#finding one's inner child and reparenting them

[riversidewings]

"Living Ghosts" #10: "The Ramparts"

From my reparenting series “Living Ghosts.” In which a trans lesbian combat doll named River, reunited with and reparenting her younger self now named Emi, revisits a place and moment in their shared past, and tries to reclaim meaning and belonging and find triumph even among broken stones.

A story:

They stood on the ruined fortress's ramparts, the cyborg and the girl, as the sun went down beyond the western hills and cast the ancient stones in a brilliant blaze. It was the last place the woman imagined her younger self would want to take her, but it gripped her heart in a way she couldn't deny. It was November 16, 2002 again, here, just for the moment.

The unlikely mother and daughter by choice had wandered the ruins while they watched history play out the way the cyborg remembered it, even as they made memories of their own.

From a distance, the cyborg saw the person who wore the ill-fitting form of a boy, posing for a photo on the walls. The centuries of war and weather had turned solid fortification into steps, tenuous but with a commanding view beyond.

After all, the past could, and yet could not, be rewritten.

"Hey, Mom?" the girl asked gently, tipping back her sun hat and peeking over the rim of her sunglasses at the woman of flesh and circuitry she would become.

"Yeah, kiddo?"

"You okay? You looked a little, I dunno...worried."

"It's nothing, Emi. Just..." she gestured at the teenager in their ill-fitting hoodie and jeans, uncomfortable and painfully squinting in the bright sunset. "Memories. The things I can change, and the things I can't."

The girl turned, caught sight of the phantom she'd been, the first time around. "Oh yeah," she sighed. "That...yeah."

Ill at ease in their own body. Ill at ease in their community. Scarred and getting more scarred, and surrounded by what felt like impenetrable walls. The being who looked for all the world like a boy, wandered off with their tour group.

Then the girl looked back at the cyborg.

"I guess that's one of the perks of being here but a part of you, this time around," she smiled hopefully. "I'm not invisible anymore."

"Damn right, kiddo." The woman glanced from the tour group as it moved to the steps to ground level, and back to the stepped stones that were the rampart's edge. "Speaking of. I have a thought. You up for a picture?"

The girl nodded. "Yes please!"

She helped the girl up the stones to where she could sit comfortably. Then best she could, the woman approximated the position of the man who'd taken the photo of the phantasm from whose perspective she dimly recalled this moment as it had transpired.

The being who'd been here was little more than a shade. The girl on the ramparts who looked to the woman who now stood with phone in hand, lining up the shot just so, was alive.

Her hat, her hoodie, her cargo pants and tanker boots, spoke of comfort, of style and character, rather than of discontent and detachment.

Beyond her, where once the fortress's outer defenses had walled off this place in the days of French and English overlords, the field was a long row of fallen walls: imposed by force, broken down by tenacity and time.

It seemed a fitting backdrop for the girl whose tenacity had prevailed.

"Okay, you ready?"

The girl looked to the camera, and as the cyborg hit the shutter, she realized: of her own accord, guileless and unguarded, the girl who'd endured hell and silence and darkness in order to tear down walls and be herself, had smiled almost as bright as the Mediterranean sun.

That's my girl, the unlikely mother thought proudly.

[girlgenius1111]

ohhh god that is so relatable. i’ve always been a crier when i get angry and i’ll never forget the time i was maybe ten and fighting with my parents because i was mad at them about something and my mom told me to stop crying so we could have a mature conversation. i don’t even remember what i was mad at my parents about, but i do remember that that was the day that i internalized that i didn’t deserve to be listened to if i was visibly upset and that showing negative emotion = immature and now i’m 24 and to this day can count on one hand the number of times i’ve cried in front of someone since. (that’s not the only time she said that tbf but i’ll never forget how confused and unseen i felt that first time and every time she said it after that when we fought it just became more internalized)

i also, relatedly, wanted to have a baby so fucking bad when i was a teenager. like i was out here watching teen mom content on youtube for hours and plotting how i, a raging lesbian, could get pregnant at like 15. and i will also never forget the day that i realized that that was actually because i had such shitty parents and i couldn’t figure out how to make them be good parents so my brain decided it’s ok! i can just be a good parent myself instead! and really what i needed was not to pop out an actual human infant while i was basically still one myself, but to go to fucking therapy and reparent my inner child.

anywho, my sincerest apologies for the small trauma dump but your post was very relatable and i thought you might find this relatable too. adults forever traumatized by childhood fights their parents unite 🫡❤️

no this is so relatable.

i think about that all the time now. how my parents would tell me to stop crying so we could talk, or yell back at me because "i yelled first," or expected me to act like an adult when i was literally just a kid.

the way i hated myself for years because i just assumed they were always right? because they told me they were? and if they were always right, i was always wrong. which meant i argued for no reason, caused them stress for no reason. which made me bad.

i don't think i even really started to think that maybe i wasn't an awful person until like... last year. and my brain grew up and finally realized that i shouldn't have had to be perfect to feel loved. and i shouldn't have been held to the standards of an adult when i was a kid.

maybe it's because im getting older and i no longer feel like a kid. and i look at pictures of young me and cannot wrap my head around how thoroughly that little girl hated herself. she was so young and just completely convinced that she wasn't a good person. but it just really hits me sometimes where i'm like... oh. that wasn't how i was supposed to feel.

and i really love my parents. and i know they love me. but sometimes i wonder what i'd be like if they had done things differently. like how successful could i be if i didn't spend most of my time thinking about all the things ive ever done wrong?

[chryseis]

hi!! im still thinking about your royai week secret kid fic, it was a great take on their characters and just lovely writing :) do you have any particular headcanons about future royai? do you envision them getting together/married, or maintaining their superior/subordinate relationship essentially forever, or something in between? is the tone of your vision bittersweet, tragic, surprisingly gentle and happy? thanks in advance!

Thanks for enjoying that fic <3! It was so fun to write--and difficult too, because it's a bit outside of my idea of their future, but I like to think that they were able to find some happiness together sometime after it takes place. But how do you tell your child that you've killed other children? How do you live with the fact that your priorities will always lie with your spouse before them? I do have some ideas for writing something about them being not-so-great parents, because I do think that they would maybe not be the best at raising children, no matter how hard they tried.

My actual headcanons, however, are quite a bit different. I've read lots of amazing fic, but these are my own opinions--I don't think they should get married--or at least, not for a very long time. To me, this is about more than frat laws--they are committing treason through most of the story, why would they care about breaking one more law, or keeping one more secret? I think it's more to do with their conscience. Is their love more important than their goals for the government? Is it more important than restoring Ishval? It can't be. Riza would quite literally kill Roy and then herself if she thought he was wavering on his commitment to reparation and restoration, and while Roy couldn't wouldn't kill Riza, I do think abandoning her values would be the one thing that would make him love her a little less. I have a lot of thoughts on their resentment on both sides that I would love to fully explore at some point.

My main headcanon is that they have been in an emotional relationship since the war, and that it turns into a physical relationship some time after the Promised Day. I'm sure that there are people in their close circles who are aware of their relationship, but I'm not sure I see them getting married, and I don't really see them ever having children. But at the same time I do want want happiness and hope for them!! My feelings are as complicated as they are!

I like to explore Riza and Roy in different ways, but I suppose I prefer a dignified and sad ending for them. I think they should be involved in the restoration of Ishval--equivalent exchange, right? But would Ishval even want to accept their help? Should they be allowed to ever enter Isvhal again? I'm not sure. I like the idea of their relationship never being exposed outside of their inner circle. I like the idea of them being held accountable for their crimes in whatever way that might look like. Whatever happens, I would want them to face it together--the joy, the fear, the love, the loss. They are such complicated characters in canon, and I can't imagine anything afterwards would be straight forwarded or easy for them.

[dissociativedebunker]

stop fakeclaiming child alters just because they aren't "accurate"

below is a comment found on a popular subreddit that fakeclaims dissociative and posttraumatic experiences. in this comment, they are referring to people with dissociative identity disorder and similar disorders who have "littles" which is a common community term for alters that present as children. if you are not familiar with child alters, please refer to this professional's explanation.

you can also find more information on how alters might present as different ages here. please stay informed!

as you can see in this comment, this person is criticizing how child alters type or speak because it's not accurate when comparing them to real life children. what they don't seem to understand is that child alters are not the same as real life children (howell, 2011, pp.60-61). they are part of a mental health disorder. and while child alters are often more vulnerable & traumatized then older alters, it's actually counter-therapeutic to treat them like they're no different from real life children (shusta-hochberg, 2004).

child alters are very similar to the concept of an inner child. your inner child is a part of you that preserves the things you remember, learned, fantasized about, and felt when you were a child. child alters are very similar to that, except they're more disconnected. dissociative processes involve them taking control of the body and acting independently.

child alters are often more limited than the adult alters...they "may not be able to tell the time, hold a pen and write, and they may only use and comprehend very simple language. these assets become even weaker when survivors become very afraid, angry, or ashamed" (van der Hart et al., 2006, pg.138). it is extremely common for trauma survivors to regress to a child-like state at times, even for people without child alters.

no matter how child-like someone becomes, if they are adult-bodied then they are not an actual child. the way a child alter acts or talks may be inhibited but is rarely fully "accurate."

it makes no sense to criticize an adult for...not being a child?

one of my alters is an infant. that infant alter is still able to type and communicate, although in a more limited way. they know how to unlock our phone & how to contact someone during emergencies. they don't write or talk very well, but they still know how to do it. if young alters had to act "accurately", i would be unable to communicate or understand phones or walk or stand up or even eat solid foods when that alter fronted. this alter fronting could end up killing us, so i would probably need a caregiver 24/7.

that isn't how things work, though. i'm an adult with a mental disorder, not a shapeshifter. the lack of compassion and critical thinking that some people extend to neurodivergency and trauma survivors is heartbreaking.

please stay educated on mental health! please don't fakeclaim someone just because their child alters aren't "accurate."

references

Alter ages. DID. (n.d.). Retrieved August 16, 2022, from https://did-research.org/did/alters/ages

Holland, K. (2019, August 30). Age regression: What it is, why it happens & when it may be helpful. Healthline. Retrieved August 16, 2022, from https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/age-regression

Howell, E. F. (2011). Understanding and treating dissociative identity disorder: A relational approach. Routledge/Taylor & Francis Group. https://doi.org/10.4324/9780203888261

Incest AWARE. (2021, February 24). How to reparent the child within: Healing the inner child after incest abuse. Incest AWARE. Retrieved August 16, 2022, from https://www.incestaware.org/post/how-to-reparent-the-child-within-healing-the-inner-child-after-incest-abuse

MSW, K. B. (2020, August 3). Understanding child parts in the dissociative system. Discussing Dissociation. Retrieved August 16, 2022, from https://www.discussingdissociation.com/2009/01/understanding-child-parts-in-the-dissociative-system/

Shusta-Hochberg, S. (2004). Therapeutic Hazards of Treating Child Alters as Real Children in Dissociative Identity Disorder. Journal of Trauma & Dissociation. 5. 10.1300/J229v05n01_02.

van der Hart, O., Nijenhuis, E. R. S., & Steele, K. (2006). The haunted self: Structural dissociation and the treatment of chronic traumatization.

[dearestones]

Off With That Contract! (Riddle Rosehearts and Prefect + Octavinelle Interaction) Chapter 9

Warnings: N/A.

@hisredhysteria/@herdisturbedheart Request: Anything Riddle.

Summary: Sometimes, in order to get around a rules lawyering octopus, you have to find yourself a lawyer. The closest one just happens to be one Heartslabyul Housewarden Riddle Rosehearts.

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CHAPTER NINE—WE’LL SMOKE THE BLIGHTER OUT!

“In return for voiding all contracts made within this recent school year and a ban on seeking out students for deals, I get to keep my business, my reputation, and I still have free reign to make more contracts so long as people personally come to me for them.” Each and every word that passed through Azul’s mouth must have felt like sandpaper scrubbing his throat raw. For a child of the sea, Riddle knew that it must have been painful. 

However, despite his pride at knowing that he had won, Riddle could understand. It hurt having to confront his inner demons and acknowledge that he wasn’t perfect after his Overblot. It was especially hard knowing that his mother’s way wasn’t the only way. 

Apologies tasted bitter on his tongue, and it was an uphill battle convincing himself that reparations were needed and he had to do the majority of the work. 

Azul would learn—maybe not the lesson that was intended for him, but he would learn that he couldn’t count on just his contracts. 

“Correct. We also have to address that you have not offered compensation for the Prefect’s help yesterday.”

Azul’s lips pinched before an overly saccharine smile spread across his features. "Ah, but I fear that I have already compensated the Prefect in full plus interest. After all, I have not only listened to your demands, Riddle, but also had to deal with Leona's complaints as well."

"No," Riddle shook his head. "No interest. Besides, you still need to—"

The Prefect tugged on the sleeve of his dorm uniform, the tentative touch causing Riddle to look at them in confusion. They whispered, "Just Jack. I got everything I wanted."

Riddle kept their gazes locked, making sure that he hadn't misheard or misinterpreted their words before facing Azul once more. The Octavinelle Housewarden was studying them with that unfathomable gaze of his, as if he was trying to decipher how their relationship came to be and if he could possibly jeopardize or capitalize off it. Not that it mattered, Riddle hoped that the Prefect would be smart and refrain from ever interacting with cecaelia unless it was required.

"Add that to the contract."

Under his focused gaze, the dark lettering upon the golden parchment began to lengthen and stretch, a flurry of letters spreading across the pages as if an invisible hand were writing them. Riddle had always been praised for the quick, but ruthless efficiency of his Unique Magic. A simple evocation and he could render any magic user practically helpless. However, with Azul's power, his required more concentration and precise detailing. Just like its master, the power was intricately detailed and required a lot of forethought and bargaining before one could arrive at the conclusion that they could engage with the Unique Magic.

A snap of Azul's fingers. "Are we now satisfied?"

Riddle nodded an affirmative while the Prefect eked out a high pitched "Yes!" to which Floyd snickered.

Leona had long since hung up, citing that he trusted them to get the bare bones of what he wanted too. Surprisingly, Azul had aided Riddle in saying that he should be present as well, or at the very least leave behind concrete instructions through text or something, but Leona had simply laughed before hanging up. Presumably, the lion beastman had also turned off his phone and decided to sleep (oh my, was it almost one in the morning, already? this was not going to end well for Riddle or for anyone else who was included in this strange endeavor). Furthermore, Riddle had checked Magicam and several other group chats before he came to the conclusion that his theory was true.

Leona was not active in any of them.

Had Leona left the negotiations up to Riddle and the Prefect because he had trusted them? Or was it because he truly did not care after making sure that he had gotten all that he wanted from the so-called Cephalopunk?

Ah, the intricacies of such a lazy, hands off Housewarden never failed to impress.

"Now that all matters have been settled, I believe that our business has finally reached its conclusion." A pen that looked like it was made out of a fish's skeleton materialized in the air in front of the Prefect. "So, do we have a deal?"

There was a slight hesitation where the Prefect's eyes flickered from the pen to Riddle, but in the end, they made the ultimate decision to sign the document. Their strokes were shaky, almost scratch-like. Their handwriting was more than likely a product of the tense atmosphere, of how much was resting on this one decision.

And then, as the Prefect fumbled handing the pen back to its master, it was finished.

Floyd took that opportunity to slump over the couch, his tall, lithe form spilling over Azul until his head landed in Azul's lap. If his uniform had been rumpled back when his shift had first started, it was now completely ruined. Several buttons were left unbuttoned, his bowtie was nowhere to be found, and his hat had fallen into Jade's waiting hand.

Miraculously, Jade had remained upright for the majority of negotiations, even if it had taken at least another forty five minutes for them to finish. There was not a trace of weariness upon his features, but Riddle suspected the obviously fake smile he sent their way was tinged with a seed of malice. 

“If that will be all, everyone?”

As Jade gestured for Riddle and the Prefect to follow him out of the VIP room, the Heartslabyul Housewarden noticed that the Prefect wasn't budging from their seat. In fact, upon closer inspection, it appeared as if the first year was studiously staring at Azul, a contemplative look in their eyes. Had they forgotten to include something in the contract?

"Prefect..." Riddle warned. Patience was a virtue, yes, but that didn't mean that Azul was willing to invest even more time indulging them. If anything, they had gotten lucky because of Leona's interference and Riddle's insistence that they wear down the Octavinelle Housewarden before finally delving into the meat of the matter.

"Just a minute." The Prefect nervously smiled at Azul. "It's not another proposition or anything like that, I promise."

Azul exchanged a half irritated, half bemused smirk at his fellow Housewarden.

"If the Prefect wants to waste more of my time—ahem, propose another business opportunity—then who are we to stop them? Perhaps what they'll say will actually be beneficial... unlike what we've been doing the past few hours." That last part was hushed, but Riddle and the rest of the room heard it all the same.

Even when well dressed and well mannered, Azul could never help himself when it came to spewing out insults.

"It's not…” The Prefect chewed the inside of their mouth. “I'm not going to talk about business. I just wanted to let you know something."

Floyd abruptly rose from the dead, his head nearly hitting Azul's chin as he sat up. "You threatenin' Azul, Shrimpy?"

The Prefect giggled, the sharp edges of anxiety leaving traces behind. "You can stay behind Floyd, but I would prefer it if Riddle and Jade left."

Strange, but doable.

Riddle patted the Prefect on the forearm before heading out with the aforementioned twin. Before Riddle left the room entirely, he was met with the sight of the Prefect leaning over the coffee table, their figure stooped over as they leaned over to whisper in Azul’s ear. Unfortunately, before Riddle could make heads or tails of what his underclassman was saying, his view was obscured by the door. In no mood to be any more polite than he had to be, Riddle did not hesitate in giving Jade the stink eye. 

Despite the intensity of his sour expression, Jade paid him no mind. Instead, the slimy eel stood with his back flush against the door, his eyes closed in concentration. All the while, the customer service smile on his face never faltered. 

"I can't imagine you would be able to overhear what they're discussing."

Jade's sharp smile became sharper still, the tips of his teeth nearly grazing his bottom lip. "I cannot," he confirmed. "Azul charmed these doors to be soundproof whenever he was present. Without him, it would be as if the door had never existed."

Riddle withheld the urge to roll his eyes. Of course Jade would end up doing something so suspicious even if he stood nothing to gain by it. If anything, he was probably stationed by the door to freak out the Prefect and to annoy Azul and Riddle.

Was there ever an end to Jade’s love of chaos. 

No sooner did that thought cross his mind did the door open once more. There was the sound of shocked laughter (Floyd's) followed by the rapid pattering of the Prefect's footsteps walking past the door before shutting it behind them, cutting off Floyd's laughter when it was about to reach an ear splitting pitch.

Jade, with his hand pressed upon his chest, asked, "And what have you discussed with Azul that only Floyd was allowed to hear?"

If Riddle didn't know any better, he would have thought that Jade was jealous of his brother. Often, he was given the impression that it was Floyd who often nipped at the heels of his twin when it came to acknowledgement, even if he wanted to be seen as his own person.

"Oh..." The Prefect backed away from Jade, who still stood rather close to the door, and by extension, the first year. "You can talk to them if you like? It's not like it's a secret, I just felt that what I had to say was embarrassing."

Jade glanced at Riddle, confused delight more than apparent on his angular features.

"Oh? I appreciate the honesty, dear Prefect. I'll be sure to indulge my curiosity at a later time."

After that exchange, the three of them strode down the hallways, the sight of the dark ocean adding to the surreality of what Riddle felt. Not only had he managed to outwit Azul at his own game, but he managed to wrangle Leona to be part of the plot! Ah... but there was no way that he could have done any of this, ventured so far out of his comfort zone on a whim.

He would have to thank the Prefect later and praise them for their insight concerning the Savanaclaw Housewarden. What had the Headmage call them again? A beast tamer? He would have to research that topic at a later date… 

From time to time, if Riddle's eyes rested on a certain area for a beat longer than usual, he could see something stir or swim away too quickly for his human eyes to follow. While his past meetings with the Octavinelle Housewardens were usually scheduled after classes or early mornings during the weekends, Riddle could say for certain that he had never seen the underwater dorm look so peaceful or so foreboding in the dead of night. It was in the wee hours of the morning, yet he wondered if he could stay just a while longer, even if he was still at risk for getting into another unnecessary altercation with the Leech twins, just so that he could admire the view.

Beside him, the Prefect yawned behind one of their hands. It was a slight sound and ahead of them, Jade turned around slightly to give them a questioning look, almost as if he were confused by what he had heard.

"If you would like," Riddle murmured, knowing full well that Jade could still hear him, "you can stay in Heartslabyul. It would be a journey getting back to Ramshackle, especially in the dark."

Stumbling over their words, the Prefect said, "O-oh! I've heard that there aren't any spots available considering your... high standards."

Jade coughed, the theatrics not lost on any of them. "Well, this may not be my place to say, but Octavinelle does have empty dorm rooms available... for a fee, of course! Would you like to hear our hourly rates?"

"Not a chance," Riddle cut in before Jade tried to coerce a sales pitch down his first year's throat. "Besides, you'll find that Heartslabyul can be quite accommodating. Hospitality and reciprocity are some of the common themes that you'll find throughout the Queen's rules!"

"Ah, but wouldn't it be better if I made the decision on my own, Housewarden?" Riddle glanced just in time to see the Prefect grin a grin that was far too impish for Riddle’s liking. A smile of a troublemaker, that one. “The night is still young and—Okay! Okay! I’m kidding!”

The walk back was filled with a far more lighthearted atmosphere. Riddle didn’t know how the Prefect did it, but by the time they had finally entered the portal back to the Hall of Mirrors, his cheeks hurt from smiling too much and even Jade bid them goodbye with a stifled chuckle. 

“Prefect? Before we sleep, let’s head to the kitchens. I think we should celebrate.”

He would deal with the whole bed issue later. 

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[PART ONE] [PART TWO] [PART THREE] [PART FOUR] [PART FIVE] [PART SIX] [PART SEVEN] [PART EIGHT] [PART NINE HERE] [PART TEN]

If you want to donate a Ko-Fi, feel free https://ko-fi.com/devintrinidad.

TWISTED WONDERLAND MASTERLIST

[slmwife]

I now see how my untreated childhood issues brought extreme toxic behavior into my adult relationship... w/ my kids, wife...

Most of my adult life, I thought self help books...religion, marriage counseling , ADHD treatment would help make me a better man. I had people cheering me on but as I grew older I think I was in denial of my capacity for attachment in a relationship and so I romanticized and fantasized change... I wasn't putting in the work that really made a lasting behavioral difference! Unfortunately, no one knew the level of untreated trauma I carried into my adulthood. How could they, that's not something I felt needed to be discussed, I buried it. I was unaware of the consequences. I had no capacity to know!

I only learned about it years after loosing a 28 yr relationship!

I spent 4 years searching for answers after the separation. It wasn't until year 5 when I found childhood trauma therapy.

It took several months to develop a "foundation" for this new concept of therapy... developing a nurturing, protective, and spiritual "Resource" before actually addressing my past traumas and flashbacks.

As time progressed, I became more self aware of how I was feeling emotionally and paying attention to my bodies reactions... then checking in with parts and resources.

All my life I studied concepts, proverbs, behavioral maps to understand myself, relationships via... the Bible, christian counseling, using I statements, Love Languages, Love and Respect, Love and Logic.

Nothing seemed to stick in the moment of what I now know as trauma triggers.

When I started working on my triggers, I began to shift my behavioral awareness from emotionally reactive to logically focused-questioning the trigger and dialoguing with the part.

Naturally, a part of me is questioning... skeptical... when someone says they changed, "have they really?"... my dad modeled inconsistency psychologically during my formidable years. Also, it appears I have modeled inconsistency most of my adult life.

But, it seems for the past year I have shifted my consistency towards self care. I have learned with trauma work that my triggers are parts of me... they have gone years unseen, unloved, un nurtured, unprotected. When I started paying attention to my parts, I started to develop a healthy awareness of my surroundings (no longer aloof- removed, distant from emotions...) and I started to have agency (the ability to take action or to choose what action to take instead of being a slave... and randomly reacting to emotions) for me and my parts! If I have parts than other people must have them too! It makes sense that I and other people react certain ways to unresolved triggers!

A foundational consistent change that has happened for a year now is SELF AWARENESS!

This has consistently brought me time. Time to create "space". By doing EMDR work it appears that many triggers are getting resolved...I rarely fly off the handle in nanoseconds!

EMDR unfreezes the memory of childhood trauma. When someone with CPTSD encounters a trigger, they feel as if they are back in the traumatic event and can have physical and psychological symptoms as if they were experiencing the trauma all over again.

This triggered behavior was often unpredictable, intimidating, selfish (childish!)... rampantly trampling the feelings and sensibilities of loved ones! No capacity to be emotionally present engaging of their time and energy. Unfortunately, my family was rarely able to be authentic as they were dealing with someone so fragile! Over time they lost their voice. Just like I had lost mine in my childhood.

In 2016, I realized something was deeply wrong. I lost my family and it wasn't their fault! I had a moment of clarity... I recognized that I put them on stage to perform-feel, act a certain way! How did this happen??? Where can I figure me out? I hit a wall and needed to find the answer.

I found inner child reparenting at my lowest darkest time... in 2021 after my marriage ended in divorce. Struggling with deep depression and starting to have thoughts of suicide, I was fortunate to have heard a message on reparenting the inner child -God provided another moment of clarity!

I had years of unresolved trauma that I received by my father. My new "purpose" is to reparent my inner child(ren). It was at that point I also learned about CPTSD therapy using EMDR, DNMS, IFS, Flash and started looking for a therapist.

I started trauma therapy in January 2022.

Over the course of a year I have followed other trauma survivors on social media that have become professional therapist on the subject whom share their experiences.

I've included a few below...

...The major role in good psychology is uncovering our unconscious. Accepting we have difficult behaviors and difficult thoughts. The hard part might be due to shame and putting on a good image of ourselves to the world (persona) a mask for survival... it creates resistance to having a dark side or resistance to know about our flaws and admitting our flaws being people pleasers.

Looking down in an advanced way is looking at why we people please and at the beginning of our recovery we are usually very disconnected from all those reasons about why we took that persona.

Until we do the healing work... The inner child will continue to interpret a lot of communication with others as shame rooted trauma!!!

3:30 we might walk away from someone confronting us and think " you don't know what it's like to be me!"

My response to the confrontation subconsciously might be to try harder for perfection.

3:44 But! There is no learning in that... it's just more of the same trying to hide it and put it away. Those are more strategies of making it not true to ourselves.

28:16 so what does it all mean diving into Shadow Work ...accepting our stuff and ourselves and diving into these issues will gradually result in the following:

1. We take ourselves much less seriously. We've done enough trauma work to realize that I am just not interested or I don't need to go to those intense places anymore.

2. I'm less bothered or triggered or offended by people, places and things. It feels less personal.

3. I see the humanity in others because I have accepted the humanity more in myself. I am less self- consumed.

4. I don't have to hide negative emotions or issues so much. They are more normalized for me because I've embraced humanity.

5. I've grown into a more mature and balanced place.

6. I appreciated that growth and even feel grateful that I've not acted out from those old places anymore.

7. I'm disinterested in a really good way about faults and issues and what people do and what people don't do.

13:40- the good news...we (CPTSD/adult children) can heal.

We can find space in the moment of trigger/flashback being conscious.... we don't have to react in dysregulation. We now have agency to buy time and process. We can solve it now because we have done the work to deal with our past while we are regulated. We don't have to stuff our feelings and explode. We h have agency over our nervous system now!

23:12- snapshot of what takes place in healthy transitioning to get brain and nervous system on line.

39:40- signs we are healing our CPTSD.

1:37 what is IFS

21:41 it's not about healing yourself... thru healing self you heal your interactions with...

28:51 How parts are formed

35:46 Couples fighting

39:05 Self Awareness

41:30 Triggers

2:30 About NPD narcissistic personality disorder and CPTSD

7:00 Overlapping factors of NPD and CPTSD

14:47 Non-overlapping factors

2:56 EMDR doesn't erase the memory. It reduces the emotional charge... or the trigger attached to the memory. The memory becomes neutral and it happened in the past.

3:57 is EMDR Hypnosis?

5:16 is it traumatizing

18:20 what EMDR looks like

6:03 DNMS- Developing Needs Meeting Strategy

7:04 DNMS and attachment wounding

ADULT CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICS

1:55 Intimacy

3:00 Potential vs Reality

14:18 Trust and Vulnerability

So, to sum this up...

The purpose of me sharing is to not crowd your space or demand anything but to share my journey of the last 7yrs.

I certainly wish I had learned this earlier in 2016 so I had the ability to be present for the kids and not be a concern...burden. I was told by a few folks in 2017 to "fake it before you make it" and to "be ready for anything" your family needs. I tried but I realize now I had limited emotional capacity, maturity ...still getting triggered... dissociating, dysregulated.

I can't imagine how hard it was on you and the kids to not know why I couldn't be trusted, depended on, predictable all those years, and figure myself out! I am very sad you all had to experience it along with other stress that might ensue during the separation.

Shattered trust and betrayal isn't anything I would want our kids to experience. I hope they find friends, lovers, soul mates with the capacity to be vulnerable and hold space emotionally for them to thrive and they would reciprocate the same. 🙏😊☺️

Finally, I want to say I'll always cherish your friendship! You always believed in me... I'm so very sorry you never had that same consistent feedback from me! I always knew something in me seemed broken... unable to attach in a vulnerable way... afraid to share everything I was thinking with you because if I did you would leave me! Deeper than that ... I didn't understand my triggers and I was unpredictable with the fight , flight , freeze, fawn. As I write this I'm flashing back to how I might have been feeling... the same feelings of uncertainty in 1989 when we first met. 😔😔😔

In a way I feel very fortunate to be writing this insight. I hope maybe my story can inspire someone to find a purpose again if they have lost hope in themselves! I hope my future journey will make my kids proud and somehow help you (Susan) heal from my past mistakes. ❤️‍🩹☀️

[justanotherthrowaway1950]

(Devil's Advocate) Zuko Was Wrong to Help Katara Confront Yon Rha

A commonly held sentiment in ATLA fandom is the idea that Zuko going out of his way to use his intimate knowledge of the Fire Nation to not only help Katara find the specific person involved in killing her mom, but also not telling Katara how to feel, react, and/or cope when she finally confronts Yon Rha, was the most competent form of reparation and allyship Zuko could have possibly done in regards to Katara.

For a large part of Katara’s character is learning how to be a child again after her mother’s death and her father leaving the Southern Water Tribe to fight in the war forced her to grow up prematurely. 

And while Katara learned how to goof off and not be so serious all the time, Katara would not have been able to fully reclaim her inner child if didn’t allow her inner 8 year old who found their mom's charred remains in their home minutes after she basically sacrificed herself to protect Katara a chance for validation, not matter what form it took. 

For while the end of The Southern Raiders ends with Katara sparring Yon Rha and letting go of her hatred of Zuko, and firebenders in general, before forgiving Zuko, Katara needed to work through her war-induced trauma, even if it was in a toxic and potentially harmful manner.

However, what if Zuko was wrong to help Katara confront Yon Rha not only because it was potentially bad for her, but also because of the broader implications of the whole excursion?

For in regards to the excursion being potentially bad for Katara, even if Katara is more than willing to kill in combat (ex. Katara almost slicing Azula during their battle during The Crossroads of Destiny), it doesn’t mean that Katara isn’t someone who is unnerved by trying to harm other people in a cold-blooded fashion.

For example, while Katara was more than willing to bloodbend Hama when there was no other way to save Aang from Sokka’s sword, she still broke down after Hama pointed out that she was now a bloodbender with no way of ever unlearning the technique.

In fact, it is her breakdown after bloodbending Hama that causes Aang and Sokka to say that going to search for Kya’s killer is a bad idea. For it is not that they don’t think Katara doesn’t deserve to confront Kya’s killer, it is just that they are afraid of what happens if Katara, in the heat of the moment, decides to kill Yon Rha.

For if Katara were to kill Yon Rha, at best it would be another thing that would cause her life-long trauma, and at worst, it might be the catalyst for her becoming some unholy fusion of Jet, in terms the ends justifies the ends, and Azula, in terms of sadism and bending prowess.

(Yes, I think Katara would become a unholy fusion of Jet and Azula if she were ever to snap since Jet and Azula are her main foils, for Jet is who Katara could become if she let her hatred of the Fire Nation justify any action that takes them down in the long run while Azula is what Katara could have become if she let her family trauma drive her actions and engaged in cruelty outside of some snarky comments, as well always bend with an intent to kill.)

But Zuko doesn’t know this because he had only been with the Gaang for a couple of weeks at max and never learned about bloodbending, or the Hama incident, until he went with Katara to try and find Yon Rha.

Meanwhile, in regards to the broader implications of the excursion, if word ever got out that Fire Lord Zuko allowed Katara to directly confront her mother’s killer, who was and is currently Zuko’s subject, you think people in the other nations would think it was a nice story about healing before going on with their day?

Or do you think they would start agitating to directly confront the Fire Nationals directly responsible for killing, maiming, and/or jailing their loved ones? And if so, would Zuko be so gung ho letting those people decide what they would like to do to their oppressors like he did with Katara?

For example, in a world where Jet lived and found out the Rough Rhinos were under Iroh's command when they burned his village and his parents, would Zuko be willing to not only help Jet confront Iroh, but also be ok with whatever Jet chooses to do, even if it meant letting Jet kill Iroh or seriously maim him (ex. crush his hands)?

For the TTRPG confirms that the Rough Rhinos were under Iroh’s command when they burned Jet's village. So Jet is one of Iroh's victims, and yet the show never had Jet confront Iroh about his role in his parents deaths and village's destruction before his death. 

And when those Earth Kingdom soldiers got a hold of Iroh in S1 to make him stand trial, he kept trying to escape before doing so with Zuko's help after Zuko tracked him down.

Not to mention, despite making serious amends, Iroh never faced accountability from those victimized by him, and by virtue of his positions as Azulon's crown prince and as a general of the Fire Nation, has hurt a lot more people than Yon Rha ever did.

Or what about Terra Team wanting to confront Mai and Ty Lee?  

Or the Kyoshi Warriors in the hypothetical world where they don’t quickly befriend Mai and Ty Lee after the war’s end? 

Or the citizens of Omashu wanting to confront Ukano?

Or more generally, what about the legions of Fire Nation soldiers, governors, and prison guards/officers complicit in or actively committing war crimes?

For while I did love how Zuko gave Katara the tools to work through her trauma without pushing her in a direction, I don't know how Zuko would react if you replaced Yon Rha with Iroh, or any one of his other loved ones, and Katara with Jet, or any random Earth Kingdom peasant directly or indirectly victimized by Iroh’s decades of warmongering, or by anyone of his loved one’s actions taken during the war. 

Moreover, I don’t know how political tenable it would be if Zuko allowed victims of the war to confront their victimizers, especially if blood starts to be shed. 

For at best Zuko would face constant uprisings since his subjects would have nothing to lose, and at worst the Hundred Year War would restart again without the Fire Lord’s backing, and this time, the Fire Nationals would not leave any survivors due to fears of retaliation that were proven to be true.

And I don’t think Zuko wants to have to constantly shed blood putting down uprisings or have the Hundred Year War restart again, even if it doesn’t have the backing of the Fire Nation state.

But at the same time, if he denies victims of the war a chance to confront their victimizers, it would make him look like a hypocrite at best, and thus make rebuilding international relations post-war even harder, or at worst, cause the Earth Kingdom and Water Tribe masses to commit acts of terrorism up to restarting the Hundred Year War without state backing in a desire to get same closure and justice that Katara did.

So to conclude, while Zuko helping Katara find and confront Yon Rha seemed like a good idea, it was not, even if everything turned out ok in the end.

For allowing Katara to confront Yon Rha could have pushed her down a very dark road permanently. 

And if word ever got out if that he allowed Katara to confront Yon Rha the way she did, he would either be forced to allow other victims of the war to confront their Fire Nation victimizers or become a hypocrite due to refusing, with both avenues more likely than not leading to terrorism and destabilization of international politics.

So maybe Zuko was wrong to help Katara confront Yon Rha, and it is only due to Katara’s sheer strength of character and dumb luck that nothing bad came out of the incident.

[depressedhatakekakashi]

Hey, I hope this message finds you well! I wanted to reach out about something I’d noticed as someone with a similar experience, so I hope that you’ll do me the kindness of reading this message with the good intentions I’m trying to send it with!

It seems like some of the things that other people ship tend to be really triggering for you. As someone who used to be in a similar boat it was really hard navigating the internet like that, but what ultimately helped (besides blocking a lot of content in the beginning just so I could get a break from being constantly triggered by it), was checking in with myself and doing the healing I needed (EMDR was hugely helpful, inner child work/reparenting went a long way too and so did building mindfulness skills), this helped me switch the narrative from feeling like I needed to control others and what they were doing as a way to protect myself to being able to address my own emotions and triggers and handle and heal them directly— with doing some of that work it stopped mattering what other people were doing as much and I felt a lot lighter because I wasn’t being weighed down so much by the trauma I had been trying to outrun or avoid before. I know not everyone can afford therapy (definitely been there too) but there are a lot of free resources that exist as well that can offer support, especially in the beginning (surprisingly YouTube has been way more helpful than I ever expected?) but either way I hope that you’re able to find the way out as well, as living in that state of constantly being triggered and on edge is miserable and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone especially because the world is going to keep doing its own thing regardless of how we feel about it

I wish you the best in your journey!

So, i’m guessing this is about the confession blog since, unless ships i don’t want to interact with are brought directly to me on my blog i don’t talk about them

And like, the thought is nice but me talking about why me and others would find certain ships disgusting and not want to interact with them is actually not ‘trying to control people’

People who ship certain ships that will obviously be avoided by others (incest, student/teacher, etc) will sometimes act like anyone talking aboht why they’re uncomfertable/wrong means we’re trying to stop them

But if you actually read what i write you’ll find i’m a huge supporter of ‘go do your shit in your corner and keep it away from me and others who don’t want to see it’

Tag properly

Don’t tag harmless shit as a ship (i cannot tell you how many times i see a post on my dash greyed out cuz it’s tagged as a gross ship, but i only follow people who WON’T post that stuff so i know something innocent and probably cute is tagged stupidly)

If someone says ‘i do not like this ship and will not interact with it’ don’t argue with them? I went on block on sight with student/teacher shippers because the moment i stated i wanted nothing to do with that, i got harrassed. People sending me asks demmanding explanations from me, trying to change my mind. And god forbid i refuse to budge because then they act like i’m attacking them

No i will not ‘look in on muself’

Conversations need to happen. Fandom needs to understand that just because they think everyone should ‘ship and let ship’ doesn’t mean everyone needs to accept their ships, interact with their ships, or even be ok with their ships

The confession blog is also a neutral spot. I was one of the first who told mod to let ‘problematic confessions’ keep going because 1) it allows a conversation to happen 2) it allows it to happen with the option of anonymity so that people arn’t getting harassed on either side,

I will continue to talk on the confession blog for a few reasons.

1) conversation is important

2) it actually doesn’t upset me and you’ll notice i just go about my own thing on my blog without issue

3) it’s a safe place. I mean, i could do the anon replies but i choose not to because i don’y care. Everyone who hates me already knows me and twists my words to make me seem like the bad guy when all i have ever said is ‘stay off my blog, don’t touch my posts, i won’t talk to you you don’t talk to me’

[riversidewings]

"Living Ghosts" #8: "Blessing from Distant Gods"

From my reparenting series "Living Ghosts." In which a trans lesbian combat doll, reunited with and reparenting her younger self, takes the girl to her home shrine, and talks about belonging, liberation, and finding her place in the world. Because she was a blessing from the start, the girl receives a nickname with a powerful meaning.

A story:

The girl looked up at the tall stone torii with its dimmed scars of long-ago wartime fires. In the shadow of the cryptomeria trees and the mighty weeping-cherry with its broad branches, her eyes were wide, mouth agape in stunned silence.

Beside her, the middle-aged cyborg she would become, smiled knowingly. "You feel it, don't you?"

The girl nodded. "What...what is it?"

"What you always knew was missing, all those years in church."

"It's just....here," the girl gasped, gesturing with a sweep of the hand. "It's here. It's now. I feel it. I didn't...I didn't have to force it!"

"It's a relief, isn't it?" the combat doll replied. "Like..."

"...coming home."

"Exactly. And it changed everything, when I came here the first time, all those years ago." She gestured up the hill, up the long, steep rise of stone steps. "C'mon, kiddo. Let's start heading up."

Under the weeping-cherry, over the bridge, they started up the ancient steps worn with weather and war and time. The cyborg slowed her stride. Here, and with her younger self, a slower pace was preferable.

"The...the grade of the hill, um...it makes me think of that time in the Sea of Marmara," the girl observed, gesturing up to the hill's apex. "You remember, right?"

The combat doll chuckled. "Oh yeah. The sudden donkeys. That and the smell."

"Oh, the smell that day..."

"Don't worry, though," the combat doll reassured the girl. "There aren't going to be any sudden donkeys this time. This isn't the ass end of nowhere on an island without paved roads."

Little by little, the city's sounds grew distant. In the trees that surrounded the stone steps, there came the chirr of crickets and the sounds of birdsong.

For awhile, they walked in silence. The moment, the steps, the sacred quiet. It was enough.

"Can you...can you tell me more about this place?"

"This is a shrine to the kami of battle," the combat doll gestured. "This is my home shrine, but it was at another shrine to her that...I found what I...we...were looking for. Well, one thing we were looking for."

"...she?" asked the girl, perking up.

"It's...complicated. But yes. To me, she's a mother figure. And a reminder that my gods are my neighbors. So if my gods are my neighbors, and the kami of battle exhorts me to get back up and keep caring for my community-- keep fighting for it-- then that means I need to be more mindful of my place in the world and how interconnected I am with everyone and everything else."

They paused to wash at the purification basin, just under the apex of the hill, in sight of the upper torii and the stone cat guardians that flanked the path.

"That's...good..." the girl offered, lips pursed in contemplation. "But it sounds like you feel as small as I do sometimes."

"I guess that's true, honey," the cyborg admitted, setting the freshly rinsed wooden ladle back in place. "But you know how that feeling, especially in church, always seems like you're a fuckup to the community *and* its god?"

The girl frowned a little. "Yeah?"

"That's less the case for me. I may be small in the grand scheme of things, but I have my place in it. I...we...have our place, and our gods share this world with us, they laugh and cry and drink and shit and fight and dream just like us. It's not lonely at all. It's like coming home. And then when I'm done here, I go back out into the world, and my faith is my own damn business and I don't have to put on a show of devotion for anyone." She paused, nodded slowly. "It's...a blessing."

"Wow..."

The cyborg contemplated the once invisible girl she'd been, now so much more confident in herself, standing in the sunshine filtering through the trees. The half-unzipped hoodie she wore surmounted a now well-worn tank top and skirt, chosen rather than imposed. All in all, the girl carried herself more proudly, more freely. It had been a strange journey, but a welcome one that had benefited them both.

"Hey, kiddo?"

"Yeah?"

"I asked awhile back, but...how're you feeling about a nickname?"

"I'm okay with it, coming from you," the girl blushed. "...did you have one in mind?"

"Well, this is Kameoka Hachiman Shrine-- "Turtle Hill" Hachiman-- and there's a very old phrase from the days of turtle shell divination that goes 'Toho Kami Emi Tame.' There isn't an agreed upon translation, because it's so old, but one of the common ones goes 'May the distant gods bless us.' You're a blessing and you always were, even if the people who should've understood that first, failed you so profoundly. So how would you feel about the nickname Emi-- "blessing"?"

"...whoa...isn't that the chant from Ghost in the Shell?"

"...kid, I'm trying to have a moment with you here," the cyborg laughed. "But yes, that's the same phrase."

The girl thought about it, glancing up the remaining steps to the shrine hall. "I like it. You...you sure make me /feel/ like a blessing, Mom."

The cyborg who after everything had become another mother to her younger self across the decades, nodded in approval. Her eyes were cloudy with tears.

"C'mon. Let's pay our respects to Hachiman-sama, and I can tell you all about this place."

//end//

[theintrovertwithadhd]

Getting bunnies completed changed me.

Now, maybe you could say this about any pet, but I can only speak for bunnies at this time.

Two weeks ago my colleague showed me some incredibly cute bunnies on Kijiji and this colleague is quite the chatty one so being the introvert that I am, I tried to keep this conversation as brief as possible.

Interestingly enough though, the thought of bunnies really stuck with me after. For a while I knew I had wanted some kind of animal if not now, but for sure down the line, specifically a French Bulldog as I feel I really have the lifestyle for one (other than having to go into work 4/5 days a week, which was why I held off on this decision). Though, bunnies was a whole different animal I'd never even considered and it intrigued me.

So, after some brief research and a quick google search - there I found myself with not one but TWO bunnies! In my defence, the breeder said they were bonded together and could give me 2 for the price of one, so how could I say no to that...

An hour later there I found myself with 2 bunnies, a small bathroom covered in cardboard I'd picked up from a walk down the street, and the small bag of food the breeder gave me - this was Canada Day so all pet stores were closed so it was slim pickins for me. I didn't even have a cage lol.

Now, 13 days later, i'm amazed at how much these guys have changed me. The first few days I was a nervous wreck, I had (and still don't) no idea what I was doing, I felt like a terrible mother, on the second day I even dropped one of them while I was standing up!! (then cried immediately after of course), but it's so interesting because as I nurture these little creatures as they grow it feels like I"m nurturing my inner child as well and I find it incredible. To speak so soft and kindly to them and reassure them that they are safe and sympathize that I get this is a scary, unknown time - but that this is temporary and you just have to trust me and we just need to be patient. Just thinking about this makes me want to cry!

I truly had no idea that having a animal in your life could do this to you and I am so happy I did this. I even expressed to my mom a few of my concerns and how much getting them fixed would be ( look it up, it is NOT cheap...) Do you want to know her response? It was that I could always just give them back or one back... but thats not how I work. Im gonna own this, I'm going to take responsibility for my actions and move forward with this decision. I'm going to remind myself that it's ok that they don't warm up to me right away, but to build that trust, companionship and love takes time - and that goes with reparenting your inner child as well and thats exactly what I feel like I'm doing right now in this stage in my life.

So, stay tuned!

[musingwithshells-blog]

I'm still learning to open up and incorporate people in my life after having to be somewhat hyperindependent. Adult me gives no fucks (in most cases when I have to do things on my own because I'm used to it.) But since I started therapy and my therapist has me working on some inner child stuff... I can always pick up when that little girl in me is sad when people don't show up when they said they would... Even if they have legitimate reasons. I'm teaching myself that it's okay to feel sad/disappointed if someone doesn't show up when I was hoping they would. Previously, I'd blame myself and say 'that's what you get when you get your hopes up' but that's not a healthy approach, as I've learnt. Now, I'm able to separate the action from the person and understand the underlying trigger.

In today's case, I'm sad because I feel like I'm everyone's last resort and they'd put doing other things before their plans with me because of that. Ik that's not true, in the grand scheme of things, but it feels that way sometimes. I get my hopes up for a friend, even though I don't want to admit it and I constantly have to placate myself when plans fall through, but I see plans with others maintained. Then I guilt myself for being needy for wanting people to do things with lol. I understand that I shouldn't let my past experiences with this influence they way things are with others, but sometimes it's hard yk? And I'm not one to hold a grudge or aggressively confront people for missing our plans, but sometimes I wish... Idk... That I felt like I mattered enough for them to show up... Or at least message to say they can't make it again or there's an emergency. But anyway, as I'm learning to reparent that inner child, I find ways to self soothe and press forward. If anything, I am resilient :/ I still attend my stuff solo and I still enjoy myself. So silver lining.

I'm going to nap, and then take myself to see Megan.

[cancerjupiter]

astrology notes: moon’s origins edition (pt. 2)

moon in libra

libra moons crave the idealized experience of beauty and peace; you seek to co-operate with others, to please, and to establish one-to-one relationships which are mutually gratifying. you also find satisfaction in using your minds, particularly your power of objectivity. a parent who valued you highly and enjoyed pleasing you; who encouraged your aesthetic and intellectual development, and who was willing and able to appreciate your points of view, may have helped you to become attuned to the positive dimensions of a libra moon. 

if, however, your moon is in difficult aspect, or if its trines or sextiles suggest a parent who was only superficially available to you, you may attempt to gain from a partner what you could never experience from our parents. you may become overly dependent upon others, seeking to win their favor by being indispensable and satisfying their every desire. you 're also inclined to avoid confronting our anger and pain, suppressing emotions because you fear any threat to your relationships which might force you to acknowledge your aloneness. these patterns were probably by a parent figure who placed too much emphasis upon appearance or surface harmony, who could not tolerate discord, or who led you to believe that relationship equals subordinating oneself to another. such a mother or father may have brought many unfulfilled needs into parenting, expecting you to compensate for deficiencies he or she experienced in childhood or marriage. 

although your libra moons suggest that your emotional fulfillment requires mutually significant relationships with others, you can only build satisfying connections by first developing a secure relationship with yourselves, accepting as valid your own feelings and needs, and being willing to assert yourselves, even when it means experiencing temporary discord for the sake of more authentic contact. you need to apply your openmindedness and capacity to identify with many points of view in relation to both yourselves, and others - to listen to and affirm each of your internal needs, willingly entering disharmony and imbalance when necessary to create a more enduring harmony and balance which is so vital to you. you need to honor your libran need for beauty and peace, creating environments and relationships which truly soothe and uplift you. 

moon in scorpio

this moon shows you value your privacy; you are capable of considerable emotional intensity and passion; and you need to probe beneath the surface of experience to truly connect with something. when your feelings are denied or your needs unmet, you may easily resort to detrimental scorpio behavior patterns - obsessions with sexuality or money, expressions of revenge or destruction, or demanding and manipulative behaviors. one of the difficulties of a scorpio moon is related to the fear of losing control or surrendering. because of this fear, you may deny or conceal the softer, vulnerable facets of yourselves, preventing yourselves from experiencing the genuine connection you seek. 

you may have internalized messages from your parents which enabled you to develop resourcefulness, endurance and strength of character, and the power to plumb the depths of experience. your sexuality may have been awakened early through the intensity of friendly or family interactions (this doesn’t mean abuse; but sex was one outlet your intense feelings found to let themselves go), so you were forced to come to terms with your own life and death force. a scorpionic parent, however, may have negatively influenced your ability to receive nurturance and to nourish yourselves. perhaps such a parent was hostile and disciplinary, so you developed considerable mistrust and learned to hide your feelings. they may have been dominating, intrusive or sexually provocative, leading you to fear being possessed or overpowered. coldness or stoicism, as manifested in a 'be tough' attitude, may have prevented your internal child from receiving the tenderness and care you needed. sometimes a scorpio moon suggests the premature death of a parent, or a premature confrontation with realities of death or violence. 

you have the power to re-parent yourselves by recovering, accepting and expressing your feelings and emotional needs, not just your sexual desires. you need to contact your core, to possess yourselves rather than others, and to learn how to channel your passion constructively. one task of your scorpionic moon is that of discovering your inner power and drawing upon your own capacities to meet your needs rather than manipulating others to give you what you are unable or unwilling to give yourselves.

moon in sagittarius

if you have a sagittarian moon, you need to be free to expand your boundaries - to discover and actualize possibilities, to travel, and / or to develop your own understanding of things. you have a generous heart and seek to give from your own bounty; you also seek to rise above your difficulties through humor and friendship.

when your real needs aren’t met, or when you come into contact with feelings or desires which threaten you, you may express your sagittarian nature in a defensive or twisted manner - procrastinating or avoiding immediate issues by focusing upon the future, abstract realms or escapism (daydreaming); becoming preoccupied with ideals or goals rather than current tasks; intellectualizing or philosophizing incessantly; joking inappropriately; or moving restlessly from activity to activity or person to person on an endless quest both to escape from responsibility and to fulfill your inner emptiness.

most probably, your mother or significant parent figure provided you with a constructive philosophical framework by which to view life, and imbued you with a love of both internal and external exploration. but such a parent may have been fearful of emotional closeness and taken refuge in themselves rather than responding to your actual needs or feelings or to the difficulties or burdens you experienced. they may have indulged you rather than given you real nourishment. they may have preached rather than gently taught, issuing 'shoulds' or religious principles which may don’t keep up with your own nature and development.

those with moon in sag may need to reparent yourselves by creating your own philosophy and morality apart from your parents and by using your philosophy to help you come to terms with rather than suppress your feelings and needs. your tasks may also include learning to give to yourselves and others, developing the internal freedom capable of existing within limitations and commitments, and discovering and maintaining contact with the god you believe in (if you do), the universe within or whichever internal guiding spirit which leads and inspires you.

moon in capricorn

those of you with a capricorn moon (me!) need the security of organization and structure, and the satisfaction of maintaining commitments and achieving your aims. you take pride in your work and want recognition for your accomplishments. capricorn is the position of the moon's detriment (i know. i know.) and is therefore a particularly difficult position for experiencing emotional nourishment and developing self-nurturing behaviors. when feelings and needs emerge, you may not even allow them fully to enter your consciousness. you may be too afraid of your vulnerability or weakness, and too judgemental of your inner child. repression of the deeper facets of yourselves may lead you to wallow in depression, negativity or self-criticism, to work incessantly, or to isolate yourselves from fulfilling connections with other people. you may continually give ourselves 'be tough' messages which support your self-sufficiency but prevent the real connection with your feelings which makes close relationships possible. 

it is most likely that a parental figure helped you to learn to control your emotions, take responsibility for yourselves and make adult rather than childish decisions; and also provided the consistency and safety you needed to feel secure. however, having a capricorn moon suggests that you could never give free rein to your feelings, and that you probably did not receive much tender nurturance (i did, but it was from another parent; mixed messages can make your feelings even more blurry). your parent may have been cold and rejecting; they may have neglected you or told that your feelings and needs had little value. perhaps they were also a perfectionist you could not satisfy, and whose acceptance was conditional upon notable achievement and success. as a result, you may feel a sense of worth only for what you accomplish, but not for who you are. 

moons in capricorn, you need to create their own standards for yourselves apart from your parents' standards, and to give up compensatory striving which does not meet our genuine needs. your task involves developing an internal source of security and giving yourselves the validation and recognition you may have originally sought from others. you may only experience the fulfillment you seek when, by accepting your feelings and needs and allowing yourselves to be vulnerable, you discover strength and self-sufficiency which embraces rather than denies the sensitivity of your inner child.    

moon in aquarius

your aquarian moon shows that you need to experience and express your individuality, to be free to interact with a wide range of people, and to use your intuitive, inventive and abstract mental capacities, and to contribute meaningfully to society. the energies of aquarius do not mesh easily with the cancerian moon principle. you may have difficulty acknowledging and validating your desires and feelings, and fear closeness and intimacy. when threatened by emerging emotions or needs, you may rationalize or intellectualize, may rebel or loudly proclaim your self-sufficiency, or may become overly preoccupied with meaningless shit. sometimes, moon in aquarius may lead you to make sudden abrupt changes in our lives to overcome the internal suffocation of too much closeness or intimacy with another person and / or lifestyle. cultivating a network of friends, and dedicating yourselves to a cause in which you believe, may fulfill you, but may also be a compensation for unmet personal needs. 

it is most likely that a parent encouraged your aquarian qualities. they may have been intellectual, humanitarian and individualistic, and supported these traits in yourselves. you learned to take pride in your uniqueness and originality, and in your social and mental skills. however, such a parent may also have been emotionally detached or cold, and unable to nurture you physically or emotionally, while remaining responsive to large groups of people and social involvements which were less restrictive and emotionally demanding than ties to you. one or both of your parents may have been erratic when relating to you, so you could not develop trust in stable relationships, and learned at an early age to defend against intimacy. 

you who have aquarian moons need to experience and value your own uniqueness, while simultaneously creating for yourselves your own society of intimates, one in which your emotional needs are respected and met rather than suppressed. you need to develop and trust your intuition, and to use your minds to help you understand your feelings and discover how to meet your needs, rather than escape from them. other tasks of your moon involve cultivating the internal freedom which results from full openness to your emotional natures and learning to be your own friend rather than submerging ourselves in social interactions because of your discomfort with yourselves. you can only have yourself.

moon in pisces

having this placement means that you need space in your lives to drift and to dream, relationships based upon empathic bonds, and openness to sources of inspiration inside and outside yourselves. the water energy of the moon is easily expressed, and sometimes overly emphasized, by a pisces moon. when you experience your feelings and needs, you may even indulge them through long bouts of crying, self-pity, or elicitations of sympathy from other people. with or without awareness, you may seek to escape from yourselves through fantasy or idealization, or through such addictions as alcohol or drugs. many of you with pisces moons may vicariously experience your feelings and satisfy your needs by continually focusing upon the feelings and needs of others and devoting ourselves to their welfare. 

a parent who was a piscean influence most probably responded sensitively and compassionately to you and encouraged your inspirational temperament. however, if your Moon is afflicted, such a parent may also have had a detrimental influence upon you. they may have overindulged you, catering to your aches and pains, or too frequently played the victim, giving to you wholeheartedly but also invoking guilt or seeking complete dedication in return. they may have been hypochondriacal, or of an ethereal nature which could not easily come to terms with physical reality. a piscean parent may have been victim to their own addictions, or tangled in dreams or fantasies and not fully emotionally or physically present. 

moon in pisces may need to learn how to respond constructively to your own feelings and needs, to serve yourselves and give to yourselves rather than attempt to lose yourselves in others. often, because you suffer from a spiritual discontent, you may have difficulty accepting and adapting to the realities of an earthly existence; you need to translate your visions into action, to live those dreams which are viable, forging a link between your practical and spiritual or creative natures. you may seek to experience oneness in close relationships, but you are not likely to know wholly that oneness unless you cultivate your attunement to your own creative and / or spiritual source, and open your hearts to the fullness of both the love and the pain within you.    

[astrosweet]

Can I ask a stupid question? but I really need someone explain this to me like how can I be aries sun and moon, leo rising and yet so depressed and unconfident 😩

im so sorry youre feeling this way . honestly Aries and Leo aren't naturally confident people. but astrologers associate them with confidence ,strength, and leadership not because its a natural talent but because its our life lesson.but no one is really born confident its something we are taught and we build through out self development. what you do have is amazing passion, leadership skills, incredible strength, loyalty, optimism, persistence, and creativity. Your mother could have been the “father figure” in your life. And could have been really dominant, strict, religious or your childhood could have been like a “war zone”. This means you have to learn true independence not the independence learned from your mother /childhood . You will have to work on your inner child and reparent yourself. Finding that your childhood doesn’t define you will help you.education, philosophy, travel, spirituality can help you with discovering your authentic self.

You should identify your personal core values and have them as a 'end' goal for everything you do. Personal values quiz > https://personalvalu.es

Journaling is a great way to express yourself and give you an outlet for your emotions

Links to therapy

wellnite

Betterhelp

talkspace

Links to Amazing free online workbooks/ exercises >

Specifically for confidence

Healing your inner child 2

Shadowwork

Depression

Anxiety and Depression

<multiple pdfs

Links to Helpful books>

1

2

Links to Apps>

Hey! Check this app out: https://iamaffirmations.app

Hey, I use this great app. Daylio enables you to keep a private diary without having to type a single line.

you have a beautiful soul and youre more amazing than you can even imagine. "We are not human beings having a spiritual experience; we are spiritual beings having a human experience." - Pierre Teilhard de Chardin. trust the process, there will always be push back to new boundaries and changes we try to make. the universe is always working in your favor and never against you. have an amazing day :) I believe in you, you matter, and You're worthy of amazing things in life.

[dreadfutures]

Inquisitor as a Companion: Ixchel Lavellan

Is your OC a Companion in the Dragon Age series? What would it be like for a player to select them to join their party for quests (or romance them, perhaps? 👀)

Here is Ixchel’s (fake) DA Wiki page, if she were a companion. Meme started by @little-lightning-lavellan​​ , so tag her if you do this!

(Find this on AO3, where I will add Location Comments and dialogue options as I think of them.)

Ixchel is an elven warrior and activist. She is a potential companion in Dragon Age: Inquisition. (WIP Tarot art by me. :) )

Background

Ixchel likely originated in southern Ferelden, but the events of the Fifth Blight drove her northward. She encountered several Dalish clans who did not take her in, possibly due to the limited resources available due to the encroaching Darkspawn hordes, or perhaps because she does not appear to be fully-elven. Ixchel has smaller, rounder ears than normal for an elf, though they are longer and sharper than that of a human. The orphan stowed away on a boat to the Free Marches, where she found no refuge in Kirkwall or the major cities and took to wandering the countryside in search of food and shelter. During this time, Ixchel encountered Clan Lavellan outside of Markham, but she did not remain.

After the Archdemon’s defeat, Ixchel returned to Ferelden, as she felt drawn to the traces of elven history she had found there as a child. There, she encountered a Warden who helped her read a word that she found in a ruin: Ixchel.

Sometime between 9:34-9:37 dragon, Ixchel reappeared outside of Markham, calling herself by this new name. In 9:37 Dragon, a particularly harsh winter drove the Lavellan Clan to seek out the orphan and took her in to teach her to hunt and fend for herself better. She proved to have a keen mind for learning, and a drive to prove her value. She remained with the Clan for two years. In 9:41 Dragon, she volunteered to go to the Conclave in Haven as a spy, due to her ability to pass as human and travel largely unnoticed. She is roughly sixteen years old.

Involvement

Dragon Age: Origins

A Dalish Warden can potentially encounter Ixchel as part of the Lead Her Through the Darkness side-quest in Dragon Age Origins: Witch Hunt DLC. She appears as a precocious, nameless orphan less than ten years of age. She has written a word on her arm in ash and asks the Warden to translate it. It is unclear if the name is Elven or Tevene in origin, but the Warden translates it as Ixchel (ihsh-chEL).

Dragon Age: Inquisition

Ixchel can only be recruited after relocation to Skyhold and beginning the A Fallen Sister side quest in the Emerald Graves. After freeing the prisoners from the Veridium Mine, the Inquisitor will come across Ixchel under attack by a group of Freemen. The Inquisitor will help Ixchel defeat the Chevaliers, for which she expresses gratitude.

A Dalish Inquisitor has the option to call her “da’len” and express relief that she escaped the Conclave. Ixchel explains that she fled Haven after the explosion at the Temple of Sacred Ashes and went in search of a Dalish Clan (see: The Knights’ Tomb) to take her in. On her way, she saw the harm caused by the Civil War in Orlais. She sees how much good the Inquisition can do and offers her services to help uproot the Freemen of the Dales and fight Corypheus. Her travels and experiences have made her well-suited to consider the needs of elves, both among alienages and the Dalish, as well as humans. Ixchel cannot be recruited if Wicked Eyes, Wicked Hearts has been completed.

In Skyhold, Ixchel can be found in the center of the courtyard by the main stairway, either near the Training Ring (if Skyhold is upgraded) or near the City and Dalish elven NPCs who often argue there.

If Ixchel and Solas are in a party together, they will develop a fast mentoring relationship as Ixchel asks Solas about his dreams in various locations they have traveled. He will comfort her after she expresses anger at the treatment of elves in Halamshiral and gently encourage her to take action. She will argue with him about his scorn for the Dalish and insist on the merits of their resilience and efforts to reclaim their heritage after centuries of oppression.

After accessing the Exalted Plains from the War Table, Ixchel will approach the Inquisitor in Skyhold and ask to meet with Hawen’s Clan. The dialogue options vary depending on whether the Inquisitor has yet discovered that the Dalish have been killed at Din’an Hanin. Ixchel is worried about the Clan’s proximity to the front of the Orlesian Civil War.

When Hawen’s clan is first encountered, a Dalish scout will address Ixchel as “flat-ear.” Ixchel is deeply upset by this and explains to the Inquisitor that it is because Ixchel does not have vallaslin and that she doesn’t appear as fully elven. A Dalish Inquisitor has the option to reassure Ixchel of her place in Clan Lavellan with or without the vallaslin. If the Inquisitor wins high approval among Hawen’s Clan, Hawen offers to formally adopt Ixchel by giving her vallaslin and initiates the Inner Circle Quest, Inward Glory.

Ixchel hesitates to accept the honor. Ixchel wants to learn the history of the vallaslin and asks the Inquisitor to help her learn how the practice has evolved from enslaved elves in Tevinter, to the elves of the Dales, to the modern Dalish Clans. The Inquisitor must contact researchers in Tevinter, Orlais, and Varric’s contact with the Dalish--Merrill.

Completion of Inward Glory is followed by another Inner Circle quest, Proudly Crowned Withal. Ixchel meets with the Inquisitor and Solas to review what she learned and make her final decision. The Inquisitor can encourage Ixchel to honor her heritage and take the vallaslin, tell her that she can serve her People better as a human-passing spy without vallaslin, or tell her that she has proven that she cares for the elves and belongs to them whether she shows it on her face or not.

If she is told not to take the vallaslin, she will not, but she Greatly Disapproves. Solas will Disapprove of all options. A Dalish Inquisitor has the added option to tell her that the Inquisitor, as well as the Lavellan Keeper, considered her to be part of Clan Lavellan even without the vallaslin. If Ixchel is told to accept, or if the Inquisitor lets Ixchel choose herself, she will accept Hawen’s offer.

A Dalish Inquisitor who has completed their romance with Solas will have the option to ask Solas to tell Ixchel the truth about the vallaslin. A Dalish Inquisitor who removed her own vallaslin has the opportunity to tell Ixchel one-on-one. Ixchel will reveal that Solas in fact told her the truth before the completion of her personal quest, and Ixchel made her decision knowingly.

After completing Ixchel's Inner Circle quests, new missions will appear on the War Table. Ixchel wants the Inquisition to work with factions like the Red Jennies, Briala's spy network, and even members of Celene's court to make reparations for Empress Celene's burning of the Halamshiral alienage, to put an end to the Val Royeaux Chevaliers' tradition of hunting City elves in the alienage streets after dark, and to restore self-governance to the alienage in Denerim, whose freedoms were restricted after the events of the Fifth Blight.

Trespasser:

If the Inquisitor has high approval with Ixchel, the warrior has devoted her time to activism in Orlais’ alienages, potentially allying with Briala. Ambient dialogue in the Winter Palace indicates that she and her movement are reviled by members of the Orlesian court, and the ruler of the Empire is considering a preventative strike for fear of a violent uprising.

If the Inquisitor did not win high approval with Ixchel, she still appears at the Exalted Council to reunite with friends in the Inner Circle. She reveals that she spent the intervening time between Inquisition and Trespasser traveling the world with Morrigan (or Morrigan and Kieran) to continue research in Ancient Elvhen history, as well as sowing rebellion--which she calls mien’harel-- in alienages across Thedas. She is saddened that the Inquisitor has still heard no word from Solas.

In the Epilogue, if the Inquisitor has resolved to kill Solas, Ixchel vanishes. She leaves a note to a high-approval Inquisitor saying that she is sorry but she has gone to find a third option to thwart Solas. If the Inquisitor instead chooses to convince Solas to change his plans, Ixchel remains allied with the Inquisition as she redoubles her efforts to unite elves across Thedas against oppression, and to actively counter Fen’Harel’s recruitment.

Approval

Ixchel appreciates honesty and empathy in Inquisitors. Given her upbringing outside of both human and elven customs, she is skeptical of actions motivated by religion. She is generally supportive of increasing freedom and understanding between groups like Mages and Templars and humans and elves.

She is curious and precocious, and she approves of exploring magic and history without bias. She is unlike other companions in that, if she is met with anger or scorn, her approval does not change. Dialogue options that mock or disrespect other members of the Inquisition and their beliefs, even those she does not get along with outright like Sera, will net disapproval.

Ability Tree/Specialization

Ixchel is a two-handed warrior with access to the Champion specialization tree. She begins with a two-handed greataxe.

Combat comments

Kills an enemy

“Push them back!”

“Move and parry, strike and kill!”

“Did you see that?”

Low Health

“Come and get it!”

“I’m taking you with me!”

“Not sure how much longer I can hold…”

Low Health (Companions)

(Inquisitor) Inquisitor! You must keep fighting!

(Inquisitor) Lethallen, no!

(Solas) I’m coming, Solas!

Fallen Companions

(Inquisitor) Guard the Inquisitor!

(Cole) I can't lose Cole!

Companion comments about OC

Vivienne: She is certainly a quick study, but painfully earnest, that girl. It is too bad the Game is played out in court, not on the battlefield. 

Solas: A childhood free of human or Dalish dogma allows her to see the biases ingrained in many who are older or more experienced. (“She’s young and naive.”) Because she expresses empathy for those who might not appear to deserve it? *sigh* I too have expressed that such openness might only lead to heartbreak. What she told me belies a wisdom far beyond her years: ‘When we ascribe compassion to be virtues of the gods, it becomes impossible for mortals to embody them. But the Fade reflects the waking world, and Compassion, Empathy, and Justice can be found in both.’

Dorian: There are quite the depths in her, despite her stature.

Bull: You don’t see a lot of atheists outside of Par Vollen. Everyone needs to believe the world’s fucked up for a reason, that there’s something waiting for them that’s better than the crap they have to suffer. Then again, people who pick up a sword that big are usually trying to prove something. Maybe that’s it.

Sera: There are two kinds of elfy-elves--people like him [see: Solas], and people like her. She’s been like me before, hungry an’ angry. And she doesn’t want anyone to be hungry anymore, so she gets all angry. ‘Stead of lookin’ back, she looks forward. And both of ‘em forget to look right in front of their noses.

Cole: The lonely traveler [see: Dirthamen] seeks, and finds, and loses again. She is bright, but she cannot see. Where she walks, the flame catches.

Trivia

The names of Ixchel’s personal quests are from various Percy Bysshe Shelley poems

Ixchel can receive the vallaslin of Dirthamen

Ixchel’s face bears heavy scarring that she claims is due to an encounter with dragonlings

Ixchel’s in-game body model is the same height as a Dwarven Inquisitor and Scout Harding.

If Blackwall and Ixchel are in a party together, they will stand near each other. Instead of entering their idle animations, they will draw their weapons as though they are about to spar.

Ambient dialogue in Skyhold implies that she trails after Cassandra “like a loyal hound” and they frequently practice together.

[chibivesicle]

On the 7th division. After the latest development, where do you think Tsukishima's final loyalties will lie? Also is Koito's family already screwed either way? Considering they have willingly performed treason. And no doubt by now central knows. And Ogata, are you a central agent or not??? Where did your grandparents go? A cat's motives are mysterious indeed.

Hello there,

Thanks for the ask - well asks really.  I’ll try to give you my two cents on each question. Q1.) After the latest development, where do you think Tsukishima's final loyalties will lie? A1.) I think Tsukishima’s loyalties will end up with Koito.  The two men have grow closer since Karafuto.  He revealed his involvement in Koito’s kidnapping, part of Ogata’s background and for a while seemed stuck in his ‘fate’.  I think he started to defy that fate when he stayed behind with Koito after Sugimoto stabbed him versus following Tsurumi.  Tsurumi saw him hang back, technically against orders.  His last major attachment to Tsurumi was when he went full on terminator/tsukinator trying to stop Tanigaki and Inkarmat.  Koito is the one who told him to stand down and we know they’ve talked a great deal about what would happen when they’d meet Tsurumi again.

Both Koito and Tsukishima were involved with Kiro’s death, and Sofia knows who they are.  They are going to be linked due to the tiger curse, so I see them working together even if they get cursed.  Maybe the curse was the fact that they’d realize they can’t side with Tsurumi making their lives more difficult.  Who knows - but I can’t help but hope they have a decent resolution to things but also that they balance out their actions.

Q2.) Also is Koito's family already screwed either way? Considering they have willingly performed treason.

A2.) We lack clear information about Koito’s family and their exact role in things.  Tsurumi first used Koito’s kidnapping to get in his father’s good graces.  Yet, we know that he was close with Hanazawa.  Koito Sr. told Sugimoto that he read the letter that Hanazawa wrote before his ‘suicide’.  I see this going two ways i.) Koito Sr. thinks the letter is real and Hanazawa did kill himself ii.) Koito Sr. knows the letter was forged, but because the official story is that he committed suicide, he has to publicly state it as such. Hanazawa was clearly a part of the more conservative/cautious members of the military/government opposed to expansion.  Where Koito Sr. stands on this issue, we really lack information.  If he had the same views at Hanazawa, he may be acting on behalf of Central, just like Kikuta.  Right now, Koito Sr. doesn’t really seem to gain anything by assisting Tsurumi, unless he was explicitly told to do so by Central.  I could also see Tsurmumi blackmailing him if necessary but, we haven’t had any current evidence that suggests that. If Koito Sr. doesn’t give a damn about Central, he might be acting out of a similar sense of Tsurumi, to expand Japanese territory since he lost his older son in the first Sino-Japanese war.  Central’s resources are limited - they did not receive reparations from Russia and the Russo-Japanese War didn’t really do anything in the short term other than allow Japan to take the initiative to be the assertive East Asian power.  I really wish we knew more about Koito Sr.’s relationship with Tsurumi, I could see him also telling him that he’d hand over the gold to Central or part of it .  . . he is the master of sweet lies. There is also the idea that members of the 27th, such as Koito, could just state they were following orders, even though we know Tsurumi did have his speech at the beginning where he tells his men what their ‘real’ plans are.  I think this is a more complicated topic in a societal context where following orders is the norm and being a whistle blower would really be difficult. This is really complicated since all of the groups are acting in defiance of the Japanese government and its rule of law in the relative isolation of Hokkaido.

Q3&4.) And Ogata, are you a central agent or not??? Where did your grandparents go?

A3.) I don’t think Ogata is an agent for Central.  To be someone that deep into things would imply a sort of deeply nationalistic/patriotic loyalty to the state.  Tsukishima calls him one back in Yuubari, but it makes me wonder why he doesn’t suspect Kikuta later.  I never got the feeling that Ogata confirmed Tsukishima’s statement, he calls Ogata an agent for Central - and instead of denying it, verbally he just points out that Tsurumi is a rebel group.  That is such an odd response.  Is Ogata stating he simply observes that Tsurumi is a rebel group so therefore, his own act of rebellion is in line with the letter of the law, or that he has precedent to stand on.   Kikuta works hard to get closer to Tsurumi and into the hunt for the gold which is more practical for Central.  Ogata meanwhile teamed up with Kiro, went to Russia and has been bouncing between all the different factions.  I wonder if there was a conversation with Central where they were like: Central person - Hey Ogata we want you to be a spy in the 27th. Ogata - [shrugs] Central person - Great!  You are on board. Ogata - [shrugs]

Central updates Ogata and Kikuta later, hey you guys are on the same side.  Ogata [shrugs], Kikuta - okay cool.  Let Ogata be.

A4.) Ogata’s missing grandparents.  The fact that they disappeared mid-meal makes me suspect that someone made them disappear.  And not Ogata.  We know that Tsurumi has no issue with kidnapping.  I’ve wondered if Tsurumi kidnapped them and has them hostage.  Or worse, Tsurumi killed them and then made it look they disappeared.  We know that Tsurumi has worked hard to mold his loyal men to love him.  If Tsurumi uncovered Ogata in the quest to find dirt on Hanazawa, he finds Ogata and his grandparents.  He sees Ogata’s mother is dead, and the grandparents are the only people who are keeping him in Ibaraki.  If they suddenly disappeared, Ogata has nothing to return to.  Just like Tsukishima, who lost his fiance and therefore had no family to return to. Tsurumi needs his inner circle to be unwavering in their love of him.  If Ogata figured out that Tsurumi made his grandparents disappear, this could be his motivation to hamper his quest for the gold and is willing to bounce between factions to thwart Tsurumi at any cost. Many people think that Ogata poisoned his grandparents, but that doesn’t make sense, he doesn’t believe in unnecessary death and violence.  What is clear is that Tsurumi did something to Ogata that hurt him so deeply that he’s dedicated to blocking his end goal.

I’ve wondered if he chose to kill Hanazawa because he knew Tsurumi was going to kill him, but he wanted to talk to him alone.  He didn’t get the answer he needed from his father.  I think that Tsurumi saw Ogata killing Hanazawa was his acceptance of Tsurumi as his ‘father figure’ as he’s liberated himself from both of his parents.  But that didn’t happen since Ogata wanted to have a philosophical discussion with his father about his existence and if he is an incomplete human due to his background. Tsurumi pretty much egged him into shooting Yuusaku and it is clear that he was seen as a future problem once the war was over.  Did Ogata want him to have a clean death?  Did he want his father’s attention (which isn’t Tsurumi’s) and counter to his use by Tsurumi?  It is clear that Ogata feels guilty about Yuusaku’s death, but it isn’t because he was his half brother.  It was because he was a sort of innocent/idol who was trying to uphold these unrealistic and impossible ideals. I love Ogata’s character since he’s this individual who goes through things questioning everything about his life and how he fits into it.  Is he a moral person?  Is he good?  Does growing up a bastard child and bullied make him less of a human?  What does it mean to feel pain and guilt?  What is innocence?  Why to parents wield so much power over their children and how they can mold them into icons for their causes?  He’s searching for something in addition to the hunt for the gold.  He’s slowly learning things about himself in his crazy circumstance.

That’s all I’ve got for now.  I don’t want to ramble on.

[priorireverte]

Congratulations Ash!

Your application for Theodore Nott has been accepted. As much as my inner government official is groaning and reaching for the headache potions already, I can’t wait to see what trouble this Unspeakable gets into.

Please look to the checklist for the next steps and reach out if you have any questions!

OUT OF CHARACTER

NAME & PRONOUNS: ash & they/them

AGE: twenty six

TIMEZONE: est

ACTIVITY LEVEL: I’m a front end dev for a virtual event platform who works between 5-7 days a week but I’m usually active after 6pm and on weekends. I have slow weeks when on lighter projects and busier weeks when we have a lot of shows.

ANYTHING ELSE: N/A on triggers. I’ve been roleplaying on tumblr for i think 14 years? Too long.

CHARACTER DETAILS

NAME: Theodore Cantankerus Nott

BIRTHDATE: July 7th, 1980

DEATHDATE: N/A

GENDER, PRONOUNS, and SEXUALITY: Cismale, he/him. Theodore hasn’t given much thought to his sexuality, not even as far as labeling it. In the past, he’s found his attraction hasn’t been limited to one side of the gender spectrum. Currently, he’s entirely too busy to even sit for a moment and identify his years-long attraction to his current roommate. In the same manner, gender is never something he’s felt the need to question.

BLOOD STATUS: Pureblood

HOUSE ALUMNI: Slytherin

OCCUPATION: Unspeakable in the Death Department.

FACECLAIM: Woo Do-hwan

CHARACTER BACKGROUND

TW. Child Abuse, Neglect, Parental Death

POSTBELLUM

Theodore finds himself deeply in the middle of moving on. His own experiences with the second wizarding war left a sour taste in the wixen’s mouth and not just due to his father’s involvement. He watched various classmates suffer at the hands of the Dark Lord, familial pressure, and expectations. He noted no members of the high and mighty heroes seemed to think of the lowly slytherins. No hands were outstretched. No children saved from their situations. That was the heart of the issue. They were children then and aren’t now. How is he to trust that his generation will act any differently? Theodore has always preferred to be on the sidelines, to watch before acting, and to have his actions be as discreet and unnoticed as possible. Growing up, the lesson of fading into the background had been indoctrinated into him and that was a terrible thing to try to shake. Theodore’s never been a fighter. He’s always preferred to have knowledge on a situation before speaking.

Becoming an Unspeakable gave him a chance he never thought he would have to dedicate his life strictly to learning. With the dead coming back, Theodore hopes for his mother even though hope is something he has given up on a long time ago. Hope always leads to disappointment. Planning for the worst, however, leads to being pleasantly surprised by the results you receive. He doesn’t have many nightmares anymore. Any last trauma comes to him more in the form of a too quick touch or a raised voice sending his senses haywire. Lately, however, he swears he’s hearing his father’s voice in the midst of the Return’s camp. Seeing his face out of the corner of his eye. He knows the possibility of his father is high based on who has turned up so far. He does not wish for that day to ever come.

PERSONALITY

(+) Aware. Everyone had an opinion, a snap judgement they made based on your actions upon first interaction and rumors and gossip they had heard about you. Theodore is too aware of his own actions, his nature, and how he could be perceived due to his bloodline. He listens and watches while in the bowels of the Ministry.. He keeps an eye on the paper, aware of their sensationalized stories of the past. He stays aware when he locks himself in his and Draco’s two bedroom flat for the night, his house elf and cold ancestral home merely a thing of the past.

(+) Humble. It would be rare to hear Theodore speaking on his own accomplishments. When others bragged over NEWT results, family estates, or care packages while at school, Theodore stayed silent. In a post schooling life, he found he had nothing to brag over. His work is undiscussed, both by a willingness to keep to his own code of ethics and true inability to speak on it. Perhaps it is his conscience telling him karma was a tricky thing, the winds of fate often changed and were never certain. He is always aware that if he begins to celebrate his achievements, they could slip through his fingers before he had a chance to fully appreciate them.

(+) Skillful. When you spend most of the early years of your life hiding, there is no better place than a library and there is nowhere best to escape to than a book. At a young age, Theo’s mother Perdita exposed her son to learning. It became a joyous activity for the two of them. The dwindling vaults of the once great Nott family had no spare coin for a tutor for their only heir. Once it was just himself and his father in the house, Theo entertained himself with the curious collection of family heirlooms that littered the corridors of Nott Hall. He enjoys puzzles and figuring out just how magic is intertwined with a physical object. Nowadays, Theo spends his time pouring over books from Obscurus’ impressive collection while on his lunch break. He has enough puzzles to keep himself occupied for his lifetime.

(-) Cautious. It would be irresponsible to think the world was capable of change so quickly after the defeat of the Dark Lord. People didn’t change. Not unless they wanted to. Monetary repercussions, war reparations, were only likely to affect outward interest, not ideologies. Though perhaps that cautiousness had negatively affected Theo. He turned inward, the social progress he had made from fourteen to sixteen taking a turn when the Carrows took over the castle and his own father was broken out of Azkaban. He limited his social interactions severely, preferring to stick his nose in a book or have a quick intimate meeting over big social events and friendly gatherings and he still hasn’t grown out of that inclination. His social circle has been kept even as years passed and he enjoys a separation of the different areas of his life.

(-)Distractible. Wix alike were an issue. A pretty face, handsome smile, and a nice word easily swayed Theo’s attention. Always conscious, the tall boy doesn’t reveal or give much of himself. He does find he tolerates speaking to someone at length if they are intriguing when he would have otherwise ended a conversation. The same can be said for those with strong personalities. He finds himself getting caught up, steam rolled, instead of speaking up.

(-) Resentful. Theo often wondered how his life could have been different. What if his father had been captured after Voldemort’s first fall? What if some member of upper society took a moment to investigate the reservedness of Perdita or young Theodore? What if a professor questioned why young Theodore always stayed at the castle and never went home for the Yuletide holidays? So many things in his life could have been different if someone had looked closely, but they weren’t. The Malfoys, Narcissa specifically, were his only saving grace throughout childhood but they still didn’t overstep and remove him from his home. His resentment is something Theodore tries to tamper down when he can, choosing to look at life positively. No one demanded his quiet in his flat. The heat works with no need for an illegal heating charm here or there. He knows where everything is in his small space, even with Draco living alongside him. He doesn’t need to hide his things for fear of retribution. There are no nights worrying over going hungry.

BRIEF OVERVIEW OF FAMILY

Theodore Cantankerus Nott was born the only child and heir to Cantankerus Nott and Perdita Nott (nee Travers) on a warm summer night in early July. Theo spent little time under the careful (and stern) thumb of his father before his mother’s death. His mother was a much gentler figure, helping Theo grow sweet and strong. Perdita taught her son all the names of the flowers, their uses, and any star he asked the name of. She introduced him to music, showing him the piano and allowing him to pick up the violin. Theo was content to forget his father’s presence when he could, though he never dared voice that state of mind to Perdita. As Theo approached his eighth birthday, he began to see his childhood might not be as normal as his peers. He and his mother rarely left the grounds of Nott Hall. The once great stately home had slowly fallen to a near-ruinous state over the years. There was no shopping done by Perdita, all taken care of by their two remaining house elves. No tea time or meetings for the boards of any councils. The one time his mother seemed to be able to leave was when she was on the arm of his father at a required event. Theo wasn’t permitted to have friends over though visits to other sons of great houses were heavily encouraged the closer Hogwarts grew. He noticed the blatant way his peers’ parents showed affection. The boys his age never shied away from their father, some even spoke back with no fear of punishment.

Theo had stayed the sweet boy his mother had encouraged. Though his own father grew concerned about what was keeping the young boy soft. It didn’t help that Perdita’s health had begun to deteriorate ever since her birthday. Her walks around the garden with her son proving to be a bit too much for her. That duty had been given to the house elf, Dandy. Though she still wore the bracelet his father had gifted her every day. On the eve of his eighth birthday, his mother was trapped on the third floor of their home in her bedroom. There were no healers in and out of the grounds. Eight year old Theo took to hiding in the library, reading every book he could. He knew there must be something his parents were overlooking. They just weren’t trying hard enough. If healers could fix this, but weren’t allowed on the ground, he would. But his research proved naught and Perdita passed just before Christmas day, leaving Theo in his father’s sole care.

There were no kind words for the severe kind of man his father was. Piano lessons stopped as there was no one to teach him. Theo found himself with more alone time than he had ever had before as his father wasn’t a man you would like to find yourself around for any period of time. The exception was meals, when the youngest Nott and the eldest were forced to interact. His father often deemed these mealtimes lecture times as well, spouting off ideals Theodore never would have heard from his mother’s mouth.

HISTORY

When his first year arrived, Theodore understood the extent of what his mother had shielded him from. In the few years of them being the sole occupants of their home, his father’s once rare cases of corporal punishment had become a near daily occurrence. He had learned many times since gaining a wand that healing was an unacceptable action to take but his father had no issue with glamours. A word of what occurred at home wasn’t appropriate conversation. Familial business stayed such, without outside input or scorn.

It took Theo many years to come out of his proverbial shell. He thinks without Malfoy Manor as a place to escape to on school breaks and summer weekends, he may have not turned out the same. As his father’s attention turned away from his son and to the Dark Lord’s return, Theo felt almost free. That freedom didn’t occur until the Battle at the Department of Mysteries. The ministry had no issue arresting his father and not looking into whether young Theodore Nott would have any sort of adult supervision the summer before his sixth year. Why would they need to? Families like his never suffered.

Theodore didn’t participate in the Battle of Hogwarts, too fearful someone would take one look at him and make the sort of assumptions that ended with him being written about as another young death eater killed in the skirmish. He hoped to whatever ruled the skies and stars that his father didn’t survive, feeling guilty immediately that he had even had that sort of thought. It was safer than assuming his father was imprisoned. His father had escaped once before with no issue and there was no doubt in the youngest Nott’s mind that his old man could do it again. Fortunately, his wish came true.

Four years post Battle, Theodore has created a separate life for himself than the one originally laid out and it’s all thanks to the Department of Mysteries. The week after his father’s death, Theo returned home. He allowed himself only a week to mourn a man he knew in his heart he absolutely despised. Before the week was out, the long quiet house was filled with voices. Strangers were sitting in the abandoned sitting room. They had a proposition, a job offer, and no answers for how they had gotten through the wards of his home. Today, he has just about moved up to a fully-fledged unspeakable in the death division. The challenge of the Returned lays ahead.

His ancestral home of Nott Hall lays virtually abandoned. Only the blood wards stopped the acquisition of the property from anyone who strolled upon it. He still has some duties, as the remaining and only Nott, to attend to. Meager reparations paid to the Ministry dried up the last of the Nott vaults, leading Theo to have to acquire a small flat that he shares with Draco. It’s not fancy by any means, nothing like the tall ceiling rooms they both grew up in and without any house elves, but it’s theirs. His first purchases for himself, the sofa and his bed, are by far his favorite things in the whole flat.

OOC EXPLORATION

WHAT ARE YOU MOST LOOKING FORWARD TO?

Please you know. I hate it here.

ANYTHING ELSE?

https://www.pinterest.com/securemal/priori-reverte-theodore-theo-nott/

EXTRA FOR NON-BIO CHARACTERS

CHARACTER CONTRIBUTION

I truly love the idea of bringing in an Unspeakable to this world. It’s curious how they are the ones who made, and possibly caused, the discovery of the Returned but know so very little. Their, and Theo’s, entire worth is built on knowledge but they’re diving into the utter unknown and there are so many factors to consider about how this could end up. We don’t even know if the Returned can sustain themselves indefinitely. You’ve built a lovely playground for us, Emmy, and I’m too excited to play in it. But also I love Theodore Nott. Cursed Child did him dirty okay.

PRESENT

It was another night of waiting. The wooden small chair the Unspeakables were given wasn’t comfortable despite the many cushioning charms Theo’s co-workers had applied to it. He supposed that was the point. Most of the death division were working double or triple shifts. They had allocated reserve Unspeakables from both the time and love divisions and, still, they were understaffed. Their stock of pepper up potions should have run dry some time ago but the healers had been called in as well. No amount of pepper ups made this task any easier.

The coffee in his hand was lukewarm and Theo’s eyes were drooping. Slowly closing as his head fell forward until he caught himself. The curtain was moving. He could see it and he could have sworn he heard the now familiar sounds of confusion and anger at how the next unfortunate soul had ended up in the windowless chamber but he was wrong. The curtain always moved and Theodore always heard the whispers. It had taken quite a lot of restraint the first time he had been granted access to this room years ago but he kept his distance as the object called out to him. It was no different than the cursed books and painting and vases in his own home and Theo learned long ago that anything calling out for you was not a good sign. It only led to death. All things did in the world but especially here. Purposefully here. He wasn’t going to end up like his mother, touching something that didn’t belong to him and paying the price for it.