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memoirofasparklemuff1n · 4 months ago

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omg just read ur long sleeves fix it was sSOOOO GOOD! if u write part 2 i will be tuned in & reading ☝️☝️

i miss you, i'm sorry- r.c. x reader

part 2 of long sleeves!!!

OMGG IM SOO GLAD YOU LIKED IT <3

warnings: swearing angst (?) mention of drugs, rehab, and reader is so fucking codependent, like girl?? anyway, this is horrible y’all i cannot for the life of me write a happy ending so i tried my best 😞 can you tell i’m depressed LMAOOO? YALL SHES DEPRESSED TOO 😔 but seriously if i could make it happier hmu, i won’t get mad i promise. i’m new at this whole writing thing 🤠 not proofread cuz i wanted to post this already so tell me if there are big mistakes and my first language isn’t english so sorry if there are errors

disclaimer: the reader's depression is based on my own experiences, everybody is different and what i might go through isn't the same as what another person goes through. with that said, if you find any of these topics triggering, i understand! so, please always take care of yourself <3

ps: sorry this took so long, i've just been busy with school and my dad has been sick for a few days now so i haven't had time.

I'M ALSO HALFWAY DONE THROUGH THE FLASHBACKS FOR NO BODY, NO CRIME. i just haven't had the time fml. hopefully tomorrow 🤞. ok enough whining and into the story 🥁

want it, so i got it, did it, so it's done

making the bed started playing and the first line felt like a punch to the gut. i hated when life kicked you when you were already down.

i quickly changed to a cheery workout playlist that felt more mocking, in a sense, but decided it was better to not relate to the lyrics than listening to my despair sing back to me.

after that day in tannyhill, i'd decided to start running at night. in a silly way i thought that maybe running would burn away my pain in a healthy way. though how healthy running on barely any sleep, with nothing but depressive thoughts in my brain, was beyond me.

still, at least this way i felt like i was doing something. that i was taking action instead of moping. that doesn't make any sense. ugh, shut the fuck up. i really didn't know whose side i was on half the time.

the night sky was clear, making the stars wink at me as if they knew something i didn't. the sea breeze caressed my face, combing its fingers through my hair and drying away my tears.

running equated crying but by the time i got home i would be so exhausted that i couldn't even think. which was, of course, the ultimate goal. not think of him.

six months had passed and it didn't hurt any less. on the contrary, all i could think was how i'd abandoned him. probably when he needed me the most. two weeks after our breakup, sarah called me to tell me that rafe was terribly sick and they were taking him to the hospital. i'd debated whether i should tell her what had happened but she then said that she was aware of the situation and that i shouldn't go see him. she was only letting me know and, in a way, it felt like she was blaming me.

that was the last time i had contact with the camerons, town gossip and my mother becoming the only ties left between us. he'd gone to rehab and was apparently taking better care of himself, his family supporting him every step of the way.

fucking hypocrites. ward never cared when i told him about his son's addiction, instead saying that i should keep quiet, that everything would be okay. rose only cared about new shopping places to spend the family's money. sarah had started spending time with her new boyfriend and barely came home and wheezie was far too young.

so that left me. it had always been me, but when word got out of how bad rafe he was, they then played the card of ignorance and became the holy family.

i took a deep breath and slowed down to a jog, unaware of where the fuck i was. i looked at my surroundings for the first time and of course, i was in front of tannyhill. the gates were close but i could hear muffled voices on the other side. stepping closer to listen like the eavesdropper i was.

i looked through the bars of the gate, only to see him or well his back. he was with ward, who was lowering another suitcase to the ground. i frowned but i then heard his voice saying my name.

Ward turned his head sharply in his direction, "you are not seeing her again, alright? she's the one that got you into this mess in the first place." oh so the asshole blamed me.

he turned to face his dad and i gasped. his hair was buzzed and he looked older, healthier. he looked good but i couldn't help but feel like this was a different person entirely. i felt a slight pang in my chest because i'd been the one who had insisted on him leaving his hair longer and now he'd erased that too.

his voice interrumpted my thoughts, "dad, that is not true and you know it." why was he defending me? in a way what ward said was true. i'd left him alone that night.

his father stepped closer to him and put his hands on his son’s shoulders, “son, trust me when I tell you that it is best for you to stay away from her. don’t set yourself up for disappointment. We know where that led you.” Ward then kissed his forehead like one did to a child in a condescending manner.

Ward then picked up the suitcases left and turned to enter the house, leaving him standing there with a strange expression on his face. He lifted his gaze and somehow found mine, like they always did. I’d forgotten how we always sensed the other, no matter how much time had passed. My heartbeat sped up, causing me to quickly turn around and ran away from him as fast as I could.

“He is such a good father to those kids, especially Rafe.” Vanessa, my mother’s friend said, swooning over ward. Like god, he’s married, get a life.

Either way it seemed like every corner of this island is haunted. Ever since he’d come back as a stellar young man, all the women at the country club started obsessing over him, but more so his father. They practically held him as a saint and it only made my blood boil.

I felt my mothers gaze on me when his name was mentioned, noting the way I flinched and seemed particularly interested in the half eaten strawberries on my plate. They continued to chatter, causing me to tune them out and look at my surroundings for a distraction. Big mistake.

The doors had opened as if on cue, and there he was with a new found confidence that was unfamiliar to me. Before I could look away his eyes found mine, quieting everything around me, dèjá vu flooding my body. We looked at each other for what seemed an eternity until ward came up behind him, clapping his hand on his shoulder to turn him away from me. The colder version of his son’s eyes bore into mine in a warning. Stay away from him.

I looked back down at my plate no longer interested in my food. My eyes welled up and I knew that if i stayed a minute longer on this table I would start sobbing or worse.

“Mom? I’m not feeling well so I’m going home,” my voice quiet in her ear and she realized what I meant.

She nodded, “take the car, ok?”

“It’s ok, I can walk home.” I needed to clear my head and driving wasn’t the best idea.

“Are you sure?” The concern in her eyes made my heart wrench.

“I’m sure, mom. Thanks.” I stood up and voicing my goodbyes, leaving the club as fast as I could.

The sun was out and the sky was clear of clouds, a stark contrast of how I felt inside. I walked down the path, golf carts filled with kooks passing me by. All of them chattering about the next party or newest deal they had closed.

I kept walking and walking until I reached the boardwalk, which was thankfully empty. I sat down on the edge, swinging my feet over the water with the girl staring back at me and somehow looked as if she was drowning.

The wind carried the sound of footsteps behind me, my body tensing as his perfume arriving along with his shadow looming over me. The drowning girl hid away, leaving me alone. I almost begged her to take me with her.

“Why do you always run away?” my heart sank and then restarted when I heard his voice. For the first time in months, I heard the world clearly again. I hadn’t realized the power it had over me. Didn’t you?

Who was I kidding? He would always be my favorite person, everything about me was shaped by him. My favorite color was blue, my favorite smell was his cologne, my favorite taste were his lips, my favorite sound in the world was his voice, his body my favorite thing to touch. But most of all, his soul.

I took a deep breath before lifting my gaze to his. The knot on my throat made it hard to speak, “Who said I was running away?”

He scoffed before sitting down next to me. “I know you. Or at least I thought I did.” His tone sounded reproachful, his eyes searching my face. this time i really looked at him, gone were his red, glassy eyes, the gauntness of his cheeks but most importantly, the anger that had felt permanently etched into his features every time he looked at me.

the buzz cut now made his features more prominent, his body was stronger and not as skinny as when he’d been living off cocaine and god knew what else.

he looked more like the rafe i’d met forever ago, but there was still something that wasn’t quite there. his innocence. which wasn’t the one of a child, but more so the type of innocence that comes with ignorance. the type where you think you can get away with anything and that bad things only happen to somebody else, but never to you. no matter how bad you behave, you genuinely believed there would be no consequences.

and the boy in front of me knew how untrue that belief was.

“rafe, i—” the knot on my throat became worse, preventing me from talking further. great, now here come the waterworks!

i turned my face away so he couldn’t see my tears but it was too late.

he took hold of my face, “look at me.”

i tried to jerk away but it was no use. i had no other choice but to cry silently while he judged me.

“im going to talk and you’re going to listen, understood?” his voice now held a tone of authority i’d never heard before.

that’s kinda hot. dude, now is not the time.

i nodded because what the fuck was i supposed to do?

he turned so both of his hands held my face now. then he did something i wasn’t expecting, he leaned in and kissed my forehead for what felt like an eternity.

when he pulled away his gaze held mine, with a force stronger than any physical restraint i could possibly be held in.

the tears were flowing freely so i probably looked like a drowned cat at the moment.

“im not mad at you, ok? i hope you know that i never asked for you to not visit me. i know it was my dad that didn’t want you near me, but i swear that the only person i ever wanted by my side was you.

“i won’t deny that i was furious when you left me that night. i only got worse because i didn’t have anyone to stop me, or at least try to. i felt like you were the last person that still believed in me, who would always be beside me. and i took you for granted.” his words felt like a knife through my heart. i abandoned him.

“rafe, im sorry. i shouldn’t have left you like that. not when you needed me the most.” my words barely made sense but he somehow understood. he always did.

“no. you did the right thing. i hurt you, i told you that i hated you. when all you’d ever done for me was love me. i’m sorry, ok? if you hadn’t left then maybe i wouldn’t have gotten help.” he lowered his hands to his lap, my face burning where they had been resting.

“i know you tried to help me. that you talked to my dad about how i was and i know that he dismissed you. he only took me to the hospital because i overdosed and he didn’t want the island to know how ward cameron’s perfect son was a drug addict.” he laughed in a humorless manner, “hell, he even paid everyone at the hospital to keep quiet. that didn’t help much, frankly. gossip always finds its way.”

i wanted to say something but i could tell he wasn’t done so i waited until he felt ready.

this time his voice was hoarse, making me realize he wanted to cry too. i couldn’t take it anymore because nothing could hurt me more than seeing him in pain.

“rafe?” i murmured. he looked up with a broken expression causing me to wrap my arms around him. i felt him tense for a second before he hugged me back tightly.

my shirt got wet with our tears and we clung onto each other like a lifeline, with rafe repeating my name like a mantra. after a while, we pulled away and he held my face between his hands like before, only this time much gentler.

“i miss you, im sorry.”

“i miss you too, rafe.” i fell back into him, resting my head on his shoulder. we sat silently for a while before he spoke.

“can we at least be friends?” the question caught me by surprise.

“you’ve always been my best friend, rafe. but again i’m sorry for not being there, i should’ve done more.”

“no, you couldn’t have. it was the way things were supposed to be.”

he played with my hair like he used to, “you’ve always been my best friend too, kid.”

i punched him playfully at the name, making him chuckle. i pulled back to see his face and i wiped away the few tears that were left with my hand. he fell silent, leaning into my touch, “i love you, you know? not being close to you drove me insane. and it makes me so happy to see that you are healthy, at least physically.

“i want to help you in any way that i can and i want to be there from now on, if—“ his lips crushing onto mine cut me off before i could finish. his hands were in my hair, holding me in place as if afraid i’d run away again.

only i knew i wouldn’t. not this time. he groaned when i bit his lower lip, softly. he ran his tongue along mine before i let him in. i sighed into the kiss and pulled him impossibly closer. our lips explained more than any words that came out of them ever could. i separated from him to breathe and he only kept kissing my cheeks, jaw, neck until he reached my collarbone where he rested his head with quick, short breaths.

“i love you too,” he said. i touched his hair and ran my fingers over the short strands.

“i like your hair, by the way,” i murmured.

he laughed, pulling back. “really? i got it because i thought you would hate it.”

i rolled my eyes, “are you serious? either way, you look good with any haircut.”

“i wasn’t exactly planning on this to go like this. in my head, i was going to confront you and tell you all the ways i’d been miserable but that went away when i saw you that night by my house.”

“oh.”

he chuckled, “yeah. oh. anyway, i was telling my dad how i was going to ask why you never visited me and that’s why he said what you heard.

“i then realized it had been him and as if life liked playing tricks on me, there you were at the gate with a sad expression. yet before i could say anything you left running. i wanted to go after you but my dad called me inside and i didn’t want a fight that night. so i waited until i saw you today and when i was going to ask you to talk to me, again my dad came along. but then i saw you leave and i figured it was now or never, so i excused myself and he was so busy talking to the others at the table that he didn’t notice.”

i scoffed, “well, i’m guessing he noticed by now.”

he laughed, “yeah.”

we fell silent but i still had one more thing to ask, “how did you know i was here?” though i think i already knew the answer, after all i hadn’t exactly been surprised when he came. more like a sense of having your intuition confirmed.

“remember the night we met? i was alone and drunk, saying i was going for a night swim when i saw you sitting here alone. which should’ve alerted me that you were a weirdo but between your beauty and the alcohol, those thoughts went to shit.”

i blushed slightly, “i’m not a weirdo, jackass. i’d had a rough night.”

“i know, kid. i’m just messing with you and besides, i might’ve drowned that night if you hadn’t been here,” he smiled fondly but a bit sad as well.

“so, that makes me your knight in shining armor?” i grinned.

he scowled in mock annoyance, “how dare you mock a damsel in distress?”

i chuckled and felt a heavy weight lift off my chest. i felt lighter than i had in a while, and all because of him.

“my apologies, dear.”

he took my hand with a smile and brought it to his lips for a kiss, before placing it against his cheek.

“but to answer your question, we always find each other,” his words sinking in. that was true. we always did as if there was some invisible string tying him to me.

“you’re right. although you’re still not beating the stalker allegations,” i teased.

“ugh shut up, it was one time!” he groaned.

i burst out laughing, “you followed me for a whole day! that’s some stalker behavior type shit.”

“c’mon, kid. i wanted to give you your bracelet back and i didn’t know where you lived,” his eyes widening in a too innocent way which caused me to narrow mine.

“a bracelet that wasn’t even mine. plus you could’ve just given it to me when you first saw me,” i crossed my arms in front of my chest with a raised brow.

“oh c’mon, but where’s the fun in that?”

i pushed his shoulder, playfully only for him to laugh and hug me.

“i really just wanted to know if you were with someone else, so i wouldn’t make a fool of myself.” he whispered in my ear.

“you could’ve just asked,” i rolled my eyes even though he couldn’t see me.

“i wanted to be cool about it, ok? i had a reputation to maintain,” he joked but i knew he was a little serious. he’d been the epitome of a rich, arrogant, country club boy.

“i thought you were such an asshole.” who the fuck wears shades inside of a convenience store? you guessed it: rafe cameron.

he gasped in mock surprise, “you’re just saying that because you had the hots for me.”

“pfft, sure buddy. i think you’re projecting a little,” i laughed.

“i never said i didnt,” this time his tone was a little too serious making my heart beat faster.

“can we try this again?” he asked shyly.

i pondered for a moment before answering, “yes, but i want you to let me help you this time, ok?”

he moved his head to look me in the eye, “i promise.”

“ok, but wait. what about your father?” i’d somehow forgotten how he hated me now. or maybe always had.

“what about him? i’m an adult, i can make my own decisions. besides it’s none of his business. he’s the one that got us here in the first place.” his tone was now angry, which was rare when he spoke of his father. it was usually filled with frustration and sadness when it came to him. and i knew how important his father’s approval was to him.

“rafe, i don’t know. he’s still your father and i don’t want to come between you two,” i lowered my eyes so he wouldn’t see the tears threatening to spill.

he was silent for a moment before lifting my chin with his finger, frowning when he noticed my expression.

“you’re the love of my life. i’m not losing you again, ok? he’ll have to understand and i will talk to him. i’ll tell him how things really went down. plus, he isn’t innocent in any of this either.”

pursing my lips, i nodded. “ok” i didn’t really believe ward would be capable of changing his mind, but if it made rafe happy then i would try and compromise.

rafe searched for my eyes with a soft smile, “i love you.”

i returned the smile, “i love you too.”

he then got up to his feet, reaching his hand down to help me stand. after a few more kisses and a hug, he took me to his truck. we drove around with no particular destination in mind but with the sole purpose of being by ourselves without prying eyes and judging remarks.

i hoped deep down that i wasn’t making a mistake and that everything would be ok.

and as if on cue, “everything is going to be ok.” i turned my head in surprise at his words.

“don’t act so shocked, kid. i know you better than i know myself.” he then lifted my hand again and kissed it like he’d done on the boardwalk.

i chuckled and leaned my head back, closing my eyes. with the windows down, the ocean breeze, his hand drawing circles on the back of mine, and the soft music playing, i felt myself float away.

“sleep, angel. i love you.”

and then i woke up.

JK JK IT’S NOT A DREAM.

or is it? HEHEHEHEHE

ALSO WHY IS SHE SO CODEPENDENT??? LIKE GIRL STAND UP (says the one who wrote her 👯‍♀️)

anywayyyy, if you made it this far THANK YOU. I LOVE YOU!!!

please feel free to write comments or whatever, i love talking to you all 💞

and if you liked this check out my other stories!!

im currently writing a murder mystery kind of story and i only have two chapters for now, but i will make flashbacks with like text messages and diary entries and stuff. i’m trying to make it as if the reader is part of the investigation (I HOPE IM DOING A GOOD JOB) and i already have how i want the story to end but writing it is the hard part. like how long do i make it?? i don’t want to rush it but i really want to finish it because the characters take a mind of their own when i write. does that make sense? prob not lol

div creds!!- by @anitalenia

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calamaroo · 13 days ago

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The FOMO for the new AnB season is so bad I actually wanna cry deadass. Not to be dramatic, but consuming Octonauts content is the one thing I have near full control of in my life so I'm legitimately so freaking upset I'm gonna miss out on something I enjoy A-FUCKING-GAIN while everyone else around me can do whatever the hell they want. I cannot get a VPN, my only way to watch any of AnB is through the community archive thing and it seems that isn't gonna get updated, or just my anxious brain says so. Idk, I feel dramatic and ridiculous but I'm actually so upset. Fml

#talking #octonauts #octonauts above and beyond #vent #hrhfngghh i fucking hate not having any control over my emotions and life #delete later

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nemo-in-wonderland · 7 months ago

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I need to fucking stop doomscrolling on IG because now I have seen some reels about firefighters and I feel the urge of drawing Mathias (or rather his reincarnation) as he would look as a firefighter in my VTM!AU.

#Nemo babbles #lemme tell you something #at present my brain is hell #I have too many things that I want to do at the same time #and that's when my ADHD enters the chat with the whole Freeze Mode #where I basically freeze from all the huge amount of info and ideas that my brain gives me all at the same time #and i cannot initiate anything because I AM FROZEN #fml #I can't #it's creative hell #so lemme babble away about all the stuff that I want to do if my stupid brain were to give me A MOMENT of respite

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weirdly-specific-but-ok · 1 year ago

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REWATCHING GO S1, LIVE PLAY-BY-PLAY OF DOOMSDAY WAHOO

HELLO MAGGOTS REWATCHING SEASON 1 BECAUSE THE FIRST TIME WAS A KIDNAPPING CHAOTIC MESS. EPISODE ONE HERE GOES. I DON'T REMEMBER A LOT OF DETAILS BUT YES.

Opening scene and Earth's got vibe-checked by God and I've been gaslit about the dinosaurs

GARDEN OF EDEEEEEN wow his first appearance and Aziraphale's already so prissy and flustered might fuck around and fall in love with him idk

I finally understand who these mf's are hi Hastur and Ligur you're not zombies after all

FOR FUCK'S SAKE SECOND SCENE CROWLEY'S BEEN IN AND SHE WALKED IN, SERVED HIPS HAIR AND CUNT, AND THEN MANAGED TO TALK HER AWAY INTO A PROBLEM

LIKE GENUINELY SHE COMES AND SASHAYS WITH HER HAIR AND SAYS TIMES ARE CHANGING AND HEAD OFFICE LOVES ME AND JUST INSTANTLY HASTUR AND LIGUR USE HER WORDS AGAINST HER

idk sister mary loquacious is kinda doing it for me rn with that satanic nun's habit and losergirl energy

third crowley scene and he's misplaced THE LITERALLY GODDAMNED ANTICHRIST because he made small talk with a bloke outside without checking for details

mmmmhm yes sister mary wink again your bitchless decisions are sexy y'know what i mean

Gabriel feels like his brain was eviscerated and replaced with one of those youtuber's paid course promos at the end of their how to change your life in 45 days: three simple mindset shifts video

so THIS IS WHY EVERYONE KEEPS SAYING PAVLOVIAN IN THIS FANDOM IT'S BECAUSE OF DUCKS of course it's because of ducks

mmmhm yes sure crepes French revolu--Crowley stop eye-fucking Aziraphale you're making everyone at the Ritz horny

Aziraphale don't moan into your food man you can't take these two anywhere

Crowley thanking the driver for slowing down is everything to me

And they're drunk hu-fucking-zzah good thing we'll have 11 year olds saving the world coz these fuckers sure ain't doing shit

OH MY GOD HE WAS TRYING TO SAY BOUILLABAISSE I JUST REALISED. I THOUGHT HE WAS JUST MAKING KISSY FACES AT AZIRAPHALE I'M NOT OK-

What Aziraphale was doing back was definitely kissy faces though that mfer wasn't even trying to say bouillabaisse when Crowley said what sounded suspiciously like baby

kissy kissy from lil miss prissy [i would have made such a great high school bully shame i had no inclinations that way]

SORRY WHAT THE BLOODY FUCK WAS THAT SOBERING UP EXCUSE ME THE FANFICS MADE IT SOUND LIKE IT WAS A CLICK AND THEY'RE SUDDENLY NORMAL WHY IS THE ALCOHOL REFILLING

oop nun down nun down

i want ya see a wile ya thwart amirite on a t-shirt

"actually i encourage humans to-" just say you're a lazy bitch azi we love you

love crowley fake-manipulating azi into helping like azi wants to be manipulated y'know so it's not technically his fault he was wiled over or whatever and they're both just such ENABLERS

not azi going SOFT at being godfathers with crowley

NOT BROTHER FRANCIS PLEASE NO FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS SACRED AZI WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS PLEASE

WARLOCKKKKK I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

HNNNG MICHAEL SHEEN HAD TOO MUCH FUN WITH THIS

why is nanny ashtoreth so seductive with that of course dear is it just crowley's inherent disastergirl sex appeal

HALF PONYTAIL CROWLEY I AM A FUCKING SLUT FOR HALF PONYTAIL

GASLIGHTING HEAVEN AND HELL THAT'S MY BABYGIRLS

erIC THE DISPOSABLE DEMON I DIDN'T KNOW THEY COME IN S1 well not come i hope unless being eaten by a hellho--nope

ANGEL CROWLEY SAID ANGEL ANGEL ANGEL

CROWLEY TRYING TO BE SUBTLE ABOUT KILLING BEFORE GETTING ANNOYED

waiter crOWLEY OUTFIT I CANNOT BE NORMAL AFTER THE WEDDING DRESS DESIGNING ABOUT THIS COSTUME

FOOLS WRONG BOY YOU FOOLS IM DEAD

DOG IS UNIRONICALLY SO CUTE EVEN BEFORE IT GOES SMOL

gonna give my roxie a kissy brb she's my angel and all this dog talk makes me miss her (she's a few feet away under the bed)

i asked her for a kissy and she crawled out and gave me a kiss i love her

DOGGGGG ADAMMM

...roxie's crying to be taken downstairs it's nearly 2 am this is on me for waking her up i crowley'd myself fml

EYYYYY WELCOME TO THE END TIMES don't mind me I'll have to take roxie down yes I know maggots I'm crowley-coded I KNOW THAT I'M A BLOODY DISASTER BYEEEEEEEE

#good omens mascot #good omens #weirdly specific but ok #asmi #maggots #good omens fandom #good omens season 1 #in the beginning #WAHOO #OK GTG TAKE MY DOG DOWNSTAIRS AT 1:45 IN THE MORNING #THE CROWLEY LIFE #IT'S HARD WORK BEING THE RESIDENT DISASTER #BUT SOMEONE'S GOTTA DO IT

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dalliansss · 5 months ago

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WIP folder game

Rules: make a new post with the names of all the files in your WIP folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. Tag as many people as you have WIPs. People can send you an ask with the title that most intrigues them, then post a little snippet/preview or tell them something about it!

Tagged by @fistfuloflightning

Oh, wow, my WIPs are mostly Silmarillion and LOTR, but here goes:

Modern Popstar AU MaironFinrod - Rockstar ; Mairon is a CEO and Finrod is a European that made it big in the Korean idol industry. Contains past Angbang. (with @skaelds )

The Exhilarating Adventures of Disney Princess Turko - Oh you know, the works, Turko befriending Ungoliant. I can't even finish the first part, how am I going to write the rest of (oath free!) Turko's adventures in Beleriand lmao

Blood in the Mouth - Second Age arc and Numenor shenanigans. A.K.A Mairon's greatest hearbreak re: Celebrimbor (with skaelds also)

Blond Energy - Glorfindel and Finrod, both re-embodied, wreak havoc in Middle Earth and hijack their way into the Fellowship. Poor Samwise's brain cannot cope with all the ✨ B L O N D ✨

Sugar Baby - modern AU Angbang which connects to Rockstar. How Mairon, sugarbabied his way into being Melkor's husband. (also with skaelds)

Ereinion Gil-galad son of Caranthir - Gil-galad's life as a re-embodied elf in Valinor, living in the great city of Entulesse, home to all returned and re-embodied which does not answer to the authority of any of the three Eldarin kingdoms in Aman.

Galvorn Prince - Maeglin, heir presumptive to King Thingol of Doriath, is expected to contract a marriage with a Noldo to seal the alliance. The Noldor expect him to choose Finduilas of Nargothrond. Imagine everybody's (the Noldor, mostly) horror when Maeglin chooses Maedhros instead. (Because the Sindar retained the polycule culture of Cuivienen.)

From Cuivienen with Love - a.k.a the untold love story of Finwe with his greatest first loves: Miriel and Elwe. And how Finwe rose up to defy his ancestors, to give his family a chance of peace and more than just mere survival.

Yeah. I have the ideas, but not the time nor energy to write everything down. Fml.

Tagging: @cuarthol @skaelds @elentarial + YOU

#tag games

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our-transgender-experiences · 6 months ago

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(brief mention of suicide) long ramble

I’m finally feeling a little bit less helpless. A friend of mine recently had top surgery. He gave me recommendations for his surgeon and how The Process sort of goes. I have a tangible number to aim for with saving up. I have a goal and a purpose now. I used to want to take myself away from this pain in /any way possible/ I didn’t think i’d live past 16, let alone make it to 22. But here i am.

I am going to find a way to be happy, and if i cannot do that on a clear path i will claw and carve and fight through the weeds to see that joy. I owe it to that lost, lonely little boy. I owe it to him to seize this thread of hope even if it’s tiny and fragile. We will make it, hand in hand. And fuck it, we will. Even if i am alone in life, there is that little boy just ecstatic that I am here.

I don’t know if im saying this just to put it into writing to prove that i Can and Will do this, refer back to it on those dark days, or if someone reading this might need it too. As tired a phrase as it is, you are not alone. I am not alone. You have a version of yourself in the past that would be so incredibly excited for what you are doing and where you have got yourself, even if it was a tiny step forward. There will be a future version of yourself fighting looking back, trying to make sure your current self would be proud of them too.

there will undeniably be bad days, horrific days, days you might want to throw your hands up in the air and say fuck it all, I give up. I don’t want to be hurting like this. but imagine that young version of you. Imagine them taking your hand. Imagine them tugging you up and pulling you forward with the joy of a child seeing the gigantic stuffed animal on the other side of the carnival. Walk hand in hand with yourself, and you will find your other hand may find the hand of your older self, or a friend, or the person you dream you can be. You will reach that other side of the carnival some day. You will be able to give that child the gigantic stuffed animal, and it will feel so right and so perfect that their beaming little face will burn itself into your brain even as they barrel back into the crowd to find someone else to grab by the hand and tell them It might be hard, and it might be ugly, but take my hand and we can do it together. Pinky promise.

anyway i started crying writing this out fml lmaooooo Take my hand. We can walk together, if you’d like.

🐝 bee anon

Anon, you said this so beautifully i could never.

We are in this together, and we can be happy.

#transgender #trans

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definitely-not-an-alb · 4 months ago

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personal vent stuff/irl politics under the cut, to be deleted maybe and all that

I am ... weirdly aware of how completely emotionally and intellectually unable I am to even begin to engage with The Current Situation and it's genuinely freaking me out because I have not ever been like this and idk if it's an indicator of how badly I am doing or how badly the world is doing. And I know intellectually that this is normal and the, like, expected boom-bust-boom pattern of being a political entity the same way I have those boom-bust-boom patterns with, like, art and productivity, but again. It's scary because I am not normally like this and I cannot judge what that means rn. And also intellectually I know this means I should listen to those feelings and protect myself and recover so I don't make myself worse and we're at a point where I can only really wait for next week anyway, but emotionally it feels shitty and also WAH.

Like my brain just has gone way past 'you're too stressed and every time you encounter another stressor I will immediately throw up emergency lights'. Instead, I'm like in one of those bad black mir/ror eps where my eyes just slide off stuff. I cannot remember what was on the Tagesschau the last few days. I watch it and my brain just goes into shutters down turbo boredom mode and refuses to retain the info. FML.

There's a vigil later this week and idk if I can go and if I should and idk. Idk idk idk. I wanted to talk to my therapist about now I won't be able too and yeah. Idk what to do.

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m--rtyr · 9 months ago

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hellooooo oml i am like drinking so i might ot be the most sensical rn but hello. helloo

i commissioned you ocne and idk how many comms you get so this might be sooo obvious who i am but !!!! your art is so lovely. its so beautifl. i look at it and i see a painting. i see a visison. i look at the piece you made for me and feel like i robbed you with the costs for how it has shifted and tken a new place in my heart. i look at it so fondly bc how can you make something so beautiful ??? oml the skill and dedication you have put into honing your craft astounds me. it takes my breath away. sometimes i feel jealous for not knowing you bc i wish i could peel back your skin and peer into your brain and learn what churns in your head and how you generate your ideas and just. how much effort goes into making such beautiful things

oml and your writing HHAH. i went into the new lycorris radiata fic prologue recently (i can[t believe you deleted the original chap one i lovoveeed that thing king) (it took me like five attempts to speel king right) and i love the changes. i was writing a review in my notes app about it and i was painstaking lygoing through it all and i think i was liikkek??? 600 words in /?? and my phone had the audacity to nottt translates my notes over when i changed phones as if i haven't been working on my review for a week. fml.

but it is so beaitufl. you write like a fairytale. this issooo embarrassig and i'm gonna wake up tomorrow so embarrassed for sending this and feeling so parascial lmao but your art is truly beautiful. its like a microcosm of everything that makes you you even if i dont know you adn tyu build this tneous connection between the reader and the author and the stry and it leaves me in awe. you wrrite like a fairytale. the description is beautiful the characterisation is awe-inspiring and it creates a little place in my ribs where i think back on it and go wow. ths is the kind of story i will think back on for years to come.

SORRY I AM thteee sappiest drunk everr. we've arely talked this is sooo embarrassing but idk. yiour arrt is so gorgeous and i hope you know that. hope you wake up ever morning and you know you've put something so beautifyl out into the world and there is something who dearly anticipates every next word and who thinks your art is beautiful and your writing has changed somethingi nme. i love avra. i love vyla.d i love every word i've read and i wish i could share that oherently in my original review that i lsot but alas.

i'm so sorry LMAMO this will probably bee sooo weird for you to recieve frma strangero ntumbulr. i so need to sober up but its just so breathtaking. your brain is breath taking. i cannot wait for the day you next update or share art or do anything creative bc your wriitng is beautiful your art is beautiful and i smm sooso grateful you shared it with the world. is so beautiful i cannot help but believe you yourslef must be beautiful bc who else could create the kind of art you do

ok im done now im not reading thiisi ober nd i have no idea how long it actually is LMAOA i wish you the best strangerr. you are the kind of person someone would yearn to know (sorry i probs sound sooo parasocial haaha0 and i hope you are soo well

I’m screaming and crying and throwing up and I’m tearing off my clothes so I can run into the woods and howl at the moon and turn into a canine beast

This is

Everything to me, drunk anon, you are everything to me. I will one day get a printer so I can print this ask out, and I will post a YouTube video of me eating the entire thing, with no cuts, and no audio. Full on mukbang. Because I need this to be a part of my soul. And people will argue that consuming something does not integrate it into you forever but I would rather this be a part of me for only a short while than never at all

This has me feral and insane, you’re so sweet about me and you write in such a poetic prose I need you to write some kind of fiction now.

For this alone I will draw you a thousand pieces of art, using my own blood sweat and tears as my materials if I must. You are everything, Anon.

I wish that review still existed simply so I could read more of your words because if this is you drunk then I cannot imagine how you talk sober.

#I have a migraine and if I have to eat this ask I will do it #I’m screenshotting it and adding it to my favourites btw <3 #remembering you forever anon

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