#forbidden jungle gym

[harrymasonsdadbod]

Maybe I’m just built different but,

I think I could have climbed that

[thesinglesock]

guys we need to start a subculture like wizardposting where we instead we're posting like dragons are a simple fact of life.

man trying to declutter my house with a dragon sucks, if I remove one marble from his hoard he fills the room with smoke.

guys how do you deal with the atmospheric pressure differences on dragon back? my steed keeps nosediving and I swear one day my eardrums will rupture for reals.

logically I know they're ancient megafauna with no natural predators that will not hesitate to crush me if I stand in their way, but whenever I see the horns of a Draconis Gigans my First Instinctive Monkey Brain Thought is ALWAYS "wanna climb". Let me on the forbidden jungle gym.

hey so this dragon egg has been in my family's possession for 3 generations now and I'm starting to worry. will it ever hatch? is it sick? [attatched picture] reply: my guy i hate to break it to you but that's a rock.

do you see my vision

[thecameronchronicles]

My Best Friend, The Cam Girl

TW: Smut. Masturbation. Language. 

SUMMARY: Your best friend, Rafe, comes across your secret little Cam girl account…his reaction is more than unexpected…

WORD COUNT: 1400

*Requested*

My Best Friend, The Cam Girl

Best friends tell each other everything. Crushes, dreams, ambitions, and failures. All for that promise of their comforting words and loving embraces that may even consist of that constructive criticism that was necessary for personal growth. At least this was what Rafe thought as he pulled up his computer for the afternoon, believing somewhere in the back of his mind that he knew every detail about you. Even down to how you came fastest, despite the fact you two had never even kissed. But as he slipped his lubricated hand into his sweats, the preparation of a cam girl on the other side as a pre-recording to his fantasies, a girl chosen with your specs as you were his type to perfection, he stilled in awe at details of the similarities between the two of you. 

Down to the same red comforter he sat on that very morning as you whined about some recent grade and a lack of attention from your shared peers. He continued slow strokes of his shaft as these details continued to strike him. A specific shift of color in the tint of your hair only visible when the hair would hit it just right. The snowglobe he had given you last Christmas of New York because you had always dreamed of going there during the holidays. And finally, that scar on your shoulder that he had been somewhat responsible for after playing a bit too rough when you were younger and you'd fallen off of the jungle gym you were playing on, wearing that scar as evidence of his victorious strength against you. 

A sudden rush of guilt washed over him as he convinced himself these were all coincidences. There was no way this could be you, his best friend. And yet, a continuation of details such as this popped up around him. The hue of your curtains, the way you wore way too many hair ties on your wrist despite rarely wearing your hair up unless you were alone at night, even the sound of your breathing that had been a means of solitude for him when he'd rest on your lap when his days were in need of that comfort you allowed. 

"Mmmm..." You had moaned into the camera, his hand continuing, even quickening, as he felt guilt pulse through him. You were friends. You were so close you could almost be family. And yet, he couldn't stop his hand from those motions. So much so, that he would spray himself beneath his sheets in record time at the forbidden thoughts of you. Your moaning. Your exposed chest. And more importantly, how he could make this a reality the next day. 

"Do I have to ask you again?" He inquired as you hid your blush behind a nervous smirk before rolling your eyes. 

"How did you even find it?" 

"Doesn't matter-" He spoke quickly. 

"I thought you had that girl from the pep squad taking care of you-" 

"I don't think you should be on there..." He was protective and domineering as always, offering this behind his usual reserved hostility and blazed irises darkened from their usual light blue. 

"Why?" 

"Because only certain people should see you like that..." 

"Like you?" 

"No!" 

"Yes..." You teased, editing the space between you until you could take a deep breath and touch his chest with the tips of your breasts, perked nipples at attention at the thought of his touch. 

"Why is it any different if it’s you or someone else?" 

"Because they don't care about you..." He defended quickly as you weren't in the mood for chivalry or even romance. 

"Did you come?" 

"What?!" He moved away from you as if you'd asked a ridiculous question. 

"Did you come watching me?" 

"No I-I shut it off..." He lied, eyes shifting in either direction and evading you as you closed in on him. 

"So you didn't see that beauty mark...right here?" You asked, pulling your shorts and panties low enough to reveal what you spoke of. 

"And you didn't see me..." Pulling your fingers between your lips, you carried your digits into your mouth only withdrawing them when they dripped, as his eyes followed their descent into your panties. 

"Do this?" 

"Stop..." He was weak in tone as you chuckled. 

"Are you made because it's me? That anyone else can see it?" You moved even closer to him, "Or that you paid for something you could get for free?" He cocked his head. 

"Don't say shit you don't mean..." 

"Do I ever?" You moved to the bed, legs wide for his view, as you ran your fingers in quick strides and eventual penetration as his eyes followed your motions. 

"Rafe..." You moaned his name as his jaw clenched. 

"You know I think about you when I record myself?" His eyes darkened, his chest heaved, and his palm ran lines down his shaft in the attempts to tame its newfound ache, as he was on the tightrope of his resistance to you. Now more than ever. 

"I have a picture of us at the beach...the one where your shorts are low enough that I can just imagine how big you are...the things I'd do to you...the things I want you to do to me...and your muscles..." You shuddered, a sensitive twist of your nerves making your toes curl as you watched him in awe of you. 

"I even say your name...but I always edit it out...just in case you found me...but a part of me always wished you would..." You suddenly withdrew your fingers. 

"So what are you gonna do about it since you have?" You brought your fingers to your mouth, eyes pulling into a roll as this had been enough for him. 

He pounced without a care of what it meant for your friendship. Instead, he pawed you in the attempts to leave you naked for him. Once he succeeded, he took stock of your breasts and nipples, moaning against each one as he left them dripping and and writhing, until pulling himself freely from his pants. Your brows rose in shock to how large and thick he was, a momentary regret to initiate this as you knew how painful he would be. But before you could ask him to be gentle or second guess it, he was already inside of you. 

"Fuck!" You both moaned in unison as he moved quickly. Years of sexual tension and denial of feelings had come through each reckless peneetration as his fingers ate into your hips while he lifted you further against him. 

"You're never making another fucking video...nobody else gets to see you like this..." He demanded as you chuckled. 

"Oh really?" 

"Don't push me..." 

"But it seems to fair well for me..." You were now taken away from him. Ass lifted in the air as he penetrated once more. 

"Mine. I'll brand this ass if I have to-" He smacked yourcheek, pulling your hair as you moaned to this teasing abuse. 

"Harder!" 

He obliged. 

"I'll leave you so marked up nobody will question that you have someone-" 

"Are you my someone Rafe?" 

"I'm gonna be your fucking everything!" He called behind you, hand now to your clit as you catapulted to that edge. 

"Just like you've always been mine." 

"Yeah?" 

"Fuck. Yes." He grunted. 

"About time..." 

"Shit..." He nearly whimpered, your words that further pulled to his own release. 

"Come for me, Rafe! I can feel you so deep, I can't take it!!!" 

"Take it baby...take all of it-" He growled into your shoulder, bent over you perfectly, to hit THAT spot, before you trembled in unison to his orgasm as he brought you to your own. 

"I mean it about those videos. No more." 

"Starting now?" His eyes narrowed as you but your lip and pointed towards the laptop with a lift of your head, the computer set on record, and pointed towards your bed. 

"You recorded us?" 

"I mean you did just barge in here making demands...very sexy..." He wanted to be upset, he had every right to be. But instead, he could only scoff. As he pulled you over his lap into a straddle. 

"What do you say, we make it worth their money then?" 

Taglist: @hopebaker @iovdrew @penny4yourthoughts @magnificantmermaid @pickingviolets @lovedetlost @trikigirl271 @maybankslover @slut4starkey @slvtherinseeker @obxiskewl @obxxrxfes @bluesongbird @slut-era @ailee-celeste @rafesbae

[gor3sigil]

[My Experience] Undiagnosed autistic: early socialization and its consequences

I had a messy birth. It’s quite frankly, almost a miracle that I am even there. It led my mom to shelter me until I started school. And because my mom spent so much time with me and was traumatized by my upbringing, she was the first one to tell the tale of how I was such a “special child”. The Special Child that I was had much trouble socializing after spending so much time alone with my mom. The teachers spotted it and talked to her about it, and she shrugged, saying that yes, I was, you know it, “special”. Of course I didn’t know how to properly talk with my peers, I had spent my 3 first years in this world smothered under blankets, between the closed, choking arms of a hurt woman, fed with books and medications, cartoons and the walls of my always-too-warm bedroom. I’d never go out except to walk the dog with my mother, who would put me under layers and layers of clothes so I wouldn’t catch nor a cold, nor anything close to fresh air. Everything I learned, I learned with her by my side, envelopped in this syrupy love so sweet it was almost nauseating at times, as close to the womb as my very-much-out-of-it body could allow.

And my mom loved books, and she gave me this hunger for words, so much that when I started school I had way too much words for my little mouth and was always so pissed about the lack of them in my peer’s. I told the teacher that I didn’t see a point being friends with other kids, as they “talked like babies”. I much preferred the company of ants. I loved seeing what they were up to, and would spend all recess kneeled before the farthest tree, so much so that I got forbidden to do so, as to make me “fit in”, or at least try to. So I wandered aimlessly around the jungle gym and the big train made out of wood, with a steering wheel and all, that were the centre of the playground. Eventually, I shyly went to one of the kids playing and asked if I could play with them. They told me I could, and that they were the train driver. I asked why they were, and they told me “because I said so”. I shrugged and went away. I couldn’t play with kids who would say “because I said so” and thought it was a valid answer, or at least this is what I told the teachers who asked me why I was sitting aside.

So they gave up recess and started to make me play with others during class, which I hated even more because I had a whole storyline for my toys and I didn’t want anyone interrupting it nor changing it. Most of the time I would ignore the kids who were asked to play with me until they left and the teacher stopped “sending” me new people. What did they do after they had tried everything they could think of to get me to interact with others ? They started resenting me. They started to openly make fun of some of my quirks, like the fact that I had trouble colouring and overall motricity issues, and treated me as an arrogant, mean kid. When I was just a child who had trouble adjusting, the adults were fine with letting me talk with them, spend time with them as I felt more understood with grown up than with other kids, but once they saw that I wouldn’t be all complient with their efforts and that I was not a problem who would sort itself out, they became angry at me. For the rest of my preschool years, I was regarded as the smug kid who thought that they were so above others.

Now I kind of understand why that is: it was like that because of my mother. My mother loved the attention, and if she wasn’t going to be pitied by telling about my birth, she was going to get praises for how special and intelligent I was. When we had meetings with teachers, she’d talk about my early abilities like they were her own, with a look in her eyes that said “I won”. But I think that what set the school up the most was when they asked if she ever thought of making me see a doctor, more specifically about autism. I can’t quite remember how she said it, but she basically laughed and said “there’s no need, she’s just clever and a bit early, that’s all ! That’s what the doctor said anyways”.

Which is not quite what happened. I remember having 3 sessions or so with a psychologist who, yes, said to my mom that I was an early child [with a troubled household] who seemed very bright [and depressed] but that they couldn’t provide for a free diagnosis because I wasn’t on a severe scale and, we’re in the early 2000s and I’m a little girl, basically, if I wasn’t hurting other kids and/or banging my head against a wall they didn’t see a point of diagnosing me. Was I troubled ? Yes. But enough for my parents to PAY to get me diagnosed ? No no.

And the way my mother told the story to the schoolboard just made them think that… Well, she didn’t want me to get help. So, thinking that being shitty towards me would “serve her right”, they started to treat me like crap. Which made me even more isolated and closed up on myself, and so on and so forth. You know the story. The more you could see I was not doing well, the more my mom gloated about how “special” I was, the more the teachers resented me.

We’re off to a great start, right ?

[skywarpie]

Who does Copia trust to babysit his daughters from most to least?

Aether - 10/10. Does everything as Copia instructs (he provides a list with doodles to help explain). Doesn't let them eat too much sugar or get hurt. Downside; a little too lenient

Primo - the absolute safest bet. Won't let them get hurt/killed. Teaches them about flowers and nature. Also has the best old man pocket candy to share. Downside; copia picks them up and they're covered in dirt.

The ghoulettes - knows they're in the safest care. Would trust them with his daughters lives. Downside; they come home covered in a perfume that copia is allergic to so he sneezes constantly and breaks out in hives.

Mountain: quiet but extremely helpful. Is like a moving jungle gym for the girls. Downside; they make fun of how short copia is after being with mountain

Imperator - downside; cold exterior but in reality very loving as a grandma (a mother too, although overbearing). Will have them barking out orders to the staff by the end of the day, wiping tears from her eyes at how far they're gonna go.

Secondo - rough exterior but actually a girl dad at heart so makes the best uncle. Downside; sometimes hurts their feelings with his cold attitude

Terzo - avoided at all costs. The girls always come back with the most ridiculous information about copias childhood that has him >:'[ like "terzo told us about that time you climbed a tree and thought you could fly. Shut up I dont care that you were 5." Downside; everything

Swiss, Rain, Phantom: absolutely the last choice. Too much chaos. Swiss has them all shimmying too much before 12pm

Dewdrop: no.

Nihil: forbidden. Although sometimes for fun the girls act like they can't hear him and will play with an oujia asking questing like "is anyone here?" And then just straight up ignore his ass when he answers. "Yes right here. Here. I am HERE." If they could they'd resurrect him and kill him all over

[iamonlyhereforthefreefood]

Forbidden jungle gym....

[adobephotoslop]

Don't tell their father but I am allowing the kitties some playtime in the forbidden jungle gym (the walk in closet)

[freakish-hazzard]

Thinking about this dream i had last night where i was in a half direlect world where the elite prospered and had all the sleek tech n shit. I was accompanied by a friend almost the whole journey and we only got separated a few times. We explored and were surviving together.

A little while into the dream, there was this. Thing that had imbedded itself into me and my friend, and it was growing and taking over us and we went to the capital to get it "fixed" via train. But we didn't want it fixed, as even though it was scary, it felt. Right and it wasn't actually hurting us. We were different, but it was ok and it was liberating, even though everyone was scared of us because of our outward appearance.

Once we got to the capital out of societal obligation, we made our way to a medical center. It was creepy and gothic, old and forbidden tinctures lined the walls, homey, mad science like and messy about it, unlike the sleek sterile samey unwelcoming nightmare of the futuristic capital. We thought we were getting fixed but it turns out we were getting honed in with our new bodies, it was strange. We were separated at this point and it felt vulnerable, and it felt like i lost part of myself (not irl me, u get it) there, like it was taken. We both left after arduous tasks and uncomfortable experiments and had to find our way back to each other.

I left first and found my way back to the entrance of the medical facility, going inside, it was completely different. Almost angelic in a similarly sterile way the rest of the place was. So i left because its not where i was. I decided to take a look at the entrance again and found a plaque on the wall that read something like "this is a medical facility for those who are pristine, praise the lord yadda yadda" and like. I looked over to my side and saw another plaque on the wall that had no text but was a red square with cool patterns and just. Put my whole hand to it. And then the entire angelic interior was swapped for the messy lab i went to it was really fucking funny to me and i cant explain why ahshrhgjdbdg

Anyway, i met up again with my friend and we got arrested for having a little too much fun exploring on the exteriors of these buildings like jungle gyms and we got put in some sort of machine that was going to strip us of our imbedded things against our will. I remember hanging from this machine that was grasping me that was attached to a rail that hung from the ceiling, the whole rail had hundreds of the same machines that were also empty bur still moving. It was like a rollercoaster running with only one passenger, designed to be used by hundreds but ultimately unutilized, haunting.

I was sort of phasing back into consciousness when i saw that, and fully woke back up as the machine took a detour into a room that had terminals and machinery that was going to rip out my self, so i broke free of the grasp, and ripped into the machine so it couldnt get me, alarms were blaring, and i knew i had to find my friend. I don't know how i found them, but we got back together, and started running as fast as we could out of there. The whole place was locked down, nobody but us and people whos job it was to catch us. Thankfully, we found refuge in a room off the path with a friend we made earlier who was willing to help us get out alive and to escape the entire country for a better life elsewhere. We planned what we could in what little time we had left, and ran and fought, taking tunnels and making choices that could spell death if we werent careful, and we finally made it outside of the city, and even thought we weren't safe yet, being able to finally see the horizon again with its boundless greenery and endless possibilities felt so so good and it only made us run faster and gave us more hope for the future.

It was a good dream. And. It feels a little prophetic in some ways and that's really scary because of how i know it would actually play out, but i can hold out hope. I did in my dream and so i can in meatspace too

[stupid-flanders]

Hey I wanted to bring back this fic cause I have been very devoted to it recently! ^^ if anyone’s interested, it’s about 15 chapters, nowhere near finished, and word count is climbing fast HAHA *devious fandom laughter*. Here’s a lil excerpt of the end of the first chapter:

“Like the rest of the city, Big City Elementary was full to the brim with eccentric characters, and it just so happened that the Kindergarten class was the first out to recess. The playground rested in the middle of the school, a courtyard of sorts, boasting a plethora of multicolored slides, a jungle gym, and a low balance beam for the more acrobatically gifted students. A small patch of grass resided near the door, just wide enough to host makeshift soccer games. A few years prior, a first-grader had fallen off the purple monkey bars face-first and broken his jaw. As a result, the younger kids were forbidden from the monkey bars, so the far corner of the playground was often deserted. This, however, made it the perfect refuge for students who had no interest in the mainstream modes of entertainment. One such child went by the name of Gwendolyn Zapp.

At this particular moment, Gwendolyn was crouched directly beneath the monkey bars. The teachers had learned by now that she had no interest in the prohibited equipment, so they kept no significant audience over her presence in that distant island of the playground. Perhaps they should have, however, for Gwendolyn was hard at work on something that could have easily struck everyone in the courtyard with awe, ketchup, or both.”

😁 Hope y’all enjoy! More love is NEEDED for the Gwen and Colleen (…and Nancy?? 👀 stay tuned) fans of the world

[stressbakeling]

Burning Time - 01/16/24

My mother once told me she always felt that time was whipping past her--that she could never hold on to any one moment for long enough. I have heard many people say that as they grow older they feel that time picks up speed; cascading down hill, out of their control.

I have always felt that time could never move fast enough. It still feels like it moves glacially over me, that it's all I need do in my life to distract from the drag of the hand around the clock face. I will be 31 years of age this year. How am I not twice that? How have I not done so much so as to afford a round 40, or 50?

I assume my time slip began at Culver. Leaving home, making a new life in a place I did not grow up, experiencing things beyond the shadow of my family all felt like the beginning of my departure from my age. Packing up my things at thirteen and taking on the "world" (even though the world had a really bad meal plan and a very thick-walled bubble) started to push me away from relating to the American children on TV or in young adult novels that were anxious about learning how to drive, their locker jamming before class, who they were going to take to prom.

While I (and all of my peers) felt the loss of a traditional high school experience we'd never have, we racked up a series of weird alternatives in place. Inspections, horses, canons, a dining hall, a jungle gym campus full of buildings with ancient art, forbidden rooms, floor to ceiling windows, solitude, seclusion. A sort of trauma bond secures all Culver classmates to each other--I think it's why some people who leave that place never have a chance to get more interesting than they were at 16 or 17 years of age.

College offered a horrible whiplash. Surrounded by freshman, yet again, but even though they weren't 14, they felt it. Stumbling to figure out credit cards, homesickness, laundry, campus spaces, time management. I felt isolated as time halted. Too young to enter the world, too undereducated to hold my own--but too experienced to connect with every other person around me. I had to make friends that were older, time off of campus felt realer. Things like Greek life and sports teams felt like false crutches for community--something we could all pretend to care about. The drift in experience began to pick up speed, and the spaces I would be taken seriously also rapidly began to shrink. I took up a job to pay for tuition, moved off campus into an apartment with other more frugal peers, sought out internship programs that were not available to me via the university. Every romantic involvement felt like an echo delay. We were never working on the same problems, concerned about the same things.

Since then, the pain of being ahead (and also, somehow behind) has eased in some places and increased in others. As I have aged, I feel less unsure about myself, about whether or not my experience is being corrupted by emotion or hormones or my stage in life. However, I have never looked my age and this continues to lock me into a very strange place in the minds and eyes of others. I wrestle with being taken seriously at work, in public. Being treated as responsible, as independent, as intelligent or stable has been something I've always had to fight as a youngish looking woman.

"But Marisa," I can hear you not say "you cut your hair boyishly short, you dye it crazy colors. You dress like you're on your way to a festival. You're not particularly serious as a person. Of course people think you're young!"

I'll tell you, for a time, I tried to look older. I wanted the world to treat me the way I felt inside. I grew out my hair, wore glasses, acquired boobs, dressed more conservatively--it did not make a dramatic difference. I would still be harangued at the grocery store for putting wine in my cart and float in a weird space of being accepted by older coworkers but never seen as an equal. Still sexualized and infantilized for the way I look. "Enjoy it while it lasts" women bartenders, waitresses, cashiers would say to me with exhausted eyes, handing my ID back to me, irritated with my reaction of being treated with suspicion for being what they felt was a desirable trait.

At 30, I imagined that I would feel a sense of relief. Maybe a fantasy tipping point where my judgement, my mentality, my sense of commitment were no longer questioned because I had purple hair or a chicken tattoo. It turns out that it never had anything to do with me in the first place. I am through with waiting to be seen as a legitimate actor in the space. I will not play to what other people feel stands for some genuine insignia of maturity. I will not cosplay as someone I'm not in order for people to acknowledge who I actually am. I am through with burning my time when it's someone else's problem that I am not bright enough for them.

[moths-and-mantids]

Forbidden Jungle Gym…

[mariatogel]

Unlocking the Potential of SARMS: Your Ultimate Guide to Safe and Effective Use

Hey there, fitness warriors and health enthusiasts! If you're diving into the world of performance-enhancing supplements, you've likely come across the buzz about SARMS – Selective Androgen Receptor Modulators. These bad boys are making waves in the fitness and bodybuilding scene, promising gains without the pains of traditional steroids. But before you jump on the SARMS train, let's pump the brakes and dig into the nitty-gritty. I'm Anderson Cooper, your guide through this SARMS jungle, and together, we'll navigate the terrain, separating fact from fiction.

The SARMS Scoop: What You Need to Know Before You Buy

Picture this: you're scrolling through your favorite online supplement store or maybe strolling through the aisles of your local supplement shop. SARMS are beckoning, promising muscle gains and performance boosts. But, and here's the big BUT, not all that glitters is gold. SARMS might seem tempting, but there's a hitch – they aren't all created equal, and some might even be swimming in murky waters how to buy sarms .

The Hidden Dangers of the SARMS Sea

SARMS might be the shiny new thing, but tread carefully, my friends. Many SARMS haven't earned their golden seal of approval from the powers that be. That means they might be flying under the radar, slipping through the cracks of legality and safety. There's no denying it – some SARMS could be as harmful as that rollercoaster that always leaves you feeling queasy.

Steering Clear of Trouble: How to Buy SARMS Wisely

Now, I'm not here to rain on your SARMS parade, but I am here to make sure you stay dry in the storm. When it comes to snagging SARMS, you've got to be smart. Look for the beacons of trust – those reputable sellers who lay it all out on the table. You want the whole enchilada – details about ingredients, dosages, and yes, even potential side effects. And don't just take their word for it – take a detour to Reviewsville. Your fellow fitness warriors are your best navigators. If others have braved the SARMS waters before you, their tales will guide you.

Navigating Legality: SARMS and the Law

Hey, I get it. The promise of muscle growth and power is tempting, but you've got to know if you're playing in the right sandbox. SARMS might be legal in some places, while in others, they're the forbidden fruit. Imagine investing your time, money, and dreams into something, only to find out it's a no-go in your neck of the woods. So, before you dive headfirst into the SARMS ocean, make sure you're not breaking any rules that could land you in hot water.

Unmasking SARMS: Beyond the Hype

Alright, warriors, let's dive a little deeper into what makes SARMS tick. You've heard the whispers – they're like steroids but without the drama. And you know what? There might be some truth to that. SARMS are like a laser-guided missile, targeting those androgen receptors responsible for muscle growth and bone density. But they're selective, folks, which means they're honing in on the good stuff and hopefully leaving the bad behind sarms price .

The Perks of Popping SARMS

Now, let's talk turkey. Why are these SARMS creating such a buzz? Well, imagine this: increased muscle mass without the baggage of those moody mood swings or potential liver damage. Sounds like a dream, right? SARMS are like your personal fitness fairy, granting you:

1. Hulk-like Muscle Mass: SARMS wave their magic wands at those androgen receptors, telling your muscles, "Grow, baby, grow!" The result? You could be flexing the biceps which would make the Hulk himself jealous.

2. Superhuman Strength and Stamina: SARMS is like your secret weapon, giving you an edge in the gym. You could be squatting and bench-pressing like a champ, leaving mere mortals in the dust.

3. Goodbye, Flab; Hello, Fab: If you're looking to shed that stubborn fat, SARMS might be your knight in shining armor. They could help you kick fat to the curb while preserving your precious muscle mass.

4. Speedy Recovery: We all know that feeling after a killer workout – you can barely lift a spoon, let alone dumbbells. But SARMS might speed up your body's recovery time, so you can hit the gym sooner than you can say "bicep curls."

5. Fewer Drama Queens: Unlike those steroids that come with a laundry list of side effects, SARMS could be the drama-free zone you've been searching for. Say goodbye to mood swings and liver woes, and hello to gains and gains.

SARMS: The Not-So-Sunny Side

Now, before you sprint to the nearest supplement store, let's take a pit stop and chat about the not-so-pretty side of SARMS. Yes, even these mighty supplements have their Achilles' heels. So, before you ride the SARMS wave, brace yourself for:

1. Hormonal Hijinks: SARMS might be playing puppeteer with your hormones. Think lower testosterone levels, estrogen rollercoasters, and even a potential hit to your swimmers' count.

2. Unfriendly to Your Liver: SARMS might be a bit of a tough love situation for your liver. While they might not be as harsh as traditional steroids, they could still give your liver a run for its money.

3. Heart Check: SARMS could be flexing the muscles in your cardiovascular system, upping your blood pressure, and potentially inviting the heart disease party to town. Though let's be clear, the guest list isn't confirmed just yet.

4. Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow: If you're genetically predisposed to rocking the bald look, certain SARMS might accelerate your journey to chrome-domed glory.

5. Acne Invasion: Remember those high school days when your face was your canvas for zits and pimples? Well, some SARMS could bring that nostalgic feeling back, courtesy of hormonal imbalances.

6. Mood Swings: While you might think of yourself as unflappable, SARMS could toss a curveball your way, leading to mood changes, anxiety, and irritability.

The SARMS Saga: The Final Chapter

As we near the finish line, my fitness warriors, remember this – SARMS might be a game-changer, but they're not a one-size-fits-all solution. They're like that intriguing novel you can't put down, with twists, turns, and unanswered questions. The long-term effects? A mystery yet to be unraveled. So, before you embark on this SARMS adventure, consult your healthcare professional. They'll help you decipher fact from fiction and decide if SARMS are your fitness fairy tale ending or a chapter best left unturned.

So, there you have it, fellow fitness seekers! The SARMS journey – a rollercoaster of potential, pitfalls, and a lot of science talk. Remember, the key to unlocking those gains lies in your hands, but it's a journey best taken with eyes wide open and a guide like yours truly by your side. Stay strong, stay smart, and may your fitness dreams become a reality!

[saiyanprincessswanie]

Monkey Business

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Female Reader

Word Count: 594

Warnings: Some sexual innuendos, Dirty Mind, Playful and Fluffy

Summary: You have either fallen in love or lust with Bucky. As you watch him workout your mind goes to other places.

For @kellyn1604​ 5K Writing Challenge Bridesmaid Quote

Thank you to @hurricanerin​ and @music-culture-mythology​ for your help

Reblogs & Comments on Tumblr are welcomed and encouraged. 😊💜

I do NOT give my consent to have my work translated or reposted on any social media platform, apps or third party sites. If you see my work anywhere else besides my personal Tumblr & AO3 accounts then it has been stolen. I will NEVER give written or verbal permission to repost or translate any of my fanfics as they’re MY intellectual property. 🚫🚫

When you joined the Avengers team, you never knew you would fall in love--or maybe lust--with your teammate. 

When it came to men, Bucky Barnes was a fine specimen.  You tried your hardest not to stare, but, dear mother of god, he was fine. His body had to have been chiseled from the Gods themselves when they made him. Bucky in your eyes was sex on a stick and you wanted to lick him in all the right places. 

As you sprinted on the treadmill, you tried to conceal the fact that you were thirsting over him as he worked out across from you. Every inhale he took, you took one of your own and held your breath. Every grunt he made when he exhaled had you feeling a little damp between your legs. 

Bucky was bench pressing several hundred pounds with ease. The motion of the bar going up and down had you licking your lips as you watched the sweat drip down his torso. 

There was no doubt that man could lift you with ease and have his way with you in several spots of the gym. What you wouldn’t give to be that bar. There would be no gentleness between you both. It would be hot, sweaty bodies working together as you both took each other apart in only ways you could imagine. A tilt of your hips, his vibranium hand around your neck….

“You know he is single, right?” A female voice broke your train of thought, causing you to briefly stumble as your fantasy disappeared suddenly.

“Jesus, Nat, you could have made me fall off this damn thing.” You regained your footing as you turned the treadmill off. Your heart was beating fast and you weren’t sure if it was from almost face planting it or your dirty little secret. 

Nat chuckled at you, “You didn’t answer the question.” She watched you hide your face in your hands in embarrassment. 

You watched Bucky put the bar back in place and sit up. He looked over to you both and grinned as he took a swig of water. 

Smiling back at him you stepped off the treadmill and turned to talk to Nat. You wiped your sweat away with a towel. “’I’m glad he’s single because I’m going to climb that like a tree’. Mark my words Nat, not only will I climb him but I will swing from those branches.”

“I could give you a little boost. That way you can swing with no hands.” Bucky had seductively whispered into your ear and made you freeze in your spot. His warm breath against your ear caused you to whimper as you felt yourself grow wet again. 

Nat started laughing and you ignored her as you spun around to see Bucky behind you. Hands-on his hips, he was grinning at you. “I’m going to shower if you want to join me, monkey business is encouraged.” He left you staring after him with your mouth opened.

“Nat if anyone is looking for me in the next few hours, tell them I left on a jungle tour to taste the forbidden fruit!” 

You started running after Bucky, leaving Nat in the gym, laughing. As soon as you and Bucky walked into his room you leaped at him like a spider monkey. Catching you in his arms you wrapped your legs around his hips. He slammed your back into the door causing you to groan out. 

“I hope you are ready for a wild ride doll. I’m about to head down under.”

Next Chapter

[sidehugsnsideblogs]

FCSU #8 War of the Wives

Allen was thrilled to have both his wives pregnant at the same time. He hoped that Jayne would encourage Ellie through her first pregnancy and birth experience. Little did he know Ellie and Jayne were still butting heads.

Ellie May Brown had grown up in a very strict household. As the daughter of the Bishop there was immense pressure on she and her sisters had to look and behave perfectly at all times. She had always known what was expected of her and felt overwhelmed and adrift in a family that valued fun over decorum. 

She was used to very scheduled days with set times for waking, prayer, breakfast, and cleaning in the mornings and homework, and evening prayer at night. In the Prichard household, everyone rose at different times, took care of their own needs and then went to school or work. The family gathered on Sundays for scripture study and prayer after church but that was the only time the family devoted to their religion.

Worse still, some of the girl's toys were dinosaurs and fictional monsters which were both forbidden in the FCSU as they were a mockery of God’s beautiful creations. Toys like that never should have been brought to the Prospect in the first place.

As her pregnancy progressed, Ellie grew increasingly anxious about creating a life in such an unholy home. Even though it wasn't her place to do so, she admonished her husband to take a more active role in ruling his household.

Jayne viewed the freedom she gave the girls as an expression trust and love. Her thinking was that the girls could choose to play with wicked toys or spend time on the jungle gym instead at prayer but they were responsible sorting out their own feelings of guilt afterward. She felt the girls would feel empowered to choose diligence for themselves. Jayne was also nine months pregnant with her sixth child with two toddlers to look after as well. She didn't have the time or energy to micromanage the lives of her older girls.

Jayne went into labor in the dead of night, she awoke Allen and Ellie to observe the delivery. In the FCSU it is customary for all the wives witness the birth of every child. When Jayne delivered her sixth daughter, Rebecca Dawn Prichard, Jayne was crushed. She tried to focus on her baby girl’s beautiful face and not her own crushing fear that she was unworthy to give her husband a son.

Not long afterward Ellie May went into labor, she gave birth to Allen’s seventh child and first son; christened (most unoriginally) as Allen Jr. Allen and Jayne were taken aback, clearly God was favoring Ellie May. Allen relented and let Ellie plan out strict schedule for the girls, all incriminating toys were burned and Ellie’s concerns were taken more seriously after the birth. Jayne wholeheartedly signed on for these changes, hoping that this at long last would make her worthy of having a son.

Shortly after the births, Aj finally aged up into a teen. Her mother had instilled in her a deep love and respect for the land around her. Jayne was thrilled to finally have some help with the garden. (Shoutout to @fundielicious-simblr​ for the dress!)

The same day as AJ’s birthday Farrah aged up into a child. She kept her angelic demeanor with the “Good” trait. She developed a deep love of art and music. She always kept sweet, even when people mistakenly called her Sarah. 

[notcanoncompliant]

can i request a fic where peter is in the military and when he comes home hes surprises his husband tony and his daughter morgan ? love your work xoxo

I've never written a kid!fic before, thank you for the challenge! I hope you enjoy 💕

Background:

> Age difference; Tony’s in his mid-late forties, Peter’s like 28-29.

> Pepper’s been friends with Tony for a million years, she carried Morgan for Peter & Tony (Tony is Morgan’s bio-dad)

> Tony’s still Tony Stark, he’s just not Iron Man. Pepper runs SI, Tony works/signs things/attends meetings from home so he can take care of Morgan

> Peter does IT for the government, gets contracted for military assignments

***

Don't Wanna Miss A Thing

The weather’s nice; chilly (but not too chilly) with sunshine spilling everywhere, glinting off iridescent birthday streamers and the few glittery party hats abandoned by a couple of Morgan’s friends in the grass and on the picnic table.

Tony’s hanging a little ways back from the party, watching Morgan run around with her friends. This is one of those times he’s grateful the other parents are a little (read: a lot) intimidated by Morgan’s pretty-much-celebrity father; it means he gets a few minutes of moping before he has to pull himself together and act like a person again.

He’s been trying, really trying, not to let too much of his sadness and frustration leak into his time with Morgan, but it’s hard. Peter was supposed to be coming home on leave for three weeks (!!!), but the military analyst powers-that-be had apparently needed him for just a little longer, another classified project that couldn’t wait.

It’s not the first time Peter’s had to cancel plans because of duty, but this would’ve been the first time Peter was home for Morgan’s birthday since the actual day of her birth, and Tony wishes there was something to rail against, something he could do. He would, but his husband loves his work and Tony would never put that in jeopardy or ask him to stop.

It’d be easier, though, if Tony were allowed to know where his husband is. Peter’s work usually falls under the ‘classified’ category nature. That in itself wouldn’t stop him...but Peter's forbidden him from looking up the locations. The uncertainty drives Tony nuts sometimes (all the time), but he’s been good.

(...and when he’s having a hard time being good, he has Pepper on emergency speed-dial as a safeguard to help talk him out of doing it; just another reason Tony’s grateful for her presence in their lives)

A familiar hand lands on his shoulder, squeezes once. He glances over as Pepper lowers herself onto the bench beside him.

“If you keep showing me affection, they might think it’s okay to talk to me,” Tony says, gesturing subtly to the other parents standing off a little ways away.

Pepper just gives him a fondly exasperated look, to which Tony shrugs. He knows she won’t give him actual flack; the PTA crew don’t really know what to do with themselves around a powerhouse like Virginia Potts, CEO.

“You know, you could take a page out of Morgan’s book,” she says quietly.

Tony heaves a breath, looks out at where Morgan’s running around with her friends.

They’re laughing and yelling and generally raising hell in their own little corner of the park, most of them in their wonderfully gaudy party hats, smacking each other with various foam weapons (Morgan wanted a warrior princess party; it’s the first childrens’ party Tony’s had to distribute liability waivers for, and he has a sneaking suspicion it won’t be the last). Morgan’s smile is as sunny as the weather, her cheeks pink from the cold as she begins to lead some kind of charge on the jungle gym.

He shrugs. “I don’t think the other parents would appreciate me beating their children with foam toys. Unfair advantages, you know. Better hand eye coordination. Longer limbs.”

Pepper huffs a laugh. “You know what I mean.”

Tony does know. Morgan always handles Peter’s absence with a grace Tony admires (and that she definitely got from Pepper). He worries about his glum mood running her over, does his best to be honest with her without making her carry his weight. She’s strong; strong and light and weirdly wise for someone so young (she gets all of that from Peter, no doubt, even without a genetic connection), and Tony’s so afraid to ruin that.

“I’m not dragging her down, am I?” he hears himself ask.

There’s a soft sigh from beside him as Pepper’s fingers lace through his.

“You’re not. You know you’re not,” she says, squeezing his hand. “You’re not handling it as poorly as you think, and it’s good for her to see you miss your husband. It’s always good for her to see that you’re only human.”

Tony just nods, not trusting himself to speak. It doesn’t lessen the ache, but he’s grateful nonetheless.

He tilts his head to rest on his friend’s shoulder, shuts his eyes. “Don’t know what we’d do without you, Pep.”

“You’d do alright,” she says, a smile in her voice.

It’s nice, letting himself feel. Not so much that he’s in danger of sobbing in a public park, but enough to acknowledge the weight in his chest, the soreness of disappointment, the gentle sting of love across a vast distance. To just lean there for a minute, temple pressing against the wool of Pepper’s jacket, just breathing…

“Papa!!”

Tony stiffens, opens his eyes, tries to process the rush of disbelief and hope.

No...It’s not...please be what I--please--

Morgan’s flying towards he and Pepper, but the giant smile on her face is directed somewhere past the park bench entirely, and Tony’s heart leaps into his throat.

He turns around in time to see Peter, resplendent in his G-man standard suit, striding towards them across the grass, a grin clear on his face. The stride turns into a jog turns into a sprint, and Peter collides, laughing, with their daughter, swings her up in the air before pulling her into a tight hug.

As Tony watches the display, he feels acutely all six months his husband’s been gone; the short phone calls a couple times a week, the video calls less frequently than that. Feels it all like a firestorm in his chest, his gut. Every sappy private moment, every night he curled up around a pillow sprayed with a little of Peter’s cologne.

He’s up, behind the bench and across the grass so fast he feels breathless.

Morgan’s got her arms around Peter, her face buried in his neck, and Peter’s eyes are red-rimmed and damp, his smile trembling just a little. Tony absolutely fails at keeping himself together as he kisses his husband hard, an almost painful press of lips, before pulling back and pressing their foreheads together.

“Hey, G-man,” he says, sniffing hard, grinning through his tears, “glad you could make it.”

Peter huffs a delighted laugh, kisses him again, cups the nape of Tony’s neck with his free hand and just...keeps him close.

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

***

Extra -- I might come back to this 'verse, or one like it. Super basic plot idea: When Tony finds out his husband's been taken hostage, and that Peter's work for the government isn't what Tony had thought, he becomes Iron Man to save the love of his life.

***

Everything Tag List: @the-amazing-spidertwink, @starkercrossedlovers, @hoeforthegays, @silkystark

[wigwurq]

WIG REVIEW: THE QUEEN’S GAMBIT

Yes it’s true - the only things I’ve been watching lately are prestige TV shows starring women with bad red wigs. I’ll get back to movies someday!! In the meantime, I finally watched all of this miniseries that has Netflix and the world aflame with love - and I am aflame too....WITH HATRED OF ALL OF THESE WIGS!!! I have so much to discuss with this show, y’all. A friend of mine (who hasn’t watched this show yet) probably said it best when he told me he thought the wigs in this show were supposed to be wigs WITHIN the narrative of the show (and therefore allowed to be bad): “wait I thought this was about a chess spy - that’s supposed to be her real hair? NO” INDEED!!! Let’s take it episode by episode (SPOILERS ABOUND) and DISCUSS.

Episode 1 - Openings

We begin in Paris, 1967. Beth Harmon, chess champion (?) awakens in a bath of ice (?) in the dark of her hotel room, clearly hung over or maybe still drunk. Her red ‘60s flip wig looks like HELL as does she, so...ok I guess this bad wig wurqs...for now. She sits herself down to play CHESS!! This whole show is about chess, obviously, and everyone is just mad about chess now! I am mad, too, because the show does not make chess seem interesting or sexy and I still hate it. 

Anyway, we rewind about 10 (?) years to a young Beth Harmon, who is suddenly orphaned after her mom definitely commits suicide via car accident. Her mom has super short bangs and cries a lot. We see some even further flashbacks to an even younger Beth IN THE MOST OUTRAGEOUS BABY WIG (MORE ON THAT LATER). We learn that her mom is very unhinged, but also probably brilliant, as Beth herself will become later. LET’S HOPE SHE NEVER GETS HER DRIVER’S LICENCE (note: she never does?)

Apparently the mid to late ‘50s were all about very VERY short bangs, and on this non-wigged little girl I guess that is fine.

BUT THEN! She is brought to an orphanage where they burn her old clothes (YES REALLY!) and cut her hair into a bob (the kid’s actual hair so again - ok!) and also give her and all the other girls constant drugs! The 1950s were really wild, amiright? If I have learned anything from movies set at orphanages in the 50s, drug abuse was the main issue (the only movie I’m referring to is obviously The Cider House Rules and the only thing I remember about that movie is that Michael Caine had an ether addiction). Anyway, the sedative drugs make her immediately put her hand on a hot radiator (safety first, orphanage!) 

She also makes friends with an older girl named Jolene (I LOVE THE NAME) who teachers her to save the sedative drugs for nighttime when they can help her sleep. Great advice, Jolene! Also: there is absolutely no way that African American Jolene would be in an integrated orphanage in mid-50s KENTUCKY but this is just the beginning of issues I have with this series......

Moving on! In avoiding the orphanage’s weird insistence on Jesusy choir practice, she discovers the basement realm of janitor Bill Camp, who never actually does any janitorial work (that I could see?) but definitely plays a lot of chess. And thus, her chess obsession begins! This is also helped by those sedatives she takes every night which give her really absurd chess hallucinations on the ceiling. This orphanage has it all!

Essentially, this miniseries is Valley of the Dolls if those characters got addicted to both pills and chess at the age of 9. Beth gets very VERY good at chess and some rando chess guy from the local high school comes and gives Beth a doll (BETH HATES THE DOLL BUT LOVES DOLLS DO YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE). And she goes to the high school and plays a bunch of terrible high school boys at chess simultaneously and beats them all. Also: the orphanage suddenly gets in trouble for giving sedatives to small children for years and Beth is PISSED. She goes through withdrawal and years for the big ol’ jar o’ pills!!!

AND THEN! During a kind of Jesusy film presentation, Beth sneaks away to the orphanage pharmacy and just goes hog wild on the pills! TRULY: Valley of the Dolls has nothing on this sequence. 

Obviously, Beth is caught pill-handed and she also spills all the pills, breaks a giant glass jar, and then falls onto both of them. SHE IS 9. I THINK I LOVE THIS SHOW.

Episode 2: Exchanges

So after Beth’s completely insane pill odyssey, she is punished by being forbidden to play chess! Fast forward an indeterminate number of years, and we meet a slightly older Beth (now played by the bewigged Anya Taylor-Joy). AND THIS WIG, Y’ALL. WOOF. Completely dried out and bent, it really makes you appreciate the fact that they just cut the younger Beth’s hair. I realize that Anya is going to go through many 50s and 60s hairstyles to come but I really wish they had just done the same and used her real hair because we are about to take a bad wig odyssey that will last throughout this series. Also! I love that Jolene is played by the same actress! How old is too old to be in an orphanage?

Speaking of age! Beth is apparently now 15 but when a super weird couple expresses interest in adopting her, the orphanage director lady lies and says Beth is 13 and everyone just goes with it....FOR THE REST OF THE SERIES. Seriously, this age difference is never ever visited again or challenged. Beth is basically 15-17 for at least 5 years and no one gives a shit. OK? Anyway, Beth is adopted by Marielle friggin Heller (aka director of Can You Ever Forgive Me? and A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood) who has a very Mamie Eisenhower wig which is just fine compared to the bent and dry-ass mess on Anya’s head.

It is later revealed that Marielle adopted Beth because her husband is mainly away on business and she needs an older gal pal around to fetch her....sedatives from the magazine store! I wonder if Beth will totally get addicted to them again! I’m no chess player but you can absolutely predict plot devices in this series about two pawns away (is that a chess term? I still don’t know or care!) 

So yes: as predicted Beth absolutely gets addicted to sedatives again (also the specific sedatives she gets addicted to are the exact same ones she was addicted to at the orphanage - WHAT A COINCIDENCE! - and also they are made up sedatives for the purposes of this show only in case we all want to get the same magical chess sedatives and see chess on the ceiling too). ALSO! Beth is still mainly addicted to chess despite the fact that she was permitted from playing it for the last 5-7 years (depending on what version of her age you’re going on?) but still is good at it? Most upsetting: she rips apart her lovely bed canopy in order to see her ceiling chess hallucinations! THE NERVE OF THIS KID!

Also nervy: bitch totally stole chess magazines from the pharmacy when she was also stealing sedatives from her adoptive mom! Kleptomania is Beth’s #3 addiction after chess and pills also comes into play when it is revealed that her new adoptive mom is kinda poor since her husband is away all the time and doesn’t give her enough money so Beth can’t enter those chess tournaments she read about in the magazines she stole. SO she writes to janitor Bill Camp and asks for $5 to enter the chess thing and if she wins she’ll send him $10. THIS IS A VERY IMPORTANT PLOT POINT WHICH WILL COME INTO PLAY LATER. So Beth goes to the chess tournament where she meets some not handsome twin dudes and a very handsome other dude named Townes.

Basically all the chess dudes at this tourney suck in the same way? To be fair: if I saw Beth walking up in her ugly orphanage clothes and orphanage cut wig, I would think she sucked at chess too? Oh also - all the girls at her new high school also think her style sucks. I WONDER IF IN COMING EPISODES SHE WILL GAIN MORE STYLE AND CHESS FAME THAN ALL THESE GARBAGE PEOPLE. Spoiler: she does and also beats this dude named Harry and becomes the Kentucky chess champion. Also! Beth’s adoptive dad totally abandons her and Marielle Heller!  I still hate chess but will continue to watch this show because of its haunting wigs and lowgrade feminist vibe.

Episode 3: Doubled Pawns

This episode begins with a flashback to Beth’s shitty birth mother and her shitty banged wig and remember that time I said I was going to talk about the wig on the littlest girl who plays her? WELL HERE WE ARE. Baby Beth has the absolute WORST WIG ON THIS SHOW and given how terrible all the wigs are, that is saying a lot. This wig looks like it was ripped off an American Girl doll which had been mistreated for years and thrown of a jungle gym or something. IT IS THE ABSOLUTE WORST (as is her mom, who makes this poor kid believe she had drowned!!!) 

ANYWAY. We get a new wig in this episode!!! Beth manages to grow out her orphanage bangs and allow her hair to have a 50s wave bob. Do not be fooled by the higher quality of this cut, however - the quality of the WIG continues to very much suck! WHAT IS THIS HAIR PART! No hair underneath! And everything is still a dried out, bent mess! ALSO HER ROOTS ARE A NIGHTMARE. This is also the episode wherein Marielle Heller basically becomes Mama Rose to Beth and really gets into Beth supporting both of them via chess winnings and becomes her chess manager (ACTUAL JOB TITLE). Also Beth gets nicer clothing. Hilariously, Marielle tells Beth’s high school that Beth is just constantly sick so she can skip school to go to chess tournaments even though Beth is straight up on the cover of Life magazine?! I wonder if this will at all come to the attention of the high school - IT DOESN’T! PLOT HOLES BE DAMNED THIS SHOW IS ABOUT CHESS! She does go to high school long enough for the snobby girls who once made fun of her to invite her to the dumbest party ever where they just sit around and ask Beth dumb questions about Chess fame and then all have a sing-along to a song Beth doesn’t know because she has no idea what pop culture is: ONLY CHESS CULTURE. I watched this show with my mom and asked if ‘60s parties were like this and she laughed her head off and said NO. ALSO! Beth’s kleptomania comes into play at this party where she steals a bottle of gin and leaves without saying goodbye to anyone. WHAT A BITCH.

Speaking of bitches, Beth meets a new chess diva in the form of Love Actually’s resident child drum prodigy! He has a character name but whatever: Love Actually is his name and he has longish shaggy (non wigged) hair and dresses like Crocodile Dundee and is loved and feared in the chess community for being such a non-nerd (?) chess player. I asked my mom if anyone dressed like this in the ‘60s and she said “NO! But I guess I didn’t know everyone” WHICH IS A GREAT ANSWER BECAUSE MY MOM DIDN’T RUN IN WEIRD CHESS CIRCLES IN THE ‘60s. We are lead to believe the ‘60s chess community of weirdos consists of the same 5 rotating dudes who are all at the same chess tournaments always and also possible love interests for Beth and she’s better at chess than all of them.

The only weirdo chess dude that Beth cares about is Townes, who you may recall from the last episode in which he was the only attractive chess dude at that first chess tournament Beth went to with borrowed Bill Camp money. Anyway, she runs into him at some chess tournament (LIKE I REMEMBER WHICH ONE PLEASE) in Las Vegas where he is now a chess reporter (ACTUAL 1960s JOB, Y’ALL). He invites Beth back to his hotel boudoir where he takes some non-boudoir pictures of her playing chess and Beth is all aflutter with chess love but SUCK IT BETH, TOWNES IS GAY!!! I have to say that the only believable part of this show is that the only attractive chess dude would be homosexual. It still does not forgive any of the other plot nonsense.

SO! It’s still the big Vegas chess tournament which is super duper important-chess wise (though this show also makes it seem like every chess game IS THE MOST IMPORTANT so who is to say?) Anyway, Beth and her 50s wave wig (even though it is the 60s?) play Love Actually and....they both win? I didn’t know this was a chess pastability but ok? Beth is pissed that she didn’t beat Love Actually, I hope I never have to see him again (SPOILER HE’S IN MANY MORE EPISODES AND HAD I KNOWN THAT MAYBE I WOULD HAVE STOPPED WATCHING NOW BUT I DIDN’T!) 

Episode 4: Middle Game

We are still stuck with this weird ‘50s bob in this episode. IT STILL LOOKS BAD. New developments are: Beth is taking night classes at the local college (even though she is technically still in high school?) in order to learn Russian to better understand people who are more obsessed with chess than she is: Russians. Anyway, he ends up going to the most wild and stereotypical hippie party with a college dude after class and yep - loses her virginity to him. Ok? At least it wasn’t to a chess weirdo? She also stays behind and parties and drinks alone in the hippie apartment because of all her substance addiction and kleptomania. Also! She graduates from high school despite being 2 years too old for high school (a plot point never explained) and missing all that high school for chess tourneys (another plot point never explained!) OH WELL: CHESS! 

Beth and Marielle go to Mexico City for some chess tournament (AGAIN I COULDN’T TELL YOU WHICH ONE). Marielle is excited because she is pen pals (OMG THE 60s Y’ALL) with some Mexican weirdo who I definitely feared would steal all the chess winnings but then ultimately just sucks in the same way the adoptive dad did. Beth also runs into those chess twin weirdos because the chess community is comprised of only 5 dudes as I said. Their hair looks bad but not as bad as her wig. 

Beth doesn’t see much of Mexico City - nor do we unless you count a truly outrageous sequence in which Beth and Marielle go out on their hotel balcony and look into a green screen rendering of Mexico City that would have felt at home in CGI ghostmare, Bohemian Rhapsody. Anyway, Beth and her olde timey 1950s wig which is spending way too much time in the 60s even though she’s supposed to be stylish now, take a lot of chess baths while Marielle drinks a lot because that Mexican pen pal/boyfriend sucks so bad.

So Beth wins enough chess to play Borgov, who we are led to believe is the Russian white whale/Bond villain of the chess community and LOSES! She is pretty pissed about it but not as pissed as...

....coming back to the hotel room to discover Marielle Heller and her luscious Mamie Eisenhower wig DEAD. TWICE AN ORPHAN, Y’ALL. Mexican coroners tell Beth that her mom died of hepatitis (!!!) and Beth somehow implicates low quality tequila in this hepatitis death. I LEGITIMATELY GOOGLED ‘DOES TEQUILA GIVE YOU HEPATITIS’ IMMEDIATELY. I DON’T THINK IT DOES?!?!?! THIS SHOW IS ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS AND YES I WILL CONTINUE WATCHING IT DESPITE THE TERRIBLE WIGS AND MY HATRED OF CHESS.

Episode 5: Fork

Beth returns to Kentucky IN THE RAIN BECAUSE TV AND MOVIE DEATHS ARE ALWAYS ACCOMPANIED BY RAIN. She is about to be super lonely in the house she know owns (according to a super sketchy international phone call with her adoptive father which will definitely not hold up in court) and then...she gets a call from Harry! WHO THE EFF IS HARRY! Again, luckily, there are only 5 chess guys who need to remember and he is one of them (he is the one she beat for the Kentucky chess whatever in episode 2). She invites him over because she’s lonely!

Harry is definitely the saddest of the weirdo chess dudes because apparently he’s been harboring a secret love of Beth (who at the time of their first meeting was like 13-15 depending on what timeline you’re going on and he was...20? OK GROSS BUT OK). BITCH EVEN GOT HIS WEIRD TEETH FIXED SO HE COULD BE LOVED BY BETH AND HER BENT ASS WIG AND SERIOUSLY NO THANK YOU HARRY. Regardless, Beth lets Harry have sex with her a few times and live rent-free in her house and ultimately Harry gets enough self confidence to leave this effed up living situation since he will never be one of Beth’s obsessions (which are still: chess, pills/alcohol, stealing shit). 

So Beth goes to Ohio for some other chess tournament and reunites with UGH Love Actually. At this point in the show, Beth starts wearing long scarves as headbands and her wig has never looked better because most of it is covered by the scarf. THANK GOD. So Love Actually totally chess hustles Beth for a lot of coin playing speed chess (DEAR GOD WHY HAVE I BEEN FORCED TO LEARN WHAT SPEED CHESS IS) but in the end, she still beats him for the chess title. EFF YOU, Love Actually! May I never see you again! OH SHIT HE JUST INVITED HER TO  NEW YORK TO TRAIN HER FOR THE PARIS CHESS THING DEAR GOD WHY IS THERE SO MUCH LOVE ACTUALLY IN THIS SHOW OK FINE I’LL STILL WATCH IT.

Episode 6 - Adjournment

Ok so Beth and her ok wig that is mainly covered by a scarf go to Love Actually’s apartment in NYC which IS AN UNDERGROUND BUNKER AND SHE HAS TO SLEEP ON A BLOW UP MATTRESS. Again and for the millionth time: Love Actually is the worst! Especially the worst because he introduces her to all these rando bohemians he knows, including some French bitch who will definitely eff everything up when Beth is already teetering on her pill/alcohol obsession and should probably not meet any other enablers. Somehow, he does get her to quit the pills/alcohol long enough to have sex with him (UGH).

And so we are in Paris, 1967. Where we started the show with Beth’s awful 60s flip! AND WE MEET ANOTHER PLOTHOLE. Only a week before this, Beth was in NYC with hair about 3″ shorter and still wearing scarves in her hair. WHAT IN THE VERY HELL, SHOW! I realize that this show has a very vague sense of time or how old Beth is or whatever but truly: NOPE. 

Anyway, it’s the night before the big match against Borgov and Beth is on her very best behavior when who should ring her up but that French bitch Love Actually introduced her to! She is downstairs at the hotel bar and just come down and have one drink and don’t ruin your entire chess career, mmmkay? THIS ENABLING BITCH!!!! NEVER TRUST ANYONE WITH THIS CRYING GAME WIG UNLESS YOU WANT YOUR LIFE TO BE A CRYING GAME. Of course, Beth goes downstairs, drinks every drink in the bar, has sex with some rando French dude and...wakes up in the icebath we see at the beginning of the show and sweatily plays Borgov in her wig that has never looked frizzier, loses, and is shamed from the entire chess community. Also Love Actually wants Beth to come back to NYC but NO THANK YOU TO YOU AND YOUR BUNKER OF ENABLERS.

Back in Kentucky, Beth....is shown learning how to flip her hair. WAIT WHAT SHE ALREADY HAD A FLIP HAIRSTYLE THE ENTIRE TIME IN PARIS WHAT KIND OF WIG GASLIGHTING ARE YOU PLAYING, SHOW?!?!?!??!?!?!!

UGH anyway, with THE EXACT SAME FLIP WIG AS WE’VE SEEN HER IN, Beth tries to be a responsible young person of indeterminate age who owns a house in Kentucky and not drink or take pills or steal shit. EXCEPT remember that time her adoptive dad said she could just have the house if she paid the mortgage? WELL BITCH SHOWS UP AND J’ACCUSES HER OF STEALING THE HOUSE FROM HIM. Which is hilarious because of all the things she stolen in this show, the house wasn’t one of them. In any case, she buys the house! And takes herself out to dinner! And has a drink! AND UH OH.

At this point the show just goes completely off the rails in addictive nonsense. Beth just goes around the house in her terrible flip wig applying makeup and barfing in to chess trophies. It’s every stereotypical drug/alcohol scene from every biopic ever except this chick doesn’t really exist and this show is wearing on my nerves and Beth has to stop making so many terrible live decisions and this wig has BETTER GET BETTER.

And then magically - Jolene shows up in the most fabulous afro wig!! WHAT! OK I WILL WATCH THE BITTER CONCLUSION OF THIS SERIES BECAUSE I LOVE JOLENE.

Episode 7: End Game

Jolene...Jolene....Jolene. Jolene. I love Jolene. I don’t love that this show uses her by making her be the “magical negro” trope who helps Beth get her life back together. Predictable nonsense! So yes, Jolene looks around Beth’s ramshackle drug den and tells her to get her life back together. AND THEN BETH DOES. No AA or rehab required! WHAT! I really appreciate that Jolene also compares her to Susan Hayward (star of Valley of the Dolls!) which is the sick burn/comparison I needed. 

The other reason Jolene showed up was to bring Beth to janitor Bill Camp’s funeral. At the funeral, which is very poorly attended, Beth reveals THAT SHE NEVER PAID BILL CAMP THAT $5 HE LENT HER (AND $10 SHE PROMISED HIM) AT THE BEGINNING OF HER CHESS CAREER. WHAT A PIECE OF SHIT. It is at this point that I fully decided that I wanted Beth to fail at everything because she is a garbage person who never gave propers to Bill Camp for changing her life for the better. THIS BITCH!! She even goes back to the orphanage where she discovers Bill Camp’s CHESS SHRINE DEVOTED TO HER! SHE FEELS LIKE SHIT AS WELL SHE SHOULD! I FULLY HATE HER!!!!

Jolene is much more forgiving of Beth than me and also introduces Beth to a new obsession: squash! Ok? It does allow Beth to wear a headband which is great wig-wise (in that it hides all the seamwork). Beth also turns down these Jesusy people who want to fund her chess trip to Russia and so Jolene GIVES HER $3,000 TO GO TO RUSSIA. IF THERE IS ANYTHING I’VE LEARNED IN THE LAST 5 MINUTES OF THIS SHOW IT IS THAT BETH WILL NOT PAY THAT MONEY BACK AND JOLENE PLEASE DO NOT!!!!

Jolene does. Beth goes to Russia which is straight out of every Bond movie and gets her shit together and wins a lot of damn chess. 

Though her midweight coat game rivals that of Nicole Kidman in The Undoing, her wig game ALSO RIVALS THAT OF NICOLE KIDMAN IN THE UNDOING IN THAT IT IS ALSO A RED NIGHTMARE WIG. This show spent so much goddamned money on clothes, sets, and CGI greenscreens of Mexico City AND YET NO MONEY FOR WIGS. BOO.

I did enjoy this one chess opponent’s walrus hair but otherwise, Beth’s flip wig has absolutely overstayed its welcome and is a compete and utter bent nightmare. Also! Remember that one hot chess dude? He shows up and helps Beth with Chess!! HUH?

Also every single weirdo in the chess community somehow form a chess calming circle in Love Actually’s bunker apartment and call Beth internationally to help her win against Borgov at chess! WHAT IN THE DAMN HELL? It is sweet I guess, but also makes ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING SENSE AS BETH WAS A TOTAL ASSHOLE TO ALL THESE PEOPLE AND DOES NOT DESERVE TO BE A PART OF THEIR WEIRD CHESS GANG.

Ultimately, Beth beats Borgov and wears THIS FUCKING HAT. I think we’re supposed to believe that she is now the white queen chess piece (I HATE THAT I NOW KNOW CHESS PIECES).

She is actually dressed in head to toe white and somehow convinces her American handler that she will just walk...to the airport? And despite being invited to the Johnson White House (girl go there!) would rather just wander the streets of Russia without any purse or luggage or way of getting home. THIS BITCH. She finds a new chess community of old men who play chess outside at folding tables and decides to join them WITHOUT GOING HOME TO PAY JOLENE ALL HER MONEY BACK WHICH IS ABSOLUTELY WHAT SHE SHOULD BE THINKING ABOUT AND ALSO MAYBE SETTING UP A BILL CAMP CHESS FOUNDATION BECAUSE YOU NEVER PAID HIM BACK YOU PIECE OF SHIT. No, she is no longer addicted to pills, alcohol, or stealing but is absolutely addicted to chess on a level that is probably lethal. I spent the last moments of the show demanding that the Russian chess hobos murder her and her immaculate white outfit because BETH IS A SELFISH ASSHOLE AND ALL HER WIGS ARE GARBAGE LIKE HER!!!!

VERDICT: DOESN’T WURQ