Sanders either?” Logan asked quietly. He didn’t know what pushed him to ask, but something had forced it out of him. Mr. Lyre paused from grabbing Logan’s hat and coat from the coat rack.

“Well, I happen to have one more name on my list, Mr. Vattel. A name I know as well as my own, but let’s not go into that now.” He handed Logan his hat and helped him into his coat, “It’ll come up by itself all in good time. Don’t you worry about it!” Mr. Lyre patted Logan on the back and started to push him out of the store, “Oh! But wait until you see Wade, Logan! A vision! A dream!” Logan chuckled.

“All right, all right. I’ll leave it up to you. I’m trusting you, Dolan.” He smiled. Mr. Lyre smiled softly back.

“You can, Logan. Patton will forget about Mr. King and you’ll find your husband all before the end of the day.” He announced. Logan tipped his hat and walked out of the store. He hadn’t even gotten a few feet when he heard Mr. Lyre start to sing.

“Yes, it takes a man… to bring you the sweet things in life.”

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@queer-sprite hey girl you wanted to read this when I was done?

#death mention #ts logan #ts emile #ts deceit #ts roman #ts remus #ts patton #ts remy #ts virgil #ts wrath #intruality #platonic sleepxiety #implied logince #implied loceit #hello dolly #CaffinatedWords

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ardcntlamia · 4 years

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TW: death, drugs, prostitution, disease, aids, homophobia, and child abuse are mentioned

( richard harmon, vampire, he/him & cismale ) is that ( comfortably numb ) by ( pink floyd ) playing? ( ALEXANDER “XANDER” CHAPELL ) must be nearby! heard folks say the ( thirty six ) year old ( drug runner ) was not at the letum falls thanksgiving fair because ( he was caught up with work ). as a result, they weren’t present during the glitch but ( his boyfriend was killed ).

born a few towns over from letum falls in the great year of ‘48, alexander chapell was supposed to be the golden boy. his parents, two retired military technicians, thought they would never get pregnant, that they’d spent far too long in the service to start a family now.

soon enough two months out of the military, fourty-nine year old holly chapell was confirmed pregnant. they took their savings and refurbished their entire home, hoping to make it the perfect place to raise a child

unfortunately, alexander wasn’t exactly the child they had expected. he was a fairly quiet baby, but wavering into his toddler years the young chapell began to act out

his first offence; biting. he started taking chunks out of others in fits of rage, temper tantrums like you wouldn’t believe. the chapells tried everything --- time outs, spankings, off to bed without dinner, nothing could break the child of his rage. It wasn’t long before the gentle punishments turned violent

years passed and trouble just kept coming. xander would often be sent home from school for fights, cursing, disobedience, you name it. but nothing, nothing prepared them for his final offence.

xander’s father caught him red-handed in his room, lips on another boy. his parents despised gays, called them a repertoire of hideous slurs, and xander knew there was no coming back from this. by the end of the day, xander was on the streets, his first boyfriend had been scared so far into the closet there was no hope of anything more, and he was left completely alone to fend for himself

by 15, xander was turning tricks in the dark for money, catering to the deceptive husbands of his hometown. he had fallen low, but surviving by your own means meant scraping tooth and nail to get back on your feet

five years of jumping from temporary job to temporary job, dealing a bit and rolling under the radar, xander ventured off to find the promise of better jobs. leaving everything behind, not that he had much to begin with, he set off to the mysterious letum falls

his luck seemed to change at just twenty when he found a decent paying job, one where he could afford a roof over his head and food in his stomach. a small house on the edge of town, one bedroom, one bathroom, enough for him to be comfortable.

a couple more years flew by like this, work consuming xander’s life. he kept to himself and hadn’t made a single friend outside of work. his life ran in a never ending cycle, repeating the same schedule over and over every day. wake up, eat, work, eat, sleep, wake up. truly a lone wolf, the man with just a name and nothing more.

it was 1972 when xander noticed changes in himself. he skipped lunch twice in three days, and slept through his alarm more than a handful of times before work started asking questions. his memory was strung, teetering back and forth with pieces of information, none of it added up.

one visit to the doctor and xander regretted it all. AIDS. it was something he’d read in the paper a time or two, the disease notoriously infecting gay men across the country, and it was known to be deadly. the papers didn’t give out all the facts, but one thing he knew, the disease was tied too close to homosexuality for his comfort. his dirty laundry wasn’t the world’s to see

the next two years were a living hell. it all blurred together--- work, sleep, blank, blank, music, work, blank. the days were passing by before xander could even live them. by the end of 1973, xander was laid off, and his disease was taking a tighter hold on him.

xander doesn’t remember much about the night of his death. the flickering scenes add up to him in an alleyway, strung out in a daze of delusion as he collapses to the concrete. his final moments blur together, but locks of golden brown curls lay him to rest.

that is, until he woke back up with a hunger inside, sat in a home he wasn’t familiar with. he didn’t hurt, he didn’t ache, but he was hungrier than hell. in that home, he finally came face to face with his savior, manny, a man he vowed to be loyal to until his final breath

soon, manny explained that the final breath thing may be a bit further away than he thought. the gift of immortality and a life of loyalty, all paid by the price of blood. it wasn’t such a terrible deal in xander’s eyes

xander became a close confidant of manny, working as a drug runner in his business and declaring himself manny’s own personal bodyguard and it’s been that way for a little less than a decade

he’s a bit silent for such a rugged man, but underneath that icy exterior is a mile-long list of knock knock jokes he’s been waiting to tell since the 50’s

he did not attend the fair but he lost someone close within the chaos. his boyfriend, bez, was killed in the disaster, and he’s been bottling up his emotions ever since, refusing to shatter his ghost boyfriend’s heart just for his own sanity, so he’s kept his mouth shut and acted like nothing has changed. it was the first relationship he’s had in half a decade. in all truth, he’s not sure how to deal with grief, so he chooses to ignore it instead.

aesthetics : half-smoked cigarettes, ripped jeans paired with converse, rugged stubble on a steel-hard jaw, white knuckles, dripping red from sharp white, a smile seen as often as halley’s comet, crimson tides, the smell of death in the morning.

wanted connections :

regular customers : xander works for manny and does a lot of dealing face to face, he’d rather get the job done himself than send a fool to do it for him. that’s how mistakes are made. so it’s not uncommon for xander to sell to the same people. these could be new regular customers, or some oldies who have been buyin’ since ‘74, i’m down for anything

enemies : this is pretty self explanatory, but i’d love any sort of enemy plot. xander is a hard nut to crack, and can often let his sarcasm run loose, ending in a lot of bad encounters. this guy is probably on handful of hit lists by now

past encounters : this could be from his time on the streets when he was selling his body just to survive, or even from his early days in manny’s employment, someone who might be able to recognize that he hasnt aged a day, or someone who’s helping him keep that secret. honestly this could go a million ways and i’m down for all of them

once again i suck at making connections but hit me up if you’re down for any of these or if you’d like to brainstorm !

#othqintro #drug tw #disease tw #aids tw #homophobia tw #child abuse tw #death tw #prostitution tw

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theclaravoyant · 5 years

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musings on the evolution of bisexuality in sitcoms and being treated “like a joke”

Not to open up old cans of worms, but for my video project I was thinking about the subject of Eleanor Shellstrop (The Good Place) and various opinions about her bisexuality, the status of it canon-wise, and in particular the feelings amongst some of the fandom (and non-fandom) that it is treated “like a joke.” I have heard similar things about Rosa Diaz (Brooklyn 99) as well regarding the latter point and so that worked its way in, and soon enough this ended up sort of turning into a short ish essay. I’m not really trying to argue a particular point, but merely reflect on some things, and I hope you don’t mind I thought I’d share my musings. It boils down to being laughed at vs being laughed with, which I get to below the cut after a brief exposition (I have some Thoughts)

Note: I am not looking to get into an argument with anyone, and I’m not saying this is the be all and end all answer to rep, but if you wanted to share some thoughts, add on, etc, you’re welcome to do so.

Note II: Just for clarity’s sake, non-LGBT+ people are welcome to interact if you would like to do so.

I must admit, moving back to the topic of Eleanor for a minute, I resonate with some of those feelings I outlined above. For example, I don’t particularly care for the fact that we have never seen her engage in an abiding romantic or even sexual relationship with a woman, whereas her romance with Chidi has been rebooted over and over and is consistently the outcome. It grates on me a bit that in a universe which has been rebooted upward of 4 different times that we have seen (and approx 300 other times shoved into a few minutes) this is the outcome every time. Why not explore another option for a season? I love Cheleanor, don’t get me wrong, and the constant rebooting annoys me from that perspective as well not just the f/f perspective, but in terms of sapphic rep and also considering how often bisexuality is exploited and misrepresented by heteronormative storytellers (eg the tropes “Bi the Way” and “Not Too Bi”), it really sucks.

Edit: I deleted a paragraph here that had some examples I had misremembered and was rushing through. Shockingly writing up a train of thought on a bus leads to some inaccuracies and skipping over of valuable debates. Instead, I will say that I don’t mean by the above, that m/f bi attraction is not real and valuable. It certainly is. What is a pain in the ass in my opinion - and in the opinion of a lot of the bi people I know before anyone comes at me with that again - is when bisexuality is only used to make a character interesting, sexy or rebellious, while still only representing the m/f side of things because that is easier/more comfortable/etc for heteronormative writers and viewers to portray and invest in.

THAT SAID, back to my actual point. I think we (particularly we who are LGBT+ ourselves) are also very accustomed to seeing LGBT+ characters in dramas, where bad things happen and there’s angst and death and gnashing of teeth. I think this being the norm leads us to freak out a bit and not necessarily know how to actually handle positive, happy rep in which we ourselves, our identities, are taken seriously. We are so used to either being a tragedy or being laughed at (rather than with) that it is extremely unsettling to experience what I would call a dawning new era of being respected in sitcoms - including The Good Place, Brooklyn 99, One Day at a Time, and I’m sure there are others as well.

It’s not surprising, with this skittishness trained into us, that some people interpret the treatment of Eleanor’s bisexuality as being a joke. I’m also not saying this knee-jerk reaction is the only reason; again, I’m not saying my thoughts & feelings on this are the be all and end all of rep. I am just saying that it was a major reason why I was uncomfortable at first: it is extremely hard to trust people to joke around about us, and our identities, and especially with the added element of the unique hypersexualisation of bisexual f/f attraction. But recently I’ve been rewatching some older and less progressive, less inclusive sitcoms and in comparison, it becomes very clear, the difference between being the butt of the joke (laughed at) or being part of a joke (laughed with). It might help - not just with Eleanor, but with others too - to give some examples:

In Friends, Monica, Rachel and Phoebe, only use the idea of f/f attraction when they want to get the boys’ attention, distract them, win bets, or the like. They are successful in this explicitly because the men find this idea so ridiculously, mind-bogglingly sexy that they can’t think. Yet NONE of these main characters are ever revealed to have an actual, serious attraction to girls; none of them express it outside of the direct goal of getting male attention. Similarly, in How I Met Your Mother, Lily’s repeated expression of a desire to kiss a girl is put down to her artistic nature and rebelliousness, and is repeatedly called “so stupid”, and again, is only used to get male attention (to wake up Barney). When she finally kisses Robin, it goes away (bi experiment trope), and it is implied that ~lol~ after all that Robin might actually want more, but that is then left hanging and never revisited again. There are heaps more, I could go on, but these are all examples of being laughed at.

Compared to these sorts of jokes, let us reflect on Eleanor again. Jokes around her sexuality include: being so attracted to her female nemesis that Eleanor can’t insult her profusely without starting to compliment her, and being so attracted to her boyfriend’s girlfriend that in a simulation where she plays him, she goes to kiss the girlfriend instead of her assigned goal, which was to break up. If this sounds more like #relatable sapphic content than a dismissive joke, that’s because it is. These jokes could not happen without Eleanor’s attraction to women, that is true, but the attraction itself is not the joke. The joke lies in Eleanor’s reactions to the attraction as a messy, funny, sexually driven human. In this way, her bisexuality forms part of the joke, but it is paired up with her other personality traits as a comedy character to be laughed with. Similarly, with Rosa Diaz, her stunned moment upon seeing Alicia is funny because it is an example of what we in the biz of gay ass blogging sometimes refer to as “useless lesbian brain” (or in this case “useless bi brain”). It’s cute because the love interest is a girl and because Terry is hyper-enthusiastic that it’s a girl. It wouldn’t work as well as a joke if it was not a girl, and heteronormativity is almost definitely the reason for that, but the point still stands that the bisexuality itself is not the joke, it’s the way she responds to it: it’s the fact that Rosa Diaz, usually so suave and in control, loses the ability to Can. Terry’s overly enthusiastic allyship is also funny, but mostly to people who have experienced overly enthusiastic allyship ie the LGBT+ audience.

(To add one final example: I am not aware of ANY male bi rep in older sitcoms, which kinda speaks for itself, but in the more modern ones we have characters such as Darryl Whitefeather (Crazy Ex Girlfriend). One of the biggest jokes around his sexuality is his coming out as “both-sexual!!” Once again, the joke is not the bi attraction itself, but rather, in the fact that lol this pour bi soul didn’t know the word for it! Another example imo of being laughed with).

I know I’m not saying all that much new here. Probably nothing new, to some people. I also know I’m not addressing every joke or facet of bi or LGBT+ rep even in the shows I’ve just listed. I’m not trying to, I mean none of us have all century. I just think it’s important to highlight what I feel is usually quite a strong difference between being laughed at and being laughed with, and that was the main idea of this post. It’s definitely not always as simple as the examples I’ve outlined above (eg. some of the Eleanor jokes are similar to jokes made in Pitch Perfect, in which I would say it’s about being laughed at), but I am just trying to put some words to some of my thought process on this sort of thing, particularly as I rewatch Friends and think about how far we’ve come with it!

One final time, because people in my inbox don’t seem to get it, I am not claiming to be ‘correct’. This is just an aspect of my feelings and opinions. I am also not trying to ‘speak over’ people who actually ID as bi; in fact, it was bi people saying ‘why can’t you let us have funny things’ that actually opened my eyes to a more comfortable bi-friendly interpretation of the treatment of Eleanor’s sexuality in the first place. I’m not trying to say “this is good rep, actually,” or “this is bad rep, actually.” As I said above, I think it’s both, and I think it’s more complicated than that, and most importantly, I am not actually trying to change anyone’s mind. If you resonate with this? Cool. If not, that’s fine. It’s my thoughts, my opinion. It’s not fact and I don’t want to tell anyone how to feel especially about their own rep.

With that in mind, if anyone is interested in chatting with me more about this sort of thing (by which I do not mean harassing me about it) or asking me what I mean by certain things, or for writing advice, or whatever, you’re welcome to do so - this is just the tip of the iceberg! I just wanted to put this out there in the world for whatever purposes it might come to. Thanks for reading!

#lgbt representation #the good place #brooklyn 99 #tgp meta #b99 meta #eleanor shellstrop #rosa diaz #life of a fangirl #bi representation #lgbt #lgbt+#long post

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provocativescribe · 5 years

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John’s Movie List

This is a re-post of an original post from XXXFamilyFun (aka John Valjean) with flagged images removed.

One of the most common messages I receive is about good incest movies. I wrote a post that was fairly popular, which I will link to at the bottom of this post. But first, let’s revisit my criteria for a good incest scene in a movie:

Criteria #1: The guys should be good looking and they should look the part. There’s a scene in Falcon’s “The Dark Side” (2002) where Derek Cameron and Race Jensen play son and father, respectively, but Derek Cameron (who is definitely hot), looks too old to play the part of the son. Just by a few years.

Criteria #2: The actors need to play the part. Even if they only do it a few times, I need to hear a “fuck me Dad” or “take that dick, son” or else it just plays like any scene from any other movie.

Criteria #3: Set the scene up a little bit. I want to know why the father and son, brother and brother, or cousin and cousin are about to do some dirty business with each other. If the scene starts and we, as viewers, just learn that the guys having sex are family members, then it also just feels like a scene from any other movie.

Criteria #4: As you will see, it should probably be directed by Chi Chi LaRue.

Okay, so you know what I like, and that’s what you’ll find in most of the following movies (which are listed in no particular order):

“Brother to Brother” (All Worlds, 1996) Okay, Chi Chi LaRue’s “Brother to Brother” has a brother/brother scene that I have never made my way through. The guys just do not look like brothers and I don’t find it very hot. So why is it even on the list? Well, there is a scene where the brothers’ uncle (played by Drew Andrews) spies on the lads while they sleep in their tightie-whities. He’s so turned on by it that he pulls his nice long dick out and jacks off to the boys sleeping. Andrews plays the part perfectly, looking around nervously to make sure he doesn’t get caught and then wondering what to do with the cum he decided to spill in his hand. Eat it, of course! He gobbles it down with relish and it’s impossible not to cum to this incredibly hot scene! Just because it’s incest-lite doesn’t make it any less effective! (Director: Chi Chi LaRue)

“Father Figure” (All Worlds, 1999) I remember reading a review of this movie and the feeling bad about myself afterward. The writer said that the dialogue in the scene where the father (Sam Crockett) fucks the daylights out of his son (Stoney) left him squeamish. This was my favorite part. I thought, “Am I some sort of degenerate?” I eventually decided I wasn’t. In fact, I love when the characters embrace their parts and, holy fuck, does Crockett embrace his role as the father who pops his son’s young cherry! “Back into it, Boy!” he commands as he fucks his son senseless. If ever there was a go-to incest scene, this is the one for me. I hate that the production values are so cheap, but Crockett makes this a must-see scene for anyone who enjoys incest-themed porn. (Directors: Peter and Casey O’Brian)

“Fox’s Lair” (Studio 2000, 1995) Some of the sex in the final scene, where three muscle-bound brothers fuck each other, can be a bit drab, but the build-up to it is hot as hell. Steve Fox, Ty Fox, and Ryan Fox (they used to give the actors the same last names to continue the brotherly illusion) play three brothers exploring their sexuality are varying levels before the three of them flip-flop in the final scene. It’s definitely worth a watch because too many incest movies rely on pairings as opposed to multiple family members jumping in the sack! (Director: John Trennel)

“Family Secrets” (Jocks, 1996) I was torn on adding this movie to the list because it’s even more incest-lite than “Brother to Brother.” This one also features Crockett who goes to visit his cousin Jake Taylor (one of my all-time favorite pornstars). During the visit, the two men don’t come out to each other. That is until Taylor brings home some slutty pals and a hot forgy ensues. Crockett sucks off Taylor and the two make out, and that’s about it. I hope you can find the scene online and compare it to Crockett’s scene in Father Figure. The guy really gets into the part and adds a layer of filthiness that so many actors don’t bother to do when they’re in niche movies like this. (Director: Chi Chi LaRue)

“Here Cums the Bridegroom” (Private Man, 2007) If you follow my blog, then you have probably guessed that I am into straight guys who fall into gay sex (and fucking love it). If that’s also your bag, I think this movie will hold a special place in your heart. On the wedding day of the very hot groom (Glenn Santoro), he can’t help but fuck and get fucked by the members of his wedding party, his father-in-law, and his brothers-in-law. This video is hot as fuck. And it ends with an orgy of most of the participants from all of the previous scenes. It’s on the list because power-top brother (Lucio Maverick) fucks his power-bottom brother (Mario McCabe) enthusiastically while Santoro fucks another guy to their side! (Director: Tom Bradford)

“Ivy Blues” (Catalina Video, 1985) This one goes way back to the 80s, but the trip is worth it. Ricky Turner is home from college and ready to have some fun with whoever is closest. In this case, it’s his limo driver. When his brother (Michael Mann) comes home and sees what his brother is up to, he’s not at all disturbed. In fact, he decides to join the two and fucks his brother in the hot final scene! Mann, who went by a number of names back in the day, was one of the hotter performers at the time, so it was wonderful to see him topping his slutty little brother. (Director: William Higgins)

“Phoenix Rising” (Falcon Studios, 1999) I’d say this movie is a little more than incest-lite, but not much. Still, it’s worth a watch to see yummy Daddy Jason Branch fuck his rambunctious nephew (Tristan Paris) with the help of three domineering African-American studs. There’s some filthy dirty-talk between the uncle and nephew during their brief fuck scene, but it’s goddamn hot. It ends with Uncle Jason blasting a thick ball-busting hot load all over his dirty nephew’s young face! (Director: Chi Chi LaRue)

“Roll in the Hay” (Jocks, 1994) Mark West and his sons entertain a group of city slickers. In the third scene, West and his son (Christian Fox) come upon ripped David Logan jacking off on their property. Not phased in the least, a threesome ensues which finds son going down on father and father going down on son. West was probably cast as the father because he had two modest crows feet, but that’s fine with me because he’s incredibly sexy. I get sent over the edge hearing him command, “Suck your daddy’s dick!” I’d have loved to see these two fuck because Fox was an enthusiastic bottom, but alas it was not meant to be. (Director: Chi Chi LaRue)

“Brothers and Other Fantasies” (All Worlds, 1999) Easily one of my all time favorite incest scenes. I’m not totally into twinks, but young Matt Bandero legitimately looks like Vince Bandero’s kid brother. Matt spies on Vince jacking off and a hot incestuous scene plays out where Matt comes in and sucks his big brother off as Vince stays wholly in character. “Have you been watching me fuck my girlfriend, Matt?” as the younger brother swallows Vince’s long cock. Look. This. Clip. Up. If you’re into incest, they do not get much better than this. Vince fucks his little brother wildly, even after he admits that Vince is too big for him to take. (Director Chi Chi LaRue).

“Spring Break” (Falcon Studios, 1988) Uncle Chad Douglas is sure his nephew, Cory Monroe, is down to fuck and wastes no time telling the boy what he wants in this Falcon 80s classic. Douglas knows exactly what he wants and he’s going to take it, blood relation or not! This scene is so hot because Douglas and Monroe are of a pair of hot performers who know how to put on a hell of a fiery performance. (Director: Matt Sterling)

“Bad Boys Get Spanked” (Channel 1 Releasing, 2007) This video has what is one of my favorite incest scenes from the last few years. I’m not sure how this didn’t make it on my initial list. A father (Brock Armstrong) has been summoned to his son’s (Tristan Sterling) school for a disciplinary meeting with a member of the faculty (Drake Jaden). Jaden suggests spanking as a method to punish the boy, who has been acting out on campus. Armstrong is immediately turned on and a hot, hot, hot threeway ensues in which all of the cast stay in character. Listening to Armstrong eat out his boy while his teacher watches will drive you wild, as will everything that comes after! (Director, Chi Chi LaRue)

“Bone Island” (Kristen Bjorn Video, 2004) Kristen Bjorn incorporated a fair amount of incest in his videos, with varying results. Sometimes the brothers/cousins don’t seem to act like they were related or the scene might just be the dud of the video. While the brothers (Diego Pastores and Guillermo Pastores) in this scene don’t fuck, they kiss and suck with passion. Diego and Guillermo are trespassing on the porch of Miguel Peron, who is about to call the police on the boys. When they beg him not to, he suggests the brothers suck him off. This scene is key to the video because the brothers have trepidation about what is about to unfold. Of course, they go for it and the scene is very hot. If you know Bjorn’s work (and I really hope you do!), you’re familiar with how well he choreographs his scenes and the plentiful and big cum shots he incorporates. Good luck making it through this scene without blowing a load of your own! (Director: Kristen Bjorn)

“Billy’s Tale” (Falcon Studios, 1993) This one is a Cinderella story in which you’re totally chill with how the step-siblings treat their put-upon brother. Billy (Chet Roberts) is forced to wait on his muscle-bound step-brothers (Trent Reed, Erik Houston, and Glenn McAllister), who apparently lie around and eat all day (though they have mysteriously fine bodies). When the brothers so chose, Roberts becomes their sexual plaything, but the scene moves past pseudo-incest as Houston goes down on McAllister’s fat dick and eventually eases his ass down on the beast. In the third scene, Jake Andrews shares the brothers, who are not shy about touching one another in front of strangers! (Director: Steven Scarborough)

“Grunts: Brothers in Arms” (Raging Stallion Studios, 2008) In this military fantasy about a “Gay Bomb” that turns straight men into oversexed gay animals is hot as hell, but I would have loved for the brothers in the film (Steve Cruz and Orlando Toro) to act a lot more like brothers! Make no mistake, their scene is hot! They fuck and suck passionately and Cruz is a very vocal bottom. However, it would have been so much hotter if Cruz had thrown in a couple of “fuck me, bro” or something to take the scene up a notch! The filmmakers get extra points for making sure Toro and Cruz look like twin brothers! (Directors: Chris Ward and Ben Leon)

“Joe Gage Sex Files 11: Doctors and Dads #2” (Dragon Media, 2012) Okay, how can you take a list like this without including Joe Gage, who, like LaRue, clearly has a knack for incest. Jake Steel is the father and Tyler Sweet is the son, in this scene that builds in a way that only Gage has mastered. Tyler is at the doctor after he hurts his nuts. His father, the campus coach, comes in to check in on his boy, who is wearing a hospital gown. Steel starts fondling his son slowly and the two share a number of intense glances and a few brief exchanges before Sweet is kneeling in front of his father doing what he does best. Steel and Sweet are another pair of strong performers who gloriously maintain the father/son illusion throughout the scene. (Director: Joe Gage)

“Raw” (All Worlds Video, 2004) The yummy Kent Larson is anxious Groom and Kyle Lewis is his sexy brother. You may also remember incredibly chiseled Lewis as the older brother in 2005’s “Little Brother’s Big Secret”. The scene in that film is hotter, but watching Lewis attempt to calm his brother’s nerves by fucking him shortly before he’s supposed to walk down the aisle is something to behold. Add to that, the bride’s hot brother (Jonathan West) joins in on the action halfway through the scene. (Director: Doug Jeffries)

“Fratrimony” (All Worlds Video, 1990) Jerry Douglas incorporated incest into many of his films, but none more so as this video featuring Tim Lowe and Butch Taylor as brothers who have the house to themselves for the weekend and begin to explore their sexuality in unexpected ways. The video is somewhat unique because it only features Lowe and Taylor. There are a few problems though. Taylor seems way too old to play a guy who’s fresh out of college and Lowe makes a shit-ton of weird faces when he cums and when he’s getting fucked. Still, the scenario is still hot and I usually don’t make it past the intial scene, which finds Lowe and Taylor jacking off together in bed. The two eventually jack each other off to completion. (Director: Jerry Douglas)

Just look at the gaze of pure lust Taylor gives Lowe. Douglas knew how to direct his actors.

I hope you enjoyed this new list of incest-themed videos! Sorry, I don’t have links to the movies! These are all from my private collection. The following is the link to the previous post:

Click here to find John Valjean’s long-form stories now exclusively at Smashwords!

#movies #family #brothers

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winterromanov · 6 years

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look at where we’ve been (through time) - bechloe fic

based on a prompt from @isthemusictoblame who wanted a bechloe first date (round about). i really hope u like it xx

“Is it possible to actually, like, shit yourself from nerves?”

Beca scrutinises her reflection in the bedroom mirror for about the millionth time in the last hour, checking and double checking that she’s put enough concealer on that giant fucking zit that’s magically appeared overnight, quelle surprise. Maybe she should burst it. Would bursting it make it better or worse?

“Yeah,” Amy replies from across the room, flicking another page in her copy of Extreme Fishing. Beca stares back at her in the mirror, horrified. “Wait—did I say yes? I meant no. I definitely meant no. That’s happened to nobody, ever.”

Beca doesn’t exactly feel reassured. “Jesus Christ. What if I shit myself?”

“Wear extra absorbent underwear.”

“Amy, I’m going on a date. I’m wearing my sexiest underwear.”

“By sexiest underwear, do you mean your boxer shorts with the little dog faces on them? Because I’ve rummaged through your stuff enough times by now to know that they’re literally the only kind you own, you turnip.”

Okay, so that’s another thing she needs to add to her list of inappropriate things Fat Amy does to Beca’s shit when she’s not paying attention. Beca opens her mouth, but no words seem to come out. This happens a lot around Amy. She’s actually run out of reactions. Her jaw swings open and closed like a door on a loose hinge, until Amy finally looks up from her weird magazine.

“What?” Amy shrugs, “If you do want actual sexy underwear, ask Stacie. She gave me some great catalogs. The stuff is really cheap and barely worn. Honestly. The elasticity in this thong I got was pretty—“

“Please be quiet,” Beca interjects quickly, deciding to terminate that line of enquiry immediately, because the elasticity of Amy’s dodgy thongs is not something she wants to hear about right now. Suddenly self-conscious, Beca looks under the waistband of her tights, wondering what underwear she’s actually thrown on. “And for your information, my pants actually have cat faces on them today, so…”

“Oh, even worse,” Amy says dramatically, faceplanting her bedspread. “Nobody likes cats, Beca.”

Beca sticks her tongue out to Amy in her reflection. “Nobody likes you.”

“That right? I’m sure if you talked to Philippe, aged twenty-four, from Illinois, because that dude really liked those photos I sent him—“

“Can you actually speak like, one sentence without grossing me out?” Beca says exasperatedly. She tugs at where her shirt tucks into her skirt, wondering if it looks better in or out, or whether it fucking matters at all what she’s wearing. She’s never cared all that much before. “Anyway—who the fuck from Illinois has a name like Philippe?”

“I think he had a fetish for French stuff,” Amy says, like that’s totally normal, “He kept trying to get me to do weird things with garlic and this one time he sent me this video of him eating a snail. Like, a wild, free-range snail he’d found in the street.”

“That’s insane!”

“I know, right?” Amy seems to agree, “I was like, dude, but some seasoning on it at least!”

There’s silence, because Beca’s lost enough of her sanity already, and she’d ideally like to keep some of it intact for the rest of the evening. She decides to leave the shirt loose and wanders back over to her side of the room, reaching out for her phone. At the top of her notifications tray there’s a snapchat from Chloe. With a half-smile, Beca swipes it open.

It’s a picture of Chloe. Specifically, Chloe’s newly-shaved legs in a pair of the sexiest, patent-leather stilettos she’s ever seen, and Beca almost has a gay heart attack right there and then. The caption reads just for you!!! with alternating heart and fire emojis—god, she’s so fucking whipped, and it’s just the first date. God knows what she’s going to be like when she actually sees Chloe in person.

“You’ve got that face on.”

Beca’s cheeks flush bright pink as she quickly shuts off her phone and throws it on the nightstand. She pats her hair, trying to make it look like everything’s totally normal and not like she almost had an orgasm looking at a freaking photograph. “What are you talking about?”

“That face I always pull whenever Philippe sends me a pic of his huge French dick. Sort of like…” Amy opens her mouth wide, her eyes inflating twice their normal size, a hand pressed on her heart for effect. “You’ve got that face on. Has ginger sent you a tit-pic?”

“What?” Beca squeaks, “No!”

“Oh my god, has she sent you a cli—“

Beca throws a pillow at Amy to silence her, who takes the shot like a champ, collapsing onto her bed a la being-shot-by-a-flying-burrito style. “Dude. If you say one more word, I’m hacking into your email and cancelling your Extreme Fishing subscription.”

“Feel free,” Amy shrugs. She rolls up her copy and expertly aims it into the trash, where it sits amongst tampon wrappers and unfinished classwork. “I was ripped off. That magazine has nothing in it about how to fool stupid old men into thinking you’re a part-time Victoria’s Secret model and trauma surgeon online and loads about how to entice carp using natural bait. What the fuck?”

Beca nervously pads back over to the mirror, where the aforementioned zit is currently throbbing painfully and looks way redder than it did a few minutes ago. She groans loudly. “Oh my god. I look a mess. This is the first date I’ve had in months in and my whole body is totally not co-operating.”

Amy sighs, finally moving her ass from her bed and walking up to behind where Beca stands. “For the record, I don’t think you have to worry about what you look like whatsoever.”

“Really?”

“I mean, yeah, that zit on your chin is about the size of Pluto,” she supplies unhelpfully, “But Chloe doesn’t care about that shit. She only cares about seeing you—she’s mushy like that. You could rock up in a garbage bag and she’d be like wow, that bitch is hot, I wanna bang her right now.”

Beca smiles a little. Sure, Amy’s not the most eloquent of speakers when it comes to relationships and emotions and all that, but it does make her feel a bit better about the whole thing. She does have stupid underwear on and a huge spot and a ladder in her tights but Chloe has seen her at four am, vomiting over the toilet after slamming too much tequila. She’s seen her sobbing into a milkshake in the middle of the day after breaking up with Jesse. She’s seen her during finals week when she didn’t wash her hair for a whole seven days. That girl has seen her at rock bottom, yet still wants to take her messy, uncoordinated ass on a date.

“But, Beca,” Amy suddenly says in a real solemn tone, tearing her away from her thoughts, “You have to let me pop that zit.”

Beca darts away from Amy’s vicinity like that superhero from one of those stupid comicbook films Jesse loved—you know, the one with the silver hair that runs really fucking fast, but she can’t remember the name because her head is full of way more important stuff than superheroes—and throws her hand up, grabbing a hockey stick (that belongs to neither her or Amy) and using it as a makeshift cattle prod as Amy follows her around the room like a serial killer.

“You,” Beca swipes at her with the hockey stick, “Are not going anywhere near my face.”

“Come on, Beca, I’ve watched so many YouTube videos on it, I can pop them like a pro—“

“I’m leaving in literally ten minutes. I’m not letting you and your huge monster hands anywhere near my tiny face.”

“What will hurt more—me popping that zit right now for no payment, or Chloe’s look of horror when she sees the start of a mountain range emerging across your chin?”

“You just said she wouldn’t care!”

“Let’s face it, you’d have to be blind not to care about a zit that size and Chloe happened to mention to me the other day that she has perfect twenty-twenty vision. On her driving test she read a sign from a whole mile away, unbelievable, right?”

“Amy, that’s bullshit, you—no! NO! GET AWAY FROM MY FACE! HOLY SHIT, AMY!”

-x-

The whole date thing actually was unintentional. As in Beca didn’t start the day thinking she’d end it securing a date with Chloe Beale. Even though that wasn’t, like, something she thought about pretty much all the time or anything.

They’re sat on the balcony that juts out of Chloe’s attic room, their legs dangling into the abyss, watching as the hazy orange sky blurs into black. Chloe’s just been on her eighth unsuccessful Tinder date of the new year and Beca wonders why she keeps going back to that fucking app, especially when there’s so many people she encounters in her day-to-day that are actually kind-of nice and not ugly or creepy that would be desperate to date her and treat her like she deserves. Because she does. Deserve better. Much better than weird thirty-year-old cashiers with BO and a penchant for rushed sex in uncomfortable places.

“And then he got his dick out,” Chloe says dramatically, complete with hand gesture to make sure Beca completely understands, “Like, right there, in the middle of the restaurant?”

Beca snorts, taking a sip of beer. She passes the bottle to Chloe, who takes a generous swig, wiping her top lip. “Men are weird.”

“They are,” Chloe agrees, nodding sagely, “They totally are. Maybe I should swear off them. Go on a man detox or something.”

“Not a bad idea,” Beca says, like her motives aren’t totally selfish, “It’s kind of what I’ve done. After, you know, Jesse. I just swore off everything.”

Chloe sighs softly. Her arm reaches out and wraps round Beca’s shoulder and she finds herself melting into her, warm and soft jarring with the cold night air. “Still hurting about that, huh?”

“Not really. It’s just—I don’t think I’ve ever been on a good date, and that really put me off? I don’t know what’s wrong with me half the time. Because Jess—he was really nice and considerate and actually liked me, but every time we went out there was this voice going we could just do all this at home.”

“There’s nothing wrong with you,” Chloe states plainly, resolutely. She takes another drink. “What floated his boat sank yours. You were stranded at the harbor while he sailed off. You’re the captain of your own ship, Becs. And maybe you didn’t have room for another sailor.”

Beca murmurs a laugh at the excessive nautical metaphors, but Chloe’s always like this when she’s a bit drunk, verbal diarrhoea all over the place. It’s adorable. “But I do want another sailor on my, uh, boat?”

(It’s really too bad that Chloe’s looking over the balcony and down onto the lawn, because then she would’ve seen the conviction Beca looks at her with, like she’s the only person in the whole wide world that Beca would even dream of being with right now and any time ever. They’re surrounded by stars and Beca’s fucking looking at her like she’s the brightest of them all, and Beca can’t believe what a sap she’s becoming.)

“Maybe you just need a good date,” Chloe says, “And I’m, like, the queen of dating.”

Beca suddenly sits up, narrowing her eyes a little. “Is this you asking me out?”

Chloe shrugs, trying to hide her smile and failing catastrophically, because maybe this is the point she’s always wanted to reach too. “Sure. And it’ll be the best date in the world, I can assure you.”

Beca laughs, a delirious and slightly drunken giggle in the back of her throat. She clamps a hand over her mouth. “Sorry. I just can’t believe that this is happening.”

Chloe grins, leaning across and pressing a sloppy kiss to Beca’s cheek. Warmth explodes in Beca’s chest and she fights the urge to kiss her back, while she’s in this happy drunken bubble, because she’ll so regret it a few hours later when the buzz has worn off and she’s lying in bed, mapping the cracks in the ceiling.

“You’re my favourite captain,” Chloe says, her words slightly slurred, “You’d be such a bad-ass pirate. I can totally imagine you with a hat and a parrot and those big puffy pants all pirates wear.”

“You’re my favourite captain too,” Beca murmurs, “Because, like, there can be more than one captain.”

(The conversation has kind of lost its way, but it’s nice, and Beca would’ve stayed out there all night drinking beer with Chloe Beale if it didn’t start freaking raining seconds later. Fucking bitch weather always out to kill her vibe. And she totally does not scream that at the sky or anything.)

-x-

Chloe picks her up at seven thirty. Which is weird, considering they live in the same house.

“You didn’t need to ring the bell,” Beca says incredulously, Chloe stood on the doorstep. She’s wearing an off-the-shoulder floral dress that cuts just above her knees, a denim jacket and the same shoes from the photograph she sent earlier. She’s a fucking goddess. “You literally live here. You have keys.”

“I know, but the thought of someone picking me up for a date always gets me really excited, you know?” Chloe says, “I mean the surprise is kind of spoiled because you already know which car I drive, but I do have a brand new playlist I created on Spotify in preparation, and that kind of thing gets you way more excited than cars do.”

Admittedly, Beca is curious, and the effort is really touching so she lets the initial weirdness slide. “As long as there isn’t any Taylor Swift, I’m totally yours, dude.”

Chloe lifts her head. “I can’t promise that. She does have some non-breakup songs that completely fit the occasion. You look beautiful, by the way.”

The compliment is so honest and pure that it knocks some of the air out of Beca’s lungs, because Chloe just called her beautiful, and it’s the first time in a long time that she’s heard that from someone who actually means it (and who she wants to mean it). Chloe just called her beautiful on their doorstep in the most normal day in March, with a giant red splodge on her chin where Amy admittedly popped her zit successfully, and Beca wonders if she might end up remembering this day for the rest of her goddamn life.

“You look great too,” Beca says, which is an understatement, but whatever. “Now, where are you taking me?”

It turns out Chloe has booked a table at a really posh restaurant in the city, which makes Beca feel a little uncomfortable because she’s the kind of girl who is happier with takeaway pizza and sweatpants, but she trusts Chloe and her instincts. They end up at the top of a really tall building surrounded by glass and from their table they can see across the whole of Atlanta, beautiful and illuminated by artificial light. Before she sits Beca presses a hand against the window, waving at the world below.

“You like it?” Chloe asks, standing next to her. Their reflections blur, merging into one another, like for a moment they’re the same person. “Someone I used to work with recommended it to me. Told me it was like you were on top of the world.”

Beca grins; she’s on top of the world, but it’s not all because of the view.

-x-

Surprisingly, Beca doesn’t actually hate the date. For brief, dark seconds she imagines Jesse is the one sat in the chair opposite and her stomach turns, tangled with nerves, scared she’s going to do the wrong thing or say something stupid or embarrass herself in front of her boyfriend. But she blinks and there’s Chloe, grinning and talking madly, and she’s not anxious at all.

(Fuck you, Amy. Shitting has been avoided, absorbent underwear aside.)

They do cute couple-y things like hold hands across the table and share dessert and make other diners uncomfortable. It doesn’t bother her. It’s not new knowledge to her that some people are yet to be dragged into the twenty-first century. She lets Chloe chat the evening away, because listening to Chloe talk is like her favourite song over and over and over again.

When the waiter drops the extortionate bill Beca doesn’t want the night to end. Luckily, Chloe has no plans to.

“Do you wanna see something awesome?” she says, lips curled into a mischievous smile, and Beca would be a grade A idiot to say no to something like that.

“Oh, absolutely.”

-x-

Apparently Chloe knows the security guard who watches over the Atlanta Aquarium. All she does is flutter her eyelashes at the guy stood at the front desk while she’s outside and the doors creak open, letting the two of them in. She grabs Beca’s hand and pulls her through corridors of eerie, dark tanks, illuminated by pale blue lights. She finally stops at a tank that takes over a whole back wall, fish of all shapes and sizes and colours drifting together right in front of them. It’s completely silent, other than the whirr of filters, bubbles rising to the surface.

“For the record,” Beca says, quiet and breathless, “This is the kind of shit that only ever happens in John Green novels.”

“I love John Green novels,” Chloe replies, and when Beca turns, she’s somehow fished a whole bottle of rose wine from somewhere in her jacket. Beca just shakes her head out of disbelief. “Want to get drunk in an aquarium with me?”

Beca untwists the cap, taking the first drink. “As if you even had to ask that question.”

They sit down on the floor a few meters away from the glass and pass the bottle between them, toes of their shoes touching the tank. Beca watches as a fish doused in bronze swims out in front of them, face touching the glass. She lazily points out in front of them. “That one looks like you.”

Chloe snorts. “What, because it’s red?”

“Yeah. It’s red. Like you.”

“In that case,” Chloe leans out, clumsy fingertip landing where a near-microscopic fish internally lit up by a flash of electric blue sits unmoving. “That one looks like you.”

“Well, it’s a good job I’m no longer sensitive about height jokes. You lose.”

Chloe brings the bottle to her lips, taking a sip before speaking. “You know… I meant what I said earlier.”

Beca brushes a strand of her hair away from her face. “About what?”

“That you look beautiful,” Chloe answers matter-of-factly. Beca’s heart stops. “I just think—like, sometimes you need telling. That you are. Beautiful, I mean. I don’t think you believe it.”

Beca half-remembers some line Jesse used on her in freshman year, something about being halfway to his standard of beautiful, and how it didn’t really bother her at the time but after the breakup it kind of gnawed at her, like she was the person she is now because of him and what she thought he wanted. But Chloe… she’s never expected her to be anything, to look like anything. She just wants her to be Beca, whether that’s with the earspike or not, and maybe it took her too long to realise that. Jesse was nice, sure. But there was always this extra layer of expectation with him. Like—she wasn’t quite perfect, to him, and he was trying his hardest to make her that way.

She doesn’t want to be the perfect girlfriend. She likes being messy and nervous and a bit out of control, sometimes. And Chloe gets that. Chloe has always got that.

Beca takes a long drink, refusing to meet Chloe’s eye. She watches the fish, a beautiful, messy rainbow of colours and movement, and how that’s a bit like the Bella’s, this crazy group of crazy girls that somehow all work. “You know, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about—what would’ve happened to me, if you’d never violated me in the showers that day. Like where would I be right now, without the Bella’s? And without… well, you.”

Chloe shrugs nonchalantly, but Beca feels her shoulders tighten. “I don’t know, Becs. I don’t tend to dwell on what ifs. I like the here and now.”

Beca smiles into the bottle. “Yeah, I mean, the here and now is pretty good.”

“Yeah?” Chloe smiles back. Her feet reach out, her toes tapping against Beca’s. “I think it’s pretty good too.”

-x-

“Can I tell you a secret?”

“Go for it, dude.”

“I was… really nervous about tonight. Like, really nervous.”

“What? Really?”

“Yeah. Totally skitzing it. I rang up Aubrey in a total panic. Luckily she knocked some sense into me. You know what she’s like.”

“…What did Aubrey say? If you don’t mind me asking.”

“She said get a grip Chloe, this is Beca Mitchell we’re talking about, she might think she’s God’s gift but she’s really not that special.”

“Geez. She doesn’t live and let die, does she?”

“No, no, but—she also said that out of everyone, she’d never seen anyone make me so happy, so you mustn’t be all bad. Mostly, but not all.”

“…I make you happy?”

“Of course you do, weirdo. Before you rolled into my life there was, like, a huge Beca-shaped hole in it. Only I didn’t realise it was Beca-shaped at the time, but if I had that would’ve been a really weird coincidence, right?”

“Huh. Yeah. Right.”

-x-

(It’s weird, because there’s always been a hole in Beca’s life too, and it’s the kind of hole that’s made her feel completely and utterly empty for so many years, and when Jesse didn’t fill it she thought there was something seriously wrong with her. But then Chloe—she slipped in so effortlessly Beca didn’t even realise, and it knocks her for six, because an actual person has made her feel actually complete for once in her turbulent life and it happened so naturally that it passed her by, passed her perfectly, and everything is suddenly right.)

-x-

They finish the night where it all started. On Chloe’s balcony.

The wine is long gone but Beca knows where Jessica hides her secret stash (in the gap behind the fridge, FYI, she’s really not that stupid, Jess) so she brings back two full bottles, drops one in Chloe’s lap. She has no idea where the rest of the girls are but there’s music, bassy and loud, coming from the Treble’s House—a party she’s missing out on, perhaps, not that she cares.

“I think I’ve realised something,” Beca says, plonking herself down next to Chloe, their knees touching. Chloe lifts her head up as if to say oh? “Yeah. I don’t think I actually hate dating.”

“Oh!” Chloe squeals excitedly, “Have I officially converted you?”

“Oh, no, not at all,” Beca says, killing Chloe’s high with a grin when she looks like a wounded puppy, “No, it was great, I loved it. But—I’m thinking, maybe it wasn’t the dating I hated? Maybe it was the… company, I wasn’t happy with.”

Chloe grins quietly, staring down at her knees, where Beca’s hand rests on her own. Her fingers reach across, cover them, and Beca clings on like a lifeline. “What about now?”

“This company,” Beca says, raising their intertwined hands, studying them carefully like she’s working them out. She nods resolutely. “I think this company is kind of alright.”

It would be just wrong for Chloe not to lean across and kiss her.

-x-

“By the way, that picture you sent me was, like, smoking hot.”

“Oh, you liked it?”

“Chlo, Amy thought I was looking at porn, that’s how much I liked it.”

“Well… there’s plenty more where that came from.”

“There better be. You know I’m only dating you for sexy photos, right?”

“Yeah. Totally. I knew that was a given the minute I asked you out.”

“Good. I’m glad we’re on the same page. It would be a bit embarrassing if we weren’t.”

“Good.”

“Awesome.”

“Cool.”

“…Should we kiss again?”

“That sounds like a great plan.”

“Awesome.”

#pitch perfect #pitch perfect fic #fanfiction #bechloe #bechloe fic #beca x chloe #beca mitchell #chloe beale

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jaceythejester · 6 years

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Tagged: Ask meme (50) - (96)

Tagged by @cookiespanda 😂😂😂

(50) Do You Fear Thunder / Lightning? I had a dream when I was outside and there was this big thunder and lighting, I ran like a shirtless Michael B Jordan was waiting inside the nearest building.

(51) Do You Like To Read / Write? I love both. If I am somewhere that it’s not convenient for me to read, I’ll just listen to an audiobook or a podcast.

(52) Do You Like Your Music Loud? It depends on my mood. Sometimes I play the music loud in the shower. When I write, there are times when I’m so focused that I can’t hear the music.

(53) Would You Rather Carve Pumpkins Or Wrap Presents? Carve pumpkins. I’ve never done it before.

(54) Put Your Music On Shuffle, What Is The First Song That Came Up?Rihanna - Diamonds

(55) What Season Are You In Right Now? (Weather) Summer. It’s endless because we only have 2 and a half seasons here.

(56) What Are You Craving Right Now? A&W’s waffle to go.

(57) Post A Screenshot Of Your Tumblr Feed. Can’t. Something gay and nsfw is sure gonna come up 😂

(58) What Is Your Gender? Female. For some reason, people always think I’m a dude on the internet and on MMORPG ..

(59) Coffee Or Tea? Coffee.

(60) Do You Have Any Homework Right Now? If So, What Is It About? No homework because I’m not a student. Just working on Becca’s tattoo theory video, The Junior Theory video, and Enneagram for TF and TS characters and reading fan fictions submitted from other writers for my Becca x MC x Kaitlyn fan fiction prompt #1.

(61) What Is Your Sexuality? I’m bisexual.

(62) Do You Make Your Bed In The Morning? I choose not to.

(63) Favourite Pokemon? Don’t have one.

(64) Favourite Social Media? Tumblr, of course. The gayest social media in humankind history.

(65) What’s Your Opinion On Instagram Stories? I used to like SnapChat more but now that they added some changes ...

(66) Do You Get Homesick? Never. Home is wherever I am.

(67) Are You A Virgin? Is this a real question? 😂

(68) What Shampoo And Conditioner Are You Using Right Now? Pantene.

(69) If You Were Far From Home And Needed To Sleep For The Night, Would You Choose To Rent A Crappy Motel Room For $60 Or Sleep In Your Car For Free? In my car. There was this one time in 2013 when I was still a student in Japan and I flew from Tokyo to another city and I didn’t have much money and I didn’t book any hotel room because I thought I’d sleep in my sitting position on a seat at the airport because my family would arrive the next morning anyway. I didn’t know that the airport wouldn’t be opened for 24 hours. (Fuck) Like others who had the same plan as me, we were all told by the security to get out of the airport. It was midnight and it was so cold, dark and disturbingly quiet outside. I wouldn’t be surprised if some zombies showed up. I stayed outside for 2 hours and it was freezing.

And all I could think about was; how the fuck do homeless people survive on the streets? I had little money and nowhere to go and didn’t know what to do. Luckily, a Vietnam guy who originally was gonna sleep inside the airport saw me and told me that there was a 24 hour family restaurant nearby. We went there with a Taiwanese girl who couldn’t speak English and Japanese well (and I can’t speak Chinese). She came from Taiwan to see a concert of her favourite Japanese band. The whole thing was unexpected but I got to experience the kindness of strangers at the same time. The 3 of us ordered something to eat and we ended up talking and hanging out until morning. Then after the airport is opened again, we all went our separate ways. From then on, I kinda want to do something big for the homeless (except giving them CPR because I don’t know how)

(70) Are Both Of Your Blood Parents Still In Your Life? My dad left when I was a kid.

(71) Whats The Next Movie You Want To See In Theaters? Wrinkle in time.

(72) Do You Miss Your Ex? Never.

(73) What Is Your Favourite Quote Right Now? Halsey - “When I sat down to do Hopeless Fountain Kingdom, I noticed that a lot of the mainstream interpretations had been done by men. So I swapped the characters so in my story, I’m Romeo. I wanted to see what would happen if the female in story chose herself.” https://youtu.be/dwTS0gJf3kI from 1:25 on. This gave me an inspiration (not an inspiration to do an interpretation because I’m a woman, but to be bold and add creativity into my original work) Let me explain. The theme of her latest album, Hopeless Fountain Kingdom was inspired by Romeo and Juliet. In her music videos for this album, Halsey is Romeo. She gender swapped the characters. That alone was bold af. Now that I understand what it feels like to put my work and my youtube videos out there, I know how “worrying about people’s responses/reactions and being afraid of criticism” from the internet feels like. And so I think what Halsey did was really bold and inspiring. I’m someone who is not shy and compared to most people around me, I am confident. I can go up to a stranger and ask for their phone number for my friends. I did that when I was a student living in Tokyo and I went to Tokyo alone to study and at that time I didn’t know anybody in Japan and I could barely speak their language. But doing that is so much easier than building confidence to start a youtube channel. At first I was so friggin’ nervous. My palms were all sweaty. My confidence went out of the window and I was so worried and afraid. I think we all know how mean people can be on the internet. Then last night I watched one of Halsey’s old interviews. She just does her thing so confidently and without hesitation (gender swapping Romeo and Juliet for her album) while being in the limelight at the same time. It’s like she’s so focused on her work that she has no room at all for fears even though she’s so young. I learned something meaningful and useful and I got really inspired. I admire her because she has wisdom to share. Wisdom that can be used in the real world. And she inspires me to focus on my work, not my fears.

(74) What Eye Colour Do You Find Sexiest? Purple. Like Danaerys Targaryen’s.

(75) Did You Like Swinging As A Child? Do You Still Get Excited When You See A Swing Set? I liked it. Now I still do and because there’s no swing set near where I live, I have an excuse to be excited.

(76) What Was The Last Thing You Ate? A&w waffle to go 😂 that I craved.

(77) What Games Do You Have On Your Phone? Life is strange, Choices, FFXV, Lineage II.

(78) Would You Give A Homeless Person CPR If They Were Dying? Why Or Why Not? I don’t know how to give CPR so I wouldn’t because I might make that person end up dying faster.

(79) Been On The Computer For 5 Hours Straight? When I was younger, I used to not sleep and not eat because I was addicted to MMORPG. (Final Fantasy XIV A Realm Reborn, TERA, Rohan and Ragnarok. I would have done the same with NieR Automata on PS4 if I were younger)

(80) Stalked Someone On A Social Network? No. Not anymore after that cute af instagram model got herself a girlfriend. Wait. What?!? 😂😂😂

(81) Do You Like Meeting New People? Yes. Meeting new people and keeping in touch are two different things so ..

(82) Do You Wear Rings? If You Do, Take A Picture Of Them. Sometimes I wear 15 rings on my both hands.

(83) Do You Sleep With Your Bedroom Door Open Or Closed? Closed. Locked. Secured.

(84) What Are Three Things You Did Today? chatting with my bff in Tokyo, getting inspired by Halsey, about to introduce something to TF/TS fandom.

(85) What Do You Wear To Bed? A plain shirt and a pair of plain sweats.

(86) List All Of Your Different Beauty Products You Have Right Now. I’m not good at makeup but my fave red lipstick is Bang by Urban Decay.

(87) Are You A Day Or Night Person? Night person. Night time is when I can connect with my muses the most.

(88) List All Of Your Video Games On Your Phone, Console Etc. That’d take the whole day so I’ll tell you some of my faves. NieR Automata, Persona 5, Dark Souls, Bloodborne, Final Fantasy XIV A Realm Reborn, Dragon Age Inquisition, Life is Strange (what I’m gonna play next)

(89) Tell Me About A Dream That You Had And When It Happened. Too nsfw to talk about hahaha

(90) Favourite Soda Drink? Melon fanta in Japan.

(91) What Sounds Are Your Favourite? Piano.

(92) Do You Wear Jeans Or Sweats More? I wear both equally. Jeans when I go out, sweats when I’m working on my youtube videos.

(93) How Do You Look Right Now? Clean and presentable. Younger than my age, hopefully.

(94) Name Something That Relaxes You. Taking a warm bath while listening to my favourite music. I think everyone should play the music loud when they take a bath to prevent them from falling asleep and drowning. I was told that it is one of the top reasons for deaths in Japan.

(95) What Tattoo Do You Want? Halsey’s lyrics. I’ve always wanted a tattoo since I was 15 but I never knew what tattoo I really wanted until a few nights ago.

(96) Favourite YouTuber? Stevie Boebi, a youtuber and a lesbian. I look up to her. When she was a kid, she got abandoned by her real mother then she was raped. It took time for her to open up about her pain and her vulnerability and now she is sharing her story with everyone on her youtube channel. She’s super strong and super inspirational.

#ask #ask meme

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agentredfort · 7 years

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ruby redfort fic masterlist

What is this- geek central?

welcome to the Ruby Redfort fic masterlist, where I do my very best to collect every single bit of fic that’s out there on the internet for your convenience!

I’m not listing these based on quality (and besides, there’s not exactly a lot out there so i can’t pick and choose) so there’s going to be a wide range of fics in this list. any fics that I especially like will be marked as [PERSONAL FAVORITE]. any fics that I’ve added in recently will be marked as [*NEW*]. ships will be tagged!

if there’s any fics that you’ve noticed I’ve missed- or if you’ve written something yourself!- either shoot me an ask or a message via Tumblr and I’ll add it straight away.

Onwards!

A Guide To Love For A Bozo [wattpad] by TeamSpectrum [multichapter, ongoing] Ruby/Clancy

This is a cluby fan-fic written by Agent Baker. Take a look to find out what happens.

despite the sparse description, this is actually pretty good.

Always [ff.net] by mockingjay341 [Oneshot, complete!]

Ruby is suffering from nightmares, but Clancy will always be there to make her feel better.

hella sweet. ruby needs a hug

Aren’t We All a Bit of a Bozo? [tumblr] by blackers-donuts [oneshot, complete!] Hitch/OC

Heather looked across at Lydia as they ate their morning toast. “LB reckons there is going to be a new coding agent today, some kid. You know, the one Hitch is looking after.”

interesting concept!!

Bozo [wattpad] by Kaya_Tano [multichapter, ongoing] Clancy/Ruby

Ruby Redfort, a thirteen year old Spectrum Agent, is facing more than just trouble at work. Her hormones are raging and her best friend Clancy Crew has fallen for her, hard. But Ruby doesn't notice because she is too busy trying to solve her latest case at Spectrum, and how will she cope when one of her closest friends is killed by the notorious murderer The Count, who is supposed to be in a high security prison? And who is the mole at Spectrum who is leaking information to him?

not bad. i’m not a big fan of the ‘spectrum pairs ruby up with a cute boy her age’ plot, but this seems to be decently-written.

Changed at Birth [tumblr] by blackers-donuts [Twoshot, now complete!] Background Hitch/Blacker

“They said mum should have killed me with iron,” whispers Ruby.

the folk tale au i never knew i wanted tbh. only halfway done at the moment but it’s such a cool concept and it fits really well??

Convincing LB [wattpad] by Jasmine3103 [Oneshot, complete!]

I really wanted to know what Hitch said in CYD to convince LB to give Ruby another chance. So here is my version.

this was a really good missing scene sorta fic! give it some love if you’ve got a chance, the author seems really lonely to me

Family Ain't Just Blood [ao3] [tumblr] by celestialskies [Oneshot, complete!] [*NEW*]

Ruby looked up, aware that she probably looked like someone had tried to rock her to sleep by dragging her through a hedge backwards several times. Six hours of sleep over three days can do that to a person.

"Couldn't sleep," she muttered. In her tired state, she barely noticed Hitch's expression shift from one of surprise surprise and mild amusement to one of concern.

Ruby can't sleep, and Hitch steps in.

goddamn, i’m always a sucker for unconventional family stories. i actually squealed when I saw this one, which should give you a pretty good idea of how much i enjoyed it

Five times Clancy Crew chained his bikes to Ruby Redfort’s and one time he didn’t [tumblr] by blackers-donuts [Oneshot, complete!] [PERSONAL FAVORITE]

The first time it was a mistake- honestly the chain accidentally went through the frame and well, it only held Ruby up temporarily.

this is really hecking cute and is just generally really great. it made me smile a lot. please check it out

Grains of Sand and Love [tumblr] by blackers-donuts [Oneshot, complete!] Ruby/Clancy

Being sixteen suddenly brought the barbecues on the beach, adolescent drinking and all the drama that it comes with.

it’s no secret by now that I love this author, this is soft and lovely and good and you should really read it

High School Sweethearts [tumblr] by blackers-donuts [Oneshot, complete!] [PERSONAL FAVORITE] Ruby/Del, Hitch/Blacker

There was no way you could look between Blacker and Hitch and think ‘brothers’.

short and oh so very sweet. i think i’m crying. this one is so good, my gay little heart is appeased

hold on tight [wattpad] by w0nderland-writing [multichapter, ongoing]

Ruby Redfort never gets a break, and in this story Ruby goes on an epic adventure in the Grand Canyon.

pretty much exactly what it says on the tin. a bit scattered but mostly coherent.

In which Ruby was right to worry [ao3] by Wolfiethepretzel [oneshot, Complete!] [*NEW*] [PERSONAL FAVORITE]

Froghorn was a constant nuisance in Ruby's life. But as soon as he disappeared she realized she'd rather him be about.

perfect Ruby characterization and some really hecking good bonding/character development. if you read nothing else on this list, at least check this one out.

Look Into His Eyes And Take Your Last Breath [wattpad] by WARNINGwhovian [very long, complete!] Clancy/Ruby, background LB/Baker [PERSONAL FAVORITE]

Meet Ruby Redfort, a super cool teenage wannabe spy. She's been through thick and thin and survived things from a giant sand timer to a legendary sea monster to invisible thieves to mythical wolves. She's already one of the most experienced agents in her agency, Spectrum, without even being an official one yet. She thinks she seen it all. But Ruby's entering a dangerous stage of life where she is vulnerable to many things, lots of things she knows nothing about. But Ruby is unduly worried about the years to come. She's a dauntless girl. But when things start to go wrong in her social life, her agent training in Spectrum and the return of an old foe start kicking off and suddenly, everything happens at once. And Ruby is faced with a choice. A dream job at a top secret spy agency with an astronomical pay, or a scrawny boy who doesn't believe in a dangerous life. Ruby Redfort, the choice is yours.

to my knowledge, the only completed longfic in the fandom so far. although it could do with a bit of editing, the quality is overall excellent and there’s some twists in there that even i wasn’t expecting. I especially loved the Ruby-Hitch dynamic and interactions in this one. If you’ve got a spare hour or two, I definitely recommend that you check it out!

Riding the Rails [tumblr] by blackers-donuts [Oneshot, complete!] Crossover with Railhead

“The Guardians want you, Ms Redfort,” says a station worker as Ruby stops her game of Rock paper scissors with Zen.

I can honestly say I’ve never heard of Railhead before, but was super cool nonetheless. it feels super surreal and the details were a+++- go check it out

Rosetta Redfort: Freefall [wattpad] by TeamSpectrum [multichapter, ongoing] background Clancy/Ruby

Ruby's daughter, Rosetta, discovers her secret-Spectrum. A conspiracy to steal a gem that will lead to a collapsing mountain and a giant flood. Will Rosetta crack like a diamond under pressure or will she stand strong?

an interesting take on a future-fic. might not be everyone’s cup of tea but i kind of liked it.

Love is blind, well Ruby is. [ao3] [tumblr] by Neondragon54 [Oneshot, complete!] Blacker/Hitch

It's well known to the entirety of Spectrum not to go into the coding room after Hitch had returned from a mission. Everyone (Blacker) is distracted and more than once has an important agent (LB) walked in on two agents kissing.

Ruby doesn't know this rule.

Goddamnit, now I’m invested in this ship. this is also super good, read it.

Movie Night [tumblr] by goldstarsforall [Oneshot, complete!] [*NEW*] Blacker/Hitch

They got to the cinema a lot earlier than either of the men expected. It was a clear night, the air felt crisp and clean and if they hadn’t booked Hitch would have just wanted to sit in the park and talk.

heckin’ cute lil’ oneshot. a Good Ship. a Good Fic.

Ruby Redfort: Don't Look Around [wattpad] by maybeitsdella [multichapter, ongoing]

Welcome back Ruby Redfort: every smart kid's smart kid.

After making Larva, Ruby Redfort's career in espionage is sending her off the ground running. There's no time to sit at home, with Clancy (who might just have a crush on her), sipping on banana milk, watching Crazy Cops. Not when the Count is still out there, and not when the Silent G is just sitting there waiting for her to fail (or die).

A promising start, this fic looks quite interesting. It’s only got a few chapters so far but I’m definitely going to be following it closely

Ruby's Rule 6 [ff.net] by mockingjay341 [Multi-chapter, ongoing!] [PERSONAL FAVORITE]

Ruby and Clancy have each other's backs - no matter what. So what will they do when they realise that sometimes our greatest strengths can also be our biggest weaknesses?

hell yeah, multi-chapter!! i really love how Ruby and Clancy bounce off each other so far, it feels super real. I’m honestly looking forward to reading more from this author. i haven’t felt this excited for a fic in a while

Silence Is Golden [tumblr] by blackers-donuts [Oneshot, complete!] [PERSONAL FAVORITE]

There was a sharp knock at the door. Ruby was finally going to bury the hatchet with Froghorn by asking him for help.

this is possibly the softest thing i’ve read in my entire hecking life. basically just the code team chilling around and bonding and honestly it’s just so sweet and good

Some kinda death wish [ff.net] by Bubbly Washing Machine [Oneshot, complete!] [PERSONAL FAVORITE]

They stood at the bottom of the stairs, in the dark, and argued. "Rube, don't go up there," said Clancy desperately, "just wait for the rest of the team." "Look bozo, someone's gotta take her out before she catches on and splits the scene." Clancy looked her in the eye, pleading. "Please. Wait for backup."

Beautiful little character study- cute and poignant.

Sweating Is Totally (not) Necessary [tumblr] by blackers-donuts [Oneshot, complete!] [*NEW*] [PERSONAL FAVORITE] Blacker/Hitch, Ruby/Del

The phone finally picked up, Ruby knew it was still Clancy’s first few weeks at the desk of Buzz and he was getting a grip with the phone system but it really should be quicker.

This wonderful person wrote this for my birthday, so of course I freaking love it. it’s a great character study and just generally all-round a Good Thing- there was a coding segment midway through that I particularly enjoyed!!

Other Things

The TeamSpectrum Collection on Wattpad- an assortment of short fics, competitions and discussions that’s been put together by a whole lot of users, including me! Definitely worth checking out.

My own wide very small assortment of fanfiction, located over on this page! it’s not included here on the masterlist because- well, posting my own stuff is a tiny bit awkward- but i hope you read and enjoy my work all the same

My ongoing Social Media AU can be found here.

LAST UPDATED: 14/08/2017

#ruby redfort #k speaks #masterlist #fanfiction

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scenarios-on-ice · 7 years

Text

Roses are red

Violets are blue

This ‘poem’ sucks but

Happy Birthday to you

(Note: there was originally like eight more cynical lines about how birthdays mean you’re that much closer to the end, but I scrapped it because when I try to use dark humor it usually just ends up kinda gruesome.

There’s probably something wrong with me and someday we’ll find out what that is, but today is not that day)

Congratulations! @(^-^)@ You were only sixteen but your mind was older- now you’re seventeen, but I’m sure the latter part of that quote still applies and the blog will blow us all away even more than before! Hope you have a wonderful, satisfying birthday despite how non-stop you are (don’t forget to take a break when you can) and one last time, congratulations!

(also depending on how the timezone difference between Croatia and Korea works, we’re only a day or two apart- my birthday is March 30th, which is tomorrow over here! :D so cool)

“Whatever you say ma'am, Furuta will pay for his behavior! I’ll use tumblr, I’ll write under a pseudonym(Evans)- you’ll see what I can do to him!

But at least since he’s dead, you can finally speak your mind?”

I know, I still like the idea of trans Mutsuki better but other than any hints dropped in canon, I just think it’s very unlikely that TG as a Japanese manga will add a 100%, conmpletely confirmed LGBTQ character. I believe Ishida himself is pretty open towards the LGBTQ community (Nico’s portrayal is a bit questionable but in an omake Yomo is shown thinking that anyone he dates could become Touka’s aunt OR uncle (though of course that could be a translation error), Shuu is a subversion of manga stereotypes regarding gay men and TG in general has a lot of interesting themes regarding sexuality and gender), but idk, the idea of a mainstream seinen manga like TG adding LGBTQ themes that go beyond heavy implication seems unlikely (though who knows, it could happen).

Mutsuki just makes me bitter. FIrst all the arguments about their gender and now I don’t even like them anymore (they used to be an adorable cinnamon roll but after recent chapters, while I still feel for them they’ve become a lot less sympathetic).

(Also this just makes me sound salty but I recently came across a very aggressive blog dedicated to reminding everybody that MUTSKI IS MALE AND YOU ARE ALL WRONG and reading through it just made me kinda mad and irritated all at once. Once a trans person made a post saying that despite being trans themself they didn’t think Mutsuki was, offering several manga moments as decent evidence and being quite polite, and the mod of this blog answered them with what basically boils down to 'lol no it’s possible to be transphobic even if you’re part of the LGBTQ community and you are clearly one of these people’.)

Don’t worry, cinnamon roll Hinami isn’t being forgotten! :) I’m really looking forward to her meeting Akira. I’ve always liked Hina but these recent chapters pushed her up on my ‘favorite characters’ list- she’s just way too sweet.

Reading the manga: wth Ishida you are officially my least favorite person like even Isayama is better than you

Reading Ishida’s translated tweets/the comments he makes in TG extras: why are you so nice

Yeah, I kinda hated Urie at first (I understood his goals and motivations but did he really have to be such a jerk? I honestly thought he was going to get somebody killed in the auction arc) but after the auction arc I started to like him better (I think the official moment I decided ‘I like Urie Kuki as a character’ was when Shirazu died) and I kinda freaked out when I realized what happened to him…

He would make a great Burr though. I think he’s way more willing to act than Burr and is not a ‘talk less, smile more’ kind of person (more like a ‘talk less and don’t smile at all’ type) but they’re still really similar. I could also see Urie singing Wait for It…with Kaneki as Hamilton. Not because Kaneki particularly fits Hamilton but because of how Burr is clearly somewhat jealous about Hamilton’s progress despite not approving of his methods in Wait For It (in an interview about the song I think LMM said something about it describing the feeling of watching your friends and acquaintances getting so far ahead in life and thinking 'Wait for it; someday I’ll get there too’).

Am I the only one who headcanons that despite acting super classy and not knowing much about rap/hip-hop before someone (maybe Hori?) gets him to listen to it, Tsukiyama actually turns out to be a really good rapper?

Speaking of Tsukiyama though, I want to see more of his interactions with Naki

Hmm, since Mado died after he was already an adult couldn’t Akira technically count? We know from omakes that Mado was a doting father and made her childhood as happy as possible, so while her life might not have been 100% perfect it was still really good in TG terms. Takizawa before he entered the academy also counts.

but even those two had so much tragedy happen to them as adults…

(also, have you started reading the manga again? :D)

ok, that sounds creepy. Not going to be watching that.

Thank you so much for the recommendations though! Not sure if I’ll get the time to watch those but I think I saw some Magi volumes in a bookstore here so maybe I’ll check that out when I have the time!

And yeah, if you have any good animes/mangas to recommend, please do! And genre doesn’t matter- though I usually prefer dark, psychological stories I’m willing to make exceptions when the series in question is really good (that’s what I did with YoI after all :) the only genres I’m really reluctant to read are horror and high school romances).

I’m glad you liked them! And nope, don’t mind at all :D fangirling

I am back! Again, happy birthday ^^ I hope the day went well for you :) How old are you now, if you don’t mind me asking? I’m guessing it’s either 14 or 15.

And thank you very much for the poem, it’s very cute! I wouldn’t have minded the extra verses. They might’ve ruined the mood a bit, tho ^^;; The theme sounds like something baroque poems would write about... Don’t mind me, I just had an exam dealing with baroque, so I’m probably prone to making bad references to it.

I will never manage to reach your level of puns... I’ll just say that I’m very satisfied with the amount of them.

“Just because he’s dead doesn’t mean he won’t come back. He died so another villain can take his place.

No matter how much I support trans Mu, I’d be very, very surprised if it actually become canon. I mean, as you’ve said, Japan and lgbt don’t quite go together that well... I guess we’ll just have to see... And nope, I still haven’t started to read the manga again. No time ^^;;

I’ve started to dislike Mu after the chapter in which his past was revealed. I just don’t have the will to stomach stories like that, honestly... Good horror/psychology manga/anime might interest me once in a while, but there’s a border I don’t like crossing. TG is waaay over it (which is probably a part of the reason why I dropped it, after all)

Gaah, it’s people like that that make dislike the lgbts... Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against people in that community and I won’t discriminate (though stuff like fictionkin and made-up pronouns do make me roll my eyes), but it’s these people that give people the wrong image about the whole community. Unfortunately, I’ve had quite a few encounters with those... aggressive people. I could go on and on about the things I saw as a part of this site, mostly concerning those ridiculous people who are probably in it because they think it’s ‘cool’ or ‘trendy’ to be bi or genderfluid. I get waaay too worked up over this theme, don’t I?

Oh, I’m so happy about her not being forgotten! She is a precious cinnamon roll and doesn’t deserve the life she has, she deserves so much better.

Boy, that sounds fun. Well, Ive had experience with the ‘reading manga’ part, but I don’t particularly follow tweets ^^;; I hope things work out in the manga!

Idk, I mean, I disliked him at first, but I got to like him very quickly. I just seem to like silent types like him (I say that, and yet I also like Phichit, Viktor, Haise and so on, who are nothing like him.... WHOOPS).

Signs that I’m slowly forgetting TG: *reading the message* ‘who... are these characters?’ I mean, I know the most important ones, like Haise, Urie, Akira and so on, but the other ones... This makes me very sad ;-;

Yeah, I guess that would make Kaneki a good Hamilton. STILL DON’T WANT BURR (COOKIE) TO KILL HIM, BECAUSE KANEKI IS A CINNAMON ROLL WHO DOESN’T DESERVE TO DIE! The dynamics between Kaneki and Urie don’t make a good Ham-Burr, but their positions in their job, so I guess they really are the best pair for Hamilton. Why did Ham have to die ;-; That makes casting so much harder for me.

Oh yeah, Tsukiyama would be an amazing rappers, I don’t doubt it at all. In fact, I’m sure that he’d be able to do Guns and Ships perfectly.

Fun fact: You made a typo saying ‘Mado died after SHE became an adult’ (I changed it) and you gave me the biggest heart attack. Pls, my phone wasn’t used to the speed with which I typed ‘TOKYO GHOUL WIKI AKIRA MADO’ to check if what you said is true. Yeah, Akira could count, I guess. That makes a total of ONE character... Not much, eh?

I don’t know if I count Takizawa... I think that the way his life is now, it very much makes up the lack of angst in his childhood.

Oh yeah, one last concern about The World Is Still Beautiful!

WHY IS THERE A CHARACTER NAMED LUNA WHO ACTS LIKE AN INSUFFERABLE BRAT DURING HER WHOLE SCREEN TIME, I DEMAND JUSTICE!

I’m done.

One last recommendation:

LOVE LIVE AKA CUTE IDOLS. I invite you to join me in the pits of idol hell :) It(s not a romance, don’t worry. Also, there’s a mobile rhythm tapping game if you’re interested :))

Ooh, I’d be so happy if you’d start reading Magi! During the later volumes, it gets reeally psychological, so I think you might like it! I’d say something, but spoilers!

Well, I’ll go add the text to the post, then ^^

#evans #tokyo ghoul anon #submission

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nienorwinchester · 7 years

Text

#2 Destiel fics REC list

You can find my first Destiel and Cockles rec list here.

I decided to make a new one because the first one was sooo big and it was time for a fresh start. :) I will update the list whenever I have a lot of new fics to add. Right now I uploaded nearly a 100 fics, so enjoy them. :)

PS: every fic is “explicit”, or at least “mature” here. And you can find two sections: “Long fics” and “Short fics”. If you not see “AU” or “A/B/O” next to the titles it means that it’s an SPN verse/canon verse fic. I don’t like OOC fics, no matter if it’s canon verse, AU or A/B/O. There’s one exception for OOC fics in here: if it’s tooo good and beautiful with fantastic story, oh, and epic. :)

Long fics (More than 30k)

Ad Interim by emwebb17 (AU)

Castiel is invited to study at the prestigious International Academy of Art and is one of the very select few who is told about the real power of Art: people and events can be influenced by the stroke of a paintbrush. As Castiel learns more about this power, he realizes he can do a lot more than what he's being taught in the classroom. Maybe even interact with the beautiful, expressive subject of his favorite four hundred year old painting.

Anything, I repeat, ANYTHING by emwebb17 is a must read. She’s one of the best Destiel and Cockles writers. Trust me, she’s never gonna disappoint you.

~~~

The Spirit of Lawrence High verse by violue (AU)

Dean Winchester is funny, gorgeous, brave, loyal, and a breath of fresh air in Castiel Shurley's life. Dean Winchester is also a ghost haunting Castiel's school, but nobody's perfect, right?

This. Is. A. Must-read. Trust me, it’s epic and it has a fantastic happy ending, no MCD. :) Oh, and read anything by violue. She’s a genius.

~~~

Carnival Oasis series by violue (AU)

The adventures of Dean Winchester and his sin eating boyfriend.

I can’t express myself well, I can’t tell you how much I love this series. It’s a beautiful masterpiece, highly rec it. :)

~~~

Unfamiliar by riseofthefallenone (AU)

“We all know that Familiars will be the closest to you. Your bond with a Familiar will transcend family, friends, and even your future husband or wife. A Familiar becomes a part of you, and you a part of them.” Mr. Adler’s dull tone rolls across the auditorium and it’s clear to everyone that he doesn’t care about the topic. It makes Castiel feel bad for his Familiar. “Now, can anyone tell me why Witches need Familiars and why they need us?”

Riseofthefallenone is one of our best authors. Highly rec all her fics.

~~~

The Complete Works of Emmanuel Allen by violue (AU)

Dean Winchester, reluctant business owner, reluctant home owner, and reluctant cat owner, is striking up a very promising friendship with the author of his favorite book series.

And he has no idea.

Violue is one of our best authors. I highly rec all of her fics. :)

~~~

Dean Winchester Is a Gay Virgin by betts (her old name was betty days, sadrobots) (AU)

"Dean Winchester has a grand total of two big secrets:

Secret #1 is that he’s a virgin.

Secret #2 is that he’s gay."

***

Dean Winchester is a college junior, a full-time mechanic, and a baseball superstar. He's so far in the closet, he can't find a way out. Then he meets Castiel Krushnic, the totally dreamy President of the LGBTQA Alliance at school, and finds out that Cas has some dark secrets of his own.

This. Is. A. Must. Read. Anything by betts is perfect. I highly rec all of her fics.

~~~

Dear Dean by anyrei, Drunk_Idjit

Season 10. Takes place right after Dean is cured and decides to take a break from the hunting life to get back on his feet. Cas is on his mission finding rogue angels with Hannah. Sam suggests a dating website for Dean so he can look for new friends, or something more. He wants Dean to feel like a normal human being again. Cas finds out and decides to start writing to Dean anonymously through the website.

Seriously guys, you have to read this. Perfect amount of angst, hurt/comfort and fluff. Not some cliché fic, so highly rec it.

~~~

First Gentleman Wanted by youaresunlight (AU)

President of the United States Castiel Novak is popular, charismatic, and knee-deep in campaigning for a second term. He’d be the ideal candidate if it weren’t for the fact that he hasn’t dated once while in political office. With his opponent’s relentless PR team calling him incapable of emotional commitment, Castiel’s staff decides to remedy the situation by finding their boss a fake, picture-perfect boyfriend. And when Dean Winchester enters the scene, he and Cas become America’s new favorite couple, except they’ve got a whole lot of history between them and complicated feelings to resolve.

~~~

Written in the Scars on Our Hearts by elizaye (A/B/O)

Dean's... content. He's single, and he'll probably stay that way for the rest of his life. He screwed up his relationship with Cas, fucked up badly enough that no one in their right mind would take him back, and really, Dean's already stupidly lucky that he's allowed to see Ariel at all, let alone have her over at his place every other weekend. It's more than he deserves, but hell, he's not about to give it up. He's accepted the consequences for his actions, and he's content. At least, he thinks he is.

Here’s the link for the whole series.

~~~

Angel Bridge by Desirae (AU)

“Oh, I’m just peachy Cas. I just have one question for you.”

“Of course, Dean, what is it?” Cas said, reaching out a steadying hand to his chilled shoulder.

“Did you rent me a haunted fucking cabin?”

When paranormal writer Dean Winchester decided to spend a quiet summer writing in Echo Lake Maine, he never expected to stumble onto a century old Ghost story. Falling in love with his adorably sexy landlord, shop keeper Castiel Novak definitely wasn’t in his plans either. Sometimes the unexpected is the best thing that could ever happen to you.

~~~

Ignore the Butterflies: Best Friend Advice from Dean Winchester by impatient14 (AU)

What do you get when you add Firefighter!Dean to standoffish-Doctor!Castiel?

A thousand other fics, you say?

Aaaand what’s your point exactly??!?!

Dean likes his doctor, but his doctor doesn’t like him.

Accidental friendship ensues, heartwarming bonding type moments occur, and oops!friends become best!friends.

But best friends aren’t supposed to feel the way Dean feels about Castiel. He knows this. So he ignores all the things that he can’t help feeling. When he sits and watches a movie with his best friend or when they are arguing about which method of coffee brewing is best, he pointedly doesn’t look at his friends lips, or the adorable way he tilts his head when he doesn’t understand.

Dean ignores his feelings.

That’s the way he knows how to keep his best friend.

Just ignore the butterflies.

~~~

Plain and Tall by destielpasta, mtothedestiel (AU)

Dean is a Kansas farmer who only wants to work his land and care for his infant daughter. With his wife gone and his brother moving on to a life beyond the homestead, Dean finds himself in need of another pair of hands. Castiel, a lonely drifter freshly arrived in town, may prove the solution to Dean’s troubles. Over the course of four seasons, the two men face the everyday challenges of prairie life, and learn to overcome the betrayals of their past to discover a new definition of family.

~~~

Touch of Silence by anyrei

Dean touches Cas after he got his grace back and the mark is silent for the first time.

~~~

Autrement, Danger - or, The Account of an Exceedingly Long Day by awed_frog

When Dean looks at it, he sees Cas, and he's not happy about it. When Sam looks at it, he sees Jess, which is even more unfair and fucked up. And when Cas looks at it - hell, who knows what Cas is even thinking? Dean is not asking him, because he really doesn't care - like, at all.

~~~

Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore by Lyekka

Attempting to help Castiel embrace his newfound humanity, Dean embarks on a mission to finally get his friend laid. Plot derails quickly and some shenanigans and awkward sexual tension ensue.

~~~

Kissing It Bitter Trilogy by strangenessandcharm

This was originally a one-off in which I wanted Dean to save Castiel. And then Castiel ended up reciprocating, and then Lilith got involved, and, well, this happened. Contains much sexin' and some violence... but, yeah, mainly sexin'.

~~~

Get Knocked Down, Get Back Up by Unforth (A/B/O)

With an over-sensitive sense of smell, omega Dean Winchester finds the scent of most potential mates to be, frankly, nauseating. Enter alpha Castiel, who smells fracken *perfect* but has problems of his own.

~~~

Convenient Husbands by Annie D (scaramouche) (AU)

"It's only temporary, right?" Dean says. "Just until you're healed up, and then we'll never have to see each other again. So what do you say, Castiel, do you want to marry me or not?"

A beautiful and hot must-read. :)

~~~

Gravity vs Velocity by PaperAnn (A/B/O)

Newton's law of universal gravitation states that any two bodies in the universe attract each other with a force that is directly proportional to the product of their masses and inversely proportional to the square of the distance between the two bodies.

Dean swears he feels an honest-to-goodness gravity (not any scent-true-mates-bullshit) pulling him to a mysterious omega and makes the worst mistake of his career... he only has one thing to say...

Fuck science.

~~~

The Melting ’Verse by stangenessandcharm

The epic love story of Dean and Castiel told in 110,000 words. Stuffed to the brim with angel!porn, whump, angst, action, wing!porn and occasional soppiness, and Sam doesn't get neglected either. (Although he doesn't partake in the angel!porn, I should probably add.) Some of it's really, really dark (with non-con), so be prepared for that if you're just looking for a little schmoop.

This is EPIC. With BAMF!Cas. Fantastic, I highly rec it. :)

~~~

To Raise A King by riseofthefallenone (AU)

This must be some kind of horrible joke at Castiel’s expense. Is he truly expected to protect a King? One who has been their enemy for as long as he can remember? He is much more suited to being a part of the army, or at the very least someone who helps to train the knights. That would be far more preferred than having to watch over the King. It means Castiel would get to keep fighting – and that’s the only way he knows to give meaning to his life.

~~~

Into Your Hideaway by thepinupchemist (A/B/O)

Driving down a deserted road in the Rocky Mountains, Castiel finds something unexpected: An omega. Not only an omega, but a naked, injured, pregnant omega.

Dean doesn't talk much at first, but that doesn't change the brightness of his soul.

It also doesn't stop Castiel from falling in love with him.

~~~

Thursday’s Child by strangenessandcharm

Spoilers for 5.04, 'The End'. So I got to wondering: what would have happened if past!Dean hadn’t turned up in 2014, and future!Dean had actually succeeded in killing Lucifer with the Colt? Apparently, it involves lots of angsting. Who knew? 114,000 words total.

You have to watch the fic’s trailer too. It’s fantastic.

~~~

When Worlds Collide by jhoom

When Zachariah dies, the illusions he’s created die with him. But before they collapse completely, sometimes they collide. That’s how Castiel goes from cradling Dean Winchester’s broken body one moment, to finding himself face to face with Dean Smith in the next.

This story starts in the moments after 2009 Dean is pulled from the Endverse back into his own timeline. We follow Endverse Castiel as he’s sucked into the Terrible Life Verse. Confronted with Dean Smith, Castiel begrudgingly tries to deal with the fact that he’s still alive and that he’s stuck with some strange Dean. (Worse yet, he might be developing feelings for this other man.)

But is Castiel the only one who slipped between the cracks between one world and another? And how and why did Castiel end up in Dean Smith’s apartment?

THIS! This is... Wow. This is something new and different and good and just sooo sooo beautiful. Definitly a must-read. :)

~~~

To Build A Home by anyrei, mugglerock

Dean Winchester had a quiet life. Quiet, but good. He had a great car, awesome parents, successful brother, and a beautiful house he built with his own two hands. Despite that, it had never felt like a home. And then, one day, he finds a naked man, lost and confused in the woods. How was he to know his life would never be the same again?

This is epic, and beautiful and something sooo new and great. :) I loved it so much :)

~~~

You Can't Spell Subtext

by LadyTuesday

... without S-E-X. Or, Five Times that Dean Fucked with Cas, and the One Time Cas Fucked Back.

Plot - The first time it happens, it’s a genuine accident. Dean’s mind wanders in a completely random, not-at-all-planned direction by sheer happenstance; he’d swear to it on a stack of bibles. He doesn’t mean to think of Cas while whacking it. But as he lays on the bed recovering from a mind-blowing orgasm after having a fantasy about the angel and he’s pretty sure Cas mentally witnessed said fantasy, Dean can’t help thinking … this could be fun.

~~~

The Heart of Ophelia by anyrei, mugglerock

Always throwing himself in harm’s way for the Winchesters, Castiel ends up getting hit with a love curse. Under the influence of fabricated emotions, Castiel learns just how dangerous unrequited love can be. And Dean learns what it means to doubt everything he’s ever believed. They have a week to find a way to lift the curse, otherwise the intoxication of “love” will kill Castiel. Literally.

THIS... This is sooooo good and epic, and love. Sorry, I love their works so much. xD

~~~

Our Home Below by jupiter_james (AU)

Statistically speaking, any two people in the world are sharing the breaking of a mating bond through some sort of tragedy at any given time. Unbeknownst to either of them, Castiel Novak and Dean Winchester become widowers at the same time, joining the statistics together. Through a change of scenery and the need to rebuild their shattered lives elsewhere due to the sudden breaking of their mating bonds, Castiel and Dean meet in their new hometown of Halcyon, Maine; population: barely a handful. Despite both being alphas, they are immediately drawn towards one another. Their shared circumstances, combined with the strong urge to scent bond, sends them both reeling. The only problem is that Castiel refuses to set himself up for the same heartbreak a second time. And no matter how hard Dean tries not to, he can't seem to come across as anything other than the stereotypical alpha jerk when confronted with the intriguing doctor. But fate keeps bringing them together, so Castiel keeps trying to figure Dean out, while Dean just plain old keeps trying.

Some of you know, that it’s hard for me to find great A/B/O fics. And besides that, alpha/alpja pairings is my weakness. And if these three meet with epicness, not-OOC characters and good writing... The result is something beautiful. Like this perfection. <3

~~~

like moses and batman and james dean by saltyfeathers (AU)

dean used to turn tricks. over a decade later, he met cas.

Seriously, I’m the kind of reader who closes a fic as soon as I see that the title and summary don’t have capital letters. Oh, man, I’m so glad that I didn’t do that with this epic beauty.

~~~

I Can Make You Scared by Dangerousnotbroken (AU)

So this is how it goes. Best day of Dean Winchester’s life. Loses his job, finds out he’s been cheated on, gets dumped, all in the course of one fucked up Thursday. Drinking himself into oblivion is the natural response, right? A chance encounter in a dingy dive bar gives Dean a new friend who sees his problems and likes him anyway. Now, as Dean struggles to pick up the pieces of his life, Castiel just might help him put them back together in a way he never expected.

~~~

No Words by Ltleflrt (AU)

On the run from his very powerful family, Castiel does his best to get lost. Because if he doesn't know where he is, his brothers won't be able to find him very easily either. He ends up in Silverton, a small mountain town nestled deep within the Rocky Mountains where he meets Dean Winchester, a very beautiful and very grumpy omega.

I think I finally found my most favourite, the most epic long A/B/O fic. I tried so much, they always had something that put me off, but this was perfection. Not OOC, not feminizied characters, great story and plot and and ultimate happy ending. :) Just like with “Into Your Hideaway”. I nearly cried for joy and the end, and it’s something, because it’s not easy to make my cry happy. xD

~~~

Short fics (Less than 30k)

If the World Doesn't End by Obsessionist

"If everything goes according to plan, the world won't end tomorrow. But I won't be there to see it. So since this is probably my last night on earth, I'm going to do something I have wanted to do for a very long time." -Dean's last night on Earth.

It. Is. Epic. Trust. You have to read this gem.

~~~

Gray Matter by PaperAnn (A/B/O)

It should have been a night like any other night, but for Dean Winchester this evening was different.

Tonight was his last on Earth.

The omega finally snapped; the weight of his kills moonlighting as an assassin were too heavy to carry. So he decided to set out to numb the pain with whiskey and the white noise of whatever seedy bar he randomly ambled into. Although he’d intended to drown his sorrows alone, a bold alpha (who introduced himself as Castiel) wormed his way into his party-for-one, but more importantly: his story.

After brazenly announcing that Dean’s plan to shoot himself in the head was “unoriginal,” the alpha lured him out into the bar to prove there are much more interesting and creative ways to go.

A bizarre, deranged game turns into a night of passion, and leads Dean into introspective questions he never would've asked before. Maybe everything wasn’t as black and white as he thought, maybe there’s more to his own story that he, himself, didn’t even know. The stupid fucking alpha had transformed his world into shades of gray and made him doubt everything.

Trust me, this is AN EPIC one. You have to read it, it has a mindblowing and fantastic plottwist. I know, it’s a bit heavy topic, but I swear that it has a beautiful ending.

~~~

Just After, But Before by cymbalism

Just after Purgatory, but before whatever's next, Dean has a broken angel to put back together.

~~~

The Allure of Hidden Lace by Dangerousnotbroken

Now that they've got the bunker, an actual home to live in and a place to cultivate comfort, Dean finds himself creating routines, exprimenting in the kitchen, and enjoying life off the road. He also finds that it's pretty impossible to escape the watchful eye of a former angel who seems pretty goddamned observant.

~~~

Blue by profoundfall (AU)

Dean and his boyfriend Castiel go to Sam's house where a birthday surprise is in store.

Inspired by this video.

It’s not explicit but you’ll love it, trust me. It’s beautiful.

~~~

More Than Meets the Eye by zation

Dean has the perfect life. Beautiful wife, nice kid, steady job and a great house. A white picket fence-y kind of life, really. Then one day he wakes up unexplainably sad and when he meets construction worker Castiel things just kind of spiral out of control.

Or,

The one where Dean knows something is wrong but doesn’t know what. Until he does.

~~~

Negotiating the Spot by shiphitsthefan

"They lie there in a comfortable silence for a while, Dean on his back with his eyes closed and Cas on his side curled around him. Eventually, Cas’ back starts to hurt, and his arm starts going numb beneath the pillow, squashed by the weight of his head and the odd angle. This is becoming a common problem when they cuddle after sex, and Cas doesn’t understand why."

The wet spot on the bed often poses a problem once the afterglow subsides, but rarely does it offer solutions.

A prequel to Under Honor; Honor-Bound; Until the Stars, but can easily be read as a stand-alone fic.

~~~

Porntastic 'verse by zation

Dean and Cas are waiting for Sam. Dean is bored and Cas is watching porn, apparently.

Or,

The one where Cas decides to learn by doing and where Dean reaps the benefits.

~~~

Stay by anyrei

After Dean loses Sam to the Darkness he only has his angel left.

~~~

Fucking With Fire series by Duckyboos (AU)

The story of how Dean Winchester went from a car thief to one of the baddest motherfuckers in the Russian Mafia.

~~~

I Want To Squeeze You by zation (AU)

Yeah, Sammy really wants to celebrate Dean’s birthday by buying his big bro a lap dance, except it’s not just any kind of dance and Dean is quite frankly a little uncomfortable at the prospect. But hey, who is he to deny his baby brother the chance to make him happy, right?

Or,

The one where Castiel is a fucking delicious-looking dancer and where Dean just can’t resist.

~~~

Destiel ficlets by justlittleoldunkillableme (AmbecaWatson)

Dean and Castiel share a profound bond. So much is obvious to them. They fall in love and begin to sleep with each other, taking breaks from saving the world whenever they can. But is this enough? Will they be able to preserve their love even when the tasks given to them in the set-up of the bigger story get in their way?

A series of ficlets that tie in with canon, but enhance and sweeten it with Destiel.

~~~

Angel Feathers by anyrei

Some nasty witches found a spell to harvest angel’s feathers which has huge consequences for Cas and Dean's future.

~~~

I Know What You Like by JinxedAmbitions (AU)

Castiel agrees to help Gabriel out by being a production assistant at his porn company. However, when porn star Dean Winchester comes onto him on set, who is Cas to say no, especially when Dean seems to know all the things that turn Cas on most?

~~~

Heat of the Moment by RipUpTheEnding (A/B/O)

In which Sam plans a family vacation at a horse ranch, Cas gets his first human illness (sort of), and Dean finally pulls his stupid alpha head out of his ass.

~~~

There Are No Lies on Your Body by tiptoe39

There are no lies on your body / So take off your dress / I only want to get at the truth -Meat Loaf

~~~

Hitchin' a Ride by Unforth (AU)

Dean thought his day couldn't possibly get any worse until some douche bag went and topped things off by stealing his bicycle.

~~~

We Finally Got It All Right by superhoney (AU)

Dean and Castiel are roommates. They’re best friends. Things are great the way they are. Except for the part where they’re in love with each other, but they’re both too scared to ruin their friendship by admitting it-- until one night of lowered defences, lowered inhibitions, and lowered body temperature turns into something neither of them was expecting.

~~~

The King's Angel by brimac0518 (AU)

Long has Castiel, the Angel of Azare, stood by his king's side. Yet in the face of a possible arranged marriage, can Dean, the king of Azare, let his knight go?

~~~

The Vessel by chellefic

When his vessel goes missing, Castiel turns to Dean for help.

~~~

I Could Go With You by impulse_baker

Alternate to season 11 finale: Dean can't leave without telling Cas what he has been too stupid to say for seven years.

~~~

Let's Call The Whole Thing Off by Unforth (AU)

Seasonal work is a bitch. Unemployed, crashing on Sam's couch, Dean gets an interview for a lifeguard position at Angel Enterprises. The only questions are, where is the fucking pool, and why is the Russian guy so damn hot?

Hilarious, hot, a must-read. :) Unforth is a fantastic author, highly rec all her fics. :)

~~~

Delirium and Doctor Sexy by almaasi

Dean got hit by a wave of magical gas while protecting Sam, and now he's curled up in a motel bed, watching comfort TV on his laptop and hallucinating. Cas hangs around to look after him. But Dean thinks the friendly angel at his bedside is actually his favourite fictional beefcake, Dr. Sexy, M.D.. With all inhibitions on standby, Dean might admit a few things about himself he never dared to tell anyone before.

It’s not an explicit one, but hey, it’s beautiful and almaasi is one of our best authors. Highly rec all her fics. :)

~~~

Love in an Elevator by bellacatbee (A/B/O)

Dean Smith is working late when the elevator breaks down, trapping him and an Omega from accounting between floors.

The Omega, Castiel, is in heat and although Dean tries to resist him and the sweetness of his scent, they end up mating.

Dean doesn't expect to ever see the Omega again but then he hears that Castiel is being fired and that he's pregnant.

~~~

Untitled by SameDestination

Dean tries on Castiel's trenchcoat. Smut ensues.

~~~

Inhuman by Annie D (scaramouche)

Dean has learned that sex is different when there's an angel involved.

~~~

College Boys series by thelonelywriter (AU)

The collection in which Dean and Cas are roommates and boyfriends in college, Cas the artist and Dean the football player.

~~~

Songbird by alternaurora (AU)

“Tread lightly, Winchester. The internet would have a field day if they found out you met your lyricist on Grindr.”

“It was Tinder!”

“Like that makes it any better. But hey, I’m not judging. And from what I can tell working with him through the label, Cas is a sweetheart, so good on you two for whatever messed up situation it is you’ve got going on.” Charlie laughs, the sound turning into a giggly sigh. “His sexting is probably so poetic.”

It’s a beautiful AU. You should give it a chance. :)

~~~

Beautiful, Dirty, Itch by Annie D (scaramouche)

A very porny commentfic written for spnkink_meme. The prompt was for Dean and Castiel's first time to include rimming.

Trust me, it’s hot as hell, you shouldn’t miss this one. :)

~~~

All I Want Is You by OverlordWaffles

Dean and Sam team up with another hunter to take down a demi-god obsessed with male sexual organs that is responsible for a series of violent suicides that caught the attention of the local newspaper. Finding a ritual equal parts humiliating and weird, the three hunters try to summon the thing to take it down. When it latches on to their new hunting companion, Dean pays the price and has to face the aftermath of the demi-gods venomous kiss with Castiel's help.

~~~

Haunting In The Hamptons by Desirae

Sam opened the cooler with a sigh. "Seriously Dean? Did you pack anything besides Angry Orchard, hot dogs and chocolate?"

"Uh, yeah. There's marshmallows and graham crackers in my duffel," Dean burst out laughing at the look of horror on his brother's face.

Team Free Will investigates a series of deaths in New Hampshires' Hampton Beach. People are going into the ocean and not coming out, in attempts to rescue a drowning girl no one can see. The boys try to solve the case while Dean attempts to show fallen Castiel the joys of camping, s'mores and dual sleeping bags.

~~~

Surrender Tastes Sweet by BadassCompany

Dean Winchester's never been much of one for surrender. But the ache in his shoulder, in the print that Cas left there - it won't go away. It's just another night in another divey motel room... Until a certain angel shows up. Dean finds out that sometimes, just sometimes, surrender tastes sweet.

Beautiful, epic, hot. You have to read this one. :)

~~~

Three’s A Crowd by strangenessandcharm

Okay, so, you’re a ghost. And you’re in love with Dean Winchester, but he doesn’t know you exist. Awkward, right? But not nearly as awkward as it gets when the man you love is rescued from Hell by an angel and you realize that they’re destined to end up together. So you find yourself caught in a love triangle between a ghost, a human and an angel, and you’re the only one who even knows it’s even happening. Frankly, it’s driving you nuts...

Epic, epic, epic. You have to READ it. Fantastic and beautiful masterpiece.

~~~

Teach Me by Chiyume

A movie night in the bat cave takes an unexpected turn when Castiel asks Dean for a favor...

~~~

Missed Connection by NuwandaSnicket (AU)

While reading a book outside, Castiel meets a charming stranger, but their encounter is cut short before he can even learn the man's name. Luckily, a 'Missed Connections' note saves the day.

~~~

Freckles by 2spooky4u

"I had to draw all them perfectly," Cas insists, and Dean suddenly can't get rid of the image of Cas, clutching on to a Crayola washable marker, jamming it into his skin forcefully like a little kid mashes his markers on the paper in a vehement attempt to make the color deeper.

"And now you're insulted 'cause I don't appreciate 'em?" Dean asks, bewildered.

"No," Cas lies petulantly.

"Huh." The stubborn child version of Cas Dean has painted in his mind is now clutching his paper possessively, shielding it from scrutiny.

They drive in silence for a while.

"Thank you for making my freckles," Dean grouses finally, knowing that it's the only way Cas will forgive him.

((((OR, IN WHICH CAS LIKES DEAN AND HIS FRECKLES, AND DEAN IS STUBBORNLY HETEROSEXUAL))))

~~~

Eyes on the Road, Hands On The Wheel by Chiyume

After being nagged into it by his brother, Dean takes on the task of teaching Castiel how to drive; a task that turns out to be harder to accomplish than one would have thought since neither Cas nor Dean seems capable of watching the road...

~~~

There Are Many Things by imogenbynight

In which Dean and Castiel learn, through trial and error, how to be together.

~~~

Oscillation by nekosmuse

Sexual identity crisis aside, Dean's man enough to admit he's in love with Castiel. Has been for years. Which would be fine, really, if he could get past the whole unrequited, unworthy business, because maybe then he could move on with his life, get back to having sex on a semi-regular basis. Aaron's the first person to pique his interest in far, far too long.

~~~

Roost by almaasi (AU)

Fluffy chicken AU. Dean is a dangerous, black-feathered fiend – a demon in the ring, hell-bent on tearing his opponent apart so that he himself might live. He's a bird bred to fight. His last match was against the infamous Castiel, a dominating white gamecock with nigh uncontrollable power. The duel was meant to be to the death. But then it all ended; they were put in cages and carted off to somewhere much brighter and greener. Now Dean and Castiel are no longer sparring partners, but yardmates. It's not so bad. There's ample food, clean water, and lots of lady chickens. Yet, for some reason, neither Dean nor Castiel feel very inclined to roost with the girls – or murder each other, for that matter.

It’s not explicit but trust me, this is an epic one, and will kill you with all the Destiel feels. :)

~~~

And in the Dark, I see Your Light by Chiyume

A Hunter's life is not a safe life, and ever since Castiel became human, healing for the brothers doesn't come as easy anymore. So when Dean is brought back to the bunker after a hunt gone wrong, his life seemingly hanging in the balance, Castiel is not taking it very well...

~~~

To Know by imogenbynight

Dean tells Castiel not to open the box on top of his dresser while they're away. He doesn't, exactly. But he still sees what's inside.

~~~

No One Like You by its_not_natural_take2 (AU)

Imagine Castiel's 14 year old neighbor Dean constantly coming over to his house and asking Cas to make him pie because "you make the best pie ever, Mr. Novak" and Cas always does because Dean's so cute with his freckles and cracking voice.

Then the Winchester's move and Dean confesses his giant crush on Cas before he goes and Cas thinks its adorable because Dean's so young and Dean asks for a kiss but Cas only gives him one on the forehead.

But then years later Cas gets a knock on his door and 20 year old Dean pushes him against the wall and says "I'm ready for my grown up kiss now, Mr. Novak" and then he fucks Cas until they're both shaking and screaming.

~~~

Trouble In Paradise by imogenbynight

With Cas living permanently in the bunker, Dean's finding himself more than a little pent up in the pants department, and decides to put the hookup app on his phone to good use after an easy hunt. Little does he know, Cas has decided to do the same thing.

~~~

Magic Fingers by Chiyume

Dean wants to enjoy himself in the motel room while Sam is out, but finds himself in dire need of assistance. He calls Castiel down to ask the angel for help, and it turns out that Castiel is more than willing to be of service, only not in the way Dean had planned...

~~~

Through the Looking Glass by JhanaMay

It was supposed to be a routine case, just a simple salt and burn, so against his better judgement Dean agreed to let Cas handle it on his own. Two days later, Cas isn’t responding to calls or texts, so Dean and Sam drop everything to go find out what kind of trouble the angel has gotten himself into this time. Spoilers through episode 11x05.

~~~

One More Fare to Make Your Night by Unforth (AU)

As he's gotten older, actor Castiel Novak has cared less about big-money roles and more about work that interests him. His latest project, playing a small-town sheriff in the popular TV show "Angel Falls," brings him to Miami for filming, where he finds a surprising friend in the cabbie who picks him up at the airport. If only he could get Dean to think of him as anything other than a fare...

~~~

Could It Be Anybody by peridium

Cas clears his throat, a polite little ahem.

“I was, uh, wondering,” Dean says, “if maybe you wanted a blow job.”

~~~

Like Being Stoned by CassondraWinchester (AU)

Mr. Popular Senior, quarterback, and jock Dean Winchester just got into a huge fight with his father and stormed out of the house. He found his way to the park wanting to be alone. He sat down on a bench overlooking the lake loosing himself in though, so much so he didn't hear approaching footsteps. Soon Dean is joined by Castiel Novak Senior, stoner, and loner. The boy that has had a staring role in all of Dean's fantasies since his freshman year, not that he would admit that to anyone. So what will happens when Cas talks Dean into spending time with him? When Cas talks Dean into smoking pot with him? Will Dean's feelings come out with a little help from Mary Jane.

~~~

Get Some by sysrae (AU)

Very slowly, Dean turns. 'How'd you know I was here about a room?' 'Power of deduction,' says Castiel, leaning against the doorway. 'I mean, you're not after pot, and I'm pretty sure we haven't slept together.' He grins wolfishly, gaze sliding over Dean's body. 'You, I'd remember.' Dean's been hit on by guys before, but never so blatantly, let alone by a semi-naked dude in a kimono. A hot blush warms his cheeks, and he covers his shock with cockiness, tilting his head and grinning. 'Sorry to disappoint you, Cas, but I don't swing that way.' Castiel throws back his head and laughs. 'And you want to live here? What, did your friends put you up to this?' 'Actually, yeah.' Dean raises an eyebrow. 'Is that a problem for you?'

~~~

Life In Pink by youaresunlight (AU)

At just 33 years old, Dean Winchester is one of the most sought-after wedding planners in the city. He’s chased his dream ever since he was a kid and is now on the brink of making partner at his firm. But the wedding that’ll make or break his promotion? Is his best friend Dr. Castiel Novak’s. It’s going to be the event of the season - unlimited budget, no expense spared - and it’s the kind of task that Dean has been waiting for… except he’s hopelessly in love with Cas.

~~~

Mile-High Club by betts (AU)

"Dean should have never accepted this promotion."

***

Dean Winchester is afraid of flying, but when he has to go on a business trip, his friend Charlie tells him about milehighclub.com, an online service that might help him relax on his journey by pairing him up with an anonymous flyer for an in-flight rendezvous.

~~~

Shadows Across the Camera Lens by almaasi (AU)

Castiel is a professional photographer for a leading clothing magazine. He doesn't talk much; his words are limited to the instructions he gives to the models he photographs. Despite spending all his time confidently telling models what to do and how to pose, being sexually dominant is nothing more than fantasy for him. Dean is a shy but particularly bratty underwear model with a penchant for women's lingerie, and has no intention of bottoming for anyone. Castiel finds a chance to push his own boundaries when he's left alone with Dean for the first time. Cas is prepared to bottom without complaint, but that's not to say he will be relinquishing any of his precious power to Dean at all.

~~~

The Russian Bride by xHaruka17x (AU)

“The ‘bride’, if I pick one will sign a prenup Sam, don’t worry.” Sam sighed. “Dean if this is really what you want…” “Gabriel said there’s a trial period”

~~~

Impala Sex Because Reasons by betts

"The first time Dean kissed Cas was totally out of his control. He may have been a little drunk, and the music at the bar may have been a little loud, and he may have had something he needed to tell Cas that he had to lean in for."

***

Wherein Dean and Cas fuck in the Impala for the first time. That's it. That's the whole thing.

~~~

Hot Bots in Love by ThePamelaOracle (AU)

Castiel Novak loves his quiet Sunday afternoons away from Maximillian Robotics Corp. But when Charlie calls in a panic, dealing with Dean's misbehaving sexbots becomes the new priority.

It’s so hilrious, you have to read that one. :)

~~~

Amāyō Juwes, or: A Paleolithic Love Story by hopelessheathen (ElspethMcGillicuddy) (AU)

Cas is injured and alone, limping through a storm and hoping he’s not a cave lion’s next dinner. To his relief, he finds a place to shelter in the cliffs, but when he goes inside, he realizes someone’s already living there. Someone who isn’t human at all. One of the Others.

Neanderthal Dean, Early Modern Human Cas. The period before the Last Glacial Maximum.

It’s sooo beautiful. Seriously, can’t miss this one. :)

~~~

Firsts by deadhuntress

Dean had slowly come to realize that he didn’t want to die young and bloody; he wanted to live as long as possible. He didn’t want a new woman every night, he wanted a lifelong companion. And the biggest realization: he knew who he wanted that companion to be.

Dean and Castiel progress through a series of firsts.

This one is not explicit but it was too good to pass and I didn’t regret it. :)

~~~

A Place to Rest by Phoenixfeather

"Cas ..." the name comes out a strangled croak. He clears his throat before he tries again. "Cas, how can you still say it?"

Cas tilts his head a little. "Say what?"

"That knowing us has been the best part of your life. You've suffered so much since you've met us."

***

After Dean had to watch Cas almost die again, he can’t let the angel out of his sight. He wants to keep his friend close, yet he can’t understand how anyone could prefer his company over a life in heaven.

An other non-explicit beauty, try it. :)

~~~

Noise Complaint by Ltleflrt (AU)

Dean's neighbors are loud, and the walls are thin, but that's all easy to ignore. Except for the loud sex sounds coming from the neighbor on the other side of his bedroom wall. And even that wouldn't bother him too much if his neighbor didn't sound so bored.

~~~

Warm and Wilder by Sass_Master

It’s intoxicating to have Dean pliant and moaning beneath him, pulling him closer for desperate kisses. It makes Castiel want more, to push harder, wring every ounce of pleasure he can out of Dean, leave him a spent, shaking mess. Those thoughts alarm him sometimes, always aware of the otherworldly strength he possesses, constantly fighting to keep it in check.

“Shit, Cas,” Dean says afterwards, voice shaky. “You sure like throwing your weight around, huh?” he mutters, pressing tentative fingers to his hips, his delicate neck, already mottled with purple from Castiel’s overeager mouth.

Dean will have marks because of him, has them already, blooming bright on his smooth skin. This is exactly what Castiel was worried about.

~~~

Along My Restless Palms by Sass_Master

Ever since Cas started staying in the bunker, Dean’s been having these crazy dreams—dreams that feature him and Cas in absurd, tawdry scenarios like something out of a filthy paperback. Dean chalks it up to exhaustion, or some monster messing with his head, anything to ignore the real cause: Cas in his personal space, in various states of undress, and, wow, way more muscular than Dean would’ve expected.

But if it’s just physical lust that’s the cause, then that’s an easy fix, right? No big deal. There’s definitely nothing else that his subconscious is trying to tell him. Absolutely not.

~~~

Three is the Magic Number by Persephoneshadow

“You boys need anything else?” Mandy ask when she reappears beside the table, eyes bright and hopeful. “Coffee? Tea?” Her eyes rake over Cas and she bites her lip, sending every signal in the book. “Some dessert?”

Dean grins as Mandy looks between them, mostly at Cas. Cas gives Dean the ‘is that an innuendo?’ squint and Dean nods. “You know in fact we would like some dessert. My buddy here’s kind of shy about it so we were hoping for…something to take back to our room.”

“Really?” Mandy purrs, finally looking at Dean with some interest.

“Yeah, but we were hoping for something we could split.” Mandy’s eyebrows go high just as Cas’s eyes get even narrower. “Anything like that on the menu?”

Mandy looks between the two of them, licking at her lips. “I think I can get something like that for you.”

------

Or: The one where Dean and Cas have a threesome with the cute waitress because Dean can't deal.

THIS IS PERFECTION! And so good. Thrust me, you don’t have to like to read someone fooling with the boys, but you’ll love this. :)

~~~

Long Time Coming by CrowleysMooseSquirrelsAngel

Cas finally drops the L-bomb, and it shouldn't affect Dean this much because Cas was directing it at all of them...except that he kind of wasn't, because if he was then Dean wouldn't be alone in a room with him, undressing him. Just to clean him up, of course. Totally innocent.

~~~

Yes, Dean by whichstiel

Dean stares over at Cas. The angel is perched on one of the double beds examining his blood and black-goo stained clothes. As he watches, Cas presses a careful hand against his side over the healed spear wound. He looks like he's trying to read the dictionary upside down and in the mirror. Dean clears his throat and leans back from where he's standing over Sam's research. “You okay there, man?” he asks.

“Yes, Dean.” Cas's reply is terse.

~~~

Belated by tellthenight (AU)

When Dean Winchester walks back into Castiel's life it is to ask favors from the king- including a request for a private audience with Castiel.

~~~

He Knows Where He Should Go by 60r3d0m

He should’ve seen it coming, what happens then, because it’s been a long time that Cas has been saying these things, a long time that Dean’s watched him silently suffer but not speak up, and when Cas finally does say it—when he finally verbalizes what’s been implied for so long with a clench of his jaw and those eyes—those bright, bright eyes, Dean thinks—Dean feels his whole form shake, a shudder that goes through him that leaves his body chilled, that leaves his mind frozen (it scares him more than death).

“You think I deserve to die?” Cas says and Dean feels himself shatter.

~~~

No Better Love by bluefallenfandomwallflowers

It takes him over another edge, fingers reaching for Dean’s face, the perfect lilt of his cheekbones and the swoop of his lips, blood red from Cas’ own, from what he needs and gives because there is no better love and no love will ever compare to this.

~~~

Promise Me You'll Try by Aoichou

Dean can't believe that Cas did something as stupid as killing a Reaper for him. Cas can't understand why Dean can't believe it.

~~~

It Will Come Back by RainbowWhimsyWrites

Dean is fighting against his demon nature. Cas refuses to leave.

Based on the prompt : "Demon Dean and Cas getting into a heated argument, Cas raises his hand to hit Dean, but Dean catches Castiel's wrist. Backs him up against a wall and leans down to his ear. In a low, husky voice he whispers 'Wanna try that again angel' "

Also based on the song "It Will Come Back" by Hozier.

~~~

Soul Survivor by RipUpTheEnding

All Dean wanted to do was see a damn castle, maybe gank something, and then stuff his face with pie.

Playing boyfriend to an Angel of the Lord was not part of the plan...

~~~

Dean Hates Castiel's Cock by Speary

Dean Smith's move to a little gated community on the edge of town was meant to bring him a little peace, an apple pie life. His peace is disrupted though by the noisy crowing of his sinfully attractive neighbor's numerous roosters. And everyone else is absolutely done hearing him complain about the noisiest cocks that ever lived.

Seriously, don’t question it, just read it. If you liked “A Room of One’s Own” and “The Way To A Man’s Heart Is Through Chlamydia”... You’ll love this hilarious one too. xD

~~~

For This Night and All Nights to Come by thepopeisdope (AU)

Back in the southern castle Castiel once called home, cold was used to describe a bath that had sat too long and was no longer steaming, or a room with a draft. It was cold if one had to put on a tunic with sleeves to go riding.

North of the Wall, cold takes on a whole new meaning. Here, cold means frozen rations and endless snow, frostbitten limbs and stolen breaths. Cold is steel biting at your throat in a wordless threat. Cold is when the dead rise again.

Seriously, GoT and SPN crossover??? Night’s Watch!Castiel??? Wildling!Dean? Should I say more? No. I nearly cried from this fic’s beauty, it’s perfection. <3

~~~

Coming Out of My Cage by Unforth (AU)

Doms have to act a certain way: everyone knows that. Stand tall, walk proud, be bold, take control. Dean's played along his whole life, acting as biology dictate he should, while all the while he longed for someone to put him in his place.

Finding a club that catered to anonymous hook-ups, no questions asked, was easy.

Putting on the collar, and finding a dom willing to take a chance on a "sub" who doesn't look the part? That might be a bit harder...

The author is Unforth. Should I say more? Her name is guarantee for epic and beautiful fics. Such like this. :)

~~~

Meanwhile, Castiel. by awed_frog

If you were a woman, I would have kissed you just to be your first. And I would have made damn sure I’d be your last.

Non-explicit and beautiful. It’s... It’s a short must-read, thrust me.

~~~

Split Second by CrowleysMooseSquirrelsAngel

In that crucial split second, Cas moves out of the way.

~~~

Only You by bluefallenfandomwallflowers

“For you.” Dean is about to protest, but Cas kisses between his eyebrows. “Only you.”

~~~

Monsters by Miss_Lv

Castiel prayed to God, to help them, to save them.

God never answered.

But Dean did.

It was the monster who saved Castiel, not God.

This is a dark fic. A very dark one. But there’s a reason I say you should try it and I’m 99% that you will love it too. It’s... Wow. It made me speechless in a good way. So good.

~~~

#Destiel #Dean #Dean Winchester #Cockles #fanfiction #fan fiction #fanfic #Misha Collins #rec list #Jensen Ackles

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republicstandard · 6 years

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Top Ten Movies You Couldn’t Make Today: 1990's Edition

As John Q's exploration of movies from the 1980s which deserve the Fahrenheit 451 treatment was so popular, we locked him in a dark room with a Netflix account and his weekly allowance of absinthe until he made another glorious slice of borderline-illegal viral content. The kids love lists, and we need the clicks! Thanks John, hope your time in rehab goes well. Here are 10 movies from the 90's that would never be made in our modern, progressive utopia.

10. The Lion King (1994)

As an allegory for mass Third World immigration and the consequent environmental degradation, cultural subversion, tyrannical Marxism, and ultimately population replacement, the film hits way too close to home. It also reinforces gender expectations via the patriarchal right of succession and is, in its portrayal of both the hyenas and Rafiki the mandrill, undoubtedly racist. Despite the setting in Africa, the source material is Shakespearean, and as a Dead White Male, this is strictly forbidden. What, Alice Walker isn’t good enough for you bigots?

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9. Glengarry Glen Ross (1992)

An all-(white) male ensemble cast? Oh honey, you’re dreaming! Not today, not ever again (unless it’s gay porn, to borrow the joke from Zack and Miri). As an added “bonus,” the film is decidedly anti-egalitarian in orientation, and is replete with a number of homophobic slurs. Deeply troubling stuff, here, folks.

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8. Man of the House (1995)

Easily one of the most culturally appropriative scenes of all time takes place about mid-way through the film in the Boy Scouts-equivalent meeting where the entirely white (possibly minus one ethnically-ambiguous pair) male cast is wearing all manner of headdresses and war paint imitating Amerindians. To add insult to injury, the father-son duos are in a circle and are practicing a kind of “Native American” initiation rite by way of introduction, called the “Naming Ceremony.” I want to unpack how problematic this scene is further, but “I can’t even.”

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7. Mrs. Doubtfire (1993)

The entire premise of the film is built on the decision of a man so desperate to spend time with his children that he enlists his fabulous brother to turn him into a nanny named Mrs. Doubtfire. The problem is that the humor of the film derives almost exclusively from the Robin Williams’s gender-bending and the absurdity of it all, thus, the humor must come at the expense of the Other; Williams’s character’s son completely freaks out after seeing Doubtfire/his dad urinating while standing: “He’s a she, she’s a he, she’s a he-she!” The children quickly turn against Doubtfire. Not very open-minded if you ask me. As Nico Lang wrote for The Daily Dot:

If Mrs. Doubtfire’s casual transphobia is a product of its era, so is its comedy… Mrs. Doubtfire also debuted the exact same month as The Crying Game, another AMPAS favorite that relied on the inherent titillation of transgender bodies…A culture that continues to laugh at “men in dresses” will continue to invalidate the struggles that actual transgender people go through every day, both in and out of the workplace. If our comedy is stuck in the ’90s, our treatment of LGBT people will be, too…What plays well in 1992 reads very differently today. Mrs. Doubtfire was a product of the gender politics of its era, a cultural panic about divorce and men’s declining roles in the home, as well as a deep insecurity about masculinity…Sally Field’s “Mean Mom” is the real threat. Because she wears the pants in the family, Williams’ character has to prove his worth by wearing a dress.

Commenter Gegenny on Reddit’s “r/asktransgender” forum doesn’t necessarily see the film as transphobic so much as nakedly misogynistic, declaring:

It is less transphobic so much as misogynistic. Man is willing to endure the most humiliating thing possible to see his kids, so naturally that means posing as a woman. The aspects of that humiliation are then played for laughs.

The reactions to the film are mixed; some consider it to be transphobic, others, as the quote above exemplifies, consider it “just” misogynistic, and still others say that it is transvestite-phobic. Whichever (or all of the above) the film is, it is definitely hurtful and hateful and should never have been made. As a final note, one could definitely read the “drive-by fruiting” as having homophobic undertones. A very problematic film any way you slice it.

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6. Kindergarten Cop (1990)

More transphobia here. One of the most appalling scenes in all of cinema is when young Joseph, at only 27 months old says, seemingly innocently enough, “Boys have a penis and girls have a vagina!” After being triggered by this shocking ignorance of gender as a social construct when I re-watched the film for the purposes of this article, I was literally shaking. What were they teaching kids in school back then?

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5. Aladdin (1992)

According to The Washington Post, 90% of the lines in the movie go to male characters. For Christine-Marie Liwag Dixon: Nearly a decade after slave Leia appeared in Star Wars: The Return of the Jedi, Princess Jasmine faced similar circumstances in Aladdin. The depiction was no less creepy and no less sexualized, but is made worse by the fact that Aladdin is supposed to be a kid’s movie…To see Jasmine forced into subservience by the evil Jafar is nauseating. It’s not really surprising that Jafar treats women badly, but this scene goes a little too far for comfort in a children’s film, especially after Jasmine uses her feminine wiles to distract Jafar before Aladdin saves the day. Watching the sham seduction take place is gross, but is even more disturbing when you remember how many kids watched this scene without understanding just how messed up it is.

Furthermore, the film shows Arabic society (and Islam by extension given the source material) in a bad light as intractably patriarchal—this is extremely problematic as we all know that anything less than the deification of brown folks is racism, and anything less than hosannas to the heavens for Islam is “Islamophobic,” for it is well-established that Islam is enriching, empowering, peaceful, and tolerant.

(Let us not even get into how even the lyrics to the intro song were considered too racist, and were changed. Tsch, maybe we had 9/11 coming after all -Ed.)

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4. Starship Troopers (1997)

Despite director Paul Verhoeven’s attempt to satirize the source material, Robert Heinlein’s novel is just too strong and the satire falls flat, instead making fascism look way too appealing. In fact, the entire future society was only made possible by the reclamation of Western civilization from the near-abyss of “democracy”; one may choose to remain a civilian with all attendant rights and privileges, but no vote and no ability to stand for public office and certain other professions, or one may earn the franchise through military service for the Federation at the potential cost of their lives. Furthermore, the protagonist of the novel, Juan Rico, is Filipino, whereas Verhoeven intentionally “white-washed” Rico and his friends and family for the film to highlight the overt “Nazism” of Heinlein’s creation. The problem is that, beyond betraying Heinlein’s point that race was largely irrelevant in the Federation (its military predicated exclusively on merit), the actors are all extremely good-looking, and their attractiveness only makes saving humanity from the Bugs while exercising their civic duty that much more, well, attractive.

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3. Hocus Pocus (1993)

From the hook noses to the child sacrifices, the anti-Semitic overtones in this film are extremely problematic. In the opening scene, the local white populace comes with pitchforks to execute the three witches for stealing their children and using them in their rituals, which evokes uncomfortable images of an Eastern European pogrom. For context, Ron Unz explains:

It appears that a considerable number of Ashkenazi Jews traditionally regarded Christian blood as having powerful magical properties and considered it a very valuable component of certain important ritual observances at particular religious holidays. Obviously, obtaining such blood in large amounts was fraught with considerable risk, which greatly enhanced its monetary value, and the trade in the vials of this commodity seems to have been widely practiced.

Additionally, according to Sheikh Khaled Al-Mughrabi, the Jews were killed by the Nazis because they were kidnapping Christian children to use their blood to make matzah.

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2. Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994)

The 90s were probably our most transphobic decade. Elena Nicolaou writes:

Trans women in ‘90s comedies like Ace Ventura were often law-breakers who deliberately hid their trans identities, as Meredith Talusan points out in a Buzzfeed article. Consequently, “the exposure of these women becomes synonymous with ‘catching’ them; there’s no meaningful difference made between finding out a woman is trans and discovering that she’s a criminal.”

When Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey) finds out that he’s kissed a man dressed as a woman, who also happens to be the villain, he has what Nicolaou describes as “an outrageously transphobic reaction.” He vomits in the shower and sets his clothes on fire. R. Kurt Osenlund recaps:

At the time of this movie’s release, Ace’s revelation was played entirely for laughs, but seen today, it’s basically horrifying. “Finkle is Einhorn!” Ace declares to himself. “Einhorn is a man!” With that, Ace, remembering that Einhorn pinned him on her desk and gave him sloppy kisses, goes into a violent burst of queer panic, purging in the toilet, loading his mouth with toothpaste, taking a plunger to his face, purging some more, burning his clothes, and finally crying naked in the shower, all to the tune of Boy George’s “The Crying Game.” Spying the pre-op trans woman the next day, Ace, still loading his mouth with chewing gum as a disinfectant, notes that “the gun” that was “digging into [his] hip” during the pair’s make-out session was in fact a penis, and he shudders madly at the thought.

The next day, as Nicolaou recaps, “He stages a big sex ‘reveal’ in which he pulls down the character’s pants.” In a thoroughly humiliating transphobic vaudeville show, returning to Osenlund:

Einhorn stands there on display, until, thanks to a tip-off from Marino, Ace grabs his culprit and spins her around, revealing the vivid bulge of a dick and balls that Einhorn had tucked back. Just then, “The Crying Game” picks back up on the soundtrack, and all the males on site begin spitting and cleaning out their mouths, as they too have all locked lips with a woman packing a cock. There is no redemption for Einhorn. She’s knocked into the water and left humiliated all over again—a pathetic loser who deserves to suffer not just for kidnapping, but for the gross crimes of mental instability, sexual deviance, and anatomical otherness.

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If one thing is certain, it is that trans people should be above any and all reproach, even if they are sociopathic criminals. Which leads me to my final film:

1. The Silence of the Lambs (1991)

As perhaps the mother of all transphobic films, the portrayal of transgendereds in The Silence of the Lambs as lethality incarnate probably set the LGBTQI+’s agenda to invert heteronormativity-as-deviant back a good decade. As author Mey wrote for Autostraddle:

Perhaps the most famous instance of a trans woman being used to scare audiences is The Silence of the Lambs. When we see serial killer Buffalo Bill in their most famous scene, it is meant to be one of the most jarring and disturbing moments of the film. We see someone who is presented to us as a man tucking their penis between their legs, wearing a wig made from a woman’s scalp, swaying and dancing to music. Growing up, I remember many times hearing that this was one of the strangest and creepiest scenes in modern film. This action of putting on makeup and a wig, tucking and trying to look as beautiful and feminine as you can is something that a lot of us trans women can relate to. It’s something that a lot of us trans women have done. And here it is being presented as the epitome of horror.

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Mey is right—the perfectly benign activity of murdering women in order to skin and scalp them and literally “wear” them is presented here as deviant and horrific.

It’s something a lot of us trans-womyn have done.

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2dudesgethitched · 7 years

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Spelling Dad from ADD.

“How do you feel about children?” he asked me on that magical Christmas Eve in 2008. We are at too large of a table for two people on a patio of ribbons, decked halls and twinkle lights. Ooooh, pretty lights sparkle so. We waited for our coffee drinks under trimmed trees, gay apparel donned. The crowd at Aroma Café was heavy with packages, burdens from the shopping that is a draw to the Tujunga Village part of Studio City. I love the idea of a hamlet in the land of hams. I need more irony in my diet. People banged about like cattle down a chute. Calling Temple Grandin.

My ADD is self-diagnosed and provides me ample amusement; sometimes others get to share in the joy that is my rambling. The stream of consciousness that I surf regularly makes me a fine Improv actor but an ineffective bureaucrat. Years later someone would shout “Squirrel” and I completely understood a cartoon dog’s pov.

Christ, he just asked me something. Focus, Hubble, focus. If my self-narration annoys feel free to substitute Neil Patrick Harris voice or Sara Jessica Parker’s. My patter might be more palatable. How do I feel about children?

Michael’s bright blue eyes, red cheeks and pale pallor defined the ‘Richie Cunningham’ description our mutual friend Rob had promised. Ha. Red, white and blue. He’s pretty cute, shivering in his p-coat. The lyrics to “American Boy” popped up. Stifle, silly ADD, stifle. Listen to the cute boy who is saying all the right things. I had arrived early to the date. I had armed myself viewing all the pictures he had posted on his MySpace. He had a butt-load of friends and loved the beach. I knew we had at least that, Tom & Rob as common denominators. He was tall, handsome and quirky. Our previous phone conversation confirmed quirky.

“Hello, Villa Cosa Nostra, Michael speaking, how may I help you?”

“Is this Michael Vinton?”

“Tis I” Tis I. Tis I? I’m calling a boutique timeshare and got transferred to a Renaissance Faire Restaurant?

“This is Tony Spatafora, Rob Hahn’s friend.” Beat. Beat.

“Oh. Hi..”

“I know you’re at work, is this an okay time to talk?”

“Let me put you on hold for a second? Thanks.” Boom. Gone.

He is so Googling me now. I think. Or he’s shuttering his work-hag so he can come back to the call a little more centered. I can’t wait to hear what comes back on the line.

“Heeeeyy, “ a much cooler cat returns. “How ya doing?”

“Fine. “ Eyeroll. Stop Spats, don’t be such an egotistical putz. “Rob Hahn said to give you a call and that we should probably get together.”

“Yeah. He said.” Ice, ice baby. Who sang that, I wondered “So, what’s up….”?

Saints preserve me.

“Listen, I know you’re at work. Why don’t you give me a call when it’s convenient and we can set something up?”

“Cool, man.” Oh, this kid is killing me. Did I mention that my angel is 14 years my junior? Yeah. Apply considerable mockery here, I deserve it.

“I’ll just get your cell, and get back to you.”

“Fine, ” I’m not finished playing with my food, “but let me ask you three things: Dog or cat?”

“Dog.” He’s confident.

“Boston or New York?”

“…New York.” He vacillated.

“And finally, like garlic or love garlic.”

“LOVE garlic.” He wins. I spit game like no other. Who sang that damn song??

“Okay. You may call me back.”

Laughter.

I thrive on acid tests and omens. I believe The Universe will give you signs when you are falling behind in it’s choreography. You are encouraged to free style only so often. Don’t waste your moment to jump in the abyss. Your pants can only get wet one of two ways when you dance. Go big or go home, I think I’d read that on some ones Friendster. I am so full of myself I should hang Charmin off my belt.

I had seen him heading to the café from a quaint store in the Village. In fact he had stopped in the window in front of my to check his hair. The afternoon was windy. Norman Rockwell snow falling lightly would have completed the picture. Oh, my. He is a cutie. Those eyes were so blue. I stalked him down the sidewalk praying there would be more preening to mock later to my besty Sue. He walked like a man, firm and grounded while sporting an angel’s face. These omens are good. I couldn’t wait to hear from ‘Tis I’ what made this guy tick.

Michael turned around in front of Aroma to find me, hot on his heels. He laughed and I gave him the big loving hug I like to share with my nearest and dearest. I wanted to warm his heart on this holiday night before we both had to race back to work. I would learn later that he really welcomed that hug as it was to be his first Christmas away from his wonderful family in Charlotte, NC. He was a little sad and in need of some familiar love. The guy has the big heart of a softie I would learn. Tick tick tick, boom goes the heart.

I thought he was shivering. He kept squirming over his shoulder then craning his neck back to me. Does he have a tic? He kept exhaling over his shoulder. I was intrigued; did I step in something while hunting my prey down the mean streets of the San Fernando Valley? He finally calls out the chair dancing he’s doing as being gassy today & also he is from a very gassy family. I got a fuzzy image of the holidays with the family. He was trying to subtly burp. I got that. Cool.

“How do I feel about children? You mean as a family or laborers in my families sweatshop in New Haven?” More Charmin, senator? Truth was I did want a family. More than anything else I have ever wanted. I wanted to focus all that I am into people who would hopefully, one day, go out and use their powers for good. I have the biological family, the chosen family, the work family, and the Partridge family. I had a lock on “Back-up singers” and caregivers that all had a special place in my heart. I was finally ready at 40 to have a family unit. Children, progeny attendants whatever you want to call them. I was ready to raise.

I hoped that in raising children, I would raise myself. I had always been a selfish impulsive prick. I could leave disaster in my wake better and brighter then most boobs my age. I’d been there, done that and brought back the t-shirt in two sizes (for my fat + fit days) Glib is an understatement to describe me, Crazed is another. Children would allow me to put all the attention I had put into myself to a positive end. My epic life experiences and families would help lift the children up; it takes a village I have been told.

I had always seen myself with a large family. That was how we grew up in CT and I wanted to create something similar. Economics and Biology being what it may, it was going to take extra work and love but above all it would take the right mate to accomplish this with. Michael told me he had seen a similar vision but did the typical blanch one does when finding out there might be five more just like me out there in the world. Silly man, he has no idea.

All of my wonderful family had paired up and reproduced. There are thirteen amazing nephews and nieces with birthdays to remember and events to celebrate. Being as far away as I am in Los Angeles can fray the nerves. The day to day growth of the kids gets away from you when updates aren’t delivered regularly. It is much easier to share around a family dinner table or a get together in state. Time flies and raising kids seemed to occupy and awful lot of it. Notes for later, I would record. I wished for a village that can act locally and think globally I guess. I have a Village People cd I haven’t played in a while.

And sometimes it takes a Village Idiot. Burpie and me made nice and I dropped a few more witty pearls of banter. We clicked on many levels. We had both thought we would have been priests, except for that annoying celibacy thing. We loved music. Our families were the most important things in our lives. Our dreams were huge. We wanted to see the world but above all wanted children. Oh, and grandchildren too.

Well this was going to be tough, being two men and no little lady. We appear to be Biologically Adjacent to speak Angeleno, in the act of conception. There were to be a few extra steps to get our family unit to the amazing holiday card ready cast that my friends had biologically created ad nauseum. We would have to decide about Adoption; Domestic or International? Foster to Adoption; how old the child will we go? Surrogacy; who’s friend to raise a turkey baster to in this above generous gift they were providing? Surrogacy when not related in love or blood; do we find these people on Craigslist, Angie’s List, Facebook? There was to be much to learn but I had a feeling that Michael was the one to make the journey with.

Real it in Spats, I chanted. Let’s not put the station wagon in front of the horse. If this really was a ‘traditional valued’ gay man I couldn’t rush the situation and would have to let this unfold. Guys like this were few and far between. Chill baby, baby, chill baby baby. Really ADD? Vanilla Ice? I’m hipper than that.

Actually, I’m not getting any younger as people would tell me and FYI get a move on when they stop telling you this. It might be the Universe giving you a reality check to start listening and fall into line. Tick Tock, Tick Tock goes the biological clock. Wait, what? I was forty but determined. Many great people I knew personally had started their families late in life. I have energy to boot and an inner monologue that wouldn’t shut up. I am going to rock this fatherhood thing into the next stage of my life and hum show tunes for lullabies.

I held his hand as we walked out of the café. It was in part a thank you for sharing so much of his sweet soul as he had his time on a crazy Christmas Eve. His eyes are illuminating. There was a sense of promise in one so gassy. I saw a fuzzy family unit off in the future, a pin prick of light, each day growing closer and larger. It came into frame and I saw the tall person in the image was wearing a p-coat and an enormous, toothy smile.

OH, SNAP! It wasn’t Vanilla Ice, it was C & C Music Factory. Mmmmm. Things that make you go Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm. I am too old for ‘oh, snap’ I remind myself. Yet I’m not too old to learn. Papa, Dad, Daddy; I like it. I wonder what I’ll be when I grow up.

Cue the music.

#gay men #adoption #gay dads #love wins

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