#for now gonna avoid posting anything else until Monday as I’m not in the mental state for social media

[autisticlio]

Despair came knocking, and I let her in for awhile.

[buckys-black-dress]

a fine line, part two

a/n: here she is, our promised part two of afl!!! honestly i love writing this series and it has almost all my fav things in one fic, so yup. anyways, again, thank you for reading/sharing/liking my work !! luv u all, x -ali

wc: 5.8k !!!

-

The tension in the room was palpable.

And although no one knew you two were working together by verbal confirmation, it was clear from the way you were both reacting.

Bucky was rarely this quiet, so it was obvious what was going on.

Also the fact that you seemed frozen in place.

“Y/N? Everything okay?” Wanda’s soft voice filtered in next to you.

You nodded, trying to break away from James’ gaze.

“Mhm, who’re you working with?” You ask, moving away from the topic at hand.

“Oh, you know Professor Vision? He teaches Comp Sci.” Wanda is now visibly blushing, making you curious.

“Ooh, does Wanda have a crush?” Natasha chimes in as she sidles up next to you two. “I got Banner. How about you, Y/N?”

“I uhh, I got... Barnes.” You mumble under your breath.

“Who? I didn’t catch what you said there.” Natasha’s eyebrows furrowed.

“I... I got Dr. Barnes.” You said, not even daring to look up at your friends.

“...Oh. Well, that should be... interesting...” Wanda comments.

“...Yeah. It’ll probably be fine!” Natasha tries to comfort you, but there’s a stirring feeling in your stomach that almost makes you feel sick.

“He said there was no way to change it... right?” You ask feebly, trying to hold out hope.

“No... and I wouldn’t want to go head to head with Fury.” Wanda frowns.

“Great.” You conclude, taking a deep breath. “You know what, I can do this. It’s fine, I’ll be fine.” You tell the girls, gathering your things and filing out of the office as people began to leave.

Wanda and Natasha were left watching your retreating form, staring at each other.

“I’ll be surprised if they make it to the end of next week.” Natasha says, earning a shove in her arm from Wanda.

Bucky watched you leave the office, and the gears were most definitely turning in his head.

-

You spent the rest of the week keeping mostly to yourself, trying to mentally prepare for what you’d have to face next week.

In the email sent out by Fury, he explained that you and your partner should have a lesson outlined prior to Monday so you could get right into teaching. He also explained that you would have to share all of your classes, and somehow correlate the two subjects that each professor taught.

English and History, seems easy, right?

Wrong.

Every idea you’ve emailed James has been shot down, and your patience was wearing thin. You didn’t like being unprepared, and the week would be coming to a close soon.

So naturally, you did what anyone else would do, and knocked on James’ office door until he answered.

“I’m comin’ jeez, would ya hold on?” You hear his voice, muffled by the door, until he swings it open, coming face to face with you. “What do you need, Y/L/N?”

“Oh, lovely to see you too, Dr. Barnes. I just wanted to know if you were actually interested in making our lesson plan. If we’re going to be spending the next few weeks together, we might as well have a plan. And I thought your input might be better, since you’re clearly not a fan of what I’ve shown you so far.” You rambled, moving to stand in the middle of his office, laptop in hand.

“You know, maybe if you sent anything good, I would’ve worked with ya on it. But I just don’t think your style of teaching fits me. It’s too... too intimate. You’re too far up your students’ asses. You get too close, too personal with them.” James explains to you.

You can only scoff at this.

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, James, but my students and I have great relationships. If my students don’t like me, or what I teach, they’ll be more inclined to hand in subpar work. But if I make my expectations clear from the start, they’ll know what they have to do to earn an A in my class. That’s why my first two semesters here have been averaging with A’s all across the board.” You explain as simply as you can, because you felt like James was ridiculing you and the way you teach. You worked hard to get where you are today, and you know that’s why your students love coming to class.

Bucky stared at you for a few seconds, trying to process the information you dropped on him.

“So... your students... like you?” He asks, tentatively, almost.

“...Yes? I know you don’t like me, so it might hard to believe that others do, but I don’t think I’m that unappealing.” You scoff, looking at the floor to avoid Bucky’s eyes. “Anyways, do you have any ideas?”

Bucky’s chest tightened with guilt. After the incident at the bar, he was trying to not be as rude to you. He was trying to be more humane, in Steve’s words.

“I... Maybe we can take a look at some of the stuff you sent before. Maybe if you explain it to me face-to-face I’ll understand it better.” Bucky says, and you nod. “Take a seat, we’re gonna be here a while.”

As a few hours passed, you and James actually started a pretty solid outline for lessons. You started working on your first lesson, which would be the origins of literature. You could both talk about it, and you could both bring different aspects to the table.

“On average, how many kids do you have in your classes, Y/N?” James asks you, and your head snaps up at the mention of your first name. You had a moment where you imagine him calling you that way more often, making your throat run dry.

“Uhm,” you cleared your throat, “my biggest class is about thirty students, maximum.” You tell him.

“Really? My smallest is forty...” He tells you, scratching his chin. “Also very male dominated, I’ve noticed.”

You freeze, trying to process this. It’s only ten more kids... you’ll be fine, right?

“You alright, there, Y/L/N?” James chuckles, to which you let out a weak one. You weren’t used to large crowds, they made you anxious, nervous, like you were losing your footing.

“I-I’m fine. Yeah, all good, let’s get back to work.” You tell him, focusing back on your lesson plan.

“It’s uh, getting a bit late. Thinking we should head home soon.” James looks at you a bit longer, trying to gauge your mood.

“Uh- oh, what time is it?” You ask, squinting and cursing yourself for leaving your glasses in your office.

“It’s almost 7:30...” He tells you.

“Oh, I have to go! Lucy, she’s been all alone, I have to feed her!” In a panic, you begin gathering your belongings.

“Lu- Who’s Lucy?” James asks in clear confusion at your sudden panic.

“My cat! Oh, poor baby, she’s probably wondering where I’ve been...” You trail off, making sure you’ve gathered everything you need.

“W-wait, can I get your number?” James asks, and you both freeze.

“M-my number?” You ask, not bothering to hide your shock.

“Well, we’re gonna need to discuss the lesson plan somehow...” He tells you.

“Oh... well, here...” You pull off a post-it note from the pad on his desk and quickly scribble down your number, handing it to him. “I’m not usually on my phone too much, so if I don’t answer within a few hours, try shooting me an email.” You explain, making your way out the door.

“Have a good night, James.” He hears you say quietly before you turn away from the doorframe, and he hears the resonating shutting of your office door not even five minutes later.

Bucky sits in his chair, not having moved an inch from when you left. He stares at the blue post-it with your number scribbled on it.

He picked it up, inspecting it further.

Your handwriting was neat, but flourishing and borderline cursive because of how quickly you wrote.

Bucky pulls out his phone and inputs the number, saving your contact.

Y/N Y/L/N

He then types out a message:

Just wanted to text you so I wouldn’t lose your number. Hope Lucy is okay.

And he hits send, deciding to pack up his things, trying to understand why he chose to include your cat in his message.

And on your end when you check your phone after parking in your apartment building’s parking, you see a message from an unknown number. You choose to not answer until you’ve made it into your apartment and feed Lucy.

You open your messages, staring at it. Something in your chest fluttered, but you pass it off as your hunger, waiting for your dinner to warm up in the oven.

Hi James. Lucy is fine, thanks for worrying. Have a good night.

You send it off, saving his contact but choosing to not look at your phone until after you’ve finished everything that you needed to do.

After finishing some grading, doing the dishes, and adding to the lesson plan, you decide to settle into bed with a book. You check your phone while brushing your teeth.

James Barnes: Good to hear. Do you think we could work on the lesson plan over lunch tomorrow? Just so we can get ahead of the game.

Y/N Y/L/N: Sounds good. Are we still going to also meet up after classes?

It takes a few minutes before your phone dings again.

James Barnes: Yep. Do you want to just come by my place after? Kind of getting stir-crazy in my office. We could also order food.

You stare at your phone. Are you going crazy? Why is he being so... kind?

Before you could even respond, another ping pulls you back out of your thoughts.

James Barnes: You could also bring Lucy with you, if you don’t want to leave her alone at home for too long.

Okay, now you were sure you were going insane. He was being way too nice. Where was this attitude a year ago, when you’d first met him?

But then again, it wouldn’t hurt, right? You were trying to get out of your comfort zone...

Y/N Y/L/N: Sure, that’s good. Are you sure it would be okay if I brought Lucy? I wouldn’t want to impose on your personal space.

His reply was almost instant.

James Barnes: No, I don’t mind at all. Alpine would love the company.

Before you could even wonder who Alpine was, you remember your previous conversation with Steve once.

‘Bucky also has a cat...’

Y/N Y/L/N: Okay, then I’ll be there. You also have a cat?

James Barnes: Oh, yeah. He’s the sweetest. *1 Attachment.*

Opening the image, you see a fluffy, stark white cat. He had big eyes that anyone would swoon over. You look at the foot of your bed where Lucy is curled up into a ball, fast asleep. You carefully snap a picture, smiling at her.

Y/N Y/L/N: I’ll admit, he’s cute. But can he compete with her? *1 Attachment*

You smile, seeing the typing bubble, waiting for him to respond.

James Barnes: Doll, no one can compete with Al. But I can’t deny, Lucy’s a gem.

Reading over the message at least seven times, your eyes keep lingering over the first word. Doll. It was in a loop in your head, the only thought you were having was that one word.

Why did he call me that? Is he flirting with me? No... he doesn’t even like me! But then why would he be talking to me right now? And why would he send me a picture of his cat...

And now your hands were working faster than your brain, typing out a quick response with your stomach doing backflips.

Y/N Y/L/N: Alright, whatever you say, Bucky. I’m heading to bed, good night.

And you don’t wait for a response before shutting off your phone and plugging it in, putting it on do not disturb and abandoning it on your nightstand, flipping open your book. You were trying to clear your thoughts but miserably failing.

Unbeknownst to you, Bucky responded with a wide smile at the sight of you using his nickname.

James Barnes: Sweet dreams, Y/N.

That night, Bucky fell asleep with Alpine on the pillow next to him, but a wide smile on his face and his stomach full of butterflies.

Little did he know, so were you.

-

The next day, you woke up feeling like a brand new woman. You got a decent amount of sleep. You got out of bed and made coffee before you left the house. You arrived to school way earlier than usual.

To be honest, you didn’t know what was going on.

James was being nice. To you. Why the sudden change of heart? Or maybe he was going back to acting like an asshole when he sees you in person. You didn’t really know what to expect.

Honestly, what you expected the least was for a knock to be heard on your door, 15 minutes before your first class of the day.

“Come in!” You say, expecting a student or maybe Natasha or Wanda.

But the door swings open, and there’s James. He’s standing there with two paper bags, undoubtedly from the bakery down the street.

“Hi.” He says. Not offering anything. No explanation, no emotion. No indication of our conversation last night.

“Hi. Did you need something?” You ask, and for once, it wasn’t in a dismissive or cold tone.

“Uh, no. Just wondering if you’ve eaten anything yet today?” James asks, holding up the bags in his hand.

“Uhm... no...” You tell him, not understanding why he was asking.

“Oh, well I have an extra croissant, if you’d like.” He holds up the bags once again.

“Sure, you can sit in here to eat if you’d like...” You offer, not sure of the water you were treading in.

“Oh, thanks.” He sits down and you both pull out the pastries and start eating. “So, how’s Lucy today?” James asks, a slight smirk on his face. You honestly couldn’t tell if he was making fun of you or not.

“Uh, she-she’s good. Clingy as usual. How’s Alpine?” You return the question.

“Same for him, also clings to me like a koala when I leave, I always feel bad, but I don’t really have a choice.” You both giggle at the remark, nodding in agreement.

“I understand. Lucy’s still a kitten too, so she’s been getting attached a lot. But I think I need her just as bad as she needs me.” You tell him, and you don’t know why.

“Oh... no boyfriend?” James asks, and now you really can’t tell if he’s pulling your leg.

“Oh-” You giggle, covering your mouth. “That’s funny. No, no boyfriend.” You continue to laugh until you fall back into silence, and James is just watching you.

“What’s so funny?” He asks, genuinely perplexed at your reaction.

“James, I don’t think either of us are idiots. I don’t think I come off as girlfriend material to most guys.” You laugh again.

It became quiet, and you look back to your computer, ready to end this awkward conversation. You knew you had your insecurities, but it had always been hard for you to put yourself out there. Especially for guys. Your anxiety and introverted nature really put a pause on your already non-existent dating life.

Besides, you’ve always been alone. And you didn’t think that would be changing any time soon.

“Okay, well I’m gonna head out. I have a class to prepare for. See you tonight?” James asks, getting up from his seat across from you.

“Y-Yeah, I’ll see you then. Could you text me your address and what time I should be there?” You ask, also gathering your lecture notes and laptop.

“Sure thing, Y/N. Bye.” He waves, leaving. As soon as he steps out, you hear the clicking of heels against the laminate flooring.

“Why was Bucky in here?” Natasha’s gravelly voice asks, looking confused as ever.

“He just brought me a croissant, we were talking about our lesson plan for next week.” You explain to her. “Walk with me to my lecture?” You ask, pointing out the door.

“Sure,” she agrees, waiting for you to lock the door, “so, have things been... civil between you two?” Natasha asks tentatively.

“Actually, yes. He’s not all that bad. I’m going to his place after classes to work on the lesson plan, he asked me yesterday to even bring Lucy over so she could meet Alpine.” You tell her.

“Oh- wow, really? He’s being so... nice to you...” She responds.

“I-I know... I don’t understand why... He made it clear he doesn’t really enjoy my company.” You respond.

“Yeah... Well, this is new. I hope he keeps up with it.” She pats you on the shoulder as you reach the lecture hall.

“Yeah, me too.” You say, turning to her before going in.

“Hey, can I stop by your office for something at lunch?”

“Sure, see you then!” You tell her, setting up for your class.

-

Lunch time comes around, and Natasha was already waiting for you when you finished your class by lunchtime. You remembered James also asking to come by to eat with you and work, so you tried to make it quick with Natasha.

“So, you and Bruce already finished your lesson plans?” You ask, looking for a booklet she needed.

“Yeah, he’s fun to work with. Kinda a nerd, but he knows his shit.” She says, smiling and leaning against your desk. “Any reason you’re in a rush?” She asks, catching you off guard.

“Oh, uh, James is coming to eat here so we can get ahead on the lesson.” You tell her, looking back through your drawer.

“That’s... interesting.” Natasha’s brows were drawn together. “You two seem to have a lot of time allotted together.”

“Well, we have only a little of our lessons done, and we really don’t want to show up unprepared. You know how much I hate that.” You tell her, finally finding what she needed.

Outside your office, James was just about to walk in when he heard your voices.

“Yeah... Just wondering, did he ever... apologize for what he said that one night?” Nat asks.

“Uhm, n-no. He’s been really kind to be as of late, so I’m assuming we’re turning a new leaf... But he makes me... nervous sometimes. Just a few days ago, he wouldn’t even look at my lesson plan ideas. He looked like he would rather violently bash his skull in than work with me. I’m just- I’m confused. What made him change his mind?” You think out loud, really wondering if James’ behavior was genuine.

“Y/N, I know you’ve been through a lot, but I think you should give him a chance. Don’t be so weary. If he’s being nice, don’t question it. I don’t know why he was like that with you from the beginning, but you shouldn’t have to beat yourself up over the fact that he’s actually treating you with respect.” Natasha puts her hand over yours, meeting your gaze.

“Y-Yeah. I know. I know I deserve respect, but it’s been hard lately. Ever since my family stopped talking to me, I feel like a failure. They don’t understand that I deserve that respect either. They think teaching is a shit job, they think I won’t get anywhere in life with it. I’m just sick and tired of them acting like I didn’t work hard to get where I am today.”

I talked to my brother the other day, and he said the same thing they’ve been saying since I started my PhD. ‘You’re not gonna get anywhere with this, you should get a boyfriend, we want grandkids.’ Like, okay! I get it! But where the hell am I supposed to find a guy when the cute one doesn’t even like me!? And my last boyfriend was in my undergrad. I feel a like teenager. I have literally no romantic life.” You huff out, absolutely tired of this.

“I- Y/N, I’m so sorry. You deserve a family that’s supportive of you and your passions. I hope Wanda and Carol and I have maybe helped you, kind of like a work family, y’know?” She holds your hand tighter. “We’ll always be here for you.”

You smile, walking around your desk to hug her.

“Thank you, Nat. I appreciate you all so much. I don’t think you’ll ever really know.” You hug her tightly before letting go. “James should be here any minute now, but we’ll talk more after class?”

“You betcha, but don’t think I forgot what you said... Maybe he does like you.” She says, and your face turns beet red.

“Natasha, no. I think he’s made it very clear he’s not into me. Like, at all. I’m surprised we’re even working together. I didn’t think he would cooperate.” You laugh. “Okay, seriously, you gotta go. I don’t want him to walk in on us talking about him.”

“Okay, okay, talk later. Bye, Y/N.” She says, making her way out, and Bucky pushes himself against the wall, hoping she wouldn’t see him.

“Don’t forget what we talked about, yeah?” She says to him, not even looking back. Natasha only stops when she doesn’t hear his response, turning around. “Listen to me, Bucky. We may be friends, but so are Y/N and I. I don’t know if it was me or Steve who finally knocked some sense into the dumb head of yours, but if she comes to me again, crying, telling me she can’t take it from you anymore, I promise; you’ll be off this faculty faster than you can say ‘tenure.’ Now, am I understood, Barnes?” Natasha concludes, completely in Bucky’s personal space.

“I- yes. I understand.” He gulps, looking down at his hands. “I-I’ve been trying. To be nice to her. I know what I did before was wrong, but I’m trying, okay? Steve and I had a... a long talk.”

“Yeah, whatever. This better not just be a one-time-thing. From here on out, I want no complaints from her. She’s been through enough shit, and she doesn’t need any more from you. I have somewhere to be, and so do you.” Natasha says, parting ways and letting Bucky release a breath he didn’t know he was holding in.

He composes himself one last time, and walks into your office.

“Hi, James.” You give him a soft smile, “Take a seat, we’ve got work to do.”

-

When your last lecture finished, you made your way home to get what you needed to head to James’ apartment. He’d texted you the address and told you you could come by any time after 6:30.

You were thinking back on your lunch break with him. He was quiet, almost nervous to be sitting in front of you, and you couldn’t understand for the life of you why.

It was uncharacteristic of him to be so demure, and you wonder why he was suddenly so shy. Before, he wouldn’t have hesitated to make a remark, or take a jab at you. But now, he was quiet as a mouse.

It was concerning, to say the least.

So, on your way to his apartment, which was a solid 15 minutes drive, you call Natasha for advice.

“Hey. Can I talk to you about something?” You ask while you drive.

“Yeah, everything alright?” Natasha’s voice filters through your car’s speakers.

“Oh, I’m fine, but did something happen with James? He was acting so... odd today... He was so quiet, so nice. His behavior has been so different lately.” Your brows were furrowed, genuinely trying to crack this puzzle.

“Uh... well, isn’t it a good thing?” She asks.

“I mean, yes, but did someone say something to him?” You ask, puzzled.

“Uh, no...” lie, “maybe he’s just turning over a new leaf, Y/N. I think you should stop worrying yourself over it so much. And if you really want answers, just confront him about it.” Natasha concludes.

“...Okay. You’re right. I think I’m just reading too much into this. I need to go, I’m almost there. Thanks, Nat.” You tell her.

“Bye, Y/N. Good luck.” And the line goes dead.

“Looks like it’s just me and you now, Luce.” You look over at her carrier in the seat next to yours, where she’s curled up into a ball inside.

-

Once you park and text James to let him know you’re on your way up, you sling your laptop bag over your shoulder and grab Lucy’s carrier.

As you make your way inside, you stop at the concierge desk, where an older man with grey hair and glasses greets you. His name tag reads Stan.

“Hi, I’m here to see James Barnes?” You tell him, looking at the grandiosity of the lobby.

“Ah, yes, Ms. Y/L/N?” He asks, and you nod. “He said he was expecting you. Not that I don’t trust you, but I just need a form of ID before I can let you up.” You nod again, handing over you driver’s license.

He hands it back, giving an approving nod.

“Elevators are to the right, he’s in 12B.” Stan tells him, and you give him appreciative ‘thank you’ before you scurry to the elevator.

When you knock on his door, it takes a second for him to open it, a faint ‘Al, one second!’ resonating through the door, making you snort out a laugh.

“Hey, sorry about that. Come in,” Bucky finally appears, swinging his door wide open.

You walk in, setting down Lucy and taking your shoes off.

“So, is Alpine friendly with other cats?” You ask, weary of unzipping the carrier.

“Of course he is. Why wouldn’t he be?” He asks, but stops when he sees your expression fall.

“S-Sorry, I wasn’t trying to imply anything, It’s just- Lucy’s a bit shy, but she typically likes other cats.” You say, looking down at her.

“I-I’m sorry- that was rude. I wasn’t trying to sound like an ass, I swear. Alpine’s friendly with other cats, but he needs a little time to warm up to other people. Don’t take it personally if he isn’t too fond of you at first.” He laughs, directing you to his couch where Alpine was perched.

“Oh, hi baby!” You coo, holding out your hand to Alpine. He tentatively inspects you with his eyes, first, and then sniffs you. He then, his head buts against your hand, asking for affection.

Bucky’s eyebrows shoot up, shocked at how friendly Alpine was being. He barely even looked at Steve and Sam when they come by. But here he was, purring and shoving himself against you.

“Well, I think Lucy won’t have a problem with him at all.” You smile, bringing the carrier over to the end of the couch and unzipping it, letting Lucy move at her own pace.

At first, she just wearily looks at Alpine and the unfamiliar setting. She then looks at you, where you encouragingly coo at her, making sure she was comfortable.

Bucky gazes at the whole scene with a soft look, watching as Lucy slowly saunters out of the carrier, sniffing Alpine and the couch. Soon enough, Alpine sniffs back, and they start playing with each other, forgetting their owners completely.

You both laugh at how well they were getting along, and the contrast between the black and white furs making it that much better.

“Well, should we get started?” You ask, finally turning to Bucky with a big smile.

In that moment, his throat goes dry, and all he can think is... She has a beautiful smile.

“James? Everything alright?” You ask, breaking him out of his trance.

“I- Yes! Sorry, got distracted for a minute... Would you prefer Italian or Chinese for dinner?” He asks, shaking his head and trying to change the subject.

“Uhm, I don’t mind, whatever you’d like.” You smile, grabbing your laptop.

“So... Italian, then?” He asks with a light laugh.

“Sure.” You answer. “Where can we sit to work?”

“Oh, the table’s fine, we can eat while we work, too. Let me go order really quick.” He excuses himself after pointing to his dining table, and heading into the kitchen.

When Bucky reaches the kitchen, he takes a second to compose himself. He pinches in between his brows, his eyes squeezed shut. He didn’t know why he was acting like a teenager, he felt himself get flustered around you.

After he pulls himself together, he orders the food and comes back outside, finding you focused on something extremely intently on your screen.

“James, what do you think for something like this for a more interactive activity?” You ask, turning your computer to him, waiting for him to read the plan, biting your lip nervously.

“This- this is awesome, doll. This looks really good, the students would love this.” He tells you, reading over it one more time.

“O-Oh, thanks.” You thank him shyly, stomach fluttering while looking down at your lap again.

Suddenly, the doorbell rings, breaking the silence.

“Oh, the food-” James moves to grab his wallet, but you grab his wrist, stopping him.

“James, you’ve already been so hospitable, let me get it-” You say, but he shakes off your hand and shakes his head.

“No, I can’t let you do that, I insist,” he responds, beating you to the door and handing the delivery man his card, letting him ring it up quickly.

You huff, sitting back down in your spot with a pout.

“James, you suck,” you huff, visibly annoyed. “You didn’t have to do that.”

“Well, I did. Now, let’s eat. You good with red wine?” He asks, pulling out two wine glasses.

“Yeah, that’s fine.” You say, unpacking the food as he pours some wine.

As he sets down some plates, he sees your expression still pouty, like a child.

“Y/N, stop pouting.” You look so cute. “You can get it next time.” I wish I could kiss you.

“Oh, there’s gonna be a next time?” You ask, your face turning red yet again.

“I mean, we’re going to have to make more lesson plans, depending on how long Fury keeps this up.” He laughs, but you freeze at his words.

It’s true, you think to yourself, we’re probably going back to how it was before when this is all over. That’s probably why he’s being nice to me.

“Hey, you alright? Did I say something?” James asks, a concerned look on his face.

“N-No, you’re good. Sorry. Ready to eat?” You ask, changing the subject.

“Yeah... You sure everything’s okay?” He asks again, trying to make sure.

“James, everything is okay, please. Let’s just eat.” You smile, placing a hand over his in reassurement.

-

Dinner was delicious, and now you and James were sipping on wine while working, occasionally checking on Lucy and Alpine.

“Hey, do you think a group project could work? I usually give some to my students, I have a template I follow, but you could change it to your liking-” James tells you, but you cut him off with your thoughts.

“James, can I ask you a question?” You ask, hovering a hand over his.

“S-Sure. What’s up?” He sounds weary.

“You know, before we started this project, you like... loathed me.” You say. “Why?” Your voice breaks at that last word, barely getting it out of your throat.

“I... I just-” He takes a deep breath and looks down, grabbing your hand, “I thought you were... snobby, stuck up. I thought you came to this school thinking you were better than everyone else, that you were here to one-up us all.”

And before you could cut him to deny it with your shaking head, he continues.

“And I know now that I was wrong. I-I’m so sorry for the way I spoke to you, especially at the bar. After you left and Steve took me home, he basically yelled at me and told me how what I thought of you was completely off. I shouldn’t have assumed all those things about you, and I’m sorry. I hope you can forgive me, one day.” He concludes, holding onto your hand so tightly to convey just how sorry he was.

“I- Oh, James. Y-You know, I never meant to come off that way. I just- I’ve always had trouble making friends and talking to people, and things have been hard recently. I never meant to make you o-or anyone else, for that matter, to feel that way. I’m so sorry.” You say, tears prickling behind your eyes.

“Y/N, doll.” James moves out of his seat, wrapping you in his arms. “I can’t even tell you how much I wish I was more open-minded, more patient. Ever since Steve and Nat have talked to me, I’ve been just-”

“Nat? What has Natasha told you?” You stop him, pulling away.

“She- she just told me to stop. She told me you’ve been going through a lot, and that I wasn’t making it any better for you so-”

“Did she say what? Why would she tell you about my personal life-” You begin to ramble and waving your hands around.

“Doll, no she didn’t-”

“She had no right to say-”

But before you could continue, Bucky cuts you off.

With his lips.

Against yours.

Bucky was kissing you.

Oh my god, he’s kissing me!

You pull away looking at him in utter shock.

“Wh- What did you do that for?”

“I just- You were rambling, but I didn’t know how else to stop you.” James says, a blush creeping up his neck.

“So you kissed me?” You ask incredulously.

“Uh- yes?” He says, more like asks.

“I uh... I have to go.” You say, looking anywhere but his eyes as you gather your items, hunting down Lucy and putting her in her carrier; much to her protest and distaste.

“Y-Y/N, please, don’t go. Let’s just talk!” James pleads, but you’re not listening.

“N-No, I’m sorry, I have to go. I’ll see you in class next week. Bye, James.” You huff out, running to the nearest stairwell.

A part of you wanted him to run after you, but you needed time to process... whatever that was.

Did he kiss you because he liked you? Or because he wanted to shut you up?

You cut the drive home into half, the first thing you do after getting through your door is calling Natasha.

“Nat, I fucked up...” Your voice was weak through the phone.

And back in Bucky’s apartment, he dialed Steve’s number.

“Steve, I fucked up... real bad.” He meekly provides, his head in his hands.

-

a/n: oh boy. what’s gonna happen ??? hmmm... let me know down below! hope you guys enjoyed ;)

also, did y’all peep my stan lee cameo? :)

[buckyreaderrecs]

A Toast to Whiskey: Chapter 1 / 2

Summary: You work in an old bar hidden away from the modern world. It's almost charming, but not quite. That's probably why Bucky likes it.

Words: 2,325 Pairing: Bucky Barnes/reader Characters: Bucky Barnes Additional tags: Bucky needs a hug, recovering Bucky, mostly canon compliant (Infinity War and Endgame didn’t happen, Stark Tower still exists), angst, she/her pronouns, more tags/characters to be added with part 2, brief mention of Nazis, mental health will be prominent part of part 2

Note: Find this fic and others on A03 - click here. And follow this Tumblr! I post lists of Bucky/Reader fic writers and reblog all my favs. I’ve just started it, so would love the support! xo Rhi

Dedicated to: @browngirlmagic for the conversation. The next chapter is the Lush one!

A Toast to Whiskey Chapter 1 / 2

There were a lot of things in the dusty, old bar that made the man's jaw clench in annoyance, distaste, or anger. You were compiling a list of these things, doing your best to minimise their occurrences. There was one you couldn't avoid though, and it was almost amusing that it bothered him at all. Each time someone ordered a drink - beer, cocktail, shot, whatever - a clean glass was given. The man didn't like it. Was it not like that in his time?

If James Buchanan Barnes thought he'd gone unnoticed in the hole-in-the-wall bar you worked at, he was mistaken. Not entirely, to be fair; the baseball cap and quiet stopped the other patrons from even giving him a second glance. 'Patrons' might have been too civilised of a word to call them. They were old, sickly, local men that had been drinking the same beer from those same taps forever. Harmless, mostly. Unobservant, entirely. Not you though. The first day Bucky walked in and taken a barstool on the very corner, closest to the door, you knew exactly who he was.

Like a lot of people that came and went from the establishment, Bucky's seeking of anonymity was granted. You pretended to not recognise him. You were kind to him, a little more gentle than you were to others, but mostly just a good bartender. And in time, you grew accustomed to the charade. He came in a couple of afternoons a week, but never during the nights when it would be busy. Eventually, he even started to speak more than a couple words to you.

"New cap?" you greeted Bucky with a grin, putting the only drink he ever ordered down in front of him.

Bucky wrapped his right hand around the glass of whiskey. He glanced at you, smiled and shrugged.

"Speaking of new, can I ask you something?" you asked.

The expression on Bucky's face was guarded, but definitely one of concern. You realised you should have just asked, rather than let his mind spiral.

"What’s your problem with clean glasses?"

He looked surprised. Surprised was an experience Bucky wasn't particularly used to or fond of. He wouldn't hold it against you though.

"How do ya know I got a problem?" he asked back, genuinely curious.

Shrugging, you looked around casually. "Guess I notice a lot of things about people,"

"Right," he said slowly, knowingly. "I don't know… Just seems wasteful… Is it the law?"

"That we have to use clean glasses?" you asked with a laugh. "I don't know… probably not. I mean, it's more hygienic. Probably makes the drink taste cleaner or whatever. Board of Health might have a problem with us if we didn't… Not that I've seen one of them in here in years."

Bucky picked up his glass and finished the whiskey. "Fill her up," he quipped. He'd made a half-joke, and you appreciated the effort.

"Yes, sir. Lemme know if you, you know, what anything else," you told him, topping him up, knocking your knuckles on the bar top, and walking away.

…

Bucky Barnes certainly wasn't the most chatty person you'd met. It was better to ask questions if you wanted to pass time with conversations. Easy conversation was one of your special skills, being a bartender and all. However, it was incredibly difficult to do this when you were purposefully avoiding topics that would put Bucky in a position to have to, you know, admit his identity and all that. So, things stayed superficial.

No, Bucky didn't watch the game.

Yes, the weather's been insane.

No, he doesn't want any nut mix.

Okay, maybe yes to pretzels.

Yes, he can see your hair has changed colour.

Yes, he likes it.

For as long as it had taken to get to the point of superficial conversation, it didn't take any time at all to run out of things to say. As it turned out, neither you nor Bucky had lived, or were living, shallow enough lives to sustain it. There were questions you were begging to ask, and if he was honest with himself, Bucky was kinda just counting down until you finally spoke up.

…

"So, I got a question,"

"Mmm. You have a lot of questions," Bucky said, smirking then taking another sip of his whisky.

"You could ask me somethin' if you want a change of pace, pal."

It was a joke. Just banter. But a dark expression flashes across Bucky's face for only a split second. You didn't catch it.

"What's your question, Y/N?"

He knew your name?

Of course he knew your name. He was The Winter fucking Soldier. He probably knew everything about everyone that worked and frequented the bar. How had you not thought of that before? Suddenly, it seemed risky to ask what you had planned to.

Bucky watched you hesitate. He sighed and looked around at the empty room. It was a Monday afternoon and it was just before the regulars showed up to knock beer bottles together and catcall you across the bar. It was just you and him.

"Ask," he said softly, taking his cap off and setting it down on the barstool next to him. You watched Bucky run his hands through his hair, tucking some of it behind his ear.

"Why do you drink whiskey?"

Bucky laughed. Like, a proper heartfelt laugh. "What?" he said, nose still scrunched up in amusement.

"What?"

"Why do I drink whiskey?" he repeated.

"Yeah… I mean… It's disgusting… and, like, you… can't get drunk, right?"

There it was. You did it. Admitted you knew him. Which he figured out. So none of what was happening was really a big deal. But it sure as fuck felt like it.

"Right. I can’t- Well, I can, but it takes a lot,"

"Asgardian mead a lot?"

Bucky grinned and tipped his glass towards you. "How do you know about Asgardian mead?"

You snorted. "Everyone does. Everyone knows everything these days,"

"That's what we want you to think," he said, not skipping a beat.

It made you laugh. It was already better talking to him without false pretences. "So, whisky?"

"Ah… Guess it's that everything's different now… An' that's mostly good. But… You know."

No. No, you didn't know. How could you even begin to understand? "Yeah," you said, your voice far more quiet than you meant it to be.

"Whiskey's still whiskey,"

"It tastes the same?" you asked.

"Almost. Not exactly. Close enough,"

"Makes sense… But why here? S'not like this bar been here since the 40s or anything."

Bucky was visibly trying not to smile. Or make eye contact. "Ah… Not sure how to answer that without… offending ya,"

"Huh? ... Oh, I don't own the joint or anything,"

"You don't?" he asked, his eyebrows furrowed together in confusion.

"No? You think I did? Why?"

"You're…" but he shrugged, still guarded. "I don't know," he lied. "But, ah, I was just lookin' for somewhere…"

"Pretty much stuck in the 40s or thereabouts?"

He nodded, smiling. "But without the Nazis,"

"Mmm… I mean… Have you watched the news lately?" you very quickly said.

"I try to avoid it," he admitted solemnly.

As people started to wander in, the conversation waned. Bucky watched you serve cold beer and pour bags of crisps into bowls. He listened to the worst songs being picked on the jukebox and he sat truly shocked you weren't even at least the daughter of the owner. Despite what you may have thought, he hadn't bothered to investigate you at all and finding his assumptions to be wrong was unsettling.

See, Bucky was a little bit smitten with you. He thought you were smart and sassy and timelessly beautiful. You were the ultimate perk of randomly picking this as his hideaway from the world. But, he figured you were only here because it was a family business. Why was someone smart, sassy and beautiful working strange hours at a shitty bar?

It was hard to say which of you was more curious about the other.

…

Something about what Bucky said had stuck in your head. Whiskey, his drink of choice, was the closest thing to his own time he could find. You could do better than that though.

About a year into working at the bar, you were finally allowed to venture into the cellar to clean it up. There were boxes of shit from forever ago down there and you just wanted it sorted, gone, and the space put to better use. Most of what lived beneath the floor was trash, but every hour or so you'd find something cool. A few vintage beer signs. Empty bottles of collector edition Coke. That kind of stuff. But, there was one thing you had found that you now wanted to stumble across again.

Nobody could remember where it had got to.

It took two days of searching to find it.

The bottle of whiskey was shoved under a bunch of paperwork in the office's bottom drawer desk. Not exactly where you'd store something worth a lot of money, but hey - the barely-there owners of the bar were eccentric, to put it nicely. You didn't recognise the brewing company on the peeling label, but that wasn't the point. The date on the bottle quite clearly read 1940.

When Bucky took his usual spot that afternoon, you bounced over to him with a grin on your face. He looked up at you, keeping his cap.

"Aren't you gonna ask me why I'm so happy?" you said, elbows on the bar and head in your hands.

Bucky smiled a little. He seemed sad. Sadder than usual. Good timing.

"Why are you so happy?"

"'Cause I found something that's gonna make you real fuckin' happy. Check this out!"

You produced the bottle from where you had it stashed under the bar and handed it to Bucky.

Bucky's lips parted slightly and his eyes went all glossy. He read the label carefully, probably trying to place the brand you couldn't. He handled it so carefully, even more than you in your fear of dropping it.

"This is real," he finally said.

"Yeah. I found it in the basement ages ago and just remembered it. 1940, so I figure it's like, first or second batch after Prohibition, yeah?"

Bucky nods. "I guess…" he replied, smiling, remembering Prohibition. "And before all the distilleries had to stop again,"

"For what?" you asked.

"The war," he said so matter-of-factly that it hurt a little. He looked up then, saw your confusion. "Dunno if it was law or if they just did it, but most places stopped making drinking alcohol and started making stuff to help win the war. And ah, whiskey stopped being made because it took up too much crops. I don't know. Something like that."

Something like that. Like he hadn't lived history.

"I didn’t know that. That's…" Not 'cool.' "That makes sense… Anyway. Open it," you ordered, getting out two clean glasses.

Bucky put the bottle on the bar and looked at you seriously. "Y/N, that's gotta be worth… a lot… Can't open it for no reason,"

"Nobody here cares about it. And besides, it's not really no reason, is it?" He didn't move or say anything. "Bucky." He flinched at his name, glanced around to make sure nobody heard. They hadn't. "I think you kinda earned this one, yeah? Now do me the honours."

Why was everyone in Bucky's life so goddamn stubborn?

He sighed and opened the bottle silently. You nodded in encouragement, letting him pour.

"A toast," you posed, holding your glass up. Bucky mimicked your action. "A toast to…" Everything in your head sounded either very cliché or very sad.

"Whiskey," Bucky finished.

"Whiskey," you agreed.

Drinking at the same time, Bucky swallowed in two gulps while you struggled with a sip.

"Jesus fucking Christ it tastes like cat piss now and it did then," you whined, pouring the liquid left in your glass into Bucky's. He laughed at you.

After drinking that down quickly, Bucky reached across the bar and took your hand in his. "Thank you, Y/N. Really."

A toast to finding things that make us less homesick.

…

After the 1940 whiskey, Bucky came in more regularly. He stayed longer, despite the place filling with people. He even began to talk to the other regulars when they sat at the bar and argued with you about politics, the news, and kids these days. You watched him play devil's advocate, siding with the old men, sarcastically poking fun at you with a quick comment every now and then.

You weren't sure when it happened, but you realised Bucky had grown to be comfortable in the space. And there was something about that that made you ridiculously happy. Like, sunbeams bouncing around on the inside of you making you all hot and tingly and full of joy whenever he was there kind of happy. It was gross.

Bucky would walk in, sit, place his cap down and grin at you with his cute little teeth and sparkly blue eyes. It made your day without exception, and you started to notice more little things about him and how they made you feel. When he hooked his hand behind his ear it would make your stomach flip.

One time, when he was telling you a story about carnival rides and baby Steve throwing up, a loose strand of hair fell across his face and you immediately and unconsciously leant across the bar and folded it gently behind his ear for him. Bucky froze, and you went to apologise, but he spoke first. "Thanks," he said softly, with more meaning than the situation called for, then continued on with his story.

It was like that for just over a month. Then he stopped coming in. There was nothing in his final visit to indicate he wasn't coming back. Bucky just disappeared.

CLICK TO READ PART 2/2

[coronashmorona]

COVID-19 Isolation:

Day 0

For a day & a half, my husband (hereinafter “Hubs”) & I pondered (read: lowkey argued about) the boundaries & limitations we should be imposing on our selves & our kids given the increased prevalence of coronavirus in our area. Was avoiding everyone all weekend really necessary? Can we eat takeout food? Should our kids go to school on Monday? What about after-school activities? What about the fantasy baseball draft we were supposed to host next weekend? Or the slew of small children’s birthday parties scheduled for the coming weeks?

Hubs was already planning on working from home, which he does often the last few years after his firm moved to a “hoteling” style office. My work is very flexible part-time & gets done whenever I can fit it in around everyone else’s schedules, i.e. can also take place from home if needed. 

Then, today, we got word that all local schools will be closed for 2 weeks. So at least that’s settled. 

Now, we’re confronting the challenge of how to go about our daily lives under these strange new circumstances. Namely:

The need for some kind of scheduled routine. We have a first-grader & a preschooler. They are absolutely wonderful, but go entirely bonkers if we’re home without any structure. They’re also in completely different places as far as personality, temperament, & educational needs. 

First-grader (hereinafter “6yo”) is kind of a high-strung, type-A, preintellectual. She needs a full briefing about what’s happening every hour of every day. If plans change, she has a million questions about what the alteration entails. (If she’s conscious, she has a million questions, period.) She enjoys so many great activities - artistic pursuits, imaginative play, dancing, & really anything else that involves running around like a banshee - but constantly asks for TV time and/or a snack anyway. Historically, it’s been nearly impossible to set her up with an activity & walk away for more than 10 minutes; she’s just the sort of kid who needs/expects an adult caregiver to provide companionship, guidance, & answers at all times. I’m hoping that having an agenda mapped out for each day will remind her of school & she’ll be more amenable to doing things independently for a relatively short, set amount of time. I can also meet her halfway & do my work at the dining room table while she embarks on a quiet activity. Finally, it sounds like the school district is hatching a contingency plan for remote student learning, complete with daily homework posted online, which is comforting to say the least. 

Preschooler (”4yo”) is a rambunctious ball of energy, but tends to be pretty easygoing overall. If left to his own devices, he’ll wander over to his trains or his blocks or even a book & play on his own. The problem, of course, is that when left to his own devices for too long, he’s probably up to no good. His favorite pastime of late has been playing in Hubs’s office, using some old printers & other computer accessories to “build Robot Marty” (a.k.a. the robot that roams the aisles at Stop & Shop). This activity will be mostly off-limits while Hubs works from home - a deprivation that I’m sure will be ill-received & spawn all sorts of disruptive discovery missions, i.e. let’s see what happens when we stick the end of Mama’s headphones into the electrical outlet. Oyyy. My hope is that if I break out some toys he hasn’t used in a while, & a few shiny new (read: held in abeyance since his birthday) ones, he’ll amuse him accordingly while 6yo & I do our thing. 

Getting fed. I am really, really nervous about consuming commercially prepared food right now. The chances of contracting COVID-19 from it are small, but it doesn’t seem worth the risk. As it is, I’m a bit of a DIY food purist, frequently eschewing restaurant food for my own creations. I have a whole separate blog detailing my experiences with Whole30, in which I take my appreciation for clean-eating to the max in order to improve my health. Tl;dr I cook a lot of fresh veggies & lean meats & try to minimize the amount of processed foods in my diet. Doing this is hard enough under ~ordinary stressful circumstances, let alone a global pandemic. I’ve already slid into some unhealthy reflexive stress-eating that needs to be curtailed ASAP. 

The biggest point with this, I feel, is establishing a meal+snack schedule. Else, the kids will constantly be asking for things to eat, interrupting any hope of sticking to a playtime/learning/physical activity schedule. On certain days spent mostly at home, I feel like all I do is stand in the kitchen cutting fruit, & we will not survive the next few weeks if that’s how it’s gonna be. Granted, this is sometimes exacerbated by my own penchant to use a free minute here or there to chop & roast some Brussels sprouts or eggplant. But there has to be a point at which “oh look, Mom’s in the kitchen” doesn’t automatically translate to “let’s give her something else to do”.

A possible strategy to alleviate this involves cutting a bunch of fruit in advance, portioning it out, & storing it on a fridge shelf the kids can reach, so they can get it themselves. I don’t want to deprive them of food; we just feel that they shouldn’t be eating a constant stream of processed garbage. This is a particular risk for 6yo, who has the metabolism & appetite of a hummingbird & openly fixates on the constant quest for treats.

Dealing with life’s other extenuating circumstances. As others with young children can likely attest, our life is constantly in several different states of flux, limbo, and/or disarray. Some other things we’ve been dealing with lately and/or will be dealing with shortly:

Hubs’s dad is having a hip replacement tomorrow. Several people tried to talk him out of it, but he’s been having terrible sciatic pain for a long time & as long as the surgeon/hospital will have him he feels he needs to go ahead with it. Who will take care of him afterward, & whether/when we can visit, remain uncertain. LATE-BREAKING UPDATE: surgery cancelled. A relief insofar as one variable eliminated.

Last week I definitely herniated/tore something in my abdominal area while pulling the kids in a wagon, & need to see a doctor for that. I’m not thrilled with the idea of being in a highly-trafficked public place, but I also don’t want to put off getting myself looked at & aggravate the injury in the meantime. As it is, I’m trying not to lift heavy things (e.g., our 4-year-old) or spend too much time on my feet, but that in itself is a struggle. Right now my appointment is scheduled for a time at which Hubs has a very important (virtual) work meeting, so I need to reschedule it and/or find someone else who can watch the kids. I’m praying for the former outcome because it begs the question “Who should we be letting in the house?!”

We’re in the early stages of renovating our kitchen. This means that we’ve met with a few designers/contractors about possible layouts & options, inching towards finalizing a plan & selecting one of them to carry it out. It sounds like Hubs wants to move ahead with this process as before, but suffice to say my mental bandwidth is now sufficiently occupied with other shit. 

I’m always in the middle of 187 different things, & it feels like they’re all now on hold: purging the house of outgrown clothes & toys, organizing the basement, learning German, catching up on continuing legal education credits,

Processing the fear + existential woe. None of us have ever lived through anything like this. It is fucked up. I try to take comfort in the fact that the isolation protocols are empowering: by staying away from others who might be carrying the disease, we’re taking control of an uncertain situation. 

But there’s still so. much. uncertainty. Right now, the kids are scheduled to go back to school March 30th. Then their spring break will start on April 8th, to coincide with the start of Passover (as well as Holy Week & Easter). Last year, we hosted a seder for 18 people. Can we do that this time? I have tickets to one concert (locally) in late April, & to another (abroad) in early June - will either one actually be happening?!

These are, decidedly, #firstworldproblems. But I think I join the rest of humanity in being utterly pissed off & daunted by the whole ordeal. Until another few weeks pass, all we can do is wait. And wash our hands a lot. 🧼 💦 🙏🏼

[jchall110]

So ordinarily I would put something like this on my Twitter, as that’s kind of turned into my personal vent/diary platform as of recent, but this is going to be much longer than Twitter can allow, and I need to write this all out without losing my train of thought. It’s gonna go behind a Read More, and I’d like to request that you only read it if we’ve been mutuals for a while, and only if you really want to. I’m not expecting any response, hell I don’t want any responses, I just need to put my thoughts down somewhere, and if I put it in a Google doc or something I’m gonna come back to it later and dwell on it, but if I just put it somewhere and immediately delete it, I’m not going to be able to talk to my therapist about it on Monday. Anyway, content warnings abound, as I’m gonna be talking about depression, anxiety, self-harm, suicide, covid-19, stalking, emotional abuse, and a pretty negative experience I had in a partial hospitalization program at a local mental institute. You’ve been warned. (Also for those of you who are new here, “ignore me” is my personal rant/vent tag, feel free to blacklist it to avoid seeing future posts like this)

So. Here’s a brief recap of the past year and a half in my life. Back in October of 2018, my best friend went through a very bad breakup with her emotionally abusive ex, while another of my friends was struggling very much with his mental health and attempted suicide. I was miserable working at Target and was gearing up to return to school in the Spring. I had also had feelings for the friend who went through the breakup, and she sort of had feelings for me, but she also had feelings for the other friend, and I had some vague kind-of feelings for the other friend as well, so in December we all decided “fuck it, let’s all date.” I won’t recap the full details of the relationship but it was a goddamn shitshow. His mental heath continued to deteriorate and he wasn’t seeking treatment for any of it, her mental health was extremely poor as well as a result of two years of emotional abuse and extreme codependency issues, and my mental health suffered greatly because of the expectations placed on me, as well as his frequent mood shifts where he would go from wanting to spend the rest of our lives together to, at one point, telling me things in an effort to get me to hurt or kill myself. Not a good situation by any measure. School was good, though, and the two classes I took last Spring were excellent, and I was ready to go back to school full-time in the Fall. Flash forward to September of 2019. My mental health is terrible, though my academics are very strong. I decide, after a few specific incidents, that I can’t be in the relationship with the both of them anymore and break up with him. A lot of bad things happened. She ended up leaving him as well. Then, about a month later, she left me as well and moved out of the state with someone she had met on OKCupid only a few weeks prior. At this point I need to take a medical leave of absence from school and move back in with my parents because I’m so depressed and traumatized that I can barely function. You see, since breaking up with him, he had been harassing me, even after I had attempted to get the police involved. He would call me, text me, make new Facebook accounts to send me message requests, anything to try to get in touch with me. So with all of this happening, and with me basically unable to do anything, I decide to look into a partial hospitalization program at a mental institution not far from where I live. Insurance covered most of it, my parents said they’d pay for the rest, so I started the program in early November. Ordinarily it’s only a three or four week program. I was there for at least 5. It was essentially a day program, so I would be there from 9 to 3 every day Monday to Friday. It was a really great program, except for a few things. Firstly, because it was a program both for mental health and addiction, a lot of the programming wasn’t really applicable to me, as the only thing that I’m addicted to is sugar, and I have no plans to break that habit. There’s a history of temporary psychosis caused by mind-altering substances in my family, and I don’t want to even find out if it applies to me as well. I barely even drink. So anyway, I was one of maybe three people who was there exclusively for mental health, so my options for programming were a bit limited, until a bunch of us complained about the repetitiveness of that aspect of the program and they switched things up a bit. Unfortunately it was at the tail end of my time in the program, so I didn’t exactly get much benefit from that. Secondly, and more importantly, close to the end of my time in the program, one of the mental health workers, a pre-doctoral intern who was running most of the “classes” that I was in, said a few things to me that were really frustrating and upsetting. Firstly she said that “ADHD doesn’t exist, it’s just a reaction to trauma. Too many kids are getting diagnosed with it when they just have regular attention issues, and in adults a diagnosis is almost always accompanied with trauma. And of course people are going to perform better when they’re on a stimulant.” Which. Is wrong on so many accounts. First of all, it’s overdiagnosed in the wrong people and massively underdiagnosed in the people who actually have it, especially young girls. And secondly, of course it’s paired with trauma when adults are diagnosed with it. They’ve had to deal with it for their entire lives up until then without knowing why they couldn’t do things the same way as everyone else, and there’s also a lot of trauma in general that comes with having ADHD considering how many people say “Oh, you’re just not trying hard enough” or “You’re just making excuses,” not to mention the self esteem issues that come with it. And thirdly, yeah people will perform better when on stimulants, but does taking a stimulant make everyone else tired? Cuz it does for me because it lets me slow down my brain enough to actually sleep. So yeah, that was fucked up. But the second thing she said was probably worse, and it didn’t actually occur to me how much this impacted me until earlier today when I realized something, but I’ll get to that realization soon. So it’s my second-to-last day in the program. I had gotten almost no sleep the previous night because I had a massive panic attack right before bed because my asswipe ex messaged me some really fucked up stuff. So I’m way out of it, and my ability to concentrate is pretty shit. I’m doing my best, though, and I’m paying attention to the discussion. We were talking about the parts of the brain and how they’re impacted by trauma. There were a few times during that day where I had forgotten words but still knew what I was talking about, and at least one of them had happened in front of this woman. So she asks “Does anybody know what the part of the brain is that connects the two hemispheres?” I say “Oh, I do” cuz I do know what it is, but for the life of me I can’t remember what the name is. (It’s the corpus callosum.) So she looks at me and says, out loud, in front of the entire group, “You know, it’s okay if we don’t know everything.” So I get all flustered and embarrassed and mad at myself because, in my ADHD people-pleaser brain, the teacher just failed me in front of the whole class and now they all hate me. So I don’t say a goddamn word for the rest of the day, and the next day I leave without saying goodbye to that one woman, after leaving a glowing review in the exit survey. So the thing about this that’s really fucked up is that like two days before, I sat down with her and told her how I have a lot of specific trauma around rejection and failure, especially relating to my dad and how he constantly asserts that I don’t try hard enough or that I need to do better, shit like that. Like, that was a major theme with me the whole time I was in the program. It was like, getting over the intense rejection of my best friend/girlfriend running away with a guy she just met, and my relationship with my dad. That was it. (Of the two, the one there that’s still a major thing in my life is my relationship with my dad. At this point, she can fuck off with whoever she wants. I’m more pissed at her than anything else now.) So for her to turn around and embarrass me in front of the entire group like that, when there was solid evidence that a) I did know what I was talking about and b) I was having a very off day was really messed up. In thinking about it, there was quite a few messed up things that she did in the last week or so that I was there. Probably more during the rest of my time there but I don’t actually remember most of it because working on your trauma can be traumatizing itself, go figure. Anyway, I had almost completely forgotten about that until earlier today when I was thinking about how I was getting much more sensitive to rejection and perceived failure recently than I was before all this had happened. Part of it is probably my increased estrogen dose fucking with my mood, but the majority of it, I think, stems from that one incident of her pretty much violating my trust and invalidating me in front of like twelve people that I really trusted and felt close with. Fucked me up, yo. Anyway, so I leave the program and start working for my dad at his machine shop. Things are going super well, I’m making a fair bit of money, keeping in touch with my friends as best I can, and doing my best to avoid my ex harassing me further. About midway through December I change my phone number so that he’ll stop calling me (he had several ways to get around me blocking his number), and in the middle of February I change my name on Facebook so he won’t be able to find me and send me more message requests, cuz there’s no way to stop that from happening either, and the police were useless because “I wasn’t in any physical danger.” At this point he had moved away from my town, presumably back with his parents but I don’t really know, and I really don’t care. So he messages my siblings on Facebook trying to get my phone number, and then somehow finds my Facebook again and sends me a picture of him cutting his wrist. So I get fed up, go to a local domestic violence prevention nonprofit, talk with one of their advocates, and file a restraining order against him. It gets approved, and the messages stop. A court date is set for us both to meet with a judge to discuss everything and see if it needs to stay in place or not or whatever, and for about 2 weeks everything is great. Then covid-19 starts hitting. I get what was probably just the flu or a cold or whatever a few days before the court date. Then the state that I live in announces that most court hearings are postponed until mid-April. I check on the website and find that stalking and domestic violence, among a few others, are exempt from this and will be going on as scheduled. Because I was recently sick, I call the courts the day before and ask if I can appear over the phone. They say yes, it’s all good, great. So the next morning I call in and things get moving. It turns out that my ex didn’t show up to the hearing, even though he definitely knew about it. So I talk with the judge for a few minutes and we decide that I don’t need the restraining order anymore because he’s not likely to start harassing me again, and if he does I can always get a new one or get the police involved. And so far I haven’t heard a peep from him so I’m assuming that chapter of my life is closed for good, which is excellent. But then more things start to close down, and my dad basically tells me that he doesn’t really need me at work and it’s best if I stay home. So since then I’ve been staying at home. It’s been 15 days total that I’ve been home, with only minimal trips to work for an hour here and there. And I really don’t do well with isolation. It’s not all bad, because I live with my parents, so I have some social contact, but as was mentioned above I don’t exactly get along with my dad, I don’t have a lot in common with my stepmom, and my grandmother is a grumpy old lady who isn’t very good for conversations about much else than knitting and Jeopardy. I’ve been doing my best to stay in touch with folks online, and it’s been decent, but it’s still pretty rough. And when Animal Crossing came out and all of my friends started playing it, I started feeling even worse because I’m poor as shit and don’t even have a Switch, and they’re fucking $400, which is a whole student loan payment for me. So I’ve been pretty miserable the past two weeks. To top it all off, I have to register for Fall classes next week, and I don’t think I can even imagine that far into the future right now. The world is supremely fucked, and there’s almost no way that I’ll even be able to afford to go back to school. I’ll probably have to drop out entirely. For at least a few years. And I’m really not ready to give up on school right now. Like I said above, I’m really sensitive to failure, and this is the third time I’ve tried, and failed, at college. And I’m getting real frustrated about it. The first time it was my ADHD, which at the time was undiagnosed. The second time it was mental health and my asshole ex harassing me. Now, when I finally have my ducks in a row, it’s money. The one thing that no amount of treatment or medication or court hearings will change. Plus there’s all the political bullshit going on still, and the impending collapse of society as we know it, and any number of other global crises (yes, that is the proper plural of crisis) going on. Oh, did I mention I’m an empath and the moods and emotions of the people around me, and of the world in general, pretty heavily impact me? I’ve been able to tell when some massive tragedy occurred even before the news story breaks. So yeah, all in all I’m doing about the worst I’ve been doing since high school before I was on antidepressants, and it’s really hard to see any end to this tunnel. I know I’m one in several hundred million people who are struggling right now, and I’m lucky that I’m at least moderately healthy with a steady place to stay and things to eat, but goddamn if things aren’t shit for me right now. Like I said, I’m not looking for any kind of response, and if you even read all of this I’m legitimately surprised. I just needed to put this all down somewhere because keeping it in is getting to be almost too much.

Don’t worry, friends. I promise you I’m safe. I’m just scared, lonely, and really lost right now.

I love you all.

[jimlingss]

I can't believe you ended chp 16 of Jp like that...i want to fight 😭

if you fight me, i’m guaranteed to be hospitalized ((look at these noodle arms)) and then who will post the next chapter on Monday? uh huuuh, that’s what I thought. Think twice before you wanna square up. (ง •̀_•́)ง

I am now answering spoiler-y messages below, so beware....

[SPOILER ALERT] 

*SPOILER ALERT**SPOILER ALERT**!SPOILER ALERT!*

Massive spoilers to come, please do not read if you have not yet read Jungle Park Chapter 16. Or go ahead and read if you’re chaotic like that.

Anonymous said: ok but what if oc and Hoseok were actually engaged....

I’m an idiot, anon - I accidentally deleted your ask before I copied it correctly lol oops, but ding ding ding! correct! you’re a winner!! i believe you sent me this message like 2 chapters ago and honestly you freaked me out by how accurate you were. dammit, I might’ve been too predictable, but you catch on quick. sorry i couldn’t answer sooner hahaha i couldn’t risk other people jumping on the same theory. you’re a genius tho, i’ll give you props for it.

Anonymous said: DATED!FOR 4 YEARS! ENGAGED! Omg wow shit really hit the fan like there is no coming back omg Wowoowoeoeoeooew I’m SHOOK like I never expected that like NEVER!!!

Anonymous said:I KNEW IT!!! i had a feeling it was either a really long relationship or they were engaged at one point. TURNS OUT IT WAS BOTH omg gahdhsjxbjsjs I'm so excited to see this all just unravel omgomgomgomg

kawaii-ing said: FhbsjshJuxYhUgrnziVJgdjsbdud JUNGLE PARK CHAPTER 16 JUST WRECKED ME YO 😱😱😱😱😱 HE KNOWS AND SHE DOESNT KNOW HE KNOWS IM SO CURIOUS FOR WHATS GONNA HAPPEN NOW Btw lovvvveeee your writing, thanks for all your hard work boo xxx💜💜

ASDFGHJKL I SAID SHIT WOULD HIT THE FAN AND I FOLLOWED THROUGH, RIGHT?? AREN’T YOU PROUD! THERE’S NO CLICKBAIT ON THIS BLOG HAHAHA 

Anonymous said: omgg 4 years? ENGAGED?? I’m ??? jut WHAT happened

:O :O

Anonymous said: BROOOOOOO! THEY WERE ENGAGED :o *insert Pikachu meme*

pikachu meme?? hahaha is that a sarcastic surprise? so you weren’t actually? lolololol :O

Anonymous said: Ahh I loved jungle park 16!! I'm so excited for the angst to come 👀 is hoseok's car accident related to oc at all?

hmm guess you’ll have to wait and see ((but also just putting it out there that if it was related that would be pretty makjang and lol im not about that life with this series))

Anonymous said: (1)oh holy hell Kina,,,my head’s hurting bcs of JP:16. ENGAGED what?? huh. now its one of my fav chapters, like 4-6 (ah those innocent cute baby steps in hoseok’s&oc’s relationship,,,not THIS). but freaking FINALLY someone spilled the beans. i love this kind of scenes, THE truth revelation. chang’s unaware of storm hes causing with his words, hoseok’s world’s simply crushing, oc doesnt know yet whats happening&dae is helplessly watching from sidelines trying to stop the catastrophe&failing

Anonymous said:(2)thats sad. i kinda can imagine what hoseoks feeling now, plagued w question that almost no one’s willing to answer, that drive him crazy.what happened? why did oc hide the truth? what did i do, how bad did we hurt each other? why can’t i remember any of it fuck. its a perfect opportunity for insecurities&ugly thoughts&inner demons to poison his mind. and oc...her house of cards collapsed revealing things she was trying hard to escape. will she feign ignorance again or will she finally face it

Anonymous said:(3)i just hope that in the end after this storm theyll reach their own peace, whatever the outcome will be. past stays in past, but only if every issue is resolved. otherwise it might return later&be worse than before. it was a great chapter. thank you — chem

THE BEANS HAVE BEEN SPILLED!!! honestly the universe is in chaos right now lol Hoseok’s like the fuck....and oc doesn’t even know lol but yeah it’s definitely a sad situation for almost all parties. there’s still more to be revealed tho, like the actual details of what the fuck went on haha anyways, i’m glad you’re enjoying it!

Anonymous said: AAHHHHH ITS FINALLY HERE!! Thank you 💞💞. Wow it was truly a lot and honestly, I feel kinda scared for Hoseok... it’s crazy that he really doesn’t remember anything and learning all this new information is like being in another word. If this story wasn’t one about love and fluff, it could’ve totally turned into a horror story lol. Thank you again and I’m very excited to see where the story goes!!

a horror? can’t say im very good at the genre but that’s definitely an interesting concept....the more i think about it....like for someone to go through something suppper traumatic and not remember at all and someone appears in their life but it turns out that someone was actually the serial killer? dammmmn that would be really interesting. i digress, thank you for enjoying it. definitely Hoseok is lost, scared, confused.

Anonymous said: SHIT’S 🗣 HITTING 🗣 THE 🗣 FAN 🗣 omg *insert “she’s meditating” “she’s dead” meme* and the fact that this is just the beginning??? how?? what?? i’m honestly so skek for the next chapter like i dont think hoseok’s gonna go apeshit on yn but you never know now do you ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ superb chapter for reals!!!! like, all of your writing is great but this chapter?? *chef’s kiss* didnt even know i was an angst fan until this chapter lol sending all my love to you!!! - chanting anon

hahhahahahhahaha there’s a lot more to unravel. now the puzzle has been exposed, we gotta start looking at the details. thank you for the message *throws chef’s kiss back* also welcome to the angst realm lol

Anonymous said: finals starts at the 20th and school ends in the 24th and we're still at chap 1 on our research. Due to stress, i thought, hey, might as well read the latest chapter bUT WHO KNEW IT WOULD BRING ME MORE STRESS. FOUR YEARS?! ENGAGED?! i feel like hoseok right now. You make such awesome stories and worlds. It affects me in so many good ways i cant even. i dont always give you my thoughts per chapter but i want you to know that i scream at every single one of them. have a nice day! - anon h.a.n.d.

oh my goodness!!! good luck on your exams!! hahah im sorry the chapter isn’t very much comfort food and kind of more wild but still happy you enjoyed it! 

Anonymous said: PT. 15 & 16?! WHAT. I COME BACK TO TWO CHAPTERS. HOLY COW. but really, like now that I know what I know, I’m so sad. I wonder what their relationship was like. That’s a lot of time to invest in someone and for it to fall apart like that... I couldn’t imagine what OC had to go through. I’m sad BUT THE DEVELOPMENT IS MAKING ME SO FREAKIN EXCITED. THANK YOU FOR GIVING US SOME ANSWERS ABOUT THE PAST. I CANT WAIT TO SEE HOW MUCH ELSE HE FINDS OUT.

I KNOW RIGHT?? LIKE FOUR YEARS IS A FUCKING LONG TIME. then again that was like 8 years ago. but yeah, it’s sad for both oc and Hoseok, y’know? I’M GLAD YOU’RE EXCITED!!!

Anonymous said: Great Jungle Park chapter! I'm pissed because SOMEONE SPOILED IT and i saw they were engaged before i could even click on the 'read more',,, but great chapter! I wish i could've read it without knowing, it kinda made me sad and it was not as great as it could have been.. @people spoiling, fuck off >:(( @you you're the best writer ily u nice keep going!! Can't wait to have Hoseok's full mind process over how crazy it is he doesn't remember 4 YEARS and an ENGAGEMENT (and only 2 dates huhu)

haha chill, anon. did you actually know that spoilers can make someone enjoy a story more? it’s actually a really interesting thing to google and find out more about. the chapter’s still the same whether you had an inkling of what was going on or not. you still enjoyed it too, right?  :D 

Anonymous said: CRAP OK, well, we knew it was something more than two days, but HONESTLY lol I love how you wrote y/n trying to keep it together. I could feel her fear as she lost control of the situation when Hoseok showed up. Do you think in her mind she even slightly expected him to show up? I'm assuming she's very internal w/ her thoughts/feelings seeing as she doesn't talk to anyone about what happened between her & Hobi all those years ago nor has she dealt w/ it, mostly just avoided it, would you say?

oh yeah oc was on the verge of a mental breakdown when he showed up rofl, damn near scared her. he was basically like a jumpscare LOL. but yeah for sure she didn’t expect him to come. i mean she basically told him and he was like ‘ok whatever’ and didn’t express interest and it’s not like he got an invite so she didn’t know he would actually go out of his way to show up. and yeah i agree, oc’s very internal with her feelings, or at least what happened all those years ago. it’s sensitive issues anyway that she’s left behind. or at least tried to.

tofugguk said: BROOO i LITERALLY— LITERALLY LOST IT. WHEN CHANGSUB DROPPED THEM BEING TOGETHER FOR LIKE FOUR YEARS THEN THE- “You guys even got engaged.” PART I SCREAMED. YOOOOO I CANTTT HANDLE THIS

Changsub isn’t the dumbass that we wanted. But the dumbass we needed.

((don’t you love how oc tried so hard to keep it a secret for like 16 chapters aka like near a year and some idiot comes trapezing in and in his first scene he just spills all the beans??? hahahha))

[romchomp]

That One Track from your favorite romance anime

So, I’m a whore for soundtracks. The amount of hours I’ve spent listening to various soundtracks is in the hundreds. Something I’ve noticed in discussions about good anime soundtracks is that romances are often left out, with the exception of Clannad and Your Lie in April. So here I am, ready to take the task nobody requested.

Before I start listing animes and their soundtracks I’d  like to first say that the thing about scores in anime, movies, video games, and even tv shows is that they usually have one track that’s easy to identify (ie. a theme song, a track that plays during a progression/training scene or a track that plays during the climax, etc.). Depending on the tone and atmosphere of the series, this track could be sad, fun, a mesh of the two, or something beyond those lines. Regardless it should affect how you feel and be memorable. So in this post, I’m talking about different romance anime and what I think is** that one track** from them.

**Because I’ve had troubles embedding the tracks into this post I’ll just leave a link to a playlist I made with all the tracks used on soundcloud and youtube**

1. Toradora- Lost My Pieces

There are a lot of tracks from Toradora that I adore, including Yuugure No Yakusoku and Ameiro Rondo. What makes Lost My Pieces work out, however, is the fact that it plays at the climax of the series and stands for a mental shift in the main character as well as a tonal shift in the series. What else is interesting is that this is the only time the track is ever played in Toradora. It really shows how effective it was, considering the track's popularity. When most people think of Toradora’s soundtrack they’ll think of Lost My Pieces. This is certainly** that one track** that will make you...feel things.

2. Clannad- Roaring Tides

This one is probably more arguable considering how many tracks in Clannad are severe tear jerkers. Personally, Roaring Tides has always been that one track in Clannad that would without a doubt fuck me up. There’s just something about that piano...and the...everything. It’s a very dramatic piece and man is it good at heightening the drama in Clannad. Of course, Nagisa and SnowFeild are very close seconds and I can’t forget to mention Town, Flow of Time, People; or Existence; or the goddamn ending Dango Daikazoku (why does this show hate us).

3. Fruits Basket (2001)- Secret

Fruits Basket has a generally wacky soundtrack that covers a variety of tones. However, if there is one track that could be associated with the darker moments in the anime, one that always played when one of the characters talked in depth about the zodiac curse, it’s Secret. This track is a little different from the ones in Toradora and Clannad though. This one’s purpose isn’t to make the viewer cry. I think the track only has that effect from a nostalgic standpoint; listening to the track on its own after the fact adds quite a bit of feeling to this one. Secret is more or less, meant to set the atmosphere. That, put together with how often the track was used, makes it one of the more memorable ones. I can't wait to add the reboot to this list.

4. Nana- Akai Ren

Nana’s soundtrack doesn’t get talked about that often even among its fans. I’m not talking about the vocal pieces that were played by Black Stones or Trapnest, but the background osts. The reason for this probably has to do with 1) the songs sung by Black Stones and Trapnest are on a separate CD than the background tracks and 2) there are a whopping 43 tracks on the CD of background tracks. Regardless, there are a number of tracks that stuck with me even after finishing the show and the best example of this would be Akai Ren, which made me cry EVERY SINGLE TIME it played. That piano still haunts me. What also haunts is the second ending, Starless Night. That one’s a close second.

5. Anohana- Secret Base

I’ve been avoiding using the openings and endings on this list, but I’ll make an exception for Secret Base considering it plays like a track in the background for emotional scenes on several occasions. I was considering using Last Train Home instead, but that track just...doesn’t hit the same way and isn't utilized nearly as often as Anohana's ed. Secret Base also has the advantage of not being played in its entirety until the most climatic and emotional part in the series (as if just a few seconds of the song wasn’t already enough).

6.  Your Lie in April- My Friend A Will Be My Accompanist

We all know the soundtrack for Your Lie in April is amazing. Whether it be the classical pieces performed by characters or the rest of the soundtrack that’s left for the background, but I think My Friend A is a particular track that’s memorable and easy to listen to on its own. It plays often throughout the show and because of that, I think it’s the most identifiable piece in the series. My Friend A is beautiful. It doesn’t even need the context of the show to make it an emotional listening experience. If anything this gives context to the show.

7. My Little Monster- Tetsukazu no Kanjou

Not as much of a tear jerker as it is just an adorable track that I often come back to. Maybe it’s a more of a track that elicits happy tears? My Little Monster’s soundtrack reminds me of Toradora’s in the sense that they both have fun scores that feature mostly quirky tracks with a few emotional ones sprinkled in. For this series,  it’s emotional one is Tetsukazu no Kanjou, which the show utilizes quite well. It often plays when the audience discovers something new about a character or see an emotional shift in them.

8. Snow White with the Red Hair- Reconciliation: The Beginning of Two People

The best word to describe Shirayuki’s soundtrack would be magical; it's a true fantasy romance score. I was hesitant to mention this soundtrack at all because at first I felt that while Reconciliation is a gorgeous piece, it’s not overwhelmingly emotional, but I’m listening to it right now and have realized that uhhh it’s very emotional and I don’t know what I was thinking. And looking back, this track in specific added a lot to scenes and did, in fact, bring up several emotions. While (maybe) not tear-jerking, the track would definitely have you gushing at how sweet and precious the main couple is.

9. Bloom Into You- Earnest Wish

You know, you hear a lot of piano in romance series. A lot of violin. A lot of flute. But  clarinet? That's not as common.  This track really makes you wish there was more luckily, a lot of the other pieces on Bloom Into You's soundtrack also have clarinet in them. Anyways, any moment Earnest Wish started playing...I knew shit was about to go down. There was usually some dramatic wind (oftentimes blowing Touka’s hair) when it started playing. Something new would be revealed about the character's backstory or their insecurities. Good piece. Very good piece.

10. Kanon- Winter Fireworks

Kanon has the misfortune of forever being compared to Clannad and living in its shadow. Something I think, however, that doesn’t deserve to be compared to Clannad would be Kanon’s soundtrack. Its score is unique and successfully conveys a winter essence. Winter Fireworks is the best example, but there are so many other amazing tracks. I just [making aggressive hand gestures] really love it.

11. Your Name- Sparkle

Your Name is really good at using its score to accelerate emotional scenes and generally flow with the mood of the film. Its best example of this would be Sparkle, which plays at the climax and man does it work. The pace of the track has the perfect amount of energy to go along with a beautiful running sequence that was emotional as all hell.

So far I have only talked about tear-jerker tracks, but romances are also completely capable of having a track memorable by how warm and happy it is.

12. Toradora (again)- Startup

Startup is probably the easiest to remember/call out but I think Happy Monday is a really close second that no one talks about. Startup is used similarly to Lost My Pieces, though more often. Where Lost My Pieces plays at an emotional climax, representing a progression in the characters, Startup always plays when one of the main characters is making a stride to better themselves or their situation (hence, progressing the story). It’s a great track and does its job well.

13. Kaichou wa Maid Sama- Main Theme

Man, I could dance to this track. I remember always feeling giddy when this track started playing. You knew things were about to get exciting. It’s the perfect amount of fun and cheesy for a hilarious and sweet shoujo such as Maid Sama.

14. Princess Jellyfish- Umi to Tsuki no Yume

While it’s hard to stream the entirety of Princess Jellyfish’s soundtrack for free, there are a few tracks that are easily accessible on youtube. Umi to Tsuki no Yume is one of them and lucky for me, it’s one of my favorite tracks as well as one that seemed to stick out to others as well. It’s very befitting of the show’s flamboyant yet down to earth atmosphere.

15. His and Her Circumstances- Peace Reigns in the Land

I love every track from Kare Kano but this one especially left a mark on me. There’s plenty of lovely piano pieces that you could you point to as that one track but I personally find the tracks with trumpet solos and soft drums to be the charming point in its score. Peace Reigns in the Land normally plays sometime during the beginning of episodes and really leaves you feeling like everything is gonna be okay. As for accessibility to the soundtrack, there are a few tracks you can find on Youtube and I managed to find the entirety of the soundtrack here on Soundcloud uploaded only five days ago (so who knows how long it'll be up).

16. Nisekoi- Meirou

Nisekoi’s production value was always too good for its own good and its soundtrack is no exception. I was torn between a number of tracks from Nisekoi to mention. Should I go with the sweet and warm Lost of Words that reminds me of summer? Or the fun and goofy Meirou I can still remember playing at the end of each episode years after watching? Or what if I go with the more bleak Nikuhaku to represent that one track that stuck out in the series? Well. It’s Meirou. Hate to be anticlimactic, but Meirou captures the tone and atmosphere of the series better than any other track in the series. It's sweet but in a ridiculous kind of way.

17. Honey and Clover- Be Careful of Being Tricked!

I absolutely adore Honey and Clover’s soundtrack. It has an interesting range of instruments that gives it a unique charm. Be Careful of Being Tricked is no exception with its use of bongos, the organ, and acoustic guitar along with humming... It’s a good time. Bon Bon Bereppa was another track I thought of using for this list. Both tracks scream "How did I get myself in this situation?". It was really hard to pick one over the other, to be honest. It came down to the organ.

18. Lovely Complex- Orchestra Na Risa

Generally, the score of Lovely Complex is goofy and a riot to listen to on its own. Orchestra Na Risa is one of the slower pieces, and a touching one at that. Somehow it manages to feel sweet and whimsical while still fitting in with all the other ridiculous tracks and antics in the show itself.

Honorable mentions??

Doukyuusei (the whole thing tbh)

From Up on Poppy Hill- Kokurikozaka kara (theme song)

Air TV- Natsukage

Yosuga no Sora- Kioku

Now there are plenty of romance anime I have yet to watch and I hope many of them will make me think to myself "Wow, this would've made a great addition to that blog post I made about romance anime with good soundtracks". There are certain anime I’m even prepared for. But for now, I’m just writing about what I already know [it’s not a lot].

Here is a playlist of the all the tracks I listed in this blog post and here's a playlist I made of all my favorite romance anime tracks that you can check out if you feel inclined.

[missslothy]

Jot it down July - H50 Fic

Title: Divine Intervention

Rating: Mature

Summary:  What if the reason Danny and Steve have never got together is not their fault?  

Notes: This is AU.  I originally started writing this last weekend, for Jot it down July – I was going to post it on Monday = Museday.  Real life decided that wasn’t going to happen.  It’s not going to happen this Monday either ☹ So I’m posting today 😊

The Gods mentioned in this story are:

Apollo – God of music, poetry, knowledge, medicine etc.

Aphrodite – Godess of love, beauty and procreation.

Ares – God of war.

 H50H50H50

Somewhere up in the heavens…

Apollo comes to a halt when he spots Aphrodite sitting in the garden in front of him.  It crosses his mind to hide behind the nearest marble column.  She looks morose, staring sightlessly into a fountain.

Sighing, he rummages around in the pocket of his white toga, pulling out a small wax tablet.  Running his eyes down the inscription he purses his lips. 

Aphrodite’s the Godess of love, beauty, pleasure and procreation.  If she’s happy all the Gods were happy.  And if she isn’t all hell would break loose.  So, Zeus had decreed that each of them would take it in turns to make sure she was happy.

According to the schedule on the accursed tablet in his hand it was his turn to keep her entertained.

Squaring his shoulders, Apollo approaches her bench.  Something on Aphrodite’s lap shifts, slowly morphing out of her white dress.  It’s a small, smooth-haired white cat.  It turns, staring straight at him.  With a jaw-popping yawn it regards him with distain before making itself comfortable in Aphrodite’s lap again.

“I’m vexed,” Aphrodite sighs deeply as he takes the seat beside her.  “These humans are just so…”

“Vexing?” Apollo suggests helpfully as she trails off. 

Aphrodite rests her chin on her hand.  Wrinkling up her nose she stares into the fountain again. 

Apollo waits patiently.  Anyone else would look ugly with a scrunched up face, he muses.  Aphrodite is still stunningly beautiful.  No wonder the other Gods are lining up to warm her bed.

Aphrodite waves her hand at the fountain, breaking into his thoughts.  The flow of water parts to show an image from the world below.  Two men are walking out of the sea, side by side.  One is tall, dark haired and long limbed.  The other is shorter, his golden damp hair glittering in the sun. 

Apollo whistles under his breath.  Both men are well-built, chest muscles rippling as they walked.  Their water-dappled flesh glistens like precious stones.

“They’re beautiful, aren’t they?” Aphrodite breathes, leaning forward, spray from the fountain marking the hem of her ankle-length white silk dress.

“Breath-taking,” Apollo agrees, his mission to keep Aphrodite happy forgotten in the face of such masculine beauty.  “Who are they?”

Sitting back, Aphrodite folds her hands together, resting them in her lap.  The cat grumbles  then jumps down to curl around her sandaled feet.  “Steve McGarrett and Danny Williams.”  Frowning, she struggles to recall something.  “They come from Hawaii,” she continues after a pause.  “It’s an island in the Pacific.”

“Hawaii.”  Apollo nods.  He knows the place: it’s an island of artists and music, of warriors and peace makers.  He hoped to visit it one day.  Soon, he decides, as he watches the two men jog through the sand.  Something catches his eye, a shimmer of colour around both men that blocks out the sun.  They have an aura.  It was red.  Blood red.

Shocked, he jerks back.  “They have bleeding hearts.”

Aphrodite covers her eyes with her hand.  “They are broken.”

Apollo shuffles in closer, still transfixed by the image from the world below.  These men were perfect – almost perfect. “Then you must fix them.  You must find out what ails them.”

Aphrodite’s blue’s eyes flash to black.  “Don’t you think I’ve tried?  I thought they wanted life partners,” she huffs, her opinion on that particular relationship status obvious, “but every time I gave them a girlfriend they just…gave up.”

Apollo frowns, watching the two men towelling off.  They’re standing close together.  So close together.  Steve pats Danny on the shoulder, touching just a split second too long.  As they collect their things together Danny’s fingers brush along the top of Steve’s swimming attire, stroking Steve’s hip. 

Apollo licks his suddenly dry lips.  “They love each other?”

“That’s what I thought.” Aphrodite’s suddenly animated.  “But I’ve tried everything to get them together and they still won’t do what I want.” Crossing her arms, she pouts like a spoilt child.

Apollo reminds himself of the real reason he’s here.  Swallowing the laugh that’s threatening to escape, he adopts a serious face.  “Are you sure you’ve tried everything?” he says consolingly.  “Perhaps there is something you’ve missed?”

“There isn’t.” Aphrodite hugs herself.  “I’ve tried parting them in the hope they would pine.  I’ve put them together for three days, all day and all night, but all they did was argue,” she sighs, reaching down to stroke the cat who, to Apollo’s surprise, seems to sigh too. “Not even putting them in peril made a difference.  They’re so annoying.”

They’re annoying and they’re upsetting Aphrodite, Apollo thinks.  He can already feel his own stress levels rising, a direct effect of her mood.  It’s time for more direct measures….

H50H50H50

Back on earth…

Steve tightens his grip on the tree root.  Swinging his leg up, he gets a toe hold on a rock that’s sticking out.  Levering himself up enables him to find another tree root to wrap his other hand around. It’s not enough to get him back up to the top of the cliff but at least he’s secure.  For now.

Taking a deep breath, he yells for help.  Then he yells a few more times.  When his voice threatens to give up he pauses to revaluate the situation.

He’s hanging off the side of a muddy cliff.  The top’s about ten foot away.  Below him is a life-threatening thirty-foot drop.  How he got here is not entirely clear to him.  One moment he’d been out running, listening to music on his headphones.  The next, he’d been tripped over and before he knew it, he’d slipped over the cliff.  Luckily, it doesn’t feel like he’s broken anything.  How the hell he got that lucky, he has no idea.

Now all he has to do is get out of here.

“Steve?  Steve, you out here?”

It’s takes Steve a moment or two to realise it is actually Danny who is calling his name.  In fact it’s not until Lou’s yelling voice joins Danny’s that his brain finally acknowledges what’s going on.  He starts yelling too, as loud as his voice will go.

A short-while later Danny appears, attached to a rope.  There’s more yelling, some cursing, but eventually they get to the top of the cliff.  Steve lets Lou pull him over the top then he rolls onto his back, panting hard. 

“How’d you find me?” Steve gets out between gulps of air. There hadn’t been anyone else out on the road.

Danny’s face appears, obscuring his view of the sky. 

“Someone called it in,” Danny explains as he runs his hands over Steve’s chest, gently prodding and pulling.  “Lou and I were just about to pay a visit to our suspect when the call came in that someone had gone over the cliff.  Duke knew we were in the vicinity so he asked us to check it out.”

Steve lets his eyes drift closed.  Danny’s hands are moving lower, checking the rigidity of his belly, then going lower to smooth across his hips.

“Hey.  Hey.  Don’t fall asleep on me.”

“I’m not,” Steve answers truthfully, keeping his eyes closed.  Sleep’s the last thing on his mind. 

“You wanna tell us what happened?”

Lou’s voice is gentle but insistent.  Reluctantly Steve opens his eyes.

“I don’t know.”  He looks away, avoiding Danny’s gaze.  “I was running.  Then I think…maybe I tripped.”

“Maybe?���  Danny’s hands transfer to Steve’s head, running through his hair.  “Are you sure you didn’t hit your head?”

“You tripped?”  Lou sounds equally unconvinced.

“Yeah.”  Steve bats away Danny’s hands.  Carefully he levers himself up onto his elbows.  “There was a cat, a white cat.  I wasn’t looking.  It came out of nowhere—”

“A white cat?”  Danny pushes himself up from his kneeling position next to Steve.  Crouching, he hovers instead.  He frowns.  “You sure about that?”

Steve runs the conversation back through his mind, looking for whatever he’s apparently missed.  His heart sinks.  “Danny…”

“Okay, you’re gonna get checked out,” Danny insists, reaching out a hand to help Steve up.

Steve hesitates, making his feelings known.  Lips pursed together, he lets Danny pull him up.

“Someone want to tell me what’s going on?” Lou says to no one in particular.

“Steve has a record with white cats,” Danny explains, emphasising the last two words.  “Last week he almost crashed his truck because a white cat ran in front of him.”

Steve plants his feet in the ground.  “It did.”

Danny studies him.  His expression softens as he tucks himself under Steve’s arm.  “I’m not saying it didn’t,” he says, nudging them forward.  “What I am saying is that if you’re seeing white cats again then maybe it’s time we got the doc to check you out, okay?”

“It was just one cat,” Steve mutters but he lets himself be led.  Danny’s arm is around his waist, sitting easily just above his ass.  Warmth seeps into his skin.  Sparks of pleasure skip across his nerves endings.

The hairs on the back of his neck prickle in warning.

Instinctively, he halts.  Pulling away from Danny, he spins round.  Eyes darting left and right, he checks out the area around them.  Behind him he’s aware that Danny and Lou have stopped.

“Everything okay?” Danny asks.

Steve mentally shakes himself.  Turning back, he winces.  The sudden movements have revealed new cuts and bruises.  “Thought someone was watching us,” he confesses, his cheeks turning pink.  Sparing one last glance up at the sky, he tucks Danny back under his arm.

Lou hangs back, eyebrows meeting in the middle as he surveys their surroundings.

“Welcome to my world, Lou,” Danny calls back to him with a long-suffering sigh.  “He’s been imagining for weeks that someone’s been watching us.” He points at the sky.  “Someone up there.”

H50H50H50H50

Back up in the heavens…

Aphrodite waves her hand and the scene in the waterfall goes dark.

Apollo throws his hands up in despair.  “They didn’t kiss.”

Aphrodite shrugs.  She looks smug.  “I did warn you.”

“They didn’t kiss.” Apollo jumps to his feet and starts pacing.  This isn’t acceptable.  It’s not acceptable at all.  “They were touching.  There were sparks…they were both enjoying it.  So why didn’t they kiss?”

Apollo spins round and paces around the fountain.  As he passes Aphrodite she shrugs at him again.

He’s beginning to hate her shrugs.

Hunkering back down beside her on the marble bench, he considers their options.  “We need to make the situations more dangerous.  They will not be able to deny their feelings for each other then.”

Aphrodite tugs at her ear, her gaze distant.  “I’ve tortured Steve, several times.”

Apollo nods, filing that information away.

“He’s jumped off high bridges, been exposed to nuclear radiation.”

“Okay.” Apollo ticks those off his rapidly shortening list of perilous situations.  Humans are fragile: the list isn’t endless.

“I’ve even destroyed his liver.”

“Really?”

“Really.”  Aphrodite looks super-smug now.

Apollo nods, quietly impressed.  That was a gutsy, dangerous move.  “So what happened after that?”

She rests her chin on both fists. Her body deflates.  “Danny gave him his liver.”

“No.”  Apollo snaps his jaw shut.  “No.  They couldn’t have…no one could have resisted that.”

Aphrodite folds even further into herself.  “They did.”

Apollo covers his face with his hands.  “They are so annoying.”

They both sit silently, lost in their misery.  Time passes.  So absorbed are they in their own thoughts they don’t hear the footsteps approaching at first.

“Apollo!  You are neglecting your duties!”

Apollo scowls as he turns.  There’s no mistaking the voice.  Ares, the God of War, is used to making his voice heard.  They all get to hear it a lot.

Beside him, Aphrodite half-smiles and flutter her eyelashes as Ares approaches.  Apollo forces himself not to groan out loud at her behaviour.  She might be a married woman but they all know who she is really in love with.

Aphrodite pats the bench beside her, inviting Ares to sit down.  “Apollo’s been trying to help me with these humans,” she coos, “but he doesn’t know how to heal their broken hearts.”

Apollo bites his lip against the implied slight she’s just delivered.  Instead, he concentrates on Ares’s face.  He has to struggle not to laugh.  Ares is way out of his comfort zone.  This might actually be fun.

Settling back, he watches as Aphrodite waves her hand and the image in the waterfall rematerializes. 

Steve and Danny are in a bedroom.  Steve’s laying on the bed.  The shorts he’s wearing don’t leave much to the imagination.  Danny’s dressed in a tee-shirt and shorts and he’s leaning over Steve, wiping something on the cuts and bruises that litter his skin. Their bodies are only inches apart.

Apollo squirms uncomfortably on the bench. Self-consciously he rests his arm across his crotch.  Beside him Aphrodite is breathing heavily.  He finds that reassuring.

Ares appears to be oblivious to both of them.  He’s staring at the scene, stroking his chin.  Eventually he stirs himself to start asking questions, to find out what they’ve already done.  Once they’ve finished explaining they fall silent again and wait.

Eyes narrowing, Ares glares at the image.  “They are soldiers, are they not?”

Apollo shrugs.  It’s not strictly true but they have both seen battle.  Aphrodite nods.

Ares sits up straight, slapping his hands on his thighs.  “Soldiers do not need thoughts.  They need action.”

Before Apollo can ask what that means, Ares snaps his fingers.  Steve and Danny’s bodies jerk.  In a blink of an eye, they collide.  The sound of their heads connecting rings out.  The sheer force of their collision makes them both bounce back.  With a surprised curse, Danny lands on his ass on the floor.

Slowly, Aphrodite turns to face Ares. “What was that?”

Ares looks her in the eyes.  “Kissing.  Isn’t that what you wanted?”

Not really, Apollo thinks, rolling his eyes.  Trust a warmongering idiot like Ares to think that was enough. 

Aphrodite smiles though as Ares clicks his fingers and replays the scene.  Steve and Danny’s lips do meet – barely.  Aphrodite smiles wider.  She pulls Ares down for a kiss of his own.

“I knew there was a reason I loved you,” she purrs as Ares gets up, pulling her to her feet.  The cat stretches, then curls itself around Aphrodite’s ankles.

As they disappear out of the garden, Apollo shakes his head.  This really has been a disappointing interlude.  Looking at the image doesn’t improve his mood at all.  The two idiots on earth are still talking.  Still.  Perhaps he won’t go to Hawaii after all, if everyone is as idiotic as these two men.

Waving his hand, he blanks out the image again.  Walking away, he sighs.  Some people just don’t deserve the benefits of divine intervention.

They really don’t.

H50H50H50

Steve rolls onto his side, cupping his nose with his hand.  Experience tells him it’s not broken but it hurts like hell.  “Ow.”

A groan from the floor gets his attention.  Gingerly, he hangs over the edge of the bed to check it out.

Danny glares back.  He’s sprawled across the floor. “What the hell was that?”  He daps at his nose with his fingers, his face relaxing minutely as they come away free of blood.

“Hey, I didn’t do anything.”  Steve raises his hands defensively.  Wincing, he pushes himself upright and slides off the bed.  “You okay?  I don’t know what—”

“I’m fine.”

Danny’s expression suggests otherwise but Steve lets him have the lie.  Helping him to his feet, they stagger back to the bed, perching on the edge of it.

“I swear, I didn’t do anything,” Steve starts but Danny waves him to silence with his hand.  Twisting sideways, he looks straight into Steve’s eyes. 

“You kissed me.”

“No I didn’t.”  Steve holds his gaze, his eyebrows joining in a frown.  It might only have been for a split-second but it’s a moment he’ll never forget.   “You kissed me.”

Danny’s eyebrows drop into a matching frown. He rubs the back of his neck. Looking away, he exhales loudly.  When he looks back, doubt is written across his face.  “Okay.  This is gonna sound weird but…but for a second there…for a second it felt like someone…made me move.”

Steve feels his heart stop.  He reminds himself to breathe.  “Like someone picked you up and moved you?”

“Yeah.”  Danny grimaces, his cheeks reddening from embarrassment.  Then he looks at Steve’s face again.  Really looks.  Understanding dawns.  “You felt it too.”

Steve scratches one of the numerous tiny cuts on his arms, inflicted when he fell off the cliff.  They sting like hell.  “I’ve felt it before,” he admits.  “Just now.  Today, at the cliff.  When I nearly crashed the truck.”  The list was longer than that – much longer – but he’s already walking on dangerous ground.  It’s a touchy subject between them.

Danny rubs at his face, with both hands.  “So what we’re saying,” he says finally, jerking his chin upwards, “is that those guys up there are real and—”

“We talked about this.  I know you don’t believe in them.  I respect that but don’t reject my—”

Danny gently places a finger on Steve’s lips, bringing him to a halt.

“So what we’re saying,” Danny starts again, his tone warm and fond, “is that the Gods think we should be kissing.  Am I right?”

Steve blinks at the sudden left turn the conversation’s taken.  Lost for words he nods. Enthusiastically.

“And you really want me to kiss you?”

Steve nods more.  He wants it so much.

It seems like forever before Danny’s lips touch his. Closing his eyes, Steve leans in, claiming Danny’s hips with his hands.  Hauling Danny closer, he deepens the kiss.  Danny groans, deep and needy, his hands grabbing for purchase, sliding over Steve’s skin.

Danny’s touch sends a spark of pleasure down Steve’s spine.  Skin suddenly hyper-sensitive he twitches, a full body twitch down to his toes.  Rolling back onto the bed he takes Danny with him, groaning in return as their bodies rub together in all the right ways.

Steve protests when Danny pulls away, sliding off the bed.  But then his brain catches up again. Stretching out on the pillows, he laughs as Danny hops and curses as he struggles to strip.  Then Danny’s naked and gorgeous, crawling back up the bed towards him. Eagerly he hauls him back in, claims his lips for another much longer kiss. 

Time blurs.  His brain empties of all thoughts.  The next time he can string two words together it’s several hours later.  And Danny’s asleep in his arms.

Humming happily to himself, he buries his nose into Danny’s hair and breathes.  Danny mutters something, shuffles, then goes back to sleep.  Steve watches him for a while, wondering how he’d denied himself this for so long – why they both had.

They’d both been idiots, he thinks, as his eyelids finally slide closed.   

There’s no point arguing with the Gods.

The end

[btshodown]

Remember You (Pt. 3)

↳ You’re just trying to get by and stay the course, but Jin has other plans in mind for you. Maybe going to that party on Saturday wasn’t such a great idea after all.  

Pairing: Seokjin x Reader Genre/Warnings: Fuckboy!Jin Au, Angst || Mentions of violence Word Count: 6k+

➭ Round of applause for me finally putting this out. :’) I won’t talk too much, but yeah, this is gonna be a 4 parter. Had to shorten it or I’d never would have posted it. You might want to read Part 2 just to recap since its been a while. Let me know what you think! <3

“Did you hear about it? What happened between her and Jin?”

 “I heard he ran out crying half naked and she left with Yoongi in front of him.”

 “No way! She left with one of his friends even though he was crying for her to stay? I always thought she was a little too stuck up, but now I know she’s just a bitch.”

 “Yeah, I mean, how can anyone be so cold hearted as to leave someone like Kim Seokjin crying?”

 A heavy sigh escapes you as you try your hardest to ignore your morning girl employees’ gossip about what happened two days ago, on Saturday night. After waking up Sunday morning in Yoongi’s place, you left him a note saying thanks (he was still sleeping) and made your way home to get ready for your mid-shift that day. Now it was Monday, and you had just finished talking to your manager Seoyoon about your new schedule availability; which were more morning shifts. She did seem skeptical as to why the change, since you were always so sure of staying night shift to avoid waking up early, and you had a feeling she was privy to the rumors; but ultimately she gently agreed to the switch.

 Not only did this mean that you’d have to get your body back to a normal sleeping schedule, but you’d at least hardly ever work with Seokjin again. The only downside? You work with more of his friends since the mornings/afternoons were always the busiest customer wise and employee wise.

 It was now noon and your little café just finished its morning rush and lunches for the buildings surrounding them, meaning that it was slow with very little to do besides gossip (prime example a few feet away at the dessert case) or clean the store. Which is what you began to do, but you could feel your nerves begin to crawl under your skin as you watch Namjoon make his way to you the moment he clocks in. It’s clear what his intent is when he stands by you and pretends to get the espresso bar ready for any drinks, but you stubbornly ignore him and go back to cleaning the counter despite it being spotless.

 “So…Saturday.”

 You knew it. “I don’t want to talk about it Namjoon-ah.”

 He pauses in putting back the porta-filter for the shots, before recovering from your clipped tone to nervously pushing the shot glasses in a line. “I know, but I still want to talk to you about hyung.”

 “Why?” you let out a sigh and finally turn to look at him as you set the cleaning rag on the counter to cross your arms. “What is there to tell me about him that I didn’t already figure out?”

 “A lot, actually,” the younger, tall male besides you clears his throat to get rid of whatever nerves he had and looks you in the eyes, wanting to convey just how serious this was to him. “All I ask is that you wait for me after my shift is over so I can talk to you. There’s a lot about Jin-hyung you don’t know about.”

 You try your best to decipher his stare, wondering if he was being sincere about this or if it would turn out to be some cruel joke Seokjin had planned for you. No doubt he was angry for how you made him look a fool in front of all his guests and you wouldn’t put it past him to do something to embarrass you as retribution. But unfortunately, Namjoon’s stare didn’t show any malicious intent; only genuine sincerity for whatever it was he going to tell you about Jin.

 “Alright,” you say it in a sigh as you look away from him to grab the cleaning rag once more, going back to pretending you’re working. “I’ll wait for your shift to end then.”

 Namjoon grins, allowing you to see his famous dimples all the girls gush about, and rubs his neck in surprise of you accepting. “Perfect, you won’t regret it, I promise.”

 As you nod silently and make your way to clean the fridge in the back, you can’t help, but to feel something would go horribly wrong. Maybe not with you and Namjoon, but there was definitely something in the air that was making you uneasy.

 It was nearing six now and you were just about to lose your mind with all the possibilities of what Namjoon was about to tell you. He finished his shift a little while ago and he began leading you across the street to this boba shop you and Yoongi frequented often. Even entering the familiar store and ordering your favorite milk tea could not keep you from wiping the sweat off your palms on your jeans; part of you honestly wanted to just forget about this and run out the shop.

 He leads you to a table outside, even the fresh breeze passing by did little to calm your racing mind and the flipping in your stomach; sitting in front of you as he fidgeted with his drink. You take a rather large gulp of your tea to strengthen your resolve and hopefully come out of this unaffected. Hope being a very key word here.

 “Jin-hyung is going to kill me for telling you this,” Namjoon suddenly mutters – your heart spikes faster in anticipation as you unconsciously still your breath – and heaves out a determined sigh before meeting your eyes, “but this needs to be said and all of us are tired of him being too much of a coward.”

 Your brows scrunch together in confusion as you completely forget about your milk tea drink, your hands wringing together in nerves, “All of us?”

 He gives a slow nod as he thoughtfully takes a sip of his own drink and licks his lips, no doubt building the courage to spill whatever secret he and his friends had been holding. It was frustrating, trying to be patient with the young man in front of you when all you wanted was to reach over and shake him by the shoulders, demanding to know what information he had.

 “We all know about it, our group of friends. Jungkookie is still a bit new, but even he has heard about it all too,” he pauses again and looks away from you to stare at his hands clasped around the cup. “You do remember Jin-hyung from back at high school, right?”

 The sudden question has you blinking in puzzled silence as his eyes meet yours again, inquiring with a raised brow. What kind of question was that? Of course you remembered Kim Seokjin from high school! The better question was who didn’t? His fuckboy ways escaped no one back then and his parties were infamous throughout campus.

 “Who doesn’t?” you reply in a slight snort as you finally unclasp your hands to take a sip from your drink, your voice turning a bit distasteful at the memories. “Everyone who didn’t live under a rock knew who he was back then. I’m pretty sure there were rumors of him fucking all of the cheerleading squad and even some from the dance team. That’s not even counting all the parties he threw.”

 A grimace passes through Namjoon’s face as he listens to your harsh words, but no defense for his friend came out of his lips – how could he when what you said was partially true?

 “Okay, but do you remember him before that?”

 “What?”

 Your face said it all and a small flicker of smugness crosses Namjoon’s features at seeing your clueless expression. “Sure, you remember him from when he was most popular around the start of senior year; but do you remember him from before that?”

 Did you? There was no question that the younger man’s question had you pulling out blanks; was Seokjin ever anything else, but a player? Try as you might, you couldn’t quite bring up a mental picture of him from before senior year – and it made you realize that up until then, Kim Seokjin was never a name you knew.

 “No,” came your slow reply as your eyes don’t stray from Namjoon’s, demanding with your gaze alone for him to answer your question, “is there any reason for me to?”

 “Only if you cared enough to know why he suddenly turned out that way.”

 You suddenly realize why he and Seokjin were friends, how could you not when the young man in front of you was finally showing you his true cunning side? He was baiting you with his slick words and suddenly turned this conversation around so that it left you wanting to know just who Kim Seokjin really was when just a few hours earlier; you wanted nothing to do with him. As much as you wanted to feel bitter for this sudden turn-around, you could only let respect bubble inside you for Namjoon and cross your arms to stare at his cat eyed gaze.

 “Fine, you got me. Who was he before senior year and why the sudden change?”

A small, crooked smile adorns Namjoon’s lips as he rests his forearms on the table and leans in, a glint of triumph in his slanted eyes. “We’ll start from the beginning then. Do you remember Jaebeom, Park Jaebeom?”

 The moment he mentioned your old high school crush, you knew that whatever he was about to tell you was far from what you were imagining. That name hadn’t even crossed your mind in years; you couldn’t even fathom how it was relevant to Seokjin. Just what in the hell were they all hiding for all these years?

“Honestly hyung, you need to stop drinking, it’s getting ridiculous.”

 Yoongi stares exasperated at Jin’s drunken body slumped over his couch, frowning with irritated concern as he eyes all of the empty vodka bottles on his coffee table. Once upon a time Yoongi had been in this very situation, back when he could barely afford to pay his rent and finally giving in to his pride to let Jin help him financially until he found a better job at the café. It seemed like they switched positions and it was now his time to help his friend out of his destructive spiral.

 He just wished that he was better with his words.

 “Fuck off,” Jin slurs in a grumble as he reaches for another bottle, but scowls when it gets taken out of his grasp. “Give it back, s’mine.”

 Yoongi ignores his friend’s demands as he walks over to his liquor cabinet to put away the bottle, deciding that he wasn’t going to let this continue anymore. He knew why Jin suddenly began getting drunk every day; he was sure nearly everyone in the city knew why since word spread of your little argument on Saturday. If he was being honest with himself, part of him was also angry with his older friend for causing your tears that day. You had become a part of his close knit circle just as much as Jin and the other guys were, so seeing you so broken and having to hear your sobs in the night tore him apart.

 But as much as his anger for Jin grew, so did his guilt for harboring his own dark secret from him. He wanted to confess to Jin, he really did, he just didn’t know how to.

 “What does it matter if I drink so’more! Y/n already hates me so there’s n’point in quitting,” despite the raw bitterness and vehemence in his tone, Jin looked pitiful as he rolled his neck against the couch, looking up at his ceiling.

 The black haired male in front of him scowls as he feels the final strings of his patience snapping and stomps over to his blonde haired friend to grab fistfuls of his t-shirt. “Can you hear yourself? You sound so pathetic! Honestly, you can only blame yourself for how things turned out hyung and you need to realize that so that you can get off your ass. Do something about it!”

 Seokjin lets out a grunt of anger and sloppily smacks Yoongi’s hands off of his shirt, glaring back at his friend as he stumbles up onto his feet to tower over him. “Dun talk to me like that, you brat! ‘Specially when you took her side over mine!”

 “I’m taking her side because you’re the one in the wrong!” Yoongi knew that yelling back wouldn’t solve anything and arguing with a drunken Jin was useless, but he just couldn’t hold back anymore. All the guilt, the anger, and the frustration were boiling over; there was no way he was able to rein it in any longer.

 The drunken male scrunches his face into a grimace of remorse, before it slipped back into a frown as he messily pushes his friend back; refusing to admit to his mistake. “If yer were really my friend, you’d be on m’side no matter what! ‘Sides, I didn’t do shit! She was justa fuck!”

 A loud crack echoes in the room as skin met skin, interrupting Jin before he could say more as he lets out a yelp of pain and falls back on the couch. He lets out a groan of agony as he spits out blood onto his cushion, tainting the cream color with splotches of crimson caused by Yoongi’s fist. But before anything else could happen, Yoongi angrily grabs onto Seokjin’s shirt and drags him back onto his feet; his black eyes narrowed into furious slits.

 “Don’t you dare talk about y/n like that,” he hisses out venomously through his teeth, ignoring the pain pulsing all over his knuckles. “She’s not one of your fucking play things to throw away once you’ve gotten your fucking dick wet.”

 The older boy lets out a growl of anger once his world stopped spinning and without a second thought, he throws his own fist at Yoongi’s cheek. Another crack of skin is heard, followed by a string of curses and the heavy thud of both male’s bodies hitting the wood floor. Despite being drunk, Seokjin was able to hold his own against his friend as they grunted angrily and threw in more punches and elbows; both trying their hardest to render the other immobile. In the end, the older male manages to pin Yoongi underneath him and makes sure to keep a tight grip on his shirt as he plants himself on his stomach, his breath coming out in heavy pants.

 “You fucking dick,” he slurs out in a labored breath as his eyes narrow into a glare, “I can’t believe you fucking punched me! Over a damn girl you didn’t even know existed until I told you about her! Wassit worth it you brat? Hitting me over someone you barely know?!”

 Yoongi swallows down the copper he felt was left on his tongue before answering his older friend, much too incensed to feel any residual fear left in him to speak the truth. “I know her hell of a lot better than you do. In mind and body.”

 Jin pauses, feeling the liquor in his system very slowly begin to fade away as he loosens his hold on Yoongi’s shirt in his confusion, but a cold dread slowly began to wrap around his heart. “What?”

 “Y/n and I had sex, Jin. More than just once. We were friends with benefits for nearly a year now and you know what? She felt fucking amazing every single time.”

 The moment Jin let go of Yoongi’s shirt and he saw the broken expression on his friends face, he knew he fucked up; but just as an apology was on his tongue, Jin’s expression contorts into fury as his fist connects with his cheek again. Yoongi stays silent though, feeling the guilt and anger churn inside him as he lets the older male shake him in rage.

 “What the fuck,” Seokjin’s soft reply is filled with emotion before he tightens his grip on Yoongi’s shirt, feeling his head spin as his voice rises. “What the fuck! You out of everyone fucking knows exactly how I feel and you’re telling me you were fucking her?! This whole damn time?! You fucking piece of shit!”

 All is quiet, save for Jin’s furious, ragged breaths as he waits for his friend’s response, but none comes as Yoongi openly avoids his gaze. The act only makes his blood boil as his fingers latch onto his bruised jaw, relishing in Yoongi’s hiss of pain as he forces him to look at his face.

 “Tell me why,” Jin grits out venomously, feeling himself sober up from just his fury alone, but with the sobriety also came the onslaught of emotions he was running away from and the blonde felt his heart seizing up. He suddenly didn’t want to look at the male beneath him anymore. “You know what, fuck your damn excuse. Get the fuck out of my house!”

 Yoongi didn’t offer an apology – he couldn’t bring himself to say the two words because he knew they wouldn’t matter, not now – and instead pushes Jin off of him to comply with the demand given. Seokjin stumbles onto his feet and begins walking over to his kitchen, but pauses to stare at the younger male, feeling the acid of betrayal scorch every nerve ending until he swore he felt it reach his lungs.

 “I should have let you fucking become homeless.”

 Yoongi pauses at the door, feeling his heart tear open at the statement and the pure hatred that it was delivered in – he suddenly had an epiphany in that moment, of how you didn’t need to be in love to feel heartbreak. He wasn’t sure if his friendship was salvageable, nor if he even deserved to try to salvage it really; so with his guilt constricting his heart and lungs, he silently closes the door behind him.

 With a wince at feeling the air hit his bruised face, he takes out his phone and taps onto one of his contacts he had on speed dial; slowly making his way to his apartment as he places his phone onto his ear. Once he hears the familiar voice from the other line, he lets out a shaky breath and stuffs his free hand into his jean pocket.

 “I fucked up…badly.”

You weren’t sure whether to be happy for the interruption or to be angry with whoever decided to call Namjoon right now. Granted, he didn’t tell you much past him retelling how Seokjin was before senior year – he was in drama and choir of all things! It made your mind spin with all the possible outcomes that lead to Jin turning into the man he is today. How was it conceivable that a drama and choir student transformed into one of the most infamous fuckboy’s in all of the school in under a year?

 And how did your embarrassing old crush fit into all of this?

 “Fuck, are you serious hyung? How did it get so bad?”

 Hearing the younger boy’s distressed tone brought you back to the present as you glance up to see him stand from his chair; half-drunk boba tea forgotten. Seeing his brows furrowed as he rakes a hand through his brown locks brings a sense of dread into your stomach, washing over like the calm before the storm.

 Namjoon stays quiet a few beats, presumably listening to the story the other man was retelling him before speaking worriedly. “Where are you now?”

 Just as you were going to ask the brunette what was happening, the familiar chime of your ringtone catches your attention; it was a ringtone you had specifically assigned to someone and the fact that he was calling you now made you nibble on your lip apprehensively.

 “Hello? Seokjin?”

 You feel Namjoon’s gaze sharply cut into you the moment his name enters the air – it made your hand tremble as you nervously listen to the heavy panting on the other end of the line, waiting for a response.

 “Since when have you and Yoongi been fucking y/n!”

 Your breath lodges itself inside your throat as your blood turns to ice in your veins, your mind wondering on how he could have possibly found that out – Yoongi and you were very discrete when it came to your agreement of helping each other out. It honestly was such a stupid decision that came up when you couldn’t sate the carnal hunger you felt all those months ago; not minding if Yoongi took care of it at the time, anything to just tame the burn. Surprisingly, he caved in very easily and it wasn’t until after the first time that he sheepishly confided that he had been thinking about it – college was kicking his ass and he had needed a stress reliever, but no time to go through the process of picking someone. From then on, your hanging out usually consisted of food, sex and then binge watching shows. Nothing more and nothing less; neither of you were worried about catching feelings.

 But that was neither here nor there, and it took a second for the ice in your veins to quickly melt and get replaced with a fire that rapidly scorched your chest.

 “That’s none of your fucking business, Seokjin,” you hiss into your phone as you try your best to not break the damn thing from the fury you felt. “Who I decide to sleep with is none of your concern, especially when you fuck anything with a vagina and a heartbeat.”

 You ignore the choke you hear beside you, completely forgetting about your coworker in favor for waiting for a response through the other line, but all you get as an answer is the soft slur of a curse being muttered. The fury you felt before doubles and the heat you feel incinerating your chest is almost too much to bear – he was drunk, again, and worse now, you figured out who was talking to Namjoon. The beginnings of a headache began to pound away at your temples and it only fueled your body to move on its own as you grab your bag, before power walking toward Yoongi’s apartment.

 “Ah! N-Noona wait!”

 Ignoring the scuffs of a chair and heavy footsteps, you talk into your phone again and let your anger slash through the line in hopes that it would somehow hurt the drunk man on the other side. “I can’t believe you Kim Seokjin! You’re such a hypocrite and a liar! I swear to you that if you hurt Yoongi because of this, I’ll personally go over your house and return the damage. I don’t even know why you’re so angry about this, ugh!” By the end of your rant, you couldn’t contain the grunt of pure frustration and swung your arm out, narrowly missing Namjoon who had long put away his phone.

 “Of course you don’t,” you hear him scoff out softly, “you would never know why unless I stamped the answer onto your forehead. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother talking to you when you’re just as stupid as you were in high school. Nothing has changed.”

 You stumble over a crack in the cement from the shock and hurt his words dug onto your heart, but you swallow down the hurt and instead let your anger coat your tongue. “I’m surprised you even remember me from high school considering you were always shit faced. Besides, who ever told you that I even wanted you to talk to me? I had been fine and happy until you decided that somehow I needed your poor excuse of a friendship in my life.”

 You hear a loud exhale of air through the receiver, along with the shift of clothes as he presumably moved. “Whatever. Go fuck the rest of my friends for all I care.” With that, you hear nothing as the line goes dead.

 Feeling the warm touch of someone’s hand enclosing around your wrist makes you realize that Namjoon was still beside you and that you had been staring down at the screen of your phone, frozen for too long. You try your best to swallow the growing lump in your throat, along with the tell-tale burn of tears gathering around your eyes and let out a shuddering breath. You should not be letting him make you feel this way, as if you’re the one in the wrong and implying that you were the kind of person to stoop so low as to go around sleeping with a circle of his friends as payback.

 Maybe Jin was right, you were stupid because for the life of you, you couldn’t figure out just why he was so angry about it all and why you even cared.

 “Hey,” Namjoon’s voice is soft and you know that he can tell you were affected before you could compose yourself, “hey noona, look at me. You okay? What happened?”

 You avoid his gaze as you try your best to discretely wipe your eyes and clear your throat, hoping he won’t notice the waver in your voice. “I’m fine, Namjoon-ah. Don’t worry, Seokjin is just…he’s an idiot that doesn’t deserve my time of day.”

 You can tell that he’s not convinced by the slight furrow of his brows as he lets go of your wrist, but you simply put your phone back into your purse before resuming your walk to Yoongi’s apartment. It wasn’t terribly far – 3 blocks at most – so getting there wouldn’t be a huge hassle; especially now that Jin had called you just had to get some answers.

 “Anyway,” you inhale deeply before letting it out and giving Namjoon a glance, “I’m going to check on Yoongi, you coming with?”

 He only nods and lets out a soft “yeah,” silently walking beside you as you guys make your way to Yoongi’s. You know Namjoon has questions about your phone call, but you’re grateful for his silence anyway; besides, he’d hear everything by the time you got to your destination.

 “Here, leave this against your face for 15 minutes.” You hand over the make-shift ice pack you made for Yoongi, using a Ziploc bag and wrapping it in a small hand towel. Your teeth latch onto your bottom lip to nibble on as you hear your friend let out a soft hiss of pain as the compress touches his jaw. There was no way you could deny that Seokjin did a number on him; the bruise was so dark now and stood out so angrily against his pale skin.

 “I can’t believe you guys got into a fist fight…,” Namjoon mumbles out as he gives the male next to him a critical eye, but then that stare turns to you as soon as you take a seat on the coffee table in front of Yoongi.

 He didn’t need to say anything for you to know the question that was burning on his tongue; you simply return his gaze, urging him silently to ask whatever he wanted to. Yoongi remains quiet throughout the drawn out silence, partially due to the pain and mainly to do with the fact that he just felt tired. You knew him long enough to know that this whole fight was tearing him apart from the inside and it made the guilt churn in your stomach uncomfortably. While you held no wrong here for the decisions you made with your friend, there was something about it that made Yoongi feel like this and you were going to find out no matter what.

 “So uh,” Namjoon coughs awkwardly into his long sleeve, averting his gaze between yourself and the black haired male in front of you, “you and Yoongi-hyung have been, uh, y’know…”

 “Fucking?” At his poor attempt to hide his choke, you let a small smile grace your lips as a small chuckle falls out of you before you could stop it.

 “Yeah,” he clears his throat once more before regarding your bruised friend with something akin to disappointment, “and I’m guessing you let that slip past Jin-hyung and that’s how the fight started?”

 Yoongi lets out a sigh and simply nods his head, finally meeting Namjoon’s eyes; the guilt was easily palpable in his gaze. “I couldn’t hide it anymore and I guess with everything that he said it just…it got me angry so I told him because I wanted to hurt him.”

 “Okay, that’s where I’m confused and a little angry,” you quickly interject before the tall male diagonally across from you could say more. Your tone and pursed lips said it all and with their shared look of guilt, it only fueled the irritation pricking your skin. “Yoongi and I did nothing wrong and quite frankly, it was no one’s business, lest of all Jin’s, on what we were doing. So I don’t understand why you’re making it seem as if Yoongi hurt Jin.”

 The silence stretches on as you wait for either male to answer your question, letting the air become stifling as both avoid your gaze. Just as you were about to cry out in frustration for them to tell you something, Yoongi finally speaks.

 “Because Seokjin-hyung likes you y/n.”

 The room becomes quiet yet again as you listen to his words before a laugh escapes your mouth in disbelief; surely he was joking right? There was that the notorious playboy liked you of all people. Your heart and mind just wouldn’t let you believe something that could easily shatter you if it turned out to be a lie, but you choke on your laughter as you see their grim faces.

 “You…this is a joke right?”

 You look over to Namjoon as he shakes his head and picks at his nails, not able to look you in the eyes. “This is what I was trying to tell you earlier. Jin-hyung has liked you since high school, since before he became the asshole he is now.”

 “But you had never really paid him much attention,” Yoongi continues as your brain slowly short circuits, giving you a rueful smile at your blank stare, “and he would always get so jealous whenever you’d gush about Jaebeom. He’d bitch all the time about how he was a jerk and he never knew why you would fawn over someone like that, but not give him the time of day.”

 At this, your younger coworker heaves a sigh and rolls his eyes, leaning back into the couch to give Yoongi an exasperated stare, presumably remembering the past. “Remember that time when he went on nearly an hour rant about how Jaebeom’s hairstyle made him look like a douche?”

 “Don’t remind me,” the black haired male grumbles, absentmindedly rubbing at his bruised, cold jaw before removing the ice pack altogether, “I can almost hear his bitching all over again.”

 “Wait, hold on,” you finally find your voice as your brow knits in irritation, gaining the gazes of the two men before you, “are you seriously trying to tell me that it’s my fault Jin turned out to be a fuckboy? Just because I liked someone else that wasn’t him?”

 The simmering anger was clear as day on your face and it made Namjoon wince, because honestly, you had the right to take offense to what they just told you. By no means were you at fault for the actions Jin took, those were all his mistakes alone.

 “We’re not blaming you, moron,” Yoongi grumbles as he pokes your cheek and leans in closer to you, eyes serious. “Jin’s an idiot and got so jealous that once Jaebeom graduated, he came up with the stupid idea of becoming just like him. He figured that if he turned into the guy you liked, you’d finally pay attention to him.”

 Your tongue feels like sandpaper in your mouth and you try in vain to comprehend just what the hell Seokjin was thinking back then. The idea itself was ludicrous and judging by both male’s stares, they knew it too; but there was a lingering, unwanted ache in your chest. You knew it wasn’t your fault that Seokjin turned out this way, letting his envy transform him into something he wasn’t, but just the thought of a young, dorky Jin turning into a fuckboy just to gain your attention…it made your heart twinge. Were you wrong for feeling sympathetic?

 “Hey,” your friend nudges you after your pregnant silence, letting his hand squeeze your knee to gain your attention, “you feeling alright? Or did the hamster in your head fall off the wheel?”

 It took you a moment to catch his playful taunt, but after a few seconds you’re quick to smack his arm with a poorly disguised laugh. You knew he was only teasing you to release some of the tension in the room and your small smile let him know you appreciated it. Honestly, it was a lot to process and at this point in time, it left you wondering what your next course of action should be.

 “My hamster is up and running, thank you,” your tone is dry, but as the seconds tick by, you’re dragged back into your thoughts.

 Namjoon interrupts you before you could get very far though. “So…what are you gonna do?”

 “I don’t know,” you reply in a mixture of a sigh as you rub your eyes in frustration. “I honestly don’t want to do anything. I appreciate you guys telling me this, but I would rather have Jin himself tell me all this.”

 Yoongi shrugs and leans back on his couch, crossing his arms loosely as he side eyes you. “As much as I agree with you Y/N, Jin-hyung is honestly too much of a little bitch to ever fess up.”

 Both Namjoon and you hide laughs, letting out a strangled noise as you give each other a smile. You shouldn’t have found your friend’s words amusing, but honestly, he knew Jin better than you did and the tall male across from you couldn’t find the words to protest them either. Plus, despite the new information, you were still very much upset with the male in question.

 “In all seriousness though…,” Namjoon starts off slow, almost as if hesitant to bring out your anger, “I know Jin-hyung hurt you, but I would recommend talking to him if he doesn’t speak up first.” At your grunt of dissatisfaction, the male is quick to continue in a stutter. “N-Not saying you have to, but just that I know how he is and even though he makes himself to be obnoxiously confident, he’s really bad at expressing himself.”

 The room turns silent again, but only for a few seconds before you let out a combination of a sigh and a whine. “Whatever, I’ll think about it okay? But can we please not talk about this anymore and just order some take-out? I kinda haven’t eaten since the morning and I’m starving.”

 Your coworkers give each other a glance, but ultimately seem to come to a silent agreement to let the conversation of Seokjin go. You knew that sooner or later you would have to confront Kim Seokjin and get answers for everything he’s done, but for today, your heart was still raw from the hurtful words he threw at you. And with the glances the males gave you as the night progressed, they also knew that you were pushing back your tears and putting on a brave face of laughter and teasing.

 So for tonight, you would let yourself enjoy the company of Yoongi and your new blossoming friendship with Namjoon; ignoring the dull throb in your heart as you did so. Then when you were alone in the comfort of your room later, you would let yourself drown in your emotions to figure out just what the hell you discovered today. Because with the small snippet of Jin’s back story, it began to slowly change your opinion of who you thought he was. There was so much more to Jin that you had yet to learn and you stupidly wanted him to teach you; just not right this instant.

 Right now, you just wanted to stuff your face with pizza and worry about everything else later.

[ladygiselasencen]

@zoyyanazyalensky @fire-sapphics 1353 words

and as always don’t rb or spoil until i post it please-

Sammie couldn’t believe what had just happened. Had she really just kissed Gina Weathers? How could she do that, when she didn’t know where her own heart lied? Didn’t know who had the key, and how to find them?

She hadn’t planned, it had just happened, and while she didn’t regret it, she wished it hadn’t happened. Her heart was confused, which made her stomach do flips and her head pound. It was unbearable, the way the mental confusion affected her physically, so that as her heart hurt, her body ached too.

Why, why, why had she done that? She liked Gina, sure, but she liked Logan too. And Gina’s adamant stance against Logan only added to Sammie’s confusion. What was up with that? Logan seemed genuinely nice, but so did Gina. What was the history? She needed to know before her stomach got any worse. She already felt like she might vomit.

hey just curious what’s up with you and Gina? we were talking and she acted super weird when i mentioned that you and i talk in english class

She sat down on her bed, looking up at the barren ceiling. If only she knew which box she’d packed her fairy lights and garlands in, she could start decorating her room. Then again, if her clothes were barely unpacked, what was the point in embellishing it?

She felt her phone vibrate in her lap, and she picked it up to see what Logan had said.

it’s complicated

how so? Sammie shot back.

it’s a lot. better if we call

okay you call me

Sammie’s phone rang a moment later, the caller id showing the picture she’d taken during English earlier that week. She accepted the call, and put the phone up to her ear. “Hey, what’s up?”

“Hey girl,” Logan said, her voice muffled through the phone. “Shut up, I’m on the phone!”

“Is your brother being annoying?”

“He’s never not. Okay, so you want the tea on me and Gina, right?”

“Yeah, if you don’t mind telling me,” Sammie said, checking the time. 4:37, meaning her mom wouldn’t be home for a while. Sammie wouldn’t be interrupted if she started wandering the house as one does when they’re on the phone.

“Okay, so you know how middle school sucks? That’s when this happened. It was like, fall of seventh grade and I invited Gina over for a sleepover. We were like, best friends when we were little. My mom has some pictures of me and Gina when we were little, and they’re pretty cute. But anyways, seventh grade. She’s at my house and we’re talking about crushes, and I say I have a crush on Benji, and she gets all mad and says he’s hers.”

“Huh. Okay, keep going.”

“Yeah, so I drop it, and I assume she’s gonna let it go, but she gets pissed, like really pissed. So on Monday she starts spreading rumours that I wet the bed at our sleepover, and I’m gross and I bully her and force her to be my friend. So I just stop talking to her, plain and simple. Then she got all mad and now she hates me. Worked out fine for me, because Benji and I have been dating since right after eighth grade.”

Sammie didn’t know what to say. She’d meandered from her bedroom to the kitchen and was now sitting on the kitchen counter, unsure of what to say. Gina had done that? Were they talking about the same Gina?

“What?” she said. The confusion she’d hoped to abolish through this phone call had only grown.

“Weird, right? Bet she makes it out to be all my fault.”

“Actually,” Sammie said as she slid a bagel into the toaster, “she always avoids talking about it. It’s kinda weird, but I didn’t wanna ask anyone else in the group ‘cause that seemed… weird.”

“Well, it was just between me and her, but she dragged everyone else into it.” Sammie could hear the annoyance and hurt in Logan’s voice. She was trying to hide it, Sammie could tell, but she wasn’t doing a very good job.

“You guys used to be close, right?” Sammie asked, grabbing a jar of jam from the fridge.

“Yeah, we were besties all through elementary school, and all of sixth grade. That’s why this was so weird, because she’d never done anything like that before.”

“Really? That doesn’t seem like Gina at all.” The longer she and Logan talked, the more confused Sammie became. She finished spreading jam on her bagel and took a bite before adding, “She made it seem like you guys had only been classmates, never friends. Like, you were always in the same class but you never hung out.”

“Really.” It wasn’t a question, but Sammie could tell Logan wanted to ask something.

“It always felt weird though. She was avoiding the conversation,” Sammie continued. “I dunno. Felt like she was trying to hide something more.”

“Sounds just like her,” Logan replied, the disdain in her voice leaking through the phone. “Always was one to bury her secrets.”

“What’s that mean?” she asked as she took another bite of her bagel.

“She hasn’t told you? Her mom died right before we started highschool. It was a shock too, a car accident. So my family went to the funeral, because there was a huge turnout and more than half the school was there. And like, I get it, if my mom died I’d be distraught too, but when she saw me she tried to punch me, and I had to leave. It was kinda fucked up.”

Sammie stopped chewing. There were a thousand questions in her head, but she couldn’t put words to any of them. They rattled around in her brain for what felt like a year, but was truly only a few seconds. Finally, she was able to ask, “Why?”

“Dunno.” Sammie could hear Logan’s shrug through the phone. “She just saw me and got mad. On the one hand, she wasn’t thinking clearly, because who would be after their mom died, but on the other hand, it seemed uncalled for.”

“Yeah,” she agreed. “But like, you didn’t provoke her? Say anything rude?”

“I’m hurt,” Logan said, sarcastically. “But no, I hadn’t even said ‘sorry for your loss’ before she looked at me and got pissed and tried to punch me. To be honest, I’m still not sure why.”

“That’s… weird.”

“Not who you thought she was, huh?” Logan seemed almost smug. “Makes you think twice. Don’t worry though, you can still hang out with her because I, unlike some people, don’t try to police who my friends hang out with. I might not like it, but I don’t try to dictate friendships.”

“I honestly don’t know what to say,” Sammie admitted after a moment.

“Look, dinner’s almost ready, so I gotta go in just a minute, but let me tell you one thing. There’s more to Gina Weathers than you thought. You can stay friends with her, because we’ve all made mistakes, and you shouldn’t get mad because of things she did to other people. Just…” Logan sighed. “Take everything she says about me with a grain of salt, okay?”

Sammie nodded before realising Logan couldn’t see her. “Yeah, I can do that. Thanks, Logan. Are we still on for next Saturday?”

“Yeah, and Ellison might stop over if you’re cool with that.”

“Not totally sure who that is, but yeah, I’m cool with that.”

“Awesome, see you tomorrow! Bye!” And with that, Logan hung up the phone.

Sammie sat in silence on the kitchen counter, the remaining third of her bagel getting cold. What more could she say, could she do? After kissing Gina and her conversation with Logan, she wasn’t sure how she could face Gina on Monday.

Even after moving five times and attending five different schools, Sammie could safely say she’d never been drawn into the drama so quickly. It had only been a week, but she could tell that her last two years of highschool would be the most noteworthy of all.

[nyrator]

merry christmas

random anxiety-depressionly rambles included

not sure what to say but yeah

just very anxious lately

local friends had a gift exchange on the 22nd/23rd which was nice, got a Nichijou manga and an Isabelle head plush

most mail gifts have been in delivery limbo unfortunately- neither of the gifts I got for Kresna arrived, nor did his gift for me (though he did also order me a weighted blanket / tidying manga / stronger vitamin d which was nice and arrived before christmas), most haven’t updated their status since two weeks ago, we’ll see if things speed up now that Christmas is over

bought myself that “My Boy” manga, Lily Chou-Chou blu ray, some personal things that honestly kind of impress me compared to others of their kind, and a water filter pitcher thing since I drink so much tap water, I figured I’d try one. Probably other things I’m forgetting as well, also some steam games like EDF 4.1. Bought the cats a new easier-to-clean litter box, but it got sent back and resent, or something, so still hasn’t arrived. Been wanting to buy a new computer desk, but can’t find one I like for sale, though I’ve seen a few images of the desk I’m looking for online a few times, so I know something like it exists (basically a hutch with shelves on both sides and along the top). Maybe an L desk would be nice, debating getting one with a keyboard tray attached or to try out one of those fancier new keyboard trays that clamp on

spoke briefly with my old coworker about things, sounds like she decorated a few houses this year, might want my help talking the decorations down in January (it’s $50 an hour and it’s something to do), we’ll see

didn’t spend time with the family- my uncle helped one of his tenants to the hospital, and after arriving at the hospital, they found out this tenant has covid, so now my uncle’s in quarantine just in case, so just spent the time at home.

otherwise just played EDF 4.1 with online friends/Kresna for the holidays, along with some Rollercoaster Tycoon 2 and some L4D2 (we also had a movie night tonight, between Die Hard and Kung Pow Enter the Fist, the latter won. To be fair I already seen Die Hard and did not see Kung Pow, was entertaining)

decided to let my cats back into my room as well for christmas as a gift to them, they’ve been good and my allergies haven’t been awful so that’s good

haven’t really done much else in my time to myself, mostly just distracting myself with groups of people

got my sleep schedule fixed when I went to the dentist on Monday, but it fell apart in time for christmas once the depression hit full force, back to staying up until 5am and sleeping until 4pm

haven’t showered in a while and feel disgusting, the floors are also disgusting in my apartment from one of the cats throwing up a lot and me slacking on cleaning it. Can’t remember last time I did laundry. Room’s cleaned up, but feel no relief from it, just seeing it already start to fall apart again bit by bit

I haven’t even attempted to even try to think of anything creative. There’s only painful anxiety awaiting me if I even attempt to, so I just don’t bother to try.

still debating posting my 2020 dream diary, too self conscious about how embarrassing my dreams are, not sure what to do about it

My life is essentially sleep 10+ hours, feel like having a mental breakdown until I get up, breakfast around 3pm-4pm, internet, back to bed once the mental breakdown feelings hit full force, lunch around 7pm-8pm, turn head off and hang out in a voice chat with internet friends and play some games, make dinner around 11pm-1am, end the call around 3AM, and then just play picross or something to avoid being in my own thoughts until I feel too depressed to even stay awake any longer

not gonna lie, definitely one of the weaker christmases in recent memory. Maybe the worst if not for casual hangouts with friends. Just a completely normal day, I guess, which lately, haven’t been great at all.

I don’t know how I’ll ever escape this depression, I don’t feel like I’m living at all and am barely functional, it’s like I can’t think for myself at all anymore, or maybe I just don’t want to think at all anymore. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

[cosmosogler]

i’m gonna start a half hour early because i ain’t got nothing better to do. if i got out my homework... i’d only be working on it for 25 minutes anyway. that’s barely enough time to even get back on the same page as the assignment, mentally.

i felt super sluggish today... i still didn’t even clean the apartment. i took out the trash at least. and found two places where snoopy pooped last night and cleaned those up over the course of the day, as the smell continued to not disappear.

even waking up was kind of awful. i didn’t get out of bed until 8:20. i showered... slowly... and then figured i’d be over to campus around 10 and get some homework and grading knocked out. 

ha ha ha.

i dunno. i didn’t even eat breakfast. i just didn’t want to do anything. it’s so much work to do things. doing nothing is... automatic, i guess, at this point. 

i don’t want to say it’s easy, because panic attacks and avoidance aren’t really particularly easy, but. it’s easier. less risky. i don’t like to gamble.

so i got over to campus around 2 instead, without packing a main course for lunch/dinner because i just couldn’t seem to get the jam out of the fridge when i looked at it.

as i biked and didn’t perk up i realized i wasn’t going to get much done today... i brought my desk lamp over to campus at least and got it assembled. then i worked for three hours but somehow managed to only finish one classical problem and finished ONE SINGLE PAGE OF GRADING FOR ONE SINGLE SECTION. it is a 10-page lab. i am two pages in. i have 9 full labs to grade before friday.

luis eventually told me i wouldn’t get fired if i didn’t have the grades done on time and to focus on homework. but i couldn’t. no matter how many times i looked at the question it wasn’t making any sense at all and i couldn’t figure out where to start. i guess i just figured any explanation from suzanne wasn’t going to help with that. it may have been a bad assumption. but i just couldn’t get the wick lit on this homework candle and i didn’t want to stumble through some baby steps in front of all my friends.

eventually i took a break to complain on tumblr. then i started feeling REALLY bad. i waffled about whether or not to go home for about 30 minutes and then i packed up my stuff in the hopes i’d do something at home and got on my bike and found myself out on the road. the past few minutes dropped away and i felt really disoriented and my brain was like “oh. i guess this is what i am doing now.” 

when i got home i wasted a little more time and then i sucked it up and called the crisis center. “hypothetically speaking, how would a crisis call go?” i asked the person who picked up. she said we’d see how i was doing and take it from there. 

i noticed she only rephrased stuff i said back at me. noticing it irritated me but i decided to try to make use of it. hearing how i sounded like i was feeling back at me helped me kind of settle down, sort of, not really. she had to put down the phone a lot to answer other people. i scrolled through my emails miserably and waited. when she picked up again i asked how she was doing. i wavered between crying and not crying. 

when i said i should probably make some dinner she said “i’ll always be here for you.” 

i said “ehh, someone will.” 

maybe some other people find that comforting. i know she won’t actually always be there, because people have careers and i am one of dozens who have called her. she asked for my number so hopefully she won’t call me during class tomorrow. if i miss a call that might be worrying for the mental health place.

she didn’t tell me what her name was. probably should have asked. didn’t think of it. that probably happens a lot. random people call and talk about their problems and then hang up and she just tells them what they just said to her.

i guess i felt like i was wasting her time because, like, i don’t panic the same way as most people? so she took other calls. i really was feeling very bad. i just couldn’t, i guess, make myself seem as bad as i felt. as i feel. i don’t know.

maybe they were overloaded?

i don’t think there is anything someone could really say to me that would make me feel better. i guess i just need to know it’ll be ok. but there isn’t really a way to know and anyone who tells me that exact phrase sounds condescending to me.

i ended up not baking any muffins again. i feel like that should have been a commitment for me. but i just couldn’t seem to get them out of the pantry. i put them in front of my snacks so i don’t forget i have the mixes, but... ehhh. 

maybe someone else can make it ok for me?

because i am having so much trouble getting up to keep going this weekend. this past week. since last friday. work is such a slog that i can only seem to grade eight pages of my labs in 45 minutes. as in, one page of 8 labs. as in, eight pages total. as in, there are 18 students in that class and 10 pages in the lab and 3 sections of the class. and then six more of those.

let alone actual schoolwork, which is actually hard and can’t be done on autopilot. i was having so much trouble understanding the questions on the labs today though that it was just, really slow going. like “how does the velocity change on your graph?” didn’t make any sense to me for several minutes straight, EVERY TIME I SAW THE QUESTION, WHICH WAS EIGHT TIMES.

i asked to have e&m off on monday so i can sit and work without being interrupted tomorrow. but we really do have another test on friday. i can’t... 

i have to keep hoping i’ll feel better tomorrow. i never do actually feel better, these last nine times, but maybe a tenth time... and in the meantime, everything in my life piles up until even when i feel better i have to work so hard to catch up that i exhaust myself and feel bad again. gotta keep pushing that boulder up the hill. 

i took an online quiz that i found on facebook while i was in the 10 minutes between work sessions this afternoon. it was like one of those “which career is best for you???” tests. 

i got engineer. “sharply intelligent and endlessly determined, you work best against impossible challenges.” 

it was pretty similar to what the person who’d posted the quiz got, and she did not get the engineer result. horoscopes can be encouraging i guess. it felt like static in my head.

i don’t FEEL determined. i don’t FEEL hopeful or capable or creative.

i mean i usually don’t feel anything but “kind of bad i guess” or even sometimes “oh god why” on special occasions so i might not be the best source for what those things feel like. i barely even register real, physical sensations and you want me to figure out mental ones? 

(this is a ding-dong journal.)

i think i might not be getting enough sleep. i keep seeing stuff that isn’t there. i feel strongly that there is someone standing behind me when i am alone in my apartment and i see the barest hint of a figure in my peripherals. it only lasts a second but it kinda freaks me out. in the reflection on my mouse’s track ball i saw something moving and thought it was a hand but it was actually my fan spinning around.

maybe my hair is getting too long? the curls fall in my face pretty easy. i want to cut it, but i never like how it looks until it gets a little scruffy again.

i want to say more but i can’t really figure out how to say it. i can’t imagine feeling better, or what my life would look like if i did feel better. i can’t imagine feeling better even if someone waved a magic wand and did fix everything. i can’t imagine things going the way they are for too much longer. i can’t imagine anything in my future. i want to work in a lab... with a team... but i don’t know what that looks like or how to get there or even what direction to go in to make that happen.

i know i’m broken but i can’t figure out how to fix it. i know i didn’t learn a bunch of lessons i needed to as a kid, and i learned a bunch of not helpful lessons, but i can’t figure out how to learn these new ones or put in the work needed to make them real.

i feel... unfinished. i know we all die unfinished and in the middle of everything and whatever but i feel like i didn’t start with all the tools that most people get. so many people my age talk about sexual relationships. i don’t want that. so i’m missing that.

my heart wasn’t finished when i was born. so i was missing that. for ten years.

my hormones don’t work. like, at all, any more, though they were shaky to begin with. so i am missing that.

i don’t have any strength or stamina even when i get enough exercise. i am missing that. my bad heart made everything grow not as good as a kid. i’m missing a couple inches too.

i’m not strong. i wish i was stronger, because i have to be strong to succeed, in grad school, in not letting people push me around, but i can’t be. i didn’t get to grow up that way. i didn’t get to make any roots so my branches could get big.

so i’m missing that too.

with all that i’m like half a person. i don’t even have feelings right. never did, honestly. always had anger issues.

now i ain’t got a gallbladder either. or wisdom teeth, but that’s kind of normal.

i feel like i don’t have the ability to gain anything. i guess it comes down to that. life got harder around me and i didn’t get better at dealing with it. so when i looked like i was so far ahead of everyone else in kindergarten i just actually was born at my max level for intelligence and strength and social ability and whatever. so while other people were climbing their ladders i was just at the top of my very, very short ladder. my footstool. 

maybe that’s why i can’t get better, from my depression. i’m already at my best. this is as good as i’m gonna get! must be rough for other people to watch. or satisfying, maybe. the kid who was always ahead the first six years gets left behind. 

(i wasn’t even ahead the first six years, i had serious emotional problems, ha. and a staunch refusal to acknowledge that i had a body i had to take care of.)

so maybe that’s it. i don’t know how to not be in pain. i don’t know if that’s something you can even learn. i don’t know how to not feel muddled and confused. because when things get clear, it usually means i only think i understand, and don’t actually, and then i make a huge mistake. unacceptable mistakes. unforgivable mistakes.

good thing time, i guess. it’s 10:30. so i’ve been writing for an hour actually. glad i started early so i could start writing, get distracted for 15 minutes, and then come back and stare at the last sentence i had written for another 10 minutes, and then try to start again.

did you like that mental breakdown i had yesterday? that was interesting. and by interesting i mean not boring. i said a bunch of stuff i actually meant. i guess i had to have a little honesty in order to cancel out all the sarcasm harrison and jennica think i am doing during the day. 

i am worried. about people seeing what i think. about, like, religion. i don’t like talking about how confused and guilty i feel about that. i mean i joke about christians and can be kind of mean about it which is not always warranted. but i do feel like i’m not a real buddhist and i’m not allowed to be because... i dunno. i’d be taking something that isn’t mine or something. i’m not a stealer.

but then i remembered that like one person reads these and i felt a little better. hi, dude!!!!!!!

i am not sure how to close out this post. i wish i had someone i could actually talk to about this stuff. maybe someone who knew what to do. i feel trapped. locked in. and it’s my fault for being here because why didn’t i just learn how to pick the lock, dumbass? 

i can’t make anyone do anything. i accept that. though i wish i could make my parents stop hurting me and my siblings. the way to do that would be to hide, i guess. but i can’t even do that.

but i do wish i could make myself do things. i wish i didn’t feel so sleepy in 90% of my too-stressful situations. i wish i didn’t dissociate and do things automatically, or not at all. i can’t control anything outside of me at all. but i should be able to control myself. except i can’t. i never could control myself well enough. 

i know that’s not why i got hit as a kid but it sure feels like that’s what got me in trouble all the time once i was not a small, easily-hittable child. i got hit because mom was angry and incapable of handling children. but i didn’t have any ability to change that. the only thing i can do is change myself.

and i can’t even do that!!!!!!!

ok anyway it’s my stop time. something positive........ i........... check in on other people when i’m feeling bad? i guess? is that something positive or is that bad? is it up to me? i don’t think i can make a decision about whether it’s good or bad if it is up to me.

i’m gonna stick to my schedule and go to bed. over an hour earlier than last night... so at least (”at least”) i’ll kinda be back on track schedule wise. i will try to heat up some soup and use my thermos for lunch tomorrow. i got no-chicken noodle and that always makes me feel better.

[shhhselah]

Prayer Requests Update

Monday, January 21, 2019

7:43pm

I really want you all to take in these pictures, okay? 

What comes to mind? Awe? A desire to travel? Peace? Wonder?

I’ll tell you what comes to mine: God.

Only God could paint something so breathtakingly, chest crushingly astounding.

So, as I write, I desperately need you all to remember these pictures and the Artist behind them. (And sorry, I don’t know the photographer! Just the Creator <3)

A couple of days ago, I put up a post on Facebook for prayer requests. I was super excited to be able to come to the King and war on behalf of my family, friends and even strangers for whatever they were seeking. Honestly, as the answers came in, I was amazed. Amazed that nearly every person was asking for the same three things- Discipline, Clarity and Mental Health.

On the surface, those first two seem like a beautiful thing while the last one seems devastating. “How lovely that the people want to be more dutiful in their walk with the Lord! Amazing that they want His clarity and guidance! Ugh, but how tragic that mental health issues and that dag on stress and anxiety are running rampant. The devil really is at work these days smh.” I can hear the church folk now. 

But in all actuality, all three of these requests are heartbreaking and a cause for righteous fury against the enemy. And it is on this post- where I am positive that more people than the ones who asked for prayer need this- that I will break it all down. First, is Discipline.

Discipline

All 2018, I thought that I had avoided the “Hustle & Grind” movement, where you bust your butt tirelessly to get where you want in life. I had a plan: Ask God and wait for the answer. Period. Lol. Buuuuuuuttttt, that didn’t really work. And what He showed me on today was that, while in the natural I wasn’t busting my butt, in the spiritual, I absolutely was. I was carrying my salvation on my back and legitimately being my own task master. I would constantly berate myself, just infuriated and disappointed with my slow progress or lack of progress. 

It seemed like for as much as I grew, I really wasn’t going anywhere. The bar always got pushed back and the expectations always piled on. It seemed like I could just never catch up or do/be enough. I was always lacking, always inadequate. In my eyes, I was never bold enough, holy enough, talented enough, disciplined enough, grateful enough, patient enough, confident enough, beautiful enough, wise enough, anointed enough, educated enough and the list goes freaking on. I spent all year riding myself into a better Kelah, reminding God what He said and showed me about myself and how in comparison, the present me was horrifically lacking. So I would tap my foot and my imaginary watch to remind God that we needed to pick up the pace if I was ever gonna be and do, what He made me to be and do.

That folks, was the devil.

Yep. Simple and clean. Let’s think about this. Why would anyone be asking for discipline? Because their current modus operandi isn’t up to their liking. They’ve taken inventory and felt that something isn’t working or adding up. Like me, I constantly felt like I was lacking, so I deduced that I needed to do more and be more. But why? Why did I feel that way? Because I felt inadequate, so it made me frustrated, resentful, bitter, guilty, ashamed and insecure. Let me make this clear, guys: Those feelings are not of God. They are of the devil. God would never make us or encourage us to feel this way. God is not the God of, “You should be ashamed of yourself.” He killed shame on the Cross.

So, if you’ve felt any of those things in your walk with God or in your pursuit of a better you, that feeling is satanic and not healthy, not heavenly and not conducive. 

The Lord told me this about Discipline, that this is His is the Lord’s word for those working on their relationship with Him: In this year, I am going to be the reason and power, the motivation and movement behind your discipline. I will be the force driving your actions. No longer will you feel the need to rely solely on your own will power and strength. I am going to reveal Myself to you, show you who I am and teach you through experience and time, the joy of My company. I will be your Best Friend. I will be your Teacher and Guide. I will be your Mentor. I will keep you and love you like a Parent. I will hold you down and stand by you like a Ride or Die. I will lavish you and treat you like a significant other. I will chill out and vibe with you like a sibling or roommate. I will be near to you always. I will be available to you always. And from the sheer knowledge of who I am and the taste of the times we share together, will a greater desire to be in My company arise. 

1 John 4:19 says “We love because He first loved us.” Without Me, you cannot  love Me or anything else. So what makes you think that apart from Me, you can do anything else? John 15:5 says “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in Me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from Me you can do nothing.” Apart from Me, you can do nothing. Apart from Me, you don’t have the ability to produce the sort of discipline I’ve built in you. Separate from Me, you cannot produce the gifts and skills I’ve placed inside of you. Without Me, you can’t operate at the level that I desire of you. Outside of Me, you cannot be pleasing to Me. So use Me. I’m here. Everything you need, I have and will supply. All the desire to love Me, I’ll give it. The ability and attention span to study My Word and stay awake in church- I have it. The interest in learning about Me- I’ll pour it out. Just come to Me and ask. And I’ll take you on the ride of a lifetime- but you must do it with Me. Amen.

I learned this the hard way. I got so exhausted with my efforts, I legitimately became infuriated with God and stopped talking to Him. I stopped watching sermons, stopped reading the Bible, stopped praying, stopped thanking Him when I woke up, just went on with my day, purposefully giving Him my shoulder. Upset that I was upset with Him, but upset nonetheless. For weeks it steadily declined to that point. What was really crazy though, was that He never intended for me- or any of us- to get to that point! He never asked us to try to be star students for Him. He never wanted us to carry our salvation on our backs and try to live godly lives going off of our own strength and understanding of what He wants and how we should act and what we should do. 

This is the season of God ending your reign as god over your life and allowing you to witness the ease of grace when He is properly given the position. No more of your expectations, your rules, your righteousness, your efforts, your understanding/interpretations, your legalism, your religiousness, your motivations, your strengths, your desires, and your logic and timing. This time around, we’re doing it His way. No more trying to assert and insert yourself. Just let God be God and do the work. 

Hebrews 4:1-11 talks about entering the rest of God. Our journey with Him is into rest. But if you’re isolated and feel like you’re not doing enough or that you aren’t enough and the feelings behind it are anxiety, stress, insecurity, inadequacy, guilt, shame, etc, then you’re probably being lied to by the devil so that he can keep you running rampant until you fall out physically and fall out with God.

Proverbs 23:4-5 says, “Do not overwork to be rich; because of your own understanding, cease! Will you set your eyes on that which is not? For riches certainly make themselves wings; They fly away like an eagle toward heaven.” I love that the New King James Version says “Do not overwork.” I love this verse (which I legit just came upon after getting to the bottom of this post) because it reminds us how how fleeting and fleeing our destinations and goals are. We seek riches but they steadily elude us, just like the expectations and standards the devil tries to tauntingly encourage us to attain. But again, we cannot do it on our own. Philippians 4:19 tells us that “My God shall supply all your needs according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus.

Three of God’s titles are Rabboni (Teacher), Addonai (Master) and Shepherd. So, as our Teacher, Master and Shepherd, please understand that He knows exactly where we’re going, when we need to get there, and how we are going to get there. Sheep aren’t meant to lead themselves. Students aren’t meant to teach themselves. And servants aren’t meant to run themselves. There is an ease in letting Him have the reigns. 

In saying that, Imma let you in on a little secret. Isaiah 14:12-14, Ezekiel 28:14-18 and Luke 10:18 talk about the fall of Satan. What’s interesting, is that Isaiah 14:13-14 and Ezekiel 28:17 give the reason he was cast into hell and exiled from the Kingdom of God. Wanna know? Cause it’s super important, and you should remember it for the rest of your life: Satan focused on self. He exalted self. Period.

Look: Isaiah 14:13-14

“You said in your heart,    ‘I will ascend to heaven; above the stars of God    I will set my throne on high; I will sit on the mount of assembly    in the far reaches of the north; 14 I will ascend above the heights of the clouds;    I will make myself like the Most High.’”

Ezekiel 28:17

“Your heart was proud because of your beauty;    you corrupted your wisdom for the sake of your splendor.”

Satan thought he was the bee’s knees and found out that he wasn’t. Satan thought he was better than God and more glorious than God and more wise and powerful and discerning than God, and should therefore reign above God- reign over God. And do you know what happened to him? I encourage you to click on that link and read it for yourself, but the short answer is: Jesus watched Him fall from heaven like lightning. He failed. Do you know why he failed? Because he wasn’t good enough. He wasn’t strong enough. He wasn’t holy enough. He wasn’t smart enough. He wasn’t disciplined enough. He wasn’t good enough.

And ya know what? 

Neither are we. Period.

Ladies and gentlemen, we do not have it in us to be godly enough to serve God properly. Satan wants you to focus on your abilities/lack thereof, your intelligence or lack thereof, your wisdom and holiness and creativity and skills and strength and everything else/the lack thereof with all of it. He wants you to be so consumed with what you do and don’t have/what you are and aren’t, that you never have the time, energy or reason to pay attention to the God who is every single thing you need. Our job down here, is not to get caught up and doped up on self. Satan’s greatest downfall was getting too hopped up on himself, so it’s his greatest weapon against us. 

A conversation I just had with a few friends after discussing their prayer requests led me to a realization of the attack the enemy has planned against the body of Christ- Isolation. It is one of the greatest attacks using self. When you are isolated, you only think about yourself. It drives you away from the body of Christ, from friends, from family, from coworkers and mentors, from church and Bible Study. In all these attacks, confusion and problems that my friends and acquaintances have been facing, they always confess that they felt so alone in the struggle! Only to find out that the people around them were going through the exact same thing. If the enemy can make us think life is only about us, then we will be more willing to entertain our struggles, and less willing to fight our battles and issues. Because the damage only falls on us, and that’s less responsibility than if it affected several others or moreover, thousands of others. But we are a body, people! 

1 Corinthians 12:25-27, “So that there should be no division in the body, but that its members should have mutual concern for one another. 26 If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it. 27 Now you are the body of Christ, and each of you is a member of it.”

If one part suffers, every part suffers. So as each of us are getting individually attacked, so is the whole body. If your big toe is sprained, it makes walking hard because now you’re trying to take pressure off of it and you’re walking on the side of your foot, which is creating unequal distribution of weight and now your foot, legs, hips and back hurt because everything it out of whack. It’s like Captain America Civil War (lol). In order to disarm the Avengers, the villain knew that he had to break them apart by making them come into such vehement disagreement, that instead of being one solid unit, they broke into individual parts. And one by one, a group is always easier to pick off rather than if they were ganged up together. It’s easier to break individual plans of wood, it’s harder to take down a wall.

So the enemy wants us isolated, separated and focused entirely on self, where he can pick us off one by one. He wants us so focused on our problems- thinking nobody understands and that nothing more than our joy and finances are at risk- that we draw away from community and continue to secretly entertain things that God told us to put down and shake off. News flash for us though: We’re all getting attacked and this is a divisive scheme of the enemy to keep us from coming together and recognizing that we need each other. You are not alone. Others are suffering through the same things, but there are revelations, wisdom, prophecies, life lessons, Scriptures, teachings, encouragements, advice, prayers, etc that others have that you will never get if you don’t come out of the bubble of self and join the rest of the body. The enemy knows it’s much more potent to attack multiple people individually, rather than just attack a single individual multiple times. It’s better to hit them hard all at once over and over again, than to only drill one area. We need each other, but more importantly, we need God.  Satan found out that without God, he’s nothing but a roach that needs permission to stick around. 

Without God, who is the Head of our body, we are nothing more than individual members scattering around without purpose, without power and therefore, without progress. 

Y’all remember those breathtaking pictures, right? Just like one star didn’t make up that galaxy, it is not just us in this big giant world and this grand ole scheme. Trust, it’s time to join the ranks and let Addonai take the reigns.

Clarity

Another popular prayer request was for clarity, guidance and discernment. This is heartbreaking because not knowing where to go is a feeling that’s equivalent to “being in the dark.” I was talking to God today and I told Him I was tired of being in the dark about what my next step was. Y’all know what He clapped back with and said? You would feel in the dark when you’re serving up under something that originates from darkness.

Uuuummm?? Wait hello?? Is this thing on, cause....what???

Like it came on the tail end of my comment. As in, no space or breath between. And it settled in me. I wasn’t surprised because He had shown me while I was praying on Friday that this was an issue too many of His children were dealing with right now. I had thought I was the only one, only to be bombarded with the fact that, this was so much bigger than me.

The enemy is really out to confuse the children of God, making them scatter and feel abandoned. If you can cut off a sheep’s ability to see and hear their Shepherd, then you can control them, or at least keep them from progressing and moving how they need to. The issue is, as God showed me:

There are things that we have entertained in the past- or are still entertaining- that are not of Him and thereby, have been given permission and authority to come into our lives and disrupt our connection with God. This happens through an attack on our discernment/clarity where the enemy places a covering over our minds and scales over our spiritual eyes and ears.

Acts 9:1-18 talks about the conversion of Saul into an apostle. For those who don’t know, Saul (whose name became Paul) is an OG in the Bible who wrote 13 of the New Testament books. He actually killed Christians for a living and was a super “high and mighty” sort of guy. He was the kind of church folk we don’t like. Real snooty and self righteous. Which is what Satan was and what God is trying to get us not to be. But anyways, in verse 18 of Acts 9, it says, “And immediately something like scales fell from his eyes, and he regained his sight.” 

The Lord was showing me that there are some things that we have been serving/entertaining in the past or still presently are, that haven’t been cast down, surrendered to Him and disowned in our lives, so they have created scales over our eyes and ears. Some things that used to or still do have our attention and have the power to distract us. 

For example, I had an Amazon Prime subscription that I forgot about it. Because I was a student, it was free. But a year after my schooling ended, it began to charge me as a regular subscription. Since I wasn’t aware of this, I hadn’t cancelled my subscription and the charges kept adding up. Monthly charges and late fees were steadily accruing to my account. They would call me over and over and over again, waking me from my sleep and taking up storage in my phone with their constant voicemails. My mom went to check the bill  and noticed that was an amount where there should have been a zero balance. 

Without my awareness or conscious consent, this thing was wreaking havoc on my life and still operating. Still causing damage. And our spiritual lives are the same way. Some of us subscribed for things in the past, or still have an active account they use, that is wreaking havoc on your discernment and clarity to this very day. You have given some spirit- lust, greed, vanity, revenge, addiction, etc access to your account and it is still running you into debt. And because you never disowned, cast off, and surrendered that thing to God, it is still operating and functioning.

His Word has told us the He has given us the Spirit of power, love and a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7 So that means, the enemy actually has no power over the state of our minds. But by the things we entertain, we can actually give him authority to disillusion us and enter into our discernment to interfere with our clarity. So these unclean spirits create a covering of confusion over our minds and create scales over our spiritual eyes and ears, which keep us-whether partially or wholly- blind and deaf to the guidance and voice of God. The enemy’s sole purpose is to keep us away from God. He doesn’t want us trusting God, consulting God, relying on God, praying to God, fellowshipping with Him, wanting Him, praising Him, talking to Him, etc. 

So think of these things like the old school web page blocks. If you tried to go to a website that was restricted, it’d take you to the school district’d blocked page, telling you the site was unavailable and deemed inappropriate. So, because of our relation to these unclean spirits, they have the right, under certain topics of conversation, to reroute our calls with God to the blocked page so we can’t hear or see Him properly. So every time you try to get on the phone with the Lord and seek His help/guidance, that thing that you never surrendered hops on the line and whispers things to you or blocks you from recognizing His voice. 

This year, it was prayed over me that it was extremely important to get familiar with God’s voice. I had a year of often thinking it was Him when it wasn’t. And the more areas of your life that aren’t submitted to Him, the larger the playing field is for anything to slide its answers to you. When you’re not submitted to God, your mind and discernment are a free for all in the spirit realm, where any demon or devil could be talking to you. You’ll definitely hear things that will lead you to serve whatever god you’re serving. I was serving vanity, so I was led to a lot of things, ideas and explanations the protected/promoted my image. Even if those things were damaging thoughts. We must be mindful of what we’re serving. If you serve money, you’ll hear opportunities everywhere. It will speak to you through anything.

If you are serving and operating in Unforgiveness, that in and of itself is a haze and block against the Lord. The Word says in Ephesians 4:26-27, “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold.”  Unforgiveness is an actual opening to the devil to talk to you and influence you. And as long as you hold onto that anger, he can continue to talk to you and cloud your clarity on a matter, because he will only tell you things that satisfy that self righteous anger, those things that make you puff up your chest and think I have every right to be mad. So what if we never talk again. She wasn’t a real friend anyways. He wasn’t down for me. They were just some snakes. She just hating on me cause I moved up in life. And so on and so forth. When you’re so busy entertaining solutions and perspectives that feed your anger and grudge, when do you have the opportunity and awareness to hear the Lord when He’s trying to speak forgiveness to you? The Lord understands that we get angry, but He knows nothing good comes from holding onto it. He knows that it only gives the devil a foot in the door of your life and discernment. 

God desires grace. He tells us in Matthew 6:14-15, “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” 

Matthew 5:23-24 speaks on this same theme of reconciling with your brothers before coming to Him, “Therefore if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, 24 leave your gift there before the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.”

Look at Ephesians 4:32- “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

Unforgiveness, a lack of mercy, a hardened heart, these are things very opposite to God’s character and so against the very foundation of His relationship with us, that He tells us that we should be making every effort to make it right with one another or come to Him for help in working it out. The Lord tells us in Luke 11:23, "Whoever is not with me is against me, and whoever does not gather with me scatters. When you are outside of the will, desire and character of God, He says that you are not with Him, progressing with Him. He promises to never leave us nor forsake us in Hebrews 13:5, and that He is always with us in Psalm 73:23. 

But look, there are things we participate in throughout life and come into agreement with, that are the equivalent of placing on headphones and sunglasses while God is walking and talking with us. Things that are the equivalent of walking into dark and loud places with those sunglasses and headphones on. And what started off as a mere hum and slight dimming of interference in our ability to perceive the Lord throughout our circumstances, becomes a full on deaf and blindness. Sometimes we devote ourselves to things/entertain habits, mindsets, emotions, people, etc that cause us to lose track of the presence of the Lord. Though He is always with us, we lose the ability to hear and see Him as we devote ourselves to spending time in/with things that close off our connection to Him. 

So, as we go to Him, the Lord is going to show us those places that need to be disowned, renounced and surrendered to Him. He’s taking the power we’ve given to the enemy back. But until we ask Him to reveal those places, we’ll stay in the dark. Legitimately. Anything outside of Him, is outside of light since He is Light. When we ask someone to “shed some light on the topic,” it’s because we need further understanding and clarification. We can’t get that if topics remain unexplained or improperly discussed. Just the same, we can’t expect to get the full spectrum of God’s illuminating clarity if there’s still parts of us that are serving up under shadows and darkness.

Mental Health

Now, this one is more so about stress and anxiety. Mental Health is a huge topic, and I am by no means an expert. So I won’t exactly be touching on the whole spectrum.

Just in regards to stress and anxiety, the Lord basically pointed to Himself as an example of a perfect mind and perfect mental health. His mind functions without flaw. In fact, His mind is so powerful and proper, that what He thinks, comes to pass.

Isaiah 14:24 “The Lord of hosts has sworn, saying, “Surely, as I have thought, so it shall come to pass.”  Another verse discusses a concept kinda similar to that in humans, “For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.” Proverbs 23:7. For God, what He thinks-happens. For us, what we think in our hearts- which means whatever we devote our consistent attention to, whatever we believe and meditate on- so we are, so we become.

When we focus on stress, we become stressed. When we focus on lust, we become horny. When we think about food, we get hungry. When we concentrate on companionship/lack thereof, we feel lonely. When we harp on our inadequacies, we feel insecure. There are things that we are meditating on that are affecting how we think, feel, sleep, communicate, relate to others, learn, eat, work, date, relax, exercise, etc. There are ideas we have that control who we are, who we let in, what we do, etc. Things that are restricting, oppressive, harmful, debilitating, etc. There are thoughts and perspectives we weren’t designed and destined to agree with- lies the enemy wants us to feed off of. 

So the Lord showed me that He wants to gives us His perspective, understanding, thoughts and truths about ourselves, our circumstances, our relationships, jobs, aspirations, troubles, etc. What we’ve been thinking about, harping on and meditating over are deteriorating our peace, joy, esteem, hope, and rest. So, the commission? Meet God where you’re at and pour out. Don’t try to put on by being extra holy, unbothered, super strong or grateful (cause I recently used to come to God as I felt I was supposed to, and not as I actually was). Let Him know you’re frustrated, stressed, down bad, wondering what the crap is going on, depressed, anxious, confused, hurt, feeling abandoned or forgotten, lost and cold. Let Him know you’re not sleeping well and having nightmares, that you can barely keep it straight during the day. Let Him know you cry all the time or that you want to even though you typically never do. 

And understand that He knows every single thing you’re saying to Him already. This practice is rehearsing how to surrender to God. I know I keep using that word, but it’s important. How can He be your God, your Master, your Parent if you don’t relinquish control to Him? Letting everything out and being transparent is an exercise of trust and love. You coming to Him and being honest is saying, “I’m ready to be vulnerable, I’m admitting that I’m vulnerable and I need Your help. I need YOU, because I haven’t been enough. Even when I wish I was, I am just not enough to help myself like You can help me, God.”

And that brings me to another important area that was common in the prayer requests, and my last point:

Strength

This ties right into Discipline, because we try to practice discipline in our own strength. But simply put, we cannot get the job done and go through life in our own strength only. When we come to the end of ourselves, we reach the beginning of an infinite God with infinite strength, power, solutions, resources, wisdom, hope, joy and peace. Stop trying to be happy all by yourself. Stop trying to find and control your own peace. Jesus is the Prince of Peace (Isaiah 9:6). He promises us rest (Hebrews 4), so let Him give it to you and help you. Moral of the story is: let Him lead and guide you, provide for and supply you, protect and stand by you. 

Again, I know mental health is broad and gets preeetty complicated. So I’m not trying to minimize its issues. My point is, there are some things, like stress and forms of anxiety, that the Lord wants to heal you from in this season. And He wants to begin by replacing your toxic beliefs, those empty promises of can’t and won’t, and the discouraging lies that plague your every moment with His truth, His perspective, His promises and His decrees. 

You are so much more than what your mind and the enemy tells you.

So from here on out, let’s just let God take the reigns of our discipline, discernment (clarity), minds, and strength. You know what. Let’s let Him take the reigns period. Jesus take the wheel, remember? Look at those pictures one more time. Soak it in, breathe and start surrendering. The God of miracles, signs, wonders and infinite universes can handle it. He made our universe, so He can maneuver yours. 

[noxastralis]

I can’t feel my hand lmao o)-(

But really tho, I’ve been planning of including some mini comic with this post, but alas, my wrist and back were hurting pretty badly while I was inking the page that I had to stop _(:'3｣∠)_ forgive me, I was too weak. Mad props to you guys who can draw comic so fast o)-( (I’m looking at you Saku ;-;)

A quick shoutout to @ronyascribbles for the uniform design. I hope you don’t mind I use it for this bc I really like it a lot =v=)bb

Anyways, a bit of info for my Fatesona in this AU under the cut if you’re interested lmao (gets a bit long though)

Her given weapon is actually a rope, but she found a crossbow out of sheer luck from looting on some corpse lmao

I imagine Lyn had lost someone to the game – her brothers perhaps – so she always had this feeling that she’s going end up being in the game like them. Because of this, she pretty much spent years to physically and mentally preparing herself for it. It would explain why she’s quite good in surviving the game, along with the reason why she’s not so easily shaken like a lot of people did when witnessing extreme violence and death right in front of them.

Her survival strategy had always been to ‘trust no one’ right from the beginning. Lyn relies on her instinct more than anything else, which is why she chose to be the lone wolf of instead of gathering allies to survive. She generally doesn’t care about other people and only help them when she feels like it. This AU really brings out a whole lot of her apathetic and selfish side lmao ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°);;;

Aside from that, she gets pretty darn calculative in this AU. Lyn is very much aware of the difficulty of surviving alone and knows she stands no chance against other kids by herself, so she spends most of her time hiding away from them, cautiously moves around the area undetected and avoiding herself from engaging with other kids unless if it’s absolutely necessary. I suppose it’s kinda like she lets them do the job for her – killing each other first until there’s only a few people left so she can easily take care of the remaining survivors

While Lyn doesn’t enjoy hurting people in general, she absolutely won’t hesitate killing others if she needs to, be it for self-defense or when she sees a potential threat in someone. She can get real violent, depending on her opponent and she’s definitely isn’t afraid to resort to dirty tricks to win the fight (no more nice Lyn I guess 😂 😂)

Lyn doesn’t like to admit this, but deep down, she actually doesn’t really care about winning the game. I suppose you can say she’s a lot more apathetic in this AU, not really caring whether she survives or not, so her whole mentality is pretty much like ‘yeah whatever, I’ll go along this game and see where it’ll take me. If I survive, cool. If not, so be it’. (if that actually makes sense lmao)

Now to the real question – will she survive? Who knows ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ maybe she will, or maybe not. Lmao in all seriousness tho, I haven’t put much thought about the possible endings for her in this AU. There’s all kind of possibilities that could happen in this AU, so I’m just gonna let you guys decide for now lol. I will definitely try my best to come up with more content, but no promises though since I’ll be back on uni next Monday, so I’ll be busy again soon TvT

[tinyscribblefairy]

One must always grow from mistakes made regardless of how damaging it may feel at the time. 

If things were to happen for a reason, I am already negotiating how to handle this one. 

Let me just start with one true fact. I have been fired from almost every single job I have ever had. I have learnt from each firing how to grow from each one. 

Two of these jobs, I really loved. One was a cook’s assistant in a company kitchen and the other one was as a fitness instructor for a women’s only circuit gym. 

I will not name the places or people involved to respect privacy and such. 

My main ambition, since I was a child has always been to become a published author, a writer, novelist and also wanted to be an actress and I have not given up on any of these dreams even if I have set them aside without really giving it a real go. Without giving myself a chance for the sake of society’s obsession with “Wake up, you gotta make money” and earning a living without sacrificing it all for a what some would call a pipe dream seemed incredibly foolish, unlikely and too risky. 

For three years I was not working at all and decided to give stand-up comedy a try and I still perform today in open mics, however every time you leave the scene or put yourself on the back burner, you kind of have to prove yourself on stage all over again. Just like any business, consistency and perseverance does eventually make a difference. No guarantees, but I have personally seen careers bloom and people actually getting to a point where they were earning their main income from comedy and various television appearances. 

It’s not impossible. It’s a hustle and it’s hard for the average Joes and Janes to understand, since very often they are hellbent on security, building families and buying mortgages and it does not fall into their spectrum of what they believe to be realistic ambitions. 

Not that there’s anything wrong with wanting or being content with an average life. It’s a choice and the more people you have with you or depending on you, it’s a logical, safe, practical and responsible choice. 

We need practical, logical, responsible people. Sometimes I envy them. 

Because practical, logical people don’t get fired. They don’t lose their jobs. 

I feel it would be important to tell you, as I am wiping tears of my face after typing that last line that for close to 2 years I have held another job, a job I have grown to love and been really good at. 

I’m a barmaid. My job involves serving clientele promptly, making drinks, pouring beers, also preparing food. The social aspect of the job is something I excel at, we have a regular clientele and all seem to be very happy with me. The administrative, inventory, cashing out part of the job is my Achilles heel. 

Focus has never been my forte.

Also, what made it difficult is mindlessly allowing myself to get distracted by my phone. Fell way too far into the Facebook vortex and got sidetracked, almost neglecting the job I am paid to do. 

 I have probably one of the most understanding, patient bosses in the entire universe but everyone has a breaking point. 

I’m pretty much what you could call a social media addict and I have also created a Facebook page for the bar where I work and have enjoyed some success with my posts. Nothing viral, but I take pride in anything creative that I do. 

You might be thinking, “Where is she going with this?” Well, since it just happened a few hours ago, I am still trying to process how to explain what happened. 

I work Mondays and Tuesdays from noon until closing, which occasionally means really late like after 3. 

The mistake was an err in judgement, I am also bipolar which means I am aware of certain situations that can trigger mania or hypomania . 

I had a particularly busy weekend, did not sleep very much and that’s never good as far as triggers are concerned, it can create an imbalance and—bingo!—fertile ground for lacking judgement and making irrevocably dumb choices.

While I was counting my cash and dealing with inventory, somewhere in my brain I thought it would be a really fun idea to go Live on Facebook which unlike Live on Instagram, it doesn’t disappear as soon as you finish recording.  

Also, I clicked on share. (Rolling my eyes as I wince thinking of how horrible I feel about this. As with every other mistake, I have learned to focus on the solution and the lesson. What’s done is done)

I did realize from comments I received that I should probably delete it. I did. Only, the damage was done. My co-worker, also the assistant manager, called me to inform me to delete it. 

I had already done so.

My boss, on vacation, had been contacted and understandably livid and furious. He mentioned, in anger, that my job is now in jeopardy, this was not to be overlooked, things were gonna have to change, no more phone use at work and also discrepancy with my register reading and the cash. I am basically facing a very real possibility of being let go. Fired. Given the old proverbial ax. 

What stung the most was when he said “I won’t be able to keep you and I really don’t know who else would hire you” 

I’ve always felt more than a little inadequate when it comes to employment and the fact that I was just unfit for most jobs. It’s not like I have not really tried—and succeeded at times—to be an upstanding, honest, hard-working member of society. Until I came undone at almost every single job. Something would happen and I would have to start again.  Find another job. A clean slate. Even after I was given chances, it would inevitably come down to being told “We feel we have done everything we could and given you all the chances we could afford to give you.” Some were more abrupt than others. Some were horrible bosses. Others I miss dearly and feel sad I could not live up to what they wanted, which was never unreasonable. Which added to my insecurity regarding being ever able to keep a damn job! 

I feel very shameful of my behavior, something I don’t often feel. Shame usually involves valuing what others think of you, which I avoid doing.  I wasn’t thinking properly at the time. When mania, anxiety and distraction such as a mobile device are in play, recipe for disaster. At the very limit, it could be compared to being on drugs. I was not. Not this time.  

Sitting here with stones in my chest. Feeling crushing disappointment with myself because up until that point, I have been doing relatively good. Things were looking up. I was maintaining some balance. 

Ups and downs. Most have them. People with bipolar have both in spades. 

Again, it’s always the case when mental illness/mental health is concerned, the battle is never completely won and if you take your eyes off yourself for one second, that moment where you forget to remain self-aware, can be your downfall. Your demise. 

I can see why younger generations are into Snapchat, less record of any possible stupidity to go potentially ruin something they have worked hard to achieve and maintain. 

I am reflecting on my behavior. There is such a thing I call the three-day snowball effect, including lack of sleep, accelerated thoughts, excitable energy, potentially mixed up with irritability, anxiety and can bring paranoia. 

…Aaaaand BOOM! It all culminated in the catalyst event of this morning.

Still shell-shocked from how I allowed this to derail so quickly but just as with any other recovery; admitting, being honest with yourself and making an active change is the first step to growth and success, right? 

It’s like a guitar, I need to fine tune my instrument. Maybe get new strings. 

Back to the drawing board. Accept the consequences. Whatever they will be. It’s still unsure at this time. If they do take me back,  I will do my best to be impeccable. Definitely no more phone at work. I feel like I should have applied this already.

 Could’a. Should’a. Would’a. Still can. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

As an adult, I am very much able to admit when I failed and accept what I did wrong as one more lesson in wisdom.

This is one cautionary tale about how quickly things can derail when caught up in overshare on social media.